Datasets:

derek-thomas

/

processed-subset-bestofredditorupdates

like 0

18bwf9d

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/TA-454now **My (33 F) husband (38 M) wants to open up our marriage or separate** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional manipulation, mentions of childhood trauma, sleeping disorder, sexual dysfunction!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/6jIjhCkCA9)  **Nov 27, 2023** My(33 F) husband(38 M) and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6. We have two sons, four and three. A little bit about our marriage: I stoped working when I became pregnant with our first son, and never went back to work because we haven’t needed it. My husband makes a 400k working from home with a very flexible schedule. I tend to do more of the childcare since I don’t work, but honestly not that much more. He loves spending time with our children, has a rather intense personality when it comes to organization (so he’s very pro cleaning), and one of his greatest passions (along with sex) is cooking, so he plans and cooks more than half of our meals. We still have our ups and downs of course, but overall we’re both very patient and caring people in, up to this point, a very patient and caring relationship. Our views on child rearing align more or less entirely, and my entire family absolutely love him. His family is not in the picture (he grew up extremely poor in an unstable household). Before I got pregnant, we had sex 10+ times a week as a base line. Of course sometimes one of us was too busy, or stressed, or physically unwell, and that was never a problem. All things usual though, we had sex more than once a day for years. Then we decided to have children. We both love children, and knew that this would change almost every element of our lives and marriage. In conversations around this, we did discuss the likely hood of sex being less frequent for awhile, and it didn’t seem like a big deal. During the pregnancy, we continued to have pretty regular sex. That changed drastically  once my son was born. I felt like I had zero libido, but my husband was extremely understanding at the time. He said that I just grew a human, so it makes sense for my body to be prioritizing different things. He was more or less happy with more sporadic sex for the next 2 years, and I thought everything was fine. Once our youngest was around 18 months, he started to instigate more mornings and nights again. I turned him down a decent amount because I just wasn’t feeling any desire for sex. After a couple months of this, he asked me what he could do to help me get my drive “back to what it used to be”. He asked this gently, and I didn’t respond as well as I could have. It was upsetting in the moment, and we ended up having really the first big fight of our marriage over it. We both ended up apologizing, but it was only a couple weeks later that he instigated another talk about it. Mind you, it’s not like we never have sex. We’re probably having sex 2-3 times a week. He suggested that we get couple’s therapy and that maybe I should see an endocrinologist. I responded better this time, and agreed. Hormone panels came back regular, so we tried a couple different therapists for a few sessions each. Both basically said his expectations were unrealistic and partnerships are about compromise. In those sessions my husband’s response was that he isn’t ready to compromise on something that’s so important to him. He was asked if it’s more important to him than having a healthy marriage, and while he said no, in hindsight there was some definite hesitancy. Over the following months I noticed a decrease in emotional affection on his end. It’s hard to put a finger on, and for a while I told myself it was just in my head. He’s still attentive, caring, and affectionate, but there is just a lack of depth in the intimacy compare to the past 7-8 years. He also stoped initiating sex as often, which I was hope was just him becoming more comfortable with some level of compromise, but  I approached the subject with him he said that getting rejected multiple times a week wasn’t healthy for his emotional disposition, so he’s balancing how much he initiates with how much rejection he can handle. Obviously I was’t happy to hear this, and I explained to him that I wasn’t rejecting him out of any lack of love or desire for him. He said he knew that, but kind of brushed it off still. I’ve tried to get him to go to therapy by himself, but he insists that everyone has different method for processing things, and therapy isn’t one of his. So things continued like this for the rest of the year, and to be honest I kind of thought this was it. Then comes last night. He walked into our room after putting the kids down (we take turns reading them books before bedtime), and said he needed to have a serious discussion. I immediately knew it was going to be about sex, because the only times in the 9 years I’ve known him that he says “we need to talk” with such somber dread, it’s about our sex life. I was not at all prepared for what he said though. Through tears (this is the first time I’ve ever seen him cry from sadness), he said that he wasn’t built to be in a relationship that didn’t regularly express love through sex. He said that he would always love me, and that I’d always be the mother of his children, but he can’t and won’t go on like this. He told me that he believes there are only two options. Either we divorce and continue to co-parent, or we open up the marriage and he finds someone else to have sex with multiple times a week. Transparently, the first half of the ensuing conversation is a bit of blur because of how emotional it was. I went from being devastated bordering pathetic, to furious with more rage than I’ve ever felt in my life.  I said some things I regret and didn’t mean. He stayed relatively calm throughout it, but he did say that he wouldn’t have a conversation with me if I kept yelling. Eventually I calmed down, and begged him to try and rekindle our sex life. I even tried to initiate right there (which is incredibly embarrassing now), which he rejected. He said he was open to working on getting our sex life back to a place that was happy for both of us, but that can’t mean me having sex when I don’t really want to, and that he has needs he has to go get elsewhere for now. I told him I didn’t want to open up our marriage, and begged him more to work it out. He said he needed some space and he was going to go stay with a friend of his for the night. I texted him early that morning to let him know not to come, and that  I was going to take the kids to visit my parents for a couple days. He was hesitant but agreed to let me take them for a while I process. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose this marriage, but the thought of him sleeping with other people hurts so fucking much. I don’t know what I’m looking for, or if there’s any advice to be had. I feel like my world is collapsing and it’s my fault. My parents know something is wrong because of how distressed I am, and even worse both of our sons can tell. I’ve tried to hide it, but I’m a mess. My husband says if we stayed together and he felt rejected regularly, he’ll end up resenting me and that it’s better for our children to have separate parents than resentful ones…. Should I open up the marriage or move forward with divorce? TLDR husband wants to open marriage or get a divorce for not having daily sex Update: I don’t have the time to respond to individual comments at the moment but I will tomorrow. Thank you for all of your advice and support. I’ve spent most of the day talking with my mom while my dad took the kids on an adventure. I love my mom so much, she is such a rock, I do think we are heading for divorce, but I don’t want it to be one of animosity. A lot of the comments are well meaning but really assume the worst of my husband. His position on sex is extremely immature and selfish. I can see that now, and I don’t have to forgive him for it.  He is ALSO incredibly loving and kind person who has supported me through thick and thin. He holds himself to obsessively high standards, and while people will say I’m native, I know this man well and I can’t imagine him bearing the guilt of adultery. He simply thinks too high of himself and is too sensitive. He is staying at his (married) friend from college (he is god father to their three children). His wife has already reached out to offer support if I want to talk since she knows we are going through trouble…. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he will regret this, but to those that think he is going to have trouble finding people to sleep with and run back to me… well, he was a regular in a sex and BDSM communities in his 20s before we met (I knew this from early on), and never stopped exercising 6 days a week. I would like to tell myself that he would come running back after realizing it’s hard out there, but I just don’t think that’s the case. I think his view of the world is that if he does what is asked of him, he can ask the world to have his cake and eat it too. For people saying to take him for everything he has…. I’m going to talk to a divorce lawyer this week. I will of course do my due diligence, but he has always been generous with his money (with charities, friends, etc), and loves his children as much as I do…. I do not say that lightly. I’m not going to try and “ruin him”, as some have suggested. We are still going to be co parents even if we separate, and I want to handle this with maturity. If we don’t see eye to eye then I won’t shy away from court, but I honestly think he will sign whatever number I give if it’s remotely fair…. He is a bad partner for a his decision, but you don’t know him like I do and he isn’t a bad man. I’ve watched him struggle to figure this out and he is too selfish to accept the obvious answer, but it isn’t for lack of remorse. Just….: idk, immense selfishness and a will that believes the world can be what he wants, while also wanting it to be one of love and compassion… if that makes sense. Thank you again, will respond to comments when I have time. Update - 2 There are so many more comments and DMs than I could have imagined. Many of you have offered great advice and support. Many of you are well meaning, but have obviously been hurt and are projecting some of your anger onto a situation rather than providing advice for the context provided. To everyone with good intentions though, I thank you so so much. To the misogynistic/incels/creeps that invariably come out of the woods, fuck you. My husband wants to meet and talk this evening. I’m going to meet him. I’ll give one more update after we meet (if that’s allowed?). There are too many comments at this point to respond to them. To answer some questions that seemed genuine: 1: yes he is obsessive, and yes he has childhood trauma. These things don’t excuse him from what I now realize was an entirely unacceptable decision to give me an ultimatum. 2: To say that the sex is good for me when ww do have it would be an understatement. I’m not going to get into the details, but his appetite for life and energy is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He definitely has an atypical view of sex beyond his extreme high libido. He’d describe his view as not being “orgasm oriented”, and he often doesn’t orgasm. Strangely, that’s not the important part for him. I used to joke that he has sex like he cooks. Most of the best meals, and all of the best sex, I’ve ever had have come from him. 3: The advice here has made me realize that we are probably going to get divorce, and no matter what he needs therapy. He so high functioning that I never really thought he “needed” It, but some of you have made some excellent points and my mind has completely changed on that. No matter what I love him and he will always be the father of our beautiful children, so I will try to convince him to go to therapy even with us divorced. 4: I’m not going to spend more time on the infidelity. I’m sure some people are sincerely trying to help, but there’s obviously nothing I can say to convince many people that I’m not entirely native or wearing “rose colored glasses”. That’s fine. I’m sure “denial is the first step” is true for lots of adultery survivors. Internet strangers project. It’s what we do. 5: yes my libido was matching his pace for years, but i think a key difference may be that I wasn’t like that before I met him. When we started dating, his friends endearingly called him “slut” because he slept with a LOT of women. I knew all this. I was his first “serious” relationship at 29 years old, and I liked that. I always felt like his friends treated me a little special because of it. In hindsight, we should have talked about the inevitable eventual decline in sex frequency. I remember looking across the table from him on one of our first dates when he said “I eat a lot of great food and have a lot of great sex.”. At 24, it sounded like he had figured out what was important. Now at 33, I don’t think he’s matured appropriately to recognize there are so many more important things. I feel sorry for both of us that this is the case. 6: reading “divorce” literally hundreds of times in the comments has helped, I think. It still doesn’t feel real, but I don’t feel uncontrollable devastation every time I think about it now. I’m trying to digest that is probably where my life is heading. I want the divorce to be one that is led with love. I don’t care that internet strangers think that isn’t possible. He may not be capable of living the life I want, but he’s capable of that. Also, so many people are saying I should tell everyone why we are getting divorced. It’s just another point that none of you know him. I promise he will tell them. He will say we were no longer sexually compatible. There will be shock, but probably not as much as I wish. He is an incredible friend and godfather to more than one set of friends’ children. They will stick by him, just like he would stick by them. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/u/TA-454now/s/TMJYsYTCyl)  **Nov 29, 2023** Final update So many people have expressed interest in an update, and I do feel somewhat indebted to those of you who gave advice and perspectives that have actually helped me. I wasn’t really expecting my post to end up influencing me in any way, but it did make a difference. R/relationship_advice clearly stated in their rules that only one update is allowed, so I’m writing one here. I will pay it forward, and try to offer advice when I can to others from my main account. This will be my final update. Before I met my husband last night, I read every single comment and DM. Yes, every single one. With that in my head, I drove the hour to our home (leaving the kids at my parents). I went in with multiple intentions, but overall I wanted to keep my composure. I was scared to be hopeful, but I knew that deep down I was yearning for this to be a conversation where we felt connected. When I walked in, he was already sitting at the table. Jesus Christ. He looked like shit. This is a man who is typically hyper composed, so before words were even said I had already never see him like this. He tried to ask me how I was doing and how the boys are. I was blunt that the boys are fine having a snow day, and that he was the one who asked me to come here, so tell me what you want to say. The way I said it didn’t feel good as there was an air of coldness that is just so foreign to how either of us speak to each other, but it’s how it came out. He started by apologizing and saying that he could have done better at organizing his feelings and presenting what he thought our only remaining options were. I didn’t read too much into this because he almost always thinks he could have done better in every situation in hindsight and is rarely satisfied with how he performs. Then the surprise. He said that he thought about it, and that opening the marriage wouldn’t fix anything, and that it was a desperate and frantic idea he had thought the night before. He said the only way forward is for us to separate. He said he had already gotten 3 months unpaid leave approved from work to handle things. He was breaking up a little bit already, and I was doing g my best to not let that make me start breaking up because one of my goals was to try and stay calm. Part of me regrets my next move, and to be honest I know i did it because of some of the advice… I looked him in the eyes and asked him if he already found someone to sleep with. It felt cruel after I said it because I didn’t believe he had and it obviously only hurt him further. Of course he said no, and asked me if I thought he was capable of that. I told him I didn’t know what he was capable of anymore. More hurt. My emotional composure was also pretty much ruined when I said that because it made me start to cry (but at least not sobbing this time). He said the same things he said last time I saw him. That he would always love me, and that more important than anything is that I will always be our sons’ mother. We were both crying,but controllably, when the next thing came out of my mouth before I could even process it. I asked him if he’s really ready to completely miss half of their lives. I knew obviously we were going to talk about our sons, but that question wasn’t premeditated. It was a bomb. The last time I saw him was the first time I say him cry from sadness, but it was controlled crying. The only words he managed to squeeze out were “I don’t know what to do”, and then absolute break down. It isn’t that I was any way surprised by his love for our boys. I’ve known that since day one. I just honestly have never thought he was capable of losing control to the degree that followed though. He was sobbing uncontrollably. Just as bad as I had the night he sprung the ultimatum. Probably worse. In that moment, I didn’t know what to do. My heart was breaking for him and I wanted to hold and cradle him like he’s always done for me in that state. I was also still very angry at him, fair or not. I don’t know how long I sat there, but I couldn’t watch it that long before I was also crying harder and then just  saying that I was sorry. I told him I don’t want to lose him. That he’s the only person I want to wake up to every morning and share breakfast with our boys. He just said again and again that he didn’t know what to do. I don’t need to give further play by play, but it feels important (and pleasantly vulnerable) to share that. When the heavy crying passed, we kept talking and I eventually brought up that his friend’s (J) wife had reached out to me. He said that he had shared everything with both of them. This wasn’t a surprise given he was best man at their wedding and godfather to their children (and to the comments suggesting my husband was sleeping with literally his 20 year best friend’s wife, I’m sorry for the gross world you live in.). I asked what their advice was. They both said they would love him no matter what happened, but he should really get a therapist. I asked if he was going to, he first response was that he didn’t want to, but a couple moments after that he said that if both of them think he needs one, then he’s sure they are right and he’s going to find one that works for him. This felt like all the light I’ve been looking for in this dark chapter. In hindsight, I wish we would have involved any of his close friends earlier. They are his family. He respects my advice and seeks it out, but I was another party in the matter and from his mind my suggestions were just that. Now the people he loves and respects (and he believes they understand him, which is a list of like 5 people) have told him to go seek therapy for his relationship to sexual expression and validating love. As soon as he said he was going to try therapy I grabbed his hands and swore I would work harder to give him what he needs. I told him that I can’t view my life with anyone but him and I don’t want either of us to miss a Christmas or birthday or any other important moment in our sons’ lives. I told him let’s go to Europe for a month (we’ve been once since the kids were born but we took both of them and it was kind of a “ visit our friends in Europe who want to meet our kids” tour…. Also this was an idea I remember reading from a comment so thank you). I promised many more things and meant them. We let my parents know I wouldn’t be coming back for the boys tonight.  I’ve over shared this experience in a way that is really weird and I won’t ever do again, but it feels good. I’ll leave the rest between my husband and I. I told my husband about the post and asked if it was ok with him if I wrote an update about what happened. He was concerned about anonymity, but I explained all the info I had given and decided he didn’t care (which is his way of saying he does care but he chooses not to care because he controls his relationship to control, not the other way around). He warily (with a touch of self aware humor thats so on brand for him) asked if he wanted to see the post and replies. I told him he doesn’t, to which he laughed and said ok. He doesn’t use Reddit (or any social media, since he “knows how the sausage is made”). Neither of us are fools. We have a long road ahead and there is no guarantee it will work…. But I’m going to try harder. Reading the comments made me realize some of this was indeed my fault. Not necessarily for doing anything wrong, but for misjudging what was at stake. I knew my husband felt bad about himself when he laid next to me wanting physical intimacy and knowing I didn’t. I truly didn’t know, and maybe to a degree didn’t listen, to how bad it hurt him. To say he over analyzes things would be an insult to the franking incredible ability his mind has for assessing so many possibilities, seemingly at the same time. He’s been laying in bed with that feeling just building and building and building. This isn’t about physical sexual release. Masterbating, or even fucking someone else wasn’t going to release this. My husband is a hyper sexual being and that’s ok. I love him entirely, including that part, and I need to do a lot more work to be better positioned to get into a mood of sexual desire more often. But he needs to not feel explosive rage at himself on the inside when he doesn’t receive the sexual intimacy every night…. If we didn’t have kids, I would feel less optimistic. I told him this is NOT impossible though, and we can work on this together. We’ve always been a team at everything else. We have to be a team here. This is now kind of a meandering rant so I’ll close it up with a few random points I thought about because of this thread. So many people have asked, and he said I could share. My husband is a network engineer. He taught himself to code as a teenager (for less than savory reasons, but he lived in slums and ethics are complicated), and got a full ride to one of the top programs in the country. Financially speaking, he’s had “a cushy life ever sense”. His words. I know he is damn good at what he does, but he also benefits from always handling finances like an “obsessive analyst with a huge ego”. Also his words <3 The most common response by far was that I should divorce him, with about half of those saying I should do it happily and basically he sucks/is a POS with no respect for me or women. These made me re-read my post more than anything. Maybe there was some unintentional villainizing of my husband in my post, but I tried my best to give the situation and describe his character. As a social experiment, I wonder if it would have been any different if I specially mentioned his second most contributed charity is a women’s and children’s shelter (entirely due to his childhood trauma, but still sweet) This is going to be the most controversial piece but fuck it. Reddit loves spice. In total transparency, there is very much a sense of desire to control my body from my husband. The interest is purely based on the premise of enthusiastic consent. It’s a part of him though, and I’ve known (and mostly admired) his relationship to that part of himself for most of my time knowing him. The same date when he told me that he has a lot of great sex and eats a lot of great food, he asked me what my relationship to control was. It’s an interesting thing for everyone to think about. He told me then and there that his relationship with control was very intense. That he is very sensitive to not wanting to coerce anyone into be controlled because he furiously opposes anyone trying to do that to him. He knows it’s in his personality, and he try’s to be very self aware of it, especially when interacting with friends and most importantly our sons. You cannot understand my husband without understanding this. He tracks everything about his life. He journals every night and keeps all entries for the past 20+ years of his life in a private server that he runs in our basement. He runs data analytics on it, just as he does with our finances and practically any other information he can coalesce. People asked if he is neural-divergent. Well, he isn’t socially challenged at all, but he certainly isn’t a normal person if that’s the question. He also has had a serious sleeping disorder since he was a young child and only sleeps like 4 hours a night. Yet still has way too much energy. He is beyond special, and I love him and I’m grateful to be with him. Many of you made sure to remind me of how special he is. Many of you hated him, but if you knew him I think very few of you would feel that way. Even if you did, he’s MY husband, and I deeply hope we can make it stay that way. I’m going to do everything in my power to keep it that way. As one person messaged me: “fuck your husband. No, seriously girl. Please do whatever work you need to do to help you fuck your husband. You both deserve it” Thank you everyone who helped and those who tried. Oh, and to the misogynists, eat shit **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My (33 F) husband (38 M) wants to open up our marriage or separate

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18bwf9d/my_33_f_husband_38_m_wants_to_open_up_our/

18bwj38

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/tittybean4](https://www.reddit.com/user/tittybean4/). They posted in r/AmItheAsshole **Mood Spoiler:** >!low stakes drama but also you can pry my leftovers from my cold dead hands!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17zdr82/aita_for_telling_my_friends_bf_that_he_shouldnt/)**: November 19, 2023** Some friends and I decided to do the trend where we have a dinner and everybody brings a food that starts with the first letter of their name. There is one friend of ours that's a bit of a moocher. Whenever we go out she never pays for stuff, whether it's the dinner bill, tickets for the movies etc, we always end up paying for her. But everyone accepted this and doesn't really have an issue with it. However recently, it's become worse. She's been dating this guy for a couple of months and she brings him everywhere with her, even when he's not invited. So now we have two people to pay for. Also I feel like I have to say that they have jobs, they're not struggling. It'd be different if they were broke, then of course I wouldn't mind. But ya, we had the dinner last night and everybody brought food and put a lot of effort into it. These two however showed up with absolutely nothing. Not even a bottle of soda. We were annoyed but nobody said anything. It wasn't until the end of the night when they were leaving, that I cracked a little. The friend's bf was taking home ALL the bbq ribs that were left. I repeat, ALL of it and it was a lot. Like damn, be considerate at least. He emptied the entire tray of ribs into a container. That's when I politely asked "Can you maybe not take all of it? The others might want some too". He got all defensive and asked "Why are you treating me like I'm stealing all the food?". I clarified that I never said such a thing and that I only asked that he didn't take ALL of it. He got angry, plopped the ribs back and said, "Fine, I don't need your food" to which I replied, "It kinda seems like you do and to be honest, you shouldn't have eaten at all since you didn't contribute again, as usual". Then my friend came, took him and just left without saying anything. Now apparently, she's angry with us...mainly me. Most of my friend group doesn't think I did anything wrong but there are a couple who are saying that I shouldn't have said anything. The thing is that I didn't even say anything to my friend because I don't mind that she doesn't contribute. Her boyfriend was the one irritating me. He eats the most food but doesn't contribute, drinks the most alcohol - doesn't contribute, orders really expensive meals at restaurants - doesn't contribute towards the bill. I guess I got kind of annoyed and snapped at him. I tried phoning her to clarify that I don't have any issue with her but she's ignoring me. I dunno, maybe I should've left well enough alone. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Did he just steal a container?* "Correct. It wasn't his container 😂" "Lmao, yup. I asked the friend who was hosting the dinner about it. She didn't even know he took it till after they got mad and left 😂." "When they left and she came to the dining room, she saw the container there with all the ribs in it and was like ''wtf, when did he even take this?" 😂" *Did boyfriend know he was supposed to bring something?* "Oh, he knew. He even made a joke about not bringing anything. Also isn't it common sense not to take a whole tray of food from somewhere? But yes, I do need to confront the friend. Been letting her shit slide for way too long." *Why tf do you guys encourage her mooching?* "Ya, it's stupid tbh. She is the substantially younger than the rest of us so when she initially started the not paying thing, everybody was like "Aww, she's young, lets pay for her". And she sorta became the little sister of the group. The handful of times I did mention paying, she acts like she forgot. For example, we were both in line for snacks and I offered for her to go ahead of me like "Do you wanna go first?". She acted all surprised, "Oh yeah! I'll go first." Yet I fully know that she expected me to pay for the both of us." *Why does everybody want her around- is it a looks thing?* "One of my friends was friends with her first (it's her coworker). Then she introduced her into our friend group. She's a pretty girl, sure, but it's not like that. The friend who introduced us is really fond of her, she's the main one who says not to say anything about the mooching. I think it's kind of like she likes having a mini me of sorts around? Except she's actually rich and contributes lol. But ya, they're close." *Ages:* "We're all in our 30s and she's 22." *NTA, but you obviously do mind that she's a mooch:* "Okay fine, you caught me 😂 I do mind. And I find it annoying. I put up with it cos everybody else says to, "Omg, don't tell her that. You'll make her feel bad''. I wanted to phone her and clarify that i had no problems with her to avoid drama, God do i hate the drama. By be speaking up, I've sorta divided our friend group now and the whole situation is annoying." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/186wrmt/update_aita_for_telling_my_friends_bf_that_he/)**: November 29, 2023 (10 days later)** I wanted to clarify, the reason I said I don't really have I problem with her not contributing, is cos I personally never paid for the her in terms of dinner, tickets etc. I've paid for a exactly a drink, some popcorn and parking before. But she obviously still benefits from me and the others when we bring food and drinks and she brings nothing. I've always thought it was unfair but nobody wanted to say anything so I left it alone. I should also mention that she's a friend by association, I've only known her since the beginning of this year. I confronted her like many of you suggested and started off by saying I thought it was unfair her bf was taking ALL the food and that's why I spoke up. She said she's sorry, and the bf only did that cos he didn't think anyone would mind. I should say that even though she eats at these things, she's never taken copious amounts of food before. I said that I don't speak on behalf of EVERYONE but I feel it's unfair that she keeps bringing her bf and also that she never contributes to anything. Since she had just been apologetic, I thought she would respond by saying that she would start to contribute but instead, she asked why I cared so much because I don't even eat ribs and that I embarrassed her and her bf for nothing. I don't eat meat but that was beside the point. My friend put a lot of hours into cooking those ribs just for this guy to take em all? No, it's not right. And I didn't make a scene, HE did. I spoke very politely. So I explained that again and said that she's been an inconsiderate friend. She said, "I don't know why you're attacking me when nobody else has a problem", then said that she didn't want to associate with me anymore. I said that was fine and that was the end of it. I told the others the outcome and the friend that introduced mooch to us was really mad that I caused a "rift" between everyone over food. So the group essentially split up and those who were irritated with me will continue to hang out with her. The others who secretly found her annoying but were too polite also spoke up and decided to branch off too. Our mooch free group hung out a coupla times already and all the complaints are finally being released 😂 Also EVERYBODY brings something now which is nice. Not just that but it's a more relaxing and stress free environment without them. The "introducer" friend is trying to poach some of the new group to no avail which I think is funny but anyway, that's it 😂. Sorry if this was anti-climactic. And I know this is like juvenile, high school stuff but hey, that's what happened. ***Relevant Comments:*** *The details on the mooch-free group vs the mooch group:* "Thank you. There are 7 in the mooch free group and 4 in the mooch group. 5 if you include the boyfriend." *The most important question- where is rib making friend?* "Rib maker is in the mooch free group 😂"

AITA for telling my friend's bf that he shouldn't have been allowed to eat?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18bwj38/aita_for_telling_my_friends_bf_that_he_shouldnt/

18c132e

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Aromatic-Jaguar-4699 **in** r/AmItheAsshole trigger warnings: >!poverty!< mood spoilers: >!somewhat happy!<   [**original**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1828cu2/aita_for_not_wanting_to_meet_my_dads_son/?rdt=38205) \- 23 Nov 2023 I (32M) grew up in challenging circumstances in a poor country. My parents struggled, living in rough areas, and I witnessed their constant battles while they tried to raise me. Despite my parents’ efforts, I harbored resentment toward them I felt they knowingly brought me into a world of struggle and suffering. Now at 32 I’m okay now, I live in a nice small apartment and make a decent wage, it’s not the best but it’s out of poverty and that’s for me will always be better. My dads business took of when I was in my 20s and they gotten a way better life now than the one they gave me . Unexpectedly, my mom got pregnant again, and they’re excitedly preparing for this new baby, giving him everything I never had – a good home, a supportive family, even starting a college fund for him and giving him all the opportunities I never had, stirs jealousy within me. When my dad called, excited about discussing the baby’s name and wanting me to be a part of their lives, I declined. I couldn’t bear witnessing this child getting all that I never had. My dad got angry and sad , claiming I was bitter about things beyond their control, urging me to be the baby’s big brother he knew I could be, I refused and ended the call. Since then, my dad bombards me with messages, accusing me of breaking his heart and causing stress to my mom. So, Reddit, Am I the Asshole for refusing to engage in my dad’s new family and rejecting the role of a big brother to a child who has what I never did? **OOP is voted YTA**   [**Update**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Aromatic-Jaguar-4699/comments/182hwf1/updateaita_for_not_wanting_to_meet_my_dads_son/?rdt=36784) \- one day later **The update was posted to OOP’s profile but deleted as his account was suspended. The update was recovered** [**via google cache**](https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:0JqLDY52G9MJ:https://www.reddit.com/user/Aromatic-Jaguar-4699/comments/182hwf1/updateaita_for_not_wanting_to_meet_my_dads_son/) Thank you for the advice, perspectives and comments nice and mean. I decided to call my parents and talk to them,we I mostly did the talking/venting and just told them everything I felt, I apologized for hanging rudely and said sorry of my mom for causing her stress. Also told them I needed some space but I would still answer their calls and messages. My mom said okay but jokingly said she needed both her boys as soon as possible My dad did show up to my place against my request(it’s not a surprise he likes taking initiative )but I let him in and we talked some more, I told him exactly how I felt and explained that I’m not mad at the baby i just wished I had that, he was understanding and hugged me and pamper my face with kisses like he used to, he said he wished he could have given me that too I’m glad we had an honest and good conversation. A lot of you seem to think I hate my parents I don’t I love my old man and my mom to pieces, and outside from this problem I talk to them nearly everyday and we hangout a lot. I get it they didn’t chose to be poor and I know they would have given me more if they could have. And a lot of you that suggest therapy, I get I need it and I’m looking into it my dad offered to pay and I’m grateful for that. I want to make it clear I don’t hate the baby and I know I was harsh by just calling him my dads kid, his my brother and I’ll work on my issues for him and myself and I’ll love him unconditionally,I owe him that much. I’m not a narcissist(since some of you are suddenly proclaimed therapist and or physiologist) nor do I want him to suffer the same me and my parents did back then, it’s just jealousy and again I’ll work on that and see the good side which he gets the life he deserves. Thanks for reading me to filth and getting me to understand that my attitude isn’t healthy, and it’s causing me to lose the two(+one in the Making) most beloved people in my life. Thanks, and have a good day.   **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

AITA for Not Wanting to Meet My Dad’s Son?

CONCLUDED

Gullible-Engineer-65

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18c132e/aita_for_not_wanting_to_meet_my_dads_son/

18cdyd4

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/arsonist_firefighter **in** r/relationship_advice trigger warnings: >!none!< mood spoilers: >!positive!<   [**I am (M29) thinking about leaving my wife (F26) after she opened up to me.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/178kk0m/i_am_m29_thinking_about_leaving_my_wife_f26_after/) **- 15th October 2023** About a month ago, my wife and I had a long talk. She explained to me that she no longer knew if she loved me "as a man" anymore or even if she ever loved me truly. All this started when we got married a year and a half ago, sex got less and less frequent and I started complaining about it, but it never changed. After a while, she got distant, stoped saying she loved me, doing things with me, posting things on social media, etc... We had a few conversations about how I was feeling left out and how could we improve, but it never did. Then, she started doing therapy and in 3 or 4 session she and her therapist came to a conclusion that she no longer knew if she was in love with me. We sat down and talked, we decided to work things out and do our best not to divorce. The thing is: I'm the only one trying... Of all the things I said I wanted in this relationship, she never made any effort do actually do in this last month. I'm getting quite frustrated about this situation because I don't even know if she wants to get better or just want me to finish this relationship so she doesn't get to be the one that ended it. This month I have been thinking about restarting my life, focusing on my plans and wishes and eventually finding someone who truly loves me the way I know I deserve to be love... but in the other hand I don't want to let this relationship die, it's been so long, we been to so much together and I fear that eventually both of us will regret if we part aways. I'd like some input on people that have been in the same situation, did you work it out? did you divorce? I'm quite lost here. ps: We have been together for about 7,5 years. We were quite happy before marriage and never once I thought doubted her love for me until she said it loud and clear.   **Comments** **ReasonableCookie9369** *look into the sunken cost fallacy, your own therapist, and make an exit plan.* >OOP: I will, thank you! &#x200B; **Glinda-The-Witch** *Tell her she is free to go. It’s clear she isn’t interested in making the marriage work. Let her do the work of packing and leaving. She needs to understand she either needs to make the effort or leave but you won’t wait around while she decides.* >OOP: I'm definitely not waiting. Thanks! &#x200B; **SuckaDitka0U812** *Seems like classic example of her sticking it out with you until you come to same conclusion as she already has.* >OOP: That's what been in my heart this whole time. &#x200B; [**\[UPDATE\] I (M29) am thinking about leaving my wife (F26) after she opened up to me.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/17yikbr/update_i_m29_am_thinking_about_leaving_my_wife/) **- 18th November 2023** Well, it's been a while and I can say for sure that going through this couple of months has been the hardest thing I have done in my life. But good news, we did not divorce and we are well! Since my original post we have talked, fought and cried, but early this week I spend a few days in my parent's house and she went to her's. This time alone was crucial to understand that we were not ready to give up our marriage, even though I was 90% sure that I was for a while. While we were apart I talked to some friends and I had an amazing talk to my mom and dad, they were great and gave me good advice. Yesterday I went back home and my wife and I had probably the most open hearted conversation we have ever had in almost 8 years of relationship. She exposed some things to me that she did not like and I finally understood the reason behind the "I do not love you as a man anymore". You see, the way I behaved in some areas of our life was not ideal and I could have been a much better husband in those 1.5 years of mariage but I was blind to it all. It's not 100% my fault but I could have prevented A LOT of the things that started to strain our relationship. I apologized and promissed her I was going to be a better man and husband and she forgave me. We talked a lot, I explained her my point of view and she did the same, we cried, we huged, we cuddled and kissed and that day I realized we were meant to go through this in order to make our relationship stronger. Now we have unlocked the ability to have a proper conversation and I feel like our marriage starts now. I have never doubted for a second she was the love of my life. Having her by my side is all I need and I feel I can face every the world throw at us now that she's with me. Thank you all for all your advices and shared stories, you helped me a lot!   **Comments** &#x200B; **Intelligent\_Buyer516** *I’m glad everything worked out .* **FeRaL--KaTT** *Despite the hundreds of Reddits that told him to lawyer up and head out / kick her to the curb.. 😆* &#x200B; **omeRazzmatazz339** *Take your parents out to dinner. It looks like they really helped* >OOP: will do! &#x200B; **262run** *Glad you guys talked. I know you’re being vague but this reminds me a lot of that article “She divorced me because I left dishes in the sink”. It obviously wasn’t the dishes, but stuff like can make a big difference.* **UnicornLoveFeathers** *Reminds me of this* [*https://gist.github.com/gtallen1187/27a585fcf36d6e657db2*](https://gist.github.com/gtallen1187/27a585fcf36d6e657db2) **gjallerhorns\_only** *Wtf? Would have never guessed you could find decent relationship advice on GitHub* >OOP: I'll make sure to not leave the dishes in the sink anymore :) &#x200B; **crankysoutherner** *Glad to hear that you are happier. Not sure why you got married before figuring out how to have a real conversation, but I'm glad you got there eventually.* >OOP: I always tried to have proper conversations but it was quite hard for her to talk without crying, she simply could not so it was 90% a monologue of my trying... but now I think we can do it better. &#x200B; **Lonely\_Howl\_** *Dude has thousands of hours logged in games. Based on his work schedule, he spent all of his free time gaming instead of being a husband.* >OOP: I'm 29 years old and I played Runescape from 2002 to 2013-2014. Nowadays I play mostly while she's asleep since she sleeps a lot. While she's awake and when we're not working we're almost always together. I can guarantee you i's not an issue!   **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

I am thinking about leaving my wife after she opened up to me.

CONCLUDED

Stephenallen1977

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18cdyd4/i_am_thinking_about_leaving_my_wife_after_she/

18cf678

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/peachyubel in r/CatAdvice** trigger warnings: >!animal abuse/harm!< mood spoilers: >!horrific realization on what happened but hopeful ending!< --- &nbsp; [**My cat's behavior "switched up" over night.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/comments/186578g/my_cats_behavior_switched_up_over_night/) - 28 Nov 2023 Last night, my partner and I had a house warming party. We invited our usual friends and they invited their friends. My kitten is about 4 months old now and loves socializing with everyone, but she definitely loves some more than others lol. She's also known to hide in various places and disappear for some time. During the party, she had disappeared for a while. We also noticed two of our friend's friends were gone too. Didn't think much of it, they could have been outside and kitty was just hiding. Fast forward towards the end of the party, kitty came into the bedroom and was acting very standoffish. Like she was scared of something. I went towards her and she started meowing like crazy, like she was in pain. This is my first ever cat, so I am not sure what cat pain sounds like. She started jumping and crawling all over me and turned herself into a ball in my arms. When I brought her out to say goodbye to everyone, she seemed fine, until it was time to say goodbye to the two friends I mentioned earlier. She hissed and scratched at them and ran away. It was chaotic. They called my cat a c*nt and left in a hurry. Everyone else that was still there just looked at me like Wtf? Now it's the morning and my little babe is hiding deep in the closet and won't even come out for food. I am scared and suspicious that something happened to her. I wish I had paid more attention. She's been around large groups before so I wasn't really expecting anything like this.... if anyone could give me advice on how to make her feel better that would be lovely.. and also maybe confirm my suspicions :/ &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **brokenlostinhuman** >Animals dont lie. And them calling your cat a c*nt is a dead giveaway. Check your cat out carefully, they are good at hiding pain. Vet checkup probably best here. I had this experience nearly 10-12 years ago. Im not a violent person but sent the guy back in an ambulance with no regrets. **brenda___01** >Yup it looks like the two guys did something to her, might be physical, might just be a big noise or movement that they did that scared her (on purpose or not). When my cat was a kitten, I invided people over for a Halloween party, a friend of my bf was playing with my cat like you do with a dog, kind of putting his hands over his face. We told him to stop and he kept doing it (for an extra 3 seconds). Until my little ginger boy Haru bit and scratched the hell out of him. :) &nbsp; [**UPDATE MADE IN COMMENTS**](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/comments/186578g/my_cats_behavior_switched_up_over_night/kb7pcjh/?context=3) - 29 Nov 2023 Update on the situation: My partner's uncle came knocking and shared video footage of the two 'friends' putting my kitty in a plastic bag and swinging it around... slamming her against the walls. Uncle owns the building we live in so he was able to share this with us. The two dipshits were at the end of the hallways with my cat. Her torture lasted 8-10 minutes. I can hear her screaming through the video :( We haven't confronted anyone yet though, just saw this about 30 minutes ago. Update on kitty: She is ok for now. My partner's cousin is a vet and took her in for a free check up today after I had told them that a bunch of lovely strangers encouraged me to get her checked out. Thankfully she is ok and no physical damage, but we just have to be careful when we handle her. She is now back in my lap and had a squeezy treat. Her purrs aren't as loud and deep as usual (for a kitten). Sounds like a broken record. I hope she'll be okay &nbsp; [**FURTHER UPDATES MADE IN THE ORIGINAL POST**](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/comments/186578g/my_cats_behavior_switched_up_over_night/) Hi everyone , thank you so much for your support and advice. I appreciate the community. Here are some updates.. hopefully we can come to a right and just ending.. First update in comments Second update on kitty: Tigerlily (my kitty's name) is doing fine now. She doesn't seem to be phased in the slightest and is back to doing her normal goblin things. She is eating and playing fine. Her snuggles are excellent and her biscuits are as soft as ever. She still kinda purrs like a broken record, which makes me sad cause she has an unusually loud and deep purr for a kitty and it is one of the things I love about her the most. Other than that she is real happy to be home. I've had her since she was two weeks old (found her as a stray) so we bonded a lot since I was the one who had to teach her how to cat. I'm her person and she's my baby, so it was no sweat at all in getting her to feel better. When I look at her now, it makes me go crazy inside knowing someone took her and hurt her and for what? I want to freak out on them, but for her sake I have to stay calm and do right by her by bringing these low lives to justice. She didn't deserve this. My heart breaks for her. I thank everyone here who has shown us compassion. Second update on situation: I filed a police report and began the process of pressing charges. I showed the video footage to my friends who were at the party. No, I will not share it on any socials. There is just enough disgusting and/or horrid things for people to see on the internet and I don't want my cat's torture being one of it. I know she is just a cat, but I wanna respect her.. sounds silly, I know, she is like my other half. The friend that invited them expressed his remorse and said he did not expect those two to hurt any living thing like that. He had known them since high school, but he calls them his "weird friends" you know the friend you feel bad for bc no one likes them so you stay friends with them. Well now we know why no one likes them. He swore to confront and cut them off. I told him to hold off and to ignore them for now until I get the charges ready. I want to be the one to confront them. Also, here is what's messed up too, they have 3 cats of their own! What the actual F@*K?! Third update on Tigerlily: She is doing wonderful today. I knew she would bounce back quick. She is just a wonderful little thing. She is currently curled up in a ball, purring (quite loudly and beautifully like before), lying on my back as I lay on my tummy lol. I wish I knew how to add a picture here, I figured I owe you guys some cat tax. Third update on situation: Hi everyone, somewhat a lot has happened in the past two days surrounding this whole unfortunate event. Let's begin with yesterday morning (about 10am) since that's when everything started to move forward. One of the two ended up being taken into custody since they were home when the cops showed up, but the other was nowhere to be found until around 5pm yesterday when he showed up to my place covered in sweat. He was in a panic and after observing his behavior a little more, I realized he was incredibly high on meth. He was talking back and forth, mumbling, then saying "I'm sorry!" "I was forced to!" In random outbursts. I figured he wanted to apologize so I let him ramble for a couple more minutes before he finally blurted out an apology for hurting my cat. I wanted to scream and tear up, but the only thing that showed was red hot and dry anger. I asked him if he had anything else to say. He said no, just that he was sorry. I didn't say anything else and just closed the door on his face and immediately called the cops. I watched him from my window as he paced back and forth outside, doing random gestures and having random outbursts. The cops showed up pretty quickly, thankfully. They arrested him and took him away. I got a call later that night from a random number. Turned out to be their aunt and she was crying and apologizing profusely. She said she had no idea that her boys would so such a thing and thanked me for turning them in instead of letting them get away with it. However, she did have one request... that I don't share this with anyone (already shared this with you all lol) because the younger one (one who showed up to my house) doesn't deserve to "share the same sins" as the older one (one who was arrested first) since the older one was known to cause trouble and harm. I felt bitter towards her for even requesting that. After hearing her out more and learning more about their past as a family and as individuals, I felt a little twinge in my heart and maybe even a little sympathy for the younger one. I know you guys are going to hate me for saying that, but don't worry I didn't give in. I thanked her for sharing her story with me, but it doesn't excuse the horrific act that I saw them do. She asked again if I was going to expose them, I said maybe. That was the end of that phone call. This morning I get another phone call from her and she tells me that the older one is still in custody, but the younger one is going to rehab soon. I haven't had a follow up with the police yet so I won't take her word until I hear from law enforcements myself. That's pretty much it so far. This may be my final update, so thank you guys for the advice and support as well as confirming my suspicions and encouraging me to take action. &nbsp; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

My cat's behavior "switched up" over night.

ONGOING

pinkulillies

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18cf678/my_cats_behavior_switched_up_over_night/

18cnzpp

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/wife- **My (23F) husband (36M) will only eat “kiddie food” and it’s ruining our relationship.** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Ableism, emotional abuse!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/4g1LhgTEj0)  **May 13, 2019** My husband will only eat chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, and spaghetti-o’s. That’s it. When we go over to friends’ places he’ll actually bring some spaghetti-o’s to heat up in their microwave instead of eating anything else, even if our friends cooked a wonderful meal. If we go out somewhere to eat he will only order chicken nuggets off the kid’s menu. If they don’t have them, he just won’t eat. If I try to cook literally ANYTHING except one of his three food groups, he will claim he’s allergic to some random ingredient instead of just outright saying he doesn’t want to eat it. He’ll then try to guilt me for “forgetting” his allergy. Spoiler: We’ve been to the doctor and he’s not allergic to anything. My husband just turned 36 this month. His food habits were sort of cute/acceptable when we were both in college and eating like trash, but now I’m genuinely worried about his health. I also find myself avoiding any sort of dining situations with our friends, which is so much harder than it sounds. I’ve tried talking to him about his eating habits and just he brushes me off. Since I don’t cook his meals (the only victory I’ve had in this situation) he doesn’t think I have the right to “dictate” what he can and can’t eat. I’m not his mother. I’m his wife. But I just want my husband, the man I love, to be healthy. What do I do? Edit: We met when I was 19, in my sophomore year of college. We got married after graduation and moved in together shortly after. I didn’t realize how strict his “diet” was until after we were married. **Edit**: Thank you for your comments and suggestions! There are so many wonderful comment that it’d take me all day to make it through, so I’ll try to address them here and then post an update tonight. It does sound like ARFID, and I agree that we need counseling. There’s a good counseling center nearby that I found last night that offers couple’s therapy, I want to try them first. I’m going to bring it up to him tonight and really try to explain how much this issue bothers me, and how at the very least we should discuss this with a counselor to find a place where we’re both happy. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **When asked about the age difference and when they stated dating** >We started dating when I was 19 and he was 32. Looking back I definitely wasn’t mature enough for a serious relationship but he has always been thoughtful and understanding. I never felt pressured to do anything I didn’t want to do and although the age difference was obviously noticeable it never felt like I was being taken advantage of. >(I’m sorry if my answer sounds canned, I’ve gotten your exact question more times than I can count!) >TLDR: Don’t worry, I was legal. **And added** >We met in college, he went back to get his degree after realizing his career was stagnant. We had a class together and ended up falling in love. Admittedly I was kind of awed that an older man was interested in me, but he never ever made me feel pressured into anything, even as small as drinking on my 21st birthday (I have a history of severe alcoholism in my family, we ended up going to a nice dance night instead of clubbing. He also completely stopped drinking without any prompting when he realized that I wasn’t comfortable being around him when he was drunk) [Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/GB3bzfaIFn)  **May 14, 2019** So, I did it. I confronted him when he came home. I brought up ARFID, which he seemed very open to. He seemed sort of relieved that it’s a fairly common disorder— some of you absolutely called it, he explained that he was extremely embarrassed and defensive when I had tried bringing the issue up with him before. When I explained how much it hurt when he shut me down he seemed genuinely surprised. He had no idea this issue was so important to me. I’ll admit, I did cry a bit as I told him how worried I am about him eating himself into an early grave. His foods are NOT healthy, and by the end of our conversation we both agreed to work together to overcome this. We’ll be going to couple’s therapy this weekend at a local clinic. From there we’ll look into seeing a dietician and a specialized counselor for his eating disorder. **However** I called his mother while he was at work. I asked her about his eating habits as a kid, if there was any foods he sort of liked or anything he was really adverse to. I like the idea of making weekly meal prep together, so there’s no surprises and we can collaborate on slowly introducing new foods. I was hoping this conversation would give me a good starting point when I talked with him. His mother is a very sweet woman and told me all the foods he even sort of would eat, and everything he refused to. But she offhand mentioned that he has sensory processing issues due to his autism. I asked her to elaborate and she did. It turns out he was diagnosed with autism as a kid. He even went to an after-school physical therapist for many years to deal with sensory issues. He never told me any of this. When I spoke with him I didn’t know how to bring it up, so I just didn’t. I’m so worried he’ll deny it, or he’ll get angry with me for speaking to his mother behind his back, since he obviously doesn’t want me to know. I want to stress that I never brought up autism with his mother. She mentioned it all on her own. I feel lied to and manipulated. I don’t know how to bring it up with him, because right now I’m just starting to process it. I’m angry that he never told me. His food issues are one thing, but not telling me about his autism (and seemingly intentionally keeping it from me, as he didn’t bother to mention it today either) is another. It’s more and more obvious that the man I married isn’t who I think he is and has been lying to me for years. Right now I’m telling myself to wait until counseling this weekend before confronting him. I don’t want our conversation to be out of anger. But I also don’t know how I could ever trust him again if he was so willing to keep such a big secret from me. **TLDR 2**; I spoke with my husband’s mother, who told me that he was diagnosed with autism as a child in a way that suggests she clearly thought I already knew. I confronted my husband about his eating but not the autism thing, and he was extremely willing to cooperate and seek counseling. I’m mad about being lied to about the autism thing. EDIT: I will be bringing this up in counseling but I’m not going to discuss it with him until then as I don’t want to let my anger and hurt override my desire to help him. As some people stated it is possible he doesn’t know about his autism; I really, really, really hope that is the case. I’m hurt not because he has autism (I really couldn’t care less, it doesn’t change who he is as a person) but rather that he never told me about it. **TLDR**; my husband only eats three extremely unhealthy foods and refuses to even touch anything else. [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Y1OvAWA2eG)  **July 31, 2019** Well. It’s been a lot longer than the one week update I promised. I could make excuses but I won’t. For those of you who don’t want to read my original post, I asked for help with my husband’s food preference issues and through talking with many people on here and, ultimately, his mother, it was revealed that he was diagnosed with autism as a child. Some of the comments on my original post were... not so kind. I got a lot of accusations that still hurt me. Some just make me angry, particularly the person who commented simply “Please don’t bully him.” He’s my goddamn husband. Not a schoolyard friend, not a sibling, not a child. Infantilizing him doesn’t help his case at all. Moving on. I was very upset as he had never mentioned anything to me. We’ve discussed all sorts of medical issues together but his diagnosis never came up. I want to stress this: This isn’t a matter of me not wanting to be married to an autistic man. This is a matter of my husband keeping something important from me and causing me a great deal of stress that could have been avoided if I was aware of his diagnosis. For example, I continuously pushed him to try new foods or attend concerts or visit loud amusement parks. I knew he wasn’t particularly thrilled about any of those things but they are all very normal couple activities that I wanted us to experience together. Had I been aware of his autism I would have had a better understanding of how negatively these things affected him, and made more of an effort to integrate things he liked with things I liked (maybe a smaller local band, or a craft fair instead of an amusement park). Anyways. That’s the backstory. Read below for the update. **UPDATE** I confronted him about my conversation with his mother the night before our counseling appointment. I made sure to bring it up casually so I didn’t become angry again. He tried to brush me off at first, saying he didn’t know what I was talking about. After talking for a bit he eventually confessed that he not only knew of the diagnosis but deliberately kept it from me. He said I was his dream and he didn’t want to do anything to ruin our “perfect” relationship. I explained how him keeping this from me hurt me. I explained how I could have been there to support him instead of feeling like he needed to hide. He said he wasn’t ashamed of it at all. He explained that it’s just not something that affects him anymore. I, again, explained how it affects me, but he didn’t seem to care. I didn’t show him the post I made but I used some of the advice from you all to try to explain why his autism really does in fact still affect his life. We went to bed upset. The next day he acted like nothing happened. We ate breakfast (he had chicken nuggets), and went about our day. I kept expecting him to bring it up but he never did. I didn’t have the nerve to bring it up again until later at the marriage counselor’s office. I spoke to the counselor so as not to seem accusing and explained that this was an issue that bothered me. My husband actually laughed and said he assumed I’d “gotten over it by now”. When I explained that no, I really hadn’t, he got angry with me and stormed out. The counselor tried to mediate but it wasn’t much use as my husband went to wait in the car. I was worried he’d leave without me so I cut the meeting short. Our ride home was quiet. It wasn’t until we got home that I said I was worried he was keeping other things from me too. He said he’d been reading online about how women can’t understand autism and therefore he didn’t think it was important to tell me about it. I said that was the weakest excuse I’d ever heard. He then said that I’d leave him if I knew. I said if I left him it’d be because he’s a liar. Apparently he told all of our mutual friends that he’d “just” been diagnosed with autism and I was considering leaving him because of it. Now many of our friends won’t talk to me and act very cold when we run into each other in public. I don’t know what else he’s told them but I think he told someone I cheated on him as a fake account has been commenting horrible things about me and my supposed sexual habits on all of my instagram posts. I keep reporting them but then it seems like another just pops up in its place. I haven’t decided if divorce is the right path. I know he’s been browsing “incel” and other bitter male-centric websites (one of his friends is a self-described “incel”) so I’m even more convinced that this isn’t the man I married. I’m mostly just confused. I’ve been avoiding him at home and it feels like more of a room mate situation at this point. He doesn’t really leave his den until it’s time for work, and then he’s back in the den until bed. It seems like everything is messed up, just from me wanting to help. I don’t even know what to expect at this point, much less how to move on from here. **EDIT** There are so many more comments than I anticipated. I’m trying to at least read through most of them although I think I’m past my emotional ability to reply. I’m really shocked at how overwhelmingly supportive people are being. Thank you. I’m going to be discussing divorce with a lawyer. I don’t know how to bring it up with him but I’m past the point of caring. You’re all right; I dread coming home to him in the evenings, I dread if he will miraculously want to talk. This isn’t healthy for either of us. At the very least some time apart would be good. That’s all for now. I don’t think I’ll update past this, as I’m already uncomfortable with how quickly this blew up. But I will be living elsewhere by the end of the month. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My (23F) husband (36M) will only eat “kiddie food” and it’s ruining our relationship.

INCONCLUSIVE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18cnzpp/my_23f_husband_36m_will_only_eat_kiddie_food_and/

18co0jb

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Immediate_Cup_2264 **GF won't wear my shirts or jackets but wears her ex's** **Originally posted to** r/dating **MOOD SPOILER:** >!Communication saves the day!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/s/uRqIzBST5J)  **Nov 29, 2023** So I've been dating my gf for about 6 months, been official and everything. When we go back to her place, she puts on this shirt that's too big for her, or this black jacket when it's cold. I asked her where she got them from, and they were from an ex. I wasn't crazy about it, but whatever. When she comes over to my place though, or it's cold outside and she doesn't have a jacket, she doesn't want to wear mine. One time in particular, we're hanging out in my backyard, playing with my dog, and she was shivering. I asked her if she wanted a jacket but she insisted on not wearing it. Later that same day, we went back to her place, she needed to run some errands, and was gonna go out again. As she was getting ready she put on her ex's jacket. Am I over thinking this? I feel kind of hurt she doesn't want to wear my shirts or jackets. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **cjbayside** >Try not to focus on this. But, I think it’s weird and it would annoy me as well. Have you told her how you feel about this? That might help and then drop it. Sorry man. **OOP** >>I've tried to. >>I haven't straight up told her to stop wearing those shirts and jacket. >>But I asked why she didn't want to wear mine. >>She simply says they're not her "style" >>Which feels like absolute bs cuz the shirts from her ex have pit stains. And the jacket has a hole in a pocket and the zipper gets stuck. * **midmostFloat90** >Bro, that's a legit "what gives" moment. It's like, ex's shirt is comfy, but yours?   Nah. It's not just about jackets; it's about feels.  Maybe she's not connecting your stuff with coziness yet. Could be her own hang-ups. Chill, don't overthink, but also, communicate. Share your feels, ask about hers. There might be more to this jacket drama. >If she's still rocking the ex's gear, it's worth a convo. Keep it real but keep it cool. Jackets aren't just fabric; they're feelings, man. **OOP** >>>"Maybe she's not connecting your stuff with coziness yet" >>We were friends for under 2 years before we started dating. She was with her ex for less than a year. >>If that's the case, then it's really frustrating. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/s/9fKd8o33bA)  **Nov 30, 2023** My last post got a lot of comments, so I figured I'd post an update. So I had a chat with my gf this morning, and I basically told her that I was really bothered that she chooses her ex's clothing over mine. She said that they are just clothes, but I explained to her that the visual of me offering my jacket, and then she rejecting it and going back to her place to use her ex's, really bothered me. She took a second, and was like "ohhh" I asked her how she would feel if I did something similar, and she realized she'd be bothered by it. She said my jackets are fine, just that she didn't like the color. She apologized, and said that her shirts are just shirts, but she didn't realize how it looked from my POV. She said she got an idea, so she drove us to a local clothing store, she bought me a jacket. Then she said that I better not complain when she uses this jacket once it smells like me So, yeah, everything turned out great. Edit: FYI, she did offer to toss her ex's clothes away, but I told her she didn't need to, it wasn't the clothes themselves that bothered me, it was how she was acting with them when compared to mine. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

GF won't wear my shirts or jackets but wears her ex's

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18co0jb/gf_wont_wear_my_shirts_or_jackets_but_wears_her/

18co0r3

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/NiorNightingale](https://www.reddit.com/user/NiorNightingale/). They posted in r/AmItheAsshole I replaced letters with names for an easier read. **Trigger Warning:** >!depression; parental death; parental neglect!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!looking more positive!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18729yz/aita_for_brushing_my_daughters_friends_extremely/)**: November 29, 2023** My daughter has a friend, Anya (13F), who has been going through some health issues that I don’t want to put here. Anya’s mum passed away when she was little so it’s just her and her dad. Since he has started dating his girlfriend (we’ll call her Claire) Anya’s needs have been pushed to the side a little and he’s just not noticed that Anya has been struggling. She’s doing better now after getting the help she needed. However, Anya’s hair has been extremely matted as it had not been brushed for months. Anya had been hiding her hair under hats and hoods at home and trying to disguise it at school in buns. She stayed over at the weekend and I only found out about her hair when they came downstairs after getting a comb stuck in Anya’s hair trying to fix it. I comforted Anya as she was ashamed about her hair but had hoped that she and my daughter could fix it. My daughter convinced her to tell me about it as she had been scared to say anything to anyone as she thought she would be judged as her dad’s girlfriend has made comments about her appearance when she was going through her health issues. When Anya was going through her issues, I made it clear to her and my daughter that our home is a judgement free zone and if she ever wanted to come to me or my husband for help then she would get it. Anya then asked for help detangling her hair. So that’s what I did. We put on some films and worked on detangling Anya’s hair. It took hours, but it was doable. When Anya went home on Sunday, her hair was completely detangled and neatly braided into two dutch braids. She was happy and thanked me for helping with her hair. Then Monday I got an angry phone call from Claire because she was meant to be taking Anya to get her hair cut due to how matted her hair was. Apparently Claire and Anya’s dad had noticed how bad it was and Claire had told me that she would get it sorted. Claire is mad because the salon they were going to had charged her a cancellation fee for cancelling the day of the appointment. Claire wants me to pay her back for the cancellation fee as it’s my fault for fixing Anya's hair when they were going to get it cut out. I told her that I wouldn’t be paying it, I just did the right thing by Anya instead of going to the extreme option straight away. Claire then said that Anya was no longer allowed to be friends with my daughter and they would sue me for the cancellation fee. It was £60 (half the cost of the cut). My daughter told me that Anya knew about Claire wanting to cut her hair and Anya didn’t want the hair cut which is why she went to my daughter for help. Anya like my own daughters has long hair, so cutting the matted hair out would have meant her losing well over half of the length of her hair. AITA for brushing out Anya’s hair so she avoided getting a drastic cut. ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update (Same Post): November 30, 2023 (Next Day)** This got more attention than I thought it would. I would just like to clarify a couple things. 1. While I am not going to go fully into Anya's health issues, the matted hair is the result of a depressive episode. Once things got better, she was just very embarrassed by the state her hair was in but didn't know how to fix it. So she hid it and it got worse. She is able to brush and wash her hair when she's ok. 2. Anya isn't being neglected by her dad. He knows he hasn't been the best dad to Anya and is trying to be better when it comes to her. Since Anya's health issues, he has been seeking help. I'm not going to report a man who I can see is trying to get better as a parent. Anya's dad (I'll call him Jon) came round earlier as he wanted to talk to me. Anya and Claire had gotten into a shouting match yesterday because of the cancelled appointment. Claire had told Anya that she wasn't allowed to see my daughter anymore until I paid the money I owed - this was news to Jon - and Anya told Claire that she was going to continue seeing her friend. Anya also told Claire that she hated her and that if anyone was going to take the place of her mum it would be me because I care about Anya as a person not just her appearance. Jon wanted to know what had happened with Anya and why I owed Claire money. I explained it all to Jon and he was horrified to learn that Claire was going to cut Anya's hair short instead of helping her. He had been under the impression that the appointment had been to get her hair detangled and wouldn't have consented to Anya getting a big chop. He hadn't realised how focused Claire had become on Anya's appearance with her hair. He told me that he wasn't going to stop Anya coming around as he knows how important my family is to her. When her mum died and he fell apart, we provided the stability they both needed. I told Jon that Anya is always welcomed here and she knows it, but it's her dad that she needs. She needs him to be there for her and to support her through whatever she is going through, having her dad will mean more to her than having me there. Jon agreed with this, and that he knows he's not been the dad that she needs and is going to try and be better for her. He's asked if I could recommend a family therapist who could help them, and I gave him a few names. Since Anya started going through her issues, Jon has stepped up. He's not the same dad that he was when they started but he does still have a way to go to be dad of the year. Since speaking with Jon I've had angry texts from Claire, furious that I 'went behind her back' and spoke with Jon when she was dealing with the issue. In the string of angry texts she sent me, she said horrible things about myself, Anya and my daughter. I'm not engaging with her anymore, she's a walking red flag. I screenshotted them before blocking Claire and sent them to Jon's work phone (Jon gave me his work number when he started dating Claire because she had been screening and deleting messages before he saw them. She doesn't have access to his work phone.) My daughter has been messaging Anya making sure she is ok, and she will be coming to stay at the weekend as she doesn't want to be at home when Claire collects her stuff. I'm not sure what is going on with that relationship, nor do I want to know but it does sound like Jon is finally putting Anya first.

AITA for brushing my daughter’s friend’s extremely matted hair out so she avoid a drastic cut?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18co0r3/aita_for_brushing_my_daughters_friends_extremely/

18co1nk

**I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/Equivalent\_Ladder197](https://www.reddit.com/user/Equivalent_Ladder197/). He posted in [r/offmychest](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/) I added paragraphs for readability, and fixed the spelling of fiancée. You can find the previous BORUs [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16kqwsq/my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9e_his_ex_and_im/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zubyl/new_updates_my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9e_his/). **New Updates start with \*\*\*\*\*** A reminder that **this sub has a** **7 day waiting period rule**, meaning this latest update is 7 days old. If you saw a new update to this in the last week, it was not on this sub. **Trigger Warning:** >!assault!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!hopeful-ish? !< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/16d2bps/my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9_his_ex_and_im/)**: September 8, 2023** My (28M) brother, Mark (26M), used to date my fiancée, Jenn (26F) a year ago. For context, they dated back in August 2022. They were only together for a month before he broke things off with her because he was bored of being in a relationship and never really wanted to settle down anyway. At the time they were dating I was in a different state so I had no idea he even had a girlfriend and I had no idea who Jenn was until I met her. Jenn and I met at a bar when I moved back in October and hit it off really well. She was easily the most beautiful and intelligent woman I ever met and we met up a few times more before we made it official. Fast forward to December and I finally bring her up to my family and propose them meeting her at Christmas. They knew I was in a relationship but I’m not the most open about my personal life so I kept details about her to a minimum until I knew how serious we really were. My parents asked to see pictures and they started passing my phone around the dinner table. Mark saw it and blew up calling me a shit brother for dating his ex girlfriend and he demanded I break it off with her. I refused. When I asked Jenn about it, she confirmed they dated and gave me the details about their breakup. It took a few weeks but eventually Mark stopped bringing up me dating his ex and I thought he was over it. On Jenn’s birthday this year, I took her out to a fancy dinner with both of our families and her closest friends and I asked her to marry me. Mark flipped once again and blew up about me proposing to her, which I and my sisters immediately shut down. The incident happened this past weekend. Mark had been pretty quiet about the whole thing for the last two months. I didn’t see him much and figured he went Low contact with me which I had no problem with, then he invited me and Jenn for family dinner at his apartment with my parents and sisters. I thought it was weird but my parents and sisters were also going so we agreed to go. The dinner was nice, nothing too fancy, and we moved to the living room to talk. About 30 minutes into normal conversation Mark stood up and told us he had an announcement. He made a long speech about being happy to have his family around for his big moment then got on one knee and pulled out this cheap ring while asking Jenn to marry him. Jenn was confused and obviously uncomfortable and demanded that he put it away and stand up. My dad tried to make a grab for Mark but I got to him first and punched him. I won’t repeat most of it, mostly because I was too angry to even listen most of it, but he said something along the lines of wanting to show me that Jenn wasn’t really into me and just wanted to get back at him. Before it could get worse my parents rushed me out and promised to talk to him. It’s been a few days since it happened and I’m still pissed off. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m scared Jenn might have second thoughts marrying me because of this. Any advice? **EDIT: (Same Post, later that day)** First, thanks for reading and responding. I’ve been reading the comments between last night and this morning and valid points were made. There isn’t an update since the only people I’ve spoken to since that dinner is jenn and my little sister. I want to clarify a few things that i saw in the comments 1. Jenn and I are newly engaged. It was one of those feelings where we both knew we were in it for the long run. As fast as it is, i’m sure about her. 2. When we met, I was the one who approached her, not the other way around. Whether she knew or had suspicions of us being related I don’t know. I asked after finding out they dated and she says she had no idea. I didn’t have a reason to doubt that, but I can admit this (seemingly) overreaction on Marks part does raise red flags 3. I had no idea she and Mark dated when I met her. Mark and I aren’t close at all. We used to be but as we grew up we drifted and talked less and less. Before I moved back, we didn’t really speak much aside from special days like his or my birthday. Jenn knew of my family but not much until I decided I was ready to introduce them to her. When she and Mark met (again) I didn’t get a sense of any residual feelings on either part. She didn’t treat him like a stranger but she also wasn’t overly affectionate with him either 4. I was told this was a relationship that lasted a month. I didn’t think I needed permission from Mark to ask her to marry me, but maybe that was wrong of me. I’m not sure That being said, I plan to talk to Mark this weekend to lay everything out on the table and figure out what’s up. I never asked for his side of their relationship, which is my fault for not doing my due diligence. If anything major or enlightening happens, I’ll update. But for now that’s all I have. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Don't give in to the "but he's faaaaamily" comments:* "Thankfully I haven’t heard the “he’s family” shit much aside from my mom and a few aunts. they know me well enough to know our relationship isn’t enough for me to put up with his disrespect especially towards my fiancée. They’d be wasting their breath" *On fiancée:* "Yeah I don’t think I have to worry about her going back. Safe to say she can’t stand him either lol" **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/16fjl48/update_my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9_his_ex/)**: September 10, 2023 (2 days later)** First I want to thank everyone for reading. It’s been a busy weekend so I haven’t had the chance to reply to many people, but I did edit in responses to the most common questions I saw in the comments of the original post. Again, thank you. I appreciate it all, even the criticisms. Now for the update: I called Mark and asked him to meet up with me at my place to talk. I told him I would prefer Jenn to be around for the talk as well, but I was cool with it if he didn’t want her there. He agreed to talk to both of us and showed up at my place around noon today. It was pretty quiet for a few minutes before I started the conversation. I apologized for not warning him I would be proposing to Jenn, and I apologized for hitting him. He said it was “whatever” but he appreciated the apology. I told him what Jenn had said about the relationship and breakup when I asked her about it and I asked him to confirm if it was true. I pretty much said that his reaction throughout the is whole thing has been extreme and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t misunderstanding their relationship or downplaying how serious they were. He confirmed that they only dated for “a few weeks” and he broke up with her because he lost interest. Jenn asked if he was acting like this because he still had feelings or regrets about ending things with her. He said he could admit he thought she was more attractive than when he last saw her, but there weren’t any feelings or regrets. He said he just didn’t like seeing a girl he dated, even if it was short term, with his older brother and as a man I shouldn’t have violated him by pursuing things with his ex. I reminded him that I had no idea they dated so it wasn’t like I consciously did this knowing their history together. He shrugged me off and said it didn’t matter, I still should have broken it off. He was adamant that if the roles were reversed he would have done the same thing which I doubt. I asked him why he proposed to her if he didn’t have any lingering feelings. Basically, to sum it up, he was talking about it to one of his buddies who was around when Mark and Jenn dated and the guy put the idea in his head that maybe Jenn knew from the start that we were related and was doing this to get back at him considering Jenn had been hung up on him after they ended. He and his friend thought it would be a good idea to test it and see if they were right, so he came up with the idea to propose and see if she dumped me for him. Jenn asked him to elaborate on why he thought she was hung up on him and he told her that he heard she was asking about him following the breakup and still hanging out at the places they used to go to so it was a valid assumption. Then for her to pop up randomly with his brother affirmed his suspicions. Jenn told him she’d only asked about him once following the breakup and she’d been hanging out at those places with friends before they started dating and she wouldn’t avoid them because of a breakup. She also told him she was offended at the idea that she would go as low as to pursue me, just to get back at him. He shrugged and gave her a half assed apology but said she had to see it from his point of view. He asked her if she really didn’t know and she told him that she didn’t see the resemblance in us until we were in the same room and we act nothing alike so it never crossed her mind and he said okay. That pretty much wrapped up the conversation. He did tell me before he left that I could take back his invite to the wedding because he can’t bring himself to support our relationship knowing he used to date her. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that as he was most likely going to be uninvited anyway. It’s been a few hours since our talk and I do feel better. My parents aren’t too happy about him being uninvited but they understood that it was a mutual decision and probably for the best. My sisters told me they knew he didn’t have a good reason for being an asshole and they don’t blame me for not wanting him at the wedding. As of now, I’m going to limit contact with Mark and I doubt he’ll reach out to me any time soon either. Once again, I want to thank everyone for reading and commenting and if anything significant happens, I’ll update again. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Why didn't she know of your family?* "We hadn’t discussed my family much in the beginning of our relationship. I left home to get away from them (my parents specifically) and started reconciling at my sisters request when i decided to move back home. I was open about not being close with them when Jenn asked and she was okay with being left in the dark considering the circumstances." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Equivalent_Ladder197/comments/17t53hk/update23_my_brother_proposed_to_my_fianc%C3%A9_his_ex/) **2 and 3: November 11, 2023 (2 months later)** **Editor's note:** *OOP posted both of these updates on the same post, but to clarify, 'update 3' would have happened about 2 weeks after 'update 2.' He just combined both updates into one post. If I had to guess, it probably was because one of his updates got removed or stuck in limbo on a subreddit.* I couldn’t post this to the same forum so I’m posting this directly to my profile in case anyone is interested in an update. It’s been a while since I’ve posted but a few things have happened since my last talk with Mark. So I’ve been low contact with Mark since our last conversation. I haven’t called him and he hasn’t called me, and our only interactions have been in family settings. As it stands, my mom is now upset that Mark is still uninvited from my wedding. It started with a comment made during my younger sister, Sophie (22F)’s birthday. Her boyfriend of (I think) 4 years proposed to her at the end of the night and we sat around talking about what she envisioned for her dream wedding. She talked a bit about wanting a destination wedding and her ideas for the cake and dress then she said something along the lines of “Teddy I know Mark’s banned from your wedding but you won’t care if he comes to mine right?” I laughed it off and told her I can’t get mad about her guest list even if I wanted to. My mom gave me this weird look and asked if Mark was still not invited to my wedding. I told her yes and she got irritated. She told me she thought I was joking and said I was being unreasonable to go through with banning him from the wedding since he’s family. She accused me of holding a grudge just to be petty. I reminded her that he and I agreed on him not coming. I then told her that this wasn’t the time to talk about my wedding since the day was about Sophie and if Mark or her want to talk about my wedding they can call me another time. Sophie laid into my mom a bit about trying to make her special day about Mark and my mom dropped the issue. For those of you who might be wondering, Mark wasn’t at Sophie’s party because he apparently had to work and couldn’t make it. A few days later, my mom stopped by my house and said she wanted to discuss my wedding. She asked me why I was so adamant about Mark not coming to my wedding. She said that I shouldn’t be so insecure about Mark and Jenn’s previous relationship and that uninviting him was a step too far. I told her that Mark and I mutually agreed on him not coming to the wedding and he can come to me about it himself if he has a problem with it. We got into an argument and she said that if I wasn’t going to reinvite Mark then she would not be coming either because I’m ostracizing her son. I shrugged and told her if that’s what she wants then she can toss her invite in the trash because I won’t beg her to be there. She asked me if I would really be okay with her not attending and I told her it wouldn’t be the first time she missed an event of mine because of Mark. She said I was being an AH for throwing her past mistakes in her face and she stormed out. I then started getting messages and phone calls from her and a few family members about the whole situation saying I was in the wrong and urging me to invite Mark just to keep the peace. Jenn’s also been getting messages from my mom asking her to talk to me and get me to change my mind but to my knowledge she hasn’t been responding. So far, most of my moms side of the family are standing in solidarity with her and not attending while my dad and his side of the family, which is only my aunt and uncle and their two kids, agree with me and are still coming. My sisters are also still coming to the wedding and of course jenn’s family too. Also, I talked to Mark about it and asked him if he had a problem with not having an invite. He said he uninvited himself in the first place and he doesn’t get why they’re making a big deal because he still doesn’t want to go. He told me to leave him out of the fighting because he’s not involved and he says he’d tell her the same. As of now, I’m back to being low contact with my mom but my dad and I are still on decent terms. I’m still deciding on whether I’ll reinvite my mom and her family (should they change their mind about the boycott) but the chances are low and I told my dad this too which he understands. For now, Jenn and I started looking into downsizing the venue since the guest list is significantly smaller. Update 3: My mom is uninvited from the wedding indefinitely. About two weeks after she decided to not come to the wedding, she came stopped by and said she wanted to clear the air and talk about everything. We agreed and invited her in to join us for dinner. Jenn made her a plate of food and I asked her if she was still planning on not coming to the wedding. She said that while she wants to, she can’t get over me not inviting Mark because of a simple mistake. I reminded her that his simple mistake was proposing to my fiancé with me sitting less than three feet away from him and she said it was just a joke. Jenn asked her why she wanted to talk if she was maintaining the same stance on Mark coming to the wedding. She said she wanted to talk to Jenn and she was hoping Jenn would hear her out and talk me into inviting Mark again. She apparently assumed I was at work and she’d be able to catch her alone. Jenn politely told her that she understood her thought process but she wouldn’t have had that conversation anyway without me present since this is about my brother. My mom made a comment somewhere in the lines of Jenn being spineless and unable to have a conversation without me “thinking for her” which started a pretty heated back and forth between the three of us before Jenn told her to get out. She got up and started walking towards the door and my mom followed her still screaming at her. By this point she’s yelling about her tearing our family apart. While Jenn was unlocking the front door my mom grabbed her hair and pulled her to the ground still screaming. She hit her and tried to claw her face and I dragged her off of her and threw her outside. She banged on the door for a few minutes while I made sure Jenn was okay before she left and called the both of us repeatedly. When I was sure Jenn was okay I texted my mom and told her not to bother reaching out again because we’ll never speak to her again. I called my dad and sisters and told them what happened too. My dad was surprised and tried to make excuses, saying she’d been stressed about this whole situation for a while. My sisters say they knew she’d snap eventually since she’s always been a “crazy bi-“ and they said they’d come make sure Jenn is okay. I asked Jenn if she wanted to press charges but she declined and said she only wanted to cut contact with her for good. I told that part was obvious but she should still talk to the police since she was physically assaulted but she doesn’t want my mom to get arrested. My sisters and Jenns mom came by to comfort her thankfully so she’s doing okay. My mom is blocked on everything until Jenn says otherwise. I genuinely don’t know what to do now. Jenn doesn’t want to go to the police because she’d feel guilty having her arrested over this, but my sisters and I want to convince her to, and I’d at least want documentation in case something happens in the future. ***Relevant Comments:*** *All if this could have been avoided if Mark had sat down with your mom and taken responsibility:* "He absolutely could, but I don’t think he knows what accountability means. I really do believe he thinks he has nothing to do with our moms actions and I don’t think anything I say will be enough to convince him that everything she does is for him and her own selfish gain" *OOP comments on November 12 to someone saying they should really press charges:* "Jenn is still against formal charges but after reading some of your comments with me and a long talk about how this could escalate she agreed to have it documented with the police just in case. She wants to talk to my dad about possibly getting her back in therapy or some kind of treatment for her erratic behavior. And of course we are moving forward with going no contact" **Clarification** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Equivalent_Ladder197/comments/17uu2he/some_background_on_my_relationship_with_my_parents/)**: November 13, 2023** **Title:** Some background on my relationship with my parents Some people were asking questions about my mom and my decision not to be open with Jenn about my relationship with my parents. I figure I could give some background on why we’re so strained. Like some of you said, Mark was the golden child. Mark was my mom’s “baby boy” and she didn’t do much to try and hide it. They didn’t spend much time with my sisters and I like normal parents did with their kids unless they had to, but they’d spend time with Mark as often as possible like taking him out shopping while we stayed with a sitter, or bringing him home his favorite food and toys from the store when they’d shop alone. He usually got better things compared to the rest of us like new expensive clothes while ours were thrifted or new toys just for him compared to old toys we had to share with each other. If my sisters and I got gifts, they were for us to share, but my mom made it pretty clear that Mark’s things were only for him and we shouldn’t touch it. When Mark would screw up, I’d get punished for not being a good role model and showing him the proper way to behave. For example, Mark went through a phase of breaking his toys and I got the beating because obviously he learned that behavior from me. When he was 8, Mark got in trouble at school for trying to push a kid down the stairs. I was grounded for two weeks and told to apologize to the kid for not teaching my brother right. When I turned 13, I pushed for my parents to start giving me an allowance. They agreed as long as I did household chores like mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, raking leaves, etc. It was usually somewhere around $25 a week to help me start saving. Mark saw that I was getting money and he begged my parents for an allowance too. Instead of making him work, $10 of my allowance money was given to him each week because “we” were doing such a good job with our chores (that he never touched) Whenever I asked him to help, he’d tell me it’s not his job to do chores so why should he bother. It was around this time that I started really distancing myself from my brother. By the time I entered high school, we only talked to each other when we needed small favors or when we absolutely had to. I got my first job when I turned 17 because I wanted to finally get my own car and make money that they couldn’t force me to give to Mark. My oldest sister Maggie helped me start my own bank account and showed me how to properly budget and save my money. I got my first car at 18 after all of my hard work. When Mark got his license, my parents asked me to let him use my car to get around and for extra practice behind the wheel. Reluctantly I agreed and for a while the arrangement was fine. Mark used my car when I didn’t need it and helped maintain it pretty well. When he expressed wanting my parents to buy him his own car, my mom came to me and told me to give him my car because he needed it more. When I refused, she threatened to kick me out. We got in a fight that night which ended with her giving Mark my car and taking me to transfer ownership of it to him within the following few days. Since I didn’t have anywhere else I could go at the time, I just sucked it up and signed it over When I graduated high school, both of my parents skipped my graduation because Mark didn’t want to sit in a long ceremony just to see me get a piece of paper, and my mom didn’t want to leave him alone for the night. So I only had the support of my sisters and my Aunt and Uncle who wanted to take me out. They ended up having to bring me home at my parents request because they made me dinner to make it up to me. It was a dinner I couldn’t eat because my mom put shrimp and chicken on the same serving dish and I’m allergic to shellfish. IMy first year out of high school I worked two jobs to buy myself another car, and at the start of the new school year I moved away for college and cut contact with them. They (mostly my mom) tried to reach out for the first few months via social media and Sophie, but I never responded and I told Sophie she would be cut off too if she kept trying. When she couldn’t get to me through Sophie, she tried going through my older sister Charlotte, and a few times through Maggie and Mark until I threatened to file a restraining order for harassment. It was a bluff because I had no idea how to do it, but it managed to scare her off and the most I got from her was Happy Holiday texts over the years. Around the time I moved back, Charlotte told me they had been seeing a family therapist (at Charlotte’s request) and my parents wanted to apologize for their treatment of us. I was hesitant but I agreed as long as they would be genuine, and the reconciliation process started when I moved back home. That doesn’t even scratch the surface of everything they put me through, and it took a lot for me to even begin to let them back into my life. When I met Jenn, I wasn’t sure where my relationship with her was going or where my relationship with my parents was going. I didn’t want to mention my family at all mostly because I was ready to cut contact again if I needed to. Jenn was understanding of it being a sore subject and didn’t press for more. I hope this helps shed some light on some of the questions I’d been seeing pop up. ***Relevant Comment:*** *On why OOP didn't have reconciliation depend on them reimbursing him for the car:* "Eh getting reimbursement for the car wasn’t a hill I was willing to die on since the damage was already done. Even now it’s hard to believe Mark was the favorite. There wasn’t anything really special about him. I don’t mean that as an insult either, he was just a regular kid. My parents weren’t having fertility issues, he wasn’t a miracle, wasn’t a meal ticket, they weren’t having marital problems and using a baby as a bandaid. He was just born and they decided to love him more than us. and believe me they didn’t think this was normal, they just have a soft spot for our parents because they’re our parents and they believe they have redeeming qualities." *You sure you're not adopted?* "I’m biological. Unfortunately they couldn’t deny me even if they wanted to haha, I used to make excuses for them but after a while I had to admit that they’re just two people who should never have had kids." **\*\*\*\*\*Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Equivalent_Ladder197/comments/187mv4n/update_4/) **4: November 30, 2023 (17 days later)\*\*\*\*\*** I want to thank everyone who’s taken the time to give me advice on what to do going forward and all the kind messages and comments I’ve gotten over the past few days/weeks. Jenn and I have read the comments together and everything is appreciated. To answer the most common question about why I chose to reconnect after everything, the short answer is because I would do anything for my sisters. Charlotte wanted the entire family around and for the birth of her first child and to help her while she adjusts. She didn’t want part time aunts and uncles who would only visit her kid during birthdays and holidays. She was never the type to ask for much of anything growing up so when she asked if I would be willing to try for her, I agreed because it would make her happy. I also think part of me hoped that maybe they’d changed. I don’t regret trying to reconcile either. My parents are still terrible but I met the love of my life so I call it a win. A few people wanted to know if there’s an update so here we go. Sorry if it’s a mess or confusing, a lot has happened. We filed a report with the police and were told that even though Jenn doesn’t want to pursue anything, it’s not up to us to decide whether it goes further but they would keep our preference in mind. We provided some pretty decent evidence of the assault including pictures of Jenn’s face and texts with my mom and dad talking about what happened. We were advised to report and record any other incidents with my mom going further in case anything else happens. Considering where we live, I doubt it’ll go anywhere but at least we have it on record. I got about 100 angry text messages that tell me they at least spoke with her regarding the incident. My mom tried to corner me leaving my job and screamed at me about trying to ruin her life. She kept screaming that I was an awful son for trying to get her arrested over a small misunderstanding and she didn’t understand what she’d done to deserve being punished like this. I told her that if she didn’t like being in legal trouble then she shouldn’t have hit Jenn. She demanded I tell the police to forget the report which I refused. I told her exactly what the officer said about it being out of my hands. She had a tantrum in the parking lot and hit me a few times (just on the chest and arm) before security intervened and dragged her off the property. I had to talk to my boss about the incident. Luckily she was understanding of everything going on after I explained what was happening. When I got home, I told Jenn what happened. She was upset and asked that we discuss the plan with my family moving forward. It was a long talk, but we took the advice of some redditors and decided to go completely no contact with my family aside from my sisters. We agreed that having them in my life is adding unnecessary stress for the both of us and we aren’t even married yet. She told me she wanted to consider moving away and putting some distance between us and my family. She said that she tried to stay out of my family issues because it‘s not her place, but she refuses to put up with my mom and her behavior or my dad enabling her abuse. A lot more was said, too much to put in this post, but I agreed with her that they were more trouble than they’re worth and I also don’t want to put up with this anymore. I also agreed to go to therapy and she’s helping me find a therapist. I decided to call my dad after our talk and let him know I would be going no contact. He didn’t answer the first time I called so I left a message asking to have a long talk. When he called back, he asked if it was okay for my mom to be apart of the conversation. I told him it was okay since she needed to hear what I had to say too. The conversation went about as well as you could expect. I told them both that Jenn and I are cutting them out of our lives. My dad demanded to know why I would do something like that after going through all the trouble of repairing our relationship. I told him that this entire thing with Mark has shown me that nothing is actually repaired between us and, as far as they’re concerned, the world revolves around only around my mom and my little brother. I told them that their continued favoritism of Mark has brought our relationship to a point of no return and that I wasn’t interested in holding on to a failing relationship. I told them that I agreed to reconcile for Charlotte’s sake, but I don’t appreciate all of the disrespect towards me and Jenn, and that I wouldn’t put up with it anymore for both of our sakes. To my mom specifically, I told her that I was tired of her using me as a scapegoat for her bad parenting and Mark‘s attitude. I also told her that I would never forgive her for what she did to Jenn and what she did to me and my sisters growing up. She started to say how I should move on like my sisters have but I cut her off and told her that she should take their forgiveness and move on because she would never receive it from me, especially after everything she’s done these last few weeks. She started crying and asking me how I could treat her like such a villain. I told her she could only be upset with herself because I’ve done nothing wrong. She cried harder and told me how much she regretted having me and how I’ve only tried to ruin her life. This started a heated argument between her and Jenn once again and Jenn told her in much more colorful words that she was disgusting (and plenty of other nice names) for saying something like that to me. I don’t know if she left the room or just decided to shut up but my mom stopped talking when Jenn was done speaking to her. My dad said he wasn’t okay with being shut out of my life and he asked me to try to understand my mom’s point of view. He said that she was also struggling because her kids were at odds and I was being unfair to punish her for her struggles with raising and caring for us. The last thing he said was that we were a family and I shouldn’t let past mistakes stop us from moving forward together. I told him that the only person she ever cared for was Mark and herself and there was nothing he could say or do to make me change my mind. I told him that it was up to him whether to keep my number but I would be blocking him and my mom everywhere and I wouldn’t be reaching out again, then I hung up. Afterward, I sent a long email with the link to my posts attached to my entire family uninviting everyone except my Aunt and Uncle and my sisters to the wedding. I hadn’t cried in a long time but Jenn held me while I cried after writing the email and she assured me we would be okay. My sisters also reached out to me after reading the email. I apologized to Charlotte for not being able to continue reconciling like she wanted but she told me it was okay and it’s not my fault I had to cut them off again. The response from my family has been pretty mixed. Some are angry I aired out family issues on a public internet forum while others are pissed at my parents because they “never knew it was this bad.” The last person I talked to about everything was Mark. He asked if I was cutting him off too and I told him I wasn’t but I wouldn’t be going out of my way to reach out to him either. He didn’t argue and just wished me the best with the wedding and we haven’t spoken since. Right now, Jenn and I are looking for a new place to stay. The plan is to move closer to Jenn’s brother. He lives about 3 hours from where we are now and Jenn and I like the city he’s in. I spoke to my boss about transferring and Jenn is looking into the option of working 100% remotely or possibly finding a new job. And once again our venues changed. Since the guest list is significantly smaller, my FBIL is considering letting us use his lake house for our wedding. I don’t plan to post any more about this unless the sky falls, at least not until the wedding, because I want to move on with life, but I’ll try to answer any questions some of you might have. Thanks and Happy Holidays! Edit: It took a few days to post this and I had to keep removing details before I could actually post it. If anything’s unclear I’ll answer as many questions as I can. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Your mom might try to figure out where you move to:* "Aha I’m already anticipating the aftermath of moving. She’s going to follow us when we move because that’s the kind of crazy she is. When she doesn’t get her way she becomes obsessive until she’s forced to stop. I spoke with a lawyer friend of mine to see about a possible restraining order to stop her before she starts. Thanks for the well wishes! Happy Holidays :)" *Did mom read the comments?* "According to Sophie she’s read a lot of them and doesn’t think reddit strangers have the right to tell her she’s a bad person lol. I dont think there’s any amending left in me. Wish them the best..just as far from me and my family as possible"

Another new update to: My brother proposed to my fiancée (his ex) and I’m pissed

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18co1nk/another_new_update_to_my_brother_proposed_to_my/

18cvw4b

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ThrowRApalmayqueso, [Previous BoRU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17zgtcc/i_30m_think_my_wife_29f_is_in_love_with_her/) **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest **I [30M] think my wife [29F] is in love with her female best friend.** **NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH** --- Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, mentions of homophobia, physical abuse, commenter abuse, victim blaming!< --- &nbsp; **RECAP** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17rbyxs/i_30m_think_my_wife_29f_is_in_love_with_her/) - **November 9, 2023** I have been married with my wife for seven years and we meet eight years ago in a church meeting and we became friends. My wife is a quiet, kind and beautiful woman, any man's dream therefore it was obvious that I fell for her instantly although she always behaved with what I thought was shyness, not wanting to cuddle with me or only kissing me on rare occasions we both were raised in Christian Families in a part of our country that is really religious, but unlike me, her parents were always the type who follows the Holy Doctrine really seriously so she has a traditional way of thinking about religion and how women should behave so I always tought that it was because of that her behavior is like that. Sometimes I think she looks like a robot, she's nice and kind with everyone but a couple of times I saw her staying all quiet staring into space like if she was dead, over the years I began to take it as something normal on her personality because she always refused to go to the psychologist and always said that she's just like that, until two months ago when she found out that the woman who was her best friend in high school was coming back to the town, I never saw her so happy and alive. I felt happy for her, thinking that what she needed was a female friend. My wife never used to leave the house but since that woman is staying in the town she has been going out as much posible, She became a different person but not in a bad way, but she looks full of life and to be honest I never saw her smile as much as when she tells me that she will go out with her friend for a coffee (for the record, I'm sure she's not sleeping with her because she doesn't know how to lie and her behavior with me never changed). I'm not going to deny it, days ago I started to feel jealous of that woman, that she is the reason why my wife smiles so much and is on her phone all day, out of pure curiosity three days ago I entered her FB and some albums were public, she had a lot of álbumes and I found pictures of her and my wife during High school, that woman was hugging my wife as if they were a couple, in some of the photos they were holding hands or looking at each other with bright smiles which is something she never does with me. Her family hates gay people although my wife never talked ill about them but just avoid talking about the topic wich now makes sense to me. I don't know whether to confront her because maybe I'm just thinking too much or maybe she's in love with her ¿ex-girlfriend?. The only thing I'm sure of is that she only looks happy talking about that woman so I don't know what to do Edit: I'm sorry if I write something wrong, English is not my first language. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **yetagainitry:** Yes she does love her friend, because she's her friend. All I saw in your post was a woman being excited that a close friend she hasn't seen in years is coming back, and that there was a picture of them hugging. I'm assuming all this paranoia is from your religious upbringing cause all i'm seeing is two women are friends. If you should be asking anything it's why didn't you see the clear lonliness your wife was feeling before this friend came back into her life? >**OP:** I referred to the way they held hands especially because my wife and I never held hands, When we started dating every time I tried she told me to not hug her or hold her hands because "she doesn't like romantic things", I always respected her boundaries about that so I did get confused when I saw her in pictures like that with another person. > >We do have a healthy relationship in feelings terms, when I notice she's off we talk although she never wanted to see a psychologist but she likes to talk about why she feels weird that day but but always ends up saying that that's her personality , we have been always close friends since we meet but it surprised me when I saw she actually likes being hugged by someone **Particular-Use-6913:** I think that’s pretty odd. Surely at some point your paths would cross, even if you weren’t wondering. Does your wife give an explanation as to why the friend wouldn’t care to? I don’t know many people who wouldn’t want to meet their best friend’s significant other. >**OP:** Same, that's why I feel it's odd My wife just says that her friend isn't interested in meeting me and closes the conversation, I feel that if I insist on asking the reason we would end up arguing and I always prefer to avoid that > >I know her friend left the town to live in the capital and sometimes people become elitist after living there but that wouldn't make sense since I lived half my life in the capital and while my family is religious, I was never the strict religious type so I don't get why her friend doesn't want to meet me &nbsp; **Editor’s Note: The update was created in a separate post which was later deleted. OOP has posted the update under his original post** [Update - in the same post with Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17rbyxs/i_30m_think_my_wife_29f_is_in_love_with_her/) - **November 9, 2023** Thanks for the advices in my previous post, although I got few replies everyone was very friendly. I decided to confront my wife and ask about the photos with her friend during high school, everyone in the post said that they are most likely just friends and made my mind feel more in peace thinking that I was overthinking but when I showed her the photos she began to breathe fast in what I think was a panic attack, I helped her to calm but then she got upset because I sneaked in her friend FB, I knew she was trying to change the subject because she loves to do that so I got serious and told her to talk. After a few long minutes full of her trying to change the topic, she ended up telling me everything: Indeed, she and her friend used to be a couple during high school and friends since Kindergarten, they kept the relationship as a secret pretending to be only best friends until my wife's parents found out and beated her up separating them, her friend moved to the capital that year and they never saw each other again but for what my wife said and showed, they never stopped loving each other. In some point of the conversation my wife stopped calling her friend by name and without realizing she started calling her "Mi amor" wich hurt me because in all years married she never called me like that, I asked her if she was cheating on me with her friend and said that they never kissed or anything but I'm sure she's emotionally cheating me (She doesn't know what's that concept so she really believes she's not doing anything wrong) The reason why her friend never wanted to meet me or even go to our wedding is because she hates to see 'her' love married with a man she doesn't even like and living a lie, ouch. I asked my wife if she loves me and said yes but like a best friend, yes, my own wife just friendzoned me. She cried a lot saying that she's really sorry for lying to me, when we meet we really clicked as friends and she told me that her parents insisted her to marry me so she could 'heal', that explained why she never liked to hug, cuddle or do anything romantic with me; It wasn't because she was shy but because she didn't liked me. I wanted to lose my temper and yell at her, I wanted to cry and even run away because I was patient and empathetic with all the times she rejected my affection and I felt alone, I've even been thinking for years that maybe I'm a bad husband and I was treating her badly without realizing it, feeling insecure about my own personality but she assured me that I was never the problem. I didn't cried or yell, I just left the house and came to my sister's house, we didn't talked about divorce or anything like that, I even think my wife doesn't see any problem with what she did with her friend but I'm sure that I don't want to spend all my life in a loveless marriage with a woman that will never love me back. I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just venting at this point but I feel like I wasted all my youth, I didn't expected to update so fast but I needed to talk about that. It's not like I don't feel bad for her, I do, but now I feel even worse for myself. Pd-I had to delete the first update because I had to edit some things. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **AlpineJ:** Has she tried contacting you since you left? >**OP:** No, not at all. But at least for today I don't want to talk with her neither **kingthunderflash:** You need to divorce her and go completely NC. You deserve so much better than that toxic woman who has lied to your face for years. I’m sorry OP. >**OP:** I'm sure that I will divorce her although I still didn't tell her that because I want time alone. I feel empathy for her and always saw her as a kind woman but the fact that she used me totally changed my perception of her. Thanks for your words:) &nbsp; [Final Update – recovered with Wayback Machine](https://web.archive.org/web/20231113231052/https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17unpic/final_update_i_think_my_wife_is_in_love_with_her/) - **November 13, 2023** Maybe nobody remember my two first posts but I wanted to at least post a final update because I'm really thankful for all the kind comments and advices I received, they're helping me a lot. I come back to my house the day after my last update and my ex-wife was there laying in the couch, the first thing I said when I entered was "We're going to divorce" Maybe that wasn't the best way of saying it but she have the habit of changing the topic when I want to talk about serious things so I didn't wanted her to do that this time. She crearly didn't expected that and started to cry and have an anxiety attack saying that we can't divorce, that I can't do that to us but what hit me harder was "There's no point in us breaking up, the fact that I don't love you doesn't change anything" wich is true, I realized that our relationship was always like that, her treating me just like a friend and me accepting that kind of trait. She said that she never cheated or anything like that even if I explained again what's "Emotional cheating", I told her that she's not even attracted to mans so there's no sense in staying married because we're just not for each other and asked her if she still loved that bestfriend and she didn't denied it but kept insisting that we shouldn't divorce. I can understand why she was so desesperate but it made me feel used, like if I was her pathetic beard who she can always use as a shield for herself or a dog who will always be happy with the smallest token of affection. I don't need her signature anyway to get a divorce so even if she doesn't want to, we're 100% going to break up. I told her I'm not going to take her out of the closet but if anyone asks I'll just say the truth avoiding the sexuality topic because I don't want people gossiping and assuming things that didn't happened. The lands and basically all the things of the house are mine and maybe I'm an asshole for this but I told her that I will not give her anything because it's all mine and I inherited the land from my grandfather, at this point she just looked sad and defeated so didn't complained or anything (Although I will get advice from a lawyer to be sure). I told her that she can stay until december in the house and she answered that she will be probably have to come back to live with her parents wich actually made me feel bad because my ex-in-laws are not good people but for what she said, she's still talking with her bestfriend so luckily she's not alone, the conversation finished awkward with me just leaving. For now I'm staying at my sister's house, I can have time for myself since she and my other sisters are out of the province for a concert, I didn't talked with my ex-wife after that day and she didn't tried to contact me but I know that she told my ex-in-laws about the divorce because they wanted to contact me to ask why we're divorcing but I just answered that "These are things that need to be resolved only between her and me". So this will be probably my last update because i will go NC with my ex-wife after the divorce, we don't have childrens (Sometimes she started talks about having a baby and now I feel really relieved of always saying that I didn't felt ready, maybe something in me was already telling me that she wasn't for me) so we don't have anything that tie us together. I have been going to the psychologist since I was a child so I think that has helped me a lot to channel my emotions, many in the comments said that I shouldn't have empathy or things like that for her but we're both broken people that suffers from a religious trauma and I know how bad that mess to people's mind and heart. Some people in the coments where confused about why I stayed with her when she clearly didn't loved me romantically but I don't know, maybe I always justified her actions because somehow I felt identified with her, maybe I have a hero complex or maybe my sense of duty is too strong that I felt internally tied up with her and responsible of making her happy as her husband even if she always rejected my romantic love. I don't know, that's something I will talk and work with my Psychologist. Also I received questions like why I married with her In the first place and she was the one who said "We should marry" And I was inmature and young at that time and because we got along well I tought it was a good idea. For now I just want to divorce and then spend time with my family. In general I feel numb and weird, I haven't cried yet and in the session of yesterday my psychologist told me that he thinks I already grieve the relationship long time ago even if I didn't realized it. I don't feel like I lost a wife but like a lost a close and good friend and company, not a heartbreak pain but a betrayal pain. Anyways, I don't want anything to do with her anymore, maybe I'm being a bad person for abandoning her knowing the type of life she had but I can't save a person who doesn't want to be saved and I'm tired of trying. For now I will just say goodbye maybe not to a woman I saw as the love of my life but to a woman who helped me and was a good friend for years. I'm really thankful about the kind comments people left (even some mean ones wich make me think that maybe I'm too quiet with how I reacted, that's something wrong? I was never the temperamental type), I'm sorry if the update is a boring one and not about me starting my villain era but that's not my style haha. Thanks everyone! &nbsp; --- # NEW UPDATE [New Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRApalmayqueso/comments/187saqs/clarifying_a_few_things/) - **November 30, 2023** Hello! It's been a while since I posted and sadly the mods deleted the two times I tried to post a final update, I don't know if someone is gonna read this but my sister (she knows about the reddit posts) showed me that someone posted the story on tiktok, sadly I read the comments and beside the account changed A LOT of things, I also read all kind of comments assuming things about me that are fake. I want to clarify some things: 1-I never married her because I wanted a submissive woman, we were both like best friends... I don't know why I read comments saying that I wanted a housewife when I didn't, many times I offered her to work with me but she never wanted to look for a job or study something so I didn't insisted because we were doing well financially. 2- I wasn't going to "Open the relationship" for her, luckily I realized I deserve so much better, and to be honest? I already give up too much things for her to give up also my life. Maybe some people is okay with having a loveless marriage but not me, not anymore. 3- I read a lot the comments saying "He should help her, he should be generous with the divorce" But how do you help a person who doesn't want to be helped? I tried, for years to help her and now all I do is keep hearing about horrible things she did behind my back that I don't really want to talk about. 4- "She used you because she was afraid of coming out" I understand that, I do, but I deserved that? I deserved to be used? I deserved her to even use my money to buy things for her "bestfriend"? I don't think so. We live in an open country, even one of my sisters is lesbian and married and I know I would've helped my soon to be ex-wife in a past if she confessed that to me. 5- We married but she had countless opportunities to tell me the truth, she never cared to see me feel insecure about her, instead she kept insisting that we should have a baby, now I realized that she wanted that to make sure that if we divorced she would get something since she never worked or studied. 6- I found out her bestfriend have a wife and a baby so no, my ex-wife is not with her and the situation became even more messed up but honestly I don't want to get into that. My ex keep insisting that she never cheated on me with her physically so I think I believe her in that, at least. 7- I also suffer from religious trauma and a trauma doesn't makes you a bad person, that's something that's inside. 8- Nobody forced her to the marriage, in my country nobody does that. I asked her why she wanted to marry and she said that her parents told her that she needed to heal and she said I was "a good man for her", that's why she used to insist a lot in getting married. So if anyone wants to know how everything ended; I'm getting divorced But it's a tedious and lengthy process, I'm keeping the house, the car, everything, I'm selfish? Maybe, but I wanted to think of myself once in a lifetime, working for those things is hard and I dedicated my life to building my house. Mi ex-wife is currently living with her brother, she never asked me how I was, neither when I left the house after finding the truth, but I did check if she was fine sending messages the first days asking how she was feeling, I suffered a mental breakdown a few days ago because she keeps sending me texts saying that we should comeback together, we should have a child (I never wanted to have a baby with her and she insisted a lot of times in that) and that "It doesn't matter that she doesn't love me, she never loved me and we lived well so I should go on with the marriage for her", it make me realize she's only trying to make me feel guilty So that just made me understand that for her I'm not even an human, maybe I'm not even a dog at her eyes so I just blocked her number. I understand she's anxious because she doesn't have anything but it's not like I've never told her to finish a career so to be honest I just give up on her, I'm too tired of this situation. I don't really know what's she's going to do with her life but I don't care anymore, My psychologist made me realize all the narcissistic traits she has, I want to move on with my life because I deserve that and because I'm tired of being used. So yeah, i don't know if someone is going to read this but I want to leave this post here because sadly people likes to distort the story &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

[New Update] - I [30M] think my wife [29F] is in love with her female best friend.

NEW UPDATE

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18cvw4b/new_update_i_30m_think_my_wife_29f_is_in_love/

18d31ll

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/yelxxx in r/CatAdvice** [I added capital letters for readability.] --- &nbsp; [**Neighbor left his cat to me, a dog person**](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/comments/126p36q/neighbor_left_his_cat_to_me_a_dog_person/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - April, 2023 So as the title says, I'm usually a dog person but last week my neighbor asked if we could take care of his cat bec he was leaving the country and won't be back for years. At first I wanted to say no bec I, a grown man was scared of cats. But my neighbor practically begged and said he's been running around for days looking for someone to take the cat in to no avail. Anyway, it's been a week now and so far so good. I can see her slowly warming up. She's been demanding pets and this morning she jumped on my keyboard while I was in a meeting with my boss. I'm just a bit curious and looking for advice on how to earn her trust since I read somewhere that cats take longer to adjust and trust a new caretaker. What are the usual signs that they trust u?? where to pet?? how to ask her to stop scratching me?? how to get her to come to me bec I've been "psssspsssss"ing my ass out and so far she rarely comes when called. Some vids if y'all like to see her: https://imgur.com/a/Jj6a9N5 Any advice will help bec she still scares me sometimes lmaooo thanks! [Comments offer some excellent advice on cat care and communication.] Comment: It sounds like you have a great addition to your family. Cats generally like to come to you. Some are super friendly and ready for love. usually though they need to come to you in their own time. Just be steady with her and gentle. ;) OOP: Yea, they do. She comes near, meows and then stares deeply into my soul. Comment: If she jumped on your keyboard, she loves and trusts you. Hello cat lover. OOP: At first I thought that was her attempt to tell me I'm her slave now. Like a dominance thing lol. &nbsp; [**UPDATE: "neighbor left his cat to me, a dog person"**](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/comments/162pjtq/update_neighbor_left_his_cat_to_me_a_dog_person/) - September, 2023, five months later So, some of you may be familiar with my first post Since my last post, she's totally invaded my life. Gotten pretty comfortable with the environment and the people around. She also cozied up to me a lot more haha. She would jump in bed with me at night demanding cuddles and pets before I sleep and in the morning she would wake me up in the morning by clawing my ass and not stop meowing until I feed her. All through out the day she would have her little adventures going god knows where but comes back from time to time to meow and ask for pets. Growing up I never had cats because we were much more of a dog family but I find that its like having a roommate, she lives her own life but stays nearby all the time for pets and lil talks. She naps aaaaaallll theeeee timeeee, at first I got really worried and thought she was sick but people say its normal for cats. Sometimes I would ask her questions to find she's napping under my desk or beside me. When she wakes up, she would sit up first and then start clawing my legs for pets. We also seem to develop a chirp. Whenever I try to call her I started to chirp and would do a better job at calling her attention than her name. Its quite funny because no matter how far across from me in a room or whatever she may be doing, when I do our little chirp her head would do a full 180 and her ears would stick out. I also decided to remove her collar because I don't think she's comfortable with it plus I think she knows I'm her human now so she's gotta come back to me after her lil cat errands round the neighborhood. Lastly, she slow blinks at me all the time now haha. I was told its a sign that they care about you so I also started doing it to her and without fail, she'll blink back. Like our lil coded message. Everythings been good so far and I hope she thinks the same way too. Here are some recent pics of her: https://imgur.com/a/EoyD4L8 Thanks to everyone who gave their advice on my first post!!! Comment: What a sweetie, so happy for you guys!! I will say this, a collar is the most effective way to get your cat returned to you if she gets lost. But if she really does seem bothered by it, make sure to get her microchipped if she hasn’t been yet. (There was a long conversation in the comments about collars. OOP did not say whether he had gotten a new collar for the cat.) **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

Neighbor left his cat to me, a dog person

CONCLUDED

Golden_Mandala

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18d31ll/neighbor_left_his_cat_to_me_a_dog_person/

18d3jfo

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** [**u/lowpriorityhusband**](https://www.reddit.com/user/lowpriorityhusband/) **AITAH for 'outing' my wife's asexuality after she just let her friends gang up on me?** **Originaly posted to** r/AITAH &#x200B; &#x200B; [**Original Post (recovered with rareddit)**](https://rareddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17zvw8i/aitah_for_outing_my_wifes_asexuality_after_she/) **- Nov 20, 2023** ​A little backstory: been together 9 years, married a little over 3. We both had incredibly high sex drives in the beginning, and like normal after some time they began to come and go. We used to never go more than a few days without having sex. We got married just before the pandemic, which might have added to things, but the long and short of it is after some personal therapy at the beginning of 2020, my wife concluded that she was asexual and mostly had sex for my benefit and to maintain the relationship. Looking back, I can kind of see it now. It would've been nice to know beforehand, but it is what it is. She still offers sex once in a while because she knows I want to have it, but I turn it down every time. It's no fun having sex with someone just doing it for your benefit. If I'm going to have sex with someone, they should actually want to have sex with me. Not just for maintenance. Fast forward to this past Friday. We went to a party at one of her friend's house. I know a few people so it's never too bad, although I'm not a big party guy. As usual, we end up being one of the last to leave. The last hour or so of these parties are usually chill - just sit around in the living room, chat, catch up. It's quiet. But the conversations eventually turn sexual and personal. And I hate it, honestly, for obvious reasons (namely having to hear all these women talk about how much they love having sex with her husbands / partners and all the things they do and knowing I'll never have that). The worst part though is my wife makes up all these wild stories and things we do - not even have done in the past. Just flat out lies, but because she's embarrassed of her asexuality, I just kind of nod along since she's 'not really comfortable with other people knowing'. I had come back from the bathroom to them having a conversation about oral sex. One story about how someone didn't like it at first now they love it. Another about wishing they got it more. Another about liking it more than sex sometimes. Then it comes time for my wife to talk, and they're prying for details. For whatever reason, my wife decides to tell the truth, and say that she "can't remember the last time someone went down on her". Of course, she left out the key bit of context, which turned into this group haranguing of how I need to put in more effort, how my wife probably gives me head all the time and I don't return the favour, and how it's typical of men to be selfish lovers. I took it for a few minutes hoping my wife would jump in and stop it. She just kept quietly saying "it's okay, it's okay, I don't mind, he does other stuff, blah blah blah" but they kept going. Finally, one of her friends (who as an anecdote I fucking despise because she's overly confrontational for absolutely no reason) demands to know why I don't eat my wife out more often. In a room full of like 9 other people. I look to my wife and ask if she'd like to chime in, but she doesn't. I shrug and say that I actually really enjoy performing oral sex on women, but that my wife doesn't let me because we don't have sex. My wife's face dropped as she shot a look at me. I didn't even explicitly say she was asexual. I just said we didn't have sex, and haven't for a few years when further harassed about it. She immediately begins apologizing for me, explaining that things have been rocky so we haven't been having sex much, which I immediately shut down because that's not even remotely true. If anything, things have been great lately. If she's been having issues or doubts, this would be my first time hearing them. I finally gave up. I told my wife I was going home, but she said she wasn't done yet or ready to leave. I logged into Uber on her phone so she could use my account and told her she can take it home or stay the night, but that I would not sit here and be a punching bag because she was to ashamed to admit she was asexual. My wife immediately ran to the bathroom, and I was told to leave. She came home not long after me, and hasn't spoken much to me since except to half-heartedly apologize but that outing her like I did was worse. I apologized for 'outing her' but that she didn't leave me much choice. A few of her friends have messaged me calling me every name up and down the book and saying they're going to convince her to leave me. One or two of the boyfriends/husbands messaged me and said they were sorry and didn't know and offered to buy me a beer if I wanted. Another of the friends (in an openly poly relationship) actually offered to have sex with me which I showed my wife immediately. She says she knows it must have been shitty to sit there and take it but that they're not really my friends, so some momentary discomfort from people I don't really associate with isn't comparable to her prolonged discomfort of significant people in her life now knowing she's asexual. I completely disagree but can kind of see where she's coming from. So, am I the asshole here? EDIT: A few things I can't reply to because there's so many comments and I can't reply to all of them. 1. I actually don't mind not having sex because I genuinely love her. There are times it does get to me, and this was admittedly one of them, but they are very rare (maybe 2 or 3 times a year). No part of me believes she bait-and-switch'd me for a ring - that's just not who she is. 2. She is asexual. She's not fucking other guys. I'm not some cuck waiting at home like a few DMs insinuated. I went with her for a few therapy sessions where she let me know. I fully support her. 3. Yes, I'm aware that technically it is 'my fault' we don't have sex. Asexuality is a spectrum, yes. She feels no desire to have sex. She physically likes sex, but otherwise she could live without it. My boundary is I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't desire me. I'm not undermining asexuality by having that boundary. 4. The issue here isn't that I'm with someone who is asexual. I'm not sure why people keep telling me my marriage is over. I never suggested it. The issue is how she handles it and expects me to take the brunt of this kind of bullshit because she's ashamed of it. &#x200B; &#x200B; [**\[UPDATE\] AITAH for 'outing' my wife's asexuality after she just let her friends gang up on me?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/186ovc1/update_aitah_for_outing_my_wifes_asexuality_after/) **- Nov 29, 2023** ​tl;dr of the original post though was during therapy wife came to accept she was asexual, didn't want to tell anyone out of embarrassment, made up sex stories about us and let her friends chew me out during a party instead of telling them off because of embarrassment of being ace, and I outed her when I said I was sick of being a punching bag because she was ashamed of her asexuality. So I deleted the original post as it got pretty overwhelming. It was crossposted to a few other subreddits. I got a lot of hate in my DMs. It even made it to those Tiktoks where a TTS reads it with Minecraft gameplay in the background...which led to precisely where I am now. It had come across one of her friends' feeds two days ago, who sent it to her, which led to a conversation and a fairly productive few days. In the time since, I did apologize for outing her, and she apologized to me for letting it get that far. She ended up telling all her friends, and none of them cared and were entirely supportive. She asked them to apologize to me because it was her who put me in that situation, but only one of them has, and it was a half-hearted one at that (paraphrasing but basically "yeah, sorry, but maybe it's best if you don't come to gatherings anymore" sort of thing). We've started back at couple's counselling too. I was happy with where things ended up after the initial conversation but we decided to go back to get everything out and hopefully find a workable way forward. A few things I wanted to address from comments everywhere: * Asexuality is real. She's not low libido. She has no libido and doesn't feel that urge everyone else does. She believes she never has, but talked herself into thinking it because that's what she felt she was supposed to do. I wasn't paraphrasing, misunderstanding, or putting words in her mouth. This is her description of it. * A handful of people said it was entirely my fault for us not having sex and my boundary was harmful to asexual people and childish, so I wanted to clarify: my wife was the one who used the phrasing of 'maintenance sex'. She has made it clear that she has no desire for sex but will do it for me occasionally if I want it. In her words, it's a task she is happy to do to keep me happy, and I'm not comfortable with that. It's more or less a favour - like if I asked her to pick up my dry cleaning. It's not selfish or childish to want a partner to actually want to have sex with you. Otherwise, it's masturbating with someone's body, which I'm not fine with. I'm fine without sex. That part was grossly overinflated in some comments. I was uncomfortable at the lying and being thrown under the bus. I value her for far more than sex anyway. There's more that defines a relationship than sex. * Many people pointed out how it was weird friends sit around and talk about their sex lives. I believe so to some degree (these aren't super raunchy conversations anyway) but I see no issue in close friends being open about things like this. It's not a big deal to me personally. * A couple people sent me resources on being a partner to someone who is asexual and I want to thank you for that. EDIT: Here's the one I found the most helpful: [https://www.davewheitner.com/sexuality/resources-partners-asexuals/](https://www.davewheitner.com/sexuality/resources-partners-asexuals/) * In her defence, without me asking (since I wouldn't be comfortable telling her who and who not to be friends with) she has turned down a couple of invites to go out since, and has removed the two main instigators from social media, which is enough for me. * Some people were confused on the ages too, everyone is late 20s to mid 30s. * I'm not going to divorce her, so you can stop wasting time suggesting that. So yeah. Boring update, I know. But everything is fine. tl;dr: Someone saw a Minecraft video with the original post. Showed my wife. Opened up further discussion. Everything worked out. Will continue working out. We've moved past it. **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

AITAH for 'outing' my wife's asexuality after she just let her friends gang up on me?

CONCLUDED

FlagpoleSitta87

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18d3jfo/aitah_for_outing_my_wifes_asexuality_after_she/

18dajxg

**I am NOT the original poster. OP is** u/Aksannyi Originally posted to r/crochet. Reprinted with permission by u/Aksannyi. Trigger Warnings: >!Death of grandparents!< Mood Spoiler ->!Bittersweet story with positive, wholesome ending!< I added a few extra paragraphs for readability \--- **The 30 year blanket. (long post/story time but I promise it's worth it)** [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/crochet/comments/14ujuf5/the_30_year_blanket_long_poststory_time_but_i/) dated July 8, 2023 So, a bit of background: My grandma passed in October of 1993. When she died, I inherited all of her yarn, crochet hooks, books, patterns, etc., including the things she wasn’t finished making. Nana was going to teach me how to crochet, but it was something we never got around to. I took the books and followed the stitch guides and soon enough, I was making things. One of the things she left unfinished was a blanket, and she was probably about 20% of the way finished with it. When I first started crocheting, I just used the yarn without a second thought. I was 12 and I couldn’t just go to the store to buy more yarn on a whim, so that was all I had available. But the unfinished blanket sat in my closet for years, literally 30 years. I never told anyone in my family that I still have it. I always told myself I’d finish it some day. But someday became some other day became some other year and here we are 30 years along. But I finally decided this year: I’m gonna finish this blanket. The 30 year milestone seems as good a time as any, I guess. And it's always kind of been there in the back of my mind whenever I picked a project to work on. Like maybe I should stop procrastinating and just do it already. How many of you can say you've procrastinated something for 30 years? 0/10, do not recommend. So I went to Joann's with one of the squares and painstakingly matched colors from 30 years ago. I was remarkably successful in finding colors to match - in fact, there's only one that is noticeable to me, and it's barely off. I figured it'd be hard to pick out any color that doesn't match exactly unless you were looking for it, and maybe not even then. And I know what color that is and have trouble seeing it, so I think I was successful. But I think that was always part of the fear in working on it: would I be able to find the colors? But it was almost entirely unfounded, and I'm glad for it. So anyway. Here it is. I nicknamed this one "Nana's" afghan in my project tracker and it really is. I don't think of it as mine. These aren't the colors I'd have chosen - though they are pretty - and I probably wouldn't have chosen this pattern, either. But she had, and it was time to see it through. The only thing I have to do now is decide who to give it to: my grandfather or my mom. Here she be! [Overall view of blanket](https://preview.redd.it/igmd9yse0uab1.png?width=512&format=png&auto=webp&s=f3d2631ffb0ba6b292aac0b3e5b9ca207268f93d) Closer detail of the pattern: [Closeup of blanket](https://preview.redd.it/au3oruag0uab1.png?width=530&format=png&auto=webp&s=76c31a08b7e429a14140352725ef0246cd69f498) \--- **The 30 year blanket (update)** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/crochet/comments/18238qg/the_30_year_blanket_update/) dated November 23, 2023, about 4 1/2 months later Some of you may remember a post I made a few months ago about an afghan I finished for my grandmother, who passed 30 years ago while working on it. (Here's the post, if you'd like a refresher: [https://www.reddit.com/r/crochet/comments/14ujuf5/the\_30\_year\_blanket\_long\_poststory\_time\_but\_i/](https://www.reddit.com/r/crochet/comments/14ujuf5/the_30_year_blanket_long_poststory_time_but_i/)) I mentioned how I wasn't sure if I wanted to give it to my mom or to my grandfather. I ended up sending it up to my mom's house, but addressed to my grandfather because I wanted both of them to see it. My mom got the package and took it over to his house, and he opened it - and (I'm assuming) read the note explaining its significance. He loved it. He called me right away and we talked about how we couldn't believe it had been 30 years. "30 frickin years," he'd said. And he told me he put it upstairs, on her bed, to put it back "where it belongs." So I got to give it to both of my grandparents, sort of. Every time I called over the past few years he's wondered when I'd come up to see him, and I told him I didn't know when I'd make it up, but I'd do my best when I had time. (For a lot of reasons I don't want to get into, I don't like going up there. It's nothing to do with him, but I avoid traveling to that area if I don't absolutely need to.) About 2 months ago I got the call from my mom that my grandfather was told that there was nothing more his docs could do for him, as he'd been battling a host of late-life illnesses. I dropped everything and flew up north to see him that weekend. It was hard to see him like that, because it's not how I remembered him, but he was so happy to see me and we got to say goodbye. He passed about a month later, and again I flew up for the weekend to be at the funeral. But I'm so, so glad I finished the afghan before that happened. I am so glad he got to see it, to love it, before it was too late. And while I probably would have finished it (eventually), I would have always regretted if I hadn't done so before he died. I know this is a depressing update, but in a way it's not, because everything happened the way it needed to. It's not much, but that small bit of closure has brought me a lot of comfort. \--- **Reminder - I am NOT the original poster. OP is** u/Aksannyi

Nana's Afghan -- the saga of the 30-year-old Blanket

CONCLUDED

Puzzled_Tinkerer

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18dajxg/nanas_afghan_the_saga_of_the_30yearold_blanket/

18df7iv

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/throwRAflorafauna **Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole and r/TwoHotTakes **AITA for not letting my MIL and FIL help me with the baby after their reaction to me being injured?** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional abuse, mentions of PPD and past abuse, negligence, hospitalization!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/176fanj/aita_for_not_letting_my_mil_and_fil_help_me_with/?share_id=Iyg0-KsXK2b0ViW8FBbTQ&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Oct 12, 2023** I (21f) have a 7 month old son with my boyfriend. My family lives abroad and are coming over to stay and help at Christmas time. For now, my MIL and FIL (60s-Debra and Bob) are helping me with household stuff and the baby. So far, we haven’t had any real issues and they’ve been a massive help. About 3 weeks ago, I fell down the stairs. I wasn’t holding the baby and the baby was safe. However, instead of helping me, Debra and Bob both jumped to comfort the baby who was crying… and left me at the bottom of the stairs. My legs were fine, but I was wobbly because of shock and asked one of them to help me up. After nearly 10 whole minutes of being ignored, I managed to stand up on my own and hobble through to the living room. I sit down and Debra says ‘what’s happened to you? Are you ok?’. I’ll admit, I saw red. I just said 'I fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me calling you for help?' Debra's eyes widened and she said she was too busy fussing over the baby. After an hour, my arm was swelling up and I was taken to hospital. Luckily, it was nothing serious and recovery time would be quick. After my boyfriend got home and his parents left, I told him I no longer want their help after today's events. I can manage on my own, even though it'll be hard. He was taken aback and said they've done a lot for us. I said I appreciated it all but they ignored me crying and calling them for 10 minutes after I fell down the stairs. They don't care about me, only the baby and I was embarassed I didn't see it sooner. He called his parents to let them know we won't need their help anymore and his dad said 'is it about today? we really didn't hear her.' My boyfriend just told them they're invited to sunday roast this week and that's all. I could tell he was not happy about my decision but he said he went along with it because I'm the mother. Fast forward to Sunday and my BIL and SIL are guests as well. SIL has a 3 year old and is totally on my side but BIL is not. He told me to 'be grateful' for his parent's support as they're significantly more well-off than my parents are and paid for many newborn/infant expenses and plan to pay for many more as the baby grows. Since then, Debra keeps calling asking if we need any help and says she feels awful not seeing 'the both of you' and that she misses the baby. AITA for not wanting them helping me in my day to day life? EDIT: Was the baby crying loudly enough that there is a possibility they didn’t hear you? No way. The baby stopped crying after 10 seconds and the stairs are like 2 meters from the living room. There is absolutely zero way they couldn't have heard me 1- scream as I fell 2- the general noise of someone falling, including books falling and wall plates breaking 3- me crying and shouting for help I fell at the top of the stairs and fell all the way down. This wasn't a missed step and a bum shuffle down that hurt my pelvic bone. I fully fell down the stairs and cracked the banister. No way they didn't' hear. The baby also started crying AFTER the initial smack after I hit the ground. **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **mfruitfly:** NTA. You are the only one who knows the layout of your home, the timeframe of the crying and the noise, and how everyone reacted. I can't imagine that upon hearing thumps and screams, they would rush to a baby- who is fine- and for the next 10 minutes they didn't bother to call out for you or to investigate where the noise came from. While they may not have intentionally ignored you, they displayed a lack of care for you, and weirdly for themselves. If I hear a big noise, I'm looking around, and I'm certainly yelling out for anyone else who would be home, both to make sure they are okay but also to make sure we aren't being robbed or something is wrong. My dad drops a pot on the floor once a day and we still all yell "YOU OKAY" even though we know exactly what the man did. And you know what, it doesn't matter if they want to help, or if they have given you a ton of money and stuff. You aren't going no contact with them and you aren't keeping them from the baby, you just don't want them around every day. Your feelings are hurt and you don't want to rely on them in the same way. I might agree with your BIL if you were fully not speaking to them, but you are just scaling back their involvement, and that's fine. >**OP:** Thank you. You worded my feelings on the situation perfectly. Maybe it's my mum senses, but I heard my boyfriend drop a shoe once and I called up to him to make sure he was ok. I genuinely cannot fathom how you don't hear all the noise-- or even check where the mother is. **DoubleDragonsAllDown:** What strange behavior on their part! INFO Have there been signs that they hate you, or are deranged? >**OP:** There have been instances where they've 'forgotten' what I've asked them. For example, I asked Bob (FIL) for some cans of soup, pasta, etc just so long as he didn't get this one brand of mac of cheese as it makes me gag. And he returned with... the mac and cheese. It even said on the list 'NO MAC AND CHEESE. I WILL THROW UP' &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/188dvu4/update_aita_for_not_letting_my_mil_and_fil_help/?share_id=lYsB8vgOEQA21FRMvvu9J&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 1, 2023** Hiya! I saw Morgan had read my post on an episode and I have an update! It's such good timing because I just discovered the podcast organically and decided to watch some 'older' episodes and came across my story. I can't link to the original due to this subs rules but check my page :) --- A few more weeks went by of selective visits from my ILs. I read a lot of comments speculating on why they didn’t hear me/check on me but ultimately, I needed my space. Regardless of the reason, they didn’t seem like responsible babysitters. I want to make it clear that I NEVER intended to go NC or even LC. I just didn't feel comfortable with them helping out. That seemed to be a point of contention in my original. They became increasingly more ‘worried’ about the baby and I turned to my SIL (Fiona-30s) for advice as I felt she was the only one who understood me. She told me that when her daughter was an infant, the ILs were pretty hands on, too but only with the baby. It was like she wasn’t there. She told me a story where she straight up went and stood in the garden for 30 minutes and they didn’t notice she had gone. They were only there for the baby. She said that we were ‘luckier’ because they paid for some post-partum stuff for me but for Fiona, it was just stuff for the baby, which was accepted and she was grateful but she was completely ignored by them. She said by her daughter’s 3rd birthday, they started to taper off, mainly because my son was born. She is still mostly ignored by them, though. Things started to click. It became clear that they just want a baby to fuss over and the mother doesn’t really matter to them. It didn’t truly explain the logistics of their reaction to my accident but a lot of things have made sense. I told my boyfriend and we had a big discussion about boundaries. Fiona also asked to come along for moral support and to speak her peace. My boyfriend always had a hard time saying ‘no’ to people and keeping boundaries but we’ve agreed to fully commit. We invited the ILs over to discuss some stuff. I told them that I felt confused and upset by their reaction. I explained what Fiona had told me and how it's not ok for them to ignore the mothers and they shouldn't do it to my other BIL's girlfriend if they decide to have kids. Fiona also said her peace and stuck up for me when MIL/FIL tried to interrupt or twist the truth. MIL was clearly very uncomfortable and kept trying to interject with her side whilst we were talking but she eventually listened to us. She told us her side; apparently, she was neglected by FIL's side of the family and that they hated her for being poor (FIL is old money, MIL grew up in a pit village). She also said she grew up with 5 younger brothers and took care of them all and never learnt how to communicate with other women as she never got a good education or had friends because she was a caretaker. Obviously, I was extremely sympathetic to all this. My boyfriend had briefly mentioned that MIL was abused by her own parents but never went into detail. I then asked then both about the stair incident. MIL said she 'didn't care about it' in the moment and assumed I'd be fine because if I was crying, I was alive. I was taken aback by her response. It honestly took everything in me not to storm off. My boyfriend told her that that was a callous answer and not all problems (specifically medical) are immediately present and how I still had to go to hospital afterwards due to an injury. FIL stopped him and said they thought the baby had fell out the crib/crib had fallen over which is why they went to him after he started crying. I said I understood that but it would take maybe 10 seconds to check and see he was ok. What were they doing for the other 10 minutes? Unfortunately, we didn't really get anywhere regarding the stairs incident. They both believe they didn't do much wrong as 'most mothers don't have a support system like us'. I told them that I am not comfortable with them taking care of the baby if they can't understand why what they did was upsetting and wrong. On the positive side... I guess I now understand MIL's motivations a bit more? It explains a lot about her character. We're not going NC or LC at all and they can still come over for visits but I've told my boyfriend he also needs to be there as they seem to listen to him and not me. So that's the update. Thank you for reading and thank you Morgan for reading my post and giving advice :) EDIT: I'm logging off. But before I go I just want to say that I have no issue with standing up for myself. There's a LOT of nuance and personal details I left out but we have our reasons for not going LC/NC with MIL and FIL. People seem to think that because I have the capability to understand and empathise with my MIL's past abuse that I'm letting it slide. I am not. I simply said it explains her better. I don't really know what I expected. I thought this sub's users would be different from most other subs because of how nice the comments are on Youtube. Guess I was wrong. Won't be coming back here lol &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for not letting my MIL and FIL help me with the baby after their reaction to me being injured?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df7iv/aita_for_not_letting_my_mil_and_fil_help_me_with/

18df84o

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/No_Lynx3857 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITA for “humiliating” my husband?** Trigger Warnings: >!adult bed-wetting!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/187stnm/aita_for_humiliating_my_husband/?share_id=aPaGH6CGCv_z3UB5Hfoyl&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 30, 2023** Reposting here as it was removed from AITA due to mentioning of violence. I was (28F) woken up this morning because the sheets I was lying on were wet. I assumed our child (6F) had had an accident, but when I checked where the wetness came from it, to my surprise, turned out it wasn’t her but my husband that had wet the bed. After I had taken a shower I woke him up and told him he’d wet the bed. At first he denied it, then I guess he realised he indeed had as he got this mortified look on his face, jumped right out of bed and started to try rip the bedding off. As we have pull-on sheets and our child was sleeping on the other side he didn’t get them off. It looked stupid and honestly quite funny so I chuckled. He angrily told me it wasn’t funny so I stopped. At that point the only thing his pulling of the sheets had accomplished was to wake up our child, who was confused and asked what was going on. He didn’t say shit, just idiotically continued to try get the sheets off. So when he didn’t reply I just told her he’d wet the bed. At that he just froze and looked at me with this weird look on his face, almost like he was about to cry or something. Our child asked why he’d wet the bed, and as he still was completely silent I went something along the line of that sometimes accidents happens. He just stood there staring at me. If looks could kill I would be dead, and I’m not exaggerating when I say he looked at me with pure hate. I’ve never been afraid of him, but for a second or two I thought he might hit me. Then he just dropped the things he’d managed to get off the bed on the floor, left the room and locked himself in the bathroom for about 45 minutes. When he came out he got dressed in a hurry and just left with saying “you can take her to school”. He didn’t even look at me. His behaviour really annoyed me but I just let him be as I didn’t want to argue with him when he was in such a bad mood. When I got home from work he was still sulking, and basically ignored me. I was still annoyed with him from the morning so his behaviour annoyed me even more. So I told him to get over it, that it wasn’t the end of the world that he wet the bed, and to stop taking it out on me. At that he accused me of having humiliated him when I told our child. I found that utterly ridiculous on so many levels, so I angrily told him that he humiliated himself when he fucking wet the bed - not me. He didn’t take that too well, and said “fuck you” and went off to his computer, and now he refuses to talk to me. And I just feel confused. I think he’s the one that behaved poorly and immature and that I haven’t done anything wrong - the last thing I said may have been harsh but I feel like he had it coming. Yet I feel like perhaps I was mean to him? AITA? EDIT: I just want to clarify that I did NOT tell our child to be mean or to humiliate my husband. I told her because I didn’t know what else to say, and as it was quite obvious what had happened I thought it was just best to be honest. I didn’t tell her in any humiliating way, just as a matter of fact without doing a big thing about it. I didn’t think my husband would feel that bad about it. EDIT2: For some reason someone has posted a link to a post claiming it is mine. It is not, and it has nothing to do with my husband or me. My husband do not have cancer! **AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the comments, OOP was voted YTA** &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **FlounderSolid2659:** YTA Probably wasn’t the best option to tell your child he wet the bed. You could have said you spilled some water or just distracted her with something else. But it’s really not that big of a deal. That said, you could clearly tell that it embarrassed your husband. Knowing that he was not feeling the best, you should have given him a little grace for being a little short in what he was saying and the fact that he was not acting super bubbly. Him being embarrassed and not wanting to talk is not an attack on you. It’s not about you. Anger and embarrassment are both completely valid emotions, so unless he is being rude to you, you have to be okay letting people process things and not taking it personally. But then you told him to get over it and said “you humiliated yourself by wetting the bed”!!! Total douchebag move. For real. This could have been handled so much better. >**OP:** He was being rude to me. He was rude when he looked at me like he was going to hit me. He was rude when he told me (not asked) to take our child to school even though he was supposed to. He was rude when he left me to clean up after him. But I let that be as he was upset. > >He could have told me that he was angry/disappointed/felt humiliated by me when I got home, but he didn’t. Instead he chose to say nothing, and ignored me, which is rude behaviour and it pissed me off. > >But yes, the last thing I said was mean, and I do regret saying that as that is not even what I think. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/188m4ld/update_aita_for_humiliating_my_husband/?share_id=ADnQCJludHaJWEpoqS0S6&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 1, 2023** Thanks to everyone that made me see the situation from my husband’s side and made me realise I’m an AH (or worse). [Original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/187stnm/aita_for_humiliating_my_husband/?share_id=aPaGH6CGCv_z3UB5Hfoyl&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) I re-read my original post, and there are some things I would like to elaborate on before I come to the update. I did feel empathy and I did care about my husband. I was gentle when I told him after I’d woken him up. However, his reaction caught me off guard, and the time from when he got up from bed until he’d locked himself in the bathroom couldn’t have been more than a minute. After that I felt it was best to leave him alone. I know I was an AH for telling our child, but I didn’t do it to be mean or humiliate him, it was a stupid wrongful decision. I regret it. Further, it’s not easy to show someone that you care when you’re being ignored. I did text him after he left and asked if he was ok, but he left it on read. I asked him again when I got home but he didn’t answer. I asked him if we could talk about it – no answer. I asked him if he could at least tell me why he was so mad at me – no answer. I gave up and went to make dinner. After dinner I asked him if he could stop ignoring me – no answer. I asked him if he wanted me to leave to which he replies, “you can stay, I don’t care”. So I ask him again if he will stop ignoring me if I stay, and when he says no is when I had it. And while I don’t think ignoring someone like that is OK, I know I handled it really bad. And I do feel awful for being outright mean to him. Anyway, I texted him early this morning to say that I was so sorry and asked if he was willing to talk after work so that I could apologise. He texted me back an ok around noon. We met up at home, and he understandably was cold to me when we met, didn’t say much. I apologised for everything, for laughing, for telling our child, for telling him to get over it, and for the part that I’m most ashamed of that I told him he humiliated himself. He was just silent the whole time and when I was done, he just asked why I told our child. I explained and after that we just sat in silence in what felt like forever. Then right out of nowhere he went something like “I scared you, right?”, and I told him that briefly he did. He said he could feel that. I asked what made him react so strong, but he didn’t know, just said that he panicked when he realised he’d wet the bed, that it got even worse when I told our child, and that he just got so fucking angry with me for it. I apologised again for making him feel that way. He apologised for making me scared. I’m not going to go through all that we said after that, it was a long talk, but in conclusion none of us is happy with how we acted and we have both apologised for it. He wasn’t that bugged about me laughing, but we both agreed that I shouldn’t have told our child. However he’s no longer mad about it and doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. We both think he shouldn’t have ignored me like that, and that I handled it poorly and was mean. We have both accepted each other’s apologies, but I still feel bad for being so mean to him. But all in all, we are on good terms now. &nbsp; **REVELANT COMMENTS** **Osgiliath:** Wow I just read your original post. You really are an asshole and seemed oblivious to it. The way you talked about it really triggered me. I’ve experienced people like you, even dated one, where it seems like you can’t empathize with someone who might react emotionally to things differently than you, and then when someone has the audacity to give you the mental angst of considering whether you did something hurtful, you go even harder trying to put them in their place almost like it’s some kind of defense mechanism to protect your ego. And the way you were talking to and about your husband also sounded abusive. >**OP:** Yes I really fucked up in this situation, and I was oblivious to it. > >I wouldn’t say that I normally have a hard time emphasising with people, but in this case I clearly did. I wasn’t expecting him to react so strongly, and it completely caught me off guard as I said. I’ve been with him for nine years and I usually know pretty well how he will react, what makes him upset and what doesn’t. But now I just got it all wrong. And I’m not at all happy about it. **Away-Enthusiasm4853:** As someone who remembers fights like this from my childhood, have either of you talked to your daughter? >**OP:** I have. We talked about it in the morning as she thought he was behaving strange when he just left. Again when I put her to bed yesterday and some in between. > >I don’t know if he has. He did sleep in her room together with her last night but when he went to bed she was already asleep. Otherwise I don’t think they interacted that much yesterday. Not that he ignored her or were rude to her at all, but I think that she could sense that he was in a bad mood and stayed away. > >To night she’s at my parents house, as I thought it would be good for us to talk without her, and for her to not have to deal with our shit. I feel so bad for her having to be caught up in this. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for “humiliating” my husband?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df84o/aita_for_humiliating_my_husband/

18df8e6

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRA-192 **Ex fiancee [32F] of 8+ years broke up with me [32M] via text message ~3 years ago, and disappeared. Now is trying to rejoin our circle of mutual friends, and i am struggling with it extremely hard.** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional abuse and manipulation, abandonment, severe depression!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/GGoeQCUOIP)  **Apr 6, 2020** Me and a girl who i will just call Jessica, were a couple for 8+ years and engaged for 3+ of them. I met her through a mutual friend in my group of friends. We ended up hitting it off pretty quickly as our dorky/nerdy hobbies aligned really well. I personally fully expected to marry this person, and spend the rest of my life with her. In early 2016 her job offered her an amazing opportunity to temporarily work 4 months in the companies satellite office New Zealand (she was an Environmental Engineer), to temporarily manage and lead a new team. It was very sudden, and i was not really happy with the idea, but she really wanted this chance and opportunity. So off she went. I flew out to visit her after ~2 months, only when i arrived at the airport i got a text message from her. The message was short and more or less consisted of "she was sorry but after thinking it through, she thinks it would be best if we went our separate ways from now on". She then completely blocked me on almost every single form of social media, cell phone, etc. I was confused, devastated and became an absolute wreck. I remember completely breaking down in Auckland Airport. I spent the next 4 days living at a motel basically trying to get into contact with her in any shape or form. She had apparently blocked everyone of our circle of friends. Even her close friends from our circle of friends were shocked, confused and basically lost. Even her parents were extremely confused when i called them, her dad who i was extremely close with (we coached pee-wee hockey together, and played a lot of beer league for hockey together), refused to believe it at first. I was a mess for a solid year, but my close circle of friends managed to drag me out of my hellish hole along with some therapy. Her best friends became close friends to me. About a year ago, she invited some of her old close friends to her wedding among a bunch of other people from our group. No one went, and i quickly found out which hurt me even more. Over a year ago i started dating one of her old friends, as me and her had gotten close over the last 2 years or so. She felt quite hurt when Jessica basically ghosted her. Unfortunately there was some awkwardness because she fully knew i was not fully over my ex, but she has been a supportive and amazing person and i am extremely happy with her. Life was going great for me. Then in December Jessica apparently moved back home after divorcing a few months after getting married. I don't know much and i don't want to know. However she is making this hugely concentrated effort to reconnect with people in our friend group, which is resulting in some very conflicted feelings for some people. Last week i found out that Jessica and some of my friends have started playing D&D (via roll20), which frankly made me feel like shit. Part of my just wants to move on from this but i am struggling hard. While my SO has been extremely supportive, i just feel numb and dont really know what to do. Today Jessica sent me a long facebook message basically apologizing to me for what she did, and asked to be friends. I didn't respond and blocked her. I told my SO, and i just felt like i was going to break down. Right now my SO is saying she is worried about me, and keeps asking me what do i want to do. My SO confessed that Jessica had sent her a similar message a few weeks ago, and she told her off. I don't know what i am supposed to do, i can't order my friends to not be friends with her. I just feel like a mess and i am struggling with this as i feel like i am teenager dealing with stupid drama again. TLDR; EX Fiancee of 8+ years dumped me via text message after i flew across the world to see her. Now she is trying to reconnect with everyone and i am struggling very hard with this. What should i do? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/3CgckZCorG)  **Apr 14, 2020** Thank you all for your wonderful support, anyways i have tried my best to follow everyone's advice. I sat down with my SO and explained to her how awesome she, is and explained how i don't have any romantic feelings for my ex at all, all i really have is a lot of painful and hurtful memories. I also asked her what should i do, and she suggested i respond and tell her off, to get closure of some degree. So i did that, i told her: * I don't want to be friends anymore * I want nothing to do with her * I explained how badly she hurt me * I am happy right now and i just want her to leave me and my friends alone She took it well, apologized one more time and then basically said "goodbye forever". That was honestly a huge load off my shoulders. I then went and told our group of friends, and explained how much she hurt me, and how i would rather we not start adding her to our gaming sessions etc. Unfortunately i ended up losing a bunch of friends and have irreparably caused a lot of damage to our friends group. Many of them sided with me, but a bunch of them took the stance of "You have no right to tell me who i can be friends with" among other complaints. A few people were very angry, and told me i am being a terrible person as my EX is trying to repent, and deal with pain of her divorce. It was confusing and frankly just made everything more of a mess. In the end, a bunch of us ended up getting booted out of our FF14 free company, which then my SO ended up kicking out of bunch of people from our discord. I don't really know what is going to happen.  But it really hurt to see some people i have known for years, and even helped me get through it the first time suddenly take her side. TLDR; Told my ex off, explained to people in our group of friends how she hurt me, it ended up breaking our circle of friends. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Ex fiancee [32F] of 8+ years broke up with me [32M] via text message ~3 years ago, and disappeared. Now is trying to rejoin our circle of mutual friends, and i am struggling with it extremely hard.

INCONCLUSIVE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df8e6/ex_fiancee_32f_of_8_years_broke_up_with_me_32m/

18df8zr

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Fearless_Neat_6654 **AITA for refusing to be my friend’s alibi so he can cheat on his GF?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, bullying!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/LO1y4Aa62F) **Nov 28, 2023** **Throwaway** I (M21) have known my friend Matt (M21) since we started college. We're in the same program and have been roommates since day 1. Overall, I'd say Matt is a great guy; however, he has a terrible tendency to cheat. Throughout college, I think Matt had 5-7 different girlfriends, and each of those relationships ended because he would cheat. Back in January, he started dating his current girlfriend (Jen F21) and has been with her far longer than any of the previous relationships. From my interactions with Jen, I know she's a wonderful person. She's very polite, beautiful, and clearly devoted to Matt. For the past few weeks, Matt has also developed a close relationship with his anatomy lab partner (Cindy F21). It's become pretty clear to me and my other housemates (Kyle M21, Robert M22, Omar M20) that there is some romantic relationship between them. We’ve even all met Cindy as she came by our house a few times. Long story short, Matt has told me and the other guys that things between him and Cindy are moving fairly quickly and that Jen is completely in the dark about this. He told us that, for the foreseeable future, he'll be spending a few nights hanging out at Cindy's place. Here's the issue: Jen and her roommates don't live that far from us (about a 7-minute walk). So there's a good chance she'll come by looking for him, according to Matt. Therefore, he wants us all to make excuses for his absences and potentially reassure Jen that he isn't up to anything bad. Kyle and Robert are fully on board with this, as they consider it the "bro code." Omar is fully against this, and while he has not said he'd tell Jen, he has refused to lie for Matt and has been urging him to end things with Cindy. I would say I'm more neutral. I don't think what Matt's doing is appropriate, but I don't think it's my place to tell Matt how to manage his relationships. I told him that while I wouldn't seek Jen out and tell her what's going on, I wouldn't lie to her either about where he is and instead say “I don't know”. We all argued about this for a while, and the general gist of things is that Kyle, Robert, and Matt all think I'm being a bit of an ass for not being more cooperative. Aside from this, I don't think there is really much I can do. Moving to somewhere else is both economically and logistically unfeasible so I think trying to avoid stirring the pot is my best bet AITA? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ALKMMN2c00) **Nov 30, 2023** I’ll start this update by saying Jen found out last night. Like Matt predicted, she came over to our house Tuesday evening. I saw her pretty quickly since I was also coming back from buying some food. She asked me if I knew where Matt was, and I said I didn’t know (because I genuinely didn’t know at the time). She mentioned how he wasn’t responding to her texts and that she was worried about him, and I felt pretty bad hearing that. Kyle who were inside, came out at this point and said that Matt was in his anatomy lab and then reassured her that he’d contact her once he was finished. She didn’t seem entirely satisfied with that answer but thanked us anyway and left. Once she was gone, Kyle told me that Matt was actually on a date with Cindy. Since Matt sometimes brings Cindy over, he’ll text the house group chat before they come over to ensure that Jen isn’t around. He did this on Tuesday night, and Kyle did alert him that Jen had stopped by looking for him, so he stayed over with Cindy on Tuesday night. Wednesday evening, only Omar and I are home. Kyle was with his own GF, and Robert had an exam. Around 7 pm, we got a text on the group chat from Matt saying he plans on bringing Cindy over around 8:30, and he asked if Jen came by. I told him that I hadn’t seen her, and things went on as usual. I’ll add that Omar has refused to respond to these specific text messages from Matt, so there was an expectation on me to clarify if Jen was here or not. A little after 8 pm, Jen comes by with one of her friends (Carlie F21). They asked us where Matt was since Jen hadn’t been seeing him a lot lately. Before I could even say anything, Omar told them to come back after 8:30, and Matt should be home. They left, and I did argue with Omar about his decision to tell them to come back since it was inevitably going to cause drama, but he didn’t care. I did text Matt and told him about Jen potentially returning, but since he was driving, he didn’t read the message. At this stage, I gave up trying to contact Matt and went up to my room. A little after 8:30, Matt walked in with Cindy, and not that long afterward, Jen and Carlie returned (Omar let them in). Long story short, there was a lot of Jen yelling and Matt lying and apologizing. I didn’t bother coming down since I could hear it all from my room. After about 10 min of this, Jen and Carlie left. Matt sent Cindy home after this and was pretty pissed at what happened. I reminded him that I sent text messages (which he now saw), and Omar played dumb, acting like he didn’t see Matt’s message about him asking if Jen was home but confirmed to him that he told Jen to come back after the first time she came because “He didn’t think Matt was dumb enough to go out with Cindy two nights back to back.” Robert and Kyle came home after this point and I filled them in with what happened. There was definitely some tension in the house this morning as Matt thinks this all could have been avoided had Omar been more helpful. He also partially blames Cindy for wanting to come over so often. Overall, Matt doesn’t really seem to care that Jen found out and broke things off with him. He said that he’ll try apologizing one more time (as he does prefer Jen to Cindy) and if she doesn’t accept, he’ll leave things as they are. As for Cindy, Matt has already told Kyle, Robert, and me this morning that he plans on ending things with her after the December exam season. He says that he wants to be single again by New Year’s so he can have a fresh start. Kyle and Robert think this is pretty hilarious considering how much trouble he got into to be with her. Things have ended more smoothly then I thought and I have made it abundantly to Matt to keep me out of his relationship woes. I have also asked Carlie how Jen was holding up this morning as we share a class together. As expected Jen was very upset about the entire ordeal and she and her friends consider everyone at our house aside from Omar to be complicit and awful. **Quick Update** \- Kyle texted the group chat, his GF knows and she isn't happy. [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/brQh3E68BJ) **Dec 1, 2023** 2nd UPDATE - AITA for refusing to be my friend's alibi so he can cheat on his GF? I've been receiving a lot of DMs from people wondering how things turned out after the big reveal, so here's a quick recap: 1. Jen did not accept Matt's apology. She has indicated that she, in fact, never wants to see him again. 2. Matt is still with Cindy, and he still plans on breaking up with her after exam season. According to him, Cindy is starting to feel pretty secure now that Matt is no longer with Jen and has expressed her desire to form a serious relationship with him. While he does feel a bit guilty, he thinks it's best for both of them that he ends things with her before New Year’s. 3. Despite “feeling guilty” Matt has attempted to reactivate his Tinder account, but Kyle made him take it down. Kyle thinks it's too soon for Matt to do this since someone we know is bound to see him there, and according to Kyle, Matt needs to play up the angle that he's heartbroken about falling out with Jen. 4. Kyle has smoothed things over with his girlfriend by claiming he had no idea Matt was cheating. Robert backed him up on this and expressed that "nobody aside from Matt knew." 5. While I did plan on telling Carlie the truth about what was going on, considering how quickly Matt, Kyle, and Robert have been moving I opted against this. Instead, I've told Carlie that I also did not know about Matt's cheating. Yes, it's a lie, but since I was against Matt cheating, I don't think it's fair for me to go down with the ship, considering that both Kyle and Robert are getting off relatively scot-free. Apparently, I was convincing enough as Carlie told me that while she herself doesn't think I'm so bad, Jen will need time to process what went down, so it's best to give her space. Again, I get it isn’t the most appropriate measure, but I really don’t think I deserve to be in the splash zone. 6. Omar has expressed his strong disappointment in all of us but at this stage his voice has become ambient noise according to Kyle. Since I’m fortunately visiting my parents this weekend, I get to be away from the drama and hopefully any potential fallout. Also, since its relatively earlier we'll have to wait and see if anything else happens. But I hope (pray) the worst is over. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for refusing to be my friend’s alibi so he can cheat on his GF?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df8zr/aita_for_refusing_to_be_my_friends_alibi_so_he/

18dfftk

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [throwaway203546](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway203546/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. **Mood Spoiler:** >!main issue is resolved, but questions still remain!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11b5ufp/comment/j9w2ylw/) **(recovered in comments): February 24, 2023** (Ages & names will be changed for privacy sake.) I, 21F, and my husband, 22M, James, have a beautiful daughter, 1y, and another child on the way. For context, my family and I live with James’ family (mom, Justine 43, brother, Liam 19, and grandmother, Kris 59), after we had some major financial struggles back in 2022. They offered for us to live with them, to help us build our money back up and also help us raise our two children. We took the offer, and since then, everything has been very amazing since we moved in. Liam has a girlfriend, Laura 18, and since she found out we were having our second child, has been very overbearing. We’ve had many issues in the past when it comes to her and our first child, and now, James and I are anticipating that it’ll be that way again. I understand the excitement of a new baby, but the way she shows it… I’ll be the first to say, is a little stalker-ish/weird. She constantly messages me with one of the following: wanting bump photos to show random people I do NOT know (her teachers, friends, etc), updates on how many days till my planned c-section, or asking me intimate details about DR appointments (many of which I never told her about). In person, she will talk to my stomach, saying “auntie’s baby”, “my gorgeous little baby”, or something similar. When we told everyone that we weren’t doing a gender reveal/baby shower, she was the most upset over the entire thing, saying that “she wanted to plan it” and that “she was so excited to have people together”. Recently, Laura and I had an argument that led in a fallout between everyone. The event that caused this, was when Laura forced my daughter to come with her from Justine’s room (when my daughter wanted to stay with her nana) and my daughter had a breath-holding spell (started because she was forced to do something she didn’t want to), leading to Laura holding her in a hug and blowing in her face to try and get her to breathe. My daughter didn’t breathe for over 15 seconds, and the reason myself and James were so upset was because Laura refused to bring my daughter to me like I asked; Laura claimed she wanted to “show my daughter that she was kind” and that “auntie cares about HER baby”, which this was absolutely not how to attempt that. Like I said, this led to an argument that caused me to tell Laura to get the f- out, and to stop using our children as her little “surrogate babies”, as she has no kids of her own. Liam and Justine are upset with me and James for “overreacting”, on top of some members of her family messaging me to say that I am an a-hole for treating her the way I did. Kris is 100% supportive of what I did and says she would have done the same thing if she was in my position. I have not spoken to her since the incident, and we both are trying to figure out a way to address this. AITA for this? Any opinions or advice would be very much appreciated. ***Relevant Comments:*** "We have had a lot of boundary problems with her, and we have expressed to her multiple times about following them, but that lasts like 2 seconds before she goes back to being disrespectful. And because it isn’t our house, we can’t tell her to never come around anymore, you know? It’s just an all around garbage situation." *Is there any chance she's neurodivergent and not understanding boundaries?* "I know that she has said she has bipolar disorder and ADHD (but decides to never take her medicine), but I’m unsure about if she has anything else!" *More on the breathing incident:* "That’s what it seemed like she did, honestly. Reason being is because 3 people were telling her to bring my daughter to me, and she just straight up ignored everyone. When BIL went to get my daughter from her, she got mad about it, which what makes me believe she was in a refusal mode about giving her back" "She hasn’t been back since it happened, but everyone knows that her father and I are her safe place; if she is freaking out, give her back. We just don’t get why she can’t understand that" *WTF is this breath holding thing:* "Doctors call it a “breath-holding spell”, and it’s very common in babies. It stops around two years usually. It’s basically when a baby gets frustrated, upset, scared, or something similar emotion wise, and they don’t know how to really express that emotion very well. They hold their breath; usually with younger babies, you have to blow in their face to make them catch their breath and let out a cry, but some babies need a small poke in the tummy and they will let out a cry." *More on boundaries:* Absolutely! I started teaching my daughter about boundary consent at 7 months old, and she is very expressive even to us (her parents and family) on when she is okay with something (ex: I ask for a hug, kiss, or high-five and she decides which one she would rather do). You are never too young to learn about consent of your own body! :) *Why are you having another child if you can't afford it? Why aren't you working?* "We got pregnant with our second when I was still working, but then my pregnancy became high risk and my doctor advised me that I need to stop working" "We were living in our own place, but I was told to stop working due to the high risk pregnancy. That’s why we moved back in. We got pregnant before everything happened. There isn’t exactly much I can do when I’m 5 months pregnant (at the time) and have a financial situation occur. Husband is still working, and we are building our money, so it’s not like we are just lounging around or living off them free." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/188syaq/update_aita_for_telling_my_sil_to_stop_using_my/)**: December 1, 2023 (9+ months later)** It has been about a year since I made my original post, and after lots of messages asking for an update, I decided to give it a go! Since my original post, it took about a month to two months for us to all talk again, after the incident happened. My brother-in-law had a 3 hour conversation with her before they both came to our house to speak with us, and there was a major difference in her behavior, right off the bat. Not only did she apologize to me and my husband for what happened, but she apologized for everything that she had done within the few years I have known her. We made a group decision to go low contact with her for a little while, and got back into contact with her shortly after we had our second child, and things have been fairly decent since then. However, that is not to say that everything has been great. My husband and I have been making decisions about our lives moving forward when we move into our own place this coming spring. There will be very minimum contact between my husband and his family, which we know will be beneficial for us, our family, our mental healths, etc. It is a lot that I frankly shouldn’t get into, so I can leave it at that. I want to thank everyone for their advice, some genuine and some not so genuine. I know this probably wasn’t the update wanted, but it is what I have to give. Thank you all for listening! ***Relevant Comments:*** *Clarification on baby being dragged out of the room:* "Yes. She was in her grandmother’s room, and my SIL was pulling her out of there by grabbing her arm and pulling her, while my daughter was walking back toward her gm. She wanted to stay with her gm, but SIL was trying to force her out of the room." *A bit more on what happened:* "Grandmother has been on our side the whole time. There has been a lot in between that incident and now that has happened as well, which is why we made the decision to go lc, if not nc, when we leave with everyone, except gm." "With the way things are in the home, we had to basically restart. I won’t say the exact circumstances as to why it happened, but we have had to replace over $4,000 worth of stuff that has been damaged. All of our stuff is currently sitting in a storage unit to avoid further damage, but between that, our car being stolen this past October, my husband going back to school to become an electrician, and many more, it has been hard to get a jump on actually getting moved into a place. For more context: financially, we are being used as a “savings bond” to his mother. Grandmother will try to intervene, but back off bc his mother goes to extremes of causing problems within the home (ex: if gm intervenes, she will take away gm’s ability to use the vehicle they share). For example: I sold my old phone to my MIL, as long as she paid me $75 a month for the total cost of the phone. She paid me once, and has yet to pay me the rest. If I ask about it, she throws a whole fit, tells me how I’m “inconsiderate” of the fact that she has no job, and says she will just go die on the side of a bridge. So, to inevitably answer your question: we have a secret savings account that no one in the house is aware of, except me and husband. We’ve been putting money into it, and have a good chunk in there. The real push will be tax season, as both of us are getting very nice refunds. That + what we have saved is what will be used for us moving out. I apologize for the long explanation, but hopefully a lot of people who think the same will see this and kind of get a better understanding." *SIL is way too young to have kids anyway:* "My SIL back then was trying to actively trick my BIL into having children. Like many stated in comments on my original post, she was probably feeling left out because we had our first at 20 and 21. However, with all that in mind, our decisions of when we had children shouldn’t force her into thinking she HAS to have kids. If she’s going to be influenced that hard (I.e: “baby fever”) that she HAS to have kids, we are not at fault for that." *SIL now:* "She did a lot of growing up, especially after her own sister unexpectedly had a kid. Back then, she didn’t realize what actually comes with having a kid, because she didn’t have hands on experience with babies. She just wanted kids because she was having bad “baby fever”, which got taken to the extreme."

AITA for telling my SIL to stop using my children as her “surrogate babies”?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18dfftk/aita_for_telling_my_sil_to_stop_using_my_children/

18e5yr5

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/throwaway-RatProblem **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH for telling my daughter that she should leave her pet rat at home now my gf has moved in?** Trigger Warnings: >!manipulation, possible parental alienation, animal abuse, implied animal death!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1829fhq/aitah_for_telling_my_daughter_that_she_should/?share_id=Fed3dffEh2kJxvwug7vc2&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 23, 2023** **Edit about the title (her mother’s home) when I realized a word is missing I couldn’t edit it** My (m45) girlfriend (f45) of 2 years and I have moved in together. Everything is great and she gets along very well with my children. At least with my son. I share custody of my two children (m16 and f15) with my ex wife (f40). There is one problem. My gf has phobia for mice, rats, squirrels, in other words rodents. This is something we all know and people laugh about it but it is a serious issue for my gf who can’t even see a picture without staring hyperventilating. My daughter got a rat as a present when she turned 15. She brought it home and my gf freaked out and she apparently left the apartment without even noticing that she didn’t have her shoes or coat on. I got upset with my daughter because she knows my gf’s fear. I told her that she should leave her pet at her mother’s house from now on when she comes here. My daughter got upset and started yelling that my gf is being ridiculous and me too. Her rat wasn’t the problem so it shouldn’t have to be kept at her mom’s and that my gf should move out since she’s the one who has the problem with the rat not the rat with her. I told her that we are family and family makes compromises. Now she is saying if her rat isn’t welcome then neither is she and she’s planning to stay with her mom until her rat is allowed or my gf moved out My ex wife called me to tell me that I’m the AH for choosing my gf. I told her she was the ah for getting my daughter this present. AITAH? # INFO Yeah, well like many here anticipated m. This whole rat thing was planned on purpose and I have to say it makes sense since I never once had the impression that my daughter even liked rats. I was surprised at the birthday party. My gf and I moved in together about 3 weeks ago and the rat showed up about 10 days ago. I know this now because I have tried to text my daughter about other suggestions like a second rat, a dog etc. She has made up her mind. It is her or my gf in the apartment. My son told me all of this. He said that my ex wife and my daughter have been bashing my gf and calling her home wrecker. Anyway my daughter can live with her mother for the time being because “legally speaking” children here can decide which parent they want to live with at her age. The plot twist is that my son expressed desire to move in permanently with me instead and I guess that it is because of all the drama. My son hates conflicts and confrontations. Of course ex wife is now bombarding my phone because she will be believing that I have put my son up to this because my son said that he will start packing a bigger bag today if I agreed to him moving in permanently (he talked about visiting her instead of living there) and I agreed. This is escalating very fast and I don’t seem to have found the breaks to stop the madness. My suggestions made things worse. Thank you for listening. If any 40+ divorced parents have any advice on how to resolve this issue I am all ears. If it is relevant in any way, I didn’t leave my ex, she did. One day she sat me down without forewarning and told me she wasn’t happy anymore and wanted a divorce. Everything went fast afterwards and we were divorced 6 months later. It was never an affair or anything but I think she liked someone but it didn’t work. After a few months she said she regretted it and wanted to reconcile but I didn’t feel right about it and one thing was her finality in her decision but most importantly I wasn’t in love with her anymore. So she suggested us dating again. We were supposed to keep that a secret in case the spark didn’t reignite and we would have built up hope in our kids for nothing but she probably told them anyway. I started dating my now girlfriend around the same time and I fell in love with her. I ended things with my ex. The odd thing is that she cordially accepted my decision. But apparently she hasn’t and I’m reaping what we sowed now. God it felt good to vent about it here. Thanks again, and again, any 40+ divorced parents who would want to talk, hit me up. Absolutely not interested in input from 20 year old with no experience of parenting **AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the comments, it was mixed reactions** &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **doggodada:** That's an intentional move from your ex, and possibly your daughter too. You should consider getting your daughter something that your ex hates or fears, at some point of time >**OP:** Well we have been talking about getting a dog my gf and I for a while now. Maybe it is time. My children can help pick one out but I will be clear that my daughter only can be a part of the process if she lived with us on my weeks like usual and left the damned rat with that wretched hag that started this headache. I think my daughter will agree. She has always wanted a dog but her mother hates them. > >Thank you everyone for the advice. I really appreciate you **worldtriggerfanman:** Take your son. Accept that you will be estranged from your daughter until she wises up. Then try to fix your life by trying to move on and get on with it with your son. >**OP:** I am in a pickle right now. I don’t want my son to be estranged from his morher and definitely not from his sister. What will happen when they don’t get to live together? It is very difficult situation but I can’t make him. He wants to leave his mothers house &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1894kh4/updateaitah_i_told_my_daughter_she_should_leave/?share_id=zxI0b26bTSZW1OdLWVWTy&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 2, 2023** Well, people wanted an update and here it is. My daughter is refusing to talk to me and she has moved in with her mom and said that this is permanent. My son moved in here with me and I can see that he really enjoys it here. I have been blocking my ex-wife’s number for periods at a time because I have been receiving all kind of threats and insults from her saying I have manipulated my son against her. My son is a very quiet boy and he never given me any impression that he’s been having a bad time at his mother. I inly noticed when he moved here and started talking and opening up about how miserable he’s been. The rat, my daughter decided to free him and she and her mom drove to the woods and just let it go. Not expert on rats but that’s the story. My gf and I have decided to get a dog. Maybe that would change my daughter’s mind about not visiting although I must admit that life has been so much easier now when she isn’t around making everyone go on eggshells not to set her off. Both her and her mom refuse therapy Over and out &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH for telling my daughter that she should leave her pet rat at home now my gf has moved in?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18e5yr5/aitah_for_telling_my_daughter_that_she_should/

18e5z47

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/throwrasecretparis **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **My (27F) fiance (27M) secretly went to Paris to see a female friend.** Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, emotional manipulation, possible stalking, mentions of childhood trauma!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post – recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/181o01i/my_27f_fiance_27m_secretly_went_to_paris_to_see_a/) - **Nov 22, 2023** Fake names. Throwaway because my fiance is a big Reddit user. My (27, f) fiance Eric (27, m) has a friend Jane (20s, f) who lives in Paris, France. She had moved by the time we were introducing each other to our friends, so we've only met over video chat. Me and Eric have been together for a year and a half, and before we got together, he and Jane were involved. He told me it ended badly but they did get over it. I don't know exactly what happened, I've never asked. She is really important to him. They do talk once or twice a month over text or video chat and I know that they have a lot in common (I don't know Jane's situation but Eric's parents were abusive and I've pieced together that Jane's were as well). I've never gotten the impression that either one wants to go back to how it was and he's never given me a reason to be insecure. Until now. He asked me to marry him three weeks ago, and I said yes. I was really excited to marry him. But then suddenly a few days ago he announced that he needed to go visit family. Which was weird because he cut his family off several years ago. He has expressed to me that he has no interest in seeing them again. He said that it was an important family emergency, and then just left. He kept me updated and we talked a few times on the phone, he told me that his mom was having health issues. I had no reason to be suspicious. (Edit: I'm reading that over and it sounds weird but he's always been very touchy when it comes to talking about his family and I didn't want to push it.) But then, a couple hours ago I get a message from Jane asking if Eric was okay. I said that he was visiting family, so he was probably just a bit stressed out which is why he wasn't responding to her messages. She then informed me that he is in Paris, with her, and snuck a photo of him in her apartment. I haven't replied to her yet. I'm freaking out. I have no idea what to do. He just got on a plane to fly for 12 hours to see her without telling me, presumably last minute. Why is he there? Do I talk to him? Has anyone else been in this kind of situation before? TD;LR: my fiance secretly went to Paris to see his female friend. I didn't find out until she told me. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Goose20011:** I mean, good on her (Jane) for telling you. Is she aware you guys are engaged. >**OP:** Yes, she knows. She congratulated us both. And I believe he told her that he was going to propose before he did. &nbsp; [Update – recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/189b94d/update_my_27f_fiance_27m_secretly_went_to_visit/) - **Dec 2, 2023** Thank you for all the comments and advice. I read every single one, and I appreciate all of the advice. I’m sorry for the late update, but I am extremely tired and haven't really sat down in a week and a half. To just get to the point: I left him. A lot of people were concerned that he'd find the post, but I did change a lot of details. The main issue remains the same; Jane lives in a foreign country, at least 12 hours away, and he decided to go to her without telling me. I also did see some comments discussing the "age gap" between Eric and Jane; Jane is in her late twenties. I said 20s because I wasn't sure at the time how old she was. After I posted and the comments started rolling in, I had to shut my phone off. There were many people saying that Eric wanted to be with Jane, that he wasn't over her, and I started having a panic attack. I'm not an insecure person usually, and Eric had given me absolutely no reason to be. But this whole thing… I felt very stupid and like I'd been blind. He was always very open about his friendship with Jane and how much she meant to him, but there was absolutely nothing that made me think he still had feelings for her. Honestly even if he told me he wanted to visit her without me I'd probably have said that was fine as long as I got to go on my own vacation. Anyway. I got Jane on the phone the next day. Her story is that he just showed up at her door, claiming that he missed her and that he just “needed to get away”. She provided proof that she had no idea he was coming, and I have no reason to not believe her when she tells me nothing happened. I think she was angrier than I was. At the time she figured that something really bad must have happened, either with me or with his family. She knew from past experiences it was better to just let him talk when he was ready rather than pushing it. She gave it two days, during which he was behaving very impulsively, kept spacing out, and he brought up their past multiple times. They hadn't seriously spoken about since it ended years ago. He's usually the calmer, more level-headed of the two of them, so this behaviour was extremely out of character. Finally, she decided to text me to see if I knew anything. After I told her that he was with his family, she put it together pretty quick that I had no idea where he was, and she confronted him about it. They got into a massive fight that lasted for hours, and she eventually told him to leave. She didn’t really tell me what the fight was about, just that she yelled at him for not telling me, but after talking to him I’ve got a hunch. Me and Jane talked for a long time. Both of us were crying by the end of it. I think this whole thing opened up some wounds. She told me their history, a lot of which really surprised me. Like how they weren't even really boyfriend-girlfriend, and he's the one who ended it. He'd always given me the impression that it was a bad but ultimately mutual break up. It was just a really toxic situation for both of them and it took them a long time to get back to being actual friends after. Which brings me to my conversation with Eric. He showed up a few days after I talked with Jane. I had packed up and left to a friend’s at that point. He came over to talk; my friend was in the place the whole time. We talked for a while. I asked him a hundred questions and he answered 5 of them. He said he was sorry, that he can’t provide an actual explanation for what he did because he doesn't understand why. I said that that wasn’t good enough, and I needed him to tell me what happened. He said he couldn’t, because I won't understand. I suggested couples therapy for us (he’s been doing it individually since before I met him) but he said he didn’t want to. He just wants to forget that it happened. The positive explanation I have is that he had some kind of freak out after we got engaged, or maybe something did happen with his parents and he couldn't talk to me about it. Which is fine, I don't necessarily think that if someone is struggling the first person they should always go to to talk about it with is their partner. I'm totally fine with him going to Jane if he was freaking out over the prospect of us getting married or if he did hear something about his mom (obviously don't fly to another country and lie about it but that goes without saying). Jane could probably understand that better than I could and would know what to say. But he can't even talk to me about it now nor is he making an effort, so how does that bode? He just wants to pretend that everything is fine and normal and I just can't do that. On top of all of that; up until now he's never been secretive about how he feels or what he's thinking about or his history. He hates talking about it and is touchy about people asking a lot of questions about it, but he's always told me stuff if I ask. I think if he was panicking over getting married or if something actually happened with his mom, he'd tell me. I couldn't help myself and asked if it was because he just doesn’t want to talk about the fact that he wants to be with Jane and regrets how he treated her. He denied it, but I think I hit a nerve. He claimed that he doesn't have have any left over feelings for her other than the fact that she’s a big ‘what-if’. She’s important to him, but she’s the past and I’m the future. This may just be my fear talking, but what if this whole time he’s been using me to try to make Jane jealous because he’s realized that he lost her. And he went to see her to see if she still wanted him just in case. I think that's what they fought about. I think he went there to see her because he's realized he still wants her. And she's been off living her life without him, no problem. It's bad enough if that is the case, but if I take him back, what if she changes her mind? I don't have a reason to believe she'll change her mind, she doesn't talk about him the way that I talk about someone I'm romantically interested in and now that I know their history I wouldn't want him back either, but who knows. After our conversation, it’s obvious that he’s not 100% certain that he wants to build a life with me, and he’s not willing to do what it takes to fix this. I’m not worth the work. He won’t even try. And that's basically the big issue for me; I can't build a life with someone who won't put in the effort. So I don’t want to be with him. I told him to leave, and he left without a fight. I’ve blocked him on everything. I've talked to Jane a few times since, and they have spoken. She told me that he's probably going to take some time off work and figure stuff out. I hope he can get some help. Plus I know it sounds utterly bizarre but I think I've actually gained a friend in her; she's checked in on me multiple times and even helped put me in touch with a new place to live that I just moved into. I’m really tired. It’s been a really horrible and busy time. Thanks for the support and the advice. I'm glad I found out now before we had started seriously planning or worse, after we got married or had children. If I find out anything more, I'll update on my profile. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the embarrassment or good ice cream flavours to get through the pain though? TDLR: I left him. He didn't provide much of an explanation but I suspect that he has some regrets over how he treated his ex. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **WinterFront1431:** It definitely sounds like he was trying he luck with Jane.. maybe thought he could get something to happen and then come back and either have got it out the way or leave you for her. Don't wait around for him. Keep him blocked.. >**OP:** I think it's pretty funny that he seems to have thought that the woman who moved away to a foreign country has been sitting around for the past few years waiting for him to want her. **incognitolandshark:** I’m so sorry for what he put both you and Jane through and if he is in counseling like he stated it’s not working because this shows he has some deep unresolved issues that he thinks can be fixed with the right partner. Jane’s a good person. I wish both of you well! >**OP:** No, seriously. She's my hero. And I genuinely hope he gets the help he needs. I don't want him to be miserable forever. He was a good partner until all of this. My experience with him doesn't match up all that much with Jane's experience with him. **WonderlandHarps:** I do think he’s got unresolved issues but it also sounds more like he’s taking some form of drug if he’s no history of manic breakdowns. Not acting himself and jumping from topic to topic with Jane sounds like a mania episode or drug involvement. >**OP:** He doesn't have a history of manic breakdowns that I know of, but he does have significant mental health issues and these come with their moments. But up until now it's always been the "I'm gonna stuff down my feelings because then they won't exist" kind more than the "I'm gonna do something crazy!" kind. But from what I've seen he's always managed it pretty well. It could've been a manic episode. I definitely think he panicked over SOMETHING. I don't know about drugs. I really hope it's not. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

My (27F) fiance (27M) secretly went to Paris to see a female friend.

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18e5z47/my_27f_fiance_27m_secretly_went_to_paris_to_see_a/

18e602o

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Annoyedlatke **AITA for not telling my parents that I converted?** **Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!racism,classes, antisemitism, religious abuse, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, harassment, fears of major violence, misogyny!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/JSfGavMafP)  **Sept 29, 2021** So I (28F) for background context was raised Hindu and had two very strict parents growing up. My dad was very emotionally distant and had a lot of problematic views about all kinds of people. My mother was overly controlling and spent most of my teenage years trying to make me the ideal version of a daughter she had in mind. I resented my family hugely and as soon as I had the chance, I ran away to university and never really looked back. Nowadays I keep them at an arm's length and only see them twice a year or so but I'm planning on cutting them off pretty soon. So I met Zach (32M) through work and we've been together for about 4 years now. He had a totally different upbringing to me and when he proposed 2 and a half years ago, I decided to convert to his faith. I didn't do it purely for him or anything because I had been interested in his religion for a while and so when he proposed, I kickstarted the process. The conversion process was finally completed back in July and then a month later, we married. I dote on my in laws and the way they treat me with love and kindness has always shocked me a little because I never had it growing up. I didn't invite my parents or anybody in my family because I know they would've absolutely disapproved of Zach (mainly because he's not Indian or Hindu). Me and Zach don't plan on having kids for a few years but the agreement would be that our kids would grow up exposed to Indian culture and would grow up the two Indian languages I grew up speaking. But they'd also be raised as Reform Jews until they were old enough to make an informed decision about what they wanted to be. One of my cousins dropped by completely by surprise last week and was totally surprised to find Zach in my apartment. She noticed our wedding picture and stormed out of the apartment. Long story short, my phone is now blowing up with messages from multiple family members saying I've betrayed them and that my parents are going to die from grief. I've had a voicecall of my mother screaming at me of how I've failed them once again as a daughter by ditching the religion I was born with and that I've always been a failure. I've blocked their numbers for the sake of my sanity. Zach's suggested leaving the country and I'm seriously thinking about it. AITA? Zach's family insists I'm not and they personally think my family are psychos but at the same time all the guilt-tripping I'm being put through is starting to get to me. I know converting is a huge deal and everything but at the same time I doubt my parents would've been supportive. **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **IrritatedMango** >NTA. You made your own informed decision about something that literally doesn't harm anyone. Your parents are most likely lashing out because it doesn't look good for their image in the community (sad I know but it's a good possibility). >Edit- And mazel tov! I have a few friends who are Jewish and from what I've heard, converting to Judaism is no easy feat. Well done and you go enjoy your life with Zach! **OOP** >>Sadly I think you're right. They were always obsessing over their image amongst their friends. And thank you! * **jtj5002** *NTA. >Ultra conservative part of India culture is extremely outdated, controlling, and dangerous. They treat you not as their children, but their property and an extension of themselves. I would be concerned for your safety and leave the country. When they treat you as property, they are not beyond harming you. **OOP** >>I agree fully. Hence why Zach's suggested leaving the country now as opposed to next year when I wanted to go no contact. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/LRGyauMLfa)  **Oct 20, 2021** Hi, I (28F) posted a few weeks ago explaining about how my family had found out that I converted to Reform Judaism from Hinduism and married my Jewish husband behind their back. If anyone who didn't see it [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/py2kex/aita\_for\_not\_telling\_my\_parents\_that\_i\_converted/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/py2kex/aita_for_not_telling_my_parents_that_i_converted/) Most of you told me that I wasn't the AH for not telling them this (thank you for that, it really helped me with feeling like I'd been a terrible daughter). So I'm updating if anyone's interested. Me and Zach ended our tenancy at our apartment, have temporarily moved to Scotland and are currently in the process of moving to the Netherlands, where his aunts and uncles live. They knew about how bad my family were but they didn't realise the full scale of it until my mother in law told them straight after I had a nervous breakdown over the messages my family were leaving me. Immediately, they offered to take us in and one of his uncles offered to help sort out a work permit for me (Zach has an Irish passport so the whole process is a lot smoother for him). My work couldn't sort out my transfer until next year so I took up on that offer and I'm finishing off sending the documents I need for my work permit. His aunt mentioned our situation to a friend of hers and that friend's offered to let us rent a small flat he has until we can properly find our feet. We had a talk and I'm going to change my name to my Jewish name instead to avoid being found, thankfully Zach has a very common Dutch surname and my name is shortened to a fairly English anyway so for the time being, it's a start. Thank you for all the support. The kindness of the Zach's family and their friends continues to blow me away and I can't quite believe I've finally found my circle. This whole experience of being found out as having converted was very emotionally draining but I'm glad it's almost over. Edit- a letter **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **polly6119** >And I am so glad you both are able to make sure your future children will never experience that toxic environment. Here's to a wonderful future! **OOP** >>Hear hear! Me and Zach are very chilled about religion as a whole and I know if my kids didn't want to be Jewish anymore we'd still support them. * **DutyValuable** >I’m glad you escaped your parents, but I feel bad that Zack had to leave his behind. Any temptation to scorch the earth and let your parents know what you really think about them before you move and change your name? **OOP** >>Zach's actually okay with it even though I asked multiple times if he was okay with leaving earlier. My in-laws and his logic are we'll just be a train ride/plane away from each other and it's really no biggie. >>And no, I don't plan to. I've already had multiple breakdowns over how they reacted to me being a Jew. I don't want to risk having anymore. * **Hyperf0cused** >This reform-Jewish girl wishes you both well. If only your parents had reformed themselves of being AH. What an interesting, happy household and life you have ahead of you! **OOP** >>I find it very ironic that growing up my parents made off-hand anti-Semitic comments and now I'm a Jew. The universe is funny sometimes. Thank you x **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for not telling my parents that I converted?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18e602o/aita_for_not_telling_my_parents_that_i_converted/

18e60rz

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Throwra-idjskeisn **I (28M) went to my GF’s (26F) parents for Thanksgiving and it went horribly** **Originally posted to OOP's own page** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!classism, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/u/Throwra-idjskeisn/s/oKgtKgCQwO)  **Nov 29, 2023** We’ve been dating for over a year and I’ve met her parents a few times, but just things like dinners. They live four hours from us, and this was going to be the first holiday we spent together (her parents, her younger brother and younger sister). We drove down Thanksgiving morning and were going to spend the night there then a few days at a resort. Her parents are blue collar and church going, I  teach high school math. A bit of a cultural difference. My GF made me promise not to get into a discussion with her dad on politics or religion. I was fine with that, I’m not going to change his mind. Her dad never hid the fact that he didn’t respect me. He kept making comments about teachers indoctrinating students, common core, and other nonsense. No reason to get in a fight, I’m sure that’s what he wants. I mostly ignored him but he never let up, he was a total ass. Everyone was uncomfortable, and her family avoids confrontation with the dad. My Gf and her mom tried to change the subject but they never stood up to him. I was done with his shit and told my GF she could say something or I would be more than happy to. She begged me not to make a scene. So I didn’t, I went upstairs, packed up, thanked everyone and left. I told my GF she should stay and get her parents or brother to drive her home (we don’t live together). I went on to the resort and enjoyed my weekend. My GF has been trying to apologize, but when I asked what she said to her dad when I left and what he said, she still never confronted him. He never took responsibility. Sounds like he continued to insult me after I left. I’ve never seen her so avoidant, she’s only like that around her dad. Her only solution seems to hope that he’ll eventually lighten up. TLDR: my gf’s dad hates me and she won’t stand up to him. Do I tell her to stop being afraid or her dad? Do I confront him and put him on blast? Or is this a learning experience that we’re just not compatible? [Update: I (28M) went to my GF’s (26F) parents for Thanksgiving and it went horribly](https://www.reddit.com/u/Throwra-idjskeisn/s/6s0smrrDtk)  **Dec 2, 2023** I appreciated all the comments. A significant number of comments said I shouldn’t ask nor expect her to stand up to her dad, so I didn’t. I also don’t want to break up with her, but we’re setting expectations and she can decide if she can live with them. I wanted to respond to some comments but the post got locked before I had a chance. I started by apologizing for leaving her and not continuing our vacation as planned. She also apologized for not leaving with me Thursday night. She wasn’t mad I left, she knew I was frustrated with him and the promise I made to her. However, she was hoping things would be better in the morning. She ended up spending the weekend with her family. She wanted to spend time with her brother, sister, and mom. One promising comment she said is they basically ignored and excluded her dad from everything they did that weekend. I asked if her dad physically abused her or her mom, she was really taken aback by this. She got a little upset at me and said he would never lay a hand on his family. She asked why I’d even ask, and I said her family was so reluctant to stand up to him even going as far as asking me to promise not to that I thought they might be afraid he’d react physically. She said that’s just how he is, but he’s gotten worse the last few years. He thinks his family shouldn’t question or criticize him, especially not in his own home We set clear boundaries, I will never go to his house again if that’s his attitude, unless things change drastically. If they want to visit in the future it will be at my house (or if we get to that point, our house). I won’t ignore or defer, though. I asked if she would be Ok having little or no contact in the future if his behavior continues. She was very reluctant to promise that and feels he’ll eventually change his attitude. I told her she doesn’t have to ask him to apologize or even pretend to like me, but it’s all in his court and depends completely on how he acts. She won’t stand up to him, so I’m taking it out of her hands and doing it myself. I don’t care if I ever see them again. We’re spending Christmas with my family, they absolutely love her and she has a good relationship with my mom. My parents live close and my GF is becoming my mom’s favorite. I think my mom is starting to like her more than me. Our parents haven’t met each other. They wouldn’t put up with his crap. A lot of people criticize me for my blue collar, church going comment. I was trying to stay in the rules of the sub and not discuss politics. What I should have said is he sounds like every other extremist media junkie parent who repeat the same anti-vax, crt conspiracy nonsense nearly verbatim. Fake Christians who misinterpret the Bible to bully LGBTQ kids and ban books…is that a better background? I put up with that garbage and personal attacks and didn’t respond because my GF specifically asked me not to argue, plus he wants to play the victim, wants to pretend everyone looks down on him. I can’t say shit to my student’s parents either. Do I think I’m better than blue collar workers?  No. Do I think I’m better than qanon idiots uncritically repeating whatever’s been pumped into their brain? Yes. That’s where we’re at, I understand my girlfriend’s family dynamics. I’m not mad at her anymore (I am a little disappointed, ngl), she’s a product of her upbringing and unlike to change. Fortunately she’s not like that in the rest of her relationships. tldr: my gf’s dad hates me and my gf wants me to take his abuse like her family does. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I (28M) went to my GF’s (26F) parents for Thanksgiving and it went horribly

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18e60rz/i_28m_went_to_my_gfs_26f_parents_for_thanksgiving/

18e619b

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/BurydaAshette **I (33F) won’t share gift cards with my Husband (33M)** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/kDR8RRphr2)  **Nov 29, 2023** I (33F) have a type of job in one of the care industries. While I do work for an actual company, sometimes the clients that use the services of the company are so grateful of the level of care that an individual employee may give to their loved one, they feel moved to give us gifts for our efforts. These gifts can range anywhere from a bouquet of flowers, to home made/store bought treats, gift cards, etc. Anytime I get delicious treats from clients I always share them with my husband (33M). However if I come home with a gift cards (like a $25 Amazon card or $50 visa) my husband wants me to share those as well. One time I came home with four gifts cards (Target, a Visa, and two Amazon). When he saw them he started talking about how I need to share them since no one gets him gifts for his work (he works in construction). He moped about it (and I do love him, he works hard) and I gave him one of my Amazon gift cards and insisted on keeping the other ones myself, since these are gifts from clients I work with for the care of their loved ones. Recently I have been given gift cards again and when he saw them he said asked what I planned on getting with them. So I told him, and the items I plan on getting will be strictly for me and he scoffed at that. He started complaining again about why how I should share or get something that benefits both of us. We went back and forth for a bit. I reminded him I always spend my own money for things that benefit us both or that we can both enjoy, and that when I use these gift cards I always get something I can’t always afford with my own money. He kept insisting I share. He brought up the fact that it wasn’t fair that even though I shared an Amazon gift card with him before, he ended up with nothing because Amazon messed up his order and he never received his item, but he got a refund. I told him that THAT was not my fault at all and at that point I got really annoyed and told him to leave me alone. He made a commit about me “not being raised to share” (I’m an only child) and I got mad and told him “that’s that sibling mentality and only works with parents and their kids. Get over yourself” and I walked off. He side-eyed me. I kinda feel bad about it all but honestly I just want my gift to be mine. I work with a new set of clients every few months so this is a frequent occurrence. Is there a better way I can respond or handle it better in the future? (Some extra context: We are not exactly well off, but bills are always paid and our fridge is always full. We can afford to treat ourselves once a month and we always treat ourselves together or we don’t leave each other out. But like if we want to get ourselves something really nice, like a set of weights or a nail art/care kit then it is a sacrifice the other does not benefit from so we put purchases like that on the back burner for a while. We have gifted each other just because in the past as well.) EDIT: for more context we are 50/50 in the sense that he covers a set of bills and I cover a set of bills, not the “we both take money from our accounts and put it together for all bills” type of set up. We honestly live paycheck to paycheck and make just enough to have all our needs covered. Any wants we both discuss with each other but we rarely and I mean RARELY stop each other from getting something we want. ONE MORE EDIT: A $50 visa is a VERY rare occurrence (only got one once). I’m only getting maybe one or two gift cards every 6 months to a year. Not anywhere near montly. Last time I got 4 gift cards it was was in February of this year and only 2 of them were $25 Amazon cards (one of them I gave to my husband). The other two a keep were $10 at Target and $10 at Starbucks. It has been 9 months since I last got a gift and this time I only got two. What we got into it about is ONE $25 Amazon gift card. The other one is Starbucks and he hates Starbucks and doesn’t even care about that one. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/LM1gWwRaKd)  **Dec 2, 2023** I didn’t expect to get so many comments so to anyone who cares enough here is an update. [original post that made folks think I’m being abused?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/WCQYz0EmVP) I didn’t think any financial details were relevant to a situation about gift cards, so I’ll clarify that. My husband works construction and I work in a care industry that is NOT medical. In fact in the field I work in it is customary (US) to give gifts to the workers during a designated “appreciation week” or during Christmas holidays. So I only get gifts twice a year, more than 6 months apart usually and the most gift cards I’ve ever gotten was four but the value of those gift cards usually don’t amount to more than maybe $50 (2 $5 Starbucks, $10 Target, $25 Amazon to give an example). The rest are usually skin care gift or food items. The one time I got a $50 visa gift card we went to an expensive restaurant with it. For the record my husband and I do not celebrate birthdays and holidays and this is a mutual decision between both of us. We have no children. We consider ourselves 50/50 but it goes like this. My husband makes more than I do. He takes on all utility bills (including internet and cell phone service), covers health insurance and car insurance. I inherited a house that needed repairs. There is no mortgage but there is a home repair loan I pay monthly and I pay the car note for a car I purchased. Since the home belongs to me I choose on the responsibility of saving for property taxes. After we are done paying our bills with our own separate accounts we usually have a few hundred dollars left in our individual accounts. We put that together and use that to buy groceries/bath/home essentials. We treat ourselves once a month. We share almost every interest and hobby, so say if one person wants to go to the comic book store as a treat we both walk out with comics. If one wants to by a video game that’s cool because we’re both gamers, or we take a drive to the beach, go see a movie, go out to dinner, etc. We’re not rich but we can afford to get take out twice a week (we try not to). We treat each other/gift each each other when we can. I am fortunate enough to have clothes given to me by family members that happen to shop at expensive department stores. The clothes are nice, barely worn or will even still have tags on them. I actual love this since my family is very fashionable and only give me good stuff. I have absolutely no problem with this. Since I get clothes for free I often buy my husband clothes (especially since he wear them out faster). He would take clothes from others if he could but there are no men in his family or mine his size. We are not perfect but we honestly don’t argue, any disagreements we have we can either talk it out or agree that it’s not serious enough to get to deep off into. I recently got a couple of gift cards because of the holiday season. One is $5 at Starbucks, the other is $25 at Amazon. I brought up that I may have a package showing up soon because I wanted to buy something for myself from Amazon and he suggested we should share that card and get something for both of us. I disagreed and we said some not so nice things to each other. THE ACTUAL UPDATE: I read all the comments from the previous post and while I appreciate your concern I am in no way being financially abused or given the short ends of any sticks. We both share the burden of living and are doing fine. I asked him about why he got miffed at me wanting to use the one $25 Amazon gift card I was gifted for myself and he admitted he hoped I would get something for the house since the kitchen is lacking some equipment and that he knows $25 is not much but it could make something nice cheaper. He THEN told me I don’t have to do that. I asked him why he brought up me being an only child and he said “idk I guess I just am used to having to share and such with my sisters…but I guess that’s different”. I reminded him we share everything expect makeup and clippers and reminded him it’s not my fault my mom couldn’t have more of me just like it’s not his fault his family had to stretch resources and comparing our childhoods ain’t gonna cut it in any of our situations. I told him I wanted to get a poly gel nail kit so I could do my own nails again (lost my old stuff in a fire) and he said “I do like when your nails are done.” Then we went out for a nice breakfast So yeah, keeping my dern gift card. The end. Thank you and good night. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I (33F) won’t share gift cards with my Husband (33M)

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18e619b/i_33f_wont_share_gift_cards_with_my_husband_33m/

18ehr1x

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/OneSpookyPotato **in** r/antiwork trigger warnings: >!exploitative passive aggressive employer, attempted wage theft, workplace indifference to illness!< mood spoilers: >!get rek't Karen!<   [**I quit my job 2 weeks ago and they reversed my final direct deposit without notifying me in retaliation.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/qjue02/i_quit_my_job_2_weeks_ago_and_they_reversed_my/) \- October 31, 2021 *OOP posted this story solely in screenshots of communications between her and her former employer. Links and transcriptions below.* From OOP's employer ([https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fq712ig3rmtw71.jpg%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D56d83eeb401c99c28fd25c67bb0f8313d77083dc](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fq712ig3rmtw71.jpg%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D56d83eeb401c99c28fd25c67bb0f8313d77083dc)) >From Karen (OOP's name redacted) > >I received your voicemail message. Here are some facts to help you sort things out, as you asked: > >Speaking of notification: you weren't concerned about providing us with a 2-week notification, as is standard with employment, when you decided to let us know within a couple of hours of your shift that you were quitting without any consideration of your co-workers. > >You did not return company property: keys and shirts (since you worked less than 3 months) > >We paid you for hours of at-home, remote training, and two-weeks of training in the spa, only for you to quit two weeks after that. Within those two weeks you had two call-outs. A complete waste of time and money for the business. If anything, you owe us money. > >Hope this helps. > >Karen From OOP (Part 1 - [https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fd3i3tf3rmtw71.jpg%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D9891ce38df3eabb469a73167c74955b387db6226](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fd3i3tf3rmtw71.jpg%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D9891ce38df3eabb469a73167c74955b387db6226) and Part 2 - [https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fp7swdj3rmtw71.jpg%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D6e059f15a8568873886c4c2bdcca561bbcd4ab87](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fp7swdj3rmtw71.jpg%3Fwidth%3D750%26format%3Dpjpg%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D6e059f15a8568873886c4c2bdcca561bbcd4ab87)) >Karen, > >Some facts to help you sort things out, > >1. I am one of SIX employees since August to quit without notice, this isn't a "me" problem. Maybe check in on your manager. (Lindsey; maybe stop blaming all your wage slave employees for once.) > >2. I've been sick with a kidney infection, which is a result of the bladder infection I had to contend with that I had to call out for on the 9th. I've had bigger priorities than turning in two black shirts and a set of keys, that NOBODY TOLD ME getting my last paycheck would be contingent upon, for hours that I worked. I thought with you being a "nurse" that maybe you'd have some compassion but some things are more clear to me now. (By the way, compassion or no compassion, I worked those hours and you are legally obligated to pay me.) > >3. Yes, training is PAID. Whether from home or in person you are required to PAY employees for all hours they work. I owe you nothing. YOUR business OWES me my final paycheck. Also get your dates right. I finished my training a full month before I quit. > >Withholding an employee's final paycheck is considered wage theft and is illegal. If this is not resolved by tomorrow afternoon I will be in contact with the Ohio Attorney General Office and my parents lawyer, as well as filing a complaint with the Ohio Department of Commerce. My partner will be by this afternoon to drop off my keys and shirt to you, as I am too sick to do, since you seem to think those items are worth taking over 300 dollars that I earned away because you're angry about how I quit. Which again, is against the law. > >Hope this helps you make better choices, (OOP's name redacted)   [**UPDATE: She folded like a house of cards.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/qjy24p/update_she_folded_like_a_house_of_cards/) \- October 31, 2021 (later that day) *Again, OOP posted this solely in a screenshot of her employer's message. Links and transcriptions below.* From OOP's employer ([https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fmc0j01ksiuw71.jpg](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fmc0j01ksiuw71.jpg)) >So many things I could say in response, but don't want to waste my time with it. > >We will pay you. Have no energy or time to fight this. Take the money and feel good about providing no value for it and handling your employment poorly. It's not about the cost of the keys or the shirts, but thanks for returning them anyway. It's the right thing to do. > >Yes, we did make a poor choice with this business, primarily in thinking we could find good quality, mature, responsible, accountable employees that could work as a team and help us build it. Seems to be extremely hard to find these days. For that very reason alone, I wish everyday I could take back that choice. I admit it very easily. Very bad decision on our part. > >Other than that, all pass on your advice about making good choices. *Marked as concluded as OOP has left that job and recovered her pay, and her boss has communicated no interest in listening to OOP's advice.* **Reminder - I am not the original poster. I am also not able to process how OOP's former employer was literally named Karen.**

OOP quits job, employer reverses final direct deposit without notification

CONCLUDED

stealmymemesitsOK

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ehr1x/oop_quits_job_employer_reverses_final_direct/

18evyzh

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Puzzled-Medicine-641 **AITA for Refusing to Share My College Fund with Step-Siblings?** **Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole Trigger Warnings: >!exploitation, emotional manipulation!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/xrOi8rVhCz) **Dec 2, 2023** Throwaway so they don't find this post. I (19F) recently found out that my stepmom (40F) wants me to split my college fund with my step-siblings (17M and 15F). My bio mom set up the fund for me before she passed away and it was meant for my education. I love my family and they are important to me but I've been saving every penny and working part-time to contribute. My step-siblings have their own funds set up by their bio dad and I never expected to share mine. My stepmom insists it's about being a "blended family" and treating everyone equally. I'm torn because I want to be fair and don't want to start dram in my family but I feel like this fund is my lifeline for college. AITA if I stand my ground and keep the money for myself? EDIT: Thank you for your kind responses, although I think a lot of people are assuming things about my stepmother and dad. She has been in my family for about 4 years now and has been almost like a second mom to me the whole time. (although obviously she won't ever replace my bio mom) I genuinely don't think that she has any malicious intent. I will be talking with her and my dad about it tomorrow to tell them I definitely don't want to share the fund. I will put the update on my profile as to not flood this sub. (Update is up) **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Ok_Bookkeeper_3481:** Your college fund is yours alone, but, just out of curiosity, where is your father in this? He should have warned your step-mother that her request was highly inappropriate - not leave to fend off her guilt-tripping on your own. >**OOP** I think he is open to the idea, but only if I am okay with it - he was the one who told me about this. I think it's because my college fund is a lot bigger than my stepsiblings, who have to share the money + they aren't saving up money to put in theirs. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/u/Puzzled-Medicine-641/s/i78XYr4fD6) **Dec 3, 2023** I talked to my stepmother and father this morning. Both my dad and my stepmother understood my point of view and said that if I don't want to I don't have to share. It turns out that my stepsiblings bio father has been pressuring my stepmother and father into sharing the college fund, as he is not as well off as my mom was or as my dad currently is and so doesn't have the money to contribute as much. I think I will try to compromise with him: after all, I do have a lot in my college fund and I currently am on a partial scholarship. However, I am interested in pursuing a Masters degree and possibly even a doctorate, but if I can get on scholarship for my Masters I am willing to share the leftover funds with my stepsiblings. I hope he will accept this. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **One-Chipmunk3386:** Nope keep it for yourself. You don't owe them. You could use the excess for an apartment or car. Their lack of funds is not your fault. How did he even know? Who told him you were an option? Absolutely not. Keep the money to yourself >**OOP:** I know I don't owe them, but I'm really close to my stepsiblings and would like to do something nice for them. **Dana07620:** We told you that the reason for this is that your college fund has more than your stepsiblings' fund. We told you this was never about being a "blended family." We told you that this would never have been a two way street --- that if your stepsiblings' college fund had more money than your college fund that it would never have been shared with you. And one more thing we told you: This isn't what your mother wanted. If she had wanted that fund shared, she would have written provisions to share it. She did not. She wanted that fund to be only for you. It's not up to your stepmother's ex to accept or not accept anything. It's money from your mother left entirely to you. And a PhD is damned expensive and takes a long time to get. And you'll have living expenses for the whole period. Giving away the money while you're getting a Masters is a fool's move. You're still going to need that money. Things are not equal between you and your stepsiblings. They have two living parents. You do not. What you do have is this gift from your mother to set you up. If your father is so concerned, let him put his money into his stepchildrens' college fund. It's not your responsibility. Do not give away that money. You're going to need it. >**OOP:** I would take out loans for the PhD anyway - there's not enough money to cover that. I'm still on the fence about it because of that. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for Refusing to Share My College Fund with Step-Siblings?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18evyzh/aita_for_refusing_to_share_my_college_fund_with/

18evzen

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/THRWAYWldntMairy **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH For Telling My Husband I Wouldn't Have Married Him If He Didn't Have The Job He Has?** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/189flrz/aitah_for_telling_my_husband_i_wouldnt_have/?share_id=6q8VPuh269iWctLMBGsgG&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 2, 2023** I (38f) have been married to my husband (39m) for 10 years. We are both doctors and have made a pretty good life for ourselves and our kids (8m, 6f, 5f). I didn't really grow up from a lot as my mom was a single mother and because of that, I was always taught to really know your worth. So when I decided to continue my education to become a doctor, I promised myself I wouldn't settle. And I met my husband in med school. Anyways, on to the point of the post. Me and my husband were mostly just hanging out and watching a movie. We were a movie and the main character is a woman who has been abused. I pointed out she shouldn't have settled for such shit people in the first place. My husband asks me what would be "settling" in my case, and I gave an example of saying that I probably wouldn't have married him if he didn't have the job he did, or was not accomplished. When I told him that, I could tell his feelings seemed sort of hurt because his smile kind of fell. The rest of the movie we watched in silence and thst was just that. Everything's really fine but it's still on my mind so I'm just gonna ask here If I'm the asshole. I'll include any extra info needed. Edit for information: 1. It's not my husband's job itself, it's more of thr ambition or drive to get there. 2. No my husband is not considering divorcing me. 3. I'm not a gold digger. Financially I do not need him. &nbsp; **AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the comments, OOP was voted YTA** &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **brittdre16:** YTA for the way you said it. You could have said that drive is a quality you find attractive. You love him for many reasons but one do them being how proud you are of him for all the things he has accomplished in his life. Instead, you made it seem like you care about his paycheck. >**OP:** I understand your POV and admit I could have phrased better. Thansk for commenting **ADDITIONAL COMMENTS FROM OOP** >**OP:** That's fair tbh. The message I was trying to get across was he could be the most attractive and have tje best personality, but if he's not accomplished, then that's a no no for me. And if he were accomplished but an asshole and doesn't look good in my opinion, I wouldn't date them either. My husband is like the perfect person for me in all aspects. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18a52r5/update_aitah_for_telling_my_husband_that_i/?share_id=Nwas1LkVy2a-E4vrd9wd8&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 3, 2023** I read all (most) of the comments and they were all very helpful even if I thought some were harsh. I've talked to my husband about it and how he felt by me saying that. I've told him that when I say "his job" I meant the determination was why I had wanted to marry him, alongside with my physical and emotional attraction to him. I know I've probably hurt his feelings, and my husband said I did, but I admit myself I could have worded it way better. We also discussed this a bit further on how it made him feel and how we thought of my attraction and attitude toward him. Thanks for all the reddditors who helped me see my husband's POV and understand how he felt in the situation. I'll be tagging some users in an edit since I really can't exit the post right now without it being gone and I have to write all it over again. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH For Telling My Husband I Wouldn't Have Married Him If He Didn't Have The Job He Has?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18evzen/aitah_for_telling_my_husband_i_wouldnt_have/

18evzgn

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/SorryNotSorryD **My best friend’s mistress doesn’t know that he is actually broke. My wife’s reaction to the whole thing really bummed me out** **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Infidelity!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/goFyaNkUYN)  **July 10, 2023** My (M41) best friend Jack (m41) since kindergarten cheated on his wife Ana (f39) with a girl half his age Max (f25). Ana is one of the best human beings I’ve ever met. She is very beautiful, kind and caring. She is very successful too. When Jack met her, he was so in love that he wrote an iron clad prenup just to be with her. In other words, Jack has nothing to his name. He met Max on a work trip and it was then that he cheated on Ana. The affair lasted for two months until Max made an ultimatum; to leave his wife for her. Jack refused and tried to end the affair so Max told Ana everything. This broke Ana beyond repair and she told Jack that she couldn’t forgive him. They’re in the process of divorcing now and Jack lives in a small studio apartment near his work. After Jack lost hope to reconciliation with Ana, he started seeing Max again. Now they’re officially dating. My wife Pat (f32) knows all these details. She is a more forgiving and understanding person than I am and I love that about her. She is way more tolerant because I am team Ana and there’s nothing Jack can say to make me change my opinion. Now everything is settled my wife said that she wanted to invite Jack and his new gf to our place. I was very reluctant at first but my wife insisted that my friendship with Jack is important. We are basically brothers and we should accept  people we love even with their flaws. It made sense and I trust my wife to always make sense. The dinner was awkward. I couldn’t see past these two cheaters. Jack pretending to be happy and Max overexcited over the fact that she “won” this prize named Jack. I understood then that things won’t be the same but my wife was right, I love Jack and that’s the most important now. Max talked about her upbringing and the hard life she had growing up. She talked about her future with Jack and all the fun they would have. It dawned on me that she didn’t know that they couldn’t do half of what she is dreaming of with Jack’s salary. It dawned on me why she chose him and why she was so willing to hurt an innocent woman that way. She had learned to know the jack who lived in fancy hotels and drove a fancy car. When I asked her about their living arrangements Max said that Jack temporarily is living in a studio apartment until the divorce is settled. Max talked about what she would do to “their” place, renovation and redecorating. The apartment that Ana bought for her family with her hard earned money. The one she decorated with her husband from scratch to make it their home. I remember how happy and full of dreams she was when she found her dream home. To hear Max sitting there, talking about how she would use money she never earned to redecorate a home she wasn’t entitled to. Making fun of another woman’s taste and style. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes men can get emotional too. Jack has not told Max the truth. When they left Pat and I started discussing our dear friends. I was very surprised when Pat angrily told me that I was cruel and callous for not wanting to enlighten Max about her new situation. My wife thought that Max had a tough life and she deserved to have a good life now. I was taken aback by my wife’s logic. I told my wife that I will not tell Max anything but that if she wanted them be my guest. But now I don’t understand my wife and I’m turned off by her morals. Ana was a great friend to my wife but my wife doesn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about her. My wife then got very angry and accused me of caring too much about Ana. That’s when I ended the discussion because I realized that this was going below the belt [Update: I have fallen in love with my best friend’s ex wife. My previous post here opened up my eyes. Thank you](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/HSHeRngNhu)  **Dec 3, 2023** This is so convoluted but I will try my best to make it make sense. Be patient with me. About my wife Pat: Sometimes you think that you know the person you fell in love with married. But then something serious happens and your relationship stands in a trial, something divisive and you find yourself standing on the opposite sides. You start wondering about the person you chose to create a  life with and wonder why you love them when they’re so different from you. You realize that you probably love the version of them that you created in your head. We had a lot of discussions Pat and I about how I felt about her new friendship with Jack and Max and she ignored my disdain for what they done. I understand that people fall in and out of love and they move on. But then other people in their surroundings also should have feelings or opinions about these decisions. Nobody is right or wrong. Pat’s approach was very non judgmental which is obviously a very admirable thing but I found myself on the opposite side. While Pat insisted on inviting Jack and Max, forming new friendships with them. The more I hung out with my former(?) best friend and his mistress the more I disliked them and realized they are not the kind of people I want in my life and by extension the more I disliked Pat. Our disagreements got more intense and more frequent. I told Pat that this wasn’t working for me anymore and she accused me of chosing (a pathetic loser) over our marriage. Of course she is entitled to believe whatever she wants. That was not my reason according to me and the truth is probably something in between. About Jack and Max: Pat told Max that Jack is actually not the one with the money like he had been pretending, and while he is probably not going to be totally empty handed in this divorce settlement, it won’t be the amount that would allow all the dreams and plans she’s made especially when Ana is getting full custody. This put a big wedge between Jack and Max and they have been off again on again since the revelation. Jack has expressed a lot of disgust and repulsion towards Max so I really don’t understand this relationship and why these two miserable people stay together nor do I want to understand. They disgust me and I am done with them. About Ana: When she heard about my separation from my wife she reached out to both of us. She said that since she’s gone through something similar, she wanted to offer support and love. She said that she knew what we were going through. We started talking on the phone and texting. Now almost daily and I have met up with her on few occasions for dinners. I find myself thinking about her all the time and when I wake up in the morning, I go directly to my phone to see if she has sent me a good morning text and I know my day will be just fine when I find one. Not sure if this is love or if I’m falling for her. Not sure if pursuing anything with her is wise. I have not told anyone about these feelings and I’m not sure I ever will. I just know that I love having her in my life. She is a great friend and maybe I shouldn’t ruin this beautiful friendship with this beautiful woman because of some desires. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **dnina1292** >I remember your first post, and I also remember how I didn't like how your wife responded to the whole cheating and becoming friends with the mistress as you painted it. So before you pull the trigger on possibly blowing up 2 friendships going further if that's what Ana wants, make sure your divorced first, but other than that live your life how you want(I'll probably get down voted), you only live once. As far as your former friend misery loves company those two deserve each other. **OOP** >>That’s what I’m planning to do. I have no plans on confessing to Ana and I honestly don’t even know what she feels about me. What I know is that I’m glad that we are friends again and I think she is too. * **Mobile_Difference** >Yeah idk why everyone’s mad your wife was basically supporting cheating. You’re not even cheating you separated and a friendship bloomed because of it. Birds of a feather flock together aka if my partner wanted to be friends with a cheater and their mistress id assume they’d want a mistress of their own. **OOP** >>Not even supporting cheating. Totally ignoring and dismissing my feelings that I didn’t want to hang out with Jack and Max. It became like a statement from her part that these people are in our lives. >>I never took any contact with Ana because I knew my wife didn’t want that. One simple no was enough. She didn’t spare me the same decency. Anyway **ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP REGARDING HIS WIFE** The thing is, jack changed a whole lot too, it wasn’t only the questionable morality of having an affair and  I don’t know if he always been this way but never needed to show his true colors because he was married to a brilliant woman who made him a better man or that infact his affair did change him. He is moronic, bitter, angry all the time. So very disrespectful of everything and everyone. He called Ana, the mother of his children, a wh*re and even his new GF, he calls her a disgusting golddigger, home wrecker loser and ugly, sometimes to her face, in front of us, making me nauseated and very uncomfortable. He hasn’t seen his children since Ana made it clear that they would never go back together, like their purpose is done. Never once did he say he misses his children, hell, even I missed them greatly. and Pat has seen all these changes and it doesn’t bother her, not even a little. What she told me was that he will have more children with his new gf. I remember the fight we had after this conversation. I never really recovered from it. It is true what they say that people show their true colors when times are bad. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My best friend’s mistress doesn’t know that he is actually broke. My wife’s reaction to the whole thing really bummed me out

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18evzgn/my_best_friends_mistress_doesnt_know_that_he_is/

18ew099

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/chaosandpayoffs **He (29M) flirted with someone else in front of me (28F), but he doesn’t feel it was wrong because he’s a “wingman”.** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Lyio9ZOSZ9)  **Nov 13, 2023** Hello Reddit. I was truly hoping I wouldn’t be typing in this subreddit again but here I am. I (28F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for almost 8 months now. Last night we went out to a bar with our mutual friend (27M) who’s single and very shy with women. My bf thought he could be a wingman for him which I was fine with. Later on that night, while the three of us stood at this bar my bf looked at me and our mural friend and said “watch this” and proceeded to approach this beautiful blonde woman standing nearby with her friends. He asked her what time it was, when the bar closed, where she was from, and a few other things I couldn’t make out. I was so confused at this point. After this, my bf turns to our mutual friend and explains the questions he asked her that led to her opening up and engaging in conversation. He clarified with me that it meant nothing, and I tried to shrug it off. But after a few minutes stewing I got pissed off and shut down. He asked me what was wrong and admittedly I got a bit petty and said “maybe I should hit on a hot guy here in front of you and see how you feel”. He got upset at that and shut down. Our mutual friend tried to diffuse the situation by saying that my bf didn’t mean to hurt me and. Was only trying to help wingman. I wasn’t buying it. My bf soon ordered an Uber and we rode home. Our mutual friend went his separate way so then it was just me and bf. He got me a water out of the fridge but I didn’t say anything. After a few minutes I lay on the couch and he says goodnight and heads to his bedroom. I blurt out “aren’t you going to apologize?” He gets all defensive and so do I. We argue. He claims that because he said he was going to wingman and because he said “watch this” that that made it ok.I told him that the roles were reversed he would be mad at me. Eventually he cuts me off and says that we should continue. In the morning. I’m full on crying at this point, but he still goes to his bedroom, leaving me to cry myself to sleep. The next morning he’s doing nice things for me but no apology. I texted him earlier today asking for a break and he respected that. But when we talked on the phone an hour ago he claimed that we both overreacted and a few others things I didn’t agree with. Where do we go from here? I don’t trust him anymore, the man he was last night is not the one I fell in love with. [Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/nloZ9iQMCe)  **Nov 19, 2023** UPDATE: A few more details about our argument over the phone the day after this happened. One of the first things I asked him was: “do you realize how f*cked up your actions were?” His response: “I hear you… I just disagree.” That felt completely disrespectful to my feelings. I then told him that I’ve lost trust in him. He then tried to flip it on me and said he’s some trust in me too?? We argued for nearly two hours over the phone. He claimed that I was using my severe anxiety as a “free license” to go off on him… that doesn’t make any sense because we’ve only had 3 arguments in 8 months. And every time I’ve let my anxiety get the better of me and I’ve asked him insecure questions, I end up apologizing later on. Every time. Also, this is the one time I’ve gone off on him. Every other time, I’ve brought up something that hurt my feelings calmly and logically. Later that night, I had texted him saying that we should stay broken up for several days then reconvene. He agreed. It’s been a week now and I haven’t heard from him. I feel like he should be the one to reach out right? At this point, I doubt he will. [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/0dKEgzXDo0)  **Dec 3, 2023** Update: This will likely be the last update I post. After two weeks of no contact, I ended up messaging him because it was getting ridiculous.  I asked him if he was home yet, and he said that he would be the next day. I asked that he let me know when he can come over to bring my stuff and so we could talk about everything. He said he would. The next day, he explained he had car trouble so he couldn’t come over, but he could the following day. I asked if he at least made it home and wasn’t stranded on the interstate, and he confirmed that he made it home. I was a bit skeptical, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The next day, he asked if I was still open to talk 6:30/7 once I got off work. I said I was. He said that a friend was going to be waiting in the car while he was at my place (?). I was confused by this, so I asked if he was borrowing this friend’s car. He said that they were hanging out, so he brought him along. I told him around 6:30 that I was leaving work and would be there at 7. He stated that his friend couldn’t wait that long, so he was just going to leave my stuff and drop off his friend. I didn’t even realize he was at my house at 6:30. He sent me a picture of my stuff out in the open in front of my door. This upset me because anyone could have stolen my stuff and I told him that. He said that he was sorry he just had to drop off his friend, but he was willing to meet at a Starbucks halfway between us. I stated that I still had some of his belongings here and a letter I wanted to give him and I mostly just wanted to hear where his head was at. But by his actions, I could tell he wasn’t trying anymore, and I said so to him. I said if he wanted the letter to let me know. He just said that h heard where I was coming from and that he wished me the best. I thought about responding, but decided against it. I ended up burning the letter per recommendation of a few friends. Thank you to everyone who gave their respectful opinions and support. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

He (29M) flirted with someone else in front of me (28F), but he doesn’t feel it was wrong because he’s a “wingman”.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ew099/he_29m_flirted_with_someone_else_in_front_of_me/

18ew0uw

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/throwawayfoaway **My "geeky" girlfriend's (21 F, together 6 months) friends hate me (21 M), pretty sure one of them (23 M) has the hots for her.** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Controlling behavior, potential stalking!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/s9PipefXEn)  **Oct 4, 2014** I met my now girlfriend at our campus gym, I jokingly asked her to spot me, made a joke about me not being a big guy (I'm not) and somehow ended up getting her to go on a date with me after we were done. We've been together ever since. While I was getting to know her, she admitted to being a huge geek, I never would have guessed, but apparently her brother pretty much gave her a constant stream of stuff like that.  At the time I thought cool, we could play Xbox together or something. There actually wasn't a whole lot of overlap (besides some games like Halo).  She's into a lot of things I never paid attention to, including D&D, Final Fantasy, WoW, etc.  It's been pretty fun, and we still work out/run together all the time and she'll watch me play intramural sports.  We're going to do some co-ed leagues together, too. The only problem is that a small group of her friends hate the shit out of me.  I'll name the main problem guy "Bill."  There's been a couple of really passive-aggressive things him and his little group have done. 1) We were playing Destiny, and doing a strike (which is for three players.  It was Bill, my girlfriend and me.  He kept leaving the party and inviting her to a different party.  When she refused, he sent a text saying another one of their friends was on and wanted to play.  My girlfriend decided to just play with me and one of my friends. 2) My girfriend has a nice apartment  I'm probably over there five nights a week, including Saturdays.  On Saturday, they have a D&D party basically.  Some of her friends who play, including Bill, come over and play D&D.  Bill complained about all of the people who come over and don't play (everyone else just drinks and has a good time).  My girlfriend told him to get over it because everyone else has a good time. 3) Another video-game related issue, my girlfriend had all of us play Diablo 3 hardcore, Her, Bill, Me, and "Ryan" (who is actually a good guy).  I was having a little fun, basically making my girlfriend hold my hand through the game, Bill ran ahead and got killed.  He was PISSED.  4)  He invited my girlfriend to a concert with him and his closer friends after I had already bought the tickets for us to go and have her see my family again (the festival is in my hometown).  My girlfriend told him that we might see him there and he asked if we would even be together that long (it's in December). 5) This one's probably the most egregious, yesterday he literally sent a text to me saying I'm "hogging" my girlfriend.  I sent something saying that if she didn't want to hang out with me so much she wouldn't, he replied I didn't have to do everything with my girlfriend, and that it was annoying people. I'm positive he has a crush on her.  My girlfriend's told me that she grew up with him, but never really liked him, that he was a part of the group and she'd rather not make a fuss (she's pretty non-confrontational).  I don't think I can really blame him for having a crush on her, she's a beautiful girl and all, but I definitely think he's been nothing but an ass this whole time.  Fortunately, I'm not very threatened, mainly because he isn't my girlfriend's type physically (if what I look like is anything to go off of).      Should I just ignore him? Tldr-Girlfriend's friends hate me, one of them has a crush on her, but I'm confident she'd never reciprocate.  Should I just ignore it? [Update 1 -My "geeky" girlfriend's (21 F, together 6 months) friends hate me (21 M), pretty sure one of them (23 M) has the hots for her. A lot of her friends ended up having a problem with me, they're not friends anymore.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/WTHiM1RacS)  **Oct 9, 2014** Well, those of you that said just wait and let him "escalate" things, he did just that.  Something I ate must have given me food poisoning two days ago, so she's been taking care of me for the few days (if that's not intimacy I don't know what is).  She got a call from Bill, who was at her apartment with some of her friends (she pretty much has an open door policy, people drop by unannounced all the time.) She went to go meet them, apparently they decided to have some sort of "intervention" basically saying what Bill had said to me earlier in text, that I didn't have to do everything with them and that we spend too much time together.  It escalated because my girlfriend got angry, and they aren't friends anymore.  My girlfriend came home crying, I did my best to comfort her, and we haven't heard from them since yesterday. Apparently there were a few more people (including some of her female friends in that group) that she's been really close with who had a problem with us, but most of her friends didn't bother taking a side. How do I support her through this?  She's lost a relatively large chunk of friends, and even if they weren't great friends, they were the people she shared her hobbies with.  Obviously if she wants to do anything with me I'll do it with her, but I can't replace all of them.  She's not crying anymore, she's just angry at this point.  Advice would be great. Tldr-Bill and his friends (as well as a few that are closer to her) basically gave her an ultimatum, and she chose me.  How to be there for her/ maybe even help her find new friends who share interests? [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/idfACbe89p)  **Oct 13, 2014** "John" another one of her original D&D buddies from high school, sent my girlfriend an email asking if they could talk with us yesterday.  We agreed, honestly thinking that they might apologize. They actually decided to tell my girlfriend that they'd still like to be friends, and that they didn't have to be friends with me to be friends with her.  My girlfriend said she understood that, but wasn't even sure if she still wanted to be friends.  They actually apologized for "putting her in that position" the other day when they tried an "intervention."  She still said the only way that they could ever be friends again was to apologize to me and her. I really don't know why, I had to ask what they didn't like about me.  They told me, and honestly some of their points had a little merit, and I'll probably have to work on them. * I only met my girlfriend because I was physically attracted to her, and decided to talk to her (I don't think this is a legitimate criticism). * I spend too much time with my girlfriend, which I do, but like I said in the previous post, it's something we both currently want, and I've never told her to hang out with me over them or something. * I only talk to my girlfriend when we're all in a group.  I guess I do tend to do that, I see how that's annoying when we're having a conversation no one else is a part of. * They feel like I've had my girlfriend kick them out before.  She has a few times so we could be together, both times I didn't tell her to. * Apparently I've taken advantage of her.  She turned 21 before me, so I would always give her cash so she could go run up to the ABC store and get whatever we wanted to drink that night.  On one night (this was when we were first dating and still using them) I asked her to get condoms because we ran out.  Apparently they were there with her, and she was really embarrassed about it.  I definitely thanked her, she didn't seem upset about it at the time, and when I talked to her after we left I apologized for putting her in a place she felt uncomfortable. * Apparently my friends that came over made a few jokes about D&D, and made them feel uncomfortable.  I actually apologized for this (although I'm probably not going to say anything to them, we weren't really more than acquaintances). * Bill  heard a story (and thus told it to the rest of the group) from one of my few high school friends (who I might actually talk to about this) who came to this school about a few of the girls I dated in high school, and that I had a nasty habit of leading girls on in high school.  I did, but my senior year my mom and my older sister sat me down and told me to cut the shit out and treat women with more respect, so I did.  I've told my girlfriend about this, I consider it to be one of the more important moments of my life. Anyways, we left, my girlfriend and I talked it over, she's still not going to forgive them if they don't apologize to both of us, she said she doesn't want to spend any less time with me, and sent an email pretty much saying that to them.  Two of the six have already apologized by way of a phone call.  I should note that Bill wasn't there, I think he's out of town for whatever reason, not sure if he'll apologize or not. I wanted some advice on how to be around the group that did/will apologize. The two girls in the group are her friends that usually come over multiple times a week, as opposed to the D&D group who came over once a week.  I think the girls will probably start inviting her out more as opposed to hanging out in her apartment.  I really don't think that, if they continue playing D&D, that they'll be able to hang out somewhere else.  My girlfriend's said that she'd be willing to move the D&D night (with the people that have apologized), and have everyone just come over Saturday.  If I am with her normally when they play, should I just leave?  I felt like I could have done that earlier, but knowing that they really don't like me makes me feel uncomfortable, even if I'm pretty sure she wouldn't put up with it.  The fact that (from what I've gathered so far) that Bill gathered that info about me from my high school friend makes me uneasy.  I don't have anything to hide, but he basically "researched" me.  I haven't said anything about this because I do want my girlfriend to have her friends back. I think our relationship is still doing really great, we had a lot of fun this weekend before they asked to meet us. I also wanted to apologize for posting so much, I'm not terribly close with my friends, I can't really talk to them about this, and it' also nice to get some outside perspectives on everything. Tldr- We met, they are/have started apologizing to us.  I'm nervous Bill (who dug up some "dirt" on me (that I had already told my girlfriend about) might try something else, but I want her to have her friends. **RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO** **JancariusSeiryujinn** >I would have been really pissed if someone's SO at my games had his friends over and they made fun of me and my friends for playing D&D.  To the point of "Not welcome here anymore" **OOP** >>They're not coming over again, I just won't invite them. * **T_esakii** >I definitely think Bill was an instigator in all of this, but for just a moment try to see it from the rest of their points of view. >"Hey reddit! We have this friend that we love to play D&D with. She has a new SO, and they seem to really like each other. However, she seems to always spend her time with him, including on our game nights. We try to talk to him, but he basically ignores us. On top of that, his friends made fun of us one night and he didn't stand up to them, which you think he would since his gf loves playing D&D! One of the other group members said he used to be a huge womanizer a few years ago. When we tried to talk to her about it, she just got really mad and is demanding an apology to the both of them. What should I do?" >I'm not exactly defending them, but everyone on here seems to be jumping down their throats as well. From your point of view they are being unreasonable, but from their point of view you are being a jerk. I don't know what the "intervention" was actually like, but can you at least see why some of them might have been concerned? They probably took it a little too far (with Bill leading the way, I'm sure), but you aren't faultless either. >I think you need to drop Bill, and then try to get to know them all individually instead of lumping them into "her D&D group." Having everything be relayed through other people is a little juvenile. Maybe try to just grab coffee with one or two of them? Or have them try to teach you to play. >Essentially, what I'm trying to say, is don't make your gf push her friends away because of one idiot. **OOP** >>I definitely plan on making an effort with the ones that apologized, I think the reason I never talked to them so much was that they were probably a little hesitant around me, and I just took that as them not really wanting a conversation. >>I never heard my friends saying anything, if I did I would have said something (even if it's just a little defense) because of my girlfriend. >>Huh, I've never really been called a womanizer before.  It wasn't really the number, so much as the way that I treated my two high school girlfriends.  I didn't really care for  them, but I couldn't say no to either of them when they offered sex, it was just so easy to say yes.  I still feel terrible about it. >>But yeah, I think I will try to view them more as individuals.  I don't think I'd immediately offer to play with them for a while unless things go well and they want me to (I'm really not interested in playing). >>I really don't think I've forced her into doing anything.  Unfortunately, Bill ended up apologizing, so I just feel like I'll keep an eye on him for now. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My "geeky" girlfriend's (21 F, together 6 months) friends hate me (21 M), pretty sure one of them (23 M) has the hots for her.

INCONCLUSIVE

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ew0uw/my_geeky_girlfriends_21_f_together_6_months/

18ew444

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [meh12398](https://www.reddit.com/user/meh12398/). They posted in r/roadtrip A nice low-stakes palate cleanser for you in the midst of more dramatic posts. **Mood Spoiler:** >!the right choice is made!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/roadtrip/comments/189kutl/are_we_delusional/)**: December 2, 2023** My family is moving from Texas Gulf Coast region to Idaho, about 2 hours out of Idaho Falls. We’re leaving the week before Christmas. We have a 2.5yo and a 3mo. I breastfeed the baby. We are planning on driving straight through, my husband and I switching off shifts. When we stop for gas/potty/food, I will feed the baby while hubby plays with toddler and runs around with her. We also only have one car, a small hatchback that barely fits all of us with the car seats in, and we’ll be pulling a small U-Haul trailer. This means the whole trip, we won’t be able to drive over 55mph realistically. This is literally what we can afford to do, no budget for hotels or nice meals. We’re packing a cooler full of stuff for sandwiches, salads, hard boiled eggs, etc. and a big bag of snacks for the toddler. The move will put us in a much better financial position once we get there, but getting there we are stretching to our absolute limits. How crazy are we? Any recommendations for ways to make it somewhat easier? We’ll have a tent if we need to stop for some rest on public camping land, but with us all being from Texas I doubt we’d be able to really handle the cold on that drive to sleep outside. ***Relevant Comments:*** *This comment exchange:* Commenter: This is literally 24 hours, going from...basically a desert. Straight into several feet of snow in the mountains. ...in a small hatchback (I'm just assuming a Honda Fit) ...dragging a trailer ...in the winter If you don't have AWD/4x4, fresh winter tires, tire chains, emergency kit for below freezing... \*and knowledge of winter drive in bad to very bad conditions. This is suicide...and with kids? If you legit aren't properly equipped, nor have the necessary experience/training for the weather. This is straight up child endangerment... OOP: Both my husband and I have experience driving in the snow, ice and mountains. We’ve both spent considerable time in Idaho and Utah in the winter. He went to college in the area and I have a lot of family in the area whom I’ve visited several times throughout my life and drove during all those visits, which typically took place around Christmas. Our car will have the correct equipment for the weather, including fresh winter tires, new brakes, and the emergency kit for breaking down with relevant gear for the weather. We take our family’s safety very seriously. ETA: Ford Focus, not a Honda Fit. I know nothing about the cars so idk the difference there but thought it may be relevant. *Most commenters say they're crazy and should get a hotel* **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/roadtrip/comments/189vncz/ok_so_we_were_delusional_update/)**: December 3, 2023 (Next Day)** **Title:** Ok, so we were delusional I made a post last night about driving with my family straight from the gulf coast region of Texas to Idaho without stopping to sleep, just switching out drivers. Thank y’all for the reality check. We won’t be doing that. Here’s our updated plan for anyone who may want to know. I have family in Arizona, so instead of going through Albuquerque, we will stop the first night in Tucson. We’ll stay there until we’re well rested, then drive from there to my family’s in SLC, where we will rest until ready to make the final 4-hour drive. I know that’s still going to be two really long days of driving, but it’s significantly more manageable. We’ll also be leaving next week instead of trying to wait as long as we originally planned, so hopefully going earlier we will have a better chance at beating the really bad weather. There were a few assumptions made from that post I’d like to address in case people are worried about the kids. 1. We are very aware of the child safety risks of babies being in car seats too long without being readjusted. We intend to stop every two hours to feed baby and let toddler wonder with dad while I feed baby. During this time, we will top off the gas, eat, go potty, stretch, etc. Yes, they will be long stops, but our kids’ safety is our top priority. 2. No, I’m not going to leave the baby in the car seat and try to twist my body to feed the baby while my husband drives? That was a wild one. We would absolutely stop at a gas station or Walmart or something where toddler can safely roam holding dad’s hand and I can pull baby out of the car seat to feed baby the way I normally would. 3. I have a family member who runs a car dealership who has had the maintenance crew prep our vehicle for the drive. This includes weather-appropriate tires, fresh breaks, oil change, and I’m sure other stuff idk because cars aren’t my specialty. 4. The maintenance crew also verified with the hitch we are getting and how small the trailer we will be using is, along with how few things will be inside that trailer, our car will be able to safely tow without coming close to max towing capacity. For those who offered to help house us for a night, thank you very much. That is very kind and I hope you have a wonderful holiday season full of blessings. We won’t be taking up any of those offers, but we greatly appreciated the kindness expressed in the offer. Thanks again to everyone for the reality check about trying to do that drive without stopping for long rest a few times. I hope this new plan puts some of you at ease. **Edit: OOP posted this comment today (December 10, 2023)** "We decided to ship our stuff (we really don’t have a lot. 2 boxes through UPS.) and follow this route without the trailer! We got to my family in Arizona’s last night, and we are spending the day with them and staying another night here to give the kiddos a break from our car. Tomorrow morning we will head to SLC and spend the night there. Then we’ll drive to Idaho Falls and take a few hours break at some family’s house there. Then it’s just 2 hours to our final destination!"

Are we delusional? A cross-country trip plan

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ew444/are_we_delusional_a_crosscountry_trip_plan/

18ex73a

**I am NOT the original poster. That is** [u/St23mv](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/). He posted in r/AITAH and r/Advice and his own page. # This is a LONG post. Kitten Dealin' Mama posted the Original BORU posts [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16p4ipv/aitah_for_insisting_on_living_with_my_dad_to/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16cugpw/aitah_for_insisting_on_living_with_my_dad_to/). I have their permission to post this. **New Posts start with \*\*\*\*\*** **Trigger Warning:** >!parental neglect, custody issues, blended family issues!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!sad; I want to give OOP a hug!< **Because the first few posts are on previous BORU's, I have included a TLDR for each one. If you want to see the full posts, click on the links to the old BORUs above.** **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15wre32/aitah_for_insisting_on_living_with_my_dad_to/)**: August 20, 2023** **TLDR of the first post:** OOP, a 15-year-old boy, currently lives with his mom. He's a smart kid and really focused on getting into a top university. One of the things that would help would be for him to go to a better school. His dad (newly remarried and with 2 new step-sons) lives in a great school district, so OOP wants to move in with him during the week. (He already stays with dad on weekends.) Dad refuses and says there is limited space and that it would cause issues in the new family dynamic. OOP explains that he spends a lot of time doing extra curricular activities and would barely be around but dad still says no. OOP asks his grandparents for help in convincing dad but dad just gets angrier. *In the comments:* >the issue is he moved into her house. You may have no problem sharing a bedroom with your step brother, but maybe he does. It's his room. *A few people have this argument. OP points out a* [similar post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15ne57c/update_aita_for_not_allowing_my_stepson12m_to/) *where everyone found the step mom at fault and thought the step son should move in:* **AITA for not allowing my stepson(12M) to live with us** *There really a few people who think he's being selfish but the overall judgment is Not The Asshole* **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15yn86x/update_aitah_for_insisting_on_living_with_my_dad/)**: August 22, 2023 (2 days later)** **TLDR:** OOP plans to spend the weekend with his dad as usual, but his dad cancels a weekend visit and excludes him from going to an amusement park with the rest of the new family. Dad even posts on instagram with the two step-sons and captions it "me and my boys." OOP gets angry and tells dad he's cutting off communication and dad doesn't need to spend time with him anymore. He feels replaced and refuses to talk, mom is not pleased and dad says he's acting like a child. **UPDATE (Same Post)** He sent a lot of messages last night. He's saying that we need to talk in person, that I'm misunderstanding everything. He came over early this morning, but I told my mom I didn't want to talk to him and locked myself in my room. He wants to come tonight to talk. **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1621l5x/update_2_aitah_for_insisting_on_living_with_my/) **2: August 26, 2023 (4 days later)** **TLDR:** OOP speaks with both parents about what has been happening. He apologizes for swearing at his dad and his grounded for 3 weeks. His dad is disappointed because OOP talked to other family members and didn't respect his decision. He also says there are going to be changes in the new family dynamic but that he'll do his best with OOP. OOP explains why he was hurt by the instagram caption and is still hurt that dad doesn't seem to view his education as important. He feels like his wants and needs are never a priority with dad. Dad says circumstances have changed and that visitation may not be as regular for awhile, but when OOP reminds him that that's Dad putting others first again, dad says OOP is welcome whenever and invites OOP over for the weekend. OOP says no, feeling unwelcome at the moment. OOP appreciates the support but is unsure about the future with his dad's new family. Edit: As I mentioned, I'm grounded right now, so I don't have much time to respond. I just wanted to say that I think you guys are being a bit hard on my dad and my mom. My mom didn't punish me when I slammed the door in her face and locked myself in my room in the middle of the week. She knew I could get upset, like I did during the week, and the conversation wouldn't lead anywhere, as is normal with us teenagers. She stood by me, for example, in the situation with the photo. So cut them some slack, she's trying to maintain a balance between supporting me and exercising parental control. Of course, I don't like to be grounded and don't agree totally, but she has her points. I'm still sad about the situation with my dad. But I see that part of the conversation was positive, he told me to forget about the every other weekend thing and that I can go whenever I want. He's been sending me messages, even my 13-year-old stepbrother messaged me inviting me over. So I can see that he's making an effort, but I didn't want to go over there this week. That's why I said I'm in a bit of a dilemma. At the same time, I don't feel comfortable going to his house, but I've seen an effort from him in these last few days after the conversation. And if I don't go, I'll never build a relationship and feel more at ease. *In the comments:* >About his mom not letting him talk/express his feelings She just wants to teach me how to control my behavior. Whenever I started talking fast or getting nervous, she would tell me to stop, take a deep breath, and then go on. I can say anything as long as I maintain respect for the authority at hand; in both cases, the authority was my dad. I swore, so I didn't maintain respect and was punished I didn't respect my dad's response and even exposed something of a personal nature to others, so I was punished. I've learned my lesson and won't repeat the mistake. **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16diiqm/update_3_aitah_for_insisting_on_living_with_my/) **3: September 8, 2023 (about 2 weeks later)** **TLDR:** OOP thanks everyone for their help and thanks BORU. He doesn't stay grounded and he and his mom talk a lot. Dad continues to make an effort and messages him daily. OOP goes to their stepmom's house and says he realizes he was acting spoiled by trying to move there. He realizes that his presence there impacts everyone in the house, especially his step-brother when they have to share a room. To quote: "My stepmom married my dad with certain expectations for their life, and suddenly, I unilaterally wanted to change that life. And they probably can't afford a bigger house in the same neighborhood to accommodate me ... I think I was too focused on the ends justifying the means. I value my education a lot, so I was trying to force a situation that would, at the very least, be unpleasant. I was also selfish when I demanded that my dad include me in everything, like in the photo at the amusement park. I still don't like what he wrote, but he'll have to have moments alone with my stepbrothers." *In the comments:* >Your dad still has to provide decent accommodation for his custody time and that means a proper bed. OP: I sleep on a mattress, but my dad said they're going to buy a bunk bed and so on. >I’m sorry you are being forced to make the sacrifices for everyone around you. OP: But the other alternative would be for other people to make sacrifices for me. So, it's better for one person to make a sacrifice than for everyone else to do it **\*\*\*\*\*Venting** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/comments/16r5cc3/venting_1/)**: September 24, 2023 (16 days later)\*\*\*\*\*** I'm going to write here to vent!!! I'm feeling really bad about myself. My dad wanted to see me only every other weekend, and I argued with him about it, but now I don't want to go to his house. If I say I don't want to go there, he will be sad with me, like any parent would in this situation. But I'm not feeling well there. Yesterday when I arrived at my dad's house, he had bought a new car, and I couldn't be happy for him, and I feel terrible about it. I should be happy that my dad is improving his life, but I can't. I must be a terrible person. When I saw that he still hasn't bought the bunk bed for me but bought a car, I really didn't understand. Shouldn't the priority have been the bunk bed, which is infinitely cheaper? I really don't know, I must have been spoiled all my life when I was the only child of my dad and mom, and now that I have to share attention, etc., I don't know how to handle it. It must be in my head, but I think maybe they don't want to make me feel comfortable there. If they buy a bed for me, they might think they will be obligated to let me move in, and they don't want me to move there. They also don't let me leave my clothes at the house. Before, I had a complete room in my dad's old house, so I left many things there. Since I have nowhere to leave my clothes there, I now go back to my mom's house on Sunday nights. Before, my dad often picked me up on Friday nights and dropped me off at school on Mondays. I also constantly feel alone there, even though there are four other people in the house, and I'm afraid I'm bothering them, afraid I'm doing something wrong. I don't feel free to do anything there. Maybe things will get better, I don't know. Maybe it's just an adjustment phase. But I'm feeling tired, pressured. I put myself in a very difficult situation by forcing myself to be there every weekend. Today, I even came to the house earlier. I told my dad that I was feeling unwell and asked my mom to pick me up. Just for information, my mom and I moved to my grandparents' house so we wouldn't have to pay rent anymore. ***Relevant Comment:*** "A friend of mine gave me the idea of trying to find a weekend job. That way, I can help out with expenses at home or save up for college and won't need to go to my dad's house. I'm going to talk to my grandpa to see if he knows of any job openings or if he could ask some of his friends if they're aware of any opportunities for me." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/comments/171u6ox/update_100623/) **4: October 6, 2023 (12 days later)** Last week was ok at my dad's place, but I really can't feel comfortable there ever since we had that argument. I called him for a private conversation last Sunday and told him that I wanted to start working, but it would be on weekends, so I'd have a harder time seeing him. He didn't mind; he said it's about time I start working to take on some responsibility. A friend managed to get me a job. I'll be doing the same job as him, but he'll work from Monday to Thursday, and I'll work from Friday to Sunday. I started today, and he worked with me to teach me the ropes. I'm going to try to save up as much money as I can for college. Right now, I'm juggling a lot of things, and there's not much time left for resting/myself, but I know it's an effort I'm making that will pay off in the future when I achieve my goals. On Thursday, the girl I like asked me out. I wanted to say yes, but at the moment, I don't have the time to date. I need to keep my focus on what truly matters. I felt a bit sad turning her down, and also I'm a little afraid of missing out on my youth. On the other hand, I know I still have plenty of time to date someone. Unfortunately, she didn't take kindly to my refusal, and today, she didn't want to do an activity with me and said she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I'm not sure if I said something wrong; I'm trying to understand, but she's really upset because I said my focus right now is on more important things for my future. I don't know how my relationship with my dad will be now that I'm choosing to distance myself a bit. I love him a lot, and I hope this space we'll have serves to help both of us better understand our relationship in this new context of him being married. I hope he doesn't forget that even though I won't be as present, I still want to be a part of his life. **Supplementary Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/173h1vv/aitah_for_not_helping_my15m_stepbrother_13m_with/)**: October 8, 2023 (2 days from last post)** **Title:** AITAH for not helping my(15M) stepbrother (13M) with his exam? *(OOP recaps his living situation at the beginning of the post)* Normally, I used to spend weekends with my dad, but I started working on weekends to save money for college, so I won't be going there every weekend anymore. Last night, my dad messaged me asking if I could help my stepbrother with the test he's taking this Friday. My dad knows I'm a great student – I was the top of my class last year – so he thought I could assist my stepbrother. Additionally, I initiated a volunteer program at school to help junior high students. However, I told my dad that I wouldn't help my stepbrother. I explained that I'm involved in various extracurricular activities, so I don't have time, and it's not feasible for me to go to his house to assist. My dad said he would pick me up every day after school and bring me back after dinner. He emphasized how crucial it was for my stepbrother to do well on the test because my stepmom wants to enroll him in a good prep school. I got upset about this because when I asked to live with them for a better school, education wasn't a top priority for my dad. I replied that I wouldn't help them at all because they didn't help me when I needed it. He responded by saying that I'm not helping our family integrate and that I should act like an older brother. He believes this would only harm my relationship with my stepbrother. He mentioned that he would call me the next day for a conversation. Today, I went to work, and when I got home, my mom asked to talk. She said my dad talked to her about me helping my stepbrother, and she thought I should help him. She mentioned that if I don't, my stepbrother might become resentful, which could affect our relationship forever. Even though we are not blood related, we're now a family, and we should act like one, according to her. I told my mom that I didn't feel they acted like a family when they didn't want me to move in. She said the decision was mine, and she wouldn't interfere, but she believed I was wrong and that this was my chance to show my dad's new family that I consider them my family too. My mom and I live with my grandparents. My grandpa noticed that my mom and I had a serious conversation, and I told him what happened. He said the decision was mine, but it would indeed harm my relationship with my dad's new family. My dad called me, and I told him I wouldn't help my stepbrother, and my stepmom could hire a tutor. He said he'd pay me to go if that was the issue, but I said that wasn't the problem; the problem was that he didn't give the same importance to my education. My dad said the problem is that I always think of myself and that I'd eventually realize I was wrong, expressing his disappointment in me. He said he helps me with my education to the best of his ability, just as he's trying to assist my stepbrother, and it's my stepmom who wants my stepbrother to attend a prep school. He mentioned that if I change my mind, I could call him, and he'd pick me up. I still think I'm right. They didn't help me when I asked for it, so I have no reason to help them. AITA? Update: I talked to my stepbrother, and he said he's in trouble because my stepmom saw the grades he got on the previous assessments, and now he needs to do really well on the test to make up some points. He told that my dad saw my stepmom scolding him and suggested that I could help, but if I can't, it's okay. He said he's used to this situation but that my stepmom is now trying to force him to be a good student. So, I believe I'm ok with my stepbrother, then there is no reason to help my dad. **UPDATE 2 (Same Post): October 9, 2023 (Next Day)** A Redditor suggested the idea of doing online tutoring. So I asked my stepbrother if he was up for it online, and he said yes.I talked to my dad that we're going to do online tutoring, and if he doesn't want to, then he should hire a tutor for my stepbrother. I also mentioned that I'm only doing this for my stepbrother, not for him. ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/comments/178w607/update_10152023/) **5: October 15, 2023** I talked to my stepbro and provided online tutoring. I'll give more details below. He told me that my stepmom hired a counselor to help him get into college, and he's still in middle school. Anyway, the counselor advised him to aim for a prep school in high school, so he needs to maintain good grades this year, which is why he needed to do well on the test on Friday. My dad, knowing this, suggested that I could give him tutoring to help. I got upset with my dad for saying I could help my stepbro without consulting me first. Anyway, I did this online lesson with my stepbro because I felt sorry for him. And he knows his stuff; he's much smarter than I am. It's just my dad and stepmom who made a big deal out of this test. I just answered a few questions he had and told him he could message me if he wanted more help. But he didn't ask for more help. I made it clear to my dad that I was helping my stepbro, but not because of him. I told my dad that he acted wrongly by saying he would do something without consulting me first. The next day, my dad responded, saying they no longer need my help, but he regretted that I didn't genuinely want to help because it was a good opportunity to become closer to my stepbro. He said they're going to hire a tutor to help my stepbro prepare for some test that he need to take for these schools. Today, my dad and my stepbrothers picked me up from work and took me to my stepmom's house to show me a surprise. The surprise was the bunk bed that my dad finally bought. When we were alone, my stepbrother gave me some money and said it was for the online lesson. I said I wouldn't accept it because I did it because I wanted to help, not for money. He said that both of us know I need the money, so I should accept it. I didn't like the way he said he knew I needed the money; I felt belittled, maybe it's just in my mind, but I accepted the money. On the way back, my dad said that my stepbrothers' dad is the one paying for the counselor and will pay for the school. He said that unfortunately, he can't provide me with the same opportunities that stepbros have, but he's been trying to do the best he can. I didn't say anything. I stayed silent. He knows that I asked to live with him because of the school, and he keeps insisting that he's doing his best to provide me with opportunities. Every time he says that, I have to hold back from cursing him out. ***Relevant Comment:*** "I understand my dad, and I'm not angry with him for not having the same means as my stepbros' dad. I'm also not envious of my stepbros. I know my place, I know how the world works, but I still get upset when he says he does his best to help me when the one thing I asked for, he didn't do." **Supplemental Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/comments/17x6s4c/little_stepbro_birthday_but_it_was_not_a_good/) **2: November 16, 2023 (1 month later)** **Editor's note:** OOP wrote a few posts in between this time periods explaining that he got into a higher level math class and tested highly on an IQ test. However, he asked his mom not to share that result with others (including dad) because of the expectations people might put on him. He expresses that he doesn't want to be treated differently. To quote- "I just want to continue my path to college and help out at home as much as I can. I don't want anyone treating me differently or expecting big things from me just because of a test." **Actual post:** Today was my stepbrother's birthday, he turned 9. My dad came by to pick me up so we could celebrate. I was glad that I managed to buy him a gift with my work money. I'm not exactly sure if he liked it, but I hope he did. On the flip side, I got into another argument with my dad. My mom told him about my results even though I asked her not to. I was expecting her to spill so I wasn't caught off guard. Dad said he was proud of the results. The issue is, he got really upset that I didn't want to share them with him. He used it to ask what else I don't tell him or my mom, questioned if I'm using drugs and alcohol. I told him no, and he kept pressuring me aggressively. He insisted that my reluctance to show him the results indicates there must be a lot more I'm hiding. He said he lost trust and told my mom to keep a close eye on me. I told him I've never caused any trouble at home or school and that he could trust that everything would stay that way, and that he was being unfair in treating me that way. I tried explaining that I just don't want people to know the results because, except for psychologists, nobody really interprets them correctly. He kept insisting that as my father, I should trust him. I apologized and said he was right. I think I messed up for real because my mom and dad should be the people I can trust, and wanting to exclude him was really wrong and unfair. But at the time, I was pretty upset, and I ended up being quite annoyed at my stepbrother's celebration, even though I thought I was disguising my annoyance. It got to the point where my stepmom took me aside and said I might as well not have come if I was going to look upset. Result: a terrible night for me. I keep making the wrong choices and ruining moments that could be enjoyable for me. ***Relevant Comment:*** *Your dad is REALLY projecting* "I don't like talking about it, but there's probably a lot of projection going on. My mom got pregnant during senior year of high school, and they decided to keep the pregnancy. They could have aborted me. It would have been much easier for them. So, I figure my dad is really scared that I might get involved with drugs or get someone pregnant. He always talks about sex and using protection, and yesterday was the first time he got really aggressive with me about drugs and alcohol. I think he's really scared." **Happier Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/comments/17ylqs3/two_surprises/)**: November 18, 2023 (2 days later)** My little stepbro's birthday was on Thursday, but today they threw a party at home. I even took off work to go; they said they really wanted me there. The first surprise was before the party; they gathered me and my stepbros and said they had some big news. And the news was huge and surprising: My stepmom is pregnant!!! That's right, I'm going to have a half-sibling now!!! We still don't know the gender, as they found out about the pregnancy just this week. I was really caught off guard because I didn't expect my dad to want another child. The second surprise was during the party. My stepmom said she wanted to say a few words. I figured she was going to announce the pregnancy, and she did, but she also said she wanted to take the opportunity to mention that the party was for me too since my birthday is coming up. She said she's very proud to be my stepmom and that I'm a really good kid. I was genuinely surprised and touched because she had never said that to me before. I don't know if she said it just to please my dad, but I really appreciated her saying what she did in front of her family, who has nothing to do with me. Anyway, now I'm going to have a little brother or sister, and I don't even know what to think. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was a real big surprise **Some Answers** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/comments/1842qdt/i_went_on_a_trip_with_my_dad/)**: November 25, 2023 (1 week later)** My dad asked if I wanted to travel with him to spend some father-son time this Thanksgiving. My stepbrothers are with their father, so it would be the first time in a while that it would just be me and my dad, and I agreed. I really wanted this time with him because there were a lot of things I wanted to talk about, especially with a baby coming next months. The most important part of the trip was that we talked about everything. He brought up the conflicts we've had this year. He started by apologizing, saying he thinks he's been treating me like a child when, in reality, I'm almost an adult. I partly agreed with him. Even though I'm almost 16, just two years away from being an adult, I still feel more like a child than an adult because I have very little life experience. He said that since we discussed me moving in with him, we've grown apart, and he wasn't completely honest with me about moving in. He was willing to tell me everything now. He revealed that he was taken by surprise when I asked to move in with him. He never thought I'd want to live with him because I'm so close to my mom. He had even told my stepmom before they got married that I wouldn't want to live with them, so it was a surprise for her too. He shared that he talked a lot with my stepmom about what to do. He told me a secret, asking me not to tell my stepmom or stepbrothers. The main reason I didn't move in was that my older stepbrother didn't like him and had disciplinary issues at school in the last year. I think my stepbro probably didn't like me either, but my dad didn't want to say, and I didn't ask. That's also why he has been trying to be very present in my stepbrothers' lives. Since the marriage was recent and my dad and stepbrother were already having some problems since they were dating, my dad and stepmom thought it would be bad to "force" my stepbrother to accept me moving into his room. They even took their time to buy bunk beds so that it wouldn't be too imposed on my stepbrother. He didn't tell me earlier because he didn't want me to somehow get angry with my stepbrother, and my stepmom doesn't want others to know about the problems my stepbrother is having at school. He also talked about the puberty issue, saying it would be difficult for both me and my stepbrother to give up privacy. He mentioned that because of these school behavior and relationship issues, he tried to get me to help my stepbrother. My dad and stepmom thought it was a good opportunity for us to get closer, and for him to have an example of someone roughly the same age with responsibility and good behavior, but he thought he made a mistake in how he asked me. I also shared my feelings amid all this. I said I felt like they prioritized other things over my potential future, as if my future didn't matter to them. He said absolutely not, and that's why they talked so much. He even consulted a private counselor, who told him that being one of the best students in a weaker school could be enough for me to get into a good college. So they concluded that my stepbrother needed more support than me. He apologized for not knowing how to help me with school, admitting he never thought about going to college. He said he knows nothing about applications. He almost cried at this point. The part about asking me to teach my stepbrother didn't convince me much. However, overall, I was satisfied with our conversation. At another point, I asked him why they wanted to have another child. He said my stepmom is older than him, and they wanted a child, but the closer to 40 she gets, the riskier it becomes, so they decided to have one right now. I asked how they plan to handle the house since there's no room for the baby. He said they haven't decided completely but might move. He mentioned that age differences make it complicated for any children to share rooms. I asked how they plan to buy a new house. He said they'll sell the current one and buy a new one. I insisted, asking how they plan to afford a bigger house, and he told me not to worry; they'll figure it out. I asked why they didn't think about buying a new house for me when I asked to live with them. He reiterated the difficulties of adaptation they were already facing and said that moving and putting me in the house would increase the difficulties. I disagreed with his view, but I felt he was telling the truth. I told him not to worry about buying a house with many rooms, that in a few years, I'll be in college, and right now, I prefer to stay with my mom. The trip was really nice, but I woke up with a fever today, and he brought me back to my mom's house. Let's see if I improve in the next few days. He said he really wants to teach me to drive as soon as I turn 16. **Fuck You Dad** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/St23mv/comments/18a91cb/now_ive_really_given_up_on_my_dad_fuck_you_dad/)**: December 3, 2023 (1 week later- 3.5 months from OG post)** I was sooo happy with my dad since we traveled together and had open conversations about everything. But the reality is, he really couldn't care less about me!!! He called to tell me he couldn't start teaching me to drive today or next week. That's fine, no rush to learn. I took the opportunity to ask him for a new laptop for my birthday, since I haven't received any gifts from him, and the laptop I'm using is from 2015 and used to belong to my mom. The laptop is in pretty bad shape. He said he wouldn't get me a laptop, that I already got 2 birthday presents from him: the trip and the "party" my stepmom threw for my younger stepbro, and he said they were also celebrating my birthday. I told him neither of those was a gift for me, that I didn't ask for them, and the party had none of my friends. How could it be a party for me??? He said I was being ungrateful, that he spent money on the trip, and I had said I liked it. But I didn't want a trip; I need a laptop!!! I mentioned that they bought a new iPad for my younger stepbro, even though he only uses it for YouTube or games. He said I needed to stop comparing myself to my stepbros and that the priority now is the baby. I hung up the call. I couldn't take it, and I cried. My grandparents overheard me arguing with my dad. They said they'll buy the laptop for me. I didn't want to accept, but I did. I hate my dad. He never prioritizes me. The people who said that are right. FUCK you, DAD!!! ***Relevant Comments:*** This time, my mom sided with me against my dad. I've already talked to my grandparents, saying we could split the payment for the laptop, but they said exactly what you have said: it will be the birthday and Christmas present!!! Regarding driving lessons, I've told my mom and my grandparents that they can teach me if they want to; I won't wait for my dad. Honestly, I'm tired of always being the one to give up what I want/need. They bought a $600 iPad for a 9-year-old boy!!!! It doesn't make sense.

