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i have to WIN

T-Rex: Has my effect on the world been a net positive or a net negative thing? T-Rex: Dudes! I have no idea!! T-Rex: How do you measure positive influence? If I'd invented PEACE then it would be easy. But peace was already totally invented when I was born! Similarly, if I'd invented a machine that only causes pain, then it's easy to see that I'm probably a net drain on the planet. Dromiceiomimus: A device that only causes pain? T-Rex: You know, scissors that only work on soft, soft living flesh or whatever. Utahraptor: Those could be used by doctors! T-Rex: TRUE. And that's why it's so muddled! T-Rex: The guy who invented the Nobel Prize also invented dynamite! Oppenheimer worked on the atomic bomb AND on his relationships! How am I supposed to figure out if I'm net good or bad? Utahraptor: In the end, make sure the love you take is equal to the love you make? T-Rex: Um, Utahraptor! T-Rex (punchline): That puts me back at ZERO

i wanted more MANLY ADVENTURE NARRATIVE and less WEAK ROMANCE WITH ILSA where the breen censorship code at the time forbade depicting a woman leaving her husband for another man anyway! we already know you will stay with your husband, ilsa! can we cut back rapid-fire quips between the captain and rick now please

Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS today's film: CASABLANCA T-Rex: Okay so it's WWII and we're in Casablanca and people here want to go to America but they can't. But check it out: T-Rex: I'm an American named Rick and I have two free tickets to America! Dromiceiomimus: And I am Ilsa, a mysterious woman who had a torrid affair with you in the past, but who then stood you up at a train station! But check THIS out: I was married the whole time we were dating and still totally am! Also, I love you and you'll have to do the thinking for both of us. T-Rex: FINE Utahraptor: I am Captain Renault! I'm a corrupt French official but I'm totally likeable. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: You APPEAR to help the Nazis in the film, but then you let me get away with murdering one at the end so that Ilsa and her weaksauce husband can go to America. The movie should really be about OUR relationship! Utahraptor: Seriously! We're these two great dudes who get all the film's best lines. Why don't we hang out more? God: GUYS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPRESS THE FILM NOT MAKE IT INTO A GAY ROMANCE STORY T-Rex: Too late! We already did! Off panel: "Here's looking at you, kid!" T-Rex: See, why didn't I ever say that to YOU? T-Rex (punchline): This movie needs way more gay

i was gonna have a sex with you but yeah maybe i'll just go to work instead

T-Rex: Alright, world! I'm putting myself out there! Who wants to engage in sexual relations with me?? I am DTF. T-Rex: That's right! T-Rex: I am Down To Find (sexual partners)!! Dromiceiomimus: I mean, if you're serious, I absolutely wil- T-Rex: WAIT! Before you answer you should know that this will only work if we have compatible sexual orientations! Dromiceiomimus: Okay. We do. T-Rex: AND compatible sexual interests! Dromiceiomimus: Okay. I mean, we've done it before, but - maybe I'll just go to work then? Utahraptor: Dude, you just totally blew it! T-Rex: NOT SO FAST! T-Rex: Before we even GET to that level, we should talk about boundaries: what's on and off the table? Utahraptor: What? No, I - Utahraptor: Are we really having this conversation? Because I'll have it. I will straight up discuss sex acts with you, T-Rex. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Hah hah T-Rex (punchline): oh my

also there's a chance you got to panel 6 even though you drink blood from alive bodies while not being a dracula, so that's weird, maybe you wanna stop that

T-Rex: Do you like drinking blood? If yes, turn to panel 3. If no, go to panel 6. T-Rex: (That's the "You are not a Dracula, sorry champ" panel, just a heads up!) Narrator: ARE YOU A DRACULA? A HANDY FLOWCHART TO FIND OUT T-Rex: So you like drinking blood, huh? Interesting, interesting. Well, let me ask you this: do you like drinking blood... FRESH FROM AN ALIVE BODY?? Dromiceiomimus: Yes: panel 4. No: panel 6. T-Rex: Weird. Well, have you also been bitten by a Dracula and turned into a Dracula? Utahraptor: Yes: panel 5. No: panel 6! T-Rex: Hmm well yes, I think you are indeed a Dracula. Utahraptor: You are immortal as long as you don't go out in the sun or get stabbed through the heart with a wooden stake! T-Rex: Don't worry though, that last one's fatal to everyone, so no worries! T-Rex: Welcome to panel 6! The good news is you're not a Dracula. But the bad news is WHAT THE FRIG, I THINK THERE'S SOME DRACULAS HIDING OUT IN PANEL 5!! T-Rex (punchline): AHHHHH, WE CAN NEVER GO BACK

i understand where you're coming from, but i have as yet failed to understand where this fountainous stream of beetles is coming from

T-Rex: You know what's super important? FEELINGS. Especially other people's feelings which are not boring at all. Yes, that is most definitely a fact. We should all be concerned about them. Narrator: HOW TO BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH EVERY CONVERSATION ABOUT FEELINGS T-Rex: Okay! So first off, start every sentence with "I understand where you're coming from" and then say the person's name. That'll get you 80% there! Dromiceiomimus: This is kind of insulting, T-Rex. T-Rex: I understand where you're coming from, Dromiceiomimus, but with respect, you need to let me finish. Dromiceiomimus: Daaang, that WAS pretty good! Utahraptor: Okay, so what if I said I wanted to break up? T-Rex: Are we dating? Utahraptor: For the purposes of this experiment, yes. We are rhetorical sweeties! T-Rex: Okay, well: I understand where you're coming from, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: ...Yes? Utahraptor: Go on! T-Rex: That's it! I understand where you're coming from SO DANG HARD that I think we should break up too!! T-Rex (punchline): Look bro, this fake rhetorical relationship has meant like, nothing to me

suckitup@walkitoff.net is not a valid email address. is that part of the joke? yes, let us go with that, let us all ignore the fact that somebody bought walkitoff.net before i could, what a jerk or jerks he she or they is/are

T-Rex: Folks are always all, "What's the best form of government? DEMOCRACY. I love democracy, a bloo bloo bloo". T-Rex: Walk it off, democracy lovers! T-Rex: Contact me at suckitup@walkitoff.net, democracy lovers! T-Rex: Democracy is OLD HAT. You know what democracy is? Democracy is long-term stuff never getting done, because short-term gains are what get folks re-elected. It had a good run, but now it's time for a more awesome -cracy, one that I just found out about because the Wikipedia random article button brought me to something that wasn't some stats on a crappy river for once. Utahraptor: Ochlocracy? Isocracy? Stratocracy? T-Rex: PORNOCRACY. T-Rex: Rule by prostitutes! And I didn't make it up. The word's been used in historical times to refer to when popes were influenced by women! Utahraptor: That's super sexist! Powerful women aren't necessarily SEX WORKERS. T-Rex: Um, that's history?? Banner: HISTORY: SUPER SEXIST T-Rex: Hello?! This is not a suprising moral! History is also like twenty kinds of racist! T-Rex (punchline): I KINDA THOUGHT THAT WAS THE REASON WE ALL DECIDED NOT TO LIVE THERE??

based on a true story (yesterday i was mind controlled by a smelly enemy)

T-Rex: I have discovered that I have a weakness. Me! And though I should probably keep it a secret from my enemies, I will say what it is. T-Rex: Smell associations! Dromiceiomimus: That's a pretty okay weakness to have, isn't it? T-Rex: Is it? I can be swayed by SMELLS. I loved swimming pools as a child, and now the smell of pool chlorine gives me happy memories of swimming! Dromiceiomimus: So? T-Rex: SO, what if there was an evil politician who smelled like chlorine? I might vote for him, against all better judgement! T-Rex: I can be mind controlled by smelly enemies. I'm a danger to myself and everyone I know! Utahraptor: That's absurd, T-Rex! Utahraptor: You're worried that there'll be a politician, an evil politician, and once you get a whiff of his chlorine scented ways your pupils will change into little cartoon swimming pools and you'll rush to the nearest polling station to vote for him. T-Rex: Yes. This is my concern. Narrator: FUN FACT: THAT'S NOT HOW SMELL ASSOCIATION WORKS AT ALL! T-Rex (punchline): You don' know me!

that last line makes me sad, but also hopeful. i think i'm gonna roll around in this feeling for a while. can you show yourself out?

Narrator: THE UNIVERSE WHERE HOW MUCH MONEY SOMEONE MAKES CORRESPONDS DIRECTLY TO HOW GOOD OF A PERSON THEY ARE: T-Rex: I helped an old lady across the street and suddenly was $5 richer! Dromiceiomimus: I thought about punching a jerk in the head and lost $1 in a storm drain! T-Rex: I guess he wasn't that big of a jerk, huh? Dromiceiomimus: Exactly! If he'd been a bigger jerk then I would've been doing a net good and therefore made money! Utahraptor: Wait, this universe has omniscient knowledge of how good someone is? T-Rex: Dude! Apparently!! Utahraptor: Then why do we have a justice system at all? Just punch someone, check your wallet, and lock 'em up if you're way richer now. T-Rex: But if you punch a good guy you'll go broke! Utahraptor: Then someone else can give you the money you lost, AND make 100% of it back by being so nice to you! T-Rex: What can I say, dude? T-Rex (punchline): Our universe doesn't really make much sense, but it's the only one we've got!!

hah hah, t-rex, looks like your idea was if we could fire lightning out of our eyes then we would always be able to see what we were looking at, ASSUMING it was really conductive outside

T-Rex: I had the greatest idea just before I fell asleep last night! It involved... T-Rex: ...lightning, maybe? T-Rex: Hah hah, looks like I forgot it completely! T-Rex: Hah hah, looks like what could've possibly been THE GREATEST THING EVER TO GRACE THIS PLANET was forgotten by the few pounds of fatty meat I carry around in my skull! Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, looks like it could've also been a terrible idea and you only thought it was great because you were about to become unconscious! T-Rex: Hah hah, looks like we'll never know because we evolved brains that think it's cool to forget things without permission! Utahraptor: Hah hah, looks like it's super weird to assign agency to your own brain! T-Rex: Hah hah! T-Rex: Looks like there are untold millions of ideas and inventions all lost because the conscious mind was preparing to shut down for a bit and couldn't be bothered to save its work. Hah hah, looks like we'll never know what we lost! HAH HAH, LOOKS LIKE HAVING A PHYSICAL BODY IS THE WORST. T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah

LIFE HACK: it's more fun when you say "problem that can only be fixed by time machine" instead of "uncorrectable mistake"

T-Rex: How come none of you guys have described me as an "elite professional" yet? It's really weird! T-Rex: IT'S REALLY WEIRD BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS?? T-Rex: Aren't friends supposed to be honest with each other, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Um... yeah, they are. T-Rex: Oh, I see how it is! You don't really think I'm an elite professional, do you? Dromiceiomimus: I'm... not even sure what it is you do? Utahraptor: T-Rex, you are an elite professional. T-Rex: THANK you! Utahraptor: Now for the rest of eternity we can never say you were first described as an elite professional naturally: you had to ask - beg, really - for it. T-Rex: Wait wait, I take it back!! Forget I asked anything! Describe me that way only if you feel like it! Utahraptor: Too late!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary: today I made another problem that can only be fixed by time machines!! AGAIN. It's like - my special skill? T-Rex (punchline): Still looking for a friend whose special skill is inventing and then giving away time machines, diary.

Norway Atlantic's brother, Chad, took the wheel. "We're driving this boat straight into the White House," he whispered through clenched teeth. The boat sped up to 150 knots. They can too go that fast: you just think they can't because your family doesn't have one. My dad has five of them, but he keeps them in another town. He lets me drive them sometimes. He got them because he works at Nintendo.

T-Rex: I am writing a spy story! It involves a secret agent who likes getting martinis, girls, guns, AND the opportunity to say his own name partially, and then, a second later, more completely! God: T-REX THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR T-Rex: Nuh-uh! T-Rex: That other fella may have a half-century of popularity behind him, but MY spy only meets women with plausible names! For example he gets involved with a lady named "Norway Atlantic" instead of "Lady I. Amasexhaver". Dromiceiomimus: "Norway Atlantic" isn't that plausible a name. T-Rex: Look, if you have a better way to name characters than by looking at a map, I'd LOVE to hear it. Utahraptor: So what's your spy's name? T-Rex: "Angola Maldives". He's so cool! T-Rex: And believe me, he's involved with some very sexy women! It's always the same: at first they're friends, but he wants more. She senses this and tries to let him down easy, but he's so into the idea of her that he's certain her hints actually show interest. Anyway he gets weird and passive aggressive and it screws up the friendship. Off panel: Wow, that's super hot. T-Rex (punchline): I KNOW

c-comrade!

T-Rex: You know what's better than school? Not being in school but still learning! T-Rex: Yes indeed! I have decided to become AUTODIDACTIC. T-Rex: This means that I eschew formal schooling and learn on my own terms at my own pace, Dromiceiomimus! I learn things that interest me and don't rely on someone else to tell me what I should and should not know. Dromiceiomimus: Didn't you graduate years ago? T-Rex: Shhh! Utahraptor: Hey, why are you setting up learning on your own and learning in a classroom as opposites? Utahraptor: It's not like you can't do both! Learning is learning, and some ways work better for some people. T-Rex: Well, I've also incorporated into my autodidacticism a distrust of schools as inefficient, repressive institutions. It's part of my new "damn the man" persona! T-Rex: I can demonstrate, my friend! Ask me where I picked up a word like "autodidacticism"! Off panel: Where'd you pick up a word like "autodidacticism"? T-Rex (punchline): Not from any SCHOOL!

BUT SINCE YOU'RE HERE LET US ASK TWO QUESTIONS: DO YOU THINK NON-REFUSAL IS A PROPER SUBCLASS OF ACCEPTANCE, AND HOW COME YOU SAY "FRIG" SO MUCH

T-Rex: Here's a story! I moved away from my creepy raccoon and cephalopod neighbours, but they moved next door to my new place anyway. The moral of the story is, "You can't run away from your friggin' problems"! T-Rex: Or - or it's "You can run away from your friggin' problems, but they'll follow you!" Dromiceiomimus: If your problems are sentient, anyway. T-Rex: Right. The moral of this story is, "You can run away from your friggin' problems, but if they're sentient, they'll follow you!" Utahraptor: Well, they have to be mobile too! T-Rex: RIGHT. T-Rex: Okay, how about "It may be possible to run away from your problems, but under some circumstances - including but not limited to sentient, mobile friggin' problems - they'll follow you." Utahraptor: Perfect. T-Rex: A compelling moral for our time! Narrator: LATER, IN T-REX'S BATHROOM: Off panel: T-REX, MAYBE THE MORAL IS "WE'RE STILL WAITING TO HAVE OUR CONVERSATION ABOUT THE NATURE OF CONSENT". T-Rex (punchline): ... Off panel: ALSO SOMEBODY'S IN HERE Off panel: DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK

that's not how evolution actually works I KNOW I KNOW, the person you want to talk to is t-rex, not me! i'm just some hidden text that appears once in a while to people "in the know"

T-Rex: Who gets to wake up this morning with nausea, dizziness, and an uncanny ability to feel physically terrible? T-Rex: Oh boy! It's me, T-Rex! T-Rex: Okay, so I am ready to evolve into an energy being now please! Or a machine intelligence! Or a distributed cloud of pure thought! My body has been great up to now but it's time to put away childish things, especially when this PARTICULAR childish thing has become diseased and wants to throw up its stomach contents. T-Rex: ...Seriously ready to evolve any time now over here! Utahraptor: Have you at least taken some medicine? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: Ah, so your first instinct when sick is to claim a desire to evolve beyond the need for mortal bodies, rather than taking even a small step towards treatment. T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: I see. T-Rex: If you're waiting for me to apologize, I won't! Maybe if more of us worked harder on evolving beyond the need for friggin' mortal bodies, WE WOULDN'T STILL HAVE A NEED FOR FRIGGIN' MORTAL BODIES?? T-Rex (punchline): Anyway I'm off, I need to go drop a barf

keep working on that en pointe, t-rex

T-Rex: I bet that I could be an amazing ballet dancer. In fact... yes. Wait. Yes! T-Rex: Yes, I'm certain of it! Dromiceiomimus: Ballet is hard and takes years of training, T-Rex! To suggest that you could barge onstage during Swan Lake and just join in is actually kind of offensive to ballet dancers. T-Rex: Oh, I know! That's not what I meant. I meant, "I bet that, HAD I SPENT YEARS TRAINING, I could be an amazing ballet dancer". Dromiceiomimus: Ah. Utahraptor: But it takes more than training! T-Rex: Oh, of course! T-Rex: My true meaning was, "I bet that, had I the body type, circumstances, inclination, talent AND training, I could be an amazing ballet dancer." Utahraptor: Ah. Well. I guess that would indeed be the case. T-Rex: Yep! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A BALLET DANCER! T-Rex (punchline): Well, *I* bet that I could be an amazing - um, guy who walks around and talks shit up?

...ouch for me

T-Rex: How much would it cost to buy the sun, God? God: I DO NOT BELIEVE IT'S FOR SALE DUDE T-Rex: Seriously though. God: UMMMM 80 TRILLION DOLLARS T-Rex: That's not that much! God: WAIT I DIDN'T SPECIFY WHICH NATION'S DOLLARS T-Rex: T-Rex Awesomebux? I've got lots of those! God: NO I THINK IT'LL BE GODBUX AND THE EXCHANGE RATE FOR GODBUX DOLLARS IS INFINITY TO ONE T-Rex: Come on man!! I don't want this to be a weird thing! I just want to OWN the SUN. Utahraptor: Wow. There's something diabolical about that! T-Rex: Diabolically awesome? Utahraptor: No. No - it's the regular kind I think. Well, anyway! Good thing you're poor enough that not all of your ambitions can be realized!! T-Rex: Heh! I guess so! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! T-Rex (punchline): ...Awwww.

they just sort of hang there

T-Rex: Maybe I'll dress up for Hallowe'en as a Utahraptor! T-Rex: That's a great idea! T-Rex: Then I'll be able to walk up to his friends and insult them! T-Rex: They'll think it's he who is the one who is insulting them! T-Rex: I could wear this costume ALL THE TIME. T-Rex: Then it's decided! I will be a Utahraptor for Hallowe'en! Utahraptor: WHAT?! Utahraptor: First off, dressing up as a member of a RACE for Hallowe'en is insanely racist. Second of all, you don't have the skill necessary to pull it off! T-Rex: I'll show you! Utahraptor: Oh yeah? Well if you're going as a Utahraptor, then I'm going as a T-Rex! Narrator: HALLOWE'EN: Narrator: [with an arrow pointing at T-Rex] (actually the Utahraptor) T-Rex: Trick or treat, or I'll stomp on your house! Off panel: Ooh! What a scary costume! T-Rex: Thank you ma'am! I stayed up all night working on it! T-Rex (punchline): [small] The vestigial arms are made of paper mache!

rejected names for the evil dog: Arthur C. Barke, Bram Stoker's Barkula, Rex Luthor

T-Rex: You know what's popular? Rebooting old media franchises for today's hip, young, 3D generation! And you know who can do popular things better? I'll give you a hint, it was also an edition of Microsoft Windows. T-Rex: ME T-Rex: So here's the pitch: LASSIE - the dog everyone remembers, great at solving problems AND warning folks that Timmy fell down the well! Only this time around, Timmy didn't fall down the well: he was PUSHED. Dromiceiomimus: *gasp* T-Rex: And the party responsible? An evil dog who, instead of always saving people, is CONSTANTLY putting them into peril: CORPORAL SNUGGS. Utahraptor: A Joker to Lassie's Batman! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: He focuses Lassie, giving her drive in her endless war against chaos. Plus, he's a Pomeranian who wears a cape. OH MY GOD. It's SO ADORABLE when Snuggs puts his paw on the launch button. Can Lassie stop the nukes in time? Yeah probably but we should all watch to make sure! Utahraptor: I - I would actually watch this. Narrator: LATER: SOMEBODY ELSE OWNS THE RIGHTS TO LASSIE T-Rex: I have therefore renamed "Timmy" to "Jimmy Olsen" and "Lassie" to "Clark Kent"! Narrator: LATER: SOMEBODY ELSE OWNS THE RIGHTS TO JIMMY OLSEN AND CLARK KENT T-Rex (punchline): That was fast

i didn't look up the nutritional value of fire and went entirely on my own intuition (i call it, "nutrituition"); this is me LIVING ON THE EDGE

T-Rex: Looks like it's time for some... T-Rex: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS T-Rex: Many poisons don't taste like anything, so hey! Keep that in mind when eating! T-Rex: Also, try not to eat fire! Your digestive system is ill-equipped to deal with it and it has extremely low nutritional value. Dromiceiomimus: Any non-eating PSAs? T-Rex: Ladies! Are you a mammal? I read this thing that says a bunch of mammals wear bras that don't fit properly. Maybe look into that, huh? Utahraptor: I gotta say, I'm not feeling especially public serviced! T-Rex: I've got some just for you! T-Rex: Utahraptors! Many of you have large toenails. There may be special shoes you can buy; check into that and let me know. Utahraptor: That's not a PSA! That's you asking me to do your research. T-Rex: Utahraptors! Did you know: SACRIFICE IS A PART OF FRIENDSHIP?? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex (punchline): It's a good thing nobody remembers THAT LITTLE DETAIL when they first decide to become pals!

RYAN'S DEEP THOUGHTS: BOY THINGS SURE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF NOBODY DIED

T-Rex: So, throughout time, people have spent their youth learning, and the time after that applying what they've learned. Not a bad system! T-Rex: ... For a first try! T-Rex: The problem is that we're spending longer and longer studying. If you do a PhD, you could be 30 years old when you graduate! And since there's so much to know about the world, people are forced to specialize. Even at 30, there just isn't enough time to learn it all! Utahraptor: It's a necessary tradeoff! Millions of people specialize and make tiny contributions to knowledge. T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: But what if it didn't have to be that way? If we lived forever, we could learn so much! We could make connections between completely unrelated fields. Utahraptor: This is true, but the older generation would always remain! If they became stuck in their ways, they might inhibit progress instead of helping. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE NOBODY EVER DIES: T-Rex: Sure, borrow my four-seater rocket car whenever you want! Off panel: Thanks man! T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! I'm totally glad I invented it.

if you havin' life problems i feel really quite bad for you son, i got 99 problems and a new cyborg limb solved each one

T-Rex: Some folks use computers that are 10 years out of date. A few folks use 20-year-old computers from history times. But computers 50 years out of date are barely used at all! T-Rex: They're in museums for you to look at when you're bored!! Dromiceiomimus: So? Technology advances quickly, T-Rex! New computers can do all sorts of things old ones can't! T-Rex: I know, and that's why I'm so excited for cyborg bodies!! When they advance as quickly as computers do - AND THEY WILL - it'll be INTENSE. Imagine how awesome robot bodies will get! And they'll have CENTURIES to develop! Utahraptor: Dude, "cyborg" and "robot" are different things! You conflated them there!! T-Rex: OH NO! T-Rex: IF ONLY MY BRAIN COULD BE ENHANCED WITH A CHIP THAT KEEPS NEAR SYNONYMS SEPARATE SO THAT I NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: I AM ACTUALLY SERIOUS T-Rex: ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE IS TO FIX ALL MY PROBLEMS BY ADDING MORE LASER SIGHTS AND ROBOT LIMBS TO MY BODY T-Rex: WHOAH! T-Rex (punchline): I'M SUDDENLY EXTREMELY AWARE THAT THAT'S THE MOST TRUE SENTENCE I'M EVER LIKELY TO SAY

i don't know what morris is on about; that story's awesome

T-Rex: I was going to write a science fiction story, but then I stopped. I realized I don't know what science fiction, as a genre, means! T-Rex: Seriously! I had some DOUBTS. T-Rex: If I was writing a western I could go on and on about order versus freedom, civilization versus the wilderness, the hero as a man stuck between these two worlds, and so on! But what's science fiction about? Is it just literature with space ships and robots and casually inverted flux variance? Aliens stopped being parallels for The Other long ago, didn't they? Utahraptor: Why are you worried about this, T-Rex? It's just a genre label! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: So - it's something that's applied to your work after it's completed. Unless you want to write specifically to a generic form, you don't have to worry about it! T-Rex: My other problem is I don't have a plotline either. Utahraptor: Man! Why not write a story about a cat then. You like cats. Narrator: T-REX READS HIS STORY, CALLED "FUTURE T-REX AND THE CAT", TO MORRIS: T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a cat. He was obese. T-Rex (punchline): I saw him on the bus! Off panel: [tiny] booooooo

it's just too good of an ending not to share

T-Rex: Back to my amazing story, "Tuggy the Tugboat Tugs... In Space!" It's about a NON-ANTHROPOMORPHIZED tugboat who tugs, in space. His windshield does not double as eyes. Tugboats are not like that. T-Rex: In any case, one day a killer asteroid is discovered headed straight for Earth! T-Rex: Tuggy's our only chance - our last, best hope for survival. All of our tomorrows ride on the non-anthropomorphic shoulders of one Tuggy T. Tugboat, in space! Will he be able to do it? Will he be able to save us all and become our greatest hero? Dromiceiomimus: I don't get why you keep insisting Tuggy isn't anthropomorphized, but you give him volition. Is he a robot tugboat or something? T-Rex: He's just a regular tugboat, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: So what's he doing in space? T-Rex: Character development! Utahraptor: No, I mean, how does a tugboat end up in orbit? Your readers will want to know this! How does he move? Are his compartments pressurized? T-Rex: Look at you, Mr. "I can't suspend my disbelief for a SPACE TUGBOAT named 'Tuggy'"! He moves by pushing against the aether, okay? Off panel: Well look at YOU, Mr. "I write a book about a tugboat that employs superseded scientific theories for locomotion"! T-Rex: Yes! Look at me! at me and buy my story and find out if Tuggy saves us all! T-Rex (punchline): [small] the answer is yes

just checking in, you know?

T-Rex: Hmm... maybe social relationships would be much easier if everyone said exactly what they were thinking! T-Rex: This gives me an idea! My idea is what I was just talking about! T-Rex: Hello, Dromiceiomimus, and am I glad to see YOU! Today I've decided to heck with being polite, and I'm saying whatever's on my mind, and you get to be the first person to talk to me! Dromiceiomimus: Oh boy! You've justified being uncouth! Who cares about the past 1000 years of evolving social graces? T-Rex: Sarcasm! Utahraptor: I think she's got a point, T-Rex! T-Rex: You know, I figured you would! Utahraptor: Too often we support something just because it's new, and forget that if an idea or process been around for a long time, that's usually - but not always, granted - because it has something to offer. T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well, I think that maybe YOUR MOM has something to offer! T-Rex: How is she, by the way? Off panel: Fine! T-Rex (punchline): That's cool!

frisbee dude's name was "Steady Ed Headrick" and he had some pretty good ideas

T-Rex: So there was this guy who loved frisbees! He played frisbee all the time. He was big into frisbees, you guys. T-Rex: And then he died, and he had his body molded into memorial frisbees! For his pals! T-Rex: THIS IS AMAZING. I need to get big into something so that if I'm ever done with my body, I can turn it into a thing for my friends! I guess... I guess I kinda like computers? Dromiceiomimus: There is no way I'm using a flesh computer made from your earthly remains. T-Rex: Wow. T-Rex: ...Really? Utahraptor: They were his CREMATED remains that were made into frisbees! T-Rex: OHHHHH! That makes more sense. T-Rex: I was picturing, you know, a fleshy eldritch horror, flying in the air. Utahraptor: No, T-Rex. This is a tasteful thing for you to do after you die. T-Rex: Man, "tasteful" is MOS DEF not on my list of "Five Adjectives or Adjective Phrases That Get Applied To Things I Do"! T-Rex: That list is "stellar", "rad", "peerless", "prodigal", and "done in such a way that it ruins me for other men", in case you were wondering! Off panel: I wasn't! T-Rex: "I wasn't anymore!", you mean! T-Rex (punchline): ...Because when it comes to T-Rex facts, I've TOTALLY got your back?

i am so new to the world

T-Rex: You know how vanilla extract smells really good, but tastes really gross when you drink it? T-Rex: I think this is very symbolic for... something! T-Rex: Maybe it's symbolic for love? Great in moderation, but you can ruin it by taking too much (i.e., smothering the person with affection)? Dromiceiomimus: It's a little forced! How about symbolic for our generation's sexual politics, in ways I think are pretty clear? T-Rex: It's a possibility, I guess! Hmmm... Utahraptor: Are we seriously trying to come up with things that vanilla extract is symbolic for? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Okay - why vanilla extract? T-Rex: I don't know. Vanilla extract! Not many people talk about it, so I thought... I thought I'd be the first? Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: [small] t-rex, i am a talking bottle of vanilla extract T-Rex (punchline): That's a little weird, but okay! Off panel: [small] can you tell people about me though

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, T-REX. YOU JUST TOLD AN AUDIENCE OF THOUSANDS HOW TO PERSONALLY BENEFIT FROM THE DESTRUCTION OF THE UNIVERSE

T-Rex: Man, I shouldn't be down about not YET being immortal. There's all sorts of different forms of immortality! Immortality through art, through deed... T-Rex: ...through ensuring that if I don't live forever, then forever lasts only as long as I do... Dromiceiomimus: What?! What was that last one again, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh! Just idly speculating that if you define immortality as "living for as long as it's possible to live", then if I were somehow responsible for the complete destruction of the universe, I'd EFFECTIVELY be immortal. I'd have lived for as long as it was possible to, until the UNIVERSE ITSELF was lost! T-Rex: ...You know? Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's supervillain logic! T-Rex: I know!! It just sort of - happened! T-Rex: I awoke this morning - my birthday - and found I'd discovered how to personally benefit from the end of all things. What do you do after that? Utahraptor: Just because you'll benefit from something doesn't mean you should do it! T-Rex: Okay but T-Rex: What if it does though God: T-REX IF YOU DESTROY THE UNIVERSE I'M GOING TO BE SUPER CHEEZED T-Rex (punchline): With a Z? God: WELL HONESTLY I'D BE SO MAD I'M NOT SURE IF I'D TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE IT DOWN

feelings have occasional uses, kissing has many more though

T-Rex: "That" is an amazing word in the English language! It may be an amazing word in other languages too, but it is DEFINITELY an amazing word in English. T-Rex: It's one of the few words that you can use as often as you want, and still be grammatical! T-Rex: FOR EXAMPLE: I could say "That is a rad word", referring to, perhaps, the word 'syzygy'. But then I could ALSO say "That 'that' is a rad word!", referring to the 'that' in my previous sentence! Then I could go on to say that "That 'That "that"' is a rad phrase", and so on, to INFINITY. Utahraptor: And you call that grammatical. T-Rex: It is. Technically! Utahraptor: Man, you know what I call it? T-Rex: "You are a good friend, T-Rex, and I'm really sorry if I'm too critical sometimes"? Utahraptor: ... Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Yes indeed! T-Rex (punchline): I won that argument through FEELINGS

t-rex possesses the happy ability to imagine the past in graphical chat log format. graphical chat log format featuring little alien yorps. i am honestly a bit jealous.

T-Rex: Deinococcus radiodurans is one of the most radiation resistant bacterium ever! It can ALSO survive dehydration, exposure to vacuum, and acid being thrown in its face. T-Rex: It is the T-Rex of the animal world!! T-Rex: You give this guy enough radiation to kill a dinosaur, and it survives. Then you give it 500 times that dose, and it still shrugs it off! Dudes are friggin' NIGH-INVINCIBLE against radiation. Just like, or so I suspect, myself! Dromiceiomimus: That's pretty amazing! T-Rex: Yep! It pulls this off by protecting its repair enzymes from radiation damage, AND by keeping multiple known-good copies of its DNA! Utahraptor: But there's no place on Earth that even comes CLOSE to having such high radiation levels! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Why would bacteria evolve such effective protection against an entirely nonexistent threat? Utahraptor: That's what I'm saying. T-Rex: Unless, of course, the threat actually exists... T-Rex (punchline): ...or should I say - ACTUALLY EXISTED?? Narrator: T-REX'S THEORY: [T-Rex imagines a chat log] Yorp: pew pew Deinococcus radiodurans: man, keep shooting me and i'm just gonna evolve defense against lazer beams! Yorp: pew pew Deinococcus radiodurans: FINE Deinococcus radiodurans: ps it's millions of years ago right now

you know how sometimes you have an idea for a pun and you just run with it against everyone else's good advice? THIS IS ONE SUCH A TIME MY PRETTIES. this comic originally ran july 24th, 2006!

T-Rex: I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious. T-Rex: Hooray for punch! Dromiceiomimus: Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? T-Rex: QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. Dromiceiomimus: Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand! T-Rex: Oh God yes. Narrator: AT THE PARTY: T-Rex: Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. Utahraptor: Okay, T-Rex! Utahraptor: All you're doing is talking about delicious punch! Why not just go get some? T-Rex: Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go and get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! Utahraptor: Okay then! Narrator: SOON! T-Rex: Is this the punch line? Off panel: This is the line for the bathroom! T-Rex (punchline): So - you're saying there IS no punch line?

guys i'm totally gendered

T-Rex: Hey! Hey Utahraptor! Do - do you think that some guys go to liquor stores to pick up chicks because they know everyone there is over 18? T-Rex: Or at least - T-Rex: - willing to pretend? Dromiceiomimus: Hah! Aw! That's terrible, T-Rex! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, what are YOU doing here? I thought it was Just The Guys! Dromiceiomimus: It seems that, once again, I have become privy to guy talk due to conversational negligence!! T-Rex: Disaster! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: So personally, Dromiceiomimus, I feel that - Utahraptor: Hey, where is she? T-Rex: Whoah, Utahraptor! I thought that DROMICEIOMIMUS was behind me! Utahraptor: Nope! Just me, your male friend Utahraptor! Were you about to have a conversation about feelings? T-Rex: NO. NO I WASN'T. Banner: "SOME PEOPLE TREAT THEIR GENDERED FRIENDS DIFFERENTLY" T-Rex (punchline): Incidentally, I don't have any friends who aren't gendered! Banner: OKAY

i was going to make that be "years later" instead of an imagined future, with the escape hatch that t-rex and utahraptor could just be doing a play years later! but then i thought, wait, wait, that could be the most unsatisfying plot twist ever in time

T-Rex: Hello, T-Rex speaking on my T-Rex Speakerphone! Who may I say is calling? Off panel: Mr Butts, first name "Ohnomysmelly" T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: This is a... PRANK PHONE CALL! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I got prank phone called! Me! I used to make prank phone calls but now I receive them! The tables have turned, metaphorically! I don't know how I can make this more clear! Dromiceiomimus: You don't need to, I get it! T-Rex: The prank giver (usually me) has become the prank receiver (me again)!! Utahraptor: You've never been prank phone called before? T-Rex: No! And this was such a sucky one! T-Rex: Now, YEARS LATER, when we're all sitting around and reminiscing about the first prank calls we ever got, I'M gonna be the one who gets all quiet and sad. Frig. Utahraptor: Man, when are we gonna do that? T-Rex: Um, DURING OUR SUNSET YEARS?? Narrator: T-REX'S IMAGINED FUTURE: Off panel: We're old and have exhausted all the interesting things to talk about. All that's left is prank phone call memories! T-Rex: Incidentally, my body is REMARKABLY well preserved, I gotta say. T-Rex (punchline): What's my friggin' secret?

tell my family i love them... movies. yes, tell my family that i just can't get enough of them movies

T-Rex: Sherlock Holmes, the out-of-copyright detective, was working on a case but he solved it way fast. "Thanks for the assist!" he said, addressing his comments to... T-Rex: THE INVISIBLE MAN?? T-Rex: That dude was also out of copyright! Sherlock and his pal, "Mr. Invis Ablemann" had just teamed up with Dr. Jekyll and also the dude from The Time Machine. Together they fight crimes... in different times!! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex this is like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! This has been- T-Rex: Maaaaan don't tell me it's been done before! Utahraptor: Sorry dude, but it has! T-Rex: DARN IT. T-Rex: Guess I need to search the internet before doing ANYTHING, huh, just in case it's been done before? Better look up every sentence I ever say, just in case I'm ripping someone off? Utahraptor: There was a movie. T-Rex: GUESS I NEED TO WATCH EVERY MOVIE EVER TOO THEN. T-Rex: Huh! T-Rex (punchline): That sounds like a real nice way to go, actually

my life is a whispered apology

T-Rex: So! T-Rex: Time to discuss my lovemaking technique! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah whoah whoah - T-Rex! Nobody wants to hear about your lovemaking 'technique'! T-Rex: Okay, how about my lovemaking strategy? Dromiceiomimus: No! Good gosh, this talk belongs in the bedroom, IF ANYWHERE. Utahraptor: Wow, you sure got shot down there, my friend! T-Rex: I don't get it! T-Rex: I wasn't going to BRAG! My lovemaking technique consists of a series of awkward fumbles and whispered apologies. Utahraptor: Whoah! T-Rex: [small] I whisper apologies over and over while maintaining unbroken eye contact Utahraptor: Holy shit! T-Rex: Hah! Just kidding! T-Rex (punchline): I guess this is how rumours get started, huh?

THIS COMIC IS DEDICATED TO JOHN COMPUTERS: The Man Who Loved Computers So Much That He Invented Them

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO PRODUCE YOUR OWN VIDEO GAME T-Rex: YEP! Then I found out it's really hard to make an imaginary horse jump inside a computer!! T-Rex: Thanks, John Computers! Way to invent machines that don't even do what I want them to!! T-Rex: There's all these programming languages but there's not one - NOT ONE - that lets you type in "U r a horse and u can shoot bullets from the eyes. NOT A DREAM. There r bad guys 2 shoot and u can get powerups that make you shoot cannonballs from the hoofs" and then a game comes out! T-Rex: It's like - did we get bored half-way through inventing programming languages?? Why isn't this DONE yet?? Utahraptor: Well, come on, you'd need more description than that! T-Rex: NOT A PROBLEM. T-Rex: "Enemies are like what if you mashed Sonic and Mario together. But the bosses r giant and u shoot them even tho u r small (like in religion??)". Utahraptor: I don't - T-Rex: GAME PLEASE. Devil: T-REX I WAS ASKING BECAUSE I NEED A PARTNER FOR MY COMPUTER GAME PROJECT T-Rex: Well, what's it like? Devil: I CALL IT "PRESS X TO EAT A BIG PIE" T-Rex (punchline): ...I'm listening...

that last panel takes place in a museum where t-rex is either a photograph, sculpture, or hologram. let's say hologram. that's the most futuretastically futurelicious of our options.

T-Rex: Today I wrote 500 words of my fanfiction epic, "Doc Brownhay And Marty McHorse". The premise is, what if Marty was a McHorse? T-Rex: I KNOW; IT'S GREAT. T-Rex: But in that time I visited websites and looked at related videos and searched for things that interest me, and MAN, I realized I probably caused more information to come into the world by doing that than by writing: what videos I watched, what I searched for - the works! All this is information I caused to be created! Utahraptor: And more information's being tracked and recorded every day! T-Rex: Exactly my point! T-Rex (punchline): It's not hard to imagine a future where more recorded information exists ABOUT me than information I ever personally produced. You may not know what I cared about, who I loved, or the things I believed to be true, but by God, you'll know my ad click behavior patterns and what my IP address was searching for. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE! Off panel: Wow, says here that according to his search logs and ad engagement thresholds, this dude was big into socks for a couple days there. I wonder if he needed to buy new socks. Off panel: Yes indeed, history sure is mysterious

if there was a superhero with a time-reversing ray then i guess you could call him Time-Reversing Ray

T-Rex: What a lovely day for a walk! I enjoy crisp fall air AND the changing colour of the leaves. T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen: I am down with fall! God: I'M DOWN WITH FALL TOO T-REX T-Rex: Okay! Because if you're down with fall then you're down with me. Dromiceiomimus: I'm also down with fall, T-Rex! T-Rex: Excellent! Then we're ALL down with fall. Utahraptor: I, as well, am down with fall! T-Rex: Excellent. T-Rex: Then I guess - I guess to summarize here, we're all in favour of fall. We're all "down" with it. Utahraptor: Yes. T-Rex: Good! Good. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S ACTUALLY STUFF HAPPENING: T-Rex: Utahraptor! Can I borrow your time-reversing ray real quick? Off panel: What for? T-Rex (punchline): Dude! I wanna aim it at the left half of my face and cause problems!!

for those of you keeping track at home, now both utahraptor and t-rex have proposed a lolita prequel. WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

T-Rex: FINE. So my explosion-themed remakes don't sell because everyone's big into sequels now. But I can roll with the times! *ahem* T-Rex: If you liked "Where The Wild Things Are", you'll love my new sequel, "Where The Wild Things Were"! God: PREQUELS ARE IN NOW T-Rex: Well you'll LOVE my prequel "Where The Wild Things Are Going To Be"! T-Rex: My market research ALSO suggests y'all gonna be big into "The Approaching-Great Gatsby", "The Middle-Aged Man And The Sea", "Moderate Expectations", "Littler Women (They're Getting Bigger Though)", and "Quiet Down Back There! Soon We'll Be On The Road". Dromiceiomimus: I'm sensing a formula in your books. T-Rex: I'M sensing excitement in the marketplace for this bold and innovative new series!! Utahraptor: You're not the only one who can write prequels! I'll make millions with "1983"! T-Rex: Bah! T-Rex: Like that'll outsell MY "Medical Student Jekyll" or "The Catcher In The Empty Field That Has Just Been Planted With Rye". Utahraptor: AS IF anyone would read that when they can read MY "A Tale Of Two Small Villages" and "The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn, Precocious Toddler"!! Off panel: And you'll never beat "The Puppy of the Baskervilles"! T-Rex (punchline): Easy, with MY Kafkaesque "The Pre-Trial Conference"! Off panel: Which will in turn be defeated by MY Nabokovtastic "Newborn Baby Lolita"!! Off panel: ... T-Rex and off panel: YEP, LET'S NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN

Why Not Imagine Sex And Accept My Political Beliefs At The Same Time? You Can Do Both.

T-Rex: "We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology." Ahem. Amelia and Antonio Tony stood in the bedroom. They were going to have sex! This is how things looked like they were going to me, the omniscient third-person narrator: sexy times ahoy. T-Rex: 'We need leaders who actually understand technology,' muttered Amelia! T-Rex: Antonio Tony nodded curtly, taking off his pants. It was so obvious. Amelia locked eyes with Antonio, paused, and took off her shirt. Antonio smiled appreciatively. 'There are so many bad laws passed through a misunderstanding of how computers actually work,' he thought. Amelia's breasts were pretty great. Antonio was hot too but THIS omniscient third-person narrator is into the ladies. Utahraptor: Writing more erotica, I see! T-Rex: This one's new! It's POLITICALLY CHARGED. T-Rex: "Soon Antonio and Amelia had sex and it was great. They decided they had a pretty good time. Suddenly, you find yourself agreeing... We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology!" Utahraptor: It's written in the second person? T-Rex: In parts. Isn't it great? T-Rex (punchline): The book's slogan is, "Think Like Me, While You're Imagining Sex."

he gets a little goth at the end there

T-Rex: I've entered a poetry contest! T-Rex: I can't lose! T-Rex: Right, Dromiceiomimus? I'm a good poet, right? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! Although I've not heard much of your poetry! T-Rex: I can assure you that my poetry is great, Unlike our current department of state! Utahraptor: Your poetry sounds a little political, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's how I express myself! Utahraptor: But is this poetry contest for political poems or for, you know, poems about the sky and how magical it is to wake up in the morning? T-Rex: I can do both! Observe: T-Rex: I like the flowers and the sky, They light up my spirit and let it fly, They keep my happiness in high supply, T-Rex: Unlike our current political leadership! T-Rex (punchline): The End, by T-Rex, ps: my soul is chaos!

i accidentally wrote 'SIRE, you have made an unforgettable choice' and was seriously tempted to leave it. that would be one impressed optometrist clerk!

T-Rex: I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles! T-Rex: (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!) T-Rex: The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh, you're looking for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses." Dromiceiomimus: Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know? Narrator: SHORTLY THEREAFTER. T-Rex: Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right! Utahraptor: She usually is! T-Rex: I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness! Utahraptor: You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit? Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER: T-Rex: I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New Year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other. Off panel: Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice. T-Rex (punchline): I like you too, optometrist clerk!

corpses have cadaverine and putricene in them that make them smell bad. maybe poops are full of pooptonium? HELLO SCIENTISTS AN INTERNET CARTOONIST HAS SOME QUESTIONS HERE

T-Rex: Attention, scientists! Is there a SCIENTIFIC reason why poops are so gross? T-Rex: Because poops are provably so gross!! T-Rex: At first I thought maybe they're gross because they're waste, but not all waste is gross. Rabbit poops are cute little pellets that don't really smell. But cow poops are giant puddles of sorrow! Sometimes they're crusty with sun-heated puddles of sorrow inside. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex! Gross!! T-Rex: I know! Scientists need to look into this!! Utahraptor: Maybe we think they're gross because they're bad to eat? T-Rex: I do try to eat MOST things. T-Rex: But if the body uses taste and smell to let us know instinctually what's good to eat, is that 100%? Or are there poisons that taste SO GOOD that you go to your grave saying "Dudes. That taste: TOTALLY WORTH IT."? Utahraptor: I have no idea. T-Rex: Neither do I! I'm talking out of my ass here! T-Rex: Oh my gosh I'm SO SORRY, I did not realize how gross that expression was until I said it. T-Rex: After I said it, I imagined it. Then - T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Then, like you, I felt the regrets

listen, ouch

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX IT'S THE DEVIL GUESS WHERE I WENT DOWN TO LAST WEEK T-Rex: Man! Georgia? Devil: WHAT Devil: CORRECT Clock: 10 AM Narrator: T-REX'S BUSY DAY God: HEY T-REX GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT T-Rex: Um - you caught up on your reading, focusing mainly on periodicals? God: T-REX DID YOU FORGET THAT I AM GOD AND THAT READING OLD MAGAZINES IS SOMETHING ONLY NON-GODS DO God: BECAUSE IF SO THERE WILL BE VERY FEW RAISED EYEBROWS WHEN I ANSWER YES TO YOUR QUESTION Clock: 1:30 PM T-Rex: Guess what I just ate, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Um - T-Rex: ALL THE CHEERIOS Clock: 3 PM T-Rex: So in conclusion that's TOTALLY how I ate all the Cheerios! Utahraptor: Wow, I can really see why you'd want to talk about this for over an hour! T-Rex: Was that sarcastic? Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you over ALL THE CHEERIOS I ATE, UTAHRAPTOR. Clock: 4:05 PM Clock: 9:30 PM T-Rex: Utahraptor, hi! It's me, T-Rex! On speakerphone!! T-Rex (punchline): Listen, my tummy hurts

to be fair, Batman kiiiinda has ONE big regret (involving movies and his parents), but it's nothing he was responsible for. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, BATMAN. HONEST

T-Rex: Let's talk about our regrets! T-Rex: Hah hah, wait wait, nevermind. T-Rex: Let's forget our regrets forever!! T-Rex: HEY, HERE'S AN IDEA: let's spend our lives believing we always said the right things, kissed the right people and made every single choice correctly. Doesn't that sound nicer? Like, way nicer to the ultimate max? T-Rex: Pretty sure that sounds way nicer to the ultimate max, everyone. Utahraptor: But regrets make us who we are! T-Rex: Hah! Good one! Utahraptor: I'm serious: remove your mistakes and what's left? An overconfident person who never REALLY does anything wrong, and even when he makes mistakes he still has everything work out every single time! T-Rex: Yeah, it sure would suck to be James Bond and Superman and Batman ALL AT ONCE. God: HEY WHY AREN'T I ON YOUR LIST OF PERFECT BEINGS T-Rex (punchline): Um, SUPERMAN'S punched a criminal so hard they flew up into the sky and landed in jail?? God: MAN GIMME FIVE SECONDS God: HAHA THAT WAS ONE SURPRISED CRIMINAL God: WOW

he's hugging a steak there in the last panel. it's right up to his chest. right on!

Narrator: the dinosaur comic players answer: Narrator: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES T-Rex: Wow, three wishes! T-Rex: Nothing wrong with that! Dromiceiomimus: I think I'd wish that everyone would be happy forever! T-Rex: But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy". Dromiceiomimus: I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex. Utahraptor: What would you do with your wishes? T-Rex: You know what? T-Rex: I think I'd just hold on to them. I'd like to go through life with that special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved. Utahraptor: Wow! That's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something! T-Rex: Aw, MAN! Best wish ever? [T-Rex imagines a dialog] Off thought balloon: t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad. Imaginary T-Rex (punchline): [holding a steak] not allowed, ladies!!

DID YOU KNOW? dinosaur comics' true function is as a stealth "here are the times my hot water heater broke" calendar log

T-Rex: Ohhhh, my hot water heater's out again and I don't know what to say! T-Rex: I've been taking cold showers almost every day! T-Rex: And though I know that entropy makes everything decay / It's kinda left the shower-based aspects of my life in disarray! Dromiceiomimus: Based on a true story? T-Rex: Inspired by true events, yes!! Utahraptor: Didn't you write a song the last time your hot water heater broke? T-Rex: Sure did! T-Rex: I'm not much of a "songsmithery" but I guess I know my muse! It's, um, cold showers. Utahraptor: Do you think there's a market for those songs? T-Rex: As long as folks with hot water want to be reminded of when that goes away, I'll be there to sing about that circumstance! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I stopped singing my hot water heater songs! No real reason, though. T-Rex (punchline): I guess I just forgot that as soon as my hot water heater gets fixed, I instantly stop caring about hot water heaters forever

WHY DO PEOPLE WONDER WHAT THEIR PURPOSE IN LIFE IS WHEN THIS ANSWER SUGGESTS ITSELF SO READILY

T-Rex: I have some bad news, everyone. I hope everyone is sitting down, because everyone is going to hear my bad news in like two seconds. T-Rex: We are almost certainly not living up to our potential! T-Rex: I know, it sucks! T-Rex: But here's the thing: even if you're super talented AND super successful, for every thing you do there's almost infinite things you could've done instead. How can you say whatever you're doing is the one thing you'd be best at? Dromiceiomimus: You're talking career-wise? T-Rex: Everything-wise! I could be a great politician, but if I'd been a doctor maybe I'd've been even better! Utahraptor: We can't know what might've been, T-Rex. It's impossible! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But we CAN make an educated guess, and with so many choices that could've gone differently, the odds that anyone's doing the ONE thing they'd be best at are vanishingly small. Utahraptor: I suppose we can only do what makes us happy. T-Rex: Happiness doesn't equal greatness, but sure, whatever! T-Rex: It's not all bad, though! All these choices suggest that in an alternate universe somewhere, each of us is TOTALLY KICKING BUTT. T-Rex: Hence my new emergency fallback epitaph! T-Rex (punchline): "I - I guess he was just here to make the alternate universes look good?"

everyone who emailed me yesterday saying "thanks, i thought it was monday but your comic reminded me it was tuesday!", now i must tell you: comics are sometimes FULL OF LIES

Narrator: LATER THAT SAME DAY: T-Rex: No way! There's no way. "T-Rex" is a great name and IF I were to change it, it would be to "T-Tex", and ONLY if I had a guarantee of oversized cowboy hats. Off panel: Come on! Off panel: I think you'd make a great "Shortpants". T-Rex: Utahraptor, the very mention of the name has filled me with UNSTOPPABLE RAGE! I get that you're trying to revenge yourself on me for filling out your Utahraptore name change forms, but the difference was THAT name is awesome. Shortpants is what you call a dog that - that acts like a squirrel or something. And I'VE - Utahraptor? T-Rex: Where'd he go? Utahraptor: I'm right here! T-Rex: Whatever!! Utahraptor: Please just sign the name change forms, PLEASE? I'd love to call you Shortpants. "How was your day, Shortpants?" "Stop eating all the ice cream, Shortpants!" T-Rex: No. T-Tex or nothing. Utahraptor: Well frig, Shortpants, I guess I'VE wasted a Monday afternoon! T-Rex: ARGH! T-Rex (punchline): It's TUESDAY

mr. tusks!! that's not how evolution works!

Narrator: ISLAND DWARFISM COMICS T-Rex: Island dwarfism is BASICALLY the best form of evolution ever. T-Rex: It's SO CUTE! T-Rex: Basically, the idea is that if a species gets to an island and is then isolated, it can evolve on its own, apart from what's happening on the rest of the planet. And if food supplies are limited, as they often are on islands, smaller individuals have an evolutionary advantage since they need less food to live! If the larger species survives at all, it usually survives by shrinking. Utahraptor: How much shrinkage are we talking about here? T-Rex: Oh my goodness, Utahraptor, you have no idea! T-Rex: You can get dwarf ELEPHANTS. Tiny little elephants with tiny little tusks! Utahraptor: Yeah, but how tin- T-Rex: Is a 98% reduction in mass tiny enough for you? Utahraptor. THEY ARE THE MAYORS OF TINY TOWNE. Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: [small] Hullo T-Rex, my name is "Mr. Tusks" and I'm a tiny elephant! Someone left me on this island for too long. T-Rex (punchline): Oh my goodness, Mr. Tusks! Are you the MAYOR of Tiny Towne? Off panel: [small] vice-mayor

The good news is that this idea requires the ability to see the future, so I'm not too concerned about it actually taking place. CLOSE CALL THERE RYAN

T-Rex: Would it not be pretty neat to average out your emotional states across your entire life? T-Rex: I bet I'd never be sad again! Dromiceiomimus: But you'd never be happy again either! You'd probably be in this grey state of apathy for every second of the rest of your life! That doesn't sound appealing to me: always being out of sync with your friends, never knowing when to smile... T-Rex: No way Dromiceiomimus! I bet that I would be on average at least KIND of happy. Utahraptor: But what if you ended up being sad? T-Rex: Sad? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if you ended up being sad? It would be so tragic, especially if you had been pretty happy up to now! You'd feel - and you'd KNOW - that one day it's all going to go horribly wrong. T-Rex: That would be pretty awful, knowing that on the whole, your life is one of sadness! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAPPENED AND T-REX DIED IN A REALLY TERRIFYING WAY: T-Rex: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH T-Rex: [tiny] hhuuh T-Rex (punchline): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

"The Wonderful Magicks Of The Wee Faerie Folks", subtitled "Wait, Hold On, It's Honestly So Much Better Than It Sounds"

T-Rex: We've spent generations trying to figure out how to fly. And now we know how to do it! Kinda! T-Rex: We can fly if we've got an airplane wrapped around us, anyway! T-Rex: Meanwhile, FAIRIES have been able to fly since forever and they do so under their own power. Have they shared any heavier-than-air flight skills with us? NO THEY HAVE NOT. Dromiceiomimus: But - aren't fairies magic? T-Rex: That's even worse! We've got nuclear waste that has to be managed for the next thousand years. SOME MAGIC SURE WOULD BE HANDY FOR THAT, HUH?? WOW. WOW IT SURE WOULD. Utahraptor: Maybe it's like a fairy Prime Directive thing! T-Rex: That - makes sense, actually! T-Rex: Giving us magic overnight would destroy us! IN FACT, maybe that's why fairies themselves are so rare: when they invented magic, they nearly destroyed themselves with the sudden, unpredictable and corrupting power! Utahraptor: The few survivors dare only use a handful of protective spells: immortality and flight! T-Rex: Yes! And the magical fallout means they can't ever go home again!! I always thought I'd never say this, but... "I really want to read a novel set during the Fairy Magic Civil War". T-Rex (punchline): Wow. Life surprises you sometimes, am I right?

this comic gets a lot funnier if you replace 'fall in love' with 'masturbate' in the first two panels. it's too bad i don't make sex comics! i've already got the first two panels down cold.

T-Rex: Hello! You need to fall in love. Narrator: TIME TO FALL IN LOVE, EVERYONE Narrator: what is the hold up T-Rex: Everybody needs to fall in love! To fall in love is to value another person's happiness above your own, to want to be with them and make your lives together the best they could possibly be. Are you saying you would not like to love and be loved? Of course you would. Your partner is out there looking for you. You should probably get on this. Utahraptor: Whoah, not everyone needs to fall in love! T-Rex: You are diluting our message here, UTAHRAPTOR. Utahraptor: I'm serious! People get so hung up on finding "the one" that they forget everything else. You can have an entirely rewarding life without being "so madly in love" with someone! Close friendships and a private room can offer most of the things love does. T-Rex: A private room? Oh man, were you just namedropping M.C. MASTURBATION? Off panel: You can stop calling it that anytime, T-Rex. T-Rex (punchline): [narrates] How had we gone from love to masturbation so quickly? Had this question been asked before?

originally it was judge everything by dictionary standards day, and we were judging a romance novel: "I enjoyed the bold new additions: the narrative, the growing sexual tension, and finally, the many scenes of sexual intercourse themselves. A welcome distraction from the endless definitions of words."

T-Rex: What's today? Friday? Is it Friday? Or is it... T-Rex: JUDGE EVERYTHING BY THE SAME STANDARDS YOU'D JUDGE A ROMANTIC COMEDY BY DAY? Narrator: HOW'S YOUR SANDWICH? T-Rex: My sandwich has a sassy female lead, and I use "sassy" in the delicious sense and "female lead" in the novel-but-soon-to-be-familiar "spiced ham and brie cheese interior" sense. Dromiceiomimus: Mine started off promising enough, but derailed in the third act. T-Rex: Oh my god I know EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. Narrator: HOW'S YOUR LOVE LIFE? T-Rex: Um - 90 minutes long? Utahraptor: The perfect length! Narrator: HOW'S YOUR BODY IMAGE? T-Rex: Good, I guess? Produced by the combined efforts of hundreds if not thousands of people, all of whom expect a profit? Utahraptor: That one made me sad. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: Yeah. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY, T-REX'S TAX RETURN IS STILL WAY OVERDUE: T-Rex: Oh dang it dang it dang it! T-Rex (punchline): NO MORE PROCRASTINATING

IT'S 3DREALMS! 3DREALMS IS THE ONE. 3DREALMS. AND ALL THE DUKE NUKEM FOREVER JOKES HAVE ALREADY BEEN MADE EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE: "DUKE NUKEM FOREVER? MORE LIKE 'DUKE NUKEM, I REALLY LOVED YOUR LAST GAME AND WAS LONG LOOKING FORWARD TO A SEQUEL'"

T-Rex: I have a favourite video game company, WHICH SHALL NOT BE NAMED, but which has been working on the same game for the past 12 years. And they just closed down! T-Rex: Without releasing the friggin' game! T-Rex: I feel strong - feelings, Dromiceiomimus! I think it's some shock, some anger, but mostly disappointment! 12 years of a life is a long time. Dromiceiomimus: It's your entire adult life! T-Rex: And then some! I've been waiting for this game to come out for my entire adult life. Wow. Utahraptor: There are worse things to happen than a video game not coming out, T-Rex! T-Rex: Obviously! T-Rex: But this COLOURS them all, you know? The food chain collapses, you can bet I'm gonna say "Man, this SUCKS!" But now I'm ALSO going to say, "Plus, my game never came out!!" T-Rex: Friiiiig Narrator: YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Hey, my game eventually came out! FINALLY. Things are looking up! Off panel: On the other hand, you never talked to that woman at the bus stop 15 years ago. T-Rex: Oh yeah! T-Rex (punchline): Friiiiig

WHY DO WE KEEP HAVING CONVERSATIONS FROM THE FAR SIDES OF THE ROOM

T-Rex: So... I kind of shot my mouth off on an online forum? T-Rex: And it happened to be a forum in which I use my real name! T-Rex: And now I am concerned that if someone looks up my name online, they will see me acting like a jerk, and will conclude that I AM a jerk, and then they won't want to hire me or marry me or whatever. They - they won't want to do the thing that they were thinking of doing before they looked up my name. Utahraptor: So what are you going to do? T-Rex: Avoid it, dude! T-Rex: The way I figure it, after about five years we gain the ability to look back on anything and laugh, and I can reasonably say "Oh, but I was young and stupid back then!". So, BASICALLY, I'm going to wait five years and then stop worrying about it. Utahraptor: I see. Narrator: FOUR AND A HALF YEARS LATER: Off panel: Hey T-Rex, you were a real dick on the internet four and a half years ago! T-Rex: I KNOW, GRANDMA. T-Rex (punchline): HOW DID THE MUFFINS YOU WERE PLANNING TO BAKE TURN OUT

'britishmen' is definitely one word

T-Rex: Ah, do I ever love the broad stereotypes of cultures! T-Rex: Do I ever! T-Rex: They're like generalizations across races, only socially acceptable! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you know that Latin women are passionate and fiery? Dromiceiomimus: That is the stereotype! T-Rex: And Britishmen are cultured and maybe a little stuffy! Utahraptor: Well, what's the stereotype that applies to you, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh, there isn't one! T-Rex: My people and I don't fit in your BOXES, man. Utahraptor: And you recognize the double standard here? T-Rex: Heck yes! I'm largely in favour of it! T-Rex: I say "largely" because I like to keep my options open. Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): Passionate Latin women?

'a volunteer-information serum? i don't see why not!'

Narrator: T-REX HAS INJECTED HIMSELF WITH TRUTH SERUM OF HIS OWN DESIGN: T-Rex: Indeedy! Now everything I say will be the truth! T-Rex: The path to enlightenment is truly through homemade drugs! T-Rex: Go ahead, Dromiceiomimus! Ask me anything! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, um... What's ten times two? T-Rex: Twenty. Oh my gosh; it works! Utahraptor: Oooh! Hey, I've got some questions! T-Rex: No way dude! T-Rex: I'm afraid you'll ask me some personal questions (of a sexual nature) that I don't want to answer! T-Rex: Wait, what the hell? This was supposed to be a truth serum, not a VOLUNTEER INFORMATION serum! Utahraptor: You're out of control! T-Rex: I've recently discovered the joys of sleeping naked, by the way! T-Rex (punchline): Don't listen to me!!

in writing this comic i discovered there are people who have seriously put forward the "hidden identical jesus twins" theory, which makes me think that professional religious scholarship is WAY more fun than generally advertised

T-Rex: History is pretty good if you want to know what MIGHT have happened in the time before breakfast this morning! But most histories fail to account for one very important thing: TWINS. T-Rex: Specifically, hidden and previously-unknown identical twins! T-Rex: Sure, a bunch of witnesses saw Famous Historical Figure get shot. But maybe that was his TWIN! Maybe FHF survived and went into hiding and WALKS AMONG US STILL. Dromiceiomimus: Because if nobody saw him die then maybe he's still alive? T-Rex: PRECISELY. History doesn't know! History spends all its time saying "come on what are the odds of surprise twins" and not enough time saying "wait, turns out the odds are 1:1!!!" Utahraptor: This makes for some pretty dumb plotlines / actual histories! T-Rex: Pretty awesome ones, you mean! T-Rex: Check it out: Jesus gets crucified, then three days later his heretofore unknown identical twin shows up and takes his place! Oh snap! TWIST!! Utahraptor: Really, that's your new history? Really? Really. T-Rex: My friend, I don't know much about "Bible", but that is a way better plotline. God: I KINDA THINK MY VERSION IS BETTER SINCE IT HAS SUPERPOWERS T-Rex (punchline): I dunno - are superpowers ALWAYS better than evil twins?? God: WAIT NOW HE'S EVIL YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT God: OKAY LISTEN God: YOU'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES God: WOW ME

AW NO THEY GET BIGGER?? FRIG MAN, JUST WRITE DOWN THAT IT'S THE LARGE INTESTINE AND GET OUT OF THERE!! I AM ALREADY STRIPPING OUT OF MY LAB COAT AND RUNNING AWAY, I CAN'T GO BACK, I WON'T GO BACK

T-Rex: SCIENCE FACT: you are covered in ants. They move to the other side when you look at your body so you can't see them, but their chitinous bodies blanket you. Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION Dromiceiomimus: Wait, I thought it was spiders, not ants! T-Rex: Really? I heard ants. I mean, it could be spiders AND ants though for all I know! T-Rex: Let's - let's say it's both. Utahraptor: Dude! It's centipedes, but they've got the HEAD of a spider! T-Rex: Ohhhh! That makes sense! T-Rex (punchline): But then what about the colossal centipedes with the lamprey mouths at each end? Utahraptor: Oh, those are the ones living coiled inside us, secretly digesting our food and then WE live off their poops, but it's SO GROSS that when scientists discovered that they were all, "NOPE, I'M OUT" Off panel: "QUICK, TELL EVERYONE THAT THOSE ARE 'INTESTINES' AND THAT THEY'RE TOTALLY NORMAL" Off panel: "OKAY! QUITTING SCIENCE FOREVER NOW" Off panel: "RAD, ME TOO, LATES"

THINGS THAT MAY COST YOU A LIFETIME OF FRIENDSHIP: rampant murderism, incurable stealie-o-holicism, terminal punchiness

Narrator: VISITING OLD FRIENDS COMICS T-Rex: Hooray for visiting old friends! T-Rex: Old friends are the best kind of friends because you still get along really well, even though you maybe haven't seen each other for a long time. It is a time for healthy nostalgia and for talking of tomorrow! Dromiceiomimus: But current friends are good too, aren't they T-Rex? T-Rex: Yes! My endorsement of old friends is not meant to be taken as a slight against friends currently in rotation. Utahraptor: What do you like best about visiting old friends, T-Rex? T-Rex: An excellent question! T-Rex: I think what I like best is how you have the intimacy years of friendship provides, but also the perspective gained from any time spent apart. It lets you be honest with each other! You can see how everyone's changed and talk and laugh about it. Utahraptor: That's great - BUT WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS?? T-Rex: Aww! Well, I'll be their friend, unless there's a good reason why they don't have any friends, such as rampant murderism or incurable stealie-o-holicism. Off panel: Neither of those are actual afflictions, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): Then we're SET!

medusa realizing she'll never see another living face again, depressed, sitting alone outside, stone birds dropping out of the sky around her

Narrator: THE MYTH OF MEDUSA T-Rex: Medusa was a lady who was super sexy! But then she sexed up Poseidon (God of the Sea!) in Athena's house, and Athena got SO CHEEZED that she turned Medusa's hair into snakes! T-Rex: And THEN she made Medusa's face so crazy that anyone who saw it would turn to stone! T-Rex: Medusa was now the greatest biological weapon on the face of the planet. Perseus was sent to slay her and claim her head, planning to use a mirrored shield so he could avoid looking at her directly. This of course was futile; light does not work that way, and Medusa now had a statue of a guy looking into his shield. Realizing her own power, Medusa began keeping her eyes closed, navigating by sound and touch. Utahraptor: That's not what happens in the story!! T-Rex: Really? Because my version seems PRETTY LOGICAL. Utahraptor: No, in the real story Perseus chops Medusa's head off and she's pregnant by Poseidon so babies pop out of her neck. One is a giant with a solid gold sword and the other is Pegasus. T-Rex: Oh right, that ending is WAY better. Her head gets chopped off and A FLYING HORSE and SWORD GIANT come out. The end. T-Rex: The way I figure, either the Greek Myths were made up by a five-year-old and transcribed onto scrolls by his 30-year-old brother, or at some point I go back in time and the Greeks are all SUPER CREDULOUS. T-Rex (punchline): Either way: EVERYBODY WINS??

batman loses his shit! my brother had a dream JUST LIKE THIS a few nights ago; what are the odds??

T-Rex: I had the coolest dream last night. BATMAN was in it! And ZOMBIES! T-Rex: It was entirely great! T-Rex: Okay, so Gotham City is infected with zombies, right? T-Rex: People start getting bit, dying, then getting up and feasting on the flesh of the living. Batman and Robin are fighting them off as best they can, and while they're too fast and acrobatic to be touched, there's too many zombies to kill them all. They start rescuing as many people as they can, taking them to the Batcave for safekeeping. It's a good place because it's not only big, but protected and hidden! Utahraptor: So what happens next? T-Rex: Well, soon the Batcave is getting pretty full! T-Rex: And at some point they've rescued this guy who's been bitten, but who's hidden it. He dies, and the next time Batman and Robin come back to the Cave, they find that everyone inside is now a zombie! Their effort has been entirely futile, and everyone they've rescued is dead. Utahraptor: Then what? T-Rex: Batman FLIPS OUT!! T-Rex (punchline): And I wake up, the end!

i once brought a regular salad to a party and claimed it was 'motown style'

T-Rex: Time to do it up... T-Rex: Québec style! T-Rex: Time to wrap up some presents for all my friends... T-Rex: Québec style! T-Rex: Time to STOMP ON THIS HOUSE - Québec style! Utahraptor: Alright, I'll bite: what's "Québec style"? T-Rex: It's new and exciting! T-Rex: I invented it because it sounds, as I say, exciting and full of promise! "Let's go see a movie, Québec style!" Oh, wow! What does it mean? What's so different? I don't know, but I'm excited to find out! Utahraptor: I'm not! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Hey guys, I brought a nice salad - Québec style! Off panel: Oooh!

Annie's best friend is June "the Whopper" King: spunky, intense, and just as inventive as June. In three weeks, they're going to have a falling out that will shape both their lives forever. But that's in the future: right now, Annie's on her way over to June's house to talk about her Poppo/Jimmy problems. Her dad answers the door. "She's in her room," he says, and turns. "JUNE! ANNIE'S HERE!" he shouts upstairs. "ANNIE!" June shouts down in reply. "WELCOME TO THE HOME OF THE WHOPPER!!"

T-Rex: Annie McDonald's is fourteen years old, and in seven days, she'll invent the hamburger - and with it, the restaurant that still bears her name! T-Rex: That is, if she can make it through the week!! T-Rex: Her home life is a scalding hot mess: her parents make her prepare all their meals, always demanding she cook faster and faster! And her personal life is no better: Poppo P. Pepsi and Jimmy Coke both want her to go exclusive - and the prom's TONIGHT! Dromiceiomimus: Plus she's flunking Business Ethics! T-Rex: DROMICEIOMIMUS this is BRAND FANFICTION not BRAND LABOUR RECORD EDUTAINMENT CORNER, THANKS. Utahraptor: But hamburgers predate McDonald's! T-Rex: Dude, I KNOW THIS. T-Rex: But it makes STORY sense for Annie to be singularly responsible for both the food and the restaurant. How many books are there about McDonald's history? Utahraptor: Probably plenty! T-Rex: EXACTLY. But how many cast McDonald's as a confused but inventive young girl on the cusp of of ADULTHOOD?? T-Rex: Also on the cusp of grinding cows into a mash, shaping it into a patty, cooking it, and serving it in a bun with lettuce and junk on top?? T-Rex (punchline): AKA THE MOST POWERFUL, IF CONFUSING, METAPHOR FOR WOMANHOOD I HAVE EVER PERSONALLY CONCEIVED??

today i discovered you can't spell "sexist" without "exist". not really sure what that means though.

T-Rex: If I lived in the past I'd have different beliefs, because I'd have nobody modern around me to teach me anything else! T-Rex: FACT. T-Rex: And I find it really unlikely that I would come up with all our modern good stuff on my own, running around saying "YOU GUYS! DEMOCRACY IS PRETTY OKAY. ALSO, WOMEN ARE EQUAL TO MEN, AND RACISM? KIND OF A DICK MOVE!". If I was raised by racist and sexist parents in the middle of a racist and sexist society, I'm pretty certain I'd be racist and sexist! I'm only as enlightened as I am today because I've stood on the shoulders of giants. Utahraptor: I'm pretty certain you're right! T-Rex: Okay, good! T-Rex: But that doesn't make me a terrible person, right? We're judging the past by the standards of the present. Utahraptor: Right. T-Rex: Right. So that raises the question: IS EVERYONE FROM THAT PERIOD IN HELL, OR IS HEAVEN OVERWHELMINGLY POPULATED BY RACISTS?! God: T-REX LISTEN THIS IS WHY I DON'T THINK ABOUT RELIGION THAT HARD T-Rex (punchline): Don't you mean, "This is why YOU shouldn't think about religion that hard"? God: MAN God: EITHER WAY

T-Rex: When is something uncool enough to be COOL again? Is there someone who decides one day that California Raisins shirts are back in vogue? God: HEY MAN DON'T LOOK AT ME T-Rex (punchline): Well I ju-- [panel floor breaks under T-Rex and he falls through it] Dromiceiomimus: ...T-Rex? [T-Rex landed on a flower field with some mountains in the distance, and roars in the direction of the sun, away from the viewer]

did you hear the urban legend about the woman who eats a hot dog, but then it's actually a real dog? no you did not, because it is a stupid urban legend. hot dogs and real dogs don't even look the same! come ON.

Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING COMICS Narrator: remember these comics? DON'T YOU WISH THEY HAD ENDED DIFFERENTLY?? T-Rex: I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). T-Rex: Lesbians! T-Rex: I respect their choices and don't fetishize their sexuality at all. Narrator: THE END Narrator: URBAN Narrator: LEGEND Narrator: COMICS Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! I heard that a friend of yours won the lottery and became ultra rich!! T-Rex (punchline): You heard INCORRECTLY! He won the lottery, but only recovered the cost of his ticket. Utahraptor: Oh. Narrator: "BASED ON A TRUE STORY??"

the professor's name was written in all caps, one full-size letter per page, it is the most obscene flipbook of all time, and it is designed for people who can read really fast

T-Rex: I have led my life believing that people who write down cuss words have bad things happen to them. T-Rex: And it has worked out really well so far! T-Rex: When I saw someone writing a cuss, I would think "It's okay, that person will have troubles down the line because of that, and then they'll realize why, and then they'll know not to write down cusses anymore. They will have learnt their lesson." But I wrote down some cusses last night and nothing bad happened! T-Rex: Nothing! Utahraptor: Maybe it was the cusses you chose? T-Rex: That's what I thought! T-Rex: But after smaller cusses didn't take, I worked up to the bigger ones. And even they weren't doing anything! By the time it was time for bed, I was writing out things like "PROFESSOR CUNTBURGLAR" in my notebook, complete with doodled 3D effects! Utahraptor: And still no response, huh? Weird! T-Rex: I know! But then I realized there's probably a delay, so when a bunch of birds poop on my head later on this week I'm not going to wonder why. T-Rex (punchline): Look for me, I'll be the guy shielding my head with one hand while shouting "Don't worry everyone! I deserve this!!"

i love that 'me too' voice in the first panel, whoever it is

Narrator: WHAT IF... DINOSAURS HAD NEVER GONE EXTINCT? T-Rex: I feel about the same. Off panel: Me too! Narrator: "WHAT IF..." COMICS Narrator: WHAT IF... T-REX WERE VERY VERY TINY? T-Rex: Luckily, everything else in the Universe has shrunk to the same scale! Dromiceiomimus: Yes, from any given perspective there is no change! T-Rex: CRAZY Narrator: WHAT IF... "AMERICA" HAD BEEN NAMED "SEXOPOLIS" INSTEAD? Utahraptor: Who's your favourite Sexopolian citizen? T-Rex: UM, THEM ALL Narrator: WHAT IF... T-REX HAD SUCCEEDED IN BUILDING HIS TIME MACHINE? T-Rex: Well, I guess I'll talk to you yesterday! See you... SOONER? Utahraptor: You keep going back one day to tell me that stupid pun, but I'm never going to laugh! Narrator: WHAT IF... THE FANTASTIC FOUR HAD LOST THE TRIAL OF GALACTUS? T-Rex (punchline): My comic has a slightly different ending...?!

i won the lottery again today, only this time they paid me in kittens!

T-Rex: In "The Divine Comedy", this thirteenth century dude Dante describes all these circles of Hell where the wicked spend eternity for being so wicked. T-Rex: Pretty heady stuff! T-Rex: Anyway, what's remarkable is that Dante puts both homosexuals and money lenders in the same circle! He thought both were unnatural: interest makes something (money) from nothing (no action on the lender's part), while homosexuals make nothing (hot gay action doesn't count!) from something (their reproductive organs). Utahraptor: Hey, how do you know that that's what Dante was thinking? T-Rex: It's in the book! Utahraptor: Well maybe he just decided to write a book that he entirely disagreed with. T-Rex: Well MAYBE he wrote in his diary that he did agree, and I've read his diary! Utahraptor: Maybe he was lying! T-Rex: Dude! You're not allowed to lie to your own diary! T-Rex (punchline): A- Are you?

if somebody tells you that you suck, the correct response is "yeah, EVENTUALLY!"

T-Rex: How do we know if a given work of art is great? T-Rex: I don't want to waste my time on art that sucks!! Dromiceiomimus: You could see if other people like it! T-Rex: But that's just popularity! And being popular isn't the same as being great. High school and the weekly top 40 countdown taught me that! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: ZING Utahraptor: You could see what the critics say! T-Rex: True, but they don't all agree with each other! Utahraptor: Then take the critical consensus! T-Rex: That's just popularity with a different clique! Isn't there some OBJECTIVE measure of greatness? Utahraptor: ...If it passes the test of time? T-Rex: That's just popularity over a longer time range! And NOTHING'S popular forever, so on a long enough timeline, everybody sucks!! T-Rex: Oh noooo! T-Rex (punchline): I'M TRAPPED ON A PLANET OF EVENTUALLY SUCKY DUDS

we MUST ensure that easily-confused future generations think we were way awesome

God: T-REX I HAVE SENT YOU BACK IN TIME NINE YEARS TO EXPLAIN THE FUTURE TO YOUR FRIENDS T-Rex: Awesome!! T-Rex: Everyone, come quick! I'm from the future!! Dromiceiomimus: Incredible! What's the future like, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's amazing! Some people have jobs where ALL THEY DO is design special interfaces for android users!! Dromiceiomimus: Wow, like - cyborgs? T-Rex: Well, no, it's like - T-Rex: - it's like an operating system... for a phone? Utahraptor: Surely we have space elevators! T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: I'll tell you what we DO have: a website you can write "FAIL" on top of other people having a hard time! Utahraptor: ...Oh. T-Rex: No, you don't understand: it sounds awful when I put it that way, but it's actually really funny to laugh at strangers behind their backs!! God: T-REX I HAVE RETURNED YOU TO THE PRESENT BECAUSE YOU MADE EVERYTHING SEEM TERRIBLE T-Rex: It's not my fault! I didn't name a phone thing "Android"!! T-Rex (punchline): Geez why not start a sandwich company called "Hovercars 4 Free" while you're at it, GOOGLE

MOM we have had this conversation BEFORE now where did you put my four-fingered white gloves and recordings of raymond scott's "powerhouse" COME ON

T-Rex: You know the trope in cartoons where there's a "help wanted" sign, and the unemployed hero will go into the store and take the sign down, because he's SO SURE he'll get the job? T-Rex: But then the boss hates him so much that he LITERALLY kicks him out and then slaps the sign back up? T-Rex: I wish that happened more in real life. T-Rex: *sigh* Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex! There's a store downtown with a help wanted sign up! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: Don't you remember how you wanted to see that cartoon thing in real life? Now's your chance! T-Rex: Yes! You're right, this IS my chance! I forgot about it until now! T-Rex: Oh man oh man! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Guess what, mom? I got a job I don't want as a florist today, entirely by accident! Off panel: How come this sort of stuff happens to you, T-Rex? T-Rex: MOM T-Rex (punchline): It's because I am trying to live in CARTOONS.

why oh why did i make lolita EVEN YOUNGER

Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A STORY ABOUT A DOG THAT GETS SUPER POWERS! T-Rex: It's awesome! It was about a dog who didn't have super powers, and then one day, he got some super powers. Narrator: BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE: T-Rex: Now everyone thinks MY dog has super powers! T-Rex: I don't know at what point we all decided that authors aren't allowed to just make things up anymore, but it's totally what's happened to me! Somehow our fictions have all become real, and "write what you know" is the only creative option. Dromiceiomimus: People actually think your dog has super powers? T-Rex: Well, they think he's so great he INSPIRED the super powers. He's actually just - really angry? T-Rex: But that's the thing! Even if I write about something implausible, folks assume there's a real-life inspiration! Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex! Utahraptor: A lot of your previous stories WERE autobiographical. "My Tiring Day"? "A Story About Me (At The End I Sit Down and Write The Book You're Now Reading)"? If I were you, I'd write my next book such that if people DID assume it was about me, it would be flattering. T-Rex: Yes! Like "The Day I Was EXTRA Nice To The Homeless"! Narrator: LATER, T-REX PUBLISHES HIS NEW BOOK! IT'S CALLED "LOLITA 2: THE PREQUEL! NOW LOLITA'S EVEN YOUNGER" T-Rex (punchline): Aw craps.

"I'll show myself out."

Narrator: HANDY PHRASES FOR WHEN SOMEONE HAS JUST HAD A BABY T-Rex: "Oh, how adorable!" T-Rex: "To date, that's definitely the best baby I'VE ever seen!" T-Rex: "Have you considered naming the baby after me? It's a great name! Ha ha, etc." Dromiceiomimus: "My goodness, he or she has your smile!" T-Rex: "Or other identifying trait!" T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: "Neaaaaaaaaat!" Utahraptor: "I envy your fertile loins." T-Rex: "They've really demonstrated the value of teamwork." T-Rex: "I was never one to believe in love at first sight, but I confess: I love your child." Utahraptor: "Not romantically, though." T-Rex: "No, I will definitely not love your child romantically until it has reached the age of majority and provided explicit consent." T-Rex (punchline): "Thank you for inviting me to share this moment with you today."

hey, the sensual sensation was my nickname in high school!

T-Rex: I know one thing that puts us (living people made out of meat) above machine intelligences. T-Rex: That thing is the ability to feel physical pleasure! T-Rex: For instance, I'd like to see a machine intelligence feel the relief of a cool breeze on a hot summer's night. They can't, because they're machines! T-Rex: We are the much more sensual people. Utahraptor: I'm not sure what you're trying to argue here, T-Rex! T-Rex: People > machines! Utahraptor: Yeah, but - couldn't a machine intelligence just press some mental button to emulate a cool breeze or any other sensual sensation? And since they don't really exist yet, I'm not sure why you're arguing small points about them? T-Rex: Well, I - Narrator: EARLIER: Off panel: T-REX IF YOU TELL ANYONE ABOUT US THEN YOU WILL BE ELIMINATED T-Rex (punchline): But come on! You have to admit that we're the superi- Off panel: E-LIM-MIN-NAT-ED

perhaps, everybody's motivation behind christmas?

T-Rex: I've decided that despite the commercialism of the season, I will still be giving out presents to all my friends! T-Rex: However, I will achieve this by sneaking into their houses and leaving the presents there! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I think you should examine your house carefully tomorrow morning! Dromiceiomimus: Why's that? T-Rex: I have a hunch you might find some surprises there, is all! Utahraptor: We'll still know it's you who put the presents there, T-Rex! T-Rex: True! Utahraptor: So, if it's not the anonymity you want, why are you going to all the trouble to sneak into our houses? T-Rex: It's no trouble! T-Rex: I just like the excitement of giving people presents! T-Rex (punchline): It makes me feel kind of sexy, you know?

an internet comic comes out in favour of internet access not being down, WHAT A SURPRISE RYAN

T-Rex: Perhaps I can get insight into myself by, instead of examining what I know, looking at what I DON'T know! For example, I don't know anything about what happened in 1900 BCE. T-Rex: Sorry if awesome sweet times happened, 1900 BCE dudes! T-Rex: Similarly, I don't know how to turn wool into felt and on closer inspection I'm not ENTIRELY sure that's where felt comes from in the first place. Clearly, I'm not a guy who cares about making felt and/or specific historical times! Dromiceiomimus: These insights are pretty superficial, T-Rex! T-Rex: Um, they can't all be winners, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: The other problem with your idea is that not knowing something doesn't mean you don't care about it! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Well I don't know about felt either, but if I ever need to, it's all there online. Treat the internet like offline storage waiting to be loaded into your active memory, and there's not much you can't potentially know! T-Rex: That's a great way of looking at it! I'm a cyborg and the internet is part of my GIANT BRAIN! Narrator: LATER, AT HOME: T-Rex: What the heck, my giant brain has been down for like THREE HOURS!! T-Rex: This might be T-Rex (punchline): THE WORST THING

I SET 'EM UP, THEN I ALSO MYSELF KNOCK 'EM DOWN. I LIVE ALONE

T-Rex: Hello, friend! Do you have a moment to talk about God? Off panel: NOPE T-Rex: Perfect! T-Rex: Because I actually want to talk about cool sex stuff instead! Dromiceiomimus: Oh wow! This conversation went way better than I was anticipating!! T-Rex: I know! So, to proceed, some of my favourite sex things are the following erotic circumstances AND/OR manoeuvres... T-Rex: ...and that's how it went down. Utahraptor: I call shenanigans! Utahraptor: You did not walk up to Dromiceiomimus, warm her up with religious proselytising, and then smoothly segue into sex junk. T-Rex (punchline): Two things. ONE: I totally did, and TWO: it's just called "junk", Utahraptor. You don't need to add "sex" in front of it. [no text]

utahraptor's going to be pissed when he finds out t-rex had this whole conversation just for the sake of the pun

T-Rex: I've bought myself a new means of transportation! T-Rex: A bicycle! T-Rex: Do you want to go on a bike ride, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I don't have a bike! T-Rex: You can watch me! Dromiceiomimus: No thanks! Utahraptor: I'll go on a bike ride with you, T-Rex! T-Rex: Great! T-Rex: We can race! We'll ring our little bells as we zoom by pedestrains, making their hair swoosh in the direction of our travel! Utahraptor: This is one race you're going to lose, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh really? I think you might find you SPOKE too soon, my friend! T-Rex: That's a bicycle pun, by the way! T-Rex (punchline): (You can use it if you want!)

also starring Samuel L. Jackson, against type, as the Exasperated Farmer.

Narrator: EVERYONE I KNOW IS BECOMING VEGETARIAN Narrator: A COMIC BASED ON A TRUE STORY Narrator: MANY TRUE STORIES T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I know you're vegetarian, but you've been vegetarian since forever. You were ahead of the curve! But lately everyone ELSE is suddenly like, "Oh, T-Rex, I'm sorry, *I* don't eat pork chops anymore because they're way too delicious. And gosh, no, no, steaks are out too because they don't have any stupid chlorophyll in them!" Dromiceiomimus: Well - T-Rex: ¡That's what they're like! Utahraptor: Don't you respect vegetarians? T-Rex: I do! MOST OF THEM. T-Rex: I guess I'm not used to feeling in the minority in knowing that animals can be friends AND food! It's not hard! You say, "Aw, that animal is SO CUTE" and then the camera cuts away and when it cuts back they have a bite mark out of them and I look cartoonishly guilty. The end! T-Rex (punchline): Hold on, I'm gonna go make that film. Movie poster: THE GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS Movie poster: Once In a Lifetime Comes a Movie (In The German Expressionist Tradition) In Which A Dinosaur Takes Cartoony Bites out of Cows and Then Tries to Avoid Punishment for That.™ Movie poster: “BITINGLY hilarious!” --Everyone??

hah hah, seriously guys! seriously?

T-Rex: Is it possible to have too many friends? T-Rex: The answer is "Definitely yes!" T-Rex: This is because if you were friends with EVERYONE ever in the history of time, you'd have so many people who'd expect you to talk with them on the phone and hang out with them and stuff, and there's only so many hours in a day! Eventually you'd end up snubbing at least SOME of them, which is bad. T-Rex: Therefore, yes, it is possible to have too many friends! Utahraptor: You know, talking like this risks backlash, T-Rex! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Well, few people worry about having too many friends, and those who feel like they could maybe use some more friends might become resentful. It's not the sort of thing you go looking for sympathy about. T-Rex: I don't have too many friends! I was speaking hypothetically! T-Rex: I could use some more friends, actually. I tried calling an escort service once but it turns out that is a euphemism and all the people there were just interested in sex for money! T-Rex (punchline): I was like "Hah hah, what?"

you could be remembered as The Dude who Had A Cuss for every Occasion

T-Rex: Everybody wants to be remarkable! Here are some awesome ways to be remarkable: T-Rex: The first is to go further in something than anyone has before! T-Rex: For example, maybe you could eat a whole lot of goldfish or swallow tons of orange juice? Simply think of something people already do, then think of a reasonable limit to that activity, and THEN shoot past it! It's the "go further than anybody else would ever want to" technique! Dromiceiomimus: Remarkable? T-Rex: Precisely! Utahraptor: Do you think everyone wants to be remarkable, T-Rex? T-Rex: Aww! Shooting down my ideas? Utahraptor: No! I didn't mean to. I was just wondering if you thought everyone wants to be unique, or if some can be satisfied with just a simple life, quietly well lived. T-Rex: Well, I suppose the idea of remarkability ties in with a desire for fame, which I SUSPECT is merely a corruption of wanting to be respected. T-Rex: So yeah! I can see wanting to be respected but not wanting to be remarkable - it almost seems nobler than otherwise. T-Rex: Anyway! T-Rex (punchline): You can ALSO be remarkable by, holy shit, memorably cussin'!

hey, my wallet's here!

T-Rex: Well, yesterday I seemed to annoy my friends with my choice of the oddly-obscene word “earhole”. T-Rex: Excuse me! T-Rex: Sheesh, I was just being myself! Dromiceiomimus: Well, we all prefer when you’re yourself, but also not a rude jerk. You can be both! T-Rex: But there’s a rude side to me too! It’s who I am! Utahraptor: And this is where, once again, social constraints come into play! T-Rex: So you’re implying that society serves a useful purpose, by encouraging me to be - nice? Polite? Utahraptor: Yep! If you don’t like it, go live on the moon! Narrator: LATER, ON THE MOON! T-Rex: HEY I HOPE YOU GUYS CAN HEAR ME BECAUSE I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY UP HERE! T-Rex (punchline): EAAAAARHOOOOOLE

OTHER ORGANS HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH - WELL, WE DON'T WANT TO SPOIL ANY SURPRISES

Off panel: HI NEIGHBOUR! CAN WE BORROW A CUP OF FLOUR? T-Rex: Gah! What? What for? Off panel: T-REX, YOU - Off panel: YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW T-Rex: Man, screw those guys! If these raccoons and cephalopods want to unsettle me, they should know that "you really don't want to know" line was NEVER scary. It's not going to work! They need more than a cliché phrase to scare me, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: What possible scary use could flour have? T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: So if flour isn't scary, then MAYBE - just MAYBE - they were simply short of flour? T-Rex: Impossible. T-Rex: Look, I know you want to take their side, Utahraptor, but there's no way those guys were - what, baking me a cake and suddenly ran short of flour? They're planning something. Utahraptor: If I were you I'd be polite when they show up with a cake! T-Rex: It's not gonna happen! Narrator: LATER: Off panel: SURPRISE, T-REX! WE BAKED YOU A CAKE, SHAPED LIKE AN UNCANNY VALLEY VERSION OF YOU. T-Rex (punchline): Huh! Um, thanks! Off panel: AND INSTEAD OF CAKE ON THE INSIDE, THERE'S REAL ORGANS! Off panel: SOME OF THE ORGANS ARE FULL

IF YOU DIDN'T READ THE NEXT PANEL BUT JUMPED AHEAD TO THIS TEXT INSTEAD LET ME JUST SAY: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING, IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME AT COMICS OR WHAT

T-Rex: I woke up this morning and found out that there's a fancy new building going up downtown and GUESS WHAT EVERYBODY: they named it after me! T-Rex: And it turns out there's all these children around named after me too?? T-Rex: So I looked into it and every band formed in the past decade was named after me! Heck, there's even a handful of COUNTRIES that were named after me. Plus, you know every single dog alive today? I don't want to alarm you, but every one of those dogs was named after me too! Dromiceiomimus: And yet, I have never visited T-Rexia while listening to the latest #1 hit from "T-Rex and his Muscle Ts". T-Rex: Look, all I'm saying is that if you look up on a clear night with a good telescope... Utahraptor: ...yes? T-Rex: You just might see the hundreds of distant stars and extra-solar planets named after me, T-Rex! Utahraptor: You're aware that there's no star called "T-Rex", right? T-Rex (punchline): Of course! Narrator: WHAT?! IS T-REX CRAZY?? FIND OUT BY READING THE NEXT PANEL! Narrator: NO, T-REX ISN'T CRAZY!! HE'S JUST USING THE PHRASE "NAMED AFTER ME" TO MEAN "THEY WERE GIVEN NAMES AFTER I HAD BEEN GIVEN A NAME"; THIS IS A 100% VALID USE OF ENGLISH Narrator: the end

so yeah, there's the movie!

Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS today's film: T-Rex: I'm Bill S. Preston! Narrator: BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE T-Rex: Esquire! Narrator: GREECE, 405 BC T-Rex: Thanks to Rufus' excellent time-travelling telephone booth, we can travel to any time period! Thus, Ted and I are gathering some ancient history dudes so that we don't fail on our MOST BOGUS history report! T-Rex: Whoah - historical BABES! Narrator: FRANCE, 1802 Utahraptor: We are in danger of flunking most heinously tomorrow, Bill! Narrator: THE OLD WEST Utahraptor: Party on, Bill! T-Rex: Party on, Ted! T-Rex and Utahraptor: WYLD STALLYNS! T-Rex (punchline): Be excellent to each other!

Congealed Human Suffering, it is the worst thing for a sitcom to be

T-Rex: God, I've been watching a pretty good TV show lately! It's called "Scrubs". It's pretty okay! God: ARE YOU KIDDING ME God: THE BEST TV SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TIME IS WILL AND GRACE T-Rex: What?! T-Rex: You're crazy! Will and Grace is terrible! They always forget to put in jokes in their episodes! Scrubs is comedy gold compared to Will and Grace! God: WILL AND GRACE IS CUTE AND I LIKE HOW SOME OF THE CHARACTERS ARE GAY AND IT'S LIKE THEIR WHOLE LIFE T-Rex: You know what Will and Grace is? Will and Grace is Congealed Human Suffering! Utahraptor: Hey, who are you arguing with? T-Rex: God! About SITCOMS. Utahraptor: Wow! You're one step away from being a crazy person on the street, huh? T-Rex: HE'S the one who's crazy! He likes Will and Grace! Damn it! Now he's making me look crazy! God: HEY T-REX T-Rex (punchline): What!? God: WILL IS THE GAY ONE

ultimate understanding of batman having long since transcended definite articles

T-Rex: You know what's racist? Folks in stories always want to fight dinosaurs. APPARENTLY, we're all good at fighting! T-Rex: SO RACIST. T-Rex: While I freely concede that I PERSONALLY am indeed this generation's ultimate fighting machine, and that I can take you apart piece by piece and leave you in a big sloppy ol' pile for the garbage man to take away next Wednesday, while SIMULTANEOUSLY cutting my nails and barely even noticing these events taking place, not every dinosaur is good in a fight! You shouldn't assume we're all whirlwinds of destruction! Utahraptor: You know, Batman has this problem too! T-Rex: Batman! Utahraptor: Yeah, everyone wants to see if they can take on Batman, just as everyone wants to see if they can take a dinosaur. T-Rex: Oh my god, that's right - I've got the same problem BATMAN has! Oh man oh man, this is GREAT! I've got a new understanding of Batman! Narrator: LATER, DISAPPOINTMENT: T-Rex: Oh wait!! T-Rex (punchline): I forgot I already HAVE ultimate understanding of Batman

this is called "the tragedy of the commons" and was written about by garrett hardin 1968. luckily, my dinosaurs existed 65 million years before that, so if anyone's plagiarizing anyone, it's garrett hardin plagiarizing t-rex! i'm SO GLAD i remembered that 65 million years ago thing just now

T-Rex: Let's suppose we all have cows! Ladies and gentlemen: this is totally awesome. T-Rex: Now we all have cows! T-Rex: But let's also say we all share a field for them to graze in. The problem is that any field can only support so many cows -- any more and those ladies will gobble the grass faster than it can regrow! Dromiceiomimus: So it's in our shared interest to not overcow the field. T-Rex: NO OVERCOWING. Yes! Utahraptor: But if I add just ONE extra cow, it's not going to be the end of the world. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: But the tragedy is we might ALL rationally conclude "one more cow won't hurt", which destroys the field! Worse, we can foresee this situation, and realize our only option left is to get all our cows in the field as quickly as possible, BEFORE it's gone. Utahraptor: That's pretty terrible! T-Rex: To conclude: this is why I got the heck out of authority-free shared land cow ownership! T-Rex (punchline): S-T-R-E-S-S.

if you are offended at friday's comic about CHINESE new year and agree that the chinese do not have a monopoly on a lunisolar calendar, then i invite you re-read the comic, but substitute the appropriate instances of 'chinese' with 'lunar'. this will result in a comic about the holiday of 'Lunar Queen Victoria Day', a holiday (and queen) which are, almost certainly, without peer.

T-Rex: A new lunar year, and guess who's still not married? T-Rex: THE ANSWER IS ME T-Rex: Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn! Narrator: the end Narrator: POSTSCRIPT: Utahraptor: T-Rex, you sure have been saying "damn" a lot lately! T-Rex: Daaamn! Utahraptor: See? Like right there! Dromiceiomimus and I were talking about staging an intervention. T-Rex: Daaaaaamn! Utahraptor: You're not making this easy on us! T-Rex: Daaaaaaaaaamn! Off panel: We're going to try electro-shock therapy. T-Rex (punchline): DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!

forget this, I'll just write a new comic! it's a family drama in which the prodigal daughter, Megaa, goes up against her uncle Snake, Gemini, Cut, Hard, and even Mr. Guts Mann.

T-Rex: Bruce Swain, my legally and creatively distinct character, moves to New York City! And his parents get shot by criminals, so he decides to change his name and fight crime! T-Rex: He decides he must become... Abe Atman! T-Rex: And Abe Atman has a friend, Joe Kerr, only Joe falls at work one day and suffers brain damage. He's - well, he's criminally insane. Abe tries to help him, but Joe keeps getting worse, falling in with criminals like Pen Guinn (car theft) and the one and only Rita Lerr (computer espionage)! Dromiceiomimus: Wait a minute... Pen Guinn? THE Rita Lerr? T-Rex: MAY I REMIND YOU MY CHARACTERS ARE LEGALLY AND CREATIVELY DISTINCT?? Utahraptor: T-Rex, did you even try making up your own characters? T-Rex: I did! Quite successfully, obvs! Utahraptor: No, what you've done is convert Batman names into semi-plausible given names. Why not write a story where Batman goes undercover as "Abe Atman"? At least that would be more honest. T-Rex: And the Riddler goes undercover as "Rita Lerr"! AND THEN THEY GO ON A DATE BY ACCIDENT! YES. THIS IS AMAZING. Narrator: SOON: NOBODY WANTS TO BUY T-REX'S HOME-MADE COMICS: T-Rex (punchline): Hey, God! Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know why people would buy other comics when mine has the Riddler in drag in it??

i'm pretty sure that's how it works?

Narrator: SOCIALISM COMICS! T-Rex: Oh-kay! Socialism is when people share the means of production and stuff. Everyone works together for the common good! T-Rex: ... for some reason! T-Rex: Haha! See what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? I implied that socialism is flawed because people don't really have a motivation to share with each other. Dromiceiomimus: It's a tragic flaw of our characters that we don't share as often, or as equally, as we should. T-Rex: Yeah, that - that was my joke. Utahraptor: Making fun of our fundamental flaws, are we? Classy! T-Rex: Hey! T-Rex: Holy, why is everyone so touchy about the tragic and fundamental flaws of their nature today? I'm sorry we all don't share enough, but I'm not going to IGNORE it and hope it goes away. I deal with the issues! Utahraptor: Not hardly! You can't deal with the "issue" of socialism by just summing it up in a few sentences! T-Rex: True! But I can sum it up in a play involving everyone wanting some of my delicious ice cream cone! Off panel: What? T-Rex (punchline): And then we all decide to pitch in and take over the ice cream cone factory?

SOMETIMES, THEY'RE DINOSAURS

T-Rex: Some folks got opinions, you guys! T-Rex: Some folks got opinions on what their genitals should be called, you guys! T-Rex: BY WAY OF AN EXAMPLE, "vagina" comes from Latin, where it means "sheath" - as in something that goes around a sword! And some people are like, check it, MY vagina does tons more than the passive "sheath" implies, so let's call it something else! Dromiceiomimus: "Check it"? T-Rex: That's what some people are like, Dromiceiomimus!! Utahraptor: But lots of the alternative names can be considered obscene, can't they? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: But they can also be entirely free from any quasi-insulting Latinate etymology the other words have. There's people trying to reclaim these currently-taboo words in the same way "queer" was! Utahraptor: Neat! But largely irrelevant to us, as our reproduction is not done through vaginal intercourse! Off panel: AS YOU KNOW, we achieve intercourse through a cloacal kiss, the cloaca being of course our single shared intestinal, urinary, AND reproductive tract opening! T-Rex: Yes, of course! *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): It is extremely erotic

FUN FACT: nothing says classy like horses in the background

Narrator: T-REX IS SITTING FOR HIS OFFICIAL PORTAIT: T-Rex: Paint faster, artists! I don't know if I can hold this awesome pose forever!! [no text] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It's gonna be SUCH an amazing painting, Dromiceiomimus! I realized the other day that I am a dude with some disposable income, and I could COMMISSION PAINTERS to create works of art for me! So I'm having a portrait of myself done as if I am a king from olden times, and I'm going to hang it up in my house. And in the background? HORSES. T-Rex: Ultra classy 2000! Utahraptor: It is a pretty terrific use of money! T-Rex: Thank you!! Utahraptor: It's way better than spending it on making the world a better place - T-Rex: - my painting will make my house, A PART OF THE WORLD, a better place - Utahraptor: - such as by sending aid to countries where many cannot afford food or even basic sanitation. Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR: TECHNICALLY CORRECT, BUT BEING A DICK ABOUT IT T-Rex: Oh my gosh! Utahraptor!! Can you read these words floating in the sky? T-Rex (punchline): Please say yes because they're TOTALLY on my side for once

you've got to be pretty sassy-assy to enroll in the monthly sassy-assy competition

T-Rex: ! T-Rex: Guys! I just had a revelation about God! For serious! T-Rex: God is all-knowing and all-seeing, right? So it follows - THROUGH LOGIC - that... that... Dromiceiomimus: Yes? T-Rex: That God has to be the biggest fanboy ever! Who knows more about every Star Trek episode than God? Who knows more about each and every comic, anime and manga series EVER CONCEIVED than God? He's like this ultimate obsessive fanboy nerd! Utahraptor: He even knows everything about VIDEO GAMES, T-Rex. T-Rex: *gasp* You're right! T-Rex: He has encyclopaedic knowledge about every RPG, MMORPG, FPS, RTS, TBS, and IF game ever made! Utahraptor: Hey. That was a lot of acronyms there. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: God, are you the biggest nerd? God: T-REX ARE YOU THE SASSIEST DINOSAUR T-Rex (punchline): Second-place in last month's Sassy-Assy Competition! God: SEE God: I KNEW THAT

my parties are more cautionary parables

T-Rex: Okay, so here's the plan! I send cards to all my friends giving them the first clue on a treasure hunt! T-Rex: Then, they go on the treasure hunt! T-Rex: Each clue leads them to a further clue in a new location, sending them on an across-town adventure! T-Rex: The final clue leads them to my house, where they find not only a party with potato chips and barbequed corn, but also the moral that the REAL treasure is friendship! T-Rex: (I like all my parties to have morals at the end!) T-Rex: Oh boy, this treasure hunt which I have just explained in detail including the twist at the end will be great! Utahraptor: Agreed! Utahraptor: And since the Dromiceiomimus and I already know what's going on, we can help! We should make it a block party, and invite everyone! T-Rex: Yeah, like in the fifties! Everybody was neighbourly in the fifties! T-Rex: And all the men wore hats while the women baked pies! Sure, we had the stability we craved after the turmoil of WWII, but - T-Rex (punchline): - at what cost? Repression both sexual and sociological left lasting scars, leading in many ways to the cultural self-doubt of the 60s but who cares, we've got to plan this party!

god's talking about the shaw play and not the greek myth. the greek myth is where this dude falls in love with a statue he made, and he gives it presents, but he's sad because the statue just stands there. but THEN it's a happy ending because the statue comes to life, and THEN, he sexes up the statue and has a kid with the statue!! ladies and gentlemen, the greek myths

T-Rex: You know that story where a classy guy takes a not-so-classy lady and then makes her classy? God: PYGMALION T-Rex: My Fair Lady, yeah! T-Rex: I think it's time for some My Fair Lady sequels! T-Rex: Like one where the lady from the first story takes a not-so-classy guy and sculpts HIM into total class! Dromiceiomimus: That's a bit obvious for a sequel, don't you think? T-Rex: Okay, so we mix it up some! The lady takes a not-so-classy guy and turns him into a classy LADY! Whoah, what just happened? I know I'M intrigued! Utahraptor: Why not write your own story? T-Rex: That's what I'm doing! T-Rex: The story of a not-so-classy person who becomes classy and then has some problems - it's as old as time, man! I'm riffing on the themes that have obsessed our culture since forever or at least since the 1900s. Utahraptor: That's not a bad point. Okay! I look forward to seeing what you come up with! Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: Utahraptor! All I've come up with is the name of the dude for when he becomes a classy lady: Professorita Henrietta Higginsfem! T-Rex: I'll tell you one thing! T-Rex (punchline): Writing is hard, but THAT is an excellent start!

you rub a lamp and a genie comes out. you guessed it: INSTA-INSANE.

Narrator: T-REX PRESENTS: JOKE... OR NIGHTMARE SCENARIO?? T-Rex: A chicken crosses the road and everyone demands you explain why this happened!! T-Rex: A blonde has used white out to correct a mistake on their computer screen. Regardless of hair colour, this person is to be your personal assistant. T-Rex: A horse walks into a bar and talks to the bartender, who calmly carries on a conversation with it. Everything you thought you knew about the world is crumbling around you. You can FEEL your sanity ending. Utahraptor: A man in a bar pulls a tiny pianist out of his pocket! T-Rex: Again, instant insanity. T-Rex: A salesman dies and appears before Saint Peter and the pearly gates to Heaven! Turns out God is real, the Bible is literally true, and you've KINDA been wearing clothing woven from two kinds of material since the day you were born. T-Rex and Utahraptor: Oh daaaaaang T-Rex: A stranger entreats you to answer how many black lesbian transsexuals it takes to screw in a lightbulb, and you can't think of a way to answer that question without sounding like a COMPLETELY TERRIBLE PERSON. T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): Good luck with that!!

james fedex has chucked your beer over a fence into a neighbour's yard and james fedex is wondering what the hell's your problem, bro

God: BAD NEWS T-REX God: TERRIBLE NEWS ACTUALLY God: FEDEX HAS BECOME A REAL PERSON T-Rex: Oh no. T-Rex: OH NO. T-Rex: James Fedex is your friend who promises (for real this time) that he'll DEFINITELY come over with some beer he owes you and party, only the best he can nail it down to is any point between 8 am and 6 pm today. So you stay home all day, but turns out you wasted your time because hahah he totally didn't show up! And when you call him to complain he straight-up lies, saying his records CLEARLY indicate he showed up and YOU just didn't answer the door! Utahraptor: And now he'll only give up your beer if you go to his house instead! T-Rex: AND HE LIVES IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE T-Rex: Why do we do this, Utahraptor? Why do we have such an unreliable and toxic person in our lives? Utahraptor: And why do we pay him to bring stuff to us in the first place? T-Rex: Wait. HE'S GETTING PAID? WHY WOULD ANYONE PAY THIS GUY FOR ANYTHING?? T-Rex (punchline): Oh my gosh, it's like, the only advantage of FedEx being a real person is that at least this way he'll ACTUALLY DIE SOMEDAY