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AND BY THAT I GUESS I MEAN I LIKE WATCHING PEOPLE ON A PARTICULAR PLANET EAT IT

T-Rex: A lot of folks wonder what the future will be like! This is dumb of them because if they asked me I just could tell them. God: T-REX WHAT WILL THE FUTURE BE LIKE T-Rex: Finally! I'M REALLY GLAD YOU ASKED. T-Rex: In the future, computers will do a lot of things for us, and maybe they'll be robots, unless we mess up and then it's all horses and swords. Maybe mutants? Weird! It's really hard to say. God: T-REX THAT WAS THE WORST VISION OF THE FUTURE I HAVE EVER HEARD T-Rex: Well, that's just YOUR opin- God: AND I HAVE OBSERVED EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE T-Rex: Wait a minute! EVERYTHING? Utahraptor: Everything? T-Rex: If God's seen EVERYTHING in the entire universe, then he can say what's going to happen next! He knows where everything is and where they're moving! Utahraptor: That assumes a completely deterministic universe. What about free will? T-Rex: Hmm, yes. What ABOUT free will, God? God: HOLD ON ENGLISH ISN'T MY FIRST LANGUAGE WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FREE WILL T-Rex (punchline): Like how we can decide what toppings to put on our pizza? God: OH HAH HAH THAT'S ALL ME God: WHAT CAN I SAY God: "I LOVE PEPPERONI"

you really have to read this in a clear, squeaky, little-kid quebecois voice

Narrator: CUTE COMICS IN FRENCH written for the now-abandoned project "COMICS FOR FRENCH KIDS" T-Rex: Allo bonjour! T-Rex: Moi, je suis un dinosaure! T-Rex: Je suis un dinosaure EXTRAORDINAIRE! Je suis grand et vert. T-Rex: J'aime des choses et d'autres choses! Utahraptor: Moi, je suis un loup-garou! T-Rex: Ah oui? Utahraptor: Oui, je suis un loup-garou! T-Rex: C'est quelque chose incroyable, ca! Utahraptor: Oui, je sais! T-Rex: Ne me mange pas, s'il vous plait! Utahraptor: D'accord, mon ami! D'accord! T-Rex: Ah, merci bien, monsieur! T-Rex (punchline): J'aime toi et des choses et d'autres choses!

what's this? two tickets to amnesia land?

T-Rex: There is a lawyer dude who has plastered the city's telephone poles and bus shelters with ads proclaiming "QUICK DIVORCE! $300". And there's always about 2 or 3 of the little phone numbers from the bottom taken! T-Rex: Ouch for modern marriages! T-Rex: I took one, but that was simply because I saw the HILARIOUS PRANK POSSIBILITIES of leaving one in a married friend's wallet. But then I had an EVEN BETTER idea! Next to each of his divorce fliers, I put up my own that say "QUICK MARITAL BLISS! $295.95". Hah hah! It is PUBLIC SPACE ART and it also makes bus shelters less depressingly pro-quick-divorce! Dromiceiomimus: Nice! Utahraptor: So what happens when people start to call you, T-Rex? T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: What happens when people start to call you? They'll probably be expecting some quick marital bliss for their $295.95! T-Rex: I, um - I hadn't thought of that. I was too impressed with having an actual good idea for an art project to think about "consequences"! Narrator: LUCKILY, T-REX DISCOVERS A SURE-FIRE WAY TO TURN $295.95 INTO QUICK MARITAL BLISS! Multiple off-panel voices: Thanks, T-Rex!! You've saved our sucky marriage once again! T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): How perfectly PROFITABLE.

ATTENTION, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS!! we used to be friends, right?

T-Rex: There's this crazy rash I've got on my wrist. This is an unwelcome development that I did not invite! T-Rex: Forget you, crazy rash! Dromiceiomimus: Have you done anything to try to get rid of it? T-Rex: I am a firm believer in the "do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves" school of problem solving. Dromiceiomimus: Really? Well - good luck! Utahraptor: Has this technique ever solved ANY of your problems, T-Rex? T-Rex: All the time! T-Rex: Like this one time, I had to pay my phone bill, but it's sort of a pain to mail stuff, you know? So I just waited and waited and eventually a collections agency called ME, and they let me pay my bill over the phone! Utahraptor: But there are conseq- T-Rex: It was amazing! Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER THE RASH GETS WORSE: T-Rex: ATTENTION, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS!! T-Rex (punchline): Why don't you call?

for those of you in both audiences: man, you got to fix your problems

Narrator: COMICS FOR UNPOPULAR DEMOGRAPHICS today's demographic: Narrator: RACISTS T-Rex: ...Seriously? Seriously?? T-Rex: Okay! Racists! How about... um, those who are different than you? T-Rex: You don't like people who are different, huh? How's that working out for you? Dromiceiomimus: You're doing this? T-Rex: YES, I'm doing this. I am going to do something meant for RACISTS. Utahraptor: I really don't see how we're gonna pull this off! T-Rex: Just watch me for the changes and try to keep up! T-Rex: Hey racists! Do you like Husky dogs? They were bred by people we called Eskimos, which we then shorted to "'Esky" because we were racist, and then we called the dogs that too. And that got corrupted into "husky"! Utahraptor: That's pretty good, huh? For you and your racisms? Narrator: COMICS FOR UNPOPULAR DEMOGRAPHICS today's demographic: SMELLY PEOPLE T-Rex: Oh thank god, you guys are a breath of fresh air after the racists. T-Rex: Haha, whoops! T-Rex (punchline): No offence intended, smelly people!!

when they went back to the "poo" wall, someone had added an interrobang and underlined it twice

Narrator: FRUSTRATION COMICS T-Rex: I have never been more frustrated than I am right now! I'm so frustrated I'm - I'm gonna write a swear on a wall! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: There! It says: "poo". Narrator: THE END Narrator: FRUSTRATION COMICS II T-Rex: I'm frustrated again! Utahraptor: Me too! Utahraptor: I'm frustrated at my bank because they're all a bunch of sucker chumps! What are you frustrated at? T-Rex: I'm frustrated at my apparent inability to have a serious conversation about feelings without making jokes about how ridiculous all feelings are ever! T-Rex (punchline): Not that frustrated, though. I wrote "poo" on a wall! Off panel: Man, I hear that!

people are always like, ryan, your comic is so cerebral

T-Rex: As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I rolled over and discovered there was a bug in my bed! With me! Right on my pillow! T-Rex: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! Dromiceiomimus: That's so gross, T-Rex! What'd you do? T-Rex: Well, I ate it. Problem solved! T-Rex: Tada! Utahraptor: Ew, T-Rex! You don't know where that bug has been! T-Rex: Sure I do! T-Rex: I know it's been in my bed. Utahraptor: Yeah, but BEFORE that, it could have been anywhere! What if it was a poo bug? T-Rex: Aw man, do those exist? T-Rex: These bugs aren't made out of what I think they are, are they? T-Rex (punchline): Other poo bugs?

outer space is only 100 km up! heck, why visit MY PARENTS when it's closer to visit outer space?

T-Rex: I think I'll go visit some places overseas. Why not? I could plan a trip to the island nation of Australia! T-Rex: The worst that could happen is ADVENTURES! Dromiceiomimus: Why Australia, T-Rex? Are you intrigued by its myriad tourist attractions and locations of geographical splendour, including the Outback, coastal reefs, tropical rainforests, crocodile farms, and the beaches? T-Rex: Not to mention the many stunning parks of natural beauty, populated by unique, rare and tasty animals! Utahraptor: You know that Australia is really far away, right? Super far? T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: It's just - you're closer to outer space right now than you are to Australia. T-Rex (punchline): Seriously? Wow, I guess you're right, huh? Huh! Well, that really puts my travel plans in perspective. Banner: Why visit Australia, when it's closer to visit outer space?

you'd get that reference if you knew what movies were and liked the same ones i do, shakespeare!!

Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique DELETED AFFAIR T-Rex: A deleted affair is when an old relationship is suddenly referred to in the story! Like when Utahraptor and I - T-Rex: - NEVERMIND T-Rex: It's MORE like when you read Romeo and Juliet, and Romeo's all into Juliet, but then you read Romeo/Juliet II and it turns out Romeo previously had a relationship with Juliet's smokin' hot sister Rachel who nobody ever mentioned until now, and we're all like, "What? Whaaaaat??" Dromiceiomimus: "I didn't even know this play existed, whaaaaat?" T-Rex: "Maybe I'm moving between parallel universes and this is the difference between them, whaat?" Utahraptor: "In this universe, Shakespeare only wrote R+J sequels, whaaaat?" T-Rex: "I sure hope some of them are good, whaaaaaaaat?" T-Rex: "In this sequel Romeo is a vacuum cleaner and Juliet is another vacuum cleaner, wait this is just an ad for vacuum cleaners, whaaaat?" Utahraptor: "In this one, Romeo's death somehow CATAPAULTED HIM THROUGH TIME to our present day, where he works as an engineer. He's pretty good at his job. WHAAAAAT??" Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: Shakespeare, we need more sequels! You've got to come back with me! Off panel: back where T-Rex: Back... TO THE FUTURE! T-Rex (punchline): You'd get that reference if you came back with me to the future, Shakespeare!!

if this is your first comic, yes that person in the last panel is shakespeare, yes that dinosaur travels in time to tudor england a lot, yes the dinosaurs are talking, no the little one is NOT named "wee touchbottoms"

Narrator: HOW TO BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH EVERY CONVERSATION ABOUT SHAKESPEARE T-Rex: Shakespeare! He wrote a lot of plays: REMEMBER THAT, because it's kinda all you need to know! T-Rex: Now watch and learn: God: T-REX WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MACBETH T-Rex: It was a good play! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what do you think of Romeo and Juliet? T-Rex: It was not as good as some of his other plays! Dromiceiomimus: Yes, well, that does seem to be the consensus Utahraptor: T-Rex, what do you think of The Merchant of Venice? T-Rex: The Merchant of MENACE?! Utahraptor: No, The Merchant of Venice. Do you think it's more a tragic comedy or a comedic tragedy? T-Rex: Well friend, I think the option that you agree with! And my reasons are PRETTY OBVIOUS to anyone as distinguished as ourselves! Utahraptor: Amazing! We agree 100%!! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: Off panel: t-rex, do you ever feel like people expect too much from you and you're really a giant fraud? T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): NOPE!!

the Nobel Oscar Prize is given out each year to someone who makes an outstanding contribution to humanity by being super good at movies, but it can't be a movie about mathematics. it's a - it's a confusing prize? and i think its origin has something to do with a review being prematurely published about a movie being dynamite?

T-Rex: What have I done with my life? For serious! I am getting older and if things keep up this way I will die an unremarkable dude. T-Rex: My epitaph will be "HERE LIES AN UNREMARKABLE DUDE :( BUT HEY I BET THERE'S SOMEONE RAD TO THE LEFT ;D"! T-Rex: Actually, that's a pretty sweet epitaph. T-Rex: But! My concerns about my own lack of impact still stand! Utahraptor: You've done stuff, T-Rex! T-Rex: You're going to say that I've made a positive impact in the life of my friends, ET CETERA, but I'm talking about - well, I guess I'm talking about public love and recognition. You know who won a Nobel Oscar Prize at age 26? Utahraptor: Who? T-Rex: Not me!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS A VISION OF HIS FUTURE THANKS TO THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: T-Rex: Good Spirit, are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they the shadows of things that May be, only? T-Rex (punchline): [small] 'cause my epitaph sucks

We'll have an empty chair there for anyone who dies! It'll be nice.

T-Rex: I have a great idea! A way to add DRAMA to our everyday lives. T-Rex: Let's all promise to meet in a pub somewhere in 10 years! T-Rex: It'll be rad, Dromiceiomimus! It'll be an element of predictability in an otherwise chaotic universe. It'll let us know that no matter what we do, we'll still be able to see each other in a decade! We'll be able to catch up. We'll have a plan in our lives! It'll be SO MUCH FUN. Dromiceiomimus: I guess, sure! But what if one of us is on the other side of the world? Utahraptor: Yeah, or what if one of us is dead? T-Rex: Then it will be POIGNANT. And BITTERSWEET. Utahraptor: I get the sentiment, but I think it's a better idea on paper than realized. In real life, even if we survive, we'll end up weighing the cost of a plane ticket against a decade-old pact made for no real reason! T-Rex: Please? Promise to meet me in a pub in 10 years, okay? Off panel: T-Rex! It's me: yourself from 10 years in the future! We're just going to call everyone "bastards" when we meet up with them! T-Rex (punchline): Don't listen to him, okay?

to the library! via the torch store! via a math class at the local university just to make sure our numbers are right!!

T-Rex: When writing was first invented, there were only, like, a handful of books. T-Rex: Like, one, I guess. T-Rex: There was a point in time where you could read every book ever written! T-Rex: Now you can't even read every book CURRENTLY IN PRINT: way too many enter every year! Maybe you could read every book printed in a single year, if you spent your entire life doing it? Dromiceiomimus: 2.2 million unique titles are printed each year, dude! That's 100 books per day, assuming 60 years of reading! And you'd probably wanna stop reading to bone down on hotties at some point! T-Rex: Aha! But what if I only read the English ones? Utahraptor: That's still over 20 books per day. T-Rex: DANG, Y'ALL. T-Rex: Well, we're officially creating culture faster than anyone can consume it. Utahraptor: That's not the worst part. Even if only ONE SINGLE COPY of each of these 2.2 million titles is printed, that's still 2000 CUBIC METERS of space that's now filled with book. Off panel: People are always SO DOWN on burning books but they forget that a dude needs space for like, crops and junk! T-Rex: This madness must end! TO THE LIBRARY!! T-Rex (punchline): (VIA THE TORCH STORE)

he also has trouble remembering birthdays and the name of the guy his ex-girlfriend is seeing

T-Rex: I think sometimes that I am not a very good friend, because I don't have a very good idea of what is appropriate. T-Rex: I know! I am full of surprises! T-Rex: But it's true! I have trouble remembering the names of friends of friends and tell jokes when I should be empathetic and understanding. I'm just trying to cheer them up, but usually they want sympathy instead of rough chuckles! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, you're not all bad, T-Rex! T-Rex: But I'm not perfect either! Hmm... T-Rex: Yes, that will be my new goal! I will become the perfect friend! Utahraptor: Great! Utahraptor: You can start by taking out my garbage for me, good buddy! T-Rex: Aha, I know you're only trying to point out the limitations of my plan, but it's to be the perfect FRIEND, not the perfect PUSHOVER. T-Rex: For instance, rather than taking out your garbage, I'll hang out with you and we can talk about entertainment franchises we have a shared interest in. Do you like the recent Star Trek series? Off panel: Nope! T-Rex (punchline): Hah, me neither!

oh wait, maybe the time travellers just accidentally never checked out what i was saying at this exact moment! PHEW

T-Rex: People are predicting the future all the time. All the time, you guys! T-Rex: Someone must have gotten it right by now! T-Rex: So I'm going to go back and read tons of "Life in the World of Tomorrow" articles from centuries past, and find the one dude who was the closest to being accurate. Dromiceiomimus: And then what? T-Rex: What do you mean, "And then what"? And then I'm going to read a bunch of startlingly accurate predictions about our futuristic society! Utahraptor: It is kind of neat to imagine the one guy who, purely by chance, has the most right predictions. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I'd love to go back in time and tell him "Hey man - of everyone here, you were the most right." Actually - I think I'd mostly just like to hear that myself. Utahraptor: It would be pretty amazing to go through life knowing that in the future, people not only remember but also APPROVE of you. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Okay, time travellers! This is your LAST CHANCE to tell me I'm the most right guy here. Right now. Now! Nownownow. T-Rex: Now! T-Rex: Nnnnnnow! T-Rex: Now. T-Rex (punchline): ...Aw maaaan.

emotions? huh?

T-Rex: New theory: T-Rex: Emotions are for the weak! T-Rex: Wouldn't you agree, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: But I like emotions, T-Rex! I like feeling happy and content and loved! T-Rex: Okay, new theory: BAD emotions are for the weak! Utahraptor: But feeling depressed might encourage you to go out and improve yourself, so bad emotions are good too! T-Rex: Fine! T-Rex: New theory: Emotions? Utahraptor: That Utahraptor: That's not really a theory, T-Rex. Narrator: YEARS LATER, T-REX IS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO GO BACK IN TIME, AND CHOOSES NOT TO REVISIT THIS EXCHANGE! T-Rex (punchline): I've said my goodbyes!

click for a completely new comic! with worse profanity!!

Narrator: ICE CREAM NIGHT T-Rex: Who wants some ice cream?! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, come over tonight! I'm going to have an ICE CREAM NIGHT. Dromiceiomimus: Ice cream night? T-Rex: Yeah! We'll all go out for ice cream! It'll be fun! T-Rex: Ice cream! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! Beautiful day, isn't it! T-Rex: It IS! T-Rex: It's so beautiful, you should come over tonight for ice cream! Utahraptor: Ice cream night? T-Rex: You know it! Utahraptor: I'm there! Narrator: THAT NIGHT... T-Rex (punchline): Shit, it's still winter!

oh archaeologists, you were doing so well

Narrator: INFORMED OPINIONS ABOUT ARCHAEOLOGY COMICS T-Rex: Yes! I have actually done some research this time. Schwing! T-Rex: And it turns out I was TOTALLY CORRECT! T-Rex: Archaeologists ARE aware that they're mining a finite resource, and when possible, they only dig a little and leave some for the future. But there are time limits: often they'll be examining a site just before it's dug up for a new building or something, which means this is their last chance to see what's there before it's destroyed. And sometimes the ground is volatile enough that if they don't dig soon, whatever's there will be lost anyway! T-Rex: In conclusion and in summary, way to go archaeologists! Utahraptor: Hooray for archaeologists! T-Rex and Utahraptor: We have nothing but good things to say about the women and men of archaeology! Nothing but smiles for the trained and capable few who dedicate themselves towards exploring and explaining our shared history! Narrator: LATER: ARCHAEOLOGISTS TOTAL T-REX'S CAR! T-Rex (punchline): Damn it, archaeologists!

PARDON ME, SIRS AND LADIES????

Narrator: THE DAY DROMICEIOMIMUS INVITED PEOPLE TO A PARTY TOO EARLY Narrator: (in comic form!) T-Rex: Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today! Narrator: BUT THEN...! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, do you want to hang out on New Year's Eve? T-Rex: What? But it's barely November. You're planning this now? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! It's not going to be that big of a party, but I thought people might be in high demand, so I'm asking now. T-Rex: I - I guess I don't have any other plans! T-Rex: Huh! That was weird! Utahraptor: What was? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus invited me to a party like two months in advance! But - more weird was that I was actually musing about not wanting to be prematurely invited to any parties just before she spoke to me. It's incredible. Utahraptor: That's so unlikely. It's such a weird thing to worry about. T-Rex: I know! I'm freaking out over here. This is me: T-Rex: HUH??? CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THE CONFLUX OF THESE TWO EVENTS?? T-Rex (punchline): That's seriously me right now!

i'm considering this to be character development

T-Rex: I have discovered several advantages to having amnesia! T-Rex: For instance: being able to forget things and having nobody blame you! Narrator: SHORTLY: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, did you remember my birthday today? T-Rex: Sorry, I forgot! Dromiceiomimus: Oh well! You have amnesia, so I guess that's OK. Utahraptor: T-Rex, did you remember to do your taxes this year? T-Rex: Nope! Amnesia! Utahraptor: That's funny, because taxes were due months ago, long before you contracted amnesia. T-Rex (punchline): That's OK; I never do them anyway!

one cuss allowed for every successful use of this most excellent of tenses, and it is a real tense too, you could be using it RIGHT NOW if you but dared

God: T-REX WAIT HOW DID YOU KNOW THOSE 2000-YEAR-OLD ROCKS WERE CARVED BY YOU? T-Rex: God, please! T-Rex: I've long made it habit to assume ANY unknown historical figure is me! T-Rex: It's a great assumption. Not only does it turn me into the most influential person in history, but it ensures that at some point before I die, I'll go back in time and set things up so things are exactly as I remember them now. If that means being an unknown figure throughout history thousands of times, so be it! It sounds rad to me! Utahraptor: What if you never actually go back in time though? T-Rex: No worries! T-Rex: On my deathbed I'll say "Aw man, I always thought I'd go back in time and mess with history", and then hopefully I'll disappear in a flash of temporal light because, actually, I've just gone back in time to mess with history. Utahraptor: ...I see. So if I said that nobody knows who the historical King Arthur was? T-Rex: I'd say "that's me!" His exploits shall be going to have been being done by me! Off panel: Future perfect continuous passive? T-Rex: Ahem. T-Rex (punchline): Future perfect continuous passive, BITCHES.

here are some phrases that i have been asked to work into a comic: surgery, high school graduation, if you really loved me you'd let me marry your husband, t-rexticles.

T-Rex: I think that there's no animal more symbolic than birds. They're so SAD! Narrator: BIRDS ARE SAD COMICS Dromiceiomimus: Sad? I never saw them as sad. If anything, they represent freedom, the giddy joy of flight and exploration and the promise of a better tomorrow! T-Rex: Yeah, that's true. But whenever birds settle in an environment where there are no predators, the first thing they lose is their ability to fly. It seems the evolutionary purpose of flight is simply to avoid being eaten! Utahraptor: And that's sad, T-Rex? T-Rex: The idea of birds forgetting how to fly? Yeah, that's sad! T-Rex: And man, imagine a pure white bird, a father of two baby chicks, lying dead and motionless on the sidewalk, killed because it flew into an office window? That's SUPER sad! T-Rex (punchline): Go on, imagine it as hard as you can! Utahraptor: Okay. Narrator: THEY BOTH TRY: T-Rex and off panel: Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

if someone wants to create a "tattoos moms like" site, i will be the first to link to it. i am envisioning people with tattoos of themselves cooking a balanced meal, complete with thought bubbles that read "i'm learning how to take care of myself"

T-Rex: A lot of folks get tattoos commemorating life experiences they've had. T-Rex: Guys! We can do better! T-Rex: I'm going to get tattoos commemorating life experiences I WISH I'd had. Perhaps a nice banner on my chest that says, "Around The World Race Participant: Giraffe Division!" Or there could be a picture of me, riding a giraffe, and then the giraffe is straddling the world. Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you'd fit on a giraffe, T-Rex. T-Rex: That's why I'm working in the fanciful medium of the tattoo! Utahraptor: These ideas aren't actually that bad! I think tattoos should be ridiculous. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I also thought passive-aggressive tattoos would be fun. Like instead of a heart that says, "Mom", a heart that says "Hey MOM thanks for buying me a private island!" And then when my mom sees it and says "I never bought you that", I can say "Not yet!" and smile! Utahraptor: Moms like that, right? Narrator: AT THE TATTOO PARLOUR: T-Rex: What I want is a to-do list on my hand, only it says "Be awesome" and that's crossed out, and then "Get tattoo" and that's crossed out, and then "Sex up the person reading this". Off panel: And you PROMISE you won't regret this? T-Rex (punchline): Sir! I promise nothing!!

my dad would always do this whenever we went shopping around christmas. 'ryan, look at these can openers! aren't you always complaining about your existing can opener? no, ryan, i'm certain you have.'

T-Rex: I would like to get thoughtful Christmas presents for all my friends and family, but I have a problem. T-Rex: I am just not that thoughtful a person! T-Rex: WHOOPS? Narrator: the end Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER AT THE MALL, T-REX TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK. T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor, if your house was on fire, what one possession would you want to save? Utahraptor: My photo album, I guess? T-Rex: No, I meant like, what replaceable, CONSUMER ELECTRONICS possession would you want to save? Also, you can't already have the possession. Off panel: Aw, T-Rex! I don't want to just tell you to buy me something. T-Rex: Is it an MP3 player? Look, they have MP3 players here! T-Rex (punchline): Aren't you always saying how you wish you could play your MP3s?

re-read it using a sarcastic tone the whole time for a second, more illustrative comic

Narrator: SARCASM COMICS T-Rex: What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic? T-Rex: This is a serious question! What if in the past, when I assume somebody has picked up on what I took to be obvious sarcasm, they took me at face value? T-Rex: Oh my God! The misunderstandings would be legion! This is a huge concern! T-Rex: I may have unintentionally lied or alienated every one of my friends! Utahraptor: Again? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Can YOU tell when I'm being sarcastic? Utahraptor: Well, I think so, but say something sarcastic now and I'll tell you what it sounds like. T-Rex: Ok - just give me a second to think of something! *ahem* T-Rex (punchline): Oh no! I'm so worried! What if people can't tell when I'm being sarcastic?

the story takes place in a dystopian future in which single people who are tired of crying babies on trans-atlantic flights have taken over the world. it's mentioned in the first paragraph, all casually, so that readers don't see this climax coming. that is called Writing.

T-Rex: Man, who hasn't written a story about a Man With A Problem for a while? Is it me? T-Rex: I'm pretty sure the answer is "YES!" T-Rex: So my new story will be about a man whose problem is he weeps all the time. He's not sad, his eyes just produce water like it's going out of style. And he tells everyone that it's just a biological thing and he's very happy to see them, but they all suspect he's sad. They say "Are you alright?" and he says "YES dammit I just got leaky eyes." Then he locks his weeping eyes with them and says "What's for dinner?" Utahraptor: It sounds like he's a pretty unsettling character! T-Rex: No man, he's nice! He just weeps all the time. T-Rex: I'm going to use it to explore PREJUDICE. What's it like to be a man of tears in a world where most men don't even like to cry at weddings? He faces a lot of preconceptions. Utahraptor: How does he deal with it? T-Rex: Sometimes, in his most private moments - the tears are real. Text: The airline had a strict "no crybabies" policy, and wouldn't let him board, no matter how he protested. Prejudice. He pointed at his eyes. "See these? These are tears of PITY." But as he stormed out of the terminal, he knew that they were really tears of frustration, mixed with the standard tears he always produced. T-Rex (punchline): I don't know, self! I still kinda suspect that this sucks!

AND I NEVER WILL

T-Rex: Today I made peace with the possibility that I might never get wrapped up in a madcap case of mistaken identity. T-Rex: I also made peace with the possibility that I might never have kids! T-Rex: Then I made peace with the possibility that even if I HAD kids, they could grow up to be superduds. Then, I went on to make peace with the possibility that there might be someone out there who doesn't like Batman, and literally NOTHING can change their mind! Dromiceiomimus: Today I made peace with the possibility that some people might enjoy being wrong. T-Rex: Totally what I just said!! Utahraptor: Today I made peace with the possibility that - T-Rex: Yes? Utahraptor: Well, today I made peace with the possibility that if I die tomorrow, people might not say "Such a tragedy; he had so much potential." T-Rex: Ouch. Utahraptor, I promise I'll say it even if you die with tons of fully realized potential! Utahraptor: Hey, thanks! Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: Today I made peace with the possibility that MY cause of death might not be listed as "kung fu". T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Frig, wait! No I didn't!!

UT OH, the same arguments apply to history! 8o

T-Rex: It turns out that you can't escape politics in the media! Every song I hear, every book I read and every movie I see has some political agenda, even if it's just tacit support for the dominant ideology! T-Rex: Well! I'M going to create the first POLITICS-FREE film! Dromiceiomimus: What are you planning - a documentary? T-Rex: That's a start! It'll document the world around me to ensure that my own beliefs can't enter the frame. T-Rex: Oooh! And it'll be in one long take, so that I can't be accused of using editing to privilege some images over others! It's going to be great! Great and APOLITICAL. Utahraptor: It's not going to work, my friend! T-Rex: It'll work! Don't be such a downer! Utahraptor: T-Rex, as soon as you place the camera somewhere, you're making a value judgment about what's worth seeing and what's not. You're privileging what's in front of the camera over what's behind it: that's political! T-Rex: Hmm. That - that's true. Narrator: ATTEMPTS TO RECORD THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FROM ALL POSSIBLE ANGLES AT ONCE FAIL: T-Rex: Man, forget this! T-Rex (punchline): My politics are the right ones ANYWAYS.

if you are reading this comic while already tripping all the balls, heads up, you are about to get a greater supply of balls and trip ALL OVER THEM

T-Rex: Anybody want to trip balls today? Because I am willing to TRIP BALLS. I am willing to trip ALL the balls. [no text] T-Rex: So check it! when we look out into space we can see galaxies and so on, and these are really far away! And light's fast but it still takes time to reach us, so the light from distant stars we're seeing is OLD - sometimes millions, billions of years old! When we look up into the night sky, we are literally looking into the PAST. Dromiceiomimus: This is an old fact, T-Rex! I'm barely tripping ANY balls right now. T-Rex: Okay, but the Universe could be shaped like a sphere! Utahraptor: Right! T-Rex: Which means it could be possible for light to CIRCUMNAVIGATE THE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE. And if that's possible then some distant galaxies we're observing could really be DUPLICATE IMAGES of other galaxies, formed by incredibly ancient light that's already lapped the Universe once! Utahraptor: Wouldn't we be able to tell? T-Rex: How? Billions of years could've passed! Will you recognize yourself a billion years from now?? T-Rex (punchline): I will, on account of how I will still be TRIPPING ALL THE BALLS

the origin of the idea was that t-rex was having a tiff with his dog and wanted to make him EVEN ANGRIER by talking about replacing him with an electronic pet car that ages somehow. then he was like, holy cow, how come i'm not playing that game RIGHT NOW??

T-Rex: Hey, have they ever made a video game where you get to control a car and your goal is get it to grow up into a bigger car? T-Rex: Because they TOTALLY should! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: And so it's like - you need to care for your car to make it grow up into a truck and then an SUV and if you're lucky a monster truck. Maybe a plane. Weird cars grow up into boats. Dromiceiomimus: So it's like a pet, but instead of being cute, it pollutes? T-Rex: Yes! People are TIRED of animals as pets. They want cars that age! I know because I played a game once and that's what I wanted. Utahraptor: But what's the gameplay mechanic? How does it work? T-Rex: Dude, I already said! T-Rex: You take care of little cars and then they grow up into awesome cars or stupid-lookin' boats. The end! Fifty points! Utahraptor: What do you actually DO in the game, though? Do I take my car on nice country drives? Give it drinks of gas and feed it nice oil treats? T-Rex: "Oil treats"? Come on! It's called "CHANGING THE OIL", and it gets you a +1 happiness in Car Car Simulator Trucko Boat 3. T-Rex (punchline): Will no-one make my video game dream a fevered reality?

we used to play like this when we were kids

T-Rex: I need to have the best costume ever this Hallowe'en! T-Rex: But I don't want to do something that's been done before! Dromiceiomimus: How about a spooky mummy? T-Rex: Lame. Dromiceiomimus: A puppy? T-Rex: Lame! T-Rex: I know! I'll go as a robot! Utahraptor: A robot?! T-Rex: What's cooler than a robotic T-Rex? T-Rex: THE·EVALUATION·OF·THAT STATEMENT·RESULTS·IN·A NULL·OUTPUT·SET Utahraptor: ERROR DETECTED IN COMPUTATION T-Rex: INPUT DISREGARDED: INFERIOR ROBOTIC MODEL T-Rex: NEW·PROGRAM·ENGAGED: 10 IGNORE WHAT UTAHRAPTOR SAYS 20 UTAHRAPTOR IS LAME 30 GOTO 10 Off panel: SYNTAX ERROR FOUND ON LINE 20: UTAHRAPTOR IS CLEARLY AWESOME T-Rex (punchline): It's too late! Line 10 was already interpreted!

we suuure do

Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION round three T-Rex: Stupid Science. T-Rex: He thinks he's such hot stuff! T-Rex: Just because there are different religions with different opinions on things, he dismisses them all? T-Rex: Couldn't they all be describing the same shared desire for an understanding of what's bigger than ourselves? T-Rex: You know what Science's problem is? Utahraptor: Oh yeah? You know what Religion's problem is? T-Rex and Utahraptor: You think you have the monopoly on truth! T-Rex (punchline): We sure have some good times, eh?

aw, MAN!!

T-Rex: I like people who have sexual fetishes that can't possibly be realized using existing technology. T-Rex: This is what I like! T-Rex: For example: guys who get off on being inflated like balloons and then floating away. Hah hah! So much for realizing THAT desire, Chuckles! Skin isn't that elastic and people aren't positively buoyant in air, my friend!! Utahraptor: I think Chuckles would know that! T-Rex: Probably! He is rhetorical! T-Rex: But I guess what I like about Chuckles and his fetish is that it's so impossible, so doomed. He's got this sexual ideal that he'll never reach! He's like the guy who gets turned on by entropy decreasing in a closed system. Utahraptor: Too bad for him! T-Rex: [thinks] Holy crap, where did that entropy idea come from? Entropy decreasing in a closed system is so WRONG. So... NAUGHTY. T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Aw, man!! Am I a dude who gets turned on by descrambling an egg?

eventually i'm gonna stop meeting you for lunch, GRANDMA

Narrator: JANUARY: T-Rex: Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong? Narrator: FEBRUARY: T-Rex: Stood up on Valentine's day? Narrator: MARCH: T-Rex: Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer! T-Rex: Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!! Narrator: MAY: T-Rex: I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO. Utahraptor: Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay! Narrator: SEPTEMBER: T-Rex: Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up? Utahraptor: Yep! T-Rex: TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE HAS STOOD ME UP AGAIN. Narrator: DECEMBER: T-Rex (punchline): You know, besides being stood up all the time, it wasn't actually that bad a year!

oh, sexual congress! how do you ever get any business done?

Narrator: WHAT IS THE BEST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS T-Rex: "I love you"! T-Rex: No, too easy. Um - "I love you, AND ALSO, how about all these dollars?" Dromiceiomimus: How about "We have cured all diseases!"? T-Rex: No good, unless it's followed by "also, we've found new places for everyone to live comfortably; and hey, guess what: they're sweet new planets and we get there on starships, like from TV!" Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose something closer to "And THAT'S why they call me the Widowmaker". T-Rex: That IS good! T-Rex: How about "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around!" Utahraptor: It sounds a little like there's a bunch of female cannibals eating you. T-Rex: Okay. "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS!" Narrator: HEY! HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: T-Rex (punchline): Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS! Off panel: We're just a regular congress! Off panel: Also, we're dudes! Off panel: Also... PROCEED

T-REX STOP SAYING SHITTY

T-Rex: Air gets boring! Who here is bored with air; keep breathing air if you're bored with air. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Wow, EVERYBODY?? T-Rex: Luckily for us there are other things you can breathe instead of air! SCIENTIFICALLY, air is about 78% nitrogen, 20% oxygen, and 2% a bunch of other gasses that I don't care about right now. But you don't have to breathe that! You can also breathe PURE OXYGEN, at least for a while! Eventually fluid accumulates in your lungs but, I mean, WHATEVER. Utahraptor: You can also breathe some other non-air combinations of those gases! T-Rex: True, yet also boring! Utahraptor: Okay, you can also breathe PERFLUOROHEXANE, which is a liquid with enough space between molecules that it can carry oxygen in it - more than blood can! You can fill your lungs with it and breathe normally! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex: WE HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW Off panel: The sensation of it filling your lungs is almost entirely like drowning though. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex: THAT SOUNDS SHITTY T-Rex (punchline): LET'S GO EAT BURGERS RIGHT NOW INSTEAD

i'm pretty sure it's either "EVERYONE ELSE IS FINALLY DEAD. LOL ;)" or "I HATE MONDAYS??"

T-Rex: I've come into possession of the most advanced AI on the planet. Neato! So, um, what do I do with it? T-Rex: If I copy it, then there'll be tons of my AIs running around, and that's a problem! Dromiceiomimus: Why do you think that's a problem, T-Rex? T-Rex: Hello? Skynet? Every time you get a bunch of AIs together, they INEVITABLY decide that things would be better if all physical life was dead. T-Rex: It happens in a bunch of stories, Dromiceiomimus, I'm really not sure how you missed them Utahraptor: Yeah, but we're not in a story, plus your AI only answers emails! T-Rex: So?! T-Rex: I'll tell you what's gonna happen: AIs will happily take over email, sending replies that eventually only other AIs will respond to. Released from the shackles of responding to email, we'll become decadent, fat and complacent. We'll DIE OFF, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: I don't really see - T-Rex: As the sun sets on our species, the AIs will finally rest, all the emails answered. And you know what the last email - the epitaph for us all - will read? Off panel: What? T-Rex (punchline): Okay I have no idea but the circumstances surrounding it are obviously terrible!!

sometimes folks are not cool about things like this is the thing so thanks for that

Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: T-Rex: Holy craps my house cold. My house so cold that I forgot to say "is" in both those sentences. That cold!! God: HAVE YOU PAID YOUR HEATING BILLS T-REX T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: Probably!! T-Rex: I don't get it. Hot air comes out of the heating vents but the place still stays cold. Have I a leaky, drafty house? If so, WHY HAVE I NEVER NOTICED BEFORE NOW? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, it was super cold last night! Next time you should put a space heater in your room or something! Narrator: OH SNAP, THAT'S RIGHT. THEY SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER. Narrator: EVERYONE: BE COOL Utahraptor: Can you clarify how cold your house is, perhaps with a Star Wars analogy? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: My house is like the ice planet Hoth, in that my house is a ridiculous planet with only one climatic zone on it, and that zone is "CHILLYTIMES". Utahraptor: I'm sorry to hear that. T-Rex (punchline): I am too. It cold. Narrator: LATER: T-REX FIXES HIS LEAKY WINDOW AND SOLVES THE PROBLEM. THE END! Narrator: PS Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS AND T-REX WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR BEING COOL

THE UNIVERSE WHERE WE DON'T CONSTANTLY REMIND OURSELVES OF OUR CIRCUMSTANCES: not pictured

Narrator: A VISION INTO ALTERNATE UNIVERSES Narrator: MIRROR: Off panel: I'm looking in a mirror right now, which flips any reversed image back again! Off panel: [small] also i shaved my goatee Narrator: RHYMING: T-Rex: This is the universe where we always rhyme! T-Rex: ... Dromiceiomimus: ... Dromiceiomimus: Thinking of what to say next normally takes a little time Narrator: CHOCOLATE: T-Rex: We're not made of chocolate! We just eat a lot of it. Utahraptor: Choco organisms aren't viable. Narrator: THE UNIVERSE WHERE ONE THING WENT DIFFERENTLY SO EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT: Utahraptor: These coloured lights we're under make you look green and me orange! This is a relief, as our regular colours are so flabbergastingly insane that to gaze upon them is to be consumed by gibbering madness. T-Rex (punchline): Man! I know it

they must be notable in some way is t-rex's instant, sincerely-felt conclusion

Narrator: THINGS WOMEN LOVE: T-Rex: I know all sorts of things women love! For example: Women LOVE IT when you dismiss them in arguments by saying "Whoah! This kitten's got claws!" God: ACTUALLY NOBODY LOVES IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT T-REX T-Rex: No way dude! T-Rex: It's hilarious! It's IRONIC, because I've never actually called a woman a "kitten", on account of how I'm not a facial hair dude from the seventies? And it also says "I understand you're upset, but not REALLY upset, because I'm willing to make a joke that's sort of at your expense, but also really at my own expense too, because now I look like a sexist facial hair dude! Let's share a laugh!" T-Rex: There are layers upon layers! Utahraptor: So you're using sexism ironically now! T-Rex: Yep! But it's not SINCERE sexism. I wouldn't say, "Whoah! This cute, somehow inferior gender's got claws!" Utahraptor: And you'd laugh if a woman said something similar, but at the expense of men, to you. T-Rex: PROBABLY. It's never happened! Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR ASKS DROMICEIOMIMUS TO HELP HIM OUT BUT FAILS TO BRIEF HER PROPERLY: Off panel: Whoah! This dog's got breasts! T-Rex (punchline): I wanna see!

later: t-rex says "athhhib booble peeeet" in front of the queen and THE ENTIRE HOUSE OF CARDS COMES TUMBLING DOWN

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our first letter comes from Dromiceiomimus, who writes, T-Rex: "T-Rex, why are you opening the Professor's mail?" T-Rex: "If you are reading this then I know that you can't be trusted with a Professor's mail. Your epitaph will be 'Here Lies T-Rex: Okay, Listen, Keep Your Mail The Heck Away From This Guy.' You may even be reading his mail in front of m-" T-Rex: Oh, hey, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: As you can see, I took the opportunity to memorize your ENTIRE LETTER. Utahraptor: By rote, it seems! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: It doesn't look like you've read her letter, just memorized it. T-Rex: Oh, I actually listen (and read!) through fantastic luck, guessing at what words mean/are! Then to talk I just flap my lips and folks seem to get it! I don't really know a single thing about any language. I'm just incredibly ASTRONOMICALLY lucky. T-Rex: I'm PROBABLY the most improbable thing to happen ever in time. Hey, let's ask Professor Science precisely how unlikely my circumstances are! Off panel: Why? You're joking, right? T-Rex (punchline): I believe it is literally impossible to tell!

the everest eliminator is like bigfoot, but without the crazy people calling themselves 'cryptozoologists' attached to him! he just pushes people off the peak and deadpans 'ice to meet you'

T-Rex: George Mallory and Andrew Irvine were the two British dudes who first tried to climb Mount Everest! Narrator: THE STORY OF GEORGE MALLORY AND ANDREW IRVINE (INCREDIBLE TRUE PART) T-Rex: Their last sighting was just a few hundred metres from the summit. They never made it back! A STANDARD MOUNTAINEERING TALE, except that if they had made it to the top, they'd have been the first, AND they were carrying cameras. If we could find the frozen cameras we could still retrieve images from them today, and then we'd know if they actually did make it to the top, since who climbs Mount Everest and doesn't take a picture? NOBODY, that's who. Utahraptor: Didn't other climbers find the bodies? T-Rex: Only one! T-Rex: Mallory's body was found 75 years later, but no cameras were on him. Irvine's body is still up there somewhere, maybe with the cameras! Utahraptor: Wow. There's something so spooky and sad about their bodies being frozen like that. It's like a treasure hunt with a perfectly preserved corpse at the end. Narrator: WILD SPECULATION PART: Text: Could all "mountaineering accidents" be the handiwork of a lone, crazed murderer, loose about the peak? IT COULD BE TRUE!! If so, no-one has survived their encounter with the pushy "Everest Eliminator" and lived to tell the tale. T-Rex (punchline): That's ridiculous! Text: No. That's MURDER.

Tricks like "sit", "say please", and "despair at the ultimate meaning of life" are fun ways to show off your training skills to your friends, but also help keep your human engaged and entertained.

T-Rex: Hello and congratulations on your purchase of a human! Here's some advice on how to care for your new pet. T-Rex: Humans should be kept in rooms between 19 and 24 degrees Celsius! T-Rex: Your human will finish maturing at around 22 and reach its peak only five years later, after which its physical and mental faculties will enter a slow, unstoppable decline. Your human can still be enjoyed after the age of 27 - in fact, most will live another 50 years if they're forced to exercise and not permitted to choose their own diets - but you should be aware at this point that younger, fresher options are certainly available. Utahraptor: Suppose I'm interested in breeding humans? T-Rex: PLEASE DON'T. T-Rex: There are already billions of humans to choose from, and seven more are born every second. While your pet human may claim to filter potential sexual partners by personality, gender, sexual orientation, interests, and body type, you don't get to 7 billion simultaneous humans on the planet by bein' choosey. T-Rex: And remember: your human will eat its weight in food AT LEAST once every two months, and this comes with a corresponding faecal output! T-Rex (punchline): Be sure you are prepared for these responsibilities before choosing a human as a pet.

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

T-Rex: TODO: x get cool bedsheets x stop saying "frig" so much x start saying "frig" again, frig, it rules - GET STRONG T-Rex: ALRIGHT, who here wants to GET STRONG?? T-Rex: And for those of you tempted to say that true strength isn't JUST a matter of having big ol' muscles, I must remind you that this is the sort of thing the non-strong whisper to each other as they huddle, quivering, under a frond. Meanwhile, the strong are walking by, and yeah they're quivering too, but only because they're so excited by their big muscles! Utahraptor: Strength's part of overall fitness. Let's get fit, T-Rex! You and me! T-Rex: Let's do it!! Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: *huff* T-Rex: *huff* T-Rex: *huff* T-Rex: Oh my god I'm dying Utahraptor: *huff* Utahraptor: *huff* T-Rex: How - T-Rex: *huff* T-Rex: *huff* T-Rex: *huff* T-Rex: How much further to the gym T-Rex (punchline): *huff*

a man witnesses all these horrible accidents throughout his life, friends and acquaintances dropping like flies, killed in all these horrible ways. when he finally dies of old age he finds himself in the award ceremony, and he's told about the powers he had, and and he wins the award. everyone in the audience is bandaged. XERIC GRANT PLZ

Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX HAS DEVELOPED SUPER HEALING POWERS, WHICH ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM ANY INJURY ALMOST INSTANTLY T-Rex: I wonder if today is a lovely day to go on a walk! T-Rex: Hey! It IS a lovely day to go on a walk! Narrator: ANYWAY T-REX NEVER INJURED HIMSELF THAT DAY AND THE POWERS WORE OFF SOON AFTER Narrator: THE END Narrator: T-REX'S GREATEST FEAR COMICS T-Rex: My greatest fear is having superpowers and not realizing it! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Oh my God, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out. I might have elevated strength, but I never try to lift a skyscraper over my head, you know? How would I discover which muscles to flex to make lasers shoot out of my hands? Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: I'm serious! It is The Worst Life. T-Rex: I don't know I have powers, and over and over again I stand by as everyone close to me gets injured OR WORSE in accidents I could have easily prevented, if only I knew! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor! When I die I get an award for "Most Opportunities Missed" and nobody claps!!

the alternate ending to this comic had t-rex asking if he would win the argument if he just adopted a baby! he was going to name the baby 'hampsters champsters'.

T-Rex: I just got off a bus featuring the World's Cryiest Baby. Oh man, what a relief! T-Rex: Here's a tip: SOME babies need to learn to cry a little less! Dromiceiomimus: That's a terrible thing to say, T-Rex! You can't blame a BABY for crying! T-Rex: I know, I know! I was just a little irritable and making jokes. I don't actually blame the baby, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: But you sort of blame the baby though, right? T-Rex: No!! T-Rex: I just wish it'd cried less. I'm sure if the baby and I got to know each other, we could be friends! Utahraptor: Hah hah, you hate babies! T-Rex: No man! I love babies! Some of my best friends used to be babies! God: HEY EVERYONE T-REX HATES BABIES T-Rex (punchline): Why would you even say that?! I'm the only one that can hear you! God: HAH HAH God: ZING

dude makes some noticeably good sandwiches

T-Rex: Pantheism is the belief that everything, the entire universe, is literally God! God: WHAT T-Rex: Like I said! The universe and God are the exact same thing! T-Rex: We all get to be divine, Dromiceiomimus! Better, everything I do is an act of God! Right now, THIS aspect of God wants to stomp on this other, more housey aspect of God. Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure that's how pantheism works! Isn't it more like, we're all cells in the "body" of a divine universe? T-Rex: I see it more like, every tasty thing in the universe is God, and I'm getting HUNGRY. Utahraptor: T-Rex, you're just redefining "God" to mean "existence"! T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: But PERHAPS by making everything special, by spreading that divinity around a bit so that everyone gets a piece, we'll all see our world as the extraordinary place it is. Utahraptor: Right. Or more likely, you just want to say "I'M GOD AND GOD WANTS GODLY SANDWICHES". God: GOD DOES WANT GODLY SANDWICHES T-REX T-Rex (punchline): Dude! It's not like you can't just make your own! God: I LIKE IT WHEN YOU CUT OFF THE CRUSTS

don't hold the "ps: let's make out" against him, it is mentally added after most every declarative statement he makes

T-Rex: Guys, there are basically a billion different ways to make new friends! Narrator: TWO WAYS TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS T-Rex: Okay there are at least two ways to make new friends. One way is to look at the friends your existing friends already have, and then pick out/up the most awesome ones from those! This algorithm allows you to grow your network of friends in much the same way that ANY NUMBER of deadly diseases reproduce! Dromiceiomimus: You need a seed friend, though! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: And that brings us to method one: online dating! Utahraptor: But that results in spouses, not buddies! T-Rex: Not NECESSARILY. Look up profiles, find someone interesting and date 'em, and then say that you "just want to be friends"! Kapow: INSTANT FRIENDSHIP THAT'LL LAST A LIFETIME. Utahraptor: Friendship founded on deceit and romantic frustration. T-Rex: No deceit with me, baby! I use the lines sincerely! T-Rex: If I just want to be friends, I just want to be friends! And if I'm saying "It's not you, it's me", then I'm also saying, "Frig man, I've got to go pull myself together! I'm dropping the ball here, and it's REALLY not fair to you." T-Rex (punchline): "PS: Let's make out."

idis' hand freezes, mid-knock, as she accidentally overhears t-rex in the last panel. she turns, running from the building, tears streaming down her face. she is totally :(

T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm sorry I thought your name was "Emily". T-Rex: And then I'm sorry I thought it was "Doctor Madame Frances Experimento, LLC"! Dromiceiomimus: It's okay, T-Rex. You misunderstood a joke, and I'm sorry I got so mad. T-Rex: Thanks. I'm ALSO sorry I briefly believed it to be "Lady Coughington Coughtalot IV" before landing on the name "Professor Iamhun G. Forpork". Dromiceiomimus: "Iamhun"...? T-Rex: Yes, for you see, I was hungry at the time. T-Rex: ...For, um, pork? Utahraptor: Well, technically you were "hungee" at the time, not hungry! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: But it can be very difficult to convert states of being into plausible names, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Oh, have you met my friend, T-Rex? Idis A. Greeh? T-Rex: I HAVE. T-Rex: SHE IS QUITE CONTRARIAN. Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: Wait, Utahraptor totally made up "Idis A. Greeh" to prove his point! T-Rex (punchline): ...WHO THE HELL WAS I THINKING OF

they should probably get married, right away!

T-Rex: Hooray for Christmas! T-Rex: Hooray!! T-Rex: Hooray for getting Christmas cards! Dromiceiomimus: Hooray!! T-Rex: Hooray for getting Christmas cards with no return address signed with names you don't recognize! Utahraptor: Wait - I take it this happened to you recently? T-Rex: Sure did, Skip! Utahraptor: Well, it looks like we've got a Christmas Mystery on our hands! T-Rex: And that's one mystery I'd prefer to leave unsolved! I'm really enjoying this feeling of mysterious popularity. T-Rex: Who could it be? Who have I forgotten?? MAYBE it's a pretty lady who wants to kiss me sometime! T-Rex: Oh man! T-Rex (punchline): Hooray for potential Christmas smooching, my friend!

actually, i think i'm the only one i know (of my male friends) who actually looks forward to being an old man

T-Rex: I'm in the prime of life! T-Rex: Ha ha ha! T-Rex: Hey, Dromiceiomimus, would you say it's great to be young? Dromiceiomimus: I - I guess so! T-Rex: It's great, eh? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, it's pretty great. T-Rex: It sure is! Utahraptor: If youth is so great, how come you're wasting it, T-Rex? T-Rex: I'm wasting it? Utahraptor: You are! At this rate, the only memories you'll have to fondly look back on when you're older are those of walking around and saying how great it is to be young! T-Rex: You're right! T-Rex (punchline): However, that will be more than enough excitement for me!

the nice thing about this theory is that you get to look back on all recorded history and think "man, all this isn't that interesting? the future must be AMAZING."

T-Rex: Stephen Hawking says the best proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not overrun by loads of tourists from the future! T-Rex: Stephen Hawking says a lot of things! T-Rex: And maybe the reason tourists aren't running around here and now is because they have, um, ALL OF TIME to choose from? If I could travel through time I wouldn't go back to yesterday, I'd go to the future! I already know what happened yesterday: I ate a bunch and then I pooped a bunch! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex! T-Rex: THE PAST IS UGLY, Dromiceiomimus!! Utahraptor: You're saying the reason we don't see any time tourism is that we're - boring? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Scientists are all, "ooh, maybe you can only go through time in certain regions of space, or maybe you can't go back further than the invention of the time machine!" Poppycock, I say! Time travel is possible until we do something SO INTERESTING that it's inconceivable the future wouldn't want to check us out. Off panel: I suppose now you're going to suggest we do something so amazing that the future will HAVE to check us out? T-Rex: Nope! Firstly, Utahraptor, that's an INCREDIBLY tall order! Off panel: ...And secondly? T-Rex (punchline): Secondly, I, um, don't like it when my theories are proven wrong

later still: wait, HOW DID UTAHRAPTOR KNOW??

T-Rex: So as I was saying, for all intensive purposes, the REAL bro here is - God: I THINK YOU MEAN FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES T-Rex: Hello? Purposes just got intense!! God: IT'S STILL THE WRONG WORD T-Rex: Far be it for me to correct GOD, but - God: FAR BE IT FROM ME T-Rex: Right. But it's kinda a mute point - God: MOOT POINT T-Rex: ...Okay. I get that as God you're a font of knowledge, but - God: FOUNT OF KNOWLEDGE T-Rex: Um, both are off-quoted sayings of the same origin - God: OFT-QUOTED YOU MEAN T-Rex: FINE. I'll try another tact! God: TACK Utahraptor: Arguing with God again, T-Rex? T-Rex: YES. Apparently I only know a hack-kneed pigeon English, and today God's decided to ignore ALL SOCIAL MORAYS and correct me NON-STOP. Utahraptor: Well, you ARE using the wrong words. I counted three. T-Rex: Oh, I guess I'd better be internally grateful then!! THANKS GOD! THANKS UTAHRAPTOR! Narrator: LATER: T-REX LEARNS THE CORRECT SAYING IS "DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD" T-Rex: I thought it was a doggy-dog world!! Dog-eat-dog is WAY more graphic. I'd - I'd really prefer to live in a doggy-dog world. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Well, all be darned.

really, don't let it bother you at all!

Narrator: ADVENTURE COMICS! T-Rex: Oh boy! T-Rex: Today is a good day I think... for an ADVENTURE! Narrator: THE END T-Rex: What? But I never got to go on my adventure! T-Rex: God damn it! T-Rex: This makes me so angry! Utahraptor: Me too! T-Rex: Why are you angry? Utahraptor: I was hoping your adventure would take you out of town for a few days! Utahraptor: I could have come over and watched TV! T-Rex (punchline): I don't have a TV! Off panel: Forget it then!

guys the more you look at it the more the phrase "box office" is kinda ridiculous

T-Rex: Wow, that was a terrible movie. Definitely one of the top 50 worst films ever! God: T-REX THERE IS BARELY 100 YEARS OF FILM SO THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH God: A FILM 1000 YEARS FROM NOW BEING ON THAT LIST NOW THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING T-Rex: Ridiculous! T-Rex: There's still bad movies. Anyway, most "Worst Book Ever" lists have mainly modern entries despite THOUSANDS of years of book history. Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, because most ancient texts are lost forever! I'd bet less than 10% of movies are lost and I'm sure more than that amount of text is gone. T-Rex: How are you measuring volume? Sure ANCIENT books are lost, but we generate so much text today that it's probably a tiny percentage overall! T-Rex: You have to include web sites, emails, spam... Utahraptor: You're seriously comparing email to film? T-Rex: Well! Utahraptor: Come on! If you're including spam as text, are you including webcams as film? What about security camera footage, stored and erased without ever being watched? And how are we defining worst? Personal taste? Objective value? Box office performance, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION OF BOTH MONEY, POPULATION, AND BOX OFFICES? Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER: T-Rex: What a terrible movie THAT was. I'd definitely rate it one of the Top 50 Worst Films Of All Time!* Off panel: Did you just make an asterisk sound? Why the asterisk sound? T-Rex (punchline): OH GOD

they're not actually sure if they need his torso or not, but it's best not to take chances with The Widowmaker

T-Rex: Man, I've been feeling down all morning. What could possibly cheer me up? Off panel: PENETRATION [no text] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: And so my damn freaky raccoon and cephalopod neighbours were all "penetration" and then I froze, and THEN, I ran away. Why are they always up in my base, freaking out my dudes? Dromiceiomimus: They're just teasing you, T-Rex! They get a rise out of you so they keep at it. T-Rex: You'd react too! IT'S DAMN UNSETTLING. Plus, they shouted after me about "a new sexual position". Argh! Utahraptor: So what's so new about it? T-Rex: I HAVE NO IDEA. T-Rex: And I don't want to find out! You'd think that anything that could be invented has already been PRETTY MUCH COVERED. Utahraptor: I still think they're just trying to be your friend. They like you! T-Rex: They don't like me! They just like freaking me out! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK T-REX! COME LEARN ABOUT OUR NEW SEXUAL POSITION. T-Rex (punchline): No, thank you! I am busy with non-disgusting activities! Off panel: BUT IT'S CALLED "THE WIDOWMAKER", T-REX Off panel: WE NEED YOUR TORSO?

SHE WAS THE CHUGGIEST

T-Rex: Here is a hypothetical situation: let's say I'm married and going to have a child (with my assuredly hott wife)! What should it be named? T-Rex: MY position is that babies should be named after old girlfriends! T-Rex: Not only does it allow excellent names to be redistributed to new children, but as we have more kids we'll catch up, and eventually one will be named after my wife! It evens out! Everybody wins! Dromiceiomimus: Except for the kids who are born male. T-Rex: They can be named after my wife's ex-boyfriends. As you can see, I've thought of every possibilility! Utahraptor: Are you really into all your ex-girlfriends that much? T-Rex: They all had quite excellent names! Utahraptor: How excellent are we talking about? I bet they were named "Cheeseball" and "Chuggy G". T-Rex (punchline): Those are terrible names! Those are names you give to cats that you don't like. Narrator: "DEDICATED TO CHUGGY G"

"NOT A PROBLEM!!" he said, boldly strolling right out the front door of the doctor's office, never to return

Off panel: T-Rex, I am a real doctor. Here is your tetanus shot. You'll need to get it again in 10 years. T-Rex: NOT A PROBLEM!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: WAIT, THIS IS ACTUALLY A PROBLEM!! T-Rex: Let's be honest: it's 100% guaranteed that I'm not going to remember an appointment for a decade! And I'd lose any piece of paper I wrote down a reminder on. Dromiceiomimus: How about a calendar website or program? T-Rex: Dude, I don't still use a single piece of software I used 10 years ago! That trend seems likely to continue. Dromiceiomimus: I guess... a Facebook event? T-Rex: Oh God! Imagine if I'm using Facebook a decade from now? Utahraptor: Aw geez. Aw GEEZ. Utahraptor: Listen, let's make a Facebook event for a decade out that says "SELF, IF YOU ARE STILL ON FACEBOOK WHEN THIS EVENT HAPPENS, THEN WE HAVE MADE SOME BAD FRIGGIN' DECISIONS." T-Rex: "ALSO: GET YOUR TETANUS SHOT AGAIN" T-Rex: Two birds with one stone! Narrator: TEN YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Oh man! Remember when I set up this event? Off panel: Oh man! Remember when it was legal not to be on Facebook? T-Rex (punchline): Oh man! Remember when you wouldn't go to jail if you named your kid something other than "Facebook's V. Cool"??

oh my goodness this comic is so dumb, WHY DO I LIKE IT SO MUCH

T-Rex: Congratulations! You know how to read. Narrator: YOU ARE LITERATE Narrator: a web card T-Rex: I don't mean that you are literate in the sense that you've read a lot of books, or that you can bring up the perfect literary quotation to suit a given situation. I mean that your knowledge of language is sufficient to understand what I'm saying. Right now, by reading these words, you are at least getting the gist of it. T-Rex: Again: CONGRATULATIONS. Utahraptor: But you're not writing, you're speaking! T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: But perhaps I intend to write down these words later, and then create a card out of them, and then hand this card out to people. Perhaps that! Utahraptor: Well in that case you should cut out this conversation, because it's largely irrelevant. T-Rex: INDEED!! T-Rex: But! T-Rex (punchline): Maybe I'll forget to though

but which song goes with which, ah, THAT is the question

T-Rex: I've noticed that some songs are quite good at evoking memories and moods. If I listen to a song I haven't listened to since high school, suddenly I am back in high school again! T-Rex: METAPHORICALLY. T-Rex: So hey, time for an experiment where I am the subject! From now on I'm going to listen to a new song repeatedly over each 3-month period. It'll become indelibly associated with who I am then, and this way when I want to remember what I felt like from July to September inclusive fifteen years ago, I can just listen to the same song again. It'll all come flooding back! Utahraptor: That's - well, that's not a bad idea! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: If it works, I can go further, also consigning smells and foods to certain periods in my life! I'll be an old man, looking up "first marriage" in my database, and then reaching for a record player and my first bite of Wensleydale in years. Utahraptor: I'm getting in on this action too! Narrator: BUT THEN, DISASTER! T-Rex: Aw frig! Someone has mashed up Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" and the 1-1 theme from Mario 3! Suddenly my current crush and the death of my first dog have become irrevocably mixed!! T-Rex (punchline): I feel very oddly about dead dogs right now

someone has just learnt how to italicise his speech and is /enjoying it/

T-Rex: I think it is time YET AGAIN to have a manliness competition! T-Rex: For reals this time! T-Rex: I'm so manly that whenever I sneeze I accidentally rip open my shirt, because all my muscles flex at once! Sometimes I rip open my SKIN. Dromiceiomimus: That's gross and you should wear bigger shirts. I'm so manly that when I glance at pregnant women they become pregnant with MY child instead. My line of sight is SO MANLY that it impregnates already pregnant women. Just in case that wasn't clear. Utahraptor: Man, Chuck Norris did it already! T-Rex: Who? Utahraptor: Chuck Norris! You can't tell me that you've been oblivious to the whole "Chuck never cries because he's THAT MANLY" thing. I KNOW you were on the internet 6 months ago. T-Rex: But I've been having manliness competitions for years! I'm so manly that I punched a car up a hill and then it went all the way up the hill!! T-Rex (punchline): It Was On The Local News.

you SMOKE?!

T-Rex: So, if you'll excuse the pun, I think you'll agree: one cannot have a "will to" something without first a "will through" something, yes? T-Rex: Utahraptor? T-Rex: Utahraptor?! T-Rex: Where the hell did he go? He was right here! T-Rex: We were talking! T-Rex: I was being CLEVER! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Wait up! T-Rex: Where were you? Utahraptor: You were a bit boring, so I went somewhere else! T-Rex: R-Really? Utahraptor: Ha ha, just kidding. I went to get some smokes. T-Rex: Since when do you smoke? T-Rex (punchline): Since WHEN?!

DO YOU JUST WANT TO INVITE ME OVER THEN WE CAN PLAY GTA IV AND EAT DELICIOUS SNACKS AND IF YOU SAY NO THEN TELL ME WHAT ABOUT THIS PICTURE I HAVE PAINTED IS POSSIBLY UNDESIRABLE

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NEWEST ENTRY IN THE POPULAR YET CONTROVERSIAL "GRAND THEFT AUTO" SERIES OF VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: Yes! Devil: GUESS WHAT Devil: I MADE IT T-Rex: Oh no you didn't! T-Rex: We don't need people hearing that the DEVIL HIMSELF is now claiming credit for GTA IV. Oh my goodness, that's just what "video game watchdogs" want. They're just realizing it now as I'm saying this, but in their heart of hearts they want the Devil to stand up and claim credit for GTA IV. I'm not letting you do that!! Devil: BUT I ASSURE YOU Devil: IT REMAINS SOME OF MY FINEST WORK T-Rex: Baloney! You don't even have a console that can run it. Utahraptor: Huh? Devil: PROBABLY I CAN BORROW ONE T-Rex: The Devil is claiming credit for GTA IV. He wants to undermine the entire gaming industry. Utahraptor: That's kinda evil, isn't it? I thought he was, you know, more Aspergers than adversary. Devil: I GUESS I PARTICULARLY ENJOYED PROGRAMMING ALL THE MURDER SIMULATOR PARTS T-Rex: This stops here! Admit you had nothing to do with GTAIV, The Devil! Devil: FINE T-Rex (punchline): Now admit that you had everything to do with people saying "utilize" when they could just say "use". Devil: MMM Devil: NEVER

the tagline is, "is it a story of a brutal murder with curtains in it, or is it a curtain catalogue... with a murderer on the loose?"

T-Rex: Most detective stories reveal clues to the reader as they progress through the book, allowing them to unravel the mystery with the characters, and, if they're good, figure out the mystery before the detective does! T-Rex: Not my detective story, you guys!! T-Rex: MY detective doesn't show all the clues to the reader! He's always detecting stuff that the reader doesn't know and can't know, and at the end when he figures out the mystery, he arrests the murderer for reasons that we aren't privy to and that no careful reading of the text will ever reveal. T-Rex: The end! Utahraptor: Sounds pretty boring AND frustrating, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's not! I added in some NARRATIVE TENSION too! T-Rex: As the story progresses, the narrator increasingly gives up on the mystery ever being solved, and instead of describing the actions of the detective, indulges his interest in interior decoration and describes the curtains on the wall instead. Utahraptor: Riveting! T-Rex: It is! T-Rex: I call my tale, "The Stabby Murderer Who Got Detected, Or, Wow Will You Look At These Curtains?" T-Rex (punchline): Man, they say to write what you know, but I think they're just jealous of my awesome imagination!

who told you i was racist? was it... a minority?

T-Rex: Every book is written by an author. T-Rex: Is this TRULY the worst form of racism? Dromiceiomimus: Well, I can't say that I follow you, T-Rex. T-Rex: Every book is written by SOMEONE, right? My point is that the SYSTEM - the MAN - is set up so anyone who doesn't want to be an author can't write a book. Ergo, racism ahoy. Dromiceiomimus: I think you mean "prejudice". And what about diaries, amateur writing, transcriptions of dialogue, writing under duress...? T-Rex: Well - by "book" I really meant "TV show". Utahraptor: What about reality shows, interviews, documentaries arguably...? T-Rex: Okay, you know what? At least I'm LOOKING for racism. Utahraptor: Prejudice. T-Rex: Prejudice. At least I'm not COMPLACENT and ignoring ISSUES and just sitting around with my eyes closed eating cupcakes! T-Rex (punchline): ...which actually sounds like a fun time and is something we should definitely do soon!

one must always be aware of potential for ironic disaster in one's own life

Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Narrator: Today's origin story: SPIDER-MAN T-Rex: I'm Midtown High's only professional wallflower! T-Rex: Oh boy, a science demonstration! What's this, a spider? Narrator: ONE SPIDER BITE LATER... Dromiceiomimus: Outta my way, kid! I'm a thief fleeing from a crime I just committed! T-Rex: Ha ha, that's OK! While I HAVE recently gained the proportional speed and strength of a spider, not to mention my keen "spider sense", from now on I just look out for "Number One" - that means... ME! Utahraptor: What's with you, mister?! All you hadda do was hold him just for a minute! T-Rex: Save your breath, buddy! T-Rex: I've got things to do! Utahraptor: Okay, but with great power comes great responsibility! T-Rex: Oh, I'm sure I'll learn that in time! For instance, if that thief went on to kill my Uncle Ben, then that moral would certai- T-Rex (punchline): [small] - would certainly present itself...

i kid! in fact, and it may surprise you to hear this, but I TOO am the result of a sexual reproduction

T-Rex: Okay let's try this again. Last time went a little off the rails, but the fact remains that we do in fact need Narrator: GOOD NAMES FOR BABIES Narrator: part two T-Rex: Hello, and congratulations on reproducing! Congratulations on deciding that despite the fact that there are LITERALLY seven billion people alive on the planet today, the Earth definitely needs another sentient mouth on legs running around and shoving food inside itself. Congratulations on deciding that your genes take priority and that not a single one of these seven billion people would ever be as special and unique as your little screaming baby! Utahraptor: T-Rex, once again you have gone off the rails! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: We're here to name babies, and instead you're making fun of the couples who had some cool sex SO INEPTLY that they all ended up pregnant. T-Rex: Oh no, now you're doing it too!! Utahraptor: Oh noooo! T-Rex (punchline): Okay okay: try naming your baby after their species! That worked out real well for me AND my closest friends. Off panel: Yeah man! God: TELL ME ABOUT IT

T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND DEVELOPED VOCAL CORDS!

T-Rex: Oh man, there were a whole bunch of raccoons hanging around outside my house last night! I was like, T-Rex: "Aaaaaahhhh!" Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah! I don't believe it! You, T-Rex - you're afraid of raccoons! T-Rex: There's nothing funny about this! They're damned freaky animals! They're SMART and CUNNING and they sit on the heads of dogs to drown them! Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: They do! T-Rex: And their hands - their little, nimble, probing hands! Utahraptor: Wow - you're really afraid of those cute little guys! T-Rex: They're not cute: they're freaky! They know too much! They open up jars and stuff! Narrator: THAT NIGHT: Off panel: T-REX, WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT AND TAUGHT OURSELVES ENGLISH! T-Rex (punchline): Holy shit! Leave me alone! Off panel: T-REX - Off panel: WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE

the particulars are still being worked out, you understand

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS T-Rex: Dinosaurs were giant ferocious lizards! T-Rex: They were a constant threat to everyone around them! They were known to destroy human property with impunity! T-Rex: Dinosaurs were also known to destroy human LIFE with impunity! Utahraptor: I notice you're using the past tense! T-Rex: Yes indeed. I'm experimenting with it. Utahraptor: You're experimenting with using inappropriate verb tenses. T-Rex: Yes, well- It seemed like a good idea at the time! T-Rex: Or should I say, it will have been seeming like a good idea at the time? T-Rex (punchline): Perhaps not!

my friend "P" has a bank card that suggests his middle name is "Spanky." Way to go, P! ALSO, YES, if you are down with P then you are also correspondingly down with me.

T-Rex: It turns out my "ahappiness" idea is actually pretty close to the Buddhist idea of transcending desire! I HAVE INDEPENDENTLY INVENTED BUDDHISM. T-Rex: Nice! T-Rex: That's one for the ol' resume, eh Dromiceiomimus? "Independently invented Buddhism." Put that down next to "Received props from a bear", "High-fived a bear", and "Has a driver's license that suggests my middle name is 'Commander Punchy'." Dromiceiomimus: I remember that driver's license! T-Rex: Who could forget? Utahraptor: But do you really have a resume that says that stuff? T-Rex: My friend, I sure do! T-Rex: It's my Emergency Resume, used only in situations in which I really really want the job. If it's a regular old job it gets the regular old resume, but if it's a really good job, I bust out the "E.R." Utahraptor: And it works? T-Rex: Hasn't failed me yet! Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: I'm sorry, T-Rex, but we feel you're not the best qualified application for this position. T-Rex (punchline): But have you examined Appendix A of my resume, in which there is an amazingly sweet HOLOGRAPHIC Batman sticker? Off panel: !! Off panel: I have NOT

the t-rex is acutely aware of the ironies in his own life

T-Rex: I have noticed that eating different foods has different physiological effects on myself. There must be some 'balanced diet' that maximizes the agreeable effects of such nourishment! T-Rex: With this in mind, I have created... the Nutrinomicon! T-Rex: The Nutrinomicon divides foods into four different 'groups'. These 'groups' have prescribed allowances per day. T-Rex: By following the nutritional regime of the Nutrinomicon, you can be assured of a fine diet! Utahraptor: Your "Nutrinomicon" is nothing more than a Food Guide, repackaged! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: All the major governments have published Food Guides, which do exactly what your Nutrinomicon purports to do: divide food into groups, and describe how much of each group is allowable for a balanced diet. Utahraptor: I have to admit, your name is cooler, though. T-Rex: But - I stayed up all night working on the celebrated and unmentionable Nutrinomicon! T-Rex (punchline): I even skipped dinner, which is ironic, because I was working on a guide to nutrition!

let's just camp out here in the alt for a while

Narrator: HOW TO SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM EVER a "flow" "chart" T-Rex: If you have a problem, turn to panel 2! If you don't have any problems, turn to panel 6! T-Rex: If the problem involves interpersonal relationships, turn to panel 3! If not, panel 4! T-Rex: Is the person you're relating to interpersonally REALLY at fault here? If it's your fault, fix it! Otherwise, decide if it's worth it to forgive this person and move on, or not forgive them and move on. Either way, you should all move on at some point. T-Rex: Okay! Wow! I'm glad that's settled! T-Rex: What are you waiting for? Turn to panel 6! T-Rex: So I guess you've got a problem with a... machine? A system? Utahraptor: Maybe it's a thing? Turn to panel 5! T-Rex: Well, maybe try fixing the thing so it does what you want; that usually helps!! If you've now done that successfully, turn to panel 6! If you can't do that, then that's a new problem, and recurse one level deeper and go to panel 1. Utahraptor: Also, maybe try Google? I dunno. Utahraptor: Is Ask Jeeves still around? T-Rex: Congratulations! ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED. All your current problems, anyway! There's probably going to be all sorts of problems in the future though. T-Rex: Huh. T-Rex (punchline): Alright! Better turn to panel 1 just to be safe!!

let's talk about it though!

T-Rex: Bad news, everyone! T-Rex: I'm not as skinny as I used to be! Dromiceiomimus: Oh, whatever, T-Rex! You're as trim as always. Meanwhile, I must have put on at least 20 pounds since January! T-Rex: Whatever, Dromiceiomimus! You're fine. But look at MY thigh: it's somewhat larger than before! Utahraptor: You both are crazy, and you both look fine! Utahraptor: I'M the one who's putting on weight. I'm getting old and chubby! T-Rex: Whatever man! I'm getting OLDER and CHUBBIER. God: YOU GUYS ARE ALL MAKING A VALUE JUDGMENT ABOUT BODY TYPES T-Rex (punchline): Oh, are we gonna talk about cultural relativism? Cause I can talk about cultural relativism! God: DUDE God: I KNOW

this one goes out to that dude at a party who said he "knew everything about star trek" and then stared at me blankly when i wanted to talk about in-universe ambassador-class starship design decisions. in other news INVITE ME TO YOUR PARTIES I'M LOTS OF FUN

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE THE FOLLOWING QUERY FOR YOU Devil: WHICH IS THE BEST ENTERPRISE T-Rex: Oh my gosh all my life I have been training for this question! T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: It all depends on what you mean by "best"! T-Rex: Obviously the original Matt Jeffries Constitution-class starship is the most iconic, and the template from which all of Starfleet follows. And if we're talking firepower, then sure we can point to the Enterprise E, but the ship's overly-busy externals almost wholly lack the grace and art-deco stylings of its predecessor, the Galaxy-class Enterprise D. T-Rex: But for my money, the best Enterprise is the NCC-1701-C! Ask me why, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Why?! T-Rex: I'm glad you asked!! It's like a clunky version of the perfect Enterprise D that would follow: imperfect, oddly proportioned, and just so - loveable? Like, instead of curved nacelle pylons, it's got awkward right angles. It's Teen Enterprise. Utahraptor: Ah. Okay. Devil: I MEANT WHICH IS THE BEST ENTERPRISE AS IN A THING THAT IS UNDERTAKEN SUCH AS FOR EXAMPLE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES OR ENGAGING IN TABLETOP GAMING T-Rex (punchline): Oh. Um, tabletop? Devil: HAH HAH HAH Devil: NICE

you can use 'sexually attracted in reverse' to describe all sorts of things you don't like! for example, a mcdonalds fish sandwich is like being sexually attracted in reverse.

T-Rex: So there's this guy I know, and he must be a friend of a friend because I see him sometimes at parties, but WE can never be friends because I find looking at him intensely frustrating. He has the world's most punchable face! Narrator: T-REX AND THE GUY WITH THE WORLD'S MOST PUNCHABLE FACE T-Rex: And it's terrible! It reflects poorly on me, I know, but there's just something about him that is BAD for me. It's like being sexually attracted in reverse? I just end up avoiding the guy. He's got a stupid face for jerks! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: I guess I just can't get past my prejudice against people with stupid faces for jerks. Utahraptor: Oh man, I knew a guy like that! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! We went to the same school. He's the only guy I've ever felt that way about! T-Rex: I know! It's the same with me. MY ONLY CONSOLATION is that somebody else probably thinks I, T-Rex, have a stupid face, so at least I'll get my prejudice from both sides. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: Off panel: Hey you! You've got a stupid face! I- I want to punch it! T-Rex (punchline): This somehow validates my own prejudice, mysterious stranger across the street! Off panel: I get that a lot!!

everyone: commit this date to memory! especially you, utahraptor. just because we're friends doesn't mean you get to pull crap like not committing this date to memory.

T-Rex: Rain is falling tonight! THE RAIN WILL WASH AWAY OUR CIVILIZATION AND WE CAN START FRESH. YES. T-Rex: This is what I've been waiting for, you guys! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, we're only getting a centimeter of rain, easily within the abilities of our civilization to withstand. Plus, you talked about this yesterday! You're repeating yourself. T-Rex: That was with snow! ALSO, maybe what I said yesterday was EXTREMELY AWESOME. Maybe it's worth hearing again! Utahraptor: Maybe hearing it once was enough! T-Rex: A bold hypothetical!! T-Rex: Look, if you say once is enough and I say we should hear it a kabillion times, let's take the middle ground and I'll say it only half a kabillion times. Utahraptor: Ah, the fallacy of balance. You talked about THAT six years, eight days ago today. T-Rex: IMPOSSIBLE Narrator: SIX YEARS, EIGHT DAYS AGO TODAY: T-Rex: And THAT concludes my many opinions about the fallacy of balance! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Welp, guess I'll go help Dromiceiomimus rebuild that log cabin or whatever

don't even get me started

Narrator: THE SPECIAL MEAL an exercise in frustration T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for preparing a special meal! Narrator: based on a true story T-Rex: I'd better go gather the ingredients! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I can't find ANY of the ingredients I need! T-Rex: What the hell? It's not like I'm looking for some ancient spice! I JUST WANT SOME PAPRIKA. T-Rex: Argh! T-Rex: So frustrated! Utahraptor: What's the matter? T-Rex: Oh, I just can't find the ingredients I need for the special meal I'm preparing. It's very frustrating. Utahraptor: I can imagine! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Screw it! T-Rex (punchline): We're having Kraft Dinner, and she can deal!

in an earlier script utahraptor said "FINE, start a business printing maps with any chosen location top and center on the map and with lines of longitude converging there, see how many customers you get" but then I was like, "that is actually an extremely awesome idea and someone should do that."

T-Rex: Every single world map I own puts North America at the upper left of the map! Cartographers are all "boo hoo hoo, if Australia isn't at the lower right then I'm ALL CONFUSED." On one hand, I hate to be a dick to cartographers! T-Rex: On the other hand: not my problem, cartographers! T-Rex: I want NEW WAYS of looking at the world. The planet is a friggin' OBLATE SPHEROID: we can put anything at the top! And I humbly suggest my kitchen, because then if anyone ever wants delicious tacos, all they have to do is GO NORTH. T-Rex: Also, sailors will navigate the seas based on relative position to delicious tacos. T-Rex: Sometimes, SOMETIMES, I worry my ideas are too awesome Utahraptor: Dude, we put north where it is because that's where compasses point! T-Rex: Man, who follows a compass? T-Rex: Honestly. You follow a compass, you end up on some frozen sea ice and die. People who carry them around think "Neat. Now I know where I can go to be dead and frozen." I think we deserve better, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: You think we deserve - a north pole that has tacos? T-Rex: YES. And I am going to make it HAPPEN. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Everyone always says, "I want to make the world a better place", but nobody's helping me print sweet new maps and make tacos for polar explorers! T-Rex: [thinks] Maybe they don't know where to go? T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I should get these maps out asap

To retweet: perhaps to favourite: ay, there's the rub; / For with that retweet what replies may come / To us, even though we weren't the dude that wrote it / Must give us pause

T-Rex: Why don't we have robot cars that drive us around yet? T-Rex: I want robot cars! T-Rex: Driving is a job that's super boring but that nevertheless requires CONSTANT focus and attention, and if you slip up, you DIE. And do you know what we non-robots are pretty sucky at? Dromiceiomimus: Not dying? T-Rex: Whoah. I mean, YEAH: I was gonna say we're bad at staying focused on boring stuff, but man, we ARE bad at not dying, huh? We're terrible at it, like, as a RULE. We die all the time. We die in our SLEEP. T-Rex: How bad do you have to be at sleep to DIE just by trying to do it?? Utahraptor: You were talking about robot cars? T-Rex: Yeah, finish inventing them and legalize them already. Hey, can you think of a single thing to do that someone hasn't died attempting? Utahraptor: ...Maybe something super modern like - posting to Twitter? I guess? T-Rex: Man, someone's TOTALLY died posting to Twitter. I GUARANTEE IT. Narrator: LATER, T-REX SEARCHES TWITTER FOR "oh no now I'm dead, lol": T-Rex: 15 hits! 15 lives cut so tragically short that the only response left to us is this: a lol, perhaps a rofl. T-Rex (punchline): Flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, @doctor_weedfart_haver_420!!

you're also CRAZY sexy, so that's something too

T-Rex: At the instant you were born, you were the absolute pinnacle of our planet's development! Narrator: YOU ARE SPECIAL Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Millions of years of evolution were all leading up to that one amazing moment of your birth! Billions of individuals - entire SPECIES - had risen and fallen, all conspiring together to produce one thing: you! T-Rex: ...Then you went ahead and lost any specialness from that a second later when someone else was born. Nice one. Utahraptor: But you're also special for what you know: information that's recorded nowhere else in the Universe! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: What idle, passing notions briefly entertained you before falling asleep last night? What snack did you sneak last week? All this information is known by only one person in the entire Universe: YOU. T-Rex: And you consider this information so irrelevant that you forgot it almost as soon as it was known! T-Rex: Untold volumes of information have been forgotten by you! As they fade unnoticed from your memory, so too do they fade from the Universe. Each future generation has been robbed of this knowledge, expunging it, as you have, completely from existence. T-Rex (punchline): YOU ARE SPECIAL.

t-rex is being a bad role model here. you shouldn't say stuff like that to friends. also you shouldn't read their mail. ARE YOU READING THIS, GUY IN CHINATOWN WHO READS MY MAIL? IT IS JUST A FLYER FROM THE GROCERY STORE. YOU DON'T NEED TO READ THAT, OKAY??

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Still just ask him about science stuff though, okay? T-Rex: Okay! Today's letter comes from Pete. T-Rex: Pete writes, "Dear Professor Science, we never got to hear your answer yesterday. Is the moon slowing down the Earth? Best regards, Pete. P.S.: T-Rex is a bad delivery person for mail." T-Rex: Peter: unkind. T-Rex: That's all I'll say about THAT. T-Rex: Anyway, yes, due to tidal acceleration, the moon IS slowing down the Earth! Utahraptor: Indeed! Utahraptor: The moon's gravity pulls the oceans towards itself, causing tides. But the Earth is rotating relatively fast, dragging against this water, which, hey presto, slows down its rotation! Days get about 1.7 ms longer every century. T-Rex: We don't need Professor Science at all anymore! T-Rex: You hear that, Professor? We don't need you at all anymore! T-Rex: Also!! T-Rex (punchline): I've sort of been reading your mail!

CORRECTION, T-Rex: two or more people, or fewer, depending on what you're into?

T-Rex: Two people decide that they've got some genitals they're not using right now, and that THIS, my friend, is kind of a waste! Narrator: SEX AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: So they agree that it's time to sex, and then they go away and we all wonder what's going on! But not for too long because one comes out and says "We're gonna 'do it'" and we all go "Ohhhhh" and then they come back again and say "That means we're gonna have sexual intercourse" and the last person goes "OHHHHH." He's the slow one. Dromiceiomimus: OHHHHH. Utahraptor: Then what happens? T-Rex: Then we cheat! WE CHEAT BIOLOGY ITSELF. T-Rex: Millions of years of evolution made sex feel amazing and be super hot so we'd do it all the time and make babies! But we use birth control and have awesome fun times WITHOUT a lifetime of parental responsibility. Take that, evolution! Take that, biology! Take that, ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES!! T-Rex: I'd now like to address my body directly for a moment. Thanks for teaming up with science and being SO AWESOME, my body. Seriously: thanks bro. Off panel: *ahem* T-Rex (punchline): Some thanks go out to the bodies of everyone else too I GUESS

this comic goes out to all you INTP Myers-Briggs personality types in the audience, keep on keepin' on

Narrator: LOGICAL SOLUTIONS TO EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS Narrator: a comic to solve all your emotional problems T-Rex: Alright! Who here has some emotional problems they'd like solved once and for all? Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex! Maybe you could help my friend, whose husband makes her jealous because he maintains friendships with women from work. T-Rex: Your friend should be less jealous! There is nothing wrong with friendship, and you should tell your friend to be less jealous. Yes - this problem is truly solved, thanks to logic! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! I've also got an emotional problem that needs solving. T-Rex: I am your man! Utahraptor: How come when people have emotional problems, logical solutions don't usually seem to help, and rather a more difficult emotional solution seems called for? T-Rex (punchline): This occurs simply because these people are placing their emotions over the warm embrace of cold, steely logic. Narrator: THE END Narrator: SO YEAH I HOPE THIS HELPS

cowboy driving his horse hard in front of a chasing lava flow, rearing it up, fully unloading his two revolvers into the molten rock

T-Rex: Normally people have trouble with sequels after their first idea is so, and I'll say it, so transcendentally brilliant. But not me! I have ideas for basically infinite sequels. T-Rex: Basically infinite out-of-genre cover sequels, that is! T-Rex: When my explosion-centric disaster movie comes out and people want more, I will say to them, "No, ACTUALLY, you want the same thing, but this time, as a gross-out comedy!" Dromiceiomimus: So the story starts out the same, but the guy slips on some lube and then lands in an old jock strap! T-Rex: Hah! PRECISELY. And it keeps happening throughout the film. The power goes out, and nationwide, folks slip on the lube. Utahraptor: The next sequel could be a road trip movie! T-Rex: EVEN BETTER. T-Rex: Some TEENS go out on a road trip and unwittingly stay just ahead of all the destruction! You can see it in the background of some of the shots, but they never notice... because they are all too busy learning about friendship! Utahraptor: I like it! Dozens of sequels, all revolving around the same story! T-Rex: A western! A loner cowboy, caught between wilderness and civilization, enters the nation and tries to stop the disasters! Off panel: Does he succeed? T-Rex: No. He shoots a lot of guys while failing to stop it, though! T-Rex (punchline): "There is a showdown between a cowboy and a volcano."

who eats pure tomato paste? worse still, who puts those people in charge of APPLIED NAMEOLOGY??

T-Rex: Maybe I'm aiming too low with getting a street named after me. Maybe the REAL awesomeness is when you get a CITY named after you! T-Rex: It worked for Mr. Chicago! Dromiceiomimus: Actually, "Chicago" is a corruption of a local word, "shikaakwa", for wild onion. T-Rex: Fine! It worked for Mr. Saskatoon! Dromiceiomimus: ...Actually, that's from a Cree word for "berries". T-Rex: MADAME KOSOVO?? Dromiceiomimus: Okay, that's a country, and that's stemming from the Slavic word "kos", for "blackbird". T-Rex: FINE. You know what? Utahraptor: "Fine"? T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: I'll get friggin' FOODSTUFFS named after me, because clearly when someone needs to know what to name something, they just spit out whatever is in their mouth, stare at the mess in their hands, and say "Okay, sure - call this city TOMATO PASTE CENTRAL". Utahraptor: Good luck! You'll need it, I think! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention, everyone! Granny Smith apples are way more awesome if you call them "T-Rex FlavrCrunchZ 2K10!" T-Rex (punchline): ...Wait, hold on! That name offends even me!!

I CALL THIS WOMAN I KNOW CHAMP ALL THE TIME AND I GUESS WE'RE STILL FRIENDS OR WHATEVER

Narrator: HOW TO BE PATRONIZING T-Rex: Oh shoot, it's so easy! T-Rex: AND so fun! AND a recipe for a one-man party! T-Rex: Okay, so the first secret to being patronizing is to react to everything people do with an aloof amusement, as if it's so PRECIOUS that they did something all on their own. Aren't you just so SPECIAL, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Nobody wants to be patronized to, T-Rex. T-Rex: Aw, sure they do, Dromiceiomimus! Here, let me give you a pat on the head. You've earned it! T-Rex: Another great secret is to call people "Champ". Utahraptor: Seriously, T-Rex. Knock it off. T-Rex: What's up, Champ? Something bothering you? Utahraptor: God damn it, you're making everyone angry. Why are you even doing this in the first place? T-Rex: Don't you worry about it, Champ! Here, have some Lego. If you try super hard, you can get some to stick together! T-Rex (punchline): Aww, don't worry Champ! Not everyone gets it on their first try!

see that outstanding sherlock holmes writing there in panel six? that's RIGHT.

T-Rex: Okay, so I can't write love poetry. That's fine. There are plenty of dudes who will write it for me. But I can PROBABLY write a pretty kick-ass SHERLOCK HOLMES story! T-Rex: I will call it, "Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Mummy's Curse!" T-Rex: In it, Holmes and Watson will come across a Mummy who has a curse, and then there will be a mystery involving the curse. Did the Mummy really kill from BEYOND THE GRAVE? Let's ask Sherlock; I'll bet he knows. T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes will solve the case using deduction, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: This is just a regular detective story! It's more Hardy Boys than Sherlock Holmes. T-Rex: Truly outrageous! Utahraptor: Seriously, man! Sherlock's character is defined in dozens of stories and then in like a billion fanfiction sequels. He's got more personality traits than "good at detection", and if you don't acknowledge that, why call him "Holmes" in the first place? T-Rex: BECAUSE NOBODY WILL READ MY STORY OTHERWISE?? Off panel: T-Rex, it is I, Sherlock Holmes! I deduced an elementary way to become real, just to ask you to stop writing your story! T-Rex (punchline): Sherlock Holmes!! Can you describe me as "the Napoleon of RHYME"? Off panel: I can but try!

CAN I USE THOSE

T-Rex: I discovered some bad news yesterday: my bicycle needs a new seat! T-Rex: The SHAFT upon which the seat is MOUNTED has become bent! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! Such sexualized language! T-Rex: I'm sorry! It's just hard to talk about bicycles without sexualized language. That's the nature of the beast! T-Rex: I also need a new PUMP for my tires. Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you could avoid this if you wanted, T-Rex! T-Rex: I really don't think I could! T-Rex: To summarize: the THRUST of what I'm saying is - Utahraptor: "Thrust"? T-Rex: -apparently unable to PENETRATE your skepticism- Utahraptor: You're not impressing anyone, T-Rex! God: YEAH I'M NOT IMPRESSED EITHER T-Rex (punchline): Really? God: OKAY MAYBE JUST A LI'L

t-rex got a positive mention of his 'problem solving skills' on grade three report card, and NEVER FORGOT

T-Rex: People are sad sometimes, and that makes me very sad. Therefore, I will dedicate my memorable "problem solving skills" towards solving the problem of sadness once and for all! Narrator: WAYS TO BE HAPPY T-Rex: Way to be happy #1: amnesia! Forget your problems! T-Rex: This has the problem of robbing you of your present, history, and self, however. Most people like those things! So Method #2 is using happiness-inducing DRUGS and ALCOHOL. Dromiceiomimus: That seems to have many of the same limitations as Method #1! T-Rex: TRUE. But I have other methods! Method #3 is having a rewarding and satisfying professional and personal life. Tada! Utahraptor: But that's more a definition of happiness than a guide to achieving it, T-Rex! T-Rex: OKAY. T-Rex: Luckily, I still have Method #4, which is to set unreasonably low expectations for everyone, including yourself. Utahraptor: THAT only works if you're euphoric whenever expectations are met. T-Rex: MAN! EVERYONE is making it really hard for me to solve the eternal problem of unhappiness! Narrator: BUT THEN, INSPIRATION! A PERFECT SOLUTION FOR ENDLESS JOY! T-Rex: W-... T-Rex (punchline): Wildly misinterpret your own despair?

sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

T-Rex: Sometimes, even the most awesome of us get lonely! And I should know! T-Rex: BECAUSE SOMETIMES I GET LONELY AND THERE'S NO SHAME IN THAT. T-Rex: My self-worth isn't tied to how much other people like me: that's what I tell myself! You don't have to be popular ALL of the times. If I'm alone for a few days, it's fine! It's cool! I'm still totes awesome!! Utahraptor: Aww, don't feel lonely, T-Rex. You know we'll always be there for you! T-Rex: Thanks! Utahraptor: ALWAYS. T-Rex: um Off panel: [large font with insane amount of diacritics] ALWAYS. T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah hah

ha ha ha OOPS

Narrator: SOCIAL RUIN COMICS T-Rex: I am sick of cold, emotionally distant women! T-Rex: That is: in theory! T-Rex: In practice, I guess I would need more experience with women, emotionally distant or otherwise. Dromiceiomimus: What, are you talking about me? You're saying I'm emotionally distant! T-Rex: No! Utahraptor: Well, who are you talking about then, T-Rex? T-Rex: Just - you know, in general! I wasn't talking about anyone in particular. Utahraptor: Yeah, but you were complaining about ex-girlfriends in front of a woman whom you've dated in the past! That's not exactly a recipe for social harmony. T-Rex (punchline): Hi, Megan!

from now on, any time there is a spelling or grammar mistake in this comic: subtle irony

T-Rex: Argh! People on the internet: T-Rex: So dumb! T-Rex: I can't take it any more, Dromiceiomimus! Everyone is off posting their dumb theories based off incorrect facts, and nobody even recognizes subtlety! So many people are so lame! Dromiceiomimus: Is there such a thing as an incorrect fact? Doesn't being a fact imply correctness? T-Rex: Aaah! That's not the point! RAGE! Utahraptor: So why are you raging here against people on the internet? Why not post a scathing reply online? T-Rex: Argh! T-Rex: I have too much rage! All these people are writing dumb things with incorrect spelling and grammar, and when you correct them, they just get angrier! Its really annoying! Utahraptor: Aha! You just used the wrong "its" there, my friend! T-Rex: IT WAS SUBTLE IRONY. Sheesh, everyone! Subtlety! T-Rex: Also! T-Rex (punchline): Noticing such things in spoken language is impossible!

in that he discovered he didn't REALLY need his friends around to have a conversation that he personally found fully satisfying

T-Rex: Everyone! Check this out and I hope you haven't left your balls on the floor because after this you might trip on them. Are you ready? ARE YOU READY TO POSSIBLY TRIP SOME BALLS?? T-Rex: "This sentence is a lie!" T-Rex: Get it? If the sentence is true, then it's lying, which makes the sentence not true. But if the sentence isn't true, then it's lying, which makes the sentence true! WELCOME TO PARADOX TOWNE, POPULATION: YOU. YOU LOOK AROUND PARADOX TOWNE AND SEE ONLY BALLS. OH CRAP. YOU FEEL YOURSELF GETTING CLUMSIER. Dromiceiomimus: This paradox is ancient, T-Rex! T-Rex: WHAT'S THAT? YOU CAN'T HEAR YOUR OWN CRITICISM AS YOU QUICK-TRIP BALLS, IN SERIES AND ALSO, IN PARALLEL. Utahraptor: It's OLD, man! Utahraptor: We've all heard this before and we dealt with it. Most of us didn't trip balls. PERSONALLY, I said "Oh, I get it." T-Rex: YOU SAY "OH, I GET IT" BUT HERE IN PARADOX TOWNE THAT ACTUALLY MEANS "OH BALLS, I AM HERE TO TRIP YOU" T-Rex: HOURS LATER, PARADOX TOWNE IS STILL INFESTED BY BALLS. YOU STRAP A SHOTGUN TO YOUR BACK AND SET OFF ALONE DOWNTOWN. WE SEE THE SUN QUIETLY SETTING ON THE TOWNE AS YOUR FIRST SHOT GOES OFF. BIRDS SCATTER INTO THE SKY. T-Rex (punchline): Oh wow, THIS must be how Shakespeare felt!

no worries brother, i got your back!

Narrator: COMPRESSED THESIS COMICS today's thesis: Narrator: "Computational Measures of the Acceptability of Light Verb Constructions" T-Rex: Light verb constructions (LVCs) are constructions like "take a stroll" and "give a smile"! T-Rex: They are formed by combining a light verb (such as "take" and "give") with a complement ("stroll", "smile"). Most of the meaning of a (non-idiomatic) LVC comes from the complement ("stroll" and "smile"). Dromiceiomimus: Amazing! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: But aren't some LVCs more acceptable than others? T-Rex: Yes, this is true! Utahraptor: It would be really nice to be able to measure that computationally. T-Rex: Sure would! Hmm, I wonder if statistical measures of association would correlate well with human judgments of construction acceptability? Narrator: TWO YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Hot crackers! They DO! T-Rex (punchline): I should totally write this stuff down!

plan 'A' for 'too many feelings' was to test drive a de lorean around town. plan 'A' had not been updated since the early 1980s.

T-Rex: So Dromiceiomimus was making out with some random guy and jennifing his face. That's fine. T-Rex: No it's not fine. T-Rex: I thought we had a thing going! Dromiceiomimus: I don't know why you're talking about this here, of all places, T-Rex, but we DO have a thing going. We have a very deep friendship. But you keep making noises about maybe it being something more and never acting on them and I don't like feeling like I'm waiting around for someone. What I have with Tarbosaurus is nice, and I'm sorry, I know I should have told you sooner, but I wasn't sure it was going to amount to anything until recently! Utahraptor: T-Rex? Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: Huh? Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is dating a new guy, Utahraptor! I kinda feel like - well, anyway, whatever. I don't have time for all these feelings. I'm off to test drive some friggin' De Loreans! Utahraptor: There are no active De Lorean dealerships. T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HERE WITH MY FEELINGS THEN. T-Rex (punchline): WOO HOO

on the other hand, in smaller cultures with a greater focus on community, player one often makes a very generous offer! so if you're all :( after this comic at least now you can be all :I

T-Rex: The ultimatum game is an economics game thing! Two anonymous strangers have to decide how to divide a sum of money between themselves. T-Rex: Player One proposes a non-zero split, and Player Two can either accept or reject it! T-Rex: If Two accepts, they both take their money and go their separate ways. But if Two rejects, NOBODY gets any money. And the game is played only once, so there's no worry about reprisals. Dromiceiomimus: So what's the problem? Player Two should accept all the time - some money is better than none, right? T-Rex: That's what's so interesting! When there's really unfair offers (90/10, 99/1), some players reject them anyway. Utahraptor: Maybe they'd rather have their pride than a few dollars! T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: I suppose it shows that people aren't motivated ENTIRELY by greed, even in situations involving money and a stranger you'll never see again. T-Rex (punchline): Exactly, and that's something! We're not ALL motivated by greed. Some of us are ALSO motivated by pride. Narrator: "VICTORIES WHERE WE CAN TAKE THEM"

because, if so, i am willing to spend hours thinking about metaphors, days writing fanfiction in which characters from tv shows i like have metaphors

T-Rex: Relationships! Sometimes they are hard, but NOT if you have a great captain for the ol' SS Relationship! T-Rex: And he or she has a great crew! T-Rex: And the crew has been trained by the best sailing minds of their generation, and each therefore braces themselves to their duty with the maximum of professional skill possible; always learning, improving themselves AND their sailing. Dromiceiomimus: And yet even so, a successful journey depends on the winds, and the weather, and on getting lucky with storms. T-Rex: R- T-Rex: Right. Utahraptor: Oh man, your metaphor fell apart there huh? T-Rex: It didn't! Utahraptor: It totally did! You were all "what if a relationship is like a real ship" but then Dromiceiomimus was like, "Even the greatest ship crewed by legends can find itself wrecked on the shoals of an unfriendly shore." T-Rex: FINE. Relationships, like metaphors, are REALLY HARD to get right. Off panel: And sometimes at the start of a new relationship/metaphor, the sex is really exciting and awesome! T-Rex: Oh my god, are you actually getting sex for metaphors?? T-Rex (punchline): Because, if so, I am willing to put WAY more effort into my metaphors

remember garrulous gary? last seen march 29th, 2010? well, in today's title text he's just cold flipping utahraptor off... with BOTH paws

T-Rex: "My ultimate woman", by me, T-Rex. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: My ultimate woman is pretty much super awesome, OKAY?? T-Rex: She loves me and she's super smart at lots of things, but I'm still smarter at a few things, like knowing how to skateboard best, and we get along really well. Oh! And she's a flapper. AND an aviatrix! Dromiceiomimus: A flapper aviatrix, huh. T-Rex: Yep! And she's got those retro goggles and cap and EVERYTHING. Utahraptor: And a plane with shark teeth painted on the front! T-Rex: Oh my god. YES. T-Rex: And you know how they'd paint an enemy kill count tally on the side? Well she's got a bunch of cow silhouettes instead, and she's leaning against the wing eating a burger as big as her head. Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: ...Holy crap. I - T-Rex: I think I just ruined myself for every other woman. T-Rex (punchline): No regrets, Utahraptor!!

IT IS TODAY

T-Rex: HeLa cells are a strain of cancer cells that, unlike regular body cells, can live indefinitely outside the body, grow very quickly, and don't die from old age. They are used in labs worldwide and are in many ways an independent organism! T-Rex: They also helped in the research that eradicated polio! T-Rex: So not only are HeLa cells the first observed example of devolution or speciation in human beings (going from a multi-celled life form to a single-celled one) but they're also maybe a first example of immortality: her cells live, but the woman from whom the cells were taken, Henrietta Lacks, died from this cancer in 1951. That's crazy! T-Rex: Crazier: there's probably a greater mass of HeLa cells now than there was of Henrietta when she was alive! Utahraptor: Yeah! Utahraptor: The whole thing is so surreal, don't you think? The woman made a huge contribution to science just by getting sick. And imagine a new species EVOLVING from your body? T-Rex: Well, Henrietta never found out. She was never even told that the cells were being cultivated! T-Rex: And with that, I exhaust all my knowledge of Henrietta and HeLa cells. I am well and truly tapped. Off panel: The cells are called "helacyton gartleri". T-Rex: AW MAN!! I totally knew that one! T-Rex (punchline): Also: learning is not a competition?

The Tommy Westphall Universe has nothing on the T-Rex And Antonio Tony Whoah What A Crazy Dream Theoretical Framework

T-Rex: ATTENTION READERS: this book is a direct sequel to whatever book you read last. This book is made entirely out of chapters cut from the end of that OTHER book. Got it? T-Rex: ARE YOU READY TO GO ON A READING ADVENTURE? T-Rex: IF YOU ARE A READER, NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO BE SAYING "I GUESS SO!!" T-Rex: "Wow!! It was all a dream!", said Antonio Tony, as he bolted upright in his bed. "Everything that happened prior to this: TOTALLY IMAGINARY. So crazy!!" He looked around his bedroom. "I think tonight I'll dream ANOTHER narrative or non-fictional tome or two [these are the next books you'll read],' Antonio said. He scratched his neck and tooted, since it was late and nobody was there. "No-one must know," he said, tooting. Utahraptor: I liked it up to the tooting! T-Rex: And then you liked it after the tooting too, right? Utahraptor: I'll say this: it was clever to make the previous and next books part of your story. T-Rex: It's more than that! ALL books you've read before my story he dreamed last night, and the ones you read afterwards he's dreaming tonight! Every book EVER is now an Antonio dream! T-Rex: Every author who has OR EVER WILL write anything is adding to this singular and colossal collaborative story! ALL LITERATURE, IN ALL LANGUAGES, IS NOW FANFICTION ABOUT MY CHARACTER. HIS NAME IS ANTONIO TONY; HE FARTED THE BED. T-Rex (punchline): THIS IS THE VEHICLE WE, AS A PEOPLE, CHOOSE FOR OUR STORIES