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TIFU by raising the flag upside down on a military base and causing local farmers to think the base was in distress.

First things first, I am not, and never have been, in the military. This story concerns fifteen year old me when I was a Sea Cadet, which is kind of like Boy Scouts but directly connected to the US Navy. We'd wear the (at the time) blue camouflage US Navy uniforms, with a giant gold sign on our shirts and hats that made clear we weren't actually in the Navy. Like us being literal children wasn't a clue enough... In the summer and school breaks, we could go to camps. You could go on an abbreviated Naval Diver course. You could go to Seabee camp and learn a bit about combat engineering and shoot airsoft guns at each other in training. You could go on a course to learn to defensive drive Humvees, which I used as training hours for my learner's permit. I can't express in words how bizarre and amazing this group was when I was a kid. To do any of these though, you had to go through Sea Cadet basic training camp, which is held at an Air National Guard base in Marseilles (pronounced mars-sall-es), Illinois, in January. AKA, just south of Chicago. In January. Since it was practically completely empty while we were there, but it's still an active military base, someone had to put the flag up in the morning, and take it down at night. And that someone was us, literal children. We had a whole rotation, and there were hundreds of us, and I and my little squad was only slated to do it once during the camp. The local National Guardsman who woke us up earlier than everyone else told us that it was "snowing a little" and when I walked outside it looked like I was walking directly into a glass of milk. It was a blizzard by my rational definition, snow was sticking on the side of my face and underneath my chin. I could have held a cup sideways and taken a drink. I'm from Washington DC, which has the heat and humidity of the inside of a whale, and maybe it will snow once a year in the winter, in which case everything shuts down and we all immediately start crashing into each other. I and the other Washingtonians linked arms as we carried the folded up flag and pathetically waddled over to where we thought the flagpole was. The local guy didn't help at all, I am sure he was laughing at us. We eventually located the flagpole via echolocation. We did an abbreviated, probably not to-spec little flag raising ceremony, and none of us really paid attention because we wanted to get back inside and stop being waterboarded by nature. We also genuinely couldn't see more than about five feet away. In later retellings of this story, everyone else makes sure to clarify that it was my responsibility to actually clip the flag to the flag line. I personally think we were all equally to blame. We all had eyes. This camp did the whole boot camp breakfast thing where you had to eat but you weren't allowed to talk. Just like, two hundred teenagers in a room eating furiously in silence. Sea Cadets was usually pretty fun, it was just the boot camp that was culty LARPing. That's why I was able to hear someone distantly down the hallway yelling "get me the kids who raised the flag this morning NOW." The six of us were marched out of the mess room, and out of our whole designated area, directly into the base commander's office. We knew we were in trouble at this point, but not why, so we were just standing at attention. "I got a phone call this morning" the commander started "asking if we were under distress. Look outside the window." The dawn blizzard had cleared and it was now a blue sky, sunny day. We all turned our heads and saw the American flag, proudly flapping in the wind, entirely upside down. Now normally, regular military officers weren't supposed to order Sea Cadets around. We weren't actually in the military, after all. But for the next several hours, that rule was bent. I learned a lot of obscure history that day. About how, according to tradition, if the US flag is flown upside down over a military base, it's a sign of distress and it means that the base is being overrun. About how the only reason that it's tradition and not a hard rule is that a modern US military base has never been overrun, and a flag has never, to the commander's knowledge, been flown upside down over a base. And now he was the only schmuck in history who's flown an upside down flag. I learned all of this alongside being made to do pushups and sprints as we were being lectured. I was in good shape at the time, I biked to school, played rugby, did Sea Cadet PT on weekends, but fellas I gotta tell you, I was fucking obliterated that day. Incidentally, this is true, nowhere has a flag ever been flown upside down over a US federal government facility except, bizarrely, [in 2023 over the Senate](https://americanmilitarynews.com/2023/05/viral-pic-american-flag-seen-flying-upside-down-over-us-capitol/). So some poor Architect of the Capitol employee and I have something in common. Maybe people who fuck up raising the US flag can only be from Washington DC or something. For the rest of my time at that camp, people were calling me "Oopsie," cause it sounds similar to my real last name. And because my squadmates had pulled a propaganda coup by mentioning the true fact that it was my job to actually attach the flag to the flagpole. TL;DR: I caused the US military to lose a war against a blizzard.

TIFU telling my ex’s wife that he cheated on me… 20 years later (Update)

I’ve never updated before so I hope I did this right. So, I called Polly a little bit over an hour ago and it’s very anticlimactic. I talked to Polly and she wanted to know dates that he was still chasing me. I told her what I could recall and it seems that there was a few months gap between them meeting and his last attempt. I assured her that never once since social media became a thing, did Buzz try to reach out to me. She said that about 6-7 years ago, she found out that Buzz had tried to find me on FB by stalking some of my old friends he knew which added to her paranoia. They went to marriage counseling and all that. Polly was exceptionally… talkative. Apparently, Buzz was a mess. Went deep into alcohol and even screwed around with heroin introduced to him by none other than BFF (who OD’d a few years after all this went down). Polly hated and was hated by BFF and when he tried to come between Polly and Buzz a bit into their relationship, Buzz saw BFF was a massive AH and went NC. She said that she didn’t mean to accost me at the wedding, but she’s always been insecure about me. She was drunk and those first years of insecurity all came back to her. She said I was prettier than her (saw pics that he had stashed away or in family photo albums) while she always felt “deformed” because of a repaired cleft palate (she is very pretty and I reassured her). She said that the family was in disbelief over my very sudden abandonment and a few times shortly into their relationship his family would slip and call her my name, or she’d hear them reminiscing about a family vacation I was on with them, or how good a few dishes I made were. She also said that Buzz did confirm that he cheated followed by a bunch of excuses. I said that I really didn’t care to hear what he told her. I did say that I wish him no ill will and I’m truly glad that he settled down and found happiness, but I’m done with this. I don’t want to reconnect with any family members, I don’t want her calling to commiserate with his wrong doings. I just want to return to our very separate lives. She did ask how I found the strength to just leave like that. I told her that I had an amazing role model (mother), strong support system of family and friends, we had no shared resources to divide, and I have a low tolerance for bullshit. Polly was quiet and said “thank you”. We then hung up. Of course now I’m wondering if she’s thinking Buzz is cheating on her and that’s why she asked me about “strength”. I blocked her again so I’ll never know. I do wish her all the best, but I’m going to return to my apathetic life. Thank you for your support as well as some of your crazy comments (at least they gave me a giggle). I hope that every person knows their worth and has strength to do what they know has to be done. TL;DR: talked to Polly. He cheated. But not while he was dating her. He might be cheating on her now though and I can care less. Oh and BFF OD’d years ago.

TIFU by sending my ex flowers for Valentine’s Day

Ok, to be fair this was yesterday, but still. I’m an idiot. For context, I recently got broken up with after three years in a long-distance relationship. We decided to remain friends. She said she’d still be there for me because she cares about me a lot. However, I noticed she only got more distant with my attempts to reach out, especially after I wrote her a couple letters hoping to reignite our relationship. I did give her space for about a week when I noticed, but that didn’t seem to help much. Here’s where I really fucked up: I had ordered her flowers and candies for Valentine’s Day shortly after our breakup. I figured since we’d still be friends, she’d at least appreciate the gesture, and it would put a smile on her face. Plus, I wanted to make up for the previous year where her gift didn’t make it in time. I was also in a very emotionally charged state when I placed the order. Well they finally arrived, and it was not well-received at all, as she said I crossed a line. Even worse, it looks like I burnt that bridge. She said we shouldn’t talk anymore so we can both move on. Obviously, that hurt a lot, but she did let me get one more word in. I apologized for everything and agreed to leave her alone. Said she was welcome to reach out if she ever felt like it. She thanked me for understanding. So yeah, don’t be like me. I don’t even know what I was thinking. I’m left feeling stupid, ashamed, and regretful. It just goes to show how even the best of intentions can backfire. Guess I did too much, and it cost me. TL;DR: Sent my ex flowers, thinking it would be a kind gesture and made things worse. EDIT: I am well-aware that I need to move on, stop contacting her, and obviously I know what I did was wrong. I know my handling of the entire situation was shockingly bad. Thank you everyone who has given constructive advice.

TIFU by staying on the toilet for too long

I have to admit, this happened a few weeks ago, but the fear that it has unlocked is still haunting me today. All my life, I have suffered from bad stomach issues. As a result, I have spent a large portion of my life on the toilet. Luckily, I'm at the point where I am starting to figure out what foods make me sick, and I actually have the self control to avoid them. All that said, I have grown very accustomed to the phenomenon where you sit on the toilet for so long that your legs go numb. This has happened to me SO many times, I honestly thought nothing of it on this particular night. So, on this certain night, I have the familiar sick feeling, and I go to the bathroom. I was already prepared to be there for a while, so I even brought my Nintendo Switch. As I'm sitting there, I notice that my legs are getting more and more numb. But that's no matter...I'm used to this feeling. When I've finally finished my business, I go to stand up, and immediately fall face down on the floor. My legs were so numb that they just gave out in an instant. I hit the floor so hard that the my mom heard the *bang* from upstairs. My knees caught me, so I ended up on all fours with my pants down. Nobody witnessed it, but it honestly took all of my dignity away in that one moment. I am always cautious now when I feel that numb feeling in my legs...and you should all heed my warning. Make sure you have something to grab if you've been on the toilet for too long. TL;DR: I was on the toilet for so long that my legs became super numb, and I fell face down onto the floor.

TIFU for getting caught trying to get extra pay before leaving my job

Like the title says, I was working a shitty job doing 3am to 1pm from Monday to Friday. About a few weeks prior I had gotten an acceptance to a better job all around. I was going to put my two weeks in but another guy who did got fired on the spot by the president who said "you're either 100% in or 100% out." With all this in mind I decided I would try to have my cake and eat it too. I was gonna call out sick and use a weeks vacation (which I don't get paid out for when I leave) and then after that was secured tell them I started my other job. My downfall was talking with other disgruntled workers that I was leaving. About 3 days into my plan I get a call from my boss asking me about it and I admitted to it. It had a slim chance of working but I'm caught up on the fact that people who were just as upset with the job as I was were still willing to kiss the ring. I'm not mad about it but it's gonna make me wonder for a few days. TLDR I had a plan to call out sick and get paid before leaving my job, but opened my mouth and got snitched on.

TIFU by saying no to my mom because I was too lazy to work

Today started completely normal… I am still a student and had a day off today, so I woke up around 10am and chilled a bit in my bed. Around 11 am I decided to study for an hour and than had lunch with my Mom. For background: My mom is a dentist and a workoholic. I often had to help her at work in the past and everytime when I have a day off of school she takes that free-time away from me by having me come to work. 2 days earlier, I already told her that I don‘t want to work on tuesday (which is today) and we had a small discussion about it. I just don‘t like what I have to do there and I feel very uncomfortable with some tasks. I told her that many times already but am still getting pressured to do those tasks every time which makes me hate it there even more… Anyway; so we had the discussion and it ended with me not going to work on tuesday bcs I want to learn and I feel uncomfortable. Back to today: We ate lunch and had a normal chit chat. I went back to my room after that and started studying again, when suddendly my mother came inside and said: ”We‘re leaving in 5min“. I was shook. But i told myself that she must have ment my sister and herself and kept studying. 5min later she came into my room again and said that we‘re leaving. I was obv still in my pj‘s and totally not ready to go and therefore said: “No mom, I am not coming to work today, We talked abt that a few days ago already“. And that was when everything went down hill. She started screaming at me that I am her daughter and therefore it‘s my DUTY to help her at work and said something about a generational obligation that I have. Before she left, she also said that this will have consequences and that I will have to look for a way to earn money from now on, since she won‘t give me any anymore. I was overwhelmed. She left. My dad came in and also started talking about how this was a bad decision and how I will suffer under the consequences. I started crying and when he left I did SH after being 7 months clean. I didn‘t know what to do so I texted my mom that I will get ready and come to work but she texted me back that I am not welcome there anymore and don‘t deserve it. She wrote the same to my dad. I decided to go there anyway and worked for 2h but only in one of the rooms where my mom doesn‘t need to come in and where she doesn‘t need to see me. I wanted to stay the entire day but my mom told my dad to take me home, SEVERAL TIMES. So i left. On the drive home my dad talked to me how I am such a disappointment since I don‘t want to help my mom at work but also don‘t want to become a dentist later in my life. He also said that I am a spoiled brat and don‘t know how much luck I have to have grown up with a doctor in my family. These words hit hard since I have no dreams, no ambitions, nothing at all to keep me going since years…. i don‘t know what to do after I finish school… but i know that I don‘t want to be a dentist since I am not interested into what comes with it and possibly also because I am being pressured to become a dentist since I was a kid… It was always me who was supposed to take over my mom’s work place. I never had a choice. And now I am again thinking abt killing myself bcs I don‘t know how I should keep living. I am a disappointment and have no idea what to do with my life. TLDR: TIFU by not wanting to go to work and as a consequence my mom hates me, my dad is taking her side and I am not allowed to work at my mom’s place and will not get pocket money ever again. So if I want anything, I am fucked. Also: I am scared that my mom will take away even more from me e.g. my belongings and will not let me go out with friends anymore…

TIFU by doing a butterfly release at my wedding

So didn’t exactly happen today, we’re going on two years now, but I can’t get it out of my head. I’ll preface by saying I had a beautiful wedding, the cake of my dreams, the two dresses of my dreams, live painter, live band, 175 of our closest friends and family. It was everything I wanted. Except… My dad passed away 13 years ago and I knew I wanted to find a way to honor him. There was a time when I was younger where he played the song “Butterfly Kisses” for me and he had us dance to it in the kitchen because he told me he knew he was sick and he wouldn’t make it to my wedding day to dance with me. So, when it came time to actually plan my wedding I knew of course I wanted to honor my dad in some way and the thought of that moment replayed in my mind. A butterfly release seemed like the most beautiful and sentimental way to honor him and have a really cool, unique experience at our wedding. Well, the wedding day was supposed to be in the 70’s and the temperature ended up dropping so much that morning. It rained when that wasn’t in the forecast and overall was just a seriously gloomy day. I didn’t think anything of the butterflies and still just went along with it. Sadly, because of the temperature drop, most of my butterflies didn’t fly away. They were too cold and ended up just falling to the ground. (Not dead, literally just frozen.) We did have a few that flew away but most of them did not. It broke my heart and made me so embarrassed. Not only was I embarrassed that this happened in front of all of our family and friends, but I also felt terrible from a moral standpoint, as well. I got so wrapped in the aesthetics of the wedding, I didn’t stop to think that was probably not a good idea. I feel like everyone was laughing at me and making fun of the situation and still, almost two years later, I feel like I don’t know how to move past it. All of the good stuff from my wedding I feel like is overshadowed by this one stupid thing and it really sucks. I ended up spending about an hour of the reception in the bridal suite having panic attacks, especially since I’m already someone that has crippling anxiety. My husband and I have thought about doing a vow renewal, but aren’t sure how that will go over. We were considering at the 5 year mark inviting about half the people from the original day but making it literally just a big party where we can just enjoy ourselves since we didn’t even dance at our wedding except for like the last 10 minutes when my husband finally convinced me to try and have a few minutes of fun. Anyway, I know it was wrong to do so I don’t need judgment towards it, just needed to get it off my chest and hopefully try to find ways to move past it and get over it. TLDR I had a butterfly release at my wedding and I regret it

TIFU By going on an accidental date with my roomate

I'm not sure how to go about this, I'm still very confused by everything. I'm sitting on my bed making this post still so confused. I've never felt this way about a guy before (I'm also a guy (M24) and I just want help on how to move forward. To start out, the accidental date was with my roommate, my best friend's (M24) brother (M21). All three of us live together. I've only been here about a week and we aren't very close at all, not until today. We all go to the same college as well, but we have different majors. I had a free day so I decided to go say hi to him. I'd never done this before so I wasn't sure how he'd react but he seemed happy to see me, even though we don't interact much. So we talked for a while, then he had to go out and run some errands and I offered to come with him. I didn't realize it at the time but I did kind of make it sound like iIwas asking him out, I don't remember what I said exactly but it did sound very forward, which did make him nervous but I just thought it was because we didn't hang out much. I was such an idiot. So we went around town and ended up spending the entire day together, and we actually had a really good time. Near the end, we were by the side of the road, and I don't know why but this stuck with me the entire night even now I can't forget it. I know it's weird but just trust me. We were both standing on the side of the road and talking when he just stopped and looked at me. He got a weird look on his face and stepped onto the curb. (He's a bit shorter than me) and we were almost at eye level and the look on his face was so cute. I swear I could feel my heartbeat in my entire body. He looked so proud of himself that I wanted to cry. But when we got back to the apartment, he said something that really threw me, when he was going into his room he said "I had fun this was a nice little date," and disappeared. I didn't know it was a date, and honestly, I don't really mind it. He's a great guy, he's sweet, funny, he's cute. I do think I like him but I've never felt this way for a guy. I want to tell him I like him but I need some time. But I don't think I can face him anymore, knowing this. And he's my best friend's brother who also lives with us, so it's pretty uncomfortable. I'm just hoping for advise here, also just to get it out, so what the do I do? ​ TL;DR. I didn't realize I was on a date with my best friend's brother, and I like him too. So what do I do?

TIFU by getting permanent makeup on my lips

I hate wearing lipstick but my lips are really thin and light by itself so I always looked kinda sickly. So I thought why not get PMU on my lips? I looked at a local website and it all looked really good and they even had a discount going on. Awesome! She would draw it by hand first and tattoo it later so I could first see if I liked it. So she drew my lips and asked if I wanted to overline them a bit because my lips are so thin. Sure I said, what's wrong with optically bigger lips? She said go have a look in the mirror, take your time to really get a close look and see if you like them. Be honest, cause if you don't like them we can still change them now. See where this is going? She looked really proud, I looked in the mirror and I nearly gasped. I looked like a clown. Want to take a guess what I said? I said: 'looks good!' So now I got my lips tattooed, it will stay on for at least the next 3 years and I look like a kid that played with her moms makeup and overlined her lips dramatically. I also do this with the hairdresser. I always say I love it and then go home to cry by how much I hate my hair, I should have seen this coming. I'm gonna practice my makeup skills now to cover my mistake up for the next 3 years. Byeeee TLDR: tifu by getting my lips tattooed and saying I loved them when I really didn't. People pleasers unite in the comments ✋️ 🌼EDIT: apparently I'm being overly dramatic. The picture I posted in the comments still looks horrific to me. But maybe my brain just needs a couple of days to adjust cause it looks fine to you all.

TIFU by not offering the right kind of help

I’ve been talking to this girl for about 2 weeks and since we’re in different cities, it was initially impossible to meet before she goes back to the US for her studies. In a surprising turn of events she extended her stay in the country which would mean I can catch her for a day before my vacation abroad so we planned to meet on that day. I was surprised that she wanted a staycation, but I agreed to it since it seems fun. Let’s call this Plan 1. Then as Valentine’s and her birthday come close I decided I’d like to go and spend a few days with her to which she agreed and got us accommodation for a longer staycation. This was supposed to help today. Let’s call this Plan 2. So the schedule is Plan 2 happens before Plan 1. Here’s where the fuck up happens. She was having trouble booking another room for Plan 2 for the night before so that we don’t have to wait for a 3pm check-in when I’m arriving very early in the morning. The problem is her card was having issues - she said she contacted support and will try again later. I’m like okay I can book it for you if you want. She says it’s okay. Later that night she calls me asking for me to transfer money to her bank so she can try and pay for it there to see if the problem is the app or if it’s her card. I said I can’t because I don’t have the money in my account. This account was what I had when I was in college, but my current savings account is at another bank where I did not opt for online banking because they seem to get hacked a lot plus they require a password change like every 2 weeks as a “safety measure.” Anyway, here I thought the problem was with the booking app. She’s contacted support, and any time I asked she said “it’s fine” or “I’m not stressed” or similar, so okay. What else can I do? I offered to book it for her with my card, but she says she doesn’t want me to so I don’t. She ends the call saying she’s disappointed and then gives me the silent treatment. Come morning time, I was still getting the silent treatment and I did not know why. I asked how I can make it up to her, she said there’s nothing I can do. Meanwhile she goes on about how help should be given automatically and not asked for or else it’s not help?? So I was like okay maybe she wants me to book the place without asking her so I did. Then she gets even more mad at me saying I did not ask for her consent. So I canceled it - it’s free cancellation anyway. Now I’m confused af. What is she mad about exactly?? All of a sudden she says she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. This was literally the day before the trip, less than 24h to go. She asked me to call to say good byes. I called and asked what was up and she said she saw red flags so she’s uncomfortable already. I’m like damn okay I’m not going to push it, but I’d at least like to know what I did. She then goes on to say that I did not give her the help she needed the night before. This was even more confusing since I know I tried my best and offered alternatives to which she rejected. Any time I would explain she would be mad like “see it’s always ‘I thought’ or ‘ifs and buts’ when I was very clear and there shouldn’t be misunderstandings. It’s not my fault you misunderstood what I needed.” All the while I was still there thinking about what the fuck she actually wanted from me. So I asked her what she wanted or expected and she says nothing and goes on about how she needed help, but I didn’t give her the right kind of help. For example if she needed water I was giving her food. I was still confused after, but by this time I’m super turned off by how unclear the communication is. I ask her if she 100% wants to call it off for sure, and she says yes. I don’t protest or fight against it which leads to another “if you wanted to, there would be no ifs or buts.” I’m sitting there thinking “girl, I can’t force you to like me if you don’t want to anymore wtf lmao” I canceled my flight, the bookings were non-refundable setting be back around $450. I feel like a dumbass. Expensive lesson learned. As it turns out what she wanted was help with her card to figure out what was wrong, and not help with the booking. I don’t understand why she couldn’t have just clarified that, but whatever. Besides, I wouldn’t know what else to do regarding that. She’s already contacted support for it. It sucks that not having enough money in my one bank account is what caused all this. As a reminder, I have not maintained this account in years but it was what I had online banking access to. It’s so inactive I got 2-3 letters in 7 years to withdraw or deposit so they don’t deactivate it lol. TLDR; Girl I was talking to had trouble with booking accommodation using her card when it worked twice previously. She asked for an online transfer to see if it’s just her card, I didn’t maintain that bank account either so I had no money in it. Instead I offer alternatives like booking it myself, she refuses, gives me the silent treatment, and calls everything off because I did not provide her with the correct help. She wanted help with her card, not the booking I later find out after she calls it off.

TIFU by making an interactive Valentine's Day card for my wife

Welp, this is what I get for dialing it in... I'm an Algebra teacher by day, drive-thru operator by night, and hopeless romantic in every spare moment I get. I used to be super creative with my gifts of love, like handcrafted soaps in the letters of my love's name, a list of 23 reasons why I love her (before lists were super cool or whatever; okay maybe this one isn't so creative, but *she* loved it), cute drawings including her favorite cartoon characters and colors, all that jazz. Since I got into teaching, I've gotten into the habit of stealing ideas from the school setting, or using gift cards given to me to regift to the Mrs. Even these go over pretty well. She ain't picky, she knows I love her. This time around, however, not only did I let the cat out of the bag a bit early, but come to find out that this cat happens to be one she is severely allergic to, manifesting as a snarky/angry/argumentative rash. Downright sardonic, tbh. I have awakened a side of this woman I've rarely seen, and never in my last decade and a half of marriage (the first five years of marriage, sure... I was an azzhole). I should have thought about this one. The idea I had was, again, a copy of an idea I received as a teacher. Each teacher received a Bingo card from the Social Committee, and each space had an issue or situation that teachers have to deal with on a regular basis, like "received a 500+ word email from a parent", "fell asleep at a meeting", or "technology issues during a formal evaluation" (shortened to Tech Fail during Eval to fit the space). It was pretty creative, and each email we got called a "number" that was a specific situation, and the winner won a prize the first to Bingo. Well, I got the brilliant idea to make a similar Bingo Card called "Op's Wife Bingo!", making up categories for each space based on things that are legitimate stresses she has to deal with on the regular or things that's specific to her. I made a Legend where if she gets a Bingo she picks 3 additional chores for me to do, coverall being Ladies' Choice, and four corners being \_\_\_opoly (a certain version of Monopoly, but if she lands on Free Parking she has to roll the dice and put one of six body parts on one of six of mine {rolling two six sided dice}. If I land free parking it's the opposite, etc. Now *that* was a fun present for both of us) . Here is the crux of the FU: The categories/spaces I chose: "Lose at Bunco", "Hit Snooze one too many times", "Argue in a Grocery Store", "Talk to a sleeping Man", "Yelling Names", "Unpaid Uber day", "Last minute change of plans", "Huh?", "Credit Card Juggling", "Scoop Cat Litter", and a few more that are even lower stakes (so I thought). Another part of the FU was that I was using my laptop, literally on my lap during our shows (*Law and Order: Organized Crime*), and I chose to switch tabs to "OPWifey Bingo" to add a couple more categories that I haven't thought of yet. This caught wifey's attention, so she leaned over to look as I inched it away from her like I was looking at Cornhub. She smiled for a second, then after about three seconds she frowned, stared at me, then leaned back in her seat, looking defeated. I looked at her the way a dog looks at his owner the first time said owner farts. I was confused, I suppose. I didn't say anything about being confused, but she evidently sensed it, so she dug right in, saying "Look, *you're* the only reason I fight in the grocery store, I yell the names because it's the only way kids get up, and I hit snooze because I'm exhausted, OKAY???!!!". She then categorically defended every square with precision, I swear to gawd in order, top to bottom, left to right. It was impressive. I've never been so amazed whilst being assigned a new sleeping surface. I could say that I hit a nerve, but evidently I've managed to hit *all* of them. As she aggressively loads the dishwasher, I wonder what sort of miracle it's going to take to fix this spousal PR nightmare before actual Valentine's Day. As you can read, the fallout is continuously falling as I type this. Updates to follow. TL;DR- I made what I thought was a cute little Valentine's game for my wife. It hurt her feelings in every possible way, and now I'm doing damage control. ​ ​ ​

TIFU telling my ex’s wife that he cheated on me… 20 years later

I was going to post this on AITA but I really don’t think I am and even if I was I don’t care. Through a strange twist of fate I was at a wedding this weekend with my ex bf (Buzz fn) and his wife (Polly fn) For context, we dated 20 years ago. I was 21 when we broke up and he was 26. We dated for 2 years. I was very close to his family during this time but after the very sudden break up, left without an explanation. This was before the era of social media. Hell, I think I might have had a Nokia I occasionally used when I remembered to buy minutes. So we couldn’t instantly get in touch with people, nor did we know wtf was going on in everyone’s lives. At the wedding, I see him and his entire family. I didn’t realize that my friend was marrying into the family (different names and really didn’t talk to the groom much). It was a shock to everyone. I expected awkwardness at the reception but his family was being cool to me which was strange, but whatever. I’m not one to force myself on to someone if I’m not wanted (important for later). Eventually, Polly is trashed and pulls me aside. She wants to “thank me” for leaving Buzz alone after our breakup. I’m thrown by the strange comment but drunk people say strange things. I say, “yeah. No problem.” She continues to say, “he was heartbroken when you cheated, but I convinced him you were just a whore and to get over you.” I laughed and said, “what are you talking about? He cheated on me because I chose studying for a final instead of going out and getting drunk.” I left the reception without another word to anyone on his side of the family. I went over and kissed my friend goodbye citing a migraine which I am prone to get. No drama. Now family members who got my cell number from our mutual friend or found me on fb are messaging me like crazy. Rewind 20 years ago, when learned about the cheating the very next day from his bff who hated me. I called Buzz for the truth and he said “I’m coming home now. We’ll talk in a few. Don’t do anything stupid”. That told me all I needed to know. So I got my few items I kept at his place and left before he got there. Like I said earlier, I’m not going to force myself if I’m not wanted. Buzz didn’t want me otherwise he wouldn’t have done that, so why bother with waiting for the fucking excuses. For months later I refused to answer calls. When he came to my dorm, he was immediately denied admission and escorted out as I had him put on a “no visitor list” (he wasn’t a student). Apparently for these last 20 years, his family that loved me was told that I was a cheating whore and his bff who masterminded the whole cheating setup, seconded Buzz’s story. Now, everyone is pissed at him for hurting me and lying to them for 20 years. They’re trying to full story but I just keep saying “it’s 20 years ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m good and Buzz is good.” Some family has apologized for icing me out at the wedding and spreading the rumors. Polly though is freaking out. She’s convinced that because he cheated on me, he’ll cheat on her and keeps calling me for more info. Our last conversation I said that I was blocking her and have. She tried to call me from an app though a few times but I’m just not picking up numbers I don’t know at this point. TL;DR. Saw an ex boyfriend at a wedding and spilled the beans he cheated on me. Family is angry with him… 20 YEARS LATER. EDIT: Attempting to recall a conversation I had over 20 years ago where I was shaking and about to vomit all the while attempting to sound confident… it was like Me: “Buzz. Just tell me the truth, did you cheat on me when you went out with bff?” Buzz: sigh* (and we all know what that sigh is… it’s resignation and a last ditch attempt to get your thoughts in order. It was the sigh that told me everything I needed to know). “Crazymastiff, I’m going to leave work now and we’ll talk when I get home. Don’t do anything stupid, I’ll be right there. I love you.” - It is possible that Polly is who he cheated on me with. I don’t know. I wish them the best though. They’ve been together for at least 18 years. - Buzz was not under the impression I ever cheated. - I’d imagine that Buzz had to tell his family something since I disappeared so suddenly. I think he just tried to save face and his bff was there to back up the lie. I do not know the full story of that conversation or who it was told to. - I have no idea what happened to bff - Again, over 20 years ago. I’m more WTF than I am upset. I’m sad that his father who I was close to died believing that I did that, but other than that… I don’t really care. Edit 2: ok. You guys are putting forth some excellent questions that I’m not sure about. I unblocked Polly and reached out through text. I said that I’m sorry for blocking her but 20 years ago, I was broken and it hurts to relive that no matter how healed we are. I didn’t appreciate being cornered at an already horribly awkward situation and called that, but I can call her after work later. Edit 3: I posted an update in another post because I am a dinosaur and don’t know how make links in Reddit (and I didn’t know if there’s a character limit). I am old. Rawr. 🦖

TIFU sending a snapchat to my whole class

So my life is practically over. This happened yesterday and I don't even want to go back to school, someones gonna have to drag me back to that place. And before anyone makes the comment, yes I know this is my fault completely I am just venting a little bit to try help me feel better about the whole situation haha. Anyways I was sending pics to my bestie in the morning and I ended up sending a really embarrassing picture to her but instead of sending it just to her I must have still been half asleep and clicked select all and sent it to everyone in my snapchat contacts. I have like at least half the math class on my snapchat which also happened to be my first class for that day. The worst part is I didnt even realise what I had done because I pressed send and locked my phone and went to have a shower, and I have long showers too haha so after I got out my phone was BLOWING UP with snaps from everyone. They mainly consisted of people sending me the laughing emoji or calling me an idiot for sending it to them. You can unsend snaps now on snapchat so I was going through as fast as I could to delete the snaps for people who hadnt opened it yet, which wasnt many, pretty much everyone opened it. I dont really want to say exactly what the picture was because I am still trying to recover from the whole thing but it was definitely not a picture you want sent to your whole snapchat list. Maybe I will say what it was in another post later but yeah anyways continuing with my story, I was already running late for school so I practically ran out the house with my hair still wet and just made it to the bus on time. When I got to math class everyone was staring at me and giggling, some of the guys made comments as well until the teacher pulled me out of the class and asked me what was going on. I told her what happened and she just told me to be more careful with who I send pictures to, ugh like, duh, obviously I didnt mean to but yeah that was my morning yesterday! yay for me TL;DR: I sent a embarrassing pic to my entire math class by accident.

TIFU by not changing the pdf title of my project

I had a project I was assigned to for a class to do on black history month. My teacher assigned all of us to either do the project by hand or on Canva. I chose to do Canva and make my project on there. The topic was to choose a famous black person for black history month. Most of the templates aren’t free on Canva, so when I clicked on one since I liked the text it used, the website told me it was premium. No problem, I’ll use another template over the premium one, right? Wrong. I finished my project, downloading the PDF to my drive. I emailed it to my teacher and noticed I immediately got an email back about the PDF heading. The heading was “chocolate day.” My teacher is now under the impression that I’m racist. 🤦‍♀️ TL;DR - forgot to change the unfortunate title of my project for black history month, now my teacher thinks I was being racist.

TIFU by not charging my phone from overeagerness

This happened literally about an hour ago as of writing this post and it is completely destroying me on the inside in ways that are leagues past unhealthy and destructive. So, small context, i am a 26 year old man who is the pinnacle of 'meh, acceptable' in looks. Suffice to say, dating life is a never resting beast to fight with. For years I have had a perfect 100% rejection rate. Its so fucking bad not even phishing bots and passport-wives from thailand want to even match with me. It got to my head very badly because I am unfortunately not a solidary person. I need company, I need other people in my life. So for a dozen years I have been seeing a local psychologist to cope with the oppressive loneliness and eternal feeling of not belonging in this world via not being wanted by anyone in it. Well, earlier today that streak *finally* broke. For the first time in so, so long, someone has an interest in me. A real woman, no bot, no catfishing scammer, no funny business. No, a genuine deal that thinks im her type and wants to hook up. HOOK UP, WITH ME OF ALL PEOPLE!! I am **BEAMING**, fellas. I thought finally, my time has come, life finally wants to go up for a change. Well, I should have known. We agree to meet, but we specify no details because shes impatient and im as giddy as a whole kindergarden being told they get unlimited sweets all day. And heres the FU. I was so giddy and excited I forgot to charge my phone the entire time we talked. So I go to the agreed location to meet with only 7% battery. My dumbass did not think for a second to charge it at least for a few minutes, and because we constantly text while she is on her way, I am also neglecting to save up on my battery. So... as expected, my phone dies out. I panic to extremes. I repeatedly try to turn it back on but nope, it will not let me even get past the pin code before shutting off again. I cant tell her my exact location or that my battery is dead. My panic worsens considerably. People are giving me weird looks cuz I am heaving and pacing around like a druggie expecting cops any second. I do the next most immediate idea I can think of and ask nearby people for help. Obviously, with the way I am acting, nobody wants to trust me with their phones. Okay, I run home as fast as I ever ran in my life, plug the charger in, but my dumbass phone will not stay turned on below 3% charge for some reason. I found out the hard way through repeatedly turning it on, blitzing the pin as fast as I can and rushing onto Tinder, but it turns off before I can get a message out. FINALLY, after the 7th attempt (yes, I kept count and yes, I was that desperate), it stays on and I get a message out... but by then it was almost half an hour past our agreed meeting time and she went home furious and disappointed, thinking I was a no show. I wrote her what happened and apologized, but shes left me on read while being online the whole time, so now I am feeling absolutely broken and like shit and dont know how to process it by myself and currently have no one to talk to so im venting it here because its literally the only place I can think of to get it out of me. TL;DR: Broke my loneliness streak with a planned hookup, didnt charge phone and it dies just before meeting, lack of communication causes us to miss each other quite literally and she thinks im a no show. So now im a complete wreck and years of therapy were undone in less than an hour.

TIFU by looking disgusted when my elementary school bully caught me in his video selfie

I went to visit my hometown to hang out with some old friends during a Super Bowl party. A lot of kids from when I was in school were there, including my bully from elementary school. He used to bully the shit out me. My parents used to say it was his way of showing he liked me. But the bruises he left me taught me otherwise. So I did my best to avoid him at the party, even when he tried to chat me up. The fuck up. I was with my friends. We were just chatting and laughing about what we’ve been doing with our lives. Out of the corner of my eye, I turned and saw my bully taking a video selfie. Instinctively, I stopped smiling, cringed, and turned away from him. I really did not like that guy. When the party was over, and I was heading home, I got a text with my friend with a Facebook link. It was a video my bully slowly panning across the party smiling gleefully. When he caught my attention and I gave him a disgusted look before turning away, his smile vanished, the screen flashed grey, slowed down, and depressing music played. The comments are just as you expect. It was mostly people telling him to keep his crown up and that I’m a bitch, etc etc. It was pretty humiliating. I reported the video to Facebook. But it’s still up, and keeps growing in views and comments. TLDR: childhood bully caught me in his video selfie. I stopped smiling, cringed, then looked away. Now I’m in a sadposting like video.

TIFU by selling a prized possession during a moment of panic.

Like many people 2023/2024 has not been kind to my husband and I. He lost his job due to layoffs January of 2023 and has been doing nothing but job hunting since. He has made it to several final rounds of interviews only to have something go wrong at the last minute. Budget cuts, other candidates, even one time where a natural disaster destroyed the office of the company he was applying for. I don’t make enough to keep us afloat. I was fired from my dream job and while I have been lucky enough to find something it doesn’t pay as much. We’ve been steadily burning through our savings and today I checked to see that I only have $200 left. The utilities are auto drafted from my account. Even if that covers bills we will have no money left for food. I’ve never been this poor before. I panicked. Having sold most of my stuff already I scoured the house for something I could sell for quick cash. Eventually I resigned myself to sell my old midnight purple 3DS (a childhood gift from my father) and Animal Crossing New Leaf game. This game was a gift my husband gave me when we first started dating. I needed to move away for several months to attend trade school and we used the game to “visit” each other. I had been growing and cultivating this tiny village for over 7 years. It was a second home to me. All the characters greeted me with smiles and the promise that tomorrow would be something worth getting excited for. It was my comfort in dark times. A reminder of the amazing man who loves me. I foolishly wiped the data before taking it to the store. Both the system and the game. I knew the game wasn’t highly sought after but I stupidly assumed that because the system was a rare color I’d at least get $100. Enough to buy food and keep the lights on. I was wrong. I barely got $50. I had destroyed almost a decade of work, hours of love and care poured into a game that basically represented my most important relationship, for $50. Not even enough to buy food. The worst part being I couldn’t take it back because the data was already gone. I quietly accepted the cash and went home. Only to breakdown crying in my kitchen. I was so stupid. The trade was completely not worth what I had sacrificed. My husband came to comfort me and I had to tell him what I had done. He was hurt and angry that I hadn’t talked to him about it first. In his eyes me selling the game he had given me was like be throwing away our whole relationship. That I was giving up. That he had failed. I was trying to collect some quick cash to keep us going. Instead I destroyed something that meant the world to both of us. I destroyed his will to keep going. I took away one of the few things I had left to get me through this dark time. The worst part is that I didn’t even get enough money to solve our immediate problem, and there is no way to get back what I sold. TLDR; I sold a video game that held enormous sentimental value for grocery money. In my stupidity I erased the data before finding out how much I’d get for it. Defiantly didn’t get enough to be even remotely worth it.

TIFU by making my friend blow up a balloon

Ok, firstly let’s get the obligatory “happened many years ago” out the way and I thought here would be a good place to share and make my confession as I just have with my friend who shall remain nameless. As 10 year old kids we would often play outside in the summer and growing up in England the summers were often spent in the local park playing games such as hide and seek or bulldog, group games that many of the local kids would participate in until the late hours. One summer weekend a group of us were out playing hide and seek, one person would close their eyes and count to 30 while the others would hide around the park before being hunted and caught. So the count started…. My friend and I decided to run for the trees and over a fence. We made a break for it and as we both jumped over the fence and landed my friend found something. He shouted over to me, look I found something and held up a balloon. We laughed and I dared him to blow it up. And so he took a big deep breath and put his lips against the balloon and blew, the balloon inflated… but as he went to take another breath he choked a bit! I asked what was up!? He said he swallowed something from watery that was in the balloon but carried on blowing it up! He let it go and off it went into the air. We carried on and went to our hiding spot thinking nothing about it. Now, some years later after discovering women and going through puberty, I also discovered that a familiar item was involved. I remember telling my then gf they looked like balloons, she laughed and said no they don’t why do you say that. And then it clicked!!! Yep, you guessed it. My friend blew up a condom… and that substance, well you guess that too, just like I did. He swallowed cum! Cue fits of hysterics and shock all in one. Now, many years had passed and I didn’t tell my friend. We were still close and often went the pub together. It was only recently we were playing drinking games one night and confessions that I remembered the story and finally told my friend what happened. He took a moment to process it and I’m not sure if it was horror or recalling the memory but either way I got a punch to the arm. He did find it funny though and has forgiven me for making him blow up the balloon. You could say he gave his first blow job! TL:DR I dared my friend to blow up a balloon but it turned out to be a used condom with baby sauce he accidentally swallowed.

TIFU by cleaning my shower’s drain

So yesterday I played disc golf with some friends at probably the nicest course in my state. It had two 18 hole courses, a brewery, etc. We played 36 holes straight, got some brews and ate, then headed our separate ways. I get home and I’m disgusting and musty. So I go to take a shower. I undress, turn on the faucet and wait for it to get warm and notice that the slightly-slow-to-drain faucet I’ve had lately seems like an actual clog. The water level is staying at about 3 inches on the bottom of the tub. So, I think, I should just do some baking soda and vinegar and plunge the drain. I do so, and plunge the drain and it seems to alleviate the issue mostly. In my ADHD brain, I figure there’s no roommates home and it should be quick so I just wrap a towel around myself doing this, walking back and forth to the kitchen. Since I’ve been doing this rigamarole every few months (I rent, I think there’s a deep hair clog in the pipes from years of tenants), I decide to simply boil some water and pour it down the drain. I’m sick of dealing with clogs and it’s worked for me in the past! I figure it will be a double-whammy on the clog. I boil some water and chill watching a YouTube video in the living room (still in my towel) and check on the water, it’s at a simmer. I wait a couple minutes for it to boil, and I turn off the burner and pick up the pot. As I’m doing so, I notice my roommate has just pulled in the driveway and realize it’s kind of inappropriate for me to just be in a towel. I start to walk to the bathroom and my towel starts to fall. Between not thinking, and it being a poor decision to begin with… I both panic and go to pick up the towel AND realize I’m about to spill a 16 cup pot of boiling water on myself. I trip on the towel while I’m also somewhat reaching for the towel with one hand (as I’m holding the pot) and, of course, I end up splashing water directly onto my genitals. About 8 cups worth. Of boiling water. In my quick thinking, I put down the remaining bit on the stove and rip off the towel in a quick ass motion and start literally slapping the water off of me in a panic. (Quick thinking NOW but not 500 milliseconds before, cool!) I immediately call my mom. I don’t know why. I’m a 24 year old man, I had just burned my stomach, groin and legs… and my first instinct is to call my mom. My skin is immediately red and it strings Really Bad. While on the phone, I deliberate with my mother on if I should go to the hospital. I’m googling “boiling water burns” and all signs point to going to the hospital (more than 10% of my body, on joints, on genitals). I see pictures online of a man who did the same thing and is missing all the skin even on his penis in a hospital bed and panic even more. But as I hop in the shower and have the water on a cool temperature, I notice the pain is going away… and I decide to just tough it out. I update my mom and tell the girl I’m seeing what happened for a laugh once I calmed down. (I look down with delight as I notice the shower is draining perfectly fine.) I got out of the shower and inspected… I got very lucky. Only 1st degree burns to my knowledge. Hours later the pain has gone down significantly, and no blistering has occurred. However, since I was facing post-outdoors winter sport shrinkage… the burns on my “member” now resemble the stripes on a tube sock. TLDR; tried to clean shower drain with boiling water while in a towel, and tripped with the pot, burning my genitals, legs and stomach. My penis now unironically looks like SpongeBob SquarePants’s leg (if he hit leg day every day - ha).

TIFU by losing my usb key

So after getting my literature degree I just kinda stopped reading and writing stuff. During the winter holidays I suddenly got started on a writing project despite not writing anything in a long while. Subject is high fantasy prostitution. It's bascically porn you read for the plot. Main character actually gets intimate with a dragon at some point. You've got gay porn, dragon porn, spider porn, freed slave doing bdsm with her ex master porn. You get the jist. It's not stuff you can show to just anyone. The document has 50k words over 100 pages at the moment. I, of course, decided it was a good idea so have a backup in my usb just in case since the project was getting somewhat sizable. I no longer have that usb. I probably forgot to unplug it from the computer in one of my classes (I do tech stuff now). I asked around but nothing came up. Maybe someone found it, maybe they just deleted it without reading. Worst case scenario they read it and they know it's my usb since I asked around about it. Worst case scenario they won't even give me any feedback. So um... if you found it... what did you think? TL;DR I probably lost it in some classroom. On it are some programming files. Oh and also a 100 pages word document I wrote about high fantasy prostitution.

TIFU by splashing acid on the tip of my penis

So this was a little while ago (it took me some time to recover) ... I have bad kidneys so my nephrologist makes me regularly do what are called 24 hour urine collections; you are given a ten litre plastic bottle, containing some hydrochloric acid (there's a long winded scientific reason why this is done but it's not important for this story), and you urinate into it for 24 hours, and then return the bottle to the pathology centre for testing. I had to do this on a weekday so brought the bottle into the office with me, left it in a bag in the disabled toilet with a note saying "Do Not Touch" and started the regular trek between my desk and the toilet (I have to drink about 8 litres a day so it's a lot of toilet visits). Late in the afternoon the bottle is getting full and I'm in the process of making it fuller when I get splashback on the tip of my penis. I don't think even Shakespeare is capable of describing how eye-wateringly painful getting even diluted hydrochloric acid on the tip of your penis is. Fortunately, I was in the disabled toilet so my screams were muffled and I was able to stagger to the basin and put my penis under the stream of cold water. I can't remember how long I stood there, splashing water over my penis while crying in pain and damning the litany of poor life choices that led to this moment. Eventually I turned the water off, very gently patted my penis dry with paper towels and staggered back to my desk, unaware that the front of my trousers were soaking wet. I then collapsed in my seat, having lost the function of speech, while desperately looking for something alkaline to stick my penis in. Sadly no one had a turnip on their desk. Work colleagues took one look at the profusely sweating, whimpering man with the saturated trousers and wisely kept their distance. I **don't** think there is any long term damage to the ol' Hammer of Justice but don't mind me if I sit out any upcoming orgy invitation (not that I have been invited to any in the past). TLDR: Foolishly splashed penis with fucking hydrochloric acid of all things while in a disabled toilet at work. I don't know if I'll ever walk properly again. ​ ​

TIFU by possibly ruining my own engagement

Correction: TIFU by possibly ruining my own *proposal* *ETA at the end Boyfriend and I share electronics and last night I was using the ipad and accidentally downloaded an image of a template I was working on. I meant to export it to another app. I exported it then went to the photo library to delete the image, since it was a mistake and doesn’t need to be backed up to icloud. As I’m there I can see the whole camera roll (which is, you guessed it, connected to his icloud) and I see pictures of an engagement ring. Of course curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on the pictures to view them larger and make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me (they weren’t). Now I don’t know what to do. I feel guilty. Do I just act like it didn’t happen? Do I say something? TL;DR- TIFU by ruining my own proposal by seeing pictures of engagement rings on my boyfriends ipad (we share electronics, the ipad is connected to his icloud) ETA- Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything to him right now. I might say something after the fact, once it can be a laughable moment, but for now I’m gonna act like I didn’t see it. Also, I plan on saying yes. We joke about not being married all the time. I say stuff about how all our friends are gonna be married before I am and he rolls his eyes and says stuff about how his friends are making him look bad. The ironic part? We’re going on a trip in a few months that he planned all on his own and surprised me with and at first I didn’t think much more of it (this was a few months ago) but recently I started to wonder if it was “just a fun trip” or “something more.”

TIFU by being an asshole back to someone

Earlier today I got off the train and when I tried to go on the escalator someone pushed me and wiggled in front of me which almost made me fall. When I got off the escalator the girl was just standing in the middle of the hallway so I bumped into her out of pettiness. As I was walking through the station I felt something on my back, she slapped my back and yelled at me ‘why did you push me’, over and over. I replied that she was an asshole before to me and she pushed me on the escalator, a friend of hers was filming the whole interaction of her shouting ‘why did you push me’ over and over and me defending myself. Eventually she threw her water bottle in my face and I just got out of there. So yeah I know I shouldn’t have been petty in the first place, I was already having a bad evening and kind of projected my frustrations on someone being an asshole to me and being one back, which blew up in my face. :/ Now I’m getting over the shock and disappointed in myself for reacting that way and just kind of losing my faith in humanity even more.. TL;DR : someone was an asshole to me, I was petty back and they doubled down on their actions and shouted and hit me while their friend filmed it. Edit: people saying I should’ve punched her and been more aggressive, I was carrying a huge luggage with me filled with valuables and wasn’t in the mood of it being kicked or taken by her, if I wasn’t carrying that I have no idea how I would’ve responded, but I’m not an aggressive person.

TIFU by yelling at someone who was having a seizure

My football coach (highschool) is obsessed with showing support for our school. Yesterday was our school’s Senior Night, so my coach wanted the whole football team to watch the basketball game. The basketball team was playing our rivals, so the spectator stands were packed. A player on our school’s team stole the ball, and so he had an open layup. He went up, and whiffed so bad, I’m certain that Hellen Keller would have been more accurate. After he missed, he instantly sank to the ground and just kind of laid there. My dumbass decided to yell, “Get back on D!” multiple times before anyone realized what happened. The head of athletics at our school made me leave because he thought I was making a joke out of the player seizing, I have three two-hour detentions, and the whole school probably hates me. TL:DR: A basketball player started seizing on the court, and I yelled at him to get back on defense.

TIFU by Accidentally Sending a Love Letter to My Boss Instead of My Girlfriend

So, this literally happened yesterday, and I’m still cringing at the thought of going back to work on Monday. A bit of context: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about six months now, and things have been going great. We’re both a bit old-fashioned, so we like sending each other handwritten letters every now and then, just to keep the romance alive, you know? Anyway, I spent the better part of Sunday evening crafting the perfect love letter. I’m talking about pouring my heart and soul onto this piece of paper, confessing my deepest feelings, and even including a couple of (what I thought were) pretty steamy paragraphs. I sealed it in an envelope, ready to be mailed first thing in the morning. Monday morning comes, and I’m in a bit of a rush. I grab the letter from my desk, along with a bunch of documents that I needed to hand over to my boss. My mind’s already on the busy day ahead, so I’m not paying much attention to what I’m doing. Fast forward to the afternoon, my boss calls me into his office with a very… interesting look on his face. He hands me an envelope – the envelope – and asks if I meant to give this to him. My heart sank. I immediately realized what had happened. In my morning rush, I’d mixed up the envelopes and handed him my love letter instead of the documents. Thankfully, my boss is a pretty cool guy. He laughed it off, saying he was flattered but happily married. He even joked about my “impressive” choice of adjectives. I wanted to disappear right then and there. So yeah, that’s how I ended up accidentally confessing my undying love to my boss instead of my girlfriend. I’ve since rewritten the letter (and triple-checked the recipient this time). As for my girlfriend, she found the whole ordeal hilarious once the initial mortification wore off. TL;DR: Mixed up my envelopes and accidentally sent a steamy love letter to my boss instead of my girlfriend. Survived the ordeal with my job intact, but my ego’s definitely seen better days.

TIFU by dabbing 91% isopropyl alcohol into my vagina

this is honestly kind of a two “TIFU”’s in one. i accidentally gave myself a yeast infection from using one of my sex toys. i usually use toy cleaner before running it under some hot water but this time i used regular hand soap instead. i wash my toys before and after each use. had some fun one night, woke up the next day with oncoming symptoms of a yeast infection. my vagina hurt, it was a lil itchy, and i felt like i constantly had to wipe myself. i was in the bathroom, doing exactly that. when i finished, i turned around and noticed the alcohol sitting on the shelf. i thought to myself, well what exactly *is* a yeast infection? a FUNGAL infection. and what is 91% isopropyl alcohol? an antiseptic. perfect, this was a no brainer. i ripped off a piece of paper towel and got it soaked with the alcohol. i threw my foot up on the counter, confident in the fact that i had outsmarted the infection. i needed the leverage to get real deep in there. i pressed the paper towel into my vagina. before i even got the chance to pull the paper towel away, i immediately regretted every decision i had made leading up until this point. my vagina was BURNING. BAD. this was a horrible idea. it just kept getting worse. i thought my vagina was going to swell shut. i ripped off a new piece of paper towel and soaked that one with water, dabbed with that instead. it felt like satan was clawing at my insides. hell was metaphorically my vagina in that moment. this went on for about 5-10 minutes. i cringe thinking back to the sounds i was making, the whimpers and pleads for help to no one. ended up just going to walmart and got a monistat-3 in shame. TL;DR i put alcohol on my vagina to help stop a yeast infection and i burned myself instead.

TIFUpdate: being my friend's back up during his break up

**Recap:** Last time I used this account was to share the story of my friend who wanted me to back him up while his ex gf was at his apartment to collect her belongings. My friend believed that my presence would prevent his ex from doing anything crazy, but he was wrong. She used my presence to manipulate my friend into thinking that I banged her behind his back when the two of them were still together. My friend instructed his ex to leave his apartment and then he made me leave too. I was unable to fully convince my friend that I never touched his ex, but I was positive that he would eventually realize that his ex was fucking with his head and that I was innocent. **Update:** My friend and his ex gf somehow managed to reconcile and resurrect their relationship. I've taken showers that lasted longer than their so called "break up." My friend was proud to tell me about his rekindled romance in person and in the company of his ex ex gf. The three of us were back in my friend's apartment where it all went wrong not so long ago. It was bizarre. My friend and his gf appeared to be madly in love again and wanted me to understand that peace had been restored in their relationship. Both of them were very apologetic about what happened to me during their break up and very excited to make me a peace offering in the form of an invitation to get high with them. I asked when and where and what were we taking. The when was last night. The where was my friend's apartment. The what was magic mushrooms. I learned that my friend's gf was actually the one who suggested that we reconnect with the help of recreational drug use, which was out of character for her because she never made an effort to get to know me before, much less get high with me. But, there we were, tripping and talking and enjoying the vibe. My friend's reaction to the shrooms was constant laughter whereas me and his gf had a more visual experience. The two of us often stared at each other and explained what we were seeing when we focused on the other person's face. I described how I could see her hair growing in front of my eyes while she described how abnormally big my mouth was compared to my face. I asked my friend's gf if she was aware that my friend made me show him my butt to confirm whether or not she might have used her teeth to mark her territory on my ass when we were supposedly hooking up in secret. My friend's gf acted like she was totally shocked to hear that information and asked me if my friend did a thorough inspection to check for the bite marks. My friend, who was still laughing his ass off for no reason, jumped in at that point to remind his gf that she apparently promised him that she would never bring up the bite marks on the butt and the cheating stuff again, especially not in front of me. My friend's gf fired back by reminding my friend that she didn't bring it up, I did, which made me feel compelled to awkwardly raise my hand and take the blame for bringing up the bite marks. My friend said he was keeping an eye on me. It was unclear at the time if he was warning me or teasing me because, like I said, he was laughing, almost to the point of crying, so it was difficult to distinguish between silly and serious. That being said, the following morning, which is now where I'm from, my friend made it easier for me to understand how he was feeling. He called me to explain how challenging it was for him to watch me with his gf. He was referring to all the moments when his gf was looking at me and I was looking at her while we were all tripping. He said he realized that he actually preferred the way it used to be when his gf wanted nothing to do with his friends because now he was unable to shake the feeling that something happened between us, even though the two people who supposedly cheated, confirmed that it never happened. I asked my friend what he wanted me to do and he said he wanted me to tell him what happened when he passed out last night. I said I continued to talk to his gf until the shrooms were out of my system and then I went home. The end. My friend asked me how I would feel if I was in his position. I said I would never be in his position because I would avoid getting back together with a girl who was hellbent on sabotaging our friendship out of spite. And that was just a week ago. My friend hung up the phone before I could continue. I thought the call disconnected, so I called back, but my friend refused to answer. Based on all the unread messages I've sent since then, I'm assuming he's ghosting me. I feel like I must have fucked up again? I'm not exactly sure how though. From now on, I'm gonna play it safe and stay the fuck away from my friend's gf for as long as I'm alive because nothing good comes from breathing the same air as her. **TL:DR** My friend got back together with his crazy gf who fucking sabotaged our friendship by telling him that she cheated during their relationship with me, which was a lie. To show that none of that shit mattered anymore because love conquers all or whatever, my friend and his gf invited me to get high with them and high we all got. However, my friend not only got high, but he also got jealous when he watched me tripping with his gf and became paranoid all over again and now it appears that he cut contact with me. Again. I'm fucking over it.

TIFU by calling the judge “your highness” instead of “your honor”

I work as a youth behavioral health case manager. A lot of the youth I work with are high-risk and many have legal involvement. So, as a part of my job I will occasionally go to juvenile court and give a report of the youth’s progress. Today was one of those days. My youth was the last case to be called so we had been sitting there for almost 4 hours waiting. It had been a long day and I was admittedly a little sleepy. My supervisor was also there to observe because it was a high-level case. When the judge called me to give my report I said “your highness” instead of “your honor”. What’s worse is that I couldn’t stop laughing and had to excuse myself. I came back and apologized and the judge was visibly annoyed. The youth thought it was hilarious. My supervisor didn’t mention anything about it afterwards, but I’m sure that on Monday our whole team will get an email reviewing court etiquette. TL;DR I work in youth case management and accidentally called the judge “your highness” instead of “your honor” before giving my report.

TIFU by helping my mom with a return

So, this just happened earlier tonight. I can't tell anyone I know, so you all get to hear the story. I was helping my mom with a return that she was trying to process on amazon. For some reason, it was not giving her an option to submit the return, only to troubleshoot. She ended up giving me her phone to try and figure it out. So im over here hitting all the different return reason options, and nothing is working. So I think let me just back out and try from scratch (she ordered this thing a while ago) I start scrolling down to find the item again....and I come across the biggest dildo I have ever seen in my life. I only saw it for a split second, I kept scrolling right on past that suckered because I refused to believe my eyes. However, ever those brief flashes of pixels were enough to taint my brain. TIRFU TLDR: I learned my mom has a giant dildo from trying to make an Amazon return on her account

TIFU by emailing my TA a resume for "Ball Fart John"

TIFU and I am still waiting to see if there are any consequences for this email I sent. So me and my friend were creating fake and terrible resumes that would never get us hired as a funny haha. I made a resume for someone named Ball Fart John, who among other things, had earned several awards for sex, overturned the 2020 election using JavaScript, and "fucked a lot of balls." This leads to yesterday evening when I was writing an email to a TA to get help on an assignment related to the time complexity of a few search algorithms. I attached a PDF of my work up until that point. Unbeknownst to me, I also attached a PNG image of Ball Fart John's resume. Yep. I sent my TA a resume for Ball Fart John. As you might imagine, I had a minor freak out. It's 2pm as I am writing this, and I haven't heard anything back. I sent an email apologizing and telling him to disregard the resume I sent and that it was not supposed to be on the email. I also unsent the email, but it's still pending as I am writing this. As far as I know, the damage may have already been done. I'm hoping this amounts to nothing, but this might be the dumbest fuck up i've managed. TL;DR: I sent my TA a resume for Ball Fart John who is great at fucking balls and worked at google. Update: I was able to recall the email, but it was marked as read by the TA. Did he see Ball Fart John's resume? I have no clue and I have yet to hear back. Wish me luck Ball Fart John's resume: [https://i.redd.it/fwopxntrubhc1.png](https://i.redd.it/fwopxntrubhc1.png)

TIFU by forgetting MS Teams was recording after a meeting finished

Eight of us are scheduled to meet to build some business requirements for an internal software development team. One required attendee couldn’t join so we all agreed to record the call as she is the product manager that will bridge the gap between business and the software engineers. I noticed one of the attendees is a workmate whom I developed a friendly relationship with over the years but haven’t been on any projects together in two years so I greeted him quickly, we said hi and then off to work. At the end of the call as everyone was dropping off he noticed that I was still around as I was completing an email with the document the team just worked on and he hung back and said hi again. Naturally, I stopped sharing my screen and he and I struck up a conversation to catch up; talking about our kids, their sports and school etc. Dad shit. Then, he asked me a question about the operation of the business I’m in. I am a Director in this company, he is. Sr. Mgr. We have this personal relationship, so I say something like, “I’m going to speak a bit out of turn here, but I trust you won’t get me fired.” We chuckled. I then shared my opinion of a VP leader of the business and that person’s inability to really understand the business and our customers. I go on to share how I believe leadership finally realized they screwed up a decision prior and that their current solution to remedy is half-assed at best. As I begin to go on, my friend had the epiphany that the call was being recorded and alerted me to it. Sure enough it’s still recording. I stop it. We say goodbye. I begin to process how I can get rid of it. MS Teams only allows the person who requested to record and the organizer of the meeting to delete recordings and transcripts. The organizer pushed record so it’s just one person I need to convince. However, this person is a director like me and reports directly to the VP I called out for not knowing what he’s doing. I guarantee that person’s allegiance is greater to the VP than to me despite our good working relationship. Here I am in cancel culture caught on a hot mic denigrating the intelligence of a leader and his failed processes. I go to the transcript. Yep, all the words are there. Microsoft’s AI didn’t screw up the bad stuff I said. The recording is there too. Both have an expiration date of 365 days. I go back to the transcript, read it and realize the things I said are things I would be comfortable sharing, just likely with different words, I also wouldn’t have an issue saying exactly what I said to the leaders above the VP. In those situations though there wouldn’t be an electronic record. I don’t want to bring attention to this and allow the other director the chance to go and listen to the recording or read the transcript so I decided to risk it and treat it like I didn’t know it was recording and move on. Someone watching the recording would know when the end of the meeting occurred and should realize two colleagues stayed on to catch up personally and hopefully just stop watching. Else, they’d have to sit through 15 minutes of dad talk until the good stuff. Who goes back and watches these things anyway, probably the damn product manager that didn’t attend. Ugh. TL;DR - TIFU, forgot a meeting I was in was recording and stayed on to shoot the shit with a friend and ended up talking shit about a VP and his business choices before I realized it was still being recorded. Decided to not beg to have recordings deleted and risk nobody finds out.

TIFU by bringing up the colonel

So, when I was 13, one of my best friends lost his dad. The guy had this white beard and hair, really stood out. Our teachers told us about it when he wasn’t in class, trying to make us understand why he’d be gone for a while. It was pretty tough on all of us, but it hit me hard because I actually knew his dad well. It was the first time someone I knew died. A few days after, my friend started coming back to school, and we wanted to do something to cheer up. Hitting up KFC was our thing, something our friends’ group normally did, so it felt like a step towards getting back to normal. His mom, who I hadn’t seen since everything happened, offered to drive us. The car ride was super awkward. No one was talking much, and you could feel the sadness hanging around. I wanted to lighten the mood, so since we were heading to KFC, I thought, why not talk about the Colonel? I figured it was safe ground. So, I blurted out something about how the Colonel must be really old or “probably very dead” by now. I was trying to make a joke, not thinking about how it sounded considering my friend’s dad just died. It was one of those moments where you wish you could grab your words out of the air and stuff them back in your mouth. Neither my friend nor his mom was enlightened by my comment. It was clear they were both fighting back tears, and that heavy sadness just stuck with us for the rest of the ride and even as we sat down in KFC. TL;DR: Tried to make a light-hearted comment about the Colonels death to break the ice on a somber car ride to KFC after my friend’s dad passed away.

TIFU by almost setting my apartment on fire trying to kill a bug

I generally keep my place pretty darn clean and have never had a bug issue, my neighbors however definitely do not. My landlord bombed their apartment, so the bugs of course run off to the next closest safe place. I’ve only seen one or two ever in years of living here, but last night I thought it would be a good idea to send this morherfucker back to hell using my torch lighter. I thought- “well they’re quick, so instead of smushing it with a paper towel I’ll just destroy it with fire” Well, where this fucker was right at the base of the wall. I hit him with a torch lighter and he scurried into a crack, and then my wall started smoking. I had to deploy my fire extinguisher which out everything out but fuck me that was close. TLDR: I tried to kill a bug with a torch lighter and almost set my apartment on fire. Had to use my fire extinguisher. Haven’t felt this dumb in a long time.

TIFU playing the wrong music in front of my gf

A few days ago I picked my gf up at the airport. She returned from a work trip. I was playing music from my phone through my car while I was asking my gf about her time away. She responded to my questions with enthusiasm at first, but then she began pausing mid sentences to the point where I asked if something was wrong. She took a sip of water and said she might be experiencing jetlag because she was feeling flustered and fatigued. I narrowed my eyes and asked if jetlag was all it was or if there was something else she wanted to tell me. My gf, who now seemed upset for some reason, said I should just spit it out and flat out ask her if she was cheating on me during the work trip. I was fucking flabbergasted. I had no idea where that came from, so I asked what the fuck she was talking about. She said my "on the nose choice of music" along with the "anything else you wanna tell me" question made it obvious that I was trying to get specific information out of her. She made no sense to me, so I did a break down of every crazy thing she was saying and asked her to explain each break down, starting with my "on the nose choice of music." My gf angrily pointed out that most of the songs on my playlist were about cheating. I realized she was right when I scrolled through the list and noticed Dicked Down In Dallas by Trey Lewis, It Wasn't Me by Shaggy, Guilty Conscience by 070 Shake, etc. The list went on. I showed my gf that my music was on shuffle the whole time and that none of the songs were my choice. It was all random. I also informed her that my "anything else you wanna tell me" question was supposed to be funny because it was a reference to a running joke in our relationship that she might be pregnant whenever she was feeling sick. Cut to the most uncomfortable moment of silence in the history of uncomfortable silences. My gf apologized when it eventually became clear to her that she misinterpreted my intentions. However, there was still the elephant in the room. My gf used the word "cheating" earlier and I wanted to know why. Based on her explanation, she was pursued by one of her coworkers during her work trip. She said she made sure nothing happened between the two of them, physically speaking, but she admitted that she enjoyed the attention and the flirtation. I decided to drop my now ex gf at her mom's house and drive back to my apartment alone while listening to Mr Brightside by The Killers, which was in fact my choice. I was happy with my gf and a big part of me wishes I could go back in time and play dubstep or some shit so I never would have gone down the rabbit hole of mistrust. TL:DR I accidentally played random songs about cheating in the car while I was driving with my gf, which unexpectedly prompted my gf to get upset at me for making her feel like I was trying to get a confession out of her about something I was unaware of that happened between her and her coworker on a business trip. What was supposed to be a wholesome reunion with my gf who was away for work turned into an unforgettable drive home for all the wrong reasons.

TIFU By Taking a Bite of the Forbidden Fruit

TL;DR I slept with my sister bestfriend while drunk at a party. My sister is furious I 19m am currently writing this on a train headed home and I think my sister 20f hates me now. I am a college freshman and my sister is at a different college in my city. Whenever I've wanted to party I attend the ones at my sister's college because she is in a sorority and gets invited a lot and I don't know many people at my college. I've gotten to know a lot of her friends and sorority sisters. One in specific is her closest friend 20f who I'll call Layla. My sister and Layla have been close since high school and she's been around the house a lot so I've gotten to know her a fair bit. I also find Layla to be very attractive, she is exactly my type and I've had a crush on her since my sister first introduced us. I consider Layla to be forbidden fruit, she is someone I can admire but never pursue because of her friendship with my sister. Back to tonight I attended a party at my sister's college it was more like a get together at their house. I knew most of the people, but there was a fair bit of frat guys too I never met. Well 7 shots and a vodka cranberry later and I was done for the night. I went up to my sister's room to sober up and let my social battery recharge. I'm laying on her bed when Layla knocks and walks in, she said she came to give me company and check on me. She sits down next to me and asks me if I'm ok and I let her know I'm fine. I asked her why she was here anyways my sister usually is the one to check on me. She goes into a rant about how one of the frat guys has been pursuing her and has been stuck to her for the last couple of parties she's gone to. At this point I'm still drunk and I tell her Me - "Seems like a dick, you deserve much better than him" Layla - "I know but there isn't much better" Me - "I think I'm the much better you need" It was the alcohol talking, but it was the first time I've flirted with Layla. She laughed a bit and I laughed too. What I didn't expect was the reciprocation in her response. Layla - "You are a bit better" I was shocked but laughed it off. A little more talking later and I realize she was also definitely drunk. Randomly she started touching my arms and chest, then commenting on how toned my body was. Which then led to her lifting my shirt up to see my abs. To keep the details minimal what led after was our faces getting close, some making out which then moved into her room. Then the clothes came off and the deed began. It was fun until my heart stops when I hear "WHAT THE FUCK", I got Layla off of me to see my sister standing in the doorway reasonably very anger. I of course put my clothes on immediately and tried to reason with her but she went into her room and slammed the door shut. I went back in to check in on Layla and wished her a goodnight. I left and as I was leaving I had some ask me about the commotion but I just fast walked out. I'm still on the train, I've tried to call my sister about 40 times and sent over 50 apologies texts and begging for her to pick up so I can try to plead my case. This was definitely my biggest mess ups and just a drunken mistake to me. I've messaged Layla a bit and she said she will try to speak with her, but believes we did nothing wrong and we are adults who are allowed to sleep with whoever we please. I'm not sure how to feel but I definitely fucked up Edit: So to add some context here and update, my sister is still upset. I believe the reason for her being mad at me is the case I'm not a very relationship prone person. This point in my life I'm only looking for something casual and not to actually be in a relationship. So my sister knows this and thinks I'm using Layla and she's very protective of Layla but I'm not sure if I'm being 100% honest I'm just coming up with theories. I've spoken a bit with Layla today not much cause I've been at work but she doesn't see this as a "beginning of something" it was just two drunk people fucking. She hasn't spoken to my sister either but my sister did tell our parents. Dad thinks it's hilarious and my mom sees my sister's view of pursuing my her friends as little weird but doesn't care and has a "kids will be kids" stance on this. So I appreciate all the comments I realize me and Layla are adults but I love my sister and would rather her not be mad at me so this is a bigger F-up in my eyes than it will for most of you. Also too many of you assume that i was going to say it was me fucking my sister, gross and I'm gonna move my tldr to the top cause of this.

TIFU by wearing an inappropriate shirt to family dinner

This happened a few thanksgivings ago. I found this really awesome shirt thrift shopping that said "take me home and feed me." It's a black shirt. Most of the letters are white, but some are a darker grey. What do I know about design? It's talking about food. I thought: "Oh, that's so perfect for thanksgiving dinner coming up." So I buy the shirt for this purpose. Fast forward a few days, and I'm celebrating thanksgiving with all of the extended family. It's evening. We've all had dinner, and the pies are starting to come out. My older brother pulls me into the kitchen for a quick word. "Hey man, what's with the shirt? Interesting choice for family dinner." I ask him what he's talking about. I thought it was a fun thanksgiving shirt. It clearly references food. Realizing I don't know what's going on, he starts to laugh. He pulls in one of the older cousins similar in age to him. They both start laughing. Turns out the dark grey letters were the "eed" on feed. The shirt is designed so that from a distance (you guessed it), it just says "Take me home and F me." You all, I wore that shirt all day. I wore that shirt for family photos. I am standing next to my sweet grandma with a shirt that says "take me home and 'F' me." These photos will live forever on her facebook. TL;DR I unknowingly wore an inappropriate shirt to family thanksgiving, and the moment is now immortalized in pictures with my sweet grandma.

TIFU By having intrusive thoughts and confirming I have no filter when coming out of sedation.

TLDR: Anesthesia removes the filter that holds back the lewd kinky thoughts embarrassing poor bystander husband, young nurse, and myself. Just a bit of background because it’s relevant here. I didn’t grow up in a good environment and as a result wasn’t particularly well socialized in my youth. The lack of healthy interactions and any kind of guidance lead to a point where I wasn’t great at picking up on social cues or knowing when I’d crossed into TMI or inappropriate topics conversation. Because of what was going on at home I strayed well into oversharing territory, often having zero filter between my brain and my mouth. It was something I dealt with into my early twenties when I was, finally, able to escape my home life and start making my own life. Let’s just say it took awhile to figure out how to interact with others on what is considered a socially acceptable level of conversation. With the help of my husband, I was able to construct a filter that is decent at staying in place unless I’ve been drinking (which doesn’t happen often) and even then keeps the worst of my intrusive thoughts from coming out. Yeah, that filter disappears while under any kind of sedation or anesthesia. Today I had an endoscopy procedure done due to some issues with my stomach. Now, I know I’m a chatty person in general and tend to be more so in situations where I’m a bit nervous. Oh, you know, like medical procedures. I’ve been under anesthesia before and been told I talk afterwards. It has been implied in the past that I was oversharing how into my husband I happen to be, as in physically, more than once. I’m pretty sure my return to consciousness talk drifts well into TMI territory and has left me with a pretty constant state of worry every time I’ve had to go under because I’m paranoid about what is likely to come out in the fugue state. So much so that I apologize in advance to everyone who will have to deal with me for whatever may come out while my brain is filterless. Back to the endoscopy. If you’ve never had it done they position you on a table and then proceed to put a mouthpiece with a hole in the center, that straps behind your head, in your mouth. Well, the nurse is doing this to me while the anesthesia is being pushed in my IV and my brain decides that an intrusive thought involving how certain kinds of kinksters would enjoy this in a different setting is a great thing to do. Yes, I found the thought funny and, yes, I did briefly imagine how it would all work. No, I did not think that last thought would be put on pause until the play button was pushed in the “I’m coming out of anesthesia but have no conscience control over what I’m saying.” According to my husband, I was not only trying to get the staff to give me a mouthpiece but asking if it came in a larger size. Then pretty much letting the staff know, in no uncertain terms, that there is a large group of people out there interested in mouth gags. Me included apparently. The young nurse is turning red, my husband’s face is turning pink, the older nurse is smirking and giving my husband a look while my poor husband is desperately trying to get me to change the subject. I have zero memory of any of this. Ya’all, the second hand embarrassment I feel about this! I live in the south, I can’t go back there now. That thought was never supposed to see the light of day, let alone become the unfortunate topic of conversation for anyone who happened to be in earshot and it wasn’t a private room just curtains with who knows who occupying them! I’m choosing to take solace in the knowledge that those sweet ladies will have seen a bunch of other people and will, hopefully, forget about the middle aged woman who has no filter and lewd intrusive thoughts.

TIFU by bringing home a random photo from a thrift store.

About two years ago, I picked up a framed photo at a thrift store. The photo is from the 1960's and depicts two couples dining at some type of event/restaurant as they pose with their waiter, whom I now suspect may have been the original owner of said photo. Anyway, there isn't anything particularly special about the photo. I picked it up for $1 because I thought it captured a random moment in time and you could peer into the photo and take a glimpse of the fashion, the dinnerware, the essence of the moment. Although these five people were strangers to me, the history and mystery intrigued me. For two years, this photo has sat proudly upon our curiosity cabinet, front and center for purely no other reason other than aesthetic. Yesterday, the boyfriend walked by, as he does every damn day, and stopped to look at the picture. He inquisitively asked me where the picture came from and I told him. He then proceeded to tell me that one of the men in the photo was George Wallace. GEORGE WALLACE and his wife have been proudly sitting on top of my cabinet for two years. I, unfortunately, share the same surname so my bf thought I was related to him and didn't say anything about it until now. 🤦‍♀️ Of course, I promptly took the photo down so now what? Do I turn it in to some type of museum? It is a historical artifact. Deface it? Burn it? It is BLACK History Month!! I feel so stupid, so embarrassed. I just want it gone. It went from being this whimsical moment captured in time to carrying some major Ouija board energy. 🤢🤮 TL;DR I have accidentally been displaying a photo in my living room of a controversial historical political figure without realizing it.

TIFU by speaking German.

This happened 5 years ago but I still think it’s hilarious. I’m (F25) British and moved to Germany when I was 19. I got a job at Starbucks because I had worked there in England so already knew how it worked - this way I could focus on just learning German. One day a coworker put me on the register, knowing that I could barely speak German. After about an hour a few guests came in and wanted to pay with a 50€ note. I had run out of bills and was trying to explain to them that I couldn’t change a 50. I had only heard the German word for “banknote” once and thought I remembered it, here’s where I fucked up. I thought the word for banknote was “Scheide” so I kept saying “Ich habe keine Scheide” (I have no “Scheide”.) I said it over and over again because the guests seemed shocked and confused. Eventually my coworker grabbed my arm and pulled me aside so she could finished the transaction. She told me afterwards the word was “Scheine” and that “Scheide” means vagina. So I had been telling the guests “I have no vagina I have no vagina”. Anyway I wasn’t allowed to work on the register again until my German had gotten better. I still laugh when I think about it. TL;DR: I couldn’t speak German very well and ended up telling guests that I had no vagina.

TIFU by dying my facial hair

This happened just minutes ago. I've been going gray for years and my wife made a comment about it - something like "I didn't realize how gray your beard is." I thought to myself that taking the gray out of my beard would be good for my look, since I don't really have much gray on top. Well I don't have much hair on top either. Anyway, I figure my wife dyes her hair to get her grays out, so why can't I? I ordered some JFM beard dye in a pretty light color thinking that I could always go darker later if it wasn't dark enough. I tried it a few days ago, and left it in for 5 minutes. Washed it out and there was almost no difference that I could see. FF to today, and I decide I'm going to give it another try but I'm going to leave it in for 10 minutes this time. I go to my home office to do answer a few emails, and I tell Siri to set a 10 minute timer. I go about my work and at some point I realize that I should check the timer because it feels like it's been longer than 10 minutes. Well it turns out Siri didn't actually set the timer so I guess I had the dye in maybe 15 minutes or so. I dash to the bathroom and look in the mirror and my face looks like it's been covered in charcoal. I hop in the shower and scrub as much as I can, but when I get out it's still very dark. It doesn't look natural at all. Maybe it's the 15 minute soak time or maybe it's just that my beard is way more visible now that it's dyed but my face looks like Jason Momoa but my head looks like Woody Harrelson. ​ TLDR: used beard dye incorrectly, now I look ridiculous!

TIFU by Taking Extra Strength Homemade Cannabis Edibles The Night Before Work.

Hey MY Reddit Peeps so to get down to business I(26M) make my own extra strength edibles at home using my edible machine because any edible I've ever bought or tried just doesn't hit me properly. So last night I decided to whip up some nice cannabis cupcakes for me and also made some extra strength cannabis Infused chamomile tea to help me feel better since I can't smoke rn since I'm slightly sick not sure if it's a cold or what. But to get back to the story so I take all that last night and it has me feeling lovely. Fast forward to the next day and I come into work with IMMEDIATE BUBBLE GUTS 😩. So I rush to use the bathroom, HOWEVER, I noticed while I was taking a dump, that my poop and piss itself REEKED like Marijuana. It's like I was pissing straight THC. But I didn't think the smell would be that pronounced or that strong that anyone else would notice it as well. I thought I was the only one who thought my excrement smelt skunky😭. Boom, fast foward not even like an hr or two later they call a meeting with everyone into the office and everybody got a verbal warning saying we cannot use cannabis on work grounds. Sooo... essentially someone snitched to upper management thinking an employee was using cannabis in the bathroom or was vaping or some shit due to the smell. But in reality it was just me with my extra strength rancid cannabis smelling dumps and thc laced piss that made the whole bathroom reek as if someone left a Nug In There 🤣🤣🤣. I also confirmed it was my dumps bc I used the scientific method and had one of my boys do a sniff test on one of my dumps after I used the bathroom and he CONFIRMED IT for me that yeah... my dumps were smelling like as If someone toked up in the bathroom😅😅😅. TL;DR. Essentially took extra strength cannabis edibles the night before and made my office bathroom reek like weed when i took a dump which prompted an office wide meeting and verbal warning to everybody there 🙃.... Thank you all for taking the time to read this, I hope it made you smile,laugh or brought some kind of joy into your life. And Have a great rest of your day =). *Just to give a quick reference.. I double Infuse a whole Zip of Topshelf into 32oz of MCT Oil everytime I make a batch* *and I Use the Levo C To Decarb+Infuse My Edibles Since People Wanna Be Smartasses* I Don't Gatekeep🤣

TIFU by showing my gf a picture of the engagement ring I bought her

So today while my gf(38f) and I (39m) were texting back and forth I thought it would be a great idea to send her a picture of what is supposed to be her engagement ring, to see what she would think of it like it was from a website. Now we have had the conversation she and I have said neither one of us is going anywhere and we have been ring shopping for a while so I’m not ruining the surprise so to speak. When she saw it she said “hmmm I don’t know about the halo… it just looks bumpy like it will get snagged”. This is nearly identical to one she fell in love with in a store. I’m absolutely gutted. I had it custom made for her I can’t return it. I’m not sure what to do now ether try to sell it and get her one that doesn’t have a bumpy halo, or propose with it anyway. I’m leaning towards giving it to her anyway and offering to have the halo changed out if she wants. Oh well I thought someone may find some humor in this one. TL;DR I sent my GF a picture of her engagement ring secretly and she doesn’t like it Minor update: wow everyone seriously thank you for all your kind words and thoughtful responses! At this point I and going to take the advice of most of you and use it to pop the question anyway. The day would be next Saturday I will update after for those asking.

TIFU by letting my client use my phone

I work as a support professional for disabled individuals as an independent contractor, and today I was driving my client to run some of their errands. I let my client choose the music when we run errands, and since this client has a minimalistic phone they play music off my phone. So we're driving along and I get an alert on my watch of a text message. It was a prospective employer reaching out about my application, using my name. It popped up on my phone screen and my client got upset that I've been job hunting. I know they're going to go tell their parent, who I've already been having a ton of problems with, so I try to get ahead of the shit storm. I lied; I said I had no idea who the prospective employer was, or what application they were talking about. Seemed to settle the client, but I know they're still gonna tell their parent so I text the parent. Mentioned I got what appeared to be a spam text about an application and that their child/my client seemed upset about the whole thing. The parent doesn't believe me that the text is spam or from an old application. I am digging my own grave with this phone. Someone please give a kind eulogy at my funeral TLDR: I let my client use my phone, they found out I'm job hunting, tried to cover my ass, and now I've got a client and their parent mad at me

TIFU by taking an online proctored exam and accidentally recording my naughty accessory

Uh, hello Reddit. So I had to take an online exam today. It is one of those "automatically proctored" exams where you have to download an extension that essentially records your clipboard, browser tabs, webcam, etc. At the very beginning of the exam, we are generally required to clear our immediate surroundings of "unnecessary" items. So I got to work. I threw some pillows off to the bedside, cleared off my bed and presented my ID. At some point right before the exam, I had to take my laptop and do a 360 spin around my room. I accidentally caught my tentacle dildo in the shot. I didn't notice it was even there at first when I started the exam. It's just sitting there, all high and mighty, blocking the view of the TV. It was only around halfway during the exam that I glanced up. My eyes happened to dawn on the thing and then I just started laughing. *Laughing*. Note that I never really used this. I just got it from an online store to keep it there as a deterrent to disgust my roommate and keep them out of my bedroom. Not that context really makes it any better. If anything, that just makes me even more embarrassed of my negligence. How could I have cleared up everything except literally the worst thing? How did I ***not*** see that? My professor claims she will be manually grading these. I don't really fully know how these programs/extensions work, but I hope that she doesn't notice and that if she does, we don't ever bring that up. TL;DR: TIFU by accidentally capturing my massive tentacle dong in my proctored exam recording, and I can only hope my professor doesn't see it.

TIFU by not heating my husband's dinner for him.

My sweet grandmother brought over a tupperware of soup. I ate half (meh), then it sat for a week. I was running late to meet friends, so I didn't have time to dine with my husband. I reminded him about the soup and that my grandmother would ask how he liked it, so he should have it before it went bad. When I got home, I asked if he'd finally eaten it. He said he had the whole thing, but it was really gross. I agreed the soup wasn't my favorite and suggested he finish it sooner next time. When I opened the fridge to make lunch today, the soup was still in there. I got frustrated and asked my husband why he'd lie about finishing it. He insisted he had, so I pulled the soup out and confronted his lie. "Wait, that's the soup? Then what did I eat?!" It turns out my husband finished off bone broth... that I made for my dog... with leftovers... from Thanksgiving... that I forgot to throw out months ago. Needless to say, he wished I'd tossed the broth back in December- or at least had time to warm up dinner last night. TL;DR: TIFU by not cleaning out he fridge... and assuming my husband could tell the difference between forgotten months-old leftovers and my grandmother's cooking... and that he'd stop eating once he realized his mistake.

TIFU by trying to go super saiyan

To preface happened in 2001 when I was 11. I had just started watching DBZ and everyone at school was going nuts over the cell saga. I gave in and started watching it that year. I was absolutely positive that if I tried hard enough that my hair would turn blonde. (I just had to channel my chi and scream as hard as I could) During lunch period my friends and I took turns trying our best to “go super Saiyan” and after a few mediocre attempts from my fellow classmates I was ready to blow everyone’s socks off. I rolled up my sleeves and did the classic goku stance really working the chi into my diaphragm. Finally gathering enough energy I pushed as hard as I could and screamed until veins were bulging from my temple. When suddenly I felt a sharp pain undulating from my pants. I suddenly keeled over and started crying, literally sobbing from the pain. The teachers came rushing to my side and I was swiftly taken to the nurses office to get checked out. I literally could not take a step without pain shooting from my bum. I truly believed I was going to die that day and made sure everyone knew it. My mom rushed to the school to take me to urgent care where the doctors revealed I had a hernia and bursted blood vessels in my rectum. After my mom embarrassingly applying steroid cream to the exploded butthole (while still sobbing) I touched the bulb protruding from said hole and cried from pain again. Moral of the story, turning super Saiyan is a work of fiction and should not be tried at home. TLDR; 11 year old me thought I could turn super Saiyan. Ended up exploding my b hole instead

TIFU by finding out my girlfriend of 2 years cheated on me on a girls trip to Ibiza

Me (18m) and my girlfriend (18f) have been together for almost 2 years now. She kissed a guy "on accident" quite early on in our relationship but managed to gaslight me by being relentlessly hard on her self about it so I forgave her. Not a problem since. She is my first everything, love, sex, kiss everything. I am her 15th body. 3rd boyfriend. We love eachother or atleast i love her very much. Since she is my first i have always been kinda jealous about her guy friends or people in her dms. Nothing has bothered me too much. Recently she admitted to having a manipulative habbit. Especially on guys. So i got a bit more scared. Well today at 02:49 am as i am writing this and she is sleeping next to me. My thoughts got the better of me so i started going through her ig dms. Alot of guys hitting on her but nothing put of the ordinary except this one guy. The had been chatting while my gf was on Ibiza. Flirting talking about kissing and meeting. My girlfriend begged this man to meet because she has been thinking about him so much. TL:DR , I went through my girlfriend of 2 years phone in suspicioun of her cheating amd found evidence from a girls trip a pcouple months back in Ibiza. That is fucked. Idk how i can recover. Should i confront her? In that case how? It is really messed up to go through someones phone. Even though what she did was worse. Any advice?

TIFU by blowing a raspberry after getting my wisdom teeth out

Ow. I got my bottom two wisdom teeth removed on Friday morning. Tonight, my fiancé and I were reminiscing and listening to some Toby Keith (RIP). She played God Love Her and then switched the song juuust before the chorus (which is a jail worthy offense imo for any song). I booed her for it, and blew a raspberry for extra measure… Instant, vision-blurring pain. Dropped me to my knees. Thought I might be seeing god soon. I thought all of the rules were clearly explained to me. No using straws, no smoking, no eating popcorn or other lil tiny things that could get stuck places. No where did anyone ever tell me that blowing a simple raspberry would result in satan himself stabbing me on either side of my jaw. Please don’t be me if you’re in my shoes one day. Be smarter. Be better. TL;DR Blowing raspberries after removing wisdom teeth: awful idea

TIFU by sleepily thinking my husband was a stuffed horse

Me and my husband usually sleep at different times due to a multitude of reasons. I'm a serial side stealer when sleeping and it's hard for him to move me when I'm asleep, so we decided several months ago to use this stuffed horse we have to keep me from wandering into his side while I'm asleep. The horse has been a life saver for the both of us. I don't steal his spot and I get something that helps me roll over in the middle of my sleep cycle. So now to the fuck up, I went to sleep today while hubby was still sleeping. He sleeps absolutely rolled into and completely tucked into the blankets, while normally we krep the horse above the covers. I partially woke up to realize I was on my right side, so to avoid the pain my hip causes when I'm on that side, I looked for the stuffed horse. I saw that horsey was under the covers, which didn't strike me as weird because I was absolutely tired, despite how its usually on top of the covers. I brought my elbow down hard into the back of the horse and started to rollover, only to be startled more awake by my husband's blood-curdling scream. Yall, I jabbed my elbow into my husband's ribs. My elbows are pointy as shit, hardly any fat around them, so I basically stabbed my husband. He writhed in pain for a moment as my sleepy brain realized what I had done and I started crying hard and apologizing because hurting him is always the last thing on my mind. He rolled over and cuddled me, comforting me that I hadn't hurt him that badly and I took a while to calm down, because what the everloving hell, brain! Eventually we both did go back to sleep, but waking up this morning, we found that he has a small bruise where I jabbed my elbow into him. TL;DR: Sleepily confused my husband for a stuffed horse, bruised him by stabbing my elbow in his ribs to roll over

TIFU by calling Tammy a trashy name

Just found out today that my coworker's MIL is named Tammy. The MIL also works with us. I was wondering why both were so hostile to me. But then I recalled a conversation where my other coworkers and I were going over "cursed names''. I've known 3 Tammys and they were all on meth. So I volunteered Tammy as a trashy name because I had never met one who wasn't on meth. Ladies and gentlemen, I made a massive mistake. I stated my own name is a stripper name. In this same conversation. It did not lighten the blow it seems. Fellas I had to scream this in the void of the Internet before it literally drove me insane. TL;DR Was discussing trashy names with coworkers. Said Tammy was a trashy name due to all the Tammys I know being on meth. Coworker's MIL is named Tammy. They are both hostile to me now. Edit: Typo

TIFU by accidentally winking my butthole at my wife.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years now and have two small children under 5. It's all about survival at this point so seeing each other as vulnerable hot messes from time to time is totally normal. We recently purchased a 65inch tv that has been sitting in a box in her office until we'd have the time to mount it together without the kids around. It's not very heavy, just awkward to try to hold up by yourself.  With the kids visiting their grandparents, we decided we'd finally mount our new tv in the living room. For whatever reason, I had on the loosest fitting pair of gym shorts I own for this operation. I also have to mention that I've been a free baller for most of my adult life. After I got done putting up the mounting bracket, it was time to hoist the tv into position. Instead of sliding the box from the office to the living room (like smart people) before we unpacked it, we opened it in the office. I must've said, "do not drop it" to her at least 4 times before we picked it up. Stressing this to the point of annoyance that if she needed a break, to let me know, and we could stop. Leading the way and on the count of three, I awkwardly picked it up facing away from her to walk towards the living room. As soon as we picked it up my gym shorts hit the ground but by then, I'd already committed to my first step. Now, tripping over myself, and refusing to let go of the new tv, I faceplant into the hardwood floor with my belly touching down as well. Miraculously, I'm able to stay on my knees though so I'm in like a pornstar doggie position. At this point, I had no idea how fucked I actually was though. I've got one hand under the corner of the bottom portion of the tv and the other is firmly gripping the side. My wife, like a saint, maintained her composure and held her position from the initial impact. However, not even a second later, we're both uncontrollably laughing because I couldn't move and neither could she. After about 10 seconds the laughter quickly stopped on my end because I realized I could feel the cool breeze of the air conditioning dance across my balloon knot. I was completely exposed and my wife had a front row seat. Now mortified and screaming at her, "Don't look it at it!" which in hindsight only intensified her laughter, she started to make me laugh again. I could hear her try to say something but the air she was breathing was completely dedicated to her cackle. After the longest minute of my life, I could finally make out what she's been trying to say to me, "It's fucking winking at me"...God. Fucking. Damnit.  We successfully mounted the tv and I'm in the market for one of those men in black mind eraser thingies. TL;DR  My wife and I tried to move a tv together but my shorts fell down and my butthole took center stage. 

TIFU by asking my boyfriend how he wipes

TIFU by asking my boyfriend how he wipes when he poops. My (26 f) boyfriend (29 m) asked if we had any more q tips, I jokingly said just grab one out of the trash can, I'm sure there's some left. He replied "yeah covered in poop." I asked why would they be covered in poop, we don't put poop in the trash can. He said yeah with the toilet paper. I was a little confused, but he speaks Spanish so I thought maybe we were misunderstanding each other. I tried to clarify, did he mean wet wipes? He said no, the toilet paper he throws away after pooping. At this point my confusion is evolving to concern. Why is he saying he puts toilet paper in the trash can. Surely he's joking. He explains again, "you know after you wipe, you throw the toilet paper in the trash can". No sir I do not know. Baffled, I begin to act out how one goes to the bathroom, you do your business, wipe and drop it in the toilet, right? Standard procedure for disposing of excrement, or so I thought. He acts it out, sitting down, do your business, wipe, cover the toilet paper, then throw it away. I laugh because he has to be fucking with me, obviously he can't be throwing away shit covered paper into the trashcan everytime. The more he explains it again and repeats himself, the less comical it's sounding. Is he being forreal right now. So after talking and acting it out, we head into the bathroom so he can demonstrate this act I show him how I would dispose of the shitty toilet paper- in the toilet. He shows me that he wipes and puts it in the trash can. I asked why in Taylor Swifts green earth would you throw away poop covered toilet paper? He said it can clog the toilet. Shocked, I grab a piece of toilet paper and put it in water and show him how it disenegrates and wouldn't clog the toilet. He says "everyone wipes their ass like this and throws it away" Who is everyone? He's from Mexico so maybe the plumbing is different there. I told him no one does that here, they throw it away. He says that he does it here too and "everybody does it this way" He said "well that's why there's trash cans in every bathroom." I said no, trash cans are there to throw away pads, tampons, wipes, paper towels etc. Im thinking, Why would we not just wipe with papertowels or kleenex, if we're supposed to throw it away, why did they make a special paper called TOILET paper. My eyes are wide, my brain is perplexed, and I'm starting to question myself. Have I been the one wiping wrong? Is his way the proper way of wiping? It cant be. I was wracking my brain thinking if you really aren't supposed to flush it. Have I been shitting wrong my whole life? I This whole time there has been a bunch of poop sitting in my trashcans. Is this something other people do to? Am I crazy for disposing of toilet paper in the toilet? I told him not to do that at home any more, and don't think I'll look at him the same for a while 😂 Tl;dr: TIFU by finding out my boyfriend throws away his poop covered toilet paper in the trash can and not in the toilet. Edit: it's not that serious yall. He was shocked i flush it, i was shocked he doesn't. We had a good laugh together. Also this is in the US so bidets aren't super common.

TIFU by complaining to my wife about work (1 month Update)

The original post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/190050w/tifu\_by\_complaining\_to\_my\_wife\_about\_work/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/190050w/tifu_by_complaining_to_my_wife_about_work/) ​ It turns out that multiple people had reported the anonymous hotline for our company, the legal team met with my wife because she was the only person they knew had knowledge of the events. One month later, we both still have our jobs (no retaliation, which was my biggest fear), but nothing has changed. The people falsifying data are still employed, and continuing their same practices. As mentioned previously we are an international company, HQ in the US, but are managed locally for the most part. One comment asked if I worked at Boeing, which gave me endless laughter considering the headlines that month! We don't haha, however, we do work in an industry where people can be seriously harmed if the lab gives inaccurate results. I think the local upper management is keeping a lid on things because we are short-staffed, and reluctant to fire "skilled" personnel. So I'm reporting infractions to my supervisor, and documenting each incident, and I plan to turn it over to HQ if nothing changes in the next week. ​ **TL:DR-** Wife and I work at same company, I work in the quality control lab and she works with the higher powers. I told her of people falsifying data, she told her boss, and had to meet with the legal team. **Update-** We both kept our jobs, but so did the people signing off on false data.

TIFU by leaving a very obscene Pokemon drawing open on PC

Obligatory it happened a month ago. I will not use a throwaway because I own my mistakes haha! I’m a digital illustrator, and sometimes I do stuff for shits and giggles. This time I was drawing an extremely obscene Pokemon art, because I thought it was funny and because I’m a sick individual with a dark sense of humor. So I was drawing this stuff, and as I was already tired I left the program open on PC and sat down on the couch to have a cup of coffee. I forgot I left it open, turned Youtube on and started relaxing. My sister came home, and as always she sat in front of the PC to play a videogame. I only realized my fuckup when she asked:”Oh God, what is this? Poor *Pokemon*.” I was mortified. I started apologizing profusely, to which she just said:”Don’t worry about it, really. We all have a dark side.” And she did not mention it again, and it had no bearing on our relationship, but I still cringe when I look at Jolteon. Guess I’ve learned my lesson. TL;DR Drew two Pokemon making eggs. Sister found the drawing.

TIFU by discovering how I fucked up a few months ago.

My husband and I got married in June of 2023 and decided to hold off on our honeymoon until June of this year(1 year later). Mainly so that we could save up a little money and not have to be pinching so many pennies on our honeymoon. We decided on 1.5 weeks in Ireland and I cannot wait! I am normally the one who is better at planning and organizing things, so he asked me to book all of the hotels/make a loose itenary. We aren't people who want to have zero plans on what to do, but don't want a strict schedule either. So a few months ago he booked our flight and I booked all of our airbnb, hostel, and B&B stays. I kept getting this weird feeling like I did something wrong, so I have went back several times and made sure all of the dates were correct for each place. The whole Day Month swap in dates gets me sometimes. Today I went and checked them by typing in each stays location in my email until I found the receipt, that was until I got to Galway. It wasn't coming up at all. So, I scrolled back to the date of booking them all in my email and found the place that I booked in Galway. Only to my shock the place I booked is in Glasgow, Scotland. Had to cancel that(nonrefundable) stay and book a new($200 more) stay in Galway. TL;DR Idiot American books stay in Glasgow instead of Galway.

TIFU by not hiding my adult toy properly

20 - Male Let me start by saying that I live in a big household, Me + my 5 younger siblings, and my mom. We live in a not-so-big house but in the country we live in, it's big enough. I share a room with my younger brother (he's 2 years younger than me) and we all have our designated closests. So here it goes, As a horny teenager I was always fascinated by the existence of adult toys (fleshlight mostly) and back then I was already thinking about buying one. Of course, buying one in this household is very fucking risky. There's the snoopy siblings who always want to know what gets delivered in the packages every one got, and mom who always want to tidy things up, ESPECIALLY folding our clothes. After some time, I was able to buy one toy. I said "fuck it, I'll just hide it properly" I settled for a less discreet brand of fleshlight called Tenga, as their products doesn't really have the visible private parts of a female. And so the package arrived, I was able to get the package when everyone was busy doing their own stuff so no one knows. I hid my toy very well for the first couple of months, but recently as I noticed mom hasn't touched my closet. I began hiding it there, in the very back where if you open it you wouldn't see it easily. But college started and I rarely had the time to use it. SO, it's a complete utter shock of horror when I came back home and discovered that the old closet I had was completely new, all of my clothes are inside folded neatly, not a single fucking sight of my toy. Now I gotta live with the knowledge my mother has probably seen and disposed that shit. None of us until now has spoken a thing about it. TLDR; I came back home and mom replaced my closet which had my fleshlight stored in it.

TIFU by thinking if I close my gas cap to the point it clicked I thought I was breaking it, so I never clicked it, and now I have an EVAP Leak and a check engine light

Yeaaaahh...it is as it states. So obligatory, progressive fuck up, however, today was when it was discovered. I had a check engine light a few days prior and he said everything was fine but that my gas cap was loose then he fixed it by screwing it back on properly(go figure). Then he turned off my check engine light but it came on again later that day, but I didn't let that deter my plans for the weekend. I went with my boyfriend maybe 20 miles out. On our way back home he puts in gas for me and it goes away. Problem solved! Atleast I thought. Then today it came on again as I was heading for work. Well, fuck me right? I have bad anxiety so my first thought was,"your car is gonna explode" so I called off to get it checked(again). This time the mechanic says there's an EVAP leak. He said that my gascap was loose for too long. I realize then that I fucked up because for the good few months I've had this car- I never twisted the cap until it clicked because I thought I was damaging the gas cap. Expensive lesson to learn. TL;DR I never twisted my gas cap until it clicked and now I have to pay big money out of pocket to fix it.

TIFU by cheating at Scrabble as a prank.

About eleven years ago, I was regularly chatting online with a woman who would eventually become my wife. At this point in time, we were long-distance. English is her second language, and she wanted to play Scrabble online with me for practice (and fun). After a couple of rounds, I thought it would be funny to cheat for a round or two; and then reveal to her that I was cheating and have a laugh together about it. I've pranked her before this without any hard feelings, so I felt it was just harmless fun. I used some word unscrambler website and input all my tiles into it plus any tiles already on the board that I could potentially use. I was regularly using up all seven of my tiles after every turn. At first she was like "wow!" and "damn...". Then we did another round and she was starting to get really upset. I thought I'd better wrap up the prank, but then she was complaining to me that it's just not fun if I'm beating her badly like that and to maybe go easy on her just a bit because English isn't her first language. At this point, she was so upset, I was too scared to reveal I cheated, so I just told her I would chill out a bit. So we do another round, no more cheating. I kept getting bad tiles. It was legitimately a bad round for me. She was doing rather well while I was spelling words like "cat" and "for"; yet to her it looked like I was just patronizing her and going super insultingly easy on her. She lost her composure towards me and said she didn't want to play anymore. I apologized to her and just let her calm down. After a year of marriage, I told her I had a confession to make. She got an amused look on her face and asked me " what?". I admitted to the cheating and that I only meant it as a prank, that I planned on telling her (but didn't because she was so mad), and that I didn't actually patronize her because I really did do poorly on that third round. She laughed about it and told me she forgives me. TLDR: I tried to prank my wife by cheating at Scrabble. She got irritable over it. I then stopped cheating and did poorly at it, which came across as patronizing to her, which made her even angrier. I admitted to her what I had done years later and we both laughed about it.

TIFU by telling a student how he could find my MA thesis

I'm a college professor who works with dual enrollment students, and today I was at the high school working on a research workshop with my class. We're on literary analysis essays, so finding literary criticism was the name of the game. One of my students is writing on a similar subject to a grad school peer's thesis, so I forwarded that info to him and told my whole class that they can also use a thesis or dissertation as a source; they'll be long, but they're faculty reviewed, so it fits the criteria. They ask about my own thesis, so give them some general info: I wrote about a young adult fantasy author and the cultures, indigenous populations, and slavery in her world. For context here, my partner discovered a while ago that since there's not much literary criticism on this author, you can simply Google "[author's name] thesis" and my institution's page for it pops up as the first result (not repeating the name here so I don't add fuel to the fire). The student who I forwarded the relevant thesis to asked if mine was available online too, and I shared the above search term with him. He searches it at the same time I do (thankfully on my personal computer and not the one connected to the projector). What I managed to forget is that since the last time I did this search myself, I posted right here on Reddit, on this account, about my thesis. Answered questions, name dropped the full title, and shared a direct link to it... which is apparently enough for that Reddit thread to appear as the #2 search result on Google. I know he sees the first result because he reads the full title of my thesis out. I also know there's no way he missed the #2 search result. Thankfully he didn't mention it, and the school wifi blocks Reddit so he couldn't have looked over my entire history immediately, but now he (and any other student who happened to be listening) can easily find my reddit account. So, N.S., if you're reading this, congratulations on finding my personal social media. I'll ask that you don't go sharing it with the whole class, but I think you're more mature than that anyway. Enjoy the peek into my personal life! There's nothing here that I wouldn't want to associate with, but also some I don't share with students, and it's too much work to start a new account from scratch, so here it will stay. I think next time a student wants to see my thesis, I'll just send them the PDF... TL;DR: tried to tell my students how to find my thesis, second result on Google is my reddit account

TIFU by slapping my wife's ass and joking on her birthday

UPDATED ​ I (50M) have been married to my wife (53F) for 26 years. We have a strong and healthy marriage with 3 kids and I am in love with this woman. At this point in our lives we know all of each others likes and dislikes. One aspect of our relationship is that I enjoy trying to make her laugh with cheesy pickup lines, dirty jokes, and embarrassing comments (usually about myself). These are things that I only share with her and only in private. Normally I am a quiet and stoic in public. Recently on her birthday, after presents and birthday wishes, we were alone at home I slapped her on her ass, which I do a lot, and said: "Oh baby lets get it on! I've never been with a chick as old as you!" Of course I was joking but holy shit, she was not amused. I apologized and we worked through it but she said that I was a colossal asshole for making that joke. I didn't think that it was that bad but I kept my mouth shut since I was in the wrong here. I now need to make up for this so that her birthday ends on a positive note. TL;DR I slapped my wife on the ass on her birthday and said "Oh baby lets get it on! I've never been with a chick as old as you!" This is going to cost me. ​ EDIT: Thank you for all of the kind and not so kind words. I appreciated reading everyone's thoughts, opinions, and insights. Again, Thank You. Also, to the person who reported me to reddit for mental health support....my wife thought that was hilarious. ​ UPDATE: My wife and I worked through this issue quickly and she wasn't really that upset about my joke. It turns out that right before my joke she was thinking about her age and the changes to her body, specifically her hair. I don't think that I would shock anyone here when I say that my wife's hair color is not natural. She started going gray in her late 20's and has been regularly coloring it to hide it. She is self conscious about this and is bothered how society sees men with gray hair as distinguished but women with gray hair as old (her words not mine). Adding fuel to her internal fire is the fact that I have almost no gray hairs, only a few in my beard. Don't get me wrong, my wife is beautiful and it baffles me why she is concerned about her grays but it's one of her insecurities so I always try to reassure her. Well the combination of her birthday, the insecurity of her gray hairs, and the slight resentment of my lack of grays had her primed for an argument. I joked about her age then BOOM, it was on. As soon as she was done venting she realized that she was being irrational and told me as such which was awesome because I'm not dumb enough to point that out to her. I'm making it sound like she is unstable argument prone but that not true. Two or three times a year she will do something like this but it's just a coping mechanism that she has. I'm 100% ok with this and it helps her so in my opinion it's good. It's like she is verbally massaging some anger out of her body, it offers her relief in the end and I don't mind helping. On an positive note she has decided to embrace her grays. She is deciding on how to transition and I suggested getting a pixie cut. She had one when we were dating and I think she would look great with it.

TIFU by returning an iPad I found to a flight attendant

Sooo today I fucked up? Co-worker and I are boarding a flight and we finally get to what we thought was out row 15c 15f. They're both aisle seats and so we're sitting across from each other. After being seated for a minute I started looking at the row numbers again realized we were actually in row 16c and 16f instead of 15c and 15f. So in-between everyone trying to go past our and get seated we scooted ahead a row and sat down really quickly. After about 5 mins of being seated, i started reaching for my seatbelts and found an ipad behind my back in the seat. I don't know how I didn't feel it before or even see the purple case in the seat before I sat down, guess I wasn't really looking while trying to get out of people's way that we're trying to make it to the back. As far as I know, no one was ever sitting the seat so I thought perhaps someone left it from the previous flight because the guy next to me also didn't know who's it was and neither did my coworker. So i call the flight attendant and gave it to her. Fast forward 20 mins later while we're still on the ground and the last of people are boarding the girl in front of me turns around and ask if there's anything in the pocket of her seat. My eyes now widen as I realized what happened. I asked her what exactly are you looking for and she said an iPad. I told oh you're good I gave it to the flight attendant. So we tell the flight attendant and she comes back 3 mins later saying they gave it to the gate agent thinking someone had left it behind from the previous flight, and said they were working on getting it back, but if they don't, they have her information and will hopefully get it back to her. My heart sunk as I heard that and I couldn't help but feeling bad about what had just happened. The good news is that she lives in the city where we were taking off from and they know what seat she was in and her information so I'd like to think that she eventually gets it back at some point in the next few days. TL;DR Gave flight attendant an iPad I found in my seat and they gave it to the gate agent thinking it was from previous flight. Girl in front of me turns around and ask if I found an iPad after it was too late to recover.

TIFU signing the wrong word to Deaf church member

Didn’t happen today but about 25 years ago and still haunts me then makes me laugh. I spent the better part of 9 months starting to learn American Sign Language on a whim. I'm a visual learner, there were classes and as a 14 year old I didn't have much else to do so I started learning. Armed with the $25 community sign language classes once a week for 8 weeks and my trusty dictionaries, I endeavored to make the most of my fingers and arms. The saying goes as you learn sign language that any interaction with someone else fluent, especially the Deaf is for your benefit... until you make a mistake and are mortified of your lack of fluency in the language. One of the places I practiced my newly developed sign language skills was in a Southern Baptist church in a rural part of Kentucky. There was one Deaf man, Mark, that attended and there was church member that knew sign language, Becky the church pianist. Although the pianist did her best going between tickling the ivories and doing real time signing the spoken sermons -- it was a lot for her to do. As my courage built up I started signing and interacting with Mark, he humored me and would communicate with me. He was clearly faster and had a larger vocabulary but would read my finger spelling and show me signs so I could build my skills mid phrase as I signed. One day Mark arrived early at church and had signed to me "Where + Becky" to which I dutifully signed "Becky + always + arrive + church + early + don't know + where + now". He seemed confused and humored at the same time and gestured "again." I signed the entire phrase again "Becky + always + arrive + church + early + don't + know + where + now." He then signed "you know 'early' mean?" I was confident I used the correct sign and I quickly signed "yes" and finger spelled "E A R L Y." With a slight grin he motioned for me to stop signing and rebutted: my "early" was in fact a similar sign I had used, but with a slight 90 degree change in the position of the right hand. Then he shared the sign I had used was in fact NUDE. I had just told someone in church that another church member always comes to church nude. Sorry Becky I know you don't come to church nude, mistakes were made. Names changed to protect those nude church members. TL;DR: While learning American Sign Language I signed the wrong word by 90 degrees, ultimately communicating that a church member comes to church nude while wanting to say they arrive early.

TIFU by ruining my friend's chance to lose his virginity.

This happened last night. I (21M) was at a massive college frat party at our campus' largest frat house. I went with my friend Mike (21M), who was a virgin. He was determined to lose that title at the party, specifically with this girl he had his sights set on, Jennifer (20F). We got to the party at around 8 PM, and most of the guests were already there. They had all the standard activities set up, beer pong, drinking games and the like. Naturally, we all gradually got drunk. By maybe 10 PM, most of the party's guests were either laid out hammered somewhere in the house, or they were occupying the bathrooms and using them for more intimate purposes. Mike had been chatting with Jennifer the whole night, and I knew it was going really well. After both of them had a few drinks in them, they proceeded to find one of these bathrooms to get down to business in. I was so excited for him! It even seemed like Jennifer was the one coming on to Mike and making most of the moves which was awesome to see. Now, nobody was allowed to have sex in any room except the bathrooms. Naturally, all of the restrooms were taken, except for one. They pounced on the opportunity and went inside. Here's where I f'ed up, bad. Out of nowhere I was hit with this ridiculous urge to go number 2. I can not emphasize enough how out of left field this urge was. No indication, no slow build-up to the crisis, nothing, just straight to the climax. I checked all the other bathrooms and they were all still occupied. This left me with two choices. 1: Try to hold it in and inevitably fail to do so, resulting in a grotesque, embarassing, and very public scene. 2: Knock on Mike's restroom, apologize profusely, explain my situation to them, and hope they'd leave me to do my business and resume their activity after I finish. Whether I made the right decision as a friend, I'll let you decide. But I went with the lesser of the evils which, in my mind, was option 2. Holding the storm back as strong as possible, I went up to the room and knocked on the door. After Mike and Jennifer ignored the knock, I yelled "Mike, it's John! It's an emergency!" He opened the door very slightly and poked his head through the gap to talk to me. "Dawg, what the hell could you possibly need at this specific moment?" He whispered to me. I told him about my emergency, and I explained that they could continue after I was done. Mike was visibly frustrated, understandably, but he understood my condition. He closed the door again, presumably to get himself and Jennifer changed, as well as explain the reason for the hiccup to her. One grueling minute later, and they left the room. I dashed in, closed the door, and unleashed an absolute monster of a bowel movement. Thankfully, the emergency was taken care of. However, there was one more issue. The smell. Now, I can't put into words how bad it smelled in there after that natural disaster. It was truly, and I really do mean truly, unbearable. The cherry on top? There was no air freshener to be found in that wretched bathroom (though I dare say that not even Febreeze could have salvaged that dreadful odor). I really didnt know what to do. I flushed the toilet again hoping to ameliorate the situation, but that didn't help. The smell continued to linger. I washed my hands, closed the lid on the toilet, and hoped for the best. I opened the door, and told Mike I was done. As they approached, I pulled Mike aside and whispered to him what had just transpired. He actually found it pretty funny. Jennifer, however, did not. Soon as she stepped one foot in the doorway she was hit by that toxic gas. She turned right round, came up to Mike and told him that she could not be in that room. She turned to me, called me a disgusting pig, and stormed off. Mike went after her, but I guess she didnt want anything to do with him, since she told him to leave her alone. Mike came back to me, depressed because he lost his opportunity to lose his virginity, and pissed at me because it was completely my fault. I felt so embarassed, ashamed, and most of all, guilty for ruining Mike's chance. He left the party without me, and I havent talked to him since the party, which was yesterday. I don't think this is a big enough deal for us to lose our friendship, as Mike's a really good dude and a great friend, which just makes me feel even worse about what I did. TL;DR: I (21M) went to a party with my virgin friend (21M). He was hitting it off with this girl (20F), and they were about to do the deed, when I had to suddenly use the bathroom immediately. I had to use the bathroom that they were about to do it in, and I left a terrible smell that threw the girl off and ruined his chance to lose his virginity.

TIFU thinking I was getting Knighted

My brother had a TBI so I help with his two kids. I don’t have children of my own, so I have no idea what I am doing. I just have fun with them and make sure they know they are loved. I was sitting with my niece watching Trolls and a part of the movie made me want to remind her I will always be there for her. She took that as she is a queen and told me I am her guardian. I smiled and said of course. She then said I have to pass a test. I thought she was going to just ask me some questions or something. My nephew loves weapons (I don’t) and happens to have two plastic katanas. She walked into his room and grabbed a katana and I thought she was going to knight me or something. Instead, she hit me with two strikes I somehow blocked and then stabbed me in the eye. It was an accident (I hope, at least) and she was a sweetheart about it after it happened. She immediately started trying to distract me while I was in pain so I didn’t think about it, and I will always love her for that. I am just her uncle, so I just played it off as best as I could while also going and washing my eye over and over. I am not only dumb, but I am not a Knight TL;DR I am not a Knight Update: someone on here hit me up and I just had the most real experience I have ever had from Reddit. Don’t let people tell you Reddit is just a bunch of trolls! I just had someone give me a lot of advice and it was clear their intent was genuine.

TIFU by getting goaded into a footrace

Ok, I (40F) am so annoyed with myself. Also embarrassed. Was hanging out with friends this weekend and one of my oldest friends (41M, friends since middle school) started joking that he could beat me in a foot race. Just like a 20 yard sprint. I thought about it and I truly couldn't really guess who'd win, it could go either way. But his shit talking just kept going and going and finally I said "All right, let's race!" So we hit the pavement. A few seconds in, we're neck and neck. Next thing I know, huge pop from my hamstring. My leg completely seized and it sent me tumbling to the ground. HARD. I am so lucky that I didn't end up with worse injuries from that fall in asphalt! My hand i scraped up pretty badly, but that's about it. But y'all...I have injured this same hamstring before. And this is SO MUCH WORSE. I can barely walk, it is insane. Gonna go to an ortho urgent care in the AM. Glad my husband can take me cause there's no way I could drive. When I told my husband "hey, thanks for not making me feel like a dumb dumb for hurting myself" he said "What?! Why would you think that? you strove...you hurt yourself while trying to challenge yourself." That made me feel soooo much better. haha And right now, I am so effed up. All I can do is RICE. I can't lift my leg, I can stand and shuffle, just takes a really long time. The hammy keeps spasming. it's so incredibly painful. If my friend hadn't talked so much shit, I'd never have raced at all, so technically it's his fault lolol TLDR: I got seriously injured because I ran a foot race with a friend who said they were faster than me. Crushed by my own hubris.

TIFU my graduation party with the most painful shit in my life

After I graduated High school, my (at the time 18f) family held a joint graduation for me and my other cousins that were in my grade. It was a decent get together, with maybe 25 people at a building beside a church that my grandparents had rented for the event. So there we were, eating, talking, seeing family memebers we hadn't seen in awhile. Somewhere during the middle of the event, I felt a pain in the pit of my stomach. There were two bathrooms, one full with a shower, and one regular single person bathroom. So I go into the singlle use that was connected to the kitchen, and do the usual stop and squat. I immediately knew something was wrong, I felt so sick, and I started feeling myself straining. When I tell you this poop was wide, I mean it was serious wide. Like routond, fist sized. I was in so much agony, that I was crying and I must've been loud, because my mom was sent to the door to check on me. When she came in, I was embarrassed, but desperate enough to ask if she thought I could seperate the piece with a spoon. I want to mention too that I was bleeding quite a bit from that end, and was at a point where I was losing my dignity all together. I later found out that yes, EVERYONE could hear me crying to myself and all my embarrassing I-have-a-monster-turd-in-my-body sounds. By the end, I had probably spent a good 40min crying in the bathroom trying to shove out that football fist of a turd. I had to gather myself backup, wash my face (I had been crying my eyes out from it being so painful), and go back out, no one spoke a word of it. It was nearing the end of our get together, where they showed pictures of myself, sister, and cousin while pointing out each of our accomplishments. I was so out of it, I think they may've just skipped me. My poor sweet grandpa, just looked over at me, and keep things moving without missing a beat. To this day, NO ONE has ever mentioned it or asked me about to my face. I guarantee that they all remember it, I know I will. I have never taken a shit like that in my life and never hope to ever again. Also, please know this was 100% poop, not a miscarriage or anything related to pregnancy. Apologies to all those who exerpience that type of tramua and loss. TLDR- Took the widest shit ever at a family party, and everyone could hear my agony.

TIFU The Unforgettable Farewell of Our Beloved Blue Heeler

In the twilight of her years, our spirited blue heeler, who had been a beacon of joy and loyalty in our family, fell ill. It was with heavy hearts that we made the compassionate decision to let her rest peacefully, sparing her from further pain. The return home from the vet was somber, as we carried her to her favorite spot in front of the fireplace. It was a silent tribute to her, a final resting place where the kids could say their goodbyes before being ushered to bed, unaware of the permanence of this farewell. As the evening waned and the house settled into quiet, a peculiar realization dawned on us. If she had been her usual self, she would have moved away from the warmth of the fire, which she loved but always in moderation. Concerned that she was “overheating,” we moved her to the cool embrace of the night air, hoping to preserve the serene image we had created for the morning. Dawn broke with a serene quiet, but what awaited us was far from the peace we had envisioned. Our beloved heeler had transformed overnight, bloated and emanating an unforgettable stench from every orifice, a stark contrast to the dignified farewell we had hoped to provide. In a frantic effort to shield this sight from the children, she was swiftly placed in the car, destined for her final resting place. The journey there was a battle against the olfactory assault, windows down, head out, a comedic image that belied the sorrow of the task at hand. Arriving at the burial site, I worked quickly to prepare her for burial before the rest of the family arrived. The surreal scene of trying to cover her with earth, each shovel of dirt bouncing off her like a macabre balloon, was a final, unexpected challenge in our quest to say goodbye with dignity. Despite the morning's trials, we stood together as a family at her grave, the air now clear, the earlier chaos subdued. We shared stories of her loyalty, her quirks, and the joy she brought to our lives, a fitting tribute to a beloved pet whose final hours were as uniquely memorable as her life with us. TL;DR - I cooked my loved pet dog

TIFU by returning to my dorm room

Alright so I go to a nice university and I’ve been friends with my roommate since 6th grade. Today his girlfriend came over so naturally I gave him the room. I was actually really productive. I went shopping, went to the library to finish homework, and got some dinner. All for a grand total of 6 hours. I gave him the room for 6 hours thinking that it was enough time. I told him to lock the door so that he’d hear my keys, and I also texted him when I was on the way back. Well, I got back. Spent an extra 5-6 seconds jiggling my keys in the doors in a last minute attempt to alert him that I was coming in. I slowly open the door and bam. Doggystyle in the middle of the room. I’ll be sure to call next time. FML. Tl;dr: Roommates friend came over. Gave him the room for 6 hours. Came back to see them having sex.

TIFU by Measuring a Coworkers Desk with My Hands

This is incredibly embarrassing. A girl at work was approved for a couple new, bigger, computer monitors. She is a document controller and works with AutoCAD drawings. We didn't have a standard model for Monitors above 24" so I sent her a couple models and monitor stands via email and asked what she liked. A little while later on another call I walked by her office and talked to her about the monitors. At one point she asked if I thought 32 inch monitors would even fit on her desk. I found the dimensions of the monitors and started measuring the length of her desk with my hands in 6.5 inch increments. I found it would be a tight fit, but it would work. She then asked me how I knew my thumb and finger were 6.5 inches apart and I.....stumbled. I couldn't think of a legitimate reason why I would know this. She then looked at me and went oooh, and started giggling...... I turned absolutely beat red and felt my face getting hot and completely garbled my excuse that didn't make any sense whatsoever and it made her start laughing harder. Her laughter drew in the coworkers on either side of her office. A guy and girl, and they came over and asked what was 6.5 inches? She thankfully told them it was nothing and just a joke measuring her desk ......But I think my red face and inability to look anyone in the eyes, may have given something up...I was soo embarrassed I wanted to run out of her office. TL;DR One of my married coworkers and potentially 2 more coworkers know a little bit more information about me than a coworker should really know.

TIFU by turning my family into a Victorian-era sitcom

Like most good TIFUs this one unfolded over time. For context my extended family are slightly snobby English Academics, however I am a down-to-earth Canadian. A couple years back, while at home one day, taking a prod at our family heritage and because I thought it would be funny, I referred to my only child using an overly formal Victorian style. "Hey Daughter." I said pausing to see if I could get her attention and amusement, at 9 years old she was already pretty sharp and after a pause and with a sly smirk responded "Yes Father?". I must admit, I flinched on the inside. Now of course I couldn't just leave it at that, I started referring to her as "Daughter" regularly. "Daughter, could you put out the garbage?", "Daughter, what would you like for dinner?", yet the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and she not only doubled down on calling me "Father" but started calling her mother "Mother" as well. Her mother hates it. It dawned on me a couple months ago that we no longer use any casual family names at all. To my amusement (and low key horror) the Victorian style has stuck and we now refer to each other in the way any standard Victorian family would without even thinking about it. While it's fun to be unique, it also makes us the exact thing I was mocking. To anyone outside the immediate family, we probably sound unbearable. I guess I should be a little more careful about who I mock in the future. Yours Sincerely, Father. TL;DR: Called my daughter "Daughter" am now stuck for like being called "Father" forever.

TIFU by ruining two sisters’ relationship with each other.

Go ahead and do your worst. Can’t be any worse than how I’m feeling right now. 30M here. Been friends with this one gal (24F) for a while after we met through some mutual friends. There’s always been hints that she liked me and at one point I felt that spark too, but she was dating another guy off and on for a while (real complicated situation) so I never pursued anything. Tried real hard not to lead her on but I ain’t great at reading people so maybe I fucked that up too. Anyhow, I met her sister (34F) at a couple of parties we went to and I vibed with her a lot better than younger sis. We agreed to grab a bite and did that a couple of times, and both outings went well. We never slept together or anything like that, most we did was hug. Today older sis calls me in a frenzy because younger sis somehow found out about us meeting up and blew up her phone saying she used me, that we slept together, on and on. Tried contacting younger sis myself but she ain’t talking to me, and it sounds like their connection is pretty much fried. I’ve never had much luck with dating and I really thought this could go somewhere, but apparently dating ain’t for me. Worse is that now I created a huge rift in the family. Goddamn. TLDR: went out with a friend’s sister, friend found out about it, and now they ain’t talking to each other.

TIFU My bad habits are finally catching up to me, especially after last night.

Alright so this fuck up is more so the results of my choices over time but last night did me in. So I don’t know if I have a fucking eating disorder or what, cuz I’m rarely hungry, and my body seems to be able to sustain itself off of weed, nicotine, alcohol, and coffee. Of course I still eat, just very inconsistently. Lots of days I don’t eat or hardly eat then other days I’ll consume 6000 calories in one sitting and eat four meals in a day. That is an issue if it’s own and not my reason for posting here but it’s needed for context. So I also have terrible sleeping habits. I know this but still volunteer myself to go work mornings cuz I’m a fool. Oh yeah and I’m also fighting off some stupid infection or something. Not bad, just enough to be irritating headache and my chest hurts and I think it’s because my dumb chain smoking ass likes to go run 4-5 miles a day in the cold in shorts and a t shirt. Anyways, I’m just realizing today how dumb I am. I’m sitting at work off of like 3 hours of sleep, nothing but coffee, nicotine, and the 12 beers and glass of wine I drank last night in my system. I smoked like two grams of weed at 3 am and had to get up at 7:30. I have another 5-6 hours here and I feel like dying. But it’s all my fault and I’m just posting here because I’m mad at myself and realized I’ve been consistently fucking myself up lol. I wanna go home and sleep. TLDR I have terrible lifestyle. I stay up late and sustain myself off of alcohol weed and nicotine. There’s some coffee and food thrown in there occasionally too. I run everyday and don’t sleep and my life choices are finally catching up to me while I’m at work and it’s only gunna get worse.

TIFU by dropping a deuce at school.

TIFU by taking a dook, with the boys. So, this occurred many moons ago when I was playing high school football. If this isn't common knowledge.. it's important to clear out the system before a football game. Getting away from practice and having to take off all of the equipment is a no-go, especially on game day. So game-day is upon us. It's a Saturday morning which means that school is basically empty. A group of us guys heads to the "business district", of our school. This is a subterranean section behind the gym where most of the administrators work. They always had the best restrooms. Clean and quiet. No interruptions, especially on a weekend since nobody's working. We could even take over the girls room, which had about six stalls available for our bowel evacuation needs. So we're all pooping in the girls room on a Saturday morning before the game. All of the sudden, the lights go out! Since this restroom is in a subterranean part of the school, there are no windows. In an instant, it goes pitch dark. We hear the cackling of the teammate that plunged us into pure darkness. What my teamate didn't realize though, is that I was done pooping. I'd cleansed my ass and I was pulling my drawers up when the light went out. He didn't realize that I was going to burst through that stall door, get to the main door, chase him down the hallway and layeth the smacketh down on his candy ass. This all played out in my head simply enough. I did miss one important detail: Most of our stalls opened outward. You'd flip the latch and the door would open out into the room. I, however, chose to dump in the handicapped stall. This stall actually opened inward towards the toilet. So when I quickly flipped that latch and tried to burst through the unlocked door, it didn't actually open and I essentially ran face-first into the wall. Worse yet, the coat-hanger that sticks out from the inside of the stall door struck me right in the middle of my forehead! I hit it so hard that my vision turned red for a moment! I hit that stall door hard, it was loud and I screamed in shock and pain. A few seconds later the bathroom light came on. I was covered in blood from forehead to my chest. All we had in the restroom were those crappy brown paper towels.. which don't absorb worth a darn. I was getting checked on by my teammates when the embarrassment struck. "You gotta tell coach, dude". Two hours before game-time and I have to tell coach that I lacerated my forehead on the coat hanger of the handicapped stall because I was goofing around during my pre-game dookie. Our medical trainer applied some butterfly strips and wrapped my head in gauze. Coach made me sit out for the first quarter. It was the only game I didn't start in my football career. TLDR forgot the handicapped stall opened the other way and the coat hanger busted my forehead open before a game. Had to tell coach I hurt myself while dropping a deuce with the boys.

TIFU by Deleting 2 Years of Data and Almost Nuked Our Company $$$ (But Slack Saved the Day!?)

Hey Reddit, buckle up for a story of epic proportions, involving a colossal screw-up, a heart-stopping panic attack, and a surprisingly smooth recovery - all thanks to the unsung hero: Slack. As the co-founder of a bootstrapped tech startup, I wear many hats. One fateful Tuesday, I donned my "database admin" hat, tasked with optimizing a script used for local testing. Now, call it sleep deprivation or sheer carelessness, but I completely missed the crucial detail: **the script was still configured to access our production database**, not the testing one. Cue dramatic music. With a click of the "run" button, I unleashed digital Armageddon. Two years of valuable customer data, the lifeblood of our product **generating hundreds of thousands of dollars monthly**, vanished into the abyss. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomach lurched, my palms grew clammy, and visions of angry customers and investor pitchforks danced in my head. Frantic damage control ensued. We scrambled for backups, desperately hoping for a miracle. Thankfully, the data gods smiled upon us. A backup, albeit not the most recent one, existed. But here's the kicker: **it was missing the last 2-3 months of data** \- a significant chunk representing crucial business insights and user interactions. Panic morphed into a different kind of dread. We braced ourselves for the inevitable customer backlash. And it came, swift and furious. Our support channels overflowed with messages - confused, frustrated users asking where their data had gone. The pressure mounted, threatening to crush us under the weight of our mistake. But amidst the chaos, a glimmer of hope emerged. Remember how I mentioned wearing many hats? Well, one of them involved setting up automated Slack notifications for every action on our platform - new signups, subscriptions, the whole shebang. This seemingly insignificant detail turned into our lifeline. We realized that these **Slack messages contained a treasure trove of data - timestamps, user IDs, and even snippets of actions taken**. It wasn't perfect, but it was a digital breadcrumb trail leading back to the lost data. With renewed determination, we upgraded our Slack plan to access the API and embarked on a data reconstruction mission. We wrote scripts, parsed messages, and pieced together the puzzle, bit by bit. It was tedious, yes, but the alternative - a product crippled by data loss - was far worse. And guess what? **It worked**! Within two glorious hours, we had rebuilt the missing data using those very Slack messages. It was 99.99% identical to the original and close enough to restore functionality and appease our anxious customers. **TL;DR: I accidentally deleted 2 years of production data, but thanks to automated Slack notifications and some quick thinking, we managed to recover most of it within hours, averting a potential company-crushing disaster.** This experience taught me a valuable lesson: even the most seemingly insignificant details can have a major impact. It also highlighted the power of automation and communication tools like Slack. So, remember, folks, daily backups are crucial (LOL), but sometimes, the solution might be hiding in the most unexpected places, waiting to be discovered. Additionally, tiny bootstrapped companies trying to grow and move fast don't always have technical procedures in place, a.k.a., 'move fast and break things' :-D Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go hug my Slack notification settings and update them with even more emojis. They deserve it. Edit 1: Not trying to promote Slack :)

TIFU by attending a disability speed dating event

Last night I fucked up pretty badly, I’m a 27-year-old guy who’s been single for about four years. Recently, I’ve been pretty desperate to meet someone, so I signed up for speed dating events and other stuff on Facebook. I’ll admit I didn’t do my homework, and I’m kinda feeling like an asshole about it because it was catered towards people with disabilities. So, I showed up to this event without knowing much about it, at first glance honestly it seemed like any other event, there was maybe two people in wheelchairs or walking sticks but I didn’t pay attention to it. My colleague Morgan (25f), who I’ve worked with on a few projects, was there too. We’re not super close, just a bit formal. She gave me a look but didn’t come over. The first few table was chill, none of the girls declared a disability or asked me for mine. However, when I got to Morgan’s, she asked what I was doing there. I was confused, thinking it was obvious. She explained she’s neurodivergent and that the event was set up by a local charity to help mature neurodivergent get experience dating. I had no clue she was on the spectrum; we only had a professional relationship. I explained I’d simply signed up without reading about the even, felt awkward so I apologised and then handed in my slip, and left. Now, work was awkward today, and the lady organizing the event has been texting me about some names. I’m scared to respond because I don’t want to feel like I messed up by invading their space or taking advantage of people with disabilities. TL;DR - Desperate for a relationship, I joined a speed dating event without realizing it was for people with disabilities. Awkward encounter with a colleague, Morgan, who pointed out my mistake. Now work was uncomfortable, and the event organizer is reaching out, leaving me conflicted and unsure how to handle the situation.

TIFU by buying a computer monitor

So I actually F’d up a few days ago, but didn’t know until today, when the monitor arrived. You see, I’ve been wanting a computer real bad. Haven’t had one in 15 years. I’m almost there. So I’ve been buying all the accessories I will need, like a desk, surge protector, computer monitor. I’ve been keeping a weather eye open for sales, and I saw online at Target that they have some real good deals on refurbished monitors. The reviews are, like, good *enough* for me to pull the trigger and order it. I looked at the size, I did. I thought to myself, *That’s probably good, it might be a little smaller than my boyfriend’s, but I don’t really need a big one like he does.* He’s playing COD in high def and I’m just wanting some farming sims, you know. Now, I am notoriously very very very bad at being given a measurement and picturing that size thing accurately, but somehow I felt confident this time. This thing is a 31” monitor. YOU PROBABLY ALREADY SEE THE FU. Because you know how big 31” is. ITS BIGGER THAN THE DESK I GOT TO PUT IT ON. TLDR.. Bought a monitor. Can’t imagine sizes of things in my head. It’s comically large. Edit: Alright I’m seeing a lot of, “that’s not that big” comments. Let’s all realize that my last computer monitor was a **CRT** one, thicker than it was tall or wide. 31” is like a dang big screen TV!!

TIFU by washing my face with hand soap

It’s about as stupid as it sounds. I am 22 weeks pregnant and struggling with hormonal acne. I have been making sure to manage my skin by using a gentle cleanser and moisturizer at least twice a day. This is especially important after getting off of working my second job in a restaurant and being around a greasy kitchen. Last night I got home at around 10:30, after working all day as a teacher then another 5.5 hours bartending and I was exhausted. Just as I was ready to pass out for the night, I remembered I hadn’t yet washed my face and my face wash was in the main bathroom. My step son was in the bathroom and I was too lazy to put pants on to go get it anyway, so I settled for what we have in our tiny master bathroom, hand soap. See, it did cross my mind that this was stupid, especially because I’ve had reactions to scented soaps/lotions before, but the pregnancy brain and exhaustion were too strong for me to resist the convenience. As soon as the soap hit my skin I was like okay, this is stupid and washed it off immediately. I then said F— it and just went to bed. I woke up a few hours later with my neck itching like crazy, and again stupidly thought it was because I was hot and sweating. This morning I awoke to see a huge, red, bumpy rash all over my face and neck. I am having a bad allergic reaction. I am so physically uncomfortable I want to cry. The worst part is that I did this to myself. I’ve really been struggling with my appearance with my pregnant body changed and had planned a “self-care Saturday morning” before I work again tonight where I’d do a hair mask, exfoliate, and use some self tanner before I have to work again tonight but I’m too scared to put anything other than unscented lotion on my face. Last time I had a reaction to a scented lotion, the rash spread over my whole body and lasted two weeks. TL;DR: was too tired to properly wash my face, used hand soap, further crushed my self-image and caused myself extreme discomfort and itchines

TIFU by sexting with my partner

I am such an idiot but at least I have a funny story to share with everyone on Reddit. Yesterday, my partner of six years left to visit her parents for the night and will be coming back home this evening. After a bit of back and forth messaging this morning, she informed me that she was feeling horny. Naturally I become her waitor at the sexting cafe and ask her what she would like to select from the menu, and she asks for the house specialty: a video of me cumming with the sound on (aside: fellas, if your partner ever wants a video of an orgasm, always be vocal for them!). I tell her it will be coming right up. Time to get to business. Don't want to keep her waiting. I strip completely naked and straighten up the bedroom a little bit for the sake of video quality and then suddenly an idea pops into my head which will soon be my downfall. I decided that the crown jewel of this video will be that I'll wear black fingerless gloves to set this video apart from a typical JO sext. I knew that this wouldn't be as comfortable and pleasurable as just my hand, but these are the sacrifices we make for our ladies. I get to work. It's going fine so far but for some reason I'm having some trouble finishing. I figure it's just because the leather isn't quite as nice as my hand. The battle continues, but I decide a break is in order to find some better material to look at. Uh oh. I take a look at my johnson and to find that the abrasive glove has left a couple of blisters on my partner in crime. The slightest hint of bleeding. Oh fuck. I immediately get up and care for my wounded comrade, with peroxide and soap. The works. Send an apology to my partner explaining the situation. After she makes sure I'm okay she laughs and rightfully calls me an idiot. Now I have potentially jeopardized the further sexual activity originally slotted for tonight and have some silly pain between my legs. TL;DR: My partner asked a video of me masturbating, and I tried to spice it up by wearing leather fingerless gloves, resulting in me giving my dick a couple of blisters and potentially ruining our sex for the night.

TIFU by booking the wrong flight date for a group of people.

Hello Reddit, this is actually my first time posting in this platform and as the title says, today I fucked up after realizing that I booked the wrong flight date for a group's return flight. I just graduated from college and got my first work as a university research assistant for a research project. I was tasked to book flights for all of the group returning from our city to theirs after the research training. 2 days after the booking date, I rechecked the itinerary and was shocked to find out that I got the dates to be 3 days earlier than the expected return date and ultimately booked the wrong flight date. I talked to the customer service regarding my mistake and all they could do was to rebook the flight as flights are non-refundable. I explained to my project head that it was my own fault for not double checking the dates and I was blinded by the promo flights in order to get a cheaper rate and save more money for the project. I have to rebook their flights because I fucked up and I explained to my leader regarding the situation and I took the responsibility to shoulder the expensive rebooking fees because of my carelessness. I came from a relatively poor family and had a few savings from doing part time jobs during college and everything went poof after my first blunder of my first full time work. I don't know what to do but I feel like crying, and punching myself for my mistakes. Right now, I'm just trying my best to get my shit together and trying to resolve myself after this fuck up. I just want this off my chest and thank you for reading my fuck up. TL:DR I didn't check the correct booking dates and got them wrong and had to shoulder the heavy rebooking fee.

TIFU by popping a pimple down there

Beware, as this story might be pretty gruesome for some people. Also English isn't my first language so please ignore any grammar mistakes. So I (18F), noticed a pimple growing down there about three-ish weeks ago. I ignored it at first, as it wasn't painful and not very big either. But then, this week (on Monday) it starting hurting like a bitch, I couldn't even sit down without feeling like someone was stabbing me. So I tried calling for a doctor appointment but there weren't any vacant spots until the end of next week, I waited until Thursday, but the pain was just unbearable, so I decided that I was going to pop the pimple on my own. I grabbed a needle, disinfected it with some rubbing alcohol, washed it with soap and water then blindly started poking despite the area of vision being rather limited since I considered that using something like a mirror wouldn't be necessary. Well, while draining the pimple I must've stabbed myself a little too hard because suddenly blood started gushing like a literal fountain while I felt like someone was ripping my thing off. I immediately stopped, grabbed a whole roll of toilet paper and started shoving it, the bleeding fortunately stopped, but the pain didn't. I called my doctor later that day and explained what happened. Needless to say, she was not very happy with the decision I had made. I have an appointment for Monday, hopefully I haven't damaged something. Btw, it's currently the color of a tomato, the pimple definitely got smaller, and isn't as swollen tho. I blame the Spanish health care system for this. EDIT: I should have specified it was not my leg or the outside, it was near the interior labia of the vulva, which is near "the hole". TL;DR I popped a pimple down there and caused a niagara falls of blood while experiencing both immense pain and regret, as well as the great pleasure of being born with a uterus.

TIFU by phrasing something in a creepy way

So I work at a rather large gym and machines are all over the place and a young women came up to the counter asking where she can find a specific machine in the gym. I showed her the machine on the cameras that we have and told her specifically where she could find it in the gym. She said its her first at the gym so she might have a hard time finding it, I couldn't show her where it was in person since its just me working and I can't really just leave the reception and not serve other members. Knowing this, I did look at the cameras here and there to see if she would actually find it. Later on she comes out and says thanks, she found the machine. Without even thinking, in my auto pilot night shift brain I just said "I know," in the most deadpan tone and she looked at me a bit confused and then I realised how weird that just sounded. She then asked how and I was like I was seeing how long it would take you to find the machine, she then laughed, told me im funny and left but I can't help but feel she felt creeped out and now I feel very strange and can't get the moment out of my head on this shift. Maybe im just overthinking this but yeah... TL:DR: Girl wanted to find a gym machine, I tell her where it is, she finds it and thanks me, and I say "I know" in quite the creepy manner.

TIFU by not locking the door to a public restroom

This was a few months ago but I thought I'd tell this story anyway. My uncle, my grandmother, and I were at a Wendy's for dinner one day as a way to change things up. We had also gone shopping for some groceries at Wal-Mart, among some other errands. We were sitting at the table, enjoying our dinner, when I felt a rumble in my stomach and the procession in my bowels advancing. I knew that it was time to donate some logs to Wendy's enterprise. The bathroom was not like your typical public restroom with stalls. It was more like a traditional bathroom, one person at a time. I was in a rush to do my business so I just closed the door behind me and got to pinching loaves. A few minutes into my appointment on the porcelain throne, I heard a jiggle on the door handle. Turds were evacuating my butthole as this was happening, so I couldn't do anything. I was helpless, whoever was trying to get in was going to get in. The door swings open and a Wendy's employee, a man no older than 25 with a blond beard and blonder hair, stocky physique, sees me as I bare it all. My shriveled Johnson and my bare ass on the toilet seat. This stranger had witnessed yours truly in the most intimate position one could be seen in. He mutters to himself "Jesus fucking Christ" and slams the door behind him, perhaps equally as traumatized by seeing a stranger baring it all for him. I finished my business and held my blunder as close to my heart as I could, until now, anyway. TL;DR: I forgot to lock the door while taking a dump at a fast food joint, an employee walked in and saw everything.

TIFU by sleeping with the wrong woman!?

let me start of by giving you the average run down of myself, or at least how society sees me. Truat me it is important to know . You will soon see why. So, I am a 30 year old convict with an extensive criminal record. I am currently on probation. I also have a history of drug addiction, and two years ago I went to rehab to try to fix my issues. I'm happy to say my recovery stuck and now I have two years clean and I haven't violated probation once this time around. I am also covered in tattoos, go figure. OK with that put the way. The residential treatment facility is where I met the woman this entire story is about. While I was in rehab, multiple probation officers would come to visit and see their clients at the facility. I tried my best to steer clear from them. Oh I should mention at this time I'm in a brand new county, but the notoriety from my foolish ways in my hometown followed me. One of the female officers is a dime, gorgeous, fit, and ofcourse all the guys I'm at the facility with talk about all the bad things they'd do with a woman like that. I can't lie, it was sorta on my bucket list to hook up with a cop, it's a regular fantasy that almost all convicts have. So this specific, fine ass officer walks up to me at rehab one day and says " hello Shane, your from ***** county huh.?" And I awkwardly say yes, instantly realizing she knows about all my wrongdoings ... mind you I never got in trouble for violence or sex crimes, just weapons and drugs really, but either way I feel at this moment, the sexy officer lady hates my guts and thinks I'm the dumbest addict in the entire facility. Right... wrong...:) About a year down the road. I'm working full-time. Living on my own... but still on probation. She calls me out of the blue and asks me " are you manifesting me to think about you? " I laughed and said" no but I can if you want me to" I proceeded to lay down what little game I have because the window is obviously open. We started sneakily meeting up every other week to well, you know ;) do the dang thing... I should mention now that she is unhappily married. Has a 3 yr old kid with this man. So if anyone found out about our little affair, her entire life would crumble apart. Not only would it force a divorce and custody battle, but she'd get fired because she is a probation officer for the county that I am currently on probation in! A few days ago she met up with me to tell me she is pregnant. So I'm either the daddy or her husband is. I think I fucked up big time... at least for her sake. It is all quite embarrassing. TL:DR - I am a felon with a criminal history, currently on probation, sleeping with a woman, or having an affair really, cause she is married with kids. This woman is a probation officer in the county I'm on probation in. It's been a sneaky link up untill recently she told me she was pregnant. So the father could definitely be me, or her husband. Shit is about to hit the fan. :/ 🤘

TIFU by taking the trash out

So last night I was working on some homework, and my mom and sister were hanging out, well they eventually got into an argument and my sister ended up saying she didn’t want to live at my moms. At first my mom thought it was a joke, but then my sister started crying, saying she felt like a guest, for context I live with my mom full time and my sister is here every other week, she has an air mattress in the living room (no one really goes out there so she has a sense of privacy and her own space there) and space in the room for her stuff but she wants her own room. Well she started to pack her stuff up so and my mom called my dad to explain what was going on, since this was a Thursday all the trash has to go out. I noticed the trash was full and decided to take a break and take it out, since I usually take the trash cans to the curb I have to round up all the trash and any trash bags get put by the laundry room door to make it easier for me to take out. Well my sister had packed a majority of her clothes into a trash bag, and she put it by the laundry room door. I think you can see where this is going, so I accidentally threw her clothes out and didn’t think twice because it felt too heavy to be clothes and she had boxes and regular bags, so I didn’t give it a second thought. She came to get her stuff and left, how ever she came back about an hour later looking for her trash bag, the one that I threw away, and is now probably in a cube or burnt. My sister is about 6 feet so finding pants is hard and expensive, last time we went shopping we spent around $500 on jeans alone, my mom thinks I did it on purpose and I can’t pay my mom back. Anyone know what I should do? TLDR: I accidentally threw away over $500 worth of jeans without hope of getting them back, and now my mom has to buy new ones I probably should’ve clarified this but, my sisters bag wasn’t all jeans, it had shirts and jackets too, and since jeans her size that she likes are pretty hard to come by, we could by about 8-9 pairs and it would be around $400, she also wears very loose tops which are normally lighter than regular shirts, I was also doing this all on about 4-6 hours of sleep because I was working on my assignments the night before until around 1