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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to treaters halloween?

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves scared postman.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked… I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to suspects death?

Why was 6 afraid of 7? 6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to pikachu raichu. Do you have one?

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu Raichu

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to told worry?

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed. She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to jimmy fallon?

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to knock joke. Do you have one?

Best knock knock joke ever.. Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around girlfriend better should do the trick.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to boy lover? Do you have one?

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work... Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about earther travel. Do you have any good ones?

How does a Flat Earther travel the world? on a plane

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about did metallica. Do you have any good ones?

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to knights kingdoms that you could tell me?

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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Would you be willing to share a joke about surprised nudity with me?

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked. I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to punching face?

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face. I have no idea who let her into my office.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves spoiled brats.

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway. ​ (Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!) (Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves nurses heaven.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest. “No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to jehovah witness that you could tell me?

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost.. They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves 50 shades?

50 shades of grey \#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves brothel?

A man goes into a brothel He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves pregnant priest?

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant ...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow. 'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises. Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them! 'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?' 'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face. 'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?' 'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to difference jesus?

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to wife bambi. Do you have one?

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves college forget.

"Forget everything you learned in college... "Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about marry mother. Do you have any good ones?

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married. Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine! Edit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with masturbation ears?

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation? His ears.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about oldest computer that you could tell me?

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to nihilist socialist?

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to sheer sheep?

An Australian goes to new Zealand An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about mars chose?

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to did condom?

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time." She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight. I still looked confused. She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was. "Just a minute." she said and locked the door. She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra. "You like these?" I could only nod my head. She said to put the condom on. As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down. "Come on." she said. "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes! She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?" I said, "I sure did!" ...and held up my thumb to show her.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves wife stormed?

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about term bulldozer with me?

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves pirate favorite?

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to protection?

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves eventually attractive.

If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.. .. they would eventually find me attractive

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Can you share a joke that involves fowl language?

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it It's still fowl language

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to redhead joke?

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it! A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea. "Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?" The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361." The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her. "Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"   My sister was not amused.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to carry customs?

“Father, do you have anything to declare?” A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around pregnant stacy should do the trick.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around sex 89 should do the trick.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year Today's going to be great!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with past girlfriends?

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with! The others were all eights and nines.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to coffee smells?

I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

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Would you happen to have a joke about giggled egg that you could tell me?

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with young boys?

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around lettuce?

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves telling keith?

9 months later!!! John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different!)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves questioning pilot.

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51 One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning. Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way. Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves marijuana cocaine?

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana. But cocaine is where I draw the line.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to obama donald?

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop... As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves dogs foil?

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to mama ugly?

Yo mama so ugly... Her blowjob counts as anal.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves daughters anna.

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name? Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to child gender. Do you have one?

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to relationship ended. Do you have one?

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead I just swam for the surface.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to constitution nsa?

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other… …the NSA will finally read it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to tom scrotum?

Tom's scrotum The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about bukakke party that you could tell me?

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party. Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with bahamas slice?

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about going jog?

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t. It’s my longest running joke of the year.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves bars hammered.

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?] Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to unzipped skirt?

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket... As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to eye policeman that you could tell me?

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around sneezed accidentally?

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to resignation surprising?

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation. This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves lincoln age?

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to horse joe that you could tell me?

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to vegas gamble?

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab." He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around frog smiled?

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want". Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with make china?

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to tampons walking?

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first. Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to princess marry?

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to shave testicles that you could tell me?

I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade. But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves priest danced?

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about carry customs?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves alt delete?

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves drugs laugh.

The saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about kung fu?

Kung Fu student asks his teacher "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves doctor boys.

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to rate sex?

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with teacher johnny?

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it. Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it. Johnny: I is... Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am' Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around pepsi okay should do the trick.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing... It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about clooney leonardo with me?

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie... George Clooney said, "I'll direct." Dicaprio said, "I'll produce." And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about saying cheer. Do you have any good ones?

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with vegans survive?

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat Then I remember they feed off of attention.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about memory lane?

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB That was a trip down memory lane

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to anal sex?

For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex. Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to pope spoke?

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community... If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about russia punchline?

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around abortion father should do the trick.

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister.” Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around husband packed should do the trick.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."  He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves yoda afraid?

Why was Yoda afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to wife sister?

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about ferrari gto. Do you have any good ones?

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about jews sons. Do you have any good ones?

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . . A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to religious boy?

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about sex hood that you could tell me?

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic… But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around nut november should do the trick.

No Nut November was pretty tough Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves radio sale?

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to big tits?

my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits. I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves swapped sandwiches?

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in. The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here" So they swapped sandwiches.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes