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Would you be willing to share a joke about bets elderly with me?

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the \*lawyer was banging his head against the wall.\* He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with employee glass?

Milk Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk Sperm bank employee: Oh no Me: What Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk Edit: a letter, thanks u/FatchRacall for pointing it out

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about seat soldier with me?

A woman on a train is refusing to let a tired soldier sit down An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines. The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again. Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around dentist whitest?

I dated a dentist a while back, She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to arabs wouldn?

Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11. It would be IX/XI. edit: Wow, I came back and this really blew up!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with irony meant?

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to definitely gay? Do you have one?

If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing... ...he is gay. Definitely gay.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around did thor?

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with dark mode?

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Cause light attracts bugs.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with bar deleted?

Donald Trump walked into a bar [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves hand holy?

A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it..." Edit: I genuinely did not know this is a repost, but thanks for all the reminders. I had never heard it before and thought I'd share.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves user karma?

How does the reddit user get karma when they don’t deserve it? Piece of cake

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with male doctor?

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!" The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about mumbles testicles with me?

A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ‘ are-my-tests-re-sults-back?’

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about anal upvote with me?

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal. Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves italian dessert.

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream? Everyone I ask can't remember either.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about professor stayed. Do you have any good ones?

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane. Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students. All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic. The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?” “I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about shaves trump. Do you have any good ones?

Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to boys eddy?

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids. The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"** "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. **"Well, then I just call them by their last names."**

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about juice party. Do you have any good ones?

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand. The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food. The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table. When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!" The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with husband texts?

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Do you know any jokes related to missed calls?

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around fridge birthday should do the trick.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to memory loss?

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss." I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves taxi driver?

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer. The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on. The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence. "Hey, ma-" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks. "Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet." "What did you do before this?" "I drove a hearse."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to german shepherd?

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day. Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to hawaiian monk?

A man walks into a bar And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar. "What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink. "There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out. So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there's a dragon. It's fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man. "You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?" The Hawaiian monk asks. "Sure, what do you need?" The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private jet and flies into the desert where he meets a sphinx. The sphinx asks him a riddle. "What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?" After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a human. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of penguins but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a red jewel. He picks up the jewel and a spaceship appears. Bored, the man gets into the spaceship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Saturn. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football pitch. He sets foot on it when a tree ambushes him. "Hello, will you take me to earth?" The tree asks. "Sure." The man says. "You're a great dude so I'll grant you one wish." The tree promises. "Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?" The man asks. "Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors." The tree moans. "Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?" The man says. "What kind of watch again?" The tree asks.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves boob quantitties.

What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob? Quantitties

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Can you think of a joke that relates to postmen angry that you could tell me?

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN they become VERY ANGRY

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with weed caveman?

Caveman discovers weed Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with infinite wishes?

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ........

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves doctor naming?

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news? Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you Edit: Wow, my first Reddit Silver, and two of them, thanks strangers!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to dig beautiful. Do you have one?

I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to liked young. Do you have one?

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with lumberjack grinned?

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about sexiest underwear. Do you have any good ones?

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It’s laundry day.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about urge eat?

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there? Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves sex 58am?

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM. Thanks daylight savings!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about loan blonde. Do you have any good ones?

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to satan suddenly?

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed “Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.” Edit: thanks for the gold, and I’ll go ahead and clarify that I got this joke from my mom some 8 to 10 years ago, I’m getting a bunch of people saying that it’s a repost, wasn’t aware, sorry

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about 69 afraid with me?

Why is 69 afraid of 70? Because they once had a fight and 71. # Sorry guys.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to prison. Do you have one?

Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence Edit: I fell asleep after posting this and woke up seeing it on the front page, thanks guys!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to doctor bad that you could tell me?

You thought what United did to that doctor was bad? Just wait till you see what Reddit did to a dead horse. EDIT: I don't know what that gold star is but boy am I glad I have it!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with clothes poor?

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with little johnny?

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis. And three years later, that priest went to prison.

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Do you know any jokes related to wife cheating?

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves genie wish?

Genie: You have only one more wish left. Genie: You have only one more wish left. Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about salary that you could tell me?

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with caught masturbating?

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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Can you think of a joke that centers around boobs pictures?

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.! Edit: Wow, thank you everyone! First time my post made to Front page; so.. umm.. front page = I get boobie pictures in mailbox right?????? =D Edit: Ooo sorry, I wasn't supposed to thank anyone! Update: Front page get boobs pictures - Myth BUSTED!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to help erection that you could tell me?

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves assassin charged.

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves pilot blonde?

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “ Edit: Thanks for the gold. Thanks for the comments. Thanks for the abuse - whilst highlighting that it is an unoriginal joke. At no point did I proclaim to have written it, but it is a cracking joke.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to trapped females? Do you have one?

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body Then I was born

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves anal bleaching?

I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'. I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to bobby droppings?

Little Bobby was running through the woods Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gather. After a couple weeks of doing this, Bobby had created a rather tall pile of dung. So tall, in fact, that he now needed to use a step ladder to make sure he had a stable poo-pole developing. A curious neighbor caught sight of Bobby doing this, and after confronting Bobby, the neighbor punched Bobby in the face and told him to grow the hell up. Over the next few days, word of Bobby's droppings had spread around town. It started with just a few people a day coming up to Bobby, punching him in the face, and telling him the errs of his way. It wasn't long until there was a line of over 50 people waiting to see Bobby's poo-pole and to subsequently punch him in the face. The line moved pretty slowly, however, and someone towards the back of the line had to take care of some business of his own. Not wanting to leave his spot, he dropped his pants answered nature's call right then and there. The stench of his droppings spread quickly throughout the line. One gentleman towards the front of the line caught its stench when he saw Bobby's creation, admiration spreading across his face. The man at the front of the line turned around and said "that was a good shit post, but this punchline stinks."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves monday greg?

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to spell criticism that you could tell me?

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around static electricity?

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around trump boat should do the trick.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? America.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with pin grenade?

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in? Quick answers please.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves kong police?

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds. Edit: WTF is wrong with you people? I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong. Edit 2: Add edit to first comment. Also head over to awardspeechedits. They really hate me over there. Thanks for all the awards. Happy Saturday (Sunday over in OZ/NZ )everyone.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about stars die. Do you have any good ones?

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die "Usually an overdose", I said Edit: Woah! An extra life award. Thanks for that :)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around run car?

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired... But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about pain transfer with me?

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about eat silica. Do you have any good ones?

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??” Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually. Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around keto burger?

You: Would you like a keto burger? My anaconda: No.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about yale interviewer?

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves language eu?

Should English be the only official language of the EU? The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". --- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. --- In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. --- By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. --- #Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. --- Wow! Thank you for the gold, kind strangers :)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves debates butts?

Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face. Except for Chris Brown

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to laptop said?

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try to sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!" I said "$200 and it's yours."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about heaven married?

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding.... On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?' Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around wife said should do the trick.

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend. I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about novel braille with me?

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around tell vasectomy should do the trick.

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to late math that you could tell me?

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with jim old?

The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves iron man?

Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to parents wife?

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you." Husband: "What’s up?" Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid." Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to gambler dies?

A gambler dies and goes to Heaven... A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder... "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you." The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see..." The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves thirty dollar?

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with condoms said?

My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college. He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about fish priest that you could tell me?

A priest hooks a huge fish A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright." Edit: Thanks for Gold and Silver! Please if you wanna donate, do so to **r/doctorswithoutborders/**

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about asked threesome. Do you have any good ones?

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves word lieutenant?

Is there an “f” in lieutenant? A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private. “Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.” “I was told there was.” “No, sir, no lieutenant here.” “I’m pretty sure there is.” The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?” “Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.” “That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?” Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.” “And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?” The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.” “That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around wife gladiator should do the trick.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with glued autobiography?

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to little johnny?

Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad... Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly. "Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing. Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing." Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom. Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?" "That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow." "But mommy said it was nothing!" Johnny replied. Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son... I've spoiled that woman..."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with russian spy?

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to girl sofa?

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs” “Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves knife date.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. Edit: Thank you for the silver and gold.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves tongue slipped?

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves moore election?

Roy Moore Election results are coming in. He is only in the teens.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves pablo escobar?

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to wife asked that you could tell me?

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... I tell her that they /r/jokes.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to husband prison? Do you have one?

A woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" The officer laughs, saying: "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!" "Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around kevin spacey?

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races? Because he likes to come in a little behind.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about kids fighting that you could tell me?

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in... Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to stupid fireman that you could tell me?

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off. Stupid fireman.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes