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MattBoraske

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Reddit-AITA-2018-to-2022

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my daughter has hyperacusis which means that small sounds hurt her ears. things like birds chirping or background ambient noise like traffic can be excruciating for her. we always carry ear defenders so that it is a little less sore for her. we were at the doctor's office because she has a nasty infection in her fingernail. we sat in the waiting room to wait for the doctor and there was a small communal area for children to play with toys. one of these toys was one of those things with the rails and the shapes that slide along it. these make quite a lot of sound so we generally put her ear defenders on as soon as we see things like that. soon enough, a small boy, about 6-8 years old starts playing with it violently. i mean like picking it up, throwing it around, screaming. he did this with the other toys too but they were a bit quieter so that is why i'm focusing on this one. all of a sudden, my daughter bursts out in tears. i ask her what was wrong and she said that the noise was really sore. i went over to the boy and his mother and asked if they could play a little quieter because it was hurting my daughter. the mother apologises and the boy reluctantly agrees. a few minutes later after my daughter has calmed down, the boy goes over to the toy again. he, admittedly, started out playing a lot quieter; keyword: started. in no less than two minutes he was, again, throwing toys all over the place, screaming and generally being annoying. i once again went over to him and politely asked him to stop. repeat this about 3 bloody times. at around try number 5 i had had enough, my daughter was full on sobbing and bawling because her ears were so sore. i went over to the child. took the toy out of his hands and placed it on a high shelf. i tried not to hurt him while doing this because i am obviously not goebbles. he immediately started crying and ran over to his mother. i heard her say something like "we'll come back later, ok?" while walking out of the waiting room. i kid you not, 30 seconds after this the doctor who was seeing us comes out, sees my daughter and immediately takes us into his office. i explained everything that had happened. he was very sweet and sympathetic and gave my daughter a while to calm down before examining her nail. i don't know whether what i did was wrong or not. so i ask you this, aita?

aita because i took away a toy from a child because it was hurting my daughter?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cqy1e2/aita_because_i_took_away_a_toy_from_a_child/

2019-08-15 23:40:10

oof...nah. you asked him to stop, and he didn’t, but he’s only a little kid. i suggest getting noise cancelling headphones by bose. yes, they’re a big investment, but they work really well.

nah but erring toward yta (though very slight). you did not mention your daughter’s age, but you guys are going to have to start coming up with coping strategies over time. while it sounds like he was being loud, it also sounds like pretty minor noises bother your daughter’s condition. it’s a difficult situation, but you cannot stop other people from living and enjoying their lives due to your daughter’s condition. i truly hope things get better for your daughter...definitely try noise-canceling headphones in the meantime!

esh. just to play devil's advocate, your daughter has a rough road ahead of her, and for that i am sorry. she is going to encounter a lot of noise in her life and she should be prepared early that not everyone will be willing to change for her. i would have informed the nurse what was going on and asked if i could take my child away from the noise. the kids area is for kids to play and, quite frankly, they have the right to do that, no matter what.

yta. you took a toy from a child!! of course yta. if your daughter is that sensitive then you need to be taking further precautions with her such as noise canceling devices. it is no one else’s responsibility to accommodate your child for a hearing issue, especially in a public space.

i mean no you aren’t. 6-8 is kinda old enough to know how/when to stay quiet also the mom should have made him stop after like the second time you asked. the good part is that she didn’t lash out at you for taking away her kid’s toy and she took him out. these things happen and it’s okay, i can’t imagine how hard can it be to focus while your kid is sobbing so imma say nah

nah, the mom was even fine with your decision. in fairness i don’t know why she didn’t take it away herself after the same problem occurred a second time but i still wouldn’t call that an asshole move so much as... idk, not that.

after reading the edits and your post yta your child is nine and so you have known her condition far better than strangers and kids you and she come upon- it’s not fair to adjust their behavior to make it easier on you to deal with- those ear jacks you have obviously don’t work since she’s still “hurting”! and believe it or not the older she she gets the worse it will get if you don’t adjust your behavior in dealing with it rather than the whole population you all intermittently run into- overall godspeed to you and your child!

yta, you don’t take anything from another person’s child just like you wouldn’t like anyone take anything from yours. of course the kid went back to the toy after you talked to them, kids do that all the time. the mom was nice to you when you complained. if things were so bad you should have asked her if it would be ok to put away the toy. the other option would have been to take your daughter to another area inside the office and away from the kid.

yta for snatching the toy. your jurisdiction is your child. protect her ears, don't expect the world to conform to her needs.

yta....what are you gonna do when your daughter has to go outside? ask the cars to stop passing by? ask the birds to stop chirping? and, well, if the birds don't stop chirping, kill the birds. because your daughter is the only person in the world. her condition sounds rough but you can't expect everyone to conform to her needs.

BENIGN

a little bit of background. i've been married for 3 years now, i love my wife and like to consider myself as relaxed/zen kind of guy. i rarely get angry at her and try to please her to the full extent of my abilities. ​ the thing is lately she's been making plans like going to her father's, her mother's, friend's house, going to see houses (we live in a department and are looking to rent a house), etc. that's not a problem by itself (of course) but what bothers me is that she makes the plans and the just let me know about them and expect to arrange my time around it. it didn't use to bother me as much as it does now. i think since i always say yes adn try to work everything around to help her, she's gotten used to this and started taking my time and my opinion for granted. ​ wibta if i tell her to stop doing this and start asking me first? it scares me a bit that if i do it it'll sound like i put myself before us as a couple which is something i'd never do. ​ extra: english is not my mother language so if anyone wants to correct what i wrote they're more than welcome to teach me. ​

wibta if i tell my wife to stop commiting my spare time

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/adu3sy/wibta_if_i_tell_my_wife_to_stop_commiting_my/

2019-01-08 13:17:57

nah just have a talk with her, she probably isn’t doing it maliciously just be calm explain that you’d like a bit of free time to do things you like make sure you word it right. couples don’t have to do everything together. people nowadays believe they need to be inseparable and that’s silly.

nta. it’s courtesy to ask or at least run these plans by you. my husband and i always try to ask what we have planned or what’s upcoming before we make any set in stone plans.

nta. you're a couple. you have to plan together, not plan on behalf each other. i'd say this might even cross into nah teritory because she might not realize that she's doing it. if you have expected her to plan things related with your household (meals, parties, expecting her to remember the plans for you) this might be a natural consequence of that.

nta and that’s not what wives do. my husband and i are always asking one another about plans, and i’ve never signed him up for a visit at my parents without talking to him about it. the closest i’ve come to springing something on him is the time my dad has a heart attack, and you can’t really plan for that. i’d talk to her calmly about it, don’t turn it into a fight. maybe she doesn’t realize how much it is bothering you.

nah. from this in particular: > it didn't use to bother me as much as it does now. i think since i always say yes and try to work everything around to help her, she's gotten used to this and started taking my time and my opinion for granted. it definitely doesn't sound like she's intentionally trying to be controlling or anything. i mean, it's *possible*, but from what you tell us it sounds like it's just a case of you being so compliant and accommodating all the time that she's just got used to it and is taking it for granted. a minor offense at worst. given that, though, the fact that she doesn't seem to be aware of how it's bothering you, be kind in how you broach the subject. you don't need to coddle her, just remember that it's new information to her, not a preference of yours that she knew and ignored. > wibta if i tell her to stop doing this not sure if it's just because english isn't your native language (it's pretty solid though!), but worth addressing - i'd approach it as *asking* rather than *telling.* 'i'd like to have more of a role in making plans' vs. 'stop making plans without asking me first'. no need to make it confrontational when it doesn't need to be! ​ but seriously, neither of you is doing anything wrong at this point, i'm sure it'll work out fine :) good luck! ​

nta- the first thing a person needs to learn when they get married is how to say "i'm not sure- let me check with [spouse] and get back to you."

nta. you may be married, but that doesn't change the fact you are your own individual. it's okay once in awhile to plan something for each other's spare time, but if she's doing it all the time and it bothers you, you need to speak up.

nta she should ask instead of just assuming your compliance like you're a baby. it sounds like you're pretty giving in regards to your time and its ok to set boundaries. however, you should also be more open about this with her. shes not psychic. if you were more open in the past she may not have assumed your compliance now, even though thats still shit behavior.

nta - get google accounts and link them together, and then she can plan events on the google calendar and you'll get notified instantly, if you cant make it, decline the event.

just wanted to drop in and say that i think you meant to say you live in an apartment* (not department) and definitely nta

BENIGN

context : last summer, my mom had some construction work done at our house since she was working in another country. i (20f) went back home for the summer break. there were 2 men working there. one day i was reorganising some papers when i heard someone screaming for help outside of the house. i ran down the stairs to go outside and there i saw one of the construction workers on his back not able to move on the stairs made of stones in the garden. he basically fell right on his head on the hard stairs and was heavily bleeding. in that moment my brain froze and my body took over, i called the ambulance and put pressure on his wound as i asked him basic questions like « what’s your name » « what day is it »… the man had a memory reset every 30 seconds and i was all alone with him for 30 minutes. the ambulances finally made it and he was treated adequately. fast forward to last month, i received 10 texts and phone calls from the man where he said he wanted to see me and thank me because « without you i’ll be gone » but to be honest even thinking about him makes me freeze and so scared. i don’t think i could ever see him again even if he really wants to. i am so glad he is okay but seriously traumatised from this event. aita ?

aita for not wanting to see the man who’s life i saved, ever again

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yz06gu/aita_for_not_wanting_to_see_the_man_whos_life_i/

2022-11-19 01:26:04

nah but you need to see a therapist to resolve your trauma. he wants to meet up to thank you and maybe that will help you seeing him alive, well, not bleeding. i would meet up with him because it's probably going to be healing to both of you

nah. but if you don’t want to see him, i think telling him the truth is kindest. like “i am so glad you are ok. the accident was really traumatic for me and i haven’t really resolved it in therapy yet. i wish you all the best but don’t feel up to meeting.”

nah but seeing him alive and "normal" may help you with your trauma. i agree with pps that you should seek counseling and get the opinion of a pro. the lady who called 911 after my bike accident stopped by a few days later to see me - possibly because she psychologically needed to see something other than me gushing blood on her sidewalk

nah. tell him politely that you are glad he's ok but would rather not revisit that event again. do you feel like you need help process that trauma?

nah. it's totally understandable that he wants to thank the person who saved his life. it's also completely understandable that seeing another human being in that state, and being the one thing standing between them and death for an entire half hour, would be deeply unsettling. first responders get ptsd from seeing that kind of stuff, and they are trained professionals with proper support structures. if you are up for it maybe send a text explaining that while you are very glad he is okay and do not in any way regret doing what you did, it was a very traumatizing experience for you and you are simply not ready at this moment to face your trauma. maybe he can send you a letter, and when you feel ready, you can read it.

i was saved once from a lake i had fallen into. it was springtime in alaska and i fell in pretty late at night off the boat i was in (stupid drunk teenager). i was hypothermic and bleeding bad. i was taken via ambulance and luckily i came out of everything ok (stitches, arm sling). i wasn't sure if i would ever find out who had saved me. then one day as luck would have it i was at work and he ended up coming into my job. he was sat at one of my tables and asked about my arm. i told him the story and he introduced himself and told me how he was the one to pull me from the water. i thanked him and paid for his and his friends meals because that was all i was able to do at the time. nta, but maybe seeing and talking with him can end up helping with the trauma of that day.

nta you don't need to do something that makes you uncomfortable. your not obligated to be thanked in person.

nah probably, have you just been ignoring him? it shouldn't be a big deal, if he doesn't take no for an answer then he's the asshole of course, you shouldn't be ghosting him if that's what you're doing, people have commented excellent things you can say to him, get a friend to hold your hand if it's difficult for you to communicate with him, i doubt he'll take it the wrong way.

nta - but i will say this, years ago i was in a bad car accident, and i spent weeks trying to find the people who helped me. they saved me. i just had to thank them. it was something inside me that pushed me to do it. i talked to them 1 time, told them how thankful i was for what they did. and that was it. i still think about them to this day, but i am super appreciative of the fact that i got to say thank you.

nah. that sounds like such a terrifying experience for you. of course you wouldn't want a reminder of it. it's natural of him to want to meet and thank you, but you have every right to decline permanently.

BENIGN

i am an engineer and my boyfriend is a lawyer so we're doing well for ourselves financially. but i'm not into buying new, for environmental reasons and practicality reasons. i also think there are a lot of unethical business practices in fast fashion and i'd like to reduce my consumption because of that. i'd rather thrift for clothes and occasionally buy new from sustainable, ethical, clothes companies. it's not something i think of as gross or cheap or embarrassing, it feels normal to me, and it's the cool thing to do in my social circle too. a lot of my friends love thrifting too, and are into the whole sustainable lifestyle thing. my boyfriend has to shop for most of his good work clothes new, because his career is more image based and a lot of men's suits at thrift stores are older styles or not well enough fitting. but he likes thrifting with me for other stuff, like outdoor wear for hiking and camping, or casual clothes. recently my boyfriend had a big company dinner with his law firm, all the lawyers and their spouses would be there. i said i'd go, and i had a nice formal dress to wear. i'd gotten it at a goodwill in the wealthy part of town and it was from a really upscale brand (i checked later, it's called black halo and their dresses are literally hundreds of dollars new) so at the party, a couple of the lawyer's girlfriends and wives complimented my dress and one woman asked where it was from. i was like "goodwill in (wealthy neighborhood)! i've found the most amazing things there!" my boyfriend changed the topic right away to something else but at the time i didn't notice it was a deliberate distraction. later, my boyfriend took me aside and asked what i was thinking, saying i got my dress at goodwill? i said "what, she asked and that's where i got it." he said it was embarrassing; like it or not law was very image focused and i was hurting his image in front of all his co-workers and boss. he asked me to look around; his co-workers wives and girlfriends are wearing luxury brands and none of them were thrifting, or if they were they'd never admit to it. he was right, that is kind of the culture in that group. aita for saying what i did or is my boyfriend wrong to care?

aita for saying i got my dress at goodwill in front of my boyfriend's coworkers and boss, embarrassing him?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dprld6/aita_for_saying_i_got_my_dress_at_goodwill_in/

2019-10-31 18:21:50

nah, i admire you. keep spreading the word, that's how change happens!

nah, but it absolutely was a faux pas. you wrote it yourself, image matters in his career. when you're at a career function for him, you're part of his image. next time answer such a question with the brand of the dress, or avoid the direct answer some other way. whatever. it's kind of a stupid standard, but it's definitely a standard, and it can indeed affect their view of him and thus his career.

nah- he needs to make a good impression at work, and as you said, its imaged focused. he doesn't want you to be the outcast, etc. you like to thrift, thats fine. maybe say its vintage next time, or something. little white lies are necessary to get along sometimes, when in rome, do as the romans do, etc. is it fair? no, but life isn't fair.

nta - i don't think your boyfriend is wrong to care, it's what the corporate culture demands within his field i guess, but you're absolutely not wrong for being honest or for wearing something that you got from an "unsavoury" place. you're awesome for caring about the environment! did the other people even notice or care? it seems your bf made a big deal out of nothing. if those law snobs are offended by that, well, boohoo.

soft yta - while yes this is petty in a way. lawyers live off of their image and this might have repercussions for him. how he's viewed by his coworkers and boss, how they're going to treat him going forward, etc.

nta - i know plenty of lawyers that love a good bargain

nta. what’s the point in faking poshness and spending absurd amounts of money? i’ve gotten some on my best clothes and shoes at resale and trading stores. if he’s embarrassed by how little money you spent on something, maybe he needs a reality check in that price tags don’t mean shit. he sounds a bit too concerned over appearing wealthy and elite, likely because that’s what he’s constantly surrounded by.

nah - no asshole here, but you have to realize your boyfriend understands his company’s culture. shit like this might effect his peers perception of who he is (who he hangs out with) and potential growth opportunities / promotion. it’s all about branding both internally and externally. just because reddit doesn’t like this type of culture ~~pretentious people~~ doesn’t mean you won’t deal with then in real life. if you are not used to this type of culture, consider it a learning experience.

as someone whose wardrobe is 90% thrifted, i think yta here. some people have jobs that are full of snooty people who put way too much stock in wealth/appearances. do those people suck? hell yeah. but those people are your bf's co-workers, whose judgement he has to deal with, not you. it wasn't on purpose, but you made your bf look bad in front of his coworkers and that makes you the asshole. you could have just said you got it from the brand's website and left it at that.

nah - sometimes you just have to play the game. you're still doing your part by shopping secondhand even if you don't share that with everyone. if it is important to your boyfriend for his career/image then i would just let it go. some people are really shitty about secondhand goods and it is probably just not the right group to share it with.

BENIGN

we live in a rural area, and our one-eyed cat got outside and went missing a few weeks ago. we'd been looking everywhere for her, but we couldn't find her. well today while i was taking out the trash, i noticed a furball over in the yard and said to myself "god no, please god no" but it was her corpse. i walked over there and she was bloated, seemed alright except for frizzy fur and her back feet were missing. when i picked her up using a garbage bag, her leg bones poked through the plastic. i went inside and told my parents, then asked my brother to finish up the trash explaining the situation. he got mad and started telling me to let him see the corpse, cussing at me, but i told him no and said he needed to trust me. he's fourteen. my dad agreed and told him not to go look until i'd buried it. well come the next day, he's still mad and bumping into me purposefully in the halls and such, speaking to me in single words, and generally acting mean. should i have let him see the corpse? she was all bloated and torn up by her paws, which we named her for. socks.

aita for refusing to let my brother see our cat's mutilated corpse?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b1fmpt/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_brother_see_our_cats/

2019-03-15 14:30:06

nah. your brother didn’t need to see that, but i can see why he would want to. it’s a part of the grieving process. sorry about your cat :/

nta. i can understand why he said he wanted to see as he was probably in shock, but actually seeing something like that can fuck you up especially if he's only 14. i think you did him a favor.

nah the picture of that cat would have stuck in your brothers head for a long time. i can understand your brother for wanting to say goodbye and grief but imo you saved him from a really traumatic picture in his head. his memories of the cat should be good ones.

nta. this is terrible situation and i'm so sorry that something like this happened to you, i'm sure that your brother will understand one day. you did what's best for him. letting him see the corpse could cause a trauma, it could do nothing either but it was better not to risk it.

nah - but it may be helpful for him in his grieving process to see it. he's old enough imo.

nah. went through the same thing when i was about 11. my cat (the first pet i ever had) was hit by a car and my mom refused to let me see her before she was put down. she said she didn't want me to see her like that, and i was so upset that i couldn't say goodbye. fast forward a few years, we had to put my dog down and i couldn't even stay in the room a few minutes because it was so hard for me to watch. seeing my first pet that way would have absolutely ruined me at that age, but i didn't know that at the time. that being said, i worry about why he wanted to see it. was it actually because he wanted to say goodbye/to grieve, or did he just want to see something dead and gross? if it's the latter then it's a little concerning that he'd be so angry about it

nah. you saved your brother the heartbreak from seeing the poor cat. he’s understandably upset. but seeing a dead pet - especially in the condition you described - is hard to get over. i’m sure you both loved the cat and he might be upset with you for a while, but don’t let that make you forget that you were protecting him and did that right thing.

nah. i can understand why he’d be upset, but at the same time you did him a favor. i’ve had pets die and the memories of their corpses really stick in your mind. that’s really not an image he needs to have stuck in there. let him remember your cat as it was in life. you did a good thing, i think. i’m sorry about what happened to your cat.

nah your dad agreed so at that point you were just respecting his decision after you said it. i might have done it differently but idk. he's upset over the cat, just give him time to grieve

nah. your brother feels betrayed at the moment and hurt because he loved the cat, but at that age having his last memory of it being seeing its mangled corpse would probably haunt him. give him some time to work through the hurt and i honestly think in the end when he's older he will thank you. i think he's being mean mostly because he's hurt about the cat, not because of what you did.

BENIGN

so before the story, here's some context that is essential. i (21m) am ethnically indian even though i've lived my life in the u.s. and because of my parents being first generation immigrants, i have had a healthy mix of both indian and american cultures in my life, which i am thankful for. my girlfriend (20f) is an extremely beautiful white american with blonde hair. we both met and are still in college in northern california. so, onto the story. for our two year anniversary, we decided to do a weekend trip to la to go to disneyland, something saved up for since we're still college students. here's where the issue begins. throughout the day at disney, every time i walked past another indian couple or group, i would be getting nasty stares. fine, whatever, i love her and she loves me so i'm not going to let a few looks get inside my head too much, but still, it wasn't the best feeling in the world. when we were in line for one of the rides with a longer than normal wait time, we had an indian family right in front of us. there were the couple, and their two children, a guy who seemed to be high school age and a girl that seemed around middle school. immediately, the wife noticed that i was holding my girlfriend's hand and shot me a look. i was kinda getting used to it at this point, but then she decided she wanted me to be an example to her children. in hindi (which i speak) she immediately went onto a rant about how i was what was wrong about indians in america now and that she couldn't stand it. i noticed the boy was kinda worried and embarrassed and asked her in hindi about what if i understood her, to which she said "anyone like us that dates white women is a failure to our parents and can't speak hindi". at this point i was visibly upset, and my girlfriend noticed and asked what was wrong. i didn't want to get into it, especially because we've faced situations like this before and it leaves us both feeling shitty, something that i didn't want to take away from our trip. so i let it go. later, back at our hotel, my girlfriend again asked me why i seemed so angry in that line, and after bugging me for a bit, i calmly explained it to her. she got upset at me that i wouldn't tell her, and thought that i didn't want to bring it up to her because i was embarrassed about dating her. she's quite upset with me at the moment, and i'm really wanting to explain it was because i didn't want to ruin our day at disney, but she said she just wanted some space right now. i really love her and i don't know if i'm the asshole for not telling her about it originally instead of waiting till she kept asking to finally tell her. my friends think i should've told her right away, but i was just trying to make our (personally for us) rather expensive trip a good time. tl;dr: i, an indian, and my girlfriend, a white woman, were racially abused in line at disneyland in hindi, and i didn't tell her right away what they were saying.

aita for not telling my girlfriend what i heard on our two year anniversary trip?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cvw3fz/aita_for_not_telling_my_girlfriend_what_i_heard/

2019-08-26 23:38:07

nah, except for the woman in line ahead of you. i’d love for you to have busted out with a reply to her in hindi then proceed to tell your girlfriend what was being said. call them out! but truly, you should tell her when it’s happening so you two can support each other. this may happen for many many years. figure out a way to get through it together.

nah. look, i'm a black guy in a relationship with a white woman. i'm also the product of an interracial relationship (my dad is black, my mom is a racially white latina). i know how awful it feels to be in the position you were in. right now, your gf feels like you stripped her of some of her autonomy. you essentially decided for her that these people talking badly about you was not worth a confrontation. she clearly would have preferred the chance for you two to "stand up for yourselves." you've been together for about two years now, so it's absolutely time to start having these sorts of uncomfortable conversations, since you are both potentially in this for the long haul. now you know she does not believe that "ignorance is bliss." she wants to know when this sort of thing is happening in the moment. you also know now that keeping this sort of thing from her isn't protecting her or protecting your time together in her opinion; she wants to be a real team and face a little unpleasantness together as a couple, rather than have you bear the weight of this sort of thing alone for her sake and lie to her by omission (even if just for a little while). that's her right. you just couldn't have really known that's what she preferred until you ran into this situation. so, you need to sit her down and explain that while you understand why she is upset and you do want to work towards being closer partners, when it's all said and done, she's also being kind of unfair to you. you have literally decades of experience over her when it comes to dealing with racism and racially-motivated judgement (specifically within the indian community). it's easier for her to want to speak up or be confrontational when she's coming from a different cultural context. you have way more information than she does when you're deciding if it's worth trying to say something to these people or if it's not worth your time at all. as a person of color, you have a lifetime of experience picking and choosing these sorts of battles - otherwise, you'd just be wasting so much time arguing with people who are never going to actually listen to you and change for the better. once a bouncer made me wait after letting all of my white friends into a bar, and my gf said something when i had decided i was okay waiting another 20 minutes or whatever in order to get in and enjoy the rest of my night. i'll never forget how shocked my gf was when she spoke up and got us both immediately ejected from the venue. my gf had to learn the hard way that when she puts us into a confrontational situation, the rules or engagement are going to be different for me (because i'm not white) than they have always been for her, so she needs to be pickier and more careful if she is actually prioritizing my safety and comfort. basically, while we are absolutely equals, when it comes to dealing with racism, i'm basically the expert opinion on the issue within our relationship. now, as a couple, we have a much better understanding of each other's needs and values when we're faced with a racist situation, and so we know how we should operate as a team. cut your girl some slack and ask her to do the same for you. then talk to her about how you want to operate as a team when you're up against these sorts of situations.

nah. except that woman in line of course. since you haven’t had the chance yet to explain to her, you can understand why she might think that you are ashamed, especially since it is historically something that upsets her. you are not in the wrong at all either. you wanted your girlfriend to have fun and not worry. that’s great. hopefully when she calms down a bit she will understand.

nah, although if i were you i would have found it very satisfying to tell that young boy, in hindi, that his mom is a small minded dog, and that her kind of bigotry, across all races, is what's actually wrong with america today. but now that you know how your girlfriend feels, if something similar ever happens again, you can tell your girlfriend, in english, very loudly, exactly what the woman said, so that everyone near by can hear it.

you say you didn’t tell her because you didn’t want to ruin the trip, yet we’re acting upset enough for her to notice and be concerned and then denying it. idk if that makes you an asshole but like, c’mon dude. either ignore the rude comments and enjoy your time or stand up for yourself and get it off your chest right away. pretending you don’t care while simultaneously moping about it is just not helpful. i’ll say nta because fuck rude people. i hate confrontation but i know if i were in your shoes i wouldn’t be able to just let it roll off my back either.

nah. from an outsider perspective it's easy to see both sides. common casual racism sucks, and that other mom has some serious problems. what you could have done was just tell her you'd explain later when you were in a more private setting. or you could have straight up called out the mom in front of your gf, potentially causing more issues. your gf needs to know you're not embarrassed by her or being with her.

oooomf op it's even worse when you are an indian female. whenever i go out with my boyfriend (tall, white guy with visible tattoos) to a tourist destination or where there will be indian people i get all kinda looks. i once had a random uncle-ji come up to me say what a shame i was to my family. you nta it's hard for your girlfriend to understand what we have been going through all our lives. but hopefully she calms down and you guys work it out.

yta, but for 2 reasons. one, you should have told her, it's a fact of your relationship and she should be aware of the things these horrible people do. two, you should have called disney security and pressed a verbal harassment complaint, even though it was in hindi. at the very least, these people would have known that this is not the place (not that there really is any place this is acceptable) for that. it violates disneyland policy under the terms of "guest courtesy" and reads: *please show common courtesy to fellow guests and our cast members by not using profanity or engaging in unsafe, illegal,* ***disruptive or offensive behaviour****, jumping lines or saving places in lines for others. for your safety and the safety of others, please refrain from running.*

nah- i totally get wanting to shield her, however you guys are a team which means you need to share things like this

nah it is a part of your relationship. i'm black with a white husband. being in an interracial relationship comes with baggage sometimes. it is unfortunate but it happens. your girlfriend knows that. your girlfriend has her own issues to deal with for dating you, i promise. it is more frustrating to be cut out of a conversation and censored by someone else. all relationships have things to deal with. this is one of them. work on it together.

BENIGN

some backstory of the situation. everyone involved in this situation used to be very close friends. my best man, let’s call him doug and one of the bridesmaids, call her suzy, used to be together for 8 years and were engaged at the end of their relationship. however suzy called off the engagement and ended the relationship out of nowhere. (at least it seemed that way at the time) (also not that it really matters, but doug financially supported her through high school and college when suzy’s parents pretty much abandoned her) added note: my fiancé(let’s call her jessica), is good friends with suzy, hence why suzy is chosen to be a bridesmaid. we come to find out that suzy started dating a close friend of mine and doug’s in secret, until they finally decided to tell everyone. let’s call him chad. and there is some evidence that their might of been at least an emotional relation going on between before suzy ended her relationship with doug.

aita for not wanting one of my fiancé’s bridesmaids boyfriend at our wedding?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cu09nr/aita_for_not_wanting_one_of_my_fiancés/

2019-08-22 17:01:22

nah. weddings are fun, aren't they? nothing like 100 of your closest friends and family that have spent years pissing each other off getting drunk one afternoon and seeing what happens. you don't give ages, but if you are all out of college then you are adults and should be able to act as such. invite them all, tell them that the others are invited. if they do not think they can act like grown-ups for one day then they should respectfully decline the invitation.

nah i mean, it just sounds rough all around but no one is being an asshole. maybe suzy didn't handle it in the best way at the end but it sounds like she just ended a relationship before starting a new one. sucks for your friend but that's life. depending on how recent this was, i guess it's hard to say what the right answer is. but as you are all adults, it feels a bit childish to not invite a bridesmaids partner because of a past relationship.

yta. not for the invitation list and choosing not to invite chad. but, because of the way you write off suzy as some floozy. > however suzy called off the engagement and ended the relationship out of nowhere. (at least it seemed that way at the time) (also not that it really matters, but doug financially supported her through high school and college when suzy’s parents pretty much abandoned her) because her boyfriend did nice boyfriend things including financial help she's indebted to him for life, and wasn't able to back out of a relationship she didn't want to be in? i know you said didn't matter, but at the same time you wrote it so it does matter in your mind. you know why suzy and chad probably kept their relationship secret after the fact? because she probably thought her friends would be judgmental which your post seems pretty judgmental. i read in one of your comments they have been together a year, so this isn't just some fling. even though things ended "out of the blue"(you are never privy to the inner workings of other people's relationship so you have no idea how things were going behind closed doors) she's in what sounds to be a stable relationship with chad. you just seem bitter that she didn't stick it out with doug even though she didn't do anything wrong by your own post. your compromise sucks because if my partner of one year couldn't come i wouldn't want to be in your wedding. > the break up alone took a toll on doug, took him months to get to get back to normal, it really broke his heart. again, it sounds like doug is the one with issues here. i know break ups suck especially after a long-term relationship, but harboring ill will against suzy who from what info i do have didn't cheat or do anything mean to him besides move on. you guys have to let go. what's her only option to get back in your good graces no matter how bad things are with doug stick it out with him and marry him?

yta. the dude financially supporting suzy through school does not obligate suzy to continue to have sex with him. how did he financially support her while she was in high school? you don’t know why they broke up. suzy clearly didn’t want to air the dirty laundry in order to keep the friend group together. the younger a relationship starts, the higher the probability it will fail. suzy and doug were the most common result of a high school romance. that’s not something you should punish her for forever.

nta fuck suzy, chad and their entire lying, back stabbing esixtence together. when friends fuck over friends.......it is only a matter of time before other friends ds get fucked over by the same friend(s). leopards do not change their spots.

nah because i do think you’re just trying to protect your friend but at the same time, to my knowledge/in my experience, members of the wedding party get to bring their so.

yta - people are allowed to break up and start dating other people. susie fell out of love with your friend. that happens. particularly when the relationship began in high school. (you have no proof she cheated.) him supporting her is just what partners do for each other. i understand your instinct to protect your friend, but i’m sure even doug’s therapist would tell him that he needs to make peace with the fact that susie is now in a relationship. and that he should be able to handle being in the same room as her and her new boyfriend two years after the breakup

nah. i think a conversation needs to be had. your fiance is nta for trying to avoid conflict, you just need to help her understand this is going to cause future conflict.

nah (i'm only judging you and your fiancee) it's a legitimate concern of yours. i can also see jessica's point, in general, giving everybody a plus 1 but suzy is going to stick out. by doing that, you're basically accusing suzy of *definitely* cheating on doug (at least emotionally). i can understand her not wanting to do that since you aren't 100% positive. honestly though, i don't think it's a great compromise. i think if it's going to impact doug, it'll impact him whether chad shows up or not. i don't know if there is a compromise to be made, it may have to be all or nothing when it comes to suzy.

i am going to say nta. this isn't about her bridesmaid its about you two. that person was part of the reason that two friends seemingly had issues already and adding him will just make it more strange.

BENIGN

okay reddit, please decide this for me: growing up i was never allowed to go trick or treating. my family went so far as to shut themselves in the basement with all the lights off just to avoid receiving any evil trick or treaters. this has led to my total lack of knowledge for trick or treating etiquette. for example, when i was 16 i was so excited that i was away from my family on halloween and was gonna give t&t a try, but my friends told me i was too old. well now i have a 7 month old and i just really want to go trick or treating with him. to be honest, i love showing him off. he's extremely social and going door-to-door meeting people will make his day. and, being completely candid, free candy would be awesome. i had everything planned, costume ready, and then i had a dream that i went trick or treating and people were pissed off saying he was too young and i was just using him for candy. now i don't know whether i should go or not. wibta?

wibta if i took a baby trick or treating?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dpc1i0/wibta_if_i_took_a_baby_trick_or_treating/

2019-10-30 20:07:42

nah but imo it wouldn't be appropriate to take your 7 month old trick or treating. you might enjoy handing out candy to the neighborhood kids instead. you could even wear a costume. i understand you missed out on being able to celebrate but trying to score free candy when it's obvious your child isn't even old enough to eat candy is kind of a misstep. going house to house saying "look at my cute baby! he has no idea what's going on! candy please!" would be... not at all the spirit of the holiday. i don't think doing it makes you an asshole. and i don't think trick or treating when you're outside of the "appropriate age" group is a problem, personally, but i just don't understand why you want to drag your baby around outside all night around screaming children, asking strangers for candy.

nta i don't care how old someone is, if you show up in costume at my house you're getting candy. baby or adult, it doesn't matter. i love seeing babies all dressed up and if it costs me a mini candy bar, well, so be it! have fun!

nta. it is for the baby. the baby will be out wearing a costume spending quality time with his parents doing something festive and fun. it doesn't matter that the baby can't eat candy. the act of wearing a costume and seeing all the fun halloween lights and decorations by knocking door to door is well worth it. 7-month-olds are far more interested in light bulbs and decorations than in chocolate. the candy is just part of the process. you could absolutely trick-or-treat at 16 years old if you go late enough. after 7 or 8 pm, candy is fair game for teens and young adults. i trick-or-treated in college with a friend group that included graduate students.

nta. i am very happy to see cute babies in halloween costumes show up at my door. i don’t mind that their parents are the ones who will eat the candy. i think people who are miserly about who gets their precious candy are pitiable souls. it could be a 40 year old sipping their glass of bourbon for all i care, if they ring the bell and say “trick or treat” they are getting candy. have fun with your baby!

take your kid! it will be fun for both of you. also, people who give out candy love seeing little kids and babies dressed in cute costumes. there is no age that is too young or too old to go trick or treating. nta!

in my opinion, you’re just going for yourself since your 7 month old won’t retain any of the experience, and that’s a bit of a yta move. on the other hand, people will probably coo over the little baby and be happy about it. you should look into renting someone else’s toddler to bring with you too.

nta. holidays are for everyone to enjoy, young and old. and i know for a fact that old people (source: my grandma and her friends) make it somewhat of a competition; the cuter the kid and the costume, the more candy they get. and babies always win.

yta, sorry. he is too young. you're doing it for yourself, not for him. you should get him in his little costume and even wear one yourself, and have fun greeting the kids who come to your door. there will be many chances in years to come to enjoy this tradition with him.

nta go trick or treating! who cares if it's for you or for your baby. go show your baby and your costumes off!

yta please don’t go trick r treating with the child until they can actually eat the candy. the baby won’t remember and most people will think you’re weird if it’s just you and a baby at their door. maybe dress them up super cute and take a stroll around the mall tomorrow night instead?

BENIGN

my wife and i have been married for 2 years. before, she had been married briefly to a childhood sweetheart, whom she had been friends with since she was 10. unfortunately he passed away not long after their marriage. his first name is french, “étienne” which means stephen in english. my wife and i are expecting a baby boy, and he will have a first name and two middle names. my wife wants the second (not third, sorry, edited) middle name to be “stephen” in memory of her late friend and husband. i accept that she has a past, but i don’t feel comfortable giving her first husband’s name to my son, even if it will be a middle name and translated to english. aita? i talked over this with my sister and she thinks i’m overreacting.

aita for not wanting to use my wife’s first husband’s name as our son’s middle name?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ixmnrh/aita_for_not_wanting_to_use_my_wifes_first/

2020-09-22 12:45:11

i understand why you are uncomfortable with the name stephen, but i think it's important to awknoweldge that your wife has a history and loved a man before you. she translated his name, so it's not the same name and wants to keep the memory of her first husband alive. i don't think she is the ah and i don't think you are the ah, i think naming a child is a hard process and i can see both sides. nah

nah. you are allowed to be uncomfortable with it but it's perfectly understandable that she would like to commemorate her deceased partner in this way. unfortunately the fact that nobody is in the wrong here sort of makes it harder to reach a solution rather than easier! i would suggest having a long deep conversation with your wife to figure out exactly why you are uncomfortable with it. is there something either of you can do that will help you be more comfortable with giving your son this middle name? is there something else you can both do together to honour her deceased husband's memory without giving your son this name? just gotta talk it out and see if there's a way to do or not do this that gives you both what you need. good luck!

nta. it’s reasonable for you to be uncomfortable with this. both parties should have unlimited veto power when it comes to names. i can understand her desire since this person was her best friend and a huge part of her life and personality. however, your feelings regarding this are normal, valid, and should be respected.

nah my middle name is my father's late wife name, i never thought it was weird. my mother always spoke about her affectionately, even though she never met her. we didnt have photos up in the house or anything, but my dad had photos of her in old photo albums, and we were all familiar with her name and face and talked about her fondly whenever she came up in conversation, but she never felt like a constant presence or sad story or anything in our house, just a person who loved dad and he loved her and they were married and she died. i've always been really proud of my middle name and when i was a kid i used to think she was probably in heaven somewhere (haha i was a kid after all) and that she was probably happy to see my dad happy again and married with kids. i felt honoured to be named after her. it's ok to feel how you feel about it, but it's not weird for your wife to want to name your child after someone who was precious to her and is now gone.

nta. i would be uncomfortable with it myself. if the guy had just been a life long friend that's one thing but married? i'm not sure i could do that. y'all need to have a conversation about exactly why she wants this and explain how it makes you feel.

i’m going with nah so for her... i sympathize with her loss but honoring her late husband via her kids name is inappropriate at best. that said, you guys need to talk this out because her late husband didn’t divorce her or leave her. he died. that means he is always going to be a part of her. i don’t think either of you are assholes though

for the record, i’m french and fluent in english and i never ever heard that the translation of étienne was stephen. you would use stéphane for stephen. étienne doesn’t have a translation, at least not that we, in france, know of.

nta as it is your kid too and the names should be ones both of you are comfortable with. this includes all the names, not must the middle names.

nah it is your child you have the right to want to call your son something that you are comfortable with. giving the circumstances i don't think your wife is being an a h but i think your objection is more than justified. obviously try be delicate in the way you approach the situation

nta. i don’t think i’d like to commemorate my significant other’s previous love by naming my child after them. that’s sort of a bold request on her part. plus, 3 middle names? that’s going to be a heckin’ long name!

BENIGN

background: last year in january my wife has a miscarriage, it was hard on us and it took a couple months to get back to normal. then my future sister in law around the end of summer also had a miscarriage. my wife and i also became licensed foster parents as well. story: so we found out my wife was pregnant and wanted to share the news with our families. we knew my future sister in-law was struggling a little bit with the miscarriage so we waited to tell her and my brother until he said was a good time. that was about a month ago. here recently a few things have started happening: 1. we are receiving our first foster child soon. 2. we can feel and see somewhat the baby kicking. we were excited and wanted to share the news with our families on our group chat. next thing i know i see that she has left the group chat. we understand what she went through and everything and by no means wanted to hurt her if we did. so are wta?

aita for my wife and i being excited about being our future kids?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fmxi28/aita_for_my_wife_and_i_being_excited_about_being/

2020-03-22 09:54:32

nah. you tried to be sensitive. not sure about doing it on a group chat rather than talking to her in person, but maybe you are self-isolating? you have happy news and you should be happy. try and be sensitive and keep being sensitive. but you can’t feel guilty for having something good or we’d all have to be miserable all the time because someone always has it worse.

nah, she didn't raise a fuss. she left, probably to spare herself a bit of grief. you shared your news. as the plethora of baby celebrations shows, people do that.

nah you’re not the asshole but neither is she. if she needs space let her have it, it’s not directly about you

nah and her response is pretty normal. we had to terminate our pregnancy for medical reasons (trisomy 18). for my sanity i had to remove myself from all the baby reddit groups, my cousins facebook that is basically just her baby now and a lot of family functions (we have family that tell ask us when we are having kids and to use ivf even though we are fertile etc). i’m mostly past the pain 3 weeks out from the surgery but i still think about it sometimes and i worry about the future. it really tested our relationship too and part of that is healing as well. i know your sister had more time but it could still hurt. if she is like me, she wants to be happy for you but right now she just can’t.

nah! congratulations! your sister in law has made a decision for herself that she does not wish to be around the baby news on tbe group chat and you guys get to be excited about your news. you've handled it as maturely as you possibly could.

nah. she left for self-preservation. nobody did anything wrong.

nah miscarriage as you know can make you behave very differently than you normally would. you also don't know if she has extenuating fertility issues that she's struggling with. just be careful around her talking about the baby too much. but at the same time this is a very exciting time for you and your wife, congratulations!! i'm sure she will come around and everything will be fine.

nah congrats on your pregnancy and the coming foster child. ♥️♥️ you've done nothing wrong sharing the news. future sil's pain is tremendous. she isn't yelling about it, she's being an adult. none of what she does is personal, it's just trying to get through it without making waves. on a side note, if other family members are giving her grief because she's not happy enough to please them right now, or telling her to "get over it and stop ruining this" by being quiet, she will retreat even more. ask her if she's ok if you see that happening. talk to her about the day to day of her life, not the baby. she's not an ah, but it's really hard to be the only person in the room with no child and know you may never get another chance to be a mother. been there.

nah. i sympathize with her. when my wife and i had our first miscarriage (first pregnancy) i deleted all my social media because i would get either depressed or enraged by all my friends posting stuff about their pregnancies or kids. it wasn’t there fault i was just dealing with a lot and struggled to cope. don’t take it personally and i’m sure she will be happy for you once she has had time to process her grief in her own time and way.

nah. you’re allowed to be excited and she’s allowed to remove herself from the chat if it’s too much for her to handle right now.

BENIGN

i (22f) have been unemployed for two years despite trying to find a job. it's embarrassing having to live off my parents.... it's embarrassing when someone asks what i "do" my boyfriend (28m) has been pushing me to find a job and i appreciate the fact that i need one. i want one desperately. now he has a absolutely-no-secrets rule which is usually a good thing. he wants to know if i go out with friends or have a change in medication ect, he doesn't like hiding things. i have an interview tomorrow but i don't want to tell anyone especially him. i don't want people to be disappointed in me if i don't get the job. i'm embarrassed enough as it is. i know he's suspicious because i told him i had to pick up some paperwork instead of telling him the truth.

wibta for not telling my boyfriend i have a job interview?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iibift/wibta_for_not_telling_my_boyfriend_i_have_a_job/

2020-08-28 17:33:49

nah: but i would consider telling him. instead of being disappointed if you don't get a job, it could reaffirm to him that you are indeed looking and taking his concerns seriously. also, no secrets rules are dumb. i get no "major" secrets, but it's impossible to have "no secrets", nor is it reasonable to expect.

nta. you guys need to talk about whether it's ok for one personal to unilaterally decide that he has a "no secrets of any kind" rule, because that sounds like something he is dictating to you. everyone at some point wants a little breathing space for one reason or another. i'm concerned about your boyfriend's "rule" because (1) inflexibility (2) unreasonable expectations and (3) lack of respect for privacy tick several "controlling and potentially abusive" boxes. look carefully at his behavior, and ask yourself how he handles conflicting desires or situations where he isn't getting what he wants. if he can't negotiate with you as an equal and place some limits on his own demands, it's not a good sign.

i think the real issue here is you need to talk about the boundaries of the "no secrets" rule. what's the difference, for instance, between a "secret" (i went to see xyz movie and never told you) and information that is not appropriate to share at a certain time ("i had an interview and wasn't comfortable telling you about it beforehand in case it didn't work out")? that rule sounds controlling and unhealthy in my opinion. you are nta for not being comfortable telling him yet/ever.

nta, and i think that "no-secrets"-rule needs to go. it's not reasonable to be expected to share absolutely everything as it happens, sometimes you need at little time to decompress to know what you are thinking and feeling. i think it's potentially harmful emotionally to have to share everything straight away.

nta been there, done that, all for the same reasons. being unemployed is bad enough. sharing each failure is the worst of it

>now he has a absolutely-no-secrets rule which is usually a good thing. he wants to know if i go out with friends or have a change in medication ect, he doesn't like hiding things. nta and this kinda has the vibes of a red flag. do you have to ask to go out with friends? does he demand to know where you are at all times?

nta. it isn't his business, you're not living off him, you're living off your parents (temporarily). it's kinda weird he has a 'no secrets rule' and expects you to have the same thing, while it's good to a certain degree, you're entitled to privacy, especially at 22 years old, and you aren't obligated to tell him every single thing.

nta - but he sounds like an absolute prince /s no secrets? like at all? does he expect you to report shape and color of bowel movements? you really don't have to tell him everything right away if you aren't comfortable with it, especially seeing as this is something that doesn't effect him personally. if it's bad enough that it's causing you anxiety, then -🚩

nta - but don't let insecurity become toxic. you can manage his expectations while being honest or you can avoid revealing the interview until you know the results, but if he asks you directly don't lie. the last thing you want to do is let your insecurity cause damage to your relationship. now if he's been pushing you to get a job in a negative (non-supportive) manner that's an entirely different subject that you'll need to address. is your bf the kind to boost your confidence? if so def tell him and accept his praise and support. if he's not; why are you with him? our loved ones should lift us up when we're down and feeling insecure. fear of rejection is natural. give him a chance to be supportive if you believe he would be supportive. sharing you fears with your partner reveals who they are more than it reveals you.

nta you are not required to tell your boyfriend about every appointment you have. you don't want to "jinx" it and i get that completely. your life, your interview, your business.

BENIGN

i need some outside opinions on this. throwaway because she knows my reddit handle. my fiancee, 22, and me, 21, have two cats. she grew up with always having dogs, so is experienced in raising and caring for dogs. she moved in with me a year ago and then we got both of our cats after that. both cats dumped on us. we have raised from the brink of death back to health. they absolutely adore us, but favor me over her when it comes to bedtime and couch vegging. she recently expressed interest in adopting a dog. so she could have companionship when off work as she works 3 12 hour shifts a week. i of course said yes, so we started looking to adopt at the local shelter, we found a dog after a week of searching and the shelter said that she was great with other dogs and cats alike. we placed the application for adoption and were approved immediately, so we brought the dog home (chow chow mix) the first day we spent with a professional dog trainer helping us do introductions, the dog at first didn't care about the cats, but after 3 days she has started growling whenever she sees them, lunging snarling, etc. basically if we didn't have the dog leashed she wouldve attacked and tried to kill the cats. we tried separating them into rooms but nothing has worked. i told her i dont want to see our cats torn to shreds if our super visions lapsed. we never leave the dog with the cats obviously, as she is crate trained. just today the dog has lunged at one of our cats snarling and growling. i told her we cant keep the dog and need to bring it back to the shelter as it's only a matter of time before a cat ends up dead or seriously injured. am i the asshole here? i feel like i'm ruining what could be a great friendship with her new dog, but at the same time i dont want our cats to end up dead.

aita for making my fiancee return her newly adopted dog?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/affmgx/aita_for_making_my_fiancee_return_her_newly/

2019-01-13 04:07:53

nah. it isn't as if you wanted to return the dog immediately. you worked with a trainer to do a proper introduction. some dogs just cannot get on with cats. the shelter thought that the dog was ok with cats, but that probably came from just short introductions. this is unfortunate, but mistakes happen. i understand that your girlfriend likes the dog and has already bonded with it, but your cats have a right to be at peace in their home, as do you. this dog is not the right dog for your household. the shelter should make sure the dog doesn't go to a home with cats, and you need to find a dog that gets on well with cats. try again. you will find the right dog.

nah— if anyone’s the asshole, it’s the shelter. chows are notorious for not getting along with other animals, especially cats because they have a high prey drive. that being said, if you do take the dog back and get another— please do breed research before adopting. this was an easily avoidable mistake.

nta sounds like the shelter lied about how well the dog would get along with other animals.

nta . look this may sound harsh but there's hundreds of perfectly good natured dogs in need of homes to waste your time on an aggressive one. i would return the dog with the reasoning being you were told she was good with cats and she is trying to kill them, thus you are not an appropriate home. you have to look after the animals you already own first.

nah. you did everything you could to make it work.. when adopting an already grown dog, there is always a risk that the dog won't be a good match for your household. i understand its hard to bring a dog back, after you have already brought it home. but for the saftey of all the animals, its the right thing to do. your kitties don't deserve to live in terror, especially because that was their home first. you can always adopt another dog. their are plenty of dogs who need good homes, and also plenty of dogs that are great with cats! you just need to keep looking to find the right one.

nta - some rescue dogs can't be mixed with cats, and vice versa. just tell the people at the shelter what's going on, and they will have to understand. they may not like it, but you have to look out for your cats first. they were there, you raised them back from the brink of death. they are more part of your family, and your new doggo isn't safe to be left alone around them. i advise in this situation to get a puppy. could be a rescue puppy, but getting a pup from a person whose dog got preggers would be just as good. a lot of accidental litters of pups end up in shelters, so you're preemptively rescuing by adopting from someone like that.

nta. my now-husband and i tried twice to adopt dogs, with a cat already at home. both times we had to return the dog because of prey drive. granted i have no experience with dogs, and we didn’t try a trainer, but my already-furbaby was priority over trying to add a new family member. and felt giving the dog back sooner was better than hanging on too long and both the dog and us getting too attached to each other. we ended up just adopting another cat. there are many dogs out there. you might have better luck adopting from a foster family where the dog has been living with cats.

nta. if you keep that dog you will likely come home to your cats torn apart. this happened to my boss, they adopted a kitten and did everything by the book with intros, everything seemed fine until a few weeks later the dog killed the cat in front of her little kids. you've done everything right but this dog just is not the right match for your family. keep your cats safe. gl

nta return the dog and tell the shelter exactly why it's being returned.

nta we adopted a supposedly cat-friendly chow mix from the shelter and she killed one of our cats. it sounds like you did everything right to try and make this work, but you'll never be able to trust this dog around your cats.

BENIGN

i've been dating my girlfriend for about a year now and have been talking a lot about what we're looking for longterm. she's great and i can see a future with her, but the one thing that holds me back is that she's a smoker. she smokes probably half a pack of cigarettes a day. my stepdad was a chronic smoker when i was growing up and now that he's older, he has some serious health issues related to it, and i'm worried that this will happen to her. the other thing is that i have an excellent health care plan through my workplace that offers a significant discount to non-smokers, and if we did get married and i added her to my health insurance, the costs would go wayyyy up. i guess i'm not really thrilled about having to pay thousands and thousands of extra dollars throughout my life for something that's entirely avoidable. girlfriend thinks i'm being judgmental and controlling because she's been smoking since before we started dating. but i think dating someone is different than making a permanent legal commitment to them and that i'm allowed to have dealbreakers when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner. i understand that smoking is a really hard habit to quit and i would absolutely be willing to do whatever i could to help and support her. aita?

aita for refusing to marry my girlfriend unless she quits smoking?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ea5dht/aita_for_refusing_to_marry_my_girlfriend_unless/

2019-12-13 15:27:53

nah. i don’t really think k this is an asshole situation. i think y’all need a counselor or to have a long conversation about y’all’s future.

nta, seems like a reasonable thing to want out of a spouse, especially if you ever think about having kids.

yta - why did you start a relationship with someone who smokes. i mean .. if it’s a dealbreaker to you, just why? that’s basically like playing her. you should tell her that, especially if she doesn’t know that you don’t see her as a potential life long partner. just because she smokes it doesn’t mean that you can waste her time.

nah. a deal-breaker is a deal-breaker. if you 100% don't want a relationship with a smoker and she 100% won't quit smoking, it's just an incompatibility.

nta. it's not controlling to not want to marry someone who refuses to quit a self destructive habit.

my mom's cancer went to her lungs and that was the final straw that sent her into hospice. i also had multiple surgeries as a child from the effects of second hand smoke. so i get where you're coming from. i hate that people smoke. i hate that cigarettes exist at all and that they're part of the reason my mom died as young as she did. with that being said, ultimatums never work and yta if you give her this one and the reason is that she smoked before you met her. this isn't some new habit she's just picked up. this is something she did well before she met you and it's unfair of you to now say that since you want a life with her the smoking is an issue. you started dating her, i'm assuming, hoping this could be the person you wanted to be with forever. you don't get to just now decide this is a huge problem for you. i do however think that you should encourage her to quit and support her in quitting but don't make anything a condition on you marrying her. you started dating a smoker. in all likelihood you'll marry one too if you don't screw it up for yourself. just please don't ever think ultimatums are going to be healthy for any relationship.

nah. you're absolutely entitled to have deal-breakers, and she's entitled to do what she wants with her body. if those two things conflict, you just need to go your separate ways. >but i think dating someone is different than making a permanent legal commitment to them and that i'm allowed to have dealbreakers when it comes to choosing a lifelong partner. i agree, but dating is ultimately the first step in choosing a lifelong partner. if you're dating someone you wouldn't marry, why are you wasting your time? i empathize with you though. my boyfriend juuls and i really dislike it. he's working towards quitting, however, which is something he had to decide for himself - not because i made it a condition of marriage.

nah. i was going to go nta, but she was a smoker when you started dating her. totally fine to have a dealbreaker (and this is one i agree with), but she's not the asshole for feeling like you've moved the goalposts.

nta. that's entirely reasonable and as a former smoker myself i would immediately drop the habit for my so if i still did. i've actually had to quit for an ex before and i didn't mind it too much - we broke up over entirely unrelated relationship issues. if she tries to leave over you sticking to your guns on this, consider it a bullet dodged my friend

yta if you’re giving her an ultimatum at this stage in the relationship. why are you even with her if it bothers you so much? you should have discussed this sooner. it’s unfair to dangle it over her head now.

TOXIC

i (45m) recently lost my father (77m) due to a heart attack. my father wasn’t a perfect father, he was shitty most of the time but he provided for us. i never had a close relationship with my father, maybe because he was extremely homophobic, but at least we tried to improve our relationship a few years ago. i’m not a believer, but most of my family are so they had a preach. while he was doing the sermon the power went off, which surprised all of us. obviously the preach stopped talking and my mother was complaining and demanding to speak to a funeral director i said “tom (let’s call him that name), if you’re among us please say i like pickles” which it was supposed to be listened by my husband’s only, but a lot of people listened to it. my father hated pickles, once he almost sued a restaurant because they put pickles on his sandwich, it was ridiculous. my brother started laughing very hard and couldn’t control himself, my mother asked him to leave for a moment, my baby brother was laughing too so my mother told me that was rude and disrespectful towards my father’s memory. my uncle told my mother to stop ruining the party, that it was funny and that my father would be laughing (which is true). then my mother proceeded to ask everyone who was laughing to leave, which i did, for a few minutes because she would never ask me to leave completely. at that point no one was laughing because well it wasn’t funny anymore. after that my mother told me that what i said was embarrassing and very rude. aita?

aita for the joke i made at my father’s funeral?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tgs9ja/aita_for_the_joke_i_made_at_my_fathers_funeral/

2022-03-18 03:36:15

nah - everybody grieves differently.

i'm sorry to hear about your dad. you're not an asshole, it's a good joke, but apologise to your mum anyway, she lost her life partner. don't make this a thing, just say sorry and move on.

nah. everyone grieves differently. that's just how you knew your father. it wasn't disrespectful.

nah. when your banter game is so sharp your mom has to put folks in time out for cracking up at your own dad's funeral.

nah. humor is a coping mechanism. your joke wasn't bawdy, vulgar, or -ist (racist/sexist/etc).

nah. dude, some people like pickles, others don’t. some people get the joke, others don’t. you say your dad would have laughed, so that’s all good. your mother is grieving, others are grieving, you might be grieving, but everyone shows it differently. bottom line, there doesn’t seem to be much conflict here aside from your mother asking people to leave which, honestly, might be her right, but it’s other people’s right to laugh if the joke was funny. death is sad, and you can counteract sadness with mirth and humor. she might not like it but other folks might, and that’s okay. it probably was embarrassing to her, since it’s her husband on the wake, but hey, everyone grieves differently, yeah?

nah. it was a nice insider joke and brought some of your father's presence back, making some of you feel better. your mom grieves differently and got upset, and that's okay, too, by the way, i hate pickles, too. your post made me smile.

nah - every funeral i’ve ever been to - someone always tells a joke, and everybody laughs. your joke was completely harmless, and alleviated the awkward tension while the lights went out and the service stopped. your mom was probably just stressed with her grief and everything going on so she reacted that way - it’s okay, that’s just how she was feeling in the moment. i’m sure later on she won’t think it was rude or embarrassing after all. i know you said your relationship w/ your father wasn’t great, but my condolences and i hope you’re doing ok.

nta everyone grieves differently and that joke helped to ease your tension, your brothers', and everyone else's apparently. he was a shitty dad and i'm sure your mom knows this. he was her husband yes, but he was also your father and you can handle his death any way you like.

nah that's amazing and i love your joke and it sounds like it was appropriate for your father. but your mom can be upset too. it was embarrassing to her. everyone grieves differently. i suggest you tell your mom you were only thinking of your father and didn't realize it would hurt and embarrass her. take her someplace nice that reminds her of your father. encourage everyone in the family to tell her it was a respectful funeral, so that she's not focused on people remembering the joke (even if that was the best part)

BENIGN

this is a hypothetical that we were discussing tonight. my boyfriend and i are both vegetarians. i mentioned that i would want only vegetarian food at my wedding because that’s what i would supply at any other event i would host, plus we would want to be able to taste test the dishes. my boyfriend’s view: you should definitely have a meat option as a courtesy, just like most weddings have a vegetarian option as a courtesy. people are coming out and paying (through gifts or cash) for their dinner, so they deserve a meal they’d like. his opinion really has made me reconsider. wibta for only having vegetarian food at a (hypothetical) wedding? thank you to whoever responds, this has been bothering me all day.

wibta if we had a vegetarian wedding?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cuak46/wibta_if_we_had_a_vegetarian_wedding/

2019-08-23 07:35:00

i'd say nah, but it is a nice gesture to have a meat option, or at least a fish option.

nah, it's your wedding. however, you will absolutely end up hearing from asshole guests who think that not having meat is morally equivalent to force feeding bacon to a vegan.

nta. your wedding, you get to decide what type of food to have. unless someone in your/his family would literally die if they didn't have one meal with meat in it (which i very much doubt), you don't have to serve meat at your wedding.

so long as there's cake and booze, you are nta.

nah. assuming you're a vegetarian for ethical reasons: if you don't buy and eat meat in order to not create demand for the suffering and killing of animals, then why would you create demand in the name of others? especially if the attendees don't rely on meat to be part of their diet. and i have yet to meet people who do.

nah i had a vegetarian wedding and neither of us are vegetarian. we did our tasting and everything we liked happened to be veg and it allowed us to get a huge variety in. the caterer said what your so said - that we should throw a meat in there just to do it - but the idea of adding another dish that neither of us liked just for the sake of it was a hard expense to justify, especially if it meant cutting 2ish other dishes just to make room or money. "i prefer to eat chicken with a meal" isn't a dietary restriction. fwiw we did have a couple people grouse about there "only being sides" (because apparently entrees are defined by having meat?) but these same people went back and filled their plates like 3 times so clearly they weren't left starving and distressed.

i’d say nah the reason is because, like you’ve said, you want to make sure the food is good. you can’t taste test the food if it’s meat, like what you’d normally do when you develop a wedding menu. having a meat option is definitely nice for someone who may not want a vegetarian dish, but if you don’t want to, then you don’t need to. it’s going to be your wedding so you and your partner can make the rules of what you want, meat or not. if it’s for ethical reasons, then i completely understand why you’d not want meat at your wedding. however, if it’s a health or dislike towards it because of taste, texture, then i’m not sure. at that point, i think it would be easy to compromise and list maybe 1 option for a meat meal

nta. you do you. your wedding. people will know the food before and can politely decline if they're that upset by eating an aubergine.

nah. from my perspective, it's like the alcohol question; you have a right to not serve it, but the guests will not enjoy themselves as much without it and may actually duck out early. that said, as a vegetarian - fuck wedding pasta primavera. it probably costs a boatload to pay for such a low effort dish that is pretty unsatisfying. if it's an option, do eggplant parmigiana.

nah but i support your boyfriend's view. if it was a non-vegetarian wedding then there would most likely be vegetarian options.

BENIGN

throwaway for obvious reasons. so basically i (48m) have a daughter (17f) who i'll call nora. her and i had our conflicts when she was growing up due to me not being around much because of my high pressure job, but when my wife (her mom) died two years ago i started to make a lot more time for her and be much more emotionally supportive. we're very close now and watching her grow up has been incredible. she's been in three relationships since she started high school. the first two guys were awful. both repeatedly cheated on her, neither ever apologized or tried to be better. so when she told me she had started dating a third, new guy, i was nervous that she was dating someone who'd mistreat her again. however, i was totally wrong and the third guy, i'll call him jamie, turned out to be really great for her. he was a good kid, really smart, and i'd never seen her as happy as when they were together. he was interested in my line of work so we always had really great conversations and i'd promised him that when he was an adult, i'd use my connections to help him find a good internship or something that would help set him on the right path to pursue said line of work. and, as you've probably guessed from the title, they didn't stay together. nora was absolutely heartbroken. i'd never seen her so depressed. i could barely get her to eat anything and she only came out of her room for school. from what she's told me, the breakup wasn't really either party's fault, he was just worried that when they went to college they'd grow apart and end up having an even messier breakup. anyway, last week he emailed me the following: *hey mr. \[last name\]* *i know that this isn't in great taste, but i'm graduating in a couple months so i figured i should swallow my pride and send this email. i'll completely understand if you just tell me to get lost and you won't hear from me again, but i was wondering if you could help me out by getting me in touch with someone who might be able to help me start out in the \[line of work\] field?* *jamie* now, when i was jamie's age i was in a very similar position, so i had a soft spot for the guy. i got him in touch with a couple colleagues of mine that specialize in hiring college students for internships. he was very thankful--but what do you know, three days later nora calls me screaming and crying that i betrayed her. apparently he texted her to check up on her after hearing about a family emergency that happened recently, they started talking, and he let it slip. i never wanted to hurt her of course but i still don't think i was wrong to help him. if they were on bad terms of course i wouldn't be in touch with him, but from my understanding they're not even mad at each other anymore.

aita for being in contact with my daughter's boyfriend after they broke up?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g6a050/aita_for_being_in_contact_with_my_daughters/

2020-04-22 21:37:38

nah. i don't think you were wrong for sticking to your word and helping the kid network. you're not taking him out to lunch or anything. but your daughter is 17, and even though her ex didn't do anything wrong, he did break her heart. it's gonna take a little time for your daughter to heal and mature enough to see that you didn't betray her with this act.

nta. but you should apologize to your daughter and keep communication open with her. your daughter is old enough to make fair decisions and smart enough to know how to separate their dating relationship from his career. plus, wouldn't it have been great if when he had let it slip, your daughter could have responded, "i know. i told my dad he could give you recommendations." help a girl out, give her the upper hand next time. no one likes to be blindsided.

nah, but your daughter needs you right now.

ehhhh i guess nah but i definitely would have spoken to your daughter first and checked if she was ok, give her a heads up and check she was comfortable for you two to still communicate. you might have a soft spot for him but she's your daughter.

i wanna say nah, but i don’t know, i’ve been the daughter in this situation and i really hated my parents for it. they stayed in touch with my ex because they thought he was so great and perfect but they didn’t know the real reason we broke up or what kind of person he really was. it’s possible you don’t know the real story with him and her reaction is based on that. it’s not unthinkable that she wouldn’t tell you the real reasons behind their breakup- it’s embarrassing for young people to tell their parents the details of their relationships. it bothered me that, even with the very strong hints i dropped, my parents didn’t stop communicating with him and then telling me about it.

yta - slightly. by your own admission you didn’t have a very close relationship with you daughter until 2 years ago when her mother died. it’s great that you’re close now but look at it this way. her mother died when she was very young & that’s so difficult for someone to handle. her father didn’t have time for her when she was younger and has only spent the last 2 years building that relationship properly. her boyfriend has broken her heart & from her perspective her father has shown that he’s not going to be there for her. it’s great that you wanted to help this young man but your daughter has gone through a lot in her life & you need to make sure she is 100% your priority. you should be treading a lot more carefully with your relationship with her or there’s every chance you’re going to lose having one.

yta for not giving nora the heads up.

as someone who just got out of a relationship. my ex keeps texting my family and friends, and this just makes getting over her even harder for me. i’ve told my mom i don’t like it, and from my knowledge they don’t talk anymore. your daughter is your kid, not him. back up your daughter. imma say yta.

yta. you should have asked her first if it was okay with her. she’s your daughter and should have been shown loyalty

nah. you did the right thing by a nice young man. and your daughter probably misunderstood the full context of your action—she’s young and upset. honestly this story was kind of heart warming.

BENIGN

i have a phobia of dogs, doesn’t really matter if they're big or small. afaik i've never been attacked by one but i'm just really scared of them for no real reason (like some people are scared of spiders or snakes, even if they're zero dangerous species in northern europe). most of my friends and relatives are understanding, even if some try occasionally to get me in contact with their dog because "he's such a good boy", "he never barks or bites" or "he's really small". my boyfriend is a dog-person and had dogs before when he still lived with his parents. i made him aware that if we moved in together, he'll never be able to get one, because of my phobia. he initially agreed but during the pandemic started to bug me non-stop about getting a dog. he said he'll care for the dog and it won't be allowed on the sofa, in the bedroom or in my office. he even offered to pay for therapy/hypnosis to "cure" my phobia. thing is, it doesn't work that way. i've been to therapy before and i now can walk past a dog on the leash and watch pictures and videos of them but i still don't feel comfortable. i told him this but he just won't listen and is mad because "i won't even try". i suggested to him he can help out in the shelter, but he thinks it's not the same. aita?

aita for not wanting to "compromise" about getting a dog?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/sm13cs/aita_for_not_wanting_to_compromise_about_getting/

2022-02-06 16:43:19

nah it sounds like the two of you probably won’t work out, because that’s kind of a deal breaker. sorry

nta you were in therapy already, that alone should make clear how serious your phobia is. it’s really inconsiderate of him especially as he was warned before. are there other animals like that could actually be a compromise (because what he suggested wasn’t a compromise, that was just him getting his way)?

nta - getting any pet in general is a serious commitment and requires the people involved to really want the pet. if you get a dog, it will be part of your life for a very long time and i personally feel like if you are scared of dogs that your pet dog could pick up on this and also feel unhappy living in your home. i don't think your partner is being fair, particularly because you have made it clear since the beginning that a dog is not an option for your household.

nah. this doesn't sound like you two will work.

nah. there is nothing wrong with not wanting a dog in your life, regardless of reason. it’s a no negotiable for you. your bf has always had dogs, and it seems like he can’t imagine life without a dog. like to the point, he can’t comprehend your struggles because to him, it’s so outside the realm of possibility for him. i’d say there are no assholes in this situation, but i’d say this makes you incompatible. i’m a cat person, i can’t imagine life without a cat. i’ve had dogs, i don’t mind them, and i prefer smaller ones. my husband loves cats as much as i do. as a pet person, i dated one person without a pet/plans to get a pet, and we were incompatible on several levels. the dog thing is probably something you will always be at odds on, and the likely hood of him doing the ah thing of bringing home a puppy so you can bond while it’s still not “scary” is almost a guarantee.

nta. but you need to break up - you aren’t compatible.

to me, nta. i too have a fear of dogs and i would be the exact same as you in this situation, and he should respect that, but thats not to say that there is an ass in this situation: he is used to it so its not unreasonable for him to ask you.

nta please don't get a dog. i work with rescues. people get dogs on a whim and then rehome them. it happens more frequently and quicker when the dog has behavior issues; and that is way more likely to happen because of your feelings (you aren't wrong btw, it's just a factor). you bf is acting like a selfish jerk because if he really gave a damn he wouldn't force you or the dog into this situation.

nta. you can't compromise on y/n questions like "get a dog" or "have kids." it's unfair for your boyfriend to lash out at you. since you don't want a dog and will never want a dog and have made this clear to him, he needs to put on his big boy pants and decide if this is a dealbreaker for him. not try to convince you to do something you are uncomfortable with.

nah- yeah this isnt going to work

BENIGN

i was taking an acting class a couple of weeks ago. the age range was 11-17, the majority of people were 12 or 13 but the youngest was 10. on one of the days the teacher asked the assistant leaders (aged 18 or so) to run drama games while he stepped out. we started to play a game called airplane, people got a character or trait assigned to them and had to act it out for someone to guess. a new group of people go up and one of the assistant leaders gives one of the boys “ocd” as a trait. he goes about the typical ‘overly neat, straightening everything’ schtick. i pulled the assistant teacher aside after the game and told her i didn’t really like that she gave him that trait, it didn’t seem appropriate for our class or really in general. she told me that she has ocd and she wanted to see if he would ‘get it right’. (he was 13, i don’t really see any possibility of him ‘getting it right’)i told her i still didn’t think it was appropriate and that maybe she should save her dark humour for people a bit older/not in a class setting. she apologized and we continued on the day. later, i was telling a friend about it and they told me i was being an asshole for policing disorders i don’t have and that i should have just let her do it because i don’t know what it’s like to have ocd. they were right, i don’t know what it’s like, but i still don’t think mental illness should be brought up jokingly or flippantly with younger kids so i thought i’d bring it here. so, am i the asshole here?

aita for telling my assistant teacher not to appropriate her own mental illness?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/crykmc/aita_for_telling_my_assistant_teacher_not_to/

2019-08-18 08:06:38

nah jokes are a way of coping and normalising, like it or not mental illnesses and disabilities are here to stay, there are times to be deadly serious and times where a joke won't hurt. this joke hurts no one and the situation was created by the person with the disability. just let them be. being open and thoughtful includes allowing situations like this where the topic is brought up light-heartedly. if you only ever mention these illnesses as a very serious thing you'll alienate everyone who is different. i'm going to say nah because there's merit to both outcomes and without knowing the children, adults and complete setting involved there not enough to really decide which one of you was in the wrong.

nta you don't have to have a thing to be able to call out someone doing something shitty. things like mental illness and disability are things which must be handled properly when teaching drama, particularly to younger kids who are still developing their understanding of what it means for someone to be ill, disabled, or mentally ill. it is the sort of thing which, if taught well, would be taught as it's own lesson and treated with the proper sensitivity before being integrated into anything. it is entirely inappropriate for an assistant teacher to simply whip it out in a game as a personality trait, and it's particularly inappropriate for an *assistant* teacher to be using a game of aeroplane as a random test of a random child's acting skills. if you feel strongly, please do make a complaint to the lead teacher. don't worry about the ocd factor. her having ocd wouldn't magically make it an appropriate trait to have given or an appropriate thing for her to do to test some kid.

nta it doesn’t matter if the assistant has ocd, that’s not really a factor here. she’s not the authority on how people talk about or joke about any mental illness, not even one she has. while she may personally be comfortable with jokes of that nature i highly doubt she definitively knows if she’s the only one with ocd in that room. this goes for rape victims joking about rape too, their coping method or humor is not a pass if it makes another rape victim uncomfortable. there is a time and place, a classroom game is not it. especially if that classroom has *nothing* to do with mental illness. there are tons of appropriate ways to talk and even joke about mental illness. playing a guessing game with the stereotypical symptoms is not appropriate. a mental illness is not a personality trait, nor is ocd a simple thing to talk about. and at the end of the day, this is your choice op. if you don’t think it’s appropriate for your classroom then it isn’t. you don’t have to condone joking of any kind about mental illness.

yta. the kids don’t even give a fuck.

yeah, you're the asshole. she's joking about her own mental illness, she's not making any jokes about anyone else who has it. what has she done wrong?

nta mental health awareness and education is important, society as a whole needs to be better about recognising "hidden" disabilities (for example, people flipping out over disabled parking when they see someone that "looks healthy" using it.) i don't really see how reducing a condition to a stereotype in a game is even remotely educational though? the kid was randomly told by an assistant to act ocd, with no prior teaching on it as a condition, and then was watched to see if he'll "get it right"? i'm curious what people's reactions here would be if he was told his trait was something with more offensive stereotypes to act with though. "okay billy, your character trait is downs syndrome!"

nta simply because of this >she wanted to see if he would ‘get it right’. i dont know why but she seems like the type of person to gatekeep a disability

nta— it’s fine for her to joke about her own mental illness when she’s not at work, but it’s inappropriate to involve her students in it

nta. mental illness and disorders definitely need to be discussed in the classroom, but constructively. bringing it up in a game trivialised it, and it led to a student reinforcing stereotypes. she doesn't know if there was a student in that room that also has ocd, or any other kid of disorder, and now feels alienated by their peers because their condition is considered a joke.

nta!!! my god if i was the child's mom i would be mad that mental illness was being acted out in school. that could be so triggering for a struggling child. you don't know what's going on with a kiddo and don't need to dig deep into emotions and mind like that when they're young. save that for college when classes aren't mandatory and when you're dealing with adults. if i were you, i would take it further and address with the principal. not okay.

BENIGN

throwaway because i'm pretty sure i'm the asshole in the situation. i dated "sara" from 2014 to 2016 (just under 2 years total). looking back on it, she was emotionally abusive, and absolutely manipulative. to keep things short: she treated me poorly and i was a doormat. i learned a ton from that experience, and have since reflected on that relationship as a period where i emerged with serious personal growth and much more self respect. the relationship ended when she cheated on me. she broke up with me, and i literally never saw her again. immediately after the breakup, i blocked her on everything, deleted pictures, etc. the relationship was a mess and that's how i decided to move on. i literally haven't even seen a picture of her since the day we broke up. so, fast forward to today, 3+ years since we broke up. i get a call from an unknown number. normally i wouldn't answer, but i'm waiting to hear back from some job applications, so answered. to my surprise, it was sara's mom. i was confused, but politely asked her why she was contacting me. she goes on to inform me that sara was killed in a car accident a few days prior, and that she was letting me know. she said that sara's funeral would be in a few days and told me where it is being held. i told her that i am so sorry for her loss. i offered my condolences, but told her i wouldn't be attending the funeral. she got very upset and asked me why. i told her that our relationship didn't end well, and that it felt inappropriate overall. her mom got increasingly upset, and said that she was hoping i'd say a few words at her funeral. i was shocked. i asked if she knew why we had broken up. apparently, sara had told her family that i had gotten a job elsewhere and we ended things amicably, and that she thought we remained in touch. i informed her that we broke up because she had cheated on me, and that i hadn't spoken to her in years. i kept trying to end the call, but she was very upset and i felt horrible; she had just lost her daughter. i was very uncomfortable and said something i shouldn't have. after a minute or two more of back and forth, i said "look, i didn't have anything nice to say about her when she was alive, and i don't have anything nice to say about her now. i won't be attending." i realize how insensitive that was, but i didn't know how else to convey what i was feeling. i'm not happy she's dead, i'd never wish that on anyone. but the fact of the matter is, her death didn't make me feel good or bad. it has no impact on my life at all. i've been getting messages from some of her friends (who i also haven't spoken to in years) because apparently her mom is now telling people i'm shit-talking her dead daughter. they aren't part of my social circle so there's really no backlash, but it didn't feel great to read their messages. i absolutely won't be going to the funeral, but i'm wondering if i should reach out and apologize to her mom.

aita for 'disrespecting' my recently deceased ex-gf?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d0hhe1/aita_for_disrespecting_my_recently_deceased_exgf/

2019-09-06 14:35:48

i’m gonna go with nah. you could have maybe worded it a bit more sensitively, but you were right in clarifying that your relationship was your ex wasn’t the greatest, and that it was inappropriate for you to come to the funeral, especially since no contact after 3 years. mother isn’t the asshole, because she called based on misinformation from her own daughter, but it’s a bit naive of her to think (even if you guys broke up amicably) to come to an ex’s funeral after so much time has passed by.

nah* sara's mother is grieving and her behavior is completely understandable. not only did her daughter die, but when she tried to reach out to someone she thought also loved her daughter, she learned some awful things about the person she is grieving. that must be incredibly difficult, and my heart goes out to her. you did nothing wrong. you were honest and tried to get out of the situation without hurting feelings, but were effectively goaded into spilling the beans. ~~the only real assholes here are the friends who are now attacking you based on hearsay.~~ *edited from nta because i don't know what the contents of those messages were just ignore it, things will fade away and you can continue your life as usual soon enough. you are the least affected person here; let them grieve unless it starts impacting your life negatively.

nah. it was a really hard situation for you to handle but i don't think that "your dead daughter cheated on me" is ever going to come across well.

nta when i read the title and first couple of paragraphs, my literal thought was "if he's refusing to go to the funeral, that's fine, but if he is insulting her then he would be ta" so yeah. i feel bad for the mother that she didn't realize her daughter's problems, and i wish you didn't have to tell her, considering that it wouldn't affect much now that she is dead. however, it definitely sounds like you didn't try to tell her immediately and instead tried to be more neutral with your initial statement. maybe you could have tried to say in response to the daughter's false claim something closer to "unfortunately, that is not why we broke up. it was not an amicable break up and i feel like the cause of the break up would prevent me from saying anything appropriately nice. on top of that, i had not been in contact with her since the break up." however, from the sounds of how the other talked, i feel like odds were good that she would have insisted on knowing why, thus cycling around to the same situation. on top of that, it is difficult enough as is to stay neutral regarding something like that, and your initial statement was actually very reasonable. of course, you can't blame the mother either for her initial response on the phone, and if that was it i would have put n a h, but her statements to others later put her at fault.

nta. i wouldn't go and tell barefaced lies at anyone's funeral either.

nta. her dying doesn't validate all of her abusive behavior. you were civil enough to give your condolences and give a sufficient explanation as to why you wouldn't feel it's appropriate to go. the mom is just put in a shitty situation because your ex lied to her and gave her the expectation that you'd have more of a reason to be concerned, although was definitely out of line gossiping about you and misrepresenting your reasoning.

i feel like i’m taking crazy pills but...yta. not for refusing to speak at her daughter’s funeral but because of how you handled the conversation with her mother. she’s obviously grieving and your comment about not having anything nice to say while she was alive, etc. was unnecessary.

nta. let me also disrespect you dead ex-girlfriend. when you're newly-grieving is a terrible time to find out that the person you lost was lying to you to hide their own sins. i don't lay this at her mother's feet. you could have handled this more gracefully, but you'd just received some shocking news and, however things ended, you couldn't be at your best. i don't lay this at your feet. your ex caused these problems by lying about something important. she was the asshole.

yeah... very slight yta. if it wasn't a phone call with her mom, i'd be fine with it, but you could have just said, "thanks for letting me know, i'm sorry for your loss, i have to run now, but thanks again", and just never answered her number again...

nah. you were honest. i don't see much of a point in sugarcoating people's shitty behavior just because they have died. also, i wouldn't call her mother ta - she's surely still in shock and in some disbelief that her daughter lied about your breakup.

BENIGN

my girlfriend recently asked me to share my location with her via google maps, not for a specific time or event but just indefinitely. she had already shared her location with me a while ago, and had explained that for her safety (we live in a city) she likes others knowing where she is, as of right now i think that list is me and her mother. i said i wasn't sure i wanted to and had a hard time having any reason for it, it just felt somehow invasive. i'm happy/willing to let her know where i am when she asks, or sharing my location for a specific occasion if we're somewhere we may get separated in a crowd, but this somehow felt different. she mentioned that it was strange to have an imbalance where i knew where she was while she didn't know where i was. i agree that imbalance is strange, but i had never asked to see her location, i thought she just liked the security of feeling like people could find her. she respected that i didn't want to but i could tell it upset her, it seemed like she expected me to say 'of course'. info

aita for not agreeing to 'share my location' with my girlfriend

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cxg32k/aita_for_not_agreeing_to_share_my_location_with/

2019-08-30 12:14:47

nah. ​ 1. it's shit but she is more likely to be in danger than you. if you feel safe then you shouldn't have to share the location for the reason of being safe. [

nah. unless she demands it or starts to push. she’s allowed to ask and you’re allowed to say no. as a female, i totally understand sharing her location with you, i share mine with my fiancé, mom, and best friends for safety reasons too i personally get really paranoid about something bad happening to my fiancé so i asked him to share his with me and he agreed but i wouldn’t have been upset had he said no

nah - you don't have to, doesn't sound like she's trying to force you

nah. my husband and i share each other’s locations, we don’t use it to “follow” or keep track of each other, but it helps us in some ways. we live in a big city and sometimes, he drives me/picks me up from work so it’s nice to see where he is so i can pick up my stuff and head outside for him. somedays there’s a ton of traffic, and when we say “i’m leaving work now” can mean “i’ll be home in 10 or 40 minutes” so it helps planning when to start dinner/feeding our son/bath time/etc. i also suffer from a lot of anxiety issues (have been seeing a therapist for years) and my husband is horrible about letting me know when he gets somewhere safely. it’s super easy for me to imagine that because he didn’t answer or read my text, he got into a horrible car accident on his way to work.

nah my (32f) partner and (25f) i actually do this as well. it's honestly a very practical thing for us, and it's very useful for being able to figure out where each other is those situations you mentioned. however, while invasive, i consider it reasonable for my partner to know where i am if she wanted. we're committed to each other, there's a invasion of privacy just being the intimate with someone else. i mean, you do you. however, i don't think it's that unreasonable of a request nowadays.

as someone who shares his location with his wife - nah. it's really not a big deal to share it, especially if you're not doing anything shady, and it might bring her peace of mind, but i understand that it feels like an invasion of privacy or a lack of trust. just because you aren't doing anything wrong doesn't mean you would have reservations about this.

nah if she had freaked out or not respected your no she would be ta, but she didn’t. overall it’s kinda weird imo. i mean i get the safety thing from her perspective (i’m also a woman) though i don’t do the constant tracking thing with my so, but i also get the weird invasive feeling of your perspective which would override the safety part by a mile for me. there’s nothing to hide, it would just feel really weird knowing that my so could track me wherever/whenever. sure there’s an imbalance there, but if she wanted to correct it, she could remove your access to her location. she should either accept that imbalance or correct it by removing your access.

nta - it feels invasive because it is. it’s like being knowingly watched. if you don’t want to you shouldn’t have to

nah. reasonable decision on her part to share her location. reasonable to ask you to reciprocate. reasonable of you to decline as you're not in as much danger as her. reasonable of her to accept it. hopefully everyone can let this reasonable event pass and not dwell.

my boyfriend and i do this exact thing! at first (before we lived together) i would just always share my location when i drove home / to his place because he was so worried about my safety (i am a good driver, but we had an extremely harsh winter with horrible roads, so i understand). and he would do the same when he drove. a few months ago (around the time we moved in together) we started sharing it indefinitely and i can't even remember the reason why. i think it was just easier to know when the other person was gonna be home, if they made it to work ok, etc as opposed to always requesting the location every time. when i go out to get him a gift or a surprise, then i temporarily stop sharing the location haha. it doesn't feel like an invasion of privacy for either of us because we have nothing to hide and we feel 100% comfortable with each other so don't care and it just makes life so much easier. but i would say nah because i can totally understand that it may feel like an invasion of privacy to some people (or like she doesn't trust you) and that's totally okay to feel like that. i understand her pov too (because it's what my bf and i do) so she's not an asshole either.

TOXIC

gf and i have been dating since august and she moved in with me at the beginning of this month. before she was living in a shared house and once they found someone to rent her room she came to live with me. it really didn’t take long before things went south. she’s pretty messy, she picks fights over dumb stuff like tv, she’s been smoking inside when i’m not around even though she agreed to go outside to smoke. she’s also gotten really controlling about what we do in our free time. all she wants to do is sit around here and if i go out without her she’ll get mad. lately she’s also been saying she wants to quit her job and find something else which is a huge red flag for me. it’s just not working out. i know we’ll probably break up when i tell her i want to leave, but if this is what living with her is like it’s probably for the best. i wouldn’t just let her go homeless, i’d give her time to find another house share, but part of me feels guilty. she can’t move back to where she was before so she’ll have to live with new people.

wibta if i break up with her living with her for less than a month?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b2vfpg/wibta_if_i_break_up_with_her_living_with_her_for/

2019-03-19 09:50:09

nah moving in together is a turning point. you get more serious or you break up. just don’t kick her out, and it is fine. that said, a month isn’t a lot of time. later, you may wish you tried communicating more first. i’d also say moving in after less than a year of dating is a risky move - it’s hard to really know a person at that point.

nta do it before she quits her job quick! or you could be stuck with her for a while. you're going to give her time to find a place etc so it's fine.

nta- moving in together is a big step and often is a turning point in relationships. as long as you don’t boot her to the street, this just sounds like a relationship that’s reached it’s end.

nta. you moved in together too quickly. try to have a serious conversation before breaking up with her. if you really like eachother, maybe you can find a way to make it work. but if you do decide to break up with her definitely give her some time to find a new place but expect her to be mad.

nta - ​ you can still break up if you've moved in together, it's a big step and is like a testdrive for how the rest of your relationship would be. just imagine, would you be happy like this "forever"?

nah. but give it some time, honestly. you are so new to this you don’t even realise what a massive change it is to both your lives. me and my boyfriend went through a similar thing when we started living together because we had to work out how to fit into each others lives whilst retaining our personal space. it takes time, but we’re now in our third year of living together and happier than ever. you learn how to compromise and what the other person needs be that time alone, time with friends or some space in the house that’s just for you.

nta. you’re not married. i was always under the impression that the point of living together with someone before you married them was to see if you were compatible, and if not break up. doesn’t make you an asshole.

nta but think it through. my gf and i recently moved in together. the first few weeks i was fairly sure i had done something terribly wrong. the thought “how do i get her to move out now that we finally settled in together” came up in my mind almost daily. i would be surprised if she didn’t think the same at least once. it was just transitional. it’s been three months and it’s awesome seeing her everyday. we still get on each others nerves a bit but i love her more now. maybe communicate more and think about it more. either way nta. breakups happen. how they happen determine the asshole level.

nta: enjoy your new house cat.

nta. everything you've said is valid.

BENIGN

i like to surprise my husband with massages and it being valentines day soon, i figured hed appreciate one. i was in a bst group on facebook and someone recommended one that we hadnt used before and it was a running a valentine's day special - so i thought, what the hey? dropped him off at the parlor, me and our kids got dinner and then went to chuck e cheese to wait out the hour massage. he arrives a little later and the first thing he says is "im gonna need a blow job tonight." i smiled and said "was she sexy?" (im bi. i dont mind if he looks.) and he said no and then told me that he thought i knew i signed him up for a tantric massage. which is basically massaging around (and on) his genitals to give him a semi and then massage elsewhere to let him go flaccid. even though the ad (https://imgur.com/a/cyyx5ah) listed no such "treatment". i was stunned and didn't quite know what to say. then he told me about what she said when he got in there. "oh your wife signed you up for this? she must be pretty awesome." "some guys have to relieve themselves in the middle of the procedure. just let me know and ill get you a towel." he went along with it because he thought its what i signed him up for. we have a good strong relationship, and theres a very slim potential that i could have signed him up for it. we'd been in seperate polyamorous relationships in the past, we watch porn together. we get home, he shows me the massages she performed and i pretend to be ok. he gets his blow job and goes to bed. i stay up thinking about the massage non-stop. eventually i tell him that im not ok with what happened. that i want to be mad at him but i cant be. he says he should have left. he says it was stupid to stay. he should have left. he should have called. he should have texted. he should have asked. we have 2 kids under 3 yrs old so sex is... scarce. i feel like he didnt call me because secretly he wanted the massage... whether i was ok with it or not. :( here it is almost a week later and i still cant stop thinking about it. i dont want to touch him because i cant stop thinking about her touching him. i usually give him massages and back rubs all the time... but i cant.. p.s. i'm not angry... just upset, depressed and defeated. aita for not wanting to touch him?

aita for not wanting to touch my husband? nsfw

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/arun8w/aita_for_not_wanting_to_touch_my_husband_nsfw/

2019-02-18 07:22:25

nah yet. how was he to know he shouldn't proceed? you bought it for him. this wasn't an affair. the masseuse was working. they have no relationship. he didn't sneak around. so you both got more than you bargained for. lesson learned. you will be the asshole if you can't get passed this, and return to regular physical intimacy with your husband. good luck.

yta while i see this is uncomfortable for you, it doesn't sound like your husband intended to do anything shady. he simply received the massage you bought him, thinking it was what you meant to get. he was straightforward and told you everything that happened. don't punish him for this. you said it yourself you are insecure and upset about him possibly wanting something that would make you upset. talk to him instead of letting your mind go crazy about it. he came to you for sex after, remember, didn't just "relieve himself" during the massage.

nah but you are really overreacting >he should have left. he should have called. he should have texted. he should have asked. i feel like he didnt call me because secretly he wanted the massage why should he have? honestly i think he's just saying that to try and calm you down because you are overreacting. it was just a massage. > i dont want to touch him because i cant stop thinking about her touching him what do you think a massage is? you paid her to touch your naked husband and now you're regretting it. it's not something he did wrong, he did nothing wrong here.

nah. i understand you feeling like he cheated on you by getting that massage but i would like to point out a few things. 1) he didn't relieve himself there and came to you to relieve him instead. 2) based on your description of your relationship, i think he assumed you were totally fine with him getting that massage since you signed him up for it and he might have even felt happy/proud of your trust in him to get him that massage. 3) he didn't hide what happened at the massage and instead came back and immediately told you what happened and even showed you what was done to him. i know that you might be feeling both guilt at causing this situation as well as disgust that your man's junk was handled by another woman. but can you please talk to him about how you are feeling instead of hiding it and letting those feelings fester? maybe you both can discuss and come to terms with what happened and leave it all behind? if this doesn't work and you both end up fighting, get to therapy because from your post, i believe that both of you love each other and trust each other and dwelling on the past while trying to determine blame is detrimental. and remember that this was an unforeseen event that both of you had no idea about.

i’m in between nah and yta. yta a bit because you extremely extremely **extremely** overreacting. you bought him the massage. you have no place to be upset about it.

yta, simply for the fact that you know logically that your husband isn't responsible but you're still holding onto resentment that is going to drive an emotional wedge between the two of you. that is unhealthy for your relationship

yta and crazy. what is he supposed to do? how is he supposed to know? maybe you wouldve been upset for "throwing away" 85$ that the "massage" you specifically, for whatever reason, chose costs. youre mad at yourself. edit : and should be.

yta - he was upfront and honest about what happened, literally told you immediately. i was nah and this was a misunderstanding, but its this part which is kinda, you're shifting blame onto him on a thought he "might" have taken advantage of the situation. > he should have left. he should have called. he should have texted. he should have asked. we have 2 kids under 3 yrs old so sex is... scarce. i feel like he didnt call me because secretly he wanted the massage this sounds a lot more like he was totally blindsided by the "gift" but accepted it because you set it up for him. if he really wanted to deceive or take advantage of the situation, he really wouldnt come out of the situation and immediately jeopardize his relationship by telling you. this is like filming a crime you are committing. now if you think your husband is an absolute idiot who couldnt get away with a crime or have more info on his reaction, i might be nah or nta.

nah it sounds to me like he thought that he received the gift that you intended to give him and he was open and honest about everything. if he thought he did something wrong, he could have just left it at "yeah, it was ok" but that doesn't mean you can't be upset over what happened. tell him how you're feeling and see if the two of you can try to resolve things. if not, maybe find a professional to help out.

info... is that legal where you are? also, this was listed as a valentine’s special, but the masseuse was surprised his wife signed him up for the treatment? does no one else think that’s weird?

BENIGN

my wife and i (both 37, female) have known each other since high school. we grew up in a very conservative part of the us so we were both extremely repressed and didn’t get together until well into our adulthood. we both left our hometown as soon as we were able to (me at 18 when i headed to college, she after college) and neither of us have really visited since. from what we know though—thanks to the power of the internet and social media—the area we grew up in is still incredibly conservative. my wife recently got a facebook message from one of our old classmates about a 20th high school reunion that is being organized in our hometown this summer. looking at the event page it seems a lot of people from high school are going. all of our social media profiles are private so they likely have no idea we’re now together. my wife immediately jumped to accept the invitation, and assumed i would be ecstatic as well to “surprise everyone about our marriage”. i told her i didn’t really wanna go because: 1) i actually had a pretty shitty time in high school and so i’m not particularly inclined to see old classmates i haven’t talked to in 20 years; 2) she may not even get the reaction she thinks she’ll get; 3) we live far away now and it would be an unplanned travel expense. not that we’re extremely poor, but i’d rather we spend our money on an actual vacation instead of bumming around in our hometown for a week with the kids. i told her all this, and also said that if *she* wishes to go on her own, she is more than welcome to. but she insisted that it wouldn’t be the same unless we’re both there. one thing that may be relevant here is that my wife hung out with the popular crowd in high school, and so she evidently sees going to a high school reunion arm-in-arm with a woman as some revenge fantasy (like, “oh, the prom queen is now a lesbian” or whatever). she’s not normally this high school obsessed but she has mentioned several times she wants to surprise our former classmates with our relationship and financial success. i said the purposeful showiness of this seemed a bit immature and we should just focus on the good life we have now. growing up gay in the 90s in a conservative town was obviously... not great, to put it mildly, and i understand that we each have our own way of coping with the homophobia we experienced. this just seems like a bit of a step back in my opinion. but at the same time, going to the reunion clearly means a lot to my wife, whereas i’m more apathetic. aita?

aita for not wanting to go to our high school reunion with my wife to fulfil her revenge fantasy?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f5clwc/aita_for_not_wanting_to_go_to_our_high_school/

2020-02-17 17:55:34

nah she wants to go, you don't. you aren't stopping her from going, and she isn't forcing you to go. it might be nice if you went just to humor her, but you don't really have to

nah. how long ago is recently? if it's just been a couple of days then she hasn't really had time to think about it that much. it sounds like it could be an impulsive decision. once you start figuring out transportation, lodging, what to do with the kids, and whatever other expenses there might be, she may rethink whether or not it's worth it. personally, i'm on your side. anyone worth talking to from high school, i still talk to. as for everyone else, i'm not about to go out of my way to see people i didn't even like then.

nah - i went to my 20th high school reunion, and it was a huge drag. i wasn't the most popular kid in high school, and i'm pretty successful now. but it wasn't me telling my success story to a bunch of wide eyed former classmates, it was pretty much a straight return to that shitty high school feeling. no one cares that you are now successful, they mostly just reminisce about old times. i immediately felt excluded. my wife (who was in my high school class) hung out with a bunch of people she used to know, and had a good time, while i mostly sat my myself and wondered why i freaking came to the stupid thing. my feeling is that if you go, your wife will have a good time, and you will not.

nah, but your wife is mistaken about what will happen. people will not magically change their minds, if they're so inclined. some will be homophobic, and the rest will say, "huh, ok," and move on with their lives. if she doesn't want to actually connect with people, it's honestly not worth going. if there are people she/you would like to reconnect with, maybe set up a small separate meetup for those people.

nah. no one really pays that much attention to anyone else at a high school reunion, so whatever impact she's hoping to make will undoubtedly fall flat. she could accomplish the same thing by posting about your relationship to facebook, so this seems like it would be a definite waste of money.

nta you have very good reasons for not wanting to go. it sounds awfully uncomfortable. also thanks to social media and gossip everyone in your high school probably already knows about your marriage.

nta you both had different experiences in high school and maybe you need to let her know. i had a similar experience to what you had i was bullied, called f*gg0t along with other derogatory nick names, threatened and humiliated. i've never attended any of my reunions because i don't care what those people think and don't care what's happened/happening to them. so if you had any experiences like what i had, no your definitely nta

nah i get the revenge fantasy thing, but they rarely ever pan out like the movies. more than likely you'll go and get harassed by the drunk burn-outs and homophobes. like you said, she's free to go and show off her marriage and finances, but if you don't feel comfortable then you shouldn't be forced to go.

nta. revenge fantasies are rarely as satisfying in real life as they are in the mind. if you don't want to go, don't go.

i don't know if any of this gets into asshole territory. my sympathies are with op, because i can personally relate to not wanting to return to the scene of childhood pain, and not caring to go out of my way to rub my success in the faces of those who once hurt me. but i can also understand how it might be liberating to her wife to unashamedly present herself to a difficult past that no longer has any power over her. that doesn't sound like a recipe for a fun trip together, though. it sounds exhausting. so nah. it sounds like you both have valid reasons for your wishes, but maybe some more conversation between you is in order to gain consensus on how you are *both* comfortable presenting yourselves as a couple.

BENIGN

first of all i'l gonna start of by saying that english is not my first language. so if i worded certain things weirdly, or if certain things sound bold/rude, just know that i didn't do it on purpose. i also don't want any hate sent to my wife in case you personally think she's ta since she's amazing and we're still deeply in love. as for me, i don't really care tbh, you can call me names all you want. now let's just start. a few years ago my wife and i wanted to start making children, so we did. after a few tries it worked and we were told that we'd get a lovely baby boy. we pretty much agreed on what we wanted to name him too. for the sake if the story, let's call him james now, when he was born he wasn't exactly the healthiest. the doctor said that there was a chance of death, it was small but still possible, a few weeks before he turned one he passed away. honestly that experience was pretty traumatizing for both of us and we needed a long time to grief. now about 2,5 years later we decided that we wanted to try again. and once again, we are expecting a son in about 15-16 weeks. we are both excited but here comes to the actual "fight". my wife told me that she wanted to name our new child james again, or atleast something similar like jake, jay or jamie. she said that she felt like we should still be able to use atleast a variant of our old number 1 name since we didn't really get to raise a child with that name. although i understood where she came from, i felt like it was very disrespectful to james and that i would never be able to feel comfortable with the name. she started crying and started begging me to have a similar name. to which i also started crying and told her that i didn't want to. we started discussing our reasonings more and i'm not sure how but we went from crying in eachother's arms to screaming to eachother and now things are pretty tense. i asked my bestfriend for his opinion and he told me that he feels like he leans more to her side personally but that he prefers to stay out of it. we're planning on discussing it again later today but before we do that i would like to know. aita?

aita for not wanting to give our new child the same name as our deceased child?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jci7sf/aita_for_not_wanting_to_give_our_new_child_the/

2020-10-16 21:12:54

nah - but out of respect to your younger son, it would be a good thing if you didn't name him james, or raise him as "james replacement".

i'm going to go with nah. i can understand your wife's position, however she needs to realize how heavy of a burden this will be on your child. she needs to think long term and think about how your child will feel about being named after their older deceased sibling.

nah but i agree with you. i actually have a friend whose dad abandoned their family after he and my friend’s mom divorced. he got remarried, and guess what they named their first born son? his exact name. it’s as though he never existed at all and was being replaced. i realize that it will not hurt james’ feelings as it would a living child, but he did exist and was his own special person while he was with you. i am sure there are times you will want to remember james. how would you distinguish between them? “james 1” and “james 2?” “james” and “the first james?” think of how the new child will feel carrying the name of his deceased sibling rather than having his own name? it would sound like you had him to replace the first sibling because you didn’t even give him a name of his own. i do not believe that is your wife’s intention, but i can see how it might feel that way to a child. i can see naming the child a similar (but not too similar) name or possibly using james as a middle name, but i don’t think your new child would like having the same name as his deceased brother. congratulations, by the way!

nah. you both have reasonable points of view and people deal with grief in different ways. i lean towards your side because if one parent vetoes a name, i think that name should be off the table. surely there are other names you can come up with that don't upset either of you. i am so sorry for your loss.

nah. i will not belittle her grief and call her ta. but you are absolutely correct that a new name is a good idea. vincent van gogh was named after his older brother vincent, who was born stillborn. some speculate it contributed to his troubles. obviously if this is common in your culture, the answer might be more nuanced. but i think a brief course of couples counseling could help.

nah i don't think it's a good idea to name your second child after the first. it could lead to problems like feeling like a replacement or never being as good as the 1st james. i think a good compromise would be the middle name james in honor of his brother.

nta. i agree completely with your perspective and i too would feel like it’s disrespecting your first child’s memory by taking his name and giving it to baby number 2. however, something a little similar to appease your wife surely isn’t so bad? i.e. in the example you used james and jamie would be a far enough apart to compromise on wouldn’t it?

nah. if i was in your shoes, i think i would lean more towards your opinion on this, too. but try to compromise and just name the child something “similar” enough to her and different enough to you.

nah it would be really weird to name the second child the same name, but something similar might not be so bad. like if the first child was james and the second child was jamie or jamil, that wouldn't be weird.

nta. if you could make an edit, this would make sense, you probably don't want to go through the same grief as last time by naming your son james and having him.... i'm not gonna say it, overall, nta, if i was you i wouldn't wanna be saying, "hey kiddo! yknow we named you after your dead brother right? be glad of this name! it's in honor of him!" i'm sorry if this comment brought you into more grief for ____ hope you can decide on a different name.

TOXIC

first things first. i firmly believe that everyone has a right to do anything they wish. i'm just mad for other reasons. i and my gf have been together for 7 years and we're getting married in a week. once in a while she experiments with her appearance and i really enjoy it as much as she does. my family are conservative catholic christians. just before our wedding she got a mohawk and some tattoos. i'm pretty sure my family will freak out and i'm afraid of the impending drama. she thinks its going to be fine and she only cares about my opinion. she looks hot i agree but i'm mad because of the wedding. aita?

aita for being mad at my gf for drastically changing her appearance just before our wedding.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/as6y9a/aita_for_being_mad_at_my_gf_for_drastically/

2019-02-19 05:35:55

nah it's a tough place you are in. i can see both points of view. she has a right to change her appearance but she could have talked to you and perhaps waited a bit. if your family gets upset though please stand by your wife and defend her. grats on the wedding.

nah. she does have a right to do what she wants with her body, but since she knew that your family is conservative she should’ve kept that in mind before changing her appearance right before the wedding.

nah because it's your wedding and it sounds like you care more about the drama than how your wife looks, but you're teetering on a yta verdict imo. if it's actually her choice how she looks, then you should be backing up her choices. it's ridiculous to expect your wife to placate your family regarding *her* appearance; if they care so much, they can stay home.

nah. i don’t think being mad (read: feeling an emotion) is grounds for you being an asshole. had you acted on the anger in some way, sure. you’ve repeatedly acknowledged you support her right to do what she wants with her appearance and that you even like it, just a timing issue here on a big change. it isn’t life or death though. imo a “yta” verdict ignores all that. i must say though her timing is hilarious

nta listen, that she wants to look a certain way for the wedding isnt the issue, the problem is that she did something that could cause trouble with your family without discussing it with you first. im sure there could've been a middle-ground somewhere. some of these people commenting talk like compromise isnt the building brick of a marriage.

nah. she can change her appearance all she wants and you can feel however you want. you're not demanding she change for your family, either, so still not in asshole territory. curiosity thing: she got tattoos as part of her experimenting with appearance? since i have a 6 tattoos, but i wouldn't get one as an experiment, seeing as they're permanent.

nah. she likes it, you like it. that's all that matters here; your wedding is for you two, not your family and you get to decide how it and how you will look for it. if your family freaks and starts drama about something like this, that's on them, not on either of you.

yta if your wife was totally one way for the duration of the 7 years you've been together and she suddenly altered her appearance in a dramatic way (especially in a way that you dislike) - i could understand that you might be upset, mad, disappointed - whatever. but she does this on a regular basis. and you like it when she experiments. and you are especially feeling her current look. for you to be upset with her for being herself isn't right. especially when the only thing bothering you is your parents, who seem like completely unsupportive, loose canons that aren't even in your life much anyway. your sister came out and is living her life. isn't it time to support and enjoy your new wife and not give 2 craps about what your parents think?

nah but teetering on yta. the issue isn’t actually your fiancee, the issue is your judgey parents. yes she changed her appearance, & you agree you like it, & this is how she wants to remember herself when she reflects on her wedding photos decades from now. you said that your concern is that your parents will ruin the day with their comments....so really your issue is that your parents are conservative & will probably make disparaging comments about her on her day, not that your wife changed her looks a bit. so it’s really not on your wife to take your parents wishes into consideration on *your* guys’ wedding day. it’s on your parents to support the woman you love & want to spend your life with, despite what she looks like. it’s fucking hair for christ’s sake lol edit to add that i think she should’ve ran it by you first, if only for the sake of impending drama, assuming she knows how your parents are. being able to give you a heads up so that you can know that “yeah your parents aren’t gonna love how i look at our wedding” or something would’ve been a better move

nah. weddings are typically a big enough time that nobody makes drastic changes in appearance on short notice before a wedding. she did break an unspoken norm there, however it is her right to change her appearance however she wants. you aren't wrong for being upset over that, especially if this look doesn't last- these are pictures that you will keep for the life of your marriage, and i know i wouldn't want to see someone who is basically a stranger in a wedding dress in my wedding photos, when i want to see my wife. i'd recommend that you tell someone in your family that they are expected to behave appropriately and not cause drama at the wedding. let them spread the word so nobody is surprised by it.

BENIGN

when talking with people i don't know every time without fail they ask if i have any siblings and typically i always say that i used to. this obviously makes the conversation turn very somber and the person seems to feel like they misstepped in asking this simple question. either that or they keep pressing on to what happened and i get tired of having to explain it over and over. so instead i've been just don't that i don't have any siblings. my mom thinks that on effectively erasing his existence completely, but i don't feel like i owe it to strangers to tell them the whole truth. i don't think i'm lying because i actually don't have any at the moment aita for doing this for my own sake or should i tell the full story and some how reassure people that they don't have to feel guilty for asking

aita for saying i don't have any siblings when one passed away?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c6z62z/aita_for_saying_i_dont_have_any_siblings_when_one/

2019-06-29 13:50:04

nah, in the course of small talk. your mom’s not wrong either. another way to approach it with strangers would be to say just “none living, unfortunately,” let the other person say “gosh, i’m sorry to hear that,” and then you can continue with the conversation. if you want to. but either way you’re fine.

nah. it's a difficult situation to deal with, and it's nice of you to be considerate of others' feelings in the conversation. you're not obligated to explain your family's backstory to random people because your mom said so, but i also understand her feelings - it's *such* a hard thing to go through. if she pressed the issue on how you choose to talk to people she could be ta, but that's a *very* light ta. ​ i'm sorry for your loss.

nta. my little brother passed away a few years ago, so i know how it feels answering that question. when talking to new people and that topic comes up, i usually answer it depending on how much of a connection i actually intend on having with that person. if it’s just somebody i met and i’m not sure how good friends we’d be or somebody i know i’ll never see again, then i’ll just say “no i don’t have any siblings”. i feel like its a better answer than saying “i’m an only child” eventually if it came up in discussion with said person and it felt like they should know then they’ll realize it in another conversation. not the intital “do you have any siblings” question. that’s how i handle it, and i wouldn’t let anybody tell me different, neither should you

nta my sister was killed last year. people don't need to know your business, i get that from a personal level. they'll always be with you.

nta, i had a sibling pass away a few years ago and i've done the same thing. people get weird when you talk about that kinda thing. if you're just meeting someone that's a conversation you don't really want to have. usually the only people i ever tell are close friends.

nah - when people ask about my parents i just go along with it to avoid having the conversation go south. unless i trust someone and we’re close friends, then i’ll tell them that they are no longer with us.

nah. i'm very sorry for your loss. i know what you mean. i like it quite a lot when people share stuff like this casually, but don't like doing it myself. the things i ask myself are: is the value of precise disclosure greater than the value of having a normal fun bantery conversation? *not usually* would it make me uncomfortable to disclose, thereby making the other party awkward? *probably* **does it do harm to the other party in omitting it?** *nah, how could it?* if they find out later, will there be social consequences? *no, they'll just think you didn't wanna talk it, probably.* ---------------------------------- you mom's gotta let you grieve in your own way, and maybe your form of grief is concentrating his memory in your own mind rather than diluting it by talking about it with randos.

nah. sorry for your loss.

nta. you cope in the best way possible for you.

nta my sister was killed years ago, and i've come to do the exact same thing. i used to be asked if i had siblings as part of small talk and i'd first say a brother and a sister, and another who passed. but that was awkward. then id say a brother and two sisters, but the next question is inevitably what do they do, or do i see them often, or w/e and it's right back to it. i used to think like your mom, that saying i only had one sister was erasing her from existence. it's not though. i love my sister, no one can tell me otherwise, i'm very aware of how i feel about her. it's just a kindness for small talk. they're not meaning anything by it, and the conversation just gets super awkward. i made this decision after speaking with my friend's father and one of the most awkward exchanges of my life. i'm staying at my friend's house over a break and he's making small talk with me: friends father: so do you have any siblings? me: yeah, a brother and two sisters f: very nice, what do they do? m: [talk about my brother and sister] and my other sister unfortunately passed f: [awkwardly not knowing what to say] i'm so sorry... how did she die? m: [awkwardly] she was murdered f:..... i'm so sorry, i hope they at least caught whoever did it m: .... they didn't

BENIGN

so my coworker usually has her hair up or straightened and over the past year i’ve never seen it naturally down. but a couple days ago she came to work with her hair down and i was so amazed by how pretty it was! she had so much volume and it seemed really soft and healthy (unlike my own hair). we’re not close, but i do see her most days so i just naturally told her that i thought her hair was so pretty and i wished i had hair like hers. i didn’t think much of it, but she looked a a bit uncomfortable. later i heard her and some other coworkers saying that she, as a black woman was tired of hearing things like that and that she essentially thought i was being racist. as an indian woman with long hair, i’ve gotten comments on my hair all the time, including people wanting to touch it, some people saying they want to make a wig from it, and i understand her feelings but i certainly didn’t mean it that way. i usually compliment most people, even strangers if i like their clothes or hair or what not, but now i’m wondering if it might make some people uncomfortable. so, aita?

aita for calling my black coworker’s hair pretty?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/idzspb/aita_for_calling_my_black_coworkers_hair_pretty/

2020-08-21 16:19:22

nah i get where you coworker is coming from and i also understand your intentions. however, now you know not to broach the topic of physical appearances with coworkers. i always try to keep the praises professional. hopefully she doesn’t involve hr.

nah: honestly hair politics can be really touchy, and can vary depending on the person. it could be the ‘wish i had hair like yours’ pushed her over the edge in feeling that way (as someone with great hair but am white, that would make me feel kinda uncomfortable too and that’s without the racial stuff involved on my end).

nta. if you're just complimenting and not asking to touch it, i see no harm in it. from what you've written, you didn't make any allusions to her race or skin colour, simply that you liked her hair and wish you had hair like that. maybe it did make her feel uncomfortable, but there's nothing racist about what you said.

i'm gonna say nah. you didn't mean it in a bad way but perhaps shouldn't have said you wished you had hair like hers because they face a lot of discrimination against their natural hair so i can see why she'd be annoyed

nta. you seem genuine. as a black woman myself, though, hearing people compliment my hair in it's natural state is a double edged sword because it was so traumatic to have thick, curly hair when i was a child. hair is a fraught issue in my culture. there is a lot of emotional baggage and you hear disparaging comments about black hair from other black people. it's hard to reconcile someone's genuine awe at how lovely my hair really is, with growing up straightening my hair because it's "ugly" in it's natural state, or people saying i looked like garish cartoon characters (e.g. i was called sideshow bob ala the simpsons)... my nickname was "werewolf girl" in elementary for awhile bc my hair was so wild and unfamiliar. the hurt goes deep. lots of black women put on a strong face, but really we're sad in many ways just like everyone else. but i don't think it's right for the lady to go around calling you a damn racist - it's unfair, and she doesn't seem to have acknowledged her own responsibility for healing.

nah. black people are often (rightfully) a bit touchy on the subject of hair in the workplace since it’s the basis of a lot of hiring discrimination, so i’m not surprised her knee-jerk reaction was toward that end. if situationally appropriate, you may want to apologize for how it came off, but i wouldn’t make a big deal about it regardless, as that will ratchet up the discomfort.

nta- it’s not like you said “i wish i was black so i can have hair like this” you just complemented her, not everything has to be about race. i’m sorry that your complement back fired like that. maybe apologize for making her uncomfortable, and just explain that you didn’t mean any harm from it.

nta. you gave her a genuine compliment and she chose to turn it into something it wasn't. that's on her, not you. carry on spreading kindness and genuine compliments, and don't let the few who want twist everything to suit their own agenda turn you into someone who is afraid to be kind.

nah assuming you didn't ask to touch it or specifically say that it looks better than usual this way, you're nta; but also, she isn't an ah because she probably gets all sorts of racist comments and microaggressions and people wanting to touch her hair *all the time*, so i can understand her frustration, especially if you have never complimented her hair before when it was in her common style than it was this time. you likely didn't mean it that way; but it can make her feel like her hair was ugly before in your eyes, but now it is worth complimenting, when it is still the same hair as it was before.

nah - you were being genuine and meant no offense. she has every right to be annoyed by this. if it bothers her, don't do it again and no harm done.

BENIGN

my husband and i took my kid brother to mcdonalds this weekend. while we were watching him at the play place, another kid (around 3?) started spitting all over the floor. he then bends over and starts rubbing his hands all in it, spreading it all over the floor and his clothes. it was totally disgusting, and the kid was a complete mess. my husband decided to intervene by picking the kid up and taking him to his parent, who was about six steps away from all this (but not paying any attention to the boy). he explained the situation to her, and she took the kid to the bathroom to get him cleaned up. immediately after, i told my husband that he shouldn't touch or pick up other people's kids. he was upset with me and told me that he was just trying to help out the mother and that i was making him feel bad for helping out. i said that while she was grateful in this situation, other parents might not be so happy to see stranger carrying their child. i didn't mean to make him feel bad, i just don't want him to end up in a situation where he gets accused of trying to kidnap a kid or something. so aita for telling my husband not to pick up other people's kids?

aita for telling my husband not to pick up other people's kids?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/balsrm/aita_for_telling_my_husband_not_to_pick_up_other/

2019-04-07 22:09:38

nah your husband was trying to be helpful but you are right, in this day and age a lot of people would not be happy to see a stranger touching thier child, no matter how helpful they are trying to be.

nta, you really shouldn't be touching other people's children unless there is an emergency. let slobber boy be disgusting from a distance.

nta. touching strangers is always a bad idea. touching someone’s small child is a terrible idea.

nah. your husband was trying to help and he didn't do anything wrong from a moral standpoint. you are, however, very right. people are crazy and picking up their kids can lead to some unwanted accusations even if you were doing nothing wrong. personally, i would have just smiled and let him feel good for doing something nice, and then later gently bring up the topic again. an exception should be made if a child is in immediate danger, of course, but in that situation it would have been better to notify the parent since they were already sitting so close.

nta. don't touch other people's kids unless, they're harming themselves, harming others, or about to do something dangerous. or if they're shooting a water pistol at you at a bbq.

nta it is absolutely better not to pick up someone else's child (without permission) if it can be helped - and in this situation, picking up the child was not necessary. if the kid was about to fall off a cliff or something? by all means, grab that kid.

nah. if other parents don't want strangers picking up their kids from the mess they made, then they should keep a better eye on their kids.

technically nah.. you’re right, you shouldn’t pick up other people’s young children. some parents would not respond very positively to this. but it sounds like your husband was just a bit naive about the situation and trying to be helpful. hopefully he’ll have learned a lesson here

yta. i’m assuming this happened in america because the majority of other places allow men to actually interact with children without making them feel like pedophiles. your husband was being a good community member. he won’t make that mistake again because if you. i hope you (and some others commenting) realize our little actions like this build the society we live in. and currently our american society is lacking in being a village. you should have told your husband how happy it made you to see him being a decent human.

i honestly can't decide. he was only trying to help and what he did was generally good but also we live in a society where child abduction is way too common so seeing him pick up this strange kid might have caused someone to react impulsively before asking questions. i'm leaning towards nah

BENIGN

good morning aita, so i guess this is sort of humorous but i can tell while my wife is approaching this with humor, i also think she’s really disappointed in me. so we live in a place where there are scorpions. we’ve seen them in the desert by our house but never in our house or yard. so last night i was in bed reading on ipad when out of the corner of my eye i swore i saw something moving on my wife’s side of the covers. i looked closer and it was a freaking scorpion. i screamed like a little girl and jumped out of bed and out of the room but was too afraid to go back in. my wife jumped up a little startled and asked me what was wrong. i told her there was a scorpion in the bed. she laid down because she thought i was pranking her and told me if i came back to bed i might get lucky. i told her i wasn’t kidding so she grabbed her phone and turned on the flash light and sure enough she saw it. because she’s way manlier than me she just sort of smashed it in the blanket between her hands and got up to wash all the sheets and do a check around the house for more. i was basically hyperventilating mess and was so freaked out that it was in our bed for gods sake. i didn’t sleep a wink last night and my wife is not so gently teasing me about my freak out. am i the asshole here?

aita for screaming and running out of the room when i saw a scorpion crawling up my wife’s side of the bed?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bd33je/aita_for_screaming_and_running_out_of_the_room/

2019-04-14 14:09:29

nah- honestly your wife might just be a badass. who tf just smashes a scorpion like that lol. i don't consider myself a pussy or anything but i would definitely use a shoe or more to kill it

nah but i bet your wife is gonna love telling this story ! best to keep your humor about it

nah - it was an involuntary reaction over which you had no control. you also sound potentially a little phobic given the lack of sleep. how people respond in crises is partly down to brain chemistry and not something they can help. that said, now that you know this about yourself, if you've never had any kind of training in how to deal with your fight or flight reactions, you may find it helpful.

nah. it's good that you chose a partner who can be the scorpion slayer in your house. maybe now is a good time to learn what to do beyond screaming like a girl when you see one, because once is hilarious, but being awakened by screaming chaos more than once is not.

nah. you responded to what your instincts told you to do, and your wife got rid of the problem in the end.

nah. i bit into an ant infested brownie the last time my boyfriend and i went hiking. i don’t have the best eyesight so i picked it up without noticing and took a giant bite. my face was covered in ants and my boyfriend took off away from me instead of helping me get them off. sometimes you just have a knee jerk reaction to something like that.

nah. kudos to your wife for killing it and thanks to you for the laugh.

nah, i’m glad no one was hurt. my first encounter with a scorpion was as i was lifting a generator with three other guys. about 6-8 inches from where my hand was i noticed the thing and promptly let go of the generator, putting the whole thing off balance for the other guys. fortunately, the scorpion dropped off and after a quick check it was the only one so i resumed my spot. i can’t say whether i gasped, cursed, or even let out a scream, but seeing that ugly bastard freaked me out. i think i was more of an asshole than you.

you're the asshole for not telling her why you ran out to begin with. next time, scream "scorpion!" like a little girl.

it sounded like nobody even called you an asshole. why are you posting this

TOXIC

so i signed up for an online psychology class at university. sixty percent of the grade of the course was comprised of 8 different essay assignments (one due every 2 weeks). the rest was from quizzes and such that did not need to be graded by the instructor. ​ the second week of the course, the professor sent out an email saying she had broken both wrists (among other injuries) and might be late on grading. completely understandable. however, i had just submitted the first essay when this happened and was eager to get feedback so i could fix any problems for future assignments. i've found in college that even when being careful to read the assignment grading rubric, sometimes a student's interpretation of the expectations for the course are not very clear, so feedback is vital to success. ​ anyway, by the time the 2nd essay was due, the 1st essay was still not graded and no feedback was provided. i understood that, even if i was a bit disappointed. however, by the time the 5th essay was due, the 1st essay and all other essays were still ungraded and no feedback was provided. i was quite annoyed at this point. i could be failing the course without even knowing it and it was approaching the deadline to drop a course. i sent an email pointing this out and asking if there was any way she could dictate the grades to someone else who could type them, etc. i realize that's a big ask since there are tons of students and a huge backlog of essays, but i just thought i'd throw it out there. she responded in a furious manner and said i wasn't being understanding of her traumatic situation and there was nothing she could do. i felt **mortified** after that. ​ the situation ended up being pretty inconsequential as i passed the class with a good grade. she finally graded everything in the last few weeks of the course (no feedback though). ​ but really, am i the asshole here? i feel horrible that she was injured, but students pay a lot of money to enroll in university courses. if she wasn't able to provide any kind of feedback, perhaps the class should have been cancelled. i'm particularly interested in how professors feel about this situation and how it could have been better handled. ​ thanks so much!

aita for complaining that professor with broken wrists does not grade assignments?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/avi4oo/aita_for_complaining_that_professor_with_broken/

2019-02-27 20:40:01

nah. you're allowed to be annoyed by the lack of feedback; however, if her injury was very traumatic it could have been a long recovery. you were alerted that there would be a delay.

nta, i bet you're not the only person who asked (or she was getting pressure due to other things she was behind on already) and her reaction had very little to do with you at all. unfortunately barring severe misconduct bad teachers have all the power so you just kinda have to keep your head down and try your best to get out of the situation intact.

nta. it's totally reasonable for you to expect to receive information about your performance and feedback about your work during the course. now, i'm not sure if the prof deserves *all* the blame for the fact that this didn't happen. maybe she tried to get an assistant to help her grade with broken wrists and the department or the college didn't allow it. but as for you? definitely not an asshole.

nta-it’s her job to grade and give feedback. she should’ve figured out a way to grade it with the injury, especially since it wasn’t horribly debilitating.

nah, based on the information you provided. yet, you could be depending on what's in that email. just like with reddit posts, a lot of things are lost in text based communication. so while your intentions were good, you may have been perceived as a massive asshole. question though, op. could you have visited her during office hours? unless you live far away from the university or you don't have time in your work/life schedule this could have been sorted out in person lol.

nta - your teacher should be providing students with feedback, to delay the grading that much is not fair to the class. while it’s obviously a difficult situation for her to have two broken wrists, she should have eventually given verbal feedback. it was fair of you to request this and she should not have responded angrily.

nta. she should have taken medical leave if she was incapable of performing her job duties, which do include grading assignments in a timely fashion. i would have reported her to her department heads, if i had been you.

nta - i understand she was injured, but i'm guessing she was still getting paid to teach the class. if she was unable to keep up with the responsibility of being a professor due to her injuries, she should have worked something out or dropped the class and asked the school to find her a replacement, as this injury happened so early in the semester. she gave the class a heads up grading would be late, yes - but if you're five essays in and you still hadn't received even one grade or any feedback, then that is over the top and unacceptable in my opinion.

nta. despite her injuries she has a responsibility the school and students to do her job and teach, grade, and guide students. i would allow her medical excuse as valid for 6 weeks, the typical healing time for most broken bones. but over the course of the semster (15 weeks) she couldn't grade even one essay? op, did any of her other injuries affect her cognitive functions or her ability to read? why didn't she have a teacher's assistant (or multiple) help her with grading? unless we're missing key information regarding her injuries then i think op is no the asshole.

nta: if she can't do her job properly because of broken wrist, then she needs find an aid of some kind to step in and assist, completely uncalled for.

BENIGN

i need some feedback about if i'm being unnecessarily petty and should just move on from this situation. my apartment complex doesn't allow grills in our patio space, and for the past year of my residence, i have kept a charcoal grill on my patio. i fully accept that i am in violation of the lease by having a grill. sometimes on the weekends, i grill steaks or burgers, and it's a great life. last week, i got a charcoal chimney and the fire was much bigger than usual. i'm guessing that's partially what led to the situation: our "neighborhood watch lady" (every neighborhood or apartment complex has this person, the person that doesn't have anything to do all day so he/she walks around and complains about anything out of the ordinary) saw the fire, snapped a picture, and complained about it to our apartment manager. i know it was this person because i'm friends with the apartment manager and spouse, and the spouse told me ahead of time. now, i'm fine with being called out for violating the lease because 1) it really was a fairly big fire and in the future i won't be using the charcoal chimney, and 2) i did violate the lease after all. however, i also know that this neighborhood watch lady walks her dog without a leash, and we have leash laws where i live. the thing is, her dog is old and is not a nuisance at all. but, if she is reporting violations of leases, she shouldn't be violating our lease either. he who has not sinned can throw the first stone, yada yada. so, wibta if i reported her lease violation even though it's definitely not a "safety concern" in comparison to my grill? am i just being petty and should get over it?

wibta if i report a neighbor in retaliation for being reported?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6eebj/wibta_if_i_report_a_neighbor_in_retaliation_for/

2019-09-19 13:56:01

nah. you violated your lease (bad op, don't do that). she reported you. she's violating her lease. you report her. there are no assholes here, as you were/are both violating your leases.

yta. you're being petty. her dog, by your own admission, is well behaved and not bothering anyone. the fire from the grill, also by your own admission, was too large. one wrong move and you could have toppled over the grill and burned the building down. there is a reason they are not allowed, it is a hazard. this is petty and i think you'd be the asshole. i also have no problem with her reporting you. my wife had her apartment burn down when we were in college and she lost everything, including photo albums of her mother who died when she was young. she lost things that were irreplaceable. just think about that.

yta entirely. you could have set the apartment complex on fire. you literally could have killed someone, even if it was an accident. you even admit that you knew you were in the wrong. there's no need to cause a war between you and your neighbor over her walking her un-leashed elderly dog that you yourself say "is not a nuisance" just because you can't grill anymore. don't be petty.

yta if you report her >now, i'm fine with being called out for violating the lease because 1) it really was a fairly big fire and in the future i won't be using the charcoal chimney, and 2) i did violate the lease after all. you accept that you are in the wrong and you acknowledge that you would be reporting her for retaliation. yes it would be petty. let it go.

nta. i mean, it would be a pretty petty thing to do, since the best thing would be to just move on with your life. however, i say nta because i am also a fan of ironic justice.

yta. it's not just the fire of your grill, it's the smoke and the smell of the cooking. personally i love the smell of grills and steaks, but not everyone will feel the same. i don't know the layout of your property but it could be the smell was travelling inside other apartments. i feel your need for revenge too. in your situation i'd probably have already reported her. but morally you have the high ground if you choose not to.

yta. the rules exist for a reason, but your rule breaking could cause actual harm, while it doesn't sound like her rule breaking could do the same.

yta - "am i just being petty and should get over it?" yes, entirely.

yta. i get that grilling is fun and delicious for you, but you live in an apartment. charcoal smoke coming into your apartment window is horrible. it's likely also a fire risk. we have a charcoal grill and they're permitted at our condo but the grill makes so much smoke we don't use it because we don't want to be smoky assholes to our neighbours. you're not being considerate to your neighbours and to want to narc on the lady and her little old dog just because you got spanked for being naughty is incredibly petty.

yta, you think you'll feel better trying to take an old ladies dog because you were warned about doing a shitty thing you knew you weren't supposed to be doing? good lord.

TOXIC

i’m [32m] getting married in 4 months. my fiancée [28f] and i have known each other for the past 12 years. she’s my best friend and my soulmate. my mother passed when i was 3 years old. i barely remember her at all. i don’t have much of my immediate family anymore. my father, brother, and young nephew all died in the past 5 years. it’s been really difficult. after my mother died, she left a lot of clothes, jewelry, and other valuables in her will. i inherited some jewelry, including a pair of gorgeous diamond earrings. yesterday, i showed the pair to my fiancée, and told her it would mean a lot if she wore them on our wedding day. my fiancée said she understood why she wanted me to wear them, but that she had already decided to wear a pair of earrings that her parents had custom-made for her. i told her that it would just mean a lot to me. but she said, “it’s just not feasible, and honestly would kind of weird me out.” i was hurt, and said, “you don’t know what it’s like to lose family.” she got upset and accused me of emotionally manipulating her in order to get my way. i don’t think i did, though. aita?

aita for wanting my fiancée to wear a pair of earrings that once belonged to my deceased mother on our wedding day?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dtjiw3/aita_for_wanting_my_fiancée_to_wear_a_pair_of/

2019-11-08 18:28:38

nah but leaning more towards yta her family has given her something special for her to wear and it's important for her to wear the earrings they gave her. she is entitled to that. the “you don’t know what it’s like to lose family.” line is what pushes me towards yta and she's right, that is emotional manipulation. you have 4 months. go to a jeweller and have them turned into cufflinks

yta. gently. it sucks to lose family. it really does. but your fiancee was right - you were trying to emotionally manipulate her in order to get your way. she's never had a relationship with your mother. *you* barely had a relationship with your mother. you said that it would mean a lot to you to have her wear them - why? try to explain it to yourself. *why* would it mean a lot to you? if it's important to you to have them included in the wedding, you could have the earrings refashioned into a beautiful pair of cuff links.

yta. you may not have meant it, but you are being manipulative. just accept that you aren't going to get your way. keep the earrings and treasure them, but make your peace with the fact that your fiancée doesn't want to wear them and has every right not to if she doesn't feel comfortable doing so. besides, her parents probably spent a lot of money having earrings custom-made for her, and asking her to throw that away isn't fair to her or them.

yta - she already made plans to wear the custom earrings, so it would be pretty mean towards her own parents if she suddenly decided not to wear them. plus it was kinda manipulative of you to respond like that, it seems like you went from 1-100 super fast. if it was that important to you, you should have mentioned it sooner. also sidenote: plenty of women don't like to wear other people's used earrings for hygiene reasons. even if they've been cleaned, it's understandable that she might be weirded out.

yta you made a polite request, she politely declined and then you went for the low blow. there’s room for compromise. i carried jewelry from my deceased grandmother and great-grandmother when i got married.

yta. not for asking but for being manipulative. why do your mother's earrings trump the ones custom made for her from her family. is your family supposed to trump hers? i am sorry about your mother. still doesn't mean her connection to hers should be invalidated.

soft yta. i understand that it would mean a lot to you, and her “it would weird me out” comment wasn’t great, but the retort about losing family is below the belt. you asked her to do something, and she declined. but maybe you could offer her a necklace or a bracelet from your mom instead, since you noted she left quite a bit, so she could represent her parents with the earrings they got her as well.

yta, but only because you continued to push it. maybe she could wear them for the rehearsal dinner?

yta. you asked, which was fine, but she's not comfortable wearing them and had her own earrings already planned out. you not accepting that makes you ta.

yta. you straight up tried to manipulate her into disregarding the earrings custom made by her parents to wear the earrings from your mother. i get why you want her to wear them, but she told you no and explained that she wasn't comfortable with it. if you want them in the wedding, you should figure out a way for you to wear them. or stick them in a pocket like others suggested. personally, i wouldn't be comfortable wearing someone else's earrings even if they had been cleaned.

BENIGN

for some context here, i was born during the summer in a country in europe that guarantees citizenship there until the age of 22. so, sometime before you are 22 i have to go back there and live there for a year and join their and society to regain my citizenship. ever since i was a child, my mom told my older sister (who pushed back on the issue but ended up going) and i that after high school we would be going to take a gap year and going to europe, which neither of us wanted to do, but figured we'd deal with later. ​ now i am a high school senior, fully in the college process, having heard back from exactly half of my schools, and there have been some smaller arguments between my mom and i, but nothing too big. however, recently i got accepted into a really great, relatively affordable school that i love, and i was hoping that because of this, my mom would be lenient and say either i could go to europe during college (which we both agreed i probably would not want or be able to do) or that i didn't have to go after all. we got in a big argument yesterday where she feels that her heritage is being attacked and that i don't respect where she comes from, but i am really not interested in going. all of my friends are attending college next year, i don't really care too much about my relationship with my birth country, and i'm really excited to go to college but don't want to wait a year. her points are that having an eu citizenship is amazing and that it opens up the doors for so many opportunities, and she calls it an insurance policy in case anything goes wrong in the us. yesterday in our talk though, she basically put a gun to my head and said "you are going to europe for a year or i am not paying for your college" which i would have needed to alert colleges to earlier to get a bunch of financial aid. aita for pushing back so hard on this, and feeling like i'm being forced into a year of something i really don't want to do, or is she right with this really being a great opportunity i'm not seeing and that i'm offending her heritage? ​

aita for refusing to let my mom send me abroad for a year?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/azihtr/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_mom_send_me_abroad/

2019-03-10 18:15:33

nah. dual citizenship has advantages and whey wouldn’t you want to go to europe for a year?

nta. your future, your choice. your mother is right that an additional citizenship can be a huge benefit, but unwillingly spending a year of your life there is a large price to pay.

nah - you’re not an asshole for not wanting to go but at the same time it sounds like you’ve known about this plan for a long time. in which case you haven’t communicated or managed the expectations of not going. if your mum’s condition to paying for college is that you go then that’s fair enough. it’s her money and you’re not entitled to the conditions at which she pays it. you should have checked she would pay regardless of whether you refused when you applied. i’m a little stuck on the citizenship thing cos i think you know your mind better than everyone else so if you truly feel it’s not the right decision for you then that’s cool. just make sure you’ve thought t through, it sounds like your last shot at getting citizenship vs you can go college any time. duel citizenship does have advantages. it’s ultimately up to you though.

esh. dual citizenship is a good thing. especially if things do go tits up in the us. plus, let's be real: free trip to europe and paid college? however, your mother should not be making ultimatums.

esh. you should absolutely go. this is a great opportunity. spending a year abroad always is, but much more so in your case. that said, taking it personally and blackmailing you with college money is a dick move on her part.

yta op i get where you’re coming from wanting to stay here and that you have no desire to be abroad. all of your friends are going to college etc and going abroad will be a big change to your life. but this is one of those situations in which the parent might actually know better. being abroad often changes people for the better — seeing the world and other cultures, meeting new people in new places. you’re being shortsighted but it’s not your fault because you don’t know yet from experience/others’ wisdom the amazing opportunity your mom is actually offering you. look, school is always going to be around. it will still be here when you come back from your gap year.

nta in the end do what makes sense for you academically. i can understand your mom though, with the possible changes to eu and us travel (requiring visa after 2021 or something), it may be advantageous to have the eu passport as well to make things easy in the future. can you possibly compromise here and maybe do a year abroad while you are at your dream college? i read in your previous comments that you were interested in politics/economics, maybe international relations is a good major for you. i know a lot of ir majors require a year abroad. ​ but again, do what makes sense for you academically.

nah, but you're considering turning down an excellent opportunity. your friends are going to college? who cares? they aren't all going to the same place anyway. you'll make new friends when you move away (you do this every time you move...) and you'll get to be in europe for a year! go experience a place unlike the one you've grown up in. bonus: colleges will like that you've had life experience in a different place/culture and you'll end up with more scholarship money.

kind of yta. so many people (including myself) really would love this opportunity. why can’t you just take online classes at the university of your choice for the year you’re over there? your mom is paying tens of thousands of dollars for your education, so it seems like you should humor her on this one. it also sounds like a really cool opportunity.

nah. whatever you choose, you’re an adult now and i really think it is your choice to make. that said, even though hanging out with your friends in college seems like the most important thing right now, you might really regret not going. for one thing it means a lot to your mother, who is paying for your college and has likely sacrificed a lot for you. as you get older you really realize how much your parents did for you, and wish you did more for them. for another, having citizenship in another country could be beneficial to you down the line. idk what you’re planning to study, but i have partial citizenship abroad, and it has come in handy for my current career/travelling involved. i think you should consider her side more, but ultimately it’s your life and you’re the one who gets to decide what’s best for you.

BENIGN

my girlfriend’s sister has a few health issues. whenever she gets pregnant, her body kills the fetus because her body thinks it’s a foreign object. her uterus is also a heart shape, which makes pregnancy hard to keep. my girlfriend told me a long time ago that she offered to carry a baby for her and that she had one month to get back to her. i didn’t really agree with it, but i didn’t argue. i wasn’t too familiar with what kind of a person her sister was back then. fast forward many of months, her sister treats my girlfriend like shit all the time. her sister and mom live together and they’re the perfect toxic duo, it’s ridiculous. i’ve held my girlfriend while she cried about the stuff they’ve said or done to her. then just a few days ago, my girlfriend told me that she told her sister that she would carry a baby for her again, but this time she didn’t say she gave her a time limit. i’m not gonna lie, i flat out said, “no.” straight to her face. i said no because we are thinking about expanding our family soon. we’ve been talking about a baby for a few months now and figuring out the financial costs. she really wants another baby and i’m ready to be a dad to my own baby as much as i’m a dad to her kids. (my girlfriend has 2 kids from a previous relationship. they call me dad.) i also said no because of the way her sister has been treating her like shit. i also said no because her sister isn’t dating anyone, isn’t married. she just literally wants to get some guys sperm and fertilize an egg for her. i personally think she should start dating and find someone who wants to raise a family for her. when i told her no she said something like, “what? would you not love me if i did?” of course, that’s a silly ass question, i’d still love her but i want to move ahead with our relationship. am i an asshole for telling her i don’t want her to do it?

aita for not wanting my girlfriend to be her sisters potential surrogate?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bp8ab8/aita_for_not_wanting_my_girlfriend_to_be_her/

2019-05-16 04:31:54

nah-ultimately it's her decision but i feel like you already understand that, but you're not an asshole for expressing your concerns for not only you and your family but the future well being of the potential child

nta maybe you can ask your gf if she thinks this will buy the love she wants from sister and mom. because it probably won't. your gf might gain some temporary ass kissing, but if she is doing this hoping for their love, it's a bad plan. if she goes through with it anyway, have a lawyer draw up legal papers. in case sister changes her mind six months into the pregnancy. in case sister wants financial contributions for 18 years. in case sister wants to co-parent with you two. in case sister decides parenting isn't for her after all and wants your gf to take the baby back. in case sister decides your gf should foot the bill for prenatal costs. sister pays all legal fees.

nah. she's allowed to want to help her sister, and you're allowed to not want her to. ultimately, it's her body, and you're going to have to decide if it's a deal-breaker, but you wouldn't be an asshole if it was. pregnancy is a huge deal, it affects your whole life and lifestyle for a long time, and there are always health risks. regardless of whether sister takes girlfriend up on the offer right now, you should work out your feelings and have a talk with girlfriend about it soon since it could come up again in the future. if she tries to guilt you into accepting this, she'd be an asshole and this would transform into nta.

nah leaning slightly towards nta. i feel like your gf should realize that offering to be a surrogate for someone else's child while she's in a relationship with another person would be a deal breaker for a lot of people. it's her body and her choice, but realistically this isn't something many people would be ok with their so doing and she should understand this. a pregnancy is also something that you'll have to experience with her if she does decide to be surrogate for her sister, and it's not even for your child! you're definitely fine to tell her that you would not want her to do this, and if she does end up deciding to you'd be perfectly fine to leave the relationship if you wanted to.

nta. your gf might be though. why would she volunteer to bring a child in to a situation like that with a mother like that.

nah. this is one of those situations where i can see both sides as reasonable. if i were you i would also be upset, and if i were her i might really want to give this gift to my sister. it’s a tough one for sure. i hope you guys are able to come to an agreement that you can both live with.

you're nta for not wanting her to do this but it doesn't really sound like she asked you? you write you said "no" but it's her choice to make not yours and it seems like she already made it

between you and your gf - nah the sister and mother on the other hand are definitely ta. and your concerns are legitimate. your gf already has 2 kids, so 2 healthy (i assume) pregnancies. but you and she have been discussing having a child together. not only does that put your plans on hold for like a *year*, but also what if something goes wrong? what if this third pregnancy is the one that doesn't run smoothly, and something happens to your gf's uterus, or just her psychological wellbeing and she can't or won't want to get pregnant again afterwards? she shouldn't put her happiness and physical well being on the line for a sister who is a) abusive towards her, and b) not actually in a position to raise a child of her own. does the sister have a well paying job? how much does she make a year? can she afford child care? or is she just going to foist the child back off onto your gf to take care of and say it's hears the way a 6 year old treats a pet cat; "oh it's her cat, but we feed it and love it and clean it and take it to the vet...". have you sat your gf down and outlined all of your concerns? cuz if not you should.

nah...tentatively.... >i also said no because her sister isn’t dating anyone, isn’t married. she just literally wants to get some guys sperm and fertilize an egg for her. i personally think she should start dating and find someone who wants to raise a family for her. a lot of women who aren't in relationships have gone this route and have done well for themselves and their kids. you didn't mention if the sister could afford this life or not.

nta. she’s ta if she does this in spite of the damage it will cause to your relationship.

BENIGN

throwaway because i don want this linked to my main account. i (m47) was married to my ex (f45) for 5 years and have been divorced for about 18 years. there two reasons for our divorce, the main ones were the fact that i didn’t want kids (she did) and more importantly she discovered that she wasn’t attracted to men. while we did discuss this stuff when we met, i was still sitting on the fence about babies and she wasn’t sure about her sexuality also we got married with the fairy tails in mind of love conquering all, obviously it didn’t. anyway we had an amicable divorce, very civil and fair after all we didn’t hate each other we just weren’t compatible so in our last months as a couple two things happened, first she moved in with a “roommate” (which makes me think she was cheating but that’s not the point) and we had a talk about me being a donor to her so she could have a baby, back then i still had very fresh feelings for her and the whole situation so long story short i agreed, a contract was made, i surrendered parental rights and years later this “roommate” adopted the kid. i now know this was a horrible idea. as soon as the pregnancy was confirmed our civil relationship became awful, lots of fights and disagreements that now include my ex’s new partner, so we ended up just having no contact with each other and by extension i didn’t have any contact with the child, i wasn’t there when he was born and only saw him 3 times when he was a baby. my mother asked my ex to keep in touch with the kid and she agreed as long as she never tried to intervene with anyone relationship and limited to be the kid’s auntie which she respected. my mother is the one who occasionally talks to me about the kid and has shown me pictures, i listen to her because she loves this kid to death but i have never felt any connection with him, desire to meet him or be a part of his life. all of this bring us to last july, the kid is now 17 years by this point he knows who i am but we have never interacted with each other but he told me ex and my mother that he would like to meet me and get to know his biological dad and kind off start making up for the lost time, so my ex contacted me after years and asked if i wanted to meet him, i said no and this didn’t go well, the first time we talked in years and it became a 3 hour argument over the phone. at first i didn’t feel bad because i specifically said i wouldn’t be a part of his life and surrendered all paternity rights, also i wouldn’t feel fatherly just because we now can hang out so i might be doing this kid a disservice by meeting him, but then i got thinking that i at least should give him the chance to get this out of his system so now i’m wondering if i am the asshole

aita for not wanting to be part of my biological child´s life?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/pzfwjq/aita_for_not_wanting_to_be_part_of_my_biological/

2021-10-01 20:01:34

nah. you and ex decided early on that you wouldn't be a part of kiddo's life. that's fair. kiddo was provided for, and you didn't abandon kid to be left in a dumpster or whatever. now that kiddo is nearly grown, it's reasonable to want to know where he comes from. it's reasonable for ex to defend kid's request. it's reasonable for you to bounce. no one has done anything untoward, here.

nah. he has a right to want to meet you. you have a right not to accept the invitation. or to accept. it’s fine either way. your situation is one step removed from a sperm donor in that you knew and had been married to the mother. not some deadbeat dad. sperm donor with a twist. you do you. best of luck with it.

nta as you were only a sperm donor since you signed over your parental rights. i do think it might be worth while to meet him at least once so he can hear your side of what occurred as well getting pertinent family medical history from you. you do need to be clear that you aren’t looking for an ongoing relationship as you are no more than a spent donor. as long as you never meet him, his imagination will run wild.

nah except your ex who made it a fight. it would be nice of you to meet him, but that could open the door for him wanting more of a relationship. it’s touchy. i wouldn’t meet him, if it were me.

nta - your ex cheated on you, exploited your breakup to get a child then by the looks of things ensured there was enough conflict to ensure you couldn’t be near them. now after all this time the child (shock horror!) wants to meet their father and you ain’t keen. this is all your exs making, i would very clearly establish that and if there is any possibility of anything she needs to own that. beyond that, i would encourage you to take some time to truly reflect on this moment, it is a massive one for you to make a decision about.

imma take a probably controversial stance and say nta. you wanted to be child free, you sign away your rights, and have never tried to play family. you made a perfectly valid choice and everyone agreed. i understand a child wanting to know their parents, but if u don't want to i don't think you should have to. tho if you do decide to meet the child i think that's also a valid choice. i don't think there really is a right or wrong answer here. tho i will say if u decide to meet the kid think carefully cause they will likely get their hopes up and it could be harmful to meet them and then remain not part of their life afterwards.

nah you signed away your parental rights so you have no obligation to meet with him but please make sure he has access to your medical history at the very least

nta - prior to her getting pregnant it was decided that you would be a sperm donor and nothing else. both you and the mother were clear on that from the beginning. you have no obligation to change that unless you want to. the one obligation you do have, which i am guessing your mother has already taken care of, is to make sure the boy has your and your family's medical history. that can end up being important.

nta. you were a sperm donor and that was what was agreed upon. that said, i'd still meet the kid. he's got your genetics and you don't know. maybe you might have stuff in common. just my two cents.

nta - i honestly don’t think your the asshole but you should probably just meet him, you did sign your parental rights to someone else so i don’t think so but you should at least talk to him like at a lunch👍

BENIGN

my ex died last month. i share two kids with my ex. neither of them wanted to go to where their dad lived to have a funeral or anything life that. they had a very difficult relationship with them so i understood. however i am still listed as my ex’s emergency contact so his landlord called me about his stuff. i made time this week to go over there and deal with it. i thought i would just pick out a few things of his for my kids in case they changed their mind later and actually wanted something of his. my ex also had another son (shane) from another relationship. so i also set up a time with his social worker for shane to come by the first day i got there so he could pick out stuff first since he saw his dad more often than my kids did. anyway my ex didn’t actually have a lot of things that were meaningful and could be kept as sentimental value. his place was basically just full of trash. best things we could find were just some old clothes. still i saved a couple shirts to bring home just in case. shane didn’t want any of them though. the one thing he wanted was a car that was in the garage. this wasn’t a working car. it was just the shell/frame. i’m not sure exactly what it’s called, but all the stuff inside wasn’t there missing. it was just the metal. his dad had apparently promised shane that they would work on it together so that he could have it when he turned 16. shane asked me to store the car for him. the thing is the cheapest place near here to store the car is like $127 a month. which is a lot of money. especially considering it would cost around $7000-$8000 total at a minimum since shane doesn’t turn 18 for another 5 years. it’s also pretty expensive to move the car across the country to where i live and even if i did i would still have to store it because we don’t have anymore spots for cars at our house. so that would be even more money and my husband and i are really trying not to save money. this is something i have to figure out today because i leave to go back home tomorrow. the landlord is going to have everything left behind taken away after i leave. so am i the asshole for not storing the car? i can tell shane was very emotional about the car, so hearing it’s going to be taken away is probably going to be very distressing. - for everyone asking my ex had no other family aside from his kids. shane also has no other family aside from his mom who is not in a position to help due many personal issues.

wibta for not storing my dead ex’s car for his son?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nv7hqk/wibta_for_not_storing_my_dead_exs_car_for_his_son/

2021-06-08 16:00:25

nah. i think you need to calmly explain to shane and his now-parents that you are totally fine with them having the car, but you cannot afford to store it so it will need to be picked up or they need to make arrangements to store it. you aren't denying shane the car, on the contrary, you really want him to have it- but it is unreasonable to expect that you would pay nearly 8k to store a chunk of metal in a garage until shane can pick it up. realistically, shane is only 13 and doesn't understand about storage fees and what the cost of things actually are- better you explain it to him and his folks (hopefully at the same time, so they don't just decide to say "screw it" and then blame you and say you threw it away) what the cost is. who knows, this may motivate shane to find someone locally who would help him restore it/store it if they can simply pay to transport it, which may be feasible?

nah. it is completely understandable that shane would want the car. however it is also completely understandable that you don't want to spend a lot of money to make that happen. unless there is a large pile of money sitting somewhere that you could use - i wouldn't try to store the car. shane will eventually understand that it just wasn't feasible.

nah. i feel bad for shane, i really do. i'm a car guy and i really understand the sentimental value of something like this. it's a huge deal for him. but unfortunately it's just not feasible to hold on to it. unless he has any other family he can ask, he might have to let the car go.

nah you can't be expected to pay for the storage of the car. if shane doesn't have a place to store it, it is very unfortunate but out of your hands. maybe you could contact his social workerr or his mom to see if they have a solution for the car.

nta. shane is 13, old enough to understand that this is financially not feasible for you to do. if you can, reach out to shane's other parent or current guardian and let them make the decision as to whether or not to store the vehicle.

poor kid!!! nah - that’s more than can be expected for you to do, the cost way exceeds the value of the car. but i feel sick for poor shane. i wish there was something else he could have from his dad 💔

tough choice but i’d suggest talking to the social worker about this. they may have some idea of what to do but if you don’t keep the car due to expenses, i can’t fault you as being an ah. so nta

nah you’re not the asshole for not wanting to shell out a couple grand for a car that has no real value to you. however, i find it hard to call a grieving 13 year old an ah because he wants the only sentimental item of his dad’s to be stored. does shane have any other family members you can contact? or anyone else in his life that’d be willing to store the car for him?

nta i'm sorry and i'm sure shane is going to be upset but you can't store the car for 5 plus years. and there's no guarantee he'll have anywhere for it when he does turn 18. are you going to pay the store it until he's 30? i mean i'm sorry but if he does not have a place to put it right now just explain to him you can't afford to pay storage fees and you can't get it to where you live. this shouldn't be on you

nah. you’re not an ah for not wanting to spend thousands storing the car and i can’t call a kid mourning his father an ah for wanting to hold on to something they were meant to share. does he have anyone in his family that could help him out? even a friend who could store it? did your ex have any friends who may help out? i’d suggest maybe offering to pay for storage for a month to give him time to arrange something but nothing longer than that (and if you do that, contact the estate lawyer to get it in writing and have his legal guardian sign off on this arrangement).

BENIGN

girlfriend taking phone calls in the middle of our conversations aita my girlfriend has been picking up the phone in the middle of our conversations lately. today we were in the middle of discussing social media's responsibility in controlling content and how far that should go. although it's not necessarily an important conversation for us we were both interested in talking about it. i kept getting cut off so i let her talk for awhile and make her points, the minute i get to start talking a friend of hers calls. she immediately answers and starts talking to them, on answering she asks what's up and the answer is "oh nothing, just thought i'd call" she continues to talk to her friend and completely ignore me. i got frustrated, this is at least the third time this week similar things have happened. i tried talking to her and i'm being told that it doesn't matter, she doesn't talk to this friend often, and i shouldn't ruin our morning by getting upset. i'm now even more frustrated, to me it's extremely rude, like you can call them back, or answer and make sure it's nothing important and call them later. to me it's extremely rude, and instead of recognizing that you tell me i'm ruining the morning for getting frustrated???

aita frustrated with girlfriend taking calls mid conversation

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mf4pi6/aita_frustrated_with_girlfriend_taking_calls_mid/

2021-03-28 16:53:14

nah - if you are on a date or something its super rude. but if it's a casual conversation in your home and someone calls it's normal to answer the phone when someone calls.

nta. so many people raised with cell phones have no sense of manners when using them...

nah. conversation wasn't important, she felt like answering the call. she should've said "mind if i take this" and then carry on with your conversation after the call, that would've been better. she doesn't need to make you her number priority everytime her phone rings. she has a life and friendships outside of the relationship and that's a good thing. while she's on the phone you could be away doing your own thing instead of sitting stewing in your own bad mood all morning. hey, you could even call one of your friends while she talks to hers.

nta. it is rude.

nah - you weren't talking about anything serious and she wasn't trying to hurt you. it would have been nice if she asked, "do you mind if i take this?" but not doing that doesn't make her t a. sounds like you're frustrated about other things that have happened and not feeling heard. i know you didn't ask for advice but let me give it anyway: try bringing up how you feel later when it won't turn into an argument. let her know how you feel about what she did (before you get mad at her next time) and see if you can come to an agreement.

nah if you guys had something planned it would be different imo, if you spend a lot of time together, when is she realistically going to talk to her friends? it also sounds like you like to hear yourself talk as you seem to begrudge her making some points.* *statistically speaking, men interrupt more and talk more overall, but believe women do- if women speak >30% of the time, they're perceived as monopolising the discussion.

nah i’ve been married a loooooong time. if the phone rings we usually just answer it. if it’s a restaurant or something we wouldn’t but a casual conversation at home? not a big deal

nah i think it would be rude if you guys were out on a date or something but if you’re just hanging out at home i don’t see the big deal.

nta, your gf sounds pretty rude.

> i tried talking to her and i'm being told that it doesn't matter she’s telling you that your concern doesn’t matter to her. nta

BENIGN

me \[29f\] and my sister \[28f\] mary (fake name) reconnected over 23andme a couple years ago. my mom gave her up for adoption at birth while i was not given up for adoption. i did not find out until i was 25 when my mom told me. she passed away shortly after this. a couple years ago i decided to do 23andme to try and find her. i immediately found a 50% match and we matched up. it turns out that she didn't live very far from me and we made plans to meet up. there was an instant connection. mary and i had many things in common and even look similar. it was really great to build a relationship with her and we became close very quickly. mary was initially sad that our mother had passed away but was happy to be able to build a relationship with me. neither of us know who our biological father is. we usually meet up for dinner about twice a month and she has lately been complaining about growing up adopted and saying her life would have been so much better had our mother not given her up. this bothers me for a couple of reasons. mary knows that i had an extremely tough life growing up. my mom and i often didn't have enough to eat and would go to bed hungry. we moved around a lot and my mom also had a lot of boyfriends who weren't good people. i'm still getting therapy for the things that happened in my childhood. i've met mary's parents and they're very nice people. mary has never gone hungry and even had her private college paid for. this most recent time we had dinner she complained again so i got a little upset. i don't think i was yelling but i may have raised my voice and basically told her she's being completely ungrateful to her adoptive parents and that i would have loved to have been adopted by her parents. she started crying and left and we haven't spoken since. was i the asshole?

aita for calling my sister ungrateful for complaining about being adopted?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/flzg1o/aita_for_calling_my_sister_ungrateful_for/

2020-03-20 17:56:17

nah. you’ve both idealized the other’s life. i imagine you’d need to be the one to extend the olive branch (if you’re interested in that) since you sort of escalated the situation.

nah - everyone has their own burdens to bear and till you have lived her life you don't know what her life was like (or her yours).

nah any situation like this is going to be tough. it can be so hard on both sides. you had a hard life with your birth mother, and she had an easier life knowing that someone gave her away. neither of those are easy headspaces to work through, and you don't have the benefit of being able to just ask your mother. i suggest talking to her about going forward. you had the lives you had, and wishing for different can't change that. but you have found each other and you have the potential to have a really good relationship with her. try to focus on the future, not the past.

nah being adopted can have a traumatic effect on someone’s life, no matter how good their upbringing was you’re also nta because it can be frustrating for someone who has experienced what you had to experience to deal with someone complaining about their upbringing

nah, you're both dealing with something heavy. mary will never get to hear her biological mom say she loves her, or explain why she made the choice she did for her, but not you when it happened again months later. she will never know if it was a labor of love or rejection, especially if she was "your moms dirty little secret". you don't feel like mary appreciates that she didn't have to live through what you did. both points are truthful, valid, and painful to live with. i think you should check out r/adoption they might have better advice for you.

soft yta. i'm not adopted but have an adopted friend who's very active in an organisation for adult adoptees. the "you should be grateful" argument is a very, very sore spot for many adoptees. apologise, tell her you don't understand what it's like to be adopted, you were thoughtless and won't say anything like that again.

yikes that’s a really tough situation. i don’t know if you were an asshole and can understand your frustration but i think you were insensitive in your approach. mary’s issue probably stems from not having known her birth mom and now not having a chance to ever be able to get to know her. nah.

nah can i possibly give a little perspective as someone adopted? i love my parents deeply and they have given me everything i have ever wanted but ever since i was a little girl i wondered why i was adopted and what my life would’ve been like. i used to think my mom was a princess in a far off land who had to send me away to tend to her royal duties. my point being kids can really get a picture in their head of what life could’ve been like, what their family would’ve been like, where they come from. everything. i recently came into contact with both birth parents (they haven’t spoken in... 15 years probably) and while they are happy in life i know my opportunities wouldn’t be as great if i stayed with either of them. i still can’t help but wonder though where i would be in life. if she never got a chance to meet her birth mother and she gets along with you so well this might really cause her to feel sad she didn’t grow up in this other life. also you’re just a year older than her but she was the one picked to be put up for adoption and without getting to talk to her birth mother to know why there may not be that closure she needs to stop wondering and feeling sad ab the life she missed out on. being adopted can be a trauma on its own and causes issues she may be trying to process it all still. i understand why you feel the way you do, but it’s hard being adopted but also hard to understand if you’re not. there are subreddits for people adopted maybe reading can help you better understand?

nah. you both went through life two totally different ways and dont truly understand what the other went through. with your instant connection, being siblings, she may have felt comfortable enough to share this with you thinking you would understand however through no fault of your own, you went through your own shit. this may need to be an off limits topic for you both.

nah. you both have your own point of view and i don't think either of you is wrong. people just often assume that other people have it better than them and it's hard to judge whether that is true or not. the grass is always greener on the other side. the two of you should try looking at the situation from the other's perspective so you can understand each other better. try to sympathize with each other. i'm pretty sure neither of your life is perfect. the two of you are sister, don't let this ruin that.

BENIGN

i have a 20 mile drive between work and home. about 7-8 miles of that is a stretch through a pretty desolate wooded area. has a lot of curves so is also popular with motorcyclists. ​ this happened last week while i was returning from work about 7:30-8:00 in the evening, around that time when it starts to get dark. i am in this stretch when turning around a corner, i see a man lying on the shoulder with a motorcycle lying about 40-50 yards ahead. because of the tricky curves and somewhat hilly terrain it is an accident prone zone, specially for motorcyclists, and wipeouts are also common. i couldn't really tell how badly he was injured as he was in full sports biker gear with a helmet, but he appeared to be moving about. kinda writhing. ​ after seeing this man, i pulled out my phone but as expected given the area, cell coverage is spotty and my call to 911 didn't go through. generally speaking the working advice is for nearby residents is, if someone is injured, don't call 911, just drive them out of the area as getting through to 911 is next to impossible there and you can lose precious time. ​ now comes the difficult part, given the desolate nature of this stretch with a lot of blind spots and corners to hide, it is also known for ambush robberies and in the past there have been a fair number of instances where people have stopped to help what they thought was someone in distress only to have been ambushed and robbed. its bad enough that the county installed camera's. they're not really monitored actively, but they do record and about a day's worth of footage can be obtained. ​ i slowed down to take a better look but given the dusky conditions, it didn't help. basically it was fifty-fifty chance it could get either of the two scenarios. ​ not sure what was really up i kept driving, redialing 911 till i got to a point where i can proper cell reception, took about 10-15 minutes before i could get through and i gave them the necessary info and they said they'll send an ambulance and police to look into it. ​ couple of days later, i bumped into a buddy of mine who's one of the sheriff's deputy, i told him what had happened and he let me know that someone was injured, he was the one who'd gotten the call. he hadn't known it was me who called it in. the motorcyclist had cut himself when he collided with the guardrail. the ambulance did find him alive, but he passed about 5 minutes from the hospital. ​ this thing has been weighing on me since i found out what happened. me assuming the worst resulted in a man dying on the side of the road. i told a few close family and friends about what had happened and how i'd reacted. when i ask if i did anything wrong, i only get complete silence. ​ i have set up an appointment with my therapist. i am desperate to talk to someone about this. its two weeks down. but i really want to know did i do anything wrong? was i the asshole?

aita for not helping a man injured next to the highway because i was afraid of getting robbed?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cn964r/aita_for_not_helping_a_man_injured_next_to_the/

2019-08-07 17:57:01

nah. if this man died despite medical attention and an ambulance, there's probably not much you could've done to save his life if you had stopped. in fact you didn't get cell service so if you had stopped to help him, you would've been unable to call for an ambulance. sure maybe you could've loaded him in the car, driven him to the hospital, but who knows what difference it could've made? his death is not on your hands. i can only imagine the guilt you're experiencing right now.

nah. you were put into a crappy situation and you were reasonable to be afraid. you called the police at your first opportunity and you did what you could. if you transported him in your car, there is potential that you could’ve done more harm than good if he had a neck injury or something else. i’m glad you are seeing your therapist and i hope you do get over this. you did all you could though

nah you made an attempt to call 911 there. when you couldn’t, you made repeated attempts until you got through. you got him the best help you were able to while remaining safe yourself. i do work in 911 and our number one rule when talking to a caller in a potentially dangerous situation is to not have to caller put themselves in danger. keep your appointment, guilt is a bitch. and you’ll likely feel it for a bit even though you’re not at fault here

nah, unless you count the thieves. look, you didn't have reception, you couldn't be sure it wasn't a trap to get you to stop. it's highly unfortunate that it happened the way it did, but you called as soon as you could. you don't know what other delays there might have been, too, as to how long it took the ambulance to actually get there, etc. definitely talk to your therapist about it and take some time to process your feelings, but this is just one of those times where life's dealt a crap hand to those involved. you would have been the asshole if you'd blown off calling, but a lack of cell reception? not your fault.

nta. you called when you had reception and got him help from qualified emergency personnel. unless you are a nurse or someone trained in medical emergencies, i don’t see how you could have helped any more if you had stopped.

nta, if you stopped you would not have been able to call for help, if you took him to the hospital his injuries likely would have been to extensive for you to help with potentially causing even more damage in the process. your personal safety is important and you called for help and did what you could. would a different route change the outcome? probably not

nah - your fears were justified. you took as much action as you felt safely doing. i never will stop on the highway to help because i am terrified that i will be hit by a distracted driver. it seems to always be the good samaritan that ends up squashed by a semi. it was a truly unfortunate situation and even if you had stopped you likely would not have had the proper medical equipment to even help the person. this is not your fault and glad to hear you will be seeking counseling and therapy for the incident.

nta. they need to work on fixing the cell reception in that area because clearly people's lives can end up in danger either due to lack of cell reception to call in emergencies or because of the robberies which can easily turn to murder. if they know it's an issue, they should work to fix it instead of asking people to put not only their own lives in danger but the people who are hurt too. there's a reason you're not supposed to move someone unless you're a trained professional. you moving him could have made it worse and it's not easy to drag an adult male (especially in full biker outfit) who is dead weight by yourself without any proper tools. ridiculous that they expect this of people. i'm hoping this is a shitpost but if it's not, no, you're not ta. you did what you had to for you and it sucks that he died but the city or county could help this by pushing to get another cell tower installed. or more if needed. this isn't on you. plus, and this is a little harsh, but when you choose to ride a bike, you accept the fact that if you get into am accident, you can be significantly more hurt than if you'd traveled in a car. nobody forced him to ride a bike.

nah you only provide help when you are 100% sure you are not going to get hurt yourself. you did nothing wrong. it was an accident. chances are he would have died in your car waiting for that ambulance. it's horrible but things like that happen. please think about talking to a professional to help deal with your misplaced guilt. it's not your fault.

i teach scuba diving and first aid. i mention this because when teaching emergency reaction situations the first rule is to not become a victim yourself. rushing out to save a drowning victim without being prepared will get you drowned too. considering this guy was injured and you were in an area known for ambush robberies, you took a calculated decision to avoid that risk. you also took the time to keep calling 911 to get someone with the skills to check on the guy. you gave a damn, even if the outcome was ultimately loss of life. nah. you did your best.

BENIGN