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[Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and a doctor walk inside.] Piper: Okay, I think we made it. I'm sure we made it. Do you think we made it? Prue: I don't know. Phoebe: I think he would've attacked by now if we hadn't. Doctor: Who? Who would've attacked? Why won't you tell me what's going on? Phoebe: Because we're busy trying to save your life. Doctor: From who? Prue: Uh, unfortunately we're not quite sure. Piper: That's because Phoebe did not give us time to figure it out. Phoebe: Well, I didn't have a lot of time, I mean, I can't control how far in the future my premonitions take place. I saw the attack, we kicked butt, what more do you want? Piper: I would like to know more about who we are up against. Prue: Okay, Phoebe, maybe you should check the Book of Shadows, see if you can find anything else on this demonic hit man, okay? Doctor: Excuse me, demonic? Piper: And how to vanquish him, that would be a good thing to know, and do not get side tracked with the Cole potion thingy because the only ones we are concerned about saving right now is ourselves. (Phoebe turns and heads up the stairs.) Prue: Ah, okay, what Cole potion? Piper: Ah, he told her that he only killed because some demon cast a spell on him. How naive is that? Prue: I thought she was over him? Piper: Apparently not. Doctor: What the hell are you talking about? First you tell me my life's in danger, then you abduct me from my work, now you're talking about demons and witches. Who the hell are you people? Prue: Look, I know that this all sounds incredible, but it doesn't make it any less true. Alright, you're a healer, you do good, now either you have saved too many lives or you're about to save a life that they don't want you to save. Doctor: They? Prue: Yeah, demons. Uh, more specifically, Shax. He was the Source's assassin. Doctor: Hold it, I get it. This is a practical joke, right? Do you have a hidden camera here? My second wife put you up to this? Ah, it's just like her. (He laughs.) Prue: O-o-okay, Dr. Griffiths, listen to me, this is anything but... (She stops.) Piper: What? Prue: I don't know, I just felt a chill. Phoebe? Phoebe: (from upstairs) Alright, alright, I'm coming! (A tornado of wind twists through the front door.) Piper: Phoebe! Prue: Phoebe! (The tornado flies through the foyer and knocks Prue and Piper to the floor. A clap of thunder is heard, and the tornado calms down and Shax appears. He is a tall demon and is gray all over. Gray long hair, gray skin, gray unbuttoned shirt and gray long pants.) Doctor: Dear god. Prue: No! (Prue gets up off the floor and pushes the Doctor out of the way. Shax throws an energy ball at Prue and she literally crashes straight through a wall.) Piper: Prue! (Piper gets up and Shax throws an energy ball at Piper, sending her crashing through a wall. Shax turns to the Doctor.) Doctor: What are you? Shax: The end. (Phoebe comes down the stairs, holding a piece of paper.) Phoebe: "Evil wind that blows, that which forms below, (cracks of thunder are heard) no longer may you dwell, (Shax groans) death takes you with this spell." (Shax turns back into the wind and disappears outside. Phoebe sees Prue and Piper.) Oh, no. (She goes over to them. They are unconscious and bleeding.) Oh, god. Leo! Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Hurry, it's bad. (Leo kneels down beside them and places his left hand above Prue and his right hand above Piper. He starts to heal them. After a moment the blood disappears and they are completely healed. They wake up and groan in pain.) Piper: Ahh, what happened? Leo: You guys almost died, that's what happened. Piper: Yeah, well, what else is new? Prue: Oh, where's Shax? Phoebe: Well, I tried to use the vanquishing spell on him but I think it just wounded him. He turned into the wind. Prue: Maybe the spell needs more than one witch to have it's full impact. Okay, come on. (Prue gets up and then helps Piper up.) Piper: Come on? Where? Prue: To find him so we can finish him off while he's still hurt. (to Phoebe) Look, you just stay here with Griffiths, alright. If Shax comes back, say the spell to fend him off, okay? Ow. Come on. (Prue and Piper go outside. Leo looks at the Doctor, who's in shock.) [Cut outside. Prue and Piper are running down the street.] Piper: Maybe Phoebe hurt him worse than we thought. Prue: No, he's gotta be around here somewhere, he wouldn't leave without getting what he came for. Piper: Do you really think he'd attack us in broad day light? Evil is usually more insidious than that. (They stop.) Prue: Ah, okay, shh. Piper: What? (The tornado comes up behind them. They turn around and gasp. The tornado dies down and Shax appears. He throws an energy ball at them, and Prue deflects it back with her power. It hits him but doesn't harm him.) Blow this! (Piper holds out her hands and blows up Shax. He disappears.) Okay, is he dead? Prue: Well, we didn't really say the spell. Piper: Well, maybe we won't have to. We don't always. We're lucky nobody saw us. Prue: Alright, let's just get back to Phoebe. Come on. (They walk back towards the manor.) [Cut to down the street. A female reporter and a camera man are watching Prue and Piper. She turns back to the camera.] Reporter: Back to me, back to me, back to me. (The camera man points his camera at her.) Okay, um, I'm not exactly sure what just happened, but whatever it was, you saw it here... live. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Prue, Phoebe and the Doctor are sitting on the cane chairs. Piper walks in holding a glass of water, and hands it to the Doctor.] Doctor: Thank you. (He takes a sip.) Phoebe: Now you understand why you have to keep this a secret? Why you can't tell anyone about us, about what you saw today. Prue: If others knew, we wouldn't be able to do what we do anymore. We wouldn't be able to help future innocents like we helped you. Doctor: No, I understand. I mean, I don't understand everything. Demons, witches, the Source. So much for being an atheist. Your secret is safe with me. Phoebe: Thank you. Doctor: No, thank you. You saved my life, the least I can do is protect yours. Phoebe: Okay, I'll walk you to the door. (Phoebe and the Doctor stand up.) Prue: Bye. (They leave the room. Leo walks in.) Leo: How'd it go? Piper: We dodged another bullet. Prue: Yeah, with him maybe. Leo: What do you mean? Prue: I don't know, I mean, something still bothers me about the way that we vanquished Shax. Like, I'm not so sure we really did. Piper: What do you mean? He screamed, he went poof, just like they all do. Third demon in a row, by the way, that I vanquished with my new power, but who's counting? (Phoebe walks back in.) Prue: Right, but if that's all that we needed, then why was there a vanquishing spell in the book? I mean, hasn't that always meant that our individual powers weren't enough? Leo: Except the book was written by witches with less powers than you guys have. They needed the spells. Phoebe: Plus, I think if he was still alive, he probably would've attacked us again by now. Prue: Ah, you know, Leo, can you just check to make sure, please? With the Elders? Leo: No problem. (Leo orbs out.) Piper: If you ask me, I think you're being paranoid. We kicked Shax's ass. We bad. Prue: Yes, you're probably right. Phoebe: Then I'm hoping you won't need me around here for a while. I wanna try a new potion on Cole. One that'll reverse the spell that turned him bad in the first place. Piper: Phoebe... Phoebe: I'm not looking for your approval, Piper, just your support. Prue: Well, Phoebe, it's sort of hard to give you support when you're just setting yourself up to get hurt again. Phoebe: Cole is good inside, I know it. And if dark magic did this to him, then how come white magic can't save him? I can't just turn my back, I have to try. Piper: What do you want us to do? Phoebe: I want you to use the magic to magic spell to send me down there. I reworded it to make it work. (Phoebe hands Piper a piece of paper.) Piper: Uh, Phoebe, that's awfully dangerous. If something goes wrong we won't be able to contact each other. Phoebe: I'll be safe, I'll be with Cole. And he'll bring me back, so don't worry about that. Prue: You're banking a lot on that little potion of yours, you know. Phoebe: No, I'm not. I'm banking on Cole. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cave in the underworld. Cole is sleeping on some straw. He is wearing a black robe. Phoebe appears. She crouches down beside him and strokes his hair.] Phoebe: Cole, wake up. (Cole wakes up.) Cole: Phoebe. (He gets up.) What are you doing here? Phoebe: I came to bring you back. (He grabs her around the neck.) Cole: You just made a huge mistake. [Scene: News studio. The cameraman walks in a room full of people and hands a video tape to Elana, the news reporter.] Dave: Hey, pipe down everybody. Quiet! Close that damn door! (The cameraman closes the door.) Now, what we talk about in this room stays in this room until I say otherwise, alright? (to Elana) Go ahead. (Elana turns on the TV and plays the tape.) Elana: (on TV) Seismologists believe that this quiet neighbourhood is actually sitting on top of fault lines. (Elana and the cameraman hear a noise and the cameraman points the camera at Prue and Piper vanquishing Shax.) Cameraman: What the hell? Elana: Oh my god. Back to me, back to me. (Elana turns off the TV. The silent room turns into quiet murmurs.) Dave: Has this hit the network feed yet? News Director: No, but if we don't send it, some idiot out there who taped it will. Man: Which means we won't be able to control the revenues. Dave: Hold it. We don't even know what the hell it is we've got here yet. Can we just start with that, please? Elana? Elana: I don't know. I mean, you saw it. What else could it be other than something... supernatural? News Director: Oh, come on, give me a break. Could've been anything. Some kind of military deal, publicity stunt. Cameraman: Right, publicity stunt. For what? NASA? Elana: Yeah, besides, why would they pull a stunt? They didn't even know we were there. News Director: You don't know that. Maybe they only pretended not to know. For all we know, this is just a hoax. Dave: Yep, and if it is and we send it out before we authenticate it, we're gonna look like fools. Elana: We can't put the genie back in the bottle, Dave. 200,000 viewers saw it live. What do you wanna do? (He thinks for a moment.) Dave: Go find out who these women are, fast. But be careful, okay? They may not want to be found. (Elana smiles, and she and the cameraman leave the room.) [Scene: Outside the manor. Prue and Piper are on the sidewalk. Prue is crouching down looking at the ground.] Piper: What did you expect to find? (Prue stands up.) Prue: I don't know, something though. Piper: Well, demons don't usually leave footprints, remember? Prue: No, but sometimes they leave a residue when they've been vanquished. Something otherwise innocuous. Look, I just don't understand how we could vanquish such a powerful demon without a spell. Piper: But frankly I'm more worried about Phoebe than Shax. We shouldn't have let her go. Prue: Phoebe can take care of herself, Dr. Griffiths can't. (They start walking up the street.) Look, Piper, I've had a bad feeling about this. I've had one all day. If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a witch, is to trust those feelings. (They walk past a little girl standing in front of her house.) Piper: Hi. (The little girl's mother goes up to her and quickly pulls her inside.) Mother: Come on, sweetie, stay away from them. (Piper looks back at them.) Prue: Hey. [Scene: Police station. Darryl brings in a handcuffed man and takes him over to a chair.] Darryl: Sit. (The man sits down. The captain approaches Darryl.) Captain: Morris. Darryl: Captain? Captain: Looks like all those freaky rumours about you and the Halliwells might not have been rumours after all. Darryl: What do you mean? (Captain looks at the TV and so does Darryl. He sees the footage of Prue and Piper vanquishing Shax.) Oh, no. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. The TV is on. Piper is there. Prue walks in. She's on the phone.] Prue: No, I understand. How long will he be in there? Okay, just have Dr. Griffiths call me as soon as possible. Alright, thanks. Bye. (She hangs up.) Okay, well, at least Griffiths is in surgery, for now. No way Shax will attack him in there. Piper: Okay, but what do we do then? We can't protect him indefinitely. Prue: Well, if I'm right we won't have to. I mean, Shax will attack sooner rather than later. We should go. Piper: No, we should wait, for Leo. To see what he found out, especially with Phoebe gone. I mean, what if we need the power of three? (The phone rings.) Prue: Oh, maybe that's Griffiths. (Prue picks up the phone.) Hello? No, Darryl, just wait, slow down, okay. What? [Cut to Darryl at the police station.] Darryl: Have you seen the TV yet today? It's all over it. Prue: What's all over it, Darryl? Darryl: Just turn on the TV, okay? [Cut back to the manor.] Darryl: I told the captain I would handle it. (Prue and Piper look at the TV in the kitchen. It's showing the footage of Prue and Piper vanquishing Shax.) Piper: Oh my god! Darryl: (on phone) Prue? Prue? (The footage changes to Elana and her cameraman in a car.) Elana: (on TV) Here we are approaching the home of where they allegedly live. Prue: Oh! (She drops the phone and covers her mouth in shock.) (Elana is now standing in front of the manor.) Elana: (on TV) Prue, Piper and Phoebe Halliwell. And you're gonna meet them live right here on KCSF. Piper: What are we gonna do? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the manor. Dozens of cameramen, reporters, etc. are standing on the sidewalk. Two vans are parked on the street. Darryl pulls up in his car and gets out. Reporters race over to him.] Reporter #1: Have you come to arrest them? Do you consider them dangerous? Darryl: No comment. (He heads for the stairs and the reporters follow.) I said no comment. (Darryl walks up the stairs where Elana and a woman named Alice are.) Alice: Hey, hey, I can help. I know who they are, I know what they are. They're witches just like me. Just like I am. (Darryl approaches the door.) Darryl: Yeah, Prue, I'm at the door, open it up. Elana: Would you like to make a statement? (Prue opens the door.) Darryl: I said no comment. Elana: Miss Halliwell... Prue: Back off! (Darryl goes inside and Prue shuts the door.) [Cut to inside. Piper walks in the foyer.] Piper: Isn't that illegal? Can't you do something about that? Darryl: Hey, killing somebody on live TV is pretty illegal too, you know. Prue: Okay, it wasn't somebody, Darryl, it was a demon. And we're pretty sure we didn't kill him anyway. Darryl: Do you wanna try telling them that? Prue: Ugh... Darryl: Look, I've called for backup, but that's not gonna help for long. This thing's gonna get ugly fast. Piper: We shouldn't have followed Shax into the street. Prue: We didn't have a choice, Piper. Piper: Didn't we? Prue: Sure, we could've let him kill our innocent. That would've been better, you think? Alright, you know what? Let's not let this thing get between us, okay? We have enough problems as it is, please. Darryl: More than you know. The captain wants me to bring you in for questioning. Prue: Right, Darryl, and what do we tell him? The truth? Darryl: What are you gonna tell them? (the people outside) (Darryl's cell phone rings.) Captain? (He walks in another room.) Prue: You know, maybe when Phoebe's done saving Cole, she can come back and save us. (Leo orbs in.) Piper: Hello, Leo, nice of you to orb in. Where have you been? Leo: Trying to figure out how to get you out of this mess. It's pretty big news up there. Prue: Well, in case you hadn't noticed, it's pretty big news down here too. Any suggestions? Leo: No, we're still working on it. Piper: Oh, well, by all means, tell them to take their time. Leo: Well, they're not the ones that screwed up. Piper: Excuse me, screwed up? We've been busting our wiccan butts for three years without getting caught. Don't we get credit for that? Leo: Piper, you've been exposed. If we can't fix this it could undermine all the good that you've done and all the good that you're still destined to do. Piper: Well, maybe this is our destiny, maybe it's just not meant to be. Leo: You don't believe that. Piper: Don't I? Prue: I don't. I mean, look, this whole year has just been a series of tests, right? To see what we're made of. Well, maybe this is one more test. Which means we can't give up, alright? So while the Elders are figuring out what we're supposed to do, we still have work to do, okay? Piper: Dr. Griffiths? Prue: Yeah, if we don't catch him before he gets out of surgery, Shax will. (to Leo) Unless you know something we don't? Leo: No, you're right, your powers aren't enough to vanquish him. You'll need the three of you to say the spell. Prue: Yeah, well, we only have two of us. Don't ask, just orb us to the hospital, okay? Leo: I can't. The Elders won't let me. They don't wanna risk exposing Whitelighters too. (Darryl comes back in.) Piper: Cowards! Prue: Fine, we'll just save him without your guys help. Let's go. Darryl: Whoa, Prue, Prue. Even if you can save your innocent, that still doesn't save yourselves. Prue: Yeah, I know that, Darryl, but first things first, alright? Try and buy us as much time as possible with your captain as you can. (to Leo) And you, why don't you get back up there and White light a fire underneath your bosses butts. (Prue and Piper head for the back door.) [Cut to outside. Elana is talking into the camera her cameraman is holding.] Elana: Whether or not any arrests have been made at this time... (Alice sees Prue and Piper coming down the driveway.) Alice: Hey! I need to talk to you. (Prue and Piper run to Prue's car and quickly get in. Elana races over to them.) Elana: Miss Halliwell... Alice: Don't leave, don't leave. Elana: Miss Halliwell. (Alice jumps up and down waving her arms.) Alice: Please take me! (They drive off.) Come on, please, take me with you. Oh, man. [Scene: Cave in the underworld. Phoebe and Cole are there. Phoebe kicks Cole and he falls onto some straw.] Cole: You're not an easy girl to dump. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I didn't risk everything to come down here and not get what I came for. (Cole sits up.) Cole: Well, you can't have me. Not anymore. Phoebe: I can if I reverse the spell that took you away from me. Cole: We've already had this conversation, Phoebe. Even if you could reverse it, it doesn't change the fact that I... Phoebe: That you killed a witch. Yeah, I know, Cole, but you didn't do it willingly and that's the difference. (He stands up.) That's what gives you a second chance, that's what gives us a second chance. (Cole grabs Phoebe around the neck.) Cole: I already had a second chance and I blew it. Now, this is your last chance, understand? No more games. Go home. You can't save me. (Phoebe reaches in her bag and pulls out the potion. She smashes the vile on his back.) Phoebe: You wanna bet? (Cole staggers back.) Pretty cool potion, huh? (Cole reaches out towards her as if to grab her, but then pulls her in and kisses her passionately.) Let's get out of here. Cole: Where? Phoebe: What do you mean where? Home. Back to my place. Cole: You really think they're just gonna let me go? They're not gonna come looking for me again? Phoebe: We'll fight 'em off. Cole: For how long indefinitely? Phoebe, we tried it up there, it doesn't work for us. Phoebe: So where does that leave us? Cole: Right where we are. [Scene: San Francisco Memorial Hospital. Dr. Griffiths comes out of a room and throws a surgeon cap in a hamper. He walks over to the reception desk and the receptionist hands him the phone.] Dr. Griffiths: Dr. Griffiths. (Prue and Piper race up to him.) Prue: Hi! (Prue takes the phone off of him.) Piper: He's still after you, come on. Prue: Lets go. (They pull him away from the desk.) [Cut to outside. Prue, Piper and Dr. Griffiths leave the hospital and head for Prue's car.] Dr. Griffiths: I thought you said you got rid of this thing. Prue: Yeah, well, we don't think that anymore, okay? Dr. Griffiths: Where are we going? Prue: Just somewhere safe. Dr. Griffiths: Look, I'm not cut out... Prue: Get in the car. (They get in Prue's car. Elana and her cameraman pull up near by. A strong wind pushes Dr. Griffiths out of the car and falls on the grass. A woman screams. The wind turns into Shax. Prue and Piper get out of the car. The news crew look on.) Prue/Piper: "Evil wind that blows, that which forms below, no longer may you swell, death takes you with this spell." (Shax blows up and disappears. The people watching gasp and let out little screams.) Piper: Now that was a vanquish. (The people clap and cheer. Prue and Piper look around and notice Elana and her cameraman filming them. Elana has a big grin on her face.) Prue: Uh-oh. Piper: Oh. News at eleven. Prue: Oh, that's bad. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the manor. There are now hundreds of people standing outside, holding cardboard signs. There are dozens of cameramen and news reporters. A helicopter flies above. Police are trying to get the crowd under control. Alice is standing on top of a van.] Alice: (yelling) Prue, Piper, I'm one of you! I'm the only one who understands! I can help. Hey! Prue! Piper! [Cut to inside the manor. Kitchen. Prue and Piper are there. Piper is looking through sheets of paper. Darryl walks in.] Darryl: (on radio) Get those idiots off the driveway, get them back behind the tape. Prue: Alright, what I can't figure out is how they knew that we were at the hospital. I-I mean, they didn't follow us. Darryl: Reporter probably low jacked your car, followed you. Prue: Forget it. You know, I really hope Phoebe's doing better down there than we are up here. Piper: Look at all these interview requests we're getting. Ted Coppell, Time Magazine, Jerry Springer... Sports Illustrated? Darryl: Yeah, they probably want you for the swimsuit edition. (Prue and Piper give him a dirty look.) Just kidding. Prue: You know what? This is a nightmare. Where is Leo? (Prue sees Dr. Griffiths on the TV.) Uh, Piper? (Piper looks at the TV.) Is that who I think it is? (Prue turns on the volume.) Dr. Griffiths: (on TV) And then one of them said they needed a vanquishing spell. Piper: Dr. Griffiths? Dr. Griffiths: She ran upstairs to get some book. (Piper gasps.) I don't know, some witch-type book I guess. Something that told them how to kill that demon. Piper: Oh, so much for keeping our secret. Turn him off. (Prue changes the channel and a woman shows up.) Woman: (on TV) The sisters were always a little strange if you ask me. I know for a fact that Prue once cast a spell to make my boyfriend break up with me. Evil. Prue: Okay, Susie Johnson from tenth grade? They're interviewing her? Piper: I always wondered why they broke up. (Prue lightly hits Piper's arm.) Prue: Not funny, not funny. Ooh! Leo. (Prue and Piper walk into the conservatory.) Leo! Leo! Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Ooh. Alright, this thing has to end now, okay? The media is turning it into a freakin' circus. Leo: Now you know why the Elders have always been highly concerned about exposure. Piper: Okey-dokey, now we know. Do they have any solutions or not? Leo: One. But it's a long shot. You have to try and contact Tempus. (Prue and Piper exchange looks.) Prue: Uh, Tempus? T-Tempus, the demon? Leo: He's the only one on the other side who has the power to manipulate time. To reset everything before this all started. Prue: Okay, you're, you're definitely right, that-that qualifies as a long shot. Piper: We vanquished him. Leo: No, you defeated him, you didn't vanquish him. But that's not the real problem. The real trick is trying to contact him. He's an upper level demon who's well insulated. Piper: And why would he want to help us? I mean, we can't make a move without the whole world tuning in to watch. We're basically powerless. Why would he want to change that? (Suddenly, Alice bursts through the conservatory door.) Prue/Piper: Whoa! Alice: Cool, I made it! Piper: Who the hell are you? Alice: I'm Alice, Alice Hicks. I've been trying to contact you. I want to join your coven. Prue: Are you nuts? This is our home! Get out of here! (Prue uses her power on Alice and she flies outside.) Alice: Ow! (Darryl runs in wielding his gun.) Darryl: All you stay back, all you stay back! (Darryl stops, confused. Prue stares at him.) You guys okay? Prue: Yeah, we got it, Darryl. (to Leo) Alright, this has to end now or our lives are over! [Cut to outside. Alice is walking down the driveway. Elana sees her.] Elana: What happened? What did they do to you? Elderly Man: Did they think you were a demon? Elana: Did they think you were a joke? Alice: They're mean witches! (She wipes a tear off her face and walks away.) [Cut to inside.] Piper: Okay, so how do we contact Tempus? Prue: Through Cole. He's an upper level demon, isn't he? Piper: Why would he help us? Prue: Because helping us helps Phoebe. Are you allowed to orb down there? Leo: Yes, but I won't be able to find her until I'm down there. I can't track her from up here. Prue: Alright, well, then you'd better hurry. (Leo doesn't go.) Okay, what's the matter? Leo: Well, once I'm down there you won't be able to contact me if you get in any kind of trouble. Piper: Honey, what more trouble could we possibly get in to? Besides, once time resets itself then everything should be fine. So go, and be careful. Leo: Yeah, you too. (Leo and Piper kiss and he orbs out.) Piper: Okay, so what do you say? Oprah or Barbara? (Prue smiles.) Barbara makes you cry. We go with Oprah. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cave in the underworld. Phoebe's there. Cole walks in.] Cole: Phoebe? (She walks over to him.) I have to get you out of here. Phoebe: You mean get us out of here. Cole: Listen to me, this is serious. Something's happening, something big. I, it's too dangerous for you here. Phoebe: Why? What's happening? Cole: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's important enough for The Source to have come. Phoebe: What? He's here, now? (She looks around.) Cole: Which is why you have to go. (Leo orbs in.) Phoebe: Leo? Cole: Are you out of your mind? What are you doing? Leo: Trying to save my family. Prue and Piper have been exposed, Phoebe. The whole world knows you're witches. Phoebe: What? How? Leo: It doesn't matter how. What matters is getting them out of it, (to Cole) which requires your help. Cole: Come again? Leo: You have to get Tempus, you have to get him to reverse time. Cole: Ah, you've gotta be kidding. There's no way. Leo: It's the only way there is, Phoebe, but we have to move fast. Cole: A-a-I couldn't summon Tempus even if I wanted to, I don't have that kind of power. Phoebe: But you know somebody who does. Cole: Wait, (he laughs) you want me to ask The Source to help witches? Leo: It doesn't just help witches. The demonic world has been exposed too, Cole, why do you think he's here? Resetting time solves everybody's problem. But make it your idea, pitch it like you're doing it to save him, not them. Whether that's why you're doing it or not. (Silence.) Cole: This is suicide. [Time lapse. Cole walks into another cave. A demon guard steps in front of him. They stare at each other for a moment, then the guard steps aside. Cole pulls the hood from his robe over his head and continues walking. He stops when he reaches a dark place with a reddish glow. The Source is standing near by. He is wearing a red robe with a red hood covering his head. You can't see his face. He has large feathery wings attached to his back, and is wielding a sword. Flames shoot up in front of him as Cole enters. Cole kneels down and removes his hood.] Cole: I've heard the rumours, I beg you, are they true? Have we been exposed? The Source: And what business is it of yours? Cole: I may have a solution. Tempus's power. The Source: And still weakened from when he last turned back time. Doing so again will destroy him. Cole: What other choice is there? (Silence) Forgive me. The Source: For your betrayal? Never. (He rests the tip of his sword on Cole's shoulder.) I know of your struggles, Belthazor, of your witch. I know that's why you've come to me. I know everything about you. Tempus will do as you suggest if your witch crosses over, if your witch joins us. Cole: She'd never do that. The Source: Not even to save one of her sisters lives? Cole: Has one of them been killed? The Source: Wait. [Scene: Manor. Everyone is still outside, yelling and holding up cardboard signs. Prue and Piper are in the conservatory placing a table against the door.] Piper: I don't know why we're bothering to do this. Prue: In case time doesn't reset itself. (Prue puts a chair against the door.) Piper: If time doesn't reset itself, this table against that door is not gonna help much. Prue: Yeah, well, then we better start thinking about what would, okay? Because if Leo doesn't succeed, we're gonna have to figure out what we're gonna do. (They walk into the living room.) Piper: We're gonna do talk shows and book signings and movie deals, (Prue picks up the Book of Shadows) and then taken by the CIA and dissected. Prue: Yeah, how can you be joking about this, Piper? Piper: Who's joking? Prue: Well, I'm not. Alright, I'm scared. And you should be too. Okay, our lives, Piper, everything that we've worked for could be completely destroyed with-with one stupid mistake. Our entire future , our entire destiny could be wiped out just like that. (Prue clicks her fingers and a gunshot goes off. Piper gasps.) What was that? (Piper looks down and sees blood on her shirt. Her hands are shaking.) Piper? Piper. (Prue drops the Book of Shadows and grabs Piper before she falls. Prue looks at her hand and it has Piper's blood on it.) Oh! [Cut to outside. Alice is standing on top of a van. She lowers a rifle.] Alice: I killed a wicked witch! The wicked witch is dead! I killed the wicked witch! (The policemen grab her and pull her off the van. They push her to the ground and handcuff her. Darryl takes her away.) [Cut back to inside the manor. Piper is laying on the floor trembling. Prue is holding her and has a towel pressed against Piper's wound.] Prue: I know, I know, it's okay. (She starts to cry.) Leo! Leo! Okay, we have to get you to the hospital. Come on. (Prue lifts Piper up.) [Cut to outside. Prue is helping Piper out to the car.] Prue: Leo! Elana: Miss Halliwell, please, what is going on? (Prue opens the door to her car and helps Piper onto the back seat.) Miss Halliwell, please. Prue: Leo! (Prue gets in the car and starts the engine. She drives to the end of the driveway but everyone is blocking her way out.) Move! (She honks the horn.) Elana: Miss Halliwell, what is going on? Prue: Move! (She continues to honk the horn. She gets back out of the car.) Move out of my way! I need to get her to the hospital, move! Move out of my way! (She gets frustrated.) What's wrong with you people? (She starts to get upset and very agitated.) Leo! (She gets furious and uses her power on Elana and her cameraman. Everyone starts running away and she uses her power on anyone in her way. They land on cars and hard on the ground. Prue gets back in her car, drives down the driveway and tears off down the street.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hospital. Piper is on a stretcher and four doctors are racing her to a room. Prue is running beside it.] Prue: Hang in there. Where's Dr. Griffiths? He should've been here by now. (Dr. Griffiths races up to them.) Dr. Griffiths: How'd this happen? Prue: Some idiot in front of our house. (They take her into a room.) Dr. Griffiths: What do we know? Doctor #1: Pulse seventy, weak. Dr. Griffiths: I need some numbers, people. Doctor #1: One, two, three, go. (They lift Piper onto a bed. Prue holds her hand.) Dr. Griffiths: Smaller entry wound, upper right back. Doctor #1: Larger exit wound, abdomen. (Dr. Griffiths listens to Piper's chest with a stethoscope.) Dr. Griffiths: Lungs failing. Start an I.V. --------- two units of O, stat. Nurse: Right away. Prue: Leo! Doctor #2: Get 40cc's of adrenalin. Nurse #2: Yes, sir. Piper: He can't hear you. Leo. Something must have gone wrong. Prue: Piper, don't you dare die on me. Piper: Prue, I'm cold. I-I-I can't feel my legs. Doctor #1: Pulse is dropping. Piper: Don't go. I love you. (The line on the heart monitor flattens out and Piper goes into full arrest.) Prue: Oh god. Dr. Griffiths: Full arrest. Paddles! (Two doctors bring over the paddle machine. Dr. Griffiths picks up the paddles.) Gel. (The nurse squirts some gel on a paddle and he rubs the two together. Prue stands back and cries.) Clear! (He uses the paddles on Piper but it doesn't work.) Recharge. Nurse: Recharging. Dr. Griffiths: Clear! (He uses them again but still does not work. He stands back from Piper. Prue cries harder. Dr. Griffiths looks at Prue.) I'm sorry. Prue: No! (She cries uncontrollably and puts her head on Piper. She then closes Piper's eyes.) Get out of here. Go! (The doctors leave the room. A SWAT member stands outside the room and looks in.) [Scene: Cave in the underworld. Phoebe and Leo are there discussing something very quietly. Cole walks in and Phoebe goes over to him.] Phoebe: Cole, where have you been? We've been worried. What's the matter? Cole: He knows. About you, about us. Phoebe: So, what does that mean? Cole: He's offering a deal. He'll get Tempus to reset time if you stay... here. Leo: What, down here? He's crazy. Cole: Hardly. Leo: Yeah, well, we're desperate but not that desperate. Phoebe: Why would he think that I would accept an offer like that? (Cole hesitates for a moment.) Cole: Because it's the only way to bring one of your sisters back to life. Phoebe: What? Leo: It's a trick, he's lying. Cole: No, it's not. [Cut back to the hospital. The SWAT team walks through the corridor.] [Cut to in the room where Prue and Piper are. Prue is still crying and is holding Piper's hand. She pulls some tubes off of Piper. A SWAT member walks in the room.] SWAT #1: Just keep your hands where I can see them and you won't get hurt. (Prue turns to him.) Easy. (Prue uses her power and he flies out of the room. Another SWAT member runs in. Prue kicks him and uses her power. Prue grabs a metal bar and pokes it through the handles of the door. She turns off the lights. Leo orbs in.) Prue: They killed her, Leo. (Leo looks at Piper.) They think we're the demons now. (Leo walks over to Piper and starts to cry.) Leo: Oh, god. How can this be happening? I don't understand. I'm so sorry. (He leans over and kisses Piper's forehead.) Prue: Can you make this right or not? (She pulls him up.) Go! (Leo orbs out. Prue goes back over to Piper.) Don't worry, he's gonna fix it. I promise, you're gonna be fine. [Cut back to the underworld. Leo orbs in, still crying.] Phoebe: Piper. (She hugs Leo tightly.) Leo: You don't have to do this. Phoebe: Yes I do. (She turns to Cole.) So, will resetting time affect us down here? Cole: No. Phoebe: Good. I only have one condition. You must warn Prue and Piper before the demonic hit man attacks. Otherwise they're dead anyway. [Time lapse. Cole is kneeling in front of The Source.] The Source: Agreed. (Cole stands up, bows and walks away. A guard walks in and kneels in front of The Source.) Once I have reset time, detain him. And then kill his witch. That way I won't have to worry about Belthazor anymore. Or the Charmed Ones. (The guard walks away.) [Cut back to the hospital. Prue has covered Piper over with a blanket. A SWAT member outside has a gun pointed at the room.] [Cut to The Source.] The Source: It shall be done. (A crack of thunder is heard.) [Cut to the hospital. The SWAT member fires his gun and the bullet goes straight through the wall, heading for Prue. It stops in mid-air and reverses. The whole day resets and Prue and Piper are back in the manor before Shax attacks.] Prue: Look, I know that this all sounds incredible, but it doesn't make it any less true. Alright, you're a healer, you do good, now either you have saved too many lives or you're about to save a life that they don't want you to save. Dr. Griffiths: They? Prue: Yeah, demons. Uh, more specifically, Shax. He was The Source's assassin. Dr. Griffiths: Hold it, I get it. This is a practical joke, right? Do you have a hidden camera here? My second wife put you up to this? Ah, it's just like her. (He laughs.) Prue: O-o-okay, Dr. Griffiths, listen to me, this is anything but... (She stops.) Piper: What? Prue: I don't know, I just felt a chill. Phoebe? (No answer.) Phoebe, are you there? (A tornado of wind twists through the front door.) Phoebe, where are you? (The tornado knocks Prue and Piper to the floor. A clap of thunder is heard, the tornado calms down and Shax appears.) Dr. Griffiths: Dear god. Prue: No! (Prue gets up off the floor and pushes Dr. Griffiths out of the way. Shax throws an energy ball at Prue and she literally crashes straight through a wall. Piper gets up and Shax throws an energy ball at Piper, sending her crashing through a wall. Shax turns to Dr. Griffiths.) Dr. Griffiths: What are you? Shax: The end. (He throws an energy ball at Dr. Griffiths and he crashes through a window. Shax looks around. He looks at Prue and Piper unconscious on the floor. Pleased with what he's done, Shax turns back into the wind and flies out the front door. The glass on the door smashes as it slams shut.)

Prue and Piper bring a doctor to the manor, to protect him from a powerful demonic assassin named Shax, who was sent by The Source. When Shax breaks into the manor, he throws Prue and Piper through a wall, causing them to almost die, until Leo arrives with enough time to heal them. Phoebe uses a vanquishing spell on Shax but it does not kill him. While searching for Shax out in the streets, Prue and Piper are caught on live television using their powers, thus exposing themselves as witches. Phoebe goes to the Underworld to find Cole and while there, they are forced to strike a deal with Tempus to travel back in time to before it was revealed that magic existed. They travel back successfully but Phoebe, Cole, and Leo are now trapped in the Underworld, leaving Prue and Piper lying unconscious on the floor from when Shax blasted them in his initial attack.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x09

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x09_0

OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW - SIDEWALK OUTSIDE DOOSE'S MARKET [Lorelai appears around the corner and prepares to enter the grocery store.] JACKSON: [loud whisper OS] Psst! Lorelai. LORELAI: Jackson. [She spots him hiding on the side of the building. He's curiously dressed in a thick coat and a concealing lumberjack hat - flaps arranged to hide his face. She is intrigued and approaches him.] JACKSON: [stage whisper] Shh. Just come here a second. I need you to get some stuff for me from Doose's. LORELAI: Jackson, what are you doing? JACKSON: [continues speaking quietly] Stop saying my name. Look, Sookie's got major food cravings, and I can't go in to "Leech Headquarters". They'll be all over me in two seconds flat. LORELAI: [sympathetic] Selectman job isn't getting any easier, huh? JACKSON: No, it's getting worse. Like last week -- Ann Benninghoff comes to me, right? She wants to put a sales cart outside the colonial museum selling revolutionary war books and "just a few arrowheads." Fine, but then Sally Lannigan hears about that, and she wants to sell her pine-needle sachets out in front of the gazebo. Fine, but then Kirk comes to me in an outrage because he's allergic to all pine-scented things, and how could I not know this? And pretty soon, I'm nothing but an empty suit of Jackson skin. LORELAI: Ew. Well, what do you need? [Jackson pulls a rumpled piece of paper from his coat pocket and unfolds it.] JACKSON: Oh, thanks. Uh...let's see here. Grapefruit juice, Milk Duds, bloody mary mix, extra-spicy turkey sausage -- this is all going in the same blender, by the way - LORELAI: Good Lordy. JACKSON: Chives -- I'm getting a stomachache just reading this list. LORELAI: Give it to me. I'll brave headquarters for you. JACKSON: Thank you, thank you, thank you. [Lorelai pauses and smiles expectantly.] JACKSON: [ Sighs ] Do not go where you're going. LORELAI: Well, what's one leech versus a swarm? JACKSON: [looks to the skies and whimpers] I have no sanctuary. LORELAI: The pothole on the road to the Dragonfly is getting worse. Kids are starting to swim in it. JACKSON: I'll put it on the list, along with everything else. LORELAI: Top of the list, please? [louder] Jackson! JACKSON: Don't. Shh. LORELAI: [feigned innocence] Was that too loud? Can't always tell. JACKSON: It's on top of the list. LORELAI: [grins] Be back in a flash. [She exits into the store as another pedestrian walks by. Paranoid, Jackson quickly turns away, tries to look casual.] CUT TO SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE - INTERIOR - FRONT DOOR [Jackson enters the house with Lorelai following, both laden with grocery bags.] JACKSON: Sookie, I'm home. LORELAI: I'm home, too! JACKSON: Were we followed? [peers around edge of curtain] LORELAI: I don't think so. Good thing we ditched that Audi in Marseilles. Now we just have to find that tracking device. [hears crying from next room] Sookie, honey, what's wrong? SOOKIE: [ Crying ] I just -- it's just -- it's just so sad. [Jackson and Lorelai join Sookie in the living room] LORELAI: Oh! People Magazine. Jackson, you know we don't allow soft human-interest stories around Sookie when she's pregnant. JACKSON: She must have snuck it in. SOOKIE: [whimpering] I feel like they were perfect for each other, you know? LORELAI: [sympathetic] Uh-huh. Who, honey? SOOKIE: [hiccupping stutters] The two of them. I mean, with the hair and the teeth and the -- you know? LORELAI: Who's got hair and teeth? SOOKIE: And then the Divine Brown thing happens, and bammo -- their love's in the toilet. LORELAI: We're talking Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant? JACKSON: She must have found an old one somewhere. LORELAI: [encouragingly] That was years ago, Sookie. JACKSON: Tons of people have broken up since then. SOOKIE: [horrified] and Oh, my God! LORELAI: No, no, it's okay. Everyone's together and happy. Dispose, please. JACKSON: Gladly. [exits with the magazine] SOOKIE: Oh, is that my food? LORELAI: Yes, yes, look. We got, uh, turkey sausage -- extra-spicy like you wanted. SOOKIE: Yuk. LORELAI: And grapefruit juice. SOOKIE: Ugh. LORELAI: Rappini. SOOKIE: Ugh. Puke. LORELAI: You're not craving things anymore, are you? SOOKIE: I'm sorry. LORELAI: No. [Jackson returns to join his wife - sits on the arm of the sofa to comfort her] SOOKIE: Oh, I mean, I'm so friggin impossible. You're so good to me, and you go to all this trouble, and you get me everything I want, then I don't want it anymore. [Lorelai smiles warmly at her friend] I'm sorry that you have to be in love with a crazy person. JACKSON: Come here. [Sookie leans into his embrace] I'll tell you what -- I'll deal with as much moodiness and food weirdness as you can dish out as long as you do the actual "squeezing a human being out of your body" part. SOOKIE: [chuckles] Deal. [Jackson's gaze wanders out the front window. He stands suddenly, causing Sookie to grunt as she leans into nothing. ] JACKSON: Okay. That car just slowed down as it went past the house. LORELAI: Jackson, why don't you get away from the window and go relax or something? JACKSON: Oh, I shouldn't be near a window. SOOKIE: Why don't you take it easy, sweetie, and go check on Davey? JACKSON: All right, but if anyone calls for me, I'm not here... and I'm armed and dangerous. [exits again] LORELAI: [warm tone] He lo-o-o-ves you. SOOKIE: Then he's certifiable... because I'm certifiable, and you have to be certifiable to put up with that. LORELAI: Hey, you're pregnant. You're not supposed to be normal. [stands and walks to the kitchen to put away groceries] SOOKIE: [Chuckles] I guess so. And it may be mean, but when I worry too much about how I'm treating Jackson, I just remember Brandy. [Sookie stands and follows Lorelai to the kitchen and sits at the table] LORELAI: Brandy? SOOKIE: Christopher's Brandy. LORELAI: Christopher's Sherry? SOOKIE: Oh. [Chuckles] I knew it was something like that. Anyway, I'm handling this all better than her. How is he, anyway? LORELAI: Christopher? Fine. [pause] Wow, you know what? I have no idea. He never called me again. SOOKIE: Really? [Lorelai joins Sookie seated at the table] LORELAI: Not once since I went over there. I assume he's doing fine, but I don't know. SOOKIE: He never called? All those problems with the baby were solved in one night? LORELAI: Kind of weird, isn't it? SOOKIE: A little. LORELAI: You never know with him. He's as unpredictable as a pregnant woman. No offense. SOOKIE: [Chuckles] None taken. LORELAI: I hope he and G.G. are okay. The last time I was over there, he was duct-taping her diapers, but... I'm sure he's found the tabby thingies by now. Yeah, I'm sure he's okay. SOOKIE: Milk chocolate and artichoke hearts. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: That's what I want, and I'm not going to change my mind. Milk chocolate and... bell peppers! [excitedly hops to her feet] LORELAI: Ah. SOOKIE: Now I'm not going to change my mind. Jackson, I figured it out! Milk -- dark chocolate. Ooh, taffy! Taffy and walnuts. [Gasps] Taffy -- OOH, pistachios! Ooh, hearts of palm! [ she walks out of the room ] CUT TO RORY'S YALE DORM - COMMON ROOM [Rory seated on sofa, reading a newspaper. Paris paces nervously, then leans over Rory's shoulder] RORY: Paris, please don't compare our reading speeds again. You're fast, I'm slow. Enjoy your trophy. PARIS: I need the exact time of today's sunset. RORY: I'm in the middle of an article. PARIS: Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be. [Rory turns the newspaper page] RORY: Okay, the time of today's sunset is 4:31. PARIS: Okay. Then I just have to keep my mind occupied until 4:31. RORY: Paris. PARIS: What? RORY: Tell me again why you're fasting for Ramadan. PARIS: Look, Rory, if you want to crib your articles from the A.P. Wire, that's your business. I, on the other hand, actually give a rat's ass about journalistic integrity. When I write about Ramadan, I experience Ramadan. Are you chewing gum? RORY: What? Yes. Why? PARIS: I'd really prefer it if you didn't chew it at me. RORY: Paris, did you know that not eating can make people kind of snippy? PARIS: Ramadan is about a lot more than just not eating. It calls for a total abstinence from food particles passing through the mouth or nose. Your bazooka is passing through my nose. [ Knock on door ] RORY: It's unlocked. [Marty walks in carrying a paper sack] Hey, Marty. MARTY: So, I just bartended this crazy brunch with chocolate fountains and floating ice sculptures, and I snagged us all kinds of hors d'oeuvres. [indicating the two bags he's carrying] PARIS: [sarcasm] Oh, nice going, bucko. MARTY: [eyes Paris timidly] Okay, so, she didn't really mean "nice going," right? 'Cause there's sort of a devil-eye thing going on. RORY: She's fasting. PARIS: People came to America to escape religious persecution. [Cell phone rings - Rory stands and retrieves her cell phone. Marty takes her vacant seat on the sofa.] MARTY: Well, what religion is anti-leftovers? [eyes Paris warily] RORY: Hello. LORELAI: Hi. Guess where I am? RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Go on, guess. RORY: Oh, I don't know, Luke's? CUT TO STARS HOLLOW - LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai is standing behind Luke's counter as employees bustle around her.] LORELAI: But not just at Luke's -- on the phone at Luke's, and it's all perfectly legal because I'm on the diner's phone. RORY: A loophole. Nice. LORELAI: You got to love a loophole. [The scene switches between the diner and Rory's dorm] RORY: Getting to use Luke's behind-the-counter phone, that's like getting to wear his letterman jacket. LORELAI: I know. Maybe now he'll ask me to the sock hop. RORY: I'm glad you guys are all loopholey and sock-hoppy. It's nice. LORELAI: Yeah. Well, um, I just called to, you know, uh, brag about my loophole and check on plans for Friday night dinner. [Luke emerges from the back storeroom carrying supplies and shouts. ] LUKE: Hey! LORELAI: Hon, hold on a sec. [Luke walks up] LUKE: What are you doing back here? RORY: You didn't have permission to be behind the counter, did you? LORELAI: You don't need permission if you're the girlfriend. LUKE: [lectures] A sack of potatoes falls on your head, the insurance company doesn't care if you're the girlfriend. LORELAI: Well, you're storing potatoes in a very weird place if you're worried about them falling on people's heads. LUKE: [scolds and shoo's] Go. Go. Get. LORELAI: Okay, I'm getting. [She pulls the phone cord with her while walking around to the front of the counter returning to her stool. A semi-eaten bowl of pie and ice cream sits before her.] RORY: He's kicking you out? LORELAI: No. It's just my boyfriend's so protective of my safety, the thought of food falling on my head makes him crazy. So, anyway, what's better for you -- carpool or meet there? RORY: Meet's better, I guess. LORELAI: Okay, honey, I'll see you there. RORY: Oh, wait -- there's something I want to run by you. [At the dorm, Marty peeks inside one of his paper bags. Paris alternately fans the air and hits Marty with the newspaper] MARTY: Can't you just plug your nose or something? PARIS: Sure, ask a billion Muslims to plug their noses. That makes a lot of sense, Marty. [She continues to beat him with the paper until he closes the bag and leans back, defeated. Rory exits to her room.] CUT TO RORY'S DORM - BEDROOM [Rory enters and closes the door to avoid the noisy ruckus between Paris and Marty. Scene continues to switch between bedroom to Luke's Diner] RORY: Okay, so, I've got an idea. LORELAI: Finally this Yale thing's kicking in. RORY: I am sick of humoring Grandma and Grandpa during this stupid separation of theirs. This "drinks here, dinner there" is dumb. It's not working, and we should not do it anymore. LORELAI: Well, if you feel it is best to end the Friday night dinners, then as your mother, I feel it is my duty to support you. RORY: I'm not saying we should end Friday night dinners. LORELAI: Okay, well, then, as your mother, I feel it is my duty to tell you you're wrong. RORY: We need to take a stand. No more humoring. We need to get them in a room and talk some sense into them, and to do that, I think we should divide and conquer. So this Friday, I'll have dinner with one, and you'll have dinner with the other. LORELAI: Uh-huh. Hey, what happened to the idea of ending Friday night dinners? - Because I thought that one had real potential. [Loud muffled voices continue from the other room] RORY: This way, we can each talk to them one-on-one, break them down, convince them that their separation isn't okay with us. LORELAI: It's not? RORY: Mom, I know they both want to be with each other. LORELAI: Hon, my parents are very stubborn. I don't want you to get your hopes up about the outcome. RORY: But I can't stand it the way it is. I think they both miss each other, but they're just too proud, and it's just -- it's kind of breaking my heart. LORELAI: So...which one do you want me to take? RORY: How about I'll take grandpa, and you'll take grandma? LORELAI: Ahh, no! RORY: Okay, then I'll take grandma, and you take grandpa. LORELAI: Ahh, no! RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Can't I take the butler? He doesn't talk much, and as far as I can tell, thoroughly enjoys the way I dress. [Marty enters Rory's room and closes door behind him] MARTY: She's throwing things at me. Religious sanctuary, please. RORY: [to her mother] The butler is not an option. LORELAI: Fine, I'll take her. RORY: Thank you. Bye. [clicks off phone. Marty joins her on the edge of the bed. He hands her a paper bag.] Ooh. What's the bacon wrapped around? MARTY: Something bacon should never be wrapped around. RORY: Rich people. MARTY: They live very different lives. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai still sits at the counter. Luke walks up from the other side and clears away Lorelai's bowl and hands it to passing employee. He pulls out his usual tablet and pencil. He talks while he checks numbers.] LORELAI: Thanks. LUKE: So, that was Rory? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: How's she doing? LORELAI: Fine. LUKE: With the Dean thing and all, the breakup? LORELAI: She sounds okay. Actually, she's petite, but she's strong. LUKE: Good. I'm glad. LORELAI: Don't gloat. LUKE: I'm not gloating. LORELAI: Yes, you are. LUKE: I just said I'm glad she's okay. That's not gloating. LORELAI: It was your tone, like you were covering up for being gloaty by sounding extra non-gloaty. LUKE: Lorelai. LORELAI: You always hated him. I get it. LUKE: I never hated him. I just never thought he was right for Rory, and I swear, I'm not gloating. LORELAI: Well, I don't know. If it walks like a gloat and quacks like a gloat -- LUKE: I wasn't. LORELAI: I got to go. Kiss. [leans forward and Luke meets her half-way over the counter. They kiss] [T.J. enters the diner and walks up. He has a towel thrown over one shoulder.] T.J.: I stink. There's your headline. Keep your distance. LUKE: [to Lorelai] You better run. LORELAI: I'll call you later. [gathers her jacket and purse and stands] LUKE: If I don't strangle myself with the phone cord, I'll answer. [returns to his paperwork] LORELAI: Hi, T.J. T.J.: Three feet, Lorelai, 'cause I haven't showered in as many days. LORELAI: Uh-oh. Goodbye, T.J. [scoots around him carefully and exits] T.J.: [to Luke] I need your shower, buddy. [Luke doesn't look up] LUKE: Sorry. Broken. T.J.: Really? 'Cause you're looking powder fresh. LUKE: I am not powder fresh. T.J.: Come on, Luke, we got no water at our new place, and the flies, they are a-buzzing. [waves his hand] Man! LUKE: Fine, use my shower, T.J. [points to the direction of the stairs] T.J.: You're the best, you know that? I worship you. LUKE: Yeah, you should build an altar to me. You know, I know I shouldn't ask you this, but why isn't your water turned on? T.J.: 'Cause the pipes got trashed after I demo'd the upstairs bathroom. LUKE: You weren't going to demo the bathrooms. T.J.: But I had a little accident installing the towel rack, and the next thing you know, the whole bathroom's demo'd. LUKE: Because of the towel rack? T.J.: I got very angry at this towel rack. LUKE: Yes, that's very normal. T.J.: But I got some replacement pipe. I just got to cut it up into shorter pieces and stick it together, and we're good to go. LUKE: Okay, sounds like you know what you're doing. T.J.: I just need some kind of tool that cuts pipe. What would you call that? LUKE: [sarcastic] I don't know, a pipe cutter? T.J.: That's it! A pipe cutter! You know anyone who's got a pipe cutter? LUKE: I have a pipe cutter. Would you like to borrow it? T.J.: That cuts pipe, right? LUKE: Hey, T.J., Why don't you just hire a professional? T.J.: Because I'm trying to be responsible. What with the move and being in escrow and everything, I'm not exactly flush, so I figured I'd do it myself. [uses the "pity me" face] Is that so - wrong? LUKE: [fatalistic] I'll help you cut the pipe, T.J. T.J.: [mood immediately brightens] Oh, hey, that's beyond the call. You've got to be the best brother-in-law in the world. LUKE: Uh-huh. Thanks. Anything else? T.J.: You know, it's real hell trying to make coffee without water. LUKE: Have some coffee, T.J. [T.J. helps himself to a donut under the serving lid] T.J.: And a cruller to cut the bitterness 'cause sometimes -- no offense -- I find your coffee a little bitter. I mean, it's good. It's just a little bitter. CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - FRONT DESK [Lorelai is typing on the computer. Michel walks up as a guest departs.] MICHEL: We need to talk. LORELAI: Shoot. MICHEL: There's a couple here I thought I recognized, but I was not sure, so I consulted an old guest ledger from the Independence Inn and found a physical description that confirmed their identities. LORELAI: Physical description? MICHEL: Yes. I had described them with astonishing accuracy, down to the crooked eyes and unsightly moles. LORELAI: You have a system of describing what people's moles look like? MICHEL: Mm-hmm. Moles, freckles. What is their weight? Are they buxom? Is their chin cleft? Do they walk with any sort of limp? But this is beside the point. You remember the bathrobe bandits? LORELAI: [feigns a gasps then returns deadpan] No. MICHEL: The married couple from Massachusetts that stole bathrobes from the Independence Inn every time they came. We call them the bathrobe bandits. They are here. LORELAI: Did they bring their moles? MICHEL: With your permission, I'm going to remove their bathrobes from their room as a preventative measure. LORELAI: No, no, Michel, come on. If they steal robes, we just charge their credit card. MICHEL: And if they take a credenza or a couch -- do you think they'll stop at robes? LORELAI: Then I'll start jotting down mole locations along with you, but for now, let's take a flier on them. MICHEL: I should never tell you anything. LORELAI: Promise? MICHEL: I'm going to leave a vaguely threatening note in their room. [exits] LORELAI: No, no, no, Michel. No. [to his retreating form] [ Standing alone in the lobby, Lorelai looks thoughtful. She digs out her cell phone and calls a number. ] CUT TO CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT [ Chris sits at a desk looking over paperwork. Telephone rings. Chris stands and moves to answer the phone. ] CHRIS: Hello. LORELAI: [cheerily] Well, if it isn't Mr. Incommunicado. CHRIS: Lorelai. [scene switches between the Inn and Chris' apartment] LORELAI: I figured you'd turned Amish or something and couldn't make any calls until Rumspringa, but, no, here you are, answering the phone. CHRIS: [a bit uncomfortable] Uh, yeah. LORELAI: So, how are you? CHRIS: Uh, fine. LORELAI: Is this a bad time? CHRIS: No, not at all. Uh, so, what's going on? LORELAI: Not much. Just working at the old salt mine. But earlier, I was talking to Sookie who, by the way, got herself knocked up again, the crazy slut. So anyway, we were talking about babies and stuff, and she asked me about you and G.G., And that's when I realized I hadn't talked to you in a while, so here we are. CHRIS: Sorry I haven't called. I've just, you know, been really busy. LORELAI: Okay, well, no worries. I know you've got your plate full taking care of G.G. [pause] Um... are you sure this isn't a bad time? [chuckles nervously] CHRIS: No. No, it's fine. Uh, fine. LORELAI: Okay, so, how is G.G.? Is she still alive? The last time I was there, things were a little dicey. CHRIS: She's good. Everything's fine, Lor. Everything's good. Your help was great, and I'm absolutely... fine. LORELAI: Okay, well, good. So, I guess I'll talk to you later. CHRIS: [pauses between phrases] Sure. Definitely, okay? I'll talk to you later. Take care. [Lorelai is puzzled and a bit sad] LORELAI: Okay. Bye. CHRIS: Listen, Lor, I just want you to know that I only called you before because I was desperate. I mean, there was no other reason. I was just panicked, and I didn't think, you know? LORELAI: Chris, sure. CHRIS: I know that I shouldn't have bothered you. I know you have your own life and your own stuff and I shouldn't be bugging ya, but it was just a one-time thing, you know? So, you don't have to worry about it. LORELAI: Chris, come on. You can call me anytime you want. You know that. CHRIS: Yeah, well -- LORELAI: I'm always here for G.G., Whatever you need. Because we got bonds, baby. Just try to break 'em. CHRIS: Thanks, Lor. LORELAI: No problem. CHRIS: Anyhow, G.G.'s great. I've got new pictures, too. I can e-mail them to you, if you want. LORELAI: Or bring her around next time you're in the hood. CHRIS: Stars Hollow's a hood now? LORELAI: Oh, it's always been a hood. We just try to keep it on the down-low. But seriously, you should come by. CHRIS: Well, I'm going to be adjacent to the hood on Saturday because I'm taking G.G. to see her grandparents. LORELAI: Come by Saturday. CHRIS: Are you sure? I don't want to -- LORELAI: come by. We can have lunch here at the inn -- you, me, and G.G. That way, I can check she's still got all her arms and legs. CHRIS: All right, sure. Sounds good. Uh... Saturday it is. LORELAI: Okay. See you then. CHRIS: Yes, you will. LORELAI: Bye. [Beeps as she clicks off her phone.] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - RICHARD'S POOL HOUSE [Rory sits on the sofa as Richard fusses in the kitchen looking through all the cabinets. Classical music plays ] RORY: Grandpa, it's fine. RICHARD: No, it certainly is not fine. When you're entertaining an elegant young lady for dinner, then dinner is expected. RORY: But I just sprang this on you. You can't be held accountable for your lack of elegant-young-lady food. RICHARD: Well, I am delighted with your company, though I'm still a little confused at the new arrangement. RORY: Well, Mom and I realized that we don't really get to spend as much time with you and Grandma since the separation, so we decided to split up. RICHARD: Well, uh, how would you feel about, uh... ooh, some, uh, batteries and Nutella? [pulls them from the refrigerator shelf] RORY: Oh, rats. I had that for lunch. RICHARD: [puts items back and shuts door] Well, that seems to be all I have in here. Robert's shopping skills leave something to be desired. RORY: So, grandpa -- RICHARD: Wait! I think I have some canned peaches. [goes hunting in another cabinet] RORY: You've really made it comfortable out here. RICHARD: Huh. Pears. [Disappointed, Richard joins Rory and sips his drink] RORY: Nice. Like a vacation spot. You know, fun and all yours -- not permanent, but fun for now. RICHARD: Yes, well, fun for now is exactly what I was going for. RORY: So, it's not permanent? RICHARD: What? RORY: The pool house. It's not permanent. You just said "fun for now." RICHARD: Did I? I must have heard it somewhere. RORY: I mean, don't get me wrong. It's good to shake things up every now and then -- you know, put a little paint on the house, move the furniture around the den, go blond -- but after you've done all that, it can also be nice to go back to something that's comfortable, something you've depended on for, let's say, 40 years. I mean, if something's been around that long, it must be for a reason, right? RICHARD: You're a lovely girl. RORY: I have good genes. RICHARD: Oh! I think I remember seeing a frozen pizza in here. RORY: Really? RICHARD: Aha! Now... the downside of this discovery is that since Robert is currently doing all the shopping, this pizza could have been here since Lorelai's 10th birthday party. The upside, however, is that there is cheese in the crust. RORY: I've always been a "glass is half full" kind of gal myself. RICHARD: All righty, then. Here goes nothing. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - MAIN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai sits impatiently on the love seat while Emily fusses at the bartender cart.] EMILY: [mutters under her breath] Stupid little -- I can't find -- ridiculous. He should have taken... LORELAI: What, Mom? EMILY: Oh, nothing. I'm just trying to make a proper drink, that's all. LORELAI: Sorry about the change of plans. EMILY: Oh, please. I'm as flexible as the next person. LORELAI: See, Rory thought that since Dad's moved out to the pool house, we're not getting enough time with either of you, so -- EMILY: I guess I could use the ice in the freezer, though it's probably old. You know what they say - a little notice ensures fresh ice. LORELAI: I'm sorry, who says that? EMILY: We'll just have to have scotch neat. LORELAI: Super. EMILY: I'd offer you wine, but all the wine I have has to breathe. LORELAI: And that requires notice. EMILY: [ joins Lorelai on the loveseat. Lorelai stares.]. What are you looking at? LORELAI: Nothing. It's just -- isn't -- isn't this weird to you? EMILY: What? LORELAI: Sitting next to each other? EMILY: Would you like me to move? LORELAI: No, it's fine. It's just... close. EMILY: Will you explain to me again why we are doing this? LORELAI: I have no idea because you usually sit over there. EMILY: I'm talking about Rory being in the pool house, Lorelai. LORELAI: Rory just thought we should split up tonight, get in some quality... couch time. EMILY: It seems very silly. We had a perfectly good system worked out. I don't know why we changed it. LORELAI: Mmm. [pause as she sets down her drink] So, Mom, do you think you and Dad are getting back together? EMILY: Absolutely not. LORELAI: Okay, got any peanuts? EMILY: Your father has proven to me once and for all he's moved on with his life. LORELAI: You don't think the moving on with his life would have actually included moving? EMILY: No. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: We attended the Dorman School Bazaar last week. It was a big, formal gathering. All our friends were there. And at dinner, he made me reach for the butter. LORELAI: What? EMILY: It was sitting right there in front of him, and yet he didn't offer me the dish. He buttered his own roll, offered the dish to the man next to him, and that was it. LORELAI: And that's why you think he's moved on? EMILY: It was a total disregard for my needs. I might as well not have had a roll in front of me at all. LORELAI: Well, Mom, I'm sorry. EMILY: It's very upsetting. But at some point, you have to face the facts, and the facts are he's moved on, and therefore, I should move on also. [Lorelai reaches for her drink in salute] LORELAI: Absolutely. "Moveon-dot-Org." EMILY: I think it's time for me to date. LORELAI: [chokes on her drink] Oh, my God! EMILY: I want to go on a date. LORELAI: With... a man? EMILY: No, a weasel. Of course with a man! LORELAI: [tries to cover her ear with a free hand] I'm not hearing this. EMILY: Why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity. LORELAI: I need a paper towel and a valium, please. EMILY: There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past, have made their interests in me known. I just need to figure out how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available? LORELAI: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick. EMILY: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure. Now, take me through this step by step. You see a man, you walk up to him, and you say... LORELAI: Hello. EMILY: Is that too forward? LORELAI: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters. [Emily glowers] CUT TO OUTSIDE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - SOMETIME LATER [Rory stands waiting as Lorelai exits the front door. Both slowly walk toward their vehicles] RORY: Hey. My night was great. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: Grandpa made frozen pizza. Granted, he made it on a cedar plank, which was not what the manufacturer intended, but I got a chance to say a lot of things to him -- things about living in the pool house and about him and Grandma, and though I used veiled references, I know he got my point, and he is definitely thinking about it. How did you do? LORELAI: Grandma wants to date. RORY: What?! LORELAI: She wants to date men who hang out at the club and who have expressed interest in her in the past. RORY: What do you mean, she wants to date? You weren't supposed to make her want to date. You were supposed to make her want to get back together with Grandpa! LORELAI: Hey, I told you not to make me have dinner alone with her. RORY: What did you say to her? LORELAI: I said, "are you getting back with Dad?" And she said he wouldn't butter her roll. RORY: I can't believe you. LORELAI: I'm sorry. I tried. RORY: You did not try. LORELAI: I did try. I just sucked at it. Look, she probably didn't mean it, okay? She's just mad at Dad, and she was just talking. Next week we'll switch. You can have dinner with my mother, and I'll marry my dad off to a nice baroness. RORY: Don't joke. LORELAI: Don't hate me. RORY: I don't hate you. I can't hate the pathetic. LORELAI: Good. Now, I have a complaint to register. Because of your flawed plan, I was deprived of Friday night with my kid. RORY: I was trying to reunite your parents. LORELAI: Oh, sure. Now they're my parents. So anyway, I was thinking, if you're not busy tomorrow, how about you come meet me for lunch at the Dragonfly? RORY: What time? LORELAI: 1:00-ish? RORY: See you tomorrow. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: And stay away from Grandma. LORELAI: Ooh, gee, there's a demand. CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - NEXT DAY [Lorelai leads Christopher down the staircase] CHRIS: I like that it's got rooms. Very novel for an inn. LORELAI: Mmm, the guests love it when they don't have to sleep communally. They pay extra for it. CHRIS: Good squeaky stairs, helps sell the old-inn aspect. LORELAI: Actually, we had those squeaks installed. CHRIS: Squeakmasters? LORELAI: Oh, you've used them? CHRIS: Oh, several times. LORELAI: Reception's over there, living room's through here. Hey, you recognize the bobblehead dolls on the mantel? CHRIS: You put those out in public? LORELAI: Hey, they are a cherished part of my childhood. Plus, all the dirty pieces broke off 10 years ago, so now they're just charming. CHRIS: I like the jukebox. LORELAI: I thought you would. And here's where we feed them. CHRIS: You feed them, too? LORELAI: And once a day we let them use the bathroom or sit on the furniture. CHRIS: Classy joint. CUT TO DRAGONFLY DINING ROOM - SHORT TIME LATER [Lorelai and Chris are seated at a table. They both look through menus as a waiter deposits a basket of home-baked bread on the table] LORELAI: So, I'm thinking you should order the steak sandwich and the garlic bread or - [to waiter] thanks. Or fried chicken -- seriously good fried chicken. Or, yeah, get the pork chops 'cause normally, eating pork chops is very similar to sucking on the pottery barn catalog, but Sookie does this brining thing in a saltwater bourbon solution. Sounds a little like laundry, but it's actually unbelievably good. [notices Chris grinning at her] Hmm. What? CHRIS: Nothing. Just -- you did it. LORELAI: [confused] I... CHRIS: You did it. [waves a hand indicating the Inn] LORELAI: Yeah, I think I did. [leans forward onto the table becoming serious] CHRIS: How sappy is it going to sound if I say that I'm proud of you? LORELAI: Oh, my God. So sappy. CHRIS: Yeah, well, I am. LORELAI: Thanks, Chris. CHRIS: Yeah. Okay, so, I think you were trying to talk me into the pork chop. LORELAI: [Chuckles] Yes, I was. [Rory enters the dining room] RORY: Mom. Hey, I - [She recognizes her dad also seated at the table and comes to a halt. She thinly masks her disapproval.] LORELAI: Hey, surprise! Look what Mommy dragged in. CHRIS: Hey, Rory. RORY: Hey, Dad. LORELAI: [Chuckles] You haven't said hi to your sister yet. RORY: Oh, right. [walks around and kisses the baby's forehead] Hey, G.G. Remember me? I'm Rory. CHRIS: I show her your picture all the time. RORY: [mild enthusiasm] Great. Thanks. LORELAI: Your timing's perfect. I'm starved. Have a sit. Isn't this a nice surprise? [Uncomfortable, Rory sits and stares at her lap unwilling to meet her dad's eyes] RORY: Uh, very nice, yes. I like to see G.G. LORELAI: How are you doing there, uh, G.G.? That thumb tasting pretty good there? If you soak it in a saltwater bourbon solution overnight, you'll see a major improvement. [Rob, a bellboy, enters the dining room and approaches Lorelai] ROB: Uh, Lorelai, excuse me. There's an incident in the front you may want to check in on. LORELAI: Okay, Rob, thanks. I'll be right back. Don't say anything hilarious while I'm gone. [Lorelai exits] CHRIS: Rory -- RORY: One thing. I've only asked you for one thing ever. CHRIS: This wasn't my idea. RORY: Stop. CHRIS: Rory, I didn't call. After you asked me not to, I didn't. Your mother called me. [ Rory scoffs ] She called me because she hadn't heard from me in a while, and the reason that she hadn't heard from me in a while is because you asked me to stay away, and I did. Please stop shaking your head. RORY: I don't believe you. CHRIS: She called me, Rory. She called me. She asked me to lunch. RORY: You didn't have to accept. CHRIS: I had absolutely no good reason to say no. What was I supposed to do, tell her that you didn't want me to see her anymore? I didn't want to rat you out. I'm sorry. Look, I didn't even know you were going to be here. This is as much a surprise to me as it is to you. RORY: Oh I see. So, you didn't think I was going to be here, so, therefore, it makes it safe to come because maybe I wouldn't find out about it. CHRIS: No, Rory, no. That is not how it went down. You know what? I don't have to explain myself to you. I've done absolutely nothing wrong here. RORY: Fine. CHRIS: Look, I'm sorry you're upset, but you know what? Your mother and I have had a relationship long before you ever existed. We grew up together, we had a child together, and no matter what is going on, that does not change. [Their voices grow louder] RORY: Great. You knew her first. So that gives you the right to just waltz in and screw everything up? CHRIS: I did not waltz in. I did not call her. You cannot make me the bad guy here. RORY: Hey, if the black hat fits -- CHRIS: I'm your father, kid, okay? I think that demands a tiny bit of respect here. RORY: Fine. [Lorelai re-enters the dining room and sits back in her seat. She senses the tension.] LORELAI: See, this is why I love this job. Michel has been obsessed with these guests who he swears are the notorious Bathrobe Bandits from the Independence Inn -- at least the moles match - [both Rory and Chris listen silently] so apparently, they were checking out, and Michel stopped them and demanded they open their suitcases, and they refused, so he grabs the guy's suitcase and starts tearing through all of his stuff, which, of course, went over really well. And when I got there, the wife was calling the cops, and the husband was chasing Michel around with a golf club. It took a comped bill and two free bathrobes in addition to the ones they had stolen to get them to drop the charges. Plus, Michel ripped his pants, and his underwear is pink and shiny. [Silence. Chris smiles weakly. Lorelai chuckles nervously ] Did I not hit "pink and shiny" hard enough? Should it have been "his drawers are pink and shiny"? I'm confused 'cause I was going to hit the Orpheum circuit with that materi [Rory continues to silently look down without speaking] CHRIS: [uncomfortable] Nope. Uh, nothing. Look, Lor, I should be going. LORELAI: What? No, we didn't get our briny pork chops yet. CHRIS: I know. I just -- I really need to get to my parents' house, and G.G.'s going to need her nap soon. LORELAI: She can nap here. [Chris gathers the baby bag and picks up G.G. from the highchair] CHRIS: Oh, no, it's okay. The place looks great, really, and tell Sookie I said thanks from me, and bye, Rory. RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Chris. CHRIS: [OS] I'll call you later. [Lorelai watches as he exits] LORELAI: Okay, start connecting those dots. RORY: Did you call him and invite him to lunch? LORELAI: What? RORY: Did you call him and invite him to lunch? LORELAI: Yeah, I did. RORY: He didn't call you? LORELAI: No. RORY: He didn't initiate this? LORELAI: No. LORELAI: Rory, what is going on? [Rory looks stunned] Huh? Answer me. RORY: I went to see Dad. LORELAI: When, today? RORY: No, a while ago, right after Sherry left. I told him that I didn't want him to call you anymore. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Mom... come on. LORELAI: No "Mom, come on." Why? Why did you do that? RORY: I didn't want him to screw anything up between you and Luke. LORELAI: Oh, kid. You are so far off here. That is not going to happen. RORY: Every time he comes back, he ends up messing up your life. LORELAI: Not true. RORY: It's completely true. He wants you back, and then he disappears or Sherry gets pregnant or he loses his job or he just takes off -- whatever. No good reason necessary. And it's been like this forever, and you just let him do it. You can't help it. LORELAI: Rory, come on. RORY: You can't just break free of him. LORELAI: What are you talking about? RORY: You're engaged to Max, and then suddenly, you're not. LORELAI: Christopher had nothing to do with Max. RORY: Who was the person you were calling from your bachelorette party? LORELAI: I was drunk. I tried to call Abe Vigoda, too, if you remember. RORY: You're just always waiting for him to get himself together. LORELAI: No, no, hon. I'm not always waiting for him. There have been times when, yes, it would have been nice to actually be with the father of my kid, but... not now. I'm with Luke completely. RORY: What did he say when you told him? LORELAI: Told who what? RORY: Luke. What did he say when you told him you were having lunch with Dad? [Stunned, Lorelai exhales sharply, but recovers quickly.] LORELAI: Nothing. RORY: He didn't care? LORELAI: No, he didn't care. He didn't have to care 'cause there's nothing to care about. RORY: [somewhat unconvinced] If you say so. LORELAI: I appreciate you being concerned for me, but don't be. I'm good. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Let's order, shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK [Lorelai and Sookie are walking together.] LORELAI: She was so serious. You know how she gets really serious, like when she saw "The Way We Were," and she couldn't believe that Hubbell was going to leave Katie after she had the baby? SOOKIE: Oh, I remember. She talked about it for weeks. LORELAI: "How could he do that? She was the only one who cared about the blacklisting. She was the only one who thought he could write a novel." On and on and on. That's the face she had on today. SOOKIE: She's just worried about you. LORELAI: Then when she threw that "What did Luke say" thing at me. SOOKIE: She's got a good left hook. LORELAI: I lied to my kid, Sookie. I hate that I lied to her, but I didn't want her to think there was any weird reason why I didn't tell Luke. SOOKIE: Was there any weird reason that you didn't tell Luke? LORELAI: Sookie, come on. SOOKIE: I don't know. Maybe you were afraid that he'd get jealous. I'd be afraid that Jackson would get jealous. LORELAI: I was not afraid he'd get jealous. SOOKIE: He did beat up a car. LORELAI: One time. SOOKIE: That we know of. LORELAI: No, I didn't tell him because it was no big deal. [ Sighs ] I thought it was no big deal. I should have told him, right? SOOKIE: Well -- LORELAI: yeah, I should have told him. Now he's going to think I'm hiding something from him, and I'm not. Damn it. He's going to beat up my car. SOOKIE: [ Chuckles ] It's American. It can take it. [They arrive at Sookie's house - Jackson approaches them carrying a giant set of "stage scissors"] JACKSON: I came home from work, and I found these on the doorstep. What the hell is this supposed to mean? SOOKIE: Hon, maybe it's just a joke. JACKSON: No, this is not a joke. This is a threat. LORELAI: Yeah, those people at Butterick Patterns play pretty rough. JACKSON: This is the fish on the doorstep. It's the horse head in the bed. It's the "either your signature or your brains are going to be on the contract." SOOKIE: Jackson, calm down. JACKSON: I will not calm down! I told them I would not do any ribbon-cutting ceremonies. SOOKIE: Who's "them"? JACKSON: Them! The town. The lunatics who voted for me! SOOKIE: Okay, could you put the giant scissors down and then do the waving around? JACKSON: We have to move. Pack up. We're getting out. SOOKIE: Okay. Or you could just ask them at the next town meeting not to leave giant scissors on our porch anymore. JACKSON: Town meeting? Oh, no. No way. There will be no town meeting. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: There's going to be lots of upset people. LORELAI: The town meeting is a 200-year-old tradition. JACKSON: Tradition over! Only hell waits for me at town meetings. Spread the word. [stomps back into the house] LORELAI: That's sweet. He's having sympathy mood swings. SOOKIE: He loves me. [They both follow Jackson into the house] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai sits in front of an untouched plate of pie and cup of coffee. Luke bustles around the diner, pauses beside her. In a cheery mood, he leans close.] LUKE: How are you doing? You need coffee? LORELAI: No. [As he returns behind the counter, he's surprised at her answer. Lorelai shifts nervously.] LUKE: No? LORELAI: Sure. LUKE: Sure? LORELAI: Yes, coffee good. [He grabs the pot and checks her cup.] LUKE: Your cup's full. LORELAI: Oh, well, then, no. No. Coffee bad. [ Both chuckle. Luke begins wiping down the counter. ] LORELAI: Hey, did I tell you about the Bathrobe Bandits? LUKE: Nope. [He continues industriously wiping down the counter] LORELAI: Uh, well, very funny story. Back at the Independence Inn, there was this couple, and they would come in all the time and steal the bathrobes. They made Michel crazy, so today - LUKE: Up. [indicates her plate and coffee] LORELAI: [lifts the plate] Oh, right. And today, they showed up. [Luke wipes counter under her plate while holding her cup.] LUKE: Who? LORELAI: The bathrobe bandits - they showed up, and they stayed, and then they were checking out and then get this -- the bellboy comes running over and tells me to "come quick. There's a situation in the lobby." So I come running to the lobby -- LUKE: You can put your plate down. LORELAI: Right. So, I run to the lobby, and Michel is being chased, and the wife is calling the cops, and I comped their room and gave them free bathrobes to stop the yelling and the calling. This is a very bad story. LUKE: It wasn't that bad. LORELAI: This is the second time I told it, and both times, crickets. [ Sighs and takes a sip of coffee ] I mean, Rory and Christopher looked at me like I was Pauly Shore. LUKE: Christopher? LORELAI: Rory's dad. He came for lunch today. I had lunch with him today, and Rory. Had lunch -- Rory and Christopher and G.G., His daughter with Sherry. He brought her 'cause Sherry moved to France, so he's a full-time dad now, and we all had lunch, all of us together... today. And when I told the "Bathrobe Bandit" story, they all acted like that. Except G.G., who spit up 'cause she's a baby. That's what they do. LUKE: Okay. [turns and walks into the kitchen] LORELAI: [ Sighs with relief ] Okay. [ Cell phone rings and Lorelai clears her throat as she stands to walk outside to answer ] LORELAI: Hello. EMILY: [OS] You get over here right now! CUT TO EXTERIOR OF LUKE'S DINER LORELAI: Who is this? EMILY: [OS] This is you in 20 years! "Who is this?" I swear! LORELAI: Mom, calm down. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - EMILY'S DRESSING ROOM [Emily frantically rushes around the room in her satin robe and slip. She holds up a hangered dress to herself and looks in a full length cheval mirror.] EMILY: He'll be here in one hour, and I have no idea what to wear. You've got to come right now. [scene switches between locations] LORELAI: Who'll be there in one hour -- Dad? EMILY: Simon McLane. LORELAI: Who is Simon McLane? EMILY: He's my date. LORELAI: What?! EMILY: I have no idea what to put on, I'm in a blind panic, and it's all your fault! LORELAI: How is it my fault? EMILY: Because I used your line, and it worked. LORELAI: What line? EMILY: [OS] "Hello." LORELAI: "Hello" is not my line. "Hello" is not a line. "Hello" is hello. EMILY: Well, all I know is I "helloed" him today, and now he's taking me to dinner. LORELAI: [OS] Uh, Mom... EMILY: If you don't get over here right now, I'm going to book a D.A.R. function at the Dragonfly every single weekend from now until I die! LORELAI: I'll be right there. [ Beeps the phone off and hurries away ] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - EMILY'S DRESSING ROOM [Lorelai enters to a room with clothes and jewelry strewn everywhere] LORELAI: Mom? Are you -- [A bunched-up dress flies past her face onto a nearby bed] oh, God! Chanel attack. EMILY: [OS] Look at the red pantsuit. LORELAI: The... [looks around] [Emily enters carrying two outfits. ] EMILY: [frantically] The red pantsuit. The red pantsuit. Right there, right there, right there. [indicated with one of her laden arms] LORELAI: I got it, I got it. [picks up the outfit] Here. EMILY: Well? LORELAI: Nice. EMILY: Nice? LORELAI: It's nice and red and panty-suity. EMILY: It's horrible. He'll think it's horrible. LORELAI: No. EMILY: It's horrible. Simon will be here in 20 minutes, and I have nothing to wear. [tosses both garments she's carrying onto the bed] LORELAI: Just tell him you're obsessed with "Butterfield 8" and go like that. [Emily picks up another garment - dark colored - from the bed post and walks to the nearby dressing room door, picking up a second dark burgundy garment.] EMILY: I haven't done this in years. I have no idea what's appropriate to wear. I have no idea what's appropriate to say. I don't know what to talk about, what to order -- which one? LORELAI: [ Chuckles ] They look exactly the same. EMILY: They are not exactly the same. LORELAI: Um, okay. Then... that one. EMILY: Why? LORELAI: Why what? EMILY: [cross] Why did you pick that one? What was the logic behind your picking this particular one? Could it possibly be because it was closest? LORELAI: [smiles brightly] Well, you know what they say about location. EMILY: You're just picking anything so that I'll get dressed and you can leave. [Emily shoves both garments into Lorelai's arms and walks back toward the bed. She searches frantically through a jewelry box] LORELAI: No, Mom, I don't want to leave. I'm never leaving. In fact, I'm going with you. EMILY: I'll never be ready on time. [ Panting ] I haven't finished my hair. I haven't finished my makeup. Oh, my goodness. I can't breathe. I'm actually having trouble breathing. LORELAI: Mom, sit. EMILY: I can't sit. I'll wrinkle my clothes. LORELAI: You're not dressed yet. EMILY: What? Oh, my God. I'm losing my mind. [they both sit on the edge of the bed] I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm dating. I'm single. LORELAI: You're not single. EMILY: [despondent] That's just a formality. You know, I remember the night I got married. Oh, I was panicked. I thought, "this is it. I'll never have a chance to be with anyone else. This is it for life." If only I'd had a crystal ball, I might have been able to eat my salad. I remember it looked delicious. LORELAI: Mom, is this really what you want to do? [Emily looks back at Lorelai with a serious expression] EMILY: Yes, it is. LORELAI: Okay. [ Sighs ] Wear the black. [Lorelai holds out one of the gowns. Emily takes it gratefully] EMILY: Thank you. LORELAI: Mm-hmm. [And in mid-step toward the dressing room...] EMILY: What about the - LORELAI: [without hesitation] - the burgundy works fine, too. [They exchange outfits and Emily disappears into the dressing room while Lorelai smiles smugly.] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW STREETS - EVENING. [Jackson's vintage truck pulls around a corner as it drives down the street. Miss Patty waves her hands frantically from the sidewalk flagging down the truck.] MISS PATTY: Jackson! Jackson, stop! Oh, Jackson! [the truck stops. She approaches the window] Oh, thank God. I'm frantic! JACKSON: What's the matter? MISS PATTY: My accompanist just passed out. [pointing toward her studio] JACKSON: She what? MISS PATTY: She was playing the tarantella, and then suddenly, she stopped and fell off the stool. Come on! [pulls open his door] JACKSON: [concerned as he gets out] Well, is she breathing? MISS PATTY: I don't know. JACKSON: Did you -- did you check her pulse? MISS PATTY: No. What a good idea. Oh, you're such a smart man. [grabs his hand and pulls him toward the dark building] JACKSON: Well, thank you. MISS PATTY: A little faster, honey. The poor woman is just lying there. [Patty pulls aside the door and they enter the dark room] JACKSON: Well, maybe we should call 9-1-1. MISS PATTY: She's right over there in the corner. JACKSON: Why is it so dark in here? [The light switches on to reveal a room full of town's people. Indistinct conversation. Jackson quickly turns to the door. Kirk slides the door shut and bars the exit. Jackson swings around to face Miss Patty. She holds the gavel in front of him determinedly.] MISS PATTY: The town meeting is now in session. [Defeated, Jackson takes the gavel. He glances back to see Kirk making menacing gestures as if using giant scissors.] CUT TO OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF T.J.'S HOUSE - SAME NIGHT [A work bench is set up with tools, pipes and thermos and cups. Luke busies himself cutting a pipe on one side of the bench, while on the other T.J. waves a pipe-cutting tool at Luke.] T.J.: You know, we work pretty good together. LUKE: I guess. [T.J. pours himself a cup of coffee.] T.J.: No "guess." We do. We got, like, a rhythm, a groove thing. We can survive in the woods together, start a new civilization, if need be. LUKE: I think you'd need a woman for that. T.J.: Oh, right. Okay, maybe Liz could come, except we couldn't share her 'cause she's your sister, and that's a bad way to start a new civilization. LUKE: How about you and Liz go start a new civilization? I'll stay here in this one. T.J.: No, come on. We could solve this. Okay, Lorelai could come. And now her, we could share. LUKE: Okay, no more new-civilization talk. T.J.: Okay by me. LUKE: Hey, T.J. T.J.: Yes, Luke. LUKE: Do you consider yourself a jealous man? T.J.: Why, are you planning on cutting some pipe with another guy tomorrow? LUKE: Never mind. T.J.: I'm sorry. You were asking me if I consider myself a jealous man. I don't, and let me tell you why. Jealousy is bad. Jealousy is what landed me in jail... twice. I learned quickly that without an immediate influx of cash, I could no longer afford to be a jealous man. Supply and demand, my friend. LUKE: So, you're saying if Liz had lunch with... an ex, it's no big deal, right? T.J.: Right. LUKE: Right. I mean, it's an old ex, a long time ago, ancient history. But if she had lunch, and she didn't tell you about it at the time, but eventually she did tell you, you should just let it go, right? I mean, you don't want to be reading anything into anything. You just make yourself crazy and her crazy, and then everybody's crazy, right? T.J.: [angrily] Who the hell is Liz having lunch with?! LUKE: What? What? No one. T.J.: You just said she had lunch with an ex! LUKE: Come on, T.J.! T.J.: Was it Art? LUKE: No, its not.. T.J.: I swear to God, if it's Art, I'm going to -- I told him never to come sniffing around her again! [T.J. storms off. Luke yells after him.] LUKE: Hey, T.J.! Hey, it wasn't Art! CUT TO ELEGANT RESTAURANT - OUTSIDE PATIO - SAME EVENING [Emily and a well-dressed gentleman, Simon McLane, are seated at a small, intimately lit table. It seems to be at the end of the meal. Soft music plays in the background.] EMILY: I have to tell you, every time I hear Mahler's Seventh Symphony, I get ridiculous, giddy. It's like The Beatles on "The Ed Sullivan Show." SIMON: Well, Mahler can do that to you. EMILY: Did you see the Cleveland Orchestra when they were here last month? SIMON: I went every single night. EMILY: Oh, I should have done that. I went the last night and then to the gala afterward. SIMON: Their conductor that night -- EMILY: Rudolfski. SIMON: Did you know that he's deaf in his left ear? EMILY: I did know that. [conspiratorially] In fact, I have a very evil friend who likes to sit next to him at all the gala dinners and whisper incredibly scandalous things into his bad ear all night long. SIMON: Well, who knew Emily Gilmore ran with such a bad crowd? EMILY: Oh, yes, I'm very dangerous. Ask my maids. SIMON: Have I told you how happy I am you said hello to me at the club? EMILY: Twice. And so am I. [A waiter appears at the table] WAITER: How are we doing here? SIMON: We're doing fine. WAITER: Would you like some more wine? [Simon looks inquiringly to Emily. After a pause, she nods] EMILY: Why not? CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT DRIVEWAY - SAME EVENING [Luke's truck pulls to a stop. Luke turns off the truck and turns to Lorelai.] LORELAI: Okay, so, you know what's great about this country? LUKE: Nope. LORELAI: If you try hard enough, you can eventually find a showing of "St. Elmo's Fire" on the big screen. [Luke smiles] LUKE: Yes, that's what gets us the good seats at the Summits. [Luke exits the truck to walk around to her side] LORELAI: Come on, admit it. Rob Lowe pretending to play the saxophone was incredibly hot. [Luke opens her door] LUKE: [dryly] Oh, I admit it. LORELAI: And also, Andrew McCarthy at his best. Though "Less Than Zero" runs a very close second. [They both walk to her porch] LUKE: I'm sure it does. LORELAI: You hated the movie. [They both laugh] LUKE: Yes. Although I love the fact that it got me out of a town meeting, so all in all, a very successful evening. [He pulls her close, very close. They kiss. Lorelai draws her hand up to his shoulder and deepens the kiss. She breaks the kiss.] LORELAI: You sure you can't stay? LUKE: [ Sighs with frustration ] I've got really early deliveries tomorrow. I'll make it up to you this weekend. [He squeezes her repeatedly in his embrace.] LORELAI: I'm going to hold you to that, Mister. [They kiss again. Repeatedly. Lorelai slips from his embrace and walks toward her door, gazing back with a twinkle in her eye. Luke reluctantly steps down from the landing.] LUKE: Oh, by the way... it's fine about lunch. LORELAI: What? LUKE: You having lunch with Christopher -- I just want you to know I'm fine with it. LORELAI: Oh, okay. Good. LUKE: Yep, all right. See you tomorrow. [ Truck door opens, then closes. Truck engine starts up. Lorelai stares a moment, mystified. She glances at her keys before letting herself inside.] CUT TO RORY'S DORM - COMMON ROOM - THAT SAME NIGHT [Paris is seated at the sofa. Many containers of take-out/delivery food lay strewn over the coffee table before her. Rory enters from her bedroom to gather up some books on the table] RORY: Breaking your fast? PARIS: [mouth-full of food] Oh, my God. I love food. You want some? [ Knock on door ] RORY: I'm good. [Paris jumps to her feet and shoves Rory out of her way toward the front door.] PARIS: It's for me. [Rory, reacts slapstick style, landing in a nearby cushioned chair. The door opens.] MAN: [OS] Pizza. $34.95 [Rory picks herself up and walks to the door] RORY: Need some money? PARIS: Oh, I got it. Do you want to have some? There's plenty. [She takes two pizza boxes from a delivery man.] RORY: No, thanks. I'm going to Marty's. PARIS: Okay. [She runs back to the table and the door closes. She eagerly flips open the first boxes lid. ] Well, where's the cheesy bread? I ordered the cheesy bread. CUT TO MARTY'S DORM - HIS BEDROOM [Rory is laying on the bed quizzing Marty on their studies. Marty is seated at the foot of the bed struggling with the topic.] MARTY: Okay, I remember something about Rome. Rome. Rome. Romans lived there. Uh, Audrey Hepburn took a holiday there. It's the name of a "B-52's" song. RORY: Different "roam." MARTY: [Sighs] Okay, that's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know -- it's making me feel stupid. RORY: Oh, okay, I need a break. [Closes her workbook and leans back] MARTY: I second that. RORY: Oh, man, I'm tired. Living is exhausting. This week sucked. I'm so glad it's over. MARTY: Why did it suck? RORY: Just a ton of schoolwork and Ramadan. MARTY: Oh, sure. RORY: I broke up with my boyfriend this week -- that was fun -- [Marty watches Rory with concern] in front of a bunch of people at my grandmother's house. And then, because apparently that wasn't enough "Peyton Place" for me, I have this whole thing going with my dad, who's suddenly back in my life again. MARTY: Yeah, dads can be tough. RORY: I spent so many years just -- I couldn't wait till he showed up. And now he's showing up, and... I don't know. I'm just really tired. [lays down her head] MARTY: You know... once I found out my father wasn't really my father... we started getting along much better. RORY: Stop it. [Chuckles sleepily] MARTY: I'm serious. Suddenly the pressure was off. If something happens, I don't automatically have to give him a kidney. I can weigh my options. It was a real turning point in our relationship. [long pause] So, you broke up with your boyfriend, huh? Rory? [ He looks over to see her sleeping peacefully. He crosses his arms over a pillow and sighs with frustration. ] CUT TO LORELAI'S RESIDENCE [Lorelai emerges from the kitchen, switching off the light. Carrying a bowl of popcorn she sits on a living room chair, picks up and contemplates a DVD to watch. Telephone rings, answering machine beeps. ] LORELAI'S MACHINE: I'm exhausted. The phone's far. Make it short and sweet. [Beeps] CHRISTOPHER'S VOICE: Hey, Lor, it's me. Are you there? [pause] Okay, well, I'm just calling 'cause lunch ended bad, and I'm sure you've talked to Rory by now, so you know why it ended bad, and I just wanted to talk. [Lorelai approaches but stops herself from answering the call] Give me a call when you get in. I'll be up late. Okay, bye. [ Answering machine beeps off ] [Lorelai stands a moment. She switches off the desk lamp, and begins walking up the staircase.] CUT TO THE ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE - OUTSIDE [Simon closes Emily's door and they slowly walk toward the front door.] SIMON: It's been a long time since I've had an evening quite as enjoyable as this one. [She stops and turns to him] EMILY: I'm choosing to believe you, Simon, partly because it's flattering and partly because I've had three glasses of wine and a lemon cello. [ Both chuckle. Emily continues to the front door. ] SIMON: So, do you think we could possibly do this again sometime? EMILY: That would be lovely, Simon. SIMON: I'll call you this week. Good night. [He grasps and squeezes her hand warmly] [ Emily enters the house and closes the door, a bare trace of a smile on her face. The sound of a car engine turns over outside. She looks around. Camera angle changes to show her looking around a large empty house. Her faint smile transforms to sadness. Her hand covers her face as she breaks down and cries. ]

Jackson is the soul of patience as Sookie suffers from mood swings and pregnancy food cravings; Paris' decision to fast for Ramadan to bring authenticity to her writing takes its toll on Rory and Marty; against Lorelai's advice, Michel persists with his plan to foil the bathrobe bandits and nearly gets arrested; Emily decides to start dating again, and calls on a reluctant Lorelai for advice; Jackson is so overwhelmed by his duties as Selectman that Miss Patty is forced to resort to a ruse to get him to preside over the town meeting; Lorelai invites Christopher to lunch at the Inn and decides to surprise Rory by inviting her as well, but it's Lorelai who's surprised by the tension between father and daughter, which erupts into a heated argument out of Lorelai's earshot; Lorelai feels guilty for lying to Rory when her daughter asks about Luke's reaction to the lunch date with Christopher; Luke helps T.J. with some plumbing problems at the new house; Emily appears to have a wonderful time on her date, but bursts into tears when she looks around her empty home at the end of the date; Luke feigns indifference when Lorelai finally tells him about lunch with Christopher, but hints at some ambivalence during a later conversation with T.J.; Marty's timing is off by mere seconds when he attempts to ask Rory out on a date.

fd_The_O.C._04x05

fd_The_O.C._04x05_0

Poolhouse Seth: Bollywood, huh? I didn't know you're such a world cinema buff, especially at 2:30 in the morning. Ryan: What are you doing up? Seth: I had a dream Summer was marrying Ralph Nader and I was playing the marimba at the wedding. Ryan: Good gig. Why don't you call her? Seth: I'm giving her space, remember? I promised myself I'd wait at least a week before calling. What are they dancing about? Ryan: This guy just saw his girlfriend's ankle. Hmm. You think it's about time to talk to someone? Seth: Nobody ever died of insomnia. Fine. You know what? I'm sort of in the mood for a chaste Hindu love story with lots of needless dancing. Ryan: Seth, go to bed. Seth: No can do. If you're awake, I'm awake. At Cohen's Kirten: Come on. Love is... Seth: Nice. Kirsten: Thank you. You know, you'd be a lot sharper if you didn't sleep on the couch. Seth: You know, maybe you should invest in some less-comfortable furniture. Why don't you chew on that for a while? Sandy: Morning, all. Kirsten: Hey, how'd it go? Seth: Oh. I'll get it. Sandy; Five feet, glassy, and I got that skinflint Sweeton to pledge $30,000 to the PD's Youth Outreach Program. Kirsten: Oh, they are so lucky that you are organizing that event. You are amazing. Sandy: Mm... Uh-huh. What do you need? Kirsten: I just need a slogan for New Match. So far, your son has come up with "Love is Nice," and "Love Schmov." Taylor: "Love is a smoke made with the fumes of sighs; being purged a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes." Kirsten: Taylor, that's beautiful. Taylor: Shakespeare. Old Bill's always good or a line. Julie left this in my car. So, um, I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd drop it by in case you needed it. Kirsten: Oh, thank you. I'm going to go give Ryan some coffee. Taylor: Um, I can do that. Kirsten: Thank you. Poolhouse Ryan: Hello? Taylor: Easy, girl. Ryan: Taylor, what are you doing here? Taylor: Um, I'm just, uh, bringing Kirsten some papers. This is for you. Ryan: Oh, thanks, but actually, I'm kind of not drinking coffee right now. Taylor: Oh. Well, Ryan, I just wanted to thank you again for helping me with my husband, and I am... Ryan: You don't have to pay me back. Taylor: Are you kidding? If it wasn't for you, I would be in France right now, trapped in a loveless marriage. You saved my life, and I am at your command. Anything you want... anything. Ryan: You could hand me that shirt. Taylor: You joker. Here. Um, I'm serious. You're not getting out of this so easily. You know, in some cultures,they say that if you save someone's life,you're bound to them forever. Bye. At Cohen's Sandy: Here she comes. Taylor: You know, it's odd, but I never appreciated how funny Ryan is. Life-- such a journey. Well, have a nice day. Sandy: She said Ryan was funny. Generic At Roberts' Julie: Oh, my God ! Wake up! Wake up! Hans: Oh, what are you doing? Julie: It's almost 8:00. You have to get out of here before my daughter wakes up. Oh, my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Kaitlin: Are you my new daddy? Hans: Oh, uh, good morning. I'm, I'm your mom's personal trainer. We were just doing an early morning workout. Kaitlin: Oh, really? How much do you charge for that? Hans: Well... Kaitlin: Save it, okay? If my mom wants to club five nights a week, sleep till noon, and hook up with some 25-year-old Bavarian beefcake, it just means she's got less time for me. The door is that way, Hans. Hans: Okay. Julie: Kaitlin... You are having breakfast alone? Kaitlin: Yeah, why? Who else would be here? Julie: No one. Uh, although my new personal trainer was going to come over. You know, we single women have to stay in shape. Kaitlin: Well, I'm sure he'll give you a very good workout. Shopping center Seth: Oh, no. Taylor: Seth! Good, you're here. Seth: Actually, I was just, I was... Taylor: You might want to sit down. I have huge news and a favor to ask you. Seth: You like Ryan and you want my help convincing him to date you? Taylor: Wow. Seth: You said he was funny; that's kind of a giveaway. Taylor: I know, it's crazy. I mean, I've always thought "Cute guy, might be good for a night of rough-and-tumble fun, but it's not like we have anything in common." Seth: So ignore it. It's probably just gas. Taylor: But then when he helped me with my husband and he kissed me, it was like Dorothy landing in Oz. Everything just popped into Technicolor. Seth: Ah. Taylor: You think I don't know what that means? Seth: I said, "Ah." Taylor: Meaning, "Ah, that Taylor, she is so pathetic. Someone's the least bit nice to herand she becomes totally obsessed with them. First me, and then her French husband when he lent her a subway ticket, now Ryan. Seth: Well, you know, isn't it kind of true? Taylor: So what? Yes, I have a psychological predilection to become romantically attached to men who are nice to me due to the fact that I was raised by a she-wolf of a mother who practiced emotional terrorism. Does that mean that if by some miracle, love does come into my life,I should deny it? What kind of person would that make me? What kind of life... Seth: Taylor, what do you want me to do? Taylor: Find out if he's ready to start dating. Seth: Okay. At Ryan's workplace Ryan: Hello? Seth: Hey, you're doing a great job. Ryan: Thanks. Seth: Did you finish the movie last night? Ryan: Uh-huh. Uh, which one? Seth: Are you ready to date again? Ryan: What? Seth: Simple question. Ryan: I have no idea. Why? Seth: Okay, cool. At the comics bookstore Seth: He's not sure. Listen, you don't want to get involved with him right now, okay? He slept like four hours in the last week. He's a mess. Taylor: Really? Interesting. Brown's college Man: Excuse me? Can you not do that now? Excuse me. Che: Hey, we're supposed to clean, buddy. Man: Yeah, and I am in the middle of something. Summer: What's this one's name? Man: Don't touch that. They're part of an experiment. You're a janitor? Che: Uh, you know, we can just go. Betty, we'll come back later. Summer: Yes, Lou, we should go. At the tennis court Spencer: So you're going to hold the ball gently, okay, like, um, like you're holding ice cream. Kaitlin: I stopped eating ice cream. Spencer: So what do you eat? Kaitlin: Nonfat, non-dairy yogurt. Spencer: Fine, hold the ball like nonfat yogurt. Kaitlin: Okay. But if I serve this one in, you have to go out with me. Spencer: Kaitlin, how many times I got to say this? You're 15. Kaitlin: So a kiss is still out of the question? Spencer: Just serve the ball. There it is, it's over the net. Julie: Well, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to squeeze me in for a training session tonight. Mm-hmm. Easy girl. Hold on a second. Spencer: Eye on the ball. Come on. Julie: Kaitlin, you didn't tell me you had a new instructor. Hi, I'm Julie Cooper, Kaitlin's mother. Spencer: How you doing? Spencer. Uh, your daughter, she's got a lot of potential. Mm-hmm. So you play? Julie: Oh, no, I used to, but... I was actually thinking about getting back into it. New Match Office Kirsten: Hey. You're early. Sandy: Well, I wanted to see the new place up and running... and give you this. So Julie already took off, huh? Kirsten: She had to pick up Kaitlin at tennis. Oh, it's a Wonder Woman paperweight. Sandy: Seth gave me his employee discount. Kirsten: Well, it may end up being a souvenir. Sandy: What are you talking about? Kirsten: Remember that woman that I told you about in Laguna that has a high-end dating service? Sandy: Yeah, she's going to retire, sell you her client list. Kirsten: Well, she got another offer, four times ours,and right now we don't have enough money to counter, which means that all of this could be short-lived. Sandy: What about taking on a backer? Kirsten: I could you put in touch with the donors I've been talking to. Sandy: I'm playing golf tomorrow with Gordon Bullet. Kirsten: The oil tycoon? Sandy: Yeah. Kirsten: Didn't he go to jail for tax evasion? Sandy: Yeah, but he's out now. I had dinner with him last month. He's really not a bad guy for being a total pig. Kirsten: I don't know. We just wanted to do this ourselves. And besides, having a silent partner, they always have an opinion. Sandy: Well, it's my impression he's got a lot of fish to fry. So I doubt he'd be involved in your day-to-day, but I could ask him. Kirsten: Okay. Thanks. Brown's college Che: Clear. Summer: Did you find out what they were doing with them? Che: Does it matter? If it wasn't evil,they wouldn't have to keep them locked in cages like animals. Summer: What's the plan again? Che: The plan is to set them loose and then lead them to the forest. The forest, across the river. Summer: Lead them, how? Che: I brought my flute. Summer: Your flute? Like the Pied Piper? Che: Uh, no, scientific study shows that music actually triggers a reaction inside the pleasure center of the rabbit's brain. Check this out. Feel his heartbeat. It's calmer. It's just to keep them calm. But trust me, as soon as they feel the free air on their faces,they're going to be leading us. Summer: Hi. You're a fat bunny. You're name is Pancakes. Did you know that? Huh? Pancakes. Hey, come here. Che: Okay, when I open this door we've got about 60 seconds till the storm troopers arrive. You ready to do this? Summer: Yeah. Che: Welcome to liberty, my friends. Summer: Come on, Pancakes. Poolhouse Ryan: Taylor? Taylor: Ryan, you can't sleep, can you? You poor thing. Ryan: It's 3:00 in the morning. Taylor: Seth told me everything. But lucky for you, junior year, I won the state science fair for my study in sleep disorders. I can help you. Ryan: Oh, well, that's really nice, but actually, you know,I'm fine. Taylor: It's the middle of the night, and you're wide awake. Ryan: So are you. Taylor: Well, I never sleep more than four hours a night. It's unproductive. Ryan, don't you see, this is how I'll pay you back. Ryan: Yeah. You know what? Actually, I'm kind of tired. Taylor: Stop lying. I want you to meet me tomorrow morning at 8:00, at the diner. And I won't take no for an answer. Ryan: Fine. Taylor: Ryan? Ryan: Yeah? Taylor: Good night. Ryan: Good night, Taylor. At the coffee shop Taylor: Okay, just relax. Be normal. You can do this. Good morning, Ryan. Ryan: Hi. Taylor: Oh, you poor thing. You look exhausted. Ryan: Yeah, well, look, Taylor, I don't know what Seth told you, but I'm fine, really. I've got work, so... Taylor: Did you sleep at all last night? Ryan: No, but, uh... Taylor: And how about the night before? Ryan, insomnia can go on for months. What's the harm in letting me try and help you? Ryan: Fire away. Taylor: Okay. So, um, first off... How much of this is related to Marissa? I'm really sorry to ask, but if that's what's going on, I think we need to know. Well, I need to know. Ryan: It's not about her. It started after Thanksgiving. Taylor: Hmm. Right after Volchok turned himself in? Ryan: Yeah, I guess, why? Taylor: Ryan, I'm just spit-balling here... Ryan: Yeah, yeah. Taylor: But, um, this is the guy you wanted revenge on, right? So you probably went to bed every night thinking: "I'll get him tomorrow." But now that purpose is gone, so what's the point in going to bed if there's no point in waking up? Ryan: I hadn't thought about that. Taylor: Oh, my God. I am such an awesome sleep therapist. And this is only our first session. Ryan: Yeah, listen, I better go. Taylor: Yes. Ryan: But, uh, thanks. This was, uh... Good. Taylor: Well, my pleasure. Bye. Tennis court Spencer: You ready? Nice shot, Julie. Julie: Thank you, Spencer. Kaitlin: You know, this is supposed to be my tennis lesson. Julie: Don't you think it's fun to do mother-daughter stuff? Kaitlin: Please. Spencer: Come on, keep your eye on the ball, Kaitlin. Let's go. Bring it back, up, and very nice. Back, up and... Very nice. Mm-hmm. Julie: Do you mind? It's the third time. Kaitlin: Sorry. Spencer: Ow. Ooh. Are you all right ? This will helpwith the serve. Julie: I think I really strained it. I'm strong. Soencer: You are strong. I'm pretty impressed. Julie: Ooh, perfect. Where's my racket? Kaitlin: Oh, that's weird. You know, I'm ready when you are. Golf course Gordon: Well, I get that she did a fine job in that whole Middle East thing, but I'm sorry, Madeline Albright-- not hot. Sandy: Well, Gordon... Gordon: I told you to call me Bullet. Sandy: Well, Bullet, call me crazy, but maybe Madeline Albright doesn't need to be hot. Gordon: Oh, well, that's an interesting point of view, Sandy. Sandy: Hey, your donation to the PD's Outreach Program was really generous, thank you. Gordon: Oh, well, you caught me at the right time. I was in bed with those Arab fellas. That's a metaphor. Them boys cooked the books on me, so I sold out. Left them high and dry. They never should have messed with old Bullet. Bang. All righty. Look at that. Shii-ite Muslim. You see, the point is, I'm cash-rich right now, and I don't know what to do with all the stuff. Sandy: Really? Gordon: Cigar? Sandy: No, thanks. Gordon: They're Cuban. Commie bastards do one thing right. Sandy: You know, my wife just started a business, and she and her partner are thinking about taking on investors. In fact, you could talk to them about it tomorrow at the benefit-- you know, get the details. Gordon: Well, I don't think I'm going tomorrow, Sandy. You see, my date went back to her husband. Sandy: I'm going to do you a favor. You should talk to my wife,because that's the business she's in, and her partner is newly single. Gordon: She hot? Ryan's workplace Seth: And I was into recycling way before it was cool. Al Gore got half that stuff from a paper I wrote in sixth grade. I just don't, you know, make a stink, because he's doing good work. Ryan: Well, when are you allowed to call Summer again? Seth: 10:03 tomorrow. Am I driving you crazy? Ryan: No, no. Taylor: Hi, Seth. Ryan, I need your keys. I have to get your room ready. Seth: What? Taylor: Oh, I'm Ryan's sleep therapist. Ryan: Right. Uh, that's your tacos. Seth: Because you can't. Taylor: Why not? I did not tell you about Ryan's sleep problems, so you could use it for some weirdo seduction. I'm not... Seth: Are you a sleep therapist? Are you certified? Sleep ther... Do you have a little certificate from the American Institute of... uh, the sleep place? Taylor: And what if I can help him? He wins, I win. They call it win-win for a reason. Seth: It doesn't matter. You can't. Taylor: Just say what you're really thinking, Seth. Ryan: Hey... Everything okay? Seth: Yeah. Taylor: Great. Seth: Could you go get me some pico de gallo? Ryan: Yeah. Sure. Taylor: It's true-- you don't think I'm good enough. Seth: That's crazy. Taylor: Oh, Taylor, she's so funny, what a kook,but her and Ryan, please. Seth: You need help, do you know that? Taylor: I mean, she's no Marissa. Exactly. Ryan: Here you go. Seth: Thanks, I've got to get back to the shop. Taylor: Yeah, I better go, too. At Brown's college - Summer's bedroom Summer: Hey, Amber. Did Seth..."? Amber: Your boyfriend didn't call. I thought he was giving you space. Summer: Uh... he is. It doesn't mean that I can't call him. Amber: Oldest trick in the book. I'm giving you space so you can call first and look like the needy one. Summer: Seth isn't doing that. Amber: Of course not. Oh, but the dean's office called. They want to see you tomorrow. Summer: What? Did they say what for? Amber: No. Amber: Hey, did you hear that someone set free the bunnies in one of the science labs? Summer: Huh, really? Well, maybe someone thought it was inhumane. Amber: Maybe someone didn't know they were only being studied for their socialization patterns and lived a pretty cushy life. By the way, there's a rabbit under your bed. Summer: Che. Che: I got the call, too. That scientist picked us out of a face book. Apparently the chiseled features of freedom, not that hard to recognize. Summer: What are you going to do? Seth: Breathe, caterpillar. It's all going to be okay. I went through the same exact thing when they tried to frame me for flooding the trustee dinner. Summer: But you did floodthe trustees' dinner. Che: Yeah, but they didn't know that. Flax and Oats? Summer: I don't think I can lie. Che: Of course you can't. No more than the wind could lie,or a tree. Oh... I have to go write a song. I just came by to tell you that I am with you until the end. Summer: But, Che, what if they kick us out? Che: Then in the words of the great Chief Aupumut I will sing my death song and die like a warrior going home. Summer: Pancakes. Jettey Brad: I thought we were goingto the beach. Kaitlin: In a minute. I just want him to see me in my bikini first. Eric: You mean you want him to molest you. Kaitlin: All right, shut up. I have real feelings for this guy... Oh, my God. Eric: Wow, looks like your mom has some feelings, too for that guy's butt. Brad: Dude, why are you talking about that guy's butt? Eric: Shut up. Brad: You're so gay sometimes. Poolhouse Ryan: Oh, my God. Taylor: Welcome home, Ryan. Ryan: Taylor. Taylor, Taylor. This, um... Are you wearing pajamas? Taylor: Oh, yes. Many people sleep better with a warm body beside them. Don't worry. It's completely non-sexual. Ryan: Yeah. I've got to ask, though. Is this... I mean, you don't, you don't like me, do you? Taylor: Um... Yeah, I like you. We're friends. Ryan: No, I mean, the, um... Taylor: Oh. Oh... My goodness, no. No, no, no, no, no. I just, you know, I want to pay you back and, um... I happen to be really interested in sleep disorders. Ryan: Okay. Taylor: Great. Shall we start with a massage? [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: Oh! Whoa! What the...? Hey, what are you doing here? Taylor: Me? What are you doing here? Seth: Uh, bringing Ryan coffee, and I live here. Did you stay the night? Taylor: No. Well, yeah, kind of. Can I just have one of these? You didn't put any sweetener in, did you? 'Cause I read that aspartame can cause brain tumors quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. Hey. Seth: Taylor. Taylor: I was just helping Ryan with his sleep. Have you seen him? He was gone when I woke up. Ryan: Hey! I went for a jog. It's, uh, this isn't what it looks like. Taylor: Totally. Yeah, you know... Well, kind of. We did sleep in the same bed. Ryan: No, actually, uh, you slept in the bed. I was reading in the chair all night. Seth: This is too weird for this early in the morning. I'm just going to... here. Ryan: Well, that was good. Taylor: So you really didn't sleep at all? Is it because I snored? My mom always wanted me to get an operation for a deviated septum. Ryan: You didn't snore. Taylor: We should talk about what happened so I can adjust the plan for tonight. Ryan: Taylor, look, I appreciate everything you've done. I really do. And I think you're probably right about Volchok. But I also think it's something I need to go through on my own. So let's call it even, okay? Taylor: Okay. Ryan: All right. I'm going to go jump in the pool. At Roberts' Julie: So what, Sandy just served me up like a piece of meat? How rich is he? 5:00 will be fine. Hi, honey. Kaitlin: You going on a date? Julie: Yes, I'm going to Sandy's delinquent benefit with a man called "The Bullet." Apparently, he owns Texas. Kaitlin: Oh, well, that sounds like fun. Um, do you think Mr. Cohen would mind if I crashed? Julie: Yeah, I think that'd be okay. I'll have to leave you some cab money. Kaitlin: Well, what if I invited a friend who drives? Julie: That works, too. It's nice to see you interested in charity. Kaitlin: That's me. Brown's college - Dean's office Dean: Ms. Roberts, the reason we called you in today... Summer: I helped free the bunnies. I didn't know that they were only being studied for how they interacted. I know it doesn't excuse it. Dean: Well, the board appreciates your candor. Can you tell us who else was involved? Summer: No, I'm sorry. Dean: I see. There have been other acts of political activism this semester that cross the line of legality: An incident at the Board of Trustees Dinner... Summer: I wasn't involved in that. Dean: Do you know who was? Ms. Roberts, the severity of your punishment will be influenced by how cooperative you are today. Summer: Dean, other deans, I really, really love Brown. I have changed so much here. But I'm afraid if I tell you who did those other things, then I'd be betraying the new me, and I can't do that. Dean: One final question. There is still one rabbit missing. Summer: I don't know anything about that. At Roberts' Kaitlin: Taylor, did you take my lip gloss with the bee pheromones in it? Taylor: It's on the dresser. Kaitlin: Are you okay? Taylor: Yeah, peachy. Kaitlin: Talk. Taylor: Okay, what do you do when you like a boy and he barely knows you're alive and you already pretended to be his sleep therapist and... I'm out of options? Kaitlin: Okay. Well, this may sound a little weird, but try dressing up fabulous and going to a place where you know you'll run into him. Taylor: That's it? Kaitlin: That's it. Taylor: That really works? Kaitlin: Almost every time. And I mean,touching his arm when you guys are talking is always good and dancing and body contact. And laugh at his jokes. I mean, even if they're not that funny. Taylor: Ooh, I-I do that already. Okay, what else? Kaitlin: You could walk in front of him, I mean, if he's a butt guy. Taylor: I don't know if he's a butt guy. Kaitlin: Well, it can't hurt. I mean, girl, you've got a great butt. Taylor: You are such a sweetie. Tell me more. Charity case Sandy: I just want to thank you again on behalf of the entire Public Defender's Office. So please, drink, dance and have a great time. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Sandy: Hello. Kirsten: This is wonderful. Sandy: Thank you. So how's Julie and The Bullet doing? Kirsten: See for yourself. Gordon: So there was this big, white-tailed Texas deer coming across there, so I wheel around like Dick Cheney and go... bang! I got him. Bang! [SCENE_BREAK] Taylor: Hello, Ryan. Ryan: Taylor, hi. You look, um... Taylor: I look nice? Ryan: Nice, yeah, that's the word I was looking for. Taylor: Well, so do you. Would you like to dance? Ryan: Actually, I'm not much of a dancer. It's probably shocking. Taylor: Maybe the exercise will tire you out. Not that this is therapy. No, we're not doing that anymore. It's just, you know, fun. Ryan: Yeah, okay. Taylor: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Julie: Whew. Okay, just a second. He wants to talk numbers Monday. Kirsten: Who? Julie: The Bullet. He's getting drinks. But he's in, Kiki. He loves New Match. Kirsten: That's great. Julie: I know. Kaitlin: Mom. Julie: Kaitlin. Kaitlin: Look at who I brought with me. Julie: What are you doing here? Spencer: You said your mom told you to bring me. Kirsten: Uh, Julie, what's going on? Kaitlin: Is that your date? Julie: You and I will talk later. Bullet, this is... Gordon: What the hell are you doing here, boy? Julie: You know each other? Spencer: You're on a date with my dad? Julie: What? Kaitlin: What? Kirsten: Oh, God. [SCENE_BREAK] Sandy: You ditching my party already? Seth: I was thinking about calling Summer. I'm not supposed to call her until 10:03, but technically, it is 10:03 on the East Coast, so that's not cheating, is it? Sandy: Sorry, Seth. I'd say, yeah, that'd be cheating. Hey, did I see Taylor leaving the pool house this morning? Seth: Yeah, she's pretending to be Ryan's sleep therapist so he falls in love with her. That's new. Sandy: That'd explain the way they're dancing in there. I hope it works out. Seth: You're supporting this seduction plot? Sandy: Well, you don't have to be a shrink to see that Ryan's still working through things. You know, I think he could use the human connection. Seth: Yeah, but those two... I don't know. Sandy: Well, they're not the most obvious couple, but then neither were you and Summer once upon a time. And Taylor thinks Ryan is funny. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: We-we did not hate you. Taylor: Oh, you totally hated me. Come on, you were probably the president of the "We Hate Taylor Club." Ryan: I was the secretary. I took the notes. Taylor: Ryan, you made a real joke. Ryan: Yeah, well, a pretty bad one. But I made a real joke. Thank you, but don't tell anyone. You want a drink? Taylor: That'd be nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: I saw you dancing with Taylor. Ryan: Yeah, is that look supposed to mean something or...? Seth: Crazier things have happened. Nothing I can recall this instant, but... Ryan: Okay, I don't think so. Ask yourself why. Seth: She's smart, she's funny. Ryan: Dude, just forget about it, okay? I'm not going to date Taylor. Taylor: Um, I was just... Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Taylor, Taylor, Taylor... Hold on, let me explain. Taylor: Oh, I think you were pretty clear, Ryan. And, yes, I lied when you asked me if I liked you. But... What was I even thinking? I mean, you and me... I must be totally crazy. Ryan: You're not crazy, okay? Taylor: Ryan, I pretended to be a sleep therapist to seduce you. Ryan: That was crazy. Taylor: Don't worry, because I'm sure next week I'll be totally obsessed with some guy who gives me change for parking. Ryan: Look, what I said has absolutely nothing to do with you, okay? It's just... Taylor: What? That for the longest time all you could feel was your desire to kill Volchok,now that's gone,so you feel empty. You can't feel anything, least of all anything for me. Ryan: How do you keep doing that? Taylor: Doing what? Ryan: That-- you keep telling me what I'm thinking before I feel it. Taylor: Because I think about you. You know, I want you to be happy, and I think that if you gave it a chance, you might feel something, too. Ryan: Taylor... Taylor: Are you going to tell me that you really like me as a friend? Ryan: Maybe. How does she do that? [SCENE_BREAK] Julie: Do you have any idea what you just did in there? Kaitlin: Screwed up things with your new boyfriend? Thought you were all, "I'm off men. I'm going to start focusing on the new business." Julie: That was about business, Kaitlin. That man was going to give us money, money that we need. Kaitlin: Then why'd you have to hook up with Spencer? I mean, couldn't you see that I liked him? Julie: He's ten years older than you, and no, I couldn't see that. Kaitlin: Well, I was flirting with him. Julie: You flirt with everybody. Kaitlin: So do you. Julie: You're 15 years old. Kaitlin: And you're my mother. I don't have to see guys sneaking down the stairs while I'm trying to eat breakfast. It makes me want to barf. That... Julie: That is completely fair. Oh, my God, honey. What is wrong with me? I am so sorry. Kaitlin: It's okay. Just try to pick one guy. One that I don't like. Julie: How did you know that Spencer was Bullet's son? Kaitlin: I didn't. Julie: It was just coincidence? That's weird. Brown's college Che: Summer, hey. What are you doing? Summer: Waiting for you. Have you been talking to the board this whole time? Che: Summer, have I accomplished anything this semester? Summer: Are you kidding? Che, there would be no political activism at Brown without you. Oh, my God, are you getting kicked out? Che: No, no, but I think you might be. Summer: What? Che: Yeah, they needed a scapegoat. You said yourself, I'm too important to the movement, so... Summer: What did you tell them, Che? Che: Uh, just that you flooded the trustee's dinner, and disabled the maintenance vehicles in October... And, well, there's a whole list of stuff. I was only going to say a couple, but then, you know, I thought, if Summer's going down anyways... may as well have her go down in style. Summer: Well, Che, you did all of those things and I protected you. Che: I know. And the movement will never forget it. Summer: Shut up about the movement, okay? This is not Cuba. We are in college. We have dining cards. I'm going to get kicked out. Che: Caterpillar. Summer: No, okay, don't call me that. Okay, just stay away from me. Charity case Gordon: Well, fine. Fine. You'll have your money tomorrow. Senators. Well, if it's not the little pot stirrer. Have you seen my idiot son? He's probably somewhere banging his head against the wall. Kaitlin: Dude, no one cares that he's your son. You should invest in my mother's business. Gordon: Or what? You going to tell everyone what a meanie old Bullet is and I'm going to have to sit alone at lunch? Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo. Kaitlin: My mother is awesome. She ran the Newport Group. And when she broke up with her fiancee, she got his house. She'll make you a lot of money. Gordon: Already got a lot of money, squirt. Kaitlin: Just thought it might be some fun. Well, if that's all you're in for, then knowing my mother, will be the best investment you've ever made. [SCENE_BREAK] Kirsten: Tired? Sandy: Exhausted. Hey, how'd it go with the Bullet? Kirsten: Well, as it turns out, Julie was dating his 25-year-old son. Sandy: Ooh. That's a weird coincidence. Kirsten: That about sums it up. Gordon: Sandy, mind if I borrow your wife for a second? Come on, blondie, I won't bite. [SCENE_BREAK] Julie: Hey, you ready to go home? Kaitlin: Yeah. Where's Spencer? I figured you guys would have made up and he'd be showing you his half volley. Julie: I told him it's over and that if he ever came near you again, I would crush him. Kirsten: Julie? We're back on. Bullet wants to come by the office on Monday. Julie: What? Kirsten: Apparently Kaitlin can be quite persuasive. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Kaitlin: Yeah, I got game. Julie: You want to get some ice cream? Kaitlin: I stopped eating. What the hell. The guy at the ice cream store is so hot. Julie: That's my girl. Seth's bedroom Seth: Well, close enough. Taylor: Seth. Seth: Taylor, what are you doing in here? Taylor: When I had really bad insomnia last year,a Chinese doctor gave me this herbal tea. And I thought it might help Ryan sleep. I would have given it to him before, but I was trying to seduce him. Seth: So... So why can't you just give it to him? Taylor: Because I'm too embarrassed. You were totally right. Here I am, getting a divorce, I'm living like a refugee at Julie's. Ryan's nice to me so I fall for him ? It's just totally pathetic. Just please give that to him. Seth: Wow, I never thought I'd see you quitting. Taylor: Well, it's completely hopeless, Seth. You heard him. Seth: Yeah, I know, just you're rolling over like an old dog. Not the Taylor I remember. Taylor: Are you seriously trying to Jedi mind trick me? Seth: Taylor Townsend, quitter. I guess I'll just have to get used to that. Taylor: Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: Hello. Summer: Hey. Seth: Hey. Summer, I was just about to call you. Summer: Oh, you were? Seth: Yeah. Summer: I wanted to call you, but I didn't want to seem needy. Seth: Are you kidding? I been wanting to call you all week. Summer: Seth, you still love me, right? Seth: Of course I do. What's going on? Summer: Well... I got a rabbit. Seth: Okay. What's its name? Wait, no, let me guess. Is it Cyclotron? Summer: No. Seth: Are you lying? Is it, uh, Gorgon the Destroyer of Carrots? Summer: No. Seth: Is it Larry? Summer: Larry? You're not Larry. Poolhouse Taylor: Um, I brought you some tea. I'm not trying to be your therapist again. I just thought it might help you sleep. Ryan: Oh, thanks. Taylor: Oh, God, what am I doing. Ryan: Wait, hold on. Look, I've got to say something. I think you've got this idea that you're this strange person that has to trick people into liking you. That's not true. You're, um... You're amazing. Taylor: Oh, my God. You just did it to me. Ryan: Did what? Taylor: You said exactly what I was feeling. Well, except for the amazing part. Ryan: Well, it's true. Honestly, you know, I wish I did feel something. Taylor: Kiss me. Ryan: Uh, what? Taylor: I think there's something there. And I think that if you kiss me you'll feel it, too. Ryan: I think we already did that. Taylor: Nope, uh-uh. You kissed me, I didn't kiss you. Come on. Just... If you don't feel anything, I will never mention it again. That's the best deal you'll ever get. Ask Seth. Just one kiss. One kiss. One kiss. Ryan: Okay. Taylor: Okay. I'm sorry. Seth's bedroom Summer: Thanks for talking to me, Cohen. I really miss you. Seth: Get some sleep, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Summer: I love you. Seth: I love you, too. Poolhouse Seth: Hey, I figured you'd be up. Ryan is finally asleep. End of the episode.

Taylor finds a new way to get closer to Ryan but ends up turning to Kaitlin for support. Summer and Che take their activism to a new level but pay the consequences later. Meanwhile, Julie fights for the affection of Kaitlin's new tennis instructor, and Kirsten seeks additional funding for NewMatch.

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CRU - Street Ashleigh : Can't believe you signed up for an extra class you don't get credit for. Casey : It's a prep class. And, according to Evan, it's the best way to ace the LSAT. And it gets my mom off my back, which is even better than course credit. Frannie : Thank God I gave up my advanced degree aspirations. Standardized tests are so not my thing. Good luck, Case. I'm off to my seminar on the movies of John Hughes. Enjoy! Ashleigh : So... Is Evan taking this LSAT class, too? Casey : Evan? No, Mr. Born-Lawyer already took the class, of course. On his way to becoming the Supreme Court's youngest clerk ever. "Welcome to your first step towards an exciting future career in the law." Ashleigh : Casey Cartwright, Esquire. Casey : Bad-ass prosecutor by day, and Armani-wearing temptress by night. Ashleigh : It's like you're a superhero. Casey : A superhero with an expense account. Ashleigh : Don't remind me. Casey : About expense accounts? Ashleigh : About money. I'm broke. What am I gonna do about spring break? It's next week. Casey : There's no way you can your parents go give you more? Ashleigh : I can't tell them I've already spent my allowance for this month. Can I borrow against your future account? Casey : You'll have to make an appointment with my cute administrative man-sistant to discuss that. Ashleigh : Stop, you're intimidating me. Casey : Wait until you see me in the courtroom. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... KT HOUSE - Meeting Cappie : Case closed. And so it is resolved. It takes 427 licks to get to the chocolate-y center. Good going, Spitter. I've never seen anyone lick something that fast. It was mildly disturbing. Now, that that's out of the way, you're all ready to become new men. Rusty : Are we getting initiated? Cappie : This is an initiation of sorts. Wait, Beaver. This box contains the lost souls of dozens of departed Kappa Taus. Pickle : You think there are body parts in there? Cappie : This box holds your futures. You are no longer Pickle. Pickle : I'm not? Cappie : No, you're not. You are now... Peter Carey, age 24. Kappa Tau class of 2006. Gentlemen, it's time to get your fake Ids. Because while the Kappa Tau basement does not card, the bouncers at spring break do. Beaver : Buzzkill. Wade : Doormen you encounter next week are fierce, pledges. You must become one with your new identies. Let no Myrtle Beach bouncer tear you asunder. Cappie : Ben Bennett, you are now... Of course. Frank Franklin. Ben Bennett : Sweet! Rusty : Wait, that doesn't look anything like him. We're gonna get in trouble? Cappie : Everything worth while comes with at a risk, Spitter. Or should I say... Chad Stewart? Credits CRU - Classroom Girl : So what'd you get? Casey : A new notebook? Girl : Your score. I got a 160 last practice test. I got a 160 on my last practice test, which would be OK, except I want to go to Yale and they would laugh at me with that score. And if I don't get into the international trade law program at Yale, I'm done. I have a 3.9, which is OK, but I really need to beef up my internships this summer if I don't want to be a total joke. Casey : Yeah. Girl : Have you started interviewing yet? Casey : Interviewing... No, not yet. I thought this class was my first step towards an exciting future career in the law. Girl : What'd you get on your last practice test? Man : One-seventy. Casey : OK, looks like some people are overdoing it a little bit, right? Man : What do you mean? Teacher : OK, everybody. Let's get down to business. I'm sure you've been practicing, so let's go ahead and start off with a mock-LSAT. Pass those back. You've got two hours. When I say go, go... GO. KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Welcome to Bionic Beats. Can I see some ID? Rusty : No problem. Cappie : He's on the guest list. Chad Stewart? Rusty : That's right. Chad Stewart. 2343 Homer Terrace, Sunshine, Florida. Cappie : What's your sign, buddy? You get out of here. You and your fake ID! You get out of my club! Nobody messes with Tad, the best bouncer in Myrtle Beach! Get outta my sight! Rusty : Come on! Cappie : You didn't have to give a noogie. Lucky that's all you got. If we were in Myrtle, you'd get a class-one misdemeanor punishable by a fine of not more than $200 or imprisonment for not more than 30 days plus court costs. Let's let Rusty's abject failure be a lesson to us all. Rusty : Well, what kind of question is, "What's your sign?" Cappie : A question the real Chad Stewart would have answered easily. There's an in-bar field test coming up tonight. I want you to study up and be prepared, or it's Noogieville for you. Or jail in some states. Beaver : Man, it is wild in there! You don't even wanna know. Cappie : Back of the line. Next. CRU - Street Ashleigh : I can't believe this. Calvin : How commercialized spring break has become? Ashleigh : That's all good. It's that I won't be able to participate in any of the pre-packaged commercialism this year unless I win the lottery. Hello, Powerball. Calvin : Don't you have a credit card? Ashleigh : Yes. But the bill goes to my parents. And ever since they figured out that my charges to MAC were for lip gloss and not computer tech-support, they've been strict with it. Girl : Well, you won't have that problem here. Your Credit Plus bill goes right to you. Not only that, it will allow you to establish a credit history in your name. Ashleigh : That sounds like a smart thing to do. Girl : It is. And for every purchase you make, you'll earn points. And I can offer you a thousand dollar limit. Ashleigh : Sign us up! Calvin : I don't know. Girl : I can throw in a free MP3 player, but the offer is good for today only. But since you guys are such good customers, I can have those cards overnighted to you, and you'll be ready to charge tomorrow. Ashleigh : It's just a credit card. It's not the Army. Calvin : Sure, why not? Ashleigh : Spring break, here we come. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Dale : What are you studying? Rusty : I am studying Chad Stewart. Dale : I haven't come across any Chad Stewart. Is that in the string theory section? Rusty : Chad Stewart is the guy whose fake ID I inherited. But all I can find is his CRU web page from three years ago. Apparently, he's a songwriter. Not bad? Dale : Pretty rudimentary chord changes if you ask me. Rusty : How old do I look in this? Dale : Eighteen. You know, lying about who you are is never good, Rusty. It signals a lack of self-esteem. Why would I want to be anyone but Dale Kettlewell? Rusty : You wouldn't, Dale. Dale : Obviously. Rusty : What about this? Dale : You look like my cousin Barry. He always wore a hat like that. He's in prison now. Rusty : I don't care about your cousin. I need to look like a 24-year-old singer and snowboarder who backpacks through South-east Asia. Dale : To my knowledge, people who travel through South-east Asia generally look like pedophiles. Which is kind of fitting, because that's what Barry got pinched for. Rusty : All right. Come on, man, help me out. Dale : I will. By referring you to the Book of Matthew, which tells us that one sign of the end times is Satan impersonating an angel of light. So it's up to you, Rust. What do you want to be? Satan, or an angel of light? Rusty : Whichever gets me served in Myrtle Beach, Dale. Dale : That'd be Satan. Satan lives in Myrtle Beach. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room Evan : Hey! What are you doing here? Your Guide to Acing the LASAT. Casey : I'm taking that prep class you took last semester. Why didn't you tell me the goobers in that class passed the bar? I am way behind. I got a 140 on my first practice test, thanks to those stupid logic problems. So I thought... Evan : I could help you? Casey : Yeah, but not if it's too weird. I don't want to ask too much of our brand-new friendship. Evan : You know, of course it's not too weird. You need help, I'm here for you. And I've got a bunch of my old practice tests upstairs. You're right, those logic problems can be a bitch. CRU - A bar Cappie : Ok. Pickle, you're up first. Then Ben Bennett. Rusty might need a little extra prep time. Rusty : Hey, I've been studying. Cappie : I'm sure you have, Spitter. Ok. She just got a big tip. Her mood is good. Pickle, you're up. Girl : Gentlemen. What can I get you? Pickle : I'll have a vodka and orange juice, please. Girl : No problem. Can I just see some ID first? Pickle : Sure. Girl : So, Peter, I see you're from Omaha? Pickle : I'm a Libra. Girl : How about just the orange juice? What about you? You over 21? Ben Bennett : Well, I'm flattered you'd ask, little lady. I haven't been Ided in years. Girl : Six-foot-three, huh? Ben Bennett : I'm gotta go to the bathroom. Pickle : Me, too. Girl : What about you two? Got some ID for me? Are you really Chad Stewart? Cappie : In the flesh. Rusty : Yeah. Who else would I be? Girl : This is so weird. I always had this fantasy of you walking into my bar one day. I never thought it would happen. I mean, you haven't been seen in Cyprus in three years, since you walked out of that gig at the Coffee Grounds Cafe. By the way, I agree with you. Commercialism has ruined music. Hunter's Heartis my favorite song off your underground CD. I'm Trish, by the way. Rusty : Well, you know my name. Trish : So what can I get you? Rysty : Singapore Sling. Trish : Singapore Sling. You are so cool. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Cappie : Singapore Sling? Rusty : Well, Chad Stewart spent a summer in Singapore. Cappie : Far be it for me to question Chad Stewart. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Casey : "A seafood restaurant serves five different entrees on five different nights. If halibut is served only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, then when does the restaurant serve Lobster"? First of all, I'm never eating seafood again. Secondly, am I crazy or are these questions totally pointless? Is anyone thinking of fish when they're defending someone on death row? Evan : If they're hungry, maybe. No, seriously, the point is testing your reasoning skills. They're what you use to craft your entire argument. You know, and winning arguments is what the law is all about. If you find the right argument, you can win any case. It doesn't matter what the facts are. The truth is beside the point. Casey : But, in the meantime, I'm still dealing with fish. Evan : That's true. OK. But I also know that you happen to be a whiz at Sudoku. Remember? I had fight you for it every Sunday morning. Casey : Yeah? What are you trying to do? Torture me with the various leisure activities I no longer have time to enjoy? Evan : No, no. I'm trying to point out to you that these logic problems are actually a lot like Sudoku. You line things up and cancel them out until they fit. Casey : That makes sense. Evan : Yeah. Casey : So let's try this again, Sunday morning Sudoku-style. Evan : Right on. Isn't this strange? I mean, us getting studying for the LSAT together like we always planned? Casey : No. It doesn't feel strange to me. It feels... great that we can be mature enough to sit here together, studying, as friends. I love this. Evan : Me, too. CRU - A bar Rusty : So there I was, all alone, hiking through the Kanchanaburi province, when I came upon the most pristine rainbow I've ever seen. Trish : Wait, is that how you got inspired to write Wet Tuesday That's my second favorite song of yours. Rusty : No. Actually the, the wetness in the song refers to the tears that I shed after a bad breakup. Trish : Must've been the worst breakup ever, given the violent imagery in that song. "Singed flesh" and "shattered bones." Yikes! Rusty : Yeah. Exactly. Gee, you sure know a lot about my music. Trish : I'm sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable? I know how private you are. I'm just still so amazed you came out of hiding. I'll be right back. Rusty : Did you see that? She's way into me. Cappie : Easy, Spitter. Chick bartenders tend to make all male drinkers feel like that. They're like clothed strippers that way. Trish : Hey, would you, maybe, be interested in going to this party thing with me this weekend? Rusty : Yeah. Trish : Great! Meet me here. Friday night, 7:00. Man : Excuse me, miss. Rusty : Ok. Trish : Ok. Bye. Rusty : All right. Looks like you had it all wrong. Cappie : Cough syrup and suntan lotion. Rusty : Exactly. CRU - Classroom Casey : Sunday morning Sudoku. DOBLERS Frannie : Casey's a genius, yay! Casey : OK. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's just a practice test. Ashleigh : But you got a 155. And that deserves another round. Frannie : Exactly. Ashleigh : I'll get this one. A pitcher, please, and you can keep the tab open. Got it. I've always wanted to say that. Casey : Take it easy there, Spendy Gonz lez. I don't want my first court Case bailing you out of debtor's prison. Ashleigh : I have it under control. Besides, every time I make a purchase, I earn points. Frannie : Points for what? Ashleigh : I don't know. But everyone loves points. Casey : I'll be right back. I'm I'm gonna give my study-buddy the good news. Ashleigh : I say they're back together by spring break. What do you think? Frannie : I don't think she'd take him back, do you? Ashleigh : Never thought she'd take him back after he slept with Rebecca. And I never thought she'd hook up with Cappie again. So who knows? But, think about it, this is how they started out freshman year. They were just friends. Before you know it, a friendly hug becomes a friendly kiss becomes here we go again. So... it's not what I'd choose for her, but if it makes her happy... Frannie : I guess I thought. She was so done with him, nothing he did would make a difference. Casey : No, I outscored most of those bleeding ulcers because of you. Thank you so much. Evan : You're the one that took the test. You're gonna make a great lawyer. I, for one, can personally attest to your skills in the argumentative arts. Casey : Seriously, I owe you one. Evan : Let's grab dinner, celebrate. Casey : Yeah, sure, why not? Evan : All right. Casey : But only if you let me treat. KT HOUSE - Living room Rusty : She's going for it. I tell her I snowboard in the Swiss Alps. So then she invites me to this wild party this weekend. Pickle : Are you gonna go? Rusty : Of course I'm gonna go. I can't disappoint my biggest fan. Ben Bennett : That is awesome. I can't believe she bought you as a 24-year-old musician. We have got to work on our fake ID technique, OK? Cappie : Aren't you supposed to be organizing Beaver's adult video collection? Ben Bennett : Sorry, Cap. Rusty was just telling us about the sweet party he's going to this weekend. Cappie : Is that so? Spitty, you're not actually thinking about going to that party? Rusty : Trish invited me. I can't stand her up. Cappie : No, Trish invited Chad Stewart. Not Rusty Cartwright. Playing Chad Stewart over a round of Singapore Slings is one thing, but do you really think you can pull it off for an entire night? Me thinks you're in over your head, wee one. Rusty : You think I can't handle it? Cappie : Well... No, I... Rusty : Hey. Come on. 'Cause I think I can handle myself just fine. In fact, while you've been tied down with one girl all semester, I've been handling myself with various ladies. Cappie : Handling yourself is perfectly normal and we all do it, but it's not necessarily something you wanna brag about. Rusty : Very funny. What about Tina? Cappie : I forgot about Tina. Too bad she turned out to be so... crabby. Rusty : Hey, I took care of it. Cappie : I'm not trying to sound like a jerk. I just don't want you to get carried away. Because when a man gets too big for his britches, you know how he ends up, Rusty? Naked. Think about that. CRU - Street Ashleigh : I really wanted that wrap. It would've gone perfectly with all of my new bathing suits. What kind of thrift store doesn't take credit cards that way? Calvin : A thrift store that only takes cash. And didn't you already buy some sort of wrap? Ashleigh : I can return that. And this is vintage. Calvin : Do I need to do a credit-card intervention on you? Ashleigh : I need all this stuff for spring break. When I get back, I'll get more allowance and I'll be able to pay it all off, without a cent of interest. Do you see how carefully I've thought this out? Calvin : Yeah, but your careful thinking seems to have found its limit. Ashleigh : Unless... I give up "careful" thinking and go for more... "outside the box" thinking. You said you needed a new flash drive. They sell those at the campus store, which takes credit cards. See where I'm going with this? Calvin : Yeah, I give you the cash, and you charge the flash. Ashleigh : And we have a plan. Just this once. Please, please, please. Calvin : All right, all right. Why do I feel like Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon? Rusty : What are those? Casey : Books. You, of all people, should recognize them. Rusty : So you were serious about that law school thing? I thought you were trying to get Mom off your back. Casey : No, that was just a happy byproduct. Rusty, hello. Law school has been my plan since freshman year. Rusty : Really? What kind of law? Casey : I'll worry about that after I get through my LSAT class. Which, by the way, I am kicking ass in. I have to go meet Evan for dinner. Rusty : You're meeting Evan for dinner? Casey : He's been helping me with my LSAT class, that's all. And we're going out to celebrate. Rusty : And... Casey : And... Rusty : Here we go again. Did anyone ever tell you you're the world's biggest flip-flopper? Casey : I'm not flip-flopping. Evan and I are friends. Rusty : No, Evan isn't capable of being a decent friend. There's always a catch with him. He's sneaky and manipulative, and you cannot trust him. Case, he's gonna take you to some swanky, romantic restaurant and try and lure you back. It's like he's the Kanchanaburi pit vipe of Thailand, and you're his juicy little field mouse. Casey : You haven't let Cappie make you brownies, have you? And there's no way that's what Evan's thinking. What's with the jacket? You look like you're 12. Rusty : Really? Casey : Yeah, really. See ya later, Rust. Rusty : Don't be his field mouse, Casey. CRU - Restaurant Casey : This is the kind of place I was in the mood for. I'm glad you suggested it. Evan : Me, too. Hey. I hope you're in the mood for this, too. Casey : You're not gonna give me a mock-LSAT over dinner, are you? What's this for? Evan : Well, it just so happens that my dad's old buddy is the dean of admissions at Harvard. And it just so happens that this old buddy is in Cyprus for some conference. Casey : That's a lot of just-so-happening. Evan : But the biggest happening of all, I got you a sit-down with him. Sunday afternoon. Casey : Harvard Law School? Evan : Kind of a big one. Casey : Where you're going. Evan : Wait a minute, Case. Come on. You're not reading too much into this, are you? Casey : It just seems... Evan : Listen. Two of my Omega Chi brothers are already meeting with him. I thought... I thought it'd be great if you did, too. You know? This isn't some elaborate ploy to get you back. Casey : I know. Evan : 'Cause we're just friends. Amigos, right? That's it. But, listen, if that's too weird for you, then... Casey : No! It's not too weird for me. Evan : And it's not too weird for me. Casey : OK, so... I feel like a total Jackass. Can we just order and forget I said anything? And thank you. Evan : And you're welcome. ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room Ashleigh : I love my new lip gloss. What do you think? Casey : I think... that corporate litigation sounds really boring. Ashleigh : Well, so do I. So stop reading that and come to Dobler's with me. I'm gonna open another tab. Casey : I can't. I'm meeting this Harvard guy tomorrow. I need to find something to talk to him about, like what kind of law I want to practice. There's... Quantitative corporate finance. Ashleigh : That sounds worse than corporate litigation. Casey : No, no, no. This actually sounds kind of cool: "Students learn to assess risk... by using multi-factor models and analyzing corporate structure." Ashleigh : Whatever you say. What's up with your knee? Casey : What? Ashleigh : You looked like you were having a convulsion. Casey : No, it didn't. Ashleigh : Well, I'm off. When fun Casey returns, she knows where to find me. Casey : "Contracts..." CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Hey, I don't look 12 in this, do I? Dale : No. Rusty : All right. Good. Dale : But it is kind of a feminine cut. Where are you going? Another one of your debauched frat fetes? Rusty : Actually, no. This is a party for grown-ups. Dale : I'm listening. Rusty : It's just this girl I met. It's this party in town. No one from school. Dale : Townie party? I'm totally down. Rusty : I didn't invite you, Dale. And why would you want to go anyway? Dale : I'm so weary of the juvenile drivel that passes for conversation on this campus. A little adult interaction is exactly what I need right now. Rusty : You know a lot about music, right? Dale : Are Norma Kettlewell's fresh-baked blueberry muffins the best smell in the world? The answer is yes. Rusty : OK. Great. Then you can come. 'Cause I might need your help. Dale : As always. All right. [SCENE_BREAK] CRU - Shop Man : There's a five-dollar minimum for charges. Ashleigh : Well, I'll just have to get five dollars worth of gum. Man : Sorry. Card's been declined. Ashleigh : Come on. For five dollars? Are you sure? Man : Yep. Ashleigh : But I have a thousand dollar limit. There's no way I could possibly have spent... you don't happen to take points, do you? CRU - Party Rusty : Look at all these nice cars. I hope we're not underdressed. Dale : You might be. Rusty : And you have to call me Chad. Dale : What? No, Rusty. I did not sign on for anything like that. Trish : Hi. Rusty : Hey, Trish. Dale : I told you you were underdressed. Rusty : You look wonderful. This is my buddy, Dale. Dale : Yeah, hey. I... I just decided to accompany my good buddy Rock and Roll Chad to your little shindig tonight. Trish : Chad, I'm so glad you came. But, listen, please don't hate me. I wasn't totally honest with you when I invited you here. Rusty : Hey, I've always said honesty is overrated. So, whatever it is, it's no big deal. Dale : Two people joining under God. Sweet. Trish : My sister Jill is getting married today, and she's an even bigger fan of yours than I am, believe it or not. I'm sorry to ambush you like this. But I knew you'd say no if I asked in advance. But, well, our dad died last year, and it was your music that got Jill through that terrible time. And I promised her you'd do it. Well, since my dad couldn't be here to walk Jill down the aisle, maybe Hunter's Heartcan. Rusty : You want me to sing? Dale : Yeah. Go get 'em, Chad-o. Let's hear you rock that mic. Trish : Oh my god! My sister's gonna be so excited! Rusty : Sorry. Hunter's heart. You hide.. And I try to... Something... song. Trish : What's wrong? Is it stage fright? I know it's been a long time. Rusty : I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm not Chad Stewart. Trish : Just give us a second. Everything's fine. What are you talking about? Rusty : My name is Rusty Cartwright. I'm 18 years old, I'm tone-deaf, I don't snowboard, I used Chad Stewart's ID to buy alcohol. Trish : That was a fake ID? Rusty : I'm really sorry. I probably could've gotten you fired. Trish : Yeah, that's the least of my problems right now. Woman : What's happening? What's going on? Man : Maybe she came to her senses and decided to call it off. She didn't want to marry him! She shouldn't. The Groom : Are you kidding me, Jill? You're flaking? That is it! I am SO sick of you and your drama-queen games! The Bride : You're calling me a drama queen? I have just one word for you, Pete: Phoenix. The Groom : You would bring that up! Rusty : Let's go. Dale : I hope you've learned a lesson about the wages of sin... Rusty : Shut up, Dale! DOBLERS Frannie : Thanks for making it quick. My friend's having a crisis. Here you go. Ashleigh : I'm so pathetic. I can't even pay for my own beer. Frannie : So you overdid on the whole consumerism thing. It happens. This is America. Don't fret. Ashleigh : I can't believe I bought all that stuff. I kept getting this crazed feeling like if I didn't grab what I wanted right away, that someone else would. Frannie : I know what you mean. Hey, isn't that that Lambda Sig who stood up Casey? What's his name, Shane? Ashleigh : What a dirtbag. Look at him over there, laughing all slimily. Frannie : That whole thing was so weird. Wasn't it? He seemed so into her. Ashleigh : I know! Frannie : I mean, if I were Casey, I'd be dying to know what made him do that, wouldn't you? He shouldn't be allowed to get away with dissing her like that. Ashleigh : You're right. Frannie : I'm sick of guys treating girls like crap and never get called out on it. Ashleigh : Me too. I wish I could just go over there and tell him off right here and now. Frannie : You should. Ashleigh : Really? Frannie : Yeah. Do it! Ashleigh : Hey, you! Shane : Yes? Can I help you? Ashleigh : You sure can. You can start by explaing to me who you think you are, blowing off Casey Cartwright? Shane : You seem a little drunk, so... Ashleigh : Well, you seem a little bit like a loser. Like one of those guys who has to treat girls badly to feel like a real man. Man : If you want to lecture someone about treating girls badly, talk to Evan, not my bro here. Shane : Steve! Ashleigh : Stop trying to change the subject. Evan is a really good friend of Casey's now. Shane : Look... Evan is no friend of Casey's. Ashleigh : What do you mean? OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Evan : Hold on. Hold on five seconds. Casey. What's wrong? Casey : Did you pay Shane Mullen to stay away from me? Evan : What are you talking about? Casey : I'm talking about you paying someone a thousand dollars to stand me up and humiliate me. Evan : That is crazy. Who told you that? Casey : Shane told Ashleigh at Dobler's. Evan : And you believe him over me? Casey : Why would he make that up? Evan : 'Cause he's a jerk. To excuse bad behavior. Casey : So you didn't pay him off? Evan : Look, you need to forget about him. You've got an interview to prepare for. Casey : You're not denying it. Just give me a straight answer, Evan. Evan : Yes. Casey : Who does that? You dumped me. You don't want to be with me, but you don't want anyone else to either? How could you be so spiteful? Evan : I didn't do it to be spiteful. Casey : Then why? Evan : Because I love you. Casey : After everything we've been through? Did you really think this is how you could win me back? Because that's not love. Evan : I was desperate. Casey : People who love each other shouldn't manipulate each other. This needs to stop. The things we keep doing to each other need to stop. Evan : I just don't want you to hate me. Casey : I don't hate you. I feel... sad for you. And for me, because I really thought we were friends. And now... I think, you should, I don't know, take some time, get your head together. Evan : My head is perfectly together. Casey : I didn't mean... Evan : No, no, no. I got it. You think I'm pathetic. Casey : Evan. Evan : I think we're done here. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey' room Ashleigh : I hope I can work this out. I really need to buy Casey a pick-me-up present. My God! I've been on hold for so long this techno version of to Joy is starting to sound catchy. Calvin : You could always just return everything instead. I mean, Ashleigh. Do you really need this tankini? Ashleigh : First, I love that you know the term tankini. And second, yes. Calvin : Ashleigh. Ashleigh : What? I'm gonna work out a payment plan, and everything will be fine. Hello! Yes! So I spent a little more than I planned, and my card was declined, so I just... Really? You can? That's great! Thank you! Calvin : That was quick. Did they you on a payment plan? Ashleigh : Nope, they upped my credit limit. ZBZ HOUSE - Kitchen Frannie : Hey, what are you doing? Casey : Learning how to take a pair of leather jodhpurs from runway to reality. Frannie : Don't you have that Harvard meeting at noon? Casey : The meeting Evan set up? No thanks. I'd rather wear leather jodhpurs. Frannie : Seriously, sweetie, you cannot blow off that meeting. Casey : Sure, I can. It's Evan-tainted now. Frannie : Who cares about Evan's taint? Yes, he did something creepy, and I totally support you wanting to stay miles away from him. But this Harvard meeting is about your life, not his. CRU - Interview Man : You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I'd say if your scores keep improving, and you fill your resume out a bit, you've got a good shot. So do you have any more questions for me? Casey : No, I think that's it. You've been very helpful. I'm so glad we did this. Man : All right. Then I have a question for you. Let's assume you get in... to Harvard, or someplace else. That's just the beginning. I want to know what it is about the law that's exciting to you. Why do you, Casey Cartwright, want to be a lawyer? CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Geez, Dale. It really weirds me out when you do that. Dale : Sorry. Come in! Casey : Hi, Dale. Dale : Hi, Chelsea. Sorry, it's Casey, right? Chelsea was my ex-girlfriend. That I had. Casey : Actually, I wanted a word with Rusty. Dale : Yeah. Sure. You guys go ahead. I... I was actually gonna head out, go to the gym for a little bit. Been working out, you know, just for me. You know, for summer. Casey : Those space pajamas don't look sweat-proof. Rusty : So why are you here? Casey : No one else will understand this. You're the only person I could think of who's known what they want to do with the rest of your life since they were in diapers. Rusty : It was actually pre-school. We made these pinhole cameras, checking out a solar eclipse, and I had this kind of "a-ha" moment. Which you probably had about law school sometime, too, right? Casey : Except that it wasn't my "a-ha" moment. It was Evan's. Rusty : I don't get it. Casey : Being Miss "A-ha-Less," it was easier to follow Evan's path. So easy that, after a while, I forgot I was following anyone at all. Unfortunately, I didn't figure that out until the Harvard dean of admissions asked me why I want to be a lawyer, and I had to say, "Because of my ex-boyfriend." Rusty : Well, if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that living someone else's life is never a good idea. Casey : Everyone in that LSAT class knew exactly what they wanted, from where they would go to law school to what kind of lawyer they would be. And it turns out, I know exactly what I want, too. I know what kind of law I want to practice. None. Rusty : So what now? Casey : Now... we do not mope. We go back to ZBZ, make slice-and-bake cookies and eat the whole pan. Are you in? Rusty : I'm in. Not that jacket.

The Kappa Tau pledges are given fake IDs in preparation for spring break, and Rusty gets lucky when a bartender believes he is a reclusive musician . Casey signs up for a LSAT prep class, enlisting Evan's help, only to discover her heart's not into becoming a lawyer . Ashleigh overspends on her credit card.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_15x19

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_15x19_0

UNDERWORLD BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part Three Running time: 22:21 [SCENE_BREAK] JACKSON: Right. Blast it. [SCENE_BREAK] TARN: Yes, I will immediately. Thank you, Master. (to Rask) Round up the slaves to watch the sacrifice. TARN: Gas! Shut down the gas! Fumigation! Shut down the fumigation! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I wonder where it all went? JACKSON: Did you find it? Did you find the way to the P7E? HERRICK: No, sir, but this man tried to kill me. Look at this. TALA: Who was he? HERRICK: I don't know, but the communicator kept calling him Officer Klimt. JACKSON: Looted from the P7E. [SCENE_BREAK] IDAS: Doctor? DOCTOR: Shush. LEELA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Hmm? LEELA: I found another weapon. DOCTOR: What? Good. LEELA: Well, we've got to protect ourselves somehow. DOCTOR: Hmm. IDAS: Are you, are you really from the stars? LEELA: Yes. IDAS: The stars really exist, then? LEELA: Of course they do. IDAS: And that is not the sky? LEELA: That is the roof. IDAS: Roof? LEELA: Yes. IDAS: Will you take me with you when you return to the stars? DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: No. DOCTOR: But we've got problems with the ship. IDAS: Ship? LEELA: Yes. With this, here. IDAS: Yes, your citadel. Yes, we have a citadel, too. DOCTOR: You do? IDAS: Yes. DOCTOR: Where is it? IDAS: It's where the Seers live, in metal rooms like this. It's where they hold the sacrifices. It's where my father is. DOCTOR: Could you take us there? IDAS: No. DOCTOR: Why not? IDAS: There's no time. DOCTOR: No time? Don't say that to me, I'm a Time Lord. Come on! LEELA: Do not worry. He has saved many fathers. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] ANKH: Slaves must see the sacrifice, to show them who rules. See to it, Tarn, or you will be next. TARN: Yes, Master. RASK: Make the most of these few moments, slave. Enjoy them to the full. They are your last. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I see. The Oracle tells the Seers. IDAS: And the Seers tell the guards, and the guards tell us. DOCTOR: Ah. LEELA: And you do the work? IDAS: Yes. LEELA: Revolution! Wait, Idas. Has no one ever thought of revolution? Has no one ever rebelled? IDAS: My father did. LEELA: And? DOCTOR: Shush, shush. K9: Ready. DOCTOR: Yes, good. Idas, K9 has made us a map of the tunnel. K9, find Jackson, bring him back here then follow us. Off you go. K9: Retrieve and follow. Affirmative. DOCTOR: Recognise that? IDAS: The Tree. We call it the Tree. DOCTOR: The Tree at the End of the World. Where are we? IDAS: Here. DOCTOR: Where's your father? I see. Can we get from there to there quickly? IDAS: No. DOCTOR: Why not? IDAS: It's forbidden. DOCTOR: Why? IDAS: It's guarded by invisible dragons. Not even the guards can use it, only Seers. They have special powers. DOCTOR: So do I, Idas. So do I. The Tree at the End of the World's always guarded by dragons. They're fire dragons, aren't they, with tongues of flame. LEELA: Do not worry. Come on. IDAS: No, Doctor. That's where the dragons live. DOCTOR: Really? We'll see if they're at home, shall we? Here, try that. DOCTOR: No, throw it, don't eat it. LEELA: Oh. DOCTOR: See the source? DOCTOR: Got it with that one? LEELA: Got it. DOCTOR: Give it a blast. DOCTOR: Now the door. DOCTOR: Phew. DOCTOR: In you go. LEELA: Oh, no. There's nothing there. DOCTOR: Yes, there is. LEELA: No, there isn't. DOCTOR: Yes, there is. Gravity. LEELA: Gravity makes things fall. DOCTOR: Towards the centre. This is the centre. Centre of the planet. Zero gravity, as in space. Watch. LEELA: Come on. How do we move? DOCTOR: Just push. LEELA: Just DOCTOR Push. DOCTOR: Ready? LEELA: Yes. DOCTOR: And push. They all push upwards with their arms.) DOCTOR: And push. DOCTOR: You all right, Idas? [SCENE_BREAK] TARN: Gate patrol! Alert! Alert! [SCENE_BREAK] ORACLE: Is the time right? ANKH: The time is right. ORACLE: Is the slave ready? ANKH: He is ready. ORACLE: And those who watch? ANKH: They are full of fear. ORACLE: Then shall not the sword ask its question? ANKH: It shall be done. ANKH: Let the Lamp of Life be lit. ANKH: Lamp, burn. ALL: Lamp, burn. ANKH: Sword, fall. ALL: Sword, fall. ANKH: Ask the question that hangs over all. ALL: Ask the question that hangs over all. [SCENE_BREAK] IDAS: And then the sword falls. LEELA: Why go to so much trouble? DOCTOR: Intimidation. The more ritual and mumbo-jumbo, the greater deterrent. That's the whole point of official sadism. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Faster. Imperative move faster. [SCENE_BREAK] RASK: Don't move! Throw down the weapon. DOCTOR: Throw it down. RASK: Move! [SCENE_BREAK] RASK: Inside! Just in time to follow your father. Move! [SCENE_BREAK] ANKH: Ask. RASK: The intruders, Master. Captured. ANKH: Bring them forward. RASK: In. ANKH: They too will answer the question of the sword. Continue. IDAS: No! ANKH: Kill him! Kill him! LEELA: Go! Come on. IDAS: Yes. DOCTOR: Into the tunnels! You'll never beat them here! LAKH: Kill her! ANKH: Kill them! DOCTOR: Into the tunnels. [SCENE_BREAK] RASK: Gate control! Breakout! Slaves! Stop them! [SCENE_BREAK] HERRICK: This is more like it! Come on! JACKSON: Herrick, come back! [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: They've got us on both sides. IDAS: We could try a rush. Well, we must do something. IDMON: We must, son. We must. [SCENE_BREAK] JACKSON: Cover him! [SCENE_BREAK] HERRICK: Hey! [SCENE_BREAK] JACKSON: Come on, Tala. Herrick? HERRICK: No, Captain. No, you go on. I've waited a long, long time for this. I'm not going to miss it now. Go back, Captain! Goodbye and good luck. JACKSON: Goodbye, Herrick. RASK: Good. Not dead yet. Take him inside for questioning. [SCENE_BREAK] NAIA: We are born, live and die in the tunnels, until now. LEELA: There is nothing else? NAIA: Nothing but the quota. This rock for the crushers. LEELA: Rock? NAIA: For fuel. For reprocessing into food so that we can go on working to get more rock. And then there are the skyfalls. IDMON: Yes. They say they're accidents, but they're not. They can't be. It's the way they keep our numbers down so there's just enough of us to do the work, and no more. IDAS: (holding a shield gun) If only we had more of these. JACKSON: (holding the sword) We can't use the shaft again. They'd wipe us out before we got to the bridge. Is there another way? IDAS: To the Tree? No. LEELA: Doctor, Naia says they eat rock. Processed rock. DOCTOR: Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Blackpool, hmm? If they process rock, they must take it in somewhere. Into the ship, the P7E, mustn't they? LEELA: Crushers. Naia said something about crushers. DOCTOR: Crushers. Yes. Yes, there must be another way. Tell me, why do you think Idas calls the tunnel system the Tree? LEELA: Why shouldn't he? Idas has never seen a tree, has he. Why would he call it a tree? DOCTOR: The Tree of Life. The race bank. The gift of immortality on the Tree of Life guarded by the dragon. LEELA: The Oracle? DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: Oh, that's just a myth, a story. DOCTOR: Ah, myths often have a grain of truth in them, if you know where to look. Everybody here, except us, comes from the same stock as Jackson and company. LEELA: The same stock? DOCTOR: Yes. How else do you think they got here on the middle of a new planet? LEELA: I don't know. DOCTOR: They're the descendents of the people who came on the P7E. Jackson's probably Idas' great-great-great-great-great-great- grandfather a few times back. LEELA: Great, great, great DOCTOR: Yes. Don't worry about it. LEELA: Great, great DOCTOR: There is another way into the Citadel, you know. JACKSON: The bridge'll be guarded. DOCTOR: But not the goods entrance. They still need fuel, don't they? And they need food and they need rock, and the rock has to be crushed somewhere. Isn't that wonderful? Bring that sword. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What do you think, Jackson? JACKSON: It must be done in silence, without giving them a chance to use their weapons. One shot and the alarms'll go and they'll know we're in. It's difficult. LEELA: But possible, if we can get behind them. JACKSON: Possible if we can get the maximum of surprise, and if the Doctor's plan works. DOCTOR: Well, it's not my plan exactly, but it has worked before. A fellow called Ulysses pulled it off a little while ago. JACKSON: Who? LEELA: Ulysses. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] LAKH: Where are you from? HERRICK: Minyos. ANKH: Liar. ANKH: Minyos was destroyed a hundred thousand years ago. LAKH: Where are you from? HERRICK: Minyos. ANKH: Liar! TARN: He tells the truth, Master. LAKH: Silence! We are the only survivors of Minyos. HERRICK: You? Never. ANKH: What do you seek here? Why have you come? HERRICK: I seek the future. TARN: There is more, Master. He is holding back. LAKH: What else? We can make your brain boil inside your skull. What else? HERRICK: There's no reason why you should not know. We are Minyans. We're in search of the cylinders containing the race bank. ANKH: Race bank? LAKH: What cylinders? HERRICK: The cylinders containing the genetic inheritance of the Minyan people. It was placed on board your ship, the P7E. ANKH: You are mistaken. LAKH: He is lying. More. TARN: There is no more, Master. He speaks the truth. HERRICK: The Quest. The Quest. ANKH: This is not a ship. Not your P7E. And there is no such thing as this race bank you describe. HERRICK: If you were Minyans, LAKH: The guards and slaves are the only people of true Minyan descent. We have evolved far beyond them. HERRICK: Then who are you? ANKH: The servants of the Oracle. Seers of the realm of Hedas. [SCENE_BREAK] IDMON: The crusher!

Capturing the Doctor and Leela, the citadel guards are quite pleased to have more subjects for their public executions, but it only fires up a Trog revolt instead.

fd_FRIENDS_01x19

fd_FRIENDS_01x19_0

Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz. Transcribed by guineapig. [NOTE: The credits list two characters, Tia and Samantha, who I assume are the sweaty women Joey and Chandler meet. However, I don't know which is which, so I've simply called them Woman #1 and Woman #2.] [Pre-intro scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a customer] Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? [Guy shakes his head] Okay. [Intro] [Scene 1: Central Perk. Monica enters with some mail] Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven. Rachel: Thank you. [Examines it] Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee! Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any? Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great. Monica: What is it? Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration'. Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy! Monica: Barry who you almost-? Rachel: Barry who I almost. Monica: And Mindy, your maid of-? Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh! Monica: [Takes it] That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. [Sees Rachel's look] Lucky. To have had a friend like you. [Scene 2: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are eating Chinese] Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. [Marcel brings the rice] Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. [Rachel ignores him] 'Bring me the' and- Rach? Rachel: What? Ross: Hi. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them. Ross: Really. Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody. Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, pen1s embargo? Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw- animal- sexual- Ross: Waitwait. I, I got it. I was there. Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl? Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could- could curl your toes, might just be the one who... [Enter the other four] Monica: Hi. Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi! Rachel: Hi, how was the movie? Monica: Wonderful! Phoebe: So good! Joey: Suck-fest. Chandler: Toootal chick-flick. Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast... Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity. Monica: There was nudity! Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking. Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant! Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon! We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are. Chandler: They're still just friends, right? Rachel: [To Marcel] And I will see you tomorrow! Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you. Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this? Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be there. [Scene 3: The guys at Joe-G's Pizza] Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this discussion. Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief. Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already? Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me. Joey: She really said that? Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight. Joey: 'Tonight' tonight? Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey... Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey. Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her. Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used. [Cut to Rachel taking care of Marcel. They are watching a soap opera] Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. Okay- [Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe] Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? [Takes the shoe into the kitchen] Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! [She notices the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut] Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. [She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs back in] Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- [Looks down and notices he is missing] Marcel? Marc- [Notices the open door] [Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel's] Joey: How could you lose him? Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe- Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one? Rachel: I don't know. The left one. Monica: Which ones? Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything. Phoebe: [Entering] Hey. All: Hi. Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative? Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel. Phoebe: Oh no, how? Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe. Phoebe: Which one? Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time. Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky... Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do? Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room. Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kill me! Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth. Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do? Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you. [They all leave] Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh... [Cut to Monica and Phoebe knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges] Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want? Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it? Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it? Monica: No! Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall? Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it. Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey? Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once... Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. [They move off] Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle. Rachel: [On the phone] Okay, he's a, he's a black capuchian monkey with a white face... [Enter Ross] ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks. Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today? Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine? Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some? Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark? Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run something by you. Y'know how we were, uh, y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff? [Uncorks the wine] Well- Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this. Ross: Okay, quick and painful. [Starts to cork the wine] Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. Ross, please don't hate me. Ross: Oh, what? Whatwhat? Rachel: Y'know Marcel? Ross: ...Yeah? Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him. [Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge] [Commercial] [Same scene] Ross: [Angry] I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment. Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry- Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a pencil. Rachel: [Tearfully] Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- [Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it] Oh! Who is it? Intercom: Animal Control. Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control! Ross: You called Animal Control? Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them? Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me. Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever told us that... Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment! [A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it] Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming. Luisa [Animal Control]: Somebody called about a monkey? Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! [Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light] Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't. Rachel: Turned out it was a hat. Ross: Cat! Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat! [Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in] Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel. Luisa: Marcel? Ross: My uncle Marcel. Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named after? Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal? Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail? Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time! Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller. Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green! Rachel: Yeah! Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room! Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa! Monica: The Luisa from home room! Rachel: Yes!! Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you. Monica: No, none at all. Rachel: None. Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'? Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry! Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. [To Rachel] But you? What a bitch! Rachel: What?! Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats? Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. [Leaves] Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry. [Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing] Chandler: Marcel? Joey: Marcel? Chandler: Marcel? Joey: Marcel? [They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges] Woman #1: Hi, can I help you? [Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment] Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and we- we were looking for something... Joey: A monkey. Chandler: Yes have you seen any? Woman #1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators? Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way? Woman #1: Of course. Joey: Oh. Then, no. [Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend] Woman #2: Did I put too much rum in here? [Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances] Woman #1: Just a sec. [To Chandler and Joey] Hope you find your monkey. [She starts to shut the door] Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu. Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here? Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot. Joey: We can't, alright? [To the women] We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out. [The women quickly shut the door] Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people. Joey: Marcel? Chandler: Marcel?! [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement] Phoebe: Marcel? Monica: Marcel? Phoebe: Marcel? Both: Marcel? Phoebe: OhmyGod! Monica: Whaaat! Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg! Monica: What is it? Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg. [Marcel makes a monkeyish noise- he is sitting in the corner] Monica: Look, Phoebe! Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere! [Luisa appears on the stairs] Luisa: Step aside, ladies! [She loads a gun] Monica: What're you gonna do? Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser. [In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gun] Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! [Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe] Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! [She notices the tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and removes it] Huh. [Sways back] Whoah. Monica: Oh gosh. [Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside] Ross: Marcel? Rachel: Marcel? Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone. Rachel: Ross, you don't know that. Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. [Kicks a sign in frustration] And now I have a broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much. Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. [Kicks the sign] Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy now?! Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I don't miss Marcel any more! Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose. Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings... Rachel: Ross. Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just- Rachel: Ross. Ross: Oh, forget it, okay? Rachel: Ross! Ross: What? What? [A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him] Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman! [Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles' door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on the door] Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea. [Mr. Heckles opens the door] Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas? Mr. Heckles: What about it? Ross: Gimme back my monkey. Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey. Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas? Mr. Heckles: Potassium. [There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment] Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel? [Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps] Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him? Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey. Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. [Marcel starts to go to him] Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. [Marcel turns round] Ross: C'mere, Marcel. [Turns to Ross] Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. [Turns to Mr. Heckles] Luisa: [Out of shot] Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! [Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut] Gotcha. Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back. Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with the judge. Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever. Ross: Alright, I want my monkey. Luisa: No! Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa! Luisa: Sorry, prom queen. Ross: [To Rachel] You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat. Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it! Luisa: Nope. Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart? [Scene 5: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel] Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. [Marcel resists] Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine. Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit. Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, it's just I- Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost your- Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape? Rachel: That'd be good. Ross: Alright. [He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised] The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. [He sits down and starts to pour the wine] Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um- [Barry bursts in] Barry: Rachel. Rachel: Barry?! Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you. Ross and Rachel: Oh! Ross: We have got to start locking that door! [Credits] [Credits scene: the other four in Central Perk. They are looking through Monica's high school yearbook] Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids? Phoebe: Nope. Monica: That's because I'm in front of them. Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp. Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time. Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just four years of parties and dating and s*x. Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any s*x I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice. Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago? Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! [She stands up and starts to dance around] Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!

Rachel is depressed after reading that Barry and Mindy are engaged. The gang frantically searches for Marcel, who slipped out of the apartment while Rachel was watching him. Rachel, unaware Marcel is an illegal exotic pet, calls Animal Control, angering Ross. The animal control officer is Rachel and Monica's old high school classmate who has a long-standing grudge against Rachel, who has no memory of her. She refuses to release Marcel until Rachel threatens to report her for accidentally shooting Phoebe with a tranquilizer dart. After, Ross finds the courage to romantically pursue Rachel but Barry, Rachel's ex-fiance, barges in declaring he still loves her.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x02

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x02_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] Narrator: Previously on CSI: [Scenes from 4X01: Assume Nothing] [INT. CSI - CONFERENCE ROOM] (GRISSOM goes over the case and evidence with the team.) [GRISSOM] (Cut to: The HUSBAND has the knife against the WIFE'S neck while a gun is held to the back of his neck.) Grissom: You got a husband-and-wife serial team killing couples. [CATHERINE] Catherine: Mr. Dominguez was forced to kill his wife for the promise of freedom. (Cut to: Scenes of: * The knife against ALICE DOMINGEZ' throat. * Cameron and Mandy Klinefeld hold gun to MR. DOMINGUEZ' back as they walk toward his car.) [SARA] Sara: They were never going to let him go. (CAMERON KLINEFELD knocks MR. LAGGERMAN out and MANDY KLINEFELD cuts his throat and her hand with the knife.) [KENNY RICHMOND with NICK] Kenny Richmond (valet): Murder central? (Scenes of: * MR. LAGGERMAN in the ice machine * WENDY LAGGERMAN with her throat cut in the motel room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [JUDGE SLATER'S COURTROOM] (BRASS and GRISSOM talk with the Court Clerk.) (Scenes of: * CAMERON and MANDY KLINEFLED in the casino * SARA picks up the knife from the floor of the back seat of the SUV.) Brass: We are this close to busting a pair of serial killers, and the judge won't issue a warrant? Stuart Gardner (court clerk): Hey, I'm just the messenger. [SCENE_BREAK] [JUDGE SLATER'S OFFICE] Judge Slater: The affidavit is standing. Grissom: You've signed warrants for less. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOTEL - CABANA -- DAY] Cameron Klinefeld: "Love is not love". Grissom: Love is conditional. Cameron Klinefeld: For most people. Grissom: But not for you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (NICK reviews the security video with CATHERINE.) Nick: Then she stuck her tongue in this jerk. (Cut to: CATHERINE kneels over the body on the table to get a swab sample.) Catherine: Rifkin's ear -- chances are she stuck it in Mr. Dominguez's ear, too. (Quick CGI POV of the swab in the ear.) Grissom: Should get a warrant. [SCENE_BREAK] (Scenes of: * The Rifkins and the Klinefelds passing lime wedges between them. * GRISSOM scoops up bloodied ice from the ice machine.) [INT. KLINEFELD'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] Brass: Mr. and Mrs. Klinefeld, Las Vegas police. (BRASS walks into the KLINEFELD'S residence and finds MANDY KLINEFLED dead.) Brass: We got a problem. Somebody got to our killers before we did. (GRISSOM walks into another room and finds CAMERON KLINEFELD dead with a bullet in his chest.) WHITE FLASH TO END OF PREVIOUSLY ON (Quick CGI POV of: Deep within the bullet wound track, the camera twists around and backs up out from the wound to show CAMERON KLINEFELD dead.) [INT. KLINEFELD RESIDENCE -- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS looks down at MANDY KLINEFELD on the ground. He pulls out his weapon.) Brass: Are you carrying? Grissom: (looking around) No. Brass: Then get the hell out of here while I secure the room. (GRISSOM backs out of the room and steps out of the house.) (BRASS starts moving from room to room to check if anyone is there. He walks down the hallway. He checks the room. He goes to the back of the house. He checks the back rooms.) (He doesn't find anyone.) Brass: (V.O.) (to phone) This is Brass. [SCENE_BREAK] [STAIRS TO GROUND FLOOR] (BRASS walks down the stairs to the ground floor.) Brass: (to phone) Yeah. I'm at 11546 Blackbird lane. Got two gunshot victims. Send rescue. There's no rush. (He hangs up the phone and walks out of the house to join GRISSOM. GRISSOM stands on the front watching a couple of men leaning on their car.) Grissom: Are those your guys? Brass: Yeah, they're UC. Grissom: How long they been sitting on the house? Brass: Oh, about the time that Judge Slater didn't sign the first warrant. Grissom: Two undercover guys outside. Two dead bodies inside. Brass: Makes you feel a little paranoid, huh? Grissom: Not paranoid enough. SMASH CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KLINEFELD RESIDENCE -- DAY] (The CORONER'S van drives up the road and pulls over to the side. DAVID gets out of the vehicle and heads toward the house.) (Across the road, GRISSOM and BRASS question the two Undercover officers assigned to keep an eye on the KLINEFELD'S.) Bill Nowlins: All right, Captain. What do you want to know. Brass: So, you guys been here the whole time? Bill Nowlins: Almost. Brass: What happened? Bill Nowlins: Tell him. Jesse Commons: Around 7:00, there was a 444 call ... (Quick flashback to: [THAT NIGHT] The two officers are in their cars when they hear the dispatch over the radio.) Dispatch: (over radio) ... citizen reports officer down. 2529 Harmon Hill. All units in the vicinity respond. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Bill Nowlins: We met up with a couple black-and-whites. U.T.L. Grissom: W ... what is that? Brass: Unable to locate. Jesse Commons: False alarm. We came right back. Observed no activity in the house until you guys got here. Grissom: You know we're going to need to see your guns. Jesse Commons: Why would we off two scumbags when we know you're coming back with a warrant? Grissom: It wasn't a question. Jesse Commons: And you're not my supervisor. Brass: I am. I want your gun. Give me your gun. (The two OFFICERS gives BRASS their guns. He checks the number of bullets in the clips.) Brass: (to a third officer on the side) Hey, help me out here. (BRASS hands the weapons over to the third officer.) Brass: (sighs) And your backups, too. Bill Nowlins: Come on. (They reach down into their boots and remove their back up guns as well.) Bill Nowlins: Satisfied? Brass: Just doing my job. (He hands the weapons to the officer on the side.) Brass: (to the third officer) Here you go. (to the undercover cops) Fellas, check out the back. (he motions them forward) Okay? Let's go. (GRISSOM remains behind and watches BRASS walk with the two OFFICERS across the road. NICK and WARRICK arrive in their SUV.) (They get out of the car.) Nick: These our serials? Grissom: So it seems. (They turn and head toward the house.) Grissom: Yesterday's suspects. Today's victims. Nick: We had 'em ... (GRISSOM motions for NICK to walk into the house.) Grissom: Take the inside. (NICK enters the house. GRISSOM and WARRICK linger in the doorway to look at the door.) Warrick: No sign of forced entry ... on this door, at least. (GRISSOM turns and watches BRASS check the weapons in the van.) Grissom: (to WARRICK) Print the handle. Warrick: Yeah. [INT. KLINEFELD RESIDENCE - DAY] (GRISOM walks into the residence while WARRICK remains behind with the door.) (He continues to walk into the next room where NICK has found something. He has his kit on the floor, is kneeling down next to it and putting on his gloves.) (NICK picks up a sample of something on the floor near the body. He holds it up for GRISSOM to look at.) Nick: What do you think? (Camera zooms in for a close up. Resume to normal.) Grissom: I don't know what that is. Make sure you get al though. You see any cartridge casings? Nick: Not yet. (GRISSOM turns and heads for MANDY KLINEFELD'S body. DAVID PHILLIPS has just put in the thermometer to get a time of death.) (He gets a reading while GRISSOM walks up to him.) David Phillips: 85.5. (GRISSOM looks at his watch. It reads 7:06a.) Grissom: So T.O.D. was about 11:00 P.M. (Cut to: WARRICK dusts the door handle.) (Cut to: NICK tests the swab for blood.) (Cut to: GRISSOM takes pictures of MANDY KLINEFELD'S body.) Nick: Grissom, I've got blood, but ... a lot of pheno-negative stains as well. Grissom: We're going to bring everything back. (GRISSOM checks out the utility room and finds towels from The Sphere on the washing machine.) (Cut to: WARRICK prepares to take a shoe print off of a newspaper on the floor.) Nick: (o.s.) Hey, Dave, let's run a tox screen on both d.b.'s okay? (NICK takes off his gloves and walks into the room that WARRICK'S in.) Nick: What do you got, Rick? Warrick: If the killer went out the back door, this may be his print. (Quick camera close up of the print being lifted to the sheet. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM joins them in the room.) Warrick: Good thing Brass had cops watching the house. Grissom: Linens and towels from The Sphere on top of the washing machine, and what I believe to be sheets from the motel inside the dryer. Both positive presumptive for blood. Nick: Think they were being smart taking the sheets, or did they just get off sleeping on 'em? Warrick: Either way, they were sick and dangerous. Grissom: What does that say about whoever killed them? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KLINEFELD'S RESIDENCE -- DAY] (BRASS has finished checking the weapons. The two officers put in their two cents about the murder in the house.) Jesse Commons: Wh-what's the big deal? There's no humans involved. Bill Nowlins: I mean, look, Captain. Come on. The way I see it, somebody did us a favor. Brass: Yeah. Bill Nowlins: They're dead. Case is closed. Brass: Hey, this isn't a favor, Bill. This is a screw-up. Bill Nowlins: Would've been a lot bigger screw-up if ... if we didn't break surveillance and had an officer down four blocks away. Brass: All right, what else did you see? Jesse Commons: Kid in that house made us. Thought we were bad news. Brass: You are bad news. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. RESIDENCE -- DAY] (SARA gets out of the SUV.) Sara: I can't believe Grissom pulled us off that serial murder case. Catherine: Yeah, well, let me tell you how it ends. They die. (They both head toward the house.) Catherine: Whoa, this isn't half bad for college kids. Sara: Yeah. Why live in a one-room flea bag when you can pool your resources and live like this. Catherine: Hey, how 'bout it: You, me, Warrick, Nick, Grissom ... Sara: (shakes her head) Oh, nnn ... Not Grissom. (They walk into the house.) [INT. HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (The first floor ceiling is completely soaked through. It looks as if it's raining on the inside.) Catherine: What the hell is this? Officer: Ma'am, you may want to take one of these. (He hands them an open umbrella.) Sara: Thank you. Catherine: Thanks. Where's the body? Officer: Upstairs. Sara: Upstairs? Officer: Yes. (They get a good look at the first floor and the entire ceiling is leaking.) Catherine: It's raining man juice? Sara: Hallelujah? Officer: You might want to wear those. (The OFFICER puts two pairs of rubber boots down on the floor in front of their feet.) Sara: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [STAIRS - CONTINUOUS] (SARA folds up the umbrella and shakes it.) Sara: Well, weather's clearing. Catherine: Yeah, if only the smell would. Sara: Yep. (CATHERINE looks around and sighs.) Catherine: It's like a sewer in here. (They reach the first bedroom doorway and the bedroom is completely flooded. They make their way toward the bathroom.) [INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS] (SARA'S the first to see it. There's a dead body floating in the tub completely bloated. SGT. O'RILEY stands next to the tub.) Sara: Oh, my goodness. (CATHERINE steps to the doorway and sees the body.) Catherine: Oh, god. O'Riley: Soup's on. Catherine: How long has he been in here? O'Riley: Roommates last saw him Thursday night. Took off for the weekend. Came home to this. Sara: Guy goes to take a shower and DFOs. He never got to the cold water, did he? O'Riley: Roommate said only the hot water faucet was on. Sara: Must've been a steam bath in here. O'Riley: Still is. Catherine: Well, any evidence on the floor's been washed away. Sara: There, uh ... (clears throat): Could be something in the tub. Catherine: We got to take that body and get it through that door. Sara: There's another option. (SARA looks at the bathroom window.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] Caller (man): (V.O.) (recording) I'm at the corner of Harmon Hill and 25th, just east of the intersection. ... [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DISPATCH -- DAY] (WARRICK is at dispatch collecting the recording.) Caller (man): (recording) There's been a shooting. I think a cop got shot. John, oh ... just occurred. I heard the shots. Jen: I received the call and issued the 444. Uniforms called back a few minutes later, said they checked the area, said it was a U.T.L. You want to hear that? Warrick: I'll hear it when you give me a dub of the original caller's voice ... and his phone number. Jen: (smiles) I can get that for you right now. (JEN works on the computer and gets the results: Telephone Number Identified: Loc: Harmon Hill/25th.) Warrick: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KLINEFELD'S RESIDENCE -- DAY] (GRISSOM checks his phone message: GRIS. GOT THE 911 CALLER'S NUMBER: 555-0187.W. ) (GRISSOM dials. He walks over to the two officers waiting for the phone to ring. He can hear his phone ring, but not the receiving phone.) Jesse Commons: (o.s.) I'm sick of this lock-down, man. Bill Nowlins: Head's up. Jesse Commons: Are we done? Grissom: If I'm not done, you're not done. Jesse Commons: We already gave you our footprints, and our fingerprints are on file, so what else do you need? Grissom: Which way is Harmon Hill? (BILL NOWLINS points. GRISSOM heads in that direction. When he gets just a short distance away, he hears a cell phone ring.) (Off in the bushes to the side of the walkway, under the brush, GRISSOM finds the phone. He takes out a pair of gloves and picks it up.) (The something catches his eye. He sees a large number of ants near a puddle of liquid on the sidewalk. He takes out a swab and takes a sample of the liquid.) (GRISSOM stands up and looks around. He sees the two officers talking with each other near the van and he sees BRASS interviewing the next door neighbor's kid, BRADLEY.) Brass: So, Bradley, you saw our police officer at that door? Bradley: Yeah ... and I was watching these guys all night. See, the two bad guys drove away in the van, and then the policeman showed up, knocked on the door. Mr. Klinefeld let him in ... but he never came back out. Brass: Did you see a police car? Bradley: Must've walked here. Brass: Did you hear any gunshots? Bradley: Nope. Brass: Okay, thanks, Bradley. Good job. Bradley: No problem. (BRADLEY and his mom leave.) Brass: Ever see a beat cop anywhere but the strip? Grissom: And how'd he beat us to the killer? [SCENE_BREAK] (Quick CGI POV of: Bits of plastic in flesh. The camera pulls back to show the forceps -pull out a piece of plastic from the flesh ... from the bullet wound ...) (End of CGI POV. Resume to Present.) [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (ROBBINS goes over his findings with GRISSOM.) Robbins: Trace evidence. Definitely doesn't belong in the wound track. Did your guy get shot through a window? Grissom: No. We found a lot of this material at the crime scene. Robbins: Absence of gunshot residue. Grissom: Maybe he was shot through some sort of object. Robbins: Well, Mr. Klinefeld was shot once in the front and Mrs. Klinefeld once in the back. (Quick flashback of: CAMERON KLINEFELD gets shot. MANDY KLINEFELD stands up and starts running for the door. She doesn't make it and gets shot in the back.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Robbins: Dare I say the couple that slays together, lays together? (They turn to look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BATHROOM - DAY] (The body of the college student is wrapped and on a platform. The WORKERS there lift and carry the body through the bathroom window and onto a platform on the roof.) (CATHERINE and SARA work at scooping the remains out of the bathtub.) (Several dissolves of CATHERINE scooping the remains out of the bathtub.) Catherine: (checking the drain) This drain hasn't been tampered with. It's just clogged. I think this is an accidental. Sara: (looking at the medicine cabinet) There's nothing but young people stuff. No meds, except some aspirin. No prescriptions. Catherine: Well, I don't think that means much. Chances are he's not getting his drugs from a medicine cabinet. Sara: There's no sign of struggle. Any prints would have been washed away. Where does that leave us? Catherine: Same place we were when we walked through the door -- with a bloated floater. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (NICK looks at the pieces of plastic that he picked up from the KLINEFELD'S carpet. WARRICK leans on the other side of the table.) Nick: Hey, you know that cell phone Grissom found at the crime scene? Warrick: Yeah. Nick: Traced it back to a Public Defender. Said she lost it. Made life hell for her while she was in DC. Warrick: Mm ... have you run a sample of this through the GCMS? Nick: Mm-hmm. Polyethylene. Warrick: Polyethylene. I got the results back from Grissom's ant puddle. Nick: mm-hmm. Warrick: Corn syrup, glucose, caramel and water. Nick: Hang on a second. (NICK stands up and walks into the other lab.) Nick: Where do you keep the sodium rhodizinate? Warrick: On top of the file cabinet. (NICK goes over to the cabinet. WARRICK turns to RICH sitting in the room behind the table.) (CC) Warrick: So, what's up? You and Bobby switched or what? Warrick: Hey, Rich, whatever happened with those bullets? (RICH looks up at WARRICK.) Rich: Six right nine-millimeter. Beretta, amongst others. Consistent with an officer's duty weapon. Warrick: Consistent with officer commons and Officer Nowlin's weapons? Rich: No match. That includes backups. Warrick: Well, thanks. (WARRICK returns to his table.) Nick: Hey, Warrick. Warrick: Yeah? Nick: Polyethylene plus corn syrup plus GSR gives you what? Warrick: Polyethylene and corn syrup is... cola in a bottle. Nick: GSR on the inside of a plastic bottle means ... Rich: Soda silencer. (Quick POV of: Person holding a gun and putting an empty plastic bottle at the end of the barrel. He fires. End of Quick POV. Resume to present.) Nick: Poor man's silencer. Only good for a couple shots. Warrick: So, that shooter was sitting on the house and the surveillance team. (Quick flashback to: That night, the killer empties out the soda, makes the call and waits for the van to leave.) Warrick: (V.O.) Empties out his bottle of soda... calls in an "officer down" ... ...drops the phone and takes a walk. (The killer walks over to the house.) (End of flashback. Resume to next scene.) (NICK and WARRICK share their theory with GRISSOM.) Nick: What do you think? Grissom: Who do we have around here that could find us a somewhat used soda bottle? (They all look at each other, then they turn and look back at GREG who's working quietly in the next lab behind them. He looks up and finds them staring at him.) (what?) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KLINEFELD'S RESIDENCE -- DAY] (GREG opens the sliding door and walks out of the house to the officer standing guard out back. He puts on a pair of gloves and looks around.) (Cut to: GREG walks around the side of the house and through the gate. He checks out the walk and checks the storm drain.) (Cut to: GREG finishes checking the side of the house.) INTERCUT WITH VARIOUS LAB SHOTS [NICK] (NICK is in the print lab working on the electrostatic shoe print taken from the newspaper on the floor. He compares the prints to the officer's shoes. No match.) (NICK opens the flatbed scanner and scans the print into the computer. He looks at the print on the monitor.) [GREG] (Cut back to: GREG puts the bags of garbage back into the trash bin. He closes the two trash bins and looks down the sidewalk.) (Cut to: As he takes a walk down the front street of the house, he looks around.) [NICK] (Cut to: NICK works on the shoe print on the computer. He checks the density levels of the print. On screen, he separates out the different impressions left at different density levels.) [GREG] (Cut back to: GREG turns the corner and starts down the second street.) (Several dissolves of: Greg gets tired. GREG jumps up and looks over the concrete block fence.) (Finally, GREG notices the storm drain. He lies flat on the road to check inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (SARA is in the lab examining the shirt. She flips the shirt inside out and takes a picture of it. She puts a sheet of plastic over the shirt and makes an outline of the void impression.) (CATHERINE walks into the lab.) Catherine: Hey. Sara: Floater's shirt. Took it off his bed. What does this look like to you? Catherine: A backwards seven. Sara: Yeah, that's what I got. What's it doing on a DB's shirt? Catherine: I don't know. (She lifts up the plastic and touches the smudges on the shirt. She rubs her fingertips together.) Catherine: Some kind of greasepaint or makeup. Sara: How do you get paint on the inside of your clothes? Catherine: Rubs off your chest. Oh, what kind of guy paints his chest? Sara: Performance artist? A clown maybe? Catherine: (smiling) Sports freak. (SARA squints back at CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (GRISSOM and BRASS walk through the hallway discussing the case.) Brass: Well, it's not like you to have a one-track mind. Grissom: If the evidence points to cops, we chase cops. Brass: Jesse Commons and Bill Nowlin were doing what I asked them to do. They were sitting on the house. Until you can get enough physical evidence to support a warrant. Grissom: Somebody knew we were looking at the Klinefelds. They knew where they lived. That's somebody inside. Brass: Cops don't take the law into their own hands. Grissom: Ha! In what city? (They turn and walk into GRISSOM'S office.) Brass: Oh, you want to hit below the belt? You know, a lot of people had access to the Klinefelds. Who knows, maybe CSI III, Nicky Stokes opened up his mouth to another parking lot attendant. (GRISSOM's silent for a moment.) Grissom: There was an eyewitness who saw a uniform at the front door. Brass: Oh, come on, a ten-year-old insomniac kid, hyped up on sugar, going blind on x-box. Who knows what he saw? Grissom: So, now you're discrediting your own witness? Brass: All right, let's break it down. You got a public defender's cell phone, no prints. You got officers' weapons taken from the scene, not fired. You got officers' shoe prints, not matching the evidence print. You got three black-and-whites confirming that Commons and Nowlin responded to a 444. Give these guys a break. Grissom: Just because they weren't the shooters doesn't mean they weren't involved. Brass: Oh, what, so it's a conspiracy? Grissom: Oh, please! You got a bogus 444 call two blocks away. Brass: Oh, come on, you know the deal. You know better than that. There's bogus calls come in every day. Well, maybe you don't, because you're the kind of guy who goes to serve a warrant without a gun. Grissom: I'm not a cop. Brass: Well, that's a distinction that could be lost when the suspect's still inside the house. Look, I had your back. Now I expect you to have mine. Grissom: That's not the way it works. Brass: In what city? (GREG walks up to the office and into the doorway. He interrupts the argument.) Greg: Hey, guys? I found something. Grissom: Not now. Greg: No. You need to see this. Both of you. Now! (beat) Greg: Please. (GREG turns and leaves the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (The men stare at an officer's uniform.) (Both BRASS and GRISSOM are usually quiet as they stare at the shirt. Everything about it looks very authentic.) (GREG looks from GRISSOM to BRASS, then back to GRISSOM.) Greg: Sorry I didn't find the soda bottle. Grissom: This'll do. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRACE LAB -- DAY] (BRASS examines the uniform and makes note of certain things.) Brass: Star-1 uniforms. It's the biggest uniform shop in town. From casino dealers to cops. Shirt's wet. Greg: I found it in a storm drain. Grissom: Where exactly? Greg: Two blocks west of the house. Brass: (notes) Opposite direction from the 444. (BRASS looks over the shirt.) Brass: uh ... Buttons. Grissom: Meaning? Brass: All the new uniforms have zippers. (GRISSOM reaches out and checks the uniform collar.) Grissom: This collar's dry. It's hot out -- at least a buck twenty-five. Brass: Let's hope whoever was wearing that shirt sweats. (BRASS touches the badge.) Brass: The badge looks legit. I'll run the number. (He turns and leaves the lab.) (GRISSOM looks at GREG.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Camera opens on a green brain in a metal dish on the cart next to the table. ROBBINS goes over the findings with CATHERINE and SARA.) Robbins: Roommates were unable to make a positive ID due to the accelerated decomposition, but dental records confirmed Daniel O'Hannissey. Laceration on the forehead -- macerated, but not significant. Contusion with a small laceration ... here, below the ear. That did some damage. There's an obvious hematoma in the subdural space consistent with a subdural bleed. Herniation of the uncinate process on the same side. Sara: Doc, uh, why is his brain green? Robbins: He was steamed. Turns the brain into lime gelatin. Catherine: Cause of death? Robbins: Ruled out drowning. There was no water in the lungs. He was dead before he hit the water. So, you are looking at it -- a blow to the back of the head. Resulted in a subdural hematoma. Sort of like a slow leak in a tire. Catherine: A slow leak in a tire? Robbins: Odds are Danny had no idea he was bleeding in his brain. He probably felt fine. Maybe a little woozy. Then out of nowhere, he drops. Sara: How long do you think he lived after the blow? Robbins: 12 to 24 hours. Catherine: Well, he had to have been in the water for a couple of days to look like this. Roommates last saw him Thursday. So I guess we start there and we work backwards. Thanks. Robbins: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM question OFFICER FROMANSKY.) Fromansky: I lost my badge years ago. Filed a report. Got issued a new one. Brass: Yeah, I'm aware of officers "losing" their badges. Fromansky: Then we don't have a problem, do we? Brass: No, we got a problem 'cause your badge was found in the proximity of a crime scene. Grissom: How'd you manage to lose your badge? Fromansky: Such is life. Grissom: That's not the answer I was hoping for. Brass: I've been looking at your jacket. Reads like a novel. You got a lot of entries in here. You got, uh ... beat-and-release. You got some stick therapy. What's up with this? Fromansky: Show me a cop without a few entries in his jacket, I'll show you a pogue. Grissom: You referring to me? Fromansky: Guys like you get to sit on your ass behind a desk because guys like me are out there doing the real work. Brass: (sighs) Okay, tough guy, tell me what you know. Fromansky: I lost my badge. End of story. (GRISSOM reaches for a swab on the desk and starts to stand up.) Fromansky: If I ever find the guy that stole it, be--... (He stops when he realizes that GRISSOM has a swab in his hand.) Fromansky: I want my union rep. Brass: I'm it. Fromansky: I want somebody impartial. Brass: Well, I was impartial. Now open up. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (GRISSOM rushes through the hallway to the DNA lab. He's carrying the bagged swab. NICK and GREG are talking.) Nick: You went for a bottle and found a shirt? Grissom: (interrupting) This swab is your new priority. Greg: I was just filling Nick in... Grissom: Fill me in first. The sweat stain? Greg: Uh, I was just getting started. I can do them both together. (He turns to NICK.) Grissom: The shoe print? Nick: Running it through limbic. Grissom: How can you be doing that when you're standing here? (GRISSOM turns and walks into the audio/visual lab. WARRICK is going through the call.) Caller (man): (on tape) I'm at the corner of Harmon Hill and 25th. Just east of the intersection. There's been a shooting. I think a cop got shot. John, oh ... just occurred. I heard shots. Grissom: Where are we? Warrick: Check it out. (WARRICK plays it again to show GRISSOM what he's found so far.) Caller (man): (on tape) I think a cop got shot. John, oh ... just occurred. I heard shots. Warrick: I have never heard a citizen that calm. This 911 caller knew the drill. He's using Officers code. 'J' becomes john. 'O' becomes ocean. J.O.-- Just occurred. Grissom: Old habits die hard. Warrick: I'm only halfway home. I need a voice exemplar. Did you get a name off that badge? Grissom: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOUSE -- DAY] (CATHERINE and SARA interview DANIEL'S ROOMMATE.) Roommate: You know, Daniel was from Green Bay. Big-time diehard football fan. He tried to walk-on here, but, uh ... didn't make the team. But, hey, come game night, he was always at the stadium. Catherine: What about the away games? Roommate: He watched one game at home and lost all of his chill privileges. It was ugly. Catherine: Define ugly. Roommate: Busted the couch, jumping on it. Neighbors called the cops 'cause he was so loud. He was a real bluto. Sara: Where else did he 'bluto'? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BAR] (CATHEIRNE and SARA interview the WAITRESS.) Waitress: Everybody knew Dan-O. He's the kind of guy that keeps a place like this in business. I'm going to miss him. Sara: When was the last time you saw him? Waitress: When was the last rebel game? Thursday. Catherine: Did you notice anything? Did he ...feel okay? Waitress: Better than okay. He was pumped. He was so pumped that him and some of his buddies got into it with some other guys. Sara: Wh-what do you mean? He started a fight? Waitress: No, Shirley Temple started the fight. (Quick flashback to the bar that night. DANIEL O'HANNISSEY is getting into the game at the bar.) Daniel O'Hannissey: Right there! Right there! WOO! (He motions for the WAITRESS.) Daniel O'Hannissey: Hey, see those four guys down there? Give them four Shirley Temples. Shirley temples -- extra cherries. Keep the change. (He hands her a large bill.) (Cut to: The WAITRESS delivers the drinks.) Waitress: Shirley temples all around. (WAYNE and the guys look to see who's delivering the slight.) Daniel O'Hannissey: Hey, Wayne, those are for you, buddy. Those are for you and your boys. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: How did Shirley take it? Waitress: Not so good. (Quick flashback to: WAYNE is right behind DANIEL O'HANNISSEY.) Wayne: Come here, tough guy. (Suddenly there's some action on the monitor. DANIEL O'HANNISSEY turns around to cheer.) Daniel O'Hannissey: Yeah! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Waitress: You know how guys are. They scrap until someone gets a touchdown. Sara: Yeah. Yeah, right. Catherine: Do you see any of those guys in here now? (The WAITRESS looks around the bar.) Waitress: There's a couple of Shirleys over there by the big screen. (CATHERINE and SARA look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] Brown: (V.O.) Jen, I need a sample of Fromansky's voice. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DISPATCH - NIGHT] (WARRICK is back at dispatch.) Jen: (flirting) What's it worth to you? (WARRICK chuckles.) Warrick: Drinks? Jen: I don't think you understand. (She flicks the player switch on.) Fromansky: (on tape) Officer in pursuit of late-model Honda civic. Possibly stolen. Heading northbound on Koval Lane. (She clicks the tape off.) Warrick: Hold on. (WARRICK reaches out to stop her. She grabs his hand.) Jen: Now, I've got three full minutes of Officer Fromansky here. I was thinking of maybe taking it to the dispatch convention. Warrick: Oh, no, no. Okay, okay. Drinks at my place. Jen: I can make that dub for you. What time? (WARRICK laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PARKING LOT] (GRISSOM walks to his car and gets in. He starts the engine and backs up out of the stall. OFFICER FROMANSKY appears near his open window, a hand on his car door. GRISSOM hits the brakes.) Fromansky: Got a second? Grissom: You're a suspect in an ongoing investigation. We're not allowed to have a conversation. Fromansky: I wouldn't waste my life on them. Grissom: Well, if that's true, then your DNA sample will rule you out. Fromansky: Someday, you're going to need me or my buddies at a scene ... and wouldn't you know it-- we all hit traffic on the way. Grissom: Is that how you do your job, officer? Fromansky: Have a safe night. (OFFICER FROMANSKY turns and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB] (ARCHIE does the voice print comparison/analysis for WARRICK and GRISSOM. He has the two tapes running one on top of the other.) Fromansky: (on tape) Officer in pursuit of late-model honda civic ... Caller (man): (on tape) just occurred ... I heard shots . Fromansky: (on tape) Heading northbound ... Caller (man): (on tape) just east of the intersection. There's been a ... Archie: Pitch, speed, volume -- They're all different. It's not even close. Grissom: Maybe he disguised his voice. Archie: There's no distortion. Warrick: Fromansky didn't make that call, Gris. (GREG walks up to the lab doorway.) Greg: The, uh, sweat from the uniform not a match to officer Fromansky. (GRISSOM takes off his glasses. He realizes that they're concentrating on the wrong man.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM ] (GRISSOM is in the breakroom, thinking. BRASS walks into the room.) Brass: You're a hard guy to find. Grissom: I messed up, Jim. I got ahead of the evidence. I made it personal, and I don't know why. Brass: We both got a little stubborn. Did a little head-butting. I kind of liked it. You were like your old self there. Anyway ... (BRASS gets a cup of coffee and sits down opposite GRISSOM.) Brass: Fromansky was my money, too. Grissom: I still think it's somebody inside. Brass: Pull off a murder like this, it takes some practice. So... one thing I remembered. About six or seven months ago, we arrested a couple of gang-bangers. They were popping blackjack dealers on their way home from work, taking their toke envelopes. Because of some technicality, Judge Slater let them walk right out of the courtroom. I mean, they were talking about this in the precinct for weeks. Now this morality play has a very quick and unhappy ending. Somebody shot them. Grissom: Vigilantes? Brass: Maybe. But still, I don't like a cop for this. Grissom: So take the cops out. Who's left? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB] (NICK has printed all the density levels onto clear plastic. He puts them together and comes up with one composite of the shoe print. He holds up the clear plastic sheets up as we: [SCENE_BREAK] [NEVADA SEAL] (Close up of the Nevada Seal: "All for our country * Nevada) (Camera pulls back to show the heavy seal on the ground in front of a column. GRISSOM and BRASS stand over the seal.) Grissom: "All for our country." Brass: That's what he probably told himself. (They head inside the County Courthouse Building.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUDGE SLATER'S OFFICE -- DAY] (GRISSOM and BRASS face the JUDGE.) Judge Slater: Like I told you before, if you're here for a warrant, you better have evidence to back it up. Brass: We're not here to get a warrant, Judge. We're here to serve one. (BRASS hands the warrant to JUDGE SLATER.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM] (CATHERINE, SARA and O'RILEY interview WAYNE.) O'Riley: Wayne, you want to tell us about the game Friday night? Wayne: You mean like strategy? Chalk talk? Catherine: Start with the Shirley Temples and go from there. (WAYNE laughs.) Wayne: You're talking about those idiots from UNLV. O'Riley: We have a witness that said you guys had a beef. Specifically, you and number seven. Wayne: Dude, I don't even know those guys, okay? They came in, they tried to be funny, and we set them straight. Catherine: How? Wayne: Gave them a little talking to. Sara: Any blows exchanged? Physical contact? Wayne: Did that punk bitch rat us out? It was harmless. It was nothing. Sara: Punk bitch? A kid is dead. Wayne: (surprised) What? Sara: Dan O'Hannissey is dead. Wayne: I didn't do anything. Hey, that guy left before we did, and he was fine. He was still running his mouth. O'Riley: I suppose your buddies will testify to that? Wayne: Yeah, they'll testify to that. Look, you can ask anybody who was in there. (CATHERINE notices his ring.) Catherine: Interesting ring you've got on. Wayne: The SMU sharks. Catherine: That's a college ring. Mind if I borrow it? Wayne: You want to borrow my ring? Catherine: Yeah. (He removes the ring and puts it on the table.) Wayne: Okay. Take it. I didn't do anything. O'Riley: You're not under arrest. You're free to go. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUDGE SLATER'S OFFICE] Judge Slater: You have a lot of nerve walking in my chambers accusing me of murder. Grissom: I'm not accusing you of murder. I just want to see your shoes. Judge Slater: You've a warrant to search my closet? Grissom: We need to see all your shoes. Brass: That goes for your bailiff and your clerk as well. Gentlemen, please remove your shoes. I'm sure you'd want to set an example for all court employees. Judge Slater: The warrant is limited to me, my Clerk and the Bailiff? Brass: The Klinefeld warrant was generated from this office, and only you three had access to their personal information, so ... yeah. Judge Slater: I look forward to the day you return to my courtroom, Detective. (JUDGE SLATER sits in his seat and raises his shoes to be checked. BRASS sighs.) Stuart Gardner: Who issued the warrant? Brass: Judge Correll. Stuart Gardner: Good Judge. Always count on him for paper. (GRISSOM checks the bottom of the JUDGE'S shoes.) Grissom: Not this pair. (GRISSOM checks the bailiff's shoes.) Grissom: Not those. (GRISSOM sees the pack of cigarettes in STUART GARDNER'S shirt pocket.) Grissom: You a smoker? Stuart Gardner: Is that a crime? Grissom: It's not good for you. (GRISSOM finds the pair of shoes.) (Quick flashback to: SUART GARDNER standing in front of the column and on the seal during his smoke break. Emphasis on his shoes when he steps away.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM looks up from the shoes to STUART GARDNER.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (SARA and CATHERINE are in the lab.) Sara: What tipped you to the ring? Catherine: Jaws. Sara: Peter Benchley's Jaws? Catherine: No, it was in Steven Spielberg's Jaws. They had this mechanical shark named Bruce. And he kept swimming round and round in circles. Sara: How come? Catherine: His dorsal fin was bent. (Close up of the bent fin on the ring.) Sara: How did Bruce's fin get bent? Catherine: Same way the kid's ring did. It hit something. (Quick flashback to: Back at the bar that night, WAYNE approaches DANIEL O'HANNISSEY.) Daniel O'Hannissey: Don't be pushing, tough guy! (DANIEL turns around and pushes WAYNE back.) Wayne: Come on! (Suddenly the shouting and cheering on the television has DANIEL'S attention and he turns to cheer and whoop along with the game, turning his back to WAYNE.) (Rather than wait around, WAYNE swings and hits DANIEL in the back of the head.) (Quick CGI POV to: Inside DANIEL'S head, he starts bleeding. End of CGI POV.) (DANIEL turns around and rushes WAYNE. His friends stop him.) Wayne: Come on. Come on! WAYNE: Come on! FRIENDS: Forget it, man. (End of flashback.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BAR -- DAY] (SARA and CATHERINE re-interview WAYNE.) Wayne: You got to be kidding me. Sara: You threw a punch. Probably a sucker punch. Wayne: Look, I told you, that guy walked away. Catherine: But he was already dying. And you're responsible. Sara: Now who's the punk... bitch? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM A -- DAY] (BRASS is starting his interview with STUART GARDNER.) Brass: (to tape recorder) This is detective Jim Brass, Las Vegas Police Department. Interview room "A." I'm with Stuart Gardner, County Court Clerk. Please, um, state your name. (He puts the recorder on the table.) Stuart Gardner: Stuart Gardner. G-A-R-D-N-E-R. Brass: And spell it for the record. That's right. You used to be a cop. Stuart Gardner: Once a cop, always a cop. You and I are brothers. (BRASS leans forward.) Brass: (quietly) I'm not your brother. (BRASS straightens, turns and heads for the other end of the table where he takes a seat.) Brass: You're a murderer. (Quick flashback to: [THE KLINEFELD'S] CAMERON KLINEFELD looks at the bogus warrant.) Stuart Gardner: I have a warrant to search these premises. Cameron Klinefeld: This is a joke. You can't arrest me. (CAMERON turns and walks into the house.) Stuart Gardner: I'm not here to arrest you. (STUART GARDNER lifts up his gun with the plastic bottle silencer at the end of it and fires.) Cameron Klinefeld: What, wait a second ... (MANDY sees the shot, stands and runs for the door. He fires and hits her in the back.) (STUART GARDNER grabs a towel of the faucet to use to open the back door. The newspaper on the counter falls to the floor. He steps on it on his way out. He closes the door behind him.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: We also found your old uniform shirt, with your DNA on the collar. What are you going to retire on? Psych? Medical? What? Stuart Gardner: Weren't you close to retirement? After you shot that bystander? Brass: Ah, you want to talk about me, huh? Oh, you're a clerk. Get your facts straight. He wasn't a bystander. He was a passenger in a felony pursuit. Stuart Gardner: So how'd you get promoted to Captain after that? Brass: Must be my good looks. Stuart Gardner: You agreed to drive a desk ... at CSI ... with all the sleazy civilians. Brass: Don't knock the CSI, Stuart. They put a lot of bad guys away. (BRASS stands up and walks toward the mirror.) Brass: You know, I'm going to give you a little therapy for free. You know, if you had only shown a little restraint, they would have processed the DNA after Klinefelds'. Slam-dunk case. Stuart Gardner: Lots of guys get off on slam-dunk cases. Brass: Yeah, I bet you saw a lot of that working for Judge Slater, most liberal judge in the state. [OBSERVATION ROOM] (GRISSOM, WARRICK and NICK watch the interview.) Brass: (through speakers) Bet you saw a lot of good cases go south, while you just processed those release forms, huh? [INTERVIEW ROOM] (STUART stands up and moves to stand directly behind BRASS. The officer at the back of the room follows close behind.) Stuart Gardner: Let me ask you something. Doesn't it piss you off to put all your hard work in the hands of twelve people too stupid to get off jury duty? [OBSERVATION ROOM] (BRASS turns around.) Brass: (through speakers) Stuart, sit down. Warrick: This guy's a nut job vigilante. He's making the whole department look bad. Grissom: I guess he'd just figured he'd take a shortcut. You've thought about it. Warrick: Yeah, lots of times ... what about you? (GRISSOM looks at WARRICK. Rather than answer the question, GRISSOM stands and leaves the room.) (He walks out of the OBSERVATION ROOM and into the HALLWAY where he passes by OFFICER FROMANSKY walking in the opposite direction. OFFICER FROMANSKY looks at GRISSOM as he walks by.) (GRISSOM stops and turns back to look at OFFICER FROMANSKY. FROMANSKY doesn't spare him a backward glance.) [SCENE_BREAK] [SHOOTING RANGE] (GRISSOM is at the firing range with his gun. He empties the cartridge. When he's done, he brings the target up forward where we see that GRISSOM is an excellent shot. All bullets hit the 9-bullseye target center.) (Camera holds on the target.)

When the lead suspects in Grissom's serial killer case are murdered, Grissom suspects an inside job. Grissom and Brass are at odds when Grissom suggests it was a cop. Catherine and Sara investigate what happened to a college football fan when his bloated body is found in a bathtub.

fd_Reign_01x08

fd_Reign_01x08_0

IN FRANCIS' CHAMBERS: (Francis and Mary wake up in each other's arms, with the sun streaming through the window. Francis lies awake, stroking Mary's bare arm) MARY (rubbing the sleepiness out of her eyes): It's morning. FRANCIS: I know. (Mary freaks out a bit, but Francis tries to calm her nerves) FRANCIS: If the servants are gossiping about your unmade bed, it is too late to rectify the situation. (Francis starts kissing Mary all over and she giggles loudly) MARY: Do you think we're being too reckless? FRANCIS: I'm yours. You're mine. I hope you're pregnant. MARY: Francis! FRANCIS: It would force the wedding sooner. How could my father argue it? MARY: You don't think what we're doing is wrong? As we are not wed yet? FRANCIS: After we rule for a great long while, and we leave France and Scotland to our children, and our grandchildren and our great grandchildren, and we meet our maker, you can ask him yourself. (The pair start kissing again and sink back into the bed until they hear a knock at the door, which causes them to cover themselves with their blanket) MESSENGER: Forgive me, but there's word for you; from the Holy See. FRANCIS: The Pope? MESSENGER: The cardinal from the Vatican is in the throne room. (The messenger bows and leaves, leaving Francis and Mary alone again) FRANCIS: Or you could ask him now. (They laugh and pull the covers back up over their heads) FRANCIS: As the word of God is back at court. IN THE KING'S CHAMBERS: (The King has returned to court after the heist of the castle, that saw Kenna beat up, Mary almost raped, Francis almost kiddnapped, and several dozen men dead) KENNA: You can be honest. I'd gladly trade pain for respect. KING HENRY: Aren't you in enough pain? KENNA: Aren't I, seeing you like this? You've barely been by my side. KING HENRY: You need to rest. KENNA: ... 'Cause you've been with her. (Kenna is speaking of Dianne, the King's first mistress) KING HENRY: Kenna, please. KENNA: I hear the rumors. I ask the servants. Diane's been seen in your room. KING HENRY: She gives me counsel. She's my friend. Can we please forget about Diane? KENNA: Can you? Henry. (The King is very agitated with Kenna. He looks away from her, hoping she'll drop it) KENNA: Henry, please look at me. Tell me the truth. Tell me that you love me. KING HENRY: I can't let her go. I'm sorry. You wanted honesty. I came back to the horrors of this attack. A stranger with an old vendetta who came to destroy my line. KENNA (raising her voice): They came for your sons, but they attacked me... because of my association to you. Because you made me your mistress. I nearly died because of you, and you choose this moment to tell me that you want her? KING HENRY: I don't know if she's a habit, or a crutch, but I need her. KENNA: I've given you everything: my virtue. I'm... I'm.. destroyed. (Tears stream down Kenna's face) KING HENRY: Oh, that's simply not true. Kenna, when we started this, you knew I had a wife and a mistress. Perhaps it was overreaching on both our parts to assume that I was capable of... exclusivity. KENNA: So, this is it? You're through with me? KING HENRY: That's not what I'm saying at all. We can continue. But if you ask me again to choose between you and Diane, I'll choose Diane. ELSEWHERE IN THE CASTLE: (The whole lot of people at court have all gathered. Bash finds his mother and pulls her aside) BASH: Does the cardinal's visit have anything to do with you? .. With your plans for me? DIANE: No. I would know in advance, and the communications have taken place in the utmost secrecy. Legitimization takes time. BASH: I don't want my brother's job. DIANE: Even if the job gets you the woman you want? (Francis and Mary begin walking down the same corrider) PERSON 1 (to Mary): Your Majesty. PERSON 2 (bowing): Your Majesty. (Diane sees Bash watching Mary) DIANE: She may care for Francis, but Mary will wed the next king of France. BASH: That's no way to win a woman. DIANE: It worked for him. Why not you? (All of the people start to congregate in the throne room, where Henry and Catherine are preparing to propose a toast) KING HENRY (to the crowd): God bless us all. (The King takes the Queen by the hand, with the cup in the other) KING HENRY: There is news sent to us by Cardinal Tesson, the papal emissary. In England, the Tudor queen is dying. (The room erupts in murmurs) CARDINAL TESSON: While she has not named her successor... (King Henry cuts the Cardinal off and finishes the sentiment) KING HENRY: many suspect, and believe, the rightful heir to the English throne is you: Mary Stuart. (Mary's face goes completely blank. While the rest of the crowd applaudes) KING HENRY (Henry approaches Mary and takes her by the hand): The second England's queen dies, you will make your claim. Your marriage to my son will strengthen that claim, as it will show the world that you have the might of France at your side. France fulfills its promise to Scotland and to you. It's time you and Francis are wed. QUEEN CATHERINE (mumbling to herself): No, you can't do that. (Henry walks back over to his throne and proposes yet another toast to the entire room) KING HENRY: We must celebrate. It's God's will. (Meanwhile, Nostradamus has a vision of Francis falling to his knees, Clarissa removing her face mask, frost melting from a window, and Mary's ladies all gathered around a dead body, while Mary cries hysterically) KING HENRY: Do you hear me? It's God's will. (The King goes over to speak with the Cardinal and another man with him, while Francis and Mary speak quietly) MARY: Am I understanding this right? That a new condition of the alliance, of our marriage, is that I deliver England to you? My father wants it. FRANCIS: The Vatican's support makes him think he can get it. MARY: Elizabeth has support, as well. Armies she's been gathering for years. You realize what laying claim to England could cost me? FRANCIS: Yes, I do. It could cost you your head. IN A PRIVATE CHAMBER: KING HENRY: When the English Queen dies, so does Henry the VIII's line. You are his next relation by blood. MARY: Elizabeth is Henry the VIII's daughter. KING HENRY: By Anne Boleyn. Her parents' marriage was never recognized by the Catholic Church. She's illegitimate. Her claim is weak, at best. In God's eyes, she doesn't even exist. QUEEN CATHERINE: How convenient God has this opinion, as Elizabeth happens to be Protestant. KING HENRY: The Pope doesn't want to lose a nation to Protestantism. Can you blame him? QUEEN CATHERINE: A Scottish queen on the English throne? A daughter born of one of Henry's wives, dismissed? There will be uprisings. Wars. Catholics against Protestants, neighbor against neighbor. MARY: England against Scotland. FRANCIS: And Elizabeth against Mary. Have you thought about that? QUEEN CATHERINE: They say she's very cunning, and that she has many followers. And she's always perceived Mary as a threat. KING HENRY: She will come after you, whether you've reached for the crown or not. As for strife, civil wars, England will never be weaker. What better time to strike? If they push back, if there are wars, we will win. MARY: You hate them. KING HENRY: England tore into my country for half a century. They spilled French blood on French soil. Yes I hate them. You can make them ours. Together, you will some day rule half of Europe. England, Scotland and France. Don't let fear keep you from greatness. This is your destiny. (King Henry takes the Queen aside and quietly, but sternly issues her a warning) KING HENRY: I want my son married to England's next queen, because I want England. Cost me England, and I will kill you. Are we clear? (In typical Catherine fashion, she says nothing) IN A CASTLE CORRIDER: (Bash stands overlooking the grounds. His mother comes to chat with him) BASH: I know. It's over. Did the Vatican tell you? DIANE: They don't need to. There's no way the Church can support a b*st*rd's claim to the throne in France when it's crushing a b*st*rd's claim in England. I'm sorry. BASH: I'm not. DIANE: It was wrong of me to dangle her in front of you... to play with your feelings. BASH: Don't. DIANE: You can't want her even in secret, even in your heart. Francis will see your desire for her. You told me yourself, he already has. BASH: He forbade me from her. DIANE: And what effect did that have? BASH: You and Francis you talk as if Mary's a cool glass of water, and I'm a man dying of thirst. DIANE: And it's only our talk that makes you thirsty? Do you know why I warn you, why Francis has? Because there's a thirst inside her, as well, for you. Keep your distance from her. No one is worth dying for. OUTSIDE OF DIANE'S CHAMBERS: (Kenna has come to Diane's chambers to speak with her about her ongoing relationship with Henry.She sees a servant outside, so she speaks to her) KENNA: You there, are these Diane's chambers? SERVANT: Yes, my lady, but she's not in at the moment. KENNA: Well, tell her that the king's mistress would very much like a meeting. (Kenna goes to leave, but before she can, someone mistakes her for Dianne, easy considering the fact that she has a hood over her head) FATHER RONISSI: My lady: I'm glad to have found you alone. KENNA: Do I know you? FATHER RONISSI: I'm Father Ronissi, and you, as I just heard, are the king's mistress. KENNA: How do you do, Madame de Poitiers? You're younger than I imagined. I'm the priest who has been answering your letters. (Kenna is dumbfounded, but she doesn't reveal her true identity. She plays along instead) FATHER RONISSI: To the Vatican? About your son, Sebastian. KENNA: Sebastian? FATHER RONISSI: Of course you would want him recognized, but you must realize, with the Pope's blessing of Mary and Francis' wedding, his desire to service the faithful of England, that your efforts must stop. KENNA: Mine and the king's? FATHER RONISSI: The king is completely unaware, as you'd requested. I hope you understand. KENNA: I'm beginning to. I mean of course. Thank you. OUTSIDE THE CASTLE: (Hand in hand, Francis and Mary enjoy the weather outside the castle walls) FRANCIS: Are you breathing easier now? MARY: I still don't want to go back to the castle. They'll want answers. FRANCIS: My father didn't pose our marriage as a question, but I will. Do you want this? MARY: I want you, but I'm afraid. I don't want to start a war. And what if my efforts fail? What if no one supports my claim in England? FRANCIS: Every Catholic will. I know you want time to sort this out, to assess what France and the Vatican can offer. And maybe we have time before the English queen dies; before you have to stake your claim, but we are a separate issue. And this is our chance, right now, to be together, without anyone, or anything, standing in our way. MARY: What are you saying? FRANCIS: Marry me. And we'll figure out what you should do with England later. MARY: You mean trick your father, the King of France, into believing that I agree with him? FRANCIS: Yes. We should deceive him. It's for a very good cause. MARY: And you won't pressure me later about England? FRANCIS: I'll pressure you, and listen to you, and argue with you, and love you until the day I die. Together, we'll decide what is right, as husband and wife. (Francis drops down to one knee and takes her by the hand) FRANCIS: Marry me. Say yes. MARY: Yes. Yes! (They kiss one another and Francis picks her up and twirls her around in his arms. They then run back to the castle, laughing and holding hands) IN THE QUEENS CHAMBERS: (The Queen is seen putting some strange substance on the bars of her bird's cage, she is interrupted though, as after the legitimization revelation, Kenna goes to tell the Queen of Dianne's plans. She barges in, followed by a guard) GUARD: Yes! I am sorry, Your... Your Majesty. Lady Kenna said you would be expecting her? KENNA: I need a moment alone. It would be in both of our interests for you to hear me out. (The Queen sees her busted lip and bruised face) QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh, God, you look terrible. I feel for you, but if this is about Henry, you can't imagine how little he interests me at the moment. KENNA: It's also about your son. I can save him immeasurable pain. (The Queen asks the guard to leave) QUEEN CATHERINE: Go. (He, of course, obliges, bowing and leaving the two of them alone) QUEEN CATHERINE: Is this about the wedding? KENNA: The wedding? No, it's about Diane. (The Queen rolls her eyes, without even turning from her chair to face Kenna) QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh. Get out. KENNA: Why do you allow her to live here? Why do you agree to coexist? QUEEN CATHERINE: She means nothing to me, not anymore. KENNA: Why, when she took what's yours, what's now mine? (The Queen finds this statement very annoying, but this time, she turns to look at her) KENNA: What does she have over him? And why shouldn't we use information that I have over her? QUEEN CATHERINE: Go on. KENNA: I think Diane plans to have Bash legitimized. (Catherine gets up out of her chair and moves closer to Kenna) KENNA: Behind your back, behind Henry's. It could cost France everything. QUEEN CATHERINE: How do you know this? KENNA: I was on my way to her room to confront her. QUEEN CATHERINE: To say what? KENNA: I don't know. Beg her to give me a chance, I suppose. QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh, dear lord, you really are a child. KENNA: I was mistaken for her. That's when I learned of her efforts to have him recognized by the Church. What else could that mean? Her plans have come to naught. That's what the emissary told me. QUEEN CATHERINE: He adores Bash, and obviously, he loves Diane. (The bird falls from the perch of its cage) QUEEN CATHERINE: But he won't like this news, not now. Not with England in play. She's rattling the line of succession, just when France needs to look very secure. And undermining existing rulers? Well, some might call that treason. She could be executed for this. (The Queen takes far too much joy in the possibility) QUEEN CATHERINE: Would that take care of your Diane problem? KENNA: No, that's not what I want. QUEEN CATHERINE: And yet, you could live with it. (Kenna says nothing, but the look on her face says it all) QUEEN CATHERINE: Ah. Go. I'll see what I can do with this information, and how it might benefit me. (Kenna bows and leaves, allowing the Queen to go back to her work) QUEEN CATHERINE: Hmm. (She now notices tthe bird lies dead at the bottom of its cage) QUEEN CATHERINE: Very good. IN MARY'S CHAMBERS: (She and her ladies gather to discuss all that has happened during the day) GREER: We're so happy for you. MARY: Lola, what about you? LOLA: I'm pleased. I.. I just I want you to be safe. I want you to be sure. England's an enormous risk. Are you taking that risk for us, your people, or for the man you love? MARY: My duty is to Scotland, and soon, to France. I will make the decision that my conscience dictates. Francis knows that. AYLEE: But the king's orders? MARY: What the king doesn't know won't hurt him. (Clarissa has been listening in on their conversation from the passageways) AYLEE: He'd defy his father for you? MARY: For us, for his people. He's a good man. I'm going to marry him tomorrow night. GREER: Tomorrow?! (The girls shrike in excitement and shock) GREER: But what... what will you wear? AYLEE: Well, well, what about your mother? She won't be here. MARY: Well, I have all of you. You're my real family. (Greer runs off to get fashion accessories GREER: Mary, come. Let's try different things with your hair. AYLEE: Up or down? What do you think? LOLA: Depends on the veil. (The girls all giggle) IN NOSTRADAMUS' CHAMBERS: (The Queen meets her friend to discuss killing Mary once again) QUEEN CATHERINE: My son doesn't believe that the future can be seen. He thinks it's his and Mary's to control. I've tried to drive her away. I've tried... to destroy her reputation, his love for her... I've terrorized her. NOSTRADAMUS: Don't do this. She is an innocent. QUEEN CATHERINE: No, she's his equal in every way. He loves her, she loves him. What more could I want for my son except his survival? NOSTRADAMUS: There is another way. QUEEN CATHERINE: There is no other way, except to remove the very source of the problem. NOSTRADAMUS: Francis will know, no matter how you hide your treachery. He will never forgive you. QUEEN CATHERINE: He can hate me for the rest of his life. God willing, it's a long life. NOSTRADAMUS: If Francis won't listen, tell her. Tell Mary the truth. Tell her everything. QUEEN CATHERINE: What, so she can tell others? The court, the king? So we can burn for your dark magic, as heretics? And for what, Nostradamus? NOSTRADAMUS: The chance of changing her own fate -- Of saving the man she loves. QUEEN CATHERINE: And if I can't convince her? NOSTRADAMUS: Then there is no saving her, is there? From the content of the bottle in your bag. (He opens the bag up, revealing a bottle of poison, which she began crafting when she spoke with Kenna earlier, the same poison used to kill her bird) NOSTRADAMUS: But if you kill Mary, we will burn anyway. In the fires of Hell for all eternity. (Nostradamus has his hands on the bottle as well, but Catherine jerks it away and storms out) LATER: (The Queen took Nostradamus up on his suggestion, that she speak with Mary before trying to kill her. The Queen has called a meeting with Mary) MARY: What do you want? QUEEN CATHERINE: You and I have been through a great deal together. I've come to respect you. Do you think I'm a stupid woman? Easily fooled? MARY: No. QUEEN CATHERINE: And what about Nostradamus? I know that he's told you about your future. Do you believe him? MARY: I believe his words have weight... that he has certain insights. What does any of this matter? QUEEN CATHERINE: Nostradamus believes that some day you will be the cause of Francie's death. That your marriage seals this fate. He's seen the future. If you wed my son, it is very dark. MARY: This is madness. Everything you've done to drive me away has been based on.. on some glimpse of.. of a future? A future, that no one can know. QUEEN CATHERINE: No one except him. What Nostradamus sees comes to pass, I can assure you, over the years: brutal storms, newborns dying. Love and war, treachery... MARY: This is mere superstition. QUEEN CATHERINE: Henry would call it worse. If you tell the king what I've done, and why I've done it, he'd have grounds for my beheading. He'd have Nostradamus killed without a second thought. I give you a very powerful weapon against me, because I trust you won't use it. Instead, you'll do what needs to be done. MARY: And what is that? QUEEN CATHERINE: Walk away from this marriage, from Francis. MARY: A man I love, an alliance that my country needs?! QUEEN CATHERINE: He will die if you marry him. I know that I'm asking you to sacrifice, but if you believe, at all... MARY: I don't. I don't believe any of it! QUEEN CATHERINE: Be very sure of that. Think about anything Nostradamus has ever told you, anything he's ever predicted -- Has it come to pass? (Mary says nothing, but she doesn't deny it) MARY: Have you told Francis about this? QUEEN CATHERINE: He won't believe me. MARY: He deserves, at the very least, to know what you believe. QUEEN CATHERINE: Oh. Is that really why you would share the prophecy with him? Or is it so he could talk you out of your fears? Because he will. Is it so he can choose his own fate? Because you know he'd risk his life for you. He loves you, and you love him, but that love must make you strong, not weak. (The Queen walks from the windowsill and puts her hands on Mary's shoulders and shakes them) QUEEN CATHERINE: Please don't let it kill him, I beg of you. (Mary goes to speak with Nostradamus about the Queen's warnings) MARY: What did you see? Of Francis? NOSTRADAMUS: What would make you believe? And you must believe a little, or you'd have run straight to Francis, or to the king. MARY: You told me once that the lion would fight the dragon in a field of poppies. There was truth in that. NOSTRADAMUS: Yes, I did, but that's not your real question. Ask it. (Mary clearly wants to ask, but she remains quiet.) NOSTRADAMUS: Can the future I see for you and Francis be changed? Yes, it can. MARY: By any other means than letting him go? NOSTRADAMUS: No. All images of Francie's death are tied to your union. You will be blamed for the death of the queen's first-born. You will blame yourself, most of all. I see Francis, barely older than he is now, cold to your touch. You are wed, but childless. Alone at this court -- without a friend to comfort you. MARY: Stop. You're cruel. NOSTRADAMUS: Do you think I want to see these things? Do you think I want to tell a mother her son will die? So much sacrifice, so much slaughter. (Steps can be heard approaching them, as Nostradamus looks down, avoiding eye contact with Mary) NOSTRADAMUS: One among you, a girl, dead in a day's time... Do you think.. (Kenna is the one who was heard coming into the room. She interrupts them) KENNA: What do you mean one among us? MARY: Kenna. Don't listen. This is meant to scare me, not you. KENNA: You said one among us. A girl. NOSTRADAMUS: Yes. A girl. I see your ladies, circled around. I don't know who, but one among you will die before the next frost melts. MARY: You said that some fates could be changed. NOSTRADAMUS: Not this one. (Kenna and Mary storm out and head back up to their chambers) GREER: None of us will die. It's nonsense. Nostradamus said I'd fall in love with a man with a white mark on his face. That never happened. LOLA: Have you fallen in love at all? You disappear for hours. Where do you go? AYLEE: He said I'd never go home again. It haunts me still. (Kenna unsucessfully tries to comfort Aylee) GREER: That was his intention. Nostradamus likes to scare people. He's the queen's watchdog. LOLA: Well, we can't trust her. Maybe this is her last attempt to keep you from Francis. MARY: Or she was trying to keep me from Francis to save his life. I don't know if there's any truth to this prophecy, but the queen and Nostradamus seem to believe what he's saying. AYLEE: What do you believe? You said you couldn't sleep for days after you saw Tomas' banner unfurl. And it was a dragon, as Nostradamus predicted... MARY: The lion and the dragon will fight on a field of poppies. AYLEE: The lion being the English that Tomas' soldiers sailed off to confront. GREER: Sailors. On the sea. So where was his field of poppies? MARY: You're right. But Tomas fought his real battle, the one he fought himself, in the forest. AYLEE: There were poppies everywhere at that time, all through the woods. MARY: Where Tomas was slain. By Francis. And Bash. (Still not convinced, Mary goes to the stables to speak with Bash, who is grooming a horse) BASH: You know how Tomas died. And, yes, there were poppies there. In full bloom. MARY: That's an odd thing to remember. BASH: The mind focuses on small things when faced with the larger horror of taking a life. MARY: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. To tell the truth, I.. I'm probably just looking for connections that aren't there. BASH: To what end? Did Nostradamus tell you something you hope is true? MARY: No. BASH: I've known him many years. He's right more than he's wrong. And when he's wrong, I often wonder if we misinterpreted what he said, and he's too cautious to argue otherwise. Tomas' symbol was, in fact, the dragon. Self-important but self-chosen. MARY: And the lion was the English, of course. BASH: As I said, Tomas chose his own symbol. That's what we bastard-born do, as technically we belong to no one. (Bash stops grooming the horse and goes to show Mary his sword) BASH: Allowing me to choose the lion for myself. (On his sword, on the blade, there is a gold lion etched into it) MARY: Is this the sword you fought Tomas with? BASH: A fight to the death... In a field of poppies. [SCENE_BREAK] IN DIANE'S CHAMBERS: (She and Henry are making love passionately. As they finish, they roll around in the sheets for a bit) KING HENRY: Well done. (He puts on his robe and gets up to leave. Meanwhile, outside of the room, the Queen is gathered around with a group of women, looking at various plates of food. The Queen sees Henry leave Diane's room and she goes to speak with her. She busts through the doors without knocking, scaring Diane) QUEEN CATHERINE: Dear Diane. Henry will be back shortly with your glass of port, your apples and salted biscuits. It's such a lovely routine, the way he insists on taking care of you himself. DIANE: What is it you want? QUEEN CATHERINE: I didn't think I wanted anything from you.. I didn't think it was possible. As you have become such a certainty. And here's another: Henry strays from you to a young girl, and then gets bored, and returns to you. I don't know how you do it. DIANE: Because I love him for who he is, not what he can give me. QUEEN CATHERINE: No, I meant I don't know how you can put up with it. I put up with you, the public humiliation, because at least, in private, I don't have him grinding on top of me. Perhaps I'm saving us both some discomfort. (Catherine picks up Diane's clothing and tosses it to her) QUEEN CATHERINE: Get dressed and go. I know about the legitimization. (Diane goes to explain herself, but the Queen stops her) QUEEN CATHERINE: Don't bother trying to deny it. I have ties with the Vatican who can confirm it, but (laughing) do you know how I learned? Kenna. She was mistaken for you.. In your younger years. She was very badly beaten and she looked terrible. You won't look so good yourself if word of this leaks out. DIANE: You love your son, too. You would do anything for him. QUEEN CATHERINE: Yes. I would. But this, I'm doing for myself. Because I'm anxious of late... You could say that my son's wedding has me unnerved. DIANE: Because you can't control his future wife: a Queen. QUEEN CATHERINE: I've given her some counsel. I am eager to see if she takes it. (Catherine is pacing around the room, not having realized she is speaking to Diane about Mary and Francis) QUEEN CATHERINE: Look at us. We're talking like old friends. DIANE: We've known each other for a long time. QUEEN CATHERINE: This acquaintance is about to be terminated. (Catherine tosses another item of clothing at Diane) QUEEN CATHERINE: Disappear. Make up any excuse, but do not come back. If you do, I'll tell Henry what you've done. DIANE: He'd understand. He adores Bash. QUEEN CATHERINE: He might have understood if your timing had been better. Henry's fondness for anyone is eclipsed by his love of power. He wants England, and he's getting it when Francis marries Mary. Ha.. Well you could say, suddenly, Francis may be his favorite son. And you may be executed for treason. DIANE: Bash never wanted this. If Sebastian died because of your words, Henry would never forgive you. He would find a way to kill you. QUEEN CATHERINE: Which is why I'm letting you leave his bed, our castle, with your life. But, there is something I want to share with you first. Something you can share with Kenna. (The Queen picks up a bottle of poison and holds it up for Diane to see) DIANE: You want me to poison her. Why? QUEEN CATHERINE: There are two things I can't abide, betrayal and stupidity, and Kenna's guilty of both. One can be tempered, the other can never be remedied. Oh, she wants.. what she wants, and she will go and get it at any cost. Her desire for the king may yet cost you your life. And there's one other person who stands in her way. Who is that? Oh.. Wait, I know. His wife. Me. And when she crosses me, and she will, she will be dead anyway. All I'm asking is that you take this one thing off of my plate. Why must I always be the one with blood on my hands? (Catherine opens up the bottle's lid and smells of it) QUEEN CATHERINE: Mmm. Oh, it's sage. It's very nice. These are my terms. (Catherine sits the bottle down on a table and leaves, Diane, unsure of what to do, puts her hands over her face) IN KENNA'S CHAMBERS: (The next day, Kenna lies asleep in her bed. A servant delivers her a cup of tea, while the girls come wake her up) LOLA: Good morning. KENNA: Morning. Hello. (The cup is on a neighboring table) KENNA: Aylee, would you pass me that (referring to the cup), please? (Aylee reaches for the cup and smells it before handing it to Kenna) AYLEE: Mmm. It smells nice. What is it? KENNA: It's a brew of lemon and honey. AYLEE: And a herb. KENNA: It smells floral to me. It's supposed to soothe and heal. You can have it if you'd like. It's quite good. AYLEE: Uh, would you hold this? (Aylee hands the cup to Greer and opens up a bag and pulls out various articles of jewerly) AYLEE: My family sent me these. As gifts to be worn on the day Mary would be wed. LOLA: Oh! You're so modest. Sometimes I forget your family owns half of Scotland. AYLEE: Only the lower half. (Aylee passes some of the jewerly out) AYLEE: They're yours to keep. GREER: Aylee, thank you! Do you think the wedding will still happen though? LOLA: I know Mary talked to Bash. Nostradamus' prediction about Tomas' death was true. GREER: I think that's open to interpretation. My head is pounding with the stress. LOLA: Of whether there'll be a wedding or what you should wear? GREER: The only magic I believe in is love. She should marry him. (Greer holds up her the cup and proposes a toast) GREER: To the power of love. IN FRANCIS' CHAMBERS: (Mary lies in Francis' bed fully clothed. She shares her worries with Francis, who tries to reassure her) MARY: I want you to know whatever happens, that I love you. FRANCIS: What's going to happen? We're getting married tonight. I know you're scared. Talk to me. If it's about England... MARY: It's not politics... It's us. We already have so much. To ask for more... Do you think we're testing fate? (Elsewhere in the castle, the frost is seen melting down the window. A girl is grasping the bars on the castle-staircase, holding on tightly as she chokes. Clarissa trails behind her in the shadows) FRANCIS: Testing fate how? MARY: By believing we can have everything we ever wanted. Perhaps that privilege is reserved for gods, not queens and kings. Perhaps there is a terrible price to pay. (The girl begins to climb down the staircase slowly) FRANCIS: We've devoted our lives to our nations. We're still taking an enormous risk for our countries, whether we lay a claim to England, or defy my father and the Vatican, for what we think is right for our people. MARY: I like that word, "we." And "our." (Clarissa pushes the girl from the balcony, sending her, and the cup she holds, crashing onto the floor) FRANCIS: You've been alone in your struggles your entire life. That's over now. I would die for you. (Mary's face turns white, but as Francis goes to kiss her, they hear a scream. They rush out of the chamber and see a group of people gathered at the base of the stairwell) SERVANT: Guards! Your Majesty, come this way. LOLA: They found her like this. They came to us, looking for you. MARY: Aylee. (It is Aylee who was pushed down the stairwell. A pool of blood lays under her head.) AYLEE: He said I'd never go home again. MARY: Aylee, no (Mary holds her head in her hands. Aylee struggles to speak) AYLEE: Tooo. muchh bloood. shed for you. You, we.. we.. must go home now. (Mary lays her head down gently and Ay;ee closes her eyes and is dead. The girls start crying and Kenna watches as a cat drinks from the shattered remnants of the cup Aylee drank from earlier) FLASHBACK TO EARLIER: AYLEE: Yes. To the power of love. And friendship. (Aylee takes the cup meant for Kenna and takes a drink of it) BACK IN THE PRESENT: (Mary stands up and wipes her blood covered hands on her dress. She sees Nostradamas standing on the staircase, who has just seen the full vision of how Aylee's death occurred) MARY (seeing the frost drip from the windowsill and recalling his earlier warning, "One among you will die"): You are sent from Hell. You are the Devil! (Francis tries to comfort her as she cries, but she pushes him away) MARY: Oh, no. Let me go. Please. IN A CORRIDER: (Diane catches up with Bash and issues him a warning) DIANE: The queen knows of my plan to legitimize you. Catherine has sworn to keep our secret, in trade, but she can't be trusted. BASH: In trade for what? DIANE: Nothing I can't live with. (Diane recalls the Queen leaving the poison at her bedside, but instead of doing as Catherine asked, she threw it against the wall, shattering it into a thousand pieces) DIANE: She can't control me or you if she can't catch us. I will find Henry again, outside the castle walls. Even if she tells him what I've done, I will make him understand. When he travels, I will come to him. I will win him over. I always do. Mary will be wed to Francis, England will be in his grip and none of this will matter. We will be back in his good graces, protected... BASH: Forgive me if I don't choose to run away with my mother and stay in the shadows while you seduce my father into giving a damn about us. DIANE: Then go on your own. Just swear you will leave today. You are my son. BASH: Go. Save yourself. ELSEWHERE IN THE CASTLE: (Aylee's corpse lays out in the open on a table. Nostradamas stands over her body, speaking to someone offcamera) NOSTRADAMUS: She was poisoned. Am I supposed to suspect the queen? When I know the effects of this poison.The blackening... (He picks up her hand and looks at her darkened nails) NOSTRADAMUS: ...the smell of violets. This is new poison. Mine, not Catherine's. Have you been watching me? Do you know where I keep the key? One never knows when you're close, do they? Why did you kill her? CLARISSA: Mary had to believe your prophecy. Or she would have wed Francis. And the queen would have killed her. NOSTRADAMUS: You see Mary as a victim. You think you have a bond because you see yourself as fate's victim, too. But she is a beautiful queen, and you... (Nostradamas grabs Clarissa and drags her over to Aylee's body as she sceams) NOSTRADAMUS: You are a monster! She is a victim! (He pulls her hood off and makes her look at Aylee) NOSTRADAMUS: This girl is your victim! Look. Look at what you've done to a child of God! You, who are nothing! You brought this on yourself. (Nostradamas drags her away) IN MARY'S CHAMBERS: GREER: What about your duty to Scotland? What about the alliance? MARY: I'll find a new one. This one has cost us too much already. GREER: You have to tell Francis why. MARY: I can't. The queen is right. He'll just talk me out of it. GREER: But maybe there's some explanation MARY: For Nostradamus' gift? I believe in it. For Aylee's death? Maybe. Whatever it is, she's still dead. I can't risk it. I can't risk losing anyone else I love. (Mary is packing up her belongings to take with her) MARY: Come with me. LOLA: We can't. (All of the girls look at her, waiting for an explanation) LOLA: She stands a better chance of getting away on her own. LOLA: And you're right. If Francis knows, he will stop you. MARY: I'll send for you when I can. We'll go home. To Scotland. IN THE THRONE ROOM: MARY: As Queen of Scotland, I have made a decision. I lay no claim to the English throne. There are too many lives at stake, and I have a duty to those who would die for me, who believe that I would die for them, regardless of my personal happiness. I know your terms. I know this will cost me the man I love. FRANCIS: Mary, no... KING HENRY: You're risking everything. Everything you've spent your life waiting for. MARY: I know. KING HENRY: You're walking away from England, from more power than you could ever imagine. MARY: I'm walking away from France. KING HENRY: Mary, You're frightened. Now is the time for courage! (Mary goes to leave and Francis runs after her) FRANCIS: I don't understand. MARY: Please don't. I've made up my mind. FRANCIS: Without telling me? MARY: I told you I was afraid. I told you I wasn't sure if this was the right choice for my country. FRANCIS: What does that have to do with marrying me? I told you, I have no terms. I only want you. MARY: I can't trust that. FRANCIS: I don't believe you. MARY: Your loyalty is to France. You have always told me so. FRANCIS: Have you not heard a word that I've said? I love you. MARY: Love is irrelevant to people like us, a privilege we do not share. You told me that. I remember it all. Every word, every moment, for the rest of my life... I love you. But I won't let other people die for me. FRANCIS: That is your fate. As a ruler. MARY: Not if I can help it. FRANCIS: You're not thinking clearly. You're upset, about Aylee. You can't make decisions now, but I can, and I'm never going to let you go. MARY: All I ever wanted was you. FRANCIS: Then we will work this out. Wait for me while I talk to my father before he goes screaming to the Vatican and this.. this gets out of hand. Wait for me. MARY: I'll wait for you. (Francis rushes off to speak with his father) IN THE STABLES: (Mary goes to get a horse to leave on, but a farmhand stops her before she can) STABLE HAND: Your Grace. May I be of service? MARY: I was going riding. I'm fine. STABLE HAND: I'll alert the guards. MARY: Please, uh, don't. STABLE HAND: But it's not safe for you alone. If the king knew I let you go unattended... BASH: You would be punished. We're fine here. I'll be glad to accompany the queen. I have horses ready for us. STABLE HAND: Horses ready? But.. you just offered... (Bash doesn't back down, so he relents) STABLE HAND: Of course. BASH: Where are you going? What's wrong? MARY: I'm leaving. I'm going away, and if you love your brother, you will not stand in my way. BASH: Away, where? MARY: Far. BASH: That's my destination as well. (Bash and Mary get on their horses and ride off) FRANCIS: Mary! Stop! Mary, please! Wait! (Mary ignores him and rides on. Francis falls to his knees and watches them leave) FRANCIS: Mary! Mary!

News arrives that the Queen of England is dying and has not yet named her heir. King Henry announces that it's time for Queen Mary and Prince Francis to finally wed, because Mary is a strong claimant to the English throne and King Henry wants to take England for France. Queen Catherine tells Queen Mary about Nostradamus' prophetic vision that her marriage will cost Prince Francis his life, asking her to leave him for his sake. Queen Mary confronts Nostradamus, who adds that one of her devoted ladies will die soon. Queen Catherine learns through Kenna of Lady Diane's plot to legitimize Bash. Furious, Queen Catherine blackmails Lady Diane, with the order her to poison Kenna and leave King Henry for good. Lady Diane refuses to poison Kenna but leaves the castle. Clarissa poisons Aylee and pushes her down the stairs, killing her in order to make Queen Mary believe Nostradamus's prophecy of misfortune and death. Queen Mary declares she will not claim the English throne instead of her second cousin Princess Elizabeth Tudor , and flees the castle with Bash.

fd_The_O.C._04x12

fd_The_O.C._04x12_0

At the shopping center Taylor: Hello. Kaitlin: Taylor, where are you? I thought you were going to come to dinner. Taylor: Oh, uh... you should just go on without me. I haven't finished my errands yet. Kaitlin: Wait, you've been gone all day. Taylor: Well, I had to go to the dry cleaner and get my nails done and then go to the Matthew Barney exhibition. Kaitlin: Oh, okay. Well, is Ryan with you? Taylor: No, Kaitlin, I told you. We're giving each other some space. I haven't spoken to him in over a week. Kaitlin: Okay, well then, I guess you're not going to Kirsten's thing. Taylor: What thing? Kaitlin: Her party. She's turning 40. I was kind of hoping that you were going to be there to do something weird,so it's not so boring. Wait, do you want to know where it is? Taylor: No. Uh-uh. I don't. Uh... I have to go. Good-bye. Cop: Excuse me, miss. Taylor: Yes? Cop: I'm afraid you're making some of the business owners around here a little nervous. Taylor: Why? What are you talking about? Cop: Well, you've been loitering here for the past seven hours. Taylor: Loitering. What's loitering? I've been... just... Cop: What are you doing with those binoculars? Taylor: These... are for bird watching. Mm-hmm. There's a very interesting oriole in that tree right there. Cop: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Taylor: Okay, Ryan's off work in ten minutes. Can you just give me a... Ten minutes! You want a donut? Cop: No. At Roberts' - In the kitchen Julie: Hey, Taylor's not joining us? Kaitlin: Nope. Lucky her. Julie: Sorry this isn't up to your standards, honey. Kaitlin: I'm a little short on cash right now. So why'd you leave New Match? Julie: Because Kirsten and I are better friends than business partners, okay? Could we just leave it at that? Excuse me. Kaitlin: Five people in this house and I end up eating dinner by myself. Julie: Hi. So we're still on for Friday, right? Well, I don't like sneaking around either, but we don't have much of a choice, do we? I know, I miss you, too. What? Oh, no, that's just Summer's boyfriend Che. Hold on, um, I'll go outside, okay? At Roberts' - Summer's bedroom Summer: Che, what are you doing? Che: The I-Ching was devised by ancient Chinese mystics as a way to interpret the invisible current of the universe. Summer: What are you trying to figure out? Che: I had a dream, Summer...in which my soul mate was revealed to me. Summer: That's great. Che: It's great, but... it's complicated. I must be certain-- Dragon on a mountaintop. Summer: That's interesting. Um... Che? Nothing against Chinese mystics, but, uh, if you want to find out if someone's your soul mate, why don't you just try spending time with them? Che: You think that's what I should do? Summer: Yeah. Why not? See if you have anything in common. Che: Because the day after tomorrow is Groundhog Day and I'm planning a little black ops mission to free Newport Chuck. Sumer: The groundhog? Che: Yeah. You've heard of this travesty? Summer: I've heard about the festival. They put him onstage with the mayor and if he sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. Which is crazy considering we don't even have winter to begin with. But I think they treat him okay. Che: No, 364 days a year, little duder is stuck in a cage. Now he gets to play circus freak for a day? No, that's absolutely criminal. Summer: Just don't involve me 'cause that's how I got kicked out of Brown. You coming to dinner? Che: No, go without me. Summer... besides getting you kicked out of college, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. Summer: Of course. Che: I'll see you in a little bit. Tomorrow, brother. Tomorrow... we'll get this whole thing figured out. That, right there, is grasshopper at night. At Cohen's Sandy: Are you sure you don't want to come? Kirsten: Watching a movie about a guy eating a live octopus? I think I'll pass. Sandy: It's also got one of the greatest fight sequences in probably the last five years. Ryan: Oh, yeah, that'll convince her. Seth: Listen, Mom, what better way to see out your 30s than a little South Korean shock cinema? Kirsten: So tempting. You're going to be late. You better go. [SCENE_BREAK] Kirsten: Oh, hi, it's Kirsten Cohen. I was wondering if Dr. Harris could see me; it's urgent. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: Are you sure it's all right to leave her? She seems a little down. Sandy: Oh, she's turning 40. Even for a woman as beautiful as your mother, that's not easy. Ryan: Well, maybe we should stay. Sandy: No, trust me. Right now, all she wants is a little time alone to process everything. Ryan: You don't think she knows about the party? Sandy: What? No. Are you kidding me? Nobody plans a surprise party like Sandy Cohen. I could've been with the CIA. Seth: I hear they're known for their birthday parties. Generic At Cohen's Che: Good morning, brother. Seth: Che, what are you...? I mean, this is real, right? This isn't a dream? Che: Unless this whole life is a dream. But, no, for our purposes, you are awake. Seth, how do you feel about the subjugation of animals? Seth: Um... I hate it. Che: When you hear that a fellow mammal is being exploited for cheap entertainment instead of being allowed to burrow in the soft soil of Mother Earth, does it make you want to tear your hair out? Well, then rise and shine, brother, for the clarion call of justice has rung across the land. Seth: I'm glad I don't sleep naked. Che: Yeah, me, too. I didn't think about that. Seth: You could've had... At Roberts' - Kaitlin's bedroom Brad: Tell him you want to feel his butt. Eric: Yeah, say how you can't wait to get two big handfuls of butt. Kaitlin: Okay, you guys, that's gross. I'm supposed to be my mom, okay? Eric: Exactly. Brad: Look, you want this guy to think your mom loves him, right? This is how adults talk to each other. Kaitlin: I've been e-mailing Bullit as my mom for, like, a month now. You don't think it'd bea little weird if I randomly asked him about his butt? Brad: No. It just shows that she cares for him. Eric: And his butt. Kaitlin: Do you guys not realize how much you talk about other guys' butts? Brad: Do you want your mom to close the deal or not? Kaitlin: "I miss your butt. Love, Julie." Brad: Awesome. Awesome. At the poolhouse Sandy: Hey. You busy? Ryan: No. Sandy: I'm just going in to pick up Kirsten's birthday present. Thought you might want to come along. You know, grab some lunch. Ryan: Ah, yeah, sure. Sandy: Is everything okay? Ryan: Mm-hmm. Fine. Sandy: How are you doing with all that's going on with Taylor? Ryan: Okay. Sandy: Are you sure? Ryan: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she says she needs time. I get it. I got plenty of other things to keep me busy. Sandy, I'm fine. I'm not sitting around missing her if that's what you're asking. Sandy: All right. Okay. Let's say half an hour? Ryan: All right. At the doctor Taylor: I need help, Doctor. Doctor: Well, Taylor, admitting that is the first step in recovery. But tell me, how did you hear about me? Taylor: Oh, I read your article about emotional addictions in The Journal of Abstract Thought. I saw you teach at UCI, and it just kind of seemed like fate. Doctor: And you think that you're suffering from an emotional addiction? Taylor: Yeah, pretty much all my life. 'Cause I never really knew my dad and my mom is... kind of like Idi Amin with fake boobs. You know, big on the torturing and the tyranny, not so big on the nurturing. Doctor: I see. Taylor: And then from there, I just kind of became this person who whenever anybody would hold out, like, the slightest prospect of emotional support, I would just seize on it. Like, I married a man who I knew for two weeks just because he told me he loved me. Doctor: And how has that manifest itself now? Taylor: Well, I'm dating this guy, Ryan And he's just really wonderful and... I really care about him a lot, but I told him that I needed some space because... Doctor: Because you know that you're not ready for a mature relationship and you don't want to ruin it? Taylor: Yes. Exactly. Doctor: And how has that been? Taylor: This time apart? Well, that's kind of the other problem. sometimes, when I like someone, I... sometimes... kind of, uh, stalk them. Not in like a scary Star 80 way. Just to, you know, like, follow them around and take pictures and log their activities and then compile it all in a factually accurate, yet aesthetically pleasing scrapbook, and it's all really very... Oh, my God, I'm a total lunatic. Doctor: Taylor, you are not a lunatic. You recognize that this behavior is not healthy and you want to correct it. Taylor: I do. I really, really do. Doctor: All right, well... as you know, from my article, my methods are very aggressive. Taylor: Okay. I'm in your hands, Doctor. At Roberts' Kaitlin: What are you doing? Julie: Neil and I bought these in Cabo. I'm selling them. Kaitlin: Why? Julie: Because times are tough, Kaitlin. Kaitlin: Well, do I need to remind you that your boyfriend's a billionaire? Julie: No, he's not. I mean... Are you cheating on Bullit? No, I'm not even dating him. That fizzled when he went to Dubai. Kaitlin: Oh. Well, he thinks you guys are still dating. Julie: Have you been talking to him? Kaitlin: No. Just a couple e-mails. And what have you told him? Julie: Nothing. Kaitlin: Just... I know he really likes you. And I know he thinks you guys are still a couple. But wait, are you seeing anyone else? Julie: That's none of your business. Kaitlin: Fine. Okay, well, what are you going to tell the Bullit? 'Cause he comes back today. Julie: Will you please answer that? [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Julie Cooper? Kaitlin: Um... yeah. Thank you. "Can't wait till tomorrow night. Miss you already." At the doctor Doctor: Mrs. Cohen, thanks for waiting. So, tell me what's going on? Kirsten: Well, the last few weeks I've been feeling weak... just drained of energy. There's been some nausea and light-headedness. Doctor: Now, I have to ask: have you been drinking? Kaitlin: Not a drop. Doctor: And has there been any undue stress? Kirsten: No. I mean, not more than usual. Doctor: Well, let's take some blood. Then we'll be able to tell you something. Ooh, you turn 40 tomorrow. Happy birthday. Kirsten: Thanks. At the shopping center Seth: You're crazy. Che: Seth... Seth: I thought you wanted to release turtles into the ocean or something. I'm not going to help you steal Newport Chuck. Che: Why, 'cause he looks so happy down there? Seth: I don't know, he seems to be doing all right with the free carrot deal. Che: Well, I see this was a mistake. I guess we don't have all that much in common after all. Who knows what might have been. Seth: Oh, God. Fine. Okay. Che: What? Seth: You know, you helped me heal my inner otter, I owe you. You mean, you want to help? Che: Yeah, that's it... Seth: ...I feel we have a bond. So what's the plan? At the airport Gordon: Hey, Peanut. I just left the airport. Kaitlin: We need to talk. Gordon: Not if it's about that duty-free booze you asked me to buy. Kaitlin: No, it's definitely not about that. There's a little something that I should talk to you about. Gordon: Okay, then why don't you meet me at the jewelry store. Kaitlin: What are you talking about? Gordon: Well, Squirt, I liked your mother before I left, but these e-mails I've been getting lately, especially the last one... let's just say, I like the way her mind works. Yes, she is the girl for me. Kaitlin: You're going to ask her to marry you? Oh, damn am. Gordon: Why? What were you going to tell me? Kaitlin: Nothing. She loves anything that's an emerald cut. Gordon: So you're saying I should ask her? Kaitlin: Yeah, absolutely. You should totally ask her. Totally. At Roberts - Taylor's bedroom Summer: You saved a valet ticket? Taylor: Oh, yeah, that's from our third date. He's a very generous tipper. You wouldn't know it to look at him. Summer: What's this? Taylor: Toothpick. Summer: Gross. Taylor: Well, he didn't use it... much. Summer: Okay, Taylor... although I wholeheartedly support you getting rid of everything in this box for purely sanitary reasons, If you like Ryan and he likes you, screw the therapist and figure out your stuff together. I mean, all of this just seems a little insane. Taylor: Summer, my whole life I've been completely powerless before people who say they have feelings for me. I feel like I need to do this for myself as much as for me and Ryan. Summer: Even if you lose him? Taylor: If I don't do this, I'm going to lose him anyway. I don't have a choice. Summer: Okay. Well, I hope you know what you're doing. Taylor: Yeah. Me, too. Jettey Ryan: Kaitlin. Kaitlin: Ryan. Hi. Ryan: Hey. You buying some jewelry? Kaitlin: Yeah, just buying some class rings. Ryan: Are you here with someone? Kaitlin: No. Are you? Ryan: Yeah, Sandy's buying part of Kirsten's birthday present. Hey, how's Taylor been? Kaitlin: Well... weird. Ryan: Weird like...? Kaitlin: Weirder than normal. Ryan: Really? Kaitlin: Yeah. A little bit. Hi, Mr. Cohen. Sandy: Kaitlin, you coming to the party tomorrow? Kaitlin: Um, yeah, totally. Listen, I got to go, but I'll see you guys. Ryan: Everything okay? Sandy: No. The guy in Carson. I just got a message. He lost it. Ryan: He lost it? Sandy: Yeah. I don't know how you do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Gordon: The hell you hiding from? Kaitlin: You scared me. Gordon: Well, quit hiding out in the shadows like some Al Quaeda wacko. Kaitlin: I just thought I saw my mom. So what'd you end up getting? Gordon: Yeah, I did. How you like that? Kaitlin: Wow. Is it the most expensive one? Gordon: Well, Bullit bought it. Of course it is. And your mama deserves it. Kaitlin: Good. All right. Now let's talk about that proposal. Gordon: No, I got it worked out. This Iranian fellow on my flight played me this Persian love song on his cell phone. So I downloaded it. Check that out. Kaitlin: Mm-hmm, let's definitely talk about that proposal. Gordon: It's gonna work. In Seth's car Che: No, once the truck is outside for the ceremony tomorrow, there's going to be too many eyes. The best bet is to break into the lobby and take him from the city hall. Seth: But the door is locked. Che: The main door's locked, yes. But yesterday, I took a tour of the city hall and I taped the lock on the fire door on the roof. Seth: How is that tour by the way? I've always wondered. Che: You know, it's surprisingly good. Good local history, doesn't get too anecdotal. Seth: Oh, great. How do we get on the roof? Che: You know what this is? A grappling hook. I climbed Denali last year. It's an Outward Bound course. This is gonna be like a piece of cake. Seth: I've never climbed. Che: I brought a papoose for you. Seth; Oh, great. Okay, so we climb on the roof, we break in, we break Chuck out of his cage, we climb down the roof. Che: And return him to the savannahs of his childhood. Seth: I actually heard he was captured in Irvine, but just one thing... Che: Yeah. Seth: You know this plan is insane, right? It'll never work. Che: Seth, when the universe intends for something to happen, it will happen. How about a pre-op snow cone? Seth: Oh, great. Che: I'm talking your language now, huh? You like snow cones? Seth: I like... my favorite flavor is cherry, but my dad's is blueberry. At Cohen's Ryan: Hi. Doctor: Are you Ryan Atwood? Ryan: Yeah. Can I help you? Doctor: This is from Taylor. Ryan: O... kay. Excuse me. Wait. Who are you? Doctor: Dr. James. I'm helping Taylor through some issues. Ryan: So you're her therapist. Doctor: More of an emotional crisis manager. Ryan: And she gave you... Is she in your car? Psy: Uh, Mr. Atwood... Ryan: Taylor, what is this? What's going on? Doctor: Ryan, I have instructed her that she should have no direct contact with you for one week. Ryan: Uh, okay, but she's right here. Taylor. Taylor. Ryan: Can you just please tell him that I'm sorry, but I really think this is what's best for me and us? Doctor: Ryan, she's sorry, but she... Ryan: Yeah, I heard that. Taylor, would you talk to me, please? This is crazy. All right, would you at least tell me what this is about? Are you breaking up with me? Doctor: She asks that you trust her for a while longer. Ryan: Taylor, look, whatever the reason you're doing all this, you don't have to-- we can work on it together. Please. Please. Taylor: Good-bye, Ryan. Ryan: Does that mean... Okay, you're gonna... At the city hall Seth: Hey, little buddy. Che. Che. What was wrong with the elevator? Che: Nothing. I just really love doing that. Hey, little duder. Seth: What was that? Che: Let's get... let's get it out. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Seth: Okay, where are the ropes? Che: I left them inside. Seth: Dude... Che: No, it's all right. Uh... relax. I'll go get them. Here. Seth: Do you want to...? Che: Give it here. Seth: Hey. There some sort of problem? Che: Uh... it is possible that the piece of tape I put over the lock got torn through. Seth: So are you saying we're stuck up here? Che: No. As long as I can... Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Che: Get out. Seth: Che, what are you doing? Che: I didn't mean to wake you up. I'm meditating over a dream. You realize this is the second time you and I have spent the night together? Seth: So? Che: So... does that mean anything to you? Seth: You'll be going on your little adventures by yourself from now on? Che: Seth... when the universe... intends for something to happen...it will happen, and our personal desires or natural predilections, they just don't figure in. In fact... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you. Man: This belong to you two? Che: Crouch behind me. At Cohen's Sandy: Oh! Happy birthday, sweetheart. Kirsten: Thanks. Sandy: Hey. Come on. Sit down. I am making you a birthday breakfast you won't believe. Kirsten: Oh, that's sweet, but, Sandy, I don't think I'm in the mood for a big breakfast. Sandy: Oh, you're taking this turning-40 thing a little hard, aren't you? You know, it's not the end of the world. You're more beautiful now than the day we met. Soon, Seth and Ryan'll be gone. We'll be able to do whatever we want. We'll be like kids again. Kirsten: And live in the back of a mail truck? Sandy: Why not? 'Course, maybe we'll throw in a pillow-top mattress. My back's not what it used to be. Kirsten: Sandy... Ryan: Hey! Happy birthday. Kirsten: Oh... Hey, thanks. Ryan: Did I interrupt something? Kirsten: No! Ryan: Okay. Kirsten: Oh. Excuse me. Sandy: Hey, dinner reservations 8:00. Don't make any plans. Ryan: Any luck yet? Sandy: Nothing. I must've made 30 calls yesterday. Ryan: All right. Well, anything you need me to do today, I'm all yours. Sandy: Thanks. I feel she really needs this. [SCENE_BREAK] Kirsten: Of course I can see the doctor today, but can't she just tell me? I understand. She wants to tell me in person. At the shopping center Julie: Hi, babe. Kaitlin: Mom, where are you? Julie: I'm at the spa getting shined and buffed. What's up? Kaitlin: What does it feel like when your appendix bursts? While walking Taylor: I don't feel proud. Doctor: Well, you should be. What you did yesterday was very difficult. Taylor: Yeah, but the look on his face... I just wanted to hold him. Doctor: And you will, but first you have to take care of yourself. Excuse me. Hello. Yes. Oh. All right. Listen, I've got to go. Another patient's having a crisis. But we'll talk later. Taylor: Okay. All right. Oh, God, I'm sorry. Sorry about that. Man: You guys must be getting ready for the festival. Yeah. Thanks. Uh... okay. Come on, guys, let's go. Uh... We don't want to be late. At Roberts' Julie: Kaitlin? Kaitlin: Mom, I'm fine. Julie: What? Wh...? What are all these flowers doing here? Kaitlin: There's someone who wants to ask you something. Julie: What are you talking about? Gordon: There you are. Julie: Gordon!? Gordon: You are a sight for sore eyes. Come to Big Daddy. Julie: Okay, everybody stop. What is going on? You're not dying and... Gordon, what are you doing here? Gordon: It's time, squirt. Hit it. Kaitlin: I really don't think that it's... Gordon: Trust me. Hit it. Kaitlin: Okay. Julie: Oh. My God. Gordon: Julie Cooper, I've traveled the world over, had everything money can buy, but there comes a time in a billionaire's life that his money ain't worth a dime unless he has someone to share it with. Will you marry me? Julie: I don't know what to say. Gordon: Oh, a "yes" works for me. Kaitlin: Mom, isn't this great? Julie: Y... I-it's very, very nice, but, please, stand up. I'm, I'm flattered, but... w-will you turn that off, please? Kaitlin: Okay. Julie: Fine. Thank you. I guess I'm just surprised. Gordon: Well, when I see something I want, I go for it like a bullet. Bang. Julie: But, Gordon, we haven't spoken since you went to Dubai. Kaitlin: Mom, he just asked you to marry him. I mean... look at the ring. It's ri-dog-ulous. Gordon: An-and what about all those e-mails? I've never seen so many X's and O's and that would be hugs and kisses, right? Julie: W-what e-mails? Kaitlin: You know, the music was actually really awesome. Gordon: And especially that last one-- you know the one, where you said... Kaitlin: Oh, crap. In jail Summer: Hello. Che:Caterpillar. Summer: Che, oh, my God, he looks so sad. Che: Who? Summer: Newport Chuck. I'm looking at him right now-- I thought you were going to rescue him. Che: Well, things didn't go exactly as planned. Are you at the pier right now? Summer: Yeah. They're setting up for the ceremony right now. Where are you? Che: The Man caught me. Summer: What? You're in jail, Che? Che: No, don't. No, don't worry about me. You have to focus on Chuck. He needs you right now. Caterpillar, you have to rescue him. Summer: No. Che, I told you not to involve me. Che: Sometimes, Summer... our destiny is chosen for us. Summer: All right. I'll see what I can do. Che: Okay. It's all you. Man: I was next. Who should I call? Park Taylor: I see. So, who else is on stage other than the mayor and, obviously, Newport Chuck? Woman: Well, a couple of the mayor's men, some city council members, a few police officers. Taylor: And so, uh, that's it? Woman: Mmm. Wait. There's also a few people dressed as groundhogs. What paper did you say you're with? Taylor: Uh... Groundhog's Day Weekly. which comes out once a year, usually around... Woman: Groundhog Day? Taylor: Yes. Thank you so much. At Roberts - Kaitlin's bedroom Julie: You were e-mailing him and pretending to be me? Kaitlin: I just know you don't deal well with long-distance relationships. I thought you might regret it. Julie: Really? That's the reason? Has nothing to do with you being sick of eating frozen dinners? Kaitlin: What? And your saying no has nothing to do with the fact you're seeing a mystery man? Julie: A.) I never said no. B.) That is my private life. Kaitlin, there is more to relationships than just money. I don't care for The Bullit just because he's a billionaire. Kaitlin: Maybe I care a little bit. But the reason why I would've told him to marry you is because I know he loves you, and he's a really nice guy, and he's really funny...and he'd make an amazing step-dad. Julie: You have to tell him the truth. Kaitlin: What are you gonna tell him? Julie: I don't know. Kaitlin: Well, better make up your mind quick...'cause I'm taking him with me to Kirsten's party. At Cohen's Kirsten: Hello. Julie: Kirsten. I need your help. Oh. Happy birthday. Kirsten: Thanks. Julie: Bullit just proposed to me. Kirsten: That's nice. Julie: I told him I'd give him an answer by tonight, but the truth is...I've been seeing someone else in secret. You'll never believe who. Kirsten: Julie, I'm, I'm gonna lie down. Congratulations. Park Sandy: That was a guy at the junkyard at Chatsworth. He's got one. He says he can have it at the yacht club in an hour. Ryan: Sounds like everything's gonna be okay. Sandy: Well, let's hope. What's going on with you and Taylor? Come on. You've been in the dumps today. Ryan: Honestly, I don't know. She said she needs space; I said, "Sure." Taylor: Stupid tree. Oh... dumb branches. Ryan: I sort of talked to her. Sandy: Taylor was right there, right? Ryan: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah; but she wasn't supposed to be talking to me. She would say something and then the therapist would say it again to me. Wow. It's crazy, huh? Sandy: Yeah. I mean, a little, but... Ryan: And, I mean, I want her to do what she needs to do. Sandy: Did you tell her that? Ryan: I tried. Sandy: Excuse me. Ryan: Yeah, sure. Sandy: Yeah, hello. Seth? Where are you? Taylor: Oh, no... Ryan: Oh, whoa, you... You okay? Taylor? What are you doing? Taylor: I was just... Ryan: Taylor, are you okay? Taylor: I'm sorry. Just... forget you ever knew me. In jail Seth: My dad said he'll be right over. Che: What about me? Seth: Don't worry, Dale. He knows you're here, too. Che: But I don't wanna leave. Seth, I haven't been honest with you. Uh... remember in the sweat lodge when you discovered that your animus was a sea otter? Seth: Mm-hmm. Che: Well... see, I had a dream that night, too. Uh... and I discovered that my animal self was a bullfrog. Seth: Oh... that's awesome; frogs are cool. Che: Yeah, but there's, there's kinda more to it. See... I also discovered that the animus of my soul mate... Well, see, my... in the dream, my bullfrog was in love... w-with...a groundhog. It wasn't an otter at all. Seth: What? Wha-What wasn't an otter? Che: Never mind. No, nothing. What? Seth: You were gonna say... Che! Che: Never mind. Seth: Che, what wasn't an otter? Man: I ate a squirrel once. Seth: That's great. Cop: Cohen, Cook, someone's posted bail for you. Che: Whew! Seth: You coming? Che: No, you go. I'm not leaving till we're both free. Seth: Works for me. At Cohen's Kirsten: Sandy, where have you been? I called you three times. Sandy: Well, it's been a busy afternoon. Kirsten: Please tell me that you haven't planned anything big tonight. Sandy: Well, on your birthday, sorry, but I plead the Fifth. Listen, can you meet me at the yacht club? Kirsten: I thought we were going together. Sandy: Yeah, I know, but I had to make other arrangements. Kirsten: Sandy... Sandy: I'll see you in a few minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: Hi, Dad. I hope I'm not late for Mom's party. [SCENE_BREAK] Man: Kirsten Cohen? Kirsten: Yes? Man: I'm here to take you to your husband. Yatch club Ryan: I cannot believe that you tried to steal Newport Chuck. Seth: Sometimes the universe makes you do things that you don't even understand. Ryan: Sure. Well, Sandy didn't seem to upset about it. Seth: Are you kidding? He's waited 18 years for me to be arrested for political activism. It's probably the proudest moment of his entire life. Ryan: Ah! It's your mom. Good evening. Kirsten: Good evening. Thank you. Ryan: You're welcome. Seth: Happy birthday. Kirsten: Oh, thank you. I hope your father didn't do anything too extravagant. Ryan: Ooh, might be a little late for that, yeah. Kirsten: Oh, my God. Ryan: Yeah, that was my first thought, too. Sandy: Happy birthday, sweetheart. Kirsten: Oh... Sandy, it's... Sandy: No, it's not the same mail truck we had at Berkeley, but it is exactly the same model. Kirsten: It's amazing. Thank you. Sandy: And here's your real present. Happy birthday. Around-the-world first-class air tickets. Just you and me. That's not bad, huh? Kirsten: Ah... I-I think I can... I can top it. Can I talk to you in private? Sandy: Yeah. Kirsten: You two stay here. Sandy: Fellas, watch the truck. [SCENE_BREAK] Kirsten: I want you seated for this. Sandy: Is everything okay? Kirsten: I went to a doctor. Sandy: Are you sick? Kirsten: Yes. But only in the mornings. Sandy: What? Kirsten: I'm pregnant. Sandy: Wait, one more time. Kirsten: Sandy, we're having a baby. Sandy: We're having a baby?! Kirsten: Everything's gonna change. Sandy: You're not kidding. I love you. Kirsten: Well, that's good, because there's gonna be a lot more of me to love. Sandy: Oh, my gosh. [SCENE_BREAK] Kaitlin: And then Brad was, like, "Oh, no," and I was, like, "Oh, yeah." Gordon: Well, that Brad sounds like a piece of work. And I still can't believe you wrote me all those e-mails. Kaitlin: Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Gordon: And that last one, a little frisky, a little inappropriate. Aw, but what the hell. The offer still stands she's still the most exciting woman I've ever met. Julie: Kaitlin. Gordon. Kaitlin: Mom, did you hear that? The Bullit still wants to marry you. Julie: Yes. Well, Gordon, that's very generous. But I'm afraid my answer has to be no. Sit down; I'm not finished. As I was saying, no because we don't know each other well enough. But... I'm willing to correct that. I like you, Gordon, and if after spending time together, I can grow to love you, then... yes, I would be proud to be your wife. Gordon: Wow. Oh, wow. Come here. Kaitlin: Can I get up now? Julie: Yes, of course you can get up. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: Oh, my God. Ryan: Oh, my God. Sandy: That's what I said. Kirsten: I know this isn't what everybody expected. Sandy: That's family, there's nothing more important than that. I mean... I mean, you're... you're pregnant. Seth: It's so weird. Ryan: Yeah, well, congratulations. Seth: Yeah, it's great. Sandy: Especially since it makes me getting arrested seem trivial now... Kirsten: You got what? Seth: Thanks for prepping her, Dad. Sandy: Oh, that we'll deal with that later. Uh, right now... we've got some guests inside. Seth: Actually, I was gonna ru and pick up Summer, so... Ryan: Oh, could you give me a ride, 'cause I got... Seth: Go tell Taylor that you love her and you can't live without her? Ryan: Mm, something like that. Hey, I'll see you guys in a few minutes. Kirsten: Yeah. And suddenly, we're alone again. Sandy: Eh, not for long. At Roberts - Summer's bedroom Summer: Take care of him. Che: Don't worry-- soon enough he'll be burrowing away with his little brothers and sisters. Listen, I'm so sorry that I got you arrested. I should've never asked to borrow your costume. I didn't mean to get you into trouble. Summer: It's okay-- turns out the mayor's a lover of our animal brethren. He gave us both amnesty. Che: Yeah, and this way we got to meet. Girl: The universe works in mysterious ways. Summer: So your dream was right all along-- that's amazing! Seth: Hey. Wow, crowded room. You guys off? Che: Yes. To where the winds of libery blow over the mountaintops. Seth: You mean Chicago or something? Che: Take care, you two In another life, brother. Summer: So, are we too late for your mom's birthday party? Seth: Uh, actually, I think it may be more of a baby shower now, but I'll explain in the car, or maybe I won't. I think it's supposed to be a secret. Listen, what did, uh, Che mean when he said "in another life"? In another life what? At Roberts - Taylor's bedroom Taylor: Hello? Hello? Ryan: Oh, yeah... Taylor: Who is this? Ryan: What are you wearing? Taylor: Ryan? Were you just trying to stalk me? Ryan: Yeah, I guess I need a little more practice. Taylor: That is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. Ryan: So does that mean the whole, uh, space thing... Taylor: Yeah, terrible idea. You don't mind dating someone who's a total weirdo? Ryan: No, no. In fact, I was thinking we could work around it. Like, I have to go to Kirsten's party, but if you wanted... you could follow me. Taylor: Yes, and then when we get there, I could hide behind a plant and just kind of watch you. Ryan: Exactly, exactly. And then, on the way home, I could stalk you. Taylor: Yes! And then I stalk you. Yatch club Julie: Hi. It's me. No, I-I won't be making it tonight. Listen, I, uh... I'm back with Bullit. I know. I know. But this is the best thing for my family. I'm sorry. Frank: Me, too. Julie: Good-bye, Frank. End of the episode.

Ryan tries to act like he doesn't miss Taylor, who is seeing a therapist. Kirsten's turning 40 but has her mind focused on other things. Julie is having an affair that Kaitlin does all she can to stop. Che makes a discovery about Seth.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_04x23

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_04x23_0

THE MOONBASE by GERRY DAVIS (Uncredited) and KIT PEDLER first broadcast - 11th February, 1967 running time - 24mins 18secs [SCENE_BREAK] 1. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Continuing on from THE UNDERWATER MENACE - Intending to go to Mars, the Doctor has tried to set the co-ordinates but the TARDIS, in usual style, is out of control and everybody (DOCTOR, BEN, POLLY, & JAMIE) is being thrown about the room as the DOCTOR wrestles with the controls.) BEN: Doctor, do something! DOCTOR: I'm trying to! (More cries are heard as the Doctor wrestled with the controls and soon everything returns to "normal" as the lights come back on and the floor stops shaking.) DOCTOR: Everything back under control again. (BEN, meanwhile, has been watching the scanner.) BEN: Here, we're landing! Look! (On the scanner, a small planetoid can be seen rushing towards them at a great rate of speed.) BEN: Coming at a fair rate! JAMIE: (Standing up and rubbing his head.) Oh, thank the lord for that. You know, Doctor, I'll never ask you to do that again. DOCTOR: (Staring at JAMIE.) There wasn't any call for that. POLLY: (Staring at the Scanner.) Anyway, Doctor, you... you've done it. It's Mars! It must be. You've landed the TARDIS exactly where you said you would. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. LUNAR SURFACE (With its usual wheezing/groaning sound the TARDIS fades into existence on a cold rocky surface. Wherever the TARDIS has landed, it certainly isn't Mars.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. TARDIS CONTROL ROOM BEN: Hey, wait a mo! This doesn't look like Mars to me. POLLY: How do you know? You never seen it. BEN: No, Duchess, but I have seen pictures of the moon surface and that's what this looks like. JAMIE: That's the moon? POLLY: Doctor, is it the moon? (Shamefaced, the DOCTOR only nods.) BEN: (Laughing.) Oh well, you weren't too far out, were you? Only two hundred million miles! DOCTOR: (Deadly serious.) All right, let's move on - while we can. (He starts to turn back to the controls.) BEN: What? POLLY: Now wait a minute! You don't expect to land us on the moon and let us fly off just like that, do you? BEN: Yeah, at least let us have a look around! JAMIE: That picture canna be the moon? The moon's way up in the sky. (BEN and POLLY start towards the main doors.) DOCTOR: Where do you think you're going? BEN: You're not going to tell us there is no shore leave. POLLY: Oh please Doctor. The TARDIS isn't out of control or anything is it? (This puts the Doctor on the defensive.) DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. Just a bumpy landing. BEN: (Half laughing.) Yeah? DOCTOR: (Making a decision.) Well, if you must go ashore... only half an hour. BEN: Right. POLLY: Super. (They both make for the doors again.) DOCTOR: You can't go ashore like that! You need space suits, there's no atmosphere out there. Come on, there's some in the chest. (The DOCTOR and POLLY opens the chest and starts to take out four space suits, meanwhile BEN and JAMIE look at the scanner.) JAMIE: Maybe we'll meet the old man in the moon. BEN: (Laughing.) You won't meet anybody mate if you don't get some gear on. JAMIE: What? Oh aye. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. LUNAR SURFACE (The landscape is briefly illuminated by a series of pulses from a strange spacecraft, hidden from the TARDIS by an overhanging crater. Some time later, all four of them leave the TARDIS and look around.) DOCTOR: Come on now, lets go over here. (He starts to move away.) POLLY: Hey, look at this. DOCTOR: It`s deserted. JAMIE: Yeah, I don't think I like it. (They carry on walking. Suddenly POLLY, who was in the lead, stops...) POLLY: Look, over there. (POLLY sees the flash of a landing spaceship, however by the time the others get to her, it has long gone.) JAMIE: I'll don't see anything. BEN: What did you see? POLLY: Some sort of great glow in the sky. BEN: Probably your eyes getting used to the lunar light. Hey, Doctor? DOCTOR: Possibly. (They carry on walking and then POLLY again stops and looks down at her heavy footwear.) POLLY: Hey, what do we need this great clogs for? DOCTOR: Try a little jump. POLLY: All right. (POLLY jumps but she jumps about 10 feet, higher than a normal person can jump. She rolls over as she lands. BEN and JAMIE laugh, both jumping too but colliding in mid-air.) DOCTOR: (Concerned.) Careful! One tear in that space suit and you'll suffocate. POLLY: (To BEN.) You never told me that you took ballet lessons, Ben. (Everybody laughs at this. POLLY does another jump, higher than BEN's.) POLLY: (To JAMIE.) Come on, it's easy. BEN: Look out, here I come. (JAMIE, with his jump jumps too far and flies off over a ridge.) POLLY: Where's he gone? BEN: Over there. (The three plod over the ridge to find JAMIE and...) POLLY: (Staring.) What on Earth? Look! (...see some kind of Moonbase. A large dome seems to dominate the centre of the base but there are lots of small buildings nearby. JAMIE is lying unconscious at the base of the dome.) BEN: Blimey! What is it? POLLY: Doctor, what is it? DOCTOR: I don't know. POLLY: (Seeing JAMIE.) Hey, I can see Jamie, there he is. (It's clear that JAMIE has crashed into a plastic dome near to one of the buildings.) BEN: Hey, there's somebody coming out. (Two men emerge from a nearby door wearing space suits and carry JAMIE inside.) DOCTOR: (Starting down.) Come on, let's go. (The others climb down and bang on the door, which is closed. Suddenly the door slides open and they enter. Behind them the door closes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. CONTROL ROOM (Inside the dome, men are busy in a weather control room. It has lots of control banks and personnel. Dominating the room is some kind of telescope but it doesn't look like one. There are three main control personnel, HOBSON, a English man and the controller, BENOIT, a Frenchman and his assistant and Number Two and NILS, a Dutchman, and communicator and Number Three. All three of them look worried and under some kind of strain. Nearby is the power room where the power for the "telescope" (The Gravitron) is stored and created. Suddenly an alarm sounds as one of the personnel in the room, all wearing caps, collapses and HOBSON, BENOIT and some of the others rush in to see what the problem is. Black veins snake up from his neck to his face.) BENOIT: What on Earth is it? (It's seems that the man was poisoned due to some kind of plague.) HOBSON: I don't know. Get him along to the Medical unit. BENOIT: But Doctor Evans has gone down with it as well. HOBSON: Yes, I know that but the relief doctor from Earth should be here on the next shuttle. Roger. BENOIT: Yes, of course. (Turning to another man.) Bob, give me a hand, will you? BOB: Yes, right. (BOB and BENOIT pick up the man, careful not to let the black veined skin touch them, and move out of the room.) HOBSON: And... (Pointing to another man.) Jules, you take over. (JULES looks a little worried at being given a large and important task.) HOBSON: Come on, he won't bite you. (JULES takes over the position.) HOBSON: (Thinking.) There must be some source to this infection. (To NILS.) We better get the lads in here and tell them what's happening. Get them on the blower will you, Nils. NILS: Okay Nobby. (He turns and speaks into a microphone.) NILS: Nils, speaking. We, er... We got a bit of a flap on up here... [SCENE_BREAK] 6. JUST OFF THE CONTROL ROOM (While the DOCTOR and the others are entering the room, without their helmets but still in their spacesuits, NILS' voice can be heard over the loudspeaker.) NILS: (OOV.) Mr. Hobson wants a word with you all... (The man himself walks in and stops and the sight of the three new arrivals (JAMIE has been taken off somewhere).) HOBSON: Hello. Where did you lot spring from? Don't tell me the shuttle rocket arrived already? DOCTOR: No, it hasn't. (One of the two men that carried JAMIE inside the base turns to HOBSON. His name is SAM.) SAM: There was another one with them, sir. Bob taken him along to the Medical unit. He's all right. He's just knocked himself out or something. HOBSON: (Sighing.) Oh no, if we haven't got enough troubles already. They've been through the sterile room? SAM: Yes, Nobby. DOCTOR: We don't want to cause you any trouble. Just let us collect our young friend and we'll be off. (POLLY starts to move towards the door. HOBSON grabs her on the arm.) HOBSON: Hey, not so fast. POLLY: Please let me go and see Jamie. BENOIT: I will take you there Mademoiselle. If you come with me. HOBSON: (Makes a choice.) All right, young lady. You can carry on. BENOIT: (Showing POLLY the way.) This way. (They both leave.) HOBSON: But I just like to have a word with you two. (Looking at the DOCTOR's manner of dress and hair-style.) HOBSON: You can do with a extra bactical check by the look of it. DOCTOR: (Slightly annoyed.) Bactical check? HOBSON: That's what I said. BEN: Well, thanks. DOCTOR: I'll let you know that our TARDIS is as sterile... (He stops as he sees that HOBSON is fishing for information.) HOBSON: TARDIS? DOCTOR: Our space craft. NILS: (Coming across.) They're all here, sir. Any time you're ready. HOBSON: Right. (To the DOCTOR.) Well, we'll learn about your spacecraft a little later. Meanwhile, you better come along with me and meet my team and listen to what I have to say. DOCTOR: Thank you very much. (They all move forward into the control room which is now packed with people.) HOBSON: Well, you know what this place is? DOCTOR: Well, it looks like some sort of weather control centre. (He notices the Gravitron.) DOCTOR: Ah, yes. And that's the thing with which you control the weather. That's the culprit then. BEN: Hey? DOCTOR: Hmmm. That's what gave us a bumpy landing. Some sort of gravity device. HOBSON: (Incredulous.) Some sort of Gravity device?! You are from Earth aren't you? DOCTOR: (Shifty.) Yes. HOBSON: Well, where have you been for the past 20 years. Every school kid knows about the Gravitron in there. DOCTOR: (Seeing.) Ah, yes. It must be about the year 2050, Ben. HOBSON: We've got a proper Rip Van Winkle here. (Some men laugh.) HOBSON: It's 2070, in case you like to know. DOCTOR: (Beaming at BEN.) There you are - I was only twenty years out. HOBSON: (Turning to the crew.) Well, before we all forget what century we're in, I'd better tell you why I have called you here. DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) Won't you introduce us first. I am a Doctor. HOBSON: The Doctor? You're arrived just in time. We need your help. DOCTOR: Do you? HOBSON: I'll see you in a moment. (He turns back.) HOBSON: Now, this virus... DOCTOR: I may be able to help you if you introduce us. (HOBSON gives up.) HOBSON: Right, Doctor. You'd better meet them all. We're all scientists you see. No room for idle hands, I see to that. Roger Benoit, beside you here, is my assistant. He takes over as Chief Scientist if anything happens to me. (BENOIT nods a greeting.) HOBSON: He's a physicist like us and Joe Bentsburg. Nils, our mad Dane, is an astronomer and mathematician as is Charlie here. Ralph, Jules and Frances are geologists. When they are not acting as cooks, looks-outs, general... you know... handyman. DOCTOR: And this is where you control the Earth's weather. HOBSON: Hm-Hmm. DOCTOR: I see. BENOIT: The gravitron controls the tides, the tides controls the weather. (He shows a console.) BENOIT: And from this console we can plot it all on that map. (He points to the map of the world on the wall.) BENOIT: Simple, eh? BEN: Yeah, very simple. (Closer to the DOCTOR.) BEN: Wish we had this back in 1966. DOCTOR: (Smiling.) Why? Was it a bad year... (Another alarm sounds and a man in the Gravitron room begins to wave his hands to the others before he collapses.) HOBSON: It's Jim. Quick Francois, take over. (Jim is carefully pulled away from his controls and Francois takes his place. The Gravitron starts to move downwards and this is quickly spotted.) BENOIT: Cursor Five over the Pacific is starting to move. BEN: What does that mean? DOCTOR: Some form of change in the weather. HOBSON: We're soon hear from Earth what it means. NILS: (From communicator.) Here it comes! (A voice comes from the communicator.) VOICE: (OOV.) International Space Control Earth calling Weather Control Moon - come in please. NILS: (Into microphone.) Moonport - standing by. BEN: It's never done that before, Doctor. (HOBSON is now by the communicator.) HOBSON: Hobson here. VOICE: (OOV.) What's happening up there? The hurricane you were guiding is now 45 degrees off course. It's threatening Hawaii. HOBSON: One of my men were taken ill. We're operational again now. VOICE: (OOV.) The controller would like to know the cause of the illness. HOBSON: Yes, so would we. We now have three men down with this mysterious virus in the past few hours - including the Doctor. VOICE: (OOV.) One moment please. Stand by for further instructions. (HOBSON turns to the other crewmen.) HOBSON: Just hang on for a few moments lads. We better hear what the great Mr. Rinberg has to say. NILS: Nobby? HOBSON: Yes. NILS: There it is again. I'll play it back to you. (We hear HOBSON again but this time there is some kind of high-pitched whine behind it.) TAPE: "Yes, so would we. We now have three men down with this mysterious virus in the past few hours - including the Doctor." VOICE: (Tape OOV.) "One moment please. Stand by for further instructions." NILS: Here the big noise ratio on that re-run. We're being monitored again. HOBSON: Monitored? NILS: Someone, not too far away from the base, is listening to every word we say. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. SPACE SHIP, INTERIOR (Inside the spaceship every word is heard. Even though, we can't see anybody, we know that somebody or thing is here. Listening. We can hear the voice from Earth and Hobson over the ship's radio.) VOICE: (OOV.) "Moonbase, Moonbase, come in Moonbase." HOBSON: (OOV.) Still standing by. HOBSON: (OOV.) Well? VOICE: (OOV.) Your instruction's to send blood samples back to Earth for investigation. HOBSON: (OOV.) Well, when can we do that? The next shuttle rocket's not for another month. VOICE: (OOV.) Then they must be put on that rocket. In the meantime the Moonbase is to put into quarantine. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. CONTROL ROOM HOBSON: Quarantine!! What if these men aren't fit enough to get back to work. I shall need replacements. VOICE: (OOV.) If you radio information about this virus, we can do our best to identify it and suggest treatment. (HOBSON is not happy about this state of affairs.) HOBSON: I demand to speak to Rinberg. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. SPACE SHIP, INTERIOR (Again every word can be heard.) VOICE: (OOV.) The controller is busy - sorry. Over and out. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. CONTROL ROOM NILS: That whole conversion was monitored by someone or something. HOBSON: Oh, never mind about that now. That Rinberg fellow won't talk to you. How can we trace down this mystery illness with the Doctor himself down with it. DOCTOR: (To BEN.) We better get out of these things and see how Jamie is. (To HOBSON.) Perhaps I can be of help in the sick bay. HOBSON: Anything you can do... Bob! (Another crewman comes over.) BOB: Yes, Mr Hobson? HOBSON: Show them to the Medical unit will you? BOB: Yes, of course. (To the DOCTOR and BEN.) If you will come this way. DOCTOR: Yes. Thank you. (All three leave the room as HOBSON turns back to the rest of the crewmen.) HOBSON: Well, you all heard the position. We don't know what this inflection is and how it got into the base but I want you all to take extra precautions while this emergency is on. We may be short-handed for quite a while. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. SICKBAY (This room is half-full with beds which are full of people and instruments. JAMIE is currently lying on one of the beds and BEN and the DOCTOR are now back in their normal clothes and are looking at some readings. POLLY is here and has, by now, some understanding of some of the units about her.) POLLY: (Attaching a circular unit to JAMIE's chest.) Is this how its goes, Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes, that's right. Then, this unit automatically controls the pulse, the temperature and the breathing. POLLY: A sort of electronic Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes. Almost got stripe trousers. BEN: It even give you medicines too. DOCTOR: Yes. It will do very nearly everything. POLLY: Can't be nice to him. How do you think he is, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, he's not too bad. He's a bit concussed and feverish but he'll be all right with rest. (JAMIE starts to groan.) JAMIE: (Softly.) The Piper! The McCrimmon Piper! Don't let him get me! (He struggles to sit up but he collapses back to his bed.) DOCTOR: Piper? POLLY: Some legend of his clan. As far, as I can make out - this piper appears to a McCrimmon just before he dies. DOCTOR: Has this phantom piper appeared to Jamie yet? POLLY: You don't believe it, do you? DOCTOR: No, but he does. It's important to him. POLLY: He keeps asking us to keep the piper away from him. DOCTOR: Good. We can see if we can do just that. (He walks away thinking.) BEN: Well, carry on Nurse. POLLY: (Hotly.) Well, at least I try to help. There's a ward full of sick men and no doctor. Somebody got to do something. (One of the men on the beds starts to groan. All three go over to him.) POLLY: I wonder who this is? DOCTOR: (Cautiously.) Don't get too near. Have a look on his chart. POLLY: That's a good idea. (She takes a look.) BEN: It's Dr. Evans. DOCTOR: Oh, yes. The station doctor. He was the first one to get it. POLLY: He looks one of the worst. DOCTOR: (Thinking hard.) There's something about this epidemic that I... I just don't understand. It's not like a real disease at all! It's almost like... BEN: Not real! What more do you want? DOCTOR: I don't know. But there are certain signs and symptoms which don't add up. (He makes a decision.) DOCTOR: Ben, I want you to go to the control room and keep an eye on things. BEN: How? DOCTOR: Give a hand, do anything but keep your eyes and ears open. BEN: Right. (He leaves the room.) DOCTOR: There's something very wrong indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. CONTROL ROOM (The Control room is in darkness, aside from the glow from the world map. Everybody is very busy. BENOIT comes into the room and notices that HOBSON is still there and is looking very tired.) BENOIT: Still up, Nobby. Why not take a rest. Go and get some sleep. HOBSON: How can I rest with that thing up the spout. (Pointing to the Gravitron.) You know the score as well as I do. Five units off centre and we lift half London into space! Five more and the Atlantic water level goes up three feet! Rinberg don't understand the pressure we're under. (He spots BEN who has just come into the room.) HOBSON: Hey you! What do you thinking you are doing?! Skulking here? BEN: Just wondering if I can help, sir. HOBSON: Well, how can you help? BENOIT: We can do with an extra pair of hands - he can help me. HOBSON: Well, keep him away from me, that's all. All right, I'll go and lie down. Call me if anything happens. BENOIT: Yes, of course. (HOBSON turns to leave but he remembers something and turns back.) HOBSON: Oh, by the way, there were two more of those momentary drops in air pressure while I was on. I have put them in the log. BENOIT: Right. (HOBSON leaves. BENOIT turns to BEN.) BENOIT: Well, there are some coffee cups to clear away if you want to be helpful. And... oh and Ralph, no. 14, needs a hand down in the food store. Can you find your way there? BEN: I'll find it. BENOIT: Good boy. (He turns and walks to a control bank while BEN turns to leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. FOOD STORE (The big stores room is a huge system of racks, each shelf lined with plastic sacks. Ralph, a well built dark skinned man, is disposing of a broken sack. He is amazed to see that it has some holes in it. He slings it into a large bin marked "WASTE CONTAINER UNIT".) RALPH: Anyone would think we got rats up here. (He hears some noise (a tin being knocked over) and there is a tall shadow.) RALPH: Who's that?! (Total silence but Ralph gets the feeling that he isn't alone.) RALPH: WHO IS THAT?! (BEN enters from the doorway.) BEN: Only me, mate. RALPH: Oh, for heaven's sake. Don't go sneaking about like that! BEN: Blimey! You lot aren't half edgy. RALPH: You would be too, mate, if you have been up here long enough. (He notices BEN's look at the broken sacks.) RALPH: Say, are you responsible for the broken bags here. BEN: Come off it, I only just arrived, haven't I? RALPH: Okay. See and you can find that lamp. Round the back, most likely. BEN: Okay. (He walks off into the gathering darkness of the big room.) RALPH: (Talking to himself.) Let's see. Still need some more... Milk and Sugar. (Suddenly he gets that feeling that he wasn't alone again. He turns towards a rack but from behind it comes a silver, three-fingered gloved hand. The new arrival is just off-shot and seen only by the end of its hideous silver claw. The hand touches his head and RALPH cries out in pain. The figure catches him and carries him off.) BEN: (Calling out.) Ralph! (Silence.) BEN: Where are you? (More silence.) BEN: Scarpered. Funny bloke. (BEN leaves, puzzled.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. SICKBAY (POLLY is asleep in a chair but starts as the Doctor enters.) POLLY: What is that? (The DOCTOR appears by her.) DOCTOR: Shhhh, it's all right Polly. It's only me. We don't want to wake everybody up do we? (POLLY rubs her forehead as she checks the patient - a sure sign of being tired.) DOCTOR: You look if you can do with some sleep yourself. POLLY: I'm all right. (She notices that the DOCTOR is carrying something.) POLLY: What have you got there? DOCTOR: Oh, I been doing a little investigation. (He shows POLLY what he is carrying: a strip of silver metallic material.) POLLY: A piece of silver paper. What is it? DOCTOR: I don't know. (The lights in the room become lower.) POLLY: What's happened?! DOCTOR: Oh, it's nothing. It probably just a changeover in the time cycle. POLLY: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Oh, you see - it's rather interesting really - you see on the moon, they have a fortnight of days and a fortnight of nights. POLLY: Well? DOCTOR: Well, it's oblivious isn't it? They have to make their own day and night artificially up there - or it would upset their own biological time clock. POLLY: Their what? DOCTOR: They won't know if they were coming or going. Get it? POLLY: (Not completely.) Yes. DOCTOR: Clever girl. QED. That's why it's dark up here. POLLY: (Seeing.) Oh, I see. Yes, of course. How stupid of me. DOCTOR: Of course along the control centre it's probably broad daylight. (POLLY has a slight grin on her face and the DOCTOR spots this.) DOCTOR: Polly, you wouldn't be making fun of me would you? POLLY: (Laughing.) No. (Dr. Evans screams out loud and both of them rush back to his bed. He is tossing restlessly, his face covered in swear.) POLLY: Dr. Evans. (EVANS, who is very weak, speaks in almost a whisper.) EVANS: The hand. No, don't touch me. No. The silver hand. (He cries out again and then goes limp.) POLLY: Doctor, is he... DOCTOR: (Feeling EVAN's forehead and wrist.) Yes, I'm afraid he is. (The DOCTOR draws EVAN's blanket over his face to hide it from sight. He then draws POLLY aside who is slightly crying over the unexplained death.) POLLY: What are we gone to do? DOCTOR: What does he means by the silver hand. I better report this to Mr. Hobson. (With a reassuring hand on POLLY's shoulder. The DOCTOR leaves the bay.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. CONTROL ROOM (HOBSON is back on shift and BEN is telling him about RALPH's disappearance.) HOBSON: Can't find him! Ralph!? BEN: Well, I was helping him load some stores and he just disappeared. HOBSON: What! In this place. Well, there are only nineteen of us. (The DOCTOR arriving hears this.) DOCTOR: Have you tried his quarters? BEN: Yes. HOBSON: Why didn't you report this to me? BEN: Well, I just telling you now, aren't I? (HOBSON notices the DOCTOR.) HOBSON: What is it now? DOCTOR: Terribly sorry. It's Dr. Evans. HOBSON: Well? DOCTOR: I'm afraid he's dead. HOBSON: (Staring.) Dead? No. BENOIT: This must be reported at once. HOBSON: Yes, yes... No! No, we haven't got enough data yet. You know what they're like down there. I'll come to the sick bay with you. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. SICKBAY (POLLY is trying to give JAMIE a class of water.) POLLY: Here. (JAMIE takes too much of a gulp.) POLLY: Gently, Jamie. (JAMIE takes a couple of more sips. He suddenly point to behind POLLY at a large shadow before passing out.) POLLY: Jamie! (She puts the glass down and turns about slowly. It was almost too late but she sees a shadow and screams. The shadow seemed to be carrying something. The shadows leaves and the door closes behind it just as the DOCTOR and HOBSON enter with some others. POLLY runs into the DOCTOR's arms.) HOBSON: What's the matter? POLLY: (Pointing.) Something just went out of that door! HOBSON: Nils! John! (Both men immediately go towards the other doorway.) DOCTOR: What was it? (NILS and JOHN returns.) NILS: Nothing. Nothing there. (HOBSON looks at POLLY with a look that states "You been working too hard.") HOBSON: Your nerves are getting the better of you. Where's Evan's body? POLLY: (Pointing at the cot.) Over there. (They all walk over to the cot in question.) HOBSON: All right, let's get it over with. (The blanket is pulled back but the body is not there. In it's place is a pile of pillows shaped into the form of a man.) HOBSON: (Angry.) Is this somebody's idea of a particularly bad joke? DOCTOR: (Anxious.) This is no joke, believe me! (BENOIT comes rushing in.) BENOIT: Mr. Hobson, Mr. Hobson, you are wanted! Another man's collapsed at the controls and the Gravitron has been thrown off alignment again. HOBSON: Come on! (He turns back to the Doctor's party.) HOBSON: And you better find that Doctor's body or out you all go - quarantine or no quarantine. POLLY: (Near to tears.) I don't understand what could have happened. I must have dozed off or something but one thing I am sure of - something went out of that door just as you came in. DOCTOR: That body can't just have vanished. Polly, I am going to leave you alone... (POLLY looks worried.) DOCTOR: ...just for a minute. POLLY: All right. (JAMIE stirs as the DOCTOR leaves.) JAMIE: Water. Water. POLLY: (Walking to JAMIE's cot.) I'll go and get you some. (She picks up a cup and makes for the exit.) JAMIE: Water! (POLLY leaves the sickbay leaving JAMIE turning restlessly in his cot. Suddenly, we hear another door open and somebody comes into the room. JAMIE rises from his cot to take a good look at what has been stalking the men of the moonbase... It's silver. Strange black tubes run from some kind of chest unit in the centre of the body. It's face has two holes that might have been eyes and a square slit for what could have been it's mouth. Two pieces of metal connect it's ears to some kind of device in it's forehead. They have changed in the past 84 years since mankind has last seen them, but they are certainly back, for the thing that is facing JAMIE is astonishing enough and in no doubt - A CYBERMAN!) JAMIE: It's you! The phantom piper! (The CYBERMAN moves forward as it looks like it is going to scoop JAMIE up and it extends its arms ready to stun him...)

The TARDIS arrives on the Moon in the year 2070. When Jamie is injured, the other travellers are forced to seek the help of a moonbase afflicted with a space plague.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_22x03

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_22x03_0

VENGEANCE ON VAROS BY: PHILIP MARTIN Part One Running time: 44:42 [SCENE_BREAK] ARAK: Not him again. ETTA: Yeah. ARAK: ComDiv must be running short of people to laserise. ETTA: Yeah. ARAK: Rubbish. He's not hurt, he's only acting. ETTA: Never. ARAK: Is this all? ETTA: It's what they sent. ARAK: How can I work, dig on this? It's not enough to fill a clinker-mole's belly, let alone a working man's. ETTA: There's shortages, maybe more to come. ETTA: Governor's punch-in vote tonight. ARAK: Voting, voting. This Governor calls a punch-in every time he wants to change his trousers. The sooner he gets ruled out, the better. ETTA: What would the next one do different? ARAK: Everything. Anything. What is this I'm eating, Etta? ETTA: How should I know? I just get it out the dispenser. It didn't have a label on it. ARAK: Get off. I want to chuck it at the screen when your beloved Sir Governor begs my vote. ETTA: Attacking ComTec property can bring loss of viewing rights. Way you're thinking, you'll be in that one's place. I'd like to see how far you get in the Dome of Punishment. You'd not even survive the first distort section. ARAK: Marriage to you prepares me to survive anything. Why have they stopped? Oh, it's pathetic. When did they last show something worth watching, eh? When did we last see a decent execution. ETTA: Last week. ARAK: What? ETTA: The blind man. ARAK: That was a repeat. ETTA: It wasn't. You're thinking of that infiltrator. He wasn't blind. Not at the beginning, anyway. ARAK: Yes, he was. I'm going to sleep, anyway. ETTA: Can't. You've got to vote. ARAK: Do it for me. ETTA: Do you want PolCorps calling here? Do you, Arak? ARAK: How would they know it wasn't me voting? ETTA: I'd tell 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That's it. PERI: I don't believe it. DOCTOR: I haven't told you what I've done, yet. PERI: You sound confident. I don't want to know. DOCTOR: What is the matter with you? PERI: Every time you sound confident nowadays, something terrible seems to happen. DOCTOR: Does it? What do you mean? PERI: Well, since we left Telos, you've caused three electrical fires, a total power failure, and a near collision with a storm of asteroids. Not only that, you've twice managed to get yourself lost in the TARDIS corridors, wiped the memory of the flight computer and jettisoned three quarters of the storage hold. You even managed to burn dinner last night. DOCTOR: I have never said I was perfect. PERI: If you recall, last night I was supposed to have a cold supper. DOCTOR: That was an unfortunate accident. PERI: Before each and every unfortunate accident, you've said in a loud, confident voice, that's it. And to be honest, Doc, I am getting tired of clearing up the mess and being thrown around the TARDIS like the teddy bear of some psychotic baby. DOCTOR: Have you finished, Perpugilliam? PERI: For the moment. DOCTOR: It's a good thing I like you. PERI: Right now, the feeling isn't mutual. DOCTOR: What more do you want? I've cleared up as you requested. I've stabilised the chameleon circuit. PERI: So now what will we materialise as? DOCTOR: A police box. I think. PERI: Well, better than a pyramid or Nelson's column. DOCTOR: We have never materialised as Nelson's column! PERI: We did as a pyramid. On the frozen plains of Ewa Nine, remember? DOCTOR: It's a good thing I'm a tolerant man, because sometimes you push me too far. PERI: You're the most inconsistent and intolerant man I've ever met. DOCTOR: Intolerant? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Intolerant? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Intolerant? Me? PERI: Then why are you shouting? DOCTOR: Because DOCTOR: There's something wrong. PERI: What? DOCTOR: Shush. There's something amiss in the power transmission system. PERI: Still? After all the work you've done? DOCTOR: It's the one area I didn't check. PERI: Oh, great. Aren't there emergency power circuits or something? DOCTOR: It seems that function is about to become defunct too. PERI: Terrific. DOCTOR: The problem is, Peri, we are faced with a conundrum wrapped up in a dilemma. PERI: What exactly does that mean? DOCTOR: We could very well be stuck in a limbo of space and time. PERI: For how long? DOCTOR: Eternity. [SCENE_BREAK] SIL: You're a reasonable man. Lower the price of your commodity a little, please. GOVERNOR: My people deserve fair prices for the Zeiton-7 ore. SIL: Who else will buy from you if my corporation withdraws its contract? GOVERNOR: We shall have to find other outlets, I should think. SIL: You are not a rich planet. Zeiton is all you have to sell. GOVERNOR: There are other exports. We're expanding into entertainments and communications with some success. SIL: How? GOVERNOR: The Punishment Dome. We sell tapes of what happens there. SIL: Ah, that is enterprising. Your idea, Governor? GOVERNOR: Yes. SIL: Are they very disturbing, these videos you sell? GOVERNOR: They show what befalls those who refuse to obey the orders by which the people of Varos must live. SIL: Torture? Blindness? Executions? GOVERNOR: All the functions of the Punishment Dome are recorded as warnings to miscreants everywhere. SIL: But they entertain as well as instruct? GOVERNOR: You must ask my Chief Officer. He is responsible for ComTec Division product. SIL: I will hope to help organise your sales exports, if you consent to lower your Zeiton price. GOVERNOR: I can't. I'm sorry. SIL: Then my patience is exhausted and spent totally. CHIEF: The people are anxious for a decision on the new price of our product. GOVERNOR: Negotiations between ourselves and Galtron Mining are far from complete. The broadcast must be delayed. CHIEF: Impossible. The rules must be obeyed by Governors as well as prisoners. GOVERNOR: What is the difference? CHIEF: What point have you reached, gentlemen? SIL: Stalemate, on contract, royalties, everything. CHIEF: But surely, a little movement regarding cost? SIL: Already I have gone beyond my authority to meet the stubbornness of this Governor. GOVERNOR: We must have an increase of price. We must. SIL: I will wait. Perhaps the next Governor will be more sensible of reality. GOVERNOR: I am the Governor. You deal with me. SIL: But tonight you must place yourself at the mercy of the votes of your people. Should they not agree with your stubborn stance, you may be obliterated. CHIEF: He is right, sir. GOVERNOR: I am not afraid to die. My family have served and perished at the will of the people. Now, if it is my turn, so be it. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That's interesting, not to say arresting. PERI: Where are we? DOCTOR: Neither here nor there. PERI: Doctor. DOCTOR: Somewhere. Let's see. DOCTOR: Stalled, in the equivalent of a galactic lay-by. See? PERI: No. DOCTOR: Midway between Cetes and Sculptor. Materialised into actual and temporal void. PERI: Yes, but why won't it move? DOCTOR: This is the one problem the TARDIS cannot overcome. Like all things in the universe, she cannot move without power and energy. PERI: Yes, Doctor, but we can. Don't give up, please. DOCTOR: It's all right for you, Peri. PERI: Me? Why is it okay for me? DOCTOR: You've only got one life. You'll age here in the TARDIS and then die. Me, I shall go on regenerating until all my lives are spent. [SCENE_BREAK] SIL: Like this Governor we do not. Replace you must arrange most soon. That is what our secret payments to you are for. CHIEF: My dear Sil, a little patience is all that is required. Trust me. SIL: Do you think he suspects the truth of matters? CHIEF: No, he simply wants a better deal. SIL: Maybe I should dispense with your payoffs. Perhaps I should offer that and you to him. CHIEF: You simply really mustn't threaten me. You need me for what you hope to gain here. SIL: If I do not succeed one way, I favour another. Enough talk. I would wish to witness the suffering moments of this fool Governorship. [SCENE_BREAK] CHIEF: I'm sorry. Sil refuses to increase his offer. GOVERNOR: In a few moments, I have to appear before ViewPol. Propose further austerities, food dole, work feed cuts. They won't accept it. The vote against me will be overwhelming. We know what that will do. CHIEF: The Constitution requires that Governors who fail to please the majority must suffer. It is the price of failure. GOVERNOR: Even until death. I wish I had something to offer the people of Varos. Something to give them hope. CHIEF: Bend the truth a little. Imply you intend to squeeze a few million extra credits at the Galatron negotiations, and if you don't, well, fools have short memories. BAX: You must make ready for the broadcast, sir. GOVERNOR: Yes, yes, yes. GOVERNOR: Good evening. [SCENE_BREAK] GOVERNOR (on screen): For centuries, the Galatron Mining Corporation has declared rich dividends by exploiting our labour. Now is the time to steel ourselves for sacrifice, to gain what is ours by right. [SCENE_BREAK] GOVERNOR (on screen): As always, I seek ways to market the resources of our poor planet ARAK: Blah, blah, blah. Get to the point. ETTA: Shut your mouth. GOVERNOR (on screen): Seven credits per unit of zeiton ore mined is what I asked. ARAK: Well, you won't get it. ETTA: One more yak out of you, Arak, and you're down on my ViewStat report as a subvert. GOVERNOR (on screen): Surely that is not too much to ask. ARAK: I'm entitled to an opinion. ETTA: Entitled to a vote is all. ARAK: I know how I'll use that, then. GOVERNOR (on screen): Viewers of Varos, I ask that we agree to hold out for what is a fair price for our principal marketable resource, that of zeiton ore. Those who wish to fight alongside me for a prosperous tomorrow, vote Yes to a ten percent reduction of our food rations. Those who wish for full bellies today and nothing to eat tomorrow have the option to punch their No button. ARAK: Right. ARAK: He's lost! Go on, pour it on and on. ETTA: No, no. ARAK: Yes, he's going. Yes, he's snuffed it! ETTA: Has he? ARAK: Oh. Well, next time. Next time for sure. ETTA: He's strong. That's three losing votes in a row! ARAK: Yeah. Next vote will see him blasted out for sure. No one's ever taken four bashings from that cell disintegrator thing. ETTA: I wish you'd leave him alone. ARAK: Why? He's the worst Governor we've had since. Well, since ETTA: Since the last one? [SCENE_BREAK] SIL: Is the Governor no more? BAX: He survived. Just. SIL: We must arrange good riddance of this bad Governor soon. CHIEF: He is weakened by the human cell disintegration bombardment. Engage him in negotiations now and you may gain advantage. GOVERNOR: Permission to leave Governor's domain. CHIEF: Congratulations, sir. You survived the vote. SIL: Soon, your death will be apparent. You will see. Should we try again to reach agreement before I must communicate with my executive council? GOVERNOR: Later. SIL: Now or never! GOVERNOR: Give me a moment or two. SIL: Very well. Transport me to the office of the Governor. SIL: I find the G-forces of this Varos size world quite excessive. GOVERNOR: I'm so tired. CHIEF: I warned the people would not accept yet more rationing cuts for whatever the reason. GOVERNOR: This system of referendum, how much longer can I survive? CHIEF: One more vote? BAX: Governor, may I suggest you do something to please, to entertain, to please the people. Just to give yourself time to recover your strength. Why not give them the life of the rebel Jondar? After all, it's his death or yours. GOVERNOR: It would have to be something different. BAX: I thought perhaps by laser obliteration, sir, by a concentrated build-up of power. Neutralise the Q switch. That way, the random laser emitter builds up to a giant pulse of light, an explosion of focused laser energy that would wipe the prisoner out of existence. GOVERNOR: We have never shown that style of despatch. CHIEF: Too quick. It would be over too soon. We'd never be able to sell so swift an execution. BAX: It's the uncertainly. No one knows quite when the power will blow. We could get at least ten minutes of tension out of his apprehension and fear. CHIEF: It's novel, I suppose. BAX: I'm sure the video of his execution would sell. You said we must export or die. GOVERNOR: Yes. Yes, I did. Very well, arrange it. And Bax BAX: Sir? GOVERNOR: Thank you for the suggestion. BAX: End random pulses. Conserve CB. Neutralise Q switch. Activate viewer warning of imminent public execution. QUILLAM: Bax. BAX: Sir? QUILLAM: The idea for the random laser obliteration, did that come from you? BAX: Yes, Mister Quillam. QUILLAM: Well done. New variation of execution is always welcome. BAX: Thank you, sir. QUILLAM: I'll bear you in mind when my rehabilitation section's reorganised. BAX: Thank you, sir. I'd welcome a chance to work with you in prison research. QUILLAM: Ah, Chief. What of the seditionist's woman? Does the Governor require shots of her witnessing her husband's obliteration? CHIEF: He didn't ask for them. QUILLAM: No sense of theatre. CHIEF: Shall I order it? QUILLAM: Oh, no, no, no. I have other delights in store for that lady. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: Here, a little something to stop you sighing like a steam engine. DOCTOR: What is it? PERI: TARDIS manual. I found it in the workshop propping open a vent. DOCTOR: Oh, yeah. Started reading that once. PERI: Hey! Won't that tell you what's wrong with the TARDIS? DOCTOR: Huh, I know perfectly well what category of disaster has befallen us. PERI: The comparator? DOCTOR: No. No, not this time. Might as well confirm my diagnosis. Something to pass eternity with, I suppose. PERI: Doctor, the column moved! DOCTOR: Oh, yeah? Probably some vestigial power passing through to the transitional elements. Which would mean DOCTOR: Where are we? PERI: What is it? DOCTOR: Yes. Hold that. Don't lose the place. And don't give up hope. Not yet. PERI: Yes, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] GOVERNOR: Another attempt will be made to obtain better terms for the mining of our resources. One other pronouncement. As Governor, I hold final say as to the appeal against sentence of death. The rebel Jondar, although enduring his pre-execution ordeal well, must nevertheless suffer the fate of all who transgress the rules of our society. [SCENE_BREAK] GOVERNOR (on screen): At eight o'clock, then, attend to your screens to witness what must befall all who oppose the reality of our just constitution. [SCENE_BREAK] RONDEL: The order for your husband's execution has just been received. ARETA: When is it? RONDEL: Soon. ARETA: Jondar was your friend. RONDEL: Before he rebelled against orders. ARETA: Curious to see how the life of a guard has changed you. RONDEL: I can do nothing. ARETA: Rondel! Do you know what he found, what he saw? RONDEL: No. Please! ARETA: While the rest of us toil without hope, the officer elite enjoy power and luxury. RONDEL: Lies! ARETA: Varos is what is always was. A prison planet, a colony for the criminally insane. The descendants of the original officers still rule, by fear, with the spectacle of death our only entertainment. That is what Jondar found, what he learnt. That is why they want to kill him. RONDEL: I must leave. ARETA: Can't we make an attempt to save him? Rondel, please. RONDEL: It's too late. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: TR reading from the IV table. PERI: Is that in the hypertime ratio section. DOCTOR: Where else? PERI: Er, orthoganal reading is Zee S plus 101 EQ. DOCTOR: Zee? Oh, zed. PERI: Yes. DOCTOR: Well, that's as it should be. The power conversion factor is stable, so why aren't we receiving full transmission of that power? There's a possibility. May I? PERI: What is it? DOCTOR: Let me see. Yes, we might. We'll try. Hold that. PERI: Doctor, it's working! DOCTOR: With the last vestiges of our emergency power booster. Enough for a limited flight, no further. The thing that depresses me most of all is that the transitional elements have lost the capacity to generate orbital energy and should be, must be, replaced. PERI: How long would that take? DOCTOR: No time at all. If we can obtain enough zeiton-7 to reline the transpower system, the TARDIS will be like, well, as she was. No, it's not the fitting that's the problem. Zeiton is a very rare element. It's only to be found on one planet. PERI: Well, let's go there, then. DOCTOR: Hmm? Oh. I suppose if we use the emergency power booster to bypass the failing circuits, we could just reach the planet of Varos in the constellation of Cetes. Question is, when? If we miss their mining era, we'll be stranded for evermore. PERI: Well, anything's better than being stuck here. [SCENE_BREAK] QUILLAM: What's inside that skull? Anger? Fear? ARETA: Hatred of you, Quillam. QUILLAM: Ah, but hatred of yourself as well. We all have some parts of our mind that we consider unworthy, some memory that makes us shudder and squirm. Do you know what my process of transmutation does? It focuses on the seeds of fear in your mind and makes them grow until you, your body, your face, your entire being, transforms into the image in your mind. You should turn into something quite interesting. A reptile, or something simian perhaps. ARETA: Or something truly loathsome, such as you. QUILLAM: Take her to the rehabilitation unit. RONDEL: Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] CHIEF: For sedition, thought rebellion, and incitement of other rebels to organise, to unionise and to terrorise the workforce of Varos, the vote of the people was for your death to take place by laser obliteration. JONDAR: The Governor was to consider my appeal! CHIEF: Our Governor bows to the will of his people. As Systems Arbiter and Chief Officer, I confirm that the conditions of the Constitution have been complied with. I therefore permit your execution to proceed. JONDAR: When will this be, Chief Officer? CHIEF: At eight o'clock. You have ample time to compose yourself for eternity. All of five short minutes. CHIEF: It isn't exactly certain when obliteration takes place. Stand clear of the execution site. You have your anti-hallucination helmet? MALDAK: Yes, sir. CHIEF: Good. Switched on? MALDAK: Yes, sir. CHIEF: Good. We wouldn't wish for one of my guards to succumb to the phantoms of the Punishment Dome. Not with all of Varos watching. MALDAK: No, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Ah, who's this coming to welcome us? [SCENE_BREAK] MALDAK: Control. Senior Guard Maldak 239. Report of fault on anti-hallucination helmet. Am experiencing sensory distortion. Permission to withdraw? CHIEF (OOV.): Stay until after execution. MALDAK: Understood. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: Artificial atmosphere, enclosed, underground, breathable. DOCTOR: With distorted readings from a nearby power source. PERI: What kind of place is this, Doctor? Why did that man fire at us and then turn away as if we didn't exist? DOCTOR: Let's go and ask him. [SCENE_BREAK] BAX: Sir, Chief, there's something wrong. CHIEF: Be quiet! BAX: But we CHIEF: Attend to your function! SIL: Silence! Execution is imminent. GOVERNOR: What is it? SIL: This is the most wonderful entertainment. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hello. PERI: Hi! DOCTOR: Not interrupting anything? MALDAK: I know how this place works. I know you are but a product of my mind, and I choose to resist you to know that you cannot exist. DOCTOR: Quite right. MALDAK: Control, Control, my anti-hallucination switch is suffering malfunction. Permission to withdraw. DOCTOR: That's what we've come to fix. Isn't that right, Peri? PERI: Yes, sure. DOCTOR: Let me have it. Come on. Give it to me now. PERI: Doctor, careful! DOCTOR: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] SIL: Is this planned? GOVERNOR: Certainly not. What's happened? CHIEF: I'll alert the IR squad immediately, sir. BAX: Sir, there's another group CHIEF: Yes, thank you, we have seen. GOVERNOR: Are they rebels? BAX: I don't know. GOVERNOR: We must, we must act. SIL: They must be apprehended, sentenced, executed. All of them! GOVERNOR: Attend to it. CHIEF: Sir. Bax! BAX: Sir. SIL: My company is only interested in stable situations. GOVERNOR: Varos has been stable for more than two hundred years. SIL: See you remain so, or a most unfavourable report I will give! GOVERNOR: I, I'm SIL: Help him. SIL: Now, my dear friend, what is good price for your zeiton-7 ore? GOVERNOR: Seven credits per unit. Seven. I'm so, so tired. SIL: Seven credits a unit, when the engineers of every known solar system cry out for his product to drive their space-time craft? A planet of fools who don't realise their luck and don't deserve to. Return to our craft. Alert the Council to have a colonising force sent to this sector. SLAVE: Right. SIL: When I control this planet, I will possess the means of power throughout this entire galaxy! And, perhaps, for all others beyond. [SCENE_BREAK] JONDAR: Help me! Whoever you are, quickly! DOCTOR: Peri, pull his away from the wall. PERI: Like this? DOCTOR: That's it. Right, hold. Close your eyes and wish for luck. Here we go. DOCTOR: Right, now the other one. JONDAR: Who are you? DOCTOR: Let's get back to the TARDIS, I'll explain there. PERI: Doctor! DOCTOR: Then again, retreat another way might be a more viable idea. PERI: They're too close. DOCTOR: Help me turn this round. DOCTOR: Right. DOCTOR: Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] CHIEF: Kill laser connection! [SCENE_BREAK] ARAK: Run! Run! Go on, run! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It's a dead end. JONDAR: I can't go on much further. PERI: Nor me. DOCTOR: What is this place? JONDAR: An ordinary prison once, but now. There's a patrol car coming. I'm sorry, I thought there was an escape cell down here. DOCTOR: Let's create a little difficulty for our uniformed friends, shall we? JONDAR: Why should you want to help me? DOCTOR: You're the only person we've encountered so far who hasn't tried to destroy us. Help me. Pull! Pull! DOCTOR: Ah! Right, let's see what I can do with this. Stand back. [SCENE_BREAK] CHIEF: Where's that emergency lighting? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: If you insist. PERI: This way. [SCENE_BREAK] ARETA: I thought we'd lost you. They set up your execution so quickly we couldn't even stage an attempt at a rescue. JONDAR: I thought he was sent by you. ARETA: No. DOCTOR: I will explain. I'd sooner leave whatever this place is and get back to the safety of the TARDIS, er, ship. JONDAR: Spaceship? PERI: Something like that. ARETA: Rondal's agreed to help us escape through the guard's entrance. RONDAL: We must leave straightaway. DOCTOR: First, I want to know what this place is. JONDAR: This place is where the innocent are tortured as the population gloats over our efforts to survive. RONDAL: Not all enjoy. Some of us seek to help. ARETA: For every Rondal there are thousands of Varosians slumped over their wall screens, deadened by overwork and starvation. DOCTOR: Starvation? But Varos has precious mineral deposits. Zeiton-7. JONDAR: That stuff. Who wants it? DOCTOR: I wouldn't say no to a little. RONDAL: We must go. [SCENE_BREAK] ARAK: Great! Great, they're getting away! ETTA: Yeah, but wait till they meet the guards at the end of the tunnel. ARAK: Nah, they'll be all right. This batch of rebos are good. ETTA: I like that one, the one in the funny clothes. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Back. DOCTOR: All these cameras, do they feed pictures from here into every home? JONDAR: The whole dome is wired. Areas of ingenious danger lurk in every corner. You can die in so many varied and spectacular ways. ARETA: The cruel thing is that there is supposed to be safe route leading towards an exit. Freedom. DOCTOR: If we can get back to the TARDIS, we can get away from here much more easily. JONDAR: How? PERI: You find a way back to the TARDIS and then the Doctor'll be delighted to demonstrate. ARETA: Do you know where we are? JONDAR: Near the purple zone, next to the interrogation and execution area. ARETA: Is there another way to get back to his spaceship? DOCTOR: TARDIS. JONDAR: Not without traversing the purple zone. ARETA: Then we're trapped. Good as dead. DOCTOR: Not yet. Let's see what this purple passage has to offer. JONDAR: Is he sane, this Doctor? PERI: Sometimes. DOCTOR: Peri, this is no time for casual conversation. PERI (OOV.): Coming. DOCTOR: We must pass through quickly. Quickly! The guards might return any time. JONDAR: Come on. We must try. [SCENE_BREAK] ARAK: Oh, I like this section. I wonder if they know what's waiting. ETTA: This'll sort them out. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Of course, that's it. Close your eyes. PERI: I can't. DOCTOR: Close them. Now! Right, now all take hands. That's it. Now, follow me. It's just an illusion. DOCTOR: Come on, but whatever happens, keep your eyes closed. [SCENE_BREAK] SIL: He's not a fool, your intruder. BAX: Perhaps just lucky. CHIEF: Or he has received information on how the dome works. There was a guard helping them. BAX: The prison contains too many devices. No one could know or survive them all. SIL: They do not seem or act like Varosians. They could be from a rival company! The Amorb-Prospect Division. I would want the strangers removed for questioning. CHIEF: Get me a line to patrol headquarters. BAX: Yes, Chief. SIL: Then check on that object found near the execution chamber. Have it brought here at once! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: All clear. PERI: Oh, what was that thing we saw? A creature from my worst imaginings. DOCTOR: It might in fact. Ah ha! There we are. ARETA: A gee-jee fly? But it was huge! DOCTOR: We thought it was. That little fly was enlarged by the effect of the purple zone on our visual cortex. Once the purple light was eliminated, we were restored to a proper sense of proportion. Interesting. PERI: Is everything we experience here like that? JONDAR: No, some dangers are very real. The crowd loves to watch trialists face a danger they believe to be imaginary. The viewers applaud and shout with laughter as we poor fools walk towards certain death. DOCTOR: Who loves to watch? JONDAR: Almost all of Varos. It's the way the officers divert discontent, questions, thoughts of revolution. DOCTOR: Oh. Let's see what else this fun palace has to offer. PERI: Oh, what a stench. Phew! JONDAR: Animal. DOCTOR: Real or imaginary? Just as loathsome. The niff at least is not an illusion. Or is it? JONDAR: Just like ComTec design to put a real monster immediately beyond an imaginary one. DOCTOR: Or is that exactly how they would expect us to reason. One way to find out. PERI: No, Doctor! DOCTOR: It's all right, they're lights. Green lights, two of them. [SCENE_BREAK] BAX: The ViewPop like them. We've received very good punch-in appreciation figures. CHIEF: Good. All the more impact when they are captured, tried and executed. A rebo leader, and his woman, and intruders from another world. That's not only prime time viewing here, but the recording of their final agonies will sell on every civilised world. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: The TARDIS should be DOCTOR: Just here. DOCTOR: It was just here. ARETA: Your ship has gone? DOCTOR: It most certainly has. JONDAR: Where? PERI: Yes, Doctor, where? DOCTOR: Well, it can't be far away. Hmm. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SIL: This mysterious most is. CHIEF: There's an explanation. The strangers will be captured soon, then we'll force some answers. SIL: Who are other people helping rebels? If he should be of another mining corporation, our contracts are ended. GOVERNOR: No, he is unknown to us. SIL: I would wish them dead. Only that would please my company. GOVERNOR: Close them out, Chief. Use every guard available. I'll talk to the people. Arrange it quickly. BAX: What about this? GOVERNOR: Keep trying to open it. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: All these corridors look the same to me. DOCTOR: Check down there. JONDAR: Shush. There's a patrol car coming. Quick! PERI: Doctor, look out! GUARD: There's one! [SCENE_BREAK] ARAK: They've had it now. [SCENE_BREAK] MALDAK: Make a fool of me, would you? Take her to the Prison Control Centre. The others, to the termination cell. [SCENE_BREAK] ETTA: Oh, dear. And I really liked him. GOVERNOR (on screen): Good evening. ARAK: Oh, no. What's he want? ETTA: Shut up and listen. [SCENE_BREAK] GOVERNOR: I must report that the attempt to divert the course of justice has been repelled. The rebel and his compatriots have either been captured or destroyed. The extent of the rebellion is greater than feared, and help from another source, perhaps from another world, is suspected. The vehicle of their transport is now in the possession of my officer guard. The leader of the invaders is at this moment walking into a no-options kill centre. There he will suffer the fate of all who seek to overturn the law of Varos. GOVERNOR: I ask you to vote now upon my campaign to halt insurrection. I await your verdict. Yes, and the rebellion will be crushed. No, and no doubt another Governor will have other plans. GOVERNOR: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: Drink, Doctor? Drink, Doctor. Drink water. Drink water. DOCTOR: Peri! [SCENE_BREAK] CHIEF: What a wonderful thing a man's mind is. The hallucinatory inductor makes him believe he cannot survive, and soon he will be unable to draw one breath after the next. [SCENE_BREAK] ARAK: Have we got anything to drink? [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: Doctor! GOVERNOR: Keep quiet! We're recording. The moment approaches. Close up on death throes, please. BAX: No sign of life, sir. SIL: Dead as death! BAX: How long should I hold? GOVERNOR: And cut it, now.

After having power supply problems with the TARDIS, the Doctor and Peri land on the planet Varos where their leaders are punished by the citizens on National television when they are displeased with the leaders actions. The Doctor quickly becomes a fugitive.

fd_The_100_01x11

fd_The_100_01x11_0

Clarke (V.O.): I was born in space. I've never felt the sun on my face or breathed real air or floated in the water. None of us have. For three generations, the Ark has kept what's left of the human race alive, but now our home is dying, and we are the last hope of mankind. A hundred prisoners sent on a desperate mission to the ground. Each of us is here because we broke the law. On the ground, there is no law. All we have to do is survive. But we will be tested, by the Earth, by the secrets it hides, and most of all, by each other. [PREVIOUSLY_ON] ( Gunshot ) ( Explosion ) Anya: You started a war that you don't know how to end. Lincoln: You have no idea what your people have done, the forces you unleashed. Octavia: We had to stop the attack. Lincoln: You stopped nothing. Murphy: We have to get out of here while we still have the chance. Finn: I love you. Raven: Not the way that I want to be loved, not the way that you love Clarke. It's over, Finn. Sinclair: The dropship is still tied in to all of our major systems. If it launches, the Ark will be crippled, and everyone left on board will die. Diana: Launch! Bellamy: Your mom is early. Clarke: Something is wrong. End of intro. Bellamy: First watch is over. Go relieve Monroe on the south wall. Keep your eyes open. Anything? Clarke: It's been two days. Maybe the bomb at the bridge scared them off for good. Bellamy: You believe that? Clarke: No. They're coming. Bellamy: Jasper thinks he can cook up some more gunpowder, if he gets some sulfur, and Raven says she can turn that into landminess. So be careful where you step. Clarke: Ha! Funny. Bellamy: What I really need is a thousand more of her tin can bombs I can roll into their village and blow those Grounders to hell. That's what they want to do to us. Clarke: Can't believe we survived a hundred years just so we could slaughter each other. There has to be another way. Any word from the Ark? Bellamy: Radio silence. Finally ran out of air. Clarke: Maybe my mom was lucky being on the Exodus ship. At least it was quick. No one is coming down to save us. [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: Ah. Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] Del: Let's get this party smoking. Octavia: You don't want the fire too big. So maybe just try to knock it down with some wet leaves. Del: You get that from your boyfriend, Grounder pounder? Murphy: She's right. A hot fire is not gonna preserve the meat as well. Del: You can't take the heat, get out of the smokehouse. Should be kissing our asses for being allowed back in this camp. Murphy: Just keep working. Your brother couldn't get you a better job? Would think anything would be better than working in the meat furnace. Octavia: Oh, probably. That just means someone else would have to do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Finn: What's for dinner? Raven: Split loads, turning one bullet into two. It's all I can do until we get more gunpowder. Jasper has a recipe. Yesterday I saw him taking buckets from the latrine. I didn't ask. Finn: Is one of those for me? Raven: Maybe. Still deciding. Finn: I keep wanting to apologize again. Raven: You don't have to. We're good. I got to get this done. Finn: That's bad. Raven: What? Finn: When you're really pissed off, you always find a project, something to keep your hands busy so you don't punch someone in the face. Raven: I'm not keeping busy, Finn. I'm keeping us alive. Finn: Yeah. You're right. That was a dumb thing to say. See you later. Raven: Wait. We're good. We're good. We are. I just want you to be happy. Male delinquent: Whoa! Guys! Fire! Other male delinquent: Go, go, go! All right. Raven: Come on. Bellamy: Are you okay? Octavia: ( Coughs and nods in reply ) Murphy: This is all your fault! We told you it was too much wood. Del: Get the hell away from me. Bellamy: Hey! Hey! Hey, stop! Save it for the Grounders. Octavia: Well, now what the hell are we gonna do? That was all the food. Clarke: Any idea what happened? Bellamy: Murphy says that Del kept feeding the fire, mostly because Octavia told him it was a bad idea. Clarke: And we believe Murphy? Bellamy: I do. Clarke: Yeah. We have some wild onions and nuts in the dropship. It's only enough to last us maybe one or two weeks. What's left here? Bellamy: Nothing. It all burned. Clarke: Then we have to hunt. Anyone we can spare goes out. The whole Grounder army out there? Look. We can't defend ourselves if we're starving. [SCENE_BREAK] Bellamy: Each group takes someone with a gun, and they're for killing Grounders, not food. We don't have the ammo. Use the spears for hunting. Get what you can. Be back by nightfall. No one stays out after dark. Myles: Hey Clarke. You alone? You maybe want to go together? Clarke: Sure. I'll get some gear. Finn: You ready to go? Clarke: I don't think so. Finn: Come on. I'm a good tracker. You're lousy with a spear, but you're sneaky. We make a good team. Myles: Hey, partner, we're wasting daylight. Oh, Finn, you're joining the band? Finn: Sure. Myles: Awesome. Haven't really got a chance to hang with you guys much. Hey, do you even know how I got arrested on the Ark? Finn: I'm dying to hear about it. [SCENE_BREAK] Bellamy: We need more ammo. Raven: That's it till Jasper gets back. Now get out of my tent. Bellamy: Where you going? Raven: The hell out of here. Bellamy: No way. You're not leaving. Raven: Really? And what makes you think you can tell me what to do? Aren't you a janitor? Bellamy: Where you gonna go? Raven: Into these damn woods. Don't worry about it. I'll find someplace safe. Bellamy: Just wait. Don't be an idiot. You go alone, and you're dead or worse. Raven: So what's your plan, sit here until you run out of bullets? Bellamy: Yeah. Or until you come up with something better. Come on, Raven. You came down here in a pod you rebuilt yourself. You made a bomb out of a tin can. What else you got in that head of yours? Raven: Radios. We can't defend ourselves if we can't communicate. If we can build radios, walkie-talkies- Then we can fight as a team. We'd have a chance, at least. Bellamy: See? We need you. You may be a huge pain in the ass, but you're smart. [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: Anybody there? Hello? Wick: Fifty-six bottles of beer on the wall - fifty-six bottles of beer - Hello? Take one down and pass it around - Fifty-five bottles of beer on the wall - fifty-five bottles of beer on the wall - Hello? - Fifty-five bottles of beer - take one down and pass it around - Kane: Hey, hey, can you hear me? Wick: What do you want? Councilor, sir? Kane: It's Wick, isn't it, from engineering, Sinclair's apprentice? Wick: Yeah, yeah. He had me come down here to override the containment codes to keep the doors open. Don't tell him I messed up. Kane: Hey. You didn't mess up. We need to get your arm free. Wick: Yeah. Let's do that. That sounds like a good idea. Kane: Rrgh! Ah! ( Panting ) Did you see anyone else around here? Wick: No. Heard there was a hull breach in engineering. It was a breach? What the hell happened, anyway? Kane: We were betrayed. Councilor Sydney, she took the Exodus ship by force. Damage to the Ark was catastrophic. Wick: What a bitch. My mom voted for her. Kane: I'm not gonna be able to open these doors without some help. I'll be right back. Wick: You can't leave me, man. Kane: I won't leave you here. Wick: All right. ( Clank as door opens ) Rrgh! Aagh! Dude! Aagh! Ah, my God, thank you. That was- Gr! Aah! - Easy. I can hear the pumps. Kane: I think the vents are working up ahead. Let's go. If you survived, there could be others. Wick: It's like a ghost ship. [SCENE_BREAK] Myles: One of those scaly panther things? Finn: Boar. Myles: Good, because that panther meat is nasty, but I could eat a whole boar by myself, no joke. You know what the best part is of the boar? It's gonna sound gross. Clarke: Myles, quiet for a second. What is it? Finn: These tracks. They're perfect. Clarke: Too perfect. Finn: We're the ones being hunted. Clarke: I don't see anything. ( Arrows fly and hit MYLES in the leg and chest ) Myles: Aah! Ah. Clarke: Myles. Finn: Clarke, come on. We got to leave him. ( A Grounder comes from behind a nearby tree and hits Clarke in the face with a club. Clarke falls to the ground ) Clarke: Ah! Finn: Clarke! No. [SCENE_BREAK] Kane: Here. Hey, how's the air in here? Wick: Crappy. Kane: I'm gonna check the next few compartments. Wick: Whoa, hey, are you sure you want to do that? This ship took a lot of damage. You walk through the wrong door, you could be stepping out into space. Kane: We need to keep moving. The air in here can turn bad at any time. Wick: At least we're breathing. Kane: The CO2 scrubbers down here have kicked back on. They can restart themselves? Wick: No. The electrical fires blew out a DCDU. Everything is on manual. Kane: Is it getting cooler in here? Wick: I don't feel it. Kane: Could someone restart the central cooling exchanges in this level? Wick: No. That runs through the primary board. Kane: Earth monitoring. We need to get these people moving now. Wick: Move them where? Kane: The cooling air is a message. See, I think there's someone alive in Earth monitoring. Wick: The air is a message. Kane: Yeah. Wick: Okay. You have hypoxia, all right? So you're working with about ten percent of your brain. Kane: We need to get them moving, now. I am not gonna let these people die here. Wick: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Finn: We walked for about three miles after crossing that creek, another two or so before we got to the road. Clarke: I don't think it matters, Finn. They didn't blindfold us, which means they don't care what we saw. They're probably gonna kill us. Uh! What do you want from us? Anya: Help her. If she dies, he dies. [SCENE_BREAK] Wick: Rest in peace, Earth monitoring. Kane: Let's check passageway four. Wick: No. We got a jammed pressure door between us and pass. four, and we can't get through here. It's game over, man. Kane: I need to talk to whoever is in there. Wick: 'Please" would be nice. Watch this. Aha. Kane: Earth monitoring, do you read? Jaha: We read you. Who is this? Where are you? Kane: Sir, it's good to hear your voice. Jaha: Of course it's you, Kane. You're too stubborn to die. Kane: I could say the same for you. Jaha: What is your situation? Kane: We have about a dozen survivors. Jaha: That's good work, Councilor. Sinclair is rerouting power and air to the mess hall. Lead your people there. Kane: After we get you. Jaha: No. A fire burned through most of our oxygen. We put it out, but we don't have very long. Kane: No. A fire burned through. All access is blocked. Jaha: We are reviving as many Ark citizens as we can befoer our oxygen runs out. Kane: I won't leave you to die. Jaha: As your Chancellor, I am ordering you to gather as many survivors as you can and lead them to the mess hall. Jaha out. Kane: Lead them to the mess hall, and when you get there, organize a search station by station. Look for survivors. Wick: Let's go to the mess hall. Come on. Hey, the Chancellor is right. We all got to get out of here. This whole deck is an electrical fire waiting to happen. Kane: That's why you have to lead these people out of here please. Wick: So, what, you're got to save everybody else but yourself? This is nuts. Kane: No one else can die because of me. Go. Go. Get yourselves to safety. ( Kane tries to get wreckage away but it's too heavy for him. Wick joins him but still too heavy. Some survivors help move the wreckage away. ) On three. [SCENE_BREAK] Anya: Her name is Tris. Clarke: I can't do this. I don't have any equipment. Anya: We'll provide you with what we can. Clarke: Why do you think I can save her? Finn: Lincoln told her. Anya: Yes. Our healer is gone. There's nothing we can do for her. For his sake, I hope you can. Finn: Clarke, you can do this. Clarke: Wait. What happened to her? Anya: She was on the bridge when your bomb exploded. You did this to her. [SCENE_BREAK] Monty: I found some good antenna wire for the radios. This guy was using it to fix his bed. Raven: You find anything else from the Exodus ship wreckage? Monty: Yeah, data log. Want to hear something weird? ( Radio static ) Raven: Sounds like interference. Monty: Wait. It gets weirder. When the signal hit, their nav. system went nuts. They never got it back, and then boom. It's like something was jamming the signal. Raven: That is weird. It also makes no sense whatsoever. Monty: No. Raven: Pull the drive-in speakers. Monty: You want to strip it? We'll never find out where they crashed. Raven: We need every component we can get our hands on if we're gonna make walkies and I need the radio. Monty: No way. How are we supposed to contact the Ark? Raven: The Ark is not there. You're listening to a hole in the sky. Monty: My family is up there. Raven: I'm sorry. The hunters are back? Is Finn with them? Bellamy: I don't think so. Hey, relax. I'm sure Clarke is keeping him out of trouble. What are you doing in here? Raven: They don't waste time. I'll get them that. What's it been, a day and a half? Bellamy: Mistaken me for someone who cares. Time to move on. What are you doing? Raven: Moving on. I've never been with anyone but Finn. Take off your clothes. Bellamy: Fine. I'll go first. If you're looking for someone to talk you down, tell you that you're just upset and not thinking straight, I'm not that guy. Raven: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] (Tris gasping and coughing) Finn: She's getting worse. Help me lift her up. Oh, my God, here we go. She's not moving any air on the left. There's fluid pressing on her lungs. I don't see an entry wound. No. It wasn't shrapnel. It was trauma. The force of the explosion, it hit her in the chest. She's drowning in her own blood. She can't breathe. I have to relieve the pressure. I need a small tube, something rigid the size of my finger. Here. Thanks. Fifth intercostal space. Ah... Ah... This better work. You're ok. Attagirl. Breathe. What have you done? No. You don't understand. She couldn't breathe. Uh! Back off! Huh! Uh! Everybody gets oxygen now. Sir... Sir, are you all right? I gave you an order. You're bound by law to follow. The people in this room are our best chance to save the Ark. Besides, a wise man once told me... I needed to learn when not to follow the law. Heh heh. A wise man. Thank you. So what do we do now? She's breathing a little better, but even if we can save her, what happens then? Then maybe we don't die today. She's hot. Her heart rate is way up. She's probably septic. What does that mean? It means her blood is poisoned. What about this stuff? Caliban: That slows bleeding. Coagulant. No. Lincoln had that same stuff at the dropship. I don't see any antibiotics. Maybe that lake seaweed? She doesn't need seaweed. She needs real medicine. How could you send a little girl into battle? What is wrong with you people? She was with me. She was my second. It's how we train them to be warriors. Oh, so the killing can just go on and on. Clarke... You put the bomb on the bridge. You did this to her. (Tris gasping) She needs clean blood. Transfusion? Ok. There's no tubing. So we need a syringe, the biggest one you can find, and I need a cannula. It's like a hollow needle. Did that help? No. Jaha: Any word yet on casualties? No. Sinclair still has teams out assessing the damage, but... whole stations may have been lost. I estimate no more than 1,000 survivors... at least 1,500 dead. Wick: Hey, guys, I found something. I'm sorry, sir. Mr. Wick has trouble with protocol. What did you find? Data from the Exodus launch. The monitor says that service hatch beta was manually sealed before the launch from our side. There was someone in the service bay. But there are survivors? People jumped ship at the last moment? Maybe Sydney threw them off. Maybe they were a threat. Could they still be alive in the service bay? Well, sir, if they hunkered down and got lucky, yeah, they could still be ticking, but they won't be for long. Well, how do we get to them? How can we get to them? We could try the maintenance shaft. It's sealed on both sides, so you'd have pressurization. Sinclair: And it's pressed right up against the fuel pods. Without power to the coolant system, it'll be hot as hell in there. Kane: I have to try. It's as sharp as it's gonna get. All right. Thanks. (Tris moaning) Bleach. Guess there's no moonshine. Ok. I'm gonna need your blood. No. You're from the same tribe. It's the best match we're gonna get. Clarke, if you're gonna do something, you have to do it now. Just use mine. (Winces) I can't find a vein. She's clamping down. She's lost too much blood. Clarke... Oh, come on. She's not breathing. Take him away and kill him. No. No. No. No! No. No. I did everything I could. No! Finn: Clarke, stop. They'll hurt you. No. Get off. No. Wick: Hey... You'll need this battery to open up the door to the bay. Good? Yeah? Uh! Uh! Ah... It's not that hot. Sinclair doesn't know what he's talking about. It's a little warm. So you're not gonna talk me out of going? Nope. When you die, can I have your shoes? They're much too stylish for you. Ah! Uh... (Panting) Monty: You finished the walkies. Hey... I'm sorry about before, really, and about your family. Thanks. So all the hunters are back except Clarke and Finn. Ok. Raven, they were with another kid... Myles. They all left camp together. All 3 of them are still out there? Yeah. We're going to look for them. Bring the walkies. Uh... Aagh! Oh! Oh... oh... (Beep) Come on. Hey... hey, wake up. Hey... Abby? Abby, wake up. It's so hot. Anya will take no pleasure in your friend's death. Prove your worth, and you'll be welcome here. I couldn't save Tris. Why would you want me? We told you. Our healer is gone. Will I be able to go back to see them... my friends, my home? Tomorrow there'll be nothing to go back to. Those marks on her shoulder, what were they? Lincoln has them, too. Each scar marks a kill in combat. 5 kills? She was a little girl. She was brave. How many do you have? That's a lot. And half were after I hurt my knee. Aagh! Shh... Shh shh shh shh... Raven: Where are they? We'll find them. Monty, on radio: I thought you said you were heading west. Where are you? Bellamy, on radio: Just keep the moon on your left, and you'll find us. Raven: This morning, all I could think about was how much easier this would all be if Finn was just... Gone. You didn't wish this into being, Raven. Stop torturing yourself. (Quivering signal) Monty: Is anyone else hearing this signal? Just keep your eyes open. I think it's the same thing we heard in the black box. Damn it, Monty, pay attention. Do you see anything? Report. (Quivering signal) Oh, my God. (Screech) (Static) Uh... There's someone in the bushes. Myles? Uh... Myles, what happened? Where are they? Clarke and Finn, where are they? Grounders took them. Take it easy. We have to get him back to camp. Bell, what about Clarke and Finn? Raven, I'm sorry. We need to make a stretcher. Monty, we're heading home. You copy? Monty, can you hear me? Monty... Monty, where the hell are you? Bellamy, on radio: Report. Monty... Aah! Aah!

Monty discovers a strange signal on the Exodus dropship's black box that apparently caused it to crash. After a fire destroys most of the food supply, the group sends out hunting parties to restock. Clarke, Finn, and Myles go out together, but Clarke and Finn are captured and brought to the grounder camp. Anya instructs Clarke to save Tris, her second, a young girl who was injured in the bomb blast. Clarke tries to save her but is unsuccessful. In revenge, Finn is taken away to be executed. Clarke escapes by killing her guard and runs. Bellamy, Raven, Octavia, and Monty search for the missing party and find Myles, hurt in the woods. Monty mysteriously disappears after hearing a strange signal on their hand radios. Kane awakens on a devastated Ark. He searches for survivors and realizes Jaha is alive in the Earth Monitoring Station and trying to bring systems online. With over half The Ark's populace likely dead, they discover that there are survivors in an access bay to the exodus ship. Kane braves the extreme heat in a maintenance tunnel to reach the survivors-including Abby.

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Westing Resort, Napa Valley A cooking competition takes place at a fancy resort. Host: Welcome to the 23rd annual Westing Resort best chef challenge. I'm Bertram Duesterberg, your host. Our competing chefs today are- - First, from restaurant 182 in Sonoma... [In the kitchen - Salt! Host: the youngest winner ever of the Schilling palm d'cuisine, chef Hannah Diaz. From San Francisco, where they host the acclaimed public radio show "Two top, " chefs Arliss and Julia St. Germain. [In the kitchen - Hurry up, people. Woman: Jeff, do you want the mousse? Jeff? Yeah, yeah.] Host: Trained in Paris, he is executive chef at la petite maison, Chef Adrien Ludo! [In the kitchen - Where's my chives? Let's go, people! Host: And first up before our judges today... [In the kitchen - Okay, let's move! Come on, go, go! Hurry up, people. Host: Jeffrey Barge. Jeffrey: Thank you. My... My first... dish today... is... Is, uh... He collapses on the floor. Host: Is there a doctor in house, please? Hannah: Somebody call 9-1-1! Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Somebody! Jeffrey, say something! Julia: Can you hear me? Jeffrey? Host: Doctor, he's not moving. Enter the CBI. Lisbon: Anything from the deputy coroner? Rigsby: Just that he can't tell us anything yet. Lisbon: Tell him we need to know. If this guy died of natural causes, we're going home. Jane: Why so grumpy? Lisbon: I'm not. Rigsby: Why are we here? We don't even know if it's a murder. Lisbon: One of the chefs called her daddy who's a state senator, who called the AG, who called the assistant AG, who called me. So we're here. I hate politics. Cho: This might go quick. Victim had a fistfight with the event organizer. Jane: Happy days. Bertram: I want to be very clear. What happened was sheerest accident. I did nothing wrong. Lisbon: Let's just stick to the facts, Mr. Duesterberg. You said you had a fight with the victim. About what? Bertram: Truffles. Lisbon: Truffles? Jane: Yes. They- they're very pricey fungus. Lisbon: I know what a truffle is. Bertram: Uh, Jeffrey ordered a bundle and he paid for them himself. A few hours before the competition, he couldn't find them. He demanded replacements, which would have cost thousands. I said no. He started yelling and then shoving. Naturally, I defended myself. Jane: Very gently, of course. Lisbon: And then he... fell on his head? Something like that? Bertram: It's as I said it wa- it was an accident. Lisbon: Oh, we'll see. Jane: Jeffrey sounds like a scrapper. Quick with his fists? Bertram: No, not really. He was- he was a genius. Genius can be noisy. But he- he's never laid hands on me before. Jane: Genius, really? Hmm. Rigsby arrives with a dish. Rigsby: Hey, is he good for it? Cho: Not sure yet. What's that? Rigsby: I don't know. Some hors d'oeuvre thing they're handing out. Want one? Cho: No, thanks. I don't eat anything I can't identify. Jane: Excuse me. Is this the victim's dish? Bertram: Yes. Jane: Mmm. Mnh-mnh. Excuse me. Pardon. No genius there. Way too much salt. Hmm. Dr. Steiner. Long time. New threads. Sharp. Dr. Steiner: Yes. The move from Sacramento has been quite pleasant. Fine wine, lovely weather, no Patrick Jane... Or so I hoped. Jane: Cheeky. Have you checked his mouth? Dr. Steiner: For a possible head injury? I don't think so. Jane: Don't be alarmed, I am going to touch you. Dr. Steiner: Mr. Jane, please, I am in the- Jane: Yuck. Lisbon! Lisbon: Excuse me. Dr. Steiner: What- what made you think to look there? Jane: Well, bad-tasting food means bad taste buds. Lisbon: So much for the head wound. Duesterberg's off the hook. He didn't die from a fall. Let's huddle together, divvy up the interviews. Cho: What did kill him? Jane: Poison. Later, Westing Resort Lisbon: Deputy coroner says that the poison is probably ricin. Victim either ate it or drank it. Rigsby: Well, it makes sense. If it was airborne, people would be dropping like flies. Cho: And ricin's easy enough to make. Grind up some castor beans. Makes for a broad suspect pool. Lisbon: They tested the victim's food. There's no sign of it there or in the kitchen. Rigsby: And ricin takes hours to work. Must've been something he ingested a while ago. Lisbon: No need to get your stomach pumped then, huh? Rigsby: Ha, funny. Lisbon: You search the room. Test any liquid or food that you find. Rigsby: Yeah, you got it. Cho: Thanks. The victim's wife just arrived. Lisbon: I'll handle it. You talk to the other chefs. Duesterberg says that the winner of the contest gets 100 grand. [Cho leaves ans Jane arrives.] Lisbon: What are you doing? Jane: Oh, um... Trying to get the taste of salty food out of my mouth. Pot de creme. It's basically a pretentious chocolate pudding. Very nice. You want some? Lisbon: No. We have to go and talk to the victim's wife. Jane: Mmm. Well, maybe she'll want some. Comfort food. Cho talks to the other chefs in the kitchen. Arliss: Jeffrey was a dear friend. We'd known each other for years. Julia: Which is why I had my father bring you on. Cho: We want to find out who did this. Interesting that you called us in before anyone knew it was poison. You know something everyone else didn't? Julia: No, I just knew that something was wrong. Cho: Now you're all in competition for a large cash prize. Helps that one of you is dead, doesn't it? Julia: Helps? Arliss: We eat together. We work together. We're comrades. Cho: Something to add, Miss Diaz? Hannah: Dude, if we're all such comrades, why'd you try and steal Jeff's sous-chef? Arliss: Not true. Inquiries were made, that's all. Hannah: Yeah, right. Cho: How'd you feel about the victim? Hannah: I hated his guts. Egotistical, manipulative, maybe half as good as he thought he was. Julia: Which would still make him twice the chef that you are. Why don't you go get another tatoo? Hannah: Bite me, Julia. Cho: The delivery guy says he left Jeffrey's truffles on his station this morning, then they vanished. So who stole the truffles? Adrien: Well, stealing truffles makes one of us a murderer? Cho: It's a start. Adrien: Oh. What? Julia: That is exactly the kind of thing that he would do. Arliss: He and Jeffrey never really got along. Adrien: You fat b*st*rd. Cho: And truffles are very expensive, aren't they? And you wouldn't throw them out. Where does he keep his food? Julia: Down on the left side of the pantry. Adrien: You know who would stop at nothing to win? Those two. Ask them about the book deal they've been chasing. A competition prize would help that, no? Ah, truffles. Okay, fine. Arrest me. But I didn't steal the truffles, okay? I rescued them from a terrible, terrible fate. Cho: I see. Lisbon and Jane talk to Barge's wife, Abigail. Lisbon: Did Jeffrey have any problems that you knew about, personally or at work? Abigail: Well, um... We were a problem. We're separated. I haven't spoken to Jeffrey in months. Lisbon: What was the breakup about? Abigail: Oh, god, what wasn't? Um... drinking, mostly. Jane: Occupational disease for chefs. It's the pressure. It wants a release. Abigail: That, and, um- They're interrupted. Kevin: Don't listen to her, whatever she says. She hates Jeff. Lisbon: And you are? Jane: Victim's brother. Cheekbones. Come on. You can see that. Abigail: Uh, Kevin, why don't we talk later? Kevin: Yeah, I-I don't think so, Abigail. My brother was a freakin' genius, all right? You think anybody in my family taught him how to cook? Please. He wanted to be a great chef, and that's what he was. Did it all by himself. And you? You were perfectly happy to spend his money, weren't you, Abigail? Jane: Your brother was a great man. He elevated himself, didn't he? But you didn't. That must've been cause for some friction, I would think. Did he leave you anything- your brother? Or did he leave it all to the hated sister-in-law? The money, the restaurant- Kevin: Why don't you step back? Abigail: Kevin, that's enough, all right? Kevin: No, you don't tell me what to do, okay? Abigail: As you can see, drinking- it runs in the family. Kevin: Oh, s-see, that's how wrong you are, actually. Jeff was sober. He was in the program for two weeks. Abigail: Right. I've heard that before. It's probably why he called. Lisbon: You said you hadn't talked to him. Abigail: I- I didn't talk. Jane: Whoa. Two weeks sober. That's impressive. And what else are you hiding from us? Abigail: Look, he called last night at 12:30. I hung up. Lisbon: What'd he say? Abigail: He said... He said he was sorry. In the victim's room. Jane: Hey. Rigsby: Test for ricin. "Yellow" means positive, "Nothing" means... Nothing. Jane: This place is quite a mess. Rigsby: What do you think the intruder wanted? Jane: Nobody was looking for anything. Jeffrey did this himself. Rigsby: And you know this, how? Jane: The punched-in mirror is an act of self-hatred. Plus, all these drawers are closed. A thoughtful ransacker would close maybe one, but all of them? No. Rigsby: Anyway... Room's eared. No poison. We're moving on. That's nice. Except you're not. What's up? Jane: Well, Jeffrey was recently sober, but acting erratically. Demolishing his room, picking fistfights, calling his estranged wife in the middle of the night- You know what that's called? Rigsby: Relapse? Jane: Yes. And an addict on a relapse will hide his stash. Ah. What better way to poison a drunk than through his drink? Rigsby: Let's check it out. Jane: Let's. Rigsby: There we go. Jane: Hold the applause. Rigsby: Bingo. Westing resort Jane shows the chefs the poisoned gin. Jane: Poison gin. A smart way to eliminate a rival. But not the act of a gentleman, is it... monsieur Ludo? Adrien: Are you joking? Jane: Rigsby, take him in. Adrien: This is not right. I have done nothing. I have done nothing. Jane: Hang on. Come on, let's- she's the one we need to talk to. Hannah: Me? Wh- Jane: You should've seen your reaction when I accused Ludo- Pure relief. Oh, come on, please. At least attempt denying it. Hannah: I didn't do it. Jane: She's the one. Thank you. Merci. CBI HQ Cho interrogates Hannah. Hannah: Why would I want to kill Jeffrey? Cho: Winning a contest like this would do a lot for a young woman trying to prove herself. Hannah: I don't have anything to prove. Cho: You're a good cook. Making ricin out of castor beans wouldn't be hard, would it? Hannah: No. But I didn't. Cho: Take a look at this Hannah. That's your credit card statement. You bought gin. Hannah: I'm over 21. It's not a crime. Cho: You just happened to buy yourself the same type of gin we found in the victim's room? Hannah: Look, can I go or what? I- Cho: Hannah, we have enough to charge you with murder right now. You need to talk to us, tell us your side of the story. Hannah: I'm 28. I run my own kitchen. I don't have any... food channel connections, no cookbook with my name on it. The westing is my way up. Jeffrey was the one to beat. We all knew it. So I figured... Get him a drink. Why not? Level the playing field. So, yeah, I bought him the gin. But I have no idea how the ricin got in there. Cho: Okay. Hannah: I just tried to get him drunk, that's all. No poison. Lisbon: Without anything else, we can't hold her. What do you got? Van Pelt: Jeffrey's phone records. Confirmed the call with his wife. Lisbon: How long did they talk? Van Pelt: About five seconds. Guess she did hang up. But there's a second call at 2:00 a. m. That one lasted over an hour. Lisbon: Who'd he call? Van Pelt: His restaurant. Jeff's restaurant Lisbon: Miss Barge, you have a minute? Abigail: Yeah, sure. What's up? Jane: Money troubles? Abigail: How'd you guess? Jane: Well, it's a restaurant. They always have money troubles. Abigail: Well, this restaurant's drowning in debt. Jeffrey was driving this place off a cliff. Eliza: It was all about the food. Abigail: This is Eliza Greene- Jeffrey's sous-chef. She's keeping things afloat while I get my bearings... Now that I own a failing restaurant. Eliza: Oh, sorry. Um, people would say that the place is failing, and, uh, Jeffrey would say, "Yes, but failing with style." Jane: Eliza, you're the one the others wanted to hire. You must be very good. Eliza: I guess. I wouldn't know. Jane: False modesty? Lisbon: Jeffrey called the restaurant last night at 2:00 a. m. Do you know who he spoke to? Eliza: Me. Oh, uh, he was considering changing the menu for the contest, wanted to talk about it. Lisbon: Couldn't that have waited till the morning? Eliza: That was just Jeff being Jeff. He was always after perfection. Jane: Irritating, getting a phone call like that when you're on your way home from work, isn't it? Eliza: Not at all. If you want to make something great, that's the job. Abigail: You know, you should really get these, uh, deposits posted, or the checks are gonna bounce. Lisbon: Thanks for your time. Jane: Thank you. Abigail: Night. Jane: Bye. Outside Lisbon: Where are my keys? You picked my pocket? Jane: My turn to drive. Lisbon: Jane! Jane: Oh, don't be such an old lady. Get in. Your fears are groundless. Lisbon: You're right. The car has air bags. Jane and Lisbon are in their car when they see Eliza leave the restaurant with the nightly deposits. Then a man with a mask knocks her down and grabs the bag and takes off running. He runs down the sidewalk next to their car. Jane: Oh, no. Oh, bad move. Oh. Lisbon takes him out with a well-opened car door. Lisbon: The victim's brother? Jane: Kevin. Oh, I can't tell you how happy I am that wasn't my car. CBI HQ Kevin: You're out of your freakin' mind. I would never, ever harm my brother, ever. Lisbon: You assaulted and robbed a girl, Kevin, who ran your brother's restaurant. You don't think that makes you a little suspicious? Kevin: That had nothing to do with what happened to Jeff. Lisbon: I don't believe you. Kevin: I can tell you why I went after the money, all right, but I'm gonna need some guarantees. Lisbon: Oh, so we're negotiating now, are we? Kevin: I have valuable information. I can help you solve Jeff's murder. Lisbon: But you're not gonna tell us anything unless we cut you a deal? We're talking about your brother here, Kevin. That's pretty low. You know what? You're going to jail. You'll have plenty of time to think about how you could've done things differently. Kevin: Wait. Sean Horlick. Jeff owed him money. He needed it for the restaurant. Guy's a loan shark. I actually put them in touch five months ago. I get a call yesterday from Horlick, and he says unless I want to end up like Jeff, I'd better get him the money he owed. Lisbon: So you rob your dead brother's wife? Kevin: She was always trying to turn Jeff against me. Said I was a bad influence or somethin'. Lisbon: Imagine that, huh? Crazy. Kevin: I knew their deposit schedule, and they don't keep a gun. I figured she screwed me before, I screw her back. Lisbon: Sean Horlick. What else do you know about him? Van Pelt: Fraud, racketeering, extortion, couple of violent crimes sprinkled in. Charges never seem to stick. Horlick's smart. Lisbon: Track him down. Take Rigsby. Van Pelt: Okay. Lisbon: Cho, look into Jeffrey's restaurant- The financial records, see who else he owed money to. Jane: I'll come with. I'm a mite peckish. Cho: What does that mean? Jane: It means I'm hungry. Jane, Cho and Rigsby go to Jeff's restaurant. Cho looks over the books. Cho: I can't read this. No? Eliza: Oh, that says, "March '09 accounts payable." Jane tries Eliza's food. Jane: Oh! Hmm? This- this is just ridiculous. This is delicious. Eliza: Thank you. Let's hope you can keep the quality up wth the new boss. Abigail seems more concerned about the money than the menu. Jane: Won't be a problem, I promise. Eliza tries a new dish. Eliza: For god's sake. Did you try this? Jane: You don't like Abigail much, do you? Eliza: Do it over. Jane: You're obviously very talented. You should've struck out on your own a long time ago, unless there was some reason to stay. Eliza: I did try to strike out on my own, actually, couple months ago. Jane: Failed with style? Eliza: I wish. State wouldn't grant me my liquor license. No license, no investors, so... Luckily, Jeffrey took me back again. Jane: So why not hook up with him? He was separated, available. Eliza: I've never liked waiting in lines. Excuse me. I've got prep work to do. Jane: Thanks for lunch. Eliza: Uh-huh. Cho: I didn't see any other loans on the books. It's a good thing. Jeffrey wasn't even taking a salary the last few months. Jane: He wasn't? Hmm. We're gonna have to make a stop on the way back. Van Pelt and Rigsby visit Horlick at his medical marijuana dispensary. Rigsby: Huh. Magic brownies. Van Pelt: This is more... clean-cut than I'd expected. Rigsby: Yeah, medical pot- it's a growth industry. Salesperson: First timers, huh? I'll tell you the same thing I tell all the newbies- Go for today's specials. Sure, they're a couple bucks more, but between you and me and the wall, it's the freshest herb we got. Plus it's locally grown. Who doesn't wanna support local formers? Van Pelt: CBI. Where's your boss? Salesperson: Uh... Mr. Horlick? I couldn't say. But, uh, our permits are all up to date by the book, 100%. Rigsby: Well, Mr. Horlick's a suspect in a murder investigation, Josh, so you if you know where he is, you should tell us right now. Sean: Is, uh, there a problem here? Rigsby: We're here about Jeffrey Barge. Sean: Who? Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jeff. Sure. Sure. What about him? Rigsby: Jeffrey died yesterday. Sean: Yeah. Yeah, I know. I saw that on the news. Wow. Heavy. I mean, boom, he's here. He's gone. And how about that? Life, huh? Van Pelt: We know you lent him money, Mr. Horlick. Sean: Well, how do you know that? I mean, who says? Van Pelt: I'll take that as a "Yes." Sean: Frosty one, aren't we? I like it. Rigsby: You like jail, too? Yeah, that's right. Kevin told us everything. It's about time you did as well. Sean: Fine. I called him about the money. Obviously, he drew some sinister and incorrect implications brom our conversation, but it was all a big misunderstanding. Chalk it up to my- my poor communication skills. Van Pelt: I think you communicate very well. Rigsby: Yes, you do. You have "sleazebag" written across your forehead in big letters. Sean: Why would I kill Jeff? You don't off someone who can pay you back. I mean, the guy practically lived at the Ritz. Rigsby: What are you talking about? Jeff was broke. Sean: Yeah, that's what he wanted me to think, too. But I got a buddy who works security at the hotel. He saw the deadbeat staying there a bunch of times. You don't stay there unless your pockets are padded. I'd like to take you sometime, thaw you out a little bit. Van Pelt: Yeah, that'll happen. [SCENE_BREAK] CBI HQ Van Pelt: We got something. Rigsby: Jeffrey stayed at the Ritz over a dozen times in the past two months, paid in cash every time. Lisbon: Looks like an affair. But Jeffrey and his wife lived separate lives. Why would he care if there was a record of it? Van Pelt: Maybe his partner cared. Lisbon: Because she's married. Rigsby: She had the money. She paid for the room, but she paid in cash so her husband wouldn't find out. Lisbon: Keep digging. Find out who the woman was. Westing resort Back at the competition, Jane wanders around the kitchen bothering the chefs. Jane: Mmm. Next round's tomorrow, huh? Keep workin'. You'll get there. Adrien: Merci beaucoup. Jane: Careful, careful. Oh, that smells good. What is that? Julia: Knock yourself out. It's not for the competition. It's my lunch. Arliss: I'd advise against that. Julia: Don't listen to him. He's a coward. Jane: Is he? Julia: It's the Red Savina pepper. It's kinda spicy. Arliss: Kind of? It's the hottest pepper known to man. Trust me. Leave it alone. Julia: It's good on everything- meat, fruit, soups. Not that any of the people would know. Babies. Jane: Well, I'd love a little try of that. Thank you- Bertram: Mr. Jane, our chefs are extremely busy. Would you mind coming back another time? Jane: You're quite the ghoul, aren't you, Duesterberg? Dragging on this meaningless contest after a man has been killed. Bertram: This contest, Mr. Jane, is an affirmation of life. It's a testament that appetite still exists, even in the face of death. Jane: And you need the money. Bertram: Time for you to go. Jane: Fine. I have all the information I need, thank you very much. Adrien: He lies. He hasn't asked one single question. Jane: Why would I? I can learn everything I need to learn from watching you all cook. You, for example, use lemon to the point of excess- Tart, aggressive flavors, sublimated agression toward an important figure in your life. Obviously, you're a daddy's girl, so I'm gonna go with mother. No, let me correct that... stepmother. Ludo! You were adopted... no? Adrien: No. I wasn't. Jane: Took a shot. Moving on. You were having an affair with Jeffrey. Weren't you? Julia: What? Bertram: You can tell all this by the food? Jane: Well, they cooked together every day, yet their kitchen rhythms are off. They're bashing into each other, getting in each other's way. You're not paying enough attention to her, Arliss. No wonder she strayed. Arliss: That's nonsense. Jane: Really? Then why did your wife have her father put the state's best police force on this case? Look at her, Arliss. She's made no attempt- no attempt at all to deny it. Arliss: Is it true? Rigsby arrives. Rigsby: So I take it you know about Julia's affair with the victim now. Jane: Oh, roger that. CBI HQ Julia: Jeff and I got together about five months ago, after he separated from his wife. Jane: But he ended it. Julia: Yes. Lisbon: When? Julia: The night before he died. I went to his room at the resort. He was drunk. I thought he was trying to get sober, but I guess not that night. Jeff didn't handle stress well. Lisbon: Must have made you angry. Julia: No. I accepted it. I loved him. But he was a drunk. Better left alone. Lisbon: Wise of you. Julia: I asked for a glass of water. Lisbon: I'm sure it'll be here in a minute. Julia: You think I'm entitled and snippy and rich. My father's a senator. I don't have to take crap from people like you. Lisbon: I'm just trying to figure out who killed Jeffrey Barge, that's all. Julia: I didn't kill him. Lisbon: I don't believe you, Julia, not yet. Julia: I really need that glass of water. Jane: I'll get it. Lisbon: We still have a few more questions for you. Jane: Lisbon! 9-1-1. Lisbon: Julia? Julia? Julia. Can you hear me? Are you on medication? Jane: Come on. Answer. Lisbon: Julia? Lisbon nervously straightens her desk while on the phone with someone. Lisbon [phone]: Yes. Uh-huh. I know. Yes. Mr. Attorney general, sir, I... I-I understand completely. I will. Rigsby: She's straightening. She's straightening her desk. Lisbon [phone]: Absolutely. Van Pelt: Coroner's office says it was ricin poisoning, uh, just like Jeffrey. Guess they were both poisoned at the hotel. Oh, crap. Is she straightening? Rigsby: Victim was a senator's daughter. AG must be livid. Van Pelt: Ugh. It's not our fault. Ricin takes hours to kick in. Rigsby: Yeah, tell it to the AG. Van Pelt: What's going on with the search? Cho: Local sheriff's working on it, taking every food and liquid off the resort to be tested. Rigsby: Resort, the contest- it's all been shut down. Lisbon: News flash- the AG wants this case closed now. Well, we've got two dead married lovers. Cho: I'd say the killer's a spouse. Lisbon: Let's start with that. Cho and Rigsby go talk to Julia's widow, Arliss. Cho: There he is. Arliss: [phone] Cinnamon, sage and coriander, a squeeze of lemon, then butter. No, no garlic. Not at all. Ciao. Idiot. Rigsby: Your wife just died, and you're talking about recipes? Arliss: What would you have me do? Cho: Sir, we'd like to discuss your wife's estate. Arliss: Yes. Sorry. Idiots. Garlic. So Julia had money. So what? Rigsby: Well, you stand to inherit all of it, isn't that right? Arliss: Yes. So? Cho: Your wife and her lover are now both dead, killed the same way. That makes you our number one guy. Arliss: Or number two, I'd say. Have you talked to Abigail yet? Rigsby: Why? Arliss: Ask her about the fight she and Jeffrey had at the Fairplex market two weeks ago. It was quite a scene. Rigsby: You didn't think to mention this earlier? Arliss: Interrogation focuses the mind. What can I say? Cho: Except you're lying. Jeffrey hadn't seen his wife in months. Arliss: If Abigail said that, she's the liar. Jeff's restaurant Lisbon and Jane talk to Abigail. Lisbon: The market clerk confirmed the story. You were in contact with Jeff, and you were fighting. Abigail: I did not kill Jeffrey, if that's what you're getting at. I didn't even know about this thing with Julia. Lisbon: What were you fighting about? Jane: You've really changed your look, Abigail. Haven't you? Not that you don't look lovely now. It's just this old look, uh, accentuated your assets. Abigail: My husband just died, okay? Jane: You're still putting in time with the makeup though, I see. So appearance is important to you. Lisbon: What are you getting at? Jane: She's put on 5 or 6 pounds, doesn't fit into the sleek outfits anymore, so she wears this. She's pregnant. Congratulations. First trimester. Jeff's child, right? Right? Abigail: A few months ago, he came by to pick up some stuff. Things happened. And two weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test. Jane: How did he take the news of impending fatherhood? Oh. Okay. Lisbon: That's what you were fighting about. Abigail: I don't know why I didn't tell you. I've been, uh... confused. My parents don't even know. Lisbon: Do us a favor, Abigail. We're gonna need to search your house. Save us all some time and grant us permission. She gives them permission to search her house. Jane: Did you know a full-grown l phant can eat up to 495 pounds of food per day? Lisbon: Could you at least pretend to be helping? Cho: Got somethin'. Found this in the garage. Lisbon: Nice work. Jane: And we care about a bag of beans why? Lisbon: Castor beans. They're used to make ricin. Jane: Ah, of course. Naughty Abigail. CBI HQ Lisbon: We found traces of ricin in Julia's favorite red pepper. Her death was not accidental. Both her and your husband were specifically targeted. Together with the castor beans we found, it's not looking good for you. Lawyer: My client denies any involvement in these killings. She bore no malice towards her husband or Ms. St. Germain. Lisbon: No malice toward her alcoolique and fiscally irresponsible husband and his lover? Lawyer: She was not aware of that relationship, nor did she ever set foot in that resort. Lisbon: Which you can't prove. Abigail: I didn't do this- Cho: Then how do you explain the castor beans in your house? Lawyer: She had no knowledge of them. Cho: That's convenient. Lawyer: This is a grieving widow- a pregnant, grieving widow. You think that a jury is going to convict on this circumstantial traif? Lisbon: We can make this stick, and you know it. Believe me, you will feel much better if you-[Lisbon's phone rings.] Would you excuse me? [on phone] What? You're where? Westing resort Lisbon joins Jane. Lisbon: What emergency? Jane: Follow me. Lisbon: Jane, I don't really have time for this. I was working on getting a confession. Jane: This is far more important. Lisbon: What is? Bertram: Agents, welcome. It's such a relief to know that the killer has been caught. Jane: Just doing our job. Bertram: And thank you for coming to this little memorial dinner. Lisbon: Dinner? Bertram: Honoring Jeffrey and Julia. Lisbon: We're having dinner? Jane: Gotta eat. Bertram: I certainly hope you enjoy yourself. It should be delicious. Excuse me. Those serviettes are horrifying. Lisbon: You have five seconds to tell me what's going on. Jane: First, we need a drink. Lisbon: Is it that bad? Jane: It's lovely. Jane wanders back into the kitchen. Hannah: Not bad, Ludo. Can we get the bowls ready? Jane: Hurry up, people. Adrien: You shouldn't be here. Jane: Yeah, you're probably right. You gonna make me leave? I hope not. Hannah: Excuse me. Jane: Oh, excuse me. I thought you'd be a little more grateful. I did just catch your friend's killer. Hannah: We're grateful. Just a little busy. Jane: Is that it? Oh, that smells good. Jane starts a grease fire as a distraction to load up a dish with fiery hot pepper polder. Jane: Oh, oops! Whoa! Oops! Fire! Fire! Fire! Quick! Aah! Whoa! Aah! You know, I-I'm just gonna leave you guys with that. Around the table, Jane and Lisbon join the chefs to remember Jeff and Julia. Bertram: All right, everyone, please. Lift your glass. To Jeffrey and Julia, friends, colleagues, Titans in the culinary world, you will not be soon forgotten. Salud. Adrien: Cheers. Jane: Cheers. Hannah: To begin, we have a melon soup, prosciutto di Parma, mint and basil. Adrien: A reinterpretation of one of Julia's specialites. Bon app tit. Jane: Thank you. Come on. Don't let your midwestern taste buds hold you back. Bertram: Oh, chef. What is this spice? Hannah: Spice? Bertram: I like a little heat, but this is overpowering. Hannah: We didn't add any heat. Jane: Whew! That would be me. Sorry. Fire! Fire! The Red Savina pepper- ah, I got it from Julia's pantry. I thought it would be appropriate, and I'm just mad for heat, so... Obviously, I was a little heavy-handed. My- my apologies. What's the trouble, Eliza? Eliza: I don't, um... I don't feel well. I should go. Lisbon: What's the problem? Eliza: Uh, the peppers- it didn't go down well. Lisbon: The pepper? What's wrong with the pepper? If you don't wanna talk about it here, we can take it down to headquarters. Jane: How long can we keep her there? Lisbon: 48 hours. Jane: Wow, that's a stretch of time. Eliza: I have to leave. I have to leave right now. Jane: No, that would be rude. I don't think so. Bertram: What is wrong with you? Eliza: We all... have to go to the hospital right now. Hannah: What for? Eliza: The pepper... I think it was poisoned. I- I-I saw Ludo put something into it. Adrien: I did not. How dare you! Jane: Maybe you're just cramping a little? Just a little- Eliza: All right, all right. I poisoned Julia's pepper. Lisbon: And Jeffrey's gin. Eliza: Yes, yes! Just bring me to a hospital. Jane: No, hospitals are terrible germ factories. You don't wanna go there. Eliza: Are you insane?! Lisbon: Relax. We knew about the ricin in the pepper. We just didn't know who put it there. Bertram: I don't understand. Are we poisoned? Jane: No. I switched the peppers. Clever of me. CBI HQ Jane: Okay, so we know that your restaurant didn't fail, Eliza. Jeffrey and Julia- they killed it. We did some digging on Julia's father. Lisbon: He's the one who squashed your liquor license. Jane: Jeffrey was a drunk. He needed you in his kitchen, so he asked his if he could have her big, powerful daddy do her a favor. He didn't call you that night to talk about recipes, did he? He called to apologize for sabotaging your liquor license, for ruining any chance you had at opening your own place. Flash back Jeffrey's room Jeffrey: [phone] But I... I am trying to become a better man. I am. CBI HQ Jane: He told you what he did, and then you... decided to take your revenge. Lisbon: So you got some castor beans, mixed up a batch of ricin and went to the resort to find him. Eliza: Yeah. I went to his room. Flash back Jeffrey's room Eliza: Oh, Jeff. I accept your apology. Jeff: Let me just... wash up. CBI HQ Eliza: He was such a fool. Like I was gonna let that go? Like we were just gonna make up and all be friends again? That's... ridiculous. Lisbon: And then you went to the pantry and, uh, you found Julia's pepper and you dosed that, too. Eliza: One time I was cleaning shrimp for Jeffrey. There were, like, 40 pounds of it, and it was still half frozen, but that was the job. I couldn't feel my hands. It was so cold. I realized I was cutting the flesh off my own fingers. Carving it off. And I didn't mind... Because Jeffrey had a vision. I had a vision. And he said, "Go, babe. You deserve your own place." But he was lying. Him and his... rich bitch girlfriend. Like I was gonna let that go. He said, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry"? What good is that? Abigail confronts Lisbon. Abigail: Agent Lisbon. A word? Lisbon: How can I help you? Abigail: You framed me. You put those castor beans in my house, didn't you? Lisbon: Ma'am, on my word of honor, I did not know that those beans were planted. Mr. Jane was responsible. I should've known. I should've stopped him, and I didn't, and for that, I am really sorry. Abigail: Why? Lisbon: He thought in order to catch the killer, that somebody else had to be suspected of the crime. He's probably right. I know you must be angry. Abigail: Trying to leave the anger behind. Though that's pretty much impossible, isn't it? Lisbon: It's hard. Abigail: Anyway, thank you for being honest with me. Tell Mr. Jane he's a mean, irresponsible sadist. Lisbon: Oh, I will. Ms. Barge? Living with an alcoholic is hard. Some never change. They don't even want to. But your husband checked into treatment two weeks ago right after you told him about the baby. I think he wanted to be there for you and your child. That's why he ended the relationship with Julia. For what it's worth, it seemed like he wanted to change. Abigail: Thank you. Lisbon enters in her office. Lisbon: It's okay. She's gone. Jane: Who's gone? Lisbon: Oh, please. Your guilty conscience is obvious and well deserved. Jane: Meh. Justice can be a harsh mistress. Omelets and eggs, ends to means, all's well that ends well. Lisbon: A glib answer's no excuse. Oh, and Abigail said to tell you that you are a mean, irresponsible sadist. Jane: Well, that's pretty accurate. You okay? No point denying it to me. Lisbon: I'm fine. Jane: Okay. Good night.

Jane and the CBI team are asked to investigate the murder of Jeffrey Barge, a prominent, but arrogant, chef who was poisoned in the middle of a challenge at a best chef cooking competition in Napa Valley.

fd_The_Office_02x19

fd_The_Office_02x19_0

Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Oscar: Who is this guy again? Michael: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore? Michael: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend. Oscar: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme. Michael: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will! Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email? Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright. Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme? Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Happy birthday Michael. Michael: Oh ho ho! What? Pam: I said happy birthday. Michael: Thank you! That's really nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What's up? Jim: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday. Michael: Ah, thank you sir. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Did you hear anything yet? Kevin: No. I'm still waiting. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Dwight knocks on door] Yeah. Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy! Michael: Ohh, god. Dwight: Birthday hug! Michael: No no no, no, new suit, please. Dwight: That suit is amazing. Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually--- no, Bulgaria. Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one. Michael: Good luck. One of a kind. Dwight: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities? Michael: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday. Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the... Michael: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise. Dwight: Let's get the party started. [Begins 'raising the roof'] Michael: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty? Pam: One's good. Angela: One thirty. [Pam yawns] I'm sorry, are we boring you? Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority. Phyllis: Where do we get those? Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam] Pam: Michael wants a strippergram? Dwight: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom. Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [answering phone] Yeah? Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line. Michael: Oh, great, put her through. Jan: Hello, Michael. Michael: Hey, you. Jan: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent. Michael: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. Jan: Well, today's not my birthday, so... Michael: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday. Jan: ...Happy birthday, Michael. Michael: Thanks. [grins] Jan: Am I on camera? Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up] Michael: [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday! Stanley: Mmhmm, happy birthday. Michael: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out? Kevin: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion. Jim: Oh, okay. Kelly: Second opinion on what? Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer. Kelly: Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too. Jim: Kelly, you know what... [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Who brought in donuts? Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday! Toby: Happy birthday! Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday. Toby: I... guess I forgot. Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box]. Toby: Are you serious? Michael: Mmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable. Kevin: Right. Oscar: It's going to be okay. Angela: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though. [SCENE_BREAK] Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott. Michael: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright? Delivery Woman: Uh... s-sure. Michael: [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous. Pam: I can sign for it. Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that? Dwight: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song. Michael: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything. Dwight: I probably care more than she does. Michael: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster]. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: When does he hear? Jim: Sometime today. Pam: Ohh... poor Kevin. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back... order... [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here! Michael: What? Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please. Michael: [grinning] Ohhh, God. Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair. Michael: Ohhh, no. Dwight: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin! Oscar: ...I'll do it. Michael: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this. Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley! Pam: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? Jim: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and... Dwight: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready? Michael: Okay. Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael. Michael: Thank you. Dwight: One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling] Michael: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please. Dwight: Oscar... Oscar: It wasn't me. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Okay, that is not an eight foot sub. Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs. Dwight: F. Alright, what's the damage? Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty. Dwight: [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine... sixty. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Here they come. Michael: Get in here... everybody. Dwight: Come and get it! Michael: Birthday party subs! My gift to you. Oscar: What is this? Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup. Michael: The best. Stanley: These are all the same? Michael: Yes. Angela: Bologna? I don't eat bologna. Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good. Angela: No. Michael: Just the bread, it's fresh baked. Angela: No. Michael: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back. Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles. Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number. Pam: And his favorite lunch. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer]. Ryan: [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing? Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake. Angela: [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you. Dwight: Oh. I got it. Angela: What are--- it's... the party planning committee. Dwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything. Angela: Fine. Dwight: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances? Angela: Yes... [whispering] but don't expect any cookie. Dwight: [whispering] But what if i'm hungry? Angela: [whispering] No cookie. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [puts fabric softener into cart] ...What? Pam: You use fabric softener? Jim: Yeah, you don't? Pam: No, I do. Jim: ...Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Office Staff: [singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings] Happy birthday... [everyone but Dwight stops] ...tooo youuuu. Kevin: Hello? Hey. Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday please. Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy. Michael: Are you done? ...Good. Okay. Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish. Michael: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles] Dwight: Yaoo yay! [claps] Michael: ... I asked for trick candles. Dwight: Pam was supposed to get 'em. Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day. Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer. Michael: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door]. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [checking watch] We should probably head back. Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement. Pam: You dare me? How old are you? Jim: Just... quit stalling. Pam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner. Jim: Such a dork. Pam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you... Store Employee: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy. Pam: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jim: How old are you? Pam: I hate you. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible. Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover. Kevin: Still scary. Michael: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is. Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine. Michael: And laughter... also. Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood. Michael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party. Toby: I work here. Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day. Kevin: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy. Michael: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls. Jim: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael. Dwight: Please, don't. Jim: You... owe me. Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday? Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there. Dwight: I'll get someone to take it down. Michael: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on! [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good! Ryan: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Think you can let go? Pam: No. [laughs] Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by] Dwight: YEAH! Pam: Who is that? Jim: Is that Michael? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I got it. Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it. Jim: ...It's something to think about. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I can't relax about it, you know? Michael: Kevin. You heard anything yet? Kevin: No, not yet. Michael: Okay. Well. Live strong. Kevin: Okay, Michael. Michael: Alright. Carol: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or... Carol: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson. Michael: Oh, these... all your kids? Carol: No just the front two. Michael: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? Carol: Sure. Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me. Kevin: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative. Michael: Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin]. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys. Michael: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey! Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around. Michael: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight. Dwight: Number one!! Michael: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks. Pam: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Pam: This is from all of us. Michael: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.

Michael is excited about his birthday, but the rest of the office is instead focused on accountant Kevin Malone , who is awaiting the results from a skin cancer test. Jim and Pam leave to purchase items to comfort Kevin, and later in the day the entire staff goes to the ice rink . Michael encounters his realtor Carole there, and makes a good impression when he entertains her kids. Kevin's test results come back negative for cancer.

fd_The_O.C._02x01

fd_The_O.C._02x01_0

Opening scene - We are inside the Cohen house, there is plastic sheeting everywhere and a shirtless guy climbs down a ladder, as he climbs down the camera goes down with him. we can now see that the Cohen house is full of shirtless builders and the head builder Archie is talking to Sandy Archie: so we've knocked down the retaining wall to allow for more flow Sandy: great now...when do you think we will have achieved flow Archie: when do you think we'll be done tearin your house apart? Sandy: no my how is torn apart an constructions got nothin'a do with it, ball park Archie ball park Archie: I-its September now id say two weeks (Sandy looks at him) a month tops...six weeks Sandy: (nods) well in the mean time- (Sandy and Archie enter the hallway and just as they do the wall to the right of them busts open, there is debris everywhere) Sandy: (continues walking) in the mean time could ya please try'to convince the fellas here to wear something in a shirt, my neighbours have started to refer to my home as the man hole Archie: too uh Village People Sandy: exactly (Kirsten comes down the stairs) Archie: ill talk to my guys Kirsten: (smiles) hey Archie (smile goes) (barely heard) Sandy (walks into the kitchen) Sandy: oh...an don't ever get married (Archie nods) an if you do don't ever have kids CUT TO: The kitchen - Kirsten is in there making coffee and Sandy walks in Sandy: well...good news Archie thinks the remodel should be done any time between now an...well he didn't say never but there was subtext (walks over) id love some coffee (Kirsten holds out the coffee pot) thankyou, boy am I excited to head into court for day one of this riveting (Kirsten sits at the table) nuisance law suit where one yacht owner feels that this other yacht owner is in violation of the noise ordinance at Crystal Cove (Sandy looks at Kirsten who appears to be ignoring him reading the paper) butter scotch donkey Paso lamp shade truck stop stethescope Kirsten: (head down) you know your doing that thing where you think that i'm ignoring you so you start speaking in gibberish to see if i'm listening Sandy: aww, you were listening Kirsten: nope...i'm distracted by today's paper actually the date of today's paper (looks at Sandy) Sandy: he's gonna come back Kirsten: by the time school starts? or by the time Archie finishes the remodel (stands up) Sandy: what'do you want me to do, tie him up an stuff him in a trunk Kirsten: at this point...yes (fed up) I have had enough of your hippy parenting psycho-babble Sandy: ooh so that's the problem, its not your smothering over protectiveness that kept him from ever having a friend until Ryan came along (Kirsten looks at him) sometimes the best thing for a kid is to have some space Kirsten: (upset) the Pacific Ocean that's not enough space? Sandy: if ya force him to come home he's gonna wanna run away again Kirsten: I don't care what he wants! I-I don't care what he thinks is fair, he could've died out there! Sandy: ok so you can blame me...an he can blame us...an we can keep passin the buck all summer long Kirsten: summer is over, school is starting! Sandy: this is where he belongs, he's gonna figure that out Kirsten: i'm tired of waiting for that bring him home Sandy...bring him home (Kirsten walks out, Sandy walks out shortly after her) Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Caleb's mansion - Marissa and Summer are sun baking by the pool in the backyard in bikinis, Marissa walks over with drinks for them and sits down Summer: ugh could it be any hotter, I feel like my flesh is melting, I just hope it melts evenly (sighs) (Marissa puts her head back & closes her eyes) (Summer looks over at the 'yard guy'. he's watering some plants, shirtless) Summer: daaammmn girl, break me off a piece'a dat (laughs) (Marissa looks over, he looks at her and smiles, she looks at him, then Summer looks at him) Summer: he is totally checking you out (Marissa looks away) (he looks at them again, then looks down) Marissa: so my mom's tryin'a drag me to cardio bar again, it's her idea of mother daughter bonding Summer: cardio bar Coop Marissa: well she says it's the new Tai Bo so maybe I can (pointed) learn to kick her ass Summer: I don't think you need'ta do anymore cardio Marissa: (looks at Summer) what's that suppose'to mean Summer: nothing, it's just that...well an I mean this in the least scandalous way, but you're lookin a little thin Marissa: huh, I eat! Summer: ok (drinks her drink) oh god, you definitely drink, what's in this lighter fluid Marissa: mm (swallows) ahhh this is a Newport Beach ice tea Summer: this is ten o'clock in the morning, it's a little early Marissa: (looks at Summer) for who (Summer looks at Marissa, then puts her head back like Marissa is) Summer: ugh this bikini is so uncomfortable I need'to go get a new one you wanna go to South Coast Marissa: (smiles) totally there's a Paul Frank sale there Wednesday Summer: Wednesday I can't, I have plans with Zach Marissa: ooo more plans with Zach huh Summer: yes (looks at Marissa) the more time I spend with Zach, the less time I have to think about (screws up her face) god (clicks) what's his face, built like a bean pole curly hair (emphasised) runs away like a little bitch on a sail boat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried an cried over him till the 4th of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches - on - boats Marissa: Seth (Summer looks at her) his name, its Seth Summer: I know, i'm jus doing that thing where I pretend I don't an I have'to use alot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain (sighs) so yeah cant do it Wednesday Marissa: more plans with Zach Summer: well it's a formality really...I refuse to get close to him...I will never be close to a boy (raises her eyebrows) again Marissa: yeah I know what you mean (drinks) (we see them from behind, which also shows just how huge the house is) CUT TO: Chino - we see a building site, then we see Theresa's car pulls up Ryan: uh that's good, alright thanks for the ride (gets out) Theresa: oh don't forget your lunch...I uh peeled your orange for you (smiles) Ryan: (smiles) thanks but it's probably not the best way to fit in with these guys Theresa: (nods) right Ryan: alright well ill uh (motions behind him) Theresa: yeah y-you don't want the foreman to get angry Ryan: oh he's always angry, he's an angry man Theresa: (smiles) maybe tonight we could ah rent a movie or play pool or something Ryan: yeah, yeah pool sounds good (Theresa nods) see ya (Theresa waves then drives off, Ryan watches then looks at his neatly peeled orange in its plastic bag,lol he sighs) CUT TO: The mansion - Julie and Caleb are there. Caleb is in the kitchen, Julie comes in while she's talking Julie: honey i've gotta pick up Kaitlin from junior life guards, maybe she can save her sister from drowning in self pity Caleb: (looking out the window) what is that flower truck doing in our driveway, I get the feeling that its ben there every week Julie: because it has Caleb: (frowns) we get flowers delivered every week Julie: yes Cal, there living things they die Caleb: (goes to the phone) do you hear a clicking on the phone, every time I try'to dial out (listens) I swear I hear a clicking Julie: (looks at Caleb) ok Nixon...paranoid much...what's going on with you Cal, you're either hopped up on blow or something is seriously wrong Caleb: its...nothing it's my blood thinning medication sometimes it makes me feel- Julie: wacko, like all summer long (Caleb laughs) oh I'm taking Kaitlin to go look at new pony's Caleb: what's wrong with China? Julie: China...has alopecia (Caleb looks at her) I was hoping that the hair treatments would work but...bald as a baby's ass...oh its jus not right for a little girl to love a hairless pony Caleb: oh I spose that's fair Julie: thanks (kisses him on the cheek & walks away) Caleb: your not...charging that on the company card are ya Julie: (stops & turns around) (worried) why? Caleb: because...we can't claim Kaitlin's new pony as a business expense, it's illegal Julie: oh I know, I was gonna put it on the black card (smiles) bye sweetie CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten has 2 bags full of groceries in her arms and one of the shirtless workers pulls across the plastic sheeting so she can walk through to the kitchen. she puts the bags down then pulls out the juice and takes it to the fridge, when she opens the fridge door we see their family Chrimukkah photo {aww} Kirsten shuts the fridge and looks at the photo then looks down to a post it stuck to the fridge it reads 'Carson (503) 555 0169' CUT TO: A telephone ringing - Luke answers it Luke: hello (Kirsten is on the phone in the kitchen) Kirsten: uh Luke its Kirsten Luke: heeey Mrs. Cohen, how you doin...although I think I can answer that one for myself Kirsten: yeah is uh is he there? (Luke walks into his living room, we see the back of Seth sitting on the couch playing a video game) Luke: (holds out the phone) it's for you (Seth holds his ear to the phone and continues playing, he's holding the phone with his shoulder) Seth: hello Kirsten: Seth...its mom Seth: mom hmm...blonde sharp Anglican features, cute little nose Kirsten: (sighs) (sad) come home Seth: did Ryan come back? Kirsten: Seth Ezekiel Seth: ok using the dreaded middle name is not the best way to forge a bond Kirsten: this has gone on long enough Seth: mm weeell not quite yet I just signed up to teach more sailing lessons through September, Portland needs me mother Kirsten: (sincerely) so do I Seth: (sits forward & holds the phone) here's the thing though (sighs) I hate it there (Kirsten is listening) i'm never coming back to Orange County, now if you an dad wanna move to (shakes his head) I don't know say anywhere else on the planet then we can talk Kirsten: an here I was crazy ta think that a simple appeal from a mother to a son might get some traction Seth: (holding the phone with his shoulder) yeah well that is crazy, bye (nudges the phone off his shoulder) Kirsten: so your jus gonna hang up o- (dial tone) (frowns & hangs up) (Sandy comes in. Kirsten slams the phone down on the base) Sandy: gave in an called him huh Kirsten: he use'to be such a sweet kid Sandy: an he's turning out to be quite the angry young man...I had the same talk with him thi'safternoon Kirsten: (upset) doesn't he know...that we didn't want Ryan to leave anymore then he did Sandy: well right now it's...its not about what he knows (rubs Kirsten's arm) it's about how he feels Kirsten: (looks around) this house jus seems so empty (a shirtless guy walks through) Sandy: an yet so full (3 guys pull down a plastic sheet that is separating the kitchen and dining room) Sandy: full of sweaty, shirtless men...you'd think you'd be in heaven (Kirsten laughs) (door bell) Kirsten: oh that's Jimmy I said that we were gonna have dinner with him but... (sighs) Sandy: ill talk to him (walks out) (Kirsten sighs) CUT TO: The front door - Sandy opens the door and Jimmy is standing there. Sandy: Jimbo (Jimmy smiles) how goes it Jimmy: it goes fantastic (Sandy comes outside & shuts the door) you guys still gonna join me an Hailey on the boat for dinner Sandy: (softly) (shakes his head) no, Kirsten's not feelin so great Jimmy: Seth still won't come home huh Sandy: no he'll come home you know he's-he's got no real choice I...i'm jus tryin'a figure out the best way for him to realise that Jimmy: well if you're too tough on him, I mean bring him back kicking an screaming (sits on the step) Sandy: oh I know, it'll only make things worse, the last thing anybody wants is (sits next to Jimmy) a bitter resentful teenager in the house (Jimmy laughs) he wont talk ta me, he wont talk to Kirsten Jimmy: well maybe there's somebody else he'll talk to (Sandy looks at Jimmy) CUT TO: Chino - Ryan is on the building site he looks over and sees Sandy getting out of the car Sandy: (walks towards him) ah I wanted'to make sure you weren't slackin off, tryin'a punch out early (Ryan smiles and shakes Sandy's hand) Ryan: I wish, how are you Sandy: uh pretty good, you Ryan: that was real nice'a Kirsten to send over those baby clothes Sandy: oh please Kirsten loves ta shop, even for the unborn Ryan: how's the remodel goin? Sandy: alot like this (points) a disaster Ryan: well as long as it keeps her distracted right Sandy: well it's not really doin the trick anymore Ryan: Seth wants'to stay in Portland Sandy: an school is right around the corner an everybody's diggin in their heels holdin their positions Ryan: so you goin up there Sandy: yeah i've always liked Luke he's like a-a big golden retriever (Ryan laughs) Ryan: actually he-he kinda is Sandy: you wanna come (Ryan looks at him) 1, 2 punch might be more effective, you an me...unbeatable combination Ryan: (thinks) he was pretty mad at me the last time I saw him...we haven't talked since so Sandy: oh he's pretty mad at everybody Ryan: (unsure) I don't know its- Theresa's got some tests I got...work Sandy: well (pulls out a plane ticket) just in case (hands it to him) and don't worry if you don't use it I got a great fare (Theresa pulls up in the car and looks over at them. Sandy and Ryan look over at her, Sandy waves, Theresa waves back) Ryan: good luck Sandy: take care kid (touches Ryan's arm) (Sandy goes to his car and Ryan watches, then walks over to Theresa and puts the ticket in his back pocket. Sandy opens his car door) CUT TO: Theresa and Ryan's room - the alarm clock says 6:00, on the same table is a photo frame with a photo of Ryan and Theresa together - we see Ryan lying in bed wide awake thinking, he closes his eyes then opens them again. camera changes and we see Theresa lying next to him on her side she's also wide awake and looks worried - Ryan walks out the front door carrying the trash he puts it in the bin then looks towards the street, we see a boy on his bike, then 2 more boys on bikes appear. one of the boys on bikes holds his hand out and a boy high fives him as he rides past. the boy looks like a younger version of Ryan, he's even in a wife beater,lol. the boy looks over at Ryan, and Ryan looks at him. a car drives passed blocking Ryan's view of the boy, then when the car moves out of the shot the boy is gone. Ryan walks away - Ryan is back inside, he stands in the doorway and watches Theresa who is in a pink robe standing at the stove. Theresa turns around and Ryan waves and smiles. Theresa smiles then turns back around. the camera pans to a brown paper bag sitting on the table. Ryan looks at it then back at Theresa - Ryan is now sitting on the bed he picks up his pants and pulls the plane ticket out and looks at it, he puts it on top of the alarm clock (Theresa opens the door) Theresa: breakfast is ready (Ryan turns around) my mom left early so there's plenty of food Ryan: thanks (picks up the plane ticket) Theresa: what's that? Ryan: nothing uh Sandy needs some help convincing Seth to come home Theresa: (nods) is that why he came by yesterday, cause you said he was jus checking in (Ryan stands) Ryan: yeah...nah its I don't know I mean Seth's still angry (Theresa sits) I guess he blames his parents Theresa: for you leaving Ryan: yeah Theresa: I can't imagine what he thinks about me...so are you gonna go to Portland Ryan: no, I can't Theresa: you should go if you wanna go Ryan: it's for them to figure out, as a family Theresa: your not part'a their family Ryan: not anymore (kisses her on the cheek) I should get to work (Theresa watches him leave) CUT TO: A parking garage - a car drives in and the camera follows it, it stops next to another car. we now see that Caleb is in one car and Sandy in the one that pulls up Sandy: (puts window down) hey Cal, always a pleasure although if I may w...why're we meetin in a parking garage Caleb: because my office...might be bugged, my home your home who knows what the feds are up to Sandy: (smiles) boy you've really flipped your noodle haven't ya, hey I could be wearin a wire...you never know (puts his hand up) sure you don't wanna frisk me Caleb: I don't have time for your jokes Sandy: nor do I, I gotta be at the OC airport in half an hour...i'm headin up to Portland Caleb: to see Seth Sandy: (nods) yeah Caleb: I don't get it, his best friend leaves so he...runs off with another boy and his gay dad, gotta admit it sounds kinda strange Sandy: an this comin from a guy who is one click away from wearin a wig an a fake moustache Caleb: you think my paranoia is unfounded Sandy: (smiles) it's entertaining but completely unfounded, I haven't heard anything from any'a my friends at the DA's office Caleb: that doesn't make any sense, DA comes to see me at the beginning of summer, tells me the sky is falling...an he hasn't done a damn thing since Sandy: well either they've realised they got nothin...or there building one hell of a case...I got a plane to catch (starts the car) CUT TO: Portland - Luke and Seth are working. Seth is drawing a super hero looking girl in a book (it closely resembles Summer) Luke notices Luke: that looks just like uh (Seth looks at him) talked to her since your fourth'a July blow out Seth: no, she stopped taking my calls so I stopped making em she doesn't understand it's not about her Luke: you've got some will power because she has a killer rack (Seth looks at him) (we see 2 girls through the window, Luke goes over to them) G: you guys missed the greatest water ski lesson of all time Jane: this guy must'a ben three hundred pounds an he wanted to drop his skis (Luke kisses G) G: i've never seen anyone wipe out harder in my life, he lost everything Jane: including...his bathing suit Seth: heeey, i'm sorry I missed that Jane: (walks over to Seth) hey what happened to you last night we went to saltys an my ID finally worked, it was so much fun Seth: yeah I don't know, jus wasn't up for it Luke: Cohen got in a little fight with his mom Seth: (closes his eyes) thankyou, that was both honest an emasculating G: parents turning up the heat? Seth: I guess, its probably time to tell em about the home school plan Jane: i'm sure that will go over really well, we gotta get back out there...jus wanted'to share Seth: alright dude (holds out his hand) Jane: alright (Luke kisses G goodbye) Seth: don't drown...oh hey if you see anymore naked fat guys be sure an let Luke know, ok (they both laugh. Luke looks at Seth) Luke: dude Seth: yes Luke: you need'to close on Jane before the summers over CUT TO: them walking into Luke's house Seth: I live here so does she, there's plenty'a time Luke: whatever you say (Carson comes in from another room) Carson: hey guys Luke: hey dad, what times dinner? Carson: uh half an hour...and we have a guest (Seth and Luke look at Carson, Sandy walks in) Sandy: hi, Sandy Cohen (Seth stands there stunned and manages a little wave) CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten is at the front door and Marissa and Jimmy are getting out of a cute little red car Kirsten: oh hey Jimmy: hey Kirsten: new car? Marissa: oh yeah my mom gave it to me, it's my get away car (walks in) Jimmy: not without me Kirsten: ah thankyou you guys for coming Jimmy: Hailey is stuck at work but we're happy to keep you company Kirsten: yeah well being in the house by yourself isn't as wonderful as I had fantacised (they are all inside now) Marissa: so have you talked ta Seth...or Ryan Kirsten: I talked at Seth, if it qualifies as a conversation...Sandy saw Ryan last night he-he seems to be doing well Marissa: oh well that's good Kirsten: do you guys still talk Marissa: uh...yeah not really, we use to but it jus sorto made everything harder (Kirsten nods) (Marissa leaves the room) Jimmy: see, your kid doesn't need to be in Portland to be distant (rubs Kirsten's arm Kirsten sighs) CUT TO: Marissa walking into the back yard. she shuts the door and stares at the pool house, she slowly walks up to the doors. she looks in and we see all the bedding neatly left stacked on the bed. Marissa goes to put her hand on the door handle. she stops and pulls her hand back. she turns around and walks away, sad CUT TO: Carson's house - Carson, Luke, Sandy and Seth are at the table eating dinner. Carson and Sandy are sitting next to each other and Luke and Seth are across from them Carson: so the last I heard you were opening a restaurant, how's that goin Sandy: well...didn't happen I-it's a long story but hey they have plenty'a good restaurants in Newport Seth: I thought you said all the restaurants in Newport were over priced an over sauced (Sandy looks at Seth, Seth shrugs) Sandy: (to Carson) I have this thing about sauces, less is more (laughs) (Carson laughs) (to Luke) so you excited about school or Luke: its gonna be a little weird I-I gotta meet all the new kids an...they don't have a water polo team Seth: hey, some would call that heaven Sandy: the Harbor school jus broke ground on the new gym an you know it-it shou-should be beautiful Seth: are you-are you workin for the tourism board now Sandy: watch your mouth, I was tryin'a be polite...you might wanna give it a try Seth: no thanks id rather be honest Sandy: you wanna be honest? Seth: yeah Sandy: well lets talk about the spoiled brat whose had everything handed to him (Seth listens with his bottom lip sucked in) whose parents have ben bustin their asses to make sure he's happy an how does he repay em Seth: this isn't about you Sandy: yes it is! because you're killing your mother and she is killing me Seth: ya can't spend my entire life telling me everything that's wrong with Newport an then just expect i'm gonna go back (shrugs) ya can't do that Sandy: Newport is your home, like it or not, when your eighteen an you've saved up enough money you can move far away from the parents you resent an the town you loathe Seth: ya let Ryan go, why not me? Sandy: we invited Ryan into our home, you don't get that choice- Seth: (upset) yeah but you didn't even try an stop him i'm mean u- ya didn't even make an attempt Sandy: ...Ryan had'a do what he had'a do Seth: ok well so do I (leaves the table) (Sandy watches him leave, stunned) CUT TO: The beach - Marissa is at the life guard tower where Ryan first told them he was leaving. she is sitting down looking lost. she picks up a bottle of alcohol and drinks she then reaches into her bag and pulls out her phone and dials a number CUT TO: Chino - Theresa and Ryan are in bed, the phone rings. Ryan rolls over and answers it Ryan: hello (Marissa is teary, just listening and not saying anything) Ryan: hello (closes his eyes) who is this (Marissa looks as though she wants to say something but she cant - Ryan lays there not saying anything, to me the look in his face looks as though he knows its Marissa - Marissa breathes heavily, still not saying anything - Ryan is still listening on the phone - Marissa starts to get upset then pulls the phone away from her ear and hangs up - Ryan closes his eyes and pulls the phone away from his ear, he opens them then hangs the phone up. we see Theresa is awake and looks worried) CUT TO: Carson's house the next morning - Carson is in the kitchen and Sandy walks in Carson: mornin Sandy: morning Carson: d'you want some coffee? Sandy: please Carson: yeah I make it kinda strong Sandy: oh anything this side'a motoroil(?) I-I didn't sleep at all...i'm sorry about our little family drama last night Carson: he's a good kid Sandy, he's a smart kid Sandy: he-he's too smart (laughs) Carson: (laughs) when is it that the kids get all the power Sandy: oh they've always had the power y'know when there two years old your runnin after em, tryin'a make sure they don't get hurt an...well this is the teenage version'a that (Seth comes in) Seth: Carson, father Sandy: son Carson: i'm gonna go see what uh Luke wants for breakfast Seth: hmm I believe that was just a convenient excuse to leave us to round two Sandy: oh there is no round two...i'm backing your play Seth: (confused) what? is this like a...Jedi mind trick or Sandy: no I...I thought about what you said last night an...an I don't know what else to do...if this is really where you wanna be...I cant force ya to come back Seth: (nods) so your letting me stay Sandy: well at least I know your safe here...you know its better then draggin you home...so that when the next time you decide to run away y-y you might not leave a note you might not call Seth: (nods) ...well thankyou...thankyou uh I you know i'm really sorry ta...drag you all the way up here Sandy: (smiles) well it was worth it jus to see ya Seth: (smiles) yeah you too Sandy: so, look you know that I left home when I was your age and uh an I uh an I wanna say to you what I-I wish my parents had said to me Seth: ooh (smiles) Sandy: we love you (Seth nods) an the door is always open Seth: yeah I know, I know (Sandy looks at Seth, Seth looks at Sandy) Seth: got a...sailing lesson at ten an I gotta... Sandy: alright Seth: thanks (Sandy nods) (they hug tightly, Sandy closes his eyes - aww) Sandy: take care of yourself huh Seth: yeah, bye (waves) CUT TO: Chino - Ryan walks out of their bedroom with an overnight type bag and drops it in the kitchen. Theresa is already in there Theresa: hey, so uh we should probably leave in half hour Ryan: I don't work Saturdays Theresa: no, my doctors appointment Ryan: uh...right Theresa: (smiles) you forgot Ryan: no, no I um...yeah I forgot (smiles) sorry Theresa: (nods, smiles) (notices the bag) w-what's with the bag Ryan: uh I was...gonna go ta Portland...actually (Theresa nods) before I remembered your doctors appointment Theresa: ...except you didn't remember Ryan: well i've ben to every doctor's appointment what're you sayin I don't care? Theresa: no its jus plane tickets showing up (Ryan looks at her) phone calls in the middle of the night...what's going on Ryan: look I left Newport to make life easier for everyone but it seems like all I did was make everything more complicated Theresa: (nods, hurt) that's funny...I thought you left Newport to be with me Ryan: I did (smiles) alright I jus...i've just gotta make things right with Seth Theresa: (shrugs) why...it's not like you abandoned him Ryan: well actually it kinda is...I just...I just took off I didn't really talk to him about it I... (Theresa nods & puts her head down) look i'm only goin'to Portland what are you afraid i'm gonna lose my construction job Theresa: (smiles) I mean its just a check up y'know there'll be alotto sitting around reading old TV guides listening to bad musak, my mom loves that stuff (Ryan sighs and walks over to her, he stands behind her) Ryan: (softly) you sure Theresa: (turns around to face him) yeah (nods) Ryan: alright (kisses her on the cheek) I gotta run (Ryan leaves, Theresa nods and looks sad) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The mansion - Marissa is sun baking by the pool, and listening to music. Julie walks over to her {Marissa has such an 'I can't be bothered' attitude with Julie, it is so funny to watch} Julie: Marissa... (nearer to her) ugh Marissa you're not even ready (Marissa shakes her head and makes an ' I can't hear you' motion) Julie: take your head phones off (Marissa does it again, lol) Julie: (yells) I said take your head phones off (Marissa lays her head back down completely ignoring Julie. frustrated Julie pushes a button on the music player) Marissa: (annoyed) uh I was listening to that mom Julie: we were suppose'to leave for cardio bar fifteen minutes ago Marissa: oh, right (lays back again,lol) sorry (starts her music again) Julie: (had enough) (un plugs the player from the ear phones) fine, i'm taking this away an your grounded Marissa: (stands up) what're you talking about! (takes off her sunnies) you can't ground me Julie: I most certainly can because I will not spend another minute living like this, all summer long you've ignored me acting like I don't even exist Marissa: (scoffs) I wish Julie: (shocked) what'did you say (Marissa just looks at her) (closes her eyes) why do we have'ta keep doing this, honey instead of shutting me out just tell me what's bothering you Marissa: you really wanna know what's bothering me, do you, do you really wanna know what's on my mind Julie: yes (Marissa looks at Julie and screams as hard as she can {for anyone that's seen the preview of season 2. this is that incredible scream} Marissa does one long scream, then one short one. Julie watches stunned. Marissa screams again and throws the sun lounge she was sitting on, into the pool. it scares Julie. then Marissa picks up the table and throws it into the pool here I think she screams 'good' or 'god' I cant work out which. Marissa turns and glares at Julie with a very angry look, then walks away. Julie just watches helplessly) CUT TO: Carson's house - Sandy is on the phone to the DA in the living room Sandy: ok well thanks for the heads up Otis, i'm gonna talk to Caleb as soon as I get back into town Carson (at the front door) Sandy, your cabs here Sandy: (softly) alright thanks (Sandy picks up his bag - camera changes and he is now outside headed towards his cab, Ryan gets out and Sandy is suprised) Sandy: oh, I had a feeling i'd see you here Ryan: what, are you leavin? Sandy: (shrugs) I took my shot...good luck (walks to the cab) an thanks (Ryan looks at him then walks towards the house) CUT TO: Cohen house - Kirsten opens the front door and Summer is standing there with a pink crate full of stuff Kirsten: Summer, hello Summer: (smiles) hey Mrs. Cohen, can I come in Kirsten: y- sure (Summer walks in) is everything ok (Summer puts the crate down on the stairs) Summer: i'm here to get over Seth! Kirsten: excuse me Summer: well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of all of Seth's - material - possessions (Kirsten looks at her confused) I gotta dump off a bunch of his crap Kirsten: (understands) oh right, got it Summer: my therapist said that it's uh my best chance at ever again vibrating at a high frequency Kirsten: (confused) vibrating at a high frequency Summer: Lynn Grabhorn (Kirsten still doesn't follow) excuse me your life is waiting...(explains) human beings have an electro-chemical currency running through us which is effected by our emotions, when your feeling happy or joyful that current or energy (Kirsten is listening) is vibrating at a higher frequency then when your feeling...sad or angry at lets say Seth Cohen, when your vibrating at a higher frequency your more likely to attract happy people then when you are vibrating at a low, sad, bitter at Cohen frequency, its the law of attraction and physics (picks up the crate) Kirsten: you know where'to find his room Summer: (on the stairs) thanks Kirsten: Summer, for the record, if he wasn't my son...i'd do the same thing (smiles) (Summer smiles then goes up the stairs - the camera changes and Summer is now entering Seth's room. she walks in slowly and stops. she puts the crate down on the floor and picks up Captain Oats from the table) Summer: (softly) I hope we can still be friends (Summer sighs and puts him back on the table, she bends down and lifts the crate over to Seth's bed. she dumps everything out on the bed then sadly looks around his room, after a little while she walks out and shuts the door) CUT TO: Carson's house - Luke and Seth are walking inside Luke: what'do ya say Cohen first up madden football Seth: dude when're you gonna give up the sports games Luke: why would I do that (to Carson who is in the kitchen) hey dad is dinner ready yet Carson: got the grill goin...and we've got another guest Seth: yeah who is it this time, my mom (Ryan walks out. Seth slowly looks up, Ryan looks at him) Seth: you I would not have guessed (waves) Luke: what's goin on Chino? Ryan: how're you guys (smiles) (Luke and Ryan shake hands) Seth: uh y'know good (shakes Ryan's hand) i'm sure your probably here to do my fathers bidding...but um I don't know you might as well stay for a burger right Ryan: yeah (smiles) (Seth is now outside cooking on the grill, Ryan is inside looking out at him, he walks out) Ryan: hey man Seth: hey Ryan: ah so you learned how ta work a grill, you got a step up on your mom Seth: oh i've learned alot this summer Ryan Ryan: Portland seems nice Seth: yeah Ryan: from the airplane anyway Seth: yeah its awesome, real people real weather, cute girls to Ryan: so you an Summer... Seth: (frowns) mm not so good actually she'll uh she'll probably never speak to me again (Ryan looks at him sympathetic) ah it's probably best she moves on though I mean I don't think we're gonna be seeing to much of each other that I live here now Ryan: listen man i'm sorry if I-if I caused y- Seth: (waves it off) dude honestly stop, you did not make me leave Newport ok (Ryan looks at him) if anything the truth'a the matter is, you probably made me stay a year longer then I should have (shrugs) honestly like boarding school Portland whatever, I was outta there sooner or later, I mean me an The O.C are a truly beatable combination Ryan: well its still a pretty big deal, I mean droppin outta school living up here Seth: I don't know, it use'to be perfectly normal for teenagers to board tram(?) steamers an travel the country Ryan: that was the depression, they were looking for work Seth: hobos are hot again Ryan: so there's no chance of you goin back to Newport Seth: ...are you (Ryan doesn't say anything) well then y'know (goes back to grilling) Ryan: yeah but Seth I can't Seth: (turns around) neither can I (walks away) (Ryan stands there thinking) CUT TO: The mansion - Jimmy is standing out the front near the stairs and Julie goes over to him with a drink Jimmy: I gotta admit Jules, you've done well for yourself, its everything you always wanted Julie: (smiles) be careful what you wish for Jimmy: thanks (drinks) so whats'a matter what's goin on Julie: aside from our daughter being the spawn of chucky an Keith Moon Jimmy: (shakes his head) she is definitely goin through a hard time right now Julie: m Jimmy, you have no idea the level four melt down I witnessed, there was lawn furniture in the pool Jimmy: sounds like it constitutes a level five Julie: sad part is, its the most honest conversation we've had yet (Jimmy listens) thank god Kaitlin's going away to boarding school this is no environment for a child, Marissa however is going to be seriously screwed up for the rest of her life, permanent damage Jimmy, unless we do something Jimmy: like what Julie: provide her with some semblance of a normal family dynamic, maybe Sunday dinners you can come over here with um (thinks) Jimmy: Hailey Julie: right, right...you two are still... Jimmy: yeah we're doin great she's fantastic, sweet, limber...how bout you an Caleb Julie: not so limber (Jimmy laughs) (smiles) Jimmy: uh...ill help the best I can ok Julie: thankyou, and for the record...I am...happy for you Jimmy: (laughs) for the record I don't believe you but...for Marissa's sake ill-ill pretend to CUT TO: Cohen house - Sandy answers the door and Caleb is there. he walks in, agitated Caleb: I can't believe you talked to the DA's office yesterday and we're just talking now Sandy: I was tryin'a bring your grandson home, he's staying...thanks for asking Caleb: he's staying...w-would you like me to talk to him, I can be quite persuasive Sandy: you better rest up, an stock pile some'a that persuasiveness Caleb: why, what'did the DA say Sandy: (nods) the clouds have gathered Cal, it's about to rain down on ya...on all of us (Caleb looks at him) so put your storm windows in if you know what I mean Caleb: that bad huh Sandy: get your house in order, the Newport group, the family, do it soon (Caleb stands there thinking) CUT TO: Carson's house - we hear the phone ringing, and see an ice hockey video game on the TV. Luke, Seth and Ryan are sitting on the couch together Luke: c'mon Chino, try an hurt me...huh...make me feel pain (Seth looks at him) wound me Seth: (to Ryan) think of all the money Luke saves on therapy playin these games Ryan: (softly) mm I think he should still consider therapy Luke: (heard) oooh your gonna pay for that Carson: Ryan, telephone Ryan: uh (hands the controller to Seth) (stands) good luck Seth: (to Luke) ill wound you Luke: (in the background) show you what i'm made of Cohen Seth: (in the background) ok Ryan: (takes the phone, answers) hello (Theresa is sitting on their bed) Theresa: Ryan Ryan: hey (frowns) what's wrong Theresa: ...I went to the doctors...for the check up (teary) and they couldn't find a heart beat...I lost the baby Ryan (Ryan listens, stunned) I guess in the first couple months this can happen Ryan: ok uhh, ok i'm comin back i'm uh i'm gettin on the next flight and uh- Theresa: no Ryan: what Theresa: I think...(upset) that maybe we should see this as a sign (Ryan listens) you know I think its a sign...Ryan your not happy with me, you haven't ben happy...the only reason you stayed is because of this baby...an now there isn't a baby Ryan: you don't want me to come home Theresa: ...you don't wanna come home (we see Seth and Luke on the couch, Ryan comes into the shot just barely) Seth: (turns around) hey, everything alright (Seth and Luke both look at him) Ryan: ...Theresa lost the baby... (Ryan walks out of the room and Seth watches - camera changes and Ryan is now in a bedroom, he walks in and shuts the door, he walks over to the bed and sits down. he rubs his arm firmly. he's breathing heavily and his eyes are shut. he puts his head down, then lifts it up and opens his eyes, he has tears in his eyes {aww} we hear a knock then Seth walks in. he sits next to Ryan. Seth touches Ryan's back then just sits there with him not saying anything {you can tell Seth wants to be there for Ryan, but he's not sure how}) CUT TO: Theresa is still in their bedroom - she's upset and her mom opens the door T's mom: did you tell him (Theresa sniffs, then nods) T's mom: (walks closer) did he believe you Theresa: yeah I think so (sniffs) (T's mom sits next to her) T's mom: it's for the best, for you an him, and for the baby (Theresa nods then gets more upset, she hugs her mom and cries into her shoulder) CUT TO: Carson's house - Ryan is outside on the balcony and Seth walks out and sits on the railing Seth: what times your cab gettin here? Ryan: any minute Seth: ...what're you gonna do now Ryan: I don't know, get my stuff outta Theresa's an...then i'm homeless again Seth: have I sold you on the wonders of Portland (smiles) we could take our show on the road(?) Ryan: I can't impose, besides I got this job...pays pretty well so...ill figure somethin out, what about you man Seth: uh you know...jus keep teachin sailing, hang with Luke...his dads dating someone new so (laughs) that should be interesting Ryan: sounds fun Seth: plus you know...my parents are kinda ok with this now so its good cause y'know I don't have'to feel guilty or uh Ryan: that's great man Seth: (un convincingly) yeah its awesome (softly) it's awesome (Luke comes to the door) Luke: Chino your cabs here (Seth looks at Ryan, the same look he had when Ryan left in 127 {aww - i also want to mention the song that plays through this scene is All The Arms Around You by Halloween Alaska, it is just so perfect for this scene and their situation}) Ryan: alright well (walks towards Seth) I guess this is it Seth: (nods) hey don't be a stranger Ryan: ...alright...see ya (Ryan grabs his bag and walks away. Seth stays on the railing - we see Ryan walking out the front door, he starts walking towards the cab - Seth is thinking - Ryan walking to the cab - Seth thinking - we see Ryan from above getting close to the cab, as if Seth is looking at him from the balcony - Seth looks the other way and fidgets a little, we see his foot is going up and down like mad - we see Ryan from above, he's almost at the cab - Seth's foot still moving up and down - we see a close up of Ryan's head, then we see his hand on the cab door - we see Seth's foot quickly move out of the shot, and then we just see that Seth has jumped down from the railing, we then see inside the house, Seth runs through the kitchen and to the front door. he opens it and Ryan is standing on the other side - aww) Seth: uh (laughs) Ryan: (smiles) hey so uh I was thinkin Seth: I was thinking too (they both nod) Seth: you know they don't even have a water polo team here, an that's jus gonna be a problem for me (nods) (Ryan blinks his eyes and nods) we don't have'to hug or anything like that right Ryan: (shakes his head) nup Seth: ok come on (motions for him to come inside) (Ryan walks in and Seth has a huge smile on his face, he shuts the door) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - it's now night and Sandy and Kirsten are eating their dinner, neither are happy Sandy: (swallows) I kinda like eating amongst the furniture it's...its cozy (Kirsten looks at him not impressed) Seth: (heard in the background) hmm so we leave for like (Sandy and Kirsten both look up) three months you tear the whole place apart (Sandy gets up) Kirsten: (suprised) your back! (Seth and Ryan both smile) (Kirsten laughs, screams, runs and hugs both of them at the same time, they each have one hand on her back. Kirsten rubs both their backs) Seth: there's a uh two for one special on brooding young men Sandy: (to Ryan) are you comin back too Ryan: uh yeah, yeah it's a long story but I figured this is where I belong so Seth: yeah (hugs Sandy) (smiles) ah what he said (laughs) (the four of them have huge smiles on their faces - aww) Sandy: good, cause nobody leaves this family twice (Ryan and Sandy shake hands) welcome home Ryan: thanks CUT TO: The pool house - It is completely dark and Ryan opens the door. he walks in puts his bag down then turns the lights on, he turns around and shuts the door, just as he does Seth goes to walk in and the door squashes him,lol Seth: hey, what's goin on (shuts the door) (Ryan walks in and looks around) Seth: alright (Ryan sighs) so, good to be back Ryan: yeah, yeah it is, you Seth: (shrugs) my room felt...so much smaller to me, I don't know or perhaps i've grown quite a bit in the last few months (Ryan frowns) Summer had ben there though she um... dumped everything an anything that reminded her of me so that should be really fun come Monday Ryan: yeah, Mondays gonna suck (sighs) Seth: do you need anything, want me to um (raises his eyebrows) fire up the grill because Ryan (points) I can do that Ryan: no i'm good, i'm good, tired but good Seth: well then (waves, and goes to leave) Ryan: hey wait wait uh (Seth turns back) how'd you make it all the way to Portland from Newport in that little catamaran Seth: (nods) mm (motions for him to sit) well Ryan si'down my son (Ryan puts his hands together and nods his head, then sits on the bed) Seth: (dramatic) it was a long an torturous journey and i'm not gonna...i'm not gonna sugar coat any'a the details for you Ryan: please don't Seth: cause we're friends (sits, sighs) first uh-hm I sailed to Catalina Ryan: hm Seth: then I sailed to Santa Barbara (Ryan raises his eyebrows) Santo Barbara I ran outta snacks, freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a grey hound ta Portland Ryan: you took a bus Seth: yeah, but don't say it like that it was a local ok have you ever ben on one'a those, not for the faint of heart Ryan: (softly) I can't believe after all that you took a bus Seth: yeah I think we're definitely gonna have'ta...come up with a better story for school though, that'd be good Ryan: no, no I like the bus idea it's cool Seth: ok but what about maybe um...(sniffs) boat sank saved by whales, its very whale rider Ryan: what else you got? Seth: I-I took the boat, boat sank saved by mermaids (heard as we fade out from the pool house) boat sank stranded on a desert island uh (we fade out to a wide shot of the pool house and you can only just see them through the glass windows - fade out)

With the end of summer quickly approaching, tension fills the air in THE O.C. The Cohen family is desperate to convince Seth, who ran away at the beginning of the summer, to return home. Meanwhile in Chino, Ryan is working construction while a pregnant Theresa waits at home. Back in Newport Beach, while Summer is finding ways to deal with Seth's disappearance, Marissa is distancing herself from the world and masking her problems by reverting to old habits.

fd_Heartland_08x02

fd_Heartland_08x02_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Ahmed, Gypsy is incredible! We need to train him as a puissance horse. He loves to jump, just not the whole course. Just a single high jump. Tim: I think what you guys really need is... somebody with a real eye. Thanks for the interest in partnering with us, Tim, but I'm gonna have to go with my gut on this one. I would've been a lot better partner than a competitor. You guys are married? Yeah, we are. How could you not tell us?! Amy: Ahmed, he wants me to keep Gypsy... As a gift. Oh my God. (Laptop snaps shut) (Dramatic music) (Hooves thunder) (Thunderous landing thud) [SCENE_BREAK] Whoa... I'm sorry, boy. I can't do it. (Breathing hard) (Hooves thud lightly) Okay... I know, I know, that sucked. But it's not his fault, I just haven't been able to psych myself up. Where'd that big red wall come from? Amy: Hillhurst. One of the perks of working for a prince. You gonna give me a hand? I may need some moral support. Sorry, I got lots of homework and stuff. Lou: So, grandpa, will Lisa be joining us for dinner? Jack: Nope. I think she'll be staying home tonight. (Sighs heavily) Lou: Oh? And which home would that be? Come on, Lou, you know perfectly well. Lou: No, I don't. Where exactly is home for you guys? Well, here and there. I think you've hit on the secret to a happy marriage: Don't live together, don't change anything, and most importantly, don't tell anyone. Jack: Oh, Lou. (Door opens and closes) Hi, Georgie! How was school? There's fresh muffins. Georgie: I'm not hungry. Jack: Wonder what's bugging her? Lou: What's bugging her? Honestly? What do you think is bugging her, grandpa? You and Lisa go off and get married in secret, like we don't even matter to you. Jack: Lou, you are making way too much out of this. Oh, I almost forgot. Peter called... your husband. He said he was at work, he'd call you again when he got home. You know, his home... in, uh, Vancouver. (Door creaks open) Caleb: Let's see what we got. Ty: All right. (Steer bellows) (Horse whinnies) Caleb: Whoa! Whoa! (Horse whinnies, Caleb grunts) Ungh! Ty: Hey! You all right? Caleb: Yeah. Wow. Looks like you guys got yourself a real good bucking horse there. Too bad you thought you were getting a roper. (Laughing) Caleb: What're you doing here, Tim? Me? Oh, I just picked up a couple of retired racehorses at rock-bottom prices. What, you getting back into the racing business? Tim: No, no. I'm gonna retrain 'em and sell them as jumpers. What about you guys? What're doing other than eating dirt? Well, so far no sales. Yeah, we've had some real sweet offers though. Tim: Really? Caleb: Yeah. And we're kind of busy right now though. Tim: Okay. Well, I'd help you, but I know you don't want my help. Which is too bad, 'cause... if you did partner up with me, you wouldn't have six horses and no buyers, but... (Birds chirp, steers moo) (Key clicks) Lou: Georgie? (Knocks on the door) Brought you a muffin. Honey, are you okay? Yeah, I've just got a lot of homework. Okay. (Gasps) The solar system! Hey, do you need any help? Because when I was in sixth grade, I made a working model, all nine planets. Actually, there are only eight. Pluto was downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet. Really? But a dwarf planet's still just like a... little planet, right? Yeah, so is VP 113 and Sedan. Astronomers believe that... there are hundreds, maybe even thousands more. Oh. Okay. Well, if you have any other questions or... Nope. Actually, I got it. Okay. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] (Gypsy grunts) (Hooves thud loudly, Gypsy grunts) (Blocks crash) Damn! (Sighs heavily) and at the break of day you sank into your dream you dreamer oh, oh, oh... You dreamer you dreamer Val: Well, if it isn't Hudson county's most eligible bachelor! Val and Jack: (Laugh) Well I'll be! How long's it been, Val? Three, four years? I don't know. Jack: (Chuckles) Val: Jack! It's so good to see you. So how're you doing? Well... you know, what can I say? Florida's wonderful... the sunshine, the people, the real estate... but... (Sighs) I had to come back. I feel pretty much the same way every time I'm away. Which is what? Once a century? Oh, dunno. Might try for twice this century. Val: Oh... (Laughs) Jack: (Chuckles) So what brings you home? I just decided I can't deal with the business at Briar Ridge anymore... Oh? So I'm here to oversee the transition. Transition? Oh, you selling or hiring somebody? Yeah, well, that's the thing. I want to keep it in the family. (Truck rumbles) (Door opens and closes) Jesse: Amy. (Dog barks in the distance) What, you're not gonna say hello? Amy: Jesse... Jesse Stanton?! Jesse: (Laughs) Wow, you got it in one. Amy: What? Jesse: So, how you been? You just got back from Europe, right? Uh... Yeah, my mom and Ashley keep me pretty up to date. Of course. Matter of fact, I heard you're getting married to that guy I punched out in grade ten? (Laughs) Yes, Ty. Um, but the way I remember it, he kinda punched you out. Jesse: (Laughs) Okay, yeah. Yeah. Well, good choice! I mean, a guy like that, you can be pretty sure he's got your back. Amy: Yeah. So, how have you been? Great. I just got my commerce degree, which I plan on putting to good use over at Briar Ridge. So if you're looking for a job, you can always come work for me? Yeah, see, I don't think you can afford me. My last boss was an actual prince, you know. Jesse: So I heard. Both: (Laugh) But think about it, all right? I mean, with your talent and my financial background, we could really make this happen. Yeah, I'll think about it. Amy: Good to see you. Jesse: You too. Jesse: Take care, okay? Amy: Okay. (Gate clanks) (Crumpling) Ty: You're not even gonna look at it? (Hooves clop) Don't have to. I already know what it says. You gonna give me a hint? Caleb: Okay. It's from the AG society. Turns out we're a wee bit behind on the boarding for the horses. How far behind? About all the way. What're you talking about? I just gave you five grand! Caleb: Okay, if we don't get these horses trained and sold fast, then the food bill, the vet bill and the stable fees are gonna kill us. So right now, we just need to conserve our resources and stay the course. Are you nuts? If we don't pay our bills, we're gonna go into more debt. Caleb: Okay. Then what would you suggest? We sell them now, before we're in so deep Ty: We can't get out. Caleb: Whoa, whoa. We're already taking enough crap from Tim, yeah? Think what it'll be like if we can't make this work. I'm planning on marrying into this family, so taking crap from Tim comes with the territory. Amy: So how did it go today with Caleb and the horses? Ty: Uh, we had some challenges. We spent most of the afternoon dealing with this one horse that was always throwing Caleb off whenever he roped a steer. Amy: Oh, hold on a second. You might be going about this backwards because roping a steer should be the very last step. Ty: I know, but the thing is, we don't really have the time or the money to train them properly, so I've been trying to convince Caleb to sell them now. Amy: No, Ty, you cannot sell them, not before you've trained them. You'll lose money, and dad'll never stop saying "I told you so." Ty: I don't really think we have any other option, Amy. So... Amy: Well, sure you do. I've got plenty of time and I happen to know a thing or two about horses. Katie: Grandpa! Tim: Hi! Tim: Hey, everybody. Hope you don't mind me dropping by uninvited? Lou: Like always. Of course not, dad. Tim: Where's Jack? Lou: Dining at his new bride's house. Tim: Oh! (Laughs) And what about Peter? He ever coming back from Vancouver? Lou: Yes. But it's not just Vancouver, it's Fort Mac, Houston... Tim: Wow, the grand tour. Lou: Well, it's not a pleasure cruise. It's business. He does what he has to do. Yeah, well, don't we all. Speaking of which, Amy, I bought a couple of racehorses at bargain basement prices. I'd love you to turn them into jumpers for me. Amy: Yeah, for sure. Uh, I've got a few other things going on right now, but maybe in a few days? Tim: Okay, yeah, no rush. And how's the prince? Uh, well, I'm still on contract with him, um, but I'm m... mostly doing my own stuff right now. The relationship. Amy: It's good, dad. The relationship is great. Tim: There you go. That's important. Um, may I be excused? Lou: Have you noticed anything different about Georgie lately? Amy: Yeah. Yeah, she does seem... Amy: Kinda stressed. Lou: Yeah. Maybe there's something going on at school? Lou: Nope. I think there's something going on at home. Look, she has been tossed around between different foster homes and families for most of her life and I think she was finally starting to get that this is the real deal, you know? That we are the family she never had. But now, I think she feels like it's all falling apart. Because Peter's always in Vancouver? What?! No. Because grandpa and Lisa just snuck off and got married like they did. You know, Lou, it sounds a little more like your problem than Georgie's. Okay, you know what? A wedding is not just about two people, Amy. It is about sharing a milestone event with friends and family. And... and grandpa and Lisa just... Didn't even think about us. And I don't know if we're ever gonna get over that. (Horse grunts) Amy: (Frustrated sigh) Caleb: So what do you think? Amy: I think that whoever broke these horses did a lousy job of it. They're not balanced, they don't respond to your leg. That one fights the bit and this one's gonna need a lot more time. 'Kay, well, what should we do? We have to go back to basics... Back? No, there's no back. We have to go forward. In fact, we have to go full speed forward. Caleb, that's not how this works. Caleb: Well, I'm on a really tight schedule here, Amy. Amy: You tell that to them. You think they're gonna care about your schedule? Look, I just need you to get them on their feet and out of here as fast as possible. Caleb, I only know one way to do this, okay? So if that doesn't work for you then find someone else. Okay, um... I'm... I'm sorry. Just... Do what you need to do. It'll work for me, too. Totally. (Amy sighs) Lou: Hey, um, Georgie, I'm gonna head into town this afternoon, if you wanna come with. Georgie, are you okay? You know, ever since grandpa announced his secret wedding, you've seemed sort of, I don't know... Out of sorts? I'm not out of sorts, whatever that means. Lou: Well, don't worry, because you're not the only one. And I wish I knew how to fix this, but I... I don't. Well... We could... Give them a wedding present. We didn't give them one when they got married. Well, that's because they didn't tell us they were getting married. Well then, why don't we have a wedding? That would be very nice, but they already had a wedding. No, I meant like when we have speeches, and then have a dance. You mean a reception? Georgie: Yeah. They didn't have one of those, and we could give them the gift. You know, that is not such a bad idea. But I thought you were mad at Jack? Lou: Oh, no, no, I am. But, you know, a nice party, something we could all share... Georgie, I am... I am gonna need your help with this. How about you are in charge of... Picking a nice wedding present for grandpa and Lisa? Georgie: Okay, sure. Lou: Great. Lou: Okay, I'll admit it, I have been a total bit... a little bit stressed lately. And I don't blame you guys. It's just... I feel like I did when I found out that Mary Jane Sutka had this amazing twelfth birthday party and didn't invite me. Jack: Well, this is different. There was no wedding party. Well, except your dad. Lou: That is no consolation, Lisa. But I'm not the only one who feels left out. It's Amy, Ty, and Peter and Georgie. Especially Georgie. So we have to do something about that. Well, we're not getting married again, Lou. No, but we are prepared to do whatever it takes. Lou: Well, I was talking to Georgie and she had mentioned how nice it would be for everyone if we could... share in your happiness. So it got me thinking... That maybe we should have a little... party. Lisa: Oh! Jack: What type of party? Oh, you know, a few friends, beef on a bun, maybe a little music. Yeah, I like that idea. That sounds really good to me. Well, it sounds like a wedding reception and we decided we didn't want a wedding reception. Lisa: Well, that was before we got married! And now we're married, and it's out in the open, and we can do whatever we want. All right. Okay. Just make sure that you keep it small... Lou: Yes. Jack: And not too fancy. Lisa: No. Not... not big, not fancy... Lou: Right. Lisa: A party. Lou: Mm-hmm. And... and you know what? It won't be at all like a wedding reception. (Rope whips around, horse snorts and grunts) Caleb: Half an hour, Amy. You've been spinning that rope for half an hour. Amy: Yeah, and he's still jumpy. You wanna give it a try? No, I don't. I wanna do some actual work. And what is that supposed to mean? Caleb: Put him in the box, chase a steer, see if you could actually rope something. Amy: Okay. All right, why don't you give that a try? Because I've had just about enough of you telling me how to do my job. You let me know how it works out. (Engine sounds) (Low hum of chatter, shoes clack on pavement) Val: Hi, Lou! Planning a party? Val! (Clears throat) Wow! I haven't seen you in years. How are you? I'm okay. Always loved a Heartland party. Lou: Party? It's no... no, it's nothing. It's just... it's a little get together. Well, that is too bad. I want to meet your new baby. Actually, she's almost four years old. Of course she is. Oh my goodness. And I understand that you've taken a little orphan girl under your wing? Lou: Georgie. Val: Aw... And Jack? Gotta spend some time with Jack. We've got a lot to catch up on. I... I bet you do. But, um, look at the time. I really have to run. Lou: Nice to see you. Val: Yeah! And, uh, we'll keep in touch. Okay. (SUV starts up and rumbles away) Lou: I just couldn't bring myself to tell her why we were having the party. I mean, that woman has been carrying a torch for you ever since grandma died, so I don't think it should be my job to tell her the bad news. Well, just tell me that you didn't invite her. Lou: Of course I didn't invite her! I got out of there as fast as I could. But since you created this situation... I didn't create the situation, you did. Lou: Grandpa, even if we weren't having a party, eventually you would have to tell Val you married Lisa. So I'll leave it to you. Ty: So... how's it going? Amy: Great. You know, I've got a feeling that today's the day I'm gonna make it over the wall. Well, that is great. Do you need a leg up? Amy: Yeah. Ty: Yeah? Amy: Thanks. (Hooves thunder) [SCENE_BREAK] (Blocks scrape and clatter) Ty: You almost had it there. Amy: (Frustrated sigh) We had the height, but my timing was off by just a fraction. Ty: So... What happened with Caleb? I tried, Ty. I really did. Ty: Amy, I got a lot of money tied up in those horses. Amy: It's just wasn't working, okay? Look... I wasn't making any progress, and Caleb was driving me nuts. Ty: Okay, well, maybe you need to look at it like you're looking at this wall. You know, you try, you don't make it over, you pick up the bricks, you put them back, and eventually... (Block thumps) You're gonna make it over. Amy: Okay. Except this is a wall made of foam bricks. We're talking about Caleb. I know. (Sighs heavily) But he's my partner, Amy, and I really need a commitment this. So, I heard your run into Lou... Yesterday. Val: Yes I did. And, uh, if this is about the party, I'd love to drop by. Well, it's not really a party, Val. That's the thing. It's... it's uh... more like a... You know, little family get together is all. Ah... (Sighs) I used to feel like I was part of your family. Both: (Chuckle) We sure have been through a lot together, good times and bad, huh? Yeah, we sure have. But you see, um... this is different... Because um... Lisa and I... W... what? Lisa Stillman? (Laughs) Is she still around? Well, yeah. Um... And I know that you and her, you never got on that well... Val: (Laughs) Oh, Jack, I don't care if she's at the party. I'm just in town for a few days and I'd love to spend some time with you. And this is kind of important to me... Because I uh... I'm not in remission anymore. I've got my cancer back. (Thick, brave laugh) Jack: Jeez, Val, I'm sorry. I, I... Boy, what do you say? I never know what to say. (Chuckles uncomfortably) I know. It's d j vu, huh? (Laughs bravely and sighs) Wow. Anything I can do. I mean anything at all, Val, you know I'll be there. [SCENE_BREAK] Georgie: Look, Lou, I found the perfect present: "Hooves for Hope." You can adopt a horse in trouble for Jack and Lisa. Lou: Oh, honey, I'm not sure that uh... Getting them a horse is such a good idea. Georgie: Well, you don't actually get the horse. You just get a cute little stuffed toy. With every hundred dollar donation, you save a horse from going to the slaughterhouse! Lou: Hmm. Well, it looks like a nice place. Georgie: Yeah, and they don't just want your money. You can go and volunteer there, too. I tried calling them, but their line was busy. Hmm. (Truck door bangs shut) Amy: (Clucks her tongue) Come on. Good boy. Tim: Hey. Amy: All right. Tim: What's Amy doing here? Amy: Get up! Get up! Caleb: She's just giving us a hand. Well, how much is she charging you? To tell you the truth, we actually haven't had a chance to discuss fees yet. Tim: Amy! I thought you were too busy to work with my horses? Amy: Well, I am. I've got a lot of work to do here. Tim: Yeah, I can see that, with Caleb's horses. Guess the price was right, huh? Like I said, we haven't had a chance to talk about fees. Tim: Of course you haven't. Well, good luck, honey. She's gonna need it with those over-priced cow ponies. Lou: Okay, so... even if I cross out everyone I don't actually like, I still come up with thirty people. Yeah, and that's a gala for Jack. I know, I know. So... (Door closes, Jack sighs) Lou: Oh, grandpa, how did Val take the news? Jack: Well, she didn't. I was just getting around to the subject when she told me that her cancer is back. Lou: Oh no. Lisa: Oh. Says her doctors are optimistic. She's got a positive attitude. Good. You invited her to come, didn't you? Yes, I did. Lisa: Tell her about us? Jack: No, I didn't. Lou: (Sighs) Jack: It just wasn't the right time, Lis. We are going to need a bigger party. Now why would we want that? Lisa: Well, if... I mean, it would give you a lot more people to talk to and you won't have to explain everything to Val all night. Exactly. Okay. (Whispers) This changes everything. (Laughs) It certainly does. You know, it's like he holds this huge grudge against you, and now that includes me. Ty: What did he say? Amy: I don't know, just like... Good luck, you're gonna need it, or whatever, and then he walked away. (Sighs) I guess he's taking this competition thing a little too seriously. Well, whatever it is, someone needs to tell him to back off... And I'm sort of thinking... That you are the best person for the job. Ty: Oh, me? Amy: Yeah. Ty: Why not you? He's your dad. Amy: Because you're the competition, and he's never gonna respect you if you don't stand up to him. What, you're saying your dad doesn't respect me? No, I'm not. I'm just saying that he'll respect you more if you do this for me. Amy: Hmm? Ty: (Sighs) (Door opens and closes) Amy: So this "intimate" family gathering is really happening, huh? Lou: Actually, it's getting a little bigger. But Georgie has a really interesting idea for a wedding present. They buy horses off the meat truck and re-home them. She has her heart set on adopting a horse for them. Amy: "Hooves for Hope." I've never heard of it before. Lou: Really? It's local. Amy: Huh. You know, maybe before we give them a cheque, I should drive over and take a look. You should take Georgie with you. (Receding footsteps) Amy: Hey, Georgie? (Approaching footsteps) Georgie: (Sighs heavily) (Door creaks open, Remy pants) Lou tells me that you have a great idea for a wedding present. Yeah, I guess. Amy: See, I've never heard of this "Hooves for Hope" place, so I was thinking of taking a drive out there, checking it out. Do you want to come with me? Maybe later. I've got some stuff to do. That's too bad, 'cause, you know, they might let us see the horses, or maybe even pick one for grandpa and Lisa. (Receding footsteps) (Pencil clatters, hurried footsteps) (Truck door bangs shut, birds chirp) Tim: You here to help me? Ty: Not exactly. Tim: Good. Grab that. Right here. Just... I'm gonna cut these off. So I heard you bumped into Amy at the rodeo grounds. Yeah. (Nail clatters) She was working for Caleb. How come nobody tells me anything? Well, 'cause she's not working for Caleb, she's working for me. Well, I don't see the difference there. The difference is Caleb's not marrying your daughter, I am. Yeah, so you keep saying. Well, you can count on it, Tim, and that means I'm gonna be your son-in-law. So why are you treating Amy like she's working for the enemy? And Caleb, you're his role hero, national all around cowboy. Tim: Yeah. Four years running. I've heard, and so has everybody else. Tim, I gotta tell you straight, okay? You gotta get over it and you gotta stop bugging us. You really wanna be my son-in-law, you gotta toughen up. You think I'm hard on you? I'm cocktails on the beach compared to what you're gonna run into in the horse business. I'm not talking about the horse business. I'm talking about Amy. You've seriously gotta stop making her feel bad about working with us, Tim. All right. Yeah. What the hell. But don't be... Calling me dad. Ty: Don't worry about that. That's never gonna happen... pops. (Foliage crunches underfoot) (Truck rumbles) Georgie: Why are we stopping? Amy: Because this is it, 66 Hawk's Head Road. Georgie: What're you talking about? In the picture, there was a big white barn, and there's no horses. Amy: I know. This is what I was afraid of. Sometimes these Internet things, they aren't what they seem, and it looks like Hooves for Hope might be a scam. You knew it was gonna be like this? No, I didn't know for sure. I... I was trying to help. Georgie: Well, I don't want your help ever again. Amy: Georgie, hold on. Isn't it better to find out now, instead of after you've already given them your money? Georgie, wait! What... I hate you! You ruin everything! (Door bangs shut) (Truck rumbles forward) Amy: Georgie, what is going on with you? Georgie: Nothing! Amy: It's a long walk. Georgie: I don't care. Amy: Look, I'm serious. If you don't get back in the truck now, I'm gonna leave you here. Georgie: I wanna walk. Amy: Okay, fine. But I'm gonna warn you, at the pace you're going you're not gonna make it home before dark. (Truck idles, door opens and bangs shut) Lou: What do you mean, you can't make it? It's grandpa's wedding! Okay, so it's not a real wedding, but you still have to be there. Honey, he's your... grandfather-in-law. (Sighs) Yes, I appreciate that it is a big project and that your career depends on it, but... (door bangs shut) Lou: Georgie? Kate: Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Honey, I'm gonna have to call you back. Yes. Yeah. We'll talk later. Bye. Amy: (Sighs heavily) Lou: What happened? There's no Hooves for Hope, Lou. It's all a fake, and apparently, it's my fault. (Door clicks and creaks open) Lou: You know, you're not the first person to get fooled by some scam website, honey. It's a good thing we were as careful as we were. Georgie: (Sighs) I know it was stupid, but I didn't think it would just be more lies. More lies? You mean like the way that grandpa lied about getting married? Well, that's why he wants to have this party now. I don't even know what you're talking about. Well, then, what is the problem? Georgie: (Sighs) It's hard to explain. Try. You have to promise not to tell Amy. Okay, I promise. What is it? Georgie: Okay, look at this. Lou: Oh, there's Amy. (Party chatter on video) Oh my God! So good to see you. Lisa: Hi! How are you? Amy: Hey. Good. Lisa: Pretty lady. Amy: You know, Lou, I think you were right, this party was a really great idea. Yeah, I guess. Is something wrong? No, of course not. Oh, look, here comes Ty. - Come on, Katie, let's go check on the food. Katie: Okay. Amy: (Laughs) Ty: Hey. Amy: Hey. Wow. You look amazing. So do you. (Chuckles) Where's Caleb? I thought he was coming with you? Oh, he's putting a little extra time in with the horses but he should be here soon. I don't get it. Since you talked to my dad, he's totally backed off. The work's going well, so why the rush? Well, it costs a fortune to board six horses at the rodeo grounds. Well, then why don't you just bring them here? You know, at little extra feed isn't gonna kill us and that'll save me the trip every day. Working for free? Feeding the horses at your own expense? You might be good with horses, but as a businesswoman, you need some work. (Sighs) Yeah, I guess I do, don't I? So, uh, I think that friend you invited is here. You should go talk to him. Okay, okay. But remember, he's not my boyfriend! I know. Georgie: Hi! Stephen: Hey. So I'm glad you could come. Me too. My mom drove me. Cool. (Loud buzz of chatter) Lisa: Oh! Oh, look out, here comes trouble. Val: Jack! Jack: Hi. Val: And Lisa. Lisa: Hi. Jack: I'm uh... I'm glad you could make it, Val. Look at you! The perfect couple. Jack: Yeah. I guess I forgot to mention that... You two are married? Jack: Uh-huh. I wanted to be the first to congratulate you, but it never seemed like the right time. Val? Did you know all along? (Laughs) Oh, please, Jack. Everybody in town told me a least once. Some people told me twice. But then why didn't you say something? Because it was so much fun to watch you tie yourself into knots! (Chuckles) And because it made me happy to imagine that... You might care enough to try to protect me from the truth. Of course I care. (Laughs) Don't you go get sentimental on me, Jack. We might've had our day, but it was a long time ago. (Laughs) (Clinking glass sound) Lou: Um, first of all, I just want to thank everyone for coming out and helping us celebrate Jack and Lisa's marriage... Even though it happened months ago. (Guests laugh) Lou: Seriously, we love you guys. So, let's get this party started. I would like invite my daughter, Georgie, up. She has a special announcement to make. (Guests cheer and clap) Come on, Georgie! Woo! (Guests murmur) Georgie: Later tonight, if you look up at the sky above the barn, you will see a big blurry blob of light called the Andromeda galaxy, also known as the M31, NGC224. In that galaxy, there's a star that used to be called the HD Triple 2 155. But now, it's called the Jack and Lisa star, so that, whenever Jack and Lisa are apart, they can both look up at the same star and know that they'll always be together. (Guests clap and murmur) Lisa: That is so sweet. How did they do that? Lou: Good job. Well... (Kiss) That is a pretty tough act to follow, but it's time for the best man's speech. So, dad, step on up. (Guests clap and cheer) Come on, Tim! Let's hear it, Tim! Tim: Well, I have to be honest, when Jack asked me to be his best man, I thought it was a joke. He asked himself to be the best man! He kinda did. (Amy laughs) Tim: As all of you know, Jack and I have a long history of ups and downs. We first met at the high river rodeo. And even though I was kicking his butt every day, Jack never held a grudge. In fact, when I told him that I was going to marry his daughter, I could tell it was a big deal for him. But that was before everything fell to pieces. It was a rough ride while I was married to Jack's daughter and it was a rougher ride while I was getting divorced from Jack's daughter, so I would have to say that, Jack, you've seen your share of rough rides and heartbreak. Jack lost his wife, Lindy, way too soon, and then a few years later, he lost Marion. But I can say that marrying Lisa is something that... Both Lindy and Marion would have wanted for Jack. It's what we all want for Jack. Everybody says that Jack is the rock of this family... just ask him... (Guests laugh) But I see it differently. Jack needs this family to give him his strength, and we all know he couldn't do it alone. So that's why we're here, to help Lou, and Amy, and Georgie, and Katie celebrate... Celebrate this marriage between Jack and Lisa, and most importantly, to welcome Lisa to the family and into our hearts. To Jack and Lisa. Guests: Jack and Lisa. Ty: To Jack and Lisa. Guests: Cheers! Wow! (Clapping) (Clapping) Over the mountains... Under the stars... Lou: I'll lead. Georgie: Okay. I will love you Lou: Oh, look, there's Stephen. I think he wants to dance with you. No... Lou: Would you like to cut in? Stephen: Uh, yeah. Sure. Lou: (Whispers) Have fun! Georgie: (Whispers) Thanks. Stephen: I was just... That thing you did with the stars, that was pretty cool. Georgie: Thanks. I uh... I found it on the Internet, when I was looking at my astronomy project. (Door closes, music plays outside) Jesse: So, have you thought about it yet? Thought about what? (Laughs) Most people, when you offer them a job as trainer at Briar Ridge, they remember it. Oh. I didn't think you were serious! Okay, well, let's say I was. Let's say you could name your own price. What then? That's a pretty great offer, but I think, either way, my answer is no. (Chuckles) Well, that's too bad, Amy. It could've been a real sweet deal. Let me know if you change your mind though, all right? (Music plays outside, dishes clink) Where you find your strength... Jack: One dance for old times' sake? Val: I thought you'd never ask. Because you found the strength to carry on well, it was... Hey, Georgie, why aren't you dancing with your friend Stephen? Well, I can't dance with him too much, or else everybody will think he's my boyfriend, which he's not. Oh. Well, I'm not much of a dancer, but at least no one will think I'm your boyfriend. No use drowning in your sorrow or being frozen by your fears Georgie: Oopsy! Both: (Laughing) (Door closes) Amy: Hey, Lou. Lou: Oh, Amy. I didn't know you were in here. Is something wrong? Lou: No. Nothing. Just um... (Clears throat) That was some speech dad gave. Yeah, at first I didn't know if it was at a wedding or a funeral. Yeah, me too... By the way, I was thinking we should give a donation to a real animal sanctuary, just so Georgie doesn't think they're all fakes. Yeah. So if you have any suggestions? I doubt she's gonna take any suggestions from me. Ever since our trip to "Hooves for Hope", she's kinda been giving me the cold shoulder. She's... Just kinda going through some... Teenage stuff. Don't worry about it. Okay, Lou, - please explain what's going on? Lou: Nothing. Except... Have you talked to Ahmed lately? (Thrown exhale) Where did that come from? I'm just curious because you haven't really talked about him since you got home, and I... I'm wondering if you guys keep in touch? Um... there's been a few emails, phone calls. What're you getting at? It's just there's... (Exhales) You know what? This isn't really the right time. Lou: Why don't we... Amy: Lou. (Sighs) Okay. What the heck. Come here, I have to show you something. This is not what it looks like! I certainly hope not, Amy. Because it looks like Ahmed either just proposed to you or propositioned you, and either way, you were well on your way to saying yes. I didn't say yes to anything! They gave me a necklace and I said thank you. And that was it! Nothing happened. He kissed you, Amy, and it was more than just a peck on the cheek. Yeah, he kissed me. Once. But that whole time we were on the tour, he was polite, he was formal, he was like he is. And he didn't do anything until that night. And then... Then I told him to back off, that he had crossed a line, and he said he was sorry. And it happened that fast. Honestly? Amy: Lou, it's just my luck that some jerk would be recording the whole thing on his phone. Oh my God, Lou, you can't tell anyone! It might not be that simple, Amy. I mean, it's already out there. But I swear, I won't tell anybody. You know what, Lou? You were right. That was a wedding, it feels much more real now. Shouldn't you two be on a honeymoon someplace exotic? Lisa: (Laughs) Jack: Not sure there's any place I'd rather be right now. Only one thing I regret... I never danced with you at the party. Lisa: (Chuckles) Lou and Jack: (Laugh) I stumbled out of bed this mornin', told myself the sky ain't falling still you won't catch me out there I won't ever learn to live without you I'm too busy thinking about you Ty: Do you need a leg up? Amy: No, I'm fine. Praying a losing man's prayer (Amy exhales) I'm waiting for the healing I'm sick and tired of this feeling nothing changing but the seasons I'm right here where you left me (Pin clatters, picture crumples) I've gotta move on, I know but I can't see just where to go out here in the darkness where you left me (Hooves thud) Wish you'd come back and leave me whole, but maybe it's best that I'm on my own 'cause I don't want you to see me this way (Whoosh, heavy landing thud) Yes! You did it! (Exhales) Good boy. Way to go! I'm waiting for the healing I'm sick and tired of this feeling and nothing changing but the seasons (Ripping) I'm right here where you left me still right here where you left me (Sniffling)

Ty becomes the middleman when Amy and Caleb butt heads over horse training. Reeling from her recent discovery, Georgie pulls away from Amy and focuses on donating money to an online animal sanctuary. She also learns that you can't always believe what you read online. Val's son, Jesse Stanton, comes back to work at Briar Ridge. Lou finds out about the kiss. Jack and Lisa have a wedding reception. Val comes back and her cancer has returned.

fd_Veronica_Mars_01x06

fd_Veronica_Mars_01x06_0

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars Veronica runs up and sees the body of Lilly Kane (from 101 "Pilot") VERONICA VOICEOVER: It's been a year since my best friend Lilly Kane was murdered. Cut to Keith and Veronica watching a news report of the arrest of Abel Koontz (from 101 "Pilot") TV: The Neptune Sheriff's Department HAS apprehended Abel Koontz Shoes and a backpack Cut to Veronica with Keith's file is Lilly's death (from 101 "Pilot") VERONICA VOICEOVER: The Lilly Kane murder file. Dad still has not given up on the case. JAKE: [Offscreen] We went to Lilly and Cut to the Kane residence. Duncan is at the dining table (from 103 "Meet John Smith") JAKE: VERONICA VOICEOVER: Duncan Kane. He used to be my boyfriend. Cut to a long view of the Kane family dinner (from 103 "Meet John Smith"). JAKE: I just want to see him passionate about something. Cut to Veronica sitting in the outside area at school. Logan gives her a gesture, a fist with indexes and little fingers extended (from 102 Credit Where Credit's Due) VERONICA VOICEOVER: And let's not forget Logan Echolls. Cut to Logan smashing the headlights is Veronica's car (from 101 "Pilot") VERONICA VOICEOVER: HAS Every school year obligatory psychotic Cut to Logan In His SUV, flooring it away from Veronica (from 101 "Pilot") VERONICA VOICEOVER: jackass . He's bear. WEEVIL: You think you're Cut to Veronica and Weevil outside his house (from 102 Credit where Credit's Due) WEEVIL: this big outsider, push to shove, you're still one of them. You still think like one of them. End Previously. Gates are opening in front of a large, luxurious house. Logan is coming down the drive on a scooter. He is in a dressing gown. Behind him, his mother, Lynn, also in his nightwear, at the front of the house. TOUR GUIDE: Here folks is the house of Aaron Echolls. Admiring voices can be heard as Logan reaches the gate. He get off his scooter. A "Home of the Stars" type tour bus is outside the gate and people are running toward Logan LOGAN: [Antagonistic] Quite a show, huh? [Looks back at his mother, then to the crowd, derisory] Do not you people have lives? Logan picks up the newspaper LOGAN: You do not see me poking around your trailer park, do you? Logan heads back up the driveway FAN: Hey, uh, uh, are you the sound? LOGAN: [Pausing and turning back to the crowd] I'm the guy telling you to get back on the bus and get out of my driveway. LYNN: [Calling from the house] Logan! Come back in the house, honey. The crowd is excited by the arrival of a large, chauffeur-driven car. Aaron Echolls gets out of the back of the AARON: [Personably] Hey, you guys are out early. One woman asks for an autograph, another call "Hi Harry!" (whoops) and the mobster titters. Aaron heads over to them AARON: [Reaching for the proffered pen and paper] Here. Logan signs some autographs. The fan who asked Logan if he was Aaron's his is taking pictures AARON: [While signing] Hey Logan. Come here. The fans are delighted, Logan less than he tightens the belt to his dressing gown and joins his father AARON: Get a few shots with my son, huh? Aaron takes off his glasses and puts his arm around Logan's shoulder AARON: There you go. [Quietly, to Logan] Smile, Logan. Logan smiles by rote AARON: [Less quietly, so the crowd can appreciate] Do not forget these folks pay for all of this, huh? Aaron beams at the crowd. Cut to Neptune High School. From an external shot, cut to Duncan entering a room where Jake Kane is leafing through some papers. There is a banner on the wall over elections. Jake is carrying a bag on his shoulder DUNCAN: Thanks, Dad. [Taking the bag off his father's shoulder] You know I'm polled the rest of the soccer team? None of them want to see my junk. JAKE: [Turning to face him] Well, now you're covered. Oh, you did not tell me that elections were this week. You should run. I think it would be a very impressive line on your college applications. DUNCAN: Please Dad. All they do is sell candy and argue about prom decorations. JAKE: Right, that's all they do now. [Patting his neck and leaving a hand on his shoulder] Until the reign of Kane. DUNCAN: [Laughs, disbelieving] Dear god! May no one have just heard him say reign of Kane. Cut to Veronica and Wallace having lunch VERONICA: So, my dad wants to take me to the San Diego Zoo this weekend. WALLACE: Aw, man, I love the zoo. Everyone gets excited about the monkey house. I'm a big cat man myself. VERONICA: My dad's gone a little nutty with all these father-daughter days. WALLACE: Yeah, I would like to go to the zoo with my dad. VERONICA: Wallace, don't WALLACE: But he's dead, so. VERONICA: Okay. I hate myself. Are you happy? WALLACE: Um-hum. Wallace smiles and laughs softly. He looks up at the sound of a whistle. Veronica looks round. The camera pans round to a girl coming out of the school. This is Wanda. Her T-shirt says "s*x & Drugs" and "Rock-n-Roll" WANDA: Yo! Man! Over here. Wanda beckons someone, someone who is delivering food. She takes the bag and pays him WANDA: Keep the change. As for the delivery man leaves, a blonde cheerleader, carrying two boxes of delivered pizza and who we will learn Madison Sinclair, walks up to Wanda, hand on hip and gets into her face MADISON: You're not allowed delivery. WANDA: And you're not allowed to breathe my air. Go. Shoo [with gesture]. Return to Xanadu. Madison is at the back of the road. Madison to stand behind Ms Dent, who is talking to someone. Madison, rather imperiously, Ms Dent on the shoulder taps MADISON: Wanda Varner just had her food delivered. MS DENT: [Slowly, staring at the pizza boxes] And that's wrong how? MADISON: She does not have any Pirate Points. [On Ms Dent's incomprehension] Oh, I see. You're new. MS DENT: [Indulgent of the rudeness] I am. MADISON: Pirate points are earned by being a contributing member of the school. MS DENT : [Glancing at the outfit] Cheerleading? MADISON: [Obnoxiously] Is a sport. [Spotting a more likely ally] Oh, Mr Clemmons! Madison leaves Ms Dent standing and heads for Vice Principal MADISON: Mr Clemmons. Wanda Varner ordered in Chinese food. Mr Clemmons does not understand the nature of Wanda's actions as he and Madison stare in his direction. Cut to Wanda who is sitting with Felix, eating her Chinese food. She's laughing at something he's said. Clemmons approaches, Ms Dent in tow CLEMMONS: Wanda, I know you know the rules. If you'd like having your lunch delivered, why do not you get more involved here at Neptune. Wanda snorts derisively CLEMMONS: In the meantime, I'll have to confiscate your food. Wanda boils for a moment then springs up, has determined look on her face. She walked past Clemmons and Ms Dent toward Madison's table. Madison : Oh, you little bitch! Without pausing, and with the encouragement of onlookers, she steps onto the seat and the table, planting one foot in one pizza and one foot in the other WANDA: Oh, really? CLEMMONS: Wanda! Be so kind to follow me to my office. Wanda jumps off the table to follow Clemmons. Madison stares, mouth agape. The camera spins back to Wallace and Veronica, watching the show WALLACE: Who is that girl? VERONICA: That? Is Wanda Varner. Used to be in pep squad together. WALLACE: You two seem less peppy. Veronica smiles and snorts. Cut to a can of whipped cream being applied to the contents of a bowl. Keith enters the apartment just as can empties. The television is on the faint sound of its audio can be heard KEITH: Hmm, all out, huh? Veronica adds chocolate sauce to her confection. Keith tiredly collapses into his armchair with a load sigh VERONICA: Tough day? KEITH: [Philip Marlowe impersonation] That's not the half of it. See, this lady walks in and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man. VERONICA: [Adopting similar old movie black voice] D'ya put the screws to him? KEITH: You are not kidding. He's blood like a canary. Veronica is just finishing off her sundae VERONICA: [Normal voice] Well, you're in luck, Philip Marlowe because it's a desert for dinner tonight and I've got a whole thing here. KEITH: You know if Child Services Finds Out This, They Will Take You Away. VERONICA: Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take. Veronica downs a wide spoonful of her sundae KEITH: Honey. Should you try something at the base of the pyramid food, you know, fruits and vegetables? Veronica looks down into her bowl and gasps VERONICA: What is that? [Picking it out with her spoon] A maraschino cherry? She looks over her father, quite satisfied, pops it in her mouth and heads for the armchair into which she sits, leaving her father standing. He sighs and hits the trail sundae TV: [Offscreen] The Lilly Kane murder case This catches Veronica's care and she watches the TV TV: Took an unexpected turn this morning as Abel Koontz fired Convicted Killer His public appointed legal council. Forfeiting further appeals, the defendant is scheduled to die by lethal injection as early as next year As the commentator speaks, there is evidence of being arrested and brought in by Sheriff Lamb. There is a close-up of the bag in his left hand. In it, there is a pair of white sneakers, decorated with sparkles along the edge and wide laces of ribbon, pinks stars on white. On one of the shoes is drawn a heart with a name inside TV: [Offscreen] And, coming up n Keith, Who has come to stand next to Veronica During the broadcast, switches the TV off with the remote control. He's going back to the kitchen VERONICA: Why did he do that? KEITH: Guess he's ready to die. VERONICA: Well, what are you going to do about it? You do not believe he's guilty KEITH: I hate to break it to you, honey. But nobody in Neptune cares what I believe in. They did not care when I was Sheriff, they sure did not care. This town's gonna have to find another conspiracy nut. Veronica puts down her desert with a worried look. Cut to Veronica entering her green-tinged bedroom. She walks over to her jewelery box LILLY: [Offscreen] Check you out, Veronica Mars. Veronica looks around, surprised. Lilly is standing in front of Veronica's wardrobe, holding a hanger with black garment on it LILLY: You're like a rocker chick now. Lilly : [Offscreen] You and I? We'd have a lot of fun together Cut,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, VERONICA: Why are you here? LILLY: Do not you watch any horror movies? [Ominously] Veronica : Really? LILLY: [Back to normal] Yeah, that, and kind of a side project, I dispense fashion advice. Lilly grins VERONICA: [Earnestly] Did Koontz do it? Lilly sucks LILLY: Wish I could tell ya. She shrugs VERONICA: Why would he have to kill you? LILLY: Honestly. I was awesome, right? VERONICA: [Smiling sadly] I miss you, Lilly. With a cross between an "ooh" and an "aww", Lilly smiles and shrugs sympathetically. Veronica wakes up from her dream, a sad yet thoughtful look on her face. Cut to the journalism class. Veronica is dark, seated at the large central desk. The Neptune High School broadcasting service is on TV: [Offscreen] So let's get you there and cheer on our teams in the last game of the regular season. In other Pirate news, school council elections MS DENT: Morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you're interested in covering up for the student newspaper. VERONICA: Sure. I'll write it up this afternoon. MS DENT: The election's tomorrow. VERONICA: And I can already see the headline. Brown-nosing, resume-packer wins in a landslide. MS DENT: Maybe you wanna dig a little bit deeper. VERONICA: I'll take it. Ms Dent nods and exits. The announcer on Pirate TV is still droning on TV: This morning, we'll be hearing from our first hopeful for the office of President, sophomore Wanda Verner. Duncan and Logan are sitting next to each other at the table. They glance up at the TV WANDA: I'm Wanda Varner and I'm running for the office of student council president. Duncan turns to listen more carefully. Logan follows follows WANDA: Let's be honest. Student government does not do jack. Cut to the art room where one of the students starts to pay attention WANDA: I'm here to promise you real change. If elected, I bet to abolish the unfair and elitist Pirate Points program for good. In the computer room, the geeks cheer Wanda: God bless you and God bless America. Wanda salutes. The geeks clap as do the artists as do some of those in the journalism class. Veronica smiles broadly. Duncan is the last one left slowly clapping and he tails off. Behind him, Logan is less enthused. Duncan on the arm LOGAN: Hey dude. Can she do that? DUNCAN: giveth student councilor, student council taketh away. LOGAN: No, we're not giving up those points, man, you gotta run. DUNCAN: Actually, I do not. Duncan turns back to his computer when he was playing solitaire. Logan stares at him. Cut to Corny unfurling a large poster. It is a skeleton Uncle Sam who advises: Give me Wanda or give me death CORNY: Hey Wanda, check it out. WANDA: Killer. Thanks. Wanda is sitting with Veronica on a low wall in the outside area of the school. Veronica is interviewing Wanda, using a small recorder VERONICA: One of your campaign staff? WANDA: I'm all about grass roots. VERONICA: How do you account for your sudden popularity? WANDA: Is not it obvious? It's class warfare, the haves versus the have-nots. You should understand that at school. VERONICA: But it's more quotable if you say it out loud. WANDA: Okay. The rich kids, they run things around here. They're the minority and they're corrupt. They get away with murder. A student passing behind them shouts his support RODNEY: Hey, give 'em hell, Wanda! WANDA: You give 'em hell, Rodney! [Returning her attention to the interview] Pirate Points are just another way they reward themselves for so swell. They have all the power, we are the disenfranchised [with increasing stridence] but only because we let ourselves be. It's time to take action! Veronica is impressed WANDA: How was that? Was I quotable? VERONICA: Yeah, I think I can find something there. Veronica smiles. Note that there is no mention of the usual opening credits or theme song in this episode. Cut to logan's car pulling into a petrol station. The music is "Still In Love Song" by the Stills. SONG: When we were lovers We were kissers We were holders of hands make believers We were losing time and You Just Said you'd rather live in tepee land Dick Casablancas and two other 09ers get out of the car and head into the station while turns off the ignition. He gets partially out, standing on the running board LOGAN: Hey! Hook me up with a beverage, huh? As Logan exits the bus and walks round it to get to the pump, a beefy black guy walks towards his windscreen HOMELESS VET: And what goes with an icy, cold beverage? A nice clean windshield. LOGAN: No, you do not have to do that. The man sprays the windscreen and starts cleaning it Logan gets the pump LOGAN: The car was just professionally detailed. HOMELESS VET: Ah, they got a lot of nerve calling themselves professionals. The man wipes the squeegee onto a clothe and shows Logan the dirt HOMELESS VET: Look at that. They just move the dirt around. LOGAN: Man, A for effort but, uh, you're not getting paid for it. HOMELESS VET: I do not remember asking. The man turns to the sign behind him who says: Homeless Vet. Accepted donations. Logan just nods. Dick comes back to the car by Logan who is still filling it. They both watch the man LOGAN: Hey, what about him? DICK: Pretty well fed for a bum. LOGAN: Yeah. Logan finished filling the tank LOGAN: [To the man] Hey, you army? HOMELESS VET: Hell, no. United States Marine Corps. LOGAN: That's even better, huh. LOGAN: What are you? Logan giggles and walks back LOGAN: What are you? About 240? HOMELESS VET: Uh, in my prime. LOGAN: Yeah? [Hey, I'm, uh, I'm putting together a little amateur boxing night. If you're interested. Logan has a $ 100 bill which he sticks into a frame of the open window. The 09ers get into the car HOMELESS VET: What do you want me to fight? LOGAN: No, man. I want you to win. HOMELESS VET: What do you think that you'd just come in here and buy me like that? Is that how it is? LOGAN: Yeah, that's exactly how it's. I think we're on the same page. HOMELESS VET: Get out of my face. Before I beat your ass for free. LOGAN: All right, you follow yourself. [Accompanied by the appropriate squeegee actions] Chhu-chhu. [Grabbing the bill] You have a nice day. Logan smirks at the man, starts the car and drives off. Cut to Neptune TV where one of the candidates is doing her thing TV: And in conclusion, I promise to uphold the duties of presidency to the utmost of my ability. Thank you. Cut to the students in the journalism class, listening to the broadcast. Veronica and Duncan are there, seated at the central table along with a punk rocker. Logan is standing next to him at the end of the table PUNK ROCKER: Wanda's gonna blow this chick out of the water. [To Logan] You can kiss your precious Pirate Points goodbye. Logan does not respond but keeps his eyes fixed on television AARON: [Offscreen] Duncan Kane. On the TV, Duncan's name in superimposed on an American flag. Military music belts out AARON: [Offscreen] A natural leader. Duncan looks at the screen, seems vaguely and reacts in his familiar way DUNCAN: What? AARON: [Offscreen] Two time All League Soccer. Editor of the Neptune Navigator. Duncan Kicking a Football; Duncan presiding over a group of students around the central journalism class table. Camera switches to Ms Dent who looks over at him. Duncan breathes out and slowly turns his head to look at Logan AARON: [Offscreen] Three point nine two four grade point average. AARON: [Offscreen] National Honor Society. Logan is exceptionally pleased with himself and holds up both hands . National Merit semi-finalists Cut to Veronica who just looks incredulous AARON: [Offscreen] and all around, righteous dude. Aaron's picture of the dude with two other guys AARON: Hi. I'm Aaron Echolls. [There are gasps among the watchers] And I've known Duncan Kane for a long time. He's the real deal. Duncan Kane for student body President. LOGAN: [High voice] That's my dad. Logan LOGAN: All right! Some pat Duncan, who just looks serious and maybe a little pissed and throw out congratulations and messages wishing luck MS DENT : That's the last of the five candidates. Madison struts into the classroom and hands to a sheet of paper to Ms Dent MADISON: Good luck, Duncan. Veronica watches this with increasing distaste MS DENT: Mark the letter of the corresponding candidate. Only one bubble will be counted. If none of the candidates receive a majority the top will be entered into a runoff election. Duncan shoots up from his seat DUNCAN: [Sincerely] Please, whatever you do, just do not vote for me. Duncan glares at Logan who is not slow to take an opportunity LOGAN: Did you hear that folks? He's humble to boot. God! This guy. Ms Dent puts up: A) Duncan Kane B) Veronica Wanda Varner firmly marks her ballot paper at the B bubble. Cut to late, at Mars Investigations. Veronica is working on the laptop in the outer office. All the lights are out for the lamp on her desk VERONICA VOICEOVER: If Lilly's ghost is going to be served, then I get my ass in gear. VERONICA: Where to begin? Quotes: Abel Koontz, Jake Kane, Celeste Kane, and Logan Echolls Veronica Voiceover: How about the obvious? Abel Koontz was founded by Abel Koontz , a picture of him, on the file and on expanding it, there are four tabs: information, alibi, motive and evidence [SCENE_BREAK] She highlights the evidence of "Confession" Shoes, backpack, bloody clothing at home VERONICA VOICEOVER: He gave a confession on the spot. But Dad was convinced that the mystery of the mystery of the family was in order. The three people were at the scene of the crime before he arrived. Jake Kane, beloved billionaire, Celeste Kane, renowned philanthropist Veronica pauses then clicks on a symbol, allowing her to add a new VERONICA VOICEOVER file : [Typing] and Duncan. Each of the Kanes alibis was airtight. That is, until the day of death. Veronica ponders then looks in the direction of her father's office. Cut to Veronica's hands on the safe combination. She opens the safe VERONICA VOICEOVER: I do not know what I'm looking for. But if there are any Lilly, then they're in Dad's safe. Veronica takes a little bit of stuff with smaller ones and pulls out of the smaller ones out. A time pass effect blows to other files VERONICA VOICEOVER: Arrest record, evidence log, autopsy postponement. How many times to I look at this stuff. Until it starts making sense. Cut to an overhead view of Veronica studying the files. Cut to a ring made up of cars parked in a circle, bed by the headlights. The music is the Red Onions' "Feeling Alright". Logan is master of ceremonies in the middle. There's a crowd of 09ers cheering throughout LOGAN: [Shouting] All right, all right, all right! It's time for the main event. [Louder cheers] Gentlemen! In the red corner [holding up the red-gloved fighter] hailing from Balfour Port is Mighty Mike. And in the blue corner, hometown hero Logan leans over closer to the homeless man LOGAN: [Quietly] What's your name? HOMELESS FIGHTER: Robbo Roth [? Uncertain?] LOGAN: [Shouting] Robbo Roth [? Uncertain?]. Cheering especially loudly is Dick who has a fistful of cash LOGAN: All right, gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Go! The two men, unsteady on their feet, start to circle each other. The crowd urges them on. Cut back to Veronica. She puts a file on the big file and rummages a little more. She pulls out an envelope marked: Crime Photographs. Lillian Kane. DOD. BBZ. Crime No A-97-92184xx. 10.03.03. Case 18900-C2. Bedroom VERONICA VOICEOVER: Where did this come from? Veronica opens the envelope and looks at the crime scene. Something catches her eye and she bends to examine it more closely. VERONICA: It's impossible! It's Lilly's white sneakers with the heart Veronica hears a door slam. She hurriedly puts everything except the pictures back in the large file, stuffs it back into the safe and rushes to the outer office. She slams shut her laptop. She just gets the pictures when Keith walks in, she is a little out of breath KEITH: Hey. VERONICA Hey, Dad. Keith walks to his office as he goes in. Cut to High Neptune, the outside eating area. Veronica and Wallace are eating their lunch. On the 09ers table, they are eating take-out, including Duncan and Logan VERONICA: [Offscreen] In a way, it's a little sad. You know, the end of an era. Wanda wins and no more Pirate Points. No more lunch delivery. CLEMMONS: [Over the public address system] Attention students. The results of the election have been tabulated. There will be no runoff votes in any of the races. DUNCAN: [Relieved] Thank god. CLEMMONS: The winner in the office of secretary, Bryan Gibson. A lot of the students have started to sing "Wanda". Logan looks around smugly CLEMMONS: Vice President, Katie Keenan. And it gives me great pleasure to announce, the 2004-2005 SCA President, Duncan Kane. There are some cheers and a lot of boos. Logan stands on the table to gloat LOGAN: That's how it's done! Corny, sitting next to a disappointed Wanda, is stunned CORNY: That's a steaming crock, Clemmons. WALLACE: There's no way Duncan Kane VERONICA: Now I've got a story. Cut to Veronica knocking on a classroom door. She opens it and goes inside. Veronica: Mrs. Donaldson, did you get my message? The room is empty save for a teacher sitting at her desk, marking papers, at the far end of the room MS DONALDSON: About inspecting the ballots. VERONICA: And? MS DONALDSON: My short answer? No. [Officious] My long answer would not be enough, but it does not mean the outcome. VERONICA: The Student Charter says it is possible to lodge a formal protest. Veronica goes into her bag and pulls out the Charter MS DONALDSON: Which this is not. And if you had to read article 15 concerning student council elections; You would know that the votes have been certified, a faculty sponsor must approve any request for a recount. VERONICA: That's it? So I need to rubberstamp this? Mrs Donaldson looks up, a little alarmed. Cut to Veronica and Ms Dent coming down the school hallway VERONICA: I think it's really cool That You're doing this. MS DENT: Oh, I'm happy to help, Veronica. I just find it difficult to believe that someone would try and tamper with the student council election. VERONICA: Well, you're new. MS DENT: [Laughs] No one will let me forget it. All I'm saying is I admire your enthusiasm just don ' VERONICA: Fair and balanced, that's me. They meet Mrs Donaldson in the hallway VERONICA: As promised, one faculty sponsor. MS DONALDSON: I'd like to speak with Ms Dent for a moment please. The two teachers move over to the MS DONALDSON: I can not believe you'd let her rope you into this. MS DENT: I'm sorry. MS DONALDSON: Look, Mallory. I've never heard of anything like this happening in a student election. MS DENT: Is there really any harm Veronica double checking the votes. MS DONALDSON: Well that's not the point. She's manipulating you. And I'd like to give you the chance to reconsider. MS DENT: I tell my students to be dogged. I tell them to follow hunches. MS DONALDSON: [Condescendingly] All great. Certainly not telling you how to teach your class. But this is a student election and, um, I'm just giving you this go. For your own good. MS DENT: I've signed the form, the request is official. [Shrugs] We'll see those ballots now. They look over at Veronica, who smiles. Cut to a nerd machine. Wallace is feeding the machine. He is in the school with Veronica and Wanda. The machine finishes VERONICA: What'd you get? WALLACE: Duncan still wins with 743 votes. How many times are we going to run it? VERONICA: No sign of anyone erasing nerds. No ballots missing. [Considering one ballot paper] Hey. Student 43059. Who the hell is the candidate E and why did you vote for her? WALLACE: You think I'm not voting for the sister? And for what possible reason do you have my student ID number memorized? Mrs Donaldson Enters from one of the inner offices MS DONALDSON: [Supercilious] You can toss Those ballots in the recycle bin When You're done uncovering [Makes air quotes] corruption. She smugly saunters out. Veronica and Wanda exchange a glance then Veronica returns to the ballot papers VERONICA: What? WANDA: What is it? VERONICA: Well if "Wanda rulez" why'd you vote for Duncan, you head case? I wanna find out who this kid is and what art room he voted in. She passes the ballot to an offended WALLACE Wallace : Yeah, and I want a statue of myself in the lobby lobby, holding a musket, staring down danger. Veronica and Wanda exchange WALLACE: Since we are talking about stuff we want. VERONICA: [Smiles sweetly] Please? WALLACE: How hard was that? Wallace goes over to one of the office computers and taps in the student ID number WALLACE: Kevin Carney. He's got art first period. Cut to an art room. Veronica enters and checks the teacher's desk and the rubbish bin. She walks over to the blackboard and sees the fifth name on the ballot. The other names are obscured by a pull down. She is a jumper and is a jumper, a) Wanda Varner B) Duncan Kane C) Laura Hildebrand D) Steve Whacker E) Melissa Lewis Comprehension. Cut to Clemmons office. Clemmons sits at his desk. Mrs Donaldson and Ms Dent are also there MS DONALDSON: Well you saw the voting cards yourself. You certified the count. There's nothing left to argue, it's over. VERONICA: Someone cheated. MS DONALDSON: How? VERONICA: There were two sets of ballot instructions. MS DONALDSON: That simply does not make any sense. VERONICA: Yes, it does. It makes perfect sense. [Offscreen on going to shot of Ms Dent writing the names on the blackboard] The classes heavily populated with 09er kids got the candidates names in the correct order. The classes that Wanda would have - band, autoshop, art - got the list with the candidates names reversed. When these students thought they were voting for Wanda, they actually gave their votes to Duncan. MS DONALDSON: You do not really expect us to believe this. MS DENT: We've invited the students from first period art. We could always ask them to review their bales. She opens the door and has a large group of students stare in CLEMMONS: Hold on. Clemmons gestures for Ms Dent to shut the door CLEMMONS: Veronica. Exactly who do you accuse of doing this? VERONICA: I'm not accusing anybody. Then again Cut to the VERONICA photocopy machine : [Offscreen] It would not be hard to find out which code was punched into the copy that made the bundle instructions. MS DONALDSON: I had my student help make them. VERONICA: And that would be who? Cut to the photocopy machines and Madison's look of satisfaction MS DONALDSON: [Offscreen] Madison Sinclair. VERONICA: Well there you go. Mystery solved. Clemmons ponders, then looks up at Mrs Donaldson who, for the first time, is not smug. Cut to a busy school hallway. Clemmons' voice rings out through the school through the public address system CLEMMONS: Attention students. May I have your attention please? The students pause to listen. Cut to Clemmons CLEMMONS: I regret to inform you that it has been a mistake in tabulating the election results. Back in the hallway, Veronica threads her way through the motionless crowd. She eventually reaches Madison, at her locker CLEMMONS: There will be a runoff election Thursday between Wanda Varner and Duncan Kane. VERONICA: [Cheerfully] Hi Madison. I heard you lost your student and help your student council spot. If you want to make a recommendation, Fridays, ee-uh, and Sloppy Joes are your best bet. Veronica tsks and walks away, leaving Madison glaring after her. Cut to Veronica's room. She scanning in the crime szene pictures into her laptop VERONICA VOICEOVER: I've been waiting for a moment alone to take a closer look at the photo of Lilly's bedroom on the night of her murder. The last thing I need to be Dad popping his head in and discovering that I've been poaching from his safe. Veronica enlarges an area of the photos. Lilly's white sneakers with the heart. This achievement sends Veronica into a flashback. Lilly and Logan are talking softy in the cafeteria outdoor cafeteria, all lovey-dovey. Lilly has her leg slightly extended. LILLY: All right, when do I get to do yours? Veronica, drawing the heart on Lilly 's sneaker VERONICA: Finishing touches. LOGAN: [Offscreen] Duncan? LILLY: Oh, yeah, now that's just creepy. The camera cuts back to the enlarged picture on Veronica's laptop. Veronica, visibly shaken, stretches over, phone and dials TELEPHONE: Action News. This is Hank. VERONICA: Hey. I'm a student from Neptune High and I'm doing a follow up story on Abel Koontz. I'm wondering if you could send me a copy of the piece you did on Koontz a couple days ago. Cut to a Mexican roadside burger bar. Jake and Duncan are sitting in Jake's car, finishing off some food JAKE: Do you know your mother? DUNCAN: Agreed. JAKE: What do you say we, uh, stop on the way home, knock out some, uh, campaign bumper stickers. DUNCAN: When you say we mean you JAKE : I mean, we're going to talk to some of my guys. Duncan is not enthusiastic JAKE: Oh, come on, Dunc. Look what you have done and you are not even trying. Imagine what you'd be able to do if you just put your heart into it. DUNCAN: Cue inspirational music here. JAKE: I'm so tired of your cynicism. DUNCAN: Oh, Dad, I'm sorry, I mean, I mean, you know, that's what I think it's about to get out of my house. JAKE: Well, I got news for ya. I'm not concerned about this election, I just want to see you Enthusiastic about something. Duncan does not respond JAKE: Look. Your happiness. Is all I've ever wanted. Father and son stare at each other. Then Duncan gives a little chuckle DUNCAN: Well what if I find happiness living in a grass hut, carving driftwood figurines for tourists? JAKE: I feel confident you have greater ambitions than that. But, if you're, uh, happy and committed to driftwood carving, be the best driftwood carver you can be. After you've graduated from Stamford, [Duncan groans and nods] Law School, [Duncan chuckles] Suma cum laudi [Duncan laughs out loud]. See that! You're already smiling. And he is. Cut to school. Veronica rounds a corner and hears something of a hubbub as students, and now Veronica, see that Wanda's posters have been defaced. The word "NARC" has been sprayed on them. Kane bumper sticker on it. She's going to the opposite lockers where Wanda is just closing hers. It has been marked " [SCENE_BREAK] WANDA: I think the opposite campaign just went negative. [Slamming her locker shut] I'm gonna kill whoever did this! VERONICA: They're just posters. You still own the message. WANDA: They're not just posters. They spray painted "Narc" on the hood of my car. VERONICA: You know they only thing the word "narc" because it would hit your home with your constituency. WANDA: I should not find that comforting. Goal I do. VERONICA: Well, why do not you come out tonight and we'll make new posters. [With growing, fake, enthusiasm] And I'll get some puppy paint and an Avril Lavigne CD and it'll be just like our pep squad days. Wanda plays along and claps WANDA: Awesome. She strikes a perky pose with hands on hips, straight out of "Bring It On". Veronica laughs and then gets very serious VERONICA: Okay, do not do that. Cut to the journalism room where Duncan sits at the central desk looking at some clippings. He glances over to where we will see that Logan is sitting at one of the computers. Veronica enters and heads straight for Logan VERONICA: Bravo, Logan. It's a new low. And just when the critics were having some doubts. Logan looks over towards Duncan, then back at Veronica LOGAN: Mmm. Must be talking about your, uh, narc friend, WWW-Wanda. [Laughs] Well, that's another bad guy. [Off Veronica's hard look, and maybe seriously, maybe not] Look, I just don't'have time to be responsible for every little thing that goes wrong in your life. He laughs again and gets up from his chair for the other side of the room. Veronica turns to Duncan VERONICA: So, was it your idea or did you just play it your usual way? Veronica crouches by the desk DUNCAN: What's my usual way? VERONICA: Oh, you know, Duncan. You do not initiate trouble. You do not initiate much of anything anymore. She takes a deep breath DUNCAN: Do not stop there, Veronica. Say it. What's my usual way? VERONICA: [With deliberation on each word] You stand idly by. Duncan just stares at her. After a break, Veronica gets up and heads to the other side of the desk, leaving Duncan lost in his thoughts. In the meantime, Dick has come into the classroom and approached Logan DICK: Gotta check out "The Smoking Gun" website. MS DENT: Excuse me, we're in the middle of a class here. DICK: Dude, you're famous. Dick exits. Logan heads for one of the computers. From the Neptune High School (Neptune High School) The Neptune High School (Neptune High School), Neptune High School, Neptune High School, Neptune High School, Neptune High School, Neptune High School The area is dominated by the local Universities and Adjunct Research and Development Colleges of the United States and the United States. ice creams captioned: The Pirate Points To Hold The Pirate Points Holders On The "The Gun Gun" website, the featured document shows a picture of Aaron. Aaron Echolls his caught bruising bums for cash. October 23 - In twisted and horrific brutality Aaron Echolls sound, Logan Echolls, has been participating in organized fights. The only catch is, the fighters are homeless men. A tip to TSG for a video tape shot by a spectator. Logan smiling and cheering at the battle. No word as of yet from Aaron's publicist for comment on the matter. But we are sure the Echolls' household is none too pleased with this barbarity and tarnishing their Hollywood perfection. Click to View Video. * Caution * Contains Graphic Images. The video shows Mighty Mike kicking the stuffing out of the other guy Logan clapping and cheering. As he watches, he looks in his face, he is in deep, deep trouble. Cut to Veronica's room. Fresh Wanda posters are everywhere. Veronica is lying down on her bed, being raised on her elbows doing her fingernails and is sitting on the floor doing her toenails WANDA: So, what's the story with you and Weevil? VERONICA: Weevil? There's no story. Why? WANDA: No reason. Lilly's bad boy thing. But I guess I was wrong. VERONICA: Lilly had more of a boy thing. WANDA: Are you sure? Lilly and Weevil never, because I heard- VERONICA: [Laughing] Never! WANDA: Okay. Wanda picks a book off the floor, about making it into top colleges WANDA: So. Is this one any good? VERONICA: Umm, I, uh, I do not know, I have not read it. WANDA: Yeah. Most of these college guys are pretty unreadable. So what's your first choice? Ivy? Baby Ivys? Seven Sisters? Liberal Arts? East Coast? VERONICA: It gives me a panic attack to just think about it. WANDA: Yeah. I really want to go to Williams. Now all of a sudden the SATs. VERONICA: I think we're in the same boat. Cut to the Echolls' residence. It is dark and logan is carrying his shoes, coming in quickly but quietly. To no avail LOGAN: Hey, Dad. Aaron is across the room, sitting in the dark. Logan gives an uncomfortable grin which fades and he is clearly nervous LOGAN: What are you doing up? AARON: I could not sleep. What with the phone ringing every five minutes. "Access Hollywood", [Rising from his seat] "Entertainment Tonight", "Walking inexorably towards an increasingly wary Logan" "E". Any guesses what they wanted to talk about? My charity work? No. My latest Christmas movie? No. Aaron reaches Logan and plants a hand, heavily, on the back of Logan's shoulder. He turns to his arm around Logan AARON: They wanted to talk about my son's latest opus. "Skid Row Boxing". Aaron bends his arm on his back. His tone throughout has been steady, but menacing. Logan puts his hand to his eyes LOGAN: Look, Dad, I, uh I did not know what - Aaron grasps the back of Logan's neck hard AARON: [Dangerously soft] I have to say that your performance was really impressive. [Louder] The way you play the ungrateful his determined to humiliate his father was [shouting] utterly impressive. With that, Aaron flings Logan across the room. Logan lands face down on a sofa and scrabbles round his face, still half-lying across it. Logan's expression is caught between fear and readiness AARON: [Shouting] Do you have any idea what you just cost this family? [Taking it down a few notches] Of course you do not. You never had to work for anything in your life. [Softly] Well, tomorrow, after school, you're going to get your first lesson in public relations. A look of disappointment seems to flit across Logan's face AARON: [Almost whispering] Logan. Do not you ever embarrass me again. Aaron walks away. Logan watches him as he steadies his breathing and pulls himself into a sitting position, almost defiant but very shaken. Cut to the outside of the Neptune High. Veronica is encouraging passing students VERONICA: Vote for Wanda. [On him] Weevil. [Holding out a "Go Wanda" sticker] Put one on the back of your bike? WEEVIL: Naw. I'm not going to vote for that narc. VERONICA: Come on, Weevil. You know better than to believe everything you hear at this school, that's just dirty politics. WEEVIL: You might want to explain that to Felix. Somehow the Sheriff found out that the "Welcome to Neptune" signs are hanging up in his bedroom, a week after he hooks up with your Wanda girl. Now how did that happen, huh? Now homeboy's got four weekends of highway clean up. Weevil raises his eyebrows, turns and walks into the school. Veronica is thoughtful. Cut to the hallway. Veronica catches up with Wanda VERONICA: Hey, superstar. Are you nervous? WANDA: I'm so embarrassed but yes. VERONICA: Well, I think we should celebrate this weekend. Win or lose. I heard about this rave out in the desert. And we can make it if we leave directly after school tomorrow. WANDA: Bitchin '. I'll tell my mom I'm spending the night at your place. VERONICA: Provisions? With a capital E, absolutely. But I know a guy. WANDA: Oh, jealous. Wish I knew a guy. Wanda wanders off. Cut to journalism class. Veronica takes her seat at the large table in the center as a student hands in her work STUDENT: Here you go, Ms Dent. The television comes on Clemmons broadcasts. Duncan is at his place in the office of CLEMMONS: We will be voting simultaneously to prevent confusion. By now everyone should have their scantron nerds. The art room is ready CLEMMONS: All right. Here goes. If you'd like to vote for Duncan Kane, mark "A" Veronica's pencil hovers over the ballot form CLEMMONS: and if you'd like to vote for Wanda Varner, mark "B". VERONICA VOICEOVER: Let's see. On the one hand, we have the hot cold ex-boyfriend and heir to the status quo. On the other, the potential duplicitous new friend and champion to the disenfranchised. Veronica flashes back to a scene in the school outdoor cafeteria. Duncan is playing with his hand, Logan and Lilly are opposite and at the table. A boy at the place LOGAN: [To his own group] Wanna hang out? And I'll impress you with my diving skills. Logan looks at the newcomer and then at Duncan who just raises a quizzical brow LILLY: Oh, did you hear that Becky Lacey is trying out for mascot? DUNCAN: Really. Dick in the meantime has unceremoniously grabbed the newcomer's tray and place it on the next table. He slaps the newcomer on the back DICK: Table's ready. Lucky looks at Dick and the scared newcomer, Logan looks at Duncan DUNCAN: You know what, man? Duncan twists round In His seat and gets the tray and places it back in front of _him_ DUNCAN: You're fine Where You Are. Dick, here, can find his own spot. Duncan returns to playing with the hand of an impressed, if drippy, Veronica. Modern day Veronica sweeps back, Duncan staring over, pencil still poised. Cut to Aaron filling his car with petrol. His cell phone rings AARON: Yeah. [Listens] I know I'm late Marty. Look, is this the closest homeless shelter you could find? Logan is sitting in the passenger seat AARON: No. Never mind. Are the cameras ready. Good. Aaron finishes his call and filling the tank AARON: All right. Now this is how this is gonna work. They're gonna get a few shots of you volunteering at the kitchen, then I'm gonna join you for an interview with the TV crews, you got it? LOGAN: What do you want me to tell them? AARON: What do you think, Logan? That you're sorry. That you're bone-headed. And that ya screwed up. I'll take care of the rest. Aaron's cell phone rings again. Logan listens in AARON: Vince! What's happening? [Listens] Yeah, I got the script. I've seen better writing on cereal boxes. [Listens, guffaws] Oh, big deal. The man has not made a watchable movie since the seventies. Are they gonna meet my quote? [Listens] Hot damn! Aaron holds the phone to his chest to speak to Logan AARON: Sound! How do you argue with eight figures? [Logan nods] Ya can not. Can not be done. Aaron giggles and returns to his call AARON: Okay. Have 'em to draw up the contract. HOMELESS VET: [Offscreen] Hey. [Coming into view on Logan's side of the bus] It's Don King. Hey, you got some sucker who's willing to make a bitch outta hisself for cash? Logan does not respond and walks away, not disguising his disgust. Aaron, sunglasses on, AARON: All right. You ready to do this? LOGAN: Yeah. Aaron switches on the engine of sports and turns on the stereo. The intro to America's "Ventura Highway" plays. He drives out of the station, Logan stares at him with an expression bordering on hate. Cut to the homeless shelter. The first part of the song plays under the action SONG: Chewing on a piece of grass Walking down the road Tell me, how long do you gonna stay here Joe? Some people say this town do not look Good in snow You do not care, I know Waitin 'on a falling star Watchin' for the early train Sorry boy, but I've been hit by Purple rain Aw, come on Joe, you can always Change your name Thanks a lot, just the same Wishin 'we're a star Watchin' for the early train Sorry boy, but I've been hit by Purple rain Aw, come on Joe, you can always Change your name Thanks a lot, just the same Logan is one of three helpers dishing up food. Cameras flash as he reserves one of the homeless HOMELESS MAN: Thank you. The camera pans round to show a number of homeless people eating at tables. There ' AARON: Hey, thanks a lot. PRODUCER: Mr Echolls, we're ready for you anytime. AARON: Catch you guys later. Logan! They meet in front of the cameras, Aaron 's arm around Logan' s shoulders, Logan 's around Aaron' s back. Logan smiles for the cameras AARON: Excuse me! Uh, I just wanted to say that my father was not an educated man. He dropped out of school after the eighth grade so he could go to work in the new automotive plant in Pontiac, Michigan. And he once told me something that I'll never forget. He said his, the good heart is worth all the heads in the world put together. Now my son here is the first one to admit that he was not using his head. But I promise each and every one of you, that this boy, this boy has a great heart. The crowd awws at the saccharine performance. Logan laughs LOGAN: Um. I know now that, uh, that what I was wrong. I'm really sorry. I, uh, I only hope that one day I can live up to my dad's good example. Logan turns to his father. They hug LOGAN: I love you. [On stepping out of the hug] Okay, look, uh, I know you do not want to make a big deal out of this [] but I'm just so proud of him that I, I can not keep it a secret. Aaron keeps his proud face, and looks at it. Logan is saying LOGAN: Dad told me he's donating half a million dollars to the Neptune foodbank. The crowd gasps and applause breaks out LOGAN: Way to go, Dad. Logan claps. Aaron is angry and has a hard time on his face. It's back when he turns to the crowds and laughs. Logan puts his arm around Aaron's back and rests his head on Aaron's head. The cameras go wild. "Ventura Highway" hits the chorus SONG: Ventura Highway in the sunshine Where are you going to go? The nights are stronger Than moonshine You're gonna go I know 'Cause the free wind is blowin' through Your hair and the days surround your daylight There Seasons crying no despair Alligator lizards in the air Seen through the glass fronts of a wardrobe, Logan approaches and slides. The section contains belts, hanging from one side of the walls of the closet. He considers them, and then chooses one, feeling its weight. He takes his time folding it in his hand. He slides the door closed. Logan reappears in the hand part of the Echolls house, walking quickly to his father's study. Posters of Aaron are standing on the walls. Logan pauses at the door, belt in hand, and enters his father's acknowledgment of him. Aaron holds out his hand for the belt. He unfurls the belt and goes to close the door. As he does, Logan can be seen lifting his shirt. To the sound of a belt on flesh, the camera slowly to the round to reveal Lynn, sitting on a sofa, drinking a highball. (How - powerful, beautifully played.) Cut to Veronica at school. Another student approaches with a slip of paper STUDENT: Hey Veronica. Deputy wants to inspect your locker. He hands over the slip and considers it VERONICA VOICEOVER: You'd think I'd quit being white surprised at finding a knife in my back. Veronica shakes her head. Cut to the school hallway. Deputy Sacks and Clemmons are waiting for her locker DEPUTY SACKS: Ah, Veronica Mars. VERONICA: We meet again. CLEMMONS: The Sheriff's Department has asked me- VERONICA: I could just give you my locker combination, save a lot of trouble. Veronica opens her locker. Sacks pulls out her backpack and sets it down on the floor. Crouching down, he searches it. He pulls "Cat in the Hat" red and white stripped hat. His search is fruitless DEPUTY SACKS: Nothing. VERONICA: There's a couple of suckers. [Off Sack's glare] In the bag if you want one. Sacks and Clemmons exchange a look. The public address system starts MS DONALDSON: This is Mrs Donaldson, the student council advisor. I'm pleased to announce that the winner of the presidential council is Duncan Kane. The students in the hallway react variously depending on allegiance. Veronica sees Wanda in the distance. She grabs some Wanda stickers, shuts her locker and hurries to speak to her VERONICA: Wanda! I guess we're not going to rave in the desert. WANDA: You do not understand. VERONICA: You're right. I do not. Why don ' WANDA: I got busted last year for possession. This was the only way they would keep it off my record. I'd never get into Williams with a drug load on my file. VERONICA: So you were willing to wreck my future to save your own. Wanda does not have an answer. Veronica turns away in disgust WANDA: Veronica! This was not just about getting into college. If I would have won, I would have done what I promised. We would have changed the way things work around here. VERONICA: You know what? [Handing over the stickers] No hard feelings. I did not vote for you. Veronica leaves Wanda standing. Cut to a classroom. Veronica is lining up a shot of Mrs Donaldson and the new president MS DONALDSON: Well, it's been a crazy week, uh, but I am proud to introduce your new student body president, Duncan Kane. The crowd crowd in the room applaud. Jake can be seen standing and clapping at the doorway. Duncan moves up to the small podium DUNCAN: Thank you Mrs Donaldson. And now, my first act as President, I would like to make sure that I do not have a single Pirate Point. [Applause] But you know what? In addition to varsity sports, I would like to make sure that students in the band, students who make honor role, students who perform in school plays, that write for the school newspaper ... [Glances at Veronica] should be eligible to earn Pirate Points. [One person cheers and applauds the rest of the council is non-responsive] And they should share in the benefits. Okay. So what kind of candy should we sell this year. Jake is proud of his son. Cut to Veronica entering Keith's office. She goes to the safe, purpose can not open two DESPITE Attempts VERONICA VOICEOVER: Dad changed the combination. He knows. Cut to Veronica entering the apartment. Keith is on the couch, reading. KEITH: [Pointing] Package for you. VERONICA: Oh great. KEITH: Something from Action News? VERONICA: Oh, uh, nothing, a tape for a journalism project. Just to compare and contrast TV news with, uh, local print coverage. KEITH: Hmm. Veronica takes the envelope with the tape and heads for her pauses and considers what she is doing. Keith watches her closely. She turns back and sits in the flesh VERONICA: I'm lying. You know I'm lying. I do not want things to be so between us anymore. KEITH: Like what? VERONICA: Like our own game of spy vs spy. You know I was in the safe. And I know you're still investigating Lilly's murder. KEITH: I was. I'm not anymore. VERONICA: Why not? Dad, we're running out of time. KEITH: I used to think that the case was the key to our happiness. Solve the case and my reputation is restored. Solve the case and your mom comes home. Solve the case and you go back to being a normal teenage girl. VERONICA: So let's do it, let's solve the case- KEITH: Wait, Veronica. What I believe in now is that we make the most of what we have here and now. I believe in going to the zoo with the person I love the most. VERONICA: [Holding out the envelope] This is not a school project. It's the footage of Abel Koontz's arrest. [Taking the video out of the envelope] And I need to show you something. [Getting the crime scene pictures out of her bag] This is an enlargement of a crime scene photo taken from the night of Lilly's murder. Veronica hands the photo to Keith then takes the video to the player under the television. She switches it on TV: The defendant is scheduled to die as soon as possible. Veronica freezes the tape on Lilly 's shoes as held up by Lamb. Keith looks at the photo KEITH: What are those shoes doing in Abel Koontz's possession? VERONICA: Good question.

Logan pressures Duncan to run for class president against Wanda Varner's anti-09er platform. Duncan wins, but Veronica suspects that the election was rigged. Logan's father, A-list movie star Aaron Echolls, catches his son organizing Bumfights -like street fights. Abel Koontz fires his public defender, and Veronica discovers that Lilly's shoes, which were in her room after her murder, were found on Abel's houseboat.

fd_Justified_04x10

fd_Justified_04x10_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Raylan: Give me Drew, you can write your own ticket to a better place. [ Horn blares ] Johnny: You can't trust colt. Boyd: What are you saying? Johnny: He never killed Ellen may. Colton: When I thought that the sheriff's department picked her up, I went down to shelby and I asked for his help, but she vanished! Boyd: What did you say? Colton: She's just gone, Boyd. Boyd: No, about shelby. What did you just say? Colton: I went to him and his deputies. We looked up the records, but there's nothing on her. Boyd: Shelby knew that Ellen may was alive? I guess my first step would be to get right with the lord. Something to do with Ava Crowder? Something you saw her do? [ Gasping ] Ava: We're in this together. Boyd: We are. But Delroy is on you. Ava: I should have killed her myself. Boyd: Well, it may come to that yet. Go. So what now... Drew? Now I pull the ripcord for real. Boyd: Shelby? Raylan: Hello, Boyd. Boyd: Drew goddamn Thompson. Raylan: Bullshit. Boyd: I was looking for Drew, same as you. Raylan: The expression on your face while we were cuffing you said otherwise. Boyd: Oh, you holding me now based on my facial expression? Raylan: Oh, and I suppose we let you go, you just forget what you know and think about shelby, go home, and take a bath. Boyd: Well, you wouldn't happen to have any bath salts, would you? Raylan: I'd get comfy if I were you. Tim: They're gonna put the word out wide, start throwing up roadblocks. Boyd: You know what your problem is, Raylan? Raylan: Man's too smart to get snared that way, but it could buy us some time. Boyd: You should've been an outlaw. Tim: Any thoughts as to the women's clothing? Boyd: This job has too much paperwork for a man like you. Raylan: He was married. Boyd: Too many rules and regulations. Raylan: She left him 25 years ago. Boyd: You should've been on the other side with me and your daddy. Oh, you'd still be able to shoot people and be an asshole... Your two favorite activities. Except you would be a rich asshole. Raylan: More like dead or in jail. Boyd: Well, I'm doing just fine. Raylan: Yeah? How about Arlo? Boyd: Well, I have been meaning to get by and see your daddy. Raylan: That's funny. I was just thinking... You keep running your mouth, I'd like to go ahead and arrange that. Boyd: Oh, you gonna arrest me now for talking? Raylan: Who said sh1t about arresting you? [ Door opens ] Boyd: Uh, excuse me, ma'am. These two gentlemen are holding me against my will. Rachel: Shut up. Raylan: That was fast. Rachel: Art didn't want to see you two left alone. Raylan: He said that? Rachel: Where you at? Tim: Got nothing. Raylan: We got roadblocks and suspicious women's underwear. Tim: Like I said... Rachel: So, if you're shelby wanting to skip town, what's your next move? Raylan: We ain't looking for shelby. We're looking for Drew Thompson. So... If you shot Theo Tonin and threw Waldo truth out of an airplane, what's your... [ Sighs ] Tim: What? The morning shift will start at 5:30. You should be safe here until then. Now, when Henderson comes in, you tell him what you know. If it's enough for Boyd to want you dead, it'll be enough to get you Witsec. Why can't I-i go with you? That's not one of the options. Well, that ain't an answer. [ Sighs ] Listen. You don't want to be part of what I got to do. What's... what's the other option? You get on a bus. You ride until you reach a coast. Doesn't matter which one. You ask around till you can find somebody to help you make a new I.D. And you make a new life for yourself. Come on. Now, don't just take it to Tennessee and then stop. Boyd will find you, and he'll finish what he intended when I found you that night. Are you sure I... I can't just go with you? Look. I'm sorry it's got to be this way. I truly am. But it does. Good luck to you, Ellen may. But... Oh, balls. Hey. You come with me, we're never coming back. You understand? Well, where you going? Mexico, to start. Had a beach town in mind, but... Could be swayed to the mountains, if you prefer. I ain't never seen the ocean before. Well, now's your chance. How long is it gonna take to get there? Oh, if we're lucky, should be across the border before sun-up. How fast is this car? We ain't driving, Ellen may. I'm gonna fly us. On this lonely road trying to make it home doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? I'm fighting for my soul God, get at your boy you try to bogard fall back, I go hard on this lonely road trying to make it home doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? I see them long, hard times to come Lived here pretty much my whole life, I never seen the airport. It ain't much of one... Couple of hangars and an airstrip. You fly there a lot? When I first moved here, I avoided it. Had to keep that part of my life hidden. But lately, I've had opportunity to renew my skills. Is that it? Yep. Where do we go in? Up there at the second gate. Oh, the one by the light? What? T-the light there on that building? Go past. Why? Oh, don't slow down. Just keep going past. [ Vehicle passes ] Roger that. Passed on. Lookout said the driver was a woman. Rachel: That's seven in the last hour. There's other airstrips, you know. Raylan: Not within 100 Miles, there ain't. Well, some of them mountains, they blew the tops off... They're flat as a dime. You could land a plane on them. Doesn't make much sense, does it, since the sheriff's plane's already here. U.P.S. Was gonna put a distribution center up there, but the roads are too bad. Raylan: What? U.P.S. Was gonna put a... Raylan: Not you. The sheriff's got a plane here? Well, yeah. Uh, up in hangar 2. Shelby used to take it up every couple weeks. Raylan: We came here, talked to you, went through all the records of everyone who flew in and out of this airport, and you didn't say sh1t about the sheriff's plane! You were looking for a criminal. Why would I mention the sheriff? Raylan: Then why ain't he here? Rachel: Sit down. Raylan: Did you warn him? And why would I warn him? Raylan: You know he's a drug-smuggling murderer, right? I didn't do nothing! I swear! Raylan: What about that light out there? Is that usually on this time of night? I don't know. No one's ever usually here this time of night! Raylan: We got a roadblock at Crestland pass? Cr-Crestland? Raylan: Mm-hmm. There ain't no Crestland on this map. Raylan: It ain't on the map. Give me a radio. Rachel: It's warmer in here, you know. Raylan: These Marshals coats are surprisingly well-insulated. One of the perks of the job. Rachel: Drier, too. Raylan: They're also waterproof. Rachel: They also give you special vision? Because if not, I fail to see the odds of catching Drew being any better waiting out there than in here. Raylan: Is that what art told you? "Rachel, stay with Raylan." "Make sure he don't catch cold." Rachel: Listen. I can deal with your aloofness. It's annoying, but I let it slide because you get your job done and you're easy on the eyes. I can even deal with the fact that if you catch Drew Thompson, you might even be my boss. But if you don't get in the car right now, I swear to God I'm gonna start singing show tunes. Raylan: Promise? Rachel: Don't mess with me right now, Raylan. Art: Evening, gentlemen. Raylan: Thought you were gonna meet us at the airport. Art: Well, it took longer than I remembered. How the hell do you come all the way down here every other damn day? Raylan: I listen to a lot of books on tape and stay zen. Art: Well, I hope you'll bear that in mind when I tell you what I'm about to tell you. Raylan: Are you gonna yell at me? Art: What... over that hunter mosley fiasco? Raylan: [ Groans ] Art: No, I'm gonna wait and suspend you after we catch Drew. No, what I was about to tell you is that the Staties let Boyd Crowder go. Raylan: When? Art: About 20 minutes ago. Lawyer showed up with a court order. Raylan: Well, I hope they broke his cellphone in half before they let him go. Rachel: I think you're the only person who does stuff like that. Raylan: If he calls Theo Tonin, we got less time than we thought. Art: Well, Drew's been in law enforcement. He knows that when you run is when you get caught. He might stay put for a while. Rachel: Any idea where he might go? Raylan: He knows we're sitting on his known associates, so... He had ladies' underwear. Art: [ Chuckling ] What? Raylan: Not like ladies' underwear, like... whore's underwear. That m... He's got Ellen may. Art: That prostitute of Crowder's? Raylan: Why he said something to Boyd the other day. He's got Ellen may. We find her, we find Drew. Rachel: By the way, I have that same pair of panties. Art: Where you going? Raylan: I'm gonna tell the Staties. Art: Oh, hell, no. Hell, no! Get back over here. First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna acknowledge that this guy's awesome. Rachel: What? Art: I mean, he shoots Theo Tonin, fakes his own death in a spectacular fashion, pushes a guy out of an airplane while he's flying it, parachutes into Harlan county with enough coke and cash to jump-start the economy of a small country, and then he has the balls to get a job in law enforcement not once but two times. He spends a couple of days riding around with you while you're looking for him, and now he's run off with a hooker that's half his age. That's some bad-ass sh1t. Raylan: It's pretty bad-ass. Art: Yes, it is. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You gonna let those guys be the ones, or are we gonna be the ones that take that badass? Raylan: You're right. We're on it. Art: Yeah. Let's go find a whore. [ Police radio chatter ] Oh, well, sh1t! What if I... what if I drive through, pick you up on the other side? No, the car ain't clean. And Raylan could be up there. He'd recognize you and put two and two together. So what do we do? We walk down there and turn ourselves in. I said I ain't gonna do that. Ellen may, flying out of here was plan "a." Driving out through the Crestland pass was plan "b." There ain't no plan "c." I don't care, all right? I ain't gonna rat on Ava. I don't want to testify, either... live that life they're gonna give me, always looking over my shoulder. And that's if I survive long enough to testify. But we got no play left. They're gonna be watching everybody I know, everybody I ever did know. We got no place left to hide. I got an idea. Boyd: Some good news. Best I can figure, shelby's still got Ellen may with him. Ava: But why? What good is she doing him? Boyd: Well, it could be we get a call from shelby, him blackmailing us into protecting him. Ava: No. If he was gonna do that, he would've already done it. Boyd: Which makes it more likely he's using her as conduit to a place to lie low. Ava: Staying with a friend of hers, you mean? Boyd: [ Sighs ] Where would Ellen may go if she was in trouble? Does she have any family in Harlan, any friends? Ava: Uh, father's in prison. Her mother ran away when she was little. Could be dead, far as she knows. Nicky Cush, maybe? Boyd: Nicky Cush? The fella who ran audry's before Delroy? Ava: Uh-huh. He's the one that brought her on. They were really close, from what I heard. Had some kind of twisted father/daughter thing going on. Boyd: Well, he'll be the first on my list. How 'bout you, darling? How you holding up? Ava: Food's good. Boyd: Oh, I do envy you on that front. Ava: Boyd, I can't just sit here while you're out there scrambling around. Boyd: Ellen may is a bullet in a loaded gun. Now, it's best you stay out of those sights and stay safe. I love you. Ava: I love you, too. Johnny: So? Boyd: So, you need to figure out whose bed we got to drag Jimmy out of. I'm gonna need all hands on deck. Johnny: I mean, what's the plan? Boyd: The plan is for you to find Jimmy and wake his ass up. So, you understand the situation you've put me in? [ Dialing ] I'm gonna need you tonight, colt. I need you to be that m.P. I knew back in Kuwait. Do you still think you can be that man? Colton: Boyd, I'm gonna make this right. Johnny: Jimmy'll be up front in 5. Boyd: Come on. Stay here and wait for my call. What... what's the name of the place where we're going? It's called huatulco. Huatulco. You ever been there before? Oh, it's the most beautiful place I've ever seen. [ Chuckles ] I like Mexican food. [ Both chuckle ] Me, too. Hey, they got religion in Mexico, like churches and stuff? Sure. It's mostly catholic. Anything like what Billy's church was? Well, it's a branch of christianity, if that's what you mean. Bet they give the sermons in Spanish, though, huh? Yeah. But... you'll learn. Thank you, shelby. For what, making you a fugitive? No. For coming back for me. For looking out for me. Not that many people ever cared enough to look out for me before. Look, I know we're on the run and all, but... I ain't never felt so free. Duffy. Wynn: Hmm? It's Crowder. Wynn: [ Sighs ] Which one? Never mind. It doesn't matter. [ Grunts ] I trust you have earth-shattering news, Mr. Crowder. Johnny: We found Drew Thompson. That shattering enough? Wynn: And by "found," you mean... Johnny: I mean it turns out he's the goddamn county sheriff. Wynn: That man shelby? Doesn't he work for you? Johnny: [ Chuckles ] Under our noses the whole time. Wynn: So, where is he? Johnny: No idea. Marshals and the state troopers say they got a dragnet going. Boyd's out looking, too. So I figured you'd send some guys down here. Wynn: Send them where? You just said you don't know where he is. Johnny: So send them down here to look for him. Wynn: My people know Harlan county about as well as they know Juneau, Alaska. How are they supposed to find shelby before the Marshals or Boyd? You want them to go door to door or post fliers like he's a lost cat? Johnny: So you're saying you got nobody in Harlan? Wynn: Au contraire, Mr. Crowder. I do have a man in Harlan... You. Johnny: [ Chuckles [ nervously ] So I got to find him on my own? Wynn: It's called subcontracting, and it's how business is done in the 21st century. Now, find shelby before anyone else does, or you can say goodbye to that dream you have of displacing your cousin. Do you understand? Johnny: Yeah. Wynn: I expect hourly updates. [ Sighs ] Sheriff. Mr. Limehouse. I don't believe we've met. Mr. Limehouse, my name is Ellen may, and we come here for protection. Protection? Yeah, I got people trying to kill me. Now, how exactly you think this works, girl? Oh. My friend trixie... She used to always come up... Trixie had information for me. You got information for me? And what... your office ain't safe enough? Not right now, no. Listen, I know we had our differences in the past. Yeah, like you shooting down my cousin's boy in front that liquor store? But Ellen may ain't done nothing to you. And she can earn her keep. Yeah, well, uh... I ain't in the whore business. 'Course not. You're just a banker cuts meat all day and wants to be left alone. Now, you think that little, old star on your chest and that gun in your holster allows you to say whatever the hell you want up in my holler, but you a damn fool, shelby. You can ignore them both. And I know you're not gonna extend any comfort to me, regardless of the offer, but I know you need money. Is that right? What are you doing? What those Marshals took, what you had hidden in them pigs... I figure you must owe some of your depositors a sh1t load, plus interest. Well, you making a whole lot of assumptions. You can't just leave me here. You keep Ellen may safe and maybe get her out of town in a couple of weeks, I got $15,000 for you. [ Grunts ] Two weeks. And you get her out of town. Don't push your luck. Now, Boyd won't come up here. You'll be safe. Why can't you stay, too? I ain't welcome here. But I'll be all right. Oh, come on. Don't be silly. I need money, remember? $15,000's all I got. Yeah, well, from what I hear, you worth plenty... Drew. [ Sighs ] Boys. Don't... no! Well, I-i never thought of Ellen may to be one to start any trouble, you know? 'Cause she never had a thought of her own, you know? I mean, you just kind of put her in the right direction and push. [ Chuckles ] But, uh, why'd you say she left, again? [ Glass breaks ] [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: I'm sure you remember I did not. But, uh, well, it's real important you find her, huh? Boyd: We both know I wouldn't be here otherwise, Nicky. Well, you know, it's been a long time, Boyd. I mean, it ain't like we're, uh, friends on the Facebook or nothing, you know? I mean, uh, sh1t. Well, you wouldn't find me on one of them websites anyway, you know? I mean, did you know that... Boyd: Colt! The NSA's got all kinds of things... oh, whoa. No! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on, boys! Look, look, look. I want to help you. I really do. I do. But look... Can I confide in you, Boyd? All right. Look. Delroy didn't leave me with much. He took the whole business from me. I need some cash, is what I'm saying. Boyd: Chair. [ Screams ] [ Grunting ] Hey. C-come on, now. This ain't necessary, Boyd. [ Groaning ] [ Drill clicks ] [ Yelps, whimpers ] Boyd: You got another battery? Unh-unh! [ Whimpering ] Boyd. [ Muffled groaning ] [ Yells ] [ Screaming ] Boyd: You think he's trying to say something, colt? [ Yelling ] Colton: I think he might be! Boyd: I'm all ears, Mr. Cush! Li... Limehouse! Limehouse! Whenever she'd get in trouble, she... she'd threaten to go to Limehouse! Boyd: [ Chuckles ] Ava: I know they're here. Were you even gonna tell me? Well, I didn't know I was obliged to keep you apprised of comings and goings in my holler. Ava: I told you this woman means me harm. You or Boyd? Ava: Me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, you'd have said that either way. Ava: [ Sighs ] Do you want to see her? Ava: [ Gasps ] [ Chuckles ] See, Ava? I been hiding this whole time! And I ain't said nothing! I-I know why you did what you needed to do and why you thought you needed to do it. But even then, I still... I still didn't say nothing about... Uh, about nothing. Ava: Did shelby drop you off? Shelby ain't left. Go on, girl. But... wait. Go on, now. Now, it didn't look to me like she mean you no harm at all. Ava: [ Sighs ] How much for the both of them? [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: For both of them? Ava: Each. Boyd: Well, tell him we'll do it. Ava: Baby, that's gonna clean us out. Boyd: Baby, just tell him. I'll see you soon. [ Cellphone beeps ] [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: You want your man, that's what it's gonna cost. Oh, that's all, huh? Boyd: That and a rather large piece of the heroin trade. [ Chuckles ] I don't think Theo's gonna go for that. Boyd: I'm about to give you Drew goddamn Thompson on a silver platter. You bet your mama's wedding ring he'll go for it. Why don't we leave my mother out of this? And why don't you call me when you got him? [ Click, dial tone ] [ Cellphone beeps ] Colton: We good? Boyd: There's no substitution for a winning personality. I'm so tired of hearing that goddamn girl's name. Johnny: Teri, sweetie... I'm prettier than her. I'm blond, and I can do sh1t they ain't even thought up names for. Johnny: Would you just stop, please, for a minute, and think? Now, maybe... maybe you know something you just don't know you know. What's that supposed to mean? Johnny: It means to think about Ellen may, okay, and the people that she would talk about. Maybe she has an aunt or... or someone somewhere that she could count on. If she had somebody she could count on, I guess she wouldn't be sucking hillbilly dicks for money, would she? [ Cellphone vibrates ] [ Sighs ] Johnny: Oh, sh1t. [ Gasps ] Johnny: Yo. Boyd: Johnny? I thought I asked you to stay at the bar. Johnny: Oh, well, uh, I am, uh, working on a lead on shelby. Boyd: Why, no need, cousin. Both he and our lost sheep have been found. Johnny: You found them? Boyd: Well, how about this for irony? Seems they made a wrong turn, fell into Ava's lap. Johnny: They're at nobles? Boyd: Limehouse is gonna sell them to us. It's gonna cost me everything I got. But we deliver shelby to Theo Tonin, I have it on good authority he will make it worth our while. Johnny: sh1t, Boyd. Limehouse? You can't trust him. Boyd: I don't have a choice, cousin. [ Knock on door, door opens ] But if we get this right... We will be kings. Johnny: Well, all right. I'm on my way. Raylan: What's up, Johnny? I don't believe we've had the pleasure. I'm deputy U.S. Marshal Givens. This is Brooks. I think I seen you up here before. Raylan: As much as I don't consider myself the type, I have become a frequenter of this particular whorehouse. Johnny: Hey, Teri, you step out? Rachel: Actually, it's ladies of your establishment we're looking to speak to. Figure maybe they could help us find someone? Oh, my God. Not Ellen may again. Raylan: So we're not the only ones, then? Johnny: [ Chuckles ] You're asking questions about Ellen may? Maybe you're asking the wrong questions. Raylan: Oh, I'm sorry, Johnny. What questions should we be asking? Honey, you can go. [ Sighs ] Whatever. [ Door closes ] Raylan: Okay. Johnny: Well, maybe what you should be asking is where does Boyd keep all his money? You bust his ass for tax evasion. Raylan: Saying you're gonna tell us? Johnny: Sure. Why the hell not? Boyd doesn't give a damn about nothing. Never did. When we was kids, he'd build half a tree house, and then he'd run off and go build a go-kart. And then he'd forget them both and spend the whole rest of the summer stealing candy and trading it for cigarettes. Raylan: I'll take your word for it. I just dug coal with the man. Johnny: And he gets back from the war, and he finds Jesus. And he receives his ordination through the mail from one of them Bible colleges down in South Carolina or some sh1t, making us all learn the ways of white supremacy, as it was laid down by the lord almighty. Then he goes on and on and on about white flight and all that sh1t. You know what that is? Raylan: Mm-hmm. People moving out of town? Johnny: White people moving to the suburbs. Rachel: 'Cause they want to cut grass and have barbecues? Johnny: [ Chuckles ] sh1t, no. 'Cause they want to get away from black people like you and all the greasers and the asiatics and all the goddamn Mexicans running around infecting the place. But, you know, these are Boyd's words. Raylan: Johnny. What's your point? Johnny: You know what he's doing now, Raylan? He's buying a house in the goddamn suburbs! [ Both laugh ] Up there on clover hill, because the man is in love. Rachel: You sound like he stole your girlfriend. Johnny: Ha! No. He stole Raylan's girlfriend. He stole my job. Oh, but I did get this as a consolation prize for believing all of his bullshit. Raylan: Thing is, Johnny, you didn't get cut in half from Bo's shotgun 'cause of Boyd. You got shot 'cause that's the sh1t that happens when you choose to live a life as a small-time asshole. Second, I'm guessing if Boyd's getting close to Drew makes him a made man, then you'll be spending the rest of your days playing second fiddle. Your problem is we don't give a sh1t about Boyd. That's not why we're here. The man we're after... Drew Thompson. Now, you can help us with that, maybe we can do you a favor in the process. [ Bottle uncorks ] Johnny: [ Chuckles ] Mr. Crowder! Boyd: How about we dispense with the bullshit, get this thing done? See, now, I thought you'd come up here with a little more gratitude, considering all the stuff I done for you. Boyd: I got three different types of people in my life... my friends, our friends, and her friends. You know which one you fall into? Well, I could guess. Boyd: You ain't done sh1t for me. You done it for her. Now, you want what I got in this briefcase or you want to waste some more of my time? And I believe I'll take what I came for, be on my way. You ever been on a plane, Mr. Crowder? Boyd: Why? You plan on taking flying lessons with my money? I've been having this dream. I dream that I'm flying this plane. I mean one of them great, big, old suckers... a jumbo jet. And all the passengers is folks from nobles holler. Damn near everybody I know and care about's on this thing. I'm at the controls when all of a sudden, something goes terribly wrong. Lights is flashing, buzzers sounding. [ Imitates alarm blaring ] And we start going down. And I'm fighting to keep it level, and it ain't no use. And I always wake up just before impact, sweating. Boyd: While I believe I understand your subtle metaphor, what I don't understand is why you feel the need to tell me. Well... I'm telling you so you understand... Why I'm about to do what I'm about to do. Ava: Ellstin, we had a deal. We did. Ava: Yeah. And now I'm changing it. Hell, that ain't enough money to purchase no two lives. It'll get you one. And which 'un is up to you. Boyd: [ Clears throat ] Well, uh... You mind if I take a moment to confer with my lady? Ellen may. No. Boyd: Ava, we can always make more money. But if she turns on us... Ava: She ain't gonna say anything. Boyd: You don't know that! Ava: She hasn't so far. Boyd: Ava, she's a wild animal, and if she gets cornered, there's no telling what she'll do. Ava: Shelby's our future. We can't pass this up. Boyd: There ain't no future for me without you. It's Ellen may. Ava: Then do this for me, for us. Please. Shelby. No. [ Crying ] No, no. No, no. Girl. Girl, be quiet. Please. No, no, no, no! Please. Take me! He ain't done anything wrong! He didn't do anything to you! Ava: Limehouse wouldn't do no different than we would. No, you don't know that! Ava: Listen! You're gonna be safe... [ Spits ] No!! Get off. [ Crying ] No. Girl. Come on, girl. Girl. [ Crying ] It's okay. It's okay. It's my time. It's my time. The boys will take y'all back down the hill to your car. When you get another 300 grand together, you, uh... Give me a call. We'll talk about getting your little ho back. Ava: [ Sighs ] Oh, thank you. [ Crying ] Boyd: Hey. Come on. I jumped with too much cocaine. Came in hot, broke my legs. Never would've stayed in Harlan if I had landed right. Well... Whole world would've been mine to explore. Boyd: Well, I'd say you had yourself a pretty good run, considering. Well, thanks to your daddy and Arlo... may they rest in peace. Ava: Are you saying Arlo Givens is dead? Shivved in prison. Figured you'd have heard by now. Boyd: No, we had not. Poetic, I suppose, as you'll soon be joining them in the afterlife. I'm sure the three of you will have a lot to talk about. That cocaine I brought to Harlan... that made your people, Boyd. Pulled them out of trailers, put them in houses. Put food on your table, presents under your tree. That's why your daddy protected me all those years, no matter what befell him. But I wonder, after all he went through, what he'd think about you handing me over to be tortured and killed? Boyd: Well, under the circumstances, I think he'd understand just fine. I think maybe you didn't know your daddy. Boyd: Listen... Drew, shelby, whatever the hell your name is... I appreciate the play you're trying to make. But men like us... Sooner or later, we got to reap what we sow. And this is your 6x6 plot of land. [ Vehicle approaches ] [ Vehicle door opens ] Well, amigo, this is where we part ways. Now, if it's any solace during this difficult moment, know that your sacrifice will be providing for the next generation of the Crowder family. [ Vehicle door shuts ] Colt! You ready to make your penance? Don't forget my money. Rachel: You're not worried. Raylan: I wasn't, till you started up. Rachel: Letting this ride on the word of Johnny Crowder... Raylan: You were there. He made a very compelling argument. Raylan: Or we just got played like a bunch of first-class chumps. [ Cellphone vibrates ] Raylan: Drop's in one of the fields down off gentry road. Rachel: Where the hell is gentry road? Raylan: That way. Turn right. Rachel: How much time do we have? Raylan: Didn't say. Rachel: How are we supposed to know which field? Raylan: Apparently, all we got to do is look up. She was at my house, you know... the whore... cowering underneath kitchen table while you were prowling around the entryway. All I could do to keep from laughing my ass off, watching you hoot and holler. Colton: Shh. You were a military policeman, right? That's nice police work. Pretty sure her goddamn sweater was draped over the chair right by where you were standing. [ Grunts ] [ Breathing heavily ] Is that who you are? Hit a defenseless old man about to punch his ticket? Colton: Well, I told you to shh. You junkie pussy. You got no balls. Colton: Don't push me. You're gonna die at Boyd's hand once he uses you up. Oh, what are you gonna do with that... wave it around, try and look tough? Colton: Go ahead. Try me. Keep talking. [ Chuckles ] You haven't got the stones. You couldn't hurt anybody, except maybe a weak, broken-down whore. You ain't man enough to pull that trigger. But go on. Do it. Do it! [ Breathing heavily ] Colton: [ Laughing ] Nice try. [ Laughs ] I appreciate your effort. [ Continues laughing ] You are gonna wish that I shot you. What do think they're gonna do to you once they get ahold of you, huh? Hmm? Cut you up in pieces? Waterboard you? And cut out that eye? You heard about that, huh? Colton: I've seen men in the service die slow. It is a horrible way to go. Please. Boyd will still get his money. [ Helicopter blades whirring ] Colton: I think your ride is here. Happy trails. Go! Go, go, go. Boyd's guy colt ran up the road there into the woods. Handcuff keys are on the fence post over there. Art: Tim? Rachel, back him up. You okay? [ Panting ] Yeah. Thanks for coming out. [ Chuckles ] Raylan: Anything for Drew Thompson. Yeah. Sorry I didn't mention it sooner. Raylan: Oh, what fun would that have been? [ Grunts ] [ Handcuffs click ] I guess this is where I'm supposed to surrender. Art: You can tell us everything now or let it be a big surprise later. You get me out of here, I'll give you whatever you want. Raylan: Where's your girlfriend? She's at Limehouse's place. She's gonna need your help. Raylan: Yeah, we'll get right on that. Boyd: Uh-huh. [ Sighs ] That was colt. The Marshals got to Drew before Nicky could. Ava: How is that possible? What do we do? Boyd: We make a case to Theo. Johnny: Or...? Boyd: Or we run. [ Cellphone beeps ] Wynn: That was Nicky augustine. The Marshals have Drew Thompson. sh1t. [ Water running ] Wynn: Yes. That. He wants us down in Harlan. We gonna go? Wynn: Do you have a passport? You need a passport to get into Harlan? Wynn: No, you need a passport to get into Canada. Are you serious? Wynn: Would you prefer Mexico? I'd prefer not running away like a little bitch. Wynn: Okay. You can stay. I don't know how I'll survive without you, but I'll try to get by. [ Sighs ] Raylan: Is is just me, or they look empty-handed? Art: Well, this could be a real big thing for you, Raylan. Bump you up a couple of grades, get your choice of assignment. Could be a whole new life for you. Your kid, too. Raylan: Still gonna suspend me for hunter mosley? Art: Oh, you bet your ass. But still... enjoy this. Raylan: This? We're standing in a field. We haven't done sh1t. Tim: He got to his car before we could get to him. Rachel: [ Panting ] So what's next? Art: Theo Tonin knows we got Drew. He's not gonna be too happy about that. Raylan: Meaning we just got to figure out how to get out of Harlan alive.

Raylan searches Shelby's house for any clues while Boyd sits on the floor in handcuffs. Boyd tells Raylan that Raylan made a wrong decision becoming a Marshal and should have followed Arlo's lead into Harlan County criminal enterprises. Boyd at this point does not know that Arlo, Raylan's father, is dead. Raylan is in no hurry to tell him. Drew Thompson decides to flee to Mexico, and eventually decides to take Ellen May with him. They drive to a local airport. Ellen May's casual mention of a light being on in the hangar tips Shelby/Drew off that someone is there and they drive by the airport. Raylan is waiting inside the airport, and gets mad at the airport attendant for not telling them that Shelby/Drew Thompson has a plane there and for keeping a light on outside. Raylan deduces that the only remaining way for Drew Thompson out of Harlan County is via a mountain pass. Drew and Ellen May see Raylan's road block from the woods. With no more options, Ellen May takes Drew to Limehouse, as Ellen May heard from her dead friend Trixie that Limehouse protects women in trouble. Limehouse says that's true when he can get information from women in trouble that helps him and his "Holler", like he did with Trixie. Drew offers Limehouse $15,000 to take in Ellen May. Limehouse says he won't protect Drew for that money, but says Drew is valuable to other people, so he'll keep him for the highest bidder. Ava is also holed up under Limehouse's protection as Boyd made Ava leave until they could find Ellen May as she witnessed Ava's murder of Delroy. Boyd finds out Drew and Ellen May are at Limehouse's compound, and Ava tells Boyd that Limehouse wants $150,000 for each. Boyd decides to mortgage his future by using his money to get both Drew and Ellen May, and then get $500,000 from the Detroit gangsters and rights to the Harlan country drug trade upon successful delivery of Drew to the Detroit gangsters. Limehouse double crosses Boyd and says the $300,000 is enough only for one person. Ava tells Boyd to take Drew instead of Ellen May. Ellen May spits in Ava's face, making Ava doubt her decision about making Boyd take Drew. Once Boyd has Drew, Drew tells Boyd that he never would have stayed in Harlan if it wasn't for breaking both of his legs on his parachute jump. As he had money and cocaine with him, he connected with Bo Crowder and Arlo Givens to protect him in exchange for a cut of the money and drug proceeds. This arrangement got the Crowder and Givens families out of trailers, according to Drew. The Marshals find Johnny at the whorehouse when they go to talk to another one of Ellen May's friends. Johnny gives up Boyd to the Marshals. The Marshals arrive just in time as the Detroit toughs fly in with a helicopter to pick up Drew. Shelby tells Raylan to get Ellen May from Limehouse, while Raylan tells Art they will have trouble getting Shelby out of Harlan County alive.

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LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai waits for a minuter outside before entering, Babette and Miss Patty are surprised to see Lorelai.] LORELAI: Hey [Chuckles to Kirk as she sits at the counter] KIRK: Well, well, well I always suspected this day would come. LORELAI: Hi Kirk. KIRK: You're not getting this seat back. LORELAI: Huh? KIRK: You can't, it's mine now and frankly I can see why you hogged it for so long. LORELAI: What? KIRK: It's clearly the best stool in the joint. Close to the cash register and the kitchen, which guarantees plenty of face time with the boss. Climate wise it's positioned between two air-conditioning vents which creates a nice cross ventilation... LORELAI: Hey Kirk... KIRK: ...never. LORELAI: You can have the seat. Hey [To Luke] LUKE: Hey. [Short pause] Coffee? LORELAI: Yes please. LUKE: All right, ah to stay or to go? LORELAI: Um... To stay. LUKE: Good, okay. MISS PATTY: Lorelai. BABETTE: Hi ya doll. LORELAI: Hey. MISS PATTY: It's so nice seeing you back in here. LORELAI: Thanks. BABETTE: Been a long time. LORELAI: Yah. BABETTE: What 9, 10 months. LORELAI: Something like that. KIRK: Actually I can tell you exactly when Lorelai was in her last 'cause I marked it in my calendar. [Looks it up] "May 22, 2006, stool available?" it's important to... LUKE: Enough Kirk, here you go. LORELAI: Thank you. [Exhales] So how's it going? LORELAI: Oh really well. They inn is really busy. LUKE: Yeah I'll bet. LORELAI: And so how are you doing. LUKE: Me? Good, really good. [Still awkward between them] LORELAI: Good. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Um, it sure is warm outside. LUKE: Yeah you know when I opened the diner this morning I remember thinking how warm it was. LORELAI: Really! LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: You know what maybe I should take this to go. To get back to work and. LUKE: Yeah okay let me just get you a cup. LORELAI: It's been really busy at the Inn. LUKE: Yeah. Yeah you said. There you go. [Lorelai pours the coffee into the to go cup and Luke puts a lid on it.] LUKE: Lid on there. LORELAI: Oh great. [Lorelai gets money to pay] LUKE: Nah, I got it. LORELAI: Thanks. LUKE: Okay so I'll see you around. LORELAI: Definitely, I'll see you around. Okay. [Lorelai starts to leave the diner.] LORELAI: Bye. MISS PATTY: Bye. [Outside Lorelai exhales in relief.] OPENING CREDITS UNKNOWN ROAD [Lorelai is driving the Jeep. Her cell phone rings] LORELAI: Hi. SOOKIE: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! LORELAI: You called me. SOOKIE: Oh, no, not you. I was talking to Davey. Hey. LORELAI: Hey. SOOKIE: I was just calling to let you know I'm not coming into work today. [To Davey] No, no, no, no, no itching. No itching. Just pat, pat. Par, pat. LORELAI: Is everything okay? SOOKIE: Oh, everything's fine. I just hate that stupid Rosie Milano. LORELAI: Ugh, is she the woman at Davey's school with the big, fake boobs who all the dads think are real? SOOKIE: No, but I hate her, too. Rosie Milano is a little girl in Davey's class. LORELAI: Oh. Interesting choice for your nemesis. SOOKIE: She came to school with the chicken pox. LORELAI: Oh, no, I hate her, too. Davey and Martha? SOOKIE: Yeah. I mean, not terrible cases. They've both been vaccinated, but I'm up to my ears in oatmeal baths. Plus I've got to find a hotel for Jackson because the inn is completely full -- "go, us," by the way. LORELAI: Why does Jackson need to stay in a hotel? SOOKIE: He's never had the chicken pox. I mean I know he's already been exposed, so he may get them anyway, but if there's a chance in hell to avoid him getting them, I'm gonna do it because that man is a huge baby. LORELAI: Well he doesn't need to stay at a hotel, he can just stay at my place. SOOKIE: Lorelai, you are my best friend in the entire world. I could not sic Jackson on you. LORELAI: Oh, please. SOOKIE: No, the man's a slob. This morning, I could have killed him, with the wet towels all over the floor. LORELAI: It's so not a big deal. Why waste money on a hotel? SOOKIE: Are you sure? LORELAI: Yes. Please, end of discussion. He's staying with me. SOOKIE: Okay, well, thank you, and I want you to remember this moment because you offered. LORELAI: Okay, well... SOOKIE: Okay. Well, I'm gonna pick him up and bring him over to you around 6:00. LORELAI: Yeah, that sounds good. Hey, so I went into Luke's this morning. SOOKIE: What? Why didn't you cut me off? It's not like the kids have bubonic plague. How did it go? LORELAI: It was awful. SOOKIE: Oh! LORELAI: Yeah everybody was staring at us. SOOKIE: Oh, I'm sure they weren't. LORELAI: Sookie. SOOKIE: Yeah, they were staring. LORELAI: Yeah it was just awkward, and neither of us knew how to act. SOOKIE: I'm sure it seemed worse than it really was. LORELAI: Uh, no. We hit the weather in the first minute. SOOKIE: Ohh. Well, it has been unseasonably warm, but you know things will get better. LORELAI: I don't know. Maybe there's just too much history. SOOKIE: Oh, history, schmistory. Couples have been breaking up and becoming friends. I mean look at Ryan O'neal and Farrah Fawcett, huh? LORELAI: Really Ryan and Fawcett that's the most well-adjusted relationship you can come up with? SOOKIE: I mean I'm sorry. He's been in the news lately -- that whole shooting-a-gun-at-his-son thing. LORELAI: Hey, s-- oh! God. [The Jeep starts making unusual sounds] SOOKIE: What was that? LORELAI: I don't know. SOOKIE: Oh! LORELAI: Oh! It's coming from my car. SOOKIE: Pull over. LORELAI: I am. SOOKIE: Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! LORELAI: I am. I am. I-I've pulled over. Hold on. I'm turning it off. SOOKIE: Are you okay? LORELAI: Yeah, I think so. SOOKIE: Well, what was that? LORELAI: You know, the carburetor? SOOKIE: Oh. Ooh, or maybe the alternator. LORELAI: I think I better call Gypsy. SOOKIE: That's probably a good idea. LORELAI: Okay, bye. SOOKIE: Bye. [The brake lights on the Jeep flicker and go out] PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT. [Paris is sitting at the table when the front door opens.] PARIS: Finally. Doyle, she's here! Where were you? Your "20th century poets" class ended two hours ago. DOYLE: Hey, Rory. RORY: Hey, Doyle. I was just dropping Logan off at the airport. DOYLE: Oh yeah he has that meeting in San Fran. When is it? RORY: Tomorrow afternoon. DOYLE: Wish him luck for me. RORY: I will. PARIS: Seriously, you're gonna stand here making idle chitchat on the single most important day of my life? DOYLE: Sorry, sweetie. Paris has some news. PARIS: Not some news, the news. Responses from Harvard medical school, Johns Hopkins school of medicine, Penn medical, Yale law school, Stanford law school, and Columbia medical. And before you comment on envelope thickness, keep in mind that so much stuff is online these days that thickness is no longer an accurate indicator. RORY: Mm-hmm PARIS: I knew you would want to be here, when I opened them. RORY: Yeah, right. Thanks. DOYLE: Go on, hon. Do it! PARIS: [Sighs] Okay. My lucky letter opener. Used it to open the envelope conveying my acceptance to Yale four years ago. And don't look at me like I'm some kind of superstitious freak. It's just a precautionary device. If it works, great. If not, I need it to open letters anyway. I don't know which to open first. Choose one. RORY: Okay, uh... Yale law school. PARIS: Yale law school. Okay, wow. That's a great school. I'd be lucky to get in there, you know? You open it. RORY: Me? PARIS: You're lucky. RORY: I am? PARIS: How else do you explain the fact that you got into Harvard and I didn't? RORY: Oh, right, luck. Okay. PARIS: Use the letter opener! RORY: Oh. Are you sure the letter opener's luck isn't gonna cancel out my luck? PARIS: I don't know, is that how it works? RORY: I was kidding. Sorry. Here we go. All right. "Dear Paris Geller, we are pleased to inform you --" PARIS: I got in! Whoo! [Paris and Doyle screaming] RORY: Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. PARIS: Thank you. Thank you so much for your participation in operation finish line, for your friendship, for everything. You've always been an inspiration to me, Rory Gilmore. RORY: Aw. PARIS: I mean, the way you cut your ruthless path to the head of the Yale daily news and never looked back -- I never told you, but I really admired that. RORY: Thanks? PARIS: And, Doyle, I know this process didn't exactly bring out my soft and fuzzy side. DOYLE: Doesn't matter. I love you, baby, and I am so proud of you. PARIS: I love you, too. I just can't believe I got into the second best law school in the country. It's such an honor! It doesn't matter really if I get into the others. I have a great option right here. RORY: You do. PARIS: Yeah! Anyway, go ahead. Might as well open Harvard, even though it doesn't matter. Use the letter opener again. RORY: Okay. [opens the letter] Okay. "We are pleased to inform..." PARIS: Whoo! [Very excited again] I got in! I got in! DOYLE: All right! RORY: Congratulations! PARIS: Bite me, Harvard, bite me! DOYLE: Yeah, chock on it! PARIS: I'm tempted to reject them the same way they rejected me that dark day four years ago. Who's laughing now?! RORY: Okay, um, so, next we have, what? The university of Pennsylvania? All right. Let's see what it says. [Chuckles] All right. "We are pleased to inform..." PARIS: In? I'm in? Yes! Excited but a little less than before] DOYLE: Oh! PARIS: What's that about? RORY: Hmm? PARIS: Your noticeable drop-off in enthusiasm. Is that a reflection of the fact that you're less impressed by my admission to the university of Pennsylvania school of medicine than you were by my other acceptances? RORY: I'd say we're just as impressed. Wouldn't you, Doyle? DOYLE: Oh, absolutely. Because it's a pre-eminent institution in the interrelated disciplines of patient-care education and research. RORY: It's a great school. DOYLE: Mm, top-notch. PARIS: Fine, you've made your point. Perception should play a role in my decision-making process. RORY: Well I guess that's what Doyle and I were saying. PARIS: I mean lets face it, you say "Harvard medical school," and people are automatically impressed, and that counts for something. RORY: That's true. PARIS: SO you think I should go there? RORY: Oh, well, that's not what I'm saying -- or that you shouldn't. I'm just... What I'm saying is that you have all these great options. DOYLE: Yeah. PARIS: I know. So, how do I decide? DOYLE: Oh, you'll figure it out, hon. PARIS: How? This is a huge decision, the biggest decision I've had to make in my life. Law school or med school? I have two passions, and obviously, I'm vastly talented in both fields. What muse do I follow? Not to mention location-wise, where do I want to live for the next three or up to eight years? Open the others. RORY: Yeah? Okay. Columbia. DOYLE: [Chuckles] RORY: Also a good school. DOYLE: Mm-hmm. RORY: "We are pleased..." PARIS: Oh, god! RORY: Paris you're just being silly, okay? It's good to have options. PARIS: Yeah right you can say that because there's only one thing you want. Talk to me if you don't get the New York Times fellowship and you have to choose between six other papers. [Rory looks hurt] PARIS: I'm sorry. I just meant it must be nice to know what you want. RORY: Well, "nice" -- yeah, that's one way to put it, and "scary" is another. PARIS: You have a great shot at the Reston. DOYLE: You do and with A.J. Abrams writing that rec... RORY: Well I'm sure all the candidates have great recommendations. PARIS: New York Times would be lucky to have you. RORY: Thanks. Well, I'll find out soon enough, but come on. This is your moment. Should we open another one? All right. [Opens letter] Hey, hey. You got into Stanford! DOYLE: Whoa! Someone's on a roll! RORY: Yay! PARIS: Enough with the hysterics. I have a big decision to make, and all this hooting and hollering isn't exactly helping matters. [Paris buries her head in a pillow on the couch] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai's on the phone, the doorbell rings, talking on the phone while answering the door]] LORELAI: What do you mean you can't fix it, gypsy? It's only eight years old. [To Sookie and Jackson] Hi, come on in. Everyone knows you can fix anything. Sit down. Sorry I have guest, make yourselves at home okay. SOOKIE: Unh-unh-unh-unh. JACKSON: Wha... SOOKIE: Ignore Lorelai. JACKSON: What? SOOKIE: You are absolutely not to make yourself at home, don't leave your clothes lying all over the house. JACKSON: I won't. SOOKIE: Wipe your shoes off if you go outside and come back in. JACKSON: I will. Don't leave them laying around in the middle of the room or anywhere where they can be smelled. JACKSON: Sookie. SOOKIE: Just don't touch anything, and hang up your wet towels. JACKSON: I have stayed at other people's houses before. SOOKIE: I know. Why do you think I'm saying all of this? And just try not to annoy Lorelai. JACKSON: Believe it or not, I don't try to annoy other people. SOOKIE: Well congratulations, because you have a natural talent. JACKSON: Sookie! SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: Nothing. Is that all? SOOKIE: No, I packed you a salad. Eat it in the kitchen at the table on a plate. Please do not make a mess. I wanted to stay around and say thank you to Lorelai, but I should get back to the kids. JACKSON: Yeah, yeah you should get back to the kids. It sounded like that's gonna take a while. SOOKIE: Really? JACKSON: Oh, yeah. They're talking about cars. I mean that phone call could take hours. Go, really. SOOKIE: Well call me if you need anything. JACKSON: I will. SOOKIE: And don't use Lorelai's home phone. JACKSON: Kiss the kids good night for me. SOOKIE: I will. LORELAI: Thanks for trying. Okay. Thank you. Bye. [Sookie leaves just as Lorelai returns from the kitchen] Sorry about that. JACKSON: Oh! No problem. Thanks again for letting me stay. LORELAI: Oh, sure, my pleasure. Have a seat. [Hesitating to sit] So, where's Sookie? JACKSON: Oh you know she had to get back to the kids. LORELAI: Oh. Well, how's she holding up? JACKSON: O-okay. A little tense. What's going on with the car? LORELAI: Gypsy says I have to put it down. JACKSON: What? LORELAI: Yes. She said it would be cheaper to get a new one. She used the phrase "total internal destruction." JACKSON: Wow. LORELAI: I know. I guess that check-engine light is not just a suggestion. JACKSON: Not so much. LORELAI: Although I'm proud. Total internal destruction -- that sounds badass. JACKSON: So what's next? LORELAI: Uh, I guess I turn my evil power on some new, unsuspecting vehicle. JACKSON: Do you know what you're gonna get? LORELAI: No. Any suggestions? JACKSON: Honestly, I'm not a car guy, but I can steer you toward a good tractor. LORELAI: Alright if I decide to get a tractor, you're my guy. JACKSON: Hey, do you need a ride to work tomorrow? Phil Henderson's gonna pick me up. We could drop you off on the way to the farm. LORELAI: Well that's nice. What time are you going? JACKSON: About 4:45. LORELAI: No, no, no. That's too early. I'll take my bike. JACKSON: You bike? LORELAI: Well, I don't bike, but I have a bike. There were about two weeks when Rory was 10 that we were really into biking. Then we got over it and moved on to roller skating, but for those two weeks, it was biking all the way. JACKSON: 12 years ago? LORELAI: Is that how long ago it was? Oh, well. I'll be fine. They must have the phrase "it's just like riding a bike" for a reason. Okay, so, I'm gonna get a snack. You want to join me? JACKSON: Uh, actually, no. Sookie made me a salad. LORELAI: [Scoffs] I'm making chicken nuggets. I won't tell. Come on. [Jackson follows like a little boy, dropping his bag on the way] UNKNOWN ROAD [Lorelai is riding her cell phone rings, she has a hands free ear piece.] LORELAI: Hello? RORY: Hi, mom. LORELAI: Oh, why so blue? RORY: I'm not blue. LORELAI: Come on, talk to me. RORY: All I said was, "hi, mom." LORELAI: Are you missing Logan? Is he getting back from San Francisco soon? RORY: On Friday, but that's not why I'm blue. I'm not even blue. Well, I'm not really blue. LORELAI: Well, why are you not blue? RORY: Well, Paris got into six schools yesterday, which means she's definitely going to grad school, and I'm happy for her. I mean, I'm happy for Lucy and Olivia, who signed a lease on an apartment in Manhattan -- well, near Manhattan. And I'm happy for this guy in my Shakespeare class who just got recruited for a think tank in Washington. LORELAI: Wow, that's a lot of happy. RORY: Yeah, that's just it. All of a sudden, everyone seems to know where they're gonna be next year. LORELAI: Oh, and you're still waiting to hear? RORY: Yeah. I mean, I really want the Reston. LORELAI: And I think you're gonna get it, I really do. But you have other places you're waiting to hear from. RORY: I know, but to live in New York city and work at the times. LORELAI: Well, if I say it'll work out, does that help? RORY: Not really. LORELAI: Consider it unsaid. RORY: Thanks. LORELAI: What kind of think tank? RORY: I know, I know I should have asked, but I temporarily forgot your fascination with think tanks. LORELAI: Does the guy have a big forehead? I always picture the think-tank guys with big foreheads. RORY: No, he has a pretty average-sized forehead. Average to small. LORELAI: Interesting. RORY: Mm. Hey, why do you sound out of breath? LORELAI: I don't know. RORY: Did you have too much coffee this morning? LORELAI: Haven't had any. I didn't go to Luke's. RORY: Oh, I thought you were going for a second run. LORELAI: Well, maybe tomorrow. RORY: Mom just do it, I know it's hard, but you guys need to get over this hump. LORELAI: I promise I'll go back. It's just there's been a lot going on with the car and everything. RORY: Oh, what did gypsy say? LORELAI: It's bad. RORY: Uh-oh. LORELAI: Doorknobs. RORY: As in "dead as"? LORELAI: That's right. RORY: Why? How? LORELAI: Oh, ours is not to wonder why. RORY: But it was so young. LORELAI: I know. RORY: It just seems like yesterday that we went to pick it out. LORELAI: Yeah. Oh. So new car, huh? You should get a DeLorean like in "back to the future." LORELAI: It's on the list right behind the Batmobile. Although I'm enjoying the whole biking thing. RORY: What biking thing? LORELAI: I'm biking to work right now. RORY: What, now? Mom. LORELAI: What? RORY: Pull over. LORELAI: No! RORY: That's dangerous. LORELAI: Oh, I'm fine. I've been talking to you with a little ear thingy. RORY: Well, pull over right now. LORELAI: Okay, I'm pulling over, pulling over. Okay, I pulled over. RORY: Yeah, I know you're not. I'm hanging up. LORELAI: Okay, bye! DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Lorelai is reading a car magazine] SOOKIE: Hey, anything good? LORELAI: Um, here's one that comes loaded with an entertainment pkg. SOOKIE: "Package." LORELAI: Right. Satellite radio, six-cd changer. I'm just not sure if these are cars or really expensive stereos. SOOKIE: Ooh, you should get a convertible. LORELAI: I'm not a convertible person. SOOKIE: What is a convertible person? LORELAI: You know, too tan, bad hair. SOOKIE: [Too a kitchen staff] Hey, don't put the tomatoes in until 10 minutes before you serve. [Gasps] Ooh! How about that little sports car? LORELAI: Yeah, I don't know, I always feel like sports cars have an attitude, you know like they think they're cooler than other cars. SOOKIE: That's true, although from where I'm sitting in my minivan, they do seem a lot cooler. LORELAI: [giggles] SOOKIE: So, thanks again for, you know, having Jackson. I know how difficult he can be. LORELAI: Oh, he's great. SOOKIE: Good. You can tell me the truth. I know he's driving you crazy, right? LORELAI: He's great. We had fun. We watched TV. He went to bed early. It was fun. SOOKIE: Oh. He's probably on his good behavior. He woke you up when he got up this morning, didn't he? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: He didn't? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: Oh, with all that stomp, stomp, stomping around. LORELAI: Sookie, is everything okay with you two? SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, yeah. Fine, fine, fine. He's just kind of getting on my nerves a little, you know. I'm just cranky. The little one's keeping me up at night. So, talk to me. What are you thinking? LORELAI: How about a mini? MICHEL: [Entering the room] Oh, how about a Rolls-Royce? LORELAI: [Sarcastically] Yeah, I'll consider that. MICHEL: Or a Bentley, Aston Martin, Mercedes, a BMW. LORELAI: What are you doing, just listing expensive cars? MICHEL: Take out a second mortgage on your home. It will be worth it. SOOKIE: Michel, be quiet. MICHEL: People are impressed by fine automobiles. It's how the world works. Don't look at me like that. I didn't make the rules. I just play by them. LORELAI: Yeah, but you drive a golf. MICHEL: Would you like to give me a raise? SOOKIE: Ignore him! Okay, here's what I want you to do. Close your eyes. LORELAI: Ooh, fun. SOOKIE: Now, I want you to imagine your dream car. It can be anything you want. You're backing out of the driveway. You're driving through Stars Hollow. "Good morning, townspeople! Top of the morning to you." LORELAI: Why am I saying "top of the morning"? SOOKIE: It doesn't matter what you say. It matters what you're in. Can you see what you're in? LORELAI: I think I can see it! SOOKIE: Okay, what kind of car is it? LORELAI: It's not really a car. It's more of a float. SOOKIE: A float? LORELAI: In the shape of a swan, and I'm dressed all in white. SOOKIE: Okay, that's not a very practical car. LORELAI: Al right. [Too Michel] What are you looking at? MICHEL: I was trying to decide if you could pull off a Ferrari. Mm, you can't. LORELAI: Maybe I'll get a really cool vintage car. MICHEL: A used car? [Laughs] You cannot be serious. LORELAI: What's wrong with a used car? MICHEL: Would you buy a used toilet seat? LORELAI: It's not really the same thing. MICHEL: You're sitting in someone else's filth. LORELAI: With pants on. MICHEL: One can only hope. LORELAI: Ew, Michel. MICHEL: You don't know who drove it before. LORELAI: No but I think I could have it cleaned. MICHEL: Aw, you're right and I'm sure they got out all the sweat, body odor, and head lice that a previous owner deposited. LORELAI: Ew! Shouldn't you be somewhere, like the reception desk? MICHEL: Suit yourself. LORELAI: Ew, ew. SOOKIE: I know. And now if you get a cool old vintage car, I don't think I can sit in it. LORELAI: Listen, don't worry. I'm getting a new car. I have more money now than I did eight years ago, and I can afford something nice, you know, with all the perks. SOOKIE: Yeah, that makes sense. LORELAI: I just don't know where to start. SOOKIE: I wish I could be more helpful. LORELAI: You know this is something Luke would be good at. SOOKIE: Yeah. LORELAI: I mean, in the old days, you know, before everything, when we were just friends, this is something I'd ask for his help with. SOOKIE: Well, I mean, maybe you could. LORELAI: Could I? I couldn't. Could I? SOOKIE: You're talking. You're friends again. LORELAI: Well, sort of friends. We have a long way to go. SOOKIE: Well, you will be eventually. LORELAI: You think something like this would help us get over the hump? SOOKIE: Yeah, and you've got a built-in safe topic of conversation. LORELAI: Yeah. Maybe I will. SOOKIE: Great. I think it's a great idea. LORELAI: All right, me too. I'll let you know how it goes. SOOKIE: Okay, I'll be here. [Phone rings] Ooh. Hello? Hey, Jackson. No. Whoa. Wait a -- wait a minute. Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. You did what? [Lorelai goes outside and dials her cell phone, a horse whinnies in distance] LORELAI: Hey. It's Lorelai. It's me. Hi. [Chuckles] Are you busy? Um, no, no, no. I just had a -- I had a quick question. It's kind of a favor, really. Um, my car is totally shot, and I need to buy a new car, and I just don't know anything about it, and I thought maybe sometime -- and if you don't have time, it's really no big deal -- but ma-- today? Oh...yeah. I mean, it doesn't have to -- sure. Yeah, we'll go look. Um, I don't know, like 1:30? Can you pick me up at the inn? Hey, thanks. Bye. [Lorelai looks surprised about the call] UNKNOWN STREET [Luke and Lorelai are in Luke's truck] LUKE: I was gonna put the radio on, but it's been pretty static-y lately. LORELAI: Oh, I'm fine. I don't need music. LUKE: Yeah? Okay. LORELAI: Thanks again for agreeing to come. LUKE: No problem. LORELAI: And again, I mean, it didn't have to be, you know, today. LUKE: Oh, no, you know, the diner was slow, and you can't keep riding that bike around. LORELAI: Why does everyone act like I'm a really bad biker? LUKE: No, hey, I didn't mean it that way. LORELAI: I'm just kidding. LUKE: Oh. LORELAI: It was a joke. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: So, um, April left, right? LUKE: Yeah, but she'll be back in June. LORELAI: Oh, for the big boat trip? LUKE: Right, right. LORELAI: That's gonna be fun. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Are you excited? LUKE: Yeah. [Chuckles] LORELAI: Oh, good. [Awkward silence] LORELAI: You know, I don't mind a little static. LUKE: I was gonna say, it actually doesn't work that bad. [Luke tries tuning in the radio] PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT [Rory is coming home as the door opens and Doyle comes out] SOOKIE: Have a nice life! RORY: Doyle, is everything okay? DOYLE: Oh, yeah, everything's great. My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with me, but other than that... RORY: She did? Why? DOYLE: Who knows? [raising his voice] Maybe because she's psycho! PARIS: [Screaming from inside the apartment] I am not psycho! DOYLE: Oh, yes, you are! RORY: What happened? PARIS: Take that back! DOYLE: Ask Paris. [screaming at Paris] I will not take it back because you are a certifiable nut job! [back to Rory] And, hey, if you find out why we broke up, let me know. RORY: Oh, but, Doyle, where are you gonna go? DOYLE: Crashing on my metro editor's couch for a couple of days, then I'll be back for my stuff. See you around. RORY: See you around. [Rory goes inside] PARIS: Is he gone? RORY: Yeah. What happened? PARIS: We broke up. RORY: But why? PARIS: I have a really big decision to make, and I'm not about to let him influence it. RORY: Was he trying to pressure you into staying in Connecticut next year? PARIS: Well, no, not overtly, but it was in the air. And statistically, taking into account my geographic and socioeconomic background, the chances of me remaining with my college boyfriend are slim. So how am I gonna feel in 20 years when I look back and realize that I based such a huge decision on some college guy who may or may not make the holiday newsletter cutoff? RORY: But you love him. PARIS: Yeah, well, I'll deal. RORY: Paris. PARIS: Look, I really don't want to talk about it, okay? RORY: Okay. PARIS: The good news is I came up with a point system to evaluate each institution based on faculty, earning potential, location, prestige, and perception of prestige, which I've decided is worth two points. I'm not proud of that but like you taught me with your U. Penn reaction, that's how the world works. RORY: Well, I'm glad to see you're making progress. PARIS: As if. Three more acceptances. It's crazy. I mean I always thought that I'd be able to decide between medicine and law based on the quality of schools I was offered entrance to, but at this point, it's a toss-up. Everyone wants me. RORY: Well, I'm sure you'll make the right decision. PARIS: Of course I will. What do you think the point system's for? RORY: Right. So, the mail got here. Anything for me? PARIS: Nothing from the times. RORY: [Groans] PARIS: It'll come. RORY: Yeah, I know. It's just waiting sucks. PARIS: Yeah, it does. [Rory checks the answering machine.] LUCY: Hey, it's Lucy! I just wanted to give you a heads up for tonight, 8:00 P.M., Rich Man's Shoe. Get ready to toast Glenda. That's what we named our new apartment. I'll tell you why later. PARIS: They named their new apartment? RORY: I guess so. PARIS: Weird. So, you're gonna go? RORY: Yeah, I was going to. Do you want to come? PARIS: I might as well. I mean Doyle and I were supposed to see a movie but guess that's not gonna happen. RORY: Paris, are you okay? PARIS: Yeah, I'm fine. Trust me, it's not like I've been dying to see "Blades of Glory" anyway. I'd better get started on my phone calls for the alumni surveys. [SCENE_BREAK] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Sookie and Jackson are in the living room looking at the remains on the dollhouse] PAUL ANKA (the dog): [Whimpering] JACKSON: I was admiring it, you know? And then I got to thinking that I could make Martha one, so I picked it up to see what the support system was like, only it was heavier than I thought, and, well, I dropped it. SOOKIE: You dropped it. JACKSON: Yes. And then I fell on it. SOOKIE: Jackson. JACKSON: I was trying to catch it! SOOKIE: You broke the only thing from Lorelai's childhood that she actually liked! JACKSON: I know. I know! SOOKIE: How could you? JACKSON: It was an accident. SOOKIE: Well why did you have to touch it? JACKSON: I told you, I was just looking at it. SOOKIE: Well, you look with your eyes, not with your hands. JACKSON: Well, maybe we could, you know, find a similar dollhouse. SOOKIE: Oh, good idea. Let's just sneak it in in the middle of the night like we did with Davey's goldfish. JACKSON: I'm just trying to think. Maybe I could try and put it back together? SOOKIE: Yeah, you're so handy. JACKSON: Okay, you know what? That's enough. SOOKIE: What's enough? JACKSON: I know what this is about, and it's not this dollhouse. SOOKIE: Of course it is. JACKSON: No, it's not. This is about me lying to you and you getting pregnant. SOOKIE: What are you talking about? JACKSON: All this anger you have toward me. That's where this is coming from. SOOKIE: It's not. I told you I'm excited about the baby. JACKSON: I know but that's not the same as forgiving me, which you haven't done. SOOKIE: Yes, I have. JACKSON: No, you haven't. SOOKIE: I have. JACKSON: You haven't. SOOKIE: I have. JACKSON: You haven't. SOOKIE: Fine, I haven't! Are you happy? JACKSON: No, I'm not. SOOKIE: Well... I don't want to be mad. I don't. [sits down on the stairs] It's just that every time my feet hurt or my back gets sore or Davey and Martha have a tantrum or get the chicken pox, I get scared about having a third kid. And then I feel bad for feeling like that, and then I get mad at you for making me feel like that. JACKSON: I understand. I do. Heck, I'm still mad at myself. It's just that at some point, you are gonna forgive me eventually, right? SOOKIE: It's just sometimes it feels really overwhelming. JACKSON: I know, but you got to let me back in. SOOKIE: I want to. I do. JACKSON: Okay. SOOKIE: Okay. You were thinking about making a dollhouse for Martha? JACKSON: She'd really like that, wouldn't she? SOOKIE: Yeah. She would. Boy, you really plowed into that thing. JACKSON: Oh, yeah. SOOKIE: Hm. CAR SALE YARD LORELAI: Hmm. LUKE: No? LORELAI: No. Sorry it's taking so long. LUKE: No, not at all. It's a big purchase. You're buying a car. You should take your time. I mean, I'm sorry if you feel like I'm rushing you. LORELAI: Oh, you're not. LUKE: No? Good. Because, you know, I've got plenty of time. LORELAI: Good, me too. LUKE: So, um, what didn't you like about that one, specifically, so we can kind of narrow things down? LORELAI: Um, the whole thing. I don't know. It's a feeling. It's hard to explain like with the wrangler, I just got in and I had a feeling. I didn't get the feeling there. LUKE: [Clearing throat] Yeah, right. LORELAI: Huh? LUKE: Huh. LORELAI: Hmm. LUKE: No, no. I just was clearing my throat. LORELAI: Oh. LUKE: How about a Prius? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, I can't. Rory has one. LUKE: She doesn't like it? LORELAI: No, she does. It's just we made a pact -- no matching cars. You know 'cause it's a slippery slope between matching cars and then matching sweatsuits. LUKE: [under his breath] Of course. LORELAI: Huh? LUKE: I just said, "of course." LORELAI: Oh, okay. Yeah I'm sorry if this is frustrating for you. LUKE: Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. It's not frustrating at all. It's fun. But, I mean, look, if you want to leave -- LORELAI: Oh, no, no. No, no, I'm having fun. LUKE: Good. Good, good, good. So, what about a little hatchback? LORELAI: Oh! Well, let's see here. [Opens the door and looks in.] Hmm. It's got a power thingy in the console. That could be convenient, you know, if I need to use a hair dryer if I'm running late. LUKE: That's useful. [Cell phone rings] LORELAI: Oh. Excuse me. LUKE: Yeah okay. LORELAI: Be right back. [On the phone] Yeah, you know how Jack Bauer should torture terrorists? Make them go car shopping with their exes. SOOKIE: [Still at Lorelai's] Still awkward, huh? LORELAI: Still? I'm gonna buy a car just to get out of here. SOOKIE: No, don't. Just leave. LORELAI: I want to, and I can tell that he wants to, but neither of us want to say that we want to. SOOKIE: Oh. LORELAI: Yeah, I don't know how Ryan and Farrah do it, 'cause this whole friendship thing is not working out. SOOKIE: Oh. It'll be possible, eventually. LORELAI: I guess. I just can't take it anymore. What's going on? SOOKIE: Hmm? LORELAI: You called me. SOOKIE: Oh! [Chuckles nervously] Well, um, I just wanted to see how things were going, and now you told me -- really, really bad. LORELAI: Yeah, add about 10 reallys to that. SOOKIE: Wow, 12. That's, um, wow. [Chuckles nervously] Okay. Well, I'll talk to you later. LORELAI: Yeah, okay, bye. [puts on a smile before turning to Luke.] LUKE: Everything okay? LORELAI: Yeah, great. LUKE: All right, good. Look, I was talking to the salesman. He said there's a bunch of other models that way. LORELAI: Great. LUKE: Okay, so... [Lorelai is sitting in a new Jeep] LUKE: Well? LORELAI: Well. LUKE: You've been talking about your Jeep all day, LORELAI: I know. LUKE: Comparing other cars to it. LORELAI: I know. LUKE: Here it is. LORELAI: I'm sorry. LUKE: But I don't understand. It's the same car. LORELAI: It's not the same car. LUKE: What do you mean? LORELAI: What do you mean? It's different. LUKE: It's not different. It's just a newer model. LORELAI: No, it's different. The steering wheel, the seats are different, the cup holder. LUKE: Okay there have been improvements. LORELAI: They made some changes. LUKE: Improvements. LORELAI: Says who? LUKE: What exactly is bugging you? LORELAI: It's not bugging me per se. It's just it's different. I don't get that feeling. LUKE: Oh, for god's sake. LORELAI: What? LUKE: You're being ridiculous. LORELAI: Why? LUKE: You don't buy a car based on a feeling. LORELAI: No. You don't buy a car based on a feeling. LUKE: It's not just me. It's the whole rest of the population. LORELAI: Really? You took a poll, and you know how everyone else buys their car? LUKE: I don't have to. I already know what they're gonna say. LORELAI: Well, I am the person buying the car, and so the only opinion that matters is mine. LUKE: Oh, that is so like you. I mean this is bathroom tiles all over again. LORELAI: I was right about the tile. LUKE: No, you weren't. LORELAI: The tile was too big for the bathroom. LUKE: Tiles are not too big for a bathroom. You buy the amount of tiles based on their size that fit into the room you are tiling! LORELAI: So narrow-minded. LUKE: That's not narrow-minded. Okay it's sane, and here's a news flash for you, okay? Sports cars don't think they're better than other cars. Okay. Hatchbacks don't have SUV inferiority complexes. LORELAI: Now who's ridiculous? LUKE: And sedans aren't afraid to get dirty. LORELAI: You know what I think it is? That you're hungry. LUKE: What? No. LORELAI: Sometimes you get like this when you're hungry. LUKE: I'm not. LORELAI: I think I have some cookies in here, some Oreos. LUKE: I'm not and besides I wouldn't eat anything that came out of that bag. LORELAI: They're in a wrapper. LUKE: I can't believe you still haven't cleaned that thing out. LORELAI: Please. LUKE: How much time do you lose a day looking through that thing? 5, 10 minutes? Multiply that by a year. I bet you'd gain a month if you just took an hour and cleaned it out, but no -- what? LORELAI: Nothing. LUKE: You're smiling. LORELAI: What? No. You've got low blood sugar. LUKE: I do not have... okay, are you gonna buy a car or not? LORELAI: Not. LUKE: Okay can we get out of here, then? LORELAI: Gladly. LUKE: And we're not listening to any of that crap on the radio. LORELAI: It's not crap. LUKE: Yeah, it's crap. LORELAI: It's Air Supply. You know what you need a milkshake. LUKE: We're not stopping for a milkshake. LORELAI: Okay let's rock, paper, scissors. LUKE: No, no, no. LORELAI: So you forfeit? LUKE: No, I... [Opens the truck door for her] LORELAI: Well, that's how it goes. If you don't play the game, then you forfeit. LUKE: Let's get you in the car. [Guides Lorelai in] LORELAI: That means a giant milkshake for you, my friend. LUKE: We're not stopping. LORELAI: Chocolate. That's gonna set you up. LUKE: We're not stopping. Not gonna happen. LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR [Sookie and Jackson are sitting on the front steps, Paul Anka is near them] LORELAI: Hey, guys. SOOKIE: Hey, Lorelai. JACKSON: Hiya. LORELAI: How's it going? SOOKIE: Oh, we're just enjoying the afternoon. It's such A...nice day out. Come join us. LORELAI: Okay. SOOKIE: Hey, how'd it turn out with Luke? LORELAI: Oh, he got mad at me. SOOKIE: I'm sorry. LORELAI: Oh, it was so great. I mean we've been so polite to each other, and I knew he was frustrated with me, and I was definitely frustrated with him, and finally, he snapped, and we started bickering, and it was nice. SOOKIE: Ah. LORELAI: More normal, you know? SOOKIE: The fighting got you over the hump. LORELAI: Yeah. I cannot find a car, though. SOOKIE: Did you see anything you like? LORELAI: No. I mean kind of, but they all have this new-car smell, which apparently people like, but I don't like it. I like the way my old car smelled and the way the zipper got stuck on the window and the little place where Rory signed her name in permanent marker. SOOKIE: Lots of memories, huh? LORELAI: It was the first new car I bought and the car I taught Rory to drive in, and I know I have to move on. I know that whatever new car, tractor, float, I get will be great. It's just been a more emotional experience than I thought. SOOKIE: Makes sense. JACKSON: Yeah. It does. LORELAI: What's wrong with you two? SOOKIE: We have to tell you something, and it's really bad timing because we're talking about memories, and the thing we have to tell you was associated with a lot of memories, but we have to tell you, so I'm just gonna tell you. LORELAI: What is it? SOOKIE: Jackson broke your dollhouse. LORELAI: [Gasps] Oh. How broke? SOOKIE: In a box in pieces. Trust me, you don't want to look. LORELAI: Oh. JACKSON: I am so sorry. SOOKIE: No, it's my fault. I had you on edge. I had him on edge. We're both so sorry. LORELAI: Oh, no, that's okay. It was an accident. SOOKIE: Well, the good news -- not good news. I mean, the not-quite-so-devastating news is that we found someone online that is apparently a wizard with, you know, restoring dollhouses, and we're driving all the pieces over there tomorrow. LORELAI: Oh, thanks. I'm sure it'll be fine. SOOKIE: Yeah, everything can be fixed, huh? LORELAI: Yeah. Is that why you guys are sitting out here? SOOKIE: Pretty much. LORELAI: Oh. You want to head on in? SOOKIE: Sounds good. [Chuckles, Lorelai and Jackson her Sookie up] Yow. RICH MAN'S SHOE [Rory, Paris and Lucy are sitting at the table as Olivia comes back with some food] LUCY: That's a living room, and our bedrooms will be here. OLIVIA: We're gonna put partitions up. Aesthetically, Japanese screens would be nice. LUCY: But privacy-wise, we definitely need partitions. RORY: Well, it looks great. LUCY: Oh, it's not great. OLIVIA: Nowhere near great. LUCY: What it is, is cheap. OLIVIA: Which is even better than great since the gallery is paying me $21,000 a year, and I'm gonna have to start paying off student loans. How, I don't know. LUCY: We'll make a budget. You'll swing it. OLIVIA: I hope so. RORY: Is it near the subway? LUCY: That's the best part. It's right near the "W" then you transfer to the 7 or the "N." OLIVIA: I wouldn't say it's the best part. It's definitely a schlepp. LUCY: But it's a doable schlepp. OLIVIA: Totally doable. If you get the Reston, you should look in our area. RORY: Oh, I definitely will. Um, hey, is there student housing at Columbia? LUCY: You got into Columbia? PARIS: Yeah. LUCY: You should go! How much fun will it be when we're all in the city? PARIS: Maybe. Are you gonna finish that? [Drinks the last of Rory's beer. RORY: Uh, no. Go for it. LUCY: Olivia, darts? OLIVIA: You're on. Let's play for the bedroom with the window. [They leave] RORY: Paris, are you okay? PARIS: Me? Yeah, sure. RORY: Come on. PARIS: I just miss him, you know. It's hard. RORY: I know. You didn't have to break up with him, though. PARIS: Yes. I did. RORY: Well, if you thought that he was pressuring you, couldn't you have just talked to him about it? PARIS: He wasn't. RORY: Well, then why? PARIS: It was me, okay? Doyle said to make my decision. He said not to worry about him. He said wherever I went, we'd work it out. So I tried, you know, not to think about him, to take him out of the equation, but I couldn't. Every time I tried to evaluate a school, I'd immediately think about it in relation to Doyle. "How close is it to him? "Is there a good newspaper nearby? What will the commute be like?" RORY: Well, those are all valid questions. PARIS: No, they're not. This decision is the culmination of everything I've ever worked for, everything. I should choose a school based on its merits, not based on its proximity to some guy. RORY: But Doyle's not just some guy. PARIS: I know. But I'm only 22. This wasn't supposed to happen yet. I wasn't supposed to meet the guy until I was 30 and clerking for a federal judge or finishing up my residency and when I knew where I'd be when I was ready to settle down. RORY: Yeah, but you can't plan everything. I mean, you fell in love. That's a good thing. PARIS: Are you willing to make a decision this big based on Logan? RORY: Well, actually, we talked about it, and we're gonna factor each other in. PARIS: What does that mean? RORY: It just means we're gonna take each other into consideration when we make decisions. PARIS: Okay. So carry that thought out. Let's say you get The New York Times fellowship and Logan's meetings in San Francisco go incredibly well and he wants to move there. Do you take a job in San Francisco? The chronicle is a perfectly adequate paper. Or do you go to The New York Times? RORY: The New York Times. PARIS: Then we're saying the same thing, aren't we? RORY: No, not at all. PARIS: You're saying your career is your priority over your relationship. RORY: They're both priorities. PARIS: But your career comes first. RORY: Well, I didn't say it comes first. I -- I'm just not ready to make any sacrifices in that area yet. PARIS: But you are willing to make sacrifices in your relationship. Hence, your career is more important to you, just like me. RORY: Well, I wouldn't say "more important." I guess I just thought that if Logan and I have to do long-distance again, we'll make it work. PARIS: Sure. Maybe. Then again, choosing to be apart might be... choosing to be apart. LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR NIGHT [Luke drives up in his truck and goes to the front door.] JACKSON: Oh! Hey, Luke. LUKE: [Surprised] Hey, Jackson. JACKSON: How you been, man? LUKE: Uh, not too bad. JACKSON: You want to come in? LUKE: Uh, no, that's okay. Is Lorelai here? JACKSON: Yeah, hang on. [shouting] Lorelai, it's Luke! We thought you were the pizza guy. We're getting pizza tonight, with pepperoni and meatballs and sausage and those extra-crispy, cheesy garlic knots, and we're eating everything on the couch. LUKE: Well, that sounds...fun. JACKSON: Yeah, right! [raising a plate of food] Chicken-nugget appetizer? LUKE: I'm good, I'm good. LORELAI: Hi. LUKE: Hi. JACKSON: Oh, well, good to see you, buddy. LUKE: Yeah, you too. LORELAI: What's going on? LUKE: Okay, here's the deal. I borrowed Kirk's computer, and Zach got me on this craigslist thing, and I found a 1999 Jeep wrangler for sale. The guy actually doesn't live too far from here, so I went to see it. It looks like it's in pretty good shape. So I ran the VIN number. It's got a clean history -- no accidents, no failed emissions. And the guy said he kept it up pretty good, and there's nothing really wrong with it. So I took it for a test drive, and it drove fine. So if you want to keep your old car, for whatever crazy feeling it gives you, okay? Then buy this guy's car, send it to gypsy. She'll take the engine out, put it in the old car, which makes absolutely no sense because you'd basically be paying the same amount of money to fix your old car as you would be paying to get into a new one. LORELAI: But I'd still have my car. LUKE: Yeah, gypsy said it'll take about two weeks to finish. Here's the number of the guy, Larry. That's his name. I already negotiated him down 1,500 bucks. Tell him you're Lorelai, Luke's friend. He'll know. LORELAI: Thanks, I will. LUKE: It's still a completely ridiculous idea. LORELAI: I know. LUKE: Al right [Starts walking away.] And, you know, in the meantime, if you're still riding that bike around, come by the diner. I'll put some air in your tires. LORELAI: I don't need air in my tires. LUKE: You need air, and you need a light and a bell so people know you're coming. LORELAI: What if I don't want people to know I'm coming? LUKE: I'm putting on a bell! LORELAI: No, you're not! LUKE: What do you have against bells? LORELAI: I don't like 'em. LUKE: Well, you don't have to like them. They're a safety feature. LORELAI: I want a horn! LUKE: Fine you want a horn, I'll get you a horn. Are you happy? [Lorelai smiles and nods] LUKE: Jeez. [Luke starts the truck and drives off] PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT [Morning, Rory and Paris having breakfast] PARIS: So, I don't know where I'll be, but I think I know what I'll be. RORY: Really? PARIS: A doctor. RORY: Oh, Paris, that's great. PARIS: It's always been my dream, you know? Last night when I was lying in bed watching the ceiling spin... RORY: I told you that last drink was a mistake. PARIS: It just became perfectly clear. I've always wanted to be a doctor, for as long as I remember. When I was a kid, I used to cut the heads off my dolls to see what was inside. RORY: I'm guessing you didn't put that on your applications. PARIS: I let myself get swayed by the promise of black-card corporate America, but the truth is I want to be a physician -- always have, always will. RORY: Well, I think it's a very noble profession. PARIS: Oh, yeah, definitely. It's as close to being god as you can get. DOYLE: Hey, Paris. Hello, Rory. RORY: Hey, Doyle. PARIS: What are you doing here? DOYLE: I live here. PARIS: Uh, yeah, but we agreed you'd be the one to move out. DOYLE: About that -- I changed my mind. PARIS: It's inappropriate for my best friend to be living alone with my ex-boyfriend. DOYLE: I don't want to live alone with her. No offense, Rory. RORY: None taken. PARIS: We can't all live together. We're broken up. DOYLE: Actually I changed my mind about that, too. PARIS: What do you mean? What is he talking about? RORY: I don't think he wants to break up. DOYLE: That's right I don't. Oh, and by the way, I think you got into two more med schools -- Washington University and Duke. You know I never saw myself living in St. Louis or North Carolina, but who knows? Maybe I'll end up there. PARIS: What are you talking about? DOYLE: I love you, Paris Geller. You are the strongest, most infuriating, most exciting woman I have ever met in my entire life, and there is no way I'm gonna let you go. PARIS: You don't have a choice. DOYLE: Sure, I do. Just because you don't want to base your decision on me doesn't mean I can't base my decision on you. PARIS: That's absurd. DOYLE: Anywhere you go, I'm going. PARIS: We're too young to do this! DOYLE: Maybe you are, but I'm older and a heck of a lot more mature. PARIS: So... you're saying that if I go to Alaska, you're gonna move there, too? DOYLE: Well, I've always wanted to go dogsledding. PARIS: That's ridiculous, with your low threshold for cold. [Paris and Doyle go into the bedroom as Rory checks the mail, she finds one for her from the James Reston Fellowship] [Continuing to hear Paris and Doyle from the other room.] DOYLE: I'll wear warmer clothes. PARIS: You're not thinking clearly. DOYLE: I've never been clearer. PARIS: Keep in mind I'm not going to look for a school with good newspapers nearby. DOYLE: Keep in mind that the internet is taking off and I can write freelance from anywhere. PARIS: So that's your plan -- to be a freelance journalist? DOYLE: No, my plan is to be with you. PARIS: Why are you doing this? DOYLE: Because I love you, okay? PARIS: Well, I love you, too. DOYLE: That was sweet. PARIS: Shut up. [Rory opens the letter, with Paris' lucky letter opener. "We regret to inform you..." She didn't get the fellowship and looks stunned.]

Lorelai heads to Luke's for her first breakfast there in a while -- overall, it's an awkward experience for them both. Later on, when Lorelai's Jeep breaks down, Luke helps her shop for a new car. They argue and fight, which Lorelai thinks is ultimately a good sign. Paris considers breaking up with Doyle so she can be free of influences when it comes to picking which law or medical school she will attend. Rory receives a letter that will certainly influence her future plans.

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[N.B. The transcript has not been divided cleanly in half, owing to the extended length of the U.S. broadcast version. So, Acts One and Five have been transcribed by Nick Hartley, and Acts Two, Three and Four by Mike Lee.] Skyline: A rainbow arcs out of the building line and touches the first letter of the title. ACT ONE Scene One - An Airplane Cabin A rather pensive Frasier Crane is sitting on a plane, looking out of the window. It would seem the plane is going through some turbulence - a jolt of which is especially felt by Anne, the young lady in black sitting next to him. Frasier: [calmly] You all right? Anne takes a deep sigh and turns to him, still pressing herself into the seat. Anne: [embarrassed smile] I hate flying. Frasier: Just a little turbulence, we'll be through it in a minute. Another jolt makes Frasier doubt his words. Frasier: Mother of God! Anne: This is so embarrassing. I mean, I treat people for this. I'm a psychiatrist. Frasier: Well, there's a small world, I'm a psychiatrist too. [putting out his hand:] Dr. Frasier Crane. Anne: Ooh, I've heard your show. [returning the handshake:] Dr. Anne Ranberg. [N.B. Anne Ranberg is a blend of the names of two previous Frasier writers; Anne Flett-Giordano and Chuck Ranberg.] Frasier: Lovely to meet you. Anne: Nice to meet you. Now, don't let me interrupt you. You seemed kinda deep in thought. Frasier: Oh, I suppose I was. It's been a rather eventful three weeks for me. Anne: Well, if you want to talk about it, it might get our minds off the flight. Frasier: It's really rather personal... It's nothing you'd be interested in. Anne: [accepting] Okay, then. They sit back comfortably into silence but after another jolt of turbulence... Frasier: So I was dating this woman... Anne: Mmm-hmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Bedroom The scene takes us back with Frasier's story. Frasier and Charlotte are wrapped in each other's arms in his bed. They look perfectly serene. Charlotte: [drowsily] Weren't we on our way to lunch? Frasier: Yes, but then you followed me in here when I came to get my briefcase and uttered the fatal phrase that no man can resist. Charlotte: [laughing] I said I liked your pillow shams. Frasier: Nice try, my little temptress, but I'm down for at least an hour. Charlotte: [laughs and caresses his face] Do you still have time for lunch before work? Frasier: Well, my show doesn't start till two, and it's only... Frasier looks at the clock to see how many more Frasier hours Charlotte will be able to clock up. Frasier: [jumps up in bed] Oh dear God! It is two o'clock. SMASH CUT TO: Radio Station Roz is stressing on the phone as an even more anxious Kenny bursts in. Kenny: Where the hell is he? Roz: I don't know. [hanging up] I called his cell, I called his house... You're going to have to go on for him. Kenny: Me?! Roz: Yeah, you - well, I'm not. Last time I did it, it was a total disaster! [N.B. An obvious reference to [10.2] "Enemy at the Gate," when an overconfident Roz took over Frasier's show, and ended up letting slip over the air that she and Frasier had slept together.] Roz: Aren't you always saying you used to be a DJ? Kenny: Oh, twenty years ago, I can't do that anymore! Roz: Well, it better come back to you, you've got five seconds. Roz pushes him into the presenter's booth. Kenny: I can't! I'm a nervous wreck! My palms are sweaty, my mouth is like cotton... Roz directs him to the microphone and instantly Kenny becomes a hideous D.J. monster with a voice sounding like the voice-over narrator on movie trailers after a bad dose of helium. Kenny: Hey, Emerald City, Kenny Daly heerrre! Master of the Mike, Baron of the Booth, the Man of the Hour, too sweet to be sourrrr! [puts on headphones] The doctor's ouuuut today, but Kenny's heerrre - filling the seat, takin' the heat! I might even throw in a call or two to Grandma Gert. [typical old lady's voice:] But no kids, I hate kids! [back to the voice of D.J. Daly Hell] Whoo-hoo, she's in a mood today! Kenny looks up at an unbelieving Roz. However, he fails to translate the signals being made by her boggling eyes, and just grins. CUT TO: Frasier's Bedroom Meanwhile, back in the bedroom... Charlotte is listening to Kenny's ramblings as Frasier dresses in the bathroom. Kenny: [v.o. from the radio:] Who's this coming into the booth? Why, it's Percy Von Snootenheim! Frasier: [o.s. from the bathroom] Turn that off! Charlotte complies as Frasier comes out of the bathroom dressed for work. Frasier: I'm sorry I have to rush off. I wish we could spend the whole day together. [leans in to kiss Charlotte] Charlotte: I don't leave for Chicago until midnight. I'll, I'll come over and make you dinner. Frasier: Oh that sounds great, I'd love that. They touch hands and then part. Charlotte: Any requests? Frasier: Uh... I liked what I had for lunch. Charlotte: [blushing] Why don't I just surprise you? Frasier: Still sounding like lunch. He laughs and leans in to kiss her again. CUT TO: Radio Station Back in the studio, Roz's mind begins to shut down as she listens to Kenny embarrass himself further. He is sat with his feet on the console, and the microphone in his hands. Kenny: Isn't that a great song, people? Really brings back the memories. Sorry I kinda forgot the words there in the middle. So let's toss it to the news! [clicks a button with vigor] Frasier sneakily enters from the producer's door. Roz: Where the hell have you been? Frasier: I'm sorry, I am sorry. I had a doctor's appointment, it couldn't be helped! Frasier enters the presenter's booth and relieves Kenny of his duties. Kenny: Just in time, Doc. This turned out to be one of your better shows. Frasier: Well thank you, Kenny. Frasier sits in worry to find his angst rising when an old friend suddenly appears in the booth. Behold, the return of Special Agent Bebe Glazer - licensed to make you a star! Bebe: Darling! Frasier: Bebe?! What are you doing here? Bebe: [flinging her arms around him] I just came by to see my favorite client, [kisses him on the cheek, then turns to Kenny] and the wonderful man who's giving him such a happy, happy home. Kenny: Ah, you're the best, Bebe! Bebe smiles as she shuts the door on him, and then in a heartbeat turns to Frasier and says: Bebe: Good news, I'm busting you out of this hellhole! Frasier: What?! Bebe: Did you ever hear of Dr. Mark Reisman? [N.B. Mark Reisman is a reference to a man of the same name who previously worked on "Frasier" as a producer.] Frasier: The San Francisco radio psychiatrist? Yes, we had a nice encounter once at a conference. Bebe: Well, last week he had a not-so-nice encounter with a falling air conditioner. She sticks her tongue out and gestures to her throat as if to slit it. Bebe: Anyway, they want you to replace him and the money's huge! Frasier: Poor Mark... what a ghastly way to die! Bebe: Yes, I cried so hard it was all I could do to stuff your demo tape in the Fed-Ex pouch. But they want you! Frasier: Well, it's very tempting, Bebe, but I'm very happy here in Seattle. I don't want to leave. Bebe: Darling, it's San Francisco! Do you know what life is like there for a good-looking straight man? You'll be like a Snickers bar at a fat camp! She knows just what to say to tempt him mightily. He considers it for a moment, then... Frasier: [resisting the Bebe temptation] Uhhh... No. My answer is still no, Bebe. I've got to begin my show. [sits down] Bebe heads to the door and to the next stage of her plea. Bebe: Well, that's gratitude for ya! Do you have any idea the lengths I went to to make this happen? [opens the door] Frasier: Wait a minute. You were in San Francisco last week. Don't tell me...! Bebe: I was nowhere near that air conditioner. [teasing:] You're worse than the police. Bebe giggles like the Devil and leaves Dr. Faust-ier without his soul. [SCENE_BREAK] THE GULFS MAY WASH US DOWN Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment - Kitchen We are presented with a visual image of Charlotte's opening line: her cooking at the stove, Frasier behind her with his arm wrapped around her waist, nuzzling her affectionately. Charlotte: We are such a clich ! Little woman at the stove, big rugged man with his brawny arm... Frasier: Oh, the hollandaise is breaking! As she turns her attention to the imperilled sauce, Frasier removes his brawny arm and enters the living room, carrying a bottle of wine. Reset to: Living Room The table is set for two. Martin, dressed in his suit, enters from his bedroom. Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going out with Niles and Daphne? Martin: I'm waiting on Ronee. Frasier: Yes, well, Charlotte is leaving for Chicago in three hours. This is our farewell dinner. Charlotte enters, carrying two plates. Charlotte: Oh, hi Martin. Martin: Oh, hi, how are ya? Don't worry, we're leaving. I'm not going to spoil your romantic mood. [shouts down the hallway:] Hey, Ronee, what, did you fall in?! The doorbell sounds. Frasier: Good heavens, I thought that you were meeting them downstairs. Martin: [heading to the door] That's what I thought too. Martin opens the door to find a befuddled Kenny Daly. Kenny: Hey, Martin. Oh, thank God you're home, Doc. I'm going a little crazy, I need some advice. Frasier: [trying to excuse him] Kenny, we just put dinner on the table. Kenny: Oh thanks but I'm too worked up to eat. Doing your show today, I... I got the fever! I want to get back behind the mike. But should I quit my job, throw away my whole career and financial security just to chase some cock-a-mamie dream?! Frasier: [with a big smile] Yes! Off you go! Kenny: You didn't even have to think about it! You always believed in me, Doc! Kenny throws his arms around Frasier in a zealous hug. He suddenly spots Charlotte and, whilst still hugging Frasier, holds out his hand. Kenny: Hi. Kenny Daly. Charlotte: [shakes hand] Hi, nice to meet you. Frasier: This is Charlotte. Kenny: [welling up] I'm getting all messy here. Let me just pop into the powder room real fast. Kenny leaves to the powder room as Martin shouts back down the hallway. Martin: Ronee! While we're young! Ronee: [enters] Too late! [to Frasier] Well, have a great evening, you two. Frasier: Yes, thank you. Bye. Ronee: Oh damn it, my contact slipped, hang on. Ronee opens the powder room door. Kenny: [o.s. from the bathroom] Whoa! Ronee: Whoa yourself. [closes door] Do we know him? The front door opens revealing the terrible twosome... nearly threesome. Niles: Knock-knock. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! Niles: Now, I know it's your special night but my very pregnant wife insisted we come up. Daphne: [holding up her hands, pushing her legs together] Oh sorry, won't be a minute. Daphne goes for the powder room door. Kenny: [o.s. from the bathroom] Whoa! Daphne: [closes the door] Oh, sorry! I'll just run down the hall. Charlotte: Maybe I'll start over on that dinner. Daphne leaves as Charlotte excuses herself to the kitchen. Martin, Niles, and Ronee, to Frasier's great frustration, sit down to wait for Daphne. Niles: I'm sorry for intruding, but nowadays Daphne can't go ten minutes... we're late for everything. Frasier: Yes, well, you know how Chez Henri hates it when people are Late, so I tell you what, why don't we call for that elevator right now... He energetically goes to the door, urging everyone to follow him. Frasier: And tell Henri that the first round of drinks is on me! Frasier opens the door to find another surprise. A drunken surprise. Of English heritage. Simon: Whiskey, please! Frasier: Simon?! Simon: Oh Frasier, how are ya? [greets Frasier with a hug] Frasier: Please leave immediately. Simon bellows a laugh as Daphne returns. Simon: Hey! Oh, there's my little sister. You're not so little any more now, are you? [he advances to her pregnant bump] Daphne: [stands back from the drunk smell] Simon, what are you doing here? Simon: Well I heard you was knocked up so I, er, brought you a present. Come on in, lads! Richard E. Grant and Robbie Coltrane enter... um, sorry, I mean Daphne's brothers, Michael and Stephen Moon, enter from the hallway. Daphne greets them with excitement. Frasier and Niles greet them with immediate concern. Michael: Hello, sis! Daphne: Oh my God, Michael! [hugs him] And Stephen! [hugs him] Simon: We knew you'd be here when we went to your house and you wasn't there. Stephen: So we took the liberty of leaving our things in your guest room. Niles: How did you get in? Michael: [mumbled, pointing at Niles] How did we... They burst out into a fit of boisterous laughter. It should be noted that all of Michael's speech is mumbled, which combined with his thick accent makes his speech very hard to understand. Think of the character of Joseph in "Wuthering Heights" and move west over the Pennines. I must say, Coltrane's attempt at the Mancunian accent is easily the best seen so far on the show. Interestingly, he is also a Scot in reality, just like Brian Cox, who played Daphne's father, Harry. --Nick Hartley [N.B. Think also of Brad Pitt's character in Guy Ritchie's "Snatch." However, I notice that Nick is uniquely qualified to make some sense of it. The American transcribers doing the closed captioning for the episode simply wrote, "unintelligible gibberish." --Mike Lee] Daphne: Stephen and Michael, this is my husband, Niles. [hand shakes occur] Oh and his brother, Frasier. And this is Martin and his fianc e Ronee. And, er, [looking over at the previous occupant of the bathroom] sorry, your name again? Kenny: Kenny. Daphne: Kenny. Michael: So, lads, I tell you what... [mumbling] You've a lovely 'ouse. [motioning around the room] It's come rhand thee're, rhand thee're... [mumbling unintelligibly] he's done bloody well for himself. Simon: That's right, Michael. Frasier does very well for himself. Tell you what, let's take the tour. Frasier: [hands up] There will be no tours! Martin: Listen, uh, why don't you guys join us for dinner? Stephen: Good, I'll lay the table. [picks up cutlery] Is this real silver? [attempts to bend it] Frasier: Give me that! [takes it off of him] Michael, meanwhile, is man-handling Frasier's Chihuly glass sculpture. Michael: Oh, wow, see, platey, platey, platey... [mumbling unintelligibly] It's a bloody great ash tray. Frasier: [shrieks in terror] Put that down! He rushes over and takes it from him in disgust. [N.B. Since the Chihuly is genuine and valued at upwards of $75,000, what Robbie Coltrane and Kelsey Grammer are juggling may well be a replica.] CUT TO: Kitchen Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Charlotte is back cooking at the stove, smiling happily - unaware that Simon is the man fondling her from behind. Charlotte: [teasing:] You know, we could have some real fun if you got rid of some of those people. Simon: Oh, just give us a minute then, love... Charlotte screams and runs into the lounge. Simon follows. Reset to: Living Room Frasier runs over to catch Charlotte coming out. Charlotte: Who is that creep? Simon: You know, I'm getting some very mixed signals. Frasier: All right, that's it! I want you all out of here! [pushing Simon] And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre's-on-fire stampede! They all leave but Simon holds up for a second. Simon: Yeah, all right, okay, I can take a hint, Frasier! Right. Look, that's a lovely woman that you've got for yourself. Congratulations. He hugs Frasier. Frasier: Yes, thank you. Simon: Yeah, yeah. [looks over Frasier's shoulder at Charlotte and gestures to her] Give us a call, I'll be at Daphne's... Frasier: Oh, get out of here! Frasier pushes him out and finally slams the door on them for the peace with Charlotte he desired. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Apartment, three hours later. Frasier and Charlotte are finishing up their final game of Scrabble. Frasier: Because it's not a word. Charlotte: Yes, it is. Frasier: No, it's not. Charlotte: Yes, it is. Frasier: Use it in a sentence. Charlotte: "Her grandmother's bed was warm and... quilty." Frasier: [looking at another of her words] And why is she lying there? Because she's feeling all "befevered" again? Charlotte: [smiling sweetly] Could I borrow your "F"? I've got a little message for you. He chuckles. Charlotte's mobile rings. She answers. Charlotte: Hello. Okay, thanks. [hangs up] My car's here. Frasier murmurs in understanding. [N.B. In Laura Linney's recent film, "Love Actually" the trademark of her character was a stubborn refusal to turn her mobile off, no matter how many times it rang at just the right moment to kill romance.] Frasier: I still don't know why you won't let me drive you to the airport. Charlotte: No, I can't stand all that airport goodbye stuff. This is better. [goes to gather her belongings] Frasier: Right. Uh, well then... Frasier and Charlotte walk towards each other. Charlotte: Let's not... Frasier: ...right. Charlotte: [tearing up] Because if you start... Frasier: Yeah. Me too. Okay. Well then, uh, good luck in Chicago. Charlotte and Frasier look into each other's eyes. Frasier is in the middle of yet another goodbye. They hug dearly. Charlotte: Thanks. Frasier: Got your ticket? Charlotte: [looks in bag] Uh, yeah. Frasier: Great, great. Oh, oh, [darts to set of drawers next to toilet] listen, I have a little something here for you. Charlotte: Damn it. I knew you were going to do something sweet like that. I didn't get you anything. Frasier: It's just a hair band I found in the shower drain. He presents the lost band to her. Charlotte: Thanks. Frasier: Yeah. [chuckles] Uh, let me get your coat. [he does] Charlotte: This wasn't supposed to be so hard. Frasier: [helping her on with her coat] I don't know about you, but I've had enough easy goodbyes. I'm kinda glad to have the chance to have another tough one. Charlotte: [putting her hand in his] Thank you for a great three weeks. They kiss goodbye. Frasier: Bye, Charlotte. Charlotte: Bye, Frasier. She leaves. Frasier looks back at his empty apartment and begins to slowly walk back to the sofa. He is stopped by a knock on the door. He opens it to find Charlotte back again. Charlotte: Forgot my scarf! Frasier: Oh. Oh, my fault. He tenderly winds it around her neck. Frasier: Right. They tentatively kiss once more goodbye. Frasier: Bye. Charlotte: Yeah. She leaves. Frasier looks back again at his once more empty apartment and begins to slowly walk back to the sofa only to find another, albeit similar, interruption. He opens the door again... Charlotte: Cell phone. Frasier: Oh. Yes. Yes. Oh, here. Frasier goes round the room to take the cell phone off of the table. Charlotte chooses a different route. They make a move at the same times and bang their heads together. Both: Ow! Frasier: Sorry. Charlotte: No, it's my fault. Frasier: My word. Ah.... They look back at each other, clutching their heads. Charlotte: See ya. Frasier: See ya. She leaves. Frasier looks back and... you know the drill. Frasier: Oh for God's sake, what now? He opens the door and finds Charlotte open-armed. They hug passionately. Charlotte: We couldn't say goodbye on a head butt. They kiss passionately. Charlotte: Feel better? Frasier: Positively quilty. They part. For real. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Five - Apartment The next morning. Martin opens the door to Niles, carrying a shopping bag. Martin: Oh hey, Niles. Niles: Hey, Dad. Martin: What are you doing here? Niles: Escaping. I woke this morning to find Daphne's brothers playing a game called "I Can Reach It From Here." Give you a hint, the "It" was a toilet. And there were no winners. They sit at the dinner table. Niles: Oh, also I stopped by to see how Frasier's holding up. Martin: Well, he was asleep when I got home, and he's still in bed. Niles: He's probably depressed. I'm sure this whole Charlotte thing has got him bereft... Martin: Ooh, shh, shh! Frasier has entered - looking rested and serene. Frasier: Morning, Dad. Hey, Niles. They ad-lib greetings. Martin: Let me get you a cup of coffee. [goes to the kitchen] Frasier: Well, I can get it. Niles: [takes out a bag] I brought you some of those cookies you like. Frasier: Milanos! Oh, well thank you. Martin brings a tray from the kitchen. Martin: Now you just sit down, I made you a little breakfast. Frasier: I see what's going on. You think I'm in tatters because Charlotte's gone back to Chicago. Well, I'm not. [sits down] I'm not going to say I won't miss her like crazy. But we knew going in that our time was limited. We made the most of it. I have no regrets. The door opens to admit Simon, Michael, and Stephen. Simon: Morning! Frasier: Except for leaving that door unlocked. Daphne follows them in. Daphne: We thought you might like to join us for brunch. Frasier: Darn! ...Niles and I just reserved a squash court. Niles: Yes! And we're on thin ice with the appointments director as it is. He's already moved our lockers next to the flip-flop drop. Simon has already flopped down onto the couch. Daphne lowers herself into Martin's chair. Michael: [mumbling unintelligibly, gesturing around the apartment] ... this whole place... [mumbling] Simon: That's right, Michael, Frasier has a very nice flat. But you was here last night. Michael: ...Was I? Daphne: I think I need to sit down a minute before we go. [sinks into Martin's chair] Can you believe this baby might be two weeks late? Stephen: [patting her belly] He's a Moon, all right! Every lad in our family was at least two weeks late. Once we get comfy, nothing budges us. Right, lads? Simon/Michael: Right! Daphne: Could I get a glass of water, please? Niles: Glass of water, yes. [motions toward kitchen] Frasier: Right, right... Michael: Oh, Fras-or? Be a good lad... [mumbling, miming the shape of a can with his hands] nice big... [mumbling] Right, lads? Stephen and Simon yell and raise their hands. Michael: [holding up four fingers] Three! Frasier and Niles, at a loss, go into the kitchen. Reset to: Kitchen Frasier gets Daphne's water while Niles removes some kind of electronic device from the shopping bag he's carrying. Frasier: Do you have any idea what he's saying? Niles: Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped as a child. Frasier: Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael. Niles: He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy! Frasier: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there too. Niles: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money! That is why I am taking action. I was going to wait to do this until tonight, but I can see that every minute is critical. Frasier: What's this? Niles: This is called "The Born Musician." You put this speaker on the mother's stomach, and it bombards the baby with classical music, thus instilling a taste for higher culture. Frasier: Huh. Closest thing we had to that was Dad bongo-ing out "Babalu" on Mom's belly. They go back out. Reset to: Living Room Daphne is admiring a new watch on her wrist as Stephen looks on. Frasier: Here we are. Daphne: Niles, look what Stephen just gave me. You know who'll be jealous? Mrs. Zicklin from our building. Doesn't she have one just like this? Niles: [knowingly] No, I don't think she does. He exchanges a look with Stephen, who grins and swaggers back to the couch. Niles: I brought you a present too. This plays soothing music for the baby. You put this speaker here [places it on her stomach] just like that, and then if you want to hear a selection of, say - oh, I don't know, Vivaldi? - you turn this dial, and then... As Simon and Stephen sit up with interest, the baby kicks, knocking the speaker to the floor. Daphne: Oh, goodness! He's never kicked like that before. Stephen: We've got a little foot-baller in there! Simon: Finally we got something we can drink to! Michael: Well, let's go to the pub! Stephen/Simon: YEAH! They immediately rise and go to the door. Simon/Michael/Stephen: [singing] We hate Nottingham Forest, we hate Liverpool too... Simon: And Leeds! Simon/Michael/Stephen: We hate Manchester... They exit, leaving Niles even more anxious. Daphne: Are you coming, Martin? Martin: Oh, I'm still waiting on Ronee. We'll meet you at the restaurant. Daphne: Okay. Daphne exits. Ronee enters with the cordless phone. Ronee: Marty? Martin: Hmm? Ronee: I just got off the phone with the Branford Inn. They called to confirm our wedding reservation - for May 15th. Martin: But we're getting married July 15th. Ronee: Yes, but they have us down for May. Apparently July 15th is booked, along with every other weekend between now and October. Martin: What happened? Ronee: I don't know, you made the reservation. Martin: For July 15th! [to the boys] Well, I love how she blames me! Ronee goes into the kitchen. Martin: Why would I randomly pick a...? [realizes] Oh, no. Frasier: What? Martin: May 15th - Eddie's birthday. Ronee comes out of the kitchen, Martin hugs her. Niles: Well, I'm-I'm sure you can find someplace else. Martin: Oh, but we had our hearts set on the Branford Inn. It's where we had our second date. Ronee: Yeah, we had a little too much wine, and the couple at the next table said "get a room," and so we did. Oh, well, guess we better start thinking about Plan B. She exits. Martin: Oh, damn. Well, I just feel sorry for Ronee. You know, her first wedding was kind of bare-boned, and that's why she had her heart set on something special. You know, a fancy menu, swing band, flowers everywhere. You need that once in your life. While he has been saying this, Frasier and Niles have been exchanging looks with growing delight. Frasier: You know, Dad... Niles and I have been wondering what to get you for your wedding, and... maybe we could just give you the wedding. Niles: You still have the Branford Inn on the 15th. Martin: But that's, that's eight days away! You have to get a caterer, a justice of the peace... Frasier: Well, I can officiate. I still have my license from that time I married those commitment-phobes on my Valentine's Day show. Niles: Are they still together? Frasier: [raises a hand] Not the time, Niles. Ronee comes back in with her purse. Martin: Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy wedding together by May 15th. Ronee: But that's in eight days! The boys rise. Niles: Well, it only took us four days to throw together our seafood- themed "Friends of the Marina Bouilla-bash." Frasier raises a hand, inviting applause. Ronee: Well, all right, that-that's great of you guys, thank you! Martin and Ronee head for the door. Martin: Wow, what do you know? Ronee: Yeah, leave it to the Duke and Duchess to save our behinds! Martin: Yeah... Frasier and Niles stop grinning and look up. Frasier: I'm sorry, leave it to whom? Ronee: What, they don't know about that one? Martin: Just keep walking. They exit, leaving Frasier and Niles. Both: [pointing] Well, obviously you're the duchess... They start arguing hotly. [SCENE_BREAK] THE HAPPY ISLES Scene Six - The Branford Inn Jazz music is heard playing. The scene fades in on the dining room of the Branford inn, which has been sumptuously prepared. Caterers are still rushing about the room. Champagne and hors d'oeuvres have been laid on a buffet table, flowers adorn the windows - the whole nine yards. As the scene fades in, Frasier, wearing a morning suit, claps his hands and halts a group of dancers who have been rehearsing a swing routine. The male dancers are dressed like cops, the female dancers like showgirls. The music stops. Frasier: Dancers, rehearsal is over. Please wait upstairs. I don't want anyone to see you until the floor show. The dancers exit. A guest taps on the glass door leading outside, rather urgently. Frasier runs over and cracks the door. Frasier: I'm sorry, we're still setting up. He closes the door in the man's face and addresses Clint, the Inn's host. Frasier: Clint, would you please go outside and tell everyone they can't come in here until after the ceremony. It will spoil the entire reveal. Niles enters, adjusting the coat of his morning suit. Niles: You can't blame them, it's ninety degrees out there. It's dripping wet- [realizes] I hope our Chinese acrobats are sufficiently rosined. Frasier re-locks the door. Martin and Ronee enter, casually dressed. Martin: Holy Mackerel! Ronee: You guys are amazing! Frasier: Well, I'm glad you like it, you two, but listen, you've gotta go get changed, you're getting married in ten minutes. Martin: Oh yeah, sorry, traffic was bad. We got stuck behind this old bus. A church group, I think. Frasier: Good, our gospel choir is here! Niles, go make sure they're fitted with their angel wings and give them all a meal voucher! Niles, Martin and Ronee exit. Roz knocks on the glass. Roz: Frasier! Frasier cracks the door. Frasier: Roz, I'm sorry, I can't let you in, I know it's warm out there. I'll tell you what, go have a cool drink with Kenny. Roz: I just did, he told me all about his new D.J. job. Frasier: Oh, well good for him! I'll come down and give him a hug. Roz: Well, bring a towel, he just sweated through a hammock. This sucks! The softest boss we ever had is leaving. Come on, Frasier, let me in. He protests, but she pushes past him and immediately takes off her jacket. Frasier: Oh, all right, Roz. I can't say I blame you, it's like the Ninth Circle of Hell out there! Bebe sweeps into the doorway. Bebe: Do you love this weather or what? Frasier: Bebe! What are you doing here? Bebe: Your strategy worked, you genius. Frasier: What strategy? Bebe: Turning down the San Francisco job. They've offered you twenty percent more money, and thrown in a weekly TV gig on the morning news. Frasier: Television... well, that certainly sounds tempting, but, but my home is here! There are more important things than money! Bebe: Yes, I know. There's power. But money can buy that. Frasier: Bebe! Bebe: Fine! Bebe goes back to the open door. Bebe: You don't like the terms of the deal, I'll have another swing at it. [looks out] Did that old man just faint? Frasier: What? [runs out beside her] Oh, good lord! That's my cannon operator! At the end of the ceremony, he's supposed to fire that antique cannon. I'm not sure there's anybody else who knows how to work the damn thing. Oh... He shuts the door and turns back just as Niles comes running back in. Niles: Frasier...! Frasier: Niles...! Both: Disaster! Niles: Dear God, you first. Frasier: Our cannon man is down - heatstroke. Niles: Our flower girl is down - drunk. Frasier: The flower girl?! Niles: Apparently someone gave her champagne. Frasier: Who would give liquor to a six-year-old girl? He had to ask? - Simon, Michael, and Stephen enter in their suits, with cigarettes and glasses of champagne. Simon: Party's here, lads. Frasier: Simon! Did you give our flower girl champagne? Simon: I may have. [off Frasier's glare] Well, the poor little thing was nervous about getting her part right. Michael: Nervous. Daphne enters, leading Eddie wearing a little tuxedo and a lacey cushion strapped to his back. Daphne: Here's our little ring-bearer. Ronee will be down in two minutes. Frasier: Oh, great! Still no flower girl, and now no one to fire our cannon! Michael: [looks up] Cannon? Frasier and Niles look at him, surprised. Stephen: If it's a cannon you need fired, Michael's your man. Daphne: Oh yeah, he's a great one for shooting things. Which foot is it that's missing two toes? Michael: Um... [looks from one foot to another, then points to Simon's] That one! The three brothers bellow with laughter again. [N.B. Michael, of course, lost at least one toe to frostbite as a child - after his brothers rolled him across thin ice on a frozen lake. He'd be missing more if his family hadn't stopped him from sawing off the rest of them. For the full story, read [6.19] "IQ."] Frasier: All right then, come along, all of you. See if you can figure out this thing. He leads Michael to the door. Frasier: Now your cue to fire it is when I say, at the end of the ceremony, "ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane." You got it? Michael: Right... [mumbles unintelligibly at length]... Boom! He walks outside, leaving Frasier more uncertain than ever. Niles: Is Eddie growling? Daphne: It's his stomach. The poor thing hasn't eaten since morning. Frasier: Oh, for God's sakes, we can't have him rumbling up the aisle. Uh, give him some of that pate over there. As Daphne and Niles lead Eddie to the buffet table, Roz enters with Alice. Frasier: Ooh, Roz! Do you think that we could enlist Alice to be our flower girl? Roz: What do you say, honey? Alice: Sure! Frasier: Oh, that's splendid news! Here, here, take these rose petals. [gives her a basket] You're supposed to strew them in the aisle as you lead the procession in and out. Niles: You know what, I guess I'd better give our ring-bearer his precious cargo. Frasier sends Roz and Alice outside and shouts after them as Niles spoons some pate into a little dish and puts it on the floor. Niles takes the ring out and lowers it to the basket... Frasier: Roz, her cue to lead the procession out at the end of the ceremony is when I say, "ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane!" BOOM! Screams come from the guests outside, and Frasier jumps. Inside, Niles jumps higher, sending the ring flying up into the air. Frasier: NOT NOW! His nerves nearly shot, he closes the door, exhaling - then from outside comes the sound of tires squealing, a horn blaring, and a very heavy THUD. Frasier: [Walter Matthau] What the hell was that?! He runs out of the dining room, through to another exit. Daphne notices Niles peering around the floor. Daphne: What are you looking for? Niles: The ring. I dropped it when that cannon- Daphne: [sees it] It's in the pate! Eddie, no! Too late. Eddie has scarfed the pate and swallowed the ring. Frasier runs back in. Frasier: This is just our luck! When the gun went off, it startled a truck driver, he slammed into a lamppost. Now the entire roadway is blocked! Can anything else go wrong at this wedding? He looks up and sees Niles and Daphne's shifty looks. Frasier: What? [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] [The British broadcast of this episode ended with a tag featuring Daphne's brothers. In the U.S. it was broadcast as a straight one- hour show.]

While on a plane, Frasier meets a woman named Anne. They engage in conversation and in flashback, Frasier recalls the events preceding his plane ride: Frasier and Niles volunteer to put together a quick wedding for Martin and Ronee when the venue is only available for one day. Meanwhile, Frasier says farewell to Charlotte as she departs for Chicago. The wedding ceremony gets off to a rocky start when the guests are stranded outside in the heat and things get worse when Eddie swallows one of the rings. Daphne and Niles rush him to a nearby veterinarian and while there, Daphne goes into labor and gives birth to her and Niles' first son, whom they name David. Ronee and Martin get married at the vet clinic. Frasier's agent Bebe Glazer gets him an offer to do a television show in San Francisco, which Frasier initially declines but after realizing that he wants to start a new chapter in his life, he accepts. A case of communication breakdowns lead Martin, Ronee, Roz, Daphne and Niles to believe that Frasier is dying, an error given more substantial backing when he begins giving them each some of his most prized possessions, and when a doctor phones and leaves a message saying that Frasier's 'results weren't good.' The misunderstanding is soon cleared up and the family celebrates Frasier's new opportunity in San Francisco. Before he leaves, Frasier and his family share a tearful farewell and Frasier explains to them that with Martin and Ronee newly-weds and Daphne and Niles' newborn, David, and Roz getting the job of station manager at KACL they each have begun a new chapter in their lives and that he wants that for himself now. He then goes on to recite Tennyson's "Ulysses" which flows into him saying it in his last show. Frasier records his last show, with the people who work at KACL and his family watching him, his final words on his talk show are "For eleven years, you have heard me say 'I'm listening'; well you were listening too, and for that I'm eternally grateful...Goodnight Seattle", and hangs up his headphones before the episode flashes back to the plane, where Frasier has just finished relaying his story to Anne. In a final twist, the plane touches down not in San Francisco, but in Chicago. Frasier turns to Anne and says "Wish me luck...", then the episode (and the series) ends, in a perpetual cliffhanger. Episode Note: Niles and Daphne's son was named David in David Angell's honor.

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"The Boneless Bride in the River" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open - Brennan and Booth arrive at the crime scene - a River) BRENNAN: I'm supposed to be on vacation? You know, spending time with Sully. BOOTH: Oh, that's a good lesson for Sully then, huh? Next time he actually takes you 'away' on vacation, you should go away. You know, leave town. BRENNAN: Ha! You had a vacation and never left town. BOOTH: It wasn't a vacation, it was a suspension. BRENNAN: Plus compulsory therapy... BOOTH: Dude, don't' knock therapy, okay. Dr. Wyatt has help me realized that there are certain pressures that build up on the job and I need creative ways - BRENNAN: (Interrupting) We do everything together - BOOTH: ..of dealing with them. BRENNAN: What? What exactly do you have to contend with on the job that I don't? BOOTH: (laughs) You Bones. You don't have to contend with you. AGENT CHARLIE: So we've got a trunk. Looks like it's been wrapped with chains. Battered up pretty good. Most likely came thought the sluice ways upstream in Maryland. BRENNAN: Is it locked? AGENT CHARLIE: Not anymore, it isn't. BOOTH: Is there a body in there? AGENT CHARLIE: Sort of. (He opens the box to reveal what appears to be a flattened dead woman) Beats the hell out of me what the deal is with this one. BRENNAN: Head looks flat. Like the skulls been totally pulverized. AGENT CHARLIE: Maybe she got run over by a steam roller? BOOTH: Whoa. What are you saying, that she was killed by Wile E. Coyote? BRENNAN: Okay, I want the whole kip and canoodle transported to the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Kit and caboodle. RBENNAN: Whatever. BOOTH: Why don't we just wrap this up fast so we can get you back on your 'vacation'. BRENNAN: (sarcastically) Thank you. I'd appreciate that. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Autopsy Room- Zack and Angela are standing around the body while Cam examines it.) ANGELA: You have GOT to be kidding.. CAM: What's with the tone? ANGELA: You want me to take this - face - and build a skull for it? CAM: Can you do it? ANGELA: No. ZACK: You're always taking skulls and putting on faces. Can't you simply reverse the process? ANGELA: No. CAM: Why not? ANGELA: Because I am a human being. (they all look at each other) Is she missing every bone in her body? CAM: Her skeleton was removed. ANGELA: (she cringes) Oh. Alright. Leaving the third circle of Hell. But before I go, I think she's Asian. CAM: Don't base that on skin tone. She was boiled which is why we could only get partial finger prints. ANGELA: I'm not going off skin tone. I'm going off her hair. ZACK: I have an idea for the face, if you can remove the head from the rest of the skin sack. ANGELA: Please, God. I am not out of earshot yet. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Brennan's Office) CAM: The victim was boiled and a number of incisions were made from the top of the skull, around her right ear and down her right side. Then from the left foot, along the outside of the body, to her left hip. BRENNAN: Someone with medical training? CAM: Definitely not. An untrained hand, but a very sharp instrument. BOOTH:(looking queasy) Boiled? CAM: The entire skeletal structure removed. Then the skin was sewn back around the organs. BRENNAN: It doesn't fit any kind of ritual killing I've ever heard or read about. CAM: The organs are damaged, due to the clumsy cutting, but everything's there. Except the brain and the eyes. BOOTH: Oh, God. BRENNAN: It must have been difficult to remove all those smaller bones - like the phalanges. CAM: Well, it's all gone. I didn't even find one bone. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: The algae in the trunk is Cyanobacteria called Microcystis aeruginosa (Brennan gets up from her chair and heads towards the door) the size of the...scum colony indicates 8 days submersion....Dr. Brennan? (she stops and turns back towards him) Have I offended you in some way? BRENNAN: Dr. Saroyan said no bones, so you know what that means? I'm back on vacation. No bones, no Bones. (she turns to head out, but stops and turns back) I was the second "bones". CAM: Very witty. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Room) ZACK: Essentially, all we have to do is fill the empty head. HODGINS: Like a balloon. ZACK: Which is literally what we did. CAM: Oh, no. You did not. HODGINS: Put a bladder inside the head and inflate it very slowly. (head starts to inflate) CAM: This is..it's....absolutely... HODGINS: Brilliant? CAM: Useless. You need the exact shape of the skull to get a likeness. Not just a....this is...turn that off. ANGELA: Oh. My. God. You guys are perverse CAM: Dr. Brennan was right. Bone people, should only do bone things. ACT ONE (Cut to: Marina - day - Brennan is on the docks approaching "Dreamer") BRENNAN: Hello. SULLY: Hey. Dr. Brennan! BRENNAN: Agent Sullivan, I presume. SULLY: So, what do ya think? BRENNAN: I think you're very dirty. SULLY: Ooooh... BRENNAN: (points to cheek) You've got something SULLY: Oh. Oh. Uh, Come on aboard, here. So, I didn't think I'd see you for a couple of days. BRENNAN: I know it's strange, but I actually rather spend time with you than work. SULLY: Well, I'm flattered. BRENNAN: So, um, you renting it? SULLY: Well, uh, thinking about buying her. BRENNAN: Wow. Can you afford it? SULLY: Well, If I liquidate everything and borrow heavily? Not at all. BRENNAN: So you'd - you'd live on it? SULLY: Her. Ya know, live on Her. But before I commit, I want to spend the night on her with you. BRENNAN: What would that prove? SULLY: Call it sexual feng shui BRENNAN: I don't think that's a real thing.. SULLY: If it doesn't work for us, I don't want this boat - (Brennan cuts him off by kissing him) Wow. Apparently, you do think it's a real thing. (she kisses him again and the scene fades out) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Autopsy Room) CAM: I can't find anything on how to estimate the height of a body without bones. Does the skin stretch or contract without a skeleton? ZACK: Uh, boiled leather, immersed in water, would tend to stretch then contract as it dries. Maybe the principle applies. CAM: I'm finding bruising on the torso. I'll subject the tissue to reflectent spectroscopy to get a rough idea of when the blows were sustained and whether they were fatal. ZACK: Dr. Sayroyan? The face debacle taught me a lesson. I'm strictly a bone guy, like Dr. Brennan. CAM: Which is exactly why I called for you, Bone Boy. (Cam give a metal tray to Zack with a piece of bone on it) ZACK: A patella? CAM: Yes. X-rays showed it was lodged in the fatty tissue of the leg. ZACK: A bone! Something we can work with. CAM: It's just a knee cap, Zack. Don't get too excited. ZACK: To you it's a knee cap. To Dr. Brennan? It's the best part of a human being. CAM: Good to know. (Zack takes the tray and leaves) (Cut to: Marina - day - noises are coming from inside the boat as Booth approaches) BOOTH: Hey? (laughter is emitted from below deck) Ahoy the boat? SULLY: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah. I need Bones. Permission to come aboard or what? (he makes his way on deck as Sully's head pops out from the cabin) SULLY: Hey. Man. Uh, Is this important? BOOTH: Yeah. We got a bone. SULLY: Tell me about it. BOOTH: It's from the boneless girl.. (Brennan appears from the cabin) BRENNAN: Uh, what kind of bone? (Booth looks at the two of them as they look back at him, disheveled) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Lab) BRENNAN: (pointing to the screen) Here and here (she points to the screen) ZACK: Frontal spurring. BOOTH: Mhmm. What's that mean? BRENNAN: Zack? ZACK: A lot of time spent on the knees. BOOTH: Oh. She's either a nun or a prostitute. ZACK: No. The tendon attachments on the inside of the patella also suggest squatting. Which is not nun like behavior. BRENNAN: You didn't need to interrupt my vacation for this, you know. BOOTH: Well, you know. You said to call if a bone showed up and this is a bone. ZACK: The density of secondary osteon structures, suggest the victim was in her early 20's at the time of her death. BRENNAN: See, Zack is capable. You don't need me. (they all look at the computer monitor) An interesting shape. ZACK: Square rather than triangular. Classic nail-patella syndrome. BRENNAN: It's a genetic defect. Also known as Falling's disease. BOOTH: Falling's disease. Right. What's that? ZACK: Angela said the victims hair suggested Asian. BRENNAN: Our victim may have grown up in a non industrialized, rural environment. BOOTH: Well, early 20's, Asian, rural area? I'll check with immigration. BRENNAN: Zack will do an osteological profile on the bone, see if we can focus geographically, while I get back on vacation. (Booth looks like a lost puppy as he watches her walk away) ZACK: Wow. Dr. Brennan really likes that boat. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Angela's Office - Angela is going through faces in the Homeland Security Database) BOOTH: I thought you said you couldn't make a face. ANGELA: Did you hear about Zack and Hodgins and the balloon in the head? BOOTH: Ha. Was it as bad as it sounds? ANGELA: Yes. The least I could do was try to get her a face, poor woman. So, a boat, hmm? BOOTH: Oh, Sully? Yeah. Hmph. Last month, he wanted to live in a tree house. ANGELA: Hm. He's like me. BOOTH: Yeah. (he pauses and thinks) Ya know, I don't see that. ANGELA: Well, he's not really made for all this murder and corpses and empty eye sockets crap. He's a romantic. BOOTH: Unlike me? ANGELA: No. You're a romantic of a narrow kind. You live to catch bad guys. Sully lives wide. Hey, I got a hit off the Homeland Security Database. BOOTH: Li Ling Fan. ANGELA: Yeah, she's here on a fianc e visa from mainland China. BOOTH: Well, the fingerprints, it's a match. Print this up for me. ANGELA: Yeah, this is the victim. BOOTH: Okay, I'll got visit her fianc e tomorrow...and I, I live wide too. Far and wide. Alright? There's nothing wider than Seeley Booth. ANGELA: Okay then. My Bad. (Cut to: Drew Harper's House) HARPER: Ling Fan is dead. Are you certain? BOOTH: When was the last time you saw you're wife, Mr. Harper? HARPER: Fan wasn't my wife. BOOTH: Well, she immigrated here on a fianc e visa and you're listed as, uh, the fianc e. HARPER: We called it off. Mutual thing. BOOTH: Well, you see, I - I don't believe that. I mean, a poor girl from China travels thousands of miles away from her family to be with the man that she loves. Not like she has many options. So uh, when was the last time you saw her? HARPER: About a month ago. How did she die? BOOTH: Yeah, we're still, uh, we're still looking into that. HARPER: Foul play, right? I mean the FBI wouldn't be asking so many questions if it was an accident. BOOTH: So you, uh, you get off on all this uh - Asian stuff, huh? Martial Arts, weapons.. HARPER: I've dedicated my life to it. BOOTH: She had some bruising, your fianc e. HARPER: I don't know anything about that. BOOTH: These uh, weapons here, are they uh, genuine? HARPER: Knock offs. I can't afford the real thing. BOOTH: Really? Since when does a fence, worry about affording things? Details, like a criminal record, they tend to uh, come up during murder investigation. HARPER: Murder? BOOTH: Homicide. See, I've, uh, dedicated my life to it. (Harper springs up and jumps out the window as Booth chases him onto the roof) Booth: Whoa, whoa, whoa. (he watches as Harper flies off the building to the street below) BOOTH: Hey! ACT TWO (Cut to: Marina - day) BRENNAN: I've been on Arab dhows about this size, but I don't think I could handle one all by myself. SULLY: This is a lot more high tech than a dhow. BRENNAN: Why...why didn't you ask me to go out with you? I'm a good sailor. SULLY: Well, ya know, I've got to be able to handle her by myself. I'd much rather have a crew, you in fact, but what if you got conked on the head and ran off with a pirate? (Brennan laughs as booth appears behind them) BOOTH: Ahoy the boat. BRENNAN: (annoyed, scoffs) Booth. SULLY: Don't tell me. You found another bone. BOOTH: Well, I got this uh, Chinese book that needs translating. Maybe you, uh, got someone at the Jeffersonian we could, uh, talk to.. BRENNAN: No. I'm on vacation. SULLY: Well, he'll just keep showing up. Might as well pitch in and get the case solved. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Lab - Professor Shi Jon Chen ) PROF. CHEN: It's a ledger for buying and selling weapons. BOOTH: Illegal weapons. PROF. CHEN: Hm. One entry refers to this. (he points to a sword) It's a Jian, double edge sword.(he continues reading) A dergu....this fellow's not Chinese, correct? SULLY: How can you tell? PROF. CHEN: His characters are labored, overly formal. BRENNAN: Professor Shi Jon Chen is a highly respected cultural anthropologist who specializes.. BOOTH: Yeah. He's one of you. Yep. I get it. PROF. CHEN: You definitely didn't get all the weapons, including this - the Xing Shuang - Flying Horse - a very rare, ornate, dagger. BRENNAN: So what do you think, Jon Chen? PROF. CHEN: Obviously, he has a fetishistic slant towards all things Asian. A mail order bride would have been a thing to him, like these weapons. BRENNAN: What about the ritualistic removal of the bones? Could it be Minghun. PROF. CHEN: No. Definitely not. BOOTH: What's that, huh? PROF. CHEN: It's an ancient belief, in rural China, that if a young, unmarried male dies - his family should rebury his bones with the bones of a woman. BRENNAN: A bride for the afterlife. SULLY: Like a burriage or a marrial. BOOTH: Deading? (Sully & Booth laugh while Prof. Chen seems to be less than amused.) PROF. CHEN: But, I've never heard of anyone committing murder to get these bones. BOOTH: Well, then. We should, ah, pursue this avenue of investigation. BRENNAN: If you come across a Minghun, in which the origin of the bride's bones is unclear? You let us know. PROF. CHEN: Of course (he hands the book to Brennan and leaves) BOOTH: Alright, Sully, look. I want you to look into buying one of those ancient Chinese weapons. Leaping... Donkey? BRENNAN: Flying Horse? BOOTH: Yeah, whatever. See if Harper surfaces long enough to, uh, make the sale. (Cut to: Booth & Brennan in Booth's car - driving ) BOOTH: Homeland Security says the fianc e visa was, ah, expedited by a lawyer on a retainer into a smaller bride agency here in town called "The Perfect Wife" BRENNAN: Well, that sounds archaic. BOOTH: Well, ya know, in therapy I learned that superlatives like 'perfect' are, uh, meaningless. BRENNAN: Not in science. A perfect number is a number who's divisors add up to itself as in one plus two plus three equals six. BOOTH: Well, in therapy I learned that definitive statements are by their very nature, wrong. BRENNAN: Isn't the statement, '"definitive statements are by their very nature, wrong" defintive and, thus, wrong? BOOTH: You hate psychology! BRENNAN: You haven't said anything to change my mind. BOOTH: You know, this is exactly why I sometimes do think like shoot up an ice-cream truck. BRENNAN: Well, it's a good thing you had therapy. BOOTH: You know, we talked about you in therapy. BRENNAN: You did? BOOTH: mmhmm. BRENNAN: What did you say? BOOTH: Well, you know, since it was, uh, my therapy, I don't have to share details. Sorry! (Cut to: FBI / Interrogation Room - Booth and Brennan sit with Jackie Burrows, owner of the Perfect Wife, bridal agency) BOOTH: So you specialize in bringing brides over from Russia, Romania, China & Thailand? JACKIE: I've had over 500 marriages since I opened shop. I match the happy couple using an empirical system of reciprocal attributes. BRENNAN: You can't match humans empirically because the variables number in the tens of thousands. JACKIE: I never recommend a match with less than 200 points of compatible commonality. BRENNAN: Tens of thousands is way more than 200. BOOTH: That's great. Were Drew Harper and Miss Fan - BRENNAN (interrupting): Miss Ling. JACKIE: In Chinese nomenclature the last names first.. BRENNAN: ..and the first name is last. BOOTH: Great. We're they a good match. JACKIE: Sadly, I'm sorry to say, in the end, no. They decided not to marry. BRENNAN: Wha- What happened to Miss Ling after that? JACKIE: On a fianc e visa, the couple has 90 days to marry and if they don't, the bride is required to return to her country of origin. So, if Ling Phan is missing, it's probably because she went back home. BOOTH: Miss Fan is- (Brennanclears her throat, obviously annoyed and interrupts Booth) BOOTH: Li Ling Fan is dead, Miss Burrows. She was beaten. BRENNAN: Drew Harper may have killed her. Did that possibility show up in your 200 points? JACKIE (visibly shaken): Um, this is my background check on Drew Harper. You'll find that my screening process exceeds the minimum set by the Marriage Broker Act. BOOTH: Thank you, Miss Burrows. You can leave. (Jackie leaves) BOOTH: Well, Harper provided a completely false background. BRENNAN: Is that possible? BOOTH: A career criminal, fence? I mean, yeah. He can bring himself a whole identity based on false documents. I'm telling ya, this is definitely not a match made in heaven. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Brennan's Office) PROF. CHEN: I've been worming my way into observing the ceremony first hand, for two months. Through the grooms family. BOOTH: That'd be the dead groom. PROF. CHEN: Yes. Overtures are always made by the grooms family. Now I hear they will pay $25,000 for a bride. BOOTH: That would be the dead bride.. BRENNAN: Booth. You're being very judgmental. BOOTH: I apologize. I just think it's a little - (Brennan glares at him) PROF. CHEN: Apparently, they found our bride. BOOTH: Well, who is she..was she? You know, because she..she's dead. PROF. CHEN: My sources don't know anything about the bride. BRENNAN: Well, who got the $25,000? PROF. CHEN: Most likely, the brides family. BOOTH: Most likely? BRENNAN: My understanding is that before the Minghun, the bones are spread throughout the family members and then brought together for the reburial ceremony. PROF. CHEN: That's correct. BRENNAN: If you could get me a sample of one of the bones. Could check the DNA, see if it Li Ling Fan? BOOTH: Do you know where any of these bones are, Professor Chen? PROF. CHEN: I might know where maybe one bone is being kept. BRENNAN: If you could get me to a place where I could just look at the bone, you're subjects will never know I was there. PROF. CHEN: Alright. But you'll have to pretend to be....my girlfriend. (Booth smirks. Prof. Chen then turns to Booth) ..and her brother. BRENNAN (scoffs): Yeah, right. (Cut to: House of Mei Zhang - a relative with the dead son's bones) MEI ZHANG: (in Mandarin) You should have given me more warning that you would be bringing guests into my home. BRENNAN: What did she say? PROF. CHEN: Just hospitality stuff. MEI ZHANG: (in Mandarin) The young woman, she seems very nice and she is very beautiful, but your family would much prefer you find a girl more suitable. BOOTH: I don't need to speak Chinese to get that. She don't think Bones is good for you. BRENNAN: You just made that up! PROF. CHEN: Ah, Nailed on the head. BOOTH: Ha. PROF. CHEN: (to Mei Zhang in Mandarin) Perhaps some more biscuits? (Before heading into the other room, Mei Zhang goes over to Booth and pinches his cheek) MEI ZHANG: He is... You are very handsome. I've said, Caucasians don't usually look very prosperous but he has very special characteristics. PROF. CHEN: She said your face has character. BOOTH: Yeah, well all the older ladies say they like me. (Brennan gets up and looks on the mantle) BOOTH (whispering): Bones, what are you doing? Bones. Bones! BRENNAN (looking through the pots): These are traditional storage pots. PROF. CHEN: Please, Dr. Brennan. Whatever you find you promised not to disturb it. BRENNAN: No. I promised not to disrupt your study. Oh! (She finds the bone she was looking for and throws it towards Booth) BOOTH: Whoa, what is this? Is that human? BRENNAN: It's an ilium. Part of the hip bone. BOOTH: Ah. What am I supposed to do with this? PROF. CHEN: Dr. Brennan. Quickly, put it back. (She reaches in her bag and pulls out a replacement bone and puts it back into it's box right as Mei Zhang re-enters the room) MEI ZHANG (to Prof. Chen in Mandarin): What is she doing?! BRENNAN (in Mandarin): Your pots are very beautifully made. BOOTH: Did Bones just speak Chinese? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Bone Room ) BRENNAN: Definitely human. No sign of any cut marks. BOOTH: Well, is it Li Ling Fan? BRENNAN: No. It's male. CAM: So what? You got a part of the groom instead of a piece of the bride? BOOTH: Bones stole it. BRENNAN: Uh, not stole: swapped. BOOTH: From an old Chinese lady's mantle. BRENNAN: I brought a bunch of chimpanzee bones and pulled the old ah, switchamacallit. BOOTH: Switcheraroo. CAM: Whatchamacallit. BOOTH: Two different things. BRENNAN: These anomalies...whoever this was died of cancer. I'll get Zack to find the details, but this is definitely not Li Ling Fan. BOOTH: Maybe it's the groom? CAM: Makes sense. Especially if this is a - dead people bone marriage thing. (There is a knock on the doorway - it's Sully) SULLY: Uh, Temperance? Hey, um, ya got a sec? BRENNAN: Excuse me. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Cat Walk - Sully dangles a set of keys in front of Brennan) BRENNAN: You bought the boat. SULLY: Finalized this morning. BRENNAN: Wait. Sailboats have keys? SULLY: Well, no. Not, not really. These are the keys to the marina but ya know, it's symbolic. BRENNAN: Congratulations. SULLY: So I'm gonna tell you something and I want you to think about it a while before you answer. BRENNAN: Okay. SULLY: Well, you say okay, but it takes you microseconds to think things though. So this time I'd appreciate it if you, ah, took a breath 'cause - it's big. BRENNAN: What is it? SULLY: I'm headed south, in the boat to the Caribbean. BRENNAN: When? SULLY: When this case is done. BRENNAN: You quit the FBI? SULLY: No. No, not yet. I'll take a couple of months to get used to the boat. Ya know, really check it out and then I'll start running charters - probably for the Turks & Cacaos which is - BRENNAN: Your..You're really talking a lot. SULLY: I know. And I haven't even gotten to the main part. Which is, um, I really, really want you to come with me. BRENNAN: You do. SULLY: I do. (he moves closer to her) Look, take a sabbatical. There's more to life than, than corpses and murderers. You know, we do this job for too long, we get warped. I, I can feel it happening already and maybe you can too. Let - Let's run away together. (Brennan just looks at him and gives no reply) Well, ya know. Think about it. (she still doesn't say anything) Wanna hug? (she takes a step back) Okay, no. God, that's, that's a lot - lot to process, so just, ya know, I don't know, ya know let me know when you think that maybe - (she falls into him and hugs him, both seem to not want to let the other one go.) Okay. **ACT THREE** (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Angela's Office ) ZACK: Stage three sarcoma, M1 metastasis. ANGELA: Like Brennan said, caner. ZACK: Yes. Most likely it spread from prostate or testicular cancer. ANGELA: So it's definitely a guy. ZACK: If this is the groom, then he's Chinese. And according to Dr. Shi, most likely related, in some way, to the old lady - who kept him in a pot. ANGELA: Which should be enough to identify him through hospital records. (Zack leaves as Cam enters) CAM: None of Harper's weapons show any sign of being used to dissect a human being. No protein residue even under ALS. ANGELA: Is there any way to tell what kind of blade was used on the skin? CAM: Only that it was sharp and straight edged but I did find evidence of toxicity damage to the kidney. ANGELA: Wait? The victim was poisoned? (Cam nods.) I thought she was beaten to death. CAM: Well, the bruising could have been a result of Falling's disease. Toxicology identified the toxin as a root called lei gong teng. In small doses, it's an anti-inflammatory. In large - it has another name. Loosely translates as "walk seven steps and die". I'll have Booth check out Chinese herbalists. (As Cam exits, Brennan enters from another door) ANGELA: Want me to bring you up to date? BRENNAN: No. (she sits down - looking distraught) I want you to tell me what to do. ANGELA: About what? BRENNAN: Sully wants me to run off with him. ANGELA: Go. BRENNAN: For a year. ANGELA: Go. BRENNAN: He wants to run a charter boat around the Caribbean. ANGELA: Go. BRENNAN: He says I should take a sabbatical. ANGELA: Go. What is the downside? He's a great guy. This is a great idea. BRENNAN: I'll miss you guys. ANGELA: Oh, we'll meet you in Barbados. Look. You have been working every day since I met you. It's time to let another part of yourself out into the sun. With a bare chested man and a tropical breeze. (Brennan and Angela laugh - Zack re-enters the room) ZACK: William Cheng. Single. Age 27. Died 2 years ago of metastasizing prostate cancer. Great nephew of Mei Zheng. ANGELA: (looking at his picture) He looks nice. BRENNAN: (takes the file) Booth will want to talk to his parents. Fine out where they got the female bones in case it's Li Ling Fan. ANGELA: Listen to me, Brennan. Go. They'll still be murder and mayhem when you get back. (Cut to: FBI - Observation Room - Brennan & Shi Jon Chen watch as Booth questions two relatives of William Chang) PROF. CHEN: They're going to know this information came from me. You ruined my study. BRENNAN: They won't know for sure it was you. Their son's bones are spread all over the city. PROF. CHEN: They let me in on something very precious to them and now this. I broke the first rule of anthropology - minimize your affect on the study. BRENNAN: Do you really believe that your study is more important than catching a murderer? PROF. CHEN: You used to be dedicated to a much larger, timeless, truth. Now you're just a tool for those who have smaller concerns. (Prof. Chen leaves Brennan alone. She is stunned.) (Cut to: FBI - Interrogation Room) BOOTH: You buried your son, William, three years ago. My condolences. (neither parent says anything.) We have, uh, come into possession of one of his bones. You have no idea how this happened? (both parents still say nothing) Maybe you're planning on reburying your son with the bones of a younger woman to provide him love and company in the after life? (both parents continue to remain silent) Well, you see we need to know who this woman is because it's possible that she's a murder victim. (still nothing) You wouldn't want that, would you? (they remain silent - Booth sighs) Okay, well you give me no choice but to get an order of exhumation. (Cut to: Graveyard. Booth & Brennan watch as the casket is exhumed) BRENNAN: Sully bought that boat. BOOTH: Yeah? Ha. Next thing you know he'll be shipwrecked on some island talking to a volleyball. BRENNAN: He's leaving for the Caribbean. BOOTH: Really. (she nods) Look, I'm - I'm sorry, Bones. I - I know that the two of you were kinda hittin' it off - BRENNAN: He wants me to go with him. BOOTH: (looks a bit thrown) Oh. Oh..yeah... BRENNAN: He - he says I should take a year off, a sabbatical. He says it'll be fun. BOOTH: Yeah, it would be. BRENNAN: But you just said he'd be shipwrecked with a volleyball. BOOTH: Well, he's got you. He doesn't need the volleyball. BRENNAN: You think I should go? BOOTH: (he takes a moment) Yeah. (it's obvious that he wants to say no) Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know it's, uh, one year out of your life, huh? I mean a persons gotta - live wide. And this is kinda narrow. (The excavator hits the casket- makes a crunching noise) BOOTH: Oh. The coffin already? BRENNAN: It can't be. We're only two feet down. BOOTH: Oh, easy! Careful! (The coffin is opened up and money comes flying out of it) BOOTH: Is this fake money? (Brennan looks down into the coffin) BRENNNA: There's no body in this coffin. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Platform) HODGINS: There was a body in here. It was removed. BOOTH: What's with the fake money? BRENNAN: Chinese tradition. Send a loved one off to the after life well funded - at least symbolically. How long ago was the body removed? HODGINS: This little darling, this Phaenicia sericata, also known as the common green bottle fly. Now William Chang was buried in January, 3 years ago. Since the green bottle fly is only active in the summer months, I contend he was dug up last July or August. Which allowed maggots to be laid in casket to feast on... BOOTH: Okay, I got it. HODGINS: Oh, I can be a lot more specific.. BOOTH: No. No, ya know, "dug up last summer and distributed to the family" is specific enough for the FBI. HODGINS: He would have decomposed quickly. Buried in a pine box. Improperly sealed. Buried only two feet below the surface. Chang should sue that mortuary. BRENNAN: Because of the shallow burial? HODGINS: Yeah, and the decomp seepage into the fake money is um, au naturale. BOOTH: What does that mean? BRENNAN: The body was not embalmed. BOOTH: Alright, none of this is helping us solve the mystery of what happened to Li Ling Fan. BRENNAN: The funeral home was in on it. They wanted the body to decompose as quickly as possible. HODGINS: Full service mortuary. They perform funerals AND weddings for dead people. (Cut to: FBI - Booth's Office - Booth & Brennan speak with Joseph Han & his grandson, Nelson Han) NELSON HAN: Mortuary records show that we buried William Chang in a lead-lined casket. If you found another casket - BOOTH: Pine box. It was a pine box. JOSEPH HAN: Obviously, Mr. Chang was dug up and reburied. BRENNAN: Who embalmed William Chang? JOSEPH HAN: The records show that, ah, my grandson and I had that honor. BRENNAN: You're lying. BOOTH: William Chang was never embalmed. JOSEPH HAN: But you yourself said there was nothing but fake money in the casket. So how can you tell? BRENNAN: We can tell from the residue left in the empty casket. JOSEPH HAN: (he says something to his grandson in mandarin then - ) I'm sorry, but we can not help you. BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mr. - Mr. Han. Please. Sit down. Please just..(the two men sit) Here's what I think, okay. I think that you have some old Chinese traditions alive which are illegal in this country - BRENNAN: The minghun reburial ceremony. BOOTH: Well, I'm not concerned about - what I care about is if the bride was murdered. JOSEPH HAN: Murdered? BRENNAN: Our understanding is that Mr. Chang's family paid $25,000 for her bones. BOOTH: And people have killed for much less. So, uh, what part of that , uh, 25 grand came to you? NELSON HAN: Did the Chang's admit to paying that money? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: We found a cash withdrawal that they can't explain. JOSEPH HAN: But you are not even certain that William Cheng's minghun bride is this - murdered woman? BOOTH: No, sir. BRENNAN: But we can't know for sure that it isn't her without looking at the bones. JOSEPH HAN: If the bride were not this murdered woman, would you allow the ceremony to proceed? NELSON HAN: Grandfather! BOOTH: What ceremony? (Cut to: Graveyard. They watch as people - including Mei Zhang - place items in the casket for the minghun) BRENNAN: (to onlookers) We're very sorry to disturb you.. BOOTH: (to onlookers) FBI. I need to see the coffin. (the people start to move out of the way) We're sorry. (to Brennan) Take a look, Bones. Take a look. BRENNAN: Okay.. (she looks inside) Indications of cancer. I believe this is William Chang. Here's the chimpanzee ilium that I left. BOOTH: What about the girl? BRENNAN: Lots of score marks on the bones, congruent with flesh being removed from the skeleton with blades. I believe this is Li Ling Fan. (They look around - but everyone has left) BOOTH: Where is everybody? I guess we really broke up the party? Huh? **ACT FOUR** (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Platform) ZACK: Positive I.D. On both sets of remains. William Chang and Li Ling Fan. ANGELA: Wow. They kinda go together. CAM: Because they're deceased? ANGELA: Yeah. But more than that. They're exactly same level of hotness. CAM: Which is zero because they're skeletons. ZACK: The cut on the skeletal structure by the removal of soft tissue match the implements the FBI confiscated from the mortuary. ANGELA: She was ill, and he was ill. It's really too bad they never actually met. CAM: The mortician's lawyer advised him to clam up. The Chang's now say the $25,000 was used to pay off a family debt. ANGELA: You ever think they're spirits actually did meet and are working to get their bones together her on the psychical plane? CAM: You mean like we're possessed and doing their bidding? ANGELA: (sighs) You know what you people lack? Whimsy. It's a genuine handicap. CAM: Ther are four mortician's working at that mortuary and a half a dozen assistants. ZACK: Any one of them could've removed the bones and sank the skin in the river. Personally, I would have cremated the remaining skin and organs. CAM: No crematorium at that mortuary. ANGELA: I am gonna draw them a wedding picture. CAM: Okay. Well, you do that. We should find out who poisoned the victim and arrest him for murder. ZACK: Probably the, uh, bouncing, flying mail order husband. (he turns back to Angela) Does that count as whimsy? ANGELA: Well, you're handicapped, Zack. Someone really needs to throw a telethon for you. (Cut to: Booth and Brennan in a car watching as Sully prepares to meet Harper in the alley) BRENNAN: How did Sully find Harper so quickly? BOOTH: He didn't say. You know, Sully's a nice guy. BRENNAN: You sound condescending. BOOTH: I'm just trying to be nice, okay? I'm complementing the fact that you got a good one this time. BRENNAN: Thereby implying I'm incapable of making my own judgments. BOOTH: The physicist who couldn't tie his shoes? Oh, the former professor who was, uh, jealous of your own success. Should I stop? BRENNAN: Yes - BOOTH: Oh, the guy that you found on the Internet and ended up being some kind of recruiter for a cult. Oh, and this is my favorite - the guy who cut off his own brother's head because he thought he was possessed by a witch. BRENNAN: You made your point. BOOTH: Look I'm just saying a guy who wants to take you away from all of this on a sailboat - that's a step up. BRENNAN: Condescending. (Harper approaches Sully) BOOTH: That's our guy. BRENNAN: Okay, So when do we take him off? BOOTH: Down. We take him down when Sully puts his cap in his back pocket. (Sully put his cap in his back pocket) BOOTH: Now. Freeze! (Harper throws Sully over his shoulder and takes off running) BOOTH: Freeze! Harper! Geez, I told you he was fast. BRENNAN: (leaving over Sully) Are you okay? SULLY: Yeah. BOOTH: Great. Great. Fine. Sully, you chase him. I'll head him off, Okay? SULLY: Okay, okay, okay. (he and Brennan start to chase after Harper. While climbing up the fence in the alley - ) SULLY: Have you thought about my offer? BRENNAN: Yes. SULLY: What do you think? BRENNAN: This is not the time to discuss it. (They land on the other side of the fence and continue to give chase - Harper keeps alluding them) SULLY: The guy must be on meth. BRENNAN: Martial arts. SULLY: FBI! Freeze right there! (Harper grabs onto something and starts swinging over their heads and escape their capture) I said freeze! Freeze! Damn it! (They start chasing him again and then climbs up a fire escape) What is he, on wires? (Harper looks down at them and smiles. He thinks he's going to get away until Booth sneaks up behind him and hits him and knocks him down ) BOOTH: He ain't bouncing around anymore now, is he? (Sully and Brennan look up at Booth) See that? HARPER: I did not kill Ling Fan. BOOTH: Ah, then why did you keep running away, huh? HARPER: I'm a criminal, you're police. SULLY: Ling Fan didn't know anyone, that makes you a good suspect. BRENNAN: Sell her bones for $25,000. SULLY: Make up for the loss. HARPER: What loss? BOOTH: You paid $25,000 to The Perfect Wife Agency to bring her over. Probably another eight grand for the round trip ticket. SULLY: That's a lot of knife sales. HARPER: You people got it completely wrong. Chick doesn't work out, you get a full refund or a swap. I took the money back guarantee. BRENNAN: Really? SULLY: Oops. HARPER: I didn't lose a cent. It's the mail-order agency that's out all that dough. BRENNAN: What was wrong with her? HARPER: What? BRENNAN: Why did you send Ling Fan back? HARPER: Chick was defective, man. I'm a very active person. She moved slow, like an old lady. (to Booth) You meet the Flying Horse. BOOTH: Yeah. HARPER: That is a very good item. Maybe you still want to buy it? I'm gonna need bail money. (Cut to: FBI / Interrogation Room - Booth is interrogating Jackie Burrows while Sully and Brennan watch from the observation room.) BOOTH: So you wanna know what your first mistake was? JACKIE: Thinking you wouldn't find out about the refund? BOOTH: No. Your first mistake was killing Ling Fan. Your second mistake was keeping the poison the you used in your refrigerator. The third mistake was thinking that once we had you that the grandson at the mortuary, Nelson Han, that he wouldn't cooperate. I mean not only did he - (Sully walks over and turns off the speakers) SULLY: You know, Booth, uh, is a really good guy. BRENNAN: He says the same about you. SULLY: Really? 'Cause I figured he was the one talking you out of going with me. BRENNAN: No. He told me to go. Angela did too. Everyone thinks it's a great idea. SULLY: Everyone except you. But you're not gonna go, are you? (She shakes her head no) Why, Brennan? Sailing around warm oceans with someone who loves you? Please. Tell me what is holding you here. Look. I don't - I don't want to sound conceited but, um, I think I'm worth the risk. BRENNAN: You are. You definitely are. SULLY: Alright, well, you're the logical one. What's your thinking? BRENNAN: Rationally- (Brennan exhales) Rationally thinking, I want to go. And I know I should go but...I can't. SULLY: What you're doing, it's important. But it's not important enough to be your whole life. (He kisses her and then turns and walks out the door - leaving Brennan alone. She wipes a tear away from her eye as Booth - still in the interrogation room - gives her the thumbs up and leads Jackie out - they got their guy.) (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Brennan walks up on the platform and sees the skeletons of William Chang and Li Ling Fan laid out - side by side. She pauses to look at them - obviously affected - then heads over to the 'wedding picture' that Angela painted for them and picks it up - tears start to form in her eye again) (Cut to: The Marina - Sully, on his boat, looks back at Brennan - who is on the docks - and waves. She watches as he goes and waves goodbye back to him. Tears well up in her eyes - saying goodbye to him is hard for her - she really did care about him. As the camera pans, it reveals the name of Sully's boat "Temperance". Brennan turns to head home - only to see Booth on the docks behind her) BRENNAN: What are you doing here? BOOTH: I'm waving goodbye. See? (he waves) BRENNAN: What do you want? BOOTH: Breakfast. BRENNAN: I'm not hungry. BOOTH: Oh, come on, huh? What are ya gonna vomit when we come across one of those, uh, horrific cases? BRENNAN: I don't vomit. BOOTH: Give it time, Bones, okay? Give it time. Everything happens eventually. BRENNAN: Everything? BOOTH: All the stuff, okay, that you think never happens - it happens. You just gotta be ready for it. (Camera pans out as the two of them continue to walk up the dock together) (Fade to Black)

During Brennan's vacation, a woman's body is found with its bones removed. The team interviews people who knew the woman, but they all seemed to be hiding something. Meanwhile Sully tells Brennan he bought a boat and will be leaving for a year, at the end of the case, to tour the Caribbean; he asks Brennan to take a year-long sabbatical and go with him. At the end of the episode Sully sails off in his new boat, "Temperance", while Brennan waves good-bye, as she has decided not to go.

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THE RESCUE 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CAVE (The TARDIS materialises in a darkened cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. SPACESHIP (A Spaceship lies at the bottom of a mountainside in a desolate valley. It is long and sleek, like a rocket. It displays the serial number "201" and a Union Jack adorns one of the tail fins. The spaceship has broken in two upon landing and one half of it is at a slight angle to the other. It is obvious that it will never fly again. The only sign of movement is a radar dish spinning round on top of the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. SPACESHIP. LIVING QUARTERS (The dish is picking up a signal that is being relayed to a communications console inside the ship. A young GIRL runs into the ship from outside. She has medium length hair and wears a short black dress with a zigzag collar design. She runs over to the bleeping console. She picks up a microphone but thinks better of it and runs through a door next to the console, shouting as she goes...) GIRL: Bennett! [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SPACESHIP. CORRIDOR (She runs down a corridor, that is in the section of the ship that is broken in two, and runs up to a door.) GIRL: Bennett! The rescue ship's landed! Bennett, let me in! (She knocks loudly on the door.) BENNETT: (OOV.) Come in. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. SPACESHIP. BENNETT'S CABIN (BENNETT, a bearded, crippled man in his thirties, lies on the bed. The GIRL runs up to him, excited with her news.) GIRL: (Happily.) Bennett. The rescue ships landed! It's arrived. We're being taken back! Isn't it marvellous? BENNETT: (Dismissively.) Can't be the ship. GIRL: Its quite clear on the detector - listen! (The bleeping sound from the communications console reaches them in the cabin.) BENNETT: (Looks evasive.) Must be a fault, must be. Did you talk to them by radio? GIRL: No. I was going to but I ... I thought I'd tell you first. (Disappointed.) I thought you'd be pleased Bennett. BENNETT: The rescue ships not due for another three days. It can't even find Dido unless we guide it down. You know that. GIRL: But its showing on the screen! Come and look. I'll help you. BENNETT: Did you hear it land. GIRL: N ... no ... no, I didn't but it ... BENNETT: The rescue ship can't land silently. GIRL: It must have done. It's just got here early that's all. It is here. It's as plain as anything on the screen. BENNETT: What's its location? GIRL: I don't know. Somewhere on the mountain. BENNETT: Look, Vicki. I know how badly you want to get off this planet. We both want to get away but its no good building up our hopes. Go and radio the rescue ship. You'll find your mistake ... (VICKI'S look of hope fades. She nods and turns to leave.) BENNETT: And Vicki, watch out for Koquillion. (VICKI suddenly looks scared.) VICKI: I ... I haven't seen him today. BENNETT: He'll be around somewhere. And remember he knows nothing about the rescue ship. VICKI: (Nodding and nervous.) I ... I know. BENNETT: So be careful. If he finds out, he'll kill both of us. (She leaves. BENNETT turns over on his bed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. SPACESHIP. LIVING QUARTERS (VICKI returns to the main quarters and sits down at the communications console. She picks up a microphone, switches the radio on and tunes in.) VICKI: Planet Dido to rescue ship. Planet Dido to rescue ship. Come in please. Over. (The voice of the SPACE CAPTAIN comes through along with a great deal of static.) SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) Rescue ship to planet Dido. Receiving you on strength two. Over. VICKI: (Excited.) Is it true? Have you ... (She calms her voice.) Have you landed? Over. SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) Landed? We're still sixty-nine flying hours away. We're proceeding on a normal course. We shall ... VICKI: (Interrupting.) But you ... you can't be. I mean ... SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) Now don't worry. We'll be there. Try to hold on just a bit longer. We'll contact you for directions in seventeen hours from now. Repeat, seventeen hours. Breaking contact now. VICKI: No! SPACE CAPTAIN: (OOV.) Over and out. VICKI: No! (She tries frantically to re-establish contact.) VICKI: Dido to rescue! Dido to rescue! (She gives up the attempt and puzzles over the SPACE CAPTAIN'S statement.) VICKI: Sixty-nine hours away? (She looks at the radar contact, still bleeping and quite visible on the screen ... ) VICKI: Who's landed on the mountain? [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR lies asleep in his chair as the TARDIS completes its materialisation. BARBARA runs into the room with IAN. They go over to the console.) BARBARA: ...and you know how the ship has a ... a faint sort of trembling while we're moving? Well, I suddenly realised that it had stopped. IAN: I believe you're right ... Barbara. I think we have landed. But the Doctor's never slept through a landing before. (They go over to the old man and both gently shake him.) BARBARA: Doctor! Doctor! IAN: Doctor! BARBARA: Wake up! DOCTOR: Hmm? What's the matter? What is it? What is it? Oh good gracious me! Don't tell me I went off to sleep! (He rubs his eyes.) IAN: Yes you did! DOCTOR: Oh! IAN: And at a very critical time. Ah well! I suppose it did you a world of good. DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Deep in the arms of Morphius, eh my boy! (Laughs again.) Well, I feel a bit sticky. I must go and have a wash. BARBARA: Oh, but Doctor, the trembling's stopped. (He tenderly pats her face.) DOCTOR: Oh, my dear! I'm so glad you're feeling better! (IAN laughs quietly as he holds up the DOCTOR'S coat for him to put on.) BARBARA: No not me - the ship! DOCTOR: Oh, the...oh my ... I'm so sorry! IAN: (Helping him put his coat on.) Doctor, we appear to have landed while you were asleep. DOCTOR: What? Oh, I say! I must never allow this sort of thing again now. Must we? No! Well all we have to do is to turn the power off. (He goes to the console, presses a switch and the ship falls silent.) BARBARA: Then we have landed. DOCTOR: Yes ... er, (To IAN who is in the way.) excuse me, (To BARBARA.) materialised, I think, is the better word. Well now, lets have a look and see what's doing. (He walks round the console checking read-outs.) DOCTOR: Yes, the airs very good. The temperature. Yes, wh ... wh ... wherever we are, I think its nice and fine. (Yawns.) Oh, pardon me! Forgive me! I'm so sorry. Yes. Well, I must say, this looks most promising. Now, lets have a little look shall we? (He switches on the scanner. It shows the cave outside.) IAN: Very dark. Can't really make out anything at all. It looks very rocky whatever it is. DOCTOR: Yes. It does somewhat. Might be a cave, or ... even perhaps underground. BARBARA: You mean we could be trapped down here? DOCTOR: Oh. It doesn't necessarily mean anything my dear Barbara. We can of course, always travel through ... solid matter ... in flight ... and all, again, we can, we can take off again quite easily, no I do think we ought to step outside and have a look. I will too. Susan, er j ... (He suddenly remembers his loss. IAN and BARBARA look at each other with concern as a look of sorrow passes over the DOCTOR'S face. BARBARA steps forward and speaks gently to him.) BARBARA: Doctor, why don't you show me how to open the doors? DOCTOR: Hmm, y ... y ... yes, yes, yes, my dear of course, yes, er how silly of me, yes, er, number four switch. (He points to a control that BARBARA activates. The doors glide open with their normal electronic hum. BARBARA smiles.) DOCTOR: Very good! Very good! But you won't of course try to do that during transit will you? (He laughs. BARBARA raises her eyes to heaven. The three then walk outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. CAVE (The flashing light on top of the TARDIS illuminates their surroundings.) IAN: It is a cave. You were right Doctor. (BARBARA sniffs the air with a look of distaste on her face.) BARBARA: Strange funny smell. Doesn't smell like anything on Earth. DOCTOR: No, it doesn't my dear, no no, but I ... I do know that smell. IAN: Recognise it? DOCTOR: Yes, yes. More or less. Hmm. Hmm. (He turns back to the ship.) Oh, er, have a look round, I should, but don't go too far away. Remember we haven't had much luck with these caves during our travels. BARBARA: Well what are you going to do? DOCTOR: Oh, I think I'm going to have a nap! (Laughing, he goes back inside the TARDIS.) IAN: A nap! Huh, well that's a new one isn't it? He's usually the first one to be up and dashing off for a look. BARBARA: Oh maybe we're going to see a new side to the Doctor. IAN: Yeh, well he isn't getting any younger is he? You know, it's the first time he's been to sleep during a landing. Barbara, I've got an idea he's getting a bit (IAN makes a senile old man movement. BARBARA laughs. The door of the TARDIS suddenly opens and the DOCTOR pokes his head out.) DOCTOR: Remember I can hear what you're saying. (He points to a rock.) Pick up that stone for me would you? IAN: (Embarrassed.) Er, th ... this one Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes! IAN: Er, certainly. (He picks up the rock and passes it to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: (Smiling.) Thank you. (He goes back inside the ship. A look of relief that the DOCTOR didn't make an issue of his joke passes over IAN'S face.) BARBARA: All the old associations are still in the ship. You can't expect him to say goodbye to Susan and then forget about her the next minute. IAN: No, I suppose not. I wonder what she's doing now? BARBARA: If I know any ... anything about David, she's learning to milk cows! IAN: Yes, he's a nice chap David. BARBARA: Mmm. Come on. (She starts to head off but IAN points in another direction.) IAN: There may be a way over here, you know. BARBARA: Yes but I think the sun is coming through that way. IAN: Ah, so it is. (They walk out of the cave in BARBARA'S preferred direction and walk down a passage. Behind them a figure walks from the other side of the cave towards the TARDIS. Dressed in a long cloak, its hands seem to be claws and thorny spikes. It head is also covered in spikes and its eyes are on the end of two stalks. It carries a strangely shaped bejewelled club. It walks up to the TARDIS and stares down the passage that IAN and BARBARA have just taken.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. LEDGE (IAN and BARBARA exit the other end of the passage and find themselves on a ledge on a mountainside. IAN stares over the ledge.) IAN: Barbara! Look. (They see the crashed spaceship down in the valley below.) BARBARA: It's a spaceship! IAN: Yes ... broken in two. (IAN suddenly spots the union jack on the tail fin.) IAN: Can you see on the side! A flag! It's from home! BARBARA: Yes! You know it must have crashed. IAN: Yes, although you see those buildings? It might have been destroyed at the same time as they were on the ground. BARBARA: There's no movement. No sign of life at all. IAN: No, no there isn't, is there? Well, there must be people or ... things on this planet. BARBARA: Ian. IAN: Hmm? BARBARA: Are you going to tell the Doctor about this? IAN: Well yes, why not? BARBARA: Well, knowing the Doctor, he'll want to go down there and investigate. IAN: Well, for once, I'd agree with him Barbara. If there any of those crew members left we should get in touch with them. (BARBARA looks behind her.) BARBARA: (Scared.) Ian! (He turns round and sees the spiked CREATURE stood on the ledge behind them. The CREATURE speaks in a slightly high pitched but nevertheless menacing voice.) CREATURE: You are strangers here? (IAN and BARBARA say nothing but just fearfully stare at the CREATURE'S strange and exotic appearance.) CREATURE: Answer my question. Do you come from Earth? BARBARA: Er, yes. Yes, we do. CREATURE: Where is your rocket ship? IAN: (Nodding towards the passageway.) You've just come out of the cave. You must have seen it? CREATURE: You landed here ... in that box? BARBARA: Well I know it sounds fantastic but ... we have no reason to lie to you. IAN: Well, obviously you've had a good look around. Did you see any sign of another ship having landed? CREATURE: Are there any other crewmembers? IAN: Yes, there is o ... (BARBARA motions for him to be silent. He stops but realises that he's said too much not to go on.) IAN: One more ... he's back in the ship. CREATURE: I would like to meet him. Go and fetch him. I will take you all to the city. (IAN walks back towards the passage.) IAN: Coming, Barbara? BARBARA: Yes. (IAN walks into the passage but fails to spot that the CREATURE has stood in front of BARBARA to prevent her following. It raises it's club to scare her then lowers it.) CREATURE: Why are you frightened? (BARBARA walks backward towards the ledge, the CREATURE following.) BARBARA: Keep away. CREATURE: I am your friend. You can trust me! BARBARA: Can I? (The CREATURE pushes her back towards the ledge. Suddenly, it pushes her over and with a scream, BARBARA falls over the ledge to the valley, down below.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Even with his glasses on, the DOCTOR also needs a magnifying glass to examine the rock from the cave.) DOCTOR: Hmm, hmm yes ... yes, yes. Oh ... (He then examines his notes, tuts to himself, takes his glasses off and puts them in his pocket.) DOCTOR: My writing gets worse and worse! Dear dear dear dear dear. Well, undoubtedly, we've landed on the planet Dido. Hmm. How remarkable. Well, I must say. I'll be rather nice to meet these friendly people again after all these years. (Laughs.) Fancy landing back here again. Hmm! I wonder if I were to tell Ian that it was deliberate, whether he'd believe me or not? (Laughs, then.) Oh no, of course, I was asleep! Oh (He laughs again.) Pity! Pity! Pity! (Laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. LEDGE (On the ledge the CREATURE looks over the edge, then steps back and adjusts some settings on his club, pointing it at the passageway. There is a slightly high pitched electronic sound and then there is an explosion in the passageway. Rocks come tumbling down ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CAVE (IAN is runs towards the rockfall but is pushed backwards by the force of the explosion. The noise brings the DOCTOR out of the TARDIS, coughing and spluttering in the dust.) DOCTOR: (Coughs.) Chesterton! Chesterton! Where are you, my dear boy? Oh, I can't, Oh, I can't see anything! (He runs back inside the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. BOTTOM OF THE CLIFF (BARBARA lies unconscious at the bottom of the cliff with the branch of a tree lying on top of her. A shadow falls over her as someone finds her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CAVE (The DOCTOR comes out of the TARDIS carrying a large torch.) DOCTOR: Chesterton! (IAN groans. The DOCTOR hears this and runs towards the sound. He finds IAN slightly stunned sat against the wall of the cave.) DOCTOR: My dear fellow! Are you alright? IAN: (Weak and breathless.) Barbara ... DOCTOR: What? Where is she? IAN: Barbara ... I thought she was with me. I ... I heard her scream ... DOCTOR: Steady, steady, steady ... IAN: I went back and ... an explosion. DOCTOR: Come on, come on, get your breath back. (He helps him to stand upright.) DOCTOR: Now, now then, you alright? IAN: Yeah ... DOCTOR: well, lets try and look for her shall we? IAN: Yes ... yes ... this way ... DOCTOR: Be careful now, be careful. (His arm round IAN, They hobble towards the passage) DOCTOR: Oh, good gracious, the whole roof's fallen in! IAN: This blocks the cave! Barbara! (They start to try and unblock the passage.) DOCTOR: Oh I hope we shan't get another fall. I don't think the TARDIS is likely to ... (IAN gives up trying to shift the rockfall.) IAN: No use ... Doctor! ... this wasn't an accident. DOCTOR: (Shining the torch in IAN'S face.) Wh..wh..what are you talking about, my boy? IAN: Oh it was a ... thing, repulsive thing with a ... hideous face. DOCTOR: With hands and feet like claws? IAN: Yes, that's it? How do you know? DOCTOR: Well this is the planet Dido. I've been here before, I know them very well. IAN: What? DOCTOR: They're very friendly people. IAN: (Incredulous.) Friendly? DOCTOR: Yes! IAN: Oh, it certainly wasn't friendly to us! Must have kept Barbara, that (Suddenly remembers.) ... that scream! Barbara! (He turns back to start pulling at the rockfall. The DOCTOR pulls him back.) DOCTOR: Oh don't for heavens sake start scratching there. Try and find another way out. This thing, was it armed? IAN: No, no, it wasn't. Wait a minute, it was carrying ... some sort of jewelled club ... about so long. DOCTOR: With a big head, resembling a spanner? IAN: Yes. DOCTOR: Yes. IAN: I don't know why you bother to ask. DOCTOR: Yes, that may account for this. IAN: What? DOCTOR: When I was here last time, if I remember rightly, they'd just perfected this thing. It's a ray, used in construction work. IAN: Ahh ... DOCTOR: Now look here, what about Barbara, are you alright? Are you capable? IAN: Yes I'm not too bad. DOCTOR: Come along! Don't just sit there my dear boy, stand up, stand up (Laughs.) Come along, that's it, mind your head, it's only dust, (He dusts IAN down.) DOCTOR: No bones broken? Eh? IAN: Thank you Doctor, the most thorough going medical I've ever had! DOCTOR: Yes, it's a pity I didn't get that degree, isn't it! (They laugh. The DOCTOR hands the torch back to IAN.) DOCTOR: 'scuse me. (They come out of the passage into the main part of the cave.) IAN: You say these people were friendly? DOCTOR: Really. Very friendly people. IAN: If that's a sample, I'll take the Daleks anytime. DOCTOR: (Dabbing his forehead with his handkerchief.) Now look here, you take yourself off there (Points.) and try and find Barbara. IAN: Yes. DOCTOR: Come along and be careful. IAN: Yeh, we need to be careful. These people are dangerous.. (He walks off leaving the DOCTOR quietly pondering.) DOCTOR: But why ... why ... what could have happened to changed them? I wonder? [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. SPACESHIP. LIVING QUARTERS (VICKI is rearranging some blankets on a bunk. She hears a noise outside the closed door of the ship and jumps back. She grabs some rocks off a console and sits with them quickly at a table. The door opens and the CREATURE walks in.) CREATURE: You have been outside. Stand up! (VICKI does as instructed.) CREATURE: What were you doing? VICKI: (Nervous.) I ... walking. CREATURE: In future, you will go no further than fifty yards from this ship. (VICKI closes her eyes in fear.) You understand? (She nods. The CREATURE comes nearer.) CREATURE: You were dragging something. A sack? VICKI: Ohh ... just some stones, I ... I, I collect them. They're very beautiful. (She holds them up. The CREATURE knocks them out of her hand and walks towards the door that leads to BENNETT'S cabin.) CREATURE: I'm going to talk to Bennett. Remember you both owe your lives to me. VICKI: I ... I heard a sound (The CREATURE turns back to face her.) ... from the mountain ... a, an explosion. CREATURE: A space machine has arrived. VICKI: People? CREATURE: A warlike people! They wanted to pillage the ship! I could not save them from my people, as I do Bennett and yourself. They're walled up in a cave. If they're not dead already, they will die of hunger and thirst. VICKI: (Shouts.) I bet you never gave them a chance, you could have ... (The CREATURE holds up its club. VICKI gasps and squirms as she realises she has gone too far ... ) VICKI: I'm sorry! CREATURE: Remember, I am the only one who can save you from my people. You should be grateful! I am your only protection! (The CREATURE walks off towards BENNETTS' quarters closing the connecting door behind it. VICKI goes to listen at the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. SPACESHIP. CORRIDOR (The CREATURE goes up to the door of BENNETT'S cabin and tries to open it.) BENNETT: (OOV.) You can't come in. KOQUILLION: It is Koquillion! Open the door. (The door opens and it walks in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. SPACESHIP. LIVING QUARTERS (VICKI hears this and goes back to the bunk. She pulls the blankets back, to reveal BARBARA.) VICKI: Koquillion has just seen me helping you here. I knew he would. I knew. He knows everything. Everything! BARBARA: Well, tell me ... VICKI: Shhh! He'll hear you! BARBARA: (Whispers.) Oh, alright! VICKI: Please stay there. He might come back. You don't know him like I do. BARBARA: Yes, but listen, what's your name? VICKI: Vicki. BARBARA: That short for Victoria? VICKI: No, just Vicki. V,I,C,K,I. BARBARA: I'm Barbara, look, tell me more about this Kokillion. VICKI: He just keeps us here, Bennett and me. There's a rescue ship on the way. He doesn't know about that. But he'll find out. I know he will. BARBARA: But why does he keep you here? VICKI: They ... they killed all the crew. We ... when we landed we, we made contact here. Everyone on board was inven, invited to a grand sort of meeting. I couldn't go, I was ill, a fever or something. I stayed here that night. I remember waking up, a thunderstorm I thought, but is was an explosion. Bennett ... Bennett ... dragged himself back. I was ill for days, I didn't know about it 'til later. I came around and ... found Bennett. He can't walk. We just wait and then Koquillion. (She collapses into sobs on BARBARA'S shoulder.) BARBARA: Well, if his people killed all your crew, why did, doesn't he kill you. VICKI: We don't know. My father was taking me ... my father ... (She starts crying again at the memory, and as BARBARA watches sympathetically, wipes away her tears.) VICKI: Your ship, is your ship still here? BARBARA: Yes. VICKI: (She starts and turns to BARBARA.) I've just remembered. He told me tha ... didn't you hear him? Th ... they killed all your crew too. (BARBARA considers this appalling news.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. PASSAGEWAY (IAN and the DOCTOR walk along a narrow, mist filled, ledge. IAN is carrying the torch.) IAN: Ahh, I wonder how much further Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, I can't understand it. I just can't understand it. Violence is totally alien to people on this planet. IAN: Oh, people change, Doctor. New leader, different set of circumsta ... DOCTOR: No no no, my dear Chesterton, no. All the more reason for people on this planet to hate death and destruction. My dear boy, when I was here before, the, what, the total population amounted to, a handle of people, merely a hundred. IAN: Is that all? DOCTOR: Yes, exactly, all the more reason for holding onto life. Oh peace, friendship, happiness. This means everything to the people here. IAN: Yes, yes, I see what you mean. Well, you ready to carry on? DOCTOR: (Waving his handkerchief.) Me? Carry on? My dear fellow, it was you that stopped! (Laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. SPACESHIP. LIVING QUARTERS (VICKI is tending to a wound on BARBARA'S arm.) VICKI: Sorry Barbara, I forgot all about your cuts and bruises. BARBARA: Oh it could be worse. It's the arm mainly. I must have strained it catching hold of that tree to break my fall. VICKI: There. How's that? BARBARA: That feels much better. (VICKI walks away as BARBARA rolls her sleeve back down.) VICKI: Wonder if Koquillion 's gone? BARBARA: what are the other people like? VICKI: Mmm? Oh, he's the only one we see. They live quite near here I believe but, well, I don't know. (She opens a locker and brings out an advanced sort of gun.) VICKI: This fires a flare. BARBARA: Is that for the rescue ship? VICKI: Yes, I always keep it ready. There's room to land round here you know. BARBARA: It'll all be ending for you soon then? VICKI: (Quietly.) Yes. BARBARA: Well, you don't sound very sure? VICKI: (She looks towards BENNETT'S cabin.) There's always Koquillion. He could stop us. He could keep me here ...forever (She turns back to BARBARA who has a sorrowful look on her face.) VICKI: What are you looking like that for? BARBARA: Like what? VICKI: You're sorry for me aren't you? I'm perfectly alright, you know. I don't care if nobody ever comes, I'm fine. I'm perfectly alright. (She puts the gun back in the locker. She suddenly hears a noise from the corridor. In a panic, she hustles BARBARA back to the bunk and re-covers her with the blankets.) VICKI: Quick! (She finishes covering her and dashes to sit at the table. The door opens. It is BENNETT, holding onto the door for support.) VICKI: (With relief.) Ah, Bennett! BENNETT: He's gone. I tried to get things out of me but I didn't tell him. VICKI: No. BENNETT: I didn't tell him about the rescue ship. VICKI: No. BENNETT: He told me about the people on the mountain. He's killed them. We've got to stick together Vicki. He's killed them! VICKI: (Shakes her head and smiles.) No he hasn't Bennett! Not all of them anyway. (She steps over to the bunk and pulls the blankets back. BARBARA sits up. BENNETT stares at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. LEDGE IN PASSAGEWAY (The DOCTOR and IAN continue their passage through the mountain.) IAN: The ledge is narrowing out now Doctor DOCTOR: What's that, my boy, What? What's that? (The DOCTOR slips. IAN grabs him.) IAN: Oh, oh, careful! DOCTOR: (Nervous laugh.) Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! I say, look, have you noticed the ledge? It's narrowing out! IAN: (Ruefully.) Yes, Doctor! DOCTOR: Wait, wait! IAN: Huh? DOCTOR: Point the torch, shine it down there. (He grabs IAN'S hand and points the torch down over the ledge.) DOCTOR: You see that? It's quite a chasm. IAN: Yes. DOCTOR: Hmm! IAN: Certainly is. Not very much to hold onto here either. Just have to keep ourselves ... pressed against the rockface. DOCTOR: M ... my dear boy, if I pressed myself any harder against this thing I would be doing myself an injury! (They hear a roaring noise from below. IAN shines the torch directly into the DOCTOR'S face.) IAN: What was that? DOCTOR: Well, it's not me, is it! Shine the torch down there! (IAN shines the torch back down into the chasm. A reptilian creature, its face similar to KOQUILLION'S lies below.) DOCTOR: What ... IAN: What's that nightmare? DOCTOR: Isn't it sufficient that it ... it's down there and we're up here? Hmm? IAN: Yes ... it's got eyes! I saw them, Green! (The DOCTOR laughs gently) IAN: Hmm, used to daylight. Must have come in from the outside. DOCTOR: Oh. Very good, yes. Very intelligent reasoning. So good ... I might have said the same thing myself! IAN: Gotta get out of here. What we need are some good handholds. Oh, here we are, all provided. (IAN has found three mask like carvings in the wall. Again, they resemble KOQUILLION'S face but each has a large curved ring handle sticking out of them.) IAN: Right Doctor, somebody's been this way before. DOCTOR: Well now, be careful. IAN: Yes I will, just hold onto that. (He passes the DOCTOR the torch.) IAN: Try this. It's alright. (IAN grabs hold of the first ring and swings himself over.) IAN: Yeh? Give me the torch. (He takes the torch from the DOCTOR.) IAN: Swing yourself over. (The old man does so.) Alright? OK? DOCTOR: Yes. (IAN grabs the third face handle.) IAN: Watch this one. It's loose. Oh! (The handle comes away from the face with some cords attached to it leading back into the rock.) IAN: ... hurry up, I've pulled it out! (IAN stumbles but regains his balance on the ledge in front of a much larger face carving.) DOCTOR: What? IAN: Oh I'm over. Can you manage? DOCTOR: (Examining the pulled out handle.) Chesterton. Its oil, it's got oil on it! IAN: What's that noise? DOCTOR: Come back here! They've trapped you into pulling this thing out. IAN: What's that noise Doctor? I ... (A series of sharp spikes extend from either side of the face carving overreaching the extent of the ledge - with IAN trapped between them.) DOCTOR: Don't go any further! IAN: What ... I can't go either way! (The DOCTOR examines the ring mechanism. IAN shines the torch over the ledge towards the reptile roaring below. He turns round. From the centre of the face carving, a further series of sharp spikes start to slowly extend towards him.) IAN: Doctor, They're pushing me towards the edge! (The reptile below roars, awaiting its victim ... )

The Doctor, Ian and Barbara arrive on the planet Dido where a crashed spaceship with the only two survivors are terrorized by the monsterKoquillion. But who is Koquillion? But the enemy may be closer then they think...

fd_Bones_01x06

fd_Bones_01x06_0

"The Man in the Wall" [SCENE_BREAK] (Open: Brennan's office. Angela enters Brennan's office carrying a coat. Brennan is at her desk working intently on her computer). ANGELA: Come on, honey. If we don't leave now, we won't get into the club. BRENNAN: (not looking up from the computer) I'm just finishing up a few emails. ANGELA: Oh what? (comes around to the front of Brennan's desk while digging through her purse) BRENNAN: My publisher wants to schedule a book tour. I'm just confirming dates. ANGELA: That can wait, sweetie. BRENNAN: (getting up from her desk and walking over to the coffee table to pick up a stack of papers to look over) There's a student that needs help identifying the cause of a fracture on a lateral epicondyle. ANGELA: (not amused) TGIF. You heard of that? (sways arms and hips) BRENNAN: Yeah, it's some kind of acronym. But my inbox is full. ANGELA: We know that's not true. BRENNAN: (walking back towards her desk) There's a TV show that needs research. Not that they listen... (shifting through the papers) ANGELA: We're going (takes papers from Brennan's and starts to take off her blue lab coat). BRENNAN: I really shout catalog that skull (turning while Angela is taking off her lab coat). It's in the museum's exhibit on the French Revolution. ANGELA: Yeah, Pep le Pew is more important that booze and boys (puts down lab coat and hands Brennan her jacket). BRENNAN: I don't think that's his name. (They exit the office.) (Cut to: Basement Club where hip-hop music is playing.) MAN/MC: (to the crowd) All right, everybody. We're gonna keep it crunking here tonight. Tonight the Basement Club brings to you the number one deejay around town, Deejay Rulz! Give it up! (Inside the club, Angela and Brennan are at the bar with drinks.) ANGELA: Feels good, doesn't it? Being with people who are alive? BRENNAN: It's very stimulating, I have to admit. ANGELA: We are so gonna tear it up tonight. BRENNAN: That's slang, right? ANGELA: Right (nods). BRENNAN: (looking down at her clothes) Is my costume all right? ANGELA: Sweetie, it's not a costume. It's a cute outfit. And yes, it looks perfect (takes sip of her martini). BRENNAN: I know, it's very-it's very warm in here. ANGELA: No, because it looks great (takes Brennan by the arm and walks away from the bar). We are so getting checked out! (walking through the crowd) BRENNAN: I love this music. ANGELA: Deejay Rulz, he is so hot. (Shot of the performer rapping, and the crowd dancing.) BRENNAN: It's so tribal. ANGELA: (dancing) Don't say "tribal", sweetie. BRENNAN: Why? Oh, because of all the black people? (people look over at them) ANGELA: Sweetie, just for tonight, have fun, stop dissecting and take part. BRENNAN: African-Americans aren't the only ones with tribal heritage (dancing). WOMAN #1: (An African club goer cuts in, standoffish) You say we're natives of some tribe? BRENNAN: Anthropologically speaking, we're all members of tribes. WOMAN #2: (approaches) You better shut your mouth. BRENNAN: (trying to explain, as people gather around her) I just meant hip-hop mirrors the direct visceral connection you see in tribal communication. MAN #1: (reacting to Brennan's comment, upset) What? BRENNAN: After the Cartesians split in the 17th century, we separated our mind from our bodies the numinous from the animalistic . WOMAN #1: (hostile) Are you calling me an animal, fool? WOMAN #3: (another woman injects) No, fool. She's using Descartes' philosophy to say she's down with the music. WOMAN #1: (at WOMAN #3) Who you calling a fool, fool? (shoves woman, who falls. Looks back at Brennan, and raises her hand) Get out of my way. MAN IN CROWD: There you go! (Woman tries to shove Brennan, but she reacts quickly and ends up side stepping the attempt and pushes the woman to the ground). ANGELA: (holds up hands to everyone watching while following Brennan away from the crowd) We're going, we're going. (Another man grabs Brennan's arm, upset). MAN #2: You shouldn't have done that, bitch! (Brennan defends herself and ends up kicking the man hard. He crashes into a wall and breaks open the siding.) CROWD: Ooh! (Some form of powder is released into the room, falling over all the people watching. Angela licks some of the powder off her finger.) MAN IN CROWD: That's what I'm talking about right there. ANGELA: Uh oh. (Shots of the crowd looking towards the wall with various reactions.) MALE VOICE: Yo, yo, yo. Check this out. FEMALE VOICE: What is it? (Pans through the crowd to the wall where a mummified skeleton is revealed.) MALE VOICE: Look at that fool man. MALE VOICE: The wall. MALE VOICE: What the hell is it? (Brennan turns to Angela with a perplexed expression.) (Cut to another shot of the Club. Booth and Tessa are walking down a set of stairs following Special Agent Furst.) FURST: Are you sure she can handle this? BOOTH: No one in our lab knows the first thing about dealing with a mummy. I'd have to call her in anyway. (Booth helps Tessa with the stairs and follows Furst to the crime scene.) FURST: She assaulted two agents who were trying to tape off the body (pointing to Brennan, who is talking to two men, asking them to stay away from the body). BRENNAN: (adamant) They were trying to compromise the remains. FURST: (to Booth) A cloud of meth covered the dance floor. (points to Brennan) I think they've inhaled quite a lot. BOOTH: (smiling) Are you two high? ANGELA: (acting strangely) Only by accident, so it doesn't count. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Why'd you bring Tessa? This doesn't seem like such a great date. TESSA: (arms crossed, straight forward) We were out to dinner when he got your call. Your pupils are the size of saucers. BRENNAN: (rushes over to stop a police officer who is approaching the remains) Wait, get away from the remains! BOOTH: Bones, simmer down. (Two African-American men arrive.) OAKES: How long is this gonna take? BOOTH: (turns towards them) Who the hell wants to know? HALL: (holding a cane) I'm sorry, he works for me. I'm Randall Hall, I run this place. BOOTH: You run this place Mr. Hall? Interesting, you know, cause we know found some drugs on- BRENNAN: (cuts in, repeating Booth's words) Found them, we found 'em. BOOTH: Alright, we found some drugs on the dead guy. We're gonna want to know where they came from, why he had them BRENNAN: Why. BOOTH: (gives Brennan a look) Why he had them. Any idea who he is? BRENNAN: A- (gets another look from Booth and turns away). BOOTH: Any ideas? HALL: (smug) The guy barely looks human. What makes you think I'd recognize him? BOOTH: (turns back to Brennan who is looking at the mummy intently) Bones, how does something like this happen? (points at the mummy) BRENNAN: (grabs Booth's arm to stop him from getting too close, twisting his arm) Well, the Egyptians would give the body a cedar oil enema and then rinse it with wine and cover it with salt. But I don't think that's what happened here. BOOTH: Bones, you are totally wasted. (Brennan turns and sees Zack coming down the stairs. She rushes over to him and leads him to the mummy. Zack looks uncomfortable, as he doesn't know why Brennan is acting the way she is.) BRENNAN: Zack! Zack! Zack! Come here! Come here! (puts hands on Zack's shoulders as she pushes him towards the mummy) Isn't this a beautiful specimen of mummification? ZACK: (confused) What's going on? BOOTH: Let's just say your boss inhaled. BRENNAN: See how perfectly dried and preserved the skin is? (pointing at the mummy) You don't find something like this every day. (turns to Tessa) Hey Tessa, have you seen it? ANGELA: (still under the influence) It's so hard to believe that you two would be a couple. You know, cop and lawyer. It's very touching (points back and forth between Booth and Tessa). TESSA: I'm gonna grab a cab (heads back to the stairs). BOOTH: (goes to catch up to Tessa, handing her some money) Oh, no. Oh, ok, hold up. Uh sorry, sorry. I apologize. Here, I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise, ok? Ice cream later? (kisses Tessa) Take care. TESSA: I'll talk to you later (turns and heads back up the stairs). BOOTH: Talk to you later. BRENNAN and ANGELA: (both with funny expressions) Awww! BOOTH: (serious) Can we just stick to the business here? Thank you. (To Hall) I'm gonna need a list of your employees, alright? We'll run it through the system, see if any one of 'em have a drug conviction. (To Brennan) How long before you can ID him? BRENNAN: Well, I'm not at all tired so I'm sure I can stay up all night and work. (to Zack) We have to be careful removing him, he's very dry and brittle. (Zack takes photos as Brennan sweeps some cobwebs out of the way.) BRENNAN: My first modern mummy. Opening Credits (Cut to Medico-Lab. The mummy is lying on one of the tables on the main platform. Brennan, Angela and Hodgins are examining it.) HODGINS: Crystal meth is made from cold medicine, lye and the strike pads from matchbooks (walking over to the table with a stack of papers.) The body was not designed to deal with that kind of assault. BRENNAN: (voice strained and tired) So I'm finding out. HODIGNS: Chamomile tea? It's very soothing. BRENNAN: No, I just need your results. HODGINS: How about a stick to pry the monkey off your back? ANGELA: (sitting down by the computer, looking completely drained and out of it) Are you sure you need me here? BRENNAN: Payback for showing me the good life. BOOTH: (approaching them) Ok, so how is my man, the Tut? BRENNAN: In better shape than I am. HODGINS: The meth found in his lungs and nasal passages matches the meth that juiced Angela and the good doctor here (hands Brennan the report). BRENNAN: (grabs the report) Can you please keep it clinical? BOOTH: So, uh, he died of an overdose. BRENNAN: (goes to open the report, but drops some of the pages. Booth bends down to pick them up) Asphyxiation. Meth coated the alveoli in his lungs, making breathing impossible. BOOTH: So, uh, he overdosed with his meth behind the wall. HODGINS: (pointing a small pen light at the mummy) Well, the space was too narrow for him to squeeze through. He got stuck, the bag broke, and when he gasped for air he inhaled and died instantaneously. BRENNAN: The dry air convection behind the wall removed most of the moisture from his body. BOOTH: How long was he, uh, in there? HODGINS: Judging from the acrid mites in his ears, I'd say six weeks. BOOTH: (pointing to the body) Hey, didn't he have hands? (Cut to one of the testing rooms, where the hand is inside a jar with liquid. Brennan and Booth enter the room.) BRENNAN: They're easier to work with dismembered. I've rehydrated them so we can get some fingerprints. (Brennan opens the lid of the jar, and Booth acts squeamish at what she's about to do.) BOOTH: Off that? BRENNAN: Sure. (Brennan picks up the hand from the jar.) BOOTH: Have you ever been to Costa Rica? BRENNAN: I was flown down once. They found a human skull 12,000 years old. (continues to work with the hand, placing her hand under the skin) Why? BOOTH: Finally getting' some vacation time (not watching what she's doing). I was gonna head off on Thursday. I heard Costa Rica was beautiful. BRENNAN: Yes. Fascinating wildlife, lots of parrots (pulling the skin off of the hand). BOOTH: Oh, I don't like parrots, no. People should really, really do all the talking. You know, maybe I should-(reacts to what Brennan is doing) Oh God! What are you doing? BRENNAN: (places her hand inside the removed skin) Aztecs would slay people and then wear their skin as a bodysuit. BOOTH: (off put) I guess you won't be needing mittens for Christmas, huh? (Brennan walks over to a machine and places a finger on the glass. The Machine beeps as it works.) (Cut to a computer screen that shows the fingerprint off the hand. Booth is sitting at the desk as Angela and Brennan approaches him.) BRENNAN: Did the FBI find a match? BOOTH: Yep, his name was Roy Taylor (computer screen shows a drivers license). ANGELA: Roy Taylor? You're kidding! That's Deejay Mount. BRENNAN: I don't know who that is. ANGELA: Mount is one of the best deejays in DC. He used to play at the club. Everyone was wondering what happened to him. His album's really gonna take off after this. (Cut to Brennan's office. She is sitting on her couch working as rap music plays from her computer. Booth enters her office.) BOOTH: I never knew this side of you Bones. BRENNAN: It's Deejay Mount. BOOTH: You're hung over, doesn't this make your head explode? BRENNAN: I grabbed a couple of hours of sleep on my couch and showered in the lab's decontamination room. BOOTH: You really know how to live. BRENNAN: Angela said rap artists sometimes kill each other over the music. Jam Master Jay, Tupac, Biggie. BOOTH: Do you even know who you're talking about? BRENNAN: Yeah, I've done my Googling. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: (stands up) Listen...you can hear the alpha male asserting himself. BOOTH: (making noises and mimicking the rapper) Fill your ass up...with lead...always a nice lyric. BRENNAN: (goes over to her desk) I'm heading back to the club to meet the FBI forensics team. (turns off the music) I'm getting facts. (leaves) (Cut to FBI Building. Inside Booth's office, Hall and Oakes are talking with Booth.) HALL: Deejay Mount, he was starting to break, finally making some money. Someone who's never had anything, it can go to your head. So he gets involved with drugs... BOOTH: You didn't know who he was hanging with or who might've been chasing him? HALL: A dude like Mount, he had a lot of enemies. Other artists, rivalries. Everyone wants to be number one. BOOTH: I mean, you have to know who the rivals are, Mr. Hall. Affects your bottom line. HALL: (at Oakes) Wait for me by the elevator. (Oakes leaves, but exchanges some glances with Booth) Rulz. BOOTH: What rules? HALL? That's his name. He performs at the club. I'm trying to keep my crew together, Agent Booth. But I always had to run interference between those two. BOOTH: Why? HALL: Ask Rulz. (Hall gets up and leaves, leaving Booth to think.) (Cut to the club, Zack and Brennan are working where the body was found. Zack is holding a cable connected to a wire inside the wall while Brennan watches the images on a screen.) ZACK: Was it fun coming to the club? BRENNAN: Yeah, before the drugs and the dead body. Tilt-tilt down. ZACK: Seems so primitive. Being in a crowd of strangers, gyrating to music. BRENNAN: (looking at Zack) You've never danced? ZACK: I've been told I look like a marionette in a windstorm. BRENNAN: You would've fit right in last night. ZACK: Really? BRENNAN: (looking at the screen) Footprints...in the dirt, and the termite shavings. Someone was on the other side of him. ZACK: Light. This leads to the outside. BRENNAN: We need to get inside that wall. FBI FORENSICS MAN: Or take it down. BRENNAN: One last look? FURST: Take 'em in, show 'em around. (Cut to Booth's office. An older African-American man enters carrying a box.) TAYLOR: (knocks on frame) Agent Booth? BOOTH: (turning) Yeah? TAYLOR: I'm Roy Taylor's father. Maybe you know him as Deejay Mount. BOOTH: Mr. Taylor, please come in. TAYLOR: Thank you for seeing me. BOOTH: Please sit. TAYLOR: (sits) You're the one looking onto my son's murder? BOOTH: Investigating his death, yes, sir. I'm...sorry for your loss. TAYLOR: (looking down at the box then back up at Booth) I have some information you need. BOOTH: About your son's death? TAYLOR: No, sir. (places box on desk) About his life. I've been reading in the newspaper how my son was part of the meth scene, how he was killed by drugs behind a wall like that. (opens box and takes out a framed graduation photo) What my son did was graduate third in his class from high school. He would've graduated first except he-he worked a full time job. (takes out medals and trophy) Track-and-field medals, baseball. Roy never drank, and he never did drugs. Do you understand me, sir? BOOTH: Mr. Taylor- TAYLOR: (cuts him off) How they are portraying my boy in the newspapers is wrong. If his mother was live, it would kill her. I taught him a relationship with Jesus. Do you understand, sir? A personal relationship with Jesus. BOOTH: With all due respect, sir, sometimes when kids grow up, they change, they move away from what they were taught. TAYLOR: (holds up a hand print ceramic) Five years old, he made this. And a lady who...who reads palms...she looked at it and she said...she said my boy was going to be a great man, a good man. (breaking up) She read no evil in that boy's hand. BOOTH: (takes the hand print) I can see that now, sir. TAYLOR: (emotional) Some iniquity killed my boy. You know that word, Agent Booth? It's from the Bible. BOOTH: "Deliver me from the workers of iniquity and save me from bloody men." (hands handprint back to Taylor) TAYLOR: You know your psalms, sir. I can trust that you will find out what happened to my boy? BOOTH: Yes, sir. TAYLOR: Good (puts things back into the box). Then I'm glad I came by. (Cut back to the club. The FBI Forensics guy is leading Brennan and Zack into the space behind the wall.) FORENSICS GUY: Can we conform to as much forensic protocol as possible? ZACK: We're better at this than you think. (Noises) FORENSICS GUY: You know what those are? BRENNAN: Rats. ZACK: You trying to scare us with rats? We've been to places where the rats eat the laces right out of our boots. FORENSICS GUY: Take it easy there, Willard. (Crouches along with their flashlights.) ZACK: (shining his light on the ground) There are the footprints. There are marks on the wall, it's scraped. BRENNAN: (trails light against the wall where there is blood) Blood smear, dried. I see something, can I retrieve? FORENSICS GUY: Yes (hands her a bag). (Brennan leans down and picks up a small charm.) (Cut to lab, where the charm is being examined by Brennan. Booth is with her.) BOOTH: Apparently there's a rivalry between Mount and this guy, uh, Rulz. BRENNAN: We saw him perform at the club last night. Did you talk to him? BOOTH: Oh, no. I don't have enough yet. I go in too soon, he could run. ANGELA (approaches, looking at what Brennan is examining) Wow, that's a beautiful piece. Zirconium or diamond? BRENNAN: I'm more focused on the dried blood and flesh at the moment. ANGELA: Do you buy Tessa jewelry? BOOTH: I really don't want to talk about that right now. ANGELA: Too much of a commitment. I just thought because you two were going away- BOOTH: (cuts her before she can finish) Do you have anything yet? BRENNAN: Given the rate of air convection and the degree of dehydration of the flesh, I'd say they were there at the same time. ANGELA: It must hurt like hell to get that thing ripped out of your belly button. BRENNAN: (looking up at Angela) I thought it was an earring. ANGELA: Look at the size of the stud. I had one of these before they became totally Miami divorc e. HODGINS: (approaches, holding a jar with something inside and places it on the table) Good news. I was able to pull some particulates. BOOTH: Uh, are those, uh- HODGINS: Eyeballs? Yeah. Two types of foreign material in the eyes. Low density polyethylene residue and methamphetamine crystals. ANGELA: Polyethylene? HODGINS: It came from the plastic bag holding the meth. BRENNAN: (to a lab worker) This can be cleaned now. (Walks over to the body and begins examining something) ANGELA: Yeah, that's a real diamond. (to Booth) Hey, why don't you get a belly button ring? That's not too much of a commitment. Booth: Yeah, that's great. BRENNAN: The inside of the lips was damaged by the teeth, this was not an accidental inhalation. The meth was pushed against his face with force. Someone was trying to smother him. HODGINS: Which would explain how the particulates got into the eye. ANGELA: So he didn't OD. He was murdered. BOOTH: So we just have to find out who owns this belly button ring. (A lab tech is cleaning the belly button ring and reveals an engraving on it.) ANGELA: Look at this, "Luv Rulz". BRENNAN: Well, at least we know who to ask. (Cut to a an office/studio/loft. Hip hop music is playing.) BOOTH: This way (knocks on door). Hello! (walks in with Brennan behind him) RULZ: Yeah, it's open. BOOTH: Yeah, it's open. FBI Special Agent Booth. RULZ: What, is the FBI recruiting from America's Top Model now? BRENNAN: I'm a forensic anthropologist at the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: She works for the FBI. RULZ: Yeah, I could live with that. BOOTH: Yeah, Dr. Brennan also discovered that Roy Taylor was murdered. RULZ: (preoccupied working his music) So? BOOTH: So murder is whacked see, 'cause those are the rules, Rulz. RULZ: Well, maybe he had it coming to him (standoffish). BOOTH: Oh, so you and Roy Taylor don't get along. RULZ: That sucker ran me down. Tried to slam me in one of his tracks and ain't nobody do that. BOOTH: And what happens when they do? RULZ: I take a piece of 'em. I got in his face one night at the Basement and I told him to disappear, and I ain't seen him since cause he knew to follow the Rulz (laughs). BOOTH: (chuckles) And, un, maybe your, uh, girlfriend made sure that your, uh, your problem just went away (shows Rulz the ring). RULZ: That ain't my woman no more. I kicked her sorry ass out months ago. BOOTH: What is her sorry-ass name? RULZ: Eve Warren. BOOTH: What was she doing with Mount? RULZ: Take a guess. I guess it was just his turn. BOOTH: She kept your ring. RULZ: It's a diamond, man. Why she gonna get rid of that? BOOTH: Any idea where she is now? RULZ: Probably ripping somebody else off. That girl don't care about nobody but herself. You know she got a kid? Don't care about her neither. Let her brother shoulder that. Bitch. BRENNAN: (looking over Rulz's shoulder) What happened to your hand? RULZ: I got shot through the wrist a few years ago. BRENNAN: Shattered the lower radius and the pisiform. RULZ: Yeah. I got some nerve damage too. BRENNAN:It's impressive RULZ: I got shot in the back and through the leg too, you wanna see the scars? (stands up) BOOTH: Thanks anyway. Let us know if you hear from Eve. RULZ: That's all I got for y'all. Come on, get back to work. Let's hit it (turns back to music). BOOTH: You let us know if you hear from her. (Brennan watches them intently.) BOOTH: Bones! (snaps fingers, points to door) BRENNAN: I like this music. (Cut to inside Booth's SUV.) BOOTH: Ok, how about this? Deejay Mount trusted Eve because they were sleeping together. So she meets him in the wall, takes the drugs, kills him for Rulz, then he takes off. BRENNAN: (not impressed) Hey, you should write fiction. BOOTH: What? Reasonable. BRENNAN: It's not based on evidence, it's conjecture. BOOTH: Look, I'm positing a scenario. We've been through this before. BRENNAN: Yeah, and it always seems to be a waste of time. Now, finding a marker on a bone- BOOTH: No-you know, I think I need a vacation. I think you do too. BRENNAN: Well, I'm not the one who's snippy. BOOTH: Snippy? (chuckles) What are you, like 70? BRENNAN: See what I mean? I think you should find a nice relaxing place to go on that vacation. (Booth groans) Somewhere where you can get a massage, maybe do some yoga. BOOTH: I don't do yoga. Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups. That's what I do. BRENNAN: Yeah, that's more cardiovascular. Yoga deals more with- BOOTH: (holds hand up) Why exactly are we talking about this? BRENNAN: Because you're tense. BOOTH: Because we're talking. (Switches on radio, rap music starts playing.) BOOTH: You switched my music. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the skeleton room at the lab. Zack is looking at the bones when Brennan walks in.) BRENNAN: Roy Taylor? ZACK: Yes. BRENNAN: Anything pop out at your now that the bones are clean? ZACK: Some damage to the facet joint and foramen on C-4 on the right side of the neck. BRENNAN: That suggests his head was forced that way. ZACK: One other thing. I was looking at the skull through the microscope. I came across a slight depression, barely discernible (walks over to the computer to show Brennan). BRENNAN: A slight indentation? ZACK: Could it be congenital or a bone anomaly? BRENNAN: Probably (picks up skull). Do you ever go on vacation? ZACK: I take my vacation when you take your vacation. BRENNAN: What do you do? ZACK: Go back home to Michigan, see the family. I have three brothers and four sisters. BRENNAN: Do you enjoy that? ZACK: God, no. I made the mistake of telling them I work with corpses and skeletons-they think I'm a freak. BRENNAN: Then why do you go? ZACK: It's my family. They love me. BRENNAN: (puzzled. Hands skull to Zack) Take a closer look at the anomaly under the scanning microscope. See what made that mark. (Cut to a dance studio where a hip-hop dance class is being held.) GEORGE: Work it out! Work it out! That's right, good, good, good! (Booth and Brennan walk into the class.) GEORGE: Yeah, let's work! Come on! (sees the two of them) What do you want? BOOTH: (shows badge) Special Agent Booth, FBI. This is my associate Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: (watching the class) What do you call this? GEORGE: The Krump. The kids, they come here, they dance. They don't g*ngb*ng. So what do you want? You didn't come here for a dance lesson. (Walks into his office where a toddler is playing.) GEORGE: Hey, Maya. How you doing, baby? (Picks up the kid and takes her outside) Come on now, we're gonna go outside and you're gonna play with the rest of the kids, ok? There you go. (Maya runs off) BOOTH: I'd like to ask you a few questions about your sister Eve. GEORGE: (sighs) What's she done now? BOOTH: When was the last time you saw her? GEORGE: About six weeks ago when she dropped of Maya. GIRL: (carrying Maya and playing with her outside) Ok, that's fine. BOOTH: Dropped her off and left? GEORGE: Told me she needed me to watch her for a couple days, left me some money. BOOTH: Do you, um, happen to have a, I don't know, recent photo that we could take? GEORGE: (picks up a frame off his desk and takes the photo out) Evie said she had cleaned herself up. (scoffs) She was turning her life around, and I believed her. (hands photo to Booth) She never came back. That little girl out there, that's her daughter. She's like a daughter to me too. BOOTH: Didn't it bother you that Eve never came back? I mean, didn't you go look for her? GEORGE: I learned to let her go. I mean, Eve, she's had a lot of problems. Drugs, hanging out with the wrong people. I mean, if I track her down and she takes Maybe before she's ready-I'm not letting nothing happen to that little girl. BOOTH: Did you know Roy Taylor? GEORGE: Met him. Deejay Mount, I like his stuff. He's pure, I play it for the kids. BOOTH: We have reason to believe that she was with him the night he was murdered. GEORGE: Murdered? BOOTH: Uh-hmm. GEORGE: You can't find Evie? BOOTH: No. GEORGE: Oh, man. She told me she loved him and that she and Mount were gonna take Maya away out of DC, give her a better life, the one we never had. BOOTH: You said she left you some cash. GEORGE: Yeah, for Maya. BOOTH: I'll buy what you have, two dollars to one. GEORGE: (upset) Sure, whatever, man. (Shot of Maya laughing) (Cut to Jeffersonian. Hodgins is working on the platform, looking onto a microscope.) HODGINS: You may want the stooges at the FBI who are experts due to your so-called drug war, to run a comparison. But I'd say the methamphetamine on these bills matches the meth found with Deejay Mount behind the wall. BOOTH: Yeah, my guess is that Eve was with Mount the time that he was murdered. How about this, huh? (slaps Hodgins on the back) Deejay Mount rejects Eve because of her questionable past. So, uh, hey she gets mad, she wants to leave with some money, so-(Hodgins gives him a look) What? HODGINS: Yeah, I don't really think much about that kind of stuff. I'm more about bugs and minerals, sorry. BOOTH: Come on, Hodgins. Hey, you're a smart guy. You're a smart guy, look up from your microscope, huh? These are real people we're trying to figure out here (gets blank stare from Hodgins). Ok. HODGINS: Maybe she was just using Mount, setting him up to get his drugs and money. BOOTH: Very nice, Hodgins. HODGINS: Yeah? BOOTH: Yeah. HODGINS: (gets excited) Real question is, where does she go next? BOOTH: (points to Hodgins) You're on fire man. HODGINS: After she left her brother's place because that is where she met her untimely end. BOOTH: You know what? I'm gonna turn you into an investigator yet. HODGINS: (shakes head) No, no, no. Bugs and slime, dude. That is where I'm happy. (Hodgins turns back to his work, but has a smile on his face.) (Cut do Angela's office. Angela is working on her computer with Brennan looking on.) BRENNAN: The damage to his C-4 vertebrae was the result of his head being twisted so far to the right. ANGELA: He was moving this way, toward Eve. (screen shows a simulation of the scenario) BOOTH: My bet is he was chasing her (enters the room). BRENNAN: And that's based on- BOOTH: The money and meth. She left that corridor carrying money saturated in the same meth that killed Mount. She was moviong fast. ANGELA: She didn't even stop when her belly ring got ripped out. BOOTH: Money's a pretty good reason to get chased. Only question is, why wasn't he facing her? ANGELA: It got tight back there. Fifteen centimeters. Eve ripped out her belly button ring here (computer shows what is happening) and then left a smear of blood until the corridor widened, here. BRENNAN: Oh, god (exhales forcefully.) ANGELA: What? BRENNAN: That just...makes me a little sick. ANGELA: You pick dead bodies out of mass graves and yanking out a belly button ring makes you sick? BOOTH: Ok, ok, ok. Moving on. I've shot a lot of people in my time and I gotta admit, that whole belly button thing makes me nauseous too. BRENNAN: Thank you. ANGELA: At this point, (turns back to screen) Mount must've looked behind him but kept going. Then the passageway narrowed, so he couldn't turn his head back toward Eve. BRENNAN: Then there's no way she could've shoved the meth into his face. Eve didn't kill him. BOOTH: A third person surprised him, that why he turned his head-to look. BRENNAN: Mount's body prevented this third person from getting to Eve, so she escaped. BOOTH: But he got to Mount, shoved the meth in his face, and he killed him. Ah, but the real question is, who the hell is this third person? (Cut to FBI Building. Inside an interrogation room, Booth is talking to Oakes.) OAKES: Why the hell you pick me up, man? BOOTH: I think you know why I brought you in. OAKES: Yeah, right. BOOTH: I waited for you to contact me, explain your situation, but you didn't do that. That's not polite. What are you? DEA? Metro cop? OAKES: I'm Special Agent Ronald Oakes. BOOTH: One of us. OAKES: My orders were not to break deep cover for anybody. Out of deep regard for my FBI brother, I gave you the nod. BOOTH: (chuckles) That's bull. I made you, now you're making excuses. OAKES: You got any keys for these cuffs? BOOTH: Fine. Your way. (gets up and walks around to uncuff Oakes) You know, I need more than a nod, man. You know, I'm conducting a murder investigation. Now, I need to know what you know. OAKES: I'm 15 months on the task force investigating the links between the urban music business and gang activity. BOOTH: That's why you got next to Randall Hall. OAKES: Randall Hall is a clean alias. You ran him, right? BOOTH: Yeah. OAKES: Came back clean? BOOTH: Mm-hmm. OAKES: Exactly. His real name is Terrence Baskin. Now, we know that he's pushing meth through that club, but we can't get enough to touch him. Our informants disappear. They either get bought off, or they get killed. BOOTH: What about this murder? OAKES: The night that Deejay Mount disappeared, Hall got ripped off for a mountain of meth and a ton of cash. BOOTH: Deejay Mount ripped off Hall? OAKES: No, it doesn't scan. Mount was into Jesus, not chalk. BOOTH: Hall killed Deejay Mount? OAKES: Nah. Hall's people do that type of stuff for him. So if anybody asked, why did you have me arrested? BOOTH: Weapons beef. OAKES: (chuckles) So I don't get my gun back. BOOTH: No (chuckles), no. OAKES: We meet up again, if you get an excuse, hit me. BOOTH: Oh...that...you can count on it. (Cut to the Club. Booth and Brennan are questioning Hall. Oakes is sitting at a table reading a newspaper.) HALL: I've been investigated for year. Why you think they never got me on anything? BOOTH: Because you're so smart? HALL: Because Terrance Baskin is my past. I am 100% clean now. This is my life now, this and my record label. Not crystal meth, not gang banging. BRENNAN: Yet much of the iconic quality of urban music lies in the perceived or actual rivalry between the principal artists. HALL: (sits down on a stool, with a grin) Where did you find her? BOOTH: Museum. BRENNAN: Was the rivalry between mount and Mr. Rulz strong enough to lead to murder? HALL: Sure, they were both capable. Add in the fact that Mount was sleeping with Rulz's girlfriend, Eve. Yeah, in fact- BOOTH: Yeah? HALL: Rulz built himself a studio around that time. Poured cement for the pad a day after they disappeared. BRENNAN: So? HALL: I'm saying...Mount's dead, Eve's gone missing. You might want to consider that. (Turns to Oakes) Let's go. BRENNAN: (to Booth) What do you think? BOOTH: Oh, I think-I, uh, think we need to find a way to find a body buried under a slab of cement. BRENNAN: Can't you get a warrant? BOOTH: A look around the premises maybe, but no way to tear it up. BRENNAN: Let me make a phone call. (Cut to a parking lot where Tootie, a big mastiff-type dog is being unloaded from the back of a truck with her handler Maggie.) BRENNAN: Tootie has traveled the world finding dead bodies. BOOTH: Does Tootie always drool like that? (Tootie whines and Brennan shoots him a look) What, I'm gonna hurt her-(looks closely) his feelings? MAGGIE: Tootie is the best cadaver dog in the world, Agent Booth. BRENNAN: It's true. If you were a dead body, you'd want Tootie looking for you. (Cut to the trio entering Rulz's studio.) BOOTH: How can it smell anything buried under a building? BRENNAN: He can. Once I saw Tootie find a dead body wrapped in plastic under concrete, after four years. MAGGIE: (with Tootie) Tootie can smell decaying blood on a tooth six feet underground. I mean, so what? He drools a little. What's up with that? (to Booth) You know, your eyes are kinda close together, but I don't comment. BOOTH: (holds up hands in mock gesture) I apologize. MAGGIE: (to Brennan) Is he sincere? BRENNAN: Yeah. MAGGIE: All right then, we accept. (Booth wipes off some drool from his pant leg. Tootie starts to whine and lies down.) MAGGIE: Good boy, Tootie. Tootie found something. BOOTH: Maybe he's just lazy. BRENNAN: Lying down is his indicator. Tootie found it, there's a body under here (Brennan draws around Tootie to mark the location). You should get a warrant to bring in a jackhammer for the floor. (stands up) I'd start digging here.' (Cut to Jeffersonian. Brennan, Zack and Hodgins are working on the platform around the new remains) ZACK: (holding up x-rays of teeth) Dental records confirm that this is Eve Warren. HODGINS: Insect activity confirm she died around the same time Deejay Mount did. BOOTH: Where did Booth go? I gotta give him the news. HODGINS: His girlfriend brought him a change of shirt. ZACK: They're up in the lounge. BRENNAN: Wha...Zack, clean the bones. ZACK: We've already got cause of death and identity. What am I looking for? BRENNAN: It might be grasping but that odd mark we found on Mount's skull? See if you can find anything like it on Eve's remains. (Cut to the catwalk, Angela is talking with Tessa and Booth) ANGELA: Jamaica? God, that's incredible. TESSA: Umm, it's a bed and breakfast. There are these coral cliffs BOOTH: (changing his shirt) Snorkeling, kayaking. ANGELA: Oh, you two are so ready for the pre-shacking up test vacation. BOOTH: What do you mean? ANGELA: You have keys to each other's places. You've done the weekend away a couple times. Yeah, it's time for the ten-day vacation. You know, Jamaica's like a dry run for living together only with rum punch and steel drums (leaves with a smile). TESSA: (hesitantly) Yeah, see you later. Living together? Silly. BOOTH: Thanks for bringing me a shirt (hands her the old one). TESSA: Yeah, ok. I'll talk to you later. BOOTH: Yeah. (kisses Tessa quickly) BRENNAN: (approaches them) Hi, Tessa. TESSA: Yeah, ok. Bye. (She leaves the two of them in the lounge.) BRENNAN: It's Eve Warren. BOOTH: Eve Warren. Ok, cause of death? BRENNAN: Same as Mount. BOOTH: Meth overdose. BRENNAN: Pushed in the face, but there's more. I don't think that Rulz killed her. BOOTH: She was buried under his studio. BRENNAN: But her wrist was broken. (Cut to the Angelator room. Brennan, Booth and Angela are around it.) BRENNAN: Bone damage indicates that Eve was taken from behind and smashed into a wall. (scenario is shown in the Angelator) ANGELA: Her skull shows damage to both the infraorbital and supraorbital margins and the zygomatic process. BOOTH: Zygo-zu-what--you said she was killed by crystal meth. BRENNAN: She was. She would've been hurt and stunned by the blow but not killed, certainly not immediately. ANGELA: A bag of crystal meth was placed over her face, actually ground into her wounds, into the airway. BOOTH: Wait, Rulz couldn't have smashed her into a wall? BRENNAN: Her radius was separated from the scaphoid and trapezium. ANGELA: Her right wrist was twisted hard behind her back. There's damage to both the elbow and the shoulder as well. For that to happen, Eve's attacker would've had to twist her arm up with his right hand while jamming the crystal meth into her face with the other. BRENNAN: Both with a great deal of force. BOOTH: Ah, but Rulz had been shot twice in the right hand. I got it, he had nerve damage. BRENNAN: There is no way he had the strength to kill Eve Warren. BOOTH: Yeah. (Cut to FBI Building. Booth and Brennan are interrogating Rulz.) BRENNAN: You did not murder Eve Warren. RULZ: This is a weird kind of interrogation, huh? Cops telling me what I didn't do. BOOTH: Well, then do me a favor. Tell me Bones is wrong and confess to a murder. RULZ: Hell, no, man. What do you think, I'm some type of idiot? BOOTH: Do me a favor, deny it. RULZ: See, you got tricks. You're gonna twist all my words around, so I'd better not say anything at all. BRENNAN: But you didn't kill Eve Warren. RULZ: So you say. The Rulz says say nothing. BOOTH: He wants us to hold him. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Why? Because every time some rapper gets murdered, his business goes straight through the roof. RULZ: You know, why should Deejay Mount get the bump, huh? Maybe it's my turn. (Brennan watches their interaction with confusion and dismay.) BOOTH: I'll tell you what. I'll make you a better deal. You tell us what we need to know and I'll have those charges laid against you. Put you in the remand center? RULZ: For how long? BOOTH: Oh, that depends on what you tell us. BRENNAN: Wait, wait. You're negotiating to put this guy in jail? BOOTH: To sweeten the pot, I'll charge you with Mount's death too. But you hire one of those moron lawyers and you'll be thrown in lockup for what, maybe a month? RULZ: (nods, smiling) Sweet, all right. BRENNAN: (dismayed) Where am I, in Backwards World? BOOTH: What do you got? RULZ: Look, I could tell y'all why Mount got killed, but y'all have to figure out the rest on your own. BRENNAN: Uh, we have to figure it out just from motive? (sits down) BOOTH: Ok, look, Bones, this is, you know, sort of my thing. (Brennan relents) RULZ: You know, Mount was gonna jump. BRENNAN: You mean commit suicide? RULZ: (bewildered) Where did you find her? BOOTH: Museum. RULZ: I mean labels, jump labels. BOOTH: (chuckling) Wait, you're saying that Deejay mount was gonna leave Basement Records. RULZ: Look, all he needed was the money to buy himself back. That's why he got himself killed. Now, if Hall even finds out that I told y'all that much, I'm gonna end up some dried-out mummy in a wall. BRENNAN: But what about Eve? RULZ: Man, Eve couldn't kill nobody. You know, s*x 'em to death maybe, but that's about it. There's one more thing. The next day, Hall built me a new studio. He took it out of my money too. (Booth and Brennan exchange a look.) RULZ: So, you gonna put me in jail? BOOTH: Well, you know, hey, it's the least we can do, hmm? (Brennan is still perplexed at the situation and Rulz chuckles.) (Cut to lab. A picture of Mount and Eve is on the computer as Booth and Brennan walk up the stairs to the platform.) BOOTH: How about this? Hall's got motive to kill Mount. Why? Because he's jumping labels, and he's running away with some girl who's stealing Hall's meth and money. BRENNAN: (putting on surgical gloves) I'm starting to see how this whole motive thing works. BOOTH: Thank you. BRENNAN: It's still murky psychological guesswork though. ZACK: Dr. Brennan, I found a mark on Eve Warren. Here, on the manubrium (sits down at a computer terminal to bring up the image). BRENNAN: Compare it to the mark on Mount. BOOTH: Ok, Eve tells Mount that she wants to start a new life, so she rips off the dope and the cash thinking she can build a new future with him. BRENNAN: That's a story, Booth. You need to find something real. BOOTH: But why? It feels real to me. I mean, Eve is a woman in love who is trying to escape a world that's just crushing her. Hhmm? (Brennan looks at a photo of Eve and Mount) All right, Mount finds out how much trouble the woman he's in love with is in so he gives up his own life to protect her. That's not enough. They were hoping for a better life, and they wound up dead. (Brennan looks emotional from Booth's story. Zack pulls up both images on his screen.) ZACK: Looks like a match. BRENNAN: (walking over to the computer) Thanks, good job. BOOTH: What the hell's that? BRENNAN: I'm not sure, it's a bone dimple. But they both have it, so it can't be genetic. Something external caused it, but I'm not sure what. BOOTH: Randall Hall, he's behind this. Randall Hall, ok? He killed these two people. We know it, he did it. We just can't touch him, and there's no evidence linking him to the drugs, the cash or either body except for a couple of damn bone dimples. BRENNAN: I'll keep looking at the remains, maybe find the evidence we need. BOOTH: I can't let it stand. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: (upset) You know what? I'm gonna spread the pain, all right? That's my new motto (turns to leave). BRENNAN: Wait, I can help spread pain. Wait! (Cut to Hall's club. Booth and Brennan are talking with him. Oakes is there, too.) BOOTH: (sitting on a couch, flipping through a magazine) We know you did it. HALL: What? BOOTH: Killed Mount in that wall so that he wouldn't leave your label. BRENNAN: You killed Eve Warren. BOOTH: Killed her and buried her under Rulz's studio. Meantime, this is gonna have to remain an active crime scene. HALL: It's harassment, I'll sue. BOOTH: I'm gonna harass you every chance I get. HALL: (jabs his cane against Booth's chest) I'm not somebody you want to mess with. (Brennan focuses in on his cane.) BOOTH: Did you just poke me? (chuckles, stands up) Did he just poke me with his little stick? HALL: (agitated) This is my place. If I want to poke someone, I do it. Come on. (Hall sticks out his cane again and Booth grabs it, pushing him down. Oakes pulls a gun out on Booth, but he quickly disarms him and knocks him down, too. Brennan takes the gun, pointing it at Oakes as Booth holds the cane in front of Hall.) BOOTH: All right, how easily do you think I scare? (starts the motion to break the cane.) BRENNAN: Hey, Booth! Don't break the cane. Arrest him and confiscate the cane as evidence. I need the cane. BOOTH: Arrest him for what? He's the guy who pointed a gun at a federal agent (indicating Oakes, who is starting to get up.) BRENNAN: Uttering threats or smelling bad or anything. It's the cane we want. BOOTH: Fine, here (hands cane to Brennan and takes out his cuffs). Randall Hall, I'm placing you under arrest, all right? For the assault of a federal agent. HALL: This'll never go to court. BOOTH: Let's go find out. (Booth leads Hall out while Brennan hands Booth the gun.) BOOTH: (turning back to look at Oakes) The next time I take your gun away from you, I'll shoot you with it. OAKES: Well, then, I better not let you get my gun again. BOOTH: Come on, lets go. (Cut to Jeffersonian. Hodgins is helping Zack put on a vest while Angela and Brennan look on.) ANGELA: Get this, I called Tessa to tell her a couple places she should check out in Jamaica. She's not going. BRENNAN: What happened? ANGELA: Well, she said something came up at work, but I know the truth. HODGINS: (holding the cane as Zack is standing with the vest on, holding something against his chest) How many times you want me to poke Zack? BRENNAN: Just once, but as hard as you can. ZACK: As hard as he can? Why don't I hit him as hard as I can? HODGINS: Because you have arms like noodles, while I'm vigorous and burly. BRENNAN: (turns back to Angela as Hodgins pokes Zack) What truth? ZACK: (grunts) Is that all you got, burly boy? (Hodgins gives him a look, and takes the thing Zack was holding.) ANGELA: They got freaked out by stage six. BRENNAN: What's...what's stage six? ANGELA: One, spend the night. Two, spend the weekend. Three, exchange keys. Four, sexy weekend getaway. Five, extended vacation, inevitably followed by six-move in together. BRENNAN: I'm an anthropologist. I know the stages of everything, you made those up. ANGELA: I did not. BRENNAN: Yes, you did. ANGELA: They got to stage five, and they balked. BRENNAN: Not Booth, Booth did not balk. ANGELA: Sweetie, it's always the guy. BRENNAN: (shakes head) Booth is not a balker. HODGINS: (looking at them from the computer terminal) Hey, the mark on Mount and the mark on Eve, they're the same. BRENNAN: He can't resist hitting them with that stupid cane. The end of the cane, it's a fit for both marks. (points to the screen) Hall is the killer. Send the cane, the photos and the medium to the FBI, let them confirm the match. HODGINS: What? Let them have all the glory? ZACK: My chest hurts. BRENNAN: Yeah, all the glory. (She turns to leave, as Hodgins shakes his head.) (Cut to Wong Foo's. Booth is sitting at the bar with a red tropical drink with a paper umbrella sticking out of it. The TV is on showing the news.) TV REPORTER: Here's what we know so far. Evidence linking rap producer Randall Hall with the death of rising hip-hop star Deejay Mount led to charges being filed today by the district attorney. (Brennan appears in the background) Information coming to us slowly at this point but as soon as details- (Booth switches off the TV.) BRENNAN: (walking over to Booth at the bar and sitting down next to him) Getting yourself in the mood? BOOTH: (playing with the umbrella and eating the pineapple slice) Trying. You know, this really isn't gonna be the type of vacation I was hoping for. BRENNAN: Oh? BOOTH: Tessa's not going. Something came up at work (takes a sip of his drink). BRENNAN: That's too bad. I'm sorry. Hey, I like going on vacations by myself. BOOTH: Really? BRENNAN: Sure, nothing wrong with being alone. BOOTH: No, I mean, you like to go on vacation? BRENNAN: Yeah, I go places all the time. BOOTH: Do you ever just, you know, sit on the beach...pretend there's no such thing as skeletons? BRENNAN: Is that in any way fun? BOOTH: When was the last time you got away? BRENNAN: Got away from what? BOOTH: (chuckles) Oh, Bones, you know, because what usually happens to me...I think about not coming back (starts to get up). BRENNAN: Seriously? BOOTH: (putting on his jacket) Yeah, you know, you go with someone you joke about not going back to your real life...the two of you laugh. But when you're alone, the world is full of possibilities BRENNAN: See you next week. (Booth smiles and turns to leave. Brennan is left alone at the bar.) FIN

When Brennan and Angela get caught in a melee in a dance club, Brennan kicks someone into a wall, causing it to break open and revealing a mummified corpse and a stash of methamphetamine. Once it's determined a murder was committed, Brennan and Booth pair up to follow a trail of drugs and money within the Washington, DC, club scene. Their investigation uncovers a turf war between artists within the local urban music industry, where the quest for success may end in death. Meanwhile, it remains to be seen if Booth's current relationship is ready to move to the next level.

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Morning after. Sydney and Vaughn face each other in bed, Vaughn with his eyes closed and a smile on his face.) SYDNEY: How are we going to stay awake today? VAUGHN: Who cares? (He runs his hand along her shoulder.) SYDNEY: Vaughn? VAUGHN: How come you never call me Michael? SYDNEY: I do sometimes. Vaughn? VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: I'm graduating today. VAUGHN: What? When the hell did you have time to take a class this year? SYDNEY: I wasn't even going to go to the ceremony but... And I've been lying here remembering why I never gave school up and why I killed myself writing papers instead of... I don't know, accepting that I'd be an agent forever. VAUGHN: You're going to quit the CIA, aren't you? (Sydney nods.) (CIA with Sydney, Kendall, and Jack.) KENDALL: I'm afraid I can't endorse your resignation. SYDNEY: Excuse me? KENDALL: Well, with the Alliance gone, we got a hell of a mess to clean up. SYDNEY: You don't need me for that. KENDALL: Well, that's opinion. And what about Arvin Sloane, whom I think you would have a special interest in bringing to justice? SYDNEY: Sloane is just a cog in a machine that doesn't exist anymore. He's wanted in forty countries. I did everything for the CIA I said I would, and I'm done. KENDALL: Jack, you want to jump in here? JACK: For years, I wanted nothing more than to see you live a normal life. However, your value to the CIA is irrefutable. So while this is ultimately your choice, I suggest that given the enormity of the last two weeks, you may not want to make life-altering decisions without a little more perspective. SYDNEY: I've had two years of perspective! I am through letting Arvin Sloane control my life and I don't need your approval to resign! I told you as a courtesy! KENDALL: Well, then, I will pay you the courtesy of informing you that if you leave this agency, you forfeit the clearance to see your mother. SYDNEY: What, are you blackmailing me? KENDALL: Civilians aren't authorized to be in this facility, let alone have access to a terrorist we can't even acknowledge is in our custody! In or out, kiddo? Can't have it both ways. (Kendall walks away. Jack looks at Sydney.) JACK: Legally, he's right. Ethically, he's an ass. (Sydney walks down the long hall to Irina's cell. Irina smiles at her through the glass.) IRINA: Congratulations. Your father told me about your success. What about your associates at SD-6? You had friends there, yes? SYDNEY: I haven't seen them yet. I mean, they're still being debriefed. I'm sorry that I haven't been to see you in a while. IRINA: Well, I understand. I'm sure this has been overwhelming for you. SYDNEY: I graduate today. IRINA: I know. I would think you'd be more relieved with SD-6 and the Alliance gone. SYDNEY: I'm thinking about leaving the CIA. Which would mean giving up my clearance to see you. IRINA: You're too forgiving, Sydney. Don't pretend I'm something I'm not. I've never been a real mother to you and... you don't owe me a second chance. If you make this decision about me, you're a fool. In fact, if you decide to stay I won't agree to see you anymore. Take care of yourself. (Sydney takes a long look at Irina and then leaves. Irina puts her head down.) (Aquarium museum. Large fish tanks line the walls. People walk around.) TOUR GUIDE ANNOUNCER: By capturing on video a glimpse of this unique breeding ritual, we've improved our understanding of the reproduction of the weedy sea dragon. (A little boy runs through, being chased by his mother, Mrs. Caplan.) MRS. CAPLAN: Aaron! Aaron! Don't run! AARON: I just want to go back to the jellyfish! MRS. CAPLAN: Okay. Always make sure we can see you, okay? And hold on to your jacket, Aaron! TOUR GUIDE ANNOUNCER: It seeks out cavelike areas in the stony walls of the ocean and adheres its eggs to the interior walls. (Mr. Caplan walks behind them, his mind elsewhere. Mrs. Caplan takes Aaron over to the jellyfish tank.) MRS. CAPLAN: Okay, so you're going to stay here, right? AARON: Yes. MRS. CAPLAN: You're gonna stay here? AARON: Yeah! MRS. CAPLAN: Okay. AARON: Yeah. MRS. CAPLAN: I'll be right over there with your daddy, okay? (She walks over to Mr. Caplan.) MRS. CAPLAN: Where are you? MR. CAPLAN: Here. I'm here. MRS. CAPLAN: Neil, it's Aaron's birthday. Your head's still at the blackboard. MR. CAPLAN: Honey... I-I just... I need two more months, that's it. I-I am this close. MRS. CAPLAN: I can't stand any more promises you don't keep! MR. CAPLAN: I don't know how else to do this! MRS. CAPLAN: Maybe you don't. There are other fields. MR. CAPLAN: Once the polytechnic goes public with the design, I'll slow down. I mean, I'll stop. I promise. MRS. CAPLAN: Think about your father. Aaron's growing up, and you're missing it. MR. CAPLAN: Where is he? (They look over to the jellyfish. Aaron's red jacket is on the ground and he's nowhere to be seen.) TOUR GUIDE ANNOUNCER: Research done here in the museum has improved our understanding of the reproduction of this rare species... MR. CAPLAN: Aaron! MRS. CAPLAN: Aaron! Aaron! Excuse me, did you see a little boy? He's five-years-old, he's got a striped shirt on, he's got brown hair, his name is Aaron. STRANGER: No. I'm sorry. MRS. CAPLAN: Aaron! MR. CAPLAN: I'll check the gift shop. MRS. CAPLAN: Aaron! (Mr. Caplan starts off for the gift shop. He turns a corner and Sark steps forward.) SARK: Mr. Caplan. I believe I can help you locate your son. And your wife. (Francie and Sydney and Will's. Francie and Will sit at the table, Will doing a crossword.) WILL: It's a big day. FRANCIE: Here she comes. (Sydney steps out of her bedroom wearing her cap and gown.) WILL: Oh there she--okay. Seriously? Oh, my God. SYDNEY: Francie, what? Earrings, necklace? What do I need? FRANCIE: Let's see... (She gets up and takes a step closer.) FRANCIE: You look beautiful. (She gives Sydney a hug, her smile disappearing.) FRANCIE: I'm so proud of you. (Sydney seems to detect weird behavior.) SYDNEY: Thank you. (The telephone rings.) WILL: What's a four-letter word for "ice cream thickener"? SYDNEY: Agar. A-G-A-R. FRANCIE: (on phone) Hello? Just a minute. WILL: How'd you know that? FRANCIE: Phone for you. (Francie hands it over.) SYDNEY: Hello? SLOANE: Congratulations, Sydney. You have so many things to celebrate today. I, myself, am still coping with the pain and disappointment of learning that you and Jack were double agents. The two people I trusted most in the world. WILL: How many "S"s in "Massachusetts"? Oh, sorry. (Sydney leaves the room for privacy.) SLOANE: Our first honest conversation, Sydney, and you have nothing to say? SYDNEY: Listen to me, you son of a bitch! You have been a plague on my life. You repulse me! Every time I sat across from you, listening to your lies, all I could do was fantasize about slashing your throat! SLOANE: Well, I can't pretend to be surprised that you feel that way. My only hope is that you can learn to forgive me. As hurt as I am, I know I can forgive you. After all, Sydney, I helped you. SYDNEY: What are you talking about? SLOANE: You don't really think it was a coincidence that I happened to be away these past two weeks, do you? The intel that you acquired that allowed the CIA to take down the Alliance -- I provided that. My involvement with the Alliance is merely a means to an end. SYDNEY: Why are you telling me this? SLOANE: Because knowing that I'm alive is going to tempt you to come after me. Don't. We've helped set each other free, Sydney. And as much as I wish you well, I will end your life if you get in my way. (Briefing room at the CIA. Kendall, Jack, Vaughn, Sydney.) SYDNEY: He called me at home. To warn me. No matter where he is, I can be gotten to. JACK: Unfortunately, you're not the only one. Neil Caplan. He's a mathematecian working out of Cal Tech. KENDALL: The bureau just confirmed that he and his family were kidnapped from the Long Beach Aquarium yesterday. Parking lot surveillance cameras recorded this. (He starts the video which shows Caplan being ushered into a van by two men. Behind them is Sark.) SYDNEY: Sark. JACK: Doubtful he's acting alone. I assume his partnership with Sloane is alive and well. SYDNEY: What do they want with a mathematician? JACK: He specializes in a branch of mathematics called knot theory. VAUGHN: Knot as in tie a knot? JACK: Simply put, it's the study of geometric objects and how they fit together. All Alliance facilities have been raided yet we haven't found a single Rambaldi artifact. If Sloane was expecting our raid, he could've had everything moved to a secure location. He must be using Caplan to help him assemble a Rambaldi device. VAUGHN: So what happens when Sloane puts the pieces together? JACK: Whether or not you believe Rambaldi was a prophet, he did anticipate technological advances, many of which seem most applicable to warfare. It's likely Sloane is building a weapon. SYDNEY: He planned for this. He wanted the Alliance gone. And this family that he's taken hostage, they aren't the only people whose lives he'll destroy. This is never going to stop. (Kendall plops down a stack of papers.) KENDALL: Your resignation form. Sign it, and you're out. (Warehouse. Sloane walks in a room where Sark and another man stands with Mr. Caplan, who is seated at a table, handcuffed to the chair. Caplan groans.) SLOANE: Your glasses. (He gives them to Caplan.) SLOANE: Mr. Caplan, my name is Arvin Sloane. MR. CAPLAN: Where's my family? SLOANE: They're alive. And if you cooperate, you'll be reunited soon enough. MR. CAPLAN: Where am I? SLOANE: Years ago, I was with the army corps of engineering. They wanted me to study this. (He opens a leather satchel.) SLOANE: That manuscript is 500-years-old. Those sketches were drawn by a man named Milo Rambaldi. You will see that Rambaldi prophesied scientific principles centuries ahead of his time. Protoypes of his designs have turned up all over the world. For the past thirty years, I've been collecting them. MR. CAPLAN: I don't understand. Why do you want me? I'm nobody. SLOANE: You're going to help me put them together because, you see, Mr. Caplan, I know that you feel like you're only a hostage right now. But I assume you became a scientist to discover what secrets the universe has to offer. Believe me, when we're done here, you'll be thanking me for giving you the answer. So why don't you go ahead and take a look? (Caplan picks up a document.) (Dixon sits at a table in a room at the CIA. His tie is loosened and he looks very near tears. Sydney enters. She hesitantly sits at the table across from him.) SYDNEY: I wanted to be the one to come in and tell you officially that you've been cleared. The CIA has concluded that you had no knowledge of what was really going on at SD-6. They want to offer you a place here. (He says nothing, just staring at her coldly, practically rolling his eyes.) SYDNEY: Dixon, you have to know that you were my anchor. Your friendship was the only thing that kept me sane. DIXON: How long have you known? SYDNEY: Two years. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I was ordered not to. The CIA had no way to verify what I knew in my heart was true -- that you would never consider working for a man like Arvin Sloane. DIXON: We were partners. You lied to me, then chose to tell me the truth when it was convenient for you. I never want to see you again. (At the CIA ops center upstairs, Marshall is reacting to his new life in a very different way. He speed walks and talks to another tech officer who takes notes.) MARSHALL: Okay! I'll need taps into all gov networks -- NSA, DOD, FBI, CIA. Oh, I'll need a red phone to the president. TECH GUY: No. MARSHALL: That's all right, I just thought I'd ask. I'll need a cryogen air prototype rig. Don't worry, I'll put my own baffles on the heat sync so it won't be too loud. (He walks into the main area and looks around in complete wonder.) MARSHALL: Wow! VAUGHN: Marshall. I'm Michael Vaughn. Welcome to the CIA. MARSHALL: Heard that one before. VAUGHN: Well, this time it's for real. We have a desk set up for you. MARSHALL: Oh, okay. Oh, Syd! SYDNEY: Marshall. (They hug.) MARSHALL: Hey. SYDNEY: You okay? MARSHALL: Yeah, I mean, every few minutes I have to fight the urge to weep openly. I'm not really sure where that's coming from yet but I think that's healthy, right? SYDNEY: Listen, I know you need time to adjust but we could really use your help with something. Look, we're trying to find Sloane but we can't access any information from his computer. MARSHALL: Well, he probably erased everything from his hard drive before he left and the deletion program I installed last year exceeded DOD sanitizing standards 'cause, you know, I thought I was working for the government! You know the story because you also thought you were working for -- I mean, you actually were working for the government and we didn't really know but that's okay. I'll see what I can do. (Dixon walks in his house. His wife is doing dishes at the sink.) MRS. DIXON: Hey, baby. Got your message, sorry your business trip was delayed. (He gives her a little kiss.) DIXON: Where are the kids? MRS. DIXON: At the park with Mandy. Glad the bank at least gave you the rest of the day off. DIXON: Diane. MRS. DIXON: Hmm? DIXON: We need to talk. (She stops doing dishes and turns to him.) MRS. DIXON: What is it? Is it your mother? DIXON: No. (He starts to cry a little.) DIXON: I don't work at a bank. I never have. (Vaughn, Sydney and Jack are crowded around Marshall's computer.) MARSHALL: Well, I was able to recover a few fragments from the RAM drive on Sloane's database. One of them was the most recent doc he was working on. It's a digital rolodex. Now, he checked one address in it. Holden Gendler, Van Nuys. Guy's a cybernetic specialist. JACK: I'll go. (Jack kicks in the door, flashlight and gun in hand. He walks in, looking for anything. He sweeps his flashlight over the office and comes around the desk where he finds Holden -- the nerd from "The Getaway" who gave Sloane his new wedding ring and was shot. His left eye is emitting a beeping sound and a red light flashes from the eyeball.) (Briefing with Marshall, Kendall, Jack, Sydney, Vaughn.) MARSHALL: Okay, um, now, usually redeye is a photographic effect caused by light reflecting in the pupil, but in Holden Gendler's case? (He shows the eyeball.) MARSHALL: It was caused by this. It's an intra-ocular retinal implant. KENDALL: You care to elaborate? MARSHALL: Yeah, of course, Mr. Ken--Director. 'Cause you're the Director Kendall. Right. Um, that's one L? KENDALL: Two. MARSHALL: It's two. Of course. Why would it--by the way, sir, this place? So much cooler than SD-6. KENDALL: How about the point? MARSHALL: Of course. Sorry. So, basically this guy Gendler, he was blind in his left eye so he used himself a a guinea pig for wetware experiments, interfacing technology with the human brain. Real cutting edge. Basically this implant connects with the optical nerve which sends impulses to the vision center in his brain. VAUGHN: What did Sloane want with a wetware expert? JACK: All Alliance members were injected with a tracking device. Sloane must've hired Gendler to deactivate his so he could disappear. MARSHALL: Right. But there's more. Now, this little baby records everything it sees on an internal memory. Now the LED light was blinking because it was full so I was able to download twelve hours of footage. Now there was no audio so I created a lip reading program. Just whipped it up. No extra charge. And, uh, take a look at what I found. This is the last thing Gendler saw. (On the video screen, we get a POV shot of Sloane shooting Gendler. Sloane comes around the desk and shoots him again.) MARSHALL: Mr. Sloane... (Sloane takes out his cell phone. An electronic voice does the lip reading.) ELECTRONIC VOICE: It's Sloane. I've chartered a C-123 out of Shipman to transport the artifacts. I will be in touch. JACK: "Shipman" could refer to the airfield in the Mojave desert. We've surveilled it before. It's operated by a transatlantic smuggling cartel. Ex-military, dishonorably discharged after the Gulf war. They're well-armed, highly organized. And they do have a C-123 in their fleet. KENDALL: I could have a tactical team there in three hours. Once these guys understand their legal options, they'll be inclined to tell us where Sloane went. SYDNEY: Interrogating the employees could take days. And Sloane doesn't just let hostages go when he's done with them. KENDALL: I'm open to suggestions. SYDNEY: If we could get into the facility undetected and access the flight data recorder on the plane Sloane chartered, we could track him directly to his last destination. KENDALL: Spoken like a true volunteer. (In a bathroom somewhere, Mrs. Caplan and Aaron are huddled on the floor, handcuffed to a pipe on the wall.) AARON: I'm hungry. (Sark and another man enter.) MRS. CAPLAN: Where's my husband? SARK: Your husband is a gifted individual. And we need his assistance for a short while. Should he choose to cooperate, this will soon be an unpleasant memory. (He bends down to them and takes out a recorder.) SARK: We'd like for you to tell your husband that you support his cooperation and if he doesn't, your son will be the first to suffer. MRS. CAPLAN: Oh, God... (Aaron cries. Sark holds out the tape recorder.) (At the Mojave airfield, Vaughn meets with one of the employees and opens a crate that holds some weapons. A man stands behind Vaughn.) VAUGHN: So, Mr. Johnson, I need these shipped to Beijing by tomorrow. MR. JOHNSON: You know what I find most interesting, Mr. Ludlow? Is that for an accomplished arms merchant, I've never heard your name. (A gun cocks behind Vaughn, pointed right at his head.) MR. JOHNSON: Now if you're really an expert, you'll know what kind of gun is pointed at the back of your head by the sound of the hammer. VAUGHN: An M19-11. But if he were really going to shoot me, he would have disengaged the thumb safety. MR. JOHNSON: I got a charter leaving for Asia in a half an hour. If the money and the delivery instructions are in that briefcase as we discussed, it's been a pleasure doing business with you. [SCENE_BREAK] (A forklift takes the large crate and drops it inside a plane. Vaughn's Ford SUV parks nearby. The forklift backs out and leaves the crate there. Sydney rolls out of it, dressed as a workperson with her jumpsuit on.) SYDNEY: Good call on the gun. I would'v esaid Baretta M-9. VAUGHN: Figured I had a 50/50 chance. (Sydney walks around in the hangar.) SYDNEY: Found the AFT access plane, I'm looking for the flight data recorder. Found it! Attaching the disk imager. (On Vaughn's hand-held computer, it starts downloading.) VAUGHN: Receiving uplink now. (The plane starts, its propeller whirring to life.) VAUGHN: Uplink complete, get out of there. (A cartel employee discovers Sydney.) EMPLOYEE: What are you doing here? I don't have a work order in this aircraft. Give me your ID, I'm calling this in. (She hands it over.) EMPLOYEE: Tower, I need confirmation-- (Sydney knees him in the gut, elbows him and punches him. He falls to the ground.) SYDNEY: Vaughn, I've been made! Meet me at the northwest hangar! VAUGHN: Copy that, I'm on my way! (Tires screeching, he takes off. Sydney runs out of the plane when another employee, this one holding a gun, comes around and sees her. She kicks the gun away and, near the propeller, they start to fight. She blocks several punches and receives a few. She grabs a box of nails from the nearby table and throws it at him, some of the nails hitting the propeller and zinging away. Sydney grabs a wrench and jabs it at him. He kicks her on the back of her neck, sending her forward to the propeller. He flings her to the ground and kicks her. Sydney, on the ground, yanks at a thick cord he was standing on which sends him backwards, landing in the propellor. Blood flies everywhere as Vaughn drives up.) VAUGHN: Get in! (She runs to the SUV and jumps in.) SYDNEY: GO! (They drive off.) (It's raining outside. Night. Dixon sits out on his porch with a drink. Tears in his eyes. A car pulls up and Diane steps out, comes to the porch and sits next to him.) DIXON: Where did you stay last night? MRS. DIXON: At my sister's. The kids are there. The time you were shot, you told me that you had been mugged. If you had died that day, I would have buried a stranger. Look, I don't know if a single word you have ever said to me was true! DIXON: My love for you is true. My love for our children is true. As a husband, as a father... I couldn't honestly say I was protecting my family unless I was out there! MRS. DIXON: Except that you were working for the people that make the world more dangerous. DIXON: I thought I was serving our country. This man -- Sloane... I will never lie to you again. The CIA's offered me a job. MRS. DIXON: Marcus, I did not choose a life of wondering whether my husband was coming home every night. You take that job, you take it alone. (She goes inside, leaving Dixon to sit on the porch alone, in the rain.) (Caplan drops his glasses on the table, rubs at his head.) SLOANE: Will you help us? MR. CAPLAN: You want me to help you? You let my family go. That is the only way! SLOANE: No. That is not the only way. (He hits play on the recorder.) MRS. CAPLAN'S VOICE: Help them, honey. Do what they want, please, or they're going to hurt Aaron... (He rubs at his eyes.) MR. CAPLAN: You want me to help you put this thing together. Are you telling me that these pieces exist? SLOANE: You're sitting in a warehouse full of them. MR. CAPLAN: According to this, each artifact is generating its own unique magnetic field. These fields determine where in the overall design the pieces go. The problem is, there's no room for error in the calculations and the equipment you gave me isn't sensitive enough for me to measure the fields with perfect accuracy. I need something I don't have! SLOANE: The magnetometer you're developing for the Swiss polytechnic. MR. CAPLAN: How do you know about that? SLOANE: I know about a lot of things. MR. CAPLAN: You're asking me to do something I cannot do. The magnetometer was designed to measure magnetic fields in space. It would be sensitive enough to do this kind of work but until it's cleared patent, the polytechnics have got it locked up in a vault somewhere. SLOANE: The Amcorp bank. It's two miles from here. MR. CAPLAN: We're in Switzerland? SLOANE: By tomorrow, you'll have what you need. (Outside the interrogation room, Sloane speaks on his cell.) SLOANE: Just a few more days, Emily. Well, I'm still waiting for the owner to counter. Yeah, of course it has a garden. As a matter of fact, I'm looking out the window at the garden right now. yes. I miss you too, my love. (He enters his office and takes a seat behind the desk. Sark sits nearby.) SARK: What happens when your wife's ready to move to her Tuscan villa? SLOANE: I purchased it six months ago. SARK: I made contact with our point man. He's assembling a team for the bank but I must question your decision to lead them in yourself. In spite of your precautions, it's wildly risky, given your new level of notoreity. SLOANE: I'm approaching the finish line of a thirty-year odyssey. I won't let anyone else take the final steps for me. (CIA op center.) JACK: This is the flight plan we retrieved from the plane's data recorders. Sloane left Shimpan for an island off the coast of Bermuda. We're sending in a team but it's doubtful he's still there because the plane then went on to the Zurich airport in Switzerland. SYDNEY: It's a start, but he could be anywhere by now. JACK: Unless we assume Sloane went to Switzerland for a reason, that he isn't merely passing through, in that case we can expect him to hire local support, mercenaries. VAUGHN: I dealt with a guy in Switzerland. A headhunter we once used to put a black ops team together in western Europe. He controls most of the local territory. Sloane would use him if he needed mercs. KENDALL: Well, assuming he did, if this guy knows your CIA he could tip Sloane off. VAUGHN: He doesn't. We hired him fronting as a French crime syndicate. KENDALL: Set up a meet. You two are on a plane. (In Switzerland, Sloane meets with a prosthetic guy. His face is scanned in 3D on a computer and then is transformed into another face with the help of prosthetics.) SLOANE: The bank's facial recognition cameras will measure my underlying bone structure. PROSTHETICS: The cameras target the distance between your cheekbones. The prosthetics I'll apply are lined with a carbon powder. The system's data won't find a match. Even an X-ray would be fooled. SLOANE: Well, then, let's begin. (In a bar in Switzerland, a guy sits at a bar as the bartender pours him a drink. The guy takes a sip. Sydney and Vaughn enter, Sydney going over to the pool table. Vaughn sits next to his contact.) CONTACT: (in French) What's in the briefcase? VAUGHN: (in French) Five hundred thousand. CONTACT: (in French) Not nearly enough if you're looking to put together a team. VAUGHN: (in French) I'm not. I need information. CONTACT: (in French) I'm not an encyclopedia. VAUGHN: I'm not French. I'm CIA. We've tolerated your existence because you've been helpful but that tolerance can end now. We have reason to believe one of these men recently approached you to hire some of your contacts. Warm or cold? (He drops a picture of Sloane and Sark on the bar.) CONTACT: If you had told me the CIA was simply interested in my client list, I would have told you to go make love... with your mother. (Vaughn grabs him, bangs his head against the bar and pours the guy's drink over his head. The bartender bends down, getting a gun. Sydney grabs her gun and points it at the bartender.) SYDNEY: Hands! (Vaughn takes a lighter and flicks it on, putting the flame near the guy's head, which is drenched in the alcohol.) CONTACT: Ahhh, you broke my-- VAUGHN: Tell me if they came to see you! CONTACT: You broke my nose! VAUGHN: TALK TO ME! CONTACT: Okay, okay, they came! They hired some men! VAUGHN: For what? CONTACT: I don't know the details! VAUGHN: Tell me what you know! CONTACT: The woman and the child -- I know where they are! VAUGHN: Where?! CONTACT: In the other room, downstairs! (Vaughn and Sydney look at each other in shock.) VAUGHN: They're here? (Near the bathroom with the Caplan family, two guards play some cards at a table. Knock on a door. One guard gets up.) VOICE: C'est moi! (He opens the door a little and Sydney kicks in the door, knocking him back. Mrs. Caplan and Aaron are in the next room, huddled together, as they hear three shots. Sydney comes in, gun pointed and sees them. They cry. Vaughn comes in. Sydney heads for Mrs. Caplan, Vaughn heads for the little boy.) SYDNEY: It's okay! We're CIA agents, you're safe. VAUGHN: It's okay, buddy. SYDNEY: You're safe, come on. MRS. CAPLAN: (sobbing) Oh, God! (She hugs Sydney. The four of them get up, with Vaughn carrying Aaron.) MRS. CAPLAN: Where's my husband? SYDNEY: We're still looking for him. We're doing everything we can. MRS. CAPLAN: What's your name? SYDNEY: Sydney. Sydney Bristow. MRS. CAPLAN: Thank you, Sydney. (She carries Aaron out of there.) MRS. CAPLAN: Shhh, shhh, shhh... VAUGHN: Syd, one of the guys had a cell phone. If either Sark or Sloane called directly, we can trace him. (At the CIA, Marshall is surrounded by a few agents.) TECH GUY: We still don't get how you detected the tap we put on the SD-6 network last year. MARSHALL: Yes, that was a noble attempt, gentleman, a noble attempt. But, uh, you see, what happened was it was interfering with my online Dungeon Master game. My gnome kept skipping a frame every time he swung his battle ax, so... (His phone rings.) MARSHALL: Oh, my God. My first phone call. Excuse me. (picks up) Yeah, this is Marshall? SYDNEY: Marshall, it's me. I need you to run a location trace on every incoming call that was made to the phone I'm talking to you on. MARSHALL: Sure, Syd, no problem. (He sits down at his computer and changes to a headset.) MARSHALL: Okay, I need you to scroll to the incoming call menu on the phone and then hit pound, pound, and then send. SYDNEY: Okay, hold on. (She does so.) MARSHALL: I'm getting fifteen locations. SYDNEY: Any of them in Zurich? MARSHALL: Uh, two. The first one was made from a payphone at the Zurich airport. SYDNEY: No good. Next! MARSHALL: Made from a cell phone. I can probably triangulate the location if it's on. I got it! It's moving. SYDNEY: Where is it? MARSHALL: Looks like the Amcorp bank on Newmarket Street. SYDNEY: I'll call you right back. (hangs up) We're going to Newmarket Street. (Sydney and Vaughn are speeding down the streets of Zurich, both speaking on their phones.) SYDNEY: Marshall, we're heading south on Burgstrasse! VAUGHN: The robbery is in progress! SYDNEY: Burgstrasse! Are you copying my signal? MARSHALL: Yeah, yeah, I got you. Make a right at the next light! SYDNEY: Hold on! (She does so, swinging into the lanes.) (At the bank, in the underground parking lot [which looks like the Credit Dauphine one], a limo drives up with Sark behind the wheel. Three men get out and then Sloane steps out, wearing his prosthetics. Two men greet them.) SHYER: Mr. Skopic, welcome. I'm Claude Shyer, president of Amcorp bank. We spoke on the phone. SLOANE: Ah, yes. Thank you for accomodating me on such short notice. SHYER: Not at all. Fifty million dollars in cash is not the kind of thing one likes to leave under one's pillow for very long. This is our bank manager, Peter Kuntz. KUNTZ: Hello. SLOANE: Pleasure. SHYER: He will take you to our vault while I secure your deposit. SLOANE: Good. (Sydney zooms through the traffic.) (Kuntz leads Sloane and his mean down a flight of stairs, heading for the vault.) KUNTZ: Can I offer you anything? An espresso? SLOANE: Oh, thank you very much, most kind. But due to a sensitive stomach my physician has prohibited caffeine from my diet. KUNTZ: Very well. After you. (The camera high up on the wall is on. In the limo, Sark types on his laptop.) SARK: I've spliced into the facial registration database. (No match found.) SARK: You've cleared their system. (At the vault, Kuntz enters.) SARK: I'll need ten seconds. Keep him talking a bit longer. SLOANE: Herr Kuntz, let me ask you something. This American war on terrorism, has it affected your procedure in any way at all? SARK: Looping the feed... now. KUNTZ: I assure you, our institution is one of the most safest in the world. (Sloane takes out a gun and shoots him.) SLOANE: Box 4747! (The men open the briefcases that held the fifty million deposit -- it's rigged with explosives.) (Sydney speeds through the traffic.) MARSHALL: Okay, take a left into the alley! VAUGHN: I guess it's pointless to say we should wait for backup? (Sydney doesn't answer, just floors it through the alley. A pedestrian is walking by, cars going by on the street in front of them.) VAUGHN: Sydney, you're going too fast! SYDNEY! (She almost hits someone, flies into the street and looks back as the cars stop, blaring their horns. She comes to a stop in front of the bank.) (In the vault, they open box 4747 and take out a briefcase. Sloane opens it and finds the magnetometer. He smiles.) (Up in the lobby, Sydney and Vaughn march in. Sydney shows her badge to a security guard at the door.) SYDNEY: Who's in charge? (Claude Shyer sits at a desk nearby.) SHYER: What can I do for you? SYDNEY: We're United States agents. Lockdown your vault, you're being robbed. SHYER: I think you're mistaken. (He turns the monitor to face them. The disguised Sloane is seen talking to Kuntz. There's a slight flicker in the feed.) SYDNEY: It's looped. That's him. (In his limo, Sark watches the video feed of Sydney and Vaughn at Shyer's desk.) SARK: Sydney's in the lobby! She's by the entrance! (Sydney looks up as Sloane and his guards come up in the lobby. She takes out her gun and points it at him across the way.) SYDNEY: SLOANE! (He looks. The guards point their guns at Sydney and Vaughn. People scream, run and hide. Vaughn and Sydney have their guns pointed.) SLOANE: Hold your fire! MERCENARY: Get down! SLOANE: I warned you, Sydney. I can't guarantee your safety in a situation like this. SYDNEY: There's no way I'm letting you walk out of here! SLOANE: Ah... you must be the man that Sark told me about. The man that Sydney was willing to kill me for. VAUGHN: She would have killed you for a lot less. SYDNEY: The police are on their way. We have Caplan's family. Give up! SLOANE: We've rigged the lower level with enough C-4 to level the entire city block so if we don't walk out of here... nobody does. SYDNEY: You're bluffing. (He takes out a remote trigger from his jacket pocket.) SLOANE: I'm not the only one carrying a remote trigger. The entire bank is monitored via satellite by an off-site team. If they don't see me walk out of here in thirty seconds, they'll detonate. So I suggest that you both lower your guns. Lower... your guns. (She puts hers down. Vaughn reluctantly obeys.) SLOANE: Toss them on the ground. (She does. Vaughn follows.) SLOANE: And you, my dear... you'll be driving me out of here. (He tosses her a set of keys. Sydney catches them.)

Sydney must make a life-defining decision regarding her future with CIA, while Sloane re-emerges and continues his obsessive quest to piece together the mysterious Rambaldi artifacts-with the reluctant aid of a kidnapped scientist named Neil Caplan. Meanwhile, Dixon's marriage is put to the test after he tells his wife the truth about his occupation.

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I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Note: "Previously on Buffy" was not shown at the beginning of this episode. The episode opens with a rollback to the end of "I Was Made To Love You." Buffy enters her home. BUFFY: (calling) Hey, Mom. She turns, sees some flowers on the table beside the door. BUFFY: Ooh. She opens the card that came with the flowers. Shot of the card, which reads: "Thank you for a _lovely_ evening. See you soon? Brian." BUFFY: (to herself) Still a couple of guys gettin' it right. She turns to call up the stairs, putting down her jacket. BUFFY: (calls) Hey. Flower-gettin' lady. Want me to pick Dawn up from school? In the background, on the living room sofa, we can see someone or something, but it's out of focus; the focus is on Buffy in the foreground. Buffy frowns, looks down the hall toward the kitchen. BUFFY: Mom? She turns and looks in the living room. BUFFY: What are you doing? She walks into the living room, stops. Shot of Joyce lying on the sofa. Her eyes are open, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. One arm hangs loosely over the edge of the sofa. She does not move or blink. BUFFY: (quieter) Mom? (even quieter) Mom? (very quietly) Mommy? Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Randy Thompson, Amber Benson as Tara, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written and directed by Joss Whedon. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] NOTE: There is no background music at all in this episode. Open on the Summers dining room. Christmas lights are lit around the walls and candles are burning all around. On the left side of the table are Buffy, Anya, and Xander. On the right are Dawn, Willow, and Tara. Giles sits at one end, Joyce at the other end. As the scene opens, Buffy and Joyce stand up. JOYCE: I think we're just about ready for pie. (She and Buffy begin clearing dishes) XANDER: Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf. BUFFY: Xander! XANDER: No, no, (to Joyce) barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good, and too much goodness... JOYCE: I'm taking it as a compliment. GILES: Yes, uh, everything was delicious. (stands to help clear) ANYA: Yes, I'm going to barf too. Joyce smiles wryly as she carries a pile of dirty dishes past Anya toward the kitchen. JOYCE: (sarcastic) Everyone's so sweet. Joyce, Giles, and Buffy exit. Xander looks to see if Joyce is angry, then turns back to the table. XANDER: How you doing there, Will, are you in the vomit club too? WILLOW: (groaning) I had too much nog. TARA: (sympathetic) Oh, baby, want me to rub your tummy? (to the others) She likes it when I ... (pauses, quietly) stop explaining things. DAWN: My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it. WILLOW: That's bad. XANDER: Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty booze hound. Tara and Dawn giggle. WILLOW: Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah. TARA: (to Dawn) Oh, did you write him a letter? XANDER: What'd you ask for? DAWN: Um, guys, hello, puberty? Sorta figured out the whole no Santa thing. ANYA: That's a myth. DAWN: Yeah. ANYA: No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus. Everyone looks surprised. XANDER: The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. (turns to Anya) Inside scoop. TARA: There's a Santa Claus? ANYA: Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. He wasn't always called Santa, but you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true. DAWN: (smiles hopefully) All true? Buffy re-enters and begins clearing more dishes. ANYA: Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disemboweled children, but otherwise... TARA: The reindeer part was nice. The camera follows Buffy as, smiling, she carries dishes into the kitchen. We see Giles doing something by the counter and Joyce taking something out of the oven. JOYCE: Damn it! I hate this oven. It burnt. She puts a pie on the kitchen island. BUFFY: Oh, no, it's just blackened, you know, it's, it's Cajun pie. Giles turns and we see he's holding a bottle of wine. GILES: (to Joyce) Shall I open another? JOYCE: Oh, do you think we dare? BUFFY: As long as you two stay away from the band candy, I'm cool with anything. Joyce and Giles look embarrassed. Giles clears his throat, grabs the bottle opener and moves off, out of the picture frame. Buffy begins examining the burnt pie. JOYCE: (quietly to Buffy) You are a demon child. BUFFY: I live to torment you, is that so wrong? JOYCE: A daughter's duty, I suppose. (kisses Buffy on the forehead) BUFFY: Look, all we have to do is just cut off a little bit of the burnt... As she begins trying to cut the pie, it falls off the island and onto the floor. Cut back to present day. Shot of Joyce's face as she lies on the sofa, her eyes open and unseeing. Buffy rushes over and begins shaking Joyce by the shoulders. BUFFY: Mom! Mom! Mom Mom Mom- She repeats the word many times and then shouts it in Joyce's face, getting no reaction. Buffy gets up, panting and sniffling. The camera follows her into the kitchen where she picks up the phone and dials 911. She fidgets anxiously while it rings. 911 OPERATOR: 911 emergency. BUFFY: Hello? 911 OPERATOR: Do you have... BUFFY: My mom, she, she's not breathing. 911 OPERATOR: Is she conscious? BUFFY: (moving back into living room) No. I-I-I can't, she, she's not breathing. 911 OPERATOR: OK, I need you to give me your address. BUFFY: What? 911 OPERATOR: I'm gonna send an ambulance over. BUFFY: Si-Sixteen thirty Rivelo, it-it's a house, Rivelo near Hadley. 911 OPERATOR: I'm sending a unit right away. Are you alone in the house? BUFFY: Yes. 911 OPERATOR: Well, did you see what happened, did she fall? BUFFY: No, no, I-I came home and she-what should I do? 911 OPERATOR: Do you know how to administer CPR? BUFFY: (upset) No, I don't remember. 911 OPERATOR: Okay, it's very simple. You wanna tilt your mother's head back. Cover her mouth with yours, and breathe into her mouth. The operator continues talking but Buffy drops the phone to her side and moves toward Joyce. BUFFY: I know this. I know this. God. She puts the phone down and takes hold of Joyce's legs, pulls Joyce down across the sofa so that she lies flat. BUFFY: I can do this. Okay. Okay. She tilts Joyce's head back, opens her mouth, pinches Joyce's nose shut and breathes into Joyce's mouth twice. Then she begins chest compressions. BUFFY: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... She makes a face, does two more breaths and resumes compressions. BUFFY: One, two, three... (We hear a cracking noise) Oh! Oh god. She reaches for the phone. BUFFY: I, are you there? I, I broke something. 911 OPERATOR: Hello? BUFFY: It cracked. 911 OPERATOR: Is she breathing? BUFFY: No. 911 OPERATOR: Paramedics should be there in a moment. You might have cracked a rib. It's not important. BUFFY: (putting her hand on Joyce's) She's cold. Beat. 911 OPERATOR: The body's cold? BUFFY: No, my mom! Sh-should I make her warm? 911 OPERATOR: No ... if she's not responding to CPR, the best thing is to wait for the paramedics, okay? BUFFY: (angry) When will they be here? 911 OPERATOR: They're very nearby. Buffy drops the phone to her side and looks up at the window, stands up. Bright sunshine streams in the window. It's totally quiet except the faint sound of the 911 operator's voice. Buffy brings the phone back up to her ear. BUFFY: (very quietly) I have to make a call. She presses the hang-up button. Lingering shot of the telephone number pad. Buffy hits a speed dial button. We hear it dialing, ringing. GILES: (on phone) Hello? BUFFY: (softly) Giles. You have to come. GILES: (on phone) Buffy? BUFFY: She's at the house. She turns the phone off, turns to look over her shoulder. She walks to the front door, opens it and looks out. We hear a siren and the sound of the ambulance coming to a stop. Buffy goes back inside, leaving the door open. Buffy walks back into the living room. Zoom in on Joyce lying on the sofa. Zoom in on Buffy staring at her as we hear the ambulance doors close and footsteps approaching. Pan down Joyce's torso. She wears a knee-length skirt but it has bunched up a bit and her slip is showing. Buffy glances anxiously toward the door, goes over and pulls Joyce's skirt down to cover the slip. She turns and goes back to the doorway separating the living room from the foyer. BUFFY: She's in here. Two male paramedics enter, carrying equipment. Buffy watches anxiously as they put their stuff down and check Joyce. The first one puts his hand on Joyce's throat. PARAMEDIC 1: I'm getting no pulse. PARAMEDIC 2: Let's lay her out. They lift Joyce onto the floor. Paramedic 1 has a stethoscope and a flashlight. PARAMEDIC 2: (to Buffy) How long's she been like this? BUFFY: I found her, a-a few, few minutes. Paramedic 1 checks Joyce's eyes. Paramedic 2 attaches some wires to Joyce's chest. PARAMEDIC 2: Was she conscious? BUFFY: No. PARAMEDIC 1: I'm bagging her. BUFFY: What? PARAMEDIC 2: We're gonna intubate. Just trying to get her to breathe, all right? Buffy nods. Paramedic 1 reaches for more equipment. PARAMEDIC 2: This your mother? BUFFY: Yes. PARAMEDIC 2: She have any serious physical health problems, any history of heart disease? BUFFY: No. Pan across Paramedic 1 by Joyce's head, to Paramedic 2 by Joyce's waist, to the EKG machine showing a flat line. BUFFY: I mean, there, there was a tumor, (Paramedic 1 inserting a tube in Joyce's mouth) a brain tumor, but she had an operation and she's fine now. She, she's been fine. Shot of Joyce's face with an oxygen mask covering it. Paramedic 1 holds the mask in place while Paramedic 2 is doing chest compressions. The machine makes a rhythmic breath-like sound. Paramedic 2 checks Joyce's wrist for a pulse, resumes chest compressions. Suddenly Joyce begins to cough and gasp. Paramedic 1 removes the mask. PARAMEDIC 1: I got her! My god, we got her! PARAMEDIC 2: Let's get her on the truck now. I'm calling ahead. The two paramedics stand up as Buffy rushes forward. Joyce opens her eyes and looks at her. PARAMEDIC 1: (faintly in background) Never brought one back this stiff. JOYCE: Buffy. BUFFY: I'm here. Shot of the top of an ambulance, lights flashing, siren wailing as it rushes down the street. Cut to Buffy and Joyce in the ambulance with the paramedics. PARAMEDIC 1: It's a miracle. That's what it is, a beautiful miracle. Cut to Joyce in a hospital bed, Dawn sitting on the bed beside her, Buffy and a doctor standing next to the bed. DOCTOR: Good as new. JOYCE: Buffy, thank god you found me in ti- Zoom in on Buffy as Joyce says this. Cut back to the living room as we realize this was all in Buffy's imagination. She is still standing there watching the paramedics work. Utter silence except the sound of Paramedic 2 continuing CPR. Shot of the EKG machine still showing flatline. Paramedic 2 stops CPR and turns to Paramedic 1. PARAMEDIC 2: She's cold, man. Shot of Buffy staring wide-eyed. PARAMEDIC 2: Call it. Paramedic 1 looks grim, begins to pack up his stuff. Buffy's lower lip begins to tremble. Paramedic 2 stands up slowly and walks toward Buffy. He appears blurry (from Buffy's perspective). PARAMEDIC 2: I'm sorry. BUFFY: (OS) Wha-what do we do now? PARAMEDIC 2: I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that... Buffy staring up at him wide-eyed. PARAMEDIC 2: (OS) ...your mother's dead. Buffy stares. PARAMEDIC 2: It looks like she did die a good while before you found her. There's .. nothing you could have done. In the background we see Paramedic 1 packing up, removing the wires from Joyce's chest. BUFFY: W-what... The camera shows Paramedic 2 from around the nose area to mid-chest; his eyes and the top of his head are off the top of the screen. PARAMEDIC 2: I'm guessing it must have been a aneurysm or some clotting. Some complication from surgery. She probably felt... Buffy staring at him with tears in her eyes. PARAMEDIC 2: ...very little pain. I'm gonna call it in. The coroner's office will come by and take her in, and they'll determine the cause of death conclusively. Buffy continues to stare at him. We hear the ambulance radio. RADIO: Dispatch 7, we have a 206, what's your status? PARAMEDIC 1: We're moving. RADIO: Location is Beaumont and 9th, your gig is on the street, go now. PARAMEDIC 1: Okay. We gotta fly. PARAMEDIC 2: All right. (to Buffy) I'm gonna call this right away. All of this takes place offscreen while the camera focuses on Buffy's stunned expression. Now it switches again to the shot of the paramedic's lower face. PARAMEDIC 2: Now the coroner's office may take a while. In the meanwhile, I think you should sit. Have a glass of water, and try not to disturb the body. Buffy still staring up at him. PARAMEDIC 2: Do you need anything, is there someone you can call? BUFFY: (softly) Someone's coming. In the background Paramedic 1 walks to the doorway carrying his stuff. PARAMEDIC 1: Let's go. Paramedic 2 turns to pick up his stuff, turns back to Buffy. PARAMEDIC 2: I'm very sorry for your loss. BUFFY: Thank you. He exits, leaving the front door open. Buffy walks to the door, still holding the phone, and looks out. BUFFY: Good luck. Sound of the ambulance doors closing, engine starting, driving away. Buffy turns and walks back inside, still holding the phone, still looking dazed. She looks toward Joyce. We hear the ambulance siren starting up. Buffy turns and walks toward the kitchen, putting down the phone on a table. She gets to the back of the living room just before the kitchen door. Suddenly she falls to her knees and vomits on the floor. We hear the sound of wind chimes over the retching noises. Buffy is at the very bottom of the screen with the majority of the picture showing the wall, a small side table, and the open window in which the wind chimes are hanging. Buffy stands up slowly, her back to the camera. She puts a hand on her stomach, walks through the kitchen to the back door, opens it and looks out. We hear birds singing, distant voices, ordinary city noises. Closeup on Buffy's face, sweaty and pale. She stand there for a moment, then turns back inside, leaning on the door for support. She looks at the kitchen island, goes over to it and takes a bunch of paper towels off the roll. Leaving the back door open, she goes back into the living room and puts the paper towels over the spot on the carpet where she vomited. Lingering shot of the paper towels on the carpet as the moisture begins to seep through. GILES: (OS) Buffy! Buffy turns. Giles stands in the front door, panting. GILES: What is it? Is it Glory? BUFFY: (stands) I'm waiting. The, the coroner's coming. GILES: What? (takes a few steps inside) BUFFY: (looks down, thinking) I have to tell Dawn. She's at school. (looks up) I'll go there. GILES: I'm not sure... Giles looks to his left and sees Joyce for the first time. GILES: Oh god. He rushes toward her, out of the frame. BUFFY: No. No. Don't. No, it's too late. The camera moves down the hallway (Buffy's POV) as she rushes after Giles. GILES: (OS) Joyce? BUFFY: They're, they're coming for her, no, no, we're- Buffy rounds the corner and finds Giles bending over Joyce, shaking her. GILES: Joyce! BUFFY: (desperate) We're not supposed to move the body! Giles turns to look at her. Buffy looks aghast, puts her hand to her mouth as she realizes what she said. Giles gets up quickly, goes over to Buffy and puts his arms around her. Buffy stares in shock past Giles's shoulder at Joyce. Shot of Joyce lying on the carpet. Her eyes are still open. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on overhead shot of Joyce being zipped into a body bag. We only see the hands of whoever's doing it. They pull the zipper up over her face. Cut to: Dawn leaning against a wall, crying. DAWN: Oh, god. I can't believe it. GIRL: (OS) It's not that bad. DAWN: (disbelieving) How can you say it's not that bad? GIRL (OS) I just don't think it's that big a deal. Sound of a toilet flushing. DAWN: Kevin Berman called me a freak in front of everybody. (shrugs) No, that's no big deal. A door behind her opens. We see that she's standing in a bathroom. The door that opened was a toilet stall door. Another girl (Lisa) comes out of the stall and walks forward. LISA: He didn't say you were a freak. We see that it's actually a mirror behind Dawn; Lisa is in front of her, reflected in the mirror. Lisa goes over to the sinks, which Dawn is standing next to, and begins washing her hands. DAWN: Forget it. LISA: He just said you were ... freaky. Which, you know, freaky can be ... sort of cool. DAWN: Oh yeah. Real cool. (teary) I'm a suicidal head-case. LISA: You know it was Kirsty. She was telling people how you were into cutting yourself, and how you- DAWN: That's such a lie! I got cut. By accident. One time. Dawn walks into the toilet stall and takes some toilet paper to wipe her face. Lisa takes some paper towels from a dispenser to dry her hands. DAWN: Now Kevin thinks I'm a- LISA: Well, that was when you were wigging out about your family, and of course Kirsty's gotta turn everything into a story. Dawn comes out of the stall wiping her eyes. We see her reflected in the mirror next to Lisa. LISA: She was telling people that you were adopted. DAWN: What a prima bee-yotch. I swear, if I could make her head explode using only the power of my mind? That's what I'd be doing right about now. Lisa nods. Dawn wipes her eyes more and sighs. DAWN: (teary) Great. Now I look like a wet rat. LISA: Yeah, you know you can't go out there looking all cry-faced. That'll just give Kirsty more ammo. A bell rings. DAWN: You know? My big sister could really beat the crap out of her. (Lisa nods) I mean, really really. (Blows her nose) Okay. What do you think? (Turns to face Lisa) Can I show my face? LISA: You're good to go. We're gonna be late anyway. They walk off. Cut to: the two girls coming out of the bathroom, backpacks on their shoulders. Shot of a typical school hallway full of kids. LISA: Kirsty alert. They pass a couple of blonde girls who smirk at them. KIRSTY: (sweetly) Hey Dawn. DAWN: Hey. KIRSTY: How you doing, you okay? DAWN: Good, thanks for asking. Dawn and Lisa continue walking, rolling their eyes. DAWN: (sotto voce) Bee-yotch. A bell rings again. Dawn and Lisa enter a classroom. The walls are glass from the ceiling to about three feet off the ground, so we can see into the room from the hallway. It's an art classroom with rows of easels set up. Dawn stares wide-eyed. Shot of a cute boy (Kevin) at the back of the classroom. TEACHER: Okay. Remember, we're not ... drawing the object. Dawn and Lisa go to the back and take easels on either side of Kevin. Dawn looks nervously at him. TEACHER: We're drawing ... the negative space ... around the object. We see the teacher standing beside the model, which is a 2- or 3-foot high statue of a naked woman. The students begin to draw as the teacher's voice continues. KEVIN: (not looking at Dawn) Hey. DAWN: (trying to be cool) Oh. Hey Kevin. TEACHER: ...and then give me a sense of the spaces around ... the space in-between. KEVIN: What's goin' on? DAWN: Um, negative space. (nervous smile) KEVIN: (smiles) Yeah, what's that all about? DAWN: (scoffs) Yeah. KEVIN: (looks at her paper) That's pretty good. DAWN: (smiles) Thanks. Behind Kevin, we see Lisa holding up her pad of paper, on which she has written "HE WANTS YOU!" Dawn gives her friend a scolding look, then turns back to her drawing. KEVIN: So I heard you, like, had a freak-out and cut yourself. DAWN: Uh, no, not even. It was a whole ... it was so not... KEVIN: I've felt like that before. (Dawn looks surprised) Things get so crazed, you know, you just feel like you wanna do something ... extreme. DAWN: Yeah. I just ... I had a lot of intense stuff going on. (Kevin smiles, returns to his drawing) A lot of people don't understand that. Pain. KEVIN: Yeah. DAWN: Then Kirsty's gotta blab it everywhere, 'cause she's- KEVIN: Kirsty, man. It's like she thinks, "I'm so hot, everybody should just bow down before me." And I'm like, whatever. Dawn smiles and laughs. Behind her we see Buffy in the hallway, looking at Dawn. DAWN: She's so superficial. Everything's always about clothes, or who likes who, and... (Buffy enters the classroom, goes over to the teacher) there's just way more important stuff going on. There's a lot of ... crucial ... you know ... stuff. KEVIN: Yeah. DAWN: Uh, this one time in history, uh, (Buffy begins walking down the aisle toward Dawn) she had this book called Annals of History, and she didn't know how to say the word "annals" (Kevin looks surprised) so she kept saying- BUFFY: Dawn. Dawn turns, still smiling. Buffy stares at her. Dawn stops smiling. BUFFY: I have to talk to you. Dawn looks apprehensive. Shot of a hand drawing a piece of charcoal across paper. Shot of the teacher watching. DAWN: Um... BUFFY: (OS) What? Shot of Lisa looking over. Shot of the statue. DAWN: Can it wait? I'm in the middle of a class. BUFFY: I know. Please come with me. Shot of Kevin and Lisa watching. Dawn puts down her charcoal and walks with Buffy toward the door. DAWN: I thought Mom was picking me up. Buffy closes the classroom door behind them as they exit into the hall. DAWN: What's going on? Something's going on. BUFFY: Let's go outside. DAWN: No. Tell me what's going on. Shot of Kirsty and her friends in the hallway, looking over. BUFFY: It's ... bad ... news. Dawn crosses her arms anxiously over her chest. DAWN: Well, what is it? What happened? Shot through the window of the classroom. Lisa and Kevin are watching. Lisa begins to walk forward. BUFFY: It's bad. Please, can we- DAWN: (loudly) Where's Mom? BUFFY: (teary) Mom ... had an accident. Or, um... Lisa walks toward the window, staring. BUFFY: (OS) ...something went ... wrong from the tumor. Closeup on Dawn's face. She has tears in her eyes. DAWN: Is she okay? Is she ... but she's okay? But ... it's, it's serious, but... BUFFY: Dawn... Shot from inside the classroom. We see the two of them in the hallway through the glass. Dawn slowly begins to cry as the news sinks in. She puts her hand over her mouth. We can hear her, but very faintly, as we hear it through the glass. DAWN: (faintly) No. She shakes her head and backs away from Buffy. DAWN: (faintly) No, it's not true. No, you're a liar, she's fine! Dawn crumples to the floor sobbing. Shot of Kevin watching, looking away. Shot of the teacher. The teacher and the other students move toward the glass and watch as Buffy kneels, trying to comfort Dawn. Pan across to Dawn's half-finished sketch of the statue. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Overhead shot of Joyce lying on a metal table. Hands wearing rubber gloves come into the picture and unbutton her blouse, then begin to cut away her camisole with a pair of scissors. Joyce's eyes are still open. Shot of Tara's face, a window behind her. Shot of Willow standing in her dorm room next to the closet. She wears an undershirt and is holding a blouse on a hanger, but she's staring at it without really seeing it. Willow doesn't move. In the foreground we see Tara's shoulder and the back of her head. Shot of Anya sitting in the passenger seat of a car, looking out the window as the car moves down city streets. Shot of Xander driving the car. Total silence through all of this. Overhead shot of the car pulling up beside some other cars that are parked by the sidewalk. Pan across the sidewalk and up. We see a grassy lawn with some people walking around. The camera pulls back and we see that it's shooting out through Willow's dorm room window. As we pull back, we find Tara standing by the window, looking out. She turns. TARA: I think they're here. Cut back to Willow still frozen holding the shirt. She reacts, returning from her thoughts, looks at the shirt, turns and tosses it onto the bed. We see a pile of clothing there already. Cut to Xander and Anya in the car. XANDER: Do you wanna come up? Anya looks around, looks at him. ANYA: (softly) You're double-parked. XANDER: (opens his door) Let 'em give me a ticket. They both get out. Cut back to the dorm room. Willow takes two more shirts out of the closet and turns to Tara. WILLOW: What do you think? The, the, the purple, right? 'Cause, 'cause it's somber? Shot of Tara standing by the window. WILLOW: No. No, it's too depressing, i-it's like, um, a ... funeral, god, I ... (holds up the other shirt, which is yellow) Well, this is, this is cheerier, maybe, I-I wanna be cheery, like, like everything is normal? Tara just watches. WILLOW: No, that's rude, that's, that's disrespectful. "La la la! I don't care!" She tosses both blouses on the bed with a sigh. WILLOW: If I had that blue one - (turns back to the closet, then back) Jo-Joyce really liked the blue one. She told me one time. You, you sure it's not in your room? TARA: (takes a few steps closer) I-I-I could look again. WILLOW: No, no, I-I, I should, I should wear the purple (picks up the purple blouse from the bed) The purple, I, I, I think the purple, it's just that it's so, I don't know, (looks at Tara) i-it doesn't mean something bad? TARA: I think it's, um ... royal. Purple means ... royalty. WILLOW: (tears running down her face) Well, I can't see Buffy at the morgue and be all royal! "Oh, I'm the king of everything, I'm better than you!" I have to be supportive, I, Buffy needs me to be supportive, I... She begins crying as Tara looks on with concern. Willow picks up another shirt. WILLOW: God, why do all my shirts have such stupid things on them? (tosses it back down) Why can't I just dress like a grownup? Can't I be a grownup? TARA: Shh. Tara comes over and puts her hands on Willow's shoulders, rubbing her shoulders and neck. TARA: Shh, darling. WILLOW: (crying) I can't do this. Tara kisses her on the forehead, then on the mouth. Willow returns the kiss. Then Tara leans her forehead against Willow's. TARA: We can do this. They both nod. Tara continues rubbing Willow's shoulders. WILLOW: Okay. We can be there for Buffy. And Dawn. (crying) Little Dawn. TARA: We can be strong. WILLOW: Strong like an Amazon? TARA: Strong like an Amazon, right. They both smile slightly. WILLOW: Okay. (nods, sniffles) I wish I had the blue. Cut to: Anya and Xander climbing the stairs inside the dorm. ANYA: So ... what do we do? XANDER: I'm not sure. We'll, uh, talk to Giles. Cut to: Anya and Xander coming out of the stairwell, walking down the dorm hallway. Various students are roaming around or standing in the halls talking. ANYA: Xander, what will *we* do? What will *we* be expected to do? Xander looks at her but doesn't answer. He walks up to the door of room 213. The door is slightly ajar. Xander knocks, pushes it open and enters. We see Tara against the far wall. Willow appears from around the corner. She wears a greenish shirt with a red cardigan over it. XANDER: Hey. Xander and Willow hug while Tara and Anya stand there looking uncomfortable. They pull apart. XANDER: How you doing? Willow shrugs, shakes her head and rolls her eyes, hugging herself. XANDER: I know the feeling. WILLOW: I'm afraid I'm gonna start to cry again. ANYA: (softly) Xander cried at the apartment. It was weird. WILLOW: I-i-it's a, it's a thing we do. Overhead shot of the four of them standing there. Each is in some way holding onto him- or herself (arms folded, etc.). ANYA: What's going to happen? WILLOW: Well, I ... I guess we're gonna ... meet them at the morgue, (whispers) That's where they were ... taking ... her. TARA: Um, Giles said that he, he was gonna go with Joyce, and Buffy was gonna go to ... the school to ... tell Dawn. Xander looks upset, closes his eyes. XANDER: God. TARA: Do you know how to, how to get- XANDER: Yeah. It's at the hospital, it's a wing. We do morgue time in the Scooby gang. Willow looks anxiously at Tara. WILLOW: I have to change. She removes her cardigan, tosses it aside, goes off to get another shirt. XANDER: What else did Giles say? TARA: (shrugs, shakes her head) Not a lot. XANDER: Are they sure this was ... natural? I mean, Glory. TARA: Uh, Giles was pretty sure that it wasn't, wasn't her. XANDER: But, I mean, she said she was gonna come after Buffy's family. TARA: I don't- XANDER: I mean, we should be going after her. I mean, she coulda done it, and, and, covered her tracks. Anya looks confused. Willow reappears, now wearing a pink turtleneck. WILLOW: Why would she? She'd want us to know. Xander looks upset. XANDER: I'll tell you what it is. It's the frickin' doctors. I mean, they just let her out, you know? Clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull. Here's a band-aid. Next! Closeup of Tara looking concerned and upset. WILLOW: (OS) Xander... XANDER: They should have checked her over, they should have had her in. Well, don't we have enough monsters in this town, the doctors gotta help 'em out? WILLOW: Xander, I-I don't think it was ... any ... it just happened. XANDER: (looks around at the three of them) Things don't happen! (frowns) I mean ... they don't *just* happen. (Shot of Tara looking concerned) Somebody... (shot of Willow) I mean, somebody's got... WILLOW: Okay. (puts up her fists) Let's go. Come on, you and me. Come on. Xander stares at her, then sighs. He walks over to her, kisses her on the forehead. Tara watches sadly. XANDER: You know I can't take you. WILLOW: Damn straight. Xander moves back a little. ANYA: Are we gonna see the body? WILLOW: (shocked) What? Xander looks annoyed, turns away. ANYA: Are we gonna be in the room ... with the dead body? WILLOW: (hugs herself, uncomfortably) I don't know. No. TARA: But I guess we should take over patrolling and all that. XANDER: Yeah. WILLOW: Oh, yeah. TARA: For however long. XANDER: You know it. Willow looks at herself unhappily, then at Tara. WILLOW: I can't wear this. She turns to change again, turns back. WILLOW: I, I really should have the other. Joyce liked it so. TARA: Do you think you coulda left it in the laundry room? WILLOW: (frowns, nods hopefully) Maybe. TARA: I'll go check. I'll, I'll just be one minute. XANDER: We're cool. Tara walks out of the room. Anya walks around the room a bit, aimlessly, then turns back. ANYA: Are they gonna cut the body open? WILLOW: (horrified) Oh my god! Would you just ... stop talking? Just ... shut your mouth. Please. ANYA: What am I doing? WILLOW: How can you act like that? ANYA: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? (looks from Willow to Xander) Is that the helpful thing to do? XANDER: Guys... WILLOW: The way you behave- ANYA: Nobody will tell me. WILLOW: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things! ANYA: (desperate) But I don't understand! Willow and Xander look at her in surprise. ANYA: (crying) I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, (sniffling) there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. (still teary) And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why. She stops and puts her hand over her face, crying. Willow has tears in her eyes too. Xander goes over to Anya but she pushes him away, goes and sits down in a papasan chair by the window. Xander goes back to the doorway. WILLOW: (to Anya) We don't know ... how it works... (Anya wiping her face with her hands) or why. Willow goes and sits on the bed. Xander paces back and forth in front of the open door. In the hallway behind him we see various students passing by. There's total silence. Shot of Willow sitting on the bed. Shot of Anya sitting in the chair. There are a bunch of pillows on the chair and one is poking her in the back. She turns around and pulls it out. It's a stuffed animal with a blue sweater wrapped around it. Right beside the chair is a clothes bureau with the drawers slightly open. Anya tucks the blue sweater into one of the drawers and sits back holding the stuffed animal. Shot of Willow staring at the floor. Suddenly there's a loud banging noise. Willow and Anya jump, look up. Shot of Xander in the doorway with his left hand stretched out, obscured by the wall. XANDER: Sorry, sorry, some ... pent-up... WILLOW: (getting up) Xander... Willow walks around the corner and discovers Xander's hand is buried in a hole in the wall. WILLOW: Where did your hand go? XANDER: As I was saying, some frustration, and now, uh ... I appear to be stuck. ANYA: My god. (ducks under his arm to get to the other side) Is your hand okay? XANDER: Pretty much. I, I'm really sorry. Willow examines the hole where Xander's fist has broken through the wall. ANYA: (angry) You could have hit an electrical... (gestures vaguely) thing! XANDER: And once again with the sorry. Anya crouches down to look at the hole from underneath. WILLOW: Did it make you feel better? (Anya looks up at Xander) XANDER: For a second there. WILLOW: A whole second? XANDER: In my defense, some crappy wallmanship. WILLOW: Yeah, you can hear everything next door. Willow and Anya pull at Xander's arm trying to free it. XANDER: Who did the drywall in this place? WILLOW: I always forget to ask. Tara appears in the doorway. TARA: Did I miss something? ANYA: Xander decided that he blames the wall. WILLOW: Can you ... turn your wrist? XANDER: Hold on. He twists his arm and pulls it out of the wall. His knuckles are covered in blood. All the girls go "ooh" in concern. XANDER: It's okay. (flexing his hand) Anya looks pensively at Xander's hand. Shot of the bloody hand as Xander flexes his fingers. Pan up to Tara's face. TARA: It hurts. Xander looks at her. She gives a small sympathetic smile. WILLOW: Here, wash it off. Anya leads Xander over to the sink. ANYA: (to Willow) Band-aids? WILLOW: Underneath. Anya looks under the sink for band-aids as Xander washes his hand. In the foreground, Tara turns to Willow. TARA: I couldn't find it. WILLOW: (shrugs) It doesn't matter. We should get there. TARA: Yes. WILLOW: I, I wanna be there for Buffy. XANDER: (OS) You're right. Shot of Tara and Willow facing each other in the foreground. In the background, Xander with his back to the camera, as Anya tends to his hand. XANDER: The avengers gotta get to the assembly. (turns to face the camera, with a towel wrapped around his hand) We'll go. We'll deal. We'll help. That's what we do. We help Buffy. He puts the towel down and goes out. Willow and Tara follow. Anya follows behind. ANYA: How are we going to help? They all go out. Anya closes the door behind her. The camera stays on the closed door. After a moment the door opens again and Willow rushes in. Shot of Willow's red cardigan on the table by the window where she tossed it earlier. She grabs it and leaves again. We hear the sound of the door closing again as the camera pans across the table to the window. Outside, on the street below, a police officer is putting a ticket on Xander's car. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on an overhead shot of Joyce lying on the table. She is (presumably) naked with a sheet covering her up to the shoulders. She is pale and her eyes are still open. A pair of hands, wearing bloody rubber gloves, is attaching a small bandage to the side of Joyce's forehead. Then the hands remove the gloves. Pull out to find Dr. Kriegel (same doctor from "Listening to Fear" and "Into the Woods") pulling the sheet up to cover Joyce's face. He turns off a lamp that's hanging over her, turns away. We see that he's wearing a rubber smock over his blue hospital scrubs. He removes the smock and puts it in a hazardous-waste can as he moves out of the morgue, picking up a clipboard. He moves into an office area, puts the clipboard on a desk, picks up a white coat and puts it on as he exits the morgue, closing a door behind him. He walks down a dark hallway, passes an orderly pushing a cart. The hallway is full of folded-up gurneys, boxes, cartons, etc. Dr. Kriegel emerges into the hospital proper. He comes around a corner and sees a waiting room where Giles, Dawn, Buffy, and the Scoobies are gathered. Tara hugs Dawn as Xander hugs Buffy. XANDER: If there's anything we can do. DAWN: Glad you're here. Xander hugs Giles as Willow hugs Buffy. Willow pulls back to look Buffy in the face. WILLOW: Love you so much. BUFFY: I know. DAWN: (to Tara) They're not telling us anything. Giles is looking around when suddenly Anya hugs him. He looks surprised, then hugs her back. Over her head he notices the doctor. GILES: Doctor? Everyone looks over at the doctor. He walks forward. Buffy, Giles, and Dawn come forward to meet him. The others stay behind in a little group. DR. KRIEGEL: Okay, I've examined your mother's body. DAWN: Can we see her? BUFFY: Dawn, not now. DR. KRIEGEL: The on-site report seems more or less accurate. Your mother did have what looks like an aneurysm. A sudden hemorrhaging from a ruptured arterial vessel near the, uh ... where the tumor was removed. BUFFY: Shouldn't we have known about that, that ... was a danger? DR. KRIEGEL: Sometimes these things are detectable, and sometimes they're not. Close shot of Buffy's face. DR. KRIEGEL: (OS) Joyce was aware of the possibility of a rupture, and the effects. She didn't even get on the phone, so clearly this was very sudden. Shot of Dawn staring at the floor. DR. KRIEGEL: (OS) She, uh, may have felt a little nausea, and probably passed out as it happened. Close shot of Buffy's face. DR. KRIEGEL: (OS) I doubt there was much pain, and ... even if someone had been by her side... Flash: Joyce in the living room, Buffy by her side. Buffy takes Joyce's hand in concern as Joyce sits on the sofa. JOYCE: My head... BUFFY: Mom? Flash: Buffy, Joyce, and Paramedic 1 in the ambulance. Flash: Dawn, Joyce, Buffy, and the doctor in the hospital. (the above two flashes are the same as from earlier in the episode) DR. KRIEGEL: (OS) ...it's doubtful that this could have been dealt with in time. Cut back to closeup of Buffy's face. Shot of the doctor looking sympathetic, looking over at Giles. GILES: (nods) Uh, thank you, Doctor. BUFFY: (OS) Are you sure... Closeup of Buffy's face. BUFFY: ...that there wasn't a lot of pain? DR. KRIEGEL: (nods) Absolutely. The doctor's mouth continues to move, but what we hear is what Buffy is thinking, not what he's actually saying. DR. KRIEGEL: (in Buffy's thoughts) I have to lie to make you feel better. Closeup of Buffy staring at the doctor. GILES: What, uh, (clears throat) what, uh, needs to be done now? DR. KRIEGEL: Well, there, uh, there'll be some forms, and some decisions you'll need to make. GILES: Uh, Buffy, why don't you let me handle those as much as I can. BUFFY: Please. DR. KRIEGEL: (to Buffy) We will need you to ... sign a couple of release forms. GILES: Yes, thank you, Doctor. The doctor nods, starts to move away. GILES: (to Buffy) I'll, uh, figure out which ones you need to see. BUFFY: We'll be here. Giles goes off with the doctor as the others approach. XANDER: What'd the doctor say? BUFFY: Nothing. Uh, it's, you know, it's what we thought, the tumor. WILLOW: Why don't we sit down? Willow takes both Buffy and Dawn by the hands and leads them to a sofa. She and Buffy sit. Tara sits on Buffy's other side. Anya, Xander, and Dawn remain standing. BUFFY: Giles says he's gonna go over the paperwork. XANDER: Man, if there's one day they should *not* give you homework. WILLOW: Dawnie, do you wanna sit? Dawn shakes her head. BUFFY: (to Dawn) I don't think we're gonna have to be here very long. DAWN: What about... (stops) BUFFY: What about what? DAWN: Nothing. I have to pee. BUFFY: Do you want someone to go with you? DAWN: (sullen) No. I still remember how to pee. (turns away) BUFFY: Do you know where it is? DAWN: Yeah. She walks off. BUFFY: I think maybe she's ... mad at me or something. WILLOW: 'Cause you were the one that told her? XANDER: How'd she take it? BUFFY: Meltdown. She just wouldn't believe me. I still don't think she does. ANYA: (a little too loudly) I wish that Joyce didn't die... Everyone looks at her. ANYA: (more quietly) ...because she was nice. And now we all hurt. XANDER: (embarrassed) Anya, ever the wordsmith. Anya looks hopefully at Buffy. BUFFY: (to Anya) Thank you. Xander looks a little surprised. WILLOW: (to Buffy) Do you want anything? Something to eat, or ... soda? BUFFY: Honestly, I ... couldn't tell. WILLOW: Well, I-I think you should try to eat something. BUFFY: Yeah, maybe Dawn could use a snack. WILLOW: I'll, I'll find something. (gets up) Xander, do you have any money? XANDER: We'll come with. WILLOW: (to Buffy) We'll be right quick. Willow, Xander, and Anya go off. Shot of Buffy and Tara sitting on the sofa next to each other. They look at each other, then away. BUFFY: (softly, speaking to the floor) I'm sorry ... you have to go through all of this. TARA: You don't have to worry about me. BUFFY: Everybody wants to help. (Tara looks at her) I don't even know if I'm ... here. (Tara looks away) I don't know what's going on. Never done this. (pauses) That's just an amazingly dumb thing to say. Obviously ... I've never done this before. Beat. TARA: (softly) I have. Buffy looks over at her. TARA: My mother died when I was seventeen. BUFFY: I didn't know. I'm sorry. TARA: No, no, I didn't mean to ... (sighs) I'm only telling you this because ... I know it's not m-my place, but ... (pauses) There's things ... thoughts and reactions I had that ... I couldn't ... understand ... or even try to explain to anyone else. (Buffy looks down, pensive) Thoughts that ... made me feel like I was losing it ... or, like I was some kind of ho-horrible person. I know it's different for you ... because it's always different, but ... if you ever need... She trails off. They sit there looking at each other. Then they both look down at the floor. Buffy looks back up at Tara. BUFFY: Was it sudden? TARA: What? BUFFY: Your mother. TARA: No. (thinks) Yes. (pauses) It's always sudden. Cut to: Dawn coming out of the bathroom. She looks around the corner into the waiting room, sees Buffy and Tara talking. Pan over to the door that leads to the morgue. A red sign on the door reads "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY." Dawn goes over to that door. Cut to inside the hallway. Dawn opens the door and enters. It's fairly dark. She looks behind her, begins to walk slowly down the hallway. Utter silence. Overhead shot of Dawn walking down the hall. Pan down the hall from Dawn's point of view. She can see through the second door to where the doctor's desk is. Cut to inside the morgue, camera showing Dawn's face through the window in the second door. Cut to Dawn's POV, shot of the interior of the morgue with several sheet-covered bodies lying on metal tables. Dawn opens the door, goes inside, turns and bolts the door shut. She turns back and walks slowly past the row of bodies covered by sheets, toward the one at the end. Complete silence. Dawn walks up to the last table, farthest from the door. She stares at the shape on the table, closes her eyes, opens them. She reaches out a hand. Closeup on Dawn's apprehensive face. Closeup on the sheet-covered head. Dawn pulls her hand back without removing the sheet, takes a step back, swallows with difficulty. Behind her, on the farthest table (closest to the door), a body suddenly sits up and removes the sheet covering it. Dawn doesn't notice this. Still complete silence. Closer shot of the person on the table sitting up. It's a male vampire. He looks around, sees Dawn, smiles slightly and puts the sheet aside, swinging his legs over the side of the table. Long shot of Dawn's back. The camera is at floor-level and in the foreground we see the vampire's bare leg. Dawn is in the background of the shot, still staring at the sheet-covered body. The vampire's other leg comes into view as he walks unsteadily toward Dawn. Closeup of Dawn turning, seeing him, beginning to draw breath for a scream. Cut to Buffy and Tara sitting on the sofa. Pan over to Xander, Willow, and Anya returning with their arms full of soda cans, junk food, and coffee cups. WILLOW: We panicked. BUFFY: (looking nervously at all the stuff) Uh-huh. WILLOW: Have anything you want. ANYA: The sandwiches are meat. BUFFY: I'm just not hungry. WILLOW: What about Dawnie? (comes to sit beside Buffy) XANDER: (looking around) Is she still in the bathroom? BUFFY: (frowning) I guess. (gets up) You guys wait here. Buffy walks over to the hallway, looks at the door marked "Women," then looks across to the door marked "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY." She goes to the second door, opens it. Buffy walks down the dark hallway, first slowly, then faster. Distant sound of a scream. Buffy comes to the second door, looks through the window and sees Dawn struggling as the vampire is behind her and has her by the arms. Dawn shrieks and struggles. Buffy shoves the door but it is still locked. Buffy throws herself against it and it bursts open. The vampire pulls Dawn up against him and bends his head to bite. Buffy runs up behind him and grabs him around the neck, grunting. Dawn yelps and continues struggling. Buffy pulls the vampire back and he loses his grip on Dawn, who goes flying forward, crashing into the gurney. As she falls to the floor, she accidentally pulls the sheet so it falls down a bit, exposing Joyce's head. Buffy struggles with the vampire, he hits her in the stomach and she loses her grip, stumbling backward. He grabs her by the neck, growling. They struggle. Buffy tries to reach his face but can't, so she knees him in the groin. He spins her around and slams her into a table covered with medical instruments, which crash to the floor. Buffy and the vampire also fall to the floor. Fight noises continue as the camera moves to Dawn recovering, lying on the floor. She looks up at the gurney. Shot of the corner of the gurney from Dawn's POV; only the top of Joyce's head is visible. Buffy is on the floor with the vampire on top of her. She punches him in the face and they roll over so she's on top. As they struggle, she reaches out and grabs a medical instrument that looks like a short saw. She puts it against the vampire's throat as he grabs her face. His hand falls aside and Buffy shoves the saw through his neck, cutting off his head. He explodes into dust and Buffy falls aside, lying on her back, the saw clattering away. Buffy lies there for a moment, staring at the ceiling with a small frown. Then she rolls over. BUFFY: Dawn? Buffy sits up halfway, stops when she sees Dawn. The camera pulls back to find Dawn still crouching, staring up at the gurney. Slowly, Dawn pulls herself up to a kneeling position so she can see Joyce's face. Joyce's eyes are still open. We stay on this shot with Joyce in the foreground, Dawn immediately behind her, and Buffy in the background still sitting on the floor. DAWN: (not taking her eyes off Joyce) Is she cold? BUFFY: (whispering) It's not her ... it's not her ... she's gone. DAWN: (frowns slightly) Where'd she go? Dawn lifts her hand and reaches out, very slowly. Close shot of Joyce's head with Dawn's hand moving slowly toward her cheek. The picture goes to black just before Dawn's fingers touch the body. Blackout. Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.

Buffy and the gang are crushed by the death of Joyce. Dawn goes to the morgue to see the body and is attacked by a vampire. Buffy saves her and watches as Dawn reaches to touch Joyce.

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Scene: On the deck of a ship on the North Sea, in the middle of a storm. Leonard is on a sat-phone. Leonard: Sheldon, it's not a great time, what do you want? Sheldon (in the apartment): Hello to you, too. I'm sorry, but this is important. Leonard: What is it? Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case. Leonard: So? Sheldon: So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder? Leonard: Sheldon, I got to go inside. It's getting rough out here. Sheldon: You're dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that? Leonard: What was what? Sheldon: This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken. Leonard: Okay, I'm hanging up now. You know there's no such thing as a k... (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.) Sheldon: No! Scene: Penny's apartment door. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny: What's the matter? Sheldon: Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you'd get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed. Penny: Sweetie, did you have a bad dream? Sheldon: To be honest, I did. Penny: Aw. Sheldon: Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it. Penny: Good night. Sheldon: No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don't miss Leonard as much, uh, 'cause you're being kind of a baby about it. Penny: You know what? That would make me feel better. Thank you. Sheldon: You're welcome. Good night. Credits sequence. Scene: The cafeteria. Raj: I think you'd be pleased to hear that this morning in the parking garage I saw this oil stain on the ground that was shaped just like my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, and I didn't get upset at all. Howard: I'm proud of you. Raj: Well, you should be, 'cause she was looking good. Sheldon: Dear Lord, you're an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way. Raj: Is that true? Sheldon: Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace. Howard: Come on, you can talk to girls now. It shouldn't be hard for you to meet someone new. Raj: How can I meet someone new when everywhere I look, I see Lucy's face? Tell me you don't see her smile in the crust of this chicken pot pie. Howard: Oh, will you stop it. Now, listen to me, there's a welcome party for incoming post-docs tonight. Go to it and meet someone who isn't made of grease or pie. Raj: You think you're so cool because your wife is a person? Howard: Look, Bernie's at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I'll go with you. Raj: You would do that for me? Howard: Of course. You're my friend. I want you to be happy. Raj: Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy's out of town, would you like to join us? Sheldon: I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it. Scene: A hotel room. Bernadette (on phone): Howie, stop. I can't talk like that. Amy's right here. Amy (on phone): Sheldon, stop. For the last time, I will not bring home bed bugs. Bernadette: The hotel's nice. There's a pool, a gym, the bar looks like fun. Amy: Because I looked in the bed, and there are no bugs. Bernadette: Aw, I love you, too. If I don't talk to you before you go to sleep, I'll meet you in dreamland. Amy: Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Penny, did you ever wonder how Starfleet captains... Penny: No. Sheldon: Well, now that I've piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess. Penny: Why don't you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him? Sheldon: You overestimate his significance in my life. Penny: Mmm. Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table) Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot. Sheldon: Well, I try. Penny: All right, let's just get this stupid game over with. Sheldon: Great. I'll go first. Penny: Okay. Sheldon: By the way, how are you with zippers? Penny: Why? Sheldon: Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one's gone all cattywampus. Scene: The mixer party. Raj: Wow, your work on jellyfish neural nets sounds so interesting. Girl: It is. You can download my paper off the university server. Raj: I will. You can download my paper on the Van Allen Belts from the university server as well. Girl: I will. Raj: All right. Howard: How'd it go? Raj: Well, if you like dry, factual statements interspersed with painful moments of silence, it was bananas. Howard: Check it out. Mrs. Davis from Human Resources is here. She's probably on the lookout for sexual harassment. Raj: Oh, great. There go my chances of being sexually harassed. Howard: I heard her husband left her for a hot, young undergrad. Raj: That's so much better than the old, ugly ones. Mrs Davis: Mr. Wolowitz, Dr. Koothrappali. Howard: Mrs. Davis, nice to see you. Raj: You know, I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins. Mrs Davis: Okay. Raj: So if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember, penguins get cheated on, and they're adorable. Howard: It was better when you couldn't talk to women. Scene: The hotel bar. Bernadette: I was thinking of going to the lecture on posterior cingulate cortex lesions in the formation of autobiographical memory. Amy: Oh, brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they're yours, then they're a drag. Bernadette: To the advancement of science. Amy: And to the sick and dying who make it possible. Bernadette: This is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys. Amy: Which is fine, but it's nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation. Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar. Amy: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Bernadette: Be cool. Amy: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny. Bernadette: You're right. Thank you. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Ooh. Bad move. Penny: Really? Why? Sheldon: My queen can now take your rook from below. Penny: So that means I lose, right? It's over? Sheldon: If I make this move, but I won't because we're having too much fun. Penny: Okay, let's take a break. Sheldon: We're all out of alcohol. Penny: I wasn't going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard's doing right now. I miss him so much. Sheldon: Well, if you'd like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I've explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island. Penny: I'm calling him. Sheldon: Oh, goodie, put him on speaker phone. Leonard (on board boat, at a party, dancing): Excuse me, ladies, my pants are buzzing. North Sea, how can I kelp you? Penny: Leonard? Leonard: Penny? Hey, it's Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny. Everybody: Hi, Penny! Penny: Wow, it sounds like you're having a good time. Leonard: Best time of my life. Sheldon: Isn't it five thirty in the morning there? Leonard: Is it? Hey, everybody, it's five thirty in the morning! Penny: Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you. Random voice: Iceberg! Leonard: Uh-oh, hang on. Sheldon: Are you in danger? Leonard: No, it's a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot! Everybody: Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Penny: Leonard, Leonard? I cannot believe we were missing that jerk. Sheldon: You were. Scene: The hotel bar. Amy: So what happened? How'd it go? Bernadette: It's fine. I thanked them again and let them know we're not available. Amy: So I can drink this without having to give up the goodies? Bernadette: Yes, it's all cool. Although, if you wanted to talk to one of them, no one would blame you. Amy: And why would no one blame me? Bernadette: I don't know what I'm saying. Amy: Well, it sounds like you're saying that I could do better than Sheldon. Bernadette: Boy, these drinks are strong. Hoo, mama, I'm gonna be huggin' the toilet tonight. Amy: No, tell me, I want to know what you meant by that. Bernadette: I just meant that you're not married and your boyfriend's kind of, Sheldon. Amy: And your husband is extremely Howard. What's your point? Bernadette: Sorry. I have no point. That was a stupid thing to say. Can we please just go back to having a nice time? Amy: We could, but unfortunately my brain is lesion-free and I remember that rotten thing you just said about my sweet baboo. Bernadette: Come on. I apologize. Can we please just let it go? Amy: Sure. Bernadette: Thanks. Amy: Your husband's weird and his clothes are ridiculous. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Penny: I can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is? Sheldon: That you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka? Penny: No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all. Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you've got your health. Penny: Really? That, that's it? That's comforting? Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you'll both be dead and it won't matter? Penny: No. Come on, you're supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he's partying is to cover up his pain. Sheldon: Oh, no, I don't think that's true at all. Penny: This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he's off having a good time? Sheldon: Well, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right? Penny: Okay, that, that's great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now. Sheldon: Actually, I can't. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I'd take care of you. Penny: He did? Sheldon: Yes. Penny: Oh, that's really sweet. Sheldon: Plus, if I do a good job, he said he'd bring me back a sailor's cap. Penny: Well, now I miss him even more. Sheldon: Well, if it's any consolation, I'm sure Leonard's tormented every moment he's away from your warm embrace and cherry lips. Penny: Thanks. Sheldon: Oh, seriously? Scene: The mixer. Raj: Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Davis? Mrs Davis: What? Raj: I'd like to apologize for being insensitive. And for possibly making penguins seem like jerks, because 99% of them are stand-up guys. Mrs Davis: Forget about it. Raj: You know, you, you and I, you and I have a lot in common. Mrs Davis: Is that right? Raj: Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I'll tell you about it. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It's in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will. Penny: Come on. It's still early. Let's do something. Sheldon: Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess. Penny: How about we just talk? Sheldon: All right. In 4D chess... Penny: No. Come on, let's talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don't know. Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants. Penny: Okay, that, that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal. Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants. Penny: How about I go first? Sheldon: But I don't want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I'd say it's a thousand. Penny: Okay, look, here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out. Sheldon: I've seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you. Penny: Oh, God. Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you're going for. Okay, here's one I thought I'd take to the grave. Penny: Okay. Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not. Penny: That's your big revelation? Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter. Penny: Okay, you know what? I give up. I'm going to bed. Sheldon: Here's something else you don't know about me. You just hurt my feelings. Penny: What did I do? Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing. Penny: I, I didn't think it was a big deal. Sheldon: It is to me; that's the point. Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I'm really sorry. I should've known better. Sheldon: Your apology is accepted. Penny: Thank you. How about a hug? Sheldon: How about a hearty handshake? Penny: Come on. Sheldon: Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla. Scene: The hotel room. Bernadette: Good night. Amy: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks. Bernadette: Yeah, that felt nice. Amy: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes. Bernadette: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked? Amy: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut. Bernadette: Oh, good, 'cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I'd have to teach him a thing or two. Amy: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It'd be nice to be with a man who wants to know what's underneath my cardigan. FYI, it's another cardigan. Bernadette: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard. Amy: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon. Both: Good night. Scene: The mixer. Mrs Davis: All right, Dr. Koothrappali, it's been nice talking to you, but I need to go home and relieve my babysitter. Raj: Yeah, I can relate to being a single parent. I have a dog. Mrs Davis: Yeah, it's exactly the same thing. Good night. Raj: Mrs. Davis, I, uh, I must confess, I came here tonight in a futile attempt to pick up some lonely postdoc, but instead I got to connect with you at a human level. That's a much better evening. You're a lovely person. Mrs Davis: Are you hitting on me? Raj: No, no, no, that would be crazy. I mean, if I were hitting on you, you'd know it 'cause you'd feel uncomfortable and a little sad for me. Mrs Davis: You're sweet. Good night, Dr. Koothrappali. Raj: Good night. Howard: Looks like she accepted your apology. Raj: And then some. I think we had a moment. Howard: Oh, please, you did not have a moment. Raj: Who died and made you king of moments? Howard: Okay, fine. Let's say there was a moment. Raj: There was. Howard: There wasn't. But, but even if there was, what are you gonna do about it? Raj: I will slowly seduce her until she falls helpless into my bed, hungry for the pleasure only I can give her. Howard: So nothing. Raj: No, not a thing. Scene: A bathroom shower. Penny (acting): Ah, I'm so glad the police finally caught that psychotic genetically engineered ape. Leonard (on ship): That is my girlfriend. I swear to God. Everyone (on ship): Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! Penny: Aaaaaaah!

During the summer Penny and Sheldon bond over missing Leonard. Penny calls Leonard, who is partying on the ship, clearly not missing her. Penny suggests exchanging secrets with Sheldon, saying she was topless in an unreleased horror movie - not new to Sheldon, as Howard found the clip when they first met. Sheldon's "secret" is disliking YouTube's new rating system - trivial to Penny, who almost leaves in annoyance, but stays and apologizes on realizing she hurt Sheldon's feelings. Leonard shows his shipmates Penny's movie. Meanwhile, Raj talks to the recently divorced Mrs. Davis at a university function, apologizing to her after initially insulting her with inappropriate statements about her marital problems. He insists he is not hitting on her, but later tells Howard they "had a moment". At a biology convention, Amy and Bernadette are surprised when two men buy them drinks. Bernadette implies Amy's enthusiasm stems from her hunger for romantic affection from Sheldon, but they make up until Bernadette reveals she was attracted to the man resembling Sheldon, Amy preferring the one resembling Howard.

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The Ribos Operation First broadcast 23rd September, 1978 6:20pm - 6:45pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CATACOMBS SHOLAKH: They've gone deeper than this. (The Doctor turns to look at them - and accidentally knocks a skull out onto the ground. It hits with a clatter.) GRAFF: NOW WE HAVE HIM!!! (Having to act fast, the Doctor pulls out his dog whistle and blows sharply...and farther down the passage, a Shrivenzale awakes.) GRAFF: He cannot escape - and no one will ever know how he tried to trick the Graff Vynda-K! (Nobody told the Shrivenzale crawling towards them that, though.) GRAFF: It's a beast!! Take cover!!! (The heroes have already done that, and dig themselves even farther in the tomb holes. The Shrivenzale crawls along the passage, snorting. A moment, and then the Graff's group emerges from hiding in a side passage.) SHOLAKH: Guards - reform!! (The bodyguards gather again.) SHOLAKH: These caves remind me of that labyrinth we had to fight through on Phraetiss. We moved in darkness. Every forward step, things were squirming and crunching under our feet...remember, Highness? GRAFF: Almost a year without sight of sky. But these are not caves like those, Sholakh. SHOLAKH: The air's the same - heavy and damp with the stench of death. No wonder the natives wouldn't come here. GRAFF: Why think you now of the Phraetiss labyrinth? What troubles you? SHOLAKH: Our problem's the same, Graff. I mean, there we had two legions searching for the enemy - here, we have a few men searching for one. It'll take as long. (The Graff grabs Sholakh's arms.) GRAFF: Still a pessimist?? Even if it takes TWICE as long, (makes a fist) I shall not leave this planet until I have that jethrik!! SHOLAKH: Then perhaps, Highness, we should have brought that old boneshaker with us. GRAFF: The seeker? SHOLAKH: If she truly has the gift of sniffing out fugitives. GRAFF: You're right, Sholakh. YES, by heaven!! We'll force that old witch to lead us, even if we have to carry her!! COME!!! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. CAVES (The passages have given way to dark caverns. Unstoffe and Binro continue their long trek nevertheless. But old Binro is finding his way harder and harder, and he almost can't walk now.) UNSTOFFE: Do you need a rest, Binro? BINRO: Eh? No, no, I can go on. UNSTOFFE: No, no, come on. I'm thinking of myself as well. (He helps Binro over to a large boulder to rest.) BINRO: Well, in that case... UNSTOFFE: Well, sit down. (Binro and Unstoffe rest on the boulder.) UNSTOFFE: Space travel rots the muscles, Binro. BINRO: Space travel - how is it done, my friend? How do you fly between the stars, hmm? UNSTOFFE: If we were to stay here the rest of our lives, Binro, I couldn't begin to explain that one. BINRO: I understand. There's so much still to learn. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. CATACOMBS (The Doctor sneaks back into Romana's and Garron's hiding spot after looking around.) ROMANA: Have they gone? DOCTOR: No. ROMANA: You nearly got us killed. DOCTOR: If you call that being nearly killed, you haven't lived yet. Just stay with me, and you'll get a lot nearer. (A loud growl nearby.) DOCTOR: In fact, you're a lot nearer right now. ROMANA: You've got an unconscious death wish. GARRON: Don't speak up!! DOCTOR: No - no bickering. ROMANA: Never bicker. GARRON: Now, we should be looking for my invaluable young friend Unstoffe... DOCTOR: ...who's carrying a valuable piece of jethrik. GARRON: (clapping his shoulder) What is property at such a time? DOCTOR: Quite right. ROMANA: What do we do now? (The Doctor thinks about it.) DOCTOR: You go that way, I'll go this way. GARRON: Which way? DOCTOR: That way. GARRON: Oh, that way. ROMANA: Back to the city? DOCTOR: Well, someone's got to keep an eye on Vynda-K! (pause) Well, don't just lie there, do something! ROMANA: What?? DOCTOR: Move. GARRON: What, now? DOCTOR: NOW!! (The group jumps out of the tomb - and jumps right back in again as another growl is heard.) ROMANA: Now? (The Doctor holds up a finger - wait for it...) DOCTOR: NOW!! (Romana and Garron jump out of the tomb and race up the passage. The Doctor pauses and waits for K-9 to move out of his hiding spot.) K-9: Need help, Master? DOCTOR: No, don't explain, don't explain...look after those two. (K-9 follows in Romana and Garron's direction. The Doctor heads off the other way.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. CAVERNS (Binro is now holding the huge chunk of jethrik.) UNSTOFFE: If you had the knowledge of how to use it, Binro, there's enough energy in there to move you and me across the universe. (Binro gasps.) BINRO: Really? Hoo...no wonder men fight for it. But you didn't steal this from the relic room? Where did you get it? (Unstoffe takes the rock back.) UNSTOFFE: It belonged to a friend of mine. BINRO: Th-the one who sent his voice through the air into your hand? UNSTOFFE: Garron, yes. I was supposed to meet Garron in the concourse. It was to be our contingency rendezvous. BINRO: Yes...what? UNSTOFFE: We were supposed to meet there if anything went wrong. He didn't turn up, so...I suppose he must be in trouble himself. BINRO: You're worried about him, aren't you, my friend? UNSTOFFE: Yes. You see, we've worked together for a long time. This was to be our last job. He often talks of going back to Hackneywick. BINRO: What's that? UNSTOFFE: Well, for all I can make out, it's j-just a mud patch in the middle of nowhere. But I suppose it's home to him. BINRO: I don't understand. UNSTOFFE: Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking aloud. Well, you see, I've a feeling this was our last job after all, o-only it hasn't turned out quite the way we expected. BINRO: P-perhaps I should go back and look for him. UNSTOFFE: Do you think you could find your way from here? BINRO: From here, yes. If we go any farther into these caves, it'll not be possible. UNSTOFFE: And the deeper we go, the more chance there is of our being eaten, right? BINRO: Yes...or of the roof falling in. You see, these caves a-a-are very old and dangerous. But on the other hand, there may be another way from here up to the surface. I...I...I'll do whatever you think is best, my friend. UNSTOFFE: But there could be danger waiting for you up in the city. BINRO: Who knows I helped you? No-no-nobody notices old Binro the Heretic. UNSTOFFE: You'd risk your life for me? Why? BINRO: (smiles) You wouldn't understand. (He gets up, turns to go, then looks back.) BINRO: For years, I was jeered and derided. I began to doubt even myself. Then you came along, and you told me...I was right. (He chuckles, and starts on his way...then pauses...) BINRO: Just to know that for certain, Unstoffe...is worth a life, eh? (And with that, he walks out of sight. Unstoffe suddenly gets up.) UNSTOFFE: Binro! BINRO: Yes? (Unstoffe pulls off his wrist speaker, walks over to Binro and hands it to him.) UNSTOFFE: Here. You'd better take this, just in case Garron suspects it's some kind of trick. BINRO: Oh, thanks. (chuckles) I-I'll...I'll try to hurry. UNSTOFFE: Good luck. (Binro walks into the caverns, chuckling. Unstoffe sighs and waits.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. CASTLE FOYER (The Doctor has his back to a pillar, listening as nearby Graff addresses the Captain and his guards.) GRAFF: (pushy) Captain, I am tired of waiting. How much longer? CAPTAIN: (fed up with him) The seeker will come in her own time. GRAFF: (an ominous tone in his voice) That's not polite, is it Sholakh? SHOLAKH: (a sadistic grin growing on his face) It's grossly discourteous, Highness. GRAFF: Grossly - you'd go so far as to say that, would you? SHOLAKH: I'd even say insulting. GRAFF: Then I have a right to be angry, Sholakh. Someone should be punished. SHOLAKH: Teach him the value of good manners, Highness. GRAFF: Precisely. (And with this, the Graff lifts his crystal-studded staff and vaporizes a guard with an emerald ray. We thankfully don't see the demise, only the guard's agonized last gasp. The Doctor winces, and rushes across the foyer out of sight. The Captain kneels by the fallen guard.) SHOLAKH: An excellent shot, Highness. CAPTAIN: He's dead! (looks at Graff) What have you done?!? (The Graff studies the corpse.) GRAFF: Slightly high and to the left. SHOLAKH: Still an excellent shot, your Highness. GRAFF: Thank you. (The Captain gets up.) CAPTAIN: You're not from the North...what are you? GRAFF: IMPATIENT, CAPTAIN!!! Tell the seeker I want her here...NOW. (Sholakh steps forward threateningly.) SHOLAKH: What are you waiting for, Captain? (Visibly shaken, the Captain runs off.) SHOLAKH: That stirred him up a bit. GRAFF: I flatter myself. I know how to get the best from a native. (He walks off after the Captain.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. CORRIDOR (From a high window, the Doctor watches the guards carry off their fallen member. He then heads over to...) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. GRAFF'S SUITE (...where he crosses over to the fallen guard, still covered in a blanket.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. CATACOMBS (K-9 leads the search, with Romana trailing behind. She pauses and looks around the intersection.) ROMANA: Garron? Garron, where are you? K-9: He has departed, Mistress. ROMANA: Well, that's obvious. But where? K-9: To see a man about a dog. ROMANA: WHAT?!? K-9: That was the information he imparted. ROMANA: Well, why didn't you tell me earlier? K-9: You did not ask, Mistress. (Romana sighs.) K-9: Which route, Mistress? (Romana checks her pockets for the wand - and suddenly realizes...) ROMANA: The tracer...He's stolen the tracer!! Oh, how could I have been such a fool?!? K-9: Question not understood. Kindly rephrase. ROMANA: It's vital to get that tracer back. What can I do? K-9: I will run through my databanks for information. ROMANA: I wasn't asking you, K-9!! (K-9 wags its ears.) K-9: No other entity is present. ROMANA: I was talking to myself!!! K-9: That procedure is not logical. The purpose of speech is to communicate information. (She flings her coat over K-9.) ROMANA: Be quiet, K-9 - you're a very irritating computer. K-9: (muffled) Mffress. (Romana pulls the coat off K-9 and kneels beside him.) ROMANA: Oh, I'm sorry, K-9. (She pets him. K-9 wags his ears.) ROMANA: What can we do now? K-9: Seek, mistress. (K-9 starts forward.) ROMANA: Seek? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. CITY (The bodyguards march through the medieval city, the Seeker last of all. Sholakh shoves her forward.) SHOLAKH: Move yourself, unless you want my boot behind you!! (As they move off, the Graff walks up to Sholakh.) GRAFF: We'll soon know the truth now, Sholakh, and if she proves a charlatan, we'll use her carcass for target practice. SHOLAKH: Oh, she knows that already - those bones of hers are shaking even as she's standing still. (Graff moves off. Sholakh becomes aware of a guard standing oddly still.) SHOLAKH: You!! Double up - what's keeping you?? (The guard moves past Sholakh to join the others.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. CAVERNS (Sitting on the boulder, Unstoffe begins to hear the clicking of the Key wand. He grabs a rock and ducks behind the boulder.) GARRON: (O.S.) If I ain't standing in your feet, my son, this instrument has to be Japanese! (Unstoffe gets up and runs to Garron.) UNSTOFFE: Garron! GARRON: Ah, there you are! UNSTOFFE: How did you find me? GARRON: Ah, the wonders of modern technology, my boy - this remarkable piece of equipment of a jethrik detector. In that bag, I perceive. UNSTOFFE: Yeah. But first things first, Garron. (Garron takes the bag.) GARRON: Yes, exactly. You know how attached I am to that piece of jethrik. (He shakes the bag.) GARRON: Ahh...do I hear the chink of the Graff's gold? UNSTOFFE: Money isn't everything, Garron. GARRON: Who wants everything? Heh, I'll settle for 90 percent! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CRYPT (The Seeker is going through her little ceremony.) SEEKER: I SEE HIM!! The one you seek is here! GRAFF: Then lead us to him. SEEKER: We shall not reach him. I see death standing between us. SHOLAKH: You're wrong, witch! Death is standing right behind you!! SEEKER: I will lead him, if that be your wish. But all but one of us is doomed to die. Thus has it been written. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CAVERN GARRON: Our problem now, my boy, is to find a way back! (Garron starts to get up, but Unstoffe grabs his arm.) UNSTOFFE: If we move from here, Binro will never find us again. GARRON: D'ya think he'll come back for you? UNSTOFFE: Well of course he will...after he's searched the city for you, and that'll probably take him hours. GARRON: Well, let's hope the Graff doesn't get here first. UNSTOFFE: There's not much chance of that - these caves stretch for miles. GARRON: I dunno - he's press-ganged some native witch. UNSTOFFE: What, the seeker? GARRON: You know about her? UNSTOFFE: Yeah, Binro told me about her. Hey, what about this Doctor and the girl? Any chance of them finding us? GARRON: Oh, I sincerely hope not. UNSTOFFE: Why not? I thought they'd helped you escape. GARRON: (smirks) We were temporary allies in adversity. UNSTOFFE: Well, where are they now? GARRON: The girl's wandered about somewhere. The Doctor said he'd go back and keep an eye on the Graff. UNSTOFFE: J-j-just a minute, Garron, Garron..."wandering about"...down here? GARRON: Well, I imagine so. Unless she happens to have another of these little gadgets. (Garron holds up the wand. Unstoffe takes the wand from him, disgusted.) UNSTOFFE: You stole it from her! That's where you got it from! (Garron takes it back.) GARRON: Well, I relieved her of it. It seemed such a responsibility for a young girl. UNSTOFFE: You cavalier old hypocrite. How could you?? GARRON: Well, I admit, I had a great trouble with me conscience. Fortunately, I won! (Unstoffe drops the bag, he's so sickened.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CATACOMBS (The Seeker holds a pair of bones before her, as the bodyguards, Sholakh and the Graff march behind her.) SEEKER: (mumbling) Deeper, deeper...lead us deeper yet. (Graff stops the guards and shoves his way to the front. Sholakh follows.) SHOLAKH: Highness? GRAFF: By those rocks over there - somebody moved. SHOLAKH: (to the guards) You two - bring it over here! (Two guards rush off-screen toward the mystery movement. They grab and bring the person forward - it's Binro.) GRAFF: What are you doing here?!? BINRO: Looking for fossils. GRAFF: Fossils? Grave robbing, more like. BINRO: I sell them sometimes. I cannot work, I am too old. SHOLAKH: What's that in your hand?? (Sholakh moves forward and seizes the wrist speaker from Binro's hand.) SHOLAKH: (grins) A strange fossil, Highness. (to Binro) All right, where did you get this from? BINRO: (smiles) Found it. SHOLAKH: I command the truth, old one, or we blast your head off! GRAFF: Not yet. (He pushes the group on.) GRAFF: Bring him. (The procession continues...) SEEKER: Deeper, deeper. (...the Seeker, the Graff and Sholakh, Binro, and the guards - one of whom is trailing a funny-looking scarf under and behind his cape.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. CRYPT (The Captain and his men haven't exactly been sitting idle. At the moment, they are hauling a primitive yet functional cannon over to the catacomb's entrance.) CAPTAIN: That'll do. (They position the cannon and wait. He loads in the cannonball.) CAPTAIN: Now pack it with shot. (They do so.) CAPTAIN: They say none ever returns from the deep catacombs...and if any of that lot do, they won't get very far. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. CAVERN (The Seeker leads the Graff's army into the cavern.) SEEKER: Bones, the bones...the bones, the bones...they're ALIVE!! THE ONE YOU SEEK IS HERE!! (The group stops.) BINRO: This is where, Highness. I'll show you... (Sholakh grabs at Binro as he tries to run.) SHOLAKH: STAY!! (Binro breaks free, runs to Unstoffe's side.) BINRO: Unstoffe, Unstoffe... GRAFF: KILL HIM!! GARRON: NO, YOU FOOL, YOU FOOL!!! (Garron lifts the guard's weapon as Binro runs up to Unstoffe - but Sholakh's staff is quicker, and the old man crashes at Unstoffe's feet.) BINRO: Right...I w-w-was right...Unstoffe... (Life passes out of Binro.) GARRON: Is that Binro? (Eyes filling with tears, Unstoffe nods.) GARRON: Charming fellow, the little I saw of him. (Unstoffe gets to his feet, fire in his eyes.) UNSTOFFE: Murderers. (Garron grabs him.) GARRON: Now don't be a fool!! DON'T BE A FOOL!!! UNSTOFFE: MURDERERS!!! GARRON: UNST... (ZZZZIINNNGGG!!! The blast hits Unstoffe's shoulder. He sinks to his knees. Garron runs up to him, throwing aside the weapon.) GARRON: Unstoffe... (The ground begins to rumble, shake - rocks fall from the ceiling.) GARRON: Over here!! Hurry!! UNSTOFFE: They never said the roof wasn't safe... GRAFF: GUARDS!!! THE JETHRIK!!! UNSTOFFE: Here, take it!! GARRON: Unstoffe, NO... (Unstoffe shoves the bag at Sholakh. Sholakh opens the bag.) SHOLAKH: It's here, Highness - and the gold. GRAFF: Good. When these criminals have been executed, we shall almost have settled our score here. Now, how did you escape, Garron? GARRON: Ingenuity, Highness. Sheer ingenuity. GRAFF: And where are the others, your two accomplices? GARRON: (wicked grin) Not accomplices, Highness. You mean the Security agents. GRAFF: SECURITY AGENTS?!? GARRON: Yeah, that's the irony of it. They just arrested us for landing on a Class-3 planet and didn't even know of your presence until you made it felt!! GRAFF: YOU LIE!!! GARRON: Why should I bother? No Graff, their report will be with the Alliance shortly, and you'll no longer be a nobleman of the Selenic Empire and an honoured war veteran. You'll just be a common criminal like US!!! GRAFF: STAND THEM AGAINST THAT WALL!!!!! (The guards shove Garron and Unstoffe against the rock wall - and the Doctor, disguised in guard's clothing, sticks his dog whistle through the helmet slit into his mouth and blows.) SHOLAKH: As a firing squad, fall in! GARRON: Unstoffe, my son. UNSTOFFE: what? GARRON: I was going to make a touching speech, but my throat is too dry. (At that moment, a Shrivenzale enters the cavern, heading straight for the group!!) SHOLAKH: STAND FAST!! ATTACK THE BEAST!!! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. ANOTHER CAVERN (Romana kneels by K-9, who's combing the area with his scanners.) ROMANA: Can you locate it, K-9? (K-9 wags his ears.) K-9: Position determined, Mistress. This way. (K-9 starts moving forward. Romana smiles as she follows.) ROMANA: There's a good computer. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. CRYPT (The Captain's men pause in their cannon-loading work as sounds of the battle reach them.) SHRIEVE: I can hear firing! CAPTAIN: Get back, then! Take cover!! (The guards move away from the cannon.) CAPTAIN: I'll close the catacombs...forever. (The Captain grabs a candle and uses it to light the fuse...) (BOOOMMMM!!!) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. CATACOMBS (The effect is immediate and devastating. The entire passage collapses in a wave of rock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. CAVERN SHOLAKH: BACK, HIGHNESS!! BACK!!! (Everyone jumps for cover, screaming as rocks and boulders fall upon them. Most of the guards are crushed by the rocks. As the dust settles...) SHOLAKH: No...no, Highness...leave me...I'm...I'm done... (Sholakh has been pinned down by the rocks as well. Miraculously, the Seeker, it seems, has escaped injury.) GRAFF: Not you, Sholakh! Never!! SHOLAKH: My guts...are...flat... GRAFF: Look, I'll get you out!! You'll be all right! SHOLAKH: The jethrik, highness...take the jethrik. (The Graff shouts to the Seeker.) GRAFF: HERE, YOU HELP ME WITH MY GENERAL!! (The Seeker gets up and waves her bones around.) SEEKER: Too late. He is dead. (And so he is, even as the Graff worms the jethrik out from under the rocks. The Graff looks wildly at the sole remaining guard.) GRAFF: LEAVE US!!! (They do. The Graff looks down at his fallen confidant and friend. He closes Sholakh's open eyes with a shaking hand.) GRAFF: I'll avenge you, Sholakh. I'll bombard this stinking planet till it's nothing but a smoking HOLE in space!!!! (He kisses Sholakh once. Then he hefts the jethrik and walks out into the catacombs. On the other side of the cavern, Garron and Unstoffe are trapped by rock.) UNSTOFFE: (coughing) Come on now, Garron. GARRON: (coughing) Oh, I'm dead already. UNSTOFFE: Get up. (They try, but just can't do it.) GARRON: Oh, such lousy shots - they got me in the foot. UNSTOFFE: You weren't shot - the roof just fell in. GARRON: So we're buried alive. Oh Unstoffe, I don't like the options we're getting. (Unstoffe claps Garron's shoulder.) UNSTOFFE: Shh. Listen... (On the other side of the boulders...) ROMANA: Listen, K-9! There's somebody behind there! Hello, can you hear me? (A tapping noise.) ROMANA: There is someone! Help me move this rock, K-9! (She strains at it.) ROMANA: Oh, it's no good. It won't budge. Can you do anything to help, K-9? K-9: Affirmative. Please stand clear, Mistress. (Romana takes a few steps back. K-9 incinerates the offending boulders with his nose laser, freeing Unstoffe and Garron.) GARRON: Oh, my dear, ha ha! Oh, there you are!! I've been looking for you everywhere! You...ahem...dropped this. (He hands her the wand as she helps them over the melted boulders.) ROMANA: Into your hand, yes. Let's go, shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. CATACOMBS (The Graff has joined the guard and the Seeker at the half-buried catacombs, wielding a staff in hand.) GRAFF: I'm going to blow up these caves behind us. SEEKER: (shocked) What are you doing, alien? The Ice Gods... GRAFF: SILENCE!!! These caves will not shelter your scum from my missiles. Now, you made a prophecy, old woman - what was it? SEEKER: "All but one doomed to die. Thus written." (The Graff sticks his staff in the old woman's face) GRAFF: THEN DIE NOW!! (He fires, at point blank range. The guard starts to move as the corpse crashes down, and the Graff spins the staff to face him. The Graff laughs nervously, and puts his staff away.) GRAFF: No, not you soldier. I have a far more honourable purpose for you. So you're the last of my guards, eh? The last of my Levithian invincibles. All the rest are dead, even Sholakh. (catches his breath) Were you with me on Skaan, soldier? GUARD: (with the unmistakable voice of the Doctor) No, sir. GRAFF: So many battles: Skaan, the freighter's labyrinth, Krestus Minor - now THERE was a fight! I remember Sholakh planting my standard in the very heart of the Krestan general! So many battles...so many years...but over now. (He's clearly losing it.) GRAFF: All but one of us doomed to die, soldier. Thus...has it been written. (He pulls out a small grey box. He sets some controls, and it starts beeping. He hands it over to the Doctor-guard.) GRAFF: There is no greater honour, soldier, then to surrender your life in the service of the Graff Vynda-K. (He hugs the Doctor tightly, then turns to walk up the passage. He pauses, looking at the guard one last time.) GRAFF: All but one of us... (He becomes aware of the noises, from outside and above. Horses whinnying. People shouting. Or is he imagining it?) GRAFF: Sholakh...SHOLAKH...SHOLAKH!!!! TO ME, TO ME!!!! CHARGE!!!! ONWARDS!!!! ONWARDS!!!! (He continues through the half-destroyed passage, screaming and raving, accompanied only by delusions and ghosts.) DOCTOR: 3...2...1. (BOOOOMM!!!) (Graff Vynda-K blows apart off-screen. The Doctor bows his head (which makes his helmet fall off). He sighs and lifts what's in his hand - not the bomb the Graff gave him, but the glowing blue jethrik - the first segment of the Key to Time.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. CASTLE FOYER - SOON THEREAFTER (The Doctor, now in his (ab)normal regalia, is on his way to the TARDIS with Romana and K-9 in tow. Garron and Unstoffe (his shot arm in a sling) follow to see them off.) DOCTOR: 4 o'clock and all's well. Goodbye, Garron! GARRON: Doctor... DOCTOR: Yes? GARRON: Doctor, I...I still don't understand. DOCTOR: What don't you understand, Garron? Go on, ask me something. What is it don't you understand? Who came first, the chicken or the egg? Go on, ask me something, ask me something. GARRON: (laughs) Look, how did you manage to switch the jethrik for the thermite pack without the Graff noticing? DOCTOR: Garron...I would've thought you'd have known that. (He waves his hands around.) DOCTOR: Sleight of hand! (The two laugh again.) GARRON: Oh. DOCTOR: I was trained by Mescaline. ROMANA: (cool) Quite clever, really. (The Doctor's mood deflates instantly.) DOCTOR: I do dislike faint praise. It was astoundingly clever, wasn't it Garron? GARRON: Indeed it was, Doctor. Oh, Doctor...? DOCTOR: Yes? GARRON: A favour to beg. You think I might just...handle the jethrik once more? Please? For old time's sake, you know? (Romana's look says "Don't trust him." The Doctor digs around in his pocket anyway, and hands it to him.) GARRON: Oh, it's lovely, isn't it? I'm so reluctant to part with it...oh, dear me. (He hands it back.) GARRON: Oh well, there you are Doctor. Thank you very much. (They hug.) DOCTOR: Goodbye, Garron. GARRON: Oh, goodbye Doctor. DOCTOR: (laughs, to Unstoffe) What's your name? UNSTOFFE: Unstoffe. DOCTOR: Goodbye, Unstoffe. UNSTOFFE: Goodbye, Doctor. (The Doctor breaks the hug and goes into the TARDIS. Romana starts to follow.) K-9: Mistress!! (The little dog is rolling up to the TARDIS as fast as he can.) ROMANA: Come along, K-9. (to the two thieves) Goodbye. GARRON and UNSTOFFE: Goodbye. (K-9 finally makes it in, and Romana shuts the door.) UNSTOFFE: I think, Garron, we HAVE to go straight now. (Garron puts an arm around him.) GARRON: Oh, come, my boy. Don't be downhearted, eh? We haven't done too badly. UNSTOFFE: Haven't done too badly? W-we've lost the jethrik, and we've come out of this without a penny. GARRON: Oh, don't forget that there's a Graff ship - stuffed with 18 years of loot. (Unstoffe brightens up immediately.) UNSTOFFE: You crafty old... (A moaning and wheezing sound interrupts him. Both pairs of eyes turn to the TARDIS, which does its famous disappearing act before them.) UNSTOFFE: That's a queer take-off. GARRON: Well, thank goodness he's gone. I was afraid he'd notice. UNSTOFFE: Notice what? GARRON: We haven't lost the jethrik. I switched it for a piece of ordinary stone. (They laugh.) GARRON: Yeah, I did! Look! (He pulls it out from his pocket - a piece of ordinary stone. Shaking, he squeezes Unstoffe's hurt shoulder painfully.) GARRON: He switched it back again!! Oh, Unstoffe...is there NOBODY you can trust these days? [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Romana gingerly places the glowing blue jethrik on a table. Slowly, carefully, the Doctor prepares to touch the jethrik with the tip of the Key wand.) DOCTOR: Would you like to do it? Here. (He hands her the wand.) ROMANA: Well...perhaps you'd better do it, Doctor. (She hands it back.) DOCTOR: All right...no, you do it. Go on, you do it. I'll just stand here and watch. (He hands it to her again.) ROMANA: (cringes) Right... (She slowly lowers the wand...the tip touches the jethrik...the jethrik begins to glow and hum...and presto!! An irregular crystal block now replaces the jethrik on the table. Romana sighs and picks it up.) DOCTOR: The first segment. (He takes it.) DOCTOR: Simple, wasn't it? Only five more to go. [SCENE_BREAK] Cue Doctor Who theme playing over energy whirlpool.

The Doctor returns to the city to keep an eye on the Graff, leaving Romana, K9 and Garron to search for Unstoffe and the first segment. However, Garron double crosses them and steals the tracer.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_03x09

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_03x09_0

At the appartment Ted from 2030: Back when we were dating robin and I had this running joke. We were the only two people in the world who found it funny. Barney: No way! March does not have 31 days. Marshall: Yes, it does! Everyone knows that. It's like general knowledge. Ted & Robin: General knowledge. Ted from 2030: And we did it all the time. At the Bar Lily: Isn't it sad? I mean in 2007, some countries actually still condone corporal punishment. Ted & Robin: Corporal punishment. Ted from 2030: Because once you start, it's surprisingly hard to stop. Marshall: Oh, man, I got a kernel stuck in my teeth. Ted & Robin: Colonel stuck-in-my-teeth. Please stop! I hate you! You're killing me! Ted from 2030: But now, we were broken up,so when Marshall said... Marshall: But after the first year,I get a major pay raise. Ted from 2030: We just let it slide. You see, on the surface, Robin and I looked like we were doing great. But the truth is, trying to be friends with your ex is a lot harder than it looks. You can't be as candid as you used to be. At the appartment Ted: So then this hot intern leans over my desk, I can totally see she has a pierced... (Robin and Lily walk across the room) Brosnan. Pierce brosnan is my favorite of all the bonds. At the Bar Ted from 2030: But most importantly, you can never, ever be alone together. (Barney, Marshall and Lily leave the booth) Barney: I gotta go. Marshall: I'm gonna go pay. Lily: Peeing. (Ted and Robin stays awkwardly at the booth, then...) Ted: I'm gonna help marshall pay. Robin: I'm gonna help lily pee. [OPENING CREDITS] At the Bar (Lily drops a big turkey onto the table) Lily: All right,we have a turkey. Marshall: Yeah, we do. Lily: Isn't this exciting? Our first Thanksgiving together as a group. Marshall: Yeah, this is gonna be the best Slapsgiving ever. Barney: What? Marshall: I said this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever. Ted: yeah, this is going to be great. Just the five of us, right? Robin: Oh, uh, that reminds me, I invited Bob. Lily: Bob? You've been on, like, three dates with that guy. We haven't even met him. Robin: Well, he didn't have anywhere else to go, and I didn't know what to say. Is it really that big a deal? Lily: Yes. This is our first Thanksgiving. 30 years from now, we're going to look at the photos and say, "Oh, there's the four people I love most in the world... and Bob." Robin: I'm sorry,sometimes I forget how seriously you guys take American Thanksgiving. Real thanksgiving happened over a month ago. Barney: I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting,"the real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate about? Robin: Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer martin frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the northwest passage. Barney: Why are you guys even a country? Marshall: Oh, hey, by the way, if anyone wants to come over early thursday, we can watch the Slapsgiving day parade. Barney: Well, there, you said it again. Marshall: Said what? Barney: Slapsgiving. Marshall: Oh, I guess I did. You know why? I've invented a new holiday: Slapsgiving. It's the one day we set aside each year to gather together and give slaps. Ted from 2030: I should explain. Kids, you remember the slap bet a year earlier, Marshall made a bet with Barney and won the right to slap him five times. He had already used the first and the second. But Marshall had something special in store for the third. [FLASHBACK] (There's a countdown on a computer screen) Marshall, on the phone with Barney: slapcountdown.com. Barney: no. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: No, no. The countdown ends at 3:00 p.m., the day after Thanksgiving. I counted it out. Ted: How many days are in october? Barney: Uh, thirty. Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year. [FLASHBACK] Barney, with a funny accent: I like Halloween very much. Is nice. Ted: Is also tomorrow. Barney: Damn it! [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Wait, you're gonna slap me on Thanksgiving? Marshall: Slapsgiving. Barney: That's not allowed. Lily, you're the slap bet commissioner, is that allowed? Lily: The hostess in me who's using her wedding china for the first time wants to say hell, no, but yeah, I 'm going to allow it. Barney: Well, you know what? If you're trying to freak me out about spending Thanksgiving... Marshall: Slapsgiving. Barney:...at your place, then you failed. Truth is, I'm not scared. Marhall: Really? Barney: Right. Cause you blew it. The worst part about getting slapped is not knowing when it's going to happen. But now I know exactly when I'm gonna get slapped. So, you took all the suspense out. You showed your hand. Marshall: And thursday at 3:01 p.m., your face is going to show my hand. Robin: Oh, there's Bob! By the way, heads up, he's a little bit older than us. Ted: How old is he? Robin: He's forty-one. Hey, bob! Over here! Ted from 2030: Okay, kids, the truth is, Bob probably looked like this. (A fortyish-looking kind of man enters the bar) Bob: Hey, sweetie. Robin: Hi. Ted from 2030: But when your ex is dating someone new your mind tends to accentuate their flaws. This is how I saw bob. (Bob looks now like an eighty-years-old man) Bob: Hey, dudes,what's crackin'?. Ted: Hey, man, how are you? Bob: Good to meet you. Sorry I'm late. I just got off the phone with my parents. Ted: Parents? Bob: They were totally on my case: "What are you gonna do with your life? You're forty-one." and I'm like, "Chillax, snowboarding is a legit career. you ought to be stoked I found my bliss." and speaking of bliss,sugar me, baby. ( Robin and Bob kiss) Robin: Let's go get a drink. (Bob and Robin goes away) Ted: Unbelievable. Robin is dating Orville Redenbacher. Lily: What are you talking about? He's forty-one.he looks great. Marshall: Yeah, du he's in pretty good shape. He could probably kick your ass. Ted: How are you guys not seeing this? He's 150; Robin's 27. Barney, come on,what do you got? Barney: Nothing but respect for that man. Lily: Oh, by the way, we're all baking pies at robin's tomorrow. Marshall can't be trusted in the apartment with pies overnight. Marshall: For the millionth time, sleep-eating is a very serious and delicious medical condition. Ted: Hey, uh, what time are you guys going to robin's? Lily: 7:30. Ted: Perfect. Just to be safe, I'll get there like 8:00, 8:30. At Robin's Ted: Sorry I'm late. Where are Marshall and Lily? Robin: Uh, they just called. They're both super swamped preparing for tomorrow. Ted: Is Bob coming? Robin: No, he went to see green day. Ted: So it's... Ted and Robin:...just the two of us. Robin: Making pies. Ted: Pies. They're things that friends make together. Robin: Yeah, they do. Ted: Great. Robin: Yeah. Ted: Great. Well, this is great. It'll give us a chance to catch up. Robin: Yeah. Ted: I'm going to make a phone call. (On the phone with Barney who is at the Bar) Hey, it's me. listen, you have to come over here and make pies. Barney: Yeah, I'll be there, absolutely. Ted: Oh, awesome, you're a lifesaver. It's still kind of weird being alone with Robin, but if you were here... Barney: Hey, say no more. I mean, when I pulled you out of that burning wreckage, I wasn't doing it to have a battleship named after me. But if you insist, yes, I'll be there for the christening. Ted: You're hitting on someone right now, aren't you? Barney: No, I'm not going to wear the medal of honor. That would just be tacky. Ted: So you're not coming to make pies. Barney: No, no. Thank you, mr. President. (He hungs up) Sorry. At the appartment Ted from 2030: After a very long night, it was finally the big holiday. Sorry, the two big holidays. Lily: Oh, marshall, are you working on the cranberry sauce? Marshall: In a minute, baby. I've only got so many hands. You see what I got going on here? They're turkeys, but they're also hands, because later, we're going to eat turkey... and then i'm going to slap you in your face. Barney: Please, you took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, the killer does not grab a bullhorn and announce, "Attention unsupervised teens here at the lake house: at precisely 3:00 a.m., I'm gonna jump out of that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. P.S. fire is my one weakness." (Someone is knocking on the door, Ted opens it) Robin: Hey, ted. Ted: Hey, happy Thanksgiving. Robin: You, too. Is lily in the kitchen? Ted: yep. Robin: Great. Ted: Marshall? Robin: Lily? Ted and Robin: Something really weird happened last night. Marshall: What do you mean something weird happened last night? Ted: You may not realize this, but since we broke up, Robin and I have never really been alone together. [FLASHBACK] Ted: So we're in the kitchen, starting on the pies, and we realize, we don't have a damn thing to say to each other. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: I mean, you can't talk about how close you used to be. You can't talk about how close you're not now. You just feel like everything you say is gonna make things worse. Barney: Exactly. And you know why? Because you don't want to hurt someone you really care about, especially around the holidays. I mean, what decent human being would want to cause any kind of emotional or physical pain... Marshall: You're still getting slapped. Ted: I wanted to leave, but i couldn't stick her with making all the pies by herself. She was exhausted. Robin: I yawned like a million times trying to get him to leave. Lily: Yeah, some people just can't take a hint. By the way, I'm really swamped in here. Robin: I kept looking at the clock and sighing... totally clueless. Lily: Uh-huh. I'm not sure I have time to mash those potatoes, you're standing right next to. Robin: And then Ted does the thing that he always does when there's an awkward silence. Lily: Yep. masher's right there, next to the pot. Robin: He panics and says the first thing that pops into his head. [FLASHBACK] Robin: Hey, did you know that the first pies in recorded history came from Ancient Egypt? Ted: Remember last year's Thanksgiving, when we had s*x seven times? [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Ooh. terrible. Ted: What?! I thought it would break the ice. Robin: I'd already broken the ice with my cool pie fact. then he makes it ten times more awkward. Lily: How do you respond to something like that? [FLASHBACK] Robin: Did you know that the egyptian pyramids can be seen from space? Probably? Ted: Ooh, the oven's pre-heated! Robin: Okay, um... the pecan pie is gonna take the longest. Why don't we put that one in first? Ted: Pecan pie? Why are we making that? Robin: Um, it's my favorite. Ted: You're allergic. Robin: I know. I just like smelling it. It's like eating with your nose. Ted: So we're making a pie for Bob. Robin: Yeah. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: She's got you making pies for this guy? Ted: Yeah. Marshall: That is a real slap in the face. [FLASHBACK] Ted: You know, you could have just told me it was for Bob. Robin: Yeah, I-I just thought it might upset you. Ted: Upset me? Wait a second. Do you think that......Do you think that I'm jealous of Bob? Robin: I don't know. Is it so ridiculous to think that you might be? Ted: Yes. Robin: Why? Ted: Because he's a thousand years old. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: No, Ted! What are you doing? Robin: Right? [FLASHBACK] Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that we can only talk about the first Thanksgiving, Robin: Come on. Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is because I heard noah gave him shotgun in the ark. Robin: Ted... Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that I'm just an architect, but he discovered fire. How do you top that? Robin: He's 41! Why are you bashing on him so hard? Ted: I'm not. I'm just joking around. That's what friends do. Robin: It's mean. Ted: Well, how come we're all allowed to bust on barney when he dates some skanktron, but when you sleep with the crypt keeper's dad, I'm not allowed to say a word? Robin: First of all, Bob and I are not sleeping together. We're just dating. Secondly, have I said one word about the parade of dubious conquests you've been marching past me the last few months? One of whom got you a butterfly tattoo? Ted: Hey, that is... Robin: And if you and I are such good friends... why is baking a pie for Bob so weird? Ted: Yeah, if you and i are such good friends, why couldn't you just tell me that's what we were doing? Okay, maybe we should talk about this later. I-I should get going. Robin: Well, what are we doing? It's Thanksgiving. Ted: I don't know. I'm sorry. This is stupid. Robin: I'm sorry, too. Of course we're friends. I'm glad we're friends. Ted: me, too. (They hug and then kiss) [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily, Marshall and Barney: You guys slept together last night? Lily: That is a terrible idea! Marshall: Horrible idea. Barney: Relapse five! That's where we high-five, then it's awkward for a little bit... and then we high-five again! Lily: What the hell were you doing? Let's review: you and Ted broke up six months ago. You're dating another man... Robin: You are correct, Sir. Lily:...who's coming to my thanksgiving today... Robin: That is a truth-fact. Lily:...an event Ted is also attending. Robin: kablammo. Lily: Why are you trying to destroy American Thanksgiving?! Robin: Oh, Lily, it's not as bad as it sounds. Bob and I aren't that serious, and what happened last night with Ted was a fluke. Lily: Well, did you guys at least talk about it? [FLASHBACK] Ted:: There's office material... Robin: I hear something burning... [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Clearly, we need to ignore this. Robin: Clearly, we need to talk about this. Ted and Robin: You know? to save the friendship. Robin: We need to talk. Ted: Stuffed mushroom? Robin: We need to talk about last night. Ted: Did you know that some mushrooms are carnivorous? Probably... not? Robin: Ted, can we please just deal with this? Look, I'm not mad. I just think... Ted: Wait, wait, wait, wait. why would you be mad... you started it? Robin: What?! you're crazy! Ted: We called a truce, we hugged, and when I tried to pull away, you kept your hand on my neck. Robin: Only because your hand was still around my waist. Ted: Oh, come on! You leaned into it. Robin: I... leaned into it? Ted: Yeah. You're like the crappy kid in little league who knows he's not going to make contact, so he just..."Oops, I got hit by the pitch. Better take my base." Robin: Oh, that was you in little league, wasn't it? Ted: My on-base percentage was off the charts! (Ted drops a plate full of appetizers) Marshall: Oh, no! The slap-petizers. Lily: You know what? That's it! This is Thanksgiving. Solve this right now. And if you have s*x again, neither of you gets dessert! Oh, what the hell kind of Thanksgiving is this anyway? Barney: Um, most Thanksgivings. Marshall: Don't stress, baby. I'll try to find us something relaxing. Lily: Thanks, baby. Ooh, some classical music, maybe. [SCENE_BREAK] (The count-down appears on the computer screen) Marshall: Oh, my! Look at that. That means we're in the final hour of the countdown. Barney: I'm not scared. Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching? It's not... maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum. Barney: Please don't slap me. Marshall: I'm sorry, what? Barney: Oh, God! don't slap me again! I don't want to get slapped again, and the first two times hurt so bad, I don't like it! I don't like it one bit! Marshall: I thought I ruined it by putting a clock on it, Barney? Barney: Well, you didn't ruin it; you made it so much worse! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost ten pounds; my suits are wearing me. You know what? I'm outta here. Marshall: Well, no, no, no. you can't leave. Barney: Why can't I?! Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to sit through sort of mental torture! You are allowed to slap my face, Sir, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! Good day! Marshall: But it's Slapsgiving. Lily: No! It's not! It's Thanksgiving! Our first one as a married couple, as grownups and you're not even trying to be a part of it! None of you are! So... as slap bet commissioner, I'm issuing a ruling. Thanksgiving is a day of peace. There will be no slaps today! Marshall: What?! Barney: Yes! In your face! Not my face... your face! (Bob arrives) Bob: What's up, dudes? All: Hey, bob. Marshall: Baby,please... -no! Lily: The slap bet commissioner's word is final, so get in the kitchen and mash some potatoes, now. And for the rest of the day, we are going to enjoy a civilized, grownup holiday. Bob: Not too grownup. I made jell-o shots. We're gonna get silly, bitches. In Ted's room Robin: Look at us! We can't be alone together, can we? Ted: Apparently not. Robin: What does that mean? We're supposed to be friends. Ted: We aren't friends, are we? Not really. We avoid each other. We smile politely. We're two people who pretend to be friends because it would be inconvenient not to. Robin: Well, maybe we should stop pretending. Ted: Maybe we should. Robin: So... what do we do now? Ted: I suppose... we eat dinner. And then that's it. Robin: Okay. (Robin leaves the room) Ted: Happy Thanksgiving. (Ted leaves the room too) At diner Ted from 2030: So we sat down to our first Thanksgiving together as a group...and, apparently, our last. Barney: Marshall, you're not eating. Did something spoil your slap-petite? Marshall: No, i just thought...before we eat, maybe the chef would like to say a few words. Lily: Nope. This sucks. Eat up and leave. Marshall: Well, then, I'd like to say something. If that's cool? Um... today, Lily did something great. Not only did she gather us all here together and cook a delicious meal, but she also started a new tradition. We're gonna do this again next year, and the year after that... maybe for the rest of our lives. I think that's pretty amazing if you think about it. And it's all thanks to you,Lily. I love you. So, to the first of many Thanksgivings together. Bob: This is rad! A nice, small,simple Thanksgiving. I'm the youngest of ten in my family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess. All the yelling and the screaming... Ted from 2030: And then a funny thing happened... Bob: It's really a major buzz-kill. Ted and Robin: Major buzz-kill. Lily: Oh, no... Barney: I thought we were done with that? Robin: I guess we're not. Ted: Guess we're not. Ted from 2030: You see kids, friendship is an involuntary reflex... It just happens,you can't help it. That first Thanksgiving turned out to be a wonderful dinner with the four people I love most in the world... and Bob and it did become a tradition. That's why every year,we go to aunt Lily and uncle Marshall's for Thanksgiving. Barney: Hey, check it out! We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing. Lily: Barney, put it away. Barney: How does it feel, Marshall,to sit there, impotently... your large, flaccid hand,just dangling in the wind? Voice: The slap will occur in ten.. Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. Too bad! Lily: Barney, put it away. Voice:...six... Barney: I will in... five... Voice:... five, four... Lily: You can slap him. Voice:...three... Barney: What?! Wait, you... Voice:...two...one. (Marshall slaps Barney with all his might, Barney falls down) Marshall: That's three! Thanks, baby, you're the best. And as a special, added bonus, I've composed a song just for this occasion. Ted, lights! (Marshall starts playing the piano and singing) *What is this feelin' that's put you in your place a hot, red burnin' on the side of your face you feel the blood rush to your cheek. Tears start to fill your eyes and your lips are tremblin' but you can't speak,you're tryin', oh, you're tryin' not to cry! You just got sla-apped-oh, oh! Across the face, my friend-oh, oh, oh! You just got slapped. Yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it and everybody laughed and clapped, it was awesome. Wait,you just got... slapped. Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.* Bob is gone, the gang is in the kitchen Lily: Well, guys have fun. Ted: This is gonna be majoy cleaner. All: Major cleaner! Marshall: Oh man, we're gonna be doing this all the time, now aren't we? Robin: That's the general idea. All: General idea.

As Lily and Marshall host their first Thanksgiving as a married couple, Barney is tortured by the tick-tock of the slap bet countdown clock and the uncertainty of the exact moment the slap is going to be delivered.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_07x17

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_07x17_0

Sceme: The apartment Bernadette: Raj, your tag's sticking out. Raj: Thank you. That was the closest I've come to s*x in, like, two years. Bernadette: Now I feel a little gross. Raj: You're only making it seem more real for me. Howard: Hey, that's my wife. If anyone's gonna make her feel gross about s*x, it's me. Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life? Sheldon: How about Penny's depressing acting career? Leonard: Hey. I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams, and in my book, that is not depressing. Penny: Aw, thank you. Howard: Is that book called Lies I Tell to Get s*x? Raj: Is that a real book? I would totally read that book. Amy: Can I borrow it when you're done? Penny: Well, I'll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week. Leonard: Why would you do that? Penny: Because it was crap. It's a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in. Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that. Sheldon: She does. 42 minutes in. Raj: While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters. Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is. Penny: Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape's DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet. Sheldon: Am I missing something, or isn't that the part she was born to play? Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: So are you really not gonna do this movie? Penny: Well, I don't think it's the kind of part that's good for my career. Leonard: Well, but don't a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies? Penny: Okay, I don't think Meryl Streep ever had to say "Must keep gorilla hands from killing again!" Raj: If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong. Leonard: I don't know anything about show business, so if you think it's reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I'm sure you know what you're doing. Amy: I think we're gonna go. Sheldon: Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn't get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard's. Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do. Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye. Bernadette: Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband? Penny: Oh, I'm sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices. Amy: I think we're gonna go. Leonard: No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you'd rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it's a fight. Sheldon: Well, with that sorted out, I'm happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it. Howard: I didn't do anything. I was just sitting here. Sheldon: I wasn't referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman. Raj: Ha-a-a. Still funny. Bernadette: That was ten years ago. Sheldon: Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over. Amy: Really? Howard: The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That's funny. Raj: I was there. It was funny. Sheldon: In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth. Scene: The street Amy: Thanks for walking me to my car. Raj: Actually, it's for both of us. Last night, I watched West Side Story, and I'm a little freaked out by street gangs. Amy: Why can't Raj find a girl? The mystery continues. Raj: I don't appreciate your sarcasm, but we've still got two blocks to go, so I'll put up with it. Amy: Whatever happened with your online dating? Raj: No one was writing me back, so I stopped checking my profile. Amy: Before I met Sheldon, I was ready to give up, too. Once, I even dropped in on my OBGYN just to get some human contact. Raj: It has been a while since I got my prostate checked. Amy: Then I met Sheldon and look at where we are now. Raj: What? You've kissed, like, once in three years. Amy: That's true. Do whatever you want. Scene: Sheldon's office. Howard: Hey. Sheldon: Hello. Howard: Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends. Sheldon: Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much. Howard: Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn't hear the rest 'cause she took her bra off. Sheldon: Very well. How do you propose we move forward? Howard: Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other. Sheldon: That's a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it. Howard: Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can't go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I'll show you around the space centre. Sheldon: I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you've made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America? Howard: No. Sheldon: I'm glad because I would not have seen that coming. Scene: Amy's lab. Raj: Amy, I could use some help. Amy: Oh. Let me guess. There's an undergrad in a leather jacket snapping his fingers by the water fountain. Raj: I thought about what you said last night, and I went back on the dating Web site and I was looking at this girl's profile. She's amazing. Amy: Oh, she's cute. And smart. Phi Beta Kappa. Raj: And judging by her lack of Adam's apple, she's been female her entire life. I like that in a woman. Amy: Great, so what do you need me for? Raj: Well, I was up all night trying to write to her, but I wanted to run it by you first. Amy: All right. Raj: Emily, your face is like a precious dew-kissed flower. Amy: Wow. Raj: I know. Powerful stuff, huh? Amy: No. You're supposed to be yourself, not all desperate and creepy. Raj: Okay, I'm getting some mixed messages here. Amy: Just say something normal like, I saw your profile. Looks like we have a lot in common, let's get a cup of coffee sometime." Raj: Yes. Where I can be jealous of the cup touching your ruby lips. Or you just write it for me. Amy: I'm not gonna pretend to be you. Raj: I don't want you to pretend to be me. You can be like my, uh, online wingman. Like if we met her at a bar and you talked me up. Amy: Well, what would I say to her? Raj: Just tell her what I'm really like. And, if you think it'll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words. Scene: Penny's car. Sheldon: Thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy. Penny: Oh, it's no problem. Is everything okay? Sheldon: Oh, I'm fine. It's just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There's the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America. Penny: Remember the old days when I would've said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn't sound good. Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on? Penny: Yes. Sheldon: Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine... Penny: Yeah, I know it's on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now. Sheldon: Maybe it's just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Are we playing individual or teams? Raj: Teams are fun. Sheldon: Oh, in that case, I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard. Raj: But I'm always on Howard's team. We're best friends. The kind who finish each others... Howard: I really don't think we do tha... Raj: Do that. See? Penny: Oh, hi. Leonard: Oh, how'd it go at the mechanic? Penny: Not great. Can I talk to you for a sec? Leonard: Yeah, sure. Raj: Maybe I can go with you guys to Houston? Howard: Isn't it a little late to get plane tick... Raj: Plane tickets? Yeah. Howard: Will you please sto... Raj: Stop that? Okay. Scene: The stairwell. Penny: I don't know what to do. My car threw a rod and it's totaled. I can't afford a new one, I have no job, and now I can't drive to auditions. Leonard: I'm so sorry. I know it's a sensitive subject, but can you reconsider that part in the movie? Penny: I did. I called them. The part's gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl's gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her. Leonard: At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go. Penny: How? Unlike me, you have a job. I'm just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life. Sheldon: Leonard, would you wrap it up? We're waiting on you. Penny: I'm sorry, is the fact that my life's falling apart interfering with your board game? Sheldon: It is. You were wrong, friend Howard. She completely understood. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Amy's lab. Raj: Hey, you busy? Amy: No. What's up? Raj: Have you heard back from Emily? Amy: I have. Raj: Great. And? Amy: And I'm afraid she doesn't think you're right for her. Raj: I give you one simple thing to do, contact a complete stranger and make her fall in love with me, and you blow it. Amy: I told her what a good guy you are, but she thought it was a bad sign that you didn't write to her yourself. She thought it made you seem too shy and passive. Raj: I'm not too shy and passive. You write her back and tell her I said that. You know, when you have a second. Amy: Look, I'll see if I can change her mind tomorrow night. Raj: What's happening tomorrow night? Amy: I'm meeting her for coffee. Raj: What? Amy: Well, we just, we e-mailed back and forth a bit, and we kind of hit it off. Raj: I find a girl I like, and you're stealing her? Amy: No. We just ended up having a lot in common. We went to Harvard, we like Chaucer, we're both hardcore into quilting. Raj: Your words fall like acid rain on the wounded petals of my heart. Scene: Bernadette's car. Howard: That's Sheldon. He says he'll be down in a minute. Bernadette: What are you doing? Howard: Oh, he's not coming out until he sees proof you don't have an air freshener in your car. Bernadette: This is gonna be a long weekend for you. Howard: You're the reason I'm doing it. Bernadette: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn't tell you to take him on a romantic getaway. Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts. Sheldon: Hello. Bernadette: Hi. Howard: Hey, buddy. Bernadette: You excited for Texas? Sheldon: Oh, very much so. Howard: It's not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut. Sheldon: Oh, who's the real astronaut? Howard: Buzz Aldrin. Sheldon: Oh. Yay. Scene: An airplane. Sheldon: (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? (Tap, tap, tap) Howard? Howard: What now? Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom. Howard: You just went to the bathroom. Sheldon: But I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn't have a seatbelt. Howard: Well, it still doesn't. Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago. Howard: Fine. Sheldon: Why are you getting annoyed? Howard: I'm trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things. Sheldon: Like when? Howard: When? How about in the car? I'm an astronaut, and you know it. You just don't like admitting it, because you're jealous. Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me. Howard: Thank you. Sheldon: Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there. Aren't you going to let me out? Howard: No. Sheldon: But I still need to use the bathroom. Howard: Here you go. Be creative. What's the matter? Scared of a little turbulence? Sheldon: No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I'm not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are. Howard: Oh, this is nothing. I experienced way worse when I was plummeting back to Earth, apparently not being a real astronaut. Okay, that was a big one. Sheldon: I take it back. I'm scared of turbulence! Howard: I'm gonna need that bag back. Scene: Penny's apartment. Leonard: You sure you want to do this? Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn't I want to get my old job back? It'll be fun to see everyone. I haven't talked to them since I said I quit, see you at the Oscars, bitches. Come on, let's just get this over with. Leonard: Let's get this over with. Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory, or are we having s*x? I'm just, I'm trying to lighten the mood. Penny: I know. Thank you. Leonard: Sorry. Penny: It's just so humiliating. Leonard: So humiliating? Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory...? I'm sorry. I'll. I'll stop. I'll stop. Scene: Outside the building. Leonard: Come on, don't look so sad. You never know what's gonna happen. Maybe tonight will be great. Penny: Sweetie, I know you're trying to make me feel better, and I love you for that, but it's making me feel worse, and I kind of hate you. This isn't your car. Leonard: I know. I thought we'd take yours. Penny: I don't understand. Leonard: It's nothing fancy, but it'll get you to auditions, and at least for now, you don't have to go back to waitressing. Penny: I don't know what to say. Leonard: Don't say anything. Penny: Oh, my God. Leonard: I mean, you could say thank you. I did just buy you a car. Scene: A coffee shop. Amy: Look, I admit that it's odd that Rajesh didn't write to you himself, but if you get to know him, you'll see he's just a sweet, regular guy. As a counterpoint, here he is, uninvited and visibly sweaty. Raj: Hello, Emily. Emily: Hello. Raj: Amy told me you were concerned that I might be too passive and shy. Let me ask you something. Would a passive guy barge in here to look you in the eye and say, hey, dew-kissed flower, what's up? Emily: No, but a weird guy with no boundaries might. Raj: Uh, okay, that's a separate issue. Let's put a pin in that and just focus on the passive thing. Emily: I'm leaving. Amy: Are we still going to go to that Chaucer reading Friday? Emily: You know, I think I'm just gonna go by myself. Raj: Not my best first date. Yeah, but not my worst, either. Scene: The airplane. Sheldon: I'm sorry for every mean thing I ever did or said to you. Howard: I'm sorry, too. It's all my fault. Sheldon: If you weren't my friend, there'd be a hole in my life. Howard: Thank you, Sheldon. Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big. Announcement: The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You're now free to move about the cabin. Howard: It's over. Sheldon: Yeah. Howard: Should we stop holding hands now? Sheldon: In a minute. Howard: Okay, good.

Penny informs the group she has turned down a role in the sequel to the bad horror movie she starred in - "Serial Apeist". Later, Penny's car breaks down leaving her no way to get to auditions, so she considers resuming her Cheesecake Factory job. Leonard surprises her with a new car, so she can further pursue her acting career. Sheldon insults Howard, and Bernadette wants to know why he always does so. Sheldon details a decade of pranks and abuse. Howard wants to be a better friend and invites Sheldon to a weekend at NASA in Houston where Howard has a speaking engagement and Sheldon can visit his mother later. On the flight, both are frightened by clear-air turbulence and each admits respecting the other as a friend without whom life would be empty. Raj asks Amy to reply to Emily who contacted his dating website. Raj thus appears too passive, turning her off. She and Amy have much in common and enjoy tea together until Raj shows up uninvited and interrupts them, putting off Emily and ruining any chance of friendship with either.

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[Scene: Near the park. Piper's car has broken down and she's talking to Phoebe on her phone.] Piper: Of course I know what a jack is, Phoebe. I just don't know how to use it. It's not like I've ever got a flat tyre before. I mean, this doesn't happen to me everyday. Phoebe: Piper, relax. I used to date a mechanic. I will walk you through it. Okay, you put the jack under the jeep and then you put the handle in the base and ratchet it up and down. Okay, it's very easy. Piper: Handle I don't think I've got a handle. Wait, there's a long wooden spoon in the back. [Cut to Phoebe and Prue. They're in Quake.] Phoebe: That's not gonna work. (to Prue) She's looking for a long wooden spoon. [Cut back to Piper. She finds the spoon.] Piper: Okay, okay. (She sticks it in the jack and the spoon breaks.) Oh! It didn't work. Phoebe: Okay, stay there and we'll come get you. Piper: No, I can do it, I can figure it out. Phoebe: Piper, you're stranded and you're all alone and the only thing you have to protect yourself with is a wooden spoon that's broken. Piper: And I have the power to freeze. I'm fine, it's better that mace. Okay, I gotta go before my battery dies. I gotta call the auto club. I'll meet you there in a little bit. Phoebe: Piper, wait. (Piper hangs up.) Hello? (to Prue) She is out of her mind. Prue: Alright, we'll give her 15 minutes, then call back. Phoebe: Okay. Prue: Okay. [Cut back to Piper. She's calling the auto club.] Operator: Directory assistance. What city please? Piper: San Francisco. Auto club please. (You see something lurking in the bushes.) [Cut back to Prue and Phoebe.] Phoebe: Now, back to what we were talking about. What do you think? Prue: Well, I think it's a good idea. Phoebe: Great. Prue: And I thing it's a bad idea. Phoebe: How? How's it a bad idea? You need extra help for the auction and I need a job. Prue: Well, not only are we family but we live together and I don't think that my wardrobe can take the assault of your daily needs. Phoebe: Okay, I'm great with phones, better with people and very computer friendly and with a pay cheque, I could purchase new clothes. So by hiring me, you'd actually be expanding your wardrobe not decreasing it. And I'd be eternally grateful. Prue: You really wanna work at Bucklands? Phoebe: When opportunity knocks, I answer the door. Prue: The job is very demanding. Auctions can be stressful. Phoebe: I love a challenge. Prue: They're pretty long hours. Phoebe: Overtime is my friend. Ooh, plus, I just thought of something else. With my premonitions, I might just be able to get you the straight dope without a trip to the office water cooler. Prue: Don't push it. Phoebe: Right. So, what do you think? Prue: Can you start tomorrow? Phoebe: Yes. Hey, can you give me a ride? [Cut back to Piper. Her phone is crackling.] Piper: Hello? Oh, great. (She looks around and sees a phone box.) No problem. For I bear the power of one. (She starts walking over to the phone. She hears some twigs break. She stops and looks around. She continues walking and hears leaves crunching. She stops again and looks around. She then sees a large, hairy creature in the bushes and she runs into the phone box. She starts dialing the phone. The creature starts hitting the phone box and Piper starts screaming. It knocks over the box and then she lays there waiting for something to happen and all of a sudden it puts its hand through the glass and scratches her on the arm. A guy with a flare gun appears and shoots it at the creature. It gets scared and runs back into the bushes. The guy runs over to Piper.) Guy: Everything's gonna be okay. Opening Credits [Scene: The hospital. Prue and Phoebe walk up to reception.] Phoebe: Uh, Piper Halliwell. (Andy's there.) Andy: Prue, Phoebe. Prue: Andy, thanks for calling us. Andy: Hey, she's like my sister too. She's in here. (They walk in a room. A doctor is putting a bandage on her arm.) Piper: Oh my God, that's a lot of blood. Prue: Hey, sweetie. Phoebe: Oh my God! Are you okay? Piper: Yeah, I'm fine. (to the doctor.) If I pass out and I need a transfusion, I'm AB negative. It's very rare, it could be a problem. Andy: Try not to look at it. Just so you know, I'm AB neg. too. Must have looked for the perfect donor. Prue: Um, so no stitches? Doctor: No. It's not that deep. Piper: Ow. Doctor: Follow up with your doctor in the morning though. Keep it dry, a little aspirin for the pain, you'll be fine. Piper: Easy for you to say. Doctor: You're all set. Just sign this. Prue: Oh, I got it. (Prue takes the forms.) Phoebe: Come here, baby. (Everyone leaves the room. Phoebe puts her arm around Piper and they walk out the room too.) I don't understand, why didn't you just freeze him? Piper: I was trapped in a phone booth. My power doesn't work outside the room I'm in remember. Phoebe: Oh, right. (Piper sees the guy that had the flare gun there.) Piper: Oh my God, Billy. Billy: How are you? Piper: Billy. This is Billy. He saved my life. Billy: Yeah, I'm just glad I got there in time. Andy: Yeah, I'd like to talk to you about that. Along with that flare gun you just happened to show up with. (Billy gets out a cigarette and goes to light it.) Prue: Oh! Oh! (She blows out the lighter.) I don't think that you can smoke in here. Billy: Oh, right. Look, it's no coincidence, I was there Inspector. I heard about the murder last night. The creature Andy: The creature? Billy: That's right. Piper: Creature absolutely. (Agent Fallon walks in.) Agent Fallon: Describe it. Billy, what are you doing here? Billy: Same thing you are. Hunting that thing. Andy: Piper, Prue, Phoebe Halliwell - Special Agent Fallon of the FBI. Phoebe: FBI. Cool. Piper: Describe it? Oh, okay, big, scary, strong. Kind of like a cross between a werewolf and Charles Manson. Fallon: Yellow eyes? Piper: Yes. Fallon: Talon-like hands? Piper: Uh huh. Fallon: Can I talk to you, Inspector? (Andy nods. They walk away from them.) Miss Halliwell is the first one to survive and attack. Andy: One like that poor guy we found last night with his heart ripped out of his chest. Fallon: Just like the killings in Chicago, New Orleans. Andy: Yeah, I've sent for the Coroner's reports. Fallon: Why? I think it's pretty obvious this case is out of your league, Inspector. On the bright side, you don't want it. Andy: Why is that? Fallon: This witness collaborates with every other statement. According to their descriptions, this ----- not animal or human. You didn't blink, I was expecting a response. Andy: Just tell me what I'm looking for. Fallon: You believe them? That it's not human? Andy: Let's just say that recent experiences have taught me to keep an open mind. [Cut back to Piper, Phoebe, Prue and Billy.] Phoebe: Hmm, cozy aren't they? Prue: Billy, how did you know to use a flare gun? Billy: It's afraid of fire. Prue: How'd you figure that out? Billy: When it attacked us, me and my fianc e, Laura, we were camping at Lake Michigan and I grabbed a log from the fire, it freaked and took off. But, um, not before it ripped Laura's heart out. It might as well taken mine too. I came here to kill it. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper's sitting at the table looking through the Book of Shadows. Prue's there as well.] Piper: If that thing last night wasn't demonic, I don't know what is. Prue: It's not your fight, Piper. Just let Andy and that FBI agent handle it, okay. Piper: Can't. That thing tried to kill me. Besides, I was meant to be involved in this, I know that. It's no coincidence I got that flat. (Oatmeal boils on the stove and Prue uses her power to turn the knob and it stops boiling. She walks over to it and puts some in a bowl. Phoebe walks in wearing a suit. She clears her throat.) Piper: Nice outfit. Prue: Very corporate. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I have to impress my new boss. Hey, how's the arm? Piper: Itches. Prue: Piper, you have got to the doctor. It could be infected. Piper: It's not. It's fine. Prue: Here. (She puts the bowl on the table.) Phoebe: Listen you, while we're at work whoa, head rush. While we're at work. Don't even think about going after that thing alone. Prue: Wait, there's no reason to go after it at all. The only innocent to protect here is Piper. Piper: I thought I was gonna die last night. I was totally helpless and all I could think about is I was never gonna see you guys again. And then suddenly out of nowhere comes Billy. Saved me. Protected me. That thing took away the person he loved and he's out there all alone trying to kill it. I can't just do nothing. Prue: Just don't do anything unless we're together okay. Promise? Piper: Okay. Prue: (to Phoebe) I'll meet you outside. Phoebe: I'll be right there. (Prue leaves.) Okay, I'm freaking, I'm freaking. Piper: Why are you freaking? Phoebe: Because I convinced Prue to hire me and what if I disappoint her or what if I screw up and make her look bad. There's a reason my resume is only three sentences long, Piper. Piper: Stop. You're one of the smartest people I know. I'm sure you'll do great. Phoebe: You really mean that? Piper: Yes I do. Phoebe: That makes me feel so much better. Thank you. (Phoebe leaves and Piper finds a page in the Book of Shadows about the creature. It's called a Wendigo.) Piper: Whoa. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Phoebe and Prue are in the store room looking at some auction items. Phoebe's holding a clip board.] Phoebe: Lot number 102. Estimated value $2500. What, it doesn't need light bulbs? Prue: It's a Stickley, an original. Phoebe: Oh, right, a Stickley. I still can't believe none of stuff belongs to anyone. Prue: Yeah, will, every year the city auctions off unclaimed probate items, asset seizures for revenue. Phoebe: What about the stuff that doesn't sell? Prue: It gets tossed. Um, what is Lot 103? Phoebe: 103, a gold bracelet. Estimated value $375. I will take that if no one wants it. Prue: No, but it's inscribed with the initials "T" and "L" Alright, that finishes the first grouping. I'm gonna go upstairs to Appraisals and make sure I didn't forget anything. Meet you back at my office? Phoebe: Your made morning coffee will be ready and waiting. I think this is really gonna work with you and me. Prue: Me too. (Prue walks towards the door. Phoebe picks up the gold bracelet and has a premonition of a car driving off a cliff. The bracelet falls out of the car.) Phoebe: Prue. Prue: Yeah? Phoebe: I just had a vision. Of the past. It was a terrible car accident and this bracelet Prue: What about it? Phoebe: It was thrown free. Oh, man, I bet I'm supposed to figure out who it belongs to. Prue: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not now. Phoebe: I can't help it. (Claire enters.) Claire: Prue, just want to make sure everything's in order for today's auction. Phoebe: Wait, the auction is today? Prue: Yes, Claire, everything is in order. Claire: Terrific. I'll see you later then. (She sees the bracelet.) Ooh. Ooh, nice. That should sell quickly. (She leaves.) Phoebe: What are we gonna do? [Scene: Quake. Piper and Billy are there.] Billy: It's called a what? Piper: A Wendigo. Apparently it looks like a normal person during the day but then it transforms at night. It survives on human hearts. Billy: What? Piper: According to my information, the first Wendigo was a mortal who betrayed by his lover, cut out her heart and ate it. As soon as he did, his own heart turned to ice and that's how he became this monster. Billy: So, what , it like it takes love from others. Is that it? Or then why did it go after you? Are you in love? Piper: No. Unfortunately, no. It must be attracted to something else. Billy: Like maybe beauty? (Piper gets embarrassed.) I'm sorry. It's just you remind me a lot about my fianc e. Piper: Um, anyway, from what I gather, it strikes during the three phases of the full moon. Which means it may try again tonight. Billy: That's what it did before, Amazing. You know I've been tracking this thing for two months and in one night you're a PHD. in Wendigo. Piper: Well, I've read more about it. Um, I should call Andy, I mean Inspector Truedeau and tell him this. Billy: No, Agent Fallon's better. She's been so great to me ever since Laura And she's already a believer. I'll tell her, okay. (Piper stands up.) Piper: Whoa. Dizzy. Billy: You okay? Piper: Must have stood up too fast. Will you call me after you see her please? Billy: Sure. Piper: I can help, Billy. I can't tell you exactly how or why, but I just want you to know I can. You're not in this alone. Billy: I know. (He leaves. The phone rings. Piper answers it.) Piper: Quake. Andy: Piper, it's Andy. Just checking in to see how you're doing. Piper: Oh, Andy, that's sweet. Um, I'm fine. I'm just a little tired. Andy: Yeah, well, you should be at home relaxing. Piper: I'm okay. Listen, Billy Waters just left. He's on his way to the Federal Building to see Agent Fallon. He has a theory on the attacks. Andy: I'll let her know. Rest up okay and stay out of dark, scary places for a while will ya. Piper: Okay. Andy: Take care. (They hang up.) [Cut to the Police Station. Agent Fallon is sitting at a desk behind Andy. Andy turns around.] Andy: Billy's on his way over to your office. Apparently he has some information on the attacks. Fallon: Really? I guess I better go. You seem pretty familiar with the witness. Andy: Piper? Yeah, I dated her sister. Fallon: Dated? Past tense? Andy: It's a long story. Why? Fallon: Just curious. Wouldn't want a love sick cop on my hands. Especially if that's what the creature was after. Andy: What makes you think it is? Fallon: You got a better explanation of why it rips the heart out of its victims? Andy: Maybe. I've just gone over the coroner's report from Chicago, New Orleans. It turns out all the victims were AB negative. Fallon: Chosen by blood type? That's a new one. Andy: And plus they're all killed in threes. The night before, the night after and the night of the full moon. Piper would have been the second. Fallon: Well, if you're right, that means the creature will try again tonight. Andy: I'm not all together convinced that it's quote on quote creature. The blood types, the full moon, the stolen hearts. It feels like ritual. And ritual is human. It could be just one sick mind behind these crimes. Fallon: Maybe we'll have a chance to confirm your theory tonight. You and me stake out at the park. Interested? Andy: I'll bring my flare gun. [Scene: Outside the Federal Building. Billy's there.] Fallon: Billy. Looking for me? Billy: Yeah, listed, I think I know what that creature is. Fallon: Really? Billy: Yeah, well, Piper was telling me about it. It's called a Wendigo and it feeds off Fallon: Whoa, hold on. Not here. The other agents already think I'm a little weird. Why don't I walk you to your car and we'll talk on the way. (They walk in the car park.) Billy: It's like this Wendigo and it attacks people in love. Or at least people with good hearts. It's sort of like and anti-cupid. Fallon: How does it know that about its victims? Billy: I don't know. Instinct? Maybe it just senses something. Look, I know it can take on human form. Maybe it stalks them first. Anyway, I know it's gonna attack tonight. I know it. Probably in the same park, just like the other cities. Fallon: Interesting. (Billy gets a cigarette and lighter out of his pocket.) Billy: Yeah, well, we gotta get there, stake it out, we wait for it to show up so then we can (He flicks the lighter on and Agent Fallon cowers.) kill it. Son of a bitch. (She grabs his head and breaks his neck. He falls to the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Buckland. In the hallway. Phoebe walks up to Prue.] Phoebe: Prue, check it out. I found out who's car went off the cliff. Franklin Bates. He worked for a big P.I. firm in San Jose. Prue: How did you do that? Phoebe: Easy. I recognized the road. Coast highway by Carmel. I also recognized the car. '65 Lincoln. My first boyfriend, Jimmy, used to drive one just like it, remember. Anyway, so, I got on the web and started snooping around. Which means that I tied up your phone line while you were at appraisals. Prue: Go on. Phoebe: I searched the Chronicles databases for all articles on car accidents in the area and voila, there it was. February, 1989. Um, unfortunately it took me a while to access it and I sort of forgot to tell you that Claire was looking for you. Prue: Phoebe! Phoebe: I'm sorry. But here's the best part. I called the P.I. firm he worked for, lied to them, told them I was Andy's partner and they told me what the initials on the bracelet stand for. (They walk in Prue's office.) The T is for Teri, the L is for Lane. Prue: Should I know the name? Phoebe: Teri Lane was a five year old girl kidnapped by her father. It was the case the detective was working on when he died. Prue: So Phoebe: So, I think that bracelet is proof that he found her and I think the mother never got it because he died which means she never found her daughter. We can't sell that bracelet, Prue. Not until we know for sure. Prue: So, how am I supposed to explain this to Claire? What, psychic providence? (Claire enters.) Claire: Psychic what? Prue: Claire, hi. Claire: I have been looking all over for this bracelet. What's it doing up here? (Claire takes it off Prue.) Prue: Um, I had it cleaned. Claire: Fine. I'll return it downstairs. I've already got two buyers interested. (She leaves.) Phoebe: We can not let her sell that bracelet, Prue. [Scene: Quake. Piper's standing near the bar, rubbing an ice cold drink on her forehead.] Woman: Piper? (Piper walks over to a man.) Man: Are you the manager? Piper: Yes. Man: Lawrence Beck. Health Department. This is a code inspection. I would like to start with the kitchen. (They walk in the kitchen.) Piper: The counters are scrubbed every fifteen minutes, the dishes are washed 150 Fahrenheit with anti-bacterial dergent-detergent. Lawrence: Are you ill? Piper: Uh, no, no. I just, um, I don't know. Fell free to look around, we have nothing to hide here at Quake. Lawrence: Thanks. (Piper walks over to the fridge and sticks her head in it. She gets some frozen meat and rests it on her forehead. Lawrence sees her.) Lawrence: Excuse me, what are you doing with that meat? Piper: Dying. (She gets out of the fridge.) Oh, uh, right. Chop that. (She hands it to a cook.) Lawrence: You're obviously sick. I think you'd better go home, Miss, before I shut this restaurant down. [Scene: The car park. Police are there where Billy was killed.] Fallon: Andy. Andy: What happened? Fallon: I don't know. I came here to meet him and found him there. Andy: How'd he die? Fallon: Coroner hasn't said, but it's definitely homicide. Although there's no mutilation, no other physical wounds. Doesn't fit our M.O. I suppose it could be random. Andy: Chases off a crazed killer last night and succumbs to a mugging today? I don't buy it. Fallon: Maybe the creature, or whatever it is, found out Billy had some information on it. Got to him before he could get to me. Andy: Yeah, he had been stalking it two months. It could be the killer who knew. Fallon: Still, if these are ritual murders as you suggest, all the steps have to be followed or the killer doesn't get his happy feeling. So why is the heart still intact? Andy: Two possibilities. He's not AB negative or it was trying to protect himself from being found out. Fallon: I'd go with that theory personally. Andy: Me too. Let's go talk to Piper. See if he told her what he wanted to tell you. Fallon: You read my mind, Inspector. [Scene: Bucklands. The auction has started.] Auctioneer: And I have $400. Now $500. $500, $550, $600. $650, at $650. $700 now. $750. Now say $800. $800, gentleman's bid at $800. Any more at $850. Sold $800. Number 143 for the caristan rug. And the next item is lot 102. A Stickley lamp and bidding will start at $2000. Now say 21, $2300, $2400, $2700. (Phoebe walks up to Prue.) Prue: Where have you been? The auction's already started. Phoebe: I think I found the little girl, Teri Lane. I think she's living in Oakland. Auctioneer: Sold $2900. Phoebe: I contacted the detectives old secretary. She helped me piece it together. She also told me that it was the little girls mother who hired him because the father had abducted Teri. Auctioneer: And next is lot 103, a gold charm bracelet and bidding will begin at $375. Phoebe: You've got to do something. That bracelet might be the only way to convince the mother we know where the little girl is. Prue: What am I supposed to do? (Phoebe squints her eyes to tell Prue to use her power.) Auctioneer: $375. Anyone at $375. (A lady goes to hold up her number but Prue uses her power and it flies out of her hand.) $375. Anyone at $375? (Every time someone holds up their number Prue uses her power to knock it out of their hand.) At $375. Anyone at $375. Phoebe: You go girl. Auctioneer: Very well. $300 then. Anyone at $300? $300 then. Last call at $300. Anyone at $300? Very well. We'll move on to lot 104. The pewter flagon. Phoebe: Thank you, thank you. Prue: You just better be right. [Scene: Manor. The doorbell rings. Piper answers it.] Piper: Hi Andy. Andy: Hi. Piper: What are you doing here? Andy: Just wanted to see how you're doing. Piper: I feel great. Andy: Where's your bandage? How'd your wound heal? (All of a sudden, Piper turns into a Wendigo and grabs Andy. Piper then wakes up. She's on the couch in the living room. She's sweating and she looks real sick. The doorbell rings. She walks into the foyer.) Piper: Who is it? Andy: It's Andy. Piper: Andy. Go away. Andy: Sorry? (She opens the door a little bit.) Piper: Go away. I've got the flu. Andy: It's okay, I had a flu shot. I gotta talk to you. It's about Billy. He's been killed. Piper: What? (She opens the door.) That's not possible, he should have been saved. It's not even night. Andy: It might not have been whoever attacked you. Piper: Who else could've it been? (Agent Fallon arrives.) Agent Fallon: Sorry, had to make a call. Are you okay? Piper: No, I don't feel so well. Andy: Maybe we should come back later. Agent Fallon: Just a few questions. We were wondering if you knew what exactly Billy was coming to tell me. Piper: Just that the creature is called a Wendigo and that it attacks during the full moon. Andy: Yeah, we know that. Piper: He also said that it looks like a normal person during the day. Agent Fallon: Really? That's new. Did he have any idea who it might be? Piper: No, I don't think so. Agent Fallon: Too bad. How's the arm? Piper: It's fine. Well, it hurts like hell. Agent Fallon: May I? (She looks at it.) You're the only one to survive the attacks. Hope you didn't get infected by it. If you think of anything, anything at all, call me directly. (She hands Piper her card and leaves.) Andy: Try and get some sleep. Piper: I will. (He leaves and she closes the door. She starts shaking. She takes the bandage off her arm and her arm is all hairy. She starts crying.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Harriet Lane's apartment. Her doorbell rings and she answers it.] Phoebe: Are you Harriet Lane? Harriet: Who are you? Phoebe: Oh, we've never met. I work in an auction house. Actually I just started today. My sister got me the job. Uh, well, wondering if you might recognize this. (Phoebe holds up the bracelet.) Harriet: I've never seen it before. Phoebe: Are you sure? (Harriet goes to close the door but Phoebe stops her.) Uh, hi. I don't mean to intrude and I know that this must be hard for you but I know that you recognize this bracelet. It was your daughter's wasn't it? Harriet: Why are you asking me all these questions? Why are you doing this to me? Phoebe: Your daughter, what's her name? Harriet: Teri. Teri Lane. Do you know where she is? (Phoebe takes Harriet out in the hallway and Prue is standing there with Teri.) Teri? Oh my goodness. Teri, Teri? Teri: Momma. Harriet: My baby. (They hug.) I never thought I'd see you again. Teri: It's okay, I'm home now. Harriet: Let me look at you. Prue: (to Phoebe) I guess that bracelet was worth more than I thought it was. Phoebe: Are you kidding? It's priceless. Thank God for my powers. Prue: It wasn't just your powers that did that, Pheebs. (Prue's phone rings.) Hello? Piper, you sound terrible. What's wrong? [Scene: The park. Andy and Agent Fallon are there.] Fallon: Sure hope Piper's gonna be okay. She didn't look very well. Andy: I know. Both Piper and the first victim were attacked by the far end of those trees. Fallon: Must have hidden in that stretch of woods waiting to attack. Wanna get a closer look? Andy: Absolutely. Fallon: You better turn your cell phone off too. Wouldn't want it to ring and scare it away. (They turn off their phones.) This is a nice spot. How'd you find this place? You and Piper's sister spend some time here? Andy: No. Prue runs more to the high brow. Fallon: Her loss. Andy: I take it you're not married? Fallon: Do you see a ring on my finger? I was engaged once. He was my world. Totally my world. Then one day, "boom", the empty dresser, the one word note "sorry". I started falling. I kept falling. Andy: Yeah, I know how that is. Fallon: No you don't. But I took steps. I did what I needed to make myself strong. To make it so no one could ever hurt me like that again. Andy: I'd love to know how you do that. Fallon: Maybe I'll show you if you're lucky. Now my life's a lot less complicated. All I'm interested in is s*x. Does that shock you? Andy: No. Just wondering where you were in college, that's all. [Scene: Manor. Phoebe and Prue walk in.] Prue: Piper? (They walk in the living room and Piper's sitting on the couch sweating and shaking.) Phoebe: Piper. Piper: I'm miserable. Phoebe: It's okay, honey, it's okay. Piper: No, no, it's not. (She pulls off the bandage and shows them her hairy arm.) Phoebe: Ohh! Prue. Prue: Oh, um, can you get up? Piper: Back off! What, you think I can't walk now? Phoebe: Honey, we're just trying to help you. Piper: Help me? You can't even hold a job. Prue: Okay, now wait a minute, Piper. Piper: Oh, save it. Do you always have to be in charge? I'm sorry. What's happening to me? Prue: It's alright. We're gonna take care of you. (Phoebe sees Agent Fallon's card on the table. She picks it up and has a premonition of Agent Fallon turning into a Wendigo.) Prue/Piper: What? Phoebe: I just saw who the Wendigo is. Agent Fallon. Piper: Her? I thought it had to be a him. Phoebe: I guess not. And even worse, I saw her and Andy at the park at night, alone. Prue: Okay, I'm gonna call him and warn him. You go upstairs to the Book of Shadows and see if you can find a way for us to help Piper. Phoebe: Okay. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe and Piper are looking through the Book of Shadows.] Piper: Nothing. It's just the same old crap I've already seen. (Prue enters.) Prue: I tried Andy's cell phone. No answer. Phoebe: We can't find anything about the Wendigo thing. Prue: Well, there's got to be something. (Prue looks at the bottom of the page.) "C.F. Desiderata" Phoebe: Yeah, like we're supposed to know what that means. Prue: It means con fir desiderata. It's Latin for look up things that are yearned for. Piper: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so very smart. Prue: Piper. Piper: Don't Piper me, just shut up. Prue: No, you are going to listen to me. This is not you. Alright, it's the blood of the Wendigo and you have to fight it. Piper: It's so strong. Prue: You're stronger. Phoebe: Fight it Piper. Piper: I'm okay. Prue: Alright, things that are yearned for. Wisdom, balance, unbecoming. That's got to be it. (She turns to another page in the book.) Alright, unbecoming a Wendigo. So we have to kill the Wendigo that slashed you by melting its heart of ice. Piper: What if you can't find her? Phoebe: We'll find her. She's gonna be in the park tonight. Piper: What if you're wrong? What if you don't? Then you'll have to... then you'll have to kill me. Prue: Don't be ridiculous, Piper, we're not gonna kill you. Phoebe: We're gonna kill the thing that did this to you. Prue: But we might have to confine you until we get back. So, tie you down, I guess. Piper: No, go to hell! Prue: (to Phoebe) Do we have any chains? Phoebe: I actually do think I have something. Prue: Okay. (Phoebe walks out of the attic.) Are you back? Piper: I don't want this to happen to me, Prue. Kill Ashley. This is me talking. (Phoebe enters. She holds up a pair of handcuffs.) Phoebe: Here. Prue: Where did you get those? Never mind. Piper: Let's just do this. (They handcuff Piper to a pipe and she sits on a chair.) Phoebe: We still need to take a trip to the Army-Navy store. Prue: Why? Phoebe: To get a flare gun. Piper: Screw you bitch! Phoebe: Okay, I think we need to hurry. Prue: Uh, yeah, just hang in there, Piper. [Scene: The park. Andy and Ashley are there.] Ashley: What's the matter? Andy: I was just thinking that I'm probably not the best cop to be on the stake out with, seeing I'm AB negative. Ashley: Don't worry. I'll protect you. [Cut back to the attic. Piper's sweating. She screams and her eyes turn yellow. She then turns into a Wendigo. All her clothes rip off. She breaks the pipe and handcuffs.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The park. It's night time.] Ashley: Andy, doing okay? Andy: A little on edge. (You see Ashley's hand turn into a Wendigo hand.) Ashley: Instinct of the hunt. That's why you're here. That's why you're a cop. Andy: Does this turn you on or something, Agent Fallon? Ashley: Or something. Andy: Look, you are a gorgeous woman but we're on this job together. Let's just ---------. Ashley: Let's not. (She turns into a Wendigo. Andy gets out his gun and tries to shoot at her. She hits him across the head.) [Cut to Prue and Phoebe. They pull up in Prue's car. They get out.] Phoebe: Okay, if the moon is over there, we should go that way. Prue: I don't see Andy's car. Phoebe: Don't worry, we'll find him. Prue: Alright, let's hurry. [Cut to Andy and the Wendigo. Andy's unconscious on the ground. The Wendigo rips open his shirt and cuts him down the chest with its fingernail. It hears Prue's voice.] Prue: Andy? Andy? (It runs away.) Phoebe: This is definitely the place. I recognize it from my premonition. (The Wendigo growls and starts running towards them.) Prue: Oh, God. (She gets out the flare gun, shoots and misses it. It scares the Wendigo and it runs away.) Okay, give me another one. Phoebe: If that didn't get Andy to come out, he's dead already. Prue: He's dead when we find a body, not before. (Prue loads the flare gun again. The Wendigo runs towards them again. Prue fires the flare gun and scares the Wendigo.) Okay, how many more do we have? Phoebe: Two. Prue: Two? Phoebe: That's all they had. Wait, I think that's him. (They see Andy on the ground. They run over to him.) Prue: Oh God. Alright, he's alive but she's slashed him. Phoebe: He still has his heart? Prue: Yeah, we must've driven her off just in time. (The Wendigo growls and appears behind them. They turn around and Prue fires the flare gun. It runs away.) Phoebe: Last one. My turn. This time we don't fire until I see slobber on its face. Prue: Okay, uh, it's over there. Phoebe: No, wait, I think it's over here. Prue: No, no, it's right here. (Two Wendigo's start running towards them.) Phoebe: Wait, how can it be in two places at once? Prue: It can't. One of them is Piper. Shoot. Phoebe: I can't, Prue. Prue: Just shoot and pray you hit the right one. (Phoebe shoots at a Wendigo and the flame and the other Wendigo freezes.) Phoebe: Piper froze it. Do something. (Prue uses her power and moves the flare and it hits the other Wendigo in the heart. It burns and disappears. Piper turns back into a person and she realizes she's naked, so she hides behind a tree.) Are you okay? Piper: I think so. But I'm naked and freezing. (Andy's wound heals. Prue runs over to him.) Prue: Andy. (Andy wakes up.) Hey, are you okay? Andy: What happened? Prue, what are you doing here? Where's the Wendigo? (He tries to get up.) Prue: She's gone. Easy. Lie back down. Just lay back down. It's alright. I'll explain everything later. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Quake. Phoebe and Prue are sitting at a table. Piper brings them some drinks.] Piper: On the house for saving my hide. Phoebe: Literally, you Wendigo, you. (Piper sits down.) Prue: Are you okay to work? Piper: Yeah, I'm fine. It's like nothing ever happened. Except for Billy. Prue: No, well, there was no way that you could've known about Agent Fallon. Piper: I know. It's just I'm not used to losing an innocent we're supposed to protect. Phoebe: He wanted to help stop her so she couldn't hurt anybody else and that's exactly what he did. Prue: I'm just grateful that you're safe. Piper: And Andy. By the way, what did you tell him about why we were all there. Prue: I told him the truth. Phoebe: Get out. Prue: I did. I said what he saw happened was true, that Agent Fallon really was the Wendigo and that had we not vanquished her, that both he and Piper would've been killed. I couldn't think of anything else to say. Piper: Well, what did he say? Prue: Not much. He was either too stunned to speak or he actually believed me on some level. This was as close that we've ever come to having an honest conversation. Phoebe: So maybe Andy's more open to you being a witch than you think. Prue: Hmm. Alright, back to work. Phoebe: Actually, I need to talk to you about something and please don't be mad but I quit. Prue: What? Phoebe: It's not that I don't appreciate the opportunity because I do. It's just that every time touch something at Bucklands I risk having a premonition and it's just too emotional for me. Besides that's your world. I need to find one of my own. Prue: You will. Piper: Just stay out of my world or I'll kill you. (Prue and Phoebe look worried and confused. Piper gets up and starts to walk away. She turns around.) Kidding! It's just a joke (She walks away.) Prue: Ooh!

When Piper's car breaks down, she is attacked by a vicious werewolf-like beast that they later find out is called a Wendigo . Piper is saved by a man named Billy, but she starts to turn into a Wendigo since she was scratched by the one that attacked her. The Wendigo turns out to be FBI agent Ashley Fallon, who had apparently been tracking the beast. Fallon kills Billy and tries to kill Andy, but Prue and Phoebe go after her with a flare gun as fire is the Wendigo's weakness. Piper shows up as well and they nearly accidentally vanquish her instead, but she freezes the flare and Prue sends it into Fallon, killing her and curing Piper.

fd_The_L_Word_01x09

fd_The_L_Word_01x09_0

EXT. - A HOUSE - BALCONY - NIGHT [title card: Lisbon, Portugal - Present Day] [Latin guitar music plays. The camera pans up the ornate iron railing of a balcony on a house. In the window, we can see what looks to be a man posing as Jesus, hands outstretched and upturned, with a light glowing on the wall behind his head. Three older men with beards stand around him in period costume. They all stand absolutely still as if they're posed for a painting.] [A woman, Isabella Pernao, enters. The camera's view of the scene is obscured as it moves to another window. When we see the scene again, Isabella isn't there.] INT. - A HOUSE - NIGHT [The camera starts to pull away. Isabella is revealed to be naked, kneeling on a table in front of the man dressed as Jesus, rocking back and forth as if having s*x with him, with no pleasure evident in her features. The man dressed as Jesus doesn't move or react to her; Isabella stares straight ahead with an empty look upon her face.] [The camera zooms out to reveal a video camera on a tripod, filming the entire scenario.] [main title] INT. - ALICE'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY [Alice and Lisa are in bed. Lisa has his arm and leg over Alice. She tries to get up. He awakens.] Lisa: Mm. Where you going? Alice: I would like to go to the bathroom. Lisa: So, are you coming back? [Lisa kisses Alice's forehead.] Alice: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. [Alice gets up. Lisa snuggles into her pillow.] Lisa: Hurry back, lover. [Alice walks down the hallway.] Alice: (to herself) What a lez! INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY [Bette is at the counter making some juice. Tina walks in the back door.] Tina: Babe, I thought you were supposed to be gone. Bette: No, I've got 5 minutes. Tina: Well, do you mind moving your car, because the guys are here with the tank and they can't get through. Bette: (turns around) What tank? [Tina walks outside. Bette walks into the livingroom to look out the window.] Tina: (to guys with tank) It's okay, she's gonna move it. [Bette looks outside. There are a couple of guys in the driveway with a huge, round, wooden tank. Tina looks up at Bette in the window.] Tina: (to Bette) You gonna move it, or what? Bette: (smiling) Is that one of those birthing tanks? Tina: Yeah. Bette: Well, since when did we agree to have the baby in water? Tina: Since I decided to give birth that way. I didn't wanna bother you with it. Bette: (smiling) It's six months away, I don't understand why you're buying this now. Tina: Because, I got a good deal on it. It would have been more to rent it. Bette: And what is Doctor Wilson saying about this? Tina: She thinks it's great. Bette: So, you've talked to her about it, but not to me? Tina: Baby. Please, move your car. EXT. - KIT'S APARTMENT - DAY [A palm tree-lined street. Muffled hip hop music is heard coming out of a sleek, black stretch limo belonging to rapper Slim Daddy. A man opens the door for Kit to get in.] Kit: Yo, whassup! INT. - SLIM DADDY'S LIMO - DAY [Hip hop music plays. Kit gets in the limo and sits next to Slim Daddy. A few other guys are sitting in the back of the expansive automobile. One of them holds a tray of fruit smoothies. ] Kit: Hi, Slim Daddy. Slim: Hey, how you doing today? Kit: Pretty good, yeah. You know, I really wanna thank you for giving me a ride to the studio. Slim: sh1t, why wouldn't I wanna ride with a beautiful woman like you? [Kit blushes.] Smoothie Guy: Uh, Miss Porter. Do you want a smoothie? Kit: Uh... yeah. What's in them? Smoothie Guy: Fruit. Slim: Tell her what kind we got. Smoothie Guy: We got strawberry, orange, some berry-type thing, and, uh... peanut butter. [Kit scrunches her nose.] Smoothie Guy: Y'know, just in case. Kit: I will take, uh, the strawberry. [Smoothie Guy hands the strawberry smoothie to Slim Daddy. Kit is about to take it, but he instead holds it for her to take a sip. She does. The other guys smile.] Slim: You like that? Kit: Yeah, it's good. But I think I'd like it better if I could, um, drink it myself. [Smoothie Guy laughs. Slim Daddy hands her the drink.] Slim: (to Smoothie Guy) You drinking the peanut butter one. [Smoothie Guy shuts up. The other guys laugh at him.] EXT. - DANA'S HOUSE - DAY [Great big, expensive house in the hills, surrounded by palm trees.] INT. - DANA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY [Dana is in bed. She's petting her cat, Mr. Piddles. He purrs like a motor. She kisses his head.] Dana: Mr. Piddles? There's something important I have to tell you. [Mr. Piddles purrs. Dana scratches his ear.] Dana: Do you remember Lara? You remember how... how she used to come over all the time and... stay over sometimes and... we'd move around a lot and... together? Mr. Piddles, Lara's gay. [Mr. Piddles stops purring. Dana looks at him.] Dana: So am I. You still love me? [Mr. Piddles purrs.] Dana: Oh, you're the best cat in the world, Mr. P. [Dana is startled when she hears her front door open and close.] Dana: (to Mr. Piddles) Shhh. [Whoever it is sets their keys down on the table in the other room, then a door creaks. Dana leans back, looking a bit worried, and grabs the covers. Alice walks into her bedroom.] Dana: What are you doing here?! [Alice plops down on the edge of the bed.] Alice: (sighs) I've come... to get you out of bed. [Dana knits her brow at her.] Alice: C'mon. Let's go. I've had enough of this. C'mon. [Alice throws the covers back. Mr. Piddles meows and runs into the other room.] Alice: Oh sh1t - sorry. Mr. Piddles. (to Dana) Okay. C'mon. [Alice physically moves Dana's legs over the side of the bed. Dana grumbles.] Alice: Some of us have it worse, you know, Dana. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Okay? C'mon. [Alice walks into the other room. Dana raises her brows at her.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - DAY [Bette is in the conference room, watching the Jesus video from the beginning of the episode. James sits at her side.] Bette: (whispering) Look at her face.... She's searching for a feeling. It's like she's longing for faith. She'd do anything to get it. To feel it. (smiling) I love this work. James: It is really cool. [The man posing as Jesus in the film falls forward onto the woman, Isabella, as if in orgasm.] [A flower delivery guy walks in carrying a big bouquet of flowers in a vase. He's distracted by the film.] James: Can I help you? Flower Guy: Uh. (looks at receipt) Uh, Bette Porter. Bette: I'm Bette Porter. Flower Guy: These are for you. [James sets the flowers on the table.] James: There's no card. Who are these from? Flower Guy: Um... (looks at receipt) It, uh, doesn't say. James: (to Bette) Tina? Bette: No. Tina's into practical gift-giving. [Flower Guy looks at the film.] Flower Guy: Is that supposed to be art? [James signs the Flower Guy's receipt.] Bette: (smiling) It's not supposed to be. It is. [Flower Guy doesn't look convinced.] Flower Guy: I guess Hustler and Penthouse may put out some pretty good art, too. [Flower Guy leaves. James looks at Bette, laughing.] Bette: Can you make sure he leaves the building? James: Yeah. [Bette looks back at the film. Isabella sits alone now, weeping into her hands.] EXT. - THE PLANET - DAY [People are outside enjoying the sunshine.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Alice and Dana are sitting together. Alice pushes a drink towards Dana. Dana just wants to slump in her chair and mope.] Alice: What is gonna cheer you up? [Dana rolls her eyes and slowly leans up out of her slump. She takes a sip of the drink. Alice grabs her cellphone and dials someone.] Alice: (phone) Hello? Uh, hello, yeah. I was wondering if your refrigerator is running. oh, it is? [Alice hands the phone to Dana.] Alice: Go. They said "yeah." C'mon. [Dana puts the phone to her ear.] Dana: (phone) Well, then, you better catch it! [They both laugh.] Dana: (phone) Mom? [Alice stops smiling. Dana hangs up the phone and throws it at Alice. Alice sets it on the table.] Alice: You have got to talk to this woman, and I mean it. Dana: Why? Alice: Because you don't know if she's coming around - [The phone rings. Alice hands it to Dana.] Alice: Okay. It's her. Let's go. Dana: No! [Alice answers it.] Alice: (phone) Hello? Yes. Okay. Ye - I - I know, it wasn't funny. Yeah. She is. [Alice hands the phone to Dana. Dana reluctantly takes it.] Alice: She wants to talk. Dana: (sighs) (phone) Hello? (listening) Yeah. Yeah, I know. But, mom, I'm not! I - (listening) O - Okay. O - fine, fine. Bye. [Dana hangs up.] Alice: Well? Dana: It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even mention it. Alice: That's good. She's accepting it through denial. Dana: She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son! Alice: At least it's not shock therapy. Dana: What?! INTERSTITIAL - THE STREETS OF L.A. [Busy commercial district streets in near the mountains.] EXT. - LATHER - DAY [Shane is leaving. John catches her in the door.] John: Uh, what are you doing? (to customer) Hello. Shane: I'm getting coffee. John: No, you are not. Cherie Jaffe is your six o'clock and she's not gonna wait for you. INT. - LATHER - DAY John: Be nice. [Shane still stands in the doorway. A woman, Cherie's assistant, gets out of a white SUV and comes inside, to the front counter.] Assistant: Hi. Receptionist: Hi. Assistant: Uh, I'm looking for a Shane McCutcheon. [Receptionist nods over at Shane. Shane steps over.] Shane: I'm Shane. [The assistant unfolds a big folder on the counter.] Assistant: Okay, um... these are Mrs. Jaffe's records, treatments her hair has undergone in the last 5 years, uh, a list of preferred products to be used on her hair, and ones that you must, under no circumstances, use. [Shane nods.] Assistant: If you've read and understand the information, you can just sign right here. [The woman places an "X" on a form for Shane to sign. Shane signs it.] Shane: It's no problem. Assistant: Thank you. Shane: Allright. [Cherie Jaffe walks in. She's a little hurried and looks completely disinterested.] Assistant: (whispering to Cherie) That's Shane. Cherie: Sorry, what? Assistant: That's Shane. Cherie: Great. Shane: Hi. Cherie: (nodding) Hello. INT. - PARAMOUNT PICTURES LOT - STUDIO - DAY [A bunch of dancers are practicing a routine set to Kit's song. Bette stands off to the side in the shadows, smiling. Kit looks a bit out of sorts and can't seem to keep up with the dancers. The choreographer counts off and the group dances, but Kit keeps lagging behind.] Choreographer: And 5, 6, 7, 8. (dancing) And one, two, three, four, and five, six, seven, eight! [Bette watches and smiles proudly.] Choreographer: (dancing) One, two, three, four, right here. [Kit tries to keep up with the others.] Choreographer: (dancing) One, five, six, seven eight. (stops) Okay, let's try one more time. Let's get back to formation. [Slim Daddy and his crew approach Bette. The dance routine starts again, and the choreographer starts to count off again as the group begins to move to the music. Kit tries to keep up, but isn't quite hitting their rhythm.] Slim: You a fan, or are you just watching? Bette: (smiling) Oh, hello. I'm - I'm waiting for my sister, Kit Porter. Slim: Kit's sister? Bette: Her half-sister. Slim: Hm. Beautiful half, I'm supposing. Bette: Mmm, more like the gay half. Slim: Is that so? Bette: Mm-hmm. Slim: Mm. That's sexy. Very sexy. [Bette laughs. The dancers start to file out of the rehearsal area, past Bette and Slim Daddy.] Slim: Hey, man, what's the matter with ya'll people, we torturing ya'll or somethin'? 'Cause I got a gang of people that'll love to be in this position that ya'll in. Ya'll need to fix ya'll faces up in here. [Kit walks up to them. Bette smiles. Slim Daddy puts his arm around Kit.] Slim: There you go, my girl, you having fun, yet, baby? Kit: Ah, oh. (chuckles) Yeah. If that's what you wanna call it. [Bette hugs Kit.] Kit: (in Bette's shoulder) Ahh, this m*therf*cker's trying to kill me! You know I can't dance unless I drink. [Slim Daddy stands back and watches the two women embracing each other.] Slim: Yeah, that's what I like to see. Just like that. (to Kit) You know, me and your sister, we had a little talk. She's a very interesting lady. Kit: Did she tell you that she was into women? Slim: Yeah. That's one of the things we have in common. Matter of fact, where your girlfriends at right now? Bette: We don't usually travel in packs. Slim: It'd be nice if you have them come by here tomorrow. You know. Bring some excitement to this here video. Kit: (chuckling) Wait a minute, for me or you? Slim: sh1t, I figure we could share. [Smoothie Guy walks up to Slim.] Smoothie Guy: Yo, Slim, the dancers he brought ain't nothin', man, let me tell you what I got. [Slim walks off with Smoothie Guy. Bette smiles at Kit.] Bette: (smiling) He certainly lives up to his reputation. Kit: Which one? Bette: He's such a flirt! Kit: He's a playa! (laughs) And I'm telling you, he plays with everybody. Bette: Believe me, I didn't think it was because I was special or anything. Kit: Aw... you are special, you're my sister! [They leave together.] INT. - LATHER - DAY [Cherie Jaffe is sitting in the hairdressing chair. Shane stands behind her, tousling her hair to get an idea of how to style it. Cherie's assistant sits a few feet behind them, writing in her planner.] Cherie: (to assistant) And also, will you call Gwynnie and get three tickets to Coldplay for Clea? But don't tell her, allright? Because I wanna see if she keeps this job. I'm not about to reward her if she quits. Assistant: Okay. Cherie: I think that's it. Why don't you go to Neiman's and pick up my Manolos, I think Lonnie's holding them for me. Assistant: Neiman's? Cherie: Yes, Neiman's? Assistant: Okay. Cherie: Bye. [The assistant leaves. Shane turns Cherie's chair around and looks her right in the eye.] Shane: Tell me what you want. Cherie: I want so many things. But in terms of what you can do for me? I want a change. I want something new. Shane: (nodding) Excellent. [Shane turns the chair back around to face the mirror. She messes with Cherie's hair a bit more, checking the length and running her fingers through the sides.] Shane: Yeah... I know what to do. (a beat) (fingers Cherie's shirt) Just, take this off. (a beat) And there's some smocks in the back. [Cherie gets up.] EXT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [It's dinner night and Jenny has arrived. Marina lets her into the house.] Francesca: (voice over) D'ya like it? INT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Jenny sits on the couch in the livingroom, holding a champagne glass. Soft music plays in the background. Marina mills around in the kitchen several feet away.] Jenny: (smiling) Yes. Francesca: It's Prosecco. (pouring) In northern Italy, they serve it on tap. Jenny: Thanks. Francesca: It's lovely, isn't it? Jenny: (drinking) Mm-hmm. [Francesca sets the bottle down and kneels next to the CD player.] Francesca: I like to start with something bubbly. But I find champagne can be too full of expectation. I like to keep things simple. [Francesca puts another CD in the CD player. Jenny glances over at Marina, in the kitchen. Marina smiles at her.] INT. - LATHER - DAY [Cherie's in the chair. Her hair is pinned up. Shane is combing through and curling it.] Cherie: So how did you meet Harry? Shane: Through a friend. Cherie: I have to say... when he told me I should come see you, I thought he was full of sh1t. [They both smile.] Cherie: As usual. But then Ellie Zimmer walked into the LACMA benefit two weeks ago, and I almost didn't recognize her. I mean, that woman has not looked good in 12 years. There she was, looking stunning. [Shane chuckles.] Cherie: You did an amazing job. Shane: Thank you. [Cherie sips on a glass of wine.] Cherie: So, how did you get Harry to fall in love with you? Shane: (laughing) Well, I didn't sleep with him. [Cherie smiles and nods.] INT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Francesca, Marina and Jenny sit at the dinner table, finishing up their meal.] Jenny: "The Gift of the Magi" is one of the most perfect stories that's ever been written. Francesca: Talk about economy of language. If it's a success, then it'll travel to New York, then L.A. And it should, because there was extraordinary people involved. Marina: (chuckling) Are you referring to yourself? Francesca: (chuckling) (to Marina) And a few others. Marina: So says the prima ballerina. Francesca: She was pretty terrific. [Jenny looks very withdrawn and uncomfortable.] Marina: (to Jenny) Francesca, uh, was a big fan of the prima ballerina. Francesca: I had s*x with her, and now Marina's pretending to be jealous. [Jenny, more withdrawn and uncomfortable by the second.] Marina: It's just the way it happened. There's this woman who was getting a costume fitting, and Francesca proceeded to seduce her. (to Francesca) Which I think is a bit unethical. Jenny: You do? Francesca: Do you find that hard to believe? Jenny: Yeah. Ethical isn't really the first word that comes to mind when I think of Marina. [Marina looks stung.] Francesca: You sound angry. Jenny: (picking at food on plate) No. Francesca: Well, she's beautiful. And that compensates for a multitude of sins. (to Marina) Doesn't it? C'mon! It's a compliment to be the topic of conversation. Isn't that right, Jenny? INT. - LATHER - NIGHT [Dance music plays. Cherie's hair is done and she's on the phone with Harry, preparing to leave. Shane puts on some finishing touches.] Cherie: (phone) (smiling) Harry? You asshole. I'm calling you to say thank you for begging me to go to Shane. (puts phone at Shane's ear) (to Shane) Say hello Harry. Shane: (phone) Hello, Harry. Cherie: (phone) (to Harry) Uh-huh! (laughs) No. Oh, she's amazing! She's a genius! [Cherie kisses Shane on the cheek.] Cherie: (phone) (walking away) Yeah. First of all, for giving me a great haircut, and second of all, for not sleeping with you! So call me when you get out of your K hole, okay? [Cherie heads downstairs to pay her bill. Shane leans over the balcony, watching.] John: Thank you, Mrs. Jaffe. [Cherie hands something to John.] Cherie: Give that to Shane? John: Sure! Cherie: I love my hair. John: Gorgeous. [John walks around the counter to open the shop door to let her out.] John: After you. See you again. [Cherie leaves.] John: Shane? Shane: What? John: Mrs. Jaffe left this for you. Shane: (smiling) Cool. John: 200 bucks. Nice work. Don't forget to sweep up. [Shane huffs.] INT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT [Dinner's over. Francesca walks upstairs. Jenny and Marina are in the kitchen, cleaning up. Jenny stands by the dishwasher with some dishes.] Marina: Don't do that. I want you to know how difficult it's been to get you out of my mind. Jenny: Why are you saying that? Marina: Because you're acting like you're the only one with feelings. Jenny: Well, that's because you act so cold, it's really hard to know that you have any. Marina: If you're so angry, why did you accept this invitation? Jenny: Because I wanted to know why someone would work so hard to make someone fall in love with them and they really don't give a f*ck. Marina: (hurt) Work so hard. Ah, great. That's a great assessment on who I am. [Marina tries to storm off, but Jenny forcibly grabs her arm and brings her back around.] Jenny: Well, you tell me who you are! Marina: You keep asking me that! Obviously you're not paying attention! (a beat) You know what's so sad? (a beat) It's that you don't know how much you mean to me that's - [Jenny grabs Marina and kisses her. Marina starts to reciprocate when Francesca comes back.] Francesca: I thought it was a little quiet down here. [Jenny breaks the kiss and backs away, embarrassed.] Jenny: Sorry. Marina: It's okay. [Francesca, upset, approaches them.] Francesca: Is it? [Marina stares at Francesca. Francesca sighs at Jenny.] Francesca: The thing about Marina is that when she focuses on you, you feel like you're the only one that exists. [Marina looks down.] Francesca: It's her gift. I don't blame you for falling in love with her. (to Marina) But maybe you use your gift a little too freely. [Francesca walks past Marina to a bottle of wine sitting on the kitchen counter.] Francesca: What's this? Marina: That's the wine Jenny brought. [Francesca puts the bottle down and turns to the other counter and gets another bottle.] Francesca: Guess I'll open this then. (opening bottle) So, Jenny. Tell me about the story you've been writing. The one about the demons. Marina says it's really quite good. [Marina glares at Francesca; Jenny glares at Marina.] Francesca: Is it finished? Jenny: So, this is what the two of you do. [Francesca uncorks the bottle.] Jenny: You go and you make these little conquests. And then you go home, and you compare notes. [Francesca pours herself a glass.] Jenny: You try to make each other jealous in order to find the other desirable. Francesca: I wouldn't be so self-righteous. You're not exactly an innocent bystander. [Marina stares at the floor. Jenny slowly picks up her bottle of wine and leaves. Francesca passes Marina on the way to see Jenny out.] Francesca: Classy. [Marina rolls her eyes and sighs.] INT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Jenny stands in the livingroom. Francesca brings her her jacket and purse.] Francesca: I'm sorry the evening turned out like this. But there's something you have to understand. When I go away, Marina can do whatever she wants. As can I. But when I come back, I want my home the way I've left it. I hope that isn't too much to ask. [Francesca hands Jenny her purse and jacket.] Jenny: Thank you. [Jenny leaves. Francesca turns back to look at Marina. Marina is still brooding in the kitchen.] EXT. - MARINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Jenny turns around the throws the wine bottle at a window. The bottle shatters against it. Jenny walks away. Marina runs to the window and looks out.] INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Tim sits in this livingroom, watching an old Kung Fu movie on TV. Jenny comes in the back door and heads toward the bathroom with stuff to shower.] Jenny: Hi. Tim: Hi. [Jenny walks to the bathroom.] Tim: Jen. Jenny: (stops) Mm-hmm? Tim: Feel like watching a really bad Kung Fu movie? [After a moment, Jenny nods.] Jenny: Yeah. [Jenny walks around to the couch.] Tim: It's pretty stupid. Kinda what I'm in the mood for, though. Jenny: No, stupid is good. [Jenny sits down, leaving space between herself and Tim.] [They watch the movie. They look at each other, then look away. Tim tosses the pillow he was holding and raises his arm for Jenny to curl up next to him.] Tim: C'mere. C'mon. [Jenny scoots over next to him. He continues to watch the movie. She looks at him, tears in her eys.] Jenny: (whispering) I love you so much. [He looks at her. She's about to cry. She lays her head on his chest. Tim puts his face on her hand; she looks up, and they kiss. The kissing gets desperate. Tim picks Jenny up and heads to the bedroom.] INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT [Tim and Jenny have s*x on the dresser, then the bed. They suddenly stop kissing and stare at each other for several seconds, then resume.] INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY [Bette and Tina are lying in bed next to each other, staring at the ceiling. They both look a little distant.] Tina: Are you mad that I made a decision? [Bette looks at Tina.] Bette: No. I... I ju - (sighs) I just feel a little left out. [Bette looks away. Tina looks at Bette and sighs, then looks back up at the ceiling.] Tina: I, uh... get this feeling from you that you're so proud to be with me. [Bette rolls over toward Tina and smiles. She puts her hand on Tina's belly. Tina continues to stare up at the ceiling.] Tina: And it makes me feel really safe... and... loved. It's great. [Bette smiles warmly at her. Tina doesn't seem happy, though.] Tina: But lately, I... haven't been feeling it. [Bette pulls her hand away and rolls onto her back again.] Tina: So, I've just been, uh... trying to concentrate on myself, and, uh... been trying not to get scared about it. [After a moment, Bette looks at Tina, nonplussed.] INT. - TIM'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY [Tim and Jenny lay in bed. Jenny is just waking up, but Tim looks to have been awake, thinking.] Jenny: Hi. Morning. Tim: Morning. Jenny: I love being here with you. [Tim smiles a little. Jenny rubs his hand.] Jenny: Can I tell you something? [Tim looks at her.] Jenny: It's over. Between Marina and me. I went over to her and her girlfriend's house last night. I have never met anybody like that in my life before. It's all about their own egos, and they don't care who they hurt, and they just draw you into this web for some kind of... a sport. [Tim stares into the distance, looking a little lost and hurt.] Jenny: I'm not gonna see her ever again. I threw a bottle of wine at their house. [Tim takes a deep breath, nods to himself, and gets up out of bed.] Jenny: What are you doing? Tim: I took a... giant f*cking step backwards. [Jenny sits up.] Tim: I don't wanna be back together with you, Jenny. I mean, I - I don't know who you are. I mean, you just... you start talking about Marina and her girlfriend and... how phony and manipulative they are and all I can't think is that's you! That's who you've become. It's like... you've done this thing, and... you can't wash it off. [Jenny looks stumped.] Tim: It's in you. (two beats) I... I don't want it in me. [Jenny's eyes widen a little, hurt. Tim slowly walks off.] Jenny: (whispering) f*ck you, Tim. I am not apologizing anymore. EXT. - PARAMOUNT PICTURES LOT - DAY [The entrance to the Paramount lot. A guy in a golf cart drives by.] EXT. - PARAMOUNT PICTURES LOT - SECURITY GATE - DAY [The security guards are checking people through the gates. Bette and Tina, with Shane, Alice and Dana in the backseat, pull up. Alice's cell phone starts ringing.] Shane: Are you gonna answer that? Alice: No. Dana: It's Lisa. Tina: Here. Lemme see it. Bette: Guys, I need I.D.s. Dana: Right. [Everyone starts getting their I.D. out. Tina answers the phone.] Tina: (phone) Hello? No, she stepped away from the phone for just a minute. [Bette pulls up to the security booth and stops.] Tina: (phone) Heh. Okay, wow. Allright, uh, hold on a second. (hands phone to Alice) Okay, here. He says he can hear you breathing. [A security officer approaches the car.] Guard: I.D.s? Alice: (phone) Yes. Bette: (hands I.D.s) Here you go. Tina: We're here to see Kit Porter. [Slim Daddy's limo pulls up behind Bette's car. Muffled rap music can be heard.] Guard: Okay. Alice: (phone) I don't know. Let me ask the car. (to everyone) Do you guys feel, subconsciously, maybe we possibly forgot to invite Lisa 'cause he's a little bit different? Dana: Yes. Bette/Tina: Dana! Shane: Give me the phone. (phone) Hey, Leese? Hi, Look. It - it completely slipped our minds. Look, you have to stop being such a lesbian. (listening) No it's not cute. And you are gonna chase the girls away, I promise. Guard: (to Bette) Sorry. I'm not showing anything here. Bette: She should have left our names at the gate. [One of Slim Daddy's entourage, the Smoothie Guy from earlier, gets out of the limo and comes up to the guard shack.] Smoothie Guy: Yo, is there a problem? Guard: Sorry, I, uh, don't mean to hold Mr. Daddy, but, uh, I can't let these women on the lot. Smoothie Guy: Sure you can. They with us. These are Slim Daddy's people. Guard: All of them. Smoothie Guy: Well, yeah. (points to Bette) This ones his, uh, business manager. [Bette smiles and waves.] Smoothie Guy: (points to Tina) That one over there, that's - that's his accountant. [Tina smiles and waves.] Smoothie Guy: (points to Alice) Little Blondie in the back, that's his P.R. lady. Alice: (mouthing) P.R. Guard: Hmp. Smoothie Guy: (points to Dana) And, uh... this one here... this one... she's his white lady. [Dana frowns.] Smoothie Guy: (points to Shane) And, uh... this one over here... well... she's just a friend of them. Came along for the ride. (to Guard) So, what you say partner, you cool with that? Guard: (sighs) Yeah, I'll set them up with some passes. Smoothie Guy: Allright, then, thanks. (shakes Guard's hand) Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Alice: Thanks. Bette: Thank you. Smoothie Guy: (to Bette) Yo, um. Slim Daddy would like you to discuss some of his business plans with you, if you got a minute. [Bette looks at Tina. Both raise their brows a little.] Bette: (to Smoothie Guy) Uh - well, well surely he would want his accountant to be there too? Smoothie Guy: I don't know about all of that. Bette: Well, as his business manager I would have to insist. Smoothie Guy: Allright. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. - SLIM DADDY'S LIMO - DAY [Slim Daddy is sitting in his limo, listening to hip hop. The door opens, and Smoothie Guy pokes his head in.] Smoothie Guy: Yo, Slim! I got a little something hooked up for ya. [Bette and Tina get in. Tina sits next to Slim Daddy. Bette sits across from them.] Bette: Hey. Slim: Hey love. Tina: Hey. Slim: 'Sup. [Tina sits next to Slim Daddy. She smiles, really excited. Slim waves for Smoothie Guy to get lost.] Slim: (to Bette) So who is this? Bette: This is my partner, Tina. Tina: Hello. Slim: What's up, Tina? How you doing? Tina: I'm good. Slim: So what ya'll got, a little business relationship or something? Tina: (smiling) Uh... we're life partners. Slim: What, ya'll married? [Bette and Tina smile at each other, blushing a little. Bette grins at Tina and winks. Tina grins and winks back.] Slim: I see. So you got yourself a little commitment, huh? And what about your sister, you think she'd be interested? Or is she with a chick, too? Bette: Uh, no, Kit is not gay. Slim: But I thought you said she was. Bette: No, I said I was. [Slim Daddy rolls his eyes and shakes his head.] Slim: She gonna kill me when she finds out the direction I took with this video. INT. - PARAMOUNT PICTURES LOT - STUDIO - DAY [Kit and several scantily-clad female dancers in black leather and lace gyrate in front of a green screen as hip hop music plays across a sound system. Kit lip syncs the words and cameras film her from every angle.] [Bette, Tina, Alice, Dana and Shane watch from the sidelines. Shane sits in a chair. Everyone seems to be enjoying it, except for Bette, who sees her sister looking a little uncomfortable in the getup, with the dancers all over her.] Bette: sh1t, I feel like I did this. Tina: No, look, she's having fun. Bette: She's being mounted. [Kit continues to dance and lip sync. The dancers start grabbing at her legs, which throws her off balance.] Director: Let's cut, cut it. [The music grinds to a halt. The dancers stand up.] Director: Everybody back to first positions please. Man: (offscreen) Playback. Director: Action. [The music begins again. Kit and the dancers start to groove to the music.] Alice: I want to do that dance. Wait. [Alice starts to dance. She moves her hip around in circles, and extends her arm and moves her hand in circles, too. She isn't quite getting it, though.] Shane: You do not wanna do that dance. Alice: (dancing) Oh, look. This is hard, Shane. Do you see this? Dana: That's because it requires a sense of rhythm, Alice, that you don't seem to posses. Shane: At all. [Slim Daddy steps in front of them, obscuring their view of Kit and her dancers.] Slim: (to Alice/Dana) You two married, too? Alice: Us? (laughs) No. [Alice puts an arm around Dana's shoulder. Dana chuckles.] Alice: We're just free-wheelin'. [Slim Daddy moves over to Shane.] Slim: (to Alice/Dana, re: Shane) Who's this? Shane: I'm Shane. [They stare each other down for a few seconds.] Shane: (getting up) Uh - I'm sorry. Have a seat. [Slim Daddy stares at Shane as he sits down.] Dana: (to Alice, re: Slim and Shane) It's like some weird carnival mirror or something. Alice: I know. Director: Lets cut! Cut it. [The music stops.] Kit: I can't do this. (walking off stage) I can't - I can't do this. [Slim Daddy gets up to go talk to her.] Kit: (to Slim) You know, I love the song and I really want to be in video, but... I just can't be in it like this, you know? Hey, when I stopped drinking, I promised myself I would never make a fool of myself again. Slim: Look, it's my bad. I put the ladies in the video 'cause I thought this was what you wanted. I thought this was your thing. Kit: You did that for me? That was sweet. Look, It's not about the girls. It really isn't. It's just that... hey, I ain't 20, and I ain't nobody's hoochie, and I just said to myself, "Why am I putting myself through all this?" You know? If they don't like me and my song, thi - this (holding arms out) is not going to convince them. [The director approaches Slim Daddy.] Director: Uh, sorry to interrupt, excuse me, but um... I have to keep shooting. Are you in or not? Slim: Excuse me, kid. If it wasn't for Kit Porter, wouldn't be none of us here. Wouldn't be no song. Wouldn't be no video for you to shoot. So what you meant to say was, you fixin' to sit yo ass over there and figure out how to get this right, right? [Slim Daddy steps up. The director backs down. Bette comes over. She and Kit smile at each other. They put their arms around each other and walk off.] INT. - LATHER - DAY [Shane enters the shop.] Receptionist: Oh, there's someone here to see you. [Cherie's assistant is sitting on a chair in the front. She stands.] Assistant: Hi. Shane: Hello. Assistant: Um, Cherie's hosting a benefit this evening for the Woman's Cancer Project and she'd like you to do her hair. Shane: What, tonight? Assistant: Yeah, Tonight at 5:00. Can I let her know that you'll be there? Shane: (a beat) Y - Yeah. Assistant: Excellent choice. Here's the directions. (hands Shane directions) Thanks. [Shane takes the sheet of directions. The assistant grabs her planner.] Assistant: Please be on time, Mrs. Jaffe gets grumpy when she's made to wait. [The assistant leaves. Shane, impressed, shows the papers to the receptionist, who giggles.] EXT. - THE C.A.C. - DAY [Bette walks to the building. Several employees are outside, scratching off various stickers that the religious petition/protest group stuck to the facade of the virtually all-windowed building. Some of the stickers read such things as "ART = FILTH", "WALK THROUGH THESE DOORS TO POLLUTE YOUR MIND. PORNOGRAPHY PEDDLERS", and "The CAC: A receptable for trash." Bette takes off her sunglasses and looks at the stickers, then goes in.] INT. - THE C.A.C. - BETTE'S OFFICE - DAY [Bette enters the reception area of her office. James is there.] James: Bette. [James walks after her with a cup of coffee.] James: Coffee. [Bette takes the coffee.] James: So, as far as I've figured out, the people responsible are (looks at a piece of paper) the Coalition for Concerned Citizens. They've kinda all but stood up and said they did it. [Bette walks into her office and sets her stuff down on her desk.] James: Um... they've been tracking the show since New York... but they're all ready to get serious here in L.A. because, as they see it, uh... [James picks up one of the Coalition for Concerned Citizens brochures and quickly reads it.] James: ... (points to brochure) (reading) "L.A. is the capital of filth and degradation." Bette: (looking) They sent these? James: Uh, yeah. Bette: When did they arrive? James: Uh, a couple of days ago, I thought it was junk mail. [Bette looks away and puts her face in her hands.] Bette: Okay. I just - I - I want you to get me as much information as you can. Just find out who runs the thing and who funds them. I need to find out what we're up against. James: Right. Bette: Okay? James: Runs and funds. Yeah. [James leaves.] EXT. - CHERIE JAFFE'S HOUSE - DAY [A huge, beautiful old-style mansion with lots of trees. The doorbell rings.] INT. - CHERIE JAFFE'S HOUSE - DAY [The housekeeper opens the door. Shane stands on the other side, a small bag with her hair supplies in her hand.] Housekeeper: Hello, Miss. Shane: Hi, uh... (stepping inside) I, um... I parked there. [Shane points to her run-down, old Toyota pickup truck sitting in the circular driveway a few feet away.] Shane: Is that okay? Housekeeper: Yes. Shane: Okay. [The housekeeper closes the door.] Housekeeper: The Mrs., (pointing) she wait for you upstairs. [Shane looks towards the upstairs, a little wowed by the beautiful house. Cherie Jaffe is upstairs. She comes up in a robe, carrying a glass of wine, and stands at the top of the stairs and smiles at Shane.] Shane: Okay. [Shane clomps up the stairs, her boots heavy on the polished wooden floors.] Cherie: Hello. Shane: Hi. [Cherie heads back into the hallway. Shane follows.] INT. - CHERIE JAFFE'S HOUSE - DRESSING ROOM - DAY [Cherie opens the door to a large dressing room outside her bathroom. Shane follows, closing the door behind her. Cherie sits at a large mirror. Shane sets her bag down and stands behind Cherie.] Shane: Okay. So should I, um... should I do what I did last time? [Cherie looks at Shane in the mirror.] Cherie: I was hoping for a little more. Shane: Oh, well... what kinda more? Cherie: Lots more. [Cherie turns around and starts to unbutton Shane's shirt at the waist.] Shane: Oh. [Cherie kisses Shane's stomach.] Shane: Oh, I see. [Shane takes Cherie's face in her hands and kisses her. They kiss passionately. Cherie stands up and takes off her robe; she's wearing black lacey things underneath. They continue to kiss.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Alice and Lisa sit at a table together. Lisa pushes a tall glass of a pale green concoction towards Alice.] Lisa: It's good for you. You're constantly complaining about feeling sluggish. Alice: Not constantly. Lisa: Pretty close. And lately I feel like you bring that fatigue into the bedroom. I mean, I make love to you and then when it's my turn, you're too tired, and I dont want to make you, but... I end up not having an orgasm and it's frustrating. Alice: So you're pumping me full of spirulina so you can come? Lisa: No, God. I'm just saying that you don't eat that well. And if you would just cut out the red meat it might help. [Dana enters and heads to a table nearby, where Andrew, the guy her mother wanted her to date, is sitting.] [Alice and Lisa watch. Alice gets up.] Alice: Allright. I'll be back in a minute. AT ANDREW'S TABLE - [Dana shakes hands with Andrew.] Dana: Hi. I'm Dana. Fairbanks. Andrew: Andrew. Sit Down. Dana: Andrew. Thanks. AT ALICE'S TABLE - [Alice walks over to the table behind Dana and Andrew's table. She sits, halfway facing them, so she can hear.] Andrew: (offscreen) So. Dana: (offscreen) So! (giggles) AT ANDREW'S TABLE - Andrew: I, uh... talked to your mom on the phone. Dana: (chuckling) Oh, yeah. Yeah. Andrew: She, uh... she said you're a tennis player. Dana: (smiling) Oh, yeah! Yeah. It's fun! You know. It's, uh, it's fun. It's h - it's hard work, though. Andrew: Well, It shows. You have a really beautiful body. Dana: (uncomfortable smile) Yeah. Okay. Andrew: You know, I don't understand why you need to be set up. When your mother showed me your picture I was, like - Dana: Was it a Subaru ad by any chance? Andrew: Oh, you did a Subaru ad? Dana: Yeah. The slogan was "Get out and stay out." Andrew: Oh, is that like an outdoorsy kind of... Dana: Gay thing? Yeah. Look, um... [Dana takes a deep breath.] Dana: That's me okay? I'm... I'm a lesbian. [Dana looks a little green around the gills. Andrew smiles.] Dana: Don't look at me like that, okay, I don't want to have s*x with you and another woman, okay. I'd just - I would want to have s*x with the woman, allright. I'm that gay. [Andrew nods.] Dana: I'm sorry you had to... come all the way out here and... do this. Andrew: It's okay. Dana: (relieved) Great! (relieved sigh) That's great! Well, gosh, allright then! (getting up) Well, it was great meeting you! [They shake hands.] Andrew: It was good to meet you. Dana: Take Care! [Dana walks over to Alice. Alice stands up. They slap hands.] Alice: Way to go. Dana: Score. [Dana heads for Lisa's table. Alice walks over to Andrew.] Alice: (to Andrew) Hi. (chuckles) Alice. (holds hand out) Nice to meet you. Andrew: (shaking hand) Andrew. Alice: You handled that really well. AT LISA'S TABLE - [Dana sits down.] Dana: Hey! Lisa: How did it go? Dana: I feel great! AT ANDREW'S TABLE - [Alice sits down.] Andrew: Well, It all happened so fast I, uh, couldn't think of anything else. Alice: So, Andrew. You're straight? Or... Andrew: (a beat) Uh, yes? Alice: Completely? No... shades of grey or anything? Andrew: Uh, none. Alice: Wow. Fascinating. (chuckles) So, you have no... sexual ambiguity, no... variation on your orientation or... AT LISA'S TABLE - [Dana and Lisa watch Alice flirting with Andrew.] Lisa: Is she... flirting with him? AT ANDREW'S TABLE - Alice: You're not hiding a v*g1n* in there? [Alice and Andrew chuckle.] Alice: (chuckling) One testicle? AT LISA'S TABLE Dana: Yeah. [Lisa watches Alice and Andrew.] Dana: I just told my first straight guy that I was gay and not even to bother trying! Lisa: Good for you. Congratulations. [Lisa turns back to watch Alice and Andrew.] INT. - CHERIE JAFFE'S HOUSE - DRESSING ROOM - DAY [Shane and Cherie are on the floor, half-naked, sweaty, having s*x.] Cherie: Mm! (kisses) You're f*cking (kisses) amazing. Mm! (kisses) I can't wait to tell Harry! (kisses) He's gonna be so jealous. Mm. (kisses) [They continue to kiss. The sound of the front door opening and closing is heard.] Steve: (muffled, offscreen) Cherie? [Cherie breaks the kiss and freaks out.] Cherie: Oh, my God! It's Steve! Steve: (muffled, offscreen) Cherie! Shane: Oh f*ck. [Shane quickly starts grabbing various clothing items scattered all around. Cherie grabs a piece of clothing and shoves it at Shane.] Cherie: Jesus, f*ck. Here take it! sh1t! Shane: f*ck. You have everything? [Cherie pulls up her underwear. Shane gathers up her boots and shirt.] Cherie: Yeah. Shane: You're good? Cherie: I got it. [Shane gets up and stumbles into the bathroom so fast she falls over. Cherie throws a stray boot in the bathroom just as Shane shuts the door. Cherie stands up just as Steve enters the room. She jumps, trying to put her robe on.] Steve: Hello? Cherie: Honey! You're always interrupting me when I'm not ready yet. Steve: (walking in) Well, I thought you'd be dressed by now. Cherie: I'm just getting my hair done. Steve: Oh. [Steve walks closer to her as she puts her robe on. He looks at her hair. It's still tousled from being on the floor with Shane.] Steve: Looks good. Cherie: It's the... (musses with hair) (smiling) just-fucked look. Steve: Yeah? Well, it works for me. [Cherie smiles and kisses Steve. Shane opens the bathroom door and comes out, dressed again.] Shane: Hi. Steve: Ah. You must be Shane. [Steve approaches and extends a hand for a handshake. Shane quickly holds up her hands.] Shane: My hands are wet. Steve: (chuckling) That's okay. [Shane grabs her bag.]

Bette faces serious personal and professional problems when the art gallery comes under attack for a radical exhibit and Tina buys expensive baby accessories without consulting her. As Dana starts to adjust to being out of the closet, fame (with complications) finds Shane when she gives a has-been actress, Cherie Jaffe ( Rosanna Arquette ), a new style and the married actress makes a pass at her. Alice finds complications with Lisa and turns to another man named Andrew. Jenny has an unpleasant dinner with Marina and Francesca, who defend their open romance; Jenny leaves even more confused about whether she wants to be with Marina or with Tim. Later, Tim tells Jenny that he cannot forgive her for her infidelity and deception. Also, Kit begins to rehearse for Slim Daddy's music video.

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Story by: Alicia Sky Varinaitis Teleplay by: Gigi McCreery & Perry Rein [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a crossword puzzle.] Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey! Joey: What are you guys doing up? Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red? Joey: (thinks) Dark red. Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon? Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.) Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute! Monica: I know. Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning. Chandler and Monica: Okay. [Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with...wait for it...Monica!] Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey! Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed. Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but... Dream Joey: Cat. Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you. Dream Joey: I love you too. (They hug.) [Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.] Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.] Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip. Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need? Rachel: A couple of bucks. Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge! Monica: Wow! Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that. Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge. Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.) Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys! Chandler: Hey! Rachel: Hey Joey! Monica: Hey. Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt? Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay? Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I'm not him. Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you. Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica! Monica: Are you saying I smell bad? Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.) Monica: What's with him? Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter. [Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.] Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh! Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!" Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!! Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies. Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch. The Salesman: You picked a great couch. Ross: Yeah? The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.) Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch! Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away! Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.) Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'? Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on! Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it! Ross: Yeah! The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch. Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.) The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.) Rachel: Ross! Ross: What's that supposed to mean? Rachel: Ross! The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very...y'know. And you're like...y'know. Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out. The Salesman: Really? You two? Ross: Yeah! Rach? Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch. Ross: Then tell him quickly. Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out. Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times! Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser! Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times! (Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.) [Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.] Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am? The Smoking Woman: Yes? Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree! The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well. Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again. The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette. Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk! The Smoking Woman: What?! Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em. The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too? Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree. The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree! Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!! The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry. Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup! [Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.] Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.) Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here? Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go. (They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.) Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.) Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left! Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Good-good-good. Rachel: Oh-oh! (She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.) Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it? (She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.) Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.] Phoebe: ...so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool! Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back! Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds. Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested. Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.) Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey. Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh. Chandler: Hi, Joe. Joey: Yeah, I didn't know you guys were going to be here. Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.) Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?! Monica: What is going on with you? Joey: Nothing! Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day! Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.) Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don't want to talk about it. Joey: Well, it involved Monica. Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.) Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any s*x in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish. Monica: What was the dream about? Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out. Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn't mean that-that you're in love with me! Joey: It-it doesn't? Monica: No! Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud. Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude. Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too. Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness. Monica: Um-hmm. Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her? Joey: (looks at her) Not really. Chandler: Well there you have it! Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend! Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have? Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it? Joey: Friends first? That's interesting. Monica: You become friends after? Joey: No, never done that either. Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure? Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom. (Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.) Monica: (laughing) That's right. (They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.) Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey? Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'? (Rachel is stunned.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.] Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car? Guy: Yeah. Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance. Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem. Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.) Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I! Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.) Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with? Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th. Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there. Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore. Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there? Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz? Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so. Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald. Cop: No, I don't know him. Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died. Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss. Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.) Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge? Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.] Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch? Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you. (He starts staring at her longingly.) Rachel: Thanks! Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight. Rachel: I know. Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those. Rachel: What's up Joe? Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great... Rachel: Yeah? Joey: ...is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So... Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying? Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch. Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up. Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.) Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm... No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends! Joey: Won't-won't that take longer? Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait. Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.] Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me. Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements. Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey? Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing. Chandler: (entering) Hey! Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica! Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so... Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.) Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.) Ross: Oh, that's me. Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself. Ross: No! That's-that's my arm! Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch. Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead. (Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.) Rachel: Okay! Chandler: Okay. Ross: Come on, Chandler. (They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.) Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go! (Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.) Ross: All right, ready? Chandler: Yeah. Ross: Turn. Chandler: (straining) Okay. Ross: Turn! Turn! (As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.) Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore! Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit. Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et! Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!! (They set the couch down.) Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore. Chandler and Rachel: You think?! Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again. (As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.) Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now. Ross: I can't believe that didn't work! Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch! Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.] Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends? Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.) Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like? Joey: Uhh, well, she's...really good in bed. Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first! Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault! Rachel: What?! Why?! Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate! Monica: What about the closeness? Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.] Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?! Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do! (They all walk over to get a slice.) Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor? (They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.) Monica: Who is it? Voice: N.Y.P.D!! Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God! Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!! (He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.) Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay! Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me! Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?! Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it! Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right? Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool! Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here. Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here! Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me? Phoebe: Me?! Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen. Chandler and Joey: Nice! Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out! Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me. Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer... Cop: Gary. Phoebe: Gary. Gary: Okay, so it's a date. Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me? Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out. Phoebe: Ohh, impressive. Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff. Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner. Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up? Phoebe: All right, I can't wait! Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts. (Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.) Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun! Closing Credits [Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.] Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it. [The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.] The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half! Ross: That's what I'm telling you. The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half? Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half! The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?! Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit. The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars. Ross: (thinks) I take it.

Phoebe finds a police badge at the coffeehouse and has fun pretending to be a cop - until she pulls it on the owner, a cop named Gary. He later asks her out for dinner. Ross buys a new couch, but refuses to pay the huge delivery charge. Ross soon wishes he had paid the fee as he and Rachel struggle to get the couch up to his apartment. Joey is upset after having a romantic dream about Monica. However, Monica assures him it is only because he wants a serious relationship similar to Monica and Chandler's.

fd_The_Office_01x05

fd_The_Office_01x05_0

Michael: [to Jim] Hey, you ready? Michael: All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent. Dwight: Michael! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun." And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you. Dwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team. Michael: No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior. Dwight: Oh, please. Michael: [to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game... Dwight: I apologized for that. Michael: [to Dwight] I vouched for you. Dwight: Michael, I... Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar. Dwight: I can handle that. Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that. Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager. Michael: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager. Dwight: [to camera] Same thing. Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so... Dwight: It's close. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim. Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this? Phyllis: Keep me out of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right. Ryan: Fine, don't worry about that. Michael: And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs. Lonny: What's up? Michael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs. Darryl: It's not my real name. Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs. Ryan: Darryl Rogers? Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers. Michael: [laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs. Ryan: Yeah, yeah. Michael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on. Darryl: We're loading at one. Michael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me. Darryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time. Michael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken] Darryl: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock. Michael: All right, see you at one. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Are we ready for the game? Everybody: [half-heartedly] Yeah. Michael: I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings. Dwight: Gimli. Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team. Dwight: Just trying to be helpful. Michael: Uh, [in a nerdy voice] "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword." Jim: That's him. Michael: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course. Stanley: I'm sorry? Michael: Um, what do you play? Center? Stanley: Why "of course"? Michael: Uh... Stanley: What's that supposed to mean? Michael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that. Jim: Uh, I heard it. Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time. Phyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school. Michael: [ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart. Ryan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch? Michael: Yes. Ryan: OK. Michael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else? Oscar: I can help out, if you need me. Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box. Kevin: I have a hoop in my driveway. Michael: No. Phyllis: I have a sports bra. Michael: No, no, ridiculous. Dwight: Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can] Missed it... Michael: Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight. Dwight: Yes! Michael: Sorry Phyllis. Dwight: Can I be team captain? Michael: No, I'm team captain. Dwight: Can I be team manager? Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager. Dwight: Assistant team manager? Michael: No. Dwight: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then. Michael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now. Jim: Oh my God. Michael: Threat neutralized. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard! Pam: Please don't throw garbage at me. Michael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once? Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance. Jim: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and... Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying. Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead. Michael: Oh, yeah right. Phyllis: I'll do it. Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man? Darryl: Just getting a tea bag. Michael: Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face! Darryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's. Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday. Darryl: No, that's not as much fun. You know what? Michael: What? Darryl: You're on. Michael: OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You coming down? Pam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones. Jim: You gonna wish me luck? Pam: Yeah, you're gonna need it. Jim: Whoa. Jim: Is that trash talk from Pam? Pam: [laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive. Jim: Oh. Pam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so... Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along. Pam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake. Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it. Jim: Have a good game man. Roy: Yeah, you too. Should be fun. Michael: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch? Ryan: I stretched before I came. Michael: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy. Jim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy. Michael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys. Dwight: [taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins! Michael: Aw, come on Dwight. Dwight: What? Shirts on or off? Michael: On. Just put it on. Dwight: You sure? Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK? Roy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car. Michael: Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him! Teammates: Yeah! Roy: That's what I'm talking about. Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone! Dwight: De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap] Michael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense! Warehouse worker: [Roy scores] Well done team. Michael: Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket] Pam: Woo! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul. Roy: OK. Michael: OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa! Jim: My bad. Darryl: [scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Lonny: [dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there. Michael: That is cool. Is that like the Robot? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump] Ryan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine. Darryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on. Roy: All right, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Warehouse worker: Watch your back Madge. Madge: Hey! Come on man! Michael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight! Dwight: [scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face! Madge: Yeah, like that counts. Michael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter... Roy: [steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball. Michael: All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on! Michael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls. Jim: You know what? Let me take Roy. Michael: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Block, block, block! Madge: He's afraid of you now. Michael: [Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes! Roy: What the hell man? Jim: Take it easy. Roy: No, you take it easy. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys! [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight. Michael: Dwight! Dwight: [scores] Yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score? Angela: You're ahead. Michael: Yeah, baby, here we go! Michael: [Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it! Worker: I'm sorry. Michael: Foul! Foul! Worker: I'm sorry. You all right? Michael: Oh, that hurts. Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Michael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason? Darryl: Take your shot man! Michael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there. Worker: No it wasn't. Michael: [mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair. Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up... Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly. Angela: This is a cold pack... Dwight: Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes] Michael: Thanks Dwight. Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on? Michael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won. Darryl: That was you. Michael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face. Roy: No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday. Darryl: Yeah, this isn't happening. Michael: Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so... Lonny: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right? Michael: Hey, hey... Lonny: Monday? Michael: [laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good. Pam: Mmm-hmm. Jim: I didn't sign anything. Roy: Hey baby. Pam: Hey. Roy: [to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend. Pam: Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub. Roy: Yeah? Let's get you into a tub. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, what a game, huh? What a game. Oscar: What time do we have to come in? Michael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.

Michael and the office staff take on the workers in the warehouse in a basketball game. Through racist and sexist ideals, Michael chooses many of the lesser skilled office workers over their more athletic peers. Michael claims a "flagrant personal intentional foul," stops the game, and declares his team as the winners. The warehouse finds the call unfair and Michael caves under pressure, and concedes the victory to the warehouse staff. Michael eventually tells the office that they don't have to come in on Saturday either, but it does little to calm them: "Like coming in an extra day is going to prevent us from being downsized."

fd_Angel_02x09

fd_Angel_02x09_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Host to Angel: "Welcome to Caritas. How about gracing us with a number?" Wesley to Gunn: "The Host, he helps demons, reads their souls, senses their futures." Cordy: "Yes, but he can only do it when they sing Karaoke." Angel: "Darla. That's her!" Angel to Darla: "So you are what Wolfram and Hart brought back in that box." Darla: "I remember everything Angel." Angel: "You have a soul now. Pretty soon - those memories are gonna start eating away at you." Darla to Lindsey: "What did you bring back, Lindsey? What am I?" Holland to Lindsey: "You not only allowed her to escape, you facilitated it." Angel to Wesley: "She asked for my help." Wesley: "You know better than anyone what she was." Angel: "What we were." Darla to Angel: "Turn me back! I can bear this pounding in my chest for another second!" Angel: "I can't." Angel: "Darla, wait!" Darla: "No. Don't look for me again." Cordy and Wesley are hovering around the closed door leading down into the Hyperion's basement. Cordy: "Don't you think we should check on him? - He's been in that cellar a long time." Wesley: "I keep hearing a 'chucka-chuka' sound. - What's he doing down there?" Cordy: "How should I know? He barely says 'good morning' and 'get me a glass of blood' anymore." Wesley: "I know. He's just so distraught about..." Cordy: "Don't say Darla! I'm sick and tired hearing about Darla. If I hear the name Darla one more time! And he is not distraught, he is obsessed! And I thought you were gonna be a man and talk to him about this!" Wesley: "I was a man! I said - things." Cordy: "Like what?" Wesley: "Like - did he prefer milk or sugar in his tea. It's how men talk about things in England." Cordy: "Shh! Listen. It stopped." Wesley: "He's coming!" Both of them run away from the basement door. Cordy hops onto a stool behind the counter, looks down at some papers. Behind her Wesley picks up a file and pretends to be reading as the door opens and Angel comes out carrying an armful of clothes. Angel: "Hi, guys. What's up?" Cordy: "Nothing. - So, you were - doing your laundry?" Angel folding his laundry: "Yeah. There is an old washer and dryer in the cellar. (Holds one piece up to his face) Hmm, don't you just love it when they're still warm from the dryer? (Shakes it out and looks at it) Wrinkle free - right, after you iron it for about 15 minutes!" Wesley: "It's good to see you taking a domestic tack." Cordy: "Yeah, you seem all calm and homey. - Are you on drugs?" Angel: "I know I've caused you a lot of grief about his whole Darla situation - and I apologize. Darla may never need my help. All I can do is be there for her if and when she decides to come around. - But I can't do it for her, and I know that now." Wesley smiles at Cordy: "We had tea." Angel: "In the mean time, there is nothing I can do but - let go." Gunn burst in holding a file: "I found Darla. (Angel walks over to look through what he's got.) It wasn't easy, but you said to keep looking and my wide ranging knowledge of L.A.'s low-rent hotels finally paid off." Cordy to Angel: "You lied to us!" Angel looking at some pictures: "I did. I know." Wesley: "Why?" Angel: "I figured you'd nag. (Cordy and Wesley exchange a look) The Royal Viking Motel." Gunn: "Conveniently located mere steps from scenic skid row. I guess she's not living off Wolfram and Hart no more." Angel: "They'll be looking for her, too." Gunn: "What do you think they'll do if they find her?" Angel: "Well, lets get there first and not find out." Angel grabs his coat and walks towards the door, Gunn following. Cordy: "Listen up, Mister! If you expect us to go with you on some wild goose chase, then guess again! (as they walk out the door) We're not going to enable you in your addiction!" Wesley: "Didn't we learn anything from the tea?" Darla takes off her cross necklace and puts it on the dresser. She puts on some bright red lipstick, then hesitates, looking at her reflection. Picks up a tissue and wipes it back off as a know sounds on her door. Darla stares at herself in the mirror. A key jangles in the lock and the door opens. Darla turns and sees Lindsey handing the Motel manager some money before closing the door behind him, never taking his eyes off her. Lindsey: "You're a hard one to find." Intro. Darla sits in a chair in Lindsey's office there are a couple security guards in the background. Lindsey clears his throat and sits on the edge of his desk. Lindsey: "Thanks for coming in." Darla: "Did I ever have a choice?" Holland comes in carrying some files, nods at the guard, who leaves, closing the door. Holland: "Of course. - We would never force you to do anything against your will, Darla." Darla: "It wasn't my will to be here in the first place. I never asked for this life." Holland sits down in a chair next to hers: "Well, - no one ever does. God doesn't give us a say in these matters." Darla: "God wasn't there one who brought me back." Holland: "True." Darla: "So, what do you want me to do for you now? Go back to him? I won't matter even if I did. There is nothing between us anymore." Darla looks down at her hands while Holland glances over at Lindsey. Holland: "You misunderstand. We didn't invite you here to discuss Angel." Lindsey: "This is about you." Darla looks up at Lindsey. Holland: "You are not our prisoner, Darla. - You are, however our *moral* responsibility." He hands her the files in his hand and Darla looks through them. Holland: "No doubt you remember very little of your first few weeks with us. - No one eve really remembers their first days of life, but that's when these were initiated." Darla shakes her head slightly and looks up at Lindsey: "Did-did you know anything about this?" Lindsey just looks at her and Darla looks back down at the papers in her lap. Holland: "Now, we're prepared to deal with this situation anyway you see fit. - It's up to you. - We just thought you should know. At the Viking Motel Gunn walks into Darla's room. Angel is standing in the open doorway. Gunn: "She ain't here, bro." Angel: "No. But she was, not long ago. (Sniffs) Scent's still fresh. A lot of fear." Gunn: "Don't envy you that particular talent. Not based on what I'm getting with just my standard issue human smeller. (Looks around the room. Behind him Angel enters) Man, not even for free cable, you know what I'm sayin'?" Angel: "She chose this neighborhood for a reason." Gunn looks from Angel to the door and back. Gunn: "Bro, how'd you..?" Angel: "Oh, Motel, public accommodation. She didn't live here." Gunn: "Yeah? I wouldn't call it living, either. Hey, looks like maybe she was expecting company (Picks up Darla's cross from the dresser) in the form of you." Angel looks around the room: "No blood. Nothing new, anyway." Gunn: "You smellin' that, too?" Angel: "This room's seen a lot of it." Gunn: "No doubt. Big step down from her last digs, that's for sure." Angel: "When you're desperate - you do what you have to do." France 1765, night. A horse carrying two riders trots into a barn. Angelus and Darla dismount. Angelus: "This is outrages! Don't these people know who we are?" Darla: "I think they do. Which would explain the lynch mob. Look, we should all rest. It'll be dawn in a few hours and she won't last another mile, not carrying us both." Angelus closing the barn door: "Right. I hate the French. We should go some place like Romania." Darla: "In Italy you said we should go some place like France." Angelus: "At least in Romania they really know how to treat a creature of the night." Darla: "You were craving rich food, that's what you said, something - French." Darla lights a lantern while Angelus looks out at the dark countryside. Angelus: "The valley seems quiet." Darla: "I told you we lost them back in Arles. I'm sure of it." Angelus: "This man, Holtz, how does he keep finding us?" Darla: "Well, we stay in the best hotels, order room service, eat the waiters - people talk." Angelus: "Holtz is no mere mortal, I tell you that." Darla: "Of course he is. He's just a man, a vampire hunter." Angelus: "Yeah. Good enough to have driven us into a stinking barn like animals." Darla with a smile: "All right then, let's *be* animals, at least for tonight. (Walks over to a pile of hey and reclines on it) Unless, of course, you're too tired." Angelus: "Shouldn't we be keeping watch?" Darla: "I can see the window, and we'll hear hoof beats should anyone approach." Angelus walks over to her, smiling: "You always make the best of it, don't you?" Darla: "Come now you have to admit that the chase can be exhilarating (Angelus drops to his knees beside her) especially with the proper companion." Angelus leans down to kiss her and a flaming stake whizzes by where his head was moments before and stick in a wooden post. Angelus: "Bastards!" Darla is sitting at a table in a real dive, across form her sits a vampire showing off his vamp face. Darla: "That's great. (Smiles) Really - very threatening." Vampire laughs: "It's getting to you, isn't it? You know, when I was a-a human, I didn't have much luck with the women." Darla takes a drink: "Hard to believe." Vampire: "I had kind of a skin condition. But now - it's something about the teeth I guess. (Bares his fangs) Chicks go crazy for it." Darla: "You got girlfriends everywhere I imagine." Vampire: "Well, mostly I just kill 'em. Dump the bodies." Darla: "That must be very lonely for you." Vampire: "We're a lonely sort, we - creatures of the night. Doomed to walk the earth, that kind of deal." Darla: "Ah, how long have you been..." Vampire: "Oh, an eternal child of the darkness? Since, ah - '92." Darla: "19 - 92?" Vampire chuckles: "I know. It's hard to believe it's already the last century." Darla: "And in all this - time you've never considered making yourself a - mate?" Vampire: "How do you mean?" Darla: "Well, isn't it true that some vampires choose a mortal, someone they can sire, someone who, too, can walk those lonely nights, hunting with them, feeding with them, (puts her hand on his) joining with them?" Vampire looks down at her hands covering his then gives a laugh. Vampire: "No! That'd just be weird." Darla: "Weird? - It's mythic!" Vampire shakes his finger at her: "No, you been reading too much Anne Rice lately! You've got no idea how this thing works!" Darla: "Then teach me." Vampire: "Oh, what, you want me to make you?" Darla: "Why do you think I came into this bar, for the snacks?" Vampire: "Sweetheart, in this bar, you are the snacks." Darla smiles at him: "I live nearby. We can go back to my place, you can do it there." Vampire: "Y-you're serious about this. (Darla nods slightly) So what? I make you and then you'd be like my immortal babe?" Darla: "Yes." Vampire: "Ah, well, that kind of sounds like commitment to me." Darla: "Then use me for as long as you like, anyway you like, then discard me. - No strings." Vampire after a beat: "There is an alley out back." Darla gets up, grabs a hold of his hand and drags him out. Alley behind the bar, Darla is still dragging the guy. Vampire: "How do you know I won't just kill you here, drain you and leave your body?" Darla puts her purse down on the hood of a car and gives him a hard kiss, then steps back. Vampire's eyes popped open wide. Darla: "I'll take my chances." Vampire: "I - I- I should probably mention that I... - I'm not real clear on how this thing works." Darla: "What?" Vampire: "Well, ah, I never actually did it, ah, to anybody before - and I was kind of out when it happened to me." Darla taking a deep breath: "I'll walk you through it. (Steps closer) Drink. (Exposes her neck) When you feel my heart start to slow stop." Vampire leans in while Darla closes her eyes. He's about to sink his fangs into her neck when he dissolves into a cloud of dust revealing Angel. Darla: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Angel: "Saving you." Darla: "I wasn't *in* any danger, Angelus. Believe me, I picked a stupid one. I always pick the stupid ones, didn't you know that? - I can take care of myself." Angel: "I didn't mean from him. I was saving you from yourself." Darla: "Who asked you?" Angel: "This isn't the answer." Darla: "You don't even know what the question is. Why can't you leave me alone." She tires to walk past him but he stops her, leaning close into her face. Angel: "You do this thing and I won't be able to leave you alone, don't you get that? I'll never be able to leave you alone. (Holds up the stake) Next time it'll be you on the end of this stake. - I'm sorry, but I don't want that, not again." Darla: "Don't worry. I wouldn't let it happen twice." Darla walks past him. Angel: "Where are you going?" Darla: "Not back in there, everyone saw me leave with the Mullet. Try something on the westside, I guess." Angel: "Another dive, another looser?" Darla turns back to him: "What do you care?" Angel steps closer: "This isn't you, Darla." Darla: "You know, just because we had a thing for 150 years, don't presume you know me!" Angel: "So you really want to be made by some creep in some filthy alley?" Darla: "I wanted you to do it." Angel: "That'll never happen." Darla turns to go: "So I do what I have to do. Anyway, you were made in an alley, if I recall." Angel: "That's not the point." Darla spins back around: "Yeah, well, what is the point, Angelus?" Angel: "The point is, you were undead for 400 years, you've only been human again for a few months. Why not give it some time." Darla: "I don't have time." Angel: "You do. You've been given a second chance. Don't throw that away before you have the opportunity to..." Darla closing her eyes: "I'm dying." Angel: "What?" Darla looks at him: "Yeah. And not some time. Not later. Now. Right now. They showed me the medical files, all the tests said the same thing: I have about two months left, three at the most. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm in sort of a hurry." She turns to go and Angel stares after her. Back in France in the past the barn is on fire and surrounded by screaming peasants, carrying torches. Angelus: "How many men do you supposed he has with him?" Darla: "I can't die. Not like this." Angelus: "Well, we can try to flee to the hills to the south." Darla: "We'll never make it before the sun rises, not by foot." Angelus: "We'll not make it easy for 'em, I can tell you that. They're men - mortals. Between the two of us we can go out with a reputation. (Looks outside through a crack) Even death with the right companion..." As he turns back towards Darla she hits him across the face with a 2x4, knocking him down. While slowly picks himself back up, she hurriedly mounts the horse. Darla: "I hope you survive this, Angelus. If you do, maybe we meet again in Vienna." With that she rides out of the barn. Hyperion, night. Cordy hears someone open the doors and turns to Wesley, who's reading a newspaper. Cordy in a whisper: "Angel's back (Wesley glances up) and he has *Darla* with him!" Wesley gets up and he and Cordy walk around the counter to confront Angel and Darla. Cordy: "Hi. (Sees the bag Darla is carrying) You're - planning on sleeping over?" Darla puts down the bag: "I'm dying." Cordy: "So just for the one night then." Wesley: "Dying?" Darla: "He doesn't believe it." Wesley: "Angel, what's going on?" Angel: "Wolfram and Hart showed her some medical files supposedly proving that she's only got a few months left to live." Cordy: "So maybe *more* than the one night." Wesley: "And you believe it's some kind of trick." Angel: "We're talking about Wolfram and Hart! Of course it's a trick. They're trying to play some kind of mind game." Wesley: "To what end?" Angel: "I don't know, but we're not gonna take the bait." Darla: "No, you just don't wanna believe it, that's all." Angel: "I don't wanna believe anything from them." Wesley: "It's true. They can't really be trusted." Darla: "I don't trust them, but I know a thing or two about mind games. (To Angel) So do you. We played them together for over a century." Cordy: "Yes, but you were just soulless bloodsucking demons, they're lawyers." Angel: "She's right. We were amateurs." Darla: "And if you're wrong?" Angel after a beat: "I'm not. And I'm gonna prove it to you. (Steps closer to Wes and Cordy) Can you guys just watch over her for a while? I'll be back soon." Wesley: "Of course." Cordy: "Don't worry about a thing." Angel turns to leave: "Thanks." Darla: "You can't force me to stay here." Angel: "You're not a prisoner." Darla: "I've been hearing that a lot lately." Angel: "Just give me a chance. - Okay?" After a moment Angel turns and leaves. Cordy: "So, first up - you're a prisoner." Wesley: "I'd have to concur with that, yes." Cordy: "See, you've got our friend - all - in knots." Wesley: "Can't say we like you much." Cordy: "So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape - we *will* hit you." Wesley: "On the head." Cordy: "With very large and heavy objects. - Okay?" Lindsey is sitting in his dimly lit apartment, drinking. Suddenly the door burst inward and Angel is standing in the corridor. Angel: "I may not be able to come in, Lindsey, but..." Lindsey taking another sip: "Wipe your feet." Angel: "What?" Lindsey gets up: "Wipe your feet. You can come in." Angel just stands there. Lindsey: "Jeez. I invite you in already." Lindsey goes to pour himself another drink. Angel grabs him by the throat and slams the back of his head on to the counter top. Lindsey: "Does it really look like you have to throttle me for information?" Angel: "Need to?" Angel pulls Lindsey back up and pushes him away from him. Lindsey: "Yes, she's dying. Yes, those medical reports you saw are real. You want a second opinion? (Picks up some files and throws them at Angel) Here. How about a thrid? Hmm? How about a thenth? I used every connection Wolfram and Hart had. (Points at the file Angel is looking at) That's my own personal doctor. They all say the same thing: syphilitic heart condition - terminal. (Refills his glass) Looks like our Darla was a working girl in the New World. Syphilis was what she was dying from when she was human. - Now she's human again. Kind of picking up where she left off. Of course, today something like that could be cleared up with a few antibiotics - if you catch it in time. We're about a month and - what? 400 years too late?" Angel looks up from the files he'd been reading: "So you didn't believe them either. (Lindsey drops his eyes to his glass) - So it's true." Lindsey: "I had to be sure." Angel: "Why?" Lindsey: "Why? Because I don't want her to die anymore than you do." Angel looks him up and down for a moment. Angel: "Do you love her, Lindsey? (Lindsey looks down) Is that what this is? Heh - look at you. A few short months with her and you go all schoolboy. I was with her for *150* years." Lindsey: "But you never loved her." Angel after a short beat: "I wasn't capable of it and neither are you." Lindsey: "Maybe not. - But I'd save her if I could. And you can. And you won't. (Gets up) So you got s choice pal: waste the last two months of her life searching for a cure that doesn't exist, watch her wither away and die - or you can use the only real power you got. You can make this disease go away today if you wanted to." Angel: "By killing her again." Lindsey: "By giving her life! Eternal life." Angel: "And then what, Lindsey? You and her can be together? If I were to do it - if I turned her, how long do think it would be before she hunted you down and had you for breakfast? - I've got to say, I mean, that thought alone almost makes it worth it. But - there is another way, and I'll find it." Angel throws the medical files at Lindsey and walks out. Darla is outside in the garden court at the Hyperion. Cordy and Wes are in the lobby, holding cups of tea. Cordy: "I mean, not only is she putting *his* life at stake, but ours! I'm sorry, but after 400 hundred years of death and destruction, seems to me, you get voted off the island. Am I right?" They notice Angel standing in the lobby, hands buried in his pocket's staring straight ahead. Cordy: "You're back." Angel doesn't move. Wesley: "Was it - good news?" They look where he's staring and see Darla through the glass doors, smelling a flower out in the court. Angel: "Just give me a minute, will you, guys?" Angel slowly walks out into the court. Darla: "Hmm, Jasmine. It blooms at night. I remember what that was like. (Looks over at Angel. Gets up) I told you. I told you it was the truth." Angel: "Darla..." Darla: "No, I have to go." She tries to walk past him, but Angel blocks her way. Angel: "We'll find a cure. We'll do something." Darla: "You'll do something! Now, I've been around long enough to know when something is a lost cause - unless..." Angel: "That's exactly what they want us to do, Darla. We'd be playing right into their hands." Darla: "I don't care. I don't wanna die." Angel: "I can't give you what you want." Darla: "It's what I need." Angel: "No, it's not what you need, Darla. Really it's not. I don't know what you need. I wish I did." Darla turns away: "I don't know either." Angel after a moment: "No. You do. You're the only one that could. You just can't see it that's all. You need a little help." [SCENE_BREAK] Darla sits on the stage at Caritas while Angel stands beside the Host at the bar. Darla singing: "Blow, ill wind, blow away. Let me rest today. You're blowing me no good..." Host watching her: "Ooh!" Angel: "What is that? What does that mean, ooh?" Host: "It means 'ooh, ground control to major Tom' we may not be able to save this bird." Angel: "I'm gonna save her and you're gonna help me." Host looks at Angel: "I sense pain and anger. Are you still testy from the last time?" Angel: "When you sent me to that swami who was dead, and his imposter tried to kill me? Why would I be testy about that?" Host: "That was painful. (Goes to sit at a table) I'm still reeling." Angel, sits down next to him: "Yeah, I feel your pain, what with him trying to kill me and all." Host: "People try to kill *you* everyday. I'm talking about Ramone. Over heard us, betrayed me. The man was a world-class bartender. He made a sea breeze that took you to Tahiti. Mmm. He's off the menu now." Angel: "Can we get back to Darla?" Host: "If you shush up and listen to the bridge." Darla singing: "You're only misleading the sunshine I'm needing. Ain't that a shame? It's so hard to keep up with troubles that creep up from out of nowhere (the Host is watching Angel watch Darla) when love..." Angel: "Aren't you supposed to be reading her?" Host: "I'm a channel surfer. Look, you're a big hunk of hero sandwich. You wanna save the girl. I can see why. But you're missing the crucial point here. Things fall apart. Not everything can be put back together, no matter how much you want it." Angel: "She's not gonna die." Host: "Why do you care *so* much? She had more than most of us, already 400 plus years." Angel: "As a vampire. Before that she was... She... She never had a chance." Darla finishes her song to big applause. Host: "Someone get my heart. That girl's ripped it right out. - Okay, I know I'm probably going to regret this. In fact, being prescient, I'm actually sure of it. There is one way. It-it's a bit of a quest - and - it will probably kill you." Angel: "I'll take it." Host writes down an address: "Alright, big fella, you asked for it. You're about to face the hell and the high water. - Go to this address." Angel: "What is it?" Host: "It's were we find out if you're really ready to take the plunge." Angel and Darla walk up to a pool. Angel laughing: "Well, here we are." Darla: "I don't think this is right." Angel: "Well, he said I had to take the plunge." Darla: "Into an empty pool?" Angel: "Sure. 'cause if you had water, you'd get all wet and miss out on all that skull crushing." Darla: "Maybe he meant another pool." Angel: "Something in a Koi pond. They're were Zen. Nah, he's must testing me. It's that whole leap of faith thing." Angel walks up onto the diving board. Darla: "Then don't do it. Angel, some green horned lounge singer asks you to do something and you just do it? - Why?" Angel just looks at her. Angel taking a deep breath: "I'm either coming back with a cure - or you're about to see something kinda funny." Takes a running step, bounces off the end of the board and takes a header into the empty pool. But instead of hitting the bottom he disappears through it with a blue crackle, and tucks and rolls back to his feet in a dungeon like chamber. Jeeves: "Well, we certainly have faith. Now we'll test your valor." Angel turns to see a guy looking like a butler in a black suit and tie standing there. Jeeves: "I shall be assisting you with the trials, sir." Angel looks to the side and there is Darla. Angel: "Darla. Why is she here?" Jeeves: "You wish to save her life?" Angel: "Yes." Jeeves: "She is your collateral then. Should you complete all three trials, she will be made - whole." Angel: "What happens if I don't complete the trials?" Jeeves: "She dies instantly. - In the mean time, Darla, you can relax with an iced beverage in our - antechamber." Darla suddenly disappears. Angel: "No." Jeeves: "Oh, it's better this way, sir. I a few moments no living thing will be safe in here." Angel: "You can't. Nobody said that she would..." Jeeves: "Oh, I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but *life* is the bargain here, you have place hers in the balance (We hear a growl and Angel glance at the gate in the wall behind him) along with your own, of course. Anyway, you best get ready now, sir. This is no time to be dwelling on the negative." Jeeves: "Your trials will consist of three separate challenges. I'll need your shirt and shoes." Angel takes off his coat and shirt and throws them at Jeeves. Angel: "Unarmed combat?" Jeeves: "Well - you'll be unarmed, yes." Angel: "Okay. Three challenges. - What are they?" Jeeves: "That's for you to discover, sir. - Uhm, shoes and socks, please." Angel takes them off and hands them to Jeeves. Angel: "I'm thinking you've seen this play before. Give me something I can work with." Jeeves: "I've never given information to a challenger before." Angel: "How many of them have asked?" Jeeves: "Well, in theory, the first test is child's play. Once that gate opens, all you have to do is walk through it." Angel: "That's it? What's the catch?" Jeeves: "Yes, well, uhm, that would be telling, wouldn't it?" Angel: "Okay, that's one. What's two and three?" Jeeves: "Oh, I really wouldn't know about the last tow tests, sir. I've never seen anyone survive the first one. - Best of luck." Jeeves disappears the way Darla did earlier. The gate rises and an ugly yellow demon, armed with a sword and two chains with sharp hooks at the ends walks in. Angel: "You must be the catch." The demon swings the chains around trying to hook Angel, but he manages to avoid them. Then Angel runs up the wall and around the outside of one of the arced doorways ringing the chamber (very cool stunt this) trying to get by the demon and reach the door. But the demon hooks one of Angel's thighs and drags him across the floor towards him. Standing next to Darla in the ante-chamber, Jeeves is looking at his pocket watch. Jeeves: "Seventeen seconds. Already twice the time most others have lasted." Darla: "Call this off." Jeeves: "Impossible. Once the tests have started they can't be stopped." Darla: "I need to see what's happening - now." Jeeves: "If you insist. But please remember - you did ask." He touches Darla's forehead and there is a short flash of light. Angel's head rocks back as the demon hits him and Darla's head moves as well as she flinches. We cut back between Darla and Angel getting hit and it looks like Darla feels every hit connecting. The demon hits Angel a few more times then kicks him in the side. The demon lets go of the chain hooked into Angel's thigh and pulls out his sword. Angel pulls the hook out and catches the sword on the chain then scrambles to his feet. He runs through one of the arced doorways into the narrow corridor circling the chamber. The demon runs after him, but Angel has disappeared. As the demon stops, Angel drops down behind him (he had wedged himself between the walls above him) and hits him with a hard right then turns and runs back into the chamber. The demon runs through another arc, but Angel is waiting just inside the chamber beside it and rips the sword from his grip and cuts him across the waist. The two halves fall to the ground and Angel breathes a sigh of relief. As does Darla. She shakes her head and smiles at Jeeves, who only raises his eyebrows at her. Angel limps over to the gate, but it stays closed. Angel strains against it. Angel: "Hey! I defeated him! Open up!" He hears a growl and turns to see the top half of the demon hand-walk over to his legs and pull them against his cut as if he was putting on a pair of pants. While Angel (and Darla in the chamber) watch in horror, the two halves merge. Darla flinches as the Demon comes at Angel swinging both hooks, but Angel quickly manages to cut him in half again. He hooks the bottom half, drags it to the wall and loops the chain over a light fixture. Drags the chain wrapped top half to the opposite wall and hangs it off another light fixture. The demon growls and twitches but can't free his hands from the chains. The Gate rises and Angel limps through it. In the antechamber Darla is breathing heavily, as Jeeves checks his watch again. Darla: "Is this how a guy like you gets his rocks off?" Jeeves: "Oh, I have no feelings about this contest one way or another, miss. - Do you?" The gate comes back down behind Angel, leaving him facing a long dark corridor. The ceiling opens to let the moonlight in and Angel sees that the floor and walls of it are covered with crosses in all shapes and sizes. About half way down there is a basin on a pedestal and a door at the other end of it. Jeeves is eating a cookie. Darla: "Why don't you just kill him if you want him dead." Jeeves: "We don't *want* anything, miss. In this place, the journey is all. Where it may lead is not our concern." Angel takes a deep breath and runs as fast as he can with his skewered thigh along the corridor. Hisses of steam rise with each of his steps as the crosses burn his bare feet. He passes the basin, gives it a passing glance, stumbles and lands full length on the floor, screaming as the crosses burn his bare skin. He pushes himself up, burning his hands. Darla flinches, wide-eyed. Angel makes it to the door, but it's locked. He turns, limps back to the basin. It's filled with water and there is a key at the bottom of it. Darla: "Holy Water!" Angel plunges his right hand into the water, screaming as the water boils around his arm, fishes the key out. His arm and hand holding it look like raw meat. He makes it back to the door and unlocks it. Jeeves is checking his watch again. Jeeves: "He's quite remarkable." Darla: "Yes - he is." Angel limps into the next chamber, grimacing with the pain. Chains shoot out and manacles clamp around his wrists and ankles then pull tight leaving him spread-eagled. Jeeves enters clapping his hands. Jeeves: "Well played! You fielded our strokes from end to end. My hat's off to you, sir. Of course there is one final challenge." Jeeves turns to look at the wall facing Angel as rows upon rows of stakes poke out of it. Angel: "What is this?" Jeeves: "I think you know, sir." Angel, breathing hard, is staring at the stakes. Darla, breathing hard, closes her eyes. Angel: "Stakes? You call this (starts coughing) a test? The only way this can work is you kill me, huh?" Jeeves: "Exactly. You do understand - this third test has no catch, as you out it. Death is the final challenge. - We can't restore one life without taking another. You see? In order for Darla to live, you must die." Jeeves: "I apologize for any discomfort this may be causing. I really - can't imagine the pain." Angel: "How about we switch places and we won't have to, huh?" Jeeves: "Oh, my death wouldn't balance a thing, sir. Yours on the other hand..." Angel: "I die, Darla lives." Jeeves: "Yes. I'm unaware of any deities the vampire worships, but if you'd like to pray (pulls a lever and the stakes pull back, spring-loaded into place) now would be the time." Darla shakes her head: "Don't do this." Angel staring at the stakes: "What are you waiting for?" Jeeves: "For you, sir. I can't proceed without your permission. You've earned a choice. Accept your death so she may live or..." Angel yelling: "Or what?!" Jeeves: "Leave. - Refuse the challenge and walk away. No one will stop you. Our doors are all open to you. You've done that yourself." Angel: "What about Darla?" Jeeves: "Oh, she dies." Angel: "No deal." Jeeves: "I expected as much. A pity. I'm beginning to like you." Angel: "Spare me." Jeeves: "I'd very much like to. (Steps closer) Do you mind if I ask you a question? - Isn't the world a better place with you in it? You can save so many people. It seems - she can barely save herself." Angel doesn't answer. Darla has a tear in her eye. Jeeves: "You know better than anyone he world can be a very bad place. Take yourself out, put her in - how long will it be before she stumbles, before she falls?" Angel: "I don't know." Jeeves: "No - you don't. Are you still ready to give her life when she can promise you - nothing?" Angel looks him straight in the eye: "Yes." Darla licks her lips and swallows. Jeeves: "As you wish." Darla shakes her head: "No." Angel takes a deep breath: "Do it." Jeeves releases the stakes and they hurtle towards Angel. Darla flinches and screams: "No!" She squirms, her eyes closed. She opens them to see Angel in front of her, once again fully dressed but panting, hunched over, barely able to stand. Darla: "Angel!" Jeeves: "Congratulations. You've passed the third test - by accepting death. - I'm told no one's ever gone that far before - in terms of sacrifice. - Kudos." Angel: "Pay up." Jeeves: "Of course. (To Darla) You're a lucky woman, and soon you'll have your whole life ahead. - Use it wisely." Angel: "Hey, Jeeves, unless this fortune cookie crap is some new kind of torture, what you say we get on with it, huh?" Jeeves turns to Darla and motions for her to come closer: "This way, miss." He puts his hands on the sides of her head and they both close their eyes as Angel tries to straighten up so he can get a better view. Jeeves opens his eyes and lets his hands drop. Jeeves: "Oh." Darla: "What?" Angel: "What is it?" Jeeves: "This is - very embarrassing." Angel: "What is?" Jeeves: "Not to mention unprecedented. She's - she's been given new life once before - by supernatural means, yes?" Darla nods slightly: "They brought me back." Angel: "What are you saying?" Jeeves: "I can't help you." Angel: "We had a bargain. She's earned a second chance." Jeeves: "She's living her second chance. (The wall shivers and a set of stairs leading up appears) But you played the game magnificently. (Angel gives him a dark look and Jeeves adjusts his cuffs) Perhaps you should have told us that she was brought to life - before this all started. I truly *am* sorry, sir. The fact of the matter is (Steps back and dissolves) there is nothing I can do." Angel doesn't move. Darla: "Angel..." Suddenly Angel over turns the table with the refreshments. A demon guard tries to stop him and Angel hits him hard enough to send him flying into a wall, another guard comes up and Angel hits him, making him fall back onto the steps, then picks him up and throws him across the room. He picks up an urn and smashes it, then sweeps all the candles and stuff off a side table, then starts hitting his fist over and over against a stone pillar. The hits come slower and slower. Darla walks towards him as we see stone dust puff out from where he keeps hitting the pillar. Angel's knees give way and he slides down the pillar, resting his head against it. (Beautiful music btw.) Angel and Darla are sitting in her dingy motel room, Darla on the bed, Angel on a chair by the door. Angel: "Maybe it would be different. - We don't know. - Maybe, uh... because, you know, I have a soul - if-if I did bite you..." Darla: "No." Angel: "We don't know what it would do to you." Darla: "Angel, I've seen it now - everything you're going through, everything you've gone through. - I felt it. I felt how you care. The way no one's ever cared before - not for me. (Gives him a tiny smile) - That's all I need from you." Angel: "That's not enough." Darla: "It is." Angel: "How could the powers allow you to be brought back and dangle a second chance and take it away like this?" Darla: "Maybe this is my second chance." Angel: "To die?" Darla: "Yes. To die - the way I was supposed to die in the first place." They look at each other for a moment before Darla turns away drawing a shaky breath. Angel gets up and, still limping slightly, goes to sit next to her. Angel: "I'm not gonna leave you (Darla looks at him trying not to cry) every moment you have left - I'm gonna be by your side. - You're never gonna be alone again." He drapes his, still burned looking, right hand around her shoulder and pulls her close as she begins to cry. Suddenly the door bursts open, and a dark clad guy presses a sparking tazer against Angel's side, dropping him to the floor, while two other ones grab a hold of Darla. The first guy keeps tazering Angel, while a fourth tapes his hands behind his back. Lindsey walks in, grabs a hold of Angel's hair and pulls his head up. Lindsey: "How did you think this would end?" Drusilla wearing a low cut, red dress, glides into the room and over to where the two guys are holding Darla. Darla struggles but can't get free. Angel watches helplessly as Dru morphs into vamp face, brushes the hair away from Darla's neck and bites her. As Lindsey watches, Darla slides down onto the bed and Dru sits down next to her. Looking at Angel, Dru scratches a bloody line across her breast then picks Darla up and presses her mouth over it, holding her like a suckling babe,as Angel watches, unable to do anything. FADE TO BLACK

Darla is informed from Lindsey and Holland that there was an unfortunate side effect to her rebirth. Angel, learning of Darla's terminal condition, embarks on a mission to save her. Lorne directs Angel to a challenge which might restore Darla's health but at the cost of his life. Angel completes the challenge but Darla cannot be saved again because of her previous resurrection. Feeling broken, Angel tries to comfort Darla in her final stage until Lindsey shows up with an unexpected visitor.

fd_New_Girl_01x01

fd_New_Girl_01x01_0

SCENE: The apartment, a close up of Jess, sat on a sofa facing Nick, Schmidt and Coach. JESS: So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like "Oh my god, there's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on in the dark", and you're like "what is your problem? Call the police", and she's like "okay" but it's too late because she's already getting murdered. Well, er, my story's kind of like that. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK - "Two Weeks Ago" - Jess is in a taxi, on the phone to Cece, her best friend. JESS: It's a surprise for Spencer. I'm just gonna walk in and I'm gonna drop my coat on the ground. He says he had this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, and he's helping me put myself through college. CECE: He didn't say the college part, did he? JESS: Um, no, I wanted to create a three-dimensional s*x character. CECE: Really? What's your stripper name? JESS: Uh... Rebecca Johnson? CECE: Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson? JESS: Boobies Johnson. Two-boobs Johnson. CECE: Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. I am so proud of you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Spencer's House - Jess enters through the front door, wearing nothing but a coat. JESS: Hellooo? I came home early. SPENCER: (Steps out of a room, surprised, wearing nothing but his underwear.) Jess. What- JESS: Who's Jess? You're talking to...Tiger Boobs. (Jess takes off her coat and drops it on the ground, now completely naked.) SPENCER: Oh... JESS: (Jess picks up a pillow, covers herself and starts dancing seductively a bit and sings a little stripper tune.) (Singing) I'm doing sexy things (starts trotting to the side) with the pillow. SPENCER: This- JESS: (While shaking a plant, singing) I''m doing sexy stuff to the plant right here... (The plant falls over, making a mess.) SPENCER: Woah, okay. JESS: (Singing) I'll pick that up later. JESS: (Turns around, singing) Who's that girl? (Louder) Who's that girl? (Spins back around) It's Jess! (Another girl stands by Spencer in her underwear) SPENCER: Um... (Jess stands and stares in absolute shock.) Close up of a ribbon dropping to the floor that was previously covering Jess' lady parts. Flashback End. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Back in the apartment. JESS: So, that happened. That's why I need a new apartment. I'm sorry, what was the question again? (We now see Nick, Schmidt and Coach sat opposite Jess on the other sofa. They're all staring at her, speechless.) NICK: Do you have any pets? [SCENE_BREAK] OPENING CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Everyone remains where they were before the opening credit. JESS: You know what's funny? When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women. SCHMIDT: (Nick, Schmidt and Coach laugh and joke a bit, Schmidt suddenly turns serious) Why would you think that? That's crazy. I mean, what- NICK: Schmidt wrote the ad. JESS: Oh. I guess it was something about the words you used. It was like, er, like "sun-soaked" and "beigey". NICK: (Nick and Coach laugh more, Schmidt takes off his top) What are you doing? COACH: Wow. SCHMIDT: What about these? These look beigey to you? NICK: I'm sorry. COACH: I'm his trainer so, er, it's kind of the house that coach built right here. (Coach slaps Schmidt's abs and rubs them a bit) NICK: What are we looking at here? That's baby smooth. SCHMIDT: This is LLS. Ladies Love Schmidt. COACH: What!? What did you just say? Go put a dollar in the jar right now. (There is a jar sat on a table with the label "DOUCHEBAG JAR") SCHMIDT: Are you serious? COACH: Yeah! Now. SCHMIDT: Dammit. (He gets up and walks out of shot, putting a dollar in the douchebag jar on his way) NICK: LLS, what is wrong with you? JESS: (Now standing) This place is beautiful. It gets so much light. Spencer hated light. It's hard to say his name. SCHMIDT: It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped. NICK: (Sniggering) Dumped. Yeah, I got dumped. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK - A restaurant, Nick and his ex-girlfriend, Caroline are sat at a table. NICK: (With hands over his hears, shouting over Caroline) I can't hear you, that means we're not breaking up! We can't break up if I can't hear you! No! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la! CAROLINE: (While Nick is shouting) I need a break. Yes, we're breaking up. I'm breaking up with you. I need some time away- [SCENE_BREAK] END FLASHBACK - Back in the apartment NICK: Yeah, I got dumped. She dumped. And I'm over it. Okay, it was six months ago, guys. Get past it. I don't even know why we're still talking about it. Why's everybody looking at me? (He puts his head in his hands. Suddenly Nick, Schmidt and Coach approach Jess, who is in the kitchen now, they stand on the opposite side of a counter) JESS: You know what, I want to live here. NICK: Actually, I still have some questions. I mean, like, no offence but we barely know ya. JESS: Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full disclosure, I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the break-up so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing at least 6 or 7 times... a day. (Coach shakes his head slightly, looks and is disgusted) JESS: Um, I'm a teacher so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, stuff like that. Also, I like to sing to myself - a lot. (Singing) A lot... I'm tired of living with my friend. She's a model. All her friends are models. SCHMIDT: (Excited) Er, how soon can you move in? NICK: Actually, Schmidt, slow down. COACH: Not happening. SCHMIDT: Okay, um, can you give us a second? I've just gotta.. (Thumping his chest) I gotta talk to my boys. NICK: "My boys" is not a thing in here. SCHMIDT: My bros. NICK: Okay, Douchebag Jar. SCHMIDT: Come on, you're my bros. [SCENE_BREAK] TIME JUMP - The apartment - Nick, Schmidt and Coach are in the bathroom talking. SCHMIDT: I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. Okay, you guys? Models. COACH: I say no. I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, and let my beans out. Let 'em breathe. SCHMIDT: Nick, it's all you, buddy. NICK: Well, first, let me say I think you guys make some really interesting points. Points that I respect, but I will say this. I have lived with a woman, Caroline, as you guys know, and so I know that there are pros and I know that there are real cons, guys. COACH: Nick, you're weak! NICK: Okay, Pros: they smell nice. Cons: every once in a while, the mood changes and you're not sure why. They'll ruin your life if you let 'em, they'll break down your will to live. Pros: they're really good at folding. COACH: Make a decision! NICK: I'm sorry, you know what? But, like, another pro, like when you- SCHMIDT: Don't do it, put it down. Coach: Don't. NICK: I got it. (Puts a hood on and slowly pulls it over his face) SCHMIDT: Don't hood me. Please don't hood me. Okay. NICK: I know what I'm talking about. COACH: We pushed him too hard. SCHMIDT: We did push him too hard. How about this? Executive decision, she's in. JESS: (Out of shot) Yay, I'm in! (Schmidt walks over and opens the bathroom door. Jess is stood there.) JESS: You are not gonna regret this. [SCENE_BREAK] TIME JUMP - The apartment - Jess sits alone on the floor watching Dirty Dancing, crying her eyes out, she is surrounded by used tissues and wrappers. Nick, Schmidt and Coach stare from a difference. NICK: What have you done, Schmidt? (Coach stares at Schmidt, who shrugs like whaaat?) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The apartment - Jess lies on a sofa watching Dirty Dancing, it's still quite messy around her, she's on the phone to her mother. JESS: I gotta go, mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. (Nick enters.) JESS: No, I don't think so. (To Nick) Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet? NICK: Yes, I am. JESS: He says no. (Schmidt and Coach enter, they've been working out.) JESS: No, look, I gotta go, okay? Alright, love you. Bye. SCHMIDT: So the Wild West party's on Saturday. I'm trying to get us in but you may need to call Caroline. NICK: (Quickly) I'm not calling Caroline. SCHMIDT: Hear me out. (Nick shushes Schmidt and puts his hand on Schmidt's mouth.) JESS: (Singing along with Dirty Dancing) ... had the time of my life. NICK: (Pointing at Jess) We are in this situation because of you. JESS: (Jess begins punching the sofa/pillows in the background) I hate your face, Spencer, I love you! NICK: It has been a week of this madness. I am going crazy, Schmidt, I can't take it. COACH: You know what? I got this. (He walks over to Jess and sits on the coffee table opposite her) JESS: Hi, Coach. COACH: (Firmly) Stop it. Stop! (Jess starts wailing even louder than before) COACH: Schmidt! SCHMIDT: Okay. Alright. I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out. Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. (TV turning off sound) Alright. Alright, hey, Jess. (Jess just points at the TV) How you doing? (Jess shrugs like 'put the tv back on') You look fantastic. Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? You know after work. You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take you out. We'll get you a rebound. JESS: A rebound? SCHMIDT: Yeah. JESS: I don't know if I'm ready. SCHMIDT: You're totally ready for it, I'll take you through the whole thing. You know, I'll be like your guide! JESS: Like Gandalf through Middle-earth? SCHMIDT: Probably not like...okay, first of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references, let's put 'em in a deep, dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever. JESS: Except Smeagol, (whispering) he lives in a cave. SCHMIDT: You know what, Jess? Come on. Let's just take the head off the couch. Come on. Sit up, girl. (Jess sits up straight) Look at that, doesn't that feel good? There we go. JESS: I think that sounds nice. (Singing) She's going out to find a rebound. Who's that girl? It's Jess! NICK: Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself? SCHMIDT: (After some hesitation) I'm a...I'm a fix it. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Schmidt dressed in a suit is chasing Nick down the corridor of the apartment. NICK: I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party. (Nick is walking down the corridor with a towel over his shoulder Schmidt following behind.) SCHMIDT: This party is everything to me, please Nick. We go every year, you have no idea what I'm going through at work. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK - Schmidt in a meeting room, addressing a table of women. SCHMIDT: (Shouting over the noise of protesting women) I am just trying to do my work. I'm just trying to do a good job, here. WOMAN: Nice tie, can I borrow a tampon? (Teasingly, laughter in the background.) [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK END - Schmidt shudders at the memory. Nick and Schmidt are in the bathroom, whilst Jess is in the shower. NICK: Schmidt, I'm not calling her. SCHMIDT: Listen to me, knowing every year that I will be going to the Waa Waa West Charity Auction for poverty reminds me that I'm still a man, and I can still motorboat a hot girl who is also a member of the Chiriqu nation, which is not racist because it is for a good cause. JESS: (From inside the shower) Somebody's in here. SCHMIDT: We're leaving in ten minutes, did you shave your legs? JESS: I will now. SCHMIDT: Front and backs? JESS: Yes. SCHMIDT: Thank you. NICK: (Quietly) Ok, I'm gonna kill myself now. SCHMIDT: Just call Caroline, you call her all the time when you're drunk. NICK: (Feigning innocence) I don't know to what you are referring. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK - A drunk Nick is on the sofa with a beer on the phone, leaving a drunken voicemail on her phone NICK: (In a very bad British accent, swigging beer) Hello, Caroline. I still love you, so much. (Starts to sob) So, much. (Puts his head in his hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK END - In the bathroom NICK: I'm not calling her. JESS: (Pulls back shower curtain and gets out, wearing a bright pink swimsuit) Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, but wouldn't it be better to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat, then maybe if you're super lucky, you find a girl who'll motorboat you right back. NICK: (Smirking) I don't think she knows what motorboating is. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Jess's bedroom - with the door open. Jess is wearing a blue robe, whilst staring at her clothe- scattered bed, deciding what to wear. SCHMIDT: (From another room) Jess, we are leaving in five. COACH: (Walks in to the room with a basketball) Hey. JESS: (Holding a curling iron in her hair, turns around) Hey Coach, wha-- COACH: (Smashes an ornament with his basketball) Sorry. Uh, my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, which is ridiculous... [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK - Coach in a gym, with a women who is on an exercise bike, she is upset because he is shouting at her. COACH: SPIN WOMAN, SPIN! AHHHHHHH! WOMAN: I'm spinning! You are so mean! (Sobbing) COACH: I'M NOT MEAN, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU! [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK END - Back in Jess's room COACH: So I was wondering if you could, uh, help me out with that. JESS: Sure, sure. Absolutely. (Sits down on the edge of her bed) Um, well, first of all, maybe think about what women like to talk about, you know, like, use me for practice. COACH: Alright, uh, um, (clears throat) shopping, is that fun for you guys? JESS: Yeah, shopping's fun. Uh, the other day I bought a pair of jeggings, they look like jeans but they're really leggings. COACH: Uh, uh, you-, I-. Who cares!? Sorry. JESS: (Nods) Uhm, good job. Uh, a couple of things you could work on, uh 1. Lowering your voice. COACH: Right on. JESS: Uhm, 2. Listening. (Her hair begins to smoke) 3. Rage. (Smokes a bit more.) COACH: Absolutely. JESS: Uhm, 4.-- COACH: Your hair is on fire. (She frowns at him and then glances to the side.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: In the bar, where Nick works as a bartender. He is serving the gang drink whilst they are at a table. NICK: Beers, and a rose. JESS: Pink wines makes me, slutty. (A 'cute' guy walks by) JESS: Woah, cute guy alert. (does silly stuff with her glasses whilst making noises whilst Schmidt shakes his head and Coach and Nick glance at each other) SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess, gametime. Let's do this. If you wanna forget about Spencer (she nods) you're gonna have to do some very very bad things, (points) with that man, right over there. JESS: (glances to look at the man) How bad? SCHMIDT: Real bad, Jess. Real bad. JESS: Like a, make-out sess, no tops? SCHMIDT: (Losing the will) Okay, this is what- this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him and you're gonna smile. (she smiles a little creepily) But, you're not gonna smile like that. (Pulls a weird kind of rabbit/chipmunk smile) That looks like a, hungry badger. Pulls the same face but tries to smile as well) COACH: Stop that. JESS: Okay, I got this, I got this. SCHMIDT: You got this. You got it. Just go make it out. COACH: Get 'em up! Ride 'em out! Go do it. Ride 'em out! Huhah! (they both stand watching as she walks up to the man) JESS: (Walks up to the side of him, pulls a pose with her hands on her hips and leans over) Hey, sailor. (He glances at her, and then looks back away) COACH: Oh. Alright. SCHMIDT: Alright. COACH: That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that. SCHMIDT: You can come back from that. COACH: Maybe he didn't hear that. SCHMIDT: It's all good. BENJAMIN: (Noticing it was Schmidt) HOLY SCHMIDT, IT'S SCHMIDT! (Walks towards Schmidt) SCHMIDT: Oh, it is all about the Benjamin! Wassup?! (Share a man hug) Alright, P-Funk, what's up dude? This is Coach. BENJAMIN: What's up Coach? (Falters when Coach doesn't reply) You like parties? COACH: Don't talk to me. (Walks away) BENJAMIN: Yeah, okay. SCHMIDT: You know who likes to party hard, right? BENJAMIN: Yeah, so you coming on Saturday, I here there's gonna be some fine ladies there? SCHMIDT: Uh, maybe, yeah. I heard it's not gonna be that good this year. No? BENJAMIN: Are you not on the list? SCHMIDT: Man, I'm on the list, you know that. BENJAMIN: Ohhh. That sucks man. Keep your head up, alright? SCHMIDT: Alright, player. Do your thing man, it was good seeing you. Alright, man, P-Funk, always. (Walks over to the bar where, Coach, Nick and Jess are) Nick, please. NICK: (Leaning over the bar) Why are you friends with those guys? SCHMIDT: Nick, please get me in the party, I'm begging you, please. NICK: No, I'm not calling Caroline. SCHMIDT: Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? Do you have any idea? (Coach gets up and leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: At the bar, Jess is sitting, eating a meal with a glass of wine, talking to Nick who is working at the bar. JESS: Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy. NICK: I don't think you're trying that hard. JESS: Well, I've never been, great at this stuff, so... (bites on a celery stick) [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK - At someone's home, young Jess is sitting on a chair playing her guitar and singing to a small group of people at a party. JESS: (Singing) What if God was one of us? BOY: God, make it stop! (Puts his hands over his ears) JESS: (Singing) Just a slob like one of us? [SCENE_BREAK] END OF FLASHBACK - At the bar, with Nick and Jess JESS: Looks at us, couple of losers, we both got dumped, jeesh. NICK: (Shaking his head) I'm fine. Six months ago so... JESS: Do you know why she dumped you? I mean she must've hurt you pretty bad.. NICK: No, no, it made no difference to me, I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire. JESS: So are you always just like wondering, like, what was it, was there something I could've done differently? (he shakes his head) Do you know what happens to people who keep it all inside? They get old, and they get sad and they get weird and then you're the old man yelling at the kids who are running across your yard and you're telling them 'Don't run across my yard, my life's full of regret'. You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen. NICK: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time. JESS: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time. NICK: No, I was being mean, I'm not gonna do that, Jess. JESS: Why not?! It's fun! NICK: Because I have a pen1s, Jess. JESS: (Singing in an old man's voice) My name is Nick, I have a pen1s and I'm not gonna let any feelings out. NICK: (Leaning forward) Okay Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings. JESS: Yeah, I know. PETER: (P-FUNK) Hey, I'm Peter. What are you drinking? JESS: Oh, I'll have another pink wine. (Nick begins to walk away, taking out his phone) PETER: I like your glasses, JESS: They help me see. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: At a table, Jess and Peter are chatting and laughing, being observed by Schmidt and Coach. COACH: She's doing alright. BENJAMIN: (Walking up to Schmidt and Coach) Schmidt stain! Hey man. I was thinking that it's probably best that you don't come to the party, that means more breast for me. (Laughs) SCHMIDT: (Standing up) You better step down son, you're taking this whole thing too far. Hold me back Coach, I'm seri-. Hold me back. Hold me back! Coach, would you please hold me back. NICK: (Walking up to him from the other side of the bar) Schmidt, we're going to the party, relax. BENJAMIN: Nice, see you there Schmidtty! (Walks away) SCHMIDT: Ah, totally, Broseph. NICK: Yeah I texted Caroline. COACH: You text Caroline? NICK: (Nods) It's no big deal, it's behind me. It's in the past so.. SCHMIDT: Thank you, I love you, (hugs him) very, very much. NICK: Yeah...Did you just kiss my arm a little? SCHMIDT: Yeah I did, it felt right. PETER: (Walking with Jess) So I'll see you tomorrow, sailor. (Walks away) JESS: Yeah, cool. I'll call--, cool. NICK: So what's happening tomorrow, sailor? JESS: You know what, you guys were totally right. I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound s*x and it totally worked. He asked me out. Dinner, with food. Oooh oooh. SCHMIDT: I'm so proud of you. (Hugs her) COACH: You got it girl. SCHMIDT: You did good. COACH: You got it down. (High fives her) JESS: (With her hands in the air) It's Jess, she's on (sings) fiiiirrreee! (Backs away at the same time, starts dancing and all the guys groan because as she turns, they notice her top is tucked in her panties) COACH: Big ass panties. NICK: Alright, shall we tell her? SCHMIDT: I'll think we'll let her have her moment. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: At the apartment, Cece is sitting on the couch in a low cut dress, with all the guys staring at her, whilst she waits for Jess. CECE: Do the shoes fit , Jess? JESS: (Hears a thump) I'm okay! COACH: What are you, a model or something? CECE: Yeah. Yes. Mostly print right now... so. SCHMIDT: What is it? Cece? Cecelia? Chechelia? Tell me what are your hopes and dreams? Are you warm? I'm a little, huh, I'm a little warm right now. (Begins to take off his t-shirt) NICK: Don't, Schmidt. COACH: All right. SCHMIDT: (Finishes taking off his shirt) Oh yeah. There it is. (Breathes deeply an flexes) CECE: (Unfazed) Please put your shirt back on. Please don't make me laugh at you. SCHMIDT: Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Ahhh. Oh my God. How good is that, for real, whaat? A little Peaman tea? Yum, right? Hot, sweet, a little teabag action. And I wasn't, I wasn't talking about... NICK: (Reaching over to grab the douchebag jar) There it is. Douchebag. CECE: Listen to me you guys, Jess is by far the best person that I know, so if you guys let anything happen to her, I'm gonna come here, and crazy murder you. SCHMIDT: I'm gonna be honest with you. I did not hear a word you just said 'cause I can kinda see your party hats right now. NICK: (Reaching over for the jar again) Here we go. CECE: Jess! (Gets up and walks off) NICK: (Schmidt deposits another dollar into the douchebag jar) Why are you talking like this? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Opening Jess' door, Cece sees Jess, sprawled on the floor. JESS: I fell off my heels. CECE: Okay. Alright. No. Come on. (Kneels to pull Jess up) Get up. JESS: Oh, what am I doing? I can't go on a date, what if it's horrible, what if I have nothing to talk about? CECE: Then you go to the bathroom and you call me and you tell me all about it. JESS: Maybe I just shouldn't go. CECE: Babe, you got hurt, that doesn't mean you stop trying. Okay? JESS: (Mumbles something and nods) CECE: Okay. Let's go, come on. (Both stand up and look at what she's wearing) You gotta take off those overalls. JESS: I was going for, like a, like a hot farmer's daughter kinda thing, you know like. (Puts on a voice) Oh, I'm to go milk my cows, with my bucket. CECE: Take 'em off. JESS: Okay, what am I going to wear? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: All the guys are sitting doing things when Cece walks out in Jess's overalls with a proud smile on her face. Nick looks up and Cece motions for Jess to appear. COACH: (Jess walks out and gets Coach and Schmidt's attention.) Wow! JESS: (Nick smiles, Jess smiles) Thanks, Coach. (Then she starts doing a rave dance with rave music.) SCHMIDT: And then she does that. JESS: I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm heading over. NICK: Wait, have you been texting him? JESS: Yeah, is that bad? NICK: (Pauses and shakes his head) No. (Smiles slightly) It's nice. Have a good night. JESS: This gonna be great. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: At a very A-List club, there is really loud music and a large que of people outside, waiting to get in. SCHMIDT: Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian. COACH: Look man, I got your back, you gotta have mine too. NICK: Coach, I got your back. COACH: No, Nick. I wanna hear it from him. SCHMIDT: Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts. NICK: S'cuse me, is er, Caroline, I'm looking for Caroline, we're supposed to be on some list? CAROLINE: Hey, Nick. (Waves) NICK: Sorry, I'm wearing this stupid thing. Schmidt made me do it. Thank you so much for getting us in. CAROLINE: Yeah, no problem. Um, maybe to pay me back you can stop prank calling me. NICK: What? CAROLINE: Uh, (puts on some kind of accent pretending to be Nick's voicemail) Hello Caroline, I still loves you I do. NICK: Yeah, you gotta figure that out, some crazy person's calling you. You look nice, it's good to see you. CAROLINE: Um, I think I'm almost finished out here if you, do you wanna go, grab a drink? NICK: Yeah. CAROLINE: Yeah? NICK: Sure, yeah let's, you and I just get a drink. CAROLINE: Let's get a drink. NICK: Let's be normal about it. CAROLINE: Okay. NICK: Actually, hold on, I'm sorry. I just, I have to ask you something so that, one day, I'm not an old man filled with regret, but why did you dump me? CAROLINE: Um, do, okay, are we doing this here, like now? NICK: (Sighs) Yeah, why did you dump me? CAROLINE: Um. Honestly I, I didn't even realize that you cared about me until we broke up. NICK: Okay. Let's get that drink. BENJAMIN: (In a western accent) Get along little doggy. Well howdy there, muchachos. NICK: (Walking over notices Peter) Hey, where's Jess? PETER: Oh, dude, she texted me like seven times. Like long ones. I just wanna hook up. NICK: So's she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her? PETER: Yeah, that's what I did, I called her. (Laughs with Benjamin) BENJAMIN: See you inside, Schmidt. CAROLINE: Nick, you wanna get that drink? NICK: No, I gotta go help a friend, Caroline. (Starts walking away with Coach.) SCHMIDT: (Holding up his hands in front of them) Nonononononono, guys, this is the party of the year, guys this is our night, this is our night! COACH: (They keep walking) I'm going with Nick, man, you coming? SCHMIDT: I thought you guys were my boys? NICK: You're boys is not a thing, Schmidt, stop. (starts running) We're coming Jess! SCHMIDT: (Stands there mulling it over. Sees a 'hot' Indian dressed girl waving and jumping up and down, with big boobs. Bites his knuckle, thinking about it) Uhh. (runs after them) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: In the restaurant, Jess is waiting to meet Peter for her date, a waitress approaches. JESS: Do you have anything, else that is, free, but also has bread in it, because the, the like good bread I ate and uh, all that's left is a, it's like a, it's kind of like a health bread? WAITRESS: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table. JESS: Um, can I please just stay, just a little bit longer? NICK: WE'RE HERE! (Running in with the guys) Yup, we're here, Jess! We're here. SCHMIDT: We're here for the date, the date thing. WAITRESS: (Shocked) You're all here, for the date? NICK: Yeah we are. We're her boyfriends. We are reversed mormons, one man just isn't enough for her. WAITRESS: Ohhkay. (Walks away) NICK: Hey, Jess, that guys was a jerk, he's a clown. JESS: (Getting all emotional) You guys missed your party to come here and, to see me? NICK: Yeah, we uh, we care about you. We like you. JESS:That's so nice. (Sniffles) COACH: What is that? NICK: Don't start crying. COACH: Come on. JESS: (Crying) It's cool. It's very very cool. NICK: Come on, Jess, come on. COACH: Stop it! NICK: Coach, shut up. It's okay, hey, don't cry. (Singing, badly) For I've had the time of my life. (Jess looks up) COACH: What is he doing? NICK: And I've never felt this way before. Yes it's true. Na na na na na, and it's (hits Coach so he starts to sing/mumble) something something something, something something. COACH: There's bears, in my house and it goes like this. NICK: (Over Coach) And it's the something that you really really have. SCHMIDT: I'm not uh, I'm not doing any of this. (Nick hits him and he starts singing whilst the others mumble in the background) Just remember, you're the one thing, I can't get enough of. (They stop briefly and she laughs, they keep mumble singing random words getting louder, and then sing the chorus really badly.) All of them, including Jess: I've had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you. NICK: What time is it!!?? ALL OF THEM: I've had the time of my life- WAITRESS: [Walks up to them] Hey, you have to leave now, all of you! (They walk out singing really loudly, Jess grinning from ear to ear) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The gang is on the sofa, watching the end of Dirty Dancing. NICK: You're right Jess, this movie's pretty good. JESS: Seriously, thank you guys for tonight, that was really cool. SCHMIDT: Listen Jess, I know you've had a rough go with it, I just want you to know, that, I mean for me at least, no matter what, I would still totally do you. JESS: Aww, that's so sweet. SCHMIDT: Yeah, absolutely. JESS: Jar! SCHMIDT: Yeah. NICK: Yeah, jar.

Jessica "Jess" Day ( Zooey Deschanel ) comes home to find her partner cheating on her with another woman. Heartbroken over it, she splits up with him and moves into a loft apartment with three young single men, Schmidt ( Max Greenfield ), Nick ( Jake Johnson ) and Coach ( Damon Wayans, Jr. ) - whom she meets though an Internet ad. The guys try their best to get her out of the apartment and back into the dating life with the help of Jess' best friend Cece ( Hannah Simone ). They end up with more than they expect when they find themselves truly caring for her as a friend.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_04x21

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_04x21_0

Ted is in McClaren's number and its exchange with a woman. Ted: Super. So I'll call you. Woman: I hope so. The woman leaves and Ted joins Barney, Marshall and Robin at their usual table. Marshall: Look at this. Ted: I had the number of that girl. Look. Holly. Barney: Owl. The girls with a name ending in LY are dirty.Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily. Marshall: Yeah, it's true. Barney: And not to mention the girls with names ending in I instead of a Y. These girls are like rides. You make the long tail, but once inside, you hold on, hoping not to lose your keys. Ted: You know what I'm going to do? I'll call on. I will do "you remember me? It's been a ". It's funny because I just saw. Barney: You can not. You must wait three days before calling.This is the rule. Ted: This rule is completely outdated. They know exactly what you do. I have another rule. It's a bit crazy, but I call it, "you like him, you call him." Barney: Sorry. Can you repeat that? I do not mean the I-fuck-ever. Ted: My rule of three days, it is anything. Who invented it? Barney: Jesus. Marshall: Barney, do not do that. Not with Jesus. Barney: Seriously. Jesus began this thing for three days. He waited three days to return to life. It was perfect. If he had waited one day we would not have known he was dead! They would have said: "Jesus, are you? "And Jesus would probably have said," You okay? I died yesterday! "And they would say:" You have the air alive, man. " And they should explain his resurrection. And the miracle. And then the guy would say, "Okay, whatever you want, dude." Robin: The dialogues seem pompous old now. Barney: And he will not come back on a Saturday. Everyone is busy doing chores. Weave, cut the beard. No. It looked exactly the right number of days... Three. Ted: I promise, I'll wait three days. Stop talking. Barney: And it's Sunday, they are all already in the church.They are all there, "No, Jesus died." Then, bam! He burst through the door, crossed the aisle, everyone is excited. And by the way, that's where he invented the "tope there! "3 days.We wait three days to call a woman because it is the time that Jesus wants us to wait. True story. GENERIC Ted: Okay. I promise. I will call not before three days. Ted is in the apartment. Ted (2030): But I said nothing about texting. I started with something pretty and charming. "I thought about you, then, I thought you send a text message piti." By pressing send, I realized that it was not at all charming. That was the thing that sucks the most anyone has told someone. And the worst with texting, is that once sent... can not recover them. And then...(23 minutes later...) you wait. And just when you decided to never again send a text message... (His phone rings) "I thought you too, it's crazy that you send me a text when I'm in my bath." Holly is in her bath with her phone and Robin leaves his room. Robin: What was that? Ted: What? Robin: You made a noise. Ted: This is my laptop, a text message. Robin: Not that. You made the sound of the naked girl. Ted: What? Robin: When you see a naked girl, you make noise. Ted: That's not true. Robin: Really? Flashback Ted enters the bathroom, but once spring. Ted: Sorry, Lily. Ted and Robin are watching TV. Voice: While the men hunt, women of the Korowai tribe native wash their clothes in the river. They are now in the museum. Ted: It's a breast. End flashback Robin: This is Holly who writes to you? You're not promised to wait three days? Ted: To call. Texting, it's different. Robin: Okay, just try to proclaim your sound of the naked girl. Ted: I make no noise. Robin: Really? She opens her robe and went to the bathroom while Ted is the "noise". Ted (2030): Holly and I, we had sent text messages until 2am.And all the next day, too. It seemed perfect. Ted: Holly just told me what she wears. It's pretty exciting. Robin: Whatever it is, I guarantee you she do not wear it. She lies to please you. Ted: How do you know? Robin: Because no woman in history has never, "asked to read architectural magazines in my old... uniform cheerleader. " Ted: Okay, maybe she's lying on the architectural magazines.No. This is bad. Robin: What? Ted: She just sent me a message clearly intended for someone else. Robin: "Baby, I got to eat at Generro. I come home soon. "Yes, it sounds bad, but thinking a little. It is perhaps for his brother or father who is ill. Ted: Come down. Robin: "And then I want to... you to take me on the couch."Maybe not a sick father. Father or a really sick... Right? Sorry. Robin joins Marshall and Barney at the bar. Robin: Hi guys! What is it? Marshall: A meal that I Generro back to Lily. Robin: Bizarre. Holly sent a message to Ted talking about a meal Generro. A second. Band of bastards! Barney: What? Robin: You are Holly! So Ted did not send messages to Holly? He sent to you? Barney: We knew he would try to call three days before, so I took his cell phone and changed his number from mine. Marshall: We wanted to call the chopper too early, but then he... sent text messages. Flashback Marshall and Barney are at the bar. Barney: "Piti texting"? Marshall: Poor, little Ted. It should... He should say it estnous. Barney: Yeah. Or... it pretends to Holly and we are in the bath. Marshall: It's better. It was funny. He should say that it is us. Barney: It should. Or... it is said that red is our favorite color and found the look "cowboy" sexy. Marshall: It's better. Ted was at the apartment in a bathrobe and cowboy boots. Ted: I wear them right now and they are very sexy. Barney: He put the boots! Marshall: He bluntly put! It was great! But it's time to tell him that he wears. Barney: Or... we remove our shirts. Marshall: It's better. Barney: Maybe that door below, a black bra with lace. Marshall: I believe that wearing anything underneath. Barney: It is hot. Marshall: There, he wears only cowboy boots! Here we go! Barney: Too! Tell him we slowly drag our... What do we do? Marshall: I think we'll... have s*x with Ted. End flashback Robin: You did this all day? This is wicked. Marshall: No, actually it was for his good. It protects it from itself. He really likes this girl. He had that look. Barney: The crazy eyes, "I'm going too fast and I will f*ck up everything." Marshall: The same he had with you the first time. Barney: We all know what it gave. Flashback Ted dances with Robin. Ted: I'm in love with you. Robin: What? End flashback Robin: I was a single case. This is not Holly Robin Scherbatsky. What is wrong with her hair? News Flash: detangling, it exists for not having a helmet. I'm so mean. Marshall: It's been that Ted did not like someone. He stored much... We thought him to say "I love you" when he contacted her. Barney: And it's coming. It shows all the telltale signs. Marshall: First: he jokes with the marriage. Barney: "You like architecture? We should get married. Ha-ha.MDR. Just kidding. So what? " Marshall: Deuzio: it's far too early suggestions crazy travel. Barney: "I like beer. We should go to Germany. MDR. JP.MDR. " Marshall: Third: it says too early personal things. Barney: "My parents divorced two years there. It was really hard. MDR. " Robin: And he really knows not what means MDR. Marshall: Yeah, but that's the problem. Ted did not say "I love you" as easily as we thought. Barney: And then we met Stan. Flashback Marshall and Barney are still at the bar texting. Stan: Why do you so much noise? End flashback Marshall: So, he explained everything and once finished, there was something fascinating. Flashback Stan: Why not say you know it's there, thinking of you, concerned about you, and you feel safe? Your fears, your past disappear. And that the only hope is the promise of a hug. End flashback Robin: Super Stan. Who is it? Barney: A guard who works nights. Marshall: He eats here every day. Barney: And he had not finished. Marshall: Far from it. Flashback Stan: I thank God for every mistake I made, because each of them told me the path that led me to you. Marshall: It's... really nice. Barney: No matter. It's OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Ted sits at the apartment to read a text message. Holly: "And when, finally, we will be together, I want you to enlaces. " Stan: Hug me all night. Stroking my hair. Tell me I'm a woman and show me that you are a man. Until there is now. You and me... and now. Marshall: You want me to send it to Ted. I knew it. Holly: "I do not ask someone to explain the night. I wait and it envelops me. And you're like bread, light and shadow. " Stan: This is Pablo Neruda. Marshall: I do not know... what comes to the bread here, but it touches me... here... and here. Barney: Well, if Ted does not say, I will. I love you. Stan: That's cool. Still nothing? Marshall: It is perhaps not in love with us. Barney: How is this possible? It's all there waiting! Marshall: I do not understand men. Stan: I go to work. Marshall: Do... you come back? Stan: I'll be back when the wind, destiny and luck will take me back. That is to say tomorrow. This is the day of the cheesesteak. End flashback Robin: That guy you fell in love. I hope his girlfriend is not jealous. He spoke of a friend or...? Barney: All was well until he sends a text message for Lily and ruins everything. Robin: It's okay. It's over now. I have to leave, but that's what happens: you call it now, tell him what you did and apologize.Got it? Barney: Yes. (Barney out of the bar) Or... Robin returned to the apartment. Ted: Holly explained everything to me, it was just a misunderstanding. All is well now. Robin: Really? How she explained the scope of texting? Ted: Apparently, his idiot friend of Marsha accidentally used his phone for a message to her husband Billy. Robin: Marsha and Billy. They are not trampled. Ted: And now I feel better than ever. It sounds crazy, but I think that I am attached to this girl. Robin: You cling to Barney and Marshall. Ted: What? Robin: They did not believe that you'd wait three days, so Barney has changed his number by that of his work laptop.Holly is Barney and Marshall. Ted: Wait. It was them all along? So Holly was not in his bath?Or sitting by the window, gazing at the stars thinking of me? Or on his couch cheerleader reading architecture magazines? Robin: I think they have done that. They were just at the bar. Ted: It's true. Robin: Yes, it was them. Ted: Incredible! Robin: I know. You should tell them that you are not fooled. Ted: Or... I send them a text message that will really confuse them. Robin: I see. Why not: "I have told anyone yet, but I only have three months to live"? Ted: Not bad. And: "I killed a man with a shovel, and those feelings resurface"? Robin: I love this thing someone said about three months to live. Ted: "I've never told anyone but I slept with the mother of my best friend. " Robin: It's good, but I think it comes down to trick the three months to live. Ted: Wait. I think I have. Marshall and Barney are in the latter's office. Marshall: He replied! "I probably should not tell you, finally, we barely knew, but never mind, I say it anyway. " Barney: That's it, man. This is the "I love you." Marshall: I would like Stan to be there. Barney: Stan. What? Marshall: "I sometimes have dreams about my gay best friend." Barney: "I sometimes have dreams about my gay best friend. " Marshall: Ted Why send text messages to a girl he barely knows, where he says he dreams about me gay? Barney: Easy. You? He speaks clearly to me. Marshall: Dude, I'm his best friend. Barney: Okay, one: It has never been proven. Two: If anyone had any dreams about gays one of us would be on me! Finally, look at me. Now look at you. An octogenarian still in her closet would not be in this state. Marshall: That's the trick. I hug you, no. Who would not want to cuddle in this case, on Sunday morning? Wrapped in the quilt while it is raining, and there are muffins in the oven. I'm cuddly, bitch. You must do. Barney: I train every day. One thing we know about Ted is that he likes a nice body. This body would vibrate. Marshall: Ted and I, we lived. I know what he likes. There are things I can do it... he poustoufleraient Why do they sleep with Ted? Barney: I know. It's weird. Barney and Marshall are in McClaren's with Robin. Barney: Crazy, no? Ted had dreams about me gay. Marshall: And by "me", he means Marshall Eriksen, star of Ted's gay dreams. Robin: So what? So Ted has gay dreams about one of you. It's not as if he had three months to live. It would... Shocking, no? Marshall: Look at this guy. How is my best friend for 12 years? Ted: It's a bit weird, but... I had a strange dream yesterday. It's a bit embarrassing. Barney: You can tell us. This is a secure area. Marshall: Your feelings are quite natural. Ted: That's what happened. Ted (2030): And I wasted half an hour of life of these bastards, tell them about this dream where I dine with my top 5 best architects. Ted: Then at the end of the meal, Frank Gehry addition to the slides and IM Pei said, "Friend, tonight is your name I Paye."Buckminster Fuller was almost choking. And I woke up. Marshall: That's it? Barney: No more dreams? Nothing disturbing or erotic? Marshall: OK, what do you say that. You know that someday in the future, machines will rebel? Ted: Of course. Marshall: So, the machines... killed everyone. And there are only you, me, and Barney. Who among us would you... you? Ted: And.. why should I "make me" one of you? Barney: Machines force you. They want to watch. That's how they erupt. Ted: It's hard. I imagine it would be... Holly. Robin told me everything. That's why I invented everything. Guys, here is Holly. And I have not waited for your precious three days to call. I knew where she was working so I found. Let me ask you? It was too early? Holly: I loved that he called me right away. It's very romantic.And I do not assoies home to read architectural magazines uniformed cheerleader. I do it naked. Ted: Holly and I are going to dinner. Holly: I'll meet you outside. Holly leaves the bar. Marshall: Sorry. It was just trying to help you. Barney: And also, it was really funny. Ted: I do not need help, OK? I can look after myself. And yes, maybe some girls do not like to be called away or they may say too, but guess what? These are not good for me. Maybe the good is the one that loves me to do that, because... this is who I am and I will not change because of a stupid rule of the Three Days. Holly spells his name with an "I". Ted (2030): I had proved that the Rule of Three Days was wrong and I went out to dinner with a pretty girl. And so far, I have told anyone the truth about this hot date. Ted is the restaurant with Holly. Holly: It's funny! I also love indie music. We should get married. I laugh. Or not? I laugh again. That's it. We go to Brazil together! I saw my doctor this morning, he told me that everything was settled, so I can go. I think I love you. Ted (2030): Finally, I did not have to wait three days, but Holly should really have. Like many rules, sometimes you follow them and sometimes not. But I will say this. When I was your mother's number, I called immediately. Marshall and Barney are at the bar with Stan when Robin arrives. Stan: Hi, friends. Barney: You work right? Stan: I took leave. Marshall: Great! We can have fun! Stan: I can not. I have a date. Ready? Robin: Yes. Barney: What... Marshall: Wait. You can not just sit there and have your date with us? Barney: Yeah, it will be fun! Look, I'm kidding! It explodes! Do you like magic? Stan: Friends. It's time to say goodbye. We all shared a special afternoon and it's something I cherish. I will never forget you. Robin by the arm of Stan. Robin: You know their names? Stan: No. The large, this is Ted? Robin: No, it's Marshall. Married to Lily. Stan: OK. Do you like chicken wings?

When Ted breaks Barney and Marshall's "three days rule" by having a "text" relationship with a girl he just met, they play a cruel joke on him by pretending to be her.

fd_True_Blood_03x03

fd_True_Blood_03x03_0

Scene 1: Sookie's house - Sookie, Eric, biker Sookie shoots on the wolf but Eric receives the ball. Sookie: Eric! Wolf in his head: Holy sh1t. V. Eric: Stay back, Sookie. Don't shoot him. He knows. Sookie: He knows what? Eric: Who do you work for? Biker: Give me a taste, fucker. Come on. Eric: Who sent you? Biker: I-I can't--I can't talk. Eric: For the last time: Who is your master? Biker in his head: Think you can mad-dog me, you f*cking fanger? You got nothing on Jackson. Biker: If I tell you, I'm as dead as you are. You might as well kill me now. Eric: As you wish. (To Sookie) Oh. I got your rug all wet. Heh. Scene 2: Russell's house - Russell, Talbot, Lorena, Bill Russell: Oh, Lorena, Lorena. Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. Lorena: I'm fine. Russell: Come here. Lorena: I'll heal in a minute. Talbot: The Celtic tapestry was a gift from the lord of Glyndyfrdwy in 1387. Russell: We'll find a way to clean it up. Talbot: Hm. Russell: Or we'll put a planter or two in front of it and we'll hide the burn marks. Really, it's like Armageddon in here anytime someone chips a dessert glass. Okay, now if everyone could please leave me alone with Mr. Compton. We could all use a moment to let, um, cooler heads prevail. They all leave. Russell: This may be difficult for a Louisianan to understand, but in the kingdom of Mississippi, our appetite for unprovoked violence is nil. Fangs. You know, it was Miss Krasiki who recommended you. If we are to be working together, I suggest you learn to get along. Bill: You do Lorena's bidding now? Russell: Oh, that's what she thinks. But given your privileged standing with Queen Sophie Anne I'd rather have you for my own. Bill: Whatever lies Lorena has told you, she has motives of her own. Russell: I am well aware. She really is quite unsophisticated for someone so old. Do you know that she wanted me to make you watch while she killed your human? And speaking of, vampire to vampire... how much do you really love that human of yours? Why not turn her, as I turned Talbot centuries ago? Spend eternity together. Mm. That's a commitment. Bill: That is impossible. Russell: Well, the alternative is to subject her to the vicissitudes of mortality and to the mercy of forces, such as, for instance, me. Bill: Your Majesty, that is no choice. Russell: Of course it is. Is it your human's welfare you value or your own desire? You are a fraction of my age. One day you'll see you can't have both. Well, we're all a little frazzled by the worries of the day. Why don't you, uh... sleep on it? Fresh graves are ideal for disposing of an unwanted body. Scene 3: Cemetery - Sookie, Eric Eric: The ground's already disturbed, so no one would think to dig again. Sookie: So much for keeping him alive so we could question him. Eric: Well, that's what I was planning. Sookie: But then you saw his brand. Eric: Brings back many memories. Unpleasant ones. Sookie: If you'd given me a chance to listen to his thoughts-- Eric: You have no concept of how dangerous werewolves are.They're virtually silent. They have no fear of death. And when they've had a bit of our blood, their strength can be a challenge. Even for me. Sookie: Like I said, thanks for saving my life. How's your bullet wound? Eric: Well, it would have healed a lot faster if you had-- Sookie: I will never fall for that again. Eric: Maybe the next time you shoot me. I'll walk you back. Sookie: Do you know anyone named Jackson? It's the only thing I could make out. Maybe that's the person he's working for. Eric: Jackson is where he lives. He had a Mississippi accent. Can't you people tell the difference? Sookie: Oh, my God, he's from Jackson? Do you think that's where Bill is? Eric, we have to go, like yesterday. Eric: I can't. Not yet. The problems of the world consist of more than finding your missing boyfriend. You shouldn't go by yourself, either. These werewolves are looking for you. You're no good to Bill or to me if you're dead. Sookie: How can you expect me to sit around when we have a lead? Eric: It'll be morning by the time you get to Jackson. If you're planning on rescuing a vampire during daylight I have seriously overestimated your intelligence. At least take the day to think it over. Sookie: Fine. I'll leave tomorrow. But I have to go. Bill would do it for me. I don't expect you to understand. Eric: I understand very well. Sookie: If I do get into some kind of trouble, you'll feel it, right? How fast can you get to Mississippi? Eric: Probably not fast enough. Stay out of trouble, Miss Stackhouse. It'll do us both a favor. Scene 4: Motel room - Tara, Franklin Tara: Go, go. Go ahead. Bite me. Go on, f*cking do it. (He doesn't bite her) What the hell? I said you could bite me. Franklin: No. Tara: Why not? Franklin: Because you want me to. Scene 5: Micken's house - Tommy, Joe Lee, Sam, Melinda TV: Okay, here we go. Final table at Festa al Lago about to get under way. We started five days ago with 368 players. We are down to our final six. The winner today is gonna take home over $1 million. Sam comes in. Joe Lee: Whoa. Hey there. Uh. Wasn't expecting company. Tommy said you split. Oh, he told you that? Sam: He must have misheard. I'm not the kind to skip out on his own blood kin. Joe Lee: Course you ain't. Hey, Lindy. Sam's back. I'll go get her. Mama? Sam: I don't appreciate you trying to get me killed. Tommy: I don't appreciate you coming into my house like you belong here. I figured since we're related, you could keep up, but... Joe Lee: How the hell should I know? We never have guests. Melinda: Pull them off the bed. Come on. Melinda and Joe Lee come. Sam: Well, now, hold on, hold on, now. I just came over to say goodbye. I wasn't gonna stay the night. Melinda: We ain't letting you spend your money on no motel. Tommy: Mama, if he wants to stay in a motel, let him. Sam: No, I gotta get back to Bon Temps. Melinda: At this time of night? Sam: Yeah, well, I got my life back here just like you got yours here. I don't wanna intrude any more than I already have. Melinda: Joe Lee, down the sink. Joe Lee: Dadgum, I just cracked it open. Melinda: Down the sink. Jesus H. You ain't seen your son in over 30 years, and you can't cork it for one night? We ain't alcoholics. Joe Lee: Don't ever get married, Sam. The second you do, that's when they start to woman you. Melinda: I know it may not look like it, but we are just so, so proud of you, and what all you done with yourself. I just-- I just wish we were the kind of people that could make you proud of us. Sam: All right, listen. Stop worrying about what I think. Okay? Start with them. Okay? Now, come on. Take care of your mama. Joe Lee: All right. Lindy. Lindy, come on. Tommy: We'll see each other again. Joe Lee: Lindy. You best get going before she climbs in the trunk with you. Sam (to Tommy): You forgot these. You must have dropped them when you were changing... the oil. Scene 6: Jason's house - Jason, Hoyt Hoyt: You? Jason: Yeah. Hoyt: A cop? Jason: Oh, I wish you were there. Tonight, boom, the universe showed me my destiny. And for me, that's to protect and serve the citizens of Renard Parish. Police work just ain't about tackling people. There's marksmanship, paramilitary training. I got all that now. And let's face it, would you feel safe with me patrolling the streets or Andy Bellefleur? Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what I thought. Scene 7: Motel room - Tara, Franklin Tara: Oh, my God. What the hell just happened? Franklin: You lost yourself to the void. I'd claim it was a gift, but actually, it's common to most vampires. Tara: I-- I never do this. Franklin: What, one-night stands? Cheap motels? Vampires? Tara: None of it. No offense. Actually, the cheap motel, yes. But only once. Come to think of it, why do you need a motel room? Don't y'all sleep in the ground? Franklin: It's nice to have a place to shower, shave, and ravage you. Tara: f*ck. Did this all happen because we beat the crap out of a couple rednecks tonight? Franklin: You did. You would've killed them if I hadn't have stopped you. Tara: Wanted to. Franklin: Where does all that come from? Tara: No. You don't wanna poke that. Franklin: Oh, I'm entitled to a little bit of curiosity. I hardly know a thing about you. I don't know if you have a husband or a boyfriend. Tara: Listen, this was great and all-- Okay, mind-blowing. But let's not make it into something that it wasn't. Just take me home. Franklin: Well, can I at least ask your name? Tara: Oh, even better, I-I'll walk. Franklin: My name is Franklin. Tara: Please give it up. Knowing my name isn't gonna make you feel any less dirty, or me any less... Thanks, Franklin. Scene 8: Fangtasia - Pam, Yvetta, Jessica Pam is with Yvetta when the phone rings. Pam: Fangtasia. This better be good. Jessica: Oh, hi. Pam, it's Jessica Hamby. We talked yesterday. I'm the one who-- Pam: I remember you perfectly. What is it? Jessica: Um... Well, I really desperately need your help. I don't know where Bill is, and, gosh, you guys are the only other vampires I know-- Pam: Spit it out, cupcake. I'm in the middle of something. Jessica: Right. Um... You remember how I was asking how you would--? You know, what you would do if you, like, killed somebody by accident? Pam: Did you call the hypothetical hardware store and buy a theoretical chain saw? Jessica: Yes. And that's just the problem. I went to get the chain saw, and now he's gone. Pam: What? Jessica: I left for, like, 15 minutes and he just disappeared. Pam: So the problem you have is that there is no dead body in your house? Jessica: Yeah. Pam: Doesn't sound like a problem to me. Gotta run. (She hangs up) Babies, they're all the same. Now, where were we? Oh, right. Lie back, sweetheart, and think of Estonia. Scene 9: Merlotte's - Sookie, Sam Sookie: Oh, my God, you have a brother? Sam: Yeah. News to me too. Sookie: What are they like? Sam: Well, I'm more at home with the folks here. Sookie: Speaking of which, you heard about the...? Sam: Hm? Yeah. Jesus Christ. And Andy shot him? Sookie: Welcome back, huh? Sam: Good thing this town doesn't have many other bar options. So how long should I expect you gone for this time? Sookie: Two, maybe three days at the most. If I leave by 4, I can get there by sundown. Sam, how can you expect me to stay here and do nothing when Bill might be in Jackson? You know me. Sam: I know you well enough not to argue. You need anyone to--? Sookie: If you really wanna help, I'm kind of leaving Jessica here on her own while I'm gone. Do you think you could make sure she doesn't do anything horrible? Sam: How? Sookie: I don't know. Give her a job? Just kidding. Can you imagine? Arlene would freak. Sam: You don't get back, she's getting your job. Sookie: I'll be fine. Sam: Nice ring. Soookie: Thanks. Scene 10 : Jason's house - Jason, Hoyt Hoyt: What is the rank between a sergeant and a captain in the Louisiana State Police? Jason: Skip. Hoyt: The legal blood-alcohol limit in the state of Louisiana is? Jason: When you're drunk? Hoyt: Uh, no. Jason: Next one. Hoyt: Jessica says it's too late for us to be together. What do you think she means by that? Jason: Wait, that's on the test? Hoyt: No, I'm asking you. Jason: Look, come on, man. Not now. You're quizzing me. I'm in the zone. Hoyt: Yeah, you're 0 for 22. At least this you could help me with. Jason: All right, listen. I've heard every breakup excuse from "You're a son of a bitch, Stackhouse" to "You're a f*cking asshole, Jason." And you know what? They're all saying the same thing. They can't handle the heat you're packing. Hoyt: So Jessica is having trouble handling my heat? Jason: The only thing to do is to move on to someone who can. That's why every girlfriend I've had has been hotter than the last. Hoyt: I don't know how I'll find someone better than Jessica. Jason: Man, there are two kinds of people in this world: people who got no dreams, people who got dreams and don't do nothing about it, and people who go out and fulfill their dreams. I'm the third kind. So you gonna help me out or not? Hoyt: I'm trying to help you, but look, the website says you have to pass the written exam. Jason: You think Andy Bellefleur knows half of this sh1t? There's gotta be an easier way. Look, I'm ready now. You know? I know between good and evil. I'm like a ninja-level marksman. I got all the training I need. Hoyt: You wanna know what that blood-alcohol limit is? Jason: I don't need to know it. If it's on the sample test, it's not on the real thing. Everybody knows that. Scene 11: Doctor's - Arlene, Doctor Arlene: Well, him and me, we haven't even talked about kids, but, well, maybe this is the good Lord telling me that this man's a keeper. Right? I mean, don't you think? You know, children being a blessing and all. Doctor: Pardon, dear. Need to adjust the probe. Oh, yeah, that's better. Yup, there's the critter, see? Arlene: That's my baby? Doctor: It ain't much more than a head and a heart right now, but that's all you need, don't you? Arlene: Oh, my. Doctor: This one a bit of a surprise? Arlene: Uh, a little, I guess. My boyfriend and me, we haven't been together for very long. Doctor: Well, at least two, three months by the looks of it. Arlene: Excuse me? Doctor: Twenty-five millimeters from crown to rump. Yeah, I'd say the tadpole's at least nine weeks on. Arlene: Nine weeks? Are you sure? Doctor: Maybe ten. Scene 12: Merlotte's - Tara, Terry, Mike Tara: Terry, phone! I'm wiping. Terry: I'm frying! Tara: Merlotte's, this is Tara. Mike: Hey, Tara. I'm glad I caught you. It's Mike Spencer. How are you? Tara: Uh, I-I'm at work. How are you? Mike: Heh-heh. You know, same old. Uh, well, um, I don't know if you heard, but the Talley funeral's today. Tara: The what? Uh, you know, Eggs. We're down at the cemetery. Thought you might wanna come over, say goodbye. Tara: Thanks, Mike. I'm leaving now. Don't start without me. Scene 13: Cemetery - Tara, Mike, Sookie, Pastor Tara: Where is everyone? Mike: Just us. He didn't have any people, as far as I could find. Didn't know who else to call. Tara: Well, I'm not-- I'm not blaming you. It's just at a funeral, you expect, you know, people. Loved ones. Mike: Well, you're here. Tara: If I'm the only one here, who paid for all this? Sookie: I did. I understand if you don't want me here, but I thought at the very least Eggs deserved a real funeral. Tara: No, come on. The casket's nice. You didn't have to. Sookie: None of this makes me feel better about anything. But maybe it might help you. Tara: It doesn't. I know you mean well. You always have. But there ain't anything anyone can do right now. Well, at least you got somewhere to come see him now. Might not seem like much, but I like having a place to go when I wanna see Gran. Every time I visit her, it hurts a little bit less. Will you come back home? It's okay if you're still angry with me. I'll be in Jackson for a couple days. I got a lead on Bill. You can have the house to yourself. Tara: Lafayette's making me so crazy I wanna eat the wallpaper. Sookie: I think this is everybody. Friends, we have gathered to pay our final respects to Benedict Talley. Your presence here assures that his memory will not be forgotten, as Christ assures that his soul will not be forsaken. Let us pray that he will find eternal peace and comfort in the arms of our Lord. Scene 13: Cemetery back in 1868 - Bill, Caroline, Loren Bill arrives in front of his house when a woman opens the door. Woman: Who's there? Good God in heaven. Bill: Caroline, my dearest. Caroline: The war ended three years ago.I was sure you had perished. Bill: I'm home now. Caroline: I haven't slept an hour since you left. I prayed for you. I pleaded with God for your return. Especially in these last few days. Bill: Is it Sarah? Thomas? Both? Caroline: William... Come. I sent Sarah away to Tennessee. Thomas, he was too young. I tried to protect him. Bill: You did all anyone could. I heard many children were taken. I feared the worst. Caroline: No one will come for him. Undertakers won't touch anyone with the pox. I resolved to bury him myself tomorrow. Bill: Thomas? It's your papa. I've come to see you off. Caroline: Oh, William. You're as cold as the earth. She sees his blood tears. Bill: No. No. Do not be afraid. Caroline: Are you afflicted? Bill: I am. I was... My human life was taken from me. Caroline: Are you a ghost? Bill: I am here to bury our son. Caroline: Uh... Bill: I cannot be infected. Caroline: What are you? What are you? What are you? Demon? The devil? You've taken my husband. I will not let you take my son. Bill: Caroline, no. Listen. Caroline: Stay back! Stay--! She shoots him but he heals. She goes out. Lorena's there. Bill: Caroline. Lorena: This is your doing, I assume? Bill: Unhand her. She is my wife. Lorena: In her condition, she's hardly more human than animal. Except for her blood, of course. Bill: I will die before I allow you to harm her. Caroline? Caroline: No, no, no. Bill: Look at me. Look at me. Caroline: No, no, no. Bill: Caroline. Look at me. Caroline. Caroline: Kill me! I can't bear this anymore! Do what you will with my body. My soul will be safe. My soul will be... Lorena: William, stop. Darling. Darling Caroline. I'm so sorry to have to do this to you. End of the flash back. Bill wakes up in his bead. Scene 14: Jason's work - Jason, Bud, Lafayette, Hoyt Jason passes his exam in a classroom. Bud: Can I help you, son? Jason: Uh. Yeah, Bud. Um... Can I get another test paper? There's something wrong with this one. Bud: I'd say there's something wrong with you. Jason has no pants on him. Everyone laughs. Bud: Jason, wake the f*ck up. It was just a dream. Jason is in his truck. Lafayette: Jason. Yeah. Yeah? Jason: Oh, yeah, what's up? I was just getting my gloves. Lafayette: I need your authorization on this PWE form before we, us, over yonder working, can do the other side of the road, supervisor. Jason: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. But I got a lot on my mind lately. Lafayette: That must feel new. Try spending every waking moment mopping up your cousin's tears and keeping her away from pointy objects. See how much sleep you get then. Hoyt: Holy sh1t. Hey! Hey! Lafayette, Jason, anybody! Come on, help! Help! Jason: I'm coming. They found a body. Hoyt: It's... It's dead. Got no head. It's got no head, man. It's got no head. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 14: Sookie's house - Sookie, Alcide Man's thought: That must be her. Said blond and pretty. No wonder the girl's a magnet for trouble. Sookie runs to her house. Man: Hey. Hold on. Hey. Sookie: Get your goddamn hands off me! Man: I ain't trying to hurt you. Sookie: You're a werewolf. I've had vampire blood. I'll kick your ass. Man: Listen. Eric Northman's the one who sent me. My name's Alcide Herveaux. I'm here to look after you. Scene 15: Merlotte's - Sam, Tommy, Joe Lee, Tommy Joe Lee: Holy crap. Look at this layout. Hey. Melinda: Sam. Sam: Hey, what's going on? Melinda: This all yours? Sam: Yeah. Something the matter or...? Melinda: No, no. After you left, we just got to wondering what kind of life you got down here. Joe Lee: We figured we ain't got nothing else to do today, let's go see for ourselves. Didn't have to do much looking around to find you. Sam: Uh-huh. Tommy: Never thought any son of mine would have a place like this, though. Sam: Yeah. Well, I thought, uh, I thought we agreed, uh-- Agreed to wait a piece, uh, you know, before getting back together again. Melinda: Ain't you happy to see us? Sam: Well, no, I didn't, uh, I didn't say that. I-I just don't do well with surprises. Tommy: Mama, he doesn't want us here. Sam: Hey, no. That's not true. That's...Y'all, uh-- Y'all came all this way, and I'm buying you lunch. All right? Joe Lee: All right! Oh, good. Sam: Whatever you want. Right. Okay? Come on. Joe Lee: Always dreamed of having my own chicken shack. Right. I would call it Mickens' Chicken and Chitlins. Tommy: Yeah, that'll happen. Scene 16: Jason's work - Bud, Kenya, Andy, Mike Kenya: Mr. Fortenberry states he was clearing the ditch to replace a drainage pipe when he located the victim. Andy: The head and hands are missing, but there's no blood, so he probably bled out before being brought to the scene. Muscle tissue shows signs of tearing rather than cutting, so it looks like our unsub just tore his head clean off. Only thing I know can do that's a vampire. Mike: That would explain why there's no blood. Bud: I quit. Andy: Hey, Bud, wait up. Where you going? Bud: Did you hear me? I quit. I've had it with this sh1t. Every time we clear one murder, two more spring up. It's like crabgrass. Kenya: We need you to sign the report. Bud: You sign it. Or you. I don't care. Take this crap. All of it. Forty-three years and what have I got to show for it? Gaps in my brain and polyps in my ass. I don't need this horseshit! Scene 17: Sookie's house - Sookie, Alcide Sookie: The house is in no shape for guests, I know. It's a long story. I'll tell you about it in the car. Alcide in his head: I hear you read minds.That true? Sookie: Yes, it is. Alcide in his head: Son of a bitch. So we could have a whole conversation with me sitting here clamped shut? Sookie: Well, it's kind of rude with just the two of us, but in a room full of strangers, it might come in handy. Alcide: I'll keep that in mind. What I don't understand is if you had Eric Northman's blood and all, why he can't look after you himself. Sookie: It's not like that. I'm not his. How'd he rope you into taking me to Jackson? Alcide: My old man, he's got a construction company in Caddo Parish. Came up a little short on a project. Went to Northman for a loan. Sookie: Wouldn't be my first choice. Alcide: Yeah, you take what you can get. Only reason I'm here is to help him get out of debt. I don't do favors for vamps. Plus, I know the pack is sniffing around. You ain't getting nowhere without an in. Sookie: Are you friends with them? Alcide: I wouldn't call them friends exactly. My ex is banging their leader. Sookie: Sorry. Alcide: That pack is a cancer to our kind. Weres have lived in Jackson for almost 200 years without a single human knowing it. Now these sons of bitches come to town, there's a crime streak a mile wide. Not to say the rest of us are above violence, but you shut the barn door behind you. Sookie: One of them came after me last night, in here. Alcide: Yeah, Northman mentioned that. Looks like a hell of a fight. You gonna be ready for more of that in Jackson? Sookie: They took someone I love from me. I don't know about you, but I was raised to fight back. Alcide: Great. You'll get us both killed. Sookie: I'll pack light. Scene 17: Russell's house - Lorena, Bill, Caroline, Russell, Talbot, Cooter Bill's flash back: Caroline: What is she? Is she your--? Your wife? Bill: No, she is not. Caroline: Will she kill me? Bill: I will not allow her to hurt you. Lorena: You've hurt her enough for two lifetimes, William. I warned you. There's our world and theirs. Between lies only suffering. Caroline: If you can kill me... please, I beg you, do it now. Lorena: Make her forget. Go on. You brought this upon her. You must undo it. Bill: Caroline. We can never be together. I was never here. Bill and Lorena are in the cemetery in front if Thomas' grave. Lorena: Goodbye, young Thomas. The only way to show your love for a human is to stay away. Forever. Do you understand now? End of the flash back. Bill wakes up. In another room: Cooter: Johnson's my best goddamn man. Russell: They're all dumber than a box of rocks. Cooter: Sir, that's unfair. Talbot: To boxes maybe. Or rocks. Russell: Talbot, dear, we forgot to offer Cooter a refreshment. Could you? Talbot: Of course. Zima, correct? Cooter: Sir, it's been 24 hours, and still no sign of him or the waitress. Russell: Can your pack of imbeciles do nothing right? Cooter: Somebody got him. Lorena: Eric Northman. Russell: Who? Lorena: He's a sheriff under Sophie Anne. He has a perverse interest in that waitress. I'm sure he's been watching over her. Bill arrives. Russell: Ah, Mr. Compton. Good day's rest? Bill: I've considered your offer. My service to Queen Sophie Anne has brought only suffering to me and the humans that I have lived amongst. I recognize that now. For their safety and also for mine... I hereby renounce my fealty to the kingdom of Louisiana... and I humbly pledge my loyalty to Your Majesty. Russell: Wonderful. Ah. Wonderful. We don't need the girl after all. Lorena: You're letting her go? But you gave me your word. Russell: I have given my word. To Mr. Compton. And I intend to keep it. Scene 18: Merlotte's - Jason, Tara Jason: Hey. It's good to see you working and all. Tara: It's my job. Jason: No, I know. It's just, you know, after everything... it's good to see you're okay. I mean, you seem okay. Are you okay? Tara: I'm getting there. Little by little. Jason: Well, you know, I lost a lot of people I love too. Loved a lot. And if you ever wanna talk or whatever... Because you and Sookie are like sisters, and Sookie is my sister, so we're like family. Even though we ain't been that close lately. Tara: Thanks. You're a good friend. Jason: Yeah. Could be better. I should be there for you. Tara: Wish I had you there the night that sh1t happened. Jason: Yeah, but I wasn't there. I mean, the-- I'm sorry I wasn't there, and I'm sorry it happened. Tara: Jason, what's with you? You didn't do anything. Jason sees a hole on Tara's forehead. Jason: Uh, Jesus. You know what, you're right. I shouldn't beat myself up over it. If you need me, I'm gonna be over here. Tara: What--? Jason. Jason leaves. Scene 19: Lafayette's house - Lafayette, Eric Lafayette: God-- This m*therf*cker. Eric: Hello, sweetheart. Hop in. Lafayette: Listen. Listen, I moved what I could. I mean, even at half off, the sh1t is still expensive. I'm gonna need some more time. Eric: Relax. You'll ruin your new ride. Lafayette: Huh? Eric: Pam's been a bit harsh lately. She's under a lot of pressure. I thought it would be a good time for a small gift to my, uh, top salesman. Lafayette: What's the catch? Eric: Well, you'll have to pay the insurance. I'm not an idiot. And I'm gonna have to sell you the car for $1 to avoid that pesky gift tax. Mind you, it may look a little, uh, out of place parked outside of that strange plywood hut you live in. Lafayette: No, I ain't taking on no more of your sh1t. Eric: You have great value, Lafayette. You're discreet, efficient, and you have a network of loyal customers with enormous disposable income. You could become quite wealthy if you wanted to. Lafayette: I don't need no more money. Eric: No? I never thought of you as lacking in ambition. But perhaps you're content with moth-eaten afghans and secondhand furniture. Lafayette: I'll think about it. Eric: Don't make me wait too long. You can owe me the dollar. Scene 20: Merlotte's - Terry, Arlene, Sam, Tommy, Melinda, Joe Lee In the kitchen: Terry: Spit it out, baby. You're breaking up with me. Arlene: No. No, it's not-- It's not-- Terry: "It's not you, it's me." If I had a nickel for every time-- I'd have 15 cents. Arlen: No, it is me. It is. I'm... I'm... I got me a baby coming. Terry: What? Arlene: And I didn't wanna tell you because-- Because it-- Terry: Oh, my God. We're gonna have a baby? Arlene: Yes, we are. You're gonna be a daddy. Only let's not tell anybody just yet. Terry: Oh. Uh, uh... Thank you. Thank you, baby. I never dreamed in my life I could be so happy. Thank you for making my life mean something. At the restaurant: Joe Lee: Thank you, darling. Sam: Hey. Whoa. How many has he had? Joe Lee: The boy can hold his liquor. Go on, kill it. Sam: Well, I don't care. He's underage. Tommy: I'm right here, dick. Joe Lee: He'll be 20 next April. What's the difference? Sam: It makes a big difference to me if I lose my liquor license. What are you doing feeding him shots anyhow? Joe Lee: Listen, I've known my son a lot longer than you have. I suggest you don't tell me how to raise him. Melinda: Joe Lee. Sam: I suggest you follow the rules in my bar. Joe Lee: You talk to me like I'm some kind of drunk. Sam: Well, you are drunk. Tommy: Dude, you throw a punch, you are so one of us. Melinda: Okay, that's enough. God almighty, y'all sure know how to piss all over a perfectly fine reunion. Sam: You should call it a night. Melinda: Come on. Don't take it personal, Sam. Joe Lee ain't got a bad bone in him when he's sober. We'll go. I don't wanna embarrass ourselves any more than we already have. Sam: Just make sure they get home safe. Melinda: Get in the van, boys. We'll see you soon? Sam: Sure. Scene 21: Bill's house - Jessica, Franklin Franklin knocks on Bill's door. Franklin: Good evening, miss. Are you home alone tonight? Jessica: Listen, buddy, I don't know what you have in mind, but you are messing with the wrong girl. (He comes in without an invitation) Hey, vampires can't enter a home without an invitation. Franklin: A human home. And, uh, the last human owner of this house died a year ago. Jessica: f*ck. How come nobody tells me any of this? Franklin: Come, Miss Hamby, sit down. I just wanna talk. Jessica: So how do you know my name? Franklin: It's my job. I find things. Jessica: Yeah, well, what sort of things? Franklin: Anything that needs finding. Do you have anything like that? Jessica: Well, um, Bill Compton. He owns this place. He's been gone a couple days. I can't even reach him on his phone. Yes, him too, but, um, I was thinking of somebody else. Think hard. Has anyone else gone missing lately? Maybe this will jog your memory. (He shows her Hank's head) So you do know him. Jessica: No. It's a head. How do you expect me to react? Franklin: Come on. Tell me, where'd you meet this handsome devil? Hm? Who broke the ice? I'm guessing him. "You've sure got some pretty lips, girlfriend." Mwah. Jessica: Stop. Just put it-- Put it down. Franklin: The important part is that he's no longer a problem. See? I help you, you help me a little in return. Now... why don't you tell me everything you know about Bill Compton? Scene 21: Jason's house - Jason Jason finds a paper on his table. He burns it. Scene 22: Merlotte's - Sam Sam wakes up and goes in his office. He finds a bird. Sam: Hey! Get back here! (Someone searched in his office and left his clothes) sh1t! Scene 23: Lou Pine's - Sookie, Alcide, men at the club Alcide: Might not look like much, but Lou Pine's, it's the oldest were bar in Mississippi. Man1: Alcide. It's nice to see a face from the old pack. I figured the new wolves are drinking enough for all of us. Mm-hm. Who's the civilian? Alcide: She's cool. She's a friend. Sookie: Am I not dressed properly? Man1: You look like dinner. Alcide: I'll keep an eye on her, Hollis. Gonna have to split off. See you with me, they ain't gonna talk. Sookie: Where are you gonna be? Alcide: With my guys. I'll be watching you. You make it quick, for your own sake. Sookie: Hey, boys. Oh, my God, I am so stupid. I left my wallet in the car, but I am parched. Any of you guys mind buying a girl a cosmo? Man2: You here alone, cream puff? Oh, you are stupid. Sookie: Oh, I've been to much tougher places than this. Any of you heard of a place in Louisiana called Fangtasia? Man2: You're a fangbanger? Sookie: There's nothing meaner or stronger than a vampire. What's not to like? Man4: You'd be surprised. Man4 in his head: If you knew we kicked the sh1t out of one a couple nights ago, you'd be on your knees right quick. Sookie: Why don't you tell me about it? She sees Bill in the car when he's been kidnapped. Man4: Let's talk about it in private Sookie: Sure. Why not? Men: Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Man4: Me first or you? Sookie: You know a vampire? Can you take me to him? Man4: Like a three-way sort of deal? Sookie: Come on, where is he? Man4: Shut the f*ck up. I got more vampire blood in me than you think. Alcide: Hey, asshole. The two men fight. Men: Hey. What the f*ck you doing? Hit him. Get him. Yeah. Kick his ass. Yeah. Come on. Hollis: Goddamn! I'm gonna run out of bats if he keeps this up. Now get him out of here. Now! Men: Get him out of here. Let's go. Come on, let's go. Hollis: Come on, man. She ain't worth it. Alcide: I barely even know her. Hollis: I mean Debbie. Alcide: What about Debbie? Hollis: Oh, sh1t. Um... Debbie's getting engaged to Coot. Alcide: Come on, Hollis, stop it. Hollis: The party's tomorrow night. Here. I'm sorry I gotta be the one to break it to you. Scene 24: Sookie's house - Tara, Franklin Franklin: Good evening, Tara. Tara: Who told you my name? Franklin: I met a delightful baby vampire tonight. Actually, no, she was irritating as all get-out, but she did tell me a great many things, such as your name and the fact that you live in a house owned by the human companion of Mr. Bill Compton. Tara: Why is that important to you? Who do you work for? Franklin: Well, now who's interested in getting to know me all of a sudden? Mind if I, uh, come in? Tara: Hell no. I got a terrible track record with letting people into this house. Franklin: Oh, don't be that way, Tara. Tara. That is such a beautiful name. Tara: As far as you're concerned, my name is: "That girl from Bon Temps, huh? Wonder how she's doing. Too bad I can't get a hold of her anymore." Franklin: Actually, I can get a hold of you any time I want. Isn't that right, Tara? Tara: Yeah. You wanted to come in? Franklin: If you insist. Tara: Come in. Please. Scene 25: Bill's room - Lorena, Bill Lorena: Most impressive. You won the trust of Russell Edgington himself. A bravura performance. Bill: I don't care what you believe. My only loyalty is to my king. Lorena: Your only loyalty is to your own sentiment. It's your great failing. A century ago, it was to your human wife. Now it's that ridiculous waitress. You'll say anything to save her. Bill: We can never love humans without bringing suffering upon them. You taught me that... and I will never forgive you for it. Lorena: It's an essential truth, one you refused to face because you clung to the illusion of humanity. Lorena: You are right. Is that what you wish to hear? You proved it to me once and now I've learned it again. You have won. You've deprived me of my freedom... and my home... my humanity. But I will never, ever love you. Never! Never! Lorena: Yes. Make love to me. Bill: Never. I will never. Lorena: Oh, William. They have sexe. Lorena: I so love you.

Still searching for Bill, Sookie heads to Jackson, Mississippi, with Alcide , a werewolf bodyguard assigned by Eric to protect her. Sam's birth family pay him an unexpected visit at Merlotte's. Jason decides to become a police officer. Sheriff Bud Dearborne resigns in frustration. Arlene discovers she is pregnant and fears that the baby's father may be Rene. Franklin charms Tara and disposes of a body for Jessica and wants information on Bill in return. Eric buys Lafayette an expensive new car as an incentive. Haunted by visions from his past, Bill pledges his allegiance to the King of Mississippi. Bill and his maker Lorena have a violent sexual encounter.