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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around best time should do the trick.

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to slutty girls?

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with genetics?

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child. The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent. Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!" The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep." The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about happy father?

Dads of Reddit: Happy Father's Day... YOU MOTHER FUCKERS

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Do you know any jokes related to baguette cage?

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to look women. Do you have one?

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around chinese takeout should do the trick.

Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers.. Riceless

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves remember elephants?

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice.. Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with good speakers?

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.” That was some sound advice.

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to elf gofuckyourself?

Whats the rudest type of elf? A gofuckyourself. EDIT: thanks for exploding

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with snuggles said?

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend "And I love you tons" I replied. "Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily. Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with stung bee?

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to paddles asked?

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?" I said I'd take either/oar.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves dad joke?

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with shapiro dies?

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes? LEFT WING DESTROYED

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to best drug. Do you have one?

What is the best drug to have sex on? [deleted]

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to larry fighter. Do you have one?

Larry the Fighter Pilot A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Larry's whore"

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to joke jewish. Do you have one?

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke. Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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How about a joke related to sex wife? Do you have one?

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass. He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."

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What's a funny joke that relates to watching chernobyl?

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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What's a funny joke that relates to colon sentence?

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference For example: Johnny ate his own lunch after school. Johnny ate his own colon after school.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with priest say?

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? "Let us prey."

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around anal upvote should do the trick.

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal. Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to hitting children. Do you have one?

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around fish feed?

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about stuck traffic that you could tell me?

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to transgender midgets?

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex? Micro trans-action

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with donald devil?

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long.” The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it, was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.” “I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day”, commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, “Okay: Monica, you're free to go." Edit: for those who keep bashing me for reposting: I’ve already stated that I don’t use Reddit enough to know that. If you didn’t like it, move on. Also, I’m Australian and don’t know very much about American history: I just know about the punchline and thought that it was funny. Also, thank you to those who were kind enough to give me my first gold and silver!

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Can you think of a joke that relates to sex timmy that you could tell me?

A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house.. A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him an ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike.” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.” EDIT: It blows my mind how many people are saying things like “repost” and “karma whore” when I literally joined this sub just to post this joke after hearing it irl. I also barely post on reddit and could not care less about my karma

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What's a funny joke that relates to house haunted?

My roommate says our house is haunted I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to chocolate bar that you could tell me?

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business." ​ EDIT: Silver? Do you think I can be bought?! How dare you! EDIT: Is that gold? Well hello there fine sir.

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What's a good joke that relates to drinking opportunity?

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem." Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about steps ferrari?

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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Would you be willing to share a joke about roman soldier with me?

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with naked mother?

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"...

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Can you think of a joke that relates to sex doctor that you could tell me?

A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves celebrate?

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves trial cannibalism?

A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism. He says to the judge, "Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around slutty girls should do the trick.

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about old dinosaur with me?

65,000,011 years ago Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

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Can you share a joke that involves parole hearing?

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to slaves educated?

I like my women like I like my slaves Educated and free.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about microsoft support. Do you have any good ones?

I was talking to a scammer the other day. Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

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Would you be willing to share a joke about wife whiskey with me?

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him... So he walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to penguin joke?

The penguin joke (my favorite joke) One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back. The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?" The man Says "yes, they are my pets." The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now." So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses. The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about phish nigerian with me?

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with diet blonde?

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods… “I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day." “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

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What's a good joke that relates to left golf?

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to spider. Do you have one?

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to going farming?

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?" "I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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Can you think of a joke that centers around girlfriend dog?

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Would you happen to have a joke about father woken that you could tell me?

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend... at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about old gentleman with me?

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to autocorrect?

We'll We'll We'll... ...if it isn't autocorrect...

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What's a funny joke that relates to irish cop?

A London lawyer is driving A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? " Edit: rip inbox Edit 2: OMG front page! Thank you!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to boy palindrome. Do you have one?

Boy: What's a palindrome? Teacher: racecar {10 years later} Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to priest child?

A girl goes to a Church to confess..... Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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Can you share a joke that involves cat torture?

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with messages muslims?

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an... ...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this: "Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence." OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves tide ad?

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about chinese guy. Do you have any good ones?

Asian guy walks into a bar He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about slave college?

Why did the slave go to college? To pick up his master's degree.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about bulb group that you could tell me?

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? Why must it be a group activity?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about son ceo?

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves charity sure?

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. ...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with pretend married?

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman: "Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?" The woman answers: "I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?" The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies: "Yeah of course!" And so the woman says: "Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves beefstew password.

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about sex fruit?

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed. After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to husband lawyer?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about appear buddha that you could tell me?

Three people die and appear before Buddha Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads. -Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though. One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled. -Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve. -My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution. -My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person. -I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation. The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him. -Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life? -Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables. -You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job? -Oh...that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place. -This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours? -W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting. (edit: obligatory editted thanks to the kind people who handed over silver & gold to my stupid joke)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with navy seal?

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire.... The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around eu space?

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up? 1GB

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to bartender blind? Do you have one?

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to palindromes dr?

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. We now call him Dr. Awkward.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about south border. Do you have any good ones?

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around female cop should do the trick.

I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to life lesson that you could tell me?

Six Lessons of Life **Lesson 1:** A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,… “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” *Moral of the story:* If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.   **Lesson 2:** A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” *Moral of the story:* Always let your boss have the first say   **Lesson 3:** A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” *Moral of the story:* If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity   **Lesson 4** A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. *Moral of the story:* To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up   **Lesson 5:** Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. *Moral of the story:* Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there   **Lesson 6** A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. *Moral of the story:* 1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend 3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!   Edit: 1. Thanks for the Platinum/Gold/Silver kind strangers. This is my first time getting each of these and it happened in a single post. 2. To all those people saying this is very old, yes, I did pull this out of my stash from 2012. So it is guaranteed older than that. But I have not seen it on reddit so thought of posting it. 3. /u/The_Manic_Wolf_ found [something you guys might like](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ajr6t5/six_lessons_of_life/eezolz9/)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to skyscrapers faith?

Science builds planes and skyscrapers but faith brings them together.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves planet recycling?

If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about dark types with me?

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types. But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to old weasel?

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar... A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer." "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age." "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop." Goes the weasel.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about gay tree with me?

A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves home parrot.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’ "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with pepsi okay?

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing... It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to moon neil?

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon. Neil before me.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves blame jew?

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally... because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves lost control?

V Sorry lost control there

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves bartender wifi?

Me : What's the wifi password? Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. Me : Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender : Is Pepsi ok? Me : Sure, How much is that? Bartender : 3$ Me : There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around women turning should do the trick.

Women are actually turning into good drivers. So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to son adopted?

Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!" Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to cats movie?

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad. They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with sister funeral?

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties It didn't help that she was still wearing them. Or that his whole family was there. That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward. And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was.. EDIT: TRUMP 2020 KEEP AMERICA GREAT!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves friend officer?

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along. As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for." I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know." He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving." The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves ride laughing.

not for the easily offended - one of my favorites Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them." So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward. Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?" Smiling she agrees and they have a great time. After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home. She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up." Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!" On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk." They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him. "I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you." "it's perfectly fine." he smiles. "Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck. She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way." So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home. After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out. "Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over. Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?" "I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years." Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it." "No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves social security?

'90s kids won't get this Social security

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to bikini women?

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body. But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves tools stupid?

A bad workman blames his fools... **EDIT: tools** ...stupid keyboard...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to dirty jokes?

Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny. But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to stop addiction?

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to proposal mary?

”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal. ”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes