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Can you think of a joke that centers around won toaster?

And the Lord said unto John... "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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What's a funny joke that relates to business weigh?

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation

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Would you happen to have a joke about dealer hooker that you could tell me?

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to cigarette astonished?

A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished. Kids these days have such great manners

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I'm in the mood for a joke about berlin asks. Do you have any good ones?

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?" He replies "Berlin." She then asks "What is the capital of France?" He replies "Berlin." She asks "What is the capital of Russia?" He replies "Berlin." She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to join fraternity?

Being circumcised, I couldn't join a fraternity... Apparently you have to be complete dick. Edit: Thanks for Gold. This will be one of the final reposts from Yik-Yak ever so glad you liked it.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves finer tits?

A man visits an old tavern and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold. The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?" The artist responds, "it is. I have dedicated my life to appreciating the bosom of a woman." Jokingly, the man says, "I too appreciate the finer tits in life!" The artist leans close and whispers, "then I have a secret to share with you. Every night, the barkeeper's wife waits in bed upstairs with the lights off, waiting for the barkeeper to come in and fuck her. She has the most fantastic set of tits you'll ever see. So, if you wait for the bar to get really busy, you can sneak upstairs and get in bed with her, and she'll be never the wiser." The man laughs off such a ridiculous story and goes to sit down. However, the idea tantalizes him, and after an hour the bar starts to get really busy and the barkeeper is run off his feet. Out of curiosity (and a little help from booze), the man gets up and sneaks up the staircase in the corner. Upstairs he finds a closed door. He turns the handle and peers inside. The room is dark but he can make out a bed with a figure lying in it. Heart pounding, he goes in, closes the door behind him, crawls into bed, and snuggles up to the woman. She immediately moans softly, and so his puts his arm around her to find a huge pair of bare breasts. He immediately notices they're fake, but he doesn't care. The woman warms up to him quickly and they start making out. Before long, she unzips his pants, and gives him the best blowjob he's ever had. After finishing, the man feels extremely guilty and admits to the woman, "I must confess. I am not your husband, I'm so sorry". The woman says "It's OK. I have a confession too. I'm the bust scriber!"

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Can you think of a joke that centers around fall stairs?

How to fall down stairs * Step 1 * Step 2 * Step 4 * Step 15

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Can you think of a joke that relates to write sand that you could tell me?

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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Would you happen to have a joke about eldest son that you could tell me?

There was a king ready to abdicate. So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king." Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the wreck of the Windbreaker, from the bottom of the stormy North Sea." "Right away, Father." said the eldest son, departing at once, determined to become king. Then to his middle son, Nimble and Self-righteous, "You are to retrieve your great grandfather's shield, bearing our coat of arms, from the deadly jungles of India, lost at the site of a battle since forgotten." "I shall do so at once, Father." said the middle son, and so he too departed at once. Then he beckoned for his youngest son, a young man Intelligent, but meek next to his older siblings, to approach. "Yes, Father?" The son inquired. To which the King replies, "Bring me a coke, I never liked those assholes."

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I'm in the mood for a joke about neutral sea. Do you have any good ones?

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion Neutral As in Without an ion

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to balances god. Do you have one?

So there God was creating the earth. So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?" "I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles. "Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?" "Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced." Michael smiled finally getting it. That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?" With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world." Michael was impressed but said. "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful? God shrugged. "I put it next to England." Happy St. Paddy's to all

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves note fridge?

My Girlfriend Left a Note On The Fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mom's place" I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves eating man?

A man walks into a diner one day and orders a bowl of chili but the waitress says she gave the last of it to a guy sitting nearby who is just staring at it. After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?" The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want." So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating. About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to  see half a dead rat sitting in the chili. He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl. The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves divorce heaven?

A man and woman die on their way to get married. They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven. When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven. "That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer" St Peter leaves the couple and the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to days. Finally after more than a week St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn. "Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in" "But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask. St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple. "If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."

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What's a funny joke that relates to gorilla dies?

So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo... ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get people's attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lion's den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

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Can you think of a joke that centers around physics heavier?

How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!

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Would you happen to have a joke about horse says that you could tell me?

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "Sure."

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Would you happen to have a joke about nsfw word that you could tell me?

NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'? "Count" you dumb cunt.

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to ethiopian children. Do you have one?

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis

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How about a joke related to english weird? Do you have one?

English is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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How about a joke related to dad chair? Do you have one?

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"

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How about a joke related to dad 50th? Do you have one?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said .... You know, one would have been enough.

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about teachers alarmed?

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about jokes unemployed. Do you have any good ones?

Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny they just don't work.

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Would you be willing to share a joke about bonnie boy with me?

There's a boy named Bonnie... There's a boy named Bonnie. He's made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he's become very shy. But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out. She says yes, and he's so happy. After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him. She says yes, and he's so happy. When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her. The wife names the baby "Love". Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of because of her weird name. She comes home from school one day screaming at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. He takes blame, wanting to protect his wife, and apologizes. Love says he ruined her life. She shoots him and runs away. Finally the wife comes home, sees Bonnie lying on the ground, screams and runs to him. "Bonnie! What happened?!" He becons her to come closer, and he whispers in her ear: *"Shot through the heart. And you're to blame. Darling you gave Love a bad name."*

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves parrot 50?

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. [deleted]

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves keyboard manufacturers.

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other Retards /u/TheDarkKn1ght (First post to this community, please be kind)

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Would you happen to have a joke about sex work that you could tell me?

Is sex work? A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC (Private First Class) who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

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Would you happen to have a joke about snakes adders that you could tell me?

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply". When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. "Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed. "We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around worse store should do the trick.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

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What's a funny joke that relates to eclipse did?

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot. It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

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How about a joke related to kilts sheep? Do you have one?

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves ejaculate yogurt.

Yogurt on the bus [NSFW] On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..." I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

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What's a good joke that relates to joke oedipus?

A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today. It was motherfucking gold.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to heard year?

Are you guys OK? I haven't heard from you all year.

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about visit heaven?

Heaven Vs Hell While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.  'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'  'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.  'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'  'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.  'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he  realizes it, it is time to go.  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..  The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.  'Now it's time to visit heaven.'  So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,  before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.  'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'  The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'  So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.  Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...  The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'  The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......  'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about wife romantic?

A wife texted her husband A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about buttercups trying?

Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf... ...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She yelled, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!” Then POOF! she was gone! After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Bill, where are you?” Bill yells back, “I’m over here in the pussywillows.” Joe shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING !

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What's a good joke that relates to semicolon?

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to identical twin that you could tell me?

I just found out my wife has an identical twin I saw her on Tinder.

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves moral story?

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?” 25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy. “Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eggs, but when they hatched we only got 8 chicks.” “And what was the moral of that story,” asked the teacher. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!” “Very good!” She responded, “who else would like to share their story?” This time she called on a girl in the front of the room. “We raise chickens too, but we raise them for their eggs,” said the girl. “One time we put our eggs in a basket in the back of our truck to take them to market, but on the way we hit a bump and the basket flew out and all the eggs broke.” “What was the moral there?” “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Excellent,” said the teacher. “We have time for one more story- who would like to share?” This time she called on a boy in the back of the room. “Ok, Johnny- tell us your story.” “My dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in Desert Storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a machine gun. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t go to waste and when she crash landed there were 100 enemy soldier waiting for her. So she killed 80 with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete till the blade broke off, then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.” The teacher is absolutely appalled, but trying to maintain her composure she chokes out, “and w-what did your father tell you was the moral to that story?” “To stay the hell away from my aunt Becky when she’s been drinking!”

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I'm in the mood for a joke about water cup. Do you have any good ones?

During a job interview yesterday I poured myself some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly. "Nervous?" Said the interviewer. "No" I said, "I always give 110%"

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Would you happen to have a joke about threatening employee that you could tell me?

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

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Can you share a joke that involves witnesses italians?

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians don't like ANY witnesses

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Would you be willing to share a joke about hate snow with me?

Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with dollar ruble?

What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ? A dollar.

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Do you know any jokes related to numbers paddy?

A little Irish math test Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test. Here is your first question, the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks. “Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “Ere ye go.” The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.” The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.” The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”

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I'm in the mood for a joke about sex fruit. Do you have any good ones?

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed When we broke up she went fucking bananas

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Can you think of a joke that centers around man replies?

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass. He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?" The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option." The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house." The man, very grateful, replies, "Yes! That would be nice. Thank you so much, sir." He points at the end of the road and says, "There's another family of 5 there. They also haven't eaten in a long time! Would you mind if they come along as well?" The businessman says, "Sure, as long as they can fit in my car. My house isn't far down this road so it shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I haven't mowed my lawn in months."

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to wedge beer?

I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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Can you think of a joke that centers around gap jobs?

At the job interview Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it? Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow. Me: Yay, I got a yob.

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Do you know any jokes related to drink satan?

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Guy: "Gee that sounds great!" Satan: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." Guy: "Cool!" Satan: "What about Drugs?" Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?" Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Guy: "No..." Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

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Would you happen to have a joke about fart tell that you could tell me?

A woman bent down ....to take a close look at a fine piece of jewelry in a jewelry store. In the process she vent out a fart. Embarrassed at that she looked around to see if anyone heard that. A salesman was right behind her. She gathered her composure and in the hope he didn't notice her breaking the wind asked " What is the price for that necklace?" The man smiled and said, "Just looking at it you let out a fart. If I tell you the price I am pretty sure you'll shit your pants". Edit: spelling.

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Can you think of a joke that centers around old nun?

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

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Would you happen to have a joke about hashtag that you could tell me?

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with fewer hitler?

Grammar Nazi. "Sir, we are mining too many useless cores" [Hitler rubs chin] "So, mine less. [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] "MINE FEWER!" [Hitler looks up] "Yes, soldier?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to recycled?

What does the “r” in r/jokes stand for? Recycled.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to wife unsatisfied?

I have to ask myself, is my wife unsatisfied? a tiny part of me says yes

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to new ceo?

The NEW CEO A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said,”Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?” From across the room a voice said, “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with russian submarines?

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air. Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month. Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to polish immigrant?

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to shouted jenny. Do you have one?

Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap: "Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?" She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny And the teacher said, "Very good". Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny: "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricked her with a pencil. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny. And the teacher said, "very good." Soon, a third question comes: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Mike jabbed her with the pencil. Jenny jumped in her seat and shouted: "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about mmmmmmmmmm duct?

What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"? Duct Tape.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves life backwards?

I want to live my next life backwards You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about cheating letters. Do you have any good ones?

My wife found out I was cheating... ... after she found the letters I was hiding. She got real mad and said that she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to membrane osmoses?

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to female archaeologists that you could tell me?

Why are there so many female archaeologists? Because bitches love digging up the past.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about limo driver with me?

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves thai girlfriend?

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to coors budweiser? Do you have one?

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch. So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first - 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy - 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy - 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?' 'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves arms dealer.

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex He's a small arms dealer

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to ashley madison?

Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted? To get fucked by a third party?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around fruit fineapple?

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable.... I would visit you every day in the hospital.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves shoot wife.

The FBI had an open position for an assassin After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to hen easy? Do you have one?

A farmer buys a cock and brings him back to his farm ...then releases him with the rest of his animals. The cock looks around, and notices that there are hundreds of hens, but only one other cock, who looked old and weak. "This will be easy", thinks the cock to himself and walks straight to the other one. "Listen here", the young cock said, "I am now the boss of this place and all these hen are mine. You're too old to do anything anyway." "Fair enough", the old cock said, "but you will have to race me to the gate for it. If you win, all the hen are yours." "This should be easy", the young cock thinks to himself. "I have just one condition. Since I am old I would like a three second head start." The young cock looks at the distance to the gate, realizes that he will still win without much trouble and agrees. The race begins, the old cock starts running and three seconds later the young one rushes right after him. Naturally the young cock is catching up to the old one immediately and not even half way to the gate he is right behind him. All of a sudden there is a loud *bang*, and the young cocks falls dead to the ground. On the porch stands the farmer with his rifle. "God damnit those motherfuckers at the market! This is the 3rd gay cock they sold me this year!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to japanese ea?

How do you say "no" in Japanese? EA.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to eat dirt? Do you have one?

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with prostitute thought?

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?" A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with: "Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?" She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would." "Would you sleep with me for $5?" "What do you think I am, a prostitute?" "I thought we already established that and were now haggling the price."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about physicist sees. Do you have any good ones?

A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building. "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to irishman replies?

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves cemetery morning?

I was walking through a cemetery this morning... and saw a man crouched behind a gravestone. I said "morning!" He replied "no mate just having a shit"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to van vanilla? Do you have one?

A woman walks into an ice cream shop and tries to order two scoops of chocolate ice cream The man behind the counter says "Sorry, we don't have any left. The woman apologizes and says "Oh ok. In that case, I'll have a cone... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is confused and says "Lady, I just told you that we don't have chocolate anymore." The woman says "Damn, I am so sorry. I guess I forgot that. Ok so then in that case, I'll have just a cup... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The guy sighs and says again "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have chocolate at the moment. The woman says "Ohhhh right right right. Sorry. Then I guess I'll have a Sundae....with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is furious at this woman's incompetence and says "Ok lady, answer me this. How do you spell the 'van' in vanilla?" The woman says "V-A-N" The man says "How do you spell the 'straw' in strawberries?" The woman says "S-T-R-A-W" Then the man says "So now how do you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?" The woman is confused and says "There's no fuck in chocolate" "THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to obama answers that you could tell me?

Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God... God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?" Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!" "Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right." Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all." "Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left." Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?" Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to stress masturbation?

Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves happy ramadan?

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters! This month, lunch is on me :)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to breadwinner?

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house… So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around flowers internet should do the trick.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet Whoops, E-Daisies

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with questions kids?

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenny," he says. "And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?” Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?” A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "What is your question, Johnny?" she asks. "I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about punch line?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves pack cross?

Why is Jesus always shown having a 6 pack? Because of all his cross training

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with laughs life?

Headaches. A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me." The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?" "I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I had to put it all behind me. I always wanted to live in California, so I sold everything I had, broke my lease, and moved here. I got an apartment right over there across from the bar, and just today I landed my dream job." He drains half his beer, "Life is GREAT!" The bartender stands back and beams, hands on his hips, sharing the man's joy, "That's great man...y'know, most guys would not have the balls to pack up and leave like that." At that, the man lets out a peal of laughter, spilling his beer and nearly falling off his stool. "And that's the kicker! I don't have ANY balls! None at all!" As you might expect, the bartender looked confused. The man leans over the bar. "You see, starting about 10 years ago, I started getting terrible headaches. I mean they were crippling, man. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat, Couldn't work...hell, sometimes I could barely walk. And they just kept getting worse. I finally found a doc that found the problem....turns out it was something with my balls, pressing into the base of my spine. The pressure was causing the headaches. I mean...it was a hard decision...but the headaches were ruining my life. I was damn near suicidal. So...well...off they came. And now I'm completely reinventing myself. Next step, get a new wardrobe." He holds up his glass in a toast and drains it, waggling for another as he swallows. The bartender's jaw has dropped. "That...that's incredible." He turns to fill the glass and looks up as the beer pours in. "Hey...y'know... I think I can set you up." he looks up over the bar and scans around. He quickly sees who he's looking for. "Barry! Hey Barry, get over here...this man needs a new suit." He looks back to the new customer. "This guy's amazing, totally old school. Can size a guy just by looking at him. Makes all of his suits himself, and I'll get him to cut you a deal." Up walks a thin, bespectacled, immaculately dressed elderly man. He approaches the bar, "Yes?", he says in a clipped voice. "Got a customer for ya, Barry. Treat him nice, he's been through a lot." "Ah! You are wanting a new suit?" He looks the man up and down. He pulls his spectacles down on his nose. "A...reinvention of yourself?" Then man beams, "Yes! Exactly! new job, new city, new friends...and now I need a new suit." "Hmmm...collar is 15, yes?" "Yes! Exactly!" "42 long jacket feels to long, 42 feels too short, yes?" "Yes! Exactly!" "I will cut it custom for you. Tall and slender...waist 32..inseam 34..." "Ah...you got the waist right, but I'm a 32 inseam. Always have been." Barry waves his hand dismissively and continues his examination. "No...no..you are are a 34 inseam. 32 is too short. A 32 would push your balls right up into your spine. Give you one hell of a headache."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves scheduling yoda?

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around bulletproof irishman should do the trick.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick O'Shea.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with god asks?

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck.. and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around bone laughing?

If you boil a funny bone It becomes a laughing stock

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves penises posts?

What do penises and posts in r/jokes have in common? They're both often mislabeled as "long"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves arabia amsterdam?

What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam? They both get stoned after sex

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves fishing atheist.

An atheist is deep sea fishing. An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!" Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real." "Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with pronounce unionized?

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes