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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with wife hearing?

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice. “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

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What's a funny joke that relates to shots bartender?

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..." The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

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Do you know any jokes related to wife dress?

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun. I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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What's a funny joke that relates to left insecure?

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

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Would you be willing to share a joke about master yoda with me?

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k? HDMI edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking

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How about a joke related to woman disrespectful? Do you have one?

The wife came early and found her husband making love with a young attractive woman. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife and mother of your children! I am leaving you" The husband replied "Hang on a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened" "Go ahead", she sobbed. " but probably they will be the last words you will say to me" And the husband began " Well, I was getting in to the car to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So , in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid that you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have a good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair of the same. The husband took a quick breath and continued- ' She was so grateful for my understanding and help and that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ' Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' That's how we ended up on bed.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to easter anagram?

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves terms cremation.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to logging business?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success.

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Can you think of a joke that centers around 15 minutes?

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will. No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

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Can you think of a joke that centers around janitor clever?

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with penises doctor?

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove." Edit: thank you everyone for the upvotes, because if you, the top post on my Reddit profile will forever be an old joke about a man with too many penises.

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What's a funny joke that relates to benign pirate?

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about hillary locked?

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up... He should have hired her!

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around took wheelchair should do the trick.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about arrest suspicion?

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed... After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with recycled content?

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world. The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

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Do you know any jokes related to guy knife?

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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Can you share a joke that involves adjust watches?

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about sequence yoda?

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3? In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about einstein goes. Do you have any good ones?

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

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Can you think of a joke that relates to long showers that you could tell me?

My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about backdoor. Do you have any good ones?

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with left insecure?

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

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Can you think of a joke that centers around day ugly?

I wish I could be ugly for one day. Being ugly every day sucks.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to ternative mean that you could tell me?

My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

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What's a funny joke that relates to husband replied?

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves school piranhas?

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves girlfriend tried.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with bezos alexa?

Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer." Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to soccer cleats. Do you have one?

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats. "So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear. "I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers. "Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to cheated husband?

Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once Wife: me too. husband: 1st of Apriii.... Wife: 18th of June

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves emo capella?

What do you call an emo a capella group? Self Harmony Edit: #10 on /r/all! And thanks for the gold kind stranger!

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to vaxxers measles?

Only anti-vaxxers will get this Measles

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about dude brochure?

Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with albino dalmatian?

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least I could do for the guy.

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with magic fairy?

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."

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Can you share a joke that involves jewish girl?

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about quarantine productivity. Do you have any good ones?

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine. Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves question vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with son robot?

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.” Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.” Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother. ^Edit: ^Fixed ^grammar ^+ ^tenses.

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves sex jimmy?

Afternoon Sex The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with truck rolled?

A man heard that masturbating before sex... A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with tommy wiseau?

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to vegas gamble that you could tell me?

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to computer american that you could tell me?

What’s the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to criminal record?

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” I said, “No. Is that still required?”

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with girls stud?

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around pervert nsfw should do the trick.

How do you grab the attention of a pervert? An NSFW tag

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Can you share a joke that involves avoid clickbait?

Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not. - Edit: Thanks for the gold (gild?), kind stranger.

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What's a good joke that relates to freed gb?

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up? A: 1 GB Edit: Getting lots of people complaining because I said thanks. Well tuff. It’s polite. Thanks everyone :)

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves worship cows?

My wife left me for an Indian guy I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

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Can you think of a joke that centers around walkie talkies?

Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over" Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

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Would you be willing to share a joke about experts recycling with me?

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment. They are already experts at recycling.

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to 1956 general. Do you have one?

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman... The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

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What's a funny joke that relates to waffle california?

What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way). -EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with thai girls?

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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What's a funny joke that relates to momma joke?

Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock. (I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it) Edit: Deleted the long edits. Thanks for the gold. Feel free to repost and make it better.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to aussie americans?

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you.... "School" is my answer.

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Would you happen to have a joke about wife blow that you could tell me?

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job? The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves smoking diseases?

People say smoking will give you diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to milk bag. Do you have one?

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! " P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about fucking nickels. Do you have any good ones?

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on... ...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with battlefront heroes?

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about astronaut milk. Do you have any good ones?

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

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How about a joke related to new teslas? Do you have one?

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell They come with an Elon Musk.

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What's a good joke that relates to queen trump?

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

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Can you think of a joke that centers around happy mother?

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day! Edit: At least $136 worth of Reddit Gold in this thread. You never cease to amaze me, Reddit.

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around slaves free should do the trick.

I like my coffee how I like my slaves... Free

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How about a joke related to prostitutes sex? Do you have one?

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves communism jokes?

Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves wife cabbie?

Cheating Wives A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE... I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves shoot streets.

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to breasts?

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to jim mom that you could tell me?

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?" The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out." The guy looks down to see a 6'4 300lb guy and says "Well, I don't think I can do that. What's the other two parts?" "After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim's dog. He's the baddest junkyard dog you've ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you're done with that you have to go upstairs. There you'll find Big Jim's mom. She's 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You've gotta go up there and fuck her to completion." The man says "Wow, I can see why the jar is so full." After a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says "Fuck it," slaps down a $100 and jumps up on the bar and runs down and kicks Big Jim square in the jaw knocking him out cold. The bartender is stunned, as this is the furthest anyone has made it. The man runs outside to the cheers of the patrons and everyone hears snarling and growling and grows silent. Moments later they hear the dog whimper and then yelp, then nothing. Moments later the man drunkenly stumbles back in and says "Alright, now where's the old lady with the tooth?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to stalking worried?

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to husband replies?

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to disoriented priest?

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to couch ouch?

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch Ouch

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves pet attila?

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun... The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to transgender midgets?

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex? Micro trans-action

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to incorrect joke. Do you have one?

Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke... Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been kissed before" girl says. Man kisses her and she goes home happy. Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been wined and dined before" girl says. So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home. Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man. "Never been fucked before" says girl. So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says... "Well you're fucked now"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to jokes imaginary that you could tell me?

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary... Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to boy baseball?

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to jehovah witness. Do you have one?

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to inflation?

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to girlfriend yelled?

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about confused marine. Do you have any good ones?

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan. That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on... "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to poop mouth. Do you have one?

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop. The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to starbucks barista?

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with bartender remarks?

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves dad capitalism.

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years. Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to said optician? Do you have one?

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.” He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to shagged woman. Do you have one?

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!! “I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to sex winked? Do you have one?

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with joke dissect?

A joke is like a frog... When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to taking marathon?

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon. I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about asks vagina that you could tell me?

A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? " A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to fired sperm? Do you have one?

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in. **Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while. **Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with priest lawyer?

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes