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Connor was hunched over his desk

Connor was hunched over his desk, doing what he did best, ignoring everything. The numbers on his screen swirled around into hieroglyphs till he couldn't understand what was going on. What was he doing here, in this place. "Hey bucko. How're you today?" Another new face. "I'm doing good. How're you today?" Connor had a smile on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Just happy to be alive." "Aren't we all." The stranger gave Connor the finger guns and walked away. Connor looked at the email he was writing and realized it was all gibberish. He struggled to remember what he was supposed to be doing here. He got up, frustrated. He knocked over his yellow coffee cup with a smiley face on it. No one in the cubicles around him batted an eye. He looked around at the office building, cubicles sprawled as far as his eye could see. Everything was always the same, except the people. The people were all different. He was the only constant, in this unchanging maze that he couldn't escape. As he left to grab a new cup, he looked out the window, where a red car was coming towards their building. It was a pretty ordinary car and would've hardly been noticeable except they were on the 16th floor. Connor wanted to scream but he seemed to have lost his voice. He wanted to run towards the window even if it would likely achieve nothing. The car crashed through window, smashing through a couple of potted plants and destroying a desk. The woman on the desk crashed through the next cubicle's wall. Connor looked at the mess, his mouth hanging open. The woman got up, tidying up her clothes. "What a mess! People really need to be better about parking their cars. And that plant! Poor dear." Then she pulled her chair to an upright position and sat in front of her computer, which has been destroyed beyond repair and continued typing. Connor looked at all of this, sure he was losing her mind. The feeling got even stronger when the driver of the car got out. She wore a white wedding dress, and carried a bouquet of flowers. She made a beeline for Connor. "We have to go!" "I'm sorry? Who are you?" Connor backed away from her. "No time to explain. Come with me." Connor looked around at everyone in his office. None of them were reacting to any of it. "No one's gonna notice anything, Connor. They're not real. Come with me." "I..." The woman in white didn't wait for him to answer. She grabbed his hand and led him to the elevators. "Who are you?" The woman looked at the numbers and after much deliberation picked 33, the top floor. "Where are we going?" "You ask a lot of questions. Good for you." "I'm not going anywhere with you till you tell me who you are." "Ok. You can get off at this floor and go back to work then." She pressed the button and the elevator stopped at the 22nd floor. Connor hadn't expected this. "Come on then. I still need to go up." Connor sheepishly pressed the button to close the doors and the elevator continued upwards. "I will answer your question anyways. I don't know my name. I have a feeling it's either Caroline or Coraline. But I can't be sure." "How can you not know what your name is?" "Cause I'm not real. Just like any of your coworkers." Before he could continue, the elevator door opened and the woman rushed out. Connor meekly followed. She looked around. "Is there any way to access the roof?" "I don't really know. I've never been here." "Hmm Ok." She started walking towards the end of the corridor, looking for something. "What do you mean you're not real?" "Well none of this is real, Connor. We're all just creations of your dying mind." "My dying mind?" "You're getting weaker. Which is why your delusion is breaking down. The memories are going away. You probably don't remember anyone. Hence, I don't remember myself. I've just been calling myself C to hedge my bets." "I don't understand any of this." "You don't need to." She had found stairs leading up to the roof. She tried the door but it was locked. "Why are we going up there?" "We need a kick. A jolt." "What does that mean?" "Connor, can you open this door for me?" "I don't know how I could." "Close your eyes. Try and remember something from your childhood." "I'm sorry?" "What was your mother's name? What was your father's? Any memory would do." "I..." Connor hesitated. It was weird. He had nothing. She looked at her wedding dress. "Oh! Do you remember the day you got married? Anything about your wife?" "I don't rem..." An image came to him. It was an outdoor ceremony. Very small gathering. He remembered someone... she walked down the aisle. He couldn't see her face but he just remembered feeling lucky. She kept coming towards him as she... "Cool! It worked." Connor looked and saw that the door had opened a crack. C pulled at it with all her strength. "No wait! I need to remember her. I need to remember my wife. Are you her?" "No time. Come on." She led him to the roof. Connor looked around him at the crumbling buildings. "What's going on? This isn't how things look out of the window." "The window is a lie. It shows you a static memory. This is the reality." "This is something out of a post apoc movie." His mind flashed back to a few movies. He couldn't remember any names but he was sure he used to love those. Then as if my magic, the shattered windows on the opposite building repaired themselves. "Good. You're starting to remember. But it won't be enough. I should've found you sooner." "C, what's going on? Are you my wife?" "I suppose I am. But very likely this isn't what I look like. As I said, your brain is dying and memories are fading. For all I know, you gave me the face of your celebrity crush." "So what now?" "We need to give you a jolt. A little push to get everything work again. Turn it off and turn it back on again, if you will." He remembered something else. A nerdy looking guy with a british accent saying something to the effect. He had loved that show even if he couldn't remember its name. "What do you mean?" "It means you need to jump." "I'll die." "You aren't exactly alive right now, Connor." He looked at her horrified. "C, I can't. I can't do that." He retreated towards the door. "Connor, this is your only chance." "I can't! I can't jump off a building." A crowd of people appeared on the other side of the door. It was people he had just seen in his office. At least he thought they were. They all addressed him in unison. "Come back to us Connor. You'll be safe there." "Don't listen to them, Connor. It might be safe there, but it isn't real. This is a chance you have to take." "C, I can't..." The crowd all turned their heads to look at C. They all pointed towards her. "Temptress!" They moved towards her as she backed away from them, towards the edge of the roof. Connor rushed towards her. "Stop!" But it was too late. She stumbled and fell into the void below. The group turned towards Connor. Everyone had smiles on their faces. "We will all be alright Connor. We are all safe now." Connor saw their smiles and knew that he didn't want to be back in the office. Not anymore. He took a step as the voices all shouted at him to stop. But there was no stopping him anymore. He felt the wind through his hair as he fell towards the dark unknown. ********* City News Local Man wakes up after 5 years in a coma. By - Shirley McGrath Connor Smith, a 34 year old man, woke up today after 5 years of being in a coma. You might recall that he had been injured when a construction crane had collapsed and fell into an office building downtown, killing 5 people and injuring 11. Most of the injured had recovered except Connor who had suffered severe head injuries and had been in a coma since then. His wife Constance thanked everyone for their prayers and support she had received from friends, family and strangers alike.

Being a therapist to near-g

Being a therapist to near-gods can have its upsides. Sure, I wasn't heralded for my ability to lift a car off a crying child, but I lived my existence with a solid smugness, knowing the depths of the darkness that the heroes would trudge. And I got to hear them rant about the public that loved them so, so dearly. That was retribution in its own, wonderful right. A woman with the ability to control fire, Syna, sits in the chair across from me. Her skin shines like a marble in the sun, glinting and glittering. It was hard, at times, to look at her, even when she wasn't on fire. She was sighing heavily, as if she could expel her frustration through breath. "I'm just tired, George. So tired." "Anything in particular that's weighing on you?" "The press." I nodded. I had this conversation at least twice a day. "Have they been following you again?" "I was eating a croissant! At the cafe! I was having a good time, until that little rat with a camera appeared." She was talking about Jim, a young, eager man that worked for "Hero Pop!" the tabloid that kept the public up-to-date on the latest hero-related gossip. I handed her a tissue; I couldn't tell for sure, but it looked like her shimmering skin was wet beneath her eyes. Taking the tissues and blotting the tears, she continued, "I mean, it's bad enough I look like this. I can't hide like other heroes. No pair of sunglasses is going to cover up iridescent skin." I nodded sympathetically. "Have you thought about talking to Mika?" She was the go-to for heroes who needed suits. "Yes, but she says that there's no way to cover up my face." She sniffled. "I had a kid tell me I looked like an oil spill the other day. How do kids even know what that means?" "Children lack a filter. I'm sure they meant it as a compliment." "He stuck his tongue out at me and then farted in my direction." "Well, children can be cruel." "And so can adults!" She said, her tone exasperated, her hands shaking. "It seems like everyone has an opinion these days. Had someone stop me while I was buying an energy drink--little punk thought it'd be a great idea to catch me I was on the way out--and he told me that he was a fan of my work but he thought that I really ought to add some more flair to my fights." Her eyes were wide; I could see her skin beginning to warm, a glow taking over the opalescent tint. "The nerve. I put more than enough flair into my fights. I even learned how to do back flips, just so the footage would look good. And what do I get? Some kid in a Metallica t-shirt telling me I wasn't good enough. Honestly, what I outta do is--" I put my hand up; smoke was wafting off of her, "Syna, take a deep breath. You're working yourself up and I don't want to have to buy a new chair." She nodded and the smoke drifted away, leaving the office smelling vaguely of burnt rubber. The rest of the session was about her sister and her new boyfriend. Heroes are people, too, I'd learned. ​ My next patient is an odd one, he's a villain, but I don't discriminate in my practice. His power is a sort of necro-telekinesis. He can raise the dead. And he always brings a friend or two to the sessions. Today he brought three, and thankfully, they weren't bleeding like the last ones. I had used an entire bottle of bleach after our session and I didn't want to have to do so again. "Good afternoon, Harrison." "Afternoon, Doctor." "Is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about today?" One of the corpses let out a low groan. I raised an eyebrow. He smiled, "Yes. I've been having a lot of trouble lately, just going out. Apparently it's not in good form to bring your undead horde to go grocery shopping." "I thought you knew that?" "Well, yes, but ever since they passed the new laws stopping heroes from carrying out their fights except in active zones of destruction, I thought I'd be able to go about my day unmolested." Another groan. "And that wasn't the case?" "No, there was pandemonium from the moment I stepped into the Raley's. I just needed some more butter--I wasn't going to be long, but by the time I'd made it to the register, there was no one there." "How many did you have in your horde?" "Oh," he said, looking at his nails, "about ten." "And why do you think the situation ended as it did?" "Well, because someone called Yami." I nodded. I counseled the young goddess on Thursdays. "And she came to confront you?" "At first, yes. But then I explained to her that I was just trying to shop, trying to get some butter for my parsnip side dish and she asked if she could join me for dinner." He blushed in a manner I hadn't witnessed before. "We had a lovely time." "How do you feel about fraternizing with a hero?" He shrugged but all three of his undead creations, now sitting on the floor or leaning against my bookshelves, let out a strange moan. He sighed, "Fine. It's a little weird. But she's amazing. Really sweet. Wonderful. Such beautiful hair." "Do you think her motives are pure?" The corpses let out a hissing noise, as if deflating. One of them fell to the ground with a thud. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. He looked out the window into the bustling city below, "Are anyone's motives pure?" "Most people's, in my experience, are not. They're selfish." "I guess I should know." "Any plans?" "I was thinking about kidnapping the mayor's daughter." "Did you run that past Yami?" He laughed, a sharp, short sound like a cat yelping when struck. "No. No, all relationships have some secrets." "But your plans are a big part of who you are. They're your art, so to speak." "Yes," he said, his eyes cast downwards now, taking in the swirls on the rug. "I suppose you're right. Do you think it's a bad idea to see her?" "I only worry about you and how it might hurt you. The tabloids will flock to you in a way they hadn't before, if you pursue this." "People might start to like me, too." "Is that something you want?" He scowled, "Goodness, no." The corpse that had fallen stirred and righted itself, walking behind Harrison and putting its hands on the chair, leaving little bits of flesh on the fabric. I was going to have to clean that up later, wasn't I? "It might be best, then, to keep the relationship a secret for as long as possible." "Yes, I think you're right." "Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?" "I've been having weird dreams lately, do you talk about that sort of stuff?" Turns out the dreams mainly involved him forgetting to put mayonnaise on his sandwiches, biting into them only to find disappointment. I told him it might be metaphorical. He was satisfied when he left. I cleaned up the bits of flesh from my floor as my next patient came in. She was a hero with very powerful telekinesis; they called her the Puppet Master. Even I feared her.

Sos: My life has always

My life has always been mundane. I followed the standard path set by society. I went to high school and met a few people I could talk to put graduated without friends. I went to college for a degree I really didn't care about, and now I work an average job that I don't care about. I was pushed along and wound up in the current of living a meaningless life that I am apathetic about. ​ That changed when I woke up and found myself in what appeared to be some sort of containment area, surrounded by extraterrestrial beings. They seemed related to mollusks, although they had a humanoid form. Their body appeared to be a spire of small tentacles that would be used to get around by using the tentacles like hundreds of tiny worms. They also had 4 larger tentacles that appeared to function as limbs, reaching out and grabbing things. Their "Neck" was the fusing point of those hundreds of tentacles, and on top was an egg-shaped head that pulsated different colors. Although I couldn't tell if they had eyes, they seemed to notice me wake up. ​ After a couple of minutes of what looked like a discussion between them, I saw the one closest to the window reach over and press a button on what may have been a control panel out of sight. This time as their foreheads flashed different colors I heard a voice come from inside my head that said "Greetings. We are a group of scientists sent out to discover and categorizes other species in the universe. Identify the name of your species." ​ "We call ourselves humans," I say, looking at the creatures. Despite my inherent uneasiness at the situation, I find it surprisingly easy to answer. They seem to hold no hostile intent, which makes it slightly less stressful than my last work interview. "Human," the one at the window says "you will be kept here for a temporary period for us to study you. You will be provided sustenance and a hospitable environment. We ask that you cooperate in our studies on you." before slithering away. ​ Although I lost the exact count of the earth's time frame, I would guess that I spent around six months with them. During that time the being performed experiments on me, both routine and entirely unique. Sometimes they would just observe me in the environment they provided. Although some experiments were odd, none of them ever posed a serious physical threat to me, and I interpreted this as a sign of them having no hostile intent. ​ At some point, the lead alien scientist came to the window to ask me something. They broadcasted their voice into a translator they implanted in my head ask said "We have been observing your planet and have found that humans have little to no natural threat in their lives, so why do you display the traits of a prey species? You are submissive and follow every order we provide you. What is your explanation for such behavior?" ​ I look at the creature and think for a bit before responding, and I say "Because it's easier to be told what to do. Many people are afraid to fail, and find the idea that they aren't responsible for their own failure appealing. Failure is a threat that looms over most of our lives and can seem like something that damages someones' sense of self. Although it is not a physical threat, failure is something that can hurt you and others around you, so many are willing to follow orders to push that responsibility onto others." ​ The creature stands at the window for a while, before opening a door on their side for this first time that I have been here. As they walk over, it says to me "You have just described a very unique circumstance. If you do not mind, I would like to form a telepathic connection with you to experience this perception of failure and allow you to feel ours." Before I know what I am doing I say "Sure, go ahead," as the creature touched the time of their tentacle to my forehead. ​ And then suddenly I was overwhelmed with a sense of...acceptance and togetherness. I was alive and connected to others. I could feel that, although failure could exist, it was not a blight on someone or something to fear. It was something to grow and learn from, something to use to help yourself and others. I looked at the creature and knew that I was one with them and that they were one with me. And it wasn't just him, it was every creature on this ship. I was able to accept myself through them, and they were able to accept me. And as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. ​ "wh-what was that?" I quietly asked the creature, tears welling in my eyes. The creature appears to look at me with what feels like pity and say "We are what you may call a hive mind, although we are all still individuals. We are all connected to each other, and celebrate each other's victories and help each other learn from failure. I was able to let you experience that connection through a telepathic link, but it is hard for us to sustain a different creature in that connection." ​ Suddenly, a bunch of men dressed in earth military uniforms burst through the door to the lab. They had weapons and pointed them at the creatures. And then, I made the first decision I truly wanted to in my life. I ran, and stood in front of the guns pointed at the creatures, and shouted "Wait! Don't shoot!" One of the men in the back saw me ran in between them and the aliens and shouted "They must have placed him in some kind of mind control! Men, open fire!" and that was the last thing that I saw. \---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man sits in a courtroom, facing a panel of older men in much more decorated uniforms. One of the older men says "Mr. Johnson, you have been brought to this court-martial for the charges of the deaths of one civilian and 3 extraterrestrial beings that we now understand were here on a peaceful mission of science. How do you plead?" The younger man gulps and turns to his lawyer. The lawyer looks up at the older man and says "Your Honor, my client was just following the order of his superior. You have to understand that here bears no responsibility to the failures of that day."

Mr Clobber was a normal

"What do you want out of life, Mr Clobber?" I stared at the man, the intense muscle-bound figure nervously scratching at his mutated arm, the appendage resembling a steroid filled log more than an arm. Another victim of a freak accident, a normal man before the mutation. I had to pity the guy, his intense persona a mere way to distract people from his insecurities. "I don't know, to crush people with my hand. This is dumb, I don't know why I came here, I should have figured it would be dumb." Clobber said, pushing himself off my couch, only to stop as I frantically stood up, placing my hand on his mutated arm. "Please Mitchell, let me help you. I'm just asking for a little more of your time. I promise if you still think this is dumb you can leave, just a few more minutes?" Pleading with him to give me a chance. "I believe you don't want to be a villain; you don't mindlessly destroy things like others. Hell, when you were throwing cars last week you purposely avoiding aiming at civilians, even when it would have aided in your escape. You aren't evil, you are troubled." "You touched it?" Mitchell stared at his arm, a brief flash of disgust on his face as he pulled it to his side, keeping it out of my grasp. "I just didn't want to get a longer jail sentence. Killing civilians gets you looked up for years. I did it for myself." "I don't believe that. I think you do this because you don't think there's an alternative. There's always an alternative. You have done no heinous crimes, you can rehabilitate. I just need to know how I can help you. What do you like?" "Baseball. I guess I enjoy baseball. I used to play it when I was younger before-" He eyed his arm, letting out a sigh, again going to stand. "Baseball. I was never good at the sport myself, but please tell me more. Lets not even talk about therapy or helping you, lets just discuss the game for a moment." I didn't reach for his hand, allowing him the chance to leave if he wished, hoping to reel him back. "Only baseball. You promise?" He moved into his seat, a small smile cracking onto his lips. "It's been so long since Ive talked to someone about it." I kept my word, allowing him to talk about the topic close to his heart. I struggled a little to follow along, not the most athletic type myself. Occasionally I would scribble a note down as he spoke, using them to help me understand the man further. "I used to be a great pitcher before the accident, I actually went to try out but they said they couldn't allow a freak to play. It would ruin the integrity of their game." He hissed, a bitter heat rising as he crushed his hand into a fist. The mutated arm pulsing with rage, urging me to stand up, trying to comfort the man. "Easy. I understand your frustration, but you need to keep it under control. Sadly, I'm not as durable as those cars you tossed." I joked, returning to my seat as he took a few deep breaths. "I see, so that wouldn't have helped your anxiety with your arm. How about you create a superpowered league?" "A superpowered league? What a superpowered themed baseball tournament?" His eyes sparked up at the thought, only to dim at the reality of it. "How would I convince anyone to join it? Who would even want to compete, all the heroes and villains are too busy fighting each other?" "What about some retired heroes and villains? Many of them suffer depression after being out of the spotlight, so allowing them a chance to flex their powers in a safe competitive environment would be healthy for everyone involved. I could arrange Shadow Snatcher to help with the advertisements. Oh, I shouldn't call her by her villain name. Titania Walters would be willing to help with the advertising. She's got a talent for promoting events, maybe it's because of her power of suggestion? Regardless, she owes me a favor, so I would be happy to lend her support to you." "You would do that for me? You really would help a freak like me achieve his dream of playing baseball. I'm a villain, not some good guy that deserves this sort of help. Are you sure about this?" I turned my head, pretending to be distracted by a bird sitting near my window, knowing he wouldn't want me to see him cry. "Everyone deserves help. I don't see a villain when I look at you, I see the captain of the first superpowered baseball team." I smiled, standing up from my chair, heading over to open the window, only to feel my stomach drop as they lifted me from the floor, grabbed in a tight bearhug. " "Thank you so much. I promise I'll use my winnings to help fund your rehabilitation program. I can't wait, a chance to live out my dream." I felt myself get a little lightheaded as he waved me back and forth, keeping his tight grip on me. The door snapped off its hinges as a small four-foot man entered. His body covered in an assortment of crude tattoos with a scruffy beard. Despite that, he still dressed in a formal suit. "Unhand the boss now fiend." He shouted, pointing a finger towards Mitchell. "E-easy Dallin, its just a hug, must have sent off my vitals. It's ok. I'm safe." Mitchell sheepishly dropped me, allowing me to hunch over and get my breath back. "Gah, you gave me a heart attack kid. I ain't letting you die, not after you helped me. No one else will hire a villain bodyguard, after all. I don't want to have to go back to guarding those pricks again." Dallin gave me a wave before heading back to his office. "Isn't he a little short to be a bodyguard?" Mitchell asked, carefully patting my back as I recovered. "Heh, don't let him hear you say that. Dallin can lift fifty times his weight. He's a kindhearted guy under that tough exterior, trust me. Dallin only ended up in villainy because of his looks. No one else would hire him, so he had to guard villains. What other choice did he have, he had kids to feed. When he came to my office, he pointed out my lack of security and how he could have snapped my neck at any moment. I agreed and hired him to protect me." "You hired the guy that threatened to kill you?" Mitchell asked, giving me a rather confused look. "Half the people in this office have threatened to kill me or kidnapped me at some point. I don't hold it against them, I sometimes provoke people." "I don't think I get you. But thanks for your help." He offered me his hand as we exchanged a handshake. I motioned him through the doorway, letting him leave, wishing him the best in his league.       (If you enjoyed this feel free to check out my subreddit /r/Sadnesslaughs where I'll be posting more of my writing.)

"Evening friends, I brought

"Evening friends, I brought the mead." Jack held the bag of mead to the heavens. The dragon and princess letting out a small cheer as he approached, placing the booze down before throwing himself onto the grass beside them. "Sorry I took so long, I had to give a rousing speech to the villagers about how I would slay the mighty fiend, you know the usual." "You still give those lame speeches? No wonder all the noble ladies laugh at you in the castle." Alice reached for one of the bottles, popping the cork off, happily chugging down the mixture. "Lame? Those speeches inspire hope. What would you know about speeches, Alice? You just get someone else to make yours. I bet you couldn't even make a speech half as good as mine." Jack said, grumbling to himself as he grabbed a bottle of mead, giving Alice a small glare as he drank from it. "Fear not noble townsfolk. It is I, Sir Jack, who will slay the mighty beast and return your lovely princess. I shall not let a single golden hair of hers get burnt by the mighty flames." Alice recited, mocking one of Jack's speeches, causing the knight's face to flush with anger. "They are a little lame, Jack, sorry." Maxil snickered, the enormous dragon expelling a few flames from its nostrils, trying not to laugh at Alice's impression. "Oh, come on, you try making up a speech on the spot. It's really hard. Do you know how much pressure it is to have people looking at you?" Jack complained, though only Maxil showed the slightest hint of sympathy. "Today, we have received reports that Princess Alice has been kidnapped by an invading dragon. The dragon came into our kingdom before the rising of the sun and captured her, flying her to a cave northwest of the kingdom. We have sent a knight to retrieve her, there's no reason to panic." Alice said, creating a speech on the spot, grinning at her two friends. "That's not bad Alice, it sounds so regal and professional." Maxil said, admiring the princesses calm message. "It was decent. It wasn't as interesting as mine, though. You need to add some excitement to it. You think people will write tales and songs about a lame speech like that? Mine will inspire classical stories of great bravery and heroism." "And stupidity." Alice added, shaking her head. "It's a princess being captured, how much added excitement does it need?" "I don't mean to bother you both, but can someone toss me up a beverage?" Maxil asked, struggling to grip the bottle with her tail., trying to retrieve one without knocking over her friends. Jack grabbed a bottle of mead, tossing it into the air. The open space allowing her more room to move as her tail swiped the spot, latching onto the mead, bringing it towards her mouth. With a sharp tooth, she pulled the cork free, pouring the booze down her throat. "Insults aside, how have you both been? Ive been waiting for this for a few weeks now. What took you both so long?" Jack said, expecting these little get-togethers to be more frequent than a monthly basis. "Do you know how hard it is to prepare a kidnapping? I have to make sure there're no guards around and that Maxil is available. Unlike you, we don't get to sit on our asses and wait for someone to tell us the princess has been kidnapped." Alice scoffed, rolling her eyes at her knight. "It is a lot of work. But I think its worth it. Even if its only every month, I enjoy seeing you both. It brings back memories of that first time we met. When you were both bratty children fighting over a stick. To think twenty years have passed since then." Maxil reminisced about the event only for Jack to speak up. "Right, when the snot-nosed princess nearly got us killed. You have a house full of gold and wouldn't let me have a stick I found. You were willing to push us both of a cliff over it. Not only that, I got in so much trouble for sneaking you out of the castle, my father nearly lost his head over it." "I said I was sorry. It was only through my words of forgiveness that you even got to become a knight. You should be grateful for that, at least." Alice tried to hide how much she hated being reminded of that incident. He was right. Her snobby attitude nearly killed them both, but at the very least she learnt from it. To some small degree. "Lucky a giant dragon took pity on you both and swept you up from the edge, only asking one small thing in return. That you come and visit. I never expected you both to return. Its been fun watching you both grow into such influential people. I feel like a proud parent." Maxil fawned over the pair, tossing the empty bottle of mead aside, using her tail to pull them both into an embrace. "I love my little friends." "Gah, love you too, but stop squishing us. I can't breathe in this armor." The two fidgeted until Maxil released them, Jack gasping for air, holding his now dented chest plate. "Now you actually look like a knight, try not to make up some lame story about how you got that dent." Alice said, giving him a smirk. "You know he's already thinking of one. Let him have his glory. I believe he's earnt it. He does protect you." Maxil said, the two watching the knight as he recovered from the hug. "Fine, he can have one." Alice shrugged. "We should get going Maxil, sorry this visit was so short, we only have a few hours before they send reinforcements. Father isn't a patient man. You ready to ride, oh valiant knight?" Jack picked himself off the floor, tapping his dented chest plate. "Yeah, Im good. To think I pulled myself out of a dragons death grip using only my bare hands." He said proudly, causing Alice to groan, while Maxil let out a hearty laugh. "Be safe, you two. Please come and visit soon, I'll supply the booze next time." Maxil said, waving her claw at the pair as they climbed onto their horse. The princess and the knight offered a wave back, giving their friend a smile before heading towards the kingdom.       (If you enjoyed this feel free to check out my subreddit /r/Sadnesslaughs where I'll be posting more of my writing.)

The dragon's attention was on the

Sword pressed to his helm, the knight held his back steady against the giant bolder. His deep breaths were cut short by the explosion of flames just on the other side of the rock he hid behind. *Predictable,* he thought, as a bead of sweat began to form on his brow from the heat surrounding him. He took off running to his left, iron suit clanking with each step, sword dragging on the ground behind him as ran. The dragon's attention was on the rock; he would flank the beast and achieve victory all to easily. Or so he thought. The dragon screeched as a flame spewed from its mouth directly towards the knight. Eyes wide and in mid-sprint, the knight slid beneath the flames, his suit hitting the ground with a loud thud. The fire stopped and the knight scrambled to his feet to make his way towards the scorched ruins of a castle. The ruins were farther than he anticipated, but was able to reach the remains of what once was a column to hide behind. His breath heavy and his back against the stone once again, he waited for the beast to attack. Reaching for his sword, he realized he had dropped it in his attempt to dodge the fire. Weaponless, he leaned over to peer around the column, raised his visor to have clear vision, only to see the empty landscape. The earth shook as the dragon landed squarely in front of the knight, he turned in shock, the dragon planted arms and legs on the ground, wings splayed, and bellowed a deep roar. The knight screamed. The dragon fell over on its side, laughing. "Dang it, Carl! It is NOT funny." The dragon could barely get a word out through his laughter. "...your face," a tear weld up in his eye (and promptly evaporated), "...but your face, it was just," the dragon held in a laugh for a moment to mimic the knight, opening his eyes wide and mouth agape, arms in the air; then burst with laughter once more. The knight rolled his eyes and began to remove his helmet. His hands were still shaking from nerves, but was finally able to unclasp the helm and remove it. By that time the dragon had sat himself upright, about twice as tall as the knight, his laughter somewhat subsiding. "You cheated, by the way," the knight said. "What, the fire thing?" the dragon said with a scaly smirk on his face. "Yes, the fire thing. You know you can't shoot fire at me when I'm not hiding behind something. You could have killed me." "Geoff, if I wanted to have killed you, you'd have been dead a long time ago, my friend. Plus, you have that fancy suit that so beautifully frames that scared little face of yours," Carl let out a few more laughs, smoke escaping his nostrils. "This suit doesn't do anything but boil my skin whenever I'm near your fire. It's a safety hazard, really. I only wear it because all the townsfolk expect a knight to ride into battle with it. But it is extremely uncomfortable." Geoff began to unbutton pieces of his armour. "Heavy, too, I am guessing?" Carl asked as Geoff nodded. "I figured so when you flopped on the ground below my breath." The dragon laughed once again. "Excuse me, I *slid*. I slid valiantly!" Both Geoff and Carl laughed at that. A piece of ash caught in the back of Carl's throat, turning his laugh into a brief cough, emitting tiny flames with each hack. An alien voice pierced the landscape: "QUICKLY BROTHER, HIDE! I HAVE COME TO SLAY THIS DRAGON ONCE AND FOR ALL, IN THE NAME OF VALDOLLA!" Geoff and Carl looked around to find the source of the voice, finding a man approaching from the distance on the other side of the column where they both stood. The man was dressed in all grey and was adorned with a cape and a sword. Carl looked at Geoff, "what the heck is a Valdolla?" "Val's name is Valdolla. Just..." Geoffey motioned a wave to Carl to back away and put on his helmet. "UH, NO THANKS!" he called back, "I HAVE THIS HANDLED, THE BEAST IS DYING! I'VE ALREADY KILLED HIM!" Geoff turned back to Carl, "you're dying. Go die." "Well, that's unrealsti-" "Just do it!" The dragon rolled his eyes and flopped on his side with a sarcastic moan. "SEE? HE IS DEAD! YOU CAN GO HOME NOW! GO TELL EVERYONE HOW BRAVE I AM. KILLED THE DRAGON AGAIN." The man in grey made his way closer to Geoff and Carl, now in a sprint. Upon reaching the two, the man lowered his sword. "You have killed him? Is it true?" The man walked up to the dragon, prodding him with his foot. "Um, yep, super dead." Carl gave Geoff a stern look behind the man's back in response. "Forgive me brother, but you seem to come slay a dragon very frequently," he said kicking the dragon as he walked around him. "I am wondering if maybe not there are more dragons, but that this one just feigns death to live another day. We must be sure." "What?" Geoff asked before he realized what had happened--the man had plunged his sword in to dragon neck. Carl flopped out of his death position and stood upright. "*What the-"* Carl shouted along with a long roar in a surprised rage, the sword protruding from his neck. "THE BEAST IS STILL ALI-" the man began to exclaim, before the jaws of the dragon engulfed his body and, with one swift *crunch*, all that was left of the man were his two legs that stood there--bloody stumps. Geoff and Carl stared at each other. Carl promptly swallowing whole the man that was in his mouth. "Val is going to kill us," Geoff said, breaking the silence after their long pause. "You better clean this up." "*Me?"* "Yes, you. You can't just eat every person who comes up here. We've talked about this." Some moments passed as Carl finished disposing of the man in grey, and Geoff began to pull the sword from his friend's neck when Val arrived. "Hey, guys, sorry I am late. What happened here?" She said as she finished climbing over several large rocks, eyeing the sword protruding from Carl's neck as she approach the two sitting in the ruins. Geoff and Carl gave each other a look, and then Geoff responded first, "oh, we were just sparring and I got the better of Carl here. Just got carried away." Carl gave Geoff a look that said, *really?* Geoff shrugged in response. "Well that seems unlikely, " she replied. Carl gave Geoff a big smile, who rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I met this bard at the tavern earlier. He seemed cool enough, so I invited him up here. I hope you guys don't mind. I figured we can put on a show and give him a good scare." She noticed Geoff and Carl exchanging looks. "What?"

All it cost was your first-

The figure disappeared in a grandiose display of smoke, no doubt to stroke the ego of the father of pride. The headlights of an old, beat-up VW bug shone brightly through the cloud. You finally allowed yourself to smile, your plan had worked. By tomorrow morning, all of your problems would be gone - and a new life could begin. All it cost was your first-born's soul. Which, since you made the decision years ago to self-sterilize, was something you could never provide. Apparently, the old arch angel was savvy on high-risk investments, and signed off on sub-prime soul mortgages. You slide into the seat of your bug, parked on the berm of the crossroads, and crank the lazy engine over. The sluggish starter gives its best, but despite almost catching a spark, it falls flat on its face. "Damn it!" You say, smacking the dash. Your phone showed no service, as you might expect at the intersection of the damned. Maybe you should have added an immediate vehicle upgrade to your request. You knew your luck would begin to turn around at midnight, so you could wait it out and maybe it would magically start - but then you'd have to sit here alone in the desert for hours. Walking alone in the dark didn't seem appealing either. "Guess we're stuck here for the moment." You say to no one in particular. You turn the headlights off and release the seat back a little ways, enough to relax but still see the surroundings. You doze for some time, awoken by the alarm you set on your phone for midnight. You startle when you see a new figure standing at the crossroads, a dark blotch against the soft dim glow of the starlight. You flick on your headlights and a young woman recoils from the sudden beam of light. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to startle you!" you say, exiting the bug. "Wow, that was fast." she says. "Huh?" your brow furrows. "I'm Amelie, I'm guessing you know who I was here to see." "Yeah, same." In the glow of the headlights, her eyes appeared red, as if she had been crying. "Can I sit with you in the car? I walked here from a few miles away, and frankly I'm finding myself a little afraid of a dark desert now that... well now that this is over." She says, gesturing around in a circle. "Oh, uh yeah, of course." You stumble over your words. Is she into you? It was quite random, and very sudden, but your luck was supposed to turn around and a partner was just one thing you had hoped for. She crosses the intersection and plops into the passenger seat of the bug. "What were you here for?" She asks, breaking a short but uncomfortable silence. "Me? Oh uuhhh..." "Sorry I'm not trying to pry, and you don't have to say what you gave up." "Everything has just been going wrong. I didn't ask to be a king or anything like that." you say. She nods, a softness in her eyes. "No work, no money, I've been spiraling. I guess I asked for a little more than a boost, but really just for my luck to turn around, you know?" you say, not the whole truth but not a blatant lie either. "Yeah, I see" she says, her voice soft. "Do you have anyone?" "Me? No, at least not like that. I have friends, of course. My parents are still alive, but on the other side of the country." You both go quiet, she looks around outside - what little can be seen from the ambient light of the stars. "I asked to meet someone, and have kids with them." She says, finally. "Really?" You ask. "What?" She turns to you, her eyes filled with sudden anger. "No please, I didn't mean it like that. I just, you're beautiful, I find it hard to believe you need... help... in that regard." She stares at you a moment longer, and then breaks out in laughter. After a few moments, you join her. "Ahh, yes. Sorry, no I get what you mean. I... I meant more that I asked for the person perfect for me. I really want to have kids, but I want to make sure it all happens.. just right, you know? There are some genetic complications in my family I was hoping to bring to an end." "I see." You say, staring at the horn button on your steering wheel. "Thanks." She says. You look at her. "For calling me beautiful." "Oh, of course, you are. Thanks for, you know, not calling me a creep for saying it." You both laugh again, and she takes your hand in hers. You give in entirely to what comes next, knowing you could not provide her the child she wanted. But it felt so right, and she didn't have to know - yet. ===== The figure cloaked in the veil of night watches the VW Bug from a distance as its windows fog. *I always collect my dues* A whisper of a voice floats on the wind. ===== "Positive!?" You ask, a little louder than you meant. "Yes?" She asked, her hand holding the pregnancy test dropped to her lap. Her usually soft face was creased with worry now, your response not what she expected. "I'm so sorry, I'm just surprised." You take her hands in yours. It had been four months since the night at the crossroads, and you almost immediately moved in together. You hadn't understood what people meant by soul mate before. A new job, a new life - it had all come to fruition. The VW Bug had even been replaced by a Jaguar, a car you had lusted after as a teen. Although the worry about your impotence had nagged in the back of your head, today shook everything up. When should you tell her, what you gave up. "This is great! Lets... lets get married!" You say, masking your fear. Her eyes were wet with tears now, but the softness in her face returned. You embraced one another and the feeling of her body against yours brought some comfort, but your mind raced. ===== "Come on, love. You can do this" You say, her hand crushing your own. Staff buzzed around the bed in a frenzy, you couldn't even keep track of everything being done. Labor had gone on far longer than expected, and induction steps had to be taken due to the baby's dropping heartrate. "I can do this." She echoed. "Ok, contraction is starting. I need you to push, push!" The doctor said. Her face turned purple as she pushed, twisted from the usually beautiful complexion into something else - still her but something else. "One more time, push with everything you have" The doctor orders firmly. She pushes again, this time letting out a quiet yell. A new voice joins her own, the baby's first breaths expended on the squeal of new life. Everything stopped, save for you and your wife. A laugh came from behind you, disjointed and broken. "*I always collect my dues.*" It says, a whisper that seemed to resonate with everything in the room. You turn slowly to face your detractor. Your wife grabs your wrist. "I'm so sorry, my love" She says. "What?" You whip around to face her again. "I offered myself in return for... for all of this." "WHAT?" You repeated, this time a shrill bark. "You don't understand! They will live! You will have our child, a part of me, and our time together was the most amazing time of my life." She said between sobs, her voice cracking. The pit of your stomach plummeted into the void. "*That's right, she is to come with me. But first, since I do business in the order it comes, I will be collecting from you my good sir.*" The murky shadow that filled the room now spoke it's sugared words. "No!" You yell. Her hand on your wrist tightens. "What did you give up?" She says, looking to you. "No! I can't! You can't!" You scream, the weight of what was happening was unbearable - your vision beginning to blur from the tears in your eyes. The tendrils of smoke and shadow surround the baby, and then disappears with it in a puff. "What? NO!" your wife screams now. "NO! NOOOO! YOU FUCKING-" her voice is muted by the cloud that engulfs her. You feel her grip on your wrist disappear. You collapse to the floor. The demon's laughter fills the room, fills your mind. "I don't understand." You say. "*You wished for a better life, and she wished for a perfect genetic match and to bring life into the world - it was a simple matter to* **fix** *you.*" "How did you know?" "*How could I not know? I know everything.*" You held your head in your hands. "*Good doing business with you, do come again*" the silky voice spoke as the darkness retreated from the delivery room. Time moved once more, and the doctor's and nurse's shouts of disbelief were just background noise to the numbness you now felt.

Aaron and Aelia, Ulago

Of all of them I disliked the priest the most, though I can admit that was more due to my own prejudices. In my years on the road I had little use for the gods, particularly then and particularly with that party. If I had I might have thought they had cursed me after all. Their names were Aaron and Aelia, Ulago and Xanthippus, and they came to me in pairs that had more to do with accidents at the guild hall than any kind of personal friendships. Still though, we made a strange group, and more than once I joked that the guild had decided I had taken too many bounties, that they'd turned me into some sort of welfare program. And for a while that rang true, until we realized that their talents were better suited to crime than warfare. It started late one night with Aaron and Ulago, our thief and warrior. Quite honestly Aaron was a bumbling fool in every aspect of the physical realm, although to hear him tell it he had been a great acrobat in his youth. Nearing seventy now he'd have broken a bone if he tried to turn a cartwheel and the deft motions of cutting a purse were beyond him, but if there was a heist or a scheme he'd seen it or invented it, and he could scout talent with the best of them. Ulago, for his part, was less a warrior than a dancer. He fought with a matched pair of short swords, and at the school where he'd been trained they spoke of perfect defense, of learning your opponent through every twitch of his muscles and every flick of his eyes, all in the pursuit of one beautiful stroke of the blade. They sat hunched by the fire that night, deep into their cups and speaking in hushed voices, making such frequent glances across the flames at Aelia that finally she sprang to her feet. Dark magic had begun to gather at her fingertips, and a furious blush had risen to her face. She only had three spells she could cast every 24 hours and she had decided their disrespect was worth one. "No, no, no!" Ulago had said, leaping up as well. "It's not like that I swear!" "Then why do you keep looking?" she said angrily, "shall I teleport you back to town? I recall an inn there where the barmaids had standards that might even fall to you." I couldn't help myself, the brief snort of a laugh escaped me. "You too Devin?" she called. "If you both scrape your gold together you might even have enough." I merely shook my head, that was an idle threat. This far from town there was no way she could reach it. Ulago, however bravely decided to continue on. "I swear we meant no disrespect. Rather, Aaron and I had an idea. None of us are making any money out here," he gestured broadly with his arms, walking closer to the fire so the light would hit him just right. "Pickings are slim in this region and none are falling to us. There's not a more mismatched bunch of souls this side of the Kingdom, and if the other one can match us it's only because those poor sods of Easterners were born with the brains of a cow and the courage of a fowl. To compete against men such as that would be unfair." He eyed Aelia for a second, seeming to notice the magic that still clung to her fingers. "And women," he added. "What our long winded comrade is trying to say," Aaron interjected, "is that we're shit at this and it's time to look elsewhere. I propose burglary." All eyes whipped themselves to the old man now, and his long, thin smile was full with the knowledge of it. "I know the marks and I know the fences, and Ulago here can buy us as much time as we'd ever need if they have guards. As to why we were looking at you though, well my dear, much of this will hinge on you." "On me?" Aelia's magic had faded now and she had taken several halting steps around the fire. Her eyes were wide and I began to realize for the first time just how young she was. "Oh yes," Aaron said, "on you. As a mage you're nothing special really, but I've seen you run, you're quick as all hell. I'll teach you all you need to know about picking locks and finding treasures, it's up to you to be my hands. You get into a house, find the two most valuable items and teleport them out to us, then just run out." "Two?" she questioned, "but I have three casts and I can't teleport myself." "Two. I have a spell in mind for you to learn, an old friend of mine in Harrowvale knows it and we're only a few days ride away. My dear, have you ever heard of Shadow Step?" So it transpired that our party left that roadside firepit and found ourselves in Harrowvale some days later. We scraped together the scraps of our gold, enrolled Aelia in an old mage's tutelage, and a week later she came out with a new trick that would have been utterly useless to her in her previous career as a battlemage but which would soon prove to be our bread and butter. Our first theft came the very next day. We gathered at dusk in the city's narrow alleys only a few minutes from some lordling's manor and Aaron briefed us on what would come. "Aelia," he began, "the plan rests on you. You will pick the lock on the cellar door and enter the house through there, use my number two pick, the locks bought by lower nobility tend to be all advertising and little actual substance. Once inside you will proceed to the lord's bedroom, find his largest chest and his most expensive looking item and teleport them both to this spot. Ulago, you will approach the guards at the front gate as if you are drunk and then challenge their captain to a duel. Devin you go with him and the pair of you will insult the man until he accepts, cause the biggest distraction you can and then do what you will. I'll wait here and receive the goods." "And I?" Xanthippus the priest asked. Aaron squinted at him as if he'd forgotten the man was there. "Pray or something, you're as useless as tits on a bull." With a soft laugh and a newly learned word of power Aelia gathered the shadows of the alley around herself and walked towards the building as silently as the night. To say that our first theft went perfectly would be a lie, although I said that and more many times over. Aelia, with only a few days practice with the lockpicks had been forced to finally give up and simply melted the lock with a spell instead. That left her with only one teleport and the chest we got in the end turned out to be the lordling's mistress's smallclothes, although the price they fetched was surprisingly high. Ulago was a wonder and likely the only flawless part of the plan. He fought the guard captain to exhaustion and then simply walked off laughing, I sketched a quick bow and followed him, my notebook in hand. Whatever god Xanthippus prayed to at least refrained from cursing us further. We improved with every heist however, and soon we found crime was in fact more profitable than adventuring, whatever the guild said about the matter be damned. And my part in this? After all I had no sleight of hand, no skill with a blade. In fact my own riches prior to their joining me were entirely fabricated, which they had been sorely angered to find out. We had the wisest thief, the fastest wizard, the smartest warrior, and the most useless priest, but we also had me, a plain and simple bard. But a damned good one. They fought and stole and prayed, and all the while I sang. Sang us all into myth and legend the length and breadth of the Kingdom, even in the blighted East. Even when our heists turned out to be a lady's smallclothes and the stagelights burned a little too bright I turned them all into a roving band of misbegotten folk heroes, and slowly party members became friends, and friends became family. A family that was a damned sight richer on the wrong side of the law than the right one, even if we had to drag along the useless mouth of the priest. \---------- If you enjoyed that I've got a ton more over at r/TurningtoWords. Come check it out, I'd love to have you! edit: thanks for the gold!

Kevin knew all his life, from

Kevin had known he was different from the moment he first learned to speak. "Cold," was his first word. "I'm cold," was his first sentence. "I'm very cold and one day I'm going to do something about it," was his first heroic declaration. No matter how tightly Kevin bundled up, he couldn't escape the chill--for it came not from the air around him, but from the Evil inherent within humanity itself. So when the great Soothesayer Tawney knocked at his door on his eighteenth birthday, and told him about The Prophecy, he wasn't surprised. He knew all his life, from the bottom of his heart, that he was The Chosen One--the one destined to bring about an end to all Evil itself. "We've taken the liberty of assembling a team for you, Kevin" Tawney said. "You don't have a minute to spare. If The Prophecy is to be fulfilled, you must set forth at once. They should be here any moment." Kevin nodded. A moment later a knock came at the door, and Tawney answered it. "Hello my fellows," a scrawny armor clad man stood in the doorway. "Sir Leidesburg, at your service." Tawney seemed confused. "Who are you?" "I see my reputation has *not* preceded me," he said pushing his spectacles up on his nose. "No matter. Perhaps you are familiar with Leidesburg's Theory of Hand-To-Hand Combat?" "Oh," Tawney said. "You're the warrior then?" "Precisely. Though I fight not with my fists, but with my *mind*." "Then why the armor?" "Well, not everyone fights with their mind. Some people use their fists, and fists can hurt." "And the sword?" Tawney said, gesturing to the over-sized jewel encrusted blade at his side, glowing with power. "So you've noticed Balthazar," Sir Leidesburg said with a smug smile. He tried pulling it from its sheath but struggled for a moment before unstrapping it entirely and hefting it out with both hands, cradling it awkwardly in his arms like a baby. "I designed her myself. Do you notice the glow?" "Yes, I presume that's an immense magical power emanating from it?" "Not quite." Sir Leidesburg flipped the sword over. "LED lights. You see, the greatest offense is the *perception* of power. Deterrence is a key pillar of Leidesburg's theory. Some might say the only pillar." "Very smart," another man said. He had appeared out of nowhere, clad in black though his hair and long flowing beard were stark white. "The greatest warrior is one which never has to fight at all." "We didn't see you approach," Tawney said, taking in the newcomer. "So you must be the thief?" "My *name* is Slickwood Sly. I may have made some mistakes in my past, but it is not our past that defines us. To brand me as a thief is to reduce my very worth to nothing but a previous occupation." "Are you the thief or not," Tawney said impatiently. "We called for a thief." "You may have asked for a thief, but you've been given something far more valuable than that--a *friend*. I come not as a detestable rogue, but as a willing compatriot in this battle against Evil." "I think there has been some kind of mix up," Tawney said, but his thought was interrupted by the sight of slender man in spandex running towards them, arms straight out behind him. "Here!" The man panted, as he reached them, hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. "I came as fast as I could. Which, if I do say so myself, is *very* fast. Somebody call for a wizard?" "You're a wizard?" Tawney asked. "I don't recognize you, what're you known for?" "My impeccable stride. I am the fastest Wizard in the land. Two-time participant of the Kingdom's Annual Marathon." "Oh so you've magically augmented yourself to reach super-human speeds?" "What? No of course not, that'd be against the runners-code. I just have great cardio--all natural, baby." "Okay fine, but you do magic too though right?" "Well yes," the wizard said. "Of course, that's what I'm here for. I hear it's a special someone's birthday?" "Yes that would be me, I am the Chosen One" Kevin said, holding himself up with as much dignity as he could muster. He was betrayed by a shiver, causing him to hunch over and quake to preserve all semblance of warmth. "Well, you're a bit older than my usual clientele," the Wizard said. "But a birthday party is a birthday party. Where should I set up for the show?" "Show? There's no show! We need you to use your powers to conquer all Evil!" "Oh well I don't do so much of that. Do you like card tricks?" "I *love* card tricks." Kevin said, but was interrupted by Tawney, who had just punched the wall in frustration. "You're a *street magician?!*" Tawney exclaimed. "Well yes, if you're defining me by my side-hustle." "He likes to do that," Slickwood quipped. "He really is quite rude isn't he?" Sir Leidesburg said, chiming in. "I have half a mind to challenge him to a duel!" Slickwood shook his head poignantly. "Refrain, mighty warrior. Channel your frustration into something creative, such as poetry, for the pen is mightier than the sword." "Well, not mightier than Balthazar here. See how she glows? However, your point is well taken--I will refrain from violence in honor of *you,* noble sage." "Are those LED lights?" the Wizard asked looking around Sir Leidesburg's back. "Classic. You know I use a similar trick to light my staff at Bachelorette parties." "*ENOUGH!*" Tawney yelled. "This is madness! That's the last time I entrust the fate of the land in the hands of the clergy! Where the hell is Priest Gunther?!" "Here!" A large man bellowed from the distance. He was positively hulking, dressed in clerical robes, a giant cross around his neck. "Sorry I'm late! I see everyone's here?" "No!" Tawney yelled. "Who the hell are these goons?" "Uh... the team you wanted? You asked for the wisest thief, the fastest wizard, and the smartest warrior." "That's *not* what I asked for! You got that all mixed up! How is the Chosen One going to defeat Evil with these clowns?!" Priest Gunther seemed taken aback. "Oh lord, did you say the Chosen One?" "Yes! Who else?!" "Yeah so there *has* been a mix up," Priest Gunther said, holding up a blanket. "I thought we were meant to help the Frozen One." ***   Thanks for reading! I collect and post my personal favorite pieces at r/Banana_Scribe

Mania insisted on surrounding herself with death

The goddess Mania and I stood, side by side, at the bedside of a dying woman in a hospital, friends and family by her side. I had long ago given up coaxing her back to the underworld. She felt her place was surrounded by death, despite the fact that it depressed her so deeply. Mania didn't even *need* to be here. Her sister Libitina was the one that was the goddess of burials, and spent most of her time funeral-hopping, and Dea Tacita could often be found in the morgue, watching over the dead, their corpses being her domain. But Mania insisted on surrounding herself with death, and even after thousands of years of it bringing her sadness, she persisted in it. Once the woman had passed on, we wandered out into the hallway and Mania sat in a chair a waiting room we passed, prompting me to take the seat next to her. "Did that family seem at peace?" she asked, leaning back tiredly in the chair. That was one of her more common questions to me. At first, I found them strange, but now I found them par for the course. "That woman's death was a long time coming, so I feel they were," I answered. "How are you feeling today?" "Mm. Same as usual." That meant mildly depressed. 'All right' meant just that, an average mood, somewhat thoughtful and pensive. 'Horrible' meant she was feeling burdened by the misery of those who had attended the funerals we'd gone to or those who'd witnessed their loved ones die before their time. Or worse, those who had witnessed the results of a violent, brutal death, or even the death itself. The worst was when I got no response at all. That meant Mania was lost in a churning whirlpool of her despondent thoughts, and I would need to put more effort into drawing her out. She would sometimes return to the underworld, though never at my urging, only to curl up in bed in a state of depression that she couldn't be pulled from, that she just needed to make her way through mentally on her own. But I had a new plan today. It was the culmination of research I'd been doing in my off hours (even Mania had to report back to Pluto, and that could take a while) for a few weeks now. It was difficult to say how it would go, but I'd tried various strategies over the years for helping my goddess through her difficult existence, and I wasn't about to give up now. "We have a funeral next," I told her. "I'd like to go now, if that's all right by you. So we're not late." "Sure. Is it a well-known figure?" she asked, pushing herself to her feet with me. "Not quite. But I wanted to arrive with plenty of time to spend there." I opened a portal in front of us, allowing her through first, and I followed, closing it behind us. We'd arrived in a large room, similar to so many others we'd visited over the years, used for funeral wakes. And I looked over to Mania, whose gaze slid over the people in the room, our presence, as always, invisible to them. "I...don't understand," she said, glancing to me with confused, narrowed eyes. "They seem...happy." And they were. Nenia Dea, the goddess of funerals, had tipped me off to this one. As experiments go for cheering up Mania, this was definitely a new one. "An increasing number of humans are starting to take death in stride, or go even further, and partake in what they're calling a 'celebration of life'," I said, a subdued smile on my face. Mania shook her head suddenly at that. "Then we shouldn't be here. This is the domain of Thesan or Artume-" "No, this is a wake," I said firmly. "They are here because of a death. That is your domain, is it not?" The goddess didn't reply, continuing to look around the room curiously and eventually started to mingle, and I followed. There was a slideshow of photos of the deceased playing on two flatscreen televisions up in the corners of the room for everyone to see, but that was common. Less common was the fact that Monty Python's Always Look on the Bright Side of Life played from the speakers as people happily chatted about the life of the deceased, a man named Bailey Hammond. We overheard a story nearby of the man's son recounting something his father had said about shutting his eyes while on a bicycle, unsurprisingly landing him in the hospital in a leg cast. Another had been a student of the deceased and was talking excitedly with classmates about the field of research they were pursuing, explaining how Hammond always made class interesting. The coffin was most surprising, to us. It seemed Hammond was a big fan of a certain sports team, as instead of the typical black suit, his burial clothes were something he would have worn to a football game. Not only that, but his casket was the colors of the team, a cheerful red and white rather than the typical somber dark brown wood. "Death is an end," I spoke up, as we took a respite in the corner of the room, away from the chattering friends and family, "but it is a necessary end. You don't mourn the end of a party; you reflect on how much enjoyment it brought you. Similarly, humans have started to take on this attitude with their lives. Of course, the more religious think it disrespectful, as the upcoming afterlife is what a funeral should be about to them, but so many humans have become secular that this was an inevitable outcome." "It is...pleasing," Mania said softly, her gaze going from one human to the next. "They are all sad, of course, I can sense it, and yet there's an undeniable joy they're expressing of the appreciation of having this person in their lives." "And they couldn't have had this day together without Bailey Hammond's death," I said. "He's left them, yes, but they still have countless wonderful memories, and it seems the man's wishes were that they came together in a celebration and appreciation of the time they'd had with him. In laughter rather than in tears. There are so many who aren't fortunate enough to experience nearly as many years, and while making his wishes known before his time came, he must have known that and understood how lucky he was." As I stood there, friend and therapist to a goddess, I felt the satisfaction of a job well done as I always did, but more than that, I felt something new. There was a small smile on Mania's face, and as someone who spent their days constantly among death, there was an emotion in me that I rarely experienced. Hope. And I looked forward to helping my goddess through this next change in the way humans experienced death. ​ /r/storiesbykaren

Hephaestus, a hard

"Oh god!" cried Hephaestus, looking at the pictures my associates took for him. "That's no god," I said with as much sympathy as I could. "I know who it is!" Hephaestus snapped at me, as he flipped through the pictures of his wife, Aphrodite, with her lover, Ares. It's my job. It's not glamorous. But it pays the bills and sometimes it feels good to help a fella out like this man here, Hephaestus. A hard worker who worked his way up and now owns three steel mills in the center of the industrial district. Built his company--Vulcan Industries--with his own hands. Now they're living high on the hog, and what's his wife do? She gets playful with the Olympus's chief of police, Ares. It ain't good to have a man like Ares knowing I been spying on him with his sidepiece, but I told Hephaestus I'd help him, and I took his money. So here we are. "Look I'm real sorry, mister," I say to Hephaestus, who is still flipping through the pictures. "Now how 'bout you get a drink. Head down to the bar *The Bacchae,* Dionysus runs it and is a good friend of mine. Tell him the drink's on me." Hephaestus dropped the pictures and looked at me, smiling. "No," he said and I didn't like the look in his eyes. "No, I got plans of my own." "Now just take it easy," I said to the man. "Don't go doing anything stupid." Hephaestus set an envelope down on my desk with my payment and stood up. "Thank you, Jason, for your service. I knew I could trust you." "Just doing my job. Look, I take no pleasure in it. I was hoping it wouldn't turn out this way with your wife." "Goodbye, Jason." "See you around, Hephaestus," I said, tipping my cap to him as he walked out of the room. I leaned back in my chair. Another day in Olympus, this god forsaken city filled with the most spiteful and petty and two-timin' people imaginable. I can't complain though, these people keep me well employed. Bought me a Studebaker just a couple months. It was expensive, but a man's gotta have style if he wants to attract the right customers. "Mr. Iolcus," I hear my assistant, Medea, over the intercom. "A lady is here to see you." "Let her in, Medea. Thank you." Here we go again, I say to myself, standing up and brushing off my suit, looking in the mirror. I nod in approval. The door opens and a beautiful woman walks in. She is older. Blonde hair down to her shoulders. Enough jewelry around her neck to pay a kid's way through college. "How many I help you....," I say, reaching for her hand, inquiring for her name. "Mrs. Kronos," she said. "But you can call me Hera." My heart skips a beat. "Kronos," I repeated. "I don't imagine you are..." "Yes, Mr. Iolcus. My husband is Zeus, the mayor. He's actually the reason I'm here to see you." What a day, I say to myself. "Alright, Mrs. Kronos, why don't you just sit right there." I lead her to a chair for clients in from of my desk. "Smoke?" I ask her, pulling out my gold case from my suit pocket. "No," she said, waving her gloved hand. "No thank you." "You mind?" I ask. "It's not everyday I get the Mayor's wife in here." "Go ahead," she said. Her face was serious, drawn tight. She was beautiful, even at her age. And elegant. Her gloved hands held the sparkling purse on her lap and she sat up straight, like a statue. If the mayor was foolin' around on her, he was an idiot. But aren't we all? I took a deep drag on my cigarette, then asked, "how may I help you, Mrs. Kronos?" "Do you know my husband, Mr. Iolcus?" "Never met the man," I said. "Well, I'm sure you've heard rumors." "Rumors don't mean much, Mrs. Kronos. Now look, I'm a busy man. Is there something I can do for you?" She looked at me nervously. "Yes, Mr. Iolcus--" "Call me, Jason." "Yes, Jason, there is. You see, I believe my husband is having an affair." I nod, taking another drag of my cigarette. "Do you love your husband, Mrs. Kronos?" "I do," she said. "Then how 'bout you just forget about this? Are you sure you really want what I may find? Honestly, your husband can make my life hard if he finds out about this. I got a license I gotta look out for." "What's your rate?" She asked me. "I'm not cheap, ma'am." "Well I'll pay you your regular rate plus an extra $5,000 if you find anything." I stroke my chin, thinking. But there ain't much to think about. $5,000 dollars makes it simple. I press the intercom. "Medea, bring Mrs. Kronos one of our standard contracts, will you?" "Right away, Mr. Iolcus." "Are you sure about this, Mrs. Kronos?" "I'm sure," she said as Medea walked in and placed the contract in front of Mrs. Kronos who bent forward and signed the contract. I grabbed the contract and signed it then ripped the carbon copy off the back and handed it to Mrs. Kronos. I walked Medea out of the room and held it open. "I'll be in touch with you soon, Mrs. Kronos. I'll get started on the case today." She stood up and I got a whiff of her perfume. She turned and looked at me as she walked past, and I felt weak in the knees. What a knockout she was. "Let's hope that this is all just a misunderstanding." She laughed a little as she walked past Medea's desk and out into the rainy Olympus night. \---- I lock up for the night and turn to walk to my car, pulling my trench coat tight. The rain has stopped, and the steam is coming off the street in wavy hoary strings. As I get close to my car, a police crawler pulls up and two thugs with badges get out, looking at me like a dog drooling over a piece of raw meat. "Where you headin' tonight?" one of the officers asked me. "Your wife just called, said she was feeling a little lonely, thought I'd stop by," I say, taking a drag of my cigarette. "Wise guy, eh? Let's see if you're so wise missin' a few teeth," the police officer said, tapping his trudgeon on the front of my car. "Save it," I say, blowing out a cloud of smoke. "That may work on some street walker, but you ain't scaring me." "Police Chief wants to see you downtown. You're coming with us, Jason." I could make a fuss out of this, but that wouldn't really help any. "Alright, big shot. Let's take a drive then." I flick my cigarette at his feet and walk towards the crawler. I knew I shouldn't have taken that damn contract with Hephaestus. Ares isn't someone I want to be on their bad side. \---- ***Part II Below***

Ifandi stood outside the door to

"Look, I don't give a single frack what it takes, get that law passed and get it passed now! Do you hear me? Now!" Ifandi stood just outside the door to her boss's office, a steaming cup of khav in hand. She'd left the sugar out this time, the rhetoric around the new prohibitions was infecting everything it seemed and Mr. Krupp's moods were legendary. "Favors? You dare talk to me about favors? Who got you that office two cycles ago, is your memory really that short? If you don't pass my law I'll find someone else who will!" There was another pause, the voice on the other end of the commlink said something indistinct. "Finally!" her boss said, exasperated. "I expect it by the end of the day, do I make myself clear? Good, I'll see you at down on the green at the end of the week and I'll kick your hind limbs there too. Thank you Madame Speaker." Ifandi knocked, Mr. Krupp was a horrific caffeine addict and after stressful calls he needed his fix immediately. "Enter!" he called gruffly. Opening the door she was caught, as always, by the contrast between her boss's bearing and appearance. He was young for a power broker (barely 45 cycles) and sometime in childhood one of his horns had been snapped off, leaving his skull with a stilted, almost comical look. "Thank the Gods!" he said with an easy grin, "my savior has arrived." This was the other side of his moods, the man was like a storm at sea, unpredictable at the best of times. Still though, he always started out nice with her and the other interns. He was a bad man and that was without a doubt, but he still remembered coming up from the bottom as well. Mr. Krupp took the khav gratefully with his upper forelimbs, the lower set swiping articles across screens, sending messages that would end lives and rewrite the balance of power across whole systems. He sniffed at it, making a face and setting the mug aside. "No sugar?" he asked. Ifandi nodded. "I need sugar, a lot of it." He made a cupping gesture with one of his free hands, pointing at it with the other. "That much at least, more if we have it." "Oh yes sir, sorry sir." Ifandi bowed deeply, lowering her horns to the ground in formal obeisance. Before taking the mug and turning to race from the room. "You're not even going to ask?" he said from behind her. "Excuse me sir?" "Kid, what's your name?" "Ifandi, sir." "Look Ifandi," he said, and a few shocking moments later one of the galaxy's most powerful beings stopped everything he was doing, darkening his monitors and turning his eye stalks on her, a lowly intern. "You've got to ask things like this, you're here to learn after all, that's how I got where I am. I won't begrudge others doing the same." He grinned suddenly, "although I might still scream at you if the question is stupid. No offense." "Yes sir," she said nervously. "Sir, if you don't believe in the sugar ban then why are you pushing so hard for it? I've seen some of your business portfolio, I know you have sugar refineries on at least three planets so this will hit your bottom line as hard as anyone else's." "You checked my portfolio? Good, I approve." Mr. Krupp reached out, plucking the khav from her hands and drinking it in a single long chug. "Gods that stuff is awful without sugar! Look kid, you've heard of the Humans right? Those new bipeds from Sol?" She nodded. "Good. I just got word last week that they made their first successful FTL jump and rules are rules, there are some even I can't break." "So they'll be admitted to the Federation?" Ifandi asked. "Oh yes, they have to be now. I've been watching human politics for a while, I've made it a habit with every new species. All species operate differently, some are cutthroat, some are cowardly, some believe in firmly defined structures, others in diffuse almost anarchical collectives. If you want to be a power broker you have to know things like this. The humans have their own little quirks too, one in particular. Can you guess what it is?" "They seem very warlike," she offered. "Not so much more than some. No, the humans have something far more dangerous. They're corrupt as all hell." He paused for a moment, shaking his head. "Really, their politics are the most nebulous web of corporate back channels and purchased offices I've ever seen, some of their leaders even report back to multiple buyers! Can you imagine that? At least I fully own my people. "You mark my words kid, if we let the humans join like we do all the others they'll have a senator in the first century and a minister not long after, its frankly sickening to watch them work." Ifandi's brain was in overdrive, her eye stalks swiveling back and forth in extreme concentration. "But why the sugar then?" "The sugar," he said, "is a work of art. Each one of those little apes is nearly as addicted to the stuff as me. I got the idea from them actually, they have these things called campaign ads where they engage in something called mudslinging. The goal appears to be to paint their enemy in such a negative light that nobody even takes a look at their politics, they all just vote their guts or some such nonsense. It's a brilliant idea, I've got to hand it to them. We'll paint the whole lot of them as horrific drug addicts and harp on that until that's all the voters can think of. I hope they like mud!" He chortled loudly, swinging his forelimbs about as if throwing things. "Now go get me another khav, with sugar this time and enter quietly. No knocking and no disturbances or I'll snap your eye stalks off. I've got a war to start." \------- If you enjoyed that I've got tons more over at r/TurningtoWords. I'm nearly 30,000 words into a serial that's all free to read and there's other fun shorts like a psychic space tiger. Come check it out, I'd love to have you!