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Can you think of a joke that relates to wife asked that you could tell me?

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... I tell her that they /r/jokes...

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to genie comes. Do you have one?

A man walks into a bar and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, "Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?" "Well," the man replies, "I see this joke posted here every day."

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Can you share a joke that involves eats fly?

A fly hovers above a lake. A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly." Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish." Meanwhile, a hunter in the bushes thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, and I can shoot the bear." He takes a bite of a cracker, leaving the pack open. Meanwhile, a mouse near the hunter thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I can eat one of those crackers." Meanwhile, a nearby cat thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will eat the crackers, and I can eat the mouse." So the fly drops onto the water. The fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse eats the crackers, but the cat overshoots the mouse and lands in the lake. Moral of the story: Every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy is gonna get wet.

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with depot scam?

Home Depot Scam BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam. While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. ​ You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 28th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

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Can you think of a joke that centers around rigged wife?

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.' I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex. The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex. I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, I went again for another fill-up. Again i asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave me the same story, and asked me to guess the correct number. I guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As i was driving away, I couldn’t shrug myself off from this nagging thought ‘Maybe that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' But I convinced myself.. ‘It can’t be rigged.. My wife won twice last week !'

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to imaginary joke?

All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary. Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they

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What's a good joke that relates to away whim?

At any given moment the urge to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim-away... ...a whim-away,a whim-away,a whim-away...

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Can you think of a joke that centers around guts balls?

The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military. There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295. GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to tampons wife?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

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What's a funny joke that relates to bartender note?

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender. The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up. This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated. The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table. Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change". The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to procrastinating woodpecker? Do you have one?

What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker? A wouldpecker

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I'm in the mood for a joke about akira western. Do you have any good ones?

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man, “Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?” [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to poetry dyslexia. Do you have one?

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves cardiologist funeral.

Cardiologist's Funeral  A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

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Can you think of a joke that centers around cheat code?

What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with created monkey?

The meaning of life.... On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed...... On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

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Would you be willing to share a joke about dea officer with me?

A DEA officer walks on to ranch in Texas... A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves policeman said?

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her." "If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

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What's a funny joke that relates to conversation ask?

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

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Can you share a joke that involves guard dog?

A young couple's house gets burgled, so they decide to get a guard dog... The wife goes to a pet shop and tells the owner "I'd like to see the toughest guard dog you've got!" The owner answers "I've got just the dog for you!". He presents to her to a tiny chihuahua called Roxy. "Sure he's cute, but can he really guard a home?" she asks skeptically. "Lady, this isn't just any dog, he is in fact a master of karate!". "Prove it!" she demands . "Roxy, karate my chair!" he commands of the dog. Roxy immediately attacks the chair in a blur of chops, kicks and uppercuts, leaving nothing but tinder. "Roxy, karate my desk!" he commands. Roxy sweeps the desk off its legs and breaks it apart in mid-air before it hits the ground. "Do you accept checks?" she says bewildered. She brings Roxy home to her husband, who looks at the two of them aghast. "Why did you bring that little toy? We're looking for a guard dog!" "Honey this isn't just any dog off the street, he happens to be a master of karate" she beams. "Pffft" replies the husband. "Karate my ass!"

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Would you be willing to share a joke about time capsule with me?

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves alphabet laughed?

So I was at the bar last night.. and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!" I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed...except this *one* guy.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to virgin choice?

I'm a virgin by choice. Not my choice, but everyone else's.

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How about a joke related to route yoda? Do you have one?

Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route? Yoda: Off course I am!

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around escort daughter should do the trick.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.... He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!" The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say,but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....

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Can you think of a joke that centers around oasis sister?

I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995. When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!" Then my sister left.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with hate immigrants?

I hate immigrants... If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to spy sleep?

Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.

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Do you know any jokes related to polish bride?

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with girlfriend poop?

My girlfriend has a poop fetish NSFW I always give her shit for it

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I'm in the mood for a joke about carry customs. Do you have any good ones?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, father, no one will question you." When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about gay son?

What does gay mean? asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" the father answered. "Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to headless nick?

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but... I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed. Edit: lol the amount of people who didn't get the joke is unreal. maybe my delivery is bad...

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves tracks blondes?

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!" The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!" The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!" The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about vampire joke with me?

Great Vampire joke I saw on here before. 3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about ironman silver with me?

If Ironman and Silver Surfer teamed up They would be alloys

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves trampoline birthday?

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about wife dentist with me?

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves replied rudolf.

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_ His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_ He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to lovers names?

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to homeless woman?

I asked a pretty homeless woman... I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about steve jobs. Do you have any good ones?

Steve Jobs would have been a much better president than Donald Trump But its a silly comparison really, like comparing apples to oranges.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with shooting jokes?

I'm trying to understand how there can be so many school shooting jokes on Reddit... But I guess everyone's aiming at a younger crowd.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to words grandma that you could tell me?

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around garbage truck?

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck

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Can you think of a joke that centers around true billion?

A guy said to God, "Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves olives mother.

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives... The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to know rules? Do you have one?

Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to beethoven musician?

People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf. He didn't listen though.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about named terry. Do you have any good ones?

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you. You have died from dissin' Terry.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to wife wants?

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home. None

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about did scarecrow?

Why did the scarecrow win employee of the month? He was outstanding in his field

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with sex mother?

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to wife caught. Do you have one?

My wife caught me cross dressing last night. [deleted]

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Would you be willing to share a joke about son soy with me?

Father: Hey son what are you drinking? Son: Soy-milk Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

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I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around boy condoms should do the trick.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” she says. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist.”

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Would you happen to have a joke about redhead blonde that you could tell me?

Three women are about to be executed for crimes... One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

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Do you know any jokes related to forces patriotic?

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic? The Air Force, because its US AF.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to aunt couple?

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied. ​ Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to cheese sandwich?

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign... A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: “Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00” He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender: “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks. “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” “Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to school rugby. Do you have one?

My first school rugby game was a bit like the first time having sex.. I was sore and bloody at the end... But at least my dad came

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around ipad spider should do the trick.

I said to my girlfriend, " Please get me a newspaper. " I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around called jumpolines?

They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to crab cross?

Why the crab cross the road? It didn't, it used the sidewalk.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to suicide killed?

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together... ... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with time travel?

I was going to post a time travel joke But you guys didn't like it.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about blanket moment?

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"  After a moment of silence, he farted.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to mothers vagina?

What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mothers vagina? Your mother's vagina gets some new content every once in a while.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with shots bartender?

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem... He says,"Give me 2 shots..." The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around identical twins should do the trick.

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to elon mosque?

Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars? Elon's Mosque

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to life joke?

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar. Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves karl marx?

Hey girl is your name Karl Marx? Cuz you're starting an uprising in my lower classes

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with clouds linux?

Daddy, what are clouds made of? Linux servers, mostly.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about elephant room. Do you have any good ones?

If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices is it irrelephant?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around stalin laughs should do the trick.

Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke. Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around student debt?

I like my women like I like my student debt Always there and constantly fucking me

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to boy lover?

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to willies mother?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to jack mrs?

"There are three crows sitting on a branch, you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack. "None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot." "The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think." "Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are three ladies sitting on a bench eating a lollipop. The first one licks the lollipop, the second one sucks on it, and the third one bites it. Which one of them is married? The teacher starts blushing and answers: "The one that's sucking on it." "The correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to faith mountains?

I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains. Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves laxatives laughing?

Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time For shits and giggles.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with donald duck?

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... “Donald duck.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to disappear add. Do you have one?

How do you make a one disappear? Add a G and it’s gone. Haha I’m so alone

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves know minneapolis?

We all know where the Big Apple is... But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a good joke that relates to husband lawyer?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he just kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was lick the stamps. God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about girlfriend guantanamo that you could tell me?

What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend? A Guantanamo Bae Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about orion belt. Do you have any good ones?

Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space! Terrible joke. Only three stars.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in need of a good joke. Something that centers around bird afraid should do the trick.

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves snail race?

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to trampoline men?

"This trampoline is for men only." -mysogymnast

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to colored printers. Do you have one?

I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were? I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with fucking secretary?

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in. She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves football fan.

Smart first grader A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to bored memorized?

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves sneezed stalin?

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia... And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed? No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row. 'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Shoot everyone in the second row', so everyone in the second row gets shot. Stalin, getting impatient, asks again: who sneezed? A man in the middle of the crowd slowly raises his hand, and in a whimper of a voice says 'me'. Stalin looks out into the crowd and sees the man with his hand up and says, 'Bless you'

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to labor nurse?

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to dad millionaire?

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around showering alabama?

An Alabama girl sees her mother showering An Alabama girl sees her mother showering. She sees her tits and asks: "Mom, what is that on your chest?" The mother says: "Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!" Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: "What's that between your legs, dad?" The father says: "I can't tell you right now!" The girl asks: "Will I get it when I'm older?" The father replies: "You can get it now if you stay quiet."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves outside abortion?

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes