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Tell me a humorous joke that involves arrest suspicion.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to eat watch?

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch. But that would be time consuming

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Can you think of a joke that relates to super power that you could tell me?

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?" I said, "America."

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around seizure pool should do the trick.

What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your pool? Throw in your laundry.

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to surrender italy?

If France and Italy go to war, who would win? None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to topless ventriloquist that you could tell me?

I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night. She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

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Do you know any jokes related to bald eagle?

An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub... A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?" "Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I stumbled upon one of these birds that had fallen out of its nest and broken its wing. The eagle was going to die anyways, and I needed to save my own life. I killed it quickly, to put it out of its misery and got enough strength from the meat to stay alive until I was rescued. This was a life-or-death situation for me -- what else could I have done?" After solemnly considering the situation, the judge responds, "Given the circumstances, I think we can pardon you for this offence. However, just out of personal curiosity, what does a bald eagle taste like?" "Well, it's kind of like a cross between California condor and komodo dragon."

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around gabe newell should do the trick.

Gabe Newell should be president That way we'd never have WW3.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves daughter came?

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!” “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

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How about a joke related to vegetarian brother? Do you have one?

Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee Brocco Lee

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with discharged navy?

TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel even one time [deleted]

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I'm in the mood for a joke about jessica responds. Do you have any good ones?

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

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What's a good joke that relates to answered smoking?

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail. One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?" He answered: "no, I quit"

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How about a joke related to duck farts? Do you have one?

Where do duck farts come from? Their buttquacks.

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What's a good joke that relates to concerned sister?

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about job bartender?

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub. Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to midgets?

Two midgets are sitting around, bored... When one of them pulls out some weed and asks: "Wanna get medium?"

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Can you think of a joke that relates to batarka that you could tell me?

I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name. She said, "My name's Batarka." I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day." To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

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Can you think of a joke that centers around doctor vaccines?

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes. The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid." The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?" "I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom. "Ah-ha! That's it!" said the doctor. "The vaccines caused it?" "No, it's genetic."

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with presidents new?

The jokes on this subreddit are like US presidents. You might get a new one once every 4 years

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How about a joke related to went mit? Do you have one?

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around shouldn single should do the trick.

If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh, Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.

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Do you know any jokes related to know letter?

Think you know everything about the letter t? That's just the half of it.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to divorced that you could tell me?

Why I'm divorced. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there .... on the sofa .... naked.

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Do you know any jokes related to boob itch?

Boob itch A boyfriend walks in on his girlfriend scratching her breast. Delighted that he caught a glimpse of such a rare occurrence, he cries, "Boob itch!" His girlfriend turns to him, slaps him in the face, and says, "Don't call me that! And you didn't scare me."

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Can you think of a joke that centers around cremated lovers?

Three gay men died, and were cremated... ... Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.'' The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.'' The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to fallout?

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much... What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

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What's a funny joke that relates to apple maps?

A man using Apple maps walks into a bar Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

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Do you know any jokes related to yoda going?

Star wars joke Han solo: Yoda are we going the right way? Yoda: Off course we are

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves joke repost?

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day. Tell a redditor a joke, and he will repost for a lifetime.

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves wife accused?

My wife accused me of cheating I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to marry frog?

25 inch penis A man with a 25 inch cock goes to the witch in the woods with hopes she can make it smaller. the witch says to go further and find the magick talking frog. when you do, ask him if he will marry you. when he says no your dick shrinks 5 inches. the man finds the frog and asks "will you marry me?" the frog goes "no." and like magic, his dick shrunk 5 inches! still too big he decides to ask again "would you marry me?" the frog says "No!" now at 15 inches he think 10 would be perfect and decides to ask one last time. "will you marry me?" the frog, now mad, says "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"

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Would you be willing to share a joke about smoke alarm with me?

Damn girl are you a smoke alarm? Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

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What's a good joke that relates to tencent invest?

Why did Tencent invest $150 million in Reddit? [censored]

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to old pee?

So three old men met on a Sunday morning... "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

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Would you happen to have a joke about tiles boxes that you could tell me?

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny Mr. S is talking to Mr.B Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours? Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles! A week later Mr.S tells Mr.B : Hey asshole! I did the tiles in my bathroom and I got stuck with 7 extra boxes Mr.B: Me too

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Would you be willing to share a joke about vampires drunk with me?

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead. The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk. Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly. The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood. With a cackle, he points down the road. "You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!" The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements. The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all. "A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!" The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only chuckled amusedly. "How cute." He says. The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better." The third lets out a malevolent chuckle. "Very well." He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock. He disappears with a **CRACK.** The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at. Another resounding **CRACK** filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person. The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak. The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence. Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?" The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs, "You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?" Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?" The eldest, sheepishly, continued. "Well, I didn't."

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves travelling jokes.

The punchline comes before the question. What's the worst part about time travelling jokes? ​

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves arrest roman?

How do you arrest a Roman woman? Caesar.

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What's a funny joke that relates to diet removed?

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious

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What's a good joke that relates to blow job?

Girl about to jump of a bridge..... A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity. He asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a blow job?” So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job. After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.....

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Would you be willing to share a joke about leather armor with me?

Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking? Because it's made of hide.

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What's a funny joke that relates to panties cowboy?

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman... He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No." he replies "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "It must be broken because I *am* wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around lawyer married should do the trick.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. [deleted]

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Would you happen to have a joke about dry skin that you could tell me?

What's the leading cause of dry skin ...towels

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with vet german?

A woman is walking her dog along the pier When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly thankful to the man says “Thank you so so much, you’ve saved my dogs life, are you a vet??” to which the German man replies “VET??? I’M FUCKING SOAKING”

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to germany smartest?

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked... ... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed under the skin of my forearm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. Japan has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their mobile systems placed in my hand." The Russian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He exited to the bathroom stalls and returned a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Russian finally said-"Well, well, well comrades- it appears that SOMEBODY is receiving a fax!"

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to sally bar?

I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell. He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life." "Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?" So the guy tells his story: "Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally", says barman. "So I was down there, just having a couple ... Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'" "Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night" "Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, yankow. Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and Ahhhin'." "Hey that's pretty good. Sally is a very nice girl. What a night" says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, Ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens." "What happened?" says barkeep. "There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my ass and I'm freezing to death!" "Oh I see the problem", sasy barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin'n'aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, that's bad." "Wait, I haven't finsihed yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh no ... " says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy. "Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window ... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, let it stop" says the barkeep. "Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, oohin'0n0aaaahin'. And finally they're done. they go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death, and I'm six inches off the ground."

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Do you know any jokes related to blind girl?

If a blind girl tells you that you have a big dick [deleted]

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to walks bar?

A Redditor walks into a bar Just kidding, Redditors don’t socialize

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Can you think of a joke that centers around cat comma?

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves human cloning?

If I don’t perfect Human Cloning... ...I won’t be able to live with myself

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to testicles pay. Do you have one?

Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service. Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service. The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 pounds for every inch." The man stretches out his arms as wide as he can. The royal tailor measures him and they pay him 72,000 pounds. The second soldier is blind. He has extraordinarily long legs. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from his head to his toes and pay him 1,000 pounds for every inch." The royal tailor measures him and they pay him 76,000 pounds. The third man looks perfectly healthy -- and absolutely average in every way. The Queen says, "And you, sir, how would you like to be compensated?" The man says, "From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles, your majesty." The Queen arches an eyebrow and her eyes twinkle in amusement. "Very well. Measure this man from the tip of his penis to the base of his testicles and pay him 1,000 pounds for every inch." The royal tailor squats in front of the man and arranges his tape measure, but then he stops. "Where are your testicles?" "Last time I saw them, Afghanistan."

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Would you happen to have a joke about mom lover that you could tell me?

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about restaurant jesus that you could tell me?

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to change lightbulb?

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about fetish?

I really need to get this shit off my chest, and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.

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What's a funny joke that relates to instead neil?

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be... How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to went doctor? Do you have one?

I went to the doctor... I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to small penis that you could tell me?

I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem" I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to small dicks. Do you have one?

I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, "This is so unrealistic." I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid." "No it's not that," she exclaimed, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have really small dicks."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to dna sheep? Do you have one?

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep? ...banned from the petting zoo...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about brazilian soldiers with me?

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq." "Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves the_royal_norwegian_navy_decided_to_put_bar_codes?

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian! Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like! 2015: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jq5nb/til_the_norwegian_navy_have_started_to_put/ 2016: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/5ic1dk/the_royal_norwegian_navy_decided_to_put_bar_codes/

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves pirate favorite.

What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Customer, Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to squirting isn?

Me: Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right? [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to south border. Do you have one?

Call me a racist if you must, but south of the border is nothing but a land of corruption, violence and stupidity that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about touching pasta with me?

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔 (Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with breasts gorilla?

Man Vs Gorilla Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do. !' Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to Break free from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, lift your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman lifts her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache or that you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to jokes trump?

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until You realize you're a healthy young man

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around ambulance dad should do the trick.

Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance. Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance. Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to cheated donut?

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast. Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves fetishists win?

Why do foot fetishists never win? Because they like the taste of defeat.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to celebrating pi?

I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day. It's irrational.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to identifying skinny?

I am an obese man identifying as a skinny man... I am trans-fat.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about disgusted watching. Do you have any good ones?

This election has been a bit like watching porn... The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to wanted movie?

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?” I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves porn girlfriend?

I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.” I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves rudolph raining.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation. "I think it's raining" says the man. "I think it's snowing" says the woman. "How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to cat mars that you could tell me?

They found a cat on mars... A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with forgot gym?

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today That's 7 years in a row now

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around say choo should do the trick.

The first day of first grade The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer. One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo." "That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train." The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer." "I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach." The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to Disney World and I met Winnie the Shit!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with fookin?

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with mother deaf?

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly. I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled. And now we wait.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to girlfriends deleted?

A man has 3 girlfriends [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about computers troubleshooting with me?

Why do Americans have good computers? Because they have no troubleshooting.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to change light?

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves ejaculation society.

I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting... So I just came in my pants.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to professor super?

Professor X: what's your super power? Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to rupee notes that you could tell me?

A joke from India Translated from Hindi: There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back. This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says 'Keep standing in line you fuckwits, today I will not open the damn bank! . . . Premise for those unaware: India has recently scrapped 500 rupee and 1000 rupee notes, rendering 85% of the country's cash utterly useless. (Funnier than the joke, isn't it?!) So folks are queued up outside banks to exchange old notes for new currency.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about politician hands. Do you have any good ones?

Man, it's so cold outside.. I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves cancer jokes?

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today... If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to friends deleted. Do you have one?

4 friends. [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with barrels tasted?

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with visit heaven?

Heaven or Hell? While walking down the street one day, a political head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." says the politician. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a politician, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves moon cut?

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves southern fairytale.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to days sex. Do you have one?

317 days without sex... went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about fuck pear that you could tell me?

And for my next trick, I will dissapear Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about logic fetish?

I've just discovered I have a logic fetish I can't stop coming to conclusions

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes