| What's the difference between a Bernie Sanders supporter and a fat stripper? A fat stripper actually gets to the polls. | |
| Vodka, whisky, tequila. I'm calling the shots. | |
| French people don't masturbate They Jacque off | |
| A lot of Suicide bombers are Muslims - I don't blame them... I too would kill myself if I was a Muslim. | |
| What happens when you fingerbang a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red. | |
| Who's the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died. | |
| Caught a tall black man looking through my window today. I knew he was tall because I live on the 2nd floor. | |
| A6: It CAN be, but it doesn't have to be. It depends on the circumstances and your partner's attitude to fixing debt. love and money | |
| Parenting Takes Mom and Dad.. So why do we humans insist on bucking nature? Successful parenting takes two -- mom and dad. parenting family | |
| Ok folks-I'm gonna try this live tweeting thing again with tonight's west coast feed-60min countdown Action Ackles Supernatura I | |
| Literally thought that was the best commercial music cue of all time and then realized that it was still our show...what? Love Surprises | |
| The NFL is gonna be sloppy for a few weeks. No preseason and a weird camp. Get used to it now and please stop clogging up my TL with your "blah blah this is ugly blah" tweets. Fantasy Football scores are gonna be out of wack! | |
| "Once in a lifetime you were mine." | |
| For those of you out there who get a shit ton of email every day, much of it not worthy of your attention, but feel compelled to keep a "tidy" inbox: I cannot recommend Priority Inbox to you highly enough | |
| Adam came before eve.... but then men normally do. | |
| Yeah...sounds good. Let's go into the woods at night. What could go wrong? | |
| How did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? "I just need some space." | |
| Big boobs are God's way of saying sorry to ugly girls. | |
| "Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son. "Yes." | |
| Here we go East Coast. The season finale of KUWTK starts now on E! | |
| With all due respect Darla you're smarter than that'. Things can never be the same that's for sure.Queen Sugar | |
| What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer? The taste. | |
| Peggy's hatred of the wind has only gotten more intense; if your dog also hates the wind, has a thundershirt helped? Which one do you have? | |
| You can also look up how do an Apple Cider Vinegar rinse with just Apple Cider Vinegar but this stuff is the good stuff | |
| I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. | |
| [first day as a tsa agent] me: arms up guy: [t-pose] me: [hugs him] you have a great flight | |
| I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend. You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts. | |
| "Or else we'll play, play, play all the same old games and we wait, wait, wait for the end to change.' - Same Mistakes. | |
| Hello it's me I was wondering if after all these years would like to me to go over everything. - Adele | |
| What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? CLAUStrophobia! | |
| Good morning, what are you reading on the internet? | |
| Did you hear about the band who were due to play a concert against teenage pregnancies? They pulled out at the last second. | |
| Last night I was visited by a ghost who claimed he had "unfinished business." Turns out he just needed something notarized. | |
| Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking: 'It's psychic, you idiot.' | |
| Guy: "Did the bus come yet?" Me: "If the bus came would I be standing here?" | |
| What do you call an Asian prize fighter who's dad has a serious case of diarrhea? A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy | |
| Anyone else having trouble getting rid of blackheads? I would put them in the bin but the bin men would just get suspicious. | |
| Darth Vader - The only black man to take responsibility for his child. | |
| Cremating my mother inlaw today was very distressing. We weren't close or anything its just the fact there wont be a grave to dance on | |
| I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps. | |
| Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes. | |
| A snail is just a slug with a turban on. | |
| "Where's your mom from?" "Alaska." "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself." | |
| i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash | |
| If an object falls at 500ft/s how far must Mohammed run to escape the blast? | |
| Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they come with their own scales. | |
| "And I'd hope that you'd remember me" - Ed Sheeran. | |
| I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now. | |
| In order to fight and reduce wrinkles, eat raisins, prunes, raspberries & spinach. they are rich anti aging supplements wrinkles anti aging | |
| You say your all dark and twisty, it's not a flaw it's a strength. | |
| You don't understand, what you do to me when you hold his hand.' - Happily. | |
| The final four will be: Alabama Clemson Oklahoma SEC team Unless the Bigten joins the game. Then pencil in osu. The good news is we dont have to hear about Oregon or Utah for 8 weeks only to stay up late in November to watch them lose in to 3-7 Oregon State and Arizona. | |
| Police station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on. | |
| [teacher] 24 + x + 30 = 90. Find x. [student] It's between 24 and 30. | |
| I’m talking about ATMOSPHERIC FEEL, those fucking grain silos!!! That light!! | |
| I wish the GPS lady would periodically say things like "Doin' great" or "Still going the right way, good job." | |
| "I had a stroke" Is what I intend to use as my excuse to my girlfriend, when she asks why I've been arrested at the strip club. | |
| My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection | |
| What do you call a person who hates fat people? Weighcist | |
| Textured drywall I think it is? | |
| I tripped in France. Eiffel over. | |
| Very difficult for anyone in West to listen to this talk of "crystal clean air" right now | |
| What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jose | |
| This woman said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. | |
| what dating advice would you give your younger self? Auntie Red Tweet Tea | |
| When you cry, I cry and when you hurt, I hurt.' - The Notebook | |
| In addition to reducing PMS symptoms, magnesium helps reduce water retention & helps regulate serotonin, a mood balancer found in the brain | |
| Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. | |
| On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday. | |
| Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent. | |
| Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees and Toes. | |
| My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta. | |
| What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers | |
| If you believe everything you read, better not to read | |
| When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need" - Coldplay | |
| Just told my joke about Peter Pan again. Never gets old. | |
| Want to know why he disappeared? These are the most common reasons men disappear from your life. | |
| "Hiya" is probably the worst greeting you can possibly say to a karate instructor. | |
| 2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing. Haven't heard from him since. | |
| We assume the really serious changes in our lives happen slowly, over time... but it's not true. The big stuff happens in an instant. | |
| Emotional but great ending to our season premiere. We're back THIS Wednesday...same time, same network! American Idol | |
| They call guitars axes because you don't want to be around when an amateur gets ahold of one near a campfire. | |
| I don't understand how Elvis got so fat He ate nothing but a hound dog | |
| "Up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness" - Paramore | |
| Monday is a hard day only for those who perceive it negatively.' Monday Motivation | |
| Today’s smoke update: the house smells horrible because we haven’t been able to open the windows, the dogs are cranky, everyone slept like shit | |
| I like my women like I like my milk... White, with 2% fat. | |
| Do couples Share Everything? Do you? If you want to talk Guy Stuff, we are here. | |
| You know you spend way too much time on Twitter when your wife asks what you're doing online and "porn" is a better answer. | |
| When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of! | |
| What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt. | |
| Some people are so ignorant and narrow minded. Not all Muslims are terrorists you know. Some are taxi drivers. | |
| Women have affairs because they are in search of emotional fulfillment, an improvement of their self image, and romance.... | |
| What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink | |
| You can waste your life drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines, that are too dangerous to cross.' | |
| Just bought my daughter Minion themed Crocs | |
| "I miss you so much, it hurts." - Dear John | |
| Yep...my queen is now UPPER MANAGEMENT. I couldn't be more proud of her!!!! /end | |
| A Latino shot an unarmed black man today, and everyone is in an uproar Especially the police, saying "They took our jobs!" | |
| 'Eat a handful of walnuts before bed. u'll get fiber & essential fatty acids along with the amino acid tryptophan - a natural sleep-inducer' | |
| What did the fat cat go to prison for? Purrrjury | |
| A group of leprechauns was recently busted for selling fake granite Yeah, they were sham rocks. | |
| Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up! | |
| This is how Venmo suggests you approach the problem first. I sent the message a few days ago and Random Emily has not replied. I just sent a "reminder" and I want to die | |
| Just got back from a very emotional wedding, even the cake was in tiers. | |
| How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling. | |
| I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her! | |
| California Fun Fact: 50% of our land is under yoga mats. | |
| If life's so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self-destruct button? | |
| At least when blacks started moving to this country we didn't have to worry about losing out jobs. Just our wallets. | |
| What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day? Counterfitz | |
| On getting the best album reviews she's ever received with Lover, she says: "It gets me emotional even talking about it. I can't explain to you how good that feels because it's the first thing that no one can take from me. No one can sell it. It's mine.' Taylor Swift On Seacrest | |
| Arriba mis DODGERS! | |
| These walls are funny.First you hate 'em,then you get used to 'em.Enough time passes,you get so you depend on them.That's institutionalized. | |
| Justin Smoak just went yard BARELY over Broxton's hand in CF! Brewers | |
| The juice of fresh raw cabbage has been proven to heal stomach ulcer ulcer | |
| For no reason whatsoever, I’ve been thinking about how long we have until Young Boomer and Elder Gen-X names become cool baby names again; GIVE ME BABY BARBARA AND BABY LINDA!! | |
| "Hi, I'm not a scammer, random Emily, but can you please send me back the chunk of money I sent you last week?" | |
| About to try DigDuo for the first time. Very afraid of what Tonni has in store for me! dig the results | |
| The 1-2 punch of the Thong Episode plus the Spice Girls Episode last night was really something. When Maya takes a bite of the apple bong and throws it on the ground!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
| I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic? The surgeon said: Go ahead, knock yourself out. | |
| People will wonder "why is the NBA Boycott over"? What changed? Did they accomplish anything? A TON just happened. Gonna podcast about it later. | |
| boss: can i see you in my office me: [sheathing sword] why | |
| You don't say "...fag capitols of the world" by accident . It wasn't a slip of the tongue. That's in your vernacular. That's who you are. You use that, feel that and believe that in your heart. This was not an accident by Thom Brennaman. | |
| "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."...is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby. | |
| In DC looking for a few great organic restaurants to try. Open to suggestions... and go! | |
| Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger? Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close. | |
| I broke my finger last week... On the other hand I'm OK. | |
| What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and.... ....I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore. | |
| If you pay close attention... there is always something amazing happening. | |
| Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was running! | |
| I have a Pakistani girl friend. Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn't sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops. | |
| You momma so stupid.. She got fired from the m&m factory for throwing away all the W's | |
| Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He's so boring! Don't worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted *pulls out seven layer dip* | |
| in ancient Rome, celery was considered an aphrodisiac. it contains androsterone a pheromone in men's sweat glands that attracts women | |
| "Only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go." - Passenger. | |
| Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA | |
| What a DISASTER of a 1st q for the Bucks. | |
| IT'S GAME DAY. Whose team are you on? Super Bowl | |
| 911: ok just stay where you are me: [stuck in the baby swing] ok | |
| "This sounds bad but I don't mean it in a bad way!!!" | |
| I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing. | |
| I was given a leaflet the other day on anger management. I lost it. | |
| Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. | |
| How does a mother in West Virginia know when her daughter is on her period? Her son's dick tastes like blood. | |
| "Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, 'What else could this mean?'" Shannon L. Adler. love u | |
| Here we go! The final countdown begins NOW American Idol | |
| hey i'm on NPR this morning! | |
| red meat starting now on west coast...hear we go! | |
| I was struck by the work these organizations are doing and while everyone's priority right now is to stay safer at home, I know there are many of us looking for ways to help. | |
| What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. | |
| "It's a boy!" I shouted with tears. "I don't believe it. A boy!" It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again. | |
| Freudly, my dear, I don't give a dad. | |
| Do you think Spain knew what they were doing when they let us have Florida? | |
| As I was checking into the hotel I asked, 'Is the porn channel disabled?' The girl at the desk said, 'No, you sick bastard'. | |
| I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. | |
| "And if you, you want me too.Let's make a move." - Kiss You. | |
| So the Substack Top 25 Paid is v. white and v. male — the Top 25 Unpaid is also pretty white, but includes significantly more women. I have some theories about this! | |
| So I was shopping online for antique guns..... and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition. | |
| You're everything I see in my dreams.' - Bruno Mars. | |
| You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors... but in the end, the decision is always yours, and yours alone. | |
| Im the nice guy that finished first.. | |
| I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers. | |
| What do wizards call unmagical African Americans? Niggles | |
| One minute my girlfriend is asking me to stop cross dressing, and when I argue about it she tells me to put myself in her shoes. | |
| I'd hate to be a midget chef. The steaks are too high. | |
| My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom. This morning we synthesised a new protein chain. | |
| Schitt’s streak!!! Was that cool to post | |
| Don't be racist. It doesn't matter if you're black, asian or normal! | |
| Everyone always says no one likes Africans. Well I've just been to Africa and I can assure you those fucking flies are quite fond of them. | |
| A mobster killed an Irishman with a porcelain doll He was accused of knick-knack paddy whack | |
| My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them. | |
| I have a Twitter list, Mountain West, where I put anyone I've ever interacted with who lives in the Mountain West, broadly conceived. This helps me see a lot of very local stuff but also shows me a ton of stuff that Big City Journalists aren't necessarily tweeting | |
| "Does this uniform make me look fat?" - Insecurity Guard | |
| When u seek what needs to be done, the comm can tell u what they don't want. We need to ensure the comm informs the process. ~Dr. I Smith | |
| You never think the last time's going to be the last time, you think it will be more. You think you have forever, but you don't. | |
| I believe that America's Food Fund will be a powerful way to make a difference for our neighbors in need and am committing $1 million to this fund to support those facing food insecurity. | |
| Have you already received your ballot? Return that bitch NOW. Read all the instructions on how to do so five times and get it on its way to counted NOW. | |
| My sister told me she's dating an Irish guy I said, "Oh really?" She replied, "No, O'Reilly." | |
| "I love being Jewish, but is it work or life to read a book on Jewish themes? Is it work or life to celebrate a holiday at your house that includes some attendees who are also members of your synagogue because you've sort of become friends?" | |
| Kobe Bryant you were the greatest. You made our city and the rest of the world so proud. Every basketball fan knew the magnificence of the Mamba. Love and healing to Vanessa and those little girls. God, this is just the worst ever. | |
| "I need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever." - Juno | |
| What....a depressing goal line posession.... packers ¤¦ââï | |
| Oh so this bath is only for birds? Pass me my pants, I have a pocket copy of the constitution in there I'd like you to read. | |
| The woman who ran the refugee organization I profiled told me that it was incredibly difficult to explain that refugees may be refugees but they want clean, unbroken things too | |
| A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!" | |
| Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference. | |
| "People are people, and sometimes we change our minds." - Taylor Swift. | |
| The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done... or that's been done to us. | |
| Decluttered my closet this weekend- not a single pair of my pants "sparked joy" and now I'm being charged with indecent exposure. | |
| I'm officially in midseason form: I hate Tuesday's and Wednesday's without football. Didn't take me long AT ALL. ⤠| |
| The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?'' | |
| I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just sitting around doing nothing. | |
| "We as clergy are being expected to pursue a graduate-level degree that takes a minimum of three years to complete for a job that is increasingly paid on a part-time basis. But to quote a colleague of mine: there's no such thing as part-time ministry, only part-time wages." | |
| On facebook you can see how much your friends change. Like this one guy I've known since grade 1 doesn't talk about dinosaurs at all anymore | |
| Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can't think how I can ever repay you. | |
| If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness? | |
| THAT WAS EXHAUSTING | |
| adam: [naming the birds] tits god: lol ok but let's take this a little more seriously adam: blue-footed boobies god: you can't name all the birds after boobs adam: [pointing to rooster] cock | |
| I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. | |
| Someone visiting Ireland sent me this photo of an ancient bog person. It looks just like me when I forget to moisturize. | |
| "The ones that love us, never really leave us." - Harry Potter" | |
| "This is the problem with getting attached to someone. When they leave you, you just feel lost." - Zombieland | |
| Hope that gold ticket comes with extra leg room on the flight to Hollywood! Congrats Tyler Mitchell! American Idol | |
| 3 big lies. 1. I love you. 2. I'm fine. 3. That was my last piece of gum. | |
| After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support. | |
| Academics, how many hours are you actually working a week right now? High school / Middle School / Elementary School Teachers, how many hours are you actually working a week right now? | |
| What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy. | |
| How many Jews does it take to change Hitler's mind? None, there has to be no Jews. | |
| Genie: You have 3 wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Ok. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a... | |
| A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes. | |
| How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care.... | |
| "Oh, I still dream of a simple life. Boy meets girl, makes her his wife." - Bruno Mars. | |
| Facebook statuses are much like people with Down Syndrome. They were fun to look at for a while but ultimately no use to anyone. | |
| How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower? You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work. | |
| "But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other." - The Notebook | |
| The only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew. The one that's almost always right. | |
| a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do | |
| Happy Valentines Day if you're celebrating, and Happy Friday if you couldn't care less. Today's a win-win. | |
| Picking up where Sunday left off - Idol is on in 5 minutes! Tweet with me and judges using American Idol! | |
| Idgaf what you say, pickles are delicious! | |
| Christians read the Bible, Jews read the Torah, Muslims the Quran. Niggers? The Jungle Book. | |
| "Lil' Levi's" gas station. A little shout out to my nephew. Love ya buddy. | |
| Just walked into an Arby's and asked, 'What's fresh today?' The cashier pointed to her cold sore. | |
| Tired of poems telling me how hard to go into that good night. | |
| Rest in peace Karl Lagerfeld. A true fashion maestro and visionary who inspired many. The impact he made and the legacy he left will live on. | |
| TODAY IS THE DAY! Please join us at 6 p.m. for the kick-off of a year-long civic engagement series feat. Dr. Mindy Fullilove! | |
| What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette. | |
| I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women. | |
| How can the older generation support young people that are now on the front lines? Auntie Red Tweet Tea | |
| What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event? Cross country | |
| Dallas Black people: please be Muslim please be Muslim please be Muslim. Muslim people: please be black please be black please be black | |
| Why do Jews have big noses? Free air. | |
| How many immature people does it take to change a light bulb? Your mom. | |
| "How do I look?" [friend] Fine. [good friend] Really pretty. [best friend] Horrible. | |
| Working as an elevator operator has its ups and downs. | |
| Former Evangelicals, if you participated in a mission trip in the 2000s to "combat child trafficking," what did that look like? | |
| People say I'm 'old' and 'out of touch' but guess who just got his first iPod shuffle? | |
| Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber | |
| Ike just texted “Zendaya is Meechee!!” In a celebratory way and I approved | |
| What do you call Dracula's retarded cousin? Countdown | |
| boss: we need ideas for this sesame street show writer: a blue monster that eats cookies writer: a trash-dwelling grouch named oscar new guy: a big fucking bird | |
| Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me. | |
| If you can't fix the brakes on your car, make your horn louder. | |
| Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it. | |
| [first day in hell] satan: rule number one is no jokes me: and what is the policy on updog satan: you're going to burn forever guy in the back: wait what's updog everyone: pffff satan: holy shit no way | |
| My wife and will always enjoy our time in Kansas City. I havent missed the town as much as during Chiefs parade day. I watched every second. If it wasn't the Packers, i was so happy for the Chiefs Kingdom. I hope y'all Run It Back!! ...and lose to Green Bay this year | |
| I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years party... When you hear an arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in. | |
| Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don't confuse it with the other giant siren cubes. | |
| I love you, not just for now, but for always, and I dream of the day that you'll take me in your arms again.' - Dear John | |
| free *hug* to anyone who reads this | |
| [friend] Hey dude. Washing your car? [me] Nope. I'm watering it to see if it grows. | |
| What do you get if a post office burns down? Black mail. | |
| They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it's not quite an emergency but you still need to vent. "Hello, Operator? Yeah, there's a bird on my car... No, I'm in the house, but I can see him through the window." | |
