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17snbk8

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/thrwitawy4g3tystrday, **Originally posted to** r/JUSTNOMIL **MIL told my daughter that Santa isn’t real, so I told her that God isn’t real** Trigger Warnings: >!religious abuse, emotional manipulation and abuse, verbal abuse, attempted kidnapping, verbal abuse of a child!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/16sfppj/mil_told_my_daughter_that_santa_isnt_real_so_i/) - **September 25, 2023** My MIL doesn’t like me at all. She’s one of the typical moms who doesn’t want her son to be stolen away by another woman, so my existence alone is enough for her to resent me. It doesn’t help that I don’t practice her religion and that we don’t plan on baptizing our children. This is a mutual decision between my husband and I. For a little extra context, she sends me bible verses and quotes about being subservient to your husband on a regular basis to get under my skin. After telling her very nicely and calmly to stop once, she had a full blown meltdown/tantrum about how I won’t let her save me, so I just ignore her messages now. My daughter (4) loves Christmas. She loves decorating the house and helping bake the cookies and she gets to pick the tree out this year. She’s so excited it’s literally so adorable, she’s been talking about it since July. She also is a very firm believer in Santa. She already has a mile long list of things she wants him to get her. Side note: she isn’t spoiled at all, some of the things on her list are random items she sees at the grocery store or things on our shelves. Our dog that we’ve had for six years is on her list. She just likes writing them (AKA making me write them) My MIL was over today and my daughter was asking me to add another random item to her Santa list. As my MIL heard her say it, she immediately responds to her saying that Santa isn’t real, and that me and my husband are who buys the gifts under the tree. This obviously went over like a lead balloon with my child, but my MIL looked pretty happy with herself for the shit storm she just created for me and for breaking my daughters heart. I immediately told her to pack her shit and to get the fuck out of my house and that she wasn’t welcome near my baby anymore. She tried to respond that she did us a favor and that our child shouldn’t be thanking a man who doesn’t exist for the nice things we do for her, so I responded that it was a rich statement coming from someone who has spent their entire life praying to a man who ALSO doesn’t exist. I also told her I was very sorry she let the devil breed hate in her heart, then I slammed the door in her face. Husband is completely on my side and is completely shattered that his mom ruined something so special for our daughter, but we’ve received a few texts and calls from his siblings who think I was out of line and that I should be apologizing to her. I’m still so angry that I can’t really judge for myself if I’m in the wrong or not, but so really don’t think that I am. I think she crossed an uncrossable line and that I’m justified in not letting her have a future relationship with my daughter or any other children we might have later. Not looking for advice, just to talk shit and vent. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.rareddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17ny5ge/update_my_mil_told_my_daughter_that_santa_isnt/) - recovered with rareddit - **November 4, 2023** Quick TLDR for anyone who doesn’t want to read my last post: my MIL told my daughter Santa isn’t real and then had a meltdown because my husband and I limited her contact with our daughter because of it. Since the events from the last post, things have only escalated in terms of her behavior. We’ve kept our stance on not letting her see our daughter and we’ve had limited contact with her ourselves, but she’s tried to find ways to circumvent my husband and I to gain access to our baby. She started sending our daughter presents that are clearly from Amazon but with gift notes that say “from the REAL Santa” and “Grandma will see you soon!” and other insane things like that. We’ve been documenting all of this, and we started donating all of the toys and clothing to local charities or to our daughter’s school’s community pantry so a child with nothing can have them instead. We’ve also had my husband’s sister call us and tell us his mom is on the verge of being suicidal because we took “her only happiness” away from her, to which we replied that she should be checked into inpatient if she’s making those kinds of claims. Sorry if I sound cruel but I won’t let someone manipulate me like that. We hadn’t heard from anyone regarding MIL in a week or so, so we started to feel like maybe she was calming down and accepting that this situation was caused by her own actions. What we didn’t remember was that she’s authorized to pick our daughter up from school. Yesterday, I got a call from the front office of her school saying that my MIL had called and said she was on her way to pick our baby up for “a surprise adventure” with grandma and to make sure she was waiting in the office so they could leave as quickly as possible. When I got this call I literally grabbed my bag and walked right out of my job to be able to get to the school before she did. I also made sure her school knew that my daughter was NOT to be released to anyone other than myself or my husband. After getting off the phone with me, the school decided to contact the police and to put the school into a “soft lockdown” which is when they don’t let kids leave classrooms and make sure all the doors to the buildings are secured but they don’t announce it to the kids so no one gets scared. On my way to the school I called my husband and told him to meet me there and what was going on, and he actually made it to the school before I did. When I got there the police were questioning my MIL, and upon seeing her car packed full, I could tell her little adventure was meant to be a longterm sort of thing. She was actually going to try to steal our daughter from us over SANTA! The police took her away and her car was towed as well. When she was loaded into the squad car, her and I made eye contact for a brief second. She tried to keep her scowl, but quickly her face crumpled and she started sobbing about how unfair this all is. She started crying even harder when the door was shut on her. As justified as we are, this was really hard to watch. I don’t know how the legal system works to be honest, but I’m hoping we can request that she be put into a mental health facility as opposed to a jail so she can receive the help she very clearly needs. We also filed for a restraining order against her and we took her name off the pick up list at school. My husbands siblings have reached out to us and are completely horrified by what happened, and all said in their own way that they never expected things to escalate like this. While it was annoying to have it come to this before having their support, it is refreshing to have everyone on the same page about this finally. In terms of our daughter, we chose to let her finish the school day so she wouldn’t know what had just happened to her. I received a lot of helpful advice in my last post about how to fix the damage my MIL caused and we tried a few of the things we were told to do but I can sense that my daughter just isn’t into it the way she used to be. Her wishlist hasn’t been added to since. My BIL has offered to dress up as Santa and get caught putting gifts under the tree to help reignite her excitement, which my husband and I both appreciate and are looking forward to. We also plan on sending her a letter from Santa telling her how excited he is to visit her and our dog this year, and I’ll let you all know how this works out in the next update. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **boxsterguy:** Did any of the cops give you a card or anything? If not, call the station and ask if you can be put in contact with whoever is handling the issue. Ask them about what's going to happen, and ask about getting a protective order to keep her away from you and LO. Whether or not you can "press charges" or anything like that is probably out of your control. If the police decide to take it further, she'll need her own lawyer to handle it. That's her problem, not yours. She's probably not going to go to jail, but attempted kidnapping isn't something to ignore, either. And of course it should go without saying that you need to update your contact info with the school to ensure MIL is not on allowed as any emergency contact or pickup. >**OP:** My husband is handling all police matters so that I don’t have a mental breakdown about this. He’s been so supportive and I’m so proud of him for standing up to her. I’m doing everything in my power to make sure I’m there for him during this in the same way he’s been for me and our daughter. This is his mom after all. > >We removed her from emergency contacts at the school and there’s a warning in her file about this incident as well so any new employees will be aware of the situation. I also think the school had her trespassed so she can’t show up again without serious consequences. > >We’d rather her go to inpatient care than serve jail time. She’d get the help she desperately needs. **Littlewasteoftime:** OMG in so many ways this is my nightmare… last time I saw MIL she said something about if she moved to a state that is 8hrs away instead of 15 she can just drive down and get LO and take him back to her state to see everyone… by that point in the conversation I was pretending to be asleep to let my husband handle the shit show of a conversation and not engage, but in my head I was like “OH hell no!” OP I have so many questions… like what was she charged with? What was the process for the restraining order like? You did an amazing job intervening for your child! So lucky you had the school secretary on top of things! Stay strong, you are doing great! >**OP:** I know for sure she has an attempted kidnapping charge but I don’t know the others off the top of my head. Since she was technically allowed to pick her up from the school I was told it might not stick but our restraining order should stay in place so she won’t be able to contact us again even if she is released. The school has also had her trespassed so she can’t come back there without being arrested. **EmptyBumblebee6:** Holy shit. I am so glad you both got there in time, I can’t imagine what she would have done/gone to with your daughter. I hope the magic of Christmas brings happiness to her again! >**OP:** I don’t understand what her plan was in the long term. She would not have gotten very far before we realized our daughter was gone, and I’m pretty sure her car has tracking on it because she’s still paying it off. It would not have been hard to find her, and the charges would be so much worse had she actually successfully taken our daughter with her. This all being said, we still aren’t sure where she planned to drive her to and it makes us sick knowing she probably planned this for awhile before doing it. **johnsonbrianna1:** So I feel like trying to make her believe Santa is real again after being told he wasn’t isn’t the best idea. Because eventually she will find out he really isn’t real and that’s going to crush her a second time. Also she may resent you for telling her grandma lied to her about Santa and that he is really real and then she’ll realize you lied and he isn’t real. Since unfortunately that bubble has been popped maybe you can start making up or doing more things around Christmas and tell her since she’s a big girl now she gets to enjoy more things at Christmas then just believing in Santa! I feel like it’d be better to make new memories of why to be happy around Christmas than to lie again and give her false hope. >**OP:** I wish you weren’t right but you probably are. I’m trying not to be selfish but I’m personally devastated to be losing this special tradition with my daughter. I’ve looked forward to this since I was a teenager and now it’s been stolen from me as well as her and I just wish none of this ever happened. I truly just wish my MIL had stayed an annoying bible thumper instead of turning into a deranged kidnapper. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

MIL told my daughter that Santa isn’t real, so I told her that God isn’t real

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17snbk8/mil_told_my_daughter_that_santa_isnt_real_so_i/

17snck3

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/genghisKhan **Ugh. In Trouble for My Mouth Again...** **Originally posted to** r/Teachers **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Parental neglect, verbal abuse, dishonesty, harassment, antiintellectualism!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/s/ROZxFiFjyi)  **Oct 26, 2021** This morning, I spoke with the father of one of my "honors" students about dropping her down to the standard level classes. This was my third phone call since interims.   This kid is late to every class. She doesn't do her work, and has failed every quiz and test since the beginning of the year. I have given this kid chance after chance, and multiple opportunities for extra help... She doesn't care.   Today's conversation took a quick turn, as dad immediately directed his frustration at me.   "I don't understand why she needs this fucking class."   I teach history.   "When is she ever going to need this useless information. If she needed to know about the Pilgrims, she can just look it up on Google."   I take a deep breath and think about my normal response when a person questions the value of social studies. I am about to explain how my particular subject goes beyond base knowledge, and helps students home their thought processes, and helps them to evaluate the quality of information. But his rant continues.   "It's just like her goddamn math class. When will she ever not have a calculator."   Ok. Here's my chance to smooth it over... Wrong.   "And you liberal fucking teachers are doing everything you can to destroy what's good in our country."   Ok. I gotta shut this down.   My response: "I am not even going to pretend to know how you feel, because I do not have the energy to do that kind of mental gymnastics. It's true, she will likely always have access to information at her fingertips... But that's not going to help her if she doesn't know how to use it. For example, you can get a recipe for any type of food online, but what's the point of using it if you're only going to make yourself a bowl of cereal. I resent that you think that me and my colleagues are indoctrinating your daughter, when that's clearly not the case. A kid's gotta want to learn to be susceptible to that kind of influence. And I can assure you that is not happening with your daughter." ***Click. Hangs up. Meeting with admin tomorrow at 8am. Apparently, I called his daughter "dumb as a bowl of cereal." EDIT: I'm hearing you all. I agree with most of you, and have thought many of the same things as you.   1. I live in the South, so no unions.    2. Our mandatory process goal this year is about communication. We are required to make phone contact for any kid who is failing, if emails are not responded to. This parent does not respond, and admin says they're following up. If they actually do... Who knows   3. Normally I shut down a parent who starts flinging profanity, but this happened very quickly, and the last thing I want to do is get admin involved, especially when I have very little faith in them anymore. Despite this... I had a moment, and felt the need to respond. I tried my best to stay professional though. Looks like I involved admin anyway.   ["Dumb As a Bowl of Cereal" UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/s/pzcjlQ9m7T)  **Oct 27, 2021**   Dad threatened to kick my principal's ass, after accusing him of being an "antifa communist."   As one comment read, Dad is "froot loops."   I'm off the hook, and have been told to never contact home ever again. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Ugh. In Trouble for My Mouth Again...

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Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17snck3/ugh_in_trouble_for_my_mouth_again/

17so8p0

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Living\_Honeydew\_2257](https://www.reddit.com/user/Living_Honeydew_2257/). They posted in r/motherinlawsfromhell **Trigger Warning:** >!threats of bodily harm!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!weird, but happy ending!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/motherinlawsfromhell/comments/17lzhd5/dinner_with_mil_took_unexpected_turn/)**: November 2, 2023** My MIL and I went out to dinner as my husband and my FIL were out at a concert together. They are from out of state and were staying with us for a few days. My MIL is intense and does not hold back on overly displaying how much she loves her son. Well, at dinner after three martinis and me completely sober as my husband and I are TTC **(editor's note- Trying To Conceive)**, she looks at me and goes “If you ever break my son’s heart I will fucking kill you. I mean it. And (his sister) will too. She watches a lot of dateline.” I was so stunned that she said this after six years together and understanding how strong our relationship is (her words in another conversation: “I couldn’t have asked for a better wife for my son. You two are a perfect match and so blessed.”) Unfortunately, I was so stunned that I did not respond the way that I wanted and kind of babbled on something about not needing to be worried. I told my husband this and he was appalled. My question is, when she undoubtedly says something offensive like this again, is there a way to respond that is stronger and defensive of myself? I just really can’t believe the tone with which she said it and while this is not the first time she has said it, it felt intense. This is my first post here so thank you for reading! ***Relevant Comments:*** *Don't be with her alone and go no contact:* "I agree with you. I think my husband needs to say something. I told him not to because they only see each other a few times a year and I do not want them to fight while they are under my roof but there may be no choice when something like this is said." *Well she certainly shouldn't be around any future children:* "And the stress about how she will act around my future child is already in full force. I think the point about how disappointing it is will also be key. Thank you so much." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/motherinlawsfromhell/comments/17njvie/update_dinner_with_mil_took_an_unexpected_turn/)**: November 4, 2023 (2 days later)** I first want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for the many encouraging comments. This whole experience was a major wake up call to not allow someone to speak to me this way and reevaluate boundaries/people pleasing tendencies. It also makes me realize that I am not alone and I have several strong women in this community who stand up for themselves and are learning these lessons too. I would also like to add that never did I feel my life was in “danger.” I understand the severity of what she said, however dramatic is her middle name and this phrase is something I have heard her say to many others including my DH’s friends (for taking him on a hiking trip- woah, how horrible) and myself. This does not change how seriously we reacted to the comment. So flash forward to the day they left (the morning after the incident and the morning that I posted), MIL begins to send text after text with the most effusive love and support you could imagine regarding her stay with us and our loving home. We ignore them because we are both working and also who cares? The plan was for my DH to call her after work. She knows something is up because now she is calling ME (I let it go to VM) and having her husband who rarely messages me to see if I’ll reply. My husband calls her as soon as he gets home and absolutely blasts her. While he was firm and calm, there was no mistaking that she was silent while he told her how unacceptable, disappointing, disturbing, and unnecessary that comment was. Her response? “That’s just how I talk.” DH explains that no one speaks to his wife like that and no one understands her disjointed state of mind except for her. The call ends. She calls him back ten minutes later (classic move once she’s thought about what manipulative thing to say) and we ignored. The following day rolls around and she calls again, this time saying that she was joking and we took it the wrong way. DH leans into her again and we decide that I will never be left alone with her. The hilarious thing about it is that dinner was the first time we were ever alone. DH finally lets me know for the first time ever that he has understood his mom’s games since high school and that it is partly the reason he moved out of state. It goes way deeper than this but wow- eye opening. For now, I am NC with her and it looks like husband will be too. Monster in laws are no joke. Be safe out there and thank you again for your support. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Many people are happy and relieved OOP's husband stood up for them:* "Thank you very much for your support. Totally agree. I know that he loves his mom. This does not mean boundaries cannot be set but I can only imagine how I would feel if I had to speak this way with my mom if she were to god forbid say something so unhinged. Unfortunately, my FIL does not stand up to her and this is a pattern I have witnessed for years. My husband’s words: no one keeps her in check aside from me. I think you are right about no longer staying in our home. It felt like a generous arrangement to begin with but now they can figure it out. It’s a shame because I would love for us to be a “happy family” but that is just not possible with her." *100% MIL was lying about 'joking':* "I completely agree with you about the “joking” comment. This excuse has also been used when she sent me a weight watchers promotional email and when she told me my own mother being very sick a few days before my wedding was attention seeking. Ahh, the list goes on. My DH has no more rose colored glasses on for her bullshit! It feels good. Thank you so much again for your support."

Dinner with MIL took unexpected turn.

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LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17so8p0/dinner_with_mil_took_unexpected_turn/

17so8y5

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/discostaurus](https://www.reddit.com/user/discostaurus/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. **Mood Spoiler:** >!communication sort of prevails? OOP at least thinks so!< **Original** [Post](https://www.rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17n3t9u/aita_for_asking_my_fianc%C3%A9_to_bring_me_a_glass_of/)**: November 3, 2023 (Preserved with rareddit)** I (20sF) and my fiancé (30sM) were enjoying a Friday night wind down. Had dinner, yoghurt and were sitting down for TV (we're on season 7 of 24, my first time watching). I decide to paint my nails pink as we're going out tomorrow and seeing my family. They haven't seen us since we got engaged last month. I'm in a good mood and feeling happy. After painting one hand, I ask him if he fancies opening a bottle of prosecco tonight (well stocked post-engagement). He says yes. I ask him if he could bring me a glass too please. That's where the argument began. No shouting, stomping, etc. Just speaking our minds and then silence before resuming. Generally, we get along great and have very healthy communication. Hell, we managed to compromise on a child-free wedding easier than this (he wanted children there, I didn't, we've settled on child-free ceremony and kids for the dinner and reception). Back to the argument. His perspective: it's weird of me to ask him to bring me things, be it a a beverage or a blanket. That I'm a grown woman and should do these sorts of things for myself. Doing it for me would be "simping" and asking him to is "toxic". My perspective: it's a glass of prosecco and my nails were drying. My love language is acts of service and I make him at least 3 cups of tea a week. A simple refusal is fine. His attitude about me asking was, in my opinion, "toxic". Earlier on in our relationship I did ask him to get me glasses of water semi-regularly. We had a discussion and he expressed his frustration. I now don't really ask, maybe once a week at most. The last time was in a cafe. For unnecessary context, if you're interested: I wonder if it's how we grew up. He's an only child and claims his Mum never asked him to do anything like this for her. He's fiercely independent and can sometimes exist in his own little world. Whereas, I have an older sister and we just did as we were told really. Definitely learnt to play host at family gatherings, offering food and drink and just being pleasant. If someone asked for something (like a drink) and you said no, that'd be considered rude. But I digress. I asked for prosecco, even though my 5'0 legs do in fact work. AITA? ***Relevant Comments:*** *It could mean 'acts of service' mean nothing to him. Did his mom ever do things for him?* "His Mum did a lot for him growing up, as a single-parent single-child household. That's one of the reasons he's so insistent on feeling independent and not relying on people. You've hit the nail on the head, I don't think he sees the value in these sorts of gestures. Also, the "Acts of Service" is part of the five love languages, not my creation there haha" *Does he ever ask YOU for things?* "Honestly, he rarely asks for these gestures. I always offer to help or grab things, and he occasionally says yes. But for me it has felt like a one-way system." *So he doesn't mind if you get things for him?* "Never complains. Always says thanks." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update: November 4, 2023 (Next Day)** (Same Post but OOP deleted her OG post and wrote the update over it) Hello reddit! Thank you for all for taking the time to comment and engage. While the consensus was that I was NTA, I did enjoy hearing all the perspectives on this situation. Here's some common misconceptions or curiosities to clear up: 1. "I bet he listens to Andrew Tate." This was clearly interpreted from his vocabulary. It's shocking language and has a lot of misogyny attached. When he said "simping," my mouth opened like a fish impression. However, he doesn't listen to Tate and only knows the term from reddit context. And no, he's not a 4chan veteran or similar. 2. "Trying to hide a big age difference" - I was purposefully vague, I'm 26 and fiancé's 35. We met in person through a shared hobby and began dating two years ago, at 24 and 33. We've lived together over a year. After our first date, we had a discussion about power imbalances, equitable split proportionate to income, and consent. I'm gonna shock a few people, but he's genuinely a feminist. 3. "What happens if you got sick!" - We joke that I've been ill most of our relationship, thanks to my poor immune system to colds. Also, my wisdom teeth only started emerging at 25. When they began coming through it was excruciating (10/10 do not recommend) and he ran out to the shops before work to get me numbing liquid and has been an ongoing support when I've had flare-ups. I also took care of him post-wisdom teeth removal so it flows both ways. 4. "Don't make him a tea and how he'd react" - I know how he'd react. He wouldn't notice or care. In fact, I've recently discovered that he enjoys making himself teas, as a break from his activity to stand up and move around. So maybe I'll stop, not to teach him a lesson, but to give him gestures that he'll value instead. So, flashback to last night. Some wanted more detail on the actual exchange. I did ask him in a very "round the houses" way. I guess because after our Water-gate, he's been very reluctant to say yes to any requests I make, no matter how infrequent or simple. During our argument, I asked if how I asked would've changed his response, to which he said no. When I realised we were getting nowhere, I went to the bathroom and removed my nail vanish. When I said, "Your view on fetching things for your partner is abnormal," he said, "Ask reddit." So that's what I did. I sat down on the sofa and typed out my response. At first, I was relieved to know my opinion was validated. When I saw the first "dump him" message, I suddenly lost all my anger and felt very amused by the caricatures we'd clearly become. I called out to him and said, "If I open the prosecco, will you pour the glasses?" and he agreed. We drank the whole bottle together, reading all the comments. He apologised for his language and I apologised for mine. It was a very eye-opening exercise. I had overused whatever partner privilege involved fetching things last year. But after our discussion, I had actually actioned his feedback completely. He, however, hasn't appreciated that I'd changed and remained on high alert for any princess behaviour. Resulting in being a meanie. Where are we now? Well, to the disappointment of many, we're still in love and planning to get married. We've enjoyed a lovely time with my family today. I think this highlighted the need for a happy medium, and that's what he'll be showing me. Communication wins!

AITA for asking my fiancé to bring me a glass of prosecco?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17so8y5/aita_for_asking_my_fiancé_to_bring_me_a_glass_of/

17sw629

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/ExpressionMurky8420 **in** r/AmITheAsshole trigger warnings: >!abusive parents, parentification, relationship issues!< mood spoilers: >!mostly positive!<   [**Original**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17cfwj7/aita_for_having_a_special_relationship_with_my/) \- 20 Oct 2023 That's my first post here because I really need your advice (sorry for any grammar mistakes )So me 20f and my brother 17m(almost 18) have been pretty close since always. Our parents never really took care of us, and I was his full-time caretaker from the age of 9 because before that, our grandparents took care of us . After we moved away, i raised him ,made sure he had studied, had eaten ,had baths, etc . I was throwing away my childhood taking care of my parents' child, but if I could do it again, I would. I'm so greatfull for having him in my life and I'm glad our parents didn't raise him because they did a terrible job with me (I can't say that here cause they will take down that post) I'm glad they decided that they traumatized one child enough and left the other alone (fr fr alone ) Some years later, my brother came one night to my room, and we had a heart to heart conversation. He thanked me for making his childhood amazing while I had to lose mine to do that and that he loved me deeply for taking care of him even when I was a child myself. He told me that when we are old enough we will live together and i promised him that . He said that now that he is older and stronger (he goes to the gym regularly), he will protect me now because he knows I have been hurt before. After all, i kept my promise .When I turned 18, I left the house, and I took him with me some months prior despite our parents' protest . We live together now . The problem is my bf of 1 year that thinks that is creepy and I need to leave him with our parents . He said that after 1 year of dating, we should stay together and not the 3 of us . I told him that that's not gonna happen and that he needed to respect my brother, we had a long fight, and he left . Some of my friends think that bringing him almost everywhere is creepy, but we just hang out a lot because we are really close .My brother feels sad because of all of that, and I'm just mad, idk if I took it too far with the "protection," but I think that that's the right thing to doSorry for the long post So, AITA? Edit : When I say I bring him almost everywhere, I don't mean with my soon to be ex bf or my friend group . We barely hang out with the same friends, and I brought him with my friends like 3-4 times . I just hang out a lot with him alone because when I need to go somewhere, I enjoy his company as we have always done everything together since childhood. He always respected my privacy and my relationships, but my friends think that is weird . Edit: omg I'm so so greatfull for all the comments I have taken yall are amazing I never imagined strangers on the internet would be so supportive, for now I'm trying to cut my parents off our lives and I'm in the process of breaking up, I will update again I think maybe not at this subreddit. Again, thank all of you **relevant comments:** >**lexxkyun:** NTA, like you said you practically raised him and you took him from a bad place, your boyfriend is a shitty person for even asking you to send him back to your parents when he knows YOU are your brothers home, you both are each others safe space probably after the way you’ve guys had to grow up, and you should honestly dump him for being a weirdo about it being creepy because at that point you’ve taken the mother role and a decent human being wouldn’t ask a single parent to drop their kid so they can be together > >**OOP:** I never thought it that way, like taking the mother role cause I always did what I thought the best for him as a big sister. But I will have a lengthy conversation with my bf, and i will decide what we will do in the future cause for now I don't think we can be together &#x200B; >**Emergency\_Ad\_5935:** NTA. You’re doing a good thing by helping your brother. I would caution though, there is some downside to fostering a dependency, especially if it’s interfering with other interpersonal relationships. Does your brother hang out or spend any time with his own friends? Or is it 24/7 with you and your circles? > >**OOP:** He has his own friends and hangs out with them too, but sometimes I bring him with me just because I know that he enjoys those kinds of events my friends and I are going to attend . That doesn't happen often tho I would say like 3-4 times in 3 years. "Almost everywhere " is redundancy **Judgement: Not the Asshole** **The consensus in the comments is the OOP should dump her bf** [**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17fnyy3/updateaita_for_having_a_special_relationship_with/) \- 24 Oct 20 Update If you wanna read the original post, it is still on my profile So, about the update After the fight I had with my boyfriend, he didn’t respond to my messages, and he ghosted me for 2 days . After 2 days, he decided to text me that he wanted to talk to me . I only accepted because I wanted to hear what he had to say to me . He came to my house Sunday night, and my brother left so we could talk. He apologized for his behavior and said that he was thinking selfishly and that he understood me and my living situation even tho it’s difficult because he has 2 loving parents but a distant relationship with his sibling. I told him that he broke my trust and I couldn’t forgive him that easily. He told me that he could give me space to think, and I told him that I needed to reconsider a lot. He teared up and he tried to hug me but I refused ,he asked if he hurt me that much and I said yes because he didn’t respect my boundaries that I set from the beginning of our relationship (yes he knew about my brother) after that he told me that he will give me space and I accepted. Then he left . Later that night, I told my brother that I wanted to talk to him . I told him about me and my bfs conversation, and he heard carefully . When I finished I asked him his opinion. He said that he could see why I am hurt and that he is sorry for being a burden, I couldn’t hold back my tears and I told him that his not a burden ,that he is my best friend and I love him . He said that he believed me, and he continued saying what he started . He said that not many people will understand our situation because they will never be in our place and that’s okay, that I should understand them as much as they should understand me and that people make mistakes and say hurtful things to each other. He said that he liked my bf and that he is a good guy, but he can’t truly understand, and that’s acceptable because he has a different life, and maybe he felt that a third wheel . He told me that I should think of myself too, not only him.I thanked him for everything he said because it helped me a lot . Sometimes, I forget what an amazing person my brother grew up to be . I contacted my bf and told him that I can’t forgive him that easily and that if we end up together he has to fix some things and gain my trust back,if he is willing to do that we will take things slow. He agreed instantly, and I told him that I wanted to build our relationship again only if he promised that he would try to be more understanding and he agreed . For now that’s all about us . I know a lot of you told me to break up, and I was really considering doing that, but after 1 year, I wanna give it another chance . My brother agrees and my best friend agrees too. And about my parents, they never contacted me again That’s all for now. Sorry for the long update, but I think we will be fine because after all, we have each other. **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

AITA for having a special relationship with my brother?

CONCLUDED

Gullible-Engineer-65

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17sw629/aita_for_having_a_special_relationship_with_my/

17td0e3

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/PriorityWeekly8676 **Originally posted to** r/Marriage **Should I be worried about how my husband talks about his female nemesis?** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional infidelity, emotional manipulation!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/17kd8xc/should_i_be_worried_about_how_my_husband_talks/) - **October 30, 2023** I have this itch in my brain that I need to scratch. I (32f) am married to my husband (33m) for 5 years now. Recently, about a year ago, my husband's office hired a new employee, let's call her Jess (25f). My husband would often complain about how stupid she is. Here are some list of complains, she always tries to act smart even though she is a kid, she always laughs at silly little thing which he finds annoying, he sometimes criticized her carefree nature, he once told me she was dressed like a clown (she just wore red lipstick). It feels like every time he comes from the office it is always him complaining about her or what she did. And usually it is just some normal shit. He told me Jess teases him by calling him an old man. He really hates that. It feels like this girl Jess is always in his mind. The other day we went to shopping. I really liked a red shoe and asked my husband how I looked. He said it will look gorgeous on me. Then out of nowhere he said "Thank god you do not have stinky feet like Jess. She always wears shoes that looks weird on her." And then proceed to say how much he hates her and that she is his nemesis. This was clearly out of nowhere. The thing that confirmed my suspicion is that he follows jess on Instagram. We were sitting on our couch. I was watching a movie and he was scrolling through Instagram. He was on Jess's page literally binge watching her content. I mean if he hates her and hates everything she does then why is he stalking her? I did bring it up and he said that I am being ridiculous that I should know that he hates Jess. So thinking that there is something going on is making me look insecure. I do not know what to believe. My instincts tell me something else. But logically if he hates someone that much he wouldn't bring them up in every conversation. Where do I go next? &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Few-Scholar-9900:** Your husband's behavior towards Jess seems to be a classic case of "hate-following" on social media, which can be a sign of underlying attraction or obsession, and it's understandable that you're feeling insecure and concerned about it; it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and seeking couples therapy to address any underlying issues. > **OP:** I feel like there is something he is hiding from me. Eversince Jess came, he was more secretive. He always puts his phone down **Fallen_Hawker:** OOP really should read up on the sunk-cost fallacy. Seems like torture for both of them in their current state. Hopefully couples therapy helps them either move forward or break up. > **OP:** I feel like he is just wasting his time. My husband emotionally cheated but I still feel betrayed. I will never trust him. The relationship will never be the same. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/17o7thn/updateshould_i_be_worried_about_how_my_husband/) - **November 5, 2023** Well I have answers now. They were having an emotional affair. I came to know of it when I checked my husband's phone (don't give me all that crap about privacy). I pressed him hard on it and he admitted he has a thing for her. He had taken day off from work so that they can go hiking or just hangout. He swears he didn't sleep with her or kissed her. I am not sure about that. Their chats look more like banter. I asked him does he like her. He was hesitant but eventually admitted having a crush on her. I asked why? Why does he have a crush on her when she is not someone who he likes. His logic, "She makes me feel alive. She makes me to crazy things and she has an energy that makes me feel special". I am hopeless. For months I have asked him to take a break and we will go to Italy like we always wanted. He made nothing but excuses. I wanted to tell him he is chasing a fantasy. He likes the version of her she presented herself as. But who am I to convince a love sick man who would cheat on his wife of 5 years just because she is not energetic. I left my house. I am staying with a friend. I haven't decided on divorce yet. I am scared to start over at 32. I want to become a mother but that means I would waste my good years searching for another man. I cannot believe he is falling for the obvious manic pixie dream girl thing. If he really wanted energy and do crazy things why couldn't he just say that? I would love to go hiking, I would love to skip work and just be outside with him all day. Yet he choose a girl he claims he hates but not really. He has been calling and texting me non-stop. He wants to work this out. He even offered to quit and change his job but that's not going to solve anything will it? &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **WolverineNo8799:** If the house is in both of your names, move back home, and ask him to leave. He cheated, and he should be the one to move out.. Speak to several divorce attorneys in your area and pick one. Start the divorce process. Has your husband tried to contact you? Has he cut his AP off? > **OP:** I don't know. I haven't talked to him in 2 days since I moved here. And the house belonged to his grandma. But I don't want the house. We have spent some good memories there and those are all tainted. His defense is still that I shouldn't feel too bad because he never had a physical affair. **Commentator asks about the support and steps for reconciliation** > **OP:** Thanks, but I think I will take the divorce route. I do not think I will be able to reconcile. He still refuses to tell me the truth. I hardly think there wasn't anything physical between them. I just called a lawyer and set up an appointment. &nbsp; **DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED** **SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED** [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/17u5a55/update_2should_i_be_worried_about_how_my_husband/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - **November 12, 2023** I do not know how to start this update. For those of you who don’t know, yes I am taking the divorce route. I do not think I can reconcile with him after what he confessed to. The day after I made my last post my husband asked to talk to me. He said he is ready to be truthful because he doesn’t want this to ruin our marriage. He is willing to try therapy and counseling. He said he does have a crush on her and oftentimes did fantasize about Jess. But they are just fantasies. Nothing more. He confessed that though there hasn’t been any physical touch or contact, he did have a moment of weakness and they masturbated in front of each other. He swears he didn’t touch her. They just jerked off in front of each other IN HIS CAR. It was Jess’s idea. She knew about his crush but she has “morals” so they found a weird loophole. I wish I was joking because this sounds unreal to me. He is still insisting that was the only sexual thing they did. Nothing more. He has been begging me to come back home. He goes from begging to blaming me and when I said I want a divorce he was cursing me. I have served him. I have yet to hear from him or his lawyer. I know some people will say I am making a huge mistake and that I am throwing this out easily but I do not think I will be able to trust him again. If there is no trust in a relationship then what is there? I am surprised my parents were on my side. My mom told me I shouldn’t have to beg someone to love me or respect me. Him lying to me was a huge disrespect. That a relationship cannot survive if there is no respect. Also, I think I offended a lot of people from my last post because they thought I was saying women over 30 are old. I do not think that. But I grew up in a culture where women over 30 are considered leftover. Though my parents and family members do not think that, there are people around me who do and it has been ingrained. I have tried hard to unlearn it but there are some remnants. I do not know what the future holds for me. I am too depressed and angry to think that. P.S. Yes I am in therapy. I have been in and out of therapy since 25. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

Should I be worried about how my husband talks about his female nemesis?

NEW UPDATE

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17td0e3/should_i_be_worried_about_how_my_husband_talks/

17td0ol

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/sharing-an-apartment, **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **AITA for not allowing my boyfriend to have overnight houseguests?** Trigger Warnings: >!bipolar disorder mentions of psychosis!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17nssep/aita_for_not_allowing_my_boyfriend_to_have/) - **November 4, 2023** I am neurodivergent and bipolar I (prone to psychosis) and was diagnosed many years ago, long before I met my husband. He's been aware the entire time I've known him, and he knows there are some quirks and eccentricities about me because of my neurodivergence. I am high functioning (for lack of a better term) and so my issues may be invisible to many people but my partner, his family and my friends and family all know my situation. Specifically, I don't have overnight houseguests, and I don't allow guests past midnight unless it's pre-cleared with me. This is because the sounds and noises and interruptions of other people are a lot for me to handle, and I can only handle and "mask" so much before I am just completely spent and I eventually lose my temper/filter and either become enraged or start sobbing or even find myself unable to sleep for days on end and going psychotic because I'm so overstimulated and haven't slept. My husband's mother has never seen me this way and I hope she never does. Losing my temper and filter is not something I want to do around friends or family. I also need 2-4 hours to calm my brain down after a lot of socialization before I can go to sleep, hence my midnight cutoff. I don't feel this drained/stressed way around my partner, or he wouldn't be my husband. But everyone but him and my best friend of a decade, yes. My husband moved from his city (which his mother lives in, his father has passed long ago) to my city to be with me when we got married. Before he did that, I talked to him about how I can't have overnight houseguests. In two years of dating, neither of us has had an overnight houseguest except each other. He said he understood and it was no problem. But now, his mother wants to come to visit for a week at Christmas. And she wants to stay with us, in the "guest room" (my partner's office that has a bed in it also, he sleeps in there when I'm having trouble sleeping). This will require my partner to work in the kitchen, right beside my office corner (not really a room), causing a ton of noise and disruption, and we'll have another person around all the time draining my energy. Currently our offices are separated. My partner said he agreed with the overnight houseguests thing when he assumed I meant our friends. He says he never understood it to mean his *mother*. I've offered to pay for half a hotel when his mother comes to stay but he says that isn't the point and she doesn't want to come if she can't stay with us. We live in the city and the hotel is literally one block from us (this is not an exaggeration). I've stayed at it before for a week when I was waiting for our apartment to become ready and it's very classy. AITA for insisting his mother stays at a hotel when she visits so I can stay sane? TL;DR: I'm mentally ill with Bipolar I with Psychotic Features. Overnight houseguests totally set my mental illness off. AITA for not wanting his mom to stay with us? I talked to him about it before moving in together, but he didn't think houseguests referred to his mom so he didn't realize I meant her too. Edit: changed "houseguests" to "overnight houseguests" because this was confusing for some folks. Edit 2: Yes, I have been hospitalized for two weeks before for being psychotic. So "just grin and bear it" means I probably go back to the hospital for not sleeping and going crazy. I don't think this is a fair outcome for me. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **ConvivialKat:** NTA But, is he your BF or your husband? The title says BF, but you call him your husband in the post. In any case, the solution is pretty simple. If she insists on staying at your home, you go stay at the hotel. Look, it's not like you're being mean. And it's also not like he doesn't know about your mental health issues. I think he is intentionally obstructionist because he doesn't want a conflict with his Mom. Or he thinks you will cave in. Don't do it. You have a solution. But, honestly, has he even explained your mental health issues to his mom? It sounds like she has no clue. >**OP:** Husband of about six months, lol. I keep calling him my partner or boyfriend still. > >I'm totally doing the hotel thing. I'm going to talk to him tonight. People have given many helpful suggestions. > >His mother knows I am bipolar but does NOT know about the psychosis, almost nobody does. The amount of people that know about the psychosis is 3 total, including my husband (I typed boyfriend again, lol), best friend and psychiatrist. I am very private about it because it was the lowest point of my life to be hospitalized for two weeks. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17ohy6o/update_aita_for_not_allowing_my_boyfriend_to_have/) - **November 5, 2023** Here I am having talked to John and my MIL and I got a lot of messages asking for an update. I spoke to my husband "John" last night about the situation re: his mom staying in a hotel, and I explained that I would pay for and go to a hotel myself, or pay for half of his mother's hotel when she came. John was absolutely aghast. First, he was freaked out about me not running the house for the week (and having to take over my roles), as I had guessed. John has autism, and is very attached to his routines. Here's my role in the house, from one of my comments: > I do his laundry, taxes, all of the vet runs, all of the groomer runs, all of the grocery runs, I plan all of our doctors, dentist and optometrist appointments. I send out the Christmas cards. I'm the sole driver in the house and take him to all of his appointments, and I also get all of the car maintenance and washing done myself. I go to the pharmacy and dry cleaner for him. I replace anything that is broken or damaged, his or mine. I plan all of the date nights, all of our anniversaries, all of our vacations and trips. I picked all the furnishings for our apartment because doing so stressed him out. I do the budgeting, finances, and pay all of the bills (with both our money). ... It's maybe an hour a night for him to cook and clean, maybe four times a week (we get our own breakfasts and lunches, and eat out 3x a week), but I spend much more than an hour a day running the rest of the household. So, John was already having to make a stretch to his routine to have his mother visit, but to have his mother visit and me be gone? He REALLY didn't like that. Plus, he told me he hated the idea of not sleeping in the same bed with me for a week and that "this is a non-starter". So, he became amenable to calling his mother, which we were both nervous about because he had talked it up so much. They are from a culture where respecting your parents is very important and John was extremely afraid of offending his mother. We called her and explained the situation, saying that it's really hard for me to fall asleep unless I'm around him or my BFF and that's why I had the no houseguests role. We told her there was a place less than a block away that was a lovely four star hotel and we would be happy to pay for it. WELL. Then his mother started yelling/talking loudly. Not at me though. Best I can remember: JOHN YOU HAD A FIGHT WITH HER ABOUT ME STAYING THERE WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY TO PAY FOR ME TO STAY IN A FOUR STAR HOTEL? JOHN, I KNOW YOU HAD A FIGHT BECAUSE YOU NEVER BOTH CALL ME UNLESS IT'S A HOLIDAY. YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO STAY IN A FOUR. STAR. HOTEL. JOHN! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I STAYED IN A FOUR STAR HOTEL? LET ME TELL YOU, THE ANSWER IS NEVER! So his mom is EXTREMELY excited about staying in the four star hotel and now keeps making joking comments about how she might not even see us on the vacation because she will be at the spa, fancy restaurant etc. at the hotel. John is happy as pie about all of this because I'm happy and his mom is really happy. He doesn't care at all that she isn't staying with us, only that she wasn't offended by the hotel idea. Thanks to everyone that told me to respect my boundaries. All the best! &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Spinnerofyarn** I saw your first post and was expecting her to be really upset. I’m so happy for you that she isn’t! She sounds like a stellar MIL. > **OP:** Seriously, our interactions haven't been that positive but not rude, but she revealed on the call that "any mother" would "be salty" over her "baby" moving away, and that she's still adjusting. I was not expecting this and I'm so relieved. **Kidhauler55** Make sure SHE pays for the spa, fancy restaurant, room service, etc or your bill will go sky high! > **OP:** We're getting her a spa day for Xmas and now we think we're going to make it for the hotel. We're reimbursing her for the cost of the rooms up front, not afterwards (money is tighter for her) so I think it will be very obvious that things like spa etc. will be on her dime because it's her card paying for it (she asked if she could have the points and we said sure). &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for not allowing my boyfriend to have overnight houseguests?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17td0ol/aita_for_not_allowing_my_boyfriend_to_have/

17td29q

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Tweed_fox **My boyfriend (29M) told me (27F) that there was a chance he'd leave me if I was infertile.** **Originally posted to** r/TwoXChromosomes **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!fertility issues, emotional manipulation, betrayal of trust!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/gVkfVXZBsy)  **Oct 25, 2023** I was really sick from ages 22-24 with my lungs and almost died. The doctors still to this day can't tell me what caused it and I recovered but still have minor breathing issues from time to time. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1.5 years and recently been talking more about children in our future. We unfortunately never spoke about things like infertility, which sadly runs in my family. I was quite taken aback when he said there was a chance he'd leave our relationship if I couldn't safely carry a child because of my lungs (currently being reinvestigated) or I was infertile. When I asked him if he was the infertile one, he said he expected me to do the same, but it's something I'd personally never consider leaving him over. We revisited the conversation the next day and he went from saying there was a chance to him stating he's '95% sure' he wouldn't leave me. I, of course, would never stand in his way of being a father, but I can't seem to shake off the fact that there's this condition attached to our relationship now. It's made me feel like my value is attached to my fertility and I'm starting to view him in a different light. Am I just being oversensitive? EDIT: I just wanted to note that I'm not actually confirmed to be infertile. I'm just at a slight risk because I've had a few women in my family that have had infertility issues and there's also the concern I wouldn't be able to safely carry a baby due to my lungs. We would obviously have to run tests to have anything confirmed. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/doUzFRbqIu)  **Nov 5, 2023** Thank you for everyone who commented and messaged me directly on my recent post about my boyfriend saying he'd potentially leave me if I were infertile. We took a week break and came back to discuss what happened. He explained that he didn't mean what he said and he was 'in shock' because our relationship was falling apart but I still feel doubtful when even after 24 hours he only changed it to being '95%' sure he wouldn't leave and during our recent discussion, he admitted he didn't understand exactly how hurtful it would be for me to hear something like that. After reading everyone's comments, speaking to my friends, family and therapist, we've ended our relationship. Unfortunately, I've realised that after my boyfriend told me there'd be a possibility he'd leave me if I were infertile, that I'm sadly never going to feel secure in this relationship knowing that he's told me he is unable to support and stick by me should I face health issues in the future, and it's making me doubt if he can show up for me at all. Which admittedly, he's failed to be there for me already this year during my multiple family deaths and important health appointments. I'm devastated and the most heartbroken I've ever been as I really thought we had a loving and caring relationship and that we would be able to build an amazing life together but I've realised I'm choosing someone who's never going to choose me and that I deserve better. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My boyfriend (29M) told me (27F) that there was a chance he'd leave me if I was infertile.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17td29q/my_boyfriend_29m_told_me_27f_that_there_was_a/

17td31q

**DnD Grandma Edition New Updates** **I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Therusticate **Originally posted to** r/DnD [Original BoRU](https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/xNXNQXA5vx) **was posted by** u/Maria_Zelar **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Death!< **MOOD SPOILER:** >!just all the onions getting chopped!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/spa7q7/dnd_grandma_edition/hwhjnpo/) **Feb 10, 2022** While my parents are away for a week, I am going to be caring for my grandmother. She is 99 years old and she loves the fantasy genre. She reads a lot, and enjoyed watching Game of Thrones, LOTR, The Witcher, and Outlander. She does her daily crossword and likes jigsaw puzzles. With all that knowledge in hand, what better activity than DnD? Right now, she doesn’t do much but her puzzles, her books, and her shows. Getting her engaged and interested in her own story would be so good for her! So to make this as easy as possible for her to keep up with, I called her on the phone to ask if she would even want to try. She seemed excited but nervous and I assured her that for right now, all she has to think about is who she wants to be. An elven archer? A dwarf with a huge battle axe? A human who can use magic? Next, when I arrive, I’m going to interview her and ask her questions about her character. (What’s their name? When you picture them, are they human? Half orc? “Hobbit?” What’s more important to you: being clever or being strong?) I’m going to roll up her sheet myself and make a paper tent for her to have in front of her where I can see her modifiers and give her a dry erase board for her to make notes on. And a notebook to write things down in as well. I’m going to find pictures of important inventory items so she can see them in front of her instead of trying to make her read small print, and pictures of NPCs and important people so she can hold onto it and get a little more immersed. I’ve found some foam dice with large numbers in case she has trouble reading a smaller set and I’m making the map big for her. I’ve written a very simple “go get this item” one-shot that I can expand or shorten for her and I’ll be focusing on role play, very light combat, and puzzles (she loves puzzles!) I’m doing most of her on the fly math and giving simple instructions such as “roll this dice, you have to make a 12 or more to succeed.” And giving her an NPC to help make suggestions and ease her into role playing. Lots of pictures to show her and simplified rules that I’ll remind her of in case she forgets. And note cards she can read. I’m thinking one bite sized session to see if she likes it, and ordering her favorite food to snack on while we do this. Then at the end, I’m going to use all the notes and things we did to write it into a story form and print it out so she can read it as many times as she wants. She seems excited and I am too! She’ll probably be more into it once she gets started and comfortable with everything, so we’re taking it slow and then upping the difficulty if she takes to it super well. And if she doesn’t, we can stop at anytime if she’s frustrated or tired and switch to something she wants to watch or do instead. (I also brought jigsaw puzzles and no harm no foul if she ends up disliking the session.) I’ll let you know how it goes! If anyone has ideas for making dnd elderly-friendly, I’m all ears! EDIT: Guys, I am ASTOUNDED at how this blew up. So much positivity and constructive ideas that I’ve been writing down to try! I can’t get over the encouragement and support for getting my awesome grandma in on one of my favorite hobbies. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. The session will be sometime during the last week of February and first week of March so I’m taking the time to prepare something great and looking into your recommendations! I’m just a nerd who loves DnD with an awesome grandmother who needs an adventure, and you have all given me so many ideas to help bring it to life. I am forever grateful. I will be updating you as soon as I have updates and I am incredibly stoked to see how she likes it. Even if she says “not for me,” the fact that she’s willing to try is incredible. She actually asked me “What if I ruin it all?” And I was so happy to tell her that she cannot possibly ruin this for me or anyone. As long as she has a good time, I am happy. ♥️ I think we can all agree, she’s OUR grandma now. **Updates in same post:** **UPDATE 2/23/22:** The day nears! Grandma got my letter and she contacted ME to talk about the letter she received in the mail “from a town in need.” It turns out that I don’t have to interview her after all for character creation; she came up with her character on the phone with me. Everyone, I would like to introduce you to Elegon the ranger. He is a human archer who’s looks are based on Henry Cavill in “The Witcher.” And she was very specific: “he has light brown hair, NOT white!” Elegon lives in the forest with his red wolf, Taj, and has a soft spot for children of animals and people alike. Elegon worries that his soft spot for children will hinder his mission but feels obligated to protect the defenseless in any way that he can. She requested that Elegon be “fleet of foot,” and strong, prioritizing dexterity, strength and wisdom. He is ready to go to the town of Delvin to find the Key of Life that was stolen, and aims to bring both it and a group of missing knights home safe from a feared sorcerer in the area. I have gotten her dice, all different colors as was suggested to me for easy learning. (THANK YOU FOR THIS SUGGESTION!) In addition, she came up with a dragon! (“This IS dungeons and dragons after all!”) she wants her backstory to include the interaction with a dragon called Thrac and her baby dragon Mock, and I have just the way to incorporate it into the story without having her fight her (with a backup plan in case she insists!) My mom sent me a video of her going over my letter and taking notes for her character. She talked to me for a couple of hours last week to nail down some details and talk about Elegon. Guys: I’m SO EXCITED. She’s getting so into it and I’ve nearly cried from happiness at seeing her so engaged! When I arrive, we’ll nail down some final details with her character and do a session 0 to help her get a feel for the game and then it’s off to Delvin to meet with a town who needs help. I can barely contain my excitement, y’all! **UPDATE 2/28/2022:** WE DID IT, GUYS! Elegon has had his first adventure, I made a new post here: [Update Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/t3fxs5/dnd_grandma_edition_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/t3fxs5/dnd_grandma_edition_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) **Feb 28, 2022** Good morning, everyone! A little over two weeks ago I posted about getting my 99 year old grandmother into DnD. (Link: \[[https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/spa7q7/dnd\_grandma\_edition/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf)\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/spa7q7/dnd_grandma_edition/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)\]) Everyone was so supportive and helpful with their tips! I am very excited to share the results of Session 0 and Session 1! Grandma made a character named Elegon, a human ranger with a red wolf named Taj. Elegon stands about 6’1”, and is based off of Henry Cavill in “The Witcher.” He has long brown hair and prefers his longbow, but will use a short sword in close combat. Her Session 0 is the story of how she met Taj. One day while hunting in the woods, Elegon hears a scream, and upon investigation unfortunately finds the body of a young woman. He investigates, and uses his Speak With Animals to talk to a rabbit who saw the whole thing. This information brings him to a cave guarded by goblins! He is able to finish off two of the goblins and bribe the third out of information about who and what is in the cave. Prepared to confront a terrifying sorceress, Elegon delves into the cave where he finds three cages full of animals; a dead dove clutching a letter, a white wolf engulfed in light who seems to be growing weaker by the second, and a snarling red wolf. Chains hang from the walls, and hold empty shackles. No doubt that this sorceress is behind the death of that poor girl. Elegon leaps into action and restrains the sorceress, making sure to use non-lethal damage. After freeing the red wolf, he then drags her into a cage and locks the door. Unfortunately, the white wolf didn’t make it and the red wolf laments that his pack has been killed. This sorceress is famous for leeching life out of creatures and people that she finds beautiful. They investigated the letter clutched by the dead dove and endeavor to stop this sorceress and her father from crippling a town called Delvin with their dark magic. — All in all, she did GREAT! And she loved the story! She had some problems making choices, and I adjusted to either guide her to a choice or gave her a time limit to make a decision and both worked well. She has a dry erase board with some of her abilities, and it turns out that assigning the bonuses to her on paper for her to calculate was hard on her so I had her roll and then said things like “okay, now add 4.” This was a lot better for her. She LOVES her color coded dice, a suggestion made on my last post! She also loves her mini; a ranger that I’ll need to paint! My niece is also staying with me, age 14, and got her own session 0, and fell in love with the game. (She plays a rogue!) Session 1 with both of them went spectacular. They spent a lot of time investigating and gat some great information for their efforts. Niece was good at talking things through and helping with decision making and they were able to complete several puzzles and rounds of combat together. So far, grandma likes the puzzles but really has taken to role play and combat! The campaign will probably wrap up in Session 2, but then grandma told me “can we play every day you’re here?” so I’m taking out the back up docs to lead them into the next part of this adventure if they finish up the quest they’re on. I am still writing out the adventure logs of session 1, and I’m happy to share if wanted when I’m done. Probably the greatest thing is that grandma has ideas galore for lore and story additions and I’m taking them all and applying them, but giving them a twist so she doesn’t expect them, and she likes that. As suggested, I was able to film some of the adventure and I will treasure that forever. Let me know if you want any more updates on her story and how she’s doing. This was an overwhelming success and I have all of you to thank for the encouragement and help you provided. Thank you so so much. It looks like I may have to make it down to grandma’s house more often to take her on more adventures! ♥️ [Update 2 - Mom's Turn](https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/comments/twxrub/dnd_grandma_edition_moms_turn/)  **Apr 5, 2022** Hello everyone! I’m writing to update on the next session of the adventure! I posted in February about my grandma playing dnd with me for the first time and now my mother wants in on the fun! I’ve been encouraging mom to play for YEARS; she’s a Trekkie and a die hard Tolkien fan, and now that she sees that literally anyone can play (we got a 14 year old and a 99 year old in the same campaign- ANYTHING is possible,) she says she’s ready to try! Introducing our resident harmicist (cleric) Socáir! Socár is a 600+ year old elf who has seen civilizations rise and fall, and suffered heavy loss to his own people many years ago. Socáir has less of an interest in gods and deities and more of an interest in keeping the balance of good and evil secure, lest the world be thrown into chaos. After hearing about the trouble with an evil warlock defeated at the hands of a scrappy rogue and a ranger on the side of good, he realizes that he’s seen the pattern of darkness before, about 100 years ago… Meanwhile, Elegon has received a letter from a group that has begged him to come assist with a most pressing matter: a sacred stag has gone mad. This demigod, now unhinged for an unknown reason, poses a threat to the forest around it and the people who live there. Could Elegon’s new enemy be behind this mayhem? He was generous enough to let the warlock live after all he had done, but all choices have consequences… This time a greater threat is revealed, and new puzzles are being introduced! * I’m giving them “visions” which come in the form of a portrait or picture cut into pieces that the vision haver must assemble themselves, then they get the real picture or portrait! * Messages written backwards! Let’s see how quick they pick up on why there’s a hand mirror at the table ;) * And my crown jewel: the codex, a metal password puzzle that pulls open to reveal a compartment that will fit something small like jewelry or a scroll. They won’t get the answer right away but it sure is neat! [The Codex](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08RB868R8/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_PR6BX6YKZE6HCCM7T3HK#) The story continues, and I upped my letter game to include wax seals and fancy paper and grandma loved it. The pattern of sending a written invitation and then calling to set the actual date is good for her and we’ll probably continue with that. Grandma continues to write lore and this time she demands tree dragons! Tree dragons as in dragons who are able to mimic and blend in with the trees and jump out at passerby’s. I love it. It fits my story, and it’s dope as hell so I’m doing it. She’s pretty good at this homebrew stuff! Things are going well! I’ll let you know how mother and daughter do together and I’m hoping to get niece back in that weekend too! The thought of having 4 generations at the same table playing DnD is just undeniably amazing to me and I’m very lucky to have such an awesome family. Thanks for listening, guys! I’ll give grandma your well wishes! ##**NEW UPDATES** * [Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DnD/s/7kW4UqXkRF)  **May 4, 2022** DnD: Grandma Edition Update! Hey guys, I have another update for you! Things have been a little busy lately so I’m keeping it short for now. If you haven’t seen my 99 year old grandma’s awesome dnd adventures, feel free to check my posts! The adventures of Elegon continue! This time accompanied by a cleric named Socáir, played my my mother! It was mom’s first time playing and she absolutely KILLED it! I was worried she’d have trouble with preparing spells but she took to it like a fish to water. Grandma has gotten even better at making choices and playing to character! She loved her tree dragons and is on the hunt for her nemesis, Calavan! They opened an ancient puzzle pointing to an ancient deity bent on destroying reality as we know it! I have to tell you my favorite part: they were exploring an abandoned mine and a handful of smoke and mud and steam mephits attacked! Socáir left the area to stop the battle but Elegon said “maybe they’re trying to play? I bet they’re lonely down here.” And then spent some time playfully kicking the sand around them, halfheartedly swinging his sword and laughing with them. After a WONDERFUL performance check, they played with Elegon and then left them alone. (Who the hell is cutting onions??) Just goes to show you. Sometimes the best way to deal with the situation is a little love. Now onto the other news: Grandma is in the hospital after a minor surgery but is having trouble recovering. She will be there for a few days, and I hope it’s all she needs. She’s in good spirits, but I would be very appreciative if everyone could send some good thoughts our way. I’ll let you know how she’s doing and hopefully we’ll be back in the adventure in no time. Be well everyone, and don’t forget to show a little love today. ♥️ UPDATE ON GRANDMA’S HOSPITALIZATION: After a very touch and go period to get her to recover from the anesthesia, grandma is back up and walking around. She made it home after over a week in the hospital and is going to be going through physical therapy and rehab to recover. We’re now pretty optimistic and she called me to ask when the next session is! We’ll play again next week. Thanks for all of your support for my awesome granny! [Final Update](https://reddit.com/r/DnD/s/ig6h4xUJsJ)  **Oct 13, 2023** Hey guys, I posted a long time ago about my grandma agreeing to play DnD with me and everyone gave some EXCELLENT advice on how to make the game fun and comfortable for her. (Check the posts on my profile for the background info!) Our adventures are something i will treasure forever. I am sad to tell you all that grandma has passed. She was 101 years old and was as lucid as possible until her final week. I was able to spend one last precious day of laughter and joy with her before she died. We had several sessions and great adventures. She enjoyed our battle sequences but never chose violence if it could be avoided. Her character, Elegon, was mighty and peaceful, dating back to our very first adventure when she refused to kill a horrible necromancer. Elegon was known from then on as “Elegon the Merciful.” Grandma herself was a creative soul and a lover of good stories. She was also a wonderful mother and a protector of her family. She helped support her family through the Great Depression. When the boys went to war in World War II, she went to work. She provided for her three younger sisters through the years and one of my favorite stories was of her saving tirelessly to buy her baby sister a beautiful pink prom dress. She was a wonderful mother to her 4 kids, an excellent grandmother to us cousins, and even met her 4 great grandchildren in her lifetime. Her default was to be kind. To forgive. She loved me through some dark times and terrible decisions and through happy times and moments of victory. Her death was from natural causes, and that brings comfort. A lot of deaths feel like theft, like something was taken from you. For Grandma, it was like the ache of reading the last page of a fantastic book before closing it for the last time. It hurts, but nothing was taken or stolen. Her story simply ended naturally and without the need to fight or resist. She was incredibly smart and sweet and a joy to be around, and she was grateful to you all for making the game special for her. If you have a moment during your day, please feel free to raise a glass to Elegon the Merciful and do something nice for someone else in Grandma’s honor. Thank you so much for being a part of our adventure. [Picture of Grandma herself, her dice and mini of Elegon and Taj](https://imgur.io/a/0E6MAgn) ETA: Elegon was described by Grandma as being a human ranger “that looks like Henry Cavill in the Witcher but with brown hair not white hair “ and I don’t care what level she was, if your elderly grandmother wants a direwolf you give her a damn direwolf **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

DnD Grandma Edition - New Updates

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17td31q/dnd_grandma_edition_new_updates/

17tdjwd

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/CapableEmergency5154](https://www.reddit.com/user/CapableEmergency5154/). They posted in r/AmItheAsshole and their own page. This was one of the top voted AITA posts in the last few weeks. **Trigger Warnings:** >!threatening behavior (OOP is not physically harmed)!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!bizarre, but OOP is ok!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17o47it/aita_for_not_telling_my_boyfriend_i_own_the/)**: November 4, 2023** Hi! Obviously a throwaway for privacy, also am new to posting so I hope I do this correctly! When I was 18, my dad gifted me a house with two stories. I am extremely thankful, we are not upper class but my dad bought this house for a cheap price a long time ago (it was his grandmothers cousin's house). I know that this was an extreme privilege and I am forever grateful for this. The layout of this building is like an apartment, but it is a house. So basically, each story has its own separate entry, its own kitchen and bathroom. I live upstairs while I rent out the downstairs. My boyfriend 25m moved in with me about three months ago and we have been together for six months. I have not asked him for money, neither for utilities or to pay me any rent. The only thing he contributes to is groceries, that we split 50/50. I have not brought up that I own the building as it is not something I tell many people, if people ask me I of course tell them that I own it, but if they just assume I am a renter then they can believe that. The topic of a landlord, the renter downstairs or the owner of the building has not been something we have talked about. This last Tuesday the renter came up to tell me that her freezer has stopped working. I answered the door and my boyfriend heard us talking I suppose. I went downstairs to take a look and we came to the conclusion that she would buy a new one, send me the receipt and I would give her the money. She was very grateful for this solution. When I went upstairs my boyfriend asked if it could be fixed, I told him no, but she was going to buy a new one and I would pay for it. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked me why the hell I would pay for her freezer, I told him that because I am her landlord and the freezer was there when she started renting, I would stand for the cost. He just asked me if I was serious, to which I said I was. He begun screaming at me, asking him why the hell I would hold this information from him and that I was an evil person. I said I was sorry for not telling him but I did not think that it would matter. He said he could not believe he was together with someone who is a landlord, that all of us just use people for money and that the only thing “we people” care about is money and would rather have people be homeless then offering affordable rent. (The downstairs is 1 kitchen, 1 bath and 4 other rooms, I charge 500 dollars in rent). I understand many people have had trouble with landlords, but I try my best to be a good one. He demanded that I give him 50% of the money I make from rent or else I was just as bad as he thought. Was I really the asshole for not telling him? He has not talked to me since Tuesday and I have tried telling him that I am truly sorry but he doesn’t answer me at all. Edit: obligatory edit to add that I certainly did not expect this to blow up the way it did, I have tried to read as much as I can. Thank you all for your advice and support, I have talked with him and I will update later tonight when I had have time to process everything that went down and try to write it out as best as I can. For the people who was worried about my safety, I called my dad who was sat outside in his car when I talked with my boyfriend and I am safe as of right now and hope it will continue that way. Thanks yet again to everyone ***Relevant Comments:*** *I'm assuming he never offered to pay half the rent otherwise this would have come up?* "No he did not offer to pay for any of the rent, if he offered I would have explained to him that I own the building. In hindsight, I should have told him that it was my building that he would be living in with me even if he did ask or not. I think that his outburst really showed how he was, I thought about breaking up with him but also thought I was maybe overthinking it. If it comes to that, at least I learned something for future relationships" *He wants half of it just cause??? Wtf?* "He sees it as both a way of me proving that I am not renting as a way to grab money from people, so that is money is not what I care about I should have no trouble giving him half, but also as a way to prove to him that I am sorry for not telling him earlier that I own to building." *This seems fake because it's so random and his thought process is completely illogical:* "Idk really know exactly how his brain works or process things, I wish I did. From what I know from these last three months of living with him is he very often blame other people for his misfortune and at the same time expect people to sacrifice things to make it better for him. Thinking back it should have been obvious red flags but it was clearly not for me at the time. His employer did not want to give him a pay raise, he got explained to him that it was mainly due to him sleeping in often, taking longer breaks then what they are generally allowed and his work not being in line of where he should be with his experience. He got frustrated because he believed he should have this raise, then asked me if I thought it would be reasonable to ask them to cut his hours to 75% work time but with the same monthly pay still. The more I think about everything the more confused with myself I become, it really does seem like my thumbs write things that really couldn’t have happen, but crazy enough, it did. Guess there are people for everything" *More on what OOP is charging:* "I don’t live in the us, and while I live in a very good area, it is a small community with only 3000 people living here. I think for a place like this in a area like this the rent is about 600-700, so it is a bit under the market. The prices are not 100% accurate when converting but about that" *You're obviously rich and not upper middle class:* "The house has been on my dads side of the family for a very long time, my grandmothers cousin did not have any kids and therefore asked my dad if he wanted to buy it or else she would sell it. My dad bought it for no more than 15k, which is extremely extremely cheap, it was a bit run down at the time and we both worked on it to make it nicer. My dad work as an engineer and my mom work as a cleaner, so no, we are not upper class, just happen to find ourselves in an extremely lucky situation. I really don’t see how it is much different from people having 50k to access in a savings account when they turn 18" ***OOP is voted NTA.*** **Mini Update in** [Comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17o47it/aita_for_not_telling_my_boyfriend_i_own_the/k7wgt0q/?context=3)**: November 5, 2023 (Next Day)** "I am currently at Work (i don’t live in the us so different time zones and i work weekends) To those who have been supportive, thank you. After all your comments i think this relationship need to come to an end, but I will try and talk with him today or tomorrow and see what he says. To those who think this is made up, trust me when I say I wish this was. I can’t speak for why he said things that contradict each other, that only he can have an answer to Ending the relationship should not be that hard emotionally, even though I have grown to like him, seeing and realizing what you helped me do, the emotions you can gather in six months are easy to overcome." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/CapableEmergency5154/comments/17olb9v/update_to_my_aita_post/)**: November 5, 2023 (Same day as the mini update)** This is going to be extremely rushed, lack details and maybe not be so clear. I apologize for that and I tried my best writing out everything as clearly with as much detail as I could. Sorry if it feels a bit anticlimactic reading it due to the style of how I wrote it, I tried. Before get on with the update, I just want to give some answers to frequently asked questions and some claims I have seen. Also would like to note that I am not in the US, neither do I live in a country where English is the first language. 1. Why on earth I would charge 500 dollars in rent for a place with 5 rooms? I don’t live in the us, neither is this place in the city. It is a place about 1 hour drive from the nearest city, 15 minutes to the nearest store. We still are about 3000 people who live here, but what we have is a preschool, one playground and school for kids ages 6-9 and a church. The cost for other places with the same amount of rooms in this place is about 600-700, it can be a bit more if the place is newly renovated, have a nice view, have a garage etc etc. many factors play in, the building I own don’t have a garage, is not newly renovated except new floors and wallpapers in rooms that we changed. (Also other stuff that you NEED to change, like stoves, bathtub, toilet etc but I don’t see that as a full on renovation). So even though the rent is below market rate, I still make enough from it to cover outstanding expenses regarding the house. 2. That this story would be fake. You can bet I would have loved it if this was something my mind just came up with, but it is not. I have seen some people claiming it is fake for different reasons, being that if it was real, rent would be higher, but as seen in 1 I already explained why. Another reason is that my bf would not hate on landlords then want to participate in having money from the rent. Do everything everyone always make sense, no, did this make sense, absolutely not. I can’t tell you all why he would say that, I am not him. 3. Why would you move in with someone after 3 months? He had problems with his recent living situation, told me about it, I offered to let him stay with me for as long as he needed/wanted. I did this as a nice gesture as I did not want him to be homeless and he expressed that he would feel like a failure if he moved back in with his parents. On to the update. I read as much as I possibly could and after thinking about this, also about previous stuff I just brushed off, I decided I would break up with him. It may seem like an impulsive decision, but after everything I felt that the sooner, the better it would be. I texted my dad and explained a bit off it all to him, I asked him if he would be willing driving to my place and sit in the driveway when I was going to talk with my boyfriend and he without hesitation said yes. I thought about what I would tell him and how I would lay it out. I was extremely nervous about how it would go and not going to lie, I was scared after all the people telling me I should be careful and that he may try to hurt me. When I got home he was already there, I just greeted him and he of course said nothing. I texted my dad, my dad got here and I sat down on the couch besides my boyfriend (he did not know my dad was here). I can’t recall the exact details of the conversation, as my mind tends to blank out in stressful situations, but I will try my best to recite it. Me - I think we need to have a talk with each other if this relationship is going to work. Him- So you are ready to apologize? Me- I will apologize for not telling you that you lived in my building, which I have apologized for many times already. I will not apologize for not giving you a part of my income. Him - And why is that such a big deal to you? If you don’t rent out for the purpose of taking peoples money, you should have no problem giving any of that money away. Me - I really try to understand how you think. You think I am in it for the money and think I am a bad person for renting out the downstairs complex, but yet you want money from it. Don’t you understand that it seems like you are just in it for the money? I rent out the downstairs for 500$, if you really believe all landlords are money grabbers and not good people, would you like me to donate half off it to charities specifically for housing? Around here is where the calm, collected and fine conversation ended. My memory from all of this is still all around the place, the gist of it is him telling me I was crazy for even thinking he wanted anything to do with the money for selfish reasons. That I should just trust what he says. He said he regret ever meeting me, that he would make sure all my friends knew how I really was. He said that we were through, he threw my keys at me, he tried punching a hole in the wall (unsuccessfully). By this time I had already texted my dad who came in to see what he was doing. My boyfriend just laughed and told us both he never wants to see us again and that he was out. I know this is extremely extremely rushed, but it all just happened so fast and was incredibly stressful. It was much more said and much more done, but in all honesty, I don’t really have the best recollection of everything. I tried to write out all the important stuff and if I in a few days have managed to take care of my emotions and calm myself down, I will try to at least comment and answer questions if any of you all have any for me. The conversation I tried to recite seems very cold and emotionless, in reality it was more emotions and other words, I just tried writing it out as best as I could However, I am safe, he can’t come in here because he threw his key at me so he don’t have it anymore. He is now my ex-boyfriend and I will contact him in some time asking about when he would be able to pick up his stuff. I don’t know where he is staying, neither do I really care.

AITA for not telling my boyfriend I own the building we live in?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17tdjwd/aita_for_not_telling_my_boyfriend_i_own_the/

17u3cky

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/throwra_10888, **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **My MIL doesn't let me have sex with my husband** Trigger Warnings: >!controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, death of a parent!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/171yt2v/my_mil_doesnt_let_me_have_sex_with_my_husband/) - **Oct 6, 2023** My husband and I got married a year ago. He and I didn't live together before, in fact we hardly saw each other because we both worked and studied at the same time, so our time was quite limited. We got married and went to live together in his apartment. Unfortunately two months after our wedding his father died in an accident. My mother-in-law and my husband (who is an only child) were devastated as it was quite sudden. My mother-in-law, left alone, began to suggest to my husband that we move with her to her house to keep her company, but because she is from another state we couldn't due to our jobs and college. Then she came to us, our apartment is 2 rooms, so my mother-in-law occupied one and my husband and I occupied another. I mean my mother-in-law never liked me. She is one of the mothers who think "that no woman is good enough for her son." As a couple who are still "in the honeymoon stage" we had sex very frequently. Every day, even up to twice a day. This changed when my mother-in-law arrived, since the apartment is small so I didn't feel comfortable doing it with her living there. The thing is that when we did have sex with my husband, my mother-in-law magically "interrupted us." It didn't matter what time it was, even if it was 3 AM she casually got up and knocked on our door asking "What are we doing?" Or telling my husband that she feels bad because her head hurts or things like that. This has been going on since my mother-in-law moved in with us, it's been a stressful 7 months. Besides, I have no privacy of any kind, she criticizes everything I do, especially my food. My husband tries to give me my place, saying things like: "it's not true mom, the food tastes good." What really annoyed me was the fact that she started saying that several things of value and money were lost in her room casually the day I stayed at home. (I had the day off from work and study in the afternoons) I really got fed up, I told my husband that this really wasn't what I expected. I agreed to let her move in with us because my father-in-law passed away and I was really trying to be empathetic to her and her pain, but I'm not going to let her call me a thief. Now I'm at my parents' house, my husband keeps calling me and sending me messages to come back, but I don't know what to do anymore. This is really stressful. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Kampfzwerg0** Is your husband fine with that too? Does he want a sexless marriage? Or would that for him and MIL be an excuse to have an affair or tell you it’s your fault because you are not a good wife. She accusing you of stealing would be the moment I where I would have kicked her out and tell husband to go with her. He doesn’t show you any respect. Neither does she. Sometimes it really needs to hurt to make space for change. You accepted way too much. Talk to him but make a list of all the things she has done. Don’t let him interrupt you. And then tell him to show you all the things your parents have done to him. I am pretty sure that list isn’t long. Show him how unnormal his and his mothers behaviour is. >**OP:** >I don't think so, he seems pretty frustrated since we stopped having sex. But he doesn't try to start anything either because he knows that his mother is going to interrupt us anyway. After she interrupts us we no longer continue with sex &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17pjscb/update_my_mil_doesnt_let_me_have_sex_with_my/) - **November 6, 2023** Hello good evening Thank you all for your advice and comments, I tried to read them all. I wanted to give you a little update. I returned with my husband last Thursday. While I lived with my parents we were talking and seeing each other. The first time I agreed to talk to him I told him that he really had to do something about his mother because our relationship was going down the drain. He kicked his mother out. She didn't take it so well. Remember how I told you she wanted to sell her house? Well, she actually did, she put her house up for sale. What surprised me so much is that she listed her house for sale at well below the average cost considering where that house is located. Apparently she was about to close the deal with some potential buyers. She hasn't communicated with anyone since she left. We also don't know if she returned to her house. And now everything is fine. My husband also thanked me because he couldn't stand having his mother in our apartment anymore. I also made it very clear to my husband that if his mother had behaved differently I would never really have minded if she stayed with us. I feel a little bad for her but she really brought it on herself, I was always kind despite her treatment. Thanks guys for your comments and advice. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

My MIL doesn't let me have sex with my husband

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Choice_Evidence1983

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17u3cva

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Earth_Says_Hello, **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH for rescinding letting my friend live at our house?** &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17nr4o7/aitah_for_rescinding_letting_my_friend_live_at/?share_id=hrNxMHs5La4_JxJzJkuwT&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 4, 2023** Technically a WIBTAH. My husband (40) and I (38) spend our winters down south my with my family, leaving our large home up north vacant for months at a time, starting after Thanksgiving. We like to offer the house, for free, to people we know while we're gone, since otherwise it just sits vacant. We prefer knowing someone is here if something goes wrong, while our friends get a vacation (and unlike an AirBnb, professional cleaners come in every other week, so there is no maintenance). We offered the house to my friend, Jill (39) and her fiance, Jack (41). Jill already has a condo, but Jack's children don't have a place to stay there, so we hoped they would want the larger space so the kids could visit more. Jack jumped on it, with Jill saying she would stay on weekends. A couple of weeks later Jill told me she and Jack had broken up. Jack was going to stay with Jill for 1.5 months, then move into our house. We were okay with that. At that point, it seemed like all four of us would still remain friendly and maybe even continue our weekly game nights. A week after that, Jill told me that Jack was already dating around while living at her place. He would get on dating sites next to her on the couch and was texting constantly and going out at night. She said it was hard to see him dating just a couple weeks after their breakup, but that she understood this was how he was handling things.g A couple weeks after that, Jill told me she no longer wanted to be included on group chats with Jack. Jack had started a relationship with a another woman and things had gotten ugly enough Jill asked him to move out. He was living on a friend's couch and was posting pictures of this new woman on FB. My husband and I started to feel uncomfortable with Jack staying here. It was one thing when it was Jack, Jill, and the kids; it's another with Jack and a bunch of dates or Jack and a new lady eve never met. We didn't hear from Jack during this time so everything was coming from Jill or FB. But Jack just didn't seem to be in the same headspace as when we spent time with him. I had concern that he couldn't keep it together for 1.5 months to move into our place. I don't want to be judgmental of Jack's sex life or coping methods, but I don't feel like he's treating my friend well. We started reaching out to other people for staying at the house. Jack finally contacted us today and asked when we would give him the grand tour. I realize, now, that Jack could really use the place to stay more than anyone we know. And we did tell him he could stay. But I just feel skeevy/uncomfortable letting him stay here and I feel like a bad friend to Jill (who has encouraged us not to let this interfere with our friendship with Jack and who has said she thinks Jack is a good guy, but "immature and spiteful"). WIBTAH telling Jack we are rescinding our offer for him to stay three weeks before he's supposed to? Am I wrong assuming this would absolutely kill any chance of friendship if/when Jack stops what seems like his middle crisis? &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Fragrant-Tomatillo19:** NTA. But you need to listen to previous commenter. Your friendship was based mainly with Jill, and Jack received the invitation to stay incidentally because he and Jill were a unit. I completely understand your distaste for and hesitation about him now. The main reason to uninvite Jack is what the previous person stated: he is currently couch surfing and if he’s able to have stable housing at your place, he’s not going to want to give it up, especially since he has kids. The length of time he stays could grant him residency and then you’ll have to go through a formal eviction process. It can open a huge can of worms for you, so you should err on the side of caution and rescind the offer to Jack. It will spare everyone what could easily turn into a nightmare. >**OP:** Oh geez, I hadn't even considered the squatter issue. We've been doing this for years, but with closely-trusted friends (ie Jill-level), that I'd not even considered someone taking advantage of it. Regardless what we do, I think we need to come up with a contract. **AzazelJeremiel:** NAH whatever you decide. I know it's not necessarily what the post is about but it doesn't seem like Jack is doing anything wrong from what you've told us. Jill even said it's okay for you to remain friends with him. You shouldn't feel like you have to refuse him for Jill's sake, it seems like she's just salty that he has moved on so quickly. >**OP:** I don't have an issue with Jack moving on at whatever speed he wishes. Jill doesn't either; she said it was painful to see him move on, but that she understands that is how he deals with heartache and so this was expected. When I got divorced 10+ years ago, I was very conscious of judgment that comes with "moving on too fast," and I still got judged (The answer is that people who still supported your ex will think any amount of time is "too fast"). So I try not to put that on others. > >The issue comes in that Jill not only offered to let him stay after their breakup long enough to get a new place, but helped to facilitate him getting four months of a place to live for free (ie vouching that he would be fine there on his own, without her). And his response has been to very openly start dating other people, to the point of showing pictures of the women to Jill and telling her how young they are. I understand they are sharing a space, but if married spouses can manage to have affairs, then surely Jack can discretely date while still living with Jill? This is a purposeful action on Jack's part. And even then, Jill continued to express disappointment with his choices, but gave him a place to stay. > >It wasn't until Jack started to post pictures of his new girlfriend publicly that Jill requested Jack leave. And even then, gave him a week to find temporary housing. I wouldn't want to live with a man who was dating another woman either. And Jill has still said things to the effect that she doesn't want to make her friends choose, but that she doesn't see a friendship continuing with Jack. I'm not sure what part of that makes Jill sound salty to you. She's one of the most grounded people I know and is taking the high road at every possible opportunity. > >And I've mentioned elsewhere, as someone who has also taken the high road, that doesn't mean you actually want your friends to continue a friendship with someone who is actively treating you badly. It just means you're not going to ask them to stop- but you are hoping they are smart enough to see someone openly treating you badly and not condone that behavior. No, Jill has not told us to cut off Jack. That doesn't mean that it wouldn't be more comfortable for her for us to do so- and it's a show of support for her. I don't necessarily want to cut off Jack, but while he's going through this nasty spell, I don't want to facilitate this behavior. He's acting in ways I didn't think him capable of. > >To give a timeline to this, we asked Jack and Jill to housesit at the end of September. They broke up in the beginning of October. Jill told us on the 11th that they had broken up, but said Jack could still house-sit. She told me on the 14th that he was doing the online dating thing. She then told me about asking him to leave on the 30th. And he's supposed to move into our place on the 24th of November. All of this has happened in less than a month and now we're scrambling to make a decision before we leave town. Can Jack really not wait to openly move on long enough to get to our house? It's his choice to move on, but this doesn't speak to a 41-year-old father making adult choices for his friends and children. It's college-age behavior and our house is not a bachelor pad. He'll be sleeping in our bed, for pete's sake. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17pk2ra/update_aitah_for_rescinding_letting_my_friend/) - **November 6, 2023** First, I called Jill to have a talk with her. I told her I respected her taking the high road, but if she needed my support, we were in her corner. She updated me that Jack says he met this new woman two days after Jack and Jill split up. I'm not sure I believe that. He started taking her out several times a week, then describing the dates to Jill. He would show Jill pictures of her, telling Jill that he was impressed he got a woman under 30. He told her he didn't mean for it to happen so quickly, but that he's madly in love with her and that she is "the one." That was the point Jill told him to move out. She said she didn't think Jack would respect a "no strangers rule," if we had him stay in our house, but that she wouldn't see us having him house-sit as us taking sides. It was a good talk. Next, I had a long, thorough talk with my husband about both our future relationship with Jack and our needs in a housesitter. He said that Jack reminded of my husband when he was in his 20's and that he "would never let a 20-year-old me live at my house." He said he felt more comfortable just setting up blink cameras, which was the opposite goal of having a house-sitter. So my husband wrote a long, polite text to Jack, saying he wished Jack and his new relationship the best, but we don't feel comfortable with a stranger at our house. And that we felt like stepping back was the best idea during this break-up. Jack responded, "I understand. Thanks for the heads-up." So in the end, a lot of time and energy put into a tough decision with the most blasé response ever. Which is probably the best result possible! Thanks all of you for the advice! &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

AITAH for rescinding letting my friend live at our house?

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Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17u3cva/aitah_for_rescinding_letting_my_friend_live_at/

17u3dv9

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Canonconstructor **My teenager wants to hang out with me!!!** **Originally posted to** r/AskSF **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskSF/s/pTOZu8NitJ) **Jan 16, 2022** Hello Reddit Fam- As some of you may understand it’s sort of exciting when your teen asks you to hang out with them.  Mine just did 20 minutes ago and wanted to go to the city tomorrow :) I’m trying to last minute scramble and plan.   I was thinking Chinatown for a good afternoon of exploring then coming back in a month for a full weekend away. My kiddo and I are fully vaccinated and live in Santa Cruz.  He is into records, vintage stores, art, culture, music of all kinds-  and pretty much the coolest kid in the entire world tbh.  He is totally down with a day exploring the neighborhood tomorrow since he has never been.  Can I get all of your local recommendations for Chinatown, but then also for later when we actually have a 3 day weekend planned out? It sounds very silly, but I moved here after college and went to work and I’ve embarrassingly have only been to sf 3 times since (I’ve obviously been more but only for work not for fun).  So I’m really unsure of where to go, what to do, where to eat, what hoods to visit that are perfectly walkable.  I appreciate your recommendations so so much and I’m so excited to have tomorrow with my teen!!!! **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **breakfasttacosplease** >Sounds like he’d like haight street - amoeba records is a classic, tons of vintage stores. You could then walk through golden gate part to explore a bit and end up around 9th ave in the sunset, lots of good food over there and more cute local boutiques and whatnot! That’d be a great way to spend an afternoon/evening * **bluebeaster** >It was said earlier, but I think Haight St is a good call. Park around Masonic and Haight - and just walk down towards Golden Gate Park (west). >Make sure you take him to Free Gold Watch on Waller St. It's right near the end of Haight St and Golden Gate Park. It's a vintage Video Arcade Room. Hit that, Amoeba Records, the Taxidemy shop, and some cool shoe stores on Haight and he'll be happy. >There's also a place called the Ice Cream Bar in Cole Valley, which is right next to Haight. They make original raw milkshakes off all flavors. They are freaking amazing. * **underweather813** >Good Mongkok for dim sum to-go, but I’m not sure what time they close. Visit the fortune cookie factory and the Chinatown entrance/dragon’s gate! There are some pretty murals on Commercial and Grant, Sacramento and Grant, etc. >Waverly place between Washington and Clay is pretty at night, as they have string lights >There was supposed to be a Flower Market Street Fair for Lunar New Year at the end of this month, but I heard it was cancelled because of the omicron outbreak. If the Chinese New Year parade isn’t cancelled, that’s coming up Feb 19 >Grant street is where the tourists go, Stockton street is where the locals grocery shop. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskSF/s/oFelKMJsws)  **Jan 17, 2022** Hello Amazing Reddit Family- I wanted to update everyone to my original post asking for advice on where to take my kiddo during our spur of the moment mom and kiddo trip. We had an absolutely fabulous time! We parked by the civic center and my kiddo decided he wanted to spend a few hours looking at architecture and walking around just to experience the city (who is this kid and where did he come from - he is so mature! hahaha) after a few hours, he decided he wanted to check out Haight we took an Uber over. [We spent the afternoon shopping, eating, and bonding.](https://imgur.io/a/dPXogyO) It was a 10/10 day. He got a jacket he was describing for a month (couldn’t find it on line, found it vintage at retro city ) got a bunch of records and cds at Amobea, and I splurged on some hard to find Nike Dunks he has been eyeing on line since last may. We had amazing food, got insanely good desert, got snacks at random places. We ended the day with a walk to golden gate took some selfies, and called it a day. We walked over 10 miles today and it was literally my PERFECT day. We are planning a 3 day weekend so we can really experience the city. Because I have to work tomorrow, we both knew we’d have to make this trip a bit quicker. I’m keeping that last post live because there was SO MANY THINGS we wanted to do, but didn’t have time for. Hanging out with my kid is literally my favorite thing to to do- and from the absolute bottom of my heart- thank you for your local expertise so he had a great time. I’m hitting up the rest of that list next time and will slowly chisel away at it. He has a 3 day weekend in Mid February so it will be sooner than later. You are the most amazing community on the internet. Thank you for helping me make today perfect:) And please call your mom, and if possible, take her out to brunch and/or give her a hug. She will love it. If you don’t have a momma, hit me up - I’d like to give you a hug and take you to brunch (you decide the place hahaha) Thank you so so much from me and my kiddo ❤️ today was absolutely excellent. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My teenager wants to hang out with me!!!

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Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17u3dv9/my_teenager_wants_to_hang_out_with_me/

17u3ey5

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/cinmarcat **Student was in a Car Accident** **Originally posted to** r/Teachers **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Young child in accident!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/s/NM4nW8lyjJ)  **Oct 22, 2023** I apologize if the title is upsetting for some. I usually do not check my work email or Class Dojo on the weekend, but I decided to a few hours ago and I’m glad I did.  I got a Class Dojo message from one my student’s parents telling me the student may not be in school tomorrow.  Yesterday, the family was involved in a car accident where the car rolled 6 times.  Luckily, since this is a sturdy car and everyone was wearing their seatbelt, everyone is alive and the children only sustained some scratches.  However, it was a very traumatizing experience as I can imagine. I told the parent that the important thing is that everyone is okay and if the student misses school tomorrow she can do the assignments later on.  I also told her if the student wishes to talk to me about what happened (I teach kindergarten and kindergartners like to talk about EVERYTHING) she can.  Regardless if the student is at school tomorrow or not, I will be notifying the counselor in case the student does need extra support. Anyways, now here is the point of my post.  This student is the sweetest little thing.  She cares for her peers and even brought me roses for my birthday a few weeks ago.  I am considering getting her a little “gift” such as a little stuffed animal and giving it to her (not in front of the other students, so maybe right before recess) as a way to show her I care about her and I hope she’s doing okay.  I’m not sure if this is overstepping bounds but I wanted some other input as well.  I will also talk to my team and mentor teacher to get their input. Thanks in advance! [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/s/amgQVOKcOF)  **Nov 6, 2023** Here is my original post for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/17dz2pt/student_was_in_a_car_accident/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1 The whole week after the accident, my student did not go to school.  I was not surprised at all.  Her grandmother (who was also involved in the accident) was in the hospital but will be okay. My student came back to school last Monday (October 30th).  The first thing she did when she entered my classroom was stick out her hand (she had a seashell) and said “this is for you.”  When I told my mom about this she wanted to tear up.  This poor girl was in a car accident and she was concerned with giving me a seashell. Today, I gave her a gift (a little stuffed cat) and her mother sent me a message thanking me and then sent me a picture of her daughter with the stuffed cat saying she loved it.  Of course, she is still shaken by the accident.  But overall, she seems to be doing very well.  I am happy she’s back and okay! **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Student was in a Car Accident

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Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17u3ey5/student_was_in_a_car_accident/

17u3fhc

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Helpful-Minimum8496 **I found tickets for a cruise that my bf got me. This gift has cemented for me that this relationship is over.** **PREVIOUS** [BoRU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/L2ukq7ruqe) **Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!controlling behavior, emotional abuse/manipulation!< **MOOD SPOILER:** >!OOP is not nearly afraid enough!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/Cp6VAOPihX) **Oct 16, 2023** I need to let this out without getting pushback from family and friends who think his gift is romantic so im using a throwaway. My birthday is coming up in a few months and 3 days ago, i found out what my birthday present was which are tickets to a cruise. His sister spilled the news thinking I would be excited and im not. We live together and I found the gift and know it's for me. I sound so ungrateful but I'm not. This gift just proves to me that things will never change. The first thing is this gift isn't for me. I do not like cruises because I get really bad sea sickness and nothing I do helps. I also told him what I wanted to do for my birthday which was go to a Renfaire festival on my birthday. I have already taken the week off from work for it in preparation to go this fair. I have purchased tickets and am saving month to month so that I have spending money without it affecting finances at home. Why would he book tickets the same time as the time I took off to go to this festival. Also this cruise wasn't cheap at all so it's bascially wasted money because im not going. I'm so annoyed. I have told him time and time again that I dont feel like he listens to me, that I feel like he just gets me things by thinking about what's best for him or what he would like. It's not only gifts. He makes decisions based on what he thinks is best and i just cant deal with it anymore. I love him but I'm so done and before anyone says I didn't talk to him or to talk to him about this, I have repeatedly. This has been a recurring conversation in our 2.5 year relationship. The next thing to do is talk this out and end things. Edit: I appreciate the comments and concern about cheating but I know the gift is for me because it was in really nice packaging that said "Happy Birthday (my name)" and the bag had like cruise ship related items and possible excursions. The effort he went to, it made me sad because that means he could have put in a little effort about the things i like. If he had even just gotten me a ticket for the Renfaire festival or accessories from online or even a piece of an outfit that had to do with Renfaire, it would have made my entire month. It would have meant that he listened and got me something that interested me. I'm talking to him tonight, and I'm not even annoyed anymore. I feel nothing about this. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/pxt5G05RRu)  **Oct 19, 2023** The day I wrote my post is the day I ended things with my ex. When he came home, I bascially said I found the tickets for the cruise and I asked him who they were for. He said they were for me for my birthday and i ruined the suprise. I asked him why did he get me tickets for a cruise when he knew that I get sea sick and also when he knew that I have been preparing for a Renfaire Festival for a couple of months. He said that he always liked cruises when he went on them and he thought that I could push through it with patches or some other remedy because it was a really expensive cruise. He continued talking but tbh, I spaced out because I realized just how much this man didn't care about me. He brought cruise tickets completely disregarding what I had planned, how I would feel, and what i wanted to do all because he liked them. Like fuck my birthday, fuck what I want, fuck how sick i get. He likes cruises so we should do that. I think he realized I wasn't speaking or excited because he asked me what was wrong and I broke up with him. He was shocked and angry and he asked why. This isn't the exact wording but I said something like, "It's because I have realized how much you really don't care about me and that you're always willing to put your wants over mine everytime it suits you, even on my birthday." He started to argue and wanted to talk about it but I was just numb and went to bed on the couch. After 2 hours of trying to speak to me, he left me alone. I woke up the next day and got ready for work. I oddly felt fine and he wanted to talk but I just said I'm done and if he wanted to talk about the apartment or what we would do about the lease or anything regarding the end of the relationship, I'm ok with that. I told him I'm not changing my mind about this and for me, this relationship is done and I just want to split amicably. While I was at work that day, I had free time and I wrote down every instance I could remember just in the last 6 months of him choosing his wants/needs over mine. It was nearly three pages front to back and I didnt even realize how much I let go off because he didn't want to do it. When I went home and he tried to talk again, I gave him the list and I explained what it was. He left me alone the rest of the second night. He's still not accepting the breakup. He wants to do couples therapy now or even go on a break because he realizes how much he has done but NOPE, I'm not doing it. I'm not trying to be mean or harsh to him but I don't want to give him false hope. I also feel weirdly ok but also numb at the same time. What I have to deal with now is breaking the lease which he isn't willing to do because he thinks we can move past this. So im going to talk to the leasing office and see my options. At least I have my birthday to look forward to as I deal with a relationship ending and having to find a new place to live. ##**NEW UPDATE** * [Update 2 - I'm still living with my ex who got me a cruise for my bday](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/UyidlQ8rup)  **Nov 6, 2023** So I don't even know what to say about the past 2 weeks since I last posted. I had hoped to do a real quick update saying I was good, out of the lease, found a place but I can't say that. First, the leasing office offered me a way out of the place and it's really expensive. We have 4 months left and there is no way I could afford to break this lease, find a new place, move, put down a deposit and everything else that comes along with moving. If my ex and i break the lease together it is significantly cheaper but he has refused so I have no choice but to live with him. I have a few places in mind and im eligible so I will just deal with this for now. I moved all of my things to a storage unit and put all my important documents into a safe location elsewhere. I have to get furniture for my new place since it was his place I moved into but other than that, I already have everything else you would need. When it comes to my ex, I don't even know how to describe what is happening. It honestly feels like these last 17 days have been happening to someone else. He wont let me out of the lease because he thinks we can fix this. First, he tried to gaslight me because he said the things on the list didn't happen. Asshole, where do you think I got an accurate recollection of what you did and the dates- text messages. When I told him that the texts showed him either confirming what I said, doing the opposite and then apologizing, his face dropped. You can lie all you want but i literally have evidence to back up my memory. Then this brilliant idiot decided you know what, I'm going to look at the list and pick things I did wrong and do them right. So he started picking things he had done wrong and then doing it right without any input from me. You know, it's the biggest mindfuck to realize that he could have done this right from the start. None of these were mistakes. He knew exactly what he was doing and didn't care about what I wanted or needed if he thought his idea was better. I had people message me asking what was on the list and you know what, when i find the time, i will rewrite the whole list with screenshots. I will give a few examples now. One was when I asked him to pick up an orchid for me since I would be working late all week. Orchids were my grandmother's favorite flower and she died a couple of years ago. Sometimes I really miss her so I get some of her favorite flowers and having them around really helps my mood. He decided to pick up roses and I remember seeing the roses and saying why did you get me roses when I asked for an orchid and him saying that he thought these were better and prettier. Another example was when he took my car to a different mechanic because he thought the one I had used for 5 years was trying to scam me when he literally was going to patch up two tires that happened to get a nail. Did he even meet my mechanic? No he didnt. He just decided to take my car somewhere else. I took my car to my mechanic who charged me 20 dollars to fix my two tires and he's literally my friend. The last was when i was invited to a party that had an ex friend invited who had tried to SA another friend of mine. I told my bf you can go but I'm not going out of solidarity with my friend if that guy is going to be there. He promised that he had heard from the planner that the guy had said no to coming. He lied and my friend and I were shocked to see the guy there. I almost lost my friendship with my friend because my ex thought that we shouldn't miss out on a party because he could prevent the guy from approaching us. My ex would do things like this all the time and each time I would be livid because he promised to do something for me and then would veto my decision to go for what he felt was best before discussing it with me. I take full responsibility for enabling this behavior but I honestly thought at the time that I was compromising and he fully took advantage of that. At the time i thought wow, yea he's not doing what I wanted but he still doing these things and it's misguided but he's trying. I did go to my close friends and sister to vent and I would hear, "oh but at least he still got you flowers", "I can't remember the last time I got roses", "He was looking out for you. Some mechanics are leeches", "he was trying to be a protector when he lied about the party". I realize now that these responses made me feel bad and help me accept the behavior because when I vented to my friends and sister, I got feedback that made it seem like i was ungrateful and that he was a bf who made mistakes but at least he tried. I also didn't realize the sheer amount of bullshit I put up with. Writing it down and seeing the list get longer and longer when you have barely scratched the surface- you're like how did I get here? How did I let so many things slide? Where the fuck did my backbone go? I will say the backbone is back and im not tolerating any of this. Anytime my ex tries to talk to me about things not regarding the lease, i tell him to push through it. Your feelings are hurt- push through it, you still love me- push through it, you're in pain- push through it, you did something nice for me but I'm ignoring it- push through it, you paid for couples counseling and i didnt show up- PUSH THROUGH IT. I don't give a shit. He keeps asking why I'm fine and honestly i think a part of me checked out a long time ago, grieved this relationship and that part was waiting for the rest of me to catch up and I have. As for my friends and family, I have told them the relationship is done and that's my decision and that it's none of their business. When a few of them tried to make me feel bad about the cruise and how they wish someone would do that for them, I told them that their husbands/boyfriends not even doing the bare minimum for them doesn't mean that I should accept my ex's shitty behavior. I told them that maybe they should concentrate on why their SO do nothing for them instead of trying to get me to accept things I don't want or need just because my ex happened to "try". Not going to lie, that response took me a couple of hours to articulate and some of them aren't talking to me now but oh well. So that's my life currently. I'm living in the guest room and my ex is still trying. Hes very annoyed and hurt but thats not my problem. He is bascially holding me hostage so i dont care about his feelings. I have made it clear we are roommates. I don't cook, clean, or do anything for him. Honestly I barely speak to him and I ignore his calls and texts when not at home. If he won't let me out of the lease, i will treat him like a stranger. I will not harm him or destroy any of his things but I'm going to actively ignore his entire existence for the next four months. Either he deals with this or he lets me out of the lease. Other than that, I'm doing really good and working on myself and maintaining boundaries and not letting people take advantage anymore. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I found tickets for a cruise that my bf got me. This gift has cemented for me that this relationship is over. (New Update)

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17u3fhc/i_found_tickets_for_a_cruise_that_my_bf_got_me/

17ubuz2

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Needadvicedesperate **in** r/relationship_advice trigger warnings: >!cheating, suicide!< mood spoilers: >!devastating!<  This is a repost. Original BoRU is [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qpn51k/me_52m_just_found_out_at_least_4_of_my_5_children/) [**original**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/b7lmii/me_52m_just_found_out_at_least_4_of_my_5_children/) \- 31 Mar 2019 Note: Please do not use ancestry kits as a paternity test. If you genuinely want to check your child is your own - get a proper paternity test at your local MedLab (medical lab). Ancestry tests are not accurate, and should not be used to test paternity. In my case, it simply raised the alarm to get a proper test. I apologize if this is not an appropriate sub to ask. I posted this on r/relationships but it was locked, and the mod suggested I ask on r/parenting. But I also want relationship advice on how to deal with my wife, so I want to ask for advice here, too. First of all, I'm sorry if this ends up being long and rambly, I am not really in the best state of mind. My world has been turned upside down over the last couple of weeks. I just want to write as much context as possible so I can get the best advice needed. For obvious reasons, I am not yet comfortable talking about this with my friends/parents/siblings. Background: I met my wife when we were in highschool and we married in college. We have 5 beautiful children together - really, I consider them a total blessing regardless of what I'm about to bring up - and up until a couple of weeks ago I thought that we had the perfect marriage. We were typical highschool sweet hearts, we go out together, we never fight, I feel like I've done everything a loving husband should do. I am saying this not to make myself out as the perfect husband, for example my work has always meant I work long hours and maybe haven't always been there when she needed me, but I want to stress that I've never felt our marriage was in any trouble. And never in a million years would I ever have suspected my wife of being disloyal - she's always done everything she could to support me and take care of our children. Now, my eldest daughter recently had an ancestry test done. And the results of the ancestry test strongly suggested I was not her father. She confided this to me privately, showing me the results and I could tell she was visibly upset by this. Of course, the first thing I did was reassure her that no matter what, she's my daughter and I'll always love her unconditionally. But secondly, the two of us decided to get an official paternity test since the ancestry tests are not completely reliable. It comes back and I am indeed not her biological father. This news really broke me. I'm ashamed to say I broke down in tears in front of my daughter. The combination of finding out about my wife's infidelity and how upset I was making my daughter by how I was reacting. I really wish I had kept it in for her sake, but I didn't. Following this I asked my other children, except my youngest, to come and see me. I wanted to know the extent of my wife's infidelity - if it was a one off, I could maybe work past it, especially given how long ago it would be. However I didn't want to tell my youngest as she is still in school, a teenager, and really I didn't think it was appropriate to tell her yet. We tell the other three what has happened, I reassure them that I love them unconditionally and that I'll always be there dad, but that I need to know how long this has been going on. God, I can't begin to explain how touching their reaction was. They didn't care I wasn't their biological father, they were just upset at how heart broken I was. I feel like the only thing that has kept me going these last couple of weeks is their unwavering support. So we have paternity tests for each of the three done. Not only are none of them my biological children, together four of my children have three different fathers. Which somehow made it worse. It's like, she wasn't just having an ongoing affair, she was having multiple? I can't explain how this make it worse, but it just does.So I confront my wife with this, expecting her to confess and beg for forgiveness. She doesn't confess. She doesn't even take it seriously. She says the tests must be flawed. All four? How the hell am I supposed to take that seriously?I keep bringing it up and she keeps brushing it off, getting progressively more annoyed at me. When I bring it up she will try and guilt trip me. "We've been together since highschool, do you seriously not trust me?" etc. But how am I supposed to trust her in the face of such overwhelming evidence?Now that I have rambled and explained what has happened. I guess let me ask a few direct questions for adviceHow can I reassure my children this doesn't change anything between us? I feel like the way I have reacted, total break downs, has made them second guess this despite however many times I reassure them.How do I handle my youngest daughter? I feel like our marriage is beyond saving, and I will need to tell my daughter something. I don't want her to know the truth until she's older, but I also don't want my wife lying and making me out to be the villain.Is there anyway, anyway at all, you think I could or should save my marriage? I've been with my wife my entire life it's almost impossible to see a life without her. I know that the answer should be a clear cut "leave her", but we have 5 kids together. If there's anything that can be done to save our marriage, I want to consider it seriously. tl;dr: Found out at least 4 of my 5 kids are not mine. Wife refuses to confess her infidelity. Unsure of how to do what's best for my children and marriage. Edit: Thanks so much to everyone for all the support and advice. I have not replied to as many comments as I should have, but I've read each and every one and taken your advice to heart. I'll continue reading any comments or messages you send me. Again, I can't begin to thank you for all your support. If this is resolved I might post an update, but if she continues to lie then I don't think I'll bother, as there's not much more I can add. From the advice in this and the r/parenting thread I've decided to: 1. Get second tests just in case some freak accident has occurred. 2. Confront my wife with all four of my older children present. 3. Tell my youngest of the situation. Ask her if she wants to have a paternity test. It will be entirely her decision 4. .I'm 100% going to get some form of therapy. My mental state has really been deteriorating over the last couple of weeks, and I owe it to my kids to hold it to together. 5. Depending on whether my wife tells the truth, and what her explanation is (if any), I have not ruled out some form of counselling. But at the moment I think divorce is inevitable unless she changes her attitude drastically. 6. Contact a lawyer and prepare for divorce, if it comes to thatOnce again I'd like to thank all of you for the time you took to express your support and share advice. Edit2: I guess I should clarify some things that people have been asking **How did the ancestry results suggests I wasn't her father?** My family is entirely Irish. No relatives outside of Ireland other than my immediate family, and I even have the stereotypical red hair. My daughter's ancestry results showed nothing from the British isles/western Europe/northern Europe. That's what set off alarm bells, but it's by no means conclusive, hence the paternity tests. **Which two children share the same father?** My two eldest daughters share the same father. **How did your wife conceive your children?** Our eldest daughter was not planned. All the others were planned. Each time we conceived several months after we started trying. Our first three planned children were both our ideas, while she pressured me into having our youngest. She was in her late thirties and wanted one last child before it was too late, and eventually I agreed. She was conceived several months after we started trying, too. **Are you infertile?** I don't know. I've never had a fertility test done. But the fact that none of our planned children are mine makes me think that I might be. I will have a fertility test as soon as possible. **OOP also posted the same post in** r/parenting **and** r/relationships\*\*, but both instances were removed\*\* **overall, commenters in all 3 subreddits were encouraging OOP to tell his youngest, consult a lawyer before confronting his wife, and trying another paternity test in case the first one was wrong. All of the important questions and suggestions are addressed in the edits to the original post** [**first update**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Needadvicedesperate/comments/b8f6w7/about_future_update/) \- 02 Apr 2019 - posted in OOP’s profile I have received a lot of messages/comments asking about an update, and countless !remindme comments (I am unsure how they work, but I assume they are also after an update).I will post an update - but it will not be anytime soon. This entire mess will take a long time to, well, make any sense out of. I don't know when I will post an update, but it will be weeks from now at a minimum, if not months. But I promise it will come eventually.Once again, thanks for the tremendous support everyone has shown me. &#x200B; [**2nd and final update**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Needadvicedesperate/comments/fbofgb/final_update/) \- 01 Mar 2020 - also posted on OOP’s profile I have been debating whether or not to post an update, because nothing was ever resolved. I decided I would post it here in case anyone is still waiting for one. I apologize for not updating early when I promised I would.My kids and I confronted their mother shortly after making that reddit post. It really didn't go well. I think the prospect that no one believed her finally hit home, because she completely broke down and apologized profusely, but refused to explain herself, or anything that would give myself peace of mind. For the next few weeks we barely said a word to each other; I was hoping she was thinking it over, and I expected her to eventually sit me down and explain herself. I figured she was so far deep in a lie that got out of control, she needed time to think things over.Nope. I came home one evening to find she had committed suicide by overdosing. So I lost the love of my life, and I'll never know what mistakes she had made. I really wish I could go back in time and forget about it all. Whatever mistakes she made, I honestly wanted to work through it, and now I'm just riddled with guilt that I pressed her for an answer.The worst part of this entire ordeal was watching my kids work so hard to keep me together, after having lost their mother.Anyway, please tell your family you love them while you have the chance.   **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

REPOST

Gullible-Engineer-65

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ubuz2/me_52m_just_found_out_at_least_4_of_my_5_children/

17uleow

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/dog__poop1 **in** r/fantasyfootballadvice Trigger warnings: >!Gambling (possible addiction)!< Context/Terms: * This is about a 12-person fantasy football league, entry fee per person is $600. The winner of the league will win most/all of the pot. * "Commish" = commissioner, essentially the admin of the league, also a participant in the league * "Collusion" = two teams collude to make a lopsided trade that benefits one of the parties, possibly with some agreement that they will split the winnings. Obviously this is not allowed in fantasy football. * I've added some notes in brackets to make it easier to read. [**Possible collusion. Thoughts?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/fantasyfootballadvice/comments/17l17ex/possible_collusion_thoughts/) \- 10/31/2023 I’m in a pretty big $ league, 600$. It’s been going on 6 years now but this year, commish added the first guy in league history, that doesn’t know everyone else. He only knows the commish. Or so we thought. So as the season goes on, commish and the new guy, up til now, have made 23 trades between the two. None of them are egregious but recently due to today's event, we started taking a deep dive into the trades. They look like trades you would make to not appear like collusion, but every single trade, we all thought to ourselves; I would rather receive the players the commish is receiving. And toooons of the trades are like the commish giving away a player that is doing bad, then as soon as they start doing good, some trades happen and the player ends up back on commish's team. An example is AJB \[A.J. Brown — a top 5 player\]. Commish “traded” AJB to the “new guy” week 2 and today, he got AJB back for Raheem Mostert \[generally not considered as good as A.J. Brown, but was doing really well\]… who conveniently will regress hard due to Achane coming back very soon. It’s always trades like this. Like it’s not egregious but clearly benefits commish. So this trade finally stirred up an uproar in the group chat and we wanted to talk to the new guy. He talks now and then in our WhatsApp group chat but we searched him up on Facebook and can’t find him, or instagram. Commish tells us he’s not on social media. We then pressure him into showing us screenshots of his negotiations with the guy. He declined hard and says that’s a breech of their privacy. I then make a pretty serious accusation. I ask him if the “new guy” is even a real person or is it just him again, playing two teams and colluding. He gets really mad and just says “this is fkin ridiculous, I’m not going to entertain this” and hasn’t said anything since then 6 hours ago while the entire league has been talking in it for like 500 messages. I have suspicions he’s crafting fake negotiations during this time and going to magically want to show us screenshots tomorrow. Thoughts? Oh, obviously the new guy hasn’t made a single trade with anyone else and just ignores all trade requests and messages. And this is \[another\] small detail I remembered today: during draft night, everyone was in a zoom call, all 11 of us but \[new guy\] “couldn’t join cause he was with family”. I’m worried that because he cowardly just refused to engage today, he can easily get a friend or cousin to pretend to be the guy and coach him on what to say. And he can craft fake negotiations, but this is where I think we can catch him. The dates have to be on point and the times, lining up to each trade. Commish is 7-1 New guy is 2-6   **Update 1** I’ve never done this before so idk how to add an update: I told commish that the number of the new guy we got, came up as a robo scam number when I googled it. He brushed it off, didn’t even reply to this at all and said that he will go to this “guy's” house today and zoom us today after work. Like, we’re gonna grill the fk out of them, but what worries me is the 6 hours he had yesterday just not responding at all. He could’ve coached someone or done anything during this time. And WhatsApp let’s you know if you swipe right on a message, whose seen it. During those 6 hours of inactivity, he would every 20 min or so, be reading our messages (while we were gathering evidence and noticing new inconsistencies) Aaaaaand he’s not responding again As of this post, the commish's team is Josh Allen, Breece Hall, Alvin Kamara, Saquon, AJB, Kirk, Laporta \[that's a very good team\]. Take wild guess on what week he acquired Kamara \[implication is that the commish acquired this very good player after he came back from a suspension to start his season\] “New guy” team Lamar Jackson, Raheem Mostert, D Henderson, Gibbs, Ridley, Tutu, D Adams, Everett   **Update 2** I have some pics but dunno how to upload here. Does this one work? [https://ibb.co/dpstdK2](https://ibb.co/dpstdK2) \[Note: all images are screenshots of text conversations. I'll transcribe them in quotes.\] >Chat between presumably commish and OOP: > >Commish: I'll admit, my friend doesn't really know football at all and I'm tricking him into positive trades for me. But I would never scum \[sic\] u guys like this > >OOP: Then can we just talk to your friend? FaceTime? Zoom? > >Commish: He's bothered by all this drama and doesn't want to be involved PS. I know for 100% fact, commish is reading this thread so you can say hi. He is HUGE into this sub and the main one. This morning he actually subconsciously (I think), referenced a comment I saw on here, in conversation. During the 10 min he actually engaged with us   **Update 3** after HOURS of not saying anything and just lurking, reading our messages and very likely reading this thread; he sends one message “btw, there are no negotiation messages because he’s been my temporary gym buddy, we often just make trades while we’re lifting” Some trades were at 2-3 AM… he's still hopefully going to this “gym buddies” house today and zooming us   **Update 4** Okay a development: he just messaged the group chat “I made a mistake. It’s not what you guys think. Give me some time to find the words to explain” I knew the whole I’ll go to his house and zoom thing was a stall tactic. This is fked up. I’m really pissed now   **Update 5** [https://ibb.co/yPm4r47](https://ibb.co/yPm4r47) >Message from commish, ostensibly to OOP: > >\[cut off\] …man so I was looking out for our league. > >This guy agreed to join but the night before draft day, he bailed. I didn't want to not have a league this year and didn't want us to play with an awkward 11 people. So my plan was to keep this league alive and play two teams as fairly as I possibly could. > >All the trades I made makes sense. It's not my fault some players went off after I got them, I'm obviously not psychic. So I tried to make it as convincing as possible that there was a 12th player. I didn't want to trade with any other team on the 2nd account because I thought that would be unfair to the other 9 guys. > >I'm really really sorry. This was wrong and I know that. But I really hope you know my intentions were good. I will pay you guys back the money and agree to whatever resolution you guys deem fair. But please just give me 2-3 months to pay everyone back, my sister was going to get evicted if she couldn't pay rent last month, so I lent her money and she will pay me back soon. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. [https://ibb.co/p0nnDmH](https://ibb.co/p0nnDmH) >Message from commish, ostensibly to all league members: > >Okay guys. I've ran this league for 5 years with no issues. I've really enjoyed my time with you guys and i think u guys did as well. I hope you know I'm not that kind of person, to scum u guys and risk our friendship just for a couple thousand dollars. We lose 2 grand half the time at the casino on a random weekend. > >This is the full truth: I had a blackjack friend, who I wanted to recruit because he was going to spice things up in our league and make crazy moves. He's rich and doesn't care. We needed one more for our ideal 12 man so I was looking out for our league. > >This guy agreed to join but the night before draft day, he bailed. I didn't want to not have a league this year and didn't want us to play with an awkward 11 people. So my plan was to keep this league alive and play two teams as fairly as I possibly could. > >All the trades I made makes sense. It's not my fault some players went off after I got them, I'm obviously not psychic. So I tried to make it as… \[cut off\] I don’t know what to even fkin say…   **Update 6** (I think there are multiple updates included in this one) [https://ibb.co/8sgZBVv](https://ibb.co/8sgZBVv) >Chat between OOP and commish: > >OOP: I have many thoughts but first off, can you at least agree to a payment plan going forward? Like 600 today, then every week 600? > >Commish: Fuck man, I literally lent her all of my liquid money. I can liquidate some stocks but it'll take some time [https://ibb.co/4F4nvKM](https://ibb.co/4F4nvKM) >Continuation of above chat: > >OOP: Why the fuck would your sister need $6000 for rent? > >Commish: She lived in NYC, u know the rent there is crazy. And she was behind. > >OOP: So are you liquidating ur stocks rn? > >Commish: Yes but I have an advisor that is in charge of my portfolio. He says it will take a couple weeks on short notice [https://ibb.co/HpVXTdD](https://ibb.co/HpVXTdD) >Continued: > >OOP: Can I see your Zelle/Venmo/cash app to your sister? > >Commish: I know it seems like a lot of convenient excuses, but I gave the cash to our mom and she brought it to her I’m not as brazen but this is my other league mates convo. Crossed out our location. He sent us that long explanation individually to come off as more personal. [https://ibb.co/ns1QrRR](https://ibb.co/ns1QrRR) >Chat between a league mate ("LM") and commish: > >LM: So u know ur a fkin worthless piece of shit right? > >LM: Where the fk is our fkin money > >LM: Don't ever come back to the \[redacted\] again, you'll fkin regret it > >Commish: Bro, common. I was trying to make this league more fun then ran into some family issues. U know me [https://ibb.co/n8kWvbb](https://ibb.co/n8kWvbb) >Chat between OOP (maybe) and Commish: > >OOP: I know ur fucking reading the Reddit thread. Are u going to address why it takes you weeks to liquidate stocks that usually takes days? If that > >Commish: You really think Reddit users know anything about stocks? You know how crazy I was at trading. It's just a bit complicated on short notice in my situation I think I’ll end the updates there unless there’s a big one. But one more thing, the money sucks ofc but what’s also shitty, is us not having fantasy to enjoy for rest of season (at least the league we cared most about). Are there any suggestions to how to continue without the two teams? Here are the issues with some of the popular suggestions: Icing their teams and having their players untouchable: some teams have already lost to the “super team” and some have beat the “easy” team so records are not fair Redrafting from here and starting midway: the better teams/records lose out on their good season and the bad teams get a free restart   **Update 7** First time since this went down that he initiated a conversation with me; I thought he was going to apologize or talk about repayment… [https://ibb.co/GdTngJQ](https://ibb.co/GdTngJQ) >Message from Commish to OOP: > >I do want to say tho, if you tell ANYONE that I'm a scumbag or bad mouth me to anyone; I'm going to just play the role and keep the money. Please be respectful   **Update 8** More random sht cuz it makes me feel better outting him here: [https://ibb.co/rMjFqWG](https://ibb.co/rMjFqWG) >Chat between OOP and Commish: > >OOP: So uhhh... should I even bother wasting my time asking why ur sister just posted a lg story of her in \[redacted location\]? I know ur gonna say some bs, can u plz please just tell me if ur actually planning on paying us the money back? We are discussing our options btw, and small claims court is coming up a lot > >Commish: Bro idk, her bf prob paid for the trip. I'm ngl, I'm a mess rn. I just moved out of \[redacted\] and I lost my license. When I initiated the withdrawal from my portfolio, it asked for ID. Now i have to go get a new license. I just need some time bro   **Update 9** Interesting twist… I messaged his sister on ig. And she would take a long ass time to respond even tho she was shown as online. I’m 99% sure he got her to lie for him, but she didn’t expect the Venmo question to be important, so she didn’t double check with the commish, so fkin blatantly lying. I thought his sister was better than this. If you’ve been looking at the pics, you’d know why the Venmo q was impt. It was already obvious but this solidifies that he has zero intention of paying us back and has probably already lost it on a night of blackjack or baccarat [https://ibb.co/vZtBKV1](https://ibb.co/vZtBKV1) >Chat between OOP and Commish's sister: > >OOP: Hey. This is really random, this is impt tho. May I ask if your brother sent you some money recently? > >Sister: Yah > >OOP: Did he Venmo u? > >Sister: Yup!   Marking as inconclusive, as it's not clear whether the league members got their money back, nor how they decided to finish the season. **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

OOP Suspects Shenanigans in their Fantasy Football League

INCONCLUSIVE

zeefer

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17uleow/oop_suspects_shenanigans_in_their_fantasy/

17umvmk

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Lusashi (I'd like to thank OOP for giving me permission to post!) in r/FirstTimeHomebuyers** trigger warnings: >!strobing flashing lights in video!< mood spoilers: >!amusing!< --- [**About to make an offer, found THIS under the house.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/FirstTimeHomeBuyer/comments/17izal3/about_to_make_an_offer_found_this_under_the_house/) - 29 October, 2023 *Editor's note and video description (WARNING: FLASHING LIGHTS): OOP posts cellphone video where the person filming puts device through a tarp under dirt, revealing a blinking white light in a large a concrete room with what looks to be a plastic garbage bin.* Me and my spouse were touring this amazing property and were about to leave when we found this “hidden entrance” in the ground covered by branches and a tarp. We looked inside and there is a crawl space that leads about 20’ back into a concrete-walled ROOM with a flickering light and what appears to be a trash can and some bleach?? We asked the seller about it and he said he doesn’t know what it is, and was planning to bulldoze the entrance. Any ideas on what it could be? Torture chamber? Bomb shelter? Root cellar? Just thought I’d share such a weird and creepy find. Sorry for the sideways video. &nbsp; [Further context from OOP, and a promise!](https://www.reddit.com/r/FirstTimeHomeBuyer/comments/17izal3/about_to_make_an_offer_found_this_under_the_house/k6z4c1r/): It was fun to wake up to all these comments! They really cracked me up. Here’s some more info to add context. It is not common to have a storm shelter in this area (PNW). We have fires and earthquakes, in which case that hole is the last place you’d go. If it’s a “prepper” bunker then it appears to be derelict. I agree it’s weird the seller claims to not know what it is. He bought the property in Feb 2022 for 55k over asking, and he DIDN’T care to know what was down there? Hmmmm. He already bought another home, and is not currently living here. (wtf) The crawl space is just about the size of my body. As it is now, there’s no way they could get a trash can in there. Which means either there is another entrance somewhere, or this entrance used to be bigger and has filled in with soil - maybe we could dig it out to the point we could walk inside. The room appears to be underneath an outbuilding. The outbuilding itself is a little weird - a concrete-walled structure without windows or a closet. And the floor is uneven concrete as if it was poured haphazardly!! We figured it was just a storage shed, but after finding the “secret” room, it feels more nefarious. Thanks for pointing out the flashing light could be intentional to deter rodents. And I like the idea of having a drone or RC car take a video. My worry about crawling in there (besides being murdered or traumatized) is carbon monoxide or electrocution if there is faulty wiring. I had planned to go in there, maybe tomorrow, with a Tyvek suit. I’m small and probably the only one who can fit in there. I will share what I find out! Or not, if I’m dead! Overall, OOP isn't spooked. [One commenter writes](https://www.reddit.com/r/FirstTimeHomeBuyer/comments/17izal3/about_to_make_an_offer_found_this_under_the_house/k715pii/?context=3): >I would've bought that house so much faster, dude. Not even mention it to the owner. Go in there with some friends and clear everything and clean it and get some chairs and install a window on the crawlspace entrance and make an actual entrance to it from the house... >It's just a crawlspace. I've seen them at houses before. Typically, it's something like the house is raised above the ground and an opening to the underside opened up over the years or existed for some purpose like plumbing or whatnot. I tend to keep those sorts of things closed if it goes under the house because it'll become a den to wild animals a lot of the time, but you seem lucky here because it seems like it actually goes to something in the house and the light will deter the animals. >>OOP:It has the potential to be cool! As long as there’s nothing… UNCOOL. Since it seems like it’s under this concrete outbuilding, we would drill out a corner of the outbuilding and install a trap door and ladder so we could access it. I also wonder if the crawlspace is not a crawlspace at all, but deep enough to walk through if we could just dig it out. So many questions waiting to be answered. &nbsp; [**Update: About to make an offer, found THIS under the house.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/FirstTimeHomeBuyer/comments/17k5hg2/update_about_to_make_an_offer_found_this_under/?share_id=yghsxRgHU2HuMqMuv64Em) - 30 October, 2023 (2 days after original post) *Editor's note: 5-minute long video where OOP enters the concrete room to find it mostly empty, save for some water containers, an overturned plastic garbage pin, and a bottle of "Olivia's Cloning Gel." There seems to be an opening to another room, but OOP does not enter. OOP is monitored by her realtor, who is just as confused. The light is hanging from the ceiling and continuously flashing. OOP is constantly saying, "Please don't be weird!"* WARNING: STROBING LIGHT. Hi all. My original post got more attention than I thought a poorly-framed 9 second video ever could. I didn’t have a head mount for a camera, so I jury-rigged my phone to a headlamp with tape. That’s why the angle is not good at times, and again I apologize for that. I couldn’t wait for something better to be shipped, as this is still a hot market and I’m trying to move quickly. But I think it’s safe to say we all just HAD TO KNOW, right?? I brought my realtor with me and I went in the hidey-hole and lived to tell the tale. You can come to your own conclusions about what it was being used for, but I think we pretty much figured it out. It still doesn’t explain some of the sellers caginess, though. I’m still considering making an offer, which would be contingent on inspection. In the meantime, thank you for the thousands of upvotes and comments, many of which gave me a good laugh. I think I’ll go watch Barbarian now. &nbsp; Some Top Comments: >Definitely a grow room. BUT… you are one brave ass soul for sure. I strive to have that level Of courage one day. >>Oh! A grow room! Lol I thought it was a torture and murder room. But grow room is more reasonable than my creepy hypothesis *Editor's note: “A growroom (or grow room) or growth chamber is a room of any size where plants are grown under controlled conditions. The reasons for utilizing a growroom are countless. Some seek to avoid the criminal repercussions of growing illicit cultivars, while others simply have no alternative to indoor growing.” (Thanks, ashsandwich_ !)* >This is an above and beyond update. Glad you're OK! And thank you for updating all of us, this is one the best (and most comprehensive) updates I've ever seen!! >>OOP: Thank you so much! I wasn’t thinking super calmly so I’m a little embarrassed by my voice/monologue, but I’m relieved with how it all turned out. Stuff like this makes life fun! Folks still urge OOP to get the property [inspected](https://www.reddit.com/r/FirstTimeHomeBuyer/comments/17k5hg2/update_about_to_make_an_offer_found_this_under/k7az8au/?context=3) >Yes, I am doubtful it will pass inspection unfortunately. Something tells me it was never properly inspected for the last purchase. The fact that its existence was never disclosed bothers me, regardless of its prior use. I’m sure the seller would prefer that potential buyers not notice it, but what else is he failing to disclose? And about that [second entrance](https://www.reddit.com/r/FirstTimeHomeBuyer/comments/17k5hg2/update_about_to_make_an_offer_found_this_under/k75mqgd/?context=3)... >What was the secondary entrance leading to? Have you gone back with a flashlight? What has the current homeowner said? Also does this increase your offer big, or decrease it? Lmao >>OOP:So, I know the video of the secondary entrance was poor, but it opened out to a dirt slope with some wooden beams. No light coming through. It probably doesn’t lead anywhere. However, I still think that crawl space is too narrow to get a trash can through. I would want to investigate further but I was too skittish to stay down there for long, lol. And you guys don’t even wanna know the asking price for this property. If we get it, it’s through a lowball offer. **Reminder - I am not the original poster. This is my first BoRU post, although I've been a longtime lurker, so let me know if anything can be improved! Marking this as Concluded as OOP showed what was in the "room" and hasn't indicated any further updates.**

About to make an offer, found THIS under the house.

CONCLUDED

Shyronaut

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17umvmk/about_to_make_an_offer_found_this_under_the_house/

17urdoz

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Disastrous-Split-518](https://www.reddit.com/user/Disastrous-Split-518/). She posted in r/AITAH. Head's up- this is a fairly long post. **Mood Spoiler:** >!a mess, but OOP will be ok!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17b4xlm/aitah_for_secretly_planning_on_moving_out_despite/)**: October 18, 2023** I (39F) worked really hard at building my relationship with Ryan (43M) . I accommodated him into my schedule, did things to help him feel loved and appreciated and did my best to be a doting gf. I'm ashamed to admit it but after all I've done, I feel that I can't stand him. I don't even hate him, I'm just repulsed. I discovered that he's extremely immature, and not in a fun loving way. Whenever I point this out, he says he's like Peter Pan. This used to cause emotional distress but I've passed that. He's a very controlling person who still thinks being mommy's little boy is some kind of an achievement. He talks about his childhood very vividly and acts like he's still able to get away with anything. Ryan describes his sex encounters with his exes in detail, despite making me feel horrible. I don't feel appreciated. He shushes me whenever I bring up my heritage because " it's only keeping me tied to the past". He criticized my love for my childhood home and got very triggered because I mentioned some dear high school friends who happened to be guys. I've built a good career while he games all the time. I'm fed up. In 3 years, I worked hard to complete my MBA, consolidate my small business and now, I have some major companies as clients. In the meantime, Ryan keeps relying on favors to get a job and he keeps getting fired. I've asked him to control his instinct to get freebies. He's content with getting free stuff instead of actually buying something that he likes. Last summer, he dragged me to a kiosk at the farmer's market because the guy offered him a free sandwich. What's eating me up is that he can't give me a straight answer after I've become suspicious that he lied about his degree. This is very serious, because it means that he lied about his prospects and he allowed me to include him in my life and somehow, he's tried to force me to be responsible for him. I was made to believe he had found a job only to find out that he was attending board games "tournaments" at a local indie gaming shop. My feelings for him have changed since last New Year's Eve when he stood me up to go see his family and I wasn't allowed to join. We had already made plans for a quiet and romantic evening and I brought the food and the wine and he waited until 2:00 PM to let me know that I would be spending it alone. He said MIL needed him because NYE gives her flashbacks from FIL. As background, FIL left her in the 90s and married his mistress in the 2000s. I felt horrible. He knew NYE is important to me and that I was looking forward to a romantic evening and that my family lives on the other side of the country. He knows being here is a sacrifice for me because I have kids that I bend over backwards to spend time with and that flying every Wednesday to see them is a huge part of being present. **(editor's note- this reference to her kids is explained in the comments of the update post)** I took a client whose deadline was January 2 ( their culture doesn't celebrate NYE) and I agreed because I needed the money. That was a game changer for me but my heart was broken. After that I've tried to work around not losing my love for him but what I feel is that I'm experiencing the pain of losing respect for this man. I can't stand it, I can't even look at him, and I feel very guilty because I'm finding my happiness behind his back. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I constantly make up supposed work schedules just to get away from him. I can't take this anymore. His sister asked me to allow her to have her wedding at my place because she can't afford anything else, and now she's not speaking to me but she still expects me to host her. I agreed on having the wedding where I live because I thought we could actually get to know each other and it would help to create a good relationship, which is important to me. I don't know if she's not speaking to me because she feels she doesn't need me anymore or because there's something I don't know that's happening. I'm mentioning this because SIL (F41) and MIL (F69) have a history of playing victim and SIL finds ways to get aggravated constantly. I tried to talk to her and she has simply ignored my calls and my messages. I thought that because of this, she had decided to have her wedding elsewhere but now I'm being informed that I need to remove my pets on my furniture so that she can use my living room for her ceremony. I texted and called to get clarification and was left on seen and honestly, I got pissed. It feels like I'm begging to be a part of their family. I'm so angry, and I told him, and basically he kind of shrugged, I've decided to just move out without telling him. I talked to my landlord so that I can leave two months earlier. I'll just take my pets and everything I own while he's at work and just drive off. I'm feeling tired of feeling lonely within this relationship. Last month, I was inducted into a career guild and refused to take him as my plus one because I didn't want any pictures of him next to me. It would ruin the moment. I don't owe him anything. He left me basically alone when I had COVID and was very irritated whenever I asked if he could buy me some food. And also I owe him nothing of what I am as he has never celebrated me while I bent over backwards to help his mom despite her attitude. I spent my birthday alone because he was busy. All he does is ask me how much more money I'm going to get in the future. I know this is my fault because at some point I promised him that I would help him fund his dream restaurant but that was back when things were great between us. I know it's wrong to go back on my word but I can help it. I don't want to be in his future and I don't want to invest in his life. I'm still down for what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm being an a-hole for planning on leaving him without telling him. I just don't want his family to yell at me like they did to my other SIL when she left my brother-in-law. Also, SIL can be very volatile and both she and MIL claimed they have assaulted people, but I don’t know if they are just bragging. He has been asking what's going on because I can barely hide my contempt whenever he tries to initiate a conversation about helping him create a business. I'm fed up with having to listen to his insistent questions that are making me feel very uncomfortable. I told him I'm not an insistent person. I didn't harass him to come to my place when he stood me up on NYE. I didn't insist that he give me a present for my birthday because he's an adult. He says it's different since a business is a lifelong situation and a birthday gift loses value. I’m clear on the end of our relationship, but I’m kind of doubtful about ruining the wedding. It’s ten days away. AITA?? ***Relevant Comments:*** *Is he on the lease? Make sure you're covered legally:* "He's not on the lease because of his credit and because when I got this place I wasn't thinking about living with anyone. I will gather all his belongings and ship them to his mother's house." *Does he have ANY redeeming qualities?* "Yes, of course. He has a sense of humor that can be very heartwarming. Unfortunately, that changed and it was all pranks that stressed people out ( he told me he had lupus and would die and then got mad at me for crying uncontrollably, then told me the truth). He's not the type to yell, although abuse comes from other areas in his character. He loves his family, no question about that. When we got together, I didn't care that he wasn't financially sound because he was funny and always acted like I mattered. We would talk endlessly and he actually made me feel like I held a place in his life. It was only after he realized how much I cared about him that things went south. I've been abandoned emotionally and physically and have been treated like a tool to promote his image. I just can't look at him anymore." *Could he be having an affair? Especially with not spending NYE with you:* "I've had my suspicions but have no proof. MIL is awfully cozy with his ex gf but it could be someone else. This is part of my aggravation. I think they are enabling him." ***There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but OOP was generally voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17p9poa/update_aitah_for_secretly_planning_on_moving_out/)**: November 6, 2023 (19 days later)** TLDR: I moved out without telling my ex-boyfriend and SIL, who was planning a wedding at my place, despite ignoring my constant calls to sort things out. I got a short notice to “remove my pets and furniture” so that she could have her event. My wish would have been to leave his stuff at MIL’s place and have him figure out that I left later that day but ML caught me dropping off his belongings and this originated the shit show. For background, this man and his family ignored me when I was sick with Covid and my ex both called off our NYE plans and excluded me for his family’s New Year's Eve celebration despite knowing that I was very hurt by this. He’s a gamer, a lazy leech and a damaging presence and I lost all my respect for him. The wedding was canceled because I went scorch earth thanks to my best friend who backed me up. First of all, thanks to everyone who took the time to offer their advice. I wasn’t expecting my post to get that kind of attention. So, thanks for the good will. I’ve been kind of inactive due to having to deal with things so that I could move out, settle into my new place and have lots of work from my daily career stuff. Letting them have the wedding at my place AFTER I was gone was not an option because as some Reddittor pointed out, they could trash the place. Also, there’s a lot going on right now. I talked to my ex boss and was as honest as possible. She was alarmed, her reaction was 400% more pissed off than the average Redditor feeling empathy for my situation. She stepped in, because I couldn't find emergency movers. There’s a cargo division at her company, and while she couldn’t send any employees to move my stuff during working hours, she helped me find some employees who do moving gigs off duty. I talked to my family and explained what’s happening. I flew my pets to them (I’ll be completely moving back home in a few weeks) so that I could have some elbow space because I didn’t know if I could find a new place ASAP that was also pet friendly. The movers were very organized and thankfully took everything out as quickly as permitted. I followed Reddit advice and changed the locks. I also paid the landlord a cleaning fee because the advice I got on here was very eye opening and I didn’t want to linger alone. The landlord inspected (not much to inspect except for any damages, which were none) and settled on letting me out of the lease. My lawyer gave me plenty of advice, which comes down to him having a different address as his official dwelling place to get his mail, child support paperwork and where he lists himself in official documents. As long as I kept detailed information of returning his property intact and not retaining his property, there wasn’t much that he could claim. I put all his stuff in trash bags and left it on his mother’s porch. It made sense not to spend a dime on shipping anything. I recorded everything and took inventory. Nothing was damaged or broken and my lawyer has records. My best friend is gold (Rinna F41). She dropped everything and had her foot up my a\*\* telling me off for allowing him to get this far in terms of treating me badly. She also arranged for me to stay with her boyfriend’s mom for a few days until the new place that I applied to sent me notice. All I needed was a room with a bathroom or something. I couldn’t deal with putting all my furniture up again as I’m leaving the area soon. I’m paying rent at her MIL’s house, although it's three hours away from my office and it’s not feasible for the long term. So I’m going to my office 2x a week and doing the rest via video call. Whatever I do, I won’t be going back to town. My former boss says she is concerned and helped me get a small office space (meeting room) for obligatory face meetings that I can do within a one hour distance ratio. I’m extremely grateful because I know she’s not obligated. She was always a boss when she was my supervisor way back when but with what she’s done for me, I would call her Kaleesy and feel like it’s real. D Day: MIL was outside when I went to leave his stuff. Honestly, I hesitated but figured out there was never gonna be a perfect time to drop everything off so I basically hopped out of my car, left everything and ignored her as she persistently asked me what was going on. I avoided making eye contact and it was very uncomfortable. He called me and claimed what I did was petty and unjustified. He said he would come to my place so that we could talk. I clarified nothing. If he was gaslighting me then he deserves to drive all the way only not to be able to get in. He called me at night again, saying his key wasn't working. I said he's damn right, and I informed him that I no longer live there. I don't need to describe the shit show because I'm pretty sure it's universal to abusive partners. First he was aggravated, then he demanded that I show up, then he tried to pin his family's well being on me. I said SIL never replied to my messages and she can have her wedding elsewhere. I kept my cool as my best friend suggested, just to spite him. He was livid and went from confused to angry to lying about me "using him". I did talk to SIL and had a surprisingly civilized conversation that amounted to nothing because 2 hours later, she and Ryan's cousins started spamming my phone. By that day during the afternoon, I was pissed enough when she had her groom call me. I'll call him George (M41). George and I have never had a real relationship. We never really talked during family events and we didn't even have each other on social media. He's a mellow guy, kind of a Pink Panther personality (slow walking, won’t mess with anyone, very quiet). I was 50/50 surprised at his attitude but not entirely taken aback. I understand he was told differently about the venue ( so basically he thought I just upped and left out of jealousy/ spite against Ryan and his family). I also got very triggered when I heard him repeating baseless stuff about me. I understand it was him innocently passing on gossip thinking it was true, but it just made me angry. I'm not proud of this, but I told him that Ryan and his family don't respect him and say embarrassing stuff behind his back and that wouldn't give me the right to repeat demeaning stuff or turn him into an enemy. I told him that sadly, Ryan always refers to him as "the spare guy" because SIL had always had a thing for her ex husband and that sadly, out of a few guys that she dated here and there, he was the only one willing to put a ring on it. He demanded proof so I said no problem. It took me a few hours, but I located voicemails Ryan had sent me. For background, whenever Ryan wanted to distance himself from guys he considered losers, he would say things like "I'm not like George", " George is only good to keep quiet and take orders" "George's mom looks horny" " My sister said George could barely get it up and he need a pill" “ George was acting out but you know my sister, she threatened to leave him and he got scared”. Again, I'm not happy with what I did but I was insulted that someone who never even talked had the gall to come at me. TBH, this didn’t really deter him. I had him on speaker while at a parking lot while Rinna and I were having lunch. Rinna got pissed by George persisting, but we finally understood what was going on when he claimed that I took their money. It turns out that he (supposedly) has given SIL some kind of a deposit because I have allegedly demanded to get paid for the use of my place. This never happened. It didn’t make sense. I was asked to help because they were broke, I never asked for money. Rinna made herself apparent on the call, and it was funny because when George asked who she was she was like “don’t worry about it”. So she said that he was out of line, but because he was being stubborn and we both believed he wasn’t to blame, she said we should have a call. George sounded confident that he was in the right and about a minute later, I got an invite for a chat group. Shit show #2 was horrible but necessary. I know I stoopped a bit low, but I’m satisfied to have followed Reddit advice about “burning the bridge and poisoning the water”. I added FIL on the chat, and I’m sure Ryan will never forgive me. For background, Ryan has a David and Goliath complex about FIL, FIL being Goliath. He has internalized competitiveness against his father. He so badly wants to outdo FIL, that he tends to forget that FIL is an old man. IDK if I’m right, but sometimes I feel like they are “fighting” against an idea and not reality. The call started out as a mess. There were insults and a lot of yelling but at this point, I was sick of their behavior. I sent him evidence that I’d been reaching out without getting any response. I forwarded all the voicemails and screenshots, especially two or three where Ryan shows excitement that his sister will have a venue and thanked me for understanding that she can’t pay for it. MIL dropped out of the call the minute FIL came in. I told FIL what was going on, thanked him for the cordial treatment I always got from him and explained that I was offering my place as a venue but was ignored when I needed to address it. And that Ryan is simply unsuitable to be with a hardworking and successful partner because he’s a parasite. And that I can’t respect a man who DOESN’T HAVE A REAL JOB, GAMES HIS DAYS AWAY, is probably lying about his new job right now. All Ryan said was “wow” and that I was “insulting him” And it gets worse. FIL gets constantly demonized for having dumped MIL, and he starts talking very sternly about feeling confused and disappointed about all this wedding stuff. He and Ryan got into an argument, and SIL started yelling. Despite me disliking Ryan because of everything that he did, hearing FIL calling him a “moron” and a source of embarrassment felt kind of heavy. FIL says he is fed up with all his children, and that despite knowing his children resent him, he did give SIL 2k as a gift to pay some off debt or use it for the wedding but she used it all up on outings and good times instead, and that his blood boiled every time he saw her FB posts. I don’t have much information on this, I just know that George was super thrown off by this and kept asking and asking about it. He sounded confused, just like when someone has been denied some resources readily available, but I could be wrong. FIL said he expected his money back because he was fed up with all the drama and said that if this was gonna keep on happening, “please don’t come to me when you get a divorce”. FIL told SIL to just stop listening to Ryan already, because he’s unhelpable and can’t be of help to anyone because he’s both dumb and greedy, and that he’s like an open mouth with an eternally empty stomach. And that she’s ridiculously for following Ryan, like a cult member. SIL starts yelling at him and he said this is exactly why all her men run for the hills, and to go ask her mother if temper tantrums and victim mongering are in any way aphrodisiac. That was a huge can of worms to be opened so I immediately dropped from the call because I was very stressed out, despite having tried to keep a cool headed mindset. I blocked everyone and changed my number, sealed all my social media and removed apps where I didn’t know how to block people. It’s been weeks and no wedding stuff has been posted. None of my friends who have visited their profiles have seen anything but cryptic stuff written by George. I cannot guarantee the wedding did not take place but it doesn’t look like it. Also, I agree with some replies about having a court wedding. They could have done that. For additional clarification, I wanted FIL to know everything because he was quite often the inky friendly face in that family and I didn’t want to leave without having him understand the truth. He was decent and I didn’t want him to think that I’m some kind of a witch who ruined his daughter’s wedding for shits and giggles. Thanks again. ***Relevant Comments:*** *More on former FIL and MIL's relationship and FIL himself:* "MIL baby trapped him. Many times. She got pregnant every time FIL announced he wanted a separation. She was overtly focused on sex as a way to show the world that they were together. To this day, she has the bad taste to describe their encounters and it's tacky. FIL soft ghosted her after a huge argument when she literally assaulted his assistant. He had her think that they were going to a new home, rented a new place out of town, made sure they were settled in, and never moved in with them. He got a transfer and went to work and live in yet another town. It took over 7 years to finalize the divorce, but he remarried and has a very solid relationship with his wife and step children and step grandkids. As background, FIL is successful and started from literally nothing." "I'm kind of sorry that he tried and tried to help his children get on the right track. He's helped buy courses, equipment for when SIL wanted to start a business and it seems like they feed on his attention but they never followed through" *OOP explains about her kids:* I was gonna add that but I thought it would make it even longer. Thanks for asking. I'm a single mom (cheating ex, divorced). My kids are under 10 yrs old. Years ago, I was struggling to provide. Their father would rather spend on lawyers that go pay proper child support. It's a long story and very painful for me. I had two jobs and found a side gig that was commission based only. I didn't really understand it but took the short training. It took me a hot minute, but I eventually got the hang of it.. having a few extra hundreds at the end of the month made me feel better, at least I could cover some bills and not stress out for the Holidays. Long story short, I ended up getting hired with a salary and benefits. I developed an ambition for learning and basically, to guarantee that I could provide. I moved on to a new job, which I remember fondly. That's where I met my former boss who helped me move out this time. That job opened so many doors for me. I was able to get a better position, get a good salary, help my parents, etc. They decided to shut down operations in my area. I did apply for local jobs but got a very good offer for a job transfer. I would be in charge of several employees and see an increase in salary because they needed me to open a department/replicate operations. It was me, my ex boss and two other employees who took the leap. She now works at a different company. I talked to both my kids and my parents. My kids weren't thrilled. My parents didn't love the idea. Also, taking the kids would be devastating as my kids are very close to them. I sat down and when I did the math, my living costs at my new location are way higher. If I came alone, I could navigate, save up to both start a business and lay the foundation for my kids to have a fund. I live in a very nice but more or less affordable place and put my money towards my kids. When I came to live here, I negotiated partial remote work. This is why I mentioned in my original post that I travel every Wednesday after work. I stay until Sunday, no matter what. After my working agreement ended, I had already signed agreements with local companies as my clients. Some of my work is easily managed on remote, but a lot is done on site. I didn't have the financial strength to hire multiple executives until I got the New Years Eve client ( previous post). I'm currently tending to a local consulting client until December. This is why my former boss helped me find a place to do meetings, since I didn't feel comfortable going to my old office ( I was subletting from a colleague) for obvious reasons. My ex leaving me hanging on NYE was the beginning of the end. I stayed to be able to focus on the work I had to do and couldn't risk losing hours on traveling and not being able to deliver. That's a very important Holiday for me and my family. I was tense as I had a tight deadline and instead of being supportive, he made it worse."

AITAH for secretly planning on moving out despite my SIL expecting to have her wedding at my place?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17urdoz/aitah_for_secretly_planning_on_moving_out_despite/

17uusga

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Mundane_Lime_2168 **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **My (53M) daughter (15F) is pregnant, how do I tell her that our older daughter (31F) is actually her biological mother?** **Thank you to u/PitaEnigma for making the family tree diagram for visualizing purposes** Trigger Warnings: >!teen pregnancy, mentions of depression, neglect, incest, mentions of rape!< &nbsp; [**Original Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17210ja/my_53m_daughter_15f_is_pregnant_how_do_i_tell_her/) - **October 7, 2023** So me (53M) and my wife Rose (53F) had our older daughter Sarah (31F) when we were 22. We were young and broke, but managed and now we raised Sarah the best we could. She got pregnant at 15. It was a very depressing time for her, she had to go to therapy, and never told us anything about the father, which always upset her, so we never pushed the issue. She originally wanted to terminate, but kept canceling, and eventually told us she wanted to give her up for adoption. But five months into the pregnancy, when she was discussing with a social worker for a couple to adopt, the couple dropped out of the adoption. After trying to find more couples, Sarah asked us if we wanted to adopt. Me and Rose were both 38 at this point, and we had both been discussing having another child, so we ended up adopting our daughter Ellie when Sarah had her at 16. Two years after Ellie, me and my wife had our son Logan (13) biologically. Growing up we always planned on telling Ellie she was adopted, but we knew with telling her that, we had to tell her Sarah was her bio mother. Sarah never became close with Ellie, not even as siters. She moved out after the birth and lived with Roses sister. She has always shown sisterly love to her Logan, but never towards Ellie. There has always been conflicting feelings with Sarah I have seen posts on Sarah's Instagram where she posted a picture of what was supposed to be the five of us, but Ellie was cut out. I confronted her about this and she says its too painful. However, a couple years ago she showed up drunk begging us to let us see her "daughter". We talked to her and let her stay but did not let her near Ellie since she was drunk. We found out from her husband she had suffered several miscarriages and was told to consider a surrogate. She ended up doing that four years ago and has since had twins Jack and Jill (3M and F) who are biologically hers. Ellie has loved being an aunt to the twins and Sarah has encouraged this with Ellie, and has been inviting Ellie over her house for family time with Logan, who loves being an uncle. We have asked Sarah that in light of the twins, and Ellie being close to them, wouldn't it be time to tell Ellie the truth, but Sarah keeps claiming she is not ready. Recently Ellie came to us and has told us she is pregnant. This time it is a completely different situation, we have met the father, he is a child hood friend of hers and they decided they wanted to lost their virginities to each other. We had the talk with Ellie long ago, as we did with Sarah. We approached the situation calmly and have since met with the father and his parents. Ellie is insistent on keeping the baby. She is 3 months along. We have not told Sarah yet, we do not know how to approach the situation, we dont know how she will be able to take it. Me and my wife are considering telling Ellie the truth but we need Sarah to be there. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments from OOP:** **haunteddew:** Did you ever consider Sarah was raped and that's why she never told you about the father, wanted to terminate, and is incredibly distant from her daughter because she is the offspring of a rapist? Just a passing thought. >**OP:** Yes she has never said anything but we haves always suspected that is what happened, her therapist would be the only person who knows but whatever is said stays between them. **lianavan:** Please discuss contraception with your son if you haven't already. Also, why is her being pregnant a nudge to tell her she is your other daughter's biological child? Wouldn't that be a bit much just this second? >**OP:** Yeah we might hold off on telling her, but at the same time we dont know how Sarah will react fining out Ellie is pregnant. We have had the talk with all three of our children about contraception, they didnt want to use protection the first time, and thought "being careful" would not risk pregnancy. **TransportationFun219:** I did think this straight away, wonder what will happen when one of them does a off the shelf dna test , probably will happen at some point >**OP:** I would not do a DNA test without Ellie knowing anything, because if Sarah was assaulted I would not want him around Ellie. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17qgqrf/update_my_53m_daughter_15f_is_pregnant_how_do_i/) - **November 7, 2023** So I decided to write in an update as I'm still getting messages on this account. First I want to address the main issue. I was wondering about advice on what to do after finding about my daughter Ellie 15 is pregnant, but that we had the exact same situation with her older sister Sarah 31, who is actually Ellie's biological mother. Well, I decided to just focus on helping out Ellie, who is four months pregnant. We didn't want to stress her out by telling her about the adoption yet, in fact, we know we should have already told her a long time ago, despite Sarah's emotions on the matter, its not like we even knew the details on Ellie's father, so that would have been Sarah's talk, but we as Ellie's -parents still should have told her the truth when she was younger. A week after I made the post Ellie told family about the pregnancy. She had since told my parents, her boyfriends grandparents, and then of course, she has told Sarah. Sarah didnt react well, but told her she would support her. Of course Sarah reached out to us after, very upset, but said she was ready to talk to Ellie, first about the adoption with us, and she said that she wanted to tell Ellie about her father alone. We sat down and had the discussion, Ellie was of course upset, but calmed down after a while. She of course had questions about her father, Sarah had that discussion with her, at the time I didnt know what she was told, and it was none of our business, but Ellie told us she knows who he is, and said she didnt want to reach out, so we moved on after that. The other day I got a call from my sister-in-law Renee (31F), my brothers wife. She was angry and was asking what kind of sick ideas was Sarah putting in Ellie's head. She started mentioning stuff about Ellie's adoption, so after I got her to calm down she told me what happened. She claimed that Ellie had messaged my brother Ethan (32) and told him about the adoption and wanted to talk to him. This confused me because me and Ethan dont talk much, we were never really close because we are 21 years apart, he was my mothers late child and he always got along with mine and our sisters kids as they were all around the same age, and Ellie only saw him on the holidays, so telling him about the details in her life didnt make since. Renee explained to me that Ellie claimed that Ethan was her father because that is what Sarah had told her and told him that he was going to be a grandpa. I had to sit down for a while. I called Sarah and we had a long conversation. She told me that yes it was true that Ethan is Ellie's biological father. Sarah and Ethan were close when they were young, they were only eight months apart. Sarah says that when they went thought puberty feelings changed and that every time she went to her grandmothers they would hide away from everyone and have "there own time". Sarah was upset talking about this but told me that he never assaulted her and that it was always consensual. She never wanted to tell me because she was ashamed of the fact that the father of her baby was her uncle. I have since talked to Ethan as well. He denied it to Ellie over text but told me that it was true. We exchanged a few words back and forth, even if this was consensual, how could he sleep with his own niece? He had all these but I wasnt hearing it. He knew of the pregnancy and being Ellie's father the whole time, and he never even bothered to step up to say anything! I have talked to Ellie about it, she says she was upset when she found out, but she always thought she looked like my step-dads side of the family. It upset me when she mentioned that because honestly I see it, its pretty obvious now. I always knew that Ellie favored whoever her father was because she didnt look like anyone on our side, but I never suspected Ethan. My mother and step-dad have found out and Ethan told Renee it was true. She has left with their kids to stay with her family. Ethan has tried to reach out to Ellie now but I dont want her speaking to him, I'm still her father and I dont think she is safe being in touch with him, Ellie has shown no interest in talking. I asked her why she reached out to him before talking to Sarah or us about it, and she said she just wanted to know his side of the story, but feels betrayed for being lied too. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Commentator asks about family tree to clarify up relationships** >**OP:** I apologize the reason I was so specific about it is cause its the reason we have always been distant. My father died when I was 20, and we were all devastated. My mother was as well, but than told us months after my father died she was pregnant by a coworker, they married three months before Ethan was born. Although we are distant I'm the closest sibling who communicates, none of my sisters have anything to do with him. **Graycy:** Sarah shoulda fessed up at the start. Did Ethan know Ellie was his when she was adopted? Surely it was no surprise. How could he go 15 years living a lie? Sarah too. This is so messed up. >**OP:** Ethan knew about being the father of Sarah's baby, he wanted Sarah to abort, which is why she wanted to abort in the beginning, but she decided on adoption. **Crypto_gambler952** Maybe it's time that you older daughter do for "her daughter" what you did for her! >**OP:** Ellie and her boyfriend fully intend on raising this baby as their own, with the support of me and my wife and his parents. &nbsp; **Editor’s Note: Attached is the family tree diagram to help understand the relationships** https://imgur.com/a/mUGXk0j &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

My (53M) daughter (15F) is pregnant, how do I tell her that our older daughter (31F) is actually her biological mother?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17uusga/my_53m_daughter_15f_is_pregnant_how_do_i_tell_her/

17uusvw

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Mother_Tradition_774 **Originally posted to** r/amiwrong **Would I be wrong to ask my family to split the costs of the cake for my sister’s second wedding reception?** Trigger Warnings: >!financial issues!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/175qvc4/would_i_be_wrong_to_ask_my_family_to_split_the/?share_id=s_nppdFlbH4ultT89LKje&utm_content=2&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Oct 11, 2023** My (31f) sister (35f) got married a few weeks ago in a beautiful wedding that my parents paid for. The wedding was held in a different state because it was close to my BIL’s hometown where most of his large family lives and it was also a reasonable distance from our extended family as well (my extended family lives on the East Coast, we live in the Midwest). Because a lot of our friends that live in our state were unable to travel for the wedding, my mom decided to host a small reception that will be happening later this month. I am in my last year of law school and I’m also working a full time job. When my mom mentioned the idea for the second reception a few months ago. I immediately told her I wouldn’t be able to help (I helped plan my sister’s wedding) but I volunteered to pay for the cake as a way of contributing. She said that was fine and she would begin planning as soon as the wedding was over. One thing led to another and I ended up doing 90% of the planning myself. Basically what would I happen is my mom would suggest an idea and ask me to research it. I would present her with my research and she would ask me to follow up with the vendor. I would do that but by doing so, I inadvertently became the liaison between the vendor and my parents. The only thing my mom has done on her own is select the theme, the invitations and the decorations. I booked the venue, selected the menu, booked the entertainment, designed and ordered the invitations and as well as made the address labels for them. My parents are still paying all of the costs. I just did the majority if the actual planning. Here’s the problem: in the last two months, I encountered three unexpected expenses that put about a $1200 hole in my finances. I even had to pay my rent late this month. By my estimations, I won’t be caught up until I receive my holiday bonus from my job in December. Last year my bonus was $1300. The cake for my sister’s party is going to cost $300. I technically have the money but I’ll have almost have nothing left for the month after my bills are paid. Would it be wrong to ask my family to help with the cost? I feel bad for asking because I did volunteer to pay for it and my parents didn’t budget for it. Also, my sister and BIL don’t live in our state so they have to pay for a flight and hotel the weekend of the party. At the same time, there wouldn’t be a party if it wasn’t for me doing all the work to plan it. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **justducky4now:** No, and you wouldn’t be wrong for sending them an invoice for your time spent planning. I wouldn’t recommend it though unless you want a blow up. I would also tell them they need to pay for the whole cake since your offer of paying for it was contingent on the fact you wouldn’t do the planning yet they had you do most of the planning. You need to find you back home OP or they will continue to take advantage of you. Also make it clear you won’t be setting up for or cleaning up after the wedding as you have more than done your part. > **OP:** I already made it clear to my family that I’m not doing anything else for this party. I’m not even showing up early. The party starts at 5pm and that’s when I will arrive. I now realize that I shouldn’t have agreed to do this much and I won’t do it again. **mutualbuttsqueezin:** For real. She wants a second wedding reception on someone else's dime? The fucking entitlement. > **OP:** To clarify, the party was not my sister’s idea. It was my mom’s. My sister supports the idea but she doesn’t care if it happens or not. **Signal_Violinist_995:** Not wrong at all. Good luck with school! You didn’t choose an easy road - but I am sure a very positive road!! By the way - impressed how much time you spent on your sister! I sure hope she is worth it. > **OP:** She’s definitely worth it. She’s a wonderful sister and she’s been incredibly supportive of me. She’s actually paying the fee for my bar exam as a law school graduation gift. That’s why I stepped up and planned this party for her without hesitation or complaints. It might explain why my family is oblivious to the fact that I’ve taken on too much. **kkrolla:** You told them you would pay for it & you should. Honor your word. You should have reminded mom that you said you can't help with planning as it happened & discussed helping her but not buying cake then. Maybe ask mom to help or front the money. Say what you mean and do what you say you will do. Be a person who is reliable and keeps their word. It's an extremely important trait. > **OP:** I’m not saying this to argue but I do think it’s unfair to say I’m not being reliable or keeping my word. When I said I would pay for the cake, I didn’t know that I would have these unexpected expenses less than two months before the party. Emergencies happen. One of the reasons I didn’t have money saved to cover these expenses was because I spent so much money paying the costs of being my sister’s MOH (travel expenses, dress, hair, makeup etc.). I spent the past year going above and beyond for my sister and I would gladly do it again. I just don’t think I should go broke paying for this cake. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/17qac9d/update_would_i_be_wrong_to_ask_my_family_to_split/) - **November 7, 2023** About a month ago, I posted about a conflict I was having regarding a cake I had offered to purchase for my sister’s second wedding reception. I could no longer afford the cake due to some financial difficulties I was dealing with and the overwhelming opinion of this sub was that I should tell my family I can’t pay for the cake. I followed that advice and it worked out better than I hoped it would. When I told my parents about my problem, they offered to pay for the cake without hesitation. They said it was nice of me to offer to pay for the cake but they don’t want me to do to if it would cause a financial strain. My sister said we could just get a cake from the grocery store but my parents really wanted it to be a wedding cake and they didn’t mind paying the costs. In another surprising turn, my mom called me last week and asked me to explain in more detail exactly what was going on with my finances. I had been very caught when I told her I couldn’t pay for the cake ad she knew there was more to the story. I told about the $1200 hole in my finances and she was really empathetic. She told me she would call me back and when she did and had my dad on speaker. They’re going to give me $1000 to help me out! They said they wish they could give more but it’s all they can do on short notice. I was absolutely shocked. This experience has taught me that being a people pleaser only benefits the people around you. I’m finally learning that setting boundaries isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength. I hope this story can encourage the other people pleasers out there that it’s ok to say no. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

Would I be wrong to ask my family to split the costs of the cake for my sister’s second wedding reception?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17uusvw/would_i_be_wrong_to_ask_my_family_to_split_the/

17uutim

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Practical_Appearance **Going to a bar alone as a woman - does it seem weird or desperate?** **Originally posted to** r/askSouthAfrica **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Harassment!< **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/askSouthAfrica/s/XITO9JbRoK)  **Sept 19, 2023** Just wondering, if you see a woman alone at a bar, do you think that she's desperate to meet someone or just there for a hook up? Or that it's sad that she doesn't have any friends? I'm 34F and at that age where most of my friends either have kids and prefer to stay home, or has moved away. Or they are just completely broke and don't go out. Don't have many single friends left and I miss going out to bars. When I solo travel to other countries I don't mind going out alone at night, but for some reason it feels odd doing it in my home city. I wouldn't mind meeting someone in a bar but I'm not the type to do random hookups, and it's usually the drunk ou toppies in their 50's+ who try their luck. And I want to go watch the rugby on Saturday! Don't usually do rugby, but it's the world cup so I'll make an exception. Don't want to go watch at my friend's place with her screaming toddlers running around, also don't want to watch alone at home on my phone because I probably have loadshedding. What's some cool places to go to in the Pretoria area? [(Update) Alone at a bar as a woman. So here I am tonight. I did it.](https://www.reddit.com/r/askSouthAfrica/s/vZIntT4Gt1)  **Sept 23, 2023** I asked the guy at the door to please seat me at the bar instead of a table because I'm alone. He had to ask a guy spread over 3 seats to move to make some space for me. Guy is rude, when I tried to say hi he rolled his eyes and looked away. I think I saw my ex husband's best friend here. She also didn't say hi when I smiled at her. I might be the only person here not wearing a rugby shirt. I don't have one and don't want one. This is not my usual vibe. I usually go out to watch bands, not rugby, but I'm trying something new. I hate this so much. **OOP UPDATES IN THE COMMENTS** [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/askSouthAfrica/s/JVaqAVZb7h) Update #2 disgusting ou toppie is trying to chat me up  gave him a fake number and told him I'm the same age as his son, and my grandma is his age and currently dying of old age. He still won't f*ck off. Told him I'm not interested in him. Still not working. He is annoying AF. This is ehy I didn't want to do this. Currently hiding in the bathrooms [Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/askSouthAfrica/s/yBqlR9Pdk8) Update #3 Rude guy next to me's girlfriend showed up. She's really nice. We're going for lunch next week * **batmanincosplay** >Yay good for you! I very often go for drinks by myself. As long as the door guy knows you’re alone and he seems like a safe person, just have fun and follow your intuition. Don’t hide in the bathrooms unless you really have to, and if you can, just tell the old ballies that you are not interested and want to focus on the match or whatever. Usually they’ll leave you alone and you’ll be able to continue chatting casually to whoever comes or order a drink. Try to enjoy! **OOP replied** >>Thanks. After I came out of the bathroom I straight up told the old guy I'm not interested and I want him to leave and he did. He is 2x my age. The rest of the evening was pleasant **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **RoxySometimes** >I saw your original post a few days ago, I’m the same age and in a similar situation (single, no kids, most of my friends are either married with kids, are completely reclusive home-bodies and some even party like we’re still 21.) >I was recently grabbing a last-minute bag of noodles for supper (bachelorette life, am I right?) at the shop in a little centre nearby, and a random dude started chatting to me and asked me if I wanted to come for a quick drink at the pub next door. He was quite nice and didn’t seem sketchy, and is in my good-books because he thought I was younger than I am! My first though was “absolutely the fuck not,” but honestly I had nothing better to do, I would end up at home working or cleaning with 3 dogs and a cat as companionship, so I did it! I went and put my stuff in the car and walked in to one of the dodgier pubs in our area (think very drunk people singing karaoke and some old dude with no-skaam staring blatantly at you.) >It might be a small interaction, nothing eventful happened, I had my drink, chatted with some new people and left, but I can’t tell you how much it empowered me and made me remember how free I am. I’ve been through loads of stuff over the last 3 years that probably affected me (a gift to bestow on my future therapist,) and exercising my free will, my free time, and getting out of my flat was like waking up from the longest sleep. >Will I return to that pub in a hurry? Not a chance, it was gross and should probably be shut down for various reasons. But does that event, plus seeing your post and your admirable bravery inspire me to want to go out on my own? Heeellll yeah! Hope you have an awesome night! Just be safe though, please :) **OOP replied twice** **1st comment** >>I've also been through loads of stuff in the past 3 years, it changes you, and once I can afford a future therapist, they will be rewarded! I am safe home, it was an interesting night, and I am thankful that I went through with it. I don't really know how to say this, because I would not wish my experiences in the past 3 years on anyone alse, but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through it **2nd comment** >>I think "empowered" is a good way to describe it. I was about the cancel my Haloween plans because the friend I was supposed to go to the party with, now has a work trip that same weekend. None of my other friends can go and I didn't want to go alone. Now I'm thinking that I can do this, I can go have fun on my own. No reason to stay home because my friends have young kids / are broke / busy / whatever. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Going to a bar alone as a woman - does it seem weird or desperate?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17uutim/going_to_a_bar_alone_as_a_woman_does_it_seem/

17uuu7z

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Miranda1888 **AITAH for not giving enough attention to my daughter?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Child neglect, cancer!< **MOOD SPOILER:** >!Willfully oblivious parenting!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/pm9QrjMiHz) **Nov 4, 2023** i know that sounds mean but listen up. I 35F have two daugthers let's say their names are Anna 14 and Mary 9. So Mary has bone cancer and down syndrome, and it takes me and my husband a lot of time caring for her. But lately Anna has been telling about being a glass child (a child who isnt cared enough bc of a disabled sibling). I told her that we understand her and we are going to work for it. But last week Mary was taken to the hospital for a checkup but it pissed Anna off she got breakdown and started crying. I didn't have time to comfort her but in the car I called her and she didn't answer. At home I asked why she didn't answer and she just ignored me. On Friday, she told the school psychologist how she is not taken care of and my husband was called from the school we explained to them our situation. They seemed to understand but today Anna has been ingnoring me so what should I do and AITAH **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **BendPresent1437** >YTA. You are neglecting the glass child who is rightfully feeling as her parents do not care about her. It's the parents fault when a child feels that way, it's because you are not doing enough for her, entirely your fault, not hers. >Remember that you have 2 children, not one, "we are going to work for it" is just a shitty stupid comment that means nothing to her, are you not ashamed of yourself for being such a shitty cold parents? Both you and your husband are unworthy. * **JanetInSpain** >Soft YTA. Of course you are going through a lot. It's a huge emotional burden and trauma for you and your husband. That said, however, you DO have two children and they both need you. You must put in more effort to love and give sole attention to Anna. She's at a fragile age right now -- becoming a young woman but still a child. Don't let her fall off the edge because all of your attention was turned the other way. Hire help to care for Mary if you have to. [Update/explanation 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/yPgS3tWXKc) **Nov 5, 2023** From the last post many thougth that I don't care about Anna, but thats not the case. I love both of my children equally. Can I get some tips how to spend more time with her while still being with Mary. Me and my husband have thinked about splitting the hospital visits so other one could be with Anna. I just asked Anna does she want to watch a movie with just me but she said no. So what should I do with her **TOP COMMENT** >So, I'm going to give you a blunt answer. It isn't to hurt you, but because you still don't seem to be understanding the severity of this situation. >This is not a teenage tantrum or snit. Your daughter has spent her life feeling unseen, unheard, and, at times, unwanted. EVERYTHING has been about Mary and always to her detriment. Mary got two attentive, loving parents who were always there for her. Anna got whatever scraps of attention you could spare her when you weren't focused on Mary. Can you imagine how hurtful it has been for her to watch you be so attentive to Mary? It's been proof that you can be loving and present parents, but never to her. >You leaving when Anna was upset may well be the defining moment of your relationship. You've had years to fix this, you've had since she first brought up glass children to reconsider how you treat her, and then she gets upset because there's another thing that is all about Mary. She felt she was still invisible and unheard even after she told you her feelings. >And did you comfort her? Did you try to make her feel better or loved? Nope, you hopped in your car and left. You honestly thought that a quick phone call would be sufficient comfort after you left her feeling hurt and neglected yet again. She didn't answer because you had your chance, and even after hearing how neglected she feels (and yes, emotional neglect is still neglect), and even after seeing her upset, you still couldn't take the time to be there for her, so what would even be the point in talking to you? So you can ignore her feelings some more? So you can not listen yet again? >I get that having a child with health issues is hard. My mum's friend raised 4 children, 2 of whom had learning disabilities and one of those children has Downs. However, she always made sure ALL of her kids got attention. She did things with them individually, and they always knew they could talk to her and be heard. >You and your husband have been at the hospital whilst Anna has been alone. When was the last time you did anything with her? What does she enjoy? What does she want to do when she grows up? What shows is she watching? Do you know any of these things? How many events of hers have you not gone to? Because if you're focusing on one child, the other always loses out. Mary has two parents all the time, so when have you had the time to be a parent to Anna? >Anna doesn't want to watch a film with you, and one film night doesn't fix things. She has disconnected because she tried to get you to consider her, and you failed to do so. Why should she keep trying with you? You left her alone, and now she wants to stay that way. >If you want to fix this, you need to get Anna therapy, and you need to have therapy as a family. You need to hear her and not excuse your neglect of her with, "But Mary needed..," or, "But Mary's sick," because you have two children, but you've only been parenting and present for one of them and no amount of excuses will make Anna feel better about that. You need to take time for just Anna, and you also need to understand that at this point, the damage may already be done, but even then, you keep trying. You need to prove to her that you do want to be there for her, that you do hear her, and that you do love her and want to be an active participant in her life. >You also need to make plans for when you're unable to care for Mary because you cannot ask Anna to take on her care. Anna has already lost her parents and time with you because of Mary's health problems, so you cannot ask her to give up her life and freedom to become a carer to Mary. Such a request would likely cost you any relationship you've managed to salvage with Anna. >I don't think that you're a bad person, but you've been so focused on making sure Mary is okay that you have completely overlooked Anna. Now she's 14 years old, only 4 years away from being able to leave home. If you do not right this ship, there's a chance that you really will only have one child because it's clear that Anna has had enough. She's had all these years of feeling pushed out and overlooked, so you're going to need to invest equal time in fixing things. [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/bKyHCW2yss) **Nov 7, 2023** I just wanted to update you guys so go check the first 2 parts. From friday-monday Anna just came out off her room for food but on monday after school I asked her what happened in school and she told them. Later that day she asked my husband that can she order some makeup online. He told that we should go to a mall to get them, so were going there today with my husband her and me. Now I just want to answer to some things people have said. First we haven't used Anna as a free nanny ever. Then on do I know anything about her, I do know basic stuff like friends but i'm working on talkin with her and asking about her interes. I also connected to a family therapist but I havent been answered If you thougth I ingnored her for saturday-monday I didn't. I asked her if she wants to talk with me or dad but she didn't answer to me. I also asked her to come to store with me and she just told me what to buy to her. ##**NEW UPDATE** * [Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ylnYT2goU9)  **Nov 17, 2023** Update If you are going to read this please read the posts I made before this. So on tuesday we went to the mall Anna came with us but clearly she prefers to be with her dad (my husband) in the car going there we tried starting a conversation but it didnt work out but when we came back Anna talked with her dad what happened in school. On friday there was Annan football match that me and my husband went to see. Anna seems to be a little happier and she comes out of her room like to play games or watch tv. Also wednesday the family therapist called us and we had our first meeting yesterday I wont go to much detail on that but first we talked with family then the therapist talked just with Anna. In the first meeting we mostly just talked about what we will talk about on the next visits and when will they bee. So I think stuff has gotten  better **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITAH for not giving enough attention to my daughter?

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17uuu7z/aitah_for_not_giving_enough_attention_to_my/

17uuuyr

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/TechnologyCreepy8897 **AITA for skipping out on my insanely right winged brother wedding?** **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Racism, misogyny, mentions of incel!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/CNlzfSQCm1)  **Nov 3, 2023** hey everyone! i’ve never posted to reddit before but this conundrum i’ve had with my (21,f) brother (28, m) when we recently had to meet up for a family emergency is where i need the THT community insight. for context: I am the youngest of four siblings and have always been known as being the more “free spirit” and being very vocal about my opinions. I am a liberal and i guess by my mid-western, white, conservative family i am considered to be extremist (probably bc I believe minorities should have more rights). however i never bring politics up with others, especially family. What I don’t know about their views won’t hurt me, right? Well, over the weekend i spent it with my three sibling, my brother (who we’ll call dave) is the second oldest and lives across the country, so i never really see him, and compared to my two other sibling we were never as close. Okay sorry, that was a lot of backstory but basically the story is we were all going out to get lunch and  dave started to say the most vulgar slurs a white man could say. I was absolutely appalled because i did not think he thought this way. He then began to go on this entirely racist, misogynistic rant to the point where even the words I was trying to get out were muted by his talk of “crime ridden black cities” and “women are genetically inferior to men”. Some things that I can’t say because of how buckwild they were. He was pulling up these crazy statistics about race and intelligence that looked like they came out of the 1800’s. and while i’m a child of mass media i’ve seen extremist before but not in my own family. I was literally disgusted by the words I was hearing. As stated before I guess i am a very opinionated individual and this “argument” we were having ended it a yelling match with me leaving the restaurant in tears because i can’t believe i am related to someone who is so openly backwards?? This ended in me deciding that I don’t really want to spend my money and time going to his wedding at the end November. I have to pay for everything: hotel, plane fair, clothes, food, etc travel needs. I’m a college student and can hardly afford that as it is, even if it’s a family member that i enjoy being around. My family thinks i’m being irrational and dramatic, but i don’t know, i think i’m fair in my judgement. Half of my family won’t even be attending because it’s across the country! So I not even fully aware why that half is mad at me! I know politics shouldn’t tear people apart, but being with a downright incel may be where i draw the line. Thank you for reading this if you made it this far, any advice on how to deal with family members like this is very appreciated too!! (also edit: sorry for any typos, should’ve done this on grammarly lol) (another edit: also!! forgot to add that we had to be together for about 3 days, and yes, he was like that the whole time, if not more extreme, just to get under my skin. sometimes he would be spouting this shit in an airport as we were traveling. i made sure to walk very far from him so people didn’t know we were traveling together.) (another edit, damn: yes i know what an incel is, sorry i should say i do not think he’s in on incel forums, but his ideals and morals match with those of an incel, hope this helps) (another edit (i’m so sorry): my family is not that far conservative, definitely not to my brothers extent i think it’s just one of those “there are family so it’s okay” type of thing. this is exactly why i’m so upset, in that moment i did not see him as my brother but a uneducated misogynist, racist man that i would not want to ever be around) (last edit I promise!!: Thank you to anyone that left kind words of encouragement, as well as some of your own stories of cutting off extremely toxic family members. It was nice to hear that I was not alone in thinking that no matter if it’s family, being a blatant manosphere advocate is enough to draw. I also want to say I do not condemn conservatives with this post, but instead the extremist that promote this toxic behavior. Also, as many commenters have suggested that I reach out to the fiancé. I will within the next days as I know this will need to be a long, difficult conversation and I know that she has a busy schedule so I will have to catch her in her off time. And I will update you all with the results of this conversation, hopefully in my sake there will not be that much fallout. Again, thank you all so much as there are many comments to reply to, but know that your kind words mean a lot to a trying college kid. Thanks!!) **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Rhuthbarb** >Just explain you’re too genetically inferior to figure out how to attend. **No_Sympathy5795** >>Or attend with a minority on your arm **OOP replied** >>>what’s crazy is his wife is poc with a doctorate while my brother barely passed high school! So he is literally an oxymoron come to life * **BarRegular2684** >Politics are "should we use tax money for the police department or a new hockey rink?"  >This isn't politics.  This is morality.  And at a certain point, you have to ask yourself if compromising your morality to be around this person is worth it. >I'd skip, personally. **OOP replied** >>thank you! that’s what i’ve been trying to tell people within my family. voting red or blue is one thing, but thinking a different group of people should not be allowed rights is a completely different matter * **prepostornow** >If you could afford it I would recommend going just to avoid stirring them up, but you can't so you have a valid excuse **Homeschoolingdad** >>If she could afford it, I’d recommend going so she could do her best to warn the poor fiancée before she’s trapped into being that thing’s wife. **OOP replied** >>>after reading comments, i think that’s what i may end up doing just via phone call or something along those lines. the fiancé seems like a truly sweet person and honest to god, i don’t know how he ever ended up with her. Seems like the right thing to do, i know i would want someone to warn me about dating a person who thinks in those deeply hateful ways [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/xEVlLiNjDH)  **Nov 7, 2023** Hello all, as the title states this is an update to my previous post about me (21, f) missing my brother's (28, m) wedding because of his extremist beliefs. I want to say thank you for all that offered advice and your personal stories about family members with dangerous morals. While it's saddening that many people have to go through with going LC or NC with those family members, it's also a relief to know that others have gone through this and came out in the end as happier and healthier! Okay so, with the actual update: many people said that it would be best if  I inform the fiancée of my brothers views, as to my knowledge she did not know of them up to this point -- and at least to tell her why I will not be attending as I'm sure she has heard multiple different versions as to why the evil SIL won't be attending her wedding, and I wanted to make sure she knew that it has nothing to do with her. I also thought it would be hypocritical of me to be upset with his views and not tell the incoming women of color in his life of how he thinks and believes. I ended up calling her, and first apologizing for creating this big "thing" I inadvertently created. I explained that I knew her wedding should be about her, and it would be in everyone's interest if I didn't attend. I then went on to explain that while to my knowledge my brother has not believed in these theories and views, but now he does with great confidence. She began to say that she knew that he held more right-winged views in terms of social issues but he never brought it up much around her. I told her the disgusting things that he said, specifically highlighting that he thinks that women are genetically inferior to men, specifically WOC, and how that may negatively affect her marriage as she is a Doctor and my brother barely made it through high school and I worry that he may get an even worse inferiority complex and emotionally harm her in that process. She took a very long pause until she explained that while she knew that he had held more right-winged views about social issues, she also had no clue that he held these beliefs as "he never brought politics into the conversation." I started to apologize immediately, and said "I don't what this personally means to you and your marriage and I don't want to cause harm, but I just wanted you to be aware from one girl to another." Now, I thought this conversation could go a million different directions, and it went about in the most mundane way it could. Now for clarification, this fiancée is an incredibly kind individual, however from what I have heard she is very naive and is from that more red state that my brother moved to, and she also comes from a very strict family and lived with them until she moved in with my brother. This is not to say that that is wrong, (hey whatever to save money in this economy!) but I do not think my brother is the type of "first-boyfriend-into-husband-in-one-year-material". With this in mind, she explained that she understands that I am not going as she would feel uncomfortable in that situation too, and appreciates that I told her myself. She said that she is going to talk to my brother to figure out if these beliefs run as deep as he claims. She didn't seem happy, but she didn't seem mad either? I think this may be due to her background, but I'm also confused because she is a doctor? I asked if she kept this conversation between us as I don't want to have to have to deal with this drama as it has been pretty emotionally tolling, lol. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that her conversation with my brother had my name mentioned because since then he has sent me at least a dozen clips of men speaking into microphones and yapping about things I could give two shits about. But there is a good side to this coin as I ended up telling my older sister about the phone call and she actually apologized to me for not speaking up sooner as she has standard morals and ethics too. And because she has a whole ass family she's thinking about not going to the wedding for the same reasons as me: too much money and a crazy brother. I insisted that she should go for the sole reason of meeting this fiancée and seeing what her exact deal is, good or bad! But my sister thinks that my brother either lied about his views and since she is a little naïve she took his word as gospel, or she just doesn't care! Anyway, thanks for reading this very long update! In retrospect, this could've been shorter, as the result of all of this was rather boring but I'm procrastinating writing an actual essay so here we are! Thanks, guys:) **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **lapsteelguitar** >Your fSIL will now be going into her marriage with her eyes open, and that is a good thing. She won't be able to say that nobody told her. **OOP replied** >>that’s the goal! i wasn’t trying to stir up the dust, but wanted to make her aware of who she was marrying **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for skipping out on my insanely right winged brother wedding?

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17uuuyr/aita_for_skipping_out_on_my_insanely_right_winged/

17uwgg8

Fun Fact To Cover Spoilers: German Chocolate Cake is called that because it is named after a man named Samuel German, not because the cake is German. Content Warning: >!Substance Abuse Mention, Negligent Parenting, Homophobia, Controlling Parenting!< Mood Spoilers: >!Upsetting but hopeful for OOP!< *I am not the OOP. That would be* u/Ganmedddie *who posted this on* r/AmItheAsshole \- [**AITA for telling my dad that if his wife censors what I read I won't visit him anymore?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/179kxtd/aita_for_telling_my_dad_that_if_his_wife_censors/) **Posted October 16th, 2023** My(16m) dad(40)'s parental rights were terminated due to abandonment. Didn't pay child support and didn't contact me for over a year, telling us he didn't want me to see him at his worst(alcoholism). He said he's started going to start trying now though. Already started going to alcohol rehab, so my mom started taking me to visit him during the weekends. At first it was going fine. A little bit awkward getting to know each other again. Then my dad's new wife and I had an argument. On that day mom had decided that I should spend the night at dad's place. I brought a book with me. My dad's wife(28) saw it and told me I should not read that book since the protagonist is bisexual and it pushes LGBT stuff(if it's relevant it's book 2 of The Trials of Apollo series). I told her she can't dictate what I read since I'm not a kid and she's not my mom, and dad quickly jumped to her defense. He said she is still his wife, telling me I shouldn't be rude to her in her home. So I told him 'Fine. I'm not staying then.' And I left and went home. Mom said I don't have to go back there if I don't want to so I told my dad when he called later on that if he doesn't talk to his wife and tell her she can't censor what I read, I won't be returning. He said what I said was threatening him. (edited) \- **Relevant Comments** >ESH. Your dad and stepmother should respect what you want to read. But...at 16, you ARE still a minor. You are not an adult yet. (obviously, I'm assuming you're in the US at this point.) It's their house and their rules. They'll either come around to what you and your mother will tolerate on visiting or they won't. OOP: If she said I shouldn't read it at her house then I would have just left without a word but she said I shouldn't read it, which just struck me as her trying to control my action in general and not just at their house. But yeah, I just decided that I'm never visiting again. \- *In response to a now deleted comment* OOP: 1. To begin, I didn't know his wife's viewpoints before the visit. 1. It would be one thing if she said I can't have the book in her house but if you read the entire post she also extended that FURTHER than that. She wanted to assume a parental role over me and dictate what I can not read even when I am not at their house. In other words, to assume complete control. 2. Yes, it is their home but he doesn't have the right to expect me to go back there again. I also have the right to choose not to go there anymore, which I am exercising since she thinks she is a parental figure. *-* **Update (Posted On Same Post)** Just talked to my dad. He said that his wife was only trying to do what she thought was best for me, and that the only issue is that what she thought is best is different from what I thought is best. My dad said I should take that into consideration and also humour her by 'giving up those books' since she would become a new parental figure for me if I keep up the visits. I asked if he expects me to do what she wants, including when I'm not at their house, and he sheepishly said yes. So I told him that I won't be visiting again. That way I won't have to deal with her. ETA : Just to make it more clear, they don’t intend for it to be a rule at their house. They wanted me to not read the books even when I’m not at their place. \- *OOP is voted NTA by a majority though there are a few ESH.* \- [**AITA for saying that I will never, ever babysit my half-sibling?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17ppg52/aita_for_saying_that_i_will_never_ever_babysit_my/) **(Posted November 7th, 2023)** I(16m) live with my mom. My dad lost his parental rights due to abandonment(no contact over a year and no child support). He contacted us after getting sober and things seemed to be going well, but then his new wife tried to prohibit me from reading YA books featuring LGBT characters. That was when I decided to not visit their house again so I don't have to follow their rules. This morning I found out that my dad's new wife got pregnant. They asked me to meet them at a cafe and I decided to go, just to hear what they have to say. It's been 20 days since I last saw my dad. They asked if I would consider helping babysit the kid after he is born. They are thinking of having me over for three hours each day when the baby is born, so that they can have their time outside by themselves. When I asked my dad's wife if she would still try to control what I read, she said yes, and that she doesn't want me bringing certain books to their home. I told them that I won't do it then since they expect me to just sit there doing nothing for 3 hours except watching the kid. Won't even allow me to use TV since she doesn't want anyone else touching their remote. My grandparents said I should be a bit willing to consider the idea since the kid's my half-sibling. \- **Relevant Comments** >NTA > >I-N-F-O are they offering to pay you and is that a decent amount? > >If not, why did they think you would be interested by their offer..? > >Some people are so entitled… OOP: They thought I'd be overjoyed at having a little sibling. No offer to pay me anything. \- >Lol NTA, overcontrolling new wife doesn't let you read Rick Ryordan but expects you to babysit 3 h a day for free??? Thats just insulting OOP: She actually used to really like his books before Nico came out in House of Hades. She gave Hidden Oracle a try but that was the last one she read. Now she thinks he's an ‘evil Dem pushing an agenda. \- >I am -ISH on this one. > >Let me ask a question, (I know this is kinda apples and Oranges, but the same thought applies)...if your Mom banned porn in her house, you wouldn't openly watch it, correct? If your Mom gave you a curfew, you would respect her, correct? > >Just because YOU like LGBT Romance, doesn't mean everyone does. I would ask your Stepmother if it's the ROMANCE part of the book or the LGBT part that she doesn't want you reading. When I was 16 I was HEAVY into the Romance Genre. My Mom and Dad both made it a rule that "those books will never come into our home!" So...I fixed that, I just snuck them into my backpack and read them on the bus or late at night when everyone was asleep. I don't know if they ever really knew, but, I still read them. I just hid it from them. Out of sight, out of mind type thing. > >If your Step Mom has an issue with LGBT, then you and she need to discuss it, and YOUR sexuality. They need to understand that this is part of who you are. If they have a problem with THAT then you have your answer. But if they don't want Romance Novels in general in their house, you have to respect THEIR rules. It is THEIR house. > >BTW...I wouldn't babysit my younger half-sibling unless there was pay. Not for 3 hours a day so they can "go outside". They can do that while the baby is asleep. They are limiting you on what YOU can do outside of school and I would have a BIGGER problem with that then the books. OOP: I know it is their house and their rules, which is why I chose not to go there anymore, because they are not worth it. *OOP is once again found NTA by the majority but there are a few ESH comments.* \- **UPDATE (Posted On Same Post)** I told it to him straight. I told him he's crazy if he thinks that as a 16 years old I'll take responsibility for an infant three hours a day. Not to mention zero pay and having his wife censor my reading materials. Then I told him I hope he's a better dad to this kid than he ever was to me, before blocking him. \-

AITA for telling my dad that if his wife censors what I read I won't visit him anymore?

ONGOING

boru_posts

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17uwgg8/aita_for_telling_my_dad_that_if_his_wife_censors/

17vk7u2

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/searching\_for\_story](https://www.reddit.com/user/searching_for_story/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole **Trigger Warning:** >!severe injury due to a drunk driver!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!communication wins! But also don't fucking drive drunk!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17lgcex/aita_for_telling_my_brother_that_not_everything/)**: November 1, 2023** I (17 F) am so over my brother's (18 m) attitude. My brother was born with a chronic condition where he has to use forearm crutches. He can sometimes get around without them, but he needs them whenever he goes out. When we moved to our home, he got the bedroom on the main floor and I took the upstairs one, because stairs were way easier for me. A few months ago, I was hit by a drunk driver while driving home from an event. The accident was pretty bad, but thankfully, everyone lived. I was very injured in the accident, and am now wheelchair bound for the foreseeable future. Doctors are hopeful I'll regain full control over my legs, but it's too early to really know. Because of this, my parents told my brother that he would have to take the upstairs room, because I literally cannot get up there without my dad carrying me/literally crawling. He was not thrilled with this, and flipped out, yelling about how it was too hard for him to use the stairs every day. I'm sympathetic to his struggles, but we only have the two bedrooms for us, and i quite literally cannot use the stairs. My mom offered that we could share a room, but his room is already tiny, and will be a tight fit for me and him, two beds, and my wheelchair, and he also hated the idea. This morning he was complaining about how awful it was that my parents were making their disabled child go up a full flight of stairs every morning and night, and I snapped at him, telling him that not everything is about him and his disability. He seemed quiet and mad for the rest of the day. I did apologize for being kind of harsh, but he just walked off. My parents are looking into getting some type of chair lift for the stairs, but they're really expensive, so it will be a while before we can get one. AITA? ***Relevant Comments:*** *You didn't mention if your dad would help your brother up the stairs:* "that's my bad. my parents are super willing to help my brother upstairs on his bad days, but it's still overall inconvenient for either of us to be upstairs." *Is there only one room downstairs that can act as a bedroom?* "there's my parents bedroom, but the room upstairs can't fit a double bed for them, and my brother doesn't really want to share a room with my parents" "theres a living room, but it's open, with no door. maybe we could install a curtain or something though, and I could go in there" ***The post is voted NAH*** **Update: November 3, 2023 (Same Post, 2 days later)** I talked with my parents and brother, and I think we're going to be okay. We're now planning on renovating our living room into a bedroom (adding a door and stuff). For now, we're putting up a curtain, and I'll be staying in there, so my brother can have his old room back. (the curtain is a super temporary solution, and im fine with it as long as its temporary.) I talked some with my brother about how we've been feeling. He has been stressed that now that I also need help, maybe his needs wont get met. And I felt like he wasn't being understanding of the huge change I'm going through right now. I was hoping my brother and I could get closer through this hard time, and bond over our shared struggles. I wasn't feeling supported by him, and lashed out, which wasn't fair to him. We brought these concerns to my parents, and they talked with my brother. They promised him that he can always tell them if he feels his needs aren't being met. My parents don't want him to feel like a secondary priority. Things are good between my brother and I now. He gets why I lashed out, and I apologized to him. I think we're going to be okay.

AITA for telling my brother that not everything is about his disability?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vk7u2/aita_for_telling_my_brother_that_not_everything/

17vm55v

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/No_Credit3646 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **MIL 63 F said my 38F son 3m is fat so take pictures of him from far away** **Editor’s Note: For 3m in the title - OOP is referring to her 3-month-old son** Trigger Warnings: >!body shaming, controlling behavior, emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, religious abuse, verbal abuse, someone recommends child neglect!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17eyuou/mil_63_f_said_my_38f_son_3m_is_fat_so_take/?share_id=Bhz-E5vuisj_3-Sb3ok2f&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **October 23, 2023** Background: MIL F63, has a recurring problem with respecting boundaries and being appropriate. There is just too much to mention here so I 38F will give 2 examples. Her other son and DIL don’t speak to her and uninvited her to their wedding after she kept insisting that a family member be invited. Because they already had a rocky relationship that was the last straw. Last time we visited home (far away by plane ride) during the holidays I had to spend the week visiting my family by myself without my then fiancé (now husband of 5 years) because she could not accept we would divide the time between families (which are on two separate regions of the island). We had to each go our way because she just wouldn’t stop arguing about it. I have never returned in holiday season again since because of this. When we got married we asked her to arrive a certain date as we were still getting ready and I was taking teacher licensure tests up until 2 days before the wedding. She did not understand, arrived early and I had to focus on their arrival instead of my test (I passed but I was stressed) Our baby was just born he is 14 weeks now. She was upset that she couldn’t stay here and that I wanted my mom instead. She is very vocal about other people’s bodies and has always been mean to me so I did not want her near me. I needed kindness to surround me. She told me I looked like a junkie a few weeks after I gave birth (c section lost a lot of blood was very anemic) and made comments about me no longer having a belly (from pregnancy) and what if I did? Who is keeping score and why is that your problem? My husband 36M told her to stop making comments about other people’s bodies and appeareance a few weeks ago and she was offended saying everything she says is ill taken. They were coming for thanksgiving to spend a week and meet their grandson and I’ve been dreading it because things are so tense. Yesterday she was inquiring what we feed oir baby saying we should give him water and juice. We’ve told her before you have to wait until they are older for that. She finally got to the point saying he was fat. Our baby is big meaning he is also tall so he is actually doing great, thriving, doctors say every time he is perfect and have no concerns about his weight. She kept insisting in saying fat even though my husband kept telling her to stop to keep it to herself saying that our son is proportional to his weight and looks great and is healthy. She continued and then said to then take pictures of him from far away so he wouldn’t look so fat. My husband hung up the phone on her and later texted telling them not to come for thanksgiving. When I learned what she said, I sobbed. Who speaks like this about a baby? What is there to hide by taking a photo from far away? He is a gorgeous baby, happy and healthy? Even if he was overweight that is not her problem or something to hide. What kind of sick mind would say something like this? Am Has anyone experienced anything like this and can give advice? Plot twist: she is overweight but no one brings this up because that is her body and her problem but I don’t get where these standards are coming from, he is an infant! I’m so enraged! I I’m sad for my husband, he doesn’t deserve this. Don’t mess with my son. That’s the line and she crossed it. We walked through hell to have our son through IVF. Her other son doesn’t speak to her and doesn’t want children, we’re likely to not be able to have another. So this was it for her, her only grandson and she behaves like this? **AITAH has no consensus bot, based on the comments, OOP was NTA** &nbsp; [I finally spoke up and now inlaws say I broke the family](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17queet/i_finally_spoke_up_and_now_inlaws_say_i_broke_the/?share_id=ybLBydBWCxPr6kTCS9lFR&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 8, 2023** I don’t know where to begin because there is so much and it’s just so overwhelming so I’ll begin with some background. Long post ahead. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. 3 as boyfriend/fiancee and 5 married. I have always felt very undervalued and disrespected by my husband’s family and until recently when we had a baby, I have put up with it. To set the scene of what I’ve endured for 8 years, I will give some examples because there is too much to talk about really. My MIL has a recurring problem respecting boundaries. The first holiday season we spent together I spent thanksgiving and christmas with them, hoping she would be ok with my then boyfriend spending new years and 3 kings day with me and my family. I went all out, I bought gifts, matching pjs for the whole family, brought a griddle and ingredients to make pancakes for the whole familiy, brought instruments with us to sing and play (we are musicians), etc. After all of that she turned right around and said to my now husband, you’re dropping her off and coming right back for new year’s right? No concern for me, my family or if he wanted to also see my family. My husband said in front of her that he would come back. I left crying thinking he had lied to me because he had told me he would spend time with me instead. He told me later that is what he always does with her so he doesn’t have to be in a conflict with her. I realize now what a major red flag this was. This concept was so foreign to me. They have 3 children all male. My husband who is the eldest, the second who has non verbal down syndrome and the third who does not speak to them already. About a year ago he went NC with them because they already had a very rocky relationship and she kept insisting that they invite MIL’s sister (his aunt) to the wedding and he did not want to. She did not respect his wishes and their son and his now wife don’t speak to them. FIL had a violent outburst and went to speak to him in the house he lived in (a family property belonging to my husband’s deceased grandmother and now his dad) and threw him out of the house. In all honesty he was ready to go already but it made it a lot worse. He never apologized, they don’t speak to this day. On the first christmas we traveled back (Puerto Rico) to see them after moving stateside for work and school (master’s degree) she could not accept that we were going to divide our time between families. To make her happy my then fiance decided to stay with them and I stay with my family. I had to rent a car right after hurricane Maria when streets were very unsafe without traffic lights and no police presence. They showed no concern for my safety. We almost broke up after that and my husband recently accepted that he did the wrong thing. We should have stayed together. I havent’ returned since in the holiday season to avoid issues. For our wedding that same year we asked them to arrive on a certain date and they chose to arrive days earlier expecting to spend time with us. I was taking teacher licensure tests up until 2 days before the wedding so I could get a job. I still passed but it made me so stressed. We just had a baby. I had an urgent c section due to pre eclampsia and lost a lot of blood, I became severely anemic and had o have a blood transfusion. They were upset that I only wanted my mom at this vulnerable time where I would be so sensitive and with body parts hanging out. She often makes comments about other people’s bodies so I needed kindness and no judgment around me as my body healed. We also made it very clear that traveling via plane while the baby was so young was not good for him as it could make him sick if they brought something illness with them from the airport. She is so inappropriate so often that it’s hard to keep count but about 7 weeks postpartum she said I looked like a junkie. My mom heard it and cried, I cried. My husband didn’t catch it. I told him later and he brought it up to her. She first denied it, then admitted it and then never apologized. Her shield excuse for everything is it wasn’t my intention. (More on that later) I should have demanded an apology and I did not. Because my husband always said she didn’t know or cared and that askign for her to change was pointless. In retrospect I should have demanded a consequence regardless. Be better or be out of our lives, for example. He had a whole conversation with her about not talking about other people’s bodies when the junkie thing happened and fast forward a few weeks later she was on the phone with my husband (they never contact me directly I am always an appendix of my husband unlike my family who always reaches out to him directly and make him feel valued and appreciated in every single way and despite the fact that I write to them often and send them pictures of the baby etc) when yet another issue came up. At this point of the timeline baby is 14 weeks, he is currently 16. She was inquiring about what we feed the baby saying we should feed him water and juice, husband kept pushing back saying it’s too early for that. She finally got the point and said our baby was fat. My husband told her to stop, and she insisted, then she threw in a despicable jab and said we should take pictures of the baby from far away so he looks thinner. This thought is so sick, demented and abhorrent that I have no words to even deconstruct it. Are you ashamed of your grandchild because of his weight? By the way our son is in the 97th percentile and is very tall, he is a big baby. Doctors have never expressed a concern and he is happy and healthy. I sobbed when I heard this and for the first time my husband put a consequence. My husband hung up the phone and uninvited them via text to thanksgiving. They didn’t even read his text and we found out later that they were still planning to come. A few days ago my husband wrote explaining one more time why her comment was so wrong and saying we needed space and that they shouldn’t come for now. She responded saying she was sorry (for the first time in her life according to my husband). She did not apologize to me. She asked him to call her so he called her the next day (last Sunday). I was finally given the phone to talk and I spoke my mind and told them with examples of moments I have felt disrespected through boundaries and other things. I had a tone. After all of this I had a tone. I was not yelling but I wasn’t calm and quiet either. My tone had character. I never used swear words, personal attacks or the like, I stuck to describing situations where I’ve felt undervalued. They proceeded to say that they were coming to hug and kiss the baby. I interrupted with the highest tone I had int he entire conversation and said with authority: No one is kissing the baby because his health comes above all else and on that I will be very firm. PART 2 CONTINUES IN COMMENT BELOW! &nbsp; [Part #2 in the comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17queet/comment/k8eja8e/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - **November 8, 2023** PART 2: They went quiet. I continued talking about other situations that have happened such as the fact that we asked them to arrive Sunday so we had time to prepare the house after the work week and they decided to arrive Saturday instead in the middle of the night and how that was not ok when you’re being hosted by people who have such a young baby and who were not going to get any sleep due to your arrival time. They argued back and did not understand. Later the conversation ended. A few hours later his dad wrote this message(translation): Unfortunately your wife won. She just separated us. She said in front of you that she wasn’t going to allow us to touch or kiss the baby. Then why the fuck are we going? That is disrespectful to me as a person and as a grandparent. IN my 61 years of life I have never been so humiliated as your woman just did and even worse without you defending me. As you say, she is now the one who cut her own legs off with us, to make me responsible for something that happens to the baby? That’s the stuff of crazies. She demonstrated the kind of person she is. She succeeded in separating us. I am very sorry for your situation. Even then I wish you happiness. You did not accept your mother’s apology. You demonstrate such rancor against your mom. We have been with you your whole life and this is how you pay us? Your mom has pleased you in everything. You have destroyed us. It was a miserable act by your wife. But there isn’t a worse blind than the one who doesnt’ want to see. You even forgot your brother and God after we raised you in a christian home.” They know my husband is an atheist and they have never respected that despite him asking them. That’s a different topic anyways. The next day on Monday his mom called him during the day which is rare. He called back and his mom told my husband that FIL (his dad) had collapsed yesterday holding his chest having a panic attack and saying he wanted to take his own life. My husband listened as she said bad things about me that I had been aggressive, that they were scared of me with my tone of voice, that I had been cruel. I told my husband I reject categorically and with my whole being that I would be responsible for his suicide, that this is actually extremely dangerous because he would internalize it was my fault if it happened and never forgive me. It would be the end of our marriage. I believe every person is responsible for their own physical and mental health. I think it is psychological abuse to threaten suicide for any reason to get your way. My husband affirms his dad didn’t do it fo that purpose and that he is not dangerous but I told him that his mom calling him to tell him about is is indeed a manipulations to get him to soften up with them. And it worked. My husband sent a message yesterday (Tuesday) saying he was sorry for everything and that he loved them). I didn’t know he had sent that message and I showed him a message I had also sent them yesterday saying the following (translation): I apologize for raising my tone of voice. I have spent 8 years feeling very undervalued with the treatment I have received and my emotions did not allow me to keep a low tone of voice. Only me and my husband have kissed the baby to protect him from illness which is why I expressed that he should not be kissed because his health is above all else. If you want to come to meet him you can. Though it’s your choice I recommend you don’t block my number in case of an emergency with (my husband their son) I imagine you’d want to know. As I said to (my husband) yesterday, I am willing to go to family counseling. I think they can meet with us via zoom and we may heal our differences there, Thank you, (my name). They proceeded to block me on all social media and whatsapp (don’t know about text message). Now I’m thinking these people are not actually fit to be grandparents and that they are plain dangerous and hateful. They are not related to my son by blood as we had to use IVF donor due to husband’s health (they know all about it no surprises there) My husband cannot reproduce, neither can his brother due to similar problems and the other son has non verbal Down syndrome so this was their only shot to grandparenthood. Either blood or heart binds family, or both. If they don’t share blood with him nor heart as they don’t have his wellbeing in mind then who are you to him? I remain said for my son, and for my husband and myself too. I tried to act as best I could knowing I would answer to my son one day. But she even said she was no longer sending our gifts and the baby’s for christmas, they blocked me. I have had very difficult convesations with husband about his part in all of this and he is beginning to understand and has apologized. He understand it’s not ok for him to be taking phone calls where I am being bashed and he promised to stop it when it happens. I have asked him to stop comments such as well now we can’t see our grand child because of your wife etc. Because that’s not what happened here. Please help me put this situation in context. What are your thoughts? Writing this has been therapeutic and I appreciate your thoughts and support. Thank you for reading. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

MIL 63 F said my 38F son 3m is fat so take pictures of him from far away

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vm55v/mil_63_f_said_my_38f_son_3m_is_fat_so_take/

17vm5hn

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/kittycatkylala77 **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **I feel like a villain for having to make the difficult decision of rehoming my family’s dog. I feel like an awful person.** Trigger Warnings: >!death of a grandparent, emotional distress and PTSD, dementia, animal neglect, mentions of pet death!< Mood Spoilers: >!Bittersweet!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17mdra9/i_feel_like_a_villain_for_having_to_make_the/) - **November 2, 2023** I don’t know where to start or know what exactly I’m here for but I just need to vent and reassurance I’m doing the right thing. I need to go into background before talking about my current situation. Since 16 (28 now) I’ve lived with my grandparents and dad. I had one of my dog’s named Bella since 14 and at 17 my dad’s then girlfriend, now ex, got Toby (Yorkie mix) as a puppy. Toby bonded with my dad rather than his ex so when they broke up he lived with us and my grandparents. Roughly 6 years ago my dad got into a relationship with his current wife. They moved into their own place but she hates dogs so Toby was left with me and my grandparents. All was well up until 2 years ago, my grandmother unexpectedly passed away due to natural causes. Very long story short but basically I’ve been experiencing symptoms related to PTSD (never diagnosed but also never talked about it to a medical professional) regarding her death, living in that house where it all happened, and constantly feeling on edge in general, and constantly feeling of doom whenever walking into the house because i was terrified of going through everything that happened to my grandma but with my grandpa. I was basically living in a constant state of dread both in the house and out of the house. I desperately needed out but didn’t have the money to afford my own place. I needed out for my sake of my own mental and physical health. I took an opportunity at my job to temporarily live in Japan for half a year. During my stay outside of the US my dog Bella passed away. That left just Toby and my grandfather in the house while I was gone. That’s enough back story to get to the current situation. My grandfather’s health has been questionable for years now but lately he seems to be more forgetful. I’ve vocalized my concerns to my dad and uncle (his brother) regarding his forgetfulness. I’m concerned about potential signs of dementia but everyone is passing it off as him just being old (mid 70s) and being an alcoholic for all his life. I understand those two things do play into him being forgetful. I moved in with my boyfriend and unfortunately couldn’t take Toby with me. My dad won’t take him in because of his wife. My uncle already has two large dogs that are too rough with Toby. My boyfriend is allergic to pet dander to the point where it triggers asthma attacks and I’ve also seen him develop hives when he pets cats. Besides we both work for the government and one of those perks is having opportunities of temporary duty as a civilian that includes places within the states, which last trip I did bring Bella and Toby with, but also includes outside of the states. Japan being a trip that happens annually, I can be gone from 1-6 months at a time. Realistically I’ll be in the same situation where I won’t be able to find him a home to stay while I’m gone. I also work a ton of overtime while home. I hate to admit it but I’m well aware I can’t give Toby the life he deserves even if he could live with me. Two Sundays ago, my grandfather took Toby out to a park without a leash, collar, or harness and let him free roam. According to my grandfather he literally forgot why he was at the park including Toby being there with him and drove home. Said it took him a few hours to notice Toby was missing but didn’t whatever reason tell my dad until the following Monday. I wasn’t aware of anything until my dad called me asking if I could pick him up from the family that found him Sunday. Thankfully the family that found him immediately fell in love with Toby and he got along great with their dog and young daughter. According to them he made himself at home and fit into the family as if he was there for years. After talking to them about the situation both the husband and wife said they would love him if we ever decide to rehome him. Toby is a naturally skiddish dog so this still amazes me. As much as I love my grandfather and recognize having a companion is good for him reality is I cannot allow Toby’s safety to be jeopardized like that again. He already doesn’t notice when the dogs get out while he smoking on the deck and roam around the neighborhood as they pleased. For years it’s been a constant fight with my grandfather about that. I even purchased multiple baby gates to put on the deck to prevent the dogs from getting into the front yard. I was the only person to use them and everyone else would take them down without days of me putting them up. It’s a miracle both Toby and Bella weren’t hit by a car or attacked by another dog or wild animal. It’s a constant battle that I never own because no one would take me concerns seriously. This incident was my tip of the iceberg event for me to make this extremely difficult decision. I love Toby and never once imagined I’d be in this situation with him or any animal I’ve ever owned. My dad is upset with me. I’m upset with him for basically throwing this dog onto me because his wife. I’m beyond upset with myself because it feels like I abandoned him too. My grandfather is understandably angry with me. My uncle agrees with me and is on my side. He blames my dad for this since he originally had the dog but just left him with me and expected me to take care of him. My uncle has offered to let his dogs stay over more often so my grandpa can have pet companions. I recognize both my dad and I truly failed Toby. We as a family failed my grandpa as well. All I want is for Toby to get the love, attention, and home he deserves. I’ve been in contact with this family since and I have the warm and fuzzy feeling they’ll provide him the home he deserves. I just keep going through the emotions of grief and anger. My coworkers and friends have all said this is the right decision and logically I know it is. But I also can’t shake off the feeling of pain and keep allowing my emotions to get ahold of me. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17qvcdq/update_i_feel_like_a_villain_for_making_the/) - **November 8, 2023** Hello this is an update to a post I made here 5 days ago regarding having to rehome my family’s dog (Toby) after an incident with my grandfather that jeopardized Toby’s safety. First I wanted to say thank you to everyone who did read and commented on my last post. I know I didn’t reply to anyone except one extremely negative comment someone left. Admittedly I responded while in an extremely emotional state to their comment. My response did have a lot more context I originally left out of my post to why I moved out and cannot live in that house for my own sanity. Outside of this comment please know I read everyone’s comments and genuinely appreciate everyone taking time out of their day to respond. I’m so sorry I didn’t reply to everyone. I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything and honestly could barely function from feelings of grief, guilt, and resentment over the entire situation. Last weekend on Saturday Toby went to his new family. They’re a family consisting of a wife, husband, their adult daughter, and another small dog Toby’s size. They were all honestly so sweet and understanding during this process. The wife was who I’ve been talking with since they found him the day my grandpa forgot him at the park. She kept reassuring me how she understands how difficult it is to make the decision to rehome since they have had to 10+ years ago. She’s also made sure to keep him going to the same vet and groomers so adjusting will be easier for Toby. She had no issues with me making a gift basket for Toby and their dog to share. She has also expressed how their family does believe in open adoptions so if we ever want to see him again to feel free to message her. If I eventually do this of course it wouldn’t be until Toby is completely settled and thriving in his new family. I’m too scared of potentially negatively affecting him and setting back his progress if we do decide to see him again. Yesterday she messaged me with an update on how he’s doing along with photos and videos. I can 10000000% confidently say this was the best decision for him. It’s bittersweet and I’m still dealing with grief and anger with myself for no longer being able to give him the life he deserves. She said there are moments where he does seem sad but is adjusting better than she had thought he would since it’s been less than a week. Their dog, Bella, is keeping him busy with constant play or snuggling napping next to each other. She sent videos of the two of them playing together with the toys I purchased and sleeping together on her lap. He already feels comfortable enough to sleep cuddled up to everyone with his belly exposed. I’m honestly in awe at this progress. I think we all genuinely thought he’d be scared for awhile. I cannot being to express with how grateful I am for their family. They’re all truly wonderful people and I’m so happy they can give him the love and attention he deserves. I’m still heartbroken over needing to do this and honestly this entire event really threw back into grief not just over Toby but for my Bella that passed away back in January and honestly the life I had before my grandmother passed away. It’s going to take a lot of time to feel whole again but hopefully someday I will. This has also brought up a lot of resentment I thought I had buried towards my dad. He should have never put me in this position. Also I know I wrote my last post while in an emotional state, I tried not to make it seem as if I was angry or upset with my grandfather but I’m not great at articulating my thoughts. I just want to clarify: I absolutely do not blame my grandfather over this and I’m not angry at him. I am fully aware as a family unit we failed both my grandfather and Toby. I’ve expressed my concerns regarding my grandfather’s forgetfulness seeming to be once more and more common but it still seems to be falling on deaf ears. I don’t know what else to do or say for my dad to take my concerns serious and not dismiss the forgetfulness as old age. Anyways that’s all I have for an update. Thank you to anyone who takes time out of the day to read this. &nbsp; **Relevant Comment** **glassgypsy:** Thank you for your update. You did a truly selfless thing for Toby. I’m so happy he is settling in well in his new home. The family sounds so wonderful, I love that they are keeping you updated and sending pictures. Look at those pictures/videos when you feel guilty, and tell yourself you did the best thing for Toby. Please find a therapist to help you process all of the major life events and the feelings you have towards your father. Burying those feelings again might work in the short term, but in the long run…take it from a person who is an expert at Repressing All Feelings, those feelings will continue to resurface until you deal with them. I read this quote somewhere, re: therapy: >>You take whatever is broken apart and you put it back together piece by piece. That way you can be sure you found the source of the problem Sending you a big hug. >**OP:** Their family truly is wonderful plus I believe Toby needs to have another doggy friend after my other dog passed away. Up until January he’s always had my other dog so seeing him full in energy playing their dog brought me to tears. I often forget dog’s grieve just as much maybe even more than we do. Even if I was in a position where I could take care of Toby I’m not ready to get another dog for him to have company again. > >Thank you so much for your kind words. I still feel emotionally fragile over..everything so your comment and quote made my day. I agree I do I need to seek therapy. I’ve been so scared to finally go to therapy because of the Pandora’s box I know it’ll open in me. I have so many issues with both my parents. I’ve finally got the courage to put my mom is very low contact and was honestly waiting until my grandfather passes away to completely cut my dad off. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

I feel like a villain for having to make the difficult decision of rehoming my family’s dog. I feel like an awful person.

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vm5hn/i_feel_like_a_villain_for_having_to_make_the/

17vm661

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/disableddoll **Please help- my roommate doesn’t use toilet paper** **Originally posted to** r/badroommates **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Discussion of feces matter!< **MOOD SPOILER:** >!Gross descriptions!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/s/ca5yQSQ1O8)  **Nov 4, 2023** First, we have two full separate bathrooms. Mine is in my room and my roommates is in the hallway, it also has the laundry machines. Neither bathroom or toilet has a bidet. Separate showers. My partner and I took on a roommate several months ago to help with bills and I don’t think I can live with him anymore. I have always bought and stocked all the toilet paper in the house and I started noticing that he just doesn’t use it. When I go to restock his, the same amount of rolls are always there. Then I check the roll by the toilet and realize I’m the only one who has used it. Barely any was missing from the roll and it has only been replaced once since he moved in. I do most of the house cleaning so I pay attention to things that aren’t clean and I noticed stains that appeared on only his doors. Yellowish brown to black spots surrounding the handle and the bottom half of only his bedroom door and bathroom door. Nowhere else in the apartment really has these marks besides a few spots on the hall closet doors. So, after realized the toilet paper mystery, I feel extremely disgusted living with him. Not to mention he wears his shoes in the house (I clean twice a week) and his bedroom and bathroom stink. Worse, he leaves the washing machine open and the bathroom odors get trapped in the machine filters. My clothes come out smelling like shit. This is truly my nightmare scenario. I recently had finally received an opportunity to move out of an abusive home which was filthy. It made everyone sick and smelled like a dumpster. I don’t know if I can take this anymore, the smell of his room is so potent it clouds the hallway. I’ve tried talking to him about this stuff but It’s like he doesn’t believe me? Maybe he’s just stubborn but he will literally argue with me over it. He wore his shoes in from the rain over the floors I had just mopped and he said his shoes weren’t dirty because it’s raining. I don’t know what to do. My partner hates conflict and they were friends for a long time. He also moved several states to live with us and doesn’t know anyone here, so we both feel awful about potentially finding a new roommate. Not to mention trying to find one who is respectful. Is there a reasonable explanation for this? Could he only poop at work even if he’s off 2 days? Then how would the odors get in his bathroom in the first place? I really need advice. And maybe a neuralyzer… Edit: Thank you to everyone who has given genuine advice. I am aware that we are “door mats” , that’s just what happens when you are abused by self-centered people for 20+ years. You receive brain damage, the symptoms of cPTSD and autism are so similar it’s crazy. You’re always in sensory overload and you become hyper-vigilant to other people’s emotions. You forget that the world can be kind and understanding. You come across as a naive people pleaser because it is the only way you’ve survived this far. I really appreciate everyone’s advice even if you were harsh, it’s gives me more confidence to stand up for myself. Hopefully I will update after the situation is resolved. (I can’t sleep at all thinking about all of this. My partner is suffering nightmares of roommate’s reaction. Healing is a rather difficult process, but I am determined.) [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/s/JzWGl7pqJl)  **Nov 8, 2023** All I can say is wow. I read every comment and presented the post to my partner, and unfortunately, he spiraled. I understand he needs to have my back on this and he does, he just has his own personal things in the way. He doesn’t have a lot of practice with healthy conflict, but he’s getting the treatment and coping mechanisms he needs now. Before you start, yes. I paused the situation and took care of my partner. We’ve both had struggles that affect the other, but we come to understand each other and learn from it. Relationships are a process, there’s no finite definition of your partner. We made a promise to take care of each other when we got married, the rest of the world comes second. I didn’t waste any time, however. I was honestly starting to feel crazy myself because this situation is just SO bizarre, so we set some traps. First I cleaned out the washing machine- masks, gloves, bleach, hell if i had full PPE i would wear it all day. Then roommate used it the next day. Again, it smelled like feces and the filter was clogged with nastiness. Partner marked roommate’s TP roll to be sure he wasn’t using a single square. It hasn’t been touched after 3 days. I spent every day airing out the house and when he would come home or open his bedroom door, moldy, wet diaper smell clouded the house again. I asked him, again, to remove his shoes in the house. He did at the moment, then sent me passive aggressive texts about it and went back to ignoring the simple wish. Today was the first day he’s been off, so when he came in the house, partner told RM we need to talk, then let me take the lead. I said “we’ve noticed some disturbing things and do not want to live together anymore. You are putting our health, safety, and the security of our home at risk. You’re destroying the washing machine, and we could lose the apartment over it.” He blew up. Absolute hissy fit if I’ve ever seen one. He was mad we didn’t bring this up earlier. (I’ve asked him to take care of the smell, clean up after himself, and remove his shoes multiple times before. He ignores me) He was mad we discussed the issue before talking to him. (Hello? we’re married…) He said he could see this coming for a long time and stormed out of the house. He came back in a minute later, knocking stuff off of the wall on accident and began yelling at us some more. He took a huge chance moving here. (So did we by living with you) He didn’t get a chance to correct his behavior before we decided to kick him out. Again, I’ve raised multiple issues to him, he just ignores me. Then he started projecting and exposing himself. He’s upset we have conversations in the next room without him. What? He’s upset that I have issues with him and don’t talk about them. He’s upset there’s been tension between us. I asked what is he talking about because I’ve had no ill will towards him and he’s been giving me the silent treatment. Then it was somehow my fault I didn’t bring up the issue and ask HIM what was wrong. I disputed every single argument he had, it was all projection. He stormed off again, then returned to beg us to sign another lease with him. I was pissed he’s still pressing this. I projected my voice and said I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN THE SITUATION ANYMORE PERIOD. I HAVE A RESPIRATORY INFECTION FROM YOUR LITERAL FECES and my voice started cracking, as if on cue. (Partner and I have recent issues breathing because of the home) RM was silent so partner said it “be honest, do you wipe?” RM “YES!” me “with what?” RM panicked. “the- the paper towel and then I get it in the shower!!” If the light inside me wasn’t already dead, it would be now. The truth has come out, what was very obvious to reddit, and baffling to us, has been confirmed. He shits, stands up, then gets in the shower and let’s the water “trickle down”. As one commenter put it- bleach, bleach everywhere. I will be spending the next few days washing all my clothes again. If he decides to cause anymore issues, the leasing office has my back with a two week eviction notice. (I asked about this before we accepted a roommate. I didn’t disclose any details of the situation.) He resigned and said he would be out as soon as possible- it only took me saying this is beyond not acceptable three times. He also took his fucking shoes off. To the three or four people who felt personally attacked by my post, can we talk? It’s okay to wipe your ass, and wash it with soap. It won’t hurt you or turn you gay, and unless you have serious difficulties, you won’t get shit on your hands. You wonder why you don’t have friends or a romantic partner, it’s because there’s a toxic gas cloud in your pants. That’s why you have issues peeing too. Seriously get help, you’re putting your health and others health at risk. Shitty situation for sure, but I’ve dealt with far, far worse. **ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP** [Additional info](https://www.reddit.com/r/badroommates/s/ODfxcaBOPt) I understand your point, but it was obviously a lot more than not wiping. There were a number of hygiene issues including not washing his hand and getting shit stains on the doors. Trust me, I feel extremely guilty over the situation. Once I realized what was going on, I brought up the issue. He works a lot so there wasn’t really another chance before that to talk to him. I think a more glaring issue here, what’s  definitely more of a driving factor is his lack of respect for me. It bothers both of us. He thinks I’m crazy for wanting a clean house. When I last asked him to take his shoes off, he texted me “what mess did I make now” and i simply told him I just don’t want shoes in the house because shoes are dirty. He replied okay whatever dude, and when I asked him what he meant, he said I was reading too much into it. Side note, he has a lot of issues with me that he waited until yesterday to bring up. He didn’t start taking me seriously until we said we didn’t want to renew the lease with him. The whole time we were talking to him, which I was using a soft tone until the very end, he kept pointing at and directing his anger at me, not my partner. also, how could I be sure he’s wiping/washing his hands? Do i have to clean every single thing he could’ve touched every single day just so I can maintain my health? pls read my username **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Please help- my roommate doesn’t use toilet paper

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vm661/please_help_my_roommate_doesnt_use_toilet_paper/

17vm6w7

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRA00900090 **I think my boyfriend is trying to babytrap me.** **Originally posted to** r/sex + r/offmychest + r/DerechoGenial + r/JustNoSO + r/TwoXChromosomes + r/TrueOffMyChest **Previous** [BoRU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/9kxyGVtxp0) **MOOD SPOILER:** >!story ahead is rough, be warned!< **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Emotional manipulation, Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse, rape, infertility, murder threats and revenge porn, birth control tampering!< [Original Post - recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/sex/comments/11yvxq3/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_trying_to_babytrap_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **March 22, 2023** I don't know what to do I need help please. Throwaway for obvious reasons. Sorry for any errors English is not my first language. I've been dating my boyfriend for an year. I live with him. My family life isn't great, my dad has been out of the picture for as long as I remember and my mom is very mentally unstable. She has been diagnosed bpd but isn't on treatment. She has always been a jealous person. She showers you with love and affection but if you don't do the same for her she will blow up. I've seen her do that to all of her partners and to me. She has been against me doing anything other than staying home with her for as long as I remember, against me having friends, studying for school, working out, etc. Always putting me down for anything. She has had better and worst times and the last year has been one of her downs. She went absolutely mental when she found out I had a boyfriend, she tried to prohibit me seeing him, made scenes whenever I spent time with him saying I am "changing her" etc. Went as far as trashing my room when I left for a whole day. One day I came home and she told me I either stay here with her and broke up with him or when I leave she will change the locks and never let me come back. I called my boyfriend crying and he offered for me to move in with him. I agreed. She has sent me picture of her burning everything I had in my room, that she never wants to see me again and that I am a terrible daughter, made posts on Facebook calling me a whore, etc. Everything has been going okay until a week ago. I came back from school and told him we had vocational orientation, and that a nurse had came to tell us about her career, I told him I though what she did was really cool and I would love to be a nurse. He asked me if you had to study to be a nurse and I said you had, it was about 3 years I think. He then asked me when would we get married and I laugh and said idk maybe after I finish the career. He frowned and said that he wanted to have kids young. I told him we could, just not that young, we still had plenty of time and I though it was best for both of us to have careers before having kids. There wasn't a rush. He said he was running late for work and the conversation was cut short. He has since then done something really weird in which he starts talking semi sarcastically about when I start studying and asking me things like if I am going to go to parties or make more friends or if I'll still have time for him. When I ask him why is he talking like that he will deny using any tone. He has also started to try and convince me to have sex without a condom, saying that he will pull out. One time he even went as far as ignoring me asking him to put a condom on and trying to go in me and he stopped just because I screamed at him. Three days ago I saw him doing something with the drawer where we keep our stash of condoms open. When he saw me he closed it quickly. I grew suspicious and went to look at them after he left. Some of them had little dots like they had been poked. There where just 1/4 of them so I feel like if I bring this up he will deny it and say some where just broken. The other day I asked him that if he wanted to have sex without a condom maybe I should start doing hormonal birth control and he said those pills make you fat and he doesn't want me being fat. He also made fun of me saying I am being so dramatic about being scared of getting pregnant like it was a curse or something. I've though about talking it out with him and reassuring him that me wanting to go to college doesn't change anything on our relationship and we still have plenty of time to form a family, but maybe I'm being naive. I really do love him and I don't want to end this relationship, up until now he has been the biggest blessing. I don't know what else to do, I don't have access to my own money to get my own birth control without him, I live with him, I don't have anywhere else to go [Update 1 -It isnt normal isnt it?](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/11z7zxj/it_isnt_normal_isnt_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **March 23, 2023** A couple of hours ago I asked for help in a couple of subs for a specific situation with my boyfriend.Many people gave me advice and made me feel like I wasn't crazy which I genuinely appreciate. But a lot of advice I was given, revolved around me leaving or taking action behind his back. I started thinking and I don't think the dynamics of our relationship are standard. It would be really hard for me to hide something from him. He takes care of everything money involved, which makes sense because he makes the money but it is to the extent I don't remember him ever giving me cash, not even to buy the simplest cheapest items. Whenever we need something, he goes and buys it, from groceries to clothes to everything. He has made me wait in stores with the things we need for the house for him to come to where I am and pay. Even when he charges my public transport card he asks me how many trips I need to make and charges exactly the money for them, not one cent more. I have access to absolutely 0 money. I used to think it was just a quirk of his but now I feel like it's deliberate. My phone doesn't have a plan, I just use wifi and have him as my emergency contact if I'm outside the house. I don't have friends or really any type of relationships that he isn't also friends with. All my “friends” are people he knew first. If I do anything without him he insists on dropping me off and picking me up. He asks me for selfies of what I'm doing every hour of the day if we are apart. He convinced me to delete together all of our conventional social media (insta, twitter, tiktok) claiming it's better for our mental health, and then he didn't delete his because he realized he needed them for his job. He doesn't know English and he has started complaining whenever I consume any media in English claiming it makes him feel left out and he wants to be able to engage in my hobbies. With people recommending me to search for narcissist abuse and other comments I started to rethink most things I never really put much thought into or minded about. Maybe he has been controlling all along I just didn't oppose any of his requirements until now. I guess I'm just used to having no control. With my mom it was worst, at least he lets me enjoy myself, she would try to make me feel miserable every hour of the day. But at the same time it's so much worse, outside of empty threats there was very little she could do after I was 13 or 14. She is fat and old and I have little respect or love for her. She could trash my room or scream or not feed me all she wanted but she couldn't retain me physically. With him, outside from being way stronger than me, I love him so so much. I can't even picture myself ever finding the strength to leave. It really physically pains me to write this, I feel like I am delusional, and I want to be. I feel like such an empty shell of a human being, though I had control of my life for once and I am just in the same spot. [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/124bo0t/update_i_think_my_boyfriend_is_trying_to_babytrap/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **March 28, 2023** Posted the update a couple of hours ago and it got deleted by the mods because I wasn't specifically asking for advice(fair enough). So I now specify, I am still asking for advice in this situation. I want feedback on my way of dealing with things, it helps me stop underestimating situations. I'm trying my best to be realistic, it's just hard sometimes when you have no idea what to do otherwise. original post Hi guys. I have a small-ish update. People told me to contact my father's family for help, I tried, and he smoothly told me he does not care. I have no close enough friends who aren't friends with him to reach out to, and there isn't a woman's shelter in my city. I am also very adamant about contacting the police because my country's child laws are very strong on putting blood bonds over almost every type of abuse that is not full-blown crude sexual or physical abuse, I do not want to get back at my mom's house at any terms. I know there's a possibility this isn't going to work out and the way he was acting wasn't okay, but he has been so good to me since now. I feel like he deserves the benefit of the doubt. I spent the weekend trying to avoid having sex, I claimed I had a bruised cervix which did happen before so he understood and didn't push it further than just asking for oral a couple of times which I don't mind. He did make one weird joke on Saturday when I got out of the shower and he saw me and he said something along the lines of if you don't let me get what's mine I'll have to just get in myself. I guess he could see on my facial expression that I didn't find it funny and ensured me he was just joking, I genuinely believe him it was a joke that came off the wrong way. I managed to talk to a school friend and ask for her help, today we skipped the first period and went to a nearby "salita" (i don't know how to describe it in English but a very small hospital for neighborhoods). I got a birth control shot. I hoped I would be able to get a three months one but they didn't have any so I have to go back every month to get it on the same day. I still think it's better than pills because that means I don't have to hide any item. And it was free(yay) thanks to the girl in Argentina that sent me the link to them. Later I started stressing about what would happen if the day of the month falls on the weekend and I do not have school to use as an excuse but I still have many months to go so that's a future me problem. I will still try to stand my ground on him using condoms though. I know I need some type of backup plan if the situation goes south, so I applied for government aid that's supposed to be for high school students from public schools, and it's supposed to help you with money for uniforms or school supplies. It's not much but I thought if I created a mercado pago account (Paypal for Argentina) that I can create from my home and put my money there in investing mode I can help it not all disappear from the inflation. I still don't know if I'm going to get accepted because it has a restriction on your parent's income and I am not sure how much they are making currently. If he still doesn't want me to study when I turn 18 I can apply for a program that helps you for three months financially for people who are suffering domestic violence. The program seems too good to be true though so if someone in Argentina is reading this can you tell me if it's as accessible as it seems? As per today was such a shitty weird day, when I got home from school and he got home from work I saw him and just started crying uncontrollably. He didn't ask me anything, he just held me and told me not to worry that everything was going to be okay, and that he was going to take care of me. I don't know if he had his own theory on why I was crying or if he didn't want to bother asking but I ended up falling asleep while hugging him. It made me feel like a hypocrite. I feel like for the last months for the first time in my life I was just able to put my guard down and not walk on eggshells so It kind of sucks being back on analyzing everything someone says or does or makes me do. I woke up like two hours ago and he went back to work so now I am now writing this not knowing how to feel. [Update 3 - If I take a computer that my boyfriend bought me, can I get into legal trouble?](https://www.reddit.com/r/DerechoGenial/comments/12ckrd1/si_me_llevo_una_computadora_que_mí_novio_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Apr 5, 2023** **THIS POST HAS BEEN TRANSLATED FROM THE ORIGINAL SPANISH** My boyfriend has been having a lot of violent activities and I need to get out of the relationship, but I'm kind of tied to him because I don't work and he supports me. I don't have any money that belongs to me and I don't have many people in my life to ask for help. Several months ago he bought a laptop for me to use primarily but he uses it too. I thought about taking it and maybe selling it if I need the money. Can he sue me and put me in a legal bardo? I am underage. He doesn't care so much about the legal implications as much as that by complaining about it he can get the police to find out where I am and have access to me back. I'm 17 if it makes a difference. [Update 4 - Last week I left my partner, I don't know if I should go to the police.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/12zvijh/last_week_i_left_my_partner_i_dont_know_if_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **Apr 26, 2023** This is a long post but please bare with me, I need advice in this situation and I am tired of feeling like I am burdening the very few people I have in my life with my hesitation. I used this account to ask for advice a couple of times to know if my partner was being abusive or if I was being dramatic. You guys were right, from my first post things just went downhill, I feel like he could sense I wanted to leave and became more hostile even. From slight controlling acts, it escalated to plain violence, physically and sexually. On top of that, I found him cheating and a lot of other worrying stuff on his phone but that alone would take me a whole post. I didn't know how to leave, I had no money or anywhere to go. At the perfect time, I remembered a very specific figure from my past that had almost left my mind between traumatic events, who had promised to help me if anything wrong happened to me (Im sorry this is vague I do not want to give identifiable information). She agreed to help me, so without thinking about it too long, I left him a note explaining why I was leaving without saying where to and I left with like 2 T-shirts and my phone charger. This was last week Monday. The person who has helped me escape has been nothing short of wonderful and the most loving human being, but that sadly hasn't made this past week any less horrifying. He tried contacting me on all platforms we have, and I answered all his first messages explaining I am okay but I don't want to go back and block him afterward, except for email just in case. He started sending messages saying he couldn't live without me, asking me to come back. Then they fluctuated to full walls of paragraphs saying how much he hated me and how much of a horrible human being I am and threatening physical violence, he then sent me a message with a folder with nude pictures he had of me saying he would share them if I didn't agree to see him. The pictures are half pictures of myself I knew he had but they don't really show anything that would gain me a ban on Instagram, they are just suggestive. There are a whole other bunch of pictures that I sent him on limited time agreeing to his persistence for them and I had specifically asked to not screenshot, but oh well, in these pictures I specifically didn't show my face or any defining feature that would tell It's me. The real issue comes with a couple of pictures he added where I am fully naked and you can recognize it's me. I did not take or consent to be taken these pictures, he had taken them while I was asleep/distracted. I don't think he would be dumb enough to share this because I am a minor and doing so would fuck up his life way more than it would mine, still, it scares me very much. His actions don't end here, he then proceeded to say if I didn't answer he would find where I was and go ki// me. My mom and a school friend asked me where I was because he had gone by their houses demanding to see me and threatening them if they didn't let him in. I made the terrible mistake of telling my mom where I was and what was going on, she didn't have much of a response other than telling me that it was my fault and that I deserved it because she always told me he was bad news. Well, turns out my ex-boyfriend's mom called mine crying and pleading with her to convince her that I return home with him because she feared for his mental health and life if didn't, and the piece of shit I have the displeasure of calling my mom I have told her where and with who I am. She informed me this, her excuse was that she knows how hard it is to be a mother and she empathizes with her because I am a horrible human being that keeps hurting people. Since this, he has just sent me one email saying he knows where I am and nothing else, I am incredibly terrified and haven't left the house. Who I am staying with has encouraged me to file a lawsuit against him, because then I can ask for state help and I do have some evidence. I don't know what is the value of the evidence, I have the emails, screenshots from his phone talking to his friends about me and lowkey admitting to sexually abusing me, pictures of marks he has left on me, and a video of him hitting the door I am hiding against screaming threatening to hurt me. I never till today thought of taking legal action, this whole experience has made me feel so weak I feel if one more person starts questioning me I will lose my sanity. I just want to move on with my life and leave everything that has to do with him behind. I am from a very small town and people love him and his family, I feel that even if I have all the evidence in the world the average person will still be on his side. I am an outsider with a mom known for losing her marbles. The only really weird thing that gave me a little bit of hope is that today one of the girls in his friend group contacted me and asked me if I was okay and to know my side of the story. She said she had created her suspicions one night when we went to hang out with his friends and he had gotten really drunk and really mad at me. She said she had seen him throwing and pushing me around, I hadn't even realized he was doing so. She said she believed me and she was proud of me for leaving. She has no reason for believing me over him or reaching out. It made me feel less crazy. I don't know if legal action will bring me more safety or just more mess, I don't care about justice anymore, I just want to live. **CONCERNING THE EX-BOYFRIENDS AGE** [This comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/11yvvmx/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_trying_to_babytrap_me/jd9otsp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **kzapwn** >How old is this guy **OOP replied** >23 ##**OOP HAS COMMENTED IN THE ORIGINAL BORU THREAD** * [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/151i4ju/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_trying_to_babytrap_me/jth7l5y?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 25, 2023** Hi, I'm fine, thanks to everyone that reached out:). I stopped posting because someone started harassing me and I just really didn't have energy to write or do anything. I am currently back at living with my mom because of legal procedures how I feared but I'm planning to move out with some friends next month. A lot has happened since my last post, if you guys still care I can update more in depth soon ##**NEW UPDATES** * [Update 5 - Life after escaping?](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/15e6j0z/life_after_escaping/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **July 31, 2023** UPDATE Hey, everyone! Sorry for the long disappearance. My life has been stressful enough lately, and I just haven't had the energy to share what's been happening. I want to address something. So many people complained about me telling my mother where I was, I don't know why I did it, I know it was stupid, I think It was just wishful thinking she would at least not try to actively harm me. Sometimes, I just make poor decisions. So, I want to give you a fair warning that in the next weeks, I didn't make the smartest choices either. Please don't hate me for it. One of the reasons I'm updating now is that my previous posts helped me remember things better. Without them, I'd keep convincing myself that things weren't as serious as they were or that they didn't happen at all. It's tough explaining everything that's happened since my last post; I haven't written anything in the past two months, and it's all a blur in my mind. I feel like I've been living in a fog for so long. After my last update, I got a restraining order against my ex-boyfriend. But I decided not to pursue legal action because some of me still loves him, and I didn't want to ruin his life. Things were calmer for about two weeks, but then my ex-boyfriend started reaching out again. I didn't take action the first time he contacted me. I had to go back to my city for some paperwork, and he found out. He asked to talk, and I agreed, hoping for closure since things ended so abruptly. I never got to explain what I found or why I wanted to get away from him. I know it sounds silly, but I just hoped to be able to understand him a little bit at least. So, we met in a public place during the day to be safe. Unfortunately, our conversation mostly involved him blaming me for everything and denying his actions. Realizing it wasn't going anywhere, I left. He was a bit pushy about me staying, but eventually, he let me go. Now, he had ignored the restraining order, and I haven't done anything about it. As a result, he has become way more relaxed about taking it seriously. He started emailing me but he wasn't aggressive, just asked to see me again repeatedly and sent me pictures of us. He went further and took a vacation week from work to come to the town I was in. He got a room there and every time I got out of the house, he would drive by my side and try to talk to me. Surprisingly, he was very calm and respectful during these encounters. I know it was a dumb decision, but I just couldn't bear any more dealing with the police or confrontation. Plus, I feared that they would blame me for not calling the first time he showed up, and he wasn't being mean to me, which was the only thing I cared about so I thought I could ignore it and that eventually, it would stop. I know I'm stupid for doing so, my reasoning was to just do whatever is easier for the next six minutes survival. He became more demanding about me going back to him. Just slowly started losing his patience, I thought he might just be about to give up. Well, I've never been more wrong in my life. This is the part where I add the big trigger warning. He forced me into his car and now, id rather just say that an ADN kit (meant to say DNA, I forgot it's different letters in English) was enough to get him facing a whole spectrum of charges. I don't really know what his ultimate plan was, but after he left me in a rural area near the city, and he cut the sole of my feet, so I couldn't walk. I sat there crying for hours until someone found me and helped me. He also took my phone, which I now have back. Anyway, I was taken to the police, and he now has an actual case against him. I haven't seen him since then, but the case is probably going to take forever to resolve. I was forced to go back to my mom's house, so it feels like bouncing from one narcissist to another. I feel stuck in a cycle. I want to move to the capital city of my province when I turn 18 and leave everything behind me. Right now, everyone in my town looks at me weirdly, and even the sympathetic ones make me feel like they just see me as a helpless pet they pity. I don't know if that makes sense. Until two days ago I was sure to do it with a new friend and some of her friends who are renting a house all together for dirty cheap there, but I'm second guessing myself. I am scared I'll get there and won't be able to get a job. Also everyone there is a little bit heavy on the drug use and I just feel like it might be a very unstable living arrangement. If it fails they can just go back to their parents houses but I can't do that. Also I literally don't know them at all. So idk, I just really want to leave, my mom has been making me feel shitty even if she isn't trying to lay hands on me that much. [Update 6 - Moving on after abuse has never been harder.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/YBPSsl0Iuz) **Sept 25, 2023** I always come back to Reddit to ask for support when nasty things happen, I'm sorry. I was raped by my ex-boyfriend a couple of months ago, it had all the aggravating factors, death threats before it, consent was widely denied, he basically abducted me beforehand, all three types of carnal access, borderline torture, and it was very much planned. I feel disgusted just for having to explain it, I try not to think about it because it triggers me in every way possible. Legal proceedings are still going on. I've been trying to get my life back together, healing, and moving on. I repeat myself every day about how harm is temporary, how it's all in my head now, and someday I'll be able to get over it and it will just be one ugly memory that doesn't control my life. Today I realized I've been lying to myself, apart from the psychological distress that all of this has caused me, I've also had to meet up regularly with a gynecologist who tracks physical healing. I hadn't had a proper period since the abuse and today I was let know I am most likely infertile. I'm so angry and sad and everything else. I don't know if my grief makes sense to everyone here, I've always wanted to become a mom, in a long time, but it's been something I've always pictured myself doing in the future. And now I know that it doesn't matter how far away I move to, how much time he ends up getting for what he did to me, how much I try to process everything, I will never be able to ignore it because I will always have the reminder that he took that away from me. And that's never going to get better. I feel stupid for ever letting something like that happen to me, for making stupid choices, for not seeing the red flags sooner. I don't think I can put everything behind me, I don't know how to move on, how to be my own person and not my trauma. I can't keep telling myself it will all become better someday. [Update 7 - I'm better.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/Ihz09MEPue) **Nov 5, 2023** I just wanted to say this on my profile because I know some people soemtimes read it and get worried. I always post on Reddit on the worst of times but I want to say something nice for once. I got a job, part time but it's okay for now, I made some friends in school, they invite me places sometimes, I am gaining weight, I sometimes can feel like I'm on the route to unclench my fists over everything that has happened. I still have a lot of grief in me but I know I'll be okay someday. **OOP HAS COMMENTED IN THE THREAD** [Comment here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/n7GADrxdYi) Hi boru, I just want to say to all the people that are pissed at me on the comments because I made bad choices that I don't want to keep apologising for them anymore. I know my brain works to ignore all type of confrontation at all costs even without thinking what is at risk and I know I should change that. But I did my best at the time, I didn't always react how I would have liked to, and I kept hoping for everything to be less serious than it was because if things were that serious, I had no idea or resources to deal with them. Even if had reacted better, there were only certain amount of things I could have done. Don't keep repeating the scenario and asking what I could have done better, I'm already doing that on my own, and it's useless. At least I left. At least I'm alive. I don't want you to feel sorry for me but to try to understand how paralizing it can be to see what you thought was finally your safe place crumble to pieces in a matter of weeks. To all the people that left sweet messages thank you a lot, I'll answer everyone who dm me, I'm just in a rush rn. Have a nice day everyone :) **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I think my boyfriend is trying to babytrap me. (New Updates)

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vm6w7/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_trying_to_babytrap_me_new/

17vm7bu

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRA-onship-862 **Husband [35m] demanded I [29f] stop cooking for friends + 6 month update** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **Previous** [BoRU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/UpZ4tra8Wr) **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!verbal abuse, emotional abuse and emotional manipulation, depression, misogyny,  divorce!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12ax67e/husband_35m_demanded_i_29f_stop_cooking_for/)  **Apr 3, 2023** My husband and I have been married for 3 months. He comes from a much more traditional background than I do. When we were dating, he swept me off my feet. We went out for dinners, lovely vacations, and he brought me numerous care packages. He works as an executive and makes good money. Last year I started a baked goods side hustle. it brings me soooo much joy!! I ended up becoming really busy, made more friends, and now I'm way more social. My husband has become angry that I cook and spend evenings with my girl friends. It's maybe 1-2 nights a week and I don't really see people much outside of that. He said I'm not a good wife and he feels used. When I said I was going to buy a car with my own money, he became even angrier. He refused to pay for groceries and said I need to contribute more $$$. So now with working, cooking lunch and dinner, it's become exhausting. How can I reason with my husband? I feel like I've grown a lot, and he's not happy. Tl;Dr husband angry when I'm away **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **peakpenguins** >"He said I'm not a good wife and he feels used." >I'd be interested in hearing him explain in detail how you're not being a good wife. By spending time with people who aren't him? Doing things that aren't for him? **OOP replied** >>He keeps telling that he's been unhappy, which is strange, because I've been really happy and bubbly. >>He says I'm not pulling my weight because I don't cook as much. He stopped buying food for us, so it's been more work to keep up * **barnstablepearl** >Do you have another job? How much of your joint income do you have access to? >You say he "refused to pay for groceries", which makes me worry about financial abuse. **OOP replied** >>I work part time as a model, and lately both industries have been busy. I don't have access to our joint income, we keep everything separate * RubyJuneRocket >A supportive partner will never make you feel small or like you have to shrink yourself down for them, but that is exactly what that man is doing. It happens in Hollywood, the woman in the couple gets more famous or wins a major award and the husband starts feeling some kind of way. >You are starting to shine and he is trying to dull you. You deserve to be a star. **OOP replied** >>Thank you. It's been so upsetting. I've started getting great contracts and suddenly he wants to move away, where the industry isn't as good. >>I'm so puzzled because I'm happier and I didn't think it would cause so many problems * **MagicCarpet5846** >The reality is, your husband wants a traditional wife. He wants a woman who’s sole existence is to serve him and his family. Your role is to cook for him, take care of him, bear and rear as many or as few kids as he desires and put up with whatever he wants. He makes a bunch of money and he feels as though that’s his right as not only a man, but a successful man. >I get everyone on Reddit telling you not to tolerate it, and you shouldn’t, but you need to be hyper realistic about the situation you’re in. He isn’t going to change. There is no point in trying to convince him. If you try to change him, one of two (I guess three) things is going to happen, he will leave you, cheat on you, or become violent. He’s already become angry with you for beginning to challenge him, so do not doubt the possibility that he will become physical. >You need to simply decide if your and his views on what a marriage should be are compatible, and they very well may not be. But if this isn’t what you want, you need to make plans to leave, not plans to stand up for him. Otherwise, you may be in physical danger, or at a minimum left in a situation with no plan. He may become vengeful in a divorce and do everything he can to take everything from you and leave you with even less than you came into the marriage with. I can’t impress upon you that the choices are either accept the marriage he wants, or do not say anything until you’re in a position to quickly and safely leave. **OOP replied** >>Thank you. I'm realizing it's worse than I thought. He's been acting strangely like booking vacations without telling me, threatening to have an "open marriage"... all because I haven't been cooking in the last month and "not putting any effort" into our marriage. >>I guess I didn't want to say it, but he has started yelling over things as well. >>We dated for 1.5 years and a lot of this stuff is out of character. >>I guess I'll quietly make a decision without him? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/13pdghb/update_husband_35m_demanded_i_29f_stop_cooking/)  **May 23, 2023** Hi reddit, I first posted a few months ago, here: /r/relationship_advice/comments/12ax67e/husband_35m_demanded_i_29f_stop_cooking_for/ and... wow. I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of support and comments from all of you. I read all of your comments and kept coming back to the page. I wanted to update earlier, but I needed to give myself time. Things have been really messy and hectic and I had a hard time thinking anything through. I really tried to reason with my husband. I just couldn't get through to him. Any conversation would turn to him saying "you say you love me, but your actions don't match," or the silent treatment, or him suddenly saying I'm not bringing in enough money, etc etc I spent SO much time crying, curled into a ball, shaking from anxiety, that eventually I just... became numb. I finally decided to take a break and moved in with a friend of mine. It's been a month. It's hard and it sucks. My husband says that now he can "safely date other people," and that these other women are less demanding and treat him better. He keeps reminding me that I've put on a little weight and that he wants someone who is healthier. So for me, I've been focusing on work and spending time with my friends. I don't know what will happen with my husband or if he will ever come around. I know it's not exactly a perfect update, but this is where I am! Unfortunately I don't have my baking supplies but I'm hoping in the future I'll be more settled. Thanks again, reddit **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Leather_Opinion8154** >So not only did he make you feel horrible, made you cry, fat shame you and try to manipulate you, he also is trying to to make you crawl back to him at his beck and call and make you jealous. These are his true colors Op. you’ve built something for yourself that you love to do outside of your relationship and made friends that he’s angry about that. >He’s angry because YOU have accomplished something, he’s angry that YOU are happy and that you have friends. He can’t do anything. I still don’t understand what he meant by “you love me but your actions don’t match”, LIKE HOW?! What have you supposedly done that your actions of love don’t match when you say it? How did he feel used when you started your business and go out with friends? Well let me tell you, he didn’t. His is just mad at you because you’ve done something for yourself and you’re successful and happy and he’s jealous of that. He’s just trying to find things to start problems that don’t even need to be there. >You deserve better than him and since you guys are separated he thinks he can cheat on you? You don’t need that from him. Also, you are a beautiful person inside and out. Don’t let his words about your body get to you. If he wants a skinny girl then by all means let him have a skinny girl. It’s ok if you’ve put on a little bit of weight, bigger girls are better. Tbh you really need to have a conversation with him on why he feels this way and resents you. If he still ignores you and doesn’t want to do anything to fix things with you, just divorce him. A man like that will NEVER come around. **OOP replied** >>His true colors are here. He isn't who he used to be. We went from such a happy dating life: he was so generous and always treated me for meals, and vacations, and he was emotionally available and always willing to listen. I didn't see the red flags because I thought it was because of his culture. He said "Oh, your financial background is very, very bad. My family won't accept you." - I believed him because I don't have a formal education. I blamed myself for being so anxious and needy, but when I healed my anxious-attachment style, I became a healthier and happier version of myself. Then the wheels really fell off. So basically, this is a very long response to say THANK you! I needed this thread. I come back to hear positive words like yours, telling me I'm worth more and still beautiful, even from the stress of over-eating. So thank you, thank you. ##**NEW UPDATE - 6 MONTHS LATER** * [Update 2 - 6 months later](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/TCq30vYVGb)  **Nov 8, 2023** (hey mods, I hope this is okay. I'm not looking for advice, but I wanted to give a final update because people have been asking.) Hi Reddit! 7 months ago I posted here because I was struggling in my marriage. (links here:) First Post: /r/relationship\_advice/comments/12ax67e/husband\_35m\_demanded\_i\_29f\_stop\_cooking\_for/ Second Post /r/relationship\_advice/comments/13pdghb/update\_husband\_35m\_demanded\_i\_29f\_stop\_cooking/ I was in a dark place and honestly, pretty depressed. At the time I was running around, trying to buy groceries and cook elaborate dinners for my husband who was continually unhappy. I had suggested counselling but I was told "nothing is wrong," and he was constantly toying with me by taking his financial support away. I remember one of our last dates he said "let's get you some food," then when we'd go to the restaurant he would force to make me pay. HOWEVER - the good news! I started weekly therapy and worked so, so hard. And guess what? I am legally separated from my (soon-to-be ex) husband and living on my own! It takes a year until we can legally divorce, but the process has been started. I have focused on work and my friendships and they have honestly saved me. I can't believe I used to beg to go out for 1-2 nights a week, and now I have friends over almost every day. Life is so much better, and happier, and lighter. And I'm baking again! My ex has not done so well. He was let go from his job and ran into some legal trouble. We see each other once in a while. I have zero hopes of ever, ever getting back together with him - but he tells me he is depressed and lost. He REALLY thinks we will be together again some day. Also - there weren't any other women, something which he constantly threatened me with when we were together. He admitted he just "didn't have much luck," and that he hasn't been with anyone else. It was a total fabrication. So that's it. Thanks Reddit - you were totally right and it took me forever to see that. TL;DR i'm legally separated! **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Husband [35m] demanded I [29f] stop cooking for friends + 6 month update

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vm7bu/husband_35m_demanded_i_29f_stop_cooking_for/

17vnrja

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Splooter\_McGooter](https://www.reddit.com/user/Splooter_McGooter/). She posted in r/AITAH. Please remember the no brigading rule. **Trigger Warning:** >!sexual assault!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!sad and frustrating, but OOP is going to be ok!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17p20rw/aitah_for_not_telling_my_sister_her_husband/)**: November 6, 2023** I (33F) was sexually assaulted by my (alcoholic) brother in law when I was 24. It happened less than 6 months since I'd moved 1.5 hours away, out of my parents house. It took me 8 years to tell my husband, who I had been dating for 4 months when it happened. Once I told him, it started explaining a lot of weird behaviors - panic attacks when going to visit my family and night terrors being the two biggest. About a year ago, I told my parents everything that happened. My father was fairly silent. My mother tried to be understanding but couldn't help herself on comments like "why didn't you tell us?" and making jokes about how fucked up my childhood was when I said I had been in therapy. At the time, I explained to my parents the difficulty I was having. I told them I need their support to tell me if he's going to be around when I'm visiting. I explained to them how it has impacted me from being around as often as I would like. My dad was quiet and my mom carried on about how that shouldn't slow me down from visiting my family. Over the course of the last year, neither of my parents have even broached this topic since the day I told them. If my BIL is around at a family gathering, my dad pays attention and is right by my side if he tries to talk to me. My mom? Gives him alcohol when he shows up already drunk and does things like set an extra place setting at family dinners 'just in case' he shows up. It has been hurtful and I haven't exactly felt supported by my family. My relationship with my sister has also deteriorated, although we were never super close to begin with (she is still blissfully unaware). A few years ago, my mother announced to the family that she was officially giving me Thanksgiving to host. Since then it has been a battle and she tries to host every year. I finally put my foot down this year and said I won't come. I tried to explain to her how hurt I am and that I want to be in my own safe place. If BIL actually shows up (he usually gets "sick" when it involves coming to my house), I think I'll feel empowered to finally confront him. I got emotional trying to say this and my mother told me not to cry. I lost it and told her I was allowed to have emotions and she was going to listen to them even if they made her uncomfortable. She was not happy with what I had to say to her and starting swinging back with unrelated issues. I hung up on her because the conversation was going nowhere good, fast. After I got into the fight with my mom, I felt empowered to confront my BIL. We talked, he tried to say he slightly remembered what he did to me but wasn't sure because he was black out drunk. I gave him Every. Single. Detail. I also told him I'm not looking to blow up my sister's life almost a decade later, but he needs to step up and be a better husband and father and also stop drinking. The next day my mom told my sister about our fight. The main point of the fight was me not feeling supported around the AH who sexually assaulted me. My sister doesn't know this part, so she thinks I'm arguing about hosting Thanksgiving just because I'm difficult. I got a long, nasty text from my sister for being rude to my mother. She carried on and called me a bad aunt for not being around my nephews enough and not spending more time with my family. I'm hurt. I screenshotted the text and sent it to my BIL so he has to at least see what I'm going through because of him. So, I've been attempting to protect my sister by not telling her this secret. AITAH? Should I just spill the beans and let the cards fall where they may? TL;DR: BIL sexually assaulted me almost 10 years ago. Everyone except my sister knows. She's mad at me for not being around enough but it's because of the trauma I'm still working through. Do I keep taking her shit to keep the peace or spill the beans? Update 1: saying I'm attempting to protect my sister was the wrong word choice. I think I've been trying to protect myself from her volatility. My thinking is definitely jumbled, but thanks for helping me work through straightening it out, Reddit! ***Relevant Comments:*** *Why have you never told your sister? Who are you protecting in this scenario?* "The reason I have not told my sister is because I believe this will be a shoot the messenger situation. It is also the reason I never told her at the time. I believe my mother and sister will gang up against me." "I hear what you're saying and totally understand it. I also have a lot of resentment towards my sister. He was doing heroin when they were dating and couldnt hold down a job because of stealing. When I think about it, I'm very angry at her. I think I feel guilty over the schadenfreude of potentially ruining their marriage." *She may be trauma bonded:* "I agree she's probably trauma bonded. When I started dealing with all of this and pulled away from my family very noticeably, according to my mom, my sister thought I might be having marital issues and brought it up to my mother. My mother told me flat out that her response to my sister was that it's my life/marriage and they shouldn't get involved. So this all started with me having a breakdown and nobody in my family asking because it "wasn't any of their business." I believe they are projecting." *OOP defends herself against someone who says she's sending mixed messages by being fine with BIL in person and leaving SIL with a monster:* "I have not been fine interacting with him. I was having panic attacks since the beginning but didn't understand the reason because I thought I had repressed it successfully. It took a lot of therapy to figure out what I was upset about and what was causing the panic attacks/night terrors. I'm not fine leaving my sister and the kids in a situation like that. My sister has spent her entire life running face-first into bad partners (think physical, emotional, drug abusers). She doubles down when anybody expresses any concern or tries to help her, usually making the problem substantially worse. I never want to see him again. The only time I have contacted him outside of family interactions since this happened was to confront him on Saturday and send a screenshot of my sister's nasty text. There have been no other texts. So two texts in the last 9 years. Nobody has accused me of being aggressive. The problem is that I haven't been able to stand up for myself, not that I'm causing a scene. I agree they're trying to go to status-quo at all costs and their gripe is the fact that I've been distancing myself. If you want to call it trauma-dumping, I did that back in January when I told my parents about the assault. This most recent argument was me telling my mother that her strong-arming a holiday away from me so my assaulter can be present hurts my feelings and does not make me feel like I have her support. I proposed VERY clear instructions back in January and those requests have been denied. This was me reiterating those requests and calling out that they aren't being considered. Funny you say I should run to a therapist. I fired my last one for telling me I shouldn't address this situation at all. Right now I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have." *I'm surprised your husband didn't handle him/when did you tell him:* "My husband hasn't handled him at my request. There were several insistent offers." "I only told my husband 2 months before telling my parents. He was the one who helped me work through things and be able to start verbalizing what happened to me. We had several serious discussions in which he promised to support me in the ways I asked, which included not adding to the conflict. Trust me, husband is just waiting for an excuse to jump. He is upset that I won't allow him to handle it how he wants." *OOP explains (in detail) what happened* TW for assault description- not necessary to read >!I appreciate the nuance. When this happened, it was the middle of the night and I was sound asleep. I woke up to his fingers inside of me. My gut reaction was to slap him away and curl up in a tight little ball. At some point, I fell back asleep, then woke up to his fingers inside of me a second time.!< I foresee my sister accusing me of lying to hurt her in some way, then going NC. I've tried broaching much less scandalous topics with her as gently as possible and she has lost her ever-loving mind on me. She has terrible, unaddressed anxiety and is very emotionally volatile. It's pretty clear I need to tear the band-aid off. I'm going to try calling my dad soon and hopefully he'll be of some help.. **Update 2: November 7, Same Post** I've reached out to my dad and asked to talk to him without my mother around. I'm going to tell him that I'm going to tell my sister. I'm going to ask him to go to her house before I do this and take my nephews so they don't get exposed to the aftermath of the conversation. **Further explanation of Update 2 in** [Comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17p20rw/aitah_for_not_telling_my_sister_her_husband/k89g1s7/?context=3)**:** "Thank you for saying all of this. I finally spoke to my dad. I told him I'm going to tell my sister and would appreciate his help making sure my nephews aren't around when that phone call happens. I told him the ways my mother has hurt me recently by forcing interactions and telling half truths. His rebuttal was that it was hurtful when I hung up on my mom over the weekend. He first tried to talk me out of saying something to my sister by accusing me of being vindictive. I had to say, and repeat, that what BIL did to me is rape and that I need to share the burden I've been carrying for the last decade. That was met with silence. He then couldn't help until next week, and finally said he might be able to make things happen tonight, as my sister is currently at my parents house. I'm waiting on a text from him for the go-ahead to call my sister. There was definitely some gaslighting during the conversation but he's offered to help and it's the most support I've managed (minus my hubs), so I'll take what I can get. The anger monologue you wrote is amazing. Except a few stylistic word choices, that's basically my inner monologue when I think about how I truly feel. I've been reading and rereading that to keep my emotions appropriately angry. I agree with you about not having my dad do it. This is mine and I'm not going to heal unless I do it myself." **Final Update: November 7 (Same Post)** Dad pulled through and gave me an opportunity to talk to my sister. She handled it way better than I expected. She acknowledged I was a victim and kept apologizing. **Fleshed out final update in** [Comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17p20rw/aitah_for_not_telling_my_sister_her_husband/k8cgdtk/?context=3)**: November 8, 2023 (2 days from OG post)** Absolutely no reason to apologize for your language! I talked to my sister. I asked her not to interrupt me, even if she wanted to. She respected it. She quietly listened as I told her what happened and began sobbing. The first words out of her mouth were that I will never have to see him again - he will never be welcome at mine or my parents houses, per her. She believed me 100%. She asked questions, including if he was drunk when it happened. She acknowledged the answer didn't really matter and it was still inexcusable. This happened when we were all on a trip together visiting my grandparents - she didn't even remember going on the trip, so I walked her back to that weekend and we talked through the details. She also shared that BIL was raped by an alcoholic aunt when he was younger. I told her I called and confronted him Saturday. She asked about our conversation and I told her everything. She asked me if he admitted to remembering it and said she doesn't allow him to drink in the house any more because he blacks out and doesn't remember what he does. I told her if ever there was a reason to be 100% sober, I thought this was a pretty damn good one. She got angry. But not at me. She went on repeat a few times that she's my big sister and her job is to protect me. I could feel her internalizing a lot of pain. BIL wound up in the hospital yesterday due to a staph infection, so she told me she wants to go home and beat the shit out of him but can't do it in the hospital, so will wait for him to get discharged. I explained that I do love my family, but the panic attacks and night terrors keep me away so I can protect myself. She told me she's been very angry at me for years for not being around and knowing this changes things. She said had she known, I never would have had to be around him all these years. She kept telling me she wished I had told her sooner. I told her how I always thought I'd defend myself in that type of situation but for some reason froze. (I watched some videos on Betrayal last night and BOY, does that explain some stuff!) She acknowledged that everyone handles trauma differently and it isnt my fault. We then both acknowledged that we were raised to repress any emotions that weren't positive and I had ultimately handled this situation how I had been raised (alone and internalized). She then said I was a victim, Im not responsible for how I handled this trauma when it happened, and none of this was my fault. I felt heard. She told me that she wished I had told her at the time. They didn't have any kids when this happened. She said she most likely would have divorced him. She doesn't see divorce as an option now because of the kids. I explained that I didn't have the tools in my toolbox at the time and that's what I've been working on. I told her until a year ago, I couldn't stand in an empty room and say what happened to me out loud or even write it on a piece of paper. She just sobbed. I told her I am very angry at my mother for telling half truths and being so hurtful to me. She tried to make excuses for my mom telling her about the argument over the weekend. I told her how hurt I was at the most recent family gathering - my sister confirmed a week ahead of time that BIL was working and wouldnt be there. We walked into my parents house and he was there, drunk. I watched my mother give him at least 3 beers and laugh and joke with him. Neither of my parents gave me a heads up he was there. My sister understood and apologized. (When I brought this same topic up to my mom, she told me she didn't think it mattered or was that big of a deal.) I'm really happy BIL is in the hospital. It means my sister has time to herself to straighten out her own thoughts and make some plans. She is also on a shortened, WFH schedule this week. It all seems serendipitous. She was at my parents house - I hope they are helpful and kind to her. I hope she does a lot of thinking and makes decisions that are best for her and my nephews. If talking to her made me realize anything for sure, it's that my parents are pretty fucked up units. I'm going to text my sister this morning. Considering the way she handled it, I think reaching out and trying to heal our relationship will be a good move. I also don't want my parents to do what they did to me, to her. When the dust settles some, I'm going to talk to my sister about all the unhealthy BS from my parents. I think if we can stand up to their fucked up behaviors together, everyone will be better off. I might reach out to my dad today. I'm undecided. I will definitely NOT be reaching out to my mother. I am going to go extremely low contact with her for the next few months (at least, I will adjust however I need to, including NC if needed). Both of my parents have some apologizing to do before they'll be allowed back in my good graces. I am happy I did everything I did yesterday without speaking a word to my mother. There's something poetic about it. My husband still very much wants to have a "come to Jesus." He asked if he can coldcock BIL if he ever sees him again, or at least bitch slap him to the ground. He is also adamant that I am owed apologies from my parents individually and that they need to change their behaviors. I can't express how grateful I am to have a man like him in my life. He told me he'd do this 100 times if it was what I needed. I know this is just the start in a lot of ways. Yesterday was like getting to the peak of Mount Everest. I still have to get down the mountain, but the worst of it is over. **How OOP is doing now:** "Thank you for the virtual mom hug. I've blown the bubble up and my entire family isn't speaking to me. They're treating me as though I'm the one who did something wrong and owes an apology. But I already feel lighter. It hurts but I think I'm seeing things more clearly than I ever have." "I have an insanely supportive husband and my MIL has been momming pretty hard. Plus an appointment with a psychologist early next week." **Mini Update from today when OOP posted in her comments:** *Sister has turned on you too?* "We haven't spoken since I told her 8 days ago. So it's been almost radio silence from the entire nuclear family since. (my dad texted yesterday asking if I was coming for Thanksgiving now...fuck no.)" *I'm so sorry:* "Thank you. I texted with my dad and he said she is doing better. I've texted my sister twice now with no response. I'm thankful for some really solid people in my life who are showering me with love and support right now. I'm going to get my confidence back, hold my head up high, and move forward in the way I know I was raised (even if my folks are being hypocritical)."

AITAH for not telling my sister her husband assaulted me?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vnrja/aitah_for_not_telling_my_sister_her_husband/

17vnupc

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Round-Tumbleweed2582](https://www.reddit.com/user/Round-Tumbleweed2582/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole **Mood Spoiler:** >!sad and frustrating, but necessary!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16z0jf3/aita_for_telling_my_sil_to_but_off_and_let_me_eat/)**: October 3, 2023** I (36F) am a white girl married into a Japanese family. My husband's family has never really accepted me because I am white but they're not that bad most of the time. Usually, they are just cold but my SIL is very hostile especially when it comes to food. I don't like Sushi and my SIL always tried to get me to eat it and has yelled at me for things like using too much soy sauce, eating my dumpling whole and not dipping it in sauce first, mixing wasabi with my soy sauce, drinking sake with rice, etc. Recently we went out for dinner with them for my birthday. I am okay with chopsticks but I still struggle with them sometimes, I was trying to pick up a piece of meat and I just used one of the chopsticks to stab the meat and eat it. SIL immediately started yelling at me saying I was disrespectful. I told her I would eat my food however I liked and to please mind her own business. She always does this and I have had enough, people can eat however they like. I am sick of her picking at my food habits. She said I was being disrespectful to her culture, I told her how I chose to eat food is my choice and to mind her own business. Things got ugly and I left. My husband stayed with them. I have been married to him for 5 years and dating for 7, I have learned his language and speak Japanese with his family. His family has had none of that same respect for me, to this day none of his family has ever tried Egyptian food or tried to learn the language, I have been expected to learn it even though they speak perfect English. We live in Europe yet I am always expected to conform to his culture. AITA? Edit: Every time I ask for a fork his family gets very offended so I can't ask for one. 99% of the time I do okay with chopsticks, this piece was just tiny and slippery. I used the bottom chopstick to just poke it a little for extra grip then used the other one. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Really consider if this relationship is worth a lifetime. The fact that he stayed with his family and not you is telling:* "He's the eldest son so he is very protective of them especially my SIL (the youngest sibling and only sister)." *On how they acted before:* "I see this, when me and my husband were friends they were nice, the attitude started when we began dating." *Now deleted comment says she isn't assimilating enough:* "What more assimilation do they want? I speak their language, celebrate their holidays, visit extended family in Japan, respect their traditions, wear their ceremonial outfits, and had an entire Japanese marriage ceremony just for them. Meanwhile, they don't even know how to say hello in my language." *You learned Japanese but not how to use chopsticks?* "I know how to use them, I just did it this one time without thinking. I didn't impale it like a sword, I just poked it a little to get a better grip." *Just use a fork:* "they won't let me request one at restaurants, it becomes a whole thing" *You talked about Egyptian things, but do you actually participate in that culture? Sounds like whataboutism* "I was born and raised there my whole life so I am Egyptian. It's not whataboutism. It's about me going the extra mile when they won't." *Clarifying nationality and where they live:* "I'm sorry your brain can't comprehend multiple nationalities in one post. I am Egyptian, my husband is Japanese, and we live in Europe. I have never been to America" **Update (Same Post): October 4, 2023 (Next Day)** Edit 2: I guess me and some of the people here have different definitions of culture. For me, culture is about treating people with kindness and respect.I think some of you think I impaled the meat or something, I did not. I just poked it a little for extra grip and ate it quickly and discretely. It was not the sort of thing you would even notice unless you were closely looking at someone...like my SIL was. If you consider "culture" to boss people around and tell them how they can eat and enjoy their food then that is not a culture I want to be a part of. Some of these comments have opened my eyes to the ways my husband has been failing me and I didn't want to see it. We talked today and I asked him to live with his family. We will be divorcing, I guess I never wanted to admit to myself how bad things were and how disrespectful his family was. I learned their language when they never learned mine, I learned their customs when they didn't learn mine, I celebrated their holidays when they didn't bother to do the same. Yet to them and many of you I am still the "disrespectful" one. ***Relevant Comments:*** *OOP responds to speculation as to why he married her if he wouldn't stick up for her:* "I think he wanted his exotic fantasy, while I am white I do have ethnic features because of my dad, regardless we're done." *As a response to someone saying "Japanese food culture is a thing"* "If this behavior is what is considered Japanese culture then thank god I will no longer take part in it."

AITA for telling my SIL to but off and let me eat food the way I want?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17vnupc/aita_for_telling_my_sil_to_but_off_and_let_me_eat/

17w3972

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/throwawayAITA-SISTER **in** r/AITAH trigger warnings: >!domestic abuse, abuse apologism, infidelity, awful families, stalking, false allegations!< mood spoilers: >!frustrating but hopeful for sister!< ## THE NEW UPDATE AND NEW COMMENTS START WITH THE 🔔🔔 [**Would I be the AH if I exposed my sister’s affair to her husband?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/170tuqy/would_i_be_the_ah_if_i_exposed_my_sisters_affair/) \- October 5, 2023 I (f30) caught my sister (f40) cheating on her husband (m49) with a guy (m40). I was shocked because my sister and her husband are the epitome for love that never dies. Literally. They have been together for 15 years and they still look so much in love, the way they treat each other. I felt anger and despair because I love BIL as a big brother and he has been there for my sister when she been her worst mentally. He was there taking care of her without ever once complaining. Now I found out I confronted her and she tried to deny it. I told her that she was pathetic and now she felt good about herself, after her husband nursed her back to health, she is paying him with cheating on him. I told her I was going to expose her and she was begging me and crying telling me I didn’t understand. “Please don’t hurt us, you will be hurting my husband more that you hurt me” After a few days she asked to meet me. She looked like she was crying the whole time. She told me that she has been keeping her husband’s secret but she wanted to tell me and made me promise not to tell anyone. Her husband is impotent and he hasn’t slept with her for the majority of their relationship. I didn’t believe her so she showed me all the texts and emails she had with her husband, her therapist and her diary. He hasn’t touched her for almost 12 years. Her depression was because of it and her “back to health” was because of this new guy. She said that since she started sleeping with him she has been happier and by extension her marriage and husband have been happier. I asked her why she doesn’t just tell her husband, she said that she couldn’t because she loves him and she couldn’t hurt him. She is afraid he would be so lonely without her because he always said he had no one else in this world and he would die without her. “Don’t you see that we are all happy? Please don’t hurt us” About the guy. She met him through work and actually he is kind of a famous entrepreneur in our city. She showed me texts etc. he is also married but he has three children. He has the same problem with his sexless marriage. Yesterday she asked me to meet her. She was with him, the audacity. She looked totally broken and he looked smug and angry and he didn’t even want to look at me. She asked me to think of all the people that would be hurt if this came out and she said that they will end their affair and promised to never do it again. He got upset and said “Or we could just tell everyone and stop hiding”. She got angry and told him to shut up. I don’t know what to do. She said that she kept her husband’s secret because he is embarrassed and he is very possessive and jealous (I have noticed he is the jealous type) so he didn’t agree to open marriage. She swore it was over with this other guy too and showed me texts where they had huge fight because he actually thinks I should tell her husband so they could be together but I don’t know. He has given her a Cartier love ring that she still has and when I confronted her she said she couldn’t throw an expensive ring but she will donate it. She wears it in a chain underneath her clothes. I’m sorry this is getting long but I wanted to include all details. Hope you can give me an honest judgment. Would I be the asshole if I told my sister’s husband? I think this whole thing is wrong and the cheated parties need to know the truth but it will hurt BIL.   **RELEVANT COMMENTS** [*Commenter 1:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/170tuqy/comment/k3nhxqj) I'm worried that your BIL might be abusive and that's why she's so afraid of divorce. I can't rule ah or not on this one. But I'm really worried about your sis. I think another talk with her about possible abuse is in order. [*Commenter 2:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/170tuqy/comment/k3nzqcs/) This. “Jealous and controlling” is the code name for domestic abuse. Also him saying that she is everything to him and he can’t imagine his life without her… something feels wrong. I have volunteer worked in abuse groups and the situation just ticks so many abuse boxes. Also OPs family thinking he is such a great guy and took care of his wife when she was depressed, while wife confesses that SHE was the one that found a way not to be depressed, while he contributed to it. OP - if your sister is being abused and you will put BIL interests first - you will be a massive AH. [*OOP:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/170tuqy/comment/k3ossku/) He is not abusing her. About 5 years ago he slapped her while angry and she made his life living hell by leaving and not telling him or any of us where she was. He was so broken and he apologized for weeks before she forgave him. She has a hard boundary about abuse and he found out the hard way. He would never hurt her again. [*Commenter 3:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/170tuqy/comment/k3ph3eq/)You said in another comment he slapped her 5 years ago. How is it not being abusive? [*OOP:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/170tuqy/comment/k3pufd9/) She said it was just a slap when they were arguing and she disrespected him and said something hurtful. She didn’t say any details other than this back then but I’m guessing it was about sex and his impotent that she must’ve said something hurtful. I’m NOT defending him slapping her but just retelling my sister’s version. It wasn’t abuse and he has never laid his hand on her before or after. She didn’t consider it hitting or beating just a slap when he was angry. Her words not mine She left him and he learned the severity of what he did and was very remorseful and he apologized a million times.   [**Update//Would I be the ah if I exposed my sister’s affair to her husband**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/171rf8m/updatewould_i_be_the_ah_if_i_exposed_my_sisters/) \- October 6, 2023 (1 day later) I just want to come here and update everyone that I have told my BIL about the affair. I have read all your comments and thank you very much for the insight. I had to do what would make me sleep at night. I love my sister but she must’ve known that I couldn’t just live with the guilt. I have been cheated on by someone I loved and I know how shitty and selfish you must be to cheat. I also know that if I could do it again, I would want to know this time too because while the pain was enormous, I still feel lucky now that I found out. My sister has called me like 20 times but I didn’t answer. She texted me, “Do you feel better right now? How could you do this to me? I loved you, you ruined my life” I didn’t answer her. I wanted to answer her that she was the one who ruined her life but I didn’t answer her. My parents are shocked and angry but not with me. BIL called and told them everything and he talked about plans that maybe my sister and he will move back to his hometown. He is devastated and broken. I hope they can move on from this together or separately, it doesn’t matter. But that they move on and find real happiness and not at the cost of other people like it is now   **RELEVANT COMMENTS** [*Commenter 1 :*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/171rf8m/comment/k3tdfuu/) This will likely be downvoted into oblivion, but here we go. As seen in other comments, this is a very problematic OP, who is leaving out a huge part of the story as seen in their prior posts. The BIL is a massive douchebag abuser. He could have fucking unalived the sister over this, shit like that happens literally every day. Cheating isn't the right thing to do, but in this case, telling on your sister so "you can sleep better at night" is sanctimonious bullshit. How the hell could you have even lived with yourself if he had hurt her over this? She's your sister, sister. You shit the bed on this one, and if I were you, I would sort out my priorities and ask for forgiveness. Op, YTA x100. [*OOP:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/171rf8m/comment/k3tsh92/) He didn’t hurt her. I know my family very well including my BIL. He isn’t a violent man [*OOP:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/171rf8m/comment/k3ttx19/) No I didn’t and it sounds terrible. When I first saw her with her AP and she told me about her husband’s condition, I asked her why she doesn’t just leave and if she is afraid of him. She said no and that he is a good man. I regret my comment about him slapping her because it painted a different picture to those who want to defend cheating (for one reason or another)   [**Update2// Would I be the AH if I exposed my sister’s affair to her husband**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/update3_i_exposed_my_sisters_affair_to_her/) \- October 9th, 2023 (3 days later). **This update has since been removed, but its archived on OOP’s account** [**here.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawayAITA-SISTER/comments/17n68ii/update2_i_dont_know_why_it_was_removed_from_the/) Hi guys! Still getting a lot of messages about an update about my sister and her situation. I thank you for being so sympathetic and worried about my sister. I might have painted my brother in law to be abusive to my sister and I regret that. I just wanted to be as transparent as I could because they’re not here to tell their side of the story so I was trying to do my best to take in my sister’s and her husband’s POV. They are fine. My brother in law is very hurt and destroyed but he assured me that he wasn’t angry with me and that I did the right thing. Truth hurts sometimes is what he said. He’s planning on taking a break from his work and maybe go back home for a while. My sister is fine and not hurt. She doesn’t talk to me and I get that, but she is not harmed in anyway more than her heart, but let’s face it it was of her own doing, and I think she knows that because that’s what she told my parents. Her husband has suggested that they moved back to his hometown because I don’t think he can trust her staying in the same city as her lover, and as he said he can’t follow and spy on her all his life, but he is willing to forgive her because he loves her. My parents are very angry with my sister. They are not angry with me, however. The only thing they thought I could have done right differently is that I should have told them before I told my brother-in-law, because then they could they would have their own way to make my sister admit what she’s done to her husband at least it would have come from her. As her lover, I don’t know he’s married as I said in my previous post. I don’t have the details, but I know that my brother-in-law has texted him and told him to keep away from his wife. I have been on both his and his wife’s Instagram accounts and it seems like the wife knows now I don’t know if she will take him back or no5. The way he acted on our meeting, he didn’t seem to care either way. Boy, I hope he doesn’t have a prenup, and she takes him for all he got. That’s all I have for today. I won’t be making these frequent updates. If anything of significance happens will be updating in the future but right now I’m logging off. Thank you for listening. And thank you all who supporting me. I know what I did wasn’t the nicest or the kindest to my most beloved sister, but I had to do what I believed to be right and you don’t have to do with me. Peace and love   **RELEVANT COMMENTS** [*Commenter 1:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/173pf3p/comment/k537xsi/) hope she doesn’t get hurt. cheating is awful but so is your oh so great BIL putting hands on your sister before this happened [*OOP:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/173pf3p/comment/k54e3xx/) She is not getting hurt. She’s regretful of what she did but it is because she hurt her husband. &#x200B; 🔔🔔 [**Update3// I exposed my sister’s affair to her husband and now she has disappeared and refuses any contact**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/update3_i_exposed_my_sisters_affair_to_her/) \- November 3rd, 2023 (3 weeks later) 🔔🔔 **This update has since been removed, but its archived on OOP’s account** [**here.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawayAITA-SISTER/comments/17rj1ki/update3_it_was_removed_again_but_i_need_to_still/) Hi, I’m still getting some of you dming me about news. I wasn’t planning to update because I know that I’m not well liked here. This update will only be about facts since I no longer understand what’s going on. Everything is grey and I can’t for sure see black and white. For me infidelity is black and always will be. I however will update what happened without my own opinion. My sister and her husband decided to work on their marriage and they even moved back to her husband’s hometown. They were living with his parents until they find a new place. From what I understood (my sister refuses to talk to me) my brother in law hd made demands that she left her job (she met her affair through work). That is all I knew. My parents kept contact with my sister and her husband but she refused to talk to them too. Until last night when her husband called and said that my sister had run away. She left her phone behind and all her belongings and ran away in the middle of the night. My parents are frenetic. My sister had just talked to my mom for the first time since they moved less than two weeks ago and according to mom, she sounded fine and was talking about the new adjustments to a small town. BIL said that they had been fighting about her not wanting to stop working these past weeks. He went to bed yesterday and then woke up a couple of hours later and she was gone without even a note. This morning I felt I had to do something so I contacted the AP. He sent me a threatening dm saying that he and my sister will contact the police if we don’t leave them alone. I know where he lives (at least what complex) and probably my sister is there too. I asked to talk to my sister but he again said if any of us tried to contact her they will contact the police. So I guess she has left her husband now. My parents are freaking out and BIL is living with them now until he can get in touch with my sister.   🔔🔔 **RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP WITH MORE INFO** 🔔🔔 [*1:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7phebh/) I have told them that she is with AP. Because my mom was going mad not knowing where she is. I also showed them AP’s threats about calling the cops. He said that he wouldn’t let US hurt her again. And not to contact them again. I think my mom is trying to dm him because she is worried sick about my sister and she has called non emergency line for wellfare check on my sister because my sister is refusing to talk to anyone. But they couldn’t do anything because she is an adult. [*2:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7pjzb1/) I still don’t know much about AP’s family. His wife went private on her instagram account now. I have heard he has left and asked for divorce when it all started but some other people say he is still married. They are very private people and I can’t find much about them online. [*3:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7prabc/) I had to know if my sister was alright. That’s why I inserted myself this time. Stop now because she seems to be safe. I don’t want to tell my parents because they will tell BIL. And if my sister doesn’t want her husband to know where she was then it’s up to her. [*4:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7rg1gk/) I left her alone. I just was worried about her but now I know she is safe I will leave her alone. I just want her AP to answer me if she was abused when she moved away with her husband to make her run away this way. He hasn’t answered me yet. I asked my BIL and he said absolutely not. [*5:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7rk74x/) AP answered me now. Yes BIL has been abusing my sister when they moved to his home town. He took away all her electronics too. When my sister got to talk to mom yesterday, she aslo managed to send her AP a text so he drove to fetch her. Now he t he threatened to call the cops again. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know who’s right. I’m keeping out of this for good and I won’t be taking sides anymore [*6:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7ros7e/) Thank you. This is how I feel. I’m shocked by what BIL has done to my sister. I never knew and I trusted my sister and what she told us about him [*7:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7rq7a4/) That’s the rumor because AP and my sister aren’t speaking and AP’s wife made her social media accounts private now. When I met him with my sister he was still married but was talking about him and my sister coming clean and leaving their marriages. My sister got angry at him and told him no. I guess he went through with his plans of divorce. It wasn’t clear for me because these things don’t become public records until divorce is settled. For now it still says that he is married when you google him. Also that he is living with his family. But what I heard (mostly from people who know the wife) he has left his wife and filed for divorce. He moved out (I suspect to his apartment that I followed him and my sister to the day I caught them). When my sister left town he was still proceeding with his divorce (not defending my sister here but maybe he was done with his marriage either way?) My sister contacted him and told him that BIL was keeping her prisoner and abusing her so he drove to fetch her. I guess they are living together now and she is safe (if AP isn’t an abuser) I don’t trust cheating men to be good people &#x200B; **When asked why she keeps focusing on the cheating:** [*8:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7sj9y1/) Because I know how it feels. It broke me and I had to build myself from scratch. I know what cheating is and what it does to people. It’s one of the most traumatizing things to go through &#x200B; **When told that she should talk to her parents about her sister disclosing abuse:** [*9:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7rw8pc/) I don’t know if I could tell them. It was bad and I don’t know if my mom’s health could take it. &#x200B; [*Commenter 1:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7rx6lp/) But you weren’t worried about your mother’s health when you were running your mouth about her cheating? What about your mother’s health when it inevitably comes out that she’s been housing her daughter’s abuser so he can stay close? You’re still enabling his abuse and making any excuse you can to make your sister look like the bad guy and to protect him. [*10:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7rxku9/) Maybe I should tell them. My husband is angry with me because of everything that happened. He refuses to talk to me I have my own problems to sort now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know to what extent I should tell my parents. The whole thing or only that BIL have been abusing my sister and that’s it [*11:*](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17n5c1r/comment/k7t3agq/) My husband is going over this evening to tell them everything and to tell BIL to leave. **When asked for an update on what happened with her husband talking to her parents and telling BIL to leave:** [*12:*](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawayAITA-SISTER/comments/17rj1ki/comment/k8mcc8x/) He had a huge fight with them. My brother in law is still living with them and trying to involve the police saying that AP has kidnapped my sister. My parents didn’t believe my husband that BIL was hurting my sister so my husband got pissed and they had a huge fight. My husband refuses to talk to them now and said that he is done with my family. The AP’s wife has blasted my sister on social media with pictures and calling her a whore and a home wrecker, but these posts were deleted after maybe a day and the wife deleted her social media accounts. AP and my sister don’t talk to me and now AP has blocked me. **Reminder - I am not the original poster.** **Reminder to NOT comment on the OOP. Brigading is against the subreddit’s rules!**

NEW UPDATE: Would I be the AH if I exposed my sister’s affair to her husband?

NEW UPDATE

blindspottings

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17w3972/new_update_would_i_be_the_ah_if_i_exposed_my/

17w3kic

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Expensive_Pangolin60 in r/AITAH, r/abusiverelationships and her user account. trigger warnings: >!Financial abuse, emotional abuse, trauma, financial struggles, neglect, psychological manipulation!< mood spoilers: >!sad - but generally positive overall!< **Original BoRU is** [**here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/14o2fzk/wibta_for_calling_off_a_wedding_because_my_fianc%C3%A9/) **posted by** u/ParadoxicalState **\*\*New Updates are from 4th July 2023\*\*** [**WIBTA for calling of a wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/142h8xb/wibta_for_calling_of_a_wedding_because_my_fianc%C3%A9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) **- Tue, June 06, 2023** I 31F struggle with my fiancé’s 32M frugalness and not sure if I want to marry him anymore after 3 year relationship. Throwaway as my Fiancé follows my regular account. I met my Fiancé 3 years ago. He came out of an abusive marriage just 2 years before we met. One of her absolute abuses was financial. She bled him dry. Made him buy expensive jewelry only to give it away or break it after an argument. Designer shoes, clothes, big house cars… Caribbean trips. you name it she made him pay for it. She also took him to the cleaners in the divorce. However. My Fiancé is very well off. He makes far over 6 figures almost 7. On top of that he inherited a few millions from his grandfather and his parents gifted him and his siblings also a few cool millions. So yes the financial abuse was bad but he does not suffer financially. He has more money than he will ever need. So last year I moved into his house. I do not pay rent but I split the bills and buy food. I pay for my own clothes and jewelry. I have a good job and I can take care of myself. However things have been taking a turn for the worse and I feel miserable. His house was empty when I moved in. He had hand me down furniture. Maybe 3 forks and 2 knives. He wouldn’t put on the heating so the house felt cold and moldy. He has no curtains, no decorations. His ex took everything not bolted down and he was too cheap to replace it. Just imagine a million dollar house like that! I am grateful that I can live in his house. It is something I could never afford myself. But I didn’t want to live in squalor! So I bought some kitchen supplies, some furniture… but at some point I realized I was dipping in my savings all the time and he did nothing. I looked into curtains but those things are expensive. His house has so many windows it is crazy. I didn’t want to pay for this anymore. I told him I needed a fund to furnish his house. He blew up at me that I was just with him for his money. I pointed out all the money I spend on his house. The gifts and the trips because he pays for nothing ever. Because he wants to be sure I am not here for the money. The fact is, if we break up I have nothing… the house is not mine. If I spend all my savings on his house I will be left with absolutely nothing! He wants a prenup and I am fine with that but I can’t help but feel used. Next to that I am jealous of his ex wife. I feel like she got treated and I am neglected. He proposed to his ex on a cruise with a 10.000 dollar white gold diamond ring. I got the rhodium plated Swarovski stuff that might cost like 100 bucks. The proposal was at a picnic in the park I organized, payed groceries for and slaved in the kitchen for. I almost said no out of pure disappointment . However I am afraid to bring it up and to be called a golddigger. I don’t want to be funding a millionaire’s lifestyle. He loves everything as long as I pay for it. As soon as he has to pay it is frivolous, unnecessary…. I can live like a poor person by myself. At least the fact there are literal millions lying around doesn’t hang over me to bum me out.and I would just be paying for my own lifestyle. WIBTA for calling of a wedding purely for financial reasons. Because I love this man, but I imagine our cheap wedding in contrast to his ex her extravaganza, will our future kids be able to have some luxuries? Or only if I pay for it? What if I ever become a stay at home mom? Will I have to beg to put the heating on? Edited to answer questions I see a lot: I know the abuse is not made up. His family and friends told me seperate stories of the abuse they witnessed. Not only did it confirm it, it showed me she was way more terrible than I thought. Like stealing heirloom jewelry of his grandma with alzheimer right after she was widowed. Pretending she was gifted these things even though every one knew grandma hated her guts. I did not realize or see he is doing the same to me as she was to him and he is (subconsciously) punishing me for what was done to him. I am not trying to force a lifestyle in him where he was previously happy in. He told me prior to moving in that he left his house like this because he was depressed after his wife took everything ( even the curtains) that it makes him sad and he wants a cozy home. He just didn’t know where to start. His house is paid off, thanks to grand dad. He isn’t actually spending much on utilities either, house is very well isolated and has solar panels. It is weird to see how cheap being rich really is. I am not asking for designer furniture. Ikea all the way and I have refurbished second hand furniture myself. I am actually pretty thrifty . I see where my jealousy over the ex her lifestyle might have triggered some people. Let me explain. A 10.000 dollar ring is insane and stupid to me. I do not want that because I would fear for losing it every day. I don’t need an over the top wedding … however, it almost feels like for her he did effort. Wanted to give her what made her happy. Put effort and thought in it. With me it almost feels like he wants to prove how little he can give me. He talked about how he would see the wedding and it is cheaper than my actually financially struggling cousin her wedding. I can’t help but feel he wants to demonstrate how cheap he can treat me! And I already feel embarrassed about the family that would have been to both and I will feel like the discount wife. I don’t like to say it but it feels like he gets of on it to some extend. We are almost talking washing paper plates at this moment. Yes I did discuss selling the mansion I really don’t need and move to a more modest house. Especially knowing this is the house his ex picked. He doesn’t want to do that. He loves this house… but I feel really intimidated living in a house I could never afford anyway. And so many large windows… tjeesh I havn’t talked to him yet but pauze on the marriage and counseling is a must . I already am looking for IC because I realized I might indeed be too much of a people pleaser allowing him to control me with the ghost of his ex. I also am going to seperate for a while. I am looking to rent something for a few months so I can get some space. Thank you all for your insights ! **Notable Comments:** **SeniorDay** *NTA. - “I understand you’ve had some trauma in your past and I’m sorry you went through that. But I can’t allow you to mistreat me because of it. It burns me up inside that you gave her everything, but I have to beg for the bare minimum. I deserve to feel cherished by my partner, as I have cherished you.”* &#x200B; >OOP: > >Oomph that hit me right in the feels. &#x200B; **moth\_girl\_7** *Replying to add on to the above statement:* *“I am not with you because of the money you have, and if you can’t trust that then that’s something you need to work on. I cannot live without heat, furniture, curtains, and basic decency just to prove to you that I am not a financial abuser like your ex. It feels as if you are projecting that image onto me and that is unfair.” His way of coping is extremely unhealthy. What he should be doing is talking to a therapist about how he can communicate his needs to you, not shutting you out and behaving the complete opposite of how he did with this ex. He should set some healthy boundaries on how he spends his money, sure, but he also needs to acknowledge that you asking for some financial contribution to the house you live in isn’t the same as his ex demanding he take her on a cruise. He needs to find some ways he can feel appreciated when he does spend money on things you benefit from, and he needs to trust that he is in full control of his money, you have no desire to take that from him.* &#x200B; [**Update: WIBTAH for calling of my wedding because my Fiancé is extremely frugal**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Expensive_Pangolin60/comments/1490of6/update_wibtah_for_calling_of_my_wedding_because/) **- Sat, June 10, 2023** *Originally posted to* r/AITAH*, but was removed by the mods. Preserved on user's account.* Okay I hope this update makes sense because I am very confused and not really doing that well at the moment. Well Reddit you changed my life. thank you so much for all your ideas and insights. Honestly I don’t think I would have had the courage to do what I did without you guys. I went to therapy Took the day off just to get my racing mind to calm down. Therapy has confirmed things you guys suspected. I am a people pleaser, I wanted to “save” him and I have internalized the idea that any effort and every penny I want him to spend on me makes me a gold digger. I will have weekly sessions to work on me. I realized I would have never taken this treatment from any of my exes. Even though I made more then them. The idea I had to proof myself “ worthy “ to be with a millionaire and not be in there for the money got in to my head pretty early. I called one of his siblings I am pretty close with and just told her everything. She was not surprised but just sad about how unhappy he was making me. She told me that from the day we started he had this idea that “ I was out of his league”. He struggled to understand why I wanted to be with him and he probably just thought : it must be my money. She told me she already talked to him in the past to treat me better. She was furious about the proposal. This information confused me a little. I was a little hurt she never discussed any of this before but she thought it was none of her business. She also explained how she and her husband organized their finances. He also doesn’t have as much as her. I took the opportunity to pack a bag. I haven’t n’t found a place yet but I am going to stay with my parents. I made up my mind that I will at least want 6 months apart to get myself in order. I made sure my stuff was in the car because honestly I had no idea how the conversation would go. so into the most difficult part. The talk. I waited for him to come home. He was pretty late but I didn’t want to sleep another night on this. Pretending I was fine while I was contemplating all this just ate me up. I had written down what I wanted to say. I have never been so scared before. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t know how he would react. I took some advice from here. I opened that I was moving out and that I wanted to pauze our engagement. He was very quiet and just sat down. I told him he really hurt me by calling me a golddigger and that I am done walking on eggshells and feeling guilty for just wanting basic things. I told him I was unhappy and felt neglected. I also told him that after 3 years of me showing up for him he still doesn’t think I am here for him, it is not going to happen. He was just quiet. He didn’t say anything. I told him that the constant comparing to his ex was unhealthy and unfair.Punishing me for her sins was abusive. I told him comparing her to me all the time has triggered me comparing myself to her and starting to feel like she was worth more than me. One of the things about her was mostly ungratefulness. He would do nice things for her but it was never enough. The thing is, he doesn’t do nice things for me and I have to be grateful for the pleasure of picking up the bill. I told him he was not ready for marriage. That I dreaded having kids with him and live like this. That is didn’t trust he would take care of me if I would become a SAHM. And at that point I just called him abusive and a user. I was getting pretty angry saying all this out loud. Losing my composer and script a little bit. He remained quiet with almost no emotion on his face. I stayed quiet but nothing came out so I decided that I would just leave. Only when I got up to go he said please don’t go. He asked me if I was pausing the wedding or calling it of. He wanted to know if it was over or if he still had a shot. I told him I wanted out of this house. I honestly don’t want to live in his ex her palace of sadness anymore. I needed him to go to therapy and especially financial therapy. I needed a separation. I told him I was open to couples counseling if he went into IC. He begged me not to do the separation but honestly I really really wanted it. I just told him to think about it and I left him. He was finally showing some emotions. He was crying at this point. He sent me a very long text somewhere in the AM. Told me he was a wreck and couldn’t sleep. He made all kinds of promises. He would go into therapy, sell his house, buy a smaller one and make sure I am taken care of whatever happens. He said he would help me decorate and we will make a home. He again asked me to please come “home”. But to me it doesn’t feel like home there anyway. I feel very empty and tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I feel guilty but also a little bit relieved if that makes sense.I don’t know if I actually want back if he does all that. Idk I am a little unsteady right now. I need some time to proces. I will go back for the kitchen supplies and my tv. I won’t take anything else of the furniture. This for the exact same reason I was unwilling to buy everything: his house is huge so the couch is huge … I can’t take it. &#x200B; \*\***New Updates Start Here\*\*** [**Update2 : WIBTAH for calling of my wedding because my Fiancé is extremely frugal**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Expensive_Pangolin60/comments/14qcrp9/update_2_thank_you_all_for_your_support_not_much/) **- Tue, Jul 04 2023** Hi everybody. Let me just say I am overwhelmed by the number of people really caring about me and asking for updates. Strangers who care about you is a feeling like no other thank you! So as I said I left. I am looking for an apartment I can afford. My parents are helping out. I am living with them and saving up. I am not closing all doors but as for now we are broken up. I have no contact. The first week he transferred a large amount to my account. It really rubbed me the wrong way. It just showed me that he still thought that money was what kept me here. I deducted the couch I left and transferred everything else back I asked for no contact after this. He has been respectful of it and I feel free at the moment. I felt guilty for my needs. For wanting to be taken out every once and a while. The longer I am out the harder I realize it was abuse. I have an autoimmunity problem and the cold house caused it to flare up. Even after that he kept turning the heat down. He rather have me miserable than pay what? 100 dollars extra in the end of the year? The last thing I heard is that he put the palace of sadness on the market. I have seen the adds so happy he is going through with that. I heard of his sister that he is in therapy. I am happy for that and I hope he keeps that up! He is keeping his promises so far but I need to see real change and even then I really don’t know. I am building my own life by myself. Thinking about getting a puppy. If I give him another shot. It has to start all from scratch. I want to start dating again and take it slow. Therapy is really a good idea. I now know I was just bringing this on myself as a people pleaser. Savior… wanting this man to be happy so bad I forgot about myself. Never again. So that is all there is to say really **Comments:** **gurlwithdragontat2** *Best of luck! Please never forget your worth again, because others will shortchange you if so.* &#x200B; >OOP : > >True! I allowed this from day one and let him play his fantasy revenge on me. The red flags were there so early. Loving ourselves is the key to a happy life &#x200B; ​ **SummerFlip** *My question is, did you previously communicate your feelings before just ending it? Did you wait until you stopped loving him?* &#x200B; >OOP: > >I did. Multiple times. I had a few break downs where I told him I was unhappy especially when my autoimmunity disease just kicked into high gear I told him I was done being cold. Then the discussions started about what is cold and I had to negotiate a temperature setting he was okay with , he would still turn it down behind my back. > >The curtains were just the last straw for me. He was giddy and happy about all other changes I made to his home with my money I thought it would not be so weird to ask him to pitch in right? I had done so much, sacrificed so much and he still blew up at me? > >What kind of golddigger pays for everything for 3 years? If I was one I was really bad at it > >So yes I communicated, over and over and nothing changed. I am pretty shocked he is actually doing something right now but honestly I think it is a little too late. I don’t want to shut the door completely but I will never ever be cold in my life ever again &#x200B; [**Financially abusive fiancé : It’s over for good, my final update**](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/16oooon/financially_abusive_fianc%C3%A9_its_over_for_good_my/) **Thur, Sep 21 2023** Thank you for everyone reaching out to me. I have closed in on a little apartment for myself. I got a puppy. After being in a home where I was truly loved: my parents I realized how sad, cold and alone I had been. Over time I went blind for a lot of things. Blind to a comfortable home temperature. Comfortable with thinking about every penny spend. Feeling guilty for buying that dress I wanted for so long that was finally on sale. Feeling entitled for wanting date nights… being treated sometimes. I started to think about what makes me happy. I love to travel, dress up to go to a nice restaurant. Throw dinner parties, entertain people, think about Christmas gifts 6 months in advance. Have a cosy house…. And I realized just how much he had taken from me with that one little sentence: is that really necessary… Is anything ever? If you have a roof, food, bed and a TV you are there right? Is travel necessary? Is having nice clothes necessary? Is a shower necessary? A haircut? A party? A hobby? A wedding? No! I know now that abusers are not per definition bad people. He is broken and he has trauma I have no time or energy for. He got free from abuse and decided to become the abuser. I know he is in therapy and we initially agreed on 6 months no to low contact. But I felt I was certain it was not for me anymore and I didn’t want to keep him dangling. Breaking up with him was very hard. It made me very sad. I never wanted to hurt him and I loved this man very deeply. I wanted us to be each others happy ever after. We both came from dark places and I wanted us to thrive together. His family told me I was the one, I was everything he was looking for and I felt so lucky. But we only have 1 life and he has so much work to do before he even becomes the bear minimum of what I needed. I feel failed. Like my story has a bad ending. I feel very broken and sad. I will take my time to just be me. I hope he does the same. I truly hope he finds the one and becomes happy. Mostly I hope that for myself but for now I am enough by my self with the pupper! Thank you all for your time and support. I am going to have a little cry in some furbaby’s fluffy fur &#x200B; **Comments :** **NolaCat94** *This is so far from a bad ending. A bad ending would've been staying until nothing was left of you. A bad ending would've been him bleeding you dry and you being stuck. You put yourself first and that will always be good. And to add to the positivity, this is probably the kick he needed to get past his trauma.* &#x200B; >OOP : > >I think you are spot on. He has said these things himself. He didn’t know how bad he was until he came home to me leaving. He has told me he hates himself for letting me walk and letting me be this miserable. He is in therapy ( as far as I know because I am No contact ) and I hope he does well. > >I really felt once I was out how much of myself was lost. I went through quite a dark time realizing how far I went for this man. But I am getting better. &#x200B; **ZestyLemonAsparagus** *It does feel like a sad ending, I get the sadness of knowing the magical ending wasn’t going to happen, of the hope that he would see the light and make the changes he needed to in order to make you feel valued. But at the end of the day it’s a happy ending as well, you have a puppy who loves you and he demonstrated through his anger that he still holds his values of stinginess higher than he holds you, so you don’t have to wonder. This really, really feels like the ending of Inside Out, where a core memory comes in and it is a mix of Joy and Sadness. And sadness isn’t bad, sadness helps us remember what is important. You are important. I’m happy for you that you have been able to connect with the things that bring you joy, and surrounded yourself with them.* *But… please stay open. I know you have joked that you are fine being single forever, and if that is the course of your life, then that’s all well and good. Being single doesn’t mean lonely as you truly know while you entertain in your apartment. Guard yourself against become a version of your ex in the same way he became a version of his ex, not that you would abuse others but that you would abuse yourself by closing yourself off from people to keep yourself safe. You deserve that joy, and all the happiness in the world.* &#x200B; >OOP: > >Thank you. I will be open to someone again but only when it comes out of a place of “ wow this person is something else” not interested in anything else. > >I know now I ran past several red flags just because this man could give me the life I dreamed of. Married, nice house, some kids. A life with no worries … but he was not that man. > >He has send me letters upon letters how sorry he is, taking accountability. But I can’t anymore. I just don’t want to try again. I hope he does well for himself. He is in therapy and doing his best. I hope he is happy one day. I just don’t want to be part of it anymore. > >So yes it is no Disney ending. But it is also not my ending. It is a real beginning &#x200B; **Ok-Act-8736** *He’s now taking accountability? Last time he was angry at you for not respecting what je can do with his money* &#x200B; >OOP: > >Yep he is very sorry about that. He doesn’t know why reacted like that. He is ashamed about it. Money suddenly doesn’t matter to him anymore. These are all things in his texts letters and phone calls. > >But it has been a while since I have had contact with him. > >Even if he changes a lot now… my question is : why couldn’t he do that then. I got sick, when I got sad and told him I was unhappy… why can he only change when he is in pain because I left? > >That says it all. > >I really hope he finds himself and that he will be happy in the future but I don’t want to be part of it anymore **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

[Final Updates] WIBTA for calling off a wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?

NEW UPDATE

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17w3kic/final_updates_wibta_for_calling_off_a_wedding/

17w4a9a

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwraforgotten in r/offmychest and his user account trigger warnings: >!emotional neglect, death of a parent, suicidal thoughts!< mood spoilers: >!still sad, but some hope!< **The original BoRU is** [**here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15k1xyo/i_am_done_and_im_am_heartbroken_i_have_no_one/) **posted by** u/Yueel **New Updates are from 2nd November 2023** &#x200B; [**I am done, and I'm am heartbroken. I have no one.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/14id5sv/i_am_done_and_im_am_heartbroken_i_have_no_one/) **- 25 June 2023** I have been married for 15 years. I have known my wife since I was 8. We have 3 daughters together. 17, 14, and 11. I'm tired of feeling like I'm an outsider in my relationships with all of them. I'm just an ATM and taxi service to my kids. My wife hasn't kissed me in 6 months. She has not said that she loves me in 1.5 years. No matter how much I communicate, try to plan anything or do anything it is always shot down, forgotten, or dismissed. I don't get angry in don't yell. I don't get physical. I like to splurge during birthdays and mothers Day. I throw parties and give gifts and try to show how much I love them. I get a lukewarm, thanks, and if I'm lucky, a side hug that lasts .0001 seconds. This week was the breaking point. Father's Day. I wake up to an empty house. Odd. No note, nothing was written on the calendar, and nothing said beforehand. I send a text, and I get back. "I took the girls out for a spa day, don't wait up." Then nothing, literally nothing. Dinner time comes around, and they get home. How their say was (it was fine). I ask what they would like for dinner. "Nothing we already ate at \[one of my favorite restaurants\]." Cool, whatever. There is no mention of it being fathers Day. No, I love you, how are you. Nothing. Fast forward to Wednesday. Which was my birthday. Nothing. Literally again, nothing. I suggested plans. They get shot down. I suggested food. Nope, shot down. Ask about watching a movie they are all too busy (they just sat on their phones doing nothing). Now to Thursday night. I'm in bed. My wife is next to me. She rolls over and says in a crappy tone. "Oh, your birthday was the other day. I guess you expect to have sex." That broke something in me(best of my memory of how it went down) I said "no I don't expect sex. At this point, I don't expect anything anymore." Her "what is that supposed to mean?" So I started asking her questions When was the last time we shared a kiss? (Like a week? Nope, it was in December, and it was during her parents' holiday party) When was the last time we had sex? (The beginning of the year? Nope, wrong it has been over a year. She was adamant that we did it in February. I was dealing with my moms health and her passing. So I said something like, "You may have had sex but it wasn't with me.") When was the last time you said you love me? ("I say it all the time." Not to me, check your messages/you don't say it to me face to face. "Well, you should just know I do.") When was the last time we went on a date? (LONG pause) Her: You're being unfair. Emotions turned on fully. I was crying and raising my voice at this point. It asks her how? She can't answer. I asked her how wanting any sign of love from anyone in the house is unfair. If expecting anything for my birthday or Father's Day was unfair. (She got an oh shit look) Yeah, you forgot that as well. I'm not an ATM, I'm not a taxi service, I'm not a punching bag. She asked why this was coming up "out of the blue." It didn't. I have tried to talk to my family and again get dismissed or ignored. I brought up examples. I got an "I didn't know you were serious." "I didn't know it was such a big deal." I left saying something to the point of "If you want to pretend that I'm invisible and don't exist fine, you don't have to pretend anymore." I left the house at almost midnight. On Thursday/ Friday morning. Haven't been home since. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm finally sober enough to think, but I don't know what to do(first time drinking in over 15 years BTW, and i'm not going to drink anymore) I love my family. But I can't keep this up. I don't know what more I can do. I think they would be happier without me. They already act like I don't exist. I can't be the one who is blamed for everything. If I truly am the problem then me not being there should fix it. I can't do it anymore. I have tried to be a good provider, a good partner, and a good dad. Never missed an event of our kids. Never prioritize work. I kept good hours so I could see them more. Took on more responsibility to better our life and future. But, it is never appreciated. It is never enough. I am never enough. I only have one message from my wife "I'm sorry for making you feel that way. We all love you, and we are here for you when you want to come home and talk." That is it. No other messages. No calls. Nothing from the kids. I feel like if they really wanted me there, they would try reaching out more. All of the kids have their own phone. I don't know what she told them. I'm sure they heard me raise my voice. Me raising my voice would have definitely got their attention since i never do. I'm sure they heard me leave. I just don't know. Eta. Thanks, everyone. I did not think anyone would care. You have given me some hope and advice I'm going to look into. I don't know how to respond to a lot of the comments (I know how to just not in words). I'm going to try to figure thing out more. I'm now 100% sober, so my mind, I clearer. I'm going to start meeting with people on Monday and try to come up with options. &#x200B; [**Update I am done and I'm am heartbroken. I have no one.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15e5vku/update_i_am_done_and_im_am_heartbroken_i_have_no/) **- 31st July 2023** I have not been well. But am doing better. You guy's have helped me a lot and it means more than you know. I was able to get help through my work they have resources for both therapy as well as legal counsel. But somehow my boss found out I was reaching out and now won't leave me alone but that's unimportant. I know she only has good intentions. So far, I like the new therapist I was able to get an appointment with (I thought there would be a long wait list). She recommended a family/spousal therapist as she focuses more on individuals. I talked to them as well. I got referred to divorce lawyers. I don't want to use them, but I had a talk with them and got an idea of what that route would be like. I'll be like 70% screwed. But we are an at fault state, so if it turns out she is cheating, I'll be okay ish. My kids did reach out after a few days worried. I told them I'm fine, do truly love them, and miss them but needed space and time. For the first time ever, I missed some of their extracurricular activities. I think that is what made them understand something was really wrong. Some other family members/"friends" noticed and started asking questions to all involved. My kids also mentioned how things were not the same without me around, and my wife was struggling. My wife reached out a few times just checking in, "apologizeing," giving me updates on things, and a couple of the times, she asked about the 4th of July. We usually host a party/BBQ. I said I wasn't interested. But, I said that her and I needed to talk alone in person. That happened the weekend after the 4th. Apparently, she was planning the 4th as a surprise bday party for me (after I had left) to make up for forgetting my birthday. But I ruined it as I didn't go and wasn't interested. When we met up to talk, she wasn't alone and brought the kids. I was happy to see them. They seemed happy to see me as well. But I asked for my wife and I to talk alone. When I pointed this out, she said the kids missed me, and it was fine. we can talk with them here.(I believe it was more of a manipulative move). I explained that this was another example of how my feelings or wants get ignored and cast aside. How I have been ignored for a while and how that is not right by anyone. She kept apologizing. I said while I acknowledged the apologies, I don't accept them. Most of the apologies, to me, feel like they are not real. Such as her initial "apology" of "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or they asound forced/just sayong what she thinks i want to hear. Actions speak louder those empty words. I also said that she is setting an example and expectations on how I'm treated and how our daughters will see and treat me and their future relationships. As of now, no one should be treated this way. I think at this point, my wife regretted bringing the kids. My 14 year old took my 11 year old for some snacks. My 17 year old stayed. I flat out asked if there was anyone else. If she was cheating physically/ emotionally or otherwise. She looked like I had just slapped her. She said she would never do that. I asked why she was so adamant about us having sex if February (daughter left at this point) when it has been longer. Why has every part of our romance died within a year span from her part. She didn't know. We talked for an additional 20 min. I finally took out two folders I had with me. One was a separation document (not quite a divorce, but halfway to it). The other was therapist referrals for individuals and couples. I needed her to understand how serious I/this situation was. I asked her to look over each other and ask herself what she wanted. But she had to make the decision and schedule the appointments. I explained that I'm done living this way, and if she chooses to stay with me, then there are going to be major changes occurring both in our relationship and at home. I love the woman I married, had kids with, and built a life together. But I don't know where she went. My kids came back, and my 11 year old was mad I wasn't going back with them that night. I gave my wife time. She contacted me the next day, saying she has made appointments for herself and for her and I. She explained that she set up some bi-weekly individual therapy and we have our first couples therapy early next month. The reason for the wait was so she could establish/work on herself first. I have been using the "Gray Rock" method towards her since the initial incident per yours and my therapist's recommendations. So, it's still a work in progress. I'm not in as dark of a place as I was when I first posted. Some things are better than it was. I'm willing to put in the work, but it won't be one-sided. There is a plan moving forward, so that's a plus. I have been home for a week now but am sleeping in a different room. Some changes have been put in place already, but time will be the real test. As a side notw on the second night of me being back she actually tried to initiate sex but I said no that it wasn't the time or place for that. We had a lot to work out before that can happen. As always, piece, love, and chicken grease. &#x200B; **\*\*New Update Starts Here\*\*** [**I'm alive. And have an update.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwraforgotten/comments/17ml424/im_alive_and_have_an_update/) **- 2nd November 2023** &#x200B; >After the first post, I planned and almost committed to ending things that night. I think they would be happier without me. They already act like I don't exist. I can't be the one who is blamed for everything. I can't do it anymore. I kept going over and over in my head. If I was gone, then their problems would be solved. They could move on with a new dad/husband who they would love more than me. Who they would show more love than they have showed me. I was the cause of everything that went wrong in their life. My wife probably has a replacement that could just step in and be a real dad and husband to them. Something snapped me out of it. It still sounds weird, but it was as if I could see/hear my 11 year old. She has been the one who has made me feel loved, wanted, and cared for throughout most of this. Both before and after I left. From what I now understand, my wife was pushing for them to "give me space." But my youngest wouldn't accept it. She kept pushing for them to reach out, track me down, and find me. She had a weird feeling. I initially hid the fact that I was to the point of ending things to my therapist. After my last update, I told her. She could tell I wasn't as open with her until that point. That changed the tone of our sessions. I have a better understanding and more tools I can use to reconize and help deal with those negative and dark emotions. With that came some diagnosis. On to my wife. She did commit to her individual therapy. I started to see some changer in her. She has been treating me better. Things were going in more of a positive direction. I still shut down forward advances from her. I found out her therapist was also telling her to stop and earn my trust and that we had to rebuild up to that. But that makes her feel unloved and unwanted. Ironic. I looked into it if she was cheating, and I found nothing. No text, messages, emails, unexplained expenses, weird locations, absences, photos, apps, nothing. So she is either really good at covering her tracks or she didn't cheat. I expressed that if it ever came out, she did cheat on me it was over. The first couples session was a long one. The first hour was individual with me. Then my wife. Then both of us. It was useful and helped, but not much. Same with the second session. Which was 2 hours together. The 3rd was a shit show. This was just after I opened up with my individual therapist about my self-harm thoughts. I just opened up to men and told them everything. Where my head was at. My thoughts at the time. How close I came. What stopped me. How long I had thought about it. Everything. My wife looked at me with a sense of horror. She looked at me and started yelling and kept repeating, "How could I(me/OP) be so selfish?" Theripist calmed her down, and I started talking again. I went deeper into how badly my wife and kids hurt me. That there is no way she didn't know about fathers Day or my birthday. How I still suspect that she has been cheating on me. How the dark thoughts started after my mother passed away and my wife stopped being my wife. I don't know what happened to my wife. The woman I loved disappeared. She has been gone for a while/checked out. My wife was loving, playful, honest, trustworthy, a fantastic partner, and the love of my life. I can't be with this stranger she became. I just went off and unloaded. The therapist said we needed a break to cool down and meet back in 5 minutes. I walked out. I it was being immature, childish, and an AH move. I when I cooled down enough, I saw I had a bunch of missed calls and texts. My 17 year old ended up picking me up since my car was at home. It was the first time she saw me actively cry. I think that got her to understand how much weight was crushing me. How much their actions have caused me pain. We ended up parked somewhere and just talked. We talked for a long while. More than we had in a long time. I got more out of that conversation that I have in the last few years. We got back home, and my other two kids ran to me and hugged me. Not like the side hug. But an actual hug. That felt so good. My wife approached me slowly and asked for a hug as well. I gave her half of one and she started crying. We, as a family, hung out for a while, and when bedtime came around, my wife asked to talk. She did say that she thought she was losing me around when my mom passed. That I had checked out of our marriage. But didn't go in to detail. She said she is still working through some things and when she has a better understanding her self she will bring to the table. She then broke down. She said that she really didn't know how bad it was. She is sorry. But vowed to do anything she can to make it up to me and be a better partner. She is trying. I do see improvement. But why did it have to get to this point? But now I'm so numb that I keep asking myself if she really ment that or if they are just empty words. I dont know if that is the medication talking or how im thinking now days. Some days I feel like my mind is like when an old TV has the static because of bad signal. My kids overall are doing better. I still question the older ones sometimes, but I think it is me overthinking. School and activities are keeping them busy. But one thing that keeps bothering me is I can tell they are walking on egg shells around me. It bothers me. Its like im a jack in the box and they are waiting for me to pop out at them. Therapy(s) is helping over all it just takes time. My therapist said it is like I have been an actor playing a character for so long that I don't know how to be myself. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but I feel the truth in it. I need to find myself first and then work on other relationships. My wife and I did go on a date. She planned it, and it was fun. I had a genuine smile. But in the back of my mind, I was wondering if this was for me or for the US? I am not sure what will happen in the future. Time will tell. &#x200B; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

[New Update] - I am done, and I'm am heartbroken. I have no one.

NEW UPDATE

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17w4a9a/new_update_i_am_done_and_im_am_heartbroken_i_have/

17welqu

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/girlatthegym67, **Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole and r/AITAH [**Previous BoRU**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17lv40q/aita_for_storming_out_of_my_fathers_house_after/) **NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ---** **AITA for storming out of my Father's house after finding out he's reconciled with my Mother?** Trigger Warnings: >!child abandonment, child neglect, overdose, drug addiction, emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, significant age gaps!< &nbsp; **RECAP** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/177ecol/aita_for_storming_out_of_my_fathers_house_after/) - **October 13, 2023** I (20F) was raised by my Father (49M) alongside my older brothers, Lyle and Kyle(both 23M, they're twins). Mom left us shortly after I was born so I've never really had a maternal figure growing up. I've tried to ask my Dad why Mom left, but he would always try to dodge the question. Anyways, this kinda of messed me up a little bit as a kid because I would always blame myself for her leaving. And it also didn't help that my older brothers would always use the ole trusty. "You're why Mom left!" Card in arguments. During my middle school years, my Mom began to call me and my brothers. She swore up and down for years that she wanted me back in her life but didn’t make any effort to get to know me. So that woman broke a lot of promises with me and my brothers. The last straw for me was when she didn't come to a beauty pageant I’d been excited for for months. I know that sounds really petty, but at the time, it was really important to me, and she swore up and down that she would come. Of course, she broke that promise, too. So when Mom called to "apologize" for not, I let that woman have it. I think the call almost lasted an hour and a half, and it was mostly just me cussing her out. Obviously, ever since that phone call, I've been no contact with her. But a few days ago, my Dad texted me if I wanted to have dinner with him and the boys, saying that he was going to make my favorite meal. Of course, I agreed. I walk in the house, and I hear my dad and my brothers talking. Nothing unusual, of course, but then I hear a woman laugh. So I walked to the kitchen and saw my Dad, Lyle and Kyle laughing and talking with my mother. So, at this point, I'm pissed and confused. And I think I thought out loud because I said "What the fuck is she doing here." Everyone immediately becomes silent, until Dad starts talking. Basically he says that I need to watch my tone, and that all they want to do is talk to me about their future. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Then, my mother had the great idea to drop the bombshell that her and dad got back together and had been dating for months. I think you can understand how gooped I was from this information. But then Lyle tells me that basically everyone in the immediate family knew about the relationship besides me because "they were worried about how I would react." So I'm still standing there, shaking with rage. So when my dad tried to grab my arm to sit me down so we could "talk", I snatched it back and basically stormed out the house. Now, I've been bombarded from texts from my dad and Lyle, saying I was immature and made mom cry. My friends are 50/50 on it. So Reddit, AITA? **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** ***many_hobbies_gal:** NTA for how you feel, they blindsided you and then blamed you for your reaction. If you choose to have nothing to do with your mother, you shouldn't have too. Realize your father is an adult, free to be involved with whomever he chooses.* >**OP:** I know he's a grown man,but I just don't understand what he sees in her! She literally left him with three kids to raise all by himself, but now that they're all grown up, she wants to come back? > >This whole situation just has me in a tizzy tbh ***ConfusedAt63:** It would have been better for your dad to talk to you alone. The fact that the all kept if from you was inconsiderate of you. I am sorry, I’ve been there in the sense of being left out or always the last to know. Be strong* >**OP:** Thank you > >I just feel so upset and confused with them right now because they never kept anything like this from me! Usually, my Dad's addressing matters with all of us. ***k5hill:** Info: Was your mother in prison? I’m wondering if she was and your dad has been in touch with her, visiting even, all this time.* >**OP:** Honestly, I'm not sure if she was. > > My dad always said that Mom lived over the next state or something. That's all the information he would give me or my siblings &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17hd23c/update_aita_for_storming_out_of_dads_house_after/) - **October 26, 2023** So, before I get into anything, I just wanted to think everyone for the kind words and reassurement. I wasn't really expecting it at all. I also want to apologize for the late response to everything! I've been busy so much with work and other things that I just haven't had the time. Anyways, with your guys's advice, I texted my Dad and told him that I wanted answers about what the hell was going on. He agreed, but he said he wanted to have the dinner over at his place and I had to tell him that he lost that trust when he tried to back me into a corner! He came over to my apartment, I had my friend (M,24) stay in my sewing room for protection. Dad just started sobbing, begging for forgiveness. He kinda went on about how he just wanted us to be the family that we were twenty years ago, the family I don't even remember. And to let you guys know, these were definitely not crocodile tears. So I hugged him to calm him down, but I had to put my foot down and tell him I wanted answers not tears. He calmed himself a little bit down an explain everything that I asked to me. Mom was very young when she got together with Dad, with a significant age gap. They started dating right after her high school graduation. 2.My Mother had a history of drug addiction, something I had suspected. She overdosed once, and my Dad had to rush her to the hospital. The twins suffered during this period. 2.I was an unplanned pregnancy, and my parents decided to put my Mother in rehab during her pregnancy. She remained miserable, and she ran away to Florida after my birth. 3 Recently, my Mom got clean, got a job, and wanted to apologize to my Dad. They rekindled their relationship and decided it would be best to let the twins know first before they tell me.. It was nice to have this information and I thanked him for it, but I told him that why didn't she apologize to the kids whose hearts that she broke constantly. Of course, he started the back pedal, saying that I just needed to give her a chance to prove herself because the twins already have! Plus it was a really shitty move not to even mention to me that Mom was back! And I had to explain to him that I have given another chance, way too many times. And that she destroyed that bridge beyond repair. But I also did tell him that I wasn't going to cut them off for it but "Mom" was just going to be the new woman and that we needed to go to therapy without Mom before we continued anything. Dad was a little upset when I lay down this information to him but he did agree on the therapy and said he would tell Lyle and Kyle about it. He did told the twins, Kyle was down but Lyle was MAD. He tried calling multiple times, and wouldn't pick up he started texting me horrible things. Basically boiling it all down to me being a spoiled brat that needs to get over the past. I gave him a piece of my mind before I blocked him, and we've been NC since. We also had our first therapy session! And it wasn't groundbreaking, it was just kind of like a introduction type thing and kind of addressing what we want to work on. I showed her my post (when I was alone with her) to give her more context because I can be scattered brain at times. She says she definitely wants to go deeper on my feelings about my mother, alongside my father and brothers if possible. I'll try to give more updates if possible. **Relevant Comments** ***waitagoop:** I hope the therapy helps, this sounds like the most positive outcome anyone could have hoped for tbh, especially ‘mom’. You’re definitely owed a huge apology from her, multiple. It strikes me to not be so hard on your dad, he has clearly loved her this whole time. And Lyle probably saw how hurt and damaged he was after she left, so is happy for him. You are one family but all experienced and saw different things in this situation. I’m sorry your dad couldn’t articulate that she didn’t leave because of you though, so confusing for a young child and such an easy fix with the right words!* >**OP:** Thank you! It's also been helpful during this situation to see Dad's side of things. Makes me put things in perspective, but at the moment, I just can't bring myself to have anything to do with my mother. > >And it also didn't help that Lyle went ape shit on me as well. I'm just hoping everything falls into place in the future ***NextWelder4653:** Question: Did Kyle ever apologize for what he said to you? Lyle is a lost cause, but I think there's hope for Kyle. Your dad, "mom," and brothers need to understand that forgiveness is on your time, not their's. Just because they've forgiven her doesn't mean you immediately have to. I'm glad that your dad and Kyle are willing to go to therapy. Don't let anyone pressure you to forgive your mother. Also, if you haven't, let your dad know what Lyle said because that is not okay.* >**OP:** Kyle has apologized to me, we've always been closer to each other *Commentator gives advice about OOP’s dad not being honest with all three kids (OOP and twin brothers) with guilt involved. OOP’s dad is letting OOP being the punching bag and having the twin brothers blame and bullying OOP for their mother leaving. Family owes OOP an apology. One brother believes that OOP should let mom back in her life which OOP doesn’t want to.* >**OP:** I've had to go No Contact with Lyle with some of the shit he said. Literally, threatening me over this. > >I just don't understand how he could say a lot of the things he said to his own little sister, I guess he really does blame me or something. > >I do want to say I have hope for my father and Kyle. --- # NEW UPDATE: [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/user/girlatthegym67/comments/17rfbny/small_update_to_aita_for_storming_out_of_my/?share_id=hoqf2vYiypjZz93XNCn0v&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 9, 2023** So I decided to upload this onto my profile since a lot of people want to know how I'm doing and it's not that big for a AITAH post. Firstly, I'm doing pretty well! My time has been completely taken over at the salon that I work at. Christmas is just around the corner and I have stuff and materials that I need to get lol. But don't worry, I've been making time for therapy with Kyle and Dad. We've been going once a week and I think it's been helping alot. The Therapist has been helping me walk through my feelings about Mom. She's also been helping my Dad and Kyle as well! Kyle has since apologize to me about everything basically. He's even opened up about his feelings and opinions about Mom also. Though we're in in a similar boat when it comes to that, Kyle more anxious and scared about Mom leaving again then mad like me. I'm still 50/50 on my Dad, he has apologized for ganging up on me but hasn't sat down to talk with Mom and Lyle. Kyle literally had to be the one yell at Lyle for basically going full psycho on me. Speaking of Lyle, he still mad at me and still isn't joining us for therapy. Apparently from what Kyle said, he's now mad at me "turning the family against him and Mom"💀 I've been NC with him and have blocked on everything, while Kyle has Low Contact since seeing how he's been treating me. I'll post next time in AITAH if I have a bigger update. But for the smaller ones I think I'll just post them on my account. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

[NEW UPDATE] - AITA for storming out of my Father's house after finding out he's reconciled with my Mother?

NEW UPDATE

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17welqu/new_update_aita_for_storming_out_of_my_fathers/

17wem3b

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Mdizzle19](https://www.reddit.com/user/Mdizzle19/). She posted in r/entitledparents **Trigger Warning:** >!emotional abuse!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!frustrating and confusing, but OOP will be ok!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/161fwmt/my_parents_dont_like_my_boyfriend_so_they_gave_me/)**: August 25, 2023** Looking for experience and opinions. All are welcome. I’ll try to make a long story short. I am an only child and My current boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years, starting when I was 19 and he was 20. We met at junior college where we started dating and after that we went to different UCs but within an hour of each other. My parents met him early on by joining us at dinner, everything seemed to go well. Then soon after, we went to his parents house who live about 2 hours from my parents so I could meet his family, and after learning this my mom told me how hurt she was that we didn’t come to see them too. I expressed that this weekend was for me to meet his family, but it was clear that she felt almost betrayed. Fast forward, my parents invite me up to our cabin and my boyfriend joins, we take my car because it was already loaded with laundry etc. After we arrive, my dad pulls me aside and pretty much quietly yells at me how wrong it is that I drove and that we took my car. “He’s the man, he should be driving” blah blah blah. This started everything going forward on a sour note. The cabin is in Tahoe, (it gets cold in the winter) so my boyfriend wore a sweatshirt with his hood up during some of the time at the cabin. My parents to this day, site this as weird and rude as well as a reason they don’t like him. As we continue our relationship it’s clear that my parents don’t like him, but they can’t really give up what I would call good or justifiable reasons. They’ll say he’s just not a good “fit for the family”. They don’t tell me to stop dating him (because they can’t, I’m an adult) but they do tell me that I need to keep them and him separate. They don’t want to really hear about him and he’s not welcome at their house or cabin. *he’s never cheated on me, abused me, he has no drug problems etc. nothing that a normal parent would site as a problem.* Eventually it became an ultimatum given to me by my parents. They’d tell me that if you continue to date him, eventually it will be either him or us and you’ll have to choose. Among other things they would tell me that he’d never be an attorney, which is what he wanted to do, and insinuating that he probably wouldn’t be much of anything at all. After undergrad I started working at a financial firm. He graduated from undergrad at UC Berkeley and was accepted to law school across the country. We were always very serious about each other and made the decision to do long distance until he graduated and moved back to Ca. My boyfriend has since graduated from and Law School, moved home, and took the bar last month. *He starts work this October, and had a contract since last year. They have known about this as well.* Now, 6 years into our relationship I call my parents and tell them that we are going to be moving in together. About 20 minutes later I get a text, from my mom, saying that she doesn’t want to rain on my parade but that this “path” excludes her and my dad from my future. That they love me but they can’t be in my life if I choose to be with my boyfriend. I told them I would never understand. Since then, they have sent me more and more text messages saying stuff like “we feel like we’re losing our daughter” “this is heartbreaking” etc. and all at the same time including that this is “my choice” and my fault. I texted my parents that I thought my boyfriend and I should come over and talk, that texting about this kind of thing is stupid, but not to be patronized or belittled and if it turned to screaming that we would leave. My parents then replied that they wanted to see me face to face to talk but that my boyfriend isn’t allowed. My boyfriend even called my father the night of the initial “we can’t be part of your life” text to try and talk or meet up and see if there was a way to talk through any legitimate concerns. My dad did not answer and responded until a week plus later, only to text him that they haven’t really ever liked him, that he wants to work through it with me alone, and it’s mine and my boyfriends fault for not trying to address things earlier. Among other ridiculous “reasons” to not like my boyfriend were “Berkeley isn’t a ‘man’s’ college.” - my dad. One time in college, my professor lost my final exam, and when I found out via my final grades and was frantically calling her to figure out what happened, my parents told my boyfriend “see this is why we didn’t want her to have a boyfriend in college”, they’ve found ways to blame him for everything. The only thing that ever had any merit was that he wasn’t working yet. Well, this was because he was going to school to be a lawyer. (apparently marrying someone who will make a lot of money is a bad thing?) My boyfriend is the nicest, most calm and peaceful person ever and he loves me more than anything. But apparently their pride is more important than being wrong and accepting him. I guess I’m just trying to figure out if this is normal? Or if it’s as wrong as it feels to my boyfriend and I. **Edits (Same Post, 2 days later)** \*\*boyfriend as well as my parents and myself are of the same race. Somewhat similar financial status as well. \*\*no important details left out, I promise. I wanted objective feedback. Believe me, if there was more, my parents would make it known to me and I would have included it in this post. ***Relevant Comments*** *At the amount of people expressing bewilderment and frustration on her behalf:* "Just want to say to all of these, thank you. I will sleep better tonight knowing that even a brief description of this story produced replies almost identical to what some of our closest friends have also said. 🩷" *More on background of parents:* "Mom was a career politician, dad was a firefighter and politician. (Both conservative republicans) I’m an only child. Not close to aunts and uncles. Only surviving grandparent is dad’s mom, she was happy to hear that I had tried to get the 4 of us to talk. I have to now tell her that they declined the offer. She often tells me that she is very sorry that I’ve been put in this position." *They won't compromise, so don't waste your time:* "I have come to the same conclusion, me going alone is only their last ditch attempt to bargain and manipulate my opinion. Leaving him out so he can’t speak or defend himself is just so they can gang up on me and control the narrative." *In reply to "there HAS to be something else you're not telling us":* "Lol, no he’s white and we’re white. I promise it’s the whole truth. Parents are conservative and think anything that deviates from what they would do must be wrong. BF went to school for longer to do law, dad thinks he should have started working at age 13… “like he did”. Boyfriend is definitely open minded and moderate. Horrible I know. 🙄" *How is boyfriend with parents/OOP?* "Yeah no ahha boyfriend is the best, he’s never said a bad word about my parents either, despite how awful they’ve been to him. His parents are wonderful, his dad who is not a touchy feely person even called me and explained how sad it is that my parents are doing this, that he and his wife love me and my bf and support us." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/17ro16i/update_to_my_parents_dont_like_my_boyfriend_so/)**: November 9, 2023 (2.5 months later)** Hi everyone, updating you all on this long awaited “resolution.” After many more hurtful texts from my parents that said they can’t accept my partner and that it doesn’t matter if he’s a good fit for me, if he’s not a good fit for my “family” then it’s never going to work out, I went over in person to meet with them and pick up my legal documents. They made it clear that my boyfriend was not welcome and that this was a “family matter” they needed to speak with only me about. (Clear manipulation obviously) So, I went alone. I’m on my way, I know what I think and how I feel, I’m very sure of what I plan on saying. (Thanks to Reddit I have additional confirmation that I’m not crazy or wrong or a bad person, but they are in fact in the wrong). It was strange, walking into your parent’s house and feeling like you’re meeting strangers. Kind of felt like having a 26 year long relationship and being broken up with via text, then having to go pick up your shit and memories from your Ex’s house… Except that ex is your parents. After about an hour of small talk, we got into the nitty gritty convo about the elephant in the room. A previous text that week had said, “we don’t expect to change your mind…we just want to talk.” but it’s clear that this in person meeting was a last ditch attempt to shake me from my reality and into theirs. They came at me from every angle, “he’s not a man’s man” -dad “I don’t respect him” - dad “I hate him, he’s taking away the most precious thing in our life, how could you not hate someone like that.” -dad, even at some point physically threatening him. My mom was either agreeing or adding little tidbits and reminders of things she doesn’t like about him. Some of which are things I mentioned in my previous post about when I went to meet his family and didn’t see her and my dad too. Mentioning also that she doesn’t like that I made the first move to talk to my boyfriend and not the other way around. You get the gist. It was all out war on my BF. They tell me I’m depriving them of a son in law. They say he is selfish for not breaking up with me years ago when he realized that my parents didn’t like him. They even just started blindly throwing out shots like “I don’t even know if he has any friends.” (Like WTF mom and dad, of course you don’t shit about him because you’ve made me keep my relationship out of earshot for 6 years 🙄) but I digress. It ends up being a 3 hour long conversation where I spoke for all of maybe 5 minutes with my heart rate at 150 the whole time (thanks for reminding me of that Apple Watch). They also don’t fail to mention a few other shining points such as: •“We knew you would put this on us, this is not an ultimatum, we are just reacting to YOUR decision and choices”. -Was their reply to my saying, “this is not my choice, this is an ultimatum you’ve given me and neither my BF or I want this.” •”We knew you would make us the bad guys because we’re not #Team *boyfriend’s name*.” •“Any of your friends and family who say we will come around or it will get better is lying to you and saying what you want to hear.” •They asked me why they should like or be impressed by my BF, I told them various accolades. Dad replied with “education doesn’t impress me.” •I told them how wonderful he was through some of the toughest times in my life (college) and how he supported and kept me sane when even my parents were coming down on me about how I wasn’t doing enough. They said “that’s what any boyfriend would do”. (Ummm no mom and dad, it’s not, and the two of you certainly were making me feel worse that entire time) •They said because my BF’s dad helped him get through school by paying his tuition that he’s had everything in his life handed to him. •dad said “I think you’re mom is having an epiphany about who you’re becoming.” Like I’m some monster. •they said “we feel like you’re not listening to us” because I’m not just blindly agreeing to break up with my BF. •dad said “this kind of thing happens all the time” (as if that makes it normal or justified) At the end, I have to break the news that in between all of the hurtful texts and prior to this meeting, my BF and I signed a lease and moved in together. Nothing they were going to say was going to sway me otherwise, even they said that. So we had taken the leap and made the move the weekend before this meeting. I was commuting about 20-30 minutes before the move, and my commute is the same after the move. Only difference is we now live in the same city that my BF (new attorney with crazy early and late hours) works in. Believe me I had all kinds of requirements prior to this move, it has to be safe, have in unit washer and dryer, safe parking, etc. & it’s only for a year or two while we save $ so we can buy a home. Contrary to my parents belief, I’m capable of rational decisions… I tell them first that we signed the lease and where it is, (ya know, to try and lighten the blow that I am outright “disobeying” them). They start going off about how “oh of course, making it easy on him again”. (They saw me always going to my BF’s house as me catering to him, even though the only reason was because we were never comfortable being together at their house, then of course he became essentially banished). So they see this move as me being some smitten teenaged idiot, not about how this is a relationship with compromise. They tell me that my commute is going to be brutal and that I’m lying to myself if I think it’s not. (Again, I have already been doing it for a week. I KNOW it’s not any worse, it’s a prettier drive even.) But it’s clear that I can’t slowly ease into it and I have to just rip off the bandaid because they are straight up just wrong and trying to convince me that I don’t know what I’m talking about. So I say, “IVE ALREADY BEEN DOING IT FOR A WEEK! WE MOVED IN LAST WEEKEND.” 🤷🏽‍♀️ They are just dumbfounded. lol. Like I thought you guys said you weren’t planning on changing my mind so why so surprised that I just went ahead and made my choice???? My mom starts crying. My dad keeps saying “you fucked up kid.” It’s about 10 pm at this point so now that they know I have a slightly longer drive home they are kind of sweeping me out the door so I can get home before it gets too much later. My mom gives me this big sobbing hug. At this point I’ve run out of tears. I was crying throughout the entire conversation but at this point was just over the bullshit. My dad who rarely even tells me that he loves me gives me this awkward desperate hug too that just kind of makes me roll my eyes. I get in the car and drive home just totally exhausted and confused. Truthfully they did a good job of again, making me question my own thoughts and choices. But I get home and just start spilling everything that they said to my BF. He’s not surprised, but as I said in my last post, he remains Swiss in all of this and doesn’t say anything shitty about them. He just holds me close and lets me vent. Something else that came up during our lovely 3 hour discussion was my anxiety, I have previously shared with them that I think they are a huge source of it and had been throughout my childhood as well. Prior discussions have always gone nowhere “you had it so easy, we don’t ask that much of you.. etc.”. Clearly not listening to me. So I brought it up again in this discussion, how my parents are a huge source of anxiety and my BF is a calm rock in all of it, that I’m so grateful he’s such a great partner. My dad screams at me how he never laid a f\*ing hand on me and how he was physically disciplined as a child and that he can’t own that he and they could have anything to do with my being an anxious person.” He even says “you need fucking therapy”. (Like yes dad, thank you, I sure do, and also F you.) Also said “I have a hard time swallowing that I had anything to do with your anxiety, you’re going to have to work out those demons with yourself”. Alllll of this to say, the answer you’ve all waited for is that I moved in with my BF, am keeping mom and dad at arms length, and also I have started therapy. It’s 26 years of emotional abuse and narcissism to unpack and learn from, but I’m working through it. The guilt tripping and lack of boundaries is so real and has been so real for forever. I know my situation isn’t as bad as others and is also worse than others, but for all of you out there in similar situations, seek therapy. It is a really good thing. There’s so much behavior to unlearn and grow from. Even if you don’t think it’s that bad and that you’re doing “fine”, see a therapist if you can. Your abusers have learned behavior too, they have learned how to get to you and how to manipulate you, whether it’s vindictive or not. They have learned how to make you do what they want and think what they think and then they know how to make you feel horrible about doing anything differently. Seek counsel in family and friends whose advice you trust, seek therapy, and above all trust yourself. I still get very emotional about all of this, it’s still a very fresh wound. I mourn the relationship I had with my mom and the one I will never have with my dad. My health is definitely suffering at the moment from all of the stress, but I’m working on getting my mental health back and I know my body will follow. Breaking the wheel is hard and terrifying. It’s like being a crate trained puppy forever and finally being allowed to go outside, but outside is unknown. The crate is all you know and even though you know the crate is confining and freedom is in front of you it’s all so unfamiliar, uncertain and frightening. You know what’s behind you and it’s easy to want to run back to it. But no matter what is in front of you, it’s better than the crate. The crate is not living for yourself, its living for someone else. So go out and make your own life. I hope this story can help someone else out there like me who was seeking validation about their feelings and situation. Thank you again to all the redditors who shared their thoughtful insight and advice. It truly got me through the most difficult days of my life. 🩷 Internet: 1 Entitled Parents: 0 ***Relevant Comments:*** *OOP clarifies:* "They only know the city, I did not share my address with them. 👍🏽" *Are you an only child?* "I am."

My parents don’t like my boyfriend, so they gave me an ultimatum.

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17wem3b/my_parents_dont_like_my_boyfriend_so_they_gave_me/

17wem60

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ElevationMane and u/ElevationMane0 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITA for telling my wife to go and see her son before he dies?** Trigger Warnings: >!death of offspring, drug use, emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, physical violence, slurs, cancer, assault, possible child abuse, possible infidelity!< &nbsp; (Posted to u/ElevationMane) [Original Post - recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/174qqj1/aita_for_telling_my_wife_to_go_and_see_her_son/?share_id=Nrm5VPgAGY_VH7UFG72in&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **October 10, 2023** My wife Sara (39f) has a son Vicky (20m) from her previous marriage. Because of the way my wife and I got together, there was a lot of strife in her divorce from her ex, there was a lot of tumult in Vicky's life and he was only eight at the time. For a few years, my wife tried her best and tried everything to help him but it was like the more she tried, the further away he got. It came to a head when he was twelve and she caught him trying to smoke and then he almost broke her jaw when she stopped him. After that, she stopped trying to force the custody and just let him stay with his dad. When he was fourteen and we had our son, she sent him a message that his brother was born and that even if he doesn't want to be around her, it doesn't mean he can't love his brother. He just responded back with "Go **** yourself". She tried the same thing three years later when our daughter was born but got no response this time. Well, two days ago she got a call from her ex and he was crying and apparently Vicky is dying. He has cancer and they found it very, very late and he's optimistically only got a month left and he's been begging to see her. So, I've told my wife to go and spend the month with him. She can work online from a month or take a leave or just quit if they don't understand. However, she's refused and she's used everything from work to needing to take care of our kids to even 'what if it's just a trick to hurt me more' as excuses to not go. At the same time, she keeps crying, muttering about thinking she had more time, ignoring our kids, looking at old photo albums of her and Vicky. It came to a head this morning when I caught her having a breakdown in her car before going to work. I begged her to reconsider when I saw and she called me a ****ing ***hole for trying to push her into going. I know he's not my son and that I have no right over him but not going is tearing Sara apart, so AITAH? Edit: To everyone confused, when our kids were born are not the only two times that my wife tried to reach out and ask if he was ready to see her. It's just when our son was born was the only time that he responded. She tried up until his graduation when even his father tried to get him to invite her. She sent him money, presents and everything for his birthdays. And as for when he struck her when he was twelve, he did so with a hockey stick and then kicked her when she fell. She forgave him for that because she knew what he was going through and he's her child but she decided to stop seeing him then because she didn't want her presence in his life to make him more violent. What if he hit another kid like that was her thought. And to everyone saying therapy. Yes, she took him to therapy, she tried so much but he was non-responsive then. **Relevant Comment** **Spirited_Block250:** I presume she cheated on her husband with you and that’s why the son wants nothing to do with her, which is understandable tbh, for a kid especially, even at 14-15 years old. You are trying to do right by her because she will absolutely regret not going to see him, it’s doubtful based on their relationship that the son will let her around for a month, but atleast she can and should go say goodbye. He has a right to feel angry with her, she needs to sack up and go or she will be haunted by this after he passes. >**OP:** Thank you. It's her son who is asking and he hasn't asked for her at all in so long. I understand her being afraid but this is her last chance. &nbsp; (Posted to u/ElevationMane0) [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17rjwid/update_aita_for_telling_my_wife_to_go_and_see_her/) - **November 9, 2023** I have provided proof that this is me since my account was banned, probably because I made it from a work machine I remote into. My wife's son Vicky passed away a week ago and I guess I'm posting because I also feel I need to clear up how I feel about things and people were so willing to listen here before. Now after my wife came home the day I posted we had another big argument about it and I honestly felt I wasn't getting through to her. I tried to use some of the points that people in the comments told me and I just was surprised at how stubborn she could be. But it ended with her screaming at me that her son's not sick, he's not dying and he's fine. I don't know if she was just that deep in denial or she thought it was a trick or something but the way she screamed scared our kids so I felt that I had to just let it lie. My wife actually got a call a few days later from a young woman claiming to be her son's wife and begging her to come. And that made her do it and the people at her work were so understanding they gave her up until the end of this month off. My relatives came over to help me with the kids since she made it clear that she had to do this by herself. She took a flight out to where her son's family was staying, got a hotel and went to see him. She hasn't really told me everything in detail given that she only got home two days ago but pretty much, according to her ex, their son started acting odd about the time he graduated high school. They didn't think anything of it then because he was acting way more mature. They got him married in Indiaabout half a year ago with no objections and her she said her ex was blaming himself for not having realized that he changed because he was sick. She told met hey got him married because his wife is the only child of a family with a lot of land. What's really made her cry over and over again is that nobody even told her that her son was getting married. She keeps telling me that she would've known he was sick, she would've been able to save him, that she should've been there. Honestly, she's right to blame her ex because her own relatives don't talk to her, she doesn't use Facebook and she had a right to know. As for her daughter in law, my wife has done nothing but sing her praises. She's studying engineering at the University of Alberta and she is currently pregnant and that's honestly giving my wife a bit of hope. She's said that a piece of her son is still there and I honestly don't know how she would've been if she wasn't. I know how hard it must be for my wife's daughter-in-law but I am glad that they can be there for each other. As for my wife's son, my wife really hasn't shared that much with me. She's just said that he was sad, he kept on apologizing for he was and forgetting things and that the way he was made her feel like her son was already gone before she made it there. She did tell me that he passed away in her arms while she was praying so I really hope that means that they were able to reconnect. I don't expect her to share this with me but I guess that's where my frustration comes from. I've always wanted my wife to have everything she wants and I know in her heart there's nothing she's wanted more than her son back because he was her heart and now she can't have that. And it's not like an estranged parent or sibling dying because he was her son and she made him, she literally made him and I see her crying that it should've been her and it honestly makes me angry. All I can do is be there for her but I feel like I shouldn't have to be because her son shouldn't have had to die so young and so cruelly. So, thanks for listening to my rant. I might come here again if I need to rant. **Relevant Comment** **Cannabis_CatSlave:** Thanks for the update. I am glad the poor kid got to see his mother before he died. > **OP:** It's a bit of solace and I certainly think it's for the best. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

AITA for telling my wife to go and see her son before he dies?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17wem60/aita_for_telling_my_wife_to_go_and_see_her_son/

17wem7z

**I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/Crafty-Appeal7248](https://www.reddit.com/user/Crafty-Appeal7248/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and her own page. You can find the previous BORU post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10j4gpk/aita_for_blasting_disney_music/). New update marked with **\*\*\*\*\*** **Trigger Warning:** >!creepy online comments about a minor, unwanted filming!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!Ridiculous that it got that far, but relatively happy ending for OOP!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zs017q/aita_for_blasting_disney_music/)**: December 21, 2022** Hello I (16F) have an older brother (19m) who's one of those prank youtubers and tiktokers. He's been doing this kind of content since 2017 first on youtube then expanding to tiktok for shortform around 2020. He's decently popular with children and makes some pretty good money from it. It's annoying for me and I hate it. As his little sister I'm constantly having a camera shoved in my face even when I'm busy. He's "pranked" me by pretending to delete my school projects off of my laptop, throwing out my homework, study material and once fabricated a fake report card that he gave to my tech illiterate parents which got me grounded for a month even after I proved that my grades are good because they never go back on their punishments. He has also come to my work to "surprise me" and prank me which has gotten me in trouble with my manager until they moved me to working in the back and not up front with customers because he'd come in so much. With my money I recently bought a Bluetooth speaker and whenever I see him with his stupid camera I blast whatever Disney music I can. Let It Go, We Don't Talk About Bruno. Anything I can because Disney is vicious with copywrite and the footage is useless. He's tried talking to me before about it, usually on camera, to "work out our issue" which means me stopping so that he can go back to making money off pranking me. Because I'm apparently very popular with his audience He's been slowly loosing views and followers which he is blaming me and my speaker for, my parents are taking his side as he's providing for us and he's the golden child. so reddit, AITA? Edit: please stop telling me to "expose" him or make a callout post and exposing him. I don't and will not make a permanent social media account anywhere so that isn't possible ***Relevant Comments:*** *Does he pay you? What do you mean he provides?* "My parents do still work, but he bought our house and he does pay for the mortgage while they cover bills and groceries. I do pay my own phone bill because of my job but that's all. He does still get views from his videos, but without me they're not as high as they would be if I was in it. He's still making money from those videos." When it comes to pranks he doesn't believe in boundaries or "faking" (telling me about what he did) before hand because he likes getting my genuine reaction to whatever he's done. Him not faking his prank is one of the reasons people like his content unfortunately "My payment is living in the house he bought, and his viewers got tired of him pranking our parents in 2018 and they did tell him if he didn't stop they'd kick him out. So they're off limits but not me because better me then them" "The house was bought in 2020, before then we lived in a small apartment where he would prank them, my mom particularly got really annoyed with his pranks and told him either he stop or he find somewhere else to live" *How about starting your own channel?* "I want to go to college, I haven't had social media for several years, once creepy fans tried to follow my Instagram account after he got popular I scrubbed everything. I have no interest in youtube, instagram or any other social media career" "he has a young audience for the most part, but there are still uncomfortable comments from 12 year olds and comments from older men. Other then that his viewers like me because of my reactions, I tend to have pretty big ones so they like that they're big and genuine unlike other channels that stage pranks, it is mostly they like my reactions, there aren't that many gross comments, just enough in the past few years to make me uncomfortable" *Can you show the comments to your parents?* "they're incredibly tech illiterate and not good with english, he got me grounded for a month showing them a paper report card he photoshopped and printed out. They don't watch the videos at all or look at the comments" *Definitely move out at 18:* "I am, I have my job so I can save money and I have some friends who also want to move out at 18 and we plan to find an apartment to live in together. My parents are trying their best, they're immigrants and me and my brother are first generation, before his channel our family struggled a lot so they see his pranks as something to endure so that we don't return to how we where before. My brother sucks, my parents are doing their best even if it's misguided" *How long as this been happening/can you try being boring?* "When I was 11-12 I did like being in videos quite a lot until it got too much and the pranks got crueler and since "I used to love being in videos" my opinion now doesn't matter apparently." "Before the blasting disney I tried to be boring, he just went to more extreme measures to get a reaction out of me, as for staying out of the house as often as I can, I do but he still tries to record me whenever he can and it gives him time to set up his pranks, once he covered my whole room in post it notes and hid a camera to film my reaction and the clean up" *Water gun?* "I would love to but he doesn't post anything that makes him looks bad or otherwise hurts his ego. In the beginning yes but then he decided that actually me pranking him wasn't as fun so he'd never post my pranks so I gave up on pranking him after awhile because I realized it was all pointless" ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10dieuh/update_aita_for_blasting_disney_music/)**: January 16, 2023 (3 weeks later)** I didn't expect my post to blow up like it did but I thought that everyone would want to know I'm now safe. First those who thought my brother would try and destroy my speaker was right, he destroyed multiple but I kept buying more as they where cheap and I have a lot of money saved up for when I eventually move out. I also told my best friend's mom everything, before all this she knew that my brother made content online which is why I always go to my friends house and not the other way around. I practically live there anyway so she very quickly agreed that I can stay until I turn 18. While packing my stuff I started participating in pranks again to keep my brother and parents happy so they wouldn't be suspicious. I kept telling my brother about an "epic prank" I was planning, and a few clips of me talking about it where in videos and fans got really hyped for it. The "prank" was me taking the last of the stuff that was still in my room and using a lot of printer paper and tape to write notes all over my walls, bed, desk, everywhere that said things along the lines of "have fun without me" "I'm not coming back" "I hate your pranks" and other comments. I doubt he'll post the video but I like to imagine he turned purple seeing it all. I'm currently at my best friends house and we are working things out legally so that I can stay without my parents claiming I was kidnapped or anything. I'm also considered getting a restraining order against my brother, and am looking for a new job, hopefully with better pay so he can't try to see me while I'm at work. I still won't be making any social media or exposing my brother, he can loose his fans on his own without my help and I can stay anonymous and out of the public eye. Thank you everyone who gave me advice I really appreciate it. ***Relevant Comment:*** *Have your parents or brother tried to contact you since?* "They have multiple times, my brother even showed up to my old job to try demand to see me/see when I'll be in next to speak with me. I've had to block all their phone numbers because they wouldn't stop calling and texting me" **\*\*\*\*\*Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Crafty-Appeal7248/comments/17re88t/little_update/) **2: November 9, 2023 (10 months later)\*\*\*\*\*** I didn't know if there was a subreddit that I could post this on so I'm just posting it to my account. First before anyone asks, I still don't have any interest in content creation and won't be making any videos on my family. I'm safe, I got emancipated and I'm no longer living with my friend. I have an apartment with one of my friends I was originally planning to move out with when I turned 18. The apartment's tiny and not great but we're managing, the rent's cheap and that's what matters. My brother, parents and extended family are finally leaving me alone fully. They kept trying to convince me to go back and rejoin the channel, promising not to do more pranks and all kinds of other things. I threatened to make an expose video which finally got them to leave me alone. I've had to change my appearance somewhat, a new haircut and a dye job, because people would sometimes recognize me but that's it. Nothing else's happened, I have a new job and am on track to go to college and living a perfectly normal life without a camera in my face or a bluetooth speaker constantly on and blasting disney music.

New Update 10 months later: AITA for blasting Disney music?

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17wem7z/new_update_10_months_later_aita_for_blasting/

17werl3

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Camper-Nomad **Parents tried to make me give my brother my house. BoRU PART 3** **Originally posted to** r/EntitledPeople [BoRU Part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/lLhxb9fQWK) and [BoRU Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/jf057OvoLX) originally posted by u/Shelly_895 **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Infidelity, harassment, emotional manipulation and abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, extreme entitlement, parental abandonment, assault, vandalism, child abuse!< [Update 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/SmX3I6QJ5i) **Feb 20, 2023** **My parents and Dan were back sooner than I thought. And they wanted money this time** This will not surprise some people who commented on my previous posts, because my parents did some of the exact things they said they would. Which was wanting either my money, or my signature. I did expect the classic lines of narcissists saying that I owed them, or give me some kind of socialist BS of sharing the wealth. But that was just my imagination running wild. The ensuing situation was somewhat similar to that. But much more tame, I guess you could say. They seem to know not to push me too far now. And were mostly aiming for pity. It began when my parents recently got in touch with me through social media, and asked for a meeting in a public place of my choosing. It just screamed trap. But I wasn't afraid. In fact, I was amused. They know I'm not to be fucked with anymore. So I could only wonder what they wanted this time. I picked a local restaurant that may have a name of an olive and a garden in it, and we met up there. Dan was with them. But he kept his mouth shut, most of the time... We had awkward greetings, ordered some drinks, and then cut to the chase. My parents begged me to help Dan get his own apartment so he could finally move out. Apparently, Dan's credit isn't so great. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be his wife regularly spends him into a hole? Well they asked that I help by either supplying some capital, or by cosigning for the apartment and helping to pay the rent for it. I simply said no to both. That's when Dan spoke up in anger and yelled at me that I have so much, and I don't have a family to support like he does. He needed my help, and I should be sparing the money for his family since I don't have one myself. I laughed and asked where they were when I needed their help. Of that's right. They were pointing and laughing at me for being homeless. Or should we go further back to my childhood. I'd love to delve into that with plenty of ears to listen in around us. My mother grabbed my hand and begged me not to speak of any of it. My father and Dan both just looked away and said nothing. Pretty sure they wanted to say something like they used to at me, but held their tongues. I asked them if they thought I was rich or something. And their looks said it all. And when I told them I don't have that kind of money, they looked at me like deer in headlights. I broke it down about how much I'd managed to save for the down payment on my house, and the way I had to live and work in order to save that much so fast. And then how I spent nearly all of it on the down-payment of my house. I'm still in financial recovery. I did have monthly income to spare, yes. But most of it was going right into my savings. I asked Dan what his yearly salary was, and when he told me, I pointed out that it was actually a bit higher than mine. I then loosely broke things down in rough math in front of my parents on how about 70% of my income goes to my mortgage, insurance, gasoline, internet, phone, food, and other bills. And then there's maybe 30% of that left at most that I can put into savings. And I need that money saved get back on my feet in time. And I have to make sure I have savings to fall back on. My truck is from the 90s. If it were to break down, I'd need money to either fix or replace it. And there's other things one would need a rainy day fund for, like home repairs, doctors, taxes, lawyers, or anything in general you'd need quick cash for when it's a sudden unexpected expense. So, as you can see, I just can't spare money for Dan. And I also refuse to cosign for anything as that would leave me on the hook for any bill Dan couldn't or wouldn't pay. Then I pointed out that, that's likely why my parents didn't cosign for Dan's apartment themselves long ago. And my mother just started crying again. I was pretty much one step ahead of them in all of this. I'm not an ATM, and I'm not a fool. And I stated that right to their faces. I expected my father to become angry with me like he always does. But this time he just, well...didn't. I've known this man to explode on me for the slightest provocation of not enabling my brother all of my life. But this time he just didn't do that. There wasn't even a sneer on his face. The only way I could describe the look he had was regret and defeat. Maybe regret for being a shitty parent. Or maybe regret because he can't bully me around anymore. Who knows. Either way my parents couldn't really argue with me, and I wasn't about to give them any money. Dan just got up and said this was all just a waste of their time, and that he was leaving. My mother started apologizing for him, but Dan still wanted to leave. Then just to kill with kindness I offered to buy them a round of unlimited soup and salad while we were all there. I guess they couldn't turn down free food since we hadn't ordered anything but drinks yet, and they stayed. I went out of my way to talk about anything other than money. Dan remained quiet, and was either eating his food or looking at his phone. But my parents just awkwardly talked with me. They brought up that they've recently joined a local Christian church. And that they'd already been going for the last two weeks. I said "Good for them", and they of course started trying to advertise that they'd like me to go too. I simply said no thanks, and they were smart enough not to push further. When the meal was finished, Dan left a $10 on the table for the tip and walked off without saying another word to me or anyone. My mother just excused his behavior and we all parted ways. That was about it. Not nearly as much drama as I though there'd be. But this is still far better than how things used to be with my parents and brother. As for SIL. Well she's been regularly complaining online about my parents. She really doesn't seem to like the fact that she's not queen bee of their house. And I think her toxic is finally getting to them. Why else would they be so desperate to come crawling back to me. SIL actually wants my parents to move into a camper like I had to do in order to make space in the house. And she's being told "No!" every time. She does seem to have a following of Karen minded people like her though. Because here and there I get messaged by someone I don't know, that are intent on raging at me for not giving up my house for SIL. I don't bother to argue with these people anymore. I just block and move on. Though there was one persistent troll who had my phone number. And they call from a different number every time. Yes, it seems to be the same person who called me to say I need to make way for a real family man like Dan. But I could care less. The calls though, seemed to have slowed down, if not maybe stopped. Because I made it clear to that person that they were only amusing me by keeping this up so long. The last time they called was around the beginning of the month. And it's been silence from them since then. [Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/GfYDCMzrcd) **Oct 5, 2023** Well I figured I'd wait half a year or so after the original posts to update everyone. But it ended up being longer than that. Yes things did go bad again. But not really for me for the most part. I'm pretty much fine, if not almost unscathed since last Christmas, apart from the time my parents and Dan came to me for money, as my last post told, and a more recent confrontation between me and SIL you will read about here. I did get a few cameras for my house, including a Ring doorbell in front. I didn't tell my family about the cameras just in case. But thus far no one has attempted a break-in. I think the way I outed them all before scared them into leaving me alone, for the most part anyway. I've taken to renting out two of the rooms in my house. One to a close friend, the other to a friend of said close friend. Both have been fantastic tenants. They know to keep quiet and leave me alone most of the time, and even have small refrigerators they keep in their rooms so they don't need to keep any of their drinks in the main fridge. The deal I gave them on rent was too good for them to pass up. It increased my monthly income well. And even after taxes, I'm still monthly putting away some decent amounts in the bank since the rent money pays a good chunk of my monthly mortgage. You're all probably wondering how my parents, brother and SIL took to me renting out those rooms to friends. Well the answer is: Not well. My father and Dan stayed out of it. But SIL freaked out, which made my mother come crying to me over how I could have rented those rooms to Dan and his family instead. We had a bit of an argument in which I pointed out for one thing, they fucking broke into my house before to try and steal it. She wouldn't want to let someone who did that move in with her. Also, there wasn't enough room for me, Dan, and his entire family in my house. Not that I'd ever share a roof with them anyway. It's a three bedroom, and a manufactured home no less. I have the master bedroom and it's adjoining bathroom. That would have left only two small rooms for Dan, SIL, and four kids. Not to mention they'd be annoying AF to me all the time. Also, she knows very well I can't be around SIL because she intentionally antagonizes me. And they all mocked me when I was homeless before. Besides, my current tenants are both single guys in their 30s I get along with. My mother had some sobbing excuses for a while. But she finally let it go and admitted she was just desperate. Edit: Parents found out I was renting rooms out because SIL basically stalked me in some way. Then she told my parents, and then my parents contacted me. And then my mother came over to cry about it. Since then my parents haven't bothered me once about the house. So things are good for me. My parents and Dan, not so much.... It turns out SIL is a far worse person than even I thought. I already knew she was a gaslighting self-victimizing drama-queen. But she sank even lower. Because Dan's youngest child turned out not to be his. Yeah you all read that correctly. SIL had an affair. Which in retrospect isn't all that surprising. And something a few people here totally called months ago. After being caught SIL was ousted from the family. Dan just recently finished with his divorce. Which actually went in his favor since we thankfully live in an At Fault State. Dan also sued to get his name taken off the birth certificate of the youngest child, and won. Basically, after the incident where my parents tried to force me to hand over my house, things got pretty tumultuous over at their house. SIL blamed me, **A LOT!** She was convinced somehow that I had tons of money, like I'd won the lottery or something, and that I should share the wealth. Apparently it was her idea that they come to my Christmas party, because she hoped they could all try to get on my good side. It was also her idea to make my parents and Dan try to get money from me for an apartment. So it really burst her bubble when Dan and my parents informed her of how my finances actually were. For the longest time she had Dan and my parents fully engulfed in her toxic mindset, and only fed their narcissism with her own. So her blaming me made the rest of them blame me. That is until what happened in front of the police when they tried to steal my house. That's when the downfall for SIL really started. My parents and Dan were apprehensive about coming to my Christmas party after the way I'd outed them. But SIL convinced them to just throw together a few cheap gifts from what they could get at the last minute and just show up, because "**He'd never throw us out once we're already there!**". Boy was she wrong! She gambled on that plan, and I with the complete blessings of everyone I'd invited threw her and the rest of them out. Her plan she no doubt thought was the most clever thing ever, backfired in her face spectacularly. I guess being chewed out by family at my party not only wrecked my parents' reputation even more, it actually started a wake-up call for them to eventually not listen to SIL anymore. And as I said in my last post, my parents decided on going back to church. Perhaps because last year I'd said they'd probably go to hell for their actions. I can't say that's the real reason. But you gotta admit, it would feel kinda satisfying if that was the case. Though my parents hadn't been to church in two decades before going back. While I don't think it's a bad idea that they're going to church, they need to understand that going doesn't just give them a do-over for all the shit they've done in the past. But I have a little faith they're at least trying, because my parents came to my house without Dan to personally apologize to me after they'd seen an animated video if my first three posts. That's right, they've known about this reddit account for a long time now. They also know everything I'm saying. Yes, they're unhappy about it. But I feel everyone here deserves an update since it's anonymous. For my parents and Dan though, watching a animated video of themselves and their own actions was a great way to make them see what kind of people they really are. And they came over to apologize to me later. I'd never seen my father apologize like that to anyone. And the man isn't a good actor. So this felt genuine. They fully acknowledged what they did to me, and how there's no excuse for any of it. They even described themselves as narcissists, and admitted the truth that they had wronged me very badly. Then they went on to blame SIL for a lot of things. Yeah, they kinda threw her under the bus. But it's not like she wasn't guilty of everything they said. My parents have been getting counseling for a while now too, and did offer group family counseling. But I declined as I'm not ready for that any time soon. Dan himself didn't apologize to me for some time. But he looked extremely remorseful any time the past was brought up. Meanwhile Dan and SIL's marriage absolutely fell apart. It wasn't a crumble, it was a cascade! Without me as the skape-goat/black-sheep/ATM, that they couldn't mock or try to get money from anymore, and after the public humiliation of social media, my reddit posts, and the animated online video, SIL finally let out enough of her toxic on Dan and my parents for them to realize she's not the person they thought she was. Their denial had been strong. But SIL's entitlement was stronger. I've had many a thought of lightsabers clashing over this drama. SIL clad like a bimbo Sith with a lightsaber that looks like a giant lipstick, or something like that. I imagine there's a wealth of puns and jokes to be had there. But I really didn't bother to think much more detail about it. But as you can imagine, things only got worse because SIL kept looking for other ways to get what she wanted. She kept bringing up ads for used campers and RVs to try and get my parents to buy one to live out of, so they could have the main house. And she kept doing this no matter how many times they told her to stop. She even tried to say my parents should just buy an RV and have a life on the road, like normal old people do. That was stupid, even for SIL. The opposite was suggested by my parents that Dan and SIL buy a camper themselves to live out of it instead. SIL basically said she shouldn't have to do that since she's the mom. She pretty much lorded the fact that she thought she had total parental authority over everyone's heads because the kids in the house were all hers. And when SIL didn't get her way, she actually took her baby and left the house to disappear for several days. They knew she was fine because her phone was still working, and she was responding texts with short but passive aggressive answers. And when she came back, she was only more embittered because nobody caved to her demands while she was away. SIL also refused to go to church. But Dan went with our parents and took his kids along as well, save for the youngest since SIL refused to let him take the baby anywhere. Personally I don't go to church. I believe in God and all that stuff. But I just don't like church. Besides, it never did me any good growing up. [Update 5](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/MTQQOUSEV6) **Oct 7, 2023** Just so everyone understands, a lot of this information came from Dan and my parents. So I'm just telling what I know. Shit really hit the fan when Dan suddenly called out his wife as a cheater March. This shocked us all, because we thought he was a complete pushover to her. But no, he's not. At least not anymore. You all know how he treated me when I was on his bad side. Well his wife wasn't spared that ire at all. He started putting pieces together about her deceit after finally pulling his head out of his ass, and secretly got DNA tests for all his kids. Three of the kids are his. But the youngest one, the baby was not. For the record, Dan and I both have pretty dark straight hair that's almost black. Same with our parents. SIL's hair is straight and pretty dark too. But the baby's hair is lighter and a bit curly. At first Dan just thought it was because of the baby's age. SIL kept playing it off, and said that it would darken in time. But the baby's hair never got darker. I guess that was Dan's biggest clue. He confronted his wife with the DNA results in front of our parents. And she broke down sobbing that it was a mistake. SIL pulled out all the DARVO stops of denying, trickle-truthing and gaslighting. But Dan had none of it, and actually had done more to find out about her affair than I would have ever thought. I knew he was smart. He just let himself be dumb. He had detailed proof of her cheating with phone records, texts he got off her phone, bank records, and the DNA test. He even identified the man she's cheating with, who is likely the father since he has much lighter colored curly hair. The evidence against her was crystal clear, and Dan said she was so bad at hiding her affair, he didn't even have a hard time figuring any of it out once he started looking. My parents demanded that SIL leave their house immediately. That's when she went psycho on them all. First in just yelling. But she quickly got physical. Police had to be called by my mother. And yeah, SIL was arrested. She scratched up Dan and my father quite a bit with her long fake nails, and even harmed her eldest kid in the crossfire by hitting him hard enough to have a black eye and nosebleed when he tried to intervene. Dan was smart enough to have his phone recording nearby when he confronted her. So the police had all they needed to arrest her for assault. SIL's parents had to drive over to bail her out. Then they came back for the baby, SIL's stuff, and her car as well. A couple days after SIL got bailed out, she showed up at my house because I was apparently next on her shit list. As soon as I opened the door she went on a delusional rant where she called me out about posting on Reddit. Then said I was the entitled bane of her existence. I'm not sure, but I think she might have been high on something, because this felt extra crazy for her, and her eyes didn't look right. She claimed mothers with young children are the most sacred thing in the world. Then went on yelling that giving up my house shouldn't have been too much to ask for. Because supporting the family was the least I could have done. And if I had, then her family would still be together. When I tried to talk while she was spewing all that out, she actually attempted to shove me and cover my mouth. She even had her hand poised like she was ready to scratch me. Well that went about as well with me as you can expect. I'm not exactly one to be threatened, and told her I'd call police if she didn't take her hands off me right that moment. I also told her I'd got all it on my doorbell camera. She started panicking the moment she heard 'camera'. Then I ended up verbally savaging her to the point she was backing off my porch. I told her she had some gall to call me entitled when she's exactly that! She didn't work for anything she had anymore, cheated on her husband and got pregnant from her affair partner, made my mother do most of the parenting for her children, spent Dan's money till they were in a financial hole, and acted entitled to my home to the point of trying to steal it. I called her entitled X-1000, and that she's a greedy bitch who is blinded by narcissism. Then I told her to stop blaming me for her own actions and to never show up at my house again. Being told all that was pretty much all SIL needed to hear before jumping back into her car, then peeled out and sped off. This was finally the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Now that she was separated from Dan, I ended up finally going to the police and filing a report on her for harassment and the assault she'd done on me last year, and her putting her hands on me at my front porch only added to it. The police have it all on record now. And I gave copies of the video to Dan for his divorce lawyer. And yes, I did file for a restraining order against SIL. It was easily granted because it was obvious the woman is unhinged. She's not made a social media post about me since that I could see. But that's just because she put her profile on private. I hope her blame ship against me has long since sailed. Either way she's left me alone. SIL was still with her affair partner during the divorce. At the time, I had no real idea of what kind of man he is. But any person who monkeys with someone else's spouse and even has a child with them, really doesn't have a lot of morals to begin with. Once the the divorce was underway, SIL admitted that Dan just wasn't man enough for her anymore because he couldn't afford to give her the lifestyle she wanted. She actually believed herself to be on the level of a trophy wife, and that she deserves to be with someone wealthy. Dan said he pulled a "Me" and maniacally laughed at her. He said she was nowhere near hot enough to be a trophy wife, along with mentioning any other faults she had. SIL ended up humiliated by this, and ran off like a child. Due to having to live with her parents, SIL was forced to work in their family business because Dan wasn't giving her access to his bank accounts anymore. She'd already maxed out all the credit cards he previously gave her. And she griped about having to work for her parents despite having a college degree. But I think they were the only ones who'd employ her anyway since she's got a criminal record and a decade long gap in her resume. I've heard from Dan that her parents were severely disappointed in her as well. But that was just a rumor. They could be just as bad as her for all I know. Either way the shit show of a divorce really took off once it got going. SIL didn't walk away with much from it. Especially because she had an affair, physically hurt her FIL, husband and eldest child, and it's an at fault state, like I mentioned earlier. So she kissed any chance of getting her way goodbye. I'll go into detail about it in the final post. [BoRU Part 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/ZYPR7FrDN1) **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Parents tried to make me give my brother my house. BoRU PART 3

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17werl3/parents_tried_to_make_me_give_my_brother_my_house/

17werzx

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Camper-Nomad **Parents tried to make me give my brother my house. BoRU PART 4** **Originally posted to** r/EntitledPeople [BoRU Part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/lLhxb9fQWK) and [BoRU Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/jf057OvoLX) originally posted by u/Shelly_895 [BoRU Part 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/4yHa77rxce) **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Infidelity, harassment, emotional manipulation and abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, extreme entitlement, parental abandonment, assault, vandalism, child abuse!< [Update 6](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/FoSGc3S1pv) **Oct 9, 2023** **This is what I know of the divorce from my brother Dan.** Dan's lawyer pulled some strings to get the divorce started as fast as possible. But it cost him. I don't know the more specific details, or how much it all cost. They never told me. SIL on the other hand, was financially backed into a corner very badly. And you know what can happen when you corner an animal. She fought back. But the law was not on her side, nor was her dwindling finances. SIL's parents had to pay for a lawyer for her. And not a very good one either. Also, she actually brought her affair partner to the divorce court to testify on her behalf. This guy was a real piece of work. He had a bronze tongue and a charming smile he tried to use to his advantage. He claimed SIL had been wronged by an incompetent husband, which is why she sought the arms of another man. He claimed he was ready to take responsibility for his child he had fathered with SIL. But that SIL would still be needing the alimony for helping support herself and care for said child. He remarked that because Dan at the time was still on the birth certificate, alimony should be one of his obligations. Dan said this guy used big words and a charming smile, but seemed an extra special kind of stupid. And coming from Dan, that's saying something. The judge was also not swayed in the slightest, and told the bronze tongued lout that he was a hypocrite for saying he was ready to take responsibility for his own child, while also holding his hand out for money from the man who's marriage he'd helped ruin. That shut him up. Dan was prepared to sue his wife's affair partner for alienation of affection too. However that fell through. I guess it would have been on Dan to prove how much she'd loved him before the affair started. But after her mask came off and we saw the real her, we're not sure if she ever really loved him at all, or if she just loved having a meal ticket. Someone here pointed out SIL probably kept popping out kids to avoid getting a job. And you may have been right. Either way, SIL tried dragging out the divorce. But Dan's lawyer and the judge kept that from happening much. I swear, Dan must have seriously lucked out, because he got one of the meanest and most unsympathetic to cheaters judges in the state. And all the evidence we had on SIL made it easy to keep her from playing the victim. So instead she just let her real bitchy self out since there was no point in hiding it anymore. The court had all of the records provided by Dan and myself, police reports, photos and recordings to prove she was an abusive narcissist. There was a mountain against SIL that she had no way to climb over or hike around. She tried standing against the mountain. But that was prime avalanche territory. In the end of the divorce, SIL struck a deal to end things quick. Dan takes three-quarters of the credit card debt, gets his name off the affair baby's birth certificate, and SIL walked away with only partial custody of her children, no alimony, but also without most of the credit debts she wracked up. Her being legally employed by her parents meant she had an income of her own to fall back on to start paying off her debts. She can see her other kids almost whenever she wants, and can take them on weekends. But for whatever reason has made very few attempts to even see them. She took them out to eat fast food a few times. But she never took them home with her. The kids are back in school now. So that gives her even less opportunities to see them. You'd think her parents would want to see their grandchildren. But they haven't contacted Dan about it. They barely saw Dan's children before that too. Now they may not even bother to see them at all. Do they hate kids or something? Even Dan doesn't know. But he tells me that is in-laws were always indifferent to him. As for Dan. Well he really did love his wife a lot. So the betrayal of her cheating made him hit the bottle hard. Rewind back to the the night of his confrontation with his wife, he came to me in a stupor with a whisky bottle in hand and his face all scratched up and covered in bandages. I wouldn't say he was drunk yet. But I freaked out seeing him looking like that at first, then berated him for driving under the influence. But that didn't really mean much to him compared to the betrayal of his cheating harlot of a soon to be ex-wife. We spent a few hours hanging out in my camper so as not to disturb my tenants. All the while Dan was drinking whisky straight from the bottle and crying that he's a fool. And how he regretted ever marrying SIL. Pretty much any time he mentions her now, he just refers to her as **"That Bitch!"**. So that's Ex-SIL's nickname now. Ironically this time together was the most bonding Dan and I have done in 15 years. While he didn't exactly apologize to me, he called himself a shitty human being with terrible taste in women. Then said I at least didn't make his mistakes. Despite all he previously did to me, he's still my younger brother. And I couldn't risk letting him try to drive home. So I told him to stay the night and managed to take his keys. Then set up the bunk in my camper for him to use. I rented out my spare rooms after all. He was in no shape to drive home. And if he'd taken an Uber, he'd have to pay for it, and then have to come back for his car later. He was still a depressed crying mess, and didn't want our parents or his kids to see him like that. And frankly, I was worried he'd do something insanely stupid if I let him leave. I didn't want him to sleep in the house, so putting him in the camper was the best option. Just because **That Bitch** fucked him over, doesn't mean I suddenly trusted him. So better for him to sleep it off in the camper. We both spent time in the camper playing games and watching movies on my portable DVD player. Poker was no fun with just two people, and old maid was just boring. Thankfully I had an UNO deck too, and an oldschool Battleship game. He really liked those. It was enough to keep him distracted until he was finally willing to lay down after running out of whisky. He threw up a lot of it in a bucket anyway. But he was not opposed to sleeping in my camper. In fact he found the idea kinda cool. Dan had a lot of questions for me as to how I'd lived in the camper for as long as I did. And I answered them all, if not just to keep him busy. But I needed to go to bed myself since I had to be up early. So I left him with my portable DVD player and a couple of movies. That way he could amuse himself alone for a while, if he even managed to stay awake. Before leaving for work in the morning, I popped in while Dan was passed out in the bunk and left a bottle of Ibuprofen and an energy drink on the counter of the camper's kitchenette, along with his car keys and a letter explaining to leave through the backyard gate. He saw himself out without trouble around 1:30 pm. About a month after Ex-SIL **(AKA That Bitch)** was kicked out, Dan came to me asking to borrow my camper. I guess he found it more comfortable than I'd thought when he slept in it. And he fully admitted he didn't ask sooner out of pride. But with his soon to be ex-wife out of the house, he'd decided to give up his room for his eldest kid. He's got two girls and a boy, with the boy being the eldest, and now 8 years old. The kids were all forced to share a room until that point. They just had curtains up for the boy's half of the room. But the boy often slept on the couch to avoid his sisters. I know the poor kid was really desperate for his own room. So I guess Dan decided to finally make a better decision as a dad, and came to see me in order to beg to borrow my camper so his son could have his room. If he could have afforded it, he'd have bought his own camper, instead of relying on me. And even said as much. I hadn't even gotten the chance to use the camper for actual camping yet. But I caved and let him use it since it was actually for a good cause. And he promised to buy his own in time anyway. No I didn't ask for rent money for the camper. Dan is in enough of a financial hole as it is right now. Ex-SIL and the divorce drained him. And I've learned that I get far better results with family lately by not being spiteful. I loaded my camper up and put it down in my parents' back yard. And my father put in a 30 amp breaker so it'll have enough power for Dan to run heat and AC when he needs it. I do miss the camper. After all that time living in it, it kinda felt like it was a part of me. But the only reason I loaned it out was for the sake of Dan's kids. Pretty much the only reason I still do anything for my parents or Dan is for the sake of those kids, as I've bonded with them. And yes, I know I may not get the camper back for quite some time. And likely not in the kind of condition I lent it out in. But I've warned Dan and my parents that they will be financially responsible for any damage they do to the camper, as well as it's upkeep for as long as they have it. I also took many timestamped pictures and video of the camper inside and outside before lending it out. So I can prove it's condition before it left. Dan even recorded a video with me agreeing to my terms. So that's as good as a contract. With the financial drain of the divorce, Dan's not gonna be able to get a place of his own for years I'll bet. Though he seems to have no complaints about living in the camper at least. But I don't know if he actually likes it, or if he's just putting up a front. But I can guess it reminds him of the backyard forts we had as kids, since that's how it felt with me sometimes. Either way he's living in it now. I did get some major props from the extended family for letting him borrow it too. I'm now referred to by a lot of them as "The Good Brother Dan doesn't deserve". Either way I think getting rid of SIL was a great first step in mending the family as a whole. I still have little care for my brother and parents after the way they treated me all my life. But I'm not gonna let Dan's kids suffer for it. Those kids have actually really warmed up to me. They're actually happy to see me when I come over, or when they visit me. I've even babysat a few times. Now that they don't have their mother's toxic around, they've become much nicer kids. Especially to me. I'm actually getting to enjoy being an uncle now. My mother is still doing the bulk of the parenting for my niblings, and she's been acting as nice as possible to stay on my good side. My father often looks very defeated in my presence. But otherwise he's been either stoically quiet or just generally nice to me. But he won't talk to me much. Though that's leagues better than how he was before at least. I'm not letting my guard down either way. My parents do seem more happy that my ex-SIL is gone. And they often say they don't know what they ever saw in her. My mother especially, because the two of them butted heads over who was mom in the house for a long time. Now for the last part. At the same time as the divorce, Dan sued to have his name removed from the birth certificate of the baby that wasn't his. **That Bitch** didn't really want to change it, because it meant no more child support from Dan if she did. However there was a court ordered paternity test for the man identified as the baby's father. I was prepared to laugh in case it turned out he wasn't the father either. But he was. And Dan's lawyer had a long talk with Ex-SIL's lawyer. Ex-SIL had no leg to stand on, and Dan was ready to go to bat to make her situation even worse. She didn't have the finances to fight him any longer, and agreed to changing the birth certificate. The bronze tongued lout who'd knocked her up, did man up to take financial responsibility as a parent. But he ended up not staying with SIL. He contacted Dan through his lawyer to tell him he'd broken up with **That Bitch**, and that he wouldn't bother him again. I checked the social media of that guy after Dan linked me to it, and the lout was upset that now he's financially responsible for a child he never planned to have. And that he's too young for this. Guys, from what Dan's lawyer was able to find out, that man is just over 40. He looks younger than he is. But he's by no means a young man. Shortly after that he put his online profile on private. Ex-SIL did the same with hers a long time prior. So I've no more information left to give. This may be the end. Ex-SIL is out of our hair, my parents and brother have finally made a real effort to be better people, I'm surprisingly happy as an uncle, and my house is still my house. [Update 7](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/Zt15DzZRdp) **Oct 24, 2023** **Ex-SIL saw my posts. And is mad she can't do anything about them** No surprise Ex-SIL saw my reddit posts. She can't contact me about them in any way but with a lawyer thanks to my restraining order against her. And she likely can't afford to get a lawyer right now anyway, since the divorce financially drained her too. So she bitched to Dan about it, and demanded he tell me to delete my Reddit account. But not only has Dan read my recent posts, he no longer cares. He said they serve as a reminder of the prick he used to be. And he's not losing sleep about it. Besides, I've still helped him out despite all he's done to me. So he he's not gonna be upset about it. My parents have also made sure to try and treat Dan and I more equally when I'm around too. My father is still a man of few words around me though. Someone pointed out that changing now after so long of treating me as the opposite of Dan, means he doesn't know how to connect with me anymore. And I think they're right. I don't mind the way he is now though. My mother has also developed a habit of saying she's sorry about every little thing in my presence. Dan told me that she and my father have been reamed a lot by extended family and their counselor. And now my mother feels like she needs to apologize for everything. This is all a stark contrast to how they used to treat me. Also, I didn't talk about before what Ex-SIL's opinion was on Dan borrowing my camper so his son could have his and Ex-SIL's old bedroom. Well like a stereotypical bully she looked down on him and mocked him about it because now he's living like a bum, as she put it. But Dan took it all in stride and asked if she was done yet, because he knew this was exactly how she'd react. And he just plain doesn't care anymore. She's borderline dead to him, and her insults were on deaf ears. Then he pointed out to her that he was living out of the camper because he was putting his kids ahead of himself so his son could have his own room. Something his ex never did, despite being their mother. She just weaponized her children and pregnancy to keep from working and to emotionally blackmail everyone. Then he asked her to remind him how that was working out for her. Mind you this was early on in their divorce. I'm sure you can all guess her reaction. Dan said his ex did have quite the tantrum about my recent posts. But no one has bothered to contact me on her behalf to take them down. So she just has to live with the well deserved shame. She has been trying to act nicer to Dan lately. Guess the grass isn't so green living with her parents. Dan tolerates her as the mother of his children whenever they meet. But nothing more. He will NEVER take her back. He's told me that he can never look at her like he used to. And the very thought of her turns him off emotionally. So Ex-SIL pretty much has no chance of reconciliation. I have no new info on Ex-SIL's affair partner. His social media is still locked down. Same with Ex-SIL's. And it's likely to remain that way as long as I have a chance of reading them. [Update 8](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/hvhIjjFGT8) **Nov 5, 2023** **My truck got egged on Halloween!** Happened in the middle of the night/very early morning on the 1st. I suspect it was my Ex-SIL. But the person my cameras recorded was wearing layers of heavy sweats, and had their face wrapped up along with big glasses covering the eyes. You couldn't really tell if they were a man or woman. They came on foot too. So no identifying a car. They did look about Ex-SIL's height though. But that's not much in the way of evidence on it's own. If it was Ex-SIL, she knew about my cameras. So covering her face and body for petty eggy revenge was probably the smartest thing she's done in years. Way to finally put her college degree to use. By egging a beat up old pick-um-up truck.... The egger showed up around 3:00 am. I was deep asleep, and didn't hear anything. Whoever it was that appeared that night, quickly threw a dozen eggs or so, all over my truck. They didn't attempt to do any more damage at least, and were gone in a flash as soon as the last egg was thrown. I didn't see the mess till I was leaving for work in the morning. I ran my truck threw a local car wash during my lunch break. That took most of the egg off. Had to scrub it a bit more later after work. Egg really isn't good for the paint. But the truck is from the 90s, and doesn't exactly look mint anyway. I did take photos and filed a police report with the CCTV footage as evidence. But so far nothing has come of it. There was no real damage other than my minor irritation and $15 at a car wash. If Ex-SIL did do this, then she was smart enough to only throw eggs and not key my paint or slash my tires. So my insurance wouldn't be involved. I don't think much will come of the police report as the cops seemed to dismiss it as a probable prank by a teenager. I get they were probably overworked. But at least the report will keep a paper trail in case of future incidents. I waited till now to post because I wondered if anything else would happen. But no. Just right back to peace and quiet. I would appreciate any good advice on the matter though. Just in case something like this happens again. Update: Asked around with some people on the street about cameras possibly seeing the person who egged my car. I responses ranging from "We don't have cameras" to "It was Halloween and people pull stupid pranks! Let it go!". The few people who were helpful told me that I waited way too long to ask, and the footage auto deleted. So basically the egger got away. But if it was SIL, I'm guessing she had to walk around a half mile in those sweats just to not get her car spotted on camera or something. It wouldn't surprise me if she questioned if it was even worth the effort. Oh well. I guess I'll just wait and see if the egger comes back next year. I did hand out printed pictures of the egger though. And even stapled a few up on posts. So now people in my neighborhood are aware at least. The tenants renting out two rooms in my house have stayed out of it. And I don't really blame them. It's not their problem. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Parents tried to make me give my brother my house. BoRU PART 4

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17werzx/parents_tried_to_make_me_give_my_brother_my_house/

17wetvv

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/StuckAtTheComma **Groom walked out** **Originally posted to** r/DJs **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/DJs/s/mHMITqfhkg)  **Aug 21, 2023** I’ve got a gig on Friday and the groom left the bride. Here’s the thing, bride’s family is all coming into town, so it’s shifted to a “party”. I’ve heard from the planner that the bride is devastated and not the mood or mindset to make decisions about music, which I respect and understand. Has anyone ever dealt with this scenario? How’d you navigate? Thanks in advance and wish me luck lol the playlist Edit - this garnered a lot more attention than I expected so thank you all for your input, both the intelligent and the not so intelligent. However, I do wanna address a couple of things. 1. This is not a panic post. I’m not asking “what should I do?” After re-reading the post I can see how you may have thought that however, the intention of this post was more of a “share your story” type of thing. I’m not terrified of the gig.  I am confident enough in both my Dj & social skills that this will not be a “nightmare“ set. 2. I mentioned in the comments that I had the bride review the playlist, and I think some of you took this as me asking her to choose the music for her event. If you were one of these people, you are wrong. I simply wanted to make sure that I do not play a song that she does not want to hear, which I believe is completely reasonable in this scenario. 3. Some of you suggested that I just refund and cancel the event. I’m not sure if you understand how weddings or events for that purpose work. There are a lot of elements to weddings.. venue, vendors, entertainment, family etc. I’ve had talks with both the bride and the planner. I’ve even offered to waive my cancellation clause for this particular case and the bride wishes to continue with the party, so why would I cancel on her? Her groom already left her hanging and you’re suggesting that DJ follow suit? I question some of y’all’s professionalism. It sounds like you’re afraid of a challenge. The worst case scenario for me is that I learn enough how to play this gig next time, should this scenario ever arise again. Thank you to those who provided usable advice and thank you to all of the lil trolls under the bridge. I’ll make an updated post after the event and let you all know how it goes. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **WaterIsGolden** >So are you sticking with the original playlist or asking for a new one? **OOP replied** >>I’ve asked the bride to review the playlist and she replied with “the music is fine”. Luckily, she gave me a few genres to work with in the initial planning phase and she mentioned disco is a crowd pleaser, also it will be a Latino crowd, so that opens up a a few genres.  I’ve got a foundation and I’ll just work from there I guess, I’ll stay away from songs that were a part of the ceremony and super “lovey” songs. I know dad’s favorite song is “Stayin Alive”, so if I see him a good mood I’ll drop it and work off his energy lol. * **WaterIsGolden** >So my daughter is getting married soon, and I can only think of a few very specific reasons a groom would walk out.  Without getting super detailed I would assume someone is a POS.  As a dj I would be very concerned with figuring out if I was dealing with that 50% of the couple. >A typical bride would probably cancel the party if the groom walked away.  So it's fair to assume you are dealing with someone who colors outside the lines. >What type of bride might a groom walk away from?  This is your client.  The groom could indeed be a complete piece of garbage but you will never know one way or the other.  All that you can know for certain is that you are playing for someone who was almost abandoned at the altar. >Someone ran away from her.  Your gig will be a great or terrible experience depending on if the runner was right. **OOP replied** >>This ran thru my mind as well, what would make me walk out a week before the wedding? Somebody definitely did something, but that ain’t my business lol.. For me, the show must go on and my goal for the night is to get her to smile at least one genuine smile * **HotSpicyDisco** >This is the best post I've seen in a while about working as a DJ, so kudos. >I would hate doing this gig, but if you pull it off right you'll provide a very memorable experience for all the attendees. >I would ask the family if they want an emo night or if they want happy music. It's like DJing a funeral, which is a thing I've done. The family wanted disco music because the person who passed away was very involved in the disco scene in the 70s and 80s. The family wanted to celebrate his life and have a party in his memory. So the event was sad but the folks at the party took turns between tracks to share fun memories about the dude and laughed, danced, got a little drunk (and a bunch of old people smoking weed). >If they don't want to be reminded the guy left, don't remind them, but if they want a party where everyone shits on the dude, play that man hater music all night long at full blast. >Good luck and Godspeed. **OOP replied** >>Thank you for the thoughtful answer, I’ve at this point equated it in my mind to playing a funeral. Bride did mention initially that disco is a crowd pleaser so it sounds like our situations will be similar lol. Any bangers you remember that hit,  outside of the usual suspects? **HotSpicyDisco** >>>Just a few tracks off the top of my head I think would hit pretty hard for break-up disco. Skipping the super obvious ones like I Will Survive. >>>1. [Sandy Barber - I Think I'll Do Some Steppin' (On My Own)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZpEtDwob_U) 2. [First Choice - The Player (Jacque Renault edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYVM1jVXuAU) 3. [Vicki Sue Robinson - Common Thief (Superprince Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc8JGEa-IjI) 4. [Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through The Grapevine (Late Nite Tuff Guy Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxnGxJj-aHE) 5. [Michael McDonald - I Keep Forgetting (Late Nite Tuff Guy Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpluBh61Qt8) 6. [George Michael - Freedom (The Reflex Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izO_QLjNj6M) 7. [Cerrone - Look For Love (The Reflex Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvC6BAH7_wI) 8. [Don Armando - Deputy of Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1nuHKu1Upk) 9. [Eddie Kendricks - Going Up In Smoke (Dave Lee fka Joey Negro Big Smoke Mix)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM7_8ZrqCw0) 10. [Martin Hayes - Easy Come Easy Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyYKKbT90uk) 11. [DJ Ciderman - You're Losing Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iut-mcepzcM) 12. [Merry Clayton - Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow (Misiu Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCsLx3XaxP8) 13. [Dan Hartman - Relight My Fire (Dimitri From Paris Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB7abAy1fqk) 14. [Gladys Knight & The Pips - Taste of Bitter Love (Dave Lee Edit)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-apRe53FuI) [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/DJs/s/u8fhkO64jN)  **Aug 26, 2023** Yeah groom was trippin.. Aight so first off, I do not know what led to the breakup. The planner didn’t know and I wasn’t going to ask around lol. What I do know is.. this was in no way shape or form a “nightmare gig” the bride showed up and she looked amazing. She wore a skin tight all white sparkle dress (not her wedding dress) and a huge smile on her face. Her whole family was fitted head to toe, they all looked good and were ready for a good time. As far as the actual music went, this was some of the most fun I had as a DJ. I took the advice from a lot of you all on here and took requests. A large portion of her family flew in from Colombia, so I learned some new songs. About 45min in, the bride disappeared for a bit and had her “moment”, but  her family was so hype and supportive of her that she was able to mentally escape and enjoy the rest of her night. A couple highlights - Started pouring rain right as dad started his toast, and one single rumble of thunder happened exactly after he said “I know my baby will always be protected by God” then it stopped and a rainbow came out and the bride took pics in front of it. (I know it all sounds like bs that only happens in a movie, but I promise it did) - Bride’s family all brought props/hats to party and dance with and they all got used - I danced salsa with the bride and didn’t step on her feet 😂 - huge pop for the Macarena 😂 - my “Latin” crate has some shiny new gems - I got invited to play in Italy 😂 - tip envelope was heavy When all was said and done, everyone sweated out their problems and had a great night. The bride has a very strong support system and I think she’ll be just fine. I truly do applaud the grace she showed, I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster she’s been riding. Thanks again for all of the input, suggestions, advice & luck this community provided prior to this gig.   Tl;dr - gig was awesome **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Groom walked out

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17wetvv/groom_walked_out/

17whp8x

I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL POSTER, Posted by u/OkPepper9510 on Relationship\_advice [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/17qm9ku/what\_happened\_between\_my\_43m\_friend\_42m\_and\_my/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/17qm9ku/what_happened_between_my_43m_friend_42m_and_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3), Posted on the 8th of November TRIGGER WARNINGS:>! Talk of infidelity, Sexual Assault, Cheating!< ORIGINAL POST: My (43M) gf (43F) "Lisa" confides in me that she is no longer comfortable being alone with fried (42M) "Tom", her besties' husband. Lisa is besties with Tom's wife (42F). Lisa and Tom are also good friends and regulary hang out together independently. Lisa's version (nonconsensual kiss on the lips, etc.): Lisa says that last weekend, she and Tom were alone listening to music together after his wife went to bed. Lisa says Tom was standing next to her and unexpectely kissed her on the lips (not open mouth). Lisa says she recoiled and said no she was with me and he was married to her best friend. Lisa says Tom then took out his pes and said that they were both freespirits and it was not cheating unless he put it in her psy. Lisa says she told Tom she was in loved with me, laughed it off, he put it away and ended the night with Tom driving her home awhile later. Lisa says this was not consensual and she and Tom decided that it would not be a good idea to be alone together in the future. Lisa revealed this to me after Tom was upset with Lisa after not hanging out again a few nights later. Lisa said she was afraid of what Tom might say to me (and me leaving her as a result), and afraid of losing her friendship with Tom's wife. Tom's version (consensual open mouth kiss, etc.): I asked Tom what happened. Tom says they were "sexy dancing" together. They were close and that he kissed her- open mouth and felt her breasts. Tom said this went on a few minutes and nothing more happened. Tom said they stopped because Lisa said it was cheating on both me and his wife. Tom said since he was a freespirit and did not consider what was happening cheating, he wanting to jokingly prove a point that he could even take his dk out and it still wasn't cheating unless he put it in her psy. Tom said that the dancing, kissing, b\*\*b grabbing was consensual, and they mutually decided to not be alone together again. Tom is afraid of his wife finding out. Tom said he did not tell me because he did not consider anything that happened cheating (but admitted his wife would consier it cheating and would divorce him). Both Lisa and Tom have incentive to minimize or not fully disclose what actually happened for fear of my reaction and said they were fearful of me telling Tom's wife. Lisa is adament in her version. Tom is adament in his version. Both do not want me saying anything to Tom's wife Did something more happen? Who is telling the truth? *UPDATE1*: Tom's wife called me because Tom told her that he and I had a falling out as well as with Lisa. Lisa still refuses to speak to either Tom or his wife. Saying it is up to Tom to tell his wife, and that she does not want to get idragged into it. Apparently Tom's wife overheard him on with phone with Lisa, asked him, and he said he couldn't remember what happened because he was blackout drunk but that whatever did happen may have crossed a line. I told her that it was not my place to say anything and it was up to Tom and Lisa to tell her since they are the only ones who actually really knew; however, I did say that based on the common elements of both their stories, something serious definately did happen and she should speak with Lisa woman to woman (and to not hold anything against her until knowing all the details, and to approach Lisa as a friend who needs support not accusations). She has left the house and is staying with her parents while she figures this all out. She is already talking about spending the day figuring out splitting assets. Lisa is now treating this as a full on sexual assault and I belive her. She has confided in other friends about the event and is staying with friends for support. She is genuinely upset. Ties with Tom are cut 100% permanently. I told Lisa I'm here for support but understands she needs some time to process alone. Since I have only known Lisa the last 3-4 weeks, it would be weird for me to get more involved so am stepping back from the entire situation. Too much drama in too short a time. *UPDATE2*: Was talking to Tom on phone- he was yelling about his wife finding out everything. He explained in graphic detail exactly what happened between him and my GF in order to prove to me it was consensual. He sent and read me their texts from that night and the days following. Turns out his wife was eavesdropping the entire time- she gets on the phone and tells him she heard everything he said. She's done with him- they are now over. Crazy shit! I believe him now- it was absolutely consensual and GF is for the streets. I appreciate GF's concern over not losing me but to take it to that level and make accusation like that is just not someoneI want to be around. ... RELEVANT COMMENTS >COMMENTER: Yikes, if Tom is scared of his wife finding out, why would he make the story sound worse? One sided kiss to make out with gropes. Overall it's hard to trust either of them. > >OP: yep- that one baffles me. the only reason I can think of is that open mouth kissing and groping for several minutes suggests consensuality. Also, he may have emellishe in his own mind because he obviously had a thing for her: In the recent conversation with him he sexualized her to me, saying that she is vulnerable after a divorce, and dresses sexy and she is a sensual person, and that she wants to have male attention and that I should get used to her acting (and being treated) that way. > >... > >COMMENTER: It magically turned into “sexual assault” after the situation blew up. You’d be a fool to trust “Lisa”. She may have stopped the situation from escalating that night, but I’d bet anything that she absolutely participated. At this point, she’s just trying to save face by having everyone think this “Tom” is the bad guy. Which I’m sure he is, sounds like a piece of trash. But I don’t buy her version of events for shit > >OP: Agreed. I believe Tom's version and probably more than that happened (given his incentive to minimize what actually occurred). He had the most to lose and yet admitted the most. But I also believe that once he whipped it out (of after it had been out and she decided to stop and no longer consented), it then turned into SA. Tom whipping it out was the culmination of something more than just a kiss on the lips after merely standing next to each other listening to music. 1 Comment

What happened between my (43M) friend (42M) and my GF(43F)?

INCONCLUSIVE

ProfessionalOk7281

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17whp8x/what_happened_between_my_43m_friend_42m_and_my/

17x7h0s

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/lwhc92 **Originally posted to** r/amiwrong **My (30F) boyfriend (31M) consistently suggests cheaper alternatives that are either low quality or completely different** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, financial abuse, double standards!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/17mwz9g/my_30f_boyfriend_31m_consistently_suggests/?share_id=OxUJUotE9L4ehy6myXAin&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 3, 2023** A huge difference between my partner and I is how we view money. It has to do with our upbringing and personality. There are times we compromise and see eye-to-eye, but more of the time, we don't. I feel like part of the issue for me is not just that he's a lot more frugal than me, but also that it makes me think he's selfish. We live in different cities and when he visits me, I pay for all activities. When I visit him, he pays for more activities but I'll cover things like items in his home (essentials, furniture) and groceries. He is really bare bones like the man doesn't even have proper bandaids for adults so I try to gift him essentials that he doesn't buy for himself to show that I care for him and so he can be more comfortable in his daily life. It's just really disappointing to me that I bought him an expensive birthday present that was double what I expected to spend, but I did it happily, whereas when it comes to my birthday, he tried to swap out a custom cake with plant decorations with ones that look really tacky or autumn cupcakes. He said autumn leaves on the cupcakes are like leaves on plants and cupcakes are like mini cakes so this could be acceptable. He does this all the time. I found a budget hotel for an upcoming trip we're going on that I've been to before and trust, and he wants to cut corners even further by sending one that's even cheaper. He didn't bother to do the research required to read reviews to make sure his suggestion was a safe one, but told me to do the research and that the change was about the numbers. I feel like if he needs to suggest a cheaper alternative, he needs to shoulder the research behind it and it shouldn't just be chosen based on numbers alone. I obviously want to save money if it makes sense, but I'd much rather spend my evenings doing something else than hours of research to save a buck when what I suggested was already economical to start with. I asked him if he really hates getting me a cake for my birthday because of the vibe I'm getting. He asked why I care about a cake and that he personally doesn't care for cakes. I told him I got him a cake delivered for his birthday and coordinated with a friend of his to get it to his guy group celebration so that it could be a surprise, which he really enjoyed. I said I don't care for a Canada Goose jacket or fishing or motorcycles like he does, but I respect his hobbies and even come with him to do them with him so why can't he care about things I care about? We're not exactly arguing, but there's tension and I'm feeling like he doesn't care about me. He's the one who told me he expected me to get him a gift and dinner and cake (he wanted cake when it came to him!! but for me, it's why do you care about a cake?). I'm fine being a couple who doesn't go over the top for each other's birthday, but he wanted me to go over the top for him. So this led to me to think that when mine came, he would do the same. It's not about a cake. I don't need a cake. And if I really want one, I can buy myself one. He wants me to spend time with him in his city during my birthday which means I'll be away from my family and friends. The cake is also not just for me, but for us to bring to the family dinner we're having which includes his extended family. I even made a suggestion to choose a flavour that's less sweet for his parents. I don't even know why I bothered to suggest him to get me a plant themed cake because the whole thing makes me more sad than brings me joy. Am I being materialistic? Or are my feelings valid? I'm questioning this relationship and even though I've gone to therapy to build my self-confidence, there's a voice in my head that tells me I'm wrong. TL/DR; I made a huge effort for my boyfriend's birthday as per his request and he is cutting corners with mine, complaining and not putting in the effort that I imagined he would. It makes me feel sad. **Commentator asks about the BF’s spending habits** >**OP:** Hey there, appreciate your perspective. Not condescending or rude at all! This might be the most valuable comment on this thread so far so I don't regret posting it despite getting some backlash on that Lol. I definitely don't understand thrifty living. I know people who are thrifty and there are certain things I'm thrifty about, but there is a gap in my understanding since I'm not like that consistently. ---- >Here are his habits. Wondering if you can make sense of it. > > >-He has a luxury gym membership. I've never had that in my life. I've gone to budget gyms in the past and now I just use basic equipment at home to maintain fitness. However, he typically likes to go twice a day but has now down to once a day just to save money on gas. > > >-He also had this motorcycle hobby for many years, changing different motorcycles. I think he's had a total of 4? > --- >-He definitely spends $ on fishing and has an extensive box of baits, rods and he asked me to get him this digital reel for his birthday. He goes fishing random weeknights and many weekends in the summer and fall. He will go on a day trip to another town and go on his friend's motor boat and help pay for the gas for the boat and the gas it took to get to that town. Which is probably not too much but it adds up as he typically doesn't fish at docks. > --- >-When he cooks for himself when I'm not there, he will cook the same 4 meals a week. There were a few months where he cooked himself the same meal everyday for 2 months straight, every meal of the day. He buys meat in bulk and just makes batches on autopilot. > --- >-His kitchen stuff is pretty limited and his pans are poor quality and so scratched up. I encouraged him to replace them because it didn't look safe to use. He didn't even want to spend money on something he uses all the time and clearly should be thrown in the trash, so I offered to replace it for him. I got him some kitchen appliances and he asks me for some as he knows I have a lot since home cooking is a hobby of mine. > --- >-He is out a couple thousand for fines he acquired driving recklessly (before I was in the picture). Not sure what to make of this. I feel like it's financially irresponsible because he had to have known that could be a consequence. > --- >-He is a smoker trying to quit. He buys vape quite often which adds up. I know it's an addiction, but in my mind, as a non-smoker, I couldn't imagine giving $60 to the tobacco industry on the regular. I've been encouraging him to quit but he wasn't there yet. To save him money, I gave him 6 vials of the same dosage from when my family member used to smoke (from not that long ago) so he can save $ and not have to buy any. The value of that is $300. > --- >-He doesn't really buy clothes and wears the same basic ones for a long time. He does have some brand name clothes (Michael Kors etc.) but I mean he hasn't bought anything new other than Walmart socks Lol. --- **No-Palpitation6913:** They are both getting eachother things they want for themselves. Neither of them are aware of what relationships are. They could break up but they would still carry this deficit to the next relationship. >**OP:** You may not change your mind, but I'd like to clarify that I am not generally huge into birthdays or gifts. I get things for myself and don't wait for someone to buy it for me. I would prefer to keep birthdays more simple, but that was not how he viewed birthdays. In my mind, I thought that he would reciprocate. I gave him ideas so he would know what I like and don't like so his hard-earned money isn't wasted on something I don't like. > >It's more about effort for me. I think if he told me he was going to bake me a cake and try to decorate it with plants, I would appreciate that too. Probably wouldn't look great since he's not a baker but that's ok Lol. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/17s6u3d/update_i_will_spend_my_bday_with_my_family/) - **November 10, 2023** I did it. I broke it off. It wasn't because of the cake as we had other issues on top of that, but it ended because the relationship got toxic, I am unhappy, I feel I am not receiving the energy that I'm putting into the relationship and I am a grown woman who will not fight for scraps. I deserve the world and I will not settle for disrespect. My best friend told me he doesn't think this guy is good for me. My sister told me she doesn't like him because she doesn't like seeing me sad. My parents said they don't feel at peace with the possibility of me joining lives with someone who treats me poorly. I came here for outside opinions and they were the same things I was hearing in person. I appreciate the support that I got. I'm going to reread the comments when I'm feeling down. It hurts. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Commentator explains that OOP won’t regret her decision on breaking up. Explains about one’s own experience with an ex and now with her husband who shows support and care. Provided support for OOP on future** >**OP:** I love your story. I hope that for me too. I'm ok if I never find someone. I can be that person for myself. And I have a younger sister to look after. My parents are still here and I have a good relationship with them. My cup will be full. > >I have a good boss at work. I'm doing a designation outside of work. This will distract me from whatever pain I'm going to feel for probably the next 2 months. > >I would rather face this than waste the rest of my life, which is super short, with someone who I have to negotiate happiness with. Relationships are a gamble. I tried and this is what happened. > >I'm happy for you. Thank you so much for your warm message. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

My (30F) boyfriend (31M) consistently suggests cheaper alternatives that are either low quality or completely different

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17x7h0s/my_30f_boyfriend_31m_consistently_suggests/

17x7hh3

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ludicrousspeedg0 **You're the best server we've ever had.** **Originally posted to** r/TalesFromYourServer **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Financial abuse and employee abuse!< [You're the best server we've ever had.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/eHeKwnAdvr)  **July 20, 2019** On mobile, yada yada. I work at an upscale casual restaurant. Slow night for a Friday. Lots of low check totals, so I'm not raking it in. I get a 4 top around 4:45. Nice people, 40ish. We have an excellent rapport, timing and food was exactly right. I drop their check, they thank me profusely, tell me I'm the best server they've ever had. They keep me an hour past close, ok, whatever. 9% tip. I hate to see what they leave an "average server". [The Kitchen Said "No".](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/91i9SrSwDa)  **July 25, 2019** I work at an upscale casual restaurant. Almost every special request has to be approved by the kitchen, and they have the ability to say no to anything they want. Their decisions vary depending who is working. So what maybe have been done once of someone may not be done again. If they do agree to a mod, it's usually a ridiculous upcharge. Sounds like a dream to deny requests, especial when it's busy, right? It's an absolute nightmare. I get screamed at daily. All I can do is apologize, and try and suggest something that might work. I get crappy tips off these tables because I'm somehow responsible. [Crappy Night](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/pF03MFkAns)  **July 28, 2019** Background: I hate large parties. They are hardly ever worth it, and at my venue parties regardless of size are shared by at least 2 servers. Also, if you are scheduled for a party, that's all you get for the night. Friday night the manager is walking aroud complaining about how short staffed we are Saturday night. I am scheduled to work a party of 20 with another server. They are only getting pizza with a cash bar, so I suggest letting me take the party alone, so he can use the other server. He says absolutely not, says he knows it will be a waste of my time, and he doesn't care. He treats all servers like this. Saturday night, party arrives, says 4 people aren't coming, making it 16 people. Also no one will be drinking. They are pleasant, and it's an easy party. Lady requests one check, and asks if gratuity is included. It is not. Pays the bill, and gives me $20.00 to split "For the 2 of you, since you were both so nice". This is 10%. So, after tip out we each got $7.72. I didn't even get close to minimum wage for the night, and the other girl burst into tears because she lives a good distance away, and she's really upset. I'm not upset at getting a 10% tip, it happens. I am upset at the blatant disregard the manager has for my time and my ability. Might be time to move on. Hope everyone else had a better Saturday then we had. [Either way is fine with me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/Y29A9Qg1uD)  **July 31, 2019** Sorry, long post, I'm just so relieved right now. I work at a casual upscale place in a medium sized college town. It has multiple issues including an unsupervised kitchen, a clueless owner, and a tyrant of a GM that treats servers like garbage. I deal with all the issues because I usually make decent money, more than I would make anywhere else in the area. Being a college town, we have lost, or are going to lose more than half of our serving staff soon, since many of the students graduated, or have schedules that wont allow them to work. The GM has a reputation of treating staff poorly, so despite the tip potential, not many people want to work there, or quit quickly after they start. Today I was offered a job outside the industry, and I'm definitely going to accept. The hours and salary are too good to pass up, plus ya know, benefits and PTO. The hours of the new gig will allow me to continue to work at the restaurant, which is fine, because I like money. I'll need to go away for training for a week, which I know is not going to be well received by said GM. I know when I tell him, he is going to lose his shit. He is on a power trip, and won't be able to tolerate this not being my priority. So, 50/50 he tells me no, and that's honestly OK with me. I either get to continue making some extra money without the pressure of wondering if the tips are going to be enough to pay my bills, or I get to tell him to pound sand. Either way is fine with me. Edited for atrocious spelling. Update for anyone that was curious: GM tried to give me a hard time. Owner heard our conversation start to get loud, and asked what was going on. I explained, and she told GM that I was doing them a favor by offering to stay, and to shut up and be grateful. He walked off in a huff. So we shall see. [POS](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/YSCMWl6cBY)  **Aug 3, 2019** I opened for the dinner shift at the upscale casual place I work last night. We were about 80% booked with reservations, so I'm expecting a busy evening. We run on an outdated Micros system, which behaves for the most part. It has weird glitches, but if you know them, then it doesn't cause you any problems. So I swipe my card to ring in my first table's round of drinks, and it freezes completely. So I go check the other terminals, and yep, they shit the bed too. Yippee. So I go find our tyrant of a GM, tell him what's up, and he says, "So what am I supposed to do about it?" Um, Idk, your job, I guess. In the meantime, I had gotten quadruple sat with 4 8 tops, and the original party of 10 that I had, and GM disappears. So I go get drink orders, tell the other servers and the kitchen that the POS is down, and they ask me what to do. In my former life I have been a manager, but I'm just a lowly server now, and this is way above me pay grade. So I tell everyone to run on hand written checks, and I reboot the system. They ask what happens if it doesn't come back up. I shrug, and say we should close, but I can't make that decision. So, I get myself out of the weeds, keep rebooting the POS, and keep looking for our absentee boss, all while dealing with the other servers and the kitchen who have never used handwritten chits. Lucky I'm old, I guess. It took a couple hours, but the POS finally decides to work, we get everything resolved without too many customer complaints, and GM reappears, says he had to go let his dogs out. Kitchen tells GM that we would have been SOL if I hadn't dealt with it, he is not impressed. I just smile, and tell them, "I'm just glad both POS's are back in working order." I haven't decided if I'm going in for my shift tonight. [There's a bug in my food!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/XtlHGhnglu)  **Aug 7, 2019** No shit, lady. You're sitting outside, it's hot, and there's no breeze today. I warned you before you were seated that the bugs were particularly bad today, and offered you a seat inside. Idk what you want me to do, I'm not lord of the flies, they dont listen to me. [The weather is beautiful today (sigh)](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/WPmNlTWxcW)  **Aug 10, 2019** The weather here is absolutely lovely today (and yesterday). Mid 70's, sunny, breezy, and no humidity. People camped at their tables on the patio last night, and I expect they will again tonight. I had a bunch of tables last night just order 1 app to split, or a dessert. That's fine, but low check totals and no turnover really hurts the wallet. I get it, I'd like to enjoy the weather too, but dang the money sucks. Oh well. [Owner gets upset with me because I won't give subpar service](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/H0cgtEw7tk)  **Sept 5, 2019** I work at a casual upscale place. Last night, I got a call at 5:45 asking me to come in because they are busy. I live a few blocks away, said yes, give me 15 minutes to get ready. Seating there is kinda weird. They initially seat you normally, then we tell the host when we are ready for more tables. The host tonight was the owner. So I roll in a little before 6, and immediately the owner says " Hey, hurry up and get the specials, I sat you tables and said you'd be here in 15 minutes." Okay?! So she sat a 12, 2 6 tops, and a 4. They have nothing. No water, no drinks, and they've been sitting there for at least 15 minutes waiting for me. Everyone is pretty understanding, so I start digging myself out of the weeds. She keeps asking me every 2 minutes if I'm ready for more tables yet. I keep saying no, because I'm trying to keep all my tables happy, and they are running me. So she just keeps seating me anyway. Fine, I'll deal. Made it through ok, no complaints. At the end of the night, she gives me an attitude about not agreeing to more tables right away. I tell her I'll take as many tables as she wants, if she doesn't care that the service is going to suffer. She says that from now on, I'm to just deal with it. Everyone else was declining tables for the same reason, and it's her seating policy. Whatever, I guess. No wonder people keep quitting. [Tonight might be the night](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/pvLmNTMxr7)  **Sept 7, 2019** That I lose my shit and quit. If you've not read any of my previous posts of jackassery happening at my current place of employment, long story short, I'm dealing with a clueless owner and GM. Last night was nothing new, SOS. Tonight I am scheduled to work a party. I hate large groups. We don't auto grat., and we allow separate checks. Typically we aren't allowed to take parties of more than 14 without splitting them. Tonight, however, I get the pleasure of splitting a party of 135 with a brand new server. I can't even begin to fathom how this is going to be fine, in fact I'm pretty sure this is going to be all of my server nightmares come to life. I'm pretty sure if I even go in, I'm going to snap at some point and quit. I have a day job. I'm just there because I feel bad they are short staffed (it's thier own fault). I just can't even. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Edited to add: Just checked the weather. It's going to rain. This is an outside party. There is no where else to put them. No, I don't think I will. [Tonight might be the night (update)](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesFromYourServer/s/ioIUsWHHnX)  **Sept 8, 2019** Short recap for those who didn't read the original. Scheduled for a party of 135 with just me, and a new server. No auto grat at my place. I have day job, and have been working the restaurant until they hire to recover from a mass quitting due to clueless owner and GM. Went in a little early to try and talk some sense into owner and GM. I asked for another server, or at least to be allowed to auto grat. Shot down on both. Party starts to arrive, I introduce myself and newbie to lady in charge. She asks where the other servers for her party are, I explain we are it.  She is pissed. I tell her I already voiced concerns, she will have to take it up with GM. They trickled in pretty slowly, we did a pretty fair job with drink orders. I had preset some dressings to try and make the salads go easier, and preset extra napkins, bread, etc. It went as well as it could go, but it was rough. New server was completely overwhelmed, head lady was rude, and they were not the most understanding party. It ended up being 1 check, ( thank the restaurant gods). The total was just shy of $5000.00. She left $60.00 total tip. New server is crying in the kitchen, and the vein in my forehead is popping out. $60.00 doesn't even cover the bar tip out, let alone the bus or host tip out. Heated discussion between myself and the owner ensues, and it is clear she doesn't care I'm at negative money for the night, actually the week now. I tell her that I will not be returning. She switches gears, tries to "reason" with me. I give the new server the 60 bucks, tell the owner I will be calling the labor control board if I don't get paid minimum wage for the week. I tell her and the GM both how I feel about them (fucking incompetent douchebags), and out the door I go with both middle fingers in the air. Feels good. Edit: Whomever gave me gold, thank you So much for the tip! Edit: Thank you for the second gold! Also, thank you for the support. Be excellent to each other! Last Edit: Holy awards, Batman! Thank you! Tl,DR: I quit. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT THE OOP**

You're the best server we've ever had.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17x7hh3/youre_the_best_server_weve_ever_had/

17x7hjw

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Yeeyeetyall **Originally posted to** r/TwoXChromosomes **My dad keeps making sexual comments on me and my boyfriend and I don't know what to do** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mentions of physical abuse, mention of sexual assault, betrayal, sexual harassment!< Mood Spoilers: >!Frustrated!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16qyii8/my_dad_keeps_making_sexual_comments_on_me_and_my/?share_id=XUUNWjkjQRht2vBbmjG03&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **September 24, 2023** To start this off: Me and my dad have a bad relationship. He's emotionally, mentally and physically abusive to me as well as a diagnosed narcissist. My boyfriend and I are currently doing long distance and I fly over every 3-4 months to see him. My dad has a history of always making me feel less, and making me seem less in front of others. 3 days ago I came back from seeing my boyfriend and I'd shared with my mom we'd been sexually intimate for the first time, which is a big deal to me because of trauma I will not be sharing. My dad somehow found out and has taken it upon himself to now shame me any chance he gets. The jokes go from buying me a pregnancy test out of the blue, asking me if he should be expecting a noise complaint from the hotel we were at, to saying we should record next time to show off at the family Christmas party..... It's gotten to the point where I don't even feel safe showering because any time I'm ab to he makes some kind of remark towards "it being the only place I could get myself off". It's only been 3 days after I got a break of the abuse for a month and it's already picking uo again, along with this.... I'm really at my last straw &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17s0uve/update_my_dad_keeps_making_sexual_comments_ab_me/) - **November 10, 2023** A few weeks back I posted ab how after me and my boyfriend had sex for the first time, my dad started treating me even worse than before.... Well: here's an update. 1. Just like most people said (and deep down I knew), my mom snitched on me. Which brings me into 2. 2. My mom has now joined in. In my original post I talked ab how he would probably use it to manipulate me and to make me the butt of the joke at social events. Turns out, my mom would end up doing that. A week back my dad's coworkers came over for dinner. They're nice people but ofc they see my dad for the front he puts up instead of the real person he is. After a few (a lot) of drinks, my mom started sharing the secrets I told her weeks ago. She started talking about my partners size, what kind of went a bit funky (cause first times are clumbsy) and I just left the table. Later that night I pulled her to the side and told her how disgusting and disappointing her talking ab him was and she just said I was being sensitive... Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to have... actual parents Edit: I didn't talk to my mom ab my partners size, she started assuming. I talk to my mom ab how it sortof went because, as I said in my previous post, I have been through SA, abuse and r4pe and thought I could talk to her about it. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **mjtothebrain420:** You need to get away from them. If possible, start saving up and looking for a place to move out, that is a disgusting abuse of trust that your mom just took advantage of and if you’re scared your dad‘s going to do the same thing you need to get out. that’s not only weird for them to want to talk about their daughter’s sexual experiences but to do it in front of coworkers and other adults that’s just creepy and disturbing behavior >**OP:** Me and my boyfriend are hoping to move in next year and id be moving across the world🙏🏻 **katerintree:** Ok, that’s ok. You have a year - you can survive a year. You don’t have to answer this, but I’m wondering if drinking is a common issue for when your parents are inappropriate & dickish to you. If it is, you might find some help with detaching from them & setting boundaries and finding some peace for yourself with a group like al-anon or alateen. Either way, imo the best thing to do is to focus on yourself. Make sure you are getting your needs met, keep yourself safe - mentally and physically - if you have a job, just stay focused on that. If you are in school, make your studies your priority. If you can find a hobby to stay out of the house most days, awesome. You can get through a year. Just remember- they have a problem, but it’s not yours to fix. Your only responsibility here is to keep yourself safe and healthy >**OP:** They always are bad to me... My mom is chronically overworked and drinks almost every night... meanwhile my dad will just abuse me any chance he gets Just now my dad locked my card until next month because "i've been spending too much money".... i literally payed for my own trip to see my boyfriend out of pocket and someone he still "needs to punish me" **jdbrown0283:** Are you over 18? If so, why in the world can your dad control your finances? If you're under 18, I'm sorry you're going through this and as soon as you can, get a bank account theu can't access amd don't know about. This is financial abuse. >**OP:** Currently 19 but im mentally disabled so my parents still have access to it.. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

My dad keeps making sexual comments on me and my boyfriend and I don't know what to do

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17x7hjw/my_dad_keeps_making_sexual_comments_on_me_and_my/

17x7i87

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Icy_Acanthaceae9635 **Am I wrong for making my son take a paternity test?** **Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!infidelity, emotional manipulation and abuse, verbal abuse, teen pregnancy, betrayal and physical assault!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/IGhXB2DLbo)  **May 14, 2023** All names have been changed This is a mess, and I would appreciate opinions from unbiased people. It was recommended that I post here and another page. I F39 have two kids, M17 and F10. When I was 21 I had a one night stand which resulted in my son Austin, the father, wanting nothing to do with my child. When my son was 3 I met my husband Mark M38. My son adores my husband and calls him father. Austin met his current girlfriend through Mark's best friend Alan, her father. Macy and Austin have been close since they were young and we were all thrilled when we found out they were dating. After we found out, Mark and I sat Austin down and explained that we're happy for him but we needed him to know the importance of safe sex whether it was happening or not. He was disgusted but said he understood and we left it at that. For context, my son is what others describe as shy and soft spoken, he's really sensitive and takes harsh comments/actions to heart. We thought everything was fine with him until he came home crying, he eventually told us Macy had cheated on him. I was angry and urged my son to leave, but my husband calmed us both and asked to speak with Austin privately. Essentially he asked Austin what he wanted to do and if he wanted us to stop seeing Macy and her father, Austin said he didn't want that and wanted to work things out with Macy. I was upset but didn't say anything, ever since that happened, I've hated seeing her around. All I think about when I see her is my son distressed and crying his eyes out. I act cordial around her but I don't like her. Around February, Austin came home looking rather upset again so I sat down with him and asked what's going on? I wasn't expecting to hear him say what he said to me "Macy's pregnant." I was furious, I told him I expected better from him. I also said that before anything happened, he needed to do a paternity test. He was angry that I suggested she cheated again, but I didn't like how she was suddenly pregnant. When Mark came home from work, I filled him in and he was equally upset, we all sat down and discussed it. Austin explained that I demanded a paternity test was done, and Mark wasn't happy to hear that. I explained that she's cheated before, she could've cheated again. That led to a huge argument before we all calmed down, I asked if her parents knew. Apparently not, he said she agreed to tell them tonight. And sure enough, about an hour later Mark gets an angry call from Alan demanding that my son marries his daughter, and if Austin refuses he demands that he pay child support and stay out of this kid's life. Of course we were all angry and exhausted, so I said that nothing was happening until a paternity test was done and I wasn't taking the word of a cheating little girl. He blew up at us and it was radio silence after the call, Macy was told she can no longer see Austin and he took it out on me. A few weeks ago, Alan contacted us and agreed to do a paternity test. I asked why the sudden change but he ignored me, he said he set up the appointment for May 5th. Austin went with Mark, he said he didn't want to be around me. It stung and I won't lie, it made me cry when he said that. Results finally came in a few nights ago and he isn't the father, he was shattered. Instead of apologizing, he screamed that this was my fault and he'd have never known, he hasn't said much to me since. Maybe I was wrong for making him do a paternity test, but I was only looking out for my son. Was I wrong for making him take a paternity test? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/5uIKlmqTPz)  **Oct 25, 2023** Hello all, I got a few requests for an update, so here it is. First of all I'd like to thank everyone for their opinions. I was questioning if I did the right thing since finding out he wasn't the father and thought I was too rough with the situation. We've all been in therapy, group and individual. My son has started to come around and apologized for the yelling and "shitty choices" (he calls it that, not me) he made. His therapist encouraged him to explain his thought process about the entire thing, and essentially, he thought she was 'the one.' She was his second girlfriend and thought that they had a strong bond until one of his friends showed him a picture of her kissing some other guy, it turned into a big fight and only escalated when he found out they had slept together. I myself have been cheated on and it made me angry to know Austin had to experience it himself, he said he wasn't happy about the entire thing and he's feeling guilty for taking it out on me, we hugged it out and got ice cream afterwards. (Our little ritual after we've had an argument.) Austin also broke up with Macy after finding out, of course she blames me for the entire thing, but she's old enough to know that her actions have consequences, she hasn't been handling it well. Apparently she's been lashing out at everyone possible and attempted to egg our house. Austin has been quiet but I can tell he's starting to accept what's going on and he's been spending more time with friends. I've been giving him his space and I think that's helped in the long run. Now onto Mark, a lot of people had a lot of assumptions about him and some even suggested he is the father, but that is far from the truth. He's known this little girl her entire life and thought she was better than that, he wasn't trying to "save his friendship" with Alan, he was allowing our nearly adult son to make his own choices and deal with the consequences of said choices. Macy has also given birth recently, and we know who the father is. Unfortunately the father was Austin's best friend "Chris." He decided it was a good idea to tell Austin while they were hanging out here, I wasn't in the room when he was told, but I was there when he started to beat Chris up. I was outside setting up Halloween decorations in the front yard when I heard a thunk and some screaming, so I ran in through the front door to find Austin punching Chris over and over again. Mark also heard the commotion and came to pull Austin off Chris. Chris apologized and left, it wasn't until he drove away that Austin broke down crying. We all went out for dinner that night, and we've tried to cheer him up, but I'm starting to realize he needs space on this and to let him come to me about it when he's ready. Mark and Austin have been going out the last couple of days, Mark says that he remembers when he was Austin's age and only hopes he's helping him realize that he's got a whole lifetime to find his "one." Therapy has helped us out, but I know he needs his space to process this, thank you all once more and please take care of yourselves! **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Prudence_rigby** >Also, what happened with Allen? **OOP replied** >>As far as I know, he's gotten in contact with Chris and his parents and they are working out child support. I haven't personally heard from him, but this is what Mark has told me. **Prudence_rigby** >>>I wonder if he was as hostile with them as he was with yall. >>>Their friendship survived unscathed or were they distant up until the paternity test? **OOP replied** >>>>They were distant, and they are still distant. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Am I wrong for making my son take a paternity test?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17x7i87/am_i_wrong_for_making_my_son_take_a_paternity_test/

17x7ivw

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/throwravanderlinder **I (29M) think that my girlfriend (26F) is only with me because she can’t be with her “best friend” (26M). Should I just end the relationship?** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Mentions of verbal abuse and infidelity, emotional manipulation!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/MRFfcdytLS) **Nov 8, 2023** Sorry for the long post, I didn't realize how much I had to say until I got it all typed out. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads all this. I’ve been with my girlfriend Jordan for a little over 2 years, we live together and we have 2 cats. Up until this weekend I genuinely thought everything was perfect in our relationship, which I know is what everyone says in these posts but I really was thinking that I was going to ask her to marry me sometime in the next year. We don’t ever get into arguments, Jordan is very sweet and easygoing and normally we just mesh well on everything. Honestly, if everything in our relationship hadn’t been so good up until now I probably would’ve just broken up with her this weekend. But because things have truly been so perfect I’m not sure if maybe I’m jumping to the wrong conclusion about what to do because my feelings got hurt. The other person who’s important in this story is Jordan’s friend Mark. She’s known Mark for their whole lives because they both grew up in the same small religious community. Jordan isn’t part of that religion anymore, she decided to leave the church when she was I think 19 and moved to the state that we live in now. Mark still is in the religion and apparently takes it really seriously, I’m told he now works for the church back in Jordan’s hometown. Also as far as I know Mark is the only person from the religious community that Jordan still talks to besides her parents, which I’m mentioning because I now think it could be a red flag. So on Saturday I met Mark for the first time because he was in our city and Jordan wanted us all to have dinner together. At this point I want to say: I will admit that when we were first dating and I found out that Jordan had a “best friend” who was a guy I didn’t really like it, especially because it seemed like they were on Facetime with each other a lot. But since it was a childhood friend and they mostly didn’t see each other in person, I just trusted Jordan that Mark was only a friend and didn’t let it bother me and eventually I got over it. So when we were going to dinner, I wasn’t jealous or suspicious of Mark at all. If anything I was somewhat excited to finally be meeting him since I’ve been hearing about him for 2 years. But then the way Jordan and Mark acted at dinner is what convinced me that there’s something going on there other than just being “best friends”. I honestly don’t even know how to describe it except to say that I’ve never seen two people act more obviously like they were in love with each other. They literally would not stop touching each other, they were constantly touching each other’s arms and shoulders and at some points they were actually even holding hands. They completely left me out of the conversation and were laughing about inside jokes, and every time they’d laugh they’d do this thing where they put their foreheads together or that was when they’d be holding hands. And then also they were just looking at each other in a way that I didn’t feel comfortable with at all, it was honestly even worse than the touching. It just wasn’t how anyone would look at somebody they’re supposedly just friends with. I’m 100% sure that every stranger looking at our table thought that Jordan and Mark were the couple and that I was her brother or something. I felt like a third wheel the whole time and Jordan didn’t even notice how awkward she was making it for me because she was way too focused on Mark and all the attention she was getting from him. And that’s really not like Jordan at all, usually she’s a lot more considerate and would notice immediately if I wasn’t having a good time or if she was accidentally being rude and excluding someone at the table. So it was genuinely really jarring to be sitting there with her and Mark and basically feeling like I didn’t know my girlfriend at all, it was like he turned her into a completely different person who didn’t even care that I was alive. So finally at one point when Jordan got up to go to the bathroom I just said to Mark: So are you into my girl or what’s going on here? Mark: Nothing’s going on at all. That ship sailed a long time ago. Me: What does that mean? Did you guys date at some point? Mark: No, we never did. And then when she left the church, we both knew it meant that we were never going to. And we’ve accepted being in each other’s lives as friends. There’s nothing else going on at all. Me: That makes it sound like the only reason you’re not together is because she left the church. And all Mark did was shrug. Me: Well, what if she came back to the church? Would you marry her? Mark: Oh, she’s not going to do that. You might as well ask what would happen if a bicycle had six tires. And so then when Jordan came back to the table, Mark said to her: OP wants to know if we’d be married if you weren’t a godless heathen. Jordan: Why, did you two call your mom while I was gone? And then she and Mark both just laughed about it and changed the subject. So because of dinner and that conversation and everything else that I’ve written about in this post, I really feel like Jordan and Mark are in love with each other and not just “best friends” like they say, and the only reason they aren’t together is because they can’t compromise about their religion. I think Jordan thinks that because she’s okay with that decision, she expects me to be okay with being her second choice and in the meantime she’s actually secretly wanting to be with Mark. So that makes me think that I should probably obviously just have self-respect and break up with her, because I shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would rather be with somebody else. But then the problem for me is that our relationship has been so perfect and Jordan has always treated me so well except for this one night. The only time she’s ever acted like this was on the one occasion that Mark was around in person, normally even when she’s talking to him all the time she’s never made me feel this way. So one the one hand I’m wondering if maybe it doesn’t matter what Jordan’s feelings are for Mark, as long as he isn’t going to be around it doesn’t actually seem to affect our relationship. So maybe I just need to cool off and go back to trusting her that they are indeed only friends even if it seems to be true that they have complicated feelings for each other? Or should I just end things? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/KdRlwCSYaD) **Nov 10, 2023** I talked to Jordan on Wednesday night. The TL;DR update to the situation is that I didn’t break up with her, after we talked about everything I feel like that would be too much of an overreaction for what’s actually going on. I do still think I was right to be upset about what I saw happening at dinner on Saturday and Jordan didn’t disagree with me about that, but I think I did jump to the wrong conclusion that it meant that she secretly actually wanted to be with Mark more than she wants to be with me. Now that we’ve talked it out I don’t think there’s a reason to end what’s otherwise the best relationship I’ve ever had and I’m glad that I didn’t just immediately trust my instincts because there was more going on with the situation that I didn’t really understand that Jordan has since told me, and now I do feel like she can be given some grace in this situation assuming nothing like this ever happens again. So thanks for the advice, especially for everyone who told me to just talk to her before I made a big decision. So when we talked I decided to take the main piece of advice that I got from everyone and start by telling Jordan that my feelings were hurt by the way she treated me at dinner with Mark, and then see how the conversation went from there. It turned into a very long talk so I don’t want to try to remember exact quotes and get them wrong but here are the important things: I repeated to Jordan some of what I wrote in the post and said that I felt excluded by her and Mark, especially because they were being overly touchy-feely with each other to the point where it made me uncomfortable. Jordan seemed surprised like she didn’t even notice that she and Mark were touching each other that much, but then she thought about it and said that I was right and apologized. She said that Mark is always really touchy with everybody and not just her (I asked) and so she didn’t even think about it, but that she wished I would’ve said something at the time because she didn’t realize they were being that obnoxious. I said that was part of what bothered me, because I thought that normally she would’ve noticed something like that but she was acting so different around Mark and not paying any attention to anything else including how I was feeling that it was honestly just made me question which one of us she cared about more or if she cared about him as more than just a friend. Jordan apologized more and said that she could understand why it would look that way to me, but that she loves me and cares more about me than anyone else in the world and that she didn’t mean to act like that or make me feel that way. She said that she was trying to not make Mark feel like a third wheel because of being a single guy out with a couple but obviously it backfired and just made me feel like the third wheel instead which wasn’t what she wanted to do either. After that Jordan explained a lot to me about her history with Mark, and basically as she explained it she said that she fully admits she cares about him as more than just a normal friend but she says that it’s not in a romantic way. She said that’s why she always specifically refers to him as her “best friend” and not just as her friend, and said that she would use the phrase “he’s like my brother” if it weren’t for the fact that she once had an actual brother (RIP) so she won’t use that phrasing for anyone else. According to Jordan the main thing that happened to make her and Mark so close was that when she was 17 she tried to kill herself, and that was actually when everyone else in the community stopped talking to her and Mark was the only person who didn’t. For the next couple of years until she moved he was literally her only friend and she said that he checked on her every single day to make sure she stayed alive which is also when they got into the habit of talking on the phone so much. And also apparently during this time Mark’s parents thought they were dating and made a big deal about how they shouldn’t be and that’s why she made that remark during dinner, apparently calling Jordan a godless heathen is something that Mark’s mom said. I did tell Jordan that Mark basically said to me that he thought the two of them would be married if she had stayed in the church, and I asked her if she thinks that maybe Mark is in love with her even if she doesn’t feel the same way. She said definitely not and I don’t think she was being dishonest, I really don’t agree with her but I think she genuinely believes that Mark isn’t into her in any way apart from friendship. Her opinion of the situation is that she also thinks she and Mark would eventually have gotten married if she had never left the church or moved, but from her perspective it would’ve been more because of peer pressure than anything else and she doesn’t think it would necessarily have been a good thing. She thinks Mark was just being honest about that, and that possibly from his perspective he thinks he and Jordan would’ve made a good couple but he’s probably thinking that because he’s just assuming that in that scenario she’d be the perfect church wife so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t be a good couple. But then the big thing that happened at the end of the conversation is that Jordan told me that Mark is coming back through our city on his way home from this trip, and so she was going to invite him to hang out with the two of us again, but she said that if I’m going to be uncomfortable with him around then she won’t ask him. A lot of people were saying that if she didn’t offer to cut contact with him or to cut down on contact with him it meant that she valued him over me, so the fact that she brought up on her own that she wouldn’t invite him to dinner with us again because I didn’t like it seemed like a really good sign to me. Based on everything else that she said, I do understand why she didn’t offer to totally stop being friends with him and I wouldn’t expect her to after what she told me about what happened when she was a teenager. So now I’m deciding to take Jordan’s word for it that although she and Mark are weirdly close, it’s for the reasons that she explained to me and not because she’s in love with him. I think the fact that she was immediately apologetic instead of defensive was good, and the way she explained everything did make sense to me. I don’t necessarily trust Mark but I do think I can trust Jordan. But I am going to watch and see if it seems like she’s still talking to him as much as she used to or if anything changes or sounds different, I’m not going to be controlling and tell her that she can’t talk to him or that she has to talk to him less but I want to see if me talking to her about all of this causes her to act any differently at all. I’m kind of thinking she might realize on her own that the way Mark acts towards her actually does seem like he likes her as more than a friend now that I’ve brought it up, but I don’t know. It could be that things just go back to exactly the way they were before and I won’t know if anything has actually changed until the next time Mark is around in person, but I don’t think that’s something I should keep worrying about before it happens. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Pixel_Spartan** >OP - did she acknowledge that the touching BY HER was inappropriate? I do not see how she could not have recognized how touchy they were and her lack of physical touch with you. Like many others have said - I am not sure Jordan was being completely honest with you. >Did you ask here how she would have felt in a reverse situation? >If the three of you meet again you might want to think about excusing yourself to go to the bathroom or something during the meal and instead hide and film their interaction while you “are gone”. See if Jordan changes how she interacts when you are not there. I say to capture it on your phone because then you have it to show her if you break up. If she interacts appropriately while you are gone then she may have gotten the message. She should also start limiting her interactions with him (phone/text), because that relationship is not healthy and no SO should have to deal with that if you two get married. It needs to be dealt with now. **OOP replied** >>She did acknowledge that all the touching was inappropriate, yes. When she actually thought back on how much they were doing it and how over the top it was she was embarrassed and realized she shouldn't have started acting like that just because Mark makes it seem normal. I didn't ask her how she'd feel in the reverse situation because it seemed like she got it immediately as soon as I told her how it made me feel. >>If the three of us are ever together again I'll definitely be watching everything but I don't think there's a chance of that happening for a while. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I (29M) think that my girlfriend (26F) is only with me because she can’t be with her “best friend” (26M). Should I just end the relationship?

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17x7ivw/i_29m_think_that_my_girlfriend_26f_is_only_with/

17x7jdr

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/tortugatramposa](https://www.reddit.com/user/tortugatramposa/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. **Mood Spoiler:** >!happier ending!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14eqqla/aita_for_yelling_at_my_family_for_getting_me_a/)**: June 20, 2023** Unfortunately, I(18F) was born a day after my cousin(20F). Every since I was little, my needs for my birthday were always outshines by hers. We always did family events to celebrate our birthdays since we're the oldest kids in our family, so we kind of just shared a birthday. We had the same cake(My family either never wrote my name on it, or would messily scribble it on at the last minute), party decorations and games catered to her taste, and mostly all gifts would be for her. I just usually ended up getting a $10 gift card for Walmart or something, while she always got dolls, games for her Nintendo DS, and even a puppy one time! I always felt like that I didn't matter for my birthday. Even my quinceañera fell flat, since my family went all out making my cousin feel like the most special girl in the world. But my cousin was always nice to me, and she would give me some of her gifts just to put a smile on my face. This year was my 18th birthday, and all my relatives were gathered in one place to celebrate me and my cousin's birthdays. My mother had promised me my own separate cake, and that it'll be an OREO ice cream cake(My favorite cake). So I was excited. When my abuela gathered the family together to blow out the candles and sing happy birthday, my cousin and I got in our respective spots. They started singing while my mother brought a cake to the table and placed it in front of my cousin. It was a strawberry cheesecake. After we got done singing, my cousin blew out her candles and everybody clapped. My aunt started to cut the cake, and I would audibly ask about my cake. My entire family looks confused, and they all say "This cake is for the both of you". My cousin spoke up, saying "But it only has my name on it". I looked to my mom, who had a "What?" expression on her face. I asked about the cake, and she told me, "You don't need the extra sugar." At that point, I just lost it, screaming at my family members and calling them all AHs. I cried about how this is the fifteenth year in a row that they've left me out and forgot about me, and how they ruined my birthday by always prioritizing my cousin. My cousin and little brother also jumped in and defended me, saying that I'm always never thought of. My abuela had the audacity to deliberately interrupt me, telling me to sit down and stop yelling. Through anger, I yelled that I never wanted to see any of them again and stormed off. My cousin and brother followed me, all comforting me while I cried my eyes out. This happened a few days ago, and I've been receiving angry messages from my family members calling me an ungrateful b\*\*\*\*. I'm at my cousin's apartment right now writing this, all while texting my little brother to vent. Reddit, AITA for yelling at my family for not giving me the cake that I've wanted for nearly my entire lifetime? **Edit: Probably June 24, 2023 (4 days later, Same Post)** After reading the replies, my cousin and I have made the tough decision to block all of the toxic family members and go non-contact. I’ll be living at my cousin’s apartment now, and we’re working on finding me a job. **Final Edit: (Sometime between June 24-29, Same Post)** I won't be responding to any more comments, but just know that I'm in a safe place right now, and we're working on where to go from here(Not just a job, but finding a way to afford college for me and such). Thank you, Reddit. There might be update posts soon since a lot happened after the drama of going no contact. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Your cousin and brother sound like the only reasonable people. Maybe you could go out just the three of you for cake?* "Funnily enough, that's exactly what happened after I walked off. My cousin took my brother and I back to her apartment, and she went to our local Walmart to get an OREO ice cake for me, as well at 18 candles. She sang "Feliz Cumpleaños" to me, and gave me $100." *Where are your parents in all of this? Why have they let this happen over the years?* "My parents funded the parties, as well as my aunt, uncle, and abuela. I remember asking them why I never got my own cake when I was 11, and they simply told me "We just don't have enough money". But that's a lie, since our house that I've grown up in is pretty big, they have two BMWs in the driveway, and my little brother is going to private school soon." *Did your mom forget? Is she too broke?* It seemed like she just didn’t want to get it. She even texted me “Can’t believe you’re mad that I didn’t get you a damn cake. You didn’t need it anyways. 😂”. *Why is everyone seemingly against you? What is the root of this favoritism? Is there any context?* "I hate to make this a long self-pity party, but I’ll tell everything that’s happened growing up. I was kind of an unwanted child by my dad since he wanted a son, and my wasn’t feminine enough for my mother. I even remember when I turned six that my parents just kind of put me to the side after my little brother was born. I’ve never really felt like I earned the spotlight enough. They would always congratulate my brother when he made an accomplishment, but mine just kind of fell flat. My parents are the types that believe that art isn’t a real job, so they just kind of shook me away whenever I showed them a drawing I made. And my mother would always make offhand comments on how much she wishes that I was like my cousin, who’s more feminine, traditionally ladylike, and was an academic scholar back in school(She graduated with Summa Cum Laude). I was basically a C-average student, tomboyish, and kind of average-looking in appearance. I get that I’m not the perfect kid, but I kind of wish my parents at least would treat me like **their** kid, you know?" "Growing up, my parents always compared me to my cousin. “Emily has better grades, her pictures look prettier, her blonde locks are gorgeous(I have African-American roots, so I have curly, frizzy hair), You’re going into art? Well, she’s going into medical school!”. I’ve never resented my cousin for being better, but I hated my parents constantly shoving it in my face." *On OOP's quince:* "Here’s the funny thing: we had separate quinces, but since my cousin’s 17th birthday fell on my 15th, they also went out making her look and feel like a princess." ***Clarification after the first edit:*** "My cousin's only going non-contact with our abuela, my parents, and any other toxic family member. She's still contemplating her parents at the moment. As for my brother is still a minor, so he has to put up with them for a few more years. Quick edit: She and I blocked them on everything else as well, since my abuela tried to message my cousin on FaceBook that I was "corrupting her little angel and she wanted her to stay pure and good"." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17s9uy6/update_birthday_cake_incident/)**: November 10, 2023 (Nearly 5 months later)** Hello, everybody. Teresa here. A lot has happened within the last five months of the incident at what was supposed to be my 18th birthday party. There were many ups and downs that's just mentally drained me. Alright, first off... I blocked my family members. The toxic ones, at least. A lot of commenters suggested this, so I took this as the best course of action. I've been receiving call after call from my family members chastising me for making a scene, and "breaking my cousin's trust with them". My cousin was appalled by their behavior towards me and decided to cut all of them out. I've been living with my cousin for about a month after that point. I was able to get a job, and help out just a little. I started taking online classes and saving up some money for my own apartment, because I felt like I was being too big of a burden for my cousin. My cousin tried to stress that I was welcome to stay as long as I needed, but I told her that I was ready to leave everything behind. Back in October, I was packing some things up to get ready to move. My cousin told a family friend about this, and said-friend told my mother, who reached out to me on a burner account on Instagram asking if we could meet up and talk. My heart ached when I realized who it was. I haven't heard from my mother for four months by that point, so I was admittedly skeptical. This may have been a dumb move, but I agreed to come — under the condition that my cousin assisted me. We met up at a local restaurant, and I saw my mother for the first time in months. She looked depressed and lost a lot of weight, and seemed happy to see me... for once. She tried to hug me, but I stopped her. She respected that. We sat down and began to talk, catching up with everything. At the end of the conversation, she apologized and asked if we could start things over. As much as I wanted a relationship with my parents, I just told her that I couldn't forgive her for the past fifteen years. Of always making me feel unimportant, and making me feel worthless after all this time. I told her that for once in my life, I was legitimately happy, and that things would be better if we never spoke again. My mother, surprisingly, didn't contest this. She just hung her head, and paid the bill. That happened a month ago. As of right now? I've moved far away from home halfway across the country. I'm still no-contact with my parents and toxic family members, I live in a small apartment, and I have a decent job as a waitress. My cousin, little brother, and I chat time to time and we're still doing as great as ever! It's a bit quiet here, so I might adopt a puppy soon. I wish I could say it was a happy ending with a shit-ton of drama and everybody clapped at the end, but it's best to just tell the truth. Thank you everybody for your advice.

AITA for yelling at my family for getting me a birthday cake I don't want for the 15th year in a row?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17x7jdr/aita_for_yelling_at_my_family_for_getting_me_a/

17x7jjf

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Empty\_Researcher\_348](https://www.reddit.com/user/Empty_Researcher_348/). She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest and r/legaladvice **Trigger Warning:** >!std; infidelity; harassment; !< **Mood Spoiler:** >!sad and frustrating!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17ek3ex/my_husband_has_ruined_both_our_lives_by_asking_me/)**: October 23, 2023 (deleted by mods of TOMC, preserved on OOP's page)** My husband has ruined both our lives by asking me to double up his lunch serving for work. My husband has ruined both our lives by asking me to double up his lunch serving for work. I’m on a throw away because I still haven’t fully decided on divorce but I’m 95% sure on it. Me f26 and My husband m25 and I have been married for almost two years and have a 6month old baby. I work part time only to supplement our income and to pay for the legal process of getting him documented. We are very fortunate that it seems it may be an easy process of maybe 2 years max for his residency but now I’m going to cancel everything and ask for a divorce. My routine used to be I wake up 1.5hours before him in the morning and make him lunch and pack everything for him for work and have his breakfast coffee and clothes ready for him to wake up, eat get dressed and head out with in 30mins. He used to be satisfied with what I packed him of freshly made chicken in either honey buffalo, lemon pepper and salad or some sort of chicken wraps ect. Pure healthy food. I did this because I wanted to make his life easier and show him I cared and love him and I’ve done this since we first moved in together more then 3 years ago. Well recently I’ve had to start including dinner leftovers because he started asking for more food that he was still hungry afterwords, which I thought it was odd because no matter if I work or not he always comes homes to prepared food so even if he wasn’t full he would be okay. But I explained it off with maybe he’s bulking or something. So I started including what I normally take to work which has caused me to either go without lunch and having to wait til after work or be late for work because I have to wait till the food is ready and take some because I’m breastfeeding and can’t miss eating every time(I’ll leave food going such as in a crockpot or low heat depending how long after I leave he gets home) Well last week when I was packing his lunch I found a unrecognized second fork in his lunchbox and was thrown off so I asked and he said he found it in the kitchen of his work and brought it home. (Odd why didn’t he just leave it?) I had noticed small changes in him that I gaslighted myself into I’m being insecure because I just had a baby but this made the pit of my stomach churn. So a few days later I decided to go to his work during lunch to “surprise him” with dessert 🍮 and for him to see the baby. Well that was when I found out why he wanted more food. His coworker he told me no longer worked there, who I’d caught him talking too friendly to and I told him it bothered me and I had him remove from everything and block on whatsapp not only still worked there but was eating the lunch I freshly prepared for HIM and he was eating the leftovers. I didn’t cause a scene instead took pictures and added to my folder of everything he’s done before from simple hearting other girls stories after telling me he didn’t to naked pictures of a coworker from a previous job he got fired from because of her. I drove home crying to packed my things when I got home I took the bassinet and anything I’d need for the baby and my essentials and went to my sisters and BILs and told them everything and even showed him our conversations from WhatsApp where he told me she no longer worked there. I normally text him through the day so he started texting me and calling me to see if I was okay and what was for dinner? He was almost off is everything okay? And then he got to the house a hour earlier than usual (which also has me question if he’s been lying about what time he gets off too) and saw mine and the babies things gone. And my letter that he had 7 days to leave my house (my mom gave it to me when I was 20) and that he can communicate with my mother to see the baby when I’m at work or whenever he wants to see her just let her know and I’ll drop off the baby with her. I for the time being don’t want anything to do with him. And I left the printed fotos of them eating lunch laughing together under the letter. Later that night when I decided I no longer wanted anything to do with him I informed the lawyer (we had a group WhatsApp chat with me him, the lawyer, paralegal and my BIL (our cosponser)) that I no longer was going to need his services. And then messaged the lawyer privately to ask if I could maybe move our contract and the money I’ve paid so far over to his divorce and family practice. He said unfortunately no there’s some clause or something that if we decide to no longer pursue the case we lose the money we’ve invested and also that his immigration practice is a partnership with different people then his family one. But he will just leave our case open till we get a response for our next appointment from the government and if we haven’t worked things out by then, then he will cancel everything. Well this cause him to go insane because now if he doesn’t get papers he has to choose between his daughter and parents. To either risk never seeing his parents and family again or never seeing his daughter again if he goes over there. He’s begging me to the point I blocked him on everything, he’s came to my BIL house and been told to leave or we are calling police then he later came back drunk with his buddies who then were all scared off by my BIL and his shotgun. I feel so lost, broken and depressed. I also have security at work to make sure he doesn’t show up at my office. My sister tells me to leave him but not to divorce so he can never get with anyone else and get papers but I can’t do that to him. Ive gone back home (only to check on the house and see if he’s gone im still staying with my sister) and surprisingly there’s no damage to anything and his things (only) are gone. So at least I feel a little relief in that. I’m not looking for advice I know I’m not going back, there is no longer any trust, my mental health wouldn’t be safe in that relationship, and I know I can’t have my daughter grow up with that kind of relationship being an example. I just needed to put this out there in order for it to solidify in my brain and to be able to reflect that this is now a pattern and he’s gone beyond disrespecting me by now also making me make HER food. I’ve been budgeting trying to make things last, sometimes eating less then I want to or skipping meals if possible (if a meal was heavier of carbs I’d skip since I should have enough for my milk supply) all to be able to pay bills, lawyer his gym membership and supplements. I lose out on rest and sleep because I ensure laundry and the house is kept spotless while the baby sleeps. I’ve basically gone from an independent educated career woman to a 1950s house wife with a job and school, all because I blindly fell for this man. When I say I feel stupid that’s an understatement. **Anyhow TLDR**: my husband had me (his breastfeeding wife) skipping meals and going out of my way to make him an extra lunch for his side chick at work. And now I have the house cars and he’s lost his nuclear family and ability to get a green card to be able to stay in the states and/or see his family in Mexico ever again. Edit: My phone seems to post it without paragraphs no matter what I do but I promise i tried to format it even though I was an emotional mess. This time I double spaced the paragraphs to see if that helps idk if it’s my phone or what. Some things I want to clarify I’ve been seeing in the comments. No my sister isn’t pushing me to stay in a relationship with him, she’s telling me not to divorce him so that he can’t just go find another woman to marry and use for the green card. No im not taking anything from him that wasn’t mine before we got married. Before me he lived in a house with 7other men sharing a bedroom with a bunk bed, and he drove a 2000 Buick he had to unplug from the battery in order to use it again. That car got scrapped after the electrical when out. The car he is using is my car I got in high school that got me through high school part time /seasonal jobs and community college. Also my mom isn’t dead, she gave me my childhood home because I was going to college and it’s 10minute commute from the college. She gave it to me because I’m the last of the kids all my brothers and sisters are at least 10 years older and aside from my sister who’s helping me, they all live in different states. He left home with a motorcycle his customizing, his gaming systems, clothes and the guest bedroom tv which was the only tv that was not mounted. Also I’m not keeping his daughter from him. I just personally don’t want to see him because I know he will try to give me a ton of excuses and try to make me “understand” him. He can speak to my sister or mom and they will supervise him to see his daughter whenever he wants to. There is no battle in that. I don’t think he’s a bad father but I just don’t think my relationship with him is the example I want to give my daughter. Yes, I am Mexican too, my dad came to the states and then later brought my mom and 2 brothers 2 sisters. Took a decade to see each other again which is why I’m so apart from my siblings and the only one born here. ***Relevant Comments:*** "I’ve been told by my sister to inform everyone that this was my first actual long term relationship. She says that may give people a clue as too why I was so naive. It was also very early in the relationship and we weren’t living together yet. I met him when I was traveling around to local jobs where it was known immigrants worked to post and inform them of local resources to help them with medical insurance, free clinics and ESL programs for children and adults. I was working for a seasonal daycare program for agriculture workers." *How are you going without food if you both work and own your own home?* "He makes below minimum wage due to undocumentation, I work part time minimum wage because I can’t be away from the baby due to breastfeeding. He also sends money to provide for his parents and younger siblings" *Why did putting more food in his lunch cause budgeting issues?* "Yes, I was budgeting in order to be able to save money for the lawyer expenses but now that I look back it was basically him paying bills and pocketing the left over for gym and supplements plus tools/paints and whatever while my paycheck was going to groceries, his family in Mexico and diapers. And yes, I feel really stupid, naive and blind" *What would get you more child support- him getting a green card and permanent job here or not? Basically when should you divorce?* "This may be the numbness in me talking at the moment but I don’t need his money he can contribute by buying her diapers clothes and whatever necessities. Now that I’m not catering to him I can leave my part time paper pushing job and find a good daycare for my daughter go back to teaching. I might also just sell my second car and lower my car payment. Full time job and one less person in my home also means lower utilities since it’s less utilities being used at home. No mortgage, no stupid expenses on random gym crap/ $40 membership, just protein creatines and supplements was at least $150 a month not to mention whatever he was doing to that junk motorcycle. My sister and mom have talked me through finances and my BIL said I could honestly keep my part time job get on government benefits and spend more time with my daughter but I think mentally I need to go back to teaching, and feel the independence of being self reliant again. Food stamps feels like it’s just one thing he will throw in my face. Idk if I’m trying to hold on to what little bit of pride I have left or it’s just the anger I have inside that I wanna show him and his chick I am better without him." "If I continue with the process I’ll be legally and financially responsible for him for years to come. Supervised visits is due to him never being more the. 3 hours (aka one bottle fed) alone with the baby. Also the fear of him taking my child to another country now that he’s loss everything here and he may just decide to go to Mexico a place where he can’t come back unless he risks his life again, is very real." *The other woman:* "Idk she doesn’t have anything to offer she doesn’t have a legal status either because she overstayed her visa to my understanding from a coworker of his I went to school with. According to her that woman is younger, no legal status or education, no English and she’s already gotten in trouble for being inappropriate in the work place before and if there is proof that they are being inappropriate that will be a strike against him and firing against her. Apparently she likes to call herself “one of the guys” because she’s a woman who works in a male dominated job and degrades women making jokes with the men." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17r90k1/update_husband_feeding_side_girl_wives_cooking/)**: November 9, 2023 (almost 3 weeks later)** Sorry it’s been a while since I updated anyone, I’ve been busy sorting out my life and this was supposed to be a throwaway so I didn’t expect it to blow the way it did much less anyone to actually want updates. \-I guess I’ll start with the most asked question which was if I left him? Yes, I also got a full check up and I indeed had an infection I was lucky I could treat and be good without any further issues. This also confirmed his unfaithfulness because as I mentioned I had a baby not long ago and during the whole pregnancy they checked me for everything and they had done a full panel when I was 3months postpartum because I got a UTI and my doctor wanted to ensure it was only that. \-Did I talk to him to get his side of the story? Yes, when I went to tell him about the infection I allowed him to speak his mind about everything I only asked him for the truth as there wasn’t anything else for him to ruin, it was completely over at this point. And here’s a basic tldr: • He never meant to hurt me, he loves his daughter and me •he enjoyed the attention it was something new and exciting •it took his mind off the stress of bills, kid, my “emotional” state and the general routine his life •life had gotten boring and she entertained him (I’m sorry that your wife organized your previously chaotic life) That’s about what I believed to be true out of the couple of hours of begging, excuses, gaslighting, and even blaming. The rest was: •The infection is a common one that happens because of cow 💩 everywhere and because he goes out and pees outside without washing his hands or something 🙄 •She doesn’t like men she was just one of the guys (cmon really??) •I only gave her lunch that day! It was just the one time that she forgot her lunch and she asked me because she saw I had two lunches 🙄 •He would never stand so low to break his family why would I make such assumptions (oh so you knew what you were doing) Once I showed him my MyChart with my results and explained how it’s not a normal infection like ecoli that you can get because of poop and it was an actual transmissible infection. I also explained that I hadn’t slept with anyone since we met! And how my doctor explained that if I would have had any kind of transmissible diseases I would have known during my pregnancy because not only is it common practice to test for all risks but my high risk pregnancy and preterm labor she tested for all kinds of things to see if she could find the cause of issues and afterword to find the cause of preterm labor. He admitted it shortly after that he listened to me and saw my drs note (I’ll add I have the best obgyn and she was amazing in listening to me and allowing me to cry and gave me not only support during that moment with even having a nurse take my daughter out for me to cry but also printed me information and ensured me that a simple medicine will make it all go away and I should not see any more issues) Anyhow He’s staying at the dairy at some trailer the owner let him borrow and for those who thought she would take him in turns out she’s engaged and she is about to start her wedding and do a adjustment of status (get her papers) Anyways I’m back to living on my own, my baby is doing great, I have another office job lined up for January, and I have a few universities I’ve applied to, I’m currently going to community college online but if I get into a uni I think I’ll move out of this town, my grandma said she would move with me to help me. Some days are long like today it’s late at night and I can’t sleep because I miss him. But I’ve been entertaining myself getting rid of stuff in my home to start a new slate and organize everything. I won’t lie and say I’m doing great. On my days off I don’t get out of bed. My house is clean but my bedroom has my laundry basket over full and I brought out the guest blankets and pillows to use. People at work have noticed a slowed pace in my work and I was offered time off but I denied it. Although now that somehow the rumor of what happened has reach my job I may take it. Thank you for all the support everyone. Although I had a few people call me names and talk badly to me in my messages, I appreciate the other people who commented nice things and showed me support. ………………………. Edit for update: Woke up to husbands call, he apologized again. I’m Still not budging, but he told me he was talking to some guys at work about free clinics or where they go when their sick and turns out that same woman has been sleeping with a few from there. Idk if around the same time but one of them told my husband where to get treated for free because he got it from her too. In his apology which sounded more sincere this time but I believe it’s worse because it’s only after he realized he wasn’t special to her just another one of the guys she slept with. But I say sincere because he didn’t have many excuses instead he seemed to hold himself accountable by saying he had won the lottery and messed up. He begged for a second chance because he doesn’t know what came over him. He says he hates coming home to an empty trailer he misses seeing his daughter the moment after work. What choked me up was when he said he used to feel more exhausted when he used to come home to us because the baby would be excited to see him and would cry to be held by him, and during the week I would often leave the same easy meals made for him so he could eat while I left to work and he started to feel tired of it. It was a boring routine of same foods during the week. Coming home and having to watch the baby so I could go to work. That solidified to me that I don’t ever want to find another relationship much less go back to him. The routine I worked hard to put my family together, was a chore to him. I literally dealt with a fussy tired child til he got home so she would mostly sleep and he would only need a single bottle for her but even that was too hard. He said he would give up the world just to be back into his routine because now he comes home to an empty trailer where it’s just a bed and a fold out table. He hasn’t eaten his diet because he doesn’t have time to prep. He started spending money on lunch because he doesn’t have food made for him. He says he misses the baby so much that he now cries when he goes home. I told him idk what to tell him about that, but if wanted to see the baby when I go to work he can go see her at my moms who now’s babysits for me. Knowing my mom she makes food and she would never deny him food so he can go over there and eat and be with the baby after work. But I had to go I couldn’t talked anymore. When I tell yall I’ve never cried so hard in my life, it’s an understatement. It doesn’t help it’s raining today. I think I’m calling into work today and tomorrow talking to my boss about taking those days. …….. **Edit: November 10 (Same Post)** I was logging off for a while but I figured I’d update everyone to let you know she found my home and started harassing me now. I guess somehow her fiancée found out and she thinks it was because of me. I feel like things are just going from bad to worse. I had to leave my car in my moms garage and borrow my nephews car which my neighbor let me park in her driveway because she threatened to ruin my car like “I ruined her relationship”, which isn’t just hypothetical but also ironic. ***Relevant Comments:*** *What have you decided regarding legal aspects of this (ie green card)?* "I don’t want to make any legal decisions at the moment. I’m barely getting through leaving him, I don’t want to also put on too being responsible for my daughter to lose her dad. Because of his stupidity" *Someone cautions her to not overly listen to reddit here, because this is a decision with huge ramifications. She should just do what feels right for her and her child:* "I feel like there’s no way out without severe damage. I feel like I’m in that bridge game from squid games except all tiles break at any decision just some have lesser consequences than the others. I currently don’t want to make ANY decisions because I feel safe in limbo atm because even though my logical reasoning understands if he gets deported it’s going to be from his decision my emotional reasoning feels responsible for it. I don’t want him back the betrayal and his dishonesty has broken any trust I could ever have and I don’t think it would be good for my mental health to continue a relationship like that. I grew up seeing my mom always asking and wondering if my step was cheating or not to the point my mom neglected us because she was so busy ensuring her husband wasn’t cheating. It turned a once loving caring involved mother into a toxic person who would take her daughters out at 3 am to go to shady neighborhoods to see if her husbands car was outside someone’s house. I don’t want that for myself or daughter. I saw cheating ruin my mother without her ever being unfaithful, I seen it destroy my sisters first engagement , I have seen my brothers bleed from aggressive cheating women who attack them for wanting to take their kids from toxic environments with drugs and other men. Cheating is something I don’t want ANY involvement in and I’ve seen what it does to people. But I also have that responsibility that I want my daughter to have her dad. So in the meantime I am having that distance because I KNOW what is better for her and I am trying my best to stick to the logical conclusion not the emotional one. No matter how much I miss him, but I tell myself I don’t miss this person talking to me. I miss the person who made me feel safe, loved and cared for. And even then I’m starting to look back and realize a lot of it was me in a delusional state thinking that him hugging me when I asked, me going to him for kisses, me cuddling to him, was all love. I felt safe with him not because he made me feel safe but because I thought i was. But looking back it’s embarrassing to say I was the one who did a lot of the instigating of affection. Maybe some of the people who messaged me saying I was I was psycho were on to something. I’m starting to feel like maybe I was in some delusional state and he was just using me." **Legal Advice** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/17rz46f/what_do_i_need_to_file_a_restraining_order_in/)**: November 10, 2023 (Same day as the edit in update post)** My husband cheated on me and the woman who he cheated with is now harassing me. Ig she was engaged and was about to go from a visa to residency because of her fiancée but somehow he found out about her relationship with my husband. She believes it was me but I don’t know who her partner is/was or who told him yet since like 4pm today she’s done the following: •punctured a hole in one of my tires •wrote on my front bay window “home wrecker” • keeps calling me from different numbers and now I’m starting to receive spam text messages after I blocked all of her numbers and stopped answering random numbers •threaten “I’ll ruin your car like you ruined my relationship ####” This is all since this afternoon. I called the police but by the time they showed up she was gone. And they said I had no prove of what’s she doing so unless they find her doing it or I have prove their hands are tied. My mom and step dad said they will put up cameras in my home and my mom is keeping my car at her home. They want me to stay with them too but I don’t want to leave my home incase she tries something against it. The most I was able to get is a police officer patrolling the area. Meaning they will be close by and randomly pass by. I’m not sure what to do, I don’t even know who her partner is and I’m already dealing with leaving my husband and now she’s harassing me? Any advice before it gets worse?

My husband has ruined both our lives by asking me to double up his lunch serving for work.

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17x7jjf/my_husband_has_ruined_both_our_lives_by_asking_me/

17xyxbx

**I am NOT OOP. OOP posted to two accounts** u/throwRA_babymamaa and u/throwra_babymamaaa **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice [**Previous BoRU**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ndfwr/how_do_i27f_tell_a_one_night_stand_30sm_that_i/) **How do I(27f) tell a one night stand (30sm) that I have his kid (1m)?** Mood Spoilers: >!Positive for OOP!< &nbsp; **RECAP** **Posted to u/throwRA_babymamaa** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/16o6le8/how_do_i27f_tell_a_one_night_stand_30sm_that_i/?share_id=ruZmNDYvtJXoBF47TDttx&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **September 20, 2023** OK to keep it simple my son's babydaddy was a one-night stand. He was a trucker who got snowed in, we met at a bar and hooked up, didn't exchange contact info, I was just bored, lonely, and temporarily insane from the pandemic and was being risky and stupid as shit and didn't bother with protection. Love my kid tho, no regrets there, glad I didn't get an STD. When I realized I was pregnant I thought long and hard about it and decided to keep him (thanks Catholic guilt, it's not strong enough to stop me from having sex but strong enough to stop me from getting an abortion lol.. JK I love my kiddo and kept him because I wanted him) I make a decent living, child support would help but we can get by without it. I didn't expect to ever see the babydaddy again and I was OK with that. Kiddo has my last name, I didn't know his. I was fine with being a single mom and dealing with everything myself, TBH some of my friends have shit babydaddies and they and their kids are better off without them, I feel like kiddo and I are better off on our own than trying to add someone to the mix anyway. At least that's what I told myself. But my friend who works at the gas station just happened to see him. She knows his name and race, saw his name on his ID, her nosy-ass made sure to confirm it was the same guy and ask if he remembered me, asked for his number on my behalf and passed it on to me. (I'm sure he is flattered thinking some random hook-up talked up his skills to her friends to the extent that they remembered his name LMAO.) Anyway thanks to her nosy ass I can't claim innocence anymore and am forced to make a decision. SO. First of all, do I say anything? I know it's technically supposed to be the right thing to do but TBH I have heard so many babydaddy horror stories. It's to the point that if I'd gotten pregnant from a hook up with a guy I would reasonably expect to see again (but not know well enough to trust) I might actually abort because I wouldn't want my kid to go through what some kids have gone through. If I say something this guy can sue for custody or guardianship, I can't bear the thought of letting my baby go to some stranger and not being around. Hell he can't even talk and couldn't tell me if something happened, not that I think anything would or that the trucker will want custody in the first place but who even knows these days?? On the other hand how can I deprive my kiddo of a father? It would be one thing if, once he was older, I could honestly say I didn't know where his father was but I can't possibly lie to him about that and I can't imagine telling him I could've found his father but I was too scared. So I'm leaning towards telling him but how do I even do that? Can I just text him the news and get it over with? Should I try to see if he can meet up next time he passes by and tell him face-to-face? Is there any kind of legal shit I should be aware of with this kind of thing?? (yeaah in case you couldn't tell I went from giving no fucks during the pandemic to giving too many fucks about everything as a mom and no matter what plan I make I just keep thinking of the ways things might backfire and somehow hurt my kiddo) I know I am way overthinking probably but please I just need someone to tell me what to do. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **LAGA_1989:** He’s a stranger. If it were me, I would not invite an opportunity to have someone I don’t know at all take my baby half the time because he’s technically the father who had no choice in the decision to have the baby. Just my personal opinion. >**OP:** That's my instinct but I'm also imagining having to justify this to kiddo later when he asks why he doesn't have a dad. &nbsp; **Posted to u/throwra_babymamaaa** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/17iki2f/update_how_do_i27f_tell_a_one_night_stand_30sm/) - **October 28, 2023** This was my first post ([link](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/16o6le8/how_do_i27f_tell_a_one_night_stand_30sm_that_i/?share_id=ruZmNDYvtJXoBF47TDttx&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)), it didn't get a lot of comments but I wanted to let you guys know how it turned out. I forgot my password for my first throwaway so I had to make a new one but it's still me. So a while back I posted here asking for advice about how to tell my babydaddy I have his kid. After figuring out how to run a background check and seeing no criminal history I thought I would try to meet him, do a vibe check, see if he seems cool. Hook up with him again if I need to in order to get to know him. Lol. Anyway. Turns out I didn’t need to go that far. The guy texted me that he was stopping by in town, we met up for breakfast. I was like, cool, promising, breakfast usually doesn’t lead to a hook up, so he actually wants to get to know me which makes it much easier for me to get to know him. We made some typical casual date smalltalk. Then he asks do I have kids. I tell him one. He asks how old. I say one. He’s like “Is he one and one month?” He figured it out on his own. When my friend who never met him recognized him by his name and insisted he get in contact with me, apparently, he was like "It's either a baby or a very serious STD." So I just came clean and told him everything. I haven’t introduced him to kiddo yet. But I showed him a picture. He agrees that kiddo is the cutest kiddo ever and looks like him. We are getting a paternity test. He is definitely the babydaddy because he’s the only Asian guy I’ve been with and kiddo is definitely part Asian. But I don’t blame him for checking since I know some women will lie about things like that. He doesn’t seem like he doesn’t believe me, he just wants to make sure which is fair. Babydaddy says if kiddo is his he’s fine with paying child support and just having supervised visitation until I trust him more. He lives in his truck apparently so no judge would give him any custody until that changed. So that’s how it is. I didn’t really get the choice to decide on my own terms whether to introduce them or not, but so far it all seems to be working out. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **atomik71:** What’s your end goal here? >**OP:** Not sure I have one really, just taking things as they come. I didn't expect him to figure it out on his own and it kinda ruined whatever plans I have. > >It would be nice for kiddo to know his dad assuming his dad is a decent person (I have no reason to think he's not I'm just cautious) and some child support money wouldn't hurt. I support him on my own with some help from friends for childcare, but I could buy some nicer treats for kiddo and start a decent savings account for him with child support. &nbsp; **OOP HAS APPEARED IN THE THREAD AND HAS GIVEN ME PERMISSION TO SHARE HER COMMENT HERE.** [Additional Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ndfwr/comment/k7w0abz/?context=3) A lot of people are really struggling to understand why I was so worried about my babydaddy (I will use whatever words I wanna use, y'all can deal) and whatever risk he might pose to my son, and why I would trust a guy enough to have sex with him but then not want him around my kid. I imagine a lot of you aren't parents but let me try to explain. My son is one year old. He is totally helpless, he is totally dependent on me. I care about him way more than I ever cared about myself. I used to ride a motorcycle, do I anymore? No, I sold it because I don't wanna leave him without a mom. I used to hook up with strangers, do I anymore? No, taking risks is a completely different ball game when I have someone else to worry about besides myself (and also I have no time for that lol.) Every single decision I make is now filtered through the lens of "How could this effect kiddo?" Now when I first realized I was pregnant, I never thought I would see his father again, everything I did was under the assumption I would be doing it alone. Which I knew would make things harder on me in many ways but on the other hand it meant I would never have to see my baby cry because Daddy broke a promise again. It was what it was, pros and cons. I knew I'd have to explain to my son someday that I didn't know how to find his father, I was prepared for that. What I *wasn't* prepared for, was ever having to make the decision of introducing my son to his father or not. That is a whole different ball game. It was like the rug was pulled out from under me. I couldn't say "Oh, it is what it is, pros and cons" anymore. I'd have to make a decision. And my son would have to live with whatever decision I made. That wasn't something I took lightly. Of course I would rather that my son have a good father than not! Two loving parents are better than one! But I didn't know. It was impossible to tell how things would work out in the future. ALL I could think was "If I tell this guy, he can take my son. If I tell this guy, he can take my son. A judge can award him custody of my son and I won't be able to do anything about it." I don't know how to describe how terrifying that thought is. The thought of my helpless, innocent, baby being outside my reach. If something bad were to happen to him during that time he couldn't even tell me. It's not that I thought something bad WOULD happen. I'm not anti-men or anti-trucker or anything like that. I don't think all men are evil. It was just this idea that, once I tell the babydaddy, I've done something I can't undo and anything might happen. You can think I'm horrible, selfish, a narcissist, "the worst kind of female", whatever. None of that matters to me, what's best for my son is the ONLY deciding factor. And in case you didn't realize, I eventually DID make the decision to reach out to the baby-daddy. I did want to get to know him a bit before saying anything. But when he figured it out, I didn't lie. I could have but in the end I decided kiddo deserved to know his dad and if I lied right then I could be throwing away that chance. Since he clearly only agreed to meet me because he figured out what happened. I don't feel like I did anything wrong by being cautious about it. Anyway. Hopefully that clears things up, y'all might still not like me or understand me, but that's how I feel. &nbsp; #NEW UPDATE [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwra_babymamaaa/comments/17t7sql/update_for_those_asking/) - **November 11, 2023** Some people asked for more updates on my story. This update isn’t very exciting but TBH I didn’t expect any of this to be very exciting to strangers outside of the handful of people who originally gave me advice. I’ll be posting updates here from now until I don’t feel like it anymore. Anyway, the paternity test came back positive (duh) and babydaddy (I should probably start calling him a fake name, I’m gonna call him Steve from now on because of someone’s comment that made me laugh) immediately flew to my place and showed up on my porch with a dozen roses. He confessed that he had never stopped thinking about me since our first encounter and I confessed the same. We immediately went to go make another baby. He then proposed marriage and we are planning our wedding and honeymoon in Paris. But then while we were at the store picking out a wedding cake, a team of assassins attacked the bakery and we had to flee. It turns out he is a billionaire in the mafia and he was only pretending to be a trucker as a cover but his enemies found him, now we are on the run and I am pregnant with our next baby named Steve Jr. It really sucks to be on the run while pregnant, I gotta stop and pee all the time but assassins keep popping up at the gas stations. JK JK sorry it is just amusing to me that people are invested in my life, I couldn’t resist the drama. Okay, here’s the real update. The paternity test came back positive and Steve and I have been texting back and forth and talking on the phone. We still need to figure out a good time to meet up so that hasn’t happened yet and I don’t know when it will. Apparently Steve passes by my town a lot but not always at a convenient time to stop for a visit. Anyway I’ve found out a little bit more about him as a person and told him more about me, just getting to know each other, I’ve also sent him every picture of Kiddo (I’m still gonna call my son Kiddo since I actually call him that IRL, if you don’t like it deal) I could find and pretty much told him the entire story of Kiddo’s life up to this point down to every mundane detail. Steve has been pretty mellow about everything so far and doesn’t really seem either upset or excited about anything, but I guess since he figured out what happened a while ago he doesn’t have much reason to be shocked. I’m nervous but also excited. Obviously if everything works out I’m going to be thrilled that Kiddo gets to have a dad. I don’t really have any specific concerns that things won’t work out. I’m just nervous in general because I don’t know what’s going to happen and becoming a mom made me a paranoid wreck. Miscellaneous things: • Steve says he doesn’t have any other kids… to his knowledge. But he usually uses protection, that was an out of character reckless moment for both of us. So he most likely doesn’t. • Steve asked me frankly if I was intentionally trying to get pregnant that night. It might have seemed that way because I told him I had condoms and then I couldn’t find one. But no I legit just forgot where they were and in the heat of the moment we were both drunk/stupid enough to carry on anyway rather than putting our clothes back on and going out to buy some. • I’ve found out Steve’s ethnicity. To put it simply: he’s mixed, I’m not going to list all his ethnicities because that would start to get too specific. He speaks the language of one of his ethnicities as a second language and he sent me some YouTube channels that have some children’s songs in that language so kiddo can be exposed to it so we’ve been listening to those, I think it’s super cool! Some of my friends’ kids (who I babysit) are now super into it. Maybe they’ll all grow up bilingual in (insert name of language here) in the middle of (insert name of mostly white small town in a mostly white state here.) Some people have pointed out that it’s going to be important for Kiddo to have other people in his life that are connected to his culture on his father’s side… I will admit, this isn’t something I gave a lot of thought to and you aren’t wrong. Something that kind of hit me was all the comments about how unusual it is to see an Asian trucker. To be honest… I never thought of that, yeah if I hear the word “trucker” I’ll always imagine a fat white guy (I don’t mean this in an offensive way) but I didn’t really think anything of meeting an Asian trucker. Seeing all the comments made me think, like… what if my son wants to be a trucker when he grows up? Are people going to say it’s weird because he’s Asian? That’s not right. He should be able to be whatever he wants without people thinking it’s weird. I don’t care if he wants to be a trucker, mechanic, ballerina, pro athlete, cop, waiter, none of the above, all of the above… like, I know the comments weren’t poorly intentioned but the idea of my son ever hearing that it’s weird for him to do something because he’s Asian kind of broke me. I know it’s not the same but I grew up hearing that I was weird to do the things I loved because I’m a girl… I already decided long ago my son can be as masculine or feminine as he wants and if anyone has shit to say about it they would have to go through me. But then there’s this whole other angle I never considered that he will probably experience and I don’t know anything about it. Sooo… yeah, I’m glad he will have his dad in his life, and really just more family in general. Steve hasn’t told them about Kiddo yet but he says he’s not worried they’ll be disapproving or anything he’s just waiting for the right time to break the news. (My family is totally disapproving and I’ve pretty much stopped talking to my parents since they’re mad I refused to give kiddo up for adoption to my aunt and uncle.) • I am totally rambling now. Uh, I guess the other thing people commented about was child support? Turns out Steve isn’t doing very great financially right now and his family is going through some serious hardships that he’s been helping them with, so he asked if he can pay me backpay child support later. I just told him not to worry about it… I really don’t need backpay, I don’t need child support at all, I don’t want to wrangle any money from him and any money he gives me for Kiddo it should be because he wants to. I give Kiddo stuff because I love him and want to take care of him, if his dad gives him anything it should be for the same reason, not because he has to. • I also told him, just in case, if he doesn’t want to be Kiddo’s dad he can walk away right now and never contact me again, I won’t go after him in court or anything, I don’t want to introduce Kiddo to any father who thinks of him as a burden or an obligation. He assured me he genuinely does want to meet him and be a part of his life, so… that’s good. Anyway yeah that’s the update for now, I’ll post again when Steve gets a chance to come and meet Kiddo. By the way on my last update I think I got a little carried away arguing with people who apparently didn’t even read my post. This time I’m going to try to make an effort not to do that. I was a little caught off guard but now I’m prepared in case any of these updates get a lot of comments again and I think I’m more mentally prepared to just let people be stupid without it getting to me. Basically what I mean is, I’ll no longer be replying to people who say I hate men, because I don’t (if I hated men why would I have a son?), or I hid my son from his father for a year, or accusing me of anything else that I didn’t do. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

[NEW UPDATE] - How do I(27f) tell a one night stand (30sm) that I have his kid (1m)?

NEW UPDATE

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17xyxbx/new_update_how_do_i27f_tell_a_one_night_stand/

17xyxwy

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Sea_Ambassador4200 **Originally posted to** r/confessions and her own page **I can’t keep my sister’s husband secret anymore** Trigger Warnings: >!predatory behavior toward a child, sexual harassment, rugsweeping assault, peeping tom, possible grooming!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/confessions/comments/16ok505/i_cant_keep_my_sisters_husband_secret_anymore/?share_id=DF5riYBWDYYYavsOOr_vW&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **September 21, 2023** I have a beautiful family. Two loving and caring parents, my sister (35) who is way older than me (she is beautiful, intelligent and capable of doing everything she wants) and her husband (42), he talks a lot and tries to be funny but he is not. I always pictured my sister to end up with someone better, but she loves him so we always treat him good (for her) and we welcomed him when they announced their engagement 10 years ago. At that time I was 13 and we planned a family trip to celebrate their engagement, it was great, my family is traditional so, as they were not married yet, I shared a room with my sister. Remember this because it is important. Everything went good and 3 years ago my sister got pregnant, we were really happy and my parents have always dreamed to have a grandchild so that Christmas was special because it was our last one before welcoming their child. My brother in law was nervous all night and he drank a lot, he tried reaching out to me multiple times but I saw him drunk so I tried to avoid him, when he finally could speak to me he started talking about this weird dream he had, I couldn’t understand a thing so I ignored him. Later that night they went back to their home and I received a message for him saying “Remember that trip when your sister and I announced our engagement? Well, one day on that trip I entered to your bedroom because I was looking for your sister and she was not there, but you were on the bathroom changing your clothes and the door wasn’t fully closed so I could see… My dream was the continuation of that.” That’s all I read and I immediately felt grossed out, he saw that I didn’t respond and tried to continue the conversation (telling me things that I prefer not to repeat) but after a while he gave up, I took screenshots and started crying. I cried all night and told my best friend about it, she told me to talk with my mom and I did. The next day he had deleted all the messages so I showed my mom the screenshots, she told me to stay calm and that she would talked to him. That year we had a trip for New Year’s Eve and it was a nightmare for me, my sister was stressed because of the pregnancy and I felt really guilty, my mom told me that she spoked to him and he apologized, he said that he didn’t mean that and that I misunderstood. She didn’t believe him and warned him about how wrong was what he did, but she knew that my sister needed him at that moment, so she stayed there for me but told me to not tell her about it. Since that moment he haven’t said anything about that to me but I still feel insecure when traveling with them, I have stopped visiting them and lost a lot of time with my nephew. I feel bad for my sister because she knows that something is off but she thinks that is me, I have anxiety now and hate family reunions. I don’t know what to do, we have a family trip soon and I really don’t want to go, I wasn’t like this before and I miss my beautiful family. Any advice? &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Sea_Ambassador4200/comments/17tc3of/i_cant_keep_my_sisters_husband_secret_anymore/) - **November 11, 2023** Thank you for all your comments and support. I was lost and felt a lot of pressure but reading your comments helped me to get through this. It took me a lot to find the courage to tell her and to write and update here, I’m sorry. My mom and I invited my sister for dinner and finally told her, she was obviously devastated but was mostly concerned about my mental health, she asked me how I’ve been feeling and thanked us for telling her. She was upset at the beginning with me and my mom for keeping this from her, but she recognized that it was something really big for her to deal with through her pregnancy. I know that most of you were mad at my mom but she did what she could, maybe it could have been handled in a better way but I don’t blame her, she’s wonderful. My sister is not doing well, she’s trying to organize things at her home and with my nephew, we are helping her with everything we can but it’s not easy, she has been preparing to leave her husband as soon as possible. She hasn’t told him what she knows, but she will once she has everything ready, me and my mom have been babysitting my nephew these days as she don’t want her husband near him. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

I can’t keep my sister’s husband secret anymore

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17xyxwy/i_cant_keep_my_sisters_husband_secret_anymore/

17xyy57

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Clinic_Confidential **A Colleague (F30) is "in love" with me (M33) and the entire workplace is abuzz with it. I'm trying to avoid all of this.** **Originally posted to** r/RedditForGrownups **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!repeated workplace sexual harassment and stalking, hostile work environment!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditForGrownups/s/g18GaqTPSO)  **Jan 23, 2023** ctrumLong story short Working there for 3 months We're scheduled together 45% of the time but hardly interact Other colleague ("Wednesday", f22) messaged me saying that "Amber" is 'in love with me' • That's not possible. She does not know me • Even if she has "a sense for who I am" - I can count on both hands the number of times we've spoken to each other • This is a highschool crush that will blow over in a couple of months • I have enough experience and sense to know that this is a bad idea (see below) • She may be 30, but she's still a teenager and unpredictable. This past weekend she showed up at work on her day off and went into the breakroom, I had a feeling something was off - asked if she was okay, she said yeah and just played on her phone I asked colleagues what was up and apparently she does this from time to time One coworker (f20, Bunnies) went to the breakroom for 20 minutes in the middle of a project (jeez, thanks.) Other colleague (f23, Jumpkick) went to the breakroom to get the first person as they were needed for a task, disappeared for 7 minutes, came back up and asked me how I felt about my coworkers (".... Good.") I'm not dumb, I knew Amber had a crush on me way before Wednesday messaged me. I'm the new guy in a female dominated field, whom most of everyone is in their early to mid 20s, the gossip grapevine has very deep roots So far there are 3 people who are not so subtly pushing me towards her She waited all day in the breakroom (she arrived right after my break) and waited past closing after everyone left (there was some cash balancing issues I had to sort out) [Added] Wednesday had messaged me in a disappearing convo telling me to go down and talk to her because she was there specifically for me She's like a Puppy trying to follow me and I have to give her a stern No! for her to understand And because I have to be stern - I'll be an ass and social pariah. This happens every single time, if I make it clear, I'm "insensitive" if I try to be "sensitive" nothing happens and things get worst, until I have to resort to making it crystal clear and then I am an ass. Even if I were to date her, here is what I foresee : • I would not be giving my 100%, not fair to her • Anything I say or do while we date will be gossiped about to everyone at work • It's a highschool crush, it will fade, I'm left on my ass • We date, I step on a mine, the grapevine will be abuzz, I'm the bad guy at work We don't date : I'm an insensitive ass. It's literally a no-win situation. I'm going to HR as soon as I get into work This is dumb. I hated highschool then and I hate it now as well. [Update, 12 hours later] I found and pretended to not have seen or read a note which declares her love for me, inside a textbook she has given me which I "forgot" at work. Things suggested I will not do : • Lie about having an S/O • Lie about being Gay • Find a different job • Date every single one of my coworkers (Ha. This one made me smile.) • Take her out on a date to let her down (!?) Things I am considering if she actually comes and talks to me • I am not emotionally available and I do not date coworkers, sorry. Nothing against you. HR was not here today or I would have talked to them NOT to report them for anything, but to CYA (Cover my Ass, which I have not made clear was my plan) to illuminate the landscape - and tell them about "Bunnies" spending half an hour talking to Amber when she was supposed to be on the floor. I will talk to HR before Amber, regardless of anything. Highlighting this comment by u/Napkin_whore >Already stated the various options and how they play out. Simply telling him to announce he doesn’t date coworkers will, according to him, make him look like a dick, And u/jgzman >He's saying he has two options. First, reject her gently, and have it not take. Second reject her sternly, and have her react poorly, and then he's the asshole, because he's bullying the cute little girl who just wants to love him. >It's the ladies' version of the guy becoming stupidly hostile after being turned down. Thank you for being one of the very few who understand this. It's exactly like 90s elementary school workshops "Tell bullies NO!" - Like that ever worked, ever I am dealing with nonrational actors, the outcome of doing X is Y. u/Gonzobot was able to put the situation in [words](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditForGrownups/s/Hd5RV3H4sg) in a manner I was not and lays it out very clearly [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditForGrownups/s/JWnCZlVtCg) Other useful information I have not shared: I'm on the spectrum. Everyday interactions go over my head unless you are being very clear of what your intentions are, otherwise I will be left with "Why did X do this and say this?" I literally don't understand. If you want to see me confused, hand me a piece of candy and walk away. I also can't tell if people are angry unless they are literally foaming at the mouth, but I believe that has a lot to do with childhood abuse. Thanks Dad. It's very VERY useful when dealing with agressive clients who have to pay an arm and a leg for their arm and leg. [Update, day later] Amber messaged me on MSN last evening (messenger, good acronym, why toss it away) asking if I would like to go out, tee hee, I responded that She's a swell gal but that I do not date coworkers. In an unsent message she said she was thinking of transfering clinics and to forget about her "for now". nothing more since then. And yes, I did speak to HR but only to illuminate the situation, they asked if I felt uncomfortable, said no, I only want them to know about the situation in case anything happens. Absolutely no action or change is expected from HR. [UPDATE : A Colleague (F30) is "in love" with me (M33) and the entire workplace is abuzz with it.](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditForGrownups/s/sLDHV49XKr)  **Feb 24, 2023** I specifically told Amber I was not interested and in any regards I do not date colleagues. After speaking to HR, showing them the messages, the hand written love notes, HR spoke to "Wednesday" and other colleagues. It was worst than what I mention, she (Amber) would wear my clothing to "feel" me, brag about how she would purposefully wear "provocative" clothing (I noticed, it was just gross. They rolled a 3 on 20 at best) and how she "cast love spells on me". HR saw this as harassement, spoke to her, telling her to quit it, and that her schedule is being remade in such a manner as to have no contact between us, except maybe for a day a week where she clocks out before I clock in. This was all before Feb. 14th All was well until a couple of days ago where, while putting on my coat in the changing room to pick up a snack at the corner store during my break, a packet fell out of my pocket. HR was present (on their break) and asked what was up when I muttered aloud "WTF?" The packet was another love letter attached to spellcrafting reagent, specifically an "Aphrodisiac" ("amber" resin, HA. It's now in a double ziplock bag and secured away from me, that stuff REEKS). HR sighed and asked me what I wanted to do. I replied that I'll message Amber first but that if we could have a group meeting, 2 HR reps, Amber and myself, that would probably be the best approach. I wrote to Amber in front of them, asking them what this was, that I was NOT interested and what they wanted exactly. She replied that she "wanted to have me (sad face, heartbreak emoji)". The rest is out of my hands. HR saw firsthand that she continued to invade my personal boundaries and continued her behaviour despite what was discussed between them and her separated schedule (both in time and space as we have different locations). Amber has an evaluation coming up and they are going to address her continued behaviour. Seeing as I did not reply past that she "wanted to have me", she continued saying that "I (Amber) probably blew your mind and you need time to think about it." (No.). I told HR that I do not want her punished or sanctioned - I first knew Amber as a competent and reliable coworker, I just want that person back. Clearly there is something more happening in her life and I hope she can overcome it and we can return to how things were before. There have been many comments in my previous post, here is a rundown :     Things suggested I will not do :    * Lie about having an S/O      * Lie about being Gay     * Find a different job     * Date every single one of my coworkers (Ha. This one made me chuckle.)     * Take her out on a date to let her down (!?)   *  Sleep with her For those having trouble wrapping your heads as to why M does not jump on eager F, swap the sexes in this entire affair; see how creepy it is. My colleagues are not comfortable with the situation and they are not even involved, she is talking to everyone about how much she wants me and how it's unfair that I don't. **RELEVANT COMMENTS/INFO FROM OOP** [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditForGrownups/s/liluWTuqmP) Every employee is in a group chat, she PMed me through there. It's evaluation time for everyone. "We'll have to talk to her" is the most they've said. The action taken 'against' her is pretty evident, the schedule, they've informed me that it was made specifically so that we do not have any interaction. What is discussed between them, if they have further 'plans' I, rightfully, do not know. I respect Amber as a colleague, neither I or anyone else want to lose her, this behaviour is (reportedly from everyone) completely unlike her - thus the suspected issues in her personal life. We all want her to be happy and well, what is happening is a symptom of something else. Firing her will not help her. I've been through a lot in my life. A lot. HR is managing this in a way that is acceptable to me (I see no change in my work environment and am being allowed to grow and prosper within the workplace), and Amber is being 'reprimanded' in such a way that (normally) they'd understand that their behaviour is unacceptable - if this does not click for her, I am willing to participate in such a way that it does, for her own well-being. I am caring by nature, I do not believe in outright punishment, I believe in teaching and reformation and HR is aligned with my values. It may take more time, but in the end everyone will be better for it. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT THE OOP**

A Colleague (F30) is "in love" with me (M33) and the entire workplace is abuzz with it. I'm trying to avoid all of this.

INCONCLUSIVE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17xyy57/a_colleague_f30_is_in_love_with_me_m33_and_the/

17xyz3z

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/SeanMc96 **My (27M) ex-girlfriend (26F) wants to try again** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **PREVIOUS BORU** [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/CAAwHnB63S) **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!PPD, child neglect, child abandonment, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/15rvb08/my_27m_exgirlfriend_26f_wants_to_try_again/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)  **Aug. 15, 2023** My ex-girlfriend and I first got together six years ago and from day one, we got on like two peas in a pod. Then after two and a half years together, she fell pregnant. We had spoken about kids before and we both wanted a family but not after just two years together. We spoke about it a lot, asked a few of our friends that already have kids and eventually decided to go for it. We also agreed that even if our relationship doesn't last, our child's wellbeing would always come first. Right before the lockdown in 2020, three weeks before the due date, we welcomed a perfect little girl and both of us were completely infatuated. It was a big adjustment but our girl was an angel and we settled into parenthood rather quickly. Everything was going great at first but three months later, it all changed. I was working late when I got a text from my mother to tell my mum girlfriend dropped our daughter off with her while she ran some errands but four hours later, she hadn't returned and now she wasn't answering her phone. I called too but she didn't answer me either. I got out of work, collected my daughter and went home to find a note from my girlfriend. She said that she couldn't handle the stress of lockdown and the baby and she just needed some time to clear her head. She also said not to call and that we would talk soon but days turned to weeks with no contact from her or anyone else other than her sister who visited her niece often but never mentioned my girlfriend. Fast forward three years and my ex-girlfriend is slowly starting to reach out again. It was slow at first, liking photos of our girl on Instagram and the odd comment but that was it until last week. She sent me a text saying that she had seen how well our daughter and I are doing and asking if we could meet up. I was reluctant but we agreed before our daughter was born that her wellbeing is what mattered the most so reluctantly, I agreed to meet for a coffee so she can see our girl but I'm having second thoughts. How do I forgive her for walking out on me and more importantly, on our daughter? [Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/160wthp/update_my_27m_exgirlfriend_26f_wants_to_try_again/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)  **Aug 25, 2023** As agreed, my ex and I met up a few days ago in a local cafe and I got there early to try and work out what I was going to say to her after three years. While I hadn't mentioned it in my original post, I had no intention of bringing our daughter along (my ex had contact numbers of my family members so she was with a co-worker) and when my ex arrived, she was a little disappointed but not all that surprised to see I was alone. The next few minutes mainly consisted of small talk before we eventually addressed the enormous elephant in the room. Where she had been hiding for three years of our daughtrs life? She admitted that she'd had suffered a lot with post partum depression and she couldn't bear to show it in front of our girl. She acknowledged that leaving the way she did was wrong but she wanted to be able to focus solely on herself while she got therapy. I asked why it took her three years to resurface (she sent a text for our daughter's first birthday but that was it) and she broke down admitting that she was so scared of what I thought of her for disappearing. In a way she was right to be scared because while I could come to terms with being dumped, I was furious because she left our daughter. Throughout our conversation, I could tell she's grown a lot as a person over the last few years which is something. We spoke for well over an hour and when I finally got up to leave, she asked where we stood. I told her that I appreciate that she's been really trying to turn over a new leaf but it's going to take time for me to fully move on but as a show of good faith, I showed her a video of our girl. It's about six/seven months old but it's my favourite. (It's her and one of my dad's cows mooing at each other) Just before I left, I got her phone number so we can maintain a bit of proper contact rather than through social media and I agreed to send her a couple of photos of our girl. I appreciate all the advice I got last time and I'm wondering where my ex and I go from here? My hope is that we can coexist and maintain a healthy friendship for our daughter's sake but after what happened before, it's hard to fully trust my ex. What do you guys think Side note: Two things I didn't mention to my ex. • I have zero intentions of rekindling our relationship. I'm open to co-parenting if she can prove she's not going to pull another disappearing act but that's it. I really loved her once but I'm a different person now and that ship has well and truly sailed. • At one point, I considered putting our girl up for adoption. She was about nine months at the time, I was mentally and emotionally drained, work was stressing me out and coming home to my daughter just didn't give me any joy as much as I love her. I was going through the process but one night, I looked in at her in her cot, she looked back at me and the look on her little face. A cute little smile and her blue eyes shining like I was her whole world. It told me that things would get better so I cancelled the adoption and never looked back. [Update 2](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/DuPwADrVoP)  **Sept 20, 2023** It's been a few weeks so I thought I'd give another update regarding progress with my ex. First off, thanks to everyone for the advice and support. It's been such a huge help. So, down to business. Per my ex's request, I accompanied her to a session with her therapist and she reassured me that she and my ex have made good progress but she still has some issues to work through. Specify, her relationship with her parents. She told me they separated and her mother had a temper but I didn't know how bad it really was. After the session, my ex left and I hung on for a minute to ask her therapist for her opinion regarding reintroducing my daughter to my ex. She recommended holding off for now and offered me a free session to talk about it so I'm going to see her next week. On a more positive note, my daughter started preschool two weeks ago, is already making friends and has been absolutely loving life. And I sent my ex a few photos of our girl to show some support so things are looking up. Thanks again to everyone that has commented so far. The support I got has been incredible. Makes the struggle of raising a child alone a little better 😇 [Update 3](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/90dXU12rrn)  **Oct 17, 2023** I didn't intend to do another update until my ex and I had made good progress but she made a confession yesterday and I don't know how to handle it. She called me yesterday morning asking if we could meet up since she had something important to tell me. I was off and kiddo was at preschool so I had half an hour to meet her. Soon after I got there, she asked me about our girl and I told her she was doing well. Moments later, she broke down and told me that she wanted to tell me why she decided to reach out so that there weren't any secrets between us. She admitted that she had been seeing a guy, I don't know his name so we'll call him Luke, for about eighteen months. I was initially pissed off at the thought of her dating while I was raising our girl alone but she was in tears so I held back. She admitted that Luke had taken her to his nephew's christening and she had a total breakdown at the sight of the baby and the thought of our daughter. She apparently got really drunk and broke down in tears before admitting to Luke that she had a child that she had basically abandoned. Apparently, she tried to distance herself from Luke after that but he stuck with her and his love and support inspired her to see a therapist and reach out to me. (I would've run a mile if I was in his shoes so he has my respect for helping her through that difficult time.) I told her I was glad she told me and happy that she has someone that is so devoted before I left to collect kiddo but now that it has fully sunk in, I can't wrap my head around it. How could she have gone off and dated someone else while I was left with our child? I've started to have second thoughts about her second chance but since I'm not going to my therapist for another week, I thought I'd share it here to hopefully get some advice because while I would like my daughter to know her mother (in some capacity anyway) I can't overlook the fact she was dating someone else while I was raising our daughter by myself. [Update 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/uV889Aon8u)  **Oct 26, 2023** A few people asked for an update after I saw my therapist so here it is I spoke with my therapist about my ex and how I felt regarding the revelation of her new partner but the main thing we focused on was my daughter. He asked me to think about my ex and my daughter and what I was afraid of. I admitted that I was worried my ex would turn my daughter against me or get close and break her little heart. He talked about my daughter falling over and getting hurt. (Kids get hurt and we can't always be there when it does but they can learn from it.) The point was to remind me that my daughter knows I'm there if she gets hurt. As for my ex turning my daughter against me, he noted that there's only been one constant factor in my baby girl's life from the day she was born. Me. Her Daddy. I'm her entire world just like how she's mine. It reminded me of my brother's birthday back in the summer (she bumped her head and despite being in a room full of relatives she knows and is comfortable with, she sought me out because I was the only person she wanted at that moment.) I'm leaning more towards leaving my ex to live her life and letting my daughter decide whether she wants to reach out when she's older and has all the facts. (Her Momma left us for three years and spent half of it with another man.) Regarding child support/legal action, I'm working on it but I need to get sole custody sorted first. Should have a family court hearing in the next week or two so fingers crossed. ##**NEW UPDATE** * [Update 5](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/egi98rqkx7)  **Nov 11, 2023** First off, I want to address some comments on the last post saying how I was posting but not taking action (legal or otherwise) and others mentioning child support. I have been busy dealing with my ex but I've been keeping my cards close to my chest to this point. Locally, sole custody is instantly given to the mother if the child's parents aren't married meaning my ex could've asked for custody and would've been likely to get it (even though she's a stranger to my daughter). So once she resurfaced, I got the ball rolling for sole custody and finally, it was granted to me. With help from a friend who studied law (and helped me get sole custody) I've drawn up a draft of a custody agreement for my ex stating that she needs to start paying child support before any visitation is discussed and I'm hoping to get a clause where I can void the agreement at any time (so my daughter is protected in case she disappears again) but I'm not sure if it will be included. My friend and the solicitor/lawyer she works for are sorting it out and they understand that my daughter's wellbeing is the only thing I care about. Now that I have sole custody, she's legally obligated to start paying child support so I'll have a bit more financial security. The matter of the back pay is still up for debate (it's going to be included mainly so we have something to drop if the agreement is contested) but either way, my baby girl is all mine and that's enough for now. This brought about a tense meeting with my ex. Following my solicitor's advice, we met face to face and I told her to bring a witness so she couldn't claim that she didn't receive a copy of the custody agreement. I was expecting her to bring her sister since she and I stayed in contact so she could have a relationship with her niece but I was wrong. I got there a few minutes earlier than we had arranged to meet so I could rehearse what I was going to say but as I sat there waiting, something bothered me. And then, my ex walked in with a guy, a little shorter than me and it didn't take me long to guess who it was. 'Luke'. When I saw him, I thought something about him seemed oddly familiar and I soon realized why. (I will share the full story if you want but to sum up, we crossed paths and not in a good way. That was a decade ago but I never forgot it.). He didn't seem to recognise me though which is probably lucky since it kept things civil. My ex and I chatted away about her therapy sessions (Luke chimed in once to reassure me that my ex wanted nothing more than to make up for her mistakes but I basically ignored him) and I then told her that I had been to a solicitor and she had a legal obligation to start paying child support. I also told her that I was done talking to her for the time being and that visitation was out of the question. I admitted that if she could prove that she was able to be an actual parent this time (stable home, a source of income with child support being paid on time and her therapist confirming that she is attending her appointments and is improving mentally) I would be willing to talk about visitation but not anytime soon. She accepted that though she did shed a couple of tears (I'm fairly sure it was legit crying and not crocodile tears). Luke then chimed in again to tell me that all my ex could talk about was my daughter but I ignored him again and gave my ex the paperwork from the solicitor and told her she was welcome to get a solicitor to look it over first. I also said that if my daughter wants to meet her when she's older, I won't stop her but I will tell her about how her Mom abandoned her if the subject comes up. She swore that she was going to do everything she could to make amends with me but I told her that I'm not the one needs to make amends with. The innocent child she abandoned is. Aside from that, I've been seeing a girl for about six/seven months now but it was really just a casual hookup sort of thing since my daughter is my main focus which she understands. Then four weeks ago, we had a pregnancy scare but it got us talking about us and the future. We both wanted to make things more serious between us so I introduced her to my daughter last week and they're already growing close which I'm delighted about. Just last night, she popped in after work for a visit and my daughter asked her for a kiss goodnight when it was her bedtime. Before that, she never asked or allowed anyone other than me to kiss her goodnight. Not even my brothers or my parents so believe me, I was amazed. Plus a young couple recently moved in over the road with a three year old girl and four month old baby so my daughter has been making friends with them which is awesome. She hasn't got many friends outside preschool so it's great she has someone around her age to play with. She's living her best life and as a Dad, I couldn't be happier. Plus we're going bowling tomorrow to celebrate me getting sole custody. She's too little to understand that but she's excited so to her it's a Daddy Daughter date. I might do another update once my ex and I have an agreement in place but we'll see. And I know this may sound crazy but part of me still cares about my ex and I really hope she finds happiness like I have with my daughter. In the meantime, thanks again for the comments and support. I cannot overstate how much it means to me. **ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP** [OOP's Comment here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/IbdM2vHemd) You make some good points here. First off, I never knew she had PPD. She was so in love was the our baby and things between all three of us were going great. If she had said something to me, I would've understood and done whatever I could to help her. I've had issues with depression myself. Plus I have been seeing a therapist the last few weeks. It's not something I really believed in until I joined my ex for a session and now, I know how much it helps. The revelation that she had been dating Luke for the past eighteen months took me by surprise at first but I understand she has to live her life and I appreciate that. Like I said before, my daughter's wellbeing is what matters the most. I was resentful of how my ex left and to be completely honest, I think I still am to an extent. But thanks to my therapist (she's a godsend and I should've started a long time ago) I'm starting to get some clarity about the whole situation. And I've always been somewhat hopeful, my ex and I can be friends going forward so my daughter can have a good relationship with her. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT THE OOP**

My (27M) ex-girlfriend (26F) wants to try again(New Update)

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17xyz3z/my_27m_exgirlfriend_26f_wants_to_try_againnew/

17xyzn7

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/carlsolomonsviolets **MO - I received a request for child support from a woman I've never met. I am a cis woman and have never had children.** **Originally posted to** r/legaladvice **Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!false accusations, stalking, fraud, identity theft, possible financial abuse, transphobia!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/vqYtCTHn2q) **Nov 10, 2023** A few days ago, I received a notice from an attorney that I am being sued for child support from a woman I have never met or heard of. Context: I am a biological cis woman. I am straight. I have 0 children. I have never done surrogacy, egg donation or even given birth or come close to it. I contacted the attorney listed on the document (a fairly well know attorney around where I live) to make sure it was legit and yep - its legit. He stated that his client came to him to sue me for backdated and future child support for her 15 year old and stated I am the biological father. The attorney had my name, address and info like my birthday, where I went to high school etc. Yet somehow didn't know that I am a woman? The attorney also stated that the woman is in her 40s, repeated her name to me and verified with me if I know her. I stated I've never met or heard of her, I am a biological woman who has never had a child and even brought up that if I was a man and was the bio dad, how would she not be in trouble for statutory rape as I would have been barely 15 when the child was conceived and she would have been mid/late 20s. The attorney stated that as an attorney he needs to follow through and I need to see him and sign the documents and do a DNA test to confirm any relation to the child. I informed the attorney that it's literally impossible for me to be the father but he won't take no for an answer and told me to bring my lawyer to his office tomorrow. Do I actually need to get an attorney? Can I just show up and be like 'look at me, very much a woman and have never given birth leave me alone'. I need some proper guidance on where to go from here. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/u/carlsolomonsviolets/s/aRAecdeNH2) **Nov 11, 2023** Sued for CS update. First to answer some questions I received via PM and saw posted: - No, I do not have a masculine/gender neutral name. I actually have a very long feminine first and middle name. Both are also spelled very uniquely. - Yes, I have brothers. No, none of them have passed so I wasn't being sued in their place. They are all alive and well and even easier to get in touch with than I am, as I'm not even on social media and they are all very active on sm and have public pages, linkedin profiles etc. Much easier to find randomly through a Google search. - Yes, I also have a father. No, he wasn't the one I was being sued for CS on behalf of. - In the beginning, this woman stated that I didn't even have any family, BTW. She told the attorneys "I can give him the family he's never has since he's been alone his whole life" (referring to me as he). - Even if one of my brothers was the father and I did a DNA test (I didn't), there would still be no way to prove I'm biologically related to this child, as I'm adopted. The only relation to my siblings is literally because my parents signed a piece of paper and drove to pick me up from state custody. Also, if she were trying to set up the DNA test to prove a familial link to the kid without the father present, if she knew anything worth her time about my family, she would have gone to my sister who IS biologically related to the rest of my adoptive family (adopted from another family member) - No, I thankfully have not been a victim of identity theft. This was not someone posing as me. - And thankfully there was no shady shit in trying to change the paperwork from bio dad to mom. Even in the documents this woman's lawyer presented to my attorney (and the documents I was sent) it CLEARLY stated that I was supposedly the biological father. Now, as to what happened: I went to the attorneys office with my attorney as he request during our call yesterday. And guess what? The suit was dismissed. It happened very quickly. Thank god. I thought we would meet with a judge, because that's how I assumed it worked, but we went to the lawyers office and met with him and the woman who filed the suit. I got an attorney as I reached out to a friend who lives in my state as a lot of his family are attorneys (one of the families where it's in their blood basically). Turns out, his Aunt handles family cases. He got me in touch with her and we spoke. After i told her the situation, she laughed and said she'd do it pro Bono just for the entertainment. Apparently she knows the other attorney and says he's a dick, so I guess that's a benefit for me since she was more than happy to represent me. We met with the attorney, showed my BC, ID, passport, adoption papers and my inital BC prior to adoption (for good measure). The attorney was frustrated with his client (obvs), but very kind with myself and my attorney about it. He apologized for the inconvenience. The whole thing was dismissed and, while my attorney intially suggested an order of protection (because clearly this woman was unwell as while we were in the office she was saying that I was a man who had a sex change to dodge support, which is why she referred to me as "he", and said I make more than enough money and my money belongs to her and "our child" etc etc.) We ultimately decided against the RO as after all of the insanity, she was honest about how this came about. She, myself and my male cousin used to work in the same place. Over a decade ago. I worked a different shift in a different part of the building, she was a secretary and he was a typical office worker. He is the father of her child, as apparently they had known each other for YEARS prior, but he is also now a convicted violent felon, currently incarcerated, and not on the bc. They are the same age and they went to school together in the next town over. Since she had access to my information (as the office still has prior employee records) and knows I'm his cousin, as he told her I was his cousin and I worked there, even though I never crossed paths with either of them there (didn't even know she worked there. Knew he did but never saw him due to different shifts/areas). She said she confirmed the connection via fb because he has our family listed and with that, she was able to link my cousin to his father, which lead to my mtoher as he has her listed as a sister (shes his SIL). My mother was always my emergency contact so she has access to the information. She said since she was able to get my contact information in the easiest way, she figured she could throw a suit at me, get a DNA test, then lead back to him and she would try to go over him and sue my uncle for support, as he retired from a good job and has disposal income and my cousin is incarcerated. No, I don't understand her thought process because honestly, I have no idea how any of this works or if that is even a thing she could possibly do. Also, she said she was recently fired, which is why this came up now, and since she knew my cousin was incarcerated and she needed money, she found me via our last name and made a copy of my resume and important info in my file. After all of the theatrics and chaos etc. she said she finally decided to give up the fight because she realized she couldn't win. Especially once I presented my paperwork and mentioned that some of it was my inital adoption/birth records before adoption. As that's when she realized there was 0 chance that the DNA test would get her where she wanted with everything. Sorry if this isn't the super exciting update you were looking for. But I'm just glad it's over. At the end of it, I just hope she gets help but I'm staying far away and warning my family about her. I hope you all have a great day! **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **mauve55** >Wow, what a psycho. I get that she is desperate, but she should have texted your cousins dad and told him about the situation and then went from there. >But you should at least let your Uncle know that he has a grandson out there that he did not know about. So he can decide what he wants to do about that situation. **OOP replied** >>I definitely am going to inform him and more members of my family just in case. >>However, according to her, she has no way of contacting anyone else in my family. She only got my info from taking it from an old employee file from a decade ago. * **megamawax** >I was hoping for something more along the lines of you asking the lawyer whether or not he knows how babies are made and if his belief is that, 15 years ago, his client, mid 20s, had sex with a 15 year old girl and became pregnant as a result. Then, you eventually tell him that you aren't coming in, and if he wants to talk to you, he can have you served. Eventually, he files a suit, and you appear in court, without a lawyer, and are just like, look at me. The judge gets so annoyed by this basic failure to do due diligence that this leads to the lawyer getting disbarred, and perhaps criminal charges are filed against the woman for attempted fraud or something. >Still, everything you did is much more mature and reasonable. I do wonder, though, whether what this woman was attempting to do was illegal, and I'd be very curious what her lawyer was actually thinking when you informed him that you were a woman (presumably he had to have some thoughts about contacting someone with an obviously feminine name). Did the woman tell her lawyer that you are MtF trans prior to you coming in? >What a bizarre situation. **OOP replied** >>So there was more conversation than what I posted (as I was mostly just trying to give an informative enough update) >>She never mentioned anything to him about me being Trans. She insisted I was a man and fathered her child. >>My attorney asked him what his inital thought was when he learned my name and spoke with me over the phone and he said he assumed I was a man mispronoucing my name and disguising my voice as his client insisted I was a man. >>However, later in the conversation, it came out that he attorney was aware of how she received my information, and she had even provided him with a copy of my employee file from the former job (which has all my information PLUS a copy of my ID and passort). So, in reality, I couldn't even begin to tell you what either of their state of mind was. **ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP** [Comment 1](https://www.reddit.com/u/carlsolomonsviolets/s/0z9Drum6e7) That's what I figured, too. Without sounding mean, she seems very unwell. She genuinely thought this was the BEST method to handle the situation. Unfortunately, in the end, she's screwed herself over. The suit has been dismissed. And now she'll most likely be reported to the former employer for stealing private records. Plus, my uncle has no responsibility for this kid. He doesn't even have a relationship with his son nowadays since he's incarcerated for life. Her best option at this point is to pursue paternity with a violent, convicted felon that isn't even allowed around children. I feel for her, but I hope she gets any help she needs and things get better for her and the kid. **Comment 2 on hoping the woman gets help** [Comment 2](https://www.reddit.com/u/carlsolomonsviolets/s/sq7zZjoRxy) I hope she does, too. From what I found out today, she has plenty of family and was with someone up until right before she lost her job recently. The other dude has helped raise the kid and still plans to be in the kids' lives, but as he has no legal responsibilities, she got desperate and decided this was the best method. It's just kind of a mess of a situation, and it comes down to her needing help that even finances can't provide. There's also the issue of legal repercussions since she openly admitted to stealing private documents and providing her attorney with them with false pretenses. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I received a request for child support from a woman I've never met. I am a cis woman and have never had children.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17xyzn7/i_received_a_request_for_child_support_from_a/

17xz03i

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/kn0wledgeisp0rridge](https://www.reddit.com/user/kn0wledgeisp0rridge/). They posted in r/CasualUK Short and sweet palate cleanser! **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/comments/16whyl7/am_i_stealing_my_neighbours_cat/)**: September 30, 2023** I love cats and always make a fuss of any I see out and about. There is a cat that often hangs out in our estate car park, directly outside our bedroom window. She loves to be made a fuss of and started appearing whenever I’d come home. I’d usually perch on the pavement and give her scritches for a couple of minutes. A few weeks ago she jumped into our bedroom window. We had no problem with this and were happy to make a fuss of her until she left ten minutes later of her own accord. Fast forward to now where she will quite happily stay in our flat for a few hours and will visit a few times a day. I keep putting her back outside but as soon as we open the window she’s back again. I absolutely love having her around and have no problem with her being here. However, I’m worried I might be ‘stealing’ someone else’s cat (hence putting her back outside). We have never given her any food, just lots of affection. We live on a relatively big estate and have no idea where she lives. What would you do? &#x200B; **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/comments/17squgw/update_am_i_stealing_my_neighbours_cat/)**: November 11, 2023 (1.5 months later)** As lots of you suggested, we sent a message to his owner (second pic **Editor's note- second pic is of the cat with a note around his neck**) and received this lovely reply. We’ve been enjoying guilt-free cuddles ever since! **Transcribed text**: From owner: Hello, this is \[redacted.\] My cat just came home with your message. Made me smile not gonna lie. As a matter of introduction: his name is Teddy (Thaddeus or Taduesz- birth name depending on the situation). He is 10 years old and mainly an outdoor cat although he comes back home at night. We always let hi out at 6-7 am otherwise meowing would wake up the whole neighbourhood. He's quite friendly with people he knows. If it comes to feeding him, feel free to give hi anything you want as long as it does not contain salt or milk as cats don't digest these very well. Although I'm assuming he's a massive trash panda when he's out. Feel free to enjoy his companionship. Sharing is caring. Btw we live at \[redacted.\] ***Relevant Comments:*** *Clarification on how Teddy delivered the message:* "See the second pic - just a paper collar with a note written on it. He wasn’t bothered by it at all as you can tell from the fact he’s fast asleep!" *On feeding:* "We don’t feed him at all so I didn’t worry about that part." **More Cat Tax** [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/notmycat/comments/17sr8it/how_not_my_cat_demands_to_be_let_in/)

Am I stealing my neighbours cat?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17xz03i/am_i_stealing_my_neighbours_cat/

17xz06l

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is someone who wrote to Alison on Ask A Manager.** Per Alison's request, her response has been removed. I have attached a link to it at the end of the first post. **Mood Spoiler:** >!happy ending!< **Original Post: October 27, 2022** I (30F) got a new supervisor in the last six months, who is also part of the C-suite. She is very talented, knowledgeable, and friendly. She has done a lot in terms of supporting and mentoring me, and I am really appreciative of her efforts. However, one issue with her is that she can often be unpredictable, especially when it comes to pointing out things that others may be sensitive about. I have adult acne partially due to some health issues. I am working with appropriate medical professionals to find solutions/diagnoses (and a lot of it takes time to fix). However, in the meantime, I often get break-outs. I cover them fairly well with makeup, but some days are worse than others. On those worse days, I just grit my teeth and try to get through it, but it really is doing a number on my self esteem, especially since I am not a teenager anymore and worry that it could hurt my professional image. Enter unpredictable boss: on multiple occasions where I have had some rougher skin days, my boss has asked me directly, IN FRONT of other people, “What’s going on with your skin?” When I make a vague comment about having a bad skin day and she shouldn’t worry about it, she continues to press and badger me about it, with an audience. It is absolutely mortifying and distressing for me. Trust me, I know what is going on with my face and just want people to ignore it. It happened again today, and has left me unable to get work done because I am so upset. I definitely need to address this with her as it is affecting me emotionally and professionally. I think that because she likes to have more of a friendly, collegial approach, she might just think she is just engaging in girl talk, when it reality, it has a much bigger impact. But really my question is in regards to how to address it — should I be doing more in the moment to shut it down, or should we discuss it in my next one-on-one? My supervisor does have the tendency to make insensitive comments about others’ appearances as well, and I think because she doesn’t take things personally, she forgets that not everything needs to be said. I do want to communicate directly that she is not to discuss my skin or physical appearance beyond what is needed to get my job done, but I worry she will think I am too sensitive. **Alison's response** [here](https://www.askamanager.org/2022/10/my-boss-keeps-commenting-on-my-acne.html) **Update** [Post](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/10/update-my-boss-keeps-commenting-on-my-acne.html)**: October 23, 2023 (1 year later)** It’s been almost an entire year since I wrote to you about my boss commenting on my acne! First, let me say thank you to the AAM community for being so kind and wonderful to me. I was incredibly emotional and embarrassed when I wrote in, and all of the commenters brought me to tears with their empathy and support. I had never before experienced so much kindness from internet strangers, but please know that you all made me feel so much better, and I am grateful. And I have a very happy update to report! While Alison was quick to post my story and share her advice, I actually wound up having my one-on-one with my boss first. However, the advice I received was basically how I handled the situation. I told my boss, “Hey, yesterday you made a comment about my skin, and I need you not to do that anymore. It is a medical condition, and I am working with doctors to solve it, but I don’t need to discuss it, especially in front of others.” I had planned a lengthier monologue about how I don’t want to come to work only to have people comment on my appearance and how it affects me emotionally, but my boss cut me off and said, “I’m sorry, I won’t do that anymore. I just was concerned and wondered if I could help. I should probably apologize to (other coworker) too, since I probably made him uncomfortable.” For the record, I do not buy that she was concerned because it was a harsh comment, not delivered with any warmth or concern, and she wasn’t picking up social cues to drop it. And her larger concern for the other coworker who was present was a huge red flag. But in the long run, I don’t think I get to decide what lesson my boss learned out of this, as much as I wanted her to understand the damage she had done. However, a lot of good things came from this. Firstly, my former boss never commented on my skin again. And I say former boss, because I started a new position about seven months ago! Between this incident and a few other work-related happenings, I decided that it was time to move on. When I started my job hunt, I found an absolutely perfect role for me with a wonderful company, who went on to hire me a short time later. I received about a 66% pay increase, have had a really positive transition period into the role, and am overall doing really well. My acne is still acne-ing, but it has improved, and nobody in my new job has said a word. I did want to address a few comments — some of you are so funny, and your comeback suggestions are stored in my back pocket in the unfortunate event that I have to use them. I do feel more confident about making people feel uncomfortable about making me feel uncomfortable, so thank you! A few of you thought my former boss might be involved in an MLM and getting ready to sell me skin care. That one is totally plausible, but in truth, my former boss comes from affluence and only works because she likes it. And for those of you sharing my struggle, I appreciate your solidarity and wish you nothing but the best. Thanks again, Alison and the AAM community!

My boss keeps commenting on my acne

EXTERNAL

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17xz06l/my_boss_keeps_commenting_on_my_acne/

17ypgz9

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/nkobjivhu **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **My ex-girlfriend might have lied to me about our baby not being mine.** Trigger Warnings: >!possible infidelity, denial of parental rights!< Mood Spoilers: >!Positive for OOP!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/16ejx2w/my_exgirlfriend_might_have_lied_to_me_about_our/?share_id=nDCKpKQEXxXWQM60W1fKp&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Sept 9, 2023** Rose (28F) and I (29M) were together for 4 years, from our last year at school until just after university. I loved her very much and genuinely thought I would marry her. However, we were very much not in a place to have a child. We had previously discussed the matter and agreed that we were both okay with termination if it came to it. Six years ago, she became pregnant. She broke down when she told me, four months in, and admitted that she had cheated on me, and that the baby wasn't mine. I immediately ended the relationship, and she moved home to have the baby. It crushed me, as this was totally out-of-the-blue, and utterly unlike her, and she refused to provide many details and the whole situation just seemed vague and off. Recently, Rose's father passed away and my mother attended the funeral. While there, she commiserated with Rose, who was there with her husband and daughter, who, according to my mother, is visibly biracial and has a striking resemblance to me. How do I even begin to bring this up with her? I feel like I have to but have no idea where to even start. I don't want to be a dad but I also don't want to just abandon some kid that might be mine. I also feel like I've moved on enough to be ready for closure and to actually address the whole matter with Rose - the breakup happened in such a rush and she moved away before I felt able to address the topic in any kind of a rational, logical way. The options are that she cheated on me and became pregnant with someone else's child, she cheated on me and has lied to me about her pregnancy, or she just made up the whole scenario for some fucking reason. Help? **Edit**: Rose got in touch with me. She asked my mother for my phone number and texted me to ask whether I would be free to have a call with her this week. I passed on commiserations for her father and told her to call me any time this week outside of work hours. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Fun-Yellow-6576** You do NOTHING. You don’t want to be a dad, Rose didn’t want the child to be yours. Leave it be. >**OP:** It's been six years and I've grown up a lot. I respect that this child has another father figure in their life at this point. But, for example, I have adopted cousins who have gone looking for their biological parents, with full respect to their adoptive parents, and found it very rewarding. I guess I want to make sure Rose knows if her child ever wants to speak to me, I'm open to it. Ideally, my family would like to know their first grandchild. In the future, the child might like to know her culture. If I ever have children, I would want them to know about their half-sister. > >At a minimum, Rose never gave me the chance to change my mind the way she changed hers, and she might have chosen to lie to me about cheating on me and genuinely shook up how I deal with relationships for a long time. **Commentator asks about looking from the ex’s perspective and allowing her to have her choices** >**OP:** I do understand that's her perspective. She was put in a position where perhaps she could only see options that hurt me and her and the child, or options that only hurt me. Maybe that is the case. Maybe she chose the best of a bad set of options. But she still hurt me, and lied to me, and hid my own child from me, and I think being hurt and confused and looking for answers is still a valid response. If she had been honest with me, she could have ended up in the same place - with a new partner, with a lovely little daughter, living where she pleased - and with a bit of support, financial or otherwise, from a version of me that wasn't in therapy for two years over the things she lied to me about. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17tyjq9/update_my_exgirlfriend_might_have_lied_about_her/?share_id=UXTT5kKp9DTK5TKuOhh2Y&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 12, 2023** Lots of people were asking for an update on my last post, so here we go: • The kid is 100% mine. I'm going to call her Daisy for this post. • I've met her a few times, and she's a really cute, lovely little kid. I am enjoying getting to know her, although of course I am sad that I missed out on so much of her development and so many firsts. I'm also sad she hasn't had my influence, as every father would hope to influence their child. For example, she understands some Polish because of her stepfather family, whereas I grew up in a house where elders spoke creole. I wish she could have been able to explore her heritage from birth, but now she can choose whether she wants to do so, which is also exciting. She also strongly resembles me as a child, which is strange but nice. My mother says she is spitting image of her aunt, so we have been showing Daisy some family photos, which she seems to enjoy. • My ex, Rose, is doing a great job of raising her. I want to stress that. Rose behaved badly in our relationship but she is a wonderful mother. • I'm going to be getting to know Daisy a bit better over time, with a view to having her eventually spend summer or winter vacation with me, if she wishes to, when she is a little bit older. Rose and her husband are also going to bring her to meet my mom when they are in our hometown, so Daisy can get to know her biological grandmother if she wants. • Rose is married to a very decent guy who clearly adores Daisy. To answer a question I got in quite a few DMs, the husband is white, Rose is white, and I am black, so it was fairly obvious that Daisy was not his biological child. However, he is very obviously her daddy. We are getting along well and he is supportive of me getting to know Daisy. • Now, the hard part: Rose has apologized repeatedly for her actions. She says she did not cheat on me, and I have come to believe her. However, the lie still hurts. • She has explained this is something that has weighed on her heavily, and she knew she would have to address it eventually. I have not forgiven her, but we are moving past it as best we can. We are both in therapy, and considering doing some therapy as a unit to make sure we are healthy co-parents for Daisy. I have called her out and will continue to call her out. This has not been one conversation but a long series of talks to understand one another's positions. • Her explanation was that she knew if I knew she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby, I would have given up on the life I wanted to have in order to support her. Instead, she broke up with me and moved home, where her father supported her until she had Daisy. But for the sadness of the this situation, I am in a good place in life now and relatively successful. Perhaps she is right I would not have managed to do this if we'd had a baby at our young age but I still wish she would have given me the choice to say yes or no. However, what is done is done. • There is some stuff I do not want to mention, even on an anonymous forum like Reddit, which gives me further context and understanding for Rose's actions. Apologies for the anti-climax/for leaving that out, but it wouldn't feel right. • Rose and her husband are currently declining to accept child support from me, saying they earn enough to raise Daisy without. They have not made access to Daisy contingent in any way on money or anything else. I am going to check with a lawyer to determine whether this is something they will be able to pursue me for in future, and to explore the legalities of instead placing such money into a trust for Daisy's use as an adult or perhaps for college. I think that's everything. It's not as dramatic as I know people were hoping, so I'm sorry. But I think everyone in the situation is doing their best. **TLDR** all is well that ends well. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **rogue1206:** This sounds like all of you are handling this beautifully! If I may make a suggestion, even though they are declining child support, set the child support money aside into an account just for Daisy. When she turns 18, *boom* one helluva graduation gift! We started an account for my daughter when she was born, it's an interest bearing account so its just going to grow with her. It will either help with her higher ed or a down payment on a house in 11 years (I hope, but at least it's something!) >**OP:** Great idea. I am looking at establishing a trust, in case anything should happen to me in the next 10-15 years, but an interest bearing account is also a good thought. I will raise it with the lawyer at my consultation next week. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

My ex-girlfriend might have lied to me about our baby not being mine.

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ypgz9/my_exgirlfriend_might_have_lied_to_me_about_our/

17yphgg

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/megh-d-95 **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **Editor's Note: Added spaces in both original and update posts for readability** **AITA for going no contact with my dad and baby sister** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, child abuse, physical intimidation, parental betrayal!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/14btesu/aita_for_going_no_contact_with_my_dad_and_baby/) - **June 17, 2023** I went down to see my family for Father’s Day weekend with my two kids (3 boy, 9mo girl). My sister is 11 & I am 27. She’s always trying to compete at an adult level when she’s around me and kind of pops off. I never say anything. My parents have said you’re gonna have to say something if she over steps. This time she was ranting about how she would never want to be like me because in school I had poor grades and got pregnant with a baby that I gave up and academics mean a lot to her. I told her that she doesn’t know what it’s like to have a baby at a young age or make the choice to give it up. Also I had all As and was supposed to early grad in hs so idk where she got her information from. I told her that she is 11, a child, commenting about adult things that she doesn’t even fully understand and that she is not an adult and can stop speaking to me like one. Well my dad (want to point out he’s been my “dad” since I was 4 and I’ve never had another dad) literally got in my face screaming at me that she’s allowed to have her opinion and what did she say that was wrong. I had to physically push him out of my face. He was like you come down here and act like this is your house and take her mom away from her. (I bring stuff for my small kids and we usually stay for 3-4 days and small kids kind of need things) & I was like I come down here expecting to be with my family and see my mom. She has literally every single day with our mom and I only see her once a month when I drive down (I live 2 states away). And he said I come in and invade their space and I was like I mean I don’t mean to. Just small kids need a lot and I don’t mean to take up anyone’s space. So I just left. After driving 2.5 hours down there I just left. I feel like the worst mom for making my literal babies be in the car for 5 hours but he was screaming at me and my kids were bawling their eyes out. I felt like my peace was being ruined. My kids have never seen me cry like that or seen anyone scream like that at someone else, especially their mom. My son keep saying grandpa mad and grandpa made mommy cry. I feel so bad and then idk if I should? I feel bad for my mom also because she was just crying and telling my dad to stop and he’s wrong and holding my babies while I was gathering my stuff. She said that I never invade her space and I’m always welcome but am I? Like my dad said I hurt his daughter but I always thought I was his daughter too? And I always ask what do I need to bring, if xyz is okay with him, he never says no or hints he’s upset. I am feeling pretty devastated. My entire soul hurts and I just randomly start crying but maybe I’m over reacting and being overly sensitive? I just don’t know. I made this text to send my mom today. I haven’t sent it but this is what I’m going to say: I definitely think for a while I’m going no contact with dad. I just can’t expose myself or my kids to someone who thinks like that. Even things said in anger hold truth. Amy’s opinion is based off of an incomplete narrative from an unreliable and incredibly biased source. She did nothing wrong just parroted what dad has previously said and I have brushed it off before. I’m older now and I have and had a right to protect my peace. It’s too bad that’s how they see me but I don’t need anyone’s approval but my kids. As long as they look at me as a good role model then that’s all I care about truly. (My son) keeps saying grandpa mad, grandpa mean made mommy and grandma cry. I never ever have exposed my kids to that type of yelling/screaming. Especially the way he got in my face and I physically had to push him away.. yeah that was unacceptable. I’m not some child he can push his authoritarian parenting tactics on. I also want to point out he was an authoritarian bully to me growing up but with Amy the parenting is completely different. She’s aloud to say whatever she wants to adults but if I had popped off like that, I’d have been slapped and put in the corner for hours. When she says things like that to me he smirks and thinks it’s funny because we’re “sisters” that doesn’t mean she can just say whatever to me and oh golly it’s just fine. Nope. Obviously she can say whatever but if I stand my ground and say no that’s not okay, it’s unacceptable. That’s his daughter, got it. Even if he apologized (which isn’t really his MO) I don’t think things would ever be the same. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like that’s my home again or safe there because I’ll always feel like I’m invading their space. I love you mom. I love you so much and I miss you all the time. Hopefully we can get together some time & you’re always welcome to come to my home. AITA Edit: I sent my mom the text and she just said “I understand. I love you and miss you too” and then indefinitely shared her location with me. Edit: sister has continuously said over the last couple years that she’s an only child, she wishes I didn’t exist, that were not really sister because I don’t live there. I’ve told sister that when our parents die she will only have me and my family and if she pushes me away she will be alone and she says she doesn’t care. Edit: I forgot this is Reddit & the crazy things that come out so let me make this clear. My sister IS NOT the baby I gave up for adoption. She was 2 when I gave birth to a baby boy when I was 18. My sister and I are 16 years and 1 day apart. &nbsp; **ADDITIONAL INFORMATION FROM OOP** >Update so father just texted me: > >I have to apologize for yesterday. I did not know about Amy’s texts to you so I should not have intervened for what I thought was a harsh attack. > >How do I even respond? Do I even respond ? Like I feel like this screams missing the point. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Commentator asks about OOP’s relationships with the family. The mother is not doing anything to prevent the behaviors from her husband and OOP’s sister** >**OP:** Sister doesn’t know we are half related. She doesn’t know her dad is not my biological father. She’s under the impression that our parents hooked up before they got married. As for my mom, I think she was just stunned because he’s never said anything like this before (at least that’s what I’m told) and I think she was just in shock. She was also trying to console my toddler and my infant since I was so focused on getting out of there. > >Edit: also they said for years that if sister crossed a line to stand up for myself & I finally did because I felt she crossed the line - this was the reaction… **mysterious_girl24:** I wish your father had fought harder for you. I’m guessing your mom never took you and left because being a stay-at-home dad she’d owe him alimony and child support. >**OP:** Well there’s conflicting stories there. My bio family is Mormon (nothing against Mormons it’s just not a religion I’m personally interested in) so that was one of her reasons. Also she claims she never hit him and he claims he never hit her, however I have memories of them both hitting each other. My bio dad was also 24/25 working at blockbuster, lived with his mom still. I just think he didn’t want the responsibility since he was already divorced so why fight for me. His family says they wanted me and looked for me but I was never hiding or missing. Like I had MySpace, Facebook, Instagram when it came out. But they basically waited until I was 18 to reach out, which I did. They claim my mom kidnapped me and my mom declared legal abandonment. It is what it is. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17sx77m/update_aita_for_going_no_contact_with_my_dad_and/) - **Nov 11, 2023** Back in June I wrote in about me going no contact with my step father & baby sister after my baby sister said something, I defended myself, and my step father screamed at me in front of my babies. Some people asked to update in a few months so here I am. He has not reached out. It’s been 5 months. My daughters first birthday has come and gone, Halloween, numerous milestones they have missed. My heart breaks for my children. Those of you who said my mother would probably go low contact, you were right. She barely talks to me anymore. It has made me realize that the only reason they were in my life is because I did ALL the work. I went to visit 1-2 times a month for multiple days. I have lived in my current house for well over a year and they’ve never seen it. My mom doesn’t ask about the kids. I’ll send a pic every once in a while in which she’ll say “they look just like you” or “x is lovely/beautiful” but never asks about their growth or development or any inquiry into their or my lives. My sister has my number & does not contact me but to be fair I don’t text her either. I did send her gifts for her birthday to which she did send me a thank you text. To those who said the holidays were going to be the hardest, you are absolutely right. I’m struggling on what to do and it’s all around a broken situation. I have had a lot of clarity in the last 5 months. I am actually thriving without them. I don’t have to deal with condescending tones, being made to feel small, a minimization of my accomplishments, I don’t feel dumb or insignificant. My feeling are never invalidated. It kills me because I know they (being my parents not my sister) do not and will not take any responsibility & I know my mom is playing the victim because that’s what she does and has done my whole life. No one is more of a victim then her. She opened up and told me she was jealous of the way I looked for most of my life & I hadn’t really grasped how fucked up that was until recently. She tormented me growing up and I spent my life doing everything I could to please her, feel good enough for her, and it turns out she was abusive because i was pretty ??? Like tf???? So I need therapy lol trying to get that worked out. I’m mostly just so sad for my children. My son loved my mom but now he doesn’t even ask about her anymore. He never asks about step dad. We usually do a big family gathering for Christmas Eve and idk if I am going or how to navigate that. So any advice is welcome 😭 Anyways that’s my update. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **OhbrotheR66:** I’m sorry that your so-called family are treating you this way. I can’t imagine how painful it must be. And to have at least your mom to care and come to find out that’s not the truth and she’s jealous of you puts the nail in the coffin. I hope you can start your own holiday traditions. Are you on good terms with your in-laws? >**OP:** I don’t have a good relationship with my MIL & my FIL died 2 months ago. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

AITA for going no contact with my dad and baby sister

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17yphgg/aita_for_going_no_contact_with_my_dad_and_baby/

17yphpu

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Popular_Influence_42 **Owner abandoned dog needs a home!** **Originally posted to** r/RoverPetSitting **Thanks to u/Ok_Opinion_ for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Abandonment of pet!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/s/WrkhHbNBtg) **Oct 18, 2023** This was a Rover request because the original sitter canceled the stay. Owner was extremely sketchy and unresponsive; I figured they might attempt to leave the dog with me and I was right. They originally agreed to pick him up at noon but messaged me a few hours before then and asked if I knew of anyone who would take him in because they can’t care for him any longer and I agreed to keep him and look for a good home for him as long as they agreed to pay for a harness and his neutering, and send over his health records. They have still yet to do anything we agreed on and I absolutely cannot afford any vaccinations (if he hasn’t had any) or neutering at this time. I’m in Hollywood, CA - Please, contact me if you’re interested in giving this guy a home. He’s a really sweet boy, and extremely smart. He has a ton of energy because he’s only 1 years old and un-neutered, but he just needs a few good long walks a day like any big puppy does. [Photo of the dog (Hiro) sitting in the car](https://imgur.com/VSWihRo) **OOP UPDATES IN THE COMMENTS** [Update in the comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/s/kw6bLewAEo) **Oct 19. 2023** Update: Just met with the owners and my heart broke, they’re an elderly couple who’s grandchild has basically dumped the dog on them. He’s entirely too much regardless of their story is true or not but I totally believe them after they explained everything. They agreed to keep in contact for any vet costs but you never know so 🤞🏾😣🤞🏾 Update: Thank you guys so much for the support! Someone mentioned that I should probably put my venmo in. If you guys wanna help at all, my venmo is PrincessKaylen (Kaylen Dickens) same username for cash app Update: You guys are amazing wtf, thank you all so much for your help and support! I’m currently at work trying to procure his records and an estimate for his neutering and vaccination costs. I’ll get back to you guys! UPDATE: I have him scheduled for an appointment for this Sunday, I’m not totally sure how much the visit will end up being but hopefully with my employee discount it won’t be too bad. Currently also in the process of switching his diet to something that’ll keep him healthy (owners gave me a huge bag of pedigree that he wouldn’t touch unless he was starving ☹️) and he’s eating better already! FINAL UPDATE: After some consideration and speaking with a few people I really didn’t have great interactions with, I’ve decided to keep Hiro. I’m a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason” and there’s a reason why Hiro ended up with us. After some chatting, it turns out Hiro’s owners had been trying to find a place for him for WEEKS. I love him, he’s mine. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/s/ptBeQVL2he) **Oct 20, 2023** Hey! As I stated in my original post, after some consideration and a little research I’ve decided to keep Hiro. He had been moved from place to place so much in his little life and I feel like there’s a reason he ended up with me. I love this boy. I cannot thank you all enough for the support and kind words, and Hiro is forever grateful. While almost everyone has been extremely helpful and sweet, I did get a comment accusing me of scamming people out of money. This weekend (10/22/23) I’m meeting up with a fellow Rover sitter who helped get more information on Hiro, if anybody else wants to come by and meet this sweet boy you’re more than welcome to shoot me a private message for more details. 🩷 [2 pics of Hiro](https://imgur.com/a/VJmgYLR) **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **OOP** Just wanna leave a pic of Hiro and his “big” sister Lana Kane 🩷 lol she already loves him just as much as we do 🥹Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Thank you to everyone that helped me find any bit of info on this boy. Thank you to everyone that donated to help contribute to this boy having a fresh start. Thank you all, so much. 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷 **Another pic of Hiro** [Image](https://imgur.com/a/kITkhrR) **ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP** [Comment Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/s/vGtczNTjHS) Just replying here because this is the top comment and I’m not 100% sure how reddit works. --- I just want to make it clear that i have not ONCE asked for money. I never even implied the need for anyone to donate until a redditor told me it would be a good idea because people may want to help out because of Hiro’s story and I initially wasn’t going to keep him. I didn’t at all think that I would be accused of scamming but I’m just making it clear that: 1. Hiro was SURRENDERED TO ME, I didn’t hold him hostage nor did I ask to keep him. 2. He was NOT my dog ever, I met this dog literally a week ago. He is my dog now because I love him and he deserves a forever home with people that won’t give him away. 3. I’ve stated more than once that I appreciate your help but I AM NOT BEGGING, Hiro is my responsibility now and any donations coming in are completely out of the kindness of fellow animal lovers. I can assure you all, I don’t even have that big of an imagination to come up with some grand scheme to pretend my current dog was abandoned to get money. 💀 Tf even is that? [Image](https://imgur.com/a/GxBF4xJ) Here’s the original Rover request from the sitters I mentioned in my initial post. Nothing I’ve said is a lie. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **One-Giraffe-9222** >To add to this, I'm the redditor/rover sitter who has been in contact with OP and is meeting OP on Sunday. Here is the email that a rescue sent back to me. Based on the information in the email, Hiro's owner had contacted this rescue before dumping him on OP, just because they couldn't take him that same day. They were desperate to get rid of him. It makes me sad that people are accusing OP of lying. (screenshot attached in separate comment because it wouldn't post) >https://www.reddit.com/r/RoverPetSitting/s/CmGL9iZoZS [Image](https://imgur.com/a/X5Jekw9) **OOP replied** >>It’s so upsetting because I didn’t even feel like I was doing some great deed that needed praising or anything, I legitimately felt like it was my responsibility as a dog lover to at least try to help this family and this sweet boy. To get these comments accusing me of such disgusting behavior really hurts when all I wanted to do was share our story. Thank you so much for being the amazing human you are and Hiro and I can’t wait to meet you. 🩷 **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Owner abandoned dog needs a home!

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17yphpu/owner_abandoned_dog_needs_a_home/

17ypiib

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Jeweltwister **Meta control issues causing serious problems** **Originally posted to** r/nonmonogamy **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Sexual manipulation and kink abuse!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/fBw8QB4L5W)  **Nov 8, 2023** I(28M) moved my girlfriend Kasey (25F) into my apartment a year ago, we had been dating for a year when her roommates moved out and she couldn't handle the rent. We weren't exclusive when she moved in but we got really close after she moved in, due to my being gone a lot with my job we decided to keep our relationship open despite us starting to make long-term plans for our life together. On one of my trips, Kasey and her best friend Tina attended a kink event together. Kasey met a guy there named Terry and they met up once a few days after the event. Kasey was really excited about experiencing BDSM for the first time and wanted me to attend the next event with her which sounded like fun. I left on my next trip and Kasey met up with Terry a couple of times while I was gone. When I got back I expected to hear about how her date went but she was kind of evasive. Later when we got intimate we got to the point where she usually goes down on me after I had done the same to her and she froze. I asked what was wrong and she said she couldn't reciprocate without permission. As her Dom, Terry had forbidden her from having oral sex with anyone without his permission and she grabbed her phone and texted Terry, about thirty minutes later he gave her permission. I was completely out of the mood by then and we had a big fight. I told her the next day that Terry having a say over what we did together was unacceptable. There is another kink event this weekend like the one Kasey wanted me to attend, but now she says it wouldn't be a good idea since Terry would be there and would expect her to be with him, but she still wants to go without me. I told her I was going anyway and now she is upset and said she may not go now. **RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP** **ON ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP** **OOP** >She is fairly new to ENM and this was her first exposure to BDSM and as many here have said she didn’t know enough to stand up for herself and had an un-ethical Dom give her a bad indoctrination into the LS.  So she has a steep learning curve to negotiate but I don’t see this as a kick to the curb offense.  She already realizes that what she did was un-ethical and has apologized to me.  And I think Terry is about out of the picture at this point.  Kasey is embarrassed and mad at the same time over the incident. **ADDITIONAL INFORMATION** [Comment 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/LDY3gq3Oni)  **Nov 9, 2023** Kasey and I had a long talk, I let her read some of the comments and she seemed confused about some of it.  I asked about any other rules Terry gave her and I finally got her to open up about them, most were mundane and didn't involve our interaction but there was one other restriction that did.  I said any restrictions from Terry were deal breakers and I wouldn't be part of a relationship like that and she agreed they were off the table. I told her we were attending the kink event together which she protested and even begged me not to go.  I said she was the one that wanted me to go and how could we share this experience together if I wasn't allowed to go with her.  She told me she was supposed to go to Terry's to get dressed and go with him to the event and then back to his place after.  I said that wasn't going to happen and we would go as a couple and leave together.  She got upset and said I was going to ruin things. I told her if I was causing too much drama and she wasn't happy anymore she could just leave, I wouldn't want to hold her back if there was someplace she'd rather be.  She started to cry and said she was sorry and was really clingy the rest of the night.  I didn't mean to, but I think I scared her [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/gCnQFqk6WH)  **Nov 11, 2023** So I posted that my girlfriend. Kasey had attended a kink event while I was out of town.  She was very excited about it and wanted me to go to the next one.  She also saw someone from that event later and started a D/s relationship with them.  Terry, the Dom, put restrictions on a particular sex act that she had to get permission from him before doing with me.  After an argument about that, she also brought up the kink event and how I probably shouldn't go as Terry would be expecting her to be exclusively with him at the event.  The Reddit commentators were enraged at Terry for taking advantage of Kasey's inexperience in BDSM. I was able to get ahold of a Pro-Domme who offered to talk to both of us about the situation.   Kasey explained to her what Terry said and his rules and how BDSM worked.  The Domme contradicted Terry and said he was a bad actor and how BSDM relationships worked and what kind of boundaries she should have insisted on. The call lasted almost an hour and Kasey and I had a discussion after that.  She called Terry on the phone and put it on the speaker where I could hear, the short version she called him out on his list of rules and that she knows enough now to know he was taking advantage of her and she doesn't want anything to do with him anymore.  She said she was going to the kink event with me and preferred to not have any interaction with him at all. So we went to the kink event and it was pretty fun, a little wild but fun,  and met some nice people.  Kasey did wear the outfit she bought to attend with Terry, revealing enough she had to wear a long coat before we got there.  Terry saw her come in and started over towards where we were sitting but I stood up in front of Kasey and he must have changed his mind.   I think we are going to be taking some classes together and incorporating it into our playtime.  **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Meta control issues causing serious problems

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ypiib/meta_control_issues_causing_serious_problems/

17ypj9g

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/CartographerFun1535 **My fiancé (37M) made me (26F) get plastic surgery just to get engaged. Now I want to call off the wedding** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional abuse and manipulation, body shaming, coerced surgery!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/YON0olRyMN)  **Nov 10, 2023** *I want to clarify that NO, this is not a fake post. This is my first ever Reddit post, I felt compelled to get some outside perspective bc I don’t confide in anyone in my personal life. No one knows I got this surgery. I’m glad I did post this and I really appreciate everyone’s feedback. I know what I need to do but it’s not easy. I will update in a few weeks* I (26F) have been engaged to my fiancé (37M) for 6 months now, and we’re getting married next Spring. Our relationship has not been easy and we dated for 2 years before getting engaged and he broke up with me once in between for 5 months. Right now I am so conflicted, there was a time I was so eager to be engaged to him and now I’m lost. First off, I kind of had to give an ultimatum to get engaged, to which he responded he has not proposed all this time bc of something in my looks that he’s not attracted to. He asked me to get a specific plastic surgery to correct this issue and that he would pay for it, and only then he’s willing to get engaged. So, I went ahead and got the surgery 🤡 Anyways, we get engaged and I can still tell he’s not that attracted to me bc the surgery didn’t really make a big difference . Doesn’t compliment me, doesn’t really touch me or initiate things with me. He doesn’t complain or bash my looks but doesn’t rave about it either. But this isn’t the worst of it, I am currently in grad school and he works full time and makes over $500k/year. He is paying for the wedding and has rubbed it in my face on 2 occasions how I contribute nothing, and that I basically never have the right to complain about anything ever because he works so hard to pay for things (I complained once that I feel we don’t spend enough quality time). I just don’t know if I’m making a huge mistake getting married to him, I don’t want to be miserable. I am so anxious. I don’t feel like he loves me, he pushes me away when he’s having a bad day and doesn’t talk to me. I just feel kind of neglected in the relationship but I also don’t want to be a victim and consider maybe he’s right about some things. Breaking an engagement off is so embarrassing, and this would be his 2nd broken engagement and I don’t want to do that to him. I just feel really lost…how do I go about this? Edit: thank you for all the responses even the mean ones that I needed to hear. The surgery I got was liposuction of my legs from thighs to ankles, I’ve always carried weight in my lower body. He says financially successful man don’t like thick women and goes on to list all the successful men he knows and uses their women as reference. I figured he was right about this and got the surgery and I’m still trying to lose weight bc the lipo didn’t make a huge difference. Also, to those that ask what good qualities he has. I initially thought he was very kind, helps the poor and goes on medical mission trips (he’s a doctor), he is funny and we actually get along really well when things are good. And I love his parents so much and I really feel for them, they are older and want grandkids and want to see their son married, I don’t think they realize how mean he can be. I’m not going to pretend his money is not appealing. I didn’t grow up with a lot of money and watched my parents struggle as immigrants, I always wanted to make sure my kids will grow up in a financially stable environment. It’s not really gold digging because I’m not a materialistic person, I don’t care for expensive things just don’t want to struggle like my parents did. To those who think I can get a prenup or divorce, our culture and community is veryyyy strict, I probably should’ve mentioned we are middle eastern (not Muslims). We don’t get divorced, it’s not an option in our church. HE ended his first engagement, not her. He said she became too obsessed with the wedding planning and felt like a different personality of her had come out after she secured the ring. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/KfxPVJtBVM)  **Nov 12, 2023** Hello everyone. I did not think I would post the update so soon but here it is. We broke up, today. 48 hours after my initial post and 1000+ people begging me not to get married. The wedding is off. This is how it went. He picked me up bc we had our engagement photo shoot today, he has been depressed for over a month now over a real estate lawsuit that he started. He has already been putting me on the back burner bc of this lawsuit and gives me 0 attention, acts like I am an added stressor in his life. So I’m already fed up with the mopey attitude. He starts going off about how he’s not in the mood to take pics today and that it’s hard for him to smile, how drained and unhappy he feels over the house. I literally exploded, with everything that’s happened I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I’ve never met such a literal man child in my life, for him to break down over a lawsuit HE STARTED, he is not fit to ever be the man, the sole provider of a family, to face real troubles of life. He has never had any real issues in his life. He is a literal man child. I told him he never acknowledged how INSANE it is that I went and got surgery just for him to find me more attractive. He never recognized the care and sacrifices I’ve made for him. I did take ownership for letting this relationship drag out as far as an engagement, after he showed me time after time how unfit he is to be a life partner. It is my fault, I ignored the red flags and I kept having hope he would change one day. Maybe if I brought him a child he would start to appreciate me more, maybe seeing me as a mother he would start to love me. I am so glad it didn’t last long enough to find out. We didn’t make it to the shoot obviously, he ended up driving me back home. Sadly we wasted the poor photographers time. His reaction throughout all of this was VERY minimal. So cold, he would look down and look sad but it looked like he was pretending. He said he was sorry and he thought I deserved better than him. He said his emotional battery had run out. This was the end of it, I gave him the ring back and told him we’re never speaking again. I want to thank everyone who responded to my original post. I read every single one, I can’t express how much it helped me finally come to this decision today. You guys actually saved my life. I am not even sad, I am so relieved, I feel lighter. Thank you all so much. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My fiancé (37M) made me (26F) get plastic surgery just to get engaged. Now I want to call off the wedding

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ypj9g/my_fiancé_37m_made_me_26f_get_plastic_surgery/

17yq1xz

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Long-Dress-1947](https://www.reddit.com/user/Long-Dress-1947/). She posted on r/TrueOffMyChest Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the suggestion! **Mood Spoiler:** >!sad and divisive!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17okzkw/i_know_that_my_husband_is_cheating_on_me_i_need/)**: November 5, 2023** I(f40) found that out about 6 months ago. I went into a total shock. I thought he (m39) loved me because he tells me that every day. We have a beautiful family together. 3 beautiful children (5,4 and 16mo) . Beautiful home. Vacation home. We are close to both our families and everything else is perfect. She(f35) is a coworker if my husband that I know very well. She has been in my home. I have comforted her when her husband cheated on her and left her for his new woman. I saw her pain. Little did I know that she would inflict that same pain on me a few months later. I saw her nudes on his phone. Talk about their hook-ups on messenger. She isn’t even beautiful. She is disgusting, pathetic and miserable(I know I’m being a disgusting misandrist here but I can’t help myself). What does she have that I don’t? He disgusts me very much. He is pathetic and stupid. My respect for him is gone. I have chosen to pretend that I don’t know. I love my life and I’ll be damned if I share my children and not be able to see them every day of their lives. Not him nor her deserve me separating from my babies, my home, my family, my comfortable life and my safety. Sometimes I think he knows that I know. When he looks at me and asks me to come back to him. When he asks where I’m in my thoughts. “It feels like your body is here but your mind is a thousand miles away”. I don’t answer him. He starts to argue, sometimes it feels like he is doing it to provoke a reaction out of me but I never answer or engage until he gets tired and leaves me alone. I never initiate anything with him and when he has me, I just let him and I refuse to let him pleasure me. In the beginning he complained that I am distant and cold and that I want him to use protection (I told him I stopped using BC so he has to wear protection). His complaining stopped when I told him that it’s either this or nothing. 6 months later, I am mostly at peace with my life. Still a lot of ups and downs but the downs are getting fewer and further apart(today was a down so I needed to vent). The part of my heart and thoughts that were occupied with my husband were suddenly empty and I have found out that I’m pretty good at filling the void with other things, new hobbies and even more quality time with my babies and loved ones. All is well ***Relevant Comments: (OOP left a lot, and they give some good insight into her feelings at the moment. I tried to narrow them down)*** *Look into talking to a therapist:* "I’m. I started therapy when it all began because I was going mad. It helped a lot and still helping a lot." *Whatever you decide, document EVERYTHING:* "We have no fault divorce here. At the same time, I get 1/2 in divorce and I mean half of everything he owns including his companies. Whether he made it before or after we got married." "I won’t get primary custody or I would have been gone 5 seconds after I found out about his cheating on me." *Why wouldn't you get primary custody? Don't moms always get that?* "Where are you from? Because this is so odd. Shared custody is the default if the one parent doesn’t wave their rights away or is being abusive or addicted or something serious" "Primary custody isn’t a thing here" *More on how OOP feels and how husband feels:* "He is the main bread winner yes. We had a fight about a month ago, or not a fight more of him complaining that I’m distant and neglectful and he asked me what I wanted and kept asking and pestering me. I said I wanted him to leave me and give me my children. I would leave everything else to him. He was stunned for a while then when he calmed down he said that I should take this idea out of my head, that I’m crazy if I thought he would abandon the children" "Believe me, I tried so hard to be normal around him. It would have been so much easier. But I guess that is my limit of pretending. I just haven’t managed to act normal. Very disappointing" *He may try blindsiding you with a divorce:* "He won’t divorce. Not for her and not for anyone. He has a lot to lose in case of a divorce even more than me. I don’t read their conversations anymore but he has no feelings for her. If he chooses to divorce for other reason, then it makes no difference if he or I do it. No he didn’t ask me why she isn’t allowed in my home anymore and he never talked about her again. He asked her though if she had done something or told me something. They speculated about it and he told her if I found out in anyway. He will never talk to her again. She said that it was unfair because maybe I would find out another way but he told her that it didn’t matter how, if I did he will never speak or see her again. So I don’t think she will ever bother me as long as she wants him. She will not want this to come out. Anyway if they give me a few more years I would be very happy. When the children are a bit older, he can leave me for her or a trash can for all I care." "If he asks for divorce then I can’t do anything about it. Then it is divorce. I’m counting on him not wanting to have the children half the time either. If he has his home and his fun I don’t see why he would want a divorce." *Wait, you told him she wasn't allowed in your home anymore? Does he know?* "No, he looked scared and said ok. We never brought her up again" "Maybe it is for the better if he knows, then I don’t need confrontation." *Screenshot the messages and threaten to leak them:* "I don’t think threatening to expose someone’s nudes is justifiable plus I have no interest in doing anything to hurt her. My vendetta is with him and him alone. If not her it could have been any other loser but he will always he him. He hurt me and crushed my dreams and future." *On the other woman:* "It takes two to tango, she might wanted to inflict her pain on a happy unsuspecting woman, just to feel better about herself. Just to feel that this doesn’t only happen to her. But a good man would not have fallen for this. He would have turned her down. I hate her but he is the one who destroyed my happiness. She can’t have children and her husband’s new woman has given birth to their first child. I think she she wanted to take out her hurt on a mother, because in her mind her husband cheated because she couldn’t conceive. He cheated because he is a bad person. She will never get it." *Just tell him you know:* "I have contemplated telling him so many times but I don’t know why I just can’t, like I would lose the little control I still have. Can you understand me? What if he knows. He will say it is over and he will change and he is sorry. None of which is true or something I want to hear. I will have to pretend I forgive him, forget, start marriage counseling. Pretend I’m fine. Or he would not care. Continue with his ways. He knows that I don’t want to break up our family and he doesn’t want that either. I don’t know which is worse" *One more thought from OOP:* "I lost my husband and the love of my life. I won’t lose my children and the life I know and love too." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17trwsa/update_on_i_know_my_husband_is_cheating_on_me_i/)**: November 12, 2023 (1 week later)** Hi everyone. I didn’t expect that I needed to make an update about my post because I really only ever wanted to vent because nobody knows my situation and I need an outlet (sorry about that btw). I have some news anyway and mostly they’re based on your comments about me needing to protect my ass in case my husband got bored and left me. I have never been worried before because I basically own half of everything legally speaking but I started to think of worse case scenario situations. Anyway, Friday, my husband had made me dinner and brought me flowers and chocolate. He said he wanted to make it a night for the two of us because he felt that we were pulling apart. Kids were sleeping and he wanted me and then got upset because it wasn’t how he imagined the evening would go and accused me of not loving him or our family anymore. I got really angry when accused me of not loving my family when they’re all I have left to give me love and hope. I snapped at him that I didn’t feel safe with him anymore and he full well knew why I had become this way. **You know the reason why!**. He was shocked and looked at me without saying anything and then just sat silent on his end of the sofa for the rest of the evening. Before bed he asked me to tell him how I would feel safe again and to tell him what I wanted him to do. He went to bed. I stayed up all night and made a list of demands. 1. I want a post-nuptial agreement where I get my house and my summer house. 2. I become a partner at his companies at 50%. I don’t know how these things work since I wont be buying in but this is for him to fix. I’m not interested in management just that I have my half and the passive income. 3. I want him to get a vasectomy. We were planning 4 children before all this but I don’t want that anymore. So he should have a vasectomy. 4. I want him to always wear condoms with me or never bother to touch me again. I will not even tolerate complaining about that part. Also I want biannual sti tests. This morning I sent him a text with these demands. I know it is silly to send someone you live with a text but I didn’t want to fumble with my words and forget details. I didn’t want him to see me cry or being visibly emotional. I just couldn’t take him trying to console me. Just the thought of him feeling sorry for me makes me sick. But also I didn’t want to forget anything and I wanted it to be in writing. He read it on the breakfast table and he didn’t say anything. We continued the day as normal and when the children were in bed we had our dinner and he said, **About your demands, I agree**. I told him to start on Monday with realizing my list. He agreed. So I guess since many of you asked me to take measurements and have a back-up plan. This is what I could come up with. And it did help. I woke up today a little bit less anxious. I don’t know how long we can keep this up, but I hope until I feel safe to leave my babies in his care. Maybe when they’re all in school. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Speak to an attorney and have them draft up parts 1 and 2:* "I am making him the appointment for the vasectomy tomorrow this is the most important thing tbh." *I thought this was HIS decision- why are you calling for him?* "He asked me to since I’m a SAHM and usually do all the appointments and stuff. He doesn’t have time for these things" *He doesn't have time for that but had time for an affair?* "Yeah THAT he had time for. Trash excuse of a human" *On the vasectomy:* "I think he even liked the idea of vasectomy to tell you the truth. He probably thought now he can do whatever without any consequences in a form of child support. I don’t know, we have always talked about vasectomy after we are done having children so it wasn’t a new concept. Only difference is that we wanted four children but now we have three. I think that both me and him thought 3 were enough even before all this, when we got out youngest because it turned out to be a lot more than we thought 🥰" *On the other woman:* "I wanted to demand that he cut cooperation with the company he hires where she works as a consultant. But then more than 10 people would be affected. It didn’t sit right with me plus it wouldn’t make them not see each other and I honestly don’t care. I just want peace and to feel safe" *Do you want to know if it's more than just her?* "I work with the assumption that there are/will be more" "I will never trust him whether he ended it with her or not. This ship has sailed" *Cut off everything physical:* "If it is up to me, he would never touch me again but I can only reject him that many times." *Because you find it hard to resist, because he wears you down, or because you’re afraid the entire situation will break down and encourage him to file?* "the second one. He gets very upset and often I feel guilty too" *Did he give you an apology?* "He said he was sorry that he made me feel unsafe with him" *On screenshots, a lawyer and suing:* "Yes I have contacted some lawyers today. We will see how this will work because I have no idea. I can’t sue anyone because we don’t live in the US" *All of this is just so you don't have to work?* "I will be back to work when my baby is older. In a year and a half or so. I am a teacher and I didn’t study for almost 5 years to stay home"

I know that my husband is cheating on me. I need to tell someone

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17yq1xz/i_know_that_my_husband_is_cheating_on_me_i_need/

17yq2lv

**I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/Ab-Normal-Opinion](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ab-Normal-Opinion/). OOP posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/) and their own page. New Update marked with \*\*\*\*\*. Previous BORU [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/122b21c/aita_for_saying_yes_to_my_boyfriends_proposal/) **Trigger Warning:** >!cheating; sexual assault; mental health issues!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!unsettling but things are getting better?!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11utscb/aita_for_saying_yes_to_my_boyfriends_proposal/)**: March 18, 2023** Hi. Sorry, I usually just read through this sub, but this happened and I've been wondering if I'm the asshole, so I decided to ask. So, basically, I'm 24NB. My boyfriend (Fiance?) is 25M. My sister is 26F, and I don't know the ages of most of her friends, but roughly the same age. Now, my sister and my boyfriend/fiance do not get along well. I don't really know what happened. I think my sister is just upset because she has issues with commitment, and she dated him at their high school (I went to a different high school), and then cheated him, and is upset he broke up with her. I met him in college, and didn't know it was him. Now, what happened is, last week it was my sister's birthday. She was always into stupidly lavish things, we both are, so she threw a big birthday party at a venue in the forest. Me and my boyfriend/fiance were both invited. We've been dating for a few years and he's never been invited to one of my sister's birthday parties before, so we were both thrilled at this development. At the party, my sister was busy opening all her presents, then eating cake, both of which we were there for. Afterward, my sister started talking to her friends, and the guests started to explore the area. It was stunning. Me and my boyfriend were a little bit away when we found a little clearing. We were still pretty close to the venue, but I think it was pretty private. My boyfriend thought so too. He got down on one knee, and proposed. He didn't have a ring, he had one at home though, but he had woven a ring out of grass while we were walking (we are both very fidgety), so he put that on my finger after I said yes. Apparently it wasn't as private as I thought, because when we got back to the venue after taking a selfie and scheduling a post for a few hours after the party was scheduled to end, I was bombarded by a shower of congratulations. Turns out my sister's friend, "Lisa", saw my boyfriend propose, and then came back to the venue and told everyone. I figured that I could show them the ring, and tell the story, and then move on from that and back to my sister. While I was being congratulated, another girl, one of my sister's best friends, came up to me, asked to see the ring, and told me that "Wow, he even skimped out on a ring. He couldn't plan his own proposal, or get you a nice ring." I was upset, because I wasn't even planning to tell anyone. If someone noticed the ring, I would tell them, but I wasn't going to announce it to the world, or do it in public where everyone can see us. We left immediately afterwards, and my entire family has been blowing up my phone calling me an attention seeking b-word, and that I shouldn't have done that to my sister. I'm worried I might be an asshole because it was my sister's birthday. and if I said no maybe she wouldn't have been upset about my boyfriend proposing. ***Relevant Comments:*** *What all do you know about your sister and bf's history?* "And when I say I don't know why they don't get along, I mean that when they broke up, my sister had only dated him for a couple months, cheated on him, and when I introduced him to my family, they seemed to get along, then he told me what happened, in case there was any awkwardness, and then a couple months later she kind of... just hated him again, and refused to tell me why. Sorry that wasn't clear." *Did he know you were related to your sister?* "He didn't know it was me, I don't think so at at least, until we went to meet the parents, and my sister subsequentially. Obviously since the dinner was a bit awkward, I asked him about it on the ride home. He told me a brief summary of their history, which I listed here. I genuinely don't know anything else about their past, and he might have been lying, now that I think about it. These comments have kind of opened my eyes." "My name is rare enough that if you went to the same high school with two people who had that name, you would assume they're related, but not so rare that you would assume everyone with that name from the same area that has that name is related." ***OOP is voted YTA*** **Update (Same Post): March 19, 2023 (next day)** Hey guys, I'll probably do a more complete update later, but scrolling through your posts kind of awoken something in me. I've never been good with people (Undiagnosed Autism), so it didn't occur to me that my BF might have been lying about my sister. I told him that I was going to be thinking about some things, gave him back the ring, and called a friend we both knew in high school. He said that apparently my BF was lying. See, I was in a student exchange program when they were dating. So I never knew what happened, since the drama died down before I got back, but apparently my BF not only lied about my sister cheating, but also lied about why they stopped getting along. Yeah. Apparently, not only did my sister not cheat, the reason they broke up is because my BF did. Cheat that is. With his brother. At least that's what the rumors that went around said. Neither of them shared. And then tried to sleep with my sister, which is why she got cold around him again. She didn't tell me because she didn't want to ruin my happiness. So as far as I can tell, he might have proposed to me as a twisted revenge scheme of some kind. I'm thinking about it all over. I will make another update post later when I've figured all the pieces out. ***Relevant Comment:*** "Apparently the rumor that went around was that either my sister broke up with him because she walked in on him and his brother doing stuff or my bf broke up with her because she didn’t want to do things with both of them. Those were the two biggest rumors at school. Neither shared the real reason, but the brother was involved." *Dude, nothing to think over, just end it:* "I'm going to try and talk to my sister first. I want to hear everything from her side, not through word of mouth." ***OOP went into more detail on the "undiagnosed autism" statement:*** "While me and my parents have never pursued a formal diagnosis, due to a lot of reasons, mostly because of the way that people with an official diagnosis are treated. However my therapist said I did have a high likelihood of being autistic, and a lot of my friends and family have commented on this before." "Cool. Good to know. I’m sorry I have all the classic signs of autism, don’t fully understand social cues, get overstimulated, hate noisy and crowded environments, hate human touch because it feels weird, and can’t eat 99% of foods because of sensory issues, but I can’t get diagnosed because I am AFAB and the stigma against AFAB and autism is horrible, such as the belief that we can’t have autism for some reason, so we don’t get diagnosed and even if I did the repercussions would be horrible, for example the multiple countries that don’t let autistic people live there. But it’s good to know all of these aren’t signs of autism that I can’t get diagnosed and I’m just stupid." **Small Update in Comments: March 26, 2023** "My sister requested we keep our distance, so I wasn’t talking to her because of that, but I arranged a meeting through my mom. And yeah. I’m realizing I was used like hell. Luckily I can now call him my ex. Unluckily, he isn’t taking it well." "Yep. A lot of stuff is happening though. I’m waiting to do an official update until everything settles down more." **\*\*\*\*\*New Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Ab-Normal-Opinion/comments/17trgdq/update_aita_for_saying_yes_to_my_boyfriends/)**: November 12, 2023 (8 months later)\*\*\*\*\*** I am so sorry. I know it's been, what, several months, but to be honest I lost my computer and in all the drama that happened, I was recommended to not post anyhting until everything was finished, so yeah. Also, so people who used she/her in the comments, I actually use he/fae pronouns currently (at the time I used he/they). So, anyway, turns out the high school rumors were fake, which I'm sure no one is surprised about. They were outlandish, and while they did pique my interest in what went down, I didn't really believe them. Now, I spoke to my sister about what happened as some of you suggested, and I learned the following things: \- My ex fiancee was her ex boyfriend, obviously, and he stalked her for a long time after they dated, trying to get him to take her back, until he got put in the mental hospital. \- He got his twin brother to sleep with her when she didn't notice the difference, even though, according to her, they put effort into being identical, even having the same tattoos when they got older. \- When I brought him home, after I went to bed, he tried to hit on her and sleep with her. The reason she didn't tell me was because he apologized in the morning and he went through therapy at the hospital. She assumed that we were in a healthy relationship and that I was happy. She assumed he was a better person now. Anyway, I spoke to some of my friends about it, and his friends. Turns out he didn't 'Not know who I was' before hand. He would talk about me to his friends, he would pester my friends from high school about what college I was going to. So yeah, this guy was dangerous, and I'm very happy I talked to them. After all the things that happened, I told him I wanted him to move out for a while because of all the backlash and I needed to think about. Yeah, that was a bad move, and he tried to break into my house multiple times. We're all safe now, and me and my family have restraining orders on him, and he was arrested. He got put in the mental hospital again, and the authorities say he'll probably be going to jail when or if he gets out of there. The months following this, I have been unlearning a lot of the bad habits I had gotten into. Turns out I was stupid and looking at everything through rose tinted lenses. Not only that, but I was basically only surrounded by his equally awful friends (Though not all of them, shout out to Jack!). So yeah, I'm in a better space now, I'm happier now, I broke up with that man, and I burned the ring (oh, and apparently he wanted to do it as one last fuck you to my sister and it wasn't spur of the moment, so there's that to). I'm living with my sister and her husband, I've been getting some therapy to get over being in a shitty relationship and break these habits. I probably won't get into another relationship any time soon, but I decided to go back to college. **Editor's note:** I had never heard of fae pronouns, so did some digging. Here's [one](https://www.indstate.edu/sites/default/files/media/student-affairs/pdfs/lgbtq_pronouns_a_how_to_guide.pdf) from Indiana State University.

New Update 8 months later: AITA For Saying Yes to My Boyfriend's Proposal?

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17yq2lv/new_update_8_months_later_aita_for_saying_yes_to/

17z7hy5

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Sensitive-Cut-9117 **in** r/AmItheAsshole trigger warnings: >!verbal abuse, lying, manipulative behaviour!< mood spoilers: >!messy!<   [**AITA for hosting my own thanksgiving after my DIL didn’t invite me to hers**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17s3qgx/aita_for_hosting_my_own_thanksgiving_after_my_dil/) **- 10th November 2023** I came here for another opinion. My DIL does not like me, my son got her pregnant in college and I told him to get a paternity test since he was not exclusive with her and she wasn’t either ( he told me, she was seeing other people). He did and he is the father. The first time I met her, she told me it was not a pleasure to met the person who thinks she is a whore. (Never called her that) I tried to explain but got cut off by my son. Me and him had a conversation and he told me to drop it. Shotgun wedding and one kid later, our relationship is strained. I see her at family events but that really is it. I have been blow off so many times for inviting them out that I don’t anymore. I have accepted that I won’t be a strong presence in their lives or my grandkid. Now the family rotates who does holidays. It is her time to host thanksgiving. I gave a text asking what time I should be over and if they want me to bring anything. She told me I wasn’t invited but my husband is. I talked it over with him and we decided to host our own. I informed the other kids what happened and I will have dinner at my place if they want to go. Well none of the other kids are going now and I am getting texts from her and my son that I am acting like a jerk and to cancel my thanksgiving.   **Comments** **jrm1102** *NTA - hey, you may be an AH to your DIL. Jury is out on that one and its not why we’re here. But when it comes to thanksgiving, you werent invited so what did she expect you to do?* &#x200B; >OOP: I don’t know, my husband wouldn’t let me sit around by myself on thanksgiving. **jrm1102** *As he shouldnt - and if your other kids didnt want you to be alone on thanksgiving either, thats fine too.* **Cuppieecakes** *If my SIL Treated my mother like shit I wouldn’t attend that dinner either.* &#x200B; **LopsidedCauliflower8** NTA and it doesn't matter but I'm just curious, would you have told him to get a paternity test if they were exclusive with each other? She sounds demonic lol &#x200B; >OOP: No… it wouldn’t make sense to do so. &#x200B; **KickIcy9893** *Info - why are you blaming this entirely on your DIL not you son? Especially when the son cut her off explaining why she asked for the paternity test. The son were lying to the DIL, I think he was the one not exclusive and dint wanted to make that clear to the baby mama.* &#x200B; >OOP: Because I got a text when this first going down that he seemed confused and I am unsure if he was involved in this I need to call him &#x200B; **Judgement - NTA** &#x200B; [**Mini update On The Same Post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17s3qgx/aita_for_hosting_my_own_thanksgiving_after_my_dil/) **- 10th November 2023** **Mini update:** I sent a text with screenshots about not being invited to my son, according to him he didn’t know I wasn’t invited and thought I was hosting to piss of his wife. He sent texts that confirm that. I have called DIL to ask about how he presented the paternity test and if they were exclusive at the time. No pick up so I will ask over text and give my side of the story. Will inform when she responds I got thrown under the bus and they were on a break when she got pregnant. Apparently they dated for like two months, had a break, became fuck buddies again, got back together, then she found out she was pregnant. He presented it as me forcing him to have the test. Sooooo they are going to deal with that now &#x200B; **Comments** **Lucallia** *NTA but it sure sounds like you raised one.* &#x200B; **kaysowot** *Ha ha, I'm tipping DIL is over on JNMIL telling a whole different version than the one presented here* &#x200B; **Editor's note - there is no actual post, the above comment is just speculation.** &#x200B; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

AITA for hosting my own thanksgiving after my DIL didn’t invite me to hers

ONGOING

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17z7hy5/aita_for_hosting_my_own_thanksgiving_after_my_dil/

17zgtcc

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ThrowRApalmayqueso, **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest **I [30M] think my wife [29F] is in love with her female best friend.** Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, mentions of homophobia, physical abuse!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17rbyxs/i_30m_think_my_wife_29f_is_in_love_with_her/) - **November 9, 2023** I have been married with my wife for seven years and we meet eight years ago in a church meeting and we became friends. My wife is a quiet, kind and beautiful woman, any man's dream therefore it was obvious that I fell for her instantly although she always behaved with what I thought was shyness, not wanting to cuddle with me or only kissing me on rare occasions we both were raised in Christian Families in a part of our country that is really religious, but unlike me, her parents were always the type who follows the Holy Doctrine really seriously so she has a traditional way of thinking about religion and how women should behave so I always tought that it was because of that her behavior is like that. Sometimes I think she looks like a robot, she's nice and kind with everyone but a couple of times I saw her staying all quiet staring into space like if she was dead, over the years I began to take it as something normal on her personality because she always refused to go to the psychologist and always said that she's just like that, until two months ago when she found out that the woman who was her best friend in high school was coming back to the town, I never saw her so happy and alive. I felt happy for her, thinking that what she needed was a female friend. My wife never used to leave the house but since that woman is staying in the town she has been going out as much posible, She became a different person but not in a bad way, but she looks full of life and to be honest I never saw her smile as much as when she tells me that she will go out with her friend for a coffee (for the record, I'm sure she's not sleeping with her because she doesn't know how to lie and her behavior with me never changed). I'm not going to deny it, days ago I started to feel jealous of that woman, that she is the reason why my wife smiles so much and is on her phone all day, out of pure curiosity three days ago I entered her FB and some albums were public, she had a lot of álbumes and I found pictures of her and my wife during High school, that woman was hugging my wife as if they were a couple, in some of the photos they were holding hands or looking at each other with bright smiles which is something she never does with me. Her family hates gay people although my wife never talked ill about them but just avoid talking about the topic wich now makes sense to me. I don't know whether to confront her because maybe I'm just thinking too much or maybe she's in love with her ¿ex-girlfriend?. The only thing I'm sure of is that she only looks happy talking about that woman so I don't know what to do Edit: I'm sorry if I write something wrong, English is not my first language. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **yetagainitry:** Yes she does love her friend, because she's her friend. All I saw in your post was a woman being excited that a close friend she hasn't seen in years is coming back, and that there was a picture of them hugging. I'm assuming all this paranoia is from your religious upbringing cause all i'm seeing is two women are friends. If you should be asking anything it's why didn't you see the clear lonliness your wife was feeling before this friend came back into her life? >**OP:** I referred to the way they held hands especially because my wife and I never held hands, When we started dating every time I tried she told me to not hug her or hold her hands because "she doesn't like romantic things", I always respected her boundaries about that so I did get confused when I saw her in pictures like that with another person. > >We do have a healthy relationship in feelings terms, when I notice she's off we talk although she never wanted to see a psychologist but she likes to talk about why she feels weird that day but but always ends up saying that that's her personality , we have been always close friends since we meet but it surprised me when I saw she actually likes being hugged by someone **Particular-Use-6913:** I think that’s pretty odd. Surely at some point your paths would cross, even if you weren’t wondering. Does your wife give an explanation as to why the friend wouldn’t care to? I don’t know many people who wouldn’t want to meet their best friend’s significant other. >**OP:** Same, that's why I feel it's odd My wife just says that her friend isn't interested in meeting me and closes the conversation, I feel that if I insist on asking the reason we would end up arguing and I always prefer to avoid that > >I know her friend left the town to live in the capital and sometimes people become elitist after living there but that wouldn't make sense since I lived half my life in the capital and while my family is religious, I was never the strict religious type so I don't get why her friend doesn't want to meet me &nbsp; **Editor’s Note: The update was created in a separate post which was later deleted. OOP has posted the update under his original post** [Update - in the same post with Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17rbyxs/i_30m_think_my_wife_29f_is_in_love_with_her/) - **November 9, 2023** Thanks for the advices in my previous post, although I got few replies everyone was very friendly. I decided to confront my wife and ask about the photos with her friend during high school, everyone in the post said that they are most likely just friends and made my mind feel more in peace thinking that I was overthinking but when I showed her the photos she began to breathe fast in what I think was a panic attack, I helped her to calm but then she got upset because I sneaked in her friend FB, I knew she was trying to change the subject because she loves to do that so I got serious and told her to talk. After a few long minutes full of her trying to change the topic, she ended up telling me everything: Indeed, she and her friend used to be a couple during high school and friends since Kindergarten, they kept the relationship as a secret pretending to be only best friends until my wife's parents found out and beated her up separating them, her friend moved to the capital that year and they never saw each other again but for what my wife said and showed, they never stopped loving each other. In some point of the conversation my wife stopped calling her friend by name and without realizing she started calling her "Mi amor" wich hurt me because in all years married she never called me like that, I asked her if she was cheating on me with her friend and said that they never kissed or anything but I'm sure she's emotionally cheating me (She doesn't know what's that concept so she really believes she's not doing anything wrong) The reason why her friend never wanted to meet me or even go to our wedding is because she hates to see 'her' love married with a man she doesn't even like and living a lie, ouch. I asked my wife if she loves me and said yes but like a best friend, yes, my own wife just friendzoned me. She cried a lot saying that she's really sorry for lying to me, when we meet we really clicked as friends and she told me that her parents insisted her to marry me so she could 'heal', that explained why she never liked to hug, cuddle or do anything romantic with me; It wasn't because she was shy but because she didn't liked me. I wanted to lose my temper and yell at her, I wanted to cry and even run away because I was patient and empathetic with all the times she rejected my affection and I felt alone, I've even been thinking for years that maybe I'm a bad husband and I was treating her badly without realizing it, feeling insecure about my own personality but she assured me that I was never the problem. I didn't cried or yell, I just left the house and came to my sister's house, we didn't talked about divorce or anything like that, I even think my wife doesn't see any problem with what she did with her friend but I'm sure that I don't want to spend all my life in a loveless marriage with a woman that will never love me back. I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just venting at this point but I feel like I wasted all my youth, I didn't expected to update so fast but I needed to talk about that. It's not like I don't feel bad for her, I do, but now I feel even worse for myself. Pd-I had to delete the first update because I had to edit some things. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **AlpineJ:** Has she tried contacting you since you left? >**OP:** No, not at all. But at least for today I don't want to talk with her neither **kingthunderflash:** You need to divorce her and go completely NC. You deserve so much better than that toxic woman who has lied to your face for years. I’m sorry OP. >**OP:** I'm sure that I will divorce her although I still didn't tell her that because I want time alone. I feel empathy for her and always saw her as a kind woman but the fact that she used me totally changed my perception of her. Thanks for your words:) &nbsp; [Final Update – recovered with Wayback Machine](https://web.archive.org/web/20231113231052/https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17unpic/final_update_i_think_my_wife_is_in_love_with_her/) - **November 13, 2023** Maybe nobody remember my two first posts but I wanted to at least post a final update because I'm really thankful for all the kind comments and advices I received, they're helping me a lot. I come back to my house the day after my last update and my ex-wife was there laying in the couch, the first thing I said when I entered was "We're going to divorce" Maybe that wasn't the best way of saying it but she have the habit of changing the topic when I want to talk about serious things so I didn't wanted her to do that this time. She crearly didn't expected that and started to cry and have an anxiety attack saying that we can't divorce, that I can't do that to us but what hit me harder was "There's no point in us breaking up, the fact that I don't love you doesn't change anything" wich is true, I realized that our relationship was always like that, her treating me just like a friend and me accepting that kind of trait. She said that she never cheated or anything like that even if I explained again what's "Emotional cheating", I told her that she's not even attracted to mans so there's no sense in staying married because we're just not for each other and asked her if she still loved that bestfriend and she didn't denied it but kept insisting that we shouldn't divorce. I can understand why she was so desesperate but it made me feel used, like if I was her pathetic beard who she can always use as a shield for herself or a dog who will always be happy with the smallest token of affection. I don't need her signature anyway to get a divorce so even if she doesn't want to, we're 100% going to break up. I told her I'm not going to take her out of the closet but if anyone asks I'll just say the truth avoiding the sexuality topic because I don't want people gossiping and assuming things that didn't happened. The lands and basically all the things of the house are mine and maybe I'm an asshole for this but I told her that I will not give her anything because it's all mine and I inherited the land from my grandfather, at this point she just looked sad and defeated so didn't complained or anything (Although I will get advice from a lawyer to be sure). I told her that she can stay until december in the house and she answered that she will be probably have to come back to live with her parents wich actually made me feel bad because my ex-in-laws are not good people but for what she said, she's still talking with her bestfriend so luckily she's not alone, the conversation finished awkward with me just leaving. For now I'm staying at my sister's house, I can have time for myself since she and my other sisters are out of the province for a concert, I didn't talked with my ex-wife after that day and she didn't tried to contact me but I know that she told my ex-in-laws about the divorce because they wanted to contact me to ask why we're divorcing but I just answered that "These are things that need to be resolved only between her and me". So this will be probably my last update because i will go NC with my ex-wife after the divorce, we don't have childrens (Sometimes she started talks about having a baby and now I feel really relieved of always saying that I didn't felt ready, maybe something in me was already telling me that she wasn't for me) so we don't have anything that tie us together. I have been going to the psychologist since I was a child so I think that has helped me a lot to channel my emotions, many in the comments said that I shouldn't have empathy or things like that for her but we're both broken people that suffers from a religious trauma and I know how bad that mess to people's mind and heart. Some people in the coments where confused about why I stayed with her when she clearly didn't loved me romantically but I don't know, maybe I always justified her actions because somehow I felt identified with her, maybe I have a hero complex or maybe my sense of duty is too strong that I felt internally tied up with her and responsible of making her happy as her husband even if she always rejected my romantic love. I don't know, that's something I will talk and work with my Psychologist. Also I received questions like why I married with her In the first place and she was the one who said "We should marry" And I was inmature and young at that time and because we got along well I tought it was a good idea. For now I just want to divorce and then spend time with my family. In general I feel numb and weird, I haven't cried yet and in the session of yesterday my psychologist told me that he thinks I already grieve the relationship long time ago even if I didn't realized it. I don't feel like I lost a wife but like a lost a close and good friend and company, not a heartbreak pain but a betrayal pain. Anyways, I don't want anything to do with her anymore, maybe I'm being a bad person for abandoning her knowing the type of life she had but I can't save a person who doesn't want to be saved and I'm tired of trying. For now I will just say goodbye maybe not to a woman I saw as the love of my life but to a woman who helped me and was a good friend for years. I'm really thankful about the kind comments people left (even some mean ones wich make me think that maybe I'm too quiet with how I reacted, that's something wrong? I was never the temperamental type), I'm sorry if the update is a boring one and not about me starting my villain era but that's not my style haha. Thanks everyone! &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

I [30M] think my wife [29F] is in love with her female best friend.

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zgtcc/i_30m_think_my_wife_29f_is_in_love_with_her/

17zgtpn

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/LegElectrical9214 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH for refusing to baby proof the house and lock my cats outside during Xmas party?** Trigger Warnings: >!Workplace harassment!< &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17pjuav/aitah_for_refusing_to_baby_proof_the_house_and/?share_id=hOJXKMVuFTLpaWqS2rm6K&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 6, 2023** So Xmas is coming and my work place is brimming with lights and ideas of who should hold Xmas party this year. Since it is a small company 1 small house would be enough. I happen to have a pool in my backyard and just invested in a bbq. They all ask me if I could hold party this year and I said yes with 2 conditions: First, this will be adult only party and second: we will have bbq with prawns and other normal bbq stuff, meats are always welcome. Everyone agreed and some just ask if I could cook the prawns separately since they are allergic, no problem, I am more than happy to assist with that to make sure noone would go the hospital. One coworker just came back from maternity leave last week after 6 months and she was very adamant to come to the party, she sent an email to all of us asking if she could bring her 3 children with her to the party, one reply with the old email stating my conditions to host. She was not happy to say the least. In the last few days, she has been talking to others including the boss and persuading them to talk to me, and they did. My boss asked me to be flexible and because she just came back we should not cut her out like that, she was there while we talked and asked me to baby proof the house, because her oldest child is suffering some type of illness that he cannot sit still, and also she is allergic to cats so I should wipe the whole house off cat hair and lock them outside until the party is done. According to her if each of us pay some attention to the children there would be no problem, the youngest will stay by her side I straight up said no, I will would not baby proof the house, and I would NEVER lock my cats outside for any reason. I told her and the boss that she should not join the party since there would be alcohols, and hot bbq, also the pool would be dangerous to children without supervision. I made it clear that I agreed to hold the party because everyone agreed with my terms, if anyone is unhappy with that, they are more than welcome to hold the party at their place, I will not complain. She stormed out of the boss office with tears in her eyes. Some people told me to keep the office peaceful by just going along with her demand only for a few hours. I refused, I really don't care if anyone decided to not show up that day. If there are less people, then more alcohols for me, no biggie! Now my boss decided to reevaluate the situation and sent an email asking if anyone else volunteered to hold the party, I was not included in that email I found out through a work friend. I did not say anything and ignore it, people have been replying by email to each other without me and no solution. Yesterday, she came in with her baby and try to show me, I don't like any type of kid so I asked her to leave my table and continued to work, she took offenses and left for the whole day, her workload fell back on us since we all thought she would comeback, but as of right now, she comes and goes as she pleases because her there would always be something with....the babies. People are telling me to stop being an ah and just give her what she want, because being a mother of 3 is no small job and she deserves a break too. To be honest, I almost laugh out loud hearing that. Still people insisted that I was the AH in this situation. So AITAH? &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17u3hot/update_aitah_for_refusing_to_baby_proof_the_house/) - **November 13, 2023** Today we received this message from her. Because many asked for feed back, I will just put a screenshot here. I am not asking for verdict, just an update The /AITAH sub does not allow picture, I was about to post a screenshot! So I guess I will post the content of the email here, names will be changed with xxx. I have not responded, and don't have any intention to reply Good Sunday to you, I think I should email you guys after church today to let you know about the current situation that we are all in. As you know I have been asking to join the Christmas party but some of you think it was a joke. I do want to come, I have been on leave for so long, is it too much to ask for some free time to catch up with you guys? It is not very Christian of you to not help out a single mom. To avoid any further confusion, I will hold the company Christmas party at my house, it is not big and does not have a "pool" but will be great honour to have you all at my place for the party. You all know that I am the mom of three beautiful angels xxxx, xxxx, and xxxx I am not in a position to spend a lot of fund on a party, I am asking all of you to find love in your hearts to help us with cleaning up our hour before and after the party. Also please bring your own dish to the party, we will all enjoy the variety of food from your country. We do have strict food guidlines to make sure my angels don't get bad experience, so please no sea food, no junk food, we all want something that stem from loving hearts. Xxxxx really love egg, xxxx is good with steak, and xxxxxx will just have my Godly mother milk for now. And before you say anything, I do know someone is already up for host but I do think it is very selfish of you to make it so hard for a single mom like me to attend. You don't know how hard it is to be a single mom at all. Before I last went into labor I asked Laurie to have a short praying time where you would pray to God for Sunny's health, and I knew some did not do that. I did not ask for much, just ten short minutes but some of you refused. I am so disappointed by the lack of hospitality we single mom should receive. You know my children will grow up and take care of yall in the future, they will work and their tax money comes back to take care of you in the future. The younger generation are lacking of the moral compass to have children, and that responsibility fell on us Mom. May God shine his love! Thank you Xxx &nbsp; --- **DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED** **SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED** &nbsp; [Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17zkbge/update_aitah_for_refusing_to_baby_proof_the_house/?share_id=JdMdkkeNwgVAj6OMDZZoY&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 20, 2023** This will be the last update because I quit today. My co-worker came to work at noon because one of her children was sick, she also had the youngest with her. She started by changing diaper right on her desk, the stench left us nauseous. Someone told her we had a bathroom, with baby changing stand, she ignored the person and proceed with parading the child across the office while leaving dirty diaper on her desk. I decided to tell her about it, in case she did not notice. She told me (again) a baby hater like me would not understand the joy of having babies, and should not be fussy because it would be the closet for me to be near baby. I told her about the diaper again, and stated it was really hot, and the air-conditioner was on full blast, the smell spread though the office, it was just unbearable. We decided to move to the canteen outside, we can work remote as long as there is internet connection. When we came back about 2 hours later after receiving an email from our boss to go back to the office , she already cleaned up the mess, but of course her eyes were filled with tears, my boss were standing next to her, patting her on the back. Boss started telling us she filed a formal complain, she felt discriminated and humiliated because everyone treated her like a disease or something. Noone said a word, but me. I informed the boss about the incident that forced us to move out of office. Boss was taken aback a bit but still said we must understand the situation because (again) she is a single mom, and it is hard for her, and instead of complaining we should just ......help her with cleaning up. Everyone just looked at each other in confusion. I asked why should WE have to clean up after my colleague, boss said this was a small company, and people should treat each other like family. I lost my word. She cried again in the background with the baby yelling in the carriage. Some said sorry to her, I did not. I just tried to get back to work. It quieted down for like 1 hour, then I received email about boss would like to talk to me. When I walked in, she was already there. She then told me she would like to talk about the HOSTILE WORKING ENVIRONMENT that I created since few week ago, because of the Xmas party I was about to host discriminated against her and her children. I said everything was fine until she came back to work, and she seemed to have a party where everyone had to follow her children to make sure they were ok. Boss did not say a word. She asked me how could I talked about her angels with such hateful tone, and finally, told me she uninviting me from the party at her house and all, she also said she would file a restraining order to keep me away from her children. I laughed so hard, telling her it was not the first time I told her to NOT bring children to office. Boss proceeding with asking us to calm down, and said noone approved the idea of going to her place, and my house was still the destination of the party. According to the email that I was not included, noone wanted her to hold the party. They acknowledged it is only a few weeks to the holiday and venues were simply not up for grab. Boss house is far away like 1 hour drive, and her mom has dementia, so her house is not a good fit. The mom lost it, she decided it was a good time to tell me to go to hell, and told me someday she hoped the cats would eat my flesh because I would die in the house and noone knew. I told her that was not very Xtian of her to wish death upon others. It was my bad since she unloaded a tirade of preaching words. I stood there, trying to hold my laugh. But then the boss interfered. Boss said we will reconsider the location to hold the party. She walked out of the room, picked up her kid, and left. This was where it got to the "I quit" part. Boss told me she (the co-worker) was having a hard time because her children were having problems, the first one could not sit still, the 2nd one was diagnosed with autism, and bringing her to church did not solve problem, and now the father of the 3rd one was proven to be not the father, also, each of them has a different father. I was hilarious listening to my boss. I asked what was those info got to do with me holding the party? Boss told me the co-worker deserved more respect being mom of special need children and that she did not want to let the colleague go despite the fact she was there for 1/2 day everyday from when she came back. Boss was scared that financial burden would add more to coworker stressful life, and asked me again if I could rethink my decision to include her in the party. And there it was, I stood up, offered to shake her hand one last time, and said I quit, I did not wait, stepped outside, took my laptop and handed it to the IT guy, collected all my cat pics and walked out. That was the best feeling, I knew full well that I would struggle until I find new job, but I could not stand this bs anymore. I wish my coworker the best working with this lady, and no party would be held at my house, now I am sipping wine and typing this long post. Cheer and happy whatever holiday it is to you all! &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH for refusing to baby proof the house and lock my cats outside during Xmas party?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zgtpn/aitah_for_refusing_to_baby_proof_the_house_and/

17zgtro

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Lonely_girl1996 **TIFU by getting too drunk at the office party after I got promoted to acting manager** **Originally posted to** r/tifu **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Alcoholism, accusations of drug use!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/zi8ea3SLmc)  **Nov 11, 2023** F 27 years old! Yesterday I got promoted to acting manager since our boss will be leaving for a year to travel. It seemed like my colleagues, soon to be employees, had a good feeling about this. I am (maybe was) very respected in the company and very hard working, which are two of the reasons why I got promoted. The same day we had a office party with about 100 people where I got pretty drunk. I have blackouts about half of the evening and at the end of the night I fell asleep in the bar. Where some people got really worried and called for ambulance. Imagine me waking up after half an hour and realising the ambulance is there to take me away IN FRONT OF some people from the office. Today my boss said she needed to speak with me. It has come to her knowledge (she was not at the party) that I had been making out with one of the managers at other departments in front of everyone. She told me this is not very professional and will make my reputation bad and also take from the respect that others have for me. I told her I’m really ashamed and that I was really drunk sadly. She hasn’t found out how drunk I was, which is good but it made me really worried that those people who saw me will tell. There are some of my colleagues that are jealous and I’m sure want to fk this up for me as I am also helping them with my bad and unprofessional behaviour. I don’t know what to do and how to deal with this problem. I’m worried with this duck up they will make the promotion go away. And also I can’t imagine what the others will be talking about behind my back or to my boss. F 27 y/o TL;DR : the same day I got promoted to be new acting manager I got drunk at the office party, fell asleep at a table to be woken by ambulance per medics in FRONT of my colleagues. Found out I also made out with another manager in front of everyone and been kicking stuff. My boss isn’t impressed and is second guessing her decision to leave me in charge. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **[deleted]** >Look OP, if you are serious that you think this was not how you are supposed to behave, just quit drinking, at least for half a year or some such. >This will show to your peers and boss you can easily do without drinking, and also it’s healthy not to drink. >Own up to the mistake and learn from it. **OOP replied** >>I completely agree. I will be sober from now and at least a year forward. This and the consequences coming from this is my reality check. I feel the most ashamed for letting my boss down but I have about two months left to prove her otherwise and I will do my best. As everyone been saying the damage is done and I can only do better from now on. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/JjjIPDLCTX)  **Nov 13, 2023** Today my boss asked me in a room to talk about the work party. She asked me if there is anything else I haven't told her.   I took your guys comments in consideration and told her about the ambulance and that some people were at the bar and saw that. She told me that someone had contacted HR and told them I'd been using cocaine?!!?!! I told my boss that I can admit that I celebrated the promotion too hard, fell asleep at the bar (which was not our office, and followed the permedics out. That they checked my pulse and told me I had low bloodsugar and sent me away with some candy (which was the case). I also told her I have never done drugs in work settings and it's nothing I do in private neither (which I don't anymore). I admitted that I was drunk and let her and also myself down. That I have been struggling with alcohol and that I have realised I need serious help and will be getting the matters in hand to find help.   She told me that my reputation was damaged but that she trusted that I've told her the whole truth. She wanted to check with HR and her boss and will get back to me. But in case the promotion is still on the table I need to promise her that I won't be drinking in the work setting anymore. Done!   She just got back to me through E-mail and told me that they have decided to let me have the promotion and give me a chance, but that I need to promise her nothing like this will ever happen again. I told her that I will never let her down. Just to add, I think that it's one of my "closest" colleagues that has contacted the HR department. Since she's the one that told this back story about the permedics being there and said "people have been talking about in case you'd taken something". I asked her if she'd told them that I had not since she knows I don't do that kinda stuff and that I also have been like this before when I was drunk. To which she answered "I didn't talk much about you after the speculations." It makes me somehow sad to think that of all the 10-20 people who saw that someone in the close circle would to that. I undrestand, but I don't think this was done for the kindness in their hearts, since they would in that case contact me first to find out exacly what happened.   Long story short, lesson learned. I have now all the reasons to stay sober and show them haters that I got this chance because I deserved it. Though I am my own worst enemy and the only reason this situation happened, this is a proof that my boss truts in me even when I don't and I will never let her regret her decision and giving me this second chance. I have contacted an online therapy site to do regular online visits and deal with my shit. I have found a mentor online \[Someone in here contacted me and offered their help\] and I've also joined the subreddit for other alcoholics. I'll look for some in person AA-meetings as well but they're not a lot available in my city.     TL;DR : the same day I got promoted to be new acting manager I got drunk at the office party, fell asleep at a table to be woken by ambulance per medics in FRONT of my colleagues. Found out I also made out with another manager in front of everyone and been kicking stuff. My boss isn’t impressed and is second guessing her decision to leave me in charge. This is the update. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **SquidsInABlanket** >I’m too much of a square to really know what it’s like to use cocaine, but wouldn’t you be, I don’t know, *all coked up and speedy*, as opposed to passed out at the bar? **OOP replied** >>I know right? That’s what I said. I would be feeling much better if I’d been doing cocaine I’d say. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

TIFU by getting too drunk at the office party after I got promoted to acting manager

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zgtro/tifu_by_getting_too_drunk_at_the_office_party/

17zgunb

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/PressureEmergency250 **AITAH for not wanting my husband's mom at our wedding?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!verbal abuse, emotional abuse, consensual DNA test, accusations of infidelity, marital interference, mentions brain tumor!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/n7FEYSDMpv)  **Sept 24, 2023** For context: My husband and I got married in a court house 2 years ago.I told my husband to tell his family but he didn't want to since his family wasn't my biggest fan. His family can be extremely judgemental and have said they "didn't like me or my character" because I grew up in a place completely opposite of where they're from. Every time I had met with his family some type of drama would unfold. For example , his mom accused me of "touching" his brothers leg inappropriately at his grandfather's funeral. I slapped his knee because he told me a joke I thought was funny. I chalked it up to the fact she just lost her dad , she didn't like me , so she needed someone to take some type of anger out on . I put up with alot more than that for my husband since i never wanted to be the type of person to ask him to chose. 5  months ago I had our second child. When I had found out I was pregnant my husband and I were going through a rough patch, we almost divorced because of a lot of things his mother being one of them.We decided to really work on our marriage and we've been amazing ever since. The best we've ever been. During my pregnancy his mother and I got really close. I'd like to say im a really forgiving person and try to see the best in everyone , also it was making my husband happy. She even came down to stay with us when I had the baby. Fast forward a month later she called my husband and said her and his dad would love to come and visit since his dad had yet to meet the baby. I thought the visit went well but while my husband had went outside to get my toddlers carseat from their rental car my FIL told my husband he needs to swab his mouth to make sure the baby was his. My husband of course got angry and asked my FIL if that was the reason they came to visit. My MIL ran outside because she heard them fighting and told my husband it was nothing like that , that everyone in the family was swabbing their mouths because they were doing a 23andMe. She said that my SIL and BIL had done it so they wanted him to do it to. He declined doing one and we left it at that. A month after the visit, my MIL called my husband and said she needed to speak with him privately. He went outside for an hour to speak with his mother and he came back inside visibly upset. He pulled me to my room privately and informed me that my MIL and FIL had swabbed both my newborns mouth and my toddlers mouth when they had visited. They said that my toddler came back 99.99% related to them but my new born only came back 11% related to them . So they felt the need to tell my husband so he could get my newborn DNA tested. I was confused and angry. I had also just found out my brother had a brain tumor as well so there had already been alot going on for me emotionally. When my husband and I separated I had not slept with anyone else since our relationship was so rocky. I didn't want to do anything more to jeopardize losing him so I wasn't understanding why she felt the need to take a DNA test into her own hands especially since it wasn't a concern of my husbands. Ever since my husband was told of the DNA test him and his mother would not stop fighting for a number of reasons. I no longer trusted her with my children and I no longer wanted her around and she couldn't understand that. We decided to get a DNA test on our newborn so we can shove the results in her face and we could move on with our lives. Of course the test came back 99.999999999% my husbands and she thought we could just pretend it didn't happen but the damage was done . That brings us to today. We set boundaries with MIL and FIL. They can no longer video chat the children everyday like before, our daughter is not allowed to go over MILs alone, and we no longer update them about things going on in our lives. We've kept them at a distance and it's working for us. Recently my husband and I started marriage classes so we could redo our wedding with our families included. My family knows the whole situation with MIL and I'm also not her biggest fan so I told my husband I do not feel comfortable inviting them to our wedding. My husband was obviously upset but understood. We have sent out our save the dates to everyone in his family but MIL and FIL. There has been nothing but drama since . I'm putting my foot down on the situation and still strong on the decision that I do not want them to come but my husband is stressed because they're involving everyone in his family in our drama. Should I just give in for his sake and invite them ? Should I stand my ground and still say no? AITA if I don't invite them? EDIT: I just want to clarify a few things. My husband told his mom we got married an hour after we said I do. He was hesitant to tell his MIL because 1.she wasn't my biggest fan and 2. She wants all her children to get married in a church. So the first words out of her mouth were  "you guys aren't actually married" and it is now "that is not your wife" whenever they're arguing because she's drunk. Also , my husband is the one who wants this wedding . I was reluctant and I personally thought a party was enough but he does want us to get married married in a church so after I thought about it and I figured things out with myself religiously, I agreed. And to answer the question most asked. She has not apologized . She has called me to "talk" out the situation and I explained to her I understood her doubt. I also explained to her that it made no sense to me why she couldn't just ask me for the test since her and i were in such a good spot. I would have done in willingly. Her "apology" went along the lines of "I'm not going to apologize because I believe what I did was right to protect mine" and when I informed her we were taking some space her response was "I don't understand because I've disrespected you so much in the past why is now different?" So for those saying they're all for second chances . I've given her a million. I've spoke with my husband about the situation and he said that he is fine with either . He is fine with them not being there and he is fine with them being there under certain conditions. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Eastern_Bend7294** >OP you'll have to tell me if I'm wrong here (most likely, because this was a lot to take in), but has yiur husband stood up for you on a regular basis? Like even before they came with the DNA percentages? Or did he also let things they say slide? **OOP replied** >>He didn't in the beginning - thats why we almost divorced. >>But once we decided to work on our relationship he has and it feels like it's just been this constant battle for a year and a half. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/8hyKnsEAiI)  **Nov 13, 2023** Hello all, It has been a month since my initial post and I thought I'd update some on the situation. Firstly, I would like to thank all that have provided me with beneficial advice alot of which did not fall on deaf ears so thank you guys. So after careful consideration I've decided that if my MIL would like to attend the wedding and if my Husband would like to invite her than so be it . I would not like to be the bad guy nor would I like my husband to resent me in the future for not allowing his mother too attend.  Alot of people said it is just not the hill to die on and I agree. My MIL did come to visit this past weekend . I decided to stay home since I would like to protect my mental health and I felt nothing good would come from me meeting with her . My husband however, had multiple conversations with her in regards to the issue . She stated that my decision to limit her visitation and communication with the kids was out of spite . And that she did "apologize" so it was up to me to accept it. (In other words take it or leave it) . Here comes the good part . She has decided that when her lease is up in March she will be moving closer to us (same city) so she could "help us out whenever we need it". My husband informed her it was not a good idea and that a conversation between her and I would need to happen beforehand. I informed him I have no interest in speaking with her because she is set on the idea that she did nothing wrong . I did not want her to come down here . And now I feel like I'm distancing myself from my husband because I am trying to avoid the inevitable which would be him taking her side like he did in the past . Granted alot of changes have happened but I think the whole situation brings up past emotions for me . To think of her closer to us makes me want to vomit . My husband said something when returning from his meeting with her that was along the lines of "she said she apologized did she?" When I had told him no prior . He did the same exact thing when his mom called me a slut infront of his whole family same verbiage. "She said she didn't say that did she?" So that's why it is bring up all of these past emotions and that is why I am saying it is inevitable . I really don't know what to do . I love my husband but at the same time I value my own mental health so I do not have the energy to fight this fight again . **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITAH for not wanting my husband's mom at our wedding?

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zgunb/aitah_for_not_wanting_my_husbands_mom_at_our/

17zguw4

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/stopbanningme1600 **Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole and r/relationship_advice **AITA for not letting my gf call me a certain nickname?** --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17tgb63/aita_for_not_letting_my_gf_call_me_a_certain/?share_id=rBwoYigMcpnJBDq-7OLUH&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 12, 2023** So long story short I've been with my gf for awhile now and she has this cute nickname for me which is kinda cringe but I see it makes her really happy when I let her call me it so l've always been okay with it. The problem is that I asked her out of curiosity how she even came up with this nickname and she told me she originally made it for her ex after he won her a prize at a fun fair. This has really pissed me off because she's using a name she made for her ex, after they specifically shared a moment together, for me. The part that annoys me the most is that every time she uses that name her ex will 100% come up in her mind as the nickname is specific to a certain event shared between the two of them. I've spoken to her and raised my concerns about this and in fairness to her she has been understanding, she got annoyed with me at first but has since stopped using that nickname. The part that makes me feel slightly guilty is that since she's stopped using the nickname, she clearly hasn't had that same smile she once had. To be honest I think she wants to use that nickname so much so that in her head she can try replace me with her ex but I am an over thinker so maybe I'm completely wrong here. AITA? **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **Pinooooooooo:** I know you spoken about it, otherwise you wouldn't know where the name came from. I meant talk about her losing that smile like you said. I can see her being sad about not being able to call you a certain name anymore, but seeing the history, she should realise why. Not like you don't have a valid reason for disliking being called that name. I'd ask her why she insisted on calling you that knowing the history of where the name came from. I'm usually one to overthink everything and always assume the worst. But I dunno, I think there's more to it here somehow. I hope you guys can work it out >**OP:** Overthinking is genuinely the worst and I do feel guilty about this. In my mind I’ve thought that maybe she was cheating or something but if I’m being fully rational I think that’s a slim chance. I have been cheated on in the past so I’m not arrogant in thinking that could never happen to me but she doesn’t show any signs and she’s always spamming me throughout the day of whatever she’s doing and she’s over at mine a lot so I do doubt there’s something fishy going on. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/17u650c/i_19m_didnt_let_my_gf_19f_call_me_a_certain/) - **November 13, 2023** Now let’s get into the update: So first of all I’d like to just say thanks to everybody who gave me their advice. It was genuinely helpful and so I’m truly thankful. Now onto the update. So my gf came over tonight as expected and she actually bought me Call of Duty MW3 which I wasn’t expecting at all but massive W anyways. Well I ordered us some food and we sat down and just done what normal couples do for like the first hour because to be honest, me being the idiot I am actually forgot I had something serious to speak to her about. There was a point where I can tell she wanted to use that nickname for me during our conversation and then I saw her stop herself and she looked kind of upset and it was this moment I realised I was meant to bring up this issue. To save you guys from all the boring details I basically started off by telling her I needed to speak to her about something and she just sat and listened to me. I started off by telling her I do love her very much (as per the advice given to me here) and that I want her to tell me exactly how she feels about this nickname situation because I can clearly see it’s been bothering her and the last thing I want is for her to feel down. She basically told me that I shouldn’t be surprised that she was bothered by the situation because I know that pet names are her love language and because I told her that she shouldn’t use nicknames with me anymore I was basically stopping her from showing me affection in the way she loves. She said she didn’t mind not using the nickname that I had an issue with but she felt I didn’t have to stop her from using any type of nickname with me. I was completely lost at this point because I never told her that she couldn’t use nicknames I just said don’t use that specific one she made for her ex and then we both realised this was one big misunderstanding. She was under the assumption that I had told her to stop the whole nickname thing entirely which wasn’t the case. Honestly the way her face lit up when she realised that she could still use pet names with me made me so bloody happy. After we cleared up that matter I decided to ask her why she kept using that nickname with me despite her making it for her ex. She told me that she never really saw it like that when she was using the nickname. She said that the nickname was just something she found really cute and it captured a moment where her man made her feel incredibly happy. She also said that because she wasn’t with her ex for that long (about 3 months they dated) she didn’t feel that it really belonged to him because that nickname was only made about a month before they broke up. She also told me that she uses this nickname with me far more often than she did with her ex because I always make her laugh and smile which is what this nickname embodies for her. She then reassured me that she absolutely wholeheartedly loves me and when I told her about me overthinking this as her trying to replace me with her ex she let out a small giggle saying how incredibly silly I was for thinking that (now that I look back at it I was an idiot for thinking that 🤣🤣). She told me that not once did her ex pop up in her mind when using the nickname, she just genuinely felt it belonged to me and that I am the only person worthy to be called that in her eyes. Anyways we both let out a massive sigh of relief and I finished this conversation by telling her that after hearing all this, I wasn’t just okay with it if she wanted to still use that nickname but I would be honoured and she told me that she wants to give me a new nickname, one that’s fresh just for me because at the end of the day I make her 100x happier on my worst day than her ex could make her on his best day and so the nickname she was using wasn’t strong enough to show just how happy I made her. Moral of the story: speak to your partner asap if you ever have an issue because one simple conversation could solve it all. Also one thing I’ve learned from this is that my gf really takes this nickname thing seriously like I always thought it was just a cute thing for her but she really does put a lot of emotions behind the names. P.S what gift do I get her now because I wasn’t expecting her to get me MW3 and now I have to get her something because there’s no way I’m letting myself take her gift and not surprise her with something in return. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for not letting my gf call me a certain nickname?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zguw4/aita_for_not_letting_my_gf_call_me_a_certain/

17zgvl7

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/nosleepsis **AITA for snapping at my sister and saying she’s the one with the failing marriage, not me?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!infidelity, emotional manipulation and abuse, verbal abuse, misandry, mention of misogyny, mentions of controlling behavior!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/c7WzLJmulI)  **Nov 11, 2023** My husband (28M) and I (27F) have been married for two years. We have an unusual sleeping arrangement. I’m a very light sleeper and I’ve struggled with insomnia most of my life. It takes me a long time to fall asleep. Sometimes even the slightest noise wakes me up and I have to start all over again. My husband on the other hand becomes some sort of taekwondo prodigy in his sleep with how much he kicks. He’s been like this since he was a kid and any attempts to stop it have been a failure. He sleeps like a rock do he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. He also talks in his sleep occasionally. I have a job that I need to get up super early for so my sleep is important to me. When we first moved in together we slept in the same bed, but of course that didn’t work out. I was left exhausted. He just felt super guilty, even when he wasn’t consciously doing it. Eventually we decided to have our sleeping areas in separate rooms. We aren’t angry with each other at all. We understand that some people just have different sleeping habits. This has not affected our sex life at all. We still lay together in one of the beds to watch movies or something all the time. Sometimes we even fall asleep in the same bed, which I feel fine with as long as I don’t have work in the morning. It’s a little unorthodox but it’s what works for us. My older sister Layla (32F) and her husband are going through a rough patch in their marriage. I think her husband’s a huge AH. He cheated on her and made some bullshit excuse that he did it just because she was ignoring him and refused to ‘fulfill his needs’. She’s so busy because they have 3 kids that he doesn’t help her with at all. I was shocked when she told me she was staying with him even after the affair was exposed. I tried to talk her out of it but she told me to mind my own business, so I did. They’re in marriage counseling now. From what Layla has relayed to me, it’s not going well. She’s been trying to change in order to fix their relationship. He doesn’t even try to become a better husband. He just shoots some half-asses apology and justifies his actions. I hate him but I guess it’s her choice as a grown woman to stay. She’s of course devastated, but also reacting weirdly to the whole thing. She’s convinced herself it’s all her fault. If she had just payed more attention to him then none of this wouldn’t have happened. I’ve tried to tell her that isn’t true but she doesn’t listen. The other day she came to our apartment to chat and so I could see my nieces. My husband was at work. She’s actually never been to my apartment before. Her and her husband have a large fancy house so I usually just go to them. With how tense things are now she said she’d prefer to come to my apartment. One of my nieces opened what she thought was the bathroom door. It was actually the door to my husbands separate bedroom. Layla saw inside that it  was lived in so she asked if we had gotten a roommate. I said no and just gave her a quick rundown on the situation. She seemed a bit weirded out but didn’t say anything until my nieces were all in the living room watching a movie. She began to ask all these weird questions about our sex life, love for one another, etc. I said we were doing just fine and some of the personal questions she asked were none of her business. She got a bit snappy then and said that she’s just trying to help me. If I left my husband out of my bedroom and didn’t attend to his ‘needs’ he may just run off with some other woman. She told me to be careful and that it would be better to just sleep in one bed despite any sleep issues. She even said “you have to keep an eye on him constantly so he won’t feel the need to leave you for someone more attentive”. I got frustrated. It wasn’t even about the bedrooms anymore. She was just projecting her situation onto me. I was also upset she would suggest my husband would cheat on me for not being ‘attentive’ enough. I snapped and sharply said that her husband is the cheating bastard, not mine. Just because her marriage is failing doesn’t mean she gets to critique and coach mine. That made her super angry and she immediately stood up and stormed to the living room to get her daughters and go home. She won’t answer my calls. She just sent me one text that said she was just trying to help, and to not be surprised when my husband cheats. My husband was offended as well, but said he understood she’s going through a very tough time now. He suggested I was just a bit to harsh and should’ve just let her get her paranoia rant out of her system and move on. Her mental state isn’t all that good and she’s probably just not thinking clearly. My mom agrees with him. She said Layla was being weird and insensitive, but I shouldn’t  have said something so personal. That yelling at her will only push her further away from us and towards her AH husband. I actually feel kind of bad now. She’s obviously not thinking clearly and I should’ve just moved on. AITA? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/fMwEEEOdVY)  **Nov 13, 2023** Thank you all so much for your advice on my original post. Something very intense happened with my sister last night. I was getting anxious and was planning to just go to her house to apologize and try to move on from this. But before I could go, my mom called and asked me to come over. I was shocked to arrive and see my sister sobbing with her suitcase and daughters. She was very distraught and still crying so we had a bit of a hard time understanding her. Eventually we figured out what happened. Apparently earlier that day when she was home her husband said something so repulsive she just left. Before that, she was serving him a drink and walked away to clean the kitchen and do some laundry. Her oldest daughter walked in and plopped onto the couch beside her father to watch a movie. He laughed and made some jackass joke about how she should enjoy lazing around now because when she gets a husband all that’s gonna end. My niece asked why. He pointed to my sister and said “Look at your mom for example. Great right now but we almost divorced when she neglected her ‘wifely duties” you should just be like her now all the time and skip the drama. That broke my sister. She packed up and left within the hour. He didn’t chase and just said she’ll be home soon. She’s still frazzled and doesn’t talk much but I’m happy she’s away from her jackass husband. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **SIN-apps1** >I'm sure this has been said elsewhere, but your sister was pretty clearly projecting her own issues, most likely ones she was unwilling or unable to give voice to when this shitbag was trying to keep his servant into your situation. Your sister has also pretty clearly been the victim of long term mental abuse but her soon to be ex. I know what she said was shitty, but she needs family now, especially her sister. Think of it this way if it helps, her words came out of trauma, not malice.. **OOP replied** >>Totally, once she calmed down a bit she began to apologize but I just told her to forget it and that I understand. I said I was sorry for yelling things are good between us now. **ADDITIONAL INFO/COMMENTS FROM OOP** [Comment 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/rm38uWv98t) Sorry if I described that weird, I meant it more as he’s a deadbeat as a father and husband. He’s a trust fund baby and has a good job so yeah he’s the one that pays most the bills. My sis had a job for a bit after they got married but after their second daughter was born he told her to quit. All three of the girls are at my mom’s house now.  I know he does provide money but he does nothing but hold it over her head. We haven’t worked out the details but she’ll probably stay with my mom now and we’ll help her with the girls and divorce process. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for snapping at my sister and saying she’s the one with the failing marriage, not me?

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zgvl7/aita_for_snapping_at_my_sister_and_saying_shes/

17zubre

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Any-Comment9509](https://www.reddit.com/user/Any-Comment9509/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and her own page. **Mood Spoiler:** >!happy ending!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17pjys5/aita_for_backing_out_of_making_my_sisterinlaws/)**: November 6, 2023** I 24f am a seamstress/dress designer who works for private clients on commission. Two years ago my sister got married and as my gift to her I designed and made her wedding dress free of charge and all her bridesmaid dresses at cost of raw materials. My brothers then girlfriend (now fiancée) was part of the wedding party and knew I was doing this. Before I even started designing, she asked me if for her and my brother's wedding would I make her dress? I casually agreed. When actually making the gowns my sister and her other 5 bridesmaids were so nice and pleasant to work with, but my brother's girlfriend was a nightmare. She kept asking me to make changes after we finalized the designs and I had already started making the dresses. She would cancel and just not show up to fittings, she complained constantly of how it looked tacky and unprofessional. And she even ripped the fabric on purpose when I told her I could not make any more changes, and I had to go on a wild goose chase to get more of the same fabric in the right color (the place I bought it from no longer carried it.) My brother proposed two weeks ago and the first thing my new sister-in-law did was come over to me and ask when we could meet to start designing. Now at this point in my career I have dealt with my fair share of bridezillas and control freaks, and I know how to handle them. So, I let her know a time she could come to my studio for a consultation. Last week was her appointment and she came in all excited, but when I brought out my pricings and options for her, she got really mad saying it wasn't fair to expect her to pay when we were family, and I had given other family theirs for free. I told her nicely that I charge for my work as would any other vendor she got for her wedding and that we can look at the most affordable package I have if she was concerned about cost. At this she totally lost it screaming at me that I'm a worthless bitch whose work isn't even good enough for her and that she was doing me a favor by letting me have this opportunity. I tried to calm her down so we could talk but she just got worse, knocking over one of my display cases and shattering glass, beads, and expensive jewelry all over the floor. At that point I was done and yelled at her to get out of my studio before I called the cops. Later that day my brother called me and yelled at me for being so disgusting and unwelcoming to his Fiancée, I explained to him that I am more than happy to make her gown, and her bridesmaids' gowns, at a fair price. But he got even more upset and said that I had done our sisters for free so I should do this one for free too. Now my parents and brother are mad at me, threatening to leave me out of the wedding if I don't make her a free dress but I still think I should be paid for my work. AITA? I am extremely close with my sister; we are twins and when I was starting out with my studio, she helped me out so much. I love her and wanted to give her a specialized one-of-a-kind gift, and since dressmaking is what I'm good at that is what I decided to give her. I didn't want to do my SIL's for free because it is a very expensive gift, from materials to labour it costs a lot. I do not feel like we are close enough for me to do this for her. It is thousands of dollars in materials, and potentially hundreds of hours of construction. Not to mention the time that could have been used on other potential commissions, my workers wages, and her potential to be a bridezilla and make my work life miserable ***Relevant Comment:*** *Why OOP made one for her sister and not brother:* "I am extremely close with my sister; we are twins and when I was starting out with my studio, she helped me out so much. I love her and wanted to give her a specialized one-of-a-kind gift, and since dressmaking is what I'm good at that is what I decided to give her. I didn't want to do my SIL's for free because it is a very expensive gift, from materials to labour it costs a lot. I do not feel like we are close enough for me to do this for her. It is thousands of dollars in materials, and potentially hundreds of hours of construction. Not to mention the time that could have been used on other potential commissions, my workers wages, and her potential to be a bridezilla and make my work life miserable" ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Any-Comment9509/comments/17ugtjg/aita_for_backing_out_of_making_my_sisterinlaws/)**: November 13, 2023 (1 week later)** UPDATE: First of all, thank you for all your comments (positive and negative) they really helped me see what I did wrong, how I could have handled it better, and what I should do going forward. So as many of you suggested, I sat down with my parents and brother and told them the story from my perspective, from how SIL behaved two years ago through what happened in my studio last week with the CCTV footage as proof. They were shocked because as many of you suggested SIL had been spinning lies to cover up her faults and had been completely fooling them. Right away my parents apologized for how they treated me, and my brother became very quiet, I told him that I would not be making her a dress anymore regardless of if she would be willing to pay but if he wanted, I could make him his suit for the wedding (on my own time since my studio specializes in women's wear.) My brother thanked me and left. The next day I got a call from SIL. She was furious, she wanted to know what sort of manipulation and lies I told my brother to make him put the wedding on hold. Apparently after our meeting he went home and told her that he was very disappointed and hurt she would treat me this way and he needed time to think about weather this step was the right one, so he put the wedding on hold. SIL was so mad she came to my apartment and banged on my door for a good half hour (I refused to open the door for her). She was screaming so loudly one of my neighbors ended up calling the cops for a noise disturbance, and she was escorted to the police station. I don’t know what happened after that to her. Yesterday my brother came over to my apartment and we had a long talk, it turns out as some of you were right and he did feel left out and hurt by my actions, since my sister is my twin, he has always felt like we both care a lot less about him than each other. We ended up calling my sister on the phone (she lives in a different country now) and all three of us had a long tearful talk. I made sure my brother knows that I love him immensely and nothing could ever change that. We hugged it out and now I believe our relationship is the strongest it's ever been. And I promised (on paper) that I will make his suit for his wedding (free of charge). After I promised he told us that he no longer wants to marry SIL and that he has already started looking for a new apartment. He said the decision was not easy but ultimately he wants to marry someone who can feel at home in the family, not someone who makes his family uncomfortable. So when he does find the right one I will be making him and not her the wedding attire. Thank you all for your help and advice. I will not post any other updates because I beleive this matter to be over now.

AITA for backing out of making my sister-in-laws wedding dress?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zubre/aita_for_backing_out_of_making_my_sisterinlaws/

17zubyl

**I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/Equivalent\_Ladder197](https://www.reddit.com/user/Equivalent_Ladder197/). He posted in [r/offmychest](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/) I added paragraphs for readability, and fixed the spelling of fiancée. You can find the previous BORU [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16kqwsq/my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9e_his_ex_and_im/) **New Updates start with \*\*\*\*\*** **Trigger Warning:** >!assault!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!well that escalated!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/16d2bps/my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9_his_ex_and_im/)**: September 8, 2023** My (28M) brother, Mark (26M), used to date my fiancée, Jenn (26F) a year ago. For context, they dated back in August 2022. They were only together for a month before he broke things off with her because he was bored of being in a relationship and never really wanted to settle down anyway. At the time they were dating I was in a different state so I had no idea he even had a girlfriend and I had no idea who Jenn was until I met her. Jenn and I met at a bar when I moved back in October and hit it off really well. She was easily the most beautiful and intelligent woman I ever met and we met up a few times more before we made it official. Fast forward to December and I finally bring her up to my family and propose them meeting her at Christmas. They knew I was in a relationship but I’m not the most open about my personal life so I kept details about her to a minimum until I knew how serious we really were. My parents asked to see pictures and they started passing my phone around the dinner table. Mark saw it and blew up calling me a shit brother for dating his ex girlfriend and he demanded I break it off with her. I refused. When I asked Jenn about it, she confirmed they dated and gave me the details about their breakup. It took a few weeks but eventually Mark stopped bringing up me dating his ex and I thought he was over it. On Jenn’s birthday this year, I took her out to a fancy dinner with both of our families and her closest friends and I asked her to marry me. Mark flipped once again and blew up about me proposing to her, which I and my sisters immediately shut down. The incident happened this past weekend. Mark had been pretty quiet about the whole thing for the last two months. I didn’t see him much and figured he went Low contact with me which I had no problem with, then he invited me and Jenn for family dinner at his apartment with my parents and sisters. I thought it was weird but my parents and sisters were also going so we agreed to go. The dinner was nice, nothing too fancy, and we moved to the living room to talk. About 30 minutes into normal conversation Mark stood up and told us he had an announcement. He made a long speech about being happy to have his family around for his big moment then got on one knee and pulled out this cheap ring while asking Jenn to marry him. Jenn was confused and obviously uncomfortable and demanded that he put it away and stand up. My dad tried to make a grab for Mark but I got to him first and punched him. I won’t repeat most of it, mostly because I was too angry to even listen most of it, but he said something along the lines of wanting to show me that Jenn wasn’t really into me and just wanted to get back at him. Before it could get worse my parents rushed me out and promised to talk to him. It’s been a few days since it happened and I’m still pissed off. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m scared Jenn might have second thoughts marrying me because of this. Any advice? **EDIT: (Same Post, later that day)** First, thanks for reading and responding. I’ve been reading the comments between last night and this morning and valid points were made. There isn’t an update since the only people I’ve spoken to since that dinner is jenn and my little sister. I want to clarify a few things that i saw in the comments 1. Jenn and I are newly engaged. It was one of those feelings where we both knew we were in it for the long run. As fast as it is, i’m sure about her. 2. When we met, I was the one who approached her, not the other way around. Whether she knew or had suspicions of us being related I don’t know. I asked after finding out they dated and she says she had no idea. I didn’t have a reason to doubt that, but I can admit this (seemingly) overreaction on Marks part does raise red flags 3. I had no idea she and Mark dated when I met her. Mark and I aren’t close at all. We used to be but as we grew up we drifted and talked less and less. Before I moved back, we didn’t really speak much aside from special days like his or my birthday. Jenn knew of my family but not much until I decided I was ready to introduce them to her. When she and Mark met (again) I didn’t get a sense of any residual feelings on either part. She didn’t treat him like a stranger but she also wasn’t overly affectionate with him either 4. I was told this was a relationship that lasted a month. I didn’t think I needed permission from Mark to ask her to marry me, but maybe that was wrong of me. I’m not sure That being said, I plan to talk to Mark this weekend to lay everything out on the table and figure out what’s up. I never asked for his side of their relationship, which is my fault for not doing my due diligence. If anything major or enlightening happens, I’ll update. But for now that’s all I have. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Don't give in to the "but he's faaaaamily" comments:* "Thankfully I haven’t heard the “he’s family” shit much aside from my mom and a few aunts. they know me well enough to know our relationship isn’t enough for me to put up with his disrespect especially towards my fiancée. They’d be wasting their breath" *On fiancée:* "Yeah I don’t think I have to worry about her going back. Safe to say she can’t stand him either lol" **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/16fjl48/update_my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9_his_ex/)**: September 10, 2023 (2 days later)** First I want to thank everyone for reading. It’s been a busy weekend so I haven’t had the chance to reply to many people, but I did edit in responses to the most common questions I saw in the comments of the original post. Again, thank you. I appreciate it all, even the criticisms. Now for the update: I called Mark and asked him to meet up with me at my place to talk. I told him I would prefer Jenn to be around for the talk as well, but I was cool with it if he didn’t want her there. He agreed to talk to both of us and showed up at my place around noon today. It was pretty quiet for a few minutes before I started the conversation. I apologized for not warning him I would be proposing to Jenn, and I apologized for hitting him. He said it was “whatever” but he appreciated the apology. I told him what Jenn had said about the relationship and breakup when I asked her about it and I asked him to confirm if it was true. I pretty much said that his reaction throughout the is whole thing has been extreme and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t misunderstanding their relationship or downplaying how serious they were. He confirmed that they only dated for “a few weeks” and he broke up with her because he lost interest. Jenn asked if he was acting like this because he still had feelings or regrets about ending things with her. He said he could admit he thought she was more attractive than when he last saw her, but there weren’t any feelings or regrets. He said he just didn’t like seeing a girl he dated, even if it was short term, with his older brother and as a man I shouldn’t have violated him by pursuing things with his ex. I reminded him that I had no idea they dated so it wasn’t like I consciously did this knowing their history together. He shrugged me off and said it didn’t matter, I still should have broken it off. He was adamant that if the roles were reversed he would have done the same thing which I doubt. I asked him why he proposed to her if he didn’t have any lingering feelings. Basically, to sum it up, he was talking about it to one of his buddies who was around when Mark and Jenn dated and the guy put the idea in his head that maybe Jenn knew from the start that we were related and was doing this to get back at him considering Jenn had been hung up on him after they ended. He and his friend thought it would be a good idea to test it and see if they were right, so he came up with the idea to propose and see if she dumped me for him. Jenn asked him to elaborate on why he thought she was hung up on him and he told her that he heard she was asking about him following the breakup and still hanging out at the places they used to go to so it was a valid assumption. Then for her to pop up randomly with his brother affirmed his suspicions. Jenn told him she’d only asked about him once following the breakup and she’d been hanging out at those places with friends before they started dating and she wouldn’t avoid them because of a breakup. She also told him she was offended at the idea that she would go as low as to pursue me, just to get back at him. He shrugged and gave her a half assed apology but said she had to see it from his point of view. He asked her if she really didn’t know and she told him that she didn’t see the resemblance in us until we were in the same room and we act nothing alike so it never crossed her mind and he said okay. That pretty much wrapped up the conversation. He did tell me before he left that I could take back his invite to the wedding because he can’t bring himself to support our relationship knowing he used to date her. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that as he was most likely going to be uninvited anyway. It’s been a few hours since our talk and I do feel better. My parents aren’t too happy about him being uninvited but they understood that it was a mutual decision and probably for the best. My sisters told me they knew he didn’t have a good reason for being an asshole and they don’t blame me for not wanting him at the wedding. As of now, I’m going to limit contact with Mark and I doubt he’ll reach out to me any time soon either. Once again, I want to thank everyone for reading and commenting and if anything significant happens, I’ll update again. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Why didn't she know of your family?* "We hadn’t discussed my family much in the beginning of our relationship. I left home to get away from them (my parents specifically) and started reconciling at my sisters request when i decided to move back home. I was open about not being close with them when Jenn asked and she was okay with being left in the dark considering the circumstances." **\*\*\*\*\*Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Equivalent_Ladder197/comments/17t53hk/update23_my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9_his_ex/) **2 and 3: November 11, 2023 (2 months later)\*\*\*\*\*** **Editor's note:** *OOP posted both of these updates on the same post, but to clarify, 'update 3' would have happened about 2 weeks after 'update 2.' He just combined both updates into one post. If I had to guess, it probably was because one of his updates got removed or stuck in limbo on a subreddit.* I couldn’t post this to the same forum so I’m posting this directly to my profile in case anyone is interested in an update. It’s been a while since I’ve posted but a few things have happened since my last talk with Mark. So I’ve been low contact with Mark since our last conversation. I haven’t called him and he hasn’t called me, and our only interactions have been in family settings. As it stands, my mom is now upset that Mark is still uninvited from my wedding. It started with a comment made during my younger sister, Sophie (22F)’s birthday. Her boyfriend of (I think) 4 years proposed to her at the end of the night and we sat around talking about what she envisioned for her dream wedding. She talked a bit about wanting a destination wedding and her ideas for the cake and dress then she said something along the lines of “Teddy I know Mark’s banned from your wedding but you won’t care if he comes to mine right?” I laughed it off and told her I can’t get mad about her guest list even if I wanted to. My mom gave me this weird look and asked if Mark was still not invited to my wedding. I told her yes and she got irritated. She told me she thought I was joking and said I was being unreasonable to go through with banning him from the wedding since he’s family. She accused me of holding a grudge just to be petty. I reminded her that he and I agreed on him not coming. I then told her that this wasn’t the time to talk about my wedding since the day was about Sophie and if Mark or her want to talk about my wedding they can call me another time. Sophie laid into my mom a bit about trying to make her special day about Mark and my mom dropped the issue. For those of you who might be wondering, Mark wasn’t at Sophie’s party because he apparently had to work and couldn’t make it. A few days later, my mom stopped by my house and said she wanted to discuss my wedding. She asked me why I was so adamant about Mark not coming to my wedding. She said that I shouldn’t be so insecure about Mark and Jenn’s previous relationship and that uninviting him was a step too far. I told her that Mark and I mutually agreed on him not coming to the wedding and he can come to me about it himself if he has a problem with it. We got into an argument and she said that if I wasn’t going to reinvite Mark then she would not be coming either because I’m ostracizing her son. I shrugged and told her if that’s what she wants then she can toss her invite in the trash because I won’t beg her to be there. She asked me if I would really be okay with her not attending and I told her it wouldn’t be the first time she missed an event of mine because of Mark. She said I was being an AH for throwing her past mistakes in her face and she stormed out. I then started getting messages and phone calls from her and a few family members about the whole situation saying I was in the wrong and urging me to invite Mark just to keep the peace. Jenn’s also been getting messages from my mom asking her to talk to me and get me to change my mind but to my knowledge she hasn’t been responding. So far, most of my moms side of the family are standing in solidarity with her and not attending while my dad and his side of the family, which is only my aunt and uncle and their two kids, agree with me and are still coming. My sisters are also still coming to the wedding and of course jenn’s family too. Also, I talked to Mark about it and asked him if he had a problem with not having an invite. He said he uninvited himself in the first place and he doesn’t get why they’re making a big deal because he still doesn’t want to go. He told me to leave him out of the fighting because he’s not involved and he says he’d tell her the same. As of now, I’m back to being low contact with my mom but my dad and I are still on decent terms. I’m still deciding on whether I’ll reinvite my mom and her family (should they change their mind about the boycott) but the chances are low and I told my dad this too which he understands. For now, Jenn and I started looking into downsizing the venue since the guest list is significantly smaller. Update 3: My mom is uninvited from the wedding indefinitely. About two weeks after she decided to not come to the wedding, she came stopped by and said she wanted to clear the air and talk about everything. We agreed and invited her in to join us for dinner. Jenn made her a plate of food and I asked her if she was still planning on not coming to the wedding. She said that while she wants to, she can’t get over me not inviting Mark because of a simple mistake. I reminded her that his simple mistake was proposing to my fiancé with me sitting less than three feet away from him and she said it was just a joke. Jenn asked her why she wanted to talk if she was maintaining the same stance on Mark coming to the wedding. She said she wanted to talk to Jenn and she was hoping Jenn would hear her out and talk me into inviting Mark again. She apparently assumed I was at work and she’d be able to catch her alone. Jenn politely told her that she understood her thought process but she wouldn’t have had that conversation anyway without me present since this is about my brother. My mom made a comment somewhere in the lines of Jenn being spineless and unable to have a conversation without me “thinking for her” which started a pretty heated back and forth between the three of us before Jenn told her to get out. She got up and started walking towards the door and my mom followed her still screaming at her. By this point she’s yelling about her tearing our family apart. While Jenn was unlocking the front door my mom grabbed her hair and pulled her to the ground still screaming. She hit her and tried to claw her face and I dragged her off of her and threw her outside. She banged on the door for a few minutes while I made sure Jenn was okay before she left and called the both of us repeatedly. When I was sure Jenn was okay I texted my mom and told her not to bother reaching out again because we’ll never speak to her again. I called my dad and sisters and told them what happened too. My dad was surprised and tried to make excuses, saying she’d been stressed about this whole situation for a while. My sisters say they knew she’d snap eventually since she’s always been a “crazy bi-“ and they said they’d come make sure Jenn is okay. I asked Jenn if she wanted to press charges but she declined and said she only wanted to cut contact with her for good. I told that part was obvious but she should still talk to the police since she was physically assaulted but she doesn’t want my mom to get arrested. My sisters and Jenns mom came by to comfort her thankfully so she’s doing okay. My mom is blocked on everything until Jenn says otherwise. I genuinely don’t know what to do now. Jenn doesn’t want to go to the police because she’d feel guilty having her arrested over this, but my sisters and I want to convince her to, and I’d at least want documentation in case something happens in the future. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Press charges:* "I believe I can but my fear is 1) upsetting jenn for going against her wishes, even if for her own good, and 2) the police not taking it seriously because the one affected (jenn) isn’t even interested in pursuing anything. i’m likely going to just have it documented because unfortunately my mom is the type of person to get significantly worse before she gets slightly better." *All if this could have been avoided if Mark had sat down with your mom and taken responsibility:* "He absolutely could, but I don’t think he knows what accountability means. I really do believe he thinks he has nothing to do with our moms actions and I don’t think anything I say will be enough to convince him that everything she does is for him and her own selfish gain" *OOP comments on November 12 to someone saying they should really press charges:* "Jenn is still against formal charges but after reading some of your comments with me and a long talk about how this could escalate she agreed to have it documented with the police just in case. She wants to talk to my dad about possibly getting her back in therapy or some kind of treatment for her erratic behavior. And of course we are moving forward with going no contact" **Clarification** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Equivalent_Ladder197/comments/17uu2he/some_background_on_my_relationship_with_my_parents/)**: November 13, 2023** **Title:** Some background on my relationship with my parents Some people were asking questions about my mom and my decision not to be open with Jenn about my relationship with my parents. I figure I could give some background on why we’re so strained. Like some of you said, Mark was the golden child. Mark was my mom’s “baby boy” and she didn’t do much to try and hide it. They didn’t spend much time with my sisters and I like normal parents did with their kids unless they had to, but they’d spend time with Mark as often as possible like taking him out shopping while we stayed with a sitter, or bringing him home his favorite food and toys from the store when they’d shop alone. He usually got better things compared to the rest of us like new expensive clothes while ours were thrifted or new toys just for him compared to old toys we had to share with each other. If my sisters and I got gifts, they were for us to share, but my mom made it pretty clear that Mark’s things were only for him and we shouldn’t touch it. When Mark would screw up, I’d get punished for not being a good role model and showing him the proper way to behave. For example, Mark went through a phase of breaking his toys and I got the beating because obviously he learned that behavior from me. When he was 8, Mark got in trouble at school for trying to push a kid down the stairs. I was grounded for two weeks and told to apologize to the kid for not teaching my brother right. When I turned 13, I pushed for my parents to start giving me an allowance. They agreed as long as I did household chores like mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, raking leaves, etc. It was usually somewhere around $25 a week to help me start saving. Mark saw that I was getting money and he begged my parents for an allowance too. Instead of making him work, $10 of my allowance money was given to him each week because “we” were doing such a good job with our chores (that he never touched) Whenever I asked him to help, he’d tell me it’s not his job to do chores so why should he bother. It was around this time that I started really distancing myself from my brother. By the time I entered high school, we only talked to each other when we needed small favors or when we absolutely had to. I got my first job when I turned 17 because I wanted to finally get my own car and make money that they couldn’t force me to give to Mark. My oldest sister Maggie helped me start my own bank account and showed me how to properly budget and save my money. I got my first car at 18 after all of my hard work. When Mark got his license, my parents asked me to let him use my car to get around and for extra practice behind the wheel. Reluctantly I agreed and for a while the arrangement was fine. Mark used my car when I didn’t need it and helped maintain it pretty well. When he expressed wanting my parents to buy him his own car, my mom came to me and told me to give him my car because he needed it more. When I refused, she threatened to kick me out. We got in a fight that night which ended with her giving Mark my car and taking me to transfer ownership of it to him within the following few days. Since I didn’t have anywhere else I could go at the time, I just sucked it up and signed it over When I graduated high school, both of my parents skipped my graduation because Mark didn’t want to sit in a long ceremony just to see me get a piece of paper, and my mom didn’t want to leave him alone for the night. So I only had the support of my sisters and my Aunt and Uncle who wanted to take me out. They ended up having to bring me home at my parents request because they made me dinner to make it up to me. It was a dinner I couldn’t eat because my mom put shrimp and chicken on the same serving dish and I’m allergic to shellfish. IMy first year out of high school I worked two jobs to buy myself another car, and at the start of the new school year I moved away for college and cut contact with them. They (mostly my mom) tried to reach out for the first few months via social media and Sophie, but I never responded and I told Sophie she would be cut off too if she kept trying. When she couldn’t get to me through Sophie, she tried going through my older sister Charlotte, and a few times through Maggie and Mark until I threatened to file a restraining order for harassment. It was a bluff because I had no idea how to do it, but it managed to scare her off and the most I got from her was Happy Holiday texts over the years. Around the time I moved back, Charlotte told me they had been seeing a family therapist (at Charlotte’s request) and my parents wanted to apologize for their treatment of us. I was hesitant but I agreed as long as they would be genuine, and the reconciliation process started when I moved back home. That doesn’t even scratch the surface of everything they put me through, and it took a lot for me to even begin to let them back into my life. When I met Jenn, I wasn’t sure where my relationship with her was going or where my relationship with my parents was going. I didn’t want to mention my family at all mostly because I was ready to cut contact again if I needed to. Jenn was understanding of it being a sore subject and didn’t press for more. I hope this helps shed some light on some of the questions I’d been seeing pop up. ***Relevant Comment:*** *On why OOP didn't have reconciliation depend on them reimbursing him for the car:* "Eh getting reimbursement for the car wasn’t a hill I was willing to die on since the damage was already done. Even now it’s hard to believe Mark was the favorite. There wasn’t anything really special about him. I don’t mean that as an insult either, he was just a regular kid. My parents weren’t having fertility issues, he wasn’t a miracle, wasn’t a meal ticket, they weren’t having marital problems and using a baby as a bandaid. He was just born and they decided to love him more than us. and believe me they didn’t think this was normal, they just have a soft spot for our parents because they’re our parents and they believe they have redeeming qualities." **Editor's note (December) Newest BORU Updates** [here](https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18co1nk/another_new_update_to_my_brother_proposed_to_my/)

New Updates: My brother proposed to my fiancée (his ex) and I’m pissed

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zubyl/new_updates_my_brother_proposed_to_my_fiancée_his/

17zwc4i

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/CalligrapherGrand439 **in** r/AmItheAsshole trigger warnings: >!mental health issues/depression, emotional manipulation, parental alienation!< mood spoilers: >!sad, but positive!<   [**AITA for telling my kids that if they don’t go to my wedding I will not be attending theres**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17uca8k/aita_for_telling_my_kids_that_if_they_dont_go_to/) **- 13th November 2023** I’ll start at the beginning, my ex husband was a good father but a terrible husband. I divorced him when my oldest was 14 and youngest was 10. Well he ended up spiraling and the kids were exposed to that. I was blamed for ruining dad. He got better after a few years but ending up doing it again when he learned I was dating. So the kids kept trying to get me not to date since it will affect their dad. It was an awful time since to the kids I was still responsible for what he did and reacted to things. In the end I just kept my dating on the low end which wasn’t hard since it wasn’t introducing the kids to the men anyways. All I had to change was not posting on social media. Also yes I sent the kids to therapy. They all stopped when they hit 18 or my middle child refused to talk so I pulled him. The oldest is now 25 and youngest is 21 and I got proposed too. I sat them down and told them, they were not happy and were pissed I was doing this to dad. Lots of talked later and I thought it was good. The wedding is in two weeks I got a text from all the kids saying they will not be at my wedding, that they need to support dad during this time. I had enough and texted them that if they do not go to my wedding it will damage our relationship and I will not be attending there own weddings when they get married. They were pissed and it started an argument and all of them think I am huge jerk. I truly hate that I can’t do anything that makes me happy since it will affect my ex. Sorry for errors on phone and not native speaker.   **Comments** **themermaidag** **NTA.** *They are adults now and should realize that you are under no obligation to stay single to appease your ex. They are not the only people who have had parents divorce and yet it seems like they can’t get over it. And if after all this time your ex is still emotionally impacted by your personal life, then he needs to get on with his life and get help because it is not healthy. Also assuming that they want you to go to their weddings in the future are they expecting you to go solo and not bring your husband?* **Lazuli\_Rose** Of course because it would so hard on Dad to see her new husband! Sounds like Dad needs some therapy or something.* **solo\_throwaway254247** *Ex's parental alienation campaign against you seems to have been pretty effective.* *And he's made the kids believe that you are responsible for his happiness and well-being. Unfortunately, there's nothing more you can do now. Just give the kids time to wise up and see their father for who he is.* *Don't give them ultimatums. Just issue future invites and leave it at that. Live your life, be happy. And all the best.* ***NTA*** **litt3lli0n** *INFO: Why are your kids so against you dating? What was the cause of the divorce? What do you hope to gain from giving your kids an ultimatum?* &#x200B; >OOP: Because ever time I date, there dad spirals. He gets depressed and I am the horrible person for causing it. I hope they chose me and if they don’t I will know they will never let me be free of what their dads actions. > >I will know that they will never be happy for me since to them I am responsible for their dad. &#x200B; **CostFickle114** **NTA** *You provided them therapy and their dad provided them with HIS psychological burden since they were kids and manipulated them. I hope they wake up soon, but I don’t think an ultimatum like this was a solution, I understand the frustration it comes from, but it’s going to make things worse between you and them.* &#x200B; **losalbion** *(heavily downvoted)* *YTA, for the ultimatum. This is only creating a much deeper divide between you and your kids. Even if their decision is misguided, your response definitely is too. Did they say they were going when you talked about the wedding originally? Or were they still deciding?* *This also reads like your kids were way too involved in your divorce, & told too much adult info about why it didn’t work out. If you pit them against the other parent, it’s not surprising they grew up bitter towards you in that regard.* &#x200B; >**OOP:** Yes they were going to go, my daughter was actually going to play the piano for when I walk down. Now they are not &#x200B; >**OOP in response to a deleted comment:** I never speak about him due to this reason. I kept my month close, and when something bad happened to him my go to response was I am sorry to hear that for him. > >I made sure to keep my feeling about him close to my chest. > >I kinda want to send them every horrible thing he did in our marriage but all that would do would hurt the kids since they do love him &#x200B; **No-Personality5421** *Info- so you make it sound like you made it a point to never let your children know you were dating, then you sit them down and tell them you're engaged. Did they not know you were dating this one, and did they never meet them?* >OOP:Yes they knew, I offered to let him met him multiple time but they didn’t show any interest and I wasn’t going for force them to get lunch or something &#x200B; **Judgement : NTA** &#x200B; [**Update in the same post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17uca8k/aita_for_telling_my_kids_that_if_they_dont_go_to/) **- 13th November 2023** I realized I am okay letting them go, I can’t do it anymore. I sent a texts it is up to them if they go or not. If they do go I have hope to fix this relationship if not I’m just done. I can’t keep playing this game. It’s for everything, anytime I have something good his feelings have to come first. I can’t do that anymore it hurts to much. I could tell them everything he has done but I don’t feel like blowing up their image of him. &#x200B; [**Update2 in the same post**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17uca8k/aita_for_telling_my_kids_that_if_they_dont_go_to/) **- 13th November 2023** Someone private messaging me convinced me to lay it all out for them, so I did. Well I got my response, they called me a liar. Even with showing old screenshot that were in our divorce case I think it is over. Thanks for everyone that tried to help. I known this was a no win situation I did, fuck it, and sent every single thing, including this post. &#x200B; **Comments** &#x200B; >OOP on a deleted comment: > >I’m okay with that, I can’t do it anymore. It hurts to much. Better to watch from a distance then be close and all I do is feel pain **urukhaihaihai** *I mean, lots of people are telling you to swallow it, but there's a possibility that your ex makes things so difficult, that everyone leans on you as the "reasonable" one to give in. You're getting plenty of advice on preserving your relationship with your kids and only you know if it's applicable, but it does sound like you hit a wall.* &#x200B; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

AITA for telling my kids that if they don’t go to my wedding I will not be attending theres

CONCLUDED

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zwc4i/aita_for_telling_my_kids_that_if_they_dont_go_to/

17zwr7h

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Outside-Apartment528 **in** r/relationship_advice and on his user account trigger warnings: >!none!< mood spoilers: >!sad but positive overall!< Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BORU Previous BoRU is [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15nmsar/my_gf_asked_to_open_the_relationship_and_i_just/) **\*\*New update from 20th October 2023\*\*** [**My(43m) GF(36f) asked to open the relationship, and i just pointed her to the door.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14qrs7w/my43m_gf36f_asked_to_open_the_relationship_and_i/) **- 4th July 2023** So, like the title says, My(43m) GF(36f) asked that we open the relationship, and I just pointed her to the door. it was too much? I strongly believe that in a monogamous relationship when someone ask to open it, well is because that person saw something else out there and is ready to try it instead of working in the relationship. Basically is blindsiding his/her partner. So I have being with Fran (36) over the last two years and a half, almost two as a couple. I thought that things where moving smothly and was about to ask her to move in (At the begining of April), But lately she was acting rather distant. So i dicided to wait a little and watch. (Iwas cheated on the past, so i'm a little cautios with some signs) Out of nowhere this last friday she asked me to open the relationship, she gave me all her big speech, and when she ended her "presentation" I asked her if she has someone in mind, because is not like we decided to day and basically going out with other persons tomorrow, basically I trick her into tell me what I alredy knew, and yes she has someone in mind, which means to me, that either she already did it or she has all set up. So I got up, walk around the apartment while she was trying to sell that this could be good for both us and our relationship, by the time she ended talking I hand her one of my sportbags with all her stuff in it, and tell her to left the spare key over the table on her way out, that we are done and she knows why. Then I went to the couch and turn on the TV, just trying to look indiferent and save face, she was speecheless for a while, about to cry, but before she couldn't say something, I tell her that I didn't wanna talk about anything and she should leave. As soon as she left, I felt like crap, so unworthy, cried a little and as right now i'm still mourning. My phone has going almost nuclear with al the calls and text I recieved from friends of both sides about my extreme reaction over her “simple” request. Don't know what she told them. So now i'm sitting wondering if I really went overboard and at the same time fighting the urge to run back to her, because deep inside even knowing my feelings for her are still there, the trust is gone and i'm not gonna spend all my time watching her movements, is not healthy, may be in time, really don´t know. Before anyone pointed out, yes I know, my reaction is pure reflection of me, not what she did or was about to do, or could do. So, did I went overboard? PS : sorry about my english, keep that in mind if you don't understand something on my reaction.   **Top Comment** *What you did was fine. If she was not satisfied with the relationship, she should have handled that with you—not by planning a sex date with someone else.* **OOP Replies** >Thanks, my point exactly   [**UPDATE : My(43m) GF(36f) asked to open the relationship, and i just pointed her to the door.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Outside-Apartment528/comments/14rgq2c/update_my43m_gf36f_asked_to_open_the_relationship/) **- 5th July 2023** First of all, thanks for all the replys and upvotes, it never cross my mind that this post would have this much atention. I just writed to put order in my ideas and vent a little, and with the hope a few people told me if i went overboard. But i didn't expected the amount of replys i got. So many thanks to all for that. Some people pointed that may be I went overboard, that may be she wasn't aware of my position on the subject, I replied to some, but there where to many comments to get back to all. So to clarify, may be a year back aprox we had a couple of friends in a similar situation, and for like a month that was the main theme of conversation on our group of friends, and everytime I said that for me is a big no and if one person in a relationship need to be with other persons, well she/he should leave. About the the friends trying to mend things up, well they weren't totally aware of the situation, yesterday after I posted here, and with my ideas more defined went to see a group of them and told them my point. All of them agree with me a different levels (some of then wanted to let it go, others wanted to burn her at the stake) , of course a few girls in the group pointed that I could do things in a better way, and also there was a few question about if could consider give her another chance. But for me the main issue is not feelings, I know that I love her, but the trust is gonne and I don't want to find my self wondering all the time what is she up to. After I left, my friends talked to other persons that weren't there and basically the waters have calm. If you are wondering what is she doing, really don't know. I got a few texts from her, but haven't read them yet, and don't think I will do it soon. Anyway, I know is not much, but this is all I got for now. **NOTE: when I first join this part of reddit I didn't get what people get here by posting their relationship troubles, but I do get it now.**   **Top Comment** *I think you should talk to her and ask her what she thought was going to happen since you always made it clear that opening up the relationship was a big NO for you. I don't think you reacted badly, I think she's the one who should be forever ashamed of herself for that, I hope everything works out for you* **OOP Replies** >I don't know . . . Actually I give it a lot of thought about it. Don't know if I would get a satisfactory answer. I don't find any logic, because, she knew me . . . and she should know Part of me thinks that she wanted to break up to be with this guy, but didn't wanted to be the crappy girl that left one guy to be with the other and may be was hopping for an agressive overreaction from me, so she could leave pointing that i was the bad guy and avoid that her friends made judgment of her. May be in a few days I would be ready to have that talk. But not for now. &#x200B; [**Final Update : My(43m) GF(36f) asked to open the relationship, and i just pointed her to the door.**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Outside-Apartment528/comments/14w37c0/final_update_my43m_gf36f_asked_to_open_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) **- 10th July 2023** Hello to every stranger interested in how things ended. I wasn't much on the idea about posting any other update, but, some people have being asking, so, here it is. Finally after listen to varius friends and some redit users, I talked to her, just to sort things out. Last Friday we meet at our regular place where we take coffee. At the distance, she looked great, so great that I just wanted to say fuck it and drag her back to my place(it took a lot of restraining to not do it), when I got close to her, I noticed her sadness and she still has her eyes irritated from crying. We sat and before she could say a word I asked her to tell me the entire story and that please don't let anything out of it, that I need it and then I would ask her a few things and also needed all the true. The story is pretty basic, around two month before she asked for the Open relationship, on her girls dancing night out they meet this exotic good looking guy. During the first month he was the new flavor that all the singles friends on the group where trying out, wich leeds to girl taking and sharing experiences.Eventually this guy, that was having his way with all the girls around him, set his eyes on Fran, and begun to flirt with her, taking her to dance floor having fun. Well here is when she shoulded stoped things, because we had an agreement with dancing night, that she would stay away from any guy, because, we guys are pigs and is pretty rare that a guy just wanna dance. Anyway because of the excitement, she went for it, enjoyed the attention of this guy and had a great time dancing. Looking at the time line, this was around the time I noticed that Fran was distant. Moving forward a few weeks her friends were sharing more intimate stories about this guy, and that got into her mind, she found herself fantasizing doing it with him. Also he was trying to make a move on her too. But from what she told me, she didn't went for it because she was with me. Drinks and drunken friends are bad counselors, and once the idea of open the relationship came out, they where over two weeks chating about how to convince me, that because long time a go, I had threesomes and also swinged a little, I should be ok with the idea of open the relationship. But threesomes and swinging are things you do as a couple, and out of the pure excitment. (at least for me, and was a long time ago early's 20s) All this lead to the day she asked to open the relationship. She told me that she and her friends never thought that i would end the relationship in the moment, that the worse scenario would be me geting angry and saying NO. So there is no big deal in just asking. At this point I interrupt her and tell her that she should know better, we where together over two years and always share my thought about everything with her. (she agrees) At this point i explained to her that, I didn't breakup with her for the question, I did it because there was already a guy, so for me that was a major trust issue. If this was some concern that came out natural, may be we could have work it out, in the worse scenario may be we could founded an alternative, but the way things where, is was an alert for me. We went around of the topic for a while, and then I begun to question her, basically I ask if she was intimate with him at some point, she said she wasn't. If she developed some feelings for him, no she didn't and lastily if she has seen this guy again, and that was also a NO. Even if that is not much, that was a small relief. But i explaind to her that I can't go back to her, I need to close this for my own health. Also I told her, that we share a lot of friends and I don't wanna lose any of them because of this and wouldn't be fair to ask them to chose, so we can behave like adults and keep things friendly. (if my friends take one side is because they want it, not because I ask them to) She said how sorry she is, that if she could, would undo everything, but she knew it can't be done. She was about to cry, I was also too. So it was a good moment to ask for the check and leave. I walked her to her car, open the door for her (just and habit of mine) and she started to cry, I coulden't help and hug her, we stood there about 10 minutes, when she calmed she got in to her car and drove. I was at shock, went home grabed my camping gear, and drove to the mount and spended all the weekend there to clear my mind. Early this morning I was driving back to the city, and at the moment my phone grabed signal, it got flooded with messages, from friends and family, all worried because basically I disappeared , without telling anybody. I text back to everyone telling that I was ok, that went out camping and at the moment was driving to work. Also I got a text from her, something on the lines that she feels that we are not over yet, and that she thinks I need time to leave all this behind me, and she will wait in the hope of it. I haven't text her back, because i'm pretty sure i'm done, but experience has teach me to never say never. So for now i'm gonna take easy, doing what I like, and see where things take me. well that's it, thanks all for your support and advice. PS: sorry about my english   **Top Comment** *good job standing up for yourself. the moment she got another guy in her mind, she's no longer respecting you. do not take her back. there are plenty of good woman out there that will treat you right.* *well, now she can get all the attention and sexual experience with any guy she wants, while being single of course. only vile human wishes to explore their sexual desires while still in a relationship with others.* **OOP Replies** >To be fair the mind play trick on us, so having thought or fantasies is pretty normal. Take action is the issue. Here is where i draw the line. > >I don't wish her ill or anything, at the moment i'm just a little sad, don't gonna lie, going back had crossed my mind a lot of times, but i just play in my mind the scenario of me back with her, and always wondering and having the need to check her phone, . . . and thats a big no for me. > >I don't believe she is vile, only we wheren't on the same page, also i think deep inside she wasn't in the same page with her own self. > >Anyway, time to move forward, and see what life have ahead for me. &#x200B; **\*\*New Update starts here\*\*** [**How are things going for me**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Outside-Apartment528/comments/17cdyex/how_are_things_going_for_me/) **- 20th October 2023** Hello, it's been a while, the truth is I didn't plan to continue updating the story, but a few days ago a friend sent me a Tiktok link where the story was, but now in Spanish, the translation was horrible, so I got some smiles at it and realized that I hadn't logged into reddit in a while, so I decided to do it yesterday. I came across several messages, some asking what I was up to, others giving advice and encouragement and of course those asking for an update. I decided that it would be easier to write here than to respond individually to each of you. Well here it goes: After almost a month and a half revolving around the matter, I still didn't have things very clear, but fortunately that's what best friends are for, I had a conversation with Clau and her husband Pete (my two best friends, Clau is like my little sister and Pete is my best friend since college) After a while talking, Clau put on her serious face (that's strange, he's always smiling) and told me: *"You have to let her go, you know very well that in your head you will always be wondering what happened and if you are really all that she wants and regardless of whether that's the case, you'll never be sure."* She also said something about how the only reason I haven't let her go is because I don't want to be alone. To be very honest, all of that is true, it was hard to hear it, especially because it came from the woman who I still see as that little girl I took by the hand to school and for some reason I couldn't stop wondering when she became More mature and wiser than me. **FUNNY NOTE:** I jokingly asked her when she had matured more than me, she laughed and told me that I stopped maturing at 15 and that she had caught up with me when she turned 10 (we have 5 years difference) Anyway, back to the story, I gave the situation a couple more thoughts that week and went to talk to Fran (ex GF), I just told her that clearly at this moment in life we wanted different things and that it was better for each of us to continue on our own way, without resentments or bad feelings and I said goodbye. Clearly she didn't like what I said and she got sad, but well, she has to process her emotions and I have to process mine. I was in an emotional low for a while and I focused on work, but things have slowly improved. No, I'm not seeing anyone and I have no intentions anytime soon, I think it's a good opportunity to behave like an immature 15 year old in the body of a 43 year old and play video games, go camping and be the envy of everyone of my friends whose wives or partners don't let them go out to play XD And that's it. Thank you for your interest in my story, your advice and good wishes. PS: like always, sorry about my english. **Reminder - I am not the original poster. This is a repost sub.**

[FInal Update] - My GF asked to open the relationship, and I just pointed her to the door

NEW UPDATE

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zwr7h/final_update_my_gf_asked_to_open_the_relationship/

18093eh

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/FaithlessnessCalm820 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **The birth mom returns** Trigger Warnings: >!child abandonment, child neglect, emotional manipulation and abuse, gaslighting!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17udznr/the_birth_mom_returns/?share_id=P2SBT0YQjkU8RpICYuT8P&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 13, 2023** AITAH for not convincing my step daughter to meet up with her birth mother? To give you a little bit of context, Im the step-mom (30y/o) taking care of my partner's daughter. I've known her since she was five and now she's turning 13. She calls me "mommy" and introduces me as her "mom" to her friends. Now there's the birth-Mother. She's living overseas and barely communicates with the kid. There was even a point that they didn't speak for 2 years because she doesn't call. Last time she went to see her daughter was 2019, she was here for 2 weeks but only spent 1week with the kid and the other 1 week was spent sight seeing with her friends. In short, she's an absentee. My SD opened up to me saying that she doesn't want to communicate with her BM because she feels like she's a stranger to her. 3 months ago, I helped my SD to open up to her BM about what she feels and that it's going to help improve their relationship if the BM is aware of what's going on. The BM was replying for a week or two then became dormant again for 3 months. The next chat my SD got was the BM asking to meet up with her because she's coming back to the country for a visit. Now, we asked my SD what she feels about it and she said she doesn't want to meet her BM. She was bawling her eyes out because she doesn't want to go but she also feels bad about feeling that way. I feel like I could still convince her to go if I wanted to and she'll listen to me but I also think that for so long she's the one that's always adjusting for the BM. She can't do anything if the BM doesn't communicate all these years and if she remembers to chat, SD is always expected to reply. I think it's unfair on her part since it's supposed to be the BM's obligation and responsibility to have a good communication with her daughter. What should I do? Edit: For those asking where's her dad in all of this: His POV is a bit different. He thinks that SD should give it a try at least once so that she could get her questions answered as to why her BM is like that and get closure. But he also thinks that if SD doesn't really wanna do it, he won't force the issue and tell the BM what SD really wants. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **thebearofwisdom:** NTA. I’d say kiddo is old enough to decide for herself. She’s having huge emotions about it and she’s only a kid so she doesn’t know how to handle that yet. All you can do is what you are doing, by supporting her decision and helping her with her distress. There were times where my step mom had to stand up for me when I didn’t want to go home. She always said “I won’t just let them leave knowing they’re miserable, if they want to stay, they can stay as long as they want” I didn’t live with my dads family, but when I really needed a break from my abuser, it was my step mom that made sure I knew I didn’t have to leave. This situation is really difficult because what kid doesn’t want their mom to just BE their mom for once? She’s still young and this has to be really hard for her to understand. Just make sure she knows she’s safe with you and you’ll listen to her no matter what she needs to say. Poor kid, I feel so bad for her >**OP:** Everyone in the family keeps on telling me to convince her otherwise because "she's still her mother after all". And I don't agree with that. This reaction the result of all the years of neglect she's done to my SD and I won't force her to do anything she wouldn't want to do. She was crying last night and my heart is like crushed a million times seeing her like that. 😢 **FairyPenguinStKilda:** She is 13, and says that her BM feels like a stranger to her. Is the BM mentally unwell? Was there family violence in the relationship with her BM and father? She seems to be asking you if it is OK to feel weird about this, and you have supported her. Maybe it is time to speak to a professional, and have your SD talk as well. Be supportive, be there, but she is the BM and the child is only 13. She has a long way to go, and you both have adolescence to navigate. She calls you Mom, considers you her mother. Have you adopted her legally? That might help her as well, if the BM is so absent. >**OP:** As far as I'm aware of, the BM doesn't have any mental issues and there has NEVER been a violence between my husband and her when they were together. They parted ways when my SD was just 2y/o. If I could adopt her I would but it would be a stretch too far and I want her to decide that for herself if that's what she wants. In my country, adoption is a bit of a difficult process. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17vgonl/update_the_birth_mother_returns/) - **Nov 14, 2023** This is an update with a little bit of a rant. 😅 So my SD has made up her mind that she wouldn't go. We asked her to at least message the BM that she can't go and the reason behind it. This is what she said: "Hello... I just wanna let you know that I won't be able to meet you because I don't want to go. I mean, Papa and Mommy already told me that it's better if I go and talk to you but I feel that I'm not ready to see you yet." She was nervous to send that and wanted to say sorry for not going but I told her that she shouldn't apologize for saying no and that it's okay. Then after a few hours, the BM responds: ""I understand, it's like we haven't seen each other for so long and then I'll show up out of the blue. I know it's going to be a little awkward and there's mixed emotions. But I want you to know, no matter what happens, you're still my baby girl. You don't have much memories about me because I was already working while you were still a baby. We didn't have a choice back then because we have no money and I can't work in your country because of the visa. I didn't want to be apart from you too. I didn't expect us to be like this. This is not what I want for you and I'm sorry. I'm in your city this Saturday and Sunday, so in case you wanna meet me even just for a brief moment, just message me. I will go to you. Just 10 to 30mins of your time would be enough, I just want to see and hug you." It's a decent reply, right? But for me? All I see is a little bit of gaslighting that she had to work for my SD and no accountability that she didn't communicate with her daughter as she should. She's saying that my SD has no memories of her, well duh? In this generation of modern technology where video calling is now possible, she's managed to not exist in her child's life. Also, she said that 10 to 30 mins would be enough, I feel like she's just thinking about herself and what she would feel in that brief encounter but she didn't consider how hurt my daughter would be. My husband however sees her reply as "humble response" and I don't. AITAH for not being satisfied with her response on this? Edit: my husband clarified that he's not making any excuses for the BM. It's just that he has set his expectations of her so low that this response was decent enough for him. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **CarolineTurpentine:** NTA, she’s asking for a bit much considering she hasn’t seen her kid in years and barely communicates with her. I’m glad she’s respecting your SD’s wishes but maybe you should talk to her about starting smaller and exchanging messages to start with maybe moving up to video calling. Her timing is a bit suspect though, why is she reaching out now, just when her daughter is getting to the age where she understands she was abandoned and is able to articulate her feelings about it? I think your husband needs to ask further questions and find out if something else is going on. Is she ill? Getting married? Is she getting family pressure to bring her daughter around them? Why is this the first time she returned home in years? I have a hard time believing she’s just a contrite mother looking to reconnect, especially since she’s pushing for even a brief meeting. I have a feeling it’s for a photo opportunity. >**OP:** A few months ago, I have helped and urged my SD to open up to her BM about SD feeling like BM is a stranger. SD also said that she hopes they could slowly chat more often to get to know each other more. The BM was responding for a week or so and then became dormant again for 3 months. The next chat she sent was asking my SD to meet up because she'll be in the country/in our area FOR TWO DAYS! > >They haven't seen each other since 2019 and all she can alot for her child are those 2 days?! This makes my blood boil tbh. &nbsp; **DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED** **SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED** [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/180yd8t/update_the_birth_mom_returns/?share_id=oVatxW055I6mT8FJpQCys&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 21, 2023** I had to calm down before I could post this one. 😅 After the last update, my husband and I agreed that we will honor whatever my SD wants. I also asked him to relay my SD's reasons as to why she doesn't want to meet her BM. This is what we sent her: "Hi! Just spoke with SD about you going here. Looks like she's having trouble expressing herself to you. I just want to relay what she said when we spoke with her. SD is in pain. She's angry and sad at the same time because she doesn't feel the motherly love from you. She feels like the reason why you don't communicate much is because you don't want to deal with her. She wants you to communicate at least once a day. That's already enough for her. She's also tired of trying to fix the bridge between you two because you'll only respond for a bit and then become a ghost for a while. She thinks the relationship is beyond saving because you don't put in effort to be close with her too. She's mad of all those broken promises you've made that you don't fulfill. She's mad about all those special occasions that you never remembered to message her about. She's tired of feeling guilty because she's questioning herself why she feels this way. She's tired of being neglected. I'm recommending her to go and meet you so that those questions could be addressed but if she doesn't really want to, I can't force her to do anything. Maybe try to address those above when you guys meet or try to chat her again. I hope you both can fix this. " We sent that to her 3 days before she gets here. She's seen the chat but didn't reply to my hubby. She also didn't chat SD again after that. Now here comes sunday, she said she just wants to drop a package off for SD. But SD said she doesn't want to pick it up herself so I told her dad to go outside and deal with it. After a few minutes, he went back and called SD to go outside with him and when I checked the CCTV, SD was already being hugged by BM and was bawling her eyes out. I was furious! We already had an agreement that we will follow what SD wants and despite that he still forced her to do it. To make the matters worse, while SD and BM was hugging, in my daughter's most vulnerable state, BM's friend, snapped pictures with flash on as if to capture the supposed intimate moment for both. To me it looked like they were just there for photo op and not really caring about what my SD would feel. After a few minutes, BM waved off saying goodbye as if she's just saying goodbye to a friend. 🤦‍♀️ After this, I went to see my SD outside and she said she's fine. She didn't realize how much she missed her BM and said she wants to spend more time with her. I felt relieved seeing that at least this encounter made her happy. The BM came back after a few minutes and they walked around the area while chatting. Now this is where it gets juicy. 😂 take note that my daughter told me all of this and I'm not making anything up. Again she's pretty open to me and most of the time we talk like bestfriends. SD said that BM explained that the reason why she was not communicating that much is because she's "busy" With work. Although, SD said that "I just didn't ask her why she can't take at least 5 mins to chat me. Still don't understand that part". SD also said that during their talk, a lot of negativity and blame was shifted to her dad. BM said that the dad was always leaving her alone and not helping her. SD's thought's about this was "this doesn't sound like the father I grew up with. Papa is caring and loving and thoughtful. He was never neglectful when I was growing up." Aaaaandddd, BM also said that the reason for their breakup was ME! This is where she's literally digging her own grave. 😂 BM said, that I was the 3rd party in their relationship and that she was so "heartbroken" that she had to move forward instead of continuing the relationship. What BM doesn't know is that I'm very honest with SD. Months prior, I told her about my previous relationship and what happened. So she knows that I didn't break anything. Hubby and BM already broken up 3 years before I came to the scene. Since BM already opened that door, I'm more than allowed to defend myself. I explained to SD that it didn't make sense that hubby and I got into a relationship July, and after 3 months, BM also got in a relationship with someone. If she was so "heartbroken", why is it that fast? BM also claims that I'm not being nice to her. We barely had any interaction! And she blocked me after I tried to reach out to her about communicating with SD. SD said she's disappointed that her BM lied to her face. She's old enough to know which is the truth and which is the lie. I told SD to just enjoy the time while BM is still here in the country, to cherish the moment and to just get anything positive or good out of their conversations. I also added to not follow the bad examples she's seeing and if her BM still talks bad about her dad and she's not comfortable about it, she can speak up and call BM out. My hubby and I talked about this and if she keeps on insidously spewing out negativity to our daughter, we might limit their interactions because of how she's talking to SD goes against all that we're teaching our daughter. Hubby apologized that he deviated from our agreement but he said that it was a gamble paid off since it made our daughter happy that she get to see her BM and that she might've regretted it if she didn't. BM is an AH. 😂 &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

The birth mom returns

NEW UPDATE

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18093eh/the_birth_mom_returns/

18093uj

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Fine_MarionBerry3796 **AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend over the orange peel theory.** **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional abuse, misogyny!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/5xtrn2aK4T)  **Nov 11, 2023** What is the orange peel theory?- I was scrolling on tik tok when I saw a post about the orange peel theory, which to sum it up is when you ask another person to do a small task for you, like peeling an orange or asking them to tie your shoes for you, both of these are tasks that you can do by yourself. The real test is how they respond to you, if they respond with “you can do it yourself” “can’t your do that” “… I guess…” then they are not willing to do small tasks for you and will most likely fail to do larger task for you in the future. However if they do it willingly or take the initiative to do it immediately then they pass in a way. Now on to the situation, my boyfriend of 7 months was sitting in the couch when I saw the tik tok video explaining the theory, and I decided I should try it out. Up to this point we were happy but now looking back on it I am not suprised by how he responded. I asked him to tie my hair up for me and he looked at me and asked me why I couldn’t do it. At first I thought that maybe he was intimidated by my long hair, however he has had long hair in the past and knew how to tie it up. I asked him again thinking it was just a fluke but he told me that I could do it since I was in the kitchen and he needed to relax stating that he just got off work. I know what y’all are thinking (let that man relax he just got off) y’all he works from home… and even if he was truly tired he has plenty of energy to play games and go out to the bar with his friends. Regardless I honestly I didn’t want to break up and thought it was dumb to throw a relationship away over a tik tok… well that was until later in the day when I asked him if he could toss a towel in the dryer so I could be warm when I got out of the shower since I forgot to do it my self. Surprise surprise, he never did it and it just made me realize how much I do for him and his daughter that is not even mine!!! and I think I have fed, held, and changed her more than he has. So Reddit I ask you am I the AITAH if I go through with it. Edit: Hello everyone thank you for listening to my post, I read what your guys are saying LOUD AND CLEAR and completely see where you guys are coming from. I admit that I should not have taken advice from tik tok and that it showed immaturity to do so. However I disagree on the fact that what happend wasn’t a big deal. The method worked and made me see that I do a lot more for him than he does for me. Our relationship is not going to end because of my towel not being warm or my hair not being up, but because I realize that I am just settling for a lazy man who doesn’t take me out, doesn’t help out with his baby and has no motivations in life except to live at his parents house,play video games and drink. All while taking advantage of what I do for him. In my mind, since we are so new (7 months) these problems are foreshadowing what’s to come and I see no future with him or his baby. Again thank you everyone who took the time to read this. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/PPM3LKDUdD)  **Nov 13, 2023** Hello again Reddit fast update for you guys! First I would like to thank you for how brutally honest the comments were, and no I am not 12 I am 22. I would also like to clear some things up. First off, I didn’t mean to make it seem like I was testing him like a crazy girlfriend who sets her boyfriend up for failure. I simply used the theory to see what he would do out of curiosity and came to the realization that I was giving 90% while he was giving 30% into the relationship. The theory helped me take off my rose color tinted glasses and truly see just how much I am doing without an ounce of appreciation. As for the ones saying that they would also refuse the small task as well this simply does not apply to me, if my partner asked me to tie his shoes I would be down on one knee, because I feel like it is a simple way to show love. Previously I had never asked him to do something that I could do my self since I am relatively independent. This was not the case for him since he uses me for almost everything ( babysitter while he goes out, nighttime nanny, chef, cleaner, washing machine, chauffeur, ect.). as I took time to read the comments there was a lot of reflecting and I knew I had to talk to him and give him a chance to work this imbalance out. I texted him and told him we needed to talk and he asked me for a ride to my house since his mom was out. I picked him up but to my surprise he had his baby, so I asked him if we could just stay in the driveway and talk. He told me that he was hoping we could talk on the way, when I asked him on the way to what he told me that his buddy wanted to meet up for drinks, and I just lost it and told him to get out of my car. I just let out everything I was thinking and feeling. He looked very confused but then changed his tune and stated blaming me saying that I waiting too long to tell him this and that his daughter is already bonded to me (she is around 1) I’m not sure what to do I went home and my phone was filled with messages from his mom saying that I needed to step up and be “a good mom and future wife) the thing is, I DONT WANT TO BE ETHIER!!!. lastly I know you guys don’t like the orange peel theory but I think I dodged a bullet. Or the ones who feel bad for him he dodged a bullet. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend over the orange peel theory.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18093uj/aitah_for_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend_over_the/

18093un

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ThrowRAMovedOn2Q which is now suspended. **Originally posted to** r/amiwrong **AITA for dating a guy I told my ex not to worry about?** Trigger Warnings: >!mentions of infidelity, verbal abuse!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/17tlooj/aita_for_dating_a_guy_i_told_my_ex_not_to_worry/?share_id=pVSzM90nBmyKoYYYWDqID&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 12, 2023** So 3 months ago I (21F) went out to a club as it was student night, which means £2.50 drinks. I went out with a big group of girls. While out I met a (M, 23M). I don’t remember exactly how or why we started talking but he was talking to me and my friend, and while we were talking he realised his friend had walked off, so me and my friend told him to stay with us and hang out. We ended up spending the rest of our time there with him and though he was talking to my friend too, me and him really clicked well. We were both in relationships though and made it clear this wasn’t some hook up thing, even showing each other pics of our partners. But as the night went on and we got drunker I admit it sort of feel like our interactions did sort of border on flirty. Some examples are; 1. If were walking through our crowded area we would hold hands so we didn’t get separated 2. I danced with him a lot again holding hands (no grinding or anything) 3. I did hug him a lot and at one point he picked me up during a hug and I wrapped my legs around him and this caused my skirt to roll up, and he like rolled it back down for me when he put me down. 4. I pretended to be his gf to get rid of a girl who was pesting him by saying “could you not flirt with my boyfriend” & kissing him on the cheek and then like holding onto his 5. At the end of the night when I had to leave, I hugged him goodbye, and we sort of accidentally kissed. By that I mean we both tried to kiss each other on the cheek at the same time and our lips touched. This was an ACCIDENT and we both apologised and it was awkward The week after me and him ended up texting quite regularly, and we arranged (it was my idea) to have both our friend groups meet, so we could hang out again, and we had good chemistry so we thought our friends probably would too. Well it went great, and now our friend groups are mixed and I have a bunch of new friends. Two of his friends have ended up dating 2 of my friends, one of them even being bf and gf. Unfortunately though, my boyfriend was less then happy about M. He didn’t like that we texted, he hated the story of how we met, which I got as I can see how from the outside it looks sus even though our intentions were innocent. I did introduce the two of them, and they seemed to get on well and were laughing around together, but then later that night my bf started slagging him off for no reason which caused me to argue because he was being fake. About two weeks ago, M broke up with his gf. I’m not sure the exact details, I think they just sort of fizzled out due to being at different stages in life (she wanted kids, he wasn’t ready). When my bf found out he told me he didn’t want me to text or be friends with him anymore, as he was now single. I said I’m not going to cut him off when he’s going through a hard time, and that the idea that I now all of a sudden can’t be friends with someone just because they are single is ridiculous. My bf wouldn’t accept that and said if I carried on being friends with him, he would break up with me, so I broke up with him then and there as I was tired of him acting jealous and controlling. On Thursday, I got a text from my friend who is in a relationship with one of Ms friends. She said her, and my other friend (who’s dating one of his friends) were going to London on Friday for a trip, and asked if me and M wanted to come. I texted him and he said his friend had asked him the same question, and we both agreed we’d go. When we got there things were different then I anticipated and it definitely felt like a triple date. We did Mini Golf, and then went to food and a cocktail bar, and at the end of the night we decided to stay in London as we didn’t manage to fit in everything we wanted to do. We all got hotel rooms, and me and M got one too, with 2 beds in the room. However we ended up sharing a bed and making out a bit. The next day we went out to Camden food market, and then to Babylon park (a giant arcade). We decided to stay another night, and this time me and M had to get a room with one bed as there was no double rooms. We went to a club and then back to the room. I ended up giving him head, but that was it. The next morning I woke up to like 50 messages from my ex, calling me a liar and a cheat and saying he knew that I was away on a triple date. I told him I was single and could do what I want. He kept accusing me of cheating with M, saying its weird after a 3 year relationship for me to move on in two weeks with a guy we had fought about and who I said wasn’t a problem. I told him M wasn’t the problem, he was the problem, and that if he hadn’t been so jealous none of this would of happened. He kept accusing me of gaslighting him, and just being dramatic so I blocked him. I told M and the two couples we were with and they said he was just being pathetic and that everything was above board, but some of our other friends say I’m wrong for moving on so soon and with M. Am I? &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/17ubkfw/update_aita_for_dating_a_guy_i_told_my_ex_not_to/?share_id=jg6BnKK0pYXoFmL0YrGVO&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 13, 2023** So yesterday me and M went for a late meal (like 8pm ish) and had a talk. We agreed that we both really like each other, and want to give it a shot, so we have decided to be exclusive while we see where this goes. He stayed round mine last night, and I did sleep with him. It was amazing. I am seriously happy, and excited for the future. Afterwards we spontaneously booked a holiday to Cyprus just the two of us, and we leave on Monday (he is half Greek Cypriot, half Jamaican, and has a villa out there, so we just needed flights). As for my two friends who thought I should of waited I drafted a text, with help from a user in DMs and sent it to them both in a group chat. It says: Hi girls. I know you have been disappointed in my actions, and feel it was a bad look to move on so quickly. I know you care deeply about me, and just want whats best for me and for me to make good decisions for myself. I do feel like I want to clear up what happened a little/my thought process. What you need to understand is, in the moment of the ultimatum, I saw two paths ahead of me. One where I spend the rest of my 20's in J’s bedroom, watching him smoke weed and play Xbox, begging him to go on a date, and only getting attention when he wants sex. Then I saw one where I stayed friends with M, and we all got to hang out as a big group, and go to events, go play golf, go on our holidays etc. I knew then and there that the relationship was done. I didn't just choose M over J, I chose this life, where we all get to hang out together and actually live and have fun vs Just me and J sitting in and doing nothing all the time. It wasn't just a choice between M and J, it was a choice of all of you, and the life we've built these last few months vs J. As for how quickly I moved on, you both know I had been unhappy for a long time, and there was only so long that I could beg for him to change before giving up. To you, it might seem like I lost my feelings for him over night, but truthfully, this has been building since the start of this year. I have begged, pleaded, cried for him to change, and unfortunately he never did. All he ever wanted to do is smoke weed and that was it. By the time he threatened to end it, I had already mourned the relationship 100 times. He had already spent all my tears. He had already drained me emotionally. And I had no more emotions left to give him. Breaking up with him wasn’t heartbreaking, it was liberating. That is why I did not feel the need to wait. I love you both so much, and I hope you can be happy for me, but if not that is your decision. My friends replied and said they know that I was unhappy, and that they think I made the right decision, and that they’re happy for me. They said sorry for coming across as judgemental, that it wasn’t their intention and they were just worried I was making a rash decision. We are all meeting tonight, just us girls, and we’re going out for for a meal and some drinks and put all this behind us for good. Then I’ll be going to Ms for the first time, to meet his parents which I’m excited about. My ex is staying blocked, and I doubt I’ll ever see or hear from him again as he never leaves his room, so that is the end of that, and I’m closing that miserable chapter of my life for good. Thank you for everyone who gave me helpful advice, thank you for the u/New_Rule_556 who DMd me, and helped me draft that message, and thank you even to all the haters, who helped me practice fleshing out my beliefs/reasonings and defend my actions. Without you I wouldn’t of found the words for that text. I doubt I’ll use this account again, as I got what I wanted from it. Goodbye reddit:) &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for dating a guy I told my ex not to worry about?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18093un/aita_for_dating_a_guy_i_told_my_ex_not_to_worry/

180952b

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/throwawayAccOnetime **I(29 F) Found out My Husband(34M) is obsessed with our Boss' daughter and I have no idea what I could do, or How I should proceed?** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **Thanks to u/NoDescription2609 for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Infidelity, Grooming, sexual harassment, talk of sexual assault and rape, hostile workplace, personal violation, photos without consent, digital stalking, involuntary pornography!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/brkxE0fms1) **Nov 8, 2023** Throwaway account because I don't want people following my main to know about these, at least not yet. For some context first, I (29) and my husband (34) work for a small RMG firm here, we were both recommended through a relative of mine. I have been working here for about 6 years, my husband for about 7 years. During the work time, our boss would occasionally bring his then teenage daughter to work (she should have been around 15-ish when we first met her) and had her interact with the employees and stuff to show her what we were doing, how things work etc. Fast forward to January of this year, The boss brought her in, officially, letting us know that she will be taking over a good deal of his work overlooking things. We were initially hesitant, considering she was so young (Turned 20 this year) but ultimately, she wasn't taking over, more so learning to handle the business while the boss managed other work I suppose. It helped that she herself was also very keen on co-operating and taking advice, often holding meetings to discuss things and making sure she herself is the last to leave work almost every time. It's been an overall good development in that regards. The issue started initially a few months after she started, she would occasionally hold office events, just to lighten the mood, and this earned her a lot of praise, from all of us, since it's not something the old boss would have time to look into. We were all talking about her, so it didn't feel too weird at first when my husband joined in on the praising, "How impressive it is she's so young but so mature" "How she's been a breath of fresh air in the office" "Everyone's so motivated to work cause of her" etc. With hindsight, it seems like that was just his "in" on talking about her with me in general. Every now and then, he'd start singing her praises, when we're at home, a huge talking point always being how she's so mature for her age and understanding, even pointing out how we weren't at that age. I didn't take it much to heart, until one time I joked that it was fine if he was immature at times, and that I would love him regardless, and his response was something along the lines of "Well you were too, unlike her" I think that was the first time I felt a bit bad, cause it felt like he actually was just comparing me to her now. But I tried not to think too much about it. This slowly spiraled too, going from talking about her maturity to looks, how she can still look good while being so busy with studies and work, how she, and I quote, "was definitely more gifted compared to other girls" And once, out of insecurity, I asked if he thought she was prettier than me, he gave me a, "Of course you're attractive to me, but objectively, like, not considering my attraction to you, she is prettier" This messed with me for a while, and we ended up having a fight, where I essentially banned him from bringing her up with me, if it's not work related. Also adding to it, was the fact that he started taking extra work every now and then, and working overtime, and while I initially thought it was to just earn extra money, I later found out it was simply cause he knew she usually heads home late too, usually after most if not all office employees left. Fast Forward to a few days back, weekend happened, husband was out with his friends, and my Laptop was at the repairs, so I used his laptop, without his permission. We are relatively free with each others devices, like, we never have a reason to use each others devices, but if for some reason we did, the other didn't mind, so I didn't think much of it. I had put on some vids on autopay as background noise as I did some work, when I opened his PC folder and on the left Quick Access Bar, there was a folder with our Boss's daughter's name. I had to click it, and when I did, I actively couldn't believe what I was seeing. a folder of over 1k+ pics of her, Screenshots from Instagram and other apps, any and every pic he could find of her and an insane number of pics, just, taken without her consent, like, with either a hidden camera or his phone at the office, ranging from her just sitting or working, to some from a high enough angle to get cleavage or downblouse and even a few under the table shots, though those didn't have anything to show, from what I had seen. This creeped me out, beyond anything, since it was almost impossible to place my husband, who I have always known as the sweetest guy, for the 6 years we have been married, as someone who would do something like this. I was shocked and just, didn't really know how to react, if I should feel disgusted or sad, angry, I didn't know. But then, it got worse. I used search to look up her name on his laptop and found something that basically turned any form of sorrow or sadness I would have felt, into just pure disgust. He basically had a folder poorly hidden deep in a number of folders, just full of photoshopped pics of her, some solo, some with him, some with other members of the office and some just absolutely vile and disgusting. I deleted all traces of me having seen or searched for those, though I doubt it was necessary, since My husband isn't the most tech savvy to begin with, took a pic of some of the shit I found and left the Laptop. I was furious, but I also didn't want him to know yet. So I acted normal that night, and then the next day, I called up my cousin (she was pregnant and her husband was away) and asked if she needed help, and used that as an excuse to move in and help her for a bit. I have talked to my husband, though limited, mostly through texts and occasionally at work, but for the last 4 days, I have been living with my cousin. Honestly, I am disgusted, but I also don't know what to do exactly. Like, I feel a mixture of being cheated on, which, I know he didn't do anything with her, but still, I can't explain it. But on top of that, I feel disgusted that my husband was this sort of a man. But even talking about it to my friends or family feels weird. I tried to share with my cousin, but the embarrassment didn't allow me to say anything. I just don't know how what to do right now, I can't stay here forever, I'll have to head back sooner rather than later, but I also don't think I can just go back home and pretend that none of this happened or I didn't see any of this, so thought this was the best way to stay anonymous and ask for some form of advice. What should I do and how should I progress? UPDATE: So, a lot happened in the course of the few hours. I honestly wanted to wait a few more days, to cool off myself, and then do whatever was needed, but some of the comments did have me worried, if he got an idea and deleted everything, if he did something harmful in the meantime and as my friend pointed out, if he somehow, as unlikely as it might be, found the post and put 2 and 2 together. We ended up going over around 4pm-ish, knowing we'd gave a few hours to collect whatever. I made sure to copy everything on the two folders to a flash drive, and took a video of it being from his laptop too, incase that was something needed. Then, as another comment suggested, we looked for my name, which came out with nothing but regular pics and stuff. After that, my friend asked me to look up co workers names, and when I did, that hit some results, with 4 other co-workers names, all women, but none to same extent as the boss' daughter (Like, between the downloaded pics, creepshots and edited pics, all 4 of them combined didnt match hers) All the folders were "hidden" the same way, inside a few layers of "New Folder"s (Like one folder insider another inside another etc upto like, 8-9 new folders) We took those too. Then my friend pointed out that some of those might be files he received, since the file names were different and some were similar to whatsapp files as she pointed out. This is something I hadn't noticed, but the edited files were definitely named differently, some being "Daughter's name + Porn action" and then others just being something like "IMG-number and then WA0014" or something along that line, which my friend said are pics he received in whatsapp. We confirmed that they were indeed received from whatsapp in the pic information. This ultimately made me do something that I shouldn't have done, since it could have blown up in my face. But it had made me anxious and I needed answers. So I asked my friends if they would stay til my husband gets back. They agreed, and I decided to take that time to pack my bags, just necessary things for now. My friends did say he's logged into facebook but didn't want to check his facebook without me, and by the time they told me that, it was already time for him to come back, so we decided to not do anything. We waited and waited, until he finally came back. He was surprised to see us, but didn't seem to suspect anything and I told him to sit down. He did, and I think that's when he noticed his laptop on the couch and asked what was going on. I told him I saw some things, related to the Boss' daughter, and that I wanted an explanation. He tried to get angry at first, but quickly dropped that act. I told him I wanted to hear what he had to say and then decide what to do. He said he was fine talking but only if my friends waited in the dining or another room, as he wanted to explain things to me alone. My friends were hesitant, but I told them it's fine, and that if they hear any issues, to "send the drive link to the boss" This was a bluff, that I wish I had thought about before he came, but I told him that I saved everything on a Gdrive and wouldn't hesitate sending it to the boss if he tried anything. He assured me he wouldn't act up and asked me what I wanted to know. At that point, I really wanted to hit him, just, the look on his face, he looked guilty, like, he was looking for excuses but failing or something, i dont know. But I really hated it. But I stayed calm, and told him I say a lot of things, including all the pics of her, the edits and a few other things. I asked him to explain. He kept asking me exactly what I wanted to know, and it was becoming obvious that he was either stalling for an excuse or trying to see how much I knew. I told him finally, that I saw the pics, the hidden cam pics and even the edits. He pleaded with me to not get mad, and hear him out. And I told him I'll consider it. He took a minute and told me that he had noticed he was growing more and more attracted to her, sexually, and he apparently struggled with these emotions a lot. Which is why he did that, and that he wanted to "release" his tension without harming anyone, which is why he made those and kept it to himself. I then asked to see his whatsapp, and the color on his face almost drained. He told me I knew he didn't use whatsapp, but I told him I had checked his google play to see what apps he had installed (Another lie, but I was sure he was using Whatsapp, so I still went with it). After a bit, he handed me the phone and told me to not overreact. I took his phone, and searched around for a bit, he has a lot of pointless apps downloaded, and it was hard to spot, specially since it wasnt even on the home screen, but on a folder file inside the slide screen thingy Android has, on the 3rd page (Sorry if the explanation confuses you). I open it, to find just one group chat, with 3 other colleagues, members of the team he is in basically. And it was just filled with pics of this girl, creepshots taken from different areas, zoomed in for the most part, from today. Like, literally a few minutes before he handed me the phone. A lot of conversations in Bangla, about fantasies on how they would have fucked her, scrolling up, it keeps getting worse and worse. I won't go into details on the specifics, but a lot of it was about wanting to force themselves on her, as a "Revenge on the boss" Kind of thing, but with her acting as the boss, and some were even full on well thought out scenarios, where they are playing out what theyd do and what not. If you ever read something and just faced pure whiplash, that was me at that moment, Literally unable to process it properly. He kept apologizing, telling me he loved me and that this was all just to keep himself in control and that it was ultimately just harmless fantasizing. I only caught bits and pieces of what he was saying, before just turning on the screen recorder and scrolling, recording the conversations, and the more I scrolled up, the more Vile it got. The conversation did predate my husband joining, it seemed, but that didn't really matter, he was very actively taking part in it. I got a good chunk of it, but it didnt seem to end, so I simply went to the chat media, and even that was a huge scrolling down of pics, creepshots from phones, fakes etc. I ended up getting as much as I could and sending it over to me, making sure it's saved on my phone. All the while he kept begging me to forgive him and not ruin his life and career. Sorry, and I quote, "Our life and careers". I told him I felt betrayed, and I told him I was disgusted at the man he was. And through his apologizing, he kept insisting it didn't really hurt anyone. But I told him it hurt me, and if she found out, it would hurt her too, and he simply pleaded with me not to tell her. For a while we just cried, for different reasons I presume, but the entire time, he kept switching between how he's sorry and he loves me, to how it's not as bad as I am making it out to be and how they were just messing around, online, and weren't hurting anyone. My friends checked in on me a few times, but didn't interfere. After a while, I pulled myself up and told him that I don't see myself staying with him and that I want a divorce. He pleaded with me not to do so, but I simply said that I didn't want to listen to his excuses. I then told him that I wanted to take the laptop, and he froze. I was half expecting him to reject me, but he simply begged me not to show this to the boss or the daughter. I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that (Which was a lie) and that I am thinking it over. I told him not to delete the whatsapp conversations or tell the others, and that if he does, I will send everything to the boss. Ultimately, I want to talk to the daughter first, and then decide what to do and how to tell the father. But that will have to wait I guess. There were a bit more pleading, and I simply left it on "I dont know what I want to do, I need to think it over and will let him know. And told him to not contact me in the meantime" And that was all we said as we left, with his laptop. I do hope he doesnt alert his friends, but even if he did, it wouldnt matter, since the screen recording has their names and numbers on the group chat and a huge chunk of the stuff they said. The thing is, since nothing physical happened, I know the police won't take it seriously 90% of the times, with the only possible time they might take it seriously is if the girl herself took action, so I intend to give her all of what I have, and let her proceed with whatever actions she chooses to take there. I do wish I had waited to talk to lawyers before taking things this far, but the fear and emotions had me wrapped up and I just ended up taking action. It seems to have worked out, but I don't know. Husband seemed pretty defeated today. But considering how little it feels like I know him, I honestly can't tell with him anymore. I will see how things play out, and maybe do one final update. But from my understanding, things will probably just end with a divorce and him getting fired. Still, thank you all for the help, even just snapping me into action. When we were leaving, he was basically sobbing and begging for forgiveness, or claiming how it's all just a mistake and nothing actually happened, to the point where I almost did feel bad for me, almost. But I don't think I can feel sympathy after those chats and what not. My friends luckily was also there to remind me that regardless of what he says, his actions are not for me to forgive. Right now, I don't really know what to feel. My minds a bit of a mess, and things are processing weirdly. Apologies in advance if some of this is incoherent or feels like there are blanks in between stuff, trust me, there are blanks in my head too right now. A few things I did want to specify, On the post, some people took the " he's not tech Savvy" bit as though he isn't good with tech at all, which isnt the case. I think of Tech Savvy as being great with tech, and that's what I meant, that he's not that great, but he is still decent. We work in RMG offices, a lot of our work is with Modaris, Photoshop and Illustrator, and he is decent with them. I just meant that in a sense that, he's not the type to hide folders or passcode wall stuff, if that makes sense. Second is, hidden cam, was less talking about actual hidden cam and more just the style of it, most of those are taken via phone ( and as we now found out, multiple phones from different people) Third, some people thought she was a minor, she isn't. She is 20 as of this year. But that still doesn't change the fact that he knew her when she was a minor and that they started this when she was 19. Fourthly, I have been going back and forth with who to tell exactly, and while she is still young, she is strong and, as much as I hate to say this after hearing it from my husband for so long, she is mature for her age. And as she's directly involved, I think it's only fair I tell her and let her decide who she wants to share these with. I have made attempts to reach out, preferably outside work and I'll let he decide how she wants to approach everything from her side. Fifth, am I worried about my job too? A bit, for a few reasons, firstly, because me and my husband were both recommended by my relative, and now, all of a sudden, that changes to someone my relative recommended creeping on the bosses daughter. And secondly cause I will be technically "the ex wife of the guy who stalker her" to her and the boss, so that's something to worry about too. But regardless, I think it's still the right decision to make. Lastly, about the divorce, I am worried for it, for sure, but we don't necessarily have a joint fortune, and most of our finances are our own, with a very small fund saved up that we usually keep for trips and stuff. And I personally think I have enough proof on me too. But still, I will get legal counselling within the next few days, preferable before things blow up on his face. I am currently staying at a friends for a few days while I look for a new flat. I wanted to move in with my parents for a bit, but my gut is telling me that's the last place I should go once the news breaks. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/GbrAntohG3) **Nov 14, 2023** So, I think this will be the only update. I saw a few people were asking for updates before too, but I honestly needed some time to myself too and wanted to see how things played out before making an update. So, as I said in the last Edit and some of the comments, I ended up going to the boss' daughter. Showed her everything I had, and told her I had the laptop too, if she needed. I could tell it was a good bit for her to process initially, but she said she's used to stuff like this (Yeah, fuck this place honestly) and so, composed herself. Afterwards she asked if it would be fine for me to help her go through the screenshots and screen recordings and pics, since she'd rather not have to go into checking the details herself, and I agreed. We sat at a local food chain and basically wrote out a detailed HR report, like not a report to the HR, but a report from the HR, regarding that team. I went over the different aspects of the texts caught on the screen recording and the edited pics as well as the creepshots of her. She reassured me that I won't be facing any consequences for this and to leave talking to her father to her. She asked if I were to be called to the police station, if I would be willing to go and I said I would. She concluded that while in other areas this could have been used to better punish them, high chances are that this won't do much, other than maybe a few days worth of jail, but that she would still be going to the police, as this will be a good way to make sure if they ever even considered doing something, this could be used to screw them over. As for their jobs, she said she would keep them for a few days, while the filing and reports work it's way up then fire them on spot with no Reference or experience certificate, basically rendering any attempts of showing work experience in this company impossible, and should they try, future hirers will be sent the HR report we built. We concluded the meeting there, with her telling me to not worry and just not interact with them at work. After that, I spoke to a Lawyer, showed him everything I had and while he took a small bit, said that things can be done relatively easily. Thing is, it's not like me or my husband have that much joint property or wealth, that there would be much of a dirty breakup financially. But from the looks of things, so far atleast, things seem to be going on my favor. My husband did call a few times and texted to see if I would reconsider, but I blocked him more or less. Didn't want any part of his bs honestly. This is the part where the shitstorm I had mentioned started. Calls and messages from relatives, all with the purpose of letting me know that these things happen and that I shouldnt hold it against him. I talked to my mother, and found out that what he told her and a few other relatives, including his parents were, I got jealous cause he accidentally showed interest in the boss' daughter but never planned to act on it. This caused almost everyone but his mother to side with him, while his mother called me to apologize, saying she was ashamed of what her son had said. I had originally told my husband I wouldn't blow this out of proportion, but ended up telling my mother and his parents, the former who responded exactly as I thought she would. She told me it's not like he acted on it, and that this much is nothing to ruin a marriage over. This didn't surprise me since when one of my aunts got cheated on, she and her other sister had essentially taken the stance of "Just forgive it and ignore it, move on and don't bring it up, things will be happy" My mother and I had a huge back and forth where she brought up family reputation, embarrassment if family finds out what he did, embarrassment if I am a divorcee in my 30s (Yeah, that's a thing here sadly, and yeah, 29 is still reaching 30s). We ended the call on pretty bad terms, but it was expected. The family itself is more or less on the same stance, with only some choosing to stay away, and even now when I ended up sharing the exact reason with a few members, they responded "Let it go and fix the relationship" Or something akin to that. The pleasant surprise came from telling his parents though, who took my side. After things blew up, his mother apologized to me, telling me she was ashamed of what her son did, while the father told me he will make sure my husband won't be causing any issues for me, in the divorce or in general. I was honestly expecting them to take his side like my family, so this was a welcome surprise. Yesterday the team were called into the boss' office along with some police. I don't know what was said and done, but they were in there for a long time and by the time they all left, they just looked defeated, specially my husband. It seems she did exactly what she said she'd do, and fired them. I don't the the specifics of it, I don't necessarily intend to ask either. As for me personally, it's been rough. It's easy to get angry when everything is happening, it's the moments when things are calm, that memories and feelings get the best of things. But I will be fine. I get to keep my job, which is huge imo. The whole thing with family isn't getting much better it seems, got a bit worse after the firing. I have my stuff and I have moved in with a friend, for a few days while I look for a smaller appartment. As for husband, I don't exactly know, but I assume he'll be moving in with his parents, who are pretty annoyed with him. The apartment we stayed in was something we both contributed to live in, so without income, I can't see him maintaining it at all. Honestly, this is probably it, I don't really see myself making any more updates to this. It's been a mess, but still, I want to thank everyone for the love and support. It really helped a lot. I haven't really thought out the response too well, might have missed parts of stuff, if I did, I'll try to answer anything I can. But other than that, this might be it. **ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP** >It wasn't just over a few pics of her. It was over 1k-ish pics, about a 300 or so from social media, and the rest creepshots taken without permission, a bunch of degrading edits and Photoshops, a shit ton of "r*pe roleplay" or whatever tf that was with her as a target, of a girl, he's known since she was 15. >As for ruining his future jobs, that'd be ruined regardless. It's not my doing. Let's say an experience certificate was given, you think any future company wouldn't contact his precious work place to get a report of him? And you think any HR issues he caused wouldn't be shown to them in that case? >The only way to "not ruin his life" would be to not go to the boss and his daughter at all, which just seems irresponsible. Anything beyond that is on their hand. Even if I hadn't helped with the report, she could have gotten others to do it. There's no real stopping that. * >If he was trying to protect me from any embarrassment, he wouldn't have made it into a jealousy thing, over nothing. His version of the story just makes it seem like I'm jealous he thinks someone is hot. Which caused a good deal of issues here too. As for help, he can get that from his family. The whole rapey aspect of it is not something I can just shrug off. As for spilling all the details, every last detail could have been left out of the family had he not decided to try to play into the fact that I'd rather have not involved family, by involving family. His family seems to have a good head on their shoulders. They can get him whatever help he needs, if he needs any. With him and I, we're done for good. IF there were any chances of fixing things, they're definitely gone now. And that's a huge if. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I(29 F) Found out My Husband(34M) is obsessed with our Boss' daughter and I have no idea what I could do, or How I should proceed?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/180952b/i29_f_found_out_my_husband34m_is_obsessed_with/

18095t8

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Mysterious-You-3336 **I(f21) think my boyfriend(m23) and his roommate(m23) have something going on** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Infidelity!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/coTXNvdAeS)  **July 6, 2023** for context my boyfriend and i have been dating for just over a year now. he's is the best man i have dated; he has an amazing personality, and is so sweet to me. he makes me laugh on a day to day. on top of all of that he has the perfect body and is so good at sex. we don't live together but we do spend most of our night at each other's places. i've talked about moving in or getting an apartment together but his excuse is always his roommate. his roommate is his best friend, and they are extremely close. where ever my boyfriend is, his roommate is tagging along. being so very close he doesn't want to stop living together yet, and says it would ruin the "flow." i'm fine with it, and i get it. one night as we were laying in bed. he ask me if i would ever do a threesome with his friend. i said maybe, and continued on with our night. i didn't think we would actually have one with him until, we were getting it on one night and his roommate walked in. we had all gotten home from a concert and were pretty drunk. but, instead of walking out. he walked in. i cant say i didn't enjoy it, but it was a little weird. i thought i would be the main person, but it seemed that my boyfriend was. his roommate barely kissed or touched me, but was all over my boyfriend. i thought it was going to be a onetime thing only, and that it was only because we were drunk. but it happened again completely sober. it was whatever, until my boyfriend asked me to do it again. i said no this time. and for some reason it turned into an argument. i said somethings that weren't really nice, and now he's being awkward and quiet with me. i don't want to break up, but what do i say to him? [Update - 4 months later](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/LiLCKdb4v1)  **Nov 13, 2023** This is an update on my last post and again i need a bit of help. i saw that some comments and people who chatted me, thought that my boyfriend might be bisexual and in the closet. but he has always told me he’s completely straight. and never had any weird thoughts.  after a few days with my boyfriend being weird back in july, my boyfriend and i made up. he explained to me that he thought that i liked it a lot, and i seemed to be having a lot of fun during the the two times we did it with him. i shrugs it off, because i didn’t want to create a bigger problem and i just wanted it to end there. after all of it i haven’t been really going to his place a lot, because i don’t like seeing his roommate anymore. my boyfriend and i go to different colleges (only an hour away.) so as my classes started this year i began only seeing him on the weekends. this weekend he had came over to my place and decided to stay the night. we didnt do anything last night, but as we were falling asleep we were watching tiktoks on his phone. he had fell asleep and i still had his phone. I know this might seem like I was stalking or going through his phone, but I went onto his Photos app, because I was going to look for a photo that he had taken a few weeks ago of us. but as i went through it i begin to see photos of his nude roommate. yes. his roommate naked. i don’t know if it’s a guy think to just do that, but there was more. there was a video of them j*rking off together, snapchat videos of them showering together (i’ve shower will him maybe 3 times.) , even more things. I got his phone immediately when I started seeing these, I sat there in bed, confused, because my boyfriend and his roommate don’t seem gay at all. I really don’t know if this is just a guy thing, or being best friends for year thing. I don’t even know if this count as cheating? I seriously have no idea what to do because I really do love him, and i’m just so confused. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I(f21) think my boyfriend(m23) and his roommate(m23) have something going on

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18095t8/if21_think_my_boyfriendm23_and_his_roommatem23/

180soo5

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Specialist-Ball9777 **in** r/AITAH, r/EntitledPeople **and her user account** trigger warnings: >!infidelity, parental abandonment, harrassement/trespassing, stealing, lying, false allegation of SA, possible sex with a minor!< &#x200B; For clarity, the abbreviations used by OOP are: * HS = half-sister * BM = biological mother * Rando = BM's current husband * GM = maternal grandmother * AP = HS's bio father * RO = restraining order * TO = no trespassing order * TRO = temporary restraining order &#x200B; [**AITAH for not helping my half-sister**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17sb3cz/aitah_for_not_helping_my_halfsister/) **- 10th November 2023** My half-sister (HS) and I have no real relationship. **Background:** My dad divorced our mother when I was 5 and HS was still 4, but going on 5. HS was the product of my mother's affair and born exactly nine months after me. My dad stayed with my mother up until I, at 5, told him about the man my mother kept bringing over when he wasn't home - that would be HS's father. My dad gave my mother the house in exchange for removing his name from HS's birth certificate. He paid her child support for me up until I was 8 and my mother abandoned me during her week because her AP didn't want to take a child that wasn't his to visit his family for the holidays anymore and HS pretty much hated me because her grandpa supposedly liked me better. Dad tried to be civil and make sure I had a relationship with HS after that, but I didn't want anything to do with her either, so I never spent time with her after that. HS herself would say she didn't have a sister, so I never claimed her. **AITAH Question and Advice Needed** The day I made my account, HS called me. I don't know how she got my number, but she was sobbing about "our mom" kicking her out of the house and not wanting anything to do with her now that she's married to (random name) - don't know who he is. I just hung up on her to be honest and she started texting me that she really needs her sister's help. She says she has nowhere else to go, her father cut contact awhile ago and no one is willing to come up to get her (she lives six hours away from where I live, which I guess is easy to figure - I live next door to my dad). I'm a bit torn because when she called again, I told her we're not actually sisters and I'm not coming to get her nor am I giving her a place to stay until she's back on her feet. Then I hung up again. I blocked her number, but she's been calling from other numbers and now I have people from my mother's family telling me I'm an awful sister and I should be more understanding because I was once the child that got kicked out. I just need some insight because I want to know if I'm in the wrong or if I should've gone about it differently.   **Comments** **BimboTwitchBarbie** *NTA - tell those people that they should take her in if it matters that much to them.* **gufiutt** *NTA — your mother’s family has a lot of nerve. Are any of them stepping forward to help your HS out?* *Ultimately, you don’t owe her anything due to some shared genetics. At the same time, do you want to act the same way she did. I’d definitely be cautious bringing someone into my home that I didn’t trust enough to not rob me blind, etc. you know her better than we do. If you do decide to be the change you would like to see in the world just be certain to lay out all of the possible ground rules ahead of time.* &#x200B; >OOP:That's my main question, the "act the same way she did" part. Had this been a few years earlier, I would've helped her I think - when we were kids, I'm pretty sure she was just parroting whatever her parents were saying. But we're both 25 now and I don't get why after 17 years, I'm the one she comes running to. I don't think I should've said what I said when she was already so emotional, but I just don't get it. > >No one is helping her as far as I know. Most of the people calling/texting are people I don't have a relationship with. My grandma claims she has a full house right now and since I "technically" live alone, she thinks I should help HS out. But she's saying that because of the whole "family helps family" mindset. > >I don't know her all that well anymore either. She's as much of a stranger to me now as she is to you, I just wanna know what others would do in my place. &#x200B; **Judgement is NTA** &#x200B; [**They dropped her off at my house (rant)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/17tw0on/they_dropped_her_off_at_my_house_rant/) **- 12th November 2023** 4 days ago, I made my account and contemplated asking if I was an AH for something. My half sister (HS) had called me crying, saying "our" mother kicked her out and she really needs her sister. I hung up the first time and when she kept calling and texting, I told her we're not actually sisters and I wasn't driving six hours to pick her up nor letting her stay with me. I've been getting nonstop texts and calls from my maternal family since then. My maternal grandmother, the only person I stayed in any contact with, pretty much begged me to "be a good sister" and let HS stay with me - she told HS I have my own house, gave her my number, ect. I've blocked my grandmother and everyone saying that I should be understanding because we've both been abandoned by our mother. It isn't the same, I told my grandmother this, but no one seems willing to acknowledge that. For context, HS and I are exactly 9 months apart in age. She's the product of an affair and my dad stayed with my biological mother (BM) until I was 5 and told him she kept bringing a man around when he wasn't home - her affair partner (AP) and HS's biological dad. Dad divorced BM and gave her the house in exchange for removing his name from HS's birth certificate. BM lost custody of me when I was 8 after abandoning me because AP didn't want to bring a child that wasn't his to family gatherings. Dad tried to keep it civil so I could have a relationship with HS, but she was a mini-AP and never viewed me as a sister. I didn't like being around her, so my dad never forced me to. BM, AP, and HS moved not long after this - BM had been in childcare and lost her job because no one wants to hire you to watch their kids when you abandon yours in the middle of the night... I haven't seen HS in 17 years. I didn't know what she looked like until I came home today. She was sitting on my porch with a suitcase and a car, I think my grandmother's, pulled off as soon as I parked. I didn't get out of the car, I was too angry to even move and I'm still angry right now. She kept saying she needs me and started crying, telling me that "our mom" was awful, her dad cut contact, and BM's new partner doesn't want her in his house. I live next door to my dad, so when HS started knocking on my car window after I just stared at her, I called him and told him what was going on and ask what I should do. Dad told me to stay in my car and call the cops, say I had a trespasser, which I did. I didn't get out until the cops came and when they did, HS told them I agreed to let her stay and now I'm leaving her homeless. I just showed them the texts, specifically the only texts I gave in response to everyone demanding U let her stay - "no" to you have the space; "no" to she's your sister; "no" to can she PLEASE stay with you. Nothing but refusals before I blocked people. When HS kept saying we're sisters, I told the cops I haven't seen "this woman" in 17 years - I don't know her, I didn't even know what she looked like. We're not family beyond sharing an egg donor. I went as far as unblocking my grandmother and calling her. I didn't even get to speak. She said/yelled - "Look, OP, I love you, but you need to get over this! She's family and she needs you and I've told your father you'd go to hell if he raised you to be so damn selfish and you definitely will because she's going through the same thing you went through!" She hung up right after and I told the cops they can book HS or drop her at a shelter - I don't care. I just want her off my property. They took her and now I'm sitting here on my dad's couch wondering what the hell just happened. He doesn't want me staying alone right now in case they show back up. I'm so pissed right now, I don't get it. 17 damn years of no contact, I only speak to my grandmother on holidays, I don't know most of the aunts and uncles and cousins that blew up my phone, but because BM pushed me out I have to do what they tell me to. I'm 25 years old. I've only had my dad and my paternal family for years. BM and her family haven't done crap for me, none of them even know when my damn birthday is because even my grandmother TEXTS me on the wrong day - not even a phone call. If HS needs help so badly, one of YOU should help her! I don't know her, I don't know any of you either. I'm not letting an entire stranger into my house! And 6 hours is too far to visit when I had surgery, but not too far to try and force me to do something!?   **HawkeyeinDC** *This is crazy. Why is no one on the maternal side stepping up? And how old is this half-sister?* *It also just seems SO bizarre that your maternal grandmother would drive a 12 hour round trip to basically ditch your half-sister with you….* &#x200B; >OOP: She's 24-25, her birthday is close I think. And it is crazy that she drove down here. I know there's far more to this situation and I really don't wanna know. I just want them to leave me be. &#x200B; **HawkeyeinDC** *I know you don’t plan to let her move in with you, but don’t ever change your mind on that. She’ll likely never leave, won’t pay rent/contribute towards costs, and you’d have to legally evict her. Save yourself the headache!* &#x200B; >OOP: The nightmare of an eviction process is part of why I don't like the idea of anyone staying with me tbh. It's 7 nights in a row here for guests to become tenants and the one time a friend of mine let someone stay with her, one week turned into six months of court hearings and damaged property. Definitely gonna save myself the headache. &#x200B; [**Update They dropped her off at my house**](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/17ugc72/update_they_dropped_her_off_at_my_house/) **- 13 November 2023** I checked the camera footage last night/this morning. HS and BM's mother had been looking under mats, rocks, in potted plants, the mailbox, and checking the doors. Probably were looking for a spare - I don't keep one on my property and my dad, grandma, and grandpa have keys they keep with theirs. My uncle did an overhaul of mine and dad's cameras. We now have ones that send notifications to our phones when motion is detected. Also got ring doorbells for the front and back doors. There are other features and all the cameras are better hidden as well. I went to the police department while he was doing this and brought my grandpa with me. HS was booked for trespassing, but not held very long since BM's mother picked her up from the station. They stuck to the lie of me offering HS a place to stay and gave statements. Not sure how that's going to go, but I'm taking steps to protect myself, my property, and my dad and his property. HS doesn't have a record beyond this, so this was her first offense. I don't know how I feel about that tbh. It sounds awful, but I had hoped she would have at least one prior because commenters make it seem like that would make the outcome of a permanent RO and TO favorable. BM's mother DOES have a record though. Harassment, trespassing, and domestic violence. I shared this with the police as well. Either way, I was able to get a temporary restraining order today, so there's that. I gave the camera footage to the police alongside copies of the texts (printed out and on USB), gave a statement, and they called a judge to get the TRO issued. I talked with them about other things like self-defense recommendations, overhauling my security system, getting a gun for protection, and so on. I was really anxious and just kept talking because it finally hit me that these people know where I live and they're willing to make the 6 hours to harass me and get inside my home. The texts and voice-messages haven't stopped (I unblocked and muted). There are direct and indirect threats. BM's mother is adamant that since I have an entire house to myself, a stable job, and no children, I "will" be housing HS or she'd give me the @ss-whopping my dad should've. HS has only left one voice-message about coming over later today and that she's staying with me because "that's what blood does, they help." When there was no response, she sent multiple texts telling me I need to be more understanding, that she's in a tough spot, and that she's moving in "for at least a week" until she's able to support herself (it's 7 days to gain tenancy here). Additional clarification for people asking about the age gap. I'm a February 1st baby, HS is a November 29th baby. I say "exactly" 9 months because I'm not counting the weeks and days - just felt that people knowing we're the same age was relevant and gave context to why I have no relationship with her. I don't know if she was premature. I never asked tbh and there are people saying they have similar gaps around them, so I have nothing to add. Multiple people also asked if I hate HS and that I sound resentful for things she said as a child and for things her parents did. In my first post, I talked to someone in the comments and admitted that had this been a few years earlier, I may have helped HS without much thought. I know as children, she was just parroting her parents. I don't fault her for that nor do I blame her for BM abandoning me. But it's been 17 years. We've been legal adults for 7 of those years. She could've reached out at any point, but didn't and said she had no sister. I also could've reached out at any point, but also didn't. I just moved on with my life - I was in therapy since I was abandoned and it took me years to move on from no one on that side actually wanting me. Now she's making herself a problem. BM's mother aside, HS was sitting on my porch with a suitcase ready to force herself into my home and life. She allowed herself to be driven 6 hours to my home, sat on my porch for half an hour, and then lied to police all after I said no multiple times. She never claimed me until she needed something and now she's forcing herself into my life on the basis of being family. I don't hate her, that's too much energy, but I do resent her now alongside her grandmother and the rest of her family. I was ignored for YEARS and now I feel unsafe in my own home just because HS and those around her can't take "no" for an answer. This isn't about BM's affair, this is about HS and her family ruining my safe space, my home, with their crap. The past is a factor in that resentment now because, again, I haven't spoken to her in 17 years, I didn't know what she looked like, but suddenly we're sisters because she needs someplace to stay. I definitely resent that. Also, I feel validated in my choices - posting to Reddit, asking for and taking advice, listening to my dad. The attorney I spoke to pretty much said all the same things commenters have. Unblocking and muting to get and evidence of harassment. Calling the cops and showing them the messages because it proves there was no implied invitation. This is apparently the biggest thing I had to worry about because even letting HS stay on my porch could've worked against me. Giving the cops the camera footage of HS and BM's mother looking for a spare key was also a good move. Even going about upgrading security, getting self-defense items, and asking the officers about self-defense recommendations and my wish to get a gun for protection works in my favor - it shows that even though this was HS's first offense, I don't feel safe and she's a major cause of that. And I don't. So thank you again for all the advice. If they show up like they said, I'm gonna set off my security system and call the cops. Edit (from a comment) It wasn't "active" \[the TRO\] when I posted the update because they hadn't been served yet. They were found at a hotel near my home and were served (a neighbor saw them and called the police). I was reporting the texts though. The TRO is on both HS and BM's mother. &#x200B; **Comments** >OOP:My neighbors, friends, and family are all on rotation watching the house and I have my grandparents with me. Grandpa is 6'2", carries at all times, and is pretty intimidating (in the opinion of others at least). My dad is similar alongside my uncle and a friend that's gonna sleepover tonight. > >The signs are now up and was part of the lawyer's advice, so you definitely have the right idea! Cease and desists have also been filed for everyone else harassing me and so far, no one's showing up on my property like they said they would. Hopefully it stays that way   [**Concern cousin on HS**](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/17uq3lk/concern_cousin_on_hs/) **- 13th November 2023** Was going through the first messages sent to me and found one of the many I muted without reading. This is from a cousin of HS. Note - the order of info was edited to be better understood. A lot was blocks of text, so I tried to put it in order. AP cut contact with HS when she was 20. She covered BM's affair with Rando. AP stopped paying her tuition and cut her off financially. HS's work history is non-existent She was kicked out by BM a month ago because she was sleeping with Rando and one of his sons. Said son turned 18 two months ago. HS came home to hers and Rando's things on the curb and all the locks changed. Police weren't involved. The cousin doesn't know if BM told the boy's mother, but she did tell the entire family. Essentially said "protect you kids and marriage." HS claims she only slept with him on his birthday, but BM claims he was a minor when HS slept with him. The family is adamant about getting her somewhere safe to stay long-term because HS is pregnant. No one likes her, but believe abandoning her is wrong due to her pregnancy. The cousin expresses doubt about the pregnancy. HS showed GM a positive pregnancy test, but no one else has been given any proof. HS has a history of lying. HS couch-surfed with those that don't have kids. So far she's - "borrowed" someone's car without permission; taken expensive items to pawn; taken money meant for interview clothes and travel then blew it on expensive "mom and baby" outfits. When cops are involved, she lies and has gotten someone arrested by claiming SA when they tried to have her removed from their property. The plot to get HS into my house was the idea of an uncle (one of GM's three sons). GM apparently brags/complains about me being young with no kids, a well-paid job, and a house I own. Essentially, this uncle said I had no responsibilities, disposable income, and plenty of room. Because no one wants to outright abandon HS, this was the "best plan." The cousin - "don't give a inch not even a ride to a shelter. Someone tried and she caused a scene nearly got them arrested because she kept lying about the situation. Please read this I read your two posts stay safe."   **Comments** **7thatsanope** *Great job of the cousin filling in these outrageous blanks. Wow.* **indiajeweljax** *OP should keep in touch with this cousin to see what else is coming. Surely they aren’t done yet.* &#x200B; **GhoulishHoney** *I figured there was a pregnancy involved when there was talk of meeting the minimum number of days for tenancy. They want her to stay long enough that you can't force her out quickly, making it likely that she has the baby (if actually pregnant), and how could you possibly kick out the baby? OP, please protect yourself as I think this is only the beginning of it.* &#x200B; **StageHandRed** *Honest worry about your holiday plans. I wouldn't leave your house/travel for Thanksgiving or Christmas, and be ready for her to make a scene on one of those days and try to get into the house if you have guests. Or porch pirate you stuff. Stay safe OP. We're rooting for you.* &#x200B; >OOP: Definitely preparing for that. I've read all of camper nomad's posts and the potential lengths HS and GM may go is scary af. My grandma (the real one) brought this up herself and suggested we just have it here. That way if they pop up around holidays, all of us are present and ready for the bs. Thank you &#x200B; [**Update - I'm alive and well**](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/17v3zja/update_im_alive_and_well/) **- 14th November 2023** No major updates today. Texts and calls have all stopped, my entire neighborhood is on alert, and the family rotation continues. One of my friends stayed last night and a different friend agreed to stay tonight. Today will be spent with my aunt (the one with the keychain and fisticuff bracelet) and grandma. No one showed up at my house in the middle of the night. I'm following the advice of multiple people, the first being about making an "FU" binder. [https://www.reddit.com/u/ForwardPlenty/s/eH1RTLp63G](https://www.reddit.com/u/ForwardPlenty/s/eH1RTLp63G) My aunt suggested making transcripts of all the saved voice-messages, which I think is a pretty good addition to this to go along with the USB drive of them. So that'll be part of what I do today. The second piece of advice I have saved is about documenting every day, even if nothing happens, in a spiral notebook. I started on this immediately. [https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/RlrOlGYBn0](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/s/RlrOlGYBn0) Will also be recording when I go to and from work or anywhere tbh. Also, multiple people on the door screws - that was among the first things done when I brought the house! And my windows were all changed on purchase as well. They're impact windows, so it'll take a lot of effort to break them. My uncle has always been big on home safety, so he did all of that with me. Even though I'm next door to my dad and fairly close to the rest of the family, he always says I'm still a woman alone in a house - you can never be too safe. I feel a bit better with all the advice offered. If anyone is having similar trouble, take the advice offered in the comments. It really helped and I'm grateful for all the help. Holiday vacations has officially been canceled and refunded (always invest in travel insurance!) A lot of stories shared with me have me on edge about leaving my home unattended. My neighbors offered to watch my house, but I'd feel more comfortable being present if something happens. So this year I'm gonna be hosting Thanksgiving and potentially Christmas. My grandma suggested this and she's getting really into it, so today might also be shopping for decorations. Thank you guys again! &#x200B; **Comments** **Keldin145014** *Only thing Paranoid!Me worries is that they'll use the Thanksgiving party (either preparing for or day of) to gain entrance.* &#x200B; >OOP: Same here. It's why my grandma is adamant about having it at my place tbh. That way if anyone tries anything, my whole family is present. &#x200B; **Straysmom** *I'm sorry that you have to be so vigilant, just because of some entitled aka crazy "family" members. Would taking that whole mess that your cousin sent via text to the police help at all? If there was an investigation opened, she might find herself in extremely hot water.* >OOP: If anything comes from my talks with my cousin, I'll definitely make an update. Don't wanna put out any info on it since HS is apparently a lurker on my posts **RustySax** *IF, and it's a questionable IF, HS is, indeed pregnant, and if, indeed, the sperm donor was Rambo's son, and if, indeed, Rambo's son was under 18 at the time of conception, there are many jurisdictions where law enforcement would be VERY interested in this situation. Which could also very quickly solve your problem at the same time.* &#x200B; **\*\*Small Update from OOP within 7 day timeframe of posting as per BoRU rules\*\*** &#x200B; **[Happy Turkey Day!](https://www.reddit.com/user/Specialist-Ball9777/comments/182h2jb/happy_turkey_day/?share_id=Sp_zaadUlGpWL90aJAB7A&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - 24th November 2023** Hi everyone, happy Thanksgiving! My day went well. There were no surprise visitors, no calls or texts, and no real updates on anything. I'm probably not gonna post anymore unless something happens. Thank you to everyone asking for updates on my safety - everything's fine, but I'm staying vigilant regardless. &#x200B; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

AITAH for not helping my half-sister after she was kicked out?

ONGOING

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/180soo5/aitah_for_not_helping_my_halfsister_after_she_was/

180ysyp

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ThrowRA_Narcdil **Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole **AITA for expecting to meet my grandchild?** Trigger Warnings: >!pregnancy and drug abuse, exploitation, pregnancy-related surgery!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14fhcla/aita_for_expecting_to_meet_my_grandchild/) - **June 21, 2023** My (42) son (Jay - 18) is having a baby with his girlfriend (Kate - 18). I will be honest in saying I don’t think they are ready for this. They have been together for less than a year, but she is due in July. Obviously I know that things happen, so we are doing our best to embrace it. I’m excited to meet this new little person. Anyways, Kate’s family is uninvolved – they honestly weren’t great parents to begin with, but when they found out they kicked their pregnant 17 year old to the streets. My son and her were living with me until 2 weeks ago when they got their first apartment – I am extremely proud of them. We had a room set up for the baby, but since they got their own place, I let them take all the baby items I purchased. I mean a fully furnished nursery, and then of course everything from the shower – that baby isn’t going to be wanting for much. Well, the baby is breech. They have tried everything to get that baby to turn, but nothing! So, they have an C-section scheduled for July 3rd assuming the baby doesn’t flip\she goes into labor. I requested this day off of work, and then asked my son and Kate if they would like me to pick them up or if they planned to have my son drive them. My son was confused and told me that he would drive them, why would I drive them? I told him I was just offering, and told him I’d be in the waiting room waiting for her to get out of surgery. Then Kate jumped in and said they weren’t having any visitors at the hospital. She said she needed time to heal, and they wanted to bond with the baby. She said it would just be the two of them and her sister. I’ll admit I was pretty taken aback – I mean, I feel like as the grandparent I’m closer then the aunt – but whatever. I said okay because I didn’t want to fight, and said I would be waiting at their house. Kate jumped back in and said the only visitor they would be having was her older sister. She said she would be in pain, bleeding, and trying to breastfeed, and that she wanted privacy to do that. She also said that I never got my TDAP booster (which I don’t need as I had it maybe 5 years ago when I had to go to the ER for a cut), so I couldn’t come until the baby had its first shots or I got the shot. I pointed out to her if she didn’t have a vaginal birth that she wouldn’t be bleeding and it would just be a surgery recovery and she could stay in the bedroom and relax and my son could bring her the baby when its hungry. She told me that ‘nobody was taking her newborn from her’. Lots of other things were said, and I feel extremely taken advantage of. I sheltered and provided for her and my son and I didn’t have to - plus I gifted them a lot. I now see a lot of other narc tendencies from her, and I feel like its WWIII with my poor boy caught in the middle. I don’t feel like an asshole, but she and my son are saying I am. AITA? Edit to add: 1. I'm a man. 2. I see now that I have been the ass in several ways, so I'm going to just apologize to keep the peace and accept that I'll have to wait. **VERDICT: ASSHOLE** &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **nkbee:** INFO: What does Jay's mother have to say about all of this? >**OP:** She passed away almost 2 years ago. **ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT JAY'S MOTHER** >**OP:** No. My wife was pregnant unexpectedly and her and our daughter died due to complications surrounding her high risk (geriatric) pregnancy. This is part of the reason I suspected (but wrongly assumed) that they would want me at the hospital (NOT the delivery room). > >We had no support from our families when my son was born an he's gone through a rough few years. I just wanted them to be supported as much as possible. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17ul3tm/update_to_aita_for_wanting_to_meet_my_grandson/) - **Nov 13, 2023** Update to AITA for wanting to meet my grandson Hello again, Reddit. So much has happened since I made this post, that I honestly forgot about it until today when someone commented on my post and I got an email about it. My son and his ex had a beautiful baby delivered via c-section. About a week before the baby was born my son found out that her sister ghosted her for unknown reasons. He told her that he wanted me involved because he was worried about lack of support. She told him I was never allowed to be involved because "if she had no family to be around the baby then he couldn't either". My son went back and forth with her where she admitted to trying to make me look overbearing to him so he would cut me off without her asking. My son and her had a huge argument and he called me after. I told him to calm down, remember she's very pregnant and needs his support and is probably scared. He took my advice and they put a plug in the argument and made up. In the hospital the baby tested positive for substances. My son called me and asked me to come to the hospital because social services was obviously involved and he was terrified. My DIL admitted to using during her pregnancy, and I immediately got an attorney for my son. Thankfully the baby is healthy, and we were able to take him home with us after spending 2 weeks in the hospital and having an emergency hearing and multiple home visits. His ex isn't allowed around the baby, and my son moved in with me because we didn't know if there was substances in the apartment and obviously didn't trust her. I paid for the lease to be broken, and we have no idea where she is. Her family has reached out, though. They have interest in meeting the baby, but my son doesn't want them to at this point. They are being somewhat understanding of that but are still contacting him - they're not being forceful, just telling him they want to meet the baby and asking what they need to do. So, that's where we're at. I'm still so incredibly proud of my son, and grateful to be a part of my grandchilds life, but my heart breaks for both of them. None the less, I will continue to support them in any way physically possible. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **ParsimoniousSalad:** I agree. They should be independently investigated. (edit: I mean, IF son wants to consider bringing them into contact) >**OP:** From my understanding there is a process they will have to go through should my son decide to let them. I believe a background check and a drug test, but I could be wrong. We will make sure to cross that bridge correctly if the time comes. **slap-a-frap:** Her family has reached out, though. They have interest in meeting the baby, but my son doesn't want them to at this point. Why are they NOW showing interest in the baby when they kicked the minor mother(their fucking daughter) out of their own home?!?! They need to address that if they want to meet the child. >**OP:** They've said that they were in shock about their 17 year old being pregnant and not knowing how to really react. However my son has told me they always treated his ex/their daughter poorly compared to her siblings so I have a fear they're hoping to take over parenting. > >They always seemed disappointing when she and my son were making strides in the right direction. They just don't seem like great parents. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

AITA for expecting to meet my grandchild?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/180ysyp/aita_for_expecting_to_meet_my_grandchild/

18108rm

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/ThrwayAurorasMom](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrwayAurorasMom/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and r/entitledparents **Mood Spoiler:** >!mostly happy ending!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17rgpgj/aita_for_refusing_to_change_my_daughters_clothes/)**: November 9, 2023** I (34F) have two kids (8M & 4F). My daughter's name is Aurora. My husband (36M) and I chose that name because it was slightly similar to my late FIL's, and worked well with our last names. It had nothing to do with the princess from *Sleeping Beauty*. In spite of that, we've had fun with that movie in the past, and ever since my daughter realized that she shared names with a Disney character, Princess Aurora has been her favorite. Our family went to Disney World in July, and while there, we bought my daughter a Princess Aurora costume. She adores it, and wears it whenever she has the chance. Two weeks ago, one of Aurora's friends from school threw a princess-themed birthday party. She encouraged her friends to wear costumes. My daughter wanted to go as her favorite character, which didn't surprise me at all. When we got to the party, the birthday girl came to greet my daughter, and she was also dressed as Princess Aurora. I didn't know what her costume was going to be prior to the party. I got worried for a second, but the birthday girl was actually really excited. She said that they looked like twins. It was adorable. They ran off to play and I forgot about the costumes for a while. About 30 minutes into the party, I was at a table with some of the other moms when the birthday girl's mother came up to me. She asked if I had brought any spare clothes for Aurora. I said yes (I always bring an extra shirt and shorts for her). She then asked me to change my daughter into the spare clothes and out of her costume. The mother explained that she'd hired a photographer to walk around taking pictures of the kids, and was also planning on getting a group photo near the end of the party. She didn't want anyone wearing the same costume as her daughter in these pictures. She also thought her daughter might get jealous, since my kid gets to share her name with their favorite princess. Now, if the birthday girl was the one who had a problem, I might've considered changing Aurora into her spare clothes. But no, she was genuinely excited they were dressed the same. It also didn't feel fair to force my daughter to be the only one without a costume in a party full of children in princess dresses. I said no and explained my reasoning to the girl's mom. She insisted for a few minutes, but I held my ground. Some of the other moms started to back me up, and she eventually got up and left. When I went to pick up my kids earlier this week, I ran into her friend's mom. She accused me of ruining her daughter's party by allowing Aurora to wear the same costume as her. She told me she doesn't think she'll ever be able to look at the pictures without being disgusted by my behavior. I thought she was exaggerating, but I'm starting to doubt myself. Our conflict has found its way to the mom group chat we're both in, and opinions over there are divided. Some think having two girls wear the same costume is no big deal, others think I should have changed my daughter's clothes. ***Relevant Comments:*** *OOP clarifies:* "If the birthday girl was upset, I would have changed my daughter. I might have even driven home, changed her into her Merida dress (her second favorite) and then back to the party. But that's not what happened, and both were really excited." *The other princesses/were there duplicates:* "There were only two Auroras (my daughter and the birthday girl). Besides them, there were (I think) three Elsas, three Ariels, two Jasmines and two Belles. There were also some princesses that only "appeared" once. EDIT: I checked the group photo (BG's mom sent it to the group chat). There were 20 girls: * 3 Elsas (one was from the second movie), Ariels (two were live-action Ariels) and Belles (hadn't seen one of them at the party); * 2 Auroras (my daughter and BG), Jasmines and Cinderellas; * 1 Snow White, Tiana, Moana and Anna (the latter being the toddler sister of one of the Elsas). Of these 20 girls, I only knew 12 (the ones who go to school with my daughter and the toddler). I'm assuming the other 8 were friends from out of school or related to the birthday girl. I also forgot to point out that the party wasn't held at the birthday girl's house. It was one of those kids party venues." *FIL's name:* "I thought someone was going to ask that. Our family is Brazilian. In some regions of Brazil, the names given to people born before the 50s are... not exactly common anymore." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/17v6rd8/another_mom_tried_to_make_me_change_my_daughters/)**: November 14, 2023 (5 days later)** Hey everyone! Thank you for assuring me that I did the right thing. This might get a little long. Since my post on Thursday (two days after the mom group started debating), three things happened: **1-** On Friday, my husband went to pick up the kids. The parents of one of my son's friends (who have a younger son in my daughter's class) asked if he knew about the costume fiasco (or as my friends are calling it, "AuroraGate"). I had told him everything. He said the birthday girl's mother was being ridiculous, as I had no idea what her daughter's costume would be. The mom he was talking to asked, "Wait, she didn't know?" She called me, and I told her my side. Turns out BG's mom told people that I had been informed about the costume (and to avoid dressing Aurora the same) weeks prior to the party. The story was warped before it even got to the group chat. My side of the story made it to the group chat. After some pressure, BG's mom eventually confessed she'd lied about me. Most of the other moms had apologized to me by Sunday. **2-** Also apologizing to us on Sunday were BG's father and maternal grandmother (she's visiting them for a few weeks). Apparently, BG's mom had been complaining about the party almost daily. Since they got the photos back, BG's mom has been insisting that "there isn't a single good picture of her daughter without another girl wearing the same costume" (Aurora and BG were playing together most of the party). She was especially upset about the group photo, which shows BG in the center and my daughter to her right. There are two girls between them, but she still thinks they're too close to each other. BG's dad had been listening to these complaints since the party. He told us that unless his daughter was in the room, he couldn't look at the pictures without his wife making a comment about me, my daughter or how we "ruined BG's birthday." It came to a head on Saturday. While talking with the grandmother after BG went to bed, the mother said she no longer wanted to make a photo album of the party. They'd gotten a photographer for both album and social media purposes. Both BG's dad and her grandmother wanted the album. The three had a fight that lasted about 15 minutes before the grandmother told BG's mom to "stop obsessing over her daughter's friend". She said all that matters is that BG had fun, and all of the photos reflect that. They told us all that when they called to apologize. They wanted BG's mom to apologize too. She hasn't. **3-** Aurora came home from school yesterday wearing a headband with her name and a rose embroidered on it. BG had her grandmother make it for her. Me and my husband are still in contact with the birthday girl's father, and we're trying to set up a playdate for the girls next week. Also, there are some things I want to clarify about my previous post: * My daughter and the birthday girl aren't physically similar. Aurora has wavy brown hair, BG has straight blonde hair. We're all caucasian, but my daughter is more tan. * Their dresses weren't the exact same. I posted the links to my daughter's costume and one that's similar to the birthday girl's dress in a comment on my last post. **(editor's note-** [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17rgpgj/aita_for_refusing_to_change_my_daughters_clothes/k8j6uan/?context=3)**)** * The party was held at a kids party venue, not the birthday girl's place. * There were 19 girls and a toddler at the party. All were in costume. * There were a few boys, but they were older (I'm guessing they were related to the birthday girl). * I was never friends with the birthday girl's mom. Her request at the party was probably the third time we ever talked, and the first that wasn't about the weather. * The birthday girl's mother didn't want me to change my daughter's clothes just for the group photo at the end, she wanted me to change her 30 minutes into the party for ALL the pictures. * I mentioned in a comment that if the birthday girl had a problem with my daughter's costume, I might be willing to drive home, change Aurora into her Merida dress (her second favorite) and then return to the party. But I want to stress I'd only do that if *the birthday girl* was upset when we got to the party, not if her mother was annoyed half an hour later. By then, my daughter was already playing with BG and her friends. * To those who said I could change Aurora at the party and/or use this as a teaching moment, I'm going to assume you've never met a 4yo. My daughter is kind-hearted and would definitely do it to make her friend happy, but she'd still view this as punishment. It's also cruel to take a child away from a party and tell them they can no longer play princess with their friends. I refuse to alienate or upset my daughter when she's done nothing wrong. I absolutely don't regret my decision. And that's it. Once again, thank you all! ***Relevant Comments:*** *...She hired a photographer for social media pictures?* "It's not completely uncommon at my kids' school (though most do it for photo albums). I never did so for any of my children's parties, though. We made scrapbooks for some of their birthdays with pictures taken by those who attended (and us, of course)." *Tiara on the birthday girl?* "She was wearing a tiara, actually. It fell off during the party, but she put it back on for the group photo." *This comment just made me laugh:* "My daughter's go-to non-costume outfit is her brother's old batman shirt and a purple skirt. Kids actually have a better sense of fashion than many adults."

AITA for refusing to change my daughter's clothes at a birthday party?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18108rm/aita_for_refusing_to_change_my_daughters_clothes/

1811arn

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/throwra-disappearw **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest **My (M50) wife (F48) abandoned me two months ago to find herself.** Trigger Warnings: >!mentions of dementia, infidelity, financial abuse, emotional abuse, theft!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17i5b7x/my_m50_wife_f48_abandoned_me_two_months_go_to/?share_id=G8EJtvXsJtUqgJDU_DnB5&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Oct 27, 2023** My wife Mary’s family has a history of dementia, developing memory issues in their mid to late 50s. Her mom, grandmother and several other relatives on her mom’s side have developed dementia. Her mom lived with us for four years until earlier this year (father is dead). Our kids are independent and out of the house. Oldest is in her last semester of college and the younger enlisted. The last four years were tough on us, our kids (daughter moved for college but moved back for a bit during Covid), and our marriage. Living with someone with dementia is brutal. We had talked a lot the last year about taking the remaining college funds, our regular savings, sell or rent the house (we were ready to downsize anyway), quit our jobs and travel for a year or until the money runs out. We just had to wait for her mom to move into a home. I understand her anxiety about developing dementia and I was burned out. You live through Covid working remote, a wife working remote, a college and high school student taking remote classes, and a MIL with dementia and see how you hold up. Space finally opened up and we were able to move her mom into a care facility, I finally thought I had a chance to breathe. When we moved Mary’s mom out, Mary’s mental health took huge downward spiral. I went from caring for her mom to caring for her. She felt guilty about putting her mom in a home and had lots of anxiety about developing dementia. Our plan was to start our traveling summer 2024. Two months ago I get home and she’s left a note (my friends call it exhibit A). Basically she was going on our trip without me. She had quit her job, took most of the savings, and wasn’t sure when she’d be back. Maybe a year, maybe sooner. She “knew I’d understand”. Her location is turned off and my calls go directly to vm. I texted the kids a picture of the note. We have our own checking accounts for direct deposits of our paychecks but we’d transfer most into a joint account to pay the household bills and savings. We both had access to main savings account. We have joint credit cards we used for household expenses. The two cars and mortgage are joint. We both also have our own small savings accounts, our own retirement accounts (equally funded) and our own credit cards for gifts and fun things. I closed all joint cards and accounts. I waited a month to see if she’d come back (hopefully before she spent our savings). After receiving only one text the first month, I went to a lawyer. She basically said there was very little to do right now, other than change the beneficiaries of my retirement accounts and life insurance (yay, my wife gets nothing else if I die alone while she’s having our adventures). It was only a month and there was no way to serve her papers. My lawyer advised me to keep paying the mortgage and the cars. The cost of trying to get a judge to approve the sale of joint assets was more than making payments. I didn’t want to ruin my credit by letting one of our car get repossessed, but I can’t sell it because she’s on the title. I get random texts and she sporadically posts on Instagram (of course she has comments turned off). I want to block her so bad, but my lawyer advised me that it’s better to maintain a communication channel that’s not through our kids. Her last post was from Hawaii. She put in the comments how great a husband I was for letting her take this trip. I’m barely making it paying two cars, a mortgage, household bills, insurance, hoping there are no emergencies because I have no savings…and she’s enjoying our trip. F’her. I’m so pissed at her, I helped take care of her mom for four years, and her when she fell apart after her mom moved into a memory care home, and she returns the favor by abandoning me. I’ll never get to take this trip and have to put off retirement. My only solace is the kids are pissed at her, but they’ll probably forgive her eventually. Double F’ her. I’m no fool, she’s hooking up with guys. She looks good, she’ll have zero problem getting men. I texted her and asked if she was sleeping around, a week later she responded that she wasn’t (sure 🙄). So, I’m drinking alone on a Friday night and she’s somewhere, probably on a beach, enjoying life. Triple F’ her. Edit: corrected typos Edit 2: my lawyer has given me a bunch of advice and options, it was just way more than I could possibly include in this post.I could definitely push the issue harder, and I might need to at some point, but all that work is very expensive. Finding her, serving her, getting a judge to sign off, that’s not cheap. I’m following up soon and I plan on talking about the savings and my finances. Until I paid all the bills and realized how little was left it didn’t hit me that I had to worry about money. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **King_of_Leprechauns:** Thanking you for letting her take this trip is basically her saying “when I get through living the single life, I’ll be coming back to the comfort and security of married life.” When she returns, I’d say “Welcome home, here are your walking papers.” >**OP:** She 100% is under the delusion that she’s coming back to a marriage. She’s had a few conversations with our daughter and she’s convinced I’ll understand and forgive her. **Naive_Subject_65:** Tell your daughter to pass along the message that you’re filing for divorce for abandonment and see if this gets you some traction. I don’t generally like the idea of going through kids, but they need to have your back on this. Maybe even tell her they’ll cut her off as well if she keeps doing this to you and the family. Maybe even start posting about how she’s living the good life and letting your friends and family know what kind of pickle this has put you in. Everyone probably assumes you’re on board if you’re not purposefully driving the true narrative. >**OP:** She only hears what she wants. I asked her to send me an address to serve her papers. She only told me that we’ll work it out when she comes home (the f we will). My daughter tells her all the pain she’s causing, but she just says that she only has 5-10 years left until she gets dementia. It’s impossible to know if she’ll even develop dementia, but shouldn’t she be spending this with her family? &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17un86y/update_my_m50_wife_f48_abandoned_me_two_months/) - **Nov 13, 2023** An update from my original post. I’m feeling much more positive now that the financial situation has become a little more manageable (basically I’m running up debt that will get paid off when I sell the house). Even with lawyer fees I have 6-8 more months before I have to worry about money (assuming there are no emergencies). My friend’s wife gave me some good advice. Don’t go from being a hero to a villain in your kid’s eyes. How I talk about and treat my wife will determine my future relationship with my kids. I don’t give a damn about my wife, but I don’t want to make her a sympathetic figure or drive them away from both of us. I followed up with the lawyer, basically she said we’re going to have her “payback” the savings she took through a reduction in her share of the assets. Any division of assets will include the savings she took. She’ll also have to repay the money I spent maintaining the household while she was gone. There is plenty of equity in her share of the house and her retirement plans to cover that. She said that our finances are so intertwined after nearly 25 years of marriage, my wife is going to get some share of the assets. Best case is she agrees to the terms of the divorce and it’s relatively cheap and quick. Otherwise it gets complicated and expensive. She gave me a lot of options and how much I can expect to spend, so I decided to just mostly wait. I got a couple of credit cards with promo rates for purchases and transfers, that gives me breathing room and I can conserve cash. I’ll just pay them off when I sell the house. Now that my financial situation is less stressful, I’m actually enjoying her being gone. I’m free to do whatever I want, whenever. I don’t have to cook or clean or take care of anyone. The house is quiet for the first time I can remember. I loved my wife, but her mental health weighed down our marriage. On balance it was worth it until now. The first month or so I expected her to be there whenever I’d get home. When someone was at the door or if I heard noises I’d think it was her. I’d check doorbell cam obsessively. I’m not looking forward to her returning. It has to happen, but when she comes back I’ll have to deal with her, the divorce, getting the house ready to sell, dividing all our stuff, finding a new place to live. I’m hoping she’ll stay away until after New Years but my daughter said she thinks her mom will be home for Christmas (either to stay or visit). My lawyer will have papers ready to serve her. Hopefully she’ll just agree to the terms and continue her travels. People had some great advice - Renting or selling the house: not really feasible right now since I’d have to fix some stuff and get it ready to sell/rent. Since I need a place to live the amount I net each month (rent - mortgage - rent on an new apartment - storage unit = not worth it). My kid’s rooms are still full of their stuff and I don’t want to spend the time and effort to clear them out and put them in storage. Getting a HELOC: this was great advice, I didn’t realize I didn’t need both people to get a loan. If I need more money I can go this way. In the short term the promo rates on the credit cards were cheaper and easier than getting a heloc. Serving my wife divorce papers or getting a divorce in absentia: This is something I might need to do eventually, but the cost in lawyer fees goes up exponentially in cases like this. I’m comfortable just waiting for now. Look at the phone bill to see where she’s at and possibly going: I did look at her usage and did notice that she doesn’t post on social media until after she leaves a place. Like when she posted about Hawaii she made a call that day that originated in Los Angeles. She posted about a cruise and I figured out the dates (trying to serve her at the port possibly) but it ended a couple of days before she posted. She tried adding international calling to her line but I blocked it so she removed her phone from our account. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **z-eldapin:** Oh my gosh I am infuriated on your behalf. The audacity of ' my husband is so great for letting me take this trip'. The petty in me hopes she'll be home for Thanksgiving because I want her world to explode. >**OP:** She’s told her family she won’t be home for Thanksgiving. Nobody told her my daughter and I are spending Thanksgiving with her family, though. She can see the posts of us having a good time without her. **Oldgal_misspt:** Please change the locks on the house so she can’t just waltz back in while you are out one day. I’m so angry for you. I’ve been married for 23 years and if my husband did this to me, god help anyone between me and him… >**OP:** She left her keys. I changed the code on the security system, the passphrase, and password. I also found a new hiding place for the emergency key we had in the backyard. **lovebeinganasshole:** So she’s just going to blow through all the money and then assumes you’ll take her back and care for her when dementia hits her? >**OP:** Seems to be her plan, but it’s not mine. &nbsp; **With mods' permission - adding the update here.** [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwra-disappearw/comments/18b36ca/update_my_m50_wife_f48_abandoned_me_two_months/) - **December 4, 2023** Edit 12/4 - nothing much has changed. Went to the in-laws with my daughter for Thanksgiving. It went well, everyone was nice and tried to apologize for their daughter/sister/cousin/niece. I told them it’s not their responsibility, I just appreciated them taking us in, it meant a lot to my daughter to be there. I posted this to my profile in case my update gets deleted. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

My (M50) wife (F48) abandoned me two months ago to find herself.

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1811arn/my_m50_wife_f48_abandoned_me_two_months_ago_to/

1811ay3

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Big-Sherbet1333 **Trouble with only employee, headed to mediation, how to keep my head on straight** **Originally posted to** r/managers **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/managers/s/kQE625dw69)  **Oct 5, 2023** I work for a non-profit and when I started as leader of one of the program areas, the program had essentially collapsed after a leadership change and there was only one employee, a new hire who started 3 months prior to my hiring, who acts as .5  admin to my team and .5 to the "front desk." The new hire is not trained in the program area and is there to provide clerical support (we deal with youth, so there is confidentiality/legal/insurance paperwork to handle); her job is to stay at the front of the office as an overall administrative assistant (to the non-profit, not my program) and when not occupied with that, she's meant to do clerical work for my team. I pay half her salary from my team budget. From the very first day, this person has been extremely challenging to work with. As there had been no one on the team, there was no one to set boundaries with her, so she thought of herself as the team lead. Once I started, she was immediately upset when I "took work away" from her (her words); I recognize that and said I did indeed take work, as this is a team and we need to share responsibilities. She also struggles to multitask so a lot of things needed to be done. She asked me to give her task lists each week and I've done that, but she always finds a way to make a simple task (literally print signs was one task) a bigger problem. I answer her questions quickly and with logic (for example, she changed the font on the printed signs that I asked for, so I asked her to reprint as we have to be ADA compliant, and I explained compliance, which has already been taught to her several times). This is where I know I fuck up: I am very direct and will answer her questions without compliments, etc; I am not going to thank her for making a task more complicated than it needs to be. I will just ask for what I need, say thanks when it's done, and that's her job/my job. She often pouts or sulks when I ask her not to do something--I ALWAYS make sure to explain that it's outside the scope of work and that it's not a bad idea, just not something we can pursue, but she seems to take it personally. I've been spending my time trying to figure out what worked for the program, what didn't, and what happened to cause the collapse--higher level strategy. In the meantime, I've struggled to manage the employee as I'm NOT her direct supervisor (that's the office admin supervisor) and when I tell her something, she goes to other employees to ask to "double check" that I'm right. For context, I have experience and knowledge and a masters degree in this programming area. She will waste 2-3 other people's time only to get the same/similar answers. I have also overheard her THREE TIMES gossiping about me, mainly that she thinks I don't know anything and that I make choices too quickly. The people she's gossiping/complaining to are all just sounding boards, not really responding, which at least feels better. I've been speaking with my director about how to manage this person. I've been begging for help and professional development. Frankly, managing her takes up far more time than I find worth it and I've gotten to the point where I would like her removed from clerical work for my team. I have a new hire starting soon and I need to address the behavior so it doesn't create a bad team dynamic. Director recommended "norming" to create better boundaries within each role, so I tried that, but it turned into a major mess. The employee said she didn't feel heard--I apologized to her, genuinely as I know my sense of urgency can make some people feel steamrolled sometimes--but I also told her that I feel like I can't trust her due to the gossip and the distrust she has had a part in creating. I asked that we apologize to each other, to which she refused, so I had to get the director to come in to mediate as I could not continue the meeting; I told the director that I can't move forward until we acknowledge the harmful behavior we've BOTH contributed to. The director, a trained mediator, spent 20 minutes laying groundwork and I apologized, recognized the behavior that harmed her, promised forbearance, and assured that I'm genuinely trying to work on things...and she refused to acknowledge that she contributed negatively at all. The director ended the meeting because we weren't going to get anywhere, and now we have to go to mediation with HR tomorrow morning to create a working agreement. I love the program that I'm trying to rebuild. I love the position I'm in. I get along with all the other teams at this non-profit, I collaborate well, I know I'm doing a good job. But I truly cannot manage this person. I cannot work with passive aggressive behavior that only becomes more aggressive when I ask for it to stop. I'm terrified that I'm going to be let go—the director has outright told me that it reflects poorly on me that I can't manage one .5 person—because one person, who I didn't even get to choose for my team, is refusing to work within boundaries I've tried to set. What am I supposed to do here? How do I go into HR mediation tomorrow knowing that I may be on the chopping block due to my failure to manage this employee? Please help. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/managers/s/7Py0UYhKcJ)  **Oct 6, 2023** Previous post described difficulty managing half-time employee that I do not supervise; mediation ended after a tense 2 hours and we have created a Work Agreement that is essentially a PIP for both of us. I do have to say that her actions during the mediation exposed a lot of her problematic behavior (interrupting me during "uninterrupted speaking time", rolling her eyes, huffing/expressively sighing, needing to get the last word) so I do feel a lot of validation that at least it's obvious that she is part of the problem. We outlined what we need from each other and how to communicate it. So now we have an agreement where we have guidelines to accept/receive feedback, not gossip, etc. I am going to make sure I meet every point, but I'm also going to be keeping a lookout for other jobs as I saw one in my field with a base salary that's 10k over what I currently make; I'm underpaid and I was okay with it because I really do care about my program and the people it serves but I recognize the potential for toxicity here. As much as I feel put on a PIP (even if it's not called that),  I'm basically also using this as an improvement plan for the non-profit, where if they don't support my needs as a program leader, I can cut my losses. We also discussed the joint supervision nature of the admin's position and how I need to be able to provide her with feedback even if she's not my direct report on paper and this was agreed upon by HR, so now I will be giving her direct feedback, although she has stated she's "uncomfortable" meeting with me 1:1 so our 1:1s have to have her supervisor in the room physically. So there's that. I don't know you guys. To answer a few questions: yes I am female and all the people involved are female, although I like to think the gender-aspect of the dynamic is that many women don't learn direct communication and it results in a lot of indirect/passive aggressive behaviors, so it's scary or intimidating when another woman (myself) is directly asking for another person to do something. It sounds silly, but it's also a work culture thing; my field is incredibly direct and we have all been taught to give/receive feedback in a quick, efficient way to improve overall, which means "soft skills" get overlooked, so I recognize that I need to work on those in order to serve the program, which is more of an applied use of my skillset overall. TL;DR - created working agreement, not fired, keeping an open mind about other work though [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/managers/s/Xi8WwhAXXM)  **Nov 10, 2023** **FINAL UPDATE: Trouble with only employee, headed to mediation, how to keep my head on straight** Previous posts backstory: Previous posts described difficulty managing half-time employee that I did not supervise; escalated to mediation, which ended in creating a Work Agreement that essentially acted as a PIP as we both had to meet the terms. ....and she was let go this week. For breaking the agreement terms. It was a huge red flag for our director when the problem employee no-showed to the meeting to sign the agreement—she "forgot"—then apparently she broke the agreement pretty much immediately. I have no idea what terms she broke, as I was not informed and HR was insistent that I stay as far away from it as possible. Apparently HR performed an investigation over the last few weeks and on Tuesday this week, I was told that the employee was being released that day. I was asked to stay in my office while it was happening, which I did. After an hour, I texted another program leader (also informed about it that morning) to ask if it was safe to come out, and he texted back that **the employee stayed to eat her lunch**. She was fired, then sat in the conference room alone eating her lunch for an hour, then finally left. I continue to be baffled by this person. It's quite literally the strangest behavior I've ever experienced. It's not my problem anymore, but seriously, what. the. fuck? After I was finally able to leave my office, I had to message the stakeholders about the staffing change and had to begin the paperwork to rehire. It felt really fast, like I barely had time to process, but it was fine. The good news is that the director listened to my needs and  I was firm that the prior shared supervision did not work. Now the new position will be fully under my program, with minimal 'front desk' coverage (they still need someone to sit at the front desk in afternoons, which I am fine with, as long as I can hire someone under the program who understands the youth work we do and the sensitive nature of the non-profit we work for). I also hired for the full-time position and that person started last week, so we'll have a small team once I fill this position and we can rebuild our program. Still cautiously optimistic, as I feel like things went too far with this person for too long and it has made me lose some trust in leadership. TL:DR - troublesome employee was released, I am hiring for the position fully under my department (no more shared supervision), and I feel at least supported in some capacity by my organization. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Trouble with only employee, headed to mediation, how to keep my head on straight

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1811ay3/trouble_with_only_employee_headed_to_mediation/

1811b63

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/External_Row9275 **Originally posted to** r/motherinlawsfromhell **I am lost** Trigger Warnings: >!controlling behavior, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/motherinlawsfromhell/comments/17ui7op/i_am_lost/) - **November 13, 2023** With the holidays coming I am so lost on what to do. A little background. I have been with my husband for about four years. We are recently married about five months. I did not have any issues with my MIL until we started planning for our wedding. She became controlling and wanted to use the card that MIL and FIL were helping us pay for half of the wedding so she could do whatever she wanted. Mind you she had the same issues with other daughters in law. I told my husband that I did not care for a wedding and that as long as we were together that's what only matter. Husband continued to insist even though I warn him and his other siblings. He thought the other daughters in law were the problem and not his mom. There was a lot of fights and a lot of was said during the whole wedding preparations. It became so bad that I did not want her to be at the bridal suit with me. Anyway, days before the wedding we had a big fight and she started using the "I am not coming to a wedding of my son with someone that despise me". This comes because I called her a manipulator and controlling her family so she could always get what she wants. Stupid of me I know. I apologized even though I never did anything wrong. I was just trying to make sure I would get the wedding I wanted without her making decisions over us. Wedding went smoothly for the most part. Now the issue is that she thinks everything is fine between us and I just cannot look at her face. I really cannot go into details because my husband follows reddit and I do not want him to see I wrote this. anyway she is expecting us to come to her house for Christmas. she lives in a different state so we would need to stay at her house. I just cannot continue to appear as if everything is fine. My husband thinks I am over reacting and I should come. That woman literally made go through hell before my wedding. I told my husband he is welcome to go and spend time with his family, but he does not want to go alone. He thinks I am doing this to ruin his holidays. I just do not want to have any contact with her. I have never met a narcissist before but that woman is the worst. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **kdnona:** Im so sorry this has festered so long to you. Hugs. Im more sad for you that hubby is saying you’re overreacting. It’s YOUR life being stressed. He should grow a spine and talk to you about how you feel and help you plan a solution that works for both of you. These are your feelings and you have the right to them. In MIL demons worlds, you won’t be able to do much. Can you sit down with hubby and create boundaries? Because in reality I’ve never seen these things get resolved if you and hubby aren’t a team. is it possible that before you go all that way, you can zoom a family meeting? Best possibly would be with a family therapist? Can you write her a physical letter and let the crap hit the fan beforehand? You might get lucky and she’ll ban you from Xmas. 😊I get the crazy MIL issue but question; You said she was great up until the wedding planning? Could it be she wasn’t able to plan her own and was living vicariously through you? I’ve seen the nicest women go batshit crazy when weddings come up. >**OP:** To be honest I think we just did not have anything that we disagree on until the wedding. I have read somewhere that for people with narcissistic traits weddings are a tigger because it is an actual realization that they are not the center of their children's lives anymore. She got her way with a lot of stuff for the wedding because I really did not know how to deal with her and how to set boundaries. (which makes it more upsetting to me because I was not able to hold my ground. I do think she may see me as a push over which is something I am not going to tolerate anymore) Like I said, my husbands does not think there is something really wrong with her which makes it more difficult. I keep telling him that the way she acted was so wrong. He thinks that because the wedding is over it is ok now. Husband does not realize that this will happen every time MIL cannot get her way. > >She had her wedding, but because it was the type where parents plan everything she thought it was going to happen with us. I really do not know what her deal is but she is very manipulative and husband does not see that. BIL had the same issue as us but I think he went to therapy and was able to see her abuse ways which is why BIL cut ties off with MIL for a while. **Commentator asks about why OOP did a wedding and the husband insisting on having his mother get involved and not respecting boundaries set up.** >**OP:** To be honest, it was because husband comes from a very traditional family where weddings are one of those big milestones. He really wanted to have one and I saw how important it was for him so I said yes. would I have the wedding again without any of the headache? yes Was it worth it considering what MIL made me go through? HELL NO > >I thought MIL liked me, but as a see it now. I am just an accessory that was added to her son's life where MIL expects me to say yes to whatever she says or does. She definitely never respected me that is for sure. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/motherinlawsfromhell/comments/17w08xa/update_i_am_lost/) - **November 15, 2023** My other post in on my profile. Hubby and I had a talk about us going to his parents for Christmas. He basically said we should stick together. He will only go if I go because he will feel embarrassed if he goes to MIL house by himself. He thinks I should talk to MIL regarding my grievances and just make up. I told him that is not going to work. I am totally done with MIL and I do not expect her to change. He does not understand this is because I was continuously disrespected, manipulated and controlled. It is not about the music, the food, the place, the colors. She continuously undermined me, went behind my back to talk to vendors, try to make decisions without consulting me. She basically thinks she can walk all over me and has not care about my boundaries. Even if I wanted to have a conversation with her I do not feel ready. told him we need to go to couples therapy because we need to figure out how set boundaries with MIL and we need to be in the same page. He has agree to go to therapy. I know he misses his family and has not seem them since the wedding. I thought we had agreed to a compromise where we will go just to the dinner and would stay at a hotel and come home the next day. I totally forgot it was MIL birthday that week. Hubby wants us now to stay over to go to a concert (MIL bought the tickets) which I was never told about and nobody invited me. Hubby said he did not mentioned it because I told him I did not wanted to come. I told him never mind I am definitely not coming. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

I am lost

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1811b63/i_am_lost/

1811bl8

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/aconsciouscrisis  **I had the best first date. Then he deleted his account.** **Originally posted to** r/dating_advice [Original Post recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/17tkhjb/comment/k8xvfz8/)  **Nov 12, 2023** I (27F) had the most amazing date of my life last night in the two years I’ve started looking since being divorced. We were meeting at a Thai food restaurant. He showed up with a bouquet of flowers. No one has ever done that for me before, I was so shocked and it was so touching. The conversation was smooth and enjoyable. We both couldn’t stop smiling. When we finished dinner, he asked if I would want to go and get ice cream. We both are sober so drinks were out of the question, but neither of us wanted to say goodbye yet. We got ice cream at a local shop, and then sat in my car, listening to our favorite songs. We stayed there for three hours in the parking lot until midnight after they closed. We kissed and hugged a lot. It felt very natural. He gave me the best compliment, and said he feels like I am a very sweet human being, and can tell that I am genuine and caring. That complement stood out to me, since anyone can comment on looks, but it takes someone who is more invested to acknowledge parts of my personality. He asked to see me again on Friday, but then followed up by asking if he could see me today instead. I said absolutely. This morning, I had a notification from my dating app, so I opened it up and saw that he had deleted his profile. I don’t want to overthink or read into things, but is that typical? Should I ask about it or just wait to see if he says something? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/17udsgn/update_to_the_best_first_date_and_guy_who_deleted/)  **Nov 13, 2023** Yesterday I made a post about having a great first date. The guy had deleted his online dating account afterward, and I was looking for opinions. I ended up removing the post because I was getting some comments telling me that he was going to ghost me and that it was a red flag. I got anxious/annoyed because we had a second date planned and that was just not true. It will not let me comment on the old post, so I am sharing on a new one because people keep asking for an update. Yesterday he picked me up since he lives close by. We went and got coffees and walked at a local trail until it got dark. I invited him back to my place because I had baked a homemade bread and wanted him to try it. He ended up telling me that he deleted his profile because he really wants to focus on me and feels hopeful about us. He says he understands that there’s a chance it might not work out, but he doesn’t want any distractions and wanted to be respectful. We had a wonderful time together, and ended up falling asleep on the couch watching movies. He invited me to come to his house on Friday where he will cook me dinner. After two years of terrible first dates, I am very optimistic. I know people told me to watch for love bombing, but I’ve been in therapy for three years for an old, abusive relationship, and it really doesn’t feel like that to me. Sometimes, it’s OK to be vulnerable and intentional. I think this guy is a very big green flag. Thanks, everyone for your advice yesterday. I apologize for deleting the post, but I started to get worried and have bad thoughts, it was better just to cut it off before I self sabotaged. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I had the best first date. Then he deleted his account.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1811bl8/i_had_the_best_first_date_then_he_deleted_his/

1811c84

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Competitive-Boss4677 **My conservative parents** **Originally posted to** r/Advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Emotional manipulation and abuse, racism, slurs!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/yDWOytY9qd)  **Nov 8, 2023** I told my parents that my soon to be wife didn’t want to change her last name and it didn’t bother me if we went with her name or mine. I brought it up to my parents in the distant hopes that they would be ok with it but I already knew the answer. The were absolutely against the idea. Calling it “gay” and the “stupidest shit we have ever heard.” According to my father, when I man changes his last name, it’s a sign of weakness and means he is a pussy. They both told me that any support that he would give me, no more. Told me he would never approve and while he wouldn’t cut me out of his life, he would think that stuff about me. I told him that I just want to be happy and that I didn’t really care which last name my fiancée and I took. My fiancée doesn’t have any brothers which is my she wanted to take her name down, which again, I didn’t care if we did. But no, they’ve never heard of a man taking his wife’s last name. I told them I have and they then asked “oh yeah, like who?” I don’t know anyone personally but I’ve heard of it from a few different places in social media. According to mother “social media is bad for you and if your generation didn’t have phones, the world would be so much better” (Fiancée and I were born in 2000) when though she is always ok her phone on Facebook or TikTok. They are very anti-lgbtq+, they are very racist especially against African-American using the hard er in the n-word. They also have weirdly traditional views about men and women that my great grandparents think is weird. Then again they are conservative. Fiancée and I consider us liberal and we vibe with a shirt she has that says “gays should have to right to own guns to protect their marijuana plants” Anyway, I want some advice on how to proceed from here. Fiancée said that she’d take my last name to stop the drama but I don’t want her to sacrifice that. But I don’t know what to do. Any advice is helpful, thank you all! [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/fSOvBdr9JC)  **Nov 13, 2023** So here’s an update to my previous post regarding my parents and their reactions to me changing my last name. My fiancées mother had the idea of sitting us all down to talk it out and make sure we were all on the same page. Included in there talks were my fiancée and I, my mother and father, fiancées mother, and my maternal grandparents. Fiancée and I had things we wanted to talk about and we made those things know like how we wanted to change our name because it’s for us and our future and how I didn’t really feel like a member of my family. But apparently I’m “letting fiancée walk all over me” and “that’s not like me” but they don’t know what I’m like because they spent most of their time and energy on my younger brother, the golden child. Also, according to my parents I “need to grow some balls” and according to my maternal grandfather I “need to get my pants back from my fiancée and stop wearing a dress.” What in the actual hell?! Something interesting I learned in these talks was that my parents tried to “drag me onto the right path” when I was younger because I was different than them. I grew up a people pleaser and I constantly felt like I was a disappointment and was constantly called “lazy” growing up but a small thing I realized is that I tried. I graduated high school with a bronze cord, something my brother, the golden child, and my younger sister couldn’t do. I graduated with a 3.0 gpa which is pretty good. When I moved back to college and my personality wasn’t more in line with theirs, my parents said “I which you would have went to college closer to home so you weren’t exposed to all that liberal shit” but oh freaking well. Fiancée and I decided that as far as everyone else is concerned, her and I are keeping our last names for now and after we get married, we’ll reconvene and discuss it some more. But what we didn’t tell our families is that she and I are gonna discuss it before the wedding and decide what WE want to do. We also agreed to take a break and take our minds off of it so we can cool down while tempers are high. According to father though, if we don’t take my last name “he’s done, that’s it” so there’s a joy. I’ve had enough. I’m not a confrontational guy. I hate arguments and get shaky when I’m getting yelled at. I’m sick of it. If they don’t like my decisions then fine, they don’t have to. They can hate my decisions for all I care. But they are going to respect them and are going to put up with them. And why is that? Because if they don’t, I don’t mind going no contact and I don’t think my parents, my father especially, can handle that. He can’t stand not having his children’s attention. Sorry if this feels more like a rant. I just wanted to post an update and put my thoughts into words. Let me know wheat you all think I guess. Thanks. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My conservative parents

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1811c84/my_conservative_parents/

181bgtf

**I am NOT THE OOP. OOP is** u/throwrapickyeater **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice This is a new **mini** update to a story already posted in BORU in February 2023. It was posted [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/115t5rx/new_update_my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like/). Note: I have marked the newest update with 🚨🚨🚨 below so you can skip the older updates posts if you don't need a refresher. trigger warnings: >!emotional, physical and sexual abuse!< [**Original post:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/yju3vf/my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like_mustard/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) **My husband cannot accept I don’t like mustard. Things came to a head yesterday, posted on Nov 01, 2022** We’ve been married two years, dating five. We are both 34- I’m a woman, he’s a man, if it matters. I’m not a picky eater. In fact I’m quite adventurous and every time I’ve traveled I’ve always made it a point to try dishes with unusual/uncommon ingredients to say I’ve tried them. There are very few foods I won’t eat. One of them is mustard (the condiment). I don’t like it. I just don’t. The taste is very strong and overpowering and it’s an unpleasant taste. I’ve tried yellow, stone ground, honey, artisan, brown, spicy, you name it. I have tried them all. And I just don’t like them. My husband for some reason never understood this. He loves mustard, especially honey mustard. He puts it on all his sandwiches, dips his fries in it. And everytime he tries to force me to try it. He’ll insist I’ll like it this time. I’m a grown ass woman. I know what I don’t like! And I don’t like mustard. So I’ll say no and it’ll devolve into a mini-argument where he’ll call me picky. Well, last night we were on the road home from a weekend trip we took together and he stopped at a gas station to get us a quick bite. He got a hot dog slathered in mustard. I got one but decided to keep it plain. I don’t really love hot dogs to begin with but I will eat them. While we waited in line he asked what I got on mine. I told him nothing. He actually got furious and grabbed it from me. He marched over to the condiment station and began putting mustard on my hot dog, telling me to grow up and stop being picky. I just walked out and sat in the car. I didn’t even want the damn hot dog anymore. My appetite was gone. He came back and began screaming at me for embarrassing him even further. The word divorce was said for the first time ever. I secretly recorded his screaming because I was genuinely afraid I would die. He was driving erratically, swerving and speeding. I’m in a hotel tonight. He ignored me all day at work and then the calls started around when he realized I wasn’t coming home. Nonstop voicemails and texts. He sent me a screenshot of a Google search for local divorce lawyers. I haven’t eaten all day and I’ve been sobbing in this damn hotel room. I don’t want to get divorced and I wish I had just ate the fucking mustard. Someone, anyone, please give me an explanation. Am I in danger? Why would he react this way to a preference of mine? I’m completely broken right now. [**Update #1:**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/yk8rx6/i_cant_respond_since_my_post_got_deleted_sorry/) **I can’t respond since my post got deleted sorry submitted on Nov. 2, 2022** Some answers I guess to questions I saw: Regarding when I said no to sex. He respected if I said no to having sex but he would ask for blowjobs over and over. I used to give in at first until I started dreading doing it. He tried buying all this stuff to make me like it, to make it easier or whatever. I used to like blowjobs. I don’t like giving them to him. But he’ll still ask over and over. I started responding with, “I said no. Are you going to force me to do it?” And he’d get squeamish and offended that I’d implied he would rape or assault me. If I have a support system: no. I’ve always been a very small circle kind of person and I lost touch with casual college friends. My friends are his. It makes me feel like a loser but I don’t really have friends of my own. My parents are dead; my dad died when I was a teen and my mom passed recently of heart failure. I have no siblings. I’m financially capable of living on my own and I could pay for a divorce. I just… really didn’t want things to be this way. The mustard thing was always just an annoyance to me. I didn’t consider it a deal-breaker, but obviously it is for him. We have no kids and no equity. Our finances are separate save for one joint account we equally contribute to for bills. We were looking at buying a house. I’m safe. I’m at work and I’m staying in the hotel until further notice. He has continued to text. One message said that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I’ve forced his hand by refusing to communicate or come home. I haven’t answered. I don’t know what to say. I forced myself to eat my favorite takeout late last night but it tasted like cardboard. I stayed up late compiling a list of every time he has shown worrying behavior. I guess the mustard is the tip of the iceberg. [**Update #2:**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/ykkkta/thank_you_all_for_being_so_kind_a_quick_ramble/) **Thank you all for being so kind… a quick ramble before bed. submitted on Nov. 2, 2022** Sincerely, thank you all for your kind words as well as sending me links to resources. He has reverted back and has told me that he never wants to see me again, so I suppose that gives me time to read that book that someone on RA suggested to me (I forget the name). I will admit while I was at work and thinking of the lonely room waiting me after five, I considered just going home. But I knew what awaited me. I’m too drained to muster up the kind of apology he would be expecting in order for things to go back to normal. I honestly fear that our “normal” is detrimental to me. I also don’t want to apologize. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and you all helped validate that. I always felt like I was the one disturbing the peace. He’d get so upset over things that were little to no effort for me to just do or go along with because I loved him. And somewhere along the way I think I lost myself. I never liked mustard. I never liked golf, or camping, or red wine. But he loves all of these and wanted me to love them too. He said he was introducing me to his hobbies so we would have shared interests as a couple. But I have realized that out of all the things I used to like, he has either refused to try or ignored my interest. Our shared interests are just his. God, how do I feel like my own person again? My world broke not two days ago and now I’m drunk at a hotel bar switching between Reddit and researching divorce lawyers. I still don’t want to divorce. It’s so permanent. I never pictured myself a divorcée. I used to think that every choice I made, I made deliberately. It used to be a point of pride for me. But he’s making this choice for me. And it hurts. [**Update #3:**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/yospyh/im_leaving_him/) **I’m leaving him. submitted on Nov. 7, 2022** First of all: I took this week off at the encouragement of my employer. I plan to spend it finding a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse and sexual assault, which I’ve come to realize I am a victim of. I feel completely numb. I’m also looking into a divorce lawyer. Secondly: he found the hotel where I was staying. I guess he followed me from work. He was waiting in the lobby. God, my heart skipped a beat and I realized that I did NOT miss him at all. I was afraid of making a scene (I need to unlearn that), so I sat with him in the lounge area and talked. I’ll summarize it. I pointed out the security camera and said if he tried to hurt me, there’d be footage and I would press charges without a second thought. He was completely shocked and said he’d never hurt me. I reminded him how I feared for my life in the car. He ignored me. He asked why I wasn’t coming home. I was completely blank faced when I told him, “Because you’re divorcing me.” He said he didn’t mean it and was just upset. I said, “when normal people are upset, they express it in a healthy way. You threatened the end of our marriage. I’m taking you seriously.” He got pissed and asked if I was saying he wasn’t normal. Honestly, I just wanted the conversation to be done, so I told him if that’s really all he heard then there was no point in talking anymore. I told him I was looking for a lawyer and he should probably do the same if he hasn’t found one. He lashed out and said, “All this over one mistake?” And I just stared at him. As I made to stand up, he grabbed my wrist hard and I pointed at the camera again. This just made him angrier. He never could handle slights to his ego. One mistake. It wasn’t one mistake. It was a pattern of abuse over years. It was threatening me, intimidating me. I told him if he tried to contact me again beyond sending me his lawyer’s details I’d be calling the police. He let me go. I want to say I was badass and celebrated in my room. I collapsed onto my bed and began sobbing. I was just so sick and angry and sad. He truly doesn’t care about me. I’ve been crying on and off while calling local therapists. God, why is it so hard to find one? The amount of therapists that advertise but turn out to not be accepting new patients is unacceptable. I’ve looked into victims of DV/DA support groups as well. In the span of less than a month my life is completely changed. And he isn’t remorseful at all. He just thinks it’s all my fault. **OP's last comment:** I will probably move. I saw my RA post get reposted on Twitter. I’m terrified he’ll see it and come for me. A lot of people commenting on it were saying he would try to kill me and I believe them. [**Update #4**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/z5e552/another_update/) **posted on Nov. 26, 2022.** I have a divorce lawyer. That’s all I comfortable with revealing on here for the time being. I will also mention that I have moved locations. I am safe and secure. My work has allowed me to go fully remote. My STB-Ex does NOT have my location, nor are there any trackers on my phone. I am in contact with people and organizations who are helping me. Earlier this week, the calls and texts really ramped up. I was advised to leave him unblocked and simply muted so his messages would come through. I read a few since I was curious. He wanted me at thanksgiving dinner with his family. He begged me to stop being this way and what was he supposed to tell his family? Well, Thursday came and went. I had bought a couple of ready meals the night before so that was my feast. I do want to take a break here to talk about my mom. Since it was only three of us every holiday (except the rare times friends would come over), my mom wouldn’t make a turkey. She would buy a rotisserie chicken and dress it up with stuffing, etc. She’d make dishes we loved rather than traditional thanksgiving dishes. My favorite side dish of all time was French fries. My dad loved grilled asparagus with cheese. So we would have a rotisserie chicken with French fries, asparagus, and some garlic toast (my mom’s favorite). The first time I had real traditional Thanksgiving food at a friends’ house, I apparently told my mom loudly I didn’t like it and asked where the fries were, haha. So this year, instead of my STB-ex husband’s family’s thanksgiving food, I bought asparagus, fries, garlic toast, and a couple of slices of rotisserie chicken. It wasn’t half as good as my mother’s meal. But when I say I cried eating it… it felt like they were with me that night. I guess my absence at the dinner forced my STB-EX to tell his family that I was separated from him. So Friday morning I got a phone call from an unfamiliar number. I answered it, thinking maybe it was my lawyer’s home phone or another person I was in contact with. It was my mother in law. She begged me not to hang up on her. So I stayed on the line. She went on about how I was her daughter, she loved me, her son loved me, and how could I leave him over something so minor. He only told his mom about the mustard, and even then it was a watered-down version that made me look like a neurotic control freak who needed everything my way. According to my MIL, he just made a side cup of it for me and asked me to just try it in the car. And I started screaming I’d divorce him. She then started probing about which lawyer I was seeing and what I had told them. She also reminded me that lying in court was a crime. My lawyer had warned me to not reveal anything we had discussed to his family. It took all my willpower not to say anything. Instead, I hung up and muted her number, too. She hasn’t texted or tried to call again. Trust me, I would’ve loved to send the recording of her son screaming saying he ought to smack me upside the head, calling me a stubborn bitch, that he would divorce me, and that he would run the car off the fucking road if I didn’t start acting right. I wanted to scream into the phone that her precious son started this mess and I was simply doing what he wanted. I have come to realize you don’t treat someone you love like the way he has acted. Normal people don’t want to have sex with someone who has already said no. Normal people don’t keep pushing and obsessing over food preferences. There is something seriously wrong with that man. He texted me last night (Friday) calling me a bitch for making his mother cry. He also said he would come find me and it would take more than a locked door to keep him from getting me and taking me home. I forwarded those to the right people. I know this isn’t a happy update, but things are moving along quite nicely. [**Update #5:**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/10y2m6y/i_am_okay/) **I am okay! posted on Feb. 9, 2023** I moved! I will not say where but I have found a new home. My job let me stay on as permanently remote. I can’t go into details about my divorce or other current legal proceedings, but I can say I was granted a protective order due to something that happened back in December. Due to the nature of what happened, I was hospitalized for a time. That was what I guess made me realize I wanted to get the fuck out. I traded my car, had my phone checked for tracking apps/devices, and changed my number. He cannot contact me or have anyone contact me on his behalf. I am now several hours and state lines away from him and his wretched family. I moved with only two suitcases and a duffel of my stuff. I cannot wait to furnish and decorate my new home the way I always wanted it. I’m in therapy and I have a survivor support group I see weekly. I will be okay. I feel like I can finally breathe. &#x200B; 🚨🚨🚨 [**Update #6:**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwrapickyeater/comments/17vasro/update/) **posted on Nov. 14, 2023** Hello! It’s been a while. I’d sorta forgotten about this account until I saw screenshots of my posts uploaded to Instagram, ha. Some key points: I am still going to therapy- individual counseling and biweekly group meetups for victims of DV. I am absolutely not dating. I saw some comments that said they hoped I found a fairytale man. That’s the last thing I want or need. I strive for independence and self love before I consider finding a new partner. It’ll probably be years before I’m ready, and that’s okay! I have discovered a love of cooking and trying new cuisines. I didn’t realize how boring my ex’s taste was until I escaped him. Slathering mustard on a $2 hot dog does not mean you have superior taste buds. (Sorry, I had to get a jab in somehow) Nothing new or dramatic has happened, and that is the way I like it. What matters is, I’m alive, and I’m happy. I didn’t realize how little I’d made myself until I was given the space to be. That’s all I’m willing to give for my update for now! Peace and love. &#x200B; **Reminder: I am not the original poster.**

[New Update] My husband cannot accept I don’t like mustard. Things came to a head yesterday.

NEW UPDATE

margiebabie

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181bgtf/new_update_my_husband_cannot_accept_i_dont_like/

181gh2g

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/achesforcakes in r/Trueoffmychest** Trigger Warnings: >!Sexual harassment, Sexual Assault!< [I think I caught my younger brother spying on me while I was changing last night, but it may all be in my head. Everything feels super awkward now.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/xet8r4/i_think_i_caught_my_younger_brother_spying_on_me/) - 15 September 2022. My brother (18m) and I (19f) are staying at our grandparents house this week. A few nights back I noticed the light from the gap under my door go darker and brighter a few times and initially thought my brother might have been walking up and down the hallway. Last night when I went to my room to change and go to bed I noticed it again, so I went to unlock my door and look down the hallway and saw my brothers door slam shut just as I opened my door. I thought it was really weird so I decided to bend over and look through the gap under my door when realized I could see RIGHT INTO MY ROOM! This may all just be in my head, but everything feels super awkward around him today and we still have 3 more days here before we go home. How do I not make this weird? **Comments:** **Commenter 1:** >he is waiting for you to go to bed so he can smoke or drink or something, almost guarantee it **Commenter 2:** >You wouldn't be able to get any upwards angle from under the door gap. He'd only be able to see your feet. **OOP:** >Posted this above but I checked for myself and he definitely would have been able to see me, it is a wide enough gap. Thankfully the other commenters put my paranoia to rest! **Update 1 - 10 August 2023 - 11 months later:** [So tired of being gaslit by my younger brother I’m pretending I don't know he’s stealing my underwear now](https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15n6nzv/so_tired_of_being_gaslit_by_my_younger_brother_im/) I'm (20F) currently still living at home with my parents and younger brother (18M). I've been dealing with multiple incidents of him perving on me and getting away with it by gaslighting me and/or my parents about it. First incident I can specifically remember was a while ago at my grandparents house. He kept trying to dare/challenge me to climb up to an old treehouse which I finally did only to realize he could see up my skirt as I was climbing up. I yell at him to stop looking and he acts like I was being gross for thinking he was. Whole situation was super weird so just brushed it off and never said anything about it again. Few months later I catch him going through my photos on my laptop. Huge fight ensued of course and my parents get involved. He tells them he was trying to delete an ugly picture I took of him and somehow my parents see it as we're "both in the wrong". I don't have anything scandalous on there but it just felt so off for him to be going through my pictures. Fast forward to us moving into our new house this summer and now we share a bathroom. He never knocks when he KNOWS I'm using the bathroom, instead he just tries to see if the door is locked. Eventually the inevitable happens, I forget to lock the door and he barges in. Luckily I was half-decent. I tell my parents about this and instead of the solution being he should knock, the solution is I should use the guest bathroom downstairs. Most recent incident was a couple nights ago after a family BBQ. Came back to my room and noticed the sweatpants I had changed out of before everyone arrived were out of the laundry hamper and on the floor. When I got up to do the laundry the next morning I realized the panties I was wearing with those sweatpants were gone. The thought of confronting him over it and him gaslighting me again was honestly so exhausting I just didn't say anything. Now another pair are missing and I'm still acting like I have no idea. **Comments:** **Commenter 3:** >you should prolly go into your room and check for cameras as well while your at it, your mobile phone camera can pick up the lights from then when the rooms dark.you can do it with a tv remote as well, just point it at the lens and press a button to see it flash purple or red etc. **Commenter 4**: >Move. **OOP:** >Yeah of course in an ideal world I would be out of the house by now, in reality that's a lot easier said than done. Not something I can realistically afford right now, and in any case I don't see why I'm the one who has to move as if it's my fault I'm being perved on. **Update 2 - 14 August 2023 - Four days later:** [Update: So tired of being gaslit by my younger brother I’m pretending I don't know he’s stealing my underwear now](https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15r9na8/update_so_tired_of_being_gaslit_by_my_younger/) Wanted to update everyone after my post the other day. Thank you all for the support and stories you shared it really helped me realize how much I needed to get out of the toxic situation at home. After everyones advice to look for hidden cameras in my room I tried everything recommended but didn't find anything. I couldn't get the thought out of my head though so I decided to go look through my brothers laptop when he wasn't home the next day. Honestly it broke me. He had dozens of pictures he had taken of me without me knowing, pictures of my underwear with cum in them, and a lot of other fucked up shit off the internet. I immediately sent pictures of everything to my parents, packed up a bag told a friend I needed a place to stay for a few days and left. My parents have been trying to call me non-stop and have texted me to come home and talk about it, but I've made it clear I don't plan on coming home unless he is out of the house for good. Don't know what I'm going to do if they don't kick him out, but for now just trying to get the thoughts of everything I saw out of my head and take care of my own mental health. **Update 3 - posted to /r/Legaladvice - 5 September 2023 - 22 days later** [Found a nude picture of myself [20F] on my brother's [18M] laptop](https://old.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/16a8lo0/found_a_nude_picture_of_myself_20f_on_my_brothers/) About a month ago, after a series of several incidents I found several pictures of myself on my brothers laptop including pictures of my underwear that he had stolen and masturbated in and a nude picture of me in the bathroom.I took a picture of the thumbnails with my phone and deleted the originals and have been living at a friend's house ever since. I don't plan on returning home unless he is kicked out of the house for good by my parents (which they don't seem willing to do).I am still processing everything emotionally and not sure where to go from here. I am seriously conflicted and as his sister I want him to get help, but at the same time I just can't have him near me right now. I also need to know for sure there are no other pictures of me floating around and that they were never posted or shared.I don't have a lot to support myself with right now and I don't want to put myself or my family through unnecessary difficulty because of this, but I do want to know what legal options I have. **Comments:** **Commenter 5:** >Get an unlawful surveillance / revenge porn report (documentation purposes only) from the police citing the evidence you have. This will somewhat protect you and allow you to pressure him into destroying the undocumented photos. If he doesnt comply youncan amend your report requesting an arrest. Good luck *OOP inquires on where she can seek more information on this. She doesn't get a response and hasn't posted on the subject since* **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

I think I caught my younger brother spying on me while I was changing last night, but it may all be in my head. Everything feels super awkward now.

ONGOING

cormega

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181gh2g/i_think_i_caught_my_younger_brother_spying_on_me/

181jk66

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Interesting_Golf_257 **in** r/AmItheAsshole trigger warnings: >!Possible ADHD, forgery!< mood spoilers: >!positive!<   [**WIBTA if I grounded my daughter for forging my signature?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17utwl0/wibta_if_i_grounded_my_daughter_for_forging_my/) **- 13th November 2023** My (42m) daughter (16f) has a midday band field trip that she wants to go on during school in a couple of weeks. I know this because she sent me a picture of the permission slip and asked if she could sign my name. I said no, bring it home because I don't want you forging my signature and it's not due back for a week so there's time. Several days have passed since then and I've yet to see the form. It's due soon and I'm sure my daughter will forget until the last minute and then sign my name on it. I know about the trip and I don't mind her going. Would I be the asshole if I still grounded her for forging my signature?   **Cjack66** *INFO: you can already see this coming, why aren't you talking to her about it? This is a parenting moment. Instead of waiting to spring the trap on your daughter, recognize she's a fallible 16 year old human, and remind her you expect to see the form.* >OOP: Thank you for your thought on it. I think this is the way to go. Just wasn't sure if forging was a hard line. &#x200B; **feetflatontheground** *I forged my parents' signature so many times thay I'm not sure the school would even have recognised the real one. Mostly harmless stuff, that I knew they wouldn't object to (the activity, not the forgery)* **Repossessedbatmobile** *My mom TAUGHT me how to forge her signature because she was sick of having to constantly sign permission slips for random school events and activities. She said that I had her permission to sign the forms with her name as long as I told her about it beforehand. She also knew that I could be forgetful and sometimes left books/papers in my locker by mistake. So this way I could still technically get the papers signed even if I forgot to bring them home. Honestly, I'm not sure if it was lazy parenting or brilliant parenting, lol.* **Capital-Effort2597** *INFO - Is there some reason that you can't remind her? It feels kind of assholey that you are pre-planning a punishment for a situation that can be resolved with about 30 seconds of discussion* >OOP: I don't disagree with you. However, I've been reminding her of things most of her life. She's older and should be more responsible now. **kittycat0333** *I have ADHD. My Mom used to punish and scream at me for being messy and forgetful. It didn’t help with the underlying problem. It made it worse. It also contributed to avoidant behaviors like lying and hiding any issues I was having with my symptoms. Forgot to do homework? Lie and do it before class. Room a mess and you can’t clean it yourself? Shove it in the closet. Get in trouble for not paying attention in class? No one has to know. Forgot to get a form signed? No you didn’t.* *You are ALREADY planning how to punish her for something so simple to address. What else do you apply this logic to?! Do you ground her for having a spotless room because you assume she will not clean it if she makes a mess? You aren’t teaching your daughter good life skills by actively seeking to punish her rather than support her. You are teaching her that you are an unsupportive antagonistic figure she needs to avoid conflict with at any and all costs.* >OOP: Very well said. Thank you for your insight. I think you nailed a lot of the problems that we have at home. I'm going to hold on to this comment and see if I can use it to grow and have a better outlook towards parenting and teaching in general. &#x200B; **Swedishpunsch** *Humorous aside - Many years ago a little first grade girl in my class tried to forge her mother's signature on something or other.* *She signed it "Mommy" in brightly colored crayon. So cute, so tricky.* &#x200B; **Judgement - Not Enough Info, with some support for YTA** &#x200B; [**UPDATE: WIBTA if I grounded my daughter for forging my signature?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17w2vl5/update_wibta_if_i_grounded_my_daughter_for/) **- 15th November 2023** I've spent the last day + reading so many comments. I was blown away by the sheer number of responses, and I tried my best to read each one and to respond to as many as possible. Most of the comments said that IWBTA if I didn't at least remind her, and then blow up at her in a "gotcha" moment. I completely agreed with that, so I sent her a text as a reminder before school, and followed up with two more face to face reminders after school. Before I get to the update, I wanted to add that I did a lot of self reflection as a person and a father based on the comments that I read. Some really stuck out to me as they talked about adhd, discipline, and parenting. I've saved a few to help me keep reflecting and growing as a person. Additionally, I set up an appointment with my daughter's doctor to see if we should be considering an adhd test. Now for the update. After the third time politely reminding her to see the form yesterday, I asked her if she had signed my name on it already. She said she did. She signed it shortly after I asked her to bring it home for me to sign. One of the great perspectives I got from the comments was that forging a parents signature for something this inconsequential isn't really a big deal. Some people disagreed and said forgery is forgery, and that was the perspective I had at the time I made the first post. Not anymore though. She had let me know about the trip and I was ok with her going. Because of my reconsidered perspective I didn't get mad when she told me. I did what many advised me to do and I sat down with her and we talked. We discussed that forgery is a crime, but because she had let me know about the trip and I was ok with her going, that I was ok with what she did. We're not perfect, but we do try our best. My hope is that moving forward with our relationship, I'll try to guide her instead of getting mad. When we spoke last night, I made sure that I spoke calmly and not down to her. I said in a previous comment that I do think she's a good kid. She's got a lot on her plate right now and I'm no longer interested in adding to that. I really want to thank the vast majority who offered their stories and considerations. One person questioned why I would even make this post, but I'm really glad I did.   **Comments** **redmsg** *FYI - because girls are trained at an earlier age to mask ADHD, it may take some extra testing to get a full examination but as someone who has ADHD and has a kid with ADHD, this happened so many times.* >OOP: Thanks for posting this. Before the original post I didn't have an inkling as to what ADHD looked like in girls/ women. I just assumed if she wasn't bouncing off the walls, than that was an easy diagnosis. The thought that she and even myself could seriously have adhd is eye opening. I've been reading these comments over and over. I'm hopeful that by the time we go to her Dr., I'll be well versed on what some of the traits look like and how we might need to test for it. &#x200B; **LoisLaneEl** *So, your kid openly defied you and you say, cool, don’t worry about it! You say “bring it home and I’ll sign it” and her IMMEDIATE reaction is no, I’ll sign it myself and not even a reprimand? Wow* >OOP: You're absolutely right. But, for years I've been coming up with ways to discipline her every time I'm disappointed with a decision she's made. And you know what? they still happen. I mean here we are. Maybe it's time to pivot. At 16 and with a learner's permit and more freedom, decisions she's making will start to have more real world implications. If I keep disciplining her and nothings getting better, than maybe it's time to rethink the approach. &#x200B; **idreaminwords** *The only suggestion I have is that, rather than telling her you are okay with what she did, tell her that the decision disappointed you, but that you understand why she did it. Unless you're okay with her doing it in the future, you should make it clear that you expect for it not to happen again* &#x200B; **Humble\_Plantain\_5918** *Yeah honestly it's not the forgery itself I have an issue with, it's that she was told not to do it and then did it anyway. Standard kid stuff, but the kind that really should be addressed.* &#x200B; **Mysterious-Art8838** *I think you did a near perfect job here. ⭐️* >OOP:Thank you. Now the hard part... not falling back to old habits. **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

WIBTA if I grounded my daughter for forging my signature?

CONCLUDED

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181jk66/wibta_if_i_grounded_my_daughter_for_forging_my/

181r57m

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Confusion889](https://www.reddit.com/user/Confusion889/). He posted in r/AmItheAsshole. His post has since been deleted by the mods there, but is still viewable using rareddit. **Trigger Warning:** >!gambling addiction!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!sad but possibly hopeful?!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17vh5se/aita_for_putting_a_tracker_in_my_wifes_car/)**: November 14, 2023** Wife and I have been together for 25+years and she's always done the BINGO thing with her Mom. I have no problems with that and they've been doing it for years and years. Maybe once or twice a month, again, no problem. Her Mom has always been a gambling addict and it cause the divorce of her first husband and she wiped out her second husbands bank account within a couple years. So I've always been a bit leery on the whole gambling thing. I've seen it destroy families. (her mom lives with us now) (15yrs ago) I worked out of town/state a lot so she's always had control of our join banking account. My checks were auto-deposit so never really broke down our bills as I should have. After I kept pressuring her to tell me where all our money was going she broke down and told me she gambled it away at the casino. Slot machines. Big fight. At that point I got a separate checking account so at least the bills would be paid on time. I make a bit more than she does but I pay most of the bills and am still able to save up money every month. This has never been sustainable though since any surprise bills (we have 2 teen kids) it's always me that pays for them. She is broke every month. When we were going over our tax returns it turned out she owned $6k in taxes all from the casino. We went over the whole gambling / financial problems again and she shook my hand and promised that she would stop. Fast forward a few months I bought a tracker online. One that I could put on my tractor (I let friends borrow it and want to keep track of it in case it gets stolen) and the kids car since they're turning 16 soon I wanted to keep track of them. I had the tracker for a few weeks and decided to try it out one day. I threw it in the console of my wifes car just to see how the app works. She took off with her mom before I could tell her and she texted me they were heading out shopping. Well, they went straight to the casino instead. I wasn't mad but was definitely concerned. I felt guilty for "spying" on my wife so I took it out and never said anything. However curiosity killed the cat and I threw it back in her car a few weeks later. This time on purpose and hidden. It's been a couple months and they've been at the casino at least twice a week. Not the BINGO hall but the actual casino. I confronted her again today when she asked for money for kids gymnastics. I asked her how her gambling issue was going and she denied shes back to gambling. I gave her many outs and she wouldn't admit it. So I then told her about the tracker. Now she's furious that I tracked her and said threw out the D word. Sorry, this post is all over the place and I'm super nervous. We've been together for 25+ years and I'm freaking out. ***Relevant Comment:*** "To clear up some info. My wife and two daughters already track each other on their iphones. They always know where everyone is at except for me since my phone is a shitty android that doesn't connect with their phones. I work construction so my phones don't last long. I just replace it because it's cheap and I don't need anything fancy. The tracker I bought was just for tracking the vehicle(s) if they were stolen or if something bad happened and my wife couldn't contact them through their phones. And yes I would have told them it was in there. Yes, I should have confronted her about it the day I was testing out the tracker. HUGE mistake and it led me to being a "creeper". I can't deny that part. I think I was just hoping it was a one-off white lie and not a normal thing." ***Unfortunately because it was deleted by mods, I cannot see what the consensus bot says. However, the top 3 voted comments were NTA.*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17vh5se/aita_for_putting_a_tracker_in_my_wifes_car/k9c7kvb/?context=3)**: November 15, 2023 (Next Day)** Not sure how to bump this to the top - Can't add anymore to my post. Welp. We had the fight. At first it was mostly her on the attack for all the things I do wrong that pushes her to the casino. I expected this, and was able to turn it back around and keep the focus on the gambling. Long story short, lots of crying and opening up. I told her that she was the one person in this world that I trust the most and she's also the one person that lies to me the most. That was the breaking point and a long vulnerable discussion about where we are in our marriage and where it's going began. It's been a long time since we've had one of those. She has agreed to open up her finances so we can figure out what to do there. I have no idea how much we're in debt yet but it sounds like quite a bit. Hopefully it's manageable. Were going to see a marriage counselor and she also agreed to go to a gambling addiction counselor. MIL is probably moving out. Granted this is just the beginning and who knows what will happen down the road but it's a start. I'm pretty exhausted, we'll see how things are tomorrow. Thank you all for the opinions and advice. I'll try to read them tomorrow. I guess I don't care if I was the asshole anymore. It had to be done and I have no regrets.

AITA for putting a tracker in my wifes car?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181r57m/aita_for_putting_a_tracker_in_my_wifes_car/

181te29

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ThrowRAdoomm **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest **My doctors told my husband (30M) and I (31F) that our baby has many birth defects. I want to abort, he does not.** Trigger Warnings: >!abortion, severe birth defects, grief from loss, pregnancy complications, coercion, abandonment!< Mood Spoilers: >!Depressing!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17s91c1/my_doctors_told_my_husband_30m_and_i_31f_that_our/?share_id=XPmFloBVYuSMvPN0J32in&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 10, 2023** *I originally posted this on r/relationship_advice but unfortunately it was removed. I’m touched by all the kind responses and condolences I’ve received. Things are chaotic right now but once they’ve settled down I’ll eventually post an update on here. Thank you all so much.* My doctors told my husband (30M) and I (31F) that our baby has many birth defects. I want to abort, he does not. This was a planned baby and I’m absolutely devastated. Me and my husband met in college and have been married for 6 years now. We have one son who is now 4 years old. I know some people are gonna wonder, but yes we did discuss our moral/political views before even getting engaged and we’re both pro-choice. When we were 21 and 20 we made a stupid mistake that ended in a pregnancy. We were both flat broke and not at all ready for kids. I decided to terminate and he fully agreed with and supported me. He loves our son so much and is an amazing father. He confided in me that he loved the idea of having a daughter as well. Luckily we’re in a good financial place so I agreed and we started trying for a 2nd baby. We conceived fairly quickly and were overjoyed. We also soon discovered that we’re having a girl. My husband was so excited. As soon as he was told he went all out and started to plan her nursery. He asked our son to help him pick which shade of pink he wanted, which crib to get, what the theme should be, etc. It was all so adorable. I don’t want to reveal any personal medical history, so forgive me for being vague with the descriptions. At our last doctors visit a few days ago we were given the news that our daughter has severe birth defects. They think that she could possibly survive the birth, but any life that she gets to experience will be painful for her. There have been medical cases of babies with the same conditions to survive from early childhood to even the teenage years rarely. These poor children suffer with so much pain and are uncomfortable their entire lives. They are very low-functioning and need around the clock care, as well as several uncomfortable surgeries to try and give them a better quality of life. We were both heartbroken and cried for hours together in the car. Then we drove home in silence. Neither of us said anything until my husband began to quietly mumble his thoughts. He was going on and on about how we needed to schedule another doctors appointment so we know what medical equipment we’d need to buy for her, and we should renovate the nursery again so we could care for her more easily. He said that he’d definitely have to talk to his boss so he can take a longer paternal leave. He wants to be by her side in the NICU until we can take her home. He talked about how we’d have to ask his mom to babysit our son more often while she’s a newborn. He even said that maybe we could sell one of our cars, move to a smaller house, and take our son out of private school so we’d have more money to pay for our daughters care. I was silent until he asked me what I thought. I was blunt and said that I think we should terminate the pregnancy. Now I feel bad for saying it that way but I was still frazzled from the news. This made him very upset. He began to cry and ask why I don’t want our daughter, even with disabilities? I mentioned our previous abortion. He said it was different because it was unplanned and we had no way to take care of the child. Now, we’re in a pretty good place financially so theoretically we could shoulder the cost of our daughter. I have a bit of personal history with this type of situation. My best friend in high school was at my house all the time because her parents were way to busy with her severely autistic older brother. They did love her, but she was pushed to the side her entire childhood. I told him this story. He said that we’d do better by our son and daughter. My best friends parents were stupid for having a 2nd kid after they already had a disabled one. He then seemed hopeful for a minute and asked if I was just afraid. He promised that he’d be by my side the whole time and we could do this together. I told him it’s not about fear. Our daughter will be in pain constantly if she’s born alive. It would be a short and painful life for her. I love this baby so much already, I don’t want her to suffer like that. He began to yell that even if she doesn’t live long we could still pour our hearts and souls into making her life as fulfilling as possible. I didn’t respond and he stormed inside. It’s been a couple day now and he won’t even look me in the eyes. He sits in the new nursery for hours. Our son is very confused. I know he’s grieving, but I really don’t want to go further with this pregnancy. I love him so much, I have no idea what to do now. TLDR: husband and I learned that our planned daughter has many birth defects that would devastate her quality of life. I want to abort in order to save her from an existence full of pain. My husband wants to keep her so we can love her for however long she lives. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17x70s9/update_my_doctors_told_my_husband_30m_and_i_31f/) - **Nov 16, 2023** Thank you all so much for the advice and kind words. I'm sorry I haven't responded to many chats and comments. I've read through them all. The empathy and compassion shown is truly touching. After I made my original post, my husband and I rushed to get a 2nd opinion. Nothing changed and it was still our originally diagnose. Once I learned that, I scheduled the termination for as soon as physically possible. I didn't tell my husband at first. He kept on raving about how we could give her as much love in her life as we can. I feel bad for this now, but I snapped and angrily told him I was terminating the pregnancy. That I know how he feels, but I will not allow my daughter to suffer just because he wants to love her. He was very angry with me after I put my foot down. After he realized his pleading wouldn't change my mind he didn't speak a word to me. It was like he refused to even acknowledge my existence. I was terrified that he'd go and leave me all alone with the scraps of our family. I tried to explain it to my son but I think he still doesn't understand. Then,the night before the procedure he stepped into my room and apologized for everyone and promised to be more supportive of me from now on. I was so happy and relieved I started to sob and he held me all night. My original plan was that my mom would drive me to the hospital, then once it's done a close friend would take me home. Since it was only the night before he said he couldn't miss a full day of work, but really wanted to drive me home. I agreed to let him and then the procedure was done in the morning. My son is having a long sleepover with my best friends family. I don't want him to see me like this. The next morning the termination was done. It went fine with only minor physical pain, but the emotional toll was crushing. After I was done he didn't show up to get me. I waited for hours and he wouldn't answer any of my calls. I ended up having to call a friend out from work to take me home. When we got there I saw just one note on the counter saying he can't do this. A few of our daughters special toys were removed from her nursery. My entire life has fallen apart in a matter of days. I asked my mom to watch my son for a little while. I still can't contact my husband. Everything feels so pointless. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**

My doctors told my husband (30M) and I (31F) that our baby has many birth defects. I want to abort, he does not.

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181te29/my_doctors_told_my_husband_30m_and_i_31f_that_our/

181te2g

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Feisty-Cupcake7060](https://www.reddit.com/user/Feisty-Cupcake7060/). She posted in r/AITAH. **Trigger Warning:** >!drug addiction; using drugs while pregnant; emotional abuse!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!sad, but OOP is amazing!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16sedo5/am_i_the_asshole_for_insisting_my_sister_uphold/)**: September 25, 2023** So there’s a lot of backstory here. My sister Lily F35, had my niece Emma F9 when she was 26. She was at the time living with my parents along with her then boyfriend and they had both just gotten out of rehab for heroin addiction. Both her and her boyfriend were not able to stay clean for long, and she was using throughout her pregnancy. When Emma was almost 2 months, she came to me begging me to take Emma for two months while she checked into rehab again to get clean. I was 22 yo living in an efficiency apartment while putting myself through law school, but my parents insisted they couldn’t care for an infant and had suggested foster care to my sister, so I took my niece in.When my sister got out of her rehab, she got back together with her BF who was still taking drugs and thus began 5 years of a vicious cycle where one of them would get clean only to be dragged back under by the other. I took legal guardianship Emma, although it was still supposed to be temporary. Every time Lily would bring up taking her back I would agree on the condition that they both passed a drug test and it simply never happened. When Emma was almost 6 years old, my sister came to me saying she was once again pregnant. This was the turning point for her, and she gave birth to my nephew having been clean for almost 8 months. Obviously it was very hard for both me and Emma, going from her living with me, to moving back with her parents. We went to court and worked out a custody arrangement where I still have Emma every weekend, but she spends the week with her mom and dad. We attended family therapy all together for the first year, and once we settled on a routine we stopped. Here comes the issue; my sister is once again pregnant and she and her former bf (now husband) say that they don’t want to allow Emma to come with me weekends because apparently she comes home to them “acting like a brat”. I absolutely understand the issue, I explained to my sister that when Emma is with me she is the center of attention and going from that to having to fight her brother for her moms limited attention between bouts of morning sickness has to be hard. I offered to take my nephew weekends as well to give my sister some rest, or to possibly resume family therapy so Emma could work through these changes. My sister simply told me that Emma would be taking a break from spending time with me. I let her have two weekends with Emma and then when she continued to stonewall me I threatened to take her to court. We have a custody agreement in place and I am still one of Emma’s legal guardians. She said I’m throwing the past in her face, and won’t let her be a real mother to Emma. I’m conflicted, I raised Emma for almost 6 years and I treasure every moment I spend with her, but am I getting in the way? Emma calls me every evening and asks what we are doing over the weekend and why I don’t have time for her, so I think additionally my sister is spinning it as me not wanting her to come. I just want what’s best for Emma, so Reddit AITAH? Edit to clear up some misunderstandings. Emma is now 9, my sister has been clean for over 3 years. We transitioned Emma very slowly, she was with her parents every other weekend for a year, then we had 50/50 split and now I have weekends. For those saying I’m making it difficult for them to spend family time on weekends, I have always been flexible and if they told me they had weekend plans I would absolutely let them take Emma. This is not about them wanting to do stuff with Emma, this is about them not wanting ME to do stuff with Emma. They send her brother to my parents house Saturday and Sunday so they can unwind, and the past two weekends they sent Emma to her grandparents as well, so I don’t see how it’s that different if I take her. My sister is a stay at home mom, she does not work so she has plenty of time with Emma. She is almost 300 lbs and rarely leaves the house, which always looks like a tornado hit. My parents purchased my sister a house when Emma was 3 in hopes that would help with her being able to regain custody, so with my BIL working an IT job they are able to make ends meet. I drive Emma to Karate, Swimming and Girl scouts every week and am in constant contact with her to make sure she is doing well. My BIL HAS relapsed twice in the passed 3 years, but he was kicked out of the house both times so Emma wasn’t forced to witness anything. For those saying that they are using Emma as a babysitter, I really don’t think so. My sis rarely leaves the house and I make sure Emma has lots of activities because I think it’s important that she is out of the house and active. Also, apparently they recently let her watch her 3 year old brother for 2 hours and she was so excited that they payed her $20. **Edit (Same Post): September 27, 2023 (2 days later)** so the comments about what might be happening at home with Emma really scared me. I reached out to the therapist Emma used to see and made an appointment for Friday after school. The way we always do appointments is she gets to talk to her therapist alone first and then I come in and we talk together. I’m going to make sure she knows I will always have time for her and will always want her. I’m also going to ask whether she’s happy living with her parents or whether she would prefer we to spend less time there. Wish me luck, and thank you all for your feedback. ***Relevant Comments:*** *On the transition/how things happened:* "I would never let them sever our bond. We were very slow to transition her, they had her every other weekend for almost a year before we switched her primary residence. I know that I could easily get custody back, I’m a lawyer and I not only know every loophole in the law, I know the people in the system which is why I don’t doubt I could regain custody and would if I thought they she wasn’t safe… I just don’t know if that’s the right move. Emma makes it clear that she considers me a mom, but my sister harbors so much guilt for not being there and is trying so hard to be the best mother possible. It’s hard to see the forest through the trees" "We transitioned slowly so they had weekends for the first year, then we had 50/50 split for almost a year and now I have had weekends for almost a year." *On Emma's behavior:* "She was doing really well until my sister got pregnant again. She loved having a little brother and she had started calling my sister mom for the first time. I’m paying for her to attend the private school she attended preschool and kindergarten for, and she was really doing well with a stable social group and teachers. Apparently she started coming back from her weekends with me and she wouldn’t listen to her parents for the first two to three days of the week and by the time my sister felt Emma was following house rules it was time for my weekend and the cycle just kept repeating. And yes, my sister has openly admitted that she is jealous of me. Not only of my bond with Emma, but also of the fact that I can financially afford to provide Emma with a lot that she can’t. She says I spoil her and I’ll openly admit I do, she’s my girl and I want to give her the world." "From what I understand she simply doesn’t listen when they tell her to do things, like do the dishes or get off the iPad. It’s hard because we don’t really have the same dynamic, I have her out of the house all day during the weekend doing activities and I don’t let her have screen time except right after dinner sometimes. And I have a dishwasher so she just puts her dishes away… but I’ve never had any issues with her listening to me." *Guilt:* "I have a lot of guilt associated with Emma calling me Mom. She called me mom for the first 3 years of her life, then my sister came to visit and when Emma called me mom she had a breakdown. Screaming, crying and asking how could I let Emma think I was her mother. It really scared and confused Emma and when my parents got involved it was decided that Emma should call me something else… anything else." ***There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but the majority of opinions seemed to be NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17x7hg2/update_to_am_i_the_asshole_for_insisting_my/)**: November 16, 2023 (7 weeks later- recovered with rareddit)** Hey, I’ve had so many people reach out for an update but the last month has been so crazy. Firstly, I will link my original post here; [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16sedo5/am\_i\_the\_asshole\_for\_insisting\_my\_sister\_uphold/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.rareddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16sedo5/am_i_the_asshole_for_insisting_my_sister_uphold/) So, in short my sister gave birth and I now have custody of all 3 children. I took Emma to an emergency therapy session, and she revealed a lot of mental manipulation that Lily had been doing. Apparently my sister told her that she had to beg me to take her as a baby, that I had never wanted her and gave her back as soon as I was able. Giving my sister credit where it is due, I did not originally want to take my niece in. I was in my first year of law school, living in an efficiency apartment and flat broke. The idea of caring for an infant, even for just a couple months, while in school was scary and i didn’t know how I would manage. I relied heavily on government assistance and my parents. That didn’t mean I didn’t love her, or that I wanted to give her back. I was trying to do what I thought was best for her at every turn. After the therapy session, I filed for an emergency custody order, citing parental alienation, but also the ace up my sleeve that my sister was using marijuana, which violated her conditions under which she could have custody. It’s not legal in my state, and she doesn’t have a prescription either, so I requested a drug test and a home visit as I also cited the state of the home. I had said that the house was a mess, but it was to the point of being a health hazard and a hoarding situation. I was granted emergency custody and CPS showed up at my sisters door on the following Monday. I knew this much was going to happen, I said on my previous post that I was confident in the fact I could get custody back and that is because I was aware of her use of weed. To be clear, I didn’t see it as a problem, she gets migraines and uses it. However I was not above weaponizing it if need be. This is however where everything went off the rails unexpectedly. Some people on the last post said that I clearly dislike my sister. I don’t, I love her and I think that most of her troubles are due to her trusting nature and the people she surrounds herself with. However I will be clear, I hate my BIL. When CPS arrived, they found that my BIL had been growing not only marijuana in the basement, but also psychedelic mushrooms. When they drug tested both of them, they found not only marijuana in their systems, but several other drugs, including fentanyl which was probably laced with whatever they were using. They immediately removed my nephew, and reached out to me to take him. They were both arrested on charges related to my BIL’s horticultural activities in the basement. I can honestly say I didn’t see it. I knew she was depressed, but I didn’t see any signs of her using again, and the fact that she was pregnant and using… words can’t express my betrayal. I adjusted to life with 2 kids very quickly, but I knew that she was going to have another infant soon. So, I visited my pregnant sister in jail and I made a deal with her. She gave up all parental rights to all 3 kids in exchange for me paying her bail and providing her with an attorney so that she had the best possible chance of avoiding jail time. Unfortunately, I had to also bail my BIL out and pay for his attorney fees. She gave birth a week ago, thankfully she didn’t have to give birth in jail, and thankfully my second nephew seems to be healthy despite her drug and alcohol use. I have full custody of emma and both her brothers, and am in the process of filing for legal adoption, which is far different than guardianship, but I don’t have doubts I will be successful given both parents signed away their rights. I know I’m doing the right thing, the past has shown me that I don’t want to be in limbo, waiting for her to be clean long enough to take the kids back. It has also proven to me that I can’t trust her, I don’t want to co-parent with someone who will lie and manipulate like she did. Emma is thriving, I have literally never seen her happier, and despite some sleepless nights the baby and I are doing well. I worry most for my 3 year old nephew, Ian. He is doing well so far but I don’t think it has sunk in that this is permanent. We will definitely be doing family therapy. I hope that I have covered everything, thank you so much to everyone who convinced me that everything was not right with Emma. Without you, I don’t like to think what could have happened. Edit; I have seen a lot of concern in the comments about my sister having another baby. It is very unlikely. The reason she had Emma in the first place was because she wasn’t on any form of birth control because she thought she couldn’t get pregnant. When she was a teenager she had to have one of her ovaries removed and the doctor said there was very little chance of getting pregnant. Emma was breech when she was born so my sister had to have a cesarean and thus had a cesarean with both other children. According to the doctor, when my latest nephew was born, there were complications and due to extensive scarring in addition to only one ovary the doctor told her that it’s very unlikely she will have more children. It’s not impossible that she could have another child, but the chances are so low that with everything else I need to worry about, I am choosing not to worry about that for the time being. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Info/curiosity on law school:* "I finished law school almost 7 years ago. I worked as an ADA fresh out of law school and now I work as a criminal defense attorney occasionally working some family law cases. I’m taking a business certification in international law right now as I was raised in Europe, now live in the states, and I was interested in possibly switching to being an attorney for an international company with the possibility of travel. Now I will have to take the kids into account with any job changes. I spent my childhood always traveling and although I love the different cultures I was introduced to, I never had a chance to put down roots." *Have your parents chimed in on this?* "My parents and I are taking a break from each other. When I filed for emergency custody my parents were livid and we both said some things. I understand their position, it really seemed like my sister’s family had pulled it all together and my parents thought I was trying to ruin that. I think that things changed when everything shook out, this is the first time they have refused to bail my sister out, but they haven’t reached out and I would rather give it some time. I’m sleep deprived and overwhelmed right now and I don’t want to say anything more I might regret."

Am I the Asshole for insisting my sister uphold her end of our custody agreement?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181te2g/am_i_the_asshole_for_insisting_my_sister_uphold/

181tfw5

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRA-amba **My (F31) Husband (M32) doesnt want to spend time with his family. Ive gotten closer to one of our friends (M31) and am now in love with him. Need help navigating this.** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional infidelity, death of a parent, spousal neglect!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/GKfq4UM75c) **Nov 13, 2023** Lost and in deep. I need help. I’m not sure this is the best place for this type of thing? But if theres a better place please point me in the right direction. So, me (F31) and my husband (M32) have a 4 year old daughter together. Same old story, great in the beginning, the usual small arguments and especially since having our daughter hes way more distant. Would rather spend his time playing video games than spend time with me or our daughter. Oh and if hes not playing games? Hes on youtube on his phone…watching people play games….. We have a tight friend group that I married into, so to speak. 14 of us. Everyone atleast went to highschool with eachother some went to elementary. Im the only outsider. Around 8 months ago a couple from this group bought a house very close to ours. Naturally our daughters have became closer friends and want to do alot of things together. So she joined the same dance class as ours. The class is at 8am on Saturdays, so the dad takes her. Meet S (M31) S and I have always gotten along, we met around 9 years ago when my husband and I got together. The first week at class we sat together for the hour in the waiting room. Its seperate from the hall so we cant actually watch. We usually just sit in awkward silence. S is quite a funny guy so it flew by with his company. The next week hes there and says hes going to get a coffee instead of sitting in that room. Im welcome to join if im not busy. I agree and we get in his car. We end up stuck in traffic so by the time we get there theres not much time left to sit in and have it so we get it to go and sat for 20 minutes in his car. Thats fine. The next week he says hes doing the same thing. Im welcome to join. We go again and this time, I dont know why but I got very paranoid about it. I asked if we could just get it in the drive through and stay in the car again. He says sure and we end up passing his phone between us picking terrible songs from our childhood for the hour, it was actually quite fun. And every week for the past 8 months has went like this and Ive not told my husband about any of it. I lost my dad a few months ago and my husband just didnt care. No compassion. No comforting. Nothing I couldnt believe the man I married was acting this way when I needed him most. I couldnt even cry around him without him huffing and puffing. S turned to my outlet during this time and Ive cried in his arms several times. Through this he asked how things were at home and I was honest with him and told him Ive never felt more alone than when I’m at home with my husband. Hes been amazing putting up with me, and had suggested a marriage counsellor, which I brought to my husband but he was having none of it. S has told me he feels differently about my husband, he had no idea he was like that and has actually made a few comments towards him about it, but as usual, way above my husbands head. Ive lost feelings for my husband, and probably did a long time ago. And have fallen for S hard. I feel wrecked with guilt. Confused. Hurt, sad, but all of that goes away when I see his face. I want to add here that in no way has S ever been inappropriate to me. Hes never acted creepy, never said anything suggestable, never caught him staring, nothing at all that would suggest he has alternate motives. But I’m ashamed to admit, the only reason we havent kissed or had sex is because hes never made a move. Im scared because the way he makes me feel I dont think I would say no or pull away. Theres been a few times after seeing him when I get home that all I do is wish he did make a move. And that makes me a horrible fucking person. This all sounds crazy for someone I spend an hour with every morning at the weekend but its spilled over to other clubs our kids go to. Ill see him at nursery. I started matching our dog walking times some days so we will see each other. If theres an excuse to see him, I’ll find it and use it. I know this is bad, and I need to do something about it, but when it comes to it, I never do anything, because I dont want to. Then hours after I’m battling my head telling myself I need to stop and I need to sort my marriage whether that be working on it or seperating. I want to tell S how I feel but I dont want to look like a fool. I dont want to scare him. What if it blows up their marriage? What if our kids cant see each other? What happens to the friend group if this gets out? Its a fucking mess. I dont know what to do because we will still see each other a lot. My husband would never take our daughter to classes so I’m stuck with that. I always do the nursery runs. How can I get over him if hes everywhere? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/NGfYiBTjB3) **Nov 14, 2023** Seeing as my last post got an overwhelming amount of attention, I thought I would post an update. I want to thank everyone who messaged me privately all from very similar situations. Reading through your messages, its crazy to me how many people seem to be married to the same person! Its given me the strength I needed to make this decision. Those that left not so nice messages, please think about how your words are going to impact someone. Its very easy to sit behind a computer or phone and type up the horrible things you have. Ive had people sending me messages saying I should kill myself. That my baby should be taken from me. That I’m a whore. That I shouldnt be allowed out in public. I dont deserve those messages. No one does. A lot of people posting here will be in a vulnerable state as it is. Theres no need for it and your the one that comes off looking broken. Ill reiterate here for the people who didnt seem to understand. Ive not slept with "S” Ive made no moves to do so. I havent kissed S, and have made no moves to do so. I said if he made a move, with my frame of mind, I think I would be in trouble. Im certain there will be other women here who know what I’m talking about regarding this. Anyway, yesterday I kept the same routine, off out our walk with the dogs at night, home and bed. Just before jumping into bed S text me asking if I used reddit……my heart sank. I told him I did and asked why. He sent me a link to my post and said did you post this? I admitted it was me, and waited for the ground to swallow me up. He replied with "wow" And a few minutes later text me saying not to stress. He wont tell anyone. Take the night to myself and think things over and we will talk tomorrow (which is now today). He told me we were going to sort it out, everything will be fine but we need boundaries. I was a wreck last night, but after a few hours I calmed down. Didnt get much sleep. I read through all the messages I had gotten. And reading them and looking at my husband passed out on the otherside of the bed I was seething with anger. I have no idea why. Thats spilled over to this morning and I’m not even going to talk it through with him. Were done. Im organising things while hes out so I can leave quickly if I need to. Im sorting a place to stay today and contacting lawyers. I can feel the relief coming and nothing he says will stop me leaving. If he asks I’ll tell him there was someone who made me realise the life I have with him is not the life I want. I wont tell him who. Hes been given countless chances to step up to the plate and everytime he fails me and our daughter for his own selfishness. He will never change. I havent spoken to S yet today and I dont really know how that side of things will pan out. I hope we can remain friends, but I totally understand if he wants to take a step back. I cant hold anything against him. And despite what people are telling me I want in my last post I DO NOT want to interfere in anyones marriage. I may post another update, I may not. The last post was hard to keep ontop of. Im not sure exactly what day, but the conversation will be had before friday. Thank you for the words of encouragement, I really needed it. ##**NEW UPDATE** * [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/u/ThrowRA-amba/s/8mkEP3MR8b)  **Nov 24, 2023** **EDITORS NOTE: EDITED OUT THE TOP PART AS IT'S A REHASH OF PREVIOUS POST** FURTHER UPDATE: The update above, kept being filtered out, and is now a week old. Seeing as I’m already posting this, I may aswell tell you all what has happened the past week. I feel much better, it feels like such a relief. Husband has been trying to contact me non stop. Despite being told the only communication between us will be about our daughter, I’m not interested in hearing his bullshit anymore. This has brought his true colours out and only solidified my choice. He has been struggling, and my 2nd night out the house I received a text from S to say my husband was currently at their house, in tears. Awkward. Hes been leaning on them for support and from what I hear, will do anything he can to get me back. Which is odd considering the multiple messages hes sent telling me that me and our daughter ruined his life and that he never wanted any of us. I have lots of great support from friends and family, much to his chagrin. Me and S have limited contact, though he still checks in to make sure I’m alright and if me and my daughter need anything. We spoke and we both agree, I’m experiencing limerance. I reiterated that I’m not out to sleep with him, and that I have been in a very fragile state of mind for god knows how long. It doesnt make it any easier when it comes to his wife. I feel horrible and fully accept it if neither of them want to remain friends. She hasnt been told yet, but will be when things have settled a bit. I already no longer feel like I’m in love with him, its more like he showed me the light, and made me realise that the way we were living wasnt normal or healthy, and that I deserve better. My husband has his own issues, like we all do. But they dont fix themselves, and I cant waste my life away in the hopes that they do. I do hope he gets himself whatever help he needs. If not for him, for our daughter, she doesnt deserve to come 2nd to videogames and youtube. Again, I want to thank everyone who chimed in with advice and the ones who sent me their own similar stories, and I hope anyone reading these in a similar situation can take something away from my story. Dont settle and waste as many years as I did. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My (F31) Husband (M32) doesnt want to spend time with his family. Ive gotten closer to one of our friends (M31) and am now in love with him. Need help navigating this.

NEW UPDATE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181tfw5/my_f31_husband_m32_doesnt_want_to_spend_time_with/

181tgdl

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Throwrahazard2023 **AITAH for getting mad my fiancé was cheap with my ring?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/nVNg4Lh4cn) **Nov 14, 2023** He (35M) proposed and he got me a sterling silver ring from Walmart when he went there to get his nephew a Halloween costume. He gave me the receipt so I can return or exchange if it’s not one I liked. He makes good money (as do I) and he got me a ring that is less than 2 hours of his wage (post tax!). Meanwhile, for his bday, I got him something that was 10x more expensive than he got for my engagement ring. He routinely buys gadgets or toys more expensive. I said I was offended and he would have pissed me off less if he just proposed with a ring pop. The dude went out and got a ring pop the next day! Not only did he go cheap, he didn’t even find out my style or what I liked. He asked if I was seriously considering refusing the proposal just because of the ring and I’m being THAT type of girl. Do you think I’m the AH for caring how cheap he went and how little effort he put into the ring he expects me to wear my entire life? (Ps I do buy my own jewelry, and yes, they are almost all more expensive than this) Update: It was miscommunication. He assumed people usually propose w a standin ring but never said it to me. He got the gaudy ring bc he thought i was “that type” as in someone who wanted MORE bling bling but i like subtle rings (looks simple from top, from side it’s like oh!). I showed him the ring i like, he agreed and said “oh shit, that’s nice looking. Shit man, i have bad taste in jewlery. Let’s go try and find a store/jeweler this weekend” (I just returned the entire ring) [Update: husband got a cheap ring](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BMorPpOX0x) **Nov 16, 2023** So I talked to him after we both cooled off and explained why his actions were offensive. It was cheap and thoughtless and essentially the exact opposite of what I like. (I want a nice elegant platinum ring, he got me a flashy gaudy plated silver ring). Not only do I not like it, it definitely wouldn’t be something I wear for life. He was confused and said he just needed a prop for the proposal and thought couples pick our the rings later. He figured we would go in the next few months and get matching rings. He said he knew he was no good at picking jewelry so he got the most flashy one since that’s what most girls like (or he thinks). I asked what he means by calling me “that” girl. He thought I was the type who wanted a massive and more flashy bigger ring. (Like 10ct). He said hr has no issues getting me a nice set and we agreed to go look at rings this weekend. Edits/answers • he makes upper 6 figures. And i had a typo, mean to say cost less than 1 hr wage. Ofc i know how much he makes. Duh. He knows how much i make too. • As i said, i’d been fine if he had said we each get our own rings. To those who are crying about gold digging: calm down, i probably make more than you (Mid 6 figures, early career) • we meet bc our niece/nephew are in the same daycare. We worked at the same place but we didn’t really interact before that. • he proposed at work. Though he hi jacked the party my friend threw me to propose. • no one said anything about diamond. Idgaf about diamond. I’m fine with either diamond (lab or mined) or moissanite. I do want platinum setting for practical reasons (low maintenance) • yeah i’m spoiled, so what? I spoil him too. No i didn’t get him an engagement ring bc he doesn’t want to wear two rings. He probably wouldn’t even wear one ring (surgeon) or will lose it one week in The one he got: https://www.walmart.com/ip/380843682 Vs my dream ring: https://pin.it/Tc1bwM0 **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITAH for getting mad my fiancé was cheap with my ring?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181tgdl/aitah_for_getting_mad_my_fiancé_was_cheap_with_my/

181th38

**I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]** **My husband got another new (female) troop, but this one feels a little off.** **Originally posted to** r/Airforce **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Infidelity!< **ACRONYMS** **BLUF = Bottom Line Up Front** **NCO = Non-Commissioned Officer** **AD SSGT = Active Duty Staff Sargeant** **ALS = Airman Leadership School** **SNCOA = Senior Non-Commissioned Officer Academy** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirForce/s/yhrCyjIXgy) **Oct 2, 2020** Posting for my reddit-less friend: Heyo. I know this isn’t an advice place, but just needing some insight on if Im just having a hard time reacclimating, if this is how other male NCOs interact with their troops, or if I actually should talk to him about this. I’m also an AD SSgt. We’ve both had plenty of opposite gender troops, no issues, it’s part of the job. Keep all your ducks in a row, keep your ass covered, right? My husband got a new troop a few months ago, and she has been (IMO) crossing lines. Weird texts at 2 AM (they’re not shift work, just ye olde medical 0730-1630), trying to add him on snap, adding him on FB and messaging him memes 5+ times a day, sending him hearts on his IG stories, etc. I generally trust my husband, but we have honestly been rocky since I got back from deployment in August. Pretty standard reacclimation shit, or I thought originally. He talks about her way more than any of his other three troops or any of the female troops he’s had, I knew her name and life story within 7 days of being home. He talks about her (stories she’s told him, so-and-so did this and said this today, so-and-so dyed her hair, so-and-so brought me this at lunch) 1-3 times a day M-F. It rubs me wrong— I think we all know that if we have a “get your blues ready” troop, we come home bitching about them regularly. “You won’t believe what this dipshit did” kinda stuff. But this is different, and I feel like she’s part of my day now, like doing the dishes or picking up the dog’s poop. She’s a horrible troop and he expects the blues call regularly, so it’s not because she’s one of the rare stellar ones that’s going somewhere. I know how to talk to my troops about unprofessional relationships, but your spouse is different. like I said were a little rocky after this deployment and I don’t want to be telling my husband how to treat his troops and overstepping. Anyway, I know this isn’t an advice column but I needed some other active duty/NCOs input on if I’m just being anal or what, thanks ETA: Thanks everyone so much. Really appreciate the community. I heard exactly what I needed, from peep, NCO, and SNCO perspectives, and will move forward accordingly. And if if he has a key to her house, I’ll update you ;D [Update from forever ago: husband got a female troops that feels a little off](https://www.reddit.com/r/AirForce/s/r1Q86XUp9d) **June 22, 2021** If anyone remembers this from over 6 months ago, I thought it would get a few laughs/ITYS. BLUF: my husband (both NCOs) got a new troop— female— and she seemed to be crossing boundaries. I needed advice on how to proceed both as an NCO and as a spouse. I showed him the thread to prove I wasn’t “just feeling insecure”, and he decided better safe than sorry, talked to his super, and troop got a new supervisor. Fast forward to now, about 7 months later. Female troop got another married male supervisor, this one had a few kids. Well, now he’s got one more, because female troop is due with a little bundle of joy! They got caught in his office, (paternity test *allegedly* had to happen, *apparently* she had many encounters with different NCOs and there’s a whole investigation now. They also had a surprise change of command, but the details on it haven’t hit the rumor mill yet) and the rest is history. NCOs, cover your asses with troops that are a little too comfortable! ETA: I didn’t say this originally, my fault, but the NCOs that engaged in *activities* with troop are just as much to blame. I’m not just gonna slut shame her, because NCOs are charged with guiding troops for a reason and these men were a fair bit older than her. Everyone involved is shitty, and now a poor kid is gonna come into this shitshow. I meant CYA to those that see the signs of boundaries being violated! This thing has come to an end, so I’m gonna give back this Reddit thang to my buddy, thanks to everyone for going on this “you’re definitely gonna hear about this in ALS and SNCOA from now on” story! **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My husband got another new (female) troop, but this one feels a little off.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181th38/my_husband_got_another_new_female_troop_but_this/

182axs9

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Hot_Professional6249 **in** r/amiwrong trigger warnings: >!divorce, infidelity, parental abandonment, gaslighting, false allegations of cheating!< mood spoilers: >!reasonably positive for OOP!<   [**Am I wrong for divorcing my ex-wife over kids and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/17ld4od/am_i_wrong_for_divorcing_my_exwife_over_kids_and/) **- 1st November 2023** I want to preface this by saying that I have no intentions of getting back with my ex and I’m in a very happy relationship with my now fiancée. And I’m sorry this is long, I just wanted to add all the context in and I’m not the best with words. I (46m) married my ex-wife (45f) when we were 26 and 25 respectively. At that time, we were both on the fence about having kids. I knew since college that I wanted to retire early, and my dream of having financial freedom was what really made me realize that kids didn’t fit into the life I wanted. I was trying to find the right time to talk with her about it, but over the next few weeks, she started dropping hints that she wanted kids. She started showing me photos of her friends’ kids, commenting on our nieces and nephews, joking about her getting/being pregnant (that one freaked me out), and even bought me a book on the joys of fatherhood that she “thought I’d find interesting”. I sat her down and asked her if she wanted kids, and she admitted that over the years she had grown to want a family. We had a conversation about it and I realized that neither one of us was going to change our minds. I didn’t want to keep her from what she wanted in life, so I brought up divorce. She really didn’t want to divorce, and kept trying to get me to want kids, but I stuck to what I wanted and we ended up separating. I obviously still loved her, but that’s why I wanted to divorce. We were still young and she could find someone to have the family she wants with. I didn’t want her to resent me for forcing my life choices onto her. Even after I filed for divorce, she still didn’t agree with me and dragged it out as long as she could, so the divorce took almost 2 years. I dated over the years, but never really found someone that I could see myself sharing the rest of my life with until I met my now fiancée 4 years ago. Apparently, my ex-wife struggled with dating as well and hasn’t remarried yet. She has a son, but the kid’s dad isn’t in the picture. She recently reached out to me and asked if we could meet to catch up. I talked with my fiancée about it and she thought it’d be a great way to clear up any bad blood between us, so I agreed to meet up with her for coffee. Things seemed to be going well until she brought up her son. She asked me if I was willing to be a part of his life as a “masculine influence”, and I told her I was glad that she was able to have a child, but that it still wasn’t something I was interested in. She tried to change my mind by saying that we could be a family again. She kept trying to convince me, and I kept trying to change the subject. I admit I got frustrated because things weren’t going as I hoped they would, and I told her that I was happy with my fiancée’s name and that I was not interested in her. She started to insult my fiancée so I left. I thought what happened was crazy. When I agreed to meet with her, it never even occurred to me that she might want to get back together considering how long it’s been and, you know, I’m not single. She kept messaging me, so I blocked her, and I don’t plan on talking with her again. I was talking with my sister and her husband about it, and they said that while I’m totally right for rejecting her now, that it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life. They both agreed that my ex was right for wanting to work it out. They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind. I just don’t agree that kids are something one should “compromise” on. I just don’t see how it’s possible for it to not be a bad situation for everyone involved that breeds resentment. I don’t know my ex’s child at all, and I don’t agree that it’s my responsibility to step up just because his bio dad didn’t. I asked some other friends and family, and they agreed with my sister, so now I’m not sure if what I did was wrong or not and I was just wrongly justifying it to myself. **TL;DR:** I divorced my wife after we fell on different sides of the child free fence. I’m currently engaged, but my ex reached out and wanted to meet up so that she could apologize for how she treated me during and after the divorce. She instead tried to get me to agree to being a “masculine influence” in her kid’s life, but I declined. My sister and BIL think I’m wrong for refusing to be a part of the kid’s life, and that I was also wrong for divorcing my ex in the first place. My mom and some other family and friends agree with my sister.   **Comments** **heathelee73** *Not wrong. You did the right thing in divorcing over having very different expectations for your lives. If you divorced her over you Not wanting kids, I can't understand why she would think that you would want to or be willing to fill a fatherly type role with the kid she did end up having with someone else. Your sister and BIL are nuts. Kids are not something to compromise on. They are a 2 yes, 1 no situation.* &#x200B; >OOP: She used my social media posts of me with mine and my fiancée’s nieces and nephews as “proof” that I wasn’t against kids. I like kids, I just don’t want any of my own. She thought I had changed my mind about kids because of the posts and said I was being a hypocrite by refusing to be in her son’s life the way I was in my nieces and nephews lives. > >What they were arguing is that if I hadn’t divorced my ex-wife, she could have convinced me to have kids, and then her kids would have a father figure. I was the one who pushed for divorce and broke our potential family. &#x200B; **susiefreckleface** *Upcoming gross and sensitive alert. Turn away if you are sensitive. Hopefully there is zero chance you knocked her up. Could she have turkey basted from a spent condom or something.* *Have a lovely re-marriage and treat your fiancée like she is the only love for you. That little tete meeting up with your ex did cast a shadow in her mind. Help that shadow dissipate for good. Yes low contact with the others forever.* &#x200B; >OOP: We divorced 16 years ago and her son is 11, so no possible way he could be mine. Thank you for your concern, but my fiancée is fine, no “shadow” was created. We are both very secure in our relationship and she was the one who encouraged me to meet with her so she could apologize to me for how she lied and talked shit about me. Even though that’s not what ended up happening, my intentions were clear and never changed. &#x200B; >I’m about 98% sure about who the kid’s father is, and if I’m right then I don’t really blame him. I obviously feel bad for the kid, but he was, in my books, still a kid as well. The guy I think is the father is currently about 30 (I think), but he was a recent high school graduate when my ex got pregnant. My ex and him got “engaged”, he moved away suddenly and nobody could get a hold of him, and then it came out that my ex was pregnant. He was in a trade apprenticeship program before he left, but I don’t know where he is or how he’s doing now. &#x200B; **Consensus is overwhelming Not Wrong.** &#x200B; [**Update: Am I wrong for divorcing my ex-wife over kids and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/17pe5db/update_am_i_wrong_for_divorcing_my_exwife_over/) **- 6th November 2023** So, some things have happened. My ex-wife somehow got ahold of my fiancée's phone number. She contacted her yesterday and made false accusations that I cheated on her when we met up for coffee. Obviously, my fiancée didn't believe her and just blocked her number. This morning, my sister showed up uninvited to my fiancée’s house with her kids demanding to “talk”. We don’t live together and I was not there. My fiancée originally wasn’t going to let them in, but my sister sat on her porch and refused to leave. It was cold and windy and the kids didn’t have coats on, and since it’s not the kids’ fault, she ended up giving in. She put on a show for the kids and made some coffee to prepare herself for whatever shit my sister was going to say. My sister started a whole spiel about how if she (my fiancée) really cared about me and not just my money, than she would do what’s best for me, and leave. My sister claimed that since I’ll always be connected to my ex, that I will be forever unhappy if I’m with anyone else. Apparently if my fiancée doesn’t leave me, it’s proof that she’s only with me for my money, and that it’s obvious that my ex and “our” child (which, wtf, it’s not MY kid) would actually use the money in a “godly way.” My fiancée laughed in my sister’s face and just stared at her until she left. My fiancée and I are both a little confused by what she said. I am better off financially than my fiancée, but not by that much. I’m also not religious, so even if I DID get back with my ex, me and my money would still not be ✨godly✨ We know she’s crazy, but again, why did she think her “plan” would do anything? After my sister left, my fiancée called me and told me what happened. I called my sister to tell her 1. to leave my fiancée alone and 2. that she was crazy and delusional. She defended herself by saying that she knew what was best for me and was just protecting me from going through with the wedding since my fiancée was “obviously taking advantage of me,” and that since I’m “under her spell,” I can’t protect myself. I again told her she was crazy and delusional, and told her that I never wanted to hear from her, or anyone who’s siding with my ex, again, and to please pass that message on. Everytime a family member or friend messages me about it (which has been 6 just since this morning), I ask them what their thoughts on the matter are, and if they side with my ex or sister, I block them. **TL;DR:** My ex somehow got my fiancée’s number and tried to convince her that I cheated on her. My fiancée blocked my ex. My sister showed up this morning at my fiancée’s house demanding to talk and basically told my fiancée that if she didn’t break up with me, it was proof that she didn’t actually love me and was just using me for my money. Her reasoning was that since I’m still “connected” to my ex, I will be unhappy with anyone who is not my ex, and if my fiancée cared about me, she would leave me so I could be with my ex. I confronted my sister and ended up deciding to go no contact with her and anyone who agrees with her.   **Ritocas3** *Info out curiosity: how many people in your family have you blocked so far?* &#x200B; >OOP: 10, including my sister. This is because I also block the spouses of the person. I’ve also blocked 2 couples that I’m friends with (not anymore) that I’m not related to. &#x200B; **queenrosa** *INFO: What race and religion are you, your ex, and your fiance? Curious as to why your family so pro your ex and anti your fiance? What does your ex have that your fiance does in their eyes?* &#x200B; >OOP: I’m half-Korean/half-white European and agnostic, my ex is white European and Christian (very specific church, but if I say what it is, it would be fairly easy for anyone to find me and my family), and my fiancée is white European and somewhat agnostic but does have some fluid spiritual beliefs. &#x200B; >My fiancée is also a divorcée, she divorced her ex-husband because he had an affair, and apparently that is not a good enough reason. I know 3 people, including my sister, that have forgiven their spouses for cheating. My fiancée has a very extensive rock collection (hobby), does yoga (easy on the joints), and burns incense (it smells good), and my family has seen a few Facebook posts about witches and thinks she’s one. In their eyes it means she’s “worshipping the devil.”   **moarwineprs** Your sister and family's reaction makes a lot of sense with your edit to the first post that they're all part of a religion that doesn't believe in divorce. Like the other commenters I was wondering WTF your family was on until I read the edit. Glad your fiancee is in your corner. I am not versed in what it takes to get a restraining order, no-contact order, or something similar, but maybe start looking into something like that for your ex-wife. It's too bad that her son's biodad isn't in the picture, but you literally have nothing to do with that. And you're right, having kids is not a thing to "try and see if you like it" because there is no undo button without tragedy, trauma, and/or at least one person going to jail for murder. &#x200B; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

Am I wrong for divorcing my ex-wife over kids and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?

CONCLUDED

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/182axs9/am_i_wrong_for_divorcing_my_exwife_over_kids_and/

182k5jv

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/lively\_hobbit](https://www.reddit.com/user/lively_hobbit/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole **Mood Spoiler:** >!happy ending!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17tvhbp/aita_for_refusing_to_smile_at_someone_who_told_me/)**: November 12, 2023** This interaction took place a couple of months ago, around late July or early August 2023, and it took place in one of those stores where everything is super cheap - think Dollar Tree, Dollar Store, etc. I (24F) had gone with my brother (21M) and mother (early 50s F) to grab some cheap snacks. On that day, I was wearing a baseball cap with the name and logo of my grad school on it. After going through the store and grabbing what we wanted, we got in line to check out. The cashier was a man, maybe in his 40s or 50s - let's call him "Bill." When we got to the front of the line, the three of us checked out separately and I went last. My mom and brother stood a couple of feet away to wait for me while Bill was ringing me up. After some small talk, Bill looked up and noticed my hat. "\[grad school's name\], huh?" I nodded, and he asked "you or that guy?" and nodded over toward my brother. I told him that I was the one in grad school, and he goes back to ringing up my items. After a few seconds, he looks back up and stares at me. The conversation then went as follows: >Bill: "You know, you're not going to get very far in life if you can't smile at people." > >Me: "I'm sorry?" (I hadn't done anything that would have been rude or off-putting - at least, not that I'm aware of.) > >Bill, shrugging: "Ladies don't get paid the big bucks if they can't be nice. Women have to be nice to be successful." > >Me, annoyed and deadpan: "Not in my experience." > >Bill: "Oh really? You sure about that?" > >Me: "Yep, pretty sure." > >Bill, shaking his head: "Sorry, you're going to have to smile more often if you want to succeed in life, sweetie, and -" > >Me, cutting him off: "Don't call me sweetie." (Annoyance has become frustration at this point.) > >Bill, looking surprised: "Hey, now, I'm just trying to help you." > >Me: "I'm good, thanks." > >Bill: "All I said was that you should smile more often. Come on, smile for me." > >Me: "Again, I'm good, thanks. I'll smile when I feel like it." When we got outside, I told my mother and brother what Bill had said. They both laughed at me and said I should have just "gone with it." Ever since then, they have continued to bring up this situation with me and with friends/family, saying things like "don't tell OP to smile, she'll snap at you" or "what about this time, OP - do you feel like smiling now?" I get more and more annoyed every time they bring it up, and every time I tell them to stop, they tell me to "lighten up." I've told some of my friends and they agree with me, but my family thinks I'm an a\*\*hole for not just going along with what Bill said. I don't think I was an a\*\*hole for refusing to smile, but I'm wondering if I should have just gone with it. TL;DR: Someone (40s-50s man) told me (24F) that I needed to smile more often in order to succeed in life, and I refused to smile at him. My family thinks I'm the a\*\*hole and that I should have just went along with it. AITA? ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17xw5i8/update_aita_for_refusing_to_smile_at_someone_who/)**: November 17, 2023** Update for a post I made here a couple of days ago: I know everyone says this on their update posts, but wow - I did NOT expect to get so many responses to my original post. Thank you to everyone who took the time to hear me out and share your opinions and experiences! I know the "you should smile more" thing for women isn't new, but reading all of your comments about your experiences with similar remarks really hammered it home for me. This wasn't okay, and I don't have to put up with those comments from my family. The day after I made the original post, I decided to call my mom and talk to her about the situation. A lot of you said that what she and my brother were doing was essentially bullying, and I hadn't thought about it that way, but you're absolutely right. When I told her about how much her comments annoyed and hurt me, she was surprised at first. She told me that she had no idea that the comments bothered me that much and that she hadn't thought about how misogynistic they were. She told me that she's received comments like "you should smile more" from creepy men for years and that she just treated it as part of life. The fact that she just dealt with it for years made me kind of sad, and while it doesn't excuse her comments, it does kind of help me understand why she didn't see a problem with them. She apologized to me and told me that she would stop, and I'm willing to believe her this time. Also, I'm going home for Thanksgiving next week, and I'm going to see most of the other people who have been making these comments to me. Your comments have given me the courage to stand up for myself, and I plan to put a stop to those comments. If they continue to give me a hard time for it, I'll just send them the link to the original post so they can see that hundreds of people on here are nicer to me than they are. <3 To the people who suggested that I contact the manager/supervisor/corporate for the store: I wanted to let you know that I did just that. I hadn't thought about it before, and I did that earlier today. As it turns out, Bill was actually let go from his position about a month ago - apparently I wasn't the only person he made these kinds of comments to. Even though I played no part in that decision, it felt like an appropriate conclusion to the situation, and I figured you deserved to know. Thank you so much for all of your kind words in your comments and messages! I haven't had time to respond to all of your comments, but I promise I've read every single one, and they definitely made me smile for a good reason. You've renewed my faith in humanity, and I feel like I just gained a few hundred new friends! I hope you all have an amazing day! <3

AITA for refusing to smile at someone who told me I should smile more?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

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