Datasets:

mikegarts

/

oa_tell_a_joke_10000

like 0

Can you think of a joke that relates to divorced that you could tell me?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to blonde lawyer. Do you have one?

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other. A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves hospitalized toy?

A man was hospitalized with 6 toy plastic horses up his ass The doctors described his condition as stable.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with english teachers?

What does English teachers do on Reddit? Edit: grammar

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with ships lighthouse?

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in. Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves supreme reader?

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to new horror?

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves answered chicken?

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered The chicken

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to cards captain that you could tell me?

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to killed eagle that you could tell me?

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle... A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the eagle. I figured that since I killed the eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe kind of between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to batman?

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to kerosene doctor?

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic... He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500." A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste." Upon hearing this, the engineer told his assistant to get a tablespoon of kerosene and give it to the doctor. When he tasted the kerosene, the doctor spat it out and exclaimed," That was terrible!" The engineer smirked and replied," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left grumbling Still determined, the doctor went back to the clinic and told the engineer this time," I have lost my memory!" The engineer told his assistant to give the doctor another tablespoon of kerosene. When the doctor heard it, he immediately stopped the assistant. The engineer, once again, laughed and told the doctor," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left Even more determined, the doctor marched into the clinic and told the engineer," I have lost my vision." The engineer thought for a moment and sighed and replied, " I do not have a cure for that, I will write you the check for $1500." So, he goes off and begins to write a check. The doctor smirked and waited for the engineer. When the engineer came back, he handed the doctor the check and left. "WAIT! This check only has $200, are you trying to cheat me?" the doctor exclaimed. But at that moment, the doctor realised his fault. "That would be another $500, thank you." the engineer replied, laughing.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about appointment sperm with me?

How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank? Tell them you can't come.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around burnt hawaiian?

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.. I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about elevators with me?

Elevators are a lot like urinals Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around rabbis golfing should do the trick.

Four rabbis were golfing EDIT: So everyone seems to be reading "rabbits," like "bunnies," only to get confused halfway through the joke. This is actually about "rabbis," meaning Jewish clergymen. Carry on... ************* Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down. One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore he was right and that the other three were misguided. Exasperated by the stubbornness of the others, he fell to his knees. "Oh, Lord, give me a sign to show that I am right and that these other three are wrong." Just as he finished, four storm clouds blew in over the golf course. Three all merged into a single larger cloud, but the fourth blasted through the larger cloud, dissipating it. As smug as the fourth rabbi was, the other three insisted that this was nothing that couldn't be explained by natural phenomena and that he was still wrong. Again, he fell to his knees. "Oh, Lord, please give *another* sign to show that I am right on this." As he was finishing his prayer, a single storm cloud blew in and sent a fork of lightning down on four trees standing on a nearby hill. Three of the trees were destroyed and the fourth remained intact. Again, though, the three rabbis argued that it was a hot summer day and the occasional freak lightning storm didn't signify anything. "Oh, Lord," he began again before being cut off by a billowing voice from the clouds. "HE'S RIGHT!" the voice boomed. One of the three rabbis simply shrugged at this. "Alright. So now it's three to two."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to old blind that you could tell me?

An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar. [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to hot daughter?

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still awake?'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to protect indian? Do you have one?

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit. The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanium alloy steel. But the shield held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell apart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about indian burial. Do you have any good ones?

With all the bad things happenning in america right now, you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to bates poems that you could tell me?

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates, His poems weren't always first rate, His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had, Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about par jesus?

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3. Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par. Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the ball onto the green, and putts for par. The old man is up. He drives the ball and it's heading for the water trap. Before the ball lands in the water, a fish jumps out and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish lands back in the water, a bird swoops down, snags the fish, and begins to fly away. As it's circling over the green, a bolt of lighting strikes the bird, causing it to drop the fish onto the green. The ball pops out of the fish's mouth, and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around we're not gonna bring you next time."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with sneeze orgasm?

A man is sitting next to a woman... A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?” “I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.” The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?” The woman smiled, “Pepper.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves teacher cat?

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat... A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around rich genie?

A genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich." And the genie said, "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to meet wetherspoons?

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves dropped knife?

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about elephant traveling with me?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed... You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to women spent?

I can't figure women out... I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough. I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves soldier khakis?

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves night wives?

Girls' Night Out Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with wasp sound?

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to pretend gay?

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!! [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about officer eat?

Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with favorite joke?

My favorite joke my dad’s told me to date Two men, were interviewing for a management-level position at a prestigious company, and had made it to the final phase of the process. They were going to be interviewed by the CEO to see who was best for the job. One of the men was a Harvard grad who had a degree in economics and a history of white collar jobs. The other was a blue-collar man who’d worked the factory floor and knew what it was like to do all of the labor he would be managing. The CEO had a very difficult choice. In order to decide he told the two men to each write a poem. The two conditions were that they had to write it in thirty seconds, and they had to use the word “Timbuktu”. Thinking that he could beat any stupid cowboy, the Harvard grad went first. After thinking for about a minute, he came up with the following: “Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu.” The CEO was fairly pleased, and doubted the cowboy could top that, but he gave him a shot regardless. As his time passed, the cowboy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: “Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about dry skin that you could tell me?

What is the number one cause of dry skin? Towels.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to kim jung? Do you have one?

Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to start conversation? Do you have one?

“My wife looked at me and said, "you weren't even listening were you?" I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to camp ground?

You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with long preacher?

Jesus had long hair A teenager was entering his senior year of high school. His father, a Baptist preacher, made a deal with him. "Son, if you get straight A's for the entire year, AND if you cut off that long hippy hair, I will buy you the car of your choice when you graduate." The son accepted the challenge and worked very hard all year. He got the best grades of his life and graduated top of his class. "Well, Dad. I held up my end of the bargain. Top of my class. I'll take a Ford Mustang, red." The dad smiled and said "Well done, son. Your grades are impressive. Now all you need to do is cut your hair and the car is yours." "But dad," the son protested "what's wrong with my hair being long? You're a preacher... JESUS had long hair." "Yep," said the dad "and he walked every god damn place he went too."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to women spent?

There was a man who had three girlfriends There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves floppy?

What do women and modern computers have in common? Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to masturbating computer?

My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen. "What the fuck is that?" she asked. I said, "It's a woman masturbating." "Why is this on your computer screen?" "I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around yelling age should do the trick.

That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!" Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to negative language?

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to canada americans. Do you have one?

What's the difference between America and Canada? The Americans have really nice neighbors. edit: wow, some Americans are really butt hurt from this joke. why so sensitive???

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to confessional box?

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul. I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to bartender hearing?

I walked into a bar once... I went into a bar once and ordered a drink from the bartender. He puts down the drink and a side of peanuts. I take a sip of the drink and I hear faintly, "Man, you have great hair!" I was a little freaked out by it, because there isn't anyone in the bar besides me and the bartender, but the bartender is on the other side of the bar washing dishes. I shook it off as me hearing things after having a long day. I take another gulp of my drink and again I hear the voice: "That's a wonderful shirt you have on, sir!". I look around the bar again and still there is no one to be found. I thought maybe it's time to leave. So I take my third and final drink and again I hear the voice, but louder this time: "You're such a handsome man!!" Before I leave I call the bartender over to explain what is happening to me, maybe I was sick or something? I said, "Mr. Bartender, I keep hearing a voice say nice things about me every time I take a drink. Did you add something into the drink to make me hallucinate or something? Should I call an ambulance?" And the bartender says, "No, sir. It's the peanuts; they're complimentary!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves marry ex?

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around grandma walking?

My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now... And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to easiest abortion?

The easiest abortion I've ever performed was on a stripper. It was like taking a baby from Candy.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to officer older?

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. *The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun* Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. *The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled* Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around peta like?

PETA is like a box of chocolates [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about sixteen sodium?

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about disgusted youth. Do you have any good ones?

I am disgusted by the youth of today.... Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like “PEADO” “NONCE” “KIDDY FIDDLER” It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about keeper that you could tell me?

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save... ...She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves japan low?

Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate? They don’t like Fat Man and Little Boy

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to unacceptable bowling?

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV. Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to americans join?

How do you get Americans to join a world war? Tell them it's nearly finished.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to small donation?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about blonde mom. Do you have any good ones?

A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe.... They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit... Cindy has a dick.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves lesbian neighbors?

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about mr smith that you could tell me?

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about hitler great with me?

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy. But he really saved the History channel.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to attacked husband?

The chief of police knocks on a woman's door "Ma'am", he says, removing his hat: "we have bad and good news" "bad news first" the woman replies. "I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor" The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?" "When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?" "No way. that's disgusting!" the woman sobbed "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with forgot gym?

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves number 666.

If the number 666 is considered evil... does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves forget grandpa?

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words "Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to gets cigarette?

When I... A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink. After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink. After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food. After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette. After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around told identifies should do the trick.

My dad came out to me today and told me he now identifies as a woman He just wanted to be transparent with me

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around car reverse?

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says... "Ah, that takes me back."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with dyslexic daniel?

My friend found out recently that he is both gay and dyslexic. He is still in Daniel.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with suicide note?

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note. Would it kill them to write few sentences?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with peels banana?

Dad peels banana... When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana... Dad: peels the first strip of the banana peel... "One skin" Peels the second strip... "Two skin" "Three skin" "Five skin" Me: "What happened to the Four skin" Dad: "Jewish banana" I was twelve and I finally figured it out....

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves frenchman russian?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English." The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French." The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around news covers?

R/News that about covers it

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to using straw?

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to called slut?

If a girl has sex with many guys, she's called a slut, but if a guy does the same... ... he's called gay.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to negative language. Do you have one?

A linguistics professor says during a lecture.... A linguistics professor says during a lecture that 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.' But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to wife farmer that you could tell me?

A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the goat and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to immigrants sweden?

What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with dad jokes?

I don't always tell dad jokes... But when I do, he laughs.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves left insecure?

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make some coffee.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about juggling juggler?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to turn left?

I was in a Uber today and the driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do…" Then I said "turn left"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around pikachu raichu should do the trick.

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu? Raichu.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about man millionaire. Do you have any good ones?

Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Only if he's a billionaire. Credits to Kevin Hart

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to hate lazy?

Please stop the hate on the lazy people They didn’t do anything at all

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to smith wife. Do you have one?

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition." Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with baptized bear?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi... ...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes. The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear". The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him." The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands. "Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with bee lives?

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with mexican xanax?

Why did the Mexican take Xanax For Hispanic attacks

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about pee deleted?

The Polite Way To Pee [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with fight club?

Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with priest rabbi?

A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived. Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with pulley?

What does a pulley like the best about its position? It's the center of a tension.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to pregnant teenage?

What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to didn wake?

A husband and wife were having a bad day. They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there. At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up early for work.” He went to sleep and all was well. The next morning he woke up and immediately realized something was wrong, he was too rested for comfort. He looked at the time and panicked because it was already 9. He ran to his wife and asked why she didn’t wake him up. She glanced at the table. Next to his note was another one. He opened it and it said “wake up, it’s 6 A.M.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about funeral widow?

The husband of the woman next door died. The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her home. The neighbors next door politely ignored her crying, trying their best to respect her grieving. However, their seven year old son was perplexed by her behavior. One day, while waiting for the bus, the boy saw the widow doing her usual wailing. Overcome with curiosity, he walked over to her and tugged on her sleeve. "Ma'am, why are you sad?" She looked at him, wiping tears from her eyes. "My dear husband passed away." "Yes, but why are you always crying this early in the day?" "I guess I'm just a mourning person."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around sunbathes nude should do the trick.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard. Personally I’m on the fence.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes