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questionID stringlengths 24 24	questionTitle stringlengths 16 146 ⌀	questionText stringlengths 26 2.7k ⌀	questionUrl stringlengths 34 178	topics stringlengths 5 71 ⌀	therapistName stringlengths 7 64	therapistUrl stringlengths 42 98	answerText stringlengths 11 224k
56abab2c014e2eff2b4fee19	What can I do if I need to talk to someone but I have no money?	I am broke, but I am sure I have been depressed for the past couple of years. I have always had anxiety. I just need someone to talk to right now. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. I'm on the verge of just giving up.	https://counselchat.com/questions/what-can-i-do-if-i-need-to-talk-to-someone-but-i-have-no-money	Depression,Anxiety	Nat Roman	https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto	<p>Good question. There are resources out there - people to talk to. I'd try going to this link and calling the free 24/7 hotline:<a href="http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/"> http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/</a></p>
561ed77ddb761a811c20a28d	What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?	null	https://counselchat.com/questions/what-is-the-proper-procedure-if-your-child-s-therapist-is-leaving-the-practice-to-work-elsewhere	Professional Ethics	Nat Roman	https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto	<p>Generally speaking therapists are obligated to help their clients connect with a new therapist should they require ongoing support and the therapist is no longer able to continue working with them. This may simply mean that the therapist provides some names and numbers for other therapists or agencies that may be appropriate for your child. </p><p>If the therapist is leaving one practice for another and is able to continue seeing the client than that may be arranged and is often the most desired outcome for the sake continuity. Sometimes partners or employers in the original practice may expect and require clients of the practice to be transferred to another therapist within that practice instead of being taken to a new practice. </p>
56aa3e6d055046120c556c8e	My wife doesn't want to have sex.	My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-doesn-t-want-to-have-sex	Marriage,Intimacy,Human Sexuality	Nat Roman	https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto	<p>That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy/couples-therapy-marriage-counselling/">couples counselling</a> or <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy-resources/articles/what-is-sex-therapy">sex therapy</a> as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or sex that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy-resources/videos-additional-therapy-resources/">sexuality and intimacy</a> and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships. </p>
56aa3e6d055046120c556c8e	My wife doesn't want to have sex.	My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-doesn-t-want-to-have-sex	Marriage,Intimacy,Human Sexuality	TINA R. DODSON	https://counselchat.com/therapists/tina-r-dodson	<p>Have you guys ruled out medical disorders. There is new data that post part depression starts in the pregnancy before baby is delivered. There maybe those factors .Please check out those arenas, firstly.</p><p> Then consider marital therapy services. Relationship changes with the time passing and with the time and care deposits of investment onto the relationship bank account.  Thanks for this opportunity to answer some of ya.alls. relationship intimacy concerns.</p>
56aa3e6d055046120c556c8e	My wife doesn't want to have sex.	My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-doesn-t-want-to-have-sex	Marriage,Intimacy,Human Sexuality	Rebecca Wong	https://counselchat.com/therapists/rebecca-wong	<p>I suggest seeking the support of an <a href="https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory">AASECT certified sex therapist</a> to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en">Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship</a>, and/or you might want to sign up for my own <a href="http://connectfulness.leadpages.co/rps/" target="_blank">8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples</a></p>
56ae1df0014e2eff2b4fee3e	I'm dating a boy that my religious parents don't like, and I'm having trouble finding my identity.	I'm a young adult woman, and I have trouble finding my true identity being at home. This all started when I had a boyfriend about 10 months ago. My boyfriend and I were dating for a couple months and decided to get in to sexual acts. At the time, I was pretty religious, but I let this happen. I don't know why. I felt kind of guilty but mostly because I know my parents wouldn't like it. My parents are very religious—they're Christians. We did things every time he'd come over to my house. We didn't have anything to do at our house, so we would get tempted to do things when we'd watch movies by ourselves. One day, my parents found out I did this stuff with him because my dad read my messages. As soon as my dad found this out, he told my mom. They were both aggravated. They told me he was just a boy that wanted to get inside my pants. They said he wanted me for sex and he's not a Christian. I took their advice and broke up with him. Once we broke up for about a month, I decided to get back together with him a little after school started. My parents found out eventually, and I decided to not listen this time. I would constantly talk to my boyfriend about what they say about him: how's he's not the right one for me, and God totally forbids him. I would kind of try to break up with him, and then eventually I would just never listen to my parents. They're always yelling at me about how I shouldn't date this boy. I felt too old to listen to them. Now I'm kind of just stuck. Is the real me religious? Have I been brainwashed by him? I don't talk to my parents anymore about him, and my parents think I'm deceiving because of it. They threatened me that if I'm still with him, I can't do track and they won't support me. They've also called me slut, and now they called me basically a devil worshipper. They say my boyfriend is taking me away from my parents. I'm actually very happy with him. They also say I'm living a separate life at home than I am at school. They say they want what's best for me and love me because they adopted me.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-dating-a-boy-that-my-religious-parents-don-t-like-and-i-m-having-trouble-finding-my-identity	Relationships,Human Sexuality,Family Conflict,Spirituality	Margaret Van Ackeren	https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda	<p>What a tough situation you must be in, feeling torn between your parents and someone who is very special to you. I would say the first thing you want to do is (if you haven't already), have a calm reciprocal conversation with your parents, telling them how you feel and letting them know what you need from them. If communication attempts are unsucessful then you will need to make a decision with how you would like to move forward. You, unfortunately, will not be able to change your parent's feelings or opinions but you can agree to disagree on certain matters by keeping them separate from the relationship you have with your parents. It always helps to try and see things from another angle. You might want to, for example, try and understand your parent's perspectives and let them know you understand that they are upset. Validating other's feelings can be very helpful with communicating effectively. </p><p>Are you living with your parents and do they support you? If so, are you willing to give that up should you decide to not follow their rules? Know that there is nothing wrong with being happy with someone or loving somebody so deeply. Your feelings and actions certainly do not make you brainwashed or a devil worshipper. Not everyone will always approve of the choices we make and sometimes we need to be okay with that. Best of luck to you.<br></p>
56ae9508014e2eff2b4fee5b	My partner is bored of being intimate with me.	My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the "same person" feeling, but how can he get over this?	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-partner-is-bored-of-being-intimate-with-me	Relationships,Intimacy,Human Sexuality	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>I wonder how long "anymore" will be for your boyfriend.</p><p>Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?</span><br></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like.</span></p><p><br></p>
56ae889c014e2eff2b4fee56	How can I forgive myself?	Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-forgive-myself	Self-esteem	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.</p><p>You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame? Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. When was the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in "I'm bad", or "I'm worthless"? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma. </p><p>If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them? <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).</span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Once you take the layers of old "I'm bad" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...</span></p><ul><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I can have compassion for my mistakes.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">There's no purpose to holding on to shame.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Everyone makes mistakes.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.</span></li><li><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.</span></li></ul><div>Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry "it" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock.  You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal.</div><div><br></div><p><br></p>
56ad3338014e2eff2b4fee2d	What should I do if I think my partner is cheating?	How can I know if I'm just being paranoid?	https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-if-i-think-my-partner-is-cheating	Relationships,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Texas,</p><p>Oh, that's a powerful idea, isn't it? It burrows into your head. Let's figure this out. First, has your partner given you any concrete reason not to trust them? Have they cheated before? If not, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence. If it's a "yes", then it's natural that these fears would be triggered and you can simply let your partner know what triggers the fear and what you need. "When you refuse to let me see your phone I worry that you're hiding something. I need openness". If they haven't cheated on you in the past, there are three possible scenarios here. I invite you to take a moment and write down what the evidence is that cheating is going on. What is the specific thing that's triggering your fears? When you have your data recorded, read on...</p><p>The first scenario is that you have been personally hurt in the past by someone else and you've developed fears that you will be hurt again or that you're not enough to keep someone interested (this is just fear...people cheat for their own reasons, not because we're not interesting). This may be true if what you wrote down is "They didn't really do anything wrong...there is no evidence. I'm just scared and suspicious". That's a cue to do some self reflection and calm yourself with thoughts like "nothing has really happened. I can trust."</p><p>If what you wrote down was vague evidence, like for example your partner has been distant or irritable, or you're having less sex than usual, you can try to approach the situation without making assumptions. Trust your gut, but your gut isn't seeing evidence of cheating...it's evidence of "something". Ask your partner what's up with accusations or assumptions.</p><p>The third possibility is that there is some clear evidence that they are cheating. Maybe there are texts on a phone, or someone has told you something they saw. I'd say when there is some evidence, it's okay to present this to your partner and ask what's going on. If this happens repeatedly, and your gut is screaming and there are only excuses or explanations that don't make sense, then it's okay to do a bit of "research" and be extra aware of what's going on around you. </p><p>I hope that helps. </p>
56b266f0c2bfe0f729d6e738	My daughter calls me crazy, and I’m not sure how to handle that.	I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-daughter-calls-me-crazy-and-i-m-not-sure-how-to-handle-that	Parenting,Relationship Dissolution ,Family Conflict	Bridget Borsdorf	https://counselchat.com/therapists/bridget-borsdorf	<p>It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be "choosing" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too. </p><p><br></p>
5670b5124c6f6bda188fb893	How can I stop abusing alcohol?	I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-abusing-alcohol	Addiction,Substance Abuse	Bridget Borsdorf	https://counselchat.com/therapists/bridget-borsdorf	<p>This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change. </p>
55e2299ea4803564117ec302	I have a tendency to not finish tasks I set my heart/mind to.	I've been struggling with it for a test and I'm starting to believe it's something mental. What could it be?	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-a-tendency-to-not-finish-tasks-i-set-my-heart-mind-to	null	Barika Grayson LMHC, NCC	https://counselchat.com/therapists/barika-grayson-lmhc-ncc	<p>Hello in Jacksonville, </p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">It sounds like you are struggling with motivation to either take or study for a test.  There could be several different causes.  If you were being seen at my </span><a href="http://www.counselflorida.com/Services.html" target="_blank" style="line-height: 1.42857; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">practice</a><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">, I would ask you to describe your self-talk when engaging in these activities, during the different phases ie. in beginning, after a few days, and after few weeks.  Negative self-talk leads to increased disinterest and eventually tasks not being completed.  It is great that you recognize that you have the tendency to not complete tasks that you start.  Some questions that would be great to explore with a therapist are:</span><br></p><ul><li> how often you start and stop tasks without completing them?</li><li>how you are feeling when you choose to start/ stop a project/task?</li><li>how many tasks do you complete?  Sometimes we need to recognize list our accomplishments so that they do not go unnoticed.   </li><li>Do you ever feel like you are working against yourself?</li></ul><p>A licensed <a href="http://www.counselflorida.com">counselor in Jacksonville</a> will be able to asses you and rule out or diagnose self-sabotaging, depression, anxiety or other possible contributing factors.  </p><p><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Remember to continue to provide yourself daily motivation and encouragement towards your goals.</span></p><p><span style="font-style: italic;"><br></span></p><p><br></p><p><br></p>
5670b5124c6f6bda188fb893	How can I stop abusing alcohol?	I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-abusing-alcohol	Addiction,Substance Abuse	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this.  </p><p>How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain.</p><p>The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed.  Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months.</p><p>Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family.</p><p>With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet.</p><p>So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed.</p><p>Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented.</p><p>If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this.</p><p>Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people.  Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect.</p><p><br></p><p>Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all.  the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs.</p><p>See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something "wrong".</p><p>This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place.</p><p>Good luck!</p>
56b280d7c2bfe0f729d6e73e	Should we put off kids until my husband is mentally cured?	My boyfriend is seeking therapy. He is in his 40s and has some childhood issues. He has kids from his previous ex-wife and is unable to see them.	https://counselchat.com/questions/should-we-put-off-kids-until-my-husband-is-mentally-cured	Relationships,Trauma	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Probably the more important questions to answer concern how much confidence you have in you and your boyfriend becoming parents, how you each feel about the influence of his being banned from seeing his current children, and be clear about the circumstances that led up to the decision of him not being permitted to see his kids.</p><p>Don't allow some random professional to pronounce your boyfriend as cured.  A relatively qualified therapist would never make this call.</p><p>Psychological and emotional tensions emerge from our relationships within families.  You and your boyfriend are in a position to set a strong foundation for having children, assuming each of you wants children.</p><p>Childhood issues, your boyfriend's, anyone's, are more likely to go away when new patterns of interacting emerge.</p><p>If the two of you are engaged in setting a secure relationship as future parents, the disappointments and hurt from the very early years, will be replaced by better ways of interacting.</p><p><br></p>
56b26c2bc2bfe0f729d6e73a	How can I take my emotional support animal to school?	I have severe anxiety and have tried everything. Everything makes it worst.The only thing that helps is my emotional support animal.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-take-my-emotional-support-animal-to-school	Anxiety	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Sorry to read of your suffering.</p><p>Is it actually permitted that people are able to take support animals to school?</p><p>I see your point of the animal helping you.  I just also see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander, or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroom.</p><p>You may end up feeling worse, if when you bring your support animal to school, that it disturbs people or interferes with the routines of the class.</p><p>For your anxiety, I suggest some loving kindness toward yourself.  Be patient with yourself and that you have anxiety.  If you're able to accept that some situations create great discomfort for you, maybe you'll tolerate these difficult situation.</p><p>Embrace your anxiety as part of you, basically, rather than trying to banish it, which because it actually is part of you, is impossible to achieve.</p><p>In a way, I'm suggesting you become your own "support animal".  Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see if you feel a little less stressed in school.</p>
56b30469c2bfe0f729d6e74e	My husband was lying about drinking again.	My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-was-lying-about-drinking-again	Addiction,Marriage,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Los Angeles,</p><p>So your husband is giving you mixed messages. He says he's willing to cut back on the drinking, but he drinks and hides it. His behaviour is passive aggressive and immature, which puts you into this position of having to act like a disapproving parent. It sounds more like you're talking about an out-of-control teenager than your partner. </p><p>Your husband's lying is sending a message. "I get to make my own decisions and you can't stop me" might be it. Underneath that, maybe it's "I want to stop but I'm ashamed that I can't and I don't want you to see my failures". Ultimately, as an adult, he gets to decide what he puts in his mouth and if you try to manage that by monitoring how many beers he has, you are pretty certain to get some fallout... pushback...backlash...  </p><p>How does his drinking affect you? That's where your voice has power, rather than in counting his beers or setting him up to lie (when he's passed out, asking if he's been drinking seems confusing). You've mentioned snoring, which I guess is a legitimate complaint. If he's passing out, that's a legitimate complaint. When he drinks does he drive, act aggressively, or 'check out of' the relationship (avoid you)? All of these things are legitimate concerns, and I'd stick to talking about those rather than counting beers. My guess is he has few other ways to cope with stress, so he checks out with alcohol, and it also helps him avoid your relationship. But the problem is it makes it worse; the more he avoids you, then more you chase him with your questions.</p><p>There's a conversation that would be helpful here.  It sounds like "I've tried to support you in your drinking less, and it's not working. What are your goals for alcohol and how can I support you in that more effectively?" I'd like to see you in a place where you're not micromanaging his drinking, but focusing on the things that affect you. What concrete supportive methods can you use with his agreement? Can we get the alcohol out of the house? Is he willing to seek treatment? </p><p>Lay your expectations out really clearly. "I won't count your beers, but I can't tolerate lying". You have to decide what's more important; is it really the number of beers, or is it something else. What do you need to happen in order to want to remain in the marriage? What does he need? Does he let you know what isn't okay with him? He might have trouble saying these things. </p><p>The drinking is only a part of the complex dynamic in your marriage. A qualified therapist can assist in pulling this apart, understanding it, and changing the way you relate to each other. </p>
56b266f0c2bfe0f729d6e738	My daughter calls me crazy, and I’m not sure how to handle that.	I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-daughter-calls-me-crazy-and-i-m-not-sure-how-to-handle-that	Parenting,Relationship Dissolution ,Family Conflict	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Arkansas, </p><p>Your situation sounds like a case of parental alienation. Your ex-partner unfortunately has the power to say things to your children that poison their relationship with you. It's a form of woman abuse and child abuse. He's likely doing this to hurt you and have power over you, and he's not considering how it's affecting the kids. I've seen this happen in many families; parents who once had a strong loving relationship with their children suddenly feel abandoned in favor of the other parent. In some cases, children actually stop having contact with one parent, who is left bewildered and powerless. It's your ex's job to support your relationship with your kids, not try to destroy it. </p><p>While you can't change his behaviours, and I think you know that, there are things you can do for yourself and your kids. </p><p>For your children, you can refuse to enter into the war he's setting up. He's trying to provoke you into acting "crazy", but you don't have to fall for this. If you run around screaming "he's lying!", it only makes you look more 'crazy'. Try to stay calm, and don't put their dad down to them, no matter how tempting it is. One day, they may be ready to hear the truth of your relationship with their father, but wait until they ask. Trust that they have their own experience of their dad, and trust that he doesn't have the power to destroy their love for you. Children, in the long term, lose respect for parents who denigrate the other parent. They see who their dad is already, I'd bet, but they don't know how to cope with that. If he's the only one fighting a war, you're helping them feel less trapped in a parental conflict. Don't engage on his level. </p><p>Don't blame your children completely. Although I have to say that for them to call you names like crazy is not acceptable and you don't need to tolerate that disrespect, try to deal with this behaviour without bringing their dad into it. They are acting out their father's agenda, likely because they instinctively see his weakness. Children often support the weaker parent, rather than abandon them. You get the worst because they trust your love. But you can still have boundaries. Letting them abuse you isn't the answer, but have compassion for their position. This picture isn't their fault, but as adults, they can be held accountable for their choices.</p><p>Reassure yourself that you are the mom you know you are. You don't need them to gush all over you in order to know that you made sacrifices. Hold onto the likelihood that some day, they will come back and be grateful. It may take a while, you can't rush it, but they will see you for who you are. Your power is in giving them a consistently calm, generous, connected, supportive mom who refuses to play games or be walked on. </p><p>I'd recommend trying to connect with other parents who experience this phenomenon, or a therapist who can reinforce these goals and help keep you grounded. Good luck!</p><p><br></p>
56b162d9c2bfe0f729d6e72d	Why am I so angry and jealous?	I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing!	https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-so-angry-and-jealous	Self-esteem	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize.</p><p>Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list.  Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life.  Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it.</p><p>First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living.  Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having.  I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties.</p><p>Second, respect your unique identity.  For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others.</p><p>As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development.</p><p>Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive.  Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals.</p><p>I hope this helps!</p><p><br></p>
56b354ffc2bfe0f729d6e753	I need help with my severe claustrophobia, motorphobia, and anxiety.	I've been having this ongoing problem for most of my life now. I am a young adult, and right now, driving and even being a passenger gives me terrible panic attacks and anxiety. I can't ride in the backseat or the front seat with the safety belt on. I have to lean the seat back a bit because the pressure on my back terrifies me. I miss so many opportunities to go places with friends and family because of my fears of having a panic attack. My family offers little to no support. They think it's fake or "all in my head." It makes me feel guilty and at times depressed to the point where I'd rather never wake up anymore. I am not self-harming, I just feel meaningless. This constant fear has taken over my thoughts and my life. I was such a happy person. I want my life back. I want to travel with my friends and family again, but I don't know how. I've almost given up hope on getting better and just accepting the fact that I'll live with this anxiety forever.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-need-help-with-my-severe-claustrophobia-motorphobia-and-anxiety	Anxiety,Depression,Self-esteem	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Not having support from your family for such a significant problem, is a problem itself.</p><p>How about your friends, are any of them nurturing or treat you kindly when you bring up that you've got this problem?</p><p>Are any of your friends willing to accommodate the fact that right now you've got panic attacks from driving and being a passenger?</p><p>Maybe being and feeling accepted while you're in this current phase of your life, would help diminish the panic attacks.</p><p>If no support is coming to you, then a next step would be to evaluate the relationships in your life and to develop standards and expectations of others, especially that they are considerate of your great need at this time.</p><p>Its possible you are bearing the emotional burden of a lot more people in your life than yourself.</p><p>If no one wants to show they care about this situation, then release yourself from trying to please and satisfy everyone's wish that you be better, while they ignore your need for their support.</p><p>Be realistic in what you're able to give back to people who want to be blind to your emotional need.</p><p>Thinking this way will at first raise your anxiety level from fear of losing everyone.  Eventually, you'll stabilize within yourself and know that all you're asking for is some support for having a tough time. </p><p>Hopefully, the others will be more responsive to you.</p><p>If they don't you still know that you're being reasonable for what you'd like.</p>
56b30469c2bfe0f729d6e74e	My husband was lying about drinking again.	My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-was-lying-about-drinking-again	Addiction,Marriage,Intimacy	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.</p><p>Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?</p><p>Does he care about you more than drinking?</p><p>Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.</p><p>Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.</p><p>Your happiness matters.  His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.</span><br></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing.  He doesn't sound like this, at least now.</span></p><p><br></p>
56ad1ad2014e2eff2b4fee2b	My father has always been horrible to me.	My suppose-to-be father told me to go find my real dad. We haven't been getting along since I was a teenager. If I said one thing that he thought was wrong, I always got degraded. He never said “I love you.” He never gave us hugs. He’s always called me horrible names. I feel he's an evil man with no feelings.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-father-has-always-been-horrible-to-me	Family Conflict,Trauma	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Louisiana, You got it right...he's "supposed to be" your father. It's tough enough being adopted (unless I'm reading it wrong, I think you're adopted); what you don't need is to be verbally abused by someone who's supposed to love and protect you. I don't know how old you are (past teen years though), or where your mom is, but I bet there are other people in your life who treat you differently. It's your right to spend your time with the people who love you properly. That's a really important part of learning how to be happy...carefully choosing who's going to be in your life. It's tricky to put emotional distance between you and your supposed-to-be father, but it's possible...physical distance (avoid him if you don't trust you'll be treated with respect), and emotional distance (feeling less connected to and affected by his relationship disability). I think you're already doing that part because you don't blame yourself for his words, which is wonderful. I don't know if he's evil (although I believe evil exists), but he may be incapable of loving properly, or lacking empathy, as you suggest. </p><p>A good therapist can support you in these goals. I wish you the best in your growth as an independent adult. :)</p>
56ba06fe92c6c8121977a0dd	Can a person be mean towards another person if that person was treated poorly before?	I keep being mean to my best friend, and I don't know why all the time. I did come to maybe some kind of conclusion that it is because my mother is mean to me all the time. Could that be a cause?	https://counselchat.com/questions/can-a-person-be-mean-towards-another-person-if-that-person-was-treated-poorly-before	Family Conflict,Social Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Morristown,</p><p>There's a saying that goes "hurt people hurt people". It's possible that your aggression towards your friends is connected to your mother's behaviours. When we are treated poorly, especially as children, it affects how we ourselves, others, and the world. It's also powerful modelling of aggressive behaviour. </p><p>The good news is that you have this lovely awareness and I think a desire to learn about yourself and grow in your ability to be respectful to people you care about. I recommend you consider sitting down with a therapist and exploring these ideas and moving forward on that path you seem to want to be on. Good luck!</p>
56b952d092c6c8121977a0d3	I get so angry that I want to explode.	I've got so much anger. I don't know how to control myself. My girlfriend screams at me all the time, and sometime I don't know how to deal with life. I'm very depressed and angry. I feel lost.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-get-so-angry-that-i-want-to-explode	Anger Management,Depression,Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Campbell River, </p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">You say you have anger but you don't mention how it shows. Or maybe it doesn't. Are you aggressive with your girlfriend? Since you mention depression, I wonder if you're bottling it all up somewhere instead of letting it show at all. If this is the case, I admire your ability to not lash out at someone who's hurting you. However, if they are totally  unexpressed, a</span>nger <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">turn inward and shift into depression. When she yells at you, what do you do? Is this the moment that you feel the most angry? I wouldn't be surprised; anger is a normal response to someone yelling at you. </span><br></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Something about anger...it's often there to cover up our more vulnerable emotions. Under the anger I wonder if you feel worthless, powerless, scared, unloved. Part of the trick to reducing anger is identifying those other emotions and expressing them. </span><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">You say you don't know how to deal with life, and I think maybe you mean you don't know how to deal with emotions. Lots of people don't! This is confusing for most of us. What am I feeling? Why is it so strong? I'm afraid to express it for fear of hurting someone (or falling apart, or feeling alone...). How do I know what to express and what to be quiet about? </span><br></p><p>These are all great questions to ask yourself, and a qualified therapist can help you sort it all out and support you in your growth. I wish you well!</p>
56b85f7392c6c8121977a0c7	Is it wrong to be antisocial around people?	I've been getting told lately by my partner that it’s embarrassing that I'm so antisocial around his family and friends. I believe it's because I'm not as social as him.	https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-to-be-antisocial-around-people	Social Relationships,Relationships,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Buffalo, I think you're right; your partner's reactions are about him. I have to say it's a cruel thing to say to someone you love...that you're "embarrassed by them". The subtext says "You're not good enough", and I love that you can reject that false message.</p><p>You don't have to be different for anyone. If he can't accept you for who you are, what is he doing with you? Your social habits (unless they are extreme...like you refuse to go anywhere) aren't a reflection on him; it's just you being you. Also, and I'm sure you've found this...the more he judges you, the more difficult it is for you to be the confident, outgoing person he wants you to be...so his method of trying to change you doesn't even work!</p><p>I think that's the crux...he's trying to change you. What does that make you want to do? </p>
56b8162592c6c8121977a0c3	I'm worried that there's something wrong with the guy I love.	I met a guy a while ago, and I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I love him, but I don't think I know him. What if he is not who I think he is? I cry sometimes thinking someone is going to be with him or that he has a girlfriend. I don't know, am I too obsessive? Every time we talk though, it's like magic. He makes me feel amazing, but what if I'm mistaken?	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-that-there-s-something-wrong-with-the-guy-i-love	Relationships,Anxiety	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Keller, it sounds like you're living this relationship in your mind, instead of in the real world. You can get answers to your questions by talking to him...getting to know him will answer all the curiosities you have. You're asking the questions in your head instead of being in the friendship. </p><p>So what is it that gets in the way of actually asking the questions and getting to know him? Fear of rejection? Fear of something else? If you have fear that keeps you from having fulfilling friendships, I recommend a therapist to help you work through that. I wish you well. :)</p>
56b44b944224b979098e1409	I'm depressed and unable to connect with people after my breakup.	A girl and I were madly in love. We dated for over a year and were even talking about marriage and future plans together. She moved away for school, and we attempted a long distance relationship. We eventually broke up. It's been a year now, and I still haven't lost my feelings for her. I still love her the same way I did. I've suffered from depression ever since the breakup and have been unable to connect with anyone else. It's damaging me and my life.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-depressed-and-unable-to-connect-with-people-after-my-breakup	Relationship Dissolution ,Depression,Social Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Boise, I'm sorry that you've lost this love. The fact that you were planning marriage and a future tells me that you meant something very special to each other at that time. It's different now...you're not together anymore, but you can't accept this, right? Good for you for identifying that this situation is damaging your life. You've been grieving for longer than you were together. Oh, but really you've not been grieving...you're stuck still loving her instead of moving forward. Unrequited love is a recipe for eternal heartache. Let's look at some possible blocks to moving forward.</p><p>It could be that there's something unfinished for you. Maybe you felt hurt and you didn't have the chance to say so, or you felt you hurt her and you didn't have the chance to make it right. Maybe there's a burning question you need to ask or something else you need to say. Maybe you want to tell her you've never stopped loving her, and see if she feels the same way. If this is the case, you have two choices, right? You can reach out and say what you need to say, or you can stop ruminating on that question and let it go. If you reach out, there's no guarantee it will go well or that she'll even respond. Maybe write her a letter and don't send it (or send it...it might be worth the risk). Use the next paragraph to help you decide. </p><p>Do you know how she feels? How did it end? Did she end it? Was it ended just because of the distance, or are there more differences between you that didn't work? Sometimes people are so in love that they can't clearly see that the other person isn't in love with them anymore. Use the information you have about what she wants for her life...can you honour what she says she needs? If she's asked for distance, you would do well to honour that.</p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">A key to moving forward: look at your thoughts and where they're getting stuck. Write it down. What bad thing can happen if you let it go? Or "If I move forward, that will mean..."  Keep going...what would be the worst part of that?  This kind of exploring can help you identify your stuck place.</span></p><p>It is possible that you've turned this ending into some kind of negative meaning about you or your future. As in "If this person doesn't love me, then I'm unlovable", or "No one will ever love me as much as she did". So your need to cling to her in your heart is your way of rejecting that negative message about yourself or the future. Can you find another way to reject that message? Try saying these things to yourself:</p><ul><li>I know she loved me. There is evidence of that.</li><li>I was a good partner. There is evidence of that.</li><li>It's part of life to fall in love and then have to move forward...I can do this and learn from it.</li><li>Many people like me...that's how I know I'm lovable.</li><li>It's normal to feel sad. I'm grieving a lost love.</li><li>I want to move forward and not stare in the rearview mirror.</li><li>I know more love awaits me if I can get fear out of the way.</li><li>If this person loved me, others can too, (but not if I'm clinging to some old memory)</li></ul><div>These are the kinds of things a therapist would explore with you. I wish you well!</div><div><br></div>
56bd08b04e568f192e1bfb84	How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?	I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-learn-to-let-go-of-past-problems-and-live-one-day-at-a-time	Social Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Chapel Hill, </p><p>I like your goal; research is telling us more and more that one of the most important keys to happiness is having healthy relationships. If we feel successful in that area, it can give us the confidence and hope to tackle anything life throws at us.</p><p>There are personal barriers we all have to having healthy relationships; it's our "stuff", our "baggage" (not a steam trunk, right...you have a cute little Gucci bag!). </p><p>You hint that people may have hurt you in the past. Maybe fear says "stay away...hold onto resentment or you will be hurt again!". Resentment, or simply focusing on the past is certainly a barrier to improving any relationship. Learning to forgive ourselves and others is so important. And remember...forgiveness isn't about saying something was okay; it only means "It happened, I can't change that, and I don't want to carry it (anger, hurt, resentment) around anymore, so I let it go."</p><p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: 'Open Sans', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 20px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span>Or...sometimes fear tells us that people won't accept us; this keeps us isolated for sure! But really, all fear wants is power over us. Fear is a trickster! It tells us that if we let go of the past, we will be rejected or hurt. It says "I'm trying to protect you!", but what it REALLY wants is to paralyze and isolate us all so it can feel powerful. Once you pull the sheeps clothing off of fear, you can see that it doesn't help you at all!</p><p>Once you see where your personal barriers are, and you start to refute those thoughts in your mind, you can begin to build new ideas about yourself and other people that are based on compassion instead of fear... </p><ul><li>Everyone deserves forgiveness and compassion.</li><li>No one deserves to be judged by their worst moments.</li><li>If I look in the rearview mirror, I can't move forward.</li><li>We are all beautifully imperfect.</li><li>I can't change the past, but I have the power to make the future good.</li></ul><div>I wish you the best on your journey!</div><p><br></p>
56bc606c4e568f192e1bfb74	How can I get my fiancé to notice me again?	My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-fianc-to-notice-me-again	Relationships,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Rockford, While no relationship is "perfect", and it's natural for the passionate beginnings of a relationship to lessen with time, because we have established the trust and love needed as a foundation and we don't have to smother each other with attention anymore, your situation sounds like something different. </p><p>"He has no time for me"... yet you don't fight. Hmmm...Is it that you don't fight because you don't bring up what's bothering you? Are you avoiding conflict? Many people do. What do you fear would happen if you let him know how you feel about his recent pulling away? As an engaged couple, now is a really good time to see what happens when you bring a concern to your fiance. Better to find out now what happens when you rock the boat by being real. Or maybe you have spoken to him about it. If so, what happens? Does he listen and help you understand him better? Or does he avoid and reassure you...or maybe dismiss you? This is really important data to gather about how your fiance handles conflict and how you work together. </p><p>He says "leave me alone". That's a pretty bold statement about what he wants. He doesn't seem to have the same idea that you do about what marriage is, and how close you want to be. Plus, I have to say, those words sound more like what a closed-off fourteen year old would say to a parent than a loving fiance to his bride to be! </p><p>Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that your fiance is scared about getting married and this is a temporary reaction that will change. But if this is true, he needs to tell you that so you can understand. </p><p>So, I suggest that the fact that when you're together you're "okay" is perhaps not the best barometer for how you're doing as a couple. Listen to your gut. I encourage you to be really open with your fiance about what your feelings and fears are. This may get rockier before it gets better, but until you face what's not working, you won't know who you truly are as a couple.  </p><p>When you're engaged, it's a really cool time to see a therapist too...to get some conflict resolution skills down before you're a married couple. </p>
56bd6cfa4e568f192e1bfb8a	I have voices in my head.	They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-voices-in-my-head	Behavioral Change,Depression	Angie Stones	https://counselchat.com/therapists/angie-stones	<p>This can certainly be a side effect of some medications. If the voices are so powerful that you can not sleep or they are constantly present, you shouldn't wait any time, but go and see your doctor straight away. <br></p>
56bd08b04e568f192e1bfb84	How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?	I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-learn-to-let-go-of-past-problems-and-live-one-day-at-a-time	Social Relationships	Angie Stones	https://counselchat.com/therapists/angie-stones	<p>Remember, the past no longer exists and the future is just an illusion as we don't know what will happen tomorrow, so take the present as your guide. That is all we can do, so keep saying this to yourself and try to help someone each day.  The happiness is helping others to feel a bit better. <br></p>
56ba553e4e568f192e1bfb2b	Am I a lesbian because I love a girl?	I’m in love with my friend who is also a girl. I fell in love with her in a few months. That was my first love. We used to talk for the whole day and night over the phone and on Facebook. I thought she had the same feelings for me, but I was wrong. I always wanted to touch her warmly and stay with her all my life. But all my dreams get broken apart after she got into a relationship with a guy. I’ve tried to be in relationship with guys, but I can’t be in love with them.	https://counselchat.com/questions/am-i-a-lesbian-because-i-love-a-girl	LGBTQ,Relationships,Intimacy	Angie Stones	https://counselchat.com/therapists/angie-stones	<p>It all depends how old you are and what a particular situation is.  You may be feeling very close to this friend and mistake that feeling for sexual feeling, or the feelings may be real. This is something you will find out for yourself, however, it definitely doesn't mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person. Time will tell, but if you need to discuss this, you could see your school councelor (if you are at school/university) or find a LGBT group with meetings and discuss this with them. I hope this is helpful.<br></p>
56bd6cfa4e568f192e1bfb8a	I have voices in my head.	They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-voices-in-my-head	Behavioral Change,Depression	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.</p><p>if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.</p><p>Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having.</p><p>"Crazy" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.</p><p>Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.</p><p>Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors. </p>
56b769b392c6c8121977a0b6	Is it wrong that I'm married and I have a best friend that's like a sister to me?	null	https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-that-i-m-married-and-i-have-a-best-friend-that-s-like-a-sister-to-me	Marriage,Social Relationships,Intimacy	Angie Stones	https://counselchat.com/therapists/angie-stones	<p>Although we all want (or wish) that our partner is also our best friend, in reality this doesn't always happen. There may be issues, of course and there are many things to consider there, such as "why do we need" another person to confide in, or are we actually attracted to this "best friend" but because we know we can't have them we put this thought behind etc. etc. Is this friend and old friend, an old flame or a new acquired friend; the latter is complicated and probably the most questionable, in my view. So, many things to think about and there is no one answer fits all.<br></p>
56bd60ba4e568f192e1bfb88	i need answers to my angry, possessiveness, and urges	I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges. I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me?	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-need-answers-to-my-angry-possessiveness-and-urges	Anger Management,Social Relationships,Relationships	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe?</p><p><br></p><p>Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others.</p><p><br></p><p>Since you ask, "what is wrong with me?", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return.</p><p>This is true even with imagining doing harm to others.</p><p>What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others?</p><p>Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being?</p>
56bd08b04e568f192e1bfb84	How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?	I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-learn-to-let-go-of-past-problems-and-live-one-day-at-a-time	Social Relationships	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Would you describe yourself as sensitive to your surroundings and emotions?</p><p>If yes, this may explain why letting go of past problems, is itself a problem.</p><p>The dynamic of living one day at a time and letting go of past problems, is more imaginary and wishful than real.</p><p>It is a popular notion of TV, FB, and media.</p><p>Doing the letting go, has nothing to do with what is actually possible to do.</p><p>Problems are not "let go", they are resolved somehow.</p><p>Living one day at a time isn't possible for anyone who has consciousness.  No one can really disconnect from reality every day on which they wake up.</p><p>Instead of trying to do the impossible which is promoted online and in media, allow yourself time to recognize what went into creating a problem in your life, in the first place.  </p><p>Understanding problems leads to peacefulness and resolution.  Then you will have more freedom to make new relationships.</p><p>Also, be patient with this process and yourself.</p><p>If you have deep attachment to painful situations in your life, then possibly now is your time for understanding what went wrong.</p><p>This is a process which cannot be rushed if it is to be done well.</p><p>If it is done thoroughly, then you very naturally will bring new relationships into your life.</p><p>And life will no longer feel so painful that you can only manage "one day at a time" without hurting.  You won't need to forget what happened yesterday. </p>
56bc606c4e568f192e1bfb74	How can I get my fiancé to notice me again?	My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-fianc-to-notice-me-again	Relationships,Intimacy	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Your situation sounds a little painful.</p><p>Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fiancé?</p><p>Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling.</p><p>Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors.</p><p>Also, in the moment of when your fiancé texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this.   Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you.</p><p>And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him. </p><p>Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him.  This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way.</p>
56bbf21a4e568f192e1bfb6e	I think I have anxiety and depression. It has manifested an extreme distrust for others.	My husband and I are in a terrible place. Part of me wants to fix it, but then I'm caught up with not knowing how and not being able to communicate my feelings to him because he always feels I'm blaming him. Sometimes I am because the feelings of distrust are so strong. I feel they must be coming from something he's doing, but sometimes I know I'm being irrational. Still, that doesn't stop the anxiety. The other half of the time, I just want to walk away, but I feel like that will only be a temporary fix.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-think-i-have-anxiety-and-depression-it-has-manifested-an-extreme-distrust-for-others	Depression,Anxiety,Behavioral Change,Marriage	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>You may be pressuring yourself to be the one person who fixes the relationship.  </p><p>This is impossible because the relationship belongs to both of you.</p><p>Has he told you whether he feels about himself that how he interacts with you, is contributing to problems in the couple?</p><p>Is he willing to understand what you're asking of him, without shutting down with whatever he is feeling when he feels blamed?</p><p>Your feelings of distrust are the natural outcome of not being properly heard and understood.  He's not willing to listen to you, so of course you're frustrated and this frustration comes out in all sorts of uneasy feelings.</p><p>Willingness to hear each other in a non-defensive way, sometimes requires a couples therapist's assistance.</p><p>Ask your husband if he's willing to understand, not judge you.  Be willing yourself to do the same.</p><p>If after trying and getting nowhere, you'll know when to stop trying on your own as a couple and to find a specifically trained couples therapists.</p><p>Warning, not all therapists are trained to do couples therapy.  Ask the therapist if they've had specialized training in couples therapy.</p><p>Otherwise, having a referee type therapy session of, "what do you think", "what do you think?", isn't going to do anything except frustrate both of you further.</p><p>Good luck!</p>
56b4159ec2bfe0f729d6e762	How do you get over someone cheating on you when you are trying to make it work?	My boyfriend of five years told me he cheated on me during our relationship after we broke up. We've since gotten back together and are trying to make it work. I don't know how to trust him now, but I really want to make it work, and it seems like he does too. But my trust issues are getting in the way and causing problems.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-you-get-over-someone-cheating-on-you-when-you-are-trying-to-make-it-work	Intimacy,Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Michigan,</p><p>This is a common issue. How do you trust after you know someone is capable of hurting you? I totally get that it's hard, and I believe it's worth it if you truly love and want to be with someone. You can be stronger in the scarred places. </p><p>I would suggest that you each have a separate job to do to rebuild this trust. It is definitely possible to rebuild it, because anything is possible if both people want it enough.</p><p>Your boyfriend came clean to you...this is pretty crucial. He chose to honour your needs rather than keep the secret. You can use that as evidence in your "proof that he loves me" file. Work on that file...thicken it up. Having a thick "he does care about me and wouldn't hurt me again" file will help you. </p><p>Other things that <span style="font-weight: bold;">he</span> can do to help you thicken that file (because after all, his behaviours caused this problem): answer all your questions, don't brush you off if you're feeling insecure, treat you as though you're a priority, avoid questionable contact with other women, have open communication, give you passwords to devices so there is transparency. He can help you to understand where those behaviours came from...why he cheated in the first places (although people aren't always good with those 'why' questions!)</p><p>You can focus on telling yourself that people change, that he deserves a chance to show you he can be loyal (or at least you've decided to give him that chance), and that you want to be a trusting person. If you act like a trusting person, you will likely feel more like one. Don't go snooping, don't interrogate him. It's normal you might feel scared and try to tell him that when you do. Let him know what happens that leads to you feeling scared.</p><p>This is a start for you. A good therapist can be helpful too!</p>
56bacf8c4e568f192e1bfb5d	Can my marriage be saved?	I have been married for ten years. My husband is 29 years my senior. We have a young daughter. Ever since she was born, my husband has "shut down." We have no intimacy; he doesn't even kiss me. I've told him how I feel for years, and he swears he loves me and wants to make me happy, but I still have to literally beg for sex and affection. My self-esteem is gone, and I feel so alone. He has stranded me. He uses his passive-aggressive ways and ignores every comment I make. He refuses to talk to me in detail.	https://counselchat.com/questions/can-my-marriage-be-saved-2	Relationships,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Smyrna,</p><p>Your husband is avoiding dealing with this problem. I understand how lonely you must feel, not only sexually, but emotionally too.</p><p>From what you describe, it seems that he<span style="font-style: italic;"> wants to</span> be there for you, but he clearly has barriers to engaging fully around this issue. My hunch is that he doesn't know what to do or how to talk to you. But I think he does have something to say.</p><p>Your husband is 29 years older and you've been together for ten years...that puts you at around thirty perhaps and him at almost sixty? Has any wise older woman sat you down to explain that men sometimes have erectile issues or hormone-related low sex drive as they age? It's <span style="font-style: italic;">possible</span> that your husband is bewildered, angry, grieving or anxious about changes in his sex drive or his ability to maintain an erection, and that he doesn't know how to talk to you about this. He may feel like he's letting you down, and he's scared it will get worse, so he's sticking his head in the sand. Of course, that doesn't help, does it?</p><p>The worst case scenario is that you get angry or hopeless, that he senses danger or disapproval from you and pulls away even further in shame. Eventually, you stop chasing him, and you drift further apart. </p><p>It's a bit of a conundrum...how to honour both your need for connection and honesty and his need for a safe place to explore his fears and insecurities. Maybe lower your expectations for a bit? Your husband will need to believe that you are a safe place to share his fears, and you would need to hold onto the fact that he's really scared, and that he's not rejecting you...just protecting himself.</p><p>I would suggest having a gentle conversation that sounds something like "Sweetheart, we both know that something's not right here. I think you've been trying to handle this on your own or hoping it would get better, but can we agree that it's not? I need you to either talk to me about what's happening, or please go see a doctor. What I need is to see that you are doing some little step to help us. Either of those things would show me that."</p><p>In the end, you need to know that he's heard you and that he's willing to look at the issue in some way. If he does neither, then at least you know where you stand and you can decide whether to live in a sexless marriage. </p><p>I wonder if showing him this answer to your question might help? Just a thought. </p>
56b266f0c2bfe0f729d6e738	My daughter calls me crazy, and I’m not sure how to handle that.	I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-daughter-calls-me-crazy-and-i-m-not-sure-how-to-handle-that	Parenting,Relationship Dissolution ,Family Conflict	Madison Van Meter	https://counselchat.com/therapists/madison-van-meter	<p>Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself. </p>
56c3f53a8fa38a5a4e2e1f1b	Why do I throw all my stuff away?	I constantly have this urge to throw away all my stuff. It’s constantly on my mind and makes me feel anxious. I don’t sleep because I’m thinking about something I can get rid of. I don’t know why I do it. I started years ago when I lived with my dad then I stopped when I moved in with my mom. Years later, it has started again.	https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-throw-all-my-stuff-away	Anxiety,Behavioral Change	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Since you wrote that you noticed a change in your throwing away urge when you changed with which parent you lived, would you feel that throwing away things is connected to wanting to be done with certain areas of influence with either parent?</p><p>Play in your mind with the metaphor of "throwing away" and whatever associations you feel toward this.  Are you feeling alarmed or freed, by throwing away things?  I'm only suggesting these, not telling you that they apply necessarily.</p><p>Anxiety comes up when people feel helpless to manage a meaningful part of their lives.  So pay attention whether your stuff represents difficult scenarios or phases of your growing up years.   Possibly you are trying to rid yourself of painful feelings which were part of your early years' relationship with either parent.</p><p>Basically, sounds as though you are trying to establish a clearer sense of who you are and the throwing away part is a means of discovering who you are, once all the clutter is released.</p>
56c4375e8fa38a5a4e2e1f1d	I need to know how to cope with misophonia before I go completely insane.	The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headaches—mostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-need-to-know-how-to-cope-with-misophonia-before-i-go-completely-insane	Anger Management	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.</p><p>If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.</p><p>Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.</p><p>Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.</p><p>I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.</p><p>One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.</p><p>Your needs matter.</p>
56c3da858fa38a5a4e2e1f17	I'm questioning my sexuality.	I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-questioning-my-sexuality	LGBTQ	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Brentwood, While our society tends to want to put us into categories...slots...when it comes to sexuality, because this is nice and neat and convenient...many people find that they don't fit perfectly into one or the other. All you have to do is exactly what you're doing; be aware of yourself and allow yourself to explore these thoughts and emotions both alone and in connection with a safe partner. The people who love you will continue to love you as you sort through this. You can resist the temptation to please others by giving yourself a label. We are attracted to, and fall in love with, people...and we can't always predict what gender they might be. I love how open you are to discovering yourself. Keep on that track. :)</p>
56c1a76de585814a2b474354	I'm a teenager, and I want to have a baby with my boyfriend.	I have been dating my boyfriend for a month, and we want a baby. We don't work or drive, and we haven't talked to our parents. What should we do?	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-a-teenager-and-i-want-to-have-a-baby-with-my-boyfriend	Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Athens, When a teenager wants to have a baby, it's usually for a specific, and not healthy, reason. Do you maybe hope that a baby will cement your relationship? It doesn't work that way. Do you yearn for a person who will love you deeply? Babies don't give to us; we give endlessly to them. I urge you to talk to someone you trust about why you want to speed up your life by being a parent before you are fully grown emotionally. A relationship that is one month old is not stable enough to support a change like this. You're only starting to get to know each other. I wish you well and hope you talk to someone. </p>
56c1557be585814a2b474352	How do I get over my fears of dying?	Recently, I had a close call after delivering my second child (blood clot followed by internal bleeding and several blood transfusions). It was a close call. I am currently undergoing medical treatment because of the event, and I am constantly afraid the whole ordeal will happen again. I have never really had anxiety in the past, but I find now that it consumes my every day and night. With two beautiful children to raise, I am most terrified of not being able to raise and protect them.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-my-fears-of-dying	Trauma,Anxiety	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Meriden, it's natural that after a serious scare like that you would have some anxiety and fear. This fear is helpful to some extent, because it will assist you in taking care of yourself and not taking unnecessary risks with your health. You can say "thanks very much" to fear for trying to protect you, and then you can take steps to reduce it. Right now, fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life. You can work to put it into perspective.</p><p>I invite you to imagine that your job is to convince fear that you don't need it screaming in your ear constantly in order to be as safe as you can be. Imagine that fear is in front of you. It's saying "hey, you need me! If I wasn't keeping you alert, you would be very ill". Fear doesn't trust you to take care of yourself. </p><p>What is the evidence you are caring for yourself and doing everything you can to prevent a recurrence? What is the evidence that this won't likely happen again (it was specifically connected to the stress of labour, right?). What is the evidence from your doctor that this is unlikely to recur? What is the evidence that you are healing? What is the evidence that you are very aware of the danger and will respond quickly if there is a recurrence? What is the evidence that worrying about it will hurt you, not help you? How many hours of your life do you want to hand over to fear?</p><p>Fear is trying to keep you safe, but you can turn the volume down by talking to yourself about all these things. I wish you well.</p>
56bf9972891894937e3c6fe2	My brother's ex-girlfriend doesn't want her son to see us anymore.	My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child?	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-brother-s-ex-girlfriend-doesn-t-want-her-son-to-see-us-anymore	Parenting	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better. </p><p>But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well. </p>
56c3da858fa38a5a4e2e1f17	I'm questioning my sexuality.	I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-questioning-my-sexuality	LGBTQ	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Being open minded about the type of sexual connection which feels true and real, is a solid starting point.</p><p>Having questions is a very valuable way of more clearly defining your sexuality.</p><p>Write one or two of your questions if you'd like a more specific focus to your general search about your sexual preference.</p>
56cd3f319fda1fcc7f4ccdd5	How do I know if I have depression?	I'm almost never happy. Half of the time, I don't feel anything. I find it easy to make myself feel nothing. I know I push people away because it’s easier. I just want answers. I'm sick of feeling this way. It’s ruining my relationships with people.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-know-if-i-have-depression	Depression	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p style="margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hi Loyal, This is a common question. I suggest that you not diagnose yourself (only a physician can do that), but the symptoms you mention are certainly common signs of depression; rarely happy, emotional numbness, hopelessness, isolation. Depression is very common. Research suggests that one in three people may experience it in their lifetime and at any one point, ten percent of adults may be experiencing it.  Most therapists are very good at spotting the signs and treating accordingly, although only a physician can prescribe medication.</p><p style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">The great news is that depression is treatable. Some people experiencing depression may benefit from medication (often to lift the heaviness of the illness enough so that one can focus on psychotherapy), and therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy and behavioural activation therapy have demonstrated a clear ability to reduce symptoms of depression. Even if medication helps, seeing a therapist to look at the roots of your depression and to build coping skills is very important. </p><p style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 0px; color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica; white-space: pre-wrap;">A qualified therapist will help you look at the barriers to happiness in your specific case and suggest a course of treatment. You are not alone, and you don't have to suffer. Keep asking questions and you will find your answers!</p>
56ccc69988436c4078dfffe8	My daughter is in her 30s, not married, and pregnant. How can I break the news to the family?	She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-daughter-is-in-her-30s-not-married-and-pregnant-how-can-i-break-the-news-to-the-family	Family Conflict	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi New York, There is no need for shame here; no one's done anything wrong! A pregnancy is a glorious gift to be celebrated. </p><p>I wonder what gets in the way of you celebrating your daughter's pregnancy? <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">Are they excited about it? I bet they are. They've been together for seven years. Even if it caught them off guard, the best thing for them and this new baby is to celebrate the joy of this new little person and their growing family. If you are happy for them and help spread their joy, how marvelous would that be for them as a family?</span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">New York, I will be honest with you; I hope that's okay. I sense that maybe you are feeling judgemental towards them. Do you dislike or judge his struggle with mental illness? Do you see him as less than worthy because he hasn't worked? I don't know for sure, but I imagine maybe his anxiety and depression get in the way of working. Maybe he's on a social disability? Mental illness doesn't make someone less lovable or valuable as a partner. He's getting help for himself and that's wonderful. </span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">If your daughter loves him and is happy with him... If he is her chosen man, then they absolutely need your support, not your judgement. And if they struggle as a couple, you know what...they will need it even more!</span></p><p><span style="line-height: 20px;">Is this your first grandchild? If not, then I don't have to say this, but if it is...you are in for the most amazing adventure of your lifetime. You will fall in love so deeply with this child. S/he needs that...this baby needs your love and support.</span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">So, you say to your family... "I have amazing news! My daughter is expecting a baby! I'm going to be a grandparent!! I can't wait". </span></p>
56cbd79fec2fe82640a5fcd1	How do I get rid of depression?	I've been feeling worthless, unaccomplished, and so frustrated. I want to break things, hit myself, run away, kick, scream, and cry. I just want to be happy and outgoing again. I want to be able to take care of my daughter and live comfortably.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-rid-of-depression	Depression	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Philadelphia, there is help out there. For your daughter's sake, start somewhere. Feelings are only that; your worst fears about who you are are only based on a few moments that haven't gone well. Depression is so treatable, but you have to seek treatment from a professional.</p><p>Here's a quick exercise for you to do that can show you how therapy might work... fear is telling you the worst possible story of your life, right? So... if there was an <span style="font-style: italic;">opposite </span>story...the very<span style="font-style: italic;"> best </span>story that someone could tell about you and your life...what would that be? Who would be telling it? Someone who loves you? Someone who was around you when you were that outgoing person? Someone who's been watching your life from the start? God? Write that best story. I dare you to give it as much credibility as the worst one. </p><p>Therapy is often about helping people reject their "worst stories". I invite you to start exploring with a qualified therapist whatever barriers stand between you and your best life. I hope you reach out soon. :)</p>
56cbd90bec2fe82640a5fcd3	How do I better handle my breakup?	I got involved with my best friend who is married but has been very unhappy for the last five years. We both fell in love and have been together for eight months. He left the house and filed for divorce. He decided to tell her about our relationship, and she is willing to forgive and work on things. This shook him. They have two kids together. He decided to put the divorce on hold. He left town for a month to get clarity on the situation and see a therapist.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-better-handle-my-breakup	Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Miami, I feel your sadness; you might have planned a future with your best friend. We live in a world where we are constantly exposed and connected to people who intrigue us and to whom we might feel a connection. I believe that our ability to protect our relationships from the risks involved here has not developed fast enough. </p><p>Your friend came face to face with what leaving the marriage meant...huge changes and many intense emotions. He is wise to consider his choices carefully; especially if you have children, there is good reason to work at a relationship that is less than fulfilling. Therapy can help.</p><p>So you fell in love with a man who was in an unstable place. He's taking the steps to create some stability for himself and that leaves you "on hold", not knowing what his decision will be. I love that you seem willing to give him the space he needs to figure it all out. This decision is his. </p><p>For yourself, you can accept that being "best friends" with a man might not be a wise thing. Many marriages don't fair well when friendships like that exist. You flirted with danger; both of you. You fell in love but he wasn't free, really. I'm sure his love for you is real and powerful, but it's not a competition. It's one man choosing his life path. You can focus on thoughts like this:</p><ul><li>He has the right to choose his life.</li><li>We flirted with danger by being best friends.</li><li>I know he does love me; this is not a reflection on my worth.</li><li>I can feel really good about giving him patience and the space he needs.</li><li>I feel proud of his honesty.</li><li>I feel proud if he's willing to fight for his marriage; lucky her...lucky kids.</li><li>Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel that sadness, that grief. It's real.</li></ul><p>If you have told anyone about the affair, seek the support of that trusted person and know you have to grieve this in silence because it was born in silence. I wish you well, and for the record, I'm proud of the maturity you show in this situation. :)</p>
561c6bd4e88a65597bb56a48	Am I somehow stressing myself out?	I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out	https://counselchat.com/questions/am-i-somehow-stressing-myself-out	Anxiety	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>I'm glad to hear you have friends and that your friends say they like you.</p><p>Trust your own sense of who you are which tells you that something feels uneasy within yourself.</p><p>Is the friend who says you're "just fine", very familiar with who you are?</p><p>"Friend" is a broad category.</p><p>She may not know you as fully as you know yourself.</p><p>Basically, it is possible to be "fine" and have some inner stress.</p><p>Follow your own thoughts and observations to more fully learn about yourself in ways your friend may not notice or be aware.</p>
56cdf10d9fda1fcc7f4ccddc	Is it okay to date my ex-boyfriend’s cousin?	I have been dating my ex-boyfriend’s cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex.	https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-okay-to-date-my-ex-boyfriend-s-cousin	Family Conflict,Relationships	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing?</p><p><br></p><p>Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him.</p><p>Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow.</p>
56cd3f319fda1fcc7f4ccdd5	How do I know if I have depression?	I'm almost never happy. Half of the time, I don't feel anything. I find it easy to make myself feel nothing. I know I push people away because it’s easier. I just want answers. I'm sick of feeling this way. It’s ruining my relationships with people.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-know-if-i-have-depression	Depression	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Maybe you have depression.</p><p>The name of your condition matters much less than the descriptions you wrote of how you feel.</p><p>Since you've observed how you sometimes interact with people and realize you aren't happy with the result, you've a very solid starting point for reflecting on your deeper wishes in relating to others.</p><p>Start with asking reasons of yourself about the puzzling aspects of how you're engaging with others.</p><p>Theorizing as to "why" you feel that pushing people away is "easier", and easier than what?</p><p>Googling the keywords of how you feel, may open a starting point for ideas on knowing yourself and what you wish for.</p>
56ccc69988436c4078dfffe8	My daughter is in her 30s, not married, and pregnant. How can I break the news to the family?	She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-daughter-is-in-her-30s-not-married-and-pregnant-how-can-i-break-the-news-to-the-family	Family Conflict	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Congrats on your upcoming grandchild!</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family?</span><br></p><p>Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members.</p><p>Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too.</p><p>Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours.</p>
56979c6647d3646166253693	Do I have social anxiety?	When I go to school, I feel like everyone is judging me, even my friends. I get overwhelmed which these thoughts and sometimes cannot get out of what I call a deep hole of thoughts. I barely go to any of our school dances because of all of the people. Not even when I am completely alone do these thoughts go away. I still feel like people can see me and are judging me.	https://counselchat.com/questions/do-i-have-social-anxiety-2	Anxiety,Social Relationships	Ben Braaksma	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma	<p>It sounds like a couple of things are going on here; you are noticing yourself feeling judged by the people around you and that you are avoiding social activities and in addition to this you have intrusive thoughts that you are being judged, even when alone. It sounds like these thoughts are pretty distressing and you are wondering what is happening to you. Many people who come to therapy experience intrusive and distressing thoughts of various kinds, which often influence their behavior in ways that they may not like, such as leading them to isolate. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of your distress as well as learn ways to cope and eventually alleviate this distress so that you can have satisfaction and security in your life and relationships.<br></p>
56d5d85d1f8f233e09696a58	My boyfriend is always accusing me of not loving him.	I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-is-always-accusing-me-of-not-loving-him	Relationships,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Savannah, This is a pretty common issue; one person feels that they are doing a great job of being loving, yet their partner doesn't feel loved. There's a great book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. He explains that there are five main ways to give and receive love, but we don't necessarily all speak the same "love language" as our partner. You might feel that by going out to work and earn money, you're being loving, but if your partner's main love language is quality time, you're not hitting that bulls eye because you're not home! The five languages are words, quality time, acts of service, gifts and touch. I recommend couples grab this book, sit down and figure out what their love languages are, and then...slowly...you start to ask for the kind of love you want, and you start to speak your partner's language a bit better. You may never be fluent, but you can get better. The most important part is to understand each other better and to know that there's nothing wrong with either of you, you're just speaking different languages. You can help your boyfriend to get really specific about how he wants to be loved. I bet he just needs you to "speak his language".  :)</p>
56d7495bffed53b4492cff05	My boyfriend says he doesn't like to do things with me because we fight too much.	He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-says-he-doesn-t-like-to-do-things-with-me-because-we-fight-too-much	Relationships,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Oklahoma, Listen to him when he says this is how he is. Your boyfriend's behaviours are about him; not you. At the start of a relationship it's easy to be loving and attentive; but it takes years to really get to know someone deeply. With time, people reveal who they are.</p><p>For some reason, he is giving himself permission to detach from you and your son. This could be for several reasons; he may be avoiding intimacy and connection, he may be avoiding commitment, he may fear he isn't enough, or (and there is evidence of this one) he may have misogynist attitudes about male privilege that interfere with his ability to be the kind of supportive and respectful partner that you need. </p><p>It seems that you've addressed this problem with him and told him what you need. Good for you. His response seems dismissive though, and this isn't a good sign. Any problem can be worked through if you have two people who care about, respect and listen to each other. It seems this basic foundation is missing here.</p><p>I suggest a therapist might be able to help you sort out where to go from here. I wish you the best. :)</p>
56d70c6affed53b4492cfef6	I’m afraid that I’m gay.	I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I’ve never thought about men until a week ago. I’m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I’m not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-afraid-that-i-m-gay	LGBTQ	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Brookfield, It can be unsettling when we feel something as fundamental as our sexual orientation shifting. I like that you're honest enough with yourself to say "I'm struggling with this". To accept that there is a question is a brave place to be. And...it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.</p><p>Unfortunately, we live in a culture that wants to put people in slots...male or female, straight or gay...we tend to not like those grey areas so much as a culture. The truth is that, if we grew up in a society where there wasn't this categorization...if we felt free to explore and grow sexually, we might be surprised at who we are attracted to. You don't have to put yourself in a slot. Our sexual preferences are more fluid than we think, and it can change over time.</p><p>We also live in a culture where there is prejudice against homosexuality or "differentness" in general. The wish to not be gay can be powerful. Many people who are gay spend years believing they were heteroxual...fighting against, repressing  or ignoring their gay thoughts. This is needless pain. If you are gay, there is no shame in that and you can still have a glorious life filled with love and passion.</p><p>Having said all that...just because you have thoughts about men or get turned on by gay porm doesn't mean you're gay. Many heterosexual people have thoughts and fantasies about the same sex; it's arousing because it's naughty...we're curious about the forbidden, or we're just curious. Becoming aroused by gay porn is normal for many heterosexual men. </p><p>Sexual orientation isn't just about sex either. A different gauge of who you are sexually can be found in your emotions towards men or women. Are you drawn into emotional connections with men more than women? Who do you feel the urge to explore and be close to?</p><p>Exploring your sexuality through being open to different experiences can help too. How does it feel to kiss a man, to touch a man, as compared with a woman...sometimes this feels like such a big and forbidden step that it's a barrier to discovering ourselves. We don't want to open that door. </p><p>I wish you well as you do exactly what you are supposed to be doing...exploring and discovering yourself. It's an exciting journey and you might want to find a trusted person to talk more about this with. </p>
56d7495bffed53b4492cff05	My boyfriend says he doesn't like to do things with me because we fight too much.	He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-says-he-doesn-t-like-to-do-things-with-me-because-we-fight-too-much	Relationships,Intimacy	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Congrats on the birth of your son!</p><p>Your situation sounds painful, lonely, and isolating.</p><p>And, these features are eating away at your self-confidence.</p><p>Start by believing in yourself.  </p><p>The feelings and ideas you describe here would only be arising from within you because they are at the very least, partly true.</p><p>Ask your boyfriend if he is willing to listen and understand your point of view.  If he does, then hopefully the two of you will more easily talk with one another about the truth of feeling overwhelmed by the quick pace of your courtship and becoming a family.</p><p>If these discussions continuously include him blaming you for having your own feelings and expecting him to more actively be a part of your and your son's life, then you'll need to start valuing your feelings and what is best for you and your son, by yourself.</p><p>I send you lots of good luck!</p><p><br></p>
56d70c6affed53b4492cfef6	I’m afraid that I’m gay.	I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I’ve never thought about men until a week ago. I’m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I’m not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-afraid-that-i-m-gay	LGBTQ	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Are you able to give yourself some peace of mind while you take the time to further address whether or not you are gay?</p><p>Whether or not and to what degree a person accepts their sexuality, depends on dense factors such as the culture of your family, the beliefs about gay people with which you were brought up, and your own tolerance for being a unique individual.</p><p>Examining these factors, whether inwardly by yourself, in online blogs and sites, or live with other people, requires patience and effort.</p><p>The more you are willing to commit to figuring out your own truth, the greater is your chance of finding it!</p>
56d6659d1f8f233e09696a6e	How can I be less confused about my feelings towards anything?	I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-less-confused-about-my-feelings-towards-anything	Anger Management,Behavioral Change	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have!</p><p>What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings?  Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel.</p><p>Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were.</p><p>In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind.  By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings.</p><p>Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are.  </p><p>Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child.  They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression.  By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating.</p>
56d64fd31f8f233e09696a6c	How can I deal with my paranoia?	I'm a little paranoid. My mind does get the best of me. One night, I put chairs under all of my door knobs because I thought someone might break in. I also think a lot, which is probably the reason for the paranoia. I can't stand loud noises, like the sound of cars going by. The grocery store is too noisy, and I feel like people are looking at me.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-deal-with-my-paranoia	Anxiety	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Paranoid people don't realize they are paranoid.  They believe their actions to be reasonable responses to potential threats.</p><p>From what you write, you are aware that your actions may be understood as extreme.</p><p>Instead of trying to fit your behavior into a negative psychological category, try seeing each of the behaviors you list here, as your own uniqueness.</p><p>This way you will become more tolerant of what very well be your natural tendencies.</p><p>If you are someone who needs a lot of time in quiet, then not liking loud noises doesn't make you paranoid, it is simply the way of who you are.</p><p>One possible way of feeling better is if you would accept the answers you've developed so far for yourself.  They may be a little unusual compared to what we consider mainstream.  </p><p>From what you describe, you already are dealing with what you call "paranoia".</p>
56d5d85d1f8f233e09696a58	My boyfriend is always accusing me of not loving him.	I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.	https://counselchat.com/questions/my-boyfriend-is-always-accusing-me-of-not-loving-him	Relationships,Intimacy	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Does he tell you a reason as to why he feels you don't love him?</p><p>Ask him this so you will clearly know his definition of "love".</p>
56d4e35d1f8f233e09696a4d	How can I feel so empty even though I'm only in my early teens?	My life is completely normal, yet I feel empty inside. I feel as if I already know why I'm alive: to reproduce and die.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-feel-so-empty-even-though-i-m-only-in-my-early-teens	Depression	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Are there any times or moments in which you feel other than "empty"?  Start with knowing the context of when you feel something other than empty.</p><p>If there is no recent example, then in your mind, go back in time to think of when you felt something other than empty.  Recall what you liked about this time, whether you were by yourself or with others, what type of activity you were involved at the time of non-emptiness.</p><p>How did you come to your conclusion that your life purpose is to reproduce and die?  </p><p>If this is what your parents, siblings and extended family believe, it is possible that you have a broader view of yourself and haven't yet uncovered a way of defining your own philosophy of living.</p><p>Give yourself the time to browse around online, or in person social meet ups, on your interests.  It is possible you will discover entire new areas of life and ways of considering life, that are brand new to you and which connect to your true self.<br></p><p>This is one way of respecting your individuality, which of itself, may decrease your sense of emptiness.</p>
56d4d23d1f8f233e09696a4b	I'm just not happy with my marriage.	He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-just-not-happy-with-my-marriage	Domestic Violence,Marriage	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Good for you on recognizing your own feelings.  </p><p>Often in an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused, starts doubting themselves and starts tolerating, then accepting abuse.</p><p>Marriage is based in love and feeling taken care of by the partner.  Feeling scared is the opposite of this.</p><p>If you feel ready, tell him the way you feel and pay attention to how willing your husband is to being aware that he yells and that you feel scared.</p><p>If he has no idea of what you're talking about, doesn't want to understand what you feel, then slowly take steps to understand within yourself whether or not tolerating your husband's behavior is acceptable to live with on an everyday basis.</p><p><br></p><p><br></p>
561c6bd4e88a65597bb56a48	Am I somehow stressing myself out?	I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out	https://counselchat.com/questions/am-i-somehow-stressing-myself-out	Anxiety	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>"Where you put your attention is where you will go". I forget who said this first, but it's very powerful. If all you think about and talk about is how annoying you think you might be, that will get annoying. Your intense self reflection is lovely; it will help you monitor yourself so that you're not affecting others negatively, but your alarm is going off too easily here and you risk having the opposite effect.</p><p>You don't have to be perfect. She's with you, so she probably likes you as you are. She seems to put far less emphasis on your possibly annoying traits. We all have faults and if that's what we focus on, that's all we will see. My hunch is that your most annoying trait might be your negative self-talk. How ironic is that?</p><p>There's another irony here...your goal is to be a better partner...but when you are self-critical, your focus is on <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span>, not her. Every moment that fear grabs ahold of you is a moment that you're not being present in the actual relationship; you're gazing at your imagined faults. Fear steals your ability to focus on your loving partner. </p><p>Maybe take a moment to image how she sees you...all of you. Put yourself in her shoes to see the entire you...how are you loving...thoughtful...a good partner? Confidence is a very attractive quality! </p>
56bc606c4e568f192e1bfb74	How can I get my fiancé to notice me again?	My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-fianc-to-notice-me-again	Relationships,Intimacy	Margaret Van Ackeren	https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda	<p>Hello, </p><p>It doesn't feel good when it seems that your partner no longer cares or cares less for you, especially if your feelings have not changed. It can be scary, frustrating, and lonely. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I would suggest to start there. There may be several reasons for his actions, some of which may have nothing to do with how he feels for you. Learning about what is going on for him will likely answer your questions and, depending on his response, may cause some relief. </p><p>When initiating conversations about subjects that are sensitive, there are a few things that you want to remember. Tell him how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, rather than blaming him or telling him what he is doing wrong. Avoid using extreme, black and white language (i.e. always and never). For example, you may say something such as, "I feel confused that we are rarely intimate and I'm wondering if you've also noticed this change" versus "You are never intimate with me anymore." Don't be afraid to ask him questions. You deserve to know what is going on, as his behavior is effecting your well being. I like to ask open-ended questions instead of yes and no questions. It allows for more clarity and deeper explanation. Lastly, ask yourself (and possibly him) what part you play in the recent changes. Does he feel that you've been distant? Does he need something from you? Let him know that you are willing to work things out as a team. If communication attempts fail, seeing a couple's therapist can be a great benefit. Having an objective party to coach you through this difficut time can give you the support that will create lasting changes in your relationship.</p><p>Best of luck to you! <br></p>
56ae889c014e2eff2b4fee56	How can I forgive myself?	Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-forgive-myself	Self-esteem	Reid Stell	https://counselchat.com/therapists/reid-stell	<p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy Rausch (author of<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>The Last Lecture)<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i>called The 3-Step Apology. I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively. Here goes:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 7.5pt; line-height: 15pt;"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step One: </span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Say what you did and the damage it caused.<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></p><p style="margin: 0in 0in 7.5pt; line-height: 15pt;"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step Two:</span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Say you're sorry and accept full responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: “It was all my fault.”)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step Three:</span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Ask what you can do to repair the damage.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Step Three is the one many of us didn’t learn growing up. And when we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone is offered. So be it, we can’t control this. But if we are apologizing to ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart into it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p> </p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif;">Give this a try the next time you’re reluctant to let yourself off the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when invited.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
56bd08b04e568f192e1bfb84	How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?	I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-learn-to-let-go-of-past-problems-and-live-one-day-at-a-time	Social Relationships	Reid Stell	https://counselchat.com/therapists/reid-stell	<p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Staying present is an attitude most of us aspire to, and most of us have to work at it—certainly at first. I’m here to tell you that living in the now or being mindful is a skill anyone can learn. Unfortunately, the only way to do it is to do it. What a paradox! But there are plenty of other skills that we are not born with: walking on stilts, riding a bike, swimming, and driving a car are good examples. You can’t learn them by reading about them.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Having said that, I can recommend two books on the subject: Eckhart Tolle’s <i>The Power of Now </i>and David Richo’s <i>When the Past is Present. <o:p></o:p></i></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Richo asks that we don’t beat ourselves up about dwelling on past events. This is nature’s way of reminding us that we have unfinished business. But while we are attended to the wounds and confusion that litter our earlier lives, we can prepare to inhabit the expanded present that awaits us.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">He offers three helpful steps to making any important life change:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Step One:</span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"> Hold in awareness the behavior, belief, attitude, or characteristic you want to change in yourself and how you want to be different. Awareness is the opposite of distraction and stuffing.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Step Two:</span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;"> Live as if you have already made the change. (This is hard and takes courage, but you can do it. Ride that bike—even if for a foot or two.)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Step Three: </span></b><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Be persistent. (Practice, practice, practice.)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in; line-height:15.0pt"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial;">Just as two-year-olds are able to walk confidently after hundreds of hours of practice, you’ll be able to stay in the here and now as long as you want after trying and failing many, many times.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
56d320179471b0b41ec68e52	I don't know if I should end my relationship or try and stick through it.	I have been dating a guy for two years. I think I love him, but I don't know any more. I am in my late teens, and I have been living with him for most of our relationship. I have been talking to a guy friend, and I feel more loved by him than my boyfriend.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-don-t-know-if-i-should-end-my-relationship-or-try-and-stick-through-it	Relationships,Intimacy	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Michigan, Relationships are so sparkly for a few years, and then things start to feel different. Most of the time, this is simply because we've pulled back from all the attachment-forming behaviours we did at the beginning. We stop talking a lot, because we have less to discover...we do less for each other and buy fewer gifts...spend less time together...all because we have already formed the love and attachment and we don't need to "fill the gas tank" as much. So, just because it feels different doesn't mean it's "gone bad".</p><p>Having said that, it seems as though you are missing something in this relationship that you need; you don't feel loved enough right now. Can you tell him? Have you told him? The strength of your relationship is more clear when people know what the expectations are. Let him know what you need, and see if he gets it. </p><p>You have choices to make and there is no wrong choice. You certainly have the right to say "this isn't feeling great anymore", or "I want to explore other relationships", and walk away. But often it's worth it to see how good something can be before you bail. </p><p>You're drawn to someone else, and this is up to you to decide how this fits with your expectations of yourself in a relationship. Your interest in this other guy is sparkly and new. Your boyfriend can't compete with that if he doesn't know you're unhappy. </p><p>For some people, being drawn to someone else is a sign they're not into their partner. For others, it's a danger alert, and it makes them want to improve their current relationship. Which one are you?</p>
56d49a149471b0b41ec68e7c	Can a therapist have a client admitted to an eating disorder treatment center if the client does not want to go?	null	https://counselchat.com/questions/can-a-therapist-have-a-client-admitted-to-an-eating-disorder-treatment-center-if-the-client-does-not-want-to-go	Eating Disorders,Legal & Regulatory	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>The answer varies depending on what State you are in, whether the eating disorder treatment center is part of a larger psychiatric facility, and the diagnosis which the therapist states describes your psychological and emotional condition leading to the decision to admit.</p><p>Also keep in mind that all practitioners have license to judge whether or not a person fits a category of psychological problem.</p><p>This is adds another variable to the answer of your question.</p><p>Basically, there are many variables and not one definite answer to your question.</p><p><br></p><p><br></p><p><br></p>
56ae889c014e2eff2b4fee56	How can I forgive myself?	Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-forgive-myself	Self-esteem	Julissa Sparks	https://counselchat.com/therapists/julissa-sparks	<p>A lot of times it is not about forgiveness but learning from experiences. As an example, as a child we continously fall in an effort to learn how to walk. Then when we begin walking we know we have to put one foot in front of the other in order to move forward. Experiences allow us to grow, find a balance and what to do and what not to do in order to move forward. On the positive side you now know the consequences as for your actions not to take the same course. Forgiveness comes with time as you "learn how to walk again."</p>
56da4f7f693bd2fc2c9cfbac	How do I cope with bad thoughts?	People have been calling me names, and I have had enough of it. I cannot stand it anymore I'm done. I have told someone this, and that is why I am writing this. The thoughts are awful.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-with-bad-thoughts	Depression	Ben Braaksma	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma	<p>It's sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and are feeling very criticized by others as well. I think it is great that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change. Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some more clarity about what is going on, developing ways to cope, and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences.<br></p>
5685d15ee716b51523007af9	I'm in a lesbian relationship, and my mother doesn't really approve.	null	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-in-a-lesbian-relationship-and-my-mother-doesn-t-really-approve	LGBTQ,Family Conflict	Ben Braaksma	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma	It can be very difficult, when our parents do not approve of significant aspects of who we are. As children, we need our parents approval, and as adults, we often still desire it. Some things I am wondering about are, how do you feel about your sexuality and your relationship with your mother? Is there anything you would like to have different in your relationship with your mother? I don't know if these questions resonate with you or not, but if there are some conflicted feelings in regards to your mother, working with a competent therapist may be a good way of getting clarity about how you would like to move forward.<br><p><br></p>
56e27c3f095966e22a8c14b9	I feel like there is a wedge between my daughter and I.	We live with my ex-partner’s sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-like-there-is-a-wedge-between-my-daughter-and-i	Parenting,Family Conflict	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. A<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: 'Open Sans', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 20px; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">lthough you don't say how old she is,</span> and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it.</p><p>You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also  have emotional ties to your daughter's father. </p><p>While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see.</p><p>I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better. </p><p>It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her.</p><p>I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all. </p><p><br></p>
56e1aa7b095966e22a8c14b3	I feel guilty because I didn't say no to a guy's advances.	I was in a situation with a guy. He’s my brother’s friend and kind of like a brother to me. He invited me over to hang out, and then came on to me. I was instantly terrified to say no, and I gave in. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't figure out why I'm afraid to say no. This is giving me a lot of guilt and depression.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-guilty-because-i-didn-t-say-no-to-a-guy-s-advances	Depression	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Tennessee, There is nothing wrong with you. There are many good reasons why you didn't say no. You didn't say no because you were caught off guard and unprepared; there is no place in life that teaches girls or boys how to manage it when someone crashes a sexual boundary. You also live in a culture where girls are encouraged to be cooperative and not upset people, and to put the needs of other people first. You instinctively want people to like you, and people can be very coercive sexually. You said it yourself; you "gave in". He wore you down.</p><p>There's nothing wrong with you. It wasn't your job to say no. Women aren't the gatekeepers of male sexual urges. It was his job to get your consent first. He pressured you into it. </p><p>A good therapist would help you to dig deep and uncover all these barriers to saying no and more. If you said no, what might happen then? What might that mean about you? What are you avoiding feeling? Unloved, unwanted, cold? What would you have to believe in order to be confident enough to say no? That you didn't have to do anything you don't want to do? That you're special, or that sexuality is special? Would you need a better understanding of what sexual assault is? </p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">I love that you want to do some work here to strengthen your sexual boundaries, and I urge a widespread conversation about what consent it. Men and women of all ages could use more of this training. </span><br></p><p><br></p>
561ce62be88a65597bb56a5a	Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety	Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.	https://counselchat.com/questions/thoughts-of-afterlife-causes-anxiety	Anxiety,Spirituality	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi California, What you're experiencing is indeed anxiety; it's very common. Through research we know a lot of things about how to reduce anxiety. I'll get you started and it's a great idea to connect with a therapist who can build on these ideas and get to know you well.</p><p>It's natural to have random thoughts that unsettle us. Our brains are complex, wonderful things. Fearful and anxious thoughts are a part of this picture; their purpose is to prepare us for the future and to help us make sense of the past and learn from it. But what happens sometimes is that our alarm systems get out of whack and get set off too easily. We often spend TOO MUCH time worrying about things that happened or might happen. When these thoughts take away from our enjoyment of life, it becomes a problem. So, while fear and anxiety try to protect us, they also seek power and will take any power they can get.</p><p>In general, fear and anxiety try to tell us one or both of two things: that something is wrong with us, or that something bad will happen (or that something bad will happen because there's something wrong with us). They will use anything they can as evidence to convince you. For example... "That person looked at you funny. You're strange looking". Well there are dozens of possible explanations for the look on that person's face, and it's unlikely it had anything to do with you. </p><p>For you personally, your thoughts are about the afterlife...about living forever. What does fear tell you will be uncomfortable about living forever? What would the worst part be? A therapist would help you dig deep to find the core of what you fear. It might be that you have no <span style="font-style: italic;">control </span>over who you are or where you go. It might be that you fear going to hell because you're "<span style="font-style: italic;">bad</span>". Search for that deepest fear.</p><p>I invite you then to picture that thought as a glass of water on a shelf. It's a heavy glass, and if you held it in your hands for a while and stared at it, it would get in the way; you'd be uncomfortable and unable to focus on your life. That's what's happening now. I suggest that the problem is not so much the thought you're having; we all have random silly thoughts that usually aren't true. The problem is how long you're holding it in your hand. You could have that thought (pick up that glass) a hundred times a day and, as long as you put it right back on the shelf, it's not a problem. The trick is to get it back on that shelf.</p><p>Right now, you're using distraction to do this. You're trying to focus on other things around you, but I think the glass is still in your hand. It's not enough; you're looking for more tools to get that glass back on the shelf.  And the key is in your thoughts. Once you find out what fear is trying to tell you, then you can "talk back to" fear. So, as an example, if fear is saying to you "you have no control over anything", then you can work to accept the pieces you don't have control over, learn to tolerate that feeling, and claim back the pieces you CAN control. You CAN control the extent to which you let fear take you over. </p><p>With a therapist you can learn to "refute" fears' ideas. You can learn to look for concrete evidence of fear's lies and gain back control over your thoughts. I wish you the best!</p>
56dfacf3095966e22a8c149f	How do I handle my binge eating?	I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-my-binge-eating	Stress,Eating Disorders	Todd Schmenk, M.S., M.Ed.	https://counselchat.com/therapists/todd-schmenk-m-s-m-ed	<p>In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone.  It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables.  I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices.  </p><p>Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT).  There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable.   </p>
56e087ea095966e22a8c14a3	Our grandson wants to talk to his estranged mom.	We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this?	https://counselchat.com/questions/our-grandson-wants-to-talk-to-his-estranged-mom	Parenting	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution. </p><p>Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen.  </p><p>I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact.</p><p>Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense.  The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves. </p><p>There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email. </p><p>It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special!</p>
56df766c095966e22a8c1499	How do I stay when the spark is gone?	We had our first kid 15 years ago, and sex has been nonexistent ever since. It only happens every three or four months. We have been to counseling, and I have been told over and over again she will come around. She hasn't, and I'm intimately lonely! I think it's time to move on, but how do I do that without hurting my kids?	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-stay-when-the-spark-is-gone	Intimacy,Marriage	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Pocahontas, This is a painful situation. When you're in a relationship, you assume that you will continue to receive warmth and affection. When it dries up, it's a very lonely place. It's possible that there is an unaddressed issue in the relationship. It's also possible that your partner has hormonal issues, pain issues,  sexual dysfunction or is asexual. </p><p>There is no one answer here. Only you can decide what is right for you. But let me ask some questions to help you explore next steps:</p><p>Aside from the sex, is your wife loving and supportive? What are the other ways in which you feel loved? Does your wife talk to you? Does she communicate her needs and desires? Does she articulate what gets in the way of having sex? If your wife is generally a loving, open partner, you use this to see that her behaviours aren't personal. Whether she resolves this or not, it can help you to cope with the rejection. This is your wife's issue, and the "ball" is in her court.</p><p>In my opinion, if couple's therapy hasn't helped, it's time for your wife to own whatever is blocking her and address it with her physician and therapist. Let her be in charge of the sex for a while, to take the pressure off, and she can have the time to figure out what gets in the way of having regular sexual intimacy in your relationship. If you think of this as "my wife is in crisis and needs support in figuring this out", it can help you manage your own emotions. </p><p>Pressure to have sex might push her further away. Did the couple therapist help you to see the dynamic in your relationship? Has your partner identified something she feels she is lacking in the relationship? One good way to make sure you "get" is to "give" (and I mean give what she wants, not sex). </p><p>It's appropriate to say to her now "I cannot live in a relationship with so little intimacy. I need for you to be honest with me about what you want for us sexually. If this is all you want, I'm not sure I can do it. If you want us to be more sexual, I need you to address what gets in the way for you."  Give her some time, help her in any way you can, and then see where you are. See if she does seek help to address an issue that is hers. </p><p>Then...you have a decision to make. I encourage you to make it looking at the big picture, not just the sex. </p><p><br></p>
56ddd7df56eceaa34f948f9d	How do I deal with sexual tension?	I have been experiencing a lot of sexual tension with a lot of the guys that I talk to nowadays. I keep imagining having sex with them. I have never had sex before, nor have I had a boyfriend. I feel lonely and empty. I feel like my body is not okay, and I am missing something. I talk to so many boys in school, and I always fantasize about half of them. I want this feeling to stop because it is interfering with my time to study since most of the time, I am busy thinking about sex.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-sexual-tension	Human Sexuality	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Montreal, I'm glad you wrote. What you're experiencing is normal. We're sexual beings. We have a built-in desire to connect sexually with others, because it feels good, to keep procreation going, and mostly to "connect" with other people, because connecting with others makes us feel fulfilled and valuable. Sexual desire is a healthy part of you. Maybe your body is telling you it wants to dive into that water and taste it instead of just staring at it? It sounds like you're beginning to explore yourself sexually, and that's okay.</p><p>At your young age, you also have another innate burning desire, and that is to <span style="font-style: italic;">know yourself</span>. I see both of these desires burning and competing in you. It's a bit of a crazy time...you want to connect with others but you're not sure who you are or what you want from them. You want to know yourself but you can't learn about yourself in a vacuum. </p><p>It's okay to trust your instincts. It's okay to connect sexually with others, as long as you're preventing disease and pregnancy and you know how to protect your boundaries. But even as I write this, I think maybe I'm being controlling and overprotective of you; it's your body and you're in charge of what happens to it! (But I do want you to be safe...whatever that means to you). Maybe talk to someone you trust. </p><p>With each encounter you have with other people (sexual or not), you will learn more about yourself and what you want, both sexually and just in relationship or friendship. You will develop a sense of who you are.</p><p>Have you tried to get to know yourself sexually? This is a super place to start, and knowing how your own body works can give you confidence when you eventually connect with others. When you explore your own body, what feels good? What brings you to orgasm? </p><p>I wish you well as you explore both who you are and how it feels to connect with others safely. :)</p>
56dcf60656eceaa34f948f94	Why does it feel as if self-harm is an addiction?	I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm.	https://counselchat.com/questions/why-does-it-feel-as-if-self-harm-is-an-addiction	Addiction,Depression,Self-harm	Todd Schmenk, M.S., M.Ed.	https://counselchat.com/therapists/todd-schmenk-m-s-m-ed	<p>In a way, self-harm can present somewhat like an addiction.  According to new research within the field of neuroscience there is a valid explanation for this.  When a person cuts or uses other forms of self harm, the body produces endorphins to help make a person feel better.  If a person was dealing with depression or high anxiety, that might be misinterpreted by the brain as a way to help oneself feel better and a new neural network or map might form (addiction) that would utilize this new behavior.  Another way to look at it would be thru a behavioral lens, a positive reward for a behavior, even though the behavior has other long term negative consequences.  </p><p>Consider working with someone who can both have you work on and address those items that trigger your behavior and the root causes, in this case sadness or depression, and second find someone who can help give you alternatives that take into account the neurological requirement by replacing the behavior with another behavior (such as snapping a rubber band on the wrist) and working to extinguish the unwanted behavior.   Someone who is trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy and/or Interpersonal Neurobiology would most likely have the skills and means available to address this with you. </p>
564b58c85e8030c4305b311b	I feel insecure, on edge, and drink too much.	I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I’ve been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I’m paranoid about driving on main roads. I’m very jumpy at the slightest noises.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-insecure-on-edge-and-drink-too-much	Addiction,Substance Abuse,Anxiety	Todd Schmenk, M.S., M.Ed.	https://counselchat.com/therapists/todd-schmenk-m-s-m-ed	<p>Given the description you have posted here, it may be time to find someone to work with.  First and foremost, look into working with someone who specializes in working with individuals with challenges surrounding drinking. This would need to be assessed first since if it has been ongoing, it may be making the situation worse and given the time it has been utilized as a coping mechanism, there is reason to believe that the structure of your brain may have been effected as has been demonstrated by current neurological research.  <span style="line-height: 1.42857;">There are however, ways to address this.  </span></p><p><span style="line-height: 1.42857;">As for coping mechanisms, the person you work with should also look at offering you alternatives such as the skills found within the Dialectic Behavior Therapy model (DBT) which has several useful tools to help address the underlying anxiety and difficulty managing emotional regulation.  Mindfulness, another component of DBT should also prove to be useful in both becoming aware of your state of mind and emotional state to allow you to make different choices which has been supported by a growing body of evidence.  There are also other tools designed to help repair damaged relationships.  Well worth looking into.</span></p><p>Seeking help is never easy and it is only human to be hesitant given some of the cultural views of working with therapist.  This is a difficult place to be in and one that is not easy to move out of, but sitting on it is not going to help it go away.  Think of it this way, if you broke your arm, would you just wrap it up and hope for the best? or seek out a professional to help you set the break and teach you how to mend the wound.  The same applies here.  Think of it as first aid for the mind. </p>
56e2e783095966e22a8c1502	How can I be more open and honest with my dad?	I avoid talking to him because he always makes me more upset. I can't be honest with him about anything because he is always rude to me.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-more-open-and-honest-with-my-dad	Family Conflict	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hi Troy, I totally get this. It's a dilemma; you want your dad to know how he's hurting you but you don't feel safe enough to say anything to him. Your reaction is understandable; it's his responsibility as a parent to work harder than you to create that safe place for you to be open. But that's not who your dad is. Your dad is your dad, and waiting for him to change won't really help. Nothing you do can change your dad, but...there are things you can do for yourself and your relationship with him. </p><p>While your response of avoiding him is understandable, I wonder what effect it has on your dad. It's possible that he's feeling frustrated, rejected and punished by your withdrawal. You may think he knows that you're feeling hurt, but he probably doesn't. So this is the squirrel chasing its tail: your dad is rude, so your habit is to be silent, then he maybe feels abandoned and frustrated. His frustration comes out as more rudeness, which makes you want to withdraw more, and the cycle starts all over again. You can't change his part of the cycle but you can change yours.</p><p>Are you willing to take a risk? Can you be honest about how you're feeling? What's the worst thing that could happen if you said to your dad "You know why I avoid you? I stay silent because when I talk to you say rude things. So if you want me to talk, I need to know you can listen." I imagine it would come out differently because you're a few generations younger than me, but put that into your own words.</p><p>I don't know the level of your dad's 'rudeness'. If he is abusive, then a better plan is to see a therapist alone or talk to someone about this. I don't want to put you at any risk. But if you don't worry your dad will hurt you, maybe give honesty a try.</p><p>My point is that, as rude as your dad may be, checking out of a relationship by being silent is also rude. It's powerful...your silence. Your dad can't read your mind, and if you want things to be better you will need to get in that ring with him.</p><p>And, if you're both open to it, seeing a therapist together can be really helpful. :)</p>
56ee53e7a2549bd957c94abe	How can I become more understanding?	null	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-become-more-understanding	Social Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Man, I love this goal. We could all use a bit more of this. Sometimes I picture it like a salt shaker. I'll write an email, then I'll read it again from the receiver's perspective and sprinkle a bit more understanding on it, and I always like it better. Understanding...compassion...empathy...the world could use a lot more of these things and I love that you want to do your part.</p><p>What makes you want to be more understanding? Maybe you want to get closer to someone and resentment is in the way? Maybe you tend to get defensive and have trouble listening to and understanding someone? Whatever the reason, let's get you started by having you write down those things in a list. What things will be better in your life if you have more understanding? Get really grounded in why you're doing this. </p><p>Then let's look at the barriers. What do you risk if you're more understanding? Do you risk feeling vulnerable? Hurt? Attacked? Powerless? Feeling like you're losing? In therapy, you would get help looking at these questions. What are you avoiding feeling? Once you have this answer, then you can easily move to the next step.</p><p>The next step is working to tolerate that feeling you're avoiding. Tolerating it, and "leaning into it", knowing that it's only a feeling and not a reality...these thoughts can help you relax enough to take that wall down and allow space for other people's truths, not just yours. Once you know where you want to be with your thoughts, it takes practise, repetition, to teach yourself new truths about how safe it is to allow yourself to be more understanding and let the wall come down. </p><p>It's my guess that, at some point in your life, there was a reason for that wall of yours to be built. Sometimes we build walls as young people and then no one tells us how to take the wall down once we don't need it anymore. We think we still need it. </p><p>I invite you to consider therapy as you explore these ideas. I wish you the best.</p><p><br></p>
56b6e06492c6c8121977a0ad	How can I unblock my memories?	As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-unblock-my-memories	Trauma	Perry Griffin M.Ed., LPCA, NCC	https://counselchat.com/therapists/perry-griffin-m-ed-lpca-ncc	<p>It's important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help.  The "blur" in your memories is your brain's attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past.  To recover them can be a slow process done by a trained professional that you trust.  When you are ready and feel safe, those memories can be recovered and can be integrated with other memories.  This will help to lessen the potency of the memory, help to make sense of what has happened, and allow you to begin the healing process.  Check into therapist who are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  </p>
56e60f1a02b3f7e43463d3f2	Is this depression?	I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.	https://counselchat.com/questions/is-this-depression	Depression	Ben Braaksma	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma	As far as the formal diagnosis of depression goes, it would be hard to determine without more information. It sounds like you are noticing that there is a significant difference between how you are feeling on the inside and how you express yourself outwardly. Part of you is quite distressed and yet it remains invisible to the outside world, almost as if it is trapped inside of your body. Many people who are depressed experience such things as intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, difficulty expressing themselves, and bodily tension (caged animal?). In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what you are going through, the nature of the disconnect between you inner feelings and outer expression, and eventually gain relief from the distress as well as a greater sense of connection with yourself and personal freedom.<br><p><br></p>
56ee53e7a2549bd957c94abe	How can I become more understanding?	null	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-become-more-understanding	Social Relationships	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>I like your beautiful question!</p><p>Start by understanding yourself and your own inner knowledge of who you are and what direction your life must take in order for you to feel comfortable and fulfilled.</p><p>Understanding oneself is a life long activity, even a necessity so that you are able to sense the truth of another person.</p><p>As long as you are taking steps in the direction of self-knowing, you will gradually improve and increase the way and the range of understanding of other people and our world.</p><p>Good luck with your project!</p>
56b6e06492c6c8121977a0ad	How can I unblock my memories?	As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-unblock-my-memories	Trauma	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young.</p><p>Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful.</p><p>Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother.</p><p>Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today.</p><p>The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe.</p><p>Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself.</p><p>Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others.</p><p>Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you.</p><p>They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them!</p>
56e741e2fde92aa3233dc5a6	How can I get over social anxiety?	I have not had a friend since I was 19. I don't go anywhere, and I have no job, all because I'm afraid of people.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-over-social-anxiety	Anxiety	Ben Braaksma	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma	Individual and/or group therapy can be a powerful antidote for social anxiety. Often in therapy, the things that tend to get in the way of our securing satisfying and lasting personal relationships will appear in some way in the therapy relationship and a competent therapist will be able to help you work through this anxiety, in a sensitive way, and eventually encourage you to seek out the personal relationships that you want. In group therapy, you have an opportunity to have a relationship not only with the therapist, but several other people who are all in the group in order to give and receive mutual support to one another.<br><p><br></p>
564b58c85e8030c4305b311b	I feel insecure, on edge, and drink too much.	I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I’ve been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I’m paranoid about driving on main roads. I’m very jumpy at the slightest noises.	https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-insecure-on-edge-and-drink-too-much	Addiction,Substance Abuse,Anxiety	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Sorry hearing about the big amount of stress which you are feeling at this time.</p><p>Since a lot of your stress is directed to uncertainty of whether your wife is happy being with you, would you consider continuing the conversation with her about your understanding of her answer to you?</p><p>Your observation that she says one thing and behaves in a different way, is meaningful.</p><p>Bringing your point to her attention would at the very least demonstrate her interest in showing and explaining her viewpoint about you.</p><p>Basically, you'd be expecting her to care about you and how she handles herself with this question, may clarify what you're trying to find out.</p><p>The good news about your relationship with alcohol, is that you realize you're overdoing it.</p><p>From what you write, the emotional pain and helplessness you feel currently, seem too much to know about all at once.</p><p>One possibility is to accept your feelings of hurt and insecurity.  This is the first step of working with them.   If they start feeling overwhelming, then maybe too, you can distract yourself for a while from the intensity by engaging in an activity that is not self-harming.</p><p>After all, you are the most important person in your life, so keep yourself safe and healthy!</p>
56e8750bfde92aa3233dc5b5	Why am I so mad?	My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment.	https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-so-mad	Anger Management	Sherry Katz, LCSW	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw	<p>Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.</p><p>Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.</p><p>Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.</p><p>Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations.   </p><p>Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.</p><p>If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express.</p>
56ead48b4a6d29576bd60350	How do I get back to my fun, happy self again?	I always see the worst end of things. My boyfriend and I aren't talking, and I swear he's leaving me. I keep failing my road test, and I see my future crumble. I have no desire for friends. I pushed my best friend away after Christmas, and I have no desire to fix it or make new friends. My aunt died, and I cry all the time, even if I burn my lunch.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-back-to-my-fun-happy-self-again	Depression,Grief and Loss	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>I really love that you're taking responsibility for your pessimism here. There's a modern parable about two young brothers. One child is in a room full of every toy you could imagine, and he's miserable; the other is in a room full of horse manure, and he's flinging it around with joy. So then someone comes and asks the first boy why he's so miserable, because he has so much. He says that he's missing the one toy that he really wants. Then the brother is asked why he's so happy in a room full of manure, and he says "With all this sh-t, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!"</p><p>Happiness is a state of mind, and I hear you saying that you used to be happy, so maybe this means you believe it's possible. That's a wonderful start.</p><p>Research on depression shows us that it is very linked to pessimism. You say "I always see the worst end of things". That's pessimism. Life is like an elephant. If all you see is roughness, backup and walk around; the view will change. </p><p>The key to optimism is to build your ability to see the bad things in life as 1. temporary (this will pass. I know how to fix friendships), 2. Specific (not involving the whole of your life), and 3. not your fault (tons of people fail road tests). On the flip side, it helps if we can see good things as 1. more permanent, 2. bleeding into other areas of our lives, and 3. something YOU created. Not taking credit for good things and blaming yourself for the bad ones is typical especially of women. </p><p>The feelings you are having are temporary; you're in a slump and it's a good time to sit down and look at how you can make the picture look different. I think you know how; but you lack energy right now. If tackling this on your own isn't enough, a therapist can help you take that step back to look at the big picture and help you rebuild your natural resilience and capacity for joy. I wish you the best.</p>
56ea1cdf4a6d29576bd60347	Is it bad that I'm giving my ex-boyfriend another chance?	I was in a relationship with him for three years. My mom doesn't like it because she thinks I'm making a mistake. He got married a few months after we broke up, and now he is divorced. I forgave him for what he did in the past, and he says he’s sorry and he really loves me. I love him too, but is it bad that I'm giving him a second chance again?	https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-bad-that-i-m-giving-my-ex-boyfriend-another-chance	Relationships	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>Hey, it might be mistake in the end but this is a risk you want to take and you get to make your own mistakes. Your mom wants to protect you; I get that. Maybe she is worried you'll be hurt again. Were you hurt in some way by him? Can you understand where she's coming from? </p><p>Sometimes when we're mad at our partner and we complain about them to mom, it's hard to know how to repair mom's relationship with the partner when things are better and we reunite. Can you help your mom understand that you take responsibility for your part in how it went wrong; that the picture you may have painted of him isn't the total picture? She might need help there. </p><p>Thank your mom for her love and care, and you can also let her know clearly that you and your boyfriend are the only ones who get to decide whether you're together or not, that it's a risk you are going to take, and that you really need her support. :)</p>
56e8d36efde92aa3233dc5c1	How can I love myself?	I was anxious to go to middle school. I was afraid of what people might say about me, so when school started, I wasn't acting like myself. I was quiet, which I'm usually not. I didn't talk to anybody and didn't have any friends. Then a few years later, my grandma died. I really became depressed and stop going to school for a little. I hated myself and still do. I just need help. I need someone to care for me. I need someone to show that they care.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-love-myself	Depression	Lynda Martens	https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario	<p>I agree; you need more care and support. No one deserves to feel alone, or like they hate themselves. We're all wonderful, imperfect, complicated people and we're at our best when we're all helping each other. I'm glad you wrote this question, because a lot of people have this feeling sometimes. </p><p>I can tell that you're smart, because you seem to sense that the two things you wrote about are connected...you "not being yourself", and then how you felt when your grandma died. </p><p>When Grandma died, you needed and deserved extra love and support, but the people around you didn't seem to give it to you, maybe. My hunch is that they wanted to, but that they didn't know how much you needed it, or what you needed exactly. The older you get, the more you will have to take charge of letting people know what you need. Maybe this is one of the suckier parts of being mature, but that's how it works. </p><p>When you started middle school, it sounds like you changed; you got more quiet, right? That must have felt weird, to not be acting like yourself. It sounds like fear tricked you into thinking people wouldn't like you. Fear can be silly. So then, fear got you to not show yourself, and when we don't show ourselves, people can't see who we are; they don't know us as well and then they don't know what we need and they can't care for us as well either. Fear of not being liked isolated you from the people who love you. It does that to a lot of us. </p><p>So, where you're at right now is because of what fear did to you, and also because when Grandma died you were already isolated so people couldn't see your pain and know that you needed support. </p><p>There's a simple solution, but you'd have to be brave enough to look fear in the face and say "Get off my back!". "You're not helping me by telling me lies." Can you be brave enough to go back to your old, louder, self? If you talk to the people closest to you...tell them what you think and how you feel, then they'll be able to give you the care that you want and deserve. I wish you well as you try this!</p>
56ee38b5a2549bd957c94abc	Why do I keep letting myself get cheated on?	I've been with the mother of my child for years.	https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-keep-letting-myself-get-cheated-on	Self-esteem,Relationships	Sonya Wilson	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson	<p>I would think that you hold little self worth and feel that you are not worthy of better.  I would suggest that you get to know yourself.   What do you NEED in a relationship?  What is holding you to this relationship other than your child?  What have gone on in the relationship that makes you think or feel you deserve such disrespect?  Just a few questions to ask yourself..</p>
56edef2ea2549bd957c94ab6	How can I create a better relationship with my adoptive mother?	We just cannot seem to get along. I cannot have a conversation with her without it turning into World War 3. She treats me like I have no right to an opinion and never really lets me speak. My real mother cares and tries to help me, but she can't do much, because my adoptive mother won't listen to her either.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-create-a-better-relationship-with-my-adoptive-mother	Family Conflict	Sonya Wilson	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson	<p>Going to see a experience counselor would be my advice.  You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find a common ground of understanding.  If she doesn't agree to counseling, really the only person you can change is you.  </p><p>I would suggest that you approach her with love and let her know what you appreciate about her, let her know the great things she have done that could not be replaced or forgotten however you want your relationship to get better than it has been lately.  Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feeling but in a loving way.  </p>
56ecf3f18f546b0a275a1aa0	Why am I all of a sudden having issues communicating with the guy I’m dating?	I started seeing this guy that I met at a mutual friend’s place. He recently broke up with his ex-girlfriend and started seeing me. Everything was great in the beginning, then I started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking he was hanging with his ex-girlfriend again. It’s all I think about. I am still seeing him, but things have changed because I am at a loss for words. I get stuck in my own thoughts. I like and care for him a lot. He just makes me nervous and gives me the butterflies.	https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-all-of-a-sudden-having-issues-communicating-with-the-guy-i-m-dating	Relationships,Anxiety,Self-esteem	Sonya Wilson	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson	<p>Sounds like you are struggling with your own negative thoughts.  As you stated, everything was great then you started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking.  What is contributing to these negative thoughts?  His actions or your past experiences with unhealthy relationships would be my question..</p>
56ec7acb8f546b0a275a1a99	How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?	I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.	https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-with-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-and-its-triggers	Trauma	Sonya Wilson	https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson	<p>Have you tried counseling?  Having PTSD from multiple abusive sexual experiences is very overwhelming for one to handle alone.  You may need the guidance, experience and support of a professional to identify all the triggers that effect you and obtain the best coping skills that would work for you.  </p>