test.csv

"question","response"
"There are 10 types of people in this world","Those who understand binary, and those who don’t"
"The baker in my town was secretly a noble","I guess he was well-bread"
"Macbeth joke in the wild I was at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival waiting for “Macbeth” to begin and next to me this Dad says conversationally to his family, “You know, It makes sense that this play is set in Scotland","after all they mostly get kilt”  His family groaned and I gave him props for the Dad joke in the wild"
"What is probably the least friendly mathematical concept","The mean"
"Any time I start a sentence with  Well","My father cuts me off and says   'Well' Now that's a deep subject"
"Got my girlfriend after eating cake My girlfriend just finished eating a slice of cake with blue icing.   I told her that I didn't know she was so technologically advanced.   She replied,  what do you mean","You have bluetooth"
"Why did Mickey Mouse need a club","To make Donald Duck"
"A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender","Is this stool taken?"
"Where did Buzz Lightyear go to buy a new car","To Infiniti and beyond"
"How. Trump asks his chef for some extra cheese “Make","America grate again.”"
"Do you have a gluten free menu","Yes, all of our menus are 100% gluten free"
"I think. I put too many baked beans in my eyes. It was a poor decision, in","Heinz sight."
"I just found out my girlfriend puts ice in her milk","Our relationship’s on the rocks"
"They called it the dark ages","Because there was so many knights"
"My buddy opened a tavern for basketball players, and there are already imitators","Good thing he set the bar so high"
"I've never met John Venn","We don't mix in the same circles"
"I don't understand why aquatic mammals are even necessary","I mean, what porpoise do they serve?"
"What does a dog use to move","A U-Howl"
"I was going to get a brain transplant","But the idea of them opening your head really changes your mind."
"My buddy posted a pic of his odometer to Facebook, and I couldn't resist.  His picture showed his odometer as 222222. 2 miles.   I commented,  It looks like you've gone a little two far","He replied,  Touché"
"What happens when a frog parks illegally","His car gets toad"
"Why are there no capital numbers","No one has made a case for them"
"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know y"
"What's a coal miners favorite piano key","A miner"
"Got my Girlfriend with a Classic Last Night We were texting friends trying to set up something over the weekend and her best friend bailed saying she needed to save money","So my girlfriend turned to me and said:   I'm SO pissed off    Well that's better than being pissed on honey   You could hear the groan from a mile away"
"Dad Jokes defuse tense situations I was home earlier than normal, and dad was in basement.   Dad:  Who's there, I'm armed.   Me:  I'm legged.   Both: *Laugh","Tension gone*"
"Vodka,. Tequila,. Whiskey","I'm calling the shots"
"What do you call a Spanish energy storage device","A que-pasa-tor"
"I work at a farmer's market","I'd say that makes me a profreshinal"
"Why did the coffee pot file a police report","Because it got mugged"
"I had a dentist appointment at 2:20 today.  About ten minutes in, I realized","it's tooth hurty"
"My son says he hates alphabet soup, though hes never even tried it","Well he's going to eat his words"
"I like telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs"
"I have fond memories of when I was 8.  My dad used to take me up a hill and roll me down in a tire","That was a Good Year"
"New York MTA (subway) dad must be in control of writing for the website.  [http://i. imgur. com/X8NnAsa. png](http://i. imgur. com/X8NnAsa","png)"
"The man who invented auto correct has died","His funfair is on sundial at moon"
"Just heard the best dad joke ever from my teacher.  My personal finance teacher who's a father of two just said this after he was asked what animal he would be.   I would be a crocogator.  It's got an alligator head on one end and a crocodile head on the other end.  It's the scariest animal in the world.  Wanna know why.  Because it doesn't have anyway to go to the bathroom","Got a slight chuckle from everybody"
"Ruined my joke.  In the car, I tried to get my 7yr old with the classic  Matterdeer  joke, and it went like this.   Me: Hey son, what's the difference between a matterdeer and a matador","Son: They sound similar, but they're spelled differently"
"I've started writing. German poetry","Could be verse"
"I saw plenty of squirrels this morning cycling through the park","I don't know how they can afford bikes"
"I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people","But none of them work"
"How does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent"
"My first username was Footloose","Then I changed it to Im_Alright, and now it's Danger_Zone But enough about my Kenny Logins"
"What do you call a sumo with a sore foot","Anything you like, he won't be able to run fast enough to catch you"
"Having dinner out with my parents the waitress asks my dad, “you wanna box","” “No but I know a little Kung Fu” used hand motions and everything"
"On what do crocodiles watch porn","Incrocnito mode"
"I accidentally gave my wife some glues tick instead of lipstick","She's still not on talking terms with me"
"No matter how kind you are,","German children are always kinder."
"Wanted. Dead &. Alive. Schrodinger‘s","Cat"
"Why did the farmer quit his job to pursue a music career","He was tired of Hallin Oates"
"My son asked me if he’s adopted","I said ‘Yeah your new parents will be here any second now’"
"I ran over a kitten on the drive home.  Really nailed it, poor thing went flying.  My seven year old son says from the passenger seat,  Dad, that was.  CATastrophic","Felt bad for the cat, but pretty damn proud of my son"
"[Meta] This sub is turning into /r/jokes All over the place I see people just posting corny jokes.  Dad jokes are more than corny jokes.  They're situational, they're stories, they're reactionary","Not just setups and punchlines"
"A comic book artist was shot dead in his apartment","The police investigating the crime scene says that the details are sketchy"
"Q: Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them","A: So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian"
"Actual conversation with my wife this morning after receiving a wedding invitation: wife:  I put. January 19th in the calendar","Me:  it wasn't there already!?"
"I started a successful enterprise building yachts in my attic","Sales are through the roof"
"I told my wife that I'm thinking of going as a pair of eyeglasses this Halloween","Please don't,  she begged,  You'll make a spectacle of yourself"
"Why did the old man fall in the well","He couldn't see that well"
"my dad just got dadjoked via group text sister: wish. I was there with you. Dad: catch a plane  sister:","I don't have a big enough net"
"I don't get why so many high-schoolers are vegetarians","I was always taught meat is protein"
"I witnessed a kidnapping in the local park today. Thought","I better not wake him up"
"Whichever of the car companies that comes out with the model. Hindsight this year would make quite a bit of money. Introducing the  2020","Hindsight"
"My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns.  But [this](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/as1fib/otherwise/) post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise"
"What do you call being roasted by a guy with Ph","A 3rd Degree Burn"
"How do you organize a space party","You planet"
"Two melons want to get married","But they can't elope"
"A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online","But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections"
"Did you hear about the popcorn that got kicked out of the military","It used to be a kernel"
"I'm always confusing linoleum with other things, but","I never take it for granite."
"Drove my wife to the edge with this one We were on the road, and she was complaining about having sore hands.   *Me:* Do you think your hands are sore because all you've done today is drive us all places.   *Wife:* Yeah - too much time gripping this steering wheel","*Me:* Oh, that's carpool tunnel syndrome"
"My geology teacher When people ask a question he doesn't know the answer to, usually not a geology question, he answers  elephants and rhinos .  When elephants and rhinos combine they make elephinos.  Which sounds like  hell if I know","I giggle every time"
"Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82","I'm easily lead"
"I asked a tree if it’d tell me what it’s made of","It replied: “Yeah, I wood”"
"Where did she go.  [Found this one](https://4. blogspot. com/-pe5VCvBTDJU/V6YcWx1JPiI/AAAAAAAA4Zo/y_PCLVgg2YEgKs-4aH6GoPZ1Cw5izlxtQCLcB/s640/hidinginthebushes_reddit","png) over on /r/Screenshots - posted by /u/Deathatdawn - and thought y'all might enjoy"
"My dad announced at dinner yesterday that they're reprinting the Euro","on Greece-proof paper"
"“How did you like skydiving. ” “Oh, you know","It was descent”"
"We were talking about cost of making coins","Me: “takes about 7 cents to make a nickel and 2 cents to make a penny”  Dad: “that don’t make no cents”"
"At first I didn’t realize why the door was getting bigger","Then it hit me"
"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building.  Of course","The Empire State Building can’t jump"
"Two owls were sitting in opposite trees and hooting at each other while we were walking on a research trip.  My professor earned dad joke gold.  I suggested the male owl was trying to mate with the female.  My friend said no, they were probably married and it was a domestic dispute","Our professor said,  maybe someone forgot to pay their owlimony"
"My friends came over for band practice","My dad came downstairs with a jar of peanut butter and said,  I brought this to go with your jam."
"Just got back from Little Caesars with my Dad.  Employee: What can I get for you guys.   Dad: We'll take one of your  Hot and Ready  thingies.   L.  Employee: It will be just a minute.  We ran out.  We've got some that are almost ready","Dad: Then I guess you're getting almost five dollars"
"I love using our theatre’s trapdoor","it’s just a stage I’m going through"
"Just gardening when my uncle asks me a question.   What are you planting.     Hostas, seedums and.     Yeah I see them 1-2-3-4-5","Doesn't help much when my dad dropped a  Seedum grow  joke an hour before"
"Why is the clock so noisy at night","It really ticks me off"
"Where does a cow fart come from","The Dairy-Air"
"What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke","Children"
"What's the downside of eating a clock","It's time consuming"
"In. Rogue. One,. When. Vader tells. Krennic  Don't choke on your aspirations","It's actually a *double* pun and enters the realm of dad quality"
"When my wife asked what I was doing, I lied and said I was laminating copies of my newest novel","But that was just a cover for my story"
"When they told me to stop impersonating a flamingo","I put my foot down"
"Why do I look at memes on the toilet","For shits and giggles"
"My dad replies to a request for ice cream Mom:  Honey, can you bring me some ice cream","Dad:  Haagen Daz what Haagen says"
"1,3,5,7,9","I can't even"
"I had a picture of welch's grape jelly as my phone lock screen for a solid month before the wife asked me about it","It's my jam"
"What did the moon say to it's emo kid","It's just a phase, kiddo"
"Velcro","What a rip-off"
"Did you hear about the world's largest pickle","It's a really big dill"
"I have just one word for people trying to abbreviate “donut","” Don’t"
"Job Hunting My wife was helping me look for a job online when she said,  Here's one that pays pretty well to wash mirrors","I looked at her and said,  Yeah I can see myself doing that"
"Talking about Mono My mom, my brother, and a friend were all talking about how this one mutual friend of ours has mono.   Mom:  Yeah, she has mono.   The unfortunate thing is there's not much you can do about mono.   Me:  She could always switch to Stereo.   The looks I got were life threatening","It was great"
"Dadjoked some coworkers today Me - I love checking my bank account.   Them - Why","Me - The bank keeps telling me how good I am at this whole money thing, my balance keeps going up and they even labeled it as outstanding"
"This morning, I told my Australian friend that the store was having a sale, and that he should check it out.  He looked up at me, took out his earphones and said","Good I might"
"Have you heard of the new book about social media","Yeah, I just Reddit"
"What did the skeleton bring to the potluck","Spare ribs"
"I used to make friends fast","I stopped when they all starved to death."
"How did Quasimodo know that Esmeralda wasn't in love with him","He had a hunch"
"It’s pancake day on Tuesday","Time flies, that really crêped up on me"
"Embarrassed my wife at Target We had to pick up paper towels, and my wife had stopped and was looking at a couple packages.   Her:  I'm trying to see the difference between these two.     Me:  One is plain white, the other has prints.     Her:  Oh.     Me: *singing*  Purple stain, purple stain","She quickly walked to a different section of the store"
"Customer: Cargo space.  Me: No car no fly","Car drive"
"She Sells Sea Shells by the Sea Shore.  Say that five times fast","*thatthatthatthatthat*"
"Why do chickens only make one type of sound","They can't think outside the bawks-"
"During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish.  Yet, he still can’t say please","Which I think is poor for four"
"People don’t approve when I run up to them on the street and try making a plaster cast of their faces","At least that’s the impression that I get"
"I got my fiancee the other day when we were driving by the peace bridge.  The bridge was lit with green and red lights for Christmas","She said  they should've made it blue and white for Hanukkah , so I responded  well Hanukkah always gets passed over"
"For. Halloween. I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt","I'm going to be an ascot"
"Told my dad I had to kill some time this morning.  Was driving with my dad and sister.  I was going to get dropped off downtown, my sister and dad were going to the courthouse.  I had to meet somebody but was very early.  This is the conversation.   Me: Man, I'm going to have to kill a lot of time this morning.   Dad: Why.  What has time ever done to you","Me: oh god"
"Is that mucus","no, it's snot"
"Hiking with my dad while growing up in Texas.  Every time","Tapping on a rock one of us is resting on or using to tie a shoelace,  You know, some people take this stuff for granite"
"What is a sailor's least favorite vegetable","Leeks"
"I angered two people today by calling them  hipsters","I guess the term  conjoined twins  is what they prefer."
"Did you hear about the cheese truck that crashed on the highway","Da brie was everywhere"
"If a walking corpse is referred to as a zombie, then what would you call a running one","A Zoombie"
"My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”…   No-one knows why","He’s become a Mister E"
"My Mom asked me to go get a light bulb for a new lamp.  I went into the kitchen and looked in the fridge.  I stood there for a second and realized what I was doing and called out to her  I don't know why I am looking for this in the fridge.    My dad responded from the other room  You're not too bright","HAHAHA"
"When does a joke become a parent","After the delivery"
"Dad died 17 years ago, but mom takes on the responsibility http://imgur","com/48pSnFZ"
"I take the stairs at work every day","I'm trying to take my fitness to the next level"
"I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but. I don't know where","I'll put my plate."
"What do you eat during a sandstorm","Samdwindches"
"Dad jokes are not funny","Dad jokes r/funny"
"SPOILER. ALERT","I just gave my daughter a new car for her birthday."
"Why don't vultures eat while flying","Because carrion costs extra"
"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them"
"How do you distinguish a male ant from a female ant.  Drop them in a glass of water.    If it sinks, it's a girl ant.   If it floats","It's a boy-ant"
"How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk","Toucans (two cans)"
"Saw an ad that said  Radio for sale, $1","Volume knob stuck on full  I thought,  I can't turn that down"
"I was cooking pasta for dinner and as the water was bubbling over","I said:  Goodbye water, you will be mist."
"The honorable baker walked into a room full of rolls  All rise.    The baker said humbly,  you don't need to do that","The rolls responded:   It's the yeast we can do"
"what separates ireland and iceland","​  ​  nothing but a c"
"Waiting for Spider-man I went to see the new spider-man movie today, and they were a bit slow cleaning the cinema from the previous showing (probably because of everyone sticking around for the post-credits scene), so a bunch of us were hanging out outside.   A guy with two kids walks up and says  Are you waiting for Spider-man.   one of the folks waiting says yes, and the dad says,  Oh well, I'm sure he'll swing by soon.    I gave him a nod of respect","Thought you guys would appreciate too"
"I'm dying (x-post r/theLastAirbender) http://hotshotkorra. tumblr","com/post/101405470058/equalistmako-classic"
"Tinnitus","Got a nice ring to it"
"Why did the chicken coop only have two doors","If it had four it would be a chicken sedan"
"When I feel low, I like to eat shrooms","They give me morel support"
"Why are fat penguins so popular at parties","They know how to break the ice"
"What do you do if you find yourself in Jurassic Park","You get Jurass out"
"Finally got myself a groan Girl i'm dating enjoys most of my jokes, but i finally got a groan.   me:  are you still working on homework.    her:  Nope, i gave up on that a while ago.  now i'm just listening to music.    me:  that's a pretty SOUND decision","her:  ooooommmggg"
"A fish store near me was robbed yesterday They caught the guy","When he was asked why he did it, he told the cops that it was  just for the halibut"
"My son asked me","Can i get a raise on my allowance   I told him   yeah you can put your 5 dollars outside and they can get some sun raise"
"I used to be nostalgic","Those were the days"
"Home Improvements One downside to your mother is that she nags me to do jobs around the house","If I say I'm going to do something, I'll do it, I don't need reminding every six months"
"One time. I swallowed a dictionary","It gave me thesaurus throat ever"
"Why did the dog go to the bank","He needed to make a dePAWsit"
"What did the Beastie Boys fan say when their idol Adam Yauch asked them what their favourite Village People song was","Why, MCA"
"As a pharmacist who usually writes instruction labels for oral medications","Most of what I say to patients is ingest"
"I was up all last night, worried about where the sun went","Then it dawned on me"
"I strip wires for a living","It’s not a glamorous job, but at least I can make ends meet"
"Shout out to dads","For being the original motherfuckers"
"My son just told me that he is studying. Mesopotamia this term. I said “Great,. I can","Babylon about it for hours!”"
"Did you hear the one about the blind ship captain","He couldn't sea anything"
"How many years did Robinson Crusoe spend on a deserted island.  Zero","Once he arrived, the island was no longer deserted"
"Girlfriend got dad-joked (by her dad, who else) They're talking about sleeping arrangements for an upcoming trip that we're all taking, and he brings up the idea of us sleeping in a tent.   Girlfriend: I don't really care, I just like his company.   Girlfriend's dad: He owns a business","I knew I liked this kid"
"What did the man say when his bakery burned down","My whole business is toast"
"I am addicted to seaweed","I must seek kelp"
"You know when you see a picture of a fish, there's always another fish right next to it","It's there for scale"
"Once when I worked at KFC.  We were wrapping corn in the morning.  There were dozens of cobs on the table.  I Said","No one make any corny jokes"
"What is a mathematician's favorite pet","π-thon"
"Bow down before 'Nice One Dad', the website gatekeeper of the worst dad puns known to man.  [Here's the link. ](http://niceonedad","com/)"
"I'm a mail man and one of my customers told me this one today He and his kids approached me while I was delivering  Dad: Excuse me sir can I ask you something.  Me: Sure man what's up","D: We were just wondering if that is a mail truck or a female truck"
"How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm","You follow the fresh prints"
"My friend Theo has decided to open an American President themed felt shop","He's calling it Theodore's Rows of Felt"
"The blind date was going badly until we found out we shared one thing","Not being able to see"
"Why do people of Athens hate waking up so dam early","Dawn is tough on Greece"
"Butts **Me:** Son, we have to get you to the hospital right away.  You need a new butt.   **5 yr old Son:** What.   Why.   **Me:** Because yours has a crack in it  **5 yr old Son:**","HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  That's now his favorite joke, and he tells it to anyone that will listen"
"A student got me today Three students had four microscopes set up to look at specimens for biology lab today.  They moved from one microscope to the next as a group.  I asked why they were doing this instead of one person per microscope","One of them replied  we are just scoping things out"
"How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16","Multiply"
"Do you know which chore sucks","Vacuuming"
"How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you","Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round"
"Easter dinner was great today","We made sure it had all the crucifixins'"
"Looking at the ceiling I'm just looking at my ceiling.  Not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world, but","It's right up there"
"My girlfriend unknowingly dad joked me We were watching TV when she said her back was sore and the conversation went like this:  Her: My back is bothering me a little.   Me: Do you want an aleve.   Her: I mean I guess if you don't want me to stay","I was confused for a second till I realized what she thought I said"
"What is the difference between a Hippo, and a Zippo","One is quite heavy, and the other is a little lighter"
"Got my son last night Me:  how is your homework going  Him:  I'm done  Me:  Don't call yourself dumb,  your are a smart boy.   Him:  No dad,  I am finished.   Me:  You are Finnish.   I didn't know you were from Finland","Him:  laughing  My wife:  heavy groans and eye roll then promptly walks away  Me:  Beaming with pride"
"Too late I realized the new jar of discount mayonnaise felt light.  When I opened it up the pristine surface collapsed into a large air pocket","Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo"
"I heard then man who invented. Tetris died","When they buried him the entire graveyard disappeared."
"Dad had his moment for the day again.  So the news was on, the presenter was talking about how a new dinosaur has been unearthed in China and its name was incomprohensible to my father, who upon hearing the rather complex given name exclaimed  Why didn't they simply call it A CHINA-SAUR","Ugh"
"I’ve got a large collection of chewing gum","All mint in box"
"What do you call a camel with no humps","Humphrey"
"So what if I don't know what Armageddon means","It's not the end of the world"
"A genie asked,  What’s your first wish.   Steve answered,  I wish I was rich","And the genie said,  What’s your second wish, Rich"
"What are the 3 rings to marriage.  Engagement ring 2.  Wedding ring 3","SuffeRING  My dad just told me this joke"
"Classic dadjoke at the ER Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.     When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on.  They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests.  The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.     So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking.  His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:    He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look","Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there"
"My wife was unsure if she liked the color she dyed her hair.  The day after, she decided she did like it and said  My hair is really growing on me","I said  How else could it have gotten up there"
"The cashier at Whole Foods hates me Went to WFs to buy some killer produce, specifically avocados.  They sell both  organic  and  conventional  type avocados at the one near me.  I decided to not overspend on four avocados so I went the conventional route.  I take my poor man's avocados to the cashier to ring up and she asked  Are these organic.   I said,  no conventional, but still organic.   She looked at me while handing me my receipt  and said,  ooooh, that's a gooooood one","Bye bye"
"My coworker dropped some kale","There was some kaleateral damage"
"A closed letter to the mods of r/dadjokes","O"
"What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other","Assymmetrical"
"My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder After a few seconds I told him to stop","That's fine"
"A sandwich walks into a bar","He orders a larger and the bartender says “sorry we don’t serve food here”"
"So I was in a hostel playing chess with a European guy when an Aussie comes up and says.   There's no way you'll win.     Why","Because he's Czech, mate"
"There's a hole in the nudist camp's wall","The police are looking into it."
"A couple of years ago my friend told me. I have a hard time letting go of the past","I'll never forget it"
"I told my dad I wanted to be an anesthesiologist","He said,  Knock yourself out"
"Dad joked a table at work I work at a smaller chain pizza place, and we serve  artisan pizzas .  A family comes in and orders pizzas, with the dad ordering the fungi (the name of one of the pizzas).  As I drop them at the table, I announce  I have a fungi for a fun guy","The table goes silent, then the dad bursts out laughing while the rest of his family groaned"
"What’s a girl’s favorite candy bar","Her/she"
"Hey kids, do you know why my digital watch face is always blank","Because I prefer my watch to have that timeless look"
"The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards","I’m having a hard time dealing with it"
"Found out last night that my 7 year old son is a dad On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.    >wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.    Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders","I have never been so proud"
"Why should you never play board games with jungle cats","They're a bunch of cheetahs"
"My kid called me a Cantaloupe today I replied  I am not a cantaloupe, Mom says I'm a honeydew.  as in honeydew this, honeydew that","The kid actually went  Bah dum, Tsss"
"Dad with new phones My mom and I just got new phones today.  I got an Otterbox case and she didn't have a case yet.  So my mom asked me if she could look at my case.      My dad then chimes in and says,  You sound like a trial lawyer .       Why's that","Because you're trying cases all the time"
"Don't fall off a skateboard with a guitar","You could break your neck"
"A guy bought his friend an elephant for his room The friend said  thanks","The guy said  don't mention it"
"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was chosen to act in a biopic on 18th century musical composers","I'll be Bach"
"The dynamite factory in my town is hiring new workers","I guess business is booming"
"My boss got my coworker this morning.  Boss:  You're twenty-eight.  Jesus.  Soon enough you'll have furniture disease.    Coworker:  Sir, what is furniture disease.    Boss:  It's when your chest falls into your drawers","Collective groans hear round the office"
"What do you call a band made of psychoanalyists","Pink Freud"
"My dad just sent this to me in a CHAIN letter with a GIF.  A woman brought a very  limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.  As she laid  her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his  stethoscope and listened to the  bird's chest.   After a moment or two, the vet  shook his head and sadly said,  I'm sorry, your  duck, Cuddles, has passed away.    The  distressed woman wailed,  Are you sure.    Yes, I am  sure.  Your duck is dead,  replied  the vet.    How can you be so sure.   she  protested.   I mean you haven't done any testing on  him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or  something.    The vet rolled his eyes, turned  around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes  later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the  duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood  on his hind legs, put his front paws on the  examination table and sniffed the duck from top to  bottom.  He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes  and shook his head.   The vet patted the dog on  the head and took it out of the room.  A few minutes  later he returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the  table and also delicately sniffed the bird from  head to foot.  The cat sat back on  its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly  and strolled out of the room.   The vet looked  at the woman and said,  I'm sorry, but as I said,  this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead  duck.    The vet turned to his computer terminal,  hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed  to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock,  took the bill.   $150.   she cried,  $150 just to  tell me my duck is dead.    The vet shrugged,   I'm sorry.  If you had just taken my word for it,  the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab  Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.    EDIT: OMG YOU GUYS I HAD TO GO TO A FUNERAL, SORRY I TOOK TOO LONG TO GIVE YOU YOUR FREAKIN' GIF.   Here is the GIF that was in the ridiculous chain e-mail: http://i. imgur. com/q7FwCut. gif  And here is the possibly even more amusing photo that was at the top: http://i. imgur. com/KoMRlv8","jpg"
"Our project was a bust","We got ahead of ourselves."
"After becoming addicted to gilding submissions,. I have spent more coins than. I have","I am in red-debt"
"🐻 Does a bear wear black or white socks.  🐻 🐾 Neither, he has bear feet","🐾"
"My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make","\[deleted\]"
"What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray","A seasoned veteran"
"Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport","You can hear a pin drop, after all"
"I ate too much.  Me:  I ate too much","Dad:  I seven too much"
"Dadjoked my sister about matching tattoos.  My sister and I were talking about getting matching tattoos, and she mentions that she's going to get a matching tattoo of a black cat with her friend.    Sister:  You can get a cat, too.   Me:  I would love a cattoo","Sighs and groans ensued"
"What do you call a group of comedians standing on the front of a cruise ship","A deck of cards"
"This one really stings My girlfriend and I are sitting outside when she sees a bee land about a foot away.    Her: OMG KILL IT KILL IT PLEASE.    Me: why.  He's just minding his own bzzzness",""
"Why can't the guy who does inventory for Lipton go out and have a beer after work","Because he is a tea totaller"
"My daughter's teacher told her class that flying cars are going to be available next year.  And apparently, it's true:  http://money. cnn. com/2015/05/18/luxury/flying-cars-aeromobil/  So my daughter has been talking nonstop about them and how she wants me to get one.    I told her I don't think they'll ever take off.   She kept talking","I guess my joke went over her head"
"What’s the coolest way to die","Hypothermia"
"Pun enters a room, kills 10 people Pun in, 10 Dead","My case is closed"
"I accidentally squirted ketchup in my eye. I now have","Heinzsight"
"Did you hear about the restaurant they opened on the International Space Station.  There is zero atmosphere but the food is out of this world","Edit for grammar"
"Discussing plans for family day out: Sister and Mother start talking about going to Costa Coffee shop and without hesitation my dad replies,  nah we can't go there, it costs-a lot","My whole family groaned"
"My car was rejected from the car show","It wasn't wearing the proper attire"
"My teacher and class started groaning.  The bells were wrong because of testing and rung too early","My teacher replied  sit down the bells are off today  I said  No, they are clearly on"
"Did you hear about Five Guys restaurants not serving women anymore","Apparently they fired one guy, so now it's Four Guys only"
"If someone was selling drugs in this place","Weed know"
"I got both of my sons at the grocery store earlier today","They were 50% off"
"What did Tennessee","The same thing that Arkansas"
"OC from my dad My dad sent this to me in email.  The subject was:  Live from the Met   http://imgur","com/gallery/oJqXVkJ"
"I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and I almost got into an accident","I should have concentrated on the road"
"Why did the dad fall down a well","Obviously he couldn’t see that well"
"Muhammad Ali was a true dad.  At a Louisville restaurant he was told that  We don't serve negroes here.   He replied,  That's ok I don't eat them","I'm sure a chorus of moans resonated throughout the restaurant"
"So this guy walks up to a homeless girl and says she’s really beautiful and asks if he can take her home","She seemed really excited until he picked up her box and walked away"
"What did the blanket say as it was falling off the bed","Oh sheet"
"Wife -  The fridge is a little bare  Me -  No it's not","It's a fridge"
"This was too easy.  Wife:  Have you seen my cardigan.  I think I left it in the car","Me:  Its there, that's why it's called a CARdigan"
"My daughter schooled her grandpa at his own game.  couldn't be more proud.  So my dad thought he would try the ultimate dad joke card game with my 4 year old daughter.  good old 52 card pick up.   They sit down, he gets her excited to play, he does the cards all over thing and they both laugh.  My 4 year old daughter then picks up 2 cards and says  Here you go.   in a drop mic fashion and walks away to go play something else","She handed him a 5 and a 2"
"I got arrested for stealing flowers","But they were planted on me"
"Why did the cook spill his soup","Because there was a leek in the pot"
"I was eating in a restaurant yesterday. when the waitress yelled “Does anyone know CPR. ” I yelled back “I know the whole alphabet. ” Everyone busted out laughing except for one guy","I hope he’s okay"
"What do you call a white supremacist that doesn't eat meat","A Vegetaryan"
"Where does the teenage boar with a skin condition go to school","Hogworts"
"911. What’s your emergency. My wife’s going into labor. Is this her first born","No this is her husband"
"I had pizza that made me shake a bit","It was from Little Seizures"
"I noticed my car making funny grumbling noises","I think it might have gas"
"I hear. Tom. Hiddleston is in the background of one of the scenes in. Avengers 2","It's quite a low key appearance"
"Dad always told me,  No matter what you do in life, set the bar high","otherwise kids can reach the liquor"
"Home Depot We were driving by Home Depot.   Dad: This is the new anti-drug headquarters.   Family: What.  Dad: It's Home De-pot","Mom&Brother: [groan] Me: XD"
"Every.  Single.  Time.  Driving past a cemetery:  Look.  A graveyard","People are just dying to get in there"
"What did the math book say to the pencil","I've got a lot of problems"
"My boyfriend and I are apartment hunting","enter Dad Me: We're looking at a couple of studios right now  Dad: Really, why do you need more than one"
"Why does Harry Potter only shop at Target","Because he hates Waldemart"
"Why do ducks have feathers","To cover their butt quacks"
"My brother and I made a bet as to who could walk barefoot on Legos on the floor.  I lost the bet","I suffered the agony of defeat"
"An old man and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night.  The little boy looks up at the old man and says “ It sure is dark and scary out here”","The old man look down at the little boy and says “Youre telling me, I gotta walk outta here alone"
"Dad, my pen has run out","Run after it and catch it then"
"What do you say to a fat artist","Paint thinner"
"Doctor:  Your daughter's adenoids are enlarged and need removing","Me:  So we need to subtractnoids?"
"Dadjoked my mom, made dad proud Watching a show with my dad as my mom walks into the room.  Dad and I are clearly engrossed in the program.   Mom: what are you watching.   Me: TV","Dad: *smiles and nods to me approvingly*"
"Sherlock opens a salon","Sherlock combs"
"How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb","To get to the other side"
"My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure","He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes"
"I opened a can of beer and on the side it said, “Best drunk before July, 2018","” It feels great to be finally recognized for my achievements"
"How does a plumber take off his shoes","He unclogs"
"I'm not scared by bees, but I am deathly afraid of fake bees like wasps and yellowjackets","You might say I have a faux-bee-aahhhh"
"Did you hear about the lion who ate his friends","He had to swallow his pride"
"What did the Russian say when USSR collapsed.   Well then.  So-vi-et","God that was bad"
"If you are bad at spelling, try filling out an application for a blood bank","They don't reject any type-O's"
"Dadjoked twice in 2 minutes.  My mum doesn't like that I'm drawing and designing tattoos for people, so my dad just goes    She's worried you'll get drawn into it all.     Then the next minute he just spouts  A Farmer got a nobel prize, he was outstanding in his field","It's only 8 in the morning"
"COINcidentally found this in my washer today.  took my wife a moment but her sigh was very satisfying.  [Quarter](https://redd","it/4r7ga2)"
"What country do microbiologists like to study in","Germ-any"
"I spotted an albino Dalmatian today","It was the least I could do"
"I saw two rich kids in SUVs in a street race last night","It escaladed quickly"
"A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river","” The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river"
"I'm a historian who studies the American Civil War.  Unfortunately, it's been hard making money at this","So I applied for a General Grant"
"I entered a dad joke competition for a $1000 prize, but I didn't win","A grand dad joke won"
"No wonder my coffee tastes like dirt","It was ground this morning"
"Why will Kim Jong-un never use his nuclear weapons","He's afraid it would cost him his Korea"
"If you break up with your girlfriend over her dental work, dies it mean you are bracist.  Posted this poorly this morning","It may be trash, but I think it is original"
"“Dad, I'm cold","” “Go stand in the corner, I hear it's 90 degrees"
"My girlfriend is a subtle dad.  Me:  Hey can you hand me my laptop.  I need to see if it has any juice in it.    My girlfriend: *hands laptop*  I hope not - or else it probably wouldn't work.    I didn't catch it for a couple seconds","She's a smart one"
"What did the cop molecule say to the suspect molecule","I've got my i-on you"
"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees","Because they are so good at it"
"Why do Swedish war-ships have bar codes on the sides","So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian"
"What do you call two horses in a relationship","A stable relationship 🐎"
"This conversation genuinely just happened.  Back story; the missus is vegetarian, I'm not.  I check everything I buy her because you'd be surprised how many sweets contain cow and pig parts.   Me:  There's a new cake shop up the high street.  It's supported by the vegetarian society.  Here's a flier.    Her:  Oh.  Nice.  Do they deliver.    Me:  no.  No liver, only cake.    Her:  ha ha, you funny fuck.    And, yes; she actually SAID","ha ha"
"What would the Terminator be called in his retirement","The exterminator"
"A recent study shows that global warming reduces terrorism","Because the Isis melting"
"My grandfather recently passed away.  Here is his go-to joke.  Whenever we would all have an extended family dinner, he would always look up with a grin on his face and say  this is the best dinner I've had *all day*.  Every.  Time.    My grandfather was a man a few words","But dang it he was good at making the entire family groan"
"Did you hear the one about the two cellmates","They've been together so long, they're almost finishing each other's sentences"
"How did the fish feel after the eel helped him find his way home","Eel-aided"
"How do hens stay fit","They always egg-cercise"
"This morning. I told my wife:. I think all the snow will go a bit. North-er. Wife:","Are you sure it won’t go *East*er?"
"Question: Is an argument between two vegans still a beef","*copied and pasted directly from a text from my dad"
"Did you hear about the Doctor who kept yelling at his clients","He lost his patients"
"Got hit with this one out of nowhere at the Mother's Day BBQ Bf's dad: Did you know that every can of beans only has two hundred and thirty nine beans.   Me: Oh really.   Bf's dad: Yeah, if there were one more they'd be too farty","Didn't even see that one comin'"
"What shape is most delicious","Barbecubes"
"Why did the farmer win an award","Because he was out standing in his field"
"My sisters ate some blueberry Italian ice.  My dad turned to my mom and said  Your kids are wireless","See, they've got blueteeth"
"I keep my kid tied up in the backyard","Baby goats make way too much of a mess to keep them in the house"
"I don’t think Ringo Starr deserved a knighthood","They must have had a Sir plus this year"
"A man asks a professor,  Do you think Einstein's theory was good.   The professor replies","Relatively"
"Have you ever tried to eat a clock","It's very time consuming"
"Conversation with my daughter this morning, referring to one of her friends My Daughter: Sara is so tall, she must have tall genes","Me: her jeans have to be tall otherwise her ankles would show"
"6:30 is the best time on a clock","hands down"
"My dad pulled this one at lunch today while I was talking about math Me: FLVS is so stupid, it doesn't teach us any of the concepts, none of the properties either  Mom: What do you mean.  What didn't it teach you.   Me: it didn't teach us any of the properties, I don't know anything on the top of my head.   Dad: Hair  Me: What.   Dad: Hair is on the top of your head","Me:"
"Why did the coffee taste like mud","Because it was just ground this morning"
"I wrote an essay about Communism in my history class today","I got full Marx"
"My 5 year old son went out to the kitchen, gets the step stool, and sets it up in the middle of the living room.  I'm sitting here on the couch watching him run back and forth across the room while he makes race car noises.   After a few minutes, I ask him what he's doing.     He replies,  I'm passing stool.","What have I created"
"A coworker was teaching me something she learned in a class about Iran's history over chat Her: Once, a prince tried to overthrow his father, the Shah.  So his father killed all his son's men in front of him, then gouged out his eyes  Me: I guess he.   ( •_•)>⌐■-■   . didn't see that one coming","(⌐■_■)  Her: ಠ_ಠ"
"How do depressed people talk to each other","They use the Morose Code"
"Dad jokes proven to help with menstrual cramps Me: My body is tearing itself apart","My friend: Geez, don't overy-act"
"What kind of tea does a realtor drink","Proper Tea"
"Russian dolls don’t make very good friends","They’re so full of themselves"
"Me: I'm terrified of random letters.  Therapist: you are","Me: [Screams]  Therapist: I see"
"When's the best time to visit the dentist","2:30"
"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts.  Beer nuts are $3","99 and deer nuts are under a buck"
"Have you heard of Murphy's Law.    Yeah, if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.      Right.  Have you heard of Cole's Law.      No, what is it","Thinly sliced cabbage"
"Me: I can't find my keys again.  Her: It's in your jeans","Me: Don't bring my ancestors into this"
"My wife is mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right"
"I bought a musical instrument for my daughter, which cost me $1000","It was a grand piano"
"Tonight we grilled burgers at my parents'.  As we were each prepping our burgers, I noticed these large pickle chips that fit perfectly on a sandwich and commented on how well they work","Everyone nodded in agreement when, from the corner of the room, my dad comments,  They're kind of a big Dill"
"What's the worst vegetable to bring on a boat","a leek"
"Job interview    At a recent job interview I was asked  Can you perform under pressure","I said  Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody"
"Asked my dad what Sweetwater, TX was like Me: What's Sweetwater like","Dad: It tastes good, I guess"
"My wife says she doesn't know who the last man on the moon was","She doesn't know Jack Schmitt"
"Telling mom jokes is better","She laughs more often"
"Do you know my vegetarian girlfriend.  - Do you know my vegetarian girlfriend.  - No, I never heard of  herbivore","My daughter came up with this one, and afaik it's OC"
"Why are Irish people so rich","Because their capital is Dublin"
"What shoes do secret agents wear","Sneakers"
"My Dad went hunting today.  http://imgur","com/WNfkxck"
"My dad got me with this one I had my E-cigarette plugged into my computer to charge","He walks in and asked me if I was installing the latest nicotine patch"
"What do you call a pig with three eyes.  A piiig.   \*Hat tip to my kids for this one","helping me be a better dad every day"
"I once got into an argument with a co-worker, who slammed the door so hard when he left, it broke the latch","Which sucked, because I thought we needed the closure"
"I got one of those high desks for work and threw my chair away","I can't stand sitting"
"I tried looking up synonyms of confusion","But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation"
"Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight","It was well armed"
"What do you give an alligator with problems","Gator aid"
"I signed up for a subscription that texts a dad joke to you everyday","I got one text that said  a dad joke to you everyday  and they are still charging me monthly"
"My wife got mad at me today for not changing a poopy diaper.  I told her,  the box says good for 15-18 lbs","there isn't even 1 lb in there now"
"Geologists aren’t boring","They rock"
"Friend's dad actually said this a few years ago On a hiking trip, our group reached a fork in the path with a short wooden fence in the middle.  My friend's dad took a break and sat on the wooden fence, while the other adults in the group looked at the map to choose which way to go","They couldn't come to a conclusion and asked my friend's dad which way he thinks is better, and he immediately replied,  I don't know guys; I'm on the fence about this one"
"Professor: Okay, Today we will be going over WW1, I'll try to get done with it as quickly as possible","Me: I'm sure that's what the soldiers said too"
"Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early.  Because the sauce","ages"
"My parents only drank Australian beer while I was growing up","I was raised in a Foster family"
"I accused my wife of putting superglue on my biceps","She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns"
"I don't think. I understand. Linkin. Park lyrics anymore","I've become so dumb"
"I just got a haircut.  Someone asked me:  Do you like it.    I replied,  It'll just have to grow on me.    ~~edit: I meant to say that I had a haircut.  Thanks to /u/fluffenstein for getting me out of that hairy situation","~~"
"My father went to. Asia once when. I was very young. The first thing he said when he got back -  Man am","I disoriented."
"My friend's dad wanted to make a short post on Facebook.  http://imgur","com/mISlipZ"
"Why do waiters hate cows","Because cows don't like to tip"
"“Dad, how do stars die","”  “Usually an overdose"
"What's a mortician's favorite game","Formaldehyde and seek"
"The only joke my dad ever told me.  My dad was not a joke teller.   He was funny anecdote kind of guy, and he'd get a laugh by telling you a true story of some crazy thing he did -- usually from his time in the service or a fishing/hunting trip gone awry.   In all the years I knew my dad, I only recall him ever telling one clearly identifiable joke with a set-up and punchline.   It's joke about racism, and my dad told it to me when I -- at age 10 -- asked him  Dad, what's racism.    We were watching TV and someone on the screen had said something about racism, and I didn't really know what that meant.   He got really quiet, poured himself a glass of wine, lit a cigarette, smoked it for a bit, and then finally said  I'll tell you a joke about racism.    Then he told me the joke, and that was it.   Here's my dad's joke about racism:  Four men, a white lawyer, a white doctor, a white scientist and a black engineer, board a plane flying for Chicago from Seattle, but get laid over in Spokane due to a malfunction.  While they're waiting they get to talking, and it turns out one of the white guys is a scientist who studies differences between the races.   One of the other white guys asks him if its true that white people are smarter than black people.   The scientist says there is only one way to answer that and proposes an experiment.  He'll ask everyone a question, and the quality of the answers will demonstrate the intelligence of the different races.   The two white guys look to the black guy, and he shrugs.     So the scientist turns to the white lawyer and asks  What was the greatest disaster in human history.    The lawyer thinks about it for a minute, then says  The sinking of the Titantic.    The scientist nods, saying  A very good answer.    He turns to the white doctor and says  Roughly how many people died on the Titantic.    The doctor thinks about this for a minute, and finally hesitantly answers  About two thousand people.    The scientists nods,  Very close, and an excellent answer.  Now it's time to ask our black friend his question.  Sir, would you please *name* the victims","And that's what racism is"
"What did the group of confused electricians says.  Wire we here","Watt are we doing"
"What do you call a bad Mediterranean restaurant","Falawful"
"Kids,. I’ve been thinking of writing a mystery novel…   Or have","I?!"
"My algebra teacher must've been a stalker","She was always asking us to find her ex"
"The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week","There was no coffin at his funeral"
"The mods here are a joke.  They say that only dad jokes are allowed, but I say otherwise","Otherwise"
"Why didn't the Buddhist Monk vaccuum in the corners","Because he didn't have any attachments"
"I never have enough time on my astrophysics exams","Generally speaking, they go by relatively fast"
"r/dadjokes","Are dad jokes what?"
"Coup in Turkey my dad just called me and said  hey did you hear about this coup in Turkey.   and i said  yeah  and he went  do you think anything will change","and i said  I'm not really sure  and he said  I think Turkey will be the same any way you slice it"
"Ducks fly in a  V  formation.  do you know why one side is longer than the other","Because there's more ducks in that side"
"People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water","must love it unconditionally"
"Why couldn't the man fix his watch","He didn't have the time"
"Do you want the milk in the bag.  When my dad gets milk at the grocery store sometimes the grocery bagger will ask him  do you want the milk in the bag.   he'll say  No thanks, you can just keep it in the jug.  Last time it was really big mess","It gets a laugh about half of the time"
"I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it","I guess you could say I'm low-key"
"My boy and I are DadDevil and the Son-isher http://i. imgur. com/h1pvfzg","jpg"
"My wife was angry that. I spent $500 on a wallet. Told her don’t worry,","I’ll get my money out of it"
"Dadjoked at work by another dad when I dadjoked I'm a salesperson and about twenty minutes ago I had a family in my store interested in some merchandise, but I was stuck on the phone.  Once I got off the phone, I went over to them and said that I apologize.   The mother said,  That's fine, we don't mind the wait.   I put my hands on my belly and  responded with  The weight is something I'm trying to work on, but I'm a bit sensitive about it.     I got a laugh but then explained I just had to get off the phone","The dad replied,  I bet the phone appreciates that, with all that weight"
"What does a person with diarrhoea say","I'm sick and tired of this shit"
"My girlfriend was having a hard time opening her birth control","I told her it’s because it’s child-proof"
"When my wife goes skiing she finds it fun to fall on purpose","She's a strange woman, but that's how she rolls"
"So there was a guy named This.  One day, he packs his bags and leaves","I dont know where This is going"
"Chicken's favourite vegetable","Bok bok choy"
"I just placed two orders with. Amazon; one for a chicken and one for an egg","I’ll let you know"
"How do Tusken Raiders cheat on their taxes","They always single file, to hide their numbers"
"Australians dont reproduce","They mate"
"When I was a kid we had blackboards now you kids use whiteboards","The eracism is getting worse"
"Who is the Chinese President.  No, Xi is","Hu was his predecessor"
"My girlfriend changed a lot since she went vegan","It's like I've never seen herbivore"
"I am sitting in the car with my coworker.  I ask -  what is one of our suppliers up to","He says about 5'8"
"The dad in me is beginning to show up I asked my friend how exactly I might be related to one of my cousins.   Me:  So if my grandmother has a sister who happens to have a granddaughter, is she my second cousin.    Friend:  Yeah.  I believe she is your second cousin   Me:  So that means my children and her children are going to be minute cousins","Friend:"
"My friend yelled at me for always making Backstreet Boys references","I couldn’t understand the reasoning behind her aggression but she seemed to only get angrier when I asked her to tell me why"
"What times your appointment.  Man: Hi.  I have an appointment for 2:45  Worker: Which doctor","Man: No, I want the regular doctor"
"EU has some free space now. To be specific, 1","GB"
"How do get down from an elephant","You don't, you get down from a duck"
"Do you know why I invest in incomplete kitchen utensil sets","For the most part, they're whisk-free"
"Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music.  Man: Yikes.  What’s The Cure.   Doctor: Whoa","It’s worse than I thought"
"Where do cats LOVE to live. in Meow-i","As delivered by my 7 year old son when we got off the plane in Hawaii"
"What do you call a cow sleeping","A bull-dozer (I’m new)"
"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller"
"NEVER invite ghosts to your. Halloween party","They just come for the booos..."
"Dadjoked by my roommate I was looking for a belt that matched my suit coat for a job interview and I ask him if he has a black belt I can borrow","He says,  Nah, I've never really been that good at karate   Touche"
"TIL you can alter your hair color by changing how you eat","All you have to do is *dye it*"
"My girlfriend has been trying to get me to stop eating meat.  Me: I decided to become vegan.   Her: Yeah","Me; The day after  Thanksgiving I went cold turkey"
"Why don’t skeletons go treat or treating","Because they have no-body to go with"
"The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge","That explained the stains next to it"
"What do you call dental photos","Tooth pics"
"My girlfriend made me proud with this one.  We were in a store called poundland, and I dropped some change at the till","She asked  Where did your pound land"
"What do you call a surprise attack by a group of pigs","A hambush"
"Why was the ocean screaming","You would too if you had lobsters on your bottom"
"the auto repair shop down the street from me has a lot of five star reviews","it's highly wreck amended"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up","It was two tired"
"I was feeling a bit of a sore throat at the cafe the other day","Turns out I had ordered coughee"
"Why do mummies never take vacations","They are afraid they'll relax and unwind"
"Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap","There were a lot of casual tees"
"What do you call a fabulous drug","fancyclidine"
"What rock group has four men who don’t sing","Mount Rushmore"
"My friend was found dead under a pile of books","An investigation found he only had his shelf to blame"
"What do you call a bovine you can't see","Invisibull"
"Do you know who is my favourite communist pop artist","Bruno Marx"
"9 out of 10 doctors agree","That 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
"I read a famous actress is very excited to star as a pregnant woman in a motion picture. Personally","I think she's just ovary acting."
"In the next Star Wars movie, it is revealed that Han Solo had two other sons","Their names were Drum and Guitar"
"Context","is for prison libraries"
"After the success of the new Star Wars movie, if Daisy Ridley looks for more money for the next film, and Disney say no","they'll call her Raisy Didley"
"Geography Dad Jokes are the Worst http://imgur. com/hGZ8F72 Take a look at this map of Malawi if you're not an expert in Southern Africa geography.   My Friend and I were looking around google maps just browsing and we stumbled over Malawi.    Me: You know whats the worst thing about going through Malawi.   Him: Dunno, What.   Me: You have to go Lilongwe around","He didn't love it as much as I did"
"Did you hear about the guy who got his doctorate in neutral solutions","He graduated with his Ph7"
"I have a recipe for salmon with mozzarella on top","I call it salmonella"
"Why do orphans like playing tennis","Because it’s the only love they get"
"Some thieves stole 50 crates of. Red. Bull from my local store","I don't know how they sleep at night."
"What do you call an elevator that goes down","A descendor"
"Wife's eyes almost rolled out of her head While eating pizza for my daughter's birthday.   Daughter:  Daddy, I'm 5.  Were you five when you were small like me.  But then you turned six.    Me:  Yes, but then I went to the doctor and got better.    *wife eyes start rolling*  Daughter:  Daddy, I want be eight.    Me: So does that slice of pizza    My wife dropped her slice and buried her face in her hands","I think she was trying to keep her eyes from falling out"
"Dad spilled lotion on his laptop and powercable","Hey son, do you think it will run smoother now"
"Where do bodybuilders go every Sunday to pray","Muscle Mass"
"If sham means something's fake","Then is shampoo bullshit?"
"I hear there's someone stealing coffee from the poor","I don't know how they can sleep at night"
"So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali.  He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce","I had to calm her down and tell her to Pay Alimony"
"Did you hear about the homeopath who died of an overdose","Apparently, he forgot to take his pills"
"Statistics say that R2-D2 is the most vulgar movie character ever","They beeped out everything he said"
"Do you know what a buccaneer is","Too much to pay for corn"
"Out dad joked by my wife.  This one based on the Olympics.  We were watching swimming results.  Me:I've participated in the breast stroke.   Wife:And I've won almost every time","That's where I was headed but she beat me to it"
"I saw two policemen chasing a person who had just stolen a board game of little value","It was a really trivial pursuit"
"So my mom is angry at me because I'm on the computer all day Mom: All you do is sit on the computer","Me: No Mom, I sit on the chair"
"What do you call an underground train full of clever people","A tube of smarties"
"My daughter screeched,  Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you","What a strange way to start a conversation with me"
"The secret service isn’t allowed to say “get down","” Anymore Now they have to say, “Donald, duck"
"I was going to buy a t-shirt for my daughter.  On the label it said  Age: 10-11 years","I thought, no way am I buying her a t-shirt that is that old"
"Have you ever had Jewish coffee","You'd like it, Israeli good"
"A Mexican magician said he would disappear at the count of three.  He said  Uno. dos","Then he disappeared without a tres"
"I enjoy roasting duck in a fire pit","Some might say I enjoy smoking quack"
"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent"
"My son just told me a joke about candy bars. It wasn't that funny, so","I just snickered"
"I wanted to raise my weekly budget, but realized I can't","Because I can't lift more than £50"
"My grandpa got me.  We were in London at Buckingham Palace waiting for the changing of guard.  There were two guards patrolling, and I was pointing out something about the one on the right.  He said  I don't see any deoderant","I was confused until he said  you said to look at the right guard"
"It's a battle in here My wife was reading in bed tonight and I asked her how her book was coming along.   She told me about the 4 different books she's currently bouncing between which take place during the civil war, WWI, WW2 and the Iraq war.   Not wanting to miss an opportunity I immediately set the trap.   Me: So you're reading books with 4 separate wars going on.  Her: Yeah, why do you ask.  Me: Well I feel like lately I've really had to *battle* for your attention","Her: *courtesy laugh* Me: *nailed it"
"What type of dairy cattle do they get milk for Swiss cheese","Holy cow"
"[Xpost from askreddit] 1 shovel 1 grinning dad So someone suggested that I posted this here, not sure if it fits since it happend . but here it is   So I was 10 years old and it was winter ,my mom made me go shovel the snow, 10 minutes later I was finished and walked back inside then my mom went to look and asked me to come back out and actually shovel the snow","Confused I walk out and see that all the snow is still there, so I had to shovel again and before I went inn I asked my mom to come look , she said OK and when I went inside I found my dad with a shit eating grin and a shovel in his hand   I didn't speak with him for an hour"
"What. I if told you","You read the title wrong"
"Stop me if you've heard this one before","Or this one"
"Why don't zombies tell jokes often","Cause they are mostly groaners"
"The Olympics have helped me channel my inner dad.  (You're entering the conversation when it really matters)  Me: Oh nice, so did you spend time watching the Olympics.   Friend: No, I don't really watch the olympics that much actually.   Me: Same here","I only watch it every four years"
"I poured my root beer into a square cup","Now it’s just beer"
"What do you call a fish with no eyes","A fsh"
"A man walks into a bar","And says  ouch"
"Gaston from Beauty and the Beast","Winner of the No-Belle prize"
"So the governor in Arizona just signed a bill that legalizes nunchucks","I guess that's something to shake a stick at"
"I had to break up with my girlfriend.  (nsfw-ish) . after I caught her filming bukkake videos on the side and posting them online","She tried to tell me it wasn't true, but I could see it in her eyes"
"I was taking a shower when my wife walked into the bathroom and asked me if I had a five, so I held an open hand over the curtain rod, waited a couple seconds, and said  Don't leave me hangin'",""
"This Indian restaurant has an interesting business model","It's a naan-profit"
"There was a sign outside the cafe.  It said,  We are looking for a cleaner","Hmm, I wonder where he got to"
"My friends daughter who is 5 got me today She said her and her family where going down to Florida when I said.   WOW that's cool what brings you down there.    When she replied  A plane.","she got me good"
"Trump News Did you hear the news that just broke about Donald Trump.   Apparently, it's been confirmed.   He's bisexual.   No, really.   If he doesn't buy-sex, he doesn't get any.   \[Yeah, I know","It's a phonetic joke that doesn't work well in written form, but it works well when spoken"
"Let me tell you about the time I painted people’s lawns for a living","It wasn’t very fun but I dyed grass"
"I'm 19.  Today I made a dad joke.  I was at a restaurant with my friend, his last name is Chutes.  They asked for a name on his order, and he gave them his last name.  Chutes.  I'm up next, and when asked for a name, my response.  Ladders.     Orders for Chutes and Ladders","The waitress chuckled, I promise"
"What does Miley Cyrus eat on thanksgiving","Twerkey"
"Have you heard that joke about the peach","It’s probably best that you didn’t, it’s pretty pitiful"
"The hottest nightclub in town.  As a chronic dad-joker, I'm always on the lookout for opportunities.   Today, while getting groceries, I saw a cheerful fellow chatting it up with two women.   In passing, I commented on the group's clear enjoyment of each other's company, when he suddenly declared,  I just found out **these two ladies run the hottest nightclub in town. **   I raised my eyebrows and said,  Really.  Maybe they should. install some air conditioning.    ---  I saw myself out.  (Of the shopping aisle","Immediately"
"Why is Jesus rich","Because he saves"
"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels"
"Two fish swim into a concrete wall","The one turns to the other and says,  Dam"
"Why did the opera singer go sailing","They wanted to hit the high Cs"
"What do you call a witch who eats only sand","Malnourished"
"A dog limps into a bar","I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
"I looked up opaque in the dictionary","But the definition is unclear"
"What do you call religious baked bread","Prayertzel"
"Why don't aliens visit our solar system.  Bad ratings","Only 1 star"
"Did you hear about The Pirate Bay’s new privacy protection.  They are GDPARRRRR","Compliant"
"I wanted to dress as a condiment for Halloween","But I couldn't mustard up the courage"
"Why was 2019 afraid of 2020","Because they had a fight and 2021"
"If you ask communists for the time, they'll never tell you the exact minute","If you ask why they'll say:  It's all hours"
"Robin is one of us Apparently Teen Titans is still a thing, because I caught[ this](https://www. youtube. com/watch","feature=player_detailpage&v=Cz9WpuIcUPk#t=23) on TV earlier"
"I got an interview and told them I was proficient in C and C-sharp","Turns out that wasn't good enough to be a pianist"
"Here is a dad joke I shouldn't have said but I laughed for a good 10 minutes.  Wife wasn't impressed.  We're driving through our neighborhood and a guy pulls out quick and wife says  watch out for the guy pulling out.    My 4 year old is at the ask everything stage and says  what's pulling out.   Me  well son, if I did that a little sooner you wouldn't be here  My wife wasn't impressed but it gets better.    So someone in the family recently had a baby and were talking about it and son says  why don't daddies have babies.   We explain and he asks where babies come from.  I chime in as I am getting out of the car  well, now we come back to pulling out .  He was so confused, wife was pissed but I had a good laugh","I think I'll keep it g rated next time"
"Why couldn‘t the toilet paper cross the road","Because it got stuck in a crack"
"Why did the city slicker turn up his nose when he visited the milk farm","He couldn’t stand the smell of the dairy air"
"My dad should not be allowed on Facebook http://imgur","com/gallery/lhcCift"
"I got a Viagra stick in my throat last night","I woke up with a stiff neck"
"I like camouflage jokes","But sometimes I don't see them"
"What did the rug say to the floor","Don't worry man, I got you covered"
"What did the ocean say to the shore","Nothing, it just waved"
"I like anything sour","But Lemons are **sub**limes"
"Just made the perfect toastie http://m. imgur","com/w0DDjEQ"
"Got my best friend today on my birthday Happened over text message: http://imgur. com/fNLRgpZ  Him: Yeah man. I went golfing like for times last summer, I want to go more regularly this year so I don't suck quite so much haha  Me: *fore times.  FTFY  Him: Jesus.  A little early in life to be making dad jokes, don't you think.   Me: I'm not Jesus, I'm Kevin","Him: Goddammit"
"My dad is the king of dad jokes.  My dad and I were moving some furniture for donation out of my grandparents house to get it ready for sale.  We were on the last heaviest item which happened to be an old electronic organ when he laid this one on me.   Dad: I will be glad to be rid of this thing.   Me: Me too.   Dad: I've always wanted to be an organ donor","We both had to set it down and laugh for a good 2 full minutes"
"A Mexican magician tells the audience  I will disappear on the count of 3.   He says,  Uno, dos.   *poof*","And he disappeared without a tres"
"What Cheese is made backwards","Edam"
"I have a chemistry joke for you","It’s sodium funny"
"What kind of bear has no teeth","A gummy bear"
"My pregnant wife She was complaining over text that she misses being able to have wine.   My response","Don't worry when the baby comes we will have plenty of whine"
"I found out why nurses carry red crayons","In case they have to draw blood."
"(XPOST from TIFU, not mine) PSA: Try not to tell so many amazing jokes that you accidentally kill someone.  http://www. reddit","com/r/tifu/comments/2ti69w/tifu_by_taking_my_dad_to_the_supermarket_and/      I read this and figured you guys would like to read this too"
"One turbine asked another,  what sort of music do you like","The other turbine replied,  I'm a big metal fan"
"I'm watching tv with my dad when a Jenny Craig commercial comes on TV: I dropped 40 pounds on Jenny Craig.   Dad: Well, did it kill her","Me: *exasperated eye-roll*"
"Jello has created a product that deters insects","It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding"
"Did you know there’s no official training for a garbage collector","They just pick it up as they go"
"Why did the scarecrow when the. Nobel prize","He was outstanding in his field"
"Got the McDonald's manager good Went and got some food yesterday and happened to have a coupon for a free extra value meal, but the cashier needed a manager's code.  It took like 3 or 4 minutes for her to come up.  After she typed in the code she apologized, explaining that she was in the walk-in freezer.   As she walked away I raised my voice loud enough so she could hear me and said,  Thanks for doing that, you seem really cool","She actually turned around and gave me a little scowly smile like,  that's not funny wait why am I smiling"
"Dad.  Stop.  I had a great date with my girlfriend, and we're leaving the house right as Dad pulls into the driveway.  We just got a new puppy, and I was explaining to him that the puppy wasn't even shy around her.  His response.    Hey, neither were you, eh.    She thought it was cute","I almost died"
"Don’t ever tell a dog about his family tree","They’ll just pee on it"
"How about the guys from the meat industry who were playing poker, betting with product","I hear a cattle rancher came in and really raised the steaks"
"My dad on his recent drinking habits","My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately"
"Why was six afraid of seven","Because seven was a registered six offender"
"Why was the dolphin depressed","Because he felt like he had no porous"
"It's 'weird'","When you misspell 'wired'"
"An Apple A Day Will Keep The Doctor Away","**IF YOU THROW IT HARD ENOUGH"
"[Dad, driving by a graveyard]:  Do you know how many people are dead in there.    No, how many","All of them"
"As a dad-to-be, you guys may often find me looking at the ceiling","Just a head's-up"
"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale"
"What country is situated under the sea","Whales"
"Why are fencers so unpopular on Reddit","All they do is riposte"
"Would you care for a cup of tea","If it told me that it loved me, I might"
"I decided to check my balance at the bank today","Turns out I have an inner ear infection"
"Can I just use your phone quickly","Sure, you can use it slowly too if you like"
"What did the math problem say to the equation before it left","I'll calcu-LATER"
"My 4 y.  was eating a bit of mayonnaise that fell out of her sandwich .  and she goes  Dad, this is mayonazing","I couldn't be more proud :]"
"Dad is a superhero who saves cows.  Why","Because many lives were at steak"
"My son keeps forcing my daughter to play on the Xbox with him","I won't let him controller"
"Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill","Because it ran out of juice"
"taking a shower with my girlfriend I was standing with my back to her, she dropped something and bent down fast, slamming her forehead into my posterior.   Her: I head butted you","GET IT"
"I wanted to get a boob job but. they weren't hiring",":D"
"Purple is my favorite colour","I like it more than blue and red combined"
"What do you call an ugly dinosaur","An eyesaur"
"My white noise machine broke tonight, so I called the manufacturer","They gave me pretty sound advice"
"I usually enjoy my job as a garbage man but lately","I've been down in the dumps."
"I put all my money in the bank once","Then some bloody otters dug it up"
"My girlfriend was sad and I made it worse A couple weeks ago we went to the oddball comedyfest show and after it was over we took the train back to my house.    Had picked up some drinks on the way back and are waiting in the train station.    My girlfriend said  Oh my god this is so depressing that the show is over","I put my Sprite against the wall with some force and held it there and said    No this is soda pressing   Groans"
"Dad joked my fiancé over dinner.  Having dinner with fiancé and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables.  Delicious.    Fiancé sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli","Her:  I can't eat it with irritable bowel   Me:  you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us   Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths"
"You know what was revolutionary","The invention of the wheel"
"A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.  He's been practicing for this role for months.  He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore.  In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.    I'm sorry,  says the director,  but we can't delay an audition for just one performer.  That would set a bad precedent.  Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret.   The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid.   Drink this.  It's a special tea to help your throat.  The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again.    The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig.   *Euch. * This is.  awful.  What's in this tea anyways.     Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with.  well.  fish broth.   The director replies.   Tuna, specifically.  We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried.    Sure enough the man is able to sing again.  He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.   At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea.   So.  what did you think.  Did I get the part or not.   He asks.    I'm sorry,  said the director,  you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else","That's OK,  the man says,  I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea"
"I haven't told any of my friends about my tetris club","I just don't want to build their hopes up"
"I havent slept for 10 days","Because that would be too long."
"A lumberjack walks into a forest.  He begins to chop down a tree.  The tree begins to talk  Tree:Please sir, don't chop me dow","Lumberjack:*finishes chopping* Sorry, did I cut you off"
"I am investing every cent I own into a cannabis-fed cattle business…","The steaks have never been higher"
"My friend said  My patience is running paper thin right now","I said thats tearable"
"Dadjoked my wife while watching a garage sale show.  Wife:   They think slapping a coat of red paint is gonna get $250 for that thing","Me:  Maybe they're gonna try passing it off as a period piece"
"I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why","The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking"
"Why are fish so smart","Because they're always in schools"
"Made the wife groan like a collapsing steel girder Carrying in groceries from the car and my wife had a large bag of ice.  I had one hand free and offered to take something, so she put the bag on my shoulder, to which I replied,  Come on, don't give me the cold shoulder","Her:  ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
"For the birds True story:  Took my stepdad to dinner at Cracker Barrel with my mom and gf on Father's Day.  There was an advertisement on our table for a birdbath they were selling in the store part of the restaurant.    Mom (seeing that it was $49. 95):  I wonder how big that birdbath is.    Gf:  I think it's about this big  (holds arms in a circle indicating about 18 inches around)  Mom:  That's actually not a bad deal   Stepdad:  Well, yeah, but where are the birds gonna get fifty bucks","o"
"Two windmills are in a field.  One windmill says to the other,  What type of music do you like","The other windmill replies,  Well I'm a big metal fan"
"Why don’t you see Elephants hiding in trees","Because they’re good at it"
"I recently changed all the labels on my wife's spice rack.    Did she notice yet","No but the thyme is cumin"
"I had been telling dad jokes to my friends all evening and decided to finish off with one big finale.  Here's my favorite part  https://imgur","com/a/4ZLAw"
"The number Seven is odd","The only way to make it even is to kick its S"
"If a. Star. Wars. Droid gets mad at you. Is he","C3PO'd?"
"Research suggests that nosy people eat more peppers than average","This explains why they're jalapeño business"
"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup","Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pee soup"
"My 9 year old today.  My 9 year old asked me today:  _Daddy what one ocean said to the other.  _No idea honey, what.  _Nothing, they just WAVED",""
"How does a Chinese cowboy say hello","Nî hâowdy"
"I asked my. Muslim friend how he got home from school","He said  Iran"
"Do you know what the word  hypothetically  means","No, but I can imagine a situation in which I might"
"I seriously have to stop dropping things","It’s really getting out of hand"
"I heard someone ask about. Cuba. My dad responded with everyone there is","Havana good time."
"I saw a sign while driving.  It said: Bus lane is in operation","Hopefully it comes out alive"
"My wife asked me if her dress made her look fat","I said no but the beerbelly does"
"How do percussionists catch fish","They castanet"
"Why are skeletons so calm","Because nothing gets under their skin"
"The Chinese Empire Niu Hong seduced, married, and killed 3 Chinese generals, Tai, Sing, and Li, by discovering their fantasies and playing into these.  She would then keep their last names in order to improve her prestige.   So when I'm asked  How did the Chinese empire collapse.   I respond  N","Tai\-Sing\-Li"
"They’re demoting me from food server to host starting Monday","I can’t wait"
"Why can't dinosaurs clap","Because they are extinct"
"I hired a babysitter the other day who pretends to be an owl","Called her a hootin' nanny"
"My wife bet me I couldn’t make a good joke on this thread [She lost](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/auohdh/a_good_joke/","st=JSL2DBAA&sh=a7e795e4)"
"If you're American outside of a bathroom, what are you inside of it","European"
"What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe","Roberto"
"Ice maker randomly started making ice again (long story).  Wife was pleased and called it a nice surprise","No,  I corrected her,  it's an ice surprise"
"What did the baby come say to mama corn","Where's pop corn"
"Waiter: Here’s some bread.  It is complimentary.  You: That’s great","Hey bread, tell my wife how beautiful she looks"
"What’s the difference between a dirty transit stop and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean"
"Dad, have you ever donated blood.  Son: Dad, have you ever donated blood.   Dad: Ye, years ago  Son: What was it like.   Dad: Well","It was very draining"
"What do you call a bear stuck in the rain.  A DRIZZLY BEAR","*laughs myself to death*"
"My Dad told this one on vacation Dad  Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid.    Sisters Bf:  Oh yeah, all the time.    Dad:  Oh really","Man, he always asked me but I just kept telling him no"
"When my kids are grounded I read them jokes from this sub","I think it's an effective form of pun-ishment"
"Dad at a funeral Dad approaches a Widow.   Dad:  Do you mind if I say a word.    Widow:  Please do.    Dad:  Plethora   Widow:  Thank you","That means a lot"
"If you run in front of a car you'll get tired","But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted"
"Dad joked my coworker today (maths teacher) A coworker of mine was discussing an interesting problem that involved a complex graph.   He showed me [this graph](http://i. imgur. com/RmCqCYS. jpg. 2499) on the computer but then I said I couldn't see it.   He then said  Is [this](http://i. imgur. com/jG59skL. jpg. 2265) better.    to which I replied  Ahh. the plot thickens","He walked away without saying a word"
"I had a dream. I was a muffler last night","Woke up exhausted"
"I'm at the hospital with my dad and my sister My sister is sick and can't stop vomiting.  The nurse is asking a series of questions and one of them was if she is an organ donor.   After an awkward pause after my sister answers yes, because she continues to vomit, my dad then asks my sister  have you donated any organs yet","My sister laughs while vomiting"
"Here is your grande latte, sir.    Thanks a latte.  Have a grande.    Thanks a lot(e)","Have a grand day"
"The tailor told his wife he needed a new tux for their daughter's wedding","Suit yourself,  she said"
"Out dad'd by my dad. (true story via cellphone) * Me: Hello sir  * Dad: Howdy - in the bathroom at the moment","* Me:Well hope everything comes out okay * Dad: Paperwork completed"
"My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred","I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements"
"I went to the zoo yesterday and can you believe, I saw eight large baguettes in a cage","The zoo keeper told me they were bread in captivity"
"What is Hitler's favorite letter","Not Z"
"Was babysitting.  when the baby started crying on my little brother. I looked to him and said  God, I can not stand babies when they cry","He replied with  Well they can't stand themselves"
"I heard the best joke from a goat","I kid you not"
"I saw a girl with a Triangle tattoo","I asked if she played it or if it was  cymbal-ic"
"So my girlfriend wanted a watch featuring the DC Comics character Flash.  I said,  Do you know what the issue with Flash watches is.     What.   she asked","They always run fast"
"My name is Nick.  My dad told me this all the time growing up You'll never be penniless, but you'll always be Nicholas","god dammit"
"I come from a family of failed magicians","I've got two half sisters"
"The last thing my grandfather told me was “It is worth spending money on good speakers. ” That was","sound advice"
"I aced my test on my knowledge of cheese","It was a brie-ze"
"I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey","but since then, I've really turned myself around"
"What do you call a person who tells dad jokes, but is not a father","A faux pa"
"Got a defetead sigh from my son and a nod of approval from a fellow dad.  Was waiting in line at the consession stands to buy popcorn and a drink.   Me,  What do you want son.     Son,  Can I get a large popcorn and an raspberry Icee","Me in a very contemplative tone,  You want an Icee, hmm, I see"
"My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals. ” I answered “Why would you think that","”  He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”"
"I always write sad music with my guitar","I guess that's why the call it a fretboard"
"My uncle, aunt, dad and I were in the car talking about our house back home My dad:  We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch.   My uncle:  So I guess they're low-drangeas now","I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily"
"Did you know the first french fries weren't cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece"
"Who does everyone in r/dad jokes secretly hope wins the French election","Marine Le Pun"
"Girlfriend got me good. We were talking about her weird neighbors, as she was watching them drive by slowly. Me: they're just weird because they're. Russian. Her: they're not","Russian they're slow"
"What do you call a fast escalator","An escasooner"
"Why was the scrotum sent to a mental hospital","It was a nutcase"
"Why can’t you run in a campground","You can only ran because it’s “past tents”"
"What do you call laughing shoes","Snickers"
"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter"
"My work has a new fragrance policy","I'd better read it, I don't want to be scent home"
"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it leaves you and never comes back"
"What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe","Roberto"
"A ham sandwich walked in to a bar and ordered a drink","The bar tender said  I'm sorry, we don't serve food here"
"So this happened in bed last night.  My wife came to bed, and as she got into the bed, she rolled over onto my hand","She looked at me and said,  > Looks like your hand is trapped under my boob   to which I replied,   > Looks like my hand has been booby-trapped"
"Where does the President keep his armies","In his sleevies"
"How did the man feel after his vasectomy.  He didn't notice a vas deferens","Crossposted to /r/childfree   Sorry that this is technically a non-dad joke"
"Public toilets have it rough","It really is a tankless job"
"Justin Timberlake admitted to being dyslexic","Take a moment to let that N’Sync"
"7 dwarfs all the 7 dwarfs were having a bath together but they all started to feel sleepy","so he got out"
"My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.  We went and had some drinks.  Cool guy","He wants to be a web developer"
"Whenever. I go golfing. I always bring extra socks. In case","I get a hole in one"
"My girlfriend was looking at apartments on her phone.  she finds one that she likes and says  look this one comes with a free gym  to which I respond  Do you have to provide him with a bed and food.    Silence","Glares and silence"
"I phoned in sick to work for the 5th time this week to tell them I'm flat out on my back","They told me to stop lying"
"A teenage girl asked her dad why he was sucking in his stomach while weighing himself.  “That won’t help,” she pointed out.   “Yes it will,” he replied","“That’s the only way I can see the numbers"
"Where is the capital of Pennsylvania","At the beginning"
"The Original Dad Joke Me:  I'm hungry.   Dad:  Hi, Hungry.  I'm Cliff","Why don't you drop over some time"
"My wife told me that I have a dad bod I disagree","I clearly have a father figure"
"Don’t be afraid of bees","If you beehive, they beehive"
"It was raining cats and dogs yesterday","I was gonna go for a walk but I didn't wanna step in a poodle"
"What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments","An Orca-stra"
"My baggage was lost on a layover in. Helsinki. Guess it must have disappeared into","FinnAir"
"Holy I got dadjoked non stop today by a coworker.  So I was setting up a car show and there is this gruff looking dude who works with us.  I only see him once a year because this is a side job.   I cannot make him laugh.  Generally speaking everyone on the crew is good with each other and we all laugh together, but he is often quiet and scary.   Today for some reason, this man just spat out dadjoke after dadjoke.    Damnit I lost my knife, have you guys seen it.    Cyrus (the dadjoking coworker) says,  I know where it is.     Where.     . Right where you left it.    *groooooan*  Then another.    I bought the Milwaukee boombox, it has great quality sound and is super loud.    Cue fucking Cyrus with his bullshit dadjokes,  Is it loud.  I can't hear it.    UGH.  Then lastly.    I'm hungry.     Hi hungry, I'm Cyrus","Jeez it was left right and center today"
"What does a grammatically-correct, upside-down owl inquire","¿WOHM ¿WOHM"
"I got this new chapstick today","It's the balm"
"What's brown and sticky","A stick"
"What did the german bread say to his friend","Gluten morgen"
"We all know Dads are afraid of vowels","because with just one E, they're deads"
"Why was the baby strawberry crying","Because his parents were in a jam"
"You know the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean","I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my face"
"I fondly remember my college buddies who were with me during my darkest times","They didn’t pay their electric bills either"
"The drummer for Boston died this weekend.  I guess his heart problems were","More than a feeling"
"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie"
"Me:  Honey, have you seen my sweater","Wife:  I think you left it in the cardigan"
"When Thor throws Mjolnir, what does it become","Mjolfar"
"Why do norwigan boats have barcodes on the side","Sp when they arive in port they can scandinavian"
"What's blue and sits on a toilet.  A police man doing his duty (doodie)","Joke courtesy of my Pepere (RIP)"
"Three Unwritten Rules Of Life 1.   2","3"
"Daughter: Can I have some watermelon","Me: Of course you can have some water, but my name's not Melon"
"What car backstabs the most","A Mitsubitchy"
"What do you call an actor who gets rabies","Will Feral"
"Why did the. T-Rex only go to the gym once. Because he was","DINO-SORE."
"First time my father has made me laugh in a long time.  Little background for this first.  I am 22 so most of the jokes my dad says are just things that make me blow a little air out of my nose.    Anyways, the other night my brother got into a fight at his high school football game.  He ended up getting kicked in the side of the head after slipping in the mud and falling over.  (Bitch move from the other kid) So my brother goes to the hospital with a major concussion and all that jazz.    Two days later he has to go to the police station to get processed and get a court date.  My brother is in the shower and my dad and I are watching television in the next room over.  We hear a loud bang of a shampoo bottle fall to the ground and my dad yells","You're gunna want to get all that out of your system now or else you are going to have a really tough time in jail"
"What is an asian’s favorite body part","Japa-knees"
"What’s a pirate’s favourite plant-based sugary drink","Nect-arrr"
"Officer: Pull over.  Me: it's actually a cardigan","Officer: you're free to go"
"My dad today.   What did the pothead say to his Fiancé","Marriage you wanna"
"What's the leading cause of dry skin","Towels"
"My wife asked me to give her a ring for her birthday. So","I called her to wish her happy birthday"
"What does Buzz Lightyear take for allergies","Zurgtec"
"Do you know about the baker family","They were inbred"
"Has anyone seen my joke.  I'm sure it was a round here somewhere.  [Found it. ](https://imgur","com/cHCJBAM)"
"The person who discovered Pi was divorced by his wife Edith because of his obsession with math","Goes to show that you can’t have your Pi and Edith too"
"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana"
"Did anyone see where the dead body went","Yeah, it's over there - in the coroner"
"If you spank Dwayne Johnson","You have really hit Rock bottom"
"My boyfriend's dad said this while watching football this morning.  Where do you keep your Buccaneers.    Under your Buccanhat.    I thought about it while his wife looked at me and said don't laugh","I ended up laughing while he giggled mischievously saying  that's a damn good dad joke"
"1: Knock knock 2: Who's there.   1: Who.   2: Who who.   1: You sound like an owl","2: -_-"
"I don't let my kids watch music shows on TV","There's too much sax and violins"
"My 9 year old daughter is following in my footsteps I was telling my girlfriend her new pillowcases she bought were uncomfortable and she said they shouldn't be they're Egyptian cotton and my daughter said why have you got Egyptian Cotton","is it because you're a Mummy **howls with laughter at her own joke**"
"Someone asked me to rate this galaxy","I said “one star”"
"Kids these days with ADHD don’t know how good they have it","Back in my day we had to watch our AD in 480i"
"Scientists claim to have perfected a  Harry Potter  style invisibility cloak","But the results have yet to be seen"
"What do you call a dromodary hidden in the desert","Camel-flage"
"Why did the dad tell the joke","To get to the other sigh"
"My dad was husking corn.  He was surprised at how large the kernels were.   These kernels are large","So large in fact, that they're major"
"How are clogs made.  Wooden shoe like to know","(Credit: my dad, actually)"
"Me: I'm scared of growing my apple tree","Friend: Grow a pear"
"The misses is on a fast track to dad jokes.  My fiancee knocked on to the floor at a friends house, a single slice cake we had got from Smith's; comes packaged in a small, square plastic container, and was still in the container when it hit the carpet.  I still proceeded to give her a hard time saying she did it on purpose, etc.  As she reached over to pick it up she accidentally dipped her shirt on to the top of a caramel covered brownie she was eating.  She sat back up and noticed the caramel circle covering the nipple of her shirt, and without second thought cries,  Aww man, caramel's a bitch",""
"There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath.    After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere.  The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there.  The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple.  From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.   Many years passed by like that.   At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.   With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:  -	Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon.  - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude.  However, the priest was curious.  He asked:  -	Son, why do you need this half of a lemon.  - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.   A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard.  The man said:  -	Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon.  - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request.  Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon.  Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:  -	Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon.  - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him.  He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted.  He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio.  It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday.  The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon.  He received these words from the man:  -	Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon.   -	Don’t mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for.  - by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind.  They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river.  The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side.  The priest didn’t follow because he couldn’t swim.  He was annoyed when he got home.  He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km’s away.  He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again.  On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man:  -	Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon.  - the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger:  -	Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it.  - the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following.  Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him.  He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail.  They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine.  The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground.  He was cursing everything as he walked back home.  The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely.  The priest didn’t care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting.  On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock.  In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance.  The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up.  In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard.   -	Priest, please be good.  - the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked:  -	Son, why do you need it for God’s sake.  - the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him.  They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up.  The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine.  The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine.  Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across.  There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages.  The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow.  He was furious but he went home.  He spent every day at the village’s locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock.  On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man.  He was there on time.   -	Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon.   -	There you go, son - handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger’s arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked:  -	But what do you need it for.  - panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest’s hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind.  Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest’s face.  Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools.  In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open.  Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest’s fierce and triumphant look.  The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked:  -	Son.  You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks.  I’m very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it.   -	All right, priest .  - came the answer in a trembling tone - I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone","The priest was good, and never told anyone"
"My doctor told me to drink two bottles of red wine after a hot bath","But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath"
"My daughter was mad that no one upvoted her reddit post","It took a while to karma down"
"Why do plants hate math","Because it gives them square roots"
"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb","Two, if they fit"
"I deleted all of the German contacts from my phone.  Now it's Hans free","My dad told this one the other day"
"My brother just dad joked our dad with one I've never heard My dad yelled down into the basement where we are watching the Bruins-Canadiens game.   Dad: Hey, are my slippers down there.  If they are, can you throw them up.   My brother: Sure, but that'll require me to eat them first","It made me chuckle"
"I have CDO.  It’s like OCD.  But the letters are in alphabetical order","As they should be"
"Today in. Wal-Mart, my dad picked up a package of. Hostess","Snowballs  Somewhere, a snowman is singing soprano..."
"Why are eye jokes worse than other jokes","They're cornea"
"Why did the moon skip dessert.  Because it was full","Courtesy of my 7yo"
"What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup","Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pee soup"
"A train just went by here, wanna know how I know","It left its tracks"
"Is  buttcheeks  one word","Or should I spread them apart"
"Why did the clock get sent to the principals office","During class it would stop tocking"
"I don't always tell dad jokes but when","I do, he laughs."
"I heard Optimus Prime is writing a book.  It's an Autobotography.   My kids didn't think it was funny","Thought you guys might get a good groan out of it"
"My caps lock is broken","Now I can't get at any of my hats"
"My dad on the SpaceX rocket landing We were watching the live stream of the landing, just as it touched down and the crowd went crazy.   My dad:  That crowd is really excited.  It's almost like they scored a touch-down","Me: *sigh*"
"How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.  It all depends","Are you going to see it later, or after a while"
"I bet jellyfish are sad","That there are no peanubutterfish."
"Why did the man fall off his bicycle","Because someone threw a fridge at him"
"What do you call an indecisive body of water","Well"
"My wife said she doesn't think we can afford the protein for me to bulk","I told her we'll just have to find a whey"
"What's a cats favourite song","Careless whispurrr"
"What do you call a narwhal that won’t listen.  An ignarwhal.    Just told this one to my 6 year old daughter.  complete crack up","Enjoy it while it lasts"
"How does the LGBT community bid farewell","Bi"
"I asked my wife if we had any bread.  She said,  yes we have naan","I replied,  so, we don't have any bread"
"I dad-joked my boss last night We drove past the Umpaqua bank before heading back to the hotel and he points out,  Boss:  Oh look, it's the oompaloompa bank","Me:  Yeah, but I hear they only hand out tiny bills"
"What type of bees produce milk","Boobies"
"The judge didn't laugh.  I'm a lawyer who clerks for a judge.  We had a long, tedious day of jury selection, a process known as voir dire (pronounced vwar-deer).  After 6 hours of work, I looked at him and said  after this voir dire, I could sure use a voir beer","Crickets"
"Working out is like a drug to me","I don’t do drugs"
"I saw a man working on an elevator today","His day must be full of ups and downs"
"What is the cheapest meat.  Deer balls","There always under a buck"
"The body builder opened the cupboard, astonished at the lack of protein powder he said","No whey"
"6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9","Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day"
"My wife gets angry at me for telling her dad jokes","So now I tell them to her mum"
"Upgrading to the latest version of Microsoft Office can cure your depression","It really improves your Outlook"
"Did you get a haircut.  No, I cut them all","My dad seriously pulled this on me the other day"
"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye maty"
"Why did Hans get beaten when people around him were happy","Because, if you're happy and you know it clap your Hans"
"Me:  Dad, am I adopted","Dad:   Not yet, we're still trying to find somebody who wants you"
"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night","I should have put it on aloha setting"
"Did you hear about the pachyderm who loved playing sultry jazz","Went by the name of “Elephants Gerald”"
"Dad walking into bookstore.   Do you have any books on Turtles.   Worker:  Hardback","Dad:  Yeah, with little heads"
"When I stopped shaving, I didn't like my beard at first","But now it's growing on me"
"What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters","Short"
"A few birds were sitting in the sun in our backyard, and my cat was desperate to catch and eat them","He loves basking robins"
"What do you call it when a Tesla crashes and wraps itself around a telephone pole","A Tesla Coil"
"The HVAC worker had trouble at work","They had to get their ducts in a row"
"My new girlfriend works with bees","I think she’s a keeper"
"A classic When is a door not a door","When it's ajar"
"Got dadjoked in the car.  I'm going to main event with my friends.     Mom: Don't spend your money on gadgets or do-dads to waste it.    Dad: What about do-mums","Mom: *chokes on gum*"
"I'm so glad for nipples","Without them boobs would be pointless"
"I keep asking iris why some people have dyslexia, but she won't answer","Maybe my iPhone is just broken"
"How I dad-joke people with my keys Sometimes I take my keys out and turn them against someone's shoulder.     After a minute they ask me what I'm doing","Does this turn you on"
"What do you call it when worms take over the world","Global Worming"
"I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests.  So I put one on so I could said “vest day ever” like a million times","Then I took it off just so I could say I wasn’t as invested as they were"
"Why do fish always sing off key","Cause you can't tuna fish"
"I called my dad to tell him that I'd run over a bird with my car","Wow,  he said,  You must have been flying"
"My physics teacher hates me.  -Tomorrow we are finished with uncertainty and we will move on to the next topic","-Are you certain about that"
"Why is there no new guy at the animal doctor’s office","Because they’re all vets"
"What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu","One prescribes tweetment and the other prescribes oinkment"
"Why do significant people tend to be fat","Because the more mass they have, the more they matter"
"So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God","Does that mean Mary had a little lamb"
"Donating a kidney makes you somebody's hero","Donating 5 makes you a suspect"
"I don’t trust stairs;","They’re always up to something."
"(Question/advice) Subway accidentally gave me the wrong sandwich in the drive thru, how do I go about getting a refund without my receipt.  Damn","Wrong sub again"
"To the person that stole my. Microsoft. Office license,. I will find you. You have my","Word."
"They say be there or be square","Because if you aren’t there, you aren’t a round."
"I was getting a rabbit trap off the top shelf in my garage when it fell on my head","It got caught in my hair"
"Got the couple that came to my home showing today I'm selling my ranch style home and a couple came for a showing today.   Me: so do you like the house.    Husband: yes we like having everything on the same level.    Me: easy, medium, or hard.    Couple: momentary puzzled looks followed by simultaneous eye rolls","Me: ear to ear shit grin"
"Hey, you dressed in the apron, here's some dough","You look like you knead it"
"Why don't trees like romantic comedies","Because they are too sappy"
"My daughter (2. 5yo) My daughter and I just a few minutes ago.  It was adorable, needless to say.   >Me: *What do you wanna watch, horseys (MLP) or Elmo World (Sesame Street actually). *  >uh-huh  >Elmo World or horseys.   >uh-huh  >Elmo World.   >uh-huh  >or horseys.   >uh-huh  >Kiddo, you can only choose one.   >One","^*holds ^up ^one ^finger*"
"Why did the bike fall over","Because it was two tired"
"Three vampires walk into a bar","The first one says “I’ll have a pint of blood”  The second says “I’ll have one too”  The third says “I’ll have a pint of plasma”  The bartender says “So that’ll be two bloods and a blood lite"
"This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis After lunch, walking back to the office with two of my colleagues.  One of them is carrying a lemon.  The other one asks him:  Do you want me to help you with that lemon.  So I could be your lemonaide   *sigh*","Now guess which of the two is a dad"
"The. French government have announced they will no longer be exporting any goods produced in the. South-East region of the country. This is why we can't have","Nice things"
"Familiarity Breeds Contempt My friend's family has a dog named Sugar.   Her dad answered the door and I walked inside.  Me:  Hey Sugar","Her Dad:  Don't call me Sugar, I don't know you that well"
"Where do sheep get their haircut","At the baa-baa shop"
"At a family dinner for Thanksgiving (Canada), everyone is firing off their best potato puns.  I pipe up with  Please, you guys, stop.  If you keep this up, I'm going to die of Tuber-culosis.    The entire table emitted a collective groan at me, and one of my cousins just shook his head at me","No one made a potato pun again that night"
"Made my wife and kids cringe during a road trip.  Kids were discussing animals.  Someone mentioned gnus (wildebeests), how they have horse tails and buffalo horns.  I told them I'm not even sure if they are real or not.   Really.  You don't know if gnus are real or not.   Says the oldest in a skeptic tone.    That's right","I'm an agnustic"
"Defending a tree","Isn't that treeson"
"What did the chemist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium","HeHe"
"I nearly got into a fight with a guy at the transplant ward.   Do you want a piece of me","I asked him"
"At first. I didn't like having a beard","But then it grew on me."
"My dad's old standby. It doesn't matter whether you're. African,. American, or. Asian. In the bathroom,","European"
"I hate when my wife says  Are you even listening to me","Such a random way to start a conversation"
"They say life's all about making the little things count so","I'm going to teach math to midgets."
"Telling dad about 4chan.   Wow","Whoever came up with that must be making a 4chan"
"At work today.  I was talking to a coworker about my upcoming ACL surgery.   I told him I wouldn't be able to drive for a long time because its my right knee","He responded,  Its a shame it isn't your left knee, then you'd be all right"
"My dad asked if we wanted to see a picture of his pride and joy [x-post /r/funny] He took this out of his wallet.  Apparently he's been caring it around since the 80s: http://imgur. com/ri2NcWR","Making dad jokes before he was even a dad"
"You shouldn't play Pokemon in the shower","Somebody might catch a Pikachu"
"So, we're driving cross country on the way to my brother's wedding.  And we were getting close to a rest area so I asked the kids in the backseat  do you need to use the bathroom","Speak now or forever hold your pee"
"I’m looking forward to the new. Hell’s. Kitchen pasta episode. A real","Al dente’s inferno"
"How long does a torn ACL take to heal","It just knees a little time"
"you know I actually went to Harvard university","but i only made it about 50 feet onto campus before they kicked me off for “trespassing”"
"What did the farmer say when his cows got out","I take a **fence** to that"
"My dad comes in from mowing the lawn DAD:  Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn    ME:  Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there.     DAD:  Go look at the lawn  *wink*       He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern","The circumferences that man will go for a joke"
"I slid my dad the mail","He said I was really pushing the envelope"
"This sub in a nutshell.  http://imgur","com/9E6GUv9"
"A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.  The bar tender asked,  do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants","And the pirate said,  arrr it's driving me nuts"
"Legal monopoly  Hey, what's the only company that has had a legal monopoly for years.","That's imp-    Hasbro"
"I'm thinking of removing my spine","It's only holding me back."
"What do Mexicans think of Trumps new wall","They'll get over it"
"What do you call a constipated detective. No shit","Sherlock"
"Dad, do ants have antennas.  Of course they do.  How else would they listen to the radio.   (Actual question and answer with my daughter earlier this week.  I got the eye roll","Mission accomplished"
"What’s and Army general’s favorite day of the year.  MARCH FOURTH","Happy March 4th everyone"
"Why do dentists call them  Dental x-rays  when they could just call them","Tooth pics"
"Sister in Law's Dad got us good.  Snow storm coming soon.  SiL:  What should I get at the food store in case the power goes out.    Dad:  Power Bars","Without skipping a beat"
"What car can’t read street signs","Dyslexus"
"Living on Earth is expensive","But at least everyone one gets a free trip around the sun once a year"
"Well, I got my vaccine today but the nurse put it in the top of my leg","Pfizer killing me now"
"What do you call a bad party gift from a mexican guy","A por favor"
"What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an anthill.  Dead ant.  Dead ant.  Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant","Dead aaaaaaaaaaaant"
"I'm considering getting my steak bloody","it's a rare treat"
"Every time I put my car on reverse, I look at my family and say Ahhhh","This takes me back"
"How would you like your steak","On a plate is fine, thanks"
"Did you hear the bad news about the Sylvester Stallone marathon","It got off to a Rocky start"
"I got a letter saying I had to pay an overdue exorcist bill","They said if I didn't, my house would be repossessed"
"Dogs can’t operate MRI machines","but cats can"
"I made a belt out of a bunch of watches,","But my friends told me it was a waist of time"
"Dad jokes","And then he laughs"
"I dadjoked a customer today **Me:**  Can I get anything else for you today.    **Him:**  No, this is me.   (Points to the jar he picked up)  **Me:**  Oh, sorry sir","**Me (to the jar):**  Can I get anything else for you today"
"What did the parents say when the police enquired about their child burning down a building","Yes that is arson"
"Did you hear about the Punjabi polymath who makes flatbread for a living","He's a jack of all trades, master of naan"
"Feel sorry for gay people using. Google maps","In roundabouts they are told to continue straight..."
"What do u call a dwarf who talks to the dead and is wanted by the police","A small medium at large"
"What did the cake say to the fork","You want a piece of me"
"Got my wife REALLY good We're in the process of packing up our house to move to a new one.  So we have a ton of boxes from Home Depot on the side that are labeled  Home Depot moving boxes .   So she looks and says  I know you're supposed to use these really small boxes for books.  But what are you supposed to use these really big ones for.    My response:  Well, it says on the side they're used for moving","She looked like she wanted to throttle me"
"Found on twitter.  http://imgur","com/nfmXzTE"
"My boss just asked if I wanted to hear a corny joke","I reply: C'mon, I bet its a-maize-ing"
"I wish I was ugly for a day","Because being ugly every day is killing me"
"Airport Joke from my dad Background: We have a dog named Jack.   Dad: Hi Jack.   Dad: Wouldn't be able to take him through an airport.    Dad: They'd tackle me every time I said Hi to jack.   Dad: Hi jack.  *looking at me*","We both chuckle"
"Why don't Swedish people need to worry about security in marine events","Because they scan the navy in"
"Dad Buys Drill Bits (at the hardware store)  Dad:  Hey, look.  Boring Drill bits.    Me:  Cool, I have a set in my dorm   Dad: (calls over employee)  Excuse me 'mam.  I see you have boring drill bits","Me: (oh god, here it comes)  Dad: Do you have any interesting drill bits"
"Foot Injury Think I got plantar fascitis while playing basketball, so I had to call up the orthopaedic doctor to set up an appointment.   Nurse:  You can just go to our Walk-In Clinic if you want to be seen today.    Me:  Walk-In Clinic.  Isn't it more of a Hobble-In Clinic","Nurse:"
"What do you call a word that's written in reverse","Backwords"
"Where do archers prefer to shop","At Target"
"President John Tyler may have been the father of the Dad Joke **Some Background Info**  On March 4, 1841, William Henry Harrison became the 9th President of the United States, with John Tyler as his VP.   Exactly one month later, Harrison died, leaving Tyler as the 10th President of the United States.  Tyler was elected as a Whig, but chose many Democrats to work in his administration, and often made decisions in the Democratic favor.   This made the Whig party angry, and while the Democrats liked some of his actions, they didn't *love* him.   At the end of his presidency, the Whigs were not going to support reelection efforts, and the democrats just liked other people more.   This earned him the nickname,  The President Without A Party.      **The Dad Joke**   At the very end of his presidency, Mrs.  First Lady wanted to have celebration.   She invited lots of people over, and they all had a good time on Tyler's lawn.   Tyler stood on his balcony, looking over all the people have a joyous time when he announced, ** Never again can anybody say that I was a president without a party","** and giggled his way into retirement"
"I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up","Too much paperwork"
"Happened to a coworker today.  I work in a post office and a guy comes in and brings a mailing to my co-workers desk.  When the transaction is finished and paid by a check, she prints a receipt and notices she dropped something but unsure what it is at first.   Oh, it's just the check  and picks it up.    To which the guy snapped back,  Oh no.  Did it bounce","I just stood back in awe"
"Did you hear about the failed bra business","There was a lack of good customer support"
"What's the Mexican Netflix & Chill","Netflix Enchilada"
"Me (to saw): Did you cut this board.  Saw: Dunno","I Mitre"
"I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion","All the ghosts booed at me."
"Dad jokes are better than Mom jokes","The reason Y is in the genes"
"My parents are in Italy, and I just received a text from my dad.   My phone has been on roam all week","I think that's hilarious"
"If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer","…oh wait, he does"
"How do i look.  My sister asked my dad how she looked","He replied  With your eyes"
"The us navy should commission a new ship and name it  R  The USS-R  Imagine the Russian navy getting intercepted by it;   Sir, the USS-R is behind us","Yes, comrade, but a strong Russia is still in our future"
"What do you call a dinosaur that drives too fast.  (punned my 5 year old, hard) A velocity raptor.   What happens when he loses control","He T-Rex"
"I'm a bus driver who's a part-time magician and my most popular trick is when. I slam on the breaks","People fall over for it."
"What kind of day ends with no toilet paper","A bidet"
"So today I asked my dad what his favourite Pokémon is.  His reply was  lowfat   I was curious to what the hell he was on about until he showed me.  Butterfree Edit: front page holy shit thank you guys","Second time I've been up here wow"
"Listening to someone talking about their math teacher.   He's really good but he goes off on too many tangents.     Me:  I think tangents are pretty important to calculus, you know",""
"My wife was complaining about how. I overcooked the last chicken breast we had","Tough titties."
"What does the Panda chef use","A pan, duh"
"Laundry detergent.  My dad and I are walking through the basement when he notices the Tide sitting on the floor.   He stops and spins it 180 degrees","This is how you turn the Tide"
"My sister is a single mom, so her dad joke game is strong sometimes After dinner, this conversation happened:  Sister: Hey, you want to watch a movie.   Me: Sure  Sister: Ok, which one.   Me: You pick  Sister: Ok","I've never seen that one  *sigh*"
"What did the fish say when it hit a wall","dam"
"Star Signs The Doctor walks in,  Patient: Hey doc, whats the news.   Doctor: I was wondering what's your star sign.   Patient: Cancer, why","Doctor: Funny that"
"I can't believe","I'm saying this this 😱"
"I love it when. I restock the battery drawer","It just feels nice to have all this power."
"I can't stand the third letter of the alphabet","I'm so c sick"
"What does a dog want to be when it grows up","A Rufferree"
"Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or even hoes before bros.  There needs to be a balance","A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will"
"Was giving my wife a massage and drinking a beer I told her she was getting a Rub and Chug","She promptly ended the massage"
"What is the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know and I don't care"
"Prisoner Escaped Guard:          Inmate #2276 escaped sir.   Warden:       WHAT.   How long ago.   Guard:          There was a random search last night at 8:30, so figure he's been on the lamb for about 8 hours.   Warden:       Oh thank God, what a relief.   Guard:          How so sir.   That's a hell of a long time to be missing","Warden:        Yes, but imagine how far he'd be if he was on the horse"
"My dad walked in on me reading Lord of the Flies  Have you gotten to the part about the swatter.   I don't respond","Did that joke just fly right by you"
"My son used to keep swallowing coins when he was a kid","I’ve definitely seen some change in him"
"Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke","Joke joke, joooooooke"
"Son: Dad, is Chewbacca a Wookie","Me: Yeah, but he'll get better with pwactice"
"New. Zealand is one of the remotest countries in the world","In fact, on average, we have about five remotes per household."
"I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christ mas","It wasn't her main present, just a stocking filler"
"What do you call a murder mystery about desserts","Whodonut"
"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.  Yes sir, it's fresh ground.   EDIT: taken from [Jokeriot](https://jokeriot","com)"
"I was attacked by a gang of people with Obsessive–compulsive disorder","It was organized crime"
"Why should you never talk about Braille","It’s a touchy subject"
"A red fruit walks into a bank with a gun","He screams:  This is a strawberry"
"My five-year-old daughter made me proud at dinner My wife: After dinner, I was thinking of making us ice cream sundaes","My daughter glances at the calendar and says: I'd rather have an ice cream Saturday"
"Why didn’t the backpacker visit Norway","🇳🇴 He couldn’t afjord it"
"What does a cow with no lips say","oooo"
"A man went to the doctor to complain about his hip pain.   You need to exercise more.  Have you tried dancing.  Maybe you should join a club , the doctor says.    The man, unsure if more movement would really solve the problem, replies:  I don't know Doc, I think I want a second opinion on that.      In that case, I'd suggest you to see a dentist , comes the answer.     But Doc, why would I go to the dentist with my hip problem","To this, the doctor says:  It hurts because you don't floss"
"I had my appendix removed the other day","I rewrote it and now my book is complete"
"How do you make an octopus laugh","You give it ten tickles"
"How do you know when a joke is a dad joke","When it becomes apparent"
"You're in a locked room, cement room with just stick, how do you get out.  Break the stick in half.  Two halves make a whole","Climb out"
"Family discussion about belly buttons.  *Sitting around the dinner table the other night. *  Little Sister: Belly buttons are weird.   Me: At least you and I have innies, Middle Sister has an outie, gross.    Little Sister: No, she has an innie too.    Little Sister: Dad, does Middle Sister have an innie or an outie.    Dad:","I thought she had a Mazda"
"Mom , dad joked me.  Me: whats a pirates' favorite letter.  Mom: is it arrr.  Me: Aye you'd think it'd be arr.  but a pirates true love is for the C.  Mom: whats a pirate favorite crime.  me: is it arrrson","Mom: ayye you'd think it'd be arrrson but it's piracy"
"A woman came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant","I was a little confused, as I’d never met herbivore"
"Not sure if this counts.  She didn't find it funny.  I bawled.  My lady friend and I were on the phone and it's that time of month for her.  So I was making jokes about periods ( Menstrual jokes aren't funny.  Period.  ) and she told me to stop.  So she eventually gets to asking me about how our school schedule works.     We're on block schedule.     Oh.  So you guys don't have periods.     No, but you do","I died"
"My newborn is five days old and I'm already one of you.  Holding the baby skin-to-skin and he starts sneezing repeatedly.         Me:  Hey honey, do you know what his name is.    Wife:  What","Me:  Julius Sneezer   Wife:"
"Where do cats write notes","Scratch Paper"
"My wife doesn't even hear my jokes anymore.  Not a dad yet, but:  I've been working on fixing my god-awful penmanship lately, so I'll spend quite a long time writing the alphabet, transcribing tv show lines, or just page after page of single letters.   The other night, I had about half a page of capital B's done.  My wife looks at it and asks what I'm doing.  I reply,  Oh, just writing a letter.    She pretended she didn't hear it and just carried on with what she was doing",":("
"In all seriousness, I think this is my favorite sub","Its so cheesy and full of hams"
"What do you call a male renaissance artist with a bowl of jelly","Michael and jello"
"If I tell a joke, it’s a dad joke.  No apologies","#That’s how eye roll"
"Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.  I paid my $2 and he said","Once upon a time there was this lobster"
"If a meteor fell on you","You'd meteor maker"
"Ever seen moth balls","How did you get their tiny little legs to spread apart"
"Dad joked at bathtime.  I was tasked with bed and bathtime for the kids at my folk's house thanksgiving night.  We were all staying over (it was a large house), and i had my own daughter and her cousin, both five years old, to put to bed because everyone else had too much wine with dinner or were too tired to deal with it.  The kids were still hyper so i said to them  guys, i need you to get naked.   Well my smart ass nephew ran to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and pulled out a bottle of my mom's naked brand juice and brought it me, said he got naked for me","I was so proud"
"When I asked my son what he wanted me to get him for his birthday, he said, “Google Glasses","” I said, “OK, but I already know what glasses are"
"dad joked by my mom.  so a mom joke right","So my dog was walking around looking for crumbs Me: move dog or I'll trip over you Mom:he's looking for crumbs Me: I don't care about his stupid crumb expedition Mom: yeah it's pretty crumby"
"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef"
"Two grandpas were playing tennis, the other lost","Some say he's still not found"
"Some rich snob buys a helicopter to get him around NYC and I ask him “Why can you use a car like the rest of us","” He said “traffic is beneath me”"
"What do you call an alligator who join the FBI","An InvestiGator"
"A ghost walks through a bar and orders the Christmas Spirit","The bartender says,  Sorry, but Christmas passed"
"Does anyone else think that all this St. George's Day stuff is starting to dragon a little bit","(I'm sorry)"
"I just dropped my phone in mayo. What the","Hellmann"
"Did you hear that someone kidnapped Sting","Currently the police have no lead"
"While my son's away travelling.  http://i. imgur. com/71nL3H8","jpg"
"I dated a girl who really got off on the dad jokes","She was a real homonymphomaniac."
"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot 🥕"
"Just call me later http://imgur","com/gallery/03imq/new"
"I'm going to stand out outside","so if anyone asks, I'm outstanding"
"Hypnosis doesn't actually work","Change My Mind"
"Dad-joked by my mum I dropped a glass and it broke, sending pieces of itself across the whole of the kitchen","My mum hears this and responds, 'are you having a smashing time"
"I thought my dad jokes were super cool. Until","I realized everyone thought they were un-cle."
"TIL tanktops are the most constitutional attire","We have the right to bare arms"
"Dad Joked at Church I was at my in laws this weekend, and for mother's day my MIL wanted us to go to church with her.  I'm not religious, but fine, whatever you want.  The problem is that neither my wife or I brought  church clothes,  with us for the visit.  It was unexpected.   So we're sitting in the church and my wife is talking to her dad.    Dad, I'm just happy I have a pair of jeans that aren't all ripped up.  I didn't plan on this at all.     Oh, hunny, don't worry.  Any pair of pants would have been holy once you walked in.    Massive grin","Then back to serious, because Jesus, I guess"
"Yesterday a clown held the door for me","It was a nice jester"
"Three robbers enter a bank vault.  They end up getting trapped inside over night.   The next morning the cops find them in the vault after being called in.     The detective at the scene notices the robbers had explosives with them and asks,  why did you not blow yourselves out to escape","To which one of the robbers replies,  it's better to be in safe than sorry"
"I got arrested for forgetting to take out my wallet before washing my pants","I was charged with money laundering"
"I heard a speech given from a parade float","It was a moving performance, to say the least"
"Talking to my son about how to fight a Grizzly  There's no way you could take down a grizzly, they're too big.    Sure there is, I could do it with my bear hands","*rolls eyes*"
"My money saving habits don't work","It makes no cents"
"Son: dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","Dad: no sun"
"Parents visited the lighthouse at the coast","Dad said it was the highlight of his trip"
"What kind of music do planets like","neptunes"
"What do you call a pudgy psychic","A four-chin teller"
"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot.  A carrot.    My English teacher is giving us daily dad jokes","My life is complete"
"Yesterday, I saw an ad for a radio.  The ad said, “Radio for sale.  $1.  Volume stuck on loud. ”  I thought, “Wow","I can’t turn that down"
"I ordered a sandwich with American cheese, but it came to the table with cheddar cheese instead","It was a queso mistaken identity"
"Why don't you like drilling holes","It's boring"
"What are CIA agents called when they go to sleep","Undercover"
"Is that a new book you're reading.  What's it about","About 200 pages"
"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day"
"I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work","It was an air con"
"Why my friend has to take the train My friend is trying to make arrangements for coming to town, and I was telling my girlfriend the plan.   Me:  So Bob was saying he will take the train, but I told him he could fly and I could pick him up   GF:  Babe he can't fly. He's a human","I then congratulated my girlfriend"
"Where do young cows go for lunch","(My seven year old granddaughter told me this one) To the calfateria"
"Did you hear about the computer programmer who was strung out on cough syrup","He had a major codeine problem"
"Sometimes I like to sit holding my knees to my chest","It’s how I roll"
"If you are ever attacked by a group of clowns","Just go for the juggler"
"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline is apparent"
"What do you call a boat full of high school graduates","A scholarship"
"Did you hear about the mexican train killer","He had loco-motives"
"My husband just nearly made me drop my sandwich with laughter Him: Did you hear about the famous scientist who was also a father and a cannibal","Me: *confused stare*  Him: Thomas Ate-his-son"
"Classic Dad Joke at Dinner We went out to eat at Olive Garden and there was a large mirror on the wall next to our table.   My dad immediately says  That family in the other room looks an awful lot like us","What a dad"
"What did the hillbilly say when he was reborn","What on reintarnation"
"I'm a bit too proud of this one So this happened a few months ago while my SO was about 5 months pregnant.  We were at a restaurant for dinner with my sister and I was absent mindedly wrapping one of those little green paper sleeves that hold cutlery around my thumb when the following happened:  SO looks over at me: are you having a fun time over there.   Me: yeah I have a bit of a knack for gardening","SO & sister still haven't stopped groaning over it"
"When I’m cruising around the city in a $300K vehicle, I can’t help but think","If my bus driver doesn’t speed up, I’ll be late for work"
"Why did the alligator think he was a crocodile","He was in de Nile"
"I have been having prostate issues recently","It’s a pain in the ass"
"Bathroom Calls I was going to the bathroom, going #2, and playing around on my phone when my dad called.  I sent him a text saying that I was on the toilet","Within 10 seconds I get another call from him, but this time it's a call to FaceTime with him"
"An old woman goes to see the doctor.   I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell.  In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all.   The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.    A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset.   I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival","The doc says  Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas"
"I bought shoes from a drug dealer once","I don't know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day"
"What does a Spanish fireman call his kids","José and Hose B"
"Why does Melkor have a larger collection of black clothing than Sauron","because he's Morgoth"
"What does a tree do when it’s hot and sunny","It throws shade"
"Why are dragons hard to work with","They fire everyone"
"What is the name of Bangkok's twin city","Ding dong"
"My brothers new girlfriend just dad joked me, she's ok.  Her: I'm a vegetarian.   Me: Are you a strict vegetarian","Her: Nope, I'm a fun vegetarian"
"Just watched an episode of MasterChef","The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated I guess you could say the steaks were high"
"What is a Jamaican’s favourite spice","CinnaMon"
"What kind of pants does Mario wear","Denim, denim, denim"
"Jokes about Mother Superior going to the tavern are the absolute best","bar nun"
"What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones","Trombones"
"Do you know who don’t want to be online right now","Fish"
"Just became a dad.  I think the popsicles at the hospital are doing a good job of preparing me.    http://i. imgur. com/iHdGZBd","jpg"
"What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get.  A broken drum","you can’t beat it"
"If I had a dollar for every time I've committed armed robbery","I'd be a pretty lousy robber"
"Did you hear about the mad cow","She was always in an udderly awful moood"
"Where do ants live","Antarctica"
"Crazy people.  I was talking with my mother about a crazy woman she worked for while she was an undergrad, and we got on the subject of how a lot of people in the academic world have strange personalities.  She said something about how academia is different than other parts of life when I paused for a second and said  Well, mom, there are a lot of nuts in macadamia.    ^(I know it doesn't make sense if you think about it, just turn off your brains for a minute please. )  Not a dad yet, but I aspire to walk among the best","^^^EDIT: ^^^Formatting"
"My favourite word is  Drool","It sort of rolls off the tongue"
"You: “So, dad,. I was thinking…”. Dad: “Ohhhhh and","I wondered what that high-pitched grinding sound was!”"
"I can cut down trees with just my vision","I saw it with my own eyes!"
"What do bees mate with","Their honey"
"I met a guy from Australia who works in IT","I said,  Do you come from a LAN down under"
"What is Harry Potters favorite way to get down a hill","Walking  ​  ​  JK Rowling"
"The supermarket was full of. Indians this morning","I heard they opened a new deli."
"when satan goes bald","there's gonna be hell toupee"
"Accidents I was recently hit by a car and taken to hospital by ambulance","1 hour later my dad shows up and the first thing he says is    You hitting the road"
"My son blowing up a beach ball says, as soon as. I am done,","I'm gonna catch my breath."
"Why did Frodo watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy so many times","Because it's hobbit-forming"
"An optimist and a pessimist.  An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.    A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train","The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks"
"Me: Do you want to watch porn or golf.  Wife: Porn","You already know how to golf"
"I found a cat the other day","Just kitten"
"Standing in the bathroom this morning.  I asked my GF what a superspy uses for itchy feet.    Bond.  Gold Bond","I managed to duck the brush she threw at me"
"When birds fly in a V, why is one side longer than the other","More birds on that side"
"What do you call a German barber","Herr Cutter"
"Why did my dad not mind when I threw a coke at his head","Because its a soft drink"
"two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married","the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent"
"Eating lunch with wife and kids.  Wife  your lunch is very orange   4yo  what do you mean","Wife  well you have Mac and cheese which is orange and a Clementine which is orange   Me  well, the Clementine is only a little orange"
"Son,. I don't like it one bit, but if you insist on being a","Communist then soviet."
"What do you call a person who moves illegal contraband without using magic","A smuggle"
"He totally set her up for it.  So we were having dinner with some family friends of ours when our friends wide started talking about an award she won a few years back.   Her husband:  Did they give you any proof   Her:  Yea I have a plaque.    Her husband:  Well maybe you should brush your teeth more","Cue collective half groan half laughs"
"Got dad-joked in the car yesterday.  Me: Can you turn on the radio, dad","Dad: Hey, radio, I love you"
"Hey you hungry. No. I'm not falling for that again. Hello","I'm not falling for that again"
"Three men walk into a bar","The fourth one ducked"
"My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.  I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it","”  My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you"
"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school today","Ya, the teacher had to wake him up"
"That job sucks So I was picking up my girlfriend from class.   (We live in South Florida so they alway have these vacuum trucks sucking out the debris in sewer drains to keep them clear when random tsunamis happen for 3. 2 seconds at a time. )  She looks at the truck and says  I would hate that job.    I responded with.   Yeah, it must suck","I think I laughed harder than she did but it made my day"
"How can you tell when a joke is a Dad Joke","When the punchline becomes apparent"
"Do you guys like dark humor.  'Cause I got this joke about pretzels","But it's pretty twisted"
"Yesterday, my son explained to me in very simple terms that I am an adult but he isn't","I kid you not"
"What's Forest Gump's password","1Forest1"
"Bok kai festival.  The bok kai dragon finally comes down the road, it's chasing the pearl, all 150 feet of it going in waves like a squiggly line taking its time.  The father standing next to me leans into his kids and says   wow, they're really dragon this out  Kid was not amused","I've never witnessed a dad joke in the wild before"
"How can you tell when a joke becomes a dad joke","When it becomes aparent"
"An alligator can grow up to 12 feet","But many just have 4"
"The workers that were supposed to rebuild my kitchen didn't know what to do once they took the old one apart","I'd say let that sink in first"
"How much room do fungi need to grow","As mushroom as possible"
"Why didn't the skeleton cross the road","He didn't have the guts"
"The punchline is in the description","In the description"
"Dogs can't operate. MRI machines","But catscan"
"An assist from my son My 4yo son asked my wife about her Halloween costume.  My wife to my son:  I'm going to be a witch.   My son turned to me  Mommy is becoming a witch","Yeah, but what will she be for Halloween"
"Friend dad-joking his mom on new testing Very simply said.   Mom: The SAT's are getting rid of the essays","Son: So it's just going to be the T's"
"Why don't you ever see hippopotamuses hiding in trees","Because their really good at it"
"Dadjoked the real estate agent My parents are selling the house and yesterday we had people checking it out along with the real estate agent.   Now I'm a metalhead and that's pretty obvious when you see my room.  I got band posters and flags, loads of CD's and two guitars there.    So when it was all over, the agent came to me and told me I have a great taste of music.  I told him I expected him to be more of a house guy","I don't think he got it"
"When you die, which body part dies last","The pupils, they dilate"
"Putting groceries away with my wife and this one just came out of me with no warning.  We had come back from grocery shopping and we were putting away the cold items that needed to be refrigerated first.  I picked up a nice big beef shoulder roast that we'd bought to put in the slow cooker for Sunday dinner","I handed it to her and said,  I'm giving you the cold shoulder"
"Dad, why do scuba divers roll backwards off the boat","Because, son, if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat"
"Laser eye surgery is a scam and should be avoided at all costs","I had the procedure done 10 years ago, and I STILL can’t shoot laser beams from my eyes"
"If you're impressed by girls who have  legs for days","Then I'd like to inform you that I've had legs literally my whole life"
"What did the stormtrooper say when he went into a church for the first time.  Pew.  Pew, pew, pew.  Pew, Pew","Pew"
"Girlfriend's dad keeps hinting about grandchildren.  Girlfriend:  Do I need antibiotics for this cold.    Her dad:  Antibiotics for a cold is a common misconception","Her dad:  Like you would be if you gave me grandchildren"
"Dad's on death bed.  [Visiting father on death bed]  Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you","Dad struggling to talk  Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad"
"What's the CIAs favourite game","Whack-a-Mole"
"Dad: Look at those two geese swimming into each other all the times.  What do you get, son.  Son: I don’t know.   Dad:","goosebumps"
"What do you call a chicken coup with four doors","A chicken sedan"
"The chef is deaf and out of fish","I can confirm he has a herring problem"
"A guy offers 2 crisp packets a lift. They say no thanks, we're","Walkers"
"Two cannibals are eating a clown","One looks at the other and says:  Does this taste funny to you"
"You should really drink apple juice.  *Situation: I'm drinking orange juice. *  Him: You know, you should really drink apple juice.   Me: Why","Him: Because OJ kills"
"Son:  Did you hear about those lunatics.  They've been troubling humans and the animals alike.   Dad:  Really","Last time I checked there were no ticks on the moon"
"I wanted to be different. So","I put my hand in the freezer and told myself  I'm cool."
"Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underwear","Because Chernobyl fallout"
"Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France","There was nothing left but de Brie"
"No one in Antartica has Covid That's because","They're ice-o-lated"
"Someone at my job turned in a single glove to the lost and found.  I told them that  On one hand, they're going to be really cold","On the other hand, they're going to be nice and warm"
"You wanna here a joke about paper.  Nevermind","It's tearable"
"I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire.  So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry.  It’s just a fire drill. ”  REDDIT.  IM GOING TO BE A DAD",":D"
"There was a gruesome murder on the elevator","Police are trying to figure out how it all went down"
"My wife is a dad.  We've been having problems with flies in our house.  Today, as we were in the process of shooing them out an open window, she said,  Go away","This is a no-fly zone"
"What does an animal do when a predator is nearby","It preys"
"What’s blue and not heavy","Light blue"
"A proper joke in the wild from another subreddit.  [ Customer asked me if I wanted to see a picture of his pride and joy.  ](https://i. imgur. com/hPll2Vn. jpg)  I take no credit, found on [r/funny](https://www. reddit","com/r/funny/comments/81fd49/customer_asked_me_if_i_wanted_to_see_a_picture_of/)"
"How much sex does a person who likes boys and girls have","Just enough to get BI"
"Before my surgery, my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation"
"I'm going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour","It will be called, Tailor Swift"
"Ironman is always suspicious of Aquaman’s pool party invitations","He has some rust issues"
"Dadjoked my pop today Me:  Hey dad, why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie.    Dad:  I have no clue","Me:  HE WAS TOO FAR OUT, MAN"
"Where do billionaires go for all you can eat","The Warren Buffet"
"In the. Zelda games people often keep money in plant pots","They are probably trying to take advantage of the  **urn**ed income tax credit"
"As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant: First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant.  Fill the hole with ashes.  Line the hole with peas","And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole"
"How do you turn on a phone","Start taking its case off"
"I named my dog Five Miles","I tell people I walk Five Miles every morning and evening"
"Where does a General keep his Armies","In his sleevies"
"I like telling dad jokes better than mom jokes","She never gets the punchline"
"Need Help With Dad Jokes Every time me and a friend of mine are in an elevator and a new person walks in I ask my friend “ How’s the elevator business going. ”  and he replies a with ”It has its ups and downs”  Are there any other Dad jokes you can use with another person when strangers are around","Or any jokes along the lines of “How’s the *blank* business going"
"Dad, can you put my shoes on","No, i don't think they'll fit me"
"What's a didgeridoo","Whatever it wants"
"We all got my mom At dinner tonight, mom was eating chicken and noticed there was a nerve still attached.  She stopped and mentioned it.   My cousin said  Does that make you nervous.  , we all laughed, my mom made a face.    I turned to her and asked her, with concern  Did that hit a nerve.    She still hasn't talked to me","Nerve wrecking"
"Just got my honey I was at the kitchen table after eating takeout when my wife approached.     Hi honey,  I said.   She smiled and said  Hi .   I said  I'm not talking to you  and she got a confused look on her face.    That's when I pointed to the 3 packets of honey on the table, leftover from the chicken nuggets we had finished eating.   Then she got that other look on her face","the one that says  really"
"Got my wife this morning at breakfast  Do you want some eggs honey.     No thanks, I'm not really a big egg person","Don't worry, these are regular sized eggs"
"I just dad joked the on-call nurse I had to call the doctor's office about a new medication she put me on, when the nurse answers the phone  Me: Hi, my name is ***  I'm calling for Dr ***.  She just put me on this new medicine and I'm supposed to call in and let her know how everything is going   Nurse: ok, hun.  I have to look you up in the system.  What's your date of birth.   Me: April 7th  Nurse: What year.   Me: every year.   Nurse *sigh* .  what year were you born, sir","Me: *chuckle*"
"The officer asked me to step out of my car.   You're staggering  he said.   You're pretty handsome yourself","I replied"
"Sea World just started a program where you get to camp with dolphins","They say it's safe for all in tents and porpoises"
"I just tried Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages and they were great","I think Olive salami is here to stay"
"What do you call it when a German guy has diarrhea","Shitskrieg"
"My younger brother's son was born just after midnight last night. He called me to let me know all had gone well,mother and baby both healthy, and said  It took 25hrs but he's finally here,. I'm so tired . I replied  Hi so tired,. I'm","Dad, and today you are too, welcome to the club"
"What's the most threatening subreddit","r/else"
"Hey Dad, don't you hate change.   No, I like change.  I've got 87 cents in my pocket","It's official, my dad is beginning to use dad jokes"
"So my wife and I were driving through Pennsylvania today and drove by a place called Fort Necessity.  I looked at her and said “I’m trying very hard, but I don’t feel the need to go there”","She didn’t say much to me the rest of our trip"
"Today my wife went outside with her purse open","She'd heard there would be some change in the weather"
"My British dad pulled this one off at the customs for Australia.  AUS guy: Passport please  *Dad hands over passport**  AUS guy: Do you have a criminal record","Dad: I didn't know that that was still a requirement"
"How much does a pirate pay for corn","a buccaneer"
"Took my dad out for father's day dinner Dad:  Well, thanks for dinner    Me:  No prob.   Thanks for fathering me","Dad:  Oh, don't worry, the pleasure was all mine"
"As a scarecrow, people say. I'm outstanding in my field","But hay, it's in my jeans."
"Our wedding was so beautiful","even the cake was in tiers"
"My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances","I said:  There's the door"
"Looking for a good core exercise","I like to dig to the center of the Earth"
"How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla","A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla"
"I hold my dictionary close","It has a lot of meaning"
"Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this.  Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.  Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.   Wife: What are you thinking","Me: Business casual"
"My Dad drops this gem going through airport security.  Airport Security: Do you have anything sharp on you","Dad: Yes, my brain"
"Dad got me this evening with a classic.  Walking to the car and we both noticed the moon was unusually large, so I ask him  Is that a new moon","His reply without skipping a beat  No, I'm sure it's been there a while"
"Why can an eagle not be sick","Because that would be illegal"
"I turned back my clock for daylight savings [but how am I supposed to know what time it is now. ](https://i. imgur. com/AhJadOW","png)"
"My wife was hooking our daughter up in her car seat.  And while I was waiting, I was standing on the front lawn beside the car absent-mindedly swinging a golf club (to test my sore shoulder).  Daughter starts freaking out because she thinks I'm not coming.  My wife tells her not to worry, Daddy's driving","And I told her  actually, it's a wedge"
"My wife just asked me  What's the difference between dates and prunes","My response:  You can't take a girl on a prune"
"What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass","Beer"
"Why does a duck have feathers","to cover its butt-quack"
"What do you call a Rastafarian squid","Bob Calamarley"
"I earned myself an eye-rolling from the waitress this morning.  I went to a diner called Mo's Egg House to grab some breakfast with some friends.  We ended up ordering two eggs benedicts and two eggs florentine.   The waitress said  Wow, you guys are easy.   To which I replied  *over*easy.    Everyone hates me now","I love it"
"I just crashed my new. Kia. Now. I have","Nokia"
"What does Thor wear underneath his pants","Thunderware"
"I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me.  She said “I’m good","” I said “At what"
"Did you know they outlawed round bales of hay","The animals weren't getting a square meal"
"I told the family we seriously need to consider getting a mini-van, and my 4-year-old-son was very upset","Instead, he insisted we buy a Mickey van"
"After 24 years of life, my dad finally got me.  Context: English isn't his first language, and he isn't the greatest at writing it (When He Wants To Emphasize Something, He Capitalizes The First Letter).  He usually has me read over his important emails before sending them","me:  Dad, you capitalize everything   Dad:  What can I say, I'm a capitalist"
"What do you call a mountain of cows","A moontain"
"What do you call someone who's job is to search for shredded cheese","An investi-grater"
"My neighbor's house doesn't have any numbers on its door or mailbox and","I just feel like that's something that needs to be addressed."
"You should try playing darts blindfolded","You don't know what you're missing"
"What do you call a dinosaur that was in a car accident","Tyrannosaurus wrecks"
"What does a gay horse like to eat","Hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;)"
"Call me pubes cause","I'm above these dickheads"
"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it"
"What's the Pope's favorite weapon","Nun-chuks"
"My son dug a narrow, 10 ft deep hole in the backyard, claiming that we could use it to store water","I’m not mad at him though, because He means well"
"Wifes grandpa, has been one for a while.  While in the elevator at carlsbad caverns","Turns to the operator and says, This job must have its ups and downs"
"I don't always tell dad jokes.  But when I do, he laughs","Sorry if this has been posted before"
"Grizzly bear walks into a bar.  Says to the bartender  i'll have a whiskey. on the rocks, please  bartender asks  whats with the big pause","Grizzly looks perplexed and replies  Ive had them all my life"
"I don't have any kids.  According to my nephew, this disqualifies me from telling dad jokes.  But he's always preaching that my diet is too high in carbohydrates, so my eating habits really irritate him and get under his skin.  I guess this makes me his [carbuncle](https://en. wikipedia","org/wiki/Carbuncle)"
"I went to the antiques store today and asked if they had something new","They didn't."
"My friend Barry drew me.  But I‘m not insulted because","I Drew Barrymore"
"My clock just went back 4 seconds","I guess it was still hungry"
"A good pick up line. Hey","I'll give you a ride,  just hop in my car."
"I was trained in weird. Mexican dances","They are loco motions"
"I designed a never seen before knife","it's cutting-edge technology"
"TIL. Thyme has powerful medical qualities","Some say it heals all wounds"
"A wooden box was floating in the sea and no body knows it.  Why","Because it's a sea-crate"
"I told a dad joke in a dream last night.  Someone was taking about their oral and aural studies.  I said,  We don't listen when you talk about that","I woke myself up laughing"
"Father in law said this earlier.  The neighbor got (our daughter)  a frozen outfit for Christmas","Hopefully it thaws out"
"What if they planted a bomb.  My cousin walked up on my front porch.  Walked up by the door.  Then turned around and walked away.   My little brother: What if they planted a bomb.  Dad: It wouldn't grow.  This was followed with 10 minutes of nonstop laughter","Just from him and my mother"
"Wnat to know how to build an effective bear trap.  Go out in the woods and dig a large hole about 6 or 7 feet deep.  Fill it with ashes and put peas around the outside of the it","When a bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole"
"A programmer's wife tells him:  While you're at the store, get some milk","He never comes back"
"What do cavemen sleep on","Bedrock"
"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta"
"What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store","Guardians of the Galaxy"
"What does a zombie magician say","Abra-cadaver"
"What's hot when served cold","Necrophilia"
"My wife left me because of my obsession with astrology. I guess","I should have seen the signs.."
"I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don’t know why"
"Did you hear Hawaii has banned loud laughter","Yeah, especially when using the same recycled joke 50 million times"
"I tuck my suitcase into bed at night","I rest my case"
"My dad got my little brother so well.  http://i. imgur. com/gRHzFPD","png"
"I was talking to my dad and he abruptly changed the topic to. Indian food","It was a real naan sequitur."
"If buttercups are yellow, what colour are hiccups","Burple"
"Of storks deliver little babies, what delivers big babies","Cranes"
"Never start a fight with a dinosaur. You'll get","JurassKicked"
"An 8th grade student got me with this today.  I'm so proud.  Student:  Why is it so bad to have a pie thrown in your face in math class.    Me:  Why","Student:  Because it never ends"
"Who healed the guitarist's scrape","The band aid"
"Doctor, there's a man in your waiting room who claims he's invisible","Tell him I can't see him"
"Why did the Cylons invade the coffee shop","Because they thought it was Lieutenant Starbuck's place"
"I'm campaigning to become a moderator of /r/dadjokes.  This is the platform I'm running on.  http://imgur","com/szcPODP"
"If you're in a plane above LA.  What happens if you are in a plane above Los Angeles, and when you look out the window there are no clouds beneath you","U C L A"
"My friend swept a girl off her feet today","He's a very aggressive janitor"
"I don't trust theatre artists. Everything they do is","STAGED."
"What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist","One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally"
"Just doing what I`m told.  [http://i. imgur. com/1PcWyZO. jpg](http://i. imgur. com/1PcWyZO","jpg)"
"What do you call male oysters.  Boysters.  What do you call bodybuilding oysters.  Hoisters.  What do you call oyster pirates.  Ahoysters.  What do you call oyster nuns.  Cloisters.  What do you call oysters that live under water.  Moisters.  What do you call shy oysters.  Coysters.  What do you call working class oysters.  Employsters.  What do you call oysters with an evil plan.  Ploysters.  What do you call singing oysters.  Voiceters","I should stop before this gets worseter"
"So. I woke up inside the fridge today. The thought of why","I was in there was chilling"
"So, this is a little bit unoriginal but it's my first own dadjoke that I came up with on the spot, so I was proud to know I might hone my skills in the future to be a great/horrible dad.  Friend: Text me when you have time.   Me: When you have time","Friend:"
"Didn't punish George  TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.     Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him","LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand"
"Dad joke ruins relationship.  [But it's always worth it. ](http://i. imgur. com/l845FA2","png)"
"My wife deserves a hand My toddler runs up to my wife, tucks his hand into his sleeve, and says  Mommy look.  My hand is gone.    To which she replies,  Oh no","Looks like we have to go to the second hand store"
"Dad (68) got me (37F) today Me: I bought a dozen eggs and hard boiled them.   When I peeled the first one and cut into it, it had two yolks.   Him:  Yeah.   What were the yolks.   Me: oh geez, Dad.  Yolks.  Not jokes","*facepalm*"
"My 10-year-old daughter just got me.  Was on the phone with my ex-wife (her mom) discussing when she would pick up our daughter for visitation tomorrow and she (my ex) was telling me about a minor fender-bender she was in the other day.   She said she filed a police report since the other person drove off and I replied that she did the right thing to cover her ass, and my daughter pipes up:  that's because she's wearing pants, daddy","I have to be doing something right"
"What do you call a caveman's fart","A blast from the past"
"What do you call a dog who digs for bones","A Bark-aeologist"
"I'm going outside to stand","If anyone asks, I'm outstanding"
"Just found out I'm allergic to plantains today","I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock"
"Why didn't the singing tree become famous","It needed to BRANCH out into other genres"
"Why do people say that nothing is impossible","To me it seems easy to do nothing on nearly a daily basis"
"Boss pulled a fridge cord out the other day Was working on a high end home, just trying to hide a wire that went out to a wine cooler, and my boss accidentally pulls the cord out and says,   Sorry fridge.    Without skipping a beat, I reply,   Don't worry, it's cool","I'm no dad, but he is, and he thought it was hilarious, and that he would tell his wife that one later"
"Whats the worst kind of bees","Zom bees"
"Dad drove five of us under a bridge with a sign saying  12 feet   Oh no.  We only have 10 feet","Better turn back"
"My History professor asked us to write some jokes on the back of our history final for extra credit.  After the groans from everyone I told it to, I think it belongs here.  Why was Leif Erikson not accredited with discovering the New World","Because if he had put some roots down, he would have been Tree Erikson"
"After. I gave my. Dad his 50th. Birthday","Card, he said to me, “Fucking reposter disgrace,”"
"How do you tell the difference between a boy ant and a girl ant.  (SFW don't worry) Put them in water","If one floats, it's (a) boyant"
"As they say on death row","No noose is good noose"
"What did one cow say to another when he finished his drink","Pass me an udder one"
"Dad's at it again.  Borderline unacceptably dad-joking the Denny's waitress.  *family walks into Denny's*  Waitress:  Welcome to Denny's.  Just five of you today.    Dad:  Yes, four adults, one child.    Waitress:  Alright, would you like a kids menu today.    Dad:  No thanks, I just had three.  They were delicious","-_-"
"Had a first date last night We went to a bar that had a bunch of board games and decided to play Battleship.    Her:  I-8   Me:  You ate what.    Her:  .  wow","And yes, she agreed to a second date, even after that"
"Night Porter at work with my favourite dadjoke of all time Receptionist at work had gone to get a glass of water from the bar.  As she came around the corner stephen(the night Porter) was coming around at the same time.  Startled, she said  oh jesus.   And without missing a beat he said  no, Stephen  and carried on walking","My admiration of the man rocketed"
"I saw two chess masters in the hotel lobby, and they were bragging about their skill","They were chess nuts boasting in a open foyer"
"What language do they speak in Macau","Mooo"
"Dad joked by my (single) co-worker. Me:. Damn, it's kind of chilly outside. Co-worker:","Better get a spoon and bowl then"
"So my mum spots an insect on the floor. and loudly shouts out that it's a Beetle.      To which my dad replies, stone faced,  Which one","John, Paul, George or Ringo"
"I have decided to write all my jokes in capitols from now on","This one was written in London"
"Dad had to pee whilst playing Skyrim http://i. imgur. com/kHERoeR","png"
"You should really pick up your dog’s poop","It’s your doo diligence"
"I once dreamed I was a sadomasochistic wheat protein","I was a gluten for punishment"
"Why did the little kid fall into the well","Because he couldn't see that well"
"Did I tell you about my new chicken-proof lawn","It's absolutely impeckable"
"My uncle has tons of dad jokes so I will share his most recent.  I walked into a shoestore today and asked the clerk if they sold alligator shoes","the clerk said yes sir, what size does your alligator wear"
"When you wake up in a bathtub full of ice","You've got to be kidney me"
"Why was the archaeologist depressed","His career was in ruins"
"A bicycle can't stand alone","it's two tired"
"I don't like long conversations about underwear","I prefer to keep them brief"
"What happens when the pope dies","Another one popes up"
"today i saw a man propose to a girl in a gym","sadly, she said no i guess it just didn’t workout"
"What do call lonely cheese","Provolone"
"Where did noah keep his bees","In the ark hives"
"This guy threw a carton of milk at me","How dairy"
"My classmates are just hard to please Since you guys enjoyed my dad moment in math class I thought I'd share my chemistry moment too.    So we are discussing atmospheric pressure and my teacher thought it be a good example to ask us to stand up to example how we can overcome the pressure.  So everyone is standing and I remain sitting,  Teacher: so what's stoping you from standing up","Me: Peer pressure   Followed by rejected high fives"
"I just can't stand those Russian nesting dolls","They are so full of themselves"
"Just got an eye roll from the 8-year-old neighbor kid with this one NK: [*as he stands up and starts walking out of the room*] I'll be right back","Me: I'll be left front"
"If. Dracula passed gas. It would be a","Nosferatoot."
"When a. YouTuber is proud of his work, he's-","Content."
"Is your refrigerator running","Because I might vote for it"
"Got my wife while traveling in SF.  After visiting Chinatown, went to the Fisherman's wharf at night.   Wife sees shop with nice looking - non junky, Chinese items priced very high Wife: Look.  It's like Chinatown, just way nicer and more expensive.  Me: You might even call it. Fine Chinatown  I got both an eye roll and a groan","It was great"
"Why was Abraham Lincoln never found guilty of a crime","He was in a cent"
"Someone told me their pre-tax income","It was gross"
"Pop  A weasel walks into a bar.  The bartender says,  Wow, I've never served a weasel before.  What can i get you","​      Pop  Goes the weasel"
"How does the drummer sell his couch","Per cushion"
"What do you call a bee that's bad at football","A fumble bee"
"Man","This cow farm smells like butt Must be all that dairy air"
"In college, I couldn’t join any fraternity because I was circumcised","Apparently you had to be a complete dick"
"I lent money to a blind man the other day, bug now. I’m a bit worried","He said he’ll pay me back when he sees me again"
"A math major just finished up their undergraduate school.  The math major shared with his family how excited he was to finally get his degree","His dad asked,  Are you sure it isn't a radian for you"
"I'm sick and tired of hearing how divided our country is these days","when almost all the states are connected like a big jigsaw puzzle"
"My son Fawad insists on playing Li'l Jon at high volume on his computer","TURN DOWN, FAWAD"
"I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there.  Don’t go in the church, you moron","” She is watching our wedding video again"
"Why are fish so smart","Because they're always in schools"
"What dating app does Tony hawk use","Grindr"
"What do you call drooling people who ring the bells outside of stores during the Holidays","The Salivation Army"
"I once saw. Arnold. Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I asked him:  I bet i could guess your favourite holiday   ​. He. Replied:  Have to love","Easter, baby."
"My Uncle was found dead in a vat of Tippex","The Police say there’s no suspicious circumstances but I’m beginning to suspect a cover-up"
"Did you guys hear about the coolest bone of the 1940s","It was hip"
"I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB","It was a trip down memory lane"
"I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.  He ate it before it was cool","🤦🏻‍♂️"
"What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast","Pumpkin pi"
"Saw this on r/me_irl I know it belongs here Operator: 911 What's your emergency.    Responder: My wife is going into labor, I don't know what to do.    Operator: Is this her firstborn.    Responder: No, this is her husband",""
"I told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high","She didn't say anything, but she looked very surprised"
"What is it called when you have to pay to cough","Cof-fee"
"My wife just called me and said,  Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers out of the blue.  They're absolutely gorgeous","I replied,  That's probably why they got flowers then"
"I was in the queue for a nightclub.  Just as I was about to walk in the bouncers put their arms out to stop me.  They said,  You can't come in, we're full","I said,  I'll come back when you're hungry then"
"My friend just said this.  Me:  I don't want to watch Birdman, my sister gave me a spoiler","Him: What does your car have to do with this"
"Who would’ve thought that it’d be difficult to find a date as a bisexual","But I’m still all bi myself"
"What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink","Type-O"
"Dad just came home.  Dad comes home from work with a friend, little sister hears the knock on the door and yells out  Mum someone's here .   Dad replies","Not someone, sometwo"
"A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.   Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there.  He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.   Then he heads out to rent a limo.  Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.   Finally, the day of the prom comes.  The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time","When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline"
"I want to be something really scary for. Halloween this year. So","I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%"
"Did you hear about the Bruce Willis movie where his power is to put smashed dishes back together","Summer 2019 -   Unbreak-a-bowl  coming to a theater near you"
"Dad joke on vacation.  *Scene: A family exploring a busy city, they've been walking for a while. *  Sister:  My feet are so sore can we sit down somewhere soon.    Dad: *Sees the church that he wanted to check out*  We can go inside that church   Sister:  I just don't wanna walk any more though    Dad:  But when you go inside, you can sit down and let your sole be healed   (Alt.  Ver","Let your soul be heeled )   It didn't hit me that we were dad joked until we were sitting inside"
"What do French people smoke","Oui’d"
"What is a caveman's favorite kind of comedy","Lowbrow"
"Which nationality are clean freaks most afraid of","Germ mans"
"Best way to make your co-worker hate you: Walking into work together today.   CW: Man, feels like I have something in my shoe","Hero of the Universe: I'm guessing it's your foot"
"Why are so many Italian immigrants called Tony","Because they all wore signs saying  To NY"
"Wanna hear a joke about construction","I'm still working on it"
"What happened when the geese fell down stairs","They all got goose bumps"
"How can you tell that you are getting old","You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you"
"Why didn't the blind person get the joke","It was an in-sight joke"
"I was stressed about my math test","I stayed up and thought about my problems"
"Three food items are having a conversation.  Three food items are having a conversation at a bar.   The first one says  Soy milk.    The second one says  Hola.  Soy sauce.    The third one says  Hola, mis amigos","Soy beans"
"Haircut.  Me: Dad did you get a haircut","Dad: No, I got them all cut"
"How do mathematicians fight","Dad (after i failed a math test): they square up"
"My wife gave me an ultimatum.  It was either her or my addiction to sweets","The decision was a piece of cake"
"What food would they serve at Romeo and Juliet's wedding","Cant-elope"
"A Ham Sandwich Walks into a Bar.  Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'  Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'  Edit; Sorry that this is causing so much controversy in Dad joke world.  My Dad literally told me this joke and it totally is a 'Dad joke' in my eyes.   Edit 2 Just want to say some of these comments have had me in bits.  Keep them coming Dads","#DadPower"
"My girlfriend got me aroused, then grabbed her stuff and left","I got ding-dong ditched"
"The mad scientist built a dancing robot","It's so crazy, it might just twerk"
"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it"
"What did the mean pepper say to you","I dont know but he sure was jalapeno face"
"There is always time for a dad joke http://imgur","com/V5BjHmo"
"Why did the scarecrow win the prize","He was out standing in his field"
"Where does a person who is annoyed all the time eat dinner","At the irri-table"
"Why did 7 eat 9","Because you need three squared meals a day"
"Why did the ghost die","He got the boooobonic plague"
"How much did Santa's sleigh cost him.  Nothing","it's on the house"
"Why did the hipster wear flannel in the summer","He wore flannel before it was cool"
"I just had a very serious conversation about hot dogs","It was a frank discussion"
"My son said he would give me £20 if I walked down a hill with him","I declined"
"I returned the ground almonds I bought","They tasted nothing like dirt"
"What do you call a sad basketball player","A baller"
"I am giving away broken puppets for free","No strings attached"
"What did the shy pebble wish for","That she was a little boulder"
"A CarMom and a CarDad have a child what do they call him","Carson"
"Son tied a fist toy to my fishing net","I dont get the punchline but he's smiling"
"Why was Pee Wee's Playhouse such a profitable movie","The studio had Large Margins"
"I ran over two miles yesterday","It’s crazy that they both had the same name"
"Brutus: Caesar, it's your turn in Battleship","Caesar: E2, Brute"
"Isis has started making wine","They call it zinfidel"
"My four year old got my wife today.  My wife was on hold with the office of the local newspaper when my four year old started asking for something.    Wife: Hang on sweetie, I'm on the phone with the newspaper","Daughter: But newspapers can't talk, mommy"
"Please enjoy the following short trailer: https://imgur","com/z0V7Oyg"
"From my 6 year old nephew My sister was scratching her son's back at bedtime while they talked.  She told him it was time for bed.    Him:  Please don't go yet.    Her:  OK, but you have to lie quietly","Him: (Whispering)  I'm 21 years old"
"My wife made my cold even worse I was making tea with lemon juice to clear up my congestion, and my wife wanted me to use the one real lemon we have but I wanted to use the plastic lemon container stuff","Eventually she got exasperated, put the lemon in my hand, and said  WHEN WIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMON TEA"
"What subject in school do cows like the most","cow-culus"
"What do you call a donkey with only three legs","A wonkey"
"Dadjoked a customer at Jimmy John's I was at the cash register, and a guy placed his order.  At the end, he asked for  a glass of water.   That is, a big cup instead of a little cup.  I said,  I'm sorry, I can't do that.  I can give you a laminated paper of water, though","He thought it was funny, but he did a great job of hiding it"
"What do you call someone who makes changes to content on Reddit","A r**edit**or"
"I finally got to use this dad joke on my wife for the first time ever.  She hit her funny bone at a restaurant","I told her “That’s humerus"
"Daddy Band I'm starting a band and we're calling it the  999 Megabytes.   We're hoping to get a gig soon","​  Heard it from a friend"
"Why are Jewish men so good at making beer","because hebrew"
"How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb","Juan"
"Double dad joke at work I work in a kitchen, and we just got a new load of chicken seasoning in when I turned to my coworker and said,  'Tis the seasoning.   When he groaned I said,  I thought you liked topical humor","I didn't have another good one when groaned after that"
"‪In addition to themselves, some monarchs also refer to their liquid waste using plural pronouns","It is, after all, the royal wee"
"Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me","Luckily, my injuries were only Super Fish Oil"
"A man is washing his car with his son","The son asks,  Dad, can't you just use a sponge"
"Don't fart in an. Apple store","They don't have windows."
"My son might be too young to get it, but I still chuckled My son is almost 2 and he likes to say goodbye to absolutely everything.  We were watching airplanes fly by and this happened:  Son: Bye, plane","Me: That's not a biplane"
"Why don't football players get hot","Because of all the fans"
"My grandfather passed away before he could complete his collection of stuffed marshland birds","He died with no egrets"
"What do you call an organized crime ring that sells Adobe products","A flash mob"
"Why did Adele cross the road","To say hello from the other side"
"You smell something.  Smells a little like upman.    What's upman   Nothing much","What's up with you"
"What did the doctor say to his patient that wanted to do his own stitches","Suture self"
"These reverse cameras in cars are great","Since I got one I haven’t looked back"
"Just met someone who stopped listening to internet radio","They were ex-stream"
"Oh my word. I thought I had her.  Wife: Oh my word.       Me: What's your word","Wife: Oh"
"I would make a joke about this app","But you probably have Reddit before"
"What did the mother grizzly say to her cub","“Don’t go outside in your bear feet"
"Why do ducks have flat feet.  For stomping out forest fires.   Why do elephants have flat feet","For stomping out burning ducks"
"What’s Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable","Baracoli 🥦"
"What do you call a Pig that eats another Pig","Hamibal Lecter"
"Dadjoked my dad pretty badly a few minutes ago.  Dad: Frucknog.  Come in here  Me: What's up.   Dad: open this jar for me, my hands are all wet.   Me: Why do I need to open it, it's already ajar.     We had a good laugh","The rest of my family hates our jokes :("
"Dadjoked by my boss after I sprayed ant poison all around the building.  Boss: I'm gonna call this spray 'Pink Panther'.   Me: Why","Boss: Dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-aaaaaaaaant"
"What did the German say when his clock broke","Ve have vays of making you tock"
"Do you know what elves rely on during political campaigns","Propagandalf"
"What type of songs do planets sing","Nep-Tunes"
"What do you call a bisexual rolling down a hill","A bicycle"
"Just found out that phone bills are higher at the Vatican","Makes sense since a large majority of the people there are mostly Roman"
"This is my sales pitch:","D#"
"Dad: Running around with the fly swatter “I am trying to get Charlie he keeps buzzing in my ear","” Me: “Did you make that name up on the fly"
"What is the nickname of the military officers who are in charge of the military's marching band","The top brass"
"Dads are like boomerangs","I hope."
"My friend was trying to play a video game.  FRIEND: Goodness, what the heck is wrong with my television.  I think the resolution is all screwed up.   ME: Well, you know that most people give up their resolutions by February anyway","(groans and shit"
"Had a cracking joke from recent family holiday to Grenada My parents, girlfriend and I were walking around exploring one of the neighbouring islands when we saw a sign that said  youth recreational grounds  on it, but was just a field full of goats.   My dad exclaims  pretty sure these aren't the youths that the council had in mind   And I retort  either way, I hear it's a great place to bring your kids","Cue groans"
"I recently started a band called 999 megabytes","We’re good but we don’t have a gig yet"
"Harry. Potter dad joke. My dad and sister were discussing how they watched. Harry. Potter the half blood prince today and my dad said,   Well. I only saw half of it so","I guess it was only the quarter blood prince"
"You know what they say about assuming.  It makes an ass out of you and Ming","I don't know who Ming is, probably some poor Chinese lady"
"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana"
"Felt blue so decided to work out. Now","I'm just light blue"
"McDonald's drive thru We're going through the drive through about 9:45PM and my dad orders a soda, a few other things and goes  and a sausage biscuit  and lets out a little laugh, the lady says  sir, we stop serving breakfast at 1030   But it's only 9:45","and turns to the side cracking up, the lady was not as amused as all of us were"
"A female nurse just got a sex change after she became a dad joker.  Just sitting at a computer. I overhear her say,   I have to go give this ass a suppository",""
"Walk into a restaurant with my family and Grandmother asks,  Do you serve crab cakes","My dad jumps in and says,  Sit right down ma'am - we serve everyone"
"My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.    I replied,  No, I don't hate your relatives.  In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine",""
"What's the opposite of November","Yesvember"
"I had an idea to make some dough","But it was only half baked"
"What do you call someone who immigrated to. Sweden. Artificial","Swedener"
"My dad ruined passover with this one.  What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute","- A lil fucker about this high"
"I can't stand vegetarians.  Really","I have no beef with them"
"Told the x-ray technician. I'm made of lead","But she could see right through me."
"My teenage daughter, talking to the cat.  HER:  Why do you always look like you have a stick up your butt","ME:  (in cat voice)  Because I don't have any pockets"
"When I used to ask my dad  Guess what","He would always reply  Chicken butt, ever see one on a turkey"
"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician","He worked it out with a pencil"
"I almost couldn't believe my geniusness My friend tends to spell words differently when texting.  Gym=jeem, with=wiss, said = sed.    It's honestly kind of annoying, until one day she asked me,  Are you bach.   (Are you back).   With which I replied with,  In a minuet","I grew stronger off the awkward atmosphere like superman taking the golden rays of our young sun"
"Did you hear about the gunpowder industry","Its Booming"
"My dad told me this one today","Have you ever wondered why there was only 1 monopolies commission"
"Bananas Did you hear about the beautiful banana lawsuit","They lost, but they're appealing"
"I tried to catch some fog today.  I mist",":("
"Ive found that there are negatives and positives to getting your wisdom teeth removed Unfortunately I can’t eat much of anything for about a week but the good thing is I’ve lost about 8 pounds since the surgery","Who knew they weighed so much"
"I’ve heard about this beautiful woman that can put everyone to sleep…","Her name is Annasthesia"
"Is wonder woman jewish","Because she Israeli hot"
"My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon.  I expect her grammar will improve as a result.","Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon"
"I matched with someone on Tinder at Area 51 We hit it off","Our kids are going to be out of this world"
"Why did the duck go to jail","He was selling quack"
"So, we took our pig to the processor today.  Son: He will live on with us in spirit, at least","Me: Well, for a few months, but then he can live on in spirit out in the septic tank"
"Did you hear about the lovesick frog","He went to ask out the girl frog with butterflies in his stomach"
"Why did the curio cabinet go out on the water at night","Because he was a Star-Skiin' Hutch"
"Conversation with my sons mate Sons mate: I got 90% for my maths test today.    Me: That's great, what was it about.   Him: Volume   Me: What.  I didn't catch that.    Him (slightly louder): Volume   Me: Sorry I couldn't hear you  Him (louder still): VOLUME","I walk off chuckling to myself while he looks confused"
"Friend 1: So how’s your long distance relationship going","Friend 2: So far, so good"
"Younger Brother DadJoked me this morning.  (Having just been woken up)   Me: I'm sleepy.    Him: I'm Doc","(Him: chuckles to himself)      EDIT: Formatting"
"My friend said: so I'll see you at two","Me: Two thirty Him: Well go to the dentist then"
"I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if. I wanted a bag. I said “nah,","I’ll just turn the lights off.”"
"3 strings.  3 strings are wandering in a desert.  After hours of wandering they eventually find a bar.  One string says to the others  hey guys stay here I'll go get us a drink .  He walks into the bar and orders 3 drinks.  The bartender says  sorry kid we don't allow strings here, get out of my bar .  The string sadly walks out of the bar and tells his friends he couldn't get a drink.  One of the other strings says  don't worry guys I got this .  So he puts a sombrero and a fake mustache on and walks into the bar and orders 3 drinks.  The bartender tells the disguised string  sure thing 3 drinks coming.  Hey wait a minute.  You're a a string aren't you.  Get out of my bar.   The string obeys and rejoins his other friends.  He tells them  sorry guys this bartender really doesn't like strings .  Finally, the last string says to his friends  Not to worry fellas I got this, for real this time.  So the strings ties himself and walks into the bar.  The bartender recognizes the string and asks him  Hey you're a string aren't you.   The string replied  No","I'm afraid knot"
"What did the elephant say to the naked man","How can you breath with that little thing"
"The A team and I just made quiche","I love it when a flan comes together"
"An old one my dad uses: How many ears did Davy Crocket have","Three, cause he was king of the wild front ear"
"Got my girlfriend with this over the weekend. As a car with giant subwoofers drove by blaring music and shaking the apartment building, I asked  you know how you buy one of those cars at the dealership.   You just ask for the bass-line model",""
"What disappears every time you stand up.  Your lap","​  /I'll show myself out"
"What did the excited lizard say when he got off the ride","Iguana do that again"
"My cellphone just died","The saddest part is there won't be any service."
"How did the boy whose glasses were stolen find them","He had his contacts"
"I was in an elevator at the bottom floor when two guys came in arguing to each other.  When we got to the top floor, they started to fight","I've never seen something escalate so fast"
"Cliffhanger endings are incredibly frustrating","They just"
"What does a painter do when he is cold","He puts on another coat"
"My friend asked me who can carry gas for him. And","I said jerry can"
"Why did the cow cross the road","To go to the moovies"
"I tried to compete in a stair climbing competition, but I lost in the first round","I guess I better step up my game"
"I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places","He told me to stop going to those places"
"What is a slugs favorite mode of transportation","A Snailboat"
"My dad telling me about  Safe Sex  Go with my dad into my parent's bedroom, he goes under the bed and pulls out a small safe I had never seen before.   Me:  Where did that safe come from.   Dad:  Well, when a mommy safe and a daddy safe love each other very much.    He goes on for a couple of minutes about the courting of these two safes and how one night something magical happened and 8 months later they had a little baby safe","Dad: And now you know all about Safe Sex"
"What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a unicycle","Attire"
"I love the fleeting second of shock you get when you stumble over an extension cord","Seriously, what a power trip"
"Why do chicken coops only have two doors","If they had four, they would be chicken sedans"
"Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar","Batman"
"Even at weddings he is prepared.  We are at a wedding, the bride and groom have yet to walk down the alter when I look at my father.    Me:  Crap.   How much time do I have to go to the bathroom.     Dad:  Pee now or forever hold your piss","All veteran fathers rapidly blew air from their noses"
"How do you catch a polar bear.  First find a frozen body of water, and cut a hole in the ice.  Then line the hole with peas","When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole"
"Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves","Aren't Happy"
"Why don't schools use E's as grades","Because otherwise you could pass the class with ease"
"Warm Clothes.  oh.  i get it.  So, we are going on a trip and I asked what I should pack.   Her: Warm Clothes Me: But my closet is cold, do I have to warm them up in the dryer before I pack them","Her, not amused"
"I really hate it when people say ‘a’, ‘e’, ‘i’, ‘o’, or ‘u’. Doctor says","I have irritable vowel syndrome."
"If I cut off my right butt cheek","Would I be left behind"
"Son: Dad, do you ever eat your steak with the blood still in it.  Dad: I do, Son, but it's *very rare*","🍖"
"How does a rock pee","He Dwaynes his Johnson"
"How could you tell if your dog just gave birth","It is now a parent"
"I have a fear of speed bumps","but I'm slowly getting over them"
"There was a big fight at the seafood restaurant","Three fish got battered"