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GENTLE READER, TAKE HEED

Narrator: A CAUTIONARY TALE FOR ALL THE CHILDREN T-Rex: Gosh, am I the ultimate friend? I am supportive and a good listener! I do favours and care and keep track of everything that's going on in my friends' lives. T-Rex: T-REX: THE ULTIMATE FRIEND? Dromiceiomimus: You're a good friend, T-Rex, but I'm not sure if you're the ultimate friend! It seems to ME that the ultimate friend would come over and do my dishes for me. T-Rex: Aha, my friend, but once again I said "the ultimate friend", not "the ultimate pushover"! But I'll still do your dishes sometimes, if I'm there! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! Utahraptor: Ultimate Friend, close your eyes and tell me what colour my eyes are! T-Rex: Easy! T-Rex: Your eyes are a distinctive shade of... icy blue!! Utahraptor: Nope! T-Rex: Piercing orange! Utahraptor: Nope! T-Rex (punchline): A chartreusey shade of puce? Utahraptor: Nobody's eyes are a chartreusey shade of puce. Narrator: THE END

to be fair, what DID happen with pooping? does anyone know??

T-Rex: We've been writing books for thousands of years! We've had THOUSANDS of years to perfect writing a book. T-Rex: Therefore, the books we have today are the peak of the art! T-Rex: But then I go into a bookstore and there are books called "Pooping: What Happened??" and I think maybe the peak of Mount Book isn't that high after all. But we've only been making video games for a few decades! THEREFORE, video games thousands of years from now are going to be literally insane. You will go insane at how good these games are, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: I look forward to it. T-Rex: As do I. Utahraptor: But every book is written by someone who died AT MOST 100 years later! T-Rex: Whatever, man! Utahraptor: My point is that books haven't had constant, directed development: rather, every author starts almost from scratch! And that's AFTER we waste our early years learning what a word even is. A metaphor: we're running a 10k race, and all we do is stumble around in those first 100 meters and then DIE. God: UM IF I'VE DONE THE MATH IN THAT METAPHOR CORRECTLY THE RACE IS ACTUALLY 10,000KM LONG T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Alright! I'm gonna go lie down and stare at the ceiling for a few hours, peace out everyone

he put them all in his mouth at once with both hands, and when the utahraptor came back and asked if he had something in his mouth he said 'mmm-muh' and shook his head

T-Rex: Yes, it's spring! Time to go for long walks in the springtime sun! T-Rex: It's extra nice, since today I have a full stomach! Life is good! T-Rex: Fancy meeting you here, Dromiceiomimus! Out for a walk in the springtime? Dromiceiomimus: I am, T-Rex, and you as well, I see! T-Rex: It is a popular pasttime on the first warm day of the year! Utahraptor: There you are, you jerk! You ate all my cookies last night! T-Rex: Ha ha, yep! Sure did! Utahraptor: I didn't invite you over to eat all my cookies, T-Rex! T-Rex: You went to the washroom and I was hungry! Let us just enjoy this fine day together! Utahraptor: I'm not going to enjoy it with you when you stole all my cookies, you scallywag! T-Rex: Whoah, hold up! T-Rex (punchline): "Scallywag"?

an alternate ending had t-rex selling his invention to the listless and depressed, promising to solve their emotional problems through chemical additives, but then i was like, ''is that funny? i don't know. better add some golf balls.''

T-Rex: I have perfected and bottled INSPIRATION! Take a swig! You'll feel INSPIRED. Narrator: BOTTLED INSPIRATION COMICS Dromiceiomimus: So - it's a perfume called "Inspiration" and you drink it, for some reason? T-Rex: No. No, it's nothing like that. It's actual bottled inspiration! I came up with it when I chemically and accidentally created just a little inspiration, and when I drank that, I was inspired to create more! There's a whole pool full of it back at my house. You can drown in it. Utahraptor: So what's in it, T-Rex? T-Rex: SECRETS! And chemicals. A mix of both, I guess. Utahraptor: I'm just a LITTLE hesitant to drink something you mixed up at home, especially when you don't know anything about chemistry. T-Rex: Whatever, dude! I know enough to come up with ingestible inspiration! It tastes like SUCCESS. God: T-REX I CHECKED OUT YOUR POOL AND IT'S JUST REGULAR WATER WITH GOLF BALLS FLOATING IN IT T-Rex (punchline): That's inspiring! I'm inspired! God: YOU DRANK GOLF BALLS

a guy who acts like a big weiner, or a guy who literally is a giant weiner? whichever is more hilarious; it is probably the latter

Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who need to end relationships Narrator: but who are TOTALLY STUMPED Narrator: METHOD 1: SAYING "IT'S OVER" T-Rex: It's OVER! Narrator: YEAH, LIKE THAT! Narrator: METHOD 2: SAYING "I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW" T-Rex: I've met someone new! Dromiceiomimus: Are they awesome? Maybe we could be friends! T-Rex: I hadn't expected the conversation to go this way, but... maybe? Narrator: METHOD 3: FAKING FOREIGN ACCENTS T-Rex: Vass ess das! Utahraptor: That's supposed to be - German? Narrator: HOW ABOUT SMS? YOU COULD ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE OVER SMS. T-Rex: Ridiculous. What are you going to say? "WE NEED TO BREAK UP ;)"? Utahraptor: "WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES! ;)" T-Rex: "SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT :0" Utahraptor: "R U COOL?? THIS CONVERSATION IS REALLY EXPENSIVE" Narrator: OKAY FINE T-REX, HOW ABOUT MATURELY DEALING WITH YOUR INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS? THAT IS HILARIOUS RIGHT T-Rex (punchline): That is kinda hilarious if it's like this big weiner guy doing that! Narrator: SUPER

where is my hugo award, please

Narrator: A FAILED EXPERIMENT HAS CAUSED TIME TO BECOME UNGLUED! T-Rex: Oh no! Narrator: EFFECT PRECEDES CAUSE! T-Rex: It's a disaster! Narrator: CAN NOTHING BE DONE TO RESTORE THE NATURAL ORDER? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, this is no time to begin stomping on houses! T-Rex: What? I already stomped on it like five seconds ag- T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS Narrator: IS THE WORLD DOOMED? Utahraptor: T-Rex! I have a desperate plan to save us all! T-Rex: Hooray! Narrator: OUR LAST, BEST HOPE: Utahraptor: All we have to do is re-run the temporal experiment BACKWARDS, thereby forcing time back into its usual lattice inversion structure! T-Rex: That sounds just scientific enough to work! Narrator: BUT THAT MAKES THINGS WORSE THAN EVER! EVERYBODY IS GOING TO BECOME A BABY OR SOMETHING! T-Rex: Let my last words be an invective against the words "blog" and "blogosphere"! T-Rex (punchline): I have lived as few men dared dream!

cathy's last panel is text-heavy irony

T-Rex: Last night I built myself a machine... T-Rex: ... a time machine! T-Rex: This time machine is a watch, one that allows me to travel through time at the fantastic rate of one second per second! T-Rex: It will show me what tomorrow is like, tomorrow! T-Rex: (What a great adventure!) Utahraptor: That sounds like a pretty useless time machine! T-Rex: Hey! Utahraptor: Besides, everybody knows that the smart way to build a time machine is to spend your life building it, but then have your future self send it back in time to you right now, thereby saving you the effort! You've been wasting your time! T-Rex: What? Narrator: SUDDENLY, THIS COMIC'S PUNCHLINE, AND THAT OF THE SYNDICATED COMIC STRIP "CATHY", ARE SWITCHED! T-Rex (punchline): Ack!

I don't wanna see any of your ladyboners OR manboners poppin' at Steve's funeral; I'll say that right now. He had a FAMILY.

T-Rex: THE EROTIC VAMPIRE STORY, by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: Steve was a man who liked his vampires like he liked his women: T-Rex: POWERFULLY EROTIC?? T-Rex: Luckily, he was in luck! There was a vampire in front of him who was very erotic. If you were to rank her eroticness from 0 to 10 she would be a 10 probably. Her body was very "hot" in the metaphorical sense and Steve liked thinking sex-ideas about it. What would it be like to, you know, have sexual relations with her? He kinda wanted to find out! Utahraptor: "He kinda wanted to find out"? T-Rex: He kinda did! Honestly! T-Rex (punchline): He decided to straight-up ask her to seduce him so he'd be naked and "ready" for sex. But the vampire bit him on the neck instead! It was not erotic. Those bites KILL YOU. How is that sexy? A dude died: put your boners away. God. Show some respect. Utahraptor: Oh. Okay. Narrator: THE END

"Frigorific"! It is a fantastic word. It is a word you take home to Mom. It is a word that you put in place of your last name to test out what marriage with this word will be like. Ryan Frigorific.

T-Rex: I found out about the best word yesterday: "frigorific"! It means "cold". With this word I can now finally say the sentence, "DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!" T-Rex: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE. Dromiceiomimus: "Frigorific" is actually old news, T-Rex! It was Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day last - Thursday, I think? T-Rex: You know what? Screw those guys, man! I don't even care if it WAS their Word of the Day last week. It's my Word of the Day TODAY. T-Rex: Anyway, who trusts a Word of the Day chosen by the publisher of a DICTIONARY? Utahraptor: Basically everyone? T-Rex: It's ridiculous! It's like asking Kellogg's what their Cereal of the Day is. Hey, here's a hint! I BET IT'LL BE A CEREAL MANUFACTURED BY KELLOGG'S! Utahraptor: But M-W will obviously choose words in the dictionary! T-Rex: THEIR dictionary, not THE dictionary! There's like 80 billion words they've never heard about. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: See? I couldn't find "sexplosive", "mathemagician" "backne", OR "ambisextrous"! Off panel: I'm pretty sure my life is better without those words. T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor! No one has ever said that about "ambisextrous"!

and i'm PRETTY SURE I could add on a few more nines, history peeps

T-Rex: Silent films are crazy. They're crazy! The whole medium doesn't make any sense! T-Rex: We're supposed to believe we figured out how to capture and replay VIDEO before nailing down sound?? T-Rex: SOUND IS THE LOW-HANGING FRUIT. If silent films didn't exist and someone invented them in a science fiction story, I would write the author an email with subject line "RE: Silent motion pictures" and message body "PUH-LEASE." But somehow they actually did exist in real life, so in conclusion, our timeline is totally ridiculous and embarrassing. T-Rex: It's embarrassing! I'm embarrassed! Utahraptor: But we did know how to record sound before we invented film! T-Rex: Aw man! Then we're even dumber!! T-Rex: Nobody thought to combine the two for over a DECADE? Shove a record player into a movie camera! PATENT PLEASE?? Utahraptor: The problem was amplification and getting the two in sync, not that nobody had thought to "cram one into the other." T-Rex: ...Oh. That makes sense. T-Rex: ATTENTION, HISTORY PEEPS: I'm sorry I just assumed I'm smarter than you since I'm from the present! I don't think we're THAT smart in the present, it's just - T-Rex (punchline): Shoot, it's just 99.99999% of stupid things were done in the past is all

EVERY HUMAN ON THE PLANET levitates off into the sky, except those living in certain places where there's almost no magnetic force, and others may just find they can jump higher but don't float away. And it may be more of a "sideways" force than an "upwards force" at the equator but STILL. Not bad?

T-Rex: Because the planet spins, the earth's liquid core acts as a dynamo, generating a magnetic field! And magnetism can do some cool stuff, but at our current rotational speed we only get about 60 microteslas of force, which ISN'T MUCH. T-Rex: A stupid fridge magnet alone is 80 times stronger, and those are BORING! T-Rex: But check it: multiply the Earth's magnetic field by a quarter of a million times, and you've got magnetic force to mess with the electrons in a frog's atoms enough that it LEVITATES. The average frog weighs 1/4000th of a human, so therefore with a billion times the earth's magnetic field, EVERY HUMAN T-Rex: ON THE PLANET T-Rex: WOULD LEVITATE OFF INTO THE SKY. T-Rex: So let's assume the planet's magnetic field increases linearly with rotation! Utahraptor: Sure, why not? Utahraptor: Then to get your desired magnetic field you just need the planet to spin a billion times faster - at which point each day would last, oh I don't know, about 40 MILLIONTHS of a second. T-Rex: Well frig!! At that speed the planet would tear itself apart anyway! I'm wasting my time! T-Rex: If I can tear the planet apart, there's got to be easier ways to get a tiny woman off my couch! THAT'S RIGHT TINY WOMAN, I NOTICED YOU HANGING OUT ON MY COUCH; IT WEIRDED ME OUT AND I STARTED DOING MATH T-Rex: ANYWAY T-Rex (punchline): "HERE WE ARE"

i totally dated a med student once! pretty hot!

T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! T-Rex: I know secrets! T-Rex: SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! Narrator: T-REX IN: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION Dromiceiomimus: Oh, is this one of those dumb Conspiracy Secrets, wherein fluoride is actually designed to induce pregnancy in freshly married women or something? T-Rex: What? T-Rex: [thinks] Huh? Utahraptor: So what's the secret? T-Rex: Oh right! Well, the secret is that when doctors and nurses are "taking your pulse", they're NOT actually doing that! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Really! They're actually discreetly observing your breathing. They do it on the sly because if you're aware of it, it changes! Off panel: Aw man, way to ruin me for any doctor! Now I might have a respiratory problem and I'LL NEVER KNOW. T-Rex (punchline): Hah hah! I am an agent of CHAOS!

it would sound like *puff* *puff* aaaaAAAARRRRGHGGHGGGGHHHHHH *POP!*

T-Rex: You know what's funny? T-Rex: Death! T-Rex: Hah hah! Cause you're just walking along, and then it's "Whoops! I'm DEAD!" T-Rex: Eh, Dromiceiomimus? T-Rex: "Whoops!" Utahraptor: That's not funny, T-Rex! It's tragic! T-Rex: What, death? Utahraptor: Yes, death! Would you find it so funny if you died? T-Rex: Well, my friend: that depends. Did I die in a funny way? For instance, did I smoke a cigarette, and then my eyes exploded? T-Rex: Hah hah! The dangers of smoking! T-Rex (punchline): Seriously though, you should quit.

T-Rex's Plan A to make life interesting begins with preparing food in the nude

T-Rex: Last night I started to write my autobiography! However, I had to stop after a while because, as it turns out, my life is NOT THAT INTERESTING. T-Rex: Imagine my dismay at coming to such a realization! T-Rex: Therefore, I have resolved to make my life better "copy" and will, from now on, style my activities such that they'll be appealing to a hypothetical audience! T-Rex: I will be forever on stage, performing! Utahraptor: This is a very common fantasy among children! T-Rex: Oh yes? Utahraptor: Yeah! It's the idea that they're being watched on TV or by aliens or something. Not only does it make one feel important, but it's comforting to think that someone is there to share in your victories and defeats. T-Rex: I imagine that is very true! God: HEY T-REX IF YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE THINGS INTERESTING THIS CONVERSATION TOTALLY ISN'T HELPING T-Rex (punchline): God!! Hey, want to watch me go spice things up when I make... NAKED SUB SANDWICHES? God: I'M COOL

they just place it next to the wound and wait! wait, hold on, i'm hearing reports that some of you were not expecting maggot-themed dinosaur laffs today??

T-Rex: Sometimes if you have a festering wound, doctors will prescribe maggots! Certain breeds only eat dead tissue and ignore healthy tissue, which cleans out the wound at a level a surgeon simply couldn't! NICE. Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION Dromiceiomimus: That's no secret, T-Rex! Maggot debridement has been around since antiquity. T-Rex: Sure, but not ALL maggots only eat dead tissue! Sometimes if you leave a wound untreated, maggots that eat ANYTHING will hatch and live there. It's gross. I think we can all agree that physical bodies are gross, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: No argument here Utahraptor: So go to the hospital and have them removed! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But removing them can be tricky, as if they burst infection can follow. IF ONLY there was some secret way to lure maggots out of a wound, something SO DELICIOUS - so IRRESISTIBLE that not a single member of the animal kingdom can resist its wonderfu- Utahraptor: Is it bacon? T-Rex (punchline): It's bacon, yeah. Banner: BACON - Delicious in a sandwich - Great at wound maggot removal - Still 0 grams of trans fat per serving -

what does Science have to say on the matter?

Sign: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our letter to Professor Science comes from me! I write: T-Rex: "Dear Professor: How do I know which food that I ate got turned into my eyes?" T-Rex: I really thought I wrote that one better. Wow. T-Rex: Anyway, what I meant was this: how do we know what food we ate contributed to which parts of our bodies? Put simply, Professor, last week I ate a salami sandwich. I have but one simple question: IS THAT SALAMI NOW MY BRAIN?? Utahraptor: Well, I imagine proteins are digested and used in different ways! T-Rex: Unsatisfactory!! T-Rex: I want to know precisely where my meals will end up before I eat them! You know what my dream is? My dream is to pick out a lobster in a tank and say "Oh, I'll have that one, the one on the right. Yes. Have him boiled; I will consume his flesh. I will turn him into eyeballs." Utahraptor: Huh. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I have a new science question, Professor!! T-Rex: Is - T-Rex (punchline): [small] Is it wrong to want things that are terrible?

even the word "bosoms" is dumb! what is with this friggin' universe anyway.

T-Rex: Building a time machine is hard! T-Rex: But maybe, building a machine to go to an alternate universe: NOT SO HARD?? T-Rex: See, Dromiceiomimus, my new plan is to visit alternate universes to take back objects and ideas from them! Hopefully that will be much easier than using godless science to violate the natural laws of time? Dromiceiomimus: So it's the same old "steal technology from the future" idea? T-Rex: A little! But a lot of alternate universes would probably be at about the same tech level. What I'm really interested in is culture! Utahraptor: You're hoping that in alternate universes, you'll get alternate versions of Hamlet! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: That's a great example. Shakespeare wrote some fantastic plays, but there's only so many of them. But infinite parallel Shakespeares on infinite parallel typewriters pretty much have to give us some terrific pieces of literature! Utahraptor: New ideas and themes from the Bard WOULD really be something! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN UNIVERSE X95: T-Rex: Shakespeare is the greatest author in history, but all he's written is 38 plays and 154 sonnets about "how much [he] likes to gaze at yonder bosoms"! T-Rex (punchline): Sometimes I feel like the only purpose of our whole universe is to act as a warning for others

raw dinosaur handsomeness probably, huh?

T-Rex: Okay, I hate to be the one to say it, but I must be pretty great because I just had ANOTHER brilliant idea about time travel! Suppose it's possible to send a message BACK IN TIME. T-Rex: And suppose causality still holds, so that events in the past determine the future! T-Rex: So when I send a message to Past T-Rex, he'll act on it - and that'll change the universe that I, Present T-Rex, live in! So presumably now I'd send a different message back in time, which will again change how past T-Rex acts. We've got an unstable loop of constantly changing timelines, but it SHOULD proceed towards an equilibrium! Utahraptor: And the simplest equilibrium is that no message is sent at all? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: I send a message that makes Past Me decide not to send a message back in time. When he reaches the present, no message is sent, and the universe reverts to how it was originally! Time travel might ERASE ITSELF every time it happens! Utahraptor: Wow! That's amazing! Too bad Larry Niven came up with it already. T-Rex: Larry Niven already invented T-Rex's Law? That's crazy! T-Rex (punchline): ...Why do you think he named it after me?

t-rex is part of the nascent movement that believes songs like louie louie and the benny hill theme ("yakety sax") can be used in moments of serious drama. in space.

T-Rex: You know who hasn't written a screenplay for a while? God: MOST PEOPLE T-Rex: But especially me!! T-Rex: And that's going to change right now! T-Rex: Okay, so the scene opens in a spaceship and it's the future! The ship is this huge mechanical leviathan, all pipes and metal catwalks, unfriendly, imposing. And it's drifting in deep space! The engines have overloaded and blown up. This is all explained in the opening musical montage, set to "Louie Louie"! Dromiceiomimus: It's comedy? T-Rex: Um, no! It's science fiction DRAMA. "Louie Louie" is just a really good song. T-Rex: So after this dramatic montage we're on the bridge, where the Captain is! Utahraptor: What's his story? T-Rex: Well, he's a gruff man, but he knows his spaceships. His name? Captain Flannigan O'Spaceships. Utahraptor: Captain O'Spaceships. T-Rex: Yes. He's yelling "Status!" and there's a dramatic strings version of "Red Red Wine" playing. It's a very tense scene! Narrator: LATER: HOLLYWOOD! Off panel: Kid, most screenplays are written down, not described verbally. T-Rex (punchline): True! But sir, I think you'll find that you're forced to agree: THIS ISN'T MOST SCREENPLAYS. Off panel: If I agree that doesn't mean I have to produce it though right

you need to postulate a meta-time for such things to work, i mean COME ON

T-Rex: I no longer wish to die someday! It's true! I have decided that aging is for CHUMPS. T-Rex: And as a non-chump, this means I must find a way to be immortal! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, we've gone over this before! Remember? Immortality could violate conservation of energy laws? Science means that not all dreams can come true? T-Rex: This is true! But I have found a LOOPHOLE. A loophole... in science! Utahraptor: Mind describing this "loophole", T-Rex? T-Rex: Sure! I will simply freeze TIME ITSELF. T-Rex: That way we ALL get to live forever without breaking any universal laws! Watch! Utahraptor: Wait, WAIT! We'll never be able to become unfrozen, because that action requires time!! T-Rex (punchline): I'm sure I have no idea what you're tal- Narrator: TIMELESS AGES LATER:

maybe it's just me, but *I* happen to like it when our nation's elders tell me i'm doing a good job

T-Rex: Who here wants to make out? Because I want to make out! T-Rex: I want to make out like a bandit! T-Rex: Bandits: mysterious, dangerous, good at crimes, really good at pressin' lips together and moving them around a bit! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe with a li'l tongue? T-Rex: Ooh! Maybe?? Utahraptor: The expression means you got away with something, not that you kissed super well! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: That's what it meant in history, before we (the YOUNG generation) invented makeouts!! Consider that expression's semantics: UPDATED. Utahraptor: Ah, so WE invented makeouts. Our generation was the first one to come up with them. T-Rex: Absolutely!! T-Rex (punchline): Look man, you can live in a world where your parents made out just like you do, or you can live in a world where seniors are really jealous of our imaginations and the things we invented to do with our mouths

while trying to write the title text for this comic i said out loud ''i need some title text!'', and my brother yelled ''that's not all you need!'' from his room. ouch! what the hell, victor?

Narrator: BAD KISSES COMICS Narrator: featuring t-rex: dinosaur, protagonist, erstwhile smoocher T-Rex: Here are some bad kisses I have had. Boy howdy! T-Rex: KISS THE FIRST: one time I was SERIOUSLY kissing a lady and thought of how bad it would be if I started laughing right then, and the image of her being SO PISSED at me was so funny that I laughed right into her mouth! 16 months later, we broke up. COINCIDENCE?? Dromiceiomimus: Hey! You've laughed in my mouth too! T-Rex: Don't try to change me, baby! T-Rex: KISS THE SECOND: one time I kissed a woman who just threw up? Utahraptor: EwwwwWWWW! T-Rex: Well I didn't KNOW she'd just thrown up! She tried to warn me. Utahraptor: What'd she say? T-Rex: "Wait, I just threw - ", and then we were smoochin'! I THOUGHT she was going to say, "...out all doubts I had about our kissing in the near future." T-Rex (punchline): I miss her

neeeeeeeeeeeeeeat

Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Good, nobody's around. Now I can do something REALLY embarrassing! [T-Rex has a black bar over his eyes] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It occurs to me: every time I do something private, I'm REALLY just betting that technology to look into the arbitrary past won't ever be developed. Because if it is ever invented, game over, man, game over! People will be able to look at any moment in history! T-Rex: Folks will know all of my embarrassing little SECRETS. Utahraptor: Actually, T-Rex, there's been a few stories written on that theme: Asimov and Clarke both wrote one! Utahraptor: The technology means the end of all privacy, but also the end of most violent crime... T-Rex (punchline): Okay YEAH I read them! All I'm saying is it just takes this tech to be developed ONCE, at any point in the future, and my privacy is pooched. Friggin' dudes watching me poop 20,000 years in the future. Narrator: TWENTY-THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Off panel: I don't know why he thought we'd want to watch him poop. Off panel: Yeah, it's weird! Off panel: Let's just do it though

'conspiracies!!' is said in much the same way as one might say 'ice cream!!' on a warm summer's day

Narrator: THE COSO ARTIFACT T-Rex: ...is totally amazing, you guys! Totally amazing. T-Rex: It's a SPARK PLUG that was discovered encased in solid rock! T-Rex: So awesome. A spark plug found inside a geode, surrounded by material that would have taken 500,000 years to collect! Is this truly CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE that we will one day visit the distant past, and drop spark plugs in sediment while we're at it? I would argue "Definitely, dudes!" I would argue that there can be no other explanation and I would argue that it's gonna be great. Utahraptor: The "Coso Artifact" wasn't found in a geode, T-Rex! T-Rex: It wasn't? Utahraptor: It was found in a concretion, and I'm sorry to tell you that those can develop in only a few years! There are marshes in England with WWII-era bombs encased in concretions as well. It's cool, but it's not proof of time travellers! T-Rex: Man. Logical explanations keep letting me down!! God: T-REX HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT UTAHRAPTOR ISN'T THE TIME TRAVELLER WHO LOST THE SPARK PLUG IN THE DISTANT PAST IN THE FIRST PLACE God: MAYBE HE'LL SAY ANYTHING TO COVER IT UP T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex (punchline): Conspiracies!!

PROBABLY three women are thrice as nice is the conclusion here

God: T-REX HOW COME YOUR IDEA OF ULTIMATE MANLINESS INVOLVES HIGH FIVING THREE WOMEN AT ONCE T-Rex: I dunno. Probably because it's awesome! T-Rex: As the saying goes, "three women are thrice as nice"! God: OKAY YEAH PROBABLY BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU EQUATE MANLINESS WITH POLYAMORY AND I FIND THAT REALLY INTERESTING T-Rex: Oh, with high fives standing in for sex? It's not THAT interesting. Our culture equates virility with manliness and so, hey presto, someone who can get more people pregnant is manlier! It's super dumb, because getting someone pregnant isn't difficult! People do it accidentally ALL THE TIME. Utahraptor: I really don't see this "pregnancies induced equals manliness" connection! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yes, really. I don't see the paragon of manhood as being able to successfully deliver sperm to the most eggs. It's a very literally biological view of manliness, you know? I think we as a gender can aim higher. T-Rex: Fine, Utahraptor, what's your manliest man then? Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR'S MANLIEST MAN: Off panel: Someone who is able to lead well, but also is able to admit to and correct their mistakes. T-Rex: weaaaaaaaak Off panel: Also, someone who doesn't heckle his friends when he disagrees. T-Rex (punchline): that's not meeeeeee

okay cannibals in my audience listen i'm sorry but i'm pretty sure you aren't throwing in with the laws of god and man

Narrator: ONE MORNING, A REVELATION: T-Rex: Having a shower is like admitting you get dirty! T-Rex: And - and going to the bathroom is like admitting you need to go to the bathroom sometimes! Going to bed is like admitting you get tired! EATING is like admitting you get HUNGRY. Being a cannibal is like admitting you don't throw in with the laws of God and man! T-Rex: That's it! Utahraptor: What do you mean, "that's it"? T-Rex: That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation. Utahraptor: Well - you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory. Narrator: LATER! God: T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor says I don't! God: AWWWWW SHOOT

if you are a dude who thinks puberty actually is a nightmare, then sorry for reminding you :(

T-Rex: I've never had a nightmare! Or at least, I've never remembered them and they've never been enough to wake me up, which amounts to pretty much the same thing. T-Rex: I'd like to have some nightmares, please! T-Rex: I want some consequence-free scares and that sense of that irrational creeping terror that I really don't get in my day-to-day life. Dromiceiomimus: Nightmares aren't really that great, T-Rex. Bad things happen to people you like. T-Rex: Oh, I know! I know. I just feel a little left out when everyone gets to have nightmares but me! I feel... I feel like the only girl in grade 8 who hasn't hit puberty yet. Utahraptor: That strikes me as an odd analogy, T-Rex! T-Rex: Does it? Utahraptor: Yeah. I don't - I don't understand what you're going for with it. Why are you a girl? And why would you compare puberty to a nightmare in the first place? You've had some success with it. T-Rex: Hah! I SURE have. Narrator: EARLY SUCCESSES IN PUBERTY: T-Rex: Hey, I have unfocused, confusing sexual desires! T-Rex (punchline): Alright!

you know how sometimes you have an idea for a pun and you just run with it against everyone else's good advice? THIS IS ONE SUCH A TIME MY PRETTIES

T-Rex: I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious. T-Rex: Hooray for punch! Dromiceiomimus: Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? T-Rex: QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. Dromiceiomimus: Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand! T-Rex: Oh God yes. Narrator: AT THE PARTY: T-Rex: Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. Utahraptor: Okay, T-Rex! Utahraptor: All you're doing is talking about delicious punch! Why not just go get some? T-Rex: Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go and get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! Utahraptor: Okay then! Narrator: SOON! T-Rex: Is this the punch line? Off panel: This is the line for the bathroom! T-Rex (punchline): So - you're saying there IS no punch line?

TRUE FACTS: i can think of no great painting that can be described as "the one where the woman is - surfing?" THE BIRTH OF VENUS DOESN'T COUNT SHE'S JUST SORT OF STANDING THERE AND THERE'S NOT EVEN ANY WICKED WAVES

T-Rex: Today I will be a patron of the ARTS. Yes. That is a classy thing to be. T-Rex: Women LOVE patrons! T-Rex: They love 'em! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, have you noticed the arts lately? I have, and, as a patron, I find them to be very engaging AND artistic... on SEVERAL levels. Dromiceiomimus: Name one painting that's not the Mona Lisa, The Scream, Starry Night, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, or the one with the dour couple holding the pitchfork. T-Rex: Um. The one where the woman - is... surfing? Utahraptor: Should've done your research, dude! T-Rex: Whatever! I can come up with painting names later! Utahraptor: No, so you'd know that a "patron of the arts" doesn't just mean you go to galleries. It means you give a significant amount of money to support art and artists! It's where you put your disposable income. T-Rex: What? Screw that! MY DISPOSABLE INCOME IS ALL EARMARKED FOR ONE PURPOSE! T-Rex: THAT PURPOSE IS TO MAKE ME HAPPIER T-Rex: THROUGH THE PURCHASE OF THINGS T-Rex: THAT ONLY SERVE TO MAKE ME POORER T-Rex (punchline): I'M GONNA STOP TALKING NOW AND RE-EVALUATE SOME DECISIONS OKAY

dude, my nostalgia's so layered that photoshop crashes whenever i open the file

T-Rex: Today is the day I move into a new house! But it's also the day I say goodbye to the old place, where I've lived for years and years. I feel like someone slipped me a nostalgia-sauce sandwich! T-Rex: A nostalgia-sauce sandwich of FREEBASED NOSTALGIA PILLS. Dromiceiomimus: By which I take it you're nostalgic already? T-Rex: Dude, my nostalgia's so deep that KIERKEGAARD'S still struggling through chapter one. Check it: when I move out, not only am I leaving behind the place, but I'm also leaving behind who I was when I lived there. But since I haven't moved out yet, that's still who I am right now! Somehow, Dromiceiomimus, I've developed nostalgia for MYSELF. Utahraptor: But you'll always have memories, both of past/currently present you and of the place! T-Rex: Hah! MEMORIES. T-Rex: All the memories I have - both of the place AND of myself when I lived there - cannot help but to fade and alter with time, becoming truncated, inconsistent, impressionary... Utahraptor: I suppose when you break it down that way, you are leaving behind quite a bit. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway the place got flooded with cold sewage so whatever

don't even bother filling it in. it's better that way! if you have to fill it in, write much too big so that the last letters get all piled in together at the end, okay?

Narrator: I GUESS I HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT even though we didn't have sex Narrator: A WEB CARD T-Rex: Classy, dude! T-Rex: Anyway, dear recipient of this card: the sender had a good time last night, even though you didn't have sex with him! You don't NEED to have sex to have a good time. Just like me! Dromiceiomimus: Yesterday you told me you wanted your epitaph to be "T-Rex Always Needed Sex To Have A Good Time." T-Rex: It's just - it's such bad timing that you would mention that right now, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: Did you seriously say you wanted that as your epitaph? T-Rex: I was joking! T-Rex: If I have an epitaph I want it to be "Here Lies T-Rex / He Was Great / Actually Hold On A Second / He's Still Alive." Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Alright then. Well. Back to the card, huh? T-Rex: Dear card recipient, the sender had a good time last night, even though you two didn't have sex! I'm going to say your name now to show how personalized this card is. T-Rex: Here I go! T-Rex (punchline): " "

i couldn't believe the name 'teen magazeen' wasn't already taken

T-Rex: Hmm... T-Rex: [starts daydreaming] Magazine cover: Time Magazine cover: Person of the Year Magazine cover: T-Rex takes it up a notch T-Rex: [stops daydreaming] T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: Maybe I should just accept that I'll never be on the cover of a magazine! Utahraptor: Why would you ever want to be on the cover of a magazine? T-Rex: Because it means you're famous! Utahraptor: Well, if that's your idea of fame, why not just publish your own magazine and put your face on the cover? T-Rex (punchline): Hey! Yeah! I'll make my own magazine! AND it'll be my magazine for TEENS! Utahraptor: Aw, no, no! Not that teen magazine idea again! [magazine cover with hot pink sans-serif text] Magazine cover: teen magazine by t-rex Magazine cover: “friends with benefits”: pretty hot Magazine cover: are you fully aware of sex? maybe not? Magazine cover: special feature: stories where people lose their pants and are thus embarrassed Magazine cover: PLUS: understanding europe

NOT THAT I CAN BLAME YOU

God: T-REX LET'S TALK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT ALL VIDEOGAMES ARE ACTUALLY JUST MURDER SIMULATORS T-Rex: It's Controversy Monday! T-Rex: Controversy Monday is the day when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion! God: YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD T-Rex: Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible? God: UM God: NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY Utahraptor: Are we to discount these people, though? T-Rex: Yes! They're CRAZY. Utahraptor: Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all! T-Rex: TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying that if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born... T-Rex: ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries! Off panel: I was just preparing for Controversy Monday! T-Rex (punchline): YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES

this may be a man solution in search of a man problem

T-Rex: Oh man, I'm still a little tired from last night! T-Rex: Time to go and get some HEARTY MAN SLEEP! Dromiceiomimus: "Hearty man sleep"? T-Rex: Damn straight, Dromiceiomimus! I am recently ALL ABOUT adding "man" in front of things to make them sound all the more manly. You should see me man snooze! I man snooze with a pure MAN FURY. Utahraptor: Does this work for "woman" too? T-Rex: Possibly! T-Rex: But I definitely have no interest in finding out! All I want to do today is have lots of man naps and stomp on things with my stern man foot. Utahraptor: That's your call, I guess! Off panel: By the way, "man naps" sounds pretty suggestive! T-Rex: I know, but I can't figure out a way to stop that! T-Rex (punchline): I live with my man failings.

the letter n: rationed in ancient greece? logic say no but the word 'imitatio' says yes

T-Rex: Writing can be hard, especially if you have to write something new! But not if you're an ancient Greek, because then you can fall back to imitatio! T-Rex: DIONYSIAN imitatio! T-Rex: The idea here is that there's a dude named Dionysius who decided that everything worthwhile saying has already been said, but maybe, just MAYBE, it hasn't been said well enough? So you stand on the shoulders of giants and read what they wrote and say "Calm down everybody, I got this" and then you rewrite it! Literature gets better over time as authors rewrite great works over and over again! Utahraptor: So - remix culture! T-Rex: Kinda! T-Rex: Though remixes usually don't replace the original. Here you want progress over time, so you remix, and the remix gets remixed, and then 1000 years later you've produced the ULTIMATE REMIX and then everyone goes home because culture's over. Utahraptor: Let's do this! Let's remix a single thing over and over! T-Rex: "Twinkle twinkle little star"! Off panel: "Sparkle sparkle, tiny space light!" T-Rex: "Atmosphere can distort starlight, but actually, the light is consistent." Off panel: "Sometimes I wonder if this is what I was meant to be doing in life" T-Rex (punchline): Holy crap!! This remix... JUST GOT REAL

you want dinosaur comics, you got dinosaur comics

T-Rex: Did you know that human babies don't even come out with teeth? T-Rex: It's totally true! They're like - all gums! T-Rex: "But then how do they catch their prey?" you ask? Easy: they don't! Dromiceiomimus: They don't? T-Rex: Nope! INSTEAD, they feed off the juices they suck out of their mother's chest! T-Rex: ...Mammals, man. T-Rex: "Mammals". Utahraptor: Dude, are you being mammals racist? T-Rex: No, I love mammals! I just think they're UNUSUAL, and weirdly big into mammaries. They're so big into mams that they put it right in their name! Utahraptor: Well, we're "dinosaurs". T-Rex: Exactly! TERRIBLE (IN THE POWERFUL SENSE) LIZARDS. We don't define ourselves by our BOOBS. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): Also our skeletons look way more badass, not trying to start a fight here just stating facts

why does vin diesel walk on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs in the evening? ANSWER: vin diesel is a cat who has come to represent humanity

T-Rex: Riddles! Everyone loves riddles, and I HAVE GOT A RIDDLE FOR YOU. Vin Diesel was walking down the street and found $50. Instead of taking it, he went into town and stole a fish! What the hell? T-Rex: ANSWER: Vin Diesel is a cat! Dromiceiomimus: Wait. Why was Vin Diesel involved again? T-Rex: Maybe you'll like this one better! Vin Diesel is pushing his car when he stopped outside a hotel and immediately went bankrupt. What the hell?? Dromiceiomimus: Vin Diesel - T-Rex: Correct! Vin Diesel is a cat who has learned to play Monopoly. Utahraptor: Here's one for you, T-Rex! A beautiful human woman has sex with Vin Diesel. T-Rex: Interesting! Utahraptor: Now she's going to jail! T-Rex: Oh man what the hell?? Is Vin Diesel a cat? Utahraptor: Correct! T-Rex: OH MY GOD, THAT'S SUCH A GOOD RIDDLE! T-Rex: Vin Diesel ate a spider and then threw up on my living room floor! What the hell?? T-Rex (punchline): Cat and riddle time is OVER; this is an actual life challenge I must wrestle with

otherwise known as "that's right, i'll say 'bitches' if i'm alone in an empty room!! not TOO loudly though"

T-Rex: Who wants to party? Because THIS GUY is totally ready to party. T-Rex: I am this guy, in case that wasn't clear! Dromiceiomimus: Well, I'd love to party with you, T-Rex, but I'm actually on my way in to work. T-Rex: Well I'd love to party with YOU, Dromiceiomimus, but you're making that REALLY HARD. I don't even know if your work lets friends party there!! Utahraptor: Her work probably doesn't let friends party there. T-Rex: ...Yeah. T-Rex: But you're down to party, right? Ol' Utahraptor, "always down to party"! Utahraptor: Not today! I've got to run some errands. T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex: Okay. Narrator: LATER: A PARTY OF ONE! T-Rex: Otherwise known as "eating chips alone on the couch". T-Rex (punchline): Otherwise known as NO REGRETS, BITCHES!!

how many pastry chefs have said god's line in panel one? shucks, all of 'em i hope

T-Rex: Today is the day I cook a meal for all my friends! You're coming, right God? God: YEP FOR SURE I LOVE TO EAT MY OWN CREATIONS T-Rex: ...Okay, great! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you're coming too, right? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! What are you making? T-Rex: A themed dish for every guest! Yours is on the theme of "vegetarian ornithomimidae". Dromiceiomimus: Appropriate! Utahraptor: Ooh! What's my dish's theme? T-Rex: "Gay". T-Rex: It'll be delicious! "Here's some gay," I'll say! "Eat up!" Utahraptor: I'm not sure if that's offensive. I think it might be offensive! Maybe? I guess it depends on what food you think best represents "gay". Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Well? Do you like it? Off panel: It's a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal, and inside the box you put a note that says "DUDES". T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): Utahraptor your theme was REALLY TOUGH

i took the final words of this comic from the final words of the one guy who ever witnessed a dude jump over a pit of bad dudes on a motorcycle, and then while he was over the pit he hopped off the motorcycle and punched out all the bad dudes, and then he hopped back on the motorcycle, WHILE IT WAS STILL FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.

T-Rex: I have gained provisional access to a shortwave radio! Last night I was flipping around and discovered a NUMBERS STATION. Question: how excellent is that? T-Rex: Answer: TOTALLY EXCELLENT?? T-Rex: If you're unfamiliar with them, Dromiceiomimus, number stations are radio stations that play pre-recorded voices reciting long strings of numbers, often with a short musical cue beginning or ending the segments. They are encoded communication often meant for spies, encrypted using one-time pads! Dromiceiomimus: Neat! T-Rex: I KNOW. T-Rex: I love that I live in a world where I can hear actual secret messages for spies! Utahraptor: What are they like? T-Rex: Entertaining and affecting and surreal. Man! Can you imagine waking up one day and finding that all the radio stations have been replaced by a little girl's voice reading out endless strings of numbers? It would be GREAT. Utahraptor: And menacing. T-Rex: And GREAT. T-Rex: It would be like, "Hey, I wonder what's on the radio? Oh, it's '39398 32348 59378 70636'!". Off panel: Yep! That's what it would be like! T-Rex (punchline): And then the dude would be like, "IT'S TOO AWESOME MY MIND IS BREAKING"?

WOULD YOU RATE IT A FULL FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS OR WOULD IT RECEIVE A MERE FOUR ON FIVE RATING

T-Rex: I was talking to a friend the other day, and it turns out he'd never played the classic "Duck Hunt" video game! Devil: GREETINGS T-REX WHAT IS DUCK HUNT T-Rex: The Devil! What are you doing here?! Devil: I HAVE RECENTLY BEEN PLAYING A GAME IN WHICH ONE CONTROLS A ROBOT LOADED WITH FUTURISTIC WEAPONRY Devil: A MASTERY OF TORSIONAL TWISTING IS NECESSARY TO ENSURE VICTORY Devil: BUT I CONFESS I AM AS YET UNFAMILIAR WITH THE DUCK HUNT GENRE T-Rex: I can't believe it! I've played a game you haven't?! Utahraptor: Are you talking to the Devil again? T-Rex: I am! Devil: IS DUCK HUNT A GOOD GAME T-Rex: Get this: he's never played Duck Hunt! Utahraptor: Hah hah, oh man! Everyone's played Duck Hunt! T-Rex: Seriously! Devil: I SUSPECT THE GAME WAS SIMPLY NOT AVAILABLE IN MY AREA T-Rex (punchline): You shoot little ducks on the TV screen with your gun! Devil: HA HA SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT IS IT LIKE Devil: IS IT PRETTY COOL

hmm which house should i buy: the one sold by "James Peterson", smiling generic guy, or the one sold by "EXPLOSIONLAND MUSCLE HOUSES" whose logo is a house with a giant flexing arm coming out of the chimney, hmmmmmm

T-Rex: Walk around town and you'll see for sale signs outside some houses and they are AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE. Here's what they don't have: the price of the house and the words "hey, maybe you should buy this house". T-Rex: Here's what they DO have: some random real-estate agent's name in a giant font! T-Rex: And I'm sorry to be the one to break this to an ENTIRE INDUSTRY, but nobody cares about your name, real-estate agents. There's a reason Coke is called Coke and not "John Pemberton's Weird Slurry" and Apple isn't called "Ronald Wayne" and McDonald's isn't called - okay this is a bad example but you get my point. Utahraptor: And that reason is marketing? T-Rex: Hells yesses! T-Rex: Unless your name is "Muscles X. Houseblaster" you can come up with WAY better branding than your friggin' name. I'm gonna be a real-estate agent and I'm gonna show y'all how it's done. Utahraptor: I look forward to your signage. T-Rex (punchline): As well you should. [a sign advertising a house for sale, using various clashing fonts] Sign: [with an arrow pointing at a picture of T-Rex] HELLO I SEE YOU NOTICED THIS HOUSE HAS A NAKED DINOSAUR OUT FRONT Sign: You should buy it already! Sign: This House Costs $200,000 But If You Offer Less We'll Probably Accept That Too!! (A Guy Died In It) Sign: *** YOU CAN HAVE SEX IN EVERY ROOM OF THIS HOUSE BUT ONLY IF YOU BUY IT FIRST ***

WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB

T-Rex: Attention, musicians! One question, phrased as a statement: why are you making me do your job. T-Rex: Attention, musicians! Here are some good names for songs that don't exist yet! T-Rex: "Here Is A Song About Being Sad That Makes You Not Be Sad Anymore!" Dromiceiomimus: "Baby, This Tune Is Easily Dismissed From Your Head (Especially If You're About To Fall Asleep)" T-Rex: "If Someone Else On A Long Bus Ride Listens To This Song On Repeat Over And Over Again (It Actually Gets Better)" Utahraptor: "DID YOU KNOW: This Song Cures All Diseases? (The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song)" T-Rex: I (intend to) love that one! T-Rex: "Here Are Some New Vocabulary Words: They Change Every Time You Listen (Bitches)" Utahraptor: "The Song Only Awesome People Like; This Can Save You Some Time When Making New Friends (Thank Me Later)" T-Rex: "I Correctly Answer Whatever Question You Ask Before You Press Play; Use Me To Invent Stuff" T-Rex (punchline): "I Had No Idea Songs Were This Powerful, It's So Wonderful That Music Can Now Literally Change The World (Dubstep Remix)"

not pictured: the three saturdays through thursdays where t-rex shouts just a single vowel

T-Rex: Yep, it certainly is the weekend! Today is a day for MAXING and/or RELAXING. God: IT'S ACTUALLY FRIDAY T-Rex: FRIIIIIIII- Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER: T-Rex: What are your plans for the weekend, Dromiceiomimus? Because you'd better get started on them! Today IS Saturday, after all. Dromiceiomimus: It's actually Friday, T-Rex. T-Rex: NOT AGAIIIIIIIIII- Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER: T-Rex: Saturday: It's Right Now! Utahraptor: It's actually Friday! T-Rex: THAT'S... T-Rex: THAT'S THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW THIS HAS OCCURREEEEEEEEEE- Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER: T-Rex: Hey God, is today Friday? God: YEP T-Rex: Nice! Okay, fine, I'll say it. Sometimes... T-Rex (punchline): SOMETIMES you're a kind of handy guy to have around.

boxy blue car in panel three is becoming alive only so that it can shed a single, oily tear

Narrator: TYPES OF CARS a reference comic T-Rex: Alright, let's get the easy ones out of the way first! T-Rex: "Regular" cars are the ones you see all the time! T-Rex: After that are the sports cars, which are the cool ones that look like toys, and truck cars, which, clearly, are the ones that look like trucks. And you may be asking, "Sup! Listen, how come all cars don't look like toys? Why can't we all drive awesome-looking cars?" and I will give you your answer: T-Rex: CONSPIRACIES. Utahraptor: A conspiracy theory? T-Rex: A conspiracy FACT. T-Rex: FACT: we know how to build sweet-looking cars. FACT: only a few cars are made sweet-looking, even though we could just slap a rad body on top of a boring ol' chassis and call it a day. FACT: I am correct. Utahraptor: Well, you could similarly ask why we don't all wear fancy clothes all the time. T-Rex: Indeed you could, and THE ANSWER IS: I find fancy dress uncomfortable, so that's why I freeball it constantly. T-Rex: You heard me!! T-Rex (punchline): Yes indeed, the balls of my feet are free AND unrestricted

i blame the sea

T-Rex: You know what's freaky? Ghost ships! Ships sent sailing and found drifting weeks or months or years later, and EVERYBODY'S GONE. T-Rex: Totally spooky, dudes! T-Rex: I think what I love best about them is their aloneness: how everyone aboard was basically removing themselves from larger society, expecting to be reintegrated when they arrived - and then something went catastrophically wrong! All we can do is piece things together. Botched mutiny? Rogue wave? Everyone accidentally turning invisible AND mute AND ALSO incorporeal? If you are overly credulous then it is impossible to say for sure!! Utahraptor: They do have a certain romance to them that modern transport technology lacks, eh? T-Rex: It's the sea! T-Rex: A boat can float along for years without crew or sails or a working engine. But if everyone disappears on an airplane it's not like we'll find it still flying around years later! Utahraptor: Imagine if we did, though? T-Rex: FINE [T-Rex's daydream] Off panel: Reports indicate the "ghost plane" drifted for years over Europe before being found. The plane was undamaged, but in-flight meals were only partially eaten, as if abandoned in haste. T-Rex (punchline): Um, even in the heady realm of fantasy I don't see how this could happen!!

not true, teen cosmo: cosmonaut teen is the most compelling character. she's SO AWESOME, you guys, and she's not teen astro's girlfriend just because their names match up. she's not teen astro's girlfriend for a ton of other reasons

Narrator: T-REX'S BEST NIGHT EVER T-REX'S PLACE 9:00 PM God: DUDE IT IS MOST DEFINITELY TIME FOR SOME HIJINKS Narrator: T-REX'S PLACE 11 AM THE NEXT DAY T-Rex: Best night EVER!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you know those 80s movies where a group of teens have one FINAL CRAZY NIGHT before they all graduate and go their separate ways? Last night was like that! Only instead of being a group of teens who learn about life AND each other, I was AN OLDER NON-TEEN who has obligations AND responsibilities! T-Rex: ...Wait. T-Rex: I'm making this sound not as rad as it should be. Utahraptor: Your mistake was comparing yourself to teens, my friend! T-Rex: Man! Nobody can compete with teens! T-Rex: I could be telling you a story about a friggin' SPACE ASTRONAUT and you'd be all "Neato", but if someone else starting talking about Teen Astro: Astronaut Teenager, there's no way you wouldn't listen. Utahraptor: Teen Astro sounds kinda dumb, actually. T-Rex: Please! T-Rex: He's been to Pluto and back... and he's still 100% teen!! T-Rex (punchline): He's the most compelling character of our generation; we all know it

especially when he doesn't move around much and all he really does is refresh his email and see if anyone mentioned his name on twitter

T-Rex: Once upon a time, I, T-Rex, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly. T-Rex: I was unaware that I was T-Rex! T-Rex: Soon I awoke, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a dinosaur dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a dinosaur! Dromiceiomimus: A dinosaur dreaming that he's plagiarizing 4th-century BCE Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi? T-Rex: WHO CAN SAY?? Utahraptor: Good news: butterflies don't have the neural capacity to sustain our shared reality! T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Butterflies! Tiny brains. They literally can't simulate something so complicated and consistent as the reality you're now experiencing. So hooray, you're not a butterfly! T-Rex: Huh. Maybe I'm a larger animal: a dog, perhaps? Some manner of giraffe? T-Rex: A sentient universe-spanning computational intelligence, the ultimate end-point of evolution and the Final Mind of all creation?? Off panel: Yes, that'd likely have enough processing power to simulate one dude's life. T-Rex (punchline): NIIIIIIICE

TOP THREE I'VE COME UP WITH EASILY

God: HEY T-REX YOU KINDA SHOULDN'T TEASE PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Why not?! God: WELL IN SOME CULTURES TATTOOS ARE REALLY SIGNIFICANT AND MEAN MORE THAN JUST "HEY GUYS SO LOOK I HAD SOME EXTRA MONEY" God: I GOT A TATTOO YOU KNOW T-Rex: You do? God: YEAH IT'S PRETTY GREAT IT'S A PICTURE OF A HORSE AND UNDERNEATH ARE THE WORDS "NATURE'S DOMINOES" T-Rex: What the hell?! That was my idea! Utahraptor: What was your idea? T-Rex: The idea that horses are nature's dominoes! I had that idea like 5 years ago! GOD TOTALLY STOLE MY IDEA AND GOT IT AS A TATTOO. Utahraptor: God can get tattoos? T-Rex: Um, according to some religions, GOD CAN DO ANYTHING?? T-Rex (punchline): Not mine though! In MY religion, God now has to pay me royalties every time anyone sees his tattoo! God: T-REX IN MY RELIGION YOU HAVE TO STOP COMPLAINING SO MUCH God: LET ME TELL YOU ALL JOKING ASIDE God: IT'S THE BEST RELIGION

your whole family is made out of (bones and) meat

T-Rex: Turns out, we're members of a social species! We need to see other people and if we don't we get sad and weird!! T-Rex: Hah hah hah! T-Rex: OH WELL, SUCKS TO BE US! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, what are you talking about? You love having friends! T-Rex: Sure, absolutely! But I was under the impression it was OPTIONAL! I thought I was a CHOOSING to have friends, not that I was biologically hard-wired for 'em!! T-Rex: What other aspects of my personality are just BIOLOGICAL DIRECTIVES? Am I nothing more than a mass of genetic imperatives?? Utahraptor: Yep! Utahraptor: You're a mass of bones and meat with needs and desires, of course that's affected who you are! If I wasn't bones and meat with needs and desires myself, I'd be SHOCKED the system even works! T-Rex: I need and desire you to stop describing my body that way. Off panel: If you tried to turn a ham sandwich into a sentient intelligence you'd expect there to be SOME side effects, so why are you surprised to see 'em when we're running on FAT and BLOOD and WEIRD JUICES?? T-Rex (punchline): Okay nope that made it worse; let's go back to "bones and meat" please!

internet you really dropped the ball on this one

T-Rex: A medical doctor is a pretty prestigious job to have! The catch is, it takes years of work to become a doctor. Like, literal YEARS. T-Rex: I do not have time for literal years! T-Rex: On the flipside, digging a ditch is pretty easy, but nobody's THAT impressed when you tell them you can dig a long hole. But I think it's naïve to assume that the amount of time it takes to learn a job is equivalent to the prestige it brings! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe there's jobs that have more prestige than others that still take the same amount of time to learn? T-Rex: EXACTLY. Utahraptor: And maybe you could learn these jobs to create the world's most impressive résumé? T-Rex: Exactly!! T-Rex: By focusing only on the callings that have maximum impressiveness per second, I can build a Totally Sweet Résumé in the MATHEMATICALLY MINIMUM amount of time. Utahraptor: I don't know where you'll get the data you need. T-Rex: Hmm, I don't know, maybe... THE INTERNET?? Narrator: LATER: T-REX FAILS TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS ON HIS RÉSUMÉ PROJECT T-Rex: The internet didn't help me at all! It distracted me with pictures of cats with opinions! T-Rex: N- T-Rex (punchline): No regrets I guess

a button has popped off one of my favourite shirts! in addition, all of the buttons have also popped off all of my shirts. and pants. and i think i learned to dress wrong.

T-Rex: A button has popped off of one of my favourite shirts! T-Rex: Will NO-ONE sew it back on for me? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, YOU'RE a good friend! Would you sew a button back onto one of my shirts? Dromiceiomimus: I could, but this is something you should really learn to do for yourself, T-Rex! T-Rex: But that's the thing: everyone else has ALREADY learned how to do it, so I'd be needlessly duplicating their efforts if I learned it myself! Utahraptor: You're justifying laziness through minimizing inefficiencies? T-Rex: Exactly! At the societal level! T-Rex: If only 25% of the population learnt button sewing AND everyone had four friends, then we'd expect one friend to do the button sewing when needed, and the remaining three could use that free time to learn something else! SOCIETY ADVANCES. Utahraptor: I'm not sewing your button on either, T-Rex. Narrator: YEARS LATER: Off panel: Excuse me, sir: this is a black tie dinner, and you've shown up completely naked. T-Rex (punchline): I blame society!! Off panel: Sir Off panel: That is not yet on my list of acceptable excuses

meanwhile, in the present, t-rex struggles with the responsibilities inherent with the position of 'el presidente', including a 'tips n tricks' feature for the newsletter, managing the fundraising activities, and being visible in the community.

T-Rex: Sleeping with the window open: second best thing ever? T-Rex: OR, absolutely the BEST thing ever?? Dromiceiomimus: Man, you must really like sleeping with the window open, T-Rex! T-Rex: Sure do! I love getting a fresh breeze on my face and smelling the dew on the grass or whatever that night-time smell is. It's great! In summary and in conclusion: if there's a sleeping with the window open fan club, sign me up to be EL PRESIDENTE. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A DYSTOPIAN FUTURE! Utahraptor: We're out of food! T-Rex: And ammo! Utahraptor: What will we do? Someone will kill us soon to take our supplies and eat us probably! T-Rex: We're doomed! Damn this dystopian future! What kind of world have we made for our children?? T-Rex (punchline): Sleeping with the window open still rules, though! Off panel: Obviously!!

SO ANYWAY THE ETHIC OF RECIPROCITY SEEMS TO BE THE MORAL FOUNDATION OF MOST WORLD RELIGIONS, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT HUH

T-Rex: Ah, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! T-Rex: Pretty crazy! T-Rex: Following this rule, I could feed my vegetarian friends delicious steak sandwiches, because that's what I'd like! Mmm-mmm delicious! Dromiceiomimus: Well, no, T-Rex, because you probably wouldn't want to be fed something YOU didn't like. T-Rex: Aha, so much for the golden rule! There's a lot of other awesome variants anyway. Utahraptor: Wait - are you really abandoning the ethic of reciprocity? T-Rex: APPARENTLY, dude! T-Rex: Now I'm all about "Do unto others AS they do unto you". Notice the lack of a "would have". Actually, NOW I'm all about "do unto others before they do unto you." No wait! "Do unto others at the same time as they are doing unto you". That one is about doing things together with friends, I think! T-Rex (punchline): I notice you are leaving! Could my conversational stylings be partially to blame??

panel five reminds us that utahraptor has his own thing going, an entire life full of evolving mystery and adventure even when t-rex isn't around

God: T-REX HOW FRESH ARE YOUR BEATS T-Rex: The freshest! God: I REQUEST A SAMPLE T-Rex: Boop boop ba-doopa doop! God: T-REX I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I'M GOD WHATEVER I SAY CARRIES AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF WEIGHT AND SOMETIMES THERE ARE MOMENTS WHEN I JUST WANT TO SAY SOMETHING IN PASSING AND NOT HAVE IT BE A BIG DEAL God: HOWEVER THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES God: YOUR BEATS ARE SO STALE I THINK THE EGGS IN THEM HAVE GONE OFF T-Rex: Oh snap! Sick burns on my beats, God! Utahraptor: Oh man! Utahraptor: What'd he say? Did he say they're so weak they're homeopathic? T-Rex: Because - Utahraptor: Because they've been diluted 50,000 times? Listen, is that what he said? T-Rex: It doesn't matter! My beats are great! God: T-REX SORRY FOR INSULTING YOUR BEATS JUST A FEW SECONDS AGO T-Rex: It's okay! It only made them better! Check it out: T-Rex (punchline): Chicka wikka woop woop BOOP! God: T-REX SORRY FOR INSULTING YOUR BEATS IN JUST A FEW SECONDS

wait wait, "NO HOLODECKS INVENTED YET". wait, wait: "SEX CONVERSATIONS HAPPENED HERE"! wait! "HISTORIANS: BETTER AT THIS?"

Narrator: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WORLD HISTORY IN SIX PANELS Narrator: WELL, FIVE REALLY Narrator: NOW IT'S FOUR T-Rex: Okay! RIGHT. So the world was formed 4 and a half billion years ago and then eventually we showed up! This began what's known as "The Epoch of when Shit Got Real". Dromiceiomimus: So you covered over 4 billion years in 31 words, that's about... 7.5 words per billion years? Which leaves about two words to sum up our entire recorded history. T-Rex: Um... Dromiceiomimus: That's one! T-Rex: ...neat? Utahraptor: Your entire summary of recorded world history is "Um... neat?" Nicely done, T-Rex! T-Rex: I ran out of words! T-Rex: HAD I KNOWN THERE WAS A LIMIT, I would've used my 33 words to say "New planet. Life in sea. Evolution. Life everywhere: water, ground, sky. Conflict, learning, progress. Language. Then T-Rex shows up and it gets AH-MAZING." Kapow! 10 words left, baby!! Utahraptor: "Also Utahraptor's there: he's good too!" T-Rex: Four words left! Four words to sum up the world and everyone in it! T-Rex: ... T-Rex (punchline): "PRETTY SWEET, YOU GUYS"

Inside the box are grey cubes. "Put Them In Your Mouth And Swallow", the instructions say. I do it. Thirty seconds later, I'm outside running around and having fun while the rest of you chumps are still just sitting down and putting the dressing on your salads!!

T-Rex: Let's say I have a cat! T-Rex: And let's say this cat gets hungry! T-Rex: And let's say I don't want this cat to eat me (the real reason anyone feeds a cat? PERHAPS??) so I go to the store and what do I buy? Dromiceiomimus: ...Cat food? T-Rex: EXACTLY!! Pets get to eat one thing and be done with it! They don't worry about NUTRITION, because it's all taken care of in that one food! Utahraptor: They CAN'T worry about nutrition. T-Rex: Same difference, baby! T-Rex: Meanwhile I have to navigate a grocery store full of food: there's good food, there's junk food, and I bet if I chose one random item and ate only that I'd DIE. How is that fair? Utahraptor: You get a choice! T-Rex: Sure, but where's the easy option? Where's the opt-out?? T-Rex: Utahraptor, real talk! T-Rex (punchline): I would eat out of a box labelled "Dedicated To The People Who Get Hungry And Don't Care About Food, But Also Don't Want To Die", like, MINIMUM three times a week

you're doing it wrong!

T-Rex: Nobody can kiss me today, because I'm sick. T-Rex: Sorry, LADIES! T-Rex: While you may have wanted a smooch just now, Dromiceiomimus, you can't have one because I'm sick! I have a cold. Dromiceiomimus: That's alright - I'm sure I'll survive somehow. T-Rex: M- Maybe tomorrow? Utahraptor: Is this a new kind of come-on for you, T-Rex? T-Rex: No! Utahraptor: It is! I bet you're just trying to play "hard to get". And, actually, by announcing that nobody can kiss you, you imply that they'd probably want to kiss you under normal circumstances. You're just spinning your cold, using it as good PR! T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: But, I'm ALSO creating an artificial shortage of T-Rex kisses to increase demand. Would you say you irrationally want some of my kissing now? Off panel: Nope! T-Rex (punchline): Try harder!

that sound you're hearing is all the nlp researchers who read my comic jumping up from their computers at once and saying "of COURSE!!"

T-Rex: Natural language processing researchers are all, "Oh boo hoo, computationally generating and understanding natural language is hard, we totally need more time to build Data from Star Trek, boo hoo hoo!" T-Rex: Looks like you dropped the ball, NLP researchers!! T-Rex: Because MY email autoresponder takes in text with all sorts of imperfect and irregular language, disambiguates word senses, builds a semantic understanding AND generates an appropriate response in the time it would take a real person to type it out. Oh snap! Did a rank amateur, wanting only to ensure that his body wouldn't be discovered for a few years after he died, just brutally advance the state of the art? SEEMS LIKE IT, BABY! Utahraptor: So how's it work? T-Rex: Just fine, thank you! Utahraptor: No, I mean, how'd you do it? How do you figure out the semantics and word senses? Statistical methods? But those have problems with recall and precision, even with - are you using the web as a corpus? How are you handling the noise? T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! So many questions! T-Rex: I just wrote "Email Responder TWO THOUSAND" on a giant novelty chef's hat, taped a page from the dictionary to it, and then stuffed the whole deal into my computer's CD tray! Off panel: W- What? T-Rex (punchline): GRANT MONEY PLEASE

if you make sure never to say the phrase 'crazy sexual', you can avoid these situations!

Narrator: IT WAS ALL A DREAM T-Rex: Phew, it was all a dream! T-Rex: The mission to find the treasure, the car chase: all a dream! T-Rex: My high school math teacher naked and smiling: all a dream! T-Rex: That bizarre thing with the Utahraptor that I don't want to talk about: all a dream! Utahraptor: Wait, what was this about me? T-Rex: It was nothing: just a crazy dream! T-Rex: You must have had crazy dreams before! Utahraptor: Yeah, but are we talking crazy insane or crazy sexual? T-Rex: Crazy sexual! T-Rex (punchline): I've said too much!

CODA: THE PARTY KINDA SUCKED

Narrator: REGRET T-Rex: I regret never going white-water rafting! Dromiceiomimus: I regret - well, it was in grade two, and I was just a little girl, and there was this near-deaf kid in class who had a hearing aid. One day on the playground I walked up to him and moved my mouth like I was talking but I didn't say anything. I just wanted to - I don't know, see if he'd be tricked or something. He wasn't, of course, and wasn't even that upset, but all of a sudden I could see what a jerk I was being. I don't want to be the kind of person who does that. T-Rex: Wow! Um - wow. Utahraptor: Yeah! Utahraptor: I was going to say how I regretted not doing anything with my family's garden this year, but Dromiceiomimus is a tough act to follow. T-Rex: She blew all of our fake-ass phoney regrets out of the water! Narrator: LATER: INVITATIONS TO A "WHO CAN TELL THE BIGGEST REGRET WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE" PARTY: T-Rex (punchline): Let's NOT invite Dromiceiomimus!

the experiment may last 50 years

Narrator: BIKING TIPS FOR TEENS T-Rex: Teens! Do you love biking? Sure you do! T-Rex: You're a teen!! T-Rex: But did you know that biking without a helmet can be dangerous? Actually biking with a helmet can be dangerous too. Biking, regardless of helmet status, can be dangerous. Dromiceiomimus: Getting out of bed can be dangerous. T-Rex: Getting out of bed can be dangerous, teens!! Utahraptor: Who are you talking to? There's - there's no teens here. T-Rex: But there might be teens ABOUT here! T-Rex: You know, teens walking by on their way to somewhere else. Utahraptor: Eavesdropping teens. T-Rex: Yes! Eavesdropping teens who'll overhear our conversation and say "Holy smokes! I'd better learn to love safety!" and then, they go and learn to love safety. T-Rex: Do they do it in the comfort of their own home? Do they do it in the "skate park"? Who knows?! They're teens! Off panel: Wow, when did you become an old man, T-Rex? T-Rex (punchline): It is something I am experimenting with

it was so hot out last night that when i woke up my pillow was juicy with head sweat. i know! it was gross!

T-Rex: Okay, so hypothetical situation: let's say you've got two friends who used to totally date each other but now they're broken up, and neither wants to see the other anymore! T-Rex: Oops!! T-Rex: The problem this raises for you, as a friend, is who do you invite to parties and such? Do you alternate invitations between events? Invite both friends and assume either they'll work out amongst themselves who's going, or you'll get to see some sparks fly? Utahraptor: It's a difficult situation for everyone involved to be in! T-Rex: It's true! Utahraptor: I suppose I'd talk to both of the people to see what they'd have me do. T-Rex: But what if they want you to do conflicting things? Utahraptor: Well then, I guess I'd face a choice! God: T-REX WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE EVEN IN THIS SITUATION T-Rex (punchline): I like to be prepared! God: DUDE WHY ARE YOU EVEN SAYING THIS THOUGH God: IT'S SO STRESSFUL

DO "CHARADES" NEXT

T-Rex: Let's play 20 questions, God! I'm thinking of something. Ask me a yes-or-no question and I'll - God: IT'S A PUPPY T-Rex: OMG T-Rex: NEVER PLAY GAMES WITH GOD T-Rex: Let's play 20 questions, Dromiceiomimus! Ask me a yes-or-no question and I'll - Dromiceiomimus: Is it Batman? T-Rex: OMG T-Rex: NEVER PLAY GAMES WITH PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU LIKE BATMAN T-Rex: Let's play 20 questions, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Sure! Utahraptor: Although 20 yes-or-no questions allow only 20 bits of information to be communicated, so the most objects I'll be able to distinguish between is 1,048,576. Since far more exist in the world this game is unfair, HOWEVER, my questions will be structured to reduce the search space by half each turn to maximize my chances. T-Rex: Utahraptor, you've turned a Victorian parlour game into a well-defined computer science and information theory search space problem! Off panel: Well, I - T-Rex: THIS IS AWESOME AND YOU ARE TOO T-Rex (punchline): AHHHHHH

it's to call up utahraptor and say "hello this is utahraptor, who is this?" in a very stern utahraptor voice. it's better on paper.

T-Rex: How great would it be to be able to make your voice sound like somebody else's? T-Rex: SUPER GREAT?? T-Rex: Probably! Because then I could do prank calls as you, Dromiceiomimus! I could call Utahraptor as you and invite him over for dinner, and then, when he shows up for dinner, you're liable to be unprepared for company! Dromiceiomimus: Possibly! Or, I could be prepared and we could have a great time without you. T-Rex: I - um. T-Rex: OKAY, as revenge for that, I could prank call Dromiceiomimus and pretend that I'm a celebrity she likes! Utahraptor: It won't work! Utahraptor: We all know about your plans now! If you ever do develop voice talent, we'll all be totally prepared for your little prank calls. T-Rex: Well, I'VE actually got an emergency SUPER SECRET prank that I won't talk about, in case I ever do get the chance to pull it off. Narrator: HEY, LET'S ALL READ T-REX'S THOUGHTS! T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] Man, if I don't find a washroom soon others will be disappointed in me Narrator: HUH. Narrator: I REALLY THOUGHT HE'D BE THINKING ABOUT HIS SUPER SECRET PRANK

REAL ANSWER: it's because a single giant city-sized bacterium can feed thousands and tastes so good

T-Rex: Wouldn't it be nice to be able to survive being flattened by a steamroller, as long as there's an air hose nearby? T-Rex: And it'd be nice to run in the air over chasms, as long as you don't look down! Dromiceiomimus: Ah, you want to live in a world of cartoon physics. I can see the attraction, T-Rex! T-Rex: I know, right? Cartoon physics aren't so much "wrong" as they are "intuitively right". Why shouldn't we leave a perfect us-shaped hole when we run through a wall? I WANT TO DO THIS SO BAD, Dromiceiomimus. T-Rex: SO BAD. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE CARTOON PHYSICS UNIVERSE: Utahraptor: Ahhhhhh! Run away! T-Rex: AHHHH! T-Rex: Dear God! Why did I zot my leftovers from last night? Utahraptor: You KNEW that would expose any bacteria on them to microwave radiation! And you KNEW that all radiation, regardless of source, causes gigantism and monsterism! T-Rex: Frigging microwaves!! T-Rex (punchline): WHY do we keep them in our KITCHENS?!

i ate too many sauced wings of a chicken, now my stomach is stretched beyond what i consider to be comfortable

T-Rex: I - T-Rex: I...! T-Rex: I!! T-Rex: I WOULD LIKE TO EAT THE WINGS OF A CHICKEN! T-Rex: YES. Somebody please slaughter their chickens and cook them and bring them to me and then leave immediately. I WILL PAY CASH MONEY. Dromiceiomimus: Are you saying you want to order some wings for delivery? T-Rex: Yes, I am 100% WILLING to use the promise of currency to induce a stranger to bring unto me my preferred parts of a chicken, so that I might consume them with my bare hands. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: The wings arrive soon: a corporation has given me its word! Utahraptor: Nice! Utahraptor: When they arrive, be sure to pay the driver more than your contract with the corporation dictates. This helps the driver. T-Rex: MAN, I can't wait to eat these chickens' wings. I can't wait to hold them to my teeth as I rend flesh from bone, enjoying the taste of their flavoured skin. Narrator: 45 MINUTES LATER: REGRETS T-Rex (punchline): Eating's gross; NOBODY DO IT

no-one could fault you for being curious

T-Rex: Certain bacteria may be able to survive a long trip in space, and there's a theory that life on OUR VERY PLANET was seeded by such space-born organic materials. T-Rex: This theory is called "panspermia"! T-Rex: HILARIOUS. Utahraptor: Undermining serious work into the origins of life on our planet, I see! T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: They're undermining it by choosing such hilarious names! You know what it's called if you think the organic life is sent out on purpose by aliens? Utahraptor: No? T-Rex: DIRECTED PANSPERMIA. That doesn't sound like the origin of life on Earth! That sounds like a CRAZY FRIDAY NIGHT. Off panel: "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"! T-Rex: Nobody's smelling roses called "Flower of Sperm Directed Onto Everything Ever"! T-Rex (punchline): ...Okay, listen, maybe they'd smell them ONCE.

a CARROT that looks like LADY GAGA, a ROOT VEGETABLE that resembles THE INCREDIBLE HULK

T-Rex: A bunch of us want to find meaning and purpose in our lives and the Universe. Unfortunately, the Universe itself is indifferent, uncaring and meaningless! Narrator: ABSURDISM COMICS Narrator: woooo T-Rex: So! Since the Universe is TOTALLY MEANINGLESS, looking for any sort of meaning in life is absurd, and we're all sorta stuck. But lucky for us, the absurdist philosophers came up with three ways to resolve this! The - the first resolution is suicide. T-Rex: I've said it before, but I'll say it again: the absurdists were not the cheeriest potatoes in the bag. Utahraptor: But if we don't want to kill ourselves, we can find religion, right? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: Religion can give hope of a kind and caring world beyond our absurd one. But since they see reason as the greatest tool we've got and religion relies on faith, it's rejected by the absurdists as a (just as deadly!) PHILOSOPHICAL suicide. Utahraptor: So what's left? T-Rex: What's left? Only to accept the absurd and try to find any meaning we can in our own personal journey from life to death! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway, this is how come I'm so into vegetables that look like celebs

men! i'm out of tips!!

Narrator: TIPS FOR MEN T-Rex: Attention men! Are you a man? Here are some tips! T-Rex: Tip 1: Grooming is important! T-Rex: This means that you have to shower and if you always wake up with food on your face then you have to understand that you have a problem. We all have problems, but yours is that you go to sleep beside bowls of wet salad and then in your sleep, you tip over the bowl. You need to work on that. I don't know what to tell you. T-Rex: Tip 2: prostate exams: apparently important? Utahraptor: Apparently prostate exams are pretty important! T-Rex: Tip 3: In some situations, like truck stops, manliness is measured by virility, so you may wish to boast of sexual conquests. But in other situations (job interviews), it’s measured by problem solving skills and your ability to work in groups! Utahraptor: True men can easily distinguish between such situations. Narrator: TIPS FOR WOMEN T-Rex (punchline): Attention women! Sometimes men fall asleep next to bowls of wet salad. I don't know what to tell you.

come on! must i point out that I'M ALREADY GREEN

T-Rex: The number of Spider-men depends on the number of real-life superpower-granting spiders, which I'm pretty sure is zero. The number of Hulks depends on the number of gamma bombs blasts granting superpowers, which, again: zero. T-Rex: This DOES explain why no Spider-men Hulks have tried to steal my girlfriend!! T-Rex: But it makes things pretty depressing. Watch an action movie and you can think "That could be me, if my chums and I were ever sent into space to blow up an asteroid." But there's no way I can become Spider-man OR Hulk! Or Flash. Or Green Lantern or even Black Canary. T-Rex: *sigh* Utahraptor: You could still become Green Lantern, T-Rex! T-Rex: Really?! Utahraptor: Sure! He's given his powers through an alien ring, so really you just need a slightly modified Drake Equation that incorporates the odds of strangers giving you stuff. T-Rex: And by making myself more charismatic, I increase that chance, which thereby increases my Green Lantern Ring Potential!! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Oh, will you look at that! NONE of my fingers have rings on them! Gosh, but that's a lot of potential T-Rex (punchline): As much as my personal potential for fighting crime and righting wrongs, I gotta say!

aww t-rex, it's not a failed relationship! relationships aren't cockfighting: they're not a failure if they don't last until one or both of the participants are dead!

Narrator: WE HAVE A HISTORY Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Dear recipient of this comic: T-Rex: You and whoever sent this card to you TOTALLY have a history together! T-Rex: That's pretty intriguing, isn't it? What sort of history? Did you use to date? There's a lot I don't know about your history. T-Rex: Maybe it's one-sided! Maybe you don't even know who the sender is! Maybe he's this guy and HE thinks you have this history and YOU don't know him from Bob! Utahraptor: Maybe we should be more sensitive here, T-Rex! T-Rex: YES. Good idea! Utahraptor: Besides, maybe the sender understands that you've both hurt each other in the past, but you're still friends and he's glad for what's happened, bad stuff and all. He knows you well and he's happy for that, and he cares for you in a way that's special and unique to you, history and all. T-Rex: Aww! T-Rex (punchline): Anyway! Enjoy your failed relationship(s)!

also interesting: a new slang form of the word "muffin", a cool consonant slide in "he can't read my... poker face" from "d" to "m" so it's almost one phoneme, also, bisexuality

Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS today's song POKER FACE by LADY GAGA T-Rex: Lady Gaga analogizes sex to poker! In the song, I mean! T-Rex: To hear her tell it, she intends to get her male opponent "hot", and then, she intends to show him "what she's got". She assures us, the audience, now presumably with one raised eyebrow, that this unnamed protagonist (adversary? It is difficult to tell) is fully unable to read her poker face. Utahraptor: He's unable, he's unable to see past her facade of bluffing! T-Rex: Fah-fah-fah-facade of bluffing T-Rex: To proceed: she wants to spend time with him; she believes they'll present an appearance of aloof disinterest. Russian roulette is different if you remove the gun from the endeavor. Utahraptor: And when it comes to the act of physical love, Lady Gaga becomes bored if it's too tender!! T-Rex (punchline): In conclusion, Lady Gaga repeats her claim of her facade of bluffing being perfect no less than four more times, so it must be true. Off panel: Fah-fah-fah-facade of bluffing

i would advise you to check it sitting down, my friend!

T-Rex: Hey, I wonder if I got any emails while I was out? T-Rex: Oh boy! Emails! Narrator: BACK AT HOME: T-Rex: What? No emails?! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, how come you never send me any emails? Dromiceiomimus: I see you in person often enough! What do you want emails for? T-Rex: I want emails! Utahraptor: You'd get more emails if you sent more out! T-Rex: But I already do! T-Rex: I sent you four surveys AND an email where if I forwarded it, some charity would get 3 cents AND a list I found of reasons why T-Rexes are better than Utahraptors (green is the new black!) Utahraptor: Man, I don't need that sort of stuff in my mailbox! I meant REAL emails. T-Rex: Do you mean to imply that T-Rexes are not better than Utahraptors? T-Rex (punchline): Because if so, I would advise you to check your email!

good heavens!

T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to become a famous author! T-Rex: To that end, I will write a novel! T-Rex: It will be about a young man who wakes up one morning to find himself transformed into a giant insect-like creature! T-Rex: I will call my book, "The Metamorphazoid". T-Rex: The story ends when the young man, whom I shall call "Gregory", dies, scorned by his family and love ones! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: I'm concerned that the plot to your novel seems a little familiar. T-Rex: Do you mean to imply that I've plagiarized it, good sir? Utahraptor: I do! T-Rex (punchline): Why, what cheek!

"Oh! Ask him about... where he sees the world going in the next hundred years?" / I FORESEE ALL RESEARCH RESOURCES EVENTUALLY BEING DEDICATED SOLELY TOWARDS DEVELOPING FUTURE TECH

Devil: GREETINGS T-REX T-Rex: The Devil! What's up? Devil: I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU AGAIN DISCUSSED VIDEO GAMES WITHOUT ME Devil: THE VIDEO GAME EXPERT Devil: THIS IS A COLOSSAL SLIGHT AGAINST MY PERSON T-Rex: ...Sorry? Devil: AS PUNISHMENT I'M AFRAID I WILL NO LONGER TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES WITH YOU SO THAT YOU MIGHT LEARN YOUR LESSON T-Rex: Really? Oh man, that sounds awesome! T-Rex: ...ly horrible, because I most certainly do not want that punishment right away now please. T-Rex: Any time you're ready. T-Rex: Just gonna stand here with my leg raised till I'm punished. Devil: T-REX WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON - NEWS Devil: AND EVENTS T-Rex: I'm for them! Utahraptor: For what? T-Rex: For news and events. Utahraptor, please play along! The Devil might start talking about different things for once! Utahraptor: Oh! Ask him about... music? Devil: MY BROAD MUSICAL TASTES ENCOMPASS TUNES BOTH CHIP AND OTHERWISE Devil: CURSES YOU'VE TRICKED ME INTO TALKING ABOUT VIDEO GAME MUSIC THEREFORE YOUR PUNISHMENT IS NOW AT AN END T-Rex (punchline): No, please! Punish me some more!! Devil: T-REX IS THIS LIKE A WEIRD SEX THING Devil: BECAUSE IF SO Devil: MY COMFORT ZONE HAS BEEN BREACHED AND NOW LIES IN SHAMBLES

so has the pottery class

T-Rex: What a beautiful summer's day! A good day for me to PARTY DOWN and shout "Wooooooo!", I think! T-Rex: Wait, I can do better. T-Rex: *ahem* T-Rex: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Dromiceiomimus: Whoah, T-Rex! Use your indoor voice - you don't have to be so loud! T-Rex: "Indoor voice"?! We're outside, Dromiceiomimus! Anyway, if we were indoors right now, I'm pretty sure I'd be just as loud and proud as ever! T-Rex: In that order! Utahraptor: "Indoor voice" refers to the situation inside a house, where others are sleeping and stuff! There's a whole context there, T-Rex! T-Rex: Man, context is for suckers! And with that revelation, I don't see how the term "indoor voice" on its own can mean anything at all! Utahraptor: Y-you're not - T-Rex: That's right! I'm questioning the very IDEA of an "indoor voice"! The revolution begins here! Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex (punchline): The revolution has ended due to lack of interest!

i keep forgetting "panacea". i'm always left with "it's a word that starts with p and means 'universal cure'" and eventually i rediscover it and go OH YEAH, then i get to wait two weeks and do it again

T-Rex: I have recently acquired some snake oil, and it has inspired me to compile a list of professions that have been ruined by lexicalized phrases! T-Rex: First: snake oil salesmen! T-Rex: Since the phrase now means "con artist", nobody wants to be a snake oil salesman! But I presume there was a point when a man could procure some snake oil and go door-to-door selling it, and maybe those guys wrecked it for the rest of us. Maybe they were all chumps. MAYBE they were all, in fact, SUPERCHUMPS. Utahraptor: That may actually be the case! T-Rex: I knew it!! Utahraptor: Yeah - early Western entrepreneurs tried to duplicate the successful Chinese snake oil they saw, but failed to recognize the reason it had SOME effect was Chinese water snakes are high in eicosapentaenic acid, an anti inflammatory agent! Western snakes aren't, and so their medicine didn't work. Off panel: But they sold it anyway, often as a universal panacea! T-Rex (punchline): PANACEA?! THAT'S THE SECRET WORD OF THE DAY! T-Rex and Off panel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

hello my name is ryan and if you really loved me you'd label every group of babies "a harvest"

T-Rex: Humans! Are you worried that one day a giant asteroid will impact the planet and kill you all, because you're not big and awesome enough like me to just stone cold PUNCH the asteroid back into space?? T-Rex: Man! You probably should be, huh? T-Rex: But don't worry, because your awesome friend T-Rex has a solution. I have done some research into your crazy mammalian ways and found out that human women are born with all their eggs inside them already! Weird, right? They don't even deposit them onto the ground. Dromiceiomimus: What does this have to do with asteroids? T-Rex: NOTHING. T-Rex: But it has a LOT to do with repopulating the planet after asteroids! Utahraptor: Oh no. T-Rex: Oh yes! Surgically extract egg cells, grow a massively parallel harvest of babies in labs, and KAPOW: instant repopulation. Utahraptor: You know, if an idea involves the words "harvest of babies", then a cool thing I do is I abandon the idea. Utahraptor: It's just part of what makes me so rad. T-Rex: [thinks] OMG T-Rex: [thinks] If I can think of an even better idea involving harvesting babies, then Utahraptor will NEVER steal it from me T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] OMG OMG

well gosh i was hoping for some considered debate but i guess i'll just have to PARTY DOWN INSTEAD!!

Narrator: IT'S A PARTY IN THIS COMIC AND EVERYONE'S INVITED T-Rex: Whoo!! Does anybody here like to party? T-Rex: Does anybody here like to STOMP on HOUSES?! T-Rex: If so, then I propose you join my party, featuring T-Rex! Whoo! T-Rex: Stomping on houses! T-Rex: Extreme!! Utahraptor: You're a one-man party, my friend! T-Rex: As usual! Utahraptor: But do you think you could take the party DOWN a notch? T-Rex: Nope! My parties only ever go UP notches! They go all the way to the top! Extreme! T-Rex (punchline): EXTREME!!

hey t-rex sure dodged a bullet there in panel 3, RIGHT FELLAS?

Narrator: CONVERSATIONAL TECHNIQUES COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: "I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS" Narrator: A POWERFUL TECHNIQUE IN ANY SITUATION: Off panel: Do YOU want eggs? T-Rex: I've got my own problems! Narrator: A WAY TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PRIVILEGING OF SELF INTEREST! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, do you want to come with me today to the Lengthy Exhibit of Items of Exclusively Female Interest? T-Rex: Aw man! I've got my own problems. Dromiceiomimus: You totally have your own problems! Narrator: A HARBINGER OF FRIENDSHIP: Utahraptor: I've got MY own problems! T-Rex: Hey, me too! Narrator: HEY, WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THE EGGS IN THE SECOND PANEL? OH WELL Utahraptor: Was he an egg salesman, do you think? T-Rex: He was wearing one of those umbrella hats, so - maybe? Narrator: "I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS" - IN ANY SITUATION! Off panel: Oh God, we're being attacked by zombies! T-Rex (punchline): I've got my own problems! T-Rex and off panel: Hah hah hah! Off panel: It's ALWAYS funny when you say that!

whoever actually does this in the future, i bequeath to them in my will an award that has a thumbs up on one side, and on the other side is engraved "actually wait no I asked them to engrave a frowney face, what the hell is this"

T-Rex: The problem with trying to achieve immortality by setting a world record is that there's always going to be someone better than you! If I eat 50 burgers, some chump will eventually eat 51! T-Rex: And though I never thought I'd say it, fifty-one is just TOO MANY BURGERS. T-Rex: What I need is a world record that can never be beaten. Dromiceiomimus: You could be the first to do something! T-Rex: Yeah, but all the GOOD firsts have been taken; all that's left are the duds! I don't want to be the first person to be kissed by a horse who really means it. T-Rex: I - I just DON'T. Utahraptor: You should've been Jacques Piccard or Don Walsh! T-Rex: What'd they do? Utahraptor: They made the first voyage to the very deepest part of the ocean, the Challenger Deep. It's a first, but it's also a FARTHEST, as these guys went literally as deep as you can go on Earth. It's a record that can only be tied, not beaten! T-Rex: ...You could dig a hole. T-Rex: What? All I'm saying is it's conceivable that one day someone will go to the bottom of the ocean, dig a hole, and sit in their ship in that hole for a while! T-Rex (punchline): The future sparkles with possibility, UTAHRAPTOR

t-rex is just joking, the REAL incredible fact is this: go on any set, yell "we'll fix it in post!", and the director will DEFINITELY make you part of his or her wedding party, if that ever happens!!

T-Rex: It's Wednesday! Come with me on a JOURNEY OF EDUCATION as we learn how movies are made!! T-Rex: Movies are made by film cameras and other advanced technology! T-Rex: With the right technology, a robot can be programmed to point a video camera at other robots doing something interesting, and a computer program can be designed to automatically choose the most interesting shots and cut them up into a major motion picture, exploding onto the screens at a cinema near you!! T-Rex: And THAT'S how movies are made! Utahraptor: Funny, I thought directors and actors were usually involved! T-Rex: Why? T-Rex: Why involve FALLIBLE TALKING MEAT when we have robots, programmed to be infallible, also not to be meat? Utahraptor: I guess PROBABLY because we don't have such robots. T-Rex: Hey, here's an INCREDIBLE fact: go on any set, yell "Robots, ENGAGE OMEGA DIRECTIVE ALPHA!", and the director will love you for life!! T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex (punchline): Here's a credible fact: I have never been near a movie set in my life

in panel 5 utahraptor was supposed to be thinking "i should be more supportive of t-rex's ideas. usually they have nowhere to go but up" but WHOOPS, UTAHRAPTOR OLD BUDDY, NO ROOM FOR THAT! INSTEAD YOU HAVE REACHED A ZEN STATE OF PERFECT THOUGHTLESS AWARENESS

T-Rex: [thinks] People will DEFINITELY pay for a robot that "accidentally" steals all their girlfriends! Narrator: BAD Narrator: IDEAS Narrator: COMICS Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus: [thinks] Has anyone ever made a doctor-themed parody of Back to the Future, called "Back to the Suture"? Dromiceiomimus: [thinks] I should probably do that. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: [thinks] skin flavoured jello T-Rex: [thinks] utahraptor's skin flavoured jello Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: [thinks] I should make a comic where famed scientist Francis Bacon teams up with a guy named "Eggs", so they can be called Bacon and Eggs. In issue two, Francis could mistakenly rename himself to "Chris P."! Chris P. Bacon! T-Rex: [thinks] OH MY GOD Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (punchline): [thinks] I'm still thinking about Chris P. Bacon

"later on your sense of smell was restored through a series of misadventures, and you insisted on celebrating by smelling everyone"

Narrator: WE JOIN OUR STORY AFTER T-REX HAS LOST HIS SENSE OF SMELL: T-Rex: It happened yesterday, shortly after I was complaining about advertising slogans! T-Rex: And it was DEFINITELY the most interesting part of my day! T-Rex: Do you remember it, Dromiceiomimus? How amazing it was? How it was awesome, in both the colloquial AND old-skool biblical sense? Dromiceiomimus: I do! And as I recall, it went a little something like this... Narrator: "YOU WERE TALKING TO UTAHRAPTOR" T-Rex: Utahraptor! We meet again, sooner than usual! Utahraptor: Yep! Narrator: "YOU ASKED HIM IF HE'D ANYTHING TO ADD ABOUT AD SLOGANS" T-Rex: Do you have anything to add... about AD SLOGANS?? Utahraptor: No. No, I think we covered it pretty well earlier. T-Rex: Okay, me too Narrator: "LATER ON, THE CALL OF ADVENTURE WAS HEARD" T-Rex (punchline): Ladies and gentlemen: the mummy's gold isn't going to rescue itself! Narrator: "JUST THEN I WONDERED WHY I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT YOUR OWN RECENT HISTORY"

i want to write more comics about liquid nuts enrobed in milk chocolate, so i can be all, num num num

Narrator: COMICS WITH SUDDEN CHANGES IN GENRE II T-Rex: I'm going nuts! T-Rex: LIQUID NUTS! T-Rex: See what I did there, Dromiceiomimus? I used "liquid" as an intensifier. Dromiceiomimus: Like "super"? T-Rex: Yep! It goes nuts, super nuts, nutty crackers, and then liquid nuts for only the nuttiest things. Dromiceiomimus: Can this also be applied to chocolate bars? T-Rex: YOU KNOW IT CAN'T. That would be heresy! Utahraptor: Liquid heresy! T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: I do think "nuts" can be applied to chocolate bars though. T-Rex: Okay honestly it can apply to chocolate bars, but it becomes confusing if the bar isn't crammed with nuts, or somehow liquidly nutty. There is a SEMANTIC COLLISION. Narrator: SUDDENLY! T-Rex: Anyway, I meant what I said about going nuts. I feel like I've got this powerful instinct for self-destruction, and I'm just fooling myself if I think I can control it. Off panel: You're so crazy, T-Rex! T-Rex (punchline): I'm wacky times!

'it's very embarrassing and sometimes i require medical attention' is one of those phrases i would have liked to get through life without saying, if possible

T-Rex: One of the great myths of our time is that the trick to becoming good at something is to practice it over and over. T-Rex: I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree!! T-Rex: PROOF BY COUNTEREXAMPLE: I have probably been practicing eating hundreds of thousands of times! And yet, sometimes I screw it up. Practice clearly hasn't helped me here, because I should be super awesome at eating by now! Dromiceiomimus: You screw it up? T-Rex: I choke! It goes down the wrong tube or whatever. It's very embarrassing and sometimes I require medical attention. Utahraptor: Well, to be fair, there's a difference between practicing eating and just doing it many times over many years, T-Rex! Utahraptor: When you're practicing, you're more aware of what you're doing, examining your own actions with an eye for improvement. It's a focus one doesn't have while simply eating as a matter of routine! T-Rex: Perhaps it's a focus YOU don't have, dude! You forget that I am extremely intense. T-Rex: And I can prove it, too! Ask me how my day was. Off panel: Okay, how was your day? T-Rex (punchline): FRIGGIN' INTENSE!

although, upon closer inspection, 'What Do You Do When You Want To Give A Loved One A Present That Is Alive' would also make a pretty sweet title. can you imagine?

Narrator: T-REX IN: "FLOWERS IN RELATIONSHIPS" T-Rex: I am against giving your sweetie flowers when you are in a relationship. Oh God! Think of the symbolism! T-Rex: The horrible symbolism! Dromiceiomimus: What symbolism? They just show that you care! T-Rex: No way! They represent AFFECTION, right? They represent your love. But they die in like a week, no matter what you do! I don't need no punkass flowers reminding me that everything beautiful dies sooner than I want to believe. Utahraptor: So what do you do when you want to give a loved one a present that is alive? T-Rex: I buy POTTED PLANTS. T-Rex: They're still in the ground, so they last for years! Tada! Utahraptor: Yeah, but they'll still die eventually! All that's changed is that NOW your sweetie has to care for the plants until then, as they represent your relationship in much the same way the flowers did! T-Rex: True! However, the plants now ALSO serve as a constant reminder of me and how I need water (viz., smooches)! T-Rex (punchline): I am writing a book called "Relentless Reminders of Physical Neediness: Maybe She'll Like You Now?"

i came in second place so i get to bring back the silver arches for my country

T-Rex: Our planet's finest athletes are gathering to compete for greatness, in a worldwide celebration of peak physical fitness known only as McDonald's Presents The Olympic Games! [no text] T-Rex: So Burger King, you can stay the hell home!! The athletes competing here, these Adonises and Adonisettes, they don't need your fatty foods and empty calories! They have BIG MACS® and QUARTER POUNDERS WITH CHEESE® lovingly crafted by McDonald's, who've turned the full force of their multinational corporation towards ensuring no athlete, no matter WHERE they live on the planet, will ever be inconveniently far away from a handful of fries served in a paper sleeve! Utahraptor: But suppose our greatest champions get thirsty? T-Rex: Please! T-Rex: Perhaps you've forgotten Coca-Cola, THE OFFICIAL SUGARED AND COLOURED BEVERAGE OF MCDONALD'S PRESENTS THE OLYMPIC GAMES?? You want a sculpted gold-medal body? Have you tried exercising? Sure, maybe. But have you tried CHUGGING A COKE? Utahraptor: I - I haven't! I need to get on that already!! T-Rex: You should really check out McDonald's Presents The Olympic Games, everyone! Between sets, Cap'n Crunch and Count Chokula are moderating a panel on early-onset diabetes!! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex (punchline): They loved nutrition so much they became REAL!

last night we both drank some things we can't take back

God: BAD NEWS T-REX T-Rex: Oh? God: ALL THE CORPORATIONS ARE REAL PEOPLE NOW T-Rex: Oh. T-Rex: Oh!! T-Rex: Quick, Dromiceiomimus! Help me find Nintendo! I want to go on a date with Nintendo before anyone else does, in case the other guys are better than me at dating Nintendo!! Dromiceiomimus: What if Nintendo's a dude? T-Rex: WHAT IF I DON'T CARE Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Any luck finding Nintendo? T-Rex: None! T-Rex: I found Coca-Cola, but all he wanted to do was watch me drink Coke. Utahraptor: I mean, that makes sense. T-Rex: Then he wanted to go find athletes so he could pay them to say they drink Coke too. Utahraptor: Again: makes sense. T-Rex: Then his eyes rolled back in his head and Coke shot out from his face in a spectacular geyser! And lo, the entire food court was drenched in warm sticky Coca-Cola, and we drank. We drank until we were sated. T-Rex (punchline): I'm - I'm not sure another multinational could love me anymore

there's no real shorthand for 'thermos' i know of that isn't a brand name. 'vacuum flask'? 'dewar flask'? NO THANKS.

Narrator: THINGS T-REX DID THAT ONE TIME Narrator: ANSWERED THE PHONE IN THE NUDE: T-Rex: Hah hah! Yep! Narrator: PUSHED SOMEONE DOWN A SLIDE BEFORE THEY WERE READY: Dromiceiomimus: Really, you did that? That's very unkind! Were they alright? T-Rex: They were FINE. It's a slide! People are meant to fall down it! Narrator: TRIED TO HAVE A NAP IN THE SHOWER: Utahraptor: What made you think that was a good idea? T-Rex: I was tired? Narrator: LEFT A THERMOS FULL OF FOOD FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS, HOPING SOMEONE ELSE WOULD CLEAN IT OUT: Utahraptor: Man, I remember that thermos! What happened when you opened it? T-Rex: I don't know! It's in the attic. You can clean it out if you want! Narrator: DONATED MONEY TO AN ORGANIZATION TO HELP BUILD NEEDED INFRASTRUCTURE OVERSEAS: T-Rex: Aww! A touching ending! T-Rex (punchline): Also, this one time? I ate a whole lasagna before dinner but my parents got me in heaps of trouble.

...Thank you for your honesty

T-Rex: Shakespeare wrote in rhyming couplets and it was great / I bet I could do the same and not desecrate! T-Rex: (His memory) God: WHOAH T-REX THAT RHYME WAS TERRIBLE T-Rex: What? Says who?? God: SAYS ME GOD WAIT HOLD ON A SECOND SHAKESPEARE IS HERE AND HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ONE SEC I'LL PUT HIM ON God: HELLO THIS IS SHAKESPEARE AND WOW THAT RHYME WAS REALLY BAD T-Rex: That's not him! He'd say "Forsooth"! God: UM God: FORSOOTH ALACK YONDER MAIDENS T-Rex: God! Did you PRETEND to be Shakespeare? God: POSSIBLY T-Rex: "Possibly"!! Utahraptor: Possibly? T-Rex: God said that Shakespeare hated my sweet rhymes, and to prove it he pretended to be Shakespeare! Utahraptor: Well if he can do anything, that'd necessarily include "Shakespeare impersonations". T-Rex: But ALSO "Shakespeare impersonations that don't make me mad"; why didn't he do that one? God: UM T-REX IT'S ME SHAKESPEARE AND MAY I JUST SAY YOUR RHYME IS WAY BETTER THAN ANYTHING I EVER DID WRITE T-Rex: Okay T-Rex (punchline): ...That makes sense

that was a little thing i like to call a PHAT RHYME?? / look it up? man, don't waste your time / only way to understand it is to catch me in my prime / each and every verse gets me more sublime / better stop now because to completely be honest i'm / pretty much exhausting my rhyming dictionary's entry labelled 'rhyme'

T-Rex: Here are some free rap lyrics for anyone who wants to put them into a song and then make me a rap song millionaire. You should probably definitely do this! T-Rex: It is a good thing to be doing on a school night! T-Rex: "That guy was fat / But not like big / He was fat like wide / Frig" Dromiceiomimus: I don't know if I want to freestyle with those lyrics, T-Rex! Also, I graduated years ago. T-Rex: "That woman was nice / Actually, super nice / If we're gonna be that precise." I'D freestyle with that one, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Because it's not like they're getting any better Utahraptor: "Your raps are pretty bad and that's a fact / You can't quite say 'em with your dignity intact" T-Rex: Oooh! T-Rex: That one was pretty good! Can I use it? Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is a RAP BATTLE. You're supposed to come at me with some sick rhymes of your own! You're not supposed to compliment me on my rhymes and then ask to borrow them. T-Rex: "Rap battles make it sound like there's only one winner / A rap friendship's much easier when you're a rap beginner!" Off panel: ...Okay, that was kinda adorable. T-Rex (punchline): Yayyyyy

in looking up the colour mummy brown i found many people (moms?) calling themselves "mummy brown" and that's gross, moms

God: T-REX WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR T-Rex: Narrow it to a shade, brotimes! God: T-REX WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SHADE OF BROWN T-Rex: Dude! It's this delightful deep brown, kind of a burnt umber? T-Rex: It was a super popular colour with 16th and 17th century painters. It only stopped being made when we used up the necessary ingredients. Dromiceiomimus: Really! Which ingredient did we use up? T-Rex: Well I don't want this to be a "thing", Dromiceiomimus, but it's called "mummy brown" and it's KINDA made from ground-up mummies. Utahraptor: It's "kinda" made from ground-up mummies? T-Rex: OKAY IT'S LITERALLY MADE FROM GROUND-UP MUMMIES. T-Rex: We dug up actual consecrated remains and ground 'em into dust and painted with them, OKAY?? And we kept it up for generations, stopping only when the corpses ran out. I don't know what this says about us as a people, but we've all just got to live with it. PAINTING WITH GROUND-UP BODIES: A PART OF OUR HERITAGE. Narrator: MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS MAKING FIRST CONTACT WITH AN INCREDIBLY POWERFUL ALIEN INTELLIGENCE: Off panel: Our first test of your species is this: tell us about your favourite shade of brown, T-Rex. T-Rex: Um... T-Rex (punchline): ha ha

in history a person might ride their horses into school, just because cars aren't invented yet. THAT was the sort of thing they did in history, utahraptor.

Narrator: SCIENCE IN THE YEAR 65,000,000 T-Rex: What will science be like in the year 65,000,000? Friends! I am here to tell you: many amazing advances will be made! T-Rex: Think of how far we've come in just the past one hundred years! T-Rex: And the pace of innovation is only accelerating. Consider that iPods from only five years ago are now LUDICROUSLY UNACCEPTABLE, when in history a person might own a single record player their entire lives! It is certain that in the year 65,000,000 marvels dwarfing even branded consumer electronics await us. What new and fundamental discoveries about the universe are ahead? Will our personal holographic media players ALSO accept phone calls?? Utahraptor: I believe they may not! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: I mean only to suggest that the uninterrupted progress of the past century could in fact BE interrupted, perhaps by a planet-wide and biblically awesome catastrophe SO HUGE that intelligent life is forced to re-evolve from scratch. In the year 65,000,000 we may just be catching up to where we are now! T-Rex: Utahraptor! Off panel: Yes? T-Rex (punchline): The new MacBooks have cases that are made out of ALUMINUM.

i call this adventure, The First And Last Time I Tried To Larp

T-Rex: You wake up and you are inside cyberspace! T-Rex: You roll your eyes at the word "cyberspace"! T-Rex: Looking around, you see an onramp labelled "information superhighway!" This metaphor is incredibly dated and also terrible. T-Rex: You want to point this out to someone, but the only person nearby is some kid surfing an early-90s keyboard through the sky. He's wearing neon clothes and carrying a two-button mouse with a cord attached to it. Utahraptor: I wake up into real life again! T-Rex: Okay! Utahraptor: Then I roll over to my laptop and check my email. T-Rex: There's a message: "Thanks For Visiting Us Inside Your Computer!!". Utahraptor: I throw my computer in the garbage and light the garbage on fire. T-Rex: The toxic plastics and chemicals turn into a gas and go inside your lungs... where a tiny kid on a tiny keyboard messes with your alveoli! Off panel: I decide to die! T-Rex (punchline): I join you; this adventure was a bad idea from the start

yes, okay, OBVIOUSLY we all know I need to work on my nonanalogies / hypotheticals / illustrative parallels

T-Rex: I like swimmin' and my friends like swimmin', AND YET, none of us have a pool. What the heck, everybody? T-Rex: It's time for us to make friends with some pool-owning dudes!! Dromiceiomimus: We both know I'm always down for swimming, T-Rex, but isn't that a bit - mercenary? T-Rex: No man! We're not going to be terrible people who are friends with a guy just because he has a pool. We'll be awesome sexy WELL-ADJUSTED people who are friends with a guy because he's totes sweet, and the pool will be a bonus! It's "gravy" on "the side". Utahraptor: So you don't think it's at all mercenary to seek out friends with splashy benefits. T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: If I'M being mercenary by wanting a friend with a pool, then sexy young people who have the express goal of seducing a rich older partner who will soon die and leave all the money to them are mercenary too. Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex (punchline): OBVIOUSLY we all know I need to work on my analogies

i submit to you that nobody would want to live in a world with such a language!

T-Rex: I have been thinking about what the Utahraptor said yesterday, and by extension the ambiguity allowable in language! T-Rex: Take the Bible, for instance! T-Rex: There's a text passed down for hundreds of generations, translated, re-written, re-edited. T-Rex: Even if you don’t assume that it’s the Word of God, the difference in meaning between what was written THEN and what you read NOW must be staggering! T-Rex: It's often said that the only way to be immortal is through your words and ideas! Utahraptor: I agree! T-Rex: But the Bible shows us that language is mutable! So what's the solution? How can I ensure that the ideas I have in my head when I communicate are the same as those you get in yours when you hear me? Utahraptor: I propose a rigorously defined language without syntactic or lexical ambiguity! T-Rex: But how would we write puns in such a language? T-Rex: Eh? T-Rex (punchline): Or delightfully sexy double entendres?

relationships are also for the young and the criminally inane

T-Rex: Anyway! Relationships are for the young and the criminally insane. What's of real importance is that I saw a car dealership ad yesterday advertising that "no reasonable offer will be refused"! T-Rex: Well, yeah! T-Rex: Oooh, ads like that burn my biscuits. Of course they're not going to refuse a reasonable offer! That's what makes it so reasonable! And worse, since "reasonable" can be a very subjective word, it's not really saying anything beyond "Hey, I won't refuse an offer for reasons that I personally find irrational." Utahraptor: It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's thought fueled by rage!! T-Rex: It just bothers me that they're trying to make it sound like a big thing when it's just business as usual! That's deceptive. Utahraptor: That's advertising! T-Rex: So annoying! Plus, I saw this other ad on the same day that said "everyone approved O.A.C." T-Rex: O.A.C. stands for "on approved credit"! Everyone's approved if they're approved?! Aaargh! T-Rex (punchline): I could make some joke about tautological advertisements, but I find them too annoying to laugh at right now.

awww

Narrator: PERSONAL REVELATION COMICS T-Rex: Forget it! I'm sick of everybody acting like they know what's best for me! T-Rex: From now on, I'm doing what I feel like, when I feel like doing it! T-Rex: And today, I feel like stomping on a house full of people I don't know, and then I think I feel like finding a loose woman and running off to some tropical country without an extradition treaty, where I will set up a home where we can live comfortably, and then I'll have sex with this woman! T-Rex: So there! Utahraptor: How can you act like this?! T-Rex: What are you talking about? Utahraptor: Well, it just seems that this kind of activity isn't how your parents raised you to behave! Utahraptor: What would your father say? T-Rex: I never - T-Rex (punchline): I never knew my father!