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LET ME PERFORM THE JENDRASSIK MANEUVER ON YOU MY LOVE

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for more SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! T-Rex: Wooo! T-Rex: Secrets!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know how doctors will hit your knee with a hammer to test your reflexes? Dromiceiomimus: Indeed I do! T-Rex: WELL! In some cases the patient will be too aware of what's going on, and the test won't work. In such cases the patient is asked to lock their hands together and pull them in opposite directions. This distraction allows the test to succeed! T-Rex: I believe this is called the "Jendrassik Maneuver"! Utahraptor: That's a pretty sinister name! T-Rex: You're telling me! What's neat about it, though, is that it's AUTOMATIC. Even if you're aware that it's a distraction, the Maneuver still works! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Yep! It's a neurological distraction affecting the pathways between the central nervous system and the motor neurons, dishibiting any tonic (i.e.: baseline) inhibition. T-Rex (punchline): DOCTORS, huh?

I AM TOLD I WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS SO YEAH LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE MY SOCKS NOW HUH

T-Rex: I don't like it when something bad happens. Well, IN PARTICULAR, I don't like it when something bad happens and people say that "there's a reason" for it happening! T-Rex: It turns bad things into a value proposition! T-Rex: I'm all for optimism and for comforting people, so it's not TERRIBLE, but I've always read the phrase as saying "you're sad because you got a raw deal, but ACTUALLY things will be better in the future because of this event, so you're coming out on top!" It seems very - capitalistic, I guess? Like I would want to be comforted by being told that, despite appearances, I'm actually a savvy businessman? Utahraptor: I think the phrase is more to try to find sense to a senseless loss, T-Rex. T-Rex: I guess. T-Rex: And I get that it's meant to comfort, and I respect that! I just don't like how it implies I'm sad because of a bad deal. I'm sad for the loss, you know? Utahraptor: What brought this on? Have you suffered any losses lately? T-Rex: Just one...! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: God, where the heck are my socks?! I can't find any of my socks. God: THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON T-REX T-Rex: Hey, God? T-Rex (punchline): SOCKS PLEASE

in this comic, haikus are big in japan, and are akin to rock music

T-Rex: The night started cold - Too cold, and it got colder: A night for murder. T-Rex: Alright everyone! There's no need for any more haiku: the art form has peaked! T-Rex: This is because I've just composed the Perfect Haiku. It has intrigue, a cold night, and perhaps, a hint of gunplay? T-Rex: Truly, the best haiku ever. To Japan! Utahraptor: You might want to hold off on that trip for a bit! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Like most things taken from another culture, haiku have been transformed in their assimilation. You should know that a simple 5-7-5 syllable structure does not a proper haiku make! T-Rex: Oh I disagree! As you are clearly wr-ong, And I am quite right! Narrator: AND IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS, "A NIGHT FOR MURDER" TAKES JAPAN BY STORM! T-Rex: But what to do... T-Rex (punchline): ... for a SEQUEL??

after writing this comic I found quite a few places where the "phone of the future is your hand in a phone shape" prediction was made in various forms. apparently in the future we'll all look like hilarious crazy people who like to pretend! I FOR ONE WELCOME THIS DEVELOPMENT

T-Rex: Cell phones built into your friggin' hands! T-Rex: IT'S THE FUTURE. T-Rex: You'll think "Hey, I wanna call Ricky!" and then, digits will glow on your palm. You punch them in and then make your hand into a phone shape! Talk into your pinkie while listening on your thumb, and when you're done, you just mime hanging up! That's the future, my friends. Cell phones built into our friggin' hands. T-Rex: Um, in the future it will ALSO be very easy to PRETEND you have a cell phone. Utahraptor: I'm afraid you're making the #1 beginner's mistake in predicting the future, T-Rex! T-Rex: What's that? Utahraptor: Only extending existing technology forward. Why are we still shackled to the cell phone interface? It's a thought-activated process, so why do we have to dial? And if we're implanting stuff, why not put the same sensors by the mouth and ears and avoid the hands entirely? Plus, I mean, this way YOU could use the phone as well. T-Rex: ! T-Rex (punchline): Is that racist??

IF YOU'D QUOTED HIM CORRECTLY THINGS WOULD'VE BEEN DIFFERENT BUT AS YOU SHOULD WELL KNOW / ANYTHING LESS THAN THE BEST IS A FELONY

God: T-REX AS YOU SPENT LAST NIGHT RUBBING EVERY LAMP IN YOUR HOUSE I FEEL COMPELLED TO GRANT YOU THREE WISHES T-Rex: Sheesh finally!! T-Rex: Also that was a private time but WHATEVER! T-Rex: My first wish is for more wishes! God: NOT ALLOWED T-Rex: My second wish is to remove restrictions on my wishes! God: NOT ALLOWED T-Rex: My third wish is for you to wish for me to wish for you to wish for ME to have more restriction-free wishes! God: NOT ALLOWE- God: ACTUALLY WAIT I NEVER BLOCKED THAT ONE T-Rex: Yes! NESTED WISHES PAYS OFF AGAIN. I've got infinite wishes!! Utahraptor: Wish for an end to suffering! T-Rex: Wait, first I need to wish that my wishes perform exactly as I expect, and that I can take them back at any point and undo their effects, EVEN IF I'M DEAD. Utahraptor: Also, make sure you can't wish away your ability to wish! T-Rex: YES. This is gonna be great!! T-Rex: If you have a problem, yo, I'll solve it! I'm just gonna wish; that usually resolves it. God: T-REX FOR MISQUOTING VANILLA ICE I'M TAKING AWAY ALL YOUR WISHES T-Rex (punchline): THAT, my friend, is tough but fair

An alternate ending had the last panel take place in the future, and a descendant of T-Rex was learning about his distant ancestor. This descendant's name was T-Rex Junior Jr. IV. I'll tell you something: I was really sorry to lose that name.

T-Rex: I have been assuming that our development as a people is linear, moving generally from less to more permissive. It occurs to me: T-Rex: Maybe that isn't always the case! T-Rex: Maybe 100 years from now people will look back on us and say "MAN I can't believe they permitted lifestyles different than my own, current lifestyle. Sheesh!" Dromiceiomimus: Or maybe they'll look back and be aghast at all the animals we kill and eat for food? T-Rex: Aw man, do you really think so? Frig, I'd be TOTALLY POOCHED. I've eaten so many friggin' animals! Utahraptor: Most of us have though! T-Rex: Yeah, but I'm totally the worst. T-Rex: Future folks can munch on a carrot, look back on us and say "They were wrong to eat so many tasty animals." FINE. But then when they see the caliber, frequency and verve of MY animal consumption, they'll spit out their carrots in surprise! And the carrot chunks are 99% guaranteed to spell out the words "HISTORY'S GREATEST VILLAIN"! Off panel: Come on! Our culture COULD end up swinging towards rampant fleshotarianism instead. T-Rex: That's true. Man! T-Rex (punchline): The future having different opinions than the present is making it REALLY HARD for me to be popular across all possible timelines.

someone out there is reading this comic and it's their first dinosaur comic ever, and they are thinking, "what is this", and then they pause, and then they look around, and then they think, "what"

Text: "Tina's Curse" by Utahraptor. Text: Tina Rex was a woman with a curse. Tina Rex was a woman with a very peculiar curse. Text: Ever since she was six, Tina Rex knew that she was one day to wake up as a man! Text: She had been given this curse by her stepmother, who hated her, and presumably men as well. The curse didn't scare Tina. Failing to meet monthly progress reports scared her, missing a checkpoint on her Five-Year Plan scared her, but being a man was like being a woman, she figured, only with more prostate exams. She smiled at her joke. Tina Rex woke up as a man on her 31st birthday. Utahraptor: So! Did you read my rewrite of your comic? T-Rex: IT WAS SO TERRIBLE T-Rex: Okay, listen, you're not allowed to rewrite my stories anymore. Prostate exam jokes? Seriously? I stopped reading it three panels in. Utahraptor: What? It got better! It got great! T-Rex (punchline): It sure did, once I rewrote it extensively!! Text: TINA, THE DUDE WHO PUNCHED THE FUTURE Text: Tina is a woman who can Punch The Future. This means that she'd punch somewhere, and then three weeks later you'd walk over there and go "Ow who punched me." One time she punched a monocle guy who said "Ow, my crotch!" and then he turned around and he said "Ow, my bum!!" Text: [small] THE END?

holy i'd watch out if i were Michael R. Sandy, professor of geology at the University of Dayton!

T-Rex: Brrr... it's getting cold out! T-Rex: This means that winter is coming! T-Rex: Luckily, as a warm-blooded being, this cold weather means little to me! Utahraptor: That's a matter of some debate! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yes, some would argue that you are in fact a cold-blooded being! T-Rex: Who'd say that? Utahraptor: Um - you know... people! T-Rex: Who? Utahraptor: Just this guy I know, alright? T-Rex (punchline): I'll kick his ass!

and AWESOBLIGATORY.

T-Rex: The word "awesome" has been said an awesome amount of times, and sometimes I worry that has diluted its meaning. Luckily, the solution is obvious: T-Rex: Awesome inflation! T-Rex: With awesome inflation, we acknowledge that "awesome" is now used to refer to merely above-average things, so "let the okay times roll" can now be expressed as "let the awesome times roll". Dromiceiomimus: But I love okay times! T-Rex: You'll love them even more now that they're awesome times! Utahraptor: And what of actually awesome things? T-Rex: As usual, adverbs solve all our problems! T-Rex: Perhaps you'll enjoy "head-meltingly awesome", "headband-tighteningly awesome", or "antimatter explosion awesometastic"? And if that fails, portmanteaux like "collosawesome" and "awesatisfactory" should scratch the itch! Utahraptor: "Awesatisfactory"... doesn't sound so head-meltingly awesome? T-Rex: We've moved on to awesome deflation, my friend! T-Rex (punchline): ...It's awesomoderately okay.

arguably, the best form of spying

Narrator: MORE REGRET T-Rex: I regret spilling a glass of ginger ale on an architect! Dromiceiomimus: I regret the first time I met someone with a thick accent: she was older than I, and we had a little trouble communicating initially, because of the accent. But as I repeated myself to her I found myself unintentionally speaking both slowly AND loudly. I only did it for a little while, and as soon as I realized it I stopped, but I still felt ashamed. I was talking to her like she was dumb, just because of the accent! I was the stereotypical ignorant racist. T-Rex: Aw MAN! Dromiceiomimus wins the regret competition AGAIN!! Utahraptor: We're out of our league! T-Rex: We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel REALLY bad about them if we're ever going to win. Utahraptor: I know, I know! But it seems she's got a regret for every occasion. How can we compete with that? Narrator: LATER, PROFANELY SPYING ON DROMICEIOMIMUS: T-Rex: She's just sadly staying at home, Utahraptor! Man! She's probably regretting things RIGHT NOW! T-Rex (punchline): Fuck me!

AND THEN... HUNGRY

T-Rex: There's nothing wrong with a new language being a simple variant of English! Heck, modern French is just a riff on middle Swedish! T-Rex: Or so I assume, having never looked into the matter with any seriousness!! T-Rex: So I'm just going to focus on IMPROVEMENTS, and the first improvement I'm making on English is adding the amazing EXCLUSIVE WE. Dromiceiomimus: Ah, yes! While our "we" means "you and I", other languages also have a "we" that means "everyone here EXCEPT YOU, THE PERSON I'M TALKING TO. OH SNAP." T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus T-Rex: If you knew about it all this time why did you keep it a big secret T-Rex: Anyway, my other improvement is adding an exclusive "you"! Utahraptor: How does that work? T-Rex: It's a "you" that basically means "anyone but you". So I can say "[Exclusive] We are going to a party! [Anyone but] You should really come!" Utahraptor: Man, how would you feel if someone said that to you? T-Rex: Um, STOKED THAT MY LANGUAGE HAS CAUGHT ON?? T-Rex (punchline): AND THEN SAD, OBVIOUSLY??

it's supposed to be a SECRET friend level, HELLO

T-Rex: I don't want to blow any minds here, but now I'm going to totally blow all the minds, right here. T-Rex: Who here wants to hear tomorrow's weather... TODAY? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, you read tomorrow's weather forecast? T-Rex: No, what? I just figured if I said "sunny with cloudy periods" that would describe the weather SOMEWHERE on the planet. Dromiceiomimus: Ah. Well, the forecast does actually call for sunny with cloudy periods. T-Rex: NAILED IT!! Utahraptor: Congratulations! Utahraptor: So! With that out of the way - are you coming to the party tonight? T-Rex: What party? Utahraptor: The engagement party for Barosaurus? She got engaged. You didn't know? T-Rex: What?! Nobody told me!! T-Rex: Man! I thought Barosaurus and I were at Friend Level Tell Me In Person, but I GUESS we're really at Friend Level Find Out If You Ever Check Facebook! Off panel: Not to mention Secret Friend Level Shucks I Always Thought I'd Get My Chance At Bat? T-Rex (punchline): YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT??

he totally was!!

Narrator: SHOCK ENDING COMICS Narrator: today's feature: shock endings in panel five! T-Rex: Man! Imagine how great things would be if I had a BRITISH ACCENT?? T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Forsooth, I recall those fair summers by the Hamptonshire. Cheerio! T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Yes! I can see nothing wrong with this fantasy. T-Rex: It is so accurate! Utahraptor: It's accurate that British dudes recall summers, then say goodbye? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: And - WAIT A MINUTE, how did you know my fantasy?! I only thought it and didn't say it! You read my mind! Utahraptor: T-Rex, of course I read your mind! We all read minds, here in the universe where everything is the same, EXCEPT FOR ONE CHILLING DIFFERENCE!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Aw gross! That dude across the street is thinking about poo. Off panel: What? Off panel: Am not!!

THEY... LIVE INSIDE ME NOW

God: T-REX REMEMBER THE OTHER DAY WHEN YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO ENHANCE THE TIMELINE T-Rex: Absolutely!! God: WELL WHY ENHANCE IT ONLY ONCE T-Rex: ...Holy cow! Why indeed?! T-Rex: I enhance the past so there's holodecks in the present. And THEN I teach cavepeeps to invent those, and then return to the future and find new entertainment technology SO AMAZING I can't even imagine it right now! I could enhance the timeline over and over until me AND all the other time travellers conclude it can't possibly be enhanced any more!! Utahraptor: Which leaves us with two possibilities: T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: One: time travel isn't possible and we're stuck with this timeline. T-Rex: BOO! LET'S IGNORE THAT ONE. Utahraptor: Two: time travel IS possible, and this timeline is absolutely the best one anyone could come up with. T-Rex: BOO! THAT ONE - T-Rex (punchline): THAT ONE GAVE ME THE SAD FEELINGS

guys! i just found out about luna 15 yesterday, so i really empathize with t-rex here. i guess i thought after laika the soviets just said "anyway, WHATEVER"?

T-Rex: In my alternate history story, Apollo 11 reaches the moon on July 19th, 1969, just as before. Only when they get there... T-Rex: ...they find the Soviets are already in orbit, waiting for them! T-Rex: The Soviets have saved time by designing and sending a ROBOT to the moon - and it got there first! Only, the Americans are able to actually land their ship faster, so they're still the first ones to set foot on the moon. But the Soviet robot is still there, and its orbit has been adjusted downward, ever downward, so that now it's flying just above the Americans! Utahraptor: But then the Soviets mess up the landing and it crashes into the side of a mountain? T-Rex: How'd you know? Utahraptor: This isn't an alternate history, T-Rex: this is the real-life history of the Luna 15 mission. T-Rex: ...Really? Utahraptor: Yes, really! Normally you're supposed to research actual history before writing an alternate one! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! It appears I have a choice: either I am a guy who doesn't know his history, or I HAVE SOMEHOW ENTERED INTO THE VERY ALTERNATE REALITY I CREATED. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Or both, I guess.

'i hate that guy so much right now' was a line in a preview screening of napoleon dynamite i saw last year, one that was cut from the final film and also apparently the dvd. it is a very catchy phrase that people probably would've been quoting all last summer like they were 'it's like a lion and a tiger mixed'. a search for the phrase on google returns zero results! it is the pete best of catchphrases.

T-Rex: Time to check up on that utopian society I founded! I bet everything is totally perfect there in Utopia Land. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: They MOVED?! T-Rex: My utopian society moved, Dromiceiomimus! They moved away! Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean? T-Rex: Just that! They packed up everything they could and moved somewhere else, and it's not somewhere nearby! They clearly thought things would be more utopic if they moved further away from ME. Argh! I hate those guys so much right now! Utahraptor: But maybe they didn't move, T-Rex! Maybe they just DISAPPEARED! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: They're a utopian society, right? But the term "utopia" is a neologistic pun in Greek! There, depending on how the word is pronounced ("eu" or "ou"), it means EITHER 'good place' OR 'no place'. In English the "u" handles both these sounds, so 'utopia' actually contains both these meanings! T-Rex: That's ridiculous! They didn't phase out of existence for the sake of a pun. You're just using this as an excuse to cram an etymology lesson in where it doesn't belong! T-Rex (punchline): Colour me impressed!

those of you hoping for a greater exploration of 'let's get remarkably frisky' are advised to get remarkably frisky and, i don't know, take notes

T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: is it time for a new catchphrase? T-Rex: Sources say: "DAMN girl, sure is!" T-Rex: That's not the new catchphrase though. I've got - I've got different ones. And here they are! "Let's get remarkably frisky" (useful in many situations), "That's gobbles!" (meaning "that's crazy!", short for 'gobbledygook'), and "I lose at sex". Dromiceiomimus: Um. T-Rex: You can use "I lose at sex" for when you lose at sex. Dromiceiomimus: Um. Utahraptor: What's this "lose at sex" thing all about? T-Rex: Losing at sex! Dude! It's right there. T-Rex: It's like when people say "You lose at life", only better because it's more specific and also suggests that sex is not a competition, but that you found a way of making it one, and then, you lost at it. It's "the gobbles"? Utahraptor: Right. Anyway, I'm late for work! T-Rex: Shit! T-Rex (punchline): I'm unemployed!!

IT FINALLY HAPPENED

Narrator: GOOD EXCUSES FOR MISSING AN APPOINTMENT T-Rex: Let's say you missed an appointment! You probably need some good friggin' excuses! T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: Here they are. T-Rex: "My wife was giving birth and I guess I had to be there!" T-Rex: "The world can no longer support the demands made of it and civilization has collapsed in a Malthusian catastrophe to a pre-agricultural level!" T-Rex: "The roads were closed due to hail?" Utahraptor: These are good, but they rely on a specific circumstances being true! Utahraptor: In particular, I'd imagine one might determine whether or not society has collapsed without investing too much effort. Also: hail. T-Rex: Oh! You're not supposed to use them if they're not true. I guess they're more "good reasons" than "good excuses", bro! T-Rex: Holy crap!! T-Rex (punchline): That was the first time I ever called someone "bro"!!

ooooh what's the matter, government? too CHICKEN to go bother someone else??

T-Rex: If my parents had named me "Lord Britishface the Third", would I be a different person? T-Rex: The answer is "I say, most certainly!" T-Rex: A name sets up EXPECTATIONS. "T-Rex" says, "This awesome dude will probably be a great friend!" But Lord Britishface III says "Here is a man who will wear a monocle in his old age; surprise him, it may pop out comedically. He takes his tea by the Hamptonshire while reminiscing of the summers of his youth." And these expectations are set up not only in others, but in the child himself! Utahraptor: I agree such a name might colour a child's life! T-Rex: Excellent. Then it's settled! Utahraptor: But I also know that you can't legally choose a name with military titles or other honourifics in it. The government won't accept it! T-Rex: Man, whatever! I'll just legally name my kid "T-Rex Jr." and then refer to him exclusively as "Lord Britishface the Third"! T-Rex: What's the government going to do? ARREST ME? T-Rex: I'd really like to see them try! T-Rex (punchline): ...to ignore my provocation and leave me alone, that is!

entropy decreasing in a closed system is the only miracle we need

T-Rex: Miracles! They happen in real life! T-Rex: According to religion! T-Rex: And this is great, because this gives us DATA POINTS. If miracles are really just tricks, you'd expect miracles to drop off as we move towards a more savvy, skeptical, technologically-informed society! But if they're REAL, then it seems reasonable to assume that the baseline worldwide miracle rate would remain just about constant. So with our hypothesis, we can SCIENCE! Utahraptor: So - what do you see? T-Rex: Well, turns out it's... complicated? T-Rex: "Miracle" is semantically widened: it's no longer CLASSIC impossibilities (two objects occupying the same space) but also just merely unlikely stuff. And it's not even "body cured itself of disease" unlikely. I'm talking "cute cat survived car accident". "Favourite hat found". "Lady got a job she kinda wanted". T-Rex (punchline): "Unlikely but desirable event happened in front of an observer, making my historical analysis complicated and annoying".

there's a story behind THAT

T-Rex: Believe in yourself, and you can do anything! Narrator: PLATITUDE COMICS T-Rex: I also enjoy: T-Rex: "Wow, that's VERY good for a first try!" T-Rex: and T-Rex: "Just do what you think is best!" T-Rex: I also like "I do love you... as a friend!" Utahraptor: That's not a platitude! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: It's not a platitude! T-Rex (punchline): OK then!

remember the penis fencing hermaphroditic flatworms from may 14th, 2009? that's a form of traumatic insemination too! thus begins our series on Animals in Nature with Weaponized Junk

T-Rex: When a man and a woman love each other very much, they share a very special hug! T-Rex: It's not always that special though, you guys! Narrator: TRAUMATIC INSEMINATION COMICS T-Rex: Sometime in the past, male bedbugs realized that since they have an open circulatory system, if a female doesn't want to have sex with them they can just CRACK OPEN HER BODY and inject their sperm right into her chest, where it will eventually reach her ovaries! And now all males have these HYPODERMIC STAB WEINERS, and the women are left with fully-functional genital tracts that only get used when it's time to deposit the eggs! Utahraptor: The ladies evolved some countermeasures though, didn't they? T-Rex: Yep! In the form of EXTRA GENITALS. T-Rex: They've got this paragenitalia - paragenitalia! - on their chests that's this target for the guys, but which also limits their damage and lowers the chance of infection. Utahraptor: Wow. T-Rex: Yeah, when people talk to me about intelligent design I yell "BED BUGS HAVE INSTITUTIONALIZED STAB RAPES". T-Rex (punchline): That - that normally ends the conversation right there

OGC guy! He's back, and he's KINDA CHEESED.

T-Rex: In fascism, one person is in control of an entire country, and he tells everyone else what to do! He is the guy who is micromanaging his zergs or whatever. T-Rex: Maybe this is not so bad? Dromiceiomimus: It is so bad, T-Rex! Fascism is bad news!! T-Rex: I mean, YES it is, but what if the one guy KNEW what everyone should be doing? What if he was actually the best person to be in charge of the country? Dromiceiomimus: Some people would still want to be free! T-Rex: But WHAT IF he recognized that and let those people be free? Utahraptor: You're saying if there was a guy who could produce a utopia, you'd want him in charge. T-Rex: Exactly! Yes! Utahraptor: Okay, but that's not fascism. Fascism is authoritarian and includes these ideas of unity and purity and stuff like that. It's a sort of a xenophobic, culty nationalism? T-Rex (punchline): Oh! I don't like THOSE parts. Well, I guess I don't want to be fascist after all! [online auction] Heading: SWEET PROTEST SIGNS L@@K, SO @WESOME!!! OMG YOU GUYS! >:OGC Text: Okay you are bidding on some protest signs that I'm selling because I was gonna be fascist, but not anymore!! There's a picture of me and beneath it they say "T-REX IS IN CHARGE NOW: I GUESS WE'LL ALL JUST HAVE TO DEAL" They have many uses such as pretending I am in charge and that you are all, "no WAY is that guy in charge, what will i do, oh wait my sign says i should just deal" Text: STARTING BID: $100 Text: YOUR BID: $[form input]0

I say I didn't read the book because I didn't finish it, on account of how I was so shocked I threw the book several aisles away at near lightspeed

Narrator: COMPRESSED NOVEL COMICS today's novel PRIDE AND PREJUDICE T-Rex: ...I didn't read the book. God: WHAT T-Rex: I didn't read the book!! T-Rex: Look, I saw the movie and here's what happens: Mr. Darcy is a dick, later on he's still a dick, Elizabeth falls in love with him for no reason, they get married and he stops being a dick I guess. God: USUALLY WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT JANE AUSTEN NOVELS THEY DON'T USE THE WORD "DICK" T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: If only, if only. Utahraptor: Elizabeth doesn't fall in love with him for no reason! T-Rex: She totally does! T-Rex: They spend the whole time insulting each other and then near the end they love each other and you're like, "What? Since when?!" Utahraptor: I wasn't like that! T-Rex: Well I was! I said it out loud! It was on the bus so it was embarrassing!! Narrator: EARLIER BUSTIMES: T-Rex: What? Since when?! Off panel: Excuse me, sir? T-Rex (punchline): Oh, I'm reading Jane Austen. Off panel: Bro! Off panel: Don't even get me started, bro

c'mon, don't tell me you didn't see it!

T-Rex: Last night it occured to me that an evening at the theatre would be a delightful distraction! T-Rex: However, when I arrived, they were out of tickets! Narrator: "THE STORY OF MY LIFE" T-Rex: It's the story of my life! Dromiceiomimus: What does that mean, "story of my life"? T-Rex: It means that that one incident is indicative of a larger trend in my life. Utahraptor: What larger trend are you possibly talking about? The trend of theatres being full? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: But in a METAPHORICAL sense. Utahraptor: A metaphorical sense. What metaphor would that be, exactly? T-Rex: You know! Theatres! Full! No tickets! Utahraptor: I'm sorry, T-Rex, I really don't follow. T-Rex (punchline): You were THERE!

i got many emails yesterday with the tip of scaling up the periods and commas. kids today! WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE JUST MESSED WITH MARGINS AND USED BOOKMAN OLD STYLE, ON ACCOUNT OF HOW IT WAS HECKUVA WIDE

T-Rex: Man, I don't need that acting job anyway! I can get by on my good looks and charm ANYWAY, and "essay writing tips" are easy. T-Rex: Easy! T-Rex: For example, here's a tip! Maybe you could try understanding the topic at hand and expressing your views on it in a clear yet persuasive manner? Dromiceiomimus: When I was in high school, I'd increase the font size on all my periods from 12 points to 14 points, thereby extending my paper in a way that was very difficult to detect! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I am shocked!! Utahraptor: Man, I just added "very" in front of my adjectives! T-Rex: What? For reals? Utahraptor: Of course! It was a great way to extend the length of my essay, AND it made my points more emphatic. "Trees are tall and pretty" became "Trees are very tall and very very pretty. Verily!" T-Rex: What, you were The Mighty Thor? Utahraptor: Only in essays, my friend! Only in essays. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hello, radio call in show? Did you know Utahraptor abused the word "very" in all his essays? Off panel: I've told you: this isn't an advice show! It's a show about RVs. T-Rex (punchline): Okay but did you not hear the rest of my question though?

to Scots: her name is Miss Trish. to everyone named Trish: SORRY

T-Rex: Antonio Tony and Amelia, my erotic fiction characters, were once again engaged in erotic fictions! T-Rex: But this time... THEY BROUGHT A FRIEND. T-Rex: Let's call her... Dommi Natrix. And she's a - Dromiceiomimus: Dominatrix? T-Rex: HOW DID YOU KNOW?? Utahraptor: So you're saying that when she was born, her parents, MR. AND MRS. NATRIX, named their new baby "Dommi". T-Rex: Yes. Utahraptor: And then, out of all the careers to end up in, she grew up to be Dommi "the Dominatrix" Natrix. T-Rex: Yep. T-Rex: OH MY GOD HOLD ON A SECOND HER NAME SOUNDS LIKE HER JOB! T-Rex (punchline): That's ridiculous; I'm renaming her to "Miss Triss"

there's a guy who rocks out while playing his keyboard near my house every weekend, but the great part is the keyboard is clearly playing itself on "demo mode". nice!

T-Rex: So this homeless guy asked me for change yesterday. T-Rex: The first thing I thought was, "Sure!" T-Rex: But THEN I thought, well, wait, if I really want to fight homelessness, wouldn't this money be better spent on community programs that fight it, both through helping the homeless and through political change? But then I thought, well, this guy's right here, you know, and saying that I'm gonna make a donation isn't gonna cut it. And then I thought, wait, this guy looks pretty out of it - is he going to spend my money on drugs? Do I want to tacitly support addiction? Utahraptor: And then you thought how prejudiced that was? T-Rex: Sure did! T-Rex: Then I thought, even if he is gonna spend it on drugs, is it my job to deny him money? Should I go around enforcing my morality on others? Then I thought, geez man, how ridiculous am I that a guy asking for change throws me into these throes of self-doubt and analysis? Utahraptor: Pretty ridiculous? T-Rex: Pretty ridiculous! But then I recalled Socrates' "The unexamined life is not worth living" and at that point, my head pretty much exploded. Off panel: Did you give the guy anything? T-Rex (punchline): I gave him my change and whispered "DON'T TELL ANYONE UNTIL I CAN FIGURE US OUT"?

mom did WHAT?

T-Rex: Where do babies come from? T-Rex: An excellent course of inquiry! T-Rex: Solving this mystery will put to rest many of the niggling mysteries of my creation! I will finally have an "origin story"! Utahraptor: You want to know where babies come from? T-Rex: I do! Utahraptor: Are you sure? It's pretty... biological. T-Rex: Please! Fill me in! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex (punchline): MOM did that?

this comic is dedicated to Emily Horne (real-life friend), Emily Horner (facebook friend), and Emily Hornest (does not exist, concrete and undeniable proof that we are not in the best of all possible timelines)

T-Rex: I'm pals with Dromiceiomimus. It's a good start. But imagine if I could find a DromiceiomimER to be friends with?! T-Rex: And then a Dromiceiomimest!! T-Rex: Then I'd have the complete set, see! LIFE WOULD SERIOUSLY BE PERFECT. Dromiceiomimus: I'm still looking for an R-Rex and an S-Rex to complete MY pal set. T-Rex: Ummmm YOU SHALL NEVER FIND THEM ON ACCOUNT OF HOW I AM THE ONLY ONE WITH THIS AWESOME NAME FORMAT, THANKS IN ADVANCE. Utahraptor: Are you looking for a Utahraptand too? T-Rex: What? No. OHHHH WAIT, I GET IT T-Rex: UtahraptOR, UtahrapAND. Hah hah. No, I was gonna go more in a UtahSLOWJAMStor/UtahRAPtor direction. I'm hoping some other friend will change their name to it for me. My birthday is coming up!! Utahraptor: Hmm... like everyone, I do like a good slow jam. God: T-REX HAVE YOU MET MY BROTHERS FOD AND HOD T-Rex (punchline): Wait, that makes you... the middle child? God: THAT MAKES ME THE ONE DUDE WHOSE NAME DOESN'T MAKE HIM SOUND LIKE A FRIGGIN HOBBIT God: ZING

BUT THEY ARE IN A STORY WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT THIS OH MY GOD

T-Rex: Guys, guys! God: WHAT T-Rex: Our universe is almost certainly a simulation! God: SHIIIIIIIIT T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: Because check it out: if you assume that computers will continue to get better, then it stands to reason that one day we'll be able to simulate an entire universe. And then there'll be a day shortly afterwards when we can simulate universe on our cell phones! And once you imagine this possibility, what are the odds that OUR universe is the one real one? It's much more likely that all creation is running in the background of some future dude's iPhone 3K! Utahraptor: Seriously? You're seriously arguing this old idea. T-Rex: I am, yes! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, think of all the stories in which the characters are running around in a realistic universe, unaware that they're fictional! DUDE! It's overwhelmingly likely that WE'RE in a story right now! T-Rex: That's stupid. Utahraptor: That's your theory, stripped of its trendy technology. God: UTAHRAPTOR HAS A POINT THERE T-Rex (punchline): noooooooooo

there are a lot of logistical problems with zombie ghosts that i concede i am unable to quickly resolve

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for assuming that there's such a thing as a soul! T-Rex: Assumption: assumed! T-Rex: And given this assumption, and the assumption that people care about exploring the idea of a soul, we can easily cast ghosts and zombies as the investigation of the soul-having experience that they are. For what are ghosts, but souls without a body? And hey, what are zombies, but bodies without a soul? T-Rex: In summary and in conclusion, ghosts and zombies allow us to explore the intricacies of soul (and body!) ownership. Utahraptor: So why are both these "explorations of the soul" found in horror stories? T-Rex: It's easy! T-Rex: As people with bodies AND assumed souls, we find the idea of divorcing one from the other terrifying; therefore, the only way we can explore the consequences of these is through the lens of horror. Tada! Utahraptor: Honestly, I think your theory is a little pat. It doesn't consider all possibilities! Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX MEETS A ZOMBIE GHOST! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you were right!! I met a zombie ghost! He wanted to eat brains but his teeth passed right through brains!! Off panel: Oh yeah? T-Rex (punchline): I would describe him as "pretty frustrated"

if you're in the uk and don't understand what game t-rex is talking about, all i can say is: patience, patience.

T-Rex: Let's say you're alone in the universe with a deck of cards, and you're like, "Welp, guess I'll sort this deck of cards"! And then you're like, "Welp, guess I'll make it possible to lose at sorting this deck of cards"! Narrator: SOLITAIRE AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: So you put the cards into piles and move them around according to a bunch of rules that somebody else invented. And eventually you'll say "Man, this game, what's the deal with this game, probably I should cheat at this game". But you're playing all by yourself! Who are you cheating? Yourself? The game? Would it help if I told you that almost 20% of solitaire games are PROVABLY UNWINNABLE? Utahraptor: No way it's that high! T-Rex: Science confirms it!! T-Rex: You're doomed to lose a non-trivial amount of the time, and it's not like it's going to happen in some super interesting way. The only novel way to lose is by dying in real life, but you only get to do that ONCE, and if you do, your last words are "Oh look, a four of hearts. I can put that on the three of hearts." T-Rex (punchline): As far as last words go: a solid eight on ten??

christmas is saved!!

T-Rex: Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet! I AM SO POOCHED! I am the worst friend in the world. T-Rex: This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Oh, hey, Dromiceiomimus! How's - how are things? Dromiceiomimus: Things are alright, T-Rex! T-Rex: Haha, that's cool! Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow: Christmas Eve! I have a very special present for YOU, my friend. Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, sure thing! Thanks! T-Rex: Why did I say that?? I AM EVEN MORE POOCHED THAN EVER BEFORE. Utahraptor: No presents, T-Rex? T-Rex: Nope! And then I compounded it by telling Dromiceiomimus that I had something extra special for her. And OH MAN, now you know my secret. I'm out of control! Utahraptor: It's okay! We'll be your friends even without presents. T-Rex: I know I know but still! Narrator: LATER: A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE?? T-Rex: Hey!! T-Rex (punchline): I could give Dromiceiomimus my toaster!

t-rex has a point, they do make movies out of perfect storms

T-Rex: I have come up with a hilarious THREE-LEVEL PUN, Dromiceiomimus! Check it out! Instead of saying "I'll play it by ear", I point to my ear and I say "I guess I'll play it by HERE!" T-Rex: Hah hah hah! Dromiceiomimus: I don't get it, T-Rex. I mean, I get that "here" sounds like "ear", but - T-Rex: - but that is just level one of pun! I'm also pointing to my ear and saying "here", so there's level two (a visual pun!) and level THREE is how "here" sounds like "hear" and you can use ears to hear things. I'll play it by "hear", i.e., by how I hear it! It is a PERFECT STORM of wordplay, Dromiceiomimus! They make movies out of perfect storms. Narrator: WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: Guess what, everyone? My pun is still awesome! Utahraptor: It's been weeks, T-Rex! Utahraptor: I think it's time to concede that you're not going to get the response you want from "play it by here" and to move on to bigger and better things. None of us think it's that great! T-Rex: Guess what, Utahraptor? It is great, and weeks from now you'll be apologizing to me for not recognizing its uncut brilliance! Narrator: WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: Guess what, everyone?! T-Rex (punchline): [tiny] you all suck

i would have titled this comic ''a story of the saurian condition'' but then humans would have been excluded and nobody talks about the ''saurian condition'' anyway. ENGLISH IS A HOMO SAPIENS-ONLY CLUB

T-Rex: Man, what a jerky guy! I met the jerkiest guy working at the computer store. Narrator: T-REX AND THE REALLY JERKY GUY Narrator: A STORY OF "THE HUMAN CONDITION" Dromiceiomimus: What made him so jerky, T-Rex? His haircut? T-Rex: Worse than that. He was just so smug about everything! I wanted to buy some RAM, so that my computer could think harder about things? But he had this air of - disdain, I guess, that went far beyond "aloof store clerk" to "terrible person who made me feel bad about myself for just being alive." I bought the RAM but now I can barely even enjoy it. Utahraptor: Well, you're done with him now! T-Rex: I know! And I won't shop there again. T-Rex: But this is the power of his jerkiness: it transcends our brief meeting so that now I'm telling all my friends about it! Argh! Anyway, I'll get over it. Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Seriously though! He was such a jerk! Narrator: THAT EVENING, T-REX SEES THE REALLY JERKY GUY AT A RESTAURANT: T-Rex: Oh my gosh, it's that jerky guy, eating alone... and he's picking his nose! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): I've NEVER felt better about myself!

sir this is my first day and i'm still working on figuring out the office politics

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for surprising my friends... T-Rex: ...with breakfast in bed, that is! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Oh, Dromiceiomimus, you're already out and about! Dromiceiomimus: Yep! T-Rex: I see. That's cool, I GUESS. I GUESS You can do what you want with your life. Dromiceiomimus: Yep! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, do you want to - T-Rex: Man, YOU'RE already up too? T-Rex: This is the last time I try to make you guys breakfast in bed, okay? You suckers don't stay in bed long enough to eat a delicious breakfast surprise. Utahraptor: Well, it's 11 am and I had things to do today. Maybe if you told me in advance...? T-Rex: Um, maybe if you were lazier and hungrier...? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I would like to cancel my order of thirty hash browns, please! Off panel: Sir this is not how grocery stores work T-Rex (punchline): Then why do you have a drive-through? Off panel: Sir Off panel: That is a good question

FOOLS! this female gender was the final piece I needed to complete my doomsday device! it runs on caring and stereotypes

Narrator: COMICS WITH SUDDEN CHANGES IN GENDER T-Rex: What a nice day to go out and do manly things. T-Rex: Maybe I'll flip some cars with my male genitals! Narrator: SUDDENLY! T-Rex: I'm a chick! Hah hah hah! T-Rex: Luckily, I can still do the things I want, because gender can inform, but does not dictate, personality and self. Dromiceiomimus: That is true! Utahraptor: So you're a woman now? T-Rex: Genderly speaking! Narrator: SUDDENLY! T-Rex: Wait, now I'm a man again! Hah hah hah! Utahraptor: Does everyone laugh like an evil, mustachio twirling genius when they change gender? T-Rex: Yep! Watch this. T-Rex (punchline): Excuse me, person across the street? You're a woman now! Off panel: Hah hah hah! FOOLS!

we would have our hands raising the roof except that's too hard to draw clearly at this size wooooo

T-Rex: Okay, so whatever. MAYBE the Terminal Velocity Skateboard Simulator would never reach terminal velocity, since there's no wind resistance. But do we not have an obligation to future generations to make sure?? God: NOPE T-Rex: Whatever! If I were in the future and I could open up a book and see "The awesome terminal velocity skateboard didn't work, OH WELL", then I would do that. Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you would, T-Rex! Because you could basically do that today, if you wanted to read up on the physics. The issue is that even with the ground moving, the board is going to slide down the ramp because of gravity. T-Rex: Ridiculous! There's friction in the wheels that - Utahraptor: - wouldn't be enough! Utahraptor: The treadmill speeds up to match the board's forward momentum, right? But if you've got impossibly perfect bearings, that's just going to make the wheels go faster while the board still slides down. So it's just the friction in the bearings that can keep you in place, and at the levels we're talking about, your wheels would melt first! T-Rex: FINE. You know what? FINE. I'm done dreaming! Imaginary ladies room sign: t-rex we symbolically represent sexy babes who forgot our clothes today! wooo! T-Rex (punchline): Okay, NOW I'm done dreaming. Imaginary ladies room sign: we're still here woooo

vegetarians could sprinkle b-12 on their food for insane taste explosions and it would be SO GOOD. someone should get on evolving this right away!

T-Rex: I'm going to say the word "baloney", so everyone who doesn't want to hear the word "baloney" should stop listening because here comes the word "baloney". T-Rex: Taste is kind of baloney, you guys! T-Rex: Delicious food is delicious, no matter how good or bad it is for me! Wouldn't it be so much better if how good a food tasted TO me depended on how good the food was FOR me? Chocolate would taste worse the more I gorge on it, until I stopped out of disgust. And if I haven't had any vitamin A in a while, carrots would taste like friggin' MANNA. Utahraptor: But then every time you'd eat something, you have no idea how it'll taste! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But it's a feedback loop: your own body is training you on what it needs through the medium of taste! Eventually you'd know your own nutritional needs by PURE INTUITION. Utahraptor: It is kind of baloney that poison can be delicious. T-Rex: This is what I'm saying! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: T-Rex (punchline): Wow, everyone should've listened to me in the past because I still totally agree with what I was saying!

if you are reading without cheating then what are you doing turning to panel four?? that is a bad decision; thus you are cheating. QED.

Narrator: YOUR LIFE WILL DEFINITELY BE BETTER FOR READING THIS a choose-your-own-adventure comic T-Rex: It's a beautiful day! If it is not a beautiful day, wait till tomorrow and then read this panel again. If it's now a beautiful day, turn to panel 2! T-Rex: It is definitely a beautiful day! Hooray!! T-Rex: Panel 3 time, baby! T-Rex: Alright. Today you're going to solve all the problems; you're going to make all the good decisions. Your life is going to improve, and it's going to be GREAT. You're going to be perfect FOREVER. T-Rex: Okay when you've done that turn to panel 4! T-Rex: You've changed your life significantly! Man, way to go! Utahraptor: We'll always remember today! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Panel 5 time! T-Rex: Wait a minute. WAIT JUST A MINUTE. If you're just reading ahead to get to the good ending, then you are cheating and need to go to back to panel 3, but this time replace "going to" with "(as punishment) not going to". Utahraptor: If you've done that already and ended up here again: I hope you have learnt your lesson. T-Rex: This is panel six, and you only get here by cheating too! NONE OF THE OTHER PANELS TOLD YOU TO GET HERE. Lucky for you, this is the ultra great ending! T-Rex: You're sexy and other people like you! T-Rex (punchline): Thanks for going on this amazing adventure!

the only option is nudity from now on, nudity SO NUDE it travels in both directions on the timeline

T-Rex: Man! I hate this feeling of thinking I'm supposed to be doing something important but not being able to remember what that might be! Luckily for me, I have the perfect solution! T-Rex: I'll simply assume I didn't have anything important to do today! T-Rex: While I'm at it, I'm going to assume I actually have the free will necessary to consent to do anything in the first place. And I'll need to assume that I haven't somehow been dropped into a convincing but meaningless simulation of the world I once knew! Dromiceiomimus: Don't forget to totally assume the world you once knew wasn't a simulation either! T-Rex: Frig! Good catch!! Utahraptor: Also you should assume your senses accurately represent the world! T-Rex: As usual! Utahraptor: And you'll need to totally assume that the world wasn't started a microsecond ago with your "memories" merely part of the initial state. T-Rex: Right. Utahraptor: Man. Lot of assumptions we're making here just to get you out of putting your wet laundry in the dryer. T-Rex: [thinks] AW MAN!! That was it! And stale wet laundry smells the worst of all the things!! T-Rex: [thinks] I hate to say it, but - T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] You messed up this timeline but good, T-Rex

food really is just pals you eat

God: T-REX WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING T-Rex: Pals! T-Rex: Pals are the most important thing! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, what about my, um, significant other(s)? T-Rex: They're just a special case of pals! They're "pals that you can kiss and tell secrets to". Dromiceiomimus: What about food? I need that to live! T-Rex: Food is just pals you eat! Utahraptor: Making the world a better place is important to me AND I don't eat it! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But WHY do you want to do that? Why do you do anything? I'll tell you why: you do it either for yourself or for others! And others are pals, protopals or potential pals, and you -- why, you're just a self reflexive autopal!! Utahraptor: Good point! T-Rex: Also inanimate objects can be pals. God: UM T-REX YOUR DEFINITION OF "PALS" SEEMS TO INCLUDE EVERYTHING T-Rex: No way! It excludes jerks and enemies, because who likes jerks and enemies? NOBODY!! T-Rex: Hey God! T-Rex (punchline): MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD TELL THEM THAT, HUH??

that's some trick!

T-Rex: Yes indeed! If I were the last man on Earth... T-Rex: ...things would be different! T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] [T-Rex's daydream] T-Rex: Hi, I'm the last man on Earth! Dromiceiomimus: My, my! Hello! T-Rex: Would you say you and your girlfriends find that... attractive? T-Rex: [harshly returns to reality] Utahraptor: Daydreaming again, I see! T-Rex: Aww, why'd you do that? I was imagining I was the last man on Earth! Utahraptor: And no doubt turning what's clearly a global disaster into a chance for sex with multiple partners! T-Rex: Heh. Well, you know me! T-Rex (punchline): Always up to my old tricks!

UTAHRAPTOR maybe in an alternate timeline i'm being less of a jerk right now, but that's just rampant speculation, okay?

Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER: T-Rex: Rock star! Narrator: ROCK STAR T-Rex: I'm a totally cool rock star! T-Rex: That's still awesome, right? It seems like 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!! Dromiceiomimus: Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"? T-Rex: Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!! Utahraptor: Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends? T-Rex: Well - um... Utahraptor: Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex? T-Rex: No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you - Utahraptor: I like rocking! T-Rex: But in DIFFERENT WAYS. T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight? Off panel: No! You're being a jerk! T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay? T-Rex (punchline): I'm gonna need you to respect the rock, okay?

as a reptile, t-rex is confused, yet, intrigued

T-Rex: Sometimes when you're in an accident or about to be hurt, time seems to slow down! This gives you more of a chance to react to ensure your survival! T-Rex: THIS IS AWESOME. T-Rex: Assuming that time isn't ACTUALLY changing, this means that my brain has the incredible ability to slow down my perception of time! I must harness this, Dromiceiomimus! I could become TRULY UNSTOPPABLE. I could read books faster AND also do well on timed tests! Dromiceiomimus: It does sound like it would be an evolutionary advantage. T-Rex: I am seriously trying to evolve so hard over here! Utahraptor: But wouldn't it be boring? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: Sure it would! If you're all "I perceive the world slowly, allowing me more reaction time", wouldn't this conversation be slowed down? Wouldn't everyone look like statues and sound like dull rumbles when they open their mouths? T-Rex: THERE IS ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. Narrator: T-REX INCREDIBLY GAINS THIS POWER FOR ONE DAY ONLY! IT'S SO PLAUSIBLE T-Rex: [thinks] I'm trapped in a body that moves so slowly as to seem motionless. Ah well! At least I have plenty of time to think about... mammalian breasts? T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Self, what is the deal with mammalian breasts?

DROMICEIOMIMUS! DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

T-Rex: My stars, I have been so busy lately. And it continues! Up to Friday is going to be KRAZY for me. T-Rex: Notice the 'k'! T-Rex: The 'k' indicates extra kraziness, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: I'm glad you specified that, T-Rex. T-Rex: I value our friendship, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: You've said that before, T-Rex. T-Rex: Well! That was an unusual interaction! Utahraptor: Explain! T-Rex: I'm not sure I can! I'd have to explain a lot about us in order for me to articulate why it seemed so unusual. I'm guessing she was just upset with something else, and wasn't in the mood for any of my shenanigans? Utahraptor: Maybe you should find out what she's upset about then! Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS! ARE YOU UPSET WITH ME AND IF SO WHY? Off panel: I'm not upset with you! I'm just tired today. T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS! T-Rex (punchline): CAN WE SHOUT FOR A BIT

this installment of dinosaur comics stars t-rex, utahraptor, dromiceiomimus, and a cat that comes up in conversation. Not a dream! Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story! In this issue, one! Of! These! Characters! Will! DIE!!!

T-Rex: In the 60s the CIA was experimenting with cats. They were making spy cats! T-Rex: SPY CATS, you guys! T-Rex: But rather than giving cats adorable little matching suits and attaché cases, WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME, they instead cut one open, implanted a battery and a microphone, and turned his tail into an antenna. Dromiceiomimus: A primitive cyborg? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: The plan was that the cat could listen in on sensitive conversations completely unnoticed! Utahraptor: Did it work? T-Rex: Well, they spent over five years and fifteen million dollars on it, but in the first and only field test Cyborgocat wandered onto the street, got run over by a cab, and was killed instantly. Utahraptor: Ouch. T-Rex: And then the project was dismantled. T-Rex: It was a lot of money wasted, HOWEVER the project was named "Operation Acoustic Kitty", which is ADORABLE. The moral of the story is this: whoever was in charge of naming secret CIA projects in the 60s was doing their job super well! T-Rex (punchline): THE END.

awww!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for talking about ex-girlfriends! T-Rex: Woooooooo! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe this isn't the best idea ever, T-Rex! T-Rex: But maybe it is! What could possibly go wrong? Dromiceiomimus: You offend your ex-girlfriends by betraying their trust, and look like a pretty big jerk in the process? T-Rex: No, no! Come on, it'll be great. Utahraptor: I think I agree, T-Rex! This is the worst kind of kissing and telling. T-Rex: The worst? Utahraptor: Yeah, it's kissing and telling years later, which, for serious, will not lead to good things. T-Rex: But what if I have only good things to say about them, hmm? What about THAT? Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: I still love all my ex-girlfriends, and remain good friends with them to this day. T-Rex (punchline): T-REX WINS!

also if you die without any ID on you except for this comic, it'll be used to try to identify you. "frig, guess he liked giraffes" they'll say

Narrator: FACTS ABOUT GIRAFFES Narrator: PRINT OUT THIS COMIC AND PUT IT IN YOUR WALLET! Narrator: THAT WAY, YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE ACCESS TO FACTS ABOUT GIRAFFES T-Rex: Did you know that ancient Greeks thought giraffes were a mixture of camel and leopard? Scientists still call giraffes "Giraffa camelopardalis" because everyone's afraid that if we change it, the ancient Greeks will be SO CHEEZED OFF that they'll all come back to life! ANGRY SKELETON LIFE!! Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know the factual part of that, no T-Rex: Giraffes have the lowest sleep needs of any land mammal! Utahraptor: Only about 1.9 hours a day! T-Rex: NICE. Utahraptor: Female giraffes use their hooves to protect their young! T-Rex (punchline): Man, they can kick LIONS to death! One kick can shatter a lion's SKULL. That's ultimate badass! Utahraptor: Pretty sure that's ultimate badass! Narrator: I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE GIRAFFE FACTS! NOW WHEN SOMEONE STEALS YOUR WALLET THEY'LL LEARN SOME FACTS ABOUT GIRAFFES. Narrator: AT LEAST SOME GOOD CAN COME OUT OF THESE UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES Narrator: UM, FOR THE DUDE WHO STOLE YOUR WALLET I MEAN

really think this genre has a lot of potential, at the very least, a lot of potential for adjectives

T-Rex: I've written terrifying horror stories, but I've never written a terrifying ROMANCE story! UNTIL NOW. *ahem* T-Rex: "Antonio Tony and Louisa Q were two people in love! ROMANTIC love!" T-Rex: "It was terrifying to each of them, but for different personal reasons." T-Rex: "Despite that, they were about to have some sexy times when suddenly an unknowable sickly shambling horror of shifting alien geometry showed up. It was SO spooky! Antonio got pretty scared, I gotta say. Later on the shambling horror left and Antonio Tony and Louisa Q got sexy times again. Now it was SO erotic!" Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, do you memorize these or just make them up as you go along? Dromiceiomimus: I am sincerely puzzled T-Rex: Are you enjoying the EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER wildly veering between lust and horror, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: No, not especially! T-Rex: I - I meant in relation to my story. Utahraptor: Oh. Utahraptor: Oh!! T-Rex: GEEZ, Utahraptor! Thanks to your personal confession, this moment just got AWKWARD!! T-Rex: "Antonio Tony and Louisa Q agreed never to be awkward again. They turned to the camera and said 'MAYBE YOU CAN BE THE SAME WAY, UTAHRAPTOR??'" T-Rex (punchline): "'If he were still here I bet he'd be agreeing with us' they said romantically, but also in horror!"

and i'll live a consequence-free lifestyl- OH GOODNESS

T-Rex: I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that compelled me to commit "random acts of kindness"! T-Rex: (True story!) T-Rex: Anyway, that's exactly what I intend to do today. Kindness ahoy! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Is this house bothering you, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: The house? Why would a house be bothering me? T-Rex: Well - just in case! T-Rex: Hey, is this woman bothering you, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: Man, leave her alone! Utahraptor: Your attempts to help us are clearly causing more harm than good, T-Rex! You see that, right? It's like you're living out some stock sitcom plotline! T-Rex: You're right!! T-Rex: Hah, the next thing you know, I'll have a wacky but non-threatening gay frien- T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOD

what you don't see in the next panel is where the raccoons and cephalopods all stop laughing at the same time, cock their heads slightly, and turn to stare at t-rex

T-Rex: So I never really found out about mind-altering drugs. Are they a GOOD idea, or a BAD idea? T-Rex: I can think of one way to find out! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I'M going to do mind-altering drugs as a science experiment, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: That's a terrible idea, T-Rex! How will you be able to trust your results if you recorded them while high? T-Rex: You, um - well, you raise some valid points about my methodology that I really should have considered sooner. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So what's the story with this drug research? T-Rex: POSTPONED. T-Rex: Perhaps indefinitely! I've decided that this isn't really that pressing an issue for me. Besides, it's not like I'm being pressured to do drugs in the first place. It was just for interest's sake! Utahraptor: Oh well! All's well that ends well, I suppose. Narrator: BUT, BACK AT HOME! Off panel: WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US IN SOME ILLEGAL DRUGS, NEIGHBOUR? T-Rex (punchline): No thank you!! Off panel: ONE TIME, T-REX, WE ALL GOT SO HIGH WE STARTED CANNIBALIZING EACH OTHER Off panel: HA HA HA Off panel: WHAT ARE THE ODDS

Captain I Say Stupid Things At Parties is not a rhetorical device, he's a real person. he's one of those guys whose name has kinda influenced his life, you know?

T-Rex: Guys, I could die tomorrow! But that's not the worst of it! T-Rex: I COULD TOTALLY BE DYING RIGHT NOW. T-Rex: And I'm not even talking about that "we're all dying every second of our life" thing because YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, we're all dying all the time, thanks for reminding me, Captain I Say Stupid Things At Parties. I meant that I could be in the first stages of head-explosion disease or any other affliction that can end a life suddenly and without warning! Right this instant! Utahraptor: Yeah, but the same goes for all of us! T-Rex: That's supposed to make me feel better? T-Rex: That any one of my friends could die without a moment's notice? Oh, thanks, I feel way better now! Utahraptor: It wasn't supposed to cheer you up, T-Rex. Utahraptor: It was supposed to warn you. T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Well, I'd like to thank last night for that little dream, as well as the movie I watched before bed for the inspiration! T-Rex (punchline): Oh! And my subconscious for these waking nightmares that haunt me still!

thanks, etymology book i found!

Narrator: THE ETYMOLOGY OF THE WORD "WOMAN" - IN COMIC FORM! T-Rex: Many people believe "woman" is a sexist term, due to its apparent base in the word "man"! This has led to crazy alternative spellings like "womyn" and even "wimmen". T-Rex: However, this is not the case! T-Rex: The word originally derives from the Old English "wïfmann", where "wïf" meant "female" and "mann" meant a person of either sex: thus, a female human! Dromiceiomimus: Man didn't mean male? T-Rex: Nope! It derives from the Latin "humanus" (earthling), from "humus" (earth, soil)! Utahraptor: And while "wïf" meant female, "wer" meant male! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: We can still see this today in words like "werewolf", which means, literally, a manwolf. Utahraptor: So "werewolf" is actually a more sexist word than "woman"! T-Rex: According to me: yes! T-Rex: This is why I spell the word "wheirwolf", and why I ask that you do the same! You wouldn't want to be SEXIST, would you? Off panel: I don't really see h- T-Rex (punchline): You'd also be respecting my unique worldview!

if i were a sleazy guy i would use my 'if i were you, i'd tell my friends about me' line ALL THE TIME. i'd have it printed on business cards! i'd hand them out to women i just met while stealing sips of their drinks.

T-Rex: I have a friend who has a problem, and that problem is that she is one of many with Narrator: UNPOPULAR LIFE GOALS T-Rex: This woman in particular wants nothing more than to fall in love with a beautiful and wonderful man, get married, and have children! The only career she wants is the noble career of RAISING A CHILD RIGHT. But some of her friends question her for not wanting anything more out of life: they don't see being a wife and mother as enough, aaaand they kinda think she's wasting her education. Utahraptor: Well, would YOU want to marry a beautiful and wonderful woman and stay at home all day? T-Rex: HELL YES T-Rex: I could work on my own projects AND cook delicious meals AND I could make bad decisions all day long. Utahraptor: And raise children. T-Rex: AND raise children. T-Rex: I may well be the perfect mate! Don't you think? Off panel: Well, if you want to marry a guy who looks forward to "[making] bad decisions all day long", then yes! T-Rex (punchline): If I were you, I'd tell my friends about me.

I'm surprised at how useful this "giant bathtub" unit of measurement is: your lifespan in "seconds as cubic millimeters" fills one up, and your caloric needs for the day, as established here on May 26th 2009, can slightly heat it. all thanks to the official dinosaur comics unit of measurement, the metric gianttub.

T-Rex: Let's say the average person can expect to live for 81 years. That's a little over 2.5 billion seconds. T-Rex: Honestly, I - I kinda thought it'd be more. T-Rex: 2.5 billion is really not that much! T-Rex: I thought I'd compare the seconds in a life to the molecules in a glass of water, but even a gram of water has over ten sextillion molecules in it! Even if I measure my life in NANOSECONDS I'm still not on par with a gram of boring ol' WATER. Dromiceiomimus: Molecules are super tiny, T-Rex! You should measure yourself in bigger units. T-Rex: Like... cubic millimeters? Utahraptor: That'd give you 2500 litres. That's a lot! T-Rex: Dude, that's just a GIANT BATHTUB. T-Rex: I want to visualize my lifespan as something impressive! Utahraptor: Okay: 2.5 billion kilometers is enough to make a one-way trip to Saturn and get most of the way back before dying, OR to travel part of the way to Uranus, but again, dying well before you arrive. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! Today I learned why we measure lifetimes in years and not in "failed trips to Uranus where only corpses show up at the end". T-Rex (punchline): It's, um - for the reasons you'd expect, basically.

all of dinosaur comics has been building to t-rex saying ''forget you, zach morris!'' in panel two. FACT

T-Rex: Someone going by the all-caps name "ZACH MORRIS" has tagged my house! My front door is now spraypainted with "Zach"'s stupid name for jerks. I don't even like Saved By The Bell that much! T-Rex: Forget you, Zach Morris! Dromiceiomimus: I thought you liked street art, T-Rex! You're always all "Hey guys, let's reclaim public spaces with art instead of ads". T-Rex: Yeah, but this isn't art! It's tagging. It's just some dude's made up name! Taggers are like dogs, marking their territory wherever they can, and "Zach Morris" is just a dog who likes implausible high school scenarios. Either that, I guess, or Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bored. And experimenting? Utahraptor: I think you're ignoring the symbolism AND sociology behind tagging, T-Rex! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Okay, so you grow up in the city, and the skyline is dominated by billboards, ads for products and brands you don't have access to. And you realize that nobody cares who you are, but EVERYONE knows who Mickey Mouse is and what a Coke is. So you create a brand for yourself! You make up a tag and put it everywhere. Off panel: Tagging can really be seen as the logical next step in ads: self-advertising! It can be seen as the price we pay for a culture that has saturated itself with advertising: individual brands, internalized campaigns of self-promotion. T-Rex (punchline): UTAHRAPTOR YOU ARE ZACH MORRIS

in conclusion: i really hate the word

T-Rex: I received some excellent news last night: that I've been accepted in a part-time job at the local middle school (grades 6-8)! T-Rex: I'll be teaching TWEENS! Dromiceiomimus: Look, um, T-Rex - don't say that word. No real person ever uses that word. T-Rex: Then I will be the first! Dromiceiomimus: No, please, T-Rex, don't use that word. You know who uses that word? Jerks use that word, T-Rex. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: I don't care what she says! I'm using the word "tweens"! Utahraptor: No you're not! T-Rex: Not you too! Utahraptor: “Tweens” is a totally illegitimate word! Older children are either adolescents or teenagers. No “tweens”. Utahraptor: “Tweens”. Utahraptor: Can you taste it on your tongue? “Tweens”. Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Ok tweens, I'll be your substitute teacher for today! T-Rex (punchline): And I was once a tweenager too, so I don't want any tween tricks played on me! Alright, tweens?

on the flight back from bc today, i sat beside this girl who had her headphones on with the music turned up, and she was bopping like crazy! she also snuck a hamburger onto the flight and when her bopping brought her head close to her burger, she took a bite. then she had a nap. i'll always remember you, crazy headphone burger girl

T-Rex: How come everything's so EXPENSIVE? T-Rex: Seriously everyone! How come? Dromiceiomimus: Everything's not THAT expensive, T-Rex. T-Rex: I don't know, Dromiceiomimus, everything seems pretty expensive to me! It's becoming clear though that my sense of what a good deal is froze when I was about fourteen years old. Inflation since then causes my sense of being ripped off to increase daily! Utahraptor: You're going to be a crotchety old man, my friend! T-Rex: Oh, it's already begun! T-Rex: Look at me, I'm complaining about the present by comparing it to how things were back in my day! I'm stereotypically OLD, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: How does it feel? T-Rex: Great, actually! T-Rex: I feel like eating food carefully AND interacting with technology in ways that would be embarrassing to any younger people I'm with! T-Rex (punchline): (Thereby fulfilling the stereotype as I understand it!)

AS SHOULD WE ALL

Off panel: Whooo! Off panel: Hey there, hot stuff! T-Rex: Ladies, please! One at a time! Off panel: Rrrawl! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you've got to help me! I've doused myself in a chemical I discovered that makes me seem irresistible to women! Only I've become TOO irresistible! It's out of control! Dromiceiomimus: Sure, I'll help you! Why don't we start with my helping you in the ways of... PLEASURE? T-Rex: Oh no! It's affected her too! T-Rex: I'm doomed! Utahraptor: Well, isn't this what you wanted? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Girl: ❤ T-Rex: You've got to help me, Utahraptor! I don't know what to do! Utahraptor: Why? You're living every teenage boy's fantasy! T-Rex: It's a stupid fantasy! It doesn't even make sense! T-Rex: I mean, a chemical that makes me seem irresistible to women? What is that, reverse alcohol? T-Rex (punchline): I like to keep my sexual fantasies grounded in good science, thanks!

my new name is "Hello My Name Is", please sign in the space provided below if you agree I'm awesome

T-Rex: Attention, friends! I have changed my name to... "THE DOG"! T-Rex: Perhaps you've seen the signs about town telling you to beware of me?? T-Rex: It's the best name ever, Dromiceiomimus! Now everyone will be all, "Oh man, I've heard of that guy! He must be pretty bad news." Dromiceiomimus: Okay! My new name is "No Shirt No Shoes No", and everywhere I go, there's companies with a special service just for me! T-Rex: Man! That IS an extremely practical name. Utahraptor: My new name is "STOP". Perhaps you've seen my tags at intersections? I get up. T-Rex: I HAVE! T-Rex: Incidentally, MY new name is "One Way", and perhaps YOU'VE seen the arrows pointing to where I currently am? Utahraptor: They're not very accurate. T-Rex: That's because One Way only moves one way: UNPREDICTABLY. Narrator: LATER: NEW DRIVER'S LICENSES ARRIVE IN THE MAIL T-Rex: "Mr. Shoplifters"? That's what I landed on?? T-Rex (punchline): Man in the future I ain't gonna get nothing but prosecuted

fists with nicknames would garner a lot of street cred: i'd estimate at LEAST 20 street credits

T-Rex: Spurred by an insatiable need to better myself, I have taken up a new sport! T-Rex: That sport, my friends, is fisticuffs! T-Rex: Do you think I would be good at fisticuffs, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: What is it? T-Rex: Boxing! The word is a seventeenth-century alliteration of 'fisty' (of the fists) and 'cuff'! Utahraptor: You haven't thought this through! You're just interested in fisticuffs because of the name! T-Rex: So? T-Rex: Cheerfully conceded! Utahraptor: Well, you know that you need bigger arms than yours to box with, right? You need arms like mine! T-Rex: What are you talking about? My arms are powerhouses! T-Rex: VESTIGIAL powerhouses! T-Rex: My fists are named "Knuckles" and "Chuckles", for your information! T-Rex (punchline): Spread it around, dig?

WIKIPEDIA! I would have donated during your last funding drive, if only I knew!!

T-Rex: There are not enough internet acronyms. If I want to speak entirely in internet acronyms like LOL and ROFL - T-Rex: - WHICH I DO - T-Rex: - then my emotions are limited to only the crudest of feelings! I can laugh out loud, or I can roll on (the) floor laughing, but what if I'm just chuckling? What if I have a condescending smirk that fades into a distant smile of recognition? What if I want to communicate the nostalgia you have for an old girlfriend when you're dating someone who's way better, but you still miss her sometimes? IS THERE AN ACRONYM FOR THAT, INTERNET?? Utahraptor: "IMMOGBNR". T-Rex: Immogebeaner? Utahraptor: Yep! Stands for "I Miss My Old Girlfriend, But Not Really". Used all the time. T-Rex: Huh! Is there one for, like, groups of people who draw pictures of kinky sex? Utahraptor: Sure! "We Illustrate Kinks Involving Phallocentric Euphoria During Intercourse. Awesome." T-Rex: WIKIPEDIA! Oh my God! Has it stood for that all along? Off panel: It's the Secret Mission of Wikipedia! Don't tell anyone, okay? T-Rex: Hah! Awesome! T-Rex (punchline): ...Why didn't they just say so?

i'd been compiling a mental list of these for years. i thought i was alone, but randall munroe told me he'd been doing the same, and had discovered the name for them: initial-stress-derived nouns. they even have a wikipedia page. nice!

T-Rex: Homophones are words that SOUND the same but mean different things, like "news" and "gnus". Way to go only part way, HOMOPHONES. T-Rex: Don't bother showing up to my dinner party, HOMOPHONES. T-Rex: MORE impressive, and still invited for Yukon Potato Gnocchi, are words that are SPELT the same, but have two different meanings: words like "attribute" (to credit something to someone) and "attribute" (a property of something)! One's a noun and one's a verb and it's seriously so awesome. I cannot imagine how to perfect these words, as they are already perfect! Oh ho ho! Utahraptor: But are there really a lot of these words? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Let's be serious. T-Rex: Are you not familiar with accent? Or with addict, combine, conduct, conflict, content, and object? PERHAPS YOU'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO PERFECT, PRESENT, PROGRESS, REFUND, SUSPECT, AND UPSET? Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Okay. Well. They're at my dinner party tonight. Narrator: LATER THAT EVENING. T-Rex (punchline): Man! I've got to start inviting REAL people to my parties. God: WAIT WHAT

see? all that practice with saying things like "colon openbracket" is PAYING OFF ;(

T-Rex: I am going to tell you a story, and it stars an old man whose name I don't know. He went into a diner, ordered some fries with gravy from the only person working there, paid for them, and sat down! Soon she brought the fries and gravy to his table! T-Rex: This story gets better soon, I promise! T-Rex: So the fries are there, drenched in gravy, and this guy has to be at least 85 years old. He looks around his table and it hasn't been set properly, so there's no utensils, no napkins. He starts eating with his hands and despite his best efforts, the gravy's getting everywhere. His hands are soaked in it. It's running down his wrists, and that's got to feel gross. Utahraptor: Then what happens? T-Rex: Well, he finishes his meal! T-Rex: And he walks up to the cashier and shows her his hands, saying things like "look at me" and "this was a horrible thing to do". She says "Oh my God, if I'd known I'd have brought you a fork" and he says "it's too late now" and leaves the restaurant. Utahraptor: And then? T-Rex: That's the end of the story, Utahraptor! T-Rex: I call this story, "Good Lord, I Hope I Never Get Old". T-Rex (punchline): :(

IT'S NOT ACTUALLY THAT ATTRACTIVE BUT EVERYONE SAYS IT IS BECAUSE OF COLONIALISM

T-Rex: Oh, it's true! If it was even MARGINALLY in style, I would grow mutton chops. Narrator: TRUE CONFESSIONS OF T-REX Dromiceiomimus: Aw, T-Rex, you'd be one of those guys with deliberate facial hair? T-Rex: In a second! I love the grizzled prospector look. Actually, no, that's not even true - I love PRETENDING to be a grizzled prospector. The facial hair would just be the grizzly icing on the prospector cake! Utahraptor: I really don't think it would be that fetching a look on you, T-Rex! T-Rex: That's okay! I have backup plans. T-Rex: Backup plan "A" is labelled "handlebar moustache"! Utahraptor: You really wish you were a hairy guy born a hundred years ago, don't you? T-Rex: Sometimes I do! I wonder what it'd be like. God: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW T-REX BECAUSE I COULD SHOW YOU WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE T-Rex (punchline): Really? God: YEAH BASICALLY YOU DIE OF SYPHILIS AT 30 BUT YOU LEAVE THIS TOTALLY HAIRY CORPSE

Don't freak out on me! Freak out on Nick Bostrom; I basically stole this all from him. Luckily I'm pretty sure I was programmed to do so by the simulation so I figure: we're cool

T-Rex: It's possible that one day, an advanced civilization (and not necessarily our own!) might be able to reasonably simulate an entire universe, or at least enough of one to fake it for simulated people living inside. T-Rex: And these simulated dudes wouldn't even know they're in a simulation! T-Rex: And if a civilization can do this once, it's likely that they'd EVENTUALLY do it more than once. They could even reach a point where simulations are mass produced: billions of disposable toy realities used for experiments, research, or given to children during Future Christmas! Utahraptor: Sure, maybe in some hyper-advanced future! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex (punchline): But if we assume that SOMEONE can reach this level, then what's more likely: that WE'RE the ones who develop this technology without actually being in a simulation ourselves, or that we're all stuck in one of the TRILLIONS of simulations being run AS WE SPEAK?? Utahraptor: *gasp* Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS WISHES YOU A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS 2010

dinosaurs shouldn't read sue grafton

T-Rex: Well, my screenplay for "(A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder?" didn't work out. Nobody wanted to produce it! So, I have started a new screenplay, based on the Structured Query Language for databases! T-Rex: It's called... T-Rex: "UPDATE bodies SET status = 'DEAD'"! T-Rex: It's about a database administrator for a large company who uncovers a secret database by accident! T-Rex: A database... of MURDERS! Utahraptor: Your screenplay, once again, appeals only to a micro-niche market! T-Rex: How do you mean? Utahraptor: Well, the only people who will enjoy it are those in the intersection of the set of people who know databases with the set of people who like crappy movies! T-Rex (punchline): Pretty nerdy, my friend!

hit me matey one more time

T-Rex: I've made a fantastic discovery: a discovery bound to send the music theorists back to their dusty old drawing boards! For you see.... T-Rex: I've discovered how to turn most any love song into a sea shanty! Dromiceiomimus: A sea shanty? Like, a pirate song? T-Rex: Indeed! Dromiceiomimus: And how do you accomplish this miraculous transformation? T-Rex: Easy! I simply replace every instance of "baby" with "matey"! Utahraptor: There's no way that would work, T-Rex! No way! T-Rex: Try it yourself! Utahraptor: Alright! Hmm.. well - "together you and me could be so special matey"... Utahraptor: "Hush little matey/Don't you cry"... Utahraptor: "Ma ma ma ma matey / Don't forget my number!" T-Rex: See? T-Rex (punchline): It's amazing!

god damn it, babies, you've got to involuntarily practice some degree of autocannibalism

T-Rex: Okay, so we use food to build our bodies, right? Everything we are comes from food. Even the sperm and egg cells we came from were made by our parents out of food. T-Rex: These are Science Facts! T-Rex: Anyway, I was just thinking that how weird it is that our bodies are basically PROCESSED FOOD, but when processed food comes OUT of our bodies (tears, hair) we throw it away! T-Rex: ...Sometimes we eat it if it's boogers and we're kids. Utahraptor: You throw your tears away? T-Rex: Well, I don't sell 'em for profits! T-Rex: Look, it's just weird that we're food is all. Especially when we CONSUME OUR OWN BODIES to help them grow! Utahraptor: What? No we don't. That's gross! T-Rex: Um, hello, I'm pretty sure you've not spat out every drop of saliva that ever squirted into your mouth!! T-Rex: Welcome to the world, babies! It turns out being alive means you keep your mouth moist with your own juices, only sometimes it's too much juices, so you chug 'em into your belly and feed on them like they're food. Sometimes it happens while you sleep! T-Rex (punchline): Yayyy mortality

"i'm not bitches"

T-Rex: Time for some more epitaphs, bitches! God: I'M NOT BITCHES T-Rex: Time for some more epitaphs, everyone!! T-Rex: Here Lies T-Rex: Hey I Bet He's Still Wicked Handsome! God: HERE LIES T-REX HE WAS MORTAL SO THEN HE DIED T-Rex: Depressing! Dromiceiomimus: "Here Lies T-Rex: He Never Stopped Saying "Frig" / Even If He Stopped Saying Other Words". T-Rex: BAD. ASS. Utahraptor: Here lies T-Rex: He lived his life well / and tried to understand. T-Rex: Boooring! T-Rex: Epitaphs need to grab the attention of passers by, Utahraptor - you're competing with EVERYONE ELSE who's ever died! Utahraptor: Here Lies T-Rex: His Heart Was Punched Out Of His Chest By A Robot, But Then Wind Blew His Heart Into The Robot's Face And The Robot Said, "Error, Oh Man, Gross". T-Rex: Niiiiiice. I also would have accepted "Here Lies T-Rex: He Tried To Eat One Of Every Animal; Hopefully That Counts For Something!" T-Rex (punchline): Because... hopefully it does, you know?

"EVEN IF YOU STORE MY PASSWORD IN AN ENCODED OR HASHED FORMAT (RECOVERABLE OR OTHERWISE) YOU CONSENT AND AGREE TO MY TERMS; AGAIN: NO TAKEBACKS AND/OR MULLIGANS"

T-Rex: I HAVE COME UP WITH THE BEST PASSWORD EVER. But I can't tell anyone! T-Rex: Because it's a password! T-Rex: What the heck, passwords! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you can tell me what your previous passwords were, and get satisfaction that way! T-Rex: NICE TRY, Dromiceiomimus!! My new passwords are variations on my awesome old ones, PLUS, by revealing them I give you more data points with which you can reconstruct my password choice preferences! Utahraptor: Come on, give us at least a hint! T-Rex: Okay. FINE. T-Rex: It involves alphabetic Latinate graphemes AND glyphs from the European instantiation of the Hindu-Arabic numerational system. Utahraptor: Are those - T-Rex: Yeah. Yeah, those are the standard letters and numbers you're thinking of. T-Rex: [thinks] Hah hah! Nobody knows my rad password is "by storing this in your database you admit T-Rex is 1000% awesome and that you owe him $5000!! STORING THESE WORDS MARKS YOUR CONSENT; NO BACKSIES ALLOWED." T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] It's a long password but it's gonna pay off! In dollars!!

it's true, gentle reader! in a better world, you're looking forward to Casual Frigday

T-Rex: You know what? Maybe Leibniz is right and we're all doing pretty okay. Maybe this IS the best of all possible worlds! T-Rex: Except for the fact that ice cream costs more than vegetables! T-Rex: And except for the fact that WAY more people on the face of this planet care about the economy than they do about buying me presents. Dromiceiomimus: And except for the fact that we can't just decide to stop making mistakes. T-Rex: THAT, and except for the fact that entropy is always increasing and in the end all life in the Universe will be still, dead and frozen forever. Utahraptor: But maybe in the best of ALL possible worlds, you don't exist! T-Rex: Oh, wow. Maybe! T-Rex: How depressing would it be to know you're part of the reason things aren't perfect? To look in on the best of all possible worlds and notice you're not there. Utahraptor: Exactly! But maybe this is the best possible world for YOU, personally. Maybe this is as close to heaven as you'll ever get! Narrator: THE BEST POSSIBLE WORLD: T-Rex: I'm SO GLAD we named it Frigday instead of "Friday"! Off panel: We followed the Germanic roots of the goddess Frigg's name instead of the English ones! T-Rex (punchline): Attention, naked and sexy (yet non-exploited!) members of the attractive sex! I KNOW

"THON SMASH GENDER-CENTRIC LANGUAGE" WORK FOR BOTH THON (MAN) AND THON (WORD); THON APPROVES

T-Rex: There comes a time in each dinosaur's life when he or she must look him or herself in his or her mirror and - T-Rex: - Excuse me for a moment. T-Rex: English! What the HELL? T-Rex: We need some gender-neutral pronouns, like, yesterday! T-Rex: "It" is impersonal and rude, and don't even try to trot out "they" for me, English. Don't even. "They" is plural and has always been plural and I've got to believe in the entire history of English communication I'm not the first person to ever want to talk about someone without blabbing about gender identity! I could use "s/he" but that doesn't work orally, "his/her" is way cumbersome and "one" is so classy that only I ever get to use it! Utahraptor: People have invented pronouns like "hir", "phe", "zhe", and "thon"! T-Rex: Hah! "Thon". THON ENJOY THIS. T-Rex: BUT THON THINK INVENTED PRONOUNS ALWAYS SOUND STRANGE? THON STILL LOOK FOR SOLUTION TO SATISFY EVERYONE. Utahraptor: Well if you don't like both the existing options AND the constructed ones, what's left? T-Rex: THON NOT KNOW BUT THON KNOW IT WHEN THON SEE IT. T-Rex: WAIT, THON DECIDE THAT "THON" ACTUALLY AWESOME WORD AND EVERYONE SHOULD USE IT! T-Rex: OTHERS NOW SAY "THERE COME A TIME WHEN THON MUST LOOK THONSELF IN MIRROR". T-Rex (punchline): THON AGREE! THON HAVE LOT OF INTROSPECTION TO DO. THON BELIEVE UNEXAMINED LIFE NOT WORTH LIVING!!

this was inspired by Henry Darger, look up Henry Darger to learn more about Henry Darger

T-Rex: You know those guys who are quiet and unassuming but when they die folks look in their house and find an AMAZING unpublished manuscript that nobody knew they were writing? T-Rex: I would like to be one of those guys, please! T-Rex: I would also like not to die, please! T-Rex: All I REALLY want is someone to look through my stuff when I'm not around and find something that makes them say, "Wow, T-Rex had such a rich inner life and incredibly powerful imagination; I guess he really WAS one of the greatest minds of this or - I'll say it - any other generation." Dromiceiomimus: What did you have in mind to leave behind to make people say this? T-Rex: I dunno - neatly pressed shirts? Utahraptor: Neatly pressed shirts. Really? T-Rex: Incidentally, do you know how to press shirts? Utahraptor: I do, yes, because I am an adult. Listen, if you ARE secretly working on a 15,145 page magnum opus or something, the whole point of this is you're never supposed to mention it! Otherwise we might suspect and the surprise is RUINED. T-Rex: Suspect what? That I'm secretly a genius author? Allow me to be the first to say: T-Rex (punchline): PROCEED

i feel compelled to mention that it's less cute if mammals make an equivalent card

T-Rex: Yesterday was a very special day for many people! T-Rex: Yesterday was Mother's Day! T-Rex: Did you give your mom some flowers for Mother's Day, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I had some delivered! T-Rex: Excellent! And, attached to the flowers, a note? Dromiceiomimus: You know it, baby! Utahraptor: What about you, T-Rex? What did you do for YOUR mother? T-Rex: Lots! T-Rex: I got her some seeds (she likes to garden) and some chocolate (she likes chocolate) and a card I made with a drawing of me hatching from my egg! Utahraptor: Aww! That's cute! T-Rex: Yeah, but when you open it, it's actually a robot version of me, and I'm shooting red lasers from my eyes that spell out "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY"! T-Rex (punchline): (Mom said it was "very creative"!)