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30 Rock

TGS Hates Women [5.16]

Kaylee: Mr. Donaghy! What are you doing here?

Jack

I could ask you the same thing! But it would make no sense.

30 Rock

TGS Hates Women [5.16]

Kaylee: The ocean is for tools. Jack: The ocean is awesome and for winners. You're for tools!

Jack

They'll say " Donaghy was the greatest oceanographer who ever lived. And we walruses owe Him everything for giving us the gift of language."

30 Rock

TGS Hates Women [5.16]

Abby Flynn: You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy? Right in the middle of it one of us had to get up to go use the bathroom and then we all had to go! [laughs] Liz: Okay there's something that everyone here needs to see. Abby, you might want to sit down for this. Sue: Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas Liz: A chair! Come on, Sue. Abby, this is for your own good. Open Apple. Tough love time. Abby Grossman: [internet video on laptop] Has anyone ever actually had a good time at brunch? You know- Pete: Is that you? Abby Flynn: I don't know where you found that, but I am taking it DOWN. [laughs] That's what she said! Liz: Okay, first of all Steve Carell owns "that's what she said." He owns it. And second of all, it's time to stop hiding. A young person helped me online-post this on JoanOfSnark.com. [shows Abby site with article headline "Abby Flynn Before She Was Abby Flynn" and a video of Abby Grossman] Abby Grossman: [in real voice] You stupid meddling bitch! Liz: Yes! There's your real voice! There's Abby Grossman! To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, [in crazy old woman voice] "We are all-" Abby Grossman: Do you understand what you've done? You have signed my death warrant. Liz: How's that now? Abby Grossman: My ex-husband is going to see this, he's going to find out where I am and he's going to try to run me over with his car again! I changed my appearance to get away from him! Liz: Oh, cuz I thought it was like... pressure from society. Abby Grossman: You're right Liz, I was hiding: From a man who went insane after being electrocuted while watching Sleeping With the Enemy. Jenna: I was cut out of that. Abby Grossman: Yeah, I was desperate for male attention because I feel safer having men around in case Troy comes back. That is why I slept with Lutz. Lutz: And I shall protect her. UPS Man: Is there an Abby Flynn here? Lutz: That her, Troy! I'm on your side! Get her! Pete: Jeez, Lutz, it's the UPS guy. [Lutz pees himself] Liz: Okay I think we all owe Abby an apology. Abby Grossman: Oh my God. It's from him. "I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven". Great, I have six hours to start a new life. I'll have to be a redhead this time. Liz: I don't know... your coloring. You know what, don't listen to me. Abby Grossman: You must really hate women, Liz. Liz Lemon is a Judas to all women-kind! [Jenna gives Liz double thumbs up]

Liz

Okay. We were on page six, where Wonder Woman gets her period.

30 Rock

100: Parts 1 & 2 [5.20]

Jack: Just get him [Tracy] back in time for the show. I have a very full plate. Liz: Really? Is it from that pie place? Jack: And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show. Liz: Oh. Ok. Fine. But just to be clear....

Jack

There is no pie!

30 Rock

Respawn [5.23]

Liz: Ive just had a hard couple of months. Work has been crazy, and I went through a bad break up, and then there was this plastic bag that represented my death.

Dr. Spaceman

Sounds like you can use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.

30 Rock

Season 4 [4.01]

[A waitress brings Jack, Liz, Tracy and Jenna food] Jenna: What is this?

Liz

Alright, Cheesy Blasters! [sings] You take a hot-dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza - You got Cheesy Blasters! [spoken] And then all the kids say "Thanks, Meat Cat!" and Meat Cat flies away on his, um, skateboard.

30 Rock

Stone Mountain [4.03]

Tracy: Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween, or Princeton Parents' weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin... Kenneth: It's Halloween, sir.

Tracy

Proud it is.

30 Rock

Stone Mountain [4.03]

Frank: Tracy, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy Pac-man was based off of, died.

Tracy

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

30 Rock

Stone Mountain [4.03]

Jack: The television audience doesnt want your elitist, east coast, alternative, intellectual, left wing...

Liz

Just say Jewish Jack, this is taking forever.

30 Rock

Audition Day [4.04]

Jenna: He's evil, Tracy!

Tracy

He's evil ? Oh, "He's evil" [comma], "."

30 Rock

The Problem Solvers [4.05]

Liz: Do I look okay?

Cerie

That's exactly how you look.

30 Rock

Sun Tea [4.06]

Tracy: What made you change your mind? Jack: Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.

Tracy

Well, I hope he made me an acrosse helmet so I don't get hurt playing acrosse! [seeing Jack's confused stare] Now come on, that's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of an hallucination.

30 Rock

Sun Tea [4.06]

Jack: What have children ever done for us?

Kenneth

Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

30 Rock

Dealbreakers Talk Show No. 0001 [4.07]

Jonathan: Sir, a Mr. Adouche is on the phone? I. M. Adouche. Jack: I am a douche? [winces] Banks!! [picks up phone] What do you want? Devon: Did you say it?

Jack

No, I knew right away.

30 Rock

Dealbreakers Talk Show No. 0001 [4.07]

Jack: Moron says what? Devon: What? [Jack snickers and closes the phone]

Devon

Moron says what? Jack? ...Jack?

30 Rock

Secret Santa [4.08]

Liz: Really - you want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... like a... bird, like a friendly bird, that embraces all... ideas, and just like, shoots... out of its eyes, all kinds of beauty.

Jack

Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway.

30 Rock

Black Light Attack [4.10]

Liz: No, Jack. You were just talking about how you miss office hookups. That is a double standard. Jack: Calm down.

Liz

I won't calm down. Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.

30 Rock

Winter Madness [4.11]

Liz: So what's going on with you and Nancy, anyway?

Jack

We're just friends. It's platonic. I have elaborate fantasies of her husband dying in a boat explosion.

30 Rock

Anna Howard Shaw Day [4.13]

Avery: Who is number one in your speed dial? Jack: BlackBerry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffett. Avery: Favorite movie?

Jack

Tie -- The Fountainhead or Uncle Buck.

30 Rock

Anna Howard Shaw Day [4.13]

Liz: If I die, my ghost is gonna haunt you!

Frank

Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.

30 Rock

Future Husband [4.14]

Jenna: Future husband? Who did you put in your address book as "Future Husband"? Liz: I have absolutely no idea. Jenna: Well, whenever I find something weird in my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to last time I was drunk. Liz: Oh my God, the dentist's office!

Jenna

Your dentist gets drunk with you, too?

30 Rock

Don Geiss, America and Hope [4.15]

Jack: He built GE into the greatest company on Earth, and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe!

Tracy

It's like a black barbie doll in Arizona - nobody's buying it!

30 Rock

Don Geiss, America and Hope [4.15]

Wesley:: So does this mean you've come to your senses? Are you ready to settle, and become Mrs. Snipes? Liz: No. I wanted to tell you to your face that I know that I can do better than you. And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes. [beat] Hang on, is your name Wesley Snipes? That is insane.

Wesley:

[annoyed] It's insane that the actor Wesley Snipes has that name! Look. If you saw a picture of him, and a picture of me, and you were asked "Who should be named *Wesley* *Snipes*?" You'd pick the pale Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!

30 Rock

Lee Marvin VS Derek Jeter [4.17]

Jack: Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.

Liz

I feel like you've been saving that one.

30 Rock

Lee Marvin VS Derek Jeter [4.17]

Jenna: Jerem! Look how drunk I am and how full of cheese my mouth is!

Jerem

That's not that much cheese.

30 Rock

Khonani [4.18]

[On the phone] Tracy: Parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry. Liz: What?

Tracy

Don't throw a party for vengence. It will turn on you... like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

30 Rock

Argus [4.19]

Kenneth: Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait. Liz Lemon: Why is everyone codenamed Badger? Kenneth: I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.

Liz Lemon

No, I said I didn't care.

30 Rock

The Moms [4.20]

Buzz Aldrin: I'm sorry if I upset you. Would you like to yell at the moon with ? Liz Lemon: Yes, please. [Both turn to the moon] Buzz Aldrin: I own you! Liz Lemon: You dumb moon! Buzz Aldrin: I walked on your face!

Liz Lemon

Don't you know it's day? Idiot!

30 Rock

Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land [4.21]

Tracy: Its all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish! Tracy: All my life Ive tried to forget the things Ive seen a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train!

Tracy

I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendys. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.

30 Rock

I Do Do [4.22]

Jack: The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am, I do do. Liz: Yeah, you do.

Jack

Grow up, Lemon.

30 Rock

I Do Do [4.22]

Wesley: Fine, it's your loss. There's only one Snipes in the world. Liz: You know there isn't!

Wesley

Ugh!

3-2-1 Penguins!

Trouble on Planet Wait-Your-Turn

[The Conrad family are driving their way to drop off their kids, Jason and Michelle, at Grandmum's cottage] Jason: [as Michelle's doll's shoe hits him on the side of his head] Mom, she did it again! Mrs. Conrad: Michelle, now come on, we're almost there. Apologize to your brother. Michelle: Sorry, Jason. Mrs. Conrad: I hope you two don't act this way while you're at Grandmum's. Michelle: [excited] Yay, Grandmum's cottage! Jason: Yay, Grandmum's cottage. You know, Trevor's at Space Camp right now. Mrs. Conrad: Jason, you'll get to go to Space Camp after Grandmum's cottage. You're just going to need to be patient. Michelle: I just love Grandmum's cottage! Are we almost there? Mr. Conrad: You should know where we are, cupcake, unless you aren't wearing your glasses again. [the car pulls up in front of the cottage] Hey, hey, hey! We're here! Grandmum: [walks to the car; excitedly] Hello, sweeties! How's my two favorite twin pumpkins? Michelle: Hi, Grandma! Jason: Hi, Grandma. Grandmum: Oh, that's "" to you, you little bugs! Mr. Conrad: Oh, you kids are gonna love it here. Your grandfather finished this place when I was about your age. Grandmum: That's right. Built the whole place himself, he did. Quite a man, your granddad. [gets a hug from Michelle] Oh! Goodness, now, which one are you, then? Michelle: We're not identical twins, Grandmum. Jason: Thank goodness. Michelle: Just remember, I'm the cute one. Jason: And I'm the one who's supposed to be at Space Camp. [gets out of the car] Mrs. Conrad: Okay, that's everything. I'm afraid we have to run or we'll miss our flight. Mr. Conrad: Thanks for watching the kids, Mom. Jason and Michelle, we'll call you when we get there. Grandmum: Have a good trip. And don't you worry about these two, they'll be just fine here. No better place for kids, you know. Mr. Conrad: That's right. Mrs. Conrad: Bye-bye, sweethearts, we love you! Be good for your grandmum. Mr. Conrad: And have fun! Grandmum: Come on, pumpkins! You can give me a hand with supper. Michelle: Bye! Mrs. and Mr. Conrad: Goodbye! Jason: Goodbye. [The car starts pulling away but comes back after a few seconds]

Mr. Conrad

Jason, your mom and I know you'd rather be at Space Camp right now, so we got you and Michelle something that might make the time go faster. Now, be sure you take turns with your sister. We'll call you tonight, buddy.

3-2-1 Penguins!

Trouble on Planet Wait-Your-Turn

[The Rockhopper ship comes to life and Jason meets the penguin crew for the first time] Zidgel: Jason T. Conrad. Jason: Huh? Zidgel: We need your help! Jason: You're, you're alive! Midgel: Of course we are, kid. It's much easier to do our jobs that way. Zidgel: Get in here, Jason. The galaxy waits for no man! Jason: What? I can't. I'm too big. Zidgel: Ah, too big, too big. When I was your size, I was twice your size. [to Fidgel] Dr. Fidgel, galeezle him. Fidgel: Yes, right away. [fires the galeezle and a big claw comes out of the ship, grabbing Jason] Jason: Hey! [gets pulled into their ship] I-I-I can't believe you guys are alive. Zidgel: Of course we are. Midgel: Either that or you're daydreaming. Fidgel: That's true. Sensors indicate that he could be daydreaming. Midgel: But no time for small talk now, we've got work to do. Jason: What about my sister? Is she coming?

Zidgel

Don't worry, she'll get her chance. But right now, you're the one that we need.

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka

[Michelle meets the penguin crew for the first time as the Rockhopper roars to life] Zidgel: Michelle Francis Conrad. Michelle: Uh, Jason? It's for you. Zidgel: Not so fast! You're the one we need, this time. Michelle: Jason's right. You guys are alive. Midgel: Either that or you're daydreaming.

Zidgel

Dr. Fidgel, galeezle her.

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Doom Funnel Rescue!

[The mailman drops off mail at Grandmum's cottage and drives away] Jason and Michelle: [run out the front door] Mail! Jason: Race ya. Michelle: Well...okay! [runs to the mailbox] Jason: Hey, no fair! Michelle, come on! Michelle: [opens the mailbox] What's the matter? It's just the mail. Jason: Come on, I'm desperate! If I don't hear something from the outside world soon, I'm gonna crack! Michelle: Well...let's just see what the postman's brought. Could this be for you? Oh no, I guess not. But ooh! Here's an exciting opportunity to refund your home at today's low rate. Jason: Michelle... Michelle: You know, it's never too early to start planning for your retirement. Jason: That does it. Prepare to--rarrr! Michelle: Hey, Jason! Jason: Come on, hand it over! Michelle: Cut it out! Jason: It's no use resisting. Grandmum: Goodness, muffins, what's all this? Jason: Michelle won't let me see the mail. Grandmum: Now, now, Michelle, what is it the Good Book says? Oh, yes! "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." I suppose that goes for the mail as well. Michelle: I was gonna give it to him eventually. Grandmum: Let's see, bills, bills, some lovely coupons, a card for Michelle, oh! And here's a nice letter for Jason. Jason: For me? Hey, it's from Trevor! [pulls out a photo Trevor on the anti-gravity simulator] Look, here's a picture of him on the anti-gravity simulator. Michelle: Personally, I never understood why a bunch of kids would wait in line just to get nauseous. Grandmum: Well, come along, bugs. We'll all read our mail over some delicious prune trifle.

Jason

Yeah, here we can get nauseous without the weight.

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Doom Funnel Rescue!

[Jason lays on the couch reading Trevor's letter] Trevor: [voice-over] And being weightless is so cool. Friday we learned all about space storms. Rocket science is a real blast. Get it? Ha, ha. Hey, remember that day we went to Astroland and rode on the Twister 28 times in a row? Nobody can take centrifugal force like you and me, right? I really wish you were here. Stuff's always more fun when you're around. Well, I gotta go meet John Glenn. Write soon, and tell me all the exciting things you've been doing. Your pal, . Michelle: Grandmum, the sink's leaking again! Grandmum: Well, we'll fix it up in a jiffy. Just need to find my supply of duct tape. [enters the living room; to Jason, laying on the couch] Nice of Trevor to write you, wasn't it? I'm sure he misses you a lot. Jason: Yeah, I can tell. Grandmum: You should write him back right away. I'll bet he'd love hearing from you. You can tell him all about what you've been doing. Michelle: [coming down the stairs] Good idea! There was that one paperclip chain you made, and helping Grandmum put on her hair net, and that awful morning we, uh, ran out of toast. Grandmum: Woah, don't like to think about that too much. Jason: [sits up and gets off the couch] Well, I'm sure Trevor is having too much fun to bother reading any letter from me. Grandmum: You know, love, he might be a little homesick. Hearing from you could be just what the doctor ordered. Jason: Yeah, I think I'll just go upstairs.

Grandmum

I'm sure you'll do the right thing, dear.

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Doom Funnel Rescue!

Fidgel: We are headed for Space Colony Doublewide. It's interstellar cyclonic doom funnel season there. And our cargo is their supply of emergency duct tape. Jason: Emergency duct tape?

Fidgel

Yes, it's for lashing space colony modules together. Otherwise, they slip their moorings, and those fragile trailers bash each other in the high winds, until they're splintered into smithereens. If we don't get it there in time, the entire population is done for!

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Doom Funnel Rescue!

Midgel: [checks the fuel gauge, noticing the ship's fuel is nearly empty] Empty. We're running on fumes. You told me you prepared everything for the mission! Zidgel: Of course! And here it is! Styling gel, mousse, conditioner. Midgel: But what about gas? You said you got gas. Zidgel: And I did! But I'm feeling much better now, thank you. Midgel: [angrily snapping] I meant rocket fuel! Zidgel: Oh.

Jason

Uh, guys, wouldn't it be a good idea to get some more fuel quick before we totally run out?

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Doom Funnel Rescue!

Jason: What's that? Kevin: Not sure really, I got it free with my Prune Trifle burrito. Jason: [reading] "B-I-N-G, Beneficial Imprinting Neuralnet Gizmo." Kevin: B.I.N.G. Jason: Look, here's the button to start it. [presses a button on the back and a flashbulb pops out, flashing Kevin as he covers his eyes] Hey, you guys, check this out.

Fidgel

Most interesting. I believe that B.I.N.G. has somehow imprinted on Kevin's behavior, like a newborn duckling does with the first creature it sees.

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Doom Funnel Rescue!

Kevin: Goodbye, B.I.N.G. I won't forget you. Zidgel: Did I miss something? Seems to me we're down one robot in the deal.

Jason

Kevin just realized that it was wrong to keep B.I.N.G. to himself when he had a chance to do good for the professor and the whole colony. "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act."

3-2-1 Penguins!

The Doom Funnel Rescue!

[Jason and Michelle say their prayers before going to bed] Jason and Michelle: Dear God... Michelle: Please bless Grandmum and keep Mom and Dad safe on their trip. Jason: And thank you for teaching me the importance of doing good things for people whenever I have the chance. And please watch over Preston. He's a really great mouse. Michelle: Even if he did eat the bridal bouquet.

Jason and Michelle

Amen.

3-2-1 Penguins!

I Scream, You Scream!

Admiral Strap: Penguins! Come in, penguins! Zidgel: Admiral Strap, sir! [salutes] Michelle: Uh, who's that?

Fidgel

That's Admiral Strap. Our commander at Federation HQ.

3-2-1 Penguins!

I Scream, You Scream!

[The Rockhopper arrives at Grandmum's cottage in the attic, sending Jason and Michelle back] Zigel: Well, until next time, cadets! Midgel: G'bye, mates! Jason and Michelle: Goodbye! [As Fidgel fires the galeezle, the claw pops out and falls on the floor, covered in gum] Michelle: Oh no, what happened? Jason: What happened?! Can't you see? The thing's broken! Michelle: How? Fidgel: [examines the gum] Hmm...corn syrup, soy lecithin, and titanium dioxide, if I'm not very much mistaken. A construct otherwise known as... Jason: Hubby chubby bubble gum! Oh no! [points angrily at Michelle] It was you! You must have spit it out when the galeezel pulled us in! Michelle: I wasn't the only one with hubby chubby! You were chewing it too! Jason: I swallowed mine! Michelle: Well, I didn't do it! You must have done it! Jason: I didn't do it! You did! Michelle: No, you did! Zidgel: Ah, ah! Temper, temper. Here we go, accusing each other again! Remember what old Sol told us: not smart without all the facts. Jason: Well, the fact is we aren't going to be able to get back to Grandmum's and it's all Michelle's fault! Michelle: Can you fix it, Fidgel? Fidgel: Well, um...it's not...Well, I can try. Jason: "Try?!" Oh no! We're going to stay this size? I'm only as big as my little finger! Michelle: Can you make it work again?

Fidgel

[pulls out a small, burned out device covered in gum] This is what makes it work. The metric magnetic matter disperser. The only one in existence as far as I know! Without this, the galeezle is useless! I fear the bubble gum has burnt it out.

3-2-1 Penguins!

I Scream, You Scream!

Fidgel: Jason, Michelle, would you like a sandwich? Jason: No. I just want Grandmum's cocoa. Michelle: I thought you weren't talking to me. Jason: I wasn't talking to you, you galeezle breaker! Michelle: I didn't break it. You did! Your gum must've come out when you were screaming like a baby. Jason: Screaming like a baby?! Michelle: Yes, you always scream like a baby when galeezled into the ship! Zidge: [angrily enters the main room after taking a shower with his hair all droopy] KEVIN! YOU'VE BEEN INTO MY SHAMPOO AGAIN! Midgel: Calm down, captain. Zidgel: Calm down? Calm down?! Listen to me! "Ridiculous proportions shampoo" is shampoo! Do you hear me? Shampoo! But you always use it as a body wash! A body wash! Do you know how much body you have to wash?! Midgel: Now wait just a minute, captain. Didn't you say earlier that we shouldn't be too quick to accuse each other? [gasps as he sees his poster lying in the table] Doc! Doc! What have you done to my poster?! Fidgel: I--I just needed something to protect the table. Midgel: Do you know how much this is worth?! It was from the last tour of the Boomerangutans! Fidgel: [miffed] Well, if you wouldn't leave your quarters in such a mess, how am I to know what's rare and what's rubbish? [As the penguins argue with each other, Jason and Michelle cover their ears] Jason: Nice going, Michelle! Michelle: What?! Now you're blaming me for this?!

Jason

We wouldn't even be here if you hadn't broken the galeezle!

3-2-1 Penguins!

Lazy Daze

[The Rockhopper pulls up at the Comet Lounge] Zidgel: Captain's blog, we're going on a picnic. Michelle: So, what are we doing here? Midgel: Had to stop off for some supplies, first. Soda pop, sandwiches, you know. Fidgel: Don't forget the chocolate bars and marshmallows! Jason: Oh, great! I love eating s'mores! Fidgel: Eating? Oh no, I need them for a new fuel experiment. Midgel: Now don't take all day with your science project stuff, Doctor. We're here to get in, get supplies, and get out. No nonsense. Fidgel: I assure you, my experiments are not nonsense. Midgel: What about the time you tried to make glass invisible so you can see through it?

Fidgel

Well, it worked, didn't it?

3-2-1 Penguins!

Lazy Daze

Jason: What's wrong with being lazy? Sol: Well, just think, if I didn't work around here, nobody would get served, dirty dishes would pile up. Pretty soon the whole place would stink! Michelle: Like Jason's room! Sol: [chuckles] Old says, "The lazy person wants many things, but has nothing; but the person who is diligent and hardworking truly has it all." You want to be diligent, right, kids? Jason: Actually, the picnic sounds more fun. Sol: [laughs] I'm sure it does. You just keep an eye on those ants, you hear?

Jason

We will. Is it just me, or is he weird?

3-2-1 Penguins!

Lazy Daze

Fidgel: [opens the storage bay, finding it a huge mess inside] Oh, dear me. Midgel: What's got your knickers in a knot, doc? Fidgel: Well, I'm scheduled to run a diagnostic test on the Harryhausen ray, but it's in the back of this storage bay, and I can't get to it. Midgel: Harryhausen ray? What's that? Fidgel: Oh, it's simply a device that halts movement on a molecular level. Midgel: [not understanding] In the Queen's English, Fidge. Fidgel: Yes. It stops action, freezes things in time and space. Midgel: Classic. But it looks like you could use some help. Fidgel: Oh, why thank you. Midgel: If I see anyone available, I'll send 'em round. Fidgel: [enters Jason's room, finding Jason lying on his bed] Hello, Jason. I hear you're looking to earn some extra money for sea chimps? Jason: Yeah! Fidgel: Well, the storage bay is in a bit of a mess. What say I hire you to clean it?

Jason

Hire? You mean like a job? I'm kinda busy. Maybe later. Uh, doc? Turn the page for me. I can't reach.

3-2-1 Penguins!

Give and Let Give

Jason: [enters Michelle's room as he follows the smelling scent and spots a cupcake on the table, but as he tries to take it, Michelle snatches it from him] Let me have a cupcake. I'll tell Grandmum you've learned your lesson when we get back. Michelle: No. I made them, I say who gets one. Jason: You won't give me one because you're still mad about play-ser tag. [holds up the toy set of said game] Michelle: Yeah, it was no fair. I was sick of being it. Jason: [puts on the play-ser shield] At least I shared with you. Michelle: You gave me the broken one. Jason: This one? It's a new invention. Fidgel even said it didn't work right. turns on the device and a straight and spiral beam fires and goes around the room until it reaches him] Michelle: No, thanks, that thing is a play-ser tag magnet. Wherever I hid in the room, that beam would find me. I was it the whole time!

Jason

Fine, but it's not my fault it doesn't work. Keep your stale old cupcakes. [leaves the room in a huff]

3-2-1 Penguins!

Wiki Tiki

Grandmum: Michelle, is this the way I've taught you to rinse the dishes? Michelle: [sees the sink overflowing; alarmed] Oh no! [quickly turns it off and places a towel on the wet floor] Grandmum: And, Jason, you didn't replace the plastic liner in this trash can. Jason: Sorry, Grandmum, I'll go get it right now. Michelle: I guess I was in too big a hurry. I'm sorry. Grandmum: Remember what the Good Book says, "Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good. Haste makes mistakes." Jason: Is that a real proverb? Grandmum: It jolly well is. Take the time to listen and do it right the first time. Jason: Like the trash liner. I'm on it.

Grandmum

You'll just make a mess if you rush.

3-2-1 Penguins!

Wiki Tiki

Jason: Now where's that spaceship? It was right here! Michelle: Jason, you heard Grandmum. We got to put the clean sheets on our beds. Jason: I did. Michelle: Jason. Jason: It's fine. I'll make the bed later. [Midgel galeezles both him and Michelle into the ship] Whoa, definitely later. Michelle: Hey, thanks, Midgel. Where is everybody? Midgel: Sorry, Michelle, no time for chit chat, we got to get going. [The kids are strapped to their seats and buckle up] The others are at the Comet Lounge making sure Sol doesn't run out of the afternoon special. Jason and Michelle: Sol's Aurora Borealis fruit punch! Jason: What are we waiting for?!

Jason, Michelle, and Midgel

BONSAI!

3-2-1 Penguins!

Wiki Tiki

[The Rockhopper arrives at the Comet Lounge and Jason, Michelle, and Midgel enter where the rest of the crew are already there] Midgel: Where's the aurora borealis punch? Fidgel: Sol hasn't lit the sign, yet. Midgel: Whew. I'd hate to miss the aurora borealis. Best fruit punch in the galaxy. Fidgel: Hey, I was in line first.

Zidgel

Captains first, then everyone else.

3-2-1 Penguins!

Wiki Tiki

Jason: You were right, Michelle. We didn't take our time and we made mistakes. Michelle: Captain Zidgel? Jason and I have realized something. Zidgel: Can't stop it. Tried everything. Jason: Captain, we have tried everything, except listening. Zidgel: Listening? What do you mean? Michelle: Grandmum told us, enthusiasm without knowledge is no good. Jason: And haste makes mistakes. Zidgel: Translated, means...is this a tongue twister? Fidgel: Wait, I think I know. Rushing to do things in your own enthusiasm instead of taking time to understand and think causes problems. Midgel: Cuz you'll just make a mess if you hurry. Kevin: Yeah, big mess. Jason: Right, we've been in such a hurry to get back to the Comet Lounge for Sol's aurora borealis fruit punch--

Michelle

That we've been running with the first ideas that popped into our heads. Nobody listened to the tiki king.

3-2-1 Penguins!

Invasion of the Body Swappers!

Midgel: Hey, Mish, everything all right? Michelle: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Midgel, do you, do you think I'm pretty? Midgel: What? [nervously laughs] Well, to tell you the truth, Michelle, I really don't know much about that sort of thing. To me, the prettiest thing in the world is the Rockhopper. She's a beaut, she is. Fidgel: [tweaking the galeezle as Michelle enters the main room] Oh, hello, dear. I've been tweaking the galeezle device. Would you like to help me? Michelle: Fidgel, do you think I'm pretty?

Fidgel

Pretty? Uh, well, pretty is as pretty does, as my mom always used to say. [pulls out a photo of his mother] Ah, Mum was the prettiest woman in the world.

3-2-1 Penguins!

Wise Guys

Jason: No, that was not my fault. It was the lousy time machine. It didn't even work!

Michelle

Or maybe you didn't listen to any advice!

3rd Rock from the Sun

Brains and Eggs

Dick: Sally, I want you to observe her, find out what women on this planet do. Sally: Why can't Harry do it? Dick: Because you're the woman. Sally: That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?

Dick

Because you lost.

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Brains and Eggs

Dick: Oh good you're here. Did you copy the mainframe from the library? Tommy: Uh, I got a little distracted. Dick: Again? What happened? Tommy: Well, I was watching these women play volleyball. And they were all jumping. Up. And down. Up. And down. With these little shorts, and some of them can't jump as high as the others, but it's okay. I mean, it's more than okay, it's really okay. I mean-- Dick: What is wrong with you?! Tommy: I don't know. Dick: We can't leave without that information, so access the net, download, and go straight home as soon as you're finished. Tommy: Why are you talking to me like I'm a child? Dick: You are a child. Tommy: I'm older than you.

Dick

Well, now I'm bigger. And on this planet size matters.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Brains and Eggs

Sally: Dick, women are trouble. I should know! I've been one for two weeks! Dick: I know, which brings up another point. I command you to shave under your arms. Sally: Doable. I'm sorry you find me so offensive (tears up) Dick: Dammit! Pull yourself together, man! We're going out. Sally: Ok, give me an hour. Dick: An hour?

Sally

I got to rotate these (indicating breasts). It's a party!

3rd Rock from the Sun

Post Nasal Dick

Tommy: Sally, you're amazing. As sick as you are, you keep taking care of us.

Sally

Yeah, I know. I don't understand. All I want to do is curl up into a ball, and yet somehow I feel compelled to nurture you. God, what a cruel disease!

3rd Rock from the Sun

Post Nasal Dick

Minister: We are gathered here, before God.... Dick: Now, which one of those guys is God? Mary: Will you be quiet?

Dick

Okay, but be sure to introduce me later, because I want some answers.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Post Nasal Dick

Dick: Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world.

Mary

And this is news?

3rd Rock from the Sun

Post Nasal Dick

Dick: You know, you have to admire these humans. Their lives are so fragile, and yet they are willing to commit to each other for a lifetime. Sally: Or an afternoon with some petri dish in a miniskirt.

Tommy

Hey, hey! At least I'm getting some here, alright?

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Dick's First Birthday

Dick: Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?

Mary

Aw, nobody's perfect.

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Dick Is From Mars, Sally Is From Venus

Sally: You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick. It's like he reached in... and pulled all the bones out of my body... [starts crying] Dick: My God, what are you doing? Sally: [wipes her tears] Apparently I'm leaking!

Dick

Well, stop!

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Dick Is From Mars, Sally Is From Venus

Tommy: [pointing to the stars] I've been there and there and there and there...

Harry

Wow. The long, boring stories you must have.

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Dick, Smoker

Harry: By the second day I could hear my inner voice, too. Tommy: What was it saying?

Harry

I have no idea, I don't speak French.

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Green-Eyed Dick

[Sally walks into the men's locker room] Man: Hey, it says "men" on the door!

Sally

And you made the cut?

3rd Rock from the Sun

Green-Eyed Dick

Mary: I'm going to have to find someone who can translate Ukrainian. Dick: Uh, that's not Ukrainian, that's Turkish. Look, there's a diacritical mark over the 'o'. Bunlar her zaman savas ganimetleri dogru beni isaret edebilir. Mary: Well, what does it mean? Dick: May these always point me toward the spoils of war. This isn't a thimble. It's Turkish nipple armor. In fact, it's very valuable.

Mary

Especially if you have the pair!

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Lonely Dick

[Tommy and August meet for the first time] August: I'm . Don't call me "Augy".

Tommy

I'm . Don't call me "Augy" either...

3rd Rock from the Sun

Lonely Dick

Dick: I'm sure you can defeat a simple door lock. [Tommy breaks through the window with his hand and unlocks the door] Dick: What are you doing?! Now this is breaking and entering! It's illegal!

Tommy

What'd you expect me to do? Beam you in?

3rd Rock from the Sun

Body & Soul & Dick

Sally: How would you like your eyes in the bottom of a martini glass, 'cause I can do it? Dr. Hamlin: [sounding delighted] Oh, the Amazon is going to manhandle me!

Sally

You're not worth the broken nail.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Body & Soul & Dick

Dick: How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? well......he was governed by the laws of physics as are all living things. it is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy. Dr. Hanlin's heart approached that speed on friday evening at 7:57 according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us. Mary: That was absolutely beautiful. Tommy: Converting matter to energy? Sally: Could you have been more trite?

Harry

Why didn't you just phone it in?

3rd Rock from the Sun

Ab-Dick-ted

Sally: I'll give you your promotion if you don't say the word "really" in the next sixty seconds. Harry: Really?

Sally

You lose!

3rd Rock from the Sun

Ab-Dick-ted

Dick: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family? Mary: Yeah. Dick:: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill? Mary: Yeah... even then.

Dick

That is so beautiful!

3rd Rock from the Sun

Truth or Dick

[opera plays on the car radio]

Harry

Dick, remember how I said I wanted to learn to sing? I've changed my mind.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Truth or Dick

Nina: I knew you had a thing for her.

Dick

Yes, but I understand I'm not allowed to show it to her without her permission.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Truth or Dick

Sally: Wait a minute, something about this doesn't wash. She's doing something (gasps) Now I remember! I read about this. She's distorting the truth! Dick: Dr. Albright would never lie to me. Sally: Oh wake up and snort the coffee. (pause) Just because you don't lie doesn't mean people here don't. Dick: We're colleagues! I trust her! I command you to be like her! Sally: Like what? Dick: Like a woman.

Sally

Fine! I can woman.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Truth or Dick

Tommy: Commander, permission to speak freely. Dick: Granted.

Tommy

As the oldest member of this crew, I feel it's my duty to inform you all that this planet both wipes and sucks. In that order.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Truth or Dick

Mrs. Dubcek: Poor kid. I remember what it's like to be your age.

Tommy

I remember what it's like to be yours.

3rd Rock from the Sun

The Art of Dick

[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]

Harry

Here's a job I could do; "Police seek third gunman." Well, tomorrow I'm gonna march over to the police station and tell them that I'm the man they're looking for!

3rd Rock from the Sun

The Art of Dick

Dick: [talking about art] What makes them strive to create this? Tommy: Naked women. Dick: These are not naked women, they're nudes. Nudity is the artist's passionate celebration of the human form.

Tommy

[taking an art book] Well, party on!d GB VG

3rd Rock from the Sun

Frozen Dick

[Harry explains how he's reorganized the movies at Gung-Ho Videos]

Harry

[refers to one rack] Good movies. [refers to another rack] Bad movies. [refers to the rest of the room] Movies I haven't seen.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Frozen Dick

[Harry is working at a video store] Customer: Excuse me, where can I find Aliens?

Harry

Nowhere! Not here, that's for sure. Nobody here but us humans. [in a nervous sing-song voice] La, la, la... la, la, la. [a beat] Stop looking at me!

3rd Rock from the Sun

Angry Dick

Patty Muller: I don't envy you having to take care of three men; I only got Frank and he's a full-time job. Just once, I'd like to see that man pick up a sock. Sally: I'd like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink. Patty Muller: I'd like to see them do laundry. Sally: [deadpan] I'd like to see them crammed between two steel wheels and ground into a fine paste. Patty Muller: [after a beat] You know, I'd like to see that myself.

Sally

You let me know.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Angry Dick

[Frank and Dick have had a fight] Dick: Why are you suddenly so civil? Frank Muller: Now we know each other's boundaries. You know my limits, I know your limits, so now we can respect each other. Tommy: Wait, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to gain each other's respect, you had to resort to violent confrontations. Now doesn't that strike you as stupid? Frank Muller: [after a beat] Kids, huh?

Dick

They don't understand the world.

3rd Rock from the Sun

The Dicks They Are A-Changin'

Mary: They opened a Hard Rock Cafe in Vietnam. The world's changed, huh?

Dick

It certainly has. Did you know it used to be entirely covered with ice?

3rd Rock from the Sun

The Dicks They Are A-Changin'

[Reminiscing about the 60's] Mary: Did you ever drop acid? Dick: [misunderstanding] Oh, constantly. Mary: You did a lot of tripping?

Dick

That's how I dropped the acid.

3rd Rock from the Sun

I Enjoy Being A Dick

Tommy: Sally, I got a question for you. We've been on the planet a while now and I've just been wondering if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it'd be so dangerous?

Sally

No, not at all, Tommy. In fact I've already told Mrs. Dubcek and the mailman, uh, and a nice guy down at the mini-mall, BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!!!

3rd Rock from the Sun

I Enjoy Being A Dick

Harry: I want to make the world a better place. I want to give mankind the gift... of electricity. Tommy: They have electricity.

Harry

Ah, then my work is done!

3rd Rock from the Sun

Dick Like Me

Mr Randell:: Well, uh, the truth is that, uh, I think Tommy could do a lot better.

Dick:

Be careful sir. You're talking about the creature I've come to think of as my son.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Assault With A Deadly Dick

Dick:: Okay, let's get this straight; I don't care how much it costs, I don't care how difficult it is to accomplish, I want a security system that will guarantee every moment of our lives will be filled with a sense of absolute safety and contentment. Salesman:: That would be the ElectroFort 2000. The alarm connects directly to our command center downtown, where we immediately dispatch trained patrol men to your door. Sally:: I see. I just have one question. Salesman:: Sure.

Sally:

Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while your guys are strolling over?

3rd Rock from the Sun

Assault With A Deadly Dick

Don:: Okay Mr. Solomon. It's time to finger your perp.

Dick:

(points to Mary) Believe me I've tried but she just won't let me.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Father Knows Dick

Dick:: You've got a thing in your head. Harry:: A thing? Dick:: Cranial micro receiver chip. Harry:: In my head.

Dick:

But it's not in the part you use; it's in your brain.

3rd Rock from the Sun

Selfish Dick

Dick:: A terrible injustice has been done. Professor Suter:: What? Dick:: [raising his voice] I said a great injustice has been done! Professor Suter:: [annoyed] I heard you. What's the big injustice? Dick:: Someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you. Professor Suter:: What?

Dick:

[raising his voice] I said someone has taken something that rightfully belongs to you!

3rd Rock from the Sun

See Dick Run

[Dick meets his replacement for the first time]

Dick:

You! You're gorgeous!

3rd Rock from the Sun

See Dick Run

[Dick is locked in an invisible box and feels the walls]

Dick:

Oh my God! He's turned me into a mime!

3rd Rock from the Sun

See Dick Run

[after learning that the "family" are returning to their home planet] Dick:: I wish I had a machine that could freeze time... [Mary looks at him questioningly]

Dick:

Unfortunately, I left it in my other jacket.

3rd Rock from the Sun

See Dick Continue to Run: Part I

Tommy:: You work at the university. Evil Dick:: [smugly] Ah, so I run the university. Tommy:: Well, not so much run as teach a physics class.

Evil Dick:

I'm a teacher? Were all the janitor's jobs taken?

3rd Rock from the Sun

See Dick Continue to Run: Part I

Evil Dick:: You see, I am building the greatest incubator these puny humans have ever known. And when it is completed, I will spawn my own private army of [The crew stares at him apprehensively]

Evil Dick:

Of... fuzzy Easter chicks.

3rd Rock from the Sun

See Dick Continue to Run: Part 2

Evil Dick:: Watch the destruction my little device wreaks on the world you love so well.

Dick:

[outraged] What have you done to our toaster?

3rd Rock from the Sun

See Dick Continue to Run: Part 2

Dick:: Oh, Mary! You have to get away from here! Mary:: You want me to try to escape? Dick:: Yes!

Mary:

[pretending to struggle] Oh, let me go, let me go! How's that?