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dadjokes

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I think I was just dad joked by Siri [Siri, make a note of the current time](https://i. redd. it/yendsag8mmbz

jpg)

Junes Over

Julying

T-Rex was upset that nobody would swipe right

Dating is tough for online predators

Did you hear what happened to the guy who lost the whole left side of his body

He's allright now

What do you call a denim clad Frenchman

Jean Jaquette

Did you hear about the pasta chef who couldn't make it as a clown

He came up with 2 fusilli ideas

A dadjoke for my mom's ceramics. My mother runs a ceramic shop, and she was painting a bald eagle. She called me to the shop to ask me how she should paint a certain portion of the feathers

Just wing it, Ma

I was typing an essay and the words looked really annoyed

They may be suffering from irritable vowel syndrome

what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman

the snow balls

My daughter: Dad is there veal in the meatloaf

Me: No, just a little beef

How does Moses make his tea

Hebrews it

To whom ever stole my Microsoft Office. I will find you

You have my Word

Dad joked anyone who gave the kid Halloween candy When they answered the door to give him candy, I had him say MERRY CHRISTMAS. or HAPPY NEW YEAR. and I'm allergic to candy, do you have any sardines. He also stood facing away from the door for some. He got a lot of laughs, a door slammed in his face and an offer for spicy mustard sardines. Video: Halloween dad joke: http://youtu. be/Mp3IBlZnfFw (Forgive the vertical

I was trying to be discrete so not to contaminate the proceedings

Dadjoked my new hr rep. As a fellow ginger she came to me today and introduced herself. Not feeling so well. I politely declined her handshake. Explained that the stomach bug had gotten me. She proceeded to say it was nice to meet a fellow ginger, and followed with you should drink some ginger tea to help with your stomach. To which I replied, Can't. That would be cannibalism. Took her a second

Then a guffaw

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died

He pasta way

If I had a Stable, I would be careful about my horses after sunset

If one of them escaped after sunset, It would be a nightmare

Man, Warren Buffet is so goddamned rich

Every time I go to one of his restaurants they let you eat whatever you want

My sisters were talking about shaving. She said she wanted the smooth porpoiselike skin of a dolphin. I said that seemed a bit redundant, saying you want the porpoiselike skin of what is essentially a porpoise. Then I followed it up with

***It's a bit of a porpoiseless statement***

I watched. A. Quiet. Place for the first time

I was left speechless

What’s Irish and sits on your porch

Patio Furniture

What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

Two. Parallel. Lines walked in a bar

They never met each other

My dad pulled this classic a minute ago (Waiter) Will we be needing a gluten free menu this evening. (Dad) Why would I care if the menu is gluten free. It's not like I'm going to eat it

(Groans ensue)

A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother. He's an idiot. What did he name them. Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not not too bad. What about the boy

Doctor: Denephew

Did you here about the kidnapping at school

It's okay, he woke up

Girlfriend dad joked me at her birthday supper. So we were out at a restaurant for her birthday and we're both teasing each other. She got in a really good zinger on me and with no comeback I grabbed the salt shaker and put a very small amount of salt on her fries as a joke

She puts down her fork and with a completely series face says I'm inSALTed

What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber

Lycan Subscribe

This morning my cat puked on my desk about 4 from my seiko

I saw it and quickly shouted Not on my watch

OBGYN : “Hello,. I’m the doctor that is going to deliver your baby”. Father : “

Actually doctor, we would like for him to keep his liver”

A furniture store keeps calling me. All

I wanted was one night stand.

Time for an impression. Here is my impression on an extractor fan

I used to like tractors but I don't any more

Nearly all the funniest jokes at Edinburgh Fringe is dad jokes The winner and the 9 runner ups: I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets * Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy - Richard Stott * What's driving Brexit. From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh - Milton Jones * A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows' - Jake Lambert * A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it - Ross Smith * Sleep is my favourite thing in the world

It's the reason I get up in the morning - Ross Smith * I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it - Adele Cliff * After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford * To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian - Mark Simmons * I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts - Ivo Graham

A Man Walks Into A Bar. That is the mark of a good joke. A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, If you can jump and reach the meat hanging from the ceiling, everyone here will get free drinks for an hour. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for an hour. After thinking it over for a while, the man says, I can't do it

The **Steaks** are to high

What do you call a pony with a sore throat

A little hoarse

My mom got me good Amazing Race spoilers, if it matters. This week's episode was in Dubai, and we were watching the part where they were racing camels. The finish line says Finish with what I assume to be the Arabic word for finish underneath it. My mom turns to me and goes, That's not Finnish, that's Arabic

I still have a headache from how hard my hand hit my head

Monday,. Tuesday,. Wednesday,. Thursday,. Friday,. Saturday,. Sunday

Those were the days...

A woman left a man for because he was always counting

She doesn't know what he's up to now

I dig, you dig, he dig, she dig, we dig, they dig

It’s not a very good poem but it’s very deep

What's the one thing a woman doesn't want to find in her Christmas stocking on Christmas morning

Her husband

Tim: What should we call these wooden beams. Jim: How about Jimber

Tim: I’ve got a better idea

I should really be a dad for this one. So a few of us guys and some gals are working at a site for a university show. A couple of the girls wanted to learn how to use power tools, so we taught them. After a few minutes, one of the girls says: girl: wow this really is a lot of work just for a hole. to which I reply: THAT'S WHAT IV'E BEEN SAYING. everyone laughed, but I sincerely felt bad for that one

thought you guys might get a kick outta it too

Why did the banana always stare at his reflection

Because he thought he was very apPEELing

My wife said something that meant a lot to me

She said a distinct portion or section of land

What's the bear minimum

One bear

The first million people to send me a million dollars, will get a copy of my guide

Of how to become a millionaire from Reddit

As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same

Then you’ll have a match

So I heard you live in an old funeral home. My mom and her boyfriend recently bought an old funeral home and are renovating it to turn it into a house. While out to dinner with some extended family, my mom's boyfriend's 2nd cousin says, so I heard you live in a funeral home. that's interesting to which his aunt replies, yeah, we've all been DYING to come visit

Classic

What happened when Pirate Captain Bluebeard fell into the Red Sea

He got marooned

My daughter always asks me where Timbuktu is I keep telling her

It's right in-between Timbuk-One and Timbuk-Three

Hey r/dadjokes what's up

The ceiling

I caught my Princess's reaction to a Dad Joke on camera, it's priceless. Link in the body. [Link. ](http://i. imgur. com/Nb1ti

jpg)

I love how the earth rotates;

It really makes my day.

I recently converted to. Islam. I’m

Allah ‘bout it.

Isn’t the Grand Canyon

Just gorges

Good One Dad Me: Dad why do you think our nose runs when it's cold. Dad: Because it's way too cold to walk

Sigh*

I'm going outside

So if anyone needs me, tell them I'm outsanding

A man threw some steak into a church

Everyone exclaimed, holy cow

Why did he fly on the toilet seat leave

He got pissed off

When does a joke become a dad-joke

When the punchline becomes apparent

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do

Got a new ISP, so decided to have some fun when people ask 'what's the wifi password. ' 'Its for security' 'haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password. 'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case. I've had six or seven victims so far, and it's still just as funny as the first time. The only blip was when the wife didn't even blink, and just entered it first time

She knows me too well

My mom's a teacher, and my dad hit the jackpot [This magnet](http://www. broadbentgifts. com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/18065. jpg) went up on our fridge a few days ago

Honey, what does that say

My dad says he knows exactly who will win the presidential election

The one with the most votes

Why are pirates so smart

They just ARRRRRRRRRRRR

A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid

Dad just waves and says, Bison

What has 18 legs and catches flies

A baseball team

My wife asked me to skin the potatoes

I granted her a peel

Why did the protractor marry the calculator

It was a math made in heaven

This sub in a nutshell https://i. redd. it/yombp5uniha11

jpg

I had a friend who got a job with NASA

She's really going to rock it

Nowadays, every time I tell a joke, my wife tries to hit me

She doesn’t strike me as the funny type

Iron Man and The Silver Surfer are teaming up for the next movie

They will be alloys

It might be too soon to joke about the tragic flood in. Oroville,. California but

I just don't give a dam.

I see says the blind man

As he picked up a hammer and saw

Darko strikes again Darko is my dad and he's known for his horrible puns. He thought of this one while I was folding laundry: > Me: Ughhh. > Darko: What's wrong. > Me: I just can't find the other socks in these pairs. > Darko: Wow. I guess you could say

THAT SOCKS

I was with my parents at a family party when they served up some ice cream cake. I got a slice and walked up to my parents. Me: Is this ice cream cake. Dad: yeah. Me: Then why aren't I screaming

- I've never seen my parents roll their eyes so hard

Eating fish makes you smarter ## You’ve heard that eating fish makes you smarter. Well, here’s the proof. A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, what makes you so smart. ” he asked the owner. “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn’t hear, he continued. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant. ” “You sell them here. ” the customer asked. “Only $4 apiece,” said the grocer. The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn’t any smarter. “You didn’t eat enough,” replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry. “Hey,” he said, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off. ” “You see. ” replied the grocer

“You’re smarter already

I was told that I would never be a good sports announcer because I’m from Idaho. They told me it’s because I’m just a common-tater

(Told by my father-in-law)

Why do boaters always misbehave

Because they always give in to pier pressure

Why did I hire myself a one armed Butler

Serves me right

I think animal testing is a terrible idea.

they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

I hate Russian dolls

They're so full of themselves

What is the name for the medical procedure in which caviar is harvested

Sturgery

A dad joke from my mum Guy on science documentary: microwaves travel at the speed of light. Mum: fucking hell, that's impressive

Microwaves are heavy

What is a geneticist's favorite piece of clothing

Genes

Tried to take a selfie in the shower this morning. Turns out

I have selfie-steam issues.

Facebook got me today with this post http://imgur

com/7acmyVs I can't believe they waited a whole year for that

My 3 year old son got the daycare lady with this one the other day while talking about spending the weekend with my parents at their lake house. Daycare Lady: does your Grandpa have a house on the lake

Son (with a serious face): no his house is on the grass

Here's a small tip to improve your dad jokes http://i. imgur. com/dDfMib2

png

Last week I went to a restaurant on the moon

The food is great but there is no atmosphere

My son just asked me to take off his shoes

I told him that I'm not wearing them

What are the strongest days of the week

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days

I can't stop saying it. The only place to work out in my small town is at a local hotel that has a gym, pool, steam room and hot tub. Without a membership, you pay for each service individually. I've been a couple of times and the staff at the service counter recognize me and know that I only go to work out. The conversation goes as follows: Counter person: Gym. Me: No, I'm Ben

It feels so good every time

Every restaurant we'd go to. Back when me and my siblings were all around 10 years old and smoking was still allowed in restaurants, the hostess would ask smoking or non

And every time my dad would turn to us and ask are you gonna smoke

My tailor was happy to fix my ripped shirt

or sew it seams

My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample. I told him it was the least

I could doo

What did the tectonic plates say to each other when there was an earthquake

It was your fault

My wife just got me bad. Watching TV and some show has a commercial on and it says catch up now OnDemand. I'm only half paying attention to it when my wife looks at me and is like but what if I want mustard

EDIT: Removed accidental extra word

I love goat cheese

After all, it is the greatest of all time

A sandwich walk in to a bar

The bartender says: Sorry, we don't serve food here.