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MattBoraske

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Reddit-AITA-2018-to-2022

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i dm for a group of 5 people: will, lorraine, ben, issac and holly. i met the latter three at uni, while will and lorraine (a couple) are friends of a friend. i'm not am experienced dm but i really like this group as there's always a fun atmosphere around the table. as an additional advantage, the group doesn't have anyone that's a creep which is a real luxury. a while ago we were watching a bunch of youtubers playing some d&d who were dressed up as their characters. i can't remember who suggested it but somehow the idea that we should do the same got floated around and as it sounded like fun, so everyone agreed. next session everyone had their costumes ready and everyone looked great considering that we didn't have much time/budget. the session went really well. all of the group seemed to be acting in character way more than usual and as we wrapped up i chalked it down as a really great night and got a lot of great feedback from people there. a few days later though, holly messaged me privately outside of the group chat, saying how the costumes lorraine and will were wearing had made her feel uncomfortable and that she didn't think they were appropriate, that they were unnecessarily showing off and made the rest of us look inadequate, even if it was unintentional. she also asked me to ask them to wear more next session. now, i wouldn't say anyone at the table was unattractive or overweight, but will and lorraine are both highly physically active people and have the bodies to match, and their costumes didn't cover a lot. will's character is a monk, and his costume was basically dhalsim off street fighter: shirtless and with warpaint covering his chest and face. lorraine meanwhile plays a sorcerer and was wearing a woven bikini top, harem pants and african style body paint (apparently you can't get elf ears for black people). as a dm/dnd player in general, i like to think i have a really low tolerance for creeps and the usual shittyness that can come with a hobby mostly populated by nerdy guys and take every complaint i get about someone's behaviour seriously, but i'm not sure i can with this. like if they'd showed up wearing, say bondage gear i might've had a word but they made sense for them as characters, they weren't showing any more skin than you'd see at the beach, and the outfits themselves wouldn't be out of place at a music festival and the designs were inventive. everyone else sent messages saying how much they enjoyed the last session and the effort people went to for their outfits so it just seems like a shame to stop doing it because one of us is made uncomfortable by a bit of skin (as far as i know, holly hasn't mentioned it to will or lorraine). so yeah, am i an arsehole for not taking this seriously? like i get having body issues, but i'm not sure being intimidated by physically fit people and being uncomfortable around them is a good way to go in life and the session we had in-costume was one of the best we've ever had.

aita for not taking one of my player's complaints about being uncomfortable seriously?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b2kmd6/aita_for_not_taking_one_of_my_players_complaints/

2019-03-18 16:16:44

nta. listen, you’re the dm and seen as the figure of authority in your group, but that certainly isn’t the same as a teacher in a classroom — it is not your job to mediate the social dynamic of the group. they are adults and if holly has a problem with the way will and lorraine are dressed, that should be their discussion. i see how holly could want to go to you as the dm, since you get to make the rules of the game, but this is certainly something that you can take a step back from and say, “not my place to monitor other people’s clothing.” i would ever go on to say it would be one thing if you’re recording/streaming the dnd sessions, but i’m assuming you aren’t, so it’s not like anyone else is seeing the players and commenting on appearance.

nta yet, because you are taking it seriously, that’s why you’re still pondering and weighing your judgement. you should check with her and talk about her true motivation and reasoning. why did it make her uncomfortable exactly as the costumes seemingly weren’t that revealing? just so you get a better grasp of the problem. even if you would decide against her, she’d at least would have had the feeling she had been taking into consideration. present her what you think of it after that, in a delicate way because physical insecurities are very difficult to bypass/handle. try to instill the fact that it shouldn’t bother her. if that’s not possible, contact the others and ask them what they think of it and if they would willingly adapt their costumes, without breaching holly’s privacy too much. maybe a group chat, moderated by you, could also help. everyone enjoys the game itself so you have a good chance on having a group of people willing to work towards a solution everyone is comfortable with. remember though: people do have the right to do whatever they want within the framework of what is generally acceptable. so if no common solution is found, holly should accept the situation. basically what you’re already thinking. whatever you choose to decide: motivate it so people know exactly why you decide it and what you took into consideration. even if it’s not what they want, they will be more prone to accept it.

nta i think you should talk with her a little more about it though so she feels better about the situation. maybe probe her and ask “well why does it make you uncomfortable?” and remind her that it’s no more skin than you’d see at a beach/nightclub. you wouldn’t want her to drop off because she feels written off.

nta. if she feels uncomfortable because she's insecure, then she needs to take this up directly with them. i don't think that you should be enabling her insecurities. she should be trying to get over them.

nta. sounds like holly is being a “territorial smurfette.” being catty to lorraine for being the other woman in the group and having an attractive boyfriend.

nah, but there's an easy way to solve it. dump their characters in the arctic. they'll have a quick change of clothes for next session.

nta. it sounds like the person who made the complaint is being insecure. i’m not sure how i’d tell them that, but i don’t think you should change anything.

i would say nah. i think holly is certainly entitled to feel uncomfortable but that shouldn't mean you need to make adjustments to make her feel comfortable, perhaps she just isn't a good match for your group.

nta. like...you're in charge of the game, but you're not actually an authority figure here, and you're certainly not the modesty police. and you're right, from what you describe they wouldn't be out of place at a convention. you're all adults here, holly needs to figure out how to act like one and voice her discomfort for herself.

nah. holly has issues of her own most likely and is hoping you'll solve them for her.

BENIGN

i (18m) just graduated grade 12 this year. my younger stepsister (12f) just graduated grade 7. my dad and stepmom came to my grad commencement but they left almost immediately after it was done. i hardly got to see them after, it was just a quick hi and they left. today my dad phoned and asked me if i wanted to come to my stepsisters graduation party (its tomorrow) and it felt like a slap in the face. like i get graduating grade 7 is a big accomplishment but they did nothing for me. i wasn't even expecting anything big, at least a "good job" or something but they left so quickly after my commitment that it felt like they didn't want to be there in the first place. i guess i felt like i was treated unfairly because my stepsister graduated grade 7 and they threw a party for her and i graduated grade 12 and they barely interacted with me about it. they've always put her before me and i get it for the most part. she's 12 and i'm 18 so of course they're going to spend more time with her but they don't spend any of their time on me. they never have. when i was younger and id go over to their place, they'd sit in their room and watch tv and make me look after my stepsister. and to be completely honest my stepsister and i don't have the greatest relationship. she's the type of kid that throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way and has to get presents at another kids birthday party. i know that sounds harsh but it always happened at my birthdays. and the one time it didn't i had go give her 3 of my presents. i know that if i go i'm going to be in a bad mood and thats probably going to ruin the party and i don't want ruin it for her so i declined going. around 30 minutes ago my stepmom blew up my phone with texts, calling me a selfish asshole for not going and now i'm thinking i should just suck it up and go. i asked my mom and stepdad for a second opinion but they said they want to stay out of it. so aita for not going to her party? editing to add: her graduating grade 7 is a big deal because, where i live, its the end of elementary school and now she's going to highschool. theres no middle school where i live

aita for not going to my stepsisters graduation party?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vpbure/aita_for_not_going_to_my_stepsisters_graduation/

2022-07-01 21:44:01

nta my response would be... "thank you for the invite, however, given that i just graduated high school, many of my friends will be having parties given by their families on that/this weekend and i will be making the rounds to those where i can celebrate our accomplishments."

so nta and don’t go. i have never heard of a 7th grade grad party. also disappointed your mom and stepdad didn’t offer a perspective.

nta. what the hell is your step mum messaging you like that? no. if anyone should be communicating with you about your actions and choices its your dad or your mum. they choose to prioritise her thats fine, but you choose to prioritise yourself. don't respond to your step mum. just screenshot the messages from her and send them to your dad. and then send him this post. nta. they can throw a massive party for one child, but cant even say a measly two words to you 'good job'. no they are ahs.

nta don't go. you would be miserable and angry. since they are so busy blowing up your phone, you might as well calmly ask why they didn't do anything for your high school graduation. heck, they're mad anyway.

nta. i’d lie my ass off and say, “i can’t attend because i already have plans to celebrate my high school graduation tomorrow. some friends found out that my parents didn’t even have dinner with me in celebration and now their parents all want do something for me.”

nta. and i have to say, you're being the only responsible person here, for this: > i know that if i go i'm going to be in a bad mood and thats probably going to ruin the party and i don't want ruin it for her so i declined going. everyone else is either being selfish or enabling, while you've thought about what the objectively best option for everybody is. don't let them make you second-guess yourself.

nta now that you are 18 you get to pick who you spend time with and for what reasons. it sounds like your step-sister, step-mom and dad have shown you where their priorities are, and that they want a one-sided relationship. growing up is hard because of choices like these- and to have make this decision about your own dad and sibling is terrible. my advice would be to explain when you decline so that way you at least feel heard, and then can move on.

nta- you don't feel like partying and are reasonably salty about being treated like you don't matter to your dad and stepmom. not going is a good choice.

nta - your stepmom and dad are definitely ahs and their behavior is why your stepsister is a brat. and no, it's not a big deal to "graduate" 7th grade. that's basic shit that everyone is supposed to do. making a big deal out of her doing things she's supposed to do is just going to make her a lazy and unaccomplished adult who expects the world and everyone in it to cater to her. since you're 18 and don't live with them, i suggest you simply don't interact with them at all. clearly, they can't see what they are.

nta. they treat you very badly. that is a simple fact. congrats on finishing high school, move away from them and onto the rest of your life.

BENIGN

a new friend of mine and i discovered we have the same birthday and said we’d have to celebrate together when the time came. i haven’t had a birthday party since i was a little girl, but agreed to having an intimate get together. we each said we’d invite only our closest friends, we’d make a boxed cake, a couple finger food appetizers and i would make a playlist for my bluetooth speaker. i don’t have many friends or family in the area so i knew i’d only be inviting 3-5 people tops. we are now several weeks out from the date and i got a text from her this morning letting me know that she has invited 40 people (none of whom i know) and hired a dj. she asked me to let her know how much i will be coming up with for the meat and alcohol budget as she’s already projected $1,500. now, i think it is important to include that i am a single mother currently in between jobs, while she is much older and well established. we met when i did some work for her at her business, but i haven’t gotten any work from her recently. i explained to her that with my financial situation, incoming bills, school clothes shopping for my daughter, etc. that i just don’t have that kind of money. furthermore, even if i did, spending hundreds of dollars on strangers for my own birthday is just not something i care to do. not to mention i only have one friend who is able to make it. i am very much a people pleaser so i went on to explain that i want to help, and am still ready and willing to do what i agreed to in the beginning - but she shot back and told me she is not going to skimp out on her guests and needs help paying for a proper meal. when i didn’t instantly agree, she angrily responded that she will have another friend who actually wants to help her do it. aita for standing my ground here and not putting myself out for someone else’s event?

aita for not paying half?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wxn7ww/aita_for_not_paying_half/

2022-08-25 19:31:35

nta "sorry, that's not the scope of birthday celebration i anticipated. we'll need to celebrate separately."

nta. you don't plan an intimate party with another person and then just flip the script and say "oh i need 1500 bucks for booze and beef". that's just plain rude. i'd look for different people.

nta stop with the jade (justify, argue, defend explain). it's irrelevant that you're a single mom or that she hasn't hired you for any business recently. the relevant part is that you're not going to spend that much money on your birthday party, and what she's planning no longer works for you. agree with her that her working with her other friend instead of you is probably best, and stop offering to do anything for the event.

nta- do not feel bad for standing your ground. what she is asking is ridiculous to expect. as someone else said, she just wants someone else to foot half the expenses for her own big party.

nta. she obviously just wanted to stick you with a major part of the bill to throw herself a big bash.

nta. paying for her mistakes doesn’t make you an asshole. she went behind your back and made this sweet intimate party into a blowout party. not your fault she can’t afford her friends. you should do the small intimate party with you, your friend, and your kid. pizza, cake, and a bottle of wine.

nta .. she is trying to use you and knew it before hand you don't need friends like that

nta you signed up for an intimate party, that's not what you are getting now so it's totally reasonable for you to say "no, this isn't what i want."

you said x, she agreed and now wants to to pay half of y. nta

nta- i think the number of people and maximum budget should’ve been confirmed from the beginning but nothing justifies her getting a dj without your input if it was supposed to be a joint party. i do agree that finger food isn’t ideal when you’re hosting (potlucks are better if you’re really not trying to spend so much money on food), but she broke y’all’s agreement first by inviting so many people because no one would call 40 guests an intimate get together.

BENIGN

i’m really conflicted with this so i’d like some honest opinions. my upstairs neighbors are horrendous. my apartment complex is kind of old so i understand there’s going to be creaky floors and thin walls. but i’m not exaggerating when i say it sounds like there is a gym above me. it sounds like they are constantly dropping heavy weights on the floor. i don’t know if it’s their kids jumping off furniture or what but it’s nuts. i’ve probably sent 6 noise complaints in the last year but i just gave up because the leasing office managers didn’t seem to be doing anything about it. the bigger issue is that they let their small children operate their bathtub alone. they have overflowed their bathtub 6 times so far to my knowledge, three times causing a massive hole in my bathroom ceiling resulting in a waterfall coming into my apartment, the other times it was just water coming through our vent. i’m not going to lie to you the last time this happened i went full karen on the property managers. i’m sick of having to clean up the mess from the water, replacing things in my bathroom, and having repair people in my apartment constantly during a pandemic. i guess my karen moment really got them because they sent me a letter saying if anything else happened they’d pursue legal action to have them evicted. now i’m in the situation where if anything else occurs i can either a) ignore it or b) be the pos who made some kids homeless. i know it’s within my rights as a paying tenet to not have to deal with this but aita for making a scene?

aita for potentially getting my upstairs neighbors and their kids evicted?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kyv3cc/aita_for_potentially_getting_my_upstairs/

2021-01-17 00:23:22

nta, you are well within your rights to complain. it sounds like boarding on neglectful parents.

nta. this is not you being petty. i'm surprised management hasn't done something already as much damage as they have caused.

sorry, but you don't move into an apartment complex and think you have no responsibility to the people around you. they are neglectful and horrible neighbors. hopefully the management contacted the people upstairs and there won't be any more incidents. but if so, not your problem. this is a live and learn moment for them. nta

nta. water overflowing into your apartment is dangerous for multiple reasons. the ceiling could collapse on top of you, and water leaking down could cause (or possibly already has caused) mold to grow in the walls. you should complain and get your apartment tested for mold.

nta maybe they've received similar warning and they'll be considerate.

nta. you aren't getting anyone evicted. they are doing it to themselves. if they've had multiple warnings from the landlord, they have no one to blame but themselves. and i'd venture to guess it won't be their first eviction

it’s super weird that management would send you a letter like that. that’s a warning they need, not you. nta

nta, you need to look as the kids have nothing to do with it and this is all about the parents. honestly i would’ve called cps by now, those kids could drown or get hurt jumping off furniture. i say this from the experience of getting hurt stepping off furniture.

nta- it's not you who is making them homeless, it 's their parents action well lack of action that is going to get them evicted. i can only imagine the 1000s of dollars of damage they have done.

nta repeated bathtub overflows caused a massive hole in your ceiling. lodging complaints with management afterward is completely reasonable (not karening at all). this situation isn't your fault. something needs to change before it gets any worse. there's more at risk here than just property damage: small children can drown taking unattended baths. these little ones don't know how to operate a faucet properly. this has flooded half a dozen times. under these circumstances i'd think seriously about contacting cps.

BENIGN

for context: we’ve been dating for 1.5 years. also for context, we’re both pretty private with our phones, her more than me. her notifications don’t go to the lock screen, and she has a complicated password i’d never guess (not that i’d normally care; i barely even noticed until now). this happened last night and i can’t shake through whether or not i’m justified. we were cuddling and a name called “ken 😜” popped up on her phone on facetime. she tried to reject it really quickly but it seemed suspicious to me. i asked her who was that and she hesitated a moment before admitting it was her ex. this bothered me because we both don’t really say positive things about our exes, and i have no idea why he’d facetime (i don’t know if it’s just me, but video calling seems a lot more personal than phone calls or text messages). i asked her if she normally talks to her ex and she says no; they never talk, and doesn’t know why he called. i asked why was his name saved as that if she never talks to him, and she got annoyed and maintained that it was from when they were dating and she never deleted it. i asked her if she’d mind if i saw her text messages; not for everyone, just for that specific person. or if i could look at her call logs. she looked at my like i had four eyes and was **pissed**. she said that why do i want to go snooping on her phone? it’s a breach of privacy. i replied that i didn’t see it as snooping; it was just suspicious that a name she supposedly never talked to facetimed her, and it wouldn’t really take much to confirm her story. she restated that if i kept up acting crazy, i’d lose her, and i’m acting ridiculous. we fought, and as of now, we’re not speaking. i never really had a reason to not trust her, which is why i think i might be acting crazy. at the same time, it would’ve taken a quick 5 second glance to confirm her story. as it stands, it just sounds sketchy, and i can’t tell if she’s just that private, or is hiding something. i would normally never go through my partner’s phone without probably cause, but an ex facetiming you and the sketchiness just seemed weird. aita for wanting to go through her phone?

aita for demanding to go through my partner’s phone?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/b6lhm7/aita_for_demanding_to_go_through_my_partners_phone/

2019-03-28 17:13:12

~~nta- i feel like most people would have gone snooping in this situation, yet you were up front and asked. she did not need to freak out (you said she was "pissed" just by you asking) and could have just calmly explained that she did not feel comfortable with it. her emotional reaction makes me think that there is more to the story.~~ ​

nta if there was nothing to hide i would've shown it to my partner immediately. her behaviour sounds sketchy and as if she was hiding something. maybe you could've tried to frame it so that she could see from your perspective (i.e. asking her if she would want to take a glimpse of your most recent convo with an ex if they randomly decided to facetime you out of the blue and you tried to hide it).

man, this is a tough one to be honest. i'm really not sure how i feel about it. i'm going to give a tentative yta--relationships need to be built on trust--but her reaction to the facetime call seems pretty suspicious to me. so i really don't know...

yta either trust her, or don't, and decide where to go from there. and i don't care what reaction i get to this post. i acknowledge she's acting shady. but i will never, ever, ever agree that someone has the right to go through their partner's private conversations.

nta, it honestly blows me away how many people think you are; my suspicion is that there's a whole bunch of single people in this thread. relationships are built on mutual trust & understanding. trust is built, not blindly given, and understanding must be given in order to build trust. if you were randomly demanding to go through her phone, you'd be demonstrating a lack of trust and would be the asshole - but this is not that situation. instead, you were put in a situation that is objectively suspicious, which challenged your trust. she (and any reasonable person in a relationship) should be understanding of this, even if it hurts, and needs to extend that understanding by allowing you to see the messages (or lack thereof), which allows you to dispel the suspicion you reasonably feel & in turn builds your trust in her. once that's done, assuming all is as she said, she's allowed to be hurt by your lack of trust and you should be understanding of her reasonably hurt emotions. the objective reasonableness of your actions do not mean they weren't hurtful to her, because they do show a limit in your current ability to trust her. you then need to apologize and work to heal the hurt, which will in turn build her trust in you. in the end, you've worked through a potential issue and come out the other side with a stronger relationship where each party has more trust in the other than before. that's how relationships work, grow, and last. instead, you observed signs that your trust in her might be misplaced, and rather than understanding this and allowing you to dispel your suspicions, she chose to take the same actions that a cheater who is gaslighting their partner would take. this does not prove that she is cheating or gaslighting. it does, however, make it impossible for you to know if she is or is not. now you feel crazy, she feels hurt, and the relationship is damaged on both sides. no matter what's actually going on here, her actions here are damaging to your relationship and if this is how she's going to handle all future relationship challenges, then this relationship is not going to last. to the people saying that since you are in a relationship you have to trust her no matter what, especially given how long you've been together - ya'll think 1.5 years is enough to know someone perfectly, and enough to trust them in all situations no matter how suspicious? that's fucking dumb, mates. people are people, sometimes they fuck up, and sometimes they betray trust, even (gasp!) in relationships longer than 1.5 years. if you think that dating means the moment you become official that you must extend total, blind trust no matter what facts you observe from that point forward, then you are going to have a really bad time out in the real world. and op didn't go nuclear, going nuclear would have been blowing up at her right away without either asking or giving her the chance to show the messages.

yta simply for "demanding" to go through her phone. i'm not saying that i blame you at all. to me, her ex facetiming her and her reaction is a huge red flag. i would want to see what was going on between them too. however, wanting to go through her phone and demanding to are two very different things. i would try to have a very serious conversation about cheating and what you are and are not comfortable with. i would reiterate that you're not comfortable being left in the dark and that you're not trying to invade her privacy. if she really had nothing to hide and they aren't talking at all, then she should have no problem putting your fears to rest. but, you have no right to demand anything. if she isn't willing to talk it out with you, then i would definitely reconsider how much this relationship means to both of you.

nta. she’s hiding something. your lack of trust in her from that reaction alone is justified. if it was just the call, that would be a different story. but you asked her to show you and she made it a huge deal. if it wasn’t important she would have just showed you. people can be private yes but it’s not like you asked her to show you the entire contents of the phone. i think she’s hiding something, but that’s up to you to decide what to do now. not knowing would kill me.

yta. 1.5 years together - with no stated reasons on why you don't trust her. and yet, you went to the third degree based on a rejected facetime. this isn't about going thru her phone, you clearly don't trust her at all. she answered reasonably to your questions, yet you still asked for her phone. serious question - what would you have done if you looked thru and found nothing? or just texts calls from him? would you have demanded her phone bill next because, well, maybe she's covering her tracks?

esh it's a really crappy situation but if you trusted her you wouldn't have been suspicious. she's got a right to her privacy. her reaction wasn't great though.

esh. these commentors act like no one cheats... or cheating is worse than questioning your partner. literally this crap is what made me stay with all my cheating exes. they used the same manipulation tactics of, you dont trust me? poor me, you're a terrible person. real question, with all the admitted cheaters on this sub, how can you tell if someone is cheating and not wasting years of your life? i followed advise like yours and wasted a decade because i blindly trusted. i mean... i read on post where everyone thought it was ok for people to sleep with the opposite sex. at what point is it ok to question? do you have to find them physically screwing?

BENIGN

i hated my original name. my family has a real old fashioned taste in names. for example, my original name was dorothy and my original middle name was just as old fashioned. i have never liked old fashioned names and so i changed it when i turned 18 to something more my style and a name i had used with friends and outside of my family since i was a little kid. my parents were so upset. my sisters didn't get it either. they have names that are that old fashioned style and they love it and they used those names for their kids. ever since the vintage and old school names started coming back hard they have brought it up to me that they bet i regret my actions now. nope. so when i had my son, my husband and i gave him a name that is not to my family's taste and honestly is not a popular name at all. it's very modern and leans more nature and unisex. but can seem very weird to some also. we're expecting a little girl now and we have chosen another name that fits our style. what happened was my grandma died recently and they wanted my husband and i to honor her by naming our daughter agnes. i said agnes was not a name we were considering but my sisters were free to have more children and use the name. this became a big deal with them saying i should never have shit on names they loved. i said i didn't. but i should be entitled to love my name and not hate it, which i did with the original. and i should get to like my kids names. they told me it was hurtful to have someone always reject the names they love. i pointed out how they did the same with mine. then they told me my son has nothing traditional about his name and that will serve him poorly in the future. i told them to get over themselves and their opinions on names weren't the only ones that mattered. they told me i was being dismissive and now i'm the ah in their eyes again. aita?

aita for telling my parents and sisters to get over themselves when it comes to names?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vuxg5v/aita_for_telling_my_parents_and_sisters_to_get/

2022-07-09 08:47:59

nta. your name, your children, your choice. if your children want to change their names in the future it'll be their choice. your family doesn't have a say in this.

nta. names are important, i get it. but no one wants to be stuck with a name that they hate. so the name change i completely understand. nor should you be forced to name your kids in a way that's suits their tastes. you son has a cool name that you and your husband like. that's all that matters! if your family doesn't like it then that's just too bad, they're gonna have to deal with it. also, don't get me wrong, i love a good old fashioned name too. but naming a baby girl agnes? really? in 2022? might as well call the next one gertrude and you'll have the complete old lady name set 😭

many old-fashioned names are becoming more popular today, as you said, including agnes (a main character on the blacklist named her daughter that, and today i learned agnes is a popular baby name in denmark and sweden). young actresses such as millie bobby brown and florence pugh are making older names cool again. that said, you are nta. there is nothing wrong with disliking old-fashioned names, as long as you aren’t constantly telling your family how awful the names are. there’s also nothing wrong with changing your name, though i do understand your parents’ hurt feelings. my daughter hates her name, and though she hasn’t changed it, it does make me feel bad that the name i loved is something she hates. your parents and siblings should not be pressuring you or berating you over any of this. they are the ahs here. if you feel like entertaining other baby names, agnes means “pure, holy.” there are many modern names that mean the same thing, such as ariana, anya, and arena. best wishes on the upcoming birth of your little one!

nta. your parents are way out of line, especially when it comes to their comments on your children's names. you shouldn't honour the dead at the cost of the living, especially when it comes to something as fundamental as their identity. hold firm.

nta, if they want to have a kid named agnes, one of them can give birth to a kid and name her agnes, while you use a name you and your partner like

nta some people like older names, others don't. they should just accept you have different styles and move on. you are right that you can name your kids to your own preference, same as them! i also think the argument that it would serve him poorly in the future is wrong. more and more kids have unusual or unique names. as long as the names aren't utterly ridiculous or maybe even offensive, i see no problem.

nta and i really wish more people felt it was alright to change their name. it changes from a guess or wish about who we will become into an intrinsic question about who we are and who we dream to be. picking a name is one of my favorite experiences ❤️ it's the most freeing thing i've ever done.

nta, your family are hypocrites, if it really isn’t a big deal why do they care so damn much? you do you op

nta my grandma's name was birdie and one of her sisters was doodle. my mom's name was birdie as well. she hated it so much so she never used it but instead used her middle name. thank god neither of us girls were named birdie. parents do some crazy stuff when it comes to naming their children (sometimes it's a real disservice). your children, your choice!!

nta, you and your husband can name your children whatever you want (unless you live somewhere that has laws around names, and then sorry but you kinda have to follow them). just please take care that your children are not going to be bullied because of the name you give them. i know that kids can pick anything to tease another about, but the less ammunition you give a bully the better. i have friends who didn’t take it into account, named their kids what they wanted while high, and their kids were teased at school, the kids are now using different names that they picked themselves and with therapy they are doing extremely well now.

BENIGN

so as the title suggests, i got a guitar as a gift from my dad. it was a complete surprise and i wasn’t expecting it at all. i was on a call to my friend and, being happy about the guitar i got, i wanted to show her: she always wanted to show off things she got to me so i thought it’d be okay. but when i did she got kinda weird with me and basically eluded that i didn’t deserve it ect. i then find out on that call that her family are going through some financial hardships. i really really didn’t mean to make her feel like shit, and i feel horrible for making her feel worse about her situation. but at the same time, some of the stuff she said to me made me feel so... i don’t know... slimy and it’s getting to the point where i can barely look at the guitar without feeling some kind of guilt for owning it. am i wrong for feeling like this? i really want to be there for her!

aita for showing my friend a guitar i got as a gift

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/injyg6/aita_for_showing_my_friend_a_guitar_i_got_as_a/

2020-09-06 10:40:29

nta. her family’s financial hardships don’t mean that you don’t deserve nice gifts from your family and she’s a shitty friend if she made you feel like it did.

nta. you can’t try to be sensitive to an issue you don’t know exists. if you knew prior that her family was going through some stuff and still showed off your expensive gift, different story.

nta. other people's hardships don't prohibit you from having good things.

absolutely nta-your friend is definitely ta for making you feel guilty about your dad getting you a gift. her family's financial troubles are something you didn't know about, so how could you have known this would hurt her. now you do, so you know how to behave jn future, but you are still nta for just wanting to show a cool gift to your friend just like they have done in the past.

nta. people have stuff that other people don't. sounds like she's being petty and jealous, her shitty financial situation has absolutely nothing to do with you. consider distancing yourself from your friend until they get a better attitude.

nta it sounds like you had no idea honestly. i don't want to call her the asshole either, maybe just a soft one because she may be just tense and upset due to her current situation. that might explain her comments. not excuse them but explain them at least. don't be ashamed for getting gifts. just enjoy your guitar! :)

nta- tell her to get over her self and get a job (if you want to completely fuck your friendship) oooor, you could confront her front on, like "what do you mean i don't deserve it" kind of thing, get it all out in the open as quickly as possible, thoughts fester, and resentment grows if things arnt set straight and rectified quick as possible

nta. you are proud of it! your friend might just be feeling a little sensitive at the moment, but you shouldn't feel guilty.

nta, its not your fault her family had financial problems. she should be able to be happy for you!

is she really your friend? this was a over the top reaction from her. she needs to apologize. even if you have problems it doesn't give you the right to be a jerk. enjoy your guitar don't let her spoil it for you. nta

BENIGN

i invited my friend out for a drink at a cafe i go to often so i felt it was in order that i pay, so when our server came and left the bill, i took my card out ready to give it to the server but she had already left. we shrugged and i left my card on the table, a minute passes by and this is when the stranger appeared. now, lemme give you some context, we were drinking in one of the outside tables on the side walk, and there were very few people at the other tables. in fact, the only other people we saw was this same man eating with someone else. so when he came up asking for my card, i was apprehensive and grabbed my card before he could take it. my friend seemed dubious too so when i said i’d rather give it to the server that catered us, she nobbed. the man then looked a lil offended and said he was the owner, my friend laughed and said that we had seen him eating at the other table so that’s why we were confused. she then looked at me expectingly, urging me to just hand it over. but i didn’t feel comfortable with that; there was no indicator for me to believe he was the owner, he was dressed in normal clothes unlike the waitress who had a uniform. i get that owners usually don’t use a uniform but to me, the man was a stranger with no affiliation to the store in an open street sidewalk asking for my personal card so i insisted that i would rather give it to the server. i didn’t think i was doing anything bad by it. this is why i am doubting myself; the man looked as if i had just spat on him, my friend looked embarrassed and took out her own card to pay, then gave it to the man who huffed a ”do i not look like an owner, eh?” as he left. the waitress later came to give back my friends credit card and reprimanded us with a judgemental “giiirls, he’s the owner, gosh”. we both gave hushed apologies and left embarrassed. i was in no way trying to insult the man, it wasnt anything particular about him that made me doubt him, just the context. i live in a country were theft and crime are very common, so i tend to be overly cautious about my belongings in general. i feel like an asshole because not only did i indirectly make my friend pay and put her in an awkward situation but i also made the man feel insulted. this is a store i am bound to go back to, should i make an effort to apologize?? was i right to deny him my card and insist on giving it to waitress, and should therefore not apologize?? tldr; got coffee with a friend, stranger came to grab my credit card when it was time to pay, told him i’d rather give it to our server, he informed me he was the owner yet i still insisted on giving it to our server, friend felt embarrassed and payed with her card instead, eventho i invited her out.

aita for refusing to give my credit card to a stranger?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jggzdl/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_credit_card_to_a/

2020-10-23 05:30:05

nta, you were protecting your information and had no reason to believe the man was the owner. i’ve never heard of the owner coming over randomly either, so that was a bit odd

nta how on earth were you supposed to know that was the owner? both he and the server were out of line, and you have nothing to apologize for. why would you ever go back there?

nta, protective in a good way, like would the owner do that if he were in your shoes?

nta. you didn't know him personally, you had observed him in the restaurant in a casual way seemingly being another patron. i would not have handed my card over to someone simply because they had claimed they were the owner. if he had of introduced himself earlier or you had seen him acting in the restaurant in a professional manner than i would have said you were being overly cautious.

nta. next time you see him apologize and explain why. the waitress is the ah for treating you like that. you did nothing wrong! you are being smart with your credit card and are not a mind reader!

nta - you legit had no reason to think this guy was the owner besides the word of a stranger. bad customer service on their part.

nta - you can never be too cautious with cards. not all banks will cover you for fraud charges either if he turned out to be some random scammer. also if you do end up apologising to them maybe say something like “i apologise for any offence you may have felt due to my actions however there was no malicious intent. as you can understand i take no risks with any of my personal belongings especially something that could give you full access to my money” however i do not believe an apology is required.

nta- > ”do i not look like an owner, eh? how does a restaurant owner looks like exactly? the waiters have a uniform that you can be used as a reference but the owner can look like any random person in the street

nta. that's a weird situation. i can't blame you for being cautious.

nta first: "look like an owner?" *someone* has a super fragile ego. super rich people like bill gates, zuckerberg or jerry seinfeld dress casual, are they less rich for that? and even if he was dressed in gold and diamonds, it still means nothing since he has no id and you don't know him. and second of all, why are you giving you cc to anyone? bring the card-thing to me or i will go to the register and pay, but its not living my hand, or at least my sight.

BENIGN

i know the title sounds really childish but please, hear me out; my mum has recently been pushing for me to lose weight and watch my diet. i’ve (19f) gained around 25kg (58kg -> 84kg) in the last 1-2 years but it’s due to a myriad of reasons that doesn’t really involve me being lazy: ​ * i’ve been diagnosed with pcos + insulin resistance and my hormones from what i’ve been told by my doctor are not looking so good rn * i’ve stopped playing basketball competitively, i used to play for my state but because of injuries i’ve had to stop * i’m studying full-time and in my last year of uni + i’m working full-time with a mixture of 8-12 hour shifts across four hospitals culminating in (60-ish hour work weeks) * i’ve been on birth control for the past six months disclaimer: i’d just like to say that i’m not trying to excuse myself, i’m still doing my best to work out when i can and am trying to limit how much i snack and go for maccas runs after work. herein is where my problem starts, my mum has been insisting on packing my food before i go to work/uni everyday but the portion sizes she’s been packing have been much too small. i understand what her thought process is and i can also see how she’s trying to shift the ratio of how much fruit and veg i eat as well as my carb intake but it’s just not working. i’ve had co-workers, friends and my boyfriend alike voice their dismay and disbelief about thee amounts that i eat when i’m on break. i can’t pack extra food from home because my mum goes through my bag, my room and my trash bin every time i leave for work. i’ve taken to buying from hospital cafeterias and servos (not junk food, most of it is just sandwiches or actual meals) because i’ve been so hungry. i’ve been feeling dizzy on shifts and that especially worries me because i’m working in high acuity wards with a really young patient base. i’ve asked my mum to increase my portion sizes and have also explained weight loss doesn’t happen how she thinks it does but she’s been refusing, she really does think it’s a matter of me just eating what she puts in front of me. i can’t eat dinner in peace at home because she’ll sit across from me at the dining table and shake her head and tell me how concerned she is and that i need to be serious about this issue. i can’t even buy clothes in peace because she’ll say i’m too fat to look good in what i’m wearing or she’ll buy me clothes herself but they’ll all be in the size i was prior to my weight gain and blame me for not fitting in them. i think i might also have some terrible body dysmorphia because even when i was skinny and i had abs and all of that going for me i was still constantly being told i needed to lose more weight. so reddit, aita for not eating just what my mum has packed for me?

aita for not eating just the food my mum has packed for me?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ngyglm/aita_for_not_eating_just_the_food_my_mum_has/

2021-05-20 12:06:44

nta and you need to get out of that house!

nta your mom is on a surefire path to assist you in developing a really bad poor relationship with food. could you tell her that you don’t want her to pack your bag or say anything about food to you anymore? i have a parent who is the same way and will get bent out of shape if what i’m eating doesn’t fit their version of healthy, so i certainly understand how you’re feeling. if she gives you some bs excuse, then maybe you should tell her that you’re getting dizzy spells because of how she’s feeding you and that you could pass out at work. i hope you can resolve this issue asap! also eat your food away from her if you can

nta is there any way you can get out? this is a concerning amount of control and invasion of privacy. you are an adult. you have a job and are going to school. you sound competent and like youre doing well. those are rhe things she should be focusing on, not a few extra pounds. id sit her down and have a serious conversation about this. explain that you need more calories in to focus on your job. i have similar issues you do (insulin resistance and thyroid issues plus birthcontrol) and also gained weight. sometimes you cant help or control it. quality of life is more important than being thin. do you buy your own food for lunches and snacks? could you leave them in your car/locker at work?

nta you are a grown adult she needs to mind her own business. tell her your not her hobbie so back off. that you have medical issues your working with a professional and starving yourself won't work.

nta as many other comments have said your mom is obsessed about this and is being controlling and abusive. i emphatically disagree with everyone saying that "you just need to tell her to stop" or that "it's on you to put and end to this because you're an adult". how great would it be if you could just an abusive person to stop!? weird that someone who is *searching through your car to make sure you don't have access to food (!!)* might not be receptive to a sit down conversation /s. i don't think you should feel like you need to waste any more time talking to her about this. she is not well. you have found a temporary situation that works, good for you! you are getting yourself enough food and meeting with a professional to help offset your mom's incredibly dangerous attitudes towards food and body image. since your school/work has you always moving around, is there a place you can rent a locker to store your vital documents? a friend who you can fill in on what's happening and who can help you store your passport etc and perhaps bring you some food? at this point any energy you have after taking care of yourself i would put into making your plan to get out of her house. it's understandable if that might not be able to happen for a while. continue taking care of yourself by getting yourself enough to eat until you can. you are not wrong. you need to eat enough to not feel weak and faint. your mom's reaction to you is because of her own messed up ideas not because you are in any way a disappointing daughter/person. don't take what she says to heart. i'm so sorry you are in this situation.

nta. moving away from your controlling and abusive relationship with your mom is the obvious answer. her buying clothes she knows are too small just to shame you? crazy abusive. if that's not possible, could you see a nutritionist? it's harder for mom to argue with medical advice on food portions, schedules, and ingredients.

nta that's honestly pretty abusive behaviour from your mum, and super dangerous. if you can't get through to her that her obsession with your weight is causing you distress and your lack of energy at work could potentially kill someone, then i would strongly recommend moving out of her house and going low contact/no contact.

nta, and if you can get out of there. if you're feeling dizzy and not eating enough it's going to do so much more harm than good. it sounds like your mother is completely obsessed with this idea of what you're weight should be, and that's not healthy for her or you. she's in a position where she can literally get away with starving you because she wants you to look a certain way. she's actively voicing her displeasure of how you look, not because she's concerned for your health, but because she's got this image in her head about what you should look like. that's not okay, and her constantly beating you down is horrid. look at everything you've said: you're not playing competitive sports at the moment, you have health problems and you're studying/working full time. you need to eat properly. you're correct in that cutting back on macca's is the right move, especially for your health issues, but you need more food. your health problems are going to get worse if your mother keeps starving you. if you can, get out, stay with friends for a while, talk to a dietician or gp about what a good meal plan for you should be. but do not let her keep starving you and verbally beating you down.

no, you are not the asshole for not starving due to your abusive parent.

nta pcos isn't just a reproductive condition, it is a very complex metabolic condition. just starving you won't help you loose weight, and won't address the underlying problems. birth control pills do help with pcos, but there are other medications that help as well. (i had good luck with metformin and spironolactone, both are available as fairly inexpensive generics.) in addition to a gynecologist, you want to see an endocrinologist to address the metabolic issues. diet can help somewhat, but not necessarily a very low calorie diet to lose weight. rather, a diet that is lower in simple carbohydrates (but not extreme low-carb) and focuses on vegetables, fruits, lean protein and whole grain, and in particular making sure to get some protein with every serving of carbohydrate. mostly your basic "eat healthy" concept, not a diet intended for weight loss by strictly restricting calories. not only is your mother not being helpful, she's being actively harmful in trying to "treat" your condition in this way. when gaining weight is a symptom, not a cause, of a medical condition, just starving someone to loose weight won't help at all.

BENIGN

okay for some background, i’m a 19 year old dude and my sister’s 27. her and my mom haven’t been in contact for a long time because of a lot of issues that took place my sister’s childhood. the result of all of that was my sister moving away when she was 17 and then the rest of my childhood was spent as if i were an only child. even as i got older, i would try to see her, but if she wanted to pick me up, my mom always had something to say because she just “doesn’t trust her.” these comments would often spark up a conflict and eventually lead me not being able to see my sister. this made having a relationship with her very hard. it wasn’t until i turned 18 that i was able to really do what i want. so ever since then, we’ve been building a great relationship. also, for reasons that are irrelevant to the story, i was kicked out of my house 2 days before last halloween. so already my relationship with both of them is kinda strained. fast forward to a couple weeks ago, i decide that i’m going down to my sister’s city to visit her and my brother. she books my flight ticket and it really put me in a good mood. she also tells me that she doesn’t want my parents knowing where she lives or any of her personal information. but i ended up mentioning to my parents that i’m going my sisters city. a couple days later, my mom calls me and says that she just “needs to know her address.” immediately i already knew there was about to be a problem. i tell my mom that i was told not to give anything personal like that to her and she starting getting mad. she explained that as my mom she needed to know her address in the case that something happened to me. this is fair logic and i understood where’s she’s coming from. however, this isn’t my information to give. even after explaining that she was confused how i thought “privacy is more important safety.” my mom started suggesting that i tell her anyway and just keep it a secret. i wasn’t doing that either, so she started crying. i didn’t feeling sympathetic because it felt manipulative to me. she ended up yelling about how i don’t understand and how “nobody’s doing this right.” i’ve been upset with her about this, but she swears that everyone she talked to about that says that she’s within her right to wanna know the address. so reddit , help me out pls. aita?

aita for not giving my mom my sister’s address?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lsetta/aita_for_not_giving_my_mom_my_sisters_address/

2021-02-25 19:35:17

nta. she's trying to manipulate you into sharing something that isn't yours to share. also, you're 19 and an adult. she doesn't have the "right" to know where you're staying either. >she swears that everyone she talked to about that says that she’s within her right to wanna know the address who cares what her imaginary friends think

nta in your mom's eyes, your sister is winning - she's living happily without mom in her life, and mom can't have that. she dislikes this loss of power and probably takes it personally that your sister is sitting miserably in a corner and crying for mommy's forgiveness. so, she tries to weasel her way back into sister's life, to show her "ha, i have the final say in this, if i want to be in your life i'll be, no matter what you want. you don't have power over your own life!" at the same time, she'll ruin or at least severely damage the relationship between you and your sister, taking that relationship away from both of you. more power over both of your lives. it's highly manipulative. your sister cares about you, enough to invite you into her life, so much so that she takes the risk of having to deal with your mother again if you spill the beans. trust me, she's aware of that risk and that you're young and still a little naive towards your mother's manipulation strategies or of how much assholeishness she's capable of, by choice! and i'm certain she will cut you off or at least limit contact with you if you smuggle your mother back into her life. but right now, she hopes you'll do the right thing and believes that you're strong enough to withstand the begging, cursing, and crocodile tears ("nobody's doing this right." is probably the truest thing that left her mouth as far as your sister is concerned. in her mind, the right way would be - she demands, you fold and beg mom for forgiveness and tell her all she wants. that doesn't work, okay, then the begging. then the tears. that you haven't given in is against the script she has in her head for all of you. don't fall for the begging and tears. few kids flee from their homes at 17 and cut their parents out over non-issues. i'm sure once you're a little older and not under your mother's influence anymore, you'll hear the full story from your sister. you have family who want you and welcomed you with open arms when they didn't have to. who think you're worth the risk of potentially upsetting their lives because they believe you're strong enough to make the right choice and stick to it. prove them right and have a good time with your sister.

nta it's your sister private information and she told you not to give it to your mother. your mother is not entitled to know where you since you are an adult and she obviously doesn't have a great relationship with you and your sister.

nta. you and your sister are both adults. you can choose who you give your address to. your mom forced her out of the house and then kicked you out. the only one "not doing it right" is her.

nta. you made a promise to your sister, stick to it or you'll lose all contact with her. the safety issue is just an excuse. knowing your sister's address has nothing to do with "in case something happened" to you. everyone involved is an adult, and your sister can initiate the contact with your mom is something really bad did happen, or you would if it wasn't that serious.

nta - but you will be if you relent. this is absolute manipulation.

nta don't give out the address/info. don't leave it on any devices that your mom could access. she sounds abusive and manipulative.

nta - even if her feelings for safety were real and genuine, it's not your information to give

nta, your sister asked to you not to give your parents her address. it seems like she has good reasons not too. your mum does sound like she was trying to manipulate you for the information, so keep on your guard.

nta- it isn’t your information to give. also did your parents kick you out kick you out? or like kick you out then bring you back. cuz if they kicked you out for good then they don’t deserve to know either

BENIGN

my step-daughter jenny (7) is on the severe autism spectrum. for the sake of my situation and to provide a bit of context, my husband and i met when jenny was 3. however when i was 26 and officially married is when when i first took over jenny's care and since jenny required full time supervision my husband requested that i quit my job and  be a sahm mother while he manages the main expenses in our household. while i love taking care of jenny, from the start it has been arduous in managing her emotions and helping her regulate it. she is extremely prone to self injury which led to at least two instances of broken limbs in the past. i am also extremely paranoid of leaving her alone even for a quick toilet break and it has also difficult to singlehandedly bring her out for her therapy sessions. besides, she is extremely sensitive to strangers and loud environments and so it is also hard to perform chores like a quick run to the supermarket without an outburst. recently due to her irritability issues she is on an extra dosage of risperadone and is very reluctant on taking her medication. jenny is also "non-verbal" and can only articulate some phrases like feeling hungry or wanting to use the toilet so it has been difficult to gauge what exactly she wants at other times which makes me feel really helpless. this has been adding a great deal of pressure and anxiety on me and i suggested to my husband that we  have a caretaker for her especially since it has only been 2 ish years and i am still learning as i go.although we are comfortable enough to afford it my husband said it was unnecessary to hire a caretaker and that it would add on to our expenses. he also mentioned that they might not look after jenny like i do which i do not think is true especially since i have been researching and found some accredited  nannies who have experience looking after special needs children. i  have some savings from my previous job which can sustain a caretaker for some months and i also am planning to take a part time job to pay  for the incurred expenses.  i have been openly communicating with my husband about my struggles but he is adamant that i myself be in charge of jenny's caregiving. i also have been regularly reading up and participating in online autism support seminars  to get a better idea on how to properly care for her so this caretaker arrangement is only temporary till i am well-equipped enough to manage and understand her needs. i have never been a mom so parenting is still very new to me even more so parenting a special needs child. p.s jenny's bio mom does not have custody and she is not involved in jenny's life.

wibta if i hired a co-caretaker for my autistic step-daughter without husband's approval?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rm0kzw/wibta_if_i_hired_a_cocaretaker_for_my_autistic/

2021-12-22 08:15:43

nta but know, this might be the hill your husband chooses to die on. i hope i'm reading this wrong, but it looks like he married you to take care of his daughter and once you renege on your bargain, he may bail. what he's expecting you to do, well, it says something about you that you have been able to be sole caregiver to a special needs child for 3 years. but eventually you are going to completely burn out, he needs to understand this. if jenny is as high needs as you've described, she may be eligible for in home help. there are ways of helping children in that situation that could possibly help her develop more skills. good luck, i hope this works out for everyone's best.

nta and don't use your savings for a caretaker. you should have access to joint savings funds, considering you are a sahm, take the money from there. if you don't have access to family funds and were made to became dependant on him, that sounds like he is beginning finantial abuse caretaker burn out is very real, and caring for someone 24/7 without daily breaks of at least a few minutes but preferably an hour or more means you will not be refreshed not being able to offer your best care to jenny, plus your mental and physical health will suffer. having someone over for 4-8 hours a day will be enough to give you time to decompress and even to do chores better, as you can actually pay attention to what you are doing instead of having split attention to be aware at all times of what jenny is doing. if he doesn't want to hire someone, the other compromise would be he coming home at 4-5 after work and taking over all jenny care and part of the household chores for at least 4 hours, to give you a bit of time off. he has breaks at work, and he sounds like after he comes home from work he goes to rest because he's tired from the day. if he was able to raise his daughter before he met you, then he's just slacking under the excuse of "oh, but you do it sooo well". and if he wasn't able, then he should learn, just like you learned. nta and save your money well, you might need it someday to break free

you are nta. your husband should be working with you to find the best care situation for jenny, not just dumping all of it on you. even a part-time helper would allow you to go to the grocery store, your own doctor’s appointments, get your hair cut, run other errands, etc. caregiver burnout is a real thing. i would be very interested to see how your husband did if you went away for the weekend and all of jenny’s care fell to him…including cleaning house, making the meals, and going grocery shopping.

i'm sorry for you and jenny. you're right and your husband is wrong. good luck. nta.

ywnbta-i really hope your husband didn't just marry you to get a free carer for his daughter, because that's what it's coming across as. taking care of someone 24/7 is taxing and all comsuming. what about your life, your dreams, your friends & family? the older your stepdaughter gets, the more help she will need, physically it will get more difficult for you and emotionally and mentally as well. you need help and you need it now. do not let your husband guilt you for finding and hiring help. this is his daughter, her wellbeing should come first. and having you who is exhausted and burnt out as her carer isn't what's doing best for his daughter. tbf i would probably consider this whole relationship, does he see you as a wife or just a nurse? do you want kids together in future? how will you take care of both ir more kids???

nta. you have repeatedly communicated to your husband that being 100% responsible for jenny's care is overwhelming and you need support and assistance, but he has dismissed missed your concerns and feelings every time. you can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself. do what you need to do to get yourself in a better position to give jenny what she needs. if your husband is so against outside support, then he can stay home and take over jenny's care.

nta, at all. caretaker burnout is real and will eventually negatively impact jenny not to mention what it does even sooner to your well being. talk to jenny’s doctors and ask for their help in speaking to your husband. hopefully he’ll see reason, but either way, be firm on your limits. please also consider a counselor for yourself, just to have a safe space to vent. and don’t spend your savings on this - the household should support the household.

nta i guess, but i don't know how you expect this to go. will he not know you hired a caretaker? do you expect him to be chill with it when he does find out? ​ your husband is definitely ta here but i don't think going behind is back is a solution that's likely to work out. this is the kind of conflict that two people in a good relationship ought to be able to work out together. maybe try couple's counseling, so a mediator can help you work this out? note that couple's counseling would be ill-advised in case of abuse - maybe do a loveisrespect.org quiz before just to see if there are more red flags than this one? i mean, : > although we are comfortable enough to afford it my husband said it was unnecessary to hire a caretaker and that it would add on to our expenses. you're the current caretaker and you say it's necessary, so it's necessary. that doesn't sound like a guy who respects you or your expertise. at best we can figure this is some "first-pass" impulsive behavior that's not great but is only surface-level, and that he does have deep respect for you and he just needs to examine what that reflex was and why he had it to do better. i.e. that he's "just clueless". i sure hope it's that because the worse interpretations are, well, worse.

the fact that you say you were already in love and jenny was a “surprise” at the end isn’t really a defense of your husband’s motives - more the opposite. he may love you, but it also sounds like he was 100% planning on using you as a full-time caretaker for his child….. and he has. it’s amazing that you’re being such a terrific caretaker for jenny and have so much love for her, but you need to be able to have your own life. it’s ludicrous for him to dictate what you (and jenny for that matter) do or don’t need. i’d love to see him do for 24 hours what you’ve been doing for two full years. nta, but the dynamics of this relationship are genuinely concerning and i hope you sort it out!

nta. here’s an idea. you get a job and pay the bills; your husband can be his daughter’s ft caregiver with no break and no help.

BENIGN

my mom died 3 months ago. a month after my mom died, my dad started dating someone new, and i'm expected to be ok with it. this new woman also lost her husband a few months ago. i ended up uninviting my dad from thanksgiving dinner after he told me about this new woman because i was so angry, which led to him and my grandparents (dad's parents) hating me. when i uninvited him, i told him that he was disgusting and it was disrespectful to my mom, and that he could spend thanksgiving dinner alone thinking about how his dead wife would feel knowing he found someone new a month after her death. he ended up spending thanksgiving with his new girlfriend. meanwhile, his daughter (me) is still a complete mess after the death, and i realized he seemed to be doing just fine since he's able to say, "i love you" to this new woman and talk about moving in with her at some point soon. i just couldn't stand the thought of looking at him during dinner knowing that he had a new girlfriend. he kept telling me, "it just happened", "give her a chance", "it's my life and i can do what i want", etc. my dad was always verbally abusive towards me and my mom, so i've literally spent my whole life walking on eggshells not to upset my dad. my mom always used to protect me from him and keep him in line, since he always called me the worst daughter in the world. we didn't talk for the month between thanksgiving and a few days before christmas. obviously i needed time to cool down. i called him and texted him a few times during that month, but he ignored all of my attempts at contact. in that month, i learned that people have a lot of opinions about this subject. some people say it's way too soon and agree with me and others say that what i did was awful and to just let my dad be happy. i decided to be the better person and invite him to christmas eve dinner, and then he drops it on me that the only way he'll go is if i invite his new girlfriend. i wanted us to all be together since it's the first christmas without my mom, so i reluctantly agreed. i just sucked it up and pretended to be nice to this woman while my dad kept comparing her to my mom, and then saying he wasn't comparing them when i pointed out that he was. now that the holiday's over, i kind of feel like a jerk, but at the same time, he's always been awful to me. i want to cut contact with him, but at the same time, i told my mom before she passed that i'd try to get along with my dad, but it's so much effort. aita? ​ ​

aita for calling my dad disgusting after he found a new girlfriend a month after my mom's death?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/a9uqah/aita_for_calling_my_dad_disgusting_after_he_found/

2018-12-27 01:53:46

nta for being upset, yta for telling him he's disrespecting your mom. it is extremely hard to go from being someone in a marriage to alone. it's scary, and lonely. he should not force his relationship on you, but he has to be allowed to move on.

nta. keeping in mind that everyone mourns differently, i still think it is unacceptable of your dad to expect you to accept his new girlfriend so soon after you lost your mother. if this is how he wants to deal with the loss of his wife there's really nothing you can do about it but that doesn't mean you have to like it. she was your mother. you both lost someone close to you and you both have the right to mourn and heal in your own ways. i understand that you promised your mom that you would try to get along with your dad after she passed but that doesn't mean that you have to tolerate behavior that you find to be disrespectful to your mother. because you both are taking such different approaches to your loss, it would probably be the best idea to take a break from your dad for a while. give him time to sort out whatever is going on in his head and allow yourself to mourn in your own way without him trying to shove his solution down your throat. i'm very sorry for your loss and i hope you're able to find someone to help support you through this difficult time. \*hugs\*

nta. parents shouldn’t be forcing their so on to their grieving children, especially not 1 month after

dude, my mum got a boyfriend a year after my dad died, and i was pissed. granted, i was 12, but you are definitely nta.

nta >my dad was always verbally abusive towards me and my mom, so i've literally spent my whole life walking on eggshells not to upset my dad. my mom always used to protect me from him and keep him in line, since he always called me the worst daughter in the world. your dad is a giant asshole anyway, and a fucking month before moving on is pretty horrifying imo. but again - giant asshole.

nah. he is grieving in his own way, also consider your mom was his wife before she was your mom. take the abusive part out of it because it's irrelevant to this particular story. he's an asshole for being abusive but there is no correlation here. you're not an asshole for not accepting his new girlfriend because you are grieving in your own way. maybe a better choice of language while explaining your feelings could help, but really, you lost your mom and people say things. no big deal.

nta. but i will say that if your mother was terminally ill and it wasn’t a sudden loss, there could have been an anticipatory grieving period for your father. basically, he could have mourned her before she ever even passed. still, one month is a ridiculously short time to wait imo. you’re definitely nta.

nta, your dad shouldn't be trying to force his gf on you when you're not okay with it. everyone grieves differently, so if he's ready to move on, that's up to him. but he shouldn't be trying to force you to accept her. i'm so very sorry for your loss. and i'm sorry that your dad isn't trying to be as respectful of your feelings as you're trying to be of his.

yta. it is his life, and although you are grieving and it’s painful, he is too and this is his way of managing his grief. him being verbally abusive to you is a different issue, and is unrelated to this issue. it seems you subconsciously added that into the mix to sort of justify yourself. there’s no need to; this sub is for honest perspective. in this situation, you are overreacting and reacting irrationally. i know you’re suffering, but expecting him to suffer in the same way as you does not achieve anything. you don’t need to have a relationship with her, and you can make that boundary with your dad. he will likely be relieved because his behavior sounds like he’s desperate for you approval of her, likely in reaction to your crushing disapproval. just boundary up, and let him do what he needs to do.

nta you have all the right in the world to feel however you feel. if my father was verbally abusive toward me and my dying mother i would have trouble ever forgiving him. and definitely wouldn’t be accepting of his new woman being sprung upon me even if it was a year after my mother’s passing. i would say try not to hold any of that anger against the new woman though because she could be a wonderful person, but as far as your feelings towards your dad... you might need to wait a while before you’re able to forgive him and that’s if he even apologizes for his mistreatments. best of luck to you i hope everything works out in the end

BENIGN

my friend jason (white and doesn't know japanese) just got a new tattoo. he's been looking forward to his first ever ink for a while, and did a lot of research on the price, style, and local artists. he kept the design a surprise from everyone because he didn't want any negative input before he got it on his body, permanently. i mean, maybe that was a huge misstep? just saying. fast-forward to a few days ago, he went in for the session and told me that i'd love it (i'm asian and fluent in japanese). i thought maybe he was going to get a tattoo of a manga character or something. he sent me a picture of his tattoo when he was done and captioned it with the question: "無料 do you know what it means?" i honestly thought it was a joke at first and replied "haha you got me, that's a good one!" he called me right away and asked me in a panicked voice what i had meant. i told him the characters meant free, as in a free food sample. he started to cry on the phone and said it's already been a fucking hard year and i just made it even worse for him. he thought it meant freedom. he hung up the phone and hasn't answered my texts or phone calls since. well freedom 自由 isn't even remotely close to what he got. and what's up with these stupid tattoos anyway? just why? can someone explain to me please? thank you. so aita in this situation?

aita for laughing and pointing out the true meaning of my friend's asian character tattoo? he is very upset.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kksetf/aita_for_laughing_and_pointing_out_the_true/

2020-12-26 23:27:39

nta. it's the number one rule of getting a language you don't speak tattooed on your body that you get a native speaker to check it. it's his own fault for not researching it properly.

nah. he asked and you answered. of course he’s upset, but that’s not your fault. he can fix it. he can get one right next to it with the japanese character for “dumb.” then it will say freedom and he will be all set!

nta >did a lot of research that he did not

nta. if you ask google translate freedom from english to japanese it gives you 自由. i mean, i wouldn't trust google translate before getting something on my body permanently but still, i'd check if whatever i was told matched on there at the very least! especially as he supposedly did a lot of research before getting it.

nah. you weren't malicious in assuming it was a joke. i can understand why he'd be upset at making that mistake after a shitty year. i'd text him and apologize for laughing, say that you're sorry he's had such a bad year. not your fault he accidentally got a bad tattoo. and honestly, it's better that he heard it from you than from a stranger at a really bad time.

nta. don’t get a tattoo in a foreign language if you don’t want a native speaker to tell you what it actually means.especially if one of your friends speaks that language and is capable of negating the issue! play stupid games win stupid prizes.

nta. sorry, jason, but either own your free ass or use a dictionary next time.

nah your friend is right... it's not his year. he should however have made use of the access to someone fluent in japanese. i think he xan remedy it with a coverup...after he calms down again. don't push him, he tried something and made a mistake, it happens

nta. how hard is it to enter "freedom" into google translate? or sonenother translation program. maybe follow it up with a couple of anonymous posts on i dont know maybe reddit? he didnt think it through not your fault. he can always get it removed or done over at some point. dont have any tattoos myself but i honestly came close to getting a purposeful bad asian character one once as a joke. i literally was going to get something like "#3 pork fried rice" just so i can pretend to be shocked and dismayed every time it got called out on it. buddy of mine at the time was 1/2 korean and looked it. he was going to get a matching bad celtic one as well. then we sobered up.

important linguistics lesson: just because two meanings (in this cast “costing no money” and “being unconstrained”) are expressed by the same word in one language does not mean they are both expressed by the same word in another language. he’s lucky there isn’t a well-known (to fluent speakers) but nsfw meaning to the word. nta. i laughed when i saw those kanji, too.

BENIGN

so me and my boyfriend went on a trip with his family, and had an extra 2 days to ourselves. we decided to have a little lunch date since the virus had caused most places to shut down completely. we go to a nice restaurant and had a pretty seemingly nice waitress. we ordered our food, and were pretty checked up on, at least my boyfriend was. i first thought the waitress just was being in a little bit of a haste but messed my order up a bit and got my boyfriends order perfect. refilled his drinks, but left mine. i was absolutely fine with everything because i don’t care too much about having things done right there and then. after we had finished everything the waitress tells my boyfriend that she can ring him up as his cashier. she takes his card and etc, and comes back with the receipt folding along with his card. he opens the receipt up to find a heart on it. i get a little bit annoyed because he seemed like she was interested in him the whole time. i tell him to just leave the tip line blank and let’s just leave already. that it seemed unprofessional to do such a strange unnecessary gesture. aita for leaving no tip? tldr: waitress leaves a heart on a receipt and hands it to my boyfriend so i leave no tip.

aita, not tipping a flirty waitress

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hrcl4p/aita_not_tipping_a_flirty_waitress/

2020-07-14 23:31:19

nta, she was basically just waiting on him. i work in service and i would never exclude a member of the party to flirt with the other. if she would’ve flirted and given you good service my judgement would probably be different.

nta she was clearly flirting and it wasn’t good service

nta i'm not sure where the y-t-a's are all coming from. i was a server for years. if i had basically ignored one of two people at a table, i wouldn't expect a tip, no matter how nice/flirty/attentive i'd been to the other person. you have to be, at the very *least,* attentive to all people at a table if you expect any tip. period.

nta. i understand they make their money mainly from tips but tips are only to be given as for their work. if they did an excellent job they’ll get a tip (either cash or cashapp because i’ve seen stories where if you tip from the card they sometimes don’t get that tip), if the service they provided wasn’t good they get nothing. server gave terrible service so you responded appropriately.

nta but put a zero with a dash through so they don’t fill in a tip. it happens often.

nta, i don’t think you need to give a tip for blatantly bad service, and as a waiter i never expected a tip if i messed something up.

nta.

nta. i’ve waited on tables when i was younger. i was super friendly to everyone at a table to get better tips. everyone. never have i put a heart on a receipt. smiley face yes.

nta only because of the bad service. if your service had been good, i would have said e s h. but then again, i'm not a server. however, i do believe that service is what earns the tip. if you're not filling up people's drinks, or completely ignoring someone at the table, then you don't deserve a tip. you should at least ask if they need anything. as to the flirting, if it wasn't super obvious at the table, i wouldn't be too offended by that. it happens. next time, i would suggest standing up for yourself. if you don't feel comfortable doing that, then maybe say something like "my boyfriend was wondering what you would recommend for...." then she'll know you guys are together.

nta - getting a tip is based on giving food customer service. if she didn't do that, she doesn't deserve a tip. if the only reason you didn't tip was because she flirted with your bf, then yta.

BENIGN

me and my girlfriend (both 24 f) recently got a new roommate less than about 7 months ago. he (28m) was seemingly fine at first, kept to himself and respectful. only came out to go to work or do a chore. paid rent and bills on time. good stuff ya know. he was a mutual friend of my girlfriends friend group who needed a place to stay so we agreed to let him move into our spare bedroom/previous home office. then around 2 months ago he started coming around us more and more. no big deal, he wasn't the worst. i noticed he started coming out of his room when he would smell me making food. my gf works from home so shes always with me when i cook. when i am about finished with said meal i am cooking, without fail every time i hear his door open and he pops his head out asking "what are you making?" and i of course would answer like a normal person. at first my gf being the kind girl she is would always offer if he wants some. (without asking me. dont worry she no longer does this after we discussed it) i of course dont wanna be an asshole so i give him some after he excitedly says yes. he would make himself a plate, sit down eat and leave all his dishes and trash on the table, and would never offer to help clean the kitchen. he would simply go back to playing fortnite. after about a month of this happening nightly i decided to tell my gf she should stop offering because i am a full time grad student and we are living off one income, we don't have the money to feed an entire whole man who has money and a job himself. she agreed and we stopped offering. so he took it upon himself to just start making himself a plate after no one would offer. this shocked both me and my gf. we didn't know what to say so we let it happen. this continued to happen for a week or two before i put my foot down and said "i'm not feeding you anymore (roommate), you have a fridge full of frozen hot pockets and pizza you havent touched in months. please eat that." he looked hurt and offended and he went to his room. since then he has acted like a complete child around the house. leaving food wrappers everywhere, telling me and my gf we cant have his food. (we don't want it anyway since we are strictly against the kind of food he eats). aita for telling this adult man he cant have the food that i pay for and make for me and my gf? my gf said i was a little harsh with my words and some of my friends also said i should just help him out because hes used to other people making food for him and its a hard transition. (he lived with his mother up until this point of time)

aita for telling my roommate he can't eat the food i make?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/szx43n/aita_for_telling_my_roommate_he_cant_eat_the_food/

2022-02-24 00:47:56

nta. he needs to stop acting like a child and take care of his own needs.

nta but you are all adults. not sure why you couldn't just have a conversation and explain what you did here in the very beginning.

nta, but you three need to sit down and have a discussion. explain you felt taken advantage of because he was eating food you paid for with barely any thanks and was leaving his mess behind. offer a compromise, if it will work for you: he could contribute to the weekly food budget and do the dishes after dinner, and you could cook for him when you are cooking for yourself and your girlfriend.

nta roommate is past his sell-by date.

nta he’s using y’all to replace his mother.

nta you cook he cleans... at least that is the way i have always understood it and he should be paying for every 3rd meal too.

time for him to move out. you guys let this go on too long. nta

nta. time for a come to jesus meeting with him. explain that while he is occasionally welcome to share if you have extra or planned for, he should share/buy a meal for everyone else as well. that's how adults behave. also stop with the pettiness and clean up after himself. otherwise he can find a new place.

nta he needs to learn how to cook.

nta, if he wants you to feed him he needs to clean up and pay part of your groceries. otherwise he can microwave his hot pockets and shut up.

TOXIC

i (16f) have gotten pretty good at shopping in the clearance rack and looking for sales and getting really cute outfits for cheap. the problem with this is if you lose something. it’s really hard/impossible to replace it. last month i went shopping and saw these really pretty gold plated sterling silver olive branch earrings for $9. i bought them and put them in my purse then forgot about them for a month. yesterday i went to target and when i was about to pay i found my earrings. i put them on when i got home and my little sister (13) saw them. she asked where i got them and i said i got them on clearance last month so i don’t think the store will still have them. she said ok and asked if i’d be willing to share with her. now, here’s the thing. she’s horrible about giving stuff back. on saturday i went to her room while she was out just to take back my detangler, my favorite eyeshadow palette, and my colored pencils because she kept forgetting to give them back. i said maybe but i just put them in so i don’t wanna share right now. she’s been crying that i never share with her and i’m so mean to her and never do anything for her since then so i wanted to see if i was the asshole

aita for not sharing my earrings with my sister

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m5qhqv/aita_for_not_sharing_my_earrings_with_my_sister/

2021-03-15 17:52:10

nta. you know what drives me insane? when someone plaintively wails "you never share with me...you never do anything for me" and so on. you may have done 500 acts of kindness to someone, yet the 1st time you say 'no', you are hit with the barrage of "you never....". nta. i know reply when hearing this 'well, if i never do (whatever), then you should not be that disappointed that i said 'no''.

i don't share anything that goes into a hole in my body. earrings, toothbrushes, er etc... nta. but if she's so upset and you're ok sharing other things help her learn the importance of her behaviour and how improving it will be beneficial to her.

nta. i have four boys. i keep all the shared stuff like toys/electronics out for everyone. but i got my oldest boys (8 and 12) their own trunks to store their personal items they don’t want broken or messed with. i don’t believe that “what belongs to one belongs to all” and siblings shouldn’t have to share everything.

nta. you’re entitled to your own things. she has to learn boundaries at that age.

nta "you're right, i don't want to share with you, because your idea of sharing is you taking and never returning. until you stop 'forgetting' to return things, i will not share anything important to me with you, when you're ready, i'll be happy to. until then, practice remembering."

nta - you let her use stuff and she isn't responsible with it. why should you keep letting her use stuff?

nta. implement a 1-at-a-time rule. take a picture/make a contract of whatever she borrows. if she borrows something and doesn't give it back, she gets nothing else until she returns it or compensates you. and stop sharing makeup and/or earrings! it's unhygienic and can not only lead to infections, but worsen things like acne. (also, as an older sibling, i would have burst out laughing in your sister's face about her whining. typical teenage dramatics.)

nta - that’s one of those things i think shouldn’t be shared. you don’t buy second hand earrings so why share them.

nta she sounds like my 9yr old daughter. as you just had to go to her room to retrieve *your* stuff obviously you share with

nta. your sister doesn't want you to share, she wants your stuff and cries if you don't cave immediately. this is manipulative. hide the stuff you don't want her to use or wear. get a lock box for jewelry and makeup so she can't just take them. also sharing an eyeshadow palette and pencils is not sanitary. they are for personal use only.

BENIGN

i (23f) am tall, 6'5 and have an ok weight. i'm not very muscular, but i go to the gym 3x a week to stay in shape. my bil, kenny, is 5'3. he does crossfit and calisthenics and has a muscular body. yesterday was his birthday and i was invited by my sister to go to the party that would be at their house. kenny, after a few drinks, started a stupid arm wrestling contest. he won them all, some with difficulty and others easily. and one of his friends challenged him to call me for it and, after so much pissing off from a bunch of drunk men, i accepted. no kidding, my hand almost covered his hand and it almost didn't happen, they had to make some adjustments. it wasn't that hard to keep me steady, and i put in an unextraordinary force while he was about to burst a vein of strength. i wasn't trying hard to win, just keeping up. i'll have to confess that it was a little funny and i was having fun after all. after 1 minute (at most), he stopped with the excuse that he was tired after so many "opponents" and i had the advantage. i went to the table, but i knew very well that kenny was in a bad mood. nothing much happened during the night. but i received several messages today from friends and even from my own sister that i should have made it easy for him on his birthday and that i embarrassed in front of everyone. i replied with just "play stupid games, win stupid prizes." even my parents were involved in this and they said i caused an unnecessary moment. aita? extra: my sister is not that tall (5'1), as we are not from the same father.

aita for not making it easy for my bil in a competition at his bday party?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ual1qj/aita_for_not_making_it_easy_for_my_bil_in_a/

2022-04-24 02:45:28

nta. sounds like your bil needs to lighten up. if the entire family made you the "bad guy" it leads me to think that they know he has issues with not being number 1 at things in general.

nta. someone 5'3 even more muscular than you probably won't beat you because of the added leverage you have from your long arms. this person should have taken more physics classes before challenging you to arm wrestling.

nta - the other day, my bil took my kid to archery dodgeball. and the people playing (mostly adults and late teens) let my kid win. because he is five. you let five year olds win on their birthday (sometime - if you are feeling nice). kenny is a grown ass adult.

nta. tell him to get over his little man syndrome without trying to knock others down a peg.

fragile masculinity is so silly. people need to stop blaming women for men feeling inadequate. if someone’s self worth is wrapped up in winning a stupid arm wrestling challenge then they need examine what they bring to the world. not the asshole!!

nta i know so many people like your bil 🤣 as a competitive person, i say if you're challenged you're fully within your rights to win if you play fairly. you could be the ah if you went out of your way to challenge and win or made a big deal out of it, but from what you said that wasn't the case.

nta. you said it, play stupid games....

nta arm wrestling is a leverage game, if he knew how he could have given you a run for your money. but sounds like he tried to brute force it, which would never work against a larger opponent. not your fault.

nta the bil is never too old to learn that sometimes he will lose even though he does crossfit

my best friend is 6’1” and never works out, i am 5’0.5” and lift on the regular. we are both women but she can pick me up and toss me around like it’s nothing. that’s genetics for you. you aren’t an asshole for being born tall and it sure as hell isn’t your job to feed his short man syndrome ego. nta this shit is fragile masculinity and your gorgeous self shouldn’t be getting shit

BENIGN

this is a really dumb problem but i need an outside opinion. ok so back with pokemon sword and sheild came out, my husband(29) and i (28) decided to surprise out kids(6m 8f) with switches. to make this clear, we bought 3 switch lites, 1 normal switch( we wanted 1 to connect to the tv for family games), 2 copies of sword, 2 copies of shield then a copy of mario party. as you can imagine, this cost us a pretty penny but for us it was worth it. anyway, when we gave them to the kids, we told them the rules for them. this is their first systen that's solely theirs so we made sure they knew if they broke the rules or they werent taking care of them, we would take them and they would have to earn them back. one of the big rules is we dont take someone else's switch or games without permission, including mom and dads. everyone has their own so theres no reason to. so far i've only had to take them a few times(they thought games were more important than homework and one got thrown once) that leads us to a few days ago. i caught my son hiding my switch in his room so he could play online without permission(this is a rule for all the game systems). i confronted him about it and told him he was losing gaming privileges for 3 days and took his switch. i thought i was being fair but my friend messaged me asking if my son wanted to get on and play a game with her son. when i told her he was grounded from it but would have it back in a few days, she said i was being unreasonable and i couldnt expect a 6 year old to follow rules like that. i told her i was sorry she thinks that but i laid out the rules and he broke 2 of them, his age is not an excuse. we argued about it before i hung up. aita here? i think in being reasonable but our mom group seems to think i'm being an ass about it.

aita for taking away my sons switch?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gprwil/aita_for_taking_away_my_sons_switch/

2020-05-24 15:48:04

nta you certainly can expect a 6 year old to follow rules like that. she probably just wants him to be able to entertain her kid.

nta, and **thank you** for actually parenting your kid - it seems increasingly rare these days. six is plenty old enough to understand basic concepts like "do not take this item in your room" and "ask permission before you do this thing." you also set a reasonable timeframe for the punishment - long enough to have an impact, but not punitively long. well done! ignore that mom, you're doing great.

easy nta! children need discipline, rules and consequences are necessary. a 6-year old can definitely follow rules like that. plus, at the end of the day, your children, your rules. you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. edit to add: i think a lot of parents these days struggle with follow through when it comes to consequences. their children will suffer. keep up the good work!

totally nta you warned them/informed them about the rules and, ig, were "detailed" with the consequences. maybe explain the rules to them properly, like for example why it wouldn't be cool that kids are online without permission. taking a console away from a child for misbehavior (regarding said console) is totally legit. ha~, the memories of playing ds and pokemon diamond at night~

nta she’s just mad that she couldn’t get her kid out of her hair by using yours. you need to stick to your guns and make it last the whole 3 days. your kid might do it again, but if you’re consistent, it’ll stick.

nta-this is your kid and your rules, this other parent has zero say in this whatsoever. the kid is 6, he hid the switch because he knew what he was doing was wrong, so he knows full well he broke your rules. the audacity of this parent to question your parenting!

nta. setting clear boundaries and enforcing them is pretty much parenting 101 - and if a kid is old enough to play with a switch, they're old enough not to throw or hide it. there are always going to be disagreements between parents the "right" way to parent, and frankly i think it's just plain rude to tell other parents how to parent (unless we're talking about something serious). while i agree with your approach and think you are being totally fair, even if the other moms _legitimately_ thought you were being too strict, it's none of their business and they should keep their views to themselves. if they don't want to enforce boundaries with their own kids, that's their choice. how you parent your kids is yours.

nta. it's not your friends decision for what your kid can and cant do. them believing that a 6 year old cant deal with any punishment will lead to the entitlement we see all the time in some other subreddits. i honestly don't know why your friend would be upset with you punishing your child, especially when its not harsh at all and only 3 days without a device.

nta, you warned him, he broke the rules, you took it away, simple as that. i wouldn’t allow online play until your son is at least 10, since young kids often spill personal info such as where they live without even thinking about it, which i’m sure you know. make sure to not allow online play until he fully understands what he can and cannot say to strangers. but make sure to monitor him for a bit while using online play, just in case. i use to have a friend which i banned him from being able to use a mic on my xbox since whenever he would go online he would always say crap without my permission such as telling random people my name, and the state and city i lived in. similarly to your son, i told him not to, he did it anyway, i gave him a warning, he did it again, so then i banned him from using my mic.

deff nta i think its great to teach em rules early on. choices have consequences. i would have told of that parent. that is your child not his.

BENIGN

basically it started earlier this month after my sisters mom died. she is not my bio sister but my mom dated her dad when we were toddlers, and we have been friends for years since. my sister got pregnant at 18 and had the baby back in february. she is on and off with her baby daddy and claims “he helps when he can.” so far i have seen no proof of this. last month her mom passed away from health compilations that no one was aware of. my sister tried to raise money to raise money where she could and i donated some money but was laid off due to my station not being needed for a couple weeks. if i hadn’t been laid off i would have gave more. my sister ultimately didn’t make enough to have her mom cremated her dad refused to help with the expenses, so the state buried her instead. after that my sister was mia for awhile, which i couldn’t blame her. what i can blame her for is weaseling her way out of the wood work for money. my sister doesn’t work, i don’t know if her baby daddy does or her dad. i have been brushing it off telling her i would see what my checks look like. but now it’s like the only time she wants to talk is to ask for money. i started lying saying that i can’t because i have a bunch of bills. i’m not flat broke by any means i make roughly 2k a month so i’m not rich but i do make enough to live off of and share financial responsibility with my family. i wouldn’t be as upset if i hadn’t got a message showing me her son’s halloween costume when just a week before she was asking for $25 for diapers. i just got another text asking for $3, i get it’s not a lot of money but i’m sick of her treating me like an atm, just because i have a job now. tldr: my sister asked for money and that’s the only time she contacts me.

aita for lying to my sister about not having money just so i don’t have to pay for her baby’s stuff.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qfrd8m/aita_for_lying_to_my_sister_about_not_having/

2021-10-25 21:51:38

nta. "no" is a complete sentence. so is "i am not financially responsible for you or your child. please stop tapping me for money." actually, that last one is two sentences. but still.

nta. she is in a difficult situation, but her difficult situation is not your difficult situation. you do not need to disclose your financial status to anyone and you are not an asshole for lying to protect your assets from someone who is being a bit of a leech.

nta. i don't talk to people who only show up for $$$. also $2k isn't much depending on the area. that's like "need a roommate" territory. frankly she needs to bang harder on the baby daddy and not you. you didn't knock her up.

nta. she’s family and it’s nice you want to help but she’s an adult and that’s not your child.

nta: you’re not financially responsible for her or her children and you’re not obligated to spend your hard earned money to support them just because she’s family.

nta...why do none of them have a job?!

nta. she needs to get court ordered child support. do not give her money or you will never be able to stop.

nta she is not a friend she is a leach. friendships have a give and take, but she is looking to you to be the substitute for her parents and baby daddy. thing is you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

nta!! i have a best friend exactly like this. she asked me for money for her apartment application. i looked her in her eyes and said no without blinking. you do not have to provide and excuse or reason. you got your ass up to work, she laid her ass down and made a baby. not your problem.

nta, she and the dad made the choice to have a baby, so it's their responsibility.

BENIGN

throwaway account because i got locked out of my other. so my (26m) cousin bella (28f) and her ex husband were married for 1 year. during this time i became very good friends with her then husband mark. mark and me started gaming together and eventually he joined my softball team. we’ve remained good friends even after my cousin cheated on him. my cousin left him in the middle of the night for her new fiancé rob. this was a huge deal in our family because my cousin was the first marriage of the second generation and everyone loved mark. we were all in her wedding and most of the bridal party was our family. ever since then our parents, her mother and her act like it’s some taboo thing we aren’t allowed to bring up. my other female cousins (i’m the only boy cousin) have basically cut off bella after she left mark. mark still hangs out with me and my cousins because he doesn’t have a bunch of friends due to him moving to our town after they got married. bella has brought her new guy around the family and most of us just pretend like he’s invisible and totally ignore both of them. i recently bought a new house with my girlfriend and we decided we wanted to host christmas this year for the family. i told mark he was more than welcomed to join us because he didn’t have any family close by. i texted my mom that bella wasn’t welcome at my house for christmas due to mark being there. she said that it wasn’t fair to bella or her mom (my moms sister) that she wouldn’t be invited to a family event. i said that was too bad because i wasn’t about to make mark uncomfortable. bella sent me a long message about family being important to her, her needing family support and wanting to have her fiancé around our family etc. i told her to lose my number. her mom called me individually to berate me, say it wasn’t my place and basically trying to steamroll me into inviting bella. she then said that if bella wasn’t invited then her family wouldn’t be showing. i said “great sounds like we’ll have more seating now” and hung up. my mom is now trying to play peacemaker and saying i should invite her because if not then the christmas will feel awkward and divided. i said if her and her generation want to go celebrate with bella then go right ahead and host the party and they can decide who comes. aita?

aita for banning my cousin from christmas in favor of my friend.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rjxzww/aita_for_banning_my_cousin_from_christmas_in/

2021-12-19 14:37:57

nta. your house. you prefer mark, so it’s 100% your choice who’s there and who’s not.

nta - man you’re my hero. you do you

nta just because someone is blood doesn't make them more important. that logic is the same used by people to defend you being forced to hang out with an abuser at a family gathering. her actions had consequences. her and her mother can spend christmas with the home wrecker fiance.

nta. bella fucked up your friend's life and you're choosing to be there for your friend. she made her bed and she gets to sleep in it.

nta. sometimes family is chosen and not based on genetics.

nta cheaters don't get to demand everyone support them for cheating! kudos to everyone in your family who's judged based on merit over blood. if they keep pressing, just play the "i get to invite whomever i want to my house" card. have a merry christmas with people who have good morals!

nta - bella is an asshole for demanding to ruin mark’s holiday and so is her mom. your mom is an enabler but not an ah. the family is awkward and divided because of the cheating. mark is your close friend and bella betrayed him. you’ve taken mark’s side, which is the morally superior side, in my opinion. you don’t need to help everyone pretend the family isn’t divided.

nta. your roof, your rules. i personally don't place much importance on cousins, aunts or uncles as "family" although if they are good, solid people i will certainly give them all due respect on that ground. so, you are fully in your rights to say you're picking mark over bella and that you're totally cool with that meaning your aunt isn't coming either. shitty actions have consequences.

nta. i think you were a little harsh but you sound kinda fed up with the behavior of quite a few people in this story. that's reasonable to me.

nta bella made her own life decisions and doesn’t want to experience any of the natural repercussions in relationships. i wouldn’t want to be around her either.

BENIGN

not about me but about my sil. basically my parents are mad that my sister-in-law didn't take out the trash from the bathroom when she was on her period. there was only 1 pad in it so it wasn't full enough to take out and i'm pretty sure she doesn't even know where our trash can is. i'm defending her bc first of all why is my dad looking that closely at the trash, and second of all if he sees it why mention it and embarrass her? i'd be mortified if my father-in-law saw my feminine products, let alone complain to everyone abt it. it just leaves a bad impression of our family. my mom went and told her to take the trash out next time she's on her period and then was trying to tell me and my siblings how ridiculous she is for not doing that already. like i get if my mom had told her where to throw the trash etc beforehand, but she didn't. who's the asshole here? in my opinion guests should not be required to take out their trash in the house they're visiting, although it would be nice if they did. but regardless, the punishment of embarassing her does not fit the crime imo. it's not like she trashed the place, she cleaned up after herself in every way except the last step of taking out the trash.

aita for not taking out the trash as a guest at my in-law's house?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kj5cle/aita_for_not_taking_out_the_trash_as_a_guest_at/

2020-12-24 00:52:45

nta, i'd be super uncomfortable returning to their home. all this shit talking isn't about the trash tho. they clearly don't like her and are looking for excuses to bitch about her.

nta. this isn’t like some “common sense/common courtesy” custom that everyone shares. i wouldn’t think anything of putting a tampon container in the bathroom trash...that’s one of the reasons why it’s there? it’s not like she just left the front door open or the faucet running. i think your parents are ta’s for being so nitpicky and more so for bringing it up to her and shaming her over it like she did something objectively wrong. like, why would you even want to bring that up to someone? seems really strange and even creepy tbh.

nta she cleaned up after herself. if i was her, and if i ever visited again, i would stay in a hotel in the future. your parents are asses.

nta at all! shame on your dad for period shaming a grown woman. it's not like she finger painted the mirror with her menstrual blood. she used the garbage can and your dad went digging through it in order to find it. he should be thoroughly shamed.

nta. the trash can wasn’t full so there’s no need to take it out. your dad was the ah here.

nta. i’d be mortified if it was me being spoken to/about like that.

nta. to my knowledge, that's what the trash receptacle is for.

nta- if it was disposed of wrapped in tp, get out of here. your parents for nuts. poor girl. funny thing is how stupid your parents are. guess where the grandkids will be on xmas morning in ten years. not at that house! why would your sil ever want to visit again? let alone make them a priority for the future.

nta, embarrassing someone on their period is a special kind of terrible. she was clean about it. it's not like she left blood everywhere.

nta that's an expectation of hosting a gathering. people use your facilities and unless they asked for everyone to clean up ahead of time, how would they know!? not cool in my book, the parents should just dump the trash and move on.

TOXIC

yesterday, my (24f) extended family went out for a dinner catch up. my cousin "alison" (29f) came, she's pregnant. i ordered a burger with fries, alison had some type of herb pasta. when our food came, she asked if i want to swap with her because she didn't like the smell of the pasta. i said sorry, but i want my burger and maybe she can swap with someone else. she said she was suddenly craving a burger and no one else had ordered one. i told her she can order again. alison said they're saving for the baby and won't waste money buying another dish, that i didn't have to pay the difference if i swapped (the pasta was more expensive). i kept saying no, she got really upset and said i didn't understand the struggles of pregnant women. my mom saw and said i should just swap and was acting like a kid, i said alison was acting like a kid. alison said she was hurt and i don't understand pregnancy, my aunt (alison's mom) noticed the commotion and told alison to 'learn how to deal with these things because not everyone will care about her'. i'd had enough so i just started eating before anyone else could tell me to swap. my mom later said i created a scene for no reason and alison's pregnant so i should've been more understanding. she said she's 'lost face' in front of my aunt. now i'm thinking if i should've just sucked it up and swapped? (throwaway btw)

aita for not swapping my meal with my pregnant cousin?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uzmze2/aita_for_not_swapping_my_meal_with_my_pregnant/

2022-05-28 13:07:03

nta. pregnancy isn’t a free pass to demand special treatment. if alison wanted a burger, she was free to order another. if that couldn’t be done, she was free to eat the pasta and quit complaining.

nta and if your cousin were really concerned about saving money she would have ordered something less expensive in the first place.

nta. you should look up the garfunkel and oates song "pregnant women are smug" on youtube.

nta. pregnant doesn't mean suddenly a toddler. she's responsible for her own food problems.

nta just because you are pregnant it doesn’t mean you can act like a spoiled brat. the only person she should have asked to swap is her husband. she could have ordered another hamburger and taken the pasta home. that way it wasn’t wasted.

nta as someone who is a mom, and also currently pregnant, my cravings are not someone else's problem. it is extremely rude to harass someone into trying to get them to switch a dish with you just because you don't like how something smells. i get it trust me, food aversion can be a pain, but ordering a burger isn't that big of a deal and people need to stop catering to her.

absolutely nta. why do some pregnant women suddenly feel entitled to the whole world just because they’re carrying a baby?! i completely understand that pregnancy cravings/tastes come and go in an instant, but to force someone else to eat your meal is just rude. it’s fine to ask if someone would mind swapping, but after you said no the obvious solution was for her to order another burger. or go to maccas if she really was that concerned about the money

nta wait til she learns about the real world!! lmao so entitled!!

nta. an adult woman demands your dinner and your mother accuses you of being childish and causing a scene for declining.

nta! i hate to be that person but some pregnant people are super entitled. i had an incident a while back where i bought the last maple bacon scone at this awesome bakery near me. the woman behind me in line was pregnant and had the audacity to ask me to give it to her because she was having a serious craving for one. i said sorry, i came specifically for this. she made a big scene and said “ i can tell you don’t have kids because you obviously don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant!” i rolled my eyes and walked out. i enjoyed that damn scone too. your cousin is an entitled ah, and your mom is too for trying to force you to give up your food and eat something you didn’t want.

BENIGN

we've been together for 13 years and have 2 kids (5, 9) father's day is coming up and the kids have been feeling excited to spend the day with their dad. however, this morning (we're in the us) i learned from my husband that he, his father and brother planned to go on a trip together tomorrow to celebrate and spend father's day together. i was taken a back because he never told me about this and me and the kids were already talking about spending the day together but he never said anything and kept us in the dark.the kids are eager to spend the day with their dad. my husband said his dad was paying for the trip and he can't tell him the kids should come too. he think is it's "rude" to ask his father to include the kids. but he also told me brother in law is taking his kids. he said his brother was paying for his kids to come and he could pay too but didn't think it was a good idea to take the kids. i frankly couldn't understand his logic when he said he wants to spend father's day with his dad and not the kids. he blew up and said i was being such a pain in the neck over something as stupid as father's day, and he just taking this opportunity to get fresh air and get away from work and stress. i told him it will impact the kids to spend father's day away from their father. and he needed to think of it this way. he said i was trying to manipulate him out of going altogether by guiltripping him and called my behavior controlling and borderline abusive because of how i'm making it seem like this is the only father's day that the kids will have. he told me to gtfo with the "my way or the highway" bullshit and stop mentioning it. he went out and hasn't returned yet. he's not even picking up the phone or responding to my texts. aita and overreacting?

aita for wanting my husband to spend father's day with our kids?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o3s80w/aita_for_wanting_my_husband_to_spend_fathers_day/

2021-06-19 23:11:26

nta. sounds like he wanted to sneak away and leave you with the kids and hoped you'd just go along with it if he mentioned it last minute. he absolutely has no reason to not take his kids especially since his brother will have kids there as well. now he's overreacting and gaslighting by projecting and hoping you second guess yourself and stop calling him out.

nta. but i think you have a bigger problem on your hands. i feel awful for your young children.

nta. but the whole post is about something else, not just about father’s day. his actions don’t make sense and something deeper is going on here. perhaps ask the bil or fil if you don’t hear back from your husband. maybe they could shed some light on the situation.

nta his reaction is over the top. are you sure there’s nothing else going on with him?

nta. if this was simply about your husband wanting to spend some alone time with his dad on father's day there'd be no ah. but it's not. he kept this trip from you until the last minute. had he he given you more time you could have prepared other options as well as not get your kids hopes up. also his reaction was basically to throw a temper tantrum, which is a bad look on a father/adult.

nta. has he explained to the children yet that he doesn’t want to spend father’s day with them or is he expecting you to give that news? he’ll complain one day that his kids don’t take the time to see him anymore, they’ll remember that he wanted to “enjoy himself” on father’s day and therefore excluded them from it.

nta and wouldn't be surprised if his dad is actually a woman he's dating.

esh - on mother's day, people are really quick to tell mom's they should get to do whatever they want... so if your husband wanted to do this, fine. it's his day. but the way he communicated with you about it was rude.

nta but the problem here isn’t the holiday, it’s that he’s decided to go on a trip and leave you with the kids without talking about it first. my guess is he simply wants time away for himself to unwind and not think about the kids, which is understandable, but he needs to talk to you about that, he can’t just get up and go. i would ask him when he expects to celebrate with the kids and when he will tell them he’s going to be away from the weekend.

i would say esh. a responsibility free day sounds like a great father’s day. on mother’s day we want mothers to take the day off, go get their nails done, or go to the spa. we let the kids give them their presents, do breakfast, and let them do their own things, but on father’s day you want him to be saddled with the kids all day? i don’t think that’s very fair. and i think you were too pushy on it. you say and know he works long hours and he spends all his free time with you and the kids. he clearly very much wants a break. he seems stressed as f. the obvious reason he is the asshole is because of his lack of communication. a day notice for a trip isn’t cool. and then when he communicated he got frustrated and snapped on you like a jerk. obviously very asshole-ish. i would tell him you are not opposed to him going, but both of you need to have a talk about lack of communication, and him snapping at you. it’s not healthy, and you two are a team. maybe he will open up about stress at work or something bothering him.

BENIGN

i have recently finished a two-month mandatory internship and had a bit of a conflict with one manager. i was mostly in charge of simple quality control stuff and some office work. however, we had a problem with a water pipe and it destroyed a lot of paperwork. since my workload was pretty low and i was kinda bored at the internship anyway, i volunteered to replace the damaged documents. well i underestimated how much work it would be, so i was running all over the company getting everything together, often working overtime or through lunch breaks. but whatever, i signed up for it. about a week before my internship would end, i finished and had replaced all the damaged documents. during a bi-weekly meeting, my manager called me to the front, thanked me for the hard work and mentioned he had a something for me. he handed me a generic "thank you" card. blank, nothing written inside not even a signature or something. i thanked him and went about my day. later during lunch break some coworkers asked what i got, so i showed them the card. most just asked "thats it?". at some point i mentioned i would have prefered nothing over a blank card. well that apparently reached the ear of my manager, who called me in for a talk. he was kind of upset that i was "badmouthing him" and that i volunteered so i should not expect a reward. i told him, i was not expecting a reward but a blank card is just a extremly low-effort thing and he could not even be bothered to sign it or write a single sentence. he told me that i need to learn about respect and it would be good idea to forget about a letter of recommendation or something like that. i told my parents about what happened, they are kind of split about it. mom says i should have just taken the card and be quiet, since i was an unpaid intern and volunteered for the task. dad agrees that the manager was an ass.

aita for saying i would rather not get anything then a blank thank-you card from my manager

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o6zyyn/aita_for_saying_i_would_rather_not_get_anything/

2021-06-24 12:34:31

nta he made it seem like he had something good for you by saying “i’ve got something for you”. and it doesn’t take any effort to sign a card.

both of your parents are right. your manager is definitely an ass, but you shouldn't have said anything...you're nta but there was nothing to be gained by talking negatively to your manager about it. if he's the sort of person who thought that was an appropriate gesture in the first place, he certainly isn't the person who is going to listen reasonably to being told it was low effort.

nta - but you perhaps were a fool. your manager was totally an ass here. both for the blank card, and the reaction to hearing what you said. but this is one of those situations where being right doesn't matter cause the power differential is to great. nothing good can come of voicing those sort of complaints to a group.

nta. your manager must be fantastic around the holidays, ffs. signing the damned card is what is done. unless...and this just occurred to me - do you think maybe he thought you could then reuse the card? i know some folks roll that way.

nta. he tried to look to others as if he was being generous when he wasn’t. you answered direct questions about it.

nta the manager was def an a\*\* but also make note that coworkes will spill your beans. they may act like friends but please learn this lesson to not share your private thoughts with coworkers.

nta. you did initially keep quiet! your co workers asked you and you had no reason to lie to them about what you got, plus your boss is a complete a for such a crappy gesture and a fragile ego. he used you to make himself look generous and it backfired.

nta. for my 10-year anniversary at my old job my manager handed me the corporate thank you card. he hadn't signed it, and inside there was a slip of paper with instructions on how to write a meaningful thank you! he never even opened it!

nta that manager is an ass. you are an (umpaid?) intern who busted their ass doing grunt work for this guy and he finds a card in a drawer and hands it to you with it signing it or anything. that's rude and a jerk move. i agree, i'd rather have a hand shake than that.

nta but naive. your boss sucks full stop, your coworkers suck for letting your legitimate comment get back to him. you shouldn't have told the boss that. because office politics are worse than anything else. you're right it was an empty gesture. the right thing to do would be to tell your school advisor what happened or go to hr. sometimes people are awful and will make your life hell in the future. you'd be surprised how many people you worked with once will be with you again at a new company. sadly you are not allowed to tell your boss the truth many times. remember this and know that you'll never treat an employee this way.

BENIGN

ok so some background information, my (23m) daughter’s mother (22f), let’s call her emily, got pregnant when she was 16, i was 17. emily was very against abortion so despite me telling her i was not ready to be a father, she was adamant to keep it and give it up for adoption (which is also what her parents, who were furious at me, wanted her to do). i was not okay with this at all, having grown up in the foster system myself i did not want my kid to go through the same thing. eventually we decided that she would give birth and then relinquish full custody to me, who would raise the baby, despite my prior hesitation. fast forward to current day, our daughter, ‘rose’ has started school (although this year has been a mess with school) and i live with my boyfriend, ‘adam’ (24m). i love them both to the ends of the world and am very happy with our little family. we are also on government support payments since we don’t make a lot of money. now onto the actual issue. a couple of months ago i received a facebook message from emily. she said she wanted to ‘check-in’ and see how rose was doing. i found this a bit odd since she hadn’t shown any interest in her at all but i obliged and told her that she was doing well and was happy. she then started sending me more messages over the next few weeks asking questions about rose like where she went to school, how she behaved etc. i didn’t tell her the school she attends since i was starting to get suspicious that she had an ulterior motive and my suspicions were confirmed when she asked to come visit her. i said no because i felt that emily didn’t truly care about rose and i don’t trust her around my kid. i had already decided that if rose wanted to meet her when she was old enough, that would be fine but not when she was so young. anyway, emily got really angry when i said no, saying that it was her child and she had a right to see her. she started saying that i was a horrible father, abusive and that i was forcing our daughter to only have male parental figures and that it would ‘damage’ her. i eventually blocked her but that only made it worse when 2 days ago, she showed up at our unit, unannounced and demanded to be let in and see rose. i wasn’t home but adam was there with our daughter and he told her to leave or he would call the cops. when he told me what happened i was freaked out since i don’t know how she found our address and i feel really anxious. emily then sent me more messages from a new facebook account and i told her that if she didn’t stop, i would seek a restraining order against her. this is where i’m wondering if i’m overreacting about this whole issue. my boyfriend agrees with me and so does his family but some of our friends are saying that i’m just being paranoid and that it’s just my anxiety and that threatening her with a restraining order is too harsh. but i don’t understand why emily is so interested all of a sudden and it makes me uneasy. aita?

aita for threatening a restraining order against my daughter’s mother?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k77yll/aita_for_threatening_a_restraining_order_against/

2020-12-05 14:00:48

nta. why now? because 5 year olds are waaay less work than infants/toddlers. she isn't interested in being a parent, because if she were, she'd be taking the legal route. she wants to get involved now for the fun stuff. her behavior appears unstable and you have a family to protect. get the ro.

nta protect you and your family. someone who wants a healthy relationship doesn’t go about it in such an unhealthy way. she found your address without you giving it to her, to me that’s grounds enough to start the legal process of getting a restraining order. make sure all legal paperwork regarding custody is in order though. if the two of you didn’t legally fill out the paperwork when rose was born, it may give emily more of a leg to stand on. good luck op

nta. threatening a restraining order is not too harsh. actually *getting* a restraining order is not too harsh either. you are not paranoid, she actually showed up at your house! it was fine for her to check in her daughters health and see how she was doing, even ask if she could meet her. it was also fine for you to decline. she gave up her parental rights. you were on exactly the right track, when your daughter is old enough and wants to meet her mother a meeting can be arranged then. get the restraining order immediately! if you haven’t already save every message and communication you guys have had since she first reached out.

nta! >eventually we decided that she would give birth and then relinquish full custody to me, who would raise the baby, despite my prior hesitation. [...] >saying that it was her child and she had a right to see her. * she gave up her maternal rights * a child is not an it * she showed up at your house uninvited * she is being weirdly aggressive >but i don’t understand why emily is so interested all of a sudden and it makes me uneasy. you are protecting your daughter. full stop. emily's behavior is creepy af. **the *only* reason i would caution against the restraining order is because that will allow her to find out the name&address of the school rose goes to.** secondly, an ro is just a piece of paper that doesn't actually *do* anything, not a shield. see if you can't get a security system that records your doorway at the least, with audio, in case emily shows up again. also, go to rose's school and explain the situation situation that you have full custody, and that only certain people are permitted to a) pick rose up b) visit her at school. i personally would give the school copies of your and adam's ids so there is no confusion as to whom is permitted. document *everything* and find a family law lawyer to discuss what you *can* legally do (besides an ro). sending you so much good luck.

nta. i think your reaction is completely reasonable. her behavior is absolutely bizarre and suspicious and i think you are doing the right thing. if her mom wants to change your custody arrangement, she should go through the appropriate legal channels and you should hire an attorney. (i noticed that you said she gave you 100% custody, but didn’t necessarily relinquish her parental rights, so you would definitely want an attorney if she files anything).

nta. she’s probably having some regrets, and seeing that rose is doing well she can have an easier time inserting herself into the situation. plus i’m sure she’s unhappy with the fact that you’re with a man. just keep blocking/avoiding her and if she shows up again call the police

nta. is it possible emily just found out you were dating another man? it sounds like she she’s more focused on doing religious gymnastics (abortion is bad but homosexuality is worse) than the best interest of your daughter. i know you mention you have full custody but did emily relinquish her rights as well? i imagine that will matter legally.

nta she abandoned her child. you need to protect your daughter and it’s perfectly rational to threaten your ex with a restraining order. i hope you actually had her parental rights terminated or else she may have a right to see your daughter if she chooses to pursue legal action.

nta. trust your gut.

nta nta nta. protect your daughter and definitely take the advice above making sure she can’t legally pursue you.

TOXIC

i (29f) went to the grocery store to buy a few items for my household yesterday. i always check the price at the point of sale (i.e cash register) compared to the price that is marked when i pick the item up from the shelve. yesterday, i pick an item up at the shelve on aisle 3 of the store, and it is marked as $4.79. i subsequently place the item in my cart of food. i finish shopping, and next bring all the items to the cashier. the same item rings up at the cash register at $5.29. i decide to complain to the cashier, and allow them to know of the error. when, i normally do this most cashiers will apologize, and put the correct price, and the process takes 30 seconds. this time, the cashier says please prove it. i told her that it was on aisle 3, and she refuses to go to the item to check. she says, "ma'am, we are talking about fifty cents." i decide to refuse to move until she corrects the error. subsequently, a supervisor is called over to help alleviate the incident, and she goes to check, and of course i am correct. the cashier subsequently says to me, "thanks for be an asshole, and holding the line up for fifteen minutes." i called my parents, and they told me that i was correct, and that the mistake is about principals, and not about the money. they reassured me that i did the right thing. my husband disagreed, and said that if a person is paid $16 dollars an hour, then his time is worth $4.00 for 15 minutes. i wasted 15 minutes for fifty cents was not a good return on investment. i told him it is about the principal, and not about the money, but he disagreed. aita for telling the cashier that she was wrong about the price, and needed to fix it?

aita for holding up the line in the grocery store?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/sv1pq6/aita_for_holding_up_the_line_in_the_grocery_store/

2022-02-17 22:48:10

nta. where i shop, if the item is charged more at the register than what is stated on the shelf, customer gets that item for free. also, here in australia, it's against the law to charge more than what is stated on the shelf. but errors happen, but this cashier was throwing her weight around, which she shouldn't have.

nta - the cashier should be fired for calling a customer an ah for something that the customer was right about. unacceptable for a customer service professional.

given your post history u/nighttrain915, yta. https://www.reddit.com/r/amitheasshole/comments/s8wfli/aita_for_not_paying_daycare_because_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb

nta. the principle here is that stores often mismark their products. sometimes that's just an innocent mistake--literally someone typed something in somewhere wrong, or forgot to take a sale sign down after the discount period is over. sometimes it's more like casual negligence -- if the price doesn't ring up right, oops, but we're not going to be diligent to make sure we make price changes. sometimes it's deliberate scamming. we'll put a different price on the shelf, not make the change, and when the customers get to the checkout, they'll think "oh it's only 50 cents, so it's not a big deal." do that over 10,000 transactions and that's an extra $5k in the store's pocket. and maybe that's a product that they wouldn't have sold but for the discounted price. you absolutely have the right to hold the store accountable for their pricing errors. and the cashier was ta for accusing you of holding up the line. it was the store that held up the line, either by mismarking the price, or by not believing you that the price was mismarked. (yeah, if i were behind you in line, i'd be annoyed too. but i wouldn't be annoyed at you.)

esh. the cashier is rude as hell but i'd 100% have given you a dollar to just go the fuck away had i been behind you in line. i hope $0.50 was worth 15 minutes of time from everyone behind you.

so, you kept a $1000 book sold by mistake, you won't pay your daycare bill, even though your contract says you should, and you held up the line over fifty cents. yta, all the time. you're cheap, your parents are cheap, and you should stop asking mommy and daddy to back you up when you're being cheap.

given your post history u/nighttrain915, i am going with yta. httpss://www.reddit.com/r/amitheasshole/comments/scuw13/aita_for_refusing_to_give_back_a_book_owner_sold/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb

yta, was 50 cents really worth wasting 15 minutes of your life, the cashier’s, the supervisor’s and everyone behind you in line? for your ‘principle’? what is this principle that is so important to you? being a miser? letting a teenager know that you think you’re more important than them and everyone else? a cashier shouldn’t call a customer an asshole, but in this case they were right, and i’m sure everyone behind you thought you were being ridiculous.

nta. i’m surprised at you so though. and the cashier. i would have told that same supervisor what she said. btw, tell your husband she’s not paid per person. she’s paid by the hour, no matter how long it takes per person. she didn’t want to do her job.

nta. your husband sounds like a pretentious and patronizing asshole.

BENIGN

(i am in a country where it is safe to be in groups currently.) this happened last weekend and it is still on my mind. i cannot decide if iata. i went on a ticketed outing via bus where every seat was full. my girlfriend and i were sitting together and we are both slim. a pair of large women who were together tried to get us to sit with them instead (that my girlfriend would sit by one of them, and one of them would sit by me). we politely told them that we wanted to sit together. the women were insistent we should do it because they wouldn't be able to sit comfortably together. they turned on my girlfriend and one of them demanded she get up. this is where i'm not sure if iata: i told them that they should have bought two seats each because they knew what size they are when they bought their tickets. the women lost their minds at this and the tour guide stepped in. the women would not accept a refund, and a different pair eventually volunteered to split up so that we could get on with the tour. i feel justified in not changing seats, but i still feel conflicted about how i spoke to the women. my girlfriend says i "fat shamed" them and did not need to mention their size.

aita for how i spoke to two large women?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k6rx73/aita_for_how_i_spoke_to_two_large_women/

2020-12-04 19:40:52

nta. what you said was accurate. these women asked you and your gf to switch seats because they knew beforehand they couldn't sit adjacent to one another. >my girlfriend says i "fat shamed" them and did not need to mention their size. except these women made their size an issue from the onset.

this is a tough one. i’m going with nta because you did not need to sit separate from your travel partner to accommodate them and they would not take no for an answer. when someone keeps pushing you and you’re on the spot, it’s hard to keep composure and not state the reason something has become an issue.

nta they mentioned their size as the reason you and your gf needed to split up seating. they didn't take your initial "no" and proceeded to attempt to shame you two into move, even to the point of trying to simply command your gf. play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

nta. they fat shamed themselves by causing a scene. as you pointed out, they're the ones who first called attention to the fact that they can't sit comfortably together.

nta. they should have bought a third seat if that was an issue. they certainly don't have a right to ruin your time together.

nta. i’m large. i would never dream of inconveniencing other people like that because i’m rubbish at self care.

nta they mentioned their size as the reason you and your gf needed to split up seating. they didn't take your initial "no" and proceeded to attempt to shame you two into move, even to the point of trying to simply command your gf. they were entitled assholes who literally wanted to throw their weight around. play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

nta they're big, they know they're big, and they should plan accordingly. it's not fat-shaming, it's simple logistics. ​

nta. they were bullying you because they thought they could get away with it. you were right: if they could not fit in the chairs, they should have secured two tickets. it sucks if they were big due to medical issues, but if they bully people like that i am inclined to think their size is entirely their own fault. you didn't fatshame them when they came in, but you called them out on being assholes when they tried to guilt trip and inconvenience you. i don't blame you one bit.

nta they were bullying you into changing seats. i’m sorry fat or slim i don’t want to sit next to a stranger because i have social anxiety. you guys wouldn’t have been comfortable sitting next to them but they kept pushing.

BENIGN

i'm 18, still living with parents, and needed to shower. yesterday i went out shopping with my step dad and bought some essentials like kitchen things and new bath towels. my mom texted me to make sure i didn't get plain white ones because those are boring so i bought grey and blue striped ones that match the bathroom. when i returned home with them she was very happy and they were hung up. now on to this morning, i took a shower and used one of the new bath towels because they were hung up right outside of the shower, they were clean, and i was never instructed not to use them. my mom gets home from work, sees a towel in the hamper and is very upset with me. saying things like i should've known they were just for show, i ruined the bathroom, and in 'the real world' every bathroom has towels that are just for show. i think this concept is insanely stupid and i told her that it's a waste of $18 for towels no one can use. she constantly tells me i'm not in 'the real world' and it pisses me off so much that that sentence did start an argument. am i in the wrong?

aita for using my moms bath towel that was just for show?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ulzis6/aita_for_using_my_moms_bath_towel_that_was_just/

2022-05-09 19:46:17

nta, in the “real world” no one has towels that are for show, your the sane one in this situation

nta - not every house has "show towels." unless it was advised not to use them, how would you know? towels can also be washed, so i'm not sure what the problem is. anyway, misunderstanding and hopefully she moves on.

nta. all my towels get used, but i do know of several people that have those “just for show” towels. i think it’s stupid, too. if she didn’t tell you not to use them, then you did nothing wrong. you’re not a mind reader.

>and in 'the real world' every bathroom has towels that are just for show. that is absolutely not correct. every towel in my household at least can and should be used. having "show-towels" is insane ;) nta

nta but i also didn’t grow up with towels that were just for show. if they were clean, they were clean and good for use. i think your mom might need a little reflection on why she thinks it’s such a big deal you used a towel as a towel is meant to be used.

nta. at all. towels are for using!!! look up miss manners on the subject if she wants to know the "proper" and "correct" answer... which is, use the towels!

sigh. some people do have "show" props in their home (it may be silly but it's not that unusual). but as you were never told not to use the towels you bought, you did nothing wrong. nta

nta - you didn't know the towels were "just for show".

nta towels for show isn't a thing. towels for guests can be though. it might also be a cultural thing? regardless, she should have told you.

nta. as you said, you were never instructed *not* to use them. it’s normal to think you can use them. and btw, what’s the big deal? she can just wash them and they’ll be alright, it’s just a towel.

BENIGN

my girlfriend asked if she could do my washing this evening while trying to help clean my flat. i said it was okay and for her not to do it. unfortunately she went ahead and put all the washing from one basket into the machine. however, she has mixed whites, colours and delicates, used the wrong setting on the washing machine and used a temperature that’s too high for some of the clothes. i’m now worried that some will be ruined and will have shrunk. i questioned why she done it, and was pretty mad since i asked her not to when she asked me. she’s angry that i wasn’t grateful for her doing this, but i clearly asked her not to? aita for not being grateful that she tried?

aita for being mad at my girlfriend for doing my washing?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bl2ohz/aita_for_being_mad_at_my_girlfriend_for_doing_my/

2019-05-05 20:34:47

nta - you made it clear that you did not want her to wash your clothes and she ignored your request anyway. i get that she's trying to be helpful but the fact that you insisted on her not washing your clothes and she still did it anyway makes her the asshole and proves that she did not have respect for your wishes in that situation.

nta. i get that she tried to do something nice but honestly if she doesn’t know how to properly wash clothes she shouldn’t have gone against your wishes to do them. you can fuck up cleaning most other things and they can be fixed, but shrunken or ruined clothes are not among those things. info...how exactly did you respond? i can understand her defensiveness if you came down too harshly, but i can’t blame you if you did. clothes aren’t cheap, and you’d already asked her not to do your laundry.

nta it's actually a pet-peeve of mine to be asked a yes or no question and that person subsequently doing the opposite of what i replied. then what was the point of asking? if she would've done it correctly, i.e. the way you would've yourself, the principle of the matter wouldn't be enough to me to make a big deal out of it. but since the answer being disrespected may lead to shrunken color-faded laundry, it is a valid beef to have with so.

nta. you asked her not to do it, she did it anyway plus did it wrong. not sure what you are supposed to be grateful for. sure, intent was there i guess, but the other stuff outweighs.

nta i hate when people do my laundry improperly, if she really wanted to do it for you she should have asked why you didnt want her to and how youd want it done. really rude to try to guilt you about not being grateful for possibly ruining your clothes.

nah but you weren’t clear enough about why you said no, so i can understand why she went ahead and did it. i used to offer to help my sister do the dishes. she would always say “no thanks. i can do them.” and i would think she’s just being nice and doesn’t want me to have to bother with doing them. sometimes i would do them for her anyways. then one day she admitted that she is a little bit obsessive about the way in which she does her dishes and when anyone else does them, she ends up re-washing them.

nah - maybe she assumed you were trying to be nice by taking care of the washing and she just wanted to be nice by doing them anyway. you said 'it's okay' maybe you should have said something like 'i'll do it i have a specific way i do it' and she would have been more reluctant. i don't think anyone's an asshole it was just a misunderstanding.

nta. i assume that you're referring to your own clothes, so it would make sense for you to want to wash your own clothes. she's being unreasonable by calling you ungrateful since you said you would do it yourself.

nta. she should have questioned why you didn't want her to do something nice for you. you could have stated why you didn't want her to wash clothes for you when she asked.

nta you specifically told her not to do it. she then proceeded to do it anyway, and do it incorrectly. then she has the nerve to be angry with you that you weren't grateful? nope. she wasn't trying to help for the sake of taking a load off of you, she was trying to elicit a particular emotional response from you to make herself feel better. that's important information. >aita for not being grateful that she tried? lol what is she, a six-year-old soccer player? not everybody gets a trophy, janice.

BENIGN

throwaway since some people know my real account. i have been dating my (m25) gf (f26) for about 5 months now. things have been getting serious and we have talked about moving in together by the end of the year. we've met each other's parents and friends and all enjoy hanging out together. her dad and my dad enjoy drinking/partying as much as our friend group so they sometimes come out with us to bars. around two or three weeks ago, things started to get weird between my dad (m49) and my gf's best friend (f25). there were obvious signs of flirting. one night, my gf's friend was supposed to stay at my place overnight after drinking (my gf stayed over as well) but ended up leaving and not coming back until the morning. after mentioning to my gf multiple times that things seemed weird, she told me that my dad and her friend had been hooking up and going on dates. she said she knew for about a week but said my dad insisted he be the one to tell me. she felt bad because it should have come from him but felt like they never would have told me. my gf is as uncomfortable as i am about the situation and i'm debating having a conversation with my dad about how i feel it is inappropriate and weird. i also feel like i shouldn't be the one to get in between people's relationships but their relationship has started to make social situations awkward with our friend groups. so the question is, wibta for telling my dad that i'm uncomfortable with his relationship with my gf's friend?

wibta for being upset at my dad for dating my gf's best friend?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bphq1z/wibta_for_being_upset_at_my_dad_for_dating_my_gfs/

2019-05-16 20:31:36

nta. it's weird as hell for your almost 50 year old dad to date a girl half his age, let alone someone in your social circle. he can find another 25 year old to date if he's that desperate for a younger girlfriend.

nta holy shit that’s an uncomfortable situation.

no i don’t think so. nta it’s fair to tell him how you feel. he may not care but it’s unexpected that he’d try dating in your social circle. especially if there’s drama this could make it harder for your gf. people can date who they want but this is a little inappropriate and maybe they’re just hooking up and not caring what kind of awkwardness this is creating.

nta. it's weird. your dad dating your girlfriend's best friend and hanging out with your social circle screams "mid-life crisis. also he's already getting between you and your girlfriend by asking her to keep secrets. is he a widower? did your parents have a troubled marriage? it's reasonable to be upset. he's making a fool of himself, bringing shame to you and interfering with your relationship.

nta i would absolutely tell your father how you feel. it would make social situations uncomfortable. i find it strange that your father doesn't understand it may be weird and didn't actually talk to you about it. he was probably hiding it because he knew it was fucking weird.

nah ​ i'd be weirded out too if my dad was dating my gf's friend, but it seems like it might be something somewhat serious. she's an adult. what's more important, being weirded out a bit or letting your dad enjoy the relationship?

eeeeehhhhhhh i'm going with nah if you approach this as a conversation about you guys as a family rather than a fight. he is dating a consenting adult. it is awkward sure, but nothing is technically wrong here. if you tell him you know and you just want to not have things end badly and awkwardly, then you're fine. if you say he needs to stop seeing her then you would be the asshole. but it isn't wrong to say how you feel.

nta, hats rediculous.

nah. you should definitely talk to your dad about how you are feeling

nta but only because you hang out with your girlfriends best friend. your father dating your friends is huge breach of lots of stuff, but if it's a friend of a friend no matter the age difference. it fine as long as they somt hang out with you two. but because her best friend obviously hangs out with you and her it's pretty messed up.

BENIGN

context: my family is not religious by any means of the word. only 2 of my sisters. my whole life i struggled with gender identity issues on top of that. also being accidentally misguided by some of my friends. as a young child i asked my mom if i could cut my hair to my ears to hopefully satisfy that mental struggle. and perhaps be a little bit more like myself rather than what my mom wanted me to be like. i was frustrated with her not letting me dress in hoodies and baggy pants in favor of ugly swirls of hippie tye-dye and peace signs. so i thought that if i couldn't dress myself, i could at least have the hair attached to my head right? wrong. my mom damn near beat the hell out of me. and after asking her that first time; any time i asked her i would be screamed at. and heaven forbid that i asked her with my dad or sisters nearby. she would scream at me that i was manipulating my family into feeling bad for me. fast forward some time, i turn 17 (am 19 now). i ask my mom if i could cut my hair because i was trying to embrace a more male looking identity. it was something i was trying out to see if it helped mediate my identity issues that i was facing. my mom screamed at me saying basically that she owned my body till i was 18. i cried myself to sleep that night because, well, i was a mental mess and trying to self help by cutting my hair. my dad talked to my mom that night, i guess he heard me crying and thought my mom was being ridiculous. so my mom said, "take her to the barber with you tomorrow then." but was still angry. i got my first male haircut and that had been the happiest i was in a long time. not that i got my way, but that i was able to feel a sense of my own identity. but apparently my mom was testing my dad and i, in her own words, "to see if i'd do the right thing." which was apparently to farther spiral into my own depression for her image to be preserved. my sisters have texted me telling me on many occasions that they liked my long hair better, but i like having short hair. aita?

aita for cutting my hair against my mother's wishes?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/goebrs/aita_for_cutting_my_hair_against_my_mothers_wishes/

2020-05-22 06:50:02

nta it’s your hair so do what you want but if your parents are abusive thats a major concern

nta - didn’t even dead the post. just based off the title i already have my answer. it’s your body and your hair, you can do what you want with your own hair.

nta your mother is abusive.

nta, your body, your choice. also, she's abusive and you should cut contact with her. she doesn't "own" your body; by that logic she could forcefully have sex with you, because she "owns" your body. the only one who owns your body is you.

you are nta for standing up for your body and what you need to be comfortable. i’m so happy you got the haircut and hope you continue to if that’s what you want 💛

nta. i am baffled by this. it never would have occurred to me to ask permission from my mam about my hair cuts. your mam is crazy op

nta at all. but i am worried about your safety. as a trans guy close to your age (i’m 18) i can’t imagine being placed in a situation where i was never allowed to explore my identity and presentation. it was so important to me to be able to cut my hair and wear what clothing i want. and even if you turn out to be a masculine girl, you still have every right to choose how to dress and keep your hair. especially now that you’re an adult. it sounds to me like your family is pretty abusive, and it genuinely might not be safe for you to experiment with gender presentation until you’re not dependent on them. which really sucks. it’s fucking crazy that your mother won’t let you present how you want. my kid brother is 7 goddamn years old and even he gets to pick out his outfits and choose his haircut. and he often chooses to wear little girls’ clothing. and nobody cares! i don’t know wtf is wrong with people honestly. i’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

nta. it's your body. your hair. also, wtf? no one ***owns*** their child's body. yes, they can make executive decisions when their child is younger/inexperienced and crap for their own sake, but this is just... freaking no. no. no, no, no. **no.** i don't like your mom. she is most definitely ta. i mean, she could've even tried to compromise and get you like, a shoulder length cut or just above the shoulder. but no, she screams at you? the way she was acting was extremely manipulative and controlling. please don't feel bad for wanting your hair a certain way. i remember when my sibling chopped half their hair off (they liked it long, but it didn't feel right) and they were so much happier with it. (less maintenance, too). try to recognize if your mom is being controlling in other aspects of your life, too. i just.... goodness. i'm glad you feel more like yourself now, regardless.

this is the mindset that will help you through life. dress for yourself, not for others. when you dress for yourself, you stop obsessing over "does this look right? how about this? will they think i am a slut for wearing this?" fuck it man, wear what makes you feel you. nta.

speaking as someone with dysphoria the haircut helps immensely....nta!!! and isn't the moment you first saw yourself with the correct hair a most wonderful memory? tell your sisters to shove off too.

BENIGN

my friend is studying for a masters in clinical psychology at a really good university. a group of us were hanging out in a social context. we all step outside at one point to get some air, and she starts talking about her degree program. one of our friends jokingly asks her to diagnose him since she's studying psychology. she responds, "well what have you been diagnosed with?" this leads to a slightly bizarre conversation about what we've all been diagnosed with. i didn't want to partake in the conversation, but eventually the question was turned on me. i state, "pmdd," \[premenstrual dysphoric disorder\] because it's true and i thought better just to answer it, and then we can get back inside. my friend (the one studying for the masters) unexpectedly responds, "that's not real. it's a creation of our patriarchal society to pathologize being a woman." \[i'm paraphrasing, but that was basically the gist of it\]. i respond that she's 100% wrong about that, and it's actually not even categorized as a psychiatric problem anymore but an endocrine one because they've been able to isolate the problem with hormone receptors that causes the disorder (in other words, it's totally biological). she says that one of her professors agrees with her about it. i tell her that her professor is totally wrong, and i can send her a bunch of research if she'd like. we drop it there, and we all go back inside. the next day my friend's roommate (who i'm also close to) calls me and says that our friend is really upset that i "questioned her credentials," and undermine her in front of people by saying that she was wrong on this point, because i do not have any medical qualifications (i just know a lot about this particular disorder by virtue of living with it for over a decade). i thought i was totally within my right to correct her since she was the one spreading the misinformation in the first place. but was i the asshole in this situation?

aita for telling my friend she's being taught misinformation in her master's program?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e1kfgl/aita_for_telling_my_friend_shes_being_taught/

2019-11-25 18:38:57

nta. what credentials? she's a master's candidate, not an ms or ma. you should ask your friend what her master's program would think about her handing out diagnoses at the bar to people with whom she has no clinical relationship, or telling someone that their diagnosed medical condition isn't real.

nta, its perfectly reasonable for someone with a medical condition to know more about it than someone who is studying at university. being part way through a masters degree isn't "credentials", its a barely scraped the surface level of introduction to a specialist subject. i've personally had to correct actual medical practitioners about a condition i have (diabetes insipidus), let alone what i'd probably have to correct a medical student on it. so definitely not the asshole here.

>our friend is really upset that i "questioned her credentials," what credentials? >i do not have any medical qualifications neither does she at this stage... nta.

>she says that one of her professors agrees with her about it. i tell her that her professor is totally wrong, and i can send her a bunch of research if she'd like. she and her professors all specialize in psychology. pmdd is no longer a psychiatric disorder, so they've been told they can't diagnose it and it's sexist to attribute problems women have to a period and they need to actually work the real problem, probably. which honestly is a good thing? she's right through the perspective of psychology, and she's not studying anything else. while i say nah, i don't think it was appropriate to bring up a physical disorder in a conversation about psychological disorders, you created your own problem. she is entitled to feel hurt and undermined by you more or less creating a trap for her in the conversation when you didn't have to, and made people think less of her for not knowing something that's not in her field to need to know. but your corrections weren't an asshole move, they were correct and fair.

nta if she’s upset about you questioning her credentials, then you should be more upset with her questioning your legit diagnosis that you’ve suffered with for a decade.

as someone with pmdd, you were 1000% nta. i hate having my disorder minimised or dismissed because it doesn’t fit with the narrative of some feminists. she probably needs to find another field if this is how she reacts to someone revealing their diagnosis.

nta. i have a ms in clinical psychology. not only is she wrong, i would expect her to have more tact and professionalism when it comes to asking other people to disclose diagnoses. i get super irritated with psych students at any level who think they have a right or appropriate ability to diagnose others, but to argue someone else’s already established diagnosis is just vain and unethical.

nah. it sounds like you have more information about this specific issue because it affects you, and that also means that you have a lot more at stake. for you, this isn't a purely intellectual hypothetical conversation. on the other hand, it sounds like her introduction to this particular disorder was through the lens of psychology, not physiology, and she may only have learned about women who were misdiagnosed because of the reasoning she listed. i think it was overly sensitive for her to get upset over you correcting her, even though it's a little embarrassing for anyone to be in that position, but you didn't do anything wrong by explaining what you knew and by asserting that you happen to know more about this issue than she does.

nta, wrong is wrong. you'd think someone studying at such a high level could accept that.

nta > our friend is really upset that i "questioned her credentials," and undermine her in front of people by saying that she was wrong on this point, because i do not have any medical qualifications what credentials and medical qualifications does she have that she can say with certainty your medical diagnosis is a fake disease?

BENIGN