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2 Broke Girls

And the Not Broke Parents [3.20]

Caroline: [after learning pastry school has been closed] Oh, good, John's here. He'll know what happened. Max: What makes you think he knows?

Caroline

He's a big queen, Max. He'll know why school's closed, and why Lady Gaga's last album failed.

2 Broke Girls

And the Not Broke Parents [3.20]

Caroline: Can't you just go to Deke's without me? I'm too down in the dumps. Max: Then what better place to be than in a dumpster? And Deke said to make sure to bring you. And relax, it's not a three-way situation. When we made our three-way list, you were at the bottom with Taylor Swift. Caroline: Well, at least I'm with Taylor. On the three-way list, who's above me? Max: Vicki what's-her-name from Real Housewives of Orange County. Caroline: Is that the one with all the face work?

Max

You're gonna have to be more specific.

2 Broke Girls

And the Wedding Cake Cake Cake [3.21]

Caroline: Do you know what kind of cake you want? Claire: Absolutely. Something traditional, something very old school, you know, very romantic. But wait, now I'm thinking, you guys are so cool. What if we did something with a weird, hipster Williamsburg vibe? Max: So you want an obnoxious cake on a trust fund wearing an ironic T-shirt with HPV? Claire: But wait, now I'm thinking... pastels for spring! Oh, but wait, now I'm thinking... colors. I love clowns. Max: Wow, she changes her mind more than I change my underwear.

Caroline

So twice?

2 Broke Girls

And the Wedding Cake Cake Cake [3.21]

Caroline: There's the gorgeous bride! Your dress is beautiful! It's a beautiful dress to get married in right now in the next room. Claire: No, I hate it. I'm taking it off. I'm not wearing this dressor that one, or that one. Because I'm thinking, marriage is stupid. Max: So stupid. Caroline: Max! Max: Stupid beautiful, and everyone should do it.

Claire

Nope. It's not for me. Like underwear.

2 Broke Girls

And the New Lease on Life [3.22]

Han: Let's start off this powwow by sharing our highs and lows of the week. My high was getting a particularly interesting Snapple Fact. And my low was Max: Your entire body? Caroline: I'll go. My high was finding a barrette in the bathroom, and my low was imagining my new life without it. Max, your high? Max: I certainly am. And my low will be when it wears off. Oleg: Well, my high was catching a glimpse of a customer's lacy G-string, and my low was seeing his junk. Earl: My low is this meeting. And my high is when it wraps up. Han: Can everybody take this serious [accidentally hits his crotch on the backrest of a chair] [high-pitched] I have a new low. Caroline: [chuckles] I have a new high! Oleg: Me too! [high-fives Caroline]

Max

Everybody, please! Han just clearly injured his vagina.

2 Broke Girls

And the Free Money [3.23]

[Caroline asks Max for money so she can bet on a horse race, and Max says she's addicted to gambling] Caroline: I am not addicted! Now, where's your cash? 'Cause it wasn't in your piggy bank, which someone, not me, broke. Max: You think you don't have a problem? Then, fine, you can have the money. Caroline: You won't be sorry. Where is it? Max: In my bra. Caroline: Where's your bra? Max: On my boobs. Caroline: You sleep in your bra? Max: Have to. Last time I let them out at night, they didn't come home till 4 a.m. and couldn't tell me where they'd been. Caroline: Max, just take it out of there, please.

Max

Nope, I'll tell you what I tell every guy who wants to get in there: It's 12 bucks for adults and 10.50 for seniors.

2 Broke Girls

And the Free Money [3.23]

Caroline: [after taking money out of Max's bra] I promise I'll never do that again. Max: That's what my Uncle Hank said. Caroline: No, I meant I'll never ask you for money again. Max: That's what Uncle Hank's wife said. Caroline: No more gambling.

Max

Now I feel like you read the transcript of Uncle Hank's case.

2 Broke Girls

And the First Degree [3.24]

Caroline: Max, I have a surprise, and it's right behind you. Max: Before I turn around, is it Oprah? 'Cause I will die! Caroline: It's a diploma from pastry school!

Max

No, seriously, what's the surprise? I'll even take Gayle.

2 Broke Girls

And the First Degree [3.24]

Max: Look, I am not a pastry school graduate. I'm not even a high school graduate. The only thing I graduated from was a scared straight program, which is why I'm not gay anymore. Caroline: Max, you really didn't graduate? I always thought you were kidding about dropping out of high school, like when you say that Howard Stern is your dad. Max: 'Cause he is! Look at our eyes. And I did drop out. I was like, "Later, suckas! I'll find a water fountain somewhere else." Caroline: Water fountains? Gross. In private school, we never bent down to put our mouths on something unless it had a yacht.

Max

I didn't need a piece of paper from high school, and I don't need this fake piece of paper, because I don't fake things. Except orgasms with guys who don't know how to yank hair good.

2 Broke Girls

And the Reality Problem [4.01]

[A television producer approaches Max and Caroline about shooting an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians at their cupcake window] Caroline: Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians. Max: I'll give you five good reasons: Kim, Kamber, Klondike... and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme. Caroline: Not even close. Max: Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo. Caroline: It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie, and Kendall. Max: That mother has some nerve, naming a kid who's probably never even read a book "Kindle." Caroline: We need this! Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It's like Dancing with the Stars, but without the stars. So, Dancing with the Stars. Max: Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate, 'cause I've never seen it.

Caroline

Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... keep up. Yeah, okay, I've never seen it either.

2 Broke Girls

And the Reality Problem [4.01]

Caroline: I'm so excited! Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy! You've never seen it. Max: Please call me by my new name, Khlamydia Kardashian. Caroline: Don't say anything stupid like that.

Max

I won't have to say anything. Kris will see me and recognize me as one of her own, with my lips, my boobs, and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.

2 Broke Girls

And the DJ Face [4.02]

[Caroline wakes up to a strange man in the apartment] Caroline: I warn you, I was in the Nutcracker Suite. Sebastian: What's that mean? Caroline: This! [kicks Sebastian in the crotch] [Sebastian covers his crotch and falls on the floor; Max comes out of her bedroom] Caroline: Don't worry, Max, I handled it. Max: Yeah, I just handled it too. That's my booty call. Caroline: Are you telling me you know him?!

Max

No, I don't know him! He just comes over for sex on Tuesday nights.

2 Broke Girls

And the DJ Face [4.02]

Caroline: How do you not know the name of the guy you're intimate with? Max: "Intimate"? Caroline: Max, there are certain things you have to know about the guy you're engaging in sexual congress with. Max: Only you can make sex boring. Sebastian: [comes out of the bathroom] Well, not too bad. One's okay and the other one left on crutches. Later. Caroline: Sebastian, wait. This is Max Black. Max, this is Sebastian. Sebastian: Nice to meet you, Max.

Max

Yeah, nice to meet you too. And you can just call me what you usually do"Oh, God."

2 Broke Girls

And the Childhood Not Included [4.03]

Elliot: Oh... my... God! Is that a Teddy Ruxpin doll? Rita, I want that! Rita: Your birthday just passed, Elliot. Elliot: But my coming out party is coming up. Max: What is that, like a queen-ceanera? Elliot: So bitchy. Love her. A vintage Teddy Ruxpin is worth like, $500, and my mom works, so she has to buy my love. Rita: One more word, and I'm taking away spa day. Elliot: That's harsh, honey. Rita: He's obsessed with the '90s. Max: But you weren't even born. Elliot: I know. I blame her. She couldn't find a man till late in life. Rita: There go the pedicures. Elliot: There go my sandals. Max: As much as I love watching Will & Grace, this guy's not for sale. I'm sending him back to my mother's place, which, according to the Rhode Island Parole Office, is a cardboard shanty town outside of Big Lots. Elliot: Well, here's my card. And let's face it, you look like you could use $500.

Max

So bitchy. Love him!

2 Broke Girls

And the Childhood Not Included [4.03]

Caroline: [trying to convince Max not to sell her Teddy Ruxpin doll to Elliot] That's "little you" in there, Max. And she's priceless. And she's about to erased and taped over by the soundtrack from Frozen. Elliot: Frozen? Who am I? Me, a year ago? Caroline: No. Can't have her. Max: Well, what are we gonna do now about the other child? The one in the diner? [referring to Han, whose $500 fish Caroline accidentally lost] Caroline: Well, I guess he's just gonna have to grow up. Max: Grow up? You think if he had that ability, he wouldn't have used it yet? Elliot: So what, no bear?

Max

Oh, please! You'll have a bear in your life, trust me.

2 Broke Girls

And the Old Bike Yarn [4.04]

Max: Earl, can I borrow your paper? I wanna check my horoscope to see if I'll still be a whore in the future. All right, who wants to go first? Oleg: Ooh, do me! Do me! Do me! Caroline: Can we have one night at the dinner that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman? Max: All right, I'll go. "Gemini, the Twins." And they're both doing fine, so let's move on. Han, what sign are you? I'm guessing the 40-year-old Virgo. Han: Max, you don't need that paper. I'll tell you what's in your future: Using my name as a reference at Chipotle.

Earl

You guys really believe in that crap? They just tell you what you wanna hear. "You will be rich. You will be famous." You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said, "You will be a 75-year-old cashier"?

2 Broke Girls

And the Old Bike Yarn [4.04]

Caroline: [after telling Max she has good news] Close your eyes. I'll give you a hint. Max: Last time I was told to close my eyes, I woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge. P.S.: Closest I ever got to a vacation. [Caroline wheels a pink bike in and honks the horn] Max: Oh, you're dating a clown? Caroline: Please, you know I would have told you if I was dating someone who had a car. Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop! Max: It was the bike from the front of the shop. Now it looks like a contestant on RuPaul's Bike Race. Caroline: We're gonna use it to make deliveries. I already signed us up for three delivery services. Still crazy smart! Max: Waste of time. Amazon's got drones, and we've got one gay bike. I don't wanna do deliveries. Caroline: I got this. You bake, I'll bike.

Max

And while you bike, I'll get baked.

2 Broke Girls

And the Brand Job [4.05]

Caroline: Max, business is down again, and the only phrase I've said more than that is, "Please, God, take me in my sleep." I mean, it's clear. Not getting ahead. Max: Oh, is that what your mood is about? You're not getting any ahead? 'Cause I can take care of that with one call.

Caroline

You are not hooking me up with that guy who's listed in your phone as "Oral Redenbacher."

2 Broke Girls

And the Brand Job [4.05]

Sophie: Guess what Oleg and I are going to do that will probably give me hep C. Max: A threeway with Tommy Lee? Sophie: No, silly. We're getting matching tattoos. Oleg: We want something that represents our relationship. So maybe two butterflies doing the nasty during CSI: Miami. Caroline: Wow, you two, his and her tats. Romantic and will help identify the bodies. Sophie: Sure, you know, matching tattoos are the deepest expression of commitment. Oleg: Well, matching tattoos and pooping in front of each other.

Sophie

I'm not gonna do it in front of my man. I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.

2 Broke Girls

And the Model Apartment [4.06]

Caroline: How would you describe our apartment? And I've already ruled out "worse than that girl-pit in Silence of the Lambs." Max: Well, at least she had some silence once in a while. Look, no one's gonna pay money to rent this dump. We haven't in six months. Caroline: Everyone else in Williamsburg is making money renting their crappy places on Airbnb. It's all how you describe it. So let's start lying. Max: [sarcastically] This is a fantastic idea and I really wanna do this! Caroline: First question: "Describe your neighborhood." Max: Uh, run-down with a bunch of rats. Caroline: Old-world charm. Pet-friendly. "What type of people live there?" Max: Junkies, whores, homeless. Caroline: Actors. "Do you have a hot tub?" Sometimes. "Gym?" Max: Two. Gay Jim upstairs, and straight Jim across the hall who's only gay when he's drunk. Caroline: "When is your space available? Always, sometimes, one time."

Max

Oh, just like our sex lives. Always for me, sometimes out of boredom, and one time for you.

2 Broke Girls

And the Model Apartment [4.06]

[The models arrive at Max and Caroline's apartment] Lily Aldridge: Hi, I'm Lily. Max: Oh, shoot, now I'm gay. Caroline: Lily? As in Lily Aldridge? Martha Hunt: And I'm Martha. Caroline: Hunt?! Martha Hunt and Lily Aldridge?! Max, do you know who they are?

Max

Sure do! This one is the girl that I leave this one for.

2 Broke Girls

And a Loan for Christmas [4.07]

Caroline: Oh, you made a Feliz Navidad cupcake! I'm muy proud of you. And I think we're gonna make muy mucho moolah when Manuel comes manana. Max: You're the only person I know who seems whiter speaking Spanish. [showing the cupcakes she made] Feliz Navidad for our Spanish-speaking friends. And for kids raised like me, "Feliz He's Not Your Dad." And then, "Joy to the World" for the normals, and for the hipsters, "Joint to the World." For the kids, "Frosty the Snowman." And for you, "Frosty with No Man." Caroline: Well, I didn't see Jack Frost nipping at your nips either. Max: Oh, here, this one's my favorite: "Santa Claus Is Coming" Caroline: Max, stop right there.

Max

No, that was it. He's coming.

2 Broke Girls

And a Loan for Christmas [4.07]

Caroline: Oh, my God, Max. My childhood bank! Max: You had a childhood bank? I didn't even have a childhood. Caroline: Come on, let's go. I stop in every few months to get caught on the security cameras, so people will think I'm still in the mix. Max: Trying to get caught on security cameras? Whoa, we are different. Caroline: Yeah, we'll just go in and while we're in here, well, I don't know, ask for a business loan. Max: We are not getting a business loan! You tricked me into coming to the city. At least knock me out and put me in the trunk like a person. Caroline: Okay, I hear you. No loan. But can we at least go in there so I can get a hit off some vault fumes and a complimentary Christmas cocoa?

Max

Yeah, I want one too. It's so cold out here my bra is suing my nipples for assault.

2 Broke Girls

And the Fun Factory [4.08]

Sophie: I'm starting my own new business. So girls, you know how you have that $10,000? Well, I don't wanna clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500? Oleg: You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius. You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off? Sophie: Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis. Oleg: Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field. Caroline: That's not a business. That's nobody's business. Max: Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff. I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go. Oleg: Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes, in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip. Caroline: We're out. Sophie: Oh, don't decide yet, girls. You haven't even heard the cute little name Kachinsky's Vagina Wigs! Caroline: Yeah, we're really out. Sophie: But it's a quality product, and it's real hair imported from va-China.

Caroline

Yeah, never been further out.

2 Broke Girls

And the Fun Factory [4.08]

Ace: Doors create boundaries. Boundaries are a bummer. You know what else is a bummer?

Max

Tall guys with small penises?

2 Broke Girls

And the Past and the Furious [4.09]

[Max drives a roofied Caroline to the Hamptons in Caroline's new Lamborghini] Caroline: Max, you did it again. You roofied me, didn't you? Max: Of course I did! You were crying and babbling about the Hamptons, so I had to put you down. Caroline: You promised you wouldn't again. The last time, I was out for two days!

Max

Yeah, I really just needed to get through Game of Thrones without someone talking during the incest.

2 Broke Girls

And the Past and the Furious [4.09]

Max: All this time, I thought you were a ride-or-die kind of bitch. Caroline: I am a ride-or-die kind of bitch! What's a ride-or-die kind of bitch? [pulls out her phone from her jacket pocket] Max: Are you Googling "ride-or-die kind of bitch"?

Caroline

I would be, but I only have two bars.

2 Broke Girls

And the Move-In Meltdown [4.10]

[Max and Caroline learn that Oleg is moving in with Sophie] Han: What is the problem? This is all good news. Sophie and Oleg are in love. Max: Yeah! And they'll be in love on our stairs, in our hallway, and on every surface of the laundry room. What do you know about love anyway, Christian Single?

Han

I know Jesus has a girl for me. He has to. I'm $400 deep into that damn website.

2 Broke Girls

And the Move-In Meltdown [4.10]

[Caroline looks through the peephole and sees Oleg and Han in the hallway] Max: Get away from the door! Han will see your feet under the door, they're right at his eye level. Caroline: This is like a horror movieSaw III. Because when Han bent over, I saw 3 inches of his crack.

Max

So you saw his whole crack?

2 Broke Girls

And the Crime Ring [4.11]

[Sophie asks Max to be her maid of honor] Max: Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, it's just not really my thing, you know, man? Sophie: Is this really not your thing? It's nobody's thing. You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, like bleaching your teeth or your anus. Caroline: Thank God I'm off the list, 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.

Max

Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader. And then she was my maid of honor when I married him a week later, so... I'm kind of maid-of-honored out.

2 Broke Girls

And the Crime Ring [4.11]

[Max and Caroline go to a bar, where Caroline meets a man who resembles Jesus] Max: I'll leave. You stay and do your thing. Caroline: But we came together. Max: Yeah, I know you guys did. It happened, like, the second he kissed you. Caroline: I don't do this. I just met him.

Max

Look, Caroline, I haven't read the Bible, but I know that when Jesus returns, you must follow him... back to his apartment. Let go... Let God... get to third base.

2 Broke Girls

And the Knock Off Knockout [4.12]

Caroline: [to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes. Oleg: Look at all theseBeautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride? Sophie: Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows. Max: Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes. Oleg: Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.

Sophie

Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.

2 Broke Girls

And the Knock Off Knockout [4.12]

[Max and Caroline accuse two rich high school girls of selling knock-offs of their cupcake T-shirts] Kemberly: We did not steal your idea. Ashlin: Yeah, we did not steal your idea. We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn. Max: Wait a minute... We have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn! Kemberly: Ashlin, you talk too much. This is why everyone knows about my lap-band. Ashlin: I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds over spring break.

Caroline

[to Max] It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.

2 Broke Girls

And the Great Unwashed [4.13]

Oleg: Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. And I'm also running a special on D batteries. Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy of Horrible Bosses 2. Max: [as Han comes in] Here comes Horrible Bosses Too Small. Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking? Han: No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.

Max

[pause] Preach.

2 Broke Girls

And the Great Unwashed [4.13]

Max: [at Nola's photography exhibit] Look that title! "The Great Unwashed." Are Oleg's balls here?

Caroline

Max, it's the art scene. Class it up. At least say "testicles."

2 Broke Girls

And the High Hook-Up [4.17]

Caroline: Okay, Nashit, pay attention. These are the tables. This is the dessert bar. Max: And these are my boobs. Caroline: Max, be professional. Max: These are my boobs, sir. Caroline: Please, I have to make him a waiter.

Max

Fine, you make him a waiter, and I'll just make him later.

2 Broke Girls

And the High Hook-Up [4.17]

Caroline: [about Nashit] You can't seriously be into him. He looks like someone in a boy band. Max: Yeah, and he's going one direction... Down there! Caroline: But if you sleep with him, then Nashit is gonna hit the fan. How do you know you even like him?

Max

You know what I like? That we're doing it.

2 Broke Girls

And the Taste Test [4.18]

Caroline: Oh, my God. This the worst thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon on the sidewalk.

Max

Who are you calling a prostitute?

2 Broke Girls

And the Look of the Irish [4.19]

Han: Here ye! Here ye! I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner. Max: Well, we'll miss you, Han.

Han

Nice try, Max, but like Ryan Seacrest, I'll be here forever.

2 Broke Girls

And the Wrecking Ball [5.01]

Sophie: Well, it happened. Max: Ryan Seacrest came out? Sophie: Oh, Max, don't be silly. No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago. My biggest dream has come true! Caroline: Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions? Sophie: Okay, my second biggest dream. I'm pregnant.

Max

Oh, no, everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken parmesan here.

2 Broke Girls

And the Wrecking Ball [5.01]

Dannon: All the businesses on that block are gonna close. It's getting plowed for an IMAX theatre. Caroline: Oh, my God!

Max

I know! Another is getting plowed on our block?

2 Broke Girls

And the Escape Room [5.05]

Max: Caroline reads everything. She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Caroline

Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed to be your roommate. Turns out, bitch do have my money.

2 Broke Girls

And the Escape Room [5.05]

Randy: Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all. Oleg: Dongs. The answer is dongs. Sophie: C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.

Max

Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.

2 Broke Girls

And Not the Regular Down There [5.06]

Max: Oh... my... God. It finally happened. Someone doesn't wanna have sex with me! He said he gotta be at work early. Isn't that weird?

Caroline

That you're dating a guy with a job? Yeah, that is weird.

2 Broke Girls

And Not the Regular Down There [5.06]

Max: Remember on Full House, when you thought there was one Michelle, but there were actually two Michelles... Caroline: Why are you bringing up one of the craziest days of my life? Max: He has two. Caroline: Two what? Max: Owen has two penises! Why is it so hard to understand? Caroline: Is that a thing that can happen?

Oleg

Yes, it's called diphallia. I just Googled it. It's a medical condition in which a male is born with two penises. The only case in which two dongs make a right.

2 Broke Girls

And the Coming Out Party [5.07]

Han: According to Netflix, last night I watched half the Taken's and all the Insidious'es-es. All of them! Max: Relax. You probably just sleep-watched them. And you probably also sleep-ordered 28 boxes of tampons on Amazon. Han: Max, you hacked into my accounts? That's illegal! And beyond what I thought you were intellectually capable of! Caroline: Not much of a hack when the password is "Hanstoppable." Earl: That's a breach of trust, girls. Did you order me those shoes?

Han

Dammit! I should have gone with " Golden Pond."

2 Broke Girls

And the Coming Out Party [5.07]

Bernard: And is this your same-sex partner? Max: I will be if that gets me in the will. Caroline: Bernard, this is Max. She's my roommate.

Bernard

Yes, that's what we called them back in the day.

2 Broke Girls

And the Basketball Jones [5.08]

Caroline: I'm Periscoping. Max: Isn't periscoping when you do mouth stuff on a guy while he keeps a lookout for the cops? Caroline: Not all sex has to involve the threat of an arrest, Max. Periscope is a social media app that streams live videos to your followers. Tell everyone in Brooklyn who loves food festivals that we'll be at the Taste of Bushwick tomorrow.

Max

Or you can follow me into the bathroom while I change, and they can see some bushwick right now.

2 Broke Girls

And the Basketball Jones [5.08]

[Max and Caroline have VIP tickets for Oleg's cousin's basketball game] Caroline: Where are the fliers? I bet we could get a lot of business there. Max: No! We are not doing business! Tonight is supposed to be fun. Caroline: Well, I find business fun, but okay. One day, you will appreciate my ambition. Max: And one day, I will try lettuce, but not tonight. No fliers. Caroline: No fliers. Max: No fliers. Caroline: I just think this is a missed opportunity.

Max

"Missed Opportunity" was my stripper name at the Salty Dog. Look, I don't wanna work tonight. Which also happened to be my catchphrase.

2 Stupid Dogs

A Quarter/Red [1.06]

Big Dog: Give me $10,000. Lady: [screams] A bank robber! Little Dog: Come on, let's get out of here. Somebody's robbing the place. [he and Big Dog leave] Lady: He was big and hairy with a big purple nose. Man: Like this mam? [shows a drawing of Big Dog to the lady]

Lady

That's him!

2 Stupid Dogs

A Quarter/Red [1.06]

Big Dog: [on the phone] Hello? Little Dog: Hi, how are you?

Big Dog

[in jail] Not so good. Give me out of here!

2 Stupid Dogs

Trash Day/Hollywood's Ark [1.09]

Little Dog: I want the toilet seat! Big Dog: I want the toilet seat. Little Dog: I found it! Big Dog: I tipped over the trash can. Little Dog: I led us down the street! Big Dog: I woke up this morning. Little Dog: I'm littler than you! Big Dog: I used to be little. Little Dog: I have an itch on my back! Big Dog: I have a flea in my ear. Little Dog: I saw an airplane!

Big Dog

I can eat an airplane.

2 Stupid Dogs

Trash Day/Hollywood's Ark [1.09]

[the dogs are at the dumpster at night] Little Dog: I want the toilet seat! Big Dog: I want the toilet seat. Little Dog: Stop arguing with me! Big Dog: I'm not arguing with you. Little Dog: We're gonna be here all night! Big Dog: It's not night, it's day. Little Dog: It's night! Big Dog: It's day. Little Dog: We're never gonna stop! Big Dog: Yes we are. Little Dog: No we're not! Big Dog: Yes we are. Little Dog: No we're not!

Big Dog

Uh-huh.

2 Stupid Dogs

Family Values/Red Strikes Back [1.10]

[Big Dog has just eaten the Brady Bunch-type kids] Little Dog: How were they?

Big Dog

Wholesome.

2 Stupid Dogs

Stunt Dogs/Return of Red [1.11]

Hollywood: Now wasn't that cute... BUT IT'S [revels to have a pineapple covering his crotch]

Little Dog

Food!

2 Stupid Dogs

Cat/Love Doctors [1.13]

[a cute, harmless Cat has been scaring Little Dog all throughout the episode, so Big Dog woofs at the Cat, who screams and falls over petrified. Little Dog thinks he "beat up" the cat and Big Dog argues with him] Big Dog: I beat up the cat. Little Dog: I did! Big Dog: No, I did. Little Dog: Prove it! Big Dog: Prove. [Little Dog screams like the Cat and falls over petrified]

Dog Man

I will kill it!

3 South

Stomach Pump 2000

Del: I can't believe you failed your remedial math class.

Sanford

It's not my fault, the teacher hates me. Okay, I'll have one asparagus, and one asparagus, and one asparagus, and one asparagus. How many is that? Eleventy-blue?

3 South

Stomach Pump 2000

Doctor: If you followed instructions, you would have skipped those chapters and you wouldn't be behind the rest of the class. Joe: That doesn't make any sense.

Doctor

Doesn't it? I mean I'm asking you, because I'm totally lost here. I took so many painkillers this morning I can't even think straight.

3 South

My Name is Todd W.

Todd: Will you marry me? Sanford's Sister: I could never marry you, you're an alcoholic! Todd: I'm not an alcoholic. Sanford's Sister: Alright, you're really ugly.

Todd

That I can accept.

3 South

My Name is Todd W.

Dean: My God! I can't believe a drunk just fell out of a window. This college is turning into Hyannisport. The students' RA is going to get the chair! Todd: Uh, I'm the RA.

Dean

[to himself] You see, this is what happens when you have to hire based on quotas. Damn albino pressure groups.

3 South

Del Gets Sick

Del's Mom: Oh, Del, my sick little boy. I brought you your favorite comic books. Del: [groans] But I don't like Archie. I want She-Hulk. She's large and in charge. Del's Mom: [bitterly] Just take it, ya freckin' idiot! Del: Mom, you told me when someone swears, an angel dies. [cuts to Joe holding a piece of bread on a stick] Joe: For the tenth time I'm not your mom! Del: Joe? [groans] What happened?

Joe

You've been in a delirium for five days because of your dumbass friend.

3 South

Fraternity

Del: You mean girls go to the bathroom? Sanford: They pee out of their butts!

Del

But that's where babies come out!

3 South

Joe Gets Expelled

Del: That's the coolest poster of Jesus I ever saw. It glows just like he did.

Sanford

But where's his flamethrower?

3 South

100 Yr. Old Man

Sanford: Dude, look at his skin! Have you ever seen an elephants ass? Del: Why? Sanford: It's huge! Anyway, lets get back to the old guy...look at his skin! Del: Okay Dr. Heminger: Sanford and Del Report to my Doctors Office Now Go Dr. Heminger: whats going on here

Brian

Your need to you know get over it

30 Rock

Seinfeld Vision [2.1]

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island. Liz: MILF Island? Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules. Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?

Jack

That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

30 Rock

Seinfeld Vision [2.1]

Liz: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.

Jack

Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

30 Rock

Seinfeld Vision [2.1]

Jerry Seinfeld: Still talking? Liz: Oh. No, no no no. I haven't talked to him since... Whew... I dunno... August 9th, four seventeen PM... Jerry Seinfeld: Mhmm. It's not over. Liz: Oh no. It's over! I'm over it. Jerry Seinfeld: No. It's not over until you pick up the phone. You say "I don't love you anymore," they say "I don't love you anymore either." You go "great, I'll pick you up in twenty. Let's grab a scone."

Liz

A scone! Yes! I want that! I'm gonna call him!

30 Rock

Seinfeld Vision [2.1]

Liz: Hello, Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld: Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend. Liz: Yes, I did. Jerry Seinfeld: And it went well? Liz: No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered. Jerry Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her? Liz: I did a fake survey. Jerry Seinfeld: You did the fake survey?! Liz: I know! I'm not over it! [gestures to her wedding dress] And now I'm wearing this! What is the deal with my life?! Jerry Seinfeld: Are you imitating me? Liz: No! This is what I sound like when I cry! Jerry Seinfeld: I think I'm a little insulted.

Liz

You're insulted? I'm crying!

30 Rock

Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]

Tracy: Oh check this out! My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mmmm, look at this! My gold record from my novelty party song! ["Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" Music video]

Tracy

[singing, dressed up as a werewolf] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.

30 Rock

Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]

Kenneth: I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways. Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.

Kenneth

Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.

30 Rock

The Collection [2.3]

Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman. Liz: A businesswoman.

Jack

I don't think that's a word.

30 Rock

Rosemary's Baby [2.4]

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)? Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those. Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon? Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.

Jack

Are you an immigrant?

30 Rock

Greenzo [2.5]

[Cerie is holding the refrigerator open] Greenzo: Here's a tip, Cerie. Decide what you want before you open the refrigerator. You just released enough hydrofluorocarbons to kill a penguin. [pulls out a picture] This penguin! Frank: You ever take off that costume? Greenzo: You ever take off yours? , out.

Cerie

Did he just talk to me like I'm ugly?

30 Rock

Somebody To Love [2.6]

Jack: What are you doing in Harlem? C.C.: Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her universal healthcare platform.

Jack

God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

30 Rock

Somebody To Love [2.6]

C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack. Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then we'll walk away bitter and angry. C.C.: Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there. Jack: I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.

Tracy

Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

30 Rock

Cougars [2.7]

Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn. Jaime: I'm 20. Liz: Oh, boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.

Jaime

Are those friends of yours, or ...?

30 Rock

Secrets and Lies [2.8]

Jack: [about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman. [Others begin confessing their secrets.] Man #1: I gave to NPR last year. Woman: My children go to public school. Man #2: I'm gay. Man #3: I'm black. C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.

Man #1

I murdered my wife.

30 Rock

Episode 210 [2.10]

German: The machine is mankinds madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.

Jack

I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!

30 Rock

MILF Island [2.11]

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions. Liz: I'm so sorry.

Jack

I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...

30 Rock

Subway Hero [2.12]

Liz: No, we don't have a crazy..thing

Dennis

Yeah we do! We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay...

30 Rock

Subway Hero [2.12]

Kenneth: Oh no sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.

Jack

That's Republican. We count those.

30 Rock

Succession [2.13]

Tracy: My genius will not be denied! I'm like Mozart! You're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart. Frank: Salieri?

Tracy

No thank you. I already ate.

30 Rock

Succession [2.13]

Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?

Dr. Spaceman

Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.

30 Rock

Sandwich Day [2.14]

Liz: WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?!?! Tracy: Lutz made us do it. Lutz: No, it was Frank. Kenneth: THAT'S IT! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon. Because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Tracy: Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth!

Liz

I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!

30 Rock

Cooter [2.15]

Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.

Cooter

No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.

30 Rock

Cooter [2.15]

Jack: Cooter! Cooter: That's not my name. My name is James Riley. Burger? What do you think I am, a cartoon dog? The president named me that! Jack: He gave you two nicknames? Cooter: "" because I look like a turtle, and "Burger" because he saw me eating a hamburger one time! We have to get out of here. Jack: Now that's the spirit. But if they're not taking resignations, there's only one way out: we have to work together to get fired.

Cooter

It wasn't even a hamburger... it was a sandwich.

30 Rock

Cooter [2.15]

Liz:: It was the cheese curls. Jack:: Pardon? Liz:: Causing the false positives on my home pregnancy tests. Apparently, Sabor de Soledad gets its special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen. Jack:: That explains your hair's thickness and shine. Liz:: Apparently, in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before Cinco de Mayo. Jack:: I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.

Liz:

(dejectedly) They're so good.

30 Rock

Do-Over [3.1]

Jack: What I'm saying is: don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have. So now, Manny?

Manny

Tomorrow I show up for work, dressed as a Mexican Wrestler.

30 Rock

Do-Over [3.1]

Jack: This is G.E.!

Devon Banks

It's just G now, Jack, I sold the E. To Samsung. They're Samesung now.

30 Rock

Do-Over [3.1]

Liz: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.

Jack

That man can wear a sweater.

30 Rock

Do-Over [3.1]

Bev: What was your reason for wanting to adopt? Liz: Thank you, for that question, Bev. The world is a troubled place, and so many children in need of adoption worldwide... Bev: Infertility? or Other.

Liz

Other.

30 Rock

Believe in the Stars [3.2]

Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels! Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay. Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?

Jack

You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

30 Rock

Believe in the Stars [3.2]

Jeffrey: Okay, I'm . I am a mediator, and you two are having a dispute. Now why is that? Jenna: Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman.

Tracy

What? Please, we are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars! White people stole jazz, rock 'n roll, Will Smith, and heart disease! Now they think they can take my hard-earned money.

30 Rock

The One with the Cast of Night Court [3.3]

Liz: No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab-a-cop's-gun crazy.

Jack

Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.

30 Rock

The One with the Cast of Night Court [3.3]

Liz: What is wrong with you men? You're like junkies...why can't you just say no?

Jack

Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing: emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack and their self-loathing translates into... never mind.

30 Rock

The One with the Cast of Night Court [3.3]

Liz: Youre breaking union rules. Our insurance doesnt cover any of this. And youre potentially infringing on Warner Brothers intellectual property. Shut this down! Tracy: I want a different answer. Wheres Jack Donaghy?

Liz

No theres no more Jack. Hes dead to us. Break this down! Everybody out!

30 Rock

Gavin Volure [3.4]

Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin. Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings? Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars! Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?

Kenneth

Four thousand dollars!

30 Rock

Gavin Volure [3.4]

Liz: [after seeing "Tracy" sitting in the middle of the hallway] Tracy, get out of the hallway. Tracy: [jumps out from around the corner] OR AM I? Liz: Oh God, this dream again.

Tracy

That's not me. That's a Jordan Japanese Sex Doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.

30 Rock

Gavin Volure [3.4]

Gavin Volure: He's gonna' do it! 's gonna' jump!

Jack Donaghy

Don't Gavin! That's gotta be fifteen, sixteen feet!

30 Rock

Reunion [3.5]

Kenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called; they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk. Liz: I sure am. Kenneth: And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.

Liz

That's his opinion.