| NYT says elevator 'door close' buttons don't work and are there to give a false sense of control. In a related story, my life has been a lie. | |
| 3 years ago I married my best friend... My girlfriend was angry but Dave and me thought it was hilarious. | |
| The great catharsis of completing a task that has been on your to-do list for WEEKS! Do not underestimate it! I am ready to renovate a house and call my student loan servicer and submit by contact rebates!!!!!! | |
| More precisely: I have allowed my mind to wander to that space a few times every week and have felt immediate nausea. | |
| one green onion stalk contains 3 calories & no fat or protein. It contains 10% of the RDA of vitamin A and 9% of vitamin C | |
| A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender. | |
| My wife is like a plunger She's good at bringing up old shit. | |
| Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn't know what group to join. She's still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former | |
| I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me. | |
| I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. | |
| What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. | |
| Your body replaces about 1 billion cells every hour, antioxidants are a must if you want our body to stay healthy and young | |
| So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback. | |
| Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa. | |
| "Son In Iraq I killed 15 people." Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one | |
| A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where there was a brother frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied, "No, I'm the chip monk". | |
| I don't fear the enemy who may attack me, I fear the fake friend who will still hug me | |
| What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons? Jose and Hoseb | |
| What are some healthy ways to address anger, fear and other emotions that arise during difficult times?Auntie Red Tweet Tea | |
| My girlfriend keeps telling all her friends I'm racist.. typical lying Mexican. | |
| I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap. | |
| I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong. He'll come round - eventually. | |
| What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider | |
| If I had a dollar every time someone called me a racist, a lot of black people would try to rob me | |
| Dizzy after drinking coffee? You may have been just dehydrated because coffee is diuretic coffee | |
| Okay it is Fall Fucking Soup Time, what is your favorite recipe so everyone can cocoon themselves in soup recipes for the next five months? | |
| Just watched Casino tonight and I loved it! Is that interesting | |
| You bring you into every new beginning in your life, so how different can it possibly be? | |
| Ever noticed that all ghosts are White? Yeah, it looks like a good afterlife, doesn't it. | |
| Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test and you learn the lessons. | |
| What did Oprah say when she visited Harlem? "YOU get a father, and YOU get a father, and YOU get a father! Everybody gets a father!!! | |
| shit. the number the girl at the Sprint store gave me is MY number | |
| Don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aids. | |
| "I ain't gonna cry no, and I won't beg you to stay. If you're determined to leave boy, I will not stand in your way." - Mariah Carey. | |
| A Mexican , a black guy , an arab and A Jew Jump out of a plane....who wins? Society | |
| Happy Fathers Day to all the amazing dads out there! We raise our best dad mugs to all the great things you do...including the dad jokes. | |
| 2 things you can learn in school: Texting without looking and teamwork on tests. | |
| When a girl is acting like she doesn't care about you anymore, that's when she needs you the most. | |
| I have never spoken to my Dad as much as I did last night. For the first time I felt I had a father. | |
| I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I thought it would be confusing if we were both called Kevin. | |
| Round 2 of Hollywood Week starts RIGHT NOW! Tonight we narrow it down to your Top 40 American Idol | |
| What's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. | |
| 'allow tea to steep for three to five minutes to bring out its catechins' | |
| Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time. | |
| Any fellow witches have a suggestion for what to do with the rest of the newt? Loving doing potions but I don't want to be wasteful. | |
| What can a person do for you NOT to give them a second chance with you? | |
| We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrows rug, until we can't anymore. | |
| Only 32% of Americans are investing in their 401ks!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
| A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus. | |
| This Chadwick Boseman special on ABC is phenomenal. Wakanda Forever | |
| A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear." Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache. Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck! | |
| Me and my limbo team go way back. | |
| I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep. | |
| Epileptic Santa! "He seizures when you're sleeping." | |
| I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can't afford her, but you probably could. | |
| Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you... But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too. | |
| Happy Earth Day! Be kind to our planet and keep it green. Remember, we only have one. | |
| Notre Dame people: Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't students/faculty/staff strongly discouraged from even traveling out of South Bend right now? | |
| Here we go, the legendary Hollywood Week! Or as we like to call it, American Idol bootcamp. | |
| Happy World Pride to everyone in NYC! It may be the last day of Pride Month, but remember to celebrate love, individuality, and inclusivity every day. | |
| One of the best decisions I've ever made. YOU CAN QUIT. And props to my dad who quit after 50+ years of smoking. | |
| Hey VSFX guys...thanks for the drive-in movie theater. Well done! I love it. You guys rock! Supernatura I | |
| One egg contains 6 grams of high-quality protein & all 9 essential amino acids health protein | |
| [me] Some people are like the summer. [friend] You mean hot? [me] I mean no class. | |
| If you are able to read this, you're blessed | |
| Everywhere I look in my house I'm reminded of my dead wife. I really need to get round to cleaning the blood off the walls. | |
| It's a very easy switch on Gmail! If you hate it, go back! | |
| Liquor probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot. | |
| A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what...... IT WOODEN GO! | |
| To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing. | |
| "Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Bob, you've been a doctor for 8 yrs now, stop starting every call we have with that." | |
| I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves. | |
| I just love this moment when the aha-aha shows up. Fix My Life | |
| Girlfriend left a note on the fridge. "It's not working. Can't take it anymore." Opened the fridge and the light came on. What the hell did she mean? | |
| Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son? Son: I smoked weed, dad Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot | |
| A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I said: 'That's the last thing I need.' | |
| Chilli didn't originate in Chile. There's surprisingly little ice on Iceland and Greenland is far from green. I'm emigrating to Niger. | |
| Ask someone 'How have you been?' and just listen. | |
| What smells worse than an anchovy? An anchovy's cunt | |
| The stuff that's really for you goes into its own little pile at the top. All of the rest of the stuff just kinda flows past you in a stream of mass emails publicist pitches below. Your Inbox = how many emails are in that Priority Box | |
| Can't the starving African children just eat the fucking flies? That'll curb their hunger for the rest of their lives. | |
| Some helium floats into a bar and tries to order a drink. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases in here." The helium doesn't react. | |
| What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawnmower Unemployed | |
| I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'...Because that's where I go to cry. | |
| Can I ask you something? You're already asking. | |
| What did the lifeguard say to the drowning hippie? You're too far out man! | |
| I know they say the first love is the sweetest, but that first cut is the deepest.' Drake | |
| "I am troubled about instructing people who have already been socially policed to death—to literal, functional death—to change the way they walk, talk, dress, or take up space in order to seem less threatening to those who are uncomfortable with seeing our brown skin" | |
| Positive things happen when you distance yourself from negative people | |
| Sorry about your street cred, black guys named Milton. | |
| Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin | |
| Renee’s Revenge y’all hahahahaha | |
| [after tripping, falling, and straight up sobbing for 9 minutes] so can I start you guys off with some drinks | |
| I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. | |
| "One man's trash is another man's treasure"...is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted | |
| It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Unless my wife just gave birth to you. | |
| "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge | |
| How to be an asian... Just squint your eyes and say "We all how smaw deek" out loud. | |
| Taught my friend that beard guys have a secret beard handshake. It's just touching beards and yes the lips kiss too but it's about the beard | |
| I love the 70 year old dude from Big Sky who's like, when you asked last time, I said Green Party just to fuck with you! | |
| "You're the bomb, no you're the bomb" A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East. | |
| Best life lessons in 4 words or less. Go. | |
| I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead. That spoke volumes. | |
| People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired? | |
| When it's over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement.' Mary Oliver I've been soothed, comforted, informed, enhanced by your words. Your life has been a Blessing to the world. mary oliver | |
| Two Popes is dope | |
| Common sense is like AIDS. Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them. | |
| What do you call two just married spiders? Newly webs. | |
| Who is by far the smartest man in the army? General Knowledge. | |
| I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho. | |
| Why is Peter Pan always in flight? He Neverlands. | |
| "Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one. Make no mistake, the day will come. When you can't cover up what you've done.' - All Time Low. | |
| I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though. | |
| What are you reading on the internet today? | |
| Can't lie: It feels like we just crossed over into a stage that will be even darker than before | |
| I was going to tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it. | |
| Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice... Except Chris Brown | |
| I'm as wary as most people on here about the premise of "white fragility" but that's the way that the press and the police handle white people aggression: gingerly, always giving the benefit of the doubt. "They're not bothering anyone" etc etc | |
| Rest in peace to Morning Mayor, Harry Harrison. He was the soul of NYC radio for so many years, it was an honor to watch him get inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame last November. | |
| "I promise I will never let anything happen to you." - Finding Nemo | |
| What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common? No ballroom. | |
| Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee. | |
| What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. | |
| Watched the first episode of The Home Edit and it was not NEARLY cathartic enough to match the needs of this moment | |
| If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you want to spend it? | |
| I never question myself. Why should I start now? | |
| In part because we thought it was really important to keep the god damn BARS open | |
| What do you call a Communist Mexican? A Gaucho Marxist | |
| Why do Arabs wear thawbs? Goats can hear a zipper from a mile away. | |
| If she doesn't open your doors, she ain't it bro | |
| You are who I want,know that' don'ty'all love clarity. Queen Sugar | |
| What moisturiser do Spanish bullfighters use? Olay. | |
| "if two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back." - Chuck Bass | |
| How long does it take an Ethiopian Women to take a shit? 9 Months. | |
| Just wrote the best blog post I've written in ages. Will share it with you in September. I just needed to tell someone. | |
| "Kick Kick" don't you mean "knock knock?" No, I haven't got any arms. | |
| Bachelorette party planners: make sure to buy chocolate penises with at least 65% cocoa if you want the antioxidant benefits. | |
| "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic. | |
| I can't set my hopes too high, 'cause every hello ends with a goodbye." - Demi Lovato | |
| "Daddy, can Akhmed come to my birthday party?" I guess so. He can help blow the balloons up. | |
| I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore. | |
| Happy Saturday chulas y chulos! | |
| What do 9/10 people enjoy? Gang-rape | |
| boss: if you have any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask me: what if dumbledore wore jeans | |
| I slipped on some black ice yesterday... I thought it was regular ice until I realized my wallet was gone. | |
| "I can't eat anymore. I'm full" "Do you want a cookie?" "YESSSSSSSS!" | |
| You know those people who say "College football is better when notre dame is good"?? I'm not one of those people. As a great coach once said, "To hell with Notre Dame". | |
| I like how politicians always address us like we are positive, civic-minded, motivated people. I think we're all a bunch of fat jerks. | |
| Why do black guys always get red eyes during sex? Pepper spray. | |
| Why do black people have white palms? Everyone has a little good in them. | |
| I think a lot of us are putting our heads in the sand re: just how many crises are going to come to a head at the same time. Eldercare, childcare, student debt, consumer debt, affordable housing, fucking climate change — you can ignore them until you simply cannot | |
| "Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman." - This Means War | |
| Masturbation always leads to sex. It's a gateway tug | |
| Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents. | |
| I have no story, I'm just a girl in a bar. | |
| A good friend knows your best stories. The best friend has lived them with you. | |
| After a great day in the sun, sea & sand with my wife, it ended in the best way possible. She drowned. | |
| Who came up with the word eerie, the fucking... e... store? | |
| What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent? Rice Paddy. | |
| What do you call an Asian receptionist? Tai Ping. | |
| I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches... He said only thyme would tell. | |
| The best way to respond when a girl asks you if she's fat is to fake a seizure. | |
| My girlfriend left because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don't worry... I'll return. | |
| You have to hold on to what you want. You have to not take no for an answer and take what's coming to you. | |
| What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt! | |
| Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS. | |
| What do black people drive? house prices down | |
| Happy "turn your head and cough" Day! But seriously...get your yearly physical. | |
| "We have to find ways to sustain the potential we have. We have great ideas that are killed with lack of attention" | |
| I'll take 5 innings and 2 runs from Lindblom pretty much every night. Brewers This Is My Crew | |
| Gold inside and out. You're the man, Curt. American Idol | |
| Perfecting your own life should keep you so busy that you don't have time to criticize others about theirs | |
| Have you seen how bright the sun is during that Japanese heatwave? The whole population are squinting. | |
| "He'll only break you. Leave you torn apart.' - Save You Tonight. | |
| Keep the change you wish to see in the world. | |
| Update! I submitted a claim to Venmo; they fixed the issue within 24 hours! Heroes! | |
| What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. | |
| My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart. | |
| Yo momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease. | |
| Police were called to a daycare centre today. A two-year-old boy was resisting a rest. | |
| Me : What's the wifi password? Bartender : You need to buy a drink first Me : Ok, I'll have a coke Bartender : Is Pepsi ok? Me : Sure, How much is that? Bartender : $3 Me : Ok. So what's the wifi password? Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase | |
| "Are we having fireworks tonight, dad?" "Seeing as your mother's burnt my dinner. Yes son, we are." | |
| How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. | |
| [first day as a doctor] me: look i know we didn't get along in high school but let's put that behind us here bully: ok i just need my diagnosis me: looks like you tested positive for bitch | |
| After sex there's nothing quite like a cigarette. The wife doesn't know I smoke but then again she doesn't know I fuck other women either. | |
| I've just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after he was hit in the head by a tennis ball. It really was a wonderful service. | |
| What topics would you like to see more of? Midlife Crisis? Porn Addiction? Anger Management? Divorce? Affairs? We'd like to know. | |
| Its hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us, guides us. Our history resurfaces, time after time after time. -Mer | |
| Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder. | |
| I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer. Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black. | |
| Relationships r not the place to play games. If u do, u're not going to get the security and love from it that u should. relationship advice | |
| Went to the shop the other day to buy 6 cans of Sprite. Only when I got home did I realise I'd picked 7up. | |
| Remember that time the NBA's "best defensive team" gave up 62 1st half points to the 8th seed? Relax Bucks Fear The Deer | |
| [first day as a surgeon] chief: any questions on for first day? me: [raises hand] what do i do with this severed hand | |
| What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool. | |
| Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus" | |
| What is a Mexican's favorite bookstore? Borders | |
| I will give you all my heart so we can start it all over again' - Over Again. | |
| Be nice. You never know what someone else is going through. | |
| If a Catholic church is travelling at the speed of light, does it still have mass? | |
| What if Lady Gaga was half Irish, half Japanese? Rady O'Gaga | |
| Just realized I've been binge-watching my children's lives since they were born. | |
| George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu. | |
| From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away. | |
| "I live in a world full of people pretending to be something they're not." - A Cinderella Story | |
| [first day as a hibachi chef] me: just try to catch it in your mouth customer: i don't want to do it me: [holding an entire turkey] ok here we go | |
| Are the Bucks gonna be the new version of the 2000's suns with Nash, Amare, Marion who look great in the regular season but when the playoffs start, they can't adapt? Those teams were FUN to watch but got punched in the mouth and d'antoni got out-coached in... 1/ | |
| Girl what a mess I made upon your innocence and no woman in the world deserves this but here I am asking you for 1 more chance' -Gotta Be You | |
| apple: our new watches are waterproof up to 30 meters deep me: what about arby's sauce apple: [visibly afraid] why would you have 30 meters of arby's sauce me: answer the god damn question | |
| [first day as a doctor] patient: please just give it to me straight doc me: [terrified of confrontation] so you're going to un-live | |
| I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues. | |
| This is the best half of basketball Khris Middleton has played since March. Fear The Deer bucks. | |
| A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame. | |
| [first day as a beautician] customer: you ruined my eyebrows me: are you mad i can't tell | |
| me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh* | |
| In medical school we have a hundred classes that teach us how to fight off death but not one that tells us how to go on living. | |
| What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta! | |
| Its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith..... | |
| If this turns into 'either/or', you pick the person you love, end of story. All of this means nothing if you're alone.' | |
| When people show you are believe them. If they actually Tell you... Ready To Love | |
| Several people have responded to this article by telling me about the most recent TEAMS update.....which makes it so that your Active Dot goes to Orange/Inactive/Away if you aren't actively moving your mouse???? Truly nightmare shit | |
| One date provides 5% RDA of potassium. One avocado provides 28% RDA of potassium. Potassium promotes the supply of oxygen to the brain | |
| Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would've pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now. | |
| I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week... ...and it said 2-4 years on the box. | |
| Apparently, black men are hung like horses. Since when did anyone hang horses from trees? | |
| [friend] Did the bus come yet? [me] If the bus came would I be standing here? | |
| How do German women know when they're pregnant? They're never late... | |
| Who is your hero? | |
| This is the second most popular paid newsletter on Substack! Clearly it's resonating! | |
| I keep looking at the smoke map that's promising "moderate air" tomorrow where I am and waiting for it to betray me | |
| I realize there is an easier way but trusting the cloud without a safety net of an SSD makes me nervous. First World Problems End/ | |
| ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVXYZ: Well well well if it isn't Mr. Syllables. W: Fuck off, guys. | |
| What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?... At least when your eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you! | |
| I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual. | |
| What's the name for that slight texturing on the wall of your house that's very '90s? And is there a way to get rid of it without spending a million billion dollars? | |
| Zebras are just horses that have escaped from prison. | |
| Dear teacher: If the bell doesn't dismiss me, then the bell doesn't decide when I should be in class. | |
| guy: "You look nice today!" girl: "Didn't I look nice yesterday?" | |
| They used up all the fancy Latin words naming parts of the brain and by the time they got down to the legs they had to go with stuff like 'hamstring' | |
| The only time I don't feel like a ghost is when you look at me, because when you look at me, you see me." | |
| What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once. | |
| Society is like toast. Scrape off the black bits and you're good to go. | |
| Is it normal for a faculty advisor to fire the EIC, not name a new one, and then wield an expansive yet undefined power over the paper? I have no experience with student journalism, maybe it is! | |
| Burkas are fantastic. If you change wives, you can still keep the same photo in your wallet. | |
| I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up to your face against the morning sun. | |
| What did the black woman name her 5 sons? Tyrone. How did she tell them apart? She just called them by thier last names. | |
| How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. | |
| What do men and public toilets have in common? All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit. | |
| Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice. Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget | |
| I just subscribed to a bunch of newsletters from people whose writing I always want more of! This is great! | |
| A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?" | |
| What does Subway and a Hollywood Tranny have in common? Both offer $5 dollar Foot Longs | |
| Luke Perry was a great actor and truly one of a kind. Watching him on 90210 was one of the reasons why I wanted to move to LA. Thinking of his family and friends on and off the set. Rest in peace. | |
| Why are Ethiopian's teeth so white? Because they never use them | |
| Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. | |
| Pro tip: if you're caught peeing in public, write the word 'Hi' ì now you're expressing a First Amendment right. | |
| "My memory is so bad." "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?" | |
| The cross country skier decided to retire because his career was going downhill. | |
| If you forget your friends when you enter a relationship, you're not a good friend. | |
| I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is. I stand corrected. | |
| [friend] Can I ask you something? [me] You're already asking. | |
| Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?' - Alicia Keys. | |
| Imagine watching Kirk Cousins play and locking him up for 6 years, $90,000,000, fully guaranteed. BWAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. You Like That | |
| it is thought that milk affects your brain chemistry to guarantee a good night's sleep sleep | |
| "I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up." - Crazy, Stupid, Love | |
| A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?" "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" | |
| "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you might miss it." - Ferris Bueller's Day Off | |
| Hey... go wash your hands! | |
| Sometimes you have to give up on people for your own good | |
| I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again. | |
| Did you know that some nondiet soft drinks contain as many as 11 teaspoons of sugar per serving? diet health | |
| You don't have to do anything about it right now...' just know it! Fix My Life | |
| You leave me here wondering if I'll ever know, how much you care, or how much you don't. -Hunter Hayes | |
| Donald Trump - 'Every man and woman will receive $1200 during this crisis. And just like that.... There were only 2 genders again! | |
| Just googled “LeBron street style” and it did NOT disappoint | |
| You are, and always have been, my dream.' - The Notebook | |
| What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant. | |
| How do you call a beautiful feminist? An oxymoron | |
| Here we go!!! Dr. Sam...haha. The one armed doctor is in! | |
| I heard they came out with the new black transformer... His name is Optimus *Crime* | |
| I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection..." | |
| one time I stuck my hand in a jar of jelly beans and when I took it out all the black one stole my rings and watch | |
| Even the best men in the Chinese military Have chinks in their armor | |
| I'm not Brain Pickings and don't want to be but the best way to cultivate a good reading relationship with the internet is to allow yourself to be prepared to find pretty much anything interesting | |
| I am thankful to all those difficult people in my life who have shown me exactly who I do not want to be! | |
| My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito. | |
| Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs" | |
| Your words cut like knives.' - Tell Me A Lie. | |
| why do mexicans make refried beans? Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time? | |
| What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift. | |
| I will accept pictures until August 19 so please get them in soon!! | |
| Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet. | |
| Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout returns home from the camp. | |
| why do we only eat some of the animals? I'm looking at you manatees keep being fat, your day will come | |
| You'll get it next time, bud.' - Me, every time I try to spell the word 'necessary' | |
| People think I'm weird because I swallowed an Abacus. It's what's inside that counts. | |
| What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce. | |
| What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? "Hey, can you help me pack my shit?" | |
| I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we walked around the office, she starting crying, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my colleagues gathered round she sobbed: "But daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?" | |
| who says homosexuality isn't a decision? i turn women gay all the time. | |
| Those of you who read the Letters from an American newsletter: I do not mean this *at all* derisively, but I've read for the last the week, and the appeal is that it's just a straightforward very clear summary of the news with some context? | |
| An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car | |
| Son: Mom! What's a girlfriend? Mom:if you are a good boy,you will get one when you're older. Son:What if i'm not a good boy? Mom:You'll get many. | |
| I stopped making time for people who can't make time for me | |
| My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of. | |
| What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut. | |
| Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west if only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone. | |
| The folic acid in oranges ensures proper brain development oranges brain | |
| Yawning is our body's way of saying 10% of battery remaining. | |
| woman should have 4 pets in her life A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for it all. | |
| [first day as safari guide] me: ah yes on your left you can see some uh [forgot my glasses] guests: [looking at flamingos] me: i'm gonna say cotton candy | |
| I feel at once unbelievably lucky that I can really isolate myself entirely but am also girding myself for a long, cold winter of isolation | |
| The more we're willing to accept what is and not what we thought, we'll find ourselves exactly where we belong. | |
| What's the difference between Jews and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney. | |
| Mental health stigma keeps Black people away from seeking help for Mental Health issues. MMH Mchat | |
| What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable? Barackoli. | |
| Incredibly vivid memories of that summer, right after graduating from college. We would go into Dubois once a week to *check our email* at the internet cafe. Imagine the glory of checking your email once a week! | |
| My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes. | |
| Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend any more. | |
| [out at dinner] me: is that guy staring at you? i should kick his ass, i fear nothing my girlfriend: i think you should just ask the waiter for the check me: i fear one thing | |
| Did you know 'emas eht yltcaxe' is exactly the same backwards? | |
| This event will be streamed live over the Internet so tell your families,friends and colleagues to watch that were unable to register in time. | |
| A giant fly has attacked the local police... Police have called SWAT team. | |
| Any home remedies for heartburn ? | |
| I saw a cougar. In leopard-print tights. Driving a Jaguar. No lion. | |
| What do flies wear on their feet? Shoos. | |
| "Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?" | |
| When a Lyft driver offers you a mint, it's 'good service.' But somehow it's 'not cool' when I offer all my passengers a rotisserie chicken. | |
| Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy. | |
| An Asian girl walks up to me in a bar. She says ***"Sex sex sex, free sex tonight!"*** Apparently she was giving me her number. | |
| A guy died from laughing too much. It was manslaughter. | |
| I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork. | |
| Is there a cozy ass sweater that you love and live in every winter and I can try and find Poshmark? | |
| "And there in the bathroom, I try not to fall apart." - Taylor Swift. | |
| [friend] Perfect morning for running. [me] Perfect morning for sleeping more. | |
| I don't know who needs to hear this but January is almost over | |
| I miss my umbilical cord, I grew attached to it. | |
| A question I get a lot = How do you find all the stuff you read on the internet. If you follow me you know that sometimes I ask people very explicitly to tell me what they're reading but also..... | |
| Sometimes you need to distance yourself from the grey areas in order to see things black and white | |
| Finally got round to watching 12 years a slave. Can't believe how badly they treated that poor man. He paid good money for that nigger. | |
| I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband." | |
| what is the most confusing day in the ghetto? father's day | |
| [Recent surveys show: 59% of pastors have no family health insurance. 62% have no retirement fund or plan. Half of the pastors surveyed had a salary and housing package that added up to under $50,000. In 2018, the average total student loan debt for a seminary graduate was $54,600] | |
| My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav. | |
| Apparently 'Because I'm white' isn't an acceptable answer to "What proof can you give that you were NOT at the scene of the crime" | |
| What did the asian parents call their retarded son? Sum ting wong | |
| Germany opened up a summer school for kids with ADD. Its a concentration camp. | |
| 'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string | |
| Feelings come and go, so be careful and conscious about which ones you choose to believe. | |
| What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty. | |
| "I ain't perfect. I ain't a saint but I am worth it.' - Drake. | |
| Lets hope the Bucks make history and it starts RIGHT NOW!!! Fear The Deer | |
| What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers. | |
| Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it! | |
| Just learned that the money I donated to help 'save' the elephants goes to baptizing them. | |
| Did you know that a single green chili pepper provides 182% RDA of Vitamin C? chili vitamin C | |
| [teacher] "Solve 128 x 8 + (96 : 4 x 32) + 5 x 90.5 : 2 on the board" [student] Erase the board. Problem solved. | |
| How did I get out of Iraq? Iran. | |
| [first day working at a sperm bank] guy: i'd like to make a donation me: ok cum right this way guy: me: because guy: no I get it | |
| I guess we can't really complain about karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just... evens the score. | |
| BUT DON'T WORRY, THE BARS ARE STILL OPEN | |
| What borders stupidity? Canada and Mexico. | |
| Just think, 100 years from now, our grandchildren will be taking down Senator Kid Rock statues. | |
| We all want to be the only person our spouses have eyes for. Yes, there are many attractive people in the world and we may notice them. But what about talking about them to your spouse? Is it okay for men to talk about other women to their wives? | |
| "Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella | |
| Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream. | |
| Whenever a pen stops working mid-sentence, instead of doing a few swirls at the top of the page, I start drawing the outline of a pen being broken in half and old Mr Bic gets the message real fast. | |
| Things That Dont Make Sense women who complain about cant finding a good man but they always been attracted to the bad guys | |
| boss: can i talk to you in my office me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too | |
| "The truth is... I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart... and I never really got it back." - Sweet Home Alabama | |
| The healthy daily calcium intake for the age group 19-50 year is 1000 mg. | |
| I can't wait for a McDonald's to open in Ethiopia just so I can ask..... "You want flies with that?" | |
| did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic! | |
| I hate two types of people: 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words when they aren't actually there. 2) Hippocrites. | |
| What do you call a black guy in a museum? Antique farm equipment | |
| I also bought my one allotted massive bag of Candy Corn; I am ready To Fall | |
| A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments. I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar. | |
| I did the Macarena, the mashed-potatoes, and the "funky-chicken," and I had my young daughter absolutely rolling over with laughter. My wife had a face like thunder though and hissed, "Get the fuck off my mother's grave." | |
| My ex-girlfriend was a slut. She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie. | |
| To be frank, would involve changing my name. | |
| "Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?" "No son, have you seen my dad glasses?" | |
| What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs. | |
| Did you know that you should brush your teeth for 2 minutes in order to get rid of all the bacteria? most people don't reach a minute!!! | |
| I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug. | |
| Mon coeur est avec Paris. | |
| What do you call a black lady having an abortion? A hero | |
| After I retire, I want to move to Vermont and confuse visitors by opening a 'Bed OR Breakfast.' | |
| You're at home and he don't call, 'cause he don't adore you to him you are just another doll and I tried to warn you.' - Save You Tonight. | |
| "The idea of following a “calling” carries with it this implication of “God called you into this life” so you wear yourself out with that narrative, like you don’t have agency and can’t advocate for yourself in ecclesial systems the way you might be able to in a corporate system" | |
| Why did the baker rob the bank? Because he kneaded the dough. | |
| Just got asked to autograph a breast. My wife was nearby, so I told him 'no.' | |
| What do you call a Chinese man with a camera? Phil Ming. | |
| why did my wife didn't like her jewellery? cuz she is a nazi | |
| Most of the time "politically incorrect" is just code for "incorrect." | |
| What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we're not around? | |
| Just found out that every Fourth of July, the British celebrate, "We Dodged a Bullet Day." | |
| When my Girlfriend got pregnant... Everything changed... My name, My Address, My phone number, My email ID Everything..... | |
| Yes regular time slot, after Haves. 10pm LOV Eis | |
| My extreme sport is people watching on Halloween weekend. Who got a shot of the best costume? | |
| You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. | |
| One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself "What the hell happened to the roof?" | |
| I thought this was going to be very bad but I did not understand just how bad it could possibly be | |
| Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He went up on a guy. | |
| When things aren't working, try a change in direction. Sometimes the opposite of what comes natural to us is just what's needed. | |
| 'Vegetarian' is an old Indian word ... ... for 'bad hunter'. | |
| It's tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes it's impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It's what makes things bitter sweet. | |
| How are black people like Christmas lights? Half of them don't work and the ones that do aren't that bright | |
| Many people are worrying about the affects of genetically modified crops. "There is no proof of any adverse effects,' said one carrot. | |
| A very prominent ex-EW writer was so patient with me as they walked me through how they'd like to be attributed on/off the record. I just had so much "academic" knowledge of the magazine from my diss and truly zero reporting knowledge. | |
| I dont have a dog in the Redskins name change fight but i have 2 predictions: 1: No matter what the Redskins change their name to, the internet will hate it. Aka: "tHaTs ThE BeSt YoU cOuLd CoMe Up WiTh?!" 2: Changing the name will not hurt ur freedom, liberty or patriotism. | |
| I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day. | |
| Caitlin Jenner isn't transgender. She's trans-Jenner. | |
| What did one snowman say to the other snowman? "Can you smell carrots?" | |
| Whenever I talk to a Mexican I feel like there's some kind of barrier between us It's about 4 ft high, made of wood and there's usually a cash register on top of it. | |
| How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her. | |
| [commercial for straws] doesn't life fucking suck ha ha [turns to new camera angle] well now you can too | |
| I asked a woman at work... "Are you doing anything this weekend?" "No" she smiled whilst fluttering her eyelashes... "Great" I replied "the rest will do you the world of good, you look like shit" | |
| Apparently saying "I didn't think anyone would notice" is not a justifiable excuse for having a shit in a Mosque. | |
| I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I'll pass the test. | |
| With how fat America is, I'm surprised their currency isn't in pounds. | |
| your brain is mostly made up of water, thus it's known that drinking water helps you think better, be more alert and more concentrate brain | |
| With the way science is going and the way journalism is going, it's possible that in twenty years the weirdest part of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be that there was once a local reporter. | |
| I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China. He says he can't complain. | |
| Where do you take a frog with bad eyesight? To the hoptician. | |
| Today is National Orgasm Day? What is the world cumming to? | |
| Every morning, I do 100 pushups and 300 crunches, then follow it up with 2 huge lies about my morning routine. | |
| Teach a man to fish? Never. It's hard enough to catch those slippery devils without the competition. I'll teach a man a scary story about how the ocean will kill you if you even think about fishing. | |
| I am, regrettably, here | |
| Give an African a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach an African to phish and he'll steal your identity. | |
| I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously. | |
| Having just seen some SAG awards pics, it should be noted that Meryl can get it | |
| A great way to distract citizens from the disintegration of democratic norms = alienate them and so thoroughly from the democratic process that they stop paying attention altogether | |
| A little fact about me: 'I can hold my pee all night' was my least successful pickup line. | |
| I dunno, I don’t trust anything about this!!! I’m broken and so is everything else!!!!! | |
| Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people. | |
| "I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10" 1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10 | |
| Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. | |
| "Two weeks together, that's all it took, two weeks for me to fall in love with you." - Dear John | |
| May I please get 2 friends to copy and repost? I am trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening. Suicide Awareness 1-800-273-8255 Just two. Any two. Copy- not retweet | |
| why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride | |
| I don't always know all the right questions to ask, but today was a step in the right direction. I'm thankful to be able to use my television and radio platforms to discuss the issues happening in our country today | |
| What do gay Asian men do in the bedroom? They Bangkok | |
| What do you call footwear made from a banana? A slipper! | |
| I painted my PC black hoping it would run faster but now it doesn't work at all. | |
| I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck all day. | |
| Brooklyn friends, what's your favorite way to send someone in Brooklyn flowers? | |
| What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop. | |
| Finally some free time. Should I push the button on my phone that makes me feel bad about my career, the one that makes me feel bad about my body, or the one that makes me feel bad about the people I grew up with? | |
| Me and my recliner go way back. | |
| We are Vibrational beings. You cannot have what you're not willing to become vibrationally' my biggest aha today. Super Soul Sunday | |
| "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller. Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone" - Kelly Clarkson | |
| Why Latvian man did cross road? Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato. | |
| Oh I also bought some wool socks, very glamorous | |
| Confucius say its good to meet girl in the park ...But its better to park meat in the girl. | |
| What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week. | |
| "My education and credentialing did not prepare me for this rapid shift to digital ministry. I have no desire to learn how to edit audio or video. Like, literally none. But I guess I have to now? Is this how older clergy felt when they had to learn how to email?" | |
| What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them. | |
| What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? SNOWBALLS! | |
| Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans. | |
| Time for another beer... 4 th Quarter time. | |
| If you havent figured out where i stand during these times, you're either new or not paying any attention. I make it pretty clear. Maybe ask for clarification before trying to "get me". | |
| Snap! Crackle! Pop!' - me getting out of a beach chair. | |
| Not really looking forward to my next Podcast.... it may be tonight...it may be tomorrow... ugh... Fear The Deer | |
| Kim Jong Un has become so fat We now refer to him as Kim Jong Deux. | |
| Just went to the doctor, my BMI is 40% ice cream. | |
| I have a job crushing soft drink cans. It's soda pressing. | |
| Tried to impress my buddy by dunking two balls into the poolside basketball hoop at the same time but the balls bounced off each other and killed me. | |
| Q: What does an Irishman have for dinner? A: Starvation. Q: And what does he have for dessert? A: Ethnic cleansing. | |
| I always appreciate a good pun, but never geographical ones There's Norway I'd sink Oslo as that | |
| If you can't be happy for the blessings that you have, than at least be thankful for the trials that you don't | |
| Did you know that cold showers are considered anti-aging? This practice of was popularized by Kundalini Yoga practices | |
| I saw two really fat people today talking... Looked like a heavy discussion | |
| Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand | |
| A lion never cheats on their wife. But a Tiger Wood. | |
| Today and tonight, the most recent, clarifying example: No Justice? No Peace | |
| I can sympathize with batteries. I never get included in anything either. | |
| Does it make me seem more badass if I drink this Sleepytime Herbal Tea out of a human skull? | |
| What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. | |
| "I stand corrected," said the man in orthopaedic shoes. | |
| Do you feel like the protest that is happening today is different from any other time? Will this bring more lasting change? Auntie Red Tweet Tea | |
| "And I don't understand what's up and, I keep saying things I never say." - 5SOS. | |
| So many friends with podcasts have had to grapple with the woman who emails/DMs to announce "I subscribed for [this content], not for politics" I mean, everything is politics. But the declarative fashion always gets me: *I* am not political and I am leaving w/my non-politics! | |
| FACEBOOK GROUP. "Every women deserves a man who looks at her like its the first he saw her". Luckily for my wife I've got Alzheimers. | |
| Just a general reminder to let yourself listen to your body. I have taken three mid-afternoon naps this week. I know this isn't available to everyone but there are other places in your life that you can give yourself some grace | |
| Life action Mulan slaps | |
| Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM!? Luckily, I was up playing my drums. | |
| Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated. | |
| Dear Math, I don't want to solve your problem, I have my own problems to solve. Sincerely, students. | |
| Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights. It's going to be Excel Lent. | |
| i hate females who dont like you for your personality, but for your money or what you can do for her.......get a job! you not my wife.. | |
| I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it's fine. | |
| What's the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers. | |
| A paraplegic walks into a bar. Only joking. As if. | |
| What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. | |
| What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal. | |
| A Mormon came to my door, and after a long, emotional, and persuasive pitch, I got him to start wearing longer sleeves. | |
| Thanks SPN Fami Ily 4 a great year of cons.Pas Con was a great way 2 round it out.Have an awesome rest of 2015. Hope 2 see u in the new year! | |
| A dyslexic man walks into a bra. | |
| A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. | |
| Can I just say that our dear friend and director John Showalter is killing it and always does. F-ing great. SPN Fami Iy Director School | |
| Twitter is cool cuz someone who works at a bank will tweet amazing jokes and the funniest comedian you know will tweet "today I had an egg" | |
| 'add 1 tablespoon of chia seeds to your water & let them sit for 30 minutes. The chia seeds keep you even more hydrated than regular water' | |
| Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely, I look like an idiot. | |
| "Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you" | |
| Chess is banned under Islam. They hate that the queen moves freely and that there are two towers standing. | |
| If you could meet any famous person, who would it be? | |
| Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. | |
| The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it . | |
| Not to brag, but I've satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip. | |
| In conversations, avoid laughing at things you say if they weren't jokes. Because you will seem nervous and annoying conversation laugh | |
| '100 g of Spinach provides 402% RDA of vitamin-K which is important for promoting osteotrophic activity in the bone' | |
| I didn't realize the reopening of the Lego store was going to be so popular... People were lining up for blocks. | |
| I can be your Tinkerbell and you can be my Peter Pan, and we can run away together off to Neverland. | |
| The whole world is gonna freak out when the chiefs forfeit tonight's game. They've got 15 weeks to rack up wins. Mahomes will pay the salaries for the guys who aren't super rich, endearing him even more in the locker room. BLM Chiefs Kingdom | |
| Why Christmas is like a job day? You do all the work but the big fat man in suit get the credits | |
| I follow people who are smart and read and tweet the stuff *they're* reading. I Pocket anything that seems interesting and come back to it all in chunks. I follow people in niche areas who tweet niche things because niches are great. | |
| You're about as useful as Anne Frank's Drum Kit | |
| What do you call an African American Houdini? Black Magic | |
| Ever hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he. | |
| I'm looking forward to having DeVon on the show again next week to have further discussions and in the meantime I am here to listen, learn, and support these movements via my platforms. What other questions can I ask and conversations can we have? | |
| "I need someone to be my friend, someone who won't run away. Maybe send me an angel, the nicest angel you have." - Lilo and Stitch | |
| I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me. He told me the steaks were too high. | |
| I was thinking about this piece a few days ago: truly my first experience with reporting REPORTING, esp. w/figuring out the difference b/t off the record and background. I reported it from my office phone at Whitman, where I was still teaching; no real idea what I was doing | |
| Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing. It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?" | |
| A guy walks into a hotel and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The front desk guy replies "It's just regular porn you sick fuck." | |
| I'm not sure whats scarier: The fact that a 17 year old kid drove from Antioch to Kenosha with his long gun and killed 2 people...or that 1/2 my social media "friends" are ok with it. | |
| Number 1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts "Stop boolean me!". | |
| If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. | |
| Bold prediction for Mayweather Mc Gregor: multiple violent incidents between drunken fans who see this event as a racial proxy war. | |
| What did the mermaid wear to her maths class? An algae bra. | |
| [teacher] Where's your homework? [student] I lost it. 15 minutes later [student] I just found it! [teacher] No. You just did it. | |
| What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto. | |
| Be a girl with a mind, a bitch with an attitude, and a lady with class. | |
| has ended. The waiting list is open should anyone cancel. There is no onsite registration so please do not plan to bring a friend... | |
| I hear every thing. I know every thing. I'm watching each and every one of you. And I will return." | |
| A sign you are a grown up is when you realize, school is actually more fun than work. | |
| to rcon2014 thank you! I'm humbled, grateful and inspired. "Family don't end with blood"... SPN Family | |
| Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read. | |
| 'Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief' heartburn | |
| Basketball. The legal way to buy a nigger. | |
| What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE. | |
| Facebook is basically a website that will tell you people's birthdays in exchange for whatever joy you were feeling before you opened it. | |
| What do you call the first black guy elected to the White House? Precedent. | |
| I guess hookers are getting into the holiday spirit. I seen one today advertising pumpkin spice pussy. | |
| I beat a black belt at karate. My next challenger is a green sock. | |
| 'a diet sweetened with honey could both lower anxiety and improve memory' Have a glass of cold milk with honey early in the morning | |
| I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games. | |
| The Magic on a 24-7 run and most of the damage is done with Giannis on the bench. Middleton has allegedly been on the court but u wouldnt know it. The Bucks offense w/o Giannis is stagnant. It shows that in this instance, they cant turn to Khris to be "the man" in crunch time. | |
| Dear Mother In Law, Don't teach me how to bring up my children. I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement. Regards, Doc. | |
| What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap | |
| chocolate just tastes better when you pretend a fat German kid drowned in it | |
| We have to keep reinventing ourselves almost every minute. Because the world can change in an instant, and there's no time for looking back. | |
| "The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." - The Lion King | |
| When you're a kid and you draw some legs you simply draw two sticks. It's not until you're older that you learn the importance of the butt. | |
| Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis." | |
| Dear mathematics: Stop asking to find your x. She has a new boyfriend. | |
| What's the difference between my dick and my jokes? My girlfriend never laughs at my jokes | |
| There will be several games during the playoffs where the Bucks will shoot themselves into losses. There is no "in between" on offense for this team. It's either a 3 or a transition bucket. If 3's aren't falling, the bucks can't win. | |
| NYC's official First Day Of Spring is when outdoor seating becomes an option again. | |
| Speak only when your words are more beautiful than silence | |
| Weirdos I know it's made for me, it's amazing, I'm just asking if teens also like it | |
| “They call the ordinances ‘one more tool in the toolbox’—well, no shit, a tool to repress people that don’t have the money and comfort you have,” he says. “It’s a weapon.” | |
| 2/ This blogger is never, according to this friend, political. The closest she's come is a single post in response to BLM about being actively anti-racist. But in a poll in her Stories, she asked her followers who they were voting for. At first, the tally was split. | |
| Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? Because she wanted to rock and roll. | |
| Gonna hideout in this bathroom and wait for game 4 World Series LA Determined | |
| Beautiful things are not necessarily good, but good things are always beautiful. | |
| You have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make it right. Mistakes are painful, but it's the only way to find out who u really are. | |
| What do you call a group of Japanese people running up a hill? Tsunami Warning | |
| I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: "Bread in captivity." | |
| [first day as a priest] guy: father i must confess my sins me: what's the tea my child | |
| In many parts of the world, carrot juice is considered 'the king of juices' because of its diverse medicinal and therapeutic properties | |
| Railing at what's wrong with the opposite sex is like yelling at cancer. It may make you feel better, but it won't heal a thing. | |
| Boy: Calls 911 Boy: calls 911 Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning. | |
| First rule of Bollywood Club is: Copy every plot from Hollywood Club. Second rule of the Bollywood Club is: Dance for no fucking reason. | |
| Other twists perhaps not readily apparent: Morigeau is Salish and thus wins all the "I'm [BLANK] Generation Montanan" contests; he also has actual political experience | |
| My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it. | |
| Bout to get real! | |
| Do teens actually like PEN15 or is it too *actually* teen? | |
| boss: our insurance doesn't cover "scared farting syndrome" me: i was afraid you'd say that boss: me: boss: oh jesus christ man | |
| East Coast thanks for hanging out tonight! West Coast, your turn is coming up in less than one hour! American Idol | |
| Falafel is a weird name cuz I actually falgreat every time I eat one | |
| Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning." | |
| "Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by." - Jack Sparrow | |
| today was a good reminder for me that when you're feeling anxious or listless about writing a piece, the best cure is always to just.....do some reporting | |
| I can't eat anymore, I'm full Do you want a cookie? YESSSSSSSS! | |
| I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them. | |
| 'Bananas contain tryptophan, an aminoacid that can be converted to serotonin, leading to improved mood' | |
| Barbie have revealed their first hijab-wearing doll. It's so realistic that it even has a removable clitoris. | |
| So you're telling me, I'm the *only* person at this party who thought the 'B' in 'BYOB' stands for 'Botulism?' | |
| I had a final chance to tell him what I've said every time I've been in his presence: 'Thank you for your courage leading the fight for Freedom. My life as it is would not have been possible without you.' | |
| I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside. | |
| "He wouldn't know a suburb unless he took a wrong turn" is admittedly a good line | |
| I don't think that things are simply right or wrong, they're more complicated than that. | |
| Why should transgender people get separate bathrooms? There's already handicapped stalls. | |
| Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He was looking for a tight seal. | |
| What Causes Anger Issues In Men? A lot of men go to to anger management because they get told to go by their partners. But what often gets overlooked, or rather ignored, is where a lot of anger issues in men come from. To read more check out this article. | |
| Huge outbreaks in Billings and in the Flathead, but also Great Falls, Missoula, and surging again in Bozeman.....but also in Chinook, in Glasgow, in Dillon, and still just ravaging the Crow, Northern Cheyenne, Blackfeet, and Fort Peck reservations | |
| The cure for dry skin may be as simple as eight glasses of water per day water dry | |
| [first day as a baker] boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second | |
| Be around people who are excited to see you grow | |
| The stark contrast in the Bucks defense from game 1 to game 3 is amazing. | |
| Do you think the guy who invented French bread was overcompensating? | |
| I dream of girl's changing rooms being full of naked, showering women. But whenever I've run in there, they're just full of screaming ones. | |
| Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish! | |
| Aaron Rodgers using cadence to draw Minnesota offsides IN MINNESOTA is gonna be weird all game. No Fans Go Pack Go | |
| Just got picked up in a self-driving Lyft. And the driver still talked my ear off. | |
| Even though we're in the same time zone, my wife is always one hour ahead of me. | |
| How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. | |
| Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend's food budget to be about $78,000 a year. | |
| Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister... Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right... | |
| Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. | |
| Powerful perspective shift: It's worse to be a narcissist than to have to deal with one. Narcissists are let down every day when people don't pay them enough attention. Sucks to be them. | |
| Flowers are badasses. Flowers eat the sun and if you don't think that's badass I can't help you. | |
| The thing about addiction is; it never ends well. Eventually whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. | |
| Game on! | |
| How do you bury a Jew? Dig a really deep hole and throw a penny in it. | |
| I know I know I've been a little quiet, but life has been busy! I'm about to tweet some quotes in half an hour so stay tuned, my loves! | |
| People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you. | |
| There's a way to write about this race!!!! This isn't it!!!! | |
| If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood. | |
| I wish I was kissing you instead of missing you. | |
| It's not about what u look like or your job, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love andwho love you.' | |
| [first day in heaven] me: i'm sorry the bible just doesn't mention jesus having a brother brett christ: are you fucking serious | |
| boss: can i speak to you in my office me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles | |
| If you want something bad enough, if you're determined enough, if you're patient enough, eventually it will happen and that gives me hope.' | |
| Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV. Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain? | |
| Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the kind of scholar and patriot you get excited about explaining to your kids. The kind of person who you say “who knows, one day you could be HER”. I hope you rest well, RBG, you must have been tired from changing the world. | |
| "Doc, I ate one of those 'Do not Eat' silica packets. Am I going to die??" Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually. Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done? | |
| Has anyone figured out a hack to work collaboratively in Scrivener without endlessly sending renamed drafts back and forth? | |
| We have to make our own mistakes and learn our own lessons. We have to sweep todays possibility under tomorrows rug until we cant anymore. | |
| If there's an upside to free falling, it's the chance you give your friends to catch you. | |
| "Calling someone fat doesn't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter." - Mean Girls | |
| What type of bees produce milk? Boobees. | |
| Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit. | |
| Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? One goes "cockadoodle doo", the other goes, "Any cock 'ill do." | |
| What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. | |
| If it is important, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse | |
| What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have sex with an illegal immigrant? Paperless transaction | |
| I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said: 'How about walking through the room naked?' | |
| How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. | |
| What are all the euphemisms for "vaccine skeptics" in the hippie / wellness space? I've seen "non-conformist" in a bunch of bios, what else? | |
| "Son, I found a condom in your room." "Gee thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday." | |
| Exercise bikes get you nowhere. | |
| Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem. | |
| I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbour is dead against it. | |
| Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind man. Today I lost my job as a bus driver. | |
| I love you and you love me. So whatever happens I don't care. | |
| "You look nice today" "Was I ugly yesterday?" | |
| I know this is a familiar story but what a stomach punch: 2015: 1100 employees, paper sold to Gannett after a century of family ownership Within two years: 800 employees Today: Just over 100 | |
| i love that Romain has three friends and two of them are his fiance's bosses also has Davina sold a property | |
| If you're in NYC, it's way too nice to stay inside! | |
| Some people cry when slicing up onions. I try not to form an emotional bond. | |
| [arriving in hell] me: i didn't know i'd have to wear what i died in forever satan: where did you even find denim underwear | |
| Yo mama's so dumb, she bought tickets to see Xbox live. | |
| Divorce is such a life altering decision, it should only be made in a non-emotional state and after much consideration of the consequences. | |
| Sometimes you have to walk away from what you want in order to find what you really deserve. | |
| We all go through life like bulls in a china shop: a chip here, a crack there, doing damage to ourselves... to other people. | |
| Volkswagen How many Jews Can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray | |
| Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can't live on salad, Eleanor | |
| Being a Dad to twins is WORK. But so rewarding | |
| [first day working at subway] robber: gimme all your money me: would you like that toasted | |
| I can not comprehend seeing professional athletes and sports leagues stand up for equality and justice...and then think, "Nope. That team and sport Ive enjoyed watching with my mom, dad and kids for decades? Im done with that". My newsfeed and TL are littered with these. Go Pack Go º ² | |
| Did you study for the test? Nerd: All week long. Most of people: I read the chapter. Me: What test?! | |
| "And we take, take, take it for granted that we'll be the same but we're making all the same mistakes." | |
| one cup of strawberries contains 21% of manganese, an essential nutrient that acts as a powerful antioxidant & antiinflammatory agent health | |
| 1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard... He went downhill very quickly after that. | |
| American Detective: I solved the case by breaking all the rules British Detective: I solved the case by noticing a specific umbrella | |
| I called the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off. | |
| Friends: "what a perfect morning for a run" Me: "What a perfect morning for sleeping more" | |
| A true friend will never get tired of listening to your problems over and over again. | |
| "I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me." - Harry Potter | |
| When you mind your own business, you eliminate half the bs in your life | |
| I was there filming this and I'm having anxiety watching this. Supernatura I Hipster Werewolf | |
| Italian restaurant. I went to my local Italian restaurant last night, but there was a large fat woman standing at the entrance. I couldn't get pasta. | |
| Happy Thanksgiving! Grateful for fam, friends, hibiscus tea, and stretchy pants that I'll need tomorrow. What're you thankful for? | |
| Let the games begin. Cat And Mouse Sam And Dean Hammer Time | |
| How does the Easter bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise. | |
| Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels. | |
| They say don’t sweat the small shit but I feel like I wouldn’t be successful if i didn’t | |
| [teacher] Why are you late? [student] Why does it matter? You still get paid, right? | |
| Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat. | |
| Miss Universe pageant will be awesome when the sluts from other planets finally decide to show up. | |
| What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period. | |
| Whats the useless skin around the vagina called? A woman | |
| Well shot flashback fight scene. Thank you forever Mr. Tom Wright! SPN Fami Iy | |
| I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her. | |
| What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. | |
| Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they | |
| We're Live on Facebook! Join us now. | |
| It's sweet to see how everybody links their person in that last tweet! Exactly the reason why I tweeted it. Some love is always appreciated! | |
| I don’t mean this snarkily; it’s just a massive conversation amongst women generally right now | |
| I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. | |
| "A thousand families are grieving tonight. A thousand more join them every day. The pain doesn’t go away, it just becomes a furniture of bones, in a thousand thousand homes." | |
| "The only thing standing in your way is yourself." - Black Swan | |
| Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did. | |
| Somehow PEN15 has managed to get sweeter AND weirder AND better in S02; a feat, really | |
| Chinese takeout $30.00. Gas to pick it up $20.00. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers - Riceless | |
| PROUD BOYS, STAND BY! | |
| this Des Moines Register moderator is objectively bad at this. That doesn't mean she is not good at her job. It means she's a bad moderator. And this is why these debates are terrible. | |
| This is a similar argument to what I've seen re: student loan forgiveness: I had to pay it, so you should too But I am so excited for anyone and everyone not to have to go through what I've gone through with student debt! What a gift! | |
| A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey". The horse replies, "Sure". | |
| A real man should know how to order whiskey: on the rocks, in a stemmed glass, and replaced with white wine. | |
| I'm half-French and half-American, but I know my heart is American, do you know why? Because if it were French it would stop working! | |
| If your girl gets her eyebrows done today be sure to let her know her brows look sexy af | |
| [late 2000's medical drama] doctor: [walks in from operating room] woman: how is he [the doctor gives a pained frown as how to save a life by the fray starts playing] doctor: oh that's my ringtone [answers phone] what's that oh her husband died damn ok | |
| A: Q5. I didn't assume my wife's debt. But I pretty much paid for everything for the three years she was climbing out of it. Love And Money | |
| 'Coffee is diuretic. It flushes out the fluids off your body. Hence, drink more water to replenish lost fluids' coffee | |
| The body is 70% water.. So cool, I'm not fat, I'm just flooded.. | |
| People will judge you by what they see, and although it's not fair, don't give them a reason to find fault | |
| How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job? Marry her. | |
| Happy New Year to my friends on the West Coast! Welcome to 2020! Rockin Eve | |
| I am stunned by all the amazing acting from the episode. I could feel everyone's pain and fear and I'm such an emotional mess right now! | |
| "I want my best friend back, because I'm in love with her." - Friends With Benefits | |
| I asked one of my sumo-wrestling friends whether he wanted some sushi for dinner He just replied "No thanks, I'm not a big Japanese guy" | |
| I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent | |
| Coca-Cola can be pretty insensitive. I mean how are black kids going to feel when they pick up a bottle with "Share a Coke with Dad" on it? | |
| When you were younger did you have a "type"? Did it change over time? Is your wife "your type" Auntie Red Tweet Tea | |
| People, despite our best intentions, are not always what they seem | |
| If you can't say it to their face, then don't say it behind their backs either | |
| Jokes about German sausages are the Wurst. | |
| What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE | |
| I'm gonna have to say that directing is stellar. I'm digging this episode! Hope u are too | |
| Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for I can never get a straight answer. | |
| Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life. | |
| How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick. | |
| Happy St Patricks Day! Always excited for this day ever since I found out I had some Irish in me. | |
| Little timmy has no hands. What did he get for Christmas? Gloves. Just kidding. He still cant open his present. christmas jokes | |
| A short poem for y'all... "*Roses are black* *Violets are black* *Everything's black* *Even I am black*" - Stevie Wonder | |
| The Taliban's new leader is said to be 'low-key.' Which explains the Taliban's new video, 'Death to Whatevs!' | |
| Anyway if you have additional theories I'm really fascinated by Substack readership in general, theorize away | |
| When you were on the front line during the Rodney King protest, how did you keep your mental health going?Auntie Red Tweet Tea | |
| Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand | |
| Now entering the final round... Who's your favorite so far? American Idol | |
| Time flies when you're throwing watches. | |
| White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class. | |
| Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it's a bad birthday present. | |
| I know for sure he heard me. I felt good about that. He understood and was so gracious. | |
| Did you know that you should brush your teeth for 2 minutes in order to get rid of all the bacteria? most people don't reach a minute!! | |
| What if the man in Edvard Munch's 'The Scream' is actually just singing 'Day-O' from 'The Banana Boat Song?' | |
| Last 5 bucks possessions: Lopez miss 3. No rebound Hill miss 3. No rebound. Bledsoe 1 ft Lopez miss 3 no rebound. Middleton miss 3. No rebound. | |
| I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience. | |
| boss: what are you doing inventor of the bagpipes: i have no fucking idea | |
| I told him his views were pretty extreme and it would be more beneficial for him to consult with real scholars before coming to such conclusions. 4/7 | |
| "Mum, all the black kids call each other Nigga, but when I call them it I get in trouble." "That's because you're a police officer." | |
| In honor of Fathers Day, I'm gonna bring you "24 Dads in 24 Hours": I'm gonna re-release all 24 "Check Out My Dad Pod" podcast episodes every hour starting at midnight! If you've missed them, you'll really enjoy hearing from WONDERFUL dads! | |
| I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers. |