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30 Rock

Reunion [3.5]

Tracy: Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?

Jenna

Well, of course, Tracy. We're actors. If we didn't exist how would people know who to vote for?

30 Rock

Christmas Special [3.6]

Liz: We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?

Jack

I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.

30 Rock

Christmas Special [3.6]

Tracy: In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo Liz: Kwanzaa.

Tracy

And shalamzazam to you too, my sister.

30 Rock

Flu Shot [3.8]

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me? Jenna: Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick. Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in. Jenna: But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup. Tracy: So... go do that. Kenneth: Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup. [long pause] Jenna: I don't understand. Kenneth: Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet... Tracy: My what?! Kenneth: ...and go downstairs to the basement... Tracy: No! Kenneth: ...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here... Tracy: With what? My arms? Kenneth: ...make sure to take your IDs with you.

Tracy

That'll be the worst part!

30 Rock

Flu Shot [3.8]

Jenna: [having an idea] I've got it!

Tracy

Give it to me! It's mine!

30 Rock

Retreat To Move Forward [3.9]

Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I dont know how to say this... de-ay-bah-tees? Tracy: Diabetes?

Dr. Spaceman

That's it! Well, now we know what we're dealing with.

30 Rock

Generalissimo [3.10]

Liz: That's what I could do to Drew. Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Liz

No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!

30 Rock

Generalissimo [3.10]

Jack: Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman. Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her. Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go. Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him. Jack: But that's impossible. Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me. Jack: You really think you can pull that off? Hector Moreda: It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.

Jack

Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.

30 Rock

St. Valentine's Day [3.11]

Elisa: You over-analyze everything with your big head! Jack: Well you have big boobs. Elisa: Which you'll NEVER touch again!!

Jack

This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

30 Rock

St. Valentine's Day [3.11]

Priest: Don't you have faith? Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton. Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School. Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me. Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say. Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear. Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight? Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?

Priest

[weakly] Come on, man...

30 Rock

Larry King [3.12]

Liz: You ready for Larry King Live tonight?

Tracy

You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.

30 Rock

Goodbye, My Friend [3.13]

Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system. Frank: My client has no memory of that.

Jack

I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."

30 Rock

Goodbye, My Friend [3.13]

Jack: Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that. Liz: What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons? Jack: You've seen it?

Liz

This is my life, Jack!

30 Rock

The Funcooker [3.14]

Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.

Frank

They knew what a Hot Richard was?

30 Rock

The Bubble [3.15]

Jack: The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay. Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother. Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old. Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest! Jack: I know. Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes? Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can. Liz: Can I keep that?

Jack

No. It's my only copy.

30 Rock

The Bubble [3.15]

Jack: You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.

Liz

Or thanked! ...on.

30 Rock

Apollo, Apollo [3.16]

Dennis: [Liz answers her door] Hello, dummy. Liz: No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life. Dennis: This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict. Liz: No, you're not. Dennis: Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture. Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis. Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it? Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere! Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...

Liz

You're done.

30 Rock

Apollo, Apollo [3.16]

Jack: What happens to us? Liz: We grow up.

Jack

I had a good life, but I'll never be that happy again. I want THAT back.

30 Rock

Apollo, Apollo [3.16]

Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!

Liz

That is solid.

30 Rock

The Ones [3.19]

Liz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep. Jack: I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild. Elisa: [sneaks in] I'm sure it was!

Liz

How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!

30 Rock

The Ones [3.19]

Elisa: I have a terrible secret. Please don't ask me what it is. Liz: I don't want to know what it is! [Pause] Are you a man? Elisa: Really, Lemon? You want to see me naked?

Liz

Kind of.

30 Rock

The Natural Order [3.20]

Frank: We figured Lutz is never going to get married, but he wants a bachelor party, so we're taking him to a strip club. You wanna come? Tracy: Come on, Liz Lemon, you don't want to be treated any differently, do you? Liz: Sure, I'll go. Tracy: All right! Liz: But you won't.

Tracy

[gasp] Twist!

30 Rock

Mamma Mia [3.21]

Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty. Pete: No, that's ridiculous. Liz: Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.

Liz

He might be seventy!

30 Rock

Kidney Now! [3.22]

Liz: Where are you gonna get a kidney from?

Jack

I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.

30 Rock

Kidney Now! [3.22]

Jack: Well, musicians have banded together before to solve all kinds of problems: world hunger, the collapse of the American farm, global warming. And, uh, you're 0 for 3, guys.

Mary J. Blige

(playing herself): I am disappointed in us as a group!

30 Rock

Pilot [1.1]

Tracy: Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail. Liz: What white dudes? Tracy: All of 'em. Jack Donaghy. General Electric. George Bush. Karl Robe. Liz: Karl Robe, you say? Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

Liz

Sure.

30 Rock

The Aftermath [1.2]

[Jenna and Liz are discussing actor Tracy Jordan.] Jenna: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia? Liz: Yeah. Jenna: And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof? Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues. Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.

Liz

When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.

30 Rock

The Aftermath [1.2]

Tracy: So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable? Toofer: I'm doing good. Tracy: Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son. [Tracy leaves the room.]

Frank

[to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.

30 Rock

Jack the Writer [1.4]

Tracy: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving. Kenneth: Oh, okay.

Tracy

So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

30 Rock

Jack-Tor [1.5]

Pete: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.

Liz

No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

30 Rock

Jack-Tor [1.5]

[Jack in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]

Jack

All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "POS-MENS" of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your characters purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.

30 Rock

Jack Meets Dennis [1.6]

Dennis: Hi. Duffy, Beeper King. Jack: The Beeper King, really? Liz: Dennis has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful. Dennis: You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right? Jack: I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant. Liz: It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Dennis has some dietary restrictions. Dennis: Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know. Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis. Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it. Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King? Dennis: I don't think so. Liz: Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to. Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant. Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay. Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?

Jack

I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.

30 Rock

Jack Meets Dennis [1.6]

Tracy: I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.

Liz

Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.

30 Rock

Tracy Does Conan [1.7]

Jack: Conan, Tracys really excited to be back on your show. Conan: I dont know. Hes kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who dont try to stab me. Jack: Well, Tracys feeling a lot better now. Hes under a doctors care. Conan: Thats what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break. Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way. Conan: Whats the hard way? Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won. Conan: Tell Tracy Ill see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.

Jack

Back at you, Red.

30 Rock

Tracy Does Conan [1.7]

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack

It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

30 Rock

The Break-Up [1.8]

Tracy Jordan in drag talking with Frank Rossitano Frank: Yeah it's pretty good but I think the boobs should swing more.

Tracy

Yeah then I could go "Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom booms."

30 Rock

The Break-Up [1.8]

[Man walks up to Liz at the bar] Gentleman: Excuse me, is this seat taken? Liz: [sighs] Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there - can't you just be cool? [Man leaves] Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!

Liz

Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

30 Rock

The Baby Show [1.9]

Liz: What's going on, business got ya down?

Jack

Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.

30 Rock

The Rural Juror [1.10]

Jenna: Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View. Pete: Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

Jenna

Yeah, I know!

30 Rock

The Rural Juror [1.10]

Tracy: So GE will produce the Jordan Meat Machine? Jack: Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [ rolls down a complex organizational chart ] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea, and they will make the Meat Machine. Tracy: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

Jack

I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

30 Rock

The Head and the Hair [1.11]

Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss. Kenneth: Thank you, sir!

Jack

That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

30 Rock

The Head and the Hair [1.11]

[Jack, who has traded jobs with Kenneth, has bought Josh the wrong salad] Josh: Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach? Jack: Yes. You asked for [pulls out a sheet of paper] one spinach salad. Josh: Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine. Jack: Should I take it back? Josh: I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right? Jack: That is correct. Josh: [angrily] Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! [to Kenneth, who is standing in the doorway] Too much?

Kenneth

No, that's usually how it goes.

30 Rock

Black Tie [1.12]

Liz: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you? Jenna: Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it! Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

Jenna

No, you're a good friend and thank you.

30 Rock

Black Tie [1.12]

Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age. Liz: I'm 12 years younger than you.

Jack

A woman your age then.

30 Rock

Black Tie [1.12]

Jack: I had lunch with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter Alexis.

Liz

Gross.

30 Rock

Up All Night [1.13]

Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you. Bianca: Fine. Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them. Bianca: Fine. Jack: I want all of our love letters. Bianca: [laughing] Fine. Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters. Bianca: Fine. Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.

Bianca

Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

30 Rock

Up All Night [1.13]

Josh: Cerie said she would do it with you.

Kenneth

Well that just makes me perspire.

30 Rock

Up All Night [1.13]

Floyd: I work up in Legal, and Liz: [interrupting] You're a lawyer?

Floyd

I prefer... Law Stylist

30 Rock

The C Word [1.14]

Jack: I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.

Liz

Was Courtney Love not available?

30 Rock

The C Word [1.14]

[looking at a basket of kittens] Liz: Oh...Look at theeese guuuys Cat Wrangler: They like you. They're very good as sensing debilitating loneliness in a person. Do you wanna adopt one?

Liz

I can't. I'm allergic to anything warm and adorable.

30 Rock

The C Word [1.14]

[attempting to explain the word used to insult her] Liz: It rhymes with your favorite Todd Rundgren album.

Frank

It rhymes with Hermit of Mink Hollow?

30 Rock

Hard Ball [1.15]

Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.

Kenneth

Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

30 Rock

The Source Awards [1.16]

Liz: I truly don't like you as a person. [inspirational music starts playing] Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along? Steven: Liz, I wish it could be like that... and maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that, but it just doesn't work that way today. Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.

Steven

No, no, no, no, no. [music stops] Some women are gay.

30 Rock

The Fighting Irish [1.17]

Tracy: So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

Liz

I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

30 Rock

Fireworks [1.18]

Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you? Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York? Kenneth: No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly. Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you. Kenneth: Really? So did I! Jack: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you. Kenneth: Ok. What kinds of questions?

Jack

I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?

30 Rock

Fireworks [1.18]

Jack: Devon, what can I do for you? Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job. Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you. Devon: Yeah? Well you should be. Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting. Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.

Jack

No, Devon. I don't do that.

30 Rock

Corporate Crush [1.19]

[Liz enters a room and stands behind Jack] Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon. Liz: How do you do that without turning around?

Jack

To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

30 Rock

Cleveland [1.20]

Phoebe: You know how John Lennon was better than all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!

Liz

You want to be Yoko?!

30 Rock

Hiatus [1.21]

Colleen: [referring to Phoebe] All right, scout's honor, what do you think of her? [Jack gives Liz a look]

Liz

She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... white geisha.

30 Rock

Hiatus [1.21]

Jack: You've got to get back to work and come up with something with or without Tracy, or we are gonna be screwed. Liz: Okay.

Jack

Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say "Sock It To Me."

30 Rock

Idiots are People Three [6.03]

Criss: You don't use the tab closers on cereal boxes!

Liz

If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.

30 Rock

The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell [6.04]

Amy: Ugh, I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on.

Liz

Let me imagine what Peeta Mallark looks like, and how his arms smell of bread.

30 Rock

Today You Are a Man [6.05]

Accountant: My son Adam is a huge, huge fan!

Tracy

Yes, many of our viewers are obese.

30 Rock

Today You Are a Man [6.05]

Jack: Whatever you do, dont speak first. Ninety percent of negotiations are lost by the person who speaks first. Because what is speaking a sign of? Audience member: ...weakness?

Jack

You out. Fired.

30 Rock

Hey Baby, What’s Wrong? [6.06/6.07]

Jack: Oh, Diana, you're here, I thought youd be at the house.

Diana

Oh yes, I dropped my bags off and shook hands with the baby but I wanted to come talk to you about Avery's situation.

30 Rock

Hey Baby, What’s Wrong? [6.06/6.07]

Jack: Extracting an American from North Korea is a, ah, is a lot more difficult than arranging a round robin paddle tennis tournament.

Diana

What about arranging three round robin paddle tennis tournaments?

30 Rock

Hey Baby, What’s Wrong? [6.06/6.07]

Jack: You know what? Avery loved a good fight. She used to call the cable company to dispute our bill just for the sport of it. She wouldn't stand for this dog and pony show. Diana: I've organized several dog and pony shows and I'm offended by what you're implying. Jack: How are you Avery's mother?

Diana

We have several things in common, Jack. We both married much, much older menwhich can be hard, or more often flaccid.

30 Rock

The Tuxedo Begins [6.08]

Jack: You have no interest in helping me. Youre one of them. What do you make, five figures? Lenny Wozniak: Forty grand a year. But don't let the woman who is blackmailing me know that.

Jack

And the police have no interest in helping me either despite the hundreds of dollars a year I pay in taxes!

30 Rock

The Tuxedo Begins [6.08]

Jack: Liddy is at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is perfect. Tracy: I know what you're doing. The first time I got mugged I didn't leave my room for a week. I hid. But not in a tuxedo. All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions. It made me feel invincible. Like someone who wouldn't get scared and freeze up when they got mugged.

Young Tracy

Perfectly executed Chewbacca sound!

30 Rock

Leap Day [6.09]

Thad: And youyou were the star of The Sound of Music.

Liz

Thank you. Not everyone thinks of the young Nazi boy as the star of that show.

30 Rock

Leap Day [6.09]

Lutz: Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear! Liz: The hell?! Lutz: Youre not wearing yellow and blue on Leap Day. Liz: So what? Leap Day is not a thing. Kenneth: [singing] Leap Day William, Leap Day William, bursting from the sea; will he bring his bucket of sweets for mom and pop and me? Liz: What the crap is going on in here? Kenneth: Why, Leap Day William is visiting! Liz: Leap Day William? Kenneth: Miss Lemon, did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Mariana Trench, he emerges every four years to trade childrens tears for candy.

Liz

What? No. But White Haven was founded by the Amish, and we really only celebrated their holidays.

30 Rock

Leap Day [6.09]

Jim Carrey as Leap Day William: Merry Leap Day, everybody! Passerby: Hey, take a leap, pal!

Jim Carrey as Leap Day William

That's the spirit!

30 Rock

Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky [6.10]

Tracy: Wow, Jay Mo. You sound like a cop. And I should know. My uncle was a cop. In a porno.

Jenna

Tracy, every blond actress in the business has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop with special abilities. Mine was called Good Looking. I played Alexis Goodlooking, who was also good looking, and my special ability was being good at looking for clues.

30 Rock

Standards and Practices [6.11]

Liz: In college, I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid...

Tracy

Oh, you're the one who solved that? Thank you soooo much!

30 Rock

Grandmentor [6.13]

Jack: The UN is useless, the State Department is full of Democrats, and as it turns out Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles...

Liz

That explains all the vigils!

30 Rock

Grandmentor [6.13]

Hazel: Can I ask your advice, woman to woman? Liz: Are you sure? 'Cause I took one of those "Which Gossip Girl Are You?" quizzes, and it said I was the dad's guitar. Hazel: [scoffs] Please, you are so amazing. This place is such a boys' club, but you boss them around like an Amazon warrior queen. And look at your body! Your rack is like, "Pow!" Liz: Hazel, what is the question? Hazel: It's Kenneth. He's not a page anymore, but he keeps trying to do my job for me. And when I confronted him about it, he was so condescending! He laughed at me, then he undressed me with his eyes. Then he had his way with me... with his eyes. Liz: Ugh, the male gaze.

Hazel

Yeah, they're all a bunch of gays.

30 Rock

Kidnapped By Danger [6.14]

Jack: You really are an extraordinary young man, Kenneth. No matter what happens, you always keep your chin up.

Kenneth

Medically it's a neck ridge.

30 Rock

Kidnapped By Danger [6.14]

Jack: You stay positive, you always believe that everything is going to work out! How do you do it?

Kenneth

Well, I'll tell you my secret, sir! [He leans in] I lie to myself. Every morning when I wake up, I say, "everything's going to be okay" but I'm lying! [Jack tries to stand, but holds him in place] And I don't know how much longer I can do it. [he emits a pained squeal] Have a swell night, sir!

30 Rock

Murphy Brown Lied to Us [6.18]

Tracy: Jenna, I've been thinking...

Jenna

But Tracy, you're a celebrity.

30 Rock

What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year? [6.22]

Jack: You don't need my advice.

Liz

But I still want it.

30 Rock

The Fabian Strategy [5.01]

Liz: I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my "life stuff" mixing with my "dude stuff."

Jack

A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is!

30 Rock

When it Rains, it Pours [5.02]

Tracy: I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons, for very legitimate reasons.

Dotcom

"Cooking a French bread pizza" and "forgot".

30 Rock

Let's Stay Together [5.03]

Regina Bookman: Mr. Donaghy, this may be just be about money to you, but as a member of Congress and a black woman...

Jack

I don't really see color or gender, Mr. Chang.

30 Rock

Live Show [5.04]

Jack: Does it seem weird to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera. Good God, I can see every line and pore on your face.

Liz

Yeah, well my face cream was recalled. Apparently it was killing the lab rats'...Ugh what was it?... brains!

30 Rock

Live Show [5.04]

Kenneth: A Mr. Brett 'Fav-ray' stopped by and, uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog. Jenna: Finally. Kenneth: Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them. Jenna: So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine? Kenneth: Also, your pharmacy called, and apparently you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.

Jenna

Ugh, thanks, Obamacare!

30 Rock

Live Show [5.04]

Liz: Wow, you were very fit back then.

Jack

Yes, but my penis was smaller.

30 Rock

Reaganing [5.05]

Jack: You have more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried? Liz: What?

Jack

That was written by a computer program we're working on to replace you.

30 Rock

Gentleman's Intermission [5.06]

Jack: Certainly you can't be surprised that there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there. Don't you ever Google yourself?

Tracy

Sure, I google myself all the time, like when Angie's not in the mood or I'm alone in a hotel.

30 Rock

Gentleman's Intermission [5.06]

Jenna: What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Maroney. I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit. Erica: I know who you are, Miss Maroney, but you're not on the list. They only make obits for people they think are, you know, important.

Jenna

[grabs list and reads] Like who? "Kim Jong-il?" I've never heard of her.

30 Rock

Gentleman's Intermission [5.06]

Dick Lemon: Hey, Liz. It's your father, . Liz: Dad, you don't have to say your name every time.

Dick Lemon

Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. It lets people know your race even when they can't see you.

30 Rock

Brooklyn Without Limits [5.07]

Liz: Sometimes you have to do the right thing even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier, die Werewolf Zombie, die. Liz: What's going on today? Has everyone lost their moral compass?

Jack

You're being awfully high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband drowned so she could get out of a gym contract.

30 Rock

Brooklyn Without Limits [5.07]

Jack: Shes courting the youth vote. That means shes desperate.

Jonathan

My generation never votes. It interferes with talking about ourselves all the time.

30 Rock

Brooklyn Without Limits [5.07]

Liz: You don't know what you're talking about, these jeans are hand-made in USA.

Jack

You're mispronouncing that, they're Hand made in Usa. The Hand are a Vietnamese slave race and Usa is their island prison. Want to know how they get the stitching so small? Orphans.

30 Rock

Brooklyn Without Limits [5.07]

Liz: Well, you were right about Brooklyn Without Limits: crunchy on the outside, right wing nutjob on the inside.

Jack

Like Ann Coulter's underwear.

30 Rock

College [5.08]

Jack: Pete and I are having a little college night. Liz: Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this? [Liz begins shoving an entire pizza into her mouth] Jack: Oh God! She means the pizza!

Pete

Shes unhinging her jaw!

30 Rock

College [5.08]

Liz: Come on, my card only has a 1 in 52 chance of getting picked anyway. Tracy: How did you know that? Youre like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground? Liz: Zero.

Tracy

We need to go to Vegas.

30 Rock

Mrs. Donaghy [5.11]

Jack: This isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.

Liz

Well, I've been to a rodeo too. It was a cat rodeo, in a gay guy's apartment.

30 Rock

Mrs. Donaghy [5.11]

Liz: (on TV): My husband and I are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, the Arts, and Feelings. As embarrassed Americans, Jack and I pledge 5 million dollars to create a new generation of choreographers and puppeteers, clowns, video artists, and theatrical jugglers who will ask the world: what is art?

Jack

(to TV): We know what art is: it's paintings of horses!

30 Rock

Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning [5.12]

Liz: You are disgusting! And I have absolutely no reason to apologise to him.

Tracy

And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.

30 Rock

Double-Edged Sword [5.14]

Kenneth: The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing. Tracy: Clear. Kenneth: Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break. Tracy: I'll need a whale saddle. Kenneth: And Steven Spielberg wants you to star in his next movie.

Tracy

Kate Capshaw's husband?!