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Q: div toggle show/hide for parent and child relation ship in angular 6 I have list of values in div with parent and child relation ship. When I toggle any specific parent record, all the child records associated with other parents also gets opened. I bind this div from service (API) Please find the sample code used for the above function <div class="table rts-table-parentChild" *ngFor="let userRole of userRoleActions; let i = index"> <div class="table-row table-header"> <div class="table-cell"> <span *ngIf="userRole.userRoleSubActions.length" id="section{{userRole.actionName}}" class="margin-right-5 fa fa-plus-circle" role="button" tabindex="0" [ngClass]="[clickPlus === false ? 'fa fa-plus-circle' : 'fa fa-minus-circle']" (click)="clickPlus=!clickPlus"></span> {{userRole.actionName}} </div> <div class="table-cell"> <input type="checkbox" [ngModelOptions]="{standalone: true}" class="setup-checkbox" id="ChekCreate{{userRole.actionName}}" [(ngModel)]="userRole.isCreateChecked" (click)="selectParentRole(i,'create')"> </div> <div class="table-cell"> <input type="checkbox"[ngModelOptions]="{standalone: true}" class="setup-checkbox" id="ChekDelete{{userRole.actionName}}" [(ngModel)]="userRole.isDeleteChecked" (click)="selectParentRole(i,'delete')"> </div> </div> <ng-container *ngIf="clickPlus"> <div style="display:table-row-group;" *ngFor="let item of userRole.userRoleSubActions; let j = index"> <div class="table-row "> <div class="table-cell" class="subj"> {{item.actionName}}</div> <div class="table-cell"> <input type="checkbox" [ngModelOptions]="{standalone: true}" class="setup-checkbox" [(ngModel)]="item.isCreateChecked" (change)="isCreateChecked(i,'create')"> </div> <div class="table-cell"> <input type="checkbox" [ngModelOptions]="{standalone: true}" class="setup-checkbox" [(ngModel)]="item.isDeleteChecked" (change)="isCreateChecked(i,'delete')"> </div> </div> </div> </ng-container> A: Hi because are toggle on variable clickPlus That's why specific parent record, all parent record is togged. So you have to add show:boolen in model of userRoleActions and in click event you can toggle like (click)="userRole.show=!userRole.show" Hope you understand my point may this will help you.

Phullu Phullu is a 2017 Indian drama film directed by Abhishek Saxena. Produced by Pushpa Chaudhary, Dr. Anmol Kapoor, Kshitij Chaudhary & Raman Kapoor under the Kapoor Film Inc Kc Production Pvt.Ltd banner. The film was released worldwide on June 16, 2017. The film stars Sharib Hashmi, Jyotii Sethi, and Nutan Surya which is inspired from the life of Arunachalam Muruganantham, a social activist from Tamil Nadu. Phullu is about Phullu, an errand boy who eventually makes low-cost menstruation pads. Plot Phullu the titular character (portrayed by Sharib Hashmi) that's the typical good guy. Phullu's mother sells quilts because he doesn't have a job. He helps out his mom by procuring all the raw material for the quilts from the nearby town. In addition, he also picks up all the other stuff the women in his village may need from there. When Phullu gets married, he realises that his wife keeps taking away pieces of red cloth from the material he gathers for the quilts. He wonders about it, but doesn't connect the dots as he knows nothing about menstruation. Neither his wife or mother explain the concept to him. The women in his life also want Phullu to move to a big city and find work. But he's adamant about staying back in the village. Finally, a turning point in Phullu's life comes when he finds out about menstruation through a female doctor at a chemist's shop on one of his city visits. He finally begins to understand why his wife needs the cloth, and why she suffers from itching every night. He then takes rather drastic step of using all the money reserved for the last installment payment for his sister's jewellery to get a whole lot of sanitary pads. His furious mother kicks him out of the house, saying that he's wasted the money she earned with so much difficulty. When he tries to protest that the sanitary napkins are more important, his mother says her grandmother used wood to get rid of the itching and went on to live for 102 years, so pads are irrelevant. Phullu goes to the city, where he gets in touch with the doctor who'd educated him about menstruation. He manages to create a sanitary napkin of his own. However, his mother and sister refuse to test it, as do the other women in the village for whom he used to run errands in the city. His wife is pregnant at this time, so she can't help him out either but is in how supportive Phullu's wife is, of his endeavour to manufacture low-cost sanitary napkins. See also Pad Man Period. End of Sentence. References External links Category:Indian drama films Category:2017 films

The subject matter disclosed herein generally relates to an aircraft deicing system, and more particularly, to a deicing system for a rotor blade of a rotary wing aircraft. Rotary wing aircrafts may encounter atmospheric conditions that cause the formation of ice on rotor blades and other surfaces of the aircraft. Accumulated ice, if not removed can add weight to the aircraft and may alter the airfoil configuration, causing undesirable flying characteristics. A common approach to ice management is thermal deicing. Thermal deicing includes heating portions of the rotor blades, such as the leading edge for example, to loosen accumulated ice. Centrifugal forces acting on the rotor blades, and the airstream passing there over, remove the loosened ice from the rotor blades. Desired portions of the rotor blades are typically heated using electro thermal heating elements arranged at the leading edges of the airfoils, in direct contact with the blade spar. As a result of this direct contact, a malfunction of the electro thermal heating elements, such as by overheating or shorting for example, may damage the spar thereby affecting the structural stability and/or the airfoil of the rotor blade.

Investigation on the heavy metal content of zinc-carbon and alkaline manganese dry cells. The objective of this work was to test the compliance of commercially available batteries with the German Battery Ordinance, a project of the German government that was initiated by the Federal Environment Agency. Different types of commercially available dry cells were analysed for their cadmium, lead and mercury contents. The dry cells underwent mechanical pre-treatment, separation of the different components and microwave-assisted digestion before determination of the heavy metals. Mercury is sometimes added to prevent the generation of gaseous hydrogen from the electrochemical process. Lead could be present since it is sometimes used as an alloying element of zinc. Cadmium has no technical importance and is an undesirable impurity. None of the batteries contained higher heavy metal mass fractions than the permissible limits.

Dog the Bounty Hunter hunts down incredible ratings Meagan Morris is an entertainment and lifestyle journalist living in New York City. In addition to SheKnows, Morris contributes to many publications including The New York Times, Yahoo! News, PopEater, NBC New York and Spinner. Follow he... Dog and family dealing with personal issues Dog the Bounty Hunter is back for 2012! Find out what sort of shenanigans brought in millions of viewers during its Wednesday night debut. Duane "Dog" Chapman and his family of bounty hunters snagged nearly 2.9 million viewers for the first episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter for the new season, according to the network. "The eighth season premiere was cable's most-watched entertainment show in the 10 p.m. hour last night and A&E became the number one entertainment cable network in primetime among adults 25-54 and 18-49 for the night," the network said in a statement. This season is poised to explore some family problems within the large Chapman family — daughter "Baby" Lyssa Chapman's March arrest will air on an episode, as will tensions between Chapman and his oldest son, Duane Lee. "I love you, dad. This is Travis. I want to go home. I don't like it here," the boy told his father also named Travis. They gained custody after an audio recording surfaced that allegedly showed the father beating the child with a belt. "I've told (my grandson) that daddy is not gone forever. Daddy has to go to school and you know what he told me, 'will they really tell him not to hit me anymore?' I said yes they won't just tell him they'll make sure, and he goes (big sigh) 'good,'" Dog said. It sounds like they'll be dealing more with family drama than criminal drama this season. Image courtesy Michael Wright/WENN.com Did you watch Dog the Bounty Hunter Wednesday night? What are your thoughts on the new season?

General Election 10 generally went the predicted way, albeit for a few surprises such as Labour not being decimated even after a major scandal / poor term, and New Britain’s electoral failure. As predicted though, liberal parties heavily gained. One of these heavy gains was in my constituency of Cambridgeshire. Eelsmaj, the incumbent Cambridgeshire MP proudly boasted how his majority in votes was 11x that of my majority back in GE8 (his majority was 44k). Furthermore, during the Single Market referendum, Leave won by roughly 87000 votes. So going into the election, Cambridgeshire was a Tory and Leave constituency. Not exactly Liberal Democrat territory, who had made no secret of their opinions on Brexit. However, the election result for Cambridgeshire shows a very different future. With a majority of 76,000 (more than twice of all the votes for the Conservatives and Labour), I had won the election. This was not a close, tight race. I had won the election by a super majority, in a Leave constituency. This is a big deal. So what does this show? It shows that people are waking up to the reality that a future outside the EU, with a poorly negotiated deal, is a future that they don’t want. This shows that I, and my other Liberal Democrat MP’s have a mandate to continue the fight for a final referendum on the deal. I am not ignoring the will of the people, but obeying the will of Cambridgeshire. We are currently in the stages of appealing the Electoral Commission’s decision to block the final referendum to the Supreme Court, and I will keep on fighting for a final referendum both through the legal system with our challenge, and through grassroots campaigning.

Off The Wire Goldcorp says protest could halt production at Mexico gold mine MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - Canada’s Goldcorp said on Monday an ongoing protest blocking entry to its Penasquito mine, one of Mexico’s biggest gold producers, could force the company to halt output. The mine, in northern Zacatecas state, produced 476,000 ounces of gold last year, comprising 18 percent of Goldcorp’s total production and generating more than 33 percent of its revenue. The demonstration began on June 1, led by local truck-drivers who say the company reneged on promises to hire locally. Local residents also blocked access at the mine last year, protesting for more than a week over a water dispute. The company later said it was able to resume normal operations without a hit to production. Michael Harvey, Goldcorp’s director of corporate affairs, said the current blockade was illegal and had prevented the flow of workers and supplies. “We are still working, but if we can’t let supplies in, at some point we will stop producing,” he said. Ascension Carrillo, one of the protest leaders, said the goal was to get Goldcorp to fulfill its hiring promises. “The only thing we want is the work that was promised to us ... we’re fighting to feed our families,” Carrillo said. Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and may not reflect those of Kitco Metals Inc. The author has made every effort to ensure accuracy of information provided; however, neither Kitco Metals Inc. nor the author can guarantee such accuracy. This article is strictly for informational purposes only. It is not a solicitation to make any exchange in commodities, securities or other financial instruments. Kitco Metals Inc. and the author of this article do not accept culpability for losses and/ or damages arising from the use of this publication.

[The assessment of 99mTc-HMPAO tumor scintigraphy using VX-2 tumors in rabbits]. Tumor scintigraphy using 99mTc-hexamethyl-propyleneamine oxime (99mTc-HMPAO) was performed in VX-2 tumors implanted in the muscles of the lower limbs of rabbits to evaluate the possibility that this agent could be used to estimate the blood perfusion of the tumor. The distribution of 99mTc-HMPAO in the tumor immediately after the intravenous injection of this radiopharmaceutical exhibited almost the same distribution on the static image 1 hour after administration. Tumor time-activity curve for 99mTc-HMPAO revealed initial peak after the injection followed by fading of 99mTc-HMPAO activity and subsequent gradual decrease in activity over the next 1 hour. The ratio of 99mTc-HMPAO activity in the tumor to that in normal muscle tissue during this next 1 hour was high and independent of time. These findings indicate that static 99mTc-HMPAO scintigraphy can provide qualitative but not quantitative data useful in the estimation of tumor blood perfusion. Moreover, comparison of distribution of 99mTc-HMPAO on the static images and angiographic, histological findings also suggest that static 99mTc-HMPAO images accurately reflect tumor blood perfusion.

Revision gastric bypass after laparoscopic adjustable gastric band: a 10-year experience at a public teaching hospital. In Australia, there is limited access to public revisional bariatric procedures. However, the need for such procedures is rising. We investigated the safety and efficacy of band-to-bypass procedures in our experience at a public teaching hospital over a period of 10 years. Using a prospectively maintained bariatric surgical database, we analysed 91 consecutive planned band-to-bypass procedures from 2007 to November 2016. All patients had prior laparoscopic adjustable gastric bands removed and formation of Roux-en-Y gastric bypass, in one or two stages. Primary outcomes were 30-day complication rate and excess weight loss from 12 months. The impact of fellows as primary operators on these outcomes was assessed. Eighty-two patients met the inclusion criteria. Seventy-one (84.5%) were females. Mean age was 48.8 years (SD: 8.85). Immediate post-operative complications included six (7.3%) patients with gastrojejunostomy leak, three of whom required conversion to laparotomy, with one mortality (1.22%). Fifty-two patients had follow-up of 1 year or more (median: 2.36, range: 1-9.24). Mean excess weight loss at the end of follow-up was 52.79% (SD: 46.46). Twenty-eight (34.14%) cases were performed primarily by a fellow under the guidance of an experienced bariatric surgeon, with equivalent results. Revisional band-to-bypass in the public setting is an effective but complex procedure associated with morbidity. Some risk may be ameliorated by development of selection criteria to exclude certain high-risk groups. We hope discussion amongst other bariatric groups will further refine this approach.

Dave Davis (bowler) Dave Davis (born April 28, 1942) is a former American professional ten-pin bowler and former member of the Professional Bowlers Association (PBA). He grew up in Sweet Valley, Pennsylvania, and now resides in Lake Placid, Florida. Beginning his PBA career in 1964, the left-hander won 18 PBA Tour titles, including four majors. He was inducted into the PBA Hall of Fame in 1978. Davis won multiple titles in a season four times, including six titles in the 1967 season alone. The 1967 season would see him win the PBA National Championship on his way to Player of the Year honors. He also won the PBA National Championship in 1965, plus two PBA Tournament of Champions titles (1968 and 1975). As a PBA Senior Tour bowler, Davis won back-to-back titles in the USBC Senior Masters (1995 and 1996). In addition, Davis served the PBA in various positions on the Executive Board and Tournament Committee. He was ranked #19 on the PBA's 2008 list of "50 Greatest Players of the Last 50 Years." For a brief period, Davis spent time in the TV broadcast booth, alongside play-by-play announcer Chris Schenkel. After the death of Schenkel's long-time broadcast partner, Billy Welu, in 1974, Davis and Dick Weber shared analyst duties on ABC-TV's Professional Bowlers Tour until Nelson Burton Jr. was hired as a full-time replacement in 1975. Davis also appeared regularly on the 1970s version of Celebrity Bowling as an analyst and cohost. References Category:1942 births Category:Living people Category:American ten-pin bowling players Category:Sportspeople from Hackensack, New Jersey Category:Bowling broadcasters

Python swarm Just found out about PyObjC. Talked earlier this week with Corinne Coen, over in the School of Management, who has done some work with Swarm. I played with Swarm a bit while at Santa Fe, and would love to do more work with it, but I fear that writing objects for simulation in Objective C could be a stumbling point for some of our grad students. It seems that there are other efforts under way to simplify the process, but since I am planning on teaching an intro to “Programming for Informaticists” in Python next year, it might be worth looking into how to integrate python objects into Swarm.

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Introduction Replace the Oil with Unsweetened Applesauce to make these Waffles perfect in taste as well as Calories and Fat. Replace the Oil with Unsweetened Applesauce to make these Waffles perfect in taste as well as Calories and Fat.

1. Technical Field Embodiments of the present invention relate generally to providing an on-board diagnostic port connector in an automobile with a lockable connection, and specifically to a lockable connection that is discreet and easy to operate. 2. Background of Related Art On-board diagnostic regulations require passenger cars and trucks to be equipped with a standardized connector to provide access to the vehicles diagnostic information. Since 1996, the standard required has been one published in Society of Automotive Engineers paper SAE J1962, known as OBD-II (or OBD2). This standard specifies the signal and message protocols, the pinout of the connector, and the details of the connector itself. This standard connector is the access point for the diagnostic and operational information about the vehicle. The OBD-II port is crucial in such tasks as checking and clearing diagnostic trouble codes, allowing for governmental vehicle inspection, and driver provided supplemental instrumentation and telematics. These applications generally involve temporary, and voluntary, connections to the car's OBD-II port, commonly referred to as plug and remove. In the car rental and fleet vehicle industries, there is often a desire to have a device connected to the vehicle's diagnostics. These devices can be hard-wired into the vehicle's electronics, or they can be plugged into the vehicle's OBD-II port. Each of these options has its own advantages and disadvantages. Devices that are hard-wired into the vehicle's electronics provide the most secure and least intrusive option. Such devices connect directly to the vehicle control unit or are spliced into the wiring harness of the vehicle. If done properly, these connections will be semi-permanent and very reliable. These devices also allow the OBD-II port to be unobstructed and be available for other devices to connect. Furthermore, since they are made in the vehicles wiring, they are rarely visible or otherwise evident without removing dashboard panels or looking in the engine bay. In a rental or fleet situation, the user not being aware of the device can be helpful to prevent tampering or removal. Though these hard-wired devices offer several advantages, their main drawback is the cost of time and labor associated with their proper installation. Proper installation of a hard-wired device requires a trained technician to first remove interior panels to access the wiring necessary. Once the technician has access to the wiring of the vehicle, great care must be taken to properly tap into the necessary inputs without doing permanent damage to the vehicle. This process can take anywhere from a few hours to a few days per vehicle. Additionally, mistakes made during this installation can cost thousands of dollars to repair. Once the vehicles are no longer to be used in the fleet, uninstalling them to be installed in other fleet vehicles (or to provide for the sale of the decommissioned vehicle) is an equally labor intensive process. The alternative to such laborious installation procedures is an OBD-II port connected device. These devices have the advantage of taking only minutes or hours to install and secure in the dash area of the vehicle. Similarly, they are easily uninstalled at the end of a vehicle's service time. Because they are so easily installed and uninstalled, their downside is that they are often disconnected before it is desired by the fleet owner. This could be from vibrations gradually loosening the connection, an operator accidentally knocking the plug out, or a driver intentionally unplugging a device. The standard for OBD-II requires that the port be located within reach of the steering wheel, which typically results in the port being located in or around the foot well of a passenger vehicle. As such, a driver may accidentally contact the plug, loosening or disconnecting the device from the vehicle. Furthermore, potential operators may seek to intentionally remove the devices, either to prevent the collection of vehicle data, or to steal the device. What is needed, therefore, is an OBD-II compliant connector that is easy for a technician to install and uninstall, but difficult for an operator to knock loose or remove without permission. It is to such systems and methods that embodiments of the present invention are primarily directed.

Same-sex marriage legalized in Australia by overwhelmingly public vote Australians at home and abroad are rejoicing because their fellow countrymen & women have made sure their voices are heard regarding same-sex marriage — and they are all unanimously in favor of it! According to the results of a groundbreaking national postal survey that was carried out by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), close to 62 percent of Australians who voted said YES to legalize same-sex marriage with a clear majority in every single state and territory demanding they get marriage equality. The overall turnout of eligible voters nationwide was close to 76 percent. The government, which chose to survey the people instead of conventional methods, will present the results before the parliament to pass the verdict on the issue. Its expected that a bill for the same will pass, with many opponents of same-sex marriage in their parliament surprisingly promising to respect the result and provisions for amendments. Labor MPs are unanimously in favor of the bill along with a large section of cross-benchers expected to support the bill. Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (who voted yes), has already pledged to follow through with the popular vote. “We must respect the voice of our people. We asked them for their opinion and they have clearly given it to us. It is overwhelming,” he said at a press conference. The Prime Minister said a decision vote will come sometime before Christmas. The Opposition Labor Party’s leader, Bill Shorten, at a rally in Melbourne, said: “What a fabulous time to be an Australian – because in this survey the Australian population has stated that Australia is absolutely ready for wholesome marriage equality. With this, Australia is en route to become the 25th country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage (in at least some jurisdictions and provinces).

Liestal, Switzerland, September 28, 2016 - Santhera Pharmaceuticals (SIX: SANN) announces that the first patient has been enrolled at the University of Kansas Medical Center (KUMC), Department of Neurology, Kansas (USA) in Santhera's randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled phase III (SIDEROS) trial. The trial will assess the efficacy of Raxone in slowing the rate of respiratory function decline in Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD) patients receiving concomitant glucocorticoids. "We first observed the efficacy of Raxone in slowing the rate of respiratory function decline in DMD patients in both glucocorticoid-using and non-using patients in the phase II DELPHI study," commented Thomas Meier , PhD, CEO of Santhera. "The successful Phase III DELOS trial which enrolled glucocorticoid non-using patients then confirmed a clinically relevant and statistically significant benefit of Raxone treatment on pulmonary function. The now initiated Phase III SIDEROS trial is designed to confirm the efficacy of Raxone in patients experiencing respiratory function decline that are currently taking glucocorticoids. If successful, this study will provide data that support use of Raxone in all DMD patients experiencing respiratory decline irrespective of their glucocorticoid use. The high level of interest from investigators and the patient community should allow us to recruit this study quickly." "We are hopeful that this phase III trial is the final step in the development program with Raxone in DMD," said Gunnar Buyse , MD, PhD, Professor of Child Neurology at the University Hospitals Leuven (Belgium) and SIDEROS PI and Lead Investigator for Europe. "Following the exploratory phase II program and the successful phase III DELOS trial, I am grateful that Santhera is committed in exploring the full therapeutic potential of Raxone for patients with DMD." "Maintaining pulmonary function in patients with DMD has only recently become a prominent therapeutic objective in DMD, particularly in non-ambulatory patients," added Oscar Henry Mayer , MD, Medical Director of the Pulmonary Function Testing Laboratory at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and Lead Investigator for US. "A patient and caregiver survey conducted by Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy clearly demonstrated that the DMD community highly values treatment options for pulmonary complications." About the SIDEROS Trial SIDEROS is a phase III, double-blind, randomized, placebo-controlled trial with Raxone in approximately 260 DMD patients receiving concomitant glucocorticoids. Patients with declining respiratory function on any stable glucocorticoid treatment scheme and irrespective of the underlying dystrophin mutation or ambulatory status will be eligible. Study participants will receive either Raxone (900 mg/day; given as 2 tablets 3 times a day with meals) or placebo for 78 weeks (18 months). The primary endpoint of the trial is change from baseline to week 78 in forced vital capacity % predicted (FVC%p). Secondary endpoints include changes from baseline in % predicted peak expiratory flow (PEF%p), time to first 10% decline in FVC and change from baseline in inspiratory flow reserve. Patients completing the trial will be offered the opportunity to enroll in an open label extension study where all patients receive Raxone. The study will be conducted at about 50 centers in the United States and Europe. Patients wishing to enroll in the study should contact their neuromuscular clinic physician. Further information about the study is available under www.clinicaltrials.gov . About Raxone ® (Idebenone) in Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and Regulatory Status Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD) is one of the most common and devastating types of muscle degeneration and results in rapidly progressive muscle weakness. DMD is characterized by a loss of the protein dystrophin, leading to cell damage, impaired calcium homeostasis, elevated oxidative stress and reduced energy production in muscle cells. This results in progressive muscle weakness and wasting and early morbidity and mortality due to respiratory failure. Idebenone is a synthetic short-chain benzoquinone and a cofactor for the enzyme NAD(P)H:quinone oxidoreductase (NQO1) capable of stimulating mitochondrial electron transport, reducing and scavenging reactive oxygen species (ROS) and supplementing cellular energy levels. The European Medicines Agency's Committee for Medicinal Products for Human Use (CHMP) is currently assessing a Marketing Authorization Application (MAA) for Raxone in DMD patients with respiratory function decline who are not taking concomitant glucocorticoids. The indication would include patients who previously were treated with glucocorticoids or in whom glucocorticoid treatment is not desired, not tolerated or is contraindicated. The MAA was submitted as a Type II variation of the company's existing marketing authorization for Raxone for the treatment of visual impairment in patients with Leber's hereditary optic neuropathy (LHON). About Santhera Santhera Pharmaceuticals (SIX: SANN) is a Swiss specialty pharmaceutical company focused on the development and commercialization of innovative pharmaceutical products for the treatment of orphan mitochondrial and neuromuscular diseases. Santhera's lead product Raxone is authorized in the European Union, Norway, Iceland and Liechtenstein for the treatment of Leber's hereditary optic neuropathy (LHON). For Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD), the second indication for Raxone, Santhera has filed a Marketing Authorization Application (MAA) in the European Union. In collaboration with the US National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS) Santhera is developing Raxone in a third indication, primary progressive multiple sclerosis (PPMS), and omigapil for congenital muscular dystrophy (CMD), all areas of high unmet medical need. For further information, please visit the Company's website www.santhera.com . Disclaimer / Forward-looking statements This communication does not constitute an offer or invitation to subscribe for or purchase any securities of Santhera Pharmaceuticals Holding AG. This publication may contain certain forward-looking statements concerning the Company and its business. Such statements involve certain risks, uncertainties and other factors which could cause the actual results, financial condition, performance or achievements of the Company to be materially different from those expressed or implied by such statements. Readers should therefore not place undue reliance on these statements, particularly not in connection with any contract or investment decision. The Company disclaims any obligation to update these forward-looking statements. PharmiWeb.com is Europe's leading industry-sponsored portal for the Pharmaceutical sector, providing the latest jobs, news, features and events listings. The information provided on PharmiWeb.com is designed to support, not replace, the relationship that exists between a patient/site visitor and his/her physician.

The new documentary Beyond Elections: Redefining Democracy in the Americas proves that democracy can and should be more than casting a ballot every four years. This empowering film gives hopeful and concrete examples from around the Americas of people taking back the reigns of power and governing their own communities. Beyond Elections is a road map for social change, drawing from communal councils in Venezuela and social movements in Bolivia to participatory budgeting in Brazil and worker cooperatives in Argentina. The film gracefully succeeds in demonstrating that these grassroots examples of people’s power can be applied anywhere. Particularly as activists in the US face the challenges of an Obama administration and an economic crisis, this timely documentary shows that the revolution can start today right in your own living room or neighborhood. In this interview, Michael Fox, Co-Producer of Beyond Elections, talks about how the film was created, what its aims were, and what impact the film has had among viewers in the US. Benjamin Dangl: How did you decide on the focus and message of Beyond Elections? Michael Fox: I’ve been living and working in Latin America for many years, studying and reporting on, above all else, the experiences in participatory democracy — cooperatives, communal councils, participatory budgeting, social movements, community radio, etc. . . . Sílvia (my wife, who grew up in Southern Brazil, and who is also Co-director of the film) and I were living in Venezuela in 2006 when the communal councils law was passed, and local communities all across the country began to come together and take on this new form of organizing. You could see how it was empowering people on an individual and local level. In March of 2007, Sílvia and I found ourselves in Porto Alegre, Brazil — where we now live — at the same time that the 2007 Participatory Budgeting cycle was about to begin. We realized that although there have been many local videos on the experiences of participatory budgeting, cooperatives, social movements and even some on the recently-formed communal councils, there was no documentary film that tried to give both the big and local picture of these new participatory concepts of democracy across the hemisphere. This concept is almost completely absent in the United States, and yet, it is absolutely necessarily for people to understand what is going on across Latin America, and also extremely important for activists and people in the United States to understand the failures of our own system and the lack of participation and input from everyday citizens. We originally planned the film to focus only on participatory democracy, but quickly realized that the only people who would want to see it would be activists that are already doing this type of work. We needed to open it up to the very concept of democracy itself. This was important to us, because time and again in the United States, pundits, elected officials, everyday folks, and even journalists use the word “democracy” as an excuse to de-legitimize extremely democratic groups and governments. They say, “Venezuela is threatening democracy in the region,” and yet depending on your definition, Venezuela is perhaps the most democratic country in the region — much more so than the United States. But these realities are very subtle, and if you have never been to Venezuela, or Brazil, or Bolivia, or Ecuador (or if you go and only stay at the resorts and the upper-class part of town), then you’re never going to know what to believe because the mainstream media is quick to repeat the manipulations. There are some mainstream media that actually call Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez a dictator, despite the fact that during his ten years in office there have been more than a dozen free and fair elections in Venezuela legitimately recognized by international observers from around the world, and that he has always respected the Venezuelan Constitution and the laws. He may be a very charismatic, domineering, and powerful figure, but he’s not a dictator. Then the real question is, “What is democracy?” And that’s where we wanted to focus our attention — giving people the space to tell their stories across the Hemisphere. As the Portuguese Sociologist Boaventura de Sousa Santos says, (and you can find the link to more of his work on our website, www.beyondelections.com), the United States has created a monopoly on the definition of democracy — U.S. style hegemonic representative politics. But Sousa Santos points out that, in reality, democracy is a work in progress. As he says, “democracy without end.” His colleague, Leonardo Avritzer, professor from Brazilian Federal University of Minas Gerais, points out in our film, “What we’ve tried to stress is the idea that democracy is an open concept and the frontiers of democracy are always imprecise. For instance, in the 19th century you could say that it’s democratic to expand suffrage. And that’s true. It was democratic at the end of the 19th century to expand suffrage to women. Or at the beginning of the 20th century it could appear democratic to expand democracy to the countries of the global South. So the question today in the Southern countries is how to think about the democratization of things like the budget, health policies, education policies, urban policies, the democratization of life where you live.” Of course, it’s not always easy. Especially when you are trying to make a film for not one audience, but audiences in various languages all across the Hemisphere. But that’s what we set out to do, and I think we succeeded. BD: Could you talk a bit about the process of making your documentary? MF: This is very important, because we wanted the making of the film to reflect as much as possible the “democracy” that we are trying to portray. We used very little narration — only about two and a half minutes worth — because we wanted people to tell the stories in their own words. We tried not to change the scenery where we were filming. We only used music from local musicians, and tried to only use it when it was part of the scene. It is also a testament to what two people can do without any external resources or really expensive equipment. The entire budget came out of our own pockets and Silvia and I filmed nearly the entire film with our Panasonic 3CCD handycam, and edited it all on our aging G4 Powerbook. Of course, we had more than a half a dozen individuals and groups that supported with b-roll, and either shot for us, or allowed us to use footage they had already filmed in areas that we couldn’t make it to like Ecuador, Bolivia, and the Bay Area. The SF-based musician and sound editor, Ben Bernstein, donated his time to post-produce our audio, which came out great. The Venezuela-based film group, Panafilms was a huge support, as were hundreds of folks all across the region. BD: What was the response among viewers during your tour in the US? MF: We did our tour last fall from mid September straight through till two days before the 2008 Presidential elections. We drove from the East Coast to the West Coast and back, covering our costs with donations from the nearly two-dozen showings all across the U.S. It was an amazing experience. Of course, we were organizing the tour ourselves, so our audiences varied from a couple hundred people at some Universities all the way down to a living room showing with a few people in Oklahoma City. But really, the response was the best we could have hoped for, and both Silvia and I were impressed with the diversity of opinions. Some viewers were struck by the amount of local democracy and participation in Venezuela specifically, especially with the negative press that it gets in the United States. Many viewers were impressed with the democratic experiences, and the fact that people all across the region are all participating in similar ways. Others were shocked because so little of this is happening in the U.S. Others felt the movie really put things into a perspective that they had rarely seen or heard of before. This was the case of one gentleman in the Lower 9th Ward in New Orleans where we showed Beyond Elections with a projector on the side of a building. He said, “Wow, I’ve always known all of this, but I had never understood that everything was connected. I feel like I have a new perspective on things.” Without a doubt, the biggest and only major critique was that it was, and remains, a long documentary — just under two hours, which we’ll keep in mind for our next documentary. The DVD version of the movie is divided into chapters, which can each stand alone, so it can easily be used in university and high school classrooms according to theme. The right hand side of the website www.beyondelections.com has dozens of links to additional information, all also sorted according to the chapter and the theme. We tried to build the film in order to give people an understanding of the realities, and also leave them with a sense of hope. Because these experiences anywhere, be it in Latin America or the United States, in the local government, the community, the office, the school, or the home can only happen if we take the steps to open the democratic spaces of participation. This is the exciting thing about the film and I believe that people could feel it. The film gave people an idea about some of the things that are being done, and some of the things that they can also do. As Sílvia often said in our after-film discussions, “The best thing you can do to support these democratic experiences abroad is to make change in your own communities, attempt to open democracy in your own community.” As a Brazilian, she knows the effect that this can have. In our discussions after nearly all of our showings, we tried to stress this point: how we can open up these democratic experiences in our own lives. After numerous requests, we actually developed a “Beyond Elections Democracy Discussion Guide,” which attempts to help people to do just that, Bring Democracy Home. It is also available to download halfway down the right-hand side of our website, under “Beyond Elections Materials.” Monthly Review Essays Historically, capitalism develops institutions and ideologies that justify surplus extraction and capital accumulation. In the last decades of the twentieth century, the financialization of capitalism initiated a new era of accumulation which is known in academic contexts as finance-capital-driven neoliberalism. Both Sweezy and Dimitrov agree that fascism arises in the middle class and becomes a threat when the bourgeoisie embraces it, but Sweezy’s unique contribution is to demonstrate fascism’s relationship to the postwar transitional period of class equilibrium.

Marie phoned me to request that I send to Lindsay Hamilton, St.Johnstone, 1 pair 036 size 9 and they were sent (No.97). 28th November 1991 10.20 Marie also asked me to send to Nicky Hammond, Swindon, 1 pair 036 size 7.5, and they were sent (No.98). 28th November 1991 11.45 Marie phoned to say that she had forgotten to ask if the 2 pairs of gloves ordered earlier today could be sent today. I told her that they had already been packed. 28th November 1991 2.50 John Burridge, Hibernian, phoned to order some goods and 2 pairs 036 size 9.5 were sent to him (No.99) along with an uhlsport catalogue. He wanted the phone number in Germany which I gave him and he also asked what was new. I told him that Line 7 had seen the new range but that I had not yet seen any of it. I asked him what had happened about the signed gloves and newspaper competitions to win them, and he told me that he had sent off the gloves but had not seen or heard anymore about the competitions. I said that I would try to find out more information. 2nd December 1991 10.25 Marie phoned and asked me to send to Gerry Gallagher of Eurone Management 1 pair 036 size 8.5, 1 pair 040 size 8.5 for Paul Mathers, Dundee, and 1 pair 036 size 8.5, 1 pair 040 size 8.5 for Andy Murdoch. Partick, and they were sent (No.1). I asked Marie if David Spensley was yet available as I had left a message on Thursday, again on Friday, for him to phone me, but had not yet heard from him. She said he was on the phone but would ask him to phone me. 2nd December 1991 4.45 David Spensley called and I asked him about the competitions with John Burridge gloves. He said that he did not think anything had happened yet but Chris Jones was dealing with it. He suggested that if John Burridge really wanted to know he should contact Chris Jones. I asked if he was ready yet to take over promotion goods and he said no, although goods had been ordered from Germany. We then discussed matters in general. 3rd December 1991 Having received a delivery I sent to Theo Snelders, Aberdeen, 1 pair 566 XL (No.2). 3rd December 1991 Having received a delivery I sent to Ludek Miklosko, West Ham, 2 pairs 636 elbow pads Large, 2 pairs 638 knee pads Large (No.3). 3rd December 1991 11.35 John Lukic, Leeds, phoned to see if I could do him a favour. Theo Foley, the manager at Northampton, had asked John for some gloves as Northampton have no money and cannot afford to buy them. I said that this time I would send 2 pairs 073 size 9.5, 1 pair 040 size 9.5 to Theo Foley (No.4) along with details of the special prices scheme. John Lukic was grateful as it enabled him to help his old Arsenal coach Theo Foley. I saw Phil Parkes, coach at QPR, and asked him why Tony Roberts, who had been given uhlsport gloves, wore Reusch in the Zenith Cup match v Crystal Palace. He told me that it was because he had had the uhlsport gloves stolen from the kit room at the ground and only had old Reusch gloves. I said that if he wanted more gloves I needed back the signed 2 year goods only contract, and Phil told me that he would pass it on to Tony Roberts. 10th December 1991 10.15 Pat Jennings, ex Northern Ireland goalkeeper, who still wears uhlsport in the charity matches he plays arouind the world, phoned to ask about gloves for his son. He said that he would pay but I said that I would send them free of charge, and 1 pair 019 size 8, 1 only 010 glove bag were sent to him (No.6). 11th December 1991 4.00 Jochen phoned to ask me what "SHUT OUTS" mean as he had rceived a contract offer from Line 7 regarding Andy Goram, Rangers. I said that it was when he did not concede a goal in a game. He then asked me in general about Andy Goram and I said that he was very much the first choice for Scotland and he had played in every qualifying game for the European Championships in Sweden, and seemed likely to be first choice for Scotland in Sweden. However, I pointed out that he had previously been under contract with uhlsport, arranged by Readers, and there was a problem about the length of his contract. The contract he signed was dated 5th November 1986 and valid for 3 years meaning that it expired in November 1989, was later claimed by Goram to have been signed over a year earlier than it was dated, and in 1988 he changed to Sondico although the written evidence showed he was still under contract to uhlsport. The contract was for £xx , paid in full when the contract was dated and signed. Jochen said that the contract offer was complicated and I warned him to be very careful as playing for Glasgow Rangers, Scotland's most successfull club, they were likely to win most competitions they entered, meaning that uhlsport may have to pay out a lot in bonus's the way the contract is set out. I said that I would do some research and let him know the details. 12th December 1991 9.00-9.05 I phoned Jochen to give him details on Andy Goram including that at the half way stage of this season, 22 League games, he had conceeded 18 goals and had kept 11 "SHUT OUTS". I said that I would put down the information in writing and send it to him with the magazines. 12th December 1991 I bought and sent to Jochen this weeks issues of "Shoot" and "Match". 12th December 1991 1.00 Alan Knight, Portsmouth, phoned for some goods and 2 pairs 036 size 9.5, 2 pairs 040 size 9.5 were sent to him (No.7)

George Vierra Winemaking Monday, June 27, 2011 Get out of the Office and Into the Street When Multicultural is the Culture June 23, 2011 The 2010 Census confirmed something Nielsen has been noting for some time: multicultural consumers are rapidly becoming the majority in the United States and their buying power is significant. Understanding their purchasing and media habits is the next big challenge/opportunity facing marketers and brands today. Taking a deep dive into data and trends within the African American, Asian American and Hispanic communities, Nielsen’s Claudia Pardo laid out compelling statistics and a demographic framework shaping the future. It’s clear that marketers and brands will be forced to rethink their perspective — and their share of spend — when it comes to multicultural groups. “Can anyone in the room honestly say they’re doing everything they can to satisfy the consumption needs of this population?” Pardo asked attendees. “The demographic growth of these groups is simply becoming too great to ignore.” The good news, noted Pardo, is that multicultural groups are actually more loyal to brands and there’s an opportunity to win a consumer for life. In the past multiculturalism was talked about as a melting pot, but it’s really more like a salad bowl where each group stands out and is different in the way they value their culture and traditions. Pardo offered examples of notable distinctions in the way these diverse groups shop and consume media. BUYINGHispanics Spend the most per trip and annually Shop less often, usually with family Blacks/African Americans Shop more frequently than any other ethnicity The most brand loyal; fewer purchases of private label Asian Americans Most likely group to compare prices and shop online Frequent fewer super centers, dollar stores or convenience stores WATCHING Daily Total household TV usage by Race and Origin Hispanics: 4hrs 35min Blacks/African Americans: 7hrs 12min Asian Americans: 3hrs 14min National Average: 5hrs 11min Pardo noted that understanding these and other details (such as understanding that multicultural consumers are actually ahead of the curve when it comes to mobile phone adoption, understanding their different TV viewing and online browsing habits, or ensuring that ethnicities are portrayed more often and more appropriately in ads) is key to seizing the massive market opportunity ahead. “The story here is that within the next five years, multicultural clients will drive 86 percent of the total growth on spending in retail,” Pardo highlighted. “If you look at growth without these groups, you are only addressing 10 percent of the growth.” Pardo suggested a number of key questions organizations should ask before embarking on an effective multi-cultural strategy: What is your share of the multi-cultural market? Do you know this consumer better than your peers? Are you fishing where the fish are? Do you have the depth of consumer insight to ensure you deploy the most effective marketing mix? Is your advertising culturally relevant? Is your organization ready? Are you investing in the right structures and incentives to ensure multi-culturalism remains top of mind? A panel discussion with Roberto Ruiz of Univision, Idaliz Chacon of Procter & Gamble, Angela Joyner of ConAgra Foods and Bill Imada of IW Group followed the presentation and generated the following guidance for organizations looking to engage in effective multicultural strategies: Create Internal Champions: From creating a Center of Excellence for multicultural marketing, through tracking success via executive scorecards, all panelists agreed that a multi-cultural approach must be a top-down business imperative to avoid a transient, “flavor of the month” approach to engagement. Scale Your Investment: Bill Imada advised participants to “start small, get some wings, build confidence and go from there.” He maintained that many companies do not exploit what they already know and have in their historic “corporate inventory.” He advised participants to find which current product lines make the most sense in multi-cultural markets, to pick just one of the population segments with the biggest opportunity and build as much cultural learning and competency as possible before roll-out to other populations as part of an organic growth strategy. Idaliz Chacon said it was important to understand the “size of the prize” to build product category and right-size the investment. To close share gaps faster, she indicated that companies should “invest to win,” even disproportionately if necessary. This view was shared by Angela Joyner who stated that trying to drive brand penetration into new markets would potentially require substantial investment as part of a five year strategy to build brand presence and advocacy. Don’t over-segment: For an effective segmentation strategy, all panelists agreed that it was more important to look for similarities than differences among the focus population and that over-segmentation would decrease the opportunity. Roberto Ruiz stated that the key to effective segmentation is “actionability” and that the nuance of “bi-culturalism” of individuals, for instance being “dominant Hispanic,” while “fascinating,” was completely “worthless” as a segmentation consideration on the basis that people tend to be entirely immersed in both aspects of their culture. Get out of the Office and Into the Street: “Consumer immersion” was considered the most powerful way to energize a company’s multi-cultural strategy and summarized as “the power of being there and seeing what’s going on.” Leveraging employee ethnic groups within organizations was viewed as a unique asset companies could deploy to generate proprietary insight and delight and win with diverse consumers.

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As Seen in Vanity Fair's August 2006 Issue! As Seen in US News & World Report's September 11 Fifth Anniversary Issue! As Seen in Time Magazine's September 11, 2006 Issue! As Seen in Phoenix New Times' August 9, 2007 Issue! Yet another poor "reaching" post. I'm beginning to thing you guys can't actually understand what you read taking quotes and ideas out of context like that. No wonder you think Osama pulled this thing off. You're brain has been turd to mush by the Zionist propaganda mainstream mechanism. Beleiving in Israel is like beleiving in a chair. It's there, it exists, what more is there to say? Why exactly do you feel a need to assign them a name? What's next, calling people who beleive in America "Americanists"? What would you call people who beleive in Palestine? Palestinianists? It wouldn't surprise me at all if there were more christian "zionists" than jewish "zionists". there's certainly more christians in the world than there are jews, and the majority of those christians are reasonable people. They're not going to deny the existance of a country which has been around since the 1940's. That you are a Zionist or have been conned to accept that satanic movement. Satanic? Are we getting religious now? ISRAEL EXISTS AS A COUNTRY. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Jews bought the land, and eventually a narrow strip was given to them by the UN. The land had been abandoned and nobody wanted it till those damn JOOOS came. Last Saturday morning there was a C-span call-in with an Israeli journalist and a Palestinian journalist. The Palestinian journalist stated this and the Israeli journalist made no attempt to object or correct: When the UN partitioned Palestine in 1948, it gave 55% of the land to the Jewish state and 45% of the land to the Arabs, even though, at the time, Jews owned only 10% of the land. So he didn't object, so what? It certainly doesn't make it true. When Israel was created, there was no such thing as Palestine. In addition to that, something like 90% of the land falling under the Brittish mandate went into creating trans-Jordan, which was specificaly intended as an Arab homeland. I don't see you complaining about all the Jews who were displaced from that area. Finaly, the question of land ownership is irrelevant. The UN mandate was passed by some 33 nations. It became binding at that point. Even if it didn't not have the authority of the UN behind it, the Arabs gave up whatever claims they may have made when they attempted to anhilliate Israel militarily. If they had continued to neogtiate diplomaticaly, perhaps they could claim the moral high ground. As it is, they tried to kill off the Jews, they got their asses kicked, and they lost whatever moral superiority they may have had. If the UN came in here and partitioned off 55% (or even 5%) of our country to give it to some ethnic group, I would hope there'd be some Americans who'd stand up and fight. The British were a colonial power ruling over land they had no right to. The proof is in the pudding and the indigenous people have suffered greatly from the League of Nations giving a "mandate" over Palestine to the British. They scrambled planes over New York too. They just got there about 10 minutes too late to do anything. Even if they did get there before impact, what could they have done? Does ANYONE really think that even after the first impact, the Air Force would shoot down commercial airlners over populated areas? Seriously? Could you imagine what the CTers would be doing with that if say after the first hit, the remaining 3 planes were shot down? They'd be screaming that the planes weren't even hijacked and the government shot down planes that posed no threat... Oh, wait, nevermind. If the UN came in here and partitioned off 55% (or even 5%) of our country to give it to some ethnic group, I would hope there'd be some Americans who'd stand up and fight. That's not exactly how it happened little girl... You see, before we even had that tragedy called the Holocaust, Jewish folks had been buying up land in a pretty much useless, abadoned strip of land. When the UN created Israel it didn't suddenly take away Palestinian land (as there were no "Palestinians" at the time), it just gave sovereignty to the area that had been bought up and no one wanted but the Jews. Arabs started moving back after infrastructure had been built up. The British were a colonial power ruling over land they had no right to. The Ottomans lost a war and European powers took control of the area. The proof is in the pudding and the indigenous people have suffered greatly from the League of Nations giving a "mandate" over Palestine to the British. The indigenous people were called Jews (but I digress). I assume you mean the occupants just before Israel was created. Well, as I stated before, the "Palestinians" kept their land (Egypt gobbled up a bit, Jordan some, and Syria the rest). Technically speaking, the creation of Jordan was the creation of the Arab Palestinian nation.

The Hottest NBA Trade Rumors provided daily Blazers preparing offer for Utah's Paul Millsap After a series of trades fell through this week, the Trail Blazers have settled on their next target: Utah power forward Paul Millsap. Although Millsap is a restricted free agent, meaning the Jazz can match any offer, the Blazers are preparing what one source called a "toxic" offer designed to exterminate interest from other teams. Millsap, 24, is a bruising and active player who excels at rebounding. Despite being only 6-foot-8, Millsap last season used his 250-pound frame to average 13.5 points and 8.6 rebounds in 30.1 minutes per game. His 3.3 offensive rebounds per game ranked fourth in the NBA and his 251 offensive rebounds ranked sixth. If Millsap signs an offer sheet accepting the Blazers’ deal, Utah will have seven days to match the offer. The Jazz is already facing the luxury tax next season with a team salary of more than $73 million. Their finances, and prospects of competing with a lucrative offer to Millsap, took a hit last week when Carlos Boozer ($12.6 million), Mehmet Okur ($9 million) and Kyle Korver ($5.1 million) all exercised options to stay in Utah. The Blazers figure to exhaust nearly all of their cap space to lock up Millsap. They are $7.7 million under the cap, but can gain an additional $1.65 million by renouncing the rights to Petteri Koponen and Joel Freeland. However, in the process, the Blazers would be assessed with a roughly $450,000 cap hold for having less than 11 players, thus giving them $8.9 million in cap space. “2015-04-01_19-33-57_ILCE-6000_5372_DxO” (CC BY-SA 2.0) by miguel.discart The Los Angeles Lakers are in a spot of bother: Iconic shooting guard Kobe Bryant, who played for the Lakers for the entirety of Read More »

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Meade incinerator plan criticized Officials decry environmental impact of sewage-burning plant February 07, 2007|By Phillip McGowan | Phillip McGowan,sun reporter Fort Meade is proposing to build a sewage sludge incinerator, a prospect that has drawn outrage among western Anne Arundel County civic leaders and criticism from the county's top health official about the potential environmental and health impacts. The Maryland Department of the Environment is holding a public hearing tonight in Odenton to discuss plans by a Tennessee contractor, Ameresco Federal Solutions, to build the incinerator near the Army post's sewage plant adjacent to the intersection of Routes 32 and 198. The incinerator would run 24 hours a day on weekdays, disposing of hundreds of tons of sewage a year more cheaply than by trucking the waste away, county and Fort Meade officials said. MDE spokesman Robert Ballinger declined to disclose details about the incinerator and did not return a phone call yesterday seeking comment. Ameresco Federal Solutions did not reply to an e-mail request for information. County health officials said that MDE has issued a tentative approval for the incinerator, but a Fort Meade spokeswoman, Summer Barkley, said yesterday in an e-mail that the post will not make a decision about the project for at least six months. She said a series of improvements being made at the post's sewage treatment plant might reduce the volume of sludge. Civic leaders from Russett, Maryland City and Odenton said they learned of the scheduled public hearing Monday. Members of the Restoration Advisory Board, a group of residents and regulators overseeing Fort Meade's Superfund environmental cleanup, learned of the proposal when contacted yesterday by The Sun. "I thought we were past the point of the base trying to sneak things through," said Zoe B. Draughon, co-chairwoman of the Restoration Advisory Board. "I am obviously mistaken." Barkley referred questions about the timing of the public hearing to MDE. There are about 170 sewage sludge incinerators in the United States, according to the Environmental Protection Agency. The facilities heat the waste to more than 1,500 degrees, turning solid waste into ash, and producing electricity. The Sun reported last summer that the demand for electricity to operate expanding intelligence systems at the National Security Agency, which has its headquarters at Fort Meade, has left the high-tech eavesdropping agency on the verge of exceeding its power supply. Activists questioned the placement of an incinerator at the nexus of impending growth expected to sweep over western Anne Arundel. An estimated 20,000 defense workers are expected to settle at Fort Meade over the next four years, a movement that will spawn billions of dollars of residential and office development from Hanover to Laurel and Odenton. "This is ridiculous," said Ray Smallwood, president of the Maryland City Civic Association. "This is something that needs a lot of study. Haven't they thought about the environmental impact?" Smallwood added: "I can't believe they had the audacity to do this." Several activists called on MDE to schedule a second hearing to allow for broader public comment. According to an advance copy of county Health Officer Frances B. Phillips's testimony to be read tonight, she criticizes MDE for not adequately advertising the hearing on the proposed incinerator. Phillips also raises concerns that an incinerator -- which would emit mercury sulfur, nitrogen oxide, carbon monoxide and lead -- could lead to declining air quality and pollute groundwater. She also points out that there are six public schools on the base, with a combined enrollment of more than 2,000. At least 169 students are known to have asthma, she says. County Councilman G. James "Jamie" Benoit, a Piney Orchard Democrat, decried the incinerator's potential health effect on those children. He is delivering a letter to MDE to voice his displeasure with the project. David A. Tibbetts, vice president of the Greater Odenton Improvement Association and the organization's environmental chairman, said the county has one of the highest ozone levels in the country. "And now we are going to add another source of ozone" Tibbetts said. "It just doesn't make any sense." Phillips in her testimony questions assertions by MDE that incinerator emissions would not exceed air-quality standards set by the EPA. County officials note that MDE does not monitor air quality at Fort Meade. She also noted that at a meeting at MDE headquarters Jan. 31, state officials said that "the combustion process itself generally does not produce odors, but that stored sludge awaiting burning is often a source of noxious odor." phill.mcgowan@baltsun.com The hearing is to begin at 7 p.m. at the West County Area Library, 1325 Annapolis Road.

Q: How can I use a datepicker to set a reminder on a specific date? I have a datepicker which can be used to pick a date and set it to a edittext. how can i set a reminder on the date ?. The program for setting a edittext from the date picker is given below: import android.app.DatePickerDialog; import android.content.DialogInterface; import android.support.v7.app.AppCompatActivity; import android.os.Bundle; import android.view.View; import android.widget.DatePicker; import android.widget.EditText; import java.text.SimpleDateFormat; import java.util.Calendar; import java.util.Date; import java.util.Locale; public class MainActivity extends AppCompatActivity { Calendar myCalendar= Calendar.getInstance(); private EditText et; @Override protected void onCreate(Bundle savedInstanceState) { super.onCreate(savedInstanceState); setContentView(R.layout.activity_main); et =(EditText)findViewById(R.id.editText3); } DatePickerDialog.OnDateSetListener date =new DatePickerDialog.OnDateSetListener(){ @Override public void onDateSet(DatePicker view, int year, int monthOfYear, int dayOfMonth) { // TODO Auto-generated method stub myCalendar.set(Calendar.YEAR, year); myCalendar.set(Calendar.MONTH, monthOfYear); myCalendar.set(Calendar.DAY_OF_MONTH, dayOfMonth); updateLabel(); } }; public void onClick(View v) { // TODO Auto-generated method stub new DatePickerDialog(MainActivity.this, date, myCalendar .get(Calendar.YEAR), myCalendar.get(Calendar.MONTH), myCalendar.get(Calendar.DAY_OF_MONTH)).show(); } private void updateLabel() { String myFormat = "MM/dd/yy"; //In which you need put here SimpleDateFormat sdf = new SimpleDateFormat(myFormat, Locale.US); et.setText(sdf.format(myCalendar.getTime())); } } A: Try this: private void setAlarm(Calendar target){ Intent intent = new Intent(getBaseContext(), AlarmReceiver.class); PendingIntent pendingIntent = PendingIntent.getBroadcast(getBaseContext(), 1, intent, 0); AlarmManager alarmManager = (AlarmManager)getSystemService(Context.ALARM_SERVICE); alarmManager.set(AlarmManager.RTC_WAKEUP, target.getTimeInMillis(), pendingIntent); } Let me know if it helped you. UPDATE: And alarmReciever must be something like this: public class AlarmReceiver extends BroadcastReceiver { @Override public void onReceive(Context context, Intent intent) { Toast.makeText(context, "AlarmReceiver.onReceive()", Toast.LENGTH_LONG).show(); } } And add it to your manifest.xml inside the application tag: <receiver android:name=".AlarmReceiver" android:process=":remote" />

Details The new Gameness Flex Board Shorts are the next generation of fight short that combines the comfort of a board short and the toughness of an MMA short. Each pair of shorts is constructed with an advanced 4-Way HyperFlex fabric that makes these shorts ultra-light and moisture wicking. The Gameness Flex Board Shorts feature a 4” side slit for increased mobility, and an MMA inspired Hook & Loop closure with a draw string to ensure the perfect fit.

Graduate of Virginia School of Massage - 637 hour professional course. Skilled in orthopedic massage testing of patients to a ccess and treat with the intent to return them to daily function. Specialize in treating injures and pain... Welcome to my Website! If you’re looking for a professional clinical orthopedic massage therapist, you’ve come to the right place. Hi, my name is Peter Juergensen, NCLMT, CKTP and my goal is to return the client to their fully functional life in the shortest amount of time. I’ m a Nationally Certified State Licensed massage therapist serving Berkeley, Jefferson, and Morgan Counties of West Virginia. I’m licensed in the states of West Virginia and Virginia, and have an office location at 295 Rock Cliff Drive, Martinsburg West Virginia, 25401-2835. Request an appointment with me today by clicking on the "Request a Session" page. I will call you to confirm the details of your appointment, and also answer any questions you might have.

Q: What's wrong with using sudo? In a comment here I've been told that unnecessarily using sudo should be avoided. While it wasn't needed in that particular case, I don't see any harm in using it. I think that when executing trivial programs like cat as root using sudo, the overall risk of hitting a bug that would somehow compromise system security is very low. So can someone please point out the possible implications, besides typing 4 more characters and a space? A: The risk of a typo is more than the risk of a bug. The risk of gaining a habit of "it doesn't work, stick sudo on it!" is much higher than the risk of a bug. As a sysadmin who's seen people execute all sorts of random commands with sudo that didn't need them, I always caution against superfluous usage of sudo. While cat isn't harmful, the habit that this encourages is. A: I think there is another issue not yet mentioned: sudo status is cached for the shell with a default of 15 minutes. This means you don't have to provide your password in the next 15 minutes in order to execute a potentially dangerous command. I think we all can think of more or less likely security issues that could result from that: Unknown software bugs that exploit this or forgetting to lock the screen with random people or co-workers around come to mind. This is indeed my primary reason for not using sudo when I don't have to and even if I have to, for frequently closing shells after I'm done with sudo work. A: Using sudo excessively is the Linux equivalent of the old Windows habit of running everything under the Administrator account. That one has been discussed and criticized to hell and back, so you can read everything that talks about why a person should not be running their Windows computer as an Administrator, and every single point will apply to habitual use of sudo on Linux.

/* * TupleTypeUtil.java * * This source file is part of the FoundationDB open source project * * Copyright 2015-2019 Apple Inc. and the FoundationDB project authors * * Licensed under the Apache License, Version 2.0 (the "License"); * you may not use this file except in compliance with the License. * You may obtain a copy of the License at * * http://www.apache.org/licenses/LICENSE-2.0 * * Unless required by applicable law or agreed to in writing, software * distributed under the License is distributed on an "AS IS" BASIS, * WITHOUT WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF ANY KIND, either express or implied. * See the License for the specific language governing permissions and * limitations under the License. */ package com.apple.foundationdb.record.metadata; import com.apple.foundationdb.record.provider.foundationdb.FDBRecordVersion; import com.apple.foundationdb.tuple.Tuple; import com.google.protobuf.ByteString; import com.google.protobuf.Descriptors; import com.google.protobuf.ProtocolMessageEnum; import javax.annotation.Nonnull; import javax.annotation.Nullable; import java.math.BigInteger; import java.util.ArrayList; import java.util.List; /** * Utility class for dealing with {@link Tuple} types. In theory, these methods should live in * {@link com.apple.foundationdb.tuple.TupleHelpers TupleHelpers} except that they use some Protobuf specific things * like the {@link ByteString} class, and {@code TupleHelpers} is defined in the * <a href="https://javadoc.io/doc/org.foundationdb/fdb-extensions/">fdb-extensions</a> sub-project * which does not (and probably should not) take Protobuf as a dependency. */ class TupleTypeUtil { @Nonnull private static final BigInteger BIG_INT_MAX_LONG = BigInteger.valueOf(Long.MAX_VALUE); @Nonnull private static final BigInteger BIG_INT_MIN_LONG = BigInteger.valueOf(Long.MIN_VALUE); /** * Normalize a list of values so that it can be checked for equality with other lists sharing * the same {@link Tuple} representation. In other words, it should be the case that: * * <pre> {@code * toTupleEquivalentValue(list1).equals(toTupleEquivalentValue) * == Arrays.equals(Tuple.fromList(toTupleAppropriateList(list1)).pack(), Tuple.fromList(toTupleAppropriateList(list2)).pack()) * }</pre> * * <p> * for any two lists {@code list1} and {@code list2}. * </p> * * @param values the list of values to normalized * @return a new list containing the normalized elements of {@code values} */ @Nonnull static List<Object> toTupleEquivalentList(@Nonnull List<?> values) { List<Object> tupleEquivalentList = new ArrayList<>(values.size()); for (Object o : values) { tupleEquivalentList.add(toTupleEquivalentValue(o)); } return tupleEquivalentList; } /** * Normalize a value so that it compares equal to anything with the same {@link Tuple} representation. * The value that is returned cannot necessarily be packed by a {@code Tuple} (for example, * a <code>byte[]</code> is returned as a {@link ByteString}), but it does implement {@link Object#equals(Object)} * and {@link Object#hashCode()}, so the value can be used in hash-based data structures like * {@link java.util.HashSet HashSet}s and {@link java.util.HashMap HashMap}s. In other words, it should * bethe case that: * * <pre> {@code * Objects.equals(toTupleEquivalentValue(value1), toTupleEquivalentValue(value2)) * == Arrays.equals(Tuple.from(value1).pack(), Tuple.from(value2).pack()) * }</pre> * * <p> * for any two values {@code value1} and {@code value2}. * </p> * * <p> * This will only return {@code null} if {@link #toTupleAppropriateValue(Object)} would return {@code null} * on the same input. If the object is already in * </p> * * @param obj the value to normalize * @return a value that has the same representation when {@link Tuple}-encoded */ @Nullable static Object toTupleEquivalentValue(@Nullable Object obj) { if (obj == null || obj instanceof Key.Evaluated.NullStandin) { return null; } else if (obj instanceof List<?>) { List<?> list = (List<?>)obj; return toTupleEquivalentList(list); } else if (obj instanceof Tuple) { return toTupleEquivalentList(((Tuple)obj).getItems()); } else if (obj instanceof byte[]) { return ByteString.copyFrom((byte[]) obj); } else if ((obj instanceof Byte) || (obj instanceof Short) || (obj instanceof Integer)) { return ((Number)obj).longValue(); } else if (obj instanceof BigInteger) { BigInteger bigInt = (BigInteger)obj; if (bigInt.compareTo(BIG_INT_MIN_LONG) > 0 && bigInt.compareTo(BIG_INT_MAX_LONG) < 0) { return bigInt.longValue(); } else { return bigInt; } } else if (obj instanceof ProtocolMessageEnum) { return (long)((ProtocolMessageEnum)obj).getNumber(); } else if (obj instanceof Descriptors.EnumValueDescriptor) { return (long)((Descriptors.EnumValueDescriptor)obj).getNumber(); } else if (obj instanceof FDBRecordVersion) { return ((FDBRecordVersion)obj).toVersionstamp(false); } else { return obj; } } /** * Convert a list of values into items that can all be stored within a {@link Tuple}. * * @param values a list of values * @return a new list with {@link Tuple}-encodable versions of the elements of {@code values} */ @Nonnull static List<Object> toTupleAppropriateList(@Nonnull List<?> values) { List<Object> tupleAppropriateList = new ArrayList<>(values.size()); for (Object o : values) { tupleAppropriateList.add(toTupleAppropriateValue(o)); } return tupleAppropriateList; } /** * Convert a value into a type that can be stored within a {@link Tuple}. * * @param obj the value to convert * @return the value converted to some {@link Tuple}-encodable type */ @Nullable static Object toTupleAppropriateValue(@Nullable Object obj) { if (obj instanceof Key.Evaluated.NullStandin) { return null; } else if (obj instanceof ByteString) { return ((ByteString) obj).toByteArray(); } else if (obj instanceof List) { return toTupleAppropriateList((List<?>) obj); // Following two are both Internal.EnumLite, so could use that, too. } else if (obj instanceof ProtocolMessageEnum) { return ((ProtocolMessageEnum) obj).getNumber(); } else if (obj instanceof Descriptors.EnumValueDescriptor) { return ((Descriptors.EnumValueDescriptor) obj).getNumber(); } else if (obj instanceof FDBRecordVersion) { return ((FDBRecordVersion) obj).toVersionstamp(false); } else { return obj; } } private TupleTypeUtil() { } }

If, like many of the Badger team, you first discovered F1 during the nineties, the entry list for this year’s Le Mans 24 Hours makes rather nostalgic reading. Consider names like Jean Christophe Bullion, who enjoyed a brief and unspectacular 11 race stint at Sauber in 1995; the entirely forgetable Shinji Nakano; and Christophe Bouchet, a man confirmed as an F1 driver who never got the chance to start a grand prix. They’re names you’d forgotten, careers you thought had ended but continue in the sportscar world. Add to that list a pair of grand prix winners, a Champ Car title-winner turned F1 flop and BBC Radio 5Live’s diminutive driver-cum-commentator and you’ve got a pretty interesting list of former F1 men on the entry list for this year’s enduro classic, and here we’re naming the whole bunch. The #7 Peugeot – probably the favourite to claim outright victory – is made up entirely of former F1 drivers, so what better place to start than with the French marque’s entry. Alright, they’re weren’t particularly successful F1 drivers, but they were grand prix driver none the less. Two-time F1 podium finisher Alex Wurz is effectively leader of the three man squad, the cheery Austrian combining his sportscar commitments with an increasingly prominent role at the FIA (he’ll be president one day and you heard it on Badger first). Alex is joined by former Minardi and Williams man Marc Gene and one-time Super Aguri racer Anthony Davidson in the #7 machine. Nothing less than the win will do for these boys. In the #8 Peugeot we have another ex-grand prix driver Stephane Sarazzin. Don’t remember the lad? We wouldn’t blame you: he started just one race, in a Minardi, at the Brazilian Grand Prix of 1999. Then seen as an F1 racer of the future, Sarazzin was subbing for the injured Luca Badoer at Interlagos, and actually qualified rather well, taking 17th on the grid and thus out-doing his team-mate – which, funnily enough, was the aforementioned Gene. However Sarazzin would exit his one and only race in spectacular fashion – see the video below for proof. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKkwT_4TMVg Spinning Steph is joined by Franck Montagny, who ran seven races for Super Aguri in 2006 after they’d fired the slow-and-dangerous Yuji Ide but before they’d hired the just-plain-slow Sakon Yamamoto. Franck was better than both but, unfortunately, he isn’t Japanese. A talented all-rounder, he has raced Champ Cars, Indycar, Superleague and sportscars since his brief F1 stint. Former F3000 front-runner Nicolas Minassian completes the line-up There are two more ex-F1 drivers in the #9 Peugeot, with Le Mans native Sebastien Bourdais and Pedro Lamy – who had stints with Team Lotus and Minardi in the mid-nineties – completing the French marque’s factory effort. On to the Audi team, who have just one former F1 man in their ranks: Scotsman Allan McNish. Nishy is a two-time Le Mans winner, having triumphed aboard a Porsche in 1998 and then in an Audi ten years later, and will likely be in the running again this year. The fact he shares his #3 machine with eight-time Le Mans winner and all-round endurance racing god Tom Kristensen should help. We’ve a pair of Frenchmen to tell you about now. First up is Olivier Panis, who (effectively) leads the #10 Oreca car’s line-up. The 1996 Monaco Grand Prix winner making his fourth appearance at Le Circuit de Sarthe in 2011 and will look to better his best finish of fifth, achieved in 2009. Jean-Christophe Bullion meanwhile will drive the #13 Rebellion Racing entry. The Frenchman drove the majority of the 1995 season for Sauber, scoring a best finish of fifth in Germany, before handing his seat back to Karl Wendlinger, whose place he had taken following the Austrian’s severe injuries at the previous year’s Monaco Grand Prix. Bullion never returned to F1. He’s not quite French, but Olivier Beretta is near enough that we’ve lumped him in with Panis and Bullion. In fact Olivier was the third (and to date last) Monaco-born F1 driver, contesting the first ten races of the 1994 campaign for French squad Larrousse before getting le boot. Veteran Jan Lammers meanwhile will participate in the #5 Hope Racing entry. Competing in F1 mainly between 1979 and 1982, the Dutchman holds the record for the longest gap between starting two grand prix, having been absent from the sport for a full decade before contesting the final two races of the 1992 campaign for the ailing March team. Ultimately he never scored a point and failed to qualify on 18 occasions. Still, there’s always Hope (get it?) Christian Klien is the most recent F1 departee contesting Le Mans this year, having raced sporadically for Hispania last season and now competing for Aston Martin at the Circuit de la Sarthe. The 28-year-old Austrian will be behind the wheel of the British marque’s #007 machine, teamed with Brit Darren Turner and Germany’s Stefan Mucke. Thiago Monteiro is one of the men set to pilot the #15 OAK LMP1 machine. Monteiro drove for Jordan in 2005, landing a podium at the infamous U.S Grand Prix that year, and stayed on as the team became Midland in ’06. He has since raced in the World Touring Car Championship, part-owns the Ocean GP2 team and oversees the career of young countryman Antonio Felix ad Costa. The #49 OAK LMP2 entry meanwhile counts former Prost and Minardi rent-a-driver Shinji Nakano among its pilots. And here’s one for you geeks: Christophe Bouchet, one of the drivers set to run in the #33 Level Five Motorsport entry, never started a grand prix, But, he was named at French minnows Larrouse for the ’95 campaign, only for the team to fold before he’d had a chance to even qualify. You have been hit with the stick of knowledge. The most successful F1 driver in the field is Giancarlo Fisichella, three times a race winner for Jordan and Renault. The Italian will compete in the #51 AF Corse Ferrari, the favourite to win the GT class. Victory at last month’s 1000km of Spa cemented that tag, and Fisi’s pursuit of victory is aided no end by another F1 driver – and GT specialist – in the shape of Gianmaria Bruni. The Italian drove for Minardi during the 2004 campaign, taking a best result of 14th at the Malaysian, European and Hungarian Grand Prix. His post-F1 record is far better: three times a GP2 race winner between 2005 and 2006, he has since finished as runner-up in the 2007 FIA World GT championship and won the GT class at Le Mans in 2008. Finally we’ve got Jan Magnussen, who also competes in the GT class. The Dane ran one race for McLaren in 1995 before landing a full-time ride with Stewart Grand Prix in 1997. His time there was no happy however, and he was given the boot mid-way through 1998 – the same weekend he scored his maiden F1 points. Jan will drive the #74 Corvette at the Circuit de la Sarthe. Reasons to like… Le Mans A Guide to life at Le Mans BadgerGP.com is not affiliated with Formula 1, Formula One Management (FOM), Formula One Administration (FOA), or any other subsidiary associated with the official Formula One governing organisations or their shareholders. Efforts have been made to acknowledge credits wherever necessary, however, if you are the copyright holder and believe your material has been used unfairly, please contact us

The government has defended itself as new figures confirm almost 200,000 houses remain empty around the country during a homelessness crisis. In the Dail, Labour leader Brendan Howlin accused Fine Gael of "pulling rubber levers" which were having no effect on opening up more homes to families in chronic need. Homelessness is the "crushing issue of our time" and the minority government's lack of progress in tackling it is causing alarm, he said. "We can't in good conscience allow a situation to stand where there are 27 vacant homes for every person in emergency accommodation," Mr Howlin said. "We need to identify them - why are they vacant? Can we bring them back (into use)? Can we incentivise those who own them to bring them back? "That is the sort of concrete measures we need." Earlier, homelessness charity Simon Communities said 198,358 homes lie empty in Ireland. There are currently 7,167 men, women and children languishing in emergency accommodation, many without proper facilities to even cook a family meal. The latest figures show almost 13% of Ireland's total housing stock is unoccupied - twice normal levels in other countries. Jobs Minister Richard Bruton defended the government's record, saying "very active work" was ongoing to build more houses and bring more empty homes back into use. "No one in government denies we have a very serious problem in housing and a huge effort is being focused against strict timelines on action in this area and we are open to other suggestions as well," he told the Dail. Mr Bruton said a vacant housing register should be up and running "within weeks" while a series of initiatives aimed at building thousands of new social housing units are either under way or in the pipeline. But Simon Communities said the status quo is unacceptable. It released figures which show: In Cork there are 269 adults living in emergency accommodation, while there are 21,287 empty homes. In Dublin, there are 3,247 adults in emergency accommodation and 35,293 empty homes. In Limerick there are 252 adults living in emergency accommodation and 8,463 empty homes. Niamh Randall, spokeswoman for the charity, said it was "shocking" there are so many people without homes and, at the same time, so many homes without people. "The use of Compulsory Purchase Orders and the introduction of Compulsory Leasing Orders (CLOs) should be considered given the devastating scale of the housing and homeless crisis," she said. "CLOs would enable local authorities to seek permission to force a lease on the owner of an empty property and then undertake refurbishment costs to make the property ready for letting. "The property could then be used as social housing and the rent paid could potentially be used to offset the cost of refurbishment."

Kralingse Zoom metro station Kralingse Zoom is a subway station on lines A, B, and C of the Rotterdam Metro, in the Kralingen neighbourhood of eastern Rotterdam. The station is located just west of the A16 motorway on the east side of Kralingse Zoom, the road it is named after. At Kralingse Zoom station, transfer is available to several bus lines, as well as to the ParkShuttle, a people mover to a nearby business district. Kralingse Zoom is an above-ground station and is located just to the east of the metro tunnel in which the trains cross the city center. The station has two centre platforms, each with two tracks running alongside them. For most of the day, only the inner two tracks are used. Kralingse Zoom is the metro stop to get to the Erasmus University and to the University of Applied Sciences (Economic Studies). References External links www.eur.nl www.hr.nl Category:Rotterdam Metro

Javier Hernández Carrera Javier "Javi" Hernández Carrera (born 2 May 1998) is a Spanish footballer who plays for Real Madrid Castilla as either a central defender or a left back. Club career Born in Jerez de la Frontera, Cádiz, Andalusia, Hernández joined Real Madrid's youth setup in 2013, from Sevilla FC. On 17 July 2017, after finishing his formation, he was loaned to Segunda División B side CD El Ejido, for one year. Hernández made his senior debut on 27 August 2017, starting and scoring his team's first in a 3–3 home draw against FC Cartagena. He finished the campaign as an undisputed starter, contributing with two goals in 33 matches. On 13 July 2018, Hernández was loaned to Real Oviedo Vetusta also in the third division, until the end of the season. He made his first-team debut on 11 September, starting in a 0–1 away loss against RCD Mallorca for the season's Copa del Rey. Hernández scored his first professional goal on 7 January 2019, netting the opener in a 3–2 away win against CD Numancia for the Segunda División championship. References External links Real Madrid profile Category:1998 births Category:Living people Category:Sportspeople from Jerez de la Frontera Category:Spanish footballers Category:Andalusian footballers Category:Association football defenders Category:Segunda División players Category:Segunda División B players Category:Real Madrid Castilla footballers Category:Real Oviedo Vetusta players Category:Real Oviedo players

About the Program Faculty (including research faculty) participating in the program receive 40 percent salary support from the VPR Office and are released from all teaching obligations during the term of the appointment. Departments/Schools retain the released salary to provide resources to cover the Fellow’s teaching load during the term of the appointment. Appointments are for one year with the possibility of renewal for a second year pending Department/School approval. Areas of Appointment For the 2015–2016 academic year (beginning Fall 2015), there are four possible Fellow appointment areas: How to Apply Faculty (including research faculty) wishing to be considered should submit a one-to-two-page letter of interest to the Dave Reed by February 19, 2015. Letters should specify one of the four possible areas of appointment, particular project ideas (actual assignments will be developed through discussion with VPR and appropriate administrative units), relevance of the Fellow appointment to the individual’s career goals, and any other relevant information. Relevant Department Chair or School Dean letters of support should also be attached. How to Reapply For Faculty Fellows considering a second year Fellowship, a short [2-3 page] description of a specific project idea that would both deepen the value of the experience to the Fellow and address an institutional issue identified during the first Fellowship year should be submitted by the same deadline date for first-year Fellowship applicants. Project ideas can be developed in cooperation with relevant administrative units. This application should be accompanied by a letter of support from the relevant Chair or School Dean. Second year Fellowships will be awarded based on the availability of funds and the project idea submitted. One or two appointments will be offered by March 16, 2015, with an anticipated Fall 2015 start date.

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Diet is believed to be the single most important contributor to colonic carcinogenesis ([Tomatis *et al*, 1990](#bib25){ref-type="other"}). Experimental data have shown that saturated fatty acids (SFAs) and n-6 polyunsaturated fatty acids (PUFAs) have tumour-enhancing properties in the colon ([Reddy and Maeura, 1984](#bib18){ref-type="other"}; [Zhao *et al*, 1991](#bib28){ref-type="other"}, [Woutersen *et al*, 1999](#bib26){ref-type="other"}). Epidemiological data suggest that increased consumption of all meat or red meat, which contains high levels of SFAs, is strongly associated with colorectal cancer ([Giovannucci and Goldin, 1997](#bib10){ref-type="other"}; [Sandhu *et al*, 2001](#bib19){ref-type="other"}), but there is only limited evidence on the role of dietary n-6 PUFAs ([Zock and Katan, 1998](#bib29){ref-type="other"}; [Flood *et al*, 2003](#bib9){ref-type="other"}). The putative mechanism through which dietary n-6 PUFAs may enhance colonic carcinogenesis is the increased formation of prostaglandins, with the rate-limiting and committal step being mediated by the cyclooxygenase (COX)-2 enzyme ([Dubois *et al*, 1998](#bib7){ref-type="other"}). Prostaglandins possess a wide spectrum of procarcinogenic properties ([Handler *et al*, 1990](#bib11){ref-type="other"}; [Cowlen and Eling, 1993](#bib5){ref-type="other"}; [Coffey *et al*, 1997](#bib4){ref-type="other"}; [Dermott *et al*, 1999](#bib6){ref-type="other"}). We therefore hypothesised that functional *COX-2* gene polymorphisms may impact on the conversion of n-6 PUFAs into prostaglandins, with consequent change in level of cancer risk. A single nucleotide polymorphism (−*765G*\>*C)* in the promoter region of the *COX-2* gene was recently described ([Papafili *et al*, 2002](#bib16){ref-type="other"}). We therefore investigated whether this *COX-2* gene polymorphism was related to colorectal cancer risk within a population-based, prospective cohort of middle-aged and older Chinese men and women in Singapore. MATERIALS AND METHODS ===================== Study subjects -------------- The study design and subject recruitment of the Singapore Chinese Health Study have been described ([Hankin *et al*, 2001](#bib12){ref-type="other"}). Briefly, 63 257 Chinese women and men aged 45--74 years belonging to the Hokkien or Cantonese dialect group were enrolled in the study between April 1993 and December 1998. At recruitment, information on lifestyle factors and usual diet over the last year was obtained through in-person interviews. The dietary component of the questionnaire was validated through a series of 24-h food recalls ([Hankin *et al*, 2001](#bib12){ref-type="other"}). Respondents were asked to choose from predefined frequency and portion size categories for each of the 165 listed food/beverage items that he/she consumed during the past 12 months. We used the Singapore Food Composition Table to estimate average daily intake of 96 nutrient and non-nutrient compounds for each study subject ([Hankin *et al*, 2001](#bib12){ref-type="other"}). The Institutional Review Boards at the University of Southern California and the National University of Singapore had approved this study. We identified incident colorectal cancer cases through the population-based cancer registry in Singapore ([Chia *et al*, 2000](#bib3){ref-type="other"}). As of 30 April 2002, 592 colorectal cancer cases had occurred among cohort participants. All cases (including one carcinoid tumour and two *in situ* cancers) were histologically confirmed except three (ascertained by death records and clinical evidence). Details of the biospecimen collection, processing and storage procedures have been described ([Koh *et al*, 2003](#bib14){ref-type="other"}). Briefly, we attempted to collect blood and single-void urine specimens from a random 3% sample of cohort enrollees. If the subject refused to donate blood, he/she was asked to donate buccal cells. We collected blood/buccal cell samples from 1194 subjects during April 1994--July 1999. Of these subjects, 13 developed colorectal cancer by 30 April 2002, and the remaining 1181 subjects constituted the referent group for the present study. We also attempted to collect blood/buccal cell and urine samples from all incident colorectal cancer cases. Of the 592 colorectal cancer cases, 312 (53%) donated blood/buccal cell samples. COX-2 genotyping ---------------- Genomic DNA was extracted from buffy coats (228 cases and 895 controls) and buccal cell samples (84 cases and 286 controls) using a QIAamp 96 DNA Blood Kit (Qiagen, Valencia, CA, USA). A TaqMan assay for the −*765G*\>*C COX-2* polymorphism was developed using a TaqMan PCR Core Reagent kit (Applied Biosystems Inc., Foster City, CA, USA). The oligonucleotide primers for amplification of the polymorphic region of *COX-2* were GC093 for (5′-CATTAACTATTTACAGGGTAACTGCTTAGG-3′) and GC093rev (5′-CCCCCTCCTTGTTTCTTGGA-3′). In addition, the fluorogenic oligonucleotide probes (TaqMan MGB Probes; ABI) used to detect each of the alleles were GC093F (5′-CTTTCCCGCCTCTCT-3′) labelled with 6-FAM to detect the *G* allele and GC093V (5′-CTTTCCCCCCTCTCT-3′) labelled with VIC to detect the *C* allele. Experimental samples were compared to 12 controls to identify the three genotypes at each locus (*GG, GC, CC*). All samples were processed without knowledge of their case/control status. Any samples that were outside the parameters defined by the controls were identified as noninformative and were retested. Four controls and two cases had noninformative *COX-2* genotypes and were excluded from the present analysis. Statistical analysis -------------------- Data were analysed by standard methods for unmatched case--control studies ([Breslow and Day, 1980](#bib1){ref-type="other"}). Unconditional logistic regression models were used to examine the associations between *COX-2* genotypes and risk of colorectal cancer, and their possible modification by n-6 PUFA intake. The associations were measured by odds ratios (ORs) and their corresponding 95% confidence intervals (CIs) and *P*-values (two-sided). Limited by the very low frequency of the *CC* genotype (0.003), the *GC* and *CC* genotypes were combined when compared with the *GG* genotype. All ORs were adjusted for age (year) at recruitment, year of recruitment, gender, dialect group (Cantonese, Hokkien), level of education (no formal schooling, primary school, secondary school and higher), body mass index (\<20, 20 to \<24, 24 to \<28, 28+ kg m^−2^), smoking status (never, exsmoker, current smoker), frequency of alcohol consumption (nondrinker, monthly drinker, weekly drinker, daily drinker), and familial history of colorectal cancer (yes, no). RESULTS ======= Of the 592 incident colorectal cancer cases, 282 were excluded from the present analysis due to unavailable blood/buccal cell samples (*n*=280) or noninformative *COX-2* genotype (*n*=2). Cases included in the present study (*n*=310) were comparable to those excluded in terms of age (mean: 65.4 *vs* 66.1 years), but slightly different in gender (57 *vs* 49% male), dialect group (45 *vs* 37% Cantonese) and level of education (69 *vs* 60% attaining primary school education or higher). In total, 180 (58%) cases had colon cancer, and the remaining cases had either rectal or rectosigmoid cancers. [Table 1](#tbl1){ref-type="table"} Table 1Selected characteristics of colorectal cancer cases and controls, the Singapore Chinese Health Study**CharacteristicsControls (*n*=1177)Cases (*n*=310)*P*-value^a^** Mean age±s.d.^b^ (years)56.5±8.161.3±7.5\<0.001     Number (%) *Sex*    Males509 (43.2)178 (57.4)\<0.001 Females668 (56.8)132 (42.6)     *Dialect group*    Cantonese571 (48.5)138 (44.5)0.23 Hokkien606 (51.5)172 (55.5)     *Level of education*    No formal schooling318 (27.0)95 (30.6)0.01 Primary school504 (42.8)151 (48.7)  Secondary school288 (24.5)54 (17.4)  A level/university67 (5.7)10 (3.2)     *Body mass index* (*kg* *m*^−*2*^)    ⩽20187 (15.9)46 (14.8)0.04 20−\<24659 (56.0)151 (48.7)  24−\<28267 (22.7)92 (29.7)  28+64 (5.4)21 (6.8)     *Cigarette smoking*    Never smokers853 (72.5)184 (59.4)\<0.001 Former smokers131 (11.1)52 (16.8)  Current smokers193 (16.4)74 (23.9)     *Frequency of alcohol consumption*    Nondrinkers964 (81.9)243 (78.4)0.14 Monthly85 (7.2)21 (6.8)  Weekly93 (7.9)29 (9.4)  Daily35 (3.0)17 (5.5)     *Familial history of colorectal cancer*    No1149 (97.6)297 (95.8)0.12 Yes^c^28 (2.4)13 (4.2)     *Median (5th percentile, 95th percentile)*Total calories (kcal day^−1^)1483.5 (829.9, 2477.5)1494.0 (819.3, 2589.2)0.54Total fat (g day^−1^)40.5 (19.6, 81.7)39.8 (19.0, 77.1)0.66SFAs (g day^−1^)14.0 (5.9, 30.0)13.7 (5.8, 29.2)0.62MUFAs (g day^−1^)13.6 (6.3, 28.0)13.4 (6.1, 26.5)0.88PUFAs (g day^−1^)8.1 (3.3, 18.6)7.9 (3.4, 16.5)0.74N-3 PUFAs (g day^−1^)0.8 (0.4, 1.7)0.8 (0.4, 1.7)0.94N-6 PUFAs (g day^−1^)7.2 (2.9, 16.8)7.0 (3.0, 14.9)0.75Fiber (g day^−1^)12.2 (5.0, 23.1)11.9 (4.3, 22.5)0.83Calcium (mg day^−1^)373.5 (156.7, 853.5)363.4 (158.8, 773.6)0.56Folate (*μ*g day^−1^)146.0 (64.1, 277.7)147.1 (57.9, 286.9)0.65[^1][^2][^3] shows the distributions of selected characteristics of colorectal cases and controls. Cases were older, less educated, more obese and more likely to smoke cigarettes than controls. Intakes of total calories, total fat, SFAs, monounsaturated fatty acids (MUFAs), PUFAs, n-3 PUFAs, n-6 PUFAs, fibre, calcium or folate were comparable between cases and controls. Among control subjects, the *G* and *C* allele frequencies of the *COX-2* genotype were 0.952 and 0.048, respectively, and the *GG*, *GC* and *CC* genotype frequencies were 0.907, 0.090 and 0.003, respectively. These genotypic distributions were in Hardy--Weinberg equilibrium (*P*=0.43). Overall, there was no association between colorectal cancer risk and *COX-2* −*765G*\>*C* genotype or n-6 PUFA intake ([Table 2](#tbl2){ref-type="table"} Table 2*COX-2* −*765G*\>*C* genotype and dietary intake of n-6 PUFAs in relation to risk of colorectal cancer, the Singapore Chinese Health Study  **Colorectal cancerColon cancerRectal cancer** **Controls**align=\"center\"**CasesOR (95% CI)^a^CasesOR (95% CI)^a^CasesOR (95% CI)^a^***COX-2 genotype*        GG10672731.001551.001181.00 GC/CC110371.18 (0.77--1.79)251.50 (0.92--2.47)120.87 (0.45--1.66)        *Dietary n-6 PUFAs in quartile*^b^        1st (low)260701.00421.00281.00 2nd297831.08 (0.72--1.60)481.15 (0.70--1.87)350.97 (0.55--1.71) 3rd312721.00 (0.65--1.53)451.09 (0.64--1.83)270.82 (0.44--1.54) 4th (high)308851.04 (0.63--1.70)451.04 (0.56--1.92)400.99 (0.49--1.99)[^4][^5]). When subjects were stratified into high (above median) *vs* low (below median) intake levels of n-6 PUFAs, a borderline statistically significant association between genotype and risk was observed among high consumers of n-6 PUFAs (OR=1.65, 95% CI=0.95--2.87), which was mainly confined to colon cancer (OR=2.38, 95% CI=1.23--4.59) ([Table 3](#tbl3){ref-type="table"} Table 3*COX-2* −*765G*\>*C* genotype in relation to risk of colorectal cancer stratified by level of dietary n-6 PUFAs, the Singapore Chinese Health Study  **Colorectal cancerColon cancerRectal cancer** **ControlsCasesOR (95% CI)^a^CasesOR (95% CI)^a^CasesOR (95% CI)^a^***Low dietary n-6 PUFAs*^b^        GG5081391.00811.00581.00 GC/CC49140.82 (0.42--1.59)90.95 (0.43--2.09)50.68 (0.25--1.89)        *High dietary n-6 PUFAs*^b^        GG5591341.00741.00601.00 GC/CC61231.65 (0.95--2.87)162.38 (1.23--4.59)71.09 (0.46--2.59)[^6][^7]). There was no association between genotype and rectal cancer risk regardless of dietary n-6 PUFA intake levels. There was indication of an interaction effect between *COX-2* genotype and dietary n-6 PUFAs in colon cancer (*P*=0.07), which was absent in rectal cancer (*P*=0.51). The corresponding *P*-value for the gene--diet interaction effect in colorectal cancer combined was 0.10. DISCUSSION ========== In this cohort of Singapore Chinese, we reported a statistically significant effect of the *COX-2* −*765G*\>*C* gene polymorphism on colon cancer risk among subjects with high intake of dietary n-6 PUFAs. Our data support the hypothesis that COX-2 exerts its effects on colon carcinogenesis through its influence on prostaglandin synthesis from n-6 PUFAs. The current study has several strengths. (1) Our prospective study design precludes the possibility of recall bias. Furthermore, reliable dietary nutrient estimates including n-6 PUFAs were assessed using a validated food frequency questionnaire. (2) The nationwide cancer registry has been in place in Singapore since 1968 ([Parkin *et al*, 2002](#bib17){ref-type="other"}), and migration out of Singapore has been negligible since inception of the study. This relatively complete ascertainment of cancer and death outcomes eliminates a concern for potential selection bias. (3) Study subjects originated from two contiguous regions in Southern China, resulting in a genetically homogeneous study population that facilitated the investigation of gene--disease associations. (4) Exposure information on other known/suspected risk factors for colorectal cancer was collected and accounted for in all analyses of gene--diet--cancer risk associations. The chief limitation of our study is the lack of information on use of COX-2 inhibitors, which may bias the effect of *COX-2* genotype on risk. However, if use of COX-2 inhibitors were to exert a confounding effect on the observed COX-2 genotype/colon cancer association, our inability to control for such confounding is likely to lead to an underestimation, rather than an overestimation, of the risk associated with the putative high-activity genotype. This is because use of COX-2 inhibitors is likely to be more common among subjects with more severe symptoms of inflammation, possibly due to the possession of the high activity *COX-2* genotype. Another weakness of the present study is our relatively small number of cancer cases, which may result in less precise estimation of risk factor--disease associations. The major n-6 PUFA in most diet is linoleic acid, the precursor of arachidonic acid. The latter is consequently converted to various prostaglandins, and COX is the crucial and rate-limiting enzyme for this conversion. There is compelling evidence that prostaglandins play important roles in colorectal carcinogenesis by enhancing cell proliferation and growth, promoting angiogenesis and inhibiting apoptosis ([Cao and Prescott, 2002](#bib2){ref-type="other"}; [Stoehlmacher and Lenz, 2003](#bib23){ref-type="other"}). *COX-2* gene expression and its mRNA and protein levels were markedly elevated in most human colorectal cancers relative to adjacent normal mucosa ([Kargman *et al*, 1995](#bib13){ref-type="other"}; [Sano *et al*, 1995](#bib20){ref-type="other"}). It is hypothesised that the COX-2-associated effect on colorectal carcinogenesis is due to the increased production of prostaglandins from dietary n-6 PUFAs ([Eberhart and Dubois, 1995](#bib8){ref-type="other"}). In support of this hypothesis, high dietary n-6 PUFAs has been shown to promote colon tumorigenesis by upregulating COX-2 expression in animal studies ([Singh *et al*, 1997](#bib22){ref-type="other"}). The human *COX-2* gene is mapped to chromosome 1q25.2--q25.3 and spans about 8.3 kb pairs with 10 exons ([Kosaka *et al*, 1994](#bib15){ref-type="other"}). Previous studies on the 5′ flanking region of the human *COX-2* gene show that this region contains a canonical TATA box as well as several putative factor elements that are critical in inducing *COX-2* gene transcription, such as Sp1, NF-*κ*B, GRE (glucocorticoid) and IRE (insulin) elements ([Tazawa *et al*, 1994](#bib24){ref-type="other"}; [Yang *et al*, 1997](#bib27){ref-type="other"}). The region from nucleotide −827 to −454 has been described as a negative region since deletion of this region led to increased luciferase activity in reporter expression studies. The −*765G*\>*C* mutation lies within this region, and is also within one of the five putative Sp1 elements ([Yang *et al*, 1997](#bib27){ref-type="other"}). At present, data on the functionality of the −*765G*\>*C* polymorphism and the direction/magnitude of change in protein expression/activity between the *C* and *G* alleles are limited and mixed ([Papafili *et al*, 2002](#bib16){ref-type="other"}; [Schneider *et al*, 2003](#bib21){ref-type="other"}). In summary, the present study provides the first epidemiological evidence for a possible cause-and-effect connection between the production of prostaglandins from n-6 PUFAs through the enzymatic activity of COX-2, and increased risk of tumour development in the colon. Our novel findings require confirmation in larger studies with varying levels of substrate intake and genotype frequency. We thank Ms Siew-Hong Low of the National University of Singapore for supervising the field work of the Singapore Chinese Health Study, and Ms Kazuko Arakawa of the University of Southern California for the development and management of the cohort study database. The Singapore Chinese Health Study has been supported by Grants R01 CA55069, R35 CA53890 and R01 CA80205 from the National Cancer Institute, Bethesda, MD. [^1]: Two-sided *P*-values derived from *t*-test (for age), *χ*^2^ test (for categorical variables) or Wilcoxon rank sum test (for nutrient intakes). [^2]: Mean age at recruitment into the cohort, s.d.=standard deviation. [^3]: Any of first-degree relatives had colorectal cancer. [^4]: ORs were adjusted for age at recruitment, year of recruitment, gender, dialect group, level of education, body mass index, smoking status, frequency of alcohol consumption, and familial history of colorectal cancer; CI=confidence interval. [^5]: In addition to all variables listed above, OR were adjusted for total energy intake. [^6]: ORs were adjusted for age at recruitment, year of recruitment, gender, dialect group, level of education, body mass index, smoking status, frequency of alcohol consumption, and familial history of colorectal cancer; CI=confidence interval. [^7]: Defined as less than or equal to the median ('low') and greater than the median ('high') intake level (6.96 g day^−1^) of dietary n-6 PUFAs among all cohort members.

1. Introduction {#sec1} =============== Stroke is the second most common cause of death in developed countries and thus is a major health problem \[[@B1]\]. According to the 2009 Annual Public Health Report by the Korean National Statistical Office, cerebrovascular disease, or stroke, was the second-leading cause of disease-related deaths in Korea, after cancer \[[@B2]\]. In Korea, many stroke patients receive traditional medical care because the country has its own system of traditional alternative medicine called Traditional korean medicine (TKM), the role of which has been emphasized in stroke management \[[@B3]\]. The Korean medical diagnosis system has unique characteristics similar to the traditional Chinese medical diagnosis system. One such feature is pattern identification (PI), which is based on information obtained from four diagnostic processes including inspection, listening and smelling, inquiry, and palpation \[[@B4]\]. PI is a diagnostic system that entails a comprehensive analysis of symptoms and signs, with implications for determining the cause, nature, and location of the illness, the patient\'s physical condition, and the patient\'s treatment \[[@B3], [@B5]\]. The inspection process involves the examination of the patient\'s symptoms or disease by observing his or her shape, expression, and tongue \[[@B6]\], among others. Observation of the tongue, also known as tongue diagnosis, is an important procedure in diagnosis by inspection in TKM. The status of the tongue is an important indicator in the diagnosis of one\'s condition, including the physiological and clinicopathological changes of internal organs in the body \[[@B7]\]. A number of studies have shown that tongue diagnosis plays an important role in clinical prognosis and treatment \[[@B8]--[@B15]\], specifically in patients with a history of stroke. However, the clinical competence of tongue diagnosis was determined by the experience and knowledge of the clinicians who used tongue diagnosis. Environmental factors, such as differences between light sources and levels of brightness also had significant influences on clinicians and their diagnostic decisions using the tongue. Unfortunately, much of the experiences in traditional tongue diagnosis have not been verified scientifically or quantitatively. Therefore, it is necessary to build an objective diagnostic standard for tongue diagnosis \[[@B7]\]. We investigated the reliability of TKM tongue diagnosis in stroke patients by evaluating interobserver reliability regarding tongue indicators as achieved by TKM practitioners. 2. Methods {#sec2} ========== 2.1. Study Subjects {#sec2.1} ------------------- The data for this analysis were collected as part of the project named the Fundamental Study for the Standardization and Objectification of Pattern Identification in TKM for Stroke (SOPI-Stroke). Stroke patients admitted to the following oriental medical university hospitals, Kyung Hee Oriental Medical Center (Seoul), Kyung Hee East-West Neo Medical Center (Seoul), Dong Guk International Hospital (Kyunggi-do), Kyung Won Oriental Medical Hospital (Incheon), Dae Jeon Oriental Medical Hospital (Daejeon), Dong Sin Oriental Medical Hospital (Gwangju), Won Kwang Oriental Medical Hospital (Jeollabuk-do), Dae Gu Hanny University Medical Center (Daegu), and Sang Ji Oriental Medical Hospital (Gangwon-do), participated in this study between February 2010 and December 2010 ([Figure 1](#fig1){ref-type="fig"}). All patients provided written informed consent under procedures approved by institutional review boards (IRB). Eligibility inclusion criteria were that participants had to be enrolled within 30 days of the onset of their symptoms as confirmed by imaging diagnosis, such as computerized tomography (CT) or magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). Exclusion criteria were traumatic stroke patients, such as those with subarachnoid, subdural, or epidural hemorrhage. 2.2. Data Processing and Analysis {#sec2.2} --------------------------------- All patients were seen by two experts from the same department in each site, who were well trained in standard operation procedures (SOPs) \[Appendix\] and were subjected to an examination of the status of the tongue, tongue color (pale, red, and bluish purple), fur color (white fur, yellow fur), fur quality (thick fur, thin fur, moist fur, and dry fur), and special tongue appearance (teeth marked, enlarged, mirror, and spotted). The examination parameters were extracted from parts of a case report form (CRF) for the standardization of stroke diagnosis that had been developed by an expert committee organized by the Korean Institute of Oriental Medicine (KIOM). These assessments were given individually without discussions among the clinicians. Descriptions of the grading severity for each variable were scored as the following: 1 = very much so, 2 = Much so, and 3 = Not so much. In particular, the clinicians had to measure the stroke PI of each patient following the fire-heat pattern, the phlegm-dampness pattern, the blood stasis pattern, the qi deficiency pattern, and the Yin deficiency pattern, as suggested by the KIOM \[[@B3], [@B16]--[@B18]\]. Interobserver reliability was measured in three ways, using simple percentage agreements, Cohen\'s kappa coefficient and Gwet\'s AC~1~ statistic, as well as via the corresponding confidence intervals (CI). Kappa, the preferred measure of rater reliability for nominal data, measures the reliability of agreement between two or more independent raters using a rating scheme with mutually exclusive categories. In general, definitive kappa interpretations have been proposed \[[@B19]--[@B24]\]. For most purposes, however, values ≤0.40 represent poor agreement, values between 0.40 and 0.75 represent moderate to good agreement, and values ≥0.75 indicate excellent agreement \[[@B24]\]. The AC~1~ statistic is not vulnerable to the well-known paradoxes that make Kappa appear ineffective \[[@B25]--[@B27]\]. First, interobserver reliability for the tongue indicator among all subjects was calculated via simple percentage agreements, Cohen\'s kappa coefficient, and Gwet\'s AC~1~ statistic. Later, interobserver reliability regarding PI with same opinions between the raters was calculated in the same way. The blood stasis pattern was omitted because the sample size was too small (*n* = 1). The data were statistically analyzed with SAS software, version 9.1.3 (SAS Institute Inc., Cary, NC). 2.3. Ethical Approval {#sec2.3} --------------------- This study was approved by institutional review board of the KIOM and by each of the oriental medical university hospitals. 3. Results {#sec3} ========== A total of 658 stroke patients were enrolled in the study. Thirty patients were excluded from analysis due to PI omitted by any one of 2 TKM clinicians. The interobserver reliability results regarding tongue indicators for all subjects (*n* = 628) are shown in [Table 1](#tab1){ref-type="table"}. The kappa measure of agreement between the two experts was generally moderate to good for the tongue indicators, ranging from 0.42 to 0.69, except for moist fur (*κ* = 0.29) and spotted (*κ* = 0.37). Moreover, the AC~1~ measure of agreement between the two experts was generally high for the tongue indicators, ranging from "moderate" (AC~1~ = 0.43) to "excellent" (AC~1~ = 0.97). Agreement, as assessed by the kappa values, was considerably lower than the AC~1~ values in most cases. The results of interobserver reliability for subjects of PI with the same opinion between the raters are shown in [Table 2](#tab2){ref-type="table"}. A total of 451 stroke patients received PI with the following same resulting opinions by the raters: Fire-Heat Pattern (*n* = 147), Phlegm-Dampness Pattern (*n* = 158), Yin Deficiency Pattern (*n* = 80), and Qi Deficiency Pattern (*n* = 66). The blood stasis pattern was excluded because the sample size was too small (*n* = 1). The kappa measure of agreement for the subjects of PI was generally moderate to good for the tongue indicators, ranging from 0.40 to 0.72, except for moist fur (*κ* = 0.31). Moreover, the AC~1~ measure of agreement between the two experts was generally high for the tongue indicators, ranging from "moderate" (AC~1~ = 0.5) to "excellent" (AC~1~ = 0.98) ([Table 2](#tab2){ref-type="table"}). 4. Discussion {#sec4} ============= Inspection of the tongue in TKM diagnosis, as well as in western medicine \[[@B28]\], is one of the most important approaches for obtaining significant evidence in diagnosing the patient\'s health conditions \[[@B7]\]. It is used to observe the color, coating, and body of the tongue, among other features, in rendering a disease diagnosis. Also, as tongue diagnosis has played a prominent role in the diagnosis and subsequent treatment of stroke patients, it has attracted an increasing amount of attention in oriental medicine \[[@B8]--[@B15]\]. Park et al. \[[@B12]\] analyzed markers that classified tongue body color, fur, fur quality, dryness, and shape to standardize tongue diagnosis and PI for stroke patients. Choi et al. \[[@B14]\], to assess the usefulness of tongue diagnosis in evaluating PI, observed the coating of the tongue and compared it with PI in acute stroke stage patients within 72 hours from the onset of stroke. In his study, a red tongue was significantly related to the fire-heat pattern and the yin deficiency pattern, while a faint white tongue was related to the phlegm-dampness pattern. Thin fur was related to the Wind and fire-heat pattern, and thick fur was related to the phlegm-dampness and blood stasis patterns. Another study \[[@B15]\] by the same author found that a stroke patient\'s motor recovery might be related to tongue diagnosis. In Kim et al.\'s recent study \[[@B3]\], the authors attempted to standardize the oriental medical PI for stroke patients using logistic regressions. An interesting finding was that all of the patterns in their study basically included tongue and pulse diagnoses in their final equations. This result shows that TKM clinicians tongue and pulse diagnosis are seriously considered in their patient management. However, traditional tongue diagnosis does have its inevitable limitations because the clinical skill involved in tongue diagnosis depends on the clinician\'s experience and knowledge as well as on environmental factors that can exert a significant influence on the diagnostic results. Therefore, it is necessary to build an objective diagnostic standard for tongue diagnosis. To date, only a few studies have reached wide consensus among TKM clinicians, while many studies have investigated agreement measures for western medical diagnosis \[[@B29]\]. An evaluation of interobserver reliability is important when one is interested in the "true" differences among observers that often report different values for the same quantity. In other words, interobserver reliability, rather than the total observer reliability, should be used to explore the causes of the disagreements among observers. The total observer reliability masks these sources of disagreement because it contains both interobserver reliability (true differences) and intraobserver reliability (random error among the observations) made by the same observer for the same subject \[[@B30]\]. Li et al. \[[@B32]\] used the kappa value to evaluate the consistency of tongue and pulse signs for 55 patients as observed by traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) clinicians. Zhang et al. \[[@B33]\] analyzed the effect of training on improved agreement in TCM diagnosis among its practitioners based on a sample of 42 patients with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). Mist et al. \[[@B34]\], using interrater correlations and kappa values, assessed whether a training process that focused on a questionnaire-based diagnosis would improve agreement in traditional Chinese medicine TCM diagnosis. Finally, Kim et al. \[[@B35]\] examined the reliability of TCM tongue inspection by evaluating inter- and intrapractitioner agreement levels for specific tongue characteristics. The data for this analysis were collected as parts of a multicenter study of standardization of stroke diagnosis in Korea. In this study, the evaluation of interobserver reliability in tongue status in stroke patients, as achieved by TKM clinicians, as well as interobserver reliability in all subjects (or subjects of PI with same the opinions between the raters), was calculated as simple percentage agreements, kappa values and AC~1~ measures. When investigating agreement between observers, clinicians have long used kappa and other chance-adjusted measures. A commonly used scale used to interpret kappa derives from the work of Landis and Koch in 1977 \[[@B20]\]. However, the appropriateness of kappa as a measure of agreement has recently been debated \[[@B26], [@B27]\]. A relatively new statistic, the AC~1~, has been suggested by Gwet to adjust for chance in agreement studies \[[@B25], [@B31]\]. According to our results, interobserver agreement in tongue diagnosis between the raters was generally moderate to good. The AC~1~ measure of agreement between the two experts was generally moderate to good for the tongue indicators, ranging from 0.43 to 0.97. In particular, the AC~1~ measure of agreement was nearly perfect in mirror, spotted, and bluish purple tongue. These tongue indicators are certain signs of special tongue appearance. Mirror tongue means that the surface of tongue is smooth and shiny like a mirror, without fur. Spotted tongue means that there are purple spots on the whole tongue and bluish purple tongue means that the color of tongue body is bluish purple, or bluish purple spots appear on the surface of the tongue. It is thought that a description of these indicators is relatively objective, that agreement is very high. Whereas the AC~1~ of pale, thin fur, moist fur is lower than 0.5. The reason why the AC~1~ of these indicators is low is that perception of quality and color of tongue vary markedly from person to person. Therefore, it is necessary to improve the validity and reliability of tongue diagnosis through the development of detail-oriented criteria and enhanced training of clinicians. One limitation of our study is the fact that we did not analyze the impact of the each site participated in this study. All patients were allocated into two experts among the eighteen clinicians in each site. While the large number of clinicians who participated in the study increased the generalizability of the results, it is possible that the variety of experiences offered by these clinicians was another limitation to the study. All clinicians who had at least more than three years of clinical experience in the field took regular SOPs training twice a year, therefore we assumed all clinicians have equal ability to take information from the patients. But, in reality it is certain that this assumption is not true. We will consider the subject carefully in the future work. Furthermore, this study has a limitation in that the actual diagnosis process in TKM is carried out not only through tongue diagnosis but also through other three diagnostic processes. Further studies may be necessary to conduct a comprehensive analysis considering all the four diagnostic processes. Tongue diagnosis is a very important diagnostic procedure in TKM, despite its inevitable limitations associated with clinician experience and knowledge. However, this study shows that interobserver reliability in tongue status in stroke patients between the raters was considerably high. This may help to alleviate the lack of objectivity and reproducibility in tongue diagnosis in TKM. We expect that future studies will help to further establish tongue diagnosis as a useful oriental medicine diagnostic tool in the clinical management of stroke patients. M. M. Ko, and J. A. Lee contributed equally to this work. This research was supported by a Grant from the Korea Institute of Oriental Medicine (K11131). {#fig1} ###### Agreement between raters for all subjects. Variables \% Agreement Kappa (*κ*) CI of *κ* AC~1~ CI of AC~1~ ---------------------------- -------------- ------------- -------------- ------- -------------- Tongue color:  Pale 71.38 0.42 (0.35, 0.49) 0.43 (0.36, 0.51)  Red 75.84 0.51 (0.44, 0.58) 0.52 (0.45, 0.59)  Bluish purple 91.99 0.42 (0.35, 0.49) 0.9 (0.87, 0.93) Fur color:  White fur 75.17 0.49 (0.42, 0.56) 0.51 (0.44, 0.59)  Yellow fur 85.29 0.69 (0.63, 0.75) 0.71 (0.66, 0.78) Fur quality:  Thick fur 81.15 0.60 (0.54, 0.67) 0.63 (0.57, 0.70)  Thin fur 74.61 0.49 (0.41, 0.56) 0.49 (0.42, 0.57)  Moist fur 70.27 0.29 (0.21, 0.37) 0.49 (0.42, 0.57)  Dry fur 80.5 0.48 (0.40, 0.56) 0.68 (0.63, 0.75) Special tongue appearance:  Teeth marked 87.68 0.46 (0.36, 0.56) 0.84 (0.80, 0.88)  Enlarged 89.63 0.51 (0.41, 0.61) 0.86 (0.83, 0.90)  Mirror 97.44 0.60 (0.42, 0.78) 0.97 (0.95, 0.99)  Spotted 96.96 0.37 (0.15, 0.59) 0.96 (0.95, 0.98) CI: confidence interval. ###### Agreement measures in PI with the same opinions between the raters. Variables \% Agreement Kappa (*κ*) CI of *κ* AC~1~ CI of AC~1~ ---------------------------- -------------- ------------- -------------- ------- -------------- Tongue color:  Pale 75.00 0.49 (0.41, 0.58) 0.51 (0.42, 0.59)  Red 76.67 0.53 (0.45, 0.61) 0.54 (0.46, 0.62)  bluish purple 94.09 0.57 (0.42, 0.72) 0.93 (0.90, 0.96) Fur color:  White fur 77.05 0.52 (0.44, 0.60) 0.56 (0.48, 0.64)  Yellow fur 86.37 0.71 (0.64, 0.78) 0.74 (0.68, 0.81) Fur quality:  Thick fur 83.25 0.65 (0.58, 0.73) 0.68 (0.61, 0.75)  Thin fur 75.18 0.50 (0.42, 0.58) 0.51 (0.42, 0.59)  Moist fur 70.53 0.31 (0.22, 0.40) 0.5 (0.41, 0.58)  Dry fur 82.46 0.52 (0.42, 0.61) 0.72 (0.66, 0.79) Special tongue appearance:  Teeth marked 89.06 0.53 (0.42, 0.64) 0.86 (0.82, 0.90)  Enlarged 90.67 0.57 (0.46, 0.69) 0.88 (0.84, 0.92)  Mirror 97.99 0.72 (0.54, 0.89) 0.98 (0.96, 0.99)  Spotted 96.88 0.40 (0.15, 0.65) 0.97 (0.95, 0.99) PI: pattern identification; CI: confidence interval. [^1]: Academic Editor: Wolfgang Weidenhammer

News Auburn Public Theater will welcome a pair of high-profile musicians within a week of each other. Performing first at the downtown theater will be John Waite at 8 p.m. Saturday, Sept. 30. On his 40th anniversary tour, the Lancaster, England-born rocker reached No. 1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 Singles chart with “Missing You” in 1984, and revisited the spot with supergroup Bad English in 1989 with the song “When I See You Smile.” Waite resumed his solo career in 1995, adding six albums since then to his millions-selling, Grammy-nominated catalogue. Singer-songwriter Jason Sinay will open the show. Tickets are $45-$50.

Q: optimize tween() transition in d3.js I have a set of items: [ { label: 'item1', color: 'yellow' }, { label: 'item2', color: 'red' }, { label: 'item3', color: 'blue' }, { label: 'item4', color: 'green' } ] There's a main transition which moves all items from left to right. Inside this main transition, I want to apply individual transitions to each item (this transition goes up and down). This last transition is a bit special because each item is composed of a text and a circle and these two parts move independently from each other. Here's a jsfiddle showing you an example: http://jsbin.com/juyoyuzuta/1/edit?js,output (sorry if the example is a bit ugly, but you can get the idea) When I profile this code in my browser it's seems like the browser is doing a lot of painting/rendering. I'm wondering if there's some optimizations I can do to do less paintings/rendering. And more generally if there's a better way to do it. A: I think you're going to be getting into micro-optimization land after this point. You're doing it the way I would tackle the problem, here are some things you could try: You could attempt to modify the position of the circles / labels directly rather than applying a transform. My gut feeling is if you're getting any hardware acceleration that you're probably going to lose it doing this (CSS transforms are a pretty standard thing, modify cx of a circle is not). You could reduce the amount of movement, those circles look like they're just buzzing with energy, maybe slow the thing down and move the circles up/down a bit less frequently. Aim for a smoother transition and I don't think you'd lose anything. But in essence, you're doing a very paint heavy operation and not a lot else. So it's fully expected that profiling the code is going to point to a lot of rendering and DOM manipulation. You're basically doing this over a fairly tight loop.

Q: How do I respond to Mod question? I flagged an answer as abusive because of the derogatory language the author used to reference another user (the answer has since been edited but you can see the original text in the edit history). I was using this post as my guide for what constitutes 'abuse'. The flag reviewer responded with a question to me: I don't want the reviewer to think I'm an idiot and I want them to know why I flagged it as I did (I don't want to argue that it was declined, that's within their right). How do I respond and answer the question? A: Basically flags are for things where the normal tools cannot fix the issue. In this case, an edit handled it which is why the flag was declined. Keep in mind, when we review flags we see the current post and not the original. The behavior was both rude and offensive so I've suspended the account in question temporarily.

Correlation of clinical and pathologic evaluation of scarring alopecia. Differentiating scarring and nonscarring alopecia poses a diagnostic dilemma for clinicians, with histopathology used to distinguish. The extent to which dermatologists are able to clinically classify alopecia has not been evaluated. A retrospective study of pathology reports on 458 patients was used to calculate a kappa coefficient to correlate clinical presence of scarring or nonscarring alopecia to histopathologic presence of scarring or nonscarring. A multivariate analysis was performed to assess for associations with scarring. The kappa correlation coefficient was 0.59 (P < 0.0001), indicating moderate agreement and varied by race and sex. There were 15 times higher odds of making the clinical diagnosis of scarring alopecia (OR 14.64 95% CI [8.64-24.18]; P < 0.001), and this increased with age. These results suggest that clinical exam is moderately reliable in distinguishing between scarring and nonscarring alopecia. Our results highlight the need for education and diagnostic schemata for evaluation of alopecia based on gender and in skin of color.

Radiation Dosimetry for Ureteroscopy Patients: A Phantom Study Comparing the Standard and Obese Patient Models. To determine the effect of obesity on radiation exposure during simulated ureteroscopy. A validated anthropomorphic adult male phantom with a body mass index (BMI) of approximately 24 kg/m(2), was positioned to simulate ureteroscopy. Padding with radiographic characteristics of human fat was placed around the phantom to create an obese model with BMI of 30 kg/m(2). Metal oxide semiconductor field effect transistor (MOSFET) dosimeters were placed at 20 organ locations in both models to measure organ dosages. A portable C-arm was used to provide fluoroscopic x-ray radiation to simulate ureteroscopy. Organ dose rates were calculated by dividing organ dose by fluoroscopy time. Effective dose rate (EDR, mSv/sec) was calculated as the sum of organ dose rates multiplied by corresponding ICRP 103 tissue weighting factors. The mean EDR was significantly increased during left ureteroscopy in the obese model at 0.0092 ± 0.0004 mSv/sec compared with 0.0041 ± 0.0003 mSv/sec in the nonobese model (P < 0.01), as well as during right ureteroscopy at 0.0061 ± 0.0002 and 0.0036 ± 0.0007 mSv/sec in the obese and nonobese model, respectively (P < 0.01). EDR during left ureteroscopy was significantly greater than right ureteroscopy in the obese model (P = 0.02). Fluoroscopy during ureteroscopy contributes to the overall radiation dose for patients being treated for nephrolithiasis. Obese patients are at even higher risk because of increased exposure rates during fluoroscopy. Every effort should be made to minimize the amount of fluoroscopy used during ureteroscopy, especially with obese patients.

(SportsNetwork.com) - Bruce Arians was a candidate for the vacant Philadelphia Eagles job, but the powers that be decided Chip Kelly, with no professional experience, was better equipped. It didn't take long for Arians to find a job, however, and he will lead the Arizona Cardinals into the Philadelphia Sunday to battle the Eagles. Arians, who gained notoriety by filling in for an ill Chuck Pagano with the Indianapolis Colts last season, has guided the Cardinals to a surprising 7-4 start and has them on the brink of ending a three-year postseason layoff. The Cardinals are currently in the hunt for a wild card spot since it appears the Seattle Seahawks will take home the NFC West title. The Eagles are also flirting with the idea of making a playoff run in Kelly's first season at the helm and are even with the Dallas Cowboys for first place in the NFC East. The Cowboys own the tiebreaker after beating the Eagles a few weeks back at Lincoln Financial Field, where the Cardinals hope to find similar success. Arizona has won four in a row, including three straight after the bye, and hammered the Colts, 40-11, on Sunday in the desert. A 26-yard touchdown reception by Larry Fitzgerald and a 22-yard interception return for a score by Karlos Dansby highlighted a 20-point second quarter for the Cardinals, who racked up 410 yards of offense and hope to gain some more attention in the competitive NFC. "I think this was a respect game," said Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer, who threw for 314 yards with a pair of TD passes to Fitzgerald. "I don't think we are well respected throughout the league, and that's not anybody's fault but our own. But I think we are better than people think." The Cardinals deserve a lot of credit with wins over Detroit, Carolina and Indianapolis. Still, veteran defensive lineman Darnell Dockett feels Arizona is slighted each week. "You know what's funny?" Dockett said. "Whenever the Cardinals win it's always what the other team didn't do. It's never what we forced other teams to do. We understand that. Everyone says, 'They didn't beat nobody, they didn't beat nobody." Well, the Colts aren't nobodies. They, too, are in the mix for a playoff spot and just got waxed by their former assistant coach in Arians, whose squad last won four in a row to start the 2012 season and hasn't prevailed in five straight games since the St. Louis Cardinals won six in a row during the 1977 campaign under head coach Don Coryell. The Cardinals hope to keep the momentum going and keep pressing for a chance at reaching the playoffs. "We are in the hunt," Arizona cornerback Jerraud Powers said. "That's all you can ask for. It seems like everyone is believing in one another." Meanwhile, the Eagles are feeling just as confident with three straight wins and last won four in a row to close out the 2011 campaign at 8-8. Eagles quarterback Nick Foles was still slinging the ball for the University of Arizona and completed 387-of-560 passes for 4,334 yards and 28 touchdowns for the Wildcats. The second-year pro, who was recently crowned the starter, is now lighting up opposing defenses at a rapid rate and is building confidence in himself, with the coaches and his teammates. "He has the utmost confidence in himself," said Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper. "He is a great quarterback and he should. He is the general out there. We are all listening to him. He does a great job." Cooper has been the beneficiary of Foles' resurgence and is second on the Eagles with 592 yards on 31 catches. His seven touchdown receptions is tied with DeSean Jackson. Foles, though, is the reason for the success and has 1,554 yards with 16 TD passes and no interceptions for a 128.0 rating. His rating ranks first in the NFL and has six games this season with a rating of 100 or better. During the Eagles' winning streak, Foles' QB rating is 152.8. He has thrown 199 consecutive passes without an interception and his 9.6 yards per attempt is first in the league. Foles has the Eagles flying high and helped them halt a 10-game home losing streak with last week's 24-16 win over the Washington Redskins. He threw for 298 yards and did not have a touchdown pass. He didn't need to because LeSean McCoy ran for 77 yards and a pair of touchdowns. "I feel like we've put ourselves in a good position," Foles said. "That's all you can ask for, especially heading into the bye week. Especially with winning our last game at home, (we're) moving in the right direction and just continuing to change the atmosphere here. The coaches here are doing a great job and the players are doing a great job of buying in, so I think that we have to keep going in that direction and keep leaning on each other, and we'll see what happens." The New York Giants did no favors by losing to the Cowboys on Sunday, so it's a tight rope to walk in the division. Speaking of walking the line, Michael Vick said Foles deserves to remain the start for how well he's played. Vick is no fool and believes in the idiom if it's not broke, don't fix it. "In all honesty, in all fairness, how can you take a guy out of the game who's been playing so well?" Vick said. "I've been in this stage before, and I know what it's like. I understand the position that this team is in, and the one thing I never want to do is be a distraction or put our team or our coaches in a position where they feel like they're not doing the right thing or I feel like they're not doing the right thing." Philadelphia has been doing the right thing offensively and is averaging 33.3 points and 453 yards during the winning streak. Jackson, Cooper and McCoy have been Philly's big three in recent weeks, while Jackson is 15 yards shy of the third 1,000-yard season of his career. AFter three straight weeks of rushing for no more than 55 yards, McCoy had 155 yards on 25 carries at Green Bay, then ran for 77 yards on 20 carries versus the Redskins to surpass running backs coach Duce Staley for third on the team's all-time rushing list with 4,875 yards. McCoy also reached the 1,000-mark for the third time in his career and didn't know it until it was brought up to him. "I did know this though, I had 10 yards to pass Duce," McCoy said. "So I knew that was going to happen." The shifty back averages about half of 10 yards (4.7 ypg) for an Eagles squad looking for revenge versus the Cardinals after last season's 27-6 loss on Sept. 23 at University of Phoenix Stadium. Philadelphia's most recent victory in the series was a 48-20 home rout on Thanksgiving Night of 2008, and the Eagles have taken five of the last nine regular-season bouts since 2000 with their former division rivals. Including the 2008 NFC Championship, which the Cardinals won by a 32-25 count to advance to their only Super Bowl, Arizona has won three in a row against the Eagles. WHAT TO WATCH FOR The Eagles give up a league-worst 300.1 passing yards per game and are 31st in total yards allowed (417.9). So what can they expect from Fitzgerald, one of the top wide receivers in the game? Fitzgerald caught nine passes for 114 yards and a touchdown in the last meeting with the Eagles and has played them four times in his career, posting 26 catches for 418 yards and six TDs. No matter who is covering Fitzgerald, whether it's Cary Williams, Brandon Boykin or Bradley Fletcher, who is bothered by a pectoral muscle and is questionable Sunday, the Eagles will experience some trouble. Palmer gave some insight on what it's like to cover Fitzgerald, who eclipsed the 11,000-yard mark in his career. He is the youngest to reach that mark. "Any time you have Larry 1-on-1 down in the red zone, it's not a good matchup for the other team," Palmer said. Floyd can be an issue, too, so it's important for an improved Eagles defense to force Palmer into making mistakes. Palmer's known for erratic play at times, but the former Heisman Trophy winner can also shred defenses. Just ask the Colts, who failed to pick off a pass. Williams, though, is impressed with how well the unit is playing. "We're getting there and I also think we all understand that a lot of work is ahead to get to where we need to be," said Williams. "The play up front has improved, which impacts everyone. I think that confidence is the big reason. Everybody understands what the coaches are looking for and we've all worked hard studying that. You see the results. We all feel like it's improving." Speaking of play up front, give credit to big men Vinny Curry, Fletcher Cox and Cedric Thornton. They have combined for eight sacks, while Curry and linebacker Connor Barwin have four apiece. LB Trent Cole and Cox each have posted three sacks. The Cardinals have some muscle of their own on defense and sack master John Abraham has seven so far. Defensive end Calais Campbell has 5 1/2 sacks and Dockett owns 4 1/2, while veteran linebacker Karlos Dansby leads the Cardinals with 88 tackles. Dansby registered five stops against Indianapolis and an interception. Look for him to disrupt Philadelphia's run game by shooting the gaps. Colts quarterback Andrew Luck was rattled often in Sunday's game. "They created a bit of a hornet's nest," Luck said of the defensive pressure. Don't sleep on Arizona's secondary either with rookie Tyrann Mathieu, stud Patrick Peterson, Powers and Yeremiah Bell. They, too, will have their hands full with Jackson, Cooper and tight end Brent Celek. Celek hasn't been much of a factor lately, which is why he could be a pest Sunday. OVERALL ANALYSIS The Cardinals seem to give the Eagles fits lately and will do so again at the Linc. The Nick Foles show has to have some sort of commercial break and it will be good to get that out of the way now instead of later. A loss won't impact much in the NFC East because it's still wide open. Arizona is fighting with the Eagles and many other teams in a push toward the postseason and it will be up to Palmer and the defense to make that happen. The Eagles do have some nice weapons, but the Cardinals can counter that with their impressive defense. Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles performed the same role in a limited capacity for Philadelphia last season, so expect his familiarity with the opponent to come in handy.

US President Donald Trump has designated North Korea as a state sponsor of terrorism, triggering new sanctions against Kim Jong-un's regime.

Himashree Roy Himashree Roy is a female Indian Athlete who won a bronze medal in the 100 meters women's relay race along with Merlin K Joseph, Srabani Nanda and Dutee Chand in the 22nd Asian Athletics Championships which concluded on July 9, 2017. She was born in Kolkata, West Bengal on 15 March 1995. Career She won the silver medal in women's 4x100m relay race along with N. Shardha, Sonal Chawla and Priyanka in the National Open athletics championships 2018 where they represented the Indian Railways. Himashree Roy timed 11.60 seconds to set a record in women's 100 metres on 5 August 2018 in the 68th State Athletics Championships, at the Salt Lake Stadium while representing the Eastern Railway Sports Association (ERSA). She won the bronze medal in women's 100m final in 84th All India Railway Athletics Championship, 2017. Himashree Roy, MG Padmini, Srabani Nanda and Gayathri Govindaraj won the bronze medal for women's 4x100m relay race in the second leg of the 2015 Asian Grand Prix Games, held in Thailand. She also won the gold medal in the women's 4×100 metre relay with teammates Dutee Chand, Srabani Nanda and Merlin K Joseph while representing the Indian Railways in the 55th National Open Athletic Championship, 2015. References Category:1995 births Category:Sportswomen from West Bengal Category:Indian female sprinters Category:21st-century Indian women Category:Living people

Club night 7:30pm Prevention Of Obesity Club. Every Wednesday Onwards and then 8:00pm Back to School. Drag out you plimmos, school tie and shorts, for a trip back in time to your school days and dancing until 11:00pm.

Half-Quantum Vortices in an Antiferromagnetic Spinor Bose-Einstein Condensate. We report on the observation of half-quantum vortices (HQVs) in the easy-plane polar phase of an antiferromagnetic spinor Bose-Einstein condensate. Using in situ magnetization-sensitive imaging, we observe that pairs of HQVs with opposite core magnetization are generated when singly charged quantum vortices are injected into the condensate. The dynamics of HQV pair formation is characterized by measuring the temporal evolutions of the pair separation distance and the core magnetization, which reveals the short-range nature of the repulsive interactions between the HQVs. We find that spin fluctuations arising from thermal population of transverse magnon excitations do not significantly affect the HQV pair formation dynamics. Our results demonstrate the instability of a singly charged vortex in the antiferromagnetic spinor condensate.

# coding=utf-8 import typing from pyramid.config import Configurator import transaction from tracim_backend.app_models.contents import FOLDER_TYPE from tracim_backend.app_models.contents import content_type_list from tracim_backend.config import CFG from tracim_backend.exceptions import ContentFilenameAlreadyUsedInFolder from tracim_backend.exceptions import EmptyLabelNotAllowed from tracim_backend.extensions import hapic from tracim_backend.lib.core.content import ContentApi from tracim_backend.lib.utils.authorization import ContentTypeChecker from tracim_backend.lib.utils.authorization import check_right from tracim_backend.lib.utils.authorization import is_contributor from tracim_backend.lib.utils.authorization import is_reader from tracim_backend.lib.utils.request import TracimRequest from tracim_backend.lib.utils.utils import generate_documentation_swagger_tag from tracim_backend.models.context_models import ContentInContext from tracim_backend.models.context_models import RevisionInContext from tracim_backend.models.revision_protection import new_revision from tracim_backend.views.controllers import Controller from tracim_backend.views.core_api.schemas import FolderContentModifySchema from tracim_backend.views.core_api.schemas import NoContentSchema from tracim_backend.views.core_api.schemas import SetContentStatusSchema from tracim_backend.views.core_api.schemas import TextBasedContentSchema from tracim_backend.views.core_api.schemas import TextBasedRevisionSchema from tracim_backend.views.core_api.schemas import WorkspaceAndContentIdPathSchema from tracim_backend.views.swagger_generic_section import SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_ENDPOINTS try: # Python 3.5+ from http import HTTPStatus except ImportError: from http import client as HTTPStatus SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_FOLDER_SECTION = "Folders" SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_FOLDER_ENDPOINTS = generate_documentation_swagger_tag( SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_ENDPOINTS, SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_FOLDER_SECTION ) is_folder_content = ContentTypeChecker([FOLDER_TYPE]) class FolderController(Controller): @hapic.with_api_doc(tags=[SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_FOLDER_ENDPOINTS]) @check_right(is_reader) @check_right(is_folder_content) @hapic.input_path(WorkspaceAndContentIdPathSchema()) @hapic.output_body(TextBasedContentSchema()) def get_folder(self, context, request: TracimRequest, hapic_data=None) -> ContentInContext: """ Get folder info """ app_config = request.registry.settings["CFG"] # type: CFG api = ContentApi( show_archived=True, show_deleted=True, current_user=request.current_user, session=request.dbsession, config=app_config, ) content = api.get_one(hapic_data.path.content_id, content_type=content_type_list.Any_SLUG) return api.get_content_in_context(content) @hapic.with_api_doc(tags=[SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_FOLDER_ENDPOINTS]) @hapic.handle_exception(EmptyLabelNotAllowed, HTTPStatus.BAD_REQUEST) @hapic.handle_exception(ContentFilenameAlreadyUsedInFolder, HTTPStatus.BAD_REQUEST) @check_right(is_contributor) @check_right(is_folder_content) @hapic.input_path(WorkspaceAndContentIdPathSchema()) @hapic.input_body(FolderContentModifySchema()) @hapic.output_body(TextBasedContentSchema()) def update_folder(self, context, request: TracimRequest, hapic_data=None) -> ContentInContext: """ update folder """ app_config = request.registry.settings["CFG"] # type: CFG api = ContentApi( show_archived=True, show_deleted=True, current_user=request.current_user, session=request.dbsession, config=app_config, ) content = api.get_one(hapic_data.path.content_id, content_type=content_type_list.Any_SLUG) with new_revision(session=request.dbsession, tm=transaction.manager, content=content): api.update_container_content( item=content, new_label=hapic_data.body.label, new_content=hapic_data.body.raw_content, allowed_content_type_slug_list=hapic_data.body.sub_content_types, ) api.save(content) api.execute_update_content_actions(content) return api.get_content_in_context(content) @hapic.with_api_doc(tags=[SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_FOLDER_ENDPOINTS]) @check_right(is_reader) @check_right(is_folder_content) @hapic.input_path(WorkspaceAndContentIdPathSchema()) @hapic.output_body(TextBasedRevisionSchema(many=True)) def get_folder_revisions( self, context, request: TracimRequest, hapic_data=None ) -> typing.List[RevisionInContext]: """ get folder revisions """ app_config = request.registry.settings["CFG"] # type: CFG api = ContentApi( show_archived=True, show_deleted=True, current_user=request.current_user, session=request.dbsession, config=app_config, ) content = api.get_one(hapic_data.path.content_id, content_type=content_type_list.Any_SLUG) revisions = content.revisions return [api.get_revision_in_context(revision) for revision in revisions] @hapic.with_api_doc(tags=[SWAGGER_TAG__CONTENT_FOLDER_ENDPOINTS]) @check_right(is_contributor) @check_right(is_folder_content) @hapic.input_path(WorkspaceAndContentIdPathSchema()) @hapic.input_body(SetContentStatusSchema()) @hapic.output_body(NoContentSchema(), default_http_code=HTTPStatus.NO_CONTENT) def set_folder_status(self, context, request: TracimRequest, hapic_data=None) -> None: """ set folder status """ app_config = request.registry.settings["CFG"] # type: CFG api = ContentApi( show_archived=True, show_deleted=True, current_user=request.current_user, session=request.dbsession, config=app_config, ) content = api.get_one(hapic_data.path.content_id, content_type=content_type_list.Any_SLUG) with new_revision(session=request.dbsession, tm=transaction.manager, content=content): api.set_status(content, hapic_data.body.status) api.save(content) api.execute_update_content_actions(content) return def bind(self, configurator: Configurator) -> None: # Get folder configurator.add_route( "folder", "/workspaces/{workspace_id}/folders/{content_id}", request_method="GET" ) configurator.add_view(self.get_folder, route_name="folder") # update folder configurator.add_route( "update_folder", "/workspaces/{workspace_id}/folders/{content_id}", request_method="PUT" ) configurator.add_view(self.update_folder, route_name="update_folder") # get folder revisions configurator.add_route( "folder_revisions", "/workspaces/{workspace_id}/folders/{content_id}/revisions", request_method="GET", ) configurator.add_view(self.get_folder_revisions, route_name="folder_revisions") # get folder revisions configurator.add_route( "set_folder_status", "/workspaces/{workspace_id}/folders/{content_id}/status", request_method="PUT", ) configurator.add_view(self.set_folder_status, route_name="set_folder_status")

context-contactform In order to be able to process your contact data, all fields marked with an asterisk (*) must be completed. Your messages and questions* Your query should relate to an existing ARBURG machine. Machine type Machine number Contact details Title* First name* Surname* Company/Institution* Customer no. Street, number* Postcode* Town* Country* Federal state/region Telephone number* E-mail* We guarantee you that we do not store any more data than is required for the services provided. We do not pass this data on to third parties outside the ARBURG organisation. All information will, of course, be treated confidentially. How can we contact you? Callback Consultant visit E-mail Captcha Abschicken Flow straightener Combined processing of PBT and LSR The combination of different materials to create multi-functional components in a single production step is one of the domains of plastics processing. Flow straighteners in shower heads are a good example: thanks to the elastic LSR nozzles integrated in the solid PBT main body, scale can be removed with ease. Flow straighteners for shower heads are produced, inspected and packaged fully automatically in a production cell built around an electric two-component injection moulding machine from the ALLDRIVE series. This enables efficient high-volume production of this complex hard/soft combination. Basic specifications Technology MachineFlow straighteners for shower heads are produced from PBT and LSR on an electric two-component ALLROUNDER 570 A, which is equipped with two size 170 injection units. Two pre-moulded parts and two finished components are produced in a cycle time of 40 s in a consistently high part quality.to electric machines Robotic systemTransfer technology is the ideal answer for hard/soft combinations such as the flow straightener. The vertical MULTILIFT V robotic system turns the pre-moulded parts over in the mould. In addition, it removes the finished parts and transfers them first to a cooling station with integrated visual inspection, then on to a packaging system.to linear robotic systems Process Multi-component injection mouldingFor the combined processing of thermoplastics and liquid silicone in a single mould, the necessary thermal separation presents a challenge: while the PBT needs to be cooled, the LSR cross-links at high temperatures. For a fully automated process, transfer technology offers the ideal solution.to the process Liquid silicone injection moulding (LSR)For sprueless part production, both the PBT main body and the LSR nozzles of the flow straightener are directly injected using hot and cold-runner technology. As a result, no non-recyclable waste is generated. Efficient use of materials is also ensured by an optimised emptying system for the LSR dosing unit.to the process Industry Technical injection mouldingIn technical injection moulding, high-precision components can be produced for a wide variety of applications. The production of flow straighteners is an example of how sophisticated mould technology and complex workflows can be comprehensively automated.to the industry

Changes in axonal physiology and morphology after chronic compressive injury of the rat thoracic spinal cord. The spinal cord is rarely transected after spinal cord injury. Dysfunction of surviving axons, which traverse the site of spinal cord injury, appears to contribute to post-traumatic neurological deficits, although the underlying mechanisms remain unclear. The subpial rim frequently contains thinly myelinated axons which appear to conduct signals abnormally, although it is uncertain whether this truly reflects maladaptive alterations in conduction properties of injured axons during the chronic phase of spinal cord injury or whether this is merely the result of the selective survival of a subpopulation of axons. In the present study, we examined the changes in axonal conduction properties after chronic clip compression injury of the rat thoracic spinal cord, using the sucrose gap technique and quantitatively examined changes in the morphological and ultrastructural features of injured axonal fibers in order to clarify these issues. Chronically injured dorsal columns had a markedly reduced compound action potential amplitude (8.3% of control) and exhibited significantly reduced excitability. Other dysfunctional conduction properties of injured axons included a slower population conduction velocity, a longer refractory period and a greater degree of high-frequency conduction block at 200 Hz. Light microscopic and ultrastructural analysis showed numerous axons with abnormally thin myelin sheaths as well as unmyelinated axons in the injured spinal cord. The ventral column showed a reduced median axonal diameter and the lateral and dorsal columns showed increased median diameters, with evidence of abnormally large swollen axons. Plots of axonal diameter versus myelination ratio showed that post-injury, dorsal column axons of all diameters had thinner myelin sheaths. Noninjured dorsal column axons had a median myelination ratio (1.56) which was within the optimal range (1.43-1.67) for axonal conduction, whereas injured dorsal column axons had a median myelination ratio (1.33) below the optimal value. These data suggest that maladaptive alterations occur postinjury to myelin sheath thickness which reduce the efficiency of axonal signal transmission.In conclusion, chronically injured dorsal column axons show physiological evidence of dysfunction and morphological changes in axonal diameter and reduced myelination ratio. These maladaptive alterations to injured axons, including decrease in myelin thickness and the appearance of axonal swellings, contribute to the decreased excitability of chronically injured axons. These results further clarify the mechanisms underlying neurological dysfunction after chronic neurotrauma and have significant implications regarding approaches to augment neural repair and regeneration.

Q: String com lixo de memória Estou com alguns problemas ao trabalhar com arquivos e funções, o código que estou fazendo deveria imprimir uma string no arquivo, porém essa string está com lixo, e não imprime o que deve apesar de ser usada normalmente. http://pastebin.com/JtGTDSeL #include <stdio.h> #include <stdlib.h> #include <conio.h> #include <string.h> #define MAIOR_ID 0 int top_IDS(int ID_DNA, char *linhas[]) { FILE *arquivo; arquivo=fopen("MEL_PIOR.txt","a"); fflush(stdin); fputs(linhas,arquivo); fprintf(arquivo,"\t%i\n",ID_DNA); fclose(arquivo); return 0; } int calcular_peso(char lin_1[],int *qtd_g, int *qtd_c) { int i=0; int soma_pesos=0,I_D=0; int qt,qt2; gets(lin_1); for(i=0; i<10; i++) { if(lin_1[i]=='A' || lin_1[i]=='T') soma_pesos+=3; else soma_pesos+=7; } qt = *qtd_g; qt2 = *qtd_c; I_D=(soma_pesos+qt+qt2); printf("\tI_D: %i\n",I_D); if(I_D<50) printf("\tTem propencao a doencas cardiacas\n"); else if(I_D>50) printf("\tTem propencao a doencas respiratorias\n"); else printf("\tNada se pode afirmar sobre suas propencao as doencas \n"); top_IDS(I_D,&lin_1); return 0; } int habilidades(int soma_guanina,int soma_adenina) { if(soma_adenina>10) printf("\tTem propensäo a atividades esportivas\n"); else if(soma_guanina>10) printf("\tTem propensäo a atividades artisticas\n"); else printf("\tNada se pode afirmar sobre suas habilidades\n"); return 0; } int cria_complementar(char ler_linha[],char complementar[]) { int contador=0; int qtd_A=0,qtd_T=0,qtd_C=0,qtd_G=0; int soma_AT=0,soma_CG=0; for(contador=0; contador<10; contador++) { if(ler_linha[contador]=='A') { complementar[contador]='T'; qtd_A++; } else if(ler_linha[contador]=='T') { complementar[contador]='A'; qtd_T++; } else if(ler_linha[contador]=='C') { complementar[contador]='G'; qtd_C++; } else { complementar[contador]='C'; qtd_G++; } } printf("\t"); soma_AT=(qtd_A+qtd_T); soma_CG=(qtd_C+qtd_G); for(contador=0; contador<10; contador++) { printf("%c",complementar[contador]); } printf("\n\tA:%i T:%i C:%i G:%i",soma_AT,soma_AT,soma_CG,soma_CG); printf("\n\tA:%i%% T:%i%% C:%i%% G:%i%%\n\n",(soma_AT*100)/20,(soma_AT*100)/20,(soma_CG*100)/20,(soma_CG*100)/20); habilidades(soma_CG,soma_AT); calcular_peso(ler_linha,&qtd_G,&qtd_C); return 0; } int main() { char bases[11],base_2[11]; FILE *arquivo; arquivo = fopen("DNAS.txt","r"); if(arquivo==NULL) { printf("O arquivo nao pode ser lido\n"); system("pause"); return 0; } while(fgets(bases,11,arquivo)!=NULL) { printf("\n"); fgetc(arquivo); printf("\t%s\n",bases); cria_complementar(bases,base_2); system("pause"); system("cls"); } fclose(arquivo); return 0; } A leitura do arquivo é na seguinte formatação: CGATGCATGC Várias linhas usando apenas ATCG e a impressão no arquivo é a mesma linha seguido de um número. A: Primeira coisa que eu reparei int top_IDS(int ID_DNA, char *linhas[]) { FILE *arquivo; arquivo=fopen("MEL_PIOR.txt","a"); fflush(stdin); fputs(linhas,arquivo); ... 0) Não verificas se o fopen() funcionou correctamente 0) o fflush(stdin); não parece ter ligação com o resto do código desta função 1) fputs() aceita uma string e um FILE*, mas linhas não é uma string Sem ler o resto do código não sei como solucionar. Liga o máximo de warnings que o teu compilador permite. Em princípio ele devia avisar que a chamada ao fputs() é incorrecta. Ou chamas fputs() com cada um dos elementos de linhas for (k = 0; k < nlinhas; k++) fputs(linhas[k], arquivo); Ou re-defines a função para aceitar uma string em vez dum array de strings int top_IDS(int ID_DNA, char *linhas)

Introduction {#Sec1} ============ Small heat-shock proteins (sHSPs) are a diverse family of proteins that share a conserved ≈ 90-residue α-crystallin domain (ACD) that is flanked by variable N- and C-terminal regions (Basha et al. [@CR3]; Hilton et al. [@CR17]; McHaourab et al. [@CR28]). Although sHSPs are relatively small as monomers (12 to 42 kDa), the majority assemble into large oligomers. These range in size from 12 to \> 40 subunits, with some family members being monodisperse and others forming polydisperse ensembles (Basha et al. [@CR3]; Hilton et al. [@CR17]; McHaourab et al. [@CR28]). Found in all kingdoms of life, many sHSPs have been demonstrated in vitro to act as ATP-independent molecular chaperones with the ability to capture denaturing proteins in a partially unfolded form such that they can be reactivated by the cell's ATP-dependent chaperones. Recent reviews have described models for this canonical mechanism of sHSP chaperone action; however, details are derived primarily from in vitro studies with recombinant proteins and model interactors from non-homologous organisms (Haslbeck and Vierling [@CR16]; Treweek et al. [@CR40]). Thus, a major gap in our understanding of sHSP mechanism is the considerable lack of information about which substrates they protect in the cell. In order to investigate the properties of proteins that are sHSP interactors, we identified HSP16.6 from the single-celled cyanobacterium *Synechocystis* sp. PCC 6803 (hereafter *Synechocystis*) as an ideal system to interrogate. HSP16.6 is the only sHSP in *Synechocystis* (Giese and Vierling [@CR12]; Lee et al. [@CR25]). It is strongly induced at high temperature, and cells deleted for HSP16.6 (Δ16.6) grow normally at optimal growth temperature but are sensitive to heat stress (Giese and Vierling [@CR12], [@CR13]). The temperature-sensitivity phenotype of Δ16.6 cells has enabled studies of sHSP properties required for activity in vivo in a homologous system. Crucially, point mutations in the N-terminal domain were found to decrease heat tolerance in vivo, but to have no effect on the efficiency of chaperone function in assays with model substrates in vitro (Giese et al. [@CR14]). This observation emphasizes the need to identify native interactors of sHSPs and renders *Synechocystis* an excellent system with which to do so. We previously used immunoprecipitation and mass spectrometry (MS)-based proteomics to identify 13 proteins associated in vivo with HSP16.6 from *Synechocystis* cells that had been heat-stressed prior to cell lysis (Basha et al. [@CR2]). Notably, these 13 proteins were not detected in equivalent pull-downs from cells that had not been heat-stressed, or when recombinant HSP16.6 was added to heat-stressed Δ16.6 cells before lysis (to control for sHSP-protein interactions that might occur in the lysate, as opposed to during heat stress in vivo). Although these proteins were associated with the sHSP in the soluble cell fraction, they were also found in the insoluble cell fraction after heat stress (Basha et al. [@CR2]). All of these proteins, whose functions span a variety of cellular processes, including translation, transcription, secondary metabolism, and cell signaling, could be released from the immunoprecipitate by addition of DnaK, co-chaperones, and ATP (Basha et al. [@CR2]). In addition, one of these interactors, a serine esterase, when purified, was shown to be heat sensitive and to associate with HSP16.6 and thereby be protected from insolubilization (Basha et al. [@CR2]). While these data identified 13 proteins as potential interactors for canonical sHSP chaperone function, their relatively small number meant it was not possible to derive any common protein features that might dictate interaction with the sHSP. Here, we have extended the identification of HSP16.6-interactors to a total of 83 proteins by performing an affinity pull-down from heat-stressed *Synechocystis*. By performing rigorous bioinformatic analyses, we provide new insights into the primary and secondary structural properties of proteins that interact with sHSPs in the soluble cell fraction during stress. We also catalogue the functions of the interactors and compare these to sHSP interactors previously identified in two other prokaryotes, *Escherichia coli* and *Deinococcus radiodurans* (Bepperling et al. [@CR4]; Fu et al. [@CR10]). Our combined results indicate that sHSPs protect a specific yet diverse set of proteins from aggregation in the cell. Methods {#Sec2} ======= Affinity isolation of HSP16.6-interacting proteins {#Sec3} -------------------------------------------------- Isogenic *Synechocystis* strains were used in which the wild-type HSP16.6 gene had been replaced with a spectinomycin resistance gene (*aadA* gene) (ΔHSP16.6 strain) or with the spectinomycin gene and HSP16.6 carrying a Strep-tag II affinity tag (WSHPQFEK) on the C-terminus (HSP16.6-Strep strain) (Basha et al. [@CR2]). This HSP16.6-Strep strain had been shown previously to behave like wild type in assays of heat tolerance (Basha et al. [@CR2]), and recombinant HSP16.6-strep protein was equivalent to untagged protein in assays of chaperone activity in vitro (Friedrich et al. [@CR9]). Cells were grown in 50-mL cultures at 30 °C as described previously to *A*~730~ ≈ 0.2 (Basha et al. [@CR2]) and then subjected to treatment at 42 °C for 2 h followed by 1 h recovery at 30 °C, to allow accumulation of HSP16.6-Strep protein. Control samples were prepared directly after this treatment, while heat-stressed samples were treated for an additional 30 min at 46 °C. To control for interaction of HSP16.6-Strep protein during sample processing, recombinant HSP16.6-Strep protein was added to heat-stressed samples of the ΔHSP16.6 strain directly after heat treatment at a concentration matching that in heat-stressed cells. Cells were harvested, suspended in 1.5 mL lysis buffer (25 mM HEPES-KOH, 0.2 M NaCl, 0.5% Triton X-100, 5 mM ϵ-aminocaproic acid, 1 mM benzamidine, 1 μg mL^−1^ leupeptin, and 1 mM EDTA, pH 7.5), and opened as described previously (Basha et al. [@CR2]). The soluble fraction was mixed with 30 μL of Strep-Tactin resin (Sigma) at 4 °C for 2 h. Resin was washed six times in lysis buffer, and bound proteins were eluted using either sample buffer (for SDS-PAGE) or isoelectric focusing (IEF) rehydration buffer (for 2D gels) (7.0 M urea, 2.5 M thiourea, 2% CHAPS, 2% IPG buffer pH 3--10 NL (Amersham Biotech), and 3 mg mL^−1^ dithiothreitol). For 2D gel analysis, pH 3--10 NL first dimension strips (18 cm; Amersham Biotech) were rehydrated overnight at room temperature using 600 μL of sample in IEF rehydration buffer. IEF was carried out for 2 h at 150 V, 2 h at 300 V, 5 h at 500 V, and 7 h at 3500 V. The second dimension was separated by 11--17% SDS-PAGE for 30 min at 15 mA and then for 7 h at 25 mA. Samples were also separated by SDS-PAGE according to standard protocols, using 8% acrylamide gels in order to afford good separation of proteins above 100 kDa, which are typically not well resolved on the 2D system. Gels were silver stained according to a previous protocol (Rabilloud [@CR33])*.* Protein identification by means of mass spectrometry {#Sec4} ---------------------------------------------------- Proteins unique to the heat-stressed HSP16.6-Strep sample were excised from 1D or 2D gels and digested with trypsin, and peptides were prepared for MS as described previously (Basha et al. [@CR2]). Peptide extracts were introduced onto a 100-μm I.D. × 5-cm C18 column using an autosampler and separated with a 25-min gradient of 2--100% acetonitrile in 0.5% formic acid. The column eluate was directed into a Thermo Finnigan LCQ Deca ion trap mass spectrometer. The mass range scanned was 400 to 1500 *m*/*z*, and data-dependent scanning was used to select the three most abundant ions in each parent scan for tandem MS. Peptides were searched using SEQUEST and allowed for static modification of Cys (57 Da; iodoacetamidation), and differential modification of Met (16 Da; oxidation) was considered. X correlation cutoffs of 2.0 for 2+ ions, 3.0 for 3+ ions, and delta Xcorr \> 0.05 were applied, and data were sorted using DTASelect (Tabb et al. [@CR39]). The complete list of 83 proteins identified as HSP16.6 interaction partners from these and our previous experiments (Basha et al. [@CR2]) is given in Supplemental Table [1](#MOESM1){ref-type="media"}. For the purpose of comparisons and calculations, this set is considered to represent sHSP interactors and denoted *I*, where \|*I*\| = 83. Known protein-protein interactions (PPIs) from yeast-2-hybrid experiments are available for *Synechocystis* (Sato et al. [@CR38]). We identified all PPIs made by members of *I* (Supplemental Table [1](#MOESM1){ref-type="media"}), excluding PPIs that were not identified with multiple positive prey clones, in order to avoid false positives. Bioinformatic analyses {#Sec5} ---------------------- The *Synechocystis* sp. PCC 6803 genome (Kaneko et al. [@CR22]; Kotani et al. [@CR23]) was obtained from CyanoBase, [http://genome.microbedb.jp/cyanobase/](http://genome.microbedb.jp/cyanobase) (Nakamura et al. [@CR31]). A set *G* representing the genome, containing all proteins such that *I* ⊆ *G*, was created from the protein-coding sequences in the genome. Only proteins with estimated isoelectric point (pI) within the range 4--9.5 and mass *m* between 10 and 200 kDa, corresponding to the range of proteins that could be identified in either the 1D or 2D gels, were included (see [Supporting Information](#Sec13){ref-type="sec"}). This filtering resulted in *G* comprising 3021 proteins (i.e., \|*G*\| = 3021), which amounts to \> 80% of the proteins encoded in the genome. The mass, sequence length *n*~aa~, and abundance (absolute numbers *n*~*F*~ and frequencies *f*~*F*~ = *n*~*F*~/*n*~aa~) of various sequence features *F* were determined for every protein. These were DnaK-binding motifs; VQL, IXI, and \[I/L/V\]X\[I/L/V\] motifs (where X refers to any amino acid); charged (D,E,H,K,R), positive (H,K,R), negative (D,E), and hydrophobic (C,F,I,L,M,V,W) residues. DnaK-binding motifs were identified using a previously described algorithm (Van Durme et al. [@CR41]), and the other motifs were found through *regexp* pattern-matching using the Python Standard Library. Long-range disorder was predicted with IUPred (Dosztanyi et al. [@CR6], [@CR7]) using default parameters, and residues with a score \> 0.5 were considered unstructured. For the remainder, secondary structure was predicted from the sequences using the EMBOSS (Rice et al. [@CR34]) implementation of the GOR method. β-strands and β-turns were pooled together into "β-structures." Average abundances were calculated separately for *I* and *G*. Statistical significance testing and representation {#Sec6} --------------------------------------------------- A bootstrapping approach was employed to assess the statistical significance of any differences between *I* and *G*. First, a random subset, *R*, was taken from *G* by arbitrarily picking, with replacement, of 83 proteins (i.e., *R* ⊆ *G* and \|*R*\| = \|*I*\|). The mean, $\documentclass[12pt]{minimal} \usepackage{amsmath} \usepackage{wasysym} \usepackage{amsfonts} \usepackage{amssymb} \usepackage{amsbsy} \usepackage{mathrsfs} \usepackage{upgreek} \setlength{\oddsidemargin}{-69pt} \begin{document}$$ {\overline{Q}}_R $$\end{document}$, was then calculated for the given quantity of interest *Q*, to allow comparison with $\documentclass[12pt]{minimal} \usepackage{amsmath} \usepackage{wasysym} \usepackage{amsfonts} \usepackage{amssymb} \usepackage{amsbsy} \usepackage{mathrsfs} \usepackage{upgreek} \setlength{\oddsidemargin}{-69pt} \begin{document}$$ {\overline{Q}}_I $$\end{document}$, the mean calculated from *I* for the same quantity. This was repeated *N* times, after which the *p* value was calculated as the frequency by which $\documentclass[12pt]{minimal} \usepackage{amsmath} \usepackage{wasysym} \usepackage{amsfonts} \usepackage{amssymb} \usepackage{amsbsy} \usepackage{mathrsfs} \usepackage{upgreek} \setlength{\oddsidemargin}{-69pt} \begin{document}$$ {\overline{Q}}_R\ge {\overline{Q}}_I $$\end{document}$ or $\documentclass[12pt]{minimal} \usepackage{amsmath} \usepackage{wasysym} \usepackage{amsfonts} \usepackage{amssymb} \usepackage{amsbsy} \usepackage{mathrsfs} \usepackage{upgreek} \setlength{\oddsidemargin}{-69pt} \begin{document}$$ {\overline{Q}}_R\le {\overline{Q}}_I $$\end{document}$, in the respective cases of $\documentclass[12pt]{minimal} \usepackage{amsmath} \usepackage{wasysym} \usepackage{amsfonts} \usepackage{amssymb} \usepackage{amsbsy} \usepackage{mathrsfs} \usepackage{upgreek} \setlength{\oddsidemargin}{-69pt} \begin{document}$$ {\overline{Q}}_I>{\overline{Q}}_G $$\end{document}$ and $\documentclass[12pt]{minimal} \usepackage{amsmath} \usepackage{wasysym} \usepackage{amsfonts} \usepackage{amssymb} \usepackage{amsbsy} \usepackage{mathrsfs} \usepackage{upgreek} \setlength{\oddsidemargin}{-69pt} \begin{document}$$ {\overline{Q}}_I<{\overline{Q}}_G $$\end{document}$. For each quantity, a total of *N* = 100,000 iterations was run, and the statistical significance was tested at the 0.01 level. Kernel density estimates were plotted for all quantities where a statistically significant difference was found. A Gaussian kernel with a bandwidth equal to 2% of the visible range was used in all cases and the amplitude was set such that the integrated density was equal to the number of proteins in each set. As such, the amplitudes are inversely proportional to the ranges along the *x*-axis, and their heights can thus differ substantially between distributions. Moreover, the *y*-axes' ranges were chosen to make the *I* and *G* distributions occupy the same visible area in the resulting plot. Biological function analysis {#Sec7} ---------------------------- A PANTHER Overrepresentation Test (release 20170413) against the GO Ontology database (release 20170926) was made for all proteins in *I*, using the *Synechocystis* reference list and the "GO biological process complete" annotation data set. Bonferroni correction was applied for multiple testing, and a *p* value cut-off of 0.05 was used to filter the results. Proteins that were not mapped to any entry in the reference list were added to the set of "unclassified" proteins. Enrichment was defined as *n*~*p*~/E(*n*~*p*~), where *n*~*p*~ is the number of proteins in *I* being ascribed to biological process *p*, and E(*n*~*p*~) is the expected number of such proteins based on their frequency in *G* and the size of *I*. Proteins that were assigned to the GO-class "biological process" but not to any of its subclasses were given the collective label "other biological process." Since a single protein can have multiple classifications, the sum of proteins in the different classes exceeds \|*I*\|. Protein BLAST (Altschul et al. [@CR1]) was used to find orthologs among the interactors identified for HSP16.6 in *Synechocystis*, IbpB in *E. coli* (Fu et al. [@CR10]), and HSP20.2 in *D. radiodurans* (Bepperling et al. [@CR4]). Three pairwise comparisons were made to define the overlap between the sets of interactors, where the list of interactors from one organism was used as the "database" and the list of interactors from the other as the "query." Using *E. coli* as the database yielded poorly annotated hits; hence, the primary database was set to be *Synechocystis* and the secondary database to be *D. radiodurans*. An *E* value cut-off of 10^−10^ was used for all BLAST searches, and whenever a protein in the query yielded several matches the one with the lowest *E* value was chosen. Lastly, the overlap between *E. coli* and *D. radiodurans* was used as a query against *Synechocystis* in order to find the overlap between the interactors in all three organisms. The triply overlapping set of proteins were also analyzed for an overrepresentation test in *Synechocystis* as described above, but without imposing a *p* value because of the small number of proteins in the query. Results {#Sec8} ======= Identification of proteins associated with HSP16.6 during heat stress in vivo {#Sec9} ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- To identify a larger number of HSP16.6-associated proteins than we did previously (Basha et al. [@CR2]), we developed a *Synechocystis* strain in which the wild-type *HSP16.6* gene was replaced with an *HSP16.6* gene modified to encode a Strep-tag II at the C-terminus. HSP16.6-Strep was shown to complement HSP16.6 in vivo in thermotolerance assays (Basha et al. [@CR2]), as well as functioning in vitro to protect model interactors from irreversible heat-denaturation (Friedrich et al. [@CR9]). The HSP16.6-Strep strain and an isogenic strain carrying wild-type HSP16.6 were subjected to mild heat stress to allow accumulation of the sHSP and then to a short, more severe heat stress to maximize association of thermally unstable proteins with the sHSP. The soluble cell fraction from control and heat-stressed cells of the HSP16.6-Strep and HSP16.6 strains was subjected to Strep-Tactin affinity chromatography and the recovered proteins compared by means of 2D electrophoresis (or, to examine high molecular mass proteins, by using 1D electrophoresis) (Fig. [1](#Fig1){ref-type="fig"}). Individual spots or bands unique to proteins affinity-purified with HSP16.6-Strep from the heat stress samples were excised and subjected to MS analysis.Fig. 1Identification of HSP16.6 interactors. **a** SDS-PAGE separation of proteins recovered in association with HSP16.6-Strep in cells grown at 30 °C and treated at 42 °C for 2 h plus 1 h recovery at 30 °C to allow sHSP accumulation (control sample, C) or further treated with an additional 30 min at 46 °C (heat-stressed sample, HS). To recover proteins in the high molecular mass range, separation was performed using an 8% acrylamide gel, and the position of molecular mass markers is indicated. Bands that were excised for analysis are annotated with red dashes. Double-width dashes indicate bands that gave hits for proteins associated with protein-folding processes. **b** 2D gel separation of samples prepared as described in **a**. The position of molecular mass markers and the acidic (+) and basic (−) sides of the silver-stained 2D gels are indicated. Spots that were excised and yielded the reported data are annotated with red circles (right panel). The ellipse in each panel indicates the spots due to HSP16.6 We identified a total of 72 proteins in these experiments which, when combined with others we had identified previously (Basha et al. [@CR2]), expanded to a total of 83. Notably, the proteins were recovered from the soluble fraction, so they do not represent those that underwent excessive aggregation, or associations with membranes and cytoskeletal elements that may have led to partitioning into the pellet. As such, these proteins represent potential sHSP interactors that have been prevented from insolubilization by interaction with HSP16.6. We denote this set of interactors *I*, representing a subset of the genome *G* detectable in our experiments. This allows us to test hypotheses about the features of these interactors to shed light on what distinguishes them from the other proteins in *Synechocystis*. Though many of the interactors have known PPIs, based on cross-referencing to genome-wide yeast-2-hybrid data (Sato et al. [@CR38]) (Supplementary Table [1](#MOESM1){ref-type="media"}), notably there are only three described pairwise PPIs within *I*, and all three of these are self-associations. To see if this low count was an artifact from our conservative approach of excluding PPIs that were identified with only one prey clone, we also tested including the latter, which presumably yields more false positives. This increased the number of pairwise PPIs within *I* to 12, including six self-interactions, which is still a small subset of *I*. Consequently, the proteins in *I* appear largely independent of each other in their interaction with HSP16.6, consistent with our affinity-isolate methodology being sensitive to stable interactors. Primary- and secondary-structure features of HSP16.6 interactors {#Sec10} ---------------------------------------------------------------- We first compared the average mass and sequence lengths of the interactors to the genome. We found that these were very different, with the interactors being about 60% larger on average (Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"}, Fig. [2](#Fig2){ref-type="fig"}a, b). While this is informative about the interactor profile of HSP16.6, it also means that the absolute number, *n*~*F*~ of any feature *F*, is likely to be larger for the interactors. To account for this, all subsequent analyses are consequently focused on fractional quantities, *f*~*F*~, which are normalized by sequence length in order to reveal distinctive features for the proteins associated with HSP16.6.Table 1Comparison of various primary- and secondary-structure features between interactors of HSP16.6 in *Synechocystis* with the wider genome. Mean values obtained for the proteins in *I* and *G*, along with *p* values for the differences between themQuantityInteractors, *I*Genome, *Gp* value*m*/Da**57,86036,561\< 10** ^**−5**^*n* ~aa~**525336\< 10** ^**−5**^*f* ~DNAK~**0.01980.285\< 10** ^**−5**^*f* ~VQL~0.0003350.0002740.27*f* ~IXI~0.003490.003050.15*f* ~\[ILV\]X\[ILV\]~**0.03780.04260.002**pI5.225.630.036*f* ~Charged~**0.2520.2306.0∙10** ^**−5**^*f* ~+~0.1180.1150.24*f* ~−~**0.1340.114\< 10** ^**−5**^*f* ~H-phobic~**0.3090.3311.0∙10** ^**−5**^*f* ~d~0.0860.0580.015*f* ~β~**0.3550.415\< 10** ^**−5**^*f* ~α~**0.3830.3383.1∙10** ^*−5*^Bold text indicates statistically significant differences, defined as *p* \< 0.01Fig. 2Probability distributions of the statistically significant differences identified in Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"}. **a**, **b** The distributions of protein mass (**a**) and sequence length (**b**) for *I* and *G*. The proteins in *I* are on average approximately 60% larger than those in *G*, both in terms of mass and sequence length. **c**, **d** Distributions of frequencies of \[I/L/V\]X\[I/L/V\] motifs (**c**) and DnaK-binding motifs (**d**). Both sequence features are less frequent and more narrowly distributed in *I*. **e**--**g** The fraction of hydrophobic (**e**), charged (**f**), and negative (**g**) residues. Charged residues are more frequent in *I*, which can be attributed to a higher fraction of negatively charged residues and a lower fraction of hydrophobic residues. **h**, **i** Fraction of residues with predominately helical (α and 3~10~, **h**) propensity and β-structure (sheet and turn, **i**). The helix content is higher in *I* than in *G*, and conversely, the β-structure content is lower in *I*. The distributions were normalized such that their integral equals the number of proteins in each set. Consequently, the amplitudes are inversely proportional to the width of the distributions, and the amplitudes of the two distributions in each panel reflect the different sizes of the two sets We judged that certain sequence motifs might be implicated in the association of interactors with sHSPs. To develop hypotheses for testing, we considered a model in which interfaces that allow the sHSP to self-assemble might be the same as interactor binding sites (Jacobs et al. [@CR20]). In this context, the inter-monomer contact made between the highly conserved "IXI" motif in the C-terminal region and the β4--β8 groove of the ACD has been proposed as an auto-inhibitory interface (Jehle et al. [@CR21]; van Montfort et al. [@CR42]). Theorizing that IXI motifs might mediate contacts with the sHSPs, we therefore asked whether they were differentially represented in the interactors. We also posed this question in a more general form, by searching for motifs matching the requirement \[I/L/V\]X\[I/L/V\], which is more encompassing across the breadth of sHSPs (Poulain et al. [@CR32]). Furthermore, we searched for VQL motifs, as this corresponds to the specific manifestation of the "IXI" in HSP16.6. Comparing the fractional abundance of these motifs (*f*~IXI~, *f*~\[ILV\]X\[ILV\]~, *f*~VQL~, respectively) between the interactors and the genome, we found there to be no meaningful difference for IXI and VQL, but the general form \[I/L/V\]X\[I/L/V\] was significantly under-represented in the interactors (Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"}, Fig. [2](#Fig2){ref-type="fig"}c). sHSPs are thought to transfer interactors to the DnaK (HSP70 in eukaryotes) system for ATP-dependent refolding (Haslbeck and Vierling [@CR16]). We therefore hypothesized that the presence of DnaK-binding motifs (Rudiger et al. [@CR36]), which mediate association with this downstream chaperone, might be different between the interactors and the genome. We found the fractional abundance of DnaK motifs (*f*~DnaK~) to be \> 30% lower in the interactors (Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"}, Fig. [2](#Fig2){ref-type="fig"}d). We next considered electrochemical properties of the proteins. The difference in pI between the interactors and genome was just outside our significance criterion (*p* = 0.036 \> 0.01). However, when examining the fraction of charged residues (*f*~Charged~), we discovered it to be higher in the interactors. By investigating negatively and positively charged residues separately (*f*~−~ and *f*~+~, respectively), we found this difference to be due to the former, with negatively charged residues \> 16% more abundant in the interactors. Conversely, the genome contains a higher fractional abundance of hydrophobic residues (*f*~H-phobic~) (Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"}, Fig. [2](#Fig2){ref-type="fig"}e--g). Lastly, we asked whether predicted secondary structure differed between the two sets. The fraction of residues in disordered regions (*f*~*d*~) is insignificantly higher in the interactors, albeit very near our threshold (*p* = 0.015 ≈ 0.01). For the structured regions, on average, the interactors had a higher fraction of residues in helices (*f*~α~) and lower fraction in β-structures (*f*~β~), compared to the proteins in the wider genome (Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"}, Fig. [2](#Fig2){ref-type="fig"}h, i). Functional classification of HSP16.6-associated proteins {#Sec11} -------------------------------------------------------- Where possible, interactors were classified according to their gene-ontology annotation into either "metabolic process," "cellular process," or "other biological process." Many proteins were assigned to multiple classes, and 15 proteins could not be matched to the reference list and were added to the set of unclassified proteins, which then comprised 24 proteins. This classification yielded different distributions of processes in *I* and *G* (Fig. [3](#Fig3){ref-type="fig"}a), indicating that HSP16.6 has an interaction profile that reflects the biological function of its interactors. To quantify the differences, we calculated the overrepresentation of proteins involved in the various biological processes (Fig. [3](#Fig3){ref-type="fig"}b). The data reveal statistically significant enrichment of proteins ascribed to certain biological processes in the interactors, suggesting that HSP16.6 makes function-specific interactions. The most striking association was for proteins involved in protein folding, with 6 out of the 19 known such proteins being found in *I* (Table [2](#Tab2){ref-type="table"}), corresponding to a thirteen-fold enrichment.Fig. 3Classification of proteins involved in different gene-ontology annotations of biological processes. **a** Pie charts show the extent of different classes in *I* and *G*. The most fundamental classes have labels in bold face. Note that "cellular metabolic process" belongs to both "metabolic process" and "cellular process" and is therefore represented by two colors. **b** Enrichment within *I* of proteins taking part in the various biological processes. Circle areas reflect the number of proteins in *I*, and numbers indicate proteins in *I* and *G*. *I* contains a smaller fraction of unclassified proteins than *G*, and all classes are somewhat enriched in *I*. Proteins involved in protein folding are enriched thirteen-fold, with 6 of the 19 such proteins known being found among the interactors. Inset: Same analysis performed for the 10 overlapping proteins from the analysis in (**c**). In all featured classes, the fold-enrichment is higher. **c** Venn diagram showing the overlap of sHSP interactor ranges from *Synechocystis*, *E. coli*, and *D. radiodurans*. Note that, with the exception of the intersection of the three sets, all areas of the diagram reflect the number of elements withinTable 2The six interactors of *Synechocystis* HSP16.6 annotated as belonging to the "protein folding" categoryGeneUniProt IDNamesll0058Q55154DnaK 1sll0170P22358DnaK 2sll1932P73098DnaK 3slr2076Q0597260 kDa chaperonin 1sll0533Q55511Trigger factor (TF)slr1251P73789Peptidyl-prolyl cis-trans isomerase To compare HSP16.6-interactors with those identified in other prokaryotes, we cross-referenced our list with those reported as IbpB interactors in *E*. *coli* (Fu et al. [@CR10]), and HSP20.2 in *D. radiodurans* (Bepperling et al. [@CR4]) (Fig. [3](#Fig3){ref-type="fig"}c). There were unique orthologs for 17 HSP16.6 interactors among the 113 IbpB interactors and 17 for the 101 HSP20.2 interactors. The overlap between IbpB and HSP20.2 interactors was larger still, comprising 36 unique orthologs. A total of 10 proteins were found in all three sets of interactors. Notably, these overlaps are much larger than one would expect by chance (approximately 3 for each pairwise overlap, and fewer than 1 for the triple overlap). Interestingly, these proteins were also diverse, spanning multiple biological processes, with only one eluding classification (Table [3](#Tab3){ref-type="table"}, Fig. [3](#Fig3){ref-type="fig"}b inset). With the exception of the "protein folding" and "other biological process," which were not represented at all in this subset, all categories were even more overrepresented than in the complete list of HSP16.6 interactors. We note that the small number of proteins precluded low *p* values for the levels of enrichment for the individual categories. Taken together, they nonetheless indicate that the enrichment pattern seen for the *Synechocystis* interactors is particularly prominent for the interactors that are common for all three sHSPs, with the striking exception of the protein-folding interactors, which might be a species- or sHSP-specific phenomenon, or the result of differences in the methods used for recovering interacting proteins.Table 3Proteins that we associated to all three of HSP16.6 (*Synechocystis*), IbpB (*E. coli*), and HSP20.2 (*D. radiodurans*). The GO annotations for biological processes are coded as follows: metabolic process (MP), cellular process (CP), nitrogen-compound metabolic process (NCMP), primary metabolic process (PMP), biosynthetic process (BP), organic substance metabolic process (OSMP), cellular metabolic process (CMP), and unclassified (U). In some cases, two distinct IbpB or HSP20.2 interactors would correspond to an HSP16.6 interactor, in which case, both UniProt IDs were included in the table*Synechocystis* geneUniProd ID\ *Synechocystis*\ *E. coli*\ *D. radiodurans*NameGO biological processsll0018Q55664\ G64976n\ NP_295312.1Fructose-bisphosphate aldolase, class IIMP, CP, NCMP, PMP, OSMP, CMPsll1099P74227\ NP_289744.1, pdb\|1EFC\|A\ NP_295522.1Elongation factor TuMP, CP, NCMP, PMP, BP, OSMP, CMPsll1180P74176\ NP_287490.1\ NP_295291.1Toxin secretion ABC transporter ATP-binding proteinCP, NCMP, PMP, OSMPsll1326P27179\ CAA23519.1\ NP_294424.1ATP synthase alpha chainMP, CP, NCMP, PMP, BP, OSMP, CMPsll1787P77965\ AAC43085.1\ NP_294636.1RNA polymerase beta subunitMP, CP, NCMP, PMP, BP, OSMP, CMPsll1789P73334\ NP_290619.1\ NP_294635.1RNA polymerase beta' subunitMP, CP, NCMP, PMP, BP, OSMP, CMPsll1818P73297\ CAA37838.1\ NP_295851.1RNA polymerase alpha subunitMP, CP, NCMP, PMP, BP, OSMP, CMPsll1841P74510\ NP_285811.1, NP_286443.1\ NP_293809.1, NP_293979.1Pyruvate dehydrogenase dihydrolipoamide acetyltransferase component (E2)MPslr0542P54416\ NP_286179.1\ NP_295695.1ATP-dependent protease ClpPMP, NCMP, PMP, OSMPslr1105P72749\ NP_289127.1\ NP_294922.1GTP-binding protein TypA/BipA homologU Discussion {#Sec12} ========== Here, we have examined the properties of 83 proteins that associate in vivo with HSP16.6 under conditions of heat stress. Given that the proteins were obtained from the soluble supernatant after centrifugation, they are likely to under-represent membrane- and cytoskeleton-associated proteins. Furthermore, as our experiment involves affinity pull-downs, these interactors are inevitably restricted to those that form interactions that are stable on the timescale of the experiment. In the context of the model proposed for sHSPs wherein they display both a low-affinity mode with high capacity, and a high-affinity mode with low capacity (McHaourab et al. [@CR28]), our interactors are likely representative of the latter. Notwithstanding these potential biases of the experiment, we have shown that the interactors were on average larger than the proteins in the genome, have a distinct electrochemical profile, an increased fraction of helical secondary structure, and a lower fraction of \[I/L/V\]X\[I/L/V\] and DnaK-binding motifs. We observed that HSP16.6 preferentially binds longer, more massive, proteins. This is in agreement with analysis of sHSP interactors *E. coli* and *D. radiodurans* (Fu et al. [@CR11]) and is interesting in light of recent data noting that thermally unstable proteins in cells are typically longer than those that are stable (Leuenberger et al. [@CR26]). Longer proteins might therefore be overrepresented in the interactors by virtue of being more likely to be destabilized by the heat-shock condition assayed here. Alternatively, or in addition, it is possible that longer proteins, by virtue of having more binding sites, might be held tighter by the sHSPs. This would stem from avidity effects resulting from the multivalency of sHSP oligomers (Hilton et al. [@CR17]), similar to observations made for other molecular chaperones (Huang et al. [@CR19]; Saio et al. [@CR37]). Upon considering amino acid motifs and composition, we found a lower fraction of \[I/L/V\]X\[I/L/V\] motifs in the interactors. This suggests that the β4--β8 groove, which binds this motif intra-molecularly in sHSP oligomers (Basha et al. [@CR3]; Hilton et al. [@CR17]), is not the binding site for these stable interactors. However, this does not preclude the β4--β8 groove being a site for low-affinity, or transient, interactions. This is consistent with the observation that the excised ACD can display potent chaperone activity (Cox et al. [@CR5]; Hochberg et al. [@CR18]). We also identified an overabundance of charged and, in particular negatively charged, residues in the interactors. A preponderance of charged residues was also observed for sHSP interactors in *E. coli* and *D. radiodurans* (Fu et al. [@CR11]). Notably, aspartates have been shown to be enriched in thermally unstable proteins (Leuenberger et al. [@CR26]), again hinting that thermal stability could be a key attribute for recognition by sHSPs. It is also interesting to consider the electrochemical profile of the sHSPs themselves, which have an overabundance of charged residues in the ACD and C-terminal region (Kriehuber et al. [@CR24]). As such, it is possible that there may be charge-complementarity aspects to binding. The depletion of DnaK-binding motifs in the HSP16.6 interactors is striking, particularly when considering that DnaK is able to release interactors from the complexes made with HSP16.6. This suggests that the DnaK-binding motif is not responsible for the recognition events that mediate interactor transfer between the chaperones. Instead, the DnaK-binding motif may be more reflective of DnaK's holdase, rather than refoldase activity. In this way, proteins that are not protected by the sHSPs are captured by HSP70 instead (Mayer and Bukau [@CR27]). The interactors are also enriched in α-helical propensity and depleted in β-structure. It is possible that, based on the observation that there is little cooperativity in the folding of β-sheets (Wu and Zhao [@CR43]), this may be reflective of physico-chemical differences in re- or unfolding. Gene-ontology analysis demonstrates that, while capable of associating with many interactors, HSP16.6 nonetheless does so with statistically significant specificity, evidenced by varying enrichments for different biological processes. This observation is validated by the overlap between *Synechocystis*, *E. coli*, and *D. radiodurans* sHSP interactors. The notion that sHSPs have specific interactors in the cell also extends to eukaryotes, where different sHSPs found in the same cellular compartment have differing interactor profiles (Fleckenstein et al. [@CR8]; McLoughlin et al. [@CR29]; Mymrikov et al. [@CR30]). The most enriched groups of proteins associated with HSP16.6 were other components of the protein folding machinery. We interpret this as due to HSP16.6 being part of a tightly linked molecular chaperone network (Gong et al. [@CR15]), collaborating to prevent and reverse improper protein interactions in the wider heat-shock response of the cell (Richter et al. [@CR35]). Possibly, these interactions are indirect, captured due to HSP16.6 and other protein-folding components acting on the same substrates. An indirect interaction with protein-folding components could also explain the lack of equivalent proteins in the *E. coli* sHSP interactors (Fu et al. [@CR10]), as the previous report employed covalent-crosslinking and urea solubilization prior to immunoprecipitation. The *D. radiodurans* interactors were identified by a different method, employing ex vivo addition of purified HSP20.2 to cell lysates, prior to heat stress and immunoprecipitation. Given the differences in methodology between these studies, we suggest that those proteins comprising common interactors are highly significant (Table [3](#Tab3){ref-type="table"}). In sum, our study provides an initial view of the functional interactome of prokaryotic sHSPs and of *Synechocystis* in particular. In addition, the statistical framework we have implemented for examining sequence determinants can be applied to the analysis of the likely future profusion of proteomic data identifying molecular chaperone interactors in cells. Electronic supplementary material ================================= {#Sec13} ESM 1(DOCX 28 kb) The original version of this article was revised: Table 1 needed corrections. The DOI of the Erratum is: 10.1007/s12192-018-0901-6 **Electronic supplementary material** The online version of this article (10.1007/s12192-018-0884-3) contains supplementary material, which is available to authorized users. A correction to this article is available online at <https://doi.org/10.1007/s12192-018-0901-6>. **Change history** 5/3/2018 Table 1 in the original publication has been corrected. We thank Linda Breci (University of Arizona) for performing MS experiments and Georg Hochberg (University of Chicago) for helpful discussions. This work was supported by the Swedish Research Council and the European Commission for a Marie Skodowska Curie International Career Grant (2015-00559) to EGM, the Biotechnology and Biological Sciences Research Council (BB/K004247/1) to JLPB, and the National Institutes of Health (RO1 GM42762) to EV.

Buddha's Lost Children Buddha's Lost Children is a 2006 documentary film by Dutch director Mark Verkerk. The feature film tells the story of Khru Bah Neua Chai Kositto, a Buddhist monk who has dedicated his life to orphaned children in the Golden Triangle area of Thailand. The film opened in Dutch cinemas in September 2006. Awards The film won the International Documentary Grand Jury Prize (2006) at the Los Angeles AFI Fest , the Jury Award for Documentary (2007) at the Newport Beach Film Festival, the Best Global Insight Film (2007) at the Jackson Hole Film Festival , the David L. Wolper Best Documentary Award (2007) at the Napa Sonoma Valley Film Festival , the City of Rome Award (2006) at the Asiaticafilmmediale in Rome, the Crystal Film (2006) at the Netherlands Film Festival, and the Silver Dove (2006) at the Dok Leipzig . External links Category:2006 films Category:Dutch films Category:Thai-language films Category:Documentary films about Buddhism Category:Dutch documentary films Category:Documentary films about orphanages Category:2000s documentary films

Monte Carlo studies of three-dimensional O1 and O4 phi4 theory related to Bose-Einstein condensation phase transition temperatures. The phase transition temperature for the Bose-Einstein condensation (BEC) of weakly interacting Bose gases in three dimensions is known to be related to certain nonuniversal properties of the phase transition of three-dimensional O(2) symmetric phi(4) theory. These properties have been measured previously in Monte Carlo lattice simulations. They have also been approximated analytically, with moderate success, by large N approximations to O(N) symmetric phi(4) theory. To begin investigating the region of validity of the large N approximation in this application, the same Monte Carlo technique developed for the O(2) model [P. Arnold and G. Moore, Phys. Rev. E 64, 066113 (2001)] to O(1) and O(4) theories has been applied. The results indicate that there might exist some theoretically unanticipated systematic errors in the extrapolation of the continuum value from lattice Monte Carlo results. The final results show that the difference between simulations and next-to-leading order large N calculations does not improve significantly from N=2 to N=4. This suggests that one would need to simulate yet larger N's to see true large N scaling of the difference. Quite unexpectedly (and presumably accidentally), the Monte Carlo result for N=1 seems to give the best agreement with the large N approximation among the three cases.

Loyalty points, concert tickets and in-game items will soon appear on a new protocol built on the monero network. Called Tari, this new digital assets protocol will help support non-fungible tokens – tokens with unique properties, such as tickets with ownership information (think CryptoKitties) – said co-founder Naveen Jain. Monero project lead Riccardo Spagni, more commonly known as fluffypony, and entrepreneur Dan Teree are also part of the founding team, Jain told CoinDesk. Tari’s goal is to “support any kind of digital assets.” For example, one use case for the protocol would be to allow digital asset issuers to participate in the secondary market – meaning resales in particular. However, the protocol can also support items in video games or even native assets, Jain said, adding: “If you have a decentralized distributed trustless system that supports non-fungible tokens that enforces the rule sets around digital assets, that changes the game because now you have an opportunity for consumers to trade those digital assets.” Jain said he believes Tari’s approach to digital assets is unique for a variety of reasons, noting that “we don’t want to make a lot of future statements, we just want to prove ourselves along the way and we think that’s a great way to build trust and build our community.” He continued, saying “I think what sets our token apart is we’re maniacally focused on our use case. This isn’t an ethereum competitor.” More broadly, he believes protocols and networks looking at specific use cases may be more useful than general-purpose ones. “I think an important point to make in terms of how our space is evolving too -do we build a protocol that’s useful for every possible use case or do we build one that’s focused on one type of use case,” Jain concluded. Riccardo Spagni, Naveen Jain and Dan Teree image courtesy of Tari

Kevin Mansker Kevin Mansker (born ) is an American male track cyclist. He competed in the sprint event at the 2012 UCI Track Cycling World Championships. References External links Profile at cyclingarchives.com Category:1989 births Category:Living people Category:American track cyclists Category:American male cyclists Category:Place of birth missing (living people)

UNPUBLISHED UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS FOR THE FOURTH CIRCUIT No. 12-1195 MARY T. LACLAIR, Individually and as Personal Representative of the Estate of Cameron J. LaClair, Jr., Plaintiff – Appellant, v. SUBURBAN HOSPITAL, INCORPORATED, Defendant – Appellee, and PHYSICAL THERAPY AND SPORTS MEDICINE BINH M. TRAN, P.T., INC.; CATHERINE L. COELHO, M.P.T., f/k/a Catherine Chamberlain; SUBURBAN HOSPITAL FOUNDATION, INC.; SUBURBAN HOSPITAL HEALTHCARE SYSTEM, INC., Defendants. Appeal from the United States District Court for the District of Maryland, at Greenbelt. Peter J. Messitte, Senior District Judge. (8:10-cv-00896-PJM) ARGUED: January 31, 2013 Decided: April 15, 2013 Before TRAXLER, Chief Judge, and KEENAN, and THACKER, Circuit Judges. Affirmed by unpublished per curiam opinion. ARGUED: Patrick Michael Regan, REGAN ZAMBRI LONG & BERTRAM, Washington, D.C., for Appellant. Michael E. von Diezelski, ADELMAN, SHEFF & SMITH, LLC, Annapolis, Maryland, for Appellee. ON BRIEF: Jacqueline T. Colclough, REGAN ZAMBRI LONG & BERTRAM, Washington, D.C., for Appellant. Unpublished opinions are not binding precedent in this circuit. 2 PER CURIAM: Mary T. LaClair, individually and as personal representative of the estate of her husband, Cameron J. LaClair, Jr., appeals the district court’s order finding that the Appellee, Suburban Hospital, Inc. (“Suburban”), and Physical Therapy and Sports Medicine (“PTSM”), were joint tortfeasors with respect to her husband’s injuries sustained while he was a patient at Suburban. Mr. LaClair was first injured while receiving physical therapy at PTSM. After undergoing surgery at Suburban for that injury, he was further injured by the actions of Suburban’s patient care technicians. Suburban asks us to affirm the district court’s conclusion that it is a joint tortfeasor with PTSM because its actions did not constitute a superseding cause of harm to Mr. LaClair. In unraveling this appeal, Maryland law directs us to several provisions of the Restatement (Second) of Torts, each of which is grounded in the idea that an intervening act is not a superseding cause if it was foreseeable at the time of the primary negligence. Because the harm and injuries sustained at Suburban were foreseeable consequences of the alleged negligence of PTSM, Suburban’s actions were not a superseding cause of Mr. LaClair’s injuries. Thus, Suburban and PTSM are joint tortfeasors, and we affirm. 3  I. A. On November 1, 2007, Mr. LaClair, a “vibrant former CIA officer” in his mid-80s, J.A. 211, 1 sustained an injury while receiving physical therapy at the PTSM facility (the “November 1 incident”). He was attempting to secure himself in a piece of exercise equipment and fell onto the floor, while his physical therapist had stepped away. He was taken by ambulance to Suburban, where he was diagnosed with a cervical fracture and dislocation. Dr. Alexandros Powers, a neurosurgeon, performed surgery on Mr. LaClair on November 3, 2007. The surgery entailed Dr. Powers inserting screws and rods to secure Mr. LaClair’s spine. According to Dr. Powers, the surgery “was successful and proceeded without complication, and Mr. LaClair’s prognosis at that time included a complete and total recovery free from future cervical spine surgery.” J.A. 227. Dr. Powers stated that, as of the morning of November 6, 2007, Mr. LaClair was “recovered and was to be discharged [from Suburban] to a rehabilitation facility” the next day, and “there was no plan or expectation for subsequent cervical spine 1 Citations to the “J.A.” refer to the Joint Appendix filed by the parties in this appeal. 4 surgeries due to the success of the November 3 surgery[.]” J.A. 228. Later on November 6, Mr. LaClair was transferred from ICU to a regular room, and his catheter was removed. He needed assistance using the bathroom, and, after Mrs. LaClair called several times for assistance, two patient care technicians responded. Mr. LaClair used the bathroom, and the patient care technicians attempted to reposition him in his hospital bed. Although Suburban claims Mrs. LaClair “resort[s] to hyperbole when referring to the conduct of November 6,” and the patient care technicians, while perhaps negligent, were “performing their normal duties when they were aiding Mr. LaClair and repositioning him in bed,” Br. of Appellee 6, Mrs. LaClair views the incident as out of bounds because her husband’s “head was violently pushed against the side rail of the bed and he cried out in pain,” Br. of Appellant 4. Mrs. LaClair testified that one of the patient care technicians was “very rough,” explaining, “her motions were gross motions. They weren’t careful motions. And I thought, with somebody with a broken neck, I think I’d be careful, but there was none of that.” J.A. 362-63 (the “November 6 incident”). There is no dispute that Mr. LaClair sustained additional injuries as a result of the November 6 incident. Dr. Powers examined Mr. LaClair and found “a fracture of the C7 endplate, dislocation at C6/C7, dislodging of the screws placed 5 in previous surgery, ligament damage and hemorrhage, nerve root injury at the level of C7 and C8 and spinal cord injury.” J.A. 228. He determined Mr. LaClair could no longer be discharged on November 7 as previously scheduled, but rather, needed to undergo an additional surgery on November 8. Mr. LaClair later underwent a third surgery on February 6, 2008, at Georgetown University Hospital. He spent nearly five months hospitalized, underwent plaster casting of his cervical spine, developed bedsores, and ultimately required a feeding tube. Mrs. LaClair presented evidence to the district court that as a result of the November 6 incident, Mr. LaClair’s medical bills totaled over $1.05 million and had a projected future cost of $900,000. Another physician testified that absent the November 6 incident, his medical and rehabilitation expenses would have been only $75,000 to $125,000. B. The LaClairs filed two separate lawsuits: first, against PTSM for injuries stemming from the November 1 incident (filed March 19, 2009) (the “PTSM lawsuit”), and second, against Suburban for “separate and distinct” injuries stemming from the 6 November 6 incident (filed April 15, 2010) (the “Suburban lawsuit”). 2 The PTSM lawsuit alleged that PTSM was responsible for not only the injuries and damages incurred from the November 1 incident at PTSM’s facility, but also the injuries and damages incurred from the November 6 incident at Suburban. See J.A. 48 (PTSM Complaint) (“Plaintiff was taken via ambulance to Suburban [] where he was diagnosed with a cervical fracture and dislocation. Plaintiff remained at Suburban until November 13, 2007, where he underwent two surgical procedures to repair his cervical fracture, among other things.”). During discovery, however, Dr. Powers testified on January 5, 2010, that the injuries stemming from the November 1 incident were “separate, distinct, and divisible” from those sustained by the November 6 incident. Id. at 229, 262-329. Subsequently, the LaClairs settled with PTSM for $1 million on March 5, 2010. The Settlement Agreement specifically recognized that the LaClairs would be pursuing separate claims against Suburban, in connection with the November 6 incident alone: 2 Mr. LaClair passed away on November 4, 2011, during the course of this litigation. Mrs. LaClair took over as personal representative of his estate and was substituted as Plaintiff on January 25, 2012. 7  In any future action against [Suburban], the plaintiffs agree to file a pre-trial motion with the court attempting to establish that the conduct of Suburban . . . constituted superintervening negligence, and that these defendants are not joint tortfeasors with Suburban[.] The purpose of this requirement is to obviate the need for [PTSM] to be named as [a] part[y] in any future litigation. J.A. 179. The Suburban lawsuit, filed about six weeks after the PTSM settlement, alleges that Mr. LaClair suffered injuries from the November 6 incident that were separate and distinct from those of the November 1 incident. This litigation settled on May 31, 2011. Pursuant to the Settlement Agreement between the LaClairs and Suburban, however, the parties agreed to submit to the district court the question of whether PTSM and Suburban were joint tortfeasors in connection with the November 6 incident, or whether those injuries were separate and distinct such that Suburban alone would be liable. Pursuant to the Settlement Agreement, Suburban agreed to make an initial $650,000 payment to the LaClairs and further agreed to make an additional payment of $600,000 in the event that the court found PTSM and Suburban were not joint tortfeasors as to the November 6 incident. C. In accord with the PTSM Settlement Agreement, the LaClairs filed a pre-trial motion in the Suburban lawsuit on 8 June 10, 2011, asking for judicial determination that Suburban was a “successive tortfeasor” and therefore, not entitled to joint tortfeasor credit for the November 6 incident. J.A. 140. 3 That same day, Suburban filed a memorandum explaining why it should bear joint tortfeasor status with PTSM. The district court held a motions hearing on January 20, 2012, and decided that Suburban was indeed a joint tortfeasor with PTSM such that Mrs. LaClair could not recover additional damages. The district court explained, [T]his was not highly extraordinary. That this kind of thing could well have happened, even if the doctors did not see it or had seen it themselves. But a reasonable man knowing what they knew at the time would conclude that this sort of thing might happen. . . . I am persuaded by the fact that if what happens is reasonably close to the reason for the initial hospitalization, which is what this was, then you really do have a kind of a continuous flow here, and whatever negligence you have is really part and parcel of the initial negligence, too. And so I do conclude on these facts that the liability of the – the defendant, Suburban Hospital, is joined and not independent. J.A. 771. The court entered a short, one-page order to this effect on January 24, 2012, naming Suburban as a joint tortfeasor “for reasons stated in the record.” Id. at 797. It is from that order that Mrs. LaClair appeals. 3 Solely for purposes of the motion on the causation issue, Suburban conceded that it was negligent on November 6, 2007, but it continued to dispute all issues of causation and damages. 9  II. The parties submit that the district court’s order is reviewed for clear error. However, this analysis necessarily involves deciding whether the district court correctly applied Maryland law, and thus, we approach this appeal “by inspecting factual findings for clear error and examining de novo the legal conclusions derived from those facts.” F.C. Wheat Mar. Corp. v. United States, 663 F.3d 714, 723 (4th Cir. 2011). A finding is clearly erroneous when “although there is evidence to support it, the reviewing court on the entire evidence is left with the definite and firm conviction that a mistake has been committed.” Anderson v. City of Bessemer City, N.C., 470 U.S. 564, 573 (1985) (internal quotation marks omitted). Because this case is in federal court based on diversity jurisdiction, the substantive law of the forum state — in this case, Maryland — applies. See Erie R.R. v. Tompkins, 304 U.S. 64, 78 (1938). We should determine: how the [Court of Appeals of Maryland] would rule. If th[at] [court] has spoken neither directly nor indirectly on the particular issue before us, we are called upon to predict how that court would rule if presented with the issue. In making that prediction, we may consider lower court opinions in [Maryland], the teachings of treatises, and the practices in other states. 10 Twin City Fire Ins. Co. v. Ben Arnold-Sunbelt Beverage Co., 433 F.3d 365, 369 (4th Cir. 2005) (internal quotation marks and citations omitted). III. A. PTSM will not be jointly liable for the November 6 incident “if it appears highly extraordinary and unforeseeable that the plaintiffs’ injuries [on November 6] occurred as a result of [PTSM’s] alleged tortious conduct.” Pittway Corp. v. Collins, 973 A.2d 771, 788 (Md. 2009). Accordingly, PTSM avoids liability for the November 6 incident “only if the intervening negligent act,” i.e., Suburban’s conduct, “is considered a superseding cause of the harm to” Mr. LaClair. Id. at 789; see also Morgan v. Cohen, 523 A.2d 1003, 1004-05 (Md. 1987) (“It is a general rule that a negligent actor is liable not only for harm that he directly causes but also for any additional harm resulting from normal efforts of third persons in rendering aid, irrespective of whether such acts are done in a proper or a negligent manner.”). Maryland courts (and federal district courts sitting in diversity) have addressed the superseding cause issue with varying results. Pittway is the seminal Maryland case on superseding cause, providing a framework for analyzing an argument that an intervening act cuts off the liability of an 11 original tortfeasor. The Court of Appeals of Maryland explained: The defendant is liable where the intervening causes, acts, or conditions were set in motion by his earlier negligence, or naturally induced by such wrongful act . . . or even it is generally held, if the intervening acts or conditions were of a nature, the happening of which was reasonably to have been anticipated[.] Pittway, 973 A.2d at 789 (internal quotation marks and alteration omitted). Pittway recognizes that Section 442 of the Restatement (Second) of Torts establishes the test applied in Maryland courts for analyzing superseding cause: The following considerations are of importance in determining whether an intervening force is a superseding cause of harm to another: (a) the fact that its intervention brings about harm different in kind from that which would otherwise have resulted from the actor’s negligence; (b) the fact that its operation or the consequences thereof appear after the event to be extraordinary rather than normal in view of the circumstances existing at the time of its operation; (c) the fact that the intervening force is operating independently of any situation created by the actor’s negligence, or, on the other hand, is or is not a normal result of such a situation; (d) the fact that the operation of the intervening force is due to a third person’s act or his failure to act; (e) the fact that the intervening force is due to an act of a third person which is wrongful toward the other and as such 12  subjects the third person to liability to him; (f) the degree of culpability of a wrongful act of a third person which sets the intervening force in motion. Restatement (Second) of Torts § 442 (1965); Pittway, 973 A.2d at 789. B. We conclude that the district court did not err in finding that Suburban and PTSM were joint tortfeasors. 1. The majority of the Restatement Section 442 factors weigh in favor of a conclusion that Suburban and PTSM were joint tortfeasors. a. As to factor (a), above, Mrs. LaClair attempts to show that the injuries sustained on November 6 were “separate and distinct” from those sustained on November 1, and thus, “different in kind.” See Br. of Appellant 3-9. We first note that we would be hard-pressed to find a case regarding subsequent negligent medical care in which there was not a “separate and distinct” injury after the injury caused by the initial actor’s negligence. This, alone, does not lead us to the conclusion that the negligent medical care is a superseding cause of harm. See Underwood-Gary v. Mathews, 785 A.2d 708, 713 13 (Md. 2001) (“[W]hen a physician negligently treats the plaintiff’s injuries, the physician becomes liable to the plaintiff to the extent of the harm caused by the physician’s negligence. Thus, the physician’s negligent treatment is a subsequent tort for which both the doctor and the original tortfeasor are jointly liable.” (internal citations omitted)). In any event, the harm brought about by the November 6 incident was not so different from the type of harm that is likely to result from an 86-year-old man’s fall from a piece of exercise equipment, even assuming, as Mrs. LaClair would have us do, that a severe spinal cord injury resulted from Mr. LaClair’s repositioning in his bed. For these reasons, factor (a) weighs in favor of Suburban. b. In addressing factor (b), the Restatement directs us to look to Restatement (Second) of Torts § 435(2), Comments (c) and (d). Comment (c) provides, in part, “Where it appears to the court in retrospect that it is highly extraordinary that an intervening cause has come into operation, the court may declare such a force to be a superseding cause.” Restatement (Second) of Torts § 435(2) cmt. c (1965). Comment (d) provides, in part, “The court’s judgment as to whether the harm is a highly extraordinary result is made after the event with the full knowledge of all that has happened. This includes those 14 surroundings of which at the time the actor knew nothing but which the course of events discloses to the court.” Id. cmt. d. Comment (d) continues: [The court] also follows the effects of the actor’s negligence as it passes from phase to phase until it results in harm to the plaintiff. In advance, the actor may not have any reason to expect that any outside force would subsequently operate and change the whole course of events from that which it would have taken but for its intervention. None the less, the court, knowing that such a force has intervened, may see nothing extraordinary either in its intervention or in the effect which it has upon the further development of the injurious results of the defendant’s conduct. This is particularly important where the intervening force is supplied by the act of a human being . . . , which is itself a reaction to the stimulus of a situation for which the actor is responsible. Id. Mrs. LaClair presents testimony from three neurosurgeons that the “application of [the patient care technicians’] force to the body of an elderly, post-operative cervical spine patient . . . had never before been witnessed or known to them in all their years of practice as Neurosurgeons[.]” Br. of Appellant 27 (citing J.A. 190, 222, 229). However, as explained by Comment (d) above, PTSM may have had no reason to expect that Mr. LaClair would be injured by being repositioned in his hospital bed, but the proper way to view the situation is after-the-fact: “knowing that such a 15 force has intervened.” Restatement (Second) Torts § 435 cmt. d (emphasis added). For example, in Henley v. Prince George’s Cnty., the Court of Appeals of Maryland explained the difference between foreseeability when considering the existence of a duty and, as here, causation: “Foreseeability as a factor in the determination of the existence of a duty involves a prospective consideration of the facts existing at the time of the negligent conduct. Foreseeability as an element of proximate cause permits a retrospective consideration of the total facts of the occurrence[.]” 503 A.2d 1333, 1341 (Md. 1986) (emphases added). Viewing the facts of this case retrospectively, there is “an appropriate nexus” between the November 1 incident and injuries and the November 6 incident and injuries such that it is “at least a permissible conclusion” that Mr. LaClair’s already- injured spine would be further injured by being positioned into a hospital bed. Id. at 1342. Again, we agree with the district court that Suburban’s actions were not “so extraordinary as to bring about a conclusion of separate intervening cause.” J.A. 766. Thus, factor (b) also weighs in favor of Suburban. 16  c. Considering the cross-referencing set forth in Restatement (Second) Section 442, factors (c), (e), and (f) 4 boil down to the same core inquiries: whether Suburban’s actions were “a normal consequence of a situation created by the actor’s negligent conduct,” 5 and whether the manner in which the intervening act was done was “extraordinarily negligent.” Restatement (Second) Torts §§ 443, 447(c) (1965). First, clearly, Mr. LaClair would not have sustained the injuries on November 6 if PTSM’s negligence had not put him in the hospital in the first place. 6 And the district court 4 As to factor (d), the district court dismissed this factor as irrelevant to the inquiry, but it only appeared to analyze the “failure to act” portion of § 442(d). See J.A. 767-68. While this may have been legal error, even assuming factor (d) weighs in favor of Mrs. LaClair, the balance of the factors nonetheless weighs in favor of Suburban. 5 The comments to factor (c) explain that the “situation created by the actor’s negligence” means any situation that the original tortfeasor’s actions were a substantial factor in bringing about. See Restatement (Second) of Torts §§ 447(c), 442(c) cmt. d. 6 Indeed, the LaClairs themselves believed the November 6 incident to be a foreseeable consequence of the November 1 incident. They recognized as much in their initial complaint against PTSM, which sought to hold PTSM liable for “two surgical procedures” at Suburban. J.A. 48 (emphasis added). In addition, on July 12, 2009, the LaClairs answered interrogatories and listed the following as caused by the PTSM’s negligence: admission to Suburban from November 1 to November 13, 2007; admission to the rehabilitation center from November 13 to November 30; admission to Georgetown University for (Continued) 17 found, “the act, . . . the putting back in bed is not itself extraordinary.” J.A. 767. Mrs. LaClair’s attorney agreed. See id. at 709 (The Court: “[T]he objective anyway was to put this man back in bed. That’s not unforeseeable; correct? Mr. Regan: Yes.”). The district court did not err in finding that it is a “normal consequence,” (i.e., foreseeable) that a cervical spine patient might sustain additional spinal injuries at the hands of medical professionals. As to the manner in which the negligent act was done, we should consider the injuries and the degree of culpability of the patient care technicians. Even if the patient care technicians were “very rough,” J.A. 362, that does not quite get us to the level of “extraordinarily negligent.” Restatement (Second) of Torts § 447(c). Indeed, Maryland courts have held that original tortfeasors are liable for more significant harm inflicted by intervening negligent medical professionals. See Underwood-Gary, 785 A.2d at 713 (“[An] original tortfeasor is liable for additional harm caused by a treating physician’s improper diagnosis and unnecessary surgery[.] This rule is based on the premise that the negligent actor, by his or her conduct, has placed the plaintiff in a surgery from February 5 to February 25, 2008; and home nursing care from April 2008 to July 2009. See id. at 64-78. 18 position of danger and should answer for the risks inherent in treatment and rendering aid.” (citing Restatement (Second) of Torts § 457 cmt. c, illus. 1)); Richards v. Freeman, 179 F. Supp. 2d 556, 560-61 (D. Md. 2002) (where physicians negligently performed surgeries that left car accident victim with a right arterial tear in her heart, finding physicians and original defendant driver to be “joint” yet “subsequent tortfeasors” under Maryland’s Uniform Contribution Among Tort-Feasors Act (UCATA)); see also Morgan, 523 A.2d at 1008 (stating that under the UCATA, an original tortfeasor and a negligent health care provider could be considered concurrent tortfeasors concurring in producing the additional harm). Kyte v. McMillion, 259 A.2d 532 (Md. 1969), cited by Mrs. LaClair, does not change this result. There, a young woman was involved in a car wreck due to a negligent driver, and she was taken to the hospital and treated for broken bones. Upon admission to the hospital, a physician ordered a blood transfusion, but the nurse used the wrong type of blood. See id. at 533. As a result of this mistake, the plaintiff suffered “bleak prospects of future pregnancies” and was projected to have “difficult gestation from both an emotional and physical point of view.” Id. The plaintiff filed suit against the hospital first, ultimately reaching an agreement and signing a release as to damages stemming only from 19 the blood transfusion. See id. at 533-34. Later, when the plaintiff filed suit against the allegedly negligent driver, McMillion, the court held that McMillion was not included in the release and thus, the damages awarded to the plaintiff from the hospital should not be credited to McMillion. Id. at 543. Notably, the Maryland Court of Special Appeals has limited this case to its facts as “the Court [in Kyte] was careful to point out that the injuries [broken bones and inability to have children] were peculiarly separate and divisible[.]” Sullivan v. Miller, 337 A.2d 185, 191 (Md. Ct. Spec. App. 1975). Even the Kyte court itself declared, “It should be understood . . . that the decision announced herein goes no further than the unusual facts and circumstances of this case.” See Kyte, 259 A.2d at 543. 7 Therefore, we cannot say that the negligence of the patient care technicians, either in manner or consequence, was 7 In this appeal, Suburban also contends that the settlement with PTSM already took into account the damages arising from the November 6 incident, and points to the LaClairs’ answers to interrogatories on July 12, 2009, in the PTSM lawsuit. See supra, note 7. However, while this argument may have some merit, we do not rely on it because it appears that the LaClairs shifted gears in the middle of their litigation with PTSM (and after the interrogatory answers were filed) due to the testimony of Dr. Powers. Moreover, reliance on this basis is unnecessary given the weight of other factors in favor of Suburban. 20 abnormal or extraordinary. Thus, factors (c), (e), and (f) weigh in favor of Suburban. 2. Examining the Restatement Section 442 factors does not end our inquiry. The Court of Appeals of Maryland further explains that Section 447 of the Restatement (Second) of Torts illuminates these factors: “The fact that an intervening act of a third person is negligent in itself or is done in a negligent manner does not make it a superseding cause of harm to another which the actor’s negligent conduct is a substantial factor in bringing about, if (a) the actor at the time of his negligent conduct should have realized that a third person might so act, or (b) a reasonable man knowing the situation existing when the act of the third person was done would not regard it as highly extraordinary that the third person had so acted, or (c) the intervening act is a normal consequence of a situation created by the actor’s conduct and the manner in which it is done is not extraordinarily negligent.” Pittway, 973 A.2d at 789 (quoting Restatement (Second) of Torts § 447). Thus, “a superseding cause arises primarily when unusual and extraordinary independent intervening negligent acts occur that could not have been anticipated by the original tortfeasor.” Id. (internal quotation marks omitted). Therefore, courts should look to both the foreseeability of the 21 harm suffered by the plaintiff, as well as the foreseeability of the intervening act itself. See id. at 792. Any doubt that the Restatement Section 442 factors weigh in favor of Suburban is resolved by an analysis of Section 447: PTSM should have realized that an elderly man injured by a fall from its own exercise equipment would have to go to the hospital, would receive medical care, and may possibly experience negligent medical care there. Mr. LaClair’s ultimate injuries and the manner in which they occurred were not extraordinary, nor were these unfortunate consequences unforeseeable. IV. For the foregoing reasons, the judgment of the district court is AFFIRMED. 22 

Featured topics Publication year Search on nutri-facts for Topic of the Month Micronutrient Deficiencies Throughout the World April 24, 2017 Julia Bird The discovery of vitamins a little over one century ago was incredibly important for the field of nutrition (1). At last, we had found the key to preventing vitamin deficiencies! Knowing about the vitamins meant that medical questions that had puzzled humans for centuries – why does fresh citrus fruit cure scurvy, but a syrup made from the juice does not? – could be reliably answered (2). Despite this grand leap in the understanding of nutrition, however, vitamin and mineral deficiencies still plague us around the globe. While we know in general which micronutrients and how much most people need to stay healthy, making sure that everyone has access to micronutrients is more problematic. Each region in the world has its own nutrition concerns. The problem of “hidden hunger,” when people may get enough calories but the micronutrient content of their diet is lacking, is improving but there is still a long way to go (3). Which micronutrient deficiencies are found throughout the world? South Asia, East Asia and the Pacific South Asia, East Asia and the Pacific, comprising countries such as China, Indonesia, Vietnam, India, Bangladesh and Malaysia, have mostly showed a large improvement in micronutrient status in their population over the past decades (3). General programs to support economic growth have raised the standard of living for many people living in developing Asian countries, and staple food fortification has been able to reduce specific micronutrient deficiencies such as iodine and iron. Despite these gains, deficiencies in iron and vitamin A are still prevalent in some risk groups: 27 million school age children, 7.5 million pregnant women and 96 million non-pregnant women in the region are affected by anemia, while 13 percent of pre-school children and 21 percent of pregnant women are affected by vitamin A deficiency (4). Eastern Europe and Central Asia Low- and middle-income countries in Europe and Central Asia have shown a modest improvement in reducing micronutrient deficiencies (3). In this region, however vitamins A and D, iodine, iron, zinc, folate and thiamine are marked as micronutrients of special concern (5). The rates of deficiencies vary depending on the country, as local laws, the economic situation, cultural trends and the environment can affect supply of vitamins and minerals. In particular, iodine deficiency in central Europe is common, and is very much impacted by national policies regarding iodine fortification (6). Seasonable variations in the availability of different foods can affect dietary intakes and nutrient status in Europe. For example, more fruits and vegetables are eaten in the summer and autumn months, leading to a better folate status in the general population in Slovakia (7). Certain vulnerable populations are at greater risk of micronutrient deficiency. These groups include pregnant women and young children, the elderly, people with a low socioeconomic status, and those affected by chronic disease (8-10). Latin America and the Caribbean Micronutrient nutrition in Latin American and the Caribbean has improved in the past few years, and rates of deficiency tend to be the lowest of the low- and middle-income countries (3). In fact, all countries in this area of the world reduced their prevalence of hidden hunger in the period 1995-2011 (3). Despite these relative improvements, micronutrient deficiencies have an impact on health for a significant proportion of people in this area of the world. Iron deficiency anemia and zinc deficiency remain a problem for women of childbearing age and children aged under 6 years (11, 12). While vitamin B12 deficiency is not monitored as well as other micronutrients, an incidence greater than 10 percent is reported for vulnerable groups in some countries, such as women aged 13 to 49 in Colombia, and children aged 6 months to 5 years in Guatemala. Rates of vitamin and mineral deficiencies can vary greatly between countries. For example, vitamin A deficiency in young children has been virtually eradicated in Guatemala and Nicaragua, yet is a severe public health problem in Colombia, Mexico, and Haiti (13). One micronutrient success story has been the use of folic acid fortification to improve folate status and reduce the occurrence of neural tube defects in Latin American and the Caribbean. The introduction of mandatory folic acid fortification for almost all countries has led to a dramatic reduction in the percentage of the population with folate deficiency (14). In turn, surveillance of neural tube defects shows a decrease of one- to two-thirds compared to the pre-fortification period (15). Carefully designed interventions such as staple food fortification, and that focus on vulnerable groups, are needed to further improve micronutrient nutrition in Latin America and the Caribbean (12). Middle East and North Africa The nutrition situation in the Middle East and North Africa has improved substantially in the last decades. Many countries are undergoing an advanced nutrition transition, whereby there is a modest reduction in micronutrient malnutrition, while rates of overweight and obesity are rapidly increasing (16). Unfortunately, the complex security situation in several countries (Afghanistan, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, and Syria) has further increased food insecurity, leading to widespread acute and chronic under nutrition, especially in young children and pregnant women (16). The vitamins and minerals most often found to be deficient in nutritional surveys in the region include calcium, iodine, iron, vitamin A, vitamin D, and folate (16). Food fortification programs in the area are patchy, and while many countries have dietary guidelines for individuals that promote a healthful diet, their uptake has been limited (16). Anemia is the most prevalent micronutrient deficiency in the Middle East, and can affect more than half of some countries. Vitamin D deficiency has been reported for many countries despite plentiful sunshine; this relates to few dietary sources and wearing traditional clothing that blocks sunlight from reaching the skin. Several countries including Jordan, Egypt, the United Arab Emirates, Oman and Kuwait have mandatory wheat flour fortification policies in place. All these countries fortify with folic acid and iron, and some include zinc and other vitamins as well. However, rice and maize are also staple foods in these countries and are not fortified, hence micronutrient deficiencies remain widespread despite the existence of fortification. West, Central and Sub-Saharan Africa The majority of countries showing an increase in hidden hunger over the past years were located in West, Central and Southern Africa. These results do not bode well for the social and economic development in countries affected by a high prevalence of under nutrition (3). The causes of micronutrient deficiencies in Africa are multi-factorial and relate to poor economic development, unstable governments that neglect critical investments into education, health and infrastructure, and food insecurity related to harsh agricultural environments (17). The high prevalence of vitamin and mineral deficits, such as iron deficiency anemia, zinc deficiency and vitamin A deficiency will only be reduced when the underlying causes of poverty are alleviated. In some countries in southern Africa, commitment to improving the nutritional status of the population has shown positive results. For example, a mandatory fortification program for maize and wheat flour in South Africa has been effective in improving vitamin and mineral intakes (18, 19). There is still room for improvement in South Africa, however; it is one of 48 countries worldwide prioritized as having an “unfinished fortification” program (20). High-Income Countries While developing countries bear the greatest burden of micronutrient deficiencies around the world, they still exist in high-income countries. The considerable resources of high-income countries mean that the micronutrient status of their populations is studied in greater detail than the rest of the world and give a better estimate of the true rate. Comprehensive a representative analyses of U.S. populations find that 5 percent or more is affected by deficiencies in vitamins B6, C and D, and almost 10 percent of women of child-bearing age are affected by low body iron (21). In Europe, international comparisons find that at least half of certain population groups do not meet recommendations. Intakes of thiamine in Italian women, B6 in women from many countries, and vitamin C in Scandinavian men and male smokers are clearly too low (22, 23). Also, intakes of both vitamin D and E are low for most people living in Northern, Western and Southern Europe (22, 23). A lack of education about nutrient-dense diets and poor food choices are a major contributor to micronutrient deficiencies in high-income countries. Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations. Addressing social and economic burden of malnutrition through nutrition-sensitive agricultural and food policies in the region of Europe and Central Asia. 2015. Papathakis PC, Pearson KE. Food fortification improves the intake of all fortified nutrients, but fails to meet the estimated dietary requirements for vitamins A and B6, riboflavin and zinc, in lactating South African women. Public Health Nutr 2012;15(10):1810-7. doi: 10.1017/S1368980012003072

List of spouses of Prime Ministers of Japan The is the wife or husband of the Prime Minister of Japan. Role and duties The role of the Prime Ministerial Consort is not an official office and as such they are not given a salary or official duties. Spouse of the Prime Ministers of the Empire of Japan (1885–1947) Spouse of the Prime Ministers during the Meiji period (1885–1912) Under the Meiji Emperor Spouse of the Prime Ministers during the Taishō period (1912–1926) Under the Taishō Emperor Spouse of the Prime Ministers during the Shōwa period (1926–1947) Under the Shōwa Emperor Spouse of the Prime Ministers of the State of Japan (1947–present) Spouse of the Prime Ministers during the Shōwa period (1947–1989) Under the Shōwa Emperor Spouse of the Prime Ministers during the Akihito period (1989–present) Under Emperor Akihito References * *Spouse Japan

Preprint hep-ph/0006089 [Improved Conformal Mapping of the Borel Plane]{} U. D. Jentschura and G. Soff [*Institut für Theoretische Physik, TU Dresden, 01062 Dresden, Germany*]{}\ [**Email:**]{} jentschura@physik.tu-dresden.de, soff@physik.tu-dresden.de The conformal mapping of the Borel plane can be utilized for the analytic continuation of the Borel transform to the entire positive real semi-axis and is thus helpful in the resummation of divergent perturbation series in quantum field theory. We observe that the convergence can be accelerated by the application of Padé approximants to the Borel transform expressed as a function of the conformal variable, i.e. by a combination of the analytic continuation via conformal mapping and a subsequent numerical approximation by rational approximants. The method is primarily useful in those cases where the leading (but not sub-leading) large-order asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients are known. 11.15.Bt, 11.10.Jj General properties of perturbation theory;\ Asymptotic problems and properties The problem of the resummation of quantum field theoretic series is of obvious importance in view of the divergent, asymptotic character of the perturbative expansions [@LGZJ1990; @ZJ1996; @Fi1997]. The convergence can be accelerated when additional information is available about large-order asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients [@JeWeSo2000]. In the example cases discussed in [@JeWeSo2000], the location of several poles in the Borel plane, known from the leading and next-to-leading large-order asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients, is utilized in order to construct specialized resummation prescriptions. Here, we consider a particular perturbation series, investigated in [@BrKr1999], where only the [*leading*]{} large-order asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients are known to sufficient accuracy, and the subleading asymptotics have – not yet – been determined. Therefore, the location of only a single pole – the one closest to the origin – in the Borel plane is available. In this case, as discussed in [@CaFi1999; @CaFi2000], the (asymptotically optimal) conformal mapping of the Borel plane is an attractive method for the analytic continuation of the Borel transform beyond its circle of convergence and, to a certain extent, for accelerating the convergence of the Borel transforms. Here, we argue that the convergence of the transformation can be accelerated further when the Borel transforms, expressed as a function of the conformal variable which mediates the analytic continuation, are additionally convergence-accelerated by the application of Padé approximants. First we discuss, in general terms, the construction of the improved conformal mapping of the Borel plane which is used for the resummation of the perturbation series defined in Eqs. (\[gammaPhi4\]) and (\[gammaYukawa\]) below. The method uses as input data the numerical values of a finite number of perturbative coefficients and the leading large-order asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients, which can, under appropriate circumstances, be derived from an empirical investigation of a finite number of coefficients, as it has been done in [@BrKr1999]. We start from an asymptotic, divergent perturbative expansion of a physical observable $f(g)$ in powers of a coupling parameter $g$, $$\label{power} f(g) \sim \sum_{n=0}^{\infty} c_n\,g^n\,,$$ and we consider the generalized Borel transform of the $(1,\lambda)$-type (see Eq. (4) in [@JeWeSo2000]), $$\label{BorelTrans} f^{(\lambda)}_{\rm B}(u) \; \equiv \; f^{(1,\lambda)}_{\rm B}(u) \; = \; \sum_{n=0}^{\infty} \frac{c_n}{\Gamma(n+\lambda)}\,u^n\,.$$ The full physical solution can be reconstructed from the divergent series (\[power\]) by evaluating the Laplace-Borel integral, which is defined as $$\label{BorelIntegral} f(g) = \frac{1}{g^\lambda} \, \int_0^\infty {\rm d}u \,u^{\lambda - 1} \, \exp\bigl(-u/g\bigr)\, f^{(\lambda)}_{\rm B}(u)\,.$$ The integration variable $u$ is referred to as the Borel variable. The integration is carried out either along the real axis or infinitesimally above or below it (if Padé approximants are used for the analytic continuation, modified integration contours have been proposed [@Je2000]). The most prominent issue in the theory of the Borel resummation is the construction of an analytic continuation for the Borel transform (\[BorelTrans\]) from a finite-order partial sum of the perturbation series (\[power\]), which we denote by $$\label{PartialSum} f^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}(u) = \sum_{n=0}^{m} \frac{c_n}{\Gamma(n+\lambda)}\,u^n\,.$$ The analytic continuation can be accomplished using the direct application of Padé approximants to the partial sums of the Borel transform $f^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}(u)$ [@BrKr1999; @Je2000; @Raczka1991; @Pi1999] or by a conformal mapping [@SeZJ1979; @LGZJ1983; @GuKoSu1995; @CaFi1999; @CaFi2000]. We now assume that the [*leading*]{} large-order asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients $c_n$ defined in Eq. (\[power\]) is factorial, and that the coefficients display an alternating sign pattern. This indicates the existence of a singularity (branch point) along the negative real axis corresponding to the leading large-order growth of the perturbative coefficients, which we assume to be at $u=-1$. For Borel transforms which have only a single cut in the complex plane which extends from $u=-1$ to $u=-\infty$, the following conformal mapping has been recommended as optimal [@CaFi1999], $$\label{DefZ} z = z(u) = \frac{\sqrt{1+u}-1}{\sqrt{1+u}+1}\,.$$ Here, $z$ is referred to as the conformal variable. The cut Borel plane is mapped unto the unit circle by the conformal mapping (\[DefZ\]). We briefly mention that a large variety of similar conformal mappings have been discussed in the literature . It is worth noting that conformal mappings which are adopted for doubly-cut Borel planes have been discussed in [@CaFi1999; @CaFi2000]. We do not claim here that it would be impossible to construct conformal mappings which reflect the position of more than two renormalon poles or branch points in the complex plane. However, we stress that such a conformal mapping is likely to have a more complicated mathematical structure than, for example, the mapping defined in Eq. (27) in [@CaFi1999]. Using the alternative methods described in [@JeWeSo2000], poles (branch points) in the Borel plane corresponding to the subleading asymptotics can be incorporated easily provided their position in the Borel plane is known. In a concrete example (see Table 1 in [@JeWeSo2000]), 14 poles in the Borel plane have been fixed in the denominator of the Padé approximant constructed according to Eqs. (53)–(55) in [@JeWeSo2000], and accelerated convergence of the transforms is observed. In contrast to the investigation [@JeWeSo2000], we assume here that only the [*leading*]{} large-order factorial asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients are known. We continue with the discussion of the conformal mapping (\[DefZ\]). It should be noted that for series whose leading singularity in the Borel plane is at $u = -u_0$ with $u_0 > 0$, an appropriate rescaling of the Borel variable $u \to |u_0|\, u$ is necessary on the right-hand side of Eq. (\[BorelIntegral\]). Then, $f^{(\lambda)}_{\rm B}(|u_0|\,u)$ as a function of $u$ has its leading singularity at $u = -1$ (see also Eq. (41.57) in [@ZJ1996]). The Borel integration variable $u$ can be expressed as a function of $z$ as follows, $$\label{UasFuncOfZ} u(z) = \frac{4 \, z}{(z-1)^2}\,.$$ The $m$th partial sum of the Borel transform (\[PartialSum\]) can be rewritten, upon expansion of the $u$ in powers of $z$, as $$\label{PartialSumConformal} f^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}(u) = f^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}\bigl(u(z)\bigr) = \sum_{n=0}^{m} C_n\,z^n + {\cal O}(z^{m+1})\,,$$ where the coefficients $C_n$ as a function of the $c_n$ are uniquely determined (see, e.g., Eqs. (36) and (37) of [@CaFi1999]). We define partial sum of the Borel transform, expressed as a function of the conformal variable $z$, as $$f'^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}(z) = \sum_{n=0}^{m} C_n\,z^n\,.$$ In a previous investigation [@CaFi1999], Caprini and Fischer evaluate the following transforms, $$\label{CaFiTrans} {\cal T}'_m f(g) = \frac{1}{g^\lambda}\, \int_0^\infty {\rm d}u \,u^{\lambda - 1} \,\exp\bigl(-u/g\bigr)\, f'^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}(z(u))\,.$$ Caprini and Fischer [@CaFi1999] observe the apparent numerical convergence with increasing $m$. The limit as $m\to\infty$, provided it exists, is then assumed to represent the complete, physically relevant solution, $$f(g) = \lim_{m\to\infty} {\cal T}'_m f(g)\,.$$ We do not consider the question of the existence of this limit here (for an outline of questions related to these issues we refer to [@CaFi2000]). In the absence of further information on the analyticity domain of the Borel transform (\[BorelTrans\]), we cannot necessarily conclude that $f^{(\lambda)}_{\rm B}{\mathbf (}u(z){\mathbf )}$ as a function of $z$ is analytic inside the unit circle of the complex $z$-plane, or that, for example, the conditions of Theorem 5.2.1 of [@BaGr1996] are fulfilled. Therefore, we propose a modification of the transforms (\[CaFiTrans\]). In particular, we advocate the evaluation of (lower-diagonal) Padé approximants [@BaGr1996; @BeOr1978] to the function $f'^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}(z)$, expressed as a function of $z$, $$\label{ConformalPade} f''^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}(z) = \bigg[ [\mkern - 2.5 mu [m/2] \mkern - 2.5 mu ] \bigg/ [\mkern - 2.5 mu [(m+1)/2] \mkern - 2.5 mu ] \bigg]_{f'^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}}\!\!\!\left(z\right)\,.$$ We define the following transforms, $$\label{AccelTrans} {\cal T}''_m f(g) = \frac{1}{g^\lambda}\, \int_{C_j} {\rm d}u \,u^{\lambda - 1} \,\exp\bigl(-u/g\bigr)\, f''^{(\lambda),m}_{\rm B}\bigl(z(u)\bigr)$$ where the integration contour $C_j$ ($j=-1,0,1$) have been defined in [@Je2000]. These integration contours have been shown to to provide the physically correct analytic continuation of resummed perturbation series for those cases where the evaluation of the standard Laplace-Borel integral (\[BorelIntegral\]) is impossible due to an insufficient analyticity domain of the integrand (possibly due to multiple branch cuts) or due to spurious singularities in view of the finite order of the Padé approximations defined in (\[ConformalPade\]). We should mention potential complications due to multi-instanton contributions, as discussed for example in Ch. 43 of [@ZJ1996] (these are not encountered in the current investigation). In this letter, we use exclusively the contour $C_0$ which is defined as the half sum of the contours $C_{-1}$ and $C_{+1}$ displayed in Fig. 1 in [@Je2000]. At increasing $m$, the limit as $m\to\infty$, provided it exists, is then again assumed to represent the complete, physically relevant solution, $$f(g) = \lim_{m\to\infty} {\cal T}''_m f(g)\,.$$ Because we take advantage of the special integration contours $C_j$, analyticity of the Borel transform $f^{(\lambda)}_{\rm B}{\mathbf (}u(z){\mathbf )}$ inside the unit circle of the complex $z$-plane is not required, and additional acceleration of the convergence is mediated by employing Padé approximants in the conformal variable $z$. [cr@[.]{}lr@[.]{}lr@[.]{}lr@[.]{}l]{} ------------------------------------------------------------------------ $m$ & & & &\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 28 & $-0$ & $501~565~232$ & $-0$ & $538~352~234$ & $-0$ & $573~969~740$ & $-0$ & $827~506~173$\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 29 & $-0$ & $501~565~232$ & $-0$ & $538~352~233$ & $-0$ & $573~969~738$ & $-0$ & $827~506~143$\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 30 & $-0$ & $501~565~231$ & $-0$ & $538~352~233$ & $-0$ & $573~969~738$ & $-0$ & $827~506~136$\ [cr@[.]{}lr@[.]{}lr@[.]{}lr@[.]{}l]{} ------------------------------------------------------------------------ $m$ & & & &\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 28 & $-1$ & $669~071~213$ & $-1$ & $800~550~588$ & $-1$ & $928~740~624$ & $-1$ & $852~027~809$\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 29 & $-1$ & $669~071~214$ & $-1$ & $800~550~589$ & $-1$ & $928~740~626$ & $-1$ & $852~027~810$\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 30 & $-1$ & $669~071~214$ & $-1$ & $800~550~589$ & $-1$ & $928~740~625$ & $-1$ & $852~027~810$\ We consider the resummation of two particular perturbation series discussed in [@BrKr1999] for the anomalous dimension $\gamma$ function of the $\phi^3$ theory in 6 dimensions and the Yukawa coupling in 4 dimensions. The perturbation series for the $\phi^3$ theory is given in Eq. (16) in [@BrKr1999], $$\label{gammaPhi4} \gamma_{\rm hopf}(g) \sim \sum_{n=1}^{\infty} (-1)^n \, \frac{G_n}{6^{2 n - 1}} \, g^n\,,$$ where the coefficients $G_n$ are given in Table 1 in [@BrKr1999] for $n=1,\dots,30$ (the $G_n$ are real and positive). We denote the coupling parameter $a$ used in [@BrKr1999] as $g$; this is done in order to ensure compatibility with the general power series given in Eq. (\[power\]). Empirically, Broadhurst and Kreimer derive the large-order asymptotics $$G_n \sim {\rm const.} \; \times \; 12^{n-1} \, \Gamma(n+2)\,, \qquad n\to\infty\,,$$ by investigating the explicit numerical values of the coefficients $G_1,\dots,G_{30}$. The leading asymptotics of the perturbative coefficients $c_n$ are therefore (up to a constant prefactor) $$\label{LeadingPhi4} c_n \sim (-1)^n \frac{\Gamma(n+2)}{3^n}\,, \qquad n\to\infty\,.$$ This implies that the $\lambda$-parameter in the Borel transform (\[BorelTrans\]) should be set to $\lambda=2$ (see also the notion of an asymptotically optimized Borel transform discussed in [@JeWeSo2000]). In view of Eq. (\[LeadingPhi4\]), the pole closest to the origin of the Borel transform (\[BorelTrans\]) is expected at $$u = u^{\rm hopf}_0 = -3\,,$$ and a rescaling of the Borel variable $u \to 3\,u$ in Eq. (\[BorelIntegral\]) then leads to an expression to which the method defined in Eqs. (\[power\])–(\[AccelTrans\]) can be applied directly. For the Yukawa coupling, the $\gamma$-function reads $$\label{gammaYukawa} {\tilde \gamma}_{\rm hopf}(g) \sim \sum_{n=1}^{\infty} (-1)^n \, \frac{{\tilde G}_n}{2^{2 n - 1}} \, g^n\,,$$ where the ${\tilde G}_n$ are given in Table 2 in [@BrKr1999] for $n=1,\dots,30$. Empirically, i.e. from an investigation of the numerical values of ${\tilde G}_1,\dots,{\tilde G}_{30}$, the following factorial growth in large order is derived [@BrKr1999], $${\tilde G}_n \sim {\rm const.'} \; \times \; 2^{n-1} \, \Gamma(n+1/2)\,, \qquad n\to\infty\,.$$ This leads to the following asymptotics for the perturbative coefficients (up to a constant prefactor), $$c_n \sim (-1)^n \frac{\Gamma(n+1/2)}{2^n} \,, \qquad n\to\infty\,.$$ This implies that an asymptotically optimal choice [@JeWeSo2000] for the $\lambda$-parameter in (\[BorelTrans\]) is $\lambda=1/2$. The first pole of the Borel transform (\[BorelTrans\]) is therefore expected at $$u = {\tilde u}^{\rm hopf}_0 = -2\,.$$ A rescaling of the Borel variable according to $u \to 2\,u$ in (\[BorelIntegral\]) enables the application of the resummation method defined in Eqs. (\[power\])–(\[AccelTrans\]). In Table \[table1\], numerical values for the transforms ${\cal T}''_m \gamma_{\rm hopf}(g)$ are given, which have been evaluated according to Eq. (\[AccelTrans\]). The transformation order is in the range $m=28~,29,~30$, and we consider coupling parameters $g=5.0,~5.5,~6.0$ and $g=10.0$. The numerical values of the transforms display apparent convergence to about 9 significant figures for $g \leq 6.0$ and to about 7 figures for $g=10.0$. In Table \[table2\], numerical values for the transforms ${\cal T}''_m {\tilde \gamma}_{\rm hopf}(g)$ calculated according to Eq. (\[AccelTrans\]) are shown in the range $m=28,~29,~30$ for (large) coupling strengths $g=5.0,~5.5,~6.0$. Additionally, the value $g = 30^2/(4\,\pi)^2 = 5.69932\dots$ is considered as a special case (as it has been done in [@BrKr1999]). Again, the numerical values of the transforms display apparent convergence to about 9 significant figures. At large coupling $g = 12.0$, the apparent convergence of the transforms suggests the following values: $\gamma_{\rm hopf}(12.0) = -0.939\,114\,3(2)$ and ${\tilde \gamma}_{\rm hopf}(12.0) = -3.287\,176\,9(2)$. The numerical results for the Yukawa case, i.e. for the function ${\tilde \gamma}_{\rm hopf}$, have recently been confirmed by an improved analytic, nonperturbative investigation [@BrKr2000prep] which extends the perturbative calculation [@BrKr1999]. We note that the transforms ${\cal T}'_m \gamma_{\rm hopf}(g)$ and ${\cal T}'_m {\tilde \gamma}_{\rm hopf}(g)$ calculated according to Eq. (\[CaFiTrans\]), i.e. by the unmodified conformal mapping, typically exhibit apparent convergence to 5–6 significant figures in the transformation order $m=28,~29,~30$ and at large coupling $g \geq 5$. Specifically, the numerical values for $g=5.0$ are $$\begin{aligned} {\cal T}'_{28} \gamma_{\rm hopf}(g = 5.0) \; &=& \; -0.501~567~294\,, \nonumber\\[2ex] {\cal T}'_{29} \gamma_{\rm hopf}(g = 5.0) \; &=& \; -0.501~564~509\,, \nonumber\\[2ex] {\cal T}'_{30} \gamma_{\rm hopf}(g = 5.0) \; &=& \; -0.501~563~626\,. \nonumber\end{aligned}$$ These results, when compared to the data in Table \[table1\], exemplify the acceleration of the convergence by the additional Padé approximation of the Borel transform [*expressed as a function of the conformal variable*]{} \[see Eq. (\[ConformalPade\])\]. It is not claimed here that the resummation method defined in Eqs. (\[power\])–(\[AccelTrans\]) necessarily provides the fastest possible rate of convergence for the perturbation series defined in Eq. (\[gammaPhi4\]) and (\[gammaYukawa\]). Further improvements should be feasible, especially if particular properties of the input series are known and exploited (see in part the methods described in [@JeWeSo2000]). We also note possible improvements based on a large-coupling expansion [@We1996d], in particular for excessively large values of the coupling parameter $g$, or methods based on order-dependent mappings (see [@SeZJ1979; @LGZJ1983] or the discussion following Eq. (41.67) in [@ZJ1996]). The conformal mapping [@CaFi1999; @CaFi2000] is capable of accomplishing the analytic continuation of the Borel transform (\[BorelTrans\]) beyond the circle of convergence. Padé approximants, applied directly to the partial sums of the Borel transform (\[PartialSum\]), provide an alternative to this method [@Raczka1991; @Pi1999; @BrKr1999; @Je2000; @JeWeSo2000]. Improved rates of convergence can be achieved when the convergence of the transforms obtained by conformal mapping in Eq. (\[PartialSumConformal\]) is accelerated by evaluating Padé approximants as in Eq. (\[ConformalPade\]), and conditions on analyticity domains can be relaxed in a favorable way when these methods are combined with the integration contours from Ref. [@Je2000]. Numerical results for the resummed values of the perturbation series (\[gammaPhi4\]) and (\[gammaYukawa\]) are provided in the Tables \[table1\] and \[table2\]. By the improved conformal mapping and other optimized resummation techniques (see, e.g., the methods introduced in Ref. [@JeWeSo2000]) the applicability of perturbative (small-coupling) expansions can be generalized to the regime of large coupling and still lead to results of relatively high accuracy.\ U.J. acknowledges helpful conversations with E. J. Weniger, I. Nándori, S. Roether and P. J. Mohr. G.S. acknowledges continued support from BMBF, DFG and GSI. [10]{} J. C. LeGuillou and J. Zinn-Justin, [*Large-Order Behaviour of Perturbation Theory*]{} (North-Holland, Amsterdam, 1990). J. Zinn-Justin, [*Quantum Field Theory and Critical Phenomena*]{}, 3rd ed. (Clarendon Press, Oxford, 1996). J. Fischer, Int. J. Mod. Phys. A [**12**]{}, 3625 (1997). U. D. Jentschura, E. Weniger, and G. Soff, Asymptotic Improvement of Resummation and Perturbative Predictions, Los Alamos preprint hep-ph/0005198, submitted. D. Broadhurst and D. Kreimer, Phys. Lett. B [**475**]{}, 63 (2000). I. Caprini and J. Fischer, Phys. Rev. D [**60**]{}, 054014 (1999). I. Caprini and J. Fischer, Convergence of the expansion of the Laplace-Borel integral in perturbative QCD improved by conformal mapping, Los Alamos preprint hep-ph/0002016. U. D. Jentschura, Resummation of Nonalternating Divergent Perturbative Expansions, Los Alamos preprint hep-ph/0001135, Phys. Rev. D (in press). P. A. Raczka, Phys. Rev. D [**43**]{}, R9 (1991). M. Pindor, Padé Approximants and Borel Summation for QCD Perturbation Series, Los Alamos preprint hep-th/9903151. R. Seznec and J. Zinn-Justin, J. Math. Phys. [**20**]{}, 1398 (1979). J. C. L. Guillou and J. Zinn-Justin, Ann. Phys. (N. Y.) [**147**]{}, 57 (1983). R. Guida, K. Konishi, and H. Suzuki, Ann. Phys. (N. Y.) [**241**]{}, 152 (1995). D. J. Broadhurst, P. A. Baikov, V. A. Ilyin, J. Fleischer, O. V. Tarasov, and V. A. Smirnov, Phys. Lett. B [**329**]{}, 103 (1994). G. Altarelli, P. Nason, and G. Ridolfi, Z. Phys. C [**68**]{}, 257 (1995). D. E. Soper and L. R. Surguladze, Phys. Rev. D [**54**]{}, 4566 (1996). K. G. Chetyrkin, J. H. Kühn, and M. Steinhauser, Phys. Lett. B [**371**]{}, 93 (1996). K. G. Chetyrkin, J. H. Kühn, and M. Steinhauser, Nucl. Phys. B [**482**]{}, 213 (1996). K. G. Chetyrkin, R. Harlander, and M. Steinhauser, Phys. Rev. D [**58**]{}, 014012 (1998). G. A. Baker and P. Graves-Morris, [*Padé approximants*]{}, 2nd ed. (Cambridge University Press, Cambridge, 1996). C. M. Bender and S. A. Orszag, [*Advanced Mathematical Methods for Scientists and Engineers*]{} (McGraw-Hill, New York, NY, 1978). D. Broadhurst and D. Kreimer, in preparation (2000). E. J. Weniger, Phys. Rev. Lett. [**77**]{}, 2859 (1996).

GT300 The GT300 may refer to: A Super GT car category The GT300 family of graphics processors from Nvidia

Q: Is false considered to be nil in rspec? There is field name active in customer table. It validates as below in customer.rb: validates :active, :presence => true Here is the rspec code to test a field short_name: it "should be OK with duplicate short_name in different active status" do customer = Factory(:customer, :active => false, :short_name => "test user") customer1 = Factory.build(:customer, :active => true, :short_name => "Test user") customer1.should be_valid end Validation for short_name is: validates :short_name, :presence => true, :uniqueness => { :scope => :active } The above code causes the error: 1) Customer data integrity should be OK with duplicate short_name in different active status Failure/Error: customer = Factory(:customer, :active => false, :short_name => "test user") ActiveRecord::RecordInvalid: Validation failed: Active can't be blank # ./spec/models/customer_spec.rb:62:in `block (3 levels) in <top (required)>' It seems that the false value assigned to field active was considered to be blank or nil by rspec and failed the data validation check. Tried to use 0 for false and it causes the same error. The rspec case passes if removing the validation for field active. A: This is not a rspec issue, it's related to Rails' validation. I suppose your active field is a boolean and, to quote the validates_presence_of documentation: If you want to validate the presence of a boolean field (where the real values are true and false), you will want to use validates_inclusion_of :field_name, :in => [true, false] This is due to the way Object#blank? handles boolean values. false.blank? # => true So simply change your validator to something like the following (assuming you want the "sexy" syntax) and it should work: validates :active, :inclusion => [true, false]

## Contents Title Page Dedication and Acknowledgements Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 About the Author Notes Collecting Smiles by Melody Burris Copyright © 2013 Melody Burris. All Rights Reserved. Smashwords Edition. ISBN: 9781311309624 Dedicated to my Michael, who wonderfully supports me in all I do and makes my world a place of dreams. Acknowledgments Many thanks to all of my friends who have read the various drafts of this book and have helped with the editing. Also, I want to express special appreciation to all the families I have met who have chosen adoption. Your stories and your families inspire me and give me hope for a better world. Chapter 1 My name is Megan Johnson and I collect smiles, not the 'here's your change, have a nice day' kind of smiles, but real face brightening smiles. I'm not really sure when I started collecting. I can remember as a little girl telling my mom to smile when she was looking sad. I can remember trying to make my brothers laugh when they fell and scraped their knees. I can even remember practicing my smile in the bathroom mirror – both with and without my mom's lipstick. Why smiles? Because they are happy things, and who doesn't love happy? My fellow collector, and all around best friend, Spencer and I started keeping a weekly tally about six years ago. It became a contest, really, with each of us trying to generate the most smiles for our collections. As a rule, we don't count our own smiles unless something really big happens. My journal, which I'm not very good at writing in, contains each week's totals from both of us for at least the last four years. Sometimes I like to go back and look at it when I'm feeling down. I can't always remember the circumstances but there are a few weeks of really high or really low tallies that stand out. One particular week I will never forget. It was the very first week I was in the hospital for my cancer treatments. I must have looked awful because no matter what I said or did, no one would give me a genuine smile. I remember how that discouraged me more than the pain or gloomy room. One night as I was finding it hard to sleep I flipped through the limited television channels looking for a distraction. I stopped at an old favorite from when I was little, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. There was something comforting about its familiar music and his calm voice. I'd been surrounded by calm voices, lately everyone had taken to talking to me in hushed tones, but his was more than calm; it was happy. I watched for a few minutes and then as if it were just for me the camera zoomed in on his face and he smiled a real face lightening smile. It cheered me up so much. I recorded it as a half point in my journal because it seemed like cheating to give it full credit. This week I'm not really sure I want to count all 136 smiles I've received, because again it seems like cheating. Everyone smiles at you the first couple of weeks of school. You know the smiles I mean, the 'oh, someone new, I should leave a good impression' kind. Jackie my roommate was a master at bringing these smiles out in people, so if I was with her it was all dimples and teeth and nice to meet you. She seemed to bounce her way through life and though she claimed to be shy, I hadn't seen it yet. The first weekend we'd baked bread to take to all of our neighbors. I counted those smiles because even though Jackie did all the baking, I washed the dishes afterwards. Now she was making enough spaghetti to feed an army and I wasn't even a troop. I watched her brush her hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand as she stirred her homemade sauce on the stove. She looked so domestic, kind of like a mom standing there in her pink apron. I took the hair scrunchie that I always wore on my wrist just in case and pulled her hair back for her. "Oh! Thanks, Megan." This smile I could count. "No problem, Jackie, but who's going to eat all of this?" "It's not that much. We'll just have leftovers." "Yeah, leftovers for a week. When are Kristen and Melissa due back?" "I don't think until late tonight." "Right, okay I'll be right back to set the table. You keep cooking." The apartment complex we lived in had four buildings. Two of the buildings housed girls, and the other two were for the boys. I knew from experience that when it came to large quantities of food, nothing beat boys. With purpose, I set off across the parking lot to the first stairwell of building D. I loved Jackie's cooking but I was not going to eat leftover spaghetti for a week. There was no answer at the first door I knocked on so I climbed the stairs and tried again. This time before the door even opened, I knew someone was home because I could hear the television. The door edged open a little and a tanned, freckled face peeped out. "Can I help you?" "Yes, my name is Megan and I live across the way in building A. I was wondering if you and your roommates would like to come over for dinner." "Umm... come in." He opened the door wide enough for me to pass inside. The apartment was a mirror image of ours even down to the furniture, which the complex must have ordered in bulk. The one big difference was the TV in the corner. It was blaring ESPN and the guy seated on the edge of the couch was glued. "Nathan, this is Megan." Nathan glanced up and gave a halfhearted wave before redirecting his eyes to the game. "Hi, Nathan." "Wait here. I'll go get the others." I wondered over to the sofa and sat down without an invitation. I doubted Nathan was much for manners. I studied the side of his face looking for any clue as to how I might win a smile from him. I suspected he was a hard nut to crack, but with time, I felt up to the challenge. With his close cropped hair and his soccer obsession, he reminded me a lot of my brother, Matt. "Megan, is it?" I stood looking at the two guys that were standing near the hall. A familiar face with sandy blond hair greeted me. I was not sure how to count the smile, I suspected it was one of those first meeting kind. "I understand you bring an invitation." "My roommate Jackie and I are in need of some assistance. You would really be helping us out if you guys came to dinner. We have an issue with portion control at our place, and I'm not overly fond of leftovers." Smirks are good, but they don't count. "Sounds great. What do you say, Mark?" The tall, floppy haired guy next to Andy smiled politely, but seemed distracted. "I guess so. Thanks, Megan. I just need to send a text first." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and headed back down the hall to his room. Andy smirked again and shook his head affectionately at his roommate. "Well, that's two so far. How about you, John, shall we dine with the ladies?" John shrugged an approval then looked down at the floor. A smile from this one may be completely out of my depth. He was obviously very shy, the way Jackie insisted she was but only real. I looked over at Nathan who seemed oblivious to what was happening around him. "What about you?" I tried to call out during a lull in the game. "Don't worry about Nathan. He'll be there. I guess that makes all of us. You may count on four for dinner." "Great, give us about 20 minutes. We are in apartment 7A. See you soon." I was feeling pretty proud of myself as I walked into my apartment. Ours smelled so homey and was brighter than D41 had been. Jackie would be so happy that we were having guests. I snuck up behind her as she was draining the pasta. She only jumped a little when I clamped my hand down on her shoulder, but the pan clanged into the sink. "Oh! You scared me!" "Sorry, but I have good news. We are having guests for dinner." "Well it's kind of short notice, but there's plenty. Who is it, A11, or B24? Did you invite Rachel?" "Nope, it's D41." "D41? But that's the boys' dorms." I watched as terror slowly spread across her face. It was kind of amazing to see the expression creep into place and then freeze. "Jackie, what's wrong?" "You invited boys?" "Is that a problem? I just figured they were the best choice given the amount of spaghetti you made." "But I can't talk to boys." She bit at her lip while she yanked at the ties of her apron. "I've got to change, do my makeup and my hair. When are they coming?" "In about 15 minutes." "Fifteen minutes?" She dashed down the hall and called over her shoulder. "You can finish the salad and set the table. Don't forget the placemats." I was used to Jackie overreacting but this was a bit much, even for her. I got out the treasured powder blue placemats she'd made for a young women's project and paid strict attention to my place settings. I was more of a paper plate kind of girl but it was important to Jackie, and I had apparently caused her some distress. I thought back over the last couple of weeks with her and all of our trips around to meet people. She was usually so outgoing and then it hit me, all those visits had been to girls. Was she really not able to talk to boys? Between her, Nathan, and John, dinner should be interesting. Maybe I would have to pull out my silly jokes to keep things going. The doorbell rang as I was putting the salad on the table. Jackie hurried down the hall and paused casually near the kitchen counter. Well, she tried for casual but her fidgeting hands gave her away. I gave her an encouraging smile and opened the door. They all filed in and I turned to introduce them to Jackie but she was no longer there. I found her by the sink filling up glasses with water. "Jackie, this is Andy, John, Nathan, and Mark. Guys, this is Jackie, my roommate and the cook." Andy stepped forward and offered his hand to shake but Jackie panicked and handed him the glass of water in her hand instead. "Thank you. Do you need help with anything else?" I had to give him full marks for effort. He was a bit formal, but definitely nice. "Um... no. I've got it." Jackie gave him a small smile that showed just the start of one dimple on her right cheek and turned for more glasses. "Have a seat. We should have everything on the table soon." I said, then followed Jackie into the kitchen. "You're doing fine, just take a deep breath and let's go." Jackie nodded and fixed a smile on her face that couldn't have looked more fake if she was a mannequin. After the prayer, we were off to a rocky start. Nathan began to shovel spaghetti in his mouth in a spot-on impersonation of my brother, Drew. Jackie stared at her plate and kept adjusting the napkin in her lap. "Does anyone know why when birds fly south one of the legs of the V is longer than the other?" Everyone turned their eyes to me and I smiled wickedly. Someone had given me a book of nonsense jokes while I was in the hospital. In my boredom, I'd memorized them all in just a couple of days. One of my favorite things about these kinds of jokes were the groans they induced. I should probably start collecting those too, they can be just as fun as smiles. Nathan seemed to be pondering a solution and the look of frustration on his face made me laugh. Mark beamed at me through his dark lashes, amusement apparent on his face. I counted it. "So what's the answer?" Jackie asked. "Do you give up?" "No!" Nathan blurted out. He tapped his fingers on the table in a rapid rhythm. "Come on, Nathan. You'll never get it, just let her tell us." Andy was watching me as if I might steal second base. "Fine. What's the answer?" I paused a moment waiting to savor the groans. "Because there are more birds on that side." I was not disappointed. By the end of dinner, Jackie seemed to be feeling better. Andy and Mark were both really good at making conversation. Originally, we'd fallen back on the basics like where we were from and what our majors were, but eventually we got some more interesting facts. I felt a little forgetful when it came out that Andy was the new Elder's Quorum President for our ward. No wonder he'd looked familiar. Mark and Andy had also been mission companions in Atlanta. You could tell they were close. John was a man of few words and most of them were monosyllable but I suspect that was mostly to hide his Texas accent. When phone numbers were exchanged, plans made for the next day, and the dishes done, Jackie went screaming through the house. "I can't believe you did that." She paused long enough to put her hands on my shoulders and look me in the eyes. "I thought I was going to die. But they are so sweet and cute." She jumped up and down still holding my shoulders. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Then she smiled and I counted it. I called Mom the next morning just to hear her voice. I'd missed her this week. "Megan, your timing is perfect. I'm just sitting here at Kelly's dance practice." My little sister was very graceful and had quite the talent for ballet. Mom was amused that they had tried a modern dance piece this time and Kelly wasn't sure she wanted to wiggle her hips the way the other girls did. "I'm proud of her modesty," Mom said before she switched subjects. "Megan, I've been wondering when your test results are coming back. Did Dr. Swenson tell you when to expect them? They usually don't take this long." Oh, no. I was hoping she had forgotten about that. "No, I didn't actually go to the appointment," I said weakly. "What!" Mom was not happy. I jumped in to defend myself before she got too angry. "Mom, I wasn't able to get off work that day. They really needed me. It's no big deal. I feel fine." Mom was taking deep breaths, deep cleansing breaths like the ones you take to avoid yelling at someone and then you do it anyway. It was the same breathing exercise I had seen her do many times when dealing with my twin brothers, Matt and Drew. "Megan, I understand that you hate these appointments, but you know that they are important." She sighed, "It would have been better if you had seen Dr. Swenson, but I guess it is time you established yourself with a doctor there. Normally, I would trust you to make these kinds of arrangements, but since it is clear that you do not want to do this ... I will take care of it." "Okay, Mom. I need to go now. I have homework. Bye." I hung up the phone, feeling guilty for missing the appointment and also for lying about the homework. I just didn't want to talk to her anymore. I didn't want to talk about that. Why did this have to be such a big deal? I spent the better part of the next afternoon helping my roommates pick out their clothes. Jackie was kind of a lost cause with all the pink in her closet so we gathered all the dark shirts and pants we could find and threw them on my bed. Melissa was excited to meet the guys that Jackie had been gushing about all day. Kristen thought it might be fun, but since she had a steady boyfriend, she wasn't all that interested in the prospects in D41. * * * When the boys showed up at 8:35, they were decked out for the occasion. Nathan was especially prepared, dressed in black from head to toe. I thought the knit cap was a nice touch but he did look like a bank robber. Andy stood out because of his conspicuous use of cologne. He must have had the same dilemma Jackie and Melissa did. He smelled nice but it was a bit strong; he would be easy to track in the dark. Mark apologized for making everyone late and explained that his phone call home had run a little long. None of the other girls seemed inclined to chastise him for it and I couldn't fault them - with his curly dark hair and endearing smile there was little to dislike. "Is something up?" I asked. "Not really. My brother, Christian, just needed some help with his homework." That was nice. I wondered if my brothers would be that nice if I called them for things like that. Kristen took charge and introduced herself and Melissa. This started a round of introductions that included much of the information from last night. The girls of course already knew all these details from Jackie's briefing earlier, but the guys didn't need to know that. "We should go before it gets too late," Nathan said. We were led out to Nathan's and Andy's little cars. Andy gestured for me to get into his car and I climbed into the front passenger seat. I looked in the backseat and immediately felt guilty because Mark was sitting with his knees almost to his chest. "Do you want the front seat? You look uncomfortable." "No, I'm fine. It's a short ride." He smiled at me, it was a nice smile, but I didn't count it because he still looked so awkward and uncomfortable. There were lots of big bushes and trees at the park. We huddled together to quickly review the rules for sardine hide and seek. Once everyone knew what they were doing, we all closed our eyes and John sneaked off quietly to hide. One hundred counts later, we split up to look for him. I went to the right towards a pair of large bushes that were barely visible in the dark. Just before I reached the first bush, I looked back toward the others. Jackie was coming in my direction too, only she was aiming toward the farther bush. I could see three other outlines in the distance spread out over the field. Two were missing? Had they found John already? I decided to go with my original plan anyway. I circled the bush, which was actually a pine tree whose branches sagged to the ground. Slowly I went looking for any signs; still, I nearly missed it. Just before I gave up and headed to the other bush, I caught sight of a white piece of shoe sticking out from under the bush. I dropped to my knees immediately, hoping that I could get hidden before Jackie saw me. I scrambled under the bush next to John. In the darkness, it was hard to be sure, but I thought I saw him bury his face in his arms. Luckily, the tree was big enough to conceal me. My legs were much shorter that his. Jackie was approaching us now. I tried to hold my breath but it was difficult. My heart beating fast, from my mad rush to shimmy under the low branches of the pine on my stomach. She circled once and didn't see us. After taking a few steps away, something made her turn and come back. This time she crawled around looking for us. One pair of white shoes later she was scrunching in under the branches on the other side of John. "Hi guys." she whispered. "It sure is tight under here." "Just wait." I whispered back. John shushed us and Jackie giggled. "It's okay everyone else is still clear across the field. That's how I knew you must be here, 'cause Megan wasn't out there and because your shoes stick out, John." He began to wiggle further towards the large trunk to hide his feet better, but there was only so far he could go. The movement stirred up the dirt in the lower branches of the pine. I tried to stifle a sneeze, but it was too late. I buried my face in my arms and tried to sneeze as quietly as I could. We laid there in the stillness waiting to be discovered. Jackie was still giggling softly, now and then, as the pressure got to her. John's head hadn't come up from his arms in a while. This closeness must be really difficult for someone as shy as he was. Being short has its disadvantages. The next person to join us saw John's feet again and tried to climb in next to him right on top of me. I groaned then tried to move out of the person's way. "Sorry," a soft voice said from my right. "It's okay." I whispered. Soft curls brushed my face as he scooted into place so it must be Mark. I moved a little farther away to give him more room. A moment later, there was rustling sound of someone climbing in on the other side of Jackie. I counted in my head. There were still three searchers. How could we fit two more people under here? We went at least half way around the bush now and surely, Mark's feet were sticking out too. It wouldn't be long before we were all caught. The next one to slide in on my left was Andy; the musky/floral smell gave him away instantly. It blended nicely with the pine scent. He had just gotten settled when we heard. "Okay, we know you guys are in there. You can come out now." There was a collective sigh of relief as people started to back up, scooting along on their bellies. Standing near the bush were Nathan, who was nearly invisible in his black and Melissa who was laughing at us as we dusted off. "Great hiding place, John." Nathan said appreciatively. "I think I can top it." We stretched and Nathan, excited for his turn, ran off into the dark. "Start counting," he called over his shoulder. I picked sticks and pine needles out of my hair as I counted along with the group. The counting done, I headed out across the field towards the distant tree line. Only the light from the occasional street lamp lit the park enough for me to make out shapes; it was truly dark now. I was aware that someone was following close behind me, probably Jackie. I changed my course so that I could shake her pursuit. "Megan, wait up." an unexpected voice called from the darkness. "Andy?" "John said you were the first to find him. I thought I would tag along with you." "Okay," I said feeling a little weird. I slowed my pace and he was soon beside me. We made our way towards the line of trees again. Looking for Nathan proved to be very difficult. I was sure that he was the best hide and seeker I had ever come across. We walked from tree to tree looking up into them. From the figures moving around in the darkness, I didn't think anyone else had found him either. Twenty minutes later, there were just as many seekers as there had been at the beginning of the game. We gathered in the middle of the field. My eyes scanned the park looking for anyplace we hadn't searched. "Nathan!" Mark and Andy called. "Nathan!" we all joined in. "We give up." After a moment, Nathan appeared behind us. "Told you I could do better," he said smugly. I counted his smile because it was so impish and full of fun. It hadn't taken me as long to get a smile out of him as I'd expected. "That was definitely a good hiding place. Where were you?" "I'll never tell. Maybe I can use it next time." "It's getting pretty late." Kristen said with a yawn. She was taking 18 credits this semester and she'd had a long week. "This was really fun! We should do it again," Jackie added. Then she smiled. I was getting a lot of smiles from her this week. There were several head nods around the group and I was glad that everyone was happy. We climbed back into the cars and this time I offered Mark the front seat. He shook his head and climbed in the back, knees to his chest. I started to feel guilty, but then I saw that he was sitting next to Jackie again, and I thought that maybe he had chosen that seat on purpose. She certainly looked comfortable. Chapter 2 The guys gave us a ride to church the next day. Already we were starting to act like a group. As the week went by, it seemed much of my free time was spent at apartment D41, or at least out on the basketball courts with its occupants. Nathan was the fiercest competitor; he hated to lose to a girl but I wasn't really very good at basketball so he didn't have to worry much. Playing against John and Mark was kind of pointless; they only had to hold the ball over their head and I couldn't reach. Andy wasn't that bad of an opponent: like me, he wasn't very good, but he had fun playing. He and I lost miserably in a game of two on two with Nathan and John. Friday, I made several batches of double chocolate chip cookies. They were my brother George's favorite. He'd just gotten off his mission last February and was attending ASU this year because it was close to home and to Lindsey. I'd been hoping that he would be attending BYU with me this year, but Lindsey had swept him off his feet as soon as he'd gotten home. I was lucky to spend any time with him this last summer. It just worked out that Lindsey was gone for a family trip at the end of July so George and I had gone camping. That's when he told me he was going to be asking Lindsey to marry him. I was still waiting to hear back how it went. I planned to share the cookies with my new friends. My cooking skills were nearly nonexistent but I knew guys enough to know that food was always a good idea and this was something I could make. It was kind of a way to say thank you for making me feel like I had my brothers around me again. I preferred my life crowded with people and smiles. John answered the door again and greeted me with an awkward gulp, despite the fact that he knew me well now. "I brought cookies," I said, holding the plate up. This brought Nathan to life on the sofa. His head popped up at the invitation but he quickly turned back to the game. In a perfect impression of my younger brother, Matt, he got up, backed toward the plate, and snagged a few cookies all while keeping his eyes on the television screen. Ah, just like home, I sighed contentedly. The first door in the hallway opened and Andy came through it talking over his shoulder as he went. When he saw me, he smiled a bright, happy to see you, kind of smile. I counted it. These guys were always smiling. It was wonderful to have such happy friends. "Megan, I didn't know you were here. What grand adventure do you have planned tonight?" "No adventure, just cookies," I said waving a hand at the half empty plate. Next time, I would have to bring more or limit Nathan to two. He reached for one eagerly and took a big bite. "These are awesome! Shame about the adventure, though. Mark and I were just trying to decide what to do tonight." I thought about that for a moment. "What, no dates? You two really have to stop waiting for the girls to come to you." Andy blushed slightly at that, then said impishly, "But it works, look here you are, with food again." Trying to ignore how true that was, I suggested, "The courts were full when I came over but maybe we could play some board games?" "Yeah, that sounds good. I have Sorry?" "Excellent. We should make some popcorn or something. Do you have any?" "That would be a good thing to have, but no. Sorry." "No problem. I will go and make some and see if anyone else wants to join us, okay?" "We may need more than one game if we get too many people. Got any?" "I have a couple: Pictionary, Skip Bo, and Trivial Pursuit." "Wow. You came to school prepared." "Recreation major, remember. Besides, I like games. I'll be back soon." Then I left to get the girls and more snacks because the cookies were all gone. * * * The next morning I lay in bed for a long time trying to get up and moving. After games, we'd decided to attend a late night movie and I was feeling it. My phone rang and Jackie groaned. "Sorry," I whispered, getting out of bed. I grabbed my phone and answered it so the ring tone would stop. "Just a minute," I whispered. When I was out in the hall, with the door closed behind me, I said, "Hi, Mom. What's up?" "Did you just wake up, Megan? It's ten in the morning." It was amazing how she could scold just as good over the phone as she could in person. "Yeah, I had a late night," I yawned. "Well, wake up and get a calendar." Startled by the request, I reached for my backpack sitting in the corner of the dining room and found my ratty old planner in the front pocket. "Okay Mom, I'm ready." "Good, how does next Tuesday look in the afternoon, say around three?" "Fine." I said puzzled. Then I remembered my last conversation with my mom. I thought quickly, "Hey Mom, I was thinking I should probably just stay with Dr. Swenson. He knows my case and everything so could you make me an appointment for Thanksgiving time?" "That would work except for the fact that your brother is getting married that weekend. Besides, I already have an appointment for you with a doctor there." "George is getting married. He didn't tell me that he had proposed already. When? Thanksgiving? Wow, that is fast." I was so excited I didn't even care about the appointment. "Yes, they haven't left me much time to plan things. At least her family is doing most of the reception. We will need to fly you home so that you will be here for the whole thing. Lindsey wants you to be a bridesmaid." "Okay, just tell me what you need me to do and I will be there. And could you hit George for me for not giving me the details like he promised." "He probably wouldn't even notice. He is on his own planet at the moment. Now, Megan, I am serious about this appointment. You told me you are free so I expect you to go. Dr. Swenson is sending copies of all your records, so you have no excuse. I have emailed you all the information. I expect to hear from you Tuesday night to tell me how it went." She was going to be difficult about this, apparently. "Okay, Mom. Tell George and Lindsey congrats for me." "Love you, Megan." "I love you too, Mom." I hung up the phone worrying now about the appointment. I hated feeling burdened by this. How frustrating that my plan for skipping it this year didn't work. I grabbed some cereal and tried to focus on my day. There just wasn't enough homework to keep me busy. Besides, I needed something to lighten my mood. Today would be a good day for a bike ride. I stopped by D41 on my way out just to remind them about the concert. This time when I entered, I met Nathan's twin sister. "Hi, I'm Emily," she said as she practically bounced across the room to me. Emily was a couple of inches taller than Nathan, but had similar features making their relationship obvious. She was spunky and sweet with beautiful dark eyes that almost twinkled. "I'm Megan; it's really nice to meet you Emily." She dragged me to the sofa and plopped me down to join the group watching some rerun of a game. She treated me like an old friend. "I just came to remind you guys about Melissa's concert tonight, if you can make it." "You should stay here with us, Megan. After the game, we are all heading out for some ice cream. Come with us." She glanced between John and me as if sizing up the competition. Then she smiled at me but it was too territorial for me to count. "Thanks but I really had my heart set on a ride. It sounds like you guys have plans though, so I will go." I jumped up before she could object, it wasn't really necessary; she wasn't going to be sad about my leaving her alone with John. I couldn't help finding the whole thing funny as I got on my bike. Emily was definitely in flirt mode and I couldn't help thinking about the discomfort that was going to cause John and Nathan. I rode along through town staying focused and aware of the Saturday traffic. Once I passed the freeway, things were less crowded. It felt good to get out and bike somewhere flat. I pedaled as fast as I could, enjoying the breeze it created. I really didn't want to think about my upcoming appointment so I focused on the movie we'd seen last night. It was nice that I had made some good friends but I still missed Spencer. He and I had done everything together since we met in eighth grade. Playing ball and games with the guys was fine, but Spencer was who I really needed right now. Knowing how hard these yearly appointments were for me, he always planned something fun to do afterwards. I didn't have anyone here to talk to and I could feel some panic rising. I arrived at the park that sat beside Utah Lake. It was very quiet today; I was surprised because it was beautiful. I laid down on my stomach, giving my backside a rest. I could feel the warm sun on the back of my neck, thanks to the braid I'd hastily done this morning. It was an unusual sensation for me; my thick, curly hair was always in the way. I tried not to be too frustrated that I didn't have the soft manageable hair like my sister's. It could be a lot worse, as I knew first hand. There had been a time when any hair would have been nice, though I had a cool collection of hats. Laying there, I listened to the ducks splashing at the edge of the lake. When I woke up the sun was no longer overhead but setting. I drowsily looked at my watch. Great, there was only a half an hour until the concert; why did I fall asleep? If I was going to get there on time, I was going to need a ride. I picked up my phone and called Mark because he was the only one with a truck for my bike. "Hey Megan?" said a soft tenor voice. "Hi Mark. I hate to ask, but I need a ride." "Sure, when and where?" "Well actually... I'm at Utah Lake. I fell asleep and Melissa's concert starts in about 30 minutes." "Are you there at the park?" "Yes." "I'm on my way," he hung up. I stretched then groaned, I had been sleeping for about three hours and that pleasant sun had burned my neck and the back of my legs. Well, I'd had worse. I stood and dusted off the grass that was stuck to my shirt and shorts. Unfortunately, dusting off didn't take care of the wrinkles. At least, I was wearing something without stains; still, it was a little casual for the concert. I checked my watch again; changing wasn't going to happen. My phone rang and I checked to make sure it wasn't my mom. I didn't really want to talk to her now. "Hello?" "Hey, it's just me. I'm almost there." "Oh, Hi Mark. Thank you so much for doing this. I hope I'm not interrupting any plans?" "No, I was just waiting at home for a call from my sister but I can wait for that anywhere." "Good, then do you want to go to Melissa's concert with me? It's her first and she's a little nervous." "I'm not really dressed for it." "If you are wearing something other than a t-shirt and shorts you will be better dressed than me." I was glad that the concert wasn't being held in one of the big auditoriums because they probably wouldn't even let me in. "We can just sneak in back and slip out before anyone notices us." "You're on," he said with enthusiasm. "I'm going to hang up now I have something to take care of." "Okay, see you soon. Be watching for me." I was relieved to find the bathrooms open. I splashed some cool water from the sink on my neck hoping to calm the sting. My legs didn't hurt unless I bent my knee too far. They would probably ache all through the concert but that's what I get for falling asleep in the sun, even on a pleasant day. I heard a horn honk, he was closer than I'd thought. I slowly walked out of the restroom trying not to feel my legs. Waving so that Mark could see me, I walked over to where my bike was laying on the grass. When Mark saw where I was headed he hopped out of the truck and jogged over to it. We got there about the same time. "I've got it," he said, picking up my bike. "Thanks," I said smiling back at him, secretly glad that I wouldn't have to bend down to get it. He carefully lifted it into the back of his truck and opened the passenger door for me. I gingerly climbed in extending my legs out again as soon as I could. He laughed and gave me an odd look, "My truck doesn't bite." He closed my door and walked around to his door. "I just have a little sunburn." I explained as he backed up. "How bad?" "It's nothing, I've had worse. The concert is in the HFAC." I looked at my watch. "It starts in 15 minutes." "We'll make it even with a stop." "A stop?" but I didn't get an answer to my question right then, because Mark's phone rang. "Hi, Rebecca." There was a pause. "Hey, sorry but I can't talk now. I will call you tomorrow after church, okay? Love you too. Bye." "That's nice." I said reflexively. "My brothers never call and they never say I love you." He smirked, "I guess I'm just an awesome brother then." I collected another smile. "I guess so!" He laughed but I was serious. In the time that I had known him, Mark was forever on the phone with his brothers or sisters; helping them with homework or just catching up. We pulled into a pharmacy parking lot. "Wait here, I will be really fast." Three minutes later, he was back with a small bag in his hand. "Put this on it will help." I looked into the bag he handed me. "Aloe Vera Gel?" "It's really good for sunburns." "I know. I've just never seen it in a bottle before. We have a big plant of it growing in the backyard." "Good, then you know it is a bit sticky at first. Still, it beats the pain." I opened the bottle and sniffed the very faint odor. It was the same stuff. Mark took the bottle from my hand and squeezed a small amount into his palm. "Hold your hair out of the way," he ordered. I leaned closer holding my braid up. The cool gel on my neck was heavenly, I sighed. "This is pretty red, I hope you don't blister." "Thank you." I continued to hold my braid up waiting for the gel to dry. Mark rubbed his hands together as if he was washing them. "No problem. It's good for dry skin too." he held his hands up as if to prove it. "You can get your legs while we drive. We should get going." "What do you do that makes your hands so dry?" I hadn't seen rough dry skin like that since my hands last winter when I had tried skiing without the proper gear. "I wash them a lot." He looked at me a moment then went on, "I'm a nurse's assistant at a nursing home here in town." He looked at me again expecting some kind of reaction. "Wow, do you like it?" He smiled, "Yes I do. And it's good training. I'm going to be a nurse." "Really?" I didn't really think of men as nurses but I guess they existed, why not? "Aren't you going to laugh, Andy does?" "Why, people laugh at me for majoring in recreation but it suits me. If nursing suits you, who cares. I bet you are really good at your job." "Thanks," his smile got even bigger and he beat his hands on the steering wheel once and straightened up. "We should park as close as we can. It's getting late and your legs aren't up for walking far." Miraculously, we managed to get a place not too far from the building, and we walked as quickly as my pain would allow to the recital hall in the basement. Sneaking in just after the opening prayer, we found two seats at the back. Melissa was beautiful and her silver flute shined against her black satin dress. She and the other performers were really good. I looked over at Mark during one song to find that he had his eyes closed. Had he fallen asleep? I certainly couldn't blame him for that. Maybe late night movies were not a good idea for this crowd. I watched a smile spread across his lips and his fingers moved in time with the music tapping on his leg. He was awake, he was just enjoying. I really wanted to give Melissa a hug after the performance but she was swept away by a crowd as soon as the closing prayer was over. I would see her at home and congratulate her there. Mark and I left quietly. "Andy's really going to be sorry that he had to work tonight." Mark said as we drove toward home. "Yeah, Melissa was great. Does he really likes music?" "Yes, but I think he would have just liked hanging out with you." "Oh, yeah. Because I have been such a fun person to be around with my sunburn and everything," "I enjoyed it." I laughed, "Well you are just easy to please, then. It must come from being such a perfect brother. Where does Andy work?" "He's a waiter in a little restaurant downtown. He works most Saturday nights." We pulled into our parking lot. "Thank you so much for the ride and the aloe. It was fun to have someone to hang out with at the concert. I'll see you tomorrow for church?" "Yep. Megan, wait!" he hollered after me as I walked off toward my apartment. "Did you forget something?" I looked at him trying to remember what I was forgetting. "Your bike?" "Oops, I'm doing really well today," I said feeling a little embarrassed. "You do seem kind of distracted. Something up?" "Truthfully, yes... but it's kind of private," I admitted. Mark was really a sweetheart but he didn't need to worry about my problems. Mark carried my bike over to the bike rack and I locked it up. "Let me know if you change your mind," he said supportively. "And make sure you drink lots of water, with that burn you could get dehydrated." "You're just awesome, Mark. Thanks." I walked into the quiet apartment and went to take a shower. Maybe if I kept the water cool enough it wouldn't hurt too badly. When I was done I applied the aloe again, it felt so much better already. I was sticky and stiff when the front door opened and I heard a large group of people entering. Maybe some of the crowd had followed them home. Listening more closely. I was sure that I heard male voices in the mix. I'd better congratulate her later since I was already dressed for bed. I laid on my bed and read my scriptures for a while, and then I checked my email. There it was, the email from my mom. My appointment was with a Dr. Warrenbach at 3 pm on Tuesday. The map to the oncology clinic showed that it was close enough that I could ride my bike. There was no need to ask anyone for a ride so no one would have to know about it. What a relief, now my mom and I would be the only ones stressing over this. After about an hour, I heard the sounds of several people leaving. Melissa's voice got louder. "Yeah! It's over!" I stuck my head out and didn't see anyone so I tiptoed down the hall. Kristen, Melissa, and Jackie were chatting. "Your performance was wonderful, Melissa," I said as I walked into view. "Megan, where were you?" Kristen asked, exasperation clear on her face. "Long story. I made it to the concert but I was just a little under dressed so we left right after. It really was good. You were so beautiful." "Thanks. You know Kristen, Jackie... I was just thinking that I was in the mood for a long story and that 'we' intrigues me." I scrunched my face not really wanting to share my story and Jackie giggled. With a sigh I said, "Okay, scoot over. Is there any of that ice cream left?" "Freezer." Kristen said pointing. "Don't get up, start talking and I'll get it." Jackie said jumping up with her usual enthusiasm. "Really it isn't a very interesting story." They all looked at me expectantly anyway so I began. "I rode my bike out to Utah Lake today. I had plenty of time and the weather was so nice. I guess last night caught up with me and I fell asleep. I didn't wake up until 6:30. Knowing that I couldn't make it in time, I called Mark and he came to get me. He was really nice about it and was happy to stay for your concert too. He'll probably mention it tomorrow," I said looking at Melissa. "Anyway he brought me home, oh and he bought me some aloe for my sunburn. That's really all there is." Three sets of eyes were staring at me as if they could wring something more out of my story. Jackie's seemed to be smiling as if she knew something. "Sunburn?" Kristen asked. "I guess I left that part out. Well, I fell asleep in the sun, you know, it happens. I burned the back of my neck and the back of my legs. The aloe is helping though." "That was really nice of Mark," Jackie smirked. I remembered then that I had suspected something between them. I was completely confused when she asked, "Are you guys going out again?" "What? We weren't on a date. He just came to my rescue." "Sure." Three voices echoed back at me and I added three to my smile total bringing the final tally of the week to 51. Chapter 3 The next day, I was carefully lowered into Andy's front seat. He held my hand in an effort to ease my descent into the car and allow me to keep my legs straighter. I was starting to feel a little silly about things. "Really, I'm fine," I protested. "It's just a sunburn. The aloe worked wonders. I can barely feel it this morning." Jackie was smirking from the back seat at me, again. I wanted to stick my tongue out at her but I didn't want to have to explain it to Andy. She could see romance everywhere. It was so annoying. Andy kept looking over at me as he drove. "You're really quiet today. Are you sure you feel okay?" "I'm just tired, I guess. I have a busy week ahead of me." And a horribly worrisome one; I hated these appointments. I kind of missed having Spencer to talk too. I couldn't just drop a word like cancer into the conversation with my new friends and expect them not to freak out. Spencer knew how to treat it like nothing and that made it so much easier. He nodded, "Sure. I'm sorry I missed last night. I would have loved to help you out." We located everyone and found a section in the lecture hall big enough for all of us. If we added anyone else to our group, we would probably have to leave a little earlier for church. Jackie brought her friend Alisha over to sit with us. It was enjoyable to sit in my chair before church began listening to the whispered giggles and watching Jackie and Alisha look longingly at our male companions. The guys did look nice in their Sunday outfits. Nathan had a talent for picking snazzy ties. I wondered briefly if it was his sister Emily's taste or his. I was sitting in between Jackie and Andy. Mark and Nathan were seated on Andy's other side. Mark leaned forward so that he could speak to me. "How are you feeling today?" "I'm good. How are you?" He jokingly puffed out his chest. "Still as perfect as ever, thanks. Did you remember to drink?" "Yes, Mom," I mocked through a tight lipped smile. It was thoughtful, I guess, for him to check but I was worried he could see through me. It made me want to hide. "How is the burn? Hold up your hair so I can see." I made a big O with my mouth and covered it with my hand. Humor usually worked as a distraction. "Right here in church? Mark, please." He rolled his eyes at me then wiggled his eyebrows. How does he do that? I have always wanted to wiggle my eyebrows. "I could have asked to see your legs." He was good at this humor thing too. I laughed and collected my first smile of the week. Andy squirmed a little in his seat, we must be embarrassing him. I held my hair up without further comment for Mark's inspection. "Good, it does look lighter today, no blistering." He seemed satisfied and leaned back in his seat. I lowered my hair just as the prelude music ended. * * * I accepted an invitation to have dinner at D41 before the ward fireside that night. Eating dinner with John, Mark, Andy, and Nathan was almost familiar now. John even seemed to be relaxing a bit around me. He at least was seeing me as one of the guys. "I didn't know you could cook, it was delicious, thanks." I offered as I carried my plate to the sink. Andy smiled, "Anyone can make spaghetti. You should try my fried chicken." "Sounds good; I'm here the next time you make it," I said, shamelessly inviting myself. "In that case, I will make it next week." He spoke with a broad smile. That was smile number eleven already this today. We still had a little while until the fireside so together we did the dishes. The other roommates scattered. Mark was on the phone taking care of the call he had missed with his sister yesterday. Nathan and John were in the living room reading scriptures. "So is your sunburn really okay?" Andy asked craning his neck to see the back of mine. I lifted my hair, leaving some dish soap bubbles in my curls. "Yes, I'm fine. I just feel kind of silly that you guys are making such a fuss about it." "You shouldn't, that's what we're here for. I wish I hadn't been working, I probably would have been on that ride with you." "Oh, then we both would have needed a ride." "Nope, you never would have fallen asleep because I am very entertaining." He winked and reached to put a plate away in the cupboard. Smile number twelve; my totals were going to be really high hanging out with this crowd. "Megan," he began, and then paused drying another plate. He looked at me and I almost got the giggles because his face was so pained. "I was hoping that you would go out with me this Friday. My friend Rachel's ward is having a dance." I wasn't sure what to say, Andy was great. I hoped that he knew how much I liked him. I just didn't want to mess up the whole friendship thing. Apartment D41 had become my home away from home. For a small eternity, I pondered all the possibilities. How harmful could a date really be? Before I knew it, years of seeking smiles took over and I blurted out, "Sure, sounds like fun." The answering smile, number 13, was worth the butterflies in my stomach. "Great, I'll get the details to you later in the week." I handed him a clean pot and he dried it with the towel. What had just happened? I had an actual date. That had never happened before. Mark emerged from the hallway closing his phone. His eyes scanned the room and he looked straight at me. "Oh, Megan, I'm glad you're still here; I need a girl's opinion." "Step into my office. How can I help?" I said gesturing towards to table. "By the way, advice is five cents." "Can I run a tab?" "Anything for my rescuer." Andy cleared his throat behind me and then sat down next to me at the table. "Let's get to the point already. What's up Mark?" I was suddenly worried that I was going to have to give him advice on his love life. I may be a girl but I was clueless when it came to that topic. "Rebekah is coming for a visit." Andy pulled his shirt away from his neck with one finger as if he were feeling over heated and said, "Really, when? I'm finally going to get to meet her in person. Do you think I have time to plan a trip somewhere?" "Hey, that's my sister you are talking about." The indignation on Mark's face didn't quite reach his laughing eyes. Finally, I understood enough to jump in to the conversation. "Oh, Rebekah is your sister. Awesome! When is she coming and how can I help? And why is Andy feeling nervous? Does he like her?" "Of course not!" Andy blurted out a little louder than he needed to. "Hey, could you keep it down over there," Nathan hollered from the couch. "Sorry," we chorused. Mark was squinting at Andy, "He'd better not like her." "I don't. She is the one who wrote me, remember?" "Oooh, this sounds good.... Details, please." "There isn't much to tell really. Mark's sister is totally boy crazy and wrote not only letters to him but to every companion he had on his mission." Mark was now sitting with his head in his hands. It was an unusual posture for him. "So how old is this sister, Mark?" "Sixteen, and Andy's right; she is really boy crazy." I couldn't help but laugh at their discomfort. It was cute in a way. "So let's see, you have a perfectly normal teenage sister and this distresses you? Well, no worries. She will only be here a short time and I doubt she is so quick that she will find and marry some guy on campus. Though, this is BYU and we are kind of known for fast romances. Andy, here, might even be swept away by the girl who so faithfully wrote him." Mark groaned and Andy protested while I giggled. As my laughter died down, I began to sense that the mood was much more serious. Mark had not put his head up yet. Had I touched on some deep rooted worries? "Mark, I'm sorry. I was just teasing. Rebekah is going to be just fine. She will have a great visit and we will keep Andy away from her." I turned and winked at Andy who didn't seem to be enjoying the joke either. "Sorry," I mouthed to him. I reached between Mark's arm and head with my hand. I found his chin and forced it up. He responded by resting it on his stacked fists. His mouth still seemed thoughtful, almost frowning but his eyes were dancing again. "So, what's the plan, Megan?" "Well, what does she like to do? There are a ton of things we can do but it's kind of up to her." "I'm not really sure. We haven't spent a lot of time together over the past few years. Aside from the boy thing, which I don't think we should encourage, I'm at a loss." "Mark, you are one of the most devoted brothers I have ever seen. I don't believe that you don't know your own sister." "Sure, I know her but that doesn't mean I know what she wants to do." "Tell me about her, maybe we can figure it out. What kind of music does she like? Does she play any sports? What's her favorite subject in school? Does she want to go to school here?" "Can I think about it little bit? I can answer some of those questions but I think for tonight I just needed to know that you would help me." "No problem. I am excited to meet her." "Thanks, Megan, you are the best." Once again, my smile tally increased. Mark gave me a big bear hug as I got up from my chair. It threw my balance off just enough and he had to grab me even tighter to keep me from falling. I could feel the answering chuckle resonate in his chest. "I'm going to go and get the girls now," I said when he finally let go. "I'll come with you." Andy wrapped his arm around my shoulder and walked me to the door. When we were outside, he said, "It is really nice of you to help Mark. He gets so obsessed about his family sometimes. I'm glad you talked him down." "I think it's great that he cares so much." "Great, and a bit debilitating. You should have seen him on our mission." "Was it that bad?" "Oh, he was a great missionary but he worried a lot." "Well, he won't have to worry about this visit. We will make sure Rebekah has the best time." "You'll make sure. I, for one, will be laying low. I wasn't kidding about the boy crazy thing." "Are you really afraid of a 16 year old girl?" "Afraid, no. Terrified, yes. Especially since no matter what I do Mark will be watching me looking for hidden meaning. But Megan, I swear, I have no interest in his sister. You believe me right?" I bumped my arm against his and gave him my most innocent smile. "Sure, I believe you." "No really! This is so infuriating. Fine, I know how to make you believe me." He stopped me, placed his hands on my shoulders, and turned me towards him. "I like the one who I asked out for Friday night – and have since I first saw her." My face felt hot and I tried swallowing but there was something big in my throat blocking it. He relaxed his hands and let me go. "Understand?" I nodded mutely. "Okay, let's go get your roommates." * * * Monday night I got my weekly text from Spencer's mom, reporting his total. It was a system we'd worked out before he left so that I could continue to keep records for us. He'd had a pretty good week with a total of 67. His were probably a lot harder to get than mine were. I thought my tally had been pretty good this last week. I took a moment to recall some of the more breath taking smiles. It was like my new friends were helping me on purpose, but they didn't know about my little collection. After FHE group, I sat down to write Spencer a letter. It had been a while and I'd been thinking of him a lot lately. I wish I had him to tell me what to think of Andy's confessions. I wished I had him to distract me from my doctor appointment. It was just so wrong that he was gone so far away when I needed him so much. I was half way through a sheet of paper when I realized I was angry with him and it was definitely showing in my letter. I took a deep breath and crumpled the paper up. It wasn't his fault that he was across the world when I needed someone to talk to, but it still felt like it. I sat at the kitchen table feeling guilty for being mad and even guiltier for feeling bad about him serving the Lord. The real problem was that I didn't want to go to my appointment. I didn't want to be sick anymore and I definitely did not want to be looked on with pity, so telling anyone else about it was right out. I buried the wasted paper in the trash, ashamed that I had expressed such negative feelings. This bad mood was not really something I wanted to share with anyone so I grabbed my basketball and headed for the courts hoping the guys wouldn't be there. I wasn't really up for seeing them. Why did these appointments have to turn me into such an angry person? I didn't like myself when I felt that way. The next day I sat in the doctor's waiting room and tried the letter again. I was aiming for light and uplifting, and somehow focusing on the lighter side of things made my letter and my surroundings better. I reported my smile total to him and gave him a brief description of the guys that I spent so much of my time with these days. By the time the nurse called me back to the room, I had managed a supportive, upbeat, and positive three page letter. That night after dinner, I grabbed my cell and went for a walk. I still had to report to my mom and I didn't want anyone to overhear. The doctor's visit had been almost nothing with just a bunch of questions and a quick exam. I still had to go for a couple of tests after my Thursday classes. My mom was reassured as I told her Dr. Warrenbach was nice, and that he had read all through my files before I even arrived. I didn't tell her that he'd told me I could leave her off of my privacy list and she wouldn't be able to get my test results anymore. I hadn't seriously considered it but I enjoyed a few wicked moments thinking about it. After I gave the necessary report and promised to go for the tests like a good girl, I asked her about the wedding plans. I knew that this would distract her from what I didn't want to tell her about the appointment, and I was right. Lindsey seemed to be driving my mom nuts with picky little details. My mom disagreed with the color and flower choices. I was trying to find the best way to remind her that it was Lindsey's and George's wedding when she sighed. "Well it is their wedding, I guess I can deal with burgundy. I still think pink would be an easier color to work with." "Don't worry Mom, you will survive this. Just think, you only have four weddings left after this." "That's if all of you get married. I'm not so sure about Drew some days, he's so quiet." "Speaking of which, I have an actual date this weekend. Can you believe it?" "A real date, not some group thing?" "Yes, a real date; he asked me and everything." My stomach did a flip flop as I recalled his confession. "Well, I want a report on that, too. You can tell me when you call with your test results." "Mom, I don't think they'll have the results back by this weekend." "That's okay, I can wait... but I do expect to hear from you. Oops, got to go. Dinner is burning." "Okay, Mom. Bye." I was saved by the scorched lasagna. Not that I wouldn't have to go through it all again this weekend. I needed to learn to keep my mouth shut. At least I had managed not to tell her that the doctor had ordered more tests because he was concerned about something he had felt while examining me. She would find out if she needed to and if it was nothing, then she wouldn't have to worry. I was doing enough worrying for both of us. It was really probably nothing, and if it was something, it wasn't as if I hadn't been through it before. I looked up at the mountain as I walked down the streets lined with parked cars. It was really beautiful this time of year, there was the faintest hint of fall color popping up here and there. Turning towards home, I planned out what homework I would do first. If I was going to be gone Thursday and busy over the weekend, I should get it done now; besides, it would be a good distraction. My mind only lingered on my studies for a moment before I started to wonder about Friday. I hadn't really seen Andy since Sunday and I was still processing. He'd been very serious when he said he liked me, I was sure of that. Did he want me to say it back? What was I supposed to do? I wondered what you did with a date at a dance. Was Andy a good dancer? Was I? Whether we could dance well or not we were sure to have fun. Andy was always so upbeat. I was really starting to look forward to the date. Maybe I would like dating. This week I was sure to beat Spencer's total. Home was almost in sight but my mind kept hopping from subject to subject driven by my intense desire to forget the one thing I couldn't face, at least not anymore tonight. Maybe Jackie would want to go get some ice cream or the guys might be on the courts; homework could wait. Thursday I endured the tests. Like always, I tried to get the ultrasound tech to tell me what she was seeing but of course, she said nothing. It had never worked, but that didn't stop me from trying. As uncomfortable as the tests were, I found waiting for the results much more difficult. As distractions went, the date with Andy couldn't have been timed any better. I just needed to get through the next few days and it would all be over. I found being nervous about my first date felt a lot better than worrying over medical tests, so I focused all my attention towards Friday night. In order to keep that focus I elected not to carry my cell phone with me. If Mom called, she would want to talk about the tests. I was sure if she had a spare moment she wouldn't be able to resist checking up on me so Friday the cell stayed on the charger. Sure, I could just not answer her calls but if I didn't know about them, I would feel less guilty. I didn't even think about checking the caller ID when I answered the phone on Friday afternoon. "Good afternoon, this is Megan speaking." "Well, good afternoon to you too. You sound like you are in a good mood." "Dad?" "Yep, I heard through the grapevine that you have an official date tonight." I smirked thinking of all the times he had promised to torment my dates when they picked me up; he had never gotten the chance. "That's right, shocking isn't it?" "Not really, I knew all the boys in the world couldn't be stupid. It just took you a while to find a smart bunch. Anyway, since I can't be there I want to know all about this guy...Wait, no, I trust your judgment. Just tell me, is he nice to you?" "Well, we haven't been out yet," I reminded him, "but he is always cool when we hang out." "Okay, just remember it's his privilege to go out with you so you don't have to do anything you don't want to." "Gee, thanks Dad. I so did not want to go there." He laughed. "Yeah, okay, I can drop it. I know you can hold your own. Hey, do me a favor?" "What?" "Don't forget to give your mom an update; some of us still have to live with her." I could hear the smile in his voice. In my mind, I could picture his beaming face so clearly that I counted it. "Okay, but I can't promise she'll be satisfied. Hey, I love you but I've got things to do before tonight." "I'll let you go. Love you too, Megan. Bye." After Dad's call there didn't seem to be much use in not carrying my cell, so I took it and my laundry to the central laundry room. I planned to multi task and give reminder calls to the sisters in my visiting teaching district as I waited. Visiting teaching wasn't my favorite thing but I had accepted the call to be a supervisor and I was going to do my best. Most of the sisters I called seemed to feel the same way about visiting teaching that I did. My own visiting teachers hadn't visited yet. I couldn't really complain. I had only half-heartedly spent a few minutes with the two sisters that I was assigned to visit. I didn't even really share a lesson, just a quick scripture from the message. I hadn't even called my companion. I hung up with the last sister on my list. Hopefully the reminder would improve the numbers because they weren't looking very good yet. I moved my laundry over to the dryer and thought about my calling again. Mom seemed to like visiting teaching, so what did she know that I didn't? General Women's Conference was this weekend. I said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me be prepared for His messages, adding a special request for a greater understanding of visiting teaching. I always tried to go into conference with a question and usually my answer would come in one way or another. This conference I really needed some help. If I was going to motivate the girls on my list, motivation should probably come to me too. I finished my prayer and found that I felt peaceful. It was so nice to just sit and enjoy the feeling. Chapter 4 I watched my roommates buzz around the apartment. Kristen had a big date with Tony. Melissa was following her around with a can of hairspray. The two girls had been friends since high school so the probably had a routine down. Jackie was in our room studying. There was more going on with her than just the domestic stuff and boys. She was really smart and spent a lot of time on her studies. I remembered my own pressing homework. I opened my history textbook that was sitting on the table next to me and tried to focus but I was starting to feel nervous. After I'd reread the same sentence over four times, I closed the book. What was wrong with me? It was just a dance. I had been to dozens, and it was only Andy after all. We were friends. I'd done lots of things with him over the last few weeks. Then I remembered that he wanted to be more than friends and my knees began to bounce up and down under the table. Jackie hopped into the room. "So, are you just so excited?!!" It wasn't really a question. Her eyes were alight with a manic energy. "I guess so, I'm kind of nervous." "You? You're the one that always seems so confident around boys. I can't believe you're nervous." "Well, I'm not really used to dating." She seemed surprised by that. "Megan, I wish I had half your guts." "I wish I had them now, too," I smiled at her. Things just seemed a lot more serious now that Andy said he liked me. I liked him too, but was it enough or in the right way? "You should get ready; it's about 6:30." "Oh, I have time. I just need to run a brush through my hair and slip a dress on." "Megan! You really don't have a clue. Come with me." She dragged me from the chair and led me down the hall to our room. "Now put your dress on so that we can fix your hair." "Really, it's no big deal." This was my last line of defense. If I treated it just like any other outing with Andy, maybe I wouldn't feel so nervous that I wanted to vomit. "Come on, it will be fun. Let me play dress up." "Okay, but I'm warning you, my hair is impossible." Her answering smile had me sold on letting her help. If it was going to make her that happy, I could endure a little fussing over. She made me try two dresses, then gave up and went into my closet. She emerged with a dress I hardly wore, because it wasn't as comfortable as my jumpers were. "Meet me in the bathroom and don't take too long." The first few attempts to tame my naturally bushy hair failed. Jackie was getting discouraged. "Don't worry," I said, "simple works for me." She settled for clipping the sides of my hair back at the top of my head. "Don't you have any make-up?" "I don't really wear much." "Wait here. I will go get mine and I think some different earrings too." She was off fishing around in our room when the doorbell rang. Sighing in relief, I headed down the hallway and called back to Jackie. "Thanks, but he's here. Have a good night." I opened the door to a smiling face. That made two in the last half hour. "Hi, Andy." "Hi. You look beautiful." He handed me a yellow rose tied with a white ribbon. This was the first time I'd gotten flowers when I wasn't sick. "Thank you, it smells so good." I inhaled and left the door open, gesturing for him to enter. I went to the kitchen, found a vase for the rose, and left it on the counter where we could all see it. "Ready to go?" "Yes, where is the dance?" "It's just up the hill a bit. It's a nice night but I thought we would drive." He led me to his little Metro that was probably as old as I was. The inside was spotless, the vinyl freshly cleaned and the floor vacuumed. I'd ridden in Andy's car before. It was never this clean. I realized that he had gone to the extra effort for me and it made me feel special. "So, where do you know Rachel from?" "She's from my home stake in California." "That's right, you're from California. What part?" "I live in the LA area." "Big City boy, huh?" "Yep, cities are not a problem for me," he said with a note of friendly arrogance. "But you should have seen poor Mark in Atlanta. He was really out of his depth." "Not much for big cities?" "No, you and I are much more able to deal with lots of people." "Exactly how many people are going to be at this dance?" I asked, surprised by the way the conversation was going. "Oh, don't worry about that. It's just a normal dance." We parked and Andy ran around to get my door. "Are you ready?" "Sure let's go!" I said enthusiastically. The dance was well attended, but the crowd wasn't huge. With all those bodies dancing, it was extra warm in the gym. Andy led me to a place on the dance floor which was just under an air vent. I really appreciated the extra air flow because as it turned out Andy loved to dance. We were out on the floor the entire first hour. It had been a long time since I'd danced so much and I realized I was kind of out of shape. Finally, I asked. "Andy, could we sit down for a bit, I'm feeling tired." Andy reacted quickly looking around for a couple of seats together. Placing his arm around my shoulders, he guided me out of the gym into a foyer. The sound of the music was much quieter here and it was much cooler. The foyer was surprisingly empty. "Hope this is okay, I didn't see many seats in there." "This is great," I said, collapsing onto the couch rather more dramatically than I had meant to. He laughed, "Why didn't you say something sooner?" "I was a little embarrassed and I was having fun." I counted another smile. "I'm glad you're having fun. I am too." "I didn't realize you were such a party animal." "I'm just happy because I'm with you. Normally, I hold the walls up at these things." "I find that hard to believe. You seemed to know what you were doing out there." "When I was a youth, we all used to just get out and dance. We never really did the boy/girl pairing thing. It would be too weird because we all felt like brothers and sisters." "Sounds fun. My ward paired off a bit more, but I had friends like that in high school. My best friend, Spencer, is on a mission now in France." "France, that's a long way from Atlanta." "It's a long way from Provo, too. I miss him sometimes. We practically grew up together." Andy looked around. "Are you thirsty? I'm going to get us something to drink. Wait here." I smiled at him and he hurried back into the gym. I took advantage of his absence to remove my shoes and stretch my feet. My toes didn't like my dress shoes much, and they weren't real happy about all the dancing, either. Things were going pretty well. I liked Andy a lot. He was full of energy and he was so sweet to me. But he was sweet to everyone. I couldn't tell if he was treating me differently or not. Thinking about it too much was liable to terrify me, so I tapped my feet to the music instead and waited for Andy to return. When he sauntered into the room, he had cookies in a napkin and two glasses of some light colored punch. He handed me a glass and then sat next to me spreading the napkin with the cookies on his lap. "Those look yummy. Can I have one?" "You can have as many as you want." I grabbed a cookie and we both munched away in silence for a few minutes. "Your cookies tasted better," he complimented. "Learning how to make cookies was just a matter of survival in my house, but I wish I could cook like you." "It's not hard, you'll get there." "Maybe but I'm wishing I'd had my mom show me more while I was home." "Tell me about your family. You're from Arizona right?" "Yes, my family lives in Mesa. I was born here, though. Dad was still in law school then." He made an encouraging noise through the mouth full of cookie and I continued. "I have an older brother who is about your age. He just got engaged to a girl from our home ward. George is an engineering major at ASU. Then after me come the twins, Matt and Drew. Drew is short for Andrew, that's your name right?" He nodded and popped another cookie in his mouth. "Well, the twins are 16 now and busy with jobs and school. Then Kelly is the youngest and my only sister, she's 11. She's way into dance and is a lot more graceful than I am." "You were dancing gracefully." "That's nice of you to say, but I don't think that I believe you. Are you ready to dance again?" "Don't be silly, dancing is fun but this way we can talk." He casually rested his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes with an intent gaze that made me feel shy. "I had an evening study session and haven't had dinner yet. Do you want to go get something to eat?" "Still hungry after all those cookies?" I said, looking at the empty napkin. He looked guilty. "Did you want some more? I could go get you some." "No, I'm fine. I think we had better get you some proper food before you eat every cookie in sight." He hopped up off the couch and took my hand, pulling me enthusiastically to my feet. "Dinner it is." Again, he led me out to the car with his hand around my shoulders and I was beginning to like the way it felt. Maybe I didn't need to try to feel something, maybe it would just come naturally. We talked about classes and he gave me a few pointers for my finance class. It was fun to be out and it wasn't hard at all to talk to Andy. I already knew that we got along great. It seemed silly to be so nervous and yet it felt different. Living with brothers had prepared me for the amount of food he managed to scarf down. I was used to such displays. I was a bit hungry after all the dancing, but I only nibbled at my food, trying to avoid getting sauce on my dress. His eyes seemed to sparkle when he talked and it felt like they were sparkling just for me. It was an unusual feeling but the longer we were together the more shy I felt. There was a strange feeling in my stomach. With luck, he wouldn't notice that I had stopped talking and was just giving him encouraging nods as he talked about his mission and his home life. He was hoping to do marketing for one of the big animation companies when he graduated. I learned that he was a bit of an artist. I managed to come out of my shyness enough to ask him to show me his work sometime. He seemed pleased that I was interested and then his eyes sparkled again and I was silent. I was a little glad when we stood to go home. This new silence of mine was making me feel like I was being completely stupid and making things weird. Where was my long list of silly jokes or my easy banter about sports? He seemed not to notice and continued on talking about plans and fun dates he had been on. One time he had taken Rachel to the prom and they had gotten lost trying to find the location. His musing lasted the ride home with little encouragement from me and I was grateful that he was so at ease. Obviously, this was not his first date and I suspected that experience was on his side. He walked me to my door. "Thanks. I had a really fun time." He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Me, too. Can you go out next Friday?" "Yes. What do you want to do?" "I'm not sure yet. We can talk more later." He smiled a wide grin. Dating was going to do wonders for my totals. Tonight alone I had collected eleven big smiles. "See you tomorrow." I walked into the living room and Jackie pounced. "So, how was it? Are you going out again? Did he kiss you? I saw your rose. Oh, how sweet!" She squealed and jumped around. Jackie should have come with us then she could have danced some of that energy out and I wouldn't have to tell her everything that happened. I tried to gather my scattered thoughts because I just realized that I was apparently dating Andy. "I had a really good time; he's a great dancer." "Oh, give me all the details." * * * The General Women's Broadcast the next day was a good opportunity to spend some time with my roommates. We decided to dress alike so each of us was wearing a black skirt and a solid colored top. Arm and arm we entered the Marriot Center to watch the broadcast. With our matched outfits, we looked a bit like choir members. We felt more like a large group of young women than we did Relief Society sisters, but somewhere in the last couple of years, we had crossed that threshold. I listened intently for any help with my questions about visiting teaching. Both the General Relief Society counselors talked about visiting teaching but somehow the words failed to instill in me an instant love of the program. Perhaps, I wasn't in tune enough or maybe my answers would come during general conference. After the broadcast, we began a new tradition and like most of our traditions, it involved food. By the time the frozen pie baked and cooled enough to eat, it was very late. We dragged our pillows and blankets out into the living room and had a slumber party. I'd managed to get about four hours of sleep before we got up for church. I think I had more sleep than the others did, especially Jackie who takes at least an hour to get ready in the morning. * * * Sunday morning our usual rides were waiting for us; the only difference was that Andy casually held my hand as we walked from the parking lot into church. He seemed to be smiling more than usual and I was much quieter. I wasn't sure if these were the kind of smiles I could count, but they seemed to be for me. We had just sat down and started to listen to the prelude when Andy hopped back up. "I have to go take care of some Elder's Quorum business, I'll be right back." "Okay, don't forget to be in your seat when it's time to start," I reminded him. Our bishop was a stickler for starting on time and we'd had the lecture several times. "No worries. I'll hurry." With Andy gone it was easy to talk to Mark who sat in the seat on Andy's other side. "Hey, I wanted to tell you that everything is set for Rebekah staying with us. Everyone is really excited to be entertaining, actually." Mark sighed, "That's great. I will call her right after church. I've told her all about you. She is anxious to see for herself." Mark wiggled his eyebrows jokingly as he spoke. "Great, is she expecting me to have a third eye or something?" "Not exactly, I told her you were the life of the party." "I don't think I can live up to that expectation. It's not like I am an endless supply of fun ideas." "No, it's just that you make things fun no matter what we're doing." That was a nice compliment. I grinned and added his return smile to my tally. "So when is she coming again?" "A week from Thursday, I can't wait. My dad has to come for some meetings in Salt Lake and she is tagging along." "Your Dad will be here too?" "No. He has to stay in Salt Lake. I'm picking Rebekah up Thursday afternoon and returning her Saturday night. Hey, you should come with me. I'm sure Rebekah would love it and you can meet my dad." I was curious but I didn't want to intrude. "Are you sure? It sounds like a family thing." "Absolutely. When are you done with Thursday classes?" "About 2:00." "Perfect, call as soon as you get home and we will go." "You'll probably need to remind me as it gets closer." Mark and I were leaning towards each other so that we would not have to speak too loud. Andy squeezed down the row and sat back down. "What did I miss?" "Just plans for Rebekah's visit," Mark said shrugging his shoulders. On the way home Andy said, "I was thinking about our date Friday. How about dinner? I could take you where I work. The food is really good. It's the best place in town if you like Mexican food." "That sounds yummy. I miss Mexican food, it's a favorite." "Great, so Friday at 6:00?" I nodded and looked out the window. I wasn't quite used to this, yet. "You are coming over for dinner tonight right?" "I am?" "Did you forget? I'm making my fried chicken." "That's right. Should I bring anything?" "Just some games." In the couple of hours I had between church and dinner, I panicked. Dating was new and Andy was new and my old troubles were circling above and threatening to land on my head. What if I really had relapsed? How could I tell Andy or Jackie or any of my new friends? What would they think when I was sick all the time and no fun? What would they think when I lost my hair? Could I even stay at school or would I have to go home? Worries and fears circled and circled until I was too exhausted to care about the answers. I wiped the tears from my eyes, splashed my face with cold water and went to dinner. "This was so good. You really know how to cook." So many talents it hardly seemed fair. "Yeah, it made him pretty popular in the mission too." Mark said gathering the dishes. "There are only so many ways you can cook macaroni and cheese though." Andy said, picking up the Pictionary game from the stack on the coffee table. "We need another player for that," I commented. "Nathan!" both Andy and Mark yelled at the same time. Andy and I were pretty good as Pictionary partners. Nathan was getting a little frustrated at our speed. Mark's drawings weren't very good and Nathan couldn't figure them out. Andy and Mark would probably make great partners, despite Mark's drawing skills, because they knew each other so well. I was going to suggest we divide our teams that way but Nathan wasn't up for losing again. Instead, I suggested that it would be a good time for Andy to show me some of his artwork. This would give Nathan time to relax and I was curious. Nathan harrumphed down the hall. Andy returned with his art portfolio. I was not disappointed, it was definitely amazing. He did mostly ink drawings that seemed to come alive on the page. I noticed that he had a little character he drew over and over in his sketch book always doing something different. "Who's this little guy?" I asked. "Oh, that's just a doodle I do to practice different poses." He said shrugging. "He's cute. You should give him a name." "What would you name him?" He asked his eyes sparkling at me. I tried to think of something clever but gave up. Those green eyes of his just left my mind blank. "I'll think about it." I thanked Andy again for dinner and said goodnight to the various faces roaming around the apartment: one talking on the phone, one looking through a book and one rummaging in the fridge for something to eat; where did he find the room? I was still stuffed. When I got home, I picked up the Ensign from the table and headed off to bed. I decided to get a head start on October by reading the visiting teaching message early. Then I prayed again for the answer that I was seeking, hoping that Conference would teach me what I needed to know. I pulled up my computer calendar and made a note to call the sisters on my list this week and get their report. Looking at the note for my ultrasound last week, I remembered that I was still waiting for my results. Before I could spiral down into another unhelpful panic attack, I focused on thinking up names for Andy's little character. Distractions used to work really well but any more, it seemed I was having to step up my game to ignore all that made me feel worried. I got Spencer's tally on Monday. He must have had a hard week. His 14 was unusual and hardly a match for my 61. I pulled out a card and wrote in it one of my favorite silly jokes. Then I drew a smiley face with its tongue sticking out because I was sure it would make Spencer laugh when he saw it. Wednesday afternoon, the results I had been waiting for came. The nurse called to tell me that both tests had looked normal and the doctor felt he didn't need to see me again for a year. I was relieved that I wouldn't have to think about it for another year; even more relieved than I was that everything was fine. I knew that my mom would need the details soon but I just couldn't face it now. I left my phone in my room and went in search of some fun. Nathan was home and up for a game so we went out to the courts. I managed to beat him once. He was a little grumpy until I told him my secret. "It's just because I'm a girl." I patted his shoulder. He grumbled and pulled his shoulder away. "Emily's a girl too, but I always beat her." "Yes, but she's your sister and you aren't worried as much about fouling her. Think about it Nathan, weren't you just a little hesitant to get in my way?" He perked up, "Yeah, that does make a difference. I just wasn't playing very hard." He felt better instantly and tossed me the ball. "How about another game?" "No, thanks. Now that my secret is out, I am pretty sure I'm toast." "Well at least let me buy the winner a soda or something?" "Okay, that sounds good." We walked to the laundry room where there was a soda machine. I opened my root beer and sat on the grass near a tree. The sun was still bright even though it was almost dinner time. Nathan sat next to me and I was surprised that he was in a mood to talk. It was so unlike him. "Megan, what do you think of John?" I was not expecting this question, I had to think about the answer a second. "John's great, a little quiet but nice. Why?" "Emily seems pretty interested in him. I just wondered 'cause I don't get it. I mean John is a great bud but Emily is special, you know." Well, well Nathan had unknown depths. "Emily probably sees special things in John too." "Yea, but a cowboy? He actually rides a horse and takes care of cattle. Did you know that?" "Are you sure it's John that bothers you or are you just jealous that she wants to spend time with him instead of you?" He looked at me for a long moment and then back down at the grass. "No comment." I laughed. "She had to find someone eventually. Aren't you glad it's someone as great as John?" "I still don't like it." "You are grumpy today aren't you?" "Oh, sorry. I guess I'm not very fun to be with just now." He screwed his face up into a strange expression and then he started to talk like Donald duck. The drink of root beer that I had just swallowed caught in my throat and I coughed a laugh. Encouraged, Nathan continued. The coughing continued until he paused to see if I was okay. He patted my back and I carefully took a sip to see if I could calm my throat down. I flopped back on the grass and let the sun warm my face while I tried to breathe deeply. Nathan leaned over me cautiously and quacked, "Sorry," plain as day. I laughed again and hiccupped this time. In this mood Nathan was so much like my friend, Spencer, that I couldn't help retaliating. I grabbed a handful of grass and tossed it in his surprised face. Too competitive to let that pass, he grabbed his own handful and instead of tossing it, he ground it into my frizzy hair. How had he found my weakness so quickly? It would take forever to get all that grass out. I reached up and put a handful down the back of his shirt. He jumped up and danced a bit, shaking the grass free. I sat up preparing for the next round. But Nathan stopped, "Okay, uncle." I was surprised he had given up so fast. He scratched at his back a little. "I'm allergic." "I'm sorry. Are you really uncomfortable?" I felt the hiccups coming back so I took a big drink of root beer. It was as if Nathan had waited for that exact moment before answering. He let out a loud quacked, "I'm okay," and I spit my root beer across the lawn. He rolled on the ground laughing then started scratching again. "I'd better go and take a shower. This was fun Megan. Thanks." He stood up and left me sitting there with a frustrated look on my face. "Yeah, anytime," I yelled sarcastically to him as he walked away and he laughed again. Chapter 5 I went inside to clean up and to call my mom. The medical news was easy enough to report because once she knew I was fine she moved onto my date. I was surprised I didn't get busted for not telling her all the medical details, so I let her pump me for Andy info. Eventually she dragged everything out of me, down to his holding my hand on Sunday. Saying it all out loud had just made it so much more real. It was forty-five minutes later when I convinced her that I needed to eat and do some homework. She was pleased that I was going out with Andy again but I carefully didn't promise a report. * * * I cried myself quietly to sleep that night. It was often like this for me when the worry and stress were over. At least I wouldn't have to deal with it for another year. When I had first been diagnosed, it was scary, but I had so many people around me all the time that I never had much time to worry. The doctors were always so optimistic and my friends were always cheering me up. It was a new experience not to have anyone around to talk to about this kind of stuff. I missed Spencer and I started to feel lonely. Maybe I should tell someone here. Now that it was over, they wouldn't have to be worried for me, right? Friday Andy picked me up in his spotless car again. We drove downtown and he led me to a lowly lit back dining room. Each table was draped with a white table cloth and each had a glowing candle in the center. On one side of the room, there was a balcony with a wrought iron railing. I could see there were four more tables up there. Shadows moved on the walls as the candles flickered in the slight breeze we made as we passed. "Upstairs, please." Andy said placing a strong emphasis on the please. The hostess sighed and held her hand out to the rod iron staircase that led to the balcony. "Thanks." Andy said as he grabbed my hand and led the way to our table. From the balcony, I could see only the far side of the room and it was much quieter. The soft music being piped into the room didn't quite reach us. "This is so beautiful," I said impressed. "You work here?" "Yep, were lucky to get the balcony. It's a bit of a pain to wait on the tables up here so the hostess tries to avoid them." "The whole room is beautiful. I don't mind sitting downstairs if it's easier." "It's fine," he assured me. "I know the waiter who has this station, we're friends. Besides I'll just leave him a big tip; he'll love me. I like how quiet it is up here, don't you?" He was still holding my hand and I felt self-conscious as he gazed into my eyes. I pulled my hand and my eyes away so that I could focus on the menu. "Everything looks so good. What's their specialty?" "That's difficult to say but I would definitely try their enchiladas, if I were you; they're incredible." "That sounds perfect." I looked around at the stucco white walls dancing with the glow of the candle flames. "It even smells good in here." "Yea, I try not to come to work hungry. It's torture." "I would never have even known this place was here. It's hidden from the main streets." "I think that adds to its charm. It feels secluded." Max the waiter came tromping up the steps to take our order and I had to laugh at his expression when he saw Andy. He leaned in and whispered something into Andy's ear and Andy grinned. "Don't worry, I'll make it up to you. This is Megan," he said, gesturing to me. "Hello, Megan. Don't let this guy give you a hard time. I get off at 8 if you need a ride home." He winked at me and I giggled at the flirting attempt, mostly because of the expression on Andy's face. "I don't think that will be necessary," Andy said through gritted teeth. I laughed even harder. "And your tip is getting smaller, even as we speak." Max took our order and excused himself making a loud show of clomping down the stairs. The food was heavenly and there was so much of it. I ate until I could eat no more, declining dessert. Andy seemed in no hurry to leave, so we talked and finished our sodas. I even picked at the food on my plate a little despite being full – it was just too good. I was expecting the night to end when we left the restaurant but Andy drove towards the Canyon. It was such a beautiful night and I was enjoying our conversation. The canyon was dark but I could occasionally see the outline of the rocks and trees. "Okay, I give up. Where are we going?" "I know a great place for dessert in Heber." "Ice cream?" "Yep, I figure dinner should be settled by the time we get there." "You're crazy, but I'm up for the adventure. Let's go." He reached across and patted my knee. "I knew you would be. That is one of the great things about you, Megan. You are always up for an adventure." "Within reason," I teased. "I don't think getting ice cream in Yellowstone would be a good idea tonight." "Oh, no! You guessed my surprise for next week. Can we go out again next week?" I thought about that for a minute. I really liked Andy. He was so much fun. "Rebekah will be here next weekend. I'm not sure what we will be doing but you can come with us." "Oh," he sounded disappointed, "I have plans to avoid Rebekah while she is here remember?" "Oh, that's right. Well, it's your loss. We will be having a great time." "Thanks for rubbing that in." * * * I woke up the next morning with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. At least with conference, I wouldn't have to change my plans because I was sick. It would be a good day to stay in my pajamas. I set my computer up for a live stream and climbed back in bed just as my phone was ringing. "Come over and watch conference with us. We've got snacks." Nathan said. "Thanks, but I'm sick." I sneezed for emphasis. "Bummer. I was looking forward to some entertainment." "You don't need entertainment. Conference is on," I reminded him. "Well yeah, but it never hurts," he admitted. "See you later. Maybe you'll be better tomorrow." I hung up my phone and closed my eyes trying not to focus on the pressure in my head. A moment later, my phone rang again. I moaned and answered it. "You're sick? Can I do anything?" It was Andy. "No, I'm just going to rest thanks." "Feel better. If you need anything don't hesitate to call me. I will be home all day except during priesthood session." "Thanks." I considered turning my phone all the way off but there was no reason anyone else would call. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. I woke to the sound of the organ music coming from my computer. Conference was starting. I sat up pulling my knees to my chest in an attempt to stay awake. My face felt heavy and so did my eyelids. Once the talks began, I was able to concentrate if I focused on the screen really hard. There was a beautiful talk about prayer and I enjoyed the combined choir from the SLC area. I did make it through the entire two hours without falling asleep but not much after that. My nose was running so much that the box of tissues by my bed was getting plenty of use. My face and head hurt making it hard to sleep but I kept trying. I could hear occasional sounds as I tossed and turned. Jackie must have come in our room at least once because I heard her rummage through her closet. I think I heard the doorbell or maybe it was someone's phone. It was starting to get darker in my room when I woke up. My clock said it was after four. I moaned trying to clear my throat. I couldn't believe I had slept through the afternoon session. It was way past time to get out of bed today. I needed to at least drink something or have some food, though nothing sounded good. I pulled on some sweats and a t-shirt and grabbed my wild hair back into a ponytail with a scrunchie. I felt so weak and tired as I dragged myself down the hallway. It was very disorienting to wake up with the late afternoon light coming through the windows. Kristen was in the kitchen cooking. I think my zombie like appearance startled her because she jumped just a little as I entered. "Megan, are you feeling any better? We didn't even know you were sick but then Andy came by and you were asleep." "Andy came by?" She smiled and gestured toward the fridge. "He brought you some chicken soup. It looks homemade." "I'm not surprised, Andy's a great cook." I uncovered the pot and attempted a sniff. My sense of smell was gone and the soup didn't look too appetizing all cold and congealed. "Do you want me to heat it up for you?" "No thanks. I think I can do it." I took the small pot and placed it onto the stove. The microwave would be faster but it was already in the pot. I still didn't feel like eating but he had gone to so much trouble. When the steam started rising I took a tentative bite. I couldn't vouch for the taste but the warm broth felt good on my throat and the steam opened my sinuses a bit. I ate two bowls of it before going back to bed. The next morning I decided to clear my head with a hot shower before conference. Today, I would dress and sit in the living room with everyone else around Kristen's laptop. Then at least if I fell asleep someone would wake me up. The shower did wonders for my symptoms. I could smell that someone had just popped popcorn. I padded down the hall in my fuzzy slippers and my favorite comfortable sweats. The living room was full of roommates and friends. Tony was sitting by Kristen and Jackie had invited over the girls from next door. Melissa must be the one popping popcorn. I was looking for a place to sit when there was a knock at the door. It was Andy. "I was hoping you might be feeling well enough to have some company today." "I do feel a little better. Thanks for the soup." He smiled. "Can I come in and watch with you?" I opened the door wider and gestured for him to enter. He looked at the crowd gathered around the laptop and seemed to change his plans. "Do you think we could bundle you up and take you over to my place? You could rest and there's more room." I sighed but nodded. "Give me a minute." I walked down the hall and got my comforter. I wrapped it around myself and over my wet hair. Then we walked over to his apartment. Mark and Nathan were the only ones in the living room preparing for the start of the session. Andy took one look around the place and kicked them off the couch. "I can take the floor," I insisted. "Not hardly," Mark said, moving to the floor. Both he and Andy gave Nathan a look. Nathan brushed the couch cushion for me as he stood and saluted. "Mark's right, you get the couch," Andy seconded. He frowned when I sat up and offered the rest to him. He was hesitating when John walked in the door with Emily and Andy had no choice but to sit beside me leaving the rest of the couch for someone else. "Wow, Megan, you look terrible," Emily said. "She's sick," Mark, Nathan and Andy all said together. "I've looked worse, I'm sure," I said, smiling. John and Emily, who were holding hands, sat on the floor. Nathan stood and walked over to the couch, making me move down a space so that he couldn't see them. Andy started to protest and I shook my head. He sighed but didn't say anything. With everyone in place, conference began. Mark handed me a glass of water and during the talks would raise an eyebrow at me if I hadn't taken a drink in a while. He refilled it twice before the session ended. I made it through the session but all that water made it necessary to run home and use the bathroom. While I was home in my apartment, I considered taking a nap but I knew the guys would wonder where I was. Instead, I printed a short baby name list I had found on the internet and headed back. We spent the time between sessions throwing around names for Andy's doodle. Some of the names had such crazy meanings. I was surprised. We ate leftover chicken soup and again it hit the spot. It felt good having friends with me and I was having fun despite the aching sinuses. By the time, conference began again my throat and head were hurting from laughing so much. We'd narrowed the name choice down to three: Spike, Bronson, and Petri. I was partial to Petri, because of its foreign feel. Andy said it sounded sissy. He seemed to like Spike but I thought that was too tough. Bronson was a sort of compromise. How did anyone ever agree on names for their children? I wondered how many people out there were walking around with a tie breaker name. As soon as the closing prayer was said, I made my excuses. It wasn't that hard, I barely had a voice. Andy insisted on escorting me back. Though there wasn't much he could do, the gentle pressure of his hand on my back was comforting. He gave me a quick hug and sent me in out of the wind. * * * Monday morning I chose to attend classes. I was still stuffy and weak enough that I called into work. I wasn't sure I should be handling other people's food. I took another long nap in the late afternoon, skipping dinner and family home evening. I apologized to Jackie who was our FHE mom. She seemed disappointed that I wouldn't be there but I promised to help with next week's activity if she needed me. I kept my routine very simple: classes, sleep, and repeat. Wednesday I was able to add work back into my schedule. All that rest was paying off and I was feeling better every day. By Thursday, I was all ready for Rebekah's visit. After my class, I called Mark. I wasn't sure what time we were leaving for Salt Lake. Andy answered, "Megan, how are you feeling? I've been wanted to see you all week but I wanted you to rest too." "I'm better, thanks. It must have been all the well wishes and the chicken soup. What are you doing with Mark's phone?" "He's sleeping. I told him I would get your call." "He's sleeping? Aren't we supposed to be going soon?" "Yeah, it's about time for him to wake up. I think he wants to leave at three." "He isn't sick is he?" It would be terrible if I'd made him sick for his sister's visit. "No, he just worked a graveyard shift last night so that he would have the day off to get Rebekah. Wait, I'll wake him up." "Actually, I'll just come by in about half an hour. I haven't had lunch yet." "That's good. He'll need to get ready." I hung up and made a quick sandwich. I was still a little stuffy so I jumped in the steamy shower for a few minutes. I was done and dressed by 2:45, so I walked over to see if Mark was ready yet. Mark was up, but he looked really sleepy. When his hair was wet it seemed more curly. His shower hadn't woken him up enough. "Oh you're here, good. Megan, do you think you can drive?" "I think I should." I said looking at his puffy eyes. "Oh, but I can't drive a stick." "No problem," Andy spoke up. He walked to the counter and tossed me his keys. "Take my car. I just filled it up." "Thanks." Mark said, giving his friend a very weak and sleepy punch in the arm. I motioned toward the door and then waved goodbye to Andy. He returned my wave and added a "Drive safe." There was also a big flirty smile that I added to my total. "We will." We walked to Andy's car that was just a few spaces away. "Wait here." Mark said and he ran down to his truck that was at the end of the lot. I played with the seat adjustment while I waited. He returned a few minutes later with his arms full. "What's all that?" "Map to Dad's hotel, Rebekah's favorite candy bar in case she is hungry on the way back, a bottle of water, and some tissues." He handed the last two items to me. "You've been sick, hydrate." I smiled, opened the bottle dutifully, and took a drink. "You think of everything." "Yeah, except for how tired I would be. Thanks for driving." "I can read road signs and maps, you should sleep." "Are you sure?" "Absolutely, I'll just turn the radio on softly. If that won't bother you?" "Nope." He leaned the seat back a bit and closed his eyes. It was kind of fun to drive again, it had been almost two months. We were about to the Interstate when I heard a faint snore. I bit my lip so that I wouldn't laugh out loud. He sounded so much like George. I'm sure with my stuffy nose I had been making all kinds of noise in my sleep lately too. At least he was getting some sleep; it was going to be a busy weekend. Just as we were entering the Salt Lake Valley, he woke up. "We have a while. You can sleep more." "Can't sleep anymore. I'm getting too excited." He put the seat back up and his legs started to bounce up and down nervously. He looked at me and said, "It's silly, I know. My parents keep telling me I need a life outside of the family. That's one reason why they encouraged me to go to school here." "I think it's nice that you think about your family so much. I used to spend a lot of time with my brother, George." "Not anymore?" "No, he's engaged now. He didn't even bother to call me to tell he was getting married." "Oh, too busy, huh?" "Something like that." We sat a few minutes in silence while I tried to find my way through the maze of freeways. When I was sure I was heading in the right direction, I said, "I can't believe I'm doing this, but can I tell you something?" It was something I had been thinking of this week. I surprised myself because it wasn't until this moment that I knew I was going to tell and whom I would tell. It just seemed right to have someone know my secret and I knew Mark would get it. "Sure, you can tell me." Then he hesitated, "It isn't about Andy is it?" I smiled. "Nope." He sat up straighter. "Shoot." "Remember when you asked me if there was something wrong a couple of weeks ago?" "Yes." "Well it was time for my annual cancer follow up and I really hate those appointments." Mark sat stunned for a moment. "Go on." "I was diagnosed when I was 16. It was kind of a big deal, but it's over and I wish I could just forget it, you know?" "But you have to be checked every year and it just brings everything up again." He nodded as if he understood and I did feel better. "Did the check go well?" "Yes, mostly. There was a little scare, but the tests came back clean." "Why didn't you say anything? We could have helped you through it." "I didn't want anyone to get down because of me. I make my mom worried enough. Besides the less people who know the easier it is to forget it." "I'm glad you told me, but why did you, if you feel that way about it?" "I'm not sure, I guess I just needed one friend who I could talk about it with. My friend Spencer is normally the one I talk to about this stuff, but he's on his mission now. Anyway, enough of that, I think the hotel is on this street. Help me watch for the address." Mark grabbed the paper from the space between us, allowing me to change the subject without comment. "Yeah, it looks like the next block is it. Wait, I see it. Pull in up there." He pointed to the small two story hotel on the left just a half a block away. I changed lanes and drove into the parking lot. The traffic had been hectic but I was used to traffic. Even though I had just confessed my secret, I didn't feel weird, just less lonely. Mark's enthusiasm was showing again as we made our way through the parking lot. "Where should I park?" "Drive around and I will look for my dad's car. There, see the white land barge; that's it." I laughed at the description. "Don't laugh. Trust me, my dad needs the space. When I was little I used to try to climb him, pretending to be Spiderman." "Big?" "Building big, but soft as a teddy bear." "He sounds nice." I pulled into a space just two cars down from the barge. "We need their room number, but I want to surprise them." "Maybe we can get it from the front desk?" "I will, but before I go..." He reached across and grabbed my hand. "...thanks for trusting me." He squeezed it and then let it go. I sat stunned for a minute, then undid my seatbelt so that I could go with him. "You don't have to come. I won't be long." "I don't mind, then we can go straight to the room, unless you wanted to see them alone?" "No. I want you to meet them. Everyone should get a chance to be hugged by my dad. Come on." Chapter 6 The inner hallway of the hotel was lined with dark blue doors, each with a golden number. We assumed 211 was on the second floor so we headed for the stairs. Mark took them two at a time, partly because of excitement and partly because his legs were just so long. He reached the door before I had caught up and he didn't wait before he knocked. It was like watching a big kid at Christmas. The door flew open and a whirl of long, black hair jumped through the opening. Mark expertly caught his sister's hug and returned it, spinning her in the air. She reached up to play with the curls on his head; he needed a cut. "Why haven't you cut your hair? You look silly. How are you supposed to find a girlfriend that way?" "Leave your brother alone," I heard a soft, deep voice say. "Good to see you son. Come in for a minute then we can go to dinner." Rebekah flitted back inside and I walked slowly up to the scene I had been observing from about ten feet away; mostly because Mark reached his hand out to me. I considered wrapping my arm around his and acting like the girlfriend Rebekah was so sure he couldn't get, but decided it would make Mark too uncomfortable. "Rebekah, Dad, this is Megan," Mark said as we stepped inside the pastel room. Seeing Brother Cole for the first time was a shock even after Mark's description. He really was a building; well over six feet with solid, wide shoulders. Standing next to Mark had always made me feel short but even Mark was short next to his dad. "She's the friend Rebekah will be staying with," Mark finished his introduction. "Megan, I'm so happy to meet you!" Rebekah closed the gap between us with an energetic movement and hugged me. The hug was only a little gentler than the one Mark had received and I stumbled backwards a step. Mark put his arm out and held it to my back so that I wouldn't fall. "Sorry," she said pulling away and settling under the arm of her brother. "Mark has told us a lot about you, Megan. I'm glad to meet you." Brother Cole stepped forward and gave me a gentle but firm hug. Now that explained Mark. He came from a family of huggers. It was a nice moment of family when mine was far away. It had been almost two months since I had gotten a hug from my dad. When the formalities were over it was time for Mark's hug. I laughed as I watched his dad squeeze him tight and spin, just as Mark had spun Rebekah. It was a funny sight. Mark was a big guy, at least I had always thought so. The hug was completed with another appraisal of Mark's mop. "You really do need a haircut son." Mark barked a laugh and tried to straighten the curls out again. "I'm enjoying a little length after all those mission haircuts. Give me a break." Mark stepped back protecting himself from another hug by wrapping one arm around Rebekah and one around me. "Where are we going to dinner?" "It's Rebekah's choice. Where to, Button?" Rebekah rolled her eyes at the nickname and then seemed to consider her options. "I want shrimp." "I know just the place, and I can get steak too." Brother Cole smiled at the possibilities. "And French fries, but don't you tell your mom," he added conspiratorially. We all laughed as Brother Cole looked guilty. "Rebekah, take Megan down to the car. We'll be right there," Mark said smiling reassuringly at me as Rebekah grabbed my hand and bounced out the door and down the hall. "This is going to be so fun. What are we going to do? Do I get to go to classes with you? Are there any cute guys in your ward? Isn't Elder Spaulding one of Mark's roommates?" We got out to the parking lot so fast, thanks to her skip-like walk, as her enthusiasm grew. Already, I felt old around her. Where did all that energy come from? Had I ever been this way? "We have some things planned, but I wanted you to pick some things too. Tomorrow you are going to go to classes with me because Mark's classes aren't open for visitors. Yes, there are many cute guys and Elder Spaulding, we call him Andy now, is one of them. All of Mark's roommates are handsome." We sat on the hood of the car for several minutes waiting for the men. I wondered what they were doing. We started a game of I-spy to pass the time and Rebekah finally guessed the green gas station sign across the street. "Shotgun!" Rebekah hollered when she saw Mark walking towards the car. "Well, that just never gets old," Brother Cole said shaking his head as he opened his door. "No cuddling back there, son," he added as Mark and I climbed in the back seat. I had to slide in because there was a suit hanging over the other door. I felt a blush of embarrassment, but I was sure it was nowhere near as red as Mark was. "Thanks, Dad. I'll keep that in mind." I was once again tempted to snuggle in close and pretend, but I resisted the urge. Mark looked at me with an apologetic smile that I couldn't count. I tried a joke to ease his discomfort. "How do you know there's an elephant in your refrigerator?" I paused as eyes focused on me, "You can't close the door." Groans came from all the Coles as we started off for the restaurant. I smiled because Mark was no longer embarrassed. Silly jokes had always worked to put my friends at ease, especially when I was in the hospital. It wasn't far to the restaurant. The Coles managed to give a rundown on everyone in the family before we parked. Brother Cole walked around to open Rebekah's door and I could see where Mark had learned to be such a gentleman. I started to slide towards Mark expecting him to get out. I was right up next to him before I realized that he wasn't moving. I looked at him puzzled. "I just wanted to apologize for keeping you waiting." His eyes were blinking as if he were trying to adjust his vision with me so close. "No, problem. Rebekah and I were just getting to know each other. Is everything okay?" "I was just being nosy." He continued when he saw my questioning look. "I made Dad check his blood sugar." I smiled broadly trying not to laugh. "What?" he protested, placing a hand on my arm and shaking me gently. "Nothing, I was just thinking that I wouldn't expect any different from you." "Great, so now I have a reputation as a busy body." "But a loveable one," I teased putting the tip of my finger on his nose. "At least you didn't knock my curls." At the reminder, I couldn't resist reaching up and messing the curly top. The curls were springy but soft. Mark sighed exasperated and I smirked at him. In this playful moment, I forgot about the audience just outside the car; Brother Cole rapped lightly on the window startling me into a jump. Mark laughed and tried to fix the damage I had done to his hair. "Let's go eat before we give them anymore to tease us about." "Tease you about. I won't even see your dad after tonight." I leaned my head to the side. "Hey, I could give him all kinds of reasons to tease you and I would be safe." I moved forward before he could open the door and pecked him on the cheek. I heard a squeal from Rebekah. Mark was sitting stunned, his hand absently probing his cheek. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. But she should know that you could easily have a girlfriend." He continued unmoving and I got a little worried. "Did I offend you? I'm really sorry, sometimes I just get silly." Mark shook his head as if he were trying to wake up. He grabbed my hand as he opened the door and pulled me up. "It's okay," he smiled, "I was just thinking of Andy. Let's go eat." Brother Cole was clearing his throat as Mark closed the car door. Rebekah ran over to me and wrapped her arm around mine. "Let's eat. I'm so hungry." Then to me in a lower voice, "We so need to talk." I was whisked away wondering what I was going to say now. I felt like I had just put my foot in my mouth and I hadn't even said anything. I should listen less to my spontaneous side. I tried to steer the conversation in a safe direction while we were waiting for our meal. "Well, I can sure see where Mark gets his height." Rebekah looked puzzled at Mark and then to me again. "Didn't Mark tell you we were adopted?" I eyed Rebekah more closely considering her dark features. She certainly didn't look anything like Mark or her dad. "No, I guess it never came up." Mark spoke up, "It's true. I don't get my height from my dad, just his tendency to give big hugs." It was Mark's turn to grin at me. "I just wish I was responsible for his organizational skills, but his mom gets all the credit there." Brother Cole added. During dinner, I had the enjoyable experience of listening to the Coles update Mark on what was going on at home. He asked about each family member in detail wondering about school and scouts. They didn't seem to find his questions odd and provided the information easily. It seemed there were two brothers who were 12, Caleb and Micah. I gathered that Caleb had just been ordained a deacon this summer but Micah had not. I wondered about that but was afraid to ask, so I listened more. After dinner, we made our way back to the hotel without me making things awkward. I was grateful that Mark seemed to be too wrapped up in his family to be mad at me for my childishness earlier. I suspected he wouldn't hold a grudge, he just wasn't the type. We got back to the hotel and Rebekah ran up to grab her bag. "Don't let her run too wild." Brother Cole cautioned. "She'll be too busy for that. Megan has the schedule packed." Mark said opening the trunk of Andy's car. We said our goodbyes. As we were driving away, Mark said, "Anywhere you want to stop tonight, girls?" Rebekah's face lit up. "Could you introduce me to your roommates and can we see the temple?" Mark reached across and messed Rebekah's hair this time. "Already planning on it. How about you, Megan," he called to the backseat. "I'm good, I should probably turn in early; work tomorrow." I smiled at the eyes that shined in the rear view mirror at me. I couldn't see the smile but I was sure it was there. "Besides you two have a lot of catching up to do. Just let me show Rebekah the apartment first in case you are out late." We rode in silence for several minutes and then Mark turned the radio on. I couldn't resist singing along and missing George as I did. Ever since George had gotten his license, he and I had sung to the radio as loudly and often as dreadfully as we could. Now I listened as Mark picked up a harmony and Rebekah joined me on the melody. It was just like riding with George except they actually sounded good. We giggled and tapped the beat out on the seats and steering wheel as we rode down the dark highway. We could see the Provo temple before we even reached town as it shined against the dark mountain. We drove up around it and I enjoyed the site as much as Rebekah who was seeing it for the first time. Mark turned the radio off and we sat parked for a minute just looking. Mark grabbed Rebekah's hand. "It won't be long and you will get to go inside." "Inside again, you mean." "You've been here before?" "This is the temple where I got sealed to Mom and Dad. Christian and Mark were sealed in this temple too." "Wow, it must be really neat to see it again." "It isn't as big as I remember." "That's because you're a lot bigger now. You were only three the last time." "I bet you were so cute in your little white dress. Did you guys take pictures?" "Sure, Mom has a whole wall of pictures at home. One family picture for each sealing." "How many have there been?" "Well there was Mark. Christian and I would make two. Then there was Caleb... three. Micah and Anna make four." I counted in my head and thought about the names I'd heard tonight. "What about Ruth?" "Oh, she wasn't adopted." "Really?" "She's our little miracle." Mark added with a fond smile. "You're just saying that because you don't have to live with her. She's been so whiny lately." This made Mark laugh and he messed Rebekah's hair again. I was relieved because Rebekah's comment made me feel better about my own family. Up 'til now I was wondering how the Coles managed to be so perfect. We sat for a few moments in silence just enjoying the Spirit of the temple grounds. Mark shook his head back and forth and stretched his arms. He didn't stretch far before running up against the confines of the car. After a big yawn he said, "I should probably get you girls home. Megan especially." "I'm fine. Take your time." I was feeling tired but my mind was wide awake and full of questions. Mark's family seemed so interesting. I didn't want to be rude with too many questions and they did have the next couple of days. After a more subdued drive to the apartments, I gave Rebekah the rundown of where everything was and introduced her to Kristen, Jackie, and Melissa. Then she left with Mark and I got ready for bed. It was still early enough and my brain wasn't ready to shut down for the night so I pulled my books out to do a little studying. I had a hard time concentrating because I kept thinking about our guest. It wasn't long before I regretted not going with her to see Andy's reaction to meeting Rebekah. It would be fun to watch him squirm. When she got back, it was late. I had decided to wait up for her just to be a good hostess. I tried not to let her see how tired I was as she talked past midnight. I was forming a habit, it had been less than two weeks since I stayed up late to talk with friends. I wasn't much for talking about the normal girl stuff like boys and clothes, so Jackie and Rebekah did most of the talking. I did enjoy hearing Rebekah's take on her brother's roommates. Too bad there was a kind of implied confidentiality in these girl's talks. I finally left Rebekah in Jackie's hands and rolled over to sleep. My alarm was going to seem even earlier than usual when it went off in four hours. I was almost out when I heard a squeal of delight. "She really kissed him?" Somehow, through my sleepy state I managed to feel the terror of this information in Jackie's hands. * * * The next morning Rebekah stayed with Jackie while I went to work. I was a little jealous as I left them both sleeping. I'd gotten a little less than four hours of sleep but it was worth it if she was having fun. Rebekah joined me later and went with me to some of my classes. I enjoyed watching Rebekah's eyes pop open when she entered the auditorium for my history class. Between classes, her head swiveled around trying to take in all the sights. I was tempted to grab her by the hand and lead her to where we were going. I remembered my first time on campus and could appreciate some of what she was going through but she was probably a lot less used to crowds than I was. After classes, we met Mark and he treated us to a late lunch. After that, we went to the bookstore. Rebekah looked for little souvenirs for everyone in the family. Mark's smile broadened and his eyes danced as he helped her choose. Between the two of them, each person was assured a thoughtful gift. It was so much fun being with them. I knew the Mark's big smiles were not for me and I couldn't count them but it didn't reduce my enjoyment of them. Though Mark was focused on the gift choosing, he couldn't help but notice the way Rebekah's eyes followed every guy that passed us. I laughed to myself remembering the way she had gushed last night about how good looking all of Mark's roommates were. I would not be sharing that conversation with Mark. I also was never going to tell Andy that she had said he was cuter in his mission pictures because his hair was thinner now. Rebekah bit her lip and made a small, happy noise as we passed an especially handsome guy on our way out. Mark covered his eyes with his hand and I couldn't help a giggle. I was proud of him for controlling that overprotective side even though it was difficult. Trying to recover the situation, I said, "Well we had better get going if we are going to find a good spot in the canyon for dinner." Mark sighed in relief and we headed back to the apartments to gather supplies and people. The idea of isolating his sister in the mountains away from all the dangers of campus must have appealed a lot to Mark. The group that would be going with us was not as large as I was hoping for, but perhaps it didn't matter. We really didn't need big numbers to have fun. Jackie and Melissa would be coming with us but Kristen had plans already. Among the guys, I was only sure about Mark. I managed to talk Andy into coming with us by promising that I would be his date. This way he wouldn't seem unattached around Rebekah, not that she would care. It was funny that he was so afraid of her. Together Mark and Andy talked Nathan into missing the game and coming with us. The drive up the canyon was beautiful. Mark, Rebekah and Jackie were in his truck while the rest of us went in Andy's car. Our group was lively but I was a bit quiet. It was a combination of being tired and wondering what interesting conversations were going on between the Coles. The fire was roaring in no time; there must have been some former scouts among us. As we all sat around talking and laughing, it brought back memories of camping with my family. Everyone found a stick and tried to cook a hotdog on the fire; some were more successful than others were. I put my hand on Mark's shoulder to keep him quiet when Nathan offered to help Rebekah who was struggling with hers. Very happy to receive the help, she smiled broadly up at him; yet another smile I enjoyed but couldn't count. I was pretty sure that Rebekah could have figured out how to cook the hotdog herself. She was really much better at this flirting thing than I was. Mark started to clear his throat and I tightened my fingers on his shoulder. If he wasn't careful, his overprotectiveness was really going to embarrass Rebekah. Andy elbowed me, his eyebrows raised and I gave him a look that said, "Can't you control your friend?" He grinned and left his place beside me to sit on the other side of Mark. Melissa scooted over into the space next to me that Andy had just left. Nathan sat across the fire from us with Jackie on one side and Rebekah on the other. He didn't look like he was missing that game much. The sun started to set and we quickly cleaned up dinner before we were out of light. Mark anchored the trash bag in the back of his truck with a log from the bundle of firewood he'd brought. I wouldn't even have thought of bring firewood. Sometimes, I thought his attention to detail was well suited for a career in recreation. The seating arrangements when we sat back down were almost the same except for this time Mark was sitting next to his sister. She barely seemed to notice because all of her focus was on Nathan to her right. I had Andy sit beside Mark again so that he could provide some kind of calming influence. Darkness, lit only by campfire has a way of bringing out the showmanship in some people. You never really need to plan for entertainment around a fire because it just seems to happen spontaneously. Nathan started us off with his Donald Duck voice. Somehow, it sounded funnier in the dark. The girls on either side of Nathan giggled and their eyes danced in the firelight. Encouraged, he moved on to his impression of a gorilla trying to catch a balloon. He was leaping around the circle with his arms hanging. Mark seemed torn between amusement and caution as his eyes moved back and forth from Nathan to Rebekah. Andy was next up on the program, suggesting that we all sing some hymns. It warmed my heart to sit there in the circle and sing with my friends. He reached over and held my hand and I squeezed it. After several hymns, we moved on the inevitable. Melissa began a ghost story. She made it only two sentences before it started. "Is this the one where the ghost is looking for its head?" "I've heard this one before. Isn't it buried somewhere in the woods?" "No, that's another story, in this one the ghost is looking for its dog." "Oh, I've heard that one." "Me too." By now, the mood was broken and there was really no point in continuing the story. I was secretly glad; I didn't care much for scary stories, especially in the woods at night. We let the fire die down as we talked. Rebekah occasionally turned to have her brother whisper something in her ear that made her grin. How wonderful that the two of them could be together and that Mark could relax enough to enjoy it. Melissa was riding with Mark and Rebekah this time. I wondered if she might be looking for some more time with Mark. Would Rebekah notice someone crushing on her brother? I figured the answer was not today. She seemed in her own little world. Then I wondered if I should find some discreet time to talk to Melissa about the kiss with Mark. The idea of having to explain that one didn't thrill me much. I brightened as we drove because it soon became apparent that such a discussion might not be necessary. Jackie was in full flirt mode with Nathan in the back seat. This was probably the real cause of the seating changes. I couldn't blame her. Nathan had definitely shined tonight. Rebekah would have probably kicked me out of the car so that she could ride with Nathan too but being on a date with Andy had made that impossible. Besides, I doubted that Mark would stand for it. * * * It was late when we got back, but Rebekah was still really excited. We said quick good nights to the guys and went back to our apartment for some ice cream and late night girl talk again. Tonight's conversation seemed to be all about Nathan. Both Jackie and Rebekah were gushing about how cute he was. I smiled thinking of the other Nathan I knew, the one who watched ESPN nonstop and couldn't lose with grace. I was yawning well before the others showed any signs of being tired. I didn't really have anything to contribute to the conversation anyway. Even without much participation from me, we were up past 2 am. We went to bed and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. Saturday morning was Rebekah's choice of activities. She really wanted to spend some more time with Mark's roommates, mostly Nathan. We made pancake batter, grabbed some board games and dishes, and then marched over to D41. It was just the two of us this morning. Jackie was sleeping in. Sleeping in sounded wonderful to me too, but Rebekah was only here a short time. The cold shower I took to wake me up worked but I could tell that I wasn't as peppy as usual. Mark welcomed us in with a big smile. I figured I could count that one because I had brought his sister over for him. Okay, so it was a stretch but the week was almost over and I was padding my total. He was pleased that we would be staying in for the morning. He looked a little tired, too, but I suspect the real reason was that he wouldn't have to protect Rebekah from a city of guys. Fortunately, from Mark's point of view, Nathan was leaving early for work. Rebekah was a bit disappointed by the news, but managed not to appear too down in front of Mark. She soon rallied and we started to make the pancakes. It was a good thing that we had lots of batter because everyone was hungry. It had been too long since I'd eaten breakfast with my brothers. It was just like Saturday morning at home. Though I loved the atmosphere, I didn't feel at all like digging in. I picked at my food, trying to decide if I felt like eating. I had to shake it off; I was supposed to be leading this party. I jumped up and took my plate to the sink, disposing of the half eaten pancake as I went. Then I cleared the coffee table so that we could set up the first board game. "Andy, we need music. Got any?" I commanded rather than asked. "Yep," he shoved in his last bite of pancake (the bite was big enough to be three bites) and jogged down the hall. In no time, we were laughing and playing. Rebekah was really enjoying herself and Mark glowed with joy as he watched her. The music Andy provided was a bit odd. He informed us it was his dance practice CD from a social dance class he'd had last semester. This gave the guys an idea. Andy and Mark moved the table into the hall so that the floor would be clear for dancing. Andy grabbed my hand and tried to show us some of the swing moves, but I was so tired that I felt more dizzy than anything else. Mark became Rebekah's partner and the two danced as if they had practiced together lots. Was this perhaps, a Cole family tradition, like singing in the car or bear hugs? Lunch was a picnic in the park and my favorite, a surprise. We had been unable to get tickets to any musical performances this weekend but there was a free hand bell choir concert going on at a downtown park. We carried blankets and food to the concert area as they were setting up. This way we got a good seat and we got to watch as they tested their bells. Rebekah was very intent as she watched the care with which they handled them. Each bell ringer wore white gloves. The music that came from the bells was amazing. It was such an enjoyable afternoon that I wasn't ready for it to end. With the concert over, it was time for Mark and Rebekah to head to Salt Lake. He was going to take her to Temple Square before they met their dad for dinner. I gave Rebekah a hug and a card with my phone number in it, hoping she would call me if she needed another girl to talk too. Though, I suspected in the Cole house that she had plenty of company. The rest of the day I planned to devote to homework, but I was useless. There were still plenty of things like laundry and shopping to take care of so I set the books aside and did my chores. I seemed to be doing this a lot. Amazingly, my grades were okay. I was blessed with easy classes this semester, I guess. The next morning when I got up for church I felt dizzy. It took me a minute before I could stand safely. Clearly, I had overdone this week. While I waited for my turn to shower, I tried some breakfast but nothing sounded good. I settled for nibbling on some crackers and had a small glass of juice. Even after my shower, it was obvious to my roommates that something was wrong. I guessed my wrinkled dress and wet hair pulled back in a scrunchie were good clues. I'd just had too many late nights recently. With a little rest, I would be good as new. "You look terrible. Maybe you should stay home." Kristen said as she spied the lines around my eyes. "I'm fine. I'm just a little tired." Andy seemed not to notice my disarray. He beamed at me with a wide smile as he held my door open. That was smile number one for the week. I could see Mark getting into his truck with a piece of toast in his teeth. I hoped he'd had a good visit with his dad. Andy told me about work as we drove to church. Apparently, the restaurant was packed and all four tables in the balcony were full. He had drawn the short straw and had waited on all of them. I smiled compassionately as he rubbed the back of his legs complaining about the stairs. Maybe Kristen was right; I should have stayed home. I wasn't even being good company. As our group made its way into the large lecture room for Sacrament Meeting, Mark placed his long arm across my back and squeezed my shoulders. "Thank you so much for your help. Rebekah had a wonderful time. She left very happy." "No problem. I had fun too." He looked more carefully and grabbed my arm. "We'll catch up," Mark called as he stopped off to the side. Andy looked back, curiosity clear on his face but he kept walking. "How sick are you Megan?" "I'm not sick, I'm just tired." "You look awful we shouldn't have pushed you so much especially since you were just getting over something." He shook his head. "Sorry." "It's no big deal. I'll just take a nap." "You need to be more careful." He reached up feeling my forehead and checking my eyes. "You need to go home and go to bed. I'll drive you, just let me tell them I'm going." "Stop!" I said as forcefully as I could without shouting. "I want to stay for church. I didn't tell you that stuff so you could baby me." I marched angrily past him and into the room with more energy than I'd used all morning. The prelude played quietly and I took my seat. For the first time today, I was feeling something other than tired... I was mad. Andy smiled at me. I rubbed my eyes. They were so tired they were tearing. "Are you okay?" he whispered. "Yes, just tired." "Oh, well rest your head here." He placed his arm around my shoulders and pressed his hand against my face to push it down onto his arm. I had to admit it felt good to rest my head a moment. I heard Mark sit down but I didn't look at him. Why had I told him about the cancer? He was as bad as a mother hen. Spencer was never like that. He used to tell me to get over it so that we could hang out again. I declined the invitation from Andy to go over for dinner. Instead, I went straight home from church and crawled into bed, mostly because I was tired but also because I didn't want to see Mark. I was still angry. Chapter 7 It was Monday morning when I got out of bed again. 5:15 was a little easier this morning, maybe because I had been asleep for 14 hours. I went through my normal routine to get ready, which wasn't that involved. I tried to be out the door by 5:30 so that I would have a good half an hour to get to work. I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door. My bike wasn't in the rack. I walked to a rack nearby looking for it but I was sure I had parked it in the usual spot. It couldn't be stolen. I was sure that I'd locked it up. "Looking for something?" I looked up and scanned the parking lot for the source of the voice. "My bike," I said, feeling wary. Mark was standing beside his truck with his arms folded across his chest. His eyes were sleepy and his hair looked like he had just rolled out of bed. "I've got it. Come on." I walked over to him, my arms crossed. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was being mothered again and I didn't like it. "I can ride my bike to work. I'm fine. Please give it to me." I said it nicely but I was firm. If I wasted much more time I might be late to work. "I know you can. I can see you feel better. Look better too. This is all about breakfast." "Breakfast? I've already eaten." "No. My breakfast. Crow, I believe, is on the menu. Seriously, please let me apologize. Get in." He held the door open and I caved. "Fine but I really need to get to work." "I am really sorry that I offended you. I get nosy and bossy. It's a big flaw. I just don't like to see the people I care about hurting themselves." I wasn't going to let him off that easy. "But you took private information and rubbed it in my face. I told you I hated it when people worried about me, but you still..." "Megan, I can't help that I know now. And yes, it is sometimes going to affect how I react. But really it's only because I want you to be healthy." I sighed. It was the same with my mom. I couldn't be mad at someone for caring, even if it was obnoxious. "You have to trust me to take care of myself. I'm not a baby." This was something I wanted him to understand upfront. Maybe we could avoid this in the future. "You're right. I'm sorry. Bu...." He stopped abruptly. "Just say it." "No, I don't think I will." "Mark, it's okay. I'm not mad at you. I know you were just being a good friend. You'll feel better if you just say it, so go ahead." He looked at me hesitantly. "It's just that I think you are more concerned with everyone else than you are with yourself and as long as that is the case I will be watching out for you. I should have been paying better attention this weekend." "Thank you, that's really sweet, but I don't want you to worry about me all the time. I hate being the cause of that." "I won't be worrying, just watching. There's a difference... really." He looked at my skeptical expression. "Honest." I put my face in my hands and shook my head. After a moment I sat back up and brushed my hair back into place. "Well if it wasn't me you were worrying about, I'm sure it would be someone else." "Figured that out did ya?" I smile spread across his face, a genuine 'picture worth a thousand words' kind of smile. I wanted to count it twice. "Could you try to keep it a secret that I'm a big time meddler, please?" I laughed as if he was already forgiven. I seemed like I was letting him off too easy, but I just couldn't help it. He'd melted away any frustration I'd felt. Mark parked the truck and got the bike out of the back for me. While I looked it up, I asked, "How did you get my bike out of the rack? I was sure I locked it up." "You did. I know the combination from the night of the concert. I saw you take the chain off so that you could lock it up." I put it in the rack and turned into a hug. If I got too many more of these hugs, I might just become an honorary Cole. His embrace was comforting so I lingered for a moment. I liked not being mad at him much better. "Thanks for the ride. When's your first class?" "Ten. I'm not much of a morning person," He climbed back into his truck and drove away. Just like I'd suspected, he had gotten out of bed just for me. How could such little things make me feel so special? These guys were spoiling me. The ride had given me an extra ten minutes so I checked my phone messages. I had missed a call from my mom last night and a call from Rebekah, if I got the area code right. I would call every one tomorrow. Tonight, I promised myself another date with my bed; I would be heading there after dinner. Thursday night, Andy showed up with flowers. These flowers had a fall theme and were all oranges and yellows. It was a beautiful arrangement and I was flattered. "I've missed you this week. How are you feeling?" he said. "I'm great! I just needed to catch up on my sleep. What have I missed?" "Nothing, really. We're sort of boring without you to organize us." What an absurdity. It wasn't as if I was having a party all week. Andy just grinned at me and I playfully punched him in the arm. I hadn't gotten many smiles this week since I'd spent so much time in bed. "Can I take you to dinner?" "That sounds good but I was just about to eat. Want to join me?" I wanted to kick myself for inviting him. I was a little embarrassed by my cooking. Andy was such a great cook and I was just learning. "As long as you promise not to laugh or make faces when you taste it." "I promise," he said, crossing his heart with his index finger. I dished up two helpings of brown rice and vegetable stir fry. I was trying to eat healthier. All the extra rest this week had gone a long way towards improving the way I felt, but some added nutrition couldn't hurt. This seemed like a good source of vitamins even though I'd never really cooked it before. The flavor wasn't bad, I noted as I took my first bite. I'd gotten the spices in the stir fry just right. It was the texture that made me grimace. "Hey, you said no faces," Andy complained while he chewed. "I've never cooked brown rice before, but I don't think it is supposed to be this crunchy." "Brown rice just takes longer than white. No worries, you'll get the hang of it." His encouraging words and smile made me feel better even if I couldn't count it. This smile just seemed too much like a pity smile. "We could still go out," I offered as I choked down the next bite. "But you've already cooked." He manfully took another bite and chewed and chewed and chewed. The sight of him chewing for longer than should be necessary gave me a fit of the giggles. Big tears formed in my eyes as I tried to get myself under control. They spilled over onto my cheeks. Andy picked up on them right away and couldn't resist, "Don't cry, Megan. See, I'm eating it." He placed another bite into his mouth and the giggles returned in force. "What are you doing to Megan?" Melissa inquired as she exited her room, flute in hand. She took one look at my red face and started to laugh too. "I think it's because she thinks I hate her cooking. But I'm almost finished." He held his bowl out to show her and then scooped another bite into his mouth. I pushed my bowl away and laid my head on the table still trying to get control of my giggles. Melissa gave up on getting coherent speech from me and went back to practicing. Andy mercifully was silent for a time and I finally calmed enough to speak. "Okay, ice cream is on me. You definitely deserve it after that performance." * * * The next day was sure to be an interesting one. I had an assignment for one of my recreation classes to spend a day in a wheelchair. This was supposed to teach me about accessibility. By necessity, my day would not begin until I finished work. Friday morning, I walked to work so that I would not have to worry about my bike. After my shift, I picked up the wheelchair at my professor's office. I signed out the chair, sat down, and proceeded to make my way through to my first class. Luckily, I had a good half an hour to get there – and it looked like I was going to need it. I found my progress was very slow. I didn't realize how weak my arms were until I tried to wheel the chair up a small ramp. I was unable to go the whole way without resting and when I stopped to rest, the chair would roll backwards. It took several tries before I made it. The day was a lot more difficult than I expected. To make things worse, when classes were over I realized I would never be able to get home on my own power. I tried Mark's cell first but he his line was busy. Andy answered my call on the second ring and happily came to pick me up. It took some doing but with the back seat down we were able to get the folded wheelchair into his car. We just had to drive with the hatchback door up. "So how was your day?" "Interesting... I had no idea." He dropped me off as close to my door as he could, hoping this would help me, but then we noticed the ramp was down about a hundred feet from where he had parked. He wrestled the chair from the back and set it up for me. "Can't you just cheat?" I sighed, "No, the whole point is to see what it is really like." "Can I at least push you?" "Sure, and thanks for asking. You know some people today just came up behind me and started pushing, without even saying anything to me. It made me feel really out of control." "They were probably just trying to help." "Yeah, I know, but still I'm a person. I felt like an obstacle." "Well, there you go. You learned something... now you will never do that." He saw me safely through my front door and mussed my hair on his way out. Alone in the kitchen, I tried fixing myself a snack. Everything looked so different now. I had no idea how high the upper cabinets really were or even how wide the kitchen sink was. I barely reached the faucet to wash an apple that I'd found on the counter. How was I going to be fix dinner? Andy must have been thinking the same thing because he called a minute later. "Hi, I'm coming over to help you with dinner tonight. You have no choice. I will be there in an hour." "Sure, you just want to laugh at my cooking some more." "Hey, I never laughed. That was you. Wait a second..." I held the line while he talked with someone in the background. A minute later he was back on the phone, "Mark's coming too; so make plenty." He laughed at his own joke and I groaned. "Hey where is that spunky attitude I like so much?" He was right. I was being a lot more pessimistic than usual lately. Once in the early morning hours in my grey and pink walled hospital room, I had given into the loneliness and despair. I cried, curled in on myself, not ignoring the pain or the boredom for once. The results had been a monster headache and pitiful glances from the nursing staff when they brought me my morning meds. From that moment on, I promised never to let myself get so down again. No one had seen me that day, and I wasn't about to let Andy see me like that. I worked on making my voice sound brighter. "I can't wait to see you both, remember it's black tie so don't disappoint." My laugh was only a bit forced as he whistled. "Yes, Ma'am." Although he had been joking, I started to wonder what I would make that would feed the bottomless pits who were coming to dinner. Enchiladas had always been my favorite so I'd made sure that my mom taught me how to make them. At least this time I wouldn't be embarrassed like I was with the rice. A quick inventory of ingredients had me calling Andy back to see if he could pick up a few things before he came over. It was surprising how much effort was needed just to look in the refrigerator. It felt like I was dancing because of the way I had to change directions in my chair. It was probably a good thing that the guys were coming over or that apple would be all I'd be eating. My roommates seemed to be buzzing around in all directions. Not one of them seemed to even notice the wheelchair. I think that the upcoming midterms might have something to do with it. I just tried to stay out of their way. With my helpers, dinner was prepared in no time. Andy cooked the meat while Mark chopped the ingredients. They brought them over to the table so that I could assemble the enchiladas. Though they weren't as good as the ones I'd eaten at the restaurant with Andy, at least this time the complements were deserved. They both devoured their portions and went for seconds "It feels a little like I'm cheating to have had so much help with dinner." I complained. But Mark pointed out, "Don't feel bad. You were unprepared for this. If you were in a wheelchair all the time, things wouldn't be stored in cabinets that were too high." "Plus," Andy put in, "we would have missed out on that yummy dinner." "This whole day was just harder than I expected. I must have the weakest arms in Utah. I couldn't even make it up the special ramps designed for wheelchairs." "You're looking at this wrong." Mark sat back down after taking his plate to the sink. He was starting to bounce nervously in that way he sometimes did when he was fired up about something. "Some of your frustrations today could have been solved with the right kind of chair. The chair you're using is made for pushing. A chair designed for you would have good balance and be easier to maneuver." That made me feel a little better. "Still you should see how long it takes to get anywhere; even if I had the right chair, I would still have to go out of my way all the time to find elevators and ramps. Even one or two steps is impossible and I had to go the long way around." "That gets a bit trickier," Mark agreed running his fingers in patterns absentmindedly on the table as he spoke. "Whenever we take Micah anywhere we always try to check for the best route. We make sure we park in the right spot or allow enough time depending on the building. Because you're right, accessible and convenient are not the same thing." "Micah's in a wheelchair?" "Yeah, guess I never told you. He has cerebral palsy. So believe me, I know about this. If you had to get around campus in a wheelchair all the time, you would plan your class times and locations appropriately." "How? Everything is still out of the way and you have to go where the classes are, it's not like you can have them come to you." "No, but if you have a choice between a Religion class on the first floor or the third which would you choose? And instead of zigzagging all over campus you would probably try to group your classes in nearby buildings, then move on to another area." Andy was listening intently and I was taking notes. "Yeah, and I think they have an office on campus that helps with stuff like that." "See, it just takes a little prep," Mark finished matter-of-factly. "I can help you with your paper if you want." "Thanks but I think I am going to talk about another kind of accessibility. I haven't quite worked it out yet, but I guess I would call it an emotional accessibility. The one thing, aside from my aching arms, that I really noticed today was how no one really looked me in the eye. They just kind of looked past me." "I know all about that too, unfortunately. Very few people acknowledge Micah." "Yeah, I want to write about this strange distance between people and how recreation can bridge the gap." "Sounds awesome. I want to read it when you are done." Mark said patting my shoulder. "Hate to eat and run but I have work. Thanks for dinner, Megan." Andy stayed long enough to see that I had everything I needed and then he left me to write while the ideas were still fresh. Brainstorming ran long and I didn't actually write much. I couldn't help but think about Mark and wonder how he handled the reactions people had to Micah. Too bad he was at work and I couldn't call him. I did the best I could, trying to focus on breaking the ice kinds of activities. If people could just learn to look past the surface then my work would be half done. When I stood up from the chair at bedtime, I felt relieved and a little guilty. I thanked Heavenly Father that night for things I had never thought to thank Him for before. Then I laid in bed awake for a while smiling at the success of my enchiladas. * * * The end of the month was fast approaching and I still hadn't talked to my visiting teaching sisters to encourage them or even done my own visiting teaching. I approached Alexis, my companion, about visiting teaching and she was free Sunday so I called and made appointments. Alexis prepared the lesson and I even read it ahead of time so that I could contribute. Still waiting for an answer to my prayer, I was just going through the motions not really seeing the point. At least if my visiting teaching was done, I would feel better about calling the other sisters. * * * Andy complained when I spent several nights in planning meetings for some upcoming activities. I tried to convince him that I was not the personal activities director of apartment D41 but he just frowned and said he missed me. It was kind of sweet; I was starting to feel like we were all some sort of family. Saturday, I helped with some activities for the kids of the family housing on campus. Autumn was definitely here. We were all set up with relay games and face painting in the open field that was at the center of the lower apartment units. The turnout was pretty good, I was in charge of a group of about ten kids and there were two more groups besides mine. We were just finishing up a baby pumpkin relay where the kids each ran to the end of field and took a baby pumpkin and then walked back holding it up on their head. With all the kids in the group now holding a pumpkin, we went to the table to decorate them. The kids were fast and it wasn't long before pumpkins were decorated. They began to decorate themselves and each other with the paints and markers. The next activity we were supposed to do was occupied by another group, so I needed to come up with a distraction for my group fast. Back home I was the nursery leader and I'd learned that it was best to stay on your toes with lots of activities. I gathered the kids in a circle for a game of Duck Goose. It was so cute, some of the kids were very small and they had never played before. I grabbed one little boy by the hand taking him around the circle showing him what to do. When goose came he got a little confused and ran through the circle and then back again. A few more turns and we were all giggling and chasing each other in an impromptu game of tag. I'd lost count of smiles so far this morning. When it was time, I herded my group over to the leaf jump area and grabbed the rake to make the pile a little bigger for them. Excitedly, they entered the leaves and began to jump and throw them in the air. It soon became obvious that a bunch of small piles instead of one big one would be safer. This allowed the kids to jump with enthusiasm without bumping into each other. The activity was nearly over and I scanned the activity area for signs that things were breaking up. I was surprised to see Andy sitting near a tree watching the festivities. My hands were full with the kids. I didn't have time to go over and question him or even wave before I was being dragged across the field to where the whole group was gathering. Each of the kids had a decorated cookie and a bag of popcorn to take with them, so I lined them up and marched them past the table for their treats. They sat in a small group again on the grass waiting for their parents to get them. Activities weren't really necessary with the cookies around, so I flopped on the grass to catch my breath. They ate contentedly and their frosting covered faces seemed both tired and happy. It had been a couple of months since I had worked with little kids in nursery but I was pleased to see that I hadn't forgotten how to play with them. Dad always said it was because I was just a big kid. Several members of my group left with their parents. I was helping one little girl pick up her popcorn that had spilled everywhere. We gave up, I wiped her tears, and sent her to the table to get another bag. I remembered my audience when he spoke. "You're really good with them, you know?" "Andy, hi! What are you doing here?" I asked, happy to see him. Before he could answer, a few more parents came and picked up their kids. I absently exchanged 'thank you's and 'glad you could come's. One little boy with a frosting covered face gave me a hug. I smiled, patted his back, and thanked him for being so good. The two kids left had finished their cookies and were getting restless. I sat them beside me again and went into story mode. It would be easier to keep track of them if they were not running in opposite directions. The kids giggled as my leaf bunny jumped from tree to tree looking for his favorite food, sugar cookies. I looked up to where Andy was seated a few feet away. He was also listening to my story. I smiled at him and his return smile was broad and bright. I added it to the running total of the day. The last of the parents stood nearby waiting for the story to be over so that they could take their children home. Quickly, I wrapped it up and sent the goo covered kids on their way. Andy stood and came over grabbing my hand casually. "I was hoping that I could take you to lunch," he said, answering the question that had been interrupted before. "Careful," I said glancing at our hands, "I think I am covered in frosting and paint." "That's okay, I missed out on the activities. This way, I get to participate." "Oh, I didn't know you wanted to play? I think there are a few more baby pumpkins." "Lunch?" "Sure," I said leaning on his shoulder, "unless you just want to eat some leftover popcorn and sugar cookies?" He paused putting his finger to his lips as if deep in thought. "Tempting." "I do need to clean up first." I called over my shoulder already heading for a table. He followed and we began to box up the supplies. He grabbed my hand again and drew a smiley face on the back of it with one of the markers. "You missed a spot," he said as he bent and kissed it. This was fun. I had never really thought about the whole boyfriend thing before; but if that is what Andy was becoming, it had its advantages. With things all cleaned up, I said goodbye to the other volunteers making arrangements to meet and evaluate the activity after class on Monday. Andy led me to his car and opened the door for me. I handed him a bag as he got into the car. He opened it, peeked inside, and laughed. "Great, you got dessert. I get the ghost one with the raisin eyes," "Suits me," I said smiling and looking down at my stained shirt, "I want the pumpkin anyway; orange is definitely my color." "Do you want to go home and change first?" he asked politely following my gaze. "I think it will be okay, consider it a badge of honor for the day's activities," I said throwing my shoulders back as if in pride. "Drive on, good sir." I couldn't help giggling as he sat up at attention and started the car with an air of an obedient servant. Lunch was at a small Chinese restaurant just off campus. I was glad that my wardrobe hadn't been too out of place for where he was taking me. I excused myself when we walked in and went to clean up in the bathroom; stained was one thing but sticky was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. I was scrubbing the paint off of my hands when I saw the smiley face again. I washed lightly over it, hoping that it would stay for a while. I could remember the feeling of his lips on the spot and it made my face feel hot. The little smile stared at me and I wondered if I should count it. He stood up from his seat and handed me a chocolate colored bear with a big yellow ribbon when I returned from the bathroom. "Oh, it's so cute. But why?" "It's sort of an anniversary present. Five weeks ago yesterday was our first date." He shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal. Wow, I was really out of it with this dating thing. "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything." "That's okay. I'm just glad to be with you. It's been a long week." I smiled as his bottom lip puckered ever so slightly in a frown. I had no idea that being away from me could make anyone sad let alone this talented man. "Well, thank you for lunch and the bear. It is really thoughtful." Then I leaned across the table and hugged him. From then on, time with Andy became a normal part of my day. We were always together when we could be, sometimes with the guys and sometimes alone. Of course, he worked most weekends, so I saved that time for roommate bonding and homework. I was settling down into the whole 'boyfriend relationship thing', wondering what I had been so worried about for so long, when things got tricky. Chapter 8 One Saturday evening in early November, I decided to celebrate the completion of a term paper by doing something with the guys. I knocked on their door feeling buoyant after the stress of my homework was lifted. Nathan answered looking put out. "What's the matter?" I asked. "John and Emily are going out again. That's the third time this week," he fumed. I put my arm around his shoulder and led him back to the couch. "Hey, why don't we do something fun tonight? Andy's at work, so I'm free." "What would we do?" I thought for a second trying to think of something Nathan would enjoy. "We could go bowling and then I will treat you to a pizza." His face brightened. "You're on! Let me get my jacket." It had been a slow week for smiles and a smile from Nathan was always a treat because they tended to be rare. "Well, I need my purse and jacket too. Meet you at your car in five?" He nodded and I went running across the parking lot to my apartment. Bowling with Nathan probably wasn't the best idea; he could get so worked up, but at least it would get his mind off of things. I wonder how George would handle me dating his friends. I winced grateful that the idea hadn't crossed my mind since I was 14. "Nathan those shoes are definitely you." He huffed a laugh, "I was thinking the same thing. Maybe I should see if they sell 'em." "Try to get the old ones that don't match." "I'll see what I can do. Are we going to play or are we going to keep talking about how stunning I am? I mean, I'm open to either one but we did come here to play." "Alright, just you wait. I have some moves." "Yeah, but are they good?" I managed to have a game with no gutter balls, a personal first, and Nathan reined in his power enough that the ball only jumped into the other lane once. The first two games had us evenly matched; neither of us broke a hundred on our score. I managed to pull ahead the first game and he won the second. "Shall we go best two out of three?" I asked as we tallied the final score. "No, let's leave things. That way we're both winners. You mentioned pizza right?" I stared at Nathan surprised by this response. "Who are you and what have you done with my friend, Nathan?" "I'm working on some things in preparation for my mission." He said shrugging. "Competition is a tough one for me." Wow, Nathan always surprised me. "You're awesome!" I told him honestly and have him a quick hug. "Let's go get that pizza. No peppers, okay?" "I don't do vegetables anyway." He smiled at me and I frowned at him in a motherly way. "Some habits are harder to change than others," he said. That made five smiles in all from Nathan in one night. The evening was a success. Nathan was feeling better and I had helped with that. Cheering up a friend had been a good way to celebrate my paper. * * * The next morning on the ride to church, Andy seemed distracted. I thought that maybe he was thinking about the lesson he had to give in Elders' Quorum. "Is everything okay?" I asked. He grunted and I wasn't sure what that meant. I continued to stare at him looking for some kind of clue. Finally, he said, "We don't really have time to talk about it now. We can talk after church." Now, I was really worried. Apparently, I was the cause of the bad mood. My fears were confirmed when he came around to get my door but didn't take my hand. We walked silently into the building. Mark and Nathan waved to us from the seats that they had saved but Andy ignored them and sat in a seat at the very back. I sat next to him feeling sad and confused. I shrugged at the guys and they turned around as the music started. The meeting began and I tried to concentrate but it was difficult. Saying a silent prayer for Andy seemed to be all I could do at the moment. I was fighting distraction as I tried listening to the Sunday School lesson with him rigid at my side. Relief Society was a little better but only because it was easier to focus without him right there. After church, Andy walked me to his car to begin our talk. He fidgeted with his keys for a few minutes, so I began. "Okay, so what's going on?" "You know that I work most weekends and it has never seemed to bother you before," he paused and I nodded my head for him to continue. Still he hesitated, "Are you seeing someone else?" "Why would you think that?" He didn't answer, just continued on with his thoughts. "I mean... I know we haven't talked about being exclusive but I thought that we were." He sighed and looked away. "So did I." I still didn't understanding where this was coming from. "I haven't been dating anyone but you." "What about Nathan?" "Huh?" I said stunned "Nathan said that you guys went out last night." "Yeah, he was sad, so I tried to cheer him up. It was just friends hanging out." He sighed and shook his head slightly, "Megan, when it is just the two of you it looks a lot like a date." "Well it wasn't." I said raising my voice. "So what? I can't help my friends because we're dating exclusively? That's not fair." "Of course you should help your friends. Just try not to date them." "It wasn't a date!" My voice filled the corner of our parking area and we both looked round to see if anyone heard. I lowered my voice, zipped up my hoodie and said, "I'm done talking about this." Andy sighed again, "Okay, maybe we need some time to think. I don't want to fight with you." I turned to walk away hoping that he would stop me. "I'll just walk home with my roommates then." He didn't answer, just got in his car and drove away. I walked home by myself, not in the mood to talk to anyone else. I hated that he didn't believe me. I was angry with Andy and a little upset with Nathan, too. It made so much sense to me; why was Andy being so stubborn about this? The beauties of the changing fall trees, which had delighted me for weeks, were lost to me now as I grumbled, looking at the sidewalk. I grew grumpier with each step. Maybe relationships were more trouble than they were worth. * * * The next few days passed in a similar way. Though I was still upset, I tried unsuccessfully not to let it interfere with my life. Tuesday evening Jackie bounced into the kitchen. "Do you always have to be so cheerful?" I griped. She stopped and looked me over carefully, "That's not like you, Megan. What's up?" Guilt shot through me and I turned to apologize. Instead, I spilled everything about the fight with Andy. When I'd finished, I added my own editorial, "He is being such a jerk about it! It's totally silly to think that I was out with Nathan on a date!" Jackie scrunched her face up in a frown for a moment the slowly said, "Megan, I can see Andy's point. It really looks like a date, even if you didn't mean for it to be one." "But what do looks have to do with anything?" "Well, have you stopped to wonder if Nathan thought it was a date?" What? Of course, he wouldn't think that. We're just buddies and he knows that I'm dating Andy. Suddenly, I wasn't sure of anything. "Oh, no! Do you think he did?" "I couldn't say, but what if other people saw you that night. Would they think it was a date?" I was starting to feel a little small, "Probably," I admitted. "How would you feel if someone told you that they saw Andy out with another girl?" "Sad, and a little jealous, I guess." "Now how would you feel if the girl was someone you knew well and you also knew that Andy really liked her?" "Worse. Oh, it does look bad doesn't it?" Jackie didn't say anything. She just looked at me with those all too knowing eyes. How did such wisdom wind up there of all places? I mean Jackie is great and all, but I wouldn't have pegged her for a relationship guru. "But wait does that mean that I have to watch everything I do and change who I am just so that I don't offend Andy? Shouldn't he trust me?" "I don't think it will be as hard as all that. Just think before you act. You like to plan. Next time invite another friend along and then there will be two of you to do the cheering up. I'm always available... unfortunately." I smiled at her and gave her a big hug. "Thanks, Jackie. You are really much better at this relationship stuff than I am." "Those who can't do, teach." Now I needed to figure out how I was going to approach Andy. Was he still really mad? Saying sorry was going to take some planning because I didn't know that I had anything to be sorry for until a minute ago. I sat down at the computer after dinner and wrote him a letter then I deleted the whole thing because some things need to be done in person. It was too late to go over, so I made my plan to see him the next night. What was it that Mark called it? 'Eating crow'? I would have the whole next day to work up my appetite for that meal. Pretend conversations played in my head all day with different responses from Andy. It was becoming a bit of an obsession, but thankfully, I was going to get it over with soon. These last couple of days had been bad enough for me. Despite my initial thoughts about relationships not being worth it, I really missed him. How had my life gotten so complicated? I stood on the doorstep of D41 waiting for them to answer it and tapping my foot. It was time to straighten this out. If Nathan was home, maybe Andy and I would have to go somewhere else to talk. It was going to be awkward enough without having an audience and I still wasn't sure if Nathan thought it was a date. Mark answered the door. He seemed surprised and pleased to see me. I guessed that he had been dealing with a grumpy roommate too. I wondered if I should recommend Jackie as someone to commiserate with. "Is Andy here?" "Sure, Megan. Come on in and I'll get him." I shifted my weight from foot to foot wondering what to do if Andy was still really mad. Andy came out of his room looking a little disheveled. "Megan?" "I hoped we could talk about things." "I'm really sorry," he began, "I shouldn't have gotten so upset." "I'm sorry too. I didn't think about how you would feel." "I don't want you to change for me, I'm sorry it seemed like I was asking you too." I almost laughed, this was not going the way I had expected at all. "I will try to be more careful in the future because I don't want to hurt you again." We had closed the gap between us now and were hugging for the first time in days. I laid my head on his shoulder and sighed contentedly. "I'm glad you came over," he said. "I missed you." "I missed you, too." Mark walked through the room at that moment, shrinking himself down as if to not be noticed. "Sorry, I have an appointment," he said as he passed through with his jacket in hand. Andy and I laughed. * * * Andy drove me to the airport the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I was almost dreading going home; partly because I would miss him, and partly because I knew the chaos that awaited me. Family chaos could be fun and I really wanted to see everyone. There were so many final preparations for the wedding that my family had decided to forgo the traditional Thanksgiving meal, lest we put Mom in the hospital. Dad was taking us all out for Chinese food instead. For my part, there was a list waiting for me of at least 20 things I needed to do before the reception on Saturday night. No doubt, there would be other things that came up too. It would be good to be home. I wished that Andy could meet all of my family. I gave Andy a quick kiss on the cheek and he hugged my shoulders because my arms where full with my carryon luggage: a bag of clothes, and the wedding present. I had looked all over for just the right picture for George and Lindsey. I had barely gotten it framed in time. Everyone should have a picture of Christ in their home and this one was my favorite. Andy had endured a lot of shopping the past couple of weeks with the wedding presents and the perfect shoes to match the bridesmaid dress. I liked shoe shopping about as much as I liked going to the oncologist but some things couldn't be avoided. At least with Andy along the shopping was tolerable. The flight seemed quick and it wasn't long before I was hugging Dad. As we drove home, I got the rundown of how everything was going. "I told your mom that if I sit down on one more wedding project, I am going to Uncle Carl's until things settle. Those corsage pins are pretty painful." "Oh, Dad!" "Don't laugh. You've escaped it all and don't think I haven't noticed. I feel like the captain sitting next to the mutineer." "I didn't mutiny and I haven't abandoned the ship. See, I came back to sink with it." "Okay, I guess you're right but if you suggest any last minute good ideas you're dead to me." "Have there been a lot of last minute ideas?" "You have no idea. I don't think your mother has slept an entire night in over a month." "Consider me your most loyal sailor. I will swab the deck, take orders, and have no good ideas." "That's my girl. I knew I could count on you." I laughed. "I'm not really sure it that's a compliment or not." His return smile added to my tally for the week. I had a goal to get at least one smile from every member of the family while I was home. I was beginning to think that my stressed out mom might be a hard egg to crack. "So how is school going?" It was PPI time. Dad was always good at getting those in whenever I visited. I gave him the run down on my classes and my grades. The questions about my social life for once had answers. I tried my best to explain Andy and our relationship, leaving the recent upset out of it. He was not satisfied with simple explanations and pumped me for details. "How long have you been dating? Is he respectful? What is his major? Is he a returned missionary? How did you meet? Does he have a car? Do you really like him? I'm not going to have to put up with another wedding this year, am I?" "Don't get so excited, Dad. I don't think you have to worry about anything. He is my first boyfriend, after all. But if you do have to plan for a wedding, I will give you plenty of notice so that you can move to Uncle Carl's where it is safe." "Good girl." A chilly breeze met my face as I climbed out of the car. Usually it was warmer this time of year. "I hope it warms up for the wedding. My dress has short sleeves. I assume we are doing outside photos?" "Don't assume anything at this point. I stopped trying to predict the actual events about two weeks ago." Dad grabbed my bags. "Let's go inside; Mom has a list for us, I'm sure." Thanksgiving went by in a blur, there almost wasn't time to miss Andy... almost. Braiding Kelly's long, beautiful hair was the first thing on my list for Friday morning. She was blessed not to have the fuzzy mess that I had inherited. Kelly's dress was a light pink with small burgundy roses all over it and I placed little pink roses in her hair after it was braided. Heated debate had ensued over how I should wear my hair but after an evening of playing with it, they'd reached a consensus. I could wear it any way I wanted, as long as I added some of the baby pink roses. Thankfully, I didn't have to try to wrestle my hair into an intricate braid, although if the goal was to make sure I looked silly so the bride would shine in comparison then that would be the way to go. I thought of my beautiful, blond, petite future sister in law and doubted she would need to resort to such tactics. Sure enough, when George and Lindsey exited the temple in the morning sunlight they were glowing. George looked really happy and I was so excited for him. They were met by a large group of people who wanted to give hugs and congratulations. Forcing my way to the front of the mob, I gave my big, grown-up brother a hug. I gave Lindsey a hug and welcomed her to the family. She was crying a little and George had tears in his eyes, too. They, of course, weren't the only ones; both Mom and Dad were starting to cry. Wow. Funny how much happiness a marriage can bring. I thought back over the few days that I had been fighting with Andy. It had felt so good to be with him again. I guess it only makes sense that knowing you never had to say goodbye would have this effect. The more I thought about it, the more I decided it would make anyone overwhelmingly happy to have such a blessing. My joy for George and Lindsey doubled. I watched their beaming faces and realized that I should have tried to get smiles from them before the wedding. I was never going to have a chance to create one now. Every smile they had over the next few days would be for each other. Oh, well, small price to pay, at least I got to see them so happy. The weather had warmed up so the pictures, although long, were not a problem. The happy couple ate lunch at a nearby restaurant with the two families and then they went off on their own while we finished preparations for the reception the next day. Most of the final work was just baking cookies and decorating the cultural hall the next morning. I put a batch of cookies in the oven and Dad made Mom take a nap. While the cookies were baking, I called Andy. "Hi, Megan. How did the wedding go?" "It was wonderful. They both seem so happy. How was your Thanksgiving?" "Crazy but good. Mark's family is a trip. We spent this morning making a snow fort." "Did you have a snowball fight?" "Not yet. Caleb has been making snowballs all afternoon. I think Mark and I are in trouble after dinner." "Sounds fun; wish I could be there." "I wish you could, too. I miss you." "Me, too. You should have seen me trying to get all the baby roses out of my hair and I get to do it all over again tomorrow." "I'm sure you looked beautiful. Did the twins behave themselves?" "Funny you should mention them, I haven't seen them much. I think they are maintaining a low profile at the moment so they don't get put to work." "Mark and I are planning on picking you up from the airport on our way back Sunday night. We'll be a little cramped in Mark's truck, is that okay?" I giggled, "Bummer; an excuse to snuggle." He laughed too, "Good point. This is a better plan than I'd realized." The timer for the cookies went off. "I have to go. There is still a lot to do. Take care." "You, too. Bye." I smiled as I hung up the phone. Things were going good with Andy. We hadn't used the "L" word but that made it a lot simpler. I wasn't sure that I felt that way yet, but I was starting to feel something. It wasn't the plan to get into a serious relationship this year but it wasn't a bad bonus. Luckily, I had been wrong about the whole ruined friendship thing. One reception down, and it was quick kisses and hugs goodbye at the airport. The reception had gone off without a hitch. The beautiful couple danced, visited with friends, and then left for their honeymoon with streamers trailing from their car. I was a little sad that I hadn't had a moment alone with George in all the chaos. I guess that was just the way things were, now that he was all grown up. I wondered about that and whether marriage was some final step in that process. But then there were plenty of grownups who weren't married. So what was it that made him seem different to me? The time had gone so fast that my head was spinning. I closed my eyes when the plane took off and thought about my PPI with Dad, which he'd finished on the way to the airport. I'd had to admit that I had gotten a little behind for a while with my school work but that I was all caught up now. He'd asked me about church. I talked to him a little about my calling and some of the things I was learning, like how my last visiting teaching appointment had resulted in a good gospel discussion. The Spirit had been really strong. Dad gave me the usual 'keep up the good work' and 'try a little' harder speeches where appropriate. The plane trip seemed long because I was sitting more than I had since I stepped off the plane in Phoenix. I closed my eyes and replayed the smiles I'd gathered. First, there had been Dad's on the way home from the airport but I had collected two others from him for helping Mom out. Mom had managed an exhausted but genuine smile towards the end of the reception. We were sitting at a table in a darker corner of the room. She'd kicked her heels off and was resting a bit. She wasn't up to grilling me for information about my life but was more in a reminiscing mood. By the time she'd recounted several George/Megan stories, she was smiling. Drew had given me a smile while we listened to music in his room. I think at the time, we were actually hiding from Mom. He has a pretty nice system and we each had on a big pairs of headphones, the kind that look like earmuffs. Matt's smile had come while we were playing basketball in the driveway. He was a very aggressive player. Though, I'd had lots of practice lately. Matt was more than willing to get in my way and knock me down if needed to get the ball. It was while he was helping me up off the ground that he smiled and said, "It's fun having you home." Kelly's smile was much easier than I'd expected. I'd gotten it the minute I walked in the door Wednesday night. She pushed her way through the crowd of family in the kitchen and jumped into my arms. There was such an age gap between us that we'd never been very close. Her welcome brought tears to my eyes and I gave her a proper Cole family style hug. The trip lagged on, and trying to sleep was not working. Andy and Mark would be waiting for me when I walked through the terminal and I could feel my excitement building. I felt like we had so much to catch up on and I couldn't wait to hear the results of that snowball fight. Chapter 9 We walked through the busy airport avoiding the crowd that waited for their luggage. Mark carried my only bag, as I walked with Andy's arm around my shoulders. It was dark and cold in the parking garage so we hurried to climb in the truck. "How long have you guys been waiting?" I asked, surprised at how cold the inside of the truck was. Mark laughed and looked over at Andy. "We've been here for a couple of hours. He was worried we wouldn't get here in time unless we left really early this morning." Andy looked sheepish, "I didn't want you to have to wait." Then he slapped Mark on the back of the head. "Thanks, friend." "Well, I'm glad to see you," I said, scooting over into Andy's side so that Mark could reach the stick shift. With the three of us in such a small space, it didn't take long for us to warm up. I got to hear all about the holiday at the Coles' house, complete with a blow by blow account of the snowball fight. Caleb had indeed been triumphant, with a little help from Brother Cole. Andy was relieved that Rebekah hadn't followed him around like a lost puppy, and a little disappointed too, if I judged his expression right. I knew from keeping in touch with Rebekah that she was settling down into her own social life now, and didn't need a crush on an out of reach guy. Listening to Andy and Mark tell stories back and forth was wonderful. They would stop and correct each other or just jump in adding a bit, as they went. Their friendship showed in every interaction they had. It felt homey. I laid my head on Andy's shoulder and just enjoyed the sound of their voices. * * * Back to school had me working on some end of the semester projects, one of which was a budget for a pretend business. I was having a hard time figuring in all the employee benefits. Andy, who had a better head for numbers than I did, was able to help with some of it, but he was really busy with his classes too. We managed to talk at least every day, but with finals approaching it would probably get worse before it got better. I had my nose in a text book when my phone rang. Andy was at the library researching a paper so it probably wasn't him. This was a number I recognized. It was Rebekah. Excitedly, I answered, "Hello?" "Megan? Hi, it's Rebekah." "Rebekah, what's up? I haven't talked to you in a long time. How are things going with Jeremy?" "Oh, okay I guess. He sits next to me in English now. Hey, listen. I am calling about Mark. Micah is in the hospital and Mark is really upset. Mom and Dad are concerned he will try to come home and get behind in his classes and at work." "I can imagine," I said, surprised he was still here. "Is Micah going to be okay? What's going on?" "The doctors say that he is responding to the antibiotics, but he will be in for a few more days. He has pneumonia." "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, that is why I am calling. Could you try to cheer Mark up? I told my parents you were the perfect one for the job. He is working tonight but he should be home around 7:30. We were supposed to call him but if you could get him out, maybe you could just give him the update." "Consider it done. I'll make sure that he relaxes a bit and that he stays here." "Thanks, Megan. How is your love life going?" "I don't know. I have been seeing Andy a lot." "Oh, he's cute," she said, her voice going up an octave in her excitement. "Yeah, he is. It's 6:30 already, I had better go. I have a lot to do. I'll be praying for Micah. Keep in touch, 'kay." "Okay, bye." What could we do on a Thursday night? Mark would probably be tired after working an 8 hour shift so anything energetic was out of the question. Time for the old standby. Remembering that I needed to think things through, I dialed Andy's number. It rang only once and I heard a whispered, "Megan, hi." "Sorry to bother you, Andy, but we have a mission of mercy. Do you want to go to a movie with Mark and me tonight?" "What? Mark's working." Then, with a hurt sound in his voice, he said, "you're taking him to the movies?" "I'm hoping that we're taking him to the movies." It was kind of sweet and a little silly for Andy to be jealous. I gave him the rundown of the conversation I'd had with Rebekah. I even told him that she'd said he was really cute, just to tease him. "Okay, pick me up in front of the law building at 7:45. I will try to get as much done here as I can." "Thanks, Andy, we'll be there." At 7:20, I parked myself on D41's front step and waited. About five minutes later Mark's truck pulled into the lot. Even in those five minutes, I had frozen through. It really wasn't much of a night for going out. He approached the apartment looking both cold and tired. He had his coat wrapped around his thin scrubs trying to keep the wind off. His head was down and his shoulders were hunched so he didn't see me until he was at his door. "Megan, what are you doing out here? It's freezing!" "I am kidnapping you. Go get changed we're going out." He was clearly taken aback. "That's really nice of you, but I am expecting a really important call. Maybe some other time." "Go get changed," I insisted, allowing him to pass in out of the cold. He left the door open so that I could follow him into the warm apartment. My face started to burn as it warmed up. It was a quiet tonight. Emily and John sat on the couch each with a book in their laps studying. "Rebekah called," I continued. "Micah is responding to the antibiotics. They think he will only be a couple of more days in the hospital." He sighed and it seemed as if his shoulders lowered several inches. I continued, "They won't be calling because they know that you are with me. Now go get ready." "But Megan, I am really tired and it's so cold. My truck barely warmed up on the way home." He was almost pouting, this was so unlike him. "Mark, if I don't take you out and get you to have some fun, Rebekah will be mad at me. Hurry up; we have to meet Andy in ten minutes." Sulking, he headed off to change. I sat down at the table to wait. Emily looked up from her book and asked, "Where are you guys going?" "Just to the movies, there's a new comedy at the dollar theater." "Sounds fun." Mark returned faster than I would have expected, layered in two shirts and a sweater. "Don't worry," I said, smirking at him, "I came prepared." I held up a large thermos filled with hot cocoa. "It helps to warm the insides too." I received a tired smile for my effort. It didn't quite light his whole face, but it warmed me, so I counted it. He held an arm up motioning toward the door, "Shall we?" Once we were in the truck with the heater trying to make a dent in the cold, I opened the thermos and handed him a cup. "Thanks, now what exactly are we doing?" "Something boring I'm afraid... movie. I figured you would be too tired for anything else." "Sounds perfect." His grumbling was starting to give way to his casual banter as he warmed up with the cocoa. "Sorry about Micah." "Yeah, poor kid can't catch much of a break. He was in for pneumonia when I was on my mission." "I bet that was hard," I said, stating the obvious. "I just worry that with all of his other challenges that he won't make it through, and..." he trailed off. "And you won't be there." I finished for him. "He's going to be okay, so deep breath. Let's go get Andy." "Okay." I gave him directions to where Andy said he would be. We pulled up just long enough to let him slide in next to me and close the door against the cold again. The blast of air that entered the truck when he opened the door was bone chilling. It really wasn't a good night to be out. I was squished in the middle with my legs to the right side so that Mark could still move the gearshift. Andy didn't seem to mind. He put his arm around me and cuddled me into his side. I wondered how long he'd been waiting for us. He needed to warm up and the cocoa would be just the thing, but I couldn't reach it. It would only be a few minutes to the theater. I could deal with his cold, slick winter jacket now raising the goose bumps on my arms. The movie was a total flop. I sat between the guys trying to keep them from throwing popcorn at each other like adolescents. I put up with the occasional kernel in my hair because the point of tonight was to get Mark out for a little fun. The smile on his face as he scored a cheap shot was definitely genuine, and he seemed more relaxed. Andy was trying to take the high road and watch the movie. At least, that's what I thought, until I felt him stick popcorn down Mark's sweater with the hand he had wrapped behind my shoulders. Did he seriously think I wouldn't notice? I felt a little bad for the person who had to sweep the theater after we left, but at least I was surrounded by grins. The two of them kicked at each other and shoved playfully all the way to the truck. Mark dropped us off at Andy's car on campus before heading home. You could just see the stress lifted from his face. I was glad that the evening had helped. I gave him a hug and thanked him for coming with us. "Anytime," he said, then threw one more piece of popcorn, he had just found in his sweater, at Andy. Despite being more relaxed and it getting late, I was sure his family would be getting a phone call from him tonight. Andy and I walked hand in hand to his car quickly because the wind was still bitter. He opened my door and then hurried around to get in and start up the heater. "That was fun tonight. We did a good thing," he said, leaning across the car and kissing my frozen, chapped cheek. The cocoa was still warm, so we took a few minutes to have some while the car warmed up. "Yeah, nothing like going to the movies with a couple of boys." I tried acting annoyed, but I couldn't help smiling. He just laughed. "You should have seen us as companions." "I hope that your mission apartment was still standing when you were transferred." "Mostly. Actually, we were a good team; we got a lot of work done." "That doesn't surprise me at all. You're still are a good team." "You and I make a really good team, too." He was looking into my eyes. I covered my mouth with my hand as a small giggle escaped. Why did I always loose it when things turned serious? "It seems that way," I said shyly. Okay, I was feeling stupid now. I wasn't good with this feelings stuff. "It was kind of fun cheering up Mark tonight. It was almost like being part of a family together. I bet you will make a great mom." Okay, how had we gotten to this? I wasn't expecting a serious discussion just now, not with popcorn in my hair. Gulping, I realized that for the first time in three years I needed to explain something important. It had never seemed that important before, but suddenly it was the most important thing I could say. It seemed only fair to tell him, as we were getting more serious. "Andy, I can't have children." There, I said it. That wasn't so bad. "What do you mean? How could you possibly know that?" He was shocked, but not horrified; that was good. "I had cancer." I decided to keep it simple. "After the surgery I had, I am sure that I can't have kids." I smiled weakly at him hoping that he would smile back. He didn't and I wished I knew what was going on behind those wide eyes. When Andy did speak, it was in a sputter, "That... must have been... hard for you." How thoughtful to think of me instead of how it might change things between us. I relaxed. It had been hard. Mostly the feelings of the 16 year old me had been excitement that my monthly menstruations had ended and then a feeling of being some kind of freak because they had. The surgery had been private and very few people knew. I really had never thought to be upset about the whole kid thing. That life had seemed so far away. Sitting here in the now too warm car, I was beginning to see what I was losing. Unbidden, a picture of a little boy with sandy hair and big green eyes that sparkled like the ones staring at me now, danced in my mind. "Yeah, it is... hard, sometimes," I admitted–like now. "Well, there is still adoption, Mark's adopted you know." "Yeah, I think he mentioned that once." He reached across and stroked my cheek. I yawned. It had been a long day. "I should take you home, it's getting late." The drive home was quiet. He didn't seem to want to talk about it. He walked me to my door and gave me a brief but sweet kiss on the lips. "I still need to work on that paper. I'll call you tomorrow if I can get it done." "Sorry to pull you away tonight. Good luck finishing it." I waved and walked in, feeling a little sick. Something just seemed off. I wasn't sure if it was my shock or that his eyes didn't sparkle when we said goodnight. * * * Andy didn't call. The hope that he was just working on his paper didn't erase the sinking feeling in my gut. I took solace in a girls' movie night. We made cookies and watched a couple of old Hitchcock films. I loved how suspenseful Hitchcock movies could get without getting too scary. There was enough scary in my life just now. Finals were looming in the near future and I had been wishing for some extra time to prepare. It seemed if things kept going the way they were with Andy, my wish might come true. Already it had been nearly two days and I still hadn't heard from him. Was it really about his paper or was he avoiding me? Saturday, I hit the books. When studying failed, I tried distracting myself with wrapping the few presents I had purchased or made for Christmas. Just last week I had worried about missing Andy too much when I went home for the holiday, but tonight it seemed like I couldn't get home fast enough. It was time to take a break from the whole adult thing for a while. I wanted to be a kid. There was loud conversation noise coming through the door when I woke up from an unexpected doze. I sat up, my hair all disheveled, and wiped the sleep from my eyes. Kristen and Melissa were returning with two other girls that I only knew by sight and four guys, one I recognized right away as Tony, Kristen's boyfriend. "I'll get the ice cream," Melissa said over her shoulder as she walked to the kitchen. "Hi, Megan." Kristen was heading for the cupboard for the bowls and spoons. I laughed to myself thinking of a similar situation in D41. We had been playing 'Sorry' and Andy had announced. "We have some ice cream, would you like some?" I had said yes and then he added, "You just need your own bowl and spoon." The guys' apartment was definitely not as well stocked as ours. "How was the concert?" "It was great. There was this one number..." Kristen began, but she was overtaken by everyone else trying to talk at once about the number in question. This dissolved into conversation that I really didn't understand so I excused myself and went to bed. * * * Our usual rides greeted us the next morning, if not with the usual smiles. I pasted a grin on my face and rode in Andy's car making small talk with the Jackie in the back seat. Andy was quiet most of the way. When we got there, I noticed that church was getting crowded. Looking around, I could see that we had picked up a few extra people who seemed to be attached to someone in the ward. There were quite a few rings as well. Of course, we were also losing people. John was the most noticeable absence. He was attending church in Emily's ward now. Andy had walked in with us, but had stopped to talk with a group of men in the hall. When he entered, he came over and sat in the vacant seat next to me and distractedly flipped through his manual. Despite the fact that I had been nervous for days, I was content not to disturb him. I wasn't ready for that conversation yet, so I turned to Nathan. "How are those mission papers coming?" "I have to wait until next semester but I'm starting the process." Nathan was hoping for somewhere exotic. I hoped that he would be happy where ever he went and it would probably be a good idea if it was some remote place that didn't get ESPN. Sacrament Meeting was starting. I reached over and took Andy's hand. It was a little sweaty, but I didn't care. They always kept the building so hot anyway. He pulled it away to grab the hymn book as the opening song began. That was reasonable, I told myself, no need to panic. I was too distracted to listen in church. The three hours seemed to be over in no time. Jackie and her friend, Alisha, who had sat beside me in Relief Society walked home with me. Andy had a meeting after church. Normally, I would wait for him, but things weren't normal just now. The girls seemed like a good excuse. "I'll see you later," I called. "I am going to walk home with Jackie and Alisha." He had waved me on as he was sitting down to his meeting. It was a bit chilly, but the wind wasn't as bad as it had been. The walk was only about a half mile, but it was a bit of a hike in heels, especially where the snow hadn't been cleared completely. Jackie seemed to keep warm by gushing about her favorite subject, boys. She had gone on a date with a guy named Carson. I enjoyed the distraction and it was very entertaining to hear what Jackie considered a proper date report. Not a detail was neglected. It never occurred to me to notice what aftershave the guy was wearing or if he wore a CTR ring on his right hand, but to Jackie the beauty was in the details. I walked through the door of my apartment and flopped on the couch with a huff. "What's up with you and Andy?" Jackie asked as she flopped down next to me. Other people were noticing. That was a bad sign. "I'm not sure; we've been out of contact for the last few days. I'm just giving him some space." I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was, I had thought of little else since of our conversation. I just wasn't in the habit of sharing that information. "You're handling it very well. If that were me, I would be so worried." Gee thanks, Jackie. "So are you going to go out with Carson again?" Changing the subject seemed like a good idea. "Oh, yes, if he calls me. I think he had fun. I had fun." All the certainty had left her voice and I sympathized. It was hard to wait around on someone else. "Well, if he is smart, he'll call because you are awesome!" I said with enthusiasm, then I escaped to my room to change. I'd considered hiding in my bedroom because I wasn't much for talking at the moment, but I was even more against being left with my thoughts. Emerging from my room in sweats, I hollered out, "Hey I'm going to make some cocoa. Want some?" "Sounds good," Jackie said, joining me. I carefully steered the conversation to classes and the upcoming finals. Jackie was especially fun to talk to right now because in preparation for her ASL final, she was signing as she spoke. Her hands and her expressions were animated as she talked about the teaching materials she was designing. I had seen a lot of poster boards and markers in her hands lately, but I hadn't really taken the time to notice what she was doing. "Hey, can I see them?" I asked. Her face lit up as she bounced down the hall. It was a little late in the day for counting my first smile, but I suspected it was going to be that kind of week. I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up with roommates. Melissa's final concert was scheduled for Friday night. Andy and I had made plans last week to go. Those plans seemed uncertain now. She was nervous which surprised me because she was so diligent about practicing and she had a lot of natural talent. Kristen was buried in homework and spending every free moment with Tony. It occurred to me that Melissa may just be feeling a little lonely. I had seen Kristen give her steady encouragement for so long, how had I missed its absence? Jackie received two phone calls that evening. Mark was the first and I couldn't imagine what he would be calling her about. Was it a date? I was pretty sure Mark was one of those guys who was having trouble adjusting after mission life, but maybe he was going to start dating. The idea seemed odd to me; I had never seen him on a date before. I felt a little silly hovering around the hallway waiting for her to come out of our room. I was desperate for any news from D41, and I didn't feel welcome there at the moment. Jackie opened the door and surprise spread across her face when she almost ran into me. I tried to make it look like I was just coming out of the bathroom. At least I hadn't put my ear to the door. "So what's up?" I asked trying to sound casual. "FHE stuff. Mark made arrangements for us to carol where he works tomorrow." "Oh, that sounds really great. I love caroling." Relieved was an understatement. I couldn't deal with more things changing right now. With Andy giving me the cold shoulder, it was as if my world was upside down. Mark dating would just be too weird. Chapter 10 Monday night, we all got on our festive clothes and headed to the parking lot. Andy sometimes came to FHE with me, but I doubted he would be there tonight. I climbed into one of the waiting cars, excited for the activity. Melissa was bringing her flute. Holiday music was always a favorite of mine and I couldn't wait to hear the performance. I was a little embarrassed when Mark walked over to the car and requested that I ride with him instead. Ignoring the giggles, I crossed my fingers that he would have some news on the Andy front and climbed out of the car. We were just pulling out of the parking lot, when he turned to me. "What is going on with you and Andy? I know I'm being nosy, but I have to know. He has been walking around in a fog for days." He was being nosy, but after the initial frustration, I turned to him again as an ally. Maybe together we could figure this thing out. "He didn't tell you?" "No. First, you guys seemed happy and to hear Andy talk, you were getting serious. Then out of the blue he isn't himself and you guys are barely even talking." He shook his head and I felt fresh guilt for causing Andy and apparently Mark pain. "Did you break up with him?" "I don't think so. He stopped talking to me before I could figure it out. It isn't looking good though." I said in my smallest voice feeling dejected, as I admitted the almost certain truth. Mark's tone became softer and he probed, "What happened?" "I told him about my cancer." "Why should that matter?" "There is more than I told you before; I can't have kids." I looked at him and he seemed to freeze in place but only for a second. "And?" "What do you mean 'and?' It's a lot for him to deal with." I defended. "I'm sorry, Megan. I just meant..." He shook his head in frustration. "So what are you going to do?" "Give him some more time, I guess. But it's driving me crazy! I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I wish he would just get it over with." I was starting to cry. "Can we change the subject, please?" Mark pulled the car over to the side of the road and drew me into a hug. After a moment, I wiggled free. I didn't need to have a breakdown now. I needed to be cheerful for the caroling. I wiped my eyes and asked about Christmas at the Cole's. Mark drove the rest of the way to the hospital talking about his Christmas plans. The snow fort had survived and he was hoping for a rematch. I had wiped my face and was smiling, thanks to the images Mark painted of his eventual take down of his younger brothers. * * * The hospital where Mark worked was a good sized place. We followed him in, huddling a bit together for warmth and also because it was unfamiliar. Mark, of course, walked in as if he owned the place and led us directly to the dining hall where we would be singing. A small crowd of residents were already sitting there waiting for us. Even more were coming in as we arrived. I looked over the group, noticing the ones in wheelchairs especially. Most seemed to have one foot rest up or even both and I pictured their stocking feet helping to propel them along. I looked them in the eyes and smiled. I was glad I had come despite my outburst of feeling. Maybe this was what I needed. Mark took in the faces as well and a few of them lit up when they saw him. He left us standing around in our group and walked forward to talk to a few. Carefully, he moved someone's foot out of the way so that he could lower the footrest of their chair. He readjusted blanket throws over a couple of people and even got a hug from a lady that looked a little like my grandma. A couple braver members of our group followed Mark's lead and began to shake hands with the residents and exchange hellos. I hesitated, too engrossed in watching the scene to move. Turning back to scan our group, Mark's eyes fell on me. He motioned me forward with his hand and I walked to him. Mark pulled me by the arm and led me out of the room. "There are a few residents missing. Come help me." "Okay," I said following after him. I knew he was just trying to distract me, but I let him. "Now Mr. Wallace is a little cranky, but he likes pretty girls, so I will let you get him." I gulped and remembered the experience I'd had when I was a Beehive. Being yelled at by an elderly lady at a nursing home is hard to forget. I wasn't sure what I had done. The staff told me that she was just lonely and not to take it personally. Still, it had scared me. Mark stopped at a doorway, "Mr. Wallace? This is Megan. She wants to take you to the dining hall for some music, okay." Mr. Wallace was a tall man dressed in brown pants and a button up green shirt. I was surprised to see that he was also wearing dress type shoes and a belt. He looked as if he could have walked in off the street. I wondered why he was in a care facility instead of his home. He turned from the window where he was standing and his sour expression changed as soon as he saw Mark. His fondness for Mark was obvious. "What are you doing here boy? Wasn't expecting you 'til tomorrow." "I'm here with some friends tonight," Mark said as he walked forward and pulled out the wheelchair from the corner of the room. "This is my friend, Megan." Mr. Wallace's eyes appraised me, "Pretty little thing." He remarked. I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a smirk when Mark added, "She's feisty too. You behave okay." Mr. Wallace waved his hand in a calming motion at Mark and sat in the wheelchair. "He's all yours," he said turning back to me. "I'm going to go and pick up Mrs. Smith. I'll meet you back in the dining hall. You can find your way, right?" "No problem," I said, stepping forward. "Hello, Mr. Wallace. Are you ready for some music?" "Again? Blasted carolers! The place is packed with 'em this time of year. Don't none of them come back to visit when things are really boring around here." I winced at his candor. I could imagine how many groups did pass through these halls at Christmas time. "Well," I said brightly, "We probably won't be the last carolers this Christmas. Still, Christmas music is really beautiful." He huffed, "Wouldn't even bother if it weren't my Marky." It was hard not to laugh at the nickname. "Well maybe you'll enjoy it." I wheeled him into the dining hall. The room was pretty full now, but he pointed me to the place he wanted next to the piano. Our performance was average, but it was fun to sing the familiar songs. Caught up in the moment, I felt happy doing some service. Not everyone felt the way Mr. Wallace did; it appeared that most of the crowd was enjoying themselves. Some were mouthing the words along with us as we sang. There was even one lady leading us with gusto like a choir director from her seat in the back. The highlight of the evening was when our pianist, and Melissa performed "Silent Night." There were several people in the audience with tears in their eyes and surprisingly, Mr. Wallace was one of them. During the song, Mark wandered over and crouched down, resting his hand on Mr. Wallace's. It was touching; service was definitely good for the soul. I decided that I would make an effort to visit Mr. Wallace in January, 'when life was boring around here.' Tuesday night, I just couldn't wait any more. Enough time had passed and well, I just needed to know what was happening. I walked over to D41, armed with cookies. Nathan answered the door, greeted me, and then went back to his game; wait no, he was reading. "Cookies?" I offered. "You're studying?" I said, as he loaded his hand up with three cookies from the plate. "Yeah, final tomorrow, thanks," he said, gesturing with the cookies in his hand and talking with his mouth full. "Sure. Is Andy here?" He responded by getting up and walking the few feet to knock on the bedroom door. Mark stuck his head out and I heard him tell Andy that I was here. "Cookies?" Mark walked out into the living room and I held the plate up for him. "Andy will be right out, he is changing." "How is Mr. Wallace?" He laughed, "Well, he survived us. Asked about you today." "Really?" I was going to inquire more, but Andy came out and I was reminded of my purpose. There was a tentative smile on his face. Nathan and Mark seemed to take some unspoken cue to retreat. Alone in the living room, I held up the plate of cookies and he shook his head politely. I sat on the couch and patted the seat next to me. "Okay, what is up? It feels like you have been avoiding me. Did I do something?" I blurted out, hoping that it was something that could be smoothed over and easily fixed. He sat down beside me and put his face in his hands. I waited several minutes wondering what I should say. Finally he spoke, "It's not you. I'm just a jerk." "What are you talking about?" Maybe it wasn't what I thought. How could he possibly feel like a jerk? He was one of the nicest people I knew. He paused again, as if trying to order his words. "The other night when we were talking..." He didn't have to tell me what night that was, it had been in my thoughts for days. "I... I thought I could get past it, you know?" He looked up at me for the first time, looking for some kind of answer that I didn't know how to give. "I just can't, I've tried... I like you so..." He trailed off shaking his head. I followed the thought to the logical conclusion, "But it's not enough." I thought of that green eyed child I had pictured and knew that he should have that chance. "It's okay," I said bravely. "I understand." And in that moment, I did. I stood quickly and went to leave before I could cry. After that moment of understanding, I felt completely worthless. "Don't worry about it, Andy." I said patting his shoulder. I opened the door, trying hard to resist the urge to run. He called after me to wait, but I had to leave before I said something I would regret. I wiped tears from my cheeks and headed for the farthest point I could get. It was dark so my options were limited. I set my sights on the snow pile at the end of the parking lot. I was hurt and I wanted to be alone but there was something else building too – anger. I kicked at the snow bank and fumed. "How could he treat me like that? Am I like some kind of leper just because I'm not perfect? He's right, he is a jerk!" A couple walked by and looked at me oddly from across the road. I stopped long enough for them to be out of earshot, and then I started kicking again. It really didn't make me feel any better, but I wasn't ready to face my roommates or anyone else just yet. I walked to the laundry room hoping that the Tuesday night before finals would not be a popular time for laundry. Luckily, there were a few loads going, but no one was there. At least it would be a warm place to pull myself together before I went home. I shook my head at that word 'home' because tonight it felt like home was miles away. * * * The next morning, most of the anger was gone, but the hurt remained. It wasn't as if I couldn't see his side of things. Whatever made me think I could have a normal life? Of course, no one would want me. At the moment, I didn't want me much either. This stupid body had betrayed me. What had been the point of surviving in the first place? All those months of enduring, for this? I knew now that no one would ever want me. I just wanted to run away. My goal now was to get through finals and get home as soon as possible. My concentration was lacking as I tried to study. Hopefully, I could keep it together long enough to pass my classes, though I wasn't sure it mattered anymore. I longed to be home. If there had been any enthusiasm left in me, I could have counted the days until Christmas the way I did as a kid, with a colorful paper chain. Instead, I turned my alarm off each morning with a sigh and a reminder to myself that I was one day closer. The week was long, but at last, I was on the plane flying away from this ruin and toward home. I had managed to avoid Andy all week except for one time. The exchange had been awkward. "Do you still need me to drive you to the airport?" he had asked, looking at his feet. "No, I've made other arrangements, thanks." Those other arrangements had me scrambling for a couple of days. I had finally called Christy, one of my visiting teachers, and asked for her help. I just couldn't face anymore explanations. My roommates were already looking at me with pity, as the news spread. She had called me back in two hours with a ride. Someone she knew was flying out on that day. I just needed to go about four hours early. I was so grateful to her for the help. "How are you?" Andy had asked, daring to look at my face. I bit back an icy remark and forced a smile, "I'm fine, and you?" "Surviving." So he was feeling a little bad; good, he should be. I said a silent prayer, willing the bitter feelings to go away. I wasn't completely over the anger, I guess. Instant answers did not appear. I turned and walked off. But now I was going home, for Christmas, my favorite holiday. Surely, Mom would have me helping with the baking before the day was out. There was always the last minute shopping and decorating. With any luck, I could just absorb all that good family time to fortify me against the chill I was feeling now. I was not disappointed. Sure enough, Mom had me deep in holiday activities two hours after I walked in the front door. As the hour grew late, all my siblings gathered around the TV for a movie. I was scrunched in between Matt and Drew. As I tried to make a long popcorn string, the big bowl in my lap was occasionally invaded by the twins. They seemed to be eating mostly out of habit because they would cringe at its bland taste as soon as it hit their mouth. Kelly jumped around the room excited for the festivities, it was a little reminiscent of Jackie and I smiled. The twins grumbled a few times as she got in the way of what they were watching. It took a while, but I finally noticed that Mom and Dad were missing from this scene of family togetherness. I pushed the popcorn bowl at Drew and stood up, careful not to crush my popcorn chain I found them in the dining room drinking a cup of cocoa and talking quietly to each other. I started to back out of the room, but they welcomed me in and Mom stood to get more cocoa. I sat across from Dad and he looked into my eyes and shook his head with a sigh that sounded like a laugh. "You're getting old, kid. You look so tired." "It has been a long day," a long couple of weeks actually. "So let's get the lowdown," Dad had placed his elbows on the table and was leaning forward. He meant business; this would be my PPI for this trip. "How are classes going? What grades are you expecting this semester?" My grades weren't going to be as stellar as I had hoped. I was pretty sure that I had bombed one of my finals because I was out of it. "Not too bad, I guess. I really liked my recreation classes and my D&C class was interesting. I think my finance class is going to be at least a B, which I'm happy with. Plus, my checkbook has never been so organized." "Good, honey," Mom said, handing me my cocoa. "What about guys? You talked so much about Andy we half expected you to bring him home for Christmas." I winced. I hadn't thought this through. Alone time with my parents was a bad idea. "Mom, it isn't like that. We decided to see other people, it just wasn't working out." This was all the detail I could supply. I was suddenly feeling as tired as Dad said I looked. Eventually the whole story would come out, just not tonight. "How's work?" Dad took back the questioning, giving Mom a sideways glance to make sure she was done. I was grateful that he wasn't inclined to pry any deeper on the Andy front. "Work's good. I like the simple 'get in and get it done' work. It's not as exciting as teaching swim lessons, but I'm happy with it." Dad smiled at this. He had been on his college swim team and had taught us all very early. I grew up in the backyard pool and when I was old enough, giving swim lessons was the perfect summer job. Life guarding was a bit boring, but at least I was poolside. "Are you getting to the temple?" "I only went twice this semester, my ward arranged dates to go, so I went on their schedule." "Are you happy?" This question was unexpected. Usually, I got a lecture at this point encouraging me to 'Lengthen my Stride' and 'Endure to the End'. How could I answer this question? It would hurt my parents to know that right now I was a scared little kid who just wanted to curl up in her bed and have Mom read her a bedtime story. They were expecting an almost adult and if I had ever been that, it had crumbled away before I could stop it. "I'm really happy to be home," I said cautiously. "I've been looking forward to Christmas with my family for a long time now." "Hmm." Dad wasn't completely oblivious to the fact that I hadn't really answered his question, but he didn't act as if he was going to press it. Warmed by the cocoa and my parents' love, I continued on with a blissful run down of everything I wanted to do while I was here. Distraction was good. "We have to go the see the lights at the temple. I really want to go caroling with the youth. Have they already done that? We are making Christmas cookies, right Mom? Do you think I can help with the Turkey this year? I need the practice. Do you have any wrapping left to do, I love helping with that?" Mom made a calming gesture with her hand and reached for her to do list. "Christmas is only five days away, Megan, I am not sure we can get to everything. You missed the youth caroling on Wednesday. We saved the temple lights for tomorrow because we wanted you with us. George and Lindsey are meeting us there at 7:00. Christmas cookies are Monday and we are delivering them for Family Home Evening. Some of the Kelly's presents still need wrapping. The twins' presents are all wrapped because they peek. We are having the Missionaries over for dinner on Christmas Eve so we are doing the turkey then. Everything is on the calendar if you have any questions. That reminds me; Spencer's parents invited you to their New Year's Party. You should RSVP tomorrow if you are going to go." I made a mental note to decline the invitation; not being in much of a party mood. I owed Spencer a letter too, but not tonight. After finishing my cocoa, I washed the cup and went straight to bed. This way I could avoid further interrogation from Mom and Dad. It was about a half an hour later when I heard the sounds of everyone else turning in for the night. The bathroom door opening and closing several times as my siblings got ready for bed, was such a familiar sound and it made me feel safe. Chapter 11 The next morning, I looked around my old room wondering how it had managed to get messy so quickly. My suitcase was on the floor next to my bed, its contents scattered about. To be fair, the mess wasn't entirely mine nor was the room anymore. Mom's sewing projects took up the majority of the space leaving me with just a mattress and box spring sitting on the floor and a small table with a lamp next to the bed. I was curious so I lifted the quilted tablecloth and was not at all surprised to find the table was stacked food storage. There was something so comforting in knowing that even though my room was no longer mine, I could still predict my mom enough to know a silly little detail like there being food storage masquerading as a bedside table. Since my suitcase was disheveled anyway, I took the opportunity to dig out the presents for everyone that I'd brought home with me. Still in my pajamas, I carried them out to the tree. Kelly was right there with me as soon as she saw presents. "Which one is mine?" "The one with the teddy bear wrapping." "Oh, can I see? Am I going to like it? Can I shake it?" "Here, have at it. I'm going to take a shower." I tossed the small gift into her lap and she gave me the first smile of the new week. I kissed the top of her head as I left. * * * By evening time, I'd relaxed a little. Much of my day had been me worrying about being alone with either of my parents. My emotions were still so jumbled and I didn't want to have to explain or worry them with tears. It helped that Mom was going to be teaching in Relief Society, so her mind was elsewhere. I sat in between the Drew and Kelly during Sacrament Meeting. Each of them scooted in so close that I almost didn't have room to move my arms. I remembered how my brothers and I had taken turns with Kelly in the hall when she was little. There were days we'd fought over who got to take her out. Now we were all sitting, practically grown up. I could feel the call for a more chaotic but simpler time. Back then, I had never worried if I was enough; had never felt so out of touch with my dreams. * * * Dinner was simple, simple and a little tasteless. I was doing the cooking. No one complained as they ate the homemade chicken soup, but no one asked for seconds either. I was reminded of how delicious Andy's soup had been. These thoughts were not helpful or wanted. Moping would just be wasting the valuable time I had with my family. I pasted on a smile and distracted myself by doing the dishes. When dinner was all cleaned up, we drove to the Mesa, Arizona temple. The lights display was always one of my favorite parts of Christmas. Live music filled the air, as did the scent of the oranges that hung in the trees along the path. We were to meet George and Lindsey at the front of the visitors' center. I was anxious to see George and get a hug from my big brother. They were there, just as we'd planned, but not quite as I'd pictured. Together they were bundled up in their heavy jackets against the balmy Arizona night. Their heads leaning together as they talked in whispers. They were so close, it was hard to tell where George stopped and Lindsey began. So much for the open arms of my big brother. I watched the two of them as we wondered around the grounds. They never let go of each other. It was as if super glue had been applied to their arms and hands. The more I watched, the harder it became to be around them. This was something I would never have. My failed relationship with Andy had finally driven home to me just what I had lost all those years ago. I felt myself getting grumpy and I looked up at the stars trying to keep my eyes from overflowing. When the family went to view a film in the visitors' center, I made an excuse and escaped. I was making my way past the nativity, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. "What's wrong, Snapper?" I knew instantly who it was without even looking. Dad had given me that nickname when I was very small because he said I swam like a fish. It had taken him days before he'd settled on which fish name he was going to use. We had gone through flounder, grouper, and marlin. The name had stuck for a few years, but it had been ages since he'd used it. I didn't answer right away. I just stared at the shepherd in the nearly life size scene. He had a lamb across his shoulders and he looked so peaceful. I missed feeling that calm and happy. Dad didn't let me off. "Come on, talk to me. I know something is going on with you." This was so not the place I wanted to be having this conversation nor was it a conversation I was ready to have. Instead, I posed a question. "Dad, what do you think that shepherd is thinking?" "Well, I've never really thought about it before. Let's see..." He studied the figure for a moment. "I think he's feeling joy and contentment. Don't you think the Savior would radiate those types of feelings, even as a baby?" "I guess." "What do you think he is feeling?" "Restful, like some big burden has been lifted." "That works too. The Savior can carry our burdens for us." "But how?" "Because of the atonement." "Yes, but how do we give him our burdens?" "That can be tricky. Sincere prayer and pleading is probably the biggest part of it, but we also have to let go. It took me years to figure out how to give some things to Him. I liked being in control and doing it all myself." A new musical number began behind us and I turned my attention away from the shepherd. What Dad said hadn't been very helpful. Was that because I was like him, and insisted on doing things myself? That just made one more thing about me that wasn't right. Life was getting worse by the day, how would I make it to the New Year? We ended the night with Mom's famous candy bar cake. It was so rich that most of us couldn't eat more than half a piece. I say most because it was George's favorite. He ate the rest of Lindsey's piece and asked for seconds. We sat around the tree and sang carols while Drew played piano for us. Matt built a fire in the fireplace that would probably last all night. Kelly fell asleep with her head in my lap. I loved the warmth of all the family together. I basked in the fuzzy warm memory without paying too much attention to any one thing. The more details I noticed the more my brain worked and my brain was not my best friend at the moment. This strategy worked for most of the night, until George and Lindsey got up to go home. They were so sickeningly cute about helping each other on with their coats. It wasn't even cold outside. I couldn't stand the way George checked Lindsey's zipper to make sure she wouldn't catch cold. I said a quick goodnight to them and walked Kelly to her bed. * * * The inevitable conversation with Mom came, it just took a little longer than I'd expected. New Year's Eve morning while I was helping with the breakfast dishes, she said, "I'm disappointed that you chose not to go the Waters' party. They are really missing Spencer and having you there would mean so much to them." "I know. I'm just not really in a party mood." "What is going on with you? You haven't been your usual perky self." "Just thinking, I guess." She didn't buy it. The look of disbelief on her face was almost funny. I choked back a laugh. "Megan, you can talk to me about anything. You know that, right? Are you feeling okay? Do you need to see a doctor?" She paused to place a wet hand on my forehead. "Mom, I'm not sick." "Is it Andy?" I sighed. I may as well come clean. "Sort of, but not really. I mean it was at the start, but I can't help thinking, you know?" Now she looked puzzled. She grabbed the towel from my hands and led me to her bedroom at the back of the long hallway. I'd had many talks with Mom lying across her bed. The familiar surroundings and the fact that we wouldn't be overheard or interrupted untied my tongue. "I liked Andy. Things were going pretty well. Things were getting serious enough, at least, that I realized he needed to know about my surgery." I paused as a small oh, formed on Mom's lips. "Didn't go so well?" "Well, he was nice about it, then he got all weird. After a few days, I couldn't take it anymore so we talked. And well you know the rest." "Oh, honey. I am so sorry. But you can't get discouraged. He just wasn't the right one. You'll get someone better. Just be patient." I know that she was trying to comfort me, but the words seemed trite and completely unhelpful. "Don't you see Mom? It doesn't matter. Anyone I love enough to marry, I would love enough not to doom them to my burden. It's over, there is no happy ending. The weird thing is that I never saw it coming. In all these years, I have never worried about the whole kid thing. In that one small conversation, it feels like my world crashed down around me. I don't know how to go on. Motherhood is not for me and I realize now neither is marriage." I sobbed into the bedspread. "Wait, Megan. Slow down. You are getting carried away. There are all kinds of options for you. Surely, there are lots of wonderful guys out there who would love you and make a wonderful life with you regardless. You need to give people a chance. And there is adoption, remember. You can have everything you want. Just give it time and put it in the Lord's hands." I smiled at her for reassurance, but I knew she was wrong. Some people just weren't meant to 'have it all'. I didn't know how to describe what I felt when I pictured that green eyed boy. No one should have to give that up for me. I cried harder and she let me cry for a long time without saying anything. It felt hopeless like nothing would ever be okay again. I managed to stop... eventually. Tired and feeling guilty that I couldn't give Mom the happy ending that she wanted for me, I stood. "Mom, I'm going to go caught a nap. Maybe I will stop by the Waters' tonight for a little while." It was a small consolation, but it cheered Mom. She sent me on my way, telling me she would keep Kelly out of my room for a couple of hours. When I woke, everyone was gone. I walked through the empty house looking around all the rooms full of memories. I felt strange. When I looked in the family room, I remembered the roughhousing with George that had turned bloody. We were wrestling when I fell over the back of the couch and split my chin on the floor. I reached up to feel the faint scar. Why was I feeling so homesick? Being with my family had been nice, but school was calling to me. Which home was real? It didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere anymore. My family put me on the plane the next day with the usual hugs and goodbye wishes. Then Dad leaned in and whispered, "I'll be calling to check in on you next week." I sighed. Dad apparently was going to be keep regular tabs on me. Mom must have filled him in on our little talk. I hugged him again and wanted so much to give him reassurances, but they would be empty. Instead, I nodded my head and said goodbye. * * * That first week back at school was hard. When I got Spencer's smile total for the week, I realized that I had failed to collect any. This was my first time in years of doing this that I had to write zero in my journal. I didn't really care as much as I expected myself to. Smiles were just not the highest priority at the moment. The trouble was, that I couldn't really figure out what the priority was. My homesickness wasn't eased by being back at school. Was there anything that would soothe my troubled heart? I truly felt lost and unable to find my way. The impulses that I have always had to ease any feelings of sadness seemed useless against all the doubt in my life. Living in close quarters with other people, when you are struggling just to stay afloat, has some real problems. Jackie was the worst because we shared a room. She was my audience for every sniffle and every sigh. She tried several times to talk to me about Andy because, as she put it, talking it out would help me deal with it. She didn't know what was really bothering me and I wasn't ready for the pity, so I didn't tell her. My initial reaction was to tell her to back off, but I managed to keep my words civil if still icy. Kristen also seemed concerned by my glum mood, but she was so busy with life that, thankfully, her attempts were only halfhearted. Melissa tried to talk to me almost as much as Jackie, but I was able to turn the conversation easy enough and then escape. Over the next few weeks, avoiding people became a way of life. I spent as much time alone as I could. Ducking Jackie's and Melissa's attempts to talk consumed much of my time. I began 'studying' at the library because Jackie couldn't find me there. My books sat on the table unopened. Mostly, I was just getting really good at solitaire on my laptop. I could see my life stretching out long and lonely in front of me. School was not as much of a distraction from my pain, as I would have hoped. I just couldn't get into the swing of this new semester. Not even biology, a favorite subject from high school, could rouse my attention. I didn't understand this. It should have made sense that school would be more important. It was all I had now. Everything seemed dull and colorless. Perhaps, it was just the grey winter weather. Church had gone from uncomfortable to nearly unbearable. At first, the whispers and avoiding Andy had taken so much of my attention. Now, everywhere I turned there was no place for me. I began to wonder where I fit in a church that believed so strongly in families. I was only going to church now because everyone else was. If I stopped, it would be very obvious and I didn't need any more attention. It seemed logical that Heavenly Father had turned away from me. My life was in ruins. Maybe I should go home, but what would that solve? Then I would be even more of a loser. I couldn't become more of a burden to my family. Dad's calls were harder to ignore than my roommates. When I didn't answer, he texted me. Seriously, Dad never texted, so I knew I couldn't keep putting him off. "Hi Dad," "How are things going, Megan?" "About the same. How are you guys? Did Kelly have another recital yet?" "We can talk about Kelly some other time. I want to hear about you." "Really Dad, I don't know what to tell you. School's going okay and work is work. In fact, I need to head off to class now. Love you, bye." I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. Nothing that anyone said could make it better so I just wanted to not talk about it and forget. My Dad and roommates weren't the only one's checking up on me. Christy, one of my visiting teachers, called or came by at least once a week to see how things were going. I tried to be polite and cheerful when she did, but it was hard to put the brave face on for too long. It was nice that she was trying, but the last thing I needed was a visiting teacher digging for my secrets and then spreading them around the ward. My uncharitable thoughts about her disappeared one day when she stopped me, as I was walking into my apartment. I invited her in, hoping that the place would be full of roommates she could talk to instead of me. To my dismay, we were all alone. "Megan, I can't stop thinking about you." "I'm okay, you don't need to worry." "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. I understand. I just want to tell you that I know Heavenly Father loves you." "That's a nice thought. Thanks," I said, forcing a smile. "Megan, I'm not telling you this because we have learned it in church since we were sunbeams." She paused trying to find the words that she wanted to say, "I know He loves you because he keeps reminding me that He loves you." I looked up quickly at her and then back down in my lap, trying to avoid the tears in her eyes. "Thanks, Christy," I said quietly. "But I'm not getting the same message right now." How could she know that I was completely unlovable? "Then you aren't listening to the right messenger." She stood and excused herself before I could argue. Tears were forming in my eyes, but she couldn't be right. I had the evidence concealed right here in my damaged body. I sat at the table and opened my biology book. I would not dwell on this. It was too painful. * * * "Mark asked about you again," Kristen said when she got home from class. I was avoiding everyone at the moment, but especially my friends from D41. It was just too hard to fake enthusiasm and a smile. Mark was still trying to be my friend. I had no idea why. Surely, he knew the truth, if anyone did. I was not very friendly just now, but then Mark was just good like that. Maybe I reminded him of old Mr. Wallace; all prickles, but with a hidden soft spot. He'd have to dig pretty deep to find that soft spot now. Thinking of Mr. Wallace, reminded me that I had made myself a promise. Unlovable I may be, but I didn't have to be useless. I could keep a promise, even to myself. Tomorrow, I would visit Mr. Wallace. Not that my visit would mean much to him, but promises are promises. The next afternoon, I walked down into town from campus. It was mid-February and my bike was covered in snow. It was too icy for biking anyway. The sidewalks were pretty clear and there was no wind so the walk was pleasant enough. I reached the hospital, hoping that my unannounced visit would be okay. I wasn't sure what the procedures were. It took me a minute to wipe all the snow off my feet before I went to the reception counter. "I would like to see Mr. Wallace please." There was a slight hesitation by the woman behind the desk who was dressed in a business jacket. "Are you family?" "No, I'm kind of a friend. I just wanted to say hi." It sounded lame coming out, but I had no other excuse. "Okay, you can go on back to his room. Do you know the way?" "Yes. Thank you." I followed the hall around to the dining room. I could remember the path from there. I knocked on the open door and stepped inside. "Mr. Wallace?" He was sitting on the edge of his bed completely dressed down to his shoes again. His hair, or what was left of it, was neatly combed. He was looking out the window again. This time, I could see that it was to an inner courtyard where some birds were playing. "What?" He looked up, "Who are you?" I searched for what to say. "I'm Mark's friend, Megan. We met not too long ago." "Marky's friend? Oh, okay. What do you want?" "I thought I would come and visit for a while." "Well, it's still a free country. Sit down if you want." His head gestured to the chair and then his eyes went back to the window. I sat and then looked out the window too. "I'm surprised that there are still birds here. It is pretty cold outside." "Really, I wouldn't know." He said sourly. His face was always drawn down in a twisted frown and I knew enough now not to take it personally. "I guess it gets kind of boring in here. Do you get many visitors?" Despite its seeming impossibility, his frown deepened. "So, what? You came here to depress me kid? Thanks, but I've got all I can use. Why don't you go?" I sat a moment longer trying to retrieve the situation. Seeing a black and white picture on the wall, I commented, "Is that your wife?" The picture was of a tall man and a small woman with curly, dark hair. They were arm in arm and smiling. It was strange to see this young Mr. Wallace smiling. "Yep." "She's pretty." "She's dead and I don't need chit chat or pity. Weren't you leaving?" I gave up and left the room feeling like a failure. Well, at least I had tried. But could one grump cheer another? "Megan?" a voice called, as I walked slowly down the hallway. I turned to see Mark. I had forgotten that it was his day to work. Great, I wasn't in the mood for chit chat either, at least not with someone who knew me. "Oh, hi," I said with little enthusiasm. "What are you doing here?" "I came to visit Mr. Wallace. It was a bad idea. I think I made him upset." "Mr. Wallace? Well, I'll check on him, but he's always that way. Don't worry." He searched my face. "It was nice of you to come. He never gets visitors." I can see why, I thought, but said "No problem." "I would give you a ride home, but I have to work for another two hours. Will you be okay?" "It's nice out today. I don't mind the walk." I waved before he could get any closer and left. I replayed the conversation with Mr. Wallace in my head the whole way home looking for any way that it could have turned out better. There was just no way of knowing if different topics would have helped. I hardly knew the man. Then I corrected the thought, I didn't know the man. At that moment, a thought occurred to me. I might not know him, but I could understand him. Wasn't I doing the same thing to everyone in my life? Laughing, I thought about how much I had in common with that prickly, old man. My future was staring me in the face and it was lonely. The thought should have frightened me, but instead I felt a strange triumph. This was part of the reason for my pain and I was justified in feeling it. Pushing everyone away was a normal reaction. I wasn't broken, in that, at least. My mind circled around the possibilities for a future without the complications of relationships. In time, might I rid myself of all of them and not have to feel the pain of others' pity and worry? I remembered the sight of Mr. Wallace crying and Mark next to him holding his hand. Marky, he called him. Even Mr. Wallace had a friend. I thought of the picture of Mr. Wallace smiling with his arms around his wife. It felt like a betrayal in a way, he'd had a family and I never would. Pain seared new in my chest. Tears filled my eyes and I hurt all over. Just putting one foot in front of the other, I walked through the streets heading in the general direction of my apartment. I felt more alone than ever. Before I'd gotten too far the wind began to blow. It seemed to blow right through me as if I wasn't there. I cried myself to sleep that night, but quietly so as I could so that I wouldn't wake up Jackie. In the morning, my head hurt. Lying in bed for a time, I tried to find the will to get up. The light of the sun shone in the window and landed on my face. Blinking, I realized that I had overslept. I was late to work. I jumped up, wincing at the pain in my head, dressed, and ran out the door. My daily tasks were the only things I could still do. Those tasks were all that I had managed to keep in this shattered life of mine. Now in my despair, I had ruined even that. I sighed, half running to work through the ice and snow. Despair was a useless emotion. I seemed to get nowhere dwelling on my pain. Life just kept getting worse and worse. I was done with it; done with the sideways looks from my roommates, done with the whispered conversations that stopped when I entered the room, done with being useless, just done with all the pain. Okay, so I wasn't going to get everything I wanted. It was time to focus on what I did have or I would lose everything. It was time to go on. I pushed all the hurt feelings down deep where I could keep them in check. Today, I would move on with whatever part of my life was left. Work and school would be my focus now. That is how I would go on. It is all I had. Busying myself to get all the things at work done despite my hour late start, I had a few moments peace in my head. I was always a good worker and now I would be even better. School could use a lot more attention too. If I just crowded the pain out, maybe I would find the joy of school again. I was going to delete solitaire from my computer and never hide again. No more mindless distractions for me. I was simply going to change focus. We were part way through the winter semester and I was halfheartedly working on my class assignments. It wouldn't be hard at all to do better. Plans were fine, but actions were another story. I went through the day tentatively as if I had sore muscles; testing each step to determine if it hurt more. It was strange how noisy everything seemed, as if I hadn't heard all the confusion around me for a month and a half. Had it only been that long? It seemed so much longer. I certainly felt older. As I was getting home that afternoon, I saw Christy again. I returned her wave and tried to add a smile. "God loves me," she'd said. I knew that at one time he did. Maybe eventually, I could work my way back to his favor. Chapter 12 The next morning I awoke on time. At work, I completed everything early and looked for extra things to do. One of the full time staff had me inventory in the large room that held canned goods. The paperwork reminded me of the management class I was taking this semester. It got me thinking about my career. The longer I was in the recreation program, the more I knew that I wanted to have my own summer camp. I loved being out in nature and I'd always wanted to give others that experience. A life of service in this way might allow me to still see others smile without having to get too close. The future had always been something to plan for, but not to dwell on. I had always lived in the moment. Now more than ever, I needed a dream; something to focus on and work towards. I would make this camp my focus. My goal needed a plan. I set to work making one. First, I would get more information and for that I needed input. I decided to play roving reporter. "What was your favorite part of summer camp?" I asked everyone: people waiting to enter a classroom, the person behind the counter in the store, and even random people I stopped between classes. It was odd, at first I thought talking with people again would be difficult and truly, the first time it was. Some of the awkwardness eased when I realized that no one was looking at me with pity. Strangers were easier to talk to than friends. When Dad called, I was able to reassure him that things were going better. "Really Dad, I am excited about this summer camp idea. If I can get it all researched and planned right, I could really pull it off." "Great, Megan. You would be really good at that. We would get free rates right?" he said with an obvious smile in his voice. That was nice. Usually in these talks he just sounded serious and worried. My smile totals were still abysmally low. At least this week, I would have one. The serious tone came back. "How are your prayers going?" "Okay," I said weakly, not really wanting to discuss it. I had gotten out of the habit. "Here is my fatherly council to you, then... pray harder." "Thanks, Dad," I said, trying now to figure out how to get him off the phone. "I've got to go. I love you." He didn't return the goodbye, but instead said, "It really works, Megan. You just have to keep at it." "Bye." He gave me a reluctant goodbye and I hung up. Shaking off the phone call, I returned my attentions to my business plans. The responses were varied when I talked to people. Some answers were categorically unhelpful. Others had never been to summer camp or even scout or girls camp. Every once in a while, though, I got an answer that I could use. Water activities seemed to be especially popular ranging from swimming and canoeing to white water. Campfire times also seemed to be remembered fondly. Those had always been my favorite, too. I kept track of the answers knowing that my camp would have to start out kind of small and I needed to prioritize. At first, location seemed to be an easy thing to plan, but it turned out to be was much more involved than I had anticipated. There were zoning laws, building restrictions, utility accessibility, and taxes. At least, while I was still in school, I had the resource of knowledgeable professors to help. If I had tried to do this without all the research and preparation, I would have given up in frustration one week into it. So I kept plugging in the numbers and the results of my surveys. I had spread sheets on my computer for financing, survey results and even a timeline. They were constantly being updated. Without a social life, I found there was all kinds of time for planning. The next item on my survey list was accommodations. I asked people if they preferred cabins or tents. Then, I wanted to know what kind of bathroom facilities they felt worked best. Of course, flush toilet won hands down, but I was surprised to learn that most surveyed didn't want mirrors, just a small sink. For most people, showers were optional if there was swimming. The cabins and tents debate was pretty evenly split. It wasn't unusual for a camp to have both; maybe that was a solution. Camp food can be handled in a couple of ways, too. Most people seemed to like the experience of cooking on a campfire themselves, but many complained about lack of variety. I typically sampled 200 people for each question. Then I would plug my numbers in and watch my records grow. It was funny how some people once they got talking about their camp experiences, they couldn't stop. I understood that enthusiasm. My enthusiasm was growing as well just from listening to their experiences and remembering my own. My smile totals were also growing again. People seemed to light up as they remembered. "I went to this camp one year that had a cable strung between two trees and you slid down the cable on a zip line. I stood in line over and over all day just to ride it," one person confided. "I went on this hike once where I had to cross a fallen log bridge in the rain. I was so sure I was going to slip off," another had said. "We always TP'd the neighboring camp on our last night." I laughed at this one, remembering a girl's camp experience of my own. "I liked to go out and sit on a rock all by myself and just listen to the sounds of the woods." This, too, I could empathize with, nature was one of my favorite chapels. "The best place to see the stars was from the middle of the lake so we would go out on these barges and stargaze." This memory, of a girl from California, had made me want to be there too. I could just picture it in my mind. Life was better, but I still hadn't faced D41 yet. The pain was there, it was just muted; taken over by distractions. I was still avoiding Jackie, too. She was the most persistent of my roommates. The others had given up a couple of weeks ago when their repeated attempts to befriend me had been in vain. I knew I wasn't fixed yet. I was still angry with Heavenly Father for my broken body and for the loneliness it produced. My surveys had proven to me that I was naïve to think I could avoid people. It was clear that I was going to have to open up my heart again to clean out some of this mess. But this idea was frightening. How could I be sure I could go on again if it didn't work? * * * Christy's words had slowly been working in the back of my mind for a couple of weeks, since my visit with Mr. Wallace. The question on my mind was "How do I listen to the right messenger?" I fell back on all those lessons I'd had over the years. I began with my scriptures and then slowly added in my prayers. At first, it was hard. I didn't want to be comforted. Life wasn't fair and I should get to feel as sad about it as I wanted. Faking being happy for everyone else wasn't really fooling anyone so why bother. Then, I realized that I didn't really like myself anymore. I wanted to be better and feel happy again. * * * That very week, while I was sitting in the living room writing Spencer for the first time since Christmas, the apartment phone rang. I was very surprised that it was Nathan. If he had called my cell, I wouldn't have answered. But I always answered the apartment phone in case it was for one of my roommates. "Hey, Megan, glad I got a hold of you," he said all excited. "What's up Nathan?" It really was good to hear his voice. "I got my mission call today!" "Wow, where are you going?" "I'll tell you when you come for the party tonight, 6 o'clock, okay?" Yikes, I wasn't quite ready to sit casually at a party, especially not there. Things were still weird. "Gee..." before I could go on, Nathan broken in. Sensing my hesitation, he continued, "Andy won't be here, he has to work. You have to come. We miss you." "Okay, Nathan, I'll be there." The response that used to be automatic had taken some effort this time, but I was going to face this. It made me smile to think that they might miss me; maybe I wasn't that unlovable. Plus, I really wanted to know where Nathan was going. I walked down to the bookstore and bought some chips to take to the party. I didn't want to go empty handed. I made it back home with plenty of time to spare. It was only 5:00 and I sat fidgeting. It was tempting to go early, just because having made the decision to try, I hated waiting in limbo. Andy would have left for work by now; did they need help getting ready? It had been a long time since I had just hung out with them. I was surprised when I realized that I really missed them and not just them, but Jackie, Kristen and Melissa too. I wanted my friends back. If only I could be a friend worth having again. * * * It was hard, but I waited until 6 o'clock like instructed and then knocked on the door. Nathan answered it, beaming from ear to ear. I waited to see if his smile would fade when he saw it was me, but it didn't. He welcomed me inside. The room was still pretty empty, but Emily and John were sitting together on the couch. It was then that I saw the large banner on the wall above them. The curly cue letters and the bright rainbow colors, had me convinced that Emily had made the sign. "Korea?" I asked. "Yeah, can you believe it?" "Well, congratulations! When do you report?" "First week in May." "I'm so happy for you, Nathan." He reached for a hug and I awkwardly complied. I moved on to say hi to John and Emily when someone else knocked. "How are you guys doing?" I asked sitting next to Emily. "We're a little freaked out, actually. We have to move the wedding date up if Nathan is going to get to attend. So many things to do..." she trailed off distracted. "Oh, wow! Congratulations I didn't know you guys were engaged." "Thanks," John said, smiling and looking rather pleased with himself. More people sat and began to talk. Things were in full party mode and I was feeling a little overwhelmed. A party was not the best place to reintroduce myself to social things. Mark came out of his room just as I was thinking about leaving. He walked over to me. This was going to be hard. I braced myself for the sound of pity in his voice. "Megan, it is so good to see you. Someone I know can't stop talking about you." His genuine smile was a welcome sight. That made two already this evening, maybe they really did miss me. However, his words worried me. I hoped he wasn't talking about Andy. He gestured toward the table where the food was laid out. I grabbed a handful of chips and a cookie. We stood in the kitchen because the living room was filling up with well-wishers. "I'm afraid to ask?" I finally said, blowing out a huff of air. "Mr. Wallace is smitten, I think. He said to tell you to come back and visit." "What? He practically kicked me out." I was surprised, but pleased. "I guess your charms are growing on him." He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I laughed. I actually laughed. It felt strange. "I need to make another visit then. Maybe I can do it next week." I said, mentally checking my calendar. I needed to take something to entertain the man, too. I wondered if he liked games. "Let me know, I'll go with you," Mark said, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth. "So how are the Cole's doing?" I was feeling more relaxed and it felt nice for a change. "Everyone at home is great. Micah has even come off of the oxygen. I think Rebekah is a little mad at me, though." "Why, what did you do?" I asked, surprised. "Well, after her last call to you, I told her not to call you anymore." "What! Why would you do that?" I was shocked, but at least she hadn't called while I was really out of it. She was one friend I hadn't managed to push away. "I figured you wanted some space, I mean, you stopped coming here. And you've been so.... sad." He looked at me, searching my face. "I guess, I get it, but really it was unnecessary." "So are you feeling better?" "I'm getting there." "So when do you want to go and see Mr. Wallace?" "I'll go see him sometime this week after school. You don't need to take me." "Okay, and how about a ride to church tomorrow? It's supposed to be raining." "Sure," I said, excusing myself before I could make any more promises. I went back to the food table for a drink. It had been a long time since I had tried to be normal and I wasn't sure how long I could keep it up. When my cup was empty, I tossed it in the trash can, said my goodbyes, and left early. * * * The next morning when Mark knocked on the door, Jackie and I followed him out to the parking lot. It was a little less squished with Jackie than it had been with Andy. The thought made me sad and I tried to shake off the discomfort. "Mark, I have been meaning to ask you... What was your favorite part of summer camp?" He looked at me puzzled. Jackie broke in, "Oh, she asks everyone that question. She is a bit obsessed with her business plan." "I never really went to a summer camp. Is scout camp okay?" "Sure, any group camping experience works." "I guess, I liked the music the most. You know, all the campfire songs and the stories. Hiking was really fun, too. Do I have to have just one favorite?" I smiled because there was a little gleam in Mark's eye that I had seen a lot during my survey. "No, tell me all the stuff you liked. We have time." "There was this one trail at scout camp that led to a hot spring. We usually ran it, being kids, you know. But one day I was walking there by myself because I had finished my cleaning assignment early. I rounded a corner and I saw an eagle perched just off the trail. I was quiet and kept my distance. He didn't even fly away. It was amazing." "Cool," I breathed. We rode in silence for a moment, enjoying the picture that his words had painted. Funny how little things like that can make you feel the Spirit. It had been while since I'd felt that good. To keep tears from coming, I went on. "Okay, if you have your choice, which is better cabin or tent?" "Is it winter or summer?" "Summer." "Definitely tent. It feels more like you are camping when you are in a tent." "Have you ever been in one of those old army canvas tents? The smell just enhances that feeling for me." My nose wrinkled in memory. "One camp we went to had those. I didn't like them because they were so dark in the daytime." Arriving at church, Mark stepped ahead and opened the building door for us. We felt a rush of warm air and hurried inside before we got soaked. "Any more questions?" "Two. What kind of bathroom facilities make camping the best? And do you prefer cafeteria type dining or cooking your own food in camp?" We headed for the stairs that would take us to the next level. "Are you serious? Please tell me no one has chosen pit toilets over flush." His vote was obvious. "Well, it doesn't hurt to ask," I said. But he was right; not one person in the survey had chosen pit toilets. "I think I like cooking my own food, just not for breakfast. I don't want to have to get up for that." He smiled and winked as he spoke. I'd forgotten he was not a morning person. I counted his smile as the first for my week. Sometimes, I thought I should thank people for their smiles. This was one of those times because his smile made me feel happy. "Thanks, you gave me some good thoughts." We entered the room where we held Sacrament Meeting. Andy waved to Mark. He had saved him a seat. His eyebrows went up when he saw me and I quickly turned away. "Go, ahead. Jackie and I have each other to sit by and we had better save seats for the rest." Mark reluctantly left, probably feeling guilty that he was choosing one friend over another. But I knew it was no contest, best friends win every time. This was not supposed to work out like this. I should never have dated anyone from D41, or anyone at all, a small voice in my head said. Then, I would still have my friends and my comfortable, ignorant dreams. Quickly, I pushed the thoughts away, before they could take hold, and said a prayer for help. The rest of our roommates made it just before the opening song. Sliding into the seats that Jackie and I had saved, Kristen and Melissa waved at me. Did they really still care after all I had done to push them away? It was amazing that I still had good friends in my roommates; a bonus I was not expecting. Church was less uncomfortable this time. Everywhere I turned, I saw smiles. They weren't necessarily for me, but somehow it still felt friendly. My world was starting to color again and it was happening so slowly that I felt like I was watching a movie. * * * That night Mom called. She gave me the usual rundown of what the twins were doing and how Kelly was keeping her busy. It was nice to hear some news from home, now that I felt human enough to care. She hesitated for a moment then said, "I have other news too. George and Lindsey are going to have a baby. Can you believe it?" It felt like I had been hit in the stomach, but I put my brave face on. "Wow, I guess that makes you a grandma. Congratulations. Tell George and Lindsey I'm happy for them." "It makes you an aunt, so congratulations to you too." "Hey, yeah. I didn't think of it that way. Well, I have things to get done before tomorrow. Love you." I hung the phone up, went to bed and cried myself to sleep again. Jackie had to be used to it by now, so I didn't worry about disturbing her. Was it always going to be this hard? * * * I just got up the next morning, said my prayers and went on. It was all I could do, though with every step forward it seemed like I was being pushed back. There were so many emotions in my life that I didn't want. It was all just too overwhelming to deal with. The busy week served as a good distraction and I started to feel a bit better. There were a few days of nice weather which had everyone hoping for spring. I was even able to start riding my bike to campus. Thursday after class, I headed down to see Mr. Wallace. I was not sure what kind of reception I would get, but I wanted to try. This time, I knew that Mark would be working so maybe he could help me out if things went badly. Mr. Wallace was lying in bed when I knocked. I wondered if he was feeling unwell. I hoped my visiting was okay. When I entered, he almost smiled and I could feel my eyebrows rising in response. "Hello, Mr. Wallace. Are you sick?" "Of course I'm sick. Would any well person live here?" He asked waving his arm around to indicate the whole building. "I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. Do you want me to go?" "No, I'm bored." "Well, what would you like to do?" "Fly. Can you help me with that?" "Sorry, I'm fresh out of wings, but I brought the paper maybe I can read to you for a while." He sat up in his bed a bit more and nodded his head so that I would begin. I started to read the headline news. It was all about some political scandal. He stopped me before I reached the third sentence. The next article on an earthquake in South America received the same rejection. I turned the page and tried again. He looked at me in disgust over artificial heart valves, street construction notices and even the movie reviews. Finally, in desperation, I started reading the personals. "Now we're talking." He slapped his hands together and rubbed them back and forth, as if he were a villain in a melodrama. He listened attentively, but often broke in with comments. I tried not to laugh at his interpretations of the buzz phrases and words people used to describe themselves. When I had gone through the two columns, he pronounced that once again there wasn't anyone good enough. This was more than I could take. I began to giggle and he glowered at me. "I didn't know you were looking for love, Mr. Wallace?" "It's not for me. I'm looking for Marky. The boy should settle down. He spends too much time here." "But that's his job," I objected mildly. "Boy still needs a life. What's up with you and him anyway?" "We're friends." Mr. Wallace match making was just funny. "Bah, friends. Time's too short! You kids just don't get that." I was surprised to hear him say that. Surely, the time dragged for him shut up in this room. "I'm tired now, go home." I left the room with mixed emotions. My visit had lasted longer than the last time, but I still didn't think he liked me much. Poor guy was too grumpy for his own good. I would just have to keep trying, but a genuine smile from Mr. Wallace seemed nowhere in my future. I wondered what Mark would think of Mr. Wallace matchmaking for him. It could be funny to tell him but the conversation could turn on me fast. The last thing I wanted to discuss was my love life, even if teasing Mark about his would be fun. Chapter 13 March was a long month. Towards the end, we got lots of snow and I was back to walking to campus, which was a bit difficult when the sidewalks weren't always cleared. Campus walkways were never a problem, but my shoes were usually wet by the time I got there. After Nathan's party, I had begun to attend family home evening again. Nathan and Mark had started going with me because Andy was bringing the girl he was dating to their group. I thought their show of solidarity was a bit overkill, but was happy to have their company. One family home evening we were told to dress warmly and bring gloves. I suspected a snowball fight. It wasn't supposed to be a snowball fight, we were making a fort, but a few projectiles made it into the air anyway. After I took a snowball to the side of the head, I had to retaliate. Nathan never saw it coming. I jumped on his back and he went face first into the snow. In a lightning fast motion, I was on my back and a pile of snow was being dumped onto my face. Wiggling away, I took refuge behind Mark who stood snowball at the ready watching Nathan closely. It felt good to be silly and have fun. I was starting to feel more like me all the time. After the snow, we all went back to our apartment for some hot cocoa. Nathan and Mark sat next to me at the table while we sipped, not wanting to burn our tongues. "So, how is the mission prep going?" I asked, making conversation. "Pretty good, I just need to get my suits." "Oh, that reminds me, wait here." I ran back to my room and found the package that had been waiting for me to remember it. "I shouldn't give you this after that snow incident." I said, smiling and tossing him the box. "Hey, you deserved it. I think my nose will be running for a week, thanks to you!" "You started it!" I teased, sticking my tongue out at him. Mark straightened his shoulders and put on a big daddy voice, "Now kids, settle down." We all laughed. It felt so good to laugh. "Well, you still owe me," Nathan said, faking hurt in his voice. I eyed the gift in his hands pointedly and said, "Oh, how do you figure that?" Remembering the present, he unwrapped the red striped tie and held it up to his chest. "Thanks, Megan. It's cool. But I figure you owe me because you just disappeared. With the whole John and Emily thing, I could really have used a friend." Ouch! "You looked like you were doing all right at your party." "Those people were just there because of my call. But you hang out with me just because. I spent lots of nights as the third wheel with Emily and John. They're kind of driving me nuts." "Sorry, things have just been..." I trailed off not wanting to describe the pain. I'd managed to hurt so many people who cared about me. There were a lot of things I needed to fix. I said a silent prayer for help. "Come on, you know Andy's work schedule and he is always gone now because of Savanna anyway. Come over." "I will try to come over more often. I promise." This seemed to please both Nathan and Mark. "I've missed you guys, too." "Good," Nathan said. He looked at Mark and it seemed like they exchanged a signal. Mark got up and took our mugs into the kitchen. "Megan, I was hoping you would go out with me on Friday. There is a dance; I thought it would be fun." I wasn't healed yet and this felt like a set up. "You mean like a date?" He nodded and for a moment, I considered it. What harm could it do? He was leaving on his mission soon and Nathan was always fun. Stopping myself before I could get too far, I shook my head, "Sorry, Nathan, I actually don't date anymore. But I really appreciate the offer." I was just trying to be nice with that last part. I didn't appreciate the offer, or the reminder that I was too damaged to consider it. Maybe living in this love sick community was a bad idea. He blinked, "What, why don't you date anymore? That's crazy. Is this still about Andy? Come on Megan, that was months ago. You should move on." "It's not Andy. I just... well it's kind of a long story, but thank you anyway." That last part was harder to add this time. I needed to get out of there, but this was my apartment not theirs. Feeling awkward and upset, I sat frozen. Thankfully, Mark, who had heard the whole exchange in the kitchen, returned and led Nathan back to their apartment before Nathan could argue anymore. I went back to my room and climbed into my bed. At least, I could still have fun with my friends, just no more dates. My mind continued the thought, no more holding hands, no more kisses, and no more feeling extra special to just one person. I sniffed and wondered if this would ever get any easier. I pulled out my scriptures for the first time in a long time. Maybe I could find solace there. I was just starting to read when I heard loud cheering and squealing sounds from the living room. Jackie burst in the door, "Megan, guess what? Kristen and Tony are engaged." I managed a weak smile, she hardly noticed before she bounced back down the hall. Tomorrow was soon enough to congratulate Kristen. I didn't think I could do it tonight. I picked my scriptures back up and tried to read. My prayer that night was a simple plea, "Heavenly Father, I can't do it anymore, please help me." * * * The next day, I woke up feeling a little better. Getting out of bed seemed easier. During my Church History class, we were talking about answers to prayer. I started to look for those answers in my life. There were times when I had found something that was lost. There was the time that I prayed for a friend who was sick and they had gotten better. I used to trust prayer so much. How long it had been since I had gotten an answer to my prayers? Was Heavenly Father still listening? I thought of Christy and her constant watch over me when I was really lost. Then, I remembered the prayers that I had offered to learn to appreciate visiting teaching. Yes, she was an answer to that prayer. She had said the things that had helped me start to change. She reminded me that Heavenly Father did love me and he cared what I was doing and feeling. So visiting teachers can bring messages from God and watch over His children even when they were lost. I had no idea until that moment how important they were or how lost I was. I said a prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for Christy and for loving me even when I was mad at Him. On the way home, I bought a big Gerber daisy for Christy. I wrote a little note on a card thanking her for being the Lord's messenger. I hurried home and left it with her roommate. Then, I went home to get started on dinner. I would begin making things up to my roommates tonight. While dinner was cooking, I wrote an encouraging note to Spencer. His total for the week had been abysmal. I wondered how bad his week would have had to be to get only two smiles. Spencer was not the kind to wallow like I'd been doing. Thinking of him sent a flood of memories to my mind; Spencer pushing me into the pool, Spencer stealing a lick of my ice cream cone while I was distracted by driving. I sent him the smile that was on my face by drawing it on the bottom of his letter. At least, he could add my smile into next week's total. The more I pondered, the more I could see all the answers to prayer in my life. Prayer was becoming important to me again, but in a different way. Where before it had been a nice way to communicate with Heavenly Father, now it was more like a life line. The peace that it brought reminded me of the peace I felt when I was in a forest. Craving that feeling, I knelt often and tried hard to listen. It was clear that not all of my answers would come in a day, but I was beginning to hope. I was done shutting Heavenly Father out of my life and that calmed my spirit more than anything else did. * * * I was trying my best to ignore my roommates one Friday night when my phone rang. "Hey, Megan. I need to talk to you, can I come over?" Mark asked. "Things are kind of crazy here," I said, looking around at the wedding magazines spread out on the floor and couches. Giggling girls filled the living room. "How about if I come over there?" There was a hesitation, "Andy's here." "That's okay. I'll be over in a few minutes." I put the phone down feeling proud of myself. It was time to stop avoiding him. It wasn't as if things were his fault anyway. I could be a grown up about this. I grabbed my jacket and put my shoes on. It wasn't quite barefoot weather yet, although April was more pleasant than the snowy March we'd had. The walk to D41 was familiar again. I had started hanging out with the guys, but it was always when Andy was gone. Nathan had been a little weird about the whole date thing at first, but he got over it after a few visits. Always the competitor, he beat me at a game of Sorry one night and decided that things were back to normal. I even suggested that he take Jackie to out and he took my suggestion. According to Jackie, they'd had a lot of fun. I knocked and the door immediately swung open. Mark was looking down the hall as if he expected someone. He sighed, waved me in and closed the door. I guessed he was hoping that Andy would stay in their room. I suddenly wondered how the conversation had gone when he hung up with me. Did he tell Andy to stay out of the way? Did he tell him why? We sat at the table and he fidgeted. "What's up? Is everything good with your family?" "Great actually, that is kind of why I wanted to talk to you? Hear me out. This is going to seem like a strange request." "Okay, I'm listening." "My parents have decided that the family needs to take a vacation." "That's great, where are you going?" "California. Mom wants us to see her favorite places from when she was little. She grew up there, you know. Anyway, the thing is... this will involve some camping and we aren't so sure how to make that happen." He paused and looked towards the hall again. "I told my parents that you might be able to help us." He raised his brows, biting his lip. "What do you want me to do?" I stared at him puzzled. The idea of helping the Coles had me immediately wanted to say yes, but out of habit, I approached with caution. "Well, I was hoping that you could come home with me after school and stay with my family. The kids will have another month of school. That should be enough time to get everything planned and squared away for this monster vacation. After the trip, I could drop you off at home in Arizona." It was a strange request, but I liked it. The experience would certainly be good and I wasn't really looking forward to another long summer at home; especially watching Lindsey's tummy expand. "It sounds fun, but I kind of need to work over the summer to afford my tuition for next year." "I thought of that. My mom says she can get you a job teaching swim lessons at the local pool. That's what you did before, right?" "So you want me to go to Idaho with you, live with your family and prepare them for a big camping vacation to California?" "That's pretty much it. You could put it on your resume or something. We could really use your help. We are way out of our depth here. You know we never go anywhere." "It sounds totally fun and I would love to check out Idaho. I'd never really been there before. I have to check with my family first. Can I let you know?" "Sure. That's great! I have some ideas about the trip, too. Let me know when you can." He was acting so jittery, I had to laugh. "I'll go home and call them right now." I stood up and headed for the door. "Oh, do you want my home phone number so your parents can call mine?" "No, I don't think that will be necessary. Besides, I already have Rebekah's number." "Why don't we meet somewhere later and you can tell me what they said." "I have to do my laundry. Can you meet me in the laundry room in about an hour?" * * * I walked home with all kinds of ideas running through my head. The parks in California were so beautiful. I was getting excited about this adventure before I even got the okay. Bursting through the door, I headed for my phone. Mom answered right away. She was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I told her all about it. She wasn't enthusiastic about the idea. "Well, let me get Dad and we can all talk about it." Dad's first reaction was to laugh, "Megan, you are an adult. Why are you asking us?" "I just wanted to know if you thought it would be okay if I don't come home for a while." "Well, we would miss you, but it sounds like a good opportunity." Mom jumped in at this point, "How much do you know about this family? What if they aren't nice to you?" "Mom, they aren't like that. Mark and Rebekah are great. I am sure I will be fine." "Megan, are you happy about this?" It was Dad again. He was really interested in my happiness lately. "Yeah!" I beamed into the phone. "Then go for it," Dad offered. "But..." Mom started to say. "Love you guys! I'll go tell them now." I hung up the phone and called Rebekah. "Hello, Rebekah? So, would you mind having a roommate for a while?" "Who is this?? Megan?" "Yep." I guessed her response was no because all I could hear was loud, excited screaming. "You're really coming?" "Yes, I just decided." It felt strange to say that. I had decided, not my parents. "Oh, we are going to have so much fun!" "Listen, Rebekah, I need to go tell Mark now. Talk to you later?" "Sure, I'll tell everyone here." "I think they probably already know thanks to your screaming." "No, I do that all the time," she laughed. "Bye!" I put the phone down and gathered my laundry. The load was really big. As I struggled down the hall and out the front door with it, I promised myself again that I would do it sooner next time. * * * I was putting my laundry in the dryers when Mark walked in carrying a basket. "This was a good idea," he said, heading for the washer. "It got me in here to take care of this before I ran out of clothes. I hate laundry." "I know what you mean. I had three loads this time because I waited so long." "Well, what did your folks say?" He seemed anxious and I was happy that I could give him good news. Mark would do anything for his family. I was pretty sure delivering me as an expert guide would please him. "The feelings were mixed, but it is my decision and I am looking forward to it." "You're coming?" I could hear him holding back the excitement in his voice. "Yes, now you had better tell me about those plans of yours." I pulled out a new spiral notebook and wrote Cole Family Vacation on the front cover. He smiled. I was starting to think that spending the summer with the Coles was going to do wonders for my weekly totals. Spencer would be so jealous. "Shoot!" "Well, the family has a whole bunch of ideas and Mom and Dad have some requirements. I think the whole thing is going to get worked out in a family meeting when we first get back home. There is just one thing I really want to do." "What is it?" I wrote 'ideas' at the top of the page and waited. "I want to go on an overnight backpacking trip with Christian. We need some guy time and I think he would love it. Plus, it will give us a chance to do things that we couldn't possibly do with the rest of the family." I wrote down backpack trip with Christian and then put Mark's name to indicate whose idea it was. In a family of nine, I was pretty sure there were going to be lots of ideas. "That shouldn't be too difficult. What part of California are we going to?" "Mom grew up in the Central Valley. She wants us to see Yosemite and the Sequoias." "How long are we vacationing for?" "A week, plus travel to and from?" "This could get expensive. Do you guys already have all your camping gear?" "No, that is one of the things Mom is hoping you can help her with. She isn't sure what we need. Don't worry about the money. The Cole's aren't rich, but we have been saving for this trip for seven years." "Seven years? Wow!" "I guess all the other details should wait until we get there, except one. What is your schedule like now?" he asked. "It is a little crazy. I'm finishing up some projects." "Yeah, I'm pretty busy now too, but I need you to meet me at my apartment tomorrow morning." "What for?" "You have got to learn to drive a stick shift so you can use my truck at home." "Ummm.... I don't know, that sounds a little dangerous. I'll just ride my bike." George had tried to teach me once how to drive his stick shift. I'd narrowly avoided an accident. "Megan, don't be crazy, it isn't a spaceship or anything. We'll find a deserted parking lot somewhere and you will get it in no time." "Okay," I said, reluctantly. I put the notebook away and he ran back to his apartment for a board game. It was ten o'clock when I got home. Quickly, I put my folded clothes away and climbed into bed. It was time to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be some day. Kneeling on my bed, I thanked Heavenly Father for the Coles and the opportunity they were giving me. I also thanked Him for a loving family and a Dad that wanted me to be happy. Then, I reflected on how much happier I was feeling. It's funny how changes can sometimes happen so slowly you don't even notice. * * * I was beginning to see my strengths and talents again. As I felt the Spirit more often, quieting the negative thoughts became a little easier. I discovered, however, that I could not add driving a manual transmission to my list of talents. I was getting frustrated as over and over I stalled Mark's truck in the mall's back parking lot. Luckily, there were few witnesses to my ineptness, but Mark's snickers were bad enough. "Sure keep laughing. It's your transmission I'm ruining." "It's all about timing." He tried to look at me seriously, biting his lip so that he wouldn't laugh. "You'll get it. You just need to get the timing right." An hour later, I was doing pretty well. I had made it around the mall. Then, I had to start again from a stop sign and I stalled in the middle of the intersection. "Ahhh!" I groaned, frantically trying to get out of another car's way. The lot was filling up. I started the engine again, pulled over to a parking spot, and stopped the truck. "Your turn, I've had enough." "You are so close. Are you sure you don't want to practice on the real road?" "Definitely not. I am done for the day." He was such a good teacher. I wondered where he got all of his patience from. "Okay, we will just have to practice again next Saturday. We are running out of time." "No, not again." "Are you saying you don't want to be around me," Mark teased. "That's hurtful, Megan, besides you may as well get used to me." "Good point, I guess you are going to be around a lot. Well, at least I'll have Rebekah for compensation," I teased back. "Ouch! Hey since we're here, come in with me and help me pick out a present for Nathan." We returned home two hours later. I had just enough time to work on my biology homework before Melissa's concert. This time I was dressed properly and sitting in the front row. I didn't even laugh when I saw Nathan and Jackie enter holding hands; funny how that was working out. All that talk about returned missionaries and she would be writing a missionary, after all. Shortly after they came in, I saw Mark. I hadn't thought to ask him if he wanted to come. I guess Melissa had. He waved at me and came to sit in the open seat next to me. Again, he closed his eyes, listening to the music, and I thought of Mr. Wallace. It was too bad we couldn't have brought him with us. After the concert, we all went back to our apartment for ice cream. The group was upbeat and silly as we talked. Melissa was so thrilled to be finished with her final concert of the year and we all cheered for her. * * * The week flew by in a blur. Much too soon, I was sitting behind the wheel of Mark's truck again. After a quick refresher from last week, he directed me out of the parking lot and onto the city streets. Nervously, I concentrated hard until my hands hurt from squeezing the steering wheel. We made our way into the center of town where there were definitely too many stops. "You need a chance to practice changing gears, turn right here. Let's get on the freeway." I looked over to him, terrified. "What?" "Megan, think about it. The hardest part for you is the starts and stops, right? The freeway will be a piece of cake." I wasn't sure this was true, but I entered the freeway and headed south towards Spanish Fork. He was right; shifting gears was easy enough, once I got used to it. Mark got really good at not wincing when I would grind the gears. He told me to take the exit to Spanish Fork Canyon and I panicked because we were going to be back to stops and starts again. I'd had enough practice for one day. "Calm down, Megan, you can do it. I thought while we were out we could check out the Canyon. I remember some hot springs up there from before my mission." I was too busy focusing to answer him. Passing into the shopping area, Mark said, "Hey, pull in here, I'm starving. You can practice a pick-up window." I pulled in and he gave me his order. "Get something for yourself too, please. I don't want to feel bad eating in front of you; my treat." Shaking my head at how early it was for fast food, I ordered some fries and a small root beer. We parked in the lot because there is no easy way to eat while driving a stick shift. I watched Mark woof down two burgers, fries and a milk shake. Wondering where it all went in his lean frame, I said, "Now I see... your family has been saving lots of money because they haven't had to feed you the last few years. No wonder they can take big vacations." He laughed, eying my fries. "Well, at least you're not going to eat them out of house and home this summer. You'll be economical." We ate in silence for a while. The sun was shining in the window and my skin felt extra warm where it hit. "How is Mr. Wallace doing?" He smiled, "Grumpy as usual. He keeps asking about you. I think you're addictive." I tossed my wadded fry wrapper at him and he dodged it expertly. "I missed," I said, pretending frustration. "Yeah, you just can't beat me." He picked up the projectile and prepared for a counter attack. Quickly, I directed his attention away from that plan. "I've been to the springs before. If you want me to get us to the right spot you need to drive so I can think." It was a bit of a copout, but I so did not want to drive anymore. I opened the door and jumped out before he could remember his attack or suggest I try mountain driving. I walked around the truck to the passenger's side. Mark got out too; garbage in hand and to my relief, walked to the trash can. I was safe from retaliation it seemed. He came back and stood by the door so that he could close it for me and I thanked him with a curtsey. "You really are getting so much better at this driving thing," he offered, encouragingly. "Yeah! I didn't even kill us," I teased. Then he grabbed me in a big hug. It was nice and warm there; too nice, I decided. He was always so sweet. I smiled at him, but pulled away and climbed into the truck. I should get used to this. I was going to be spending six weeks with a family of huggers, but I shouldn't get to comfortable. Chapter 14 We spent the rest of the day getting lost in the canyon. Finally, we found the trail to the springs. We followed the smell of sulfur the last quarter mile. Kicking our shoes off, we both ran to the springs and I splashed in the shallowest ones. Mark took a more casual approach carefully sitting on a rock and dipping in his feet with his pant legs neatly rolled up. It was a lazy afternoon, the warmth of the sun and the springs made the clearing especially pleasant. I dozed happily, watching the bright yellow and red of the sun through my eyelids. I even heard a small snore from Mark's direction. Unable to resist, I snuck up to him. I was careful not to block the sun on his face and wake him up. Then, I reached into the spring cupping my hands. He awoke with a start as the carefully aimed water hit his face. After that, I could expect little mercy and the water fight was on. The sun was heading toward the west when we prepared to head back. "Next time, I am bringing my swimsuit," he said, trying to dry himself off. Giggling like a child, I splashed him again. We both walked slowly along the trail listening to the crack of twigs and the other little sound of the woods. At least our shoes were dry, but the rest of us was dripping. The water had started out warm, but by the time we reached the truck, we were both shivering because of our wet clothes. Mark cranked up the heater and then reached behind the seat. "Here," he said, handing me a blanket. I snuggled down under it even though it smelled like metal. It must have been kept right next to a set of old tools or something. Still, I was grateful that he always seemed to be prepared. "What do your finals look like?" he asked as we drove. "Not too bad. I'll be done with them by the 21st." "My last final is on the 20th, but I have to work on the 22nd. Do you mind hanging out for a day or so?" "No, that works great. I can scout apartments for next year. I haven't gotten to that yet." "Okay, then we will leave on the 23rd. Do you have a lot of stuff?" "Not really, two suitcases, maybe four boxes, and my laptop. Oh, and my bike." "We should fit fine then. I guess with the computers, we shouldn't pack the truck until Friday morning." "I hope your family likes me." "Are you kidding, you may have to beat Christian off with a stick." "That's not exactly what I meant." "Megan, have you ever actually met anyone who didn't like you?" "Sure, everyone has." "Well, I just can't imagine that." "Oh, what about Mr. Wallace?" I asked with a laugh. "He doesn't like anyone, but he does like you. Like I told you, he's addicted." "I think he likes you too, Marky." "No!! Please don't call me that." His face was earnest but there was humor there too. "I'll consider it." "Oh, it's a deal is it? What do you want?" "Dinner. I'm starving." He tilted his head to the side as if he were considering. He smiled and said, "Deal. Where do you want to go?" We ate in the car again, thanks to our wet, stinky clothes. Away from the hot springs we could once again smell the sulfur and it wasn't good. When we got home, I thanked him for the fun day and excused myself so that I could get dry. The apartment was quiet. It had been that way a lot lately. Jackie was in the kitchen making dinner. "Hey, where have you been, you smell kind of funny." "We hiked to the hot springs, it's the sulfur." "And you're wet." "Water fight." "I thought you weren't dating anymore? Who did you go with?" "Mark. He was just teaching me to drive his stick shift. It wasn't a date." "Sure," she said. "Dinner is almost done. I made enough if you want some, but go shower first." "It smells really good, but I just ate. The shower sounds like a good idea though. Want to watch a movie when I'm done?" "Okay." * * * It was the final week of school and cleaning was a big thing on the agenda, as we prepared to move out of our apartment. It was amazing how many phone messages and church bulletins I found underneath the refrigerator. The bathroom sparkled now. It was cleaner than it had been all year. Aside from the cleaning meeting we had Sunday night, I only caught glimpses of my roommates the next few days. Then, one by one, they all left for home and the apartment was empty except for me. I no longer felt like I wanted to be alone, so I decided to visit Mr. Wallace. I hopped on my bike and rode through the residential streets of Provo heading for the hospital. There was a lot of activity as people loaded cars with boxes and piles of clothes on hangers. Another year was over already and what a year it had been. I had reached the end of my rope and yet somehow I was still hanging on. It was still hard, but my load was lightening. Mr. Wallace was not exactly pleased to see me, but he was as pleased as he ever gets. I found him, dapper as always, looking out his window. "Hi, Mr. Wallace. It's beautiful outside isn't it?" "It's okay, not green enough yet." "Would you like to go out in the courtyard for a walk?" "Don't you mean ride," he said, grimacing at the wheelchair. "Either way you still get some fresh air." "May as well. You'll just talk me to death anyway." I smiled and helped him gently to the chair. "All ready?" "Better drive by the nurses' station and let the warden know you're springing me." "You've got it." I pushed him down to the station, smiling at the residents sitting in the hallway. From the looks on their faces, Mr. Wallace was scowling at them. We passed the desk and I spoke up in a stage whisper, "Hey Mark, Mr. Wallace and I are running away from home. Don't wait up." Mark grinned and hollered after us, "Watch out Mr. Wallace, Megan's trouble." I headed out the glass doors that led to the courtyard. The sun was just starting to set and I was glad that I had grabbed a blanket throw as we left the room. Placing the blanket across Mr. Wallace's lap, I began to stroll around the walk admiring the bright colored bulbs in the flowerbeds. "You're trying to freeze me," Mr. Wallace complained as he pulled the blanket up tighter. "Sorry about that. I guess the sun was making all the difference." I stopped the chair for a moment so that we could watch a bird making a nest in one of the three trees in the courtyard. "Well, the birds seem to think the weather is nice," I said, pointing to the twig laden bird in flight. "Do you see any feathers?" Mr. Wallace said, gesturing with his arms as if he was flying. I couldn't help myself, I laughed. To my surprise, Mr. Wallace laughed too. The smile stayed on his face for a moment and then quickly he assumed its normal frown. It was brief, but that was good enough for me. I could finally count a smile from Mr. Wallace. "Take me inside before I get too much fresh air." "As you wish," I said, waving my hand with a flourish. I took the long way around, circling the building. I hummed a little to myself as I walked. It wasn't quite a tune, just noise, but it gave me something to do while he held his quiet mood. "Stop that," he complained after a moment. "If you're going to hum try not to sound like a buzz saw." I stopped immediately and chided, "Why don't you start us off then." He began a soft melody that I recognized. I joined in and our hums of "I am a Child of God" filled the hallways. Those we passed did double takes as they saw the resident grump humming. I smiled widely because they weren't the only ones surprised by Mr. Wallace tonight. When we came to his room, I pushed him inside and offered to help him to his bed or another chair. Shaking his head, he said, "Just push that call button over there." I obeyed and Mark appeared in the doorway two minutes later. "I see you're back. What do you need Mr. Wallace?" "Privacy," he grumbled, looking pointedly at me. I took the hint and gave Mr. Wallace a friendly wave. "I'll go now. I'm going to miss you this summer, Mr. Wallace. Goodbye." "Oh, hey, Megan. Wait for me, my shift is almost done," Mark said. I nodded and he closed the door. In the dining hall, there were a couple of ladies putting a puzzle together. One lady with thick glasses and a crown of soft white curls made an exasperated sound. "I just can't tell if that's an eye or a pebble. How are your eyes?" She asked, looking me up and down. "Pretty good, let me see." I sat down next to her and we began to work. About 20 minutes later, Mark found me. "Mr. Wallace says to tell you goodbye. Ready to go?" "Sure," I rose from the table. "Thanks for letting me help. Have a good night," I said to the ladies. They smiled at me and I added three more smiles to my tally. We walked out to the truck and I went to retrieve my bike from the pillar where I had chained it. Mark flung it into the back with one effortless movement. He was strong despite his thin appearance. "Ice cream?" I asked when we were on our way. He shivered, but said, "Sure." He drove across town to an ice cream and sandwich shop I'd eaten at a few times. We lingered over our bowls just talking. I told him all about my visit the bewildering Mr. Wallace. Mark wasn't at all surprised to hear that he had laughed or hummed. "He's never told you?" I gave him a puzzled look and begged, "Told me what?" "Mr. Wallace taught music at a high school for many years. He is not lacking in a sense of humor or a love of music. You have to catch him in the right mood, but he has some great stories. He's just lonely and unhappy." "That much I had gathered." I said dryly and we both chuckled. "Long day tomorrow." I was feeling excited for an adventure. "Speaking of which, we had better get home if we want to get an early start. I still have some packing to do." "Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pulled you away from that." "Don't be silly. This was fun and I love ice cream." "I can tell," I said, looking at his empty banana split bowl. He lightheartedly complained, "Hey, this was dinner." "You hadn't eaten yet?" "Not since my lunch break at 2." He looked as his watch as he spoke. "9 o'clock already?" "They have sandwiches here too, you know. Do you want anything else?" "No, I'm good. I need to get home, there's lots left to do." I flagged down the waitress and ordered a sandwich to go. "This will just take a minute. If you're going to have a late night you might want it." His answering grin was almost blinding. "It's just a sandwich. It isn't like I gave you a kidney or anything," I observed, but I happily counted his smile. "I know. I just think it's cool that you care." Well, of course, I cared. Had I been so awful this winter that people thought me heartless? How did I respond to that? We got the sandwich and left. "I will knock about 6 in the morning and you can start bringing your stuff out." "Okay, I hope you get some sleep." I decided it would be easier in the morning if my stuff was all ready by the door. I moved it and then slept on the couch so I wouldn't miss the knock in the morning. * * * I learned on the way to Idaho that Mark was a huge fan of a cappella music. His mp3 collection was extensive and listening to it was surprisingly fun. It was impossible not to sing along as we drove down the long highway. Again, I was reminded of times with George, but Mark was definitely a better singer. He carried on harmonies and I tried to keep up with the melodies. Smiling and laughing and singing felt so good. I wondered if his whole family was as cheerful. Perhaps they would be good for me in more ways than one. Mark also asked me lots of questions about my business plan and my camp plans in general. He was very encouraging and it made me feel good. My roommates had rolled their eyes when I started talking about my plans, but Mark was really listening. There were still two years of school ahead of me, but the plans had been an important distraction, and I was attached to them. The enthusiasm that had come from listening to others' experiences was still strong, and it was nice that someone else seemed excited too. "Where do you think you want your camp to be?" "I'm not sure. I have been casually looking at real estate," I admitted. This had been one part of the plan I hadn't discussed with friends, because I was worried that they would laugh at my prematurity. "California, although beautiful, is just going to be too expensive. Arizona is so dry most of the time that campfires are often prohibited even in the forests. I was thinking about Utah, but it is getting expensive too, in a couple of years I am just not sure I could swing it." "Have you considered Idaho?" "Actually, I've been thinking about it since your family invited me. I'm not sure about hiking and things there. Maybe I can get a better idea during my visit." "So much of Idaho I haven't even seen. There must be a lot to explore," he said. Stretching the muscles in his neck, he wiped his eyes with his hand. "Do you think you could drive for a while? That late night is creeping up on me." I shrunk at the idea, but agreed to take over. There were a few hesitations as I pulled away from the curb on the off ramp where we had stopped, but I managed to get us back on the highway. Once I was in fourth gear I relaxed. "Good job! You're getting better," Mark offered, as he rolled his long legs to the side and laid his head against the window. "Just stay on this road we have about three hours left." The miles flew by and before long, we were nearing our destination. I reached over and shook Marks shoulder as we passed a sign indicating that Twin Falls was about 20 minutes away. The Coles lived in the country just outside of Twin Falls. I was completely unfamiliar with the area, so I felt better with him awake. This way he could navigate the last bit. He sat up, stretched his neck and rolled his shoulders. Looking at his watch, he blinked. "I'm sorry I slept so long, Megan." "It's okay. You must have needed it. You seem pretty good at sleeping on the road. I'm always wide awake; it gets a little annoying on long trips because then I arrive all tired out." "Trust me, the falling asleep can get annoying too. Once on a scout trip I fell asleep. When I woke up my legs were tied together with bandages. It took me twenty minutes to get through all the knots." "So many things I missed, not being a boy scout," I complained with a smirk. We passed another sign showing our destination was even closer. I started to feel a little nervous again, hoping that the Coles would like me. They were stuck with me for a month and a half. It would be horrible if I was a burden. I tried to distract myself by asking questions. "So tell me more about your mom and dad. You haven't said much about them." "Mom is short with long, curly, red hair. I was taller than she was by the time I was 12. The last I knew, Caleb was well on his way to being taller too. Anyway, Mom loves music and is always singing. She has a degree in the humanities and is always taking us to concerts and plays. But she is playful too. Once, when I was seven, she hustled me at arm wrestling." He laughed at the memory. "What? How did she do that?" "I wanted to stay up late, so she said if I beat her at arm wrestling that I could stay up. I beat her so fast. I thought I was the strongest kid ever. She suggested we do it again. This time if I won, I got to stay up all week, and if she won, I had to take the trash out for a week. Well, you can guess what happened." "I think I am going to like your mom." I could almost see his little seven year old face, sad with defeat and disbelief. "You've met my dad so you know how he is; upbeat and big hearted. He would growl like a big bear, reach for me, and tickle me until I couldn't laugh anymore. He is also a master carpenter. It's more of a hobby now, but it paid his way through school. He has taught each of us boys how to work with wood. He would have taught the girls too, but Rebekah wasn't very interested and Anna and Ruth are still a bit young. I understand that they both help with clean up duties in the workshop now." "What does your dad do for a living?" "He's an accountant, that's why our family is so good at saving. He keeps us on a tight budget." "Maybe I can take some lessons from him. I am going to need to save up a fair amount before a bank will even consider me for a business loan." "Saving is a part of life when you adopt. My parents have a special account just for adoptions. Over the years, we all contributed to the account. It got us excited about helping our new brother or sister come to live with us. Anna was the last adoption a little over seven years ago. We started saving again right after she came home, but we never needed the money. Mom and Dad were completely surprised when Ruth came along. It's that savings that we are using for the vacation, there is probably close to $12,000 in it." My eyes bugged out at the amount and then I asked, "Why didn't you need the money for Ruth. Oh, right she wasn't adopted." "No, she is the only natural child in the family. Mom and Dad were told they would never have kids." "So is that weird or anything?" I paused. "Sorry, I guess that is kind of a personal question." "No worries. It actually doesn't make one bit of difference. Mom and Dad love us all just as much. I will say this though, it does give Ruth the prettiest red curly hair." * * * We had turned off the highway and were driving down a rural road, passing farm houses and barns. After about fifteen minutes, Mark had me pull into a long double driveway full of a big white van and two small cars. The front yard was full of trees; most looked like they bore fruit of some kind, but it was too early in the season to tell what. There were bikes piled by the garage door and an abandoned doghouse just off of the driveway. Mark leaned over and honked the horn. Kids poured through the front door. School had probably been out for about an hour and they looked like they hadn't been doing anything but waiting. I recognized Ruth right away thanks to her red hair. Mark was right, it was definitely beautiful. Caleb, I assumed, was the tall dark skinned boy with the largest dimples I had ever seen. Anna, who was blind, was slowly making her way to the tree next to the drive. She held onto the trunk and waited. Mark jumped out and grabbed the two that had run up to the truck. He had both of them in a headlock within seconds. Caleb fought against him and managed to twist out because Ruth was giggling so much that Mark started laughing too. Scooping Ruth up onto his hip, he hurried over to Anna and wrapped her in a big hug. She giggled and turned her smiling face up to her big brother. It felt like I was intruding on this private scene, so I stayed where I was standing next to the truck. Mark whipped his head around looking for me. "Come on over, Megan. Meet the rug rats." Smiling, I ventured over to the small crowd. "This is Caleb, Anna and Ruth," he said, giving each a squeeze as he said their name. "Nice to meet you," I said politely. Ruth grabbed my hand and held it while we walked into the house. She swung our hands back and forth, as we went, and it made me want to skip like I did when I was her age. We walked through the front door into an entry way that was crowded with shoes and backpacks. Rebekah came in from the kitchen with an apple and Christian ran up the stairs when he heard all the noise. Rebekah and I hugged each other like old friends. She asked me about the trip, while I watched Mark and Christian wrestle, bumping into things in their exuberance. Sister Cole, who was sitting in the living room just off the entry with Micah, hollered for them to stop. She looked pointedly at Mark until he introduced me. "Sorry, Mom. This is Megan." "It's very nice to finally meet you, Megan," Sister Cole said. "This is Micah." I walked closer so that Micah could see me, "Thank you so much for the invitation. I am very excited to spend this time with your family. Hi, Micah," I reached out to hold his hand. Mark's little brother was bent in a rigid pose that looked uncomfortable. His head, full of brassy blond hair, was turned to the side resting on the headrest of his chair. "Well, we will see if you still feel that way in a month," Sister Cole said. She was glaring at the boys again because Christian had started poking Mark's side. Mark barely noticed Christian's attempts. He just stood there with an expression on his face I couldn't place. His look at me was so intense that I should have felt uncomfortable, but I wasn't. Mark shook his head and seemed then to notice Christian's attack. "Oh, and this is Christian," Mark said, putting his hand on the shoulder of his younger brother. He was a younger brother, but not a little brother. Christian had grown just a little taller than Mark, despite the fact that he was only 17. He had dark eyes and brown hair about the color of Marks, but without the red highlights. His skin was covered with the usual pimples of adolescence and his upper lip bore a large scar indicating a former cleft palette. Christian grinned wide and I thought in that moment that I could see a lot of resemblance between him and Mark. They were both just so happy. He walked over to me and made a theatrical bow. "Hello, Megan, so glad to meet you." He actually kissed my hand. I looked up to Mark for help and he gently shoved Christian off balance. "Okay, give Megan her hand back." Sister Cole chuckled softly on the couch. Micah decided he had been ignored long enough and he made a loud whining noise. Mark went straight to him and touched his face. He made a shhhing sound and talked quietly to him about our trip home. I could hear the soft reassuring words. I talked to Micah about our trip too and about how Mark seemed to be able to sleep anywhere. This won a laugh from Sister Cole. Rebekah pulled me away to show me her room. It was purple and the walls were covered with pictures of friends. She offered me her bed, but I was fine with sleeping of the floor. After all, she still had a month of school left and I was prepared for roughing it. She had emptied two drawers for me and cleared some space in the closet, too. It was such a welcoming thing to do even if it destroyed my plans for living out of a suitcase. I was going to have to get more settled in than that. When I came out of her room, Mark was still talking to Micah. I didn't want to disturb him so I went to unpack the truck. It had been decided that my things would be stored in the basement corner so I recruited Caleb and Christian to show me the way and to carry the boxes. They seemed happy to help when I gave them the left over cookies from the trip. "Hey," Mark protested, when he saw them running past him with the bag. "I was going to eat those later." "Too late, I had to tip the bellboys." He looked at his truck and sighed, realizing that he also had to unload. "Do we have any more food to bribe them with? Some of this stuff is heavy." "Nope. That was the last of it, but I'll help you." I reached in for a box and then dropped it back into the bed. "What is in this? It weighs a ton." "My nursing books, some of them are pretty heavy. I probably shouldn't have packed them all in one box. Just leave that one. I'll get it." "I don't think I have ever asked you why you want to be a nurse." I grabbed a soft sided duffel, hoping that it would be lighter. "Not really sure how it happened. You know that I took the CNA training so that I could help with Micah. Well, I got to help out in the hospital as part of my class and I really liked working with the patients. I guess it just seemed like a good way to go." "It suits you. I just always think of nurses as women." "I'm not sure if there is an insult in there or not," he said, laughing. Flustered, I back tracked, "I'm sorry, I just meant that it is kind of an unusual job for a man, but you will make a really good nurse. You have a lot of compassion." "Actually, male nurses are not as unusual as you think. My mom even had a male maternity nurse when she had Ruth. The work is steady and it pays really well, so it is a good job for men to support their families on." "Your mom had a male maternity nurse? How embarrassing." "Not really, she seemed fine with it. I guess he was good at his job." My sleepy eyes popped open. "Are you going to go into maternity nursing?" "I don't think so," he said, wrinkling his nose. "But I haven't completely decided yet." "You would be good in any field, but watching you with your brothers and sister I'm thinking pediatrics." "Wow, that's a long way from Mr. Wallace." "Good point. Don't tell him I suggested it." We laughed. * * * With the truck unloaded, it was time to pitch in and set the table for dinner. Brother Cole would be home soon. His arrival was hard to miss because Ruth went bursting through the front door, "Daddy's home!" "Wow! That was enthusiastic." I said, looking after her. "Yeah, it's that 'I'm so glad when Daddy comes home' song. Mom starts brainwashing us with that one while we are still in a bassinet." "I heard that," Sister Cole called from the kitchen. Anna appeared in the entryway and Mark scooped her up and went out into the yard so that they could greet their Dad, too. Reluctantly, I followed, not wanting to intrude. Brother Cole stepped out of his land barge and it shook. After he put Anna down, Mark received a big bear hug from the large, gentle man. Then the girls each grabbed onto their Daddy's legs and he tried to walk towards the house. "Megan," a booming voice said and I waved shyly at him. "You're destined for a bear hug, Megan. You may as well get it over with," Mark smirked. I walked forward holding out my hand as if for a shake, but of course, Brother Cole hugged me. It wasn't as powerful as the hug he had given Mark, but then, I barely knew him. He handed Mark his briefcase and scooped a girl up in each arm. They both kissed his cheeks. "Welcome to the Coles, Megan," Brother Cole called over his shoulder as he walked toward the house. "Thank you," I called after him. If I thought that Brother Cole was big before, I was shocked beyond coherent speech when I saw Brother and Sister Cole together. Brother Cole dropped both girls to their feet beside the table and walked over to his wife to give her a kiss. He bent down, he bent way down and she obligingly stood on tiptoe. Biting my lip, I tried to control my giggles, but I had never seen such a mismatched couple. Thankfully, they seemed rather focused on the kiss and oblivious to my reaction. Chapter 15 After dinner, it was time for the family meeting. I grabbed my notebook and pen, and found the family sitting in the room just off of the kitchen. There was a fireplace and a sliding glass door to the backyard, but it wasn't quite big enough to be a family room, especially not for this family. Brother Cole sat on the hearth and asked Christian to offer a prayer. Sister Cole also was prepared to take notes. The meeting began with Brother Cole reintroducing me to the family and explaining why I was there. "Megan has some practice at this sort of thing so she will be helping us have the best vacation possible. We leave in a few weeks and we need some opinions." He held his hand up to quiet the excited responses. "We will try to do at least one thing that each of you really wants to do but it has to be reasonable." Sister Cole spoke up, "We are going to California because I have always wanted to show you the mountains there. A trip to Yosemite and to Sequoia and Kings Canyon National parks is already on the list. Let's take turns, youngest first. What would you like to do, Ruth?" "Can we go to the zoo?" She was so hopeful, holding her hands together in a pleading way. Anna's wrinkled up face made me smile. I was pretty sure she was remembering the smell of the last zoo she had been to. Sister Cole wrote it on her list and I wrote it on mine with Ruth's name next to it. Then, I added a note to remind me about Anna's reaction. "Anna?" Brother Cole asked. Anna thought for a minute, "I really want to eat one of the peaches that Mom's always talking about." She licked her lips expectantly. "You know, the really juicy ones you used to eat right off the tree." "That's not very much. Don't you want something else, dear?" Sister Cole coaxed. "Nope, that's it." I made a note in my book. Caleb didn't wait for his name to be called, "Can we go on a roller coaster?" "Sorry son we aren't going to any amusement parks," Brother Cole said. "Oh," Caleb said, a little disappointed. "Then can we go fishing?" "That is a possibility," Brother Cole said approvingly. I wrote down both requests in my book just in case. Maybe we could find a good roller coaster substitute. Brother Cole took a moment with his next son. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Micah, we're going on a trip. Won't that be fun? We will try to do something you like too." He looked around the room at the family, "Any ideas?" "We could go to a concert or something," Christian suggested. "I think he would like to see the monkeys like me!" Ruth said, jumping up and down. "He'll like campfires," Rebekah said. "When I went with Megan we told stories and sang songs." "I think he would like that too. But we will need to do it before it gets too dark or he might get scared," Mark agreed. "We have some good suggestions. Let's move on," Brother Cole said. It was Rebekah's turn. "I don't care what we do as long as I don't have to sleep on the ground." Apparently, no one was surprised by this response. I added it to the list. It was Christian's turn and he began slowly. "Mark and I have been talking... I want to go on a backpacking trip with him." "That's my suggestion too," added Mark. We had gone through everyone so I closed up my notebook preparing to finish the meeting. As I looked up, everyone was staring at me. What was I supposed to do? Did they want me to give them an itinerary now? The dinner in my stomach was starting to churn with nerves. "What about you, Megan? What would you like to do?" Oh, they were giving me a chance to pick something. Immediately, I relaxed. "I'm fine. I think the whole trip sounds wonderful. I want one of those peaches, too. My mouth is watering just thinking about it." Brother Cole closed the meeting. Everyone scattered and I opened my book again to look through the list, not sure where to begin. I didn't want to be unprepared the next time. Sister Cole called as she left, "We can talk about the details tomorrow, Megan. Have a good night." The family dispersed and I stood to follow, not quite sure where to go. Mark stopped Christian by the stairs. "So, where are you going on your date tomorrow?" "I have no idea, I want it to be really great," Christian almost whined. "What's her name and what does she like to do?" I asked, jumping into my planning mode and the conversation. "Her name is Allison. She's on the volleyball team and I think she reads a lot. I guess I could take her to a game or a movie or something." "Do you really like her?" Mark asked. Christian nodded. "Then don't be so boring. Anyone can take her to a movie, besides at the movies you don't get to talk." "But then where can I take her?" "You should really ask Megan, she is so good at this stuff." Mark turned it over to me. Christian looked at me expectantly. Thanks, Mark. "Well, I can tell you about some of my favorite things if that would help. Let's see, picnics are always good, and then there is hiking or bike rides. I tried paintball tag last year and it is awesome. That could be a really fun date. There's kite flying, roller skating... lots of things, take your pick." "There's a place to do paintball in the next town." "Do you think Allison would like paintball?" Mark asked. "Sure, she's cool." Christian nodded. Mark and I looked at each other. He rolled his eyes slightly and I offered some advice to Christian. "Now if you are choosing paintball you have to call her tonight and tell her to dress for it." "What should we wear?" "You need grubby clothes, ones you can crawl around in the dirt with and get paint on. They should be comfortable too." Christian turned his head between Mark and me. "We should double." Mark shifted uneasily. "Megan doesn't date." Christian looked confused by this statement, but quickly turned to me and pleaded. "Come on. It will be more fun with you guys there and I want her to have fun." I looked back at Mark who was standing there with one eyebrow cocked at me. "Sure, why not. I like paintball and it isn't as if it would really be a date. We're just helping Christian." Mark's mouth twitched a little at the corners and then he turned to Christian, "Okay, it looks like we're in. What time is the date?" "I told her about four. She wanted to get home early enough to prepare a talk for church. Thanks guys!" Christian hugged me then headed downstairs with the phone in his hand. "Seems we are going out." Mark winked at me. I rolled my eyes. "Do you have the proper clothing Miss," he said. "I think I can manage. You?" "I have plenty of old scrubs that need retiring." "You should wear the bright blue ones, they bring out your eyes," I teased and his eyebrow rose again; his eyes were brown. "Okay, it would just make you an easier target." "Hey, we're going to be on the same team, remember?" "Oh, I was hoping for boys vs. girls." I puckered out my lip and hung my head. He grabbed me in a bear hug reminiscent of the ones I saw Brother Cole give him. I giggled. * * * My meeting with Sister Cole, the next morning, was intense. Getting a large family moving was a big undertaking; no wonder my mom was always late everywhere. We talked briefly about food, but decided to have a special meeting just for planning the menu because Christian was allergic to wheat and Brother Cole was diabetic. There was some basic camping gear they needed to purchase, so we made a list. The biggest things on the list were the tents that we needed. After some discussion, we realized that we couldn't provide Micah with the things he needed in a tent. Sister Cole thought she could borrow her parents' RV and left to call them. They had retired to Nevada and a stop at their house was already on the list. If we could use the RV, Rebekah's desire not to sleep on the ground would be all taken care of, as well. I left the meeting with a list of things to do. I needed to research zoos in the area, and to look for campgrounds that could accommodate both tents and an RV. There was also the backpacking trip to organize. Sister Cole had decided to see if she could find an old ward member who owned an orchard. Maybe Anna would get to pick her peach right off the tree, just like her mom had. * * * That afternoon we were decked out in our grubby clothes and heading for the paintball field. Mark and I were squished into the back seat of Christian's car. No one was talking. "So have you ever played paintball before?" I asked, hoping to start the conversation. Allison gave a timid, "No, but I have always wanted to try. It looks fun." She looked beseechingly at Christian who stared at the road. I wondered if we were cramping his style. In the day that I had known him, he hadn't seemed shy, but I really didn't know him all that well. I looked over at Mark with the same beseeching look. I didn't want to embarrass Christian with one of my jokes. "Christian says you're on the volleyball team. How did you guys do this year?" Mark jumped in, trying to start the conversation. "Okay, I guess. We didn't quite have the power this year that we had last year," Allison's voice trailed off as she turned to look out her side window. She was obviously nervous too. Remembering that feeling, I smiled. This at least was one aspect of dating I was not going to miss. Mark pressed on. "He also says you like to read. What have you been reading lately?" "Mostly books for school," It looked like we had come to another dead end but then she continued, "I just started this really great book, though..." The rest of the ride was filled with a detailed account of the mystery that Allison was reading. Finally, coming out of her shell, she talked animatedly and even turned in her seat so that she could see all of us a bit better. Christian remained quiet, but at least he acted interested. Mark was attentive with questions and comments that made Allison light up. When we arrived, I unbent myself from the back seat, feeling relieved, and then turned to find Mark attempting the same feat. I realized that he was at least eight inches taller than me, most of which was leg and that the back was a lot more cramped for him. It reminded me of when we first met. Thinking I could help him out, I yanked hard on his arms and we both fell to the ground laughing. Christian stared at us in horror; I guessed that we were being embarrassing. "Well at least we broke our clothes in," I said, standing up and brushing off. After we were instructed in the rules and how to use our equipment, we were turned loose to play a game of capture the flag. I was helping Allison with her safety gear when Christian spoke up, "I call Megan!" Mark and I stared at each other dumbfounded. This was not a scenario we had pictured. Mark thinking quickly said, "Okay, then I get Allison. Come on Allison let's take the far field." Thankfully, Mark handled it so smoothly it seemed planned. Walking past Christian, he shook his head. "Nice, Christian," I said, when they were out of earshot. "What?" he asked, bewildered. "You should have teamed with Allison; you know... your date." "But you've played this before; I have a better chance with you." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "Christian sometimes it's not about winning. Let's get going." I turned and headed to the fort at the south end of the field where our flag would be placed. "You stay here and guard. I'll go after their flag," Christian said, grabbing his gun and heading up the field. "Christian, wait. A direct assault is going to get you shot. Come here and let's plan." I grabbed a stick and drew the field with the two towers and the woods that lay on either side. The woods were only about 50 feet wide but it was enough for cover. "Now they're going to be going through the woods too, so you have to try not to get caught. If you go down the open field, they can get you from the cover of the trees. So it's a fifty-fifty shot on which woods we choose. The smart thing to do is put your flag at the highest point so that the enemy has to expose themselves to grab it. I can guard from the cover of the trees over here," I said, pointing to the west side of the field. "You should take the east so that you can get them it they come from that side. Let me get into position, then you start. And keep your head down." Christian nodded and then ran off before I had even made it to the trees. He definitely had a mind of his own. I searched until I found a fallen log. Laying down behind it, I rested my gun on the log and waited. This was the part that I loved. Although I preferred to be on the offensive, the anticipation of an intruder made this post a rush. As I tried to heighten all my senses, sounds can to me. There was a rustling in the brush that I was pretty sure was coming from the east woods. I hoped that Christian was on his guard. I was starting to feel a little jumpy as the minutes passed. I tried to stay still and alert. Surely, they would be closing in soon. In the distance, I heard a loud, "Oh, man! I'm out." It was Christian. Now I had no team member to retrieve the flag. I thought for a minute trying to decide what to do. If I waited until they made a play for the flag, I could pick at least one of them off and have a better chance at an offensive. If I moved toward their flag I might be fast enough to get their before they got ours, but I didn't know what kind of head start they had already. Fun won out over reason. In the end, going for the flag seemed like more fun. Jumping up and walking in a crouched position, I moved from tree to tree listening all the while for movement from my opponents. I heard a step once so I quickly ducked behind a tree, staying low. I stayed crouched for a minute or so listening, but I didn't hear anything else, so I continued. About half way through the woods, I looked back quickly towards our fort hoping that our flag was still waving. Pleased that I could still see it, I started again toward my target. A moment later, I was shot in the back. How had they gotten behind me? I looked around and saw Mark standing out from behind his tree and blowing across the top of his gun barrel as if he was Clint Eastwood. "I'm hit. Game over," I called out. "Not quite, I still need to get your flag." "I can't believe it, all those years playing capture the flag with my brothers and you actually snuck up on me." "It's all about being patient." He smiled, "I've been waiting here since the beginning." "So, you're guarding the flag? Then who shot Christian?" "Commander Allison," he grinned and then we both chuckled. I may have lost at capture the flag, but my total for the week was going to be big thanks to this guy. There was a cry of victory. We looked to see Allison walking casually through the open field carrying our flag back to her fort. "Now it's game over." Mark winked. The game had gone so quickly that we decided to play again. Mark suggested, before any more social mistakes could be made, "We should change teams, you guys need some lessons in strategy. Allison and I can help you there." Christian jumped up from the ground where he had been sitting. "Okay, I get Allison. That was some shot," he said, rubbing his shoulder where a splatter of pink paint still remained. They walked to the south end fort and the game began again. This time the game took a lot longer, everyone was feeling very cautious and movement was slow. At least, I assumed it was caution, but it could have been conversation. Just for fun, Mark and I had decided to take the west woods together leaving our flag unguarded. I shot a tree once in his defense, but we never did see the other team. They must have been just bit faster than we were, because our flag was gone by the time we reached theirs. We hurried down the fort ladder and ran for our home base through the open field. It was risky, but we were having a great time. Half way across the field, we were picked off by a sniper in the east woods. We flopped on the ground panting from our exertions, and laughing while Allison once again gained a victory. On the way home, we stopped to eat. Allison and Christian were talking energetically as they sat down at a small table outside. I walked over to the edge of the parking lot looking out towards the mountains. Mark followed. "It is pretty here," I said and Mark nodded agreement, looking out over the same view. "Allison is lucky she had such a nice date like you." "Yeah, I'm just so awesome I can take two girls on one date." I gently slapped his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me and squeezed. "You did good. They look like they are getting along great now." "Well, he is my brother," Mark said, blowing on his knuckles and brushing them on his coat. I giggled. He sobered, shaking his head, "And the kid was just so clueless." I nodded emphatically at that. * * * Work started for both of us on Monday. I was teaching after-school groups of the cutest little Level 2 kids. They were so excited to be learning that they could actually swim. My mornings were free, so I spent them researching for the trip and helping Sister Cole around the house. One day, I was helping Sister Cole fold some laundry when she said, "Megan, can I ask you something?" "Sure," I said. "Forgive me, but Mark said you were having some problems. I just wondered if you are feeling better." Oh, no! What had he told her? Then, I looked up into her caring eyes and I figured she would know how I felt. Maybe I could talk to her. "How much did he tell you?" "Enough," she said smiling. "He was concerned about you and thought I might know what to do." "Sounds like Mark. He is always trying to make things better." "Yes, he is a bit of a busy body." Laughing at the unflattering description that I had used myself, I realized it didn't fit. Mark always acted because he cared and that just wasn't the same thing as being a busy body. "My sister in law is having a baby," I said, feeling a little guilty because it still hurt. "Yep, I've been through that one. It does get better. I don't even think about it anymore. A household of kids keeping you busy takes your mind off things. Still before Ruth..." She looked into the distance for a moment, remembering. "I was occasionally sad because I thought I would never feel a baby move inside me or vomit up my breakfast like everyone else having kids around me." "What did you do?" "Well, sometimes I just cried and sometimes I got mad, but always I just kept doing what I needed to. Of course, now I have had that experience. But each one of our kids was an experience all their own. When we brought Mark home from the hospital, I had no idea what I was doing. You would think that by the time we had Ruth it would be all figured out, but each child has brought their own challenges." "Can I ask a personal question?" "Of course, ask me anything." Her response was genuine and I felt like I was talking to a dear sister. "My parents are always talking about how great it will be when we are all grown up and they are alone again. I mean, they love us, but they want..." I trailed off not knowing how to finish. Sister Cole smiled knowingly at me and nodded her head. "I was just wondering why you adopted a child that can never live on his own. Sorry, I love Micah, he is so sweet, but what made you make that choice when you didn't have to?" "When we decided to adopt, John and I knew that our family would be eternal. We prayed for help to find the children that were supposed to be part of our family and then we listened for the answers. Sometimes the answers were hard. We've turned down several adoption opportunities over the years because it didn't feel right. There are so many children out there that need love. I wished I could bring them all home. But when we did find the child that was ours, we knew it and we just accepted the challenges. We have always made the other kids part of the process so that they would know that their new brother or sister was theirs to keep and that Heavenly Father had sent them." "You and Brother Cole must have a lot of faith." "Sometimes, we stumble just like everyone else. Some days, I wish I could run away." I laughed. "My mom says the same thing." I made a mental note to find some alone time for Sister Cole on the trip. "Did you know before you got married that you were going to have problems having kids?" "No. We discovered it after a couple of years of trying. Those were hard years and then when we found out, I felt guilty. I couldn't help feeling as if it was all my fault. Father's Days were worse than Mother's Days because I felt like I was the reason John would never be a father." I nodded my head in agreement. I knew exactly how she felt. She continued, "So here you sit with the knowledge and guilt. Is that why you don't date or is it still Andy?" "No, it's not Andy. I don't think I ever loved him. I can't date because I can't fall in love and get married like anyone else. No one deserves to be stuck with me and my problems." It still hurt to say it, but talking to Sister Cole, well, at least she understood. "That is a tough one. If I had known before I was married, I may have felt the same way. It took me several years before I realized that Heavenly Father didn't think I was damaged, and neither did John. I was the only one that needed convincing. John just kept telling me to have hope and he was right. Hope has never let me down. Maybe you shouldn't give up on life just yet." She smiled at me, scooped up a stack of clothes and went to deliver it to the girls' room. Chapter 16 Sister Cole had given me some things to think about. I rode my bike to work that afternoon without the normal mp3 distraction, so that I could think about hope. It was the last day of class for this group. As I gave them their final swim test and filled out their certificates, I pondered. Many of the kids gave me hugs as they left and thanked me. It was always rewarding to help them learn something that I enjoyed so much. Looking at the Idaho countryside on the way home, I could see beauties everywhere. There was certainly a lot of evidence for hope if I looked hard enough for it, but my hurts were still there, even if I was feeling them less lately. I pulled on my sweats for sleeping and grabbed my scriptures, quietly exiting the teenage domain of Rebekah. She was in a heated debate with her friend Katie about a 'he said she said' thing that had happened at school. The sitting room with the fireplace was surprisingly quiet given the house's usual liveliness. I sat on the end of the couch nearest the lamp, tucked my legs underneath myself, and opened my D&C. I hadn't quite gotten out of the habit of chronological study. It just made so much more sense to me when I could place things in their context, but I had just recently studied the D&C in class so I felt a little more aware and able to pick and choose. For some reason, I opened to Section 121. My habit of daily scripture reading was only three years old and some nights it still turned into the obligatory chapter. During my darker months this winter, I had stopped reading all together. I was still trying to reestablish the habit. The front door opened as I finished my prayer. It must be Mark coming home from work. He had begun a full time schedule of shifts at the nursing home in the neighboring town, the first week we were back. Perking up, I realized that I had missed him so much this last week. He must have found the house unusually quiet as well because he began a room by room search. Passing through the kitchen, he spotted me and came over. I smiled up at him. Seeing my scriptures and being unwilling to break the odd quiet, he whispered, "Where is everyone?" "Rebekah is in her room on the phone." He rolled his eyes at that news. "And I think everyone else is down in the family room watching a movie," I said, pointing through the floor to the basement. He nodded his head quietly and backed out of the room. I guessed he was going down to join them. I wanted to follow him, but my reading times had been so erratic lately with all the family hustle and bustle. I really needed to discipline myself. Still, with Mark home, it was harder. I liked his company. I tried not to make deals with myself about speeding up so that I could join them–that would just reward my hurried study. Looking back down at my scriptures, I began to read. Heavy breathing stole my attention. It was Mark, changed out of his scrubs and carrying his scriptures. He was all breathless, apparently from his speedy change. His smile was brilliant as I looked at him, puzzled. "Can I join you? Where are you reading?" He was walking forward now not waiting for a response. He climbed into the chair positioned under the same lamp with a sigh. "Tough day?" I could see now that he looked very tired. "Tough, but good." He answered then removed his triple from its case still closely looking at my scriptures for where to turn. I woke up mentally at that point and gave him the reference. "I am in D&C 121, you know, Liberty Jail." He quickly turned to the chapter and I could see that he was still using his mission scriptures because the markings were extensive. My own scriptures were only occasionally marked, except for my Book of Mormon that I had marked for a religion class. He looked up at me. "How do you want to do this?" I motioned for him to read and he began. He read until the end of verse 10 and I spoke up. "Poor Joseph," I said. This frequently quoted verse always made me feel bad for him. "The last thing I would want to be told in my pain and suffering was that I should just deal, because someone else had it much worse. There is always someone who has it worse, but that doesn't change that you are still hurting." Mark looked at me, carefully listening to what I was saying. He more intently leaned over his scriptures and said with enthusiasm, "But Megan, you have missed verse 7." I quickly reread the verse and looked puzzled up at him. He read it out loud and then commented. "See it says 'My son, peace be unto thy soul'." Hearing the word peace spoken with the emphasis that Mark placed upon it, I finally understood. In all my years of hearing this scripture, I had given it the most mundane meaning. I had assumed it was Heavenly Father's way of calming down Joseph so that he could talk; the same way a parent might say 'listen'. But my understanding changed with that one word. When the Lord offers peace it is very real and Joseph must have received some instant comfort from the Holy Ghost. Tears filled my eyes as I saw God's love and power in that simple line. I tried not to look up into Mark's waiting face. "Oh, I get it," I softly said. We continued to read on, but I still felt awed by this personal revelation. I was having my own moment of peace and the feelings of God's love were almost overwhelming. My reflective moments came to a stop as we heard the family noisily ascending the stairs. The movie must be over. We hastily finished the last couple of verses and he put his scriptures away. Before I closed mine, I took my red pencil and highlighted verse 7. The family walked into the kitchen just as I was zipping up my case. "There you two are," came the booming voice of Brother Cole. "Want to join us for root beer floats?" Broad smiles spread across our faces and we nodded our heads. I said, "That sounds great! They're my favorite." Reaching in to turn off the lamp, my hand met Mark's under the shade. He apparently had the same impulse. He moved his hand aside to allow me to turn the switch and gently ran his finger over the back of my hand. My heart jumped and I felt heat rising in my face. We looked at each other for a moment before the voice of Sister Cole interrupted. "Mark, could you help me with Micah?" He jumped up to get his brother and I was relieved to be able to breathe normally again. * * * The loud, friendly, familiar sounds of family surrounded the big wooden table in the dining area. Rebekah had emerged from her room without the phone attached to her ear and the family was complete. I stared around at the faces that had become so dear to me. Each was very different in its appearance, yet they all seemed like they belonged. When I looked at the Coles, I saw family. Mark was trying to include Micah in the fun even though he couldn't partake of the floats. A look on the boy's face as his eyes darted back and forth following the boisterous sounds of the joking conversation. I knew he was seeing what I saw. A warm feeling started to fill me. The peaceful feelings returned and I had to excuse myself for a moment. I went into Rebekah's room and knelt to thank Heavenly Father for the Coles and for the peace of the Spirit. When I returned, Brother Cole had just flung his root beer foam at the unsuspecting Christian. It was clear, war was about to break out when Sister Cole piped up with a timely, "Bedtime." The sounds of disappointment rang through the room, as a smile curled on her lips. Brother Cole led the family prayer and then Sister Cole put her arms around Anna and Ruth. "Come on girls, you have school tomorrow." They walked off toward the hall. Mark began the process of getting Micah to his room. Since he had been home, Mark had resumed his routine of singing to Micah every night before bed. Sometimes if things had quieted down enough, I could hear the simple Primary melodies and hymns carrying through the house. Sometimes I even stood outside the door to listen. Caleb finished in the bathroom and I went in to brush my teeth. On my way out, I ran into Mark who was placing the bulky wheelchair in the entryway where it would stay for the night. He touched me lightly on the arm as he headed back to the boys room. Pausing, he said, "Don't go to bed yet." He looked so serious, but as he walked through the door, he was all smiles and jokes. I lingered in the hall a few moments to hear him sing. He started with 'Love is spoken here.' I quietly sang the second verse, my favorite, with him. I hoped no one heard. Then, I drifted back to the dining area to start cleaning up. Christian and Brother Cole had already made a big dent in the mess. I walked into the kitchen with a glass in each hand, just in time to catch a splash of water coming from the sink's spray nozzle aimed at Brother Cole. Christian straightened up quickly and apologized, looking rather guilty. Normally as a guest in someone's home, I would never dream of retaliating, but ... the Coles were beginning to feel like family. I calmly walked over and placed the glasses in the sink. Christian moved out of my way still acting a bit sheepish. Brother Cole had gone quiet and was busy wiping down the counter, he seemed to feel a bit guilty too. This would be my chance to catch them off guard. In one motion, I grabbed the spray nozzle, spun around, and squirted Christian before he could react. Brother Cole burst out with a laugh and Christian grabbed my arm trying to aim the spray at me. We were laughing and spraying water everywhere. When Mark walked in, Christian was behind me with his arms around me trying to grab the hose. I was trying my best to keep it from him, but the boy was strong. I had at least stopped the water flow so that the mess wouldn't get any worse. Mark raised an eyebrow in my direction and it was my turn to look sheepish. Sister Cole walked in behind Mark and went out again. She was probably upset by the mess. I should have followed my manners lessons after all. "No, Christian. You are doing it all wrong," Mark said, rushing toward the nozzle. Before I figured out what was happening, I was beaten. There was no hope when they combined against me. It reminded me of the twins; that was one of their favorite tactics. Sister Cole returned with towels and a smirk on her face. Thankfully, she didn't seem upset. We each got a towel and started to clean up our mess. Brother Cole was rescued from the scene by Sister Cole grabbing his hand. She stretched up to kiss his cheek and led him from the room. Down on our hands and knees mopping up the water, I looked up from my task to find Mark looking at me. I stuck my tongue out at him and he grinned. Christian kept trying to swat me and Mark with his wet towel. Mark gave him an authoritative glare and Christian stopped. When the mess was mopped up, Mark sent Christian packing with a promise that he would play a game of one on one with him Saturday morning. "I thought we could take a walk?" He said it in a tone of asking permission. Looking down at my soaked clothes, I debated, but it was a nice night and I really wanted to go. "Sure, I can't think of a better way to dry off." With that, he grabbed my hand, pulled me up from the floor, and we went to the entry to put on our shoes. Mine were at the bottom of the pile. Were there really that many feet in this house? "Back later," he called to his parents who were snuggling on the living room couch. He guided me out the front door with his hand on the small of my back. I felt a burst of joy to feel it there and I tried to check myself. This was one thing that hadn't gotten easier since I had come to the Coles. Now more than ever I craved Mark's company. The sun was starting to set and the rural street wasn't really well lit. I began to wonder if this was such a good idea. Mark closed the door and came up behind me. He slipped his hand into mine. I liked it so much, I gave up fighting it for the moment. Looking up into his face, I saw a question, 'Is this okay?' I gave him a genuine smile and hoped I knew what I was doing. We walked for a while in silence. Then he sighed. "So work was tough? What happened? Want to talk about it?" I asked, curious about his mood and to find out what had made him decide to be so affectionate. Work seemed like a good place to start. "One of the men I take care of is dying." My shoulders hunched as he spoke. "He has been sick for a long time. His family has started coming from all over to say their last goodbyes. I guess talking to him and his family has just made me a little melancholy. It is just so sad, the wasted time. Do you know that some of them haven't seen him for ten years?" "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" I was anxious to help him as he had always helped me. "It just made me think. I'm great now." He squeezed my hand. "Scripture study with you was just what I needed." "I needed it too. You helped me understand better." He opened his mouth to say something then closed it again, changing his mind. The mood was so serious and I was in danger of snuggling into his arm, so to lighten it, I poked him in the ribs and blurted out, "What?" He took the bait and I started to run away to escape his reaching hands. His long legs caught me, a little faster than I expected, and he pulled me close to him in a hug. I was out of breath and confused. Nothing had ever felt so wonderful, and yet my old problems were still there. "You really shouldn't run down a country road in the dark," he said, in a mock seriousness and then his voice changed. "And you should never run away from me." I shook my head, sad that this wonderful moment had to end so soon. "It sounds wonderful, but it won't work. I couldn't ask you to give up...." I trailed off, fighting back tears, defeated. I tried to pull myself away from him, my head down. I'd been fooling myself; this wasn't getting any easier. It was always going to hurt. He held me tightly in his grasp. "What's this? I thought you were finally understanding." With his hand, he lifted my chin so that he could look into my eyes, but I couldn't meet his gaze. There was so much I wanted, and sadly, so much that I couldn't have. He continued, "Okay, that's it." He dragged me off the road and sat me down under a nearby tree. Sitting himself beside me, he huffed. "Andy is my friend, but frankly he is an idiot." My eyes went wide. What was he saying? "I don't understand." I had never heard Mark say a bad word about anyone, especially his best friend. He reached across and grabbed my hands. "I have wanted to say that for a long time," he said with a sigh. "You are so great, anyone who would let you go is... well, an idiot." "But Andy was right. It isn't fair to ask anyone to give up children for me." "Megan, did my parents give anything up?" he asked me in a frustrated tone. "Your family is wonderful. I love being here with them, but that doesn't change the fact that..." I started to protest. He reached up and stopped my lips with his fingers. "My parents have built a family differently than most, but that doesn't make it any less precious. I tend to think that is makes it more precious. Where would I, or any of my brothers and sisters, be without them? They have given us a family for eternity. I could pick this life in a heartbeat. Could you?" Swallowing hard, I tried to think about how I really felt. Something had been changing in me for some time. Something had been...healing. I knew that healing had come from the Lord and his answers. He answered me through Christy, Mr. Wallace, my dad and this wonderful family. Was Mark really offering me acceptance? Did I dare let go of the walls that had been building this year and let myself be loved? I cried while Mark stroked the back of my hand and waited for me to get it all out. "I love you, Megan," he said in an almost whisper. "It has been painful to watch your light go out. But I am sure that I see it lit again and getting brighter. Please let me be there to watch you glow again." My crying redoubled, but I was smiling through my tears. He drew me in close to him and I cried on his shoulder, leaving a huge wet spot on his shirt. Pulling my face away with an apologetic look I said, "Sorry about your shirt." "Yeah, I know you were just trying to get back at me for the water fight in the kitchen," he said with a grin. He was good at making me laugh and I wiped the tears off my face. He reached out and grabbed my chin in his hand again. This time he pulled my face closer to his and gently his lips touched mine. My shoulder relaxed and I nearly melted into a gooey puddle on the ground. "Thank you," I said, hoping that he would hear all the meaning behind those simple words. My soul sighed in contentment, as I shook off the terror of being lonely that had haunted me. Maybe it didn't have to be that way. We walked home hand in hand and I worked hard at wiping my swollen eyes clear. Hopefully Mark's parents wouldn't still be in the living room when we entered. The porch light was welcoming us home. I was sure that once we were in the bright light again, I would look a mess and he would look as wet as I still was from the kitchen battle. He stopped me just before we reached the halo of light that emanated from the porch. Facing me, he reached up and brushed my hair where it had fallen on my face. Then he leaned in and kissed me just as gently as before. This time I wasn't surprised and I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him back. "You snuck up on me again," I whispered. He smiled, "It's all about timing and patience." When we walked in it wasn't late, but the living room was empty. Sister Cole still had one more day of seminary. Reluctantly we said goodnight. Things may be new and different, but tomorrow we still had to go to work. Trying to be quiet, I climbed into my sleeping bag on the floor. "You really like Mark, don't you?" Rebekah wasn't asleep yet. I laid there all tucked in and wondered how to respond. I brushed my lips with my fingers, smiling. "I like him very much." "Good!" Rebekah said with a yawn. It was a while before I fell asleep. My mind wouldn't settle down. I was busy thinking about healing, peace, acceptance, love, and Mark. Chapter 17 I spent all day Friday trying to shake the warm fuzzies from my head. It wasn't because they weren't pleasant, but because a distracted swim instructor is not a good thing. At least it was a free swim day for the kids, so I didn't need to give any instructions. I made it through work without any disasters and I rode my bike back to the Coles. I was free now to dream about my knight. At first, I thought that this all started yesterday or maybe even a week ago. But the more I thought of Mark, the more my heart warmed with memories and the more the feelings of peace returned. My suspicions also increased as I reviewed those memories. Had he been trying to tell me for a long time how he felt? I was practically floating through the house at dinner; good thing that Mark was at work, because I wasn't brave enough to face the reality of my feelings just yet. This way I got to enjoy just the idea of being wanted; and not only wanted, but wanted by someone so amazing, someone I wanted, too. Mark's family was polite, but they all looked at me as if I was crazy when they saw what must have been a delirious look on my face and the way I was moving in a fog. It didn't help that they had to repeat everything to me. I tried a little harder after dinner to be part of the conversation, but the Coles had stopped trying to talk to me. Taking the trash out gave me a chance to be alone and compose myself before Mark made it home. While I was outside, I climbed a nearby apple tree and curled up in the limbs. In the quiet of that moment, it was nice to sit and considered my blessings. How had I gotten here? My life felt like a paint by numbers that I had thought was a jumbled mess until Heavenly Father put the last few colors in to reveal a beautiful picture. Surely, I hadn't been moving towards this point since I was 16. But in this moment, everything fit together so perfectly that I wasn't sure. I prayed again with so much gratitude in my heart. For the first time in a long time, I knew that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and guiding me with his hand. Then remorse came for the dark thoughts that had driven my depression this winter. Dark was right, I had pushed the light right out of my life. I pleaded for the forgiving power of my Savior. As I did, I was completely filled up with light. I thanked Heavenly Father for the gift of forgiveness and sat in the tree appreciating the warmth of that light. Mark's truck pulled into the drive. I stayed where I was, like a coward, and let him go inside. He came out a few minutes later and stood on the porch looking around. Realizing that he was looking for me, I felt embarrassed. My cowardly state became more pronounced as I hid among the foliage. When he went back inside, I took a deep breath, climbed out of the tree and sneaked around to the back of the house. He saw me as he came to the sliding glass door heading out to look for me. "Hi, you're home," I said brightly, but feeling devious. "Yeah, are you okay? I was looking for you. They said you've been gone for a while." "I'm fine," I said and because I hated to lie, "I was in the apple tree enjoying some quiet time." "Oh, I didn't see you." "I know," I said lowering my eyes, "I was hiding." "Hiding? From me?" I watched his eyes turn sad. Wanting to make it better, I explained, "Not exactly, I just wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet. I've been working some things out." He seemed to understand and his face relaxed. "Scriptures?" I asked, hoping that he would know that time with him was important. "Scriptures," he agreed. "Just let me get changed." * * * The next day was Saturday and it was not the happiest day in the Cole house. The long week had left the younger kids cranky. Ruth had cried and carried on when Sister Cole had taken Anna shopping instead of her. Brother Cole had taken the boys out into the garage for some woodworking. Christian grumbled as they went. Mark spent the morning trying to cheer Micah up, but he just whimpered and cried. Sitting next to them, I offered assistance where I could. Mark took Micah to his room for a few minutes to change him and make sure he wasn't in physical discomfort. When they returned, I joined Mark in singing to Micah. Then I read him a story. He really liked the pictures in If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Ruth seemed to like that one too. She moved into the room from where she was hiding in the kitchen. I welcomed her over by holding out my arm and she snuggled in on my lap. Mark went into the kitchen to prepare a formula feeding for Micah while I read Ruth another story. Nervously, I watched Mark expose the feeding tube and wait for the formula to drain. It wasn't as bad as I expected and Mark was so gentle whenever he cared for Micah. The feeding hadn't calmed Micah as we'd hoped, so we went back to singing. Mark showed me how to rub some of the tension out of Micah's arms and I helped as we sang. After three or four songs, I looked up to see Christian in the sliding glass doorway. He was covered in sawdust and looking expectantly at Mark. "Ready," he asked, hopefully. "I'm sorry, Christian. I can't right now," he said, looking from Christian to Micah as if to indicate what was holding him up. "What's the matter Micah?" Christian said, coming in the door and heading for his little brother. "Having a bad day?" It moved me that even this self-absorbed teen could be so loving to his brother. "You don't have to postpone your game," I said, feeling brave. "Ruth and I will keep Micah entertained. Won't we, Micah?" Mark studied me. "Are you sure?" I gave him a gentle shove. "You promised," I reminded him. He and Christian jumped up and were out the door in a flash. I could hear them starting to tease each other as they headed for the court. Ruth produced a large pile of picture books and we began to read. Occasionally, I could hear the happy sounds of the brotherly competition on the court. After the fourth book, I looked over to find that Micah had fallen asleep. I moved Ruth from my lap and she ran off to play. I called out the back door, "Mark, Micah fell asleep, should we move him to his bed?" "I've got it," he waved. "We're done here." He tossed the ball at Christian and started toward the house. "Next time you're going down!" Christian taunted. Before going to Micah, Mark walked straight to me, kissed me firmly, backed away, and smiled. His smiles made me feel dizzy and very happy. I needed to find some way to score them differently in my totals. He pushed Micah's chair through the kitchen towards the hall. I followed him, stopping in the kitchen briefly for a glass of water. All that reading had made me thirsty. Mark was backing out of the boys' room and closing the door before I had even reached the hall. He walked up to me and grabbed my hand as we turned to go and enjoy the beautiful morning outside. "You're wonderful," he whispered, kissing my cheek. I blushed under his touch and praise. "It makes me feel so happy to see the way you care about Micah; about all of my brothers and sisters." "Why wouldn't I?" Spying a basketball, I scooped it up and ran towards the court. I hollered over my shoulder, "How about a game?" His response was a swift sprint to the court after me. "Okay, first person to ten wins," I explained. "What do they win?" he inquired, looking very interested. "If I win I get another kiss and if you win I will tell you a secret." "Tough choice," he complained. "Then I guess you had better play your best and just see what happens." To say that we were evenly matched would be a gross overstatement, but I did manage to hold my own for the first few shots. I suspected that he was just being careful not to foul me, but I used the advantage willingly. He started to see that I was getting too far ahead and I didn't touch the ball for a few baskets while he caught up. I decided to play a little ruthlessly hoping to keep the game even. "Fouls don't count!" I called, as I traveled shamelessly. He caught on quickly grabbing me around the waist and turning me just as I got my shot off. Unfortunately, the ball didn't go in and the score stood at six all. It was Mark's turn with the ball, and I made sure that the fouls kept coming. I yanked at his arms and pulled at the ball with enough force that I pulled it away. Another basket for me, and the score stood at eight to six. Mark was faster this time and charged the basket before I could get in the way; a simple lay-up and the score stood at eight all. It was my turn with the ball and I lost it quickly now that Mark knew how dirty I played. He was just going up for a basket when I got in front of him to block. I suddenly saw a way that we could both win. Just as he raised his arms for a basket I jumped up, kissed his nose and smiling said, "I love you, Mark." He dropped the ball and stared at me trying to decide if I was serious or not. Taking the advantage my timely secret had just given me, I scooped the ball up, turned and shot. "I win, where is my kiss?" I said, almost laughing. Mark was tongue tied and stunned. Still staring, he searched my face for any kind of denial, but I trust he found none. "Really?" was all he could get out and even that sounded a bit too husky for him. "Yes, I love you so much." I got my kiss then. "I feel like celebrating," Mark said as he grabbed my waist and spun me around before pulling me into a bear hug. "Oh, I'm sorry. I promised my parents I would babysit tonight while they chaperone the stake dance. We will have to settle for a rented movie, I guess." "That's okay. I don't mind as long as we are together." It was getting easier to see myself happy and together with Mark. "Hey, Mark. Dad wants you." It was Christian calling from the garage. We walked hand in hand to the garage back door. I couldn't help looking up at him and enjoying the bewildered smile on his face. We entered the woodworking shop. Having never been in there, I was surprised at how extensive it was; large power tools filled one half of the two car garage. "Oh, good, Mark. I need you to do some gluing for me. Christian just finished the carving." Brother Cole was dressed in some denim coveralls and his head was beaded with sweat. "Hi, Megan," he added when he looked up and saw me. "What are you guys making?" I looked around curiously at the piles of lumber and the various saws and power tools. I was definitely out of my depths in here. But the smell was incredible. I inhaled deeply; it reminded me of the woods. "Hope chests," Brother Cole answered, handing the pieces to Mark and showing him where they were to go on the plain wooded box standing on some newspaper. "Do people still make those?" I asked, surprised. "Dad does," Mark said, smiling up at his father. "You can never have too much hope," Brother Cole said. Mark mouthed the words at the same time, as if this were a practiced ritual. "Wow, those carvings are really amazing," I said, noticing the intricate scroll work that Mark now held in his hands. "Yeah, Christian has a knack. Mark tried his hand at carving but his results were... well let's just say we found that he is definitely our best gluer." Brother Cole smiled broadly and ducked as a shop rag flew from Marks vicinity towards his head. "Thanks, Dad." "Who are the hope chests for?" The guys had been out in the workshop quite a bit in the last couple of weeks, and it looked like there were several in progress. "This one is Rebekah's," Mark said as he carefully placed the gluey pieces in the chosen spots. "We are almost done with it." "We figured we may as well get started on Anna's and Ruth's while we're at it," Brother Cole added. "The carvings on Anna's are taking a really long time. Christian wants them to be just right." It was the first time that I had noticed Caleb sitting on the ground in the corner sanding something. "Oh, hi Caleb, I didn't see you there." "Dad's got me doing what he calls the grunt work today," he said with shining eyes. An idea had been brewing in my head for a few minutes, and I thought that Caleb might be just the person to help me with it. "Are you going to be busy for a while?" I asked Mark. He sighed, "I think so. There are lots of little pieces here." "Good." I smiled a little as his face fall. "I mean, I have a couple of errands to run. Brother Cole, can I borrow Caleb?" "Sure, he's worked hard. An afternoon with a lovely lady would be just right." Brother Cole winked at me and Caleb jumped up dusting sawdust off. I walked a couple of steps forward and I placed a kiss on Mark's forehead. It earned me a sunny smile from him and a cocked eyebrow from Brother Cole. "You should open up the garage door," I suggested. "That glue smells strong." Caleb and I exited the workshop. It was time to fill him in on my plan. When we reached the house, Caleb went downstairs to get a few things from Mark's room. I went straight to Rebekah's room to get my purse. Rebekah was in a crabby mood today because she was writing a paper she had put off until the last minute. I tried to get my things quickly and then give her some space. Sister Cole and Anna were not home yet from shopping so the house was quiet as I fumbled around looking for Mark's keys. I found them under the heap of papers on the table. Yelling down to Caleb that I would meet him at the truck, I headed back to the garage. I overheard Mark and his dad talking as I neared the garage. "That's great son, how do you want to handle it?" There was a pause and then Mark's voice sighed, "I guess I will break in the new tent." "Okay, I will help you set it up in a little while." Brother Cole was grinning as I entered the garage, carrying my purse and Mark's keys. Mark's head popped up from his gluing work. "Hi," I said. "Mark could I borrow your truck for a little while?" "Sure, do you want me to go with you?" There was so much hope in his voice. It felt nice. "No, you finish up here. We won't be long." Then as an afterthought, I turned to Brother Cole. "Caleb's coming too, okay?" "Sure, like I said he's earned it. Was Micah up yet?" He asked as he put away some of his tools. "Not that I could tell. All was quiet." "Well, I had better head into the house, anyway. I have chores to do before Rachel gets home. You know how she can get when I spend too much time in the workshop," he said to Mark. Dusting himself off, he walked out the now open large garage door. I waved to Mark and followed through the door to where the truck was parked. Caleb was already there waiting for me. It took me a minute to review in my head where all the gears were and then we backed out for our errands. I reached the end of the driveway and was putting the car into first gear when I looked up and saw Mark in the garage doorway. I waved again and he returned it. It didn't take long for Caleb and me to find what we were looking for. With few store selections, we settled on a dollar store that turned out to have everything we needed. Caleb pushed the cart as I filled it up with chips, cookies and balloons; even finding some fun flashlights for the little girls to use on the camping trip. I grabbed a few personal items I was running low on; hair scrunchies were at the top of the list – I always managed to lose them somehow. For a moment, I pictured what would happen when I had gone home to Arizona in a couple of weeks. Surely, the Coles would be finding my hair accessories for months. The thought of leaving made me sad. I would miss the Coles, but mostly I would miss Mark. What would happen to us when we were so far apart? Would it prove just an infatuation? Could I bear to avoid someone else at school out of awkwardness? Shaking the thoughts from my mind, I remembered that I was planning a celebration. A celebration of the way Mark and I felt about each other. I knew it was love. Caleb looked at me appalled, as I wiped a tear quickly from my cheek. "Did I do something wrong? Oh, man, Mark is going to kill me!" His honest and hastily spoken words made me laugh. "I'm fine," I assured him. "Let's go buy ourselves a candy bar for all our hard work today." Caleb seemed delighted by the offer and we spent several minutes on that isle picking from all the choices. On the way home, Caleb told me all about school and his friend Jackson. This friend had just reached the highest level on some console game that I was unfamiliar with, but that Caleb described in detail. I reflected that, if I were home, the twins would probably have filled me in on the details by now too. He became more animated as he got more into his story. Apparently, I had been wrong about Caleb, assuming he was very reserved. He was just a little shy. Now that he knew me a little better, it was clear that getting him to stop talking would be the trick. It was easy to ask him questions as he filled the time driving back. As we neared the house, I was anxious to see Mark again. I hadn't completely shaken off my earlier sadness and I needed a hug. I pulled into the driveway next to the large passenger van. Sister Cole and Anna were back from shopping. "Let's get inside, they probably need help unloading the groceries. We can meet secretly later to decorate." Feeling conspiratorial, we left our things in the truck and hurried in. The kitchen was definitely buzzing with bags being unpacked and various cupboards flying open randomly, or at least it seemed that way to me. Mark was not in the middle of this unloading party and that surprised me; he was usually so helpful. In the few weeks I had been here, I hadn't spent much time digging through the cupboards so I wasn't likely to be much help. Sister Cole however found a task for me. "Oh, good, Megan. Could I ask you to take some things downstairs to the storeroom?" "Sure," I said with enthusiasm, happy to help. She gestured toward the pile that was growing in the dining room near the stairs. Grabbing my first load of paper towels and a gallon of vegetable oil, I headed down into the basement. I paused at the bottom of the stairs to fumble for the light. Mark wasn't down here either. He must still be working in the garage. Several trips later, I had most things in the right place. The storeroom was full of shelves, but everything was easy to see. I noticed a clipboard with an inventory list hanging on the wall near the door. Grabbing the pencil that hung off the clip, I filled in the new items. I had taken inventory before at work and this didn't seem too difficult. I double checked the numbers on the items that I had altered just to make sure I had done it right. Then, I replaced the clipboard and went upstairs. Things had settled down in the kitchen; most everything had been put away. Sister Cole had bread and peanut butter out on the counter. She was grabbing the jelly from the refrigerator. I washed my hands and fetched a couple of table knives. The mass production of sandwiches for our late lunch began and Sister Cole casually asked, "So, what is going on with you and Mark these days?" Yikes, what do I say? Everything was so new. I gulped, "I'm not sure. I really like him, and I think he really likes me too." I hoped Sister Cole would be okay with this new development. Sister Cole's mouth bent into a smile, "Yes, I would say that he likes you very much and has for quite a while." What? Did Mark talk to his parents about me? Of course he did. He tells his family everything. I couldn't manage to say anything but "Oh." "He has been worried about you, you know?" she continued. "It is hard to watch someone you love in pain. Our whole family has been praying for you for months." "Thank you," I said almost inaudibly. "I didn't realize so many people cared about me." "We never do when we are hurting. That is part of Satan's plan. He's very good at making us feel alone." "I'm beginning to see that. The weird thing is that I thought it was all me, that they were my thoughts." "When we let discouragement win, Satan wins." "I'm very lucky to have your family and especially Mark in my life or I might still be in darkness." "Do you love him?" She had used the word 'love' – I had been avoiding it thinking that she would think my feelings sudden and not real. But they weren't sudden, I told myself. I had liked Mark from the beginning; I just hadn't seen him that way, not until recently, and then it was impossible with my problems for it to work. But he wanted me anyway, and I was daring to hope. I felt overwhelmed but shook my head 'yes' and asked, "Where is Mark?" Sister Cole gazed toward the kitchen window that overlooked the backyard. I looked to and saw Mark and his Dad wrestling with a large tent. It seemed to be winning. Seeing my mouth open, part in humor, part in surprise, Sister Cole said, "I can finish up here, why don't you go and see if you can give them a hand." I nodded and made my exit. Out on the patio, Micah sat facing the fumbling men. Walking up to him, I crouched beside his chair. "They look pretty silly, don't they?" I was biting my lip to control my laugh as Mark poked his head out of a hole in the fabric, looking pleased to see me. In a louder voice I asked, "What are you doing?" "Airing out the tent," Mark replied then looked pointedly at his father. I remembered then that they had said something about the tent earlier. "Can I help? Looks like you need some." I let a giggle escape my lips. Brother Cole looked up from some folded instructions, seeming relieved by the offer. Mark stubbornly pouted, "We've got it. I was a Boy Scout. I can put up a simple tent." I stepped over anyway and grabbed a pole. "Extra hands will just help it go faster," I soothed. The tent was indeed not a simple one, but eventually it stood on its own. "It was a good idea to practice with this before the trip next week. It should be easier the next time." Brother Cole took Micah inside for lunch. Mark and I stood admiring our work. He held out his hand to me. I took it and then reached out for the hug I had been wanting. I couldn't help it, I cried a little on his shoulder and he squeezed me tighter waiting for me to speak. "What's wrong?" he asked after a long time. I just shook my head. I didn't want to tell him that I was afraid to leave, afraid that everything would go away and I would be all alone again. He pushed me out gently and then wiped my tears with his hands. "Like my new place?" he asked with a wry smile, trying to distract me. The puzzled expression on my face launched him into an explanation, "Mom and Dad think that since we are together now, it would not be appropriate for us to stay in the same house. I have my choice of the tent or the Putnam's down the street. The tent is closer." He grinned at this last statement then added, "I guess I can see their point, you are a beautiful temptation." He brushed the length of my nose with his finger, playfully. Too horrified to take in the compliment, I blurted out, "I'm sorry. You should get to stay in your own house; you shouldn't be exiled just because of me. I'll take the tent." "Not just because of you; because of us," he emphasized, interrupting my rant. He laughed, "Besides the boys are in the house now deciding who gets to sleep out here with me on which nights. If you took the tent they would be crushed." "I'm still sorry, it doesn't seem fair," I sighed, quietly distracted by how nice it had sounded when he said the word 'us'. He hugged me again. "Don't you see – this is a good thing. This exile, as you put it, is just another reminder that I have you." Kissing my forehead he added, "Do me a favor?" "Okay," I agreed. "Smile," he said, touching the corners of my mouth with his index finger. I obliged him. "Thank you, now how shall we spend the rest of the day?" I shrugged, feeling content to be in his arms, but he let me go and grabbed my hand instead. He headed toward the basketball court so I prepared myself for a rematch as he scooped up the ball. "Do you mind another trip into town? I need to buy the family a new basketball." I looked at the ball for any visible signs of damage, but found none. "Why?" Tucking the ball under his arm and steering me toward the house, he replied, "Because I am keeping this one. It has some good memories attached to it now." Again, I felt warm with love and a bit worried by my growing need for that love. Chapter 18 We were driving down the road I had just taken with Caleb as we ate our sandwiches. "Okay, suppose you tell me now why you were crying earlier." Embarrassment washed over me. I wasn't sure I wanted him to know what I was feeling or even if it could be put into words. I decided on the simplest explanation. "I'm sorry, I feel like I have been crying a lot lately." He couldn't help but interrupt, "You've had a lot to think about, don't be so hard on yourself." Then in a teasing tone, he added, "I've got sisters, tears are just a girl thing, right?" I glared at him, but the grin on his face reduced me to a laugh. "I'm sorry, go on," he urged. "I was just thinking about going home after the camping trip." "Oh, are you homesick? I didn't realize, I guess you miss your family." "No!" I almost shouted. "I mean yes...but I was crying because I was thinking about having to leave you." There, I said it and I couldn't take it back. I sat looking at my hands in my lap. "I've thought of that too," he said. "It will only be for six weeks. I was thinking I might rearrange my work days and come for a visit." "But what if..." I started to cry. "What if you decide you don't want me anymore?" I felt really stupid now. How did I become one of those girls that was so needy? Had one bad relationship shaken me so much? Or was it that I felt completely unprepared for the strong feelings I was having? Lost in thought, I didn't even realize that we were parked in front of the store. There were people walking to and from their cars. Great, now I was crying in public. Mark reached across the seat and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight. He waited until I looked up at him. "I am not going anywhere. I love you, remember. Distance is not going to change that. It's just going to make it a lot harder to do this." He bent and kissed the hand that he was holding. "Trust me. I am not going anywhere, like a pet goldfish. I am not leaving you." Cheered, I scooted over next to him and he held me while I wiped my face and waited for the red blotches to go away. He stroked my cheek. I was calm once again and thinking now about his visit to Arizona. I sat up suddenly, "It would be so great if you could visit. There are so many things I want to show you. Oh, and you have to meet my family. Have you ever been to Arizona before? There is this fun ghost town with a working mine not too far from my house, and the Mesa temple, and there is a great dry riverbed I know of that has the coolest rocks, to bad I can't show Ruth that...." I took a much needed breath and Mark laughed at me. "Your moods could give me whiplash," he said, shaking his head. "But I hope this means you believe me about how much I love you." I nodded, "Sorry, it takes time, but it is starting to sink in." I kissed his cheek, then scooted back to my side of the truck so that we could go shopping. He went around the truck and opened my door, as he always did. Locking my arm in his, I said, "Let's go shopping, my sweet goldfish." I smiled at my new endearment and he rolled his eyes. "Okay how about a deal. I'll let you call me Marky if you don't call me that again." The look of playful anxiety on his face was priceless. I leaned into his shoulder and giggled. One basketball and a red rose later we were sitting in the truck again. I was appreciating the subtle smell of this beautiful gift when he surprised me. "I think that I am going to cancel the backpacking trip with Christian." "What? Why?" This was confusing; he had campaigned so much for that part of the trip when we were making the plans. It was a chance to do something special with his brother and they had both being looking forward to it. He hung his head a little and then looked out his side window checking his mirror as he backed up. "Two days is a long time, we only have so much time before you have to go home. I don't want to waste it." Immediately I saw what he meant and felt the same, but I couldn't let him cancel his plans. "Christian would be so crushed. You need to go, you will have fun and I will be right in camp waiting for you when you get back." "But," he paused, "I wish you could come." I sighed. This had been my wish, too, from the beginning. I loved backpacking. I'd had so much fun helping them plan it. I had been on that trail once and it was really beautiful. Now I wished to go mostly to be with him, but we had decided weeks ago that it would not be appropriate without proper chaperones. "It will be okay, have fun with Christian. You never know when it will be your last chance. My trip with George last year turned out to be our last. That's when he told me he was getting married." I blushed, realizing what my words might imply. I quickly added, "After all Christian will be going on a mission in another year or so." "True," he said. "Things seem to change quickly the older we get." He pulled into the driveway and said, "I wonder who I am rooming with tonight?" I was suddenly wishing that I had been there for that argument. "I hope its Caleb. He was a big help today." "That reminds me. What is this surprise of yours?" he asked, flashing me a hopeful smile. "If you haven't figured it out, you will just have to wait and see." "Figured it out? I'm not that with it. As far as I am concerned you are full of surprises." "Yeah, like crazy crying jags," I said, shaking my head. "Don't be embarrassed. Feelings just happen sometimes. How do you think I felt realizing that I was falling for the girl my best friend liked? And then when you kissed me... talk about seriously breaking the guy code." I laughed, "Oh, yes, the infamous guy code. How did you get past that?" "It got easier when I saw you hurting and he was the cause. Somehow, I felt less friendly toward him." His confession made me feel guilty. "But he's your best friend. You can't stay mad at him. It wasn't his fault that he wanted something I couldn't give. It is better that he left earlier than later." I thought back to that time. It had hurt when he left, but not because I was in love. The feelings I felt for Mark were so much stronger and different from those I had for Andy. "No, I can't stay mad at him, you're right. In fact, someday I need to remember to thank him." "For what?" "Being an idiot. I could never have stolen you away from him." "I don't know about that, you can be incredibly endearing and persuasive." I took another sniff of my rose. "And cute, don't forget cute." "Cute doesn't begin to cover it. You are dashing inside and out." He actually blushed. I liked that. He should feel as good as I did. As we got out of the car, I snuggled into his chest. "Scriptures tonight?" he asked, returning the hug. "That sounds good, but it will have to be after you put your brothers and sisters to sleep. We have plans before that." "Oh, right, the surprise. Mom is probably busy getting dinner ready, let's go see if we can help." Dinner was quick. Sister and Brother Cole left for the dance with Christian and Rebekah leaving the clean-up for the babysitters. Mark wouldn't let me help. He recruited the girls instead for the dishes. I had Mark carry Micah downstairs so that he could watch Caleb and me set up for the party. We blew up balloons and hung them around the family room. Micah squealed at all the colors. I sent Caleb up to get bowls for the snacks while I got the music ready on the stereo. Before long, I heard the girls on the stairs giggling. A high pitched voice, attempting to sound like his sisters said, "Can we come down yet?" "Well let's see, the girls can come in, but I am not sure about their goofy big brother." To this, the girls' giggles grew louder and they bounced down the stairs and into the room. They were followed by Mark with his head hung sheepishly. I laughed and ran to take his hand. "Of course you can come in, the surprise is for you." He took in the room and his eyebrows rose. "You said you felt like celebrating. Welcome to our dance." I walked over to the stereo and started the music. The girls jumped up and down and Ruth led Anna over to the snack table. Caleb was already there shoving chips in his mouth. I pulled Mark into the middle of the room to dance with me. He recognized the song as soon as it started. "Were you in my room?" I looked as innocent as I could, "What do you think I needed Caleb for? But I must say, you do seem a bit obsessed with sports cars," I said, thinking of the posters I had seen all over the walls. "Hey, those are Christian's, and I thought you said Caleb went in for the music?" "He did, but I helped your mom with laundry this week and I had to put some clothes in on Christian's bed." And then because I couldn't resist, I add, "Were all the scrubs on the floor Christian's too?" Looking guilty Mark sighed, "No, those were mine, unless you would believe they belonged to him?" He asked looking hopeful. "Afraid not, but don't worry, your secret is safe with me." I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his nose. When the song was over, I looked up to see that we had an audience. "Time to get this party started." I proclaimed putting on some faster dance music, grabbing the girls by the hands, and moving to the dance floor. Mark carefully lifted Micah out of his chair and danced with him in his arms. We tried to get Caleb to come over with us, but he headed back to the food table. During the next hour, I managed to dance with every Cole man in the room. Micah was heavier than I had realized, so Mark helped me. Caleb was pretty good with the slow dances. I found out that Sister Cole teaches all of her boys to foxtrot and waltz. Thankfully, I had taken a social dance class last year, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to keep up. It was late when Mark announced, "Time for the Coles to go to bed." Cutting in on Caleb, he took me for one more turn around the floor, then he gently scooped up Micah. "See you outside in a while, Caleb." "Can I put you to bed tonight?" I asked, turning to Ruth and Anna. "Yeah!" they hollered and we raced up the stairs. Ruth was first and already brushing her teeth by the time I reached the hallway. Anna was really good at finding the things she needed in the bathroom. I watched her in appreciation. "Tell us a story!" the girls yelled, as I tucked them into their beds. "It's been a long day guys. I'm not sure I have a story tonight." "Come on, you can do it." Ruth was pleading. "Okay." "Once in a land that was covered with fields. A single tree grew in the sun..." The girls were yawning as the story finished. "Time to sleep now." "Thanks, Megan. Love you." "Love you too." As I exited the girls' room, I could hear Mark singing to Micah. I went back downstairs to start cleaning up. It wasn't long before Mark joined me. He started the music up again and took the balloon out of my hand. "May I have this dance?" "Sure," I said, feeling a little shy. He led me around the room for several minutes, holding me tightly in his arms. "You know what I'm thinking?" he said, breathlessly. "No. What?" "I'm thinking that it is a little too private down here. Let's clean up and go upstairs." He blushed as he spoke, but I didn't laugh; upstairs seemed much safer to me too. "We could make some zucchini bread for breakfast tomorrow and read scriptures while it bakes." "Excellent idea." He kissed me before he let me go with a sigh. "I need to get Micah's chair upstairs. Can you handle this stuff?" "Yep, it's almost done." I turned off the music and grabbed the food bowls to take up to the kitchen. * * * The next day at church was really fun. I found myself the center of attention as Mark led me in on his arm. Everyone had seen me before, but now it was obvious that things were different. Mostly, I think they could tell because Mark was beaming. Feeling loved and cherished, I clung to his arm. "So what's going on here?" an old Sunday School teacher of Mark's asked. "Well, you haven't met Megan yet have you?" Then, he looked at me from the corner of his eyes, "she's my.... girlfriend." I gave him a small nod so that he would know that I approved and he smiled even bigger. I wasn't sure how to count all these smiles if the smile never left his face. "You sure can pick 'em Mark," he drawled and patted Mark on the back as he walked away. Confusion spread across my face. "Is there a story there?" I asked. "No, that's just his way of saying you're beautiful." I shook my head in amused denial. Mark stopped me by resting his warm hand on my cheek. "He's only partly right, though. You are so beautiful and yet your spirit outshines your face." I melted. Suddenly, I started to laugh. "What?" Mark asked, surprised by my response. "I was just thinking how happy Mr. Wallace will be now that his Marky has found someone." "Hey, you're right. We should stop in and say hi on our way to California. I want to show you off some more." Mark kissed my forehead and walked me to the truck. By the afternoon, I was starting to feel a little exhausted from all that had happened in just a few days' time. I curled up in my sleeping bag and took a nap. Mark was lurking around the hallway when I woke up. It was obvious he was looking for me. "Hi," I said, running my fingers through my messy hair. "Hi," he said, almost glumly. Rushing to him, I asked, "Is something wrong?" "I just need to talk to you. Can we go outside?" "Sure," I said. I took his hand and together we walked through the front door. "Megan, can I ask you something?" He was so serious. I wondered what was up and I longed to make him smile again. We sat on the front porch steps. "Sure, ask me anything." "First of all, let me say that my feelings haven't changed no matter how you answer. I said I would always be here." Oh, boy this must be something major. I was worrying now. "Okay, what is it?" He hesitated and I could tell that it was difficult for him to let the words out. "Do you really love me for me, or am I just the first guy who didn't care about the whole surgery thing?" He struggled with the right words and I bit my lip. "I mean, it's okay if that is all I am. That can be good enough for me. I just need to know." He paused and I shook my head in dismay. "Oh, Mark. I am so sorry." He hung his head and I quickly went on, seeing that he misunderstood. "I am so sorry that you ever thought that. You know the other day when you told me how you felt? It was so nice just to be wanted, but right after that first feeling of relief my feelings exploded. It happened so quickly because I guess, I had been fighting it for so long. I started falling in love with you when you stopped to buy me aloe vera gel for my sunburn. I kept falling in love with you the day that we picked up Rebekah in Salt Lake and I told you my secret. I fell when you asked my roommates about me over and over during those awful months. I fell when I saw you with Mr. Wallace. I fell every time I heard you on the phone with your family and every time the guys teased you for being such a sap." I paused to make sure I had his attention and I lifted his chin so that he could see my eyes. "The love that I feel is not out of gratitude to you, but rather in gratitude for you. I feel like I have been given a wonderful gift, and that gift is you, Mark." As if to contradict me, he said, "But all that stuff is just me being me." "Exactly," I smiled. "You are generous, compassionate and caring. You put others first; loving you is natural." A tear trickled down his face and I kissed it away. I hoped that he understood. His shoulders seemed to lower a couple of inches as if he was sighing in relief. "Silly, one of these days, I just may smack some sense into you for being willing to take less than you deserve. You deserve nothing less than complete devotion and I have to admit that you have mine, if you want it." And then because he seemed to need it, I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as I could. When he spoke his voice was hoarse, "Thank you, but I definitely think I am the one who has been given the gift. You're glowing, you know." "So I've been thinking... exactly how long have we been dating?" He bit his lip looking a little embarrassed. "Almost two months. You figured it out, huh?" He hung his head shyly, then looked up at me and grinned, clearly proud of himself. "Sneaky. Do you think you could let me in on it next time?" He reached out and grabbed me into another hug. "Okay, here it goes. Let me take you out tomorrow, please?" "Sure, but don't you have to work?" "Nope, I only work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Then I'm off for the vacation." "Where do you want to go?" "Why don't you let me work on that. Let's call it a surprise," he said with a smirk. The front porch light flicked on and off. Brother Cole poked his head out, "Dinner in five." "Okay, we'll be right there," Mark assured him. Then he turned to me. "Is this really happening?" I knew exactly what he meant. I had been wondering that for four days now. "I think so," I said, smiling so that I could almost feel the glow on my face. Mark leaned his head on my shoulder for a second and sighed. I turned and kissed his cheek then we went into the house arm in arm. * * * "Okay, we've been driving for a while. Are you going to tell me where we're going yet?" I asked as I sat next to him in the truck. "The future," he said grinning at my confused face. "A little more information would be good." "Relax. We are almost there." He pulled into a small real estate office in a tiny town. "Wait here." After a few minutes, he returned with some papers. "Okay, now you really have to tell me what is going on." "I was looking on the internet a couple of weeks ago. I've heard you talk about your summer camp so much that this place seemed to have a lot of potential." He handed me a map. "Now help me find it, navigator." I squealed a little and jumped up and down in my seat, but in a really dignified way. We drove to a small dirt road about ten miles out of the town. The high trees shaded it on either side. "It's beautiful. Too bad it won't be here when I graduate." "We can still enjoy it and get some ideas. It's good practice." He pulled the truck to a stop and came around to open my door. Excited, I almost ran across the small field in front of me. Mark looked at the papers and gave me the information, "It says here that it is 60 acres. Most of it is wooded. I think this is the largest clearing, but I can't be sure just looking at the map here." He handed me the map and together we tried to figure it out. The copy was bad and it was hard to read the topographical information. "Guess we'll have to explore to find out." Then, I did give in and ran across the field because I just couldn't help myself. Mark laughed at me and followed. We hiked all over the little property and he was right, there was potential everywhere. There was even a large pond that would be perfect for some water activities. We sat in the meadow eating the picnic lunch he had brought and I sketched out buildings on the map of the site. "I think the mess hall should go here and then some little cabins nestled up among those trees. That one lookout we saw would make a great place for campfire gatherings, don't you think? The papers say that there is electricity at the road. It shouldn't be too much to bring it to the buildings. I wonder about sanitation and water." Mark smiled at me and brushed the hair out of my face with his fingers. "I think you are amazing and can do anything." I beamed at him for a moment, then said, "Thank you so much for bringing me here. It is so much fun to dream. You are the best!" I leaned in to kiss him and then I added. "By the way, we still need to find the perfect place for my cabin. Tag you're it." I jumped up and ran for the woods. He caught me before I reached the trees. "You can build your cabin anywhere as long as it isn't too far from me." He wrapped me in his arms and I enjoyed another big bear hug. We packed up to go home and I was sad to leave. "Today was wonderful! I love you, thanks again for bringing me." "I love hearing you say that. I love you. I love your beautiful dreams, too. It is so fun to watch you plan them." "I think you are a little deluded. It's just a summer camp." "I've been listening for a few months now and watching too. You're not planning just any summer camp." I looked at him puzzled. He continued, "You are planning a camp where kids will be taught to enjoy the spirit of being in nature. It could be a place where even kids like Micah and Anna can feel that spirit. When you spent the day in that wheelchair and you were upset because people treated you funny, I could tell you were starting out on a mission. Then the whole Mr. Wallace thing just made everything clear. I almost cried when you met Micah for the first time and you gently touched him and spoke right to him. Nobody does that but the family. You have a special talent for loving all people, Megan. I can see it in your eyes." I considered what he was saying. It hadn't ever occurred to me in all my planning who the camp would be for, but he was right. Now that I considered it, I couldn't think of anything better. "I think your plans and mine go wonderfully together." It was so amazing to me how well he knew my heart. Chapter 19 We began packing the large van and Mark's truck on Thursday. The plan was to leave Saturday morning, spend that night with Sister Cole's parents, and then attend church with them on Sunday. As we loaded, I was sure there was no way we were going to fit everything. All of my stuff had to be loaded as well because I was going home right after the trip. The Coles had truly become family and I was really going to miss them. Mark pulled everything out of the back of his truck when he got home from work. "Hey, we just packed that," I complained. "What, are you feeling left out and you want to do the work over?" He had driven Christian's car to work that day so that we could start the packing and now he was undoing it. "Nope, I'm just up to something. Go in the house and find something to do for the next hour." I frowned at him. He'd been gone all day and I missed him. He saw my frown and kissed it. He took my hand and walked me into the house. "I'll hurry, just stay in here, okay?" Friday was spent in last minute details. Trying to find Christian's sunglasses and Anna's hat was only part of the chaos. Mark worried about his mother's stress levels and hovered around her, helping out where he could. I focused on running Anna, Caleb and Ruth into the ground so that they would be tired for the long ride the next day. We had bike races, tree climbing contests, and my favorite – a gymnastics exhibition on the trampoline. Caleb was quite good with backward somersaults and I managed a forward flip even though I was out of practice. An early night was a mandate handed down from Brother Cole after dinner. We all went to bed at nine o clock so that the 6 am departure time wouldn't be so bad. The tent had been packed away so Mark had been allowed back in his room for the last night, but Brother Cole slept in the family room right by Mark's door. I found the precautions a little insulting ... but mostly funny. Mark didn't seem to think anything of it. * * * In the morning, Mark found me waiting in line outside the bathroom. "How are you?" "I'm great," I said. Listening to the voices of the family bouncing around the house was so homey. Someone was missing their shoes and another person was looking for their CD. "I get to ride with you, right?" I said, gesturing with my head towards the noise. He answered by drawing me into a hug and whispering in my ear, "Do you think I would let them have you? You're all mine. They will have to fend for themselves. Besides, who's going to drive while I sleep?" He leaned back and looked at me as he said this last part. I acted shocked and pulled away because finally it was my turn in the bathroom. * * * We were all loaded up and backing out of the driveway on the start of the first Cole family vacation. It was 6:15 – not too bad for getting ten people dressed, fed and having family prayer too. I was glad that Mark and I were driving the truck together. It would give us lots of time to talk. I was nowhere near ready to let him go. The first leg of the trip was about five hours but we stopped over in Provo for an early lunch. Mark and I stopped in to see Mr. Wallace briefly because Mark had something he really wanted to tell him. As he walked through the door, he called, "Mr. Wallace, I brought someone to see you." "What... Who is it? Marky, you're back!" "Actually, I just stopped by to bring you a visitor." He pulled me through the door and I smiled at the grumpy man sitting up in a chair by his bed. "Don't get any ideas though, she all mine." Mark wrapped his arms around me like a shield and he leaned over my shoulder and kissed my cheek. "Oh, she is, huh? Well it's about time you found someone and...." he paused, looking me up and down appraisingly, "this one I don't even hate. Congratulations." Such words from Mr. Wallace were high praise and I bent to give him a hug. We stayed long enough to push Mr. Wallace around the courtyard and say hi to a few other residents; then it was back to the road. * * * It had been such a long day and we were all grateful to be at the Kimball's house, finally. Mark's grandparents were funny people with lots of questions for me. Brother Kimball pulled me aside an hour after we arrived to ask me if I was in love with his grandson. The smile on his face told me that I could tease him a little bit, so I replied, "Which one?" He laughed and then placed a hand on my shoulder. Walking me to a quieter corner for confidentiality, he stared me down. "Answer the question, Miss." I couldn't help but giggle. I felt more than a little put on the spot and I was strangely reminded of Mr. Wallace. He continued to stare. "Yes," I finally said. "I am very much in love with your grandson." He started to pat my shoulder with his hand. "Good girl. You're smart, too." Then he winked at me. Shortly after that, I was rescued by Mark who had managed to hear most of the exchange and was laughing at my discomfort. He led me safely out to the kitchen. "Oh, yeah! Just wait. You get to meet my dad when you take me home. Grandpa in there is nothing compared to him," I said, poking him lightly in the ribs. Mark looked a little nervous, but he squeezed me in close with his arm around my shoulder. "If his questions are that easy, I'll have no problem." Mark's grandmother, Pearl, as Brother Kimball liked to call her, busied herself with trying to fatten me up. It was funny because I wasn't exactly skinny. Sister Cole just rolled her eyes up to the ceiling at me during dinner when I was offered a third helping. I smiled and declined the extra food. Of course, the grand kids were hugged and doted on and fattened up as well. Brother and Sister Kimball were so happy to have everyone there, and they were happy that they weren't the ones doing the traveling this time. We got to bed rather late considering our long day of driving. Micah wasn't too comfortable in the different surroundings and Mark spent twice as long trying to put him to bed. Brother Cole was even singing with Mark tonight as he tried to ease his boy's tensions. "Is Micah okay?" I asked as they emerged after nearly 45 minutes. I had been sitting by the door of the large guest room where Micah, Caleb, Christian, and Mark were staying. "He's asleep. We're just going to have to expect this on the trip." He put an arm around me and led me out into the living room. * * * The next morning was a jumble of people, all trying to get washed and dressed for Church. I had showered the night before so that I could avoid the Sunday rush. Being too tired to care, I had gone to sleep when my hair was still wet; consequently it was a rat's nest. I spent a good half hour torturing the tangles. Mark knocked on the door of the large three season porch where the girls had spent the night. I sat on my sleeping bag, hair fallen forward picking through it with a vengeance. I didn't look up, knowing that if I did, my hair would look enormous in its current state. "Good morning," he called as he opened the door. "Hi, how did you sleep? Is everyone good this morning?" I asked feeling certain that he would know that I meant Micah. "Yes, we had a peaceful night. It looks like you had a visit from the crazy hair fairy, though." I laughed, still not looking up. "Yeah, she and I are old friends." Then, I winced as I hit a tangle that pulled my hair. "Are you okay? Can I help?" He asked walking forward. "Thanks, but I think I had better tackle this myself. You should go be with your grandparents. We're leaving tomorrow and they have missed you." "Well, good luck. It looks harrowing." He retreated and I sighed in relief. I wasn't quite sure what he would make of my big, crazy mane, but I guessed he was going to see it sooner or later if we were going camping. When the tangles were gone, I braided it and joined the family for breakfast. * * * The Kimballs' ward was mostly older people. There were lots of retired folks, so the children were a special treat. I watched as Anna, Ruth and Caleb got their cheeks pinched several times just making their way to the pew where we were sitting. Used to winter visitors in Arizona, the room full of grandparents wasn't as novel to me as it seemed to the bewildered Ruth who looked around for anyone her age. "Mom, do they have Primary here?" She asked in doubt. Sister Cole tried to reassure her, but looking around she was suddenly unsure herself. "If not, you can come to Relief Society with me and Megan." Ruth perked up at the possibility. Just before the meeting started, Mark and Caleb were asked to help pass the Sacrament. They stood without delay and walked over to sit next to the men that were already in place. In Mark's absence, I slid my way down to Micah at the end of the bench and held his hand. He liked the hymns as the congregation sang and made contented noises. It was hard not to get upset when the Relief Society lesson turned in to a 'this is what to do when you have kids' talk, directed at me. The younger girls had been taken off to a small Primary class with their Grandma Kimball. Ruth was a little disappointed, but I was sure that she was having more fun in Primary than I was in Relief Society right now. Sister Cole quickly came to my rescue trying to get everyone back on topic. I know that I just looked like a future mother to them, but it felt like an assault and I prayed trying to calm the pain. Later, I told Mark about the lesson and he became anxious. I tried to soothe him rubbing my arm on his shoulder and explaining that they just didn't understand. As soon as he realized that I was okay about it, he calmed right down. Stuff like this was going to happen a lot, I figured. Reassuring him had calmed me down too. Most of the time people meant well. I needed to learn not to let it get to me. * * * After another filling dinner and an early night, we were on the road again Monday morning heading toward California. We were now spread between three vehicles because we had added the RV. Brother Cole was driving it so Christian, Rebekah and I were all taking turns in the van to help Sister Cole with the driving. I was driving the van after a gas stop just into California when Micah started to fuss. We started to sing songs, any songs we knew. It was one of the more fun times on the trip that day. I wished Mark had been there to share it with us. Some of the silliest songs came from the younger girls and I wished that there were a class that would teach me all the new kid's songs. It was a long day of driving, but we reached our first destination by dinner time. We were actually staying with the Martens for the night. There were old friends of Sister Cole's who owned an orchard. Space was limited so the boys were sleeping in the tent. The girls would all be bunking in the RV. Brother and Sister Cole would be in the house with Micah. Still, it was a beautiful farm and a fun setting to get into vacation mode. It felt good to stretch my legs. Mark, Christian and I put the tent up. Then we joined the rest of the family inside the small farmhouse dining room for a late dinner. Sister Marten was so excited to have a crowd to feed. "It's just like old times." She beamed as she placed serving bowl after serving bowl on the table. With our stomachs full of Sister Marten's yummy dinner and after a long day of traveling, we were all ready for bed. Brother Cole didn't even have to try. "To bed girls," he gently ordered, sweeping the group with his eyes that fell on each girl in turn, including me. We all followed without an argument. "Boys, you too." "Wait for me," Mark insisted, pulling me by the hand. He put one arm around me and one arm around Ruth and we walked to the RV parked at the back of the house. Anna followed behind with Rebekah and the three girls went inside while Mark and I paused, not wanting to say goodnight. I eyed the RV dubiously and hoped that leaving the windows open would help with how stuffy it had been in there this afternoon. Anna poked her head out of the door and holding onto the frame for support, she said. "Are you going to kiss her, Mark?" The question was followed by a chorus of giggles from behind her. I blushed as Mark grabbed me in his arms. Our show was spotlighted by the flood light on the Martens' back porch as he dipped me as if we were dancing and held me there. He paused to look up at his sisters now all watching from the door and sweetly said, "Why, yes. Yes, I am." He gently kissed my lips to the delight of the giggling crowd and then he lifted me back up. Wobbling, I tried to plant both my feet again and he smirked. "I must be a great kisser," he said quietly so that only I could hear, then he winked. Satisfied, the girls reentered the RV and made preparations for bed. I could hear Christian and Caleb arguing over who got to sleep next to the door in the tent about 30 feet away. Remembering similar arguments between the twins, I gestured with my head towards the noise and teased, "Good luck." The glow of a flashlight was casting lively shadows on the walls of the tent and it sounded like the fight was growing intense. I turned to go get ready for bed, but Mark stopped me again. "I do get a goodnight kiss, don't I?" "You can have lots if you want, but I thought you just did that?" "Exactly, I just did that. I need a kiss from you. Besides that one was just being silly, it doesn't count." He drew me to him and we lingered on a kiss as I enjoyed the strength in his arms while he held me. Resting my head on his chest again, I sighed feeling so joyous. We were shortly interrupted by another chorus of giggles. He tried to 'shhh' his sisters, but it failed so he reluctantly let me go. "Sleep well. I love you." "I love you, too." With a goofy smile plastered on my face, I floated into the RV. A couple of minutes later we heard another ruckus coming from the direction of the tent. Confident that they would have a solution to their fight soon, I climbed into the bed above the driver and passenger seats with Rebekah and fell asleep still smiling. * * * In the morning, after a simple breakfast of muffins and eggs, Brother Marten took us around his orchard to show us the different types of trees he grew. It was still early in the season so most of the fruit was still green. We were in luck that he had a several trees of an early ripening variety. Brother Cole lifted Anna up so that she could feel a branch that was heavy with peaches. They were not as bright in color as some peaches I had seen, but they did smell wonderful. She smiled when she felt the curly leaves and the fuzzy texture of the peaches. The peaches were especially fuzzy and after picking a basketful, my arms were itchy. Scratching only made it worse because the fuzz was on my hands. Brother Marten looked at me and smirked. "Most of my varieties are newer and have been bred to reduce the fuzz. This one here is an antique variety, that's why I wear this," he said, pointing to the long sleeve flannel shirt he was wearing. I hadn't even considered bringing a long sleeve shirt in this summer heat. All of my clothes were packed down with my school things in the truck, but I didn't want to disturb Mark's neat packing job. The itching was bad enough that I walked back to the house leaving the rest in the orchard. Mark came with me. He was torn between concern and amusement as I scratched. "I think you may have a slight allergy," he said as we entered the house. He took me to the kitchen sink and scrubbed my arms with cold soapy water. It felt so nice that I only halfheartedly protested that I could do it myself. He had me clean under my nails really well and then examined my arms more closely. There was indeed a raised red rash, but it was so faint it was hard to see it under my scratch marks. Mark and I sat out on the porch enjoying the morning and waiting for everyone to return from the orchard. "Finally," he sighed. "What?" I asked laying my head against him. "I just missed having you all to myself." This revelation made me happy and I lifted my head and kissed his cheek. He returned the kiss and brushed my hair gently with his fingers. "You know, I have thought a lot about touching your hair over the past few months. It is softer than I imagined." I laughed, "That's because I have to tame it with two kinds of conditioner just to get it to cooperate." "I think it is so beautiful." He leaned his face against my hair and gently brushed his cheek back and forth. "You're perfect." I said matter-of-factly. "Hardly." "No, I'm pretty sure. First, you think I'm wonderful despite all my... limitations and now you think my hair is beautiful. You are either perfect or very confused." He hugged me in tighter. "I don't have to be perfect to enjoy the beauty that you are. I've spent months trying to ignore it and I can tell you that's much more difficult." "It's strange; I can't imagine my life without you. Everything just seems so right when you are near me." I was surprised that this idea wasn't frightening to me anymore. "I feel the same way," he said, squeezing me again. He was definitely affectionate like his dad seemed to be. I could see Mark giving Brother-Cole-like bear hugs to his kids as he came home from work. I started to shy from the thought, worried that I might see a boy with curly brown hair and brown eyes, but I saw instead a Cole like family with every skin and hair color represented. The brief vision was overwhelming and tears came to my eyes. Mark couldn't see my face, so the tears went unnoticed. I wasn't ready yet to share my thoughts with him on this. He had hinted at our future together and I honestly couldn't think of life without him, but I didn't want to freak him out. I got myself under control, then said, "Let's go back to the orchard, I think my arms are better." He stood with me, then ran off to the tent before I could question. When he returned he was carrying a long sleeve flannel shirt similar to Brother Marten's. "If we're going back out there, I want you to cover up." He handed me the shirt and I took it gratefully. We found the group sitting on a small grassy area between a couple of trees at the end of the field. Juice was running down everyone's face and Caleb was trying to see how far he could spit the large pit. I reached for a peach, but Mark stopped me. "Megan, I'm not so sure you should." "I've eaten peaches lots of times. It will be fine," I protested, but he shook his head a little doubtfully. Brother Cole spoke up then. "Here, Mark." He tossed Mark a small red object. It was a pocket knife. Mark smiled and grabbed a peach. He handed me the peeled peach. Juice was now running down his hands. I was a little embarrassed to be so babied, but thankful that I wouldn't have to touch the fuzz again. The peach was so sweet and juicy. It tasted much better than the ones I'd had from the store. Self-consciously, I wiped the juice from my face with my sleeve and then remembered that I was wearing Mark's shirt. I looked up at him apologetically and he laughed, "Well since it's already dirty..." He reached around me in a hug and rubbed his sticky wet hands all over the back of the shirt. This won giggles from almost everyone except Brother Cole who cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow. Mark gave him an innocent look and released me, putting an arm around my shoulder. * * * We all tromped in from the fields in the late morning. The heat was just starting to get uncomfortable. Mark and I were taking the small road back pushing Micah along the more even surface. By the time we caught up with the group (who had cut through the fields) they were in the middle of a water fight. Brother Cole was armed with the hose and happily squirting the dirt and stickiness off of anyone who got close enough. Sister Cole reappeared outside with a plastic bowl from the kitchen. While Brother Cole was focused on squirting Christian, she emptied its contents onto his back. Brother Cole whirled around and began to chase Sister Cole with the hose. The kids all laughed watching the exchange. Brother Marten whooped then cut the water to the hose. Finding himself unarmed, Brother Cole caught up to his wife and scooped her up into a hug, placing a kiss solidly on her lips as water from her hair dripped down their faces. It was such a perfect moment, I just watched silently. The rest of the week was filled with such moments. Though vacationing was new to the Coles, playing together wasn't. Already I felt such a part of them that I didn't want to leave. The time was going much too fast, especially my time with Mark. * * * We spent the rest of the day at the zoo then settled down for another early night before we drove to the redwoods. There was a bit of fighting among the girls that night. I think everyone was just tired. "Hey guys? Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure?" "It was too small?" "Good guess, but no. It was because he was a little shellfish." The groans were loud and Mark couldn't resist checking on us. "Everything okay in there?" "No," Rebekah complained. "Megan is torturing us with bad jokes." "Oh, if that's all. Better you than me. Goodnight." "I heard that." I teased over all the giggles. The next night we spent in a beautiful campground at the foot of the mountains. The day had provided many wonderful opportunities to feel amazement at God's creations. I sat around the campfire with the Coles who seemed much more subdued. One by one they turned in until only Mark and I were left to douse the fire. I crawled into the tent trying not to disturb my roommates. "Goodnight, Megan," Anna lazily said. * * * The next morning I was woken up by a little knock at the girls' tent. "Megan, wake up." Startled, I sat up and looked at my watch; it was 5:30. This was way too early for Mark; something must be wrong. I poked my head out, "Mark, what's the matter?" He looked a little embarrassed, "Nothing, I just couldn't wait any longer. Can you come out?" "Give me a minute." Ruth and Anna were still asleep. Grabbing my clothes, I got dressed quietly. I unzipped the tent, tiptoed through, and zipped it up again hoping not to wake them. "Get your shoes," he directed and I sat to put my shoes on. "Okay, now come with me. I want to show you something." We walked a little ways from the camp. The sun was starting to rise, lighting the sky with yellow and orange. "What are we doing?" "Just a minute, we're almost there." We passed a clump of trees and came to a little clearing. It was a beautiful picture. "It's amazing! What a great idea. We should wake everyone up so they can see the sunrise." "Wait," he said and walked over to an object in the distance that I hadn't noticed. It was a beautiful hope chest. There was a big carved heart on the front and a goldfish on the lid. Speechless, I admired it lovingly. "I made this for you, because I love you and because you bring so much hope into my life that I wanted to give some back to you." He opened up the lid and down inside was a ring box. Pulling it out he said, "Please, marry me and I will try to fill your life with hope the way you fill mine with beauty and joy." I jumped into his arms and whispered in his ear, "You can never have too much hope. Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you!" He squeezed me tight and spun me around. "You are such a blessing to me. I can't believe how happy I feel right now." I touched the hope chest running my fingers over the carving. He laughed, "I did them myself. You can see I'm not very good, but it's the thought, right?" I put my finger on his lips, "Shh," I said. "It's wonderful. I will treasure it. Thank you." "I wasn't sure I could get it here without you seeing it. Lucky for me you didn't get nosy." "Is this what the repack was about?" "Yeah, I was lucky to get it done in time. I finished late Wednesday night." "And this?" I asked holding up my left hand that now held my ring. "Got it on my lunch hour, last week. Is it okay?" "Aside for the fact that it is incredibly beautiful, it means I get to keep you; so, it's perfect." He beamed and I braced myself for another bear hug. "Shall we go tell the family?" He scooped me up off my feet and carried me back through the trees. "What about my hope chest?" "It will be okay for a few minutes." My mind shifted into planning mode and I blurted out my questions. I could always ruin a romantic moment. "But what about the wedding? When? Where?" "Well, I won't settle for anything less than forever so it will definitely be in the temple. Other than that, you can pick. I'll be there wherever it is." I giggled and he gave me a quick peck on the lips. The he bellowed, "Wake up, guys!" I looked at my watch it was only a quarter 'til 6. Given the time, I buried my face in his shoulder and prepared for grouchy faces to appear. Christian and Caleb were the first to emerge from the boys' tent. They stumbled out of the flap as if they had been spinning in circles for hours. I laughed at their groggy expressions and then was stunned as Christian woke up enough to take in the scene. "You finally did it!" he shouted. "It's about time, Bro." I looked up at Mark, curious about how long he had been thinking about this. He reddened slightly but then his eyes flicked to the RV door that was opening. "What? We missed it?" Rebekah complained as she came down the little steps. Brother and Sister Cole were sitting next to the camper door and they were both smirking. "I knew you couldn't stick to the plan," Sister Cole said. "Plan?" "He was supposed to do it in front of the family before he left for the backpack trip." Brother Cole explained. "I just couldn't wait!" Mark beamed. All this time he had not put me down and I was starting to feel a little silly. My attempts to wiggle free only made him hold me tighter. "Stay, please. I'm not ready to let go yet," he whispered in my ear. I gave up and my head back on his shoulder. I would just have to look silly a little longer. For Mark, I could deal with that. Finally, all the noise woke up the little girls and they came out to see what was going on. Mark smiled and said, "At least I get to tell someone. Megan and I are getting married!" Ruth took one look at me in him arms and said, "Right now?" "No, I wish, but we have to wait," he said, then put me down on the ground. "Can I be at your wedding?" Anna asked me. "Sorry, but were going to be sealed in the temple. You can be in the pictures and at the reception, though. We can even get you a pretty new dress," I said. "I've been in the temple. I got sealed to Mom and Dad," Anna answered. "It's wonderful." I brushed my hand along her hair and said, "I think it's wonderful, too." Mark sent Christian and Caleb to get the hope chest. Brother Cole gave me a real, feet-off-the-ground bear hug, my first from him. "Welcome to the family," he said, tearing up. Sister Cole gave me a hug too, and then hugged Mark. She held him a long time. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I'll miss you, kid," she said. "You don't need me, Mom. You've had things running smoothly for years. You just let me help to keep me out of your hair." They laughed and she wiped her eyes. "Well, since you woke everyone up so early, we may as well get started on breakfast. I'm glad this vacation is going to be so cheap, since we have wedding travel ahead." Sister Cole busied herself getting the food for breakfast. Mark pulled me in one more embrace and kissed my left hand, touching the ring there. "I'll be back." Then he went off to pack my hope chest safely back into the truck. I went to help make breakfast. After we'd packed everything up, we drove to Yosemite. I was tempted to call my parents and tell them the news, but doing it in person seemed so much more fun. * * * Christian and Mark left for their overnighter right after breakfast the next morning. I tried to get into the planned activities for the day, but I was very distracted. If I missed Mark so much now, what were the next six weeks going to be like? The Coles, minus the two oldest boys, wandered around the park enjoying. In the afternoon, Brother and Sister Cole even got to take a walk by themselves while Rebekah and I kept everyone else busy. I spent that night tossing and turning. I woke up every couple of hours and checked my watch. I thought about the trail the guys were on and pictured them nestled down in their sleeping bags. Everyone else was sleeping; I tried to go back to sleep, too. With the dawn I was up and wandering the camp. There was nothing to do really. We would be staying another night so packing up was unnecessary and Sis. Cole had insisted the camp be cleaned up before we went to bed. I took the quiet time to read my scriptures and ponder on the way Heavenly Father had blessed my life in such a short time. When I considered the answers I'd received to my prayers, I was humbled. There were so many people in my life he'd used to answer my prayers. * * * By the afternoon, the brothers had returned and I was at Mark's side again. Around the campfire that night, we were rewarded with the tale of Christian and the bear. Apparently, he had excused himself for a call of nature at sunset last night and had seen a bear in the distance. Hurrying back to Mark, the two double checked the campsite to make sure they didn't have any food around. "So glad we listened to you and strung our food up for the night in some trees away from our sleeping bags," Christian said to me shaking his head. "We heard the bear trying to get to it in the middle of the night." "Yeah, it was pretty scary," Mark agreed. "But lucky for us, Christian smelled bad enough that the bear stayed away." This last comment won Mark a wadded shirt to the head. Christian was chuckling and shirtless. Brother Cole broke up the party before Mark could retaliate. "Come on, son. I want some help repacking the van for tomorrow." Mark kissed me on the forehead then ran off to help his dad. * * * The next morning we were heading home. "You know last night when I helped my dad?" Mark spoke up as we drove. "Yes?" "He wanted to have 'the talk' with me." He grinned as he looked to see my reaction. "Really? How did that go?" I asked, my eyes wide. "Just fine. He was more concerned with making sure I treated you like a treasure than about the physical stuff. I told him not to worry because he had set that example for me my whole life." Mark teared up a little as he spoke. I nodded agreement with this. "Plus, I think you have a natural talent for making me feel special." I pulled his hand up to kiss it. "Gee, I wonder what kind of talks I'll get when I go home." "I guess we will find out. Your Dad is smaller than mine, right?" Mark asked sounding nervous. I laughed and he rolled towards the window for a nap. * * * "Hi, how long was I out?" He sat up and his face was lined from where he had been resting it on the window. "About three hours. We are almost to the Arizona border. Feel better?" "Yes, do you need me to drive?" "Nope, I have the hang of it now. Thanks for teaching me." "Yeah, I'm really glad you know how. It saves me from having to teach you this winter." Funny, it hadn't occurred to me yet that I would be driving the truck a lot more once we were married. "Hey, Megan. How quickly do you think you could plan a wedding?" I smiled at him, my thoughts running along the same lines. "It wouldn't take too long. When do you want to do it?" "Soon, I can't think of anything I want more than you for eternity. I am ready to make you mine right now." "August?" I asked, mentally crunching the numbers. "YES!" I smiled at his enthusiasm and he kissed my hand. "Mom is going to kill me for the short notice, but we can do it. Where?" "Utah's part way for each family and yours has to get you to school anyway right?" "Provo?" "I will call the temple as soon as we get to your house." "We should probably tell my family first." "Yeah, you're probably right." "It's funny, even though I am going home, I feel like my home is here with you." "A home!" Mark said, slapping his hand to his forehead. "I guess I will look for an apartment on my way back to Idaho, too. So many things to do." I laughed, "Nothing too expensive. We are going to need to start our savings. With any luck maybe we will have enough to adopt when we graduate." He smiled widely at this and squeezed my hand. What an amazing gift I was being given. My heart soared in prayer, thanking my Heavenly Father for strengthening my weakness, and sending me someone who could love me for who I am. About the Author Melody Burris once ventured deep down into the crust of the earth, only to find that she was claustrophobic. She stood on the rim of the Grand Canyon, only to discover she was afraid of heights. Now she creates a world of narrative where she can be as brave as she wants. She loves to live in this imaginary world whether she is reading or writing she can conquer any fear, brave any test and triumph in the end. Melody occasionally comes out of this world to brave a hiking trail, a trip to the big city, or dinner with the family. She's just brave enough to answer her emails at melody.burris@gmail.com. Put [Megan] in the subject line to help it through the spam filters. 1. Elders are men, from about 18 years old on up. In each congregation, they are organized into a Quorum, with a president (who has two Counselors for assistance), secretary, and instructors. 2. Ward: A congregation. In the LDS church, congregations are assigned by geography, so where you go to church is a function of where you live. In areas with high concentrations of Mormons, like BYU, a ward can encompass just two apartment buildings out of a complex. 3. LDS men are encouraged to serve a two-year mission for the Church beginning at age 18 – back then, it was 19. Missionaries are assigned to a locale, and given training in leadership and teaching skills (and language, if necessary.) LDS missionaries are assigned companions – someone they must be with and work with at all times. 4. Harris Fine Arts Center 5. Fireside: an evening church meeting, generally instructional. 6. FHE = Family Home Evening. LDS families are instructed to set aside one night a week for family gatherings, gospel teaching, and worthwhile interaction. At BYU, since everyone is somewhat alone, students are assigned to small groups to continue the practice. In each group, there will be an assigned "Dad" and "Mom." 7. Each member of the LDS church is visited by Home Teachers (a pair of Elders) and the women also have Visiting Teachers – a pair of women assigned by the Relief Society (the women's organization of the LDS Church.) The visits in each case are to make sure that there are no unmet needs (physical as well as spiritual.) To simplify reporting, the visiting teachers are divided into districts, and they report to a district supervisor, who collates the reports and passes them along to the President. 8. Positions in the LDS Church are assignments extended from the leaders of the congregation, and the members can either accept or reject the call to serve in that capacity. 9. Twice each year (in April and October), congregational meetings are suspended and the entire membership of the LDS Church has a televised meeting. There are two, two-hour sessions on Saturday for the general membership, one two-hour session for the men, followed by two more two-hour sessions on Sunday. Because the schedule is packed, the two hour session for the women is held a week before the big weekend of General Conference. 10. The Marriot Center on BYU campus is the large arena used for basketball and events that require a lot of seating. 11. This is LDS shorthand for being "in tune with the Spirit," meaning being able to feel a prompting from God. 12. A Bishop is the person in charge of an LDS congregation. He works under a Stake President, and a group of Wards is a Stake. 13. There are four magazines put out by the LDS Church for the members; The Friend, for children up to age 12; The New Era, for teens 12 to 18; and The Ensign, for adults. The Ensign has, among other things, the monthly messages to teach during Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching. The last is The Liahona which is published in languages other than English. 14. LDS meetinghouses are for weekly church events. Temples are sacred places for certain ordinances, primarily sealings, which allows families to stay together after death. 15. This meeting has talks assigned to members of the congregation, but centers around an ordinance called Sacrament, the LDS equivalent of Communion or the Last Supper. 16. A Personal Priesthood Interview is an interview with one's priesthood leader going over all one's responsibilities and duties. In a family, the priesthood leader is the father. 17. Choose The Right 18. The Young Women's program has three divisions: Beehives are 12 and 13 year olds, MIA Maids are 14 and 15, and Laurels are 16 through High School graduation. 19. Two popular phrases used by LDS leaders in the past. 20. The name for the youngest class of children, 3 and 4 years old. Gospel lessons for this group are, of necessity, very basic and uncomplicated. That doesn't make those lessons any less true. 21. Primary is the children's organization in the LDS Church. It covers Nursery for children from 18 months to 3 years, and other classes for children up to age twelve (including the Sunbeams, mentioned earlier). 22. High-school level courses of scripture study, taught by a member of the local congregation before school or in areas with a larger LDS population they are held during the school day and are taught by a professional teacher.

#coding=utf-8 ''' Created on 2015-11-4 @author: zhangtiande ''' from django.shortcuts import HttpResponse from teamvision.project.models import Project,Tag from django.contrib.auth.models import User from business.ucenter.account_service import AccountService class VM_AdminUser(object): ''' classdocs ''' def __init__(self,user,is_create=False): self.user=user self.is_create=is_create self.admin="" self.manager="" self.default_group="" self.set_user_group() def user_active(self): result="finished-check fa-check-square" if not self.user.is_active: result="fa-square-o unfinished-check" return result def user_name(self): return self.user.email def user_full_name(self): result=self.user.username if self.user.last_name and self.user.first_name: result=self.user.last_name+self.user.first_name return result def user_avatar(self): result="/static/global/images/fruit-avatar/Fruit-1.png" if self.user.extend_info: result=AccountService.get_avatar_url(self.user) return result def user_groups(self): return self.user.groups.all() def form_id(self): result="user_edit_form" if self.is_create: result="user_create_form" return result def set_user_group(self): if self.user: if self.user.groups.all().filter(id=27): self.admin="checked" elif self.user.groups.all().filter(id=28): self.manager="checked" else: self.default_group="checked"

Sigma Beauty Angled Brow Brush Sigma Beauty Angled Brow Brush The E75 Angled Brow Brush features a short, slightly stiff angled brush head. Use this brush with brow powder to fill in the brows using a sketching motion for a natural effect. Pairs well with Brow Powder Duo - choose from Light, Medium, or Dark.

Maizey Coming In Maizey hasn’t ever been inside this house. Dropped off here at the farm long ago, she has always been a farm dog, making her rounds, keeping a keen nose to the slightest change in the air and barking at whatever she felt needed fending off. In winter, she and her son Joe, kept each other company, curling up in the hay in the barn. But Joe died in the fall and Maizey, a good 15 years old, shivers now alone. It has taken gentle pushing to get her to cross over the doorstep and come inside. Temperature tonight is predicted to be 3 degrees F, with a windchill of -9. It is imperative that Maizey come in. Her first evening indoors, night before last, there was much pacing, tentative sniffing and more gentle pushing to get her to step across the threshold to go out and come back in again. She now goes in and out without hesitation— well, when she sniffed the snow out the backdoor early this morning, she turned around and came back in. Later, she stepped out onto the porch— and came back after one trot round around the yard. She likes sleeping on the rug in the bedroom, the mat in front of the wood-burning stove. I like her inside wherever she wants to be. The warmth is critical for her, as is the warmth of her company for me.

The quantum computing apocalypse is imminent Shlomi Dolev is the Chair Professor and founder of the Computer Science department of Ben-Gurion University of the Negev. He is the author of Self-Stabilization. Shlomi also is a cybersecurity entrepreneur and the co-founder and chief scientist of Secret Double Octopus. In the ancient world, they used cubits as an important data unit, but the new data unit of the future is the qubit — the quantum bits that will change the face of computing. Quantum bits are the basic units of information in quantum computing, a new type of computer in which particles like electrons or photons can be utilized to process information, with both “sides” (polarizations) acting as a positive or negative (i.e. the zeros and ones of traditional computer processing) alternatively or at the same time. According to experts, quantum computers will be able to create breakthroughs in many of the most complicated data processing problems, leading to the development of new medicines, building molecular structures and doing analysis going far beyond the capabilities of today’s binary computers. The elements of quantum computing have been around for decades, but it’s only in the past few years that a commercial computer that could be called “quantum” has been built by a company called D-Wave. Announced in January, the D-Wave 2000Q can “solve larger problems than was previously possible, with faster performance, providing a big step toward production applications in optimization, cybersecurity, machine learning and sampling.” IBM recently announced that it had gone even further — and that it expected that by the end of 2017 it would be able to commercialize quantum computing with a 50-qubit processor prototype, as well as provide online access to 20-qubit processors. IBM’s announcement followed the September Microsoft announcement of a new quantum computing programming language and stable topological qubit technology that can be used to scale up the number of qubits. Taking advantage of the physical “spin” of quantum elements, a quantum computer will be able to process simultaneously the same data in different ways, enabling it to make projections and analyses much more quickly and efficiently than is now possible. There are significant physical issues that must be worked out, such as the fact that quantum computers can only operate at cryogenic temperatures (at 250 times colder than deep space) — but Intel, working with Netherlands firm QuTech, is convinced that it is just a matter of time before the full power of quantum computing is unleashed. “Our quantum research has progressed to the point where our partner QuTech is simulating quantum algorithm workloads, and Intel is fabricating new qubit test chips on a regular basis in our leading-edge manufacturing facilities,” said Dr. Michael Mayberry, corporate vice president and managing director of Intel Labs. “Intel’s expertise in fabrication, control electronics and architecture sets us apart and will serve us well as we venture into new computing paradigms, from neuromorphic to quantum computing.” The difficulty in achieving a cold enough environment for a quantum computer to operate is the main reason they are still experimental, and can only process a few qubits at a time — but the system is so powerful that even these early quantum computers are shaking up the world of data processing. On the one hand, quantum computers are going to be a boon for cybersecurity, capable of processing algorithms at a speed unapproachable by any other system. By looking at problems from all directions — simultaneously — a quantum computer could discover anomalies that no other system would notice, and project to thousands of scenarios where an anomaly could turn into a security risk. Like with a top-performing supercomputer programmed to play chess, a quantum-based cybersecurity system could see the “moves” an anomaly could make later on — and quash it on the spot. The National Security Agency, too, has sounded the alarm on the risks to cybersecurity in the quantum computing age. “Quantum computing will definitely be applied anywhere where we’re using machine learning, cloud computing, data analysis. In security that [means] intrusion detection, looking for patterns in the data, and more sophisticated forms of parallel computing,” according to Kevin Curran, a cybersecurity researcher at Ulster University and IEEE senior member. But the computing power that gives cyber-defenders super-tools to detect attacks can be misused, as well. Last year, scientists at MIT and the University of Innsbruck were able to build a quantum computer with just five qubits, conceptually demonstrating the ability of future quantum computers to break the RSA encryption scheme. That ability to process the zeros and ones at the same time means that no formula based on a mathematical scheme is safe. The MIT/Innsbruck team is not the only one to have developed cybersecurity-breaking schemes, even on these early machines; the problem is significant enough that representatives of NIST, Toshiba, Amazon, Cisco, Microsoft, Intel and some of the top academics in the cybersecurity and mathematics worlds met in Toronto for the yearly Workshop on Quantum-Safe Cryptography last year. The National Security Agency, too, has sounded the alarm on the risks to cybersecurity in the quantum computing age. The NSA’s “Commercial National Security Algorithm Suite and Quantum Computing FAQ” says that “many experts predict a quantum computer capable of effectively breaking public key cryptography” within “a few decades,” and that the time to come up with solutions is now. According to many experts, the NSA is far too conservative in its prediction; many experts believe that the timeline is more like a decade to a decade and a half, while others believe that it could happen even sooner. And given the leaps in progress that are being made on almost a daily process, a commercially viable quantum computer offering cloud services could happen even more quickly; the D-Wave 2000Q is called that because it can process 2,000 qubits. That kind of power in the hands of hackers makes possible all sorts of scams that don’t even exist yet. For example, forward-looking hackers could begin storing encrypted information now, awaiting the day that fast, cryptography-breaking quantum computing-based algorithms are developed. While there’s a possibility that the data in those encrypted files might be outdated, there is likely to be more than enough data for hackers to use in various identity theft schemes, among other things. It’s certain that the threats to privacy and information security will only multiply in the coming decades. In fact, why wait? Hackers are very well-funded today, and it certainly wouldn’t be beyond their financial abilities to buy a quantum computer and begin selling encryption-busting services right now. It’s likely that not all the cryptography-breaking algorithms will work on all data, at least for now — this is a threat-in-formation — but chances are that at least some of them will, meaning that even now, cyber-criminals could utilize the cryptography-breaking capabilities of quantum computers, and perhaps sell those services to hackers via the Dark Web. That NSA document that predicted “decades” before quantum computers become a reality was written at the beginning of 2016, which shows how much progress has been made in barely a year and a half. The solution lies in the development of quantum-safe cryptography, consisting of information theoretically secure schemes, hash-based cryptography, code-based cryptography and exotic-sounding technologies like lattice-based cryptography, multivariate cryptography (like the “Unbalanced Oil and Vinegar scheme”), and even supersingular elliptic curve isogeny cryptography. These, and other post-quantum cryptography schemes, will have to involve “algorithms that are resistant to cryptographic attacks from both classical and quantum computers,” according to the NSA. Whatever the case, it’s certain that the threats to privacy and information security will only multiply in the coming decades, and that data encryption will proceed in lockstep with new technological advances.

Tissue reparative effects of macrolide antibiotics in chronic inflammatory sinopulmonary diseases. It is well established that macrolide antibiotics are efficacious in treating sinopulmonary infections in humans. However, a growing body of experimental and clinical evidence indicates that they also express distinct salutary effects that promote and sustain the reparative process in the chronically inflamed upper and lower respiratory tract. Unlike the anti-infective properties, these distinct effects are manifested at lower doses, usually after a relatively prolonged period (weeks) of treatment, and in the absence of an identifiable, viable pathogen. Long-term, low-dose administration of macrolide antibiotics has been used most commonly for sinusitis, diffuse panbronchiolitis, asthma, bronchiectasis, and cystic fibrosis. It is associated with down-regulation of nonspecific host inflammatory response to injury and promotion of tissue repair. Although large-scale trials are lacking, the prolonged use of these drugs has not been associated with emergence of clinically significant bacterial resistance or immunosuppression. Long-term, low-dose administration of 14- and 15-membered ring macrolide antibiotics may represent an important adjunct in the treatment of chronic inflammatory sinopulmonary diseases in humans.

Q: What is the size of codomain of a function $G(x) = F^A(x) \oplus F^B(x)$, where $F(x) = \text{Keccak-}f[1600](x)$? Assuming that $m$ is a multiset of bitstrings where all bitstrings have the same length, let $D(m)$ denote the number of distinct elements in $m$. That is, $D(m)$ is equal to the dimension of $m$. For example, if $$m = \{00, 10, 11, 10, 11\},$$ then $D(m)=3$. Let $F(x) = \text{Keccak-}f[1600](x)$, the block permutation function of SHA-3 (for $64$-bit words). We can define the following notation: $$\begin{array}{l} {F^0(x)} = x,\\ {F^1(x)} = F(x),\\ {F^2(x)} = F(F(x)),\\ {F^3(x)} = F(F(F(x))),\\ \ldots \end{array}$$ Assuming that $A$ and $B$ are two different natural numbers greater than or equal to $0$, let $G_{A, B}(x)$ denote a function defined as $$G_{A, B}(x) = F^A(x) \oplus F^B(x),$$ where $x$ denotes a $1600$-bit input and $\oplus$ denotes an XOR operation. Assuming that $L = 2^{1600}$, let $S_i$ denote an $i$-th bitstring from a set of all possible $1600$-bit inputs: $$\begin{array}{l} S_1 = 0^{1600},\\ S_2 = 0^{1599}1,\\ \ldots,\\ S_{L-1} = 1^{1599}0,\\ S_L = 1^{1600}.\\ \end{array}$$ Let $A$ and $B$ denote two arbitrarily large, but different natural numbers (one of them is allowed to be equal to $0$). For example, $$A = 0, B = 1$$ or $$A = 2^{3456789}, B = 9^{876543210}$$ are valid pairs. Then $$\begin{array}{l} S_{A, B}[i] = G_{A, B}(S_i),\\ C_{A, B} = \{S_{A, B}[1], S_{A, B}[2], \ldots, S_{A, B}[L-1], S_{A, B}[L]\}.\\ \end{array}$$ The question: can we assume that $D(C_{A, B})$ is expected to be approximately equal to $$(1-1/e) \times 2^{1600} = 10^{481} \times 2,810560755\ldots$$ for all (or almost all) pairs of $A$ and $B$? A: Let $\pi$ and $\sigma$ be two independent uniform random permutations, and $f$ a uniform random function. The best advantage of any $q$-query algorithm to distinguish $\pi + \sigma$ from $f$ is bounded by $(q/2^n)^{1.5}$[1]. In this case, the expected fraction of distinct outputs of $\pi + \sigma$ can't be too far from the expected fraction of distinct outputs from $f$, which is $1 - e^{-1} \approx 63\%$. What about $\sigma = \pi^2$, or $\sigma = \pi^k$ for $k > 2$? Then $\pi$ and $\sigma$ are not independent. Nevertheless, it would be rather surprising if this situation were substantially different. What about $\pi^{2^{3456789}} + \pi^{2^{987654321}}$ instead of $\pi + \pi^2$? This is the same as $\pi + \pi^{2^{987654321 - 3456789}}$. It's not clear why you would be worried about uncomputably large exponents like this unless you were flailing around without principle trying to make a design that looks complicated.

Whatever You Love, You Are Whatever You Love, You Are is the fifth studio album by Australian trio, Dirty Three, which was released in March 2000. Cover art is by their guitarist, Mick Turner. Australian musicologist, Ian McFarlane, felt that it showed "deep, rich, emotional musical vistas, and furthered the band’s connection to the music and approach of jazz great John Coltrane". Reception Track listing "Some Summers They Drop Like Flies" – 6:20 "I Really Should've Gone Out Last Night" – 6:55 "I Offered It Up to the Stars & the Night Sky" – 13:41 "Some Things I Just Don't Want to Know" – 6:07 "Stellar" – 7:29 "Lullabye for Christie" – 7:45 References General Note: Archived [on-line] copy has limited functionality. Specific Category:2000 albums Category:ARIA Award-winning albums Category:Dirty Three albums Category:Touch and Go Records albums

NEW HAVEN, Conn. (Project Syndicate) — In their new book “The Incredible Shrinking Alpha,” Larry E. Swedroe and Andrew L. Berkin describe an investment environment populated by increasingly sophisticated analysts who rely on big data, powerful computers, and scholarly research. With all this competition, “the hurdles to achieving alpha [returns above a risk-adjusted benchmark — and thus a measure of success in picking individual investments] are getting higher and higher.” That conclusion raises a key question: Will alpha eventually go to zero for every imaginable investment strategy? More fundamentally, is the day approaching when, thanks to so many smart people and smarter computers, financial markets really do become perfect, and we can just sit back, relax, and assume that all assets are priced correctly? This imagined state of affairs might be called the financial singularity, analogous to the hypothetical future technological singularity, when computers replace human intelligence. The financial singularity implies that all investment decisions would be better left to a computer program, because the experts with their algorithms have figured out what drives market outcomes and reduced it to a seamless system. Many believe that we are almost there. Even legendary investors like Warren Buffett, it is argued, are not really outperforming the market. In a recent paper, “Buffett’s Alpha,” Andrea Frazzini and David Kabiller of AQR Capital Management and Lasse Pedersen of Copenhagen Business School, conclude that Buffett is not generating significantly positive alpha if one takes account of certain lesser-known risk factors that have weighed heavily in his portfolio. The implication is that Buffet’s genius could be replicated by a computer program that incorporates these factors. If that were true, investors would abandon, en masse, their efforts to ferret out mispricing in the market, because there wouldn’t be any. Market participants would rationally assume that every stock price is the true expected present value of future cash flows, with the appropriate rate of discount, and that those cash flows reflect fundamentals that everyone understands the same way. Investors’ decisions would diverge only because of differences in their personal situation. For example, an automotive engineer might not buy automotive stocks — and might even short them — as a way to hedge the risk to his or her own particular type of human capital. Indeed, according to a computer crunching big data, this would be an optimal decision. There is a long-recognized problem with such perfect markets: No one would want to expend any effort to figure out what oscillations in prices mean for the future. Thirty-five years ago, in their classic paper, “On the Impossibility of Informationally Efficient Markets,” Sanford Grossman and Joseph Stiglitz presented this problem as a paradox: Perfectly efficient markets require the effort of smart money to make them so; but if markets were perfect, smart money would give up trying. The Grossman-Stiglitz conundrum seems less compelling in the financial singularity if we can imagine that computers direct all the investment decisions. Although alpha may be vanishingly small, it still represents enough profit to keep the computers running. But the real problem with this vision of financial singularity is not the Grossman-Stiglitz conundrum; it is that real-world markets are nowhere close to it. Computer enthusiasts are excited by things like the blockchain used by Bitcoin (covered on an education website called Singularity University, in a section dramatically titled Exponential Finance). But the futurists’ financial world bears no resemblance to today’s financial world. After all, the financial singularity implies that all prices would be based on such things as optimally projected future corporate profits and the correlation of profits with expected technological innovations and long-term demographic changes. But the smart money hardly ever talks in such ethereal terms. In this context, it is difficult not to think of China’s recent stock-market plunge. News accounts depict hordes of emotional people trading on hunch and superstition. That looks a lot more like reality than all the talk of impending financial singularity. Markets seem to be driven by stories, as I emphasized in my book “Irrational Exuberance.” There are stories of great new eras and of looming depressions. There are fundamental stories about technology and declining resources. And there are stories about politics and bizarre conspiracies. No one knows if these stories are true, but they take on a life of their own. Sometimes they go viral. When one has a heart-to-heart talk with many seemingly rational people, they turn out to have crazy theories. These people influence markets, because all other investors must reckon with them; and their craziness is not going away anytime soon. Maybe Buffett’s past investing style can be captured in a trading algorithm today. But that does not necessarily detract from his genius. Indeed, the true source of his success may consist in his understanding of when to abandon one method and devise another. The idea of financial singularity may seem inspiring; but it is no less illusory than the rational Utopia that inspired generations of central planners. Human judgment, good and bad, will drive investment decisions and financial-market outcomes for the rest of our lives and beyond. This article has been published with the permission of Project Syndicate — The Mirage of the Financial Singularity.

Children and their caretakers walk by the remains of the Flower Branch Apartments fire that killed 7 and left about 100 homeless last month as they get out of school in Silver Spring, MD on Thursday September 01, 2016. (Jabin Botsford/The Washington Post) Wendy Lopez started fifth grade Monday. On Tuesday, another nightmare. The school-loving 11-year-old’s days of reading and recess are followed by memories of chaos, screams of despair and the other lingering horrors of having her apartment blown apart by a gas explosion. “She was happy to be with her friends. She feels safer at school than at home,” said Wendy’s mother, Claudia Loayes, whose family lost everything they owned in last month’s explosion of a Silver Spring apartment complex that killed seven, including one of Wendy’s friends. “But she is still very scared. Any little sound, she says ‘What was that?’ ” In an interview, Loayes began to cry at the memory of the night she had to drag her daughter to safety through a hellscape of smoky rubble and walls of flame. The catastrophic blast, felt almost two miles away, was only the start of a shock wave that continues to roil the lives of survivors and witnesses, including the youngest ones. As the start of school introduced a welcome bit of routine almost three weeks after the catastrophe, the signs of trauma are clear in the children involved, both those who fled burning apartments and many more who watched from surrounding buildings as residents jumped from windows and parents dropped children to bystanders below. A bus drives by the remains of the Flower Branch Apartments fire. (Jabin Botsford/The Washington Post) [Huge fire and explosion levels Maryland apartment complex] “There is a lot of PTSD stuff coming out, kids who have started wetting their beds, kids fighting, kids afraid to sleep at night,” said Elena Reis, the head of Silver Spring’s YMCA Youth and Family Services, which provides mental health services to low-income residents in the neighborhood. “And we know that a lot them who aren’t showing any symptoms now, we’ll be seeing it over time.” Schools, community groups and county agencies are scrambling to assist the displaced and the traumatized. At New Hampshire Estates Elementary School, administrators provided two dedicated buses to get 15 students to and from their temporary housing. Four extra psychologists, in addition to school counselors, visited the children in classrooms and watched them discreetly at lunch and recess. One kindergartner built — and then knocked over — a block tower complete with flames and a firefighter, according to Principal Bob Geiger. Another student asked to use the office to call home so he could make sure that his mom was okay. At nearby Oakview Elementary, the alarms for the usual first-week fire drill were silenced in favor of a pantomime version that wouldn’t trigger any panic. “No lights, no sounds yet,” Principal Jeffrey Cline said. “We’ll work up to that.” An emotional peak came Thursday, when the mother of one of the children who died in the blast showed up at New Hampshire Estates and asked to see her 8-year-old son’s classroom, according to Reis, whose agency works with a counseling program in the school. “His teacher was crying, too. It was very sad,” she said. “This is all going to take a long time.” [Two young fire victims were buddies ] The explosion, which investigators said was caused by a rapid gas leak in a basement utility room, injured more than 30 people and collapsed four floors of apartments. It took more than 100 firefighters to contain the blaze, and the site remains a scene of stark devastation. Loayes, a hotel housekeeper, said she, her daughter and a toddler she was watching for a friend were in bed but awake in their second-floor apartment that night when a boom shook the walls. Seconds later, there were cries of “Fire! Fire! Get out!” Loayes, who thought an earthquake had struck, gathered the children and bolted to the front door. But the front door was gone. So were the hallway stairs. Wendy panicked, pulled away and ran back into the apartment. The flames were rising on all sides now. Loayes said she doesn’t know if it was the rubble around her legs or terror that paralyzed her. “I couldn’t move. I just screamed, ‘Wendy! Wendy!’ ” she said, crying at the memory. “I prayed as I’ve never prayed before.” The flames were surrounding her when she finally heard Wendy call out that she was with Renaldo, Loayes’s partner. Loayes, still holding the toddler, scrambled down the debris pile and, finally, into the clear. Wendy and others from the building gathered outside. But two boys, including the 8-year-old who was Wendy’s playmate, never made it out of the basement. One of their mothers stood in the light of the fire screaming for her child. “Every time we go by there, I hear those screams,” said Loayes. Her family is living in a temporary apartment across the street. Their view of the blast site — where their former home is a gaping crater — is screened by another building. She is among many residents who walk out of their way to shield their kids from the blackened, jagged ruins. One woman keeps her blinds closed day and night. Many of those still living in the complex, even in undamaged buildings, remain on edge. Christy Canjura, 16, a junior and cross-country runner at Montgomery Blair High School, said firetrucks have come back three times since the explosion after rumors of another gas leak. She has evacuated each time. “You get anxious all over again,” said Canjura, who lives in the complex with her mother. “We’re still stuck here, basically like we’re waiting for another explosion.” Randy Carbajal, a painter from El Salvador, said his three children have refused to return to their old apartment, which is adjacent to the building that blew up. The family has been crowded in with Carbajal’s brother and sister-in-law, returning to their old home only once to retrieve clothes. The children, once avid cooks, are unnerved by the gas stove. “They are afraid to go into their own kitchen,” he said. Elba Rivas has been hearing similar stories since the day after the blast. A therapist at the Mary Center, a health nonprofit organization a block from the blast site, Rivas said her first clients were openly traumatized. Lately, parents are bringing children in with upset stomachs, difficulty breathing and other medical complaints. Doctors at the center have quickly referred them to the counseling staff. “It’s beginning to show up as physical symptoms,” she said. Maritza Quintanilla, who looked out after the explosion to see clothes flying through the air followed by columns of fire, has been taking her two boys for counseling at the Mary Center once a week since the incident. Although they still struggle at night — Andy, 5, trembles at every siren and won’t sleep alone — they have begun to ride their bikes and play outside again. Still, “I would like to move to a house,” said Gerardo, 12. “I think it will be safer in a house.” Rivas and other counselors lamented that more families aren’t coming in for therapy. They say mental health services can be a hard sell in immigrant neighborhoods, where counseling may not have been commonly accepted in their home countries. And many are still overwhelmed with putting their daily lives back together. “Right now, they are still in survival mode, figuring out where they are living and getting the kids to school,” Reis said. “If a mom has an hour to come in, she may need to use it to go through clothes for her children.” Alma Couverthie, director of organizing at CASA de Maryland, said she has been discouraged by the number of victims coming in for other assistance who are clearly in need of emotional help. “My concern is when I ask them, ‘Are you getting any therapy?’ The answer is ‘No, I don’t have anybody,’ ” Couverthie said. “The counselors in the schools are great, but that may be one counselor for hundreds of kids.” Loayes, Wendy’s mom, said she hadn’t seen a therapist, nor had her daughter, even though both were still clearly unnerved by the nightmarish events. “I have been asking God to help her,” Loayes said of Wendy. “I tell her that God has given us another chance and we’re never going to go through that again.” Luz Lazo contributed to this report.

/** @file Intel Processor Power Management ACPI Code. Copyright (c) 2018 - 2019, Intel Corporation. All rights reserved.<BR> SPDX-License-Identifier: BSD-2-Clause-Patent **/ #include "CpuPowerMgmt.h" DefinitionBlock ( "CPU0PSD.aml", "SSDT", 0x02, "PmRef", "Cpu0Psd", 0x3000 ) { External(\PC00, IntObj) External(\TCNT, FieldUnitObj) External(\_SB.CFGD, FieldUnitObj) External(\_SB.PR00, DeviceObj) Scope(\_SB.PR00) { Name(HPSD,Package() // HW_ALL { Package() {5, // NumEntries. Current Value is 5. 0, // Revision. Current Value is 0. 0, // Domain. 0xFE, // Coordination type 0xFE = HW_ALL 0x80 // Number of processors. } }) Name(SPSD,Package() // SW_ALL { Package() {5, // NumEntries. Current Value is 5. 0, // Revision. Current Value is 0. 0, // Domain. 0xFC, // Coordination type 0xFC = SW_ALL 0x80 // Number of processors. } }) // // The _PSD object provides information to the OSPM related // to P-State coordination between processors in a multi-processor // configurations. // Method(_PSD,0) { If (And(\_SB.CFGD, PPM_TURBO_BOOST_MAX)) // Intel Turbo Boost Max 3.0 { Store (0, Index(DerefOf(Index(HPSD, 0)),2)) // Domain Store (1, Index(DerefOf(Index(HPSD, 0)),4)) // Number of processors belonging to the domain. } Else { Store (TCNT, Index(DerefOf(Index(HPSD, 0)),4)) Store (TCNT, Index(DerefOf(Index(SPSD, 0)),4)) } If(And(PC00,0x0800)) // If Hardware co-ordination of P states { Return(HPSD) } Return(SPSD) } } // End of Scope(\_SB.PR00) } // End of Definition Block

The owner of department store chain John Lewis has warned that staff bonuses could be slashed this year, as the effects of a weaker pound start to sting. On Thursday, John Lewis Partnership, which also owns Waitrose, posted a near 5 per cent increase in total sales over the crucial Christmas period on the previous year’s figure, but issued a cautious outlook. “Although we expect to report profits up on last year, trading profit is under pressure,” said Charlie Mayfield, chairman of the group. “This reflects the greater changes taking place across the retail sector. We expect those to quicken, especially in the next 12 months as the effects of weaker sterling feed through,” he added. John Lewis department stores reported a 2.7 per cent rise in like-for-like sales in the six weeks to 31 December, while Waitrose enjoyed a 2.8 per cent rise over the period. But the company said that the strong trading performance, coupled with “the likelihood of higher reported profits” for the full year, “risk overshadowing the importance the board is placing on the challenging market outlook” and that bonuses would likely be reduced. John Lewis Partnership said that the exact level of compensation would be decided as usual in March, but that bonuses were likely to be “significantly lower than last year.“ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' Show all 14 1 /14 John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ John Lewis 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer' John Lewis Launches 2016 Christmas Advertising Campaign ‘Buster The Boxer’ Figures from research firm Kantar Worldpanel showed this week that British shoppers spent almost half a billion pounds more on groceries in the lead up to Christmas than they did in the same period last year. But retailers have issued cautious outlooks and consumer confidence remains shaky. Shoppers are spending more on essentials and less on luxury items, a recent Barclaycard report found.

Toni, FYI. Vince ---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 10/09/2000 11:12 AM --------------------------- "Martin Jermakyan" <martin@electrapartners.com> on 10/09/2000 10:55:34 AM Please respond to "Martin Jermakyan" <martin@electrapartners.com> To: Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT@ECT cc: Subject: Updated resume Dear Vince, Attached please find my upgraded resume. Look forward to hearing from you. Regards, Martin - martin .doc

Tuesday, 22 December 2009 Indian surgeons, Oz aid give Iraqi boy new life Undertaking a rare and complicated brain surgery, doctors at the Indraprastha Apollo Hospital in Delhi have saved the life of a 14-year-old Iraqi student. The expensive surgery was funded by Iraqi Christians in Australia, doctors said here Tuesday. "It was a very complicated operation. The planning and execution of the surgery was very, very complex and we had not handled such a case till this boy came in," Pranav Kumar, a leading neurosurgeon at the hospital, told. Ahmed Hashmi from Iraq was brought to Apollo hospital with a large aneurysm in one of four main arteries in the brain. He had already suffered a stroke, resulting in slurred speech and weakness of right side of his body. "To stop any further risk, the diseased artery had to be blocked immediately. However, the preliminary tests revealed that the brain could not have tolerated closure of this abnormal artery," Pranav Kumar added. Shahin Nooreyezdan, a member of the team of doctors who treated Ahmed, said: "Though brain is a very small part of the body, it needs at least 20 percent of the total blood supply. But this problem was obstructing blood flow to his brain. The aneurysm was like a ticking time-bomb, capable of bursting anytime and causing massive brain haemorrhage." "Had it been left untreated, Ahmed's life span would have been very short," added Hash Rastogi, another senior doctor at Apollo. The surgery was carried out in two steps - on Dec 4 and Dec 11. The entire expenses of the surgery -Rs.1.4 million - were met by Iraqi Christians based in Australia. "In stage one of the treatment, a delicate bypass surgery was carried out on his brain successfully. In this operation, a small artery from his face was connected to one of the fine arteries in the brain. This resumed blood supply to brain," Nooreyezdan said. "A week later, we successfully blocked the abnormal artery. "The treatment has defused the time bomb, which Ahmed was carrying in his brain," Rastogi added. Wearing a green hospital dress, holding a gift pack and a chocolate, Ahmed was happy. "I have suffered a lot and thank God I am out of it now. I thank all my doctors for giving me a new"He is out of danger. But, he needs to take care against any head injury in future," he said. Ahmed, whose father is dead, belongs to a poor family. After he was diagnosed with the disease and Iraqi doctors were not in a condition to cure him, his sister contacted a foundation in Australia on the internet and requested help. "This is how Ahmed got the funding and now you can see him smiling," said Walid M. Albakili, another doctor and research fellow in charge of Gulf and Arab region. life." "I have already missed my school for six months and am eager to get back soon," said the 14-year-old who wishes to see Taj Mahal before leaving Delhi for his homeland. Pranav Kumar said that the boy is now almost fit and in two weeks he will be ready to leave for Iraq.

Dopaminergic inhibition of gonadotropic release in hibernating frogs, Rana temporaria. The influence of a dopaminergic antagonist, metoclopramide (MET), and an agonist, bromocriptine (BROMO), on reproductive status was examined in female frogs, Rana temporaria. MET induced advanced ovulation during hibernation, suggesting dopaminergic inhibition of gonadotropin (LH) release during this period. BROMO did not decrease plasma LH in intact females in comparison with vehicle (VEH)-treated controls (VEH: 11 +/- 6 vs BROMO: 5 +/- 4 ng/ml) or in sham-lesioned (SL) females (SL; 12 +/- 5 vs SL + BROMO: 9 +/- 8 ng/ml). However, BROMO significantly depressed the rise in plasma LH following lesioning (L) which disconnected the hypothalamus from the medium eminence-pituitary complex (L + BROMO: 29 +/- 10 vs L: 74 +/- 30 ng/ml; P < 0.002). Taken together with previous results of lesion studies, these data point to an important role of dopaminergic inhibition in the regulation of seasonal reproduction in this frog.

Tough economic times have prompted many Britons to seek out some unusual help in order to get ahead: elocution lessons. Calls to companies offering speech tutors have soared in recent years as job seekers worry their accents are holding them back and parents fret their children will miss out on places at elite private schools unless they speak "posh." Some tutors are working with children as young as two years old, often charging up to $90 an hour for their services. Private speech tutors have popped up by the dozens, offering a range of courses for children and adults. These modern-day versions of Professor Henry Higgins, the fictional linguist who taught Eliza Doolittle an upper-crust accent in My Fair Lady, belie the notion that Britain is moving away from its class system or that accents are fading away. If anything, today's economic slowdown has proven that both remain entrenched. Story continues below advertisement "It is a class statement, I suppose, in many ways," said Nathaniel McCullagh, who runs Simply Learning Tuition, which works on speaking techniques with young children in London, including many who come from wealthy immigrant families. Mr. McCullagh said the company's tutors often act as "role models" for children aged 3 or 4, giving them a chance to hear a proper English accent and learn to speak with confidence. The tutors "are not super-middle or upper-class or anything, they've just got nice neutral accents. That's a major part of the job," he said. Speaking properly can be critical to getting into top London preschools, he added. Like schools sought out by ambitious parents in New York and other big global cities, they often informally assess a child's speaking during the admission process. These schools will put a child in an interview situation and ask his or her name and age. "They expect a level of response and they are able to pick from the very brightest kids in the country," Mr. McCullagh said. "And the parents know this. The parents are paying tutors to go in and just socialize with their children to bring up their confidence levels, to get them used to talking to adult who aren't the parents." Teenagers, too, are being put into elocution lessons by their parents to help stamp out slang and improve their accents. One primary school in Essex is offering regular elocution lessons, hoping to teach students to say "computer" instead of "computa" and "aren't" instead of "ain't." Teachers say it has helped improve spelling, reading and writing and given children confidence they'll need to face a tough job market. For many adults, too, toning down a regional accent can make all the difference in getting a job or advancing in a career. In a study last year, thetutorpages.com, a private tutoring company based in London, said it received more requests for tutors teaching correct speech than for any other subject. And many of those asking for help said "they wanted to modify or lose their accents because they feared being ridiculed or held back in their careers," the company found. Robin Woolridge deals with many of those people all the time in his speech practice in Birmingham. The surrounding area is home to a particular "black country" accent, a dialect that originated in the West Midlands where gritty industry thickened the air with black smoke. Mr. Wooldridge said it is among the most difficult to understand in Britain and many who have it are eager to lose it. Story continues below advertisement "They want to soften it or make it more neutral," he said. While many of his clients have stunning qualifications on paper, and a number are professionals such as doctors and lawyers, they believe their accents are holding them back. Many critics argue starting tutoring toddlers in speech goes too far and that children should be left to learn on their own at that age. But others, like Matt Simandl, a part-time actor who also gives elocution lessons, say the reality is that people are judged on their accents. "People at the top speak with a kind of posh accent and so others want to speak like that," he said.

Introduction {#Sec1} ============ Alcohol use disorders (AUD) are common and associated with significant morbidity and mortality \[[@CR1]--[@CR3]\], but are substantially undertreated. In 2013, 16.6 million U.S. adults met diagnostic criteria for an AUD, but research suggests only 7.8% received any formal treatment \[[@CR4]\]. One of the major gaps in treatment for AUD is the significant under-utilization of medications that are effective for treating AUD \[[@CR1], [@CR5], [@CR6]\]. Three medications---*disulfiram*, *acamprosate*, and *naltrexone* (both oral and injectable)---have FDA approval specifically for the treatment of AUD, and *topiramate* has strong meta-analytic support \[[@CR7]\]. Efforts to increase treatment of AUD with medications is motivated in part because the modality may address many reported barriers to receiving any formal AUD treatment \[[@CR4], [@CR8]\]. For instance, psychosocial treatments are often offered in group settings, heightening stigma-related issues for some patients, whereas medications can be provided on an individual basis \[[@CR9]\]. In addition, patients may not be ready to abstain \[[@CR8], [@CR10]\]. Further, though this may be shifting over time \[[@CR11], [@CR12]\], many treatment programs view abstinence as the ultimate goal \[[@CR8]\], whereas abstinence is not required with all medications and reduced drinking can be a goal of medication treatment \[[@CR9]\]. Finally, AUD medications can be offered across healthcare settings, including primary care, which has been highlighted as an optimal setting for expansion of care for AUD \[[@CR8], [@CR13], [@CR14]\]. Despite the promise of medication treatment for addressing several known barriers to AUD treatment and national recommendations encouraging medications be made available to all patients with AUD \[[@CR15], [@CR16]\], rates of pharmacotherapy for AUD remain extremely low. Among patients with AUD, 4-12% are treated pharmacologically \[[@CR1], [@CR6], [@CR17]--[@CR21]\]. Among subsets of patients with AUD and co-occurring schizophrenic, bipolar, posttraumatic stress or major depressive disorder, receipt of medications for AUD ranged from 7 to 11%, whereas receipt of medications for the comorbid disorder ranged from 69 to 82% \[[@CR19]\]. This gap in the quality of AUD treatment is well known, and the substantial barriers to provision of AUD medications in diverse contexts have been described \[[@CR22]--[@CR27]\]. However, the optimal strategies for addressing these barriers and increasing use of medications for AUD treatment remain elusive. In recent years, two related lines of research have contributed to knowledge regarding strategies to increase use of medications to treat AUD: evaluations of care delivery interventions and evaluations of implementation interventions. Care delivery interventions typically focus on improving patient-level clinical outcomes (e.g., reduction in heavy drinking days or abstinence from alcohol use), but often secondarily assess patient- or clinician-level process outcomes focused on treatment receipt (e.g., engagement in pharmacotherapy for AUD). Implementation interventions are typically designed to improve patient- or clinician-level process outcomes, but sometimes secondarily include patient-level clinical outcomes when the evidence for the effects of the underlying practice is weak (so called Hybrid I studies) \[[@CR28]\]. Other key differences exist between these types of research that may influence both clinical and process outcomes. Most importantly, care delivery interventions typically involve recruitment of patients who are willing to be randomized to the treatment arms contained within the new care delivery model. Thus, these trials may be restricted to patients who are at least open to, if not actively interested in, treatment for AUD. On the other hand, evaluations of implementation interventions typically recruit and intervene on clinical entities (e.g., providers, clinics, hospitals) who serve large groups of patients who likely have more variable interest in treatment. Further, evaluations of care delivery interventions are typically designed to establish the effectiveness (or lack thereof) of particular care delivery models. Thus, these studies generally put significant effort and resources into ensuring fidelity to the care delivery model. On the other hand, implementation evaluations are often trying to establish the effectiveness of bundles of strategies (interventions) to increase uptake of practices that do not depend on external research resources. Thus, evaluations of implementation interventions may measure fidelity as a process outcome but typically exert less direct control \[[@CR29]\]. Even though care delivery and implementation interventions differ in terms of methodology, patient inclusion criteria, and primary outcomes, they may evaluate the effectiveness of the same underlying implementation strategies, such as reorganizing, supplementing, or intervening on existing models of care \[[@CR29]\]. The fact that the same component implementation strategies (e.g., audit and feedback) have been evaluated by these different research designs with very different patient populations affords an opportunity to take stock of the effectiveness of these interventions, and to distill insights into which designs, contexts, and component strategies appear to drive outcomes. Therefore, our goal was to conduct a structured review of published evaluations of care delivery and implementation interventions that have either primarily or secondarily aimed to increase use of pharmacotherapy for patients with AUD, with the goal of identifying component strategies that may be effective in increasing pharmacologic treatment of AUD. Our review was guided by an existing taxonomy of implementation strategies and terms identified via a three-round modified-Delphi process \[[@CR30]\]. The purpose of our review was to learn which components have been tried most commonly and which strategies might be associated with larger effects. Also, due to the fact that evaluations of care delivery interventions exert greater efforts to ensure fidelity and include patients willing to be randomized, we hypothesized that higher adoption of medications for AUD will be observed in those contexts compared to implementation interventions, which typically aim to intervene on clinician and patient populations with greater variability in treatment motivation, knowledge, and preferences. Methods {#Sec2} ======= For this structured literature review, we sought to identify published evaluations of care delivery and implementation interventions reporting effects on receipt of medication treatments for patients with AUD. We reviewed literature through May 2018. Studies were identified via searching PubMed, Google Scholar, and PsychInfo with relevant search terms (e.g., pharmacotherapy, alcohol use disorder medications, AUD medications, naltrexone, Acamprosate, disulfiram, medication-assisted treatment). We also reviewed reference lists from identified studies to identify additional studies that may have been missed by our search. Finally, because we have personally conducted and/or served as co-investigators on related studies, additional studies were also identified via networking. Once identified, each individual article was coded for implementation strategies used, as guided by Powell et al.'s refined compilation of implementation strategies resulting from the Expert Recommendations for Implementing Change (ERIC) project \[[@CR30]\]. All articles were independently reviewed and coded by two investigators (EW and TM). When multiple articles and/or published protocols or commentaries were identified that described a single intervention and/or implementation effort, these articles were aggregated to the level of the intervention (e.g., three studies had adjoining published protocol papers, which were coded under the umbrella of a single study). Once coded, all authors met to review coding discrepancies, discuss interpretation of codes, arrive at consensus, and revise individual codes based on consensus. After reaching internal consensus on coding, we reached out to the lead or senior author of each study to ask whether our codes aligned with their understanding/interpretation of their study and associated report. We shared Powell et al's description of strategies and asked them to review our coding to see if they thought we had missed or miscoded anything. Finally, process (e.g., rates of prescribed AUD pharmacotherapy) and alcohol use outcome data were extracted from each study and described. All authors reviewed the coding of implementation strategies against study outcomes data to qualitatively identify sets of implementation strategies that might have been be most effective for increasing provision of AUD medications and report whether interventions that increased AUD pharmacotherapy also improved alcohol use outcomes. Results {#Sec3} ======= Our literature review identified nine studies that evaluated interventions to primarily or secondarily increase utilization of pharmacotherapy for AUD. Four were randomized clinical trials of care delivery interventions designed to improve alcohol-related outcomes \[[@CR31]--[@CR38]\]. Four were quasi-experimental evaluations of large-scale implementation interventions designed to increase medication receipt \[[@CR39]--[@CR43]\], and one was a quasi-experimental evaluation of targeted implementation intervention in a single-site \[[@CR44]\]. Two additional studies were identified but not included. The first reported on a large-scale implementation intervention designed to increase screening and brief intervention for unhealthy alcohol use and secondarily assessed whether the implementation was associated with increased receipt of AUD medications among those who screened positive \[[@CR45]\]. However, it was not clear how many of the patients who screened positive met diagnostic criteria for AUD and thus would have been eligible for medication treatment, and, though findings regarding medication use were summarized, detailed data were not reported. The second report was a description of a demonstration project to implement extended release naltrexone in Los Angeles County, but no evaluation of the program's effect on receipt of medication treatment among patients with AUD was reported \[[@CR46]\]. Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"} presents implementation strategies identified by our internal coding process across each identified study (labelled with X). All lead or senior authors of studies responded to our request for review of the codes and added additional codes (labelled with an O). Implementation strategies used were variable across the studies, and no strategy was used across all studies (Table [1](#Tab1){ref-type="table"}). The most frequently used strategies were assessing readiness and identifying barriers and facilitators, distributing educational materials, facilitating relay of clinical data to providers (audit and feedback), and providing ongoing consultation. Strategies less frequently used involved payment and/or incentives or changes in laws and/or credentialing and licensing.Table 1Implementation strategies identified in published evaluations of care delivery and implementation interventions that have aimed to increase medication treatment for patients with alcohol use disorderStrategySaitz AHEAD CCM \[[@CR32]\]Oslin\ Alcohol Care Management \[[@CR31]\]Watkins\ SUMMIT \[[@CR35]--[@CR38]\]Bradley CHOICE \[[@CR33], [@CR34]\]Robinson Group Manage \[[@CR44]\]Harris\ VA Academic Detailing Program \[[@CR40]\]Hagedorn\ ADaPT--PC \[[@CR39], [@CR42]\]Ford\ Medication Research Partnership \[[@CR43]\]Ornstein\ PPRNet-TRIP \[[@CR41]\]Row totalAssess readiness and identify barriers/facilitatorsOXXXXXX7Distribute educational materialsXXXXXXX7Facilitate relay of clinical data to providersXXXXXXX7Provide ongoing consultationOXXXXXO7Intervene with patients/consumers to enhance uptake and adherenceOXOXXX6Conduct ongoing trainingOXXXXX6Create new clinical teamsXXXXXO6Identify and prepare championsOXXXXX6Provide local technical assistanceOOXXXX6Conduct educational meetingsXXXXXX6Develop and implement tools for quality monitoringXXXXXX6Develop/organize quality monitoring systemsXXXXX5Conduct educational outreach visitsOXXXX5Audit and provide feedbackOOXXX5Develop educational materialsXXXXO5Organize clinician implementation team meetingsOXXXX5FacilitationOXXXX5Obtain formal commitmentsXXXXX5Remind cliniciansOXOXX5Revise professional rolesOXXXO5Provide clinical supervisionXXXX4Develop academic partnershipsXXOO4Promote adaptabilityOXXX4Centralize technical assistanceOXXO4Conduct cyclical small tests of changeXOXO4Create a learning collaborativeXXXO4Make training dynamicXXOO4Purposely reexamine the implementationOOXX4Tailor strategiesXXXX4Use an implementation advisorXOOO4Use data warehousing techniquesOXXX4Conduct local needs assessmentXXX3Change record systemsOOX3Promote network weavingXXO3Build a coalitionOXO3Conduct local consensus discussionsOXO3Develop a formal implementation blueprintXXX3Recruit, designate, and train for leadershipXOX3Access new fundingOX2Change service sitesXX2Increase demandXX2Involve executive boardsOO2Involve patients/consumers and family membersXX2Prepare patients to be active participantsOX2Use advisory boards and workgroupsOO2Use data expertsX?2Capture and share local knowledgeXX2Identify early adoptersOO2Make billing easierXO2Visit other sitesXX2Alter incentive/allowance structuresX1Alter patient/consumer feesX1Change physical structure and equipmentO1Inform local opinion leadersX1Mandate changeX1Model and simulate changeX1Use train-the-trainer strategiesO1Fund and contract for the clinical innovation0Work with educational institutions0Develop resource sharing agreements0Change accreditation or membership requirements0Change liability laws0Create/change credentialing and/or licensure standards0Develop an implementation glossary0Develop disincentives0Obtain/use patient/consumer/family feedback0Place innovation on fee for service lists/formularies0Shadow other experts0Stage implementation scale up0Start a dissemination organization0Use capitated payments0Use mass media0Use other payment schemes0 The effects of the interventions on receipt of AUD pharmacotherapy were also variable across studies (Table [2](#Tab2){ref-type="table"}). In three of the four randomized evaluations of care delivery models \[[@CR31]--[@CR33]\], the interventions were associated with varying magnitude of increased receipt of AUD medications. At follow-up, treatment group rates of medication receipt ranged from 13 \[[@CR36]\] to almost 70% \[[@CR31]\]. The latter study, Oslin's Alcohol Care Management model \[[@CR31]\], was the only approach to significantly increase receipt of AUD medications and improve patient-level alcohol use outcomes (Table [2](#Tab2){ref-type="table"}). Two of the four implementation interventions \[[@CR40], [@CR41]\] were associated with increased AUD medication receipt. While Ornstein's Practice Partner Research Network-Translating Research Into Practice (PPRNet-TRIP) intervention appeared to have small early effects, proportions of patients receiving medications were so low that continued evaluation over time was not possible \[[@CR41]\]. The Veterans Health Administration's (VA) Academic Detailing Program appeared to increase rates of AUD medication receipt from 4.6 to 8.3% among patients with AUD \[[@CR40]\]. Receipt of AUD medications also appeared to increase in in a single VA facility after implementation of a group medication management program attended by patients taking and considering medication treatment \[[@CR44]\].Table 2Study designs and intervention effects on AUD medication receiptStudy\ (Author, abbreviated name, and reference)Sample size\ (Patients/sites)% Receiving AUD medicationsMeasure of AUD medication receiptIntervention and intervention effectSAITZ, AHEAD CCM \[[@CR32]\]563/1*BASELINE*:\ Intervention 4%\ Control 8%Receipt of addiction medication (buprenorphine, methadone, naltrexone, Acamprosate, disulfiram)*Program Name and Brief Description*: The Addiction Health Evaluation and Disease (AHEAD) Management Chronic Care Management (CCM) model "included longitudinal care coordinated with a primary care clinician; motivational enhancement therapy; relapse prevention counseling; and on-site medical, addiction, and psychiatric treatment, social work assistance, and referrals (including mutual help). The control group received a primary care appointment and a list of treatment resources including a telephone number to arrange counseling." AHEAD CCM was delivered by a multidisciplinary team (nurse care manager, social worker, internists, psychiatrist with addiction expertise)\ *Setting*: Hospital-based primary care practice (patients recruited from residential detoxification unit and referrals from urban teaching hospital) in Boston, MA\ *Goal*: Harm reduction\ *Key Components*: Use of registry to track and proactively reach out to patients, longitudinal care coordinated with primary care clinician and facilitated by shared electronic health record (EHR), motivational enhancement therapy, relapse prevention counseling, on-site medical, addiction and psychiatric treatment, social work assistance, and referrals (including to mutual help)\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: OR = 1.88 (95% CI 1.28--2.75) *p* = 0.001\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Not significant*FOLLOW-UP*:\ Intervention 21%\ Control 15%OSLIN Alcohol Care Management \[[@CR31]\]163/3*BASELINE*:\ Not reportedReceipt of naltrexone*Program Name and Brief Description*: Alcohol Care Management "focused on the use of pharmacotherapy and psychosocial support. Alcohol Care Management was delivered in-person or by telephone within the primary care clinic. The control group received standard treatment in a specialty outpatient addiction treatment program" Delivered by a behavioral health provider in-person or over-the-phone with primary care provider recommendation and support. Behavioral health providers were trained in motivational interviewing\ *Setting*: Veteran Affairs (VA) primary care in New York and Philadelphia\ *Goal*: Abstinence\ *Key Components*: Weekly 30 min visits, individualized patient education, pharmacotherapy and psychosocial support, repeated assessment of alcohol use, encouraged treatment adherence, monitoring of problems and management of potential side effects, use of shared EHR for communication with primary care provider\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: Naltrexone prescribed in 65.9% of the Alcohol Care Management group relative to 11.5% in control; Chi^2^ 50.10, *p* \< 0.001\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: The Alcohol Care Management group was more likely to refrain from heavy drinking than the control (OR = 2.16, 96% CI 1.27--3.66) but no effect on any alcohol use (OR = 1.40, 95% CI 0.75--2.59)*FOLLOW-UP*:\ Intervention 65.9%\ Control 11.5%WATKINS SUMMIT \[[@CR35]--[@CR38]\]377/2*BASELINE*:\ Not reportedReceipt of any "medication assisted treatment" with either long-acting injectable naltrexone or buprenorphine/naloxone.*Program Name and Brief Description*: Collaborative care "was a system-level intervention, designed to increase the delivery of either a 6-session brief psychotherapy treatment and/or medication-assisted treatment with either sublingual buprenorphine/naloxone for opioid use disorders (OUDs) or long-acting injectable naltrexone for alcohol use disorders (AUDs). The control group was told that the clinic provided opioid and/or alcohol use disorder treatment and given a number for appointment scheduling and list of community referrals." Delivered by care coordinators and therapists with a social work degree\ *Setting*: Primary care at Federally Qualified Health Center in L.A., CA\ *Goal*: Increase screening and brief intervention for unhealthy alcohol use\ *Key components*: Intended 6 sessions of brief psychotherapy and/or med-assisted treatment (buprenorphine/naloxone for OUD and naltrexone for AUDs), repeated assessments of substance use, use of registry to track and proactively reach out to patients, motivation and encouragement of engagement in therapy\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: OR comparing intervention to control at 6-months follow-up for patients with AUD and/or OUD = 1.23 (95% CI 0.60--2.40) *p* = 0.53. Published commentary from SUMMIT investigators \[[@CR37]\] suggests similar non-significant findings among patients with AUD only\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Among patients with AUD only (54% of the sample) the SUMMIT intervention was significantly associated with abstinence from any alcohol use and all opioids at follow-up and was borderline significant for no heavy drinking in the past 30 days.*FOLLOW-UP*:\ Intervention 13.4%\ Control 12.6%BRADLEY CHOICE \[[@CR33], [@CR34]\]304/3*BASELINE*:\ Intervention 1% versus Control 2%Receipt of naltrexone, Acamprosate or disulfiram*Program Name and Brief Description*: Choosing Healthier Options in Primary Care (CHOICE) was a care management intervention in which "nurse care managers offered outreach and engagement, repeated brief counseling using motivational interviewing and shared decision making about treatment options, and nurse practitioner--prescribed AUD medications (if desired), supported by an interdisciplinary team (CHOICE intervention). The control group received usual primary care."\ *Setting*: VA Primary care in Washington State\ *Goal*: Harm reduction\ *Key components*: Proactive outreach and engagement, repeated brief counseling using MI and shared decision-making about treatment options (AUD medication, biomarker assessment if abnormal baseline, behavioral goal-setting and skills development for reducing drinking, encouragement of mutual help and/or specialty addictions treatment, self-monitoring)\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: OR = 6.3 (95% CI 3.4--11.8) *p* \< 0.0001\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Not significant*FOLLOW-UP*:\ Intervention 32% versus Control 8%ROBINSON, Group Management \[[@CR44]\]1600/1*BASELINE*:\ Increasing 0.08%/month in pre-implementation periodReceipt of naltrexone or Acamprosate, or extended-release naltrexone*Program Name and Brief Description*: Group Management of pharmacotherapy initially implemented to provide continued access during a staffing shortage, sought to provide psychosocial education on medication management for alcohol dependence. Delivered by an addiction psychiatrist in collaboration with either an Addiction Therapist or a Certified Nurse Specialist\ *Setting*: VA San Diego Health Care System\ *Goal*: Increase adoption of pharmacotherapy for AUD\ *Key components*: Group participants capped at 8, review of naltrexone and Acamprosate, discussion of side effects or benefits, discussion of barriers to sobriety in group format. Sessions lasted 1 h\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: The rate of increase in the percent of patients treated pharmacologically for alcohol dependence increased 0.08% per month in the pre-implementation period to 0.21% per month after group visits were implemented\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Not measured*FOLLOW-UP*:\ Increasing 0.21%/month in post-implementation periodHARRIS, VA Academic Detailing Program \[[@CR40]\]NA/37*BASELINE*:\ Intervention 4.56%\ Control 6.01%Monthly rates of receipt of naltrexone (oral or injectable), Acamprosate, disulfiram, or topiramate*Program Name and Brief Description*: VA Academic Detailing Program in which "The academic detailers strove to educate, motivate, and enable key health care providers to identify and address the spectrum of hazardous alcohol use, especially to facilitate more active consideration of pharmacological treatment options for AUD." Academic detailers were clinical pharmacy specialists\ *Setting*: VA medical centers and outpatient clinics in California, Nevada and the Pacific Islands\ *Goal*: Increase adoption of pharmacotherapy for AUD\ *Key components*: Local champions and leadership buy-in, dashboard for identifying patient candidates for AUD medication, repeated in-person visits to educate and build rapport with priority providers, problem-solve barriers and address knowledge gaps/misunderstanding about AUD meds, additional educational resources (e.g., patient education tools and pocket cards), integrated audit and feedback tools into EHR for identifying AUD patients, commitment from providers to increase prescribing patterns for AUD medication, monitoring and follow-up\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: Slope of intervention sites increased more steeply than slope at control sites (*p* \< 0.001). From immediately pre-intervention to the end of the observation period (Month 16--Month 36), the percent of patients with AUD who received medication increased 3.36% in absolute terms and 67.77% in relative terms\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Not measured*FOLLOW-UP*:\ Intervention 8.32%\ Control 6.90%HAGEDORN, ADaPT--PC \[[@CR39], [@CR42]\]NA/3*BASELINE*:\ Intervention 3.8%\ at end of pre-implementation period\ Control 3.7%Monthly rates of filled prescription for AUD medication (oral/injectable naltrexone, Acamprosate, disulfiram, topiramate) within 30 days after PC visit*Program Name and Brief Description*: Alcohol Use Disorder Pharmacotherapy and Treatment in Primary Care settings (ADaPT--PC) "targets stakeholder groups with tailored strategies based on implementation theory and prior research identifying barriers to implementation of AUD pharmacotherapy. Local SUD providers and primary care mental health integration (PCMHI) providers are trained to serve as local implementation/clinical champions and receive external facilitation. Primary care providers receive access to consultation from local and national clinical champions, educational materials, and a dashboard of patients with AUD on their caseloads for case identification. Veterans with AUD diagnoses receive educational information in the mail just prior to a scheduled PC visit." Delivered by site champions and external facilitators\ *Setting*: VA primary care\ *Goal*: Increase adoption of pharmacotherapy for AUD\ *Key components*: Training local champions, website with educational materials for primary care providers, a case-finding dashboard, technical assistance from local and national experts\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: Rate of change (slope) increased significantly in the implementation period (*p* = 0.0023). Immediate post-implementation change not significant (*p* = 0.3401). Change over 12-month post-implementation relative to pre-implementation change significant (0.0033). No difference between intervention and control sites in immediate post-implementation change (p-0.8508). No difference between intervention and control sites in post-implementation slope (*p* = 0.4793)\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Not measured*FOLLOW-UP*:\ Intervention 5.2%\ at end of implementation period\ Control 5.8%FORD\ Medication Research Partnership \[[@CR43]\]3887/9*BASELINE*:\ Intervention 9.0%\ Control 11.4%Receipt of AUD medication during an episode of care*Program Name and Brief Description*: Medication Research Partnership, "a collaboration between a national commercial health plan and nine addiction treatment centers, implemented organizational and system changes to promote use of federally approved medications for treatment of alcohol and opioid use disorders." Delivered by commercial health plan, "nationally recognized experts in the substance abuse field," and "change leaders."\ *Setting*: Specialty addiction treatment centers located on Northeastern seaboard of the U.S.\ *Goal*: Promote use of federally approved medications for AUD/OUD\ *Key components*: "Change leaders" and "change teams," external coaches, rapid change cycles to test strategies to promote medication use, provider training and technical assistance\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: Difference in differences at Year 3:\ Unadjusted: 5.8%; Adjusted: 5.2% (95% CI − 4.1 to 14.5) *p* = 0.27\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Not measured*3-YEAR FOLLOW-UP*:\ Intervention 26.5%\ Control 23.1%ORNSTEIN PPRNet-TRIP \[[@CR41]\]15053/19*EARLY INTERVENTION CLINICS:*\ Phase 1: 2.6%\ Phase 2: 5.5%Prescription for disulfiram, naltrexone (oral or injectable), Acamprosate, or topiramate*Program Name and Brief Description*: Practice Partner Research Network-Translating Research Into Practice (PPRNet-TRIP) involved "practice site visits for academic detailing and participatory planning and network meetings for 'best practice' dissemination"\ *Setting*: Primary care practices from 15 U.S. States\ *Goal*: Increased prescription for disulfiram, naltrexone (oral or injectable), Acamprosate, or topiramate for those with an AUD\ *Key components*: EHR template, performance reports, provider education, and development of an implementation plan\ *Effect on Medication Receipt*: Due to small proportions of subjects receiving medications, pre-post (phase 1 versus phase 2) comparison of medication receipt was only estimable in the early intervention clinics. The adjusted OR for phase 1 versus phase 2 in the early intervention clinics was 2.24 (95% CI 1.03 -4.88) *p* \< 0.05\ *Effect on Alcohol Use Outcomes*: Not measured*DELAYED INTERVENTION CLINICS*:\ Phase 1: 0%\ Phase 2: 2.4% Patterns of implementation strategies did not clearly distinguish studies that successfully increased use of pharmacotherapy versus those that did not. Discussion {#Sec4} ========== Nine studies have evaluated the effects of care delivery or implementation interventions designed to increase active consideration and use of pharmacologic treatment options for patients with AUD. The interventions varied widely in context, intensity, target populations, and the underlying strategies, though many strategies were shared across studies, regardless of design (care delivery or implementation intervention). As hypothesized, care delivery interventions, targeted on patients willing to be randomized, were associated with much larger and more consistent improvements in rates of medication receipt compared to implementation interventions targeted at the overall population of patients with AUD. Among the care delivery interventions evaluated, three out of four increased use of medications. However, of these three, only Oslin's Alcohol Care Management intervention improved initiation of medications for AUD with more than one third of enrolled patients (69%) and improved in patient-level alcohol use. This trial may have been distinct from the others in its recruitment approaches---patients were recruited with the knowledge that the intervention aimed to provide pharmacologic treatment \[[@CR31]\]. Among the implementation interventions evaluated, only the VA Academic Detailing Program \[[@CR40]\] showed significant promise in increasing rates of medication receipt. It may be noteworthy that, compared to the other implementation interventions, the VA Academic Detailing Program was very labor intensive and targeted to diverse clinical settings with a high density of patients with AUD, not just primary care. The study of group medication management visits, intended as a means to increase prescribing capacity and educate patients who were considering medication treatment, \[[@CR44]\] showed signals of effectiveness in one VA facility with a highly motivated champion. Interestingly, group settings have previously been identified as a barrier to receiving treatment for AUD, but appeared to facilitate increased treatment receipt among persons already seeking treatment. This intervention should be more rigorously evaluated in contexts where the primary barrier is low capacity to provide medication management. A major goal of this review was to identify the underlying implementation strategies that were positively associated with larger effects. We categorized strategies based on published reports, but then solicited feedback from the intervention designers. There was substantial heterogeneity of strategies and some heterogeneity of effects, but no clear mapping of strategies to effectiveness was apparent. This process nonetheless proved informative by highlighting potential limitations of using of Powell et al.'s taxonomy to classify implementation strategies \[[@CR30]\]. Specifically, strategies listed in the taxonomy appeared not be hermeneutically distinct, causing frequent difficulty classifying strategies as one or another. Relatedly, strategy definitions are somewhat inexplicit and hard to confidently map onto what was done in the interventions, resulting in different decisions being made by our two independent coders and between our coders and the lead or senior authors of publications. This discordance was greater when our team was not involved with the study and therefore had to rely on the published report to garner information. In all but one case, intervention developers added strategies to those identified by our 2-expert Delphi process. In some cases, the additional strategies were not fully described in the published reports. These findings suggest that an improved compilation of implementation strategies may be needed to enable accurate and reliable identification of distinct strategies. Efforts to refine such a compilation should consider designating umbrella strategies and sub-categories within them or providing a list of strategies that are similar but variable with regard to naming or minor procedural variants. Findings from our study also make clear the importance of comprehensive reporting of strategies used. While providing full descriptions of multi-faceted implementation strategies can be difficult in a single outcomes paper, authors should be encouraged to publish more detailed study protocols (as several did in the present study \[[@CR34], [@CR35], [@CR38], [@CR39]\]), and reviewers may, nonetheless, need to query intervention developers as a final validity check. Perhaps more importantly, no method has been developed to characterize the intensity of strategies or cross-classify strategies with targets. Oslin's Alcohol Care Management used many of the same strategies as other care delivery models but was targeted on patients willing to participate in an intervention focused on pharmacologic treatment. VA's Academic Detailing Program did not differ from other implementation interventions in terms of component strategies so much as intensity and diversity of targets. Developing methods to more fully characterize interventions beyond component strategies may lead to insights that have greater utility for creating generalizable knowledge. In addition, because effectiveness of implementation interventions and strategies often depends on context, methods to cross-classify strategies with context and/or setting should be developed. Beyond the aforementioned limitations of the existing implementation science tools used in this study, other limitations are worth noting. Although we searched multiple data sources and used reference lists from identified studies and networking to ensure comprehensive capture of existing studies, it is possible we missed intervention studies that aimed at increasing pharmacologic treatment of AUD. Second, our review identified only a small number of studies that reported receipt of AUD medication as a primary or secondary outcome. The small number of studies to date may limit the ability to identify generalizable information about the effectiveness of specific strategies. Moreover, of the nine studies that met inclusion criteria for this review, four were care delivery interventions tested in trials that were powered on main (clinical) outcomes. These studies may have been underpowered to detect differences in secondary outcomes, such as medication receipt. Despite these limitations, this is the first review to our knowledge conducted with the goal of understanding strategies that may be effective for implementing medication treatment for AUD---a substantially underutilized treatment. Unfortunately, our review did not reveal which strategies are most effective for implementing AUD medications. However, we cataloged the use of specific strategies, perhaps suggesting candidates for future study. Further work is needed to understand why rates of medication treatment of AUD continue to be so low, even after patients are enrolled in care management interventions and/or receiving care in a healthcare setting that has been targeted by a multifaceted intervention. It is entirely possible that previous examinations of barriers, and interventions designed to overcome them have missed the mark. To further assess this, research will be needed to better understand patient-level perspective, preferences and barriers to receipt of medications. VA : U.S. Veterans Health Administration AUD : alcohol use disorder ERIC : Expert Recommendations for Implementing Change project PPRNet-TRIP : Practice Partner Research Network-Translating Research Into Practice AHEAD : Addiction Health Evaluation and Disease CCM : Chronic Care Model EHR : electronic health record SUMMIT : Substance Use Motivation and Medication Integrated Treatment CHOICE : Choosing Healthier Drinking Options in Primary Care ADaPT--PC : Alcohol Use Disorder Pharmacotherapy and Treatment in Primary Care Settings OUD : opioid use disorder PCMHI : primary care mental health integration AHSH and ECW collaborated on the conception of the manuscript. All authors reviewed the literature, coded implementation strategies, and participated in drafting the manuscript. All authors read and approved the final manuscript. Acknowledgements {#FPar1} ================ The authors would like to acknowledge the lead and/or senior investigators of publications included in this review for coding additional implementation strategies that may not have been apparent in the published article. Competing interests {#FPar2} =================== The authors declare that they have no competing interests. Availability of data and materials {#FPar3} ================================== Data sharing is not applicable to this article as no datasets were generated or analysed during the current study. Consent for publication {#FPar4} ======================= Not applicable. Ethics approval {#FPar5} =============== Not applicable. Funding {#FPar6} ======= This study was supported in part by a VA HSR&D Research Career Scientist award (RCS 14-132) to Dr. Harris and a VA HSR&D Career Development award (CDA 12-276) to Dr. Williams. The views expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the position nor policy of the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) or the United States government. Publisher's Note {#FPar7} ================ Springer Nature remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

Coconino National Forest will temporarily close six large areas to public access beginning Wednesday, May 23rd at 8 a.m. due to fire danger and for public safety. IN-DEPTH: Arizona's wildfires Areas outside of the closures will remain in Stage 2 Fire Restrictions. RELATED: What happens if you start a wildfire in Arizona? Of these areas, four are located in the Flagstaff Ranger District, one in the Mogollon Rim Ranger District, and one in the Red Rock Ranger District. The areas are: Flagstaff Ranger District San Francisco Peaks/Mt. Elden area Kelly Canyon area Fay Canyon/Fisher Point area Mormon Mountain area Mogollon Rim Ranger District Mogollon Rim area south of state Route 87 Red Rock Ranger District Fossil Creek area Other park areas in Arizona are also restricted. For details and maps of these specific closure areas and the boundaries, please click here. Several other fires are burning around the state. Months ago, state officials warned of a busy wildfire season -- one that has already proved to be dangerous and destructive. The Tinder Fire that scorched more than 16,000 acres near Happy Jack, Ariz., destroyed nearly 90 structures. An illegal campfire was the cause of the fire that started in late April. A firefighter's home was also destroyed in the Bluff Fire that sparked near Walker, Ariz.

Teaching statistics in a spectacular and humorous way. It seems impossible, however, Swedish professor Hans Rosling (67) proofs it isn’t. His mission: to correct our outdated worldview. Rosling passed away February 2017, a little over year since OneWorld’s interview. Bio Hans Rosling Hans Rosling was born in 1948 in the Swedish city of Uppsala. He studied statistics and medicine in Sweden and India. Later he worked as a doctor in Mozambique, where he discovered a rare paralysis disease. He researched the disease for twenty years in remote areas of Africa, and received his doctorate on the topic in 1986. Rosling has promoted scientific cooperation with universities in Asia, Africa, the Middle East and Latin-America. He initiated new courses on global health and co-authored a textbook on this topic which emphasized the importance of a fact-based worldview. Rosling made several documentaries on global statistics for the BBC, one of them being Don’t Panic –The Truth About Population. Together with his son and daughter-in-law he started the Gapminder Foundation in 2005. Among other things the foundation develops software to create interactive infographics with, which has been awarded multiple prizes. In 2012, Time Magazine named Rosling among the 100 most influential people in the world. “Let’s start the world!”, he calls out, and on the screen a bunch of colored dots, representing the countries of the world, are set in motion. With a self-made pointer -a paper arrow on a stick- the professor points out to us what progress the world has made. In almost all countries the average income rises and the number of children per woman declines. “Isn’t that incredible?!”, he exclaims. Rosling showed his skills in The Hague last January, at an event with Bill Gates, co-organized by OneWorld. In the preparations for this event his perfectionism was almost too much for colleague Kim, who was in charge of the organization. The screen had to be exactly one-and-a-half meters from the stage and he had to visit the location one day ahead of the event to test the technical appliances. Still, his minute preparation paid off. The whole room laughs at his well-timed jokes and is taken with amazement by his revelations. After the Gates-event Rosling has his lunch with the richest man on earth and, following this, he makes time for OneWorld to talk about the poorest people on this planet. Your message today was: we don’t realize it, but the world is improving. “I played a quiz about the world with the audience, with questions like: how old do people get on average? How many girls get to attend school and how many people have access to electricity? The reality is that people get to be 70 on average, that 80 percent of girls goes to school and that almost everyone has access to electricity. But almost no one knew this! And this while the audience was filled with heads of development organizations. Our worldview is shaped as if it is still 1965. Then, we had a group of rich countries -the West- and a large group of poor countries – the developing countries. In the rich countries people got old and women had two children on average. In the rest of the world people had short lives and five to six children. There was almost nothing in between these two extremes. That’s perfect for our brain! But that world doesn’t exist anymore.” The media don’t tell us what the world is really like. What does the world look like then? “There are countries on every level. And the averages of all countries are closer to the best than to the worst. Take Indonesia for example. That’s not a developing country any longer. It is a higher middle-income-country [MIC red.]. Women have 2,4 children on average and the child mortality rate under five years is 3,3 percent. This means Indonesia is on the same level as the Netherlands was on in 1972. Every year things improve in Indonesia, that’s amazing progress!” Why are the number of children per mother and infant mortality such important indicators to decide how well a country is doing? “Because these two numbers summarize so much else. Child mortality is the summary of what kind of water you have in your home, on how many square meters you live, how much education you have had and whether you have access to healthcare. Moreover: there is nothing you wouldn’t sacrifice to ensure that your child survives. Can you tell me anything more important than that?” No nothing. I have a toddler at home, so I couldn’t agree more. “Exactly, so this is incredibly important. And then the birth rate. You have a child now, but long before that you had sex, right?” Yes… “You have disconnected sexuality from reproduction! Isn’t that great?! The entire religious-cultural system we used to have was aimed at prohibiting this. You weren’t allowed to have sex before marriage, and then you got -as God intended- a child. Now you can start your sexual life whenever you want. This is one of the most important achievements in life. One day you reach the point where you don’t say to your partner: “Honey, let’s have sex tonight”, but: “Honey, let’s make a baby tonight”. I know I antagonize some people by saying this in such a way, because you cannot have a child on command, but this detachment signifies a huge turning point. This shift hasn’t only occurred in Christian countries. In Islamic nations the same is happening. The world is faring a lot better than we all think. Why do we have an incorrect worldview? “Because we aren’t told differently. The media don’t tell us what the world is really like. Have you ever seen the newspaper headline: ‘The number of children in the world is not rising any longer’? No one writes about gradual changes. And then, suddenly the world has changed so much, that we cannot believe it. People still read Tintin. A beautiful story, but outdated by decades. That the world isn’t about ‘us’ and ‘them’ any longer is something that is only very slowly becoming accepted. You can compare it with the emancipation of women. Fact is that women are just as capable as men are to become prime-minister. But it took centuries before this fact was accepted.” The world is faring a lot better than we all think. But this doesn’t include everyone. There are still almost a billion people who live in poverty. Will their living conditions also improve soon? “No. In the past 15 years extreme poverty has diminished by 50 percent [extreme poverty means living on less than 1,25 dollar a day red.]. But the low-hanging fruit has now been picked. Mister Gates told me that he just visited the Democratic Republic of Congo. His foundation is trying to improve the living conditions for the people there, but they are making little progress. Development aid in countries where there is much less corruption is much easier. This is why aid is often focused on poor people in low to high middle-income-countries, but not the very poorest of countries. If you want to achieve results with the money you spend on aid, give it to Denmark!” This seems unnecessary. But, will aid save the world? “The United Nations have set a number of global goals, the first of these goals is to eliminate extreme poverty in the world. Besides it being a moral duty, eliminating extreme poverty is a very important investment, because it is a fertile breeding ground for extremism and rapid population growth. Still, the lion’s share of the development aid funds we spend globally isn’t focused on eliminating extreme poverty. We have to quit giving aid money to high middle-income-countries, such as China, Brazil, Indonesia and South-Africa. They can take care of their own poor. We have to spend more money on extreme poor people in low middle-income-countries, such as in the Democratic Republic of Congo, Burundi, Malawi and Mozambique.” “During the gathering today, young social entrepreneurs presented their ideas to mister Gates. Beautiful ideas, but those projects have no effect on extreme poverty. One of the plans was to provide prostheses to people in Colombia, who had a leg amputated, in a swifter and cheaper manner. But in Colombia there are only so many people with amputated limbs, because there are hospitals! In Congo most people die if they step on a landmine. The next step is crutches. This means they can walk. The step after this is a prosthesis and finally -in rich countries- a modified car. The prostheses in Colombia are nice, but we shouldn’t forget that most people with handicapped legs need a crutch!” So, we are helping the wrong poor people? “Yes. From our point of view in the rich end of the world we don’t see the difference between poverty and extreme poverty. We see a poor man with a crutch. We see his lack of a prosthesis, not the great crutches he already has. Extreme poverty means being uncertain every day whether or not you will be able to eat. We have to learn to distinguish and recognize that poverty knows many different levels.” Poverty even occurs in rich countries. “That’s true, although then we speak of relative poverty. This is very different from extreme poverty. But the poorest people in rich countries is the other group of people who are not faring better than before. In high-income-countries the rich get richer and the inequality rises. The lowest class of people in high-income-countries cannot make similarly splendid holiday trips as their parents could. While extreme poverty is the breeding ground for Boko Haram, the frustration of the low-paid workers is the breeding ground for the Donald Trumps of this world. But will the Donald Trumps address extreme poverty? Very unlikely. The combination of these two issues is the great challenge of our time.

Q: Sum of probability differential is zero I keep seeing: $$ \sum_i [ln(p_i) + 1]dp_i = \sum_i ln(p_i)dp_i $$ where $p_i$ is the probability of the $i^{th}$ state and where $ \sum_i p_i = 1 $ cropping up in my statistical mechanics course. I'm a bit unsure of how one comes to this? EDIT: A similar result which confuses me is: $$ \sum_i [ln(Z)] dp_i = 0 $$ where $Z$ is the partition function. A: Presumably because we always have $ \sum_i p_i = 1$: if we differentiate this condition, $$ \sum_i dp_i = 0 $$ so that the total probability remains $1$. It's like $\dot{x} \cdot x = 0 $ when $x$ is forced to lie on a sphere $x \cdot x = R^2$.

Subtraction method for the high-performance liquid chromatographic measurement of plasma adenosine. The measurement of plasma adenosine with traditional high-performance liquid chromatographic techniques is difficult because of its nanomolar concentration, its short half-life in blood, and because of the difficulty in isolating adenosine from interfering peaks in the chromatogram. To prevent loss of adenosine in the blood sample, a "stop solution" is used to prevent enzymatic degradation and cellular uptake. Peak-shifting techniques on fractionated samples to measure adenosine derivatives have been used in the past to avoid interfering peaks in the chromatogram. A new method has been developed by which nanomolar levels of plasma adenosine can be accurately measured despite co-eluting peaks in the chromatogram. In this method, plasma samples are collected with a stop solution, processed, and divided. Adenosine deaminase is added to part of the sample to form a blank. A computer program subtracts the blank chromatogram from the paired unknown, and the result is compared to adenosine standards prepared from the blank and subtracted in a similar fashion. With this subtraction method, the overall recovery of physiological concentrations of adenosine was 89% from dog blood, and the average coefficient of variation was 12%. In summary, the subtraction method of plasma adenosine measurement offers good recovery, reproducibility, and the ability to quantify low levels of adenosine despite interfering peaks in the chromatogram.

Dear Sir's. Pls. find below corrected daily pos. report with correct distances. Total distance from Lake Charles to Qalhat = 9214 n.miles. Sorry for the mistake, and will check better in the futher. POSREP HOEGH GALLEON 19TH. APRIL 1200LT (1600UTC) A) Position at noon : N 26 41 W 089 29 B) Dist. from last noon : 271,5 n. miles (14 HRS.)(1 HRS. ADV) C) Dist. to go to next port: 8942.5 n.miles (Qalhat) D) Eta next port : May 12th. 0001 local time E) 1:Average sea/weather : Wind: SE 4 2, Sea: SE 3 2:Average speed : 19,39 knots / average RPM 91,90 3:B.O.G. consumed : nol 4:F.O. consumed : 75 mt. 5:G.O. consumed : nil 6:Average vapor press. Tk. 1: bar. Average liq. temp: Tk. 2: : Tk. 3: : Tk. 4: : Tk. 5: : POSREP HOEGH GALLEON 20TH. APRIL 1200LT (1600UTC) A) Position at noon : N 24 00 W 081 57 B) Dist. from last noon : 440 n. miles (24 HRS.) C) Dist. to go to next port: 8502.5 n.miles (Qalhat) D) Eta next port : May 12th. 0001 local time E) 1:Average sea/weather : Wind: E 6, Sea: E 5 2:Average speed : 18,33 knots / average RPM 91,55 3:B.O.G. consumed : nil 4:F.O. consumed : 128 mt. 5:G.O. consumed : nil 6:Average vapor press. Tk. 1: bar. Average liq. temp: Tk. 2: : Tk. 3: : Tk. 4: : Tk. 5: : POSREP HOEGH GALLEON 21ST. APRIL 1200LT (1600UTC) A) Position at noon : N 24 00 W 081 57 B) Dist. from last noon : 440 n. miles (24 HRS.) C) Dist. to go to next port: 8037.5 n.miles (Qalhat) D) Eta next port : May 12th. 0001 local time E) 1:Average sea/weather : Wind: E 6, Sea: E 5 2:Average speed : 18,33 knots / average RPM 91,55 3:B.O.G. consumed : nil 4:F.O. consumed : 128 mt. 5:G.O. consumed : nil 6:Average vapor press. Tk. 1: bar. Average liq. temp: Tk. 2: : Tk. 3: : Tk. 4: : Tk. 5: : POSREP HOEGH GALLEON 22ND. APRIL 1200LT (1500UTC) A) Position at noon : N 29 05 W 068 07 B) Dist. from last noon : 436 n. miles (24 HRS.) C) Dist. to go to next port: 7601.5 n.miles (Qalhat) D) Eta next port : May 12th. 0001 local time E) 1:Average sea/weather : Wind: ENE 6 , Sea: ENE 5 2:Average speed : 18,17 knots / average RPM 93,76 3:B.O.G. consumed : nil 4:F.O. consumed : 161 mt. 5:G.O. consumed : nil 6:Average vapor press. Tk. 1: bar. Average liq. temp: Tk. 2: : Tk. 3: : Tk. 4: : Tk. 5: : POSREP HOEGH GALLEON 23RD. APRIL 1200LT (1400UTC) A) Position at noon : N 29 42 W 062 33 B) Dist. from last noon : 294 n. miles (17H 45M.) C) Dist. to go to next port: 7307.5 n.miles (Qalhat) D) Eta next port : May 12th. 0001 local time E) 1:Average sea/weather : Wind: ENE 6 , Sea: ENE 5 2:Average speed : 17.04 knots / average RPM 91,56 3:B.O.G. consumed : nil 4:F.O. consumed : 101 mt. 5:G.O. consumed : 1.0 mt 6:Average vapor press. Tk. 1: bar. Average liq. temp: Tk. 2: : Tk. 3: : Tk. 4: : Tk. 5: : Brgds Oe. Hansen Master E-mail: master.gall@hoegh.no Teleph: Inmarsat tel.no.+874 330853910 Fax : Inmarsat fax no.+874 330853913 Telex : Inmarsat B telex no.+584 330853915 Telex : Inmarsat C telex no.+584 430853910 (24hrs.watch)

T.C. Memo. 2019-54 UNITED STATES TAX COURT MARY BUI, Petitioner v. COMMISSIONER OF INTERNAL REVENUE, Respondent Docket No. 20453-16. Filed May 21, 2019. Ronda N. Edgar, for petitioner. Adam B. Landy, Nancy M. Gilmore, and Thomas R. Mackinson, for respondent. MEMORANDUM FINDINGS OF FACT AND OPINION GOEKE, Judge: Respondent issued a notice of deficiency to petitioner determining an income tax deficiency for 2011 of $173,058 and an addition to tax  -2- [*2] under section 6651(a)(1) of $66,668.1 After concessions, the sole issue remaining for consideration is whether petitioner must include in gross income cancellation of indebtedness of $355,488. We hold that she may properly exclude $48,151 but must include the remaining $307,337. FINDINGS OF FACT This case was tried on September 10, 2018, in San Francisco, California. The parties have submitted a stipulation of facts and accompanying exhibits, which are incorporated herein by this reference. When the petition was timely filed, petitioner resided in California.2 Petitioner is also known as Nga Thuy Lan Bui. For 2011 petitioner excluded $355,488 of discharged indebtedness from her gross income and indicated the excluded indebtedness was qualified principal residence 1 Unless otherwise indicated, all section references are to the Internal Revenue Code (Code) as amended and in effect at all relevant times, and all Rule references are to the Tax Court Rules of Practice and Procedure. 2 The petition was received with an illegible postmark on September 19, 2016, five days after the time to file a petition with this Court had expired. Sec. 301.7502-1(c)(1)(iii)(A), Proced. & Admin. Regs., places on the taxpayer the burden to prove the date an illegible postmark was made. On March 12, 2019, we issued an order directing petitioner to sustain her burden of establishing that the postmark was timely made. On March 24, 2019, petitioner responded to our order and supplemented the record with proof of mailing on September 12, 2016. Accordingly, we are satisfied of our jurisdiction to hear this case.  -3- [*3] indebtedness. On June 16, 2016, respondent issued a notice of deficiency to petitioner for 2011 and proposed an adjustment disallowing her entire exclusion of discharged indebtedness income. Respondent now concedes that petitioner was insolvent by $42,852 in 2011. I. Residences A. Red River Property On June 1, 1981, petitioner, her former spouse, and three other persons purchased a single-family residence on Red River Way in San Jose, California (Red River property), for $156,500. Petitioner and her former spouse together owned a 25% interest in the Red River property. By grant deed dated October 15, 1985, and recorded January 28, 1986, petitioner and her former spouse purchased the remaining 75% interest in the Red River property for $97,500. By quitclaim deed dated November 14, 2002, and recorded December 12, 2002, petitioner acquired sole ownership in the Red River property. Petitioner legally separated from her former spouse in 2005 or 2006. Petitioner lived at the Red River property from its acquisition in 1981 through March 14, 2011, and treated it as her primary residence. On March 14, 2011, petitioner relinquished ownership of the Red River property by short sale for  -4- [*4] $485,000. At that time, the balance of the mortgage on the Red River property was $416,000. B. Cedar Grove Property On or around June 1, 1988, petitioner and her former spouse purchased a single-family rental home on Cedar Grove Circle in San Jose, California (Cedar Grove property). By quitclaim deed dated November 14, 2002, and recorded December 12, 2002, petitioner acquired sole ownership in the Cedar Grove property. After petitioner sold the Red River property in March 2011, she moved into the Cedar Grove property and established it as her new primary residence. II. Wells Fargo Lines of Credit Before 2011 petitioner obtained three home equity lines of credit with Wells Fargo Bank, N.A. (Wells Fargo). Petitioner executed a deed of trust dated February 14, 2007, and recorded March 12, 2007, securing a $250,000 line of credit for an account ending in 9471 between herself and Wells Fargo with the Red River property listed as collateral (9471 loan). Petitioner executed a deed of trust dated March 1, 2007, and recorded March 26, 2007, securing a $40,000 line of credit for an account ending in 7231 between herself and Wells Fargo with the Cedar Grove property as collateral (7231 loan). Petitioner also executed a deed of trust dated March 20, 2007, and recorded April 30, 2007, securing a $101,942 line  -5- [*5] of credit for an account ending in 5371 between herself and Wells Fargo with the Cedar Grove property as collateral (5371 loan). In 2011 Wells Fargo issued three Forms 1099-C, Cancellation of Debt, to petitioner indicating that the remaining debt associated with the 9471 loan, the 7231 loan, and the 5371 loan had been canceled. On the Forms 1099-C Wells Fargo described the debts as “HEQ Secured Installment Loan” and checked the box indicating petitioner was personally liable for repayment of the debts. Petitioner’s canceled Wells Fargo debt for 2011 was as follows: Date of Form 1099-C Amount of canceled debt Account No. Mar. 18, 2011 $243,299 9471 Oct. 28, 2011 11,999 7231 Oct. 28, 2011 100,190 5371 Petitioner executed at least four additional deeds of trust with Wells Fargo before 2011. In addition, petitioner, with and without her former spouse, executed at least seven deeds of trust between 1986 and 2004 from banking institutions other than Wells Fargo. The indebtedness indicated by these additional deeds of trust was not canceled in 2011.  -6- [*6] III. Home Improvements Petitioner testified to carrying out a number of home improvement projects before 2011 for the Red River property, but she provided no documentation relating to when or how expenses of these projects were paid. She did not testify to any home improvement project expenses related to the Cedar Grove property. Petitioner paid approximately $10,000 for custom drapes to be installed at the Red River property in 2007. In addition, she spent approximately $12,000 for driveway repair and expansion work at the Red River property in 2008. The remaining home improvement expenditures petitioner testified to were made before 2007, the year she obtained the Wells Fargo lines of credit. The associated debts were discharged in 2011. OPINION Generally, the Commissioner’s determinations in a notice of deficiency are presumed correct, and the taxpayer bears the burden of proving the determinations are erroneous. Rule 142(a); Welch v. Helvering, 290 U.S. 111, 115 (1933). However, for the presumption of correctness to attach in an unreported income case such as this, the Commissioner must base his deficiency determination on some substantive evidence that the taxpayer received unreported income. Hardy v. Commissioner, 181 F.3d 1002, 1004 (9th Cir. 1999), aff’g T.C. Memo. 1997-97.  -7- [*7] There is no dispute in this case that petitioner had debt that was forgiven. Section 7491(a) shifts the burden of proof to the Commissioner where the taxpayer has presented credible evidence with respect to any factual issue relevant to ascertaining the correct tax liability of the taxpayer. Section 7491(a) also requires that the taxpayer have substantiated all appropriate items, maintained records as required under the Code, and cooperated with all reasonable requests by the Commissioner for witnesses, information, documents, meetings, and interviews. Sec. 7491(a)(2)(A) and (B). Petitioner has not attempted to argue, and the record does not demonstrate, her compliance with the requirements of section 7491(a); accordingly, the burden remains with petitioner to show respondent’s determinations were incorrect. This is a dispute over whether petitioner had reportable cancellation of indebtedness income that she failed to report on her 2011 tax return. The Code defines income liberally as “all income from whatever source derived”. Sec. 61(a). Specifically, income includes any income from the discharge of indebtedness. Sec. 61(a)(12); sec. 1.61-12(a), Income Tax Regs. The underlying rationale for the inclusion of canceled debt as income is that the release from a debt obligation the taxpayer would otherwise have to pay frees up assets  -8- [*8] previously offset by the obligation and acts as an accession to wealth--i.e., income. United States v. Kirby Lumber Co., 284 U.S. 1, 2 (1931). Generally, when canceled debt creates income, the amount includible in income is equal to the face value of the discharged obligation minus any amount paid in satisfaction of the debt. Rios v. Commissioner, T.C. Memo. 2012-128, 2012 WL 1537910, at *4, aff’d, 586 F. App’x 268 (9th Cir. 2014); see Merkel v. Commissioner, 192 F.3d 844, 849 (9th Cir. 1999), aff’g 109 T.C. 463 (1997). The income is recognized for the year in which the debt is canceled. Montgomery v. Commissioner, 65 T.C. 511, 520 (1975). Petitioner argues that although the cancellation of debt generally creates reportable income her canceled debt is excludable. Some “accessions to wealth that would ordinarily constitute income may be excluded by statute or other operation of law.” Commissioner v. Dunkin, 500 F.3d 1065, 1069 (9th Cir. 2007), rev’g 124 T.C. 180 (2005). Even so, “given the clear Congressional intent to ‘exert * * * the full measure of its taxing power,’ * * * exclusions from gross income are construed narrowly in favor of taxation.” Id. (quoting Commissioner v. Glenshaw Glass Co., 348 U.S. 426, 429 (1955)) (citing Merkel v. Commissioner 192 F.3d at 848). Petitioner argues two exclusions apply to her cancellation of indebtedness income: section 108(a)(1)(E), which offers an exclusion when the  -9- [*9] canceled debt is “qualified principal residence indebtedness”; and section 108(a)(1)(B), which provides an exclusion where the taxpayer is insolvent. We will examine both exclusions as applied to petitioner. I. Qualified Principal Residence Indebtedness Section 108(a)(1)(E) provides that gross income does not include amounts which would be includible as cancellation of indebtedness income if “the indebtedness discharged is qualified principal residence indebtedness”. Qualified principal residence indebtedness is defined as (1) acquisition indebtedness (2) with respect to the taxpayer’s principal residence. Sec. 108(h)(2), (5). Acquisition indebtedness is “incurred in acquiring, constructing, or substantially improving any qualified residence of the taxpayer” and must be secured by that residence. Sec. 163(h)(3)(B)(i). If only a portion of a discharged loan obligation meets the definition of qualified principal residence indebtedness, only the amount discharged which exceeds the nonqualified principal residence indebtedness is excludable. Sec. 108(h)(4). Petitioner’s primary residence was the Red River property until she sold it in March 2011 and established the Cedar Grove property as her new primary residence. Three of her Wells Fargo lines of credit--the 9471 loan, the 7231 loan, and the 5371 loan--were canceled in 2011. Petitioner does not argue that any of  - 10 - [*10] these loans, which were obtained in 2007, were used to acquire or construct either the Red River property or the Cedar Grove property, both of which were solely acquired by petitioner in 2002. Petitioner instead argues that funds from these loans were used to substantially improve her primary residence. Petitioner provided no evidence regarding substantial improvements made to the Cedar Grove property. For the qualified principal residence indebtedness exclusion to apply, the debt must be used to acquire, construct, or substantially improve the taxpayer’s primary residence, and that residence must secure the loan. See secs. 108(h)(2), 163(h)(3)(B)(i). Both the 7231 loan and the 5371 loan were secured by the Cedar Grove property. Therefore, because these loans were not used to acquire, construct, or substantially improve the Cedar Grove property, they are not excludable from gross income as qualified principal residence indebtedness. Petitioner offered testimony on a number of improvements made to the Red River property before she obtained the 9471 loan. These improvements could not have been financed by a loan that had not materialized at the time they were made. Thus, they will be disregarded for purposes of determining whether any portion of the 9471 loan was qualified personal residence indebtedness. Petitioner spent $12,000 on driveway expansion and repair work at the Red River property in  - 11 - [*11] 2008. We are satisfied from her testimony that this amount was paid with the 9471 loan. Accordingly, the portion of the 9471 loan that was used to finance the driveway project is qualified principal residence indebtedness. Petitioner also testified that she had custom drapes installed at the Red River property in 2007 for $10,000. We do not find that this expense constitutes a substantial improvement to the Red River property, and therefore it is not qualified principal residence indebtedness. We have determined that $12,000 of the 9471 loan was qualified principal residence indebtedness; however, the amount that petitioner may properly exclude is limited by section 108(h)(4). Section 108(h)(4) provides that where only a portion of a discharged loan is qualified principal residence indebtedness, the amount that may be excluded is only “so much of the amount discharged as exceeds the amount of the loan (as determined immediately before such discharge) which is not qualified principal residence indebtedness.” To apply this limitation we must determine how much of the loan was not qualified principal residence indebtedness. The original line of credit was for $250,000. We have determined that $12,000 was qualified principal residence indebtedness; thus $238,000 was not qualified principal residence indebtedness. Therefore, petitioner may exclude only $5,299 of the canceled 9471 loan from her income under the qualified  - 12 - [*12] principal residence indebtedness exclusion ($243,299 canceled debt minus the $238,000 of the debt that was not qualified principal residence indebtedness). II. Insolvency Exclusion Petitioner argues that even if her cancellation of indebtedness income is not excludable as qualified principal residence indebtedness, it should be excludable because she was insolvent in 2011. Section 108(a)(1)(B) provides an exclusion from gross income of cancellation of indebtedness amounts where the taxpayer is insolvent at the time the discharge occurs. A taxpayer is insolvent by the amount her liabilities exceed the fair market value of her assets, determined immediately before the discharge of indebtedness. Sec. 108(d)(3). Respondent concedes that petitioner was insolvent by $42,852 and, therefore, admits that amount of cancellation of indebtedness income is excludable. In the case of a taxpayer who qualifies for the insolvency exclusion, the excluded amount cannot exceed the amount by which the taxpayer is insolvent. Sec. 108(a)(3). Petitioner suggests that respondent did not accurately account for her assets and liabilities when calculating her insolvency. However, petitioner stipulated respondent’s insolvency calculations and has offered no coherent argument as to why the calculations are in error. Accordingly, petitioner is entitled to an insolvency exclusion for her cancellation of indebtedness income of  - 13 - [*13] $42,852. Petitioner may exclude a total of $48,151--representing $42,852 under the insolvency exclusion and $5,299 under the qualified principal residence indebtedness exclusion--of her cancellation of indebtedness income from her gross income.3 In reaching our holding, we have considered all arguments made, and, to the extent not mentioned above, we conclude they are moot, irrelevant, or without merit. Decision will be entered under Rule 155. 3 Sec. 108(a)(2)(C) provides that the insolvency exclusion does not apply to any discharge to which the qualified principal residence indebtedness exclusion applies unless the taxpayer elects the insolvency exclusion to apply in lieu of the qualified principal residence indebtedness exclusion. Petitioner made no such election; however, because three debts were discharged we may apply the insolvency exclusion to the loans not eligible for the qualified principal residence exclusion. 

There are over 223,000 railroad grade crossings in the United States alone. Most of these crossings, especially those in rural areas, have only warning signs to alert motorists to the danger posed by an approaching train. Typical of railroad grade crossing warning signs is the familiar X-shaped "RAILROAD CROSSING" sign or "crossbuck." Warning signs, however, only alert motorists to the presence of a railroad crossing and do not alert them to the presence of an oncoming train. Often, a motorist may fail to see an approaching train because he was distracted or because his view of the train was obstructed by environmental conditions or darkness. Consequently, collisions between trains and automobiles at railroad crossings account for thousands of accidents each year, many of which result in extensive property damage and serious injury or death to motorists. Known to the art are active railroad crossing warning systems utilizing the railroad tracks themselves to detect an approaching train and activate warning signal apparatus such as flashing lights and bells. These systems warn motorists when a train is detected at a predetermined distance from the crossing. However, present active warning systems do no take into account the speed of the train and thus make no allowance for the time it will take the train to reach the crossing. For example, a fast moving train may reach the crossing in only a few seconds after it is detected, while a slow moving train may fail to reach the crossing until several minutes have passed. Motorists may become impatient waiting for slow moving trains to reach the crossing. Consequently, some motorists may begin to ignore the warnings and attempt to cross the tracks possibly causing an accident should a fast moving train be encountered. Further, installation of current active warning systems may require the insulation and resetting of great lengths of track. Additionally, these systems may require the installation of expensive high voltage transformers, relays, and batteries for backup systems. Unfortunately, many rural crossings are not conducive to the installation of active warning systems that requires AC electrical power and extensive grade preparation. Consequently, these crossings usually remain inadequately protected. High speed rail corridors being proposed across the United States will only exacerbate this problem. These corridors will require improved crossing warning systems to properly secure the safety of both passengers and motorists.

The present invention relates to the field of information technology, including, more particularly, to systems and techniques for simplifying access to different applications. Organizations look to their information technology (IT) department to plan, coordinate, and manage the computer-related activities of the organization. An IT department is responsible for upkeep, maintenance, and security of networks. This may include analyzing the computer and information needs of their organizations from an operational and strategic perspective and determining immediate and long-range personnel and resource requirements. Monitoring the computer-related activities of the organization is an increasingly difficult task because the modern workplace is a complex blend of multiple users and multiple applications which combine into a complex and dynamically evolving environment. For example, at any given time multiple applications may be executing on multiple machines or “in the cloud.” It can be hard to follow what is going on in the cloud, for an application, for a given user. Many organizations do not have systems for tracking how resources are used by applications and users. Thus, there is a need to provide systems and techniques to manage computing resources.

Q: Move specific items to the end of a list I have an ArrayList in Java: {"deleteItem", "createitem", "exportitem", "deleteItems", "createItems"} I want to move all string which contains delete to the end of the list, so I would get the next: {"createitem", "exportitem", "createItems", "deleteItem", "deleteItems"}` I can create two sublists - one for the words which contain the 'delete' word, and one for the others, and then merge them, but I search for a more efficient way. A: Use custom Comparator: List<String> strings = Arrays.asList( "deleteItem", "createitem", "exportitem", "deleteItems", "createItems" ); Comparator<String> comparator = new Comparator<String>() { @Override public int compare(final String o1, final String o2) { if (o1.contains("delete") && !o2.contains("delete")) { return 1; }else if (!o1.contains("delete") && o2.contains("delete")) { return -1; } return 0; } }; Collections.sort(strings, comparator); System.out.println(strings); A: If you want something efficient and need to remove elements in the beginning and middle of a List I would suggest using a LinkedList instead of a array list. That would avoid rewriting the underlying array for each remove operation. Then, you simply iterate on the list, calling remove and addLast for any string that contains delete. Of course, this is only OK if there is nothing preventing you from replacing your ArrayList with a LinkedList.

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Penzcraft Hello! Welcome to the PenzCraft server! We are a very small community of people who enjoy playing minecraft and like to aspect of vanilla SMP. We are looking for mature players to help build this small community. Rules: -No griefing or x-ray mods(there are protection and residence plugins to protect your stuff) -Only PVP in the pvp area( PVP area is anywhere north from Spawn((You cant kill in the south, if you do, please return their items) You also cannot kill in your house in the south. -Add jpen somewhere in your app to show that you read the rules -Be respectful. We have /ignore if someone is being rude. This is not a ban-able offense! Were all mature enough to take the highroad. -Do not harrass people! -Please try not to build so close to spawn, the world is very big, and you dont need to be right up against it. -Must be atleast 16+ No exceptions!! -You must submit and application to build! Application: IGN Name Age Why I should add you to the server Classes: Guest(yellow): Cant do anything until approved Member(Blue): After approved, can do most things with limitation Supporter(Red): Once donated, receive perks Mods(Blue): Help admin with things Op(Green): JRPenza620 Admin(Purple): AdminJRP620 Anyone can come on the server, but you can not break blocks until added to the whitelist!

DNA aptamers as analyte-responsive cation transporters in fluorogenic vesicles: signal amplification by supramolecular polymerization. We report that single-stranded (ss) DNA aptamers can be activated by counterions such as dodecylguanidinium (DG) to act as transporters in fluorogenic vesicles. However, their activity is independent of the presence or absence of the analyte. Dimerization into ds-DNA helices increases activity in an overadditive manner. Duplex disassembly in response to analyte binding is thus detectable as inactivation. Shortened and mismatched antiaptamers destabilize the active duplex, reduce activity, and increase the sensitivity for the analyte. Supramolecular polymerization of aptamer/antiaptamer duplexes with "sticky ends" is shown to further increase activity without losses in sensitivity for the analyte. The results demonstrate that the principles of DNA nanotechnology are directly applicable to membrane based sensing systems with high precision and fidelity.

2020 Australian S5000 Championship The 2020 Australian S5000 Championship is planned to be the inaugural season of the Australian S5000 Championship, run after a series of exhibition races the previous year. The series will be sanctioned by Motorsport Australia and promoted by the Australian Racing Group as part of the 2020 Shannons Nationals Motor Racing Series. The season is currently scheduled for 6 rounds, beginning in March at the Albert Park Circuit and ending on 13 September at Sandown Raceway. Teams and drivers The following teams and drivers are under contract to compete in the 2020 championship: Race calendar The proposed 2020 calendar was released on 29 October 2019, with six confirmed rounds, plus one non-championship round. All rounds will be held in Australia. Final scheduling of race dates is yet to be determined. The date for the inaugural "Bathurst International" event was revealed on 15 January 2020. References S5000 Championship Australian S5000 Championship

KTLO-FM KTLO-FM 97.9 FM is a radio station licensed to Mountain Home, Arkansas. The station broadcasts an Adult Standards format and is owned by Mountain Lakes Broadcasting Corp. History On January 7, 1969, Mountain Home Broadcasting Corporation, the owner of KTLO (1240 AM), filed with the Federal Communications Commission to build a new FM radio station in Mountain Home. The construction permit was granted on July 1, 1970, and KTLO-FM began broadcasting at 98.3 MHz on January 11, 1971. $30,000 in new equipment was installed at the KTLO studios on Highway 5 to prepare for the launch of the stereo outlet. KTLO-FM broadcast from a hilltop tower located west of the studios and AM transmitter site. Early FM programming was in a block format, with contemporary and country music interspersed with news features. KTLO-AM-FM was sold in 1975 to four new investors for $400,000. By the mid-1980s, KTLO had settled into a middle-of-the-road music format known as "Stardust 98". The 1990s saw ownership and technical changes for KTLO-FM. The former began with a $775,000 sale of KTLO-AM-FM to Charles and Scottie Earls in late 1994. The Earls oversaw a major technical overhaul for the FM outlet: in 1996, it increased its power to 50,000 watts and relocated to 97.9 MHz from a transmitter on Crystal Mountain, with the programming remaining the same. The Earls divested their remaining shares in KTLO-AM-FM and KCTT-FM 101.7 to the Ward and Knight families in 2010 in a transaction that gave the Earls full control of KOMC-FM and KRZK in Branson, Missouri; the two families had previously been minority owners in Mountain Lakes. Among KTLO-FM's regular programs is Talk of the Town, an interview show. Talk of the Town had previously been hosted by Brenda Nelson, who retired after 34 years on air in 2009 after airing some 8,000 interviews. References External links KTLO-FM website TLO-FM Category:Adult standards radio stations in the United States Category:1971 establishments in Arkansas Category:Radio stations established in 1971

Find IT Candidates’ Profiles Just like Google, Booking or Skyscanner, AmazingHiring is an aggregator which contains information about IT candidates across the web. It provides you with access to millions of IT talents profiles aggregating data from 50+ resources. Using simple Boolean operators you create a search query and get a list of the most relevant candidates. The search form supports advanced boolean syntax and provides more editing capabilities. Here are some logical operators that can be used to compose a query: AND – to find profiles that contain all the required variables OR – to find profiles that contain at least one of the variables NOT – to exclude not required variables from the search ( ) – to group parts of queries and prioritize between clauses (as in mathematical equations) “” – to search for exact phrases. Necessary to use with all the words combinations containing space, e.g. «machine learning» Once you have entered a new variable, AmazingHiring will automatically suggest using one of the five logical operators. By the way, if you are worried about the number of synonyms for each search condition, please don’t be. Leave it to AmazingHiring to sort it out. Moreover, you can specify your search query as much as you need. Alongside with hiding profiles viewed within any period of time and profiles already selected, you have more filters available: Years of experience Years in the current company Available contacts Social profiles & CVs Seniority level Company Education City or country Apart from it, our AI Sourcing is the fastest way to target the most relevant tech talents in the market! The AI-algorithm builds a pool of the most relevant profiles for the role you are willing to fill. Based on the big data analysis, AmazingHiring AI will sort and rank candidates and how they are fit for an open position across several attributes, including job title, work experience, skills, candidate’s activity in professional communities. As a result, you get a highly targeted search output and avoid screening hundreds of candidate profiles. Start finding IT candidates with AmazingHiring >> Pre-screen IT candidates AmazingHiring consolidates information about the candidates and gives useful insights for recruiters about prospect’s technical stack and current technology specialization. Apart from the full technical stack, you can see the full social footprint of the candidate and review their activity on social media or professional networks. Contact prospects with personalized emails With AmazingHiring you get access to candidates’ publicly available contacts with the information about where exactly the contacts were found. Start the conversation by mentioning the candidate’s professional achievements in order to attract a potential employee’s attention. Use the information provided by AmazingHiring about the professional path and digital footprint to personalize your message. Here are a few examples of how it might look like: “Hi, Mark! I saw that you made it to the top 4% of SQL developers on StackOverflow! Congratulations!” “I noticed that you are among the top 0.3% of java-developers on StackOverflow and I was actually looking for a j2ee expert for the company X global project.” You can also check the Facebook profile or personal blog of the candidates and mention their personal interests, mutual university or a past company in the email. Discover more about how to personalize emails to candidates. Start sourcing passive candidates with AmazingHiring >> Manage candidates pipeline Last but not least, AmazingHiring is integrated with MixMax, Greenhouse and SmartRecruiters. It gives you an opportunity to source tech talents in AmazingHiring, reach out to them and successfully track the process in your ATS.

Stop trying to make Bing happen It's not going to happen 333 shares

Prognostic differences of the Mini Nutritional Assessment short form and long form in relation to 1-year functional decline and mortality in community-dwelling older adults receiving home care. To compare the prognostic value of the revised Mini Nutritional Assessment short form (MNA-SF) classification with that of the long form (MNA-LF) in relation to mortality and functional change in community-dwelling older adults receiving home care in Germany. Multicenter, 1-year prospective observational study. Community. Older adults (≥ 65) receiving home care (n = 309). Nutritional status (well nourished, at risk of malnutrition, malnourished) was classified using the MNA-SF and MNA-LF at baseline. Functional status was determined according to the Barthel Index of activities of daily living (ADLs) at baseline and after 1 year. Hazard ratios (HRs) and 95% confidence intervals (CIs) of mortality were calculated for MNA-SF and MNA-LF categories using stepwise Cox regression analyses. Repeated-measurements analysis of covariance was used to examine changes in ADL scores over time for MNA-SF and MNA-LF categories. MNA-SF classified 15% of the sample as malnourished and 41% as being at risk of malnutrition, whereas the MNA-LF classified 14% and 58%, respectively. During the follow-up year, 15% of participants died. The estimated hazard ratios (HR) for 1-year mortality were lower for MNA-SF than for MNA-LF categories (at risk of malnutrition: HR = 2.21, 95% confidence interval (CI) = 1.02-4.75 vs HR = 5.05, 95% CI = 1.53-16.58; malnourished: HR = 3.27, 95% CI = 1.34-8.02 vs HR = 8.75, 95% CI = 2.45-31.18). For MNA-SF categories, no differences in functional change were found. According to the MNA-LF, ADL decline tended to be greater in those at risk of malnutrition (7.1 ± 10.1 points) than in those who were well nourished (3.7 ± 10.1 points) and malnourished (4.9 ± 10.1 points). In this sample of older adults receiving home care, the MNA-LF was superior to the MNA-SF in predicting mortality and differentiating functional decline during 1 year of follow-up.

Q: Redefine obeyspaces to newline I want to typeset code snippets from different programming languages. I couldn't get listings to do what I want (one complete height of an empty line takes up too much space for my liking) and neither did I manage to define everything I want myself. I'd like to define a new environment where return calls \newline, and where an empty line calls \par (this one is already present in normal text mode) so that I can differentiate between them. In addition, every space inserted should be printed, but that is taken care of by \obeyspaces. MWE: \documentclass{article} \newenvironment{code}{ \ttfamily \parindent=0pt\parskip=5pt \obeyspaces\obeylines }{} \begin{document} \begin{code} text 1space 2spaces new line empty line before this line \end{code} \end{document} I found \def\obeypar{\catcode`\^^M\active \let ^^M\par }` and tried to define \obeylines (LaTeX tells me it's undefined) but since these are TeX primitives (?) they give an error. Can I tell LaTeX that this part should be treated as TeX? What am I missing or where I can read about these things? A: If I understand the question, you need to distinguish the empty and non-empty lines in code environment. You can try the following: \def\emptyline{\hbox to\hsize{\dotfill empty line\dotfill}} %\def\emptyline{\vskip.7\baselineskip} % ... another alternative ... \def\printemptyline#1{\def\par{\ifvmode\emptyline\fi\endgraf}\obeylines} \begin{code}\printemptyline text 1space 2spaces new line empty line before this line \end{code} This gives the result:

Hope. Joy.. Feelings cloaked as words. Tag challenge deep down where you are truly are the most rudimental form of you. it is a will, a compassion, a purpose, a meaning, a purpose to bring meaning to this world that slowly loses its meaning. on the surface we... Continue Reading → We live in a society where opportunities are more open to everyone, information is more accessible to everyone, the ways of thinking are more widely acceptable by everyone, choices are more freely to be made by people. Or is it?... Continue Reading → 3:30 a.m. woke up by the alarm and some discipline, the wee hours felt groggy but I must get ready for the run 2 hours away. Dragged myself out of bed, washed up with a half-awoken mind, saturated myself with... Continue Reading → Wow... This is beyond my imaginations and the fact that I have made it this far not giving up on anything yet, indeed this is remarkable. Thanks! A big shout-out to people who read my posts although I had hiatuses... Continue Reading → What is life? A simple rhetorical question that we ask ourselves every time that we need to. Most of us wander around in this realm of life without any definite purpose; most of us live simply just to find the... Continue Reading → Falling down in life is inevitable and the chances of people getting up are never on the bright side. Life is never a bed of roses and we should never underestimate the repercussions of losing momentum completely. If we were... Continue Reading → The sun overhung above me, shining mercilessly on me, scorching the air that I breathed. I was heaving heavily as I reached my 3rd km mark, my body was shouting out for me to quit, to take a rest, and... Continue Reading → do the right thing, at the right time, at the right place, for the right reason. - Mr. Leong Youth is never waiting, so as time. I am not any younger than I was yesterday, I am letting time slip... Continue Reading → Scratching my head after I had awakened from a sudden blackout while pondering about my choices about giving consciousness to an Artificial Intelligence (A.I.)- my computer, Alexa. I did all my equations over stacks of papers, scribbled messily. The idea... Continue Reading →

Q: On CentOS Linux 7.4, cannot install the R package "httpuv" I am currently using CentOS Linux 7.4.1708 (Core). I have tried to install the package httpuv in R through various methods to no avail. It always ends with the error: CC src/unix/libuv_la-procfs-exepath.lo CC src/unix/libuv_la-proctitle.lo CC src/unix/libuv_la-sysinfo-loadavg.lo CC src/unix/libuv_la-sysinfo-memory.lo CCLD libuv.la libtool: error: require no space between '-L' and '-L/n/helmod/apps/centos7/Core/pcre/8.37-fasrc02/lib' make[1]: *** [libuv.la] Error 1 make[1]: Leaving directory `/tmp/Rtmp5Dj7hL/R.INSTALL5c046d96dc92/httpuv/src/libuv' make: *** [libuv/.libs/libuv.a] Error 2 ERROR: compilation failed for package ‘httpuv’ Does anyone have any thought as to what is going on here? Thanks. A: The previous answer is partially correct in that it identifies libuv as the missing dependency. In CentOS 7 you can add this with yum install libuv-devel, then attempt to install the package again with install.packages("httpuv") and provided that was your only issue, it should compile correctly.

INTRODUCTION {#s1} ============ Hepatocellular carcinoma (HCC) is one of the most common malignant tumors and ranks the third highest cause of cancer-related deaths worldwide \[[@R1], [@R2]\]. The resection rate of HCC has increased over decades due to the improvements in early diagnostic methods and surgical techniques. However, the postoperative recurrence rate and overall survival (OS) are not optimistic due to limited response to various adjunctive therapies and aggressive behaviors in advanced stages of HCC \[[@R3]\]. Thus, an accurate understanding of the biological behavior of therioma is critical in predicting the prognosis of HCC patients. Traditional prognostic factors related to the clinicopathological characteristics of the neoplasm after hepatic resection such as tumor size, vascular invasion, tumor-node-metastasis(TNM) stage, functional liver reserve and Child-Pugh class have a limited clinical value for outcome prediction \[[@R4]\]. Therefore, a variety of other potential molecular predictive markers need to be further identified. A sequential process, including escape from the primary tumor site, local invasion, systemic transport through vascular or lymphatic vessels, adhesion to distant organs, re-colonization, and expansion, is believed to be involved in hepatic carcinogenesis. Epithelial to mesenchymal transition (EMT) is known to play a pivotal role in the diffusion of cancer cells and the growth of tumors, in which epithelial cells lose their polarity and cell-cell contacts due to repressed expression of E-cadherin and up-regulated expression of mesenchymal markers such as N-cadherin, vimentin and α--smooth muscle actin (α--SMA) \[[@R5]\]. EMT could enhance not only the capacity of invasion and migration but resistance to apoptosis and chemoresistance in cancer. EMT may alter the gene expression of epithelial cells due to the activation of EMT-inducing transcription factors (EMT-TFs). In this meta-analysis, we focused on the most prominent inducers of EMT such as the zinc finger E-box binding homeobox (ZEB1 and ZEB2), the zinc-finger transcriptional repressor (Snail and Slug), and the basic helix-loop-helix transcription factor (Twist1) through searching the published literature \[[@R6], [@R7]\], knowing that EMT-TFs are directly or indirectly involved in metastasis of malignant cells through a series of signaling cascades, including the wingless-related integration site(Wnt), serine/threonine-specific protein kinase (Akt), mitogen-activated protein kinase (MAPK) and signal transducer and activator of transcription 3 (STAT3) pathways \[[@R8], [@R9]\]. During the past decade, much research has begun noticing the correlation between the expression of EMT-TFs and the prognosis of HCC. However, the results are often unconvincing due to the limited sample sizes. Here, we sought to perform a meta-analysis to evaluate clinicopathological and prognostic significance of EMT-TFs overexpression in HCC patients, especially those with high incidences of recurrence after curative resection. RESULTS {#s2} ======= Study selection and patient characteristics {#s2_1} ------------------------------------------- The initial search identified 418 potentially relevant studies. After screening, 10 published studies including 1,334 patients were selected for this pooled analysis \[[@R10]--[@R19]\]. A flowchart depicting the selection of the eligible literature is shown in Figure [1](#F1){ref-type="fig"}. {#F1} All the included studies were retrospectively analyzed, with the sample size ranging from 40 to 323 (median 133). The overexpression of EMT-TFs was reported in 662 (49.6%) of the 1,334 included patients. The highest positive expression rate was Twist1, accounting for 60.3%, followed by Snail (51.9%), ZEB2 (50.3%), ZEB1 (43.6%) and Slug (29.4%). These studies were published between 2007 and 2015. Among all cohorts, Asia was the only source region of the 10 included studies, including 9 studies from China \[[@R11]--[@R19]\] and one from Japan \[[@R10]\]. Newcastle-Ottawa Quality Assessment Scale was applied to assess these studies. The result showed that the quality scores ranged from 5 to 8 (median 6.5), indicating a relatively high study quality. Characteristics of the included studies are listed in Table [1](#T1){ref-type="table"}. All the studies focused on OS, with a median follow-up period of at least 48 (48--80) months. The definition of EMT-TFs positive expression was based on immunohistochemistry (IHC) or western blot analysis (WB) evaluation in all the eligible articles, as expressed as the percentage of positive cells or/and staining intensity. Hazard ratios (HRs) and 95% confidence intervals (CIs) were directly recorded in 8 studies \[[@R10]--[@R12], [@R15]--[@R19]\] and could be inferred from two other studies using the Tierney\'s methods described above, among which one \[[@R14]\] were calculated by variance and *P* value, and the other \[[@R13]\] was estimated only by Kaplan-Meier survival curves. ###### Characteristics of the included studies EMT-TFs Author Year Country Case EMT-TFs Positive(%) Treatment Antibody method Outcome MFu time (months) NOS score --------- ---------- ------- --------- ----------- --------------------- ----------- ------------ ------------ ---------------------- ---------------------- ----------- ---- ---- --- ZEB1 Motoyuki 2013 Japan 108 23 (21.3) Surgery goat polyclonal 1:100 SantaCruz, CA, USA IHC OS 60 8 Zhou 2011 China 110 72 (65.5) Surgery NA NA NA SantaCruz, CA, USA WB OS 60 7 ZEB2 Cai 2012 China 248 150 (60.5) Surgery rabbit polyclonal 1:100 Sigma, St.Louis, USA IHC OS 80 8 Yang 2015 China 92 21 (22.8) Surgery rabbit polyclonal 1:100 Abcam, Cambridge, UK IHC OS 60 5 Snail1 Zhou 2014 China 323 161 (49.8) Surgery NA NA NA Novus, USA IHC OS 60 6 Zhao 2012 China 97 57 (58.8) Surgery NA NA 1:250 SantaCruz, CA, USA IHC OS 60 7 Slug Zhang 2013 China 119 35 (29.4) Surgery NA NA NA Danvers, MA, USA IHC OS 60 8 Twist1 Zhang 2010 China 100 70 (70.0) Surgery rabbit polyclonal 1:50 SantaCruz, CA, USA IHC OS 76 7 Zhao 2011 China 97 51 (52.6) Surgery NA NA 1:100 SantaCruz, CA, USA IHC OS 60 7 Niu 2007 China 40 22 (55.0) Surgery rabbit monoclonal 1:50 SantaCruz, CA, USA IHC OS 48 6 Abbreviations: EMT-TFs = epithelial to mesenchymal transition-inducing transcription factors; NA = not available; IHC = Immunohistochemistry; WB = Western Blot; MFu = median Follow-up; OS = overall survival; NOS = Newcastle-Ottawa Scale. Evidence synthesis {#s2_2} ------------------ EMT-TFs and OS in HCC {#s2_3} --------------------- The pooled HR for OS indicated that EMT-TF positive expression was associated with poor OS \[HR = 1.71; 95% CI: 1.40--2.08; *p* \< 0.00001\] in HCC with a statistically significant 71% increase in the risk for mortality (Figure [2](#F2){ref-type="fig"}). Seeing that the heterogeneity test showed a *P* value of 0.08 and an I^2^ statistic index of 41%, we considered that there may be relatively substantial heterogeneity between these studies, and therefore we used the random-effects model. {#F2} Figure [3](#F3){ref-type="fig"} shows the impact of various individual EMT-TFs on the survival of HCC patients. The significantly higher HRs for OS was Slug \[HR = 2.12; 95% CI: 1.16--3.86; *p* = 0.01\]. But as the transcription factor was reported in only one study, the result should be considered with caution. In addition to ZEB2 \[HR = 1.23; 95% CI: 0.59--2.57; *p* = 0.58\], HRs for Twist1 \[HR = 2.04; 95% CI: 1.50--2.78; *p* \< 0.00001\], Snail1 \[HR = 1.87; 95% CI: 1.41--2.48; *p* \< 0.0001\], and ZEB1 \[HR = 1.61; 95% CI: 1.12--2.31; *p* = 0.01\] suggested that their positive expression correlated with poor OS. {#F3} EMT-TFs and clinicopathological features in HCC {#s2_4} ----------------------------------------------- In the meta-analysis, the pooled data revealed that the associations between EMT-TFs and the following clinicopathological features were significant: TNM stage \[III+IV vs. I+II; OR = 2.18; 95% CI: 1.08--4.38; *p* = 0.03\], histological differentiation \[poor vs. well+moderate; OR = 1.96; 95% CI: 1.22--3.17; *p* = 0.006\], intrahepatic metastasis \[pos vs. neg; OR = 2.94; 95% CI: 1.56--5.54; *p* = 0.0009\] and vascular invasion \[pos vs. neg; OR = 3.09; 95% CI: 1.67--5.73; *p* = 0.0003\]. Therefore, the findings from the subgroup analysis were consistent with the conclusion that EMT-TFs as a poor prognostic factor. However, no significant association between EMT-TFs overexpression and age (\> 55 vs. ≤ 55), gender (male vs. female), tumor size (\> 5 cm vs. ≤ 5 cm), cirrhosis (yes vs. no), hepatitis B surface antigen (pos vs. neg) or AFP (\> 20 ng/ml vs. ≤ 20 ng/ml) was found. The details of the subgroup analysis results are summarized in Table [2](#T2){ref-type="table"}. ###### Correlation of EMT-TFs overexpression and clinicopathological features in HCC variable No.of No.of OR (95% CI) *P* Heterogeneity Model used ------------------------------------------- ------- ------- ------------------- -------- --------------- ------------ -------- TNM stage (III+IV vs. I+II) 6 766 2.18 (1.08--4.38) 0.03 76 0.0008 random Differentiation (poor vs. well+ moderate) 5 435 1.96 (1.22--3.17) 0.006 0 0.58 fixed Intrahepatic metastasis (pos vs. neg) 3 258 2.94 (1.56--5.54) 0.0009 0 0.86 fixed Vascular invasion (pos vs. neg) 2 218 3.09 (1.67--5.73) 0.0003 0 0.98 fixed Age (\> 55 vs. ≤ 55) 2 219 1.27 (0.71--2.26) 0.42 48 0.16 fixed Gender (male vs. female) 7 817 1.32 (0.89--1.96) 0.17 0 0.80 fixed Tumor size (\> 5 cm vs. ≤ 5 cm) 6 687 1.09 (0.62--1.91) 0.76 63 0.02 random Cirrhosis (yes vs. no) 3 458 0.83 (0.55--1.25) 0.38 50 0.13 fixed HBSAg (pos vs. neg) 4 498 1.30 (0.75--2.26) 0.35 0 0.89 fixed AFP (\> 20 ng/ml vs. ≤ 20 ng/ml ) 4 483 0.90 (0.42--1.96) 0.80 68 0.02 random Abbreviations: HBSAg = hepatitis B surface antigen; AFP = alpha fetoprotein; pos = positive; neg = negative. Assessment of possible publication bias and sensitivity analysis {#s2_5} ---------------------------------------------------------------- The possible publication bias among these eligible studies was evaluated by applying the Begg\'s funnel plot and the Egger\'s test. As illustrated in Figure [4](#F4){ref-type="fig"}, visual assessment of the funnel plots shapes revealed no obvious publication bias for OS, and evaluation using Egger\'s test also failed to discover solid evidence for significant publication bias (*t* = 1.33; *p* = 0.220, Figure not shown). When the number of studies was smaller than 10, publication bias was not investigated because of the low sensitivity of the quantitative and qualitative tests \[[@R20]\]. In such cases, we performed the sensitivity analysis by removing one study at each time. The result demonstrated that not a single study had remarkable impact on the overall HRs. Thus, the above results further verified that the general conclusions of this current meta-analysis were credible. {#F4} DISCUSSION {#s3} ========== Early diagnostic and surgical techniques of HCC have been improved greatly within the past decade. However, recurrence and metastasis remains one of the major threats and the most critical aspect of HCC, because it is the key event causing most cancer-related deaths \[[@R1], [@R21]\]. EMT is considered to be one of the key initial steps in cancer development, progression and metastasis, knowing that EMT can induce dissemination of malignant cells, thereby increasing cell migration and invasion \[[@R22], [@R23]\]. The concept of EMT and its reverse process, mesenchymal to epithelial transition (MET), was first recognized in the field of embryology, and is now known to play diverse roles in embryonic development and a series of physiological processes such as gastrulation, neural tube formation, tissue homeostasis, wound healing, stem cell plasticity, and organ fibrosis \[[@R24], [@R25]\]. There are growing studies reporting that EMT is involved not only in tumor metastasis and progression but in cancer recurrence and resistance to conventional adjuvant therapies \[[@R26], [@R27]\]. Recent studies found that EMT-TFs were overexpressed in cancer patients, suggesting that numerous EMT-inducing transcription factors may act as primary molecular switches to induce the EMT process by activating or inhibiting the known signaling pathways \[[@R8], [@R28]\]. A meta-analysis of 3218 patients from 14 studies was published in 2016 demonstrated that the overexpression of EMT-TFs was a poor prognostic factor for metastatic breast cancer \[HR = 1.72; 95% CI: 1.53--1.93; *p* = 0.001\] \[[@R29]\]. Accordingly, there has been great interest to confirm whether EMT-TFs high expression could be used as a potential prognostic biomarker for HCC to help guide surveillance and clinical decision-making regarding adjunctive therapies. However, there is no comprehensive analysis to draw a generally accepted conclusion. In the current meta-analysis, we collected all data available from published articles to assess the correlation between EMT-TFs expression and HCC prognosis after resection for the first time. The pooled HR results suggest that the up-regulated expression of EMT-TFs (ZEB1, Snail, Slug, and Twist1) may contribute to the adverse prognosis of HCC. In addition, our study also indicates the predictive value of EMT-TFs high expression for HCC metastasis and progression. According to the results of evidence synthesis, we consider EMT-TFs high expression as a new biomarker and a risk factor for the prediction of the HCC outcome after resection. There are some possible explanations for the close association of EMT-TF high expression with poor prognosis in HCC. First of all, EMT-TFs together with other factors can specifically bind to the E-box DNA sequences within the E-cadherin promoter, recruit transcriptional corepressors and histone deacetylases, thereby repressing E-cadherin expression and acquiring the expression of mesenchymal markers, such as N-cadherin, Vimentin, and α--SMA \[[@R30], [@R31]\]. Afterwards, it regulates the EMT process directly or indirectly by activating or inactivating the known signaling pathways. Second, recent evidence has supported the discovery that EMT-TFs overexpression is closely linked to the induction of cancer stem cell (CSC) phenotype that possesses self-renewal properties in various types of human cancers, thus enhancing tumorigenesis and helping resistance to chemo/radiation therapy associated with CSC characteristics \[[@R32]--[@R34]\]. Third, the up-regulated expression of EMT-TFs induces tumor invasion and metastasis. For instance, Snail was found to induce cancer cell invasion through regulating the expression of MMP proteins in HCC \[[@R35]\]. In addition, EMT-TFs also can regulate angiogenic factors and hypoxia-inducible factor-1 alpha (HIF-1α) to promote tumor angiogenesis in HCC \[[@R36]\]. Finally, several studies have also suggested that EMT-TFs play a critical role in the regulation of anti-apoptosis and anti-cancer drug resistance \[[@R37], [@R38]\]. Consequently, EMT, CSC generation, tumor invasion and metastasis, and angiogenesis are closely associated with the transformation of cancer cells to more aggressive behavior. These roles of EMT-TFs may help partially explain why HCC patients with EMT-TF overexpression had significantly shorter OS than those with EMT-TF low expression. During EMT, tumor cells gradually lose the epithelial markers (E-cadherin, tight junction protein-1, laminin and cytokeratin) and obtain the expression of mesenchymal markers (N-cadherin, Vimentin and α--SMA). Among them, one of the essential hallmarks of EMT is the loss of E-cadherin function, which is really important to adequately understand the whole regulation mechanism of EMT-TFs as the upstream molecules of E-cadherin \[[@R39]\]. A variety of signaling pathways are triggered by EMT-TFs, including the Akt, MAPK, STAT3, transforming growth factor beta (TGFβ), β-catenin, Wnt, Ras, and Notch pathways. In addition to the classical triggering signaling pathways, some signaling molecules such as epidermal growth factor (EGF), nuclear factor kappa B (NF-κB), fibroblast growth factor (FGF), neurotrophic receptor tyrosine kinase B (Tr-kB), hepatocyte growth factor (HGF), steroid receptor co-activator (SRC)-3 protein, necrosis factor alpha (TNF-α), and HIF-1α are all activated \[[@R8], [@R9]\]. The coordination of these factors results in the repression of E-cadherin expression. Thus, success in targeting EMT-TFs via RNA interference (RNAi) technology or specific chemotherapeutic drugs will provide a new approach for the control of cancer metastasis. There are several limitations in this meta-analysis, even though efforts have been made to comprehensively evaluate clinicopathological and prognostic significance of EMT-TFs overexpression in HCC. First, different antibodies, dilution solubility and cut-off values will impact the accuracy of assessment that the positive expression of EMT-TFs. Hence, a large multicenter clinical study using the same antibody and cut-off values may be helpful to gain more credible results. Second, there may be potential language bias in this meta-analysis, because the search strategy was limited to studies published in English only. In addition, the eligible articles included only Asian populations, thus lacking the homogeneity of the population distribution. Third, not all the studies directly provided HRs and 95% CIs, so the data extracted by using Tierney\'s methods may also cause the imprecision of the original data. Despite these limitations, the results of our meta-analysis initially support the hypothesis that EMT-TF overexpression is associated with malignant phenotype features and poor postoperative OS of HCC patients in Asian populations. More investigations are needed in order to fully understand the pivotal role of each individual EMT-TF so as to provide new insights into tumor metastasis and progression, and lay a theoretical foundation for innovating target-specific drug therapies and molecular prognostic biomarkers of HCC after resection. MATERIALS AND METHODS {#s4} ===================== Literature search strategy {#s4_1} -------------------------- A comprehensive systematic literature search in the PubMed, Web of Science database and Cochrane Library was performed to retrieve all the relevant articles (deadline until December 31, 2016 ), with the limit to "human" and papers published in English. The initial electronic search strategies included using the random combination of following Medical Subject Heading (MeSH) search terms: "ZEB, Snail, Slug or Twist1 ", "hepatocellular carcinoma", and "prognosis". In addition, reference lists from identified primary articles were then once again manual cross-searched to identify any studies that were omitted by the search strategies. In the situation when multiple studies overlapped patient cohorts, only the published research with the largest sample size was included in the analysis. Data extraction {#s4_2} --------------- The titles and abstracts of all candidate articles were read independently by two reviewers (TW. and TZ.), and irrelevant ones were subsequently excluded according to the PICO principle \[[@R40]\]. Then, articles that could not be classified based on the abstracts alone were required for full-text scrutinization. Finally, eligible studies were carefully selected according to the following inclusion criteria. If any disagreement or discrepancy occurred in the eligibility of studies, the two reviewers would conduct a debate or consult the third reviewer (YZ.) until a consensus was reached. Quality assessment was conducted for each of the acceptable studies by two reviewers independently (YZ. and TZ.) using the Newcastle--Ottawa Quality Assessment Scale (NOS) \[[@R41]\]. Parameters were extracted from each included paper, including the first author\'s name, publication year, country, number of total patients, cases with positive expression rates of EMT-TFs, TNM stage, follow-up period, HRs and 95% CIs and *P*-values for OS. OS was defined as the period from the time of confirmed diagnosis of HCC to death, regardless of the patients receiving treatment or not. If the HRs were not directly shown in the article, we tried to contact the authors for additional data. If the authors did not reply, we extracted data from Kaplan-Meier survival curves by applied the Engauge Digitizer V4.1, and then the Tierney\'s methods was utilized to calculate the HRs and 95% CIs \[[@R42]\]. Criteria for inclusion and exclusion {#s4_3} ------------------------------------ To be eligible for selection of this meta-analysis, studies were required to fulfill the following criteria: (1) patients were histologically confirmed as HCC; (2) the expression of EMT-TFs (ZEB1, ZEB2, Snail, Slug, Twist1) was measured by IHC or WB; (3) studies provided the correlation between EMT-TFs and OS; (4) studies reported HRs with 95% CIs, or calculation of these statistics from the data and survival curves presented; and (5) articles were published as papers in English. Letters, reviews, editorials, abstracts, expert opinions, experiments that were performed on cell lines or animals, and articles that had inadequate original survival data for further analysis were excluded from this meta-analysis Statistical analysis {#s4_4} -------------------- All the statistical analyses were performed via Review Manager 5.3 (The Cochrane Collaboration, Oxford, UK) and Stata 12 (Stata Corporation, College Station, TX, USA) in the meta-analysis. For the pooled analysis of the correlation between EMT-TFs expression and the clinical prognosis, HRs and 95% CIs for OS were combined to calculate the effective value (logHR and SE). As for the impact of EMT-TFs on clinicopathologic parameters of HCC, the pooled ORs and 95% CIs were used. Statistical heterogeneity was evaluated through the chi-squared test and *I*^2^ test. A chi-squared *P* value \< 0.10 indicated the presence of statistically significant heterogeneity \[[@R43]\]. Pooled effects were calculated using either a fixed-effect or random-effects model \[[@R44]\]. A pooled HR \> 1 indicated a higher risk of poor survival. The potential publication bias was analyzed by the Egger\'s test and Begg\'s Funnel plots \[[@R45]\]. Sensitivity analysis was also tested by excluding each study individually. Two-tailed *P* values \< 0.05 were considered to denote statistical significance. **Authors' contributions** Conception/Design: Yanming Zhou. Provision of study materials: Tao Wan, Tianwei Zhang, Xiaoying Si. Collection and/or extract data: Xiaoying Si, Yanming Zhou. Data analysis and statistical guidance: Tao Wan, Tianwei Zhang, Yanming Zhou. Final approval of the manuscript: Tao Wan, Tianwei Zhang, Xiaoying Si, Yanming Zhou. **CONFLICTS OF INTEREST** The authors indicated no financial relationships. **FUNDING** The study was supported by Foundation of Health and Family Planning Commission of Fujian Province of China (Project no.2013-ZQN-JC-31). HCC : hepatocellular carcinoma EMT-TFs : epithelial to mesenchymal transition -inducing transcription factors ZEB : zinc finger E-box binding homeobox SNAI : zinc-finger transcriptional repressor Twist : basic helix-loop-helix transcription factor OR : odds ratios HR : hazard ratios OS : overall survival CI : 95% confidence interval IHC : immunohistochemistry WB : western blot analysis CSC : cancer stem cell MeSH : Medical Subject Heading NOS : Newcastle--Ottawa Scale