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The 4400

Pilot

Diana: It's as if it was coming in for a landing! unknown: Landing? Like a plane?

unknown

No. More like a mothership!

The 4400

Pilot

Lily Moore: Lily. Richard Tyler: My friend, her name was Lily, too. Lily Bonham.

Lily

That's my grandmother's name!

The 4400

Pilot

Heidi Moore: Can I help you? Lily: Heidi! Heidi: Yeah? Lily: Heidi, it's Mommy!

Heidi

Who?!

The 4400

The New & Improved Carl Morrissey

Dennis: For instance, yesterday Maia was talking to an employee in the cafeteria. She told her that her daughter would be in the hospital soon, but that she'd be okay. The next day the little girl was in a car accident. Diana: So you're saying what? That she's got some kind of second sight?

Dennis

I'm saying I have five stories just like that.

The 4400

Trial by Fire

Diana: Mr. Tyler, I know you're trying to protect your family, but you have to realize that by staying here, you could be putting yourself in serious danger.

Richard

Maybe. But you know, I was born in 1922--in Missouri. And my skin was as black then as it is now. So I've had to worry about fire bombings and lynchings and beatings my entire life. If there's anything I've learned, it's this. Eventually a man's gotta take a stand. I'm making mine right here.

The 4400

Trial by Fire

Nikki Hudson: This is the spot? Shawn Farrell: Yeah. Me and 4,399 of my closest friends popped out of a ball of light right about here. Nikki: It's so pretty. I wonder why they sent you back here. I mean, why not on the White House lawn, or... in the middle of Times Square?

Shawn

I don't know. Maybe they appreciate a good view.

The 4400

White Light

Warren Lytell: (Tom points a gun into Lytell's throat) Ryland, you want to give me some help?

Dennis

That's a tough call.

The 4400

White Light

Maia: How long am I going to be like this? Diana: Like what? Maia: I don't wanna know things before they happen. I wanna be normal, like I used to be. Diana: It's gonna be okay, sweetie. Besides, I mean, you know, who's normal anyway? Maia: You are.

Diana

Ha. You wanna know a secret? Normal people, like me... they just wish they were special, like you.

The 4400

White Light

Maia: Don't worry. You'll find him. Tom Baldwin: Find who? Maia: Your son, Kyle. He's the answer. Tom: The answer to what?

Maia

Everything.

The 4400

Wake Up Call

Diana: Maia, what's wrong? Neighbour: I'm sorry, I know it's late, but Maia really wanted to come home. Diana: Well why's that sweetie? Maia: I don't want to talk about it. Neighbour: Some of the girls, not my daughter, but some of the other girls, were teasing Maia because she says she has a crush on Frank Sinatra. Diana: Old blue eyes. Do you blame her?

Neighbour

Most nine year olds don't even know who Frank Sinatra was.

The 4400

The Fifth Page

Maia: I know who you are. You're the one who fixes people. Shawn: Yeah. I'm . Maia: How come you're in here? Why don't you just make yourself better? Shawn: I wish I could. Shawn: They're broken. Kind of like the rest of me. Maia: I used to see things. Stuff that was gonna happen. That's gone now, too. Shawn: It's funny, huh? When I found out I was different, all I wanted to do was be normal again. Maia: Me, too. Shawn: But you get used to it. Now that it's gone, I feel like I'm missing an arm. Maia: It'll come back. Once we get better. Shawn: Any idea when that's gonna be? Maia: Not exactly, but my mom told me everything's gonna be fine. And I believe what she says. Shawn: That must be a nice feeling. Maia: Don't you have someone to believe in?

Shawn

I used to, but now I guess I'm just gonna have to believe in you.

The 4400

Blink

Mitch Baldwin: I know I'm not perfect.

Tom

You're not even alive.

The 4400

The Starzl Mutation

Claudio Borghi: I have to offer you a word of caution. The cigar. When you smoke it, you might be surprised by its effects.

Shawn

Oh, I'm not going to get arrested for having this, am I?

The 4400

The Gospel According to Collier

Tom: You disappeared. Do you have any idea where you've been?

Jordan

Everywhere. I have been everywhere. I've been alive for hundreds of years, maybe thousands.

The 4400

The Gospel According to Collier

Diana: We can't do this.

Ben Saunders

We just did.

The 4400

Terrible Swift Sword

Shawn: All right, I'll ask the question. What are we gonna do with 17,432 units of promicin? Jordan: We're going to give it away. Richard: To whom?

Jordan

To everyone.

The 4400

Fifty-Fifty

Tom: This isn't just a plan. It's a revolution. You realize that, don't you? Handing out promicin like candy changes everything, Shawn. Nobody will be able to enforce the law. It'll be chaos! Diana: Nobody can predict what's gonna happen once people everywhere start developing abilities! Tom: You need to tell us where he's keeping this stuff. Shawn: I don't get you guys. All along you've been saying we're on the same side, no matter what our differences are. That our goals are the same; for things to change, get better. Now a man is back from the dead to show us how to get there, and you two wanna stop him. You know what? You can't! Our phone lines have been jammed up all morning. People are dying to know how they can get their hands on the shot. Tom: So what do you tell them?

Shawn

I tell them that we have nothing to do with it. And then I wish them good luck.

The 4400

Fifty-Fifty

Tess Doerner: It's not hard for me, I've believed in you all along. There's a reason why we were taken and a reason they woke you up. It's incredible you should be getting the Nobel Prize. Instead we're hiding like criminals.

Kevin

It won't be like this forever. Soon we'll be heroes!

The 4400

Fifty-Fifty

Dennis: I'm not at all surprised that girl died. That's exactly why we need to get the stuff out of Collier's hands. Tom: We need to know about your promicin supply, Dennis. Your people have been working with it for months. Have you ever seen anything like this? Dennis: We've had some casualties among the volunteers. Tom: Casualties? (pauses and looks around in disbelief) How many? Dennis: We recruited 20 men for the program. Half of them rejected the promicin within 48 hours of their first shot. Diana: Rejected? You mean died. Dennis: We knew there'd be risks, Diana. We explained it to the volunteers before the signed on. Diana: Oh my God. You knew. You knew what would happen when people took this? Why didn't you tell us when it was stolen? We could have warned Collier, warned the public. Dennis: Because gods don't make mistakes. What better way to show the people that Collier is not some sort of messiah, than have him fall flat on his face in public? Tom: You kept quiet so you could discredit Collier? A woman is dead, Dennis! And you're just as responsible as he is!

Dennis

She shouldn't have been injecting stolen promicin. And anybody who follows her lead will have to live with the consequences. Or not.

The 4400

The Wrath of Graham

Jordan: I did not give promicin out to the world to have it unite under a... a 16-year old boy. He has to be stopped.

Kevin

Oh! I see. You're having Messiah envy.

The 4400

The Wrath of Graham

Guy: Are you here to give yourselves body and soul to Graham?

Tom

Not exactly.

The 4400

The Wrath of Graham

Isabelle: You want to have hope, don't you? You want to believe she's coming back? Tom: Of course.

Isabelle

Then you don't want to know what I know.

The 4400

Fear Itself

Meghan Doyle: I can give you a few minutes, Mr. Powell, but then I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us.

Mr. Powell

My son has been in a prison his entire life. I'm happy to trade places with him.

The 4400

Fear Itself

Meghan: Let me ask you a question. Have you ever seen La Dolce Vita? Diana: Dubbed or subtitled? Meghan: Do I look like I watch dubbed movies? Diana: Do I? Meghan: Welcome back, Agent Skouris. Diana: I'm being reinstated because I like foreign films?

Meghan

Of course not, but it doesn't hurt your cause.

The 4400

Fear Itself

Troy Kennedy: I took the shot to make my life better. Tom: Better, better? Better how, huh? By driving a bunch of people crazy? They're at Abendson Psychiatric Hospital writhing around in straitjackets. Troy: It wasn't me, I swear. My ability's harmless. I-I play music. I pick up any instrument, and I'm like a virtuoso.

Jed Garrity

Really? Well I'll go home and get my clarinet!

The 4400

Audrey Parker's Come and Gone

Meghan: That's exactly why this journal is making people in D.C. nervous. The author doesn't sound like a radical. She sounds like... somebody's aunt.

Tom

Yeah, and if your aunt's willing to take a chance on getting an ability, why shouldn't you?

The 4400

Audrey Parker's Come and Gone

Tom: The head of NTAC, benefiting personally from a 4400 ability? You sure you're up for the fallout?

Meghan

They let this place stay open. They blinked. Let them fire me.

The 4400

Audrey Parker's Come and Gone

Audrey Parker: The man who trades freedom for security does not deserve nor will he ever receive either. Diana: It's Benjamin Franklin.

Audrey

Well, at least you are an educated tyrant.

The 4400

Audrey Parker's Come and Gone

Diana: Assuming the woman is telling the truth about what she can do, I mean, okay, it might be irresponsible that she's writing about it, but it's not a threat. Isn't that what we do here, we track down threats? We're not the thought police. Tom: Taking promicin is illegal. Not to mention, potentially fatal. If that blog inspires 20 people to take promicin, 10 of them are going to die. Meghan: Don't forget about the ones who survive. Do you really think they'll all be lovely people too? Do you think their abilities will be as benign as hers? This woman has to be stopped and we can find out exactly what her intentions were, just as soon as you find her. Bring her in.

Diana

I'll go put on the riot gear. Tom, get the tear gas.

The 4400

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth

April Skouris: I'm coming with you. You want the truth? I can get it for you. Tom: Are you sure about that? I mean, people beat lie detectors all the time. April: Tom, do you like my sister? Tom: Diana, yeah, sure, she's my partner, my friend. April: (using her ability) Ever had a sexual fantasy about her? Tom: Well, once or twice. We were working late, Diana mentioned we were the only two people in the building and-- Diana: Uh!

Tom

(quietly to April) You can come.

The 4400

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth

Kyle Baldwin: Who knows, man? You could become mayor, maybe even governor. Shawn: Just one step at a time. I don't even know if I can get elected to city council.

Kyle

You heal people with your hands. Show me an opponent who can beat that.

The 4400

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth

April: So, what do you do, Peter? Peter Barton: I'm V.P. of client relations for ANEXXO. We're in the fortune 500. Energy, communications, some defense work. April: I get it. You're one of the guys that runs the world.

Peter

Well, I work for those guys.

The 4400

Try the Pie

Diana: Yeah, but we're talking about prison camps. Maia hasn't broken any laws. She is a 4400. She didn't take promicin.

P.J.

I'm afraid that distinction doesn't mean much these days. People are scared. A lot of them wanna lock up every p-positive out there. The wrong leader comes to power, someone who exploits all that fear everybody's feeling, and suddenly this doesn't seem so far-fetched.

The 4400

Try the Pie

Gabriel Hewitt: What are you doing here? Shawn: I wanted to see you without the cameras. When you put your public face up for the night, have a look at your eyes. I have reason to believe that you're capable of terrible things and that you have an evil living inside of you. Gabriel: What if you did see evil? Then what?

Shawn

Honestly, I don't know what I would do, but the truth is I can't see anything. You may be full of fear and hatred, but you're just a man for now. Listen, you may not know it yet, you wouldn't make a very good leader. I'm not gonna let you become one.

The 4400

Try the Pie

Jordan: It must have been difficult to take the promicin shot. But I've read your book. It's wrong. I'm no Messiah.

Kyle

I know how it sounds. It was hard for me to believe, too. I'm nobody's religious nut, but these visions I have are never wrong, not once, and if they say that book is important, I have to believe what's in there. Promicin isn't just here to improve the world, Jordan. It's here to bring Heaven to Earth. I don't know exactly what that means, but you're supposed to make it happen and I'm supposed to help you. It's like it says in the book. You are going to lead us all to God.

The 4400

No Exit

Tom: I keep telling myself it's just a game. But you know what? I still don't feel like dying.

Jordan

It's not an experience I'm looking to revisit.

The 4400

No Exit

Tom: You're going to hotwire the door open?

Meghan

Don't look so surprised. I worked in a think tank for years. You'd be amazed at the kinds of things I picked up around the water cooler.

The 4400

Daddy's Little Girl

Tom: (looking away) I'm sorry.

Meghan

Tom, the second time we did it with the lights on, it's not like anything you haven't seen.

The 4400

Daddy's Little Girl

Garrity: No doubt about it. The man is a genuine badass.

Meghan

Well, maybe when we catch him, you can ask for his autograph.

The 4400

One of Us

Shawn: What's your alternative? Do you really want the entire world to take promicin? Jordan: Yes. Yes, I do. It's what I've always said has to happen. Shawn: Half of the planet will die! You're talking about mass suicide!

Jordan

I am talking about a single generation of sacrifice. And at the end of it, a more fully-evolved species. All of our failings as human beings will be addressed when we are all gifted. I am not making any announcement. And no one who cares about what's right for the world would.

The 4400

Ghost in the Machine

Meghan: This last few weeks I could tell there was something wrong. He was the same guy but different, you know? I keep telling myself it's okay, it's still Tom. Diana: Well, I didn't wanna believe it either. He has been my partner, my friend for years.

Meghan

Talk about sleeping with the enemy.

The 4400

Ghost in the Machine

Isabelle: You know, Kyle used to talk about you all the time. He said you were a decent man, but then you're not Tom Baldwin, are you?

Tom

(laughs) Baldwin... Baldwin was a confused and unhappy man.

The 4400

Ghost in the Machine

Isabelle: The government doctors already told me that promicin will kill me.

Tom

We can change that, Isabelle, I guarantee you'll live.

The 4400

Tiny Machines

Diana: Hello, Curtis. Meghan: Sit down. We have some questions for you. Curtis Peck: About what? Meghan: About what camera lens you're using today. What do you think, Curtis? We wanna talk about the Marked. Curtis: I already told you guys. I made all that up. The Marked aren't real. I have to work. If you want to watch me direct, I can get you some headphones.

Diana

(pulling her gun and pointing it at Curtis) You're not going back to work anytime soon. Now all we need you to do is tell us how to kill one of those things.

The 4400

Tiny Machines

Maia: That was kind of weird, huh? How we just saw each other on the street?

Tom

Well, to be honest Maia, it wasn't a coincidence. I wanted to talk to you about your mom.

The 4400

The Great Leap Forward

Maia: See? I told you he was a good guy. Diana: Maia, can't you see what's happening? Jordan Collier is naming himself dictator of Seattle; there's nothing good about that.

Maia

You're wrong mom. We are in charge now. It's better that way.

6teen

Take this Job and Squeeze It

Jonesy: See, with chicks, it's all about the bling-bling. And the way I figure it, we'll be making two large each by the end of the summer.

Wyatt

You learn everything you know from cop shows and music videos, don't you?

6teen

Take this Job and Squeeze It

[In their interviews they are asked why they want to work there] Jen:: Because I've always wanted to start my own line of snowboarding gear and I think that working here would teach me so much about the retail sports industry. Wyatt:: I spend most of my free time here anyway, I figure I might as well get paid for it. Jonesy:: Because the Gigantoplex is a great place to pick up chicks. Nikki:: I need the money to go traveling. Caitlin:: Do you guys have like an employee discount? [They're asked where they see themselves in five years] Wyatt: Five years?! Nikki: Not working in a mall. Jonesy: (flirting): I know where I'd like to see myself tonight. Jude:: Rock climbing with some Maori dudes in New Zealand. Wyatt: I don't even know what I'm doing this weekend! Jen: Riding for my college snowboarding team. And competing in the Olympics. [They're asked what kind of tree they'd be] Nikki: [Laughs] Caitlin: Is that the uniform you have to wear? That color really doesn't suit me. Jonesy: I'd be a Christmas tree. Wyatt: I guess I'd be ... a maple. Jonesy: No wait, a dandelion. Caitlin: I'd rethink the hat, too. Jude: I thought this was a skate shop. Jen: I'd be an oak, because they're strong and they like to help people by providing shade from the sun. Caitlin: [cellphone rings]: Sorry, this might be important. [They're asked about their biggest accomplishments] Jonesy: Getting to second base with Jill Anderson. Nikki: Perfecting my mother's signature. Jude: I once ate ten worms on a dare. Jen: Being the youngest girl to make the varsity soccer team. Caitlin: I'd have to say my accessories. [They're asked about their worst qualities] Jude: My feet sometimes smell ... Wyatt: I guess I don't have much patience for authority. Nikki: The list is long ... and distinguished. Caitlin: When I was seven I had this really heinous orange top ...

Jonesy

I don't have any! I'm a pretty great guy.

6teen

Take this Job and Squeeze It

[Jonesy and Jude are mocking the girl working at Wonder Taco] Jonesy: I have an evil hunger brewing inside. Jude: Yes, what kind of food could possibly defeat it? Jonesy: A bird? Jude: A plane?

Both

No, it's Wonder Taco!

6teen

The Big Sickie

Wyatt:: I didn't get any sleep last night. I was a afraid to have the dream again. Caitlin:: What dream?

Wyatt:

The one about the cowboy who thinks I'm the one who ran away with his wife to the big city and he's coming to kick my-aaaaaaagh! (sees a cowboy and runs away).

6teen

The Big Sickie

Wyatt:: So, what are you on probation for? Jen:: I folded some sweatshirts instead of hanging them on the rack.

Wyatt:

And you didn't get jail time?

6teen

The Big Sickie

Jude: Jen, it's your duty to take the day off of work. No... it's your destiny! Wyatt: Destiny? Nikki: He's on a roll. Jude: Calling in sick is, like, a necessary part of the evolutionary process. Jen: What are you talking about? Jude: Where would the human race be without the sick day? We'd still be living in trees eating bananas... and fish... and things. We're humans because millions of years ago, some ape took a day off and invented tools. That ape decided "I'm not going into the tree today. I'm going to go build a small car out of rocks or teach a cow to give me some milk." Next thing you know, we're golfing on the moon! Which further illustrates my point, because, like, even at the point where the astronauts were pulling this mad historical move, they recognized the opportunity for goofing off. It's like "one small step for man... dude, let's spin a few donuts in my moon buggy!" The sick day isn't just a fun thing to do, it's a fundamental right of every man, woman and child! [crowd cheering] Jude: Where's Jen? Jonesy: She left a couple of minutes ago. Jude: Bummer.

Wyatt

Good speech, though.

6teen

The Big Sickie

Jude:: Jen seems to have lost her perspective in this particular situation. Wyatt:: For once you've made a truly lucid comment.

Jude:

No need to insult me, dude.

6teen

The Big Sickie

Nikki:: Why is it guys can make all kinds of stinks themselves ...

Caitlin:

But can't stand anyone else's?

6teen

The Big Sickie

[Wyatt and Jude are in the loathsome washrooms] Wyatt:: Oh my Lord, why? WHY?! Jude:: Dude, don't look in stall two, whatever you do- Wyatt:: Aaaaaaaaaagh!

Jude:

Dude, I told you not to look!

6teen

The Slow and Even-Tempered

Jude: (about Wyatt's jacket): Seriously, dude. 1985 called, they want their jacket back. Wyatt: What's wrong with it Caitlin:: Wyatt, it's old. Retro is so yesterday.

Nikki

She says, without a hint of irony.

6teen

The Slow and Even-Tempered

Jude:: So, do you know the ending? Who did it? Jen:: Jude, it's a driver's manual.

Jude:

So the chauffeur probably did it.

6teen

The Slow and Even-Tempered

Jude:: It's my way or the highway. Jen:: Got it.

Jude:

Actually, my way will also involve the highway. But you know what I mean.

6teen

The Slow and Even-Tempered

Jen:: I got four points.

Jude:

The game's highscore is 75,000!

6teen

The Slow and Even-Tempered

Jen:: This is a really expensive car...

Jude:

Expensive yet free.

6teen

A Lime to Party

[The gang finds out that Wyatt is taking Serena to the concert instead of Jude or Nikki]

Jude

and Nikki: GET HIM!

6teen

Employee Of The Month

Chrissy: You are about this close to being so fired!

Nikki

Tell me when I'm this close, and I'll call a cab.

6teen

The Sushi Connection

Jude:: Dude! That's so gross. How can you eat sushi? Caitlin:: I don't even like cooked fish. Nikki:: It really is revolting. Wyatt:: Have you ever actually tried it? Nikki:: No, but I don't have to try the public bathrooms here to know that they're disgusting. Wyatt:: Fine, live in ignorance. At least I know what I'm eating. Those fries probably aren't even made from real potatoes.

Jude:

Yeah, but you gotta love 'em. The soul cannot live by nutrition alone. Mark my words, dude, mark my words.

6teen

The Sushi Connection

Kirsten:: We don't think you're doing a very good job. Kristen:: Yeah. You told that girl... the truth! It doesn't say anything about that in the Khaki Barn handbook, and we didn't sell the dress. Kirsten:: You're like the "Khaki... nator"! Nikki:: Oh, good one. "The Khakinator". Oh, I like that. Now get to work. Kristen:: Whatever you say, "ASS MAN"! Nikki:: That's assistant manager! I could fire you for that, you know! Jonesy:: (laughs) Your name tag says "ass man".

Nikki:

SHUT UP!

6teen

Enter the Dragon

Jen: Uh guys my stomach is killing, I don't think I can handle a movie tonight. Nikki: No! You don't really mean it, do you?

Caitlin

She just said she did! Sheesh! Nobody listens around here!

6teen

Enter the Dragon

Caitlin: [Angrily] Okay, yes, they're tampons. I'm buying tampons. Man, guys can be such squeamish, little babies. The Clerk: [scared] I was just looking for the price tag.

Caitlin

Oh [laughs nervously] Sorry

6teen

One Quiet Day

Wyatt:: [to Jude] You just need better time management skills. We all have something we could work on. Jonesy's obsessed with girls. Jonesy:: True, but you never take chances. Ever Wyatt:: I do so. Jonesy:: Name one. Wyatt:: Uhhhh..... [sighs] Caitlin:: I go way too crazy on sales. Nikki:: [Reluctantly] I could stop teasing the clones. Jen:: Okay, I'm not being conceited, but I can't really think of anything Caitlin:: [Angrily and fast] Oh yeah, how about butting into everybody's business and telling everyone what to do all the time. Jen:: [gasps] Caitlin:: [gasps] Did I just say that out loud? Jen:: Yes. Caitlin:: Well, you always giving everyone advice and it's not always good. Jen:: Uh, news flash: No, I don't. Nikki:: Uh, this just in: You totally do. Jen:: Here's the weather: Nuh uh. Nikki:: Hot off the press: Yeh uh. Oh, and breaking news: You're bossy, too. Jen:: Pictures at eleven: Of you being wrong! Movie Usher:: [Irritated] Live from the Gigantoplex: You're not the only people in line here.

Jen:

[Angrily] Oh yeah, well, stay tuned, because you all suck!!!

6teen

Awake the Wyatt Within [2.5]

Jude:: I have a new addition to the staff picks wall. Wayne:: Plenty of room there now. What do you got? Jude:: Radical Pool Party 2 Wayne:: [stares at Jude questionably] I want you to think about what you just said.

Jude:

puts on a hilarious thinking face with tongue out

6teen

The Wedding Destroyers

Jen's Mom (Emma):: I can't believe my wedding's only seven days away! Jen:: Tell me about it! I'm about to inherit three greasy stepbrothers!

Emma:

Oh, maybe it won't be that bad.

6teen

The Wedding Destroyers

Jen:: Did you just say you're having your stag-party at Grind Me?! Jonesy:: Yep. Thursday night baby! Courtney:: They double-booked us?! Jonesy:: So? Grind Me's a big place. We can have them both there, it'll be fun! Jen:: You can't have a stag-party at the same place we're having our shower! Jonesy:: Why not? Diego:: [giggling] Nice dress!

Jen:

Shut it!

6teen

Bicker Me Not

Gracie Bickerson:: I'm not sitting anywhere near that crum-bum. George Bickerson:: She can fall down a well for all I care! Gracie:: He's the reason anti-depressants were invented!

George:

Her morning breath's the reason gas-masks were invented!

6teen

Bicker Me Not

George:: You make my skin crawl like I'm wearing a wool sweater!

Gracie:

What did wool ever do to deserve you?!

6teen

Baby, You Stink

Jonesy:: Hey! Nice call on the cologne spritz, huh, cheater? Wyatt:: What? Since when did you start checking up on me? Jonesy:: Since you started looking twice at water fountains. Jen:: Guys, this Man-Off thing is seriously getting out of hand. It's not about who smells the best anymore; it's about who smells the least horrible. Nikki:: Yeah, and it's getting really gross. Which would be hilarious if it didn't affect me so directly. Jonesy:: I'm not going to give up, unless Wyatt is going to quit for real this time. Wyatt:: As if. The Man-Off champ's either going to be you or me, which is a nice way of saying it's going to be me. Jen:: What about Jude? Wyatt:: I think we can all agree that Jude and hygiene never met on a first name basis.

Jonesy:

There are still three days until the Man-Off is over, so don't let me catch you washing your hands in spit, because from now on, spit counts as a cleaning fluid.

6teen

J Is For Genius

(Reading the back of a DVD)

Jude

"Lonely and single Karla is looking for more than a one-night stand, but she's looking for love with all the wrong guys." Duuuuuuude... There's sex in H-E-R-E! [laughs] I spelled the wrong word.

6teen

Fashion Victims

Nikki:: [referring to the girls on her team] Are they gone? Jen:: Don't worry, you're safe. [She pulls at her underwear from inside her cargo pants, and gets relief... all to the girls' surprise.] Nikki:: Ahh, finally! Wyatt:: What was that?! Nikki:: Uh, that was me pulling my underwear from my butt. Where it's been lodged for, like, an hour. I hate these girly gitch! Caitlin:: Eww. Wyatt:: Nice.

Jude:

I know the feeling.

6teen

Bye Bye Nikki? Part 2

[last scene of the series, Nikki is trying to phone home on the plane.] Jonesy's Voicemail:: I'm Jonesy's voicemail, who are you? Nikki:: [hanging up] Ugh! Why'd I break up with Jonesy? He's supposed to be the idiot, not me! [Nikki tries to call again.] Jonesy's Voicemail:: I'm Jonesy's voicemail. Nikki:: Ugh! Flight Attendant:: Excuse me, we're on the runway, so turn that off. Nikki:: Sorry, but I just said goodbye to the best friends and the best boyfriend I'll ever have, and I need to tell him I don't want to break up anymore, so back off and let me undo the biggest mistake of my life! [The other passengers voice their assent.] Random Guy:: Let her call! Teenager:: Have a heart!" Businessman:: Let her call! Stranger:: Yeah! [The flight attendant sighs a harassed sigh and walks away. Nikki tries again and gets through.] Nikki:: Jonesy? Jonesy:: [simultaneously] Nikki? Nikki and Jonesy:: I don't want to break up! Me neither! Whew! [On the plane and in the mall, people cheer.] Jen:: Yeah! Caitlin:: Woo! Wyatt:: Alright, Nikki! [Behind Nikki, the flight attendant clears her throat.] Nikki:: Okay, seriously have to go now. Caitlin:: We love you! Wyatt:: See you! Jonesy:: Love you! Jude:: Peace out! Jen:: Bye Nikki! Nikki:: I love you too, guys! Bye for now! [She hangs up. In the mall, Jonesy sighs happily.] Jonesy:: Maybe everything will be okay after all. [The camera zooms out, providing a wide, wide view of the food court, which is cluttered with many of the characters that appeared throughout the series. Ron drags a teenager with an orange mohawk away.]

Ron:

[last lines] You're coming with me!

7th Heaven

Anything You Want [1.01]

Eric: [about the kids] Why is it that they like your parents and not mine?

Annie

Because my parents are better.

7th Heaven

Anything You Want [1.01]

Eric: So you took up plumbing when we were pregnant with Simon?

Annie

No, electrical and plumbing was Mary, Simon was ethnic cooking.

7th Heaven

Anything You Want [1.01]

Mary: [referring to kissing] The point is, I don't know where my hands go or his hands or my face or his face or his lips or my lips, and I don't want it to be awkward; couldn't you just show me so I have some experience? Matt: Don't kiss me. Mary: Would you stop? I'm not gonna kiss you. Ok, so do I touch his face with my hands? [ moves her hand toward his face] Matt: No, look, if anybody touches face, he touches your face or maybe he doesn't; I don't know. Mary: [moves toward Matt as if to kiss him] So I close my eyes and... [Eric sees trying to kiss Matt] Matt: Oh Dad, this isn't what it looks like.

Eric

That's a relief.

7th Heaven

Family Secrets [1.02]

Annie: [to Ruthie] Do you have Daddy's shoes honey? Eric: You know Daddy really needs his shoes, so if you have them - [Ruthie smiles and runs away]- I'll wear my good ones. Have you seen my keys? Annie: On the counter. Eric: On the counter....and, uh...my wedding ring? Annie: Bathroom sink. Eric: Oh. Good. Now all I need to do is find the list of people that I'm supposed to visit. [Annie hands him the list] Thanks. Annie: I don't know what you'd do without me. Eric: [kissing her] A lot less of this. Annie: You know what I was thinking? Eric: That once we get Ruthie in school we can walk around naked again? Annie: [smiling] No...

Eric

But we could. [Annie nods]

7th Heaven

Family Secrets [1.02]

Mary: Okay let's look at the facts as we know them. Fact: He said he was going to the library. Lucy: Fact: He never goes to the library. Mary: Fact: He stayed out all night long. Lucy: Fact: He was probably with a girl. Mary: Ok... that's not a fact but it's a safe guess; let's just assume. Assumption: He spent the night with the girl. Lucy: Assumption: He made out with her all night long.

Mary

Fact: You are way too young for me to be playing this game with you now go get ready for school.

7th Heaven

Family Secrets [1.02]

Eric: So many questions I don't know where to start. Why don't we try "Where were you?" Matt: I was at a friend's [house]. Eric: What friend? Matt: Just a friend; you don't know her.

Eric

Oh it's a her? That's interesting. Have you completely lost your mind? You stupid idiot.

7th Heaven

Family Secrets [1.02]

Ruthie: What are we doing? Mary: Nothing, sleepyhead. Come here. Ruthie: Are we in trouble? Lucy: What makes you think somebody's in trouble? Ruthie: Because I went down to the kitchen and Daddy just said, "Good morning". Mary: So? Ruthie: He usually says, "Good morning, Pumpkin!" Lucy: He probably just forgot. Ruthie: He always forgets when someone's in trouble. Mary: Well, it's Matt, but you don't have to worry because it's not any real big trouble.

Ruthie

I think it is.

7th Heaven

Family Secrets [1.02]

Simon: Well, Matt I've been thinking...

Matt

Well, don't do that; you might hurt yourself.

7th Heaven

Family Secrets [1.02]

Eric: I've got three daughters myself.

Mr. Nicholson

Yeah, any of them pregnant? [slams the door in his face]

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Lucy: You remember my dad? Jimmy: Oh yeah, the God guy.

Eric

Yeah, I see how you charmed my daughter.

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Matt: I'm sorry, Dad. I'm a total screw-up.

Eric

Not total. [lovingly embraces Matt]

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Matt: I'm a total idiot. Grandma Jenny: Hey, that's my grandson you're talking about! And he's not an idiot. He's just a 16-year-old kid trying to make his way in the world. Matt: How long will that take?

Grandma Jenny

Well, if he's anything like his grandmother it may take fifty or sixty years.

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Ruthie: Do you guys need anything? It's not 5:00 yet. Mary: So? Ruthie: Simon says I'm responsible for everything before 5:00. Mary: Yeah, well, go tell Simon nice try, but you're not his personal valet. Ruthie: Okay! Simon: That's it, pack it up sister, you're out of here!

Ruthie

No, I'm not your personal ballet!

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Annie: When did you start drinking wine?

Charles and Jenny

Yesterday.

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Matt: [to a cop] No officer, I wasn't drinking.

Cop

Well, that's an interesting cologne you're wearing. Step outside.

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Eric: So what are you and Jeff doing tonight? [Mary stares at him] That's right, I'm prying. It's my job, my duty, my life. Mary: Oh I don't know. We really don't have any plans, we might just drop by a party or something. Eric: Whose party? Annie: Have we met these people? Mary: I don't think so. Eric: Is it just for older kids? Mary: I don't know. Annie: Is alcohol allowed? Eric: Will the parents be home? Mary: I'm not sure, it's just a party. It's not like the guy throwing it handed out his biography. Eric: That would be autobiography and if he had you might have had a shot at going. Mary: Dad! Eric: Sorry kiddo, not gonna happen. Mary: What am I supposed to tell Jeff? Annie: The truth. That we said no. Eric: He knows who your parents are. Mary: Yeah, the people trying to ruin my life! [stomps off]

Eric

Not only trying, but sometimes succeeding.

7th Heaven

In the Blink of an Eye [1.03]

Jenny: [in Annie's dream] I love you Annie, but I have to go now. Annie: Mom? [goes into hallway]

Charles

I'm sorry Annie, she's passed on. She's gone. [Annie sobs into 's chest; Eric holds her]

7th Heaven

No Funerals and a Wedding [1.04]

Eric: Alone at last! Annie: Worth the wait!

Eric

I'm glad to hear you say that!

7th Heaven

No Funerals and a Wedding [1.04]

Ruthie: Mommy? Can we sing Grandma's song now?

Annie

Yes, sweetie. Tell you what. We'll go upstairs, we'll wash our faces, we'll get into our jammies, and I'll sing you Grandma's song.

7th Heaven

No Funerals and a Wedding [1.04]

Annie: Did Renee have her baby? Matt: Yeah, she had a little girl. Simon: Cool. Matt: Oh, and get this, Mom. You'll love this. She named the baby after Grandma. Simon: She named the baby "Grandma"? Matt: Her name was Jenny, Simon.

Simon

Oh. I had no idea.

7th Heaven

No Funerals and a Wedding [1.04]

Steve: I'm a tortured man because... I'm a bigamist!

Eric

Well, I have good news. She can't divorce you; you're not legally married.

7th Heaven

No Funerals and a Wedding [1.04]

Eric: Hey, Luce, have you seen your mom? Lucy: [shakes her head] Not lately. Eric: [walking over to Lucy sitting down in the hallway] Hey, how's my little girl?

Lucy

Not so good.

7th Heaven

No Funerals and a Wedding [1.04]

Simon: [just waking up] Hey, where's Grandpa? Eric: I'm sorry Simon but...he's gone. Simon: Wow, him too? Eric: No, to Phoenix, Simon. He went back to Phoenix. Simon: [chuckling] Oh. I thought you meant-

Matt

Come on Simon, let's go.

7th Heaven

No Funerals and a Wedding [1.04]

Annie: Simon, honey, we've talked about Heaven, remember? It's a place where good people go where they're surrounded by so much love. Simon: Yeah, but I need to know where that is, Mom. Annie: Oh. Well, it's... it's up there.

Simon

I was hoping you'd be a little more specific than that.