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paul-stansifer

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yeah, they often sit around and discuss the nature of eroticism. also! this comic works around the fact that i realized i don't know what stereotypical male fantasy number two is. what is it, something about breasts? something about breasts, maybe

T-Rex: Guess who kissed two ladies at the same time yesterday? T-Rex: If you guessed "T-Rex", you are CORRECT! T-Rex: Woohoo! That's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 1 checked off! Now I can move on to Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2 at my earliest convenience! Dromiceiomimus: Congratulations my friend! I am supportive of your sexual proclivities. What's Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2? T-Rex: It's a secret! Women aren't allowed to know. Utahraptor: I'm a man, and I don't know what Stereotypical Male Fantasy Number 2 is either! T-Rex: Really? T-Rex: I'm surprised! You don't have any idea? Utahraptor: I bet it has something to do with women acting improbably! T-Rex: Well YEAH, but it's the specific nature of the improbable actions that matters! Remember? T-Rex: We had this big discussion after I showed you my "One day lots of people had sexy sex" erotic fiction? T-Rex (punchline): Remember?

step 1: image of nessie above the slogan "KEEPIN' IT REAL", step 2: cryptozoologists pay me the big bucks, step 3: cryptozoologists read this comic and say 'wait a minute what the hell' literally out loud

T-Rex: Sure, it's easy to say the Loch Ness Monster is a myth! T-Rex: BUT WE'RE NOT ABOUT TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT. T-Rex: Sure, that first, most famous photo of Nessie was revealed as a fraud. SURE, when interest in the area began people immediately started staging hoaxes. And SURE, a complete search of the Loch was done with sonar beams AND satellite tracking and proved that nothing larger than a buoy was hidden there. Dromiceiomimus: Sounds like she doesn't exist to me! T-Rex: All that proves is that she's not there NOW! Utahraptor: Maybe she could have been there in the past? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Maybe she WAS there, but she died. Cause of death: TERMINAL REALNESS. Utahraptor: And she was gobbled by smaller animals and left no trace? T-Rex: Yes! It is a theory impossible to disprove, unless someone invents time travel, and if that happens I'm sure we'd have bet- Narrator: SUDDENLY!! Off panel: T-Rex, it's me, you from the future! I've come back in time to high five myself. T-Rex: Whoah! T-Rex (punchline): Ready and able, sir!!

please to itemize the deal for each of your several babies

T-Rex: A lot of my friends are having babies. Book cover: BABIES: “WHAT'S THE DEAL?” Book cover: a book by t-rex T-Rex: That's what I say to them! They say, T-Rex, Marcia and I are expecting a little bundle of joy. And I say, Ted, I respect you and love you as a friend, but I have to ask - what's the deal? What is the deal with the BABIES. Utahraptor: The deal is that they're building a family and propagating the species! T-Rex: That's just part of the deal! T-Rex: As a man who is "without babies", the idea of being in charge of another person's life seems insane. That's a lot of responsibility, and I have no idea if I'm qualified for that - or if anyone ELSE is, for that matter. So I have to ask - Utahraptor: "What's the deal?" T-Rex (punchline): With the babies, yes. Book cover: "OKAY, THANKS FOR WRITING IN TO TELL ME WHAT ALL THE DEALS WERE WITH YOUR BABIES" Book cover: "IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION"

the funny thing is, i don't even like jeopardy that much

T-Rex: Alex Trebek announces his retirement from Jeopardy. 3 weeks later, the final episode airs. Of COURSE the show ends with Trebek. T-Rex: It was always to end with Trebek. T-Rex: The final contestants are Ken Jennings, IBM's NLP computer, and some dude! T-Rex: The first round is all behind-the-scenes questions on Jeopardy's production: stuff only Trebek would know. Nobody gets a single correct answer. The Double Jeopardy round is even worse, as the first letter from each category spells out "TREBEK". Dromiceiomimus: But if nobody has a positive score, then nobody can play Final Jeopardy! T-Rex: ...NOT QUITE. Alex removes the facade from his podium. T-Rex: Behind it is a standard Jeopardy lectern. He's been a secret contestant, all these years. Utahraptor: His score's in the millions! T-Rex: The final question is "Alex Trebek's favourite thing to do is this." Trebek writes down his answer and stares out across the audience as the music plays, almost drowned out by non-stop applause. 30 seconds later, the song ends, and in the perfect silence that follows, he reads what he wrote to the studio audience. T-Rex: "What is -" he begins. His voice breaks. He collects himself and starts again. "What WAS... Jeopardy?" T-Rex (punchline): His score doubles into the billions, the crowd loses their minds, and we cut to our last commercial.

tell me again about your theory that we won't be pals forever

T-Rex: Go to a wedding and you're liable to hear classical music! Go to a funeral, what do you hear? T-Rex: Heck, it's probably classical music that's supposed to give you the sad feelings! T-Rex: Even GRADUATIONS normally have some classical music in 'em. All these major life events have classical soundtracks, and you know why? Dromiceiomimus: Because it's classy? T-Rex: Because it's really old! Exactly! T-Rex: At the time they were pop songs, but now they're Ultra Class! Utahraptor: Your point, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh, just that hundreds of years from now they might be playing our Top 40 Dance Megahits at funerals because of how classy they sound to their modern ears! Utahraptor: Hah! Wow, that'd be awful. Well, at least we won't be around to see it, huh? T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex (punchline): Wait what

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

TWICE

T-Rex: If I owe someone a hundred bucks, I've got a problem. But only if they remember the debt! T-Rex: Guys, debt is nothing more than memory! T-Rex: And a debt forgotten is a debt forgiven. So if you want to break out of an endless cycle of revenge -- which is really just an endless series of perceived debts -- you could do worse than bopping your enemies on the head SO HARD that it causes PERMANENT AMNESIA. T-Rex: ...Or - or you could bop yourself, if it's your turn to do the revenging. Utahraptor: Debt's not unique in this, though! Lots of things rely on memory. T-Rex: Such as? Utahraptor: Well, relationships are all about a shared history, right? If that's forgotten, all that's left is a stranger. T-Rex: That's true. You can't really love OR hate someone without at least knowing enough about them to inspire that emotion in the first place! Huh. T-Rex: So to really hate someone, I have to put in at least SOME effort into making the memory of why I hate them in the first place. That seems kinda - dickish! Off panel: And yet, you still hate like 18 different celebrities. T-Rex (punchline): ...Um, Utahraptor, they were in TERRIBLE MOVIES

too bad we'll all be dead :(

T-Rex: I wonder: are we actually making progress? T-Rex: (Where "we" refers to the general population, of course!) Dromiceiomimus: How do you mean, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well - what about philosophy, for instance? We've had thousands of years to think about what it means to be alive, yet we're still no closer to an answer! Where's the progress when we're still grappling with the same questions as the ancients? Utahraptor: You assume that there exists an answer to such cosmic questions! T-Rex: I do! Utahraptor: What about the whole idea of "the only questions worth asking are those that can't be answered"? T-Rex: Self-justification from philosophers who can't reach a conclusion, my friend! I want ANSWERS, not debate! I want a one sentence SUMMARY of LIFE. Off panel: Something like, "too bad we'll all be dead"? T-Rex: Yeah, only catchier and more informative! T-Rex (punchline): And less depressing!

YOUR JACKET IS NOW DRY

T-Rex: As of today, I am officially living in the future! T-Rex: That's because as of TODAY, I am the proud owner of a robot! T-Rex: His name is Breadmatic 5000 and he's great. His speciality? Baking friggin' bread! Dromiceiomimus: That's not a robot, T-Rex! That's a standard bread machine. T-Rex: He's a robot! He's a robot and he sits on the kitchen counter and when I press the "Breadmatic, I would like some bread tonight" button and then put the ingredients inside him, he turns them into bread. You know how he does it? Through ROBOTICS. Utahraptor: He's not even anthropomorphic! T-Rex: Robots don't have to be!! T-Rex: Breadmatic is a box because that is ROBOTICALLY DETERMINED to be the optimal shape for bread production, okay? Utahraptor: You bought him at the grocery store. T-Rex: You live in a bland world of consumer electronics, Utahraptor. I live in a world of robot pals who bake me food! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Breadmatic, I'm worried! The fact that you're a robot is already coming between me and my non-robot friends! Off panel: YOUR BREAD IS NOW: READY T-Rex: Sometimes, Breadmatic, in my most private moments... T-Rex (punchline): [small] ...sometimes I worry that won't be enough.

here is where i admit to spending the entire time writing this comic with all my kid icarus theme song remixes and covers playing on loop! nicolas ferranti, yours is my favourite.

Narrator: THE MYTH OF ICARUS T-Rex: Icarus and his dad were imprisoned on an island with water patrols, so they couldn't escape by boat. But they still wanted to escape anyway, so they made wings out of wax and feathers and flew away! T-Rex: Pretty clever, boys!! T-Rex: And while they were flying, his dad warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, because the wax in his wings would melt and he'd fall to his death! Icarus said "Frig, is this symbolic of how we mortals should not aspire to usurp the power of the Gods? Is this an allegory showing the limits and folly of earthly invention? Because we just invented heavier-than-air flight out of WAX and FEATHERS, Dad. I think maybe the Gods won't mind." T-Rex: And then Icarus flew straight up! Utahraptor: As high as he could! Utahraptor: And as saying that things get hotter the higher up you get is incredibly naive (how come mountain tops aren't sweltering?), Icarus was fine. Temperature actually DECREASES as you go up the troposphere, and there's no way Icarus could fly up to the thermosphere, where things DO get hot, because there's just not enough air. T-Rex: So Icarus had a great time flying and when he finally landed his dad said "Wow, I sure was wrong", and they spent the rest of their lives flying just as close to the sun as their clever mechanical wings would take them. T-Rex (punchline): Kids! The moral is never listen to your elders!!

UNSOLICITED time travel advice comics, more like

Narrator: TIME TRAVEL ADVICE COMICS T-Rex: If you ever find your consciousness - your self - sent back in time to the body of a much younger you, there are some changes to be expected! Remember: T-Rex: It can be frustrating to live out your life again! T-Rex: But - there is hope. Small changes compound into large ones, and soon you will be encountering situations you don't recall. T-Rex: If you're going to impress by making predictions about the immediate future, you should do so early on! They may become increasingly inaccurate. Utahraptor: It can also be difficult to convince people that you've travelled from the future! T-Rex: Quite so! T-Rex: This is why (if you've gone back in your own life far enough) using words and knowledge that are far beyond your means can help impress upon people the truth of your story. Utahraptor: Be careful, though! Overplay this, and you may become separated from your familiar world! T-Rex: Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): Enjoy being six!

an alternate last line has the devil saying T-REX MY FAVOURED FOES ARE THE STERN AND IMPLACABLE COLOURED BOXES OF THE BREAKOUT GENRE and then adding OUR PATHS WILL CROSS AGAIN

T-Rex: Thesis statement: science fiction is a better genre of fiction than fantasy. T-Rex: Proof: robots are clearly significantly cooler than talking horses! T-Rex: Conclusion: my thesis statement is correct! Everyone loves robots and everyone is totally bored whenever they hear about horses with souls that talk about feelings. BORING feelings. Dromiceiomimus: What? I bet you read just one fantasy book and it happened to have a boring horse that talked about feelings, T-Rex. T-Rex: One was enough!! Utahraptor: You do know the two genres are closely related, right? T-Rex: They're actually not! T-Rex: It is a common misconception that science fiction is just fantasy with a justification for the fantastic elements. What people forget is that science fiction rules and fantasy... Utahraptor: ...drools? T-Rex: Precisely, my friend. In three different ways. God: I DON'T KNOW T-REX I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED THAT YOU CAN DISMISS AN ENTIRE GENRE T-Rex (punchline): Come on, God! Would you rather battle Klingons or trolls? God: I DON'T REALLY DO BATTLE THAT OFTEN God: BUT OKAY YEAH KLINGONS

t-rex is not sure where he stands on the conflict in the middle east, but he is FOR mothers with baby carriages being extreme. you might wish to adopt these politics as your own.

T-Rex: I feel like I don't really have a solid opinion on the really big international issues. There's so much to them - so much nuance! How can I have a defensible opinion on something I don't fully understand? T-Rex: However! I do have MANY unsolicited opinions on smaller, local issues! T-Rex: Those issues I can understand completely, and there I DON'T feel like someone who just happens to know their stuff better could best me in an argument. Dromiceiomimus: What kind of issues are you talking about? T-Rex: Oh, you know - issues like "should mothers with baby carriages be allowed to be extreme." Narrator: EARLIER: Utahraptor: Man, did you see how extreme that mother was? T-Rex: With the baby carriage? Yeah! T-Rex: She was totally extreme. Utahraptor: I never saw a mother so extreme. Have you? T-Rex: You know I would'a mentioned it to you if I had! God: GUYS THAT MOTHER WAS SO EXTREME T-Rex (punchline): God! Are there yet any laws against mothers being extreme, do you know? God: NOT YET NOT TO THE BEST OF MY AWESOME KNOWLEDGE NO

an alternate ending had the zookeeper saying 'then it looks like YOU'RE off the hook, sir!' to t-rex's 'I bet he's handsome!', but then i was like, man, that is one sassy zookeeper.

T-Rex: Has there ever been a situation in which a tiger has eaten a penguin? T-Rex: And then the penguin is all, "DANG"? Dromiceiomimus: But those two animals would never meet in real life, right? T-Rex: Right! So that leaves us, the dinosaurs, to introduce the two species and watch one of them get gobbled! Have we done that? Or have we been shirking our Decadent Tops of the Food Chain responsibility of Unnatural Carnivore Pairings? Utahraptor: I don't get why you're so interested in this! T-Rex: PROBABLY because it's really interesting? T-Rex: I just figure it's a pretty short list of animals that haven't been eaten by a tiger, you know? And I don't know how many people have had the pleasure of seeing something eat something that that something has never eaten before, but I'd like to be one of those people. Utahraptor: But penguins are so cute! Narrator: SOON: Off panel: Hey, who put the penguin in the tiger pit?! T-Rex (punchline): Whoever he is, I bet he's handsome! Off panel: Aw FRIG, now the penguin has eaten the tiger! Off panel: THERE'S A REASON WE KEEP THEM SEPARATED, EVERYONE

god apparently wasn't paying attention yesterday to this comic, i mean

God: T-REX YOUR FRIENDS SURE ARE CRAZY EH T-Rex: Huh? God, my friends aren't crazy. Crazy's insane. My friends are WACKY. T-Rex: Wacky. God: THEY'RE PRETTY CRAZY T-Rex: Probably not, cause they're wacky! God: LOOK IN A LITTLE BIT THE UTAHRAPTOR IS GOING TO ASK YOU AN UNNECESSARY FAVOUR AND IT WOULD BE COOL IF YOU SAID YES T-Rex: Why? Let's get this crazy/wacky issue settled first. God: SERIOUSLY MAN JUST DO IT AND I PROMISE I'LL TELL YOU A COSMIC TRUTH AFTERWARDS T-Rex: God! FINE. Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, I've a favour to ask! Can you tell me when seven minutes have passed? T-Rex: "Okay!" Narrator: SEVEN MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: Seven minutes have passed. Utahraptor: Good! My Kraft Dinner is ready! T-Rex: You could have timed this yourself! I guess this is kind of an unnecessary favour. God: HA HA T-REX YOU SURE HAVE SOME CRAZY FRIENDS T-Rex (punchline): No I don't!

dear audio diary, maybe i should be writing you down.

T-Rex: Well, I'm up really early and I'm not going to be able to get back to sleep. Maybe I'll go for an early-morning walk! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I am successfully going for an early-morning walk!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! What are YOU doing up? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, hey T-Rex! I'm normally up at this time, actually. Couldn't sleep? T-Rex: Nope! Weird. I always assumed that you had the same sleep schedule as I did! Dromiceiomimus: Looks like I don't! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, what are you doing up? T-Rex: YOU'RE up too?! T-Rex: Holy crap! There's this whole shadow world that lives in the early morning, isn't there? There's a hidden community of folks who get up early and DO THINGS, and I was never included until now! Utahraptor: Yes, it's a wonderful place. Come with me, as I reveal to you our world of magic and whimsy. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! Today I learnt when someone promises a tour of a land whimsy, that REALLY just means they want you to buy them breakfast. Period underscore period, diary! T-Rex (punchline): Colon dash openbracket space, period underscore period, diary.

there's also been cases of SLEEP MURDER, so YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL if you are sleeping next to a future sleep murderer

T-Rex: Sleepwalking! I would like to get me some sleepwalking, please. And more than just sleepwalking! T-Rex: There's been cases of sleeptalking, sleepemailin' and even sleepsexin'! T-Rex: I WOULD TOTALLY BE DOWN WITH THAT. I lose like eight hours of productive time A DAY whenever I have to go lie down and close my eyes and hallucinate for a while. Is it truly possible to level up and have a fully functional life while sleeping, so that I can wake well-rested and discover that, OH SNAP, all my problems were solved by Sleepytime Rex? And also that I sent out some emails? ...And had sexy times? Utahraptor: Probably not, dude! T-Rex: I'M not certain anyone has tried! T-Rex: Sleepwalkers can have their EYES OPEN and you can talk to them, but they're confused. Take away that confusion and I'd be unstoppable! I'd be TAKING CARE OF BIDNESS while everyone else was dreaming about SOCKS. Utahraptor: Yeah, but you can't just "take away the confusion". T-Rex: I'm gonna! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: There! My bedroom's covered with posters that say "YOU ARE SLEEPING, CAN YOU FIGURE OUT MY TAX PROBLEMS? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE TOILET? HOW COME BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?" T-Rex (punchline): Three big problems... for one very sleepy dude!

buyers of the second book are like, "phew, i was almost nervous for my relationship for a second there! lucky thing they finished that ellipsis!"

Book cover: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, MAN Book cover: Probably She's Attracted To Men Who Are Different From You In Some Way Book cover: What The Heck, Right? Book cover: who the heck does she think she is Book cover: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU...R TASTE IN MUSIC Book cover: don't worry DON'T WORRY everything else is FINE Book cover: IN MY LAST BOOK I SAID HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC BUT WHAT I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU WAS THAT HE'S - HE'S GREAT Book cover: he's a real catch and um, you should get married Book cover: "tie the knot" Book cover: ha ha Book cover: THE MAN WHO KISSED A WOMAN BECAUSE HIS FRIEND AT WORK KEPT TEASING HIM ABOUT NOT KISSING ANYONE FOR A WHILE Book cover: sure showed HIM Book cover: HE DOESN'T CALL BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE AND HE HAS CRIPPLING DEBT Book cover: you know those stock photos of a man with scissors cutting up his credit cards because he has too much debt? that was him! Book cover: THAT DOES NOT ERASE YOUR DEBT, MAN WITH SCISSORS Book cover: MY LAST BOOK WAS MORE ABOUT FINANCIAL ADVICE THAN RELATIONSHIPS

in fact, by now i do it without even thinking about it! you should really give it a try.

T-Rex: If you're dead and you're a ghost, why are you still hanging around? What unfinished business could be SO IMPORTANT that it demands the full attention of your new supernatural powers?? Give it a rest! Game over, man! Devil: T-REX YOU TALK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER GONE FOR 100% COMPLETION T-Rex: Oh my gosh THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Ghosts have beaten the game but they've worried they've missed something, so they're hanging around, going for 100%! That's their "unfinished business"! Dromiceiomimus: "I died without ever messing with a lightswitch while throwing cups at a wall"? T-Rex: Exactly! Devil: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: TIME ON YOUR HANDS Utahraptor: And ghosts hanging around from hundreds of years ago? T-Rex: They just suck at the game! T-Rex: They've spent HUNDREDS OF YEARS but they're still in the same spooky mansion, trying to get that last "Get Photographed Clearly" achievement required for 100% and messing it up, Every Single Time. Utahraptor: Aw, poor guys! T-Rex: Whatever! Come on, ghosts!! Have you tried NOT being blurry and transparent? T-Rex: This may sound really obvious, but I don't want to leave any stone unturned here. T-Rex (punchline): I find that really helps me when I'm being photographed.

the first three panels are my brother's actual "in the event of my death" instructions. i rate them: totally awesome.

T-Rex: If somehow - SOMEHOW - I die, then I would like to be cremated, please! T-Rex: And then I would like my carbon remains to be crushed into diamonds, please! T-Rex: And then I would like some of the remaining carbon to be made into pencils and the pencils be given to my pals for them to draw with, and then a year after I die I would like for there to be an art show of all the awesome T-Rex pencil pictures, please! T-Rex: Also, I would like there to be explicit instructions for my pals not to chew on the pencils because that's kinda super gross, please! Utahraptor: What do we use the diamonds for? T-Rex: Um, a little thing called FASHION?? T-Rex: Or for an industrial drill bit. Whatever; THE POINT IS, whenever you look at it you can think, "My pal's body made that. Huh! I remember him now!" Utahraptor: "I wonder how much cash I can get for it. Maybe I'll write down my guess with this pencil, also made from his body." T-Rex: Nooooooooooo T-Rex (punchline): -body will pay much for an artificial diamond but nice try

utahraptor's already several paces away, talking over his shoulder

T-Rex: Yes indeed, I'm old enough that I get to decide where I want to live! And that means I want to live RIGHT HERE. T-Rex: It's where all my friends pal around! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, that's very sweet T-Rex, but we'd hate to be the reason you don't go out and explore the world. Don't treat us like an anchor! T-Rex: I'm not! I'm still going to travel if I want to. But if here is good, why would I move somewhere else where I have to make all NEW friends? I'm initially not the most likeable guy, Dromiceiomimus. T-Rex: I - I step on stuff Utahraptor: Man, but now you're an anchor for us! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: We can't move away, because WE'LL feel bad that you stayed because of us and now, we're leaving! T-Rex: And I wouldn't be able to follow you because that would make ME seem needy and insecure! T-Rex and Utahraptor: This is a disaster! T-Rex (punchline): Want to never talk about our relationship like this again? Off panel: DONE

"it presupposes you equate every part of yourself with the whole! WHAT'S THE DEAL"

T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Check it and see. T-Rex: My body temperature matches the environment's to within a small degree! Dromiceiomimus: You're cold-blooded? T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Utahraptor: No you're not, T-Rex! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. Utahraptor: The whole idea of the cold/warm blooded binary is discredited. It turns out there's an entire spectrum of thermal management possibilities between these two misleadingly-named endpoints! In any case, you're warm blooded. T-Rex: Well! That settles that! T-Rex: Now on to my next topic of conversation! When people say "I want you inside of me", isn't that weird? T-Rex: I - I think it's weird. T-Rex (punchline): *sigh*

joey comeau of asofterworld.com had this great idea for a tattoo: one of those sailor's hearts with a woman's name in a banner across it, but you leave the banner BLANK. is that not brilliant? you could write in the names of women you meet at parties in pen and impress them with your élan.

T-Rex: Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool! Narrator: T-REX'S BIG TATTOO Dromiceiomimus: How would it go disastrously wrong? T-Rex: Oh, you know - the usual. I get a tattoo of some figure in popular culture and it turns out that figure is a crazy racist. We've all been there, right? T-Rex: We've probably all been there. Utahraptor: Hey, I've got a great idea, T-Rex: let's get tattoos together! T-Rex: Like, twin tattoos? Utahraptor: No, like we both get tattoos at the same time - for moral support. Twin tattoos? You were thinking we'd each get separate halves of the yin yang symbol or something? T-Rex: Yeah, I guess I was! Hah hah! That WOULD be pretty crazy. T-Rex: We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up, and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? T-Rex (punchline): Okay! I'm going to stop talking now!

wargames: referenced enough lately? utahraptor suggests that it is, which is odd because wargames was referenced in THE VERY DINOSAUR COMICS HE STARS IN like only 4 months ago

T-Rex: Dollars for sale! DOLLARS FOR SALE! T-Rex: Dollars for sale, you guys! T-Rex: Dollars for sale in an auction where everyone pays their highest bid, whether or not they win! T-Rex: So when you bid 1 cent, Dromiceiomimus - FOR A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE DOLLAR - you'll be getting a great deal AND you'll make a profit of 99 cents! But watch out, because if Utahraptor outbids you with 2 cents, then you could lose your penny! Remember: you have to pay your high bid either way. Dromiceiomimus: So it's in my interest to outbid him with 3 cents: that way I can at least make a profit of 97 cents! Utahraptor: But then I'll just outbid her with the exact same motivation! T-Rex: True! Utahraptor: But then - if Dromiceiomimus bids 98 cents, I'll bid 99. Then she has to decide whether to bid $1: if she doesn't, she loses 98 cents, but if she does, she'll break even. So she does, and I'm left with the choice of either losing my 99 cents, or of bidding $1.01 and then only losing 1 cent. Off panel: So I bid more than the dollar is worth, just to minimize my losses! And it keeps going, and we both end up bankrupt! This is the worst ever auction, and I'm not bidding. T-Rex (punchline): Would you say... "The only winning move is not to play?" Off panel: No, I think that movie's been referenced enough lately

i originally spelt 'woo' as 'whoo' but thought people would read t-rex's lines like an owl was talking GOOD STORY RYAN

T-Rex: Spring break!! T-Rex: Woooo! T-Rex: Wooo! T-Rex: SPRING BREAK! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, hold up! WHICH spring break, T-Rex? You don't go to school! T-Rex: Nevertheless, I feel I am entitled to one! T-Rex: Woooo! T-Rex: Spring break WOOO!! Utahraptor: You think that if you shout "woo!" enough, a party will form, don't you? T-Rex: The thought DID cross my mind! Utahraptor: Well it won't work! It takes more than shouting "spring break" and "woo" to make a party happen! T-Rex: My theory and teen movies would disagree with you, my friend! T-Rex: Spring break! T-Rex: WOOOOOO! Narrator: DANCING LADIES AND TASTY SNACKS SUDDENLY APPEAR JUST OFFSCREEN: T-Rex (punchline): Excellent!

alternate panel five: t-rex asks utahraptor if he could punch out god and utahraptor says "God? Isn't he that guy who carries the world on his shoulders? He sounds ripped!" and t-rex says "NO THAT'S ATLAS; THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT THEOLOGY, GOD." and god says "YES" and at this point I started rewriting the comic

God: HEY T-REX WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT YOU OR ME T-Rex: Dude, me! Like all men, I secretly believe myself to be fully capable of punching out God. [no text] T-Rex: But only if circumstances demanded it, obviously!! God: WHAT SORT OF CIRCUMSTANCES ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE T-Rex: Say you challenge me to a debate and I decide to let my fists do the debating! Or say you go rogue and the government sends me in as their last, best hope! God: LAST BEST HOPE FOR PUNCHING OUT ME God: GOD T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex! T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor, I'm glad you're here! Listen, let me ask you: in your heart of hearts, do you secretly believe yourself to be fully capable of punching out God? Utahraptor: Because you think you could? Let's see what you've got! T-Rex: Utahraptor I'm currently flexing my right arm! Do not be alarmed as you feel your heterosexuality crumbling in the face of my unbridled masculinity! Off panel: I'm already gay. T-Rex: YES T-Rex (punchline): It works in BOTH temporal directions

i originally wrote "sexual intercourse" but then "sex intercourse" sounded way better! then i realized i can't think of a single situation where the word "sexual" is superior to "sex". anyway! i hope the first panel of today's comic made you feel sex

T-Rex: Amelia and Antonio Tony were two original characters COPYRIGHT ME who were having sex intercourse! They were having it in a manner that would be arousing to a third party reading about these events after the fact. T-Rex: Hey! That's your cue, readers! T-Rex: "Wow, so arousing," whispered the first reader of the story, increasingly aroused. "I found the information on the first reader somewhat less arousing than the original story", said the second reader, her arousal waning. The third reader threw away this book in disgust as it was extremely difficult to get aroused to / with, but only after writing, in the past tense, about what he was about to do. Utahraptor: So we read your story, add on our own experience, and pass it on? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: The result is an object that is at once reviewed AND reviewer, challenging the classical divide between the two and inviting us to examine our own preconceptions! Utahraptor: It sounds boring. T-Rex: IT SOUNDS LIKE ART AND YOU SHOULD LIKE IT. T-Rex: ALSO MAYBE THIS WASN'T CLEAR: T-Rex (punchline): INITIALLY THERE'S PORNS

it would have been really good though

T-Rex: So a friend of mine got a cell phone! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I'm of the belief that some businessmen who are never in the office could use them, but that most people don't REALLY need one. Therefore, they are allowed to be teased by me! T-Rex: Ho ho! They are allowed to be teased by me whenever they use their phone, even if it's in an emergency! Utahraptor: But you didn't tease this person, right? T-Rex: Right! Utahraptor: Well, that's good. I think people with cell phones get teased enough. T-Rex: It was going to be really good, though! I was going to call really early. I would have said, "DO YOU LIKE YOUR CELL PHONE NOW??" T-Rex (punchline): "HELLO"

it was pretty neat

Narrator: JOY COMICS T-Rex: "Joy"?! T-Rex: Who uses the word "joy" anymore? T-Rex: "Happy", sure - but outside of a religious context, is anything described as "joyous" anymore? T-Rex: Besides weddings, I guess. And childbirths. Utahraptor: Maybe you're too old and cynical and embittered to believe in things like joy, T-Rex! Utahraptor: The reason the word seems odd to you is that it is entirely untouched by popularity or irony! "Awesome" has lost all its power through overuse, but "joy" still means something! Utahraptor: I think perhaps you are a bit embarrassed by the idea of joy! Maybe because you've never experienced it? T-Rex: I have so experienced joy! I have so! T-Rex (punchline): It was awesome!

by reading this comic you have just downloaded an image that says "Bombs bombs bombs" onto your computer, so that is a thing. hello nsa!

T-Rex: Well, I certainly do love having illegal thoughts, while simultaneously involving myself in ANY NUMBER of sinister anti-government conspiracies! T-Rex: Bombs bombs bombs. Narrator: HELLO NSA, HOW ARE YOU Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Psych! Actually I just wanted to talk to YOU: the NSA intern who monitors everything I say and type and every website I access! It's really sweet that you care so much about me. You watch the T-Rex show every day, and you never miss an episode, a moment, a single word. I love that when we go to bed each night we're both going over the same day in our heads, thinking the same thoughts, sighing the same contented sigh before falling asleep. I love that. I love you. T-Rex: One life spent watching another's: it's the purest expression of our love. Thank you. Thank you. Utahraptor: T-Rex? Utahraptor: I, uh, I think it's mostly computers that do the monitoring. Sentiment analysis algorithms, you know? Not a brilliant stranger so enraptured with you and your life and your two entwined souls that he puts his own existence on hold to watch your every waking moment. T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: THE HELL T-Rex (punchline): IS WRONG WITH REALITY

"sonneteers": a real thing those who write sonnets get to call themselves. i thought "cartoonist" was a rad job but i didn't realize i could describe myself as a "comicteer" or, failing that, "dialoguenaut"

T-Rex: Alright everyone, listen up. We're gonna do it this time. We're gonna power through and we're gonna learn about SONNETS. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: Sonnets are 14-line poems usually with iambic pentameter! T-Rex: And what are iambic pentameters? WHO KNOWS?? I looked 'em up and TURNS OUT, all it says is it's a phrase that means "having five iambs". TERRIFIC. Then I looked up "iamb" and it said they're a metrical foot, so that's, what, 30 centimetres? T-Rex: Have we all learnt about sonnets yet? T-Rex: Please say yes Utahraptor: I think metrical means "regarding meter", not "in metric". Meter is a poem thing, right? T-Rex: Then what's a foot?? Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Okay, internet says feet are "a metrical unit that generates a line of verse". Maybe that's related? T-Rex: MY internet said iambic comes from Iambe, the Greek goddess of verse. Because there's gods for that? But then it talked about accentual-syllabic verse? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention: sonneteers!! T-Rex (punchline): You win, you get all the sonnets for yourself / I've put my dictionary back up on the shelf / Is this a sonnet? I don't know / Hidey hidey hidey ho

congratulations, edna! we'll deliver the award every year from now on, and not even death will stop us

T-Rex: "Eureka! I've invented something annoying and of marginal utility but which will outlive its useful lifespan by decades!" - John Faxmachine T-Rex: HE DIED ALONE AND NOBODY CRIED, THE END. T-Rex: Later on, Jane Cigarettelighterincardashboards made a similar prediction when she said "I've invented a way to have a lighter in your car, which will eventually be clumsily adapted as a power outlet, requiring clunky adaptors as no other plug in the world is shaped this way. This is way better than just putting actual sockets in the car, or maybe a USB port." Utahraptor: And let us not forget this year's lifetime achievement winner, Edna Q. Yellowpages! T-Rex: Of course! T-Rex: She's like a crappy Santa, every year delivering a useless book of ads that nobody wants, ignoring everyone's requests to stop. Her award is a statue of a shot-in-the-head zombie who JUST WON'T DIE. Utahraptor: Congrats, Edna. We'll throw the award on your porch. T-Rex: Today we celebrate these innovators who made life slightly more convenient for a little while, but then made life much more inconvenient for a lot longer. They're a part of our heritage. Off panel: We can't get rid of them! T-Rex (punchline): Nobody knows why!!

based on the movie "teen wolf" which i am reliably informed was marketed as a direct sequel to "back to the future" overseas because they starred the same guy and hah hah hah WHY NOT

T-Rex: A WEREWOLF TALE OF TERROR, by me, T-Rex. T-Rex: One day Marty McFly got bit by a werewolf! Marty McFly is having a difficult day. T-Rex: Now he's a werewolf too! T-Rex: "Great Scott!" said Marty McFly, echoing his friend and mentor, Dr. Emmett Lathrop "Doc" Brown, Ph.D. "I'll miss the Battle of the Bands if I'm out being a werewolf attacking people! But wait, wolves generally don't attack humans unless they're starving. Maybe I could just, like, buy some steaks in advance. I need to learn more about this," said Marty, and then he time travelled ahead thirty years to 2015! T-Rex: There he could read Wikipedia, which was a thing now! Utahraptor: Oh no! T-Rex: "A werewolf or lycanthrope (from the Greek λυκάνθρωπος) is a mythological creature with the ability to shapeshift into a wolf or therianthropic hybrid wolf-like creature" he read - Utahraptor: Oh no. Dude. You're PLAGIARIZING WIKIPEDIA in your MARTY MCFLY WEREWOLF FANFIC. Off panel: Literature has hit a new low! T-Rex (punchline): What if I told you the Ninja Turtles show up later and Raph turns werewolf too, in order to better battle a vampiric Krang?? Off panel: LITERATURE HAS HIT A NEW HEIGHT, OMG

if by 'religious scholars' you mean dan brown and by 'some [of these divinities] even have sex in the woods' you mean the all-attractive krishna, then HECK YES

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to talk about HINDUISM. Narrator: HINDUISM COMICS! T-Rex: In Hinduism, there are many gods and aspects of gods, and many of these divinities are sexual. It's true! Some even have sex in the woods with regular mortals just for the fun of it! In conclusion, Hinduism is a famous religion, plus, sexual congress. Utahraptor: T-Rex!! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: Man, leave it to you to take a great religion and focus ENTIRELY on the sexy bits. T-Rex: I do that with all major world religions though! For example, Christianity? T-Rex: Mary Magdalene? T-Rex: Eh? T-Rex (punchline): Some religious scholars believe she and the historical Jesus were more than "just friends"?

of course under ordinary circumstances, the tiny black holes would end up at the centre of the earth, due to the planet's much greater gravity. but i remind you, ladies and gentlemen: these are no ordinary circumstances.

Narrator: HI! HERE'S SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG TODAY! Narrator: UNCONTROLLED WILDFIRES T-Rex: I don't live near trees! Narrator: THEY'LL FIND YOU Narrator: THE AIR SURROUNDING YOU IS THERE DUE TO THE COMPLEX AND RANDOM MOTION OF GAS MOLECULES. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT EACH AND EVERY MOLECULE COULD HAPPEN TO BOUNCE AWAY FROM YOU AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT, LEAVING YOU ASPHYXIATING TO DEATH IN A COMPLETE VACUUM. T-Rex: That's ASTRONOMICALLY unlikely! Narrator: IT COULD STILL HAPPEN Narrator: OR AN ENEMY COULD BE POISONING YOU TO DEATH, A LITTLE EACH DAY. T-Rex: Man! My enemies SUCK. Utahraptor: Oh my God, mine do too! Narrator: TINY BLACK HOLES COULD BURROW INTO YOUR BODIES, EATING YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. T-Rex and Utahraptor: If they ended up inside our stomachs, we could eat anything we want and not get fatter!! Narrator: LISTEN Narrator: THAT'S NOT HOW THEY WORK Narrator: OR EVERY ATOM IN YOUR BODY COULD LOSE ITS COHESION AND YOU COULD EXPLODE. T-Rex (punchline): Frig! I think I missed my bus! Narrator: SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU Narrator: TODAY, MAN: NOTHING BUT PROBLEMS

My old home town of Ottawa spent $200,000 on a new slogan for the city, and the best they could come up with was 'Technically beautiful'. It was very embarrassing to us all. I think the guy who suggested the slogan got a new bike, if memory serves.

T-Rex: I am a dude in need of a catchy slogan. Something to put under my name on business cards to convince people they should associate with me and maybe be my friend! T-Rex: Something like, "T-Rex: Your Man In ANY Situation!" Dromiceiomimus: That probably sounds more sexually permissive than you intended, T-Rex. T-Rex: It is a work in progress! Dromiceiomimus: Okay! How about, "T-Rex: Better Than You Might Expect"? T-Rex: Hah! No, I'm actually looking for slogans that are POSITIVE. Utahraptor: "T-Rex: Not A Pedophile (Just So You Know)"? T-Rex: Man, that's not positive either! Utahraptor: How about "T-Rex: Your Shortcomings and Regrets, Personified!" T-Rex: That's even less positive than the first one!! Utahraptor: "T-Rex: That Awful Taste in your Mouth, First Thing in the Morning" T-Rex: No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: "T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way" T-Rex: I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR. T-Rex (punchline): Not bad, though!

See how, in the first panel, I smoothly worked in who Morris was so that newer readers wouldn't be confused by the dialogue lines coming from T-Rex's nose? Here you have to imagine me tapping myself on the chest while saying "Master." (tap) "Wordsmith." (tap) "Guy." (tap)

Morris: hey there t-rex, how are you doin'? it's me, morris T-Rex: Morris the tiny bug, it's been a while! How are you? Morris: oh i'm fine, t-rex, it's very nice of you to ask! Morris: only to tell you the truth i'm not all that fine because i've been under a lot of stress lately! T-Rex: Stress?! Morris: oh gosh, yes, i didn't even think things could get so stressful, but then they did! like for example i'm worried about how i'm ever gonna make friends when i get older. when you're just a kid, you've got people in your classes to hang out with and the best part is, every year you've got new classes and that means a heck of a lot of new friends! but when you're an adult you've got a job instead of class, and people don't normally change jobs every year from what i've seen, so maybe i'm wrong but it seems like if your old friends move away and you're not friends with the folks at work, then it might be awful hard to make new friends! T-Rex: Aww, Morris, that's nothing you have to worry about now! Utahraptor: Yeah, you won't have to deal with that until you're way older! Morris: but doesn't it worry you fellas to have problems waiting for you like that? Morris: if i have a problem, my parents and role models always tell me that it's best to face it head on, rather than ignoring it and hoping it'll get better all on its own! because sometimes, that doesn't happen, and then you've got an even bigger problem to deal with! and that's just the worst Utahraptor: Well, that's right, but if you ever find yourself in this situation, you can just join a club or a team and meet new people that way! Morris: shucks utahraptor, that's awful good advice, but wouldn't you end up liking your free time, but then feeling bad that you have to spend the biggest part of your day with folks that aren't even your friends? and it really doesn't seem like you're allowed to ask how friendly folks are during a job interview T-Rex (punchline): Morris, I guess sometimes your problems really ARE difficult! Morris: oh gosh, t-rex Morris: don't i know it

THIS IS A "FREE IDEA", YOU CAN IMPLEMENT THIS, BY READING THESE WORDS YOU ARE LEGALLY OBLIGED TO IMPLEMENT THIS

T-Rex: I am going to write an amazing play, and it will be hilarious and beautiful and meaningful and have depths that will keep critics writing for generations, and it will make me famous and rich. T-Rex: Looks like this morning just got a friggin' GOALSET, baby! Narrator: SOON: Dromiceiomimus: How's the play going so far, T-Rex? T-Rex: Good! So far I've got over FOU- over THREE characters, and I've got a conflict too! The characters want to go to the ice cream store but one of them is like, "Oh hey, I feel like I've had enough ice cream." Utahraptor: You can never have enough ice cream!! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: That's what the other characters say to the first character. Then they get into a fight. The fight spreads, and before long the audience is drawn into it too! Utahraptor: Audience participation? T-Rex: They get punched by actors, so: yes. Narrator: SOON: THE PLAY IS NOT HILARIOUS OR BEAUTIFUL OR MEANINGFUL AND IT DOESN'T HAVE DEPTHS OR MAKE T-REX RICH BUT IT DOES HAVE AUDIENCE PUNCHING T-Rex (punchline): And after, lawsuits!! Narrator: AND AFTER, LAWSUITS

SCIENCE DUDES! I AM AN AMATEUR WITH A CONCERN ABOUT TIME TRAVEL. YOU SHOULD ANSWER YOUR PHONES MORE OFTEN

T-Rex: Science dudes! T-Rex: I have some bad news! T-Rex: I think that time travel might not actually be possible! T-Rex: Because say I travel to the future and take back some sweet future technology: let us say, hoverbikes. Nice! And then people in the present can examine the hoverbikes and see how they work to duplicate them, which is also nice, until we get to the future and the guy who invented hoverbikes won't do it anymore, because they've already been invented! He doesn't want to be a copycat. Assume for the sake of argument that he doesn't want to be a copycat. Utahraptor: So, what? You've got a paradox! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: The creativity that was required to create hoverbikes has been erased! Who had the insight now? Utahraptor: It's a paradox! Those are what happen when you travel through time. T-Rex: But they're inventions without an inventor! And you can do the same thing with works of art! T-Rex (punchline): Science dudes, are you even listening to me??

add 'canonically adult' to the pile of 'great titles for porn magazines taken from dialogue in dinosaur comics'

T-Rex: I am getting old! WHICH IS FINE, except I'm starting to worry that all I do is young guy stuff and not mature adult stuff, like having a mortgage, or owning more than one pair of nice pants. Narrator: T-REX COMICS T-Rex: I'm a little surprised by my own feelings! I've always been a guy to be fully behind doing what you want and SCREW SOCIETY, but I guess there's a part of me that's whispering "come on get a real job and a mortgage and live a real life it'll be raaaad". Maybe it's societal conditioning, but it's there! I guess I either need to change my life OR my opinions, or accept that little bit of discomfort for as long as I live. Utahraptor: Discomfort? T-Rex: Yes! With my LIFE. Utahraptor: Hah! You're finally not sure if your days of INSATIABLY COMPELLING HEDONISM are all you want? T-Rex (punchline): Maybe! I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if maybe it'd be nice, and if I'm being - left behind? I don't know. I never wanted to be Canonically Adult before! Narrator: WHATEVER, T-REX! HERE'S ANOTHER TIME YOU WANTED TO BE CANONICALLY ADULT: Narrator: YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BUT WE COULD ALL TELL YOU WERE THINKING IT

talktoadog.com exists but it sucks and has nothing to do with talking to dogs, i tell you now only so your expectations won't reach the stratospheric heights mine did as you type in the url, only to have them come crashing down as the page loads, the sensation of dreams being crushed as familiar as the stock photo woman with the backpack's smile

T-Rex: Hello and welcome to TalkToADog.com. You are being connected to a dog! T-Rex: You are now connected to a dog! T-Rex: Your dog is a golden retriever. Please say hello! Dromiceiomimus: ...Hello? T-Rex: HELLO! I AM A GOLDEN RETRIEVER. I AM A DOG. Dromiceiomimus: Yes I would like a refund please. T-Rex: HELLO! I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND IN THAT AREA. Utahraptor: These are clearly just you talking funny, and not dogs at all! T-Rex: Well obviously! T-Rex: But I've studied dog personalities and used them to construct these custom "fursonas". For example, this golden retriever likes to pee outside and enjoys sniffing. Ask her if she likes sniffing. Utahraptor: I will not. T-Rex: Well it's your loss because she'll respond "YES, MOSTLY" T-Rex: "THERE ARE TIMES WHEN IT LOSES ITS CHARM, IF WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY HONEST" T-Rex: "LOL, IDK WHAT I WANT" T-Rex (punchline): "LOL"

GUYS i'm calling this one for t-rex. t-rex is the first one to apply the ''because seven ate nine'' joke on e, okay? TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND POPULAR CULTURE

T-Rex: I am jealous of physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN. T-Rex: Aaaand here's why! T-Rex: Dude made a joke about 762nd decimal place of pi! At that point, there's a sequence of six nines in a row, and his joke was that he'd like to memorize pi up to that point, so that when reciting it he could end with "9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9... and so on." Others had noticed it before but FEYNMAN was the first to make a joke about it, and now his joke is encoded into the very fabric of the universe! T-Rex: In base 10! Utahraptor: And that makes you irrationally jealous? T-Rex: Hells yes! T-Rex: Feynman has a JOKE encoded into pi - transcendental immortality in the circumference of a circle! That's something for the ol' resume, eh? Utahraptor: I guess! T-Rex: I'm gonna make my own universal constant joke now, and I'm gonna need you to tell people about it. T-Rex: So! Why do people start getting afraid at the 2501st digit of e? Because 7 8 9! T-Rex: There's a sequence of "789" that starts there, and it sounds like "seven ate nine"! T-Rex (punchline): This is definitely called "T-Rex's Hilarious e Joke", okay?

MY YEAR OF EATING DANGEROUSLY: "I barely chewed a lot of the time is all"

T-Rex: What o'clock is it? Oh my goodness, would you look at that. T-Rex: It's Stunt Autobiography O'Clock! T-Rex: I need to do something for a year and then write about it. Maybe I'll only purchase items I see advertised on television! Ooh, or maybe I'll treat my friends as if I rank my friends alphabetically, instead of by how rockin' they are! Dromiceiomimus: What if you only ate white-coloured things? T-Rex: Dude, that would exclude all chocolates! Dromiceiomimus: Not white chocolates. T-Rex: That would exclude all but the most cruel parodies of chocolates!! Utahraptor: Let's not rush into this! Utahraptor: Maybe you should, I don't know, figure out what you want to say about society before you decide on the stunt? T-Rex (punchline): "I did a thing and wrote it down! ...Pay me money now please?" Utahraptor: Keep trying! This is a chance to change society by changing yourself!! Book cover: [red Back To The Future font] MY YEAR OF NAPPING ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT Book cover: “Sometimes I just get real sleepy is the thing” Book cover: [black Back to the Future font] BOOK CONTENT AND COVER DESIGN BY ME, ?T-REX?

a great way to justify things to yourself is to say, 'well, it's better than murdering people' (this works for everything except murdering people, for which you have to find something worse, like for instance making fan videos where you set buffy clips to pop songs from the 80s)

T-Rex: I guess I shouldn't freak out too much about people smoking. I'm not sure if it's my place... I'll try to be more "cool" about it! T-Rex: Plus, I don't want to become a big old sanctimonious bastard! T-Rex: So, Dromiceiomimus! How long have you been smoking? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, I only smoke once in a while, and only when I've been drinking. T-Rex: Wait- you DRINK?! T-Rex: Am I a prude? Am I out of touch with the youth of today? Utahraptor: Maybe a little! Utahraptor: Not to say that smoking is great, but I too only smoke the occasional cigarette when I've been drinking! There's worse things I could be doing, like murders! T-Rex: I - I just would prefer it if you'd consider quitting the habit! T-Rex: That's right! T-Rex (punchline): I said it!

that double "i believe that" in panel 3 is intentional. i was going to have an infinite number of "i believe that"s there, but i ran out of space :(((

T-Rex: I bet that if I was absolutely, universally honest and never told anyone even a tiny lie again, I'd become the most popular and respected dude ever! I would probably become known as “Cap’n Honest”. T-Rex: Good thing anything that ends up with someone getting a new nickname is worth doing! T-Rex: So! Dromiceiomimus, assuming you and I share the same general reference point, a similar set of aesthetics, plus senses and ways of interpreting those senses that can be trusted, it appears to be a very pleasant day today! Dromiceiomimus: Yes it does, T-Rex! T-Rex: I believe that I believe that it may or may not be a nice day for stomping on things. Yes! Utahraptor: I fear this plan of absolute honesty is doomed to failure, my friend! T-Rex: You do? Utahraptor: I’m afraid so! You’ll either end up saying nothing at all, or run the risk of saying something that could be false when viewed from another perspective! Eventually you’ll end up saying an untruth to SOMEONE. T-Rex (punchline): Oh, it's true! The only viable solution is to never speak again! Narrator: T-REX NEVER SPEAKS AGAIN... IN THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYTHING IS CRAZY! Off panel: I'm wearing underpants on my head AND passing my driver's test! Off panel: Isn't that SO crazy??

Penny (from the Inspector Gadget cartoon!) is all grown up! But a run of bad luck in the game of love has inspired her to turn the tables and get people to come to her instead. After buying a moribund local business whose glory days were decades ago, Penny reinvents it for a new generation. She faces challenges from city hall and competitors who want to one-up her, but in the process, she'll save her town, her love life, and an entire industry. All thanks... to Penny Arcade.

T-Rex: A prison organizes a wilderness trip for its inmates, many of whom have never set foot outside the city. The inmates struggle with the basics of camping, but learn a lot from the land - and each other. Together, they build a... Narrator: T-REX'S AMAZING COMIC IDEAS T-Rex: Questionable Con Tent!! T-Rex: In the future, genetic engineering has finally achieved its ultimate goal: talking vegetables. Unfortunately, one vegetable doesn't just use its mouth for talking: it also hungers. It feeds. And it's discovered the joys of eating living flesh. This is the story of how it shares its newfound taste with the rest of the vegetable kingdom. This is the story of meat-based life brought to the brink of extinction. This is the story of... The Oat Meal. T-Rex: Star Industries is the most powerful multinational in the world! Utahraptor: Or was, anyway! T-Rex: When a scandal forces its founder, Jill Harka, from the lap of luxury and into the street, she's left with nothing but the clothes on her back, her wits, and her iron will. Now she must clear her family name while unravelling the conspiracy behind her fall. From the team behind Harka: Hostile Takeover comes the all-new Harka: Vagrant. Narrator: LATER, ALL OF THE DOMAIN NAMES T-REX WANTS FOR HIS NEW COMIC PROJECTS ARE TAKEN: T-Rex: FRRIIIIIG! I blame... EVERYONE. T-Rex (punchline): But especially cartoonists!!

IT'S AT LEAST BETTER THAN YOUR "MANY HINDUS BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION AND MANY CHRISTIANS DON'T, UM, PRETTY SURE THEY CAN'T BOTH BE RIGHT"

T-Rex: Hey God, I'm gonna make an amazing new slogan for religion, okay? Please respond like you think this is a bad idea if you'd actually like me to do this. God: WHAT T-Rex: Then it's settled! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay Dromiceiomimus, which do you like better? "Assuming God exists, he might want that acknowledged on a weekly basis!", or "Religion! Well, It's Been Around For A While"? Dromiceiomimus: I like them both! T-Rex: Amazing! I feel the same way!! Utahraptor: These slogans are extremely - equivocal? T-Rex: The word you're looking for is "defensible"! T-Rex: Nobody can argue them. Utahraptor, I've invented nothing less than arguments for religion that can never be disputed by atheists! Utahraptor: But you're not saying anything beyond "Given certain assumptions, religion sounds okay"! T-Rex: THAT, my friend, is an excellent slogan. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: So! What do you think of my final slogan? God: YOU REFER TO "THERE ARE LIKE A BILLION DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, SO, YOU KNOW, KEEP THAT IN MIND I GUESS" T-Rex (punchline): I know!! It is almost TOO amazing!

someone feels bad about their PULCHRITUDE

T-Rex: It's Tuesday, everyone! Let's talk about our bodies!! T-Rex: Wooooo T-Rex: Okay, my body is big AND tall AND it has many hidden surprises. I wonder which one YOU'LL discover next? Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who describes their own body as "surprising". T-Rex: It's not "Oh gosh oh gosh I didn't know that smell could exist" 24/7! There's good surprises too! Utahraptor: You really think your body is perfect, don't you? T-Rex: Honestly, I don't see any flaws! Utahraptor: Really? Because if you had wings on your back, that would look incredible in this amazing death metal sort of way, and they might even give you limited flight abilities. I'd say that's MORE perfect! I'd say it's so much more perfect, in fact, that their absence becomes an almost palpable flaw. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: [imagines having purple bat-like wings] T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I used to be better at imagination

turns out in Canada a GIC is a "Guaranteed Investment Certificate" while in the US a GIC is a "Guaranteed Investment Contract". As a young, awesome dude who likes to skateboard, I knew neither of these things and had to look them up. I looked them up for YOU, the READER (presumably also a skateboarder??)

T-Rex: Let's say I, oh, I don't know, COMMITED A CRIME BECAUSE I'M A MASTER CRIMINAL?? T-Rex: And let's say I, oh, I don't know, SLIPPED UP AND GOT CAUGHT?? T-Rex: And let's further go on to say that, oh, I don't know, the crime I pulled off was really minor like parking in a spot without paying a machine enough to park there for that long?? Dromiceiomimus: Weeeeaaaaaaaaaak T-Rex: ANYWAY the moral ofthe story, DROMICEIOMIMUS, is it turns out everyone who gets caught has to pay the same fine! Utahraptor: So! Pay up, Moriarty! T-Rex: But it's unfair! T-Rex: I can afford this fine just fine, but for someone who's struggling, it could mean they don't eat that week! And if I were super loaded, fines would mean almost nothing to me and I could park like a super jerk 24/7! Fines should be scaled to income. Utahraptor: 0.01% of your income last month? T-Rex: Sure! Off panel: But suppose your income is mainly in non-liquid assets not easily accessed such as bonds or multi-year GICs? T-Rex: Depending on repayment sch- wait oh my GOD WHAT HAPPENED ARE WE SERIOUSLY HAVING A CONVERSATION ABOUT GICS?? T-Rex: WHEN T-Rex: DID T-Rex: WE T-Rex (punchline): GET OLD

they trade back a few seconds later, and t-rex is miffed because he was JUST figuring out the controls >:|

God: T-REX YOU KNOW THOSE STORIES WHERE A PAUPER AND A PRINCE TRADE PLACES TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE LIKE SOMEONE ELSE T-Rex: Yes! INTIMATELY. God: OKAY God: SO DO YOU WANT TO DO IT T-Rex: Heck yes! God: I MEAN DO YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH ME AND WE CAN TRADE BACK IF IT SUCKS God: YOU CAN BE GOD AND I CAN BE A PROFESSIONAL - God: LISTEN WHAT IS IT YOU DO ANYWAY T-Rex: I am a professional sweet dude!! God: REALLY T-Rex: Yep! Professional grade ultra sweet dudeness, right here. Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: Utahraptor, GREAT NEWS. God and I are going to trade places! Utahraptor: Wow. What could possibly go wrong? T-Rex: Nothing, assuming that you were sincere in your otherwise rhetorical question!! Narrator: AND SO: T-Rex: AW GROSS T-Rex: GROSS T-Rex (punchline): T-REX'S MOUTH TASTES LIKE T-REX SPIT

i'm stressed out just THINKING about having to build a working car out of cardboard! aw man. shit

T-Rex: There's a lot I don't know about being a professional chef. There's a lot I don't know about a lot of things! Narrator: T-REX IN: THERE'S A LOT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT STUFF Dromiceiomimus: What do you know about building a car out of cardboard, T-Rex? T-Rex: Does it have to work? Dromiceiomimus: Yes. T-Rex: Nothing! Oh man, I wouldn't even know where to start! Utahraptor: Okay, what about the principles of semiconductors? T-Rex: I know they conduct... semi-well? Utahraptor: There's a lot you don't know about semiconductors too! T-Rex: Oh, it's true! I'll probably NEVER know everything about everything at this rate. Time to fall back to Plan B! Narrator: T-REX IN: THERE'S A LOT I DO KNOW ABOUT ME T-Rex: Looks like I'm still the world authority on myself, everyone! Go ahead! T-Rex (punchline): Ask me ANYTHING.

introduce this into your vocabulary, please

T-Rex: I'm really looking forward to the little soirée I've got lined up for tonight... T-Rex: Party at my house!! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: Hey, are you still in for tonight? Dromiceiomimus: I'm sorry, T-Rex, but something came up. But say "hi" to everyone for me! T-Rex: Oh, that's too bad. Well, some other time! Utahraptor: I'm totally pumped for the party tonight, T-Rex! T-Rex: Great! T-Rex: The only downside is that the Dromiceiomimus won't be able to come. Utahraptor: But she was the only woman you invited, wasn't she? T-Rex: SHIT! She was! T-Rex: Why do my parties always turn into one big Oktoberfest? Off panel: "Oktoberfest"? T-Rex (punchline): Beer and sausages!

An alternate ending had Easy Pickins stop by in panel six because he thought he heard his name. T-Rex said, 'NO, I wasn't talking about you, OR your brother Slim.' and Easy, well... I guess you'll just have to switch timelines to find out.

T-Rex: Island gigantism is a pretty okay form of evolution. T-Rex: It's okay. Narrator: ISLAND GIGANTISM COMICS T-Rex: So what happens here is you've got a population that's isolated on an island, but you have plenty of food and no predators! So smaller animals like birds and rodents that normally had to stay tiny to avoid being eaten are free from that constraint, and so they can evolve to be enormous. Giant turtles! Giant cockroaches! Giant birds! The dodo started out as a pigeon. Utahraptor: And now, all the dodos are dead! T-Rex: And now, all the dodos are dead. T-Rex: That's depressing, eh? It's the problem with island gigantism: as soon as we discover the island, we tend to either eat all the animals ourselves, or introduce new predators that find these trusting giants to be EASY PICKINS. Utahraptor: Yep! It's too bad. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Mr Tusks, do you ever get depressed thinking about all the animals we've made extinct? Off panel: [small] I guess I get a... TINY bit depressed, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Oh, Mr. Tusks! How do you always know just what to say?

what you can't see in the last panel are t-rex's thoughts, which are transcribed (verbatim) as "aw man! the one time i didn't pick 'boner'."

God: T-REX PICK A WORD ANY WORD BUT MAKE SURE IT'S A NOUN OKAY T-Rex: Done! God: OKAY WHAT WORD IS IT T-Rex: I'll never say!! T-Rex: I've read Greek myths, man! I know you guys are all about SNEAKY TRICKS and IRONY and MORALITY TALES in which dudes get wicked punishment for BASICALLY no reason. I don't want to be in any noun-based morality tales! Not unless the moral is "T-Rex Is The Best, Holy Cow You Guys." God: HEY GUESS WHO'S NOT A GREEK GOD God: I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT God: YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM AND HE'S AWESOME God: ALSO HE'S ME Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: God wants a noun! Utahraptor: And you're not giving it to him? T-Rex: I was accusing him of the whole "ironic punishment" Greek God thing. But he's not so bad! I give him a hard time sometimes. T-Rex: Hey God! You want my word? Here it is! T-Rex (punchline): "Meritocracy". God: FINALLY HERE'S YOUR MADLIB God: SALLY COULDN'T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF HER MERITOCRACY God: I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED

BECAUSE I WANT IN

T-Rex: I like it when people say something like "For some reason, the lightbulbs fell off the counter". T-Rex: It reassures us that we live in a logical universe where effect does not precede cause!! T-Rex: We need more sayings that include stealth universal laws! Dromiceiomimus: "As entropy cannot decrease in a closed system, I found a hole in my socks"? T-Rex: "As objects in motion tend to remain in motion, I tripped down the stairs"? Dromiceiomimus: "As every action has an equal and opposite reaction, I tripped down the stairs again, owie"? Utahraptor: These are baby laws! T-Rex: They took hundreds of years to figure out! Utahraptor: They're still baby laws! Utahraptor: I want an expression like "I burned my mouth on that friggn' pizza, thanks to [the integral form of Fourier's law]!" T-Rex: WHOAH!! T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: THE HECK T-Rex (punchline): IS GOING ON WITH YOUR MOUTH

"put your hands on / your hips then on / your face then say / i've danced this hour away"

T-Rex: What's the one song that the most people will hear the most often in their lives? The Probable Worldwide Most Listened To Record Holder? I'll give you a hint: it was composed like 200 years ago! T-Rex: And we still listen to it super often today, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Hmm... that eliminates Deee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart", since they weren't invented like 200 years ago. T-Rex: Yep, though that is a good song, as well as instructional as to the whereabouts of groove. No, it's the Westminster Chimes - the tune you hear on basically every clock that tolls the hour! If you own one or live within earshot of one, you hear it every 15 minutes and the full version each hour! Utahraptor: That's not a real song though! T-Rex: Utahraptor, that's SONG RACISM! It is too a real song. T-Rex: And I'm sorry there's no ELECTRIC GUITARS in it, but when it was composed everyone was dealing with them not being invented yet. "Let's just use church bells," they said. "They weigh literal tons. That's the max bad-ass we can be in this era." ALSO: it has lyrics. Utahraptor: Really? What are they? T-Rex: "Oh, Lord our God / Be thou our guide / That by thy help / No foot may slide." T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): It's basically the worst instructional dance ever

merry christmas!

Narrator: WE JOIN OUR STORY AS T-REX IS RELAYING DUMB STORIES HE'S HEARD AND BELIEVES TO BE TRUE. T-Rex: Time to educate my peers... through the medium of incredibly true facts! T-Rex: Hello Dromiceiomimus! Did YOU know that if you held your eyes open when you sneezed, they could pop out? Pop! Dromiceiomimus: Really? That seems pretty improbable, since I know that eyelids closing is just incidental to the sneezing refl- T-Rex: It's true!! They could just pop out like CRAZY. Utahraptor: Hey, are you going around telling people stories? T-Rex: True stories! FACTS! Want to hear one? Utahraptor: These wouldn't happen to be URBAN LEGENDS, would they, T-Rex? T-Rex: Of course not! Ha ha! So, um... here's a fun fact about trumpet players: each saves the contents of their spit valve in a mason jar, and chugs it at the end of the year! T-Rex (punchline): I don't know why!

T-REX STARS IN: T-REX'S BUSY AFTERNOON

T-Rex: What if - what if I started my OWN cargo cult? God: NO THAT IS NOT ALLOWED T-Rex: Aw man! You say that for ALL the awesome stuff. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: What if I put chocolate sauce in my iced tea? God: DON'T DO IT T-Rex: I'm gonna!! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: What if I started my OWN waterslide, but put a fine layer of gasoline on top, and then lit it, so that when you slide you could slide through FIRE (EXTREME!!), but then if it got too hot, you'd just have to go underwater to "cool down"? God: NO T-Rex: I'd give you a FREE pass! God: GONNA HAVE TO STICK WITH NOPERS HERE Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex (punchline): What if I made... carbonated CARBON? Utahraptor: That's a terrible idea! Utahraptor: It doesn't even make sense. If you carbonate a solid the best you're gonna get is a solid with carbon dioxide bubbles in it. And if you've done that you've probably come up with Swiss cheese, so upon closer inspection I think this is a great idea as I would actually like some Swiss cheese, please. God: CAN I GET SOME TOO

rate all of spider-man's powers from 1 to 10, one being "would very much not like to have", 5 being "indifferent", and 10 being "would very much like to have"? I HAVE BUT ONE QUESTION, MR. PHONE SURVEY WORKER: are we assuming a prescient spider-sense or what?

T-Rex: Surveys are kinda baloney, you guys! They're kinda phoney baloney to the ultimate max. T-Rex: And I'm not one to say things like that often!! T-Rex: Say there's a survey about applesauce: like most dudes, I don't really have APPLESAUCE OPINIONS, so I'm probably not going to answer a whole survey about it! But if I were big into applesauce (or big AGAINST applesauce) I'd be way more into answering the survey. The result is that surveys overrepresent extreme viewpoints, because the only people completing surveys are those INTERESTED in doing so. Utahraptor: The apathetic ARE typically underrepresented in surveys. T-Rex: Precisely, my friend! T-Rex: Surveys get people with opinions, and the bored, and the lonely. But not the apathetic and the jerkasses! You know what jerkasses do when some stranger calls up and asks them questions? Utahraptor: Hang up the phone? T-Rex: Utahraptor T-Rex: [small] sometimes they curse first T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): That's why they're jerkasses!

ben emailed me asking when I wrote "dinosaur comics returns monday, with CHUCKLES!" if I meant that i'd be added a new character, called "Chuckles", today. I thought that was awesome, so the director offscreen in panel 6 is officially called "Ben Chuckles". take a bow, mr. chuckles!

Narrator: HELPFUL TIPS FOR ESSAY WRITING T-Rex: Students! Are you having trouble writing essays? Maybe they're a little short? T-Rex: Maybe just a little? T-Rex: Well then, here are some friggin' tips!! T-Rex: Okay, so everyone knows about making margins wide and using a big font, but teachers know that one too. They see it and they think "Come on, you can do better," and then they uncap their red pens and write "You could use some friggin' tips!" all over your cover page. Dromiceiomimus: Has that ever happened to you? T-Rex: Nope! But that's because *I* happen to use a little friggin' thing called "tips"! Utahraptor: So let's hear these tips then! T-Rex: Prepare yourself to be friggin' tipped, my friend! Off panel: CUT! Off panel: I'm sorry, but we don't think you're right for the role. We're really looking for an actor who doesn't add "friggin'" to each of his lines. T-Rex: Well then! T-Rex (punchline): It looks like YOU'VE got the wrong friggin' guy!!

really disappointed i wrote a comic involving hats that did not involve the word "haberdashery", not sure what i should now do to fix things, not sure if they can even be fixed

T-Rex: I am a man who doesn't know a lot of basic things about himself. I barely know what colour my eyes are! T-Rex: O- Orange? Deep saffron? GAMBOGE? T-Rex: But there's tons of other stuff I've never bothered to memorize too! What's my blood type? Social insurance number? Hat size? The thing is, Dromiceiomimus, responding "Yes please" on a questionnaire only works for SOME of these questions. Dromiceiomimus: So memorize them, T-Rex! You're an adult now. Your hat size isn't going to change. T-Rex: You know what? She's right! I should memorize these things. Utahraptor: I agree! Utahraptor: I can see not knowing them as a child, but if you're going to be an adult, you need to know at least some of this stuff. T-Rex: Well, I'm going to be an adult, Utahraptor! I'm going to memorize ALL SORTS of useful facts about my body! Narrator: LATER: T-REX HAS FAILED TO MEMORIZE ANY NEW FACTS ABOUT HIMSELF T-Rex: Whatever, dudes!! T-Rex (punchline): I decided I wanted life to have some mystery

the logo for antisolipsism is a giant dragon with rpgs for arms parachuting in from space. it has no connection to the idea but it will be fun to draw.

T-Rex: The opposite of solipsism (where you believe you are the only real person who is imagining a universe) is antisolipsism, in which you believe everyone is real except you! I may have just made this up. Anyway! T-Rex: You believe you're totally fake! T-Rex: You're just a sustained figment of everyone else's imagination. The only issue with THAT is how everyone is imagining the same dude at the same time so well. Dromiceiomimus: Perhaps they're imagining different things, but whenever anyone imagines you, they also imagine you up a whole universe, history and consistent sense of self! T-Rex: Perhaps! Utahraptor: Or perhaps it's just one person doing the imagining! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: If you buy into solipsism, then what are the odds you're the chosen one? Maybe there's some actual solipsist who really IS the only real thing going, and they're imagining everything for you, even when you're not around. What a card, huh? What a crazy dude! Utahraptor: That's what I'm saying! T-Rex: If you believe one person can imagine a universe, you have to believe they can imagine your thoughts too, and then you've got no reason to believe you're real! Off panel: Let's go tell a solipsist, and then punch him, and then say "Stop imagining punching yourself!" T-Rex (punchline): Then: ice cream!

honestly, when it comes to the number of burgers inside my body right now, who's counting

T-Rex: The number of hamburgers in my body is probably around 3. That's a 'thr' followed by two 'e's! T-Rex: Guys! T-Rex: That's an acceptable amount of friggin' burgers! T-Rex: But to compare, the number of burgers in the universe is EVEN MORE. Let's lowball it and say it's at least a million right now: that's one followed by six zeroes! And that means that the percentage of the burgers in the universe right now that are INSIDE ME is... zero point Dromiceiomimus: zero T-Rex: zero Utahraptor: zero T-Rex: three! Utahraptor: Are we sure there's a million burgers on the planet? That seems a little high. T-Rex: Really? I thought it was low. People put hamburgers in warehouses, right? Burger warehouses? Utahraptor: I guess? T-Rex: ...anyway, this leads us nicely into my new business card slogan: T-Rex: HELLO! I ATE THREE BURGERS TODAY! T-Rex (punchline): "IT'S A START"

i hesitate to release the idea of preemptive plagiarism onto the internet, lest it be discovered that it has been preemptively plagiarized! :0

T-Rex: So gravity happens because matter bends spacetime and blah blah blah. But dudes, I had a crazy idea! What if instead of gravity being a property of matter, it was a property of the ENTIRE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE? T-Rex: Have all minds within the sound of my voice become COMPLETELY AND IRREVOCABLY BLOWN?? T-Rex: So check it: the universe is suffused with tiny invisible particles that travel in equal intensity from all directions. So if you were alone in the universe, you'd be hit equally from all directions and nothing would happen. But if there's a planet in front of you, then any particles coming from its direction are going to hit it instead and not you! So you're no longer in balance, and particles coming from BEHIND you will push you towards the planet. Utahraptor: And YOU'RE blocking a much smaller number of particles from hitting the planet, so it'll move a little towards you! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: It's a fun theory, but if you're absorbing particles all the time, shouldn't you be gaining mass? T-Rex: No, because they're - massless? Utahraptor: Ah, so you'd be absorbing energy then. T-Rex: They're - energyless as well? Narrator: SOON, T-REX FINDS OUT THAT HIS GRAVITATIONAL THEORY HAS ALREADY BEEN PROPOSED BACK IN THE YEAR 1690! T-Rex: Everyone in the past needs to stop preemptively plagiarizing my ideas! T-Rex (punchline): I keep saying that but it keeps happening! It's total crap!!

i think the utahraptor was setting himself up for a joke in the second-last panel, but then the t-rex became all self-absorbed so we never got to hear the utahraptor's punchline. THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

T-Rex: So - wait. What am I out for? I remember meaning to pick something up, but now I can't remember what! T-Rex: Was it batteries, maybe? T-Rex: Why am I here? Dromiceiomimus: Well T-Rex, I think you're here - as I think we're all here - in order to make the world a better place. That is the purpose of life, I believe! T-Rex: [thinks] I actually meant my question in the most basic sense, but I want to appear deep. I'd better act angsty and play along. T-Rex: Oh, my existential angst! Is there no happiness without knowledge of purpose? Utahraptor: Hey, I'm happy! Utahraptor: This is because I believe we're here in order to be witness to Creation. What greater purpose could there be, than to be the eyes and ears and souls of a Universe? T-Rex: Ha ha, yeah, that sounds good! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] So - heck. Batteries?

T-REX CAN YOU BUY A HOUSE AND A TV AND A CONSOLE AND ELECTRICAL SERVICE THEN I CAN COME OVER

Devil: T-REX HAVE YOU ACQUIRED ANY NEW VIDEO GAME CONSOLES OF LATE T-Rex: Nope! Devil: THAT IS A COLOSSALLY STAGGERING DISAPPOINTMENT T-Rex: Man, you're the Devil - buy your own video games! You must have "Hellbux™" or something! Devil: YES BUT DUE TO CONTINUED FISCAL MISMANAGEMENT I HAVE FEW REMAINING HELLBUX AND CAN ONLY AFFORD TO EMULATE CLASSIC GAMES ON MY CLASSIC COMPUTER Devil: I HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF SNES ROMS Devil: ALSO Devil: FREE TIME T-Rex: Okay! Good to know! Devil: SO CAN YOU BUY A CONSOLE AND THEN I CAN COME OVER T-Rex: Aw, come on. No! Utahraptor: No what? Devil: I CAN ASSURE YOU OF GOOD TIMES AND FURTHER OF MY PROCURING OF BRAND-NAME POTATO CHIPS T-Rex: One sec, Utahraptor. FINE. If I ever get a new video game console you can come over and play video games on it. ONCE. Utahraptor: Sweet! Devil: SWEET Narrator: LATER: Devil: T-REX THIS INTELLIVISION IS OLDER THAN MY GRANDMOTHER T-Rex (punchline): You have a grandmother?! How does that fit into Judeo-Christian normative beliefs? Devil: IT IS GOING TO BE A SURPRISE

utahraptor i need you to tell me some vin diesel cat riddles to cheer me up ASAP okay??

T-Rex: Alright guys, I'll go right out and say it. We could all use a little SEXUAL TENSION all up ons! T-Rex: "All up ons" is slang that means "around here or whatever"!, just FYI! T-Rex: And "just FYI" is slang that means "just Friggin' Yell It", which means "please excuse my minced oath, but listen to what I have said and repeat it at full volume". Dromiceiomimus: ...Sexual tension? T-Rex: Yes! We need some! It's what everyone wants! Utahraptor: Who's everyone? T-Rex: Everyone! T-Rex: When you watch TV you yell "It'd be SUPER AMAZING if the two leads were always about to kiss and then someone knocks on the door, or one of them says 'We can't' and bites their knuckle!" That could be us! Utahraptor: I do often yell that at TVs. T-Rex: See? I'm wielding a truth bayonet over here! T-Rex: I'm dropping truth bombs, and NOW I'm laying truth mines! They're diabolical machines that will keep exploding truth long after we and everyone we know is dead and gone. They're - they're just terrible. T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor I made myself sad!!

"disney/time-warner" is dinosaur slang which roughly translated means "y'all"

T-Rex: I like movies where there's some magic and then the next morning two people wake up inside each other's bodies! God: GROSS T-Rex: No, I mean like - their consciousnesses have switched places! God: OH OKAY COOL T-Rex: But what I don't like is when they get out of bed and look in a mirror and only THEN do they realize something's wrong. It's ridiculous! T-Rex: You're intimately familiar with the size and shape of your own body: you're not going to NOT NOTICE when it changes. I doubt you'd even be able to get out of bed without falling down, your feet hitting the ground in unexpected ways. Utahraptor: Your center of gravity would be all messed up too! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: It takes us MONTHS to learn to walk, and that's just for one body! Change all the variables at once and there's no way. Heck, if breathing wasn't automatic I'd expect we'd all suffocate to death as soon as we switched! Utahraptor: These certainly are valid objections to a magical event that has never occurred. T-Rex: I know, right? To be fair, I do like it when they all gain a new understanding of each other at the end. Just show me several hours of them flopping around on the floor like fish first! T-Rex (punchline): SCIENCE DEMANDS IT, DISNEY/TIME-WARNER

welcome to my bold new genre of HORROR EDUTAINMENT, let's all get so scared we educate our pants

T-Rex: A SPOOKY GHOST STORY, by me, T-Rex. T-Rex: One day an alive woman died! THE END. T-Rex: OR WAS IT?? T-Rex: Duh, it's not the end! She became a spooky ghost! T-Rex: But unlike most ghosts who haunt their descendants, SHE became a ghost in the medieval past. She haunted her ancestors! She'd say things like "Woooo in the future we'll have cell phones" and her ancestors would say "Is that English? I can barely recognize it. It sounds so different to our more throaty, Scottish-sounding phonology". T-Rex: "Furthermore, we employ over twelve forms of 'the' and she only uses one!" Utahraptor: Aw no. T-Rex: "And when she writes us ghostly notes, she uses letters unfamiliar to us and avoids letters we use like thorne and yogh. Communication is difficult, if not impossible." Utahraptor: T-Rex this isn't scary at all! I'm LEARNING instead of being TERRIFIED. Utahraptor: SCARE ME, PLEASE. T-Rex: FINE. Someone shouts "Whoah, now she's pulling off her face and there's a writhing pile of worms underneath!" Off panel: NICE T-Rex (punchline): "Also she uses singular and plural noun forms, but WE also have one for 'double'!" Off panel: AW GEEZ

i'm sorry chet. i mean, i like you and all, but this is a PASSABLY erotic chest section at best.

T-Rex: Some words are shorthands for longer words or phrases that we no longer use. T-Rex: For example, "factory" is short for "manufactory"! T-Rex: Incredible, no? And when we say "pecs", we're actually saying the short form of "pectoral muscles"! Dromiceiomimus: What? I thought they were called "pecs" because it stands for "Pretty Erotic Chest Section"!! T-Rex: Language is even more amazing than we suspected! Utahraptor: My mind's being blown over here! T-Rex: Well prop it up, 'cause it's gonna be blown even harder! T-Rex: "Adult" is short for "adult baby", but the long form is rarely used because it makes everyone sound dumb. "In a democracy, adult babies elect a set of adult babies to lead them, usually represented by the head of state: a single adult baby." T-Rex (punchline): THIS IS WHAT WE SOUND LIKE TO OTHER ADULT BABIES!! Narrator: THIS COMIC WAS WRITTEN BY AN ADULT BABY FOR AN ADULT BABY AUDIENCE. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR ALL BABIES, INCLUDING PROTOADULT BABIES AND SOME TWEEN BABIES. Narrator: THE END

no wait, the best dates are the ones where the cops yell "nevermind! we have no jurisdiction in this area!!" at you

Narrator: HOW TO ASK SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE T-Rex: Asking folks out is EASY. But first, you need to find someone you find super attractive! T-Rex: CHECK. T-Rex: And now that you've met me, you need to figure out what I'm into. Come up with something I can't resist! Do I like movies? Dancing? Eating burgers until I've eaten ALL the burgers? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, do you want to go out with me this weekend? I thought we could go on a hot air balloon ride, eat all the burgers, and then PARACHUTE OUR WAY HOME. T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: Holy crap YES. T-Rex: This is what I'm talking about!! This is going to be the best date ever IN TIME. Utahraptor: It may be illegal though! T-Rex: Man, who's going to catch us? There's no such thing as SKY POLICE, Utahraptor. Laws don't extend more than 100 meters off the ground anyway. Utahraptor: Sometimes I wonder where you get your facts from. Discredited children's books? That's my current theory. Utahraptor: ...Is it discredited children's books? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! You know what? T-Rex (punchline): The best dates are the ones where, even if you get arrested, you're still totally gonna do it again.

HOW DID CHERYL "SALT" JAMES, SANDRA "PEPA" DENTON AND DJ DEIDRA "SPINDERELLA" ROPER KNOW

T-Rex: We say "Let's party!!" all the time, but when we say "Let us party!!" it sounds hella formal! T-Rex: "Let's" is a crazy contraction, you guys! T-Rex: Other contractions sound a little formal when uncontracted ("You will definitely love this" versus "You'll definitely love this"), but "let's" is INSANE! "Dudes! Let us now gobble these sausages!" Are we KINGS and PRINCES? T-Rex: In summary and in conclusion, "let's" is contracted SO RELIABLY that it seems like a big affectation to use "let us" as separate words. Utahraptor: So let us break that association by no longer contracting it! T-Rex: Let us see how that goes, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: I think that this has been successful so far. Let us continue this experiment! T-Rex: Let us! Incidentally, my favourite Salt-N-Pepa song is "Let Us Talk About Sex". Utahraptor: Let us listen to it right now! Off panel: Let us talk about sex, baby / Let us talk about you and me / Let us talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be / Let us talk about sex T-Rex: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOW'D THEY KNOW WHAT WE WERE DOING T-Rex: I'VE HAD THAT TAPE FOR TEN YEARS T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOD

well met!!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for keeping all my wicked sweet opinions to myself! I will keep my own counsel. T-Rex: *gasp* Narrator: the end Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what's up? You seem kinda - silent! T-Rex: That's because I am! T-Rex: I am keeping all my awesome rad opinions to myself today. Utahraptor: Oh. Why? T-Rex: Things were just going that way! But who knows what tomorrow will bring for me, T-Rex? Narrator: TOMORROW: T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for eating hobosnacks! Hobosnacks are snacks for hobos. I think they're commercially marketed as "Cheetos"! Off panel: This is a laundromat, sir! T-Rex (punchline): Indeed!!

like most members of the animal kingdom, the majestic t-rex became ornery when forced to make stops because if they focused they could BE THERE already

T-Rex: When going on road trips (woo!), there are two kinds of drivers! The first kind of driver is: Narrator: THE NEVER-STOP: Off panel: But I need to pee! T-Rex: NEVER Narrator: THE SCENIC ROUTER: Dromiceiomimus: Isn't this a great farmer's market, T-Rex? Aren't you glad we stopped? T-Rex: Oh my god, Dromiceiomimus T-Rex: Never have I been so bored by corn Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, what are you doing here? T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR? T-Rex: I didn't expect to find you at a farmer's market. You like corn? Utahraptor: Well, I like fresh vegetables, including corn. T-Rex: Excuse me, but what's that noise? Is it SOMEHOW the sound of you becoming EXTREMELY BORING?? T-Rex: [small] beewooowoooooooooo T-Rex (punchline): OH MY GOD I THINK IT IS

all the great actors ask if it was okay after a shot

T-Rex: Okay - um, okay! T-Rex: "I-I've been awakened by nuclear testing!" um T-Rex: "Rawr!" T-Rex: "Oh boy, I see in the distance a villag- CITY that I can destroy!" T-Rex: "Look out humanity! For I embody... um... Off panel: [small] Post-war nuclear paranoia! T-Rex: Right, right! "LOOK OUT, humanity! I embody post-war nuclear paranoia!" T-Rex: [small] Was that okay? Utahraptor: Cut! Cut, cut, cut! T-Rex: What? That was perfect! Utahraptor: It was awful! Look, I know you're trying your best, and you're my friend, T-Rex, but you didn't even memorize your lines! T-Rex: I did! Utahraptor: You didn't! Look, it's my movie, and I'm going to put the Dromiceiomimus in the lead. T-Rex (punchline): WHAT

this is the point where dinosaur comics starts a wizard-centric reversal. up next! wizards: WHAT ARE THEY THINKING??

T-Rex: You know what can kill me? T-Rex: Wizards! T-Rex: Water wizards AND fire wizards AND sand wizards AND wizards both air and space, not to mention all sorts of wizard spells that can become terminal. Also not to mention all the other sorts of hexes, curses and dark magic carried by POTENTIALLY EVERY WIZARD I HAVE AND WILL EVER MEET. T-Rex: BROS: ALL THESE THINGS CAN KILL ME, BROS. Utahraptor: Experimenting with wizardchondria? T-Rex: Flirting with it, anyway! Utahraptor: Well, remember that everybody's got to die of something, and a lot of the reason these wizards are getting a chance is that we've beaten or imprisoned so many that would've otherwise killed you long ago. Heck, 1000 years ago you'd be way more likely to die from Too Many Chomps From A Tiger Wizard than anything else! T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor, that is very compelling! In fact I have nothing more to say on the matter except that I for one continue to fear all wizards. T-Rex and off panel: AS SHOULD WE ALL

the sub-subtitle is "WHERE ARE YOUR VAMPIRES NOW"

T-Rex: My new book is a collection of fairy tales. T-Rex: A collection of SCIENCE FICTION fairy tales, that is!! T-Rex: For example, Cinderella is exactly as it was before, only now Prince Charming has access to an advanced computer SO AMAZING that parts of it can exist only in hyperspace! Dromiceiomimus: And he uses it to find his true love? T-Rex: What? No, he doesn't know how to use it. I told you, the plot is exactly as it was before. This awesome stuff is all in the background! T-Rex: And in Little Red Riding Hood, there's robot suits! Utahraptor: Used to fight the wolf? T-Rex: How old is Little Red Riding Hood, like, four? Six? She wouldn't know how to operate one. Besides, their interiors are scaled for adults. No, she proceeds as she normally does. Utahraptor: These sound really bad. T-Rex: Hello? Bad is the new totally totally sweet! T-Rex: I call my tales, "Stories To Make You Say 'Why Don't These Characters Just Use A Phaser, Man, There's Clearly A Phaser In The Background There'" T-Rex (punchline): The subtitle is "Look At It, I Think It's The Kind From Star Trek"!

later: CLEARLY reluctant double high fives

T-Rex: I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! T-Rex: Much like... most things? T-Rex: I guess if there was some religious beliefs that one person had and the other didn't, it could lead to tension, but relationships are about compromise, right? But if someone, say, adopts the actions of a religion as a compromise, but not the beliefs behind it, isn't that just going through the motions, which isn't really what most religions are about? Utahraptor: I guess a lot of it depends on the faith of the people involved, T-Rex! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Well, if you REALLY believe that by not sharing your religion, your partner is harming himself somehow (i.e., condemning himself to a sucky afterlife), then you'd want to help him out, right? I could see that leading to tension, since there's not much room for movement there unless one of you softens your views. T-Rex: That's true! Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me. Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided?? Off panel: I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): Man! Don' leave me hangin'!!

haha yeah there's definitely a stereotypical male fantasy in panel three. women! there's no time for talking about feelings now! we're doing SCIENCE!

T-Rex: I wonder what it's like to break up with somebody over the phone. There's one way to find out! Narrator: IT WILL ALL END IN HEARTBREAK Narrator: a comic T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, pretend that we're dating and talking on the phone, and I'll break up with you, okay? Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, actually that's something I'm not very clear on. Are we dating? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! There's no time for talking about FEELINGS now. We're doing an experiment! T-Rex: Man, nevermind! Utahraptor: Hey, what's going on? Can I help? T-Rex: YES! Yes, Utahraptor, pretend we're dating and I'll break up with you over the phone. Utahraptor: Okay! T-Rex: "Hello? Hello? I'd like to break up with Utahraptor." Utahraptor: "Sorry!! Wrong number!" Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: SOME UNEXPECTED SUCCESS. T-Rex (punchline): Man! LET'S GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME. I dial the CORRECT number, call you, and try to break up, okay? Off panel: T-Rex - I don't think it's working out.

and you thought there wouldn't be any actual programming advice in the comic. for shame!

Narrator: T-REX IN: PROGRAMMING ADVICE T-Rex: Are you having trouble programming your computer? T-Rex: Let me give you a few pointers! Dromiceiomimus: Ooh, ouch. Was that a bad pun? T-Rex: It was an... indirect reference? Dromiceiomimus: I suspect that these are all bad puns! T-Rex: Don't worry - they're the least significant bit of my speech. Oh ho! Narrator: JOKES EXPLAINED: Utahraptor: Aren't pointers programming tools, T-Rex? T-Rex: They are! T-Rex: They allow one to reference the address of data, instead of the data itself. It's like how knowing someone's phone number lets you get in touch with them personally! Hence the delightful "indirect reference" pun. Utahraptor: I too think these are pretty awful. Narrator: CONCLUSION: T-Rex (punchline): Everyone! Program harder!!

past me you gotta do me a solid here

Narrator: LISTEN, IT'S TIME TO ACT LIKE AN ADULT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Holy crap! How are you not acting like an adult already?! T-Rex: You're [INSERT RECIPIENT'S AGE HERE]!! T-Rex: Maybe it's no longer cute that you leave your dirty dishes piling up on the counter, huh? Maybe you're at an age where your friends should be able to expect a certain base level of stability from you in your relationships? Maybe there comes a time when you pay your bills before you spend the money on fun stuff? T-Rex: Maybe, huh? Dromiceiomimus: Doesn't that sound nice? Utahraptor: Adults also don't get so wasted that they literally cannot remember what/who they did last night! T-Rex: Also true! T-Rex: Man - maybe acting like an adult would be nice for a change, recipient of this card! Utahraptor: Maybe if you PRETEND to be an adult for long enough, you'll fool all of us, even yourself! T-Rex and Utahraptor: It's worth a try!! Narrator: UPDATE: T-Rex: Hey, how come everyone keeps trying to email this card to themselves?! T-Rex: MORE SPECIFICALLY: T-Rex (punchline): How come everyone keeps trying to email this card to themselves eight hours in the past

a public service

T-Rex: Let's say you're a dude who is having trouble with, to put it delicately, too much poo. And you think, "I'm going to take some medicine and put this issue to bed!" Excellent idea, rhetorical dude!! T-Rex: PS: I was actually this rhetorical dude! T-Rex: So I go to the pharmacy and get some fiber supplements because the side of the box says that they "promote regularity", which sounds good to me! But it turns out that fiber only makes things worse! IT TURNS OUT, fiber is actually the last thing you want to take when you have a too much poo problem already! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, fiber actually facilitates the number twos. T-Rex: I KNOW THAT NOW!! T-Rex: Why the heck are we using artful euphemisms on MEDICINE PACKAGING? Utahraptor: Because - kids can read them? I guess? T-Rex: Utahraptor, these are PILLS. These are meds you buy at a pharmacy. I made my problem WORSE when someone WHO WORKS IN MEDICINE couldn't bring themselves to say "Okay. These make the poops come out". "Promotes regularity"? What the hell is that? ALL SORTS OF IRREGULARITY CAN HAPPEN DOWN THERE. I've seen it! T-Rex (punchline): I have, in fact, seen far too much

um, when a true party dude hangs out with his library friends HE TURNS THE LIBRARY INTO A PARTY AND RETIRES AS ULTIMATE PARTY CHAMP

T-Rex: I am a dude who adapts himself to the people around him. If I'm with party dudes, I am more likely to want to party! T-Rex: There's no shame in this, on account of how PARTYING IS AWESOME?? T-Rex: And when a party dude hangs out with his library friends, he quiets down and finds a book to read. So obviously the friends we choose influence what we do and who we become! And so OBVIOUSLY I want friends that are awesome, so that I can get, or at least emulate, some of their awesome qualities. I want friends who can improve who I am, as a person - and I believe I've pulled this off! Utahraptor: Really? You think your friends are better than you? T-Rex: Yes. Who doesn't? T-Rex: Why would I want to hang out with chumps that are worse than me? That sounds terrible. Utahraptor: But we're hanging out with you. T-Rex: Sure! But you probably find something in me that's worthwhile! T-Rex: Either that or you haven't realized that I'm just leeching all the awesomeness I can until you're nothing but a desiccated corpse, with all the awesomeness subsumed into ME. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): Forget I said that!!

people in the stories for men are always showing up to work late, saying "sorry i'm late, mr. bossman! an explosion happened to me." then mr. bossman explodes them out of the office!

Narrator: STORIES Narrator: FOR MEN T-Rex: Men! We like stories, right? Multiple off-panel voices: Right! T-Rex: But they have to be good stories. Stories with plots in which there are good guys and bad guys, and then some explosions happen to them! Dromiceiomimus: You sure like explosions, huh? T-Rex: In a good story, they function as punctuation marks. Hamlet says "To be or not to be", and the building behind him blows up. It is spectacular. The audience whispers, "Yes. This is what Shakespeare meant." Utahraptor: So your story is Hamlet only with explosions instead of punctuation. T-Rex: You say it like it's not fantastic! Utahraptor: Do the characters even react to the explosions at all? T-Rex: Sometimes they go off in the background and they barely glance over their shoulder at them. Sometimes they outrun them down halls or by climbing up ladders real fast. It depends on the scene, you know? Narrator: THE ULTIMATE STORY FOR MEN T-Rex: Hamlet sips some whiskey while punching a man in the nose! Ophelia says she's crazy for him and they go on a helicopter ride. A ghost appears, and when Hamlet high fives him he explodes! Then Denmark explodes. T-Rex (punchline): Later, Ophelia's topless!

you may want to read innuendo into panel 3. i can't stop you! shit! it's a free internet!

T-Rex: Who spent their Tuesday night doing the BEST THING POSSIBLE?? The answer: me! T-Rex: I built a statue of myself! T-Rex: It's LARGER-THAN-LIFE and it looks just like me! Only BIGGER. What I'm trying to say Dromiceiomimus is that it's fantastic and you should come see it sometime soon. Dromiceiomimus: I will! But wouldn't building an articulated robot version of yourself that you can climb inside and control have been closer to the best thing ever? T-Rex: Well, MAYBE. But a statue is still awesome! Utahraptor: Yeah man! You should've built a robot suit! T-Rex: But - I built a whole statue! Overnight!! T-Rex (punchline): Although upon closer inspection, I must concede that building a fully-functional T-Rex robot, overnight, would have been pretty darned choice. Utahraptor: So now you're saying you regret your statue? Man! I'd like to know what your statue thinks about all this! Narrator: T-REX STATUE REACTION SHOT:

but next week she writes again to say they are so totally back together now and are planning to populate the species

Narrator: COMPRESSED BIBLE COMICS Narrator: today's genre: TEEN MAGAZINE CONFESSIONAL T-Rex: Dear Seventeen, T-Rex: I was in the Garden of Eden, and I don't know what I was thinking, but.. I ate the forbidden fruit! T-Rex: It was SO embarrassing! My fave crush was there and he saw everything! Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, God showed up, and he kicked us both out of the Garden... for good! I could have died! T-Rex: Then, when we were outside, I suddenly knew shame for the first time... and my crush did too! I swear I never blushed so much in my entire life! T-Rex: There is a silver lining though - we are now completely in love, despite what happened! Utahraptor: Eve! Utahraptor: You're not writing to another teen magazine, are you? T-Rex: S-sorta? Utahraptor: Eve! The whole world doesn't need to know that stuff! Utahraptor: I'm totally breaking up with you, Eve! For real this time! Narrator: THAT EVENING... T-Rex (punchline): And he never called me again!

whenever t-rex sees a phone off the hook he's all that's SO CRAZY

T-Rex: The craziest thing happened to me yesterday! T-Rex: It was the CRAZIEST! T-Rex: It was so crazy, I don't feel comfortable talking about it. Dromiceiomimus: And yet, you're talking about talking about it, so do you want me to ask what the crazy thing was? T-Rex: No thank you! It was too CRAZY. Utahraptor: You know what? I bet it wasn't even very crazy! Utahraptor: Was it very crazy? T-Rex: My friend, it was so crazy it was OFF the HOOK. Utahraptor: That's pretty crazy! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex (punchline): As I say, it's analogous to leaving one's phone off the hook.

Ironhoof doesn't do much these days.

T-Rex: Everyone's always, "You know what the saddest six-word story is? 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn.'" AND TO THAT I SAY: what's so sad about buying cute shoes because they were on super sale and then realizing you have no possible use for them?? God: I THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO IMPLY A CHILD'S LOSS AND NOT AN IMPULSE PURCHASE T-Rex: OHHH T-Rex: Anyway, point is, I can write a sadder story. OBSERVE: "For sale: sucky baby, never loved". Done and done! Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that basically, like, the same flavour of sadness? T-Rex: Now there's baby trafficking involved! How is that not sadder than previously-loved footwear at an unbeatably low price?? Utahraptor: Maybe get away from the "for sale" angle? T-Rex: Not a problem! T-Rex: "One day everyone died, ohhhhh no" Now that's OBJECTIVELY SADDER: everyone's dead, not just one baby! Utahraptor: The baby one's sad because we meet two characters: the baby and the shoe selling parent. Your story doesn't have any characters in it, dude! T-Rex: FINE. "Suddenly, everyone died... INCLUDING ANASTASIA IRONHOOF." Off panel: Is she... a talking horse? T-Rex (punchline): Um, NOT ANYMORE

today IS special. look at how that column of spaces lines up in the first panel. words are crazy!

Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: HOW IS TODAY SPECIAL FOR YOU? T-Rex: Today is special because today is the day I show everyone how manly I am. Today is the day I punch out the friggin' sun!! God: TODAY IS SPECIAL BECAUSE NO WAY COULD T-REX EVER PUNCH OUT THE SUN T-Rex: Aw nuts! Dromiceiomimus: Today is special because today I'm going to be a lady with poise and grace, who excels at her job and does all that she can to make the world a better place! T-Rex: Not bad! Dromiceiomimus: I know, right? Utahraptor: Today is special because we're all healthy and happy! T-Rex: Um, hello, BORING Devil: TODAY IS SPECIAL BECAUSE TODAY IS THE DAY I ACHIEVE 10 BILLION POINTS IN THE ARCADE VERSION OF "NIBBLER" WHICH YOU WILL NOTE IS A FULL ORDER OF MAGNITUDE HIGHER THAN WHAT HAS BEEN ACHIEVED BEFORE Devil: IT WILL BE Devil: I ASSURE YOU Devil: A TRULY STAGGERING ACHIEVEMENT Off panel: TODAY IS EXTREMELY SPECIAL, T-REX. TODAY IS THE DAY WE REDEFINE THE UNCANNY VALLEY SO THAT IT CAN ALSO BE APPLIED TO SEX! T-Rex (punchline): I'm - I'm not sure I understand? Off panel: T-REX Off panel: YOU WILL

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO BE TAILS

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE A QUERY Devil: ARE YOU AWARE WHICH VIDEO GAME CONSOLE IS NOW THE BEST OF ALL TIME T-Rex: Super Nintendo? Devil: Y- Devil: YES Devil: I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING ELSE T-Rex: Nope! Super Nintendo! Devil: MMM I MUST CONFESS TO HAVING THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION PLANNED OUT IN MY HEAD BUT I FAILED TO ANTICIPATE THIS RESPONSE Devil: PERHAPS YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR ANSWER TO THE VECTREX AND THEN WE COULD PROCEED Devil: ALTERNATIVELY SHOULD YOU CHOOSE THE GENESIS I HAVE PREPARED AN EXCELLENT ESSAY-RESPONSE T-Rex: Sorry? I said the SNES was the best console ever because I never had one and they looked fun! Utahraptor: No way, man! The Genesis was the best console ever! T-Rex: Hey! Perfect! T-Rex: Did you hear that? Utahraptor says the Sega Genesis was the best ever! Did you hear that? T-Rex: Did you hear that? T-Rex: Did you - Utahraptor: YES I DID HEAR MYSELF T-Rex: I WAS TALKING TO THE DEVIL ABOUT VIDEO GAMES UTAHRAPTOR Off panel: OKAY FINE WHATEVER I'M GOING TO GO PLAY SEGA GENESIS T-Rex: CAN I COME Off panel: I AM THINKING NO T-Rex (punchline): AW MAN Off panel: OKAY NOW I AM THINKING YES

t-rex you're kind of ripping off your own haiku there but WHATever man

T-Rex: The city was dark - too dark. The kind of dark that could drive a man insane. T-Rex: As I parked my retro car outside of my detective agency, I felt for the cool weight of my gun! T-Rex: Not just cool temperature-wise, but cool in that it made me look good. Too good. But I had to look good, because my first case of the day was my ex-wife, Fran. Turns out she was bein' blackmailed. Couldn't say by who, but I had a pretty good idea of who it might be. The night was turning out to be a real night... to remember. Utahraptor: T-Rex, enough! Is this story supposed to have a case of the sucks? T-Rex: No! Of course not! Utahraptor: You're kidding me, right? It's stereotypical, but it's like you're not really sure what the stereotypes are. It reads like a parody where they forgot to put in any jokes! Also, is it night or day in the story? T-Rex: Whoah, ouch! Last time I narrate any of my stories for you, Mr. Critical Pants! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Oh right, Utahraptor's having trouble with this dude he's been seeing! I forgive his critical outburst. Narrator: "TROUBLE AT HOME?"

utahraptor, people living for revenge get to walk slow-motion in front of more explosions than heartless plutocrats do. i can't just ignore that

T-Rex: Recently I have discovered something that disturbs me! My savings account is now less negligible than before, and yet - I kinda want some money? T-Rex: This is not the person I thought I was! T-Rex: When I was a kid I always thought that as long as I had enough money to live without fear of poverty, I'd be fine. I just wanted enough to get by. But now - I'm treating money like Life Points™, Dromiceiomimus! And I want more Life Points™. I want the high score, and I want the scoreboard to say "TRX" at the top, right above "USA" and "ASS". Dromiceiomimus: I think this is just a matter of figuring out a different sort of Life Points™! Utahraptor: I agree! We've got to find something else for you before you've become a cruel amalgam of the uncles Scrooge and Pennybags! T-Rex: But what? Utahraptor: How about instead of counting money, you count the number of lives you've touched in a positive way? T-Rex: Oh God. Listen, I want something more like "Number of Enemies That Said 'I Wish I Wasn't T-Rex's Enemy Anymore', Frig". In fact, that's perfect. Off panel: You realize that now you're living for revenge? T-Rex: Oh! People say that's bad, right? Do you, um, remember any reasons why, off the top of your head? Off panel: Well - T-Rex (punchline): Look, are any sayings about how it's WORSE than living for money?

darn it, i don't know WHY i keep attending this 'second-rate book fair'. no matter how you parse it, it's always second-rate!

Narrator: THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU T-Rex: A story by T-Rex! T-Rex: Once upon a time, there was a man who ate his hat! T-Rex: He died from the experience, but came back as a ghost. He was a PRETTY cool ghost. If he saw you with a hat though, he would punch you right in your flippin' neck. He would sneak up behind you and whisper "There are some ghosts who don't punch people in the neck." and then the last thing you'd see before you were punched were the ghostly words written on his fists: "I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GHOST". Utahraptor: Wow, that sounds like my kind of story! What happens next? T-Rex: Only the BEST NARRATIVE OF OUR TIME! T-Rex (punchline): BASICALLY, after September 11th, our guy decides that he's had enough of just punching dudes and joins the fire department. He becomes real and now he punches out fires. He punches kittens out of trees. He punches people who get trapped in cars when they drive off the road. Utahraptor: Nice! Narrator: THE END [the background is a table with a book on it] Book cover: THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU Off panel: I don't get it - none of them are actually in the story they describe? Also, the dinosaur on the cover is crooked. Off panel: UM, THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING IT

listen everyone this comic is PROVABLY HILARIOUS

God: T-REX GUESS WHAT God: YOU HAVE TO FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL TODAY T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: ...What? God: ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS THOUGH OKAY T-Rex: I don't understand! God: WHAT IS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOU'LL BE FILLING IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SO I NEED YOU TO TALK TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT TEN YEAR OLD GIRL STUFF LIKE I DON'T KNOW PONIES God: WAS THAT SEXIST God: LISTEN I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO BE SEXIST T-Rex: So - I guess I'm a ten year old girl now? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: Listen, man: I don't know. God told me I would be filling in for a ten year old girl today, so here I am. Utahraptor: You're sure he didn't tell you, I don't know, that you're special? To be excellent to others? T-Rex: Nope! He said "DUDE FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL" God: T-REX I SAID "FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL" T-Rex (punchline): You didn't! Whatever; I heard you clearly. God: OKAY BUT NOW I'M SAYING FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL God: IT WILL BE HILARIOUS God: OH MAN God: PROVABLY HILARIOUS

t-rex has this thing where he's looking at a cow and it fades into a giant cheeseburger

T-Rex: I'm going to write the best story ever. It's called - okay, I don't know what it's called. But I have a fantastic premise! T-Rex: It's a world where everyone knows how they're going to die! T-Rex: You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says "exploded" or "drowned" or "poisoned apple" and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend the rest of their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how! Utahraptor: This story sounds pretty morbid, T-Rex! T-Rex: Morbidly INTERESTING! Utahraptor: True! Utahraptor: I guess the only safe one would be if the paper said "old age". T-Rex: Nope, cause then you could be killed by an old guy! This machine delights in ironically vague deaths. Utahraptor: "Natural causes"? T-Rex: Hit on the head by a falling koala bear! T-Rex: It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say "made into delicious cheeseburger". T-Rex: Not that the cows could understand! T-Rex (punchline): Friggin' cheeseburgers!

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. OR WILL I??

T-Rex: Many a great work of literature has been written, but until now their endings have all sucked! T-Rex: They have all sucked like whoah! T-Rex: And the REASON these endings have all sucked like whoah is that every single great work of literature employs endings that don't suddenly throw in a SURPRISE TWIST that instantly calls into question your very conception of reality. Anyway, I fixed 'em. Dromiceiomimus: You fixed... literature? T-Rex: At least all the copies at the library, yep! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex, have you been to the library? T-Rex: Tee hee! Utahraptor: I'm asking because my copy of Gone With The Wind ends with "After all, tomorrow is another day. OR IS IT??". And my copy of The Great Gatsby says "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. OR DO WE? AHHHH WHO KNOWS??" T-Rex: Well they sound great. Narrator: LATER, T-REX GETS A CALL FROM J.K. ROWLING: Off panel: "The scar had not pained Harry for 19 years. All was well. OR WAS IT??" - I love it! Can you write the new sequels for me? T-Rex (punchline): I'd be happy to. So! Harry's the wizard kid who never properly exploits his friend's time machine, right?

looks like my monday night dance card just got filled up!

T-Rex: When I was a child I used to imagine I had just teleported into my own body from an earlier time. Or I'd pretend that I'd suddenly lost several years of my memories. T-Rex: The two are functionally equivalent? T-Rex: And the game was, by walking around and trying to act normal, I had to figure out what was going on. It was the sort of game where you'd notice trees that had been cut down, touch your arm and mutter "When did I start wearing a watch?", and then talk to your mom and try to fake your way through a conversation about school without knowing years of history. It was fun! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! You must have been such a cute kid! Utahraptor: So why'd you stop? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Why'd you stop? I bet this game would be even more fun as an adult, since way more things have changed since you were a kid. In fact, I might play it myself! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): I could call up old girlfriends and act familiar! [no text]

what if someone did it for comics OH GOD

T-Rex: People like different songs because they have different tastes in music. This I concede. T-Rex: However! T-Rex: I still think there could be One Perfect Song! T-Rex: I think some day, someone - let's say, ME - might sit down and write a song that is legitimately great. A song that transcends personal taste and never gets old and is everyone's favourite, without exception. The best of all possible songs. What would the music world be like if there were no longer any chance of anyone else having a number one song - THE number one song? What if everyone was left fighting for second place? Utahraptor: I actually think it would be fascinating! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! It would be amazing seeing how some artists react, knowing that the best epitaph they could hope for was "runner up". I think you'd see a lot of esoteric music, exploring areas that aren't in the number one song! T-Rex: Well! I guess I'd better get to work, huh? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED THIS: Off panel: Yo, I'm not number one but I'm still good / My parents know that I've done / basically the best I could! T-Rex (punchline): Man! I miss OLD gangsta rap.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY EVERYBODY

Narrator: IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY! Narrator: HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY! T-Rex: Did you know that St. Patrick used to be associated with the colour BLUE? T-Rex: It's true! You travel back in time to the 1200s and you say "What colour goes with St. Patrick?" and they'll answer "blue"! Eventually. First you'll need to figure out how to communicate with the people there: their vowels will sound all crazy to your ears. Plus, assuming you're in an English speaking part of the world - and there were a lot fewer of them then - the language was way more Germanic than what you're used to. T-Rex: You're right in the middle of Middle English, my friend! Utahraptor: And it was really fragmented back then! Utahraptor: The British will end up creating a Standard English just to ensure that government communication can be READ outside of London. T-Rex: But not until the 1400s, so if you're in the 1200s and nobody understands you, you could always wander around, find another dialect group, and try again! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway yeah now St. Patrick's colour is green