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it has come to dominate all other matters in t-rex's life. t-rex is all, ARE WE FRIENDS OR AREN'T WE, GOD, BECAUSE FACEBOOK DOT COM SEEMS TO EQUIVOCATE ON THE MATTER

T-Rex: MAYBE I am being a little uptight about my carpets. Some dudes are probably raised to shoe-walk on carpets all the time, and I guess it kind of makes sense, since they ARE on the floor. T-Rex: I wonder what things would be like if I were less uptight about carpets! Narrator: T-REX'S FANTASY SEQUENCE: T-Rex: You know what, Dromiceiomimus? ANYONE can walk on my carpets. I seriously don't mind! Dromiceiomimus: Can I walk on your carpets? T-Rex: Heck yes! Let's go do that right now! I LIVE for this sort of thing! Utahraptor: Hey, are we off to walk on your carpets?! T-Rex: WE SURE ARE! Don't forget your dirty-ass shoes! Utahraptor: I'm really looking forward to this! T-Rex: Me too! It's all I want out of life!! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Daaaaamn! Narrator: END OF T-REX'S FANTASY SEQUENCE. God: HEY DID YOU KNOW I CAN SEE YOUR DREAMS T-REX T-Rex: Oh wow! I think it's SO AWESOME that you'll spy on my dreams, but won't approve my friend request on Facebook Dot Com!! God: UH T-Rex (punchline): DO IT RIGHT NOW

it's one of those genres that sounds terrible, until you think about it, and then it sounds oh so good. like sports horror!

T-Rex: Okay guys, get ready for my new SCIENCE FICTION EPIC that will BLOW YOUR - God: FANTASY IS IN NOW T-Rex: What? FANTASY is in now?! God: YEAH MAN NOW PEOPLE ARE ALL ABOUT ORCS AND VAMPIRES AND WIZARDS AS THEY HAVE BEEN FOR LIKE THE PAST FIVE YEARS God: YOU DIDN'T NOTICE T-Rex: NO, I didn't. Maybe because I was too busy enjoying STARSHIP EXPLOSIONS?? Maybe I was too busy enjoying stories that feature the omnipresent threat of the HARSH VACUUM OF SPACE?? Utahraptor: Maybe you should've been too busy paying attention to the cultural zeitgeist?? T-Rex: Bah! T-Rex: Utahraptor, we live in the future. I can go out TODAY and buy an mp3 player that also can store a small number of PHOTOGRAPHS. Clearly people will give up on high fantasy soon enough and get back to basics, which is and always has been robots who are unsure if they have feelings. You'll see! Narrator: A FEW YEARS LATER: T-Rex: What the hell, now everybody's into pretty princess courtroom romances instead!! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, I'm - I'm actually totally down with this

originally this comic had more about the sea squirts eating their own brains, but it was just everyone screaming

God: T-REX NAME AN ANIMAL YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT T-Rex: Sea squirts! God: OKAY T-Rex: Wait - that's a real animal?! T-Rex: I thought it was just my hilarious nickname for a sex thing! God: THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE TADPOLES THAT HATCH FROM THEIR HERMAPHRODITIC PARENTS AND SWIM TILL THEY FIND A ROCK WHICH THEY ATTACH TO AND NEVER MOVE AGAIN T-Rex: Why is the sea so weird? God: THEN SINCE THEY'RE NOT MOVING ANYMORE THEY EAT THEIR OWN TAIL AND OTHER NOW USELESS BODY PARTS T-Rex: Why is the sea SO WEIRD? God: INCLUDING THEIR BRAIN T-Rex: Okay I'll say this: WHY IS THE SEA A NIGHTMARE WITHOUT END? Utahraptor: Black swallowers? T-Rex: No, brain auto-cannibalistic sea squirts. Black swallowers? Utahraptor: They've got a stretchy body to eat animals way bigger than themselves. When you said "nightmare without end" I thought you'd seen one. T-Rex: What do they look like? Utahraptor: I don't know if you- T-Rex (punchline): TELL ME. Off panel: [a photo of a black swallower] [T-Rex is crying black tears]

those poo bugs, man.

T-Rex: Some larger cities are plagued by advertising trucks: trucks paid to just drive around in the downtown core with giant advertising placards mounted on the back. The hell? I disagree with this in the strongest way possible! T-Rex: And generally I'm a seriously easy-going dude! T-Rex: They're just so WRONG. They're causing unnecessary pollution in an area that already probably has problems with air quality, PLUS, they're congesting the road and making our cities more corporate and less beautiful. They're ugly, and the whole idea is self-centred, and thoughtless, and the worst kind of capitalism. Utahraptor: Oh man, those ad trucks piss ME off too! T-Rex: Really? You don't think I'm going overboard? Utahraptor: Not at all! It's aggressive advertising that intrudes on our public spaces, and since it adds to congestion on the roads, ACTUALLY MAKES PEOPLE'S LIVES QUANTIFIABLY WORSE. The time lost stuck behind an ad truck can be traced directly to some jerk who thought his message was more important than minutes from your LIFE. God: SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO T-Rex (punchline): Then why don't you do anything about it? God: I HAVE MAN God: ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD God: ZING

i'm really happy with idea of responding to "that's like doing x" with "only analogously!" it is what i will be doing from now on, just a heads up

T-Rex: Attention, please, everyone! I've done some reading about the brain and I discovered there's a part of it called the "amygdala"! T-Rex: And the amygdala is responsible for FEAR RESPONSE! T-Rex: This is amazing! I had NO IDEA fear was localized to a single location. This opens up whole new avenues in the field of toughening up the very scareable: just open up their brain and remove their amygdala, and it's an instant fearectomy! They'll wake up from surgery, shake your hand, laugh in the face of danger, and then get business cards that say "PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO EXPERIENCE FEAR." Utahraptor: That's like solving a problem of high blood pressure by removing the heart, T-Rex! T-Rex: Only analogously! Utahraptor: The amygdala doesn't just do fear anyway: it's also responsible for long-term memory retention! The more emotional the memory, the better it's stored. If you lose it you also lose the ability to learn from feelings! T-Rex: Hah! NOT A PROBLEM. You know all I've ever learnt from feelings? Narrator: ALL T-REX HAS EVER LEARNT FROM FEELINGS: T-Rex (punchline): "Being sad sucks"

Mr. John Main standing and looking by Main Street, Ms. Jane 4th quite proud of her avenue

T-Rex: How do you get your name on a street sign? Is there like, a place where I can slap my name down and say "So hey, I heard THAT name's really rad"? T-Rex: I really want to live on "T-Rex Lane", you guys! T-Rex: Obviously, my IDEAL address would be "80085 T-Rex Lane, T-Topia, Rexland", but, you know, one step at a time. So: street names! How do I get in on that? Dromiceiomimus: Well, if you're a local politician your odds are improved through CRONYISM, and I guess if your last name was like, "Lakeview", you'd have better odds too. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, this advice's Helpful Rating is currently at ZERO!! Utahraptor: If you're someone famous, that helps too! T-Rex: OBVIOUSLY. Utahraptor: Look, if you're serious about this, then go buy some unincorporated land and build a road and house there! I think your street name's considered when the land is incorporated into a municipality. T-Rex: But then I'd have to live out in the boonies all by myself! T-Rex: On the other hand, I COULD be living on "Awesome People ONLY: The Street"! Frig! I can't see any way out of this impasse, Utahraptor! T-Rex: You may want to go on about your day, I - T-Rex (punchline): I may be stuck here like this for a while

Fee simple laws for land and Section 49(a) of the Canadian Criminal Code, cats and kittens

T-Rex: The best form of monarchy is CONSTITUTIONAL monarchy! Perhaps you could even say that it's the T-Rex: KING T-Rex: of governmental systems?? It's great! You can set it up so you get a figurehead monarch who is fun to print on your money, but the REAL power is still with the people! Dromiceiomimus: Why have the monarch at all then? Seems like a really expensive way just to keep one rich family happ- T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS T-Rex: THOSE ARE FORBIDDEN THOUGHTS Utahraptor: I'm not afraid to say there's tons of downsides! T-Rex: Name one! Utahraptor: You have a crazy useless head of state? Also, you end up with weird pro-regent laws where if you have a Queen everything SECRETLY belongs to her and if you pull an April Fool's prank on her you go to jail. T-Rex: Come on. That's not a real law. Utahraptor: *ahem* Off panel: "Every one who wilfully, in the presence of Her Majesty, does an act with intent to alarm Her Majesty... is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 14 years." T-Rex: Oh shoot T-Rex (punchline): Looks like my April Fool's day just opened up

the t-rex is out of touch

T-Rex: I wonder, is there an essential "feminine", one that trancends histories and cultures? T-Rex: Similarly, could I myself be the essential "masculine"? T-Rex: Why, I believe I could! What am I besides the real, true essence of "male-ness", the invariable and fixed properties which define masculine for now and forever? T-Rex: I sure am great! T-Rex: Truly, I am the epitome of the male form! Utahraptor: I disagree! Utahraptor: I think it's pretty clear, T-Rex, that I am the epitome of the male form. Utahraptor: And you'd better call a plumber, because these pipes are going to burst! T-Rex: "Pipes" means "muscles", right? T-Rex: That's slang, right? T-Rex (punchline): Slang of today's youth culture?

Most movies use actors these days, since real people a) don't like to lie all the time and b) keep looking directly into the camera and saying "Hey! What the hell, are you recording this?"

Narrator: HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR T-Rex: Make up stuff that didn't happen! Imagine lies, then write them down in order. T-Rex: THAT IS LITERALLY ALL AUTHORS DO. Dromiceiomimus: What about the authors of non-fiction? T-Rex: Oh, you mean the ones who PLAGIARIZE REALITY ITSELF and then have the gall to write "By me! I wrote this!" on the cover? Dromiceiomimus: ...I - suppose I do? Utahraptor: What about screenplays? T-Rex: Hah! Those are just a special "he said / she said" format for lies! T-Rex: To produce them one needs to hire "actors", which are people who are trained to say LITERALLY ANYTHING as long as you pay them. Such a person is really convenient to have when trying to film events that didn't happen, so these days most movies use actors extensively. Utahraptor: ...Huh. Devil: T-REX WHAT ABOUT VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: You mean INTERACTIVE LIES?? T-Rex (punchline): ...Yeah, they're pretty fun actually. Devil: I LIKE THE MARIO SERIES IN PARTICULAR

i totally lifted this punchline from scott pilgrim vs. the world. you should read it! it is totally radical!

T-Rex: Time to make some Life Decisions, set some Life Goals! T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I am going to be a dude with direction! T-Rex: But this isn't just a ploy to seem more comely to members of the attractive sex! I really feel like I need a goal to work towards, something that I want to achieve. In the past I've always just gone with the flow! T-Rex: Go to school, okay, then university, okay, then get a job - Utahraptor: And then? T-Rex: And then... work at that job or at better jobs as they come along, until I get married and later on die! THE END. Utahraptor: And you're hoping to avoid this by having Life Goals? T-Rex: Yep! Somehow! Narrator: T-REX'S LIFE GOALS: T-Rex: Get big and smart? T-Rex: Eat my weight in chocolate? T-Rex (punchline): Learn how to fly rockets or something?

it is an open question among the awesome dudes of the day

T-Rex: I have been thinking, and I have come to the conclusion that it would be pretty sweet to be called as a witness in some sort of murder trial! T-Rex: Pretty sweet indeed, my friends! Pretty sweet indeed! Dromiceiomimus: Why do you think it would be so great to be called as a witness in a murder trial? Do you want to have witnessed a murder? T-Rex: Not hardly! But I do want to be able to testify, under oath, that I, T-Rex, am an AWESOME DUDE. It will go in the official court record! It will probably be reported in the papers! Utahraptor: Yeah, it will probably cause a mistrial! T-Rex: What? No! Utahraptor: Yes! They'll say, "Objection! Witness is causing a mistrial!" T-Rex: No they won't! Utahraptor: "Additionally, witness is clearly not an awesome dude, as awesome dudes need not point out their own awesomeness!" T-Rex: But wouldn't it be SO AWESOME to discuss your own awesomeness in open court, that it would be a special case? T-Rex (punchline): I would argue, "yes"!

if you're worried t-rex would see green instead of red, assume "red" is what t-rex calls green and then worry about how utahraptor sees the same colour too. ONE PROBLEM: SOLVED

T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, pick a colour between ultramarine and puce! Off panel: Red? T-Rex: OH MY GOSH THAT T-Rex: WAS T-Rex: THE COLOUR I WAS THINKING OF T-Rex: What shade of red? Is it like, a pinky reddish shade? Dromiceiomimus: Yep! That's the one I was thinking of! T-Rex: AMAZING. I'll tell you a secret, Dromiceiomimus: that's the colour I see whenever I close my eyes! Utahraptor: That's the colour EVERYONE sees when they close their eyes! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah, when you close your eyes they don't turn off - instead, you stare at the inside of your own eyelids! The red colour is from the blood vessels in them. T-Rex: Gross. Utahraptor: Really? Huh. Utahraptor: It could be way grosser. Off panel: When you lower your facial skin flaps, your eyes stare unblinkingly at the inside of your own fleshy head. Hair sprouts from each flap's edge. T-Rex: Utahraptor I'm revoking your "able to say words" license for the day! T-Rex (punchline): It's a harsh measure BUT: my friend, you have earned it well

ah, the gallant fireman's pole, the first port of call for the recreational house designer

T-Rex: If I had the means to design and build my own house, it would have all sorts of cool features. Like skylights and sensible door chimes and high counters designed to accommodate my giant frame! T-Rex: And perhaps... a FIREMAN'S POLE and WATERSLIDE?? T-Rex: I am so serious about this. I would have a fireman's pole. The waterslide - the waterslide I can see dying on the drawing board. But a big brassy fireman's pole is a very Freudian way to say "Ladies, I'm the dude with the giant fireman's pole in his house". Utahraptor: That's pretty sweet, T-Rex! But you don't think you'd get tired of it? Eventually? T-Rex: Never! T-Rex: How could I, when there'd be a trampoline at the bottom to ensure soft landings, AND stairs at the side for the elderly and the sissy-panted? Utahraptor: But then you'd always hit your head on the ceiling! T-Rex: Nope, because there'd be a second UPSIDE-DOWN trampoline there too, man! Kapow! T-Rex (punchline): I will call my house, "The House Where It's Very Hard To Get Any Work Done".

When big-city lawyer James Helpings inherits his late father's family restaurant, James is forced to return home, fully intending to close the business. But when he sees all the good he can do there, and how this small town reminds him of the really important things in life, James decides to stick around. Make each Thursday night family night, with "Second Helpings".

T-Rex: When Mary and Denise Apple fall in love with handsome twin brothers from the hated Orange family, wedding bells are on the horizon! But merging two families is never easy. Watch the sparks fly on "Apples To Oranges", every Monday night! T-Rex: Holy crap! Inventing TV shows is big easy!! T-Rex: Joseph Plead is the fourth in a long family line of police misconduct investigators. But when he's murdered and no cop will touch the case, it's up to his barrister son, Joe, to track down the criminals... in or outside the law. Federal courts meet street justice, every Tuesday night on "Plead The Fifth". Utahraptor: You've just based TV shows on common sayings! T-Rex: And they're all turning out rad! Utahraptor: Okay, what about... "That's Life". T-Rex: Wacky staff hijinks befuddle the uptight manager of Life Magazine, circa 1950! Utahraptor: "Saving Grace". T-Rex: A nun saves a man from death and decides to do the Lord's Work more concretely, becoming the world's first superhero! T-Rex: Earth is under attack! And when Mary Straw's family is vapourized by aliens, she may well be the last Earthling left alive. Now, she's taking down the aliens, alone, piece by piece. That's... The Last Straw. T-Rex (punchline): Oh WOW do I wish I had the drive and focus to make my ideas become reality!

t-rex how could superman possibly know his own birthday? his parents put him in a rocket ship when he was a baby. that's crazy!

T-Rex: Attention world! Who wants to come over and help me celebrate... T-Rex: ...SUPERMAN'S BIRTHDAY?? Dromiceiomimus: You're celebrating the birthday of a fictional character? T-Rex: Sure am! While Superman may be fictional, the cake and good times will be SUPER real! Dromiceiomimus: I might, um, feel a little weird celebrating the birthday of a fictional character, but I'll try to be there! T-Rex: Excellent! It will be SUPER good times! Utahraptor: Can I come? T-Rex: Sure can! T-Rex: And I assure you it will be... SUPER excellent? Utahraptor: I bet it will be, assuming you don't make "super" puns the whole night long! T-Rex: Hah hah! WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!! Narrator: LATER, AT THE PARTY: T-Rex (punchline): [small] I drank too much

friends, i have bad news! the answer is still actually 'no way'!

T-Rex: I have written a new story, called "Make Way, Here Comes Tiny Chef!" T-Rex: It's about a tiny chef who makes tiny food for everyone! T-Rex: And though he's tiny in size, his food is always big on taste. Oh! And there's a scene where he cooks a big banquet for everyone, and it's really good, and everyone says thanks to him all at once, and Tiny Chef says, "Oh, it wasn't any trouble!" Then he smiles and adds, "Actually, maybe it was just a... TINY bit of trouble?" and everybody laughs. Oh, Tiny Chef! Utahraptor: It sounds like a fun story, T-Rex! T-Rex: Really! You approve! Utahraptor: Yep! It's nice to see you writing a nice wholesome children's book for a change. T-Rex: Whoah, children's book? Mine is a book for adults, Utahraptor. My market is fully-grown men and women who would like to find out just a little bit more about one very tiny chef. T-Rex: For have we all not woken up in the morning only to ask ourselves "What is it really like, being a tiny chef in a world of regular-sized chefs? Is there no book to explore this tantalizing question?" T-Rex (punchline): Friends, I have good news! The answer is no longer 'no'!

philosoph comix

Narrator: PHILOSOPHY COMICS T-Rex: We can't trust our senses! The entire world could be an illusion!! T-Rex: Oh well. It doesn't really matter either way, I suppose. Dromiceiomimus: Are we still on for dinner? Narrator: THE END Narrator: PHILOSOPHY COMICS II Utahraptor: T-Rex! Science tells us everything is relative! Utahraptor: This means that there is no such thing as truth! Your idea of what is right could be just as good as mine! T-Rex: You misrepresent the science. All vantage points are relative, however, this does not mean that all THINGS are relative. That would be absurd. T-Rex (punchline): But please, continue to take simplified scientific results and apply them naively to philosophical thought! Narrator: fin

All of the other reindeer aren't laughing now.

Narrator: CASE FILE #4523 UPDATE FROSTY THE SNOW MAN T-Rex: Thank you all for coming: I remind you this meeting is classified. Until yesterday, we believed "Frosty" was hiding somewhere in the north. We were wrong. T-Rex: "Frosty" (Case #4523!) has BECOME the north. T-Rex: All contiguous polar ground snow now either is a part of "Frosty"'s body or falls under his control: the distinction is no longer relevant. The presence of Agent 95 on the Barneo ice floe appears to have awakened the creature, as snow is extracting itself from the permafrost and collecting near the North Pole. We believe we're witnessing the creation of a new, colossal, Snow Man. Dromiceiomimus: This is the true cause of the seismic events reported in the media. Utahraptor: Conventional weapons have had no effect: the snow melts, freezes, and begins to collect itself again. T-Rex: Indeed! Utahraptor: Our last hope is a reindeer whose red nasal radiation destroys water molecules and whose linguistic aptitudes mean he can be convinced to work for us. "Rudolph" has been released from lead-lined containment and is flying towards the pole now. T-Rex: By the time he arrives we estimate "Frosty" will be visible from space. T-Rex: Agents: we're sending a single vegetarian prey animal against three continents' worth of angry snow. And if he fails, the "thumpety thump thump" of "Frosty"'s arrival may be the last thing any of us hear. T-Rex (punchline): Your final letters to your families have been readied for transmission. Dismissed!

so i did this comic a while ago as a joke but then i was like, people need to know this stuff

Heading: SUBJECT: hee hee hee hee MOOD: ☹ Groggy MUSIC: Cibo Matto - Birthday Cake T-Rex: Sry people for not updateing lately!!! T-Rex: I haven't updated in awhile, mainly because my puter has been annoyingly slow. I need to ask my 'rents to buy me a new one! T-Rex: neway not much is new with me.... i really need to go out more... worried i might be in a rut... Heading: 4 COMMENTS | [blue] POST A COMMENT Utahraptor: *hugses* T-Rex: *big big hugs* THANK YOU!!!!! :) Utahraptor: Hey no problem. I actually meant it to be anonymous but I click too fast and didn't actually click the box I thought I did. Oh well. T-Rex (punchline): I sometimes make that mistake too.

not too shabby!

T-Rex: Isn't it CRAZY how young some people are when they get married? T-Rex: It's CRAZY! T-Rex: My parents were only twenty when they got married. Twenty! I was nowhere near marriage material at twenty. I was and still am a loose cannon! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe they just found the right person? T-Rex: Twenty, though! You're almost still a teenager at that age! A baby! How do you know enough to get married? Utahraptor: I think that marriage is a very personal thing, T-Rex! T-Rex: Well, yeah! Utahraptor: No, really! It's an expression of love, which is almost by definition inexpressible to someone else. Marrying young probably just seems crazy to you because you didn't meet the right person at that age! T-Rex: So it's essentially unknowable to me unless I had married at that age myself... Hmmm... Narrator: ANYWAY, T-REX GOES BACK IN TIME TO WHEN HE WAS 20, FINDS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE, AND MARRIES HER: T-Rex: Kick ass! T-Rex (punchline): So THAT'S what that feels like!

joey comeau is writing a new horror book and it has INSPIRED me

T-Rex: My new story is a horror story! SO PREPARE TO EMBRACE TERROR. PREPARE TO EMBRACE TERROR AS HARD AS YOU CAN. PREPARE TO CRY TEARS OF PURE FREEBASED AFRAIDNESS ON TERROR'S SHOULDER. T-Rex: TERROR COMFORTS YOU AS THE TEARS FLOW. T-Rex: YOU PULL BACK FROM TERROR AND STARE INTO ITS EYES, AS TERROR LOOKS DEEPLY INTO YOURS. YOUR TEARS STOP, REPLACED BY SOMETHING ELSE. IS IT - DESIRE? COULD TERROR POSSIBLY FEEL THE SAME THING? YOUR LIPS TOUCH, TENTATIVELY. YOU - Dromiceiomimus: You were writing a horror story? T-Rex: Hold on Dromiceiomimus, something's happening here. Where was I? Oh yeah: T-Rex: YOU MAKE OUT WITH TERROR. T-Rex: YOU'RE MAKING OUT WITH TERROR PRETTY HARD NOW. Utahraptor: TERROR BEGINS TO PULL OFF YOUR CLOTHES. T-Rex: "BUT WAIT", YOU SAY, "WHAT IF SOMEONE SHOULD COME ACROSS US IN THIS IDYLLIC GLEN?" TERROR REPLIES LUSTILY, "LET THEM; I WANT YOU NOW AND I DON'T CARE." Utahraptor: YOU ARE IMPRESSED BY THE SEMICOLON USE AND, THEREFORE, CONSENT TO SEXUAL CONGRESS. T-Rex: AWESOME. T-Rex: LATER ON TERROR AND YOU SNUGGLE AND YOU SAY "THAT WAS EXCELLENT. I'M SO GLAD I EMBRACED YOU EARLIER." AND TERROR SIGHS AND SAYS "ME TOO". T-Rex (punchline): Later on, murders!

casey moaned as riley moved away: it was a moan of frustration. "i thought tonight was sex times night?" casey said, but riley was gone, out of the room. a few seconds later, noise from the tv drifted up from downstairs. with a sigh, casey reached for the smartphone at the side of the bed. seconds later, a new twitter post was completed. "lol", it read.

T-Rex: QUANTUM EROTICA is gay and straight and lesbian and other ALL AT THE SAME TIME, and it only collapses into a single sexuality upon being observed by a reader! It's great and I invented it and guess what? T-Rex: IT'S QUANTUM EROTICA O'CLOCK T-Rex: Casey and Riley were alone at last. "Finally," breathed Riley into Casey's ear. "I've been wanting sex times all day." They kissed. While kissing, Casey's arms wrapped around Riley, found a very enticing bottom, and gave it a squeeze. Dromiceiomimus: Whoah! Smooth move, Casey!! T-Rex: I know! Casey is good at squeezing bums; that's pretty much canon Utahraptor: Okay, but no way can you describe the sex itself! Different body parts come into play. T-Rex: NOT A PROBLEM. T-Rex: Casey moaned as Riley moved - Utahraptor: OKAY OKAY YOU WIN THANKS I'M GOOD FOR EROTICA YOU CAN STOP NOW T-Rex: It's great! Since everyone uses euphemisms around sex, I can talk about sex really explicitly using euphemisms!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: "Casey and Riley sat in front of each other and showed off their naughty bits!" T-Rex: hah hah hah T-Rex: oh man T-Rex (punchline): how embarrassing

you can sneak crying pills into people's sandwiches for illegal weepy shenanigans

T-Rex: I am a pretty satisfactory dude, and yet sometimes, I feel incomplete. The reason for this is simple: T-Rex: I've never been moved to tears by music! T-Rex: We have this cultural image of some prodigy beautifully playing the piano while everyone in the audience weeps. If I were there I could only look around in confusion! I like music, sure, and some of it is very pretty, but to cry about it? I wouldn't know where to start! T-Rex: With crying pills, I guess? Utahraptor: Hey, do crying pills really exist? T-Rex: You know, I have no idea! T-Rex: Maybe they do, but they're just super spicy pills, so people's eyes well up when they bite into them. Anyway! Utahraptor: Anyway! Utahraptor: I've seen you cry at movies. T-Rex: Man, that was because movies can have sad narratives! Music just has a bunch of notes that I am entirely unable to relate to in any emotional context. T-Rex (punchline): On account of my untrained ears and my magnificent manly heart?

"kabazillion" isn't even a valid imaginary unit, t-rex. sheesh, try to take science seriously OKAY

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Today's letter to Professor Science comes from Alexis, who writes: T-Rex: "Dear Professor, how much would it cost to buy the WHOLE DANG PLANET??" T-Rex: Wow! I guess we need to know how much our planet is worth, then. I'm guessing... a kabazillion dollars? Dromiceiomimus: What if we took the sum value of all the world's currencies? That'd tell us how much everything is worth, in total! T-Rex: That works, right? Because money itself isn't worth anything, but we all PRETEND it's worth the value of the goods it's traded for, right? Utahraptor: Except that doesn't include oceans and stuff - things you can't buy! T-Rex: TRUE. Utahraptor: Plus, buying the WHOLE DANG PLANET also means buying everything on it, and that means we now have to put a price on LIFE ITSELF. T-Rex: I always knew this day would come, Utahraptor. I - I just never thought it'd be soon. T-Rex: Alright! Life itself is, what - like twenty bucks? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Professor Science, can we SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE that people are wrong for getting mad at me for saying life is worth like twenty bucks? It grows in crusty milk, it is like the most free thing ever!! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): PROFESSOR ARE YOU EVEN HOME

so hey um OUCH

T-Rex: It's time for some plasticized new slang! Some plasticized - Narrator: NEW SLANG FOR TEENS Dromiceiomimus: You're using "plasticized" a bit unusually there, T-Rex. Is that part of your new slang? T-Rex: YES. I figure, existing words are already familiar to everyone, so I'll just expand their semantics! Plasticized now means both "irreproachably amazing" AND "past participle of 'plasticize'". And it's for teens, because teens are the thin edge of the language wedge! T-Rex: And when they pick up on it, the "seniorettos" will follow! Utahraptor: "Seniorettos"? T-Rex: Non-teens. Older non-teens, actually. Younger non-teens are called "babypants", as they have been since time immemorial. Utahraptor: Well, when you find some teens, be sure to let them know your new slang! T-Rex (punchline): TOTALLY ON IT. Narrator: FIFTY YEARS AGO: Off panel: This is a sculpture I did of the child I hope to have one day! He'll be a doctor, and he'll spend all his time helping others and curing horrible diseases. Off panel: It's gonna be so great

i did the math and it works out as long as I don't have any readers who are like, five years old. if you are a reader who is like, five years old, then please just sit and contemplate at this comic for a few years and it will eventually TOTALLY WORK

T-Rex: Hey, here's a fun thing to do! Take your current age and double it! T-Rex: DO IT RIGHT NOW T-Rex: Wow, that's a big number, huh? T-Rex: Now imagine actually being that - I'll say it - OLD. Crazy, isn't it? The idea of living life at such an age, knowing each day that you're just getting older still. Imagine what your life would be like then, some of your friends gone, others changed almost beyond recognition. You don't keep in touch with them all anymore, obviously. T-Rex: Well, anyway: good news! You're already half-way there! Utahraptor: T-Rex, that's terrible! Now I feel super old and sad! T-Rex: No worries! T-Rex: Take your current age and sextuple it. The odds of you being dead at that point are, how do I put this, "nontrivial". Utahraptor: That makes me feel worse!! T-Rex: Okay, take your current age and divide it by six! Now you're a kid again! T-Rex: You have forgotten a lifetime of accumulated memories, make significantly fewer contributions to society, and may even poop your pants. T-Rex: Welcome to being alive! T-Rex (punchline): It uh, kinda sucks at both ends!

the DVD release of this comic features some cut dialogue! 'It would be for us as if the whole internet burnt down one morning, and it turned out that everyone forgot to keep a copy of it! Only - only more probable!'

T-Rex: Ah, the great Library of Alexandria! A repository of learning founded in the 3rd century BC, this library has become a powerful symbol for knowledge. T-Rex: Especially since it was destroyed by fire or maybe looting a few centuries later! T-Rex: Oh, what knowledge we have lost! What revelations were written on those ancient papyrus scrolls, now entirely beyond our grasp? With this lost information, could the industrial revolution have arrived a thousand years earlier? The only answer I can offer is an enthusiastic "perhaps!" followed by a wide-eyed "who knows??" Utahraptor: Whoah, I think you're putting too much into this, T-Rex! T-Rex: It was a pretty great library! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're treating the actual libraries (plural) as a symbol, which only confuses what actually happened historically. Certainly SOME ancient knowledge was lost, but I think it's disingenuous to suggest that its loss meant our development was set back thousands of years! T-Rex: You're saying that by building up the legend, I do a disservice to the actual libraries? Well, I've got news for you, my friend! T-Rex: Um! T-Rex (punchline): The news is, you make some convincing arguments!

whenever I cook pasta, I sing 'la donna e mobile' (it's the opera song you're probably thinking of) while replacing all the lyrics with variations of 'if you like tasty things, you will like tasty things.' it's good times! for me!

T-Rex: Man - it's a totally awesome day today! And it will probably be a totally awesome evening too, and perhaps even a totally awesome night. T-Rex: Yes, today is looking up! Dromiceiomimus: It is indeed the first really nice day of spring, T-Rex! T-Rex: You know what? We should have a party tonight at my place, just because it's so nice. Could you come? Dromiceiomimus: I could and I will! T-Rex: AWESOME. Utahraptor: I'll be there too, T-Rex! This'll be fun! T-Rex: Sweet! T-Rex: It'll be pretty mellow, but I will be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN to buy some delicious snacks, so we can have tasty things to eat! Everyone loves tasty things! Utahraptor: Sounds great! T-Rex: I, in particular, sincerely enjoy tasty things. Narrator: BUT, SECONDS BEFORE EVERYONE ARRIVES: T-Rex: Aw man! I SERIOUSLY FORGOT TO BUY ANY SNACKS. I am the worst party host ever! T-Rex (punchline): Am I now to live in a world where all my future impulses towards spontaneity will be tempered by no small measure of regret?

the tv chef said baking is easy! the tv chef took a friggin' heck of a lot of shortcuts.

Narrator: LET'S MAKE ANOTHER FOOD T-Rex: Hello and welcome to Let's Make Another Food! Today we'll be making "apple pie from scratch". T-Rex: If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe! T-Rex: Carl Sagan said it, and we respect a man who has such a deep, fundamentalist understanding of "from scratch"! So we'll be devoting our time to studying protouniversal dynamics in the hopes of creating a small, stable, personal universe in which apple trees might eventually be induced to grow. T-Rex: Harvesting will be left as an exercise to the reader. T-Rex: Okay, so we start with a superheated and dense force-unified space - Utahraptor: - where'd it come from? Who made it?? T-Rex: Dude, who cares? We're not investigating our own origins here. WE'RE JUST MAKING DESSERT. All we need is a complete understanding of the universe as it was between time zero and 10^-43 seconds later and we're set! Utahraptor: So dessert is delayed? T-Rex: DESSERT COMES WHEN I GAIN ACCESS TO A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: THANK YOU FOR COMING OVER FOR DINNER, HERE ARE REHEATABLE PIES FROM MCDONALD'S FOR DESSERT T-Rex: YES, THEY ARE NOT WHAT I PROMISED YOU T-Rex (punchline): YES, I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

also her plan was creepy and a little obsessive, but Sally knew that if she found her Fixed Timmy he wouldn't mind, because that was one of the ways she fixed him.

T-Rex: One day, Timmy the human fell in love with Sally, who was also a human. Two humans decided they liked each other. OOH, WHAT A SURPRISE. T-Rex: But later Timmy dumped Sally, and Sally was really sad! T-Rex: "If only," Sally said, "if only I could find someone like Timmy, but less capricious. And perhaps with either more or less mammalian body hair, whichever one it is that I find most attractive. But as my fellow humans have not invented technologies to alter people's bodies and personalities to my specifications," she sighed, "I am out of luck." Dromiceiomimus: Aww! T-Rex: "It seems unhappiness is to be my most reliable chaperone," she said, sighing again. Utahraptor: Awwww!! T-Rex: Then she realized: overpopulation! With over seven billion humans on her planet all at once and only so many ways to be, there had to be an approximation of Timmy out there with her preferred changes implemented. So she travelled the world to find him! Utahraptor: And did she? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: It was a sorting problem with way too many results to go through. Instead she fell for someone else, which was fine. It was all fine. There were many people out there she could be happy with, and a lot of it came down to chance. T-Rex (punchline): THIS CONCLUDES RATIONAL LOVE THEATRE, THANKS FOR COMING

it's true, he's not married to it

T-Rex: I've discovered something exciting! T-Rex: Writing free-form poetry is easy, if you just write whatever pops into your head! T-Rex: Observe! T-Rex: radiantbox T-Rex: [the first word is written such that the letters form a '\' shape, the other words are raising in a '/' shape] falling up to heaven T-Rex: The end! Utahraptor: That was awful poetry! T-Rex: It was awesome! Utahraptor: All you've done is throw some stupid words in a stupid framework! It's stupid! Utahraptor: Rrr! Just thinking about how bad that poem was is making me angry! Utahraptor: That poem was so BAD! Off panel: How could you make something so crappy?! T-Rex (punchline): Okay! It was just a poem! I'm not married to it!

ARE THEY PRETTY OKAY

T-Rex: I'm not hotted out by women who continue to wear high heels while getting increasingly naked. T-Rex: I'm just not! T-Rex: I have a Theory about conventional western civilization being infatuated with a cartoonish idea of femininity. Dromiceiomimus: Explain! T-Rex: Well, you look at the women shown as being attractive in the media, and what do you see? An exaggerated female stereotype, with all of the womanly characteristics underlined and highlighted. T-Rex: It's as if guys are so afraid of being called gay, they go for the most capital-w Woman they can find! Utahraptor: That's absurd! T-Rex: I don't think so, man! I think it's a side-effect of homophobia in the media. Utahraptor: There's so much wrong with your theory, I don't know where to start. T-Rex: Okay! How about with "womanly characteristics"? T-Rex: Isn't that an odd and frankly creepy way to describe something? "I'm really interested in your womanly characteristics, darling." T-Rex: "What are they like" T-Rex (punchline): "What are they like"

t-rex evidently thinks it's also the ultimate date movie

T-Rex: I have an idea for the ULTIMATE disaster movie: basically, what happens is the Earth stops dead in its orbit one day, and everybody flies into a wall! T-Rex: (Or, if they're outside, into the sky!) T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex: Best movie ever! T-Rex: So it'd be told in a series of shorts: each short starts a little before everybody flies into a wall, and ends with everybody flying into a wall. T-Rex: It would be SO GOOD! You start out small: regular people, a fat guy at a buffet, building up to a parking lot full of cars tumbling into the sky, the star quarterback kicking the ball and then he, and everybody else in the game, flying up after it. Utahraptor: Your movie sounds awesome! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: But wouldn't it get a little repetitive? T-Rex: No way! The viewers would know what's going on after the first few shorts, so you play off those expectations. Like, there's this shot of a really elaborate wedding, and the audience is all, "Oh man, all those people are going to fly into a wall SO HARD!". Utahraptor: And? T-Rex: And then we cut to years afterwards, when they're old and stooped, holding hands out on the porch, and THEN the Earth stops in its orbit and they fly off together into the sky! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! Two tickets, please!

if the dog is female you can call her "ma'am" but that kinda seems like you're just not on very familiar terms yet

T-Rex: Holy crap I just came up with the best dog name ever! God: BETTER EVEN THAN DR LEONARD MCCOY OR BONES FOR SHORT T-Rex: Quite possibly!! You get a dog and name him... T-Rex: ...SIR. T-Rex: "Come here, Sir!" you'll say, and in that instant everyone will know you are both 100% FREEBASED CLASSY. Hah hah! "Sir, did you poop on the floor?" "Please, Sir, stop humping! Sir! You embarrass us both." Dromiceiomimus: You sound like a butler. T-Rex: Exactly! This magical dog name turns you into a gentleman! BETTER: a gentleman's gentleman! T-Rex: Getting a dog AND getting to roleplay being awesome and well-mannered for 12-18 years? SIGN ME UP. Utahraptor: Nice! Utahraptor: You have to pick up your dog's poop either way, so you might as well pretend he's a millionaire while you do it. "Good poops, Sir." you can say. "Here, have a treat. You, Sir, are a good dog." T-Rex: I don't wanna sound crazy or anything but LET'S GET DOGS RIGHT NOW!! Narrator: BUT IT TURNS OUT GOLDFISH ARE CHEAPER: T-Rex: Excellent swimming, Sir! More smelly food flakes?? T-Rex (punchline): Don't die on me, Sir.

do you want the big mac or not, sir

T-Rex: To convert to Islam, all you have to do is say a few words, called the "Shahadah". And then, hey presto, you're a Muslim! T-Rex: THIS KNOWLEDGE MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY. T-Rex: A new religion is just a few words away! Dromiceiomimus! I feel the same craziness I would feel if I discovered that, I don't know - I could change my GENDER by just reciting a sentence or so. Crazy with POWER! Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex, the whole point is that you say these words with conviction and understanding and honestly accept their meaning. It's not like - T-Rex: I know, I know. IT'S NOT LIKE SUMMONING BEETLEJUICE. T-Rex: And yet, I still feel like I've discovered the ability to summon Beetlejuice! Utahraptor: You're really into this, eh? T-Rex: Yeah! It blows my mind that there's a phrase you have to say. There's TESTS to become Jewish, and you can be Buddhist just by saying so. But Islam is right in the middle! No tests, just a magic phrase! Utahraptor: I'm not sure you're the best person to have this knowledge, T-Rex! Also, don't call it a "magic phrase". Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Excuse me! Uh, do Muslims have to pay sales taxes here? Off panel: ...Yes? T-Rex (punchline): What about people who hear God tell them to "lose a few pounds, chubbs"? Off panel: Um, especially them?

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I'M WILLING TO ADMIT: listen okay i'm stuck in King's Quest IV when you dig up the graves and the game keeps crashing and I think I got bad floppy diskettes. Message me if you have good KQIV floppy diskettes, I need the AGI version, maybe we can date??

Dating profile: My self-summary Dating profile: Okay so I made a profile before but nobody dated me??? It's weird I think there might be a bug on the website. Dating profile: What I'm doing with my life Dating profile: Hah hah hah NEXT Dating profile: First thing people usually notice about me Dating profile: is how I hacked the website to put pictures of me and my friends in the background! Here is what's happening at Dating Site Headquarters right now: OH NO T-REX IS AN ULTRA HACKER !!! BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT IN HACKING INTO THE KERNEL HE ALSO HACKED INTO... MY HEART <3 <3 <3 Dating profile: I didn't type that! The words just appeared! So you need to move fast to date me now I think!! Dating profile: The six things I could never live without Dating profile: ...is a sentence fragment; I found another bug Dating profile: On a typical Friday night I am Dating profile: hey utahraptor what do you do on a typical friday night? i need it to be awesome/sexy!!!!! Dating profile: helloooo Dating profile: utahraptor UTAH UTAH utahRAP .... tor Dating profile: whoa wrong window! Okay how do you delete Dating profile: You should message me if Dating profile: What what what?? There's a checkbox for if you're looking for casual sex!! Oh man! Should I check it? Message me if you think I should check it!! Dating profile: What if I checked it?? Dating profile: I wonder if it's ever been used

friiiiiiiiiiig how embarrassiiiiiiiiing

T-Rex: Let's assume, JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT, that in my remaining 50 years or however long it is I have left, I fail to become immortal. T-Rex: That implies I've got a finite number of days left! T-Rex: And THAT implies that I've got to make these days count. It implies that every day is a race against mortality, and even though I'm doomed to lose this race, second place isn't so bad. Dromiceiomimus: Second place is first loser, T-Rex. T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: NO FEAR Utahraptor: What are you gonna do to secure a respectable second place? T-Rex: Same thing I'm already doing, man! T-Rex: Hanging out with friends, trying to make things rad and myself EVEN MORE AWESOME whenever possible, and, OCCASIONALLY, smooching people who are SO ATTRACTIVE I kinda can't even believe it. I want to be able to look back on my life and say... Utahraptor: ...yes? T-Rex: Um... "neat"? T-Rex: "I never DID find out where I left my keys"? Off panel: "Oh crap, her name is 'Emily', I've been calling her 'Dromiceiomimus'"? T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): ...SERIOUSLY??

t-rex nobody spoke like that in the 1920s or ever, come on, let's be SERIOUS

T-Rex: Do you get to write your own epitaph? If you do, then mine will seriously be "Here lies T-Rex: the radical dude with the radical 'tude!" Or even "T-Rex: smart and trim; let's be like him"! Narrator: T-REX'S BUSY DAY Dromiceiomimus: Aw, you're always on about epitaphs, T-Rex! How about something new, like - instead of a sentence people remember you by, an image? Say, 10 seconds of silent video! T-Rex: That's neat! You could cheat and have 1920s title cards ("DUDES, FORSOOTH! I'M SO DEAD") but just silent images would also be cool. What would you have? Dromiceiomimus: A kid in a tree, and then the tree becomes enormous, and the kid is happy about that. T-Rex: Hmm! I guess I'd have a picture of me giving a thumbs up. Utahraptor: Lame! T-Rex: You didn't let me finish! THEN, over me and my thumbs up, a newspaper spins towards the camera 1930s style, fills the frame, and the headline says "T-REX AWESOME, DEAD!" Utahraptor: Huh - not bad, actually! Do me. T-Rex: Okay! Let me think... T-Rex: Alright - YOURS would be a video of a soggy dog, and then the dog throws up a little, and then there's a subtitle that says "BAD DECISIONS". Off panel: Okay I'm putting in my will that you can't ever do a video epitaph for me. T-Rex (punchline): That's tough, yet fair!

dedicated to joey comeau, the man who wouldn't stop talking about his chest pain for like THREE WHOLE DAYS

T-Rex: Which chest pains are, like... T-Rex: ...the GOOD chest pains? Dromiceiomimus: Don't say that, T-Rex, it'll make me laugh and that aggravates my chest pains! T-Rex: Oh no, thinking about other people's chest pains aggravates MY chest pains! Dromiceiomimus: Hah! Dromiceiomimus: Ouch Utahraptor: You guys want some chest pains? I got some. I think I got, like... extras? T-Rex: No, we're good! T-Rex: Why do we even have pain sensors inside our chests? Why would we evolve to feel pain in the first place? Why can't I just get a text message inside my head that says "oh hey your heart is boned" and I can click "whatever, I had a good run" and we leave it at that? God: T-REX BE COOL IT'S JUST A FRACTURED RIB T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): "Just"

panel seven: a banner above t-rex's head reads "Oceans: they hate terrestrial life, but you can't really blame them." Beneath it, T-Rex is saying "We put our poop in there is the thing!!"

dinosaur comics returns monday! (here's why)

Narrator: LET'S ALL LEARN ABOUT THE OCEAN T-Rex: Ah yes, the ocean. The comparatively-viscous sky of the sea! T-Rex: It's where we keep most of our salty liquids! T-Rex: Grab a map and what do you see? OCEANS. But surprise, the map is lying because it says "there's definitely an Atlantic Ocean and a Pacific Ocean, honest" when HELLO, it's all the same water! All the oceans are LITERALLY TOUCHING. T-Rex: There's no wall or anything. T-Rex: It's just like - water? Utahraptor: I was promised ocean facts! T-Rex: FINE T-Rex: Did you know ocean covers 71% of the planet? That's really boring, but it's also true! Utahraptor: You've got to SELL it, T-Rex! Ocean doesn't cover 71% of the planet. 71% of our planet's ground hates us SO MUCH that an unprotected visit to it means INSTANT and UNESCAPABLE DEATH. T-Rex: Well, I mean, it might take a few minutes to drown. Off panel: I was referring to the water pressure crushing you into a tiny sphere. T-Rex: Hah hah, sweet! T-Rex (punchline): I forgot about that!!

this is a gross recipe, there's no spices, nobody make this unless you add some dried and flaked vegetable matter to the fleshy mash

Narrator: TODAY WE ARE MAKING A FOOD T-Rex: Hello and welcome to Today We Are Making A Food! Today's food is "Meat Lasagna". To start, you'll need four haploid female reproductive gametes! T-Rex: These can be easily harvested from sexually-mature landfowl! T-Rex: You will also need 1 cup of an organic, warm white fluid produced by and extracted from the mammary glands of a cow. This can be heated to reduce the number of viable pathogens contained within, and chilled to delay decay and decomposition. Also acquire 3 tablespoons of a water-in-oil emulsion of damaged phospholipid membranes and milk fat globules. Dromiceiomimus: This colloid may be sold in your supermarket as "butter"! T-Rex: You'll also need 1.5 pounds of interior cattle flesh, ground into a uniform mash! Utahraptor: Delicious! T-Rex: Finally, procure some unleavened paste made by melding water with the edible portions of grasses, rolled flat and cut into sheets. Boil the sheets, brown the flesh, mix the gametes with the animal mammary juice, place in layers, and cook at 449.817 Kelvin for 5400 seconds! T-Rex (punchline): This will serve 6-8 alive humans, most of whom will readily consume this product so long as you don't ever show them this recipe!

dear diary, maybe if i had better friends THEY would say this instead of ME??

Narrator: OH NO SOMEHOW I GOT SAD Narrator: a comic to read when you're sad T-Rex: What are you sad about? Whisper it to me; I promise I won't tell. [no text] T-Rex: Really? Well, I can see why that would make you sad. Tell you what, take all the time you need. I'll be here when you're done being sad. T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Continue reading when you're done being sad! T-Rex: Alright! Now nobody we care about is sad! Utahraptor: I'm a little sad! T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Utahraptor, we can't just shift the sad around person-to-person! Utahraptor: I'm sorry! I got sad! T-Rex: Well, take all the time you need! We'll continue this conversation when you're no longer sad! Utahraptor: I- T-Rex: TALK ONLY WHEN NO LONGER SAD T-Rex (punchline): Dear diary: I am a good friend

an orbital tower is an elevator that goes straight up into SPACE. i believe this is the first time it has been suggested that one could jump out of them onto giant trampolines. arthur c clarke called satellites but i call this!

T-Rex: When you break up with someone, can you still be friends? T-Rex: Sources say, "Yep! SURE CAN!" T-Rex: I think it's a good idea because you loved them, right? I don't see that changing just because you broke up. They still must be pretty great! Dromiceiomimus: But - what if you broke up with them because you didn't love them anymore? T-Rex: OKAY. But there still must be things that attracted you to them, and you can still have those as friends! Maybe they're really good at karaoke, or adept at shoe repair. That's attractive! Utahraptor: That IS attractive! T-Rex: That's what I'm saying! Utahraptor: But I think you're ignoring the possibility that even just seeing this person could be too painful, shoe repair aside. That happens pretty often! T-Rex: OKAY HONESTLY I did not expect this to be this complicated. All my breakups have been clean AND totally awesome! Narrator: THE PAST BREAKUP CAM: [vertical motion lines above T-Rex] T-Rex: We jumped out of an orbital tower and are now freefalling from outer space onto giant trampolines! Off panel: I know! I think we should see other people, baby! T-Rex (punchline): That's cool!

more accurately, t-rex would have easily won if he'd made the argument before the invention of written language. but then the punchline doesn't work! you can't just build the hms sinkytowne out of words!!

T-Rex: Performative utterances are things that you can say, and hey presto, you've changed your life and the world around you! You've changed your life with WORDS. Like the Shahadah, this is insane! This is totally insane. T-Rex: Let's do it!! T-Rex: There's simple ones like "I promise to clean my room" (your future is now altered), but there's bigger ones like "I now pronounce you husband and wife": you weren't married before, and now, oh my God you guys, you're totally married! And then there's "I hereby christen this ship 'HMS Sinkytowne'" and "I sentence you to death by misadventure". Dromiceiomimus: Saying "We declare war" is the same, isn't it? T-Rex: Sure is!! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're only legally married when you sign the paperwork! T-Rex: Well - Utahraptor: And it's the same with christenings and sentences AND declarations of war: they all require paperwork! I'D argue that the performative utterance is just part of the ceremony, and that the real change is made when you sign on the dotted line. T-Rex: Well, I mean... that's just our society? God: T-REX YOU WOULD HAVE EASILY WON THIS ARGUMENT IF YOU'D MADE IT BEFORE THE INVENTION OF PAPER T-Rex (punchline): Ah well. I'm still glad we invented paper! God: ME TOO God: OTHERWISE WHAT WOULD THE HMS SINKYTOWNE BE MADE OUT OF

totally could've stopped this comic at panel one, stepped outside, and waited for someone to ask me about things that happened yesterday just to use that line i came up with

God: T-REX IT'S INTERESTING HOW YOU PERSONIFIED THE COMPUTER AS A WOMAN T-Rex: What are you, a history major? That stuff went down YESTERDAY. God: I'M JUST SAYING IT'S INTERESTING T-Rex: I had to choose from the gender spectrum, and I did! God: BUT WHY DID YOU CHOOSE FEMALE T-Rex: Are you asking an OFTEN HETEROSEXUAL DUDE why, when given his gender druthers, he chose LAY-DEE over another jive-ass hunk? God: JIVE-ASS HUNK T-Rex: It's a hunk whose ass is jive! You're God. You must know some!! Utahraptor: Hey! What's up, T-Rex? T-Rex: I'm on trial for imagining my computer to be a babe and my hands are full! Utahraptor: I - I can parse that sentence, but it feels like I'm making a mistake when I do? Like there's sentences in English that shouldn't be said, and I'm somehow - tainted for having tried to understand yours. T-Rex: Okay Off panel: Like it's changed me, lessened me, like I'm standing on the edge of a great precipice and I can feel the pit of my stomach dropping but I'm still edging ever forward, daring to peek over the edge. T-Rex: Hah hah T-Rex (punchline): Okay

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO TELL YOU THIS

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for thanking my friends for their friendship! T-Rex: Friendship Tuesday, everyone!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm really glad we're friends. I like how we hang out and I like that we've shared so much together. So - thanks! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm glad we're friends too! I like that we can talk about things without worrying about how it might look to someone else. T-Rex: Excellent! T-Rex: And I'm glad WE'RE friends as well, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Hey, me too! T-Rex: Super! I've never said this, but I love how when you come over for dinner you always bring some wine. It's old-school classiness! Utahraptor: My pleasure, T-Rex! I enjoy how when YOU come over, you always say "Thank you for inviting me into your home." It always sounds sincere! God: I NOTICE THAT YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN TO THANK ME FOR MY FRIENDSHIP T-REX T-Rex (punchline): I haven't forgotten! I was just, um, going to thank everyone else on the planet first? God: T-REX LISTEN God: WHEN YOU LIE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT SOUND BETTER THAN THE TRUTH

if you are personally insolvent, it is a good idea to inform the dudes

T-Rex: I just had the greatest idea for a business ever! It will be a store selling self-help books and stuff for relationships. It will be called... T-Rex: ... The Relationshop! T-Rex: Hah hah! Assuming people choose their shopping establishments by pun quality, I am truly set! Dromiceiomimus: So, it's an adult book store? Adult novelties? T-Rex: No! No, it's just like - it's got books. And it's got calendars with puppies in teacups, framed by captions about commitment. You know! Stuff the public wants! Utahraptor: All this for a pun, huh T-Rex? T-Rex: Not just for A pun! For a SERIES of puns. T-Rex: For example, the franchise manual is titled "Let's Talk About Our Relationshop". Utahraptor: And the first sentence is "We hope this will be the start of a beautiful Relationshop"? T-Rex: Man! YES! You are on the ball with this pun! You're hired! Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: T-Rex: Dudes! T-Rex (punchline): I am personally insolvent!

if by "remorse" you mean "repeated observation of empirical evidence" then yes i do have a lot of it and yes it is consuming my every waking moment

Narrator: COMPRESSED LITERATURE COMICS today's literature: THE TELLTALE HEART, BY EDGAR ALLAN POE T-Rex: I murdered up a senior citizen! T-Rex: And then I stuffed the body under the floorboards! T-Rex: I must say, I planned the murder well and pulled it off perfectly. Dromiceiomimus: But can't you hear the accursed beating of his heart: a low, dull, quick sound, such as a watch makes when enveloped in cotton? Is it not driving you INSANE? T-Rex: Ummmm, I can hear my SCIENCE TEXTBOOK telling me about AUDIBLE HALLUCINATIONS and how they AREN'T REAL? T-Rex: It's an audiobook, see. Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex (punchline): Yes, anyway, apropos of nothing, I'd just like to say that being a skeptic who relies on repeated and external verification has helped me a lot in life. Scientific method, baby! Woooo! Utahraptor: Hooray for science! Narrator: THE END Narrator: PS: THE LESSON IS SCIENCE IS COOL, NOT THAT YOU CAN USE SCIENCE TO BE A MORE EFFECTIVE MURDERER Narrator: ALTHOUGH THAT LAST POINT DOES SEEM, LIKE, PRETTY OBVIOUS

he played 'data' on star trek. it's an exciting prospect, having your own brent spiner.

T-Rex: Literally hours of work have paid off, and I have come up with my greatest invention yet... a DUPLICATOR RAY! T-Rex: (Duplicator rays let you make perfect copies of anything!) Dromiceiomimus: Really? So if I have, say, a papier-mâché piñata dog filled with tasty candies, your duplicator ray will make a PERFECT duplicate? T-Rex: Yep! The duplicate is identical in every regard. The ray examines the object at the quantum AND subquantum levels and thanks to the twin fists of Actual Science and Heisenberg Compensators, makes a perfect copy, indistinguishable from the original! Utahraptor: I call baloney, T-Rex! T-Rex: Aha! On account of how it violates conservation of energy laws? Utahraptor: Nope, on account of how it's truly impossible to have a perfect copy of anything! Philosophically: if I paint a picture and you duplicate it, I'll grant that they can be identical in every way BUT ONE: mine is the original. That's a property that doesn't have a physical realization, so you can't ever duplicate it! T-Rex: Okay YEAH it's not original, but it's an OTHERWISE PERFECT DUPLICATE. I can destroy economies based on scarcity and generate clean drinking water for everyone! I can even DUPLICATE DUDES! I can't believe you're not more excited. T-Rex (punchline): I CAN DUPLICATE BRENT SPINER

this new sweater you gave me fits a little tight / but i'm probably still gonna wear it with all my might

T-Rex: There was a man freestyle rapping outside my window last night. Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: My name's not important and I'm here to say / That I've been outside rapping for most of today! T-Rex: It was pretty okay! His rhymes were moderately tight, too! Dromiceiomimus: When was this? T-Rex: About 4am! I woke up to it, which was surreal. It ended when I guess someone dissed him from across the street or behind some bushes or something? He yelled "Who said that?!" and ran off down the street. Utahraptor: Was the rap directed at you, T-Rex? Were you being "rap serenaded"? T-Rex: No, man! T-Rex: It was like he was walking down the street rapping to himself, and just happened to stop outside my place when his flow got going. I can respect that! I kinda want to be that guy, you know? Utahraptor: What was he rapping about? T-Rex: All sorts of topics, really! Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: My freestyle rap is a bunch of crap; I got low self esteem and that's about that T-Rex: [thinks] Awww! Off panel: Wait, my esteem just got a lot better / When my grandmom bought me that nice new sweater! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Grandmoms are great for that!

nowipe's middle name is "antibidet"; in life he has had some challenges

T-Rex: The most famous racehorse of all time is Secretariat! And that's kind of a rip-off, everyone. Race horses have ridiculous names! T-Rex: THAT'S THEIR ENTIRE DEAL. T-Rex: Secretariat could've been called "Captain Hoofface" or "Ol' Bladder Splatter", but instead we get the eminently classy "Secretariat". Equestrians could marvel at the amazing finesse of the great "Hoofs Ahoy! All Aboard The Hoofs" but no: SECRETARIAT. T-Rex: What the hell, this timeline? Utahraptor: Well, a rose by any other name - T-Rex: DON'T EVEN, dude!! T-Rex: Unless you're willing to go through life named as "Nowipe Poopbottoms" I don't want to hear about how names don't matter. Honestly, all I want to (EVENTUALLY) hear is how the greatest mind of a century was born today and carried the name "Babybutt Babybutt Myfaceisababybutt" into adulthood. Narrator: LATER, T-REX VISITS FRIENDS: Off panel: Hey, any ideas for what we should name our new baby? T-Rex (punchline): Oh man! ABSOLUTELY! Off panel: Wait!! Off panel: Somehow I thought this wouldn't be a bad idea, but I can no longer - remember how I reached that conclusion?

"It beHOOVES us to get married soon," said Antonio Tony. "Oh, Tonio," said Samantha, sighing. "I don't like horse puns THAT much."

T-Rex: I've been writing a romance novel! T-Rex: Or more precisely, I've been sucking SURPRISINGLY HARD at writing a romance novel! T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! All my life I was certain that explosions could spice up ANY narrative, but I've been blowing my main characters up ALL THE TIME and they're still not that interesting! Check this out: "Antonio Tony and Samantha were explosive-expert friends who decided one day to try kissing each other. It wasn't that bad! Later on, one of them decided that it was actually pretty bad." T-Rex: THE END? Utahraptor: I think your problem is you're focusing on plot! T-Rex: How do you figure? Utahraptor: Romance is about two CHARACTERS meeting and falling in love, but all you've got is narrative. We don't really know anything about your protagonists, so we don't care what happens to them. Flesh them out! T-Rex: Oh kay! Text: Samantha was a cowgirl, always on the lookout for a SPUR-of-the-moment marriage. Antonio Tony was a horse enthusiast. "I hope to be SADDLED with a wife soon!" he thought to himself. They waved wildly at each other across the open plains. T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, come quick! My story's amazing!!

whoah t-rex flips out a little there in the second panel! i hope everything's alright!

Off panel: What's the matter, T-Rex? You look down! T-Rex: I'm just fine! Off panel: You look a little down! T-Rex: I said, "I'm fine!" Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: ... and so the REASON I 'look a little down' is that suddenly everybody's talking about me and acting so concerned for my feelings! It's unnerving and it makes me mad! Dromiceiomimus: Mad enough to stomp on a house? T-Rex: I do that anyway; you know that! Utahraptor: Hey, I heard you were pissed off! T-Rex: You heard right, my friend! Utahraptor: Do you want to talk about it? T-Rex: Talking about it is what's made me angry! T-Rex (punchline): So, no!

utahraptor can we drop everything and work on improving me as a person for a sec real quick

T-Rex: Books I would not like my name attached to include "Dealings with Feelings", "Racist Grandpas: Not Hardly As Racist as ME" and "Check It Out: Controversial Opinions on Paedophilia". T-Rex: Also "Now Whose Written A Grammar Text?" Dromiceiomimus: Books I would not like MY name attached to include "Nudes Misconstrueds", "Unspeakable Engineering Disasters I Did", and "All My Secrets: A Confession With Many Secrets". T-Rex: Those are good choices! I'ma add "Good Grief! Even More Controversial Opinions on Paedophilia" to my list. Utahraptor: "I'ma"? You've never said that before. T-Rex: Short for "I'm gonna", itself short for "I'm going to"! Utahraptor: Huh! You should put "Contractions I Saw On TV That I'ma Gonna Use" on your list. T-Rex: See, no. "I'ma gonna" just makes you sound like Luigi. Also I saw it on the INTERNET, so if I knew how to snap right now I'd say "Oh" and then snap so the resulting message is "Oh snap!!" T-Rex: [thinks] Holy crap! That would be SO AWESOME!! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor can you teach me to snap real quick

alternate ending: utahraptor says 'So - you want to be able to love ads, but also don't want marketers to benefit from this love?' and t-rex replies 'Yes! Is there no way to satiate my perfectly compatible desires?' and then there's no real solution THE END

T-Rex: I saw a totally sweet ad yesterday! I wanted to show it to my friends, BUT THEN, I realized that's exactly what the marketers wanted me to do! Who here doesn't want to be a tool of viral marketers? T-Rex: The answer: me! T-Rex: When I was a kid it was okay, because I didn't have any cultural context and didn't understand that maybe companies WANTED me to spread the word about their ads. But now that I'm a grown-up target market dude, I know that companies sometimes design ads with the express intent that I'll get excited and tell my friends! And it turns out I don't really like being manipulated for profit by strangers? Utahraptor: So what's the solution? T-Rex: I don't know dude! T-Rex: I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either! Utahraptor: Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible! Off panel: Guys! I'm right here! T-Rex (punchline): I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard. Off panel: I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!

I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS SINCE I WAS SIX

T-Rex: Are you going to have a baby? Is parenthood in your future? Well I guess there's no better time than now to share with you my Narrator: GOOD NAMES FOR BABIES T-Rex: "Air" is a good one, because then your kid can be a superspy on an underwater mission and say "Hey. Guess what? You need Air to breathe." and then explode the scuba gear of a bad guy. Dromiceiomimus: That's the ONE time that name would be handy. T-Rex: SO WORTH IT though!! Utahraptor: Another good name is "Utahraptor"! T-Rex: Hah! Utahraptor: What? My name is way awesome. It has "RAPTOR" in it; how is that not awesome? T-Rex: Dude, "Utahraptor" sounds like "you dah raptor", like you're alone in the bathroom saying "you dah man" in the mirror each morning. Weak!! Utahraptor: Your name sounds like tea is being ruined. T-Rex: NUH-UH!! T-Rex (punchline): YOU'RE MISSING A SUBJECT OF THE VERB

patrick stewart is checking his watch and sighing dramatically

T-Rex: Wait, I know some truths that are absolute: mathematical truths! How could I have been so blind? T-Rex: It is a FACT that one plus one equals two! T-Rex: All I need is a way to convert mathematical truths to the real world and I WILL NEVER BE WRONG AGAIN! Dromiceiomimus: Um - I'm sorry to break it to you, T-Rex, but mathematical truths aren't absolute either. Math is built on a priori assumptions: you start with a few things that you assume are true and build on them! Stuff like "1+2 is the same as 2+1". Then you build up a mathematical system around that, but that doesn't mean math is true. It's just - consistent! T-Rex: But... 1+2 IS the same as 2+1! Utahraptor: Or so you think, T-Rex! T-Rex: Damn my potentially-flawed senses! Utahraptor: When our mathematical assumptions APPEAR to match up with reality, the results may also seem to apply - but math isn't any more "true" because of that! It's still based on unproven/unprovable assumptions. And you can actually build up systems where you decide that 1+2 does not equal 2+1, and they're just as consistent! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention, everyone I've ever met and ever will meet! Never mention the "flawed senses" idea again, okay? It prevents me from knowing absolute truth. Multiple off-panel voices: SURE THING, T-REX! T-Rex (punchline): Patrick Stewart! What are YOU doing here? Off panel: um, being BORED

"how do u pick up babes??": It will probably come to you instinctively, but be certain to support their head when cradling them because their neck muscles aren't quite there yet

Narrator: HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS T-Rex: Come on, people. COME ON. How is this a problem? T-Rex: They are baby chickens, trusting and soft. It's not a challenge! Narrator: OKAY: HOW TO MEET WOMEN T-Rex: Meeting a woman is about getting to know her, and what better way to "meet" a woman than to know her very thoughts?? Yes, the easiest way to truly meet women is to pick up a book and learn all about her, including what her motivations and plot points are. What are you waiting for? Millions of single women are waiting to meet you tonight!! Narrator: HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN T-Rex: You'll love to "pick up" women when you're picking up a book with female characters inside! Utahraptor: And how! Narrator: LISTEN I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO START A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ACTUAL WOMAN T-Rex: Easy! Just patronize businesses. For example, I myself have a nodding relationship with a cashier at the grocery store, and many bus drivers are women. Utahraptor: A driver patron relationship is a very practical one. Narrator: PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH AN ALIVE PHYSICAL WOMAN T-Rex: The fact you call her "an alive physical woman" says you have tons of unresolved issues; I suggest you work those out first. T-Rex: Alright! T-Rex (punchline): Question period is over!!

"peer to peer pressure," i say, putting my baseball cap on backwards so you know that even though i'm your assigned counselor i'm still way bodacious

T-Rex: Peer pressure is so 80s! PEER TO PEER pressure is what we talk about here in future land!! T-Rex: Eh? Because of Bittorrent? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, if you laughed at my jokes more I might feel better about things in general. Dromiceiomimus: Huh! Narrator: THE END T-Rex: Knock knock! Utahraptor: Who's there? T-Rex: "I eat mop". Utahraptor: I eat mop who? T-Rex: YOU EAT YOUR POO? HAH HAH, WOW. WOW, MAN. WHAT'S EVEN GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD?? T-Rex: YOU ARE ONE GRODY DUDE, UTAHRAPTOR! Off panel: Thanks, T-Rex. That was a funny joke you shared. T-Rex (punchline): I HONESTLY THINK YOU SHOULD STOP CONSUMING YOUR OWN FAECAL OUTPUT Narrator: THE END

JUST TRYING TO GET INVOLVED IN THE CONVERSATION

T-Rex: Someone at my house finished off a bag of milk, and then put it back in the fridge without replacing it with a new bag! T-Rex: That's so annoying! T-Rex: Also, it's very confusing since I live alone! T-Rex: What do you think, Dromiceiomimus? Am I going crazy? Am I finishing off the milk and then COMPLETELY FORGETTING ABOUT IT? Dromiceiomimus: It seems unlikely! T-Rex: What else could it be? Is someone breaking into my house just to drink my milk? I don't really mind, I guess - I'd just like to know. Utahraptor: How come these things always happen to you? T-Rex: It's not my fault! Utahraptor: Well, I'm just pointing out that across all these wacky situations, you're the one element of continuity. T-Rex: Why would I screw myself over by not putting a new bag of milk back? That's crazy! God: I USUALLY DON'T PUT A NEW BAG BACK EITHER T-Rex (punchline): Was it you?! God: NO JUST- God: VOLUNTEERING INFORMATION

t-rex's list of languages goes english, english, english, love, english, violence, english, english, scotlandese

T-Rex: Attention, folks with low self-esteem! T-Rex: Pretty sure you've got no-one to blame for that but yourself!! T-Rex: And by that I mean, of course, only that it's really easy to feel good about yourself. For instance, I've recently picked up a hobby, and it's been super great! I signed up for an English as a Second Language course. Dromiceiomimus: English is already your first language, T-Rex. T-Rex: Guess what, Dromiceiomimus? Now it's my second language too!! T-Rex: The courses are SO EASY, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Yeah, I'd imagine! T-Rex: Seriously, I'm top of the class! By like, a really large margin. Utahraptor: But can't you see someone with low-self esteem feeling even worse, once they realize they've spent all this money on a class they don't need just to feel better than others who haven't had the same advantages? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! Is it terrible to say "It occurs to me that if I had different friends, I wouldn't be wrong all the time"? T-Rex (punchline): Because it totally occurs to me that if I had different friends, I wouldn't be wrong all the time!!

i thought that was just a cool new nickname that my friends were using for me, as in "Let's play, Checkers!"

→ I wrote a book about Back to the Future! ←

T-Rex: You and your eleven closest friends go camping. You wake up to discover the floor is lava! But there's rocks too, and they alternate back and forth in a checkerboard pattern! Narrator: CHECKERS AS SHE IS PLAYED T-Rex: And it turns out there's another team of campers just two hops away. You're trapped together, so you start moving towards each other. Maybe you can help each other escape! T-Rex: But then every time - EVERY TIME - when you reach each other, someone decides "screw working together!" and instead STRAIGHT UP MURDERS A DUDE. Utahraptor: They jump over you and kick you into the lava from mid-air! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Eventually a camper makes it to the opposite side, at which point they get twice as fat and can now hop backwards. I don't know why. This continues until all campers from one side have been eliminated. Utahraptor: Yes, it certainly is a crazy game! T-Rex (punchline): "GAME"?? [T-Rex is surrounded by multiple question marks]

sometimes we get tired of playing two-player games against an unoccupied second controller is the thing

T-Rex: The royal "we" is used by monarchs, popes, and also by dinosaurs named T-Rex. THAT IS ME, BY THE WAY. T-Rex: Or should I say... that is US?? T-Rex: We think this is great, Dromiceiomimus! All our opinions sound much more important, now that they come from a grammatical PLURALITY. It's just classier to say "WE ate too much and had to go to bed early" than "I"! We did, by the way, Dromiceiomimus. We made some mistakes at dinnertime. Dromiceiomimus: We understand, T-Rex. T-Rex: Oh man, you're doing the "we" thing too? We mean, um, you babes are doing the "we" thing too? Utahraptor: I think it just extends to pronouns: one of the several reasons you shouldn't call Dromiceiomimus "you babes"! T-Rex: You guys think so? Utahraptor: Yeah, and ALSO, we guys are worried you're going to end up sounding patronizing, like you're talking to a dog. "Aren't we just the cutest little puppy? Yes we are! Yes we are!" T-Rex: We assure you we are not the cutest little puppy. We are the awesomest giant T-Rex; yes we are. Yes: we are. Narrator: LATER: EVERYONE GETS TIRED OF T-REX'S "WE" AND DECIDES TO HANG OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE T-Rex: A question for us! Do we miss having friends? T-Rex (punchline): SOMETIMES we does, yes

one ending had utahraptor saying "You know, there are parts of the world where folks don't have the free time and societal support to be able to sit around and wonder what other time period they'd rather be in." but man, what do you say to that? turns out you don't say anything, you just change the universe so that it was NEVER SAID.

T-Rex: Let's say you can live in any time period in history. Which period do you choose? T-Rex: I choose the future! T-Rex: Or at least, I did choose the future until I realized that things might not ACTUALLY be better down the road. If I lived 300 years from now, I could be living in a post apocalyptic time where most life has been obliterated by a catastrophic asteroid impact - an impact so large that enough dirt has been thrown into the sky to BLOCK OUT THE SUN, disrupting the entire food chain and causing mass extin- T-Rex: Anyway, that's a possibility or whatever!! Utahraptor: So the past is the only safe choice. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: But then I thought, well, there's a lot we don't know about the past either. And I wouldn't want to choose a time where it turns out nobody could make poop jokes or they'd go to jail and also nobody thought to write any of this down, so the whole deal is lost to history! Off panel: So - that leaves the present? T-Rex: No, that leaves us with changing the question so we can live in any time period, real OR imagined. I choose the time when everyone's awesome knights! T-Rex: ...IN SPACE. T-Rex (punchline): ...ENCLOSED IN STARSHIPS SO WE DON'T DIE.

my raps are okay but they could be pretty good / because i know practicing them is what I should / ...do

T-Rex: My name is T-Rex and I'm here to say / I'm really having a pleasant time today! My flow isn't stale like day-old bread / T-Rex: The freshest words keep falling out of my head! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, are you here to rap too? / Because if that's the case, then I say: "coo'"! Dromiceiomimus: You're my friend T-Rex but your raps aren't great / You rap like a baby in its natural state / I battle you, I up the infant mortality rate! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: OHHHH SNAP T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: Man, I totally just lost an imaginary rap battle! Utahraptor: But you won too! Utahraptor: Because in your head you're really both parties, right? T-Rex: Nuh-uh! If I take credit for 100% of what my brain comes up with, then I'm personally responsible for every stray, passing thought that bubbles up throughout the day! No THANKS. T-Rex: [thinks] What would happen if I just kissed him right now T-Rex (punchline): Oh my god subconscious I'M BUSY

anyway, yeah, false documents! you can read more about them in "The Oxford Heritage Collection of Literary Motifs, Techniques and Devices"; the edition i have was printed in 1980. i totally lifted the first sentence of this comic verbatim from vol ii!

T-Rex: A false document is when you refer to or quote books and stuff that don't exist in real life, but your whole story pretends like they actually do. Like when Shakespeare reads the dictionary! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: FALSE DOCUMENTS Dromiceiomimus: That's not a false document, T-Rex! Shakespeare was a real guy, and dictionaries actually exist. It's more like if, I don't know, the Necronomicon was read by a Shakespeare CHARACTER. T-Rex: Hah! Shakespeare's already QUITE the character, believe you me!! T-Rex: ...He's sullen to me sometimes Utahraptor: Except Shakespeare did most of his writing before dictionaries! T-Rex: Oh man, really? Utahraptor: Yep! The earliest English dictionaries we've got showed up AFTER he started writing plays: it's one of the reasons he's had such an effect on the language. He was around while the written form was crystallizing! T-Rex: So I WAS TOTALLY partially right! That's EXCELLENT. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex (punchline): Shakespeare, if you spell "assume" differently, you'll stop future generations from making that stupid "ass out of u and me" joke! Off panel: T-REX Off panel: LISTEN Off panel: i have like no context to understand any of this

oh disappointment video, why must you always live up to your difficult-to-market name

T-Rex: The immigrant experience: T-Rex: ...what's the deal? T-Rex: Well, if you ask ME, I'd say it's the experience of "immigrating", if you will, to a new country. Coupled, of course, with the emigrant experience of leaving your old country behind! Dromiceiomimus: That's all you've got? T-Rex: I'm in over my head, Dromiceiomimus! I've totally barely ever immigrated! Utahraptor: I've never been to the bottom of the ocean, but I still know there's freaky-ass transparent fish there! T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: I'll go learn about immigration, okay? And then I'll return here in exactly 24 hours and dazzle you with the nuances of my new, hyperinformed opinion synthesized from my own reactions to the many viewpoints I've encountered, alright?? Utahraptor: Okay, sure! Narrator: 23 HOURS LATER, AT THE VIDEO STORE: T-Rex: Excuse me, do you guys have any movies about "the immigrant experience?" It's an emergency! Off panel: Yes! T-Rex: ...Starring Robocop? Off panel: No. T-Rex (punchline): Maaaaaaaaaan

don't worry everyone! that rule's just for t-rex. YOU could have a different name by end of business today!

T-Rex: Okay, so maybe "hugga bubba" ISN'T the best adjective. T-Rex: Maybe it is though!! T-Rex: But just in case it isn't, I've invented a new way for it to be used! JUST LIKE THAT, BABY. Now "hugga bubba" is ALSO the new "um", the new "ah", and the new "er". Instead of saying "Um, I have no idea", we can say "Hugga bubba, I have no idea!" Dromiceiomimus: "I think I had about, hugga bubba, five drinks last night"? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Oh man, I can't wait to hear how awesome EVERY CONVERSATION EVER will be now! Utahraptor: One problem! Utahraptor: How are you going to convince people to use it? T-Rex: Man, it SELLS ITSELF! I, hugga bubba, don't understand why you're fighting this. Utahraptor: It just sounds like you're saying your name is "Hugga Bubba". T-Rex: OH MY GOSH that's the best name EVER. Well, looks my afternoon just got filled up! T-Rex (punchline): Assuming they've removed the 5-day waiting period on me changing my name, that is!!

i keep DOING that

T-Rex: I need to get the best present EVER for Utahraptor this year. And that present is clearly, a - um... a... Narrator: HERE IS WHERE IT ALL GOES WRONG: T-Rex: A spouse!! T-Rex: It's the best gift! If things go well then years later people will say "How did you two meet?" and he can say "T-Rex hooked us up for Christmas! BEST GIFT EVER!!" and then they can high five! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but when it goes poorly, your gift is nothing but an INCREDIBLY AWKWARD BOXING DAY. T-Rex: I'm doing it!! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So I got the link you emailed me, T-Rex! T-Rex: Yes! Go on...! Utahraptor: It's a dating profile for me, using a picture taken through my kitchen window. My hair colour is given as "bald but kool", my age as "about my age, I'd say", and my interests as "spouses" and "ASCII art thumbs up" and then the rest of my profile is this enormous ASCII art thumbs up. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Upon closer inspection that was actually more a gift for me than Utahraptor

it turns out i can't even see straight with these heart-shaped pupils

T-Rex: Man, Dromiceiomimus has been looking fantastic lately! I would DEFINITELY rate her current attractiveness as AT LEAST a nine point five on ten!! T-Rex: I - [no text] Utahraptor: Hah! That's what you get for thinking out loud, my friend! T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: I should've went with it when I saw her; stopping in mid-sentence just admits guilt. I should've said, "That's right, Dromiceiomimus! YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING GREAT LATELY." Utahraptor: Except you didn't rate her a perfect ten. T-Rex: Only because I always reserve point five for emergencies!! Narrator: A HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you're a perfect 9.5 on 10! Off panel: But what if I... dressed up like a flapper and said "Here's the news?" T-Rex (punchline): That's a perfect ten and luckily I reserved some extra points for this scenario, listen, I gotta go lie down

my friend Dr. Priya says that "the amount of awareness required to perform the tap (and know what you're looking for) would likely mobilize the inhibition pathways sufficiently to prevent a successful result", so you actually need a friend to tap your face. THIS FINAL TITLE TEXT SENTENCE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK / ON ACCOUNT OF HOW YOU ARE CURRENTLY ASKING THE PERSON BESIDE YOU TO TAP YOUR FACE

T-Rex: What day is it? Friday? It must be Friday because it's time for more... Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION T-Rex: So what you do is tap someone on the head, between the eyes and above the nose! They'll reflexively blink each time you tap them until they get wise to your game, at which point they'll suppress the reflex and the blinking will stop. But until then, THEIR EYELIDS ARE AT YOUR MERCY. YOU CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE'S EYELIDS WITH YOUR MEREST WHIM. Dromiceiomimus: Neat, I guess! T-Rex: Pretty neat I guess, yeah! Utahraptor: So your secret is tap someone on the head and they'll blink? You must be fun at parties. T-Rex: That's only part of it! T-Rex: The other part is if they CONTINUE to blink after the first few taps, then that's one of the early symptoms of Parkinson's disease. Utahraptor: Holy crap! T-Rex (punchline): But it's not NECESSARILY Parkinson's. It could also be dementia! Or any number of progressive neurological illnesses, really. Narrator: THIS PANEL INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK Narrator: ON ACCOUNT OF HOW YOU ARE CURRENTLY TAPPING YOUR FACE

the premise of the new batman books? um, hello? it's that alfred and spider-man don't get along and we watch the sparks fly??

T-Rex: The problem with Superman, and Spider-Man, AND Batman, and pretty much every other superhero, is that their stories don't have ends. They're all stuck in the same productive age range, 20-30 years old, and it's easy to see why! T-Rex: Companies don't want their most popular characters dying of old age! T-Rex: But the result is that their stories don't have ENDS. We don't know how Batman deals with a failing body and the rigours of old age, how Spider-Man reacts when Mary Jane loses her looks. I mean, we DO, because sometimes out-of-continuity stories explore this, but they're never for real - they don't count! Bats is always 30 again in the next story. It's like David fights Goliath, but they keep fighting every few issues for 50 years, and you never see how it ends. Utahraptor: You know, there are a lot of interesting parallels here with soap operas! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Soaps have long-running narratives, but characters die all the time. The difference is soaps focus on PREMISE rather than individuals, so they're not killing a cash cow when someone dies. They just bring in someone new! T-Rex: So Batman dies, and the book focuses on his butler Alfred working for Spider-Man instead! [T-Rex imagines a dialog] Imaginary Alfred: Sir, I am old and conservative. You can't expect me to "loosen up" overnight. Imaginary Spider-Man: Alfred, I'm young and liberal! I don't like your "rules"!! Imaginary T-Rex: Gentlemen, gentlemen!! Please! T-Rex (punchline): YES.

did you see the zinger dromiceiomimus got in on guys there? oh, man, will the two sexes EVER find a common ground?

T-Rex: You know what would answer the very important question of "who is the manliest?" T-Rex: None other than a manliness contest! Heck yes! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm so manly that I crack open walnuts for old ladies with my pectoral muscles! Dromiceiomimus: Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls! T-Rex: We both understand we're using manliness as an archetype, and that your claims to manliness do not reflect upon your ideas of femininity, or of normative gender. In any case! T-Rex: I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands! Utahraptor: Oh yeah? Utahraptor: Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side! T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. T-Rex: Pretty manly! T-Rex (punchline): AND pretty consequential!

incorporate cannibalism ONLY WHEN FEASIBLE, everybody

T-Rex: Zombies! Everyone loves zombies. They are a window onto the Other! They let us face our fears of society in a way that is accessible and compelling, as well as accessibly and compellingly cannibalistic! God: HEY T-REX CAN YOU SUMMARIZE THAT IN ONE SENTENCE FOR ME T-Rex: T-Rex loves zombies! T-Rex: I think what I love best about them is when they're used to represent mindless behaviour in our own society. For example, if instead of me, we saw a ZOMBIE DINOSAUR stomping on this house, then wow! Suddenly stomping on things is highlighted as maybe something we should think about more! Are we really acting that thoughtless when we stomp on things? Thanks for the eye opener, dinosaur zombies! Utahraptor: I bet you like all your social commentary to incorporate endless hunger for the flesh of the living! T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: When feasible, anyway. I ALSO really like it when zombies catch someone and tear them apart, and the person is all "O no, zombies! My day is ruined!" Utahraptor: PERSONALLY, I really like how when you wanted something zombies could show as "bad", you chose stomping on things. T-Rex: Man, that's just because it was a convenient example! I am still ENTIRELY IN FAVOUR of stomping on things. T-Rex (punchline): In other news, will the illustrative power of zombies forever be fumbled in my mighty hands?

friends, i say to you: the everest eliminator is no 'cold-blooded murderer', he is merely the misunderstood gentle giant of our upper earth, the donkey kong, with pauline, to our moustachioed italian plumbers.

Narrator: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE GOING TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST: T-Rex: Sure are! How hard could it be? It's just like climbing stairs, only longer! T-Rex: And if I stay too long at the top of the stairs, I'll die! Dromiceiomimus: Are you guys serious about this? I know that Everest has become touristy lately, but I didn't know that they let just anyone climb it! T-Rex: They sure do. We're going STRAIGHT TO THE TOP, baby! We'll see if the deadly Everest Eliminator exists or not. SOME claim he's a wacky murderer who pushes people off the peak when they're least expecting it! Others say that's stupid. Utahraptor: That's not why we're going! T-Rex: Sure it is! Utahraptor: We're going Because It's There. And also Because We Won Free Tickets, From The Radio. Also because hired sherpas will do most of the work! T-Rex: Well, I'M going because it's there AND to prove that there's no murderer called the Everest Eliminator at the top. Utahraptor: FINE. Narrator: LATER, BACK AT SEA LEVEL: Off panel: The Everest Eliminator is actually a pretty nice guy, huh? T-Rex (punchline): He only tried to push me a li'l!

nowhere to go but up, and i haven't even had breakfast!

T-Rex: So it turns out that there's different kinds of love. T-Rex: I know! Who knew? T-Rex: There's ROMANTIC LOVE, but there's also the love you feel for a family member, an activity, religious love, a sandwich, and so on. And we call all these "love", which maybe is why people are so confused about it! What we need are DIFFERENT words for each of these feelings. Utahraptor: Like other languages! T-Rex: Aw man! Other languages already stole my idea? Utahraptor: Long ago, actually! Ancient Greek had words for passionate love (eros), dispassionate love (philia), the love of family (storge), general affection (agape), and so on. Versions of these survive in modern Greek as well! T-Rex: Aha, but still no sandwich love! Narrator: EVERY DAY EACH OF US SAYS THE DUMBEST THING WE ARE GOING TO SAY THAT DAY. T-Rex (punchline): Hey, maybe the Ancient Greeks all died out and evolved into Current Greeks PRECISELY BECAUSE they didn't have a word for "sandwich love"?? Narrator: T-REX IS GETTING HIS OUT OF THE WAY EARLY.

the next time a stranger in traffic calls me "dickweed" i am going to assume he's a time traveller who is just having a rough time of things

T-Rex: The strangers I pass on the street could actually be tourists from the future, trained to fit in perfectly! There's no way for me to know! T-Rex: Because if you're doing time tourism, you're going to do it right! T-Rex: Every trip would start with identities being inserted into official records: a twenty-year-old travelling to 1950 means going back to 1930 to insert birth records, and trips after that to establish education, work history, etc. It's tons of prep for one trip! Dromiceiomimus: What about the time travellers breaking character? T-Rex: Hah! PLEASE. They've been trained since birth! T-Rex: Every candidate time traveller consents to their personal history being modified! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Of course! Childhood is replaced with training for your time trip, and only those that pass get to go! The failed candidates get their original timeline restored, no harm no foul. And if you DO mess up in the past, overseers roll back your entire trip! Utahraptor: I see. So time travel is foolproof? T-Rex: Yep! The only reason we've never caught tourists from the future is that any we could catch never become time travellers in the first place! T-Rex: THAT SAID: T-Rex (punchline): I suspect my mailman may have knowledge beyond his years if you know what I'm saying

this comic is based on a time when i accidentally almost walked over a tiny woman at the airport. she was like three feet tall! it was truly impossible to see her

T-Rex: I, like most men, have stepped on a few tiny women in my day. T-Rex: This I claim! T-Rex: However, I don't claim to be misogynist! It is a problem that the very tall face when confronted with the very tiny. Sometimes you step on them by accident! Dromiceiomimus: But you step on them on purpose! You're stepping on that house on purpose! There's no accident. T-Rex: I AM MERELY SHADING IT FROM THE SUN, and then my foot gets heavy and tired. Utahraptor: Okay, but now you're stepping on one! T-Rex: Yes! I am! T-Rex: But it's not misogyny. I'm not stepping on her BECAUSE she's a woman. Her sex and gender are incidental to the whole event! That's all I'm trying to say. Utahraptor: I don't get why you're trying to say that though. Have you been called misogynist lately? Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: [tiny] t-rex! stop stepping on us! we think you are misogynist T-Rex (punchline): Daaamn, tiny women! That's crazy! Come closer for a sec? Off panel: [tiny] NO DICE

QUESTION: why are there no dinosaurs frozen in giant ice cubes at the south pole? ANSWER: maybe there are!! REAL ANSWER: okay the real answer doesn't actually end with "maybe there are!!" so let's just end this here!

T-Rex: If I can't be a bog person, I can be the next best thing! God: ALIVE T-Rex: Better! T-Rex: A person frozen solid at the north pole! T-Rex: Or the south pole, I'm not picky. But I want to be perfectly preserved in some cavern somewhere, so that when future generations stumble upon me, they'll say "Oh, gross. There's a dead guy in here." T-Rex: "...It looks like he died being awesome though!" Utahraptor: So you're in some sort of awesome pose. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Maybe I'll be wearing a Superman outfit, and in my pocket will be a note that says "I actually WAS Superman, comics were documentaries about me, make sure to tell everyone okay??" Utahraptor: "I was vulnerable to the south pole though." T-Rex: "Yeah, I just found that out." Narrator: CONCLUSION: T-Rex: People who pay for cryonic freezing are super chumps! All you need to do is go to Antarctica, guys. T-Rex (punchline): You can die there for FREE.

utahraptor! i've just received notice that the united nations passed resolution 74205, which states that you're dipped in burnsauce and served with my choice of salad or fries as a side!!

Narrator: SLANG FOR TEENS T-Rex: Teens! Are you interested in slang? T-Rex: Here is some handy slang for you, teens! "Bad" means "good". For example, "that rock concert was BAD!" Further, "bogus" means "bad", but these aren't transitive. Something that's bogus isn't good. "Bodacious" means "good", but these aren't symmetric either. A salad might be bodacious if it's exceptional, though. T-Rex: I've never had one like that. Utahraptor: Is there any reason why you're only doing outdated 80s slang? T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Is there any reason why you're being such a DWEEB-O-RAMA? T-Rex: OH SNAP! Who just got burned by his best friend for some mild criticism? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It says here that it's you! It says right here on "BURN CHART 2007" that you're #1! Narrator: A FEW MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): I've got some regrets!

alternate ending: god: YOU KNOW THERE ARE LOTS OF FLAPPERS IN HEAVEN T-REX t-rex: Oh man! I would love to chat them up and then totally smooch them! god: WELL THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS REALLY

T-Rex: Here is a list of things that were once totally cool and remain so: T-Rex: Flappers! T-Rex: And this is where my list derails so that I can talk about flappers. Oh goodness, flappers! These were the 1920s equivalent of hipsters, only they looked like boys and had way better slang. The way they talked was the BERRIES. That means something was great! Dromiceiomimus: I got that, yeah! Utahraptor: Could it be you have a CRUSH on flappers, my friend? T-Rex: It could well be, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: And it doesn't concern you that you have a crush on an extinct social group just because of their sweet slang? T-Rex: Nope! It gives me hope, because one day I could meet someone who actually talked like a flapper, and then we could get married! Narrator: A FEW YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Man, what was I talking about? It was a terrible idea to marry someone just because of her cool slang! T-Rex (punchline): I really need to think long and hard about my life decisions.

i got the idea from what i think whenever i have to get dressed!

T-Rex: The clothing you wear influences how others perceive you. If it doesn't declare who you are, it at least declares who you want to be perceived as! T-Rex: I - T-Rex: I think I finally understand fashion! Dromiceiomimus: These, um, aren't very deep insights, T-Rex. T-Rex: Man, they are for me! I thought fashion was ridiculous because when things go out of style you're left with, I don't know, a cute little skirt you can't wear anymore. That happens, right? And it seemed wasteful and irrational, but now I get it: you no longer like the reaction OTHERS have to the skirt, and thus, it no longer represents YOU. T-Rex: And I can totally use this knowledge to design my OWN clothes. Utahraptor: Clothes that speak of identity? T-Rex: Exactly! Pants that say "I am a successful person!" Shirts that say "IN A FEW YEARS I'LL HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN WHAT I DID TODAY". Cufflinks that say "Life is a precious gift (WHAT the HELL am i DOING)". Utahraptor: These seem to be getting more and more depressing. T-Rex: I don't know what's wrong!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Utahraptor, I managed to pull it out with the best shirt design EVER. It appeals to everyone who has ever worn clothes! Off panel: What's it say? T-Rex (punchline): "THERE / now I'm not naked anymore"??

the devil's lines start with a prolonged 'mmmmmm', like 'um', but without the 'u'

Devil: HEY Devil: T-REX T-Rex: ?! Devil: IT'S THE DEVIL T-Rex: Leave me alone you crazy bastard! Devil: HEY Devil: HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED THE VIDEO GAME "COMMAND AND CONQUER: RED ALERT" T-Rex: No!! Devil: THE MAMMOTH TANKS ARE ONE OF THE MORE POWERFUL UNITS IN THE GAME Devil: THEY PRESENT A FORMIDABLE FORCE TO ANY OPPONENT T-Rex: Argh!! So inane! Utahraptor: Who's inane? T-Rex: The Devil! T-Rex: All he wants to do is talk about these stupid games I've never played! He KNOWS I've never played them, and yet - the chatter CONTINUES! Utahraptor: At least he's not tricking you for your soul! T-Rex: I'd PREFER that! Devil: THE TESLA COILS ARE A WISE DEFENSIVE STRATEGY T-Rex (punchline): Never played it!! Devil: FEW CAN SURVIVE THEIR ELECTRICAL ONSLAUGHT

FRIENDS: MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TOO MUCH WORK

T-Rex: It's time for another one of my TRULY EXCELLENT PARTIES. And you're invited, Utahraptor! Don't worry, I'll say it for you: "I'm totally coming, T-Rex! This sounds awesome!" T-Rex: "You're so amazing sometimes! ALL THE TIMES, actually!" Dromiceiomimus: Um - thanks for the invitation, dude. But you totally just called me "Utahraptor." T-Rex: What? T-Rex: I DIDN'T. Dromiceiomimus: Totally did! You said "And you're invited, Utahraptor!" T-Rex: There's no way! Utahraptor: Hah! Confusing your best male friend with your best female friend and FORMER LOVER?? T-Rex: I'M NOT. T-Rex: Look, MAYBE I said the wrong name. You're both my friends: is it SO WRONG that I'd mix up your names? Utahraptor: Dromiceiomimus thinks so. She's the tan one over there. You called her my name, then denied that was possible and ran over here. Utahraptor: That's - That's pretty much where we are right now. Off panel: Now you're perfectly still, perhaps thinking I can't see things unless they're moving, T-Rex? That's your name: T-Rex. We all took time to learn it, because we like you. T-Rex: [thinks] Note to self! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Friends: TOO MUCH WORK??

the language we use affects the thoughts we think! or, in french: the female language we use affects the female thoughts we think!

God: T-REX IT'S TIME TO SET YOU STRAIGHT ABOUT HOW GENDERED NOUNS ARE GOOD T-Rex: I think it's not! I think it's time for us to eat ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT CHICKEN WINGS. God: YOU KNOW WHAT God: OKAY Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I cleaned the chicken sauce off my face really well! T-Rex: And while doing so I totally looked into gendered nouns! IT TURNS OUT, if you ask people who know both English and German to list the first three adjectives that come to mind when they read the English word "bridge", they'll say things like "beautiful", "slender" and "fragile", and when you ask English/Spanish speakers, they'll come up with words like "big", "strong", and "dangerous". And GUESS WHAT? Utahraptor: Bridges are women in German and men in Spanish! T-Rex: Exactly!! Isn't that insane?? T-Rex: The imaginary genders we assign to words colour our perception of them, apparently overloading them with all SORTS of sublimated sexual stereotypes! "Dangerous"? "Fragile"? Are all German women ready at any moment to shatter into a gorgeous explosion of beauty? Are Spanish men all action heroes with nothing left to lose?? T-Rex (punchline): And if so, where do I meet them, because it sounds like they might be fun to pal around with?

t-rex got a really good answer in panel five because I'M really good at plagiarizing Dan Savage, who I believe MAY be objectively awesome

T-Rex: One job I'd love to have AND that I just realized you can get by simply declaring yourself open for business is sex advice columnist. And guess what? T-Rex: I'm now a sex advice columnist, baby! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you have any sex-related questions that you'd like me to answer in my column, "Oh My God, How Could You Not Figure This Out On Your Own?" Dromiceiomimus: Not if it's called that! T-Rex: What if I called it "Cloacademia! (The Cloaca Being Our Single Opening Where The Waste Goes Out And The Sex Goes In)"? T-Rex: "Cloacappella"? Utahraptor: T-Rex, how do you let a partner know that they're bad at sex and second, how do I know that I'M not bad at it? T-Rex: Oh boy!! T-Rex: Gentle "me-statement" hints ("I like it when you do this") can help someone figure out what works for you! And if you and your consenting partner(s) are enjoying themselves, then congrats, you're good at sex. Don't overthink it! Utahraptor: That was - actually a really good answer! T-Rex: I know, right? I thought I was gonna answer questions with "Did you know that exes is 'sexy' spelled backwards AND INCORRECTLY?" T-Rex (punchline): No real reason; I've just been looking for a chance to work that in for a while

"But aging occurs at the cellular level!" "I know, and there are so many cellular-level mistakes! Those li'l guys are BIG screwups!"

T-Rex: Every day, everyone in my story gets a little older! Everybody dies, eventually! T-Rex: Just like real life!! T-Rex: But one scientist is studying aging and makes the stupendous discovery that the ONLY reason we age is that every time we make a mistake, we get older. It's like this law of the universe that encourages the evolution of perfect beings. If we could somehow stop making mistakes, we'd never die! Dromiceiomimus: So she stops making mistakes? T-Rex: She tries to, anyway! Utahraptor: But how does she know what counts as a mistake? T-Rex: She's a scientist! SHE SCIENCES. T-Rex: Through experiments she begins to determine what counts as a mistake, and adjusts her life accordingly. Soon she's behaving strangely, living outside of society: a pariah! But she's so close to not aging at all that she can taste it. (It tastes like candy, FYI!) Utahraptor: And then? T-Rex: And then she succeeds and lives forever and she's so great and smart and pretty and she marries me!! T-Rex: SURPRISE T-Rex (punchline): THIS IS ACTUALLY FAN FICTION ABOUT MYSELF AND YOU LISTENED TO EVERY WORD THIS TIME

shouts out to all the people named "professor time" in the audience, hopefully there is at least one of you, hopefully you are nodding your head and whispering "yes! that is in fact exactly how it went down!"

T-Rex: So Professor Time invents a new machine, which she eponymously calls her "Time machine"! And by amazing coincidence it DOES actually allow her to travel through time! T-Rex: Nicely done, Professor Time! T-Rex: So Professor Time "Time travels" (which, again, is what she calls it every time she moves, but here luckily it DOES apply to moving through time as well) to the future, where after she exits the "Time portal" (what she calls doors after she uses them, but again, it applies in its other sense here too thankfully) she explores mysteries of Time (introspection, but she likes to go on walks while she does this so phew this too works in both senses). Utahraptor: Does she take anything back in time with her? T-Rex: Oh, absolutely! T-Rex: Only when she takes items so they can go "back in Time" she's actually cramming them into her mouth (which is where she believes the items originated), but as she is in fact returning to her original time while she does this, it all works. Utahraptor: Delightful. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Good news, Professor! My friend Utahraptor thought your story was delightful! Off panel: WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME. T-Rex (punchline): Yes I do understand the basics of the stories I tell, thanks

daaaaaaaaaaaamn, that's cooooooooooold

T-Rex: It's neat how most of our key verbs are just one syllable long! I think that verbs we use a lot change to short words with time, since if they did NOT, it would take a real long time to say all the run-of-the-mill thoughts we have! T-Rex: We'd get bored each time we'd try to talk! T-Rex: Sex! Love! Hate! BONE. All are rad AND short verbs! I bet you could use just short WORDS and find it to be not that hard of a trick! Dromiceiomimus: You might end up with an odd phrase or two, though, since you'd have to steer clear of all 'ing' verbs. T-Rex: Well, that verb form is for chumps! That's right! I said it! That verb form is for true chumps. Utahraptor: Do you have some sort of proof for this "short means key" view? T-Rex: In fact I do! T-Rex: There's a set store of short words, right? A hoard, if you will. If we used all the short word forms for weird and rare verbs, like, I don't know, "to eat a lot of pork", then it would take a long time to share a thought that did not come down to "Dudes! I want to eat pigs!" Utahraptor: Come on! That's not a proof! T-Rex: I have one word for you, my friend! Off panel: Yes? T-Rex (punchline): Daaaaaaaaaamn

okay this one is actually based on my life! but in real life the story didn't end with me pouring cereal through a mail slot; it ended with me still having to eat the whole box because money doesn't grow on trees, now does it.

T-Rex: Once upon a time there was this really great cereal. It was oats in the shape of an "o", sweetened, and inside the "o"s there were clusters of tasty nuts! T-Rex: It was SO good! T-Rex: And then they took the cereal off the market and this little kid could never find it again. Okay, it was me. I was the kid. I looked and looked and was convinced all the grocery stores were hiding it somewhere. But it was gone, and that one box of the cereal was all I ever had. I never stopped looking, however, and yesterday I found it - under a different name, but with all the same ingredients! Utahraptor: And? How was it? T-Rex: WAY too sweet, Utahraptor. T-Rex: It wasn't to my taste at ALL. And the kicker is I remembered it as being even sweeter! I realized that my tastes had changed long ago - that I'd never again be able to enjoy that cereal I remembered so vividly. I'd been chasing a dream that had somehow become impossible when I wasn't looking. T-Rex: And for who? For a child I knew decades ago, a child who had long since faded into adulthood - into me. T-Rex (punchline): Anyway bottom line I hate to see food go to waste so I poured the rest through your mail slot

my friend with the arrow in his eye and i ran around and high tenned each other while shouting 'sawesome!!'? later, i helped him get to the hospital.

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for helping folks grappling with grief from the loss of a loved one! T-Rex: That's right! T-Rex: Leave it to me to totally solve your emotional problems! T-Rex: There are many kinds of grief, so I've focused on a particular flavour. When, say, a big meteor hits a dude square on the head and kills him, that's sad. HOWEVER, at the same time, it's also extremely amazing and awesome. It can be hard to reconcile these two, conflicting, emotions. Dromiceiomimus: So what's your solution? T-Rex: I propose a new word! Utahraptor: Have you noticed how that's your solution to every problem? T-Rex: And have you noticed how it ALWAYS WORKS? T-Rex: Today I propose a word meaning "extremely sad, but also extremely amazing". It can be hard to pull off that emotion: you don't want people thinking you're TOO into how amazing it was. But if you say, "I'm very [my new word] right now", everyone understands! Grief has become easier to navigate! T-Rex: I call my new word "sawesome"! Off panel: Sawesome. T-Rex: Like sad and awesome? T-Rex (punchline): Someone dropped an arrow out of a plane and it nailed my friend in the eye and it was extremely sawesome?

regrets are for people who didn't take days off... to invent languages nobody will ever use

T-Rex: French has problems, English has problems. God: CHINESE HAS PROBLEMS T-Rex: Hindi: problems! T-Rex: Perhaps... ALL the languages have problems?? T-Rex: MAYBE it's time for us to start from scratch and DESIGN a better language? A language without any problems, a language where everything is logical, predictable, culturally-neutral and so easy to learn that we all basically already know it? Dromiceiomimus: Artificial languages have been tried before, T-Rex! T-Rex: Hello?! T-Rex: Not by me! Utahraptor: So what'll make your artificial language different from, say, Esperanto? T-Rex: It'll be UNAMBIGUOUS. Utahraptor: Right. So what makes it different from Lojban then? Every sentence there has only one meaning, and they wrote software to prove their grammar rules unambiguous. T-Rex: Okay that's awesome. But my language can still be awesome too! I'll just go in a different direction. T-Rex: HMM... Narrator: LATER: T-REX INVENTS A LANGUAGE WHERE ALL MEANING IS ENCODED IN INTONATIONS OF "SEXUAL MATURITY HAS NOT BEEN A WALK IN THE PARK FOR ME, LADIES" T-Rex: Sexual maturity HAS NOT been a walk in the park for ME, ladies!! T-Rex (punchline): (That means "Free time: maybe I've too much of it?")

> use SPACESHIPS on TERRESTRIAL PROBLEMS to shift them to a future where we might be able to properly solve them > I don't see SPACESHIPS here.

T-Rex: Has this strapping young dinosaur perhaps become a little... COMPLACENT? T-Rex: It's time to go travelling! T-Rex: This is because travel beats complacency if you do it right! When you're travelling as a backpacker, outside of the regular tourism industry, you're going off the beaten path AND doing a lot of new things all on your own. You meet new people and, since you're put in an environment where you're probably less comfortable than you usually are (both literally and figuratively), you're in a prime situation for self-discovery as well! Utahraptor: So you'd rather do your own thing than go on a big tour with a travel agency? T-Rex: Absolutely! T-Rex: But - I mean, I know it's not entirely a positive thing. All tourism can change the areas it touches! My role as a backpacker COULD be seen as an advance scout for the larger tourism industry - and if I find something wonderful, odds are others will soon follow. Utahraptor: So what's the solution? T-Rex: I don't know, man! Stop travelling? Encase unspoiled areas in amber? Use spaceships to colonize new planets and therefore delay the issue until there are no new frontiers? Off panel: That last one sounds pretty awesome! T-Rex (punchline): That's cause it's got rockets!

When an overweight and food-loving cop gets assigned his new partner, he finds out she's... an amazingly fit officer who moonlights as a sprinter?! *record scratch* These two officers now search for justice - and love - as they fight crime every step of the way, in... /Dine And Dash/.

T-Rex: When a chef gets his recipes stolen by the mob, he revenges himself on them... through karate. This summer, you can't make an omelet... T-Rex: ...without breaking a few LEGS. Dromiceiomimus: Here at ClothesCorp, we know you love covering up your naked body. But then we thought, wouldn't it be nice if the cut and shaped fabrics covering up your bod felt slightly nicer? So we've made our full line of clothing so much more comfortable, we had to name it... More Comfortable™! Dromiceiomimus: This summer... slip into something More Comfortable. T-Rex: We've made robot clones you can hug! Utahraptor: Get A Hold Of Yourself, Man! T-Rex: "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" brought margarine-based incredulity home. Now try our new spreadable fat, "Such A Good Idea"! It's great on toast, potatoes, or straight out of the plastic tub. When your spouse reaches for the competition, be sure to stay their hand and say "Honey, I don't think that's Such A Good Idea™". Off panel: Star cop Jack Ready is undercover as "Slice Norway", a slicer from Norway. But when his cover's blown, he has to take on the mob alone. This summer... T-Rex (punchline): ...He Was Born "Ready"!! T-Rex and off panel: Hah hah hah

see, the META-JOKE is that the characters are acting like you randomly typed qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1837 into your browser because you actually really wanted a comic about 1837. if this is indeed the case, then WOW! you have hit the ultimate jackpot with this url, my friend!

T-Rex: Oh crap, you wanted to know about the year 1837? Quick, everyone: say everything we've memorized about 1837! T-Rex: This is the emergency we've trained for!! Dromiceiomimus: In 1837, Alexandrina Victoria turned into Queen Victoria and announced she was moving to Buckingham Palace! T-Rex: In 1837, Oliver Twist began being serialized! It had a... Twist ending? Dromiceiomimus: No, it had a Dickens ending; STICK TO WHAT WE PRACTICED T-REX THIS IS SERIOUS. Utahraptor: Daguerre invented the dageurreotype in 1837, so there's photographs! T-Rex: And Morse patented the telegraph! Utahraptor: There were a couple of rebellions in the Canadas, a fire in the Winter Palace and an earthquake in Galilee! T-Rex: And EVERYONE ALIVE TODAY had ancestors in 1837 who either had or would have sexual congress producing offspring! T-Rex: ...Also the US economy crashed so bad that 40% of banks died. T-Rex: I'm pretty sure those last two events are unrelated! T-Rex (punchline): ...No way to be sure, really

you offend a regular person it's okay, but then you offend a sexy person and everyone's all YOU'RE CRAZY

T-Rex: I have a friend who got an email invitation to a sex party! Someone here did not receive a corresponding invitation. T-Rex: THAT PERSON IS ME Narrator: T-REX AND THE SEX PARTY T-Rex: Not that I want to go to a sex party, but I had no idea that you could get invited to them over EMAIL, and, um, also, that they actually existed! Dromiceiomimus: So now, whenever you're home reading a book or whatever, will you think "Man! I could be at a SEX PARTY right now!"? T-Rex: Now that you've mentioned it, YES I WILL. Utahraptor: So who was on the Sex Party Invite List? T-Rex: I don't know! T-Rex: It was hidden, so as to keep things discreet. It's kind of funny, because who knows who you'll run into? Old girlfriends? Bosses? THE POSTMAN? There's a danger in going to a sex party. Utahraptor: Good to know. T-Rex: Good to know! Narrator: ANYWAY! T-REX FORGETS ABOUT THE SEX PARTY BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T GO ANYWAY, BECAUSE HOW DO YOU ACT AT A SEX PARTY? WHAT ARE THE CUSTOMS THERE, THE MORES? HE DOESN'T KNOW. T-Rex (punchline): What if I offended someone sexy? Narrator: THERE'S THAT TOO

any one ALONE is better than ending with a mouth full of someone else's blood and a dead friend who can't party on the beach anymore

God: VAMPIRES CAN HAVE KIDS T-REX T-Rex: Oh daaaaaaaang!! T-Rex: Why was I not informed until now?! T-Rex: Vampires can have kids, Dromiceiomimus! They can REPRODUCE through sex! Dromiceiomimus: What? Daaaaaang! T-Rex: Yeah, vampires can make more vampires either through bites OR through sex. They have an entire reproduction option that we don't have! T-Rex: Kinda jealous over here! Utahraptor: But, they can't go out in the sun. T-Rex: Yep! There is that. T-Rex: And I actually don't think the bite option is that fun anyway. Biting someone and getting their blood into your mouth? Honestly? I can think of like four way better ways to pass a Friday night. Utahraptor: Name 'em. T-Rex: Playing video games, eating food, hanging out with friends, and having ACTUAL SEX. T-Rex (punchline): Not necessarily all at the same time, either

UTAHRAPTOR it is time for you to TOE THE PARTY LINE

T-Rex: I am a sensible guy who does sensible things. My favourite expression is "Fellows! Let us be SENSIBLE." However! T-Rex: I am not all guys! T-Rex: Some guys wake up in the morning, and they're crazy. They don't know how many men they'll punch that day. They write in their diary and say, "Dear Diary, anything could happen today." Then they pause thoughtfully, adding "I don't even know." Some guys get to wake up in minimum-security holding cells, laughing. Some guys get to think about it when you ask them what city they lived in last year! Utahraptor: The romance of the rebel? T-Rex: A little, I guess! Utahraptor: Well if it's any consolation, you're not THAT sensible. You've done tons of crazy things! You just THINK you're sensible because you always did them for reasons you believed were rational. T-Rex: That's exactly it: I never surprise myself! When will I do crazy things? When will I wake up in jail and laugh? T-Rex (punchline): Hah! It would be awesome if there was a clock wipe right now, cutting to me three minutes later, behind bars and shouting "I believe there's nothing particularly funny about my new circumstances!" Off panel: Not really

this almost happened with my DJ Wig mashup of the ghostbusters theme and 'just lose it', but i don't like eminem THAT much. but layla! man! i once listened to that song for a month!

Narrator: T-REX HAS YET TO FIND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR ANYONE. AGAIN. COME ON, T-REX T-Rex: No problem! I have the whole weekend to find Christmas presents! I'll get great gifts no matter - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - what. What? Where the heck did Saturday go? What - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - the heck? SUNDAY is gone too? T-Rex: Okay. I have today to find presents. I'm safe just as long as I don't end up SOMEHOW skipping a day ahead in the narrative of my life and missing out on the whole entire - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - day! To repeat, Utahraptor, I did zero shopping yesterday. Utahraptor: There's still time! T-Rex: I know! Thank- Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: Utahraptor: - you for your very thoughtful present, T-Rex! It was fantastic. Just what I wanted, but never knew I needed! And it reflects both my AND your personalities perfectly. T-Rex: I'm glad you like it! What, uh, what was it I got you again? Utahraptor: You know! The re- Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: -mix of "Layla" and "Smells like Teen Spirit" into one song. So everyone can listen to both of my favourite songs at the same time! Off panel: That would be a good task for the new year, yes. T-Rex (punchline): This is what I keep saying!!

that's right, he should

Narrator: T-REX IN: "COMPUTATIONAL LINGUISTICS" T-Rex: Computational linguistics is the study of computer-based language processing! T-Rex: A major area of computational lingistics is that of "ambiguity resolution". It turns out that many things people say in a language - English, for example - can have more than one meaning! T-Rex: Consider the phrase "fruit flies like a banana". Is it describing the taste of fruit flies, or rather flying fruit? How can a computer hope to figure this out? T-Rex: Many have focused on statistical modelling of language, but this approach is approximate. Utahraptor: I agree! T-Rex: What do YOU know about computational linguistics? Utahraptor: Ever read a little paper called "Non-Statistical Models for Unsupervised Prepositional Phrase Attachment?" Utahraptor: That was me! Utahraptor: [small] It was some of my earliest work on head word tuples! T-Rex: Shit man, you know more about this than I do! T-Rex (punchline): You know what? You should be the one doing the talking here!