New Update: AITAH for insisting on living with my dad to attend a better school?

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ex73a/new_update_aitah_for_insisting_on_living_with_my/

18fmrm1

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ThrowRA_BFDisappears **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice and her own page **My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional neglect, possible mental health issues!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/183tuyu/my_24f_boyfriend_27m_has_disappeared_every/) - **Nov 25, 2023** My boyfriend (27M) and I (24F) have been together for 3 years. We don't live together but are close enough to spend a lot of time together. However, it is very rare for us to spend a whole day together. When we have, it's been a weekday where our schedules have just happened to lineup (i.e., no work and no class). We have never spent a day on the weekend together. He works as a research assistant while getting his PhD. Every single weekend for the 3 years we've been together he insists he has work. I realize how stupid I've been now, but foolishly I trusted him. I trusted that he had work every single weekend for 3 years! That was, until today. I've been studying for finals and it's the toughest it's ever been, so I was craving some time with him. Just a day where we could kick back and relax with each other. Of course, he says he can't because he's working and I shut up about it. So, today I'm getting antsy anyway and hoping we could at least spend the evening together. I end up texting him, asking when he thinks he'll be back and we can spend the night. I've done this plenty of times before and he always responds fairly quick. This time I'm waiting for a while. After 2 hours I decide to text a workfriend of his who's also a research assistant with him. Wouldn't you know it, it turns out they don't have work today. In fact, he informs me in that same text that they rarely ever have work on weekends. RARELY EVER! So now, I'm sitting here wondering wtf is going on. I have no idea how to confront him about this. I mean, this has been going on for THREE YEARS!!! If he's cheating on me, he basically has a second family at this point! But obviously that's where my mind goes and I have no clue what else it could possible be. Like, is there any possible explanation for this besides cheating?? How in the world do I confront him about something he's been doing for 3 years??? Since he's doing whatever it is tomorrow, do I just drive over to his place in the morning and wait and then follow him? Has anyone had anything like this happen to them before?? TLDR: My BF of 3 years has been and continues to disappear every weekend for "work" but when I asked his coworker, it turns out he's been lying about it and I have no idea how to confront him. &nbsp; **SunnyGh0st:** I would just ask him first “hey, I texted your work friend while I was waiting for you to reply and he said you never work weekends.” Even if he’s not cheating he’s lying. Don’t stalk him, don’t play games. >**OP:** But what's stopping him from just lying again? Like, even if I confront him, he could just insist that he's working or come up with an excuse. The only proof I have is the text from his coworker, I feel like that might not be enough to get him to tell me the truth. Idk &nbsp; [Update #1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/187d4mj/update_my_24f_boyfriend_27m_has_disappeared_every/) - **Nov 30, 2023** So I logged into this account for the first time since making my original post and find that there are a LOT of messages. I haven't read them all but I will. The recent ones all ask for an update so here it is. When I logged off, things seemed to be pretty split on what I should do. Most people just decided to call him a cheater or say that I'm the side chick. Frankly, I wasn't sure I could wait another day to confront him, so I confronted him the night of that post - no games or stalking or anything. Anyway, I had texted him telling him to come over when his work was done and he did. I waited about 5 minutes (if that) for him to settle in before telling him that we needed to talk about something important. He immediately responded with "uh oh" which was a bit demeaning but that sarcastic response honestly matches his personality. I tell him everything that happened, how hurt I was, how I didn't feel like I could trust him about anything considering he's been doing this for three years, and then asked if he had anything to say. He told me he wasn't cheating on me or anything like that, he was just embarrassed about what he had been doing. I asked him what he could possibly be so embarrased about as to hide it and lie to me about it for 3 years. He takes like a minute to compose himself and then mutters something. He CLEARLY feels guilty but I obviously don't hear it so I ask him what he said cause I didn't hear. He tells me that he volunteers at a homeless shelter every weekend since coming here for his PhD. VOLUNTEERING AT A HOMELESS SHELTER??? I swear to you, whatever emotions are coming across here were multiplied 10x in the moment. I could not comprehend what he was saying. Like, he was embarrassed for volunteering at a homeless shelter??? It didn't (still doesn't) make ANY sense. So I asked him what he meant and he repeated that he volunteers at a homeless shelter for 6 hours on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday, every weekend. Of course I ask him why he would be embarrassed about that and he asks if we can talk about this more tomorrow (Sunday) and he can instead show me that he isn't lying by taking me to volunteer. I don't know what I was really thinking, I think my mind was just blank so I agreed with a sure and asked him to leave. He apologized for the whole thing and left and then sent a text that he'd pick me up in the morning so he can prove to me that he's not lying. Of course my mind races all night and I tossed and turned all night but Sunday came anyway, he wasn't lying. He takes me to a homeless shelter/soup kitchen place (I don't really know the difference) and we make food, clean, and pack daily necessities for 6 hours. It clearly isn't the place to have the conversation, so I spend most of my time doing the work and chatting with other people and they were really nice but of course the whole thing was still weighing on my mind the entire time so I start asking them about my boyfriend and they confirm that he's been working there as long as they remember and is there every weekend (he's been there longer than most of them it seems). Finally our volunteering ends and we head back to his car and I try to start the conversation but he shuts me down and asks me to wait until we get back to his place. I say fine (maybe I'm being a doormat here but I was just so confused and lost) and we head to his apartment. Once there, the talking begins. He asks if I believe that he's telling the truth about working at the homeless shelter every weekend and I say that I do since I confirmed it with a LOT of people while there, but I also said that I don't understand the lying, especially for as long as he did. He apologizes again and asks if I really want to know why he kept it a secret. I say of course (DUH). He sighs and then tells me that he doesn't like people knowing that he likes helping people. Obviously I'm going wtf because this is so weird and I ask him to explain. He tells me that when he was an undergrad student he would always try to help his class behind the scenes by discussing problems they had or negotiating for curves or extensions on their assignments even when he didn't personally need it. He said he enjoyed doing it and kept doing it as a Masters student but then started to do so before/after classes publicly. Apparently most of his classmates were still happy with him but a few basically hated him for it because he was babying them or something (???), so he went back to doing things behind the scenes and no longer tries to associate himself with any of the things he does to help others. Hopefully I'm not the only one who finds this so dang weird. Like the homeless shelter stuff and assisting your classmates aren't remotely the same?? I say as such and he tells me it does the same thing, it helps people so he doesn't like people to know about it because then they might misinterpret his intent and think he's masquerading as a good person. Then he assures me that he's NOT a good person at all but he still wants to do what he can for people so this is what he does (WTF). So I ask if he really thinks I would get mad that he's helping homeless people in his free time. He tells me he wasn't sure at first, especially since I wanted to spend weekends together when we were first going out (duh, every couple does), so he just lied to hide it at first but he knows I wouldn't do that now but kept the lie going because he thought it would be too weird to suddenly say that he's volunteering at a homeless shelter. I feel like I've come to the conclusion that he's just really, really weird. His way of thinking has always been odd, but this in particular is just so weird. Like, he seems to understand the situation and where I'm coming from but didn't think to tell me the truth on his own??? We started going in circles so I ended the conversation and had him drive me home in silence. Since then he's sent a number of texts and has tried to call me a few times. I didn't pick up on Monday or Tuesday because I felt like I needed time to think, but I finally picked up today and we had a talk in which we both reiterated what we had said. I know a LOT of people (literally all of them at this time) were telling me to breakup with him but I'm still thinking things through. I'm going to try and get him to hangout this weekend and make my decision after that I think some more. This whole thing has been so weird. I'm sorry that I've repeated that so much but my brain is still rather scrambled. I don't think there will be any more updates to this because we either stay together or breakup, but if there are, they won't be posted here. TLDR: Boyfriend volunteers at a homeless shelter every weekend and was too embarrassed to tell me. EDIT: Reading through a lot of the comments on the previous post now. To answer the most common questions - I haven't met his parents but I have met a few of his friends, he doesn't have social media, he's met my family since I'm local, and we do spend holidays together if they aren't on weekends. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **kindLemon:** Honestly it is strange that he felt the need to lie about it but at the same time it does seem he has good intentions. A lot of people like to do volunteer/charity work, donations, etc. and keep it quiet because they don’t want to seem like they’re trying to be a good person, they just want to help those in need and keep it quiet, just like your boyfriend said. I understand your confusion and being upset about the lies and that’s completely valid, but in this situation I do hope you give him another chance. It’s very possible the embarrassment comes from past trauma in his life. Personally, I’ve been in some bad situations and been on hard times, especially as a child with my single mom, and now that I’m grown and have the ability to help those that are in the situation I was once in, I basically feel obligated to help. Again, it’s your relationship and not being honest with you because of embarrassment is one thing, but I hope you two can discuss this more and figure it all out because you’re both valid here IMO. I commend you for bringing it up to him and I commend him for helping those in need. Good luck!! >**OP:** Thank you!!! I'm going to talk with him some more and see. Obviously we've been together for 3 years and I really do love him, but this is just so strange to me. Like, I get having a past trauma and that affecting behavior and whatever, but making a few enemies in your cohort translates to hiding volunteer work for 3 years?? The whole thing is confuddling **Commentator asked about the boyfriend’s parents and if he had bad childhood years such as abuse or manipulation from parents or family and if this affected his behaviors to be the people pleaser** >**OP:** Both of his parents are in his life. He's from out of state and the last time he visited them in person was 2 years ago I think. I've never met them, though I have talked to his mom over facetime a handful of times. He's never mentioned having any trouble with his family, so I'm not yet at the point where I'm going to assume the worst **Commentator asked OOP about the possible volunteering services being mandated by the courts and if the boyfriend has done something illegally and asked the volunteers to lie for him on his whereabouts** >**OP:** There have been quite a few comments about it possibly being court-ordered. I don't want to identify his field completely or anything because it's pretty niche, but if he had a criminal record, it would be incredibly difficult to work in his field so I don't think he has one. > >I haven't looked at his messages or anything of the sort. Maybe people are going to call me naive for this, but getting every single volunteer I talked to over that 6 hour period in addition to some people who were making use of the services to lie for him seems really unlikely. > >I think I underplayed the seriousness with which he explained the conflict with his classmates. I didn't follow it completely, but he really did seem very affected by the whole thing. Maybe he's acting, but it didn't look that way to me. &nbsp; [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA_BFDisappears/comments/1881vcl/update_2_my_24f_boyfriend_27m_has_disappeared/?share_id=qFBe210Vobv1n6YEOAUdw&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 30, 2023** So I asked him to come over so we could talk and he did. I then asked him some of the questions people had on here that I had written down. Volunteering for 6 hours but still not having time for me - he said he would get there a little early and leave late, but would then spend the remaining hours running errands and and actually working on PhD/assistant stuff. I asked if he could give me details, he gave some details about academic articles that I don't remember. I asked why he couldn't spend more weekend evenings with me if this was the case. He said that he was really busy with work and that I would distract him (ouch). Out of all the things said, I think this is the one that bothers me the most. I asked if the volunteering was court-ordered. He laughed at that and was clearly confused by the question but answered that given the special population he works with doing his PhD, he doubts he'd be able to work with them if he had a record that required so many hours. I asked if he was ever going to tell me about the volunteering. He initially says he doesn't know, then replies that he probably wouldn't have. He apologized for lying but then said that whether he was working or volunteering doesn't make a difference to how much time he spent with me. Obviously I pushed back on this and he got defensive and we had an argument that basically reiterated how I felt like I couldn't trust him because he was lying about this while he kept apologizing for the lying/"making me feel that way" but that it wouldn't have changed how we spend time together. Ultimately I asked him to explain to me again why he hid it in the first place. Like he's said previously, he used to talk to professors during undergrad about extensions and questions others had behind closed doors and then make sure those things were stated to the rest of the class. He did the same thing in his Masters program. This is where I got lost before. One of his professors was a hardass and some of his classmates were scared to talk to him about their grades, so he thought he could show them that he was willing to discuss grades and he made a joke about his own grade in class. The professor didn't find it funny and went on a tirade about respect and showing him up and apparently the class ended shortly thereafter because it was so tense. He said that some of the other students felt like they needed to cut ties with him to show the professor they weren't in on the joke and that a few of them made a show of hating him from that point forward. Hearing it more in-depth at least makes this make a little more sense to me. I stated again that helping homeless and helping classmates seemed like entirely different things altogether. He said that they felt like the same to him but that I was probably right and he was wrong. I asked him why he said he's a bad person. He replied asking if he said that and I said yes. He said that he didn't want the volunteering to make him seem like a good person because he's not. I asked what he meant and he replied that I know him. I said I'm not sure I do. He said that I know what he means. I don't, you do, etc. in circles. Personally, I think he has low self-esteem, but this is a weird way to express it and I'm not sure what else it could be. I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to continue the relationship because of the lying. He seemed hurt but then just said okay and that it's my decision. I told him that he should at least get therapy for the classmate thing because it's clearly affected him negatively. He replied that he probably should but he won't. After that I gave him an ultimatum - either spend more time with me on weekends and go to therapy or we break up. I told him to think about it and that he has until Saturday. He said he would and he went on his way. &nbsp; [Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA_BFDisappears/comments/18aspuc/final_update/) - **December 4, 2023** This will probably be my last post here. Saturday came and he asked me to compromise - he would take a day off from volunteering if I volunteered with him the other day and he wouldn't have to go to therapy. I said I needed to think about it. I told him later that night that I'd accept the compromise if he was willing to go to ONE therapy session. On Sunday morning, he told me he wouldn't be willing to go to therapy and asked that we go out to dinner. We went to a local diner and basically talked about ending things. He apologized for ending things this way and said that he knew he wasn't exactly being reasonable but he's doing what he feels like he needs to do. I basically said that that's up to him. We wished each other the best, he gave me a parting hug, and I went on my way. So yeah. 3 years of commitment for this. Kind of sucks. Have a good day. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

My (24F) boyfriend (27M) has disappeared every weekend for the past three years and I just found out he's been lying to me about where he goes

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fmrm1/my_24f_boyfriend_27m_has_disappeared_every/

18fmrsw

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [](https://www.reddit.com/user/Fearless-Try-12/). They posted in r/AmItheAsshole **Trigger Warning:** >!mention of domestic violence; threatening behavior!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!crisis currently averted for OOP!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17y7zab/aita_for_trying_to_stop_someone_getting_a_house/)**: November 18, 2023** My mum has had the same neighbours for 50 years. Her next door neighbour was in a government subsidised home. The lady has now moved to a long term assisted living facility, so her house is vacant. One of our other neighbours has a daughter married with a few kids. They want the now vacant home as she would be directly opposite her mother and the house has a garden for the children. They asked us if we would sign a petition to convince the government to house them there. This is where the problem is. Our neighbours are wonderful people. So is their daughter and grandchildren, but the son in law is a thug. He has tried to intimidate my extended family over a public parking space which he has claimed as his own. Screaming obscenities at us, revving his car like he will mow us down, and using his sheer size to stand over us to intimidate us. My elderly mother is terrified of him, but because of how wonderful my neighbours are, she feels like she cannot refuse to sign this petition. She said she feels incredibly anxious about potentially living next door to this man. As it stands, she will not leave the house or car if he is there, as she is so afraid of him. And at the moment, he is just there occasionally. But if he is living next door, she feels like she will be trapped. Yes, I wanted to report him to the police, and to the housing agency, but my mum didn't want to make him angrier, so she wouldn't allow me. Would I be the assh\*le if I reported him to the housing agency anyway? I do not want my elderly mother to feel afraid entering and leaving her own home for maybe the amount of time she has left on this planet. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Maybe the reason the neighbors want their daughter nearby is because she's being abused:* "I really do think her parents suspect Domestic violence. The poor girl looks truly miserable every time I see her. This is where my conscience is fighting me." *Shouldn't whomever has been waiting the longest get it? If you were to report could you do so anonymously?* "In theory, yes, whoever is on the list longest should get priority, but sadly, that doesn't always happen. I am afraid for my families safety, that is true. But I need to make sure I can report anonymously." *On OOP's mom moving:* "My mum is 77. She owns the house, and while it's lovely, it's not worth very much. It would be difficult for her to sell and move, financially and emotionally." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update (Same Post): November 23, 2023 (5 days later)** Just to clear up something. I am not racist. **(editor's note- this is in response to several comments accusing OOP of racism.)** The guy is a huge enormous white guy with a massive chip on his shoulder. Clearly thug has connotations of something different across the pond. Surely, it's behaviour that dictates being a thug and not ethnicity. I contacted the local housing authority without my mother's knowledge and the lady laughed. Saying the neighbours already have a roof over their heads and those still on the waiting list will get priority. They told me to sign the petition so as not to draw attention to ourselves and to keep the peace. She said of course, the housing officer appointed for that house or area will have the final say, but the chances of asshat getting the house are truly miniscule. The petitioner landed on mums doorstep this week and I duly signed for her. Wished them the best of luck, blah blah. So, at the moment, I can rest, and my concerns have already been forwarded to the relevant person, and the antisocial behaviour unit has also been updated. Thank you all for your encouragement. I really needed it. And the person who told me to never let my fear of being rude, affect my safety or my families safety, you are completely correct. I am conflict avoiding at all times. But that isn't right either.

AITA for trying to stop someone getting a house?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fmrsw/aita_for_trying_to_stop_someone_getting_a_house/

18fmruy

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/AdamantShield **Etiquette when an angry/frustrated player intentionally breaks your stick?** **Originally posted to** r/hockeyplayers **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!death of a child, cancer, physical violence!< **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/hockeyplayers/s/Om97B5Uj8S) **Apr 17, 2018** Bought a few new twigs a couple of weeks back. Dropped into a pickup game at the local rink last night. Some dingle gets upset that his cross-crease passes are getting picked and hacks two of my sticks in half within the span of 20 minutes. I've only been playing for about 2 years now so I'm not 100% sure what the etiquette here is... but I kinda feel like the dude owes me at least one new stick. I grabbed his name from the front desk and know he's a rink regular because I've seen him play several times there before. Am I in the right for asking him to replace it or should I just let it go? EDIT: Per a recommendation in the comments I'm just going to replace the two sticks under the 30-day warranty. Will be talking to rink management on Wednesday, and going to try and peacefully resolve the issue with the guy himself on Sunday evening if he shows up. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/hockeyplayers/s/nPgAgFwgYU) **Apr 24, 2018** So last week I had a bit of an interaction with the area's local "pest player" who went from "pest" to "lumberjack" (hereafter known as Jack) during a game of drop-in; intentionally breaking not only two of my sticks, but the stick of a new skater at the drop-in session as well. There was shouting, shoving, and a bit of what kind of retaliation you might expect when somebody goes full on hulk and snaps twigs on purpose. I'm no angel, and I don't want to paint myself that way. **Wednesday** I spoke with Rink Management on Wednesday and they were immediately apologetic, assuring me they would look into things, until I dropped the name of the player involved. Apparently this pest is very good friends with the rink manager. At first my hopes completely dropped and I was seriously considering looking for a new place to skate, but as I left for the evening, management pulled me aside and asked me to come speak with him in his office. To put it simply, management offered to comp my ice time for the night, as well as for the next two months. However, I wasn't to cause any issues with the player moving forward. I was told that this player was enduring a lot of hardship, and that while his behavior on the ice was completely unacceptable and would be addressed - that he had and I quote *"A very good reason for it"*. I told management I would still like to speak to the player, adult-to-adult, the next time I saw him. Not antagonistically, but just to speak my piece. Oh, and I took the comped ice time. **Sunday** I laced up and got ready to play some drop-in. We actually had two goalies so things were shaping up to be a fun night. Then *he* showed up. He walked into the rink with dead eyes and a blank face. Looked like somebody had just shot his dog. Anyway, if you want to skip the exposition skip down past the line break. I snagged the guy and asked to talk to him. We stepped into the ladies' lockers for some privacy (none of the regular gals were there) and talked for a while. Jack has a son that loves hockey. Jack's son is 10. Jack started playing hockey with his son 5 years ago. His son has been battling cancer for the last 6 months. Jack keeps skating because he says it's better than drinking. He broke down in tears while we talked about how cathartic it was for him to just escape for a couple of hours and do the thing that reminds him of when his son was a happy boy. Two Thursdays ago Jack's son went critical and was admitted to the ER immediately. He passed 4 days later, on Monday. Jack came to the rink that Sunday because his son begged him to. He took out all of his anger on our sticks - a dick move, but maybe one that we can understand a bit better. ----------- Jack's anger stemmed from the fact that his 10 year old was losing a battle with Cancer. Hockey is his escape. Knowing that he was about to lose his son was the last straw. Jack offered to buy my broken sticks off of me at full price. We're going out for a drink together later this week. I did not sell him my sticks - I'm replacing them via the 30-day warranty. **TOP COMMENTS** **manhaterxxx** >This is why dealing with issues like an adult is always the best option. You either find out he’s just an actual dick or there’s an underlying problem. >Well done on doing the mature thing and giving him a friend in what’s probably the worst time of his life. >Stick taps for Jack’s son \\_ * **ProJoe** >You are the kind of person more rinks need, and more players should strive to be like, myself included. >Thank you, for not only taking the high road but also trying to help someone through what is without a doubt an incredibly difficult time. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Etiquette when an angry/frustrated player intentionally breaks your stick?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fmruy/etiquette_when_an_angryfrustrated_player/

18fms2o

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Fun-Excitement4375 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH for wanting a divorce because of a surname** Trigger Warnings: >!institutionalization, death of a loved one, possible child abuse, mentions of suicide, mental health issues, emotional manipulation!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17zrdcl/aitah_for_wanting_a_divorce_because_of_a_surname/) - **Nov 20, 2023** My wife and I had difficulties in conceiving due to an accident I had when I as younger. After three years we finally had our daughter three weeks ago. Baby and mum are home and healthy, but I have been on the couch due to an issue over the surname. My wife was previously in a longterm relationship with her ex who commited suicide due to mental health issues after he returned from service abroad. Her son from her first relationship lives with us and is twelve in a months time. Her son has her exes surname. She wants our baby to have her exes surname (she still goes by that name) so that her son doesn't feel left out from his new sibling and future siblings, and because he had a better name than mine. I tried to compromise by saying since I practically raised her son he can have my surname, that way he won't feel left out, and she can take my name too. She said no as he has had his name all his life and shouldn't have to change it to appease me. I tried to explain that they have two seperate fathers so it's natural that they have different names. I suggested she use her maiden surname and hyphenate it with mine for our baby and she can hyphenate her maiden name with her exes for her son, that way the siblings will have almost the same name. That was turned down too. We have to register the baby's name next Thursday. I told her that we should probably gets couples therapy and in the meantime register her with my name. She turned that down too and said she went throught the trouble of carrying her and pushing her out, and she should get to decide this on her own. I even asked her son and he said he doesn't mind having separate names as he knows his father was his father but I am dad. He doesn't care if his sister has a different surname. I told my wife this and she said I am emotionally manipulating her son. We had an argument five days ago and haven't spoken much. I didn't want it to continue like this as this should be our happy moments. Two days ago I told her that the baby either gets my surname or we are getting a divorce. I told her that perhaps her dead husband could help raise our daughter with her since she doesn't want to acknowledge me as the dad. She called me a manipulator and says it's not fair that she doesn't get to decide the baby's first name on her own or the surname (her suggestions for the first name when she was pregnant were feminine versions of her exes name, think Alexis, Alexia, Alexandra for Alexander, and his actual name if we had had a boy). Today I called a solicitor and she overheard. She is telling me that I am forcing her into a corner with this name thing even though we went with her choice of first name after I sifted out the ones similar to her exes. and my choice as a middle name. I just want some outside opinions on whether I am doing the right thing. Like what am I doing with life anymore. It's so messed up. &nbsp; **ADDITIONAL INFORMATION** >**OP:** she is 43. Most of her life was under her maiden name. She has gone under his (deceased ex) name for about 10 years but she didn't officially change it until she added her ex husband first and middle name to her sons official name when he was seven, then she changed hers too. We were dating and exclusive but I didn't mind thinking she was doing it for her son. It has only been her legal name for about six years. > >She also wanted to give OUR daughter a feminine version of his name, and the exact same name as her exes if we had had a boy. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **GovernmentEvening815:** Wait hold on.. is this a case of her never changing her married name back after the death of her ex? I understand her wanting to keep the same last name as her son, and I feel like the hyphenation is great compromise so I would say NTA because it’s ridiculous for her not to compromise. >**OP:** Yes, she kept her exes name and I was fine with that as she explained she wanted to have the same name as her son. But it seems she was keeping it for other her reasons as she thinks it sounds better than mine. ** Civil_Confidence5844:** Wait, you said your wife still has the late partner's last name? Legally? That's a little different than her wanting to give your daughter a late partner's name tbh. It's her name too. However it's extremely weird that she wanted to name your daughter after him (the first name). Literally wtf >**OP:** She is 43. Most of her life was under her maiden name. She has gone under his name for about 10 years but she didn't officially change it until she added her ex husband first and middle name to her sons official name when he was seven, then she changed hers too. We were dating and exclusive but I didn't mind thinking she was doing it for her son. It has only been her legal name for about six years. > >She also wanted to give OUR daughter a feminine version of his name, and the exact same name as her exes if we had had a boy. **Commentator asks about survivor’s guilt and how OOP’s marriage with the wife has been affected by the situation.** >**OP:** In the beginning she did bring him up a lot and the suicide. I was okay with but a few yers in I had a talk with her. She brought him up less and less. Then she changed her sons name and also her own. I didn't mind as she wanted the same name as him, and she was married to him so I figured it was ok for her to change it even if she did it years after he died. > >When we were discussing marriage she said she didn't want to changer her new name to mine as mine is just bland. I didn't mind. > >Romantically we were ok, we had a period of dead bedroom but fixed our issues without therapy. She likes that I am good with her son but won't let me adopt him. this caused a rift but to keep the peace I backed down. While trying for a baby we were more like roommates but she really wanted a baby and so did I. We were overjoyed when we found out it was a girl as she always wanted one. Making a list of names and middle names caused some arguments but not major ones &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ar9nb/aitah_for_wanting_to_divorce_over_a_surname_update/) - **Dec 4, 2023** A quick update as my DM's were full of requests. From the advice given on here I contacted the registration office and they told me that as long as you are married only one parent is needed for the name registration. I wanted to appeal to her better nature and got her, mine and her exes parents involved. Her sister tagged along for this mediation/discussion. Turns out my parents (and my three siblings via groupchat) are the only ones that agreed with me on either my surname or her maiden name. Her parents and sister (also her other siblings via groupchat ) agreed with her, saying I should do it as she was the one that carried her. Surprisingly her exes parents thought it would be a nice gesture to name my daughter with their surname and to my shock revealed the first name I agreed to that was her suggestion (which wasn't a female variant of her exes) was the name her ex wanted to name their child if they had had a girl instead. She blushed when that piece of information got out when I called her on it. I asked her if it would be fair to name our daughter after one of my exes to which she replied that I only had a body count of three and that two had the same name and both names were ugly. When everyone left I tried to reason with her but she slammed the bedroom door in my face and locked it. During the discussion with the parents I tried asking her exes parents if they would be ok with me naming their grandson after me after I adopt him and they said they would never allow either (adoption or name change). When I asked them if it was fair for my daughter to have their name they said they felt their grandson was closer to his sister than I was to her as a father and both should have the same surname. They also ridiculed my choice in both first and middle name for my daughter in addition to my surname. This is a couple that I up until that point had a reasonably good relationship with. I raised their grandson as my own and was very surprised that this is how they felt about me. In the morning she didn't come out and I left her breakfast by the door. Hoping she would calm down enough by the time we would register to discuss it as adults. A few of her friends phoned and asked me why it was so important for me in the year of 2023 to give my surname to my child. I explained my side and why I had reservations. They still felt I was being unreasonable. On the Tuesday before the name appointment (Thursday) she picked a fight with me and said she was going with her original name (female version of her ex). She went as far as saying that she would rather unalive herself than give HER DAUGHTER my name. So, I am a little ashamed about this but as I pictured that she would no longer be in my future I called the police on her saying she threathened to commit suicide. I am not proud of this, They came and took her despite her protesting she was ok and it was only said in the heat of the moment. I guess I egged on the police telling them it could be PP and that I felt it was not safe for her to be around our baby. I registered the name on my own without her blessing and participation. She was still not released by then. Our daughters first, middle and surname are all chosen by me. She obviously has some unresolved issues and I hope she gets the help she needs. There is something wrong with her as she instructed her exes parents to collect her son and my daughter to look after via her sister until she could get out. When her exes parents came by and tried to take the baby I told them to fuck off. They threathened with police and I told them to go ahead. So they left with their grandson. Her parents came by during the weekend and wanted the baby to take to her telling me not to be difficult. I told them no. We had a visit by a health visitor and the midwife. When she was released she didn't come home and went to her parents. She has been there since, although she tried twice to take the baby from me (I changed the locks). She did drop off expressed milk for the baby, and has continued to do so via her sister. I contacted a solicitor for the divorce and for now I am keeping the baby as even the health visitor said that social services are going to get involved due to her mental state and I am the better option for care for now. There is no saving my marriage and I doubt she ever loved me with other things that have come out since then. I will always love her son and and hold out hope that some day when he is old enough to make his own decisions he will seek me out, but as my solicitor put it don't hold your breath for that to happen. My older brother and his wife are staying with me to help out for now (Their children are all teens and they have done this new baby thing five times and all their children made it to teenhood, so I am listening to all their advice). So there it is. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Electrical-Coach-963:** How did you convince the police to take her? And where did they take her? >**OP:** The police make that call depending on the situation. First time I have seen it happen. They asked me if I thought I could support her or if I thought she might succeed if I went to take a shower or something. I said no. > >They took her to a cell overnight but the next morning she was taken to a mental health assesment. I think she was seen by a psychiatrist, but she changed her next of kin from me to her sister despite us being married. They might have suspected she was a danger to herself because they kept her that whole day and night after the psychiatrist reviewed her. Don't know what they did as I wasn't there and when I phoned to check up on her they said they couldn't give me that information. **Commentator asks about the decision on phoning the police and having the wife sent to a mental institution to get evaluated** >**OP:** I did that when she threathened to unalive herself. It was not my call but one the police made. She was released but will get follow up help with her issues. In the UK an individual can't do it. The authorities make the decision &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH for wanting a divorce because of a surname

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fms2o/aitah_for_wanting_a_divorce_because_of_a_surname/

18fmsfq

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/HarrisonRyeGraham **I grew up vegan and I’ve never had cheese. Where do I start?** **Originally posted to** r/Cooking [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Cooking/s/6A9cn7qH7g)  **March 3, 2022** I was a very picky child and went vegan in high school. The only cheese I’ve had is american (which doesn’t really count). But I’ve become a total foodie the last ten years, and it’s really started to bother me that I’ve NEVER had any of an entire genre of food. I still won’t be eating meat, fish, or eggs, but I’m so interested in the hundreds of varieties of cheese that go with so many different things! I went to the cheese counter at my local delicatessen and there were SO MANY options, I was just overwhelmed. Starter cheeses, recipes, ones that are good by themselves…whatever! Suggest me anything. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **justcupcake** >Find a local cheese shop.  Barring that, find a grocery with a good cheese counter.  Even a Whole Foods will do.  Call and ask when the cheese counter is manned if it’s a grocery.  Then go in when someone is there and tell them what you’ve told us.  Watch their eyes light up as they find they get to share their knowledge and introduce someone to their passion.  Expect free samples, also expect to buy something from them when you’re done, even if it’s to gift to someone. * **blackhawks-fan** >Start with something mild like Brie.  Then try Swiss, Mozzarella. Mild cheddar.  If you like these mild tasting cheeses the get more adventurous.   I LOVE CHEESE. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/Cooking/s/0bOiH90jG8)  **March 30, 2022** Triple cream Brie with a baguette and jam -eh, ok but not very good Baby Swiss -yuck. $9 and gave it away Organic Gouda -Yum!! Very good snacking cheese. Don’t like it melted though Pepper Jack -very good for snacking or grilled cheese Smoked pepper Jack -also very good A locally made Cajun white cheddar -holy shit it was incredible. Creamy yet crumbly and the Cajun seasoning on the rind was chefs kiss Habanero cheddar -good on a “burger” but a little too sharp for me Gruyère -disgusting. Mozzarella (made fresh at my local shop) -ok, but unremarkable. Made caprese salad. It was fine but won’t make it again. Have yet to have pizza though lol Monterey Jack -very, very good. I made “real” veggie enchiladas for the first time (I’ve never had an enchilada before!!) and they’re the best things I’ve made in a very long time. Overview: I like flavored cheeses it seems. If I’m gonna be spending good money on good quality, I want some interesting and bold flavors. Plainer cheeses just aren’t worth the effort I think. If they’re not vibrant I think I’ll just keep the dish vegan. Not worth the calories or the money if it’s not a dominant part of the dish! But I’m very much enjoying this journey and I look forward to many more! Edit: this has been cross posted to r/vegancirclejerk, and the angry vegans are coming out of the weeds. Beware. My favorite insults so far are: -comparing me eating cheese to “supporting postpartum abortion” -being a cow rapist -asking if I also support the rape of women -holding a candlelit vigil for my poor parents as I turn from the path of moral superiority -I cannot be a good nanny because I now support the horrific “abuse of children and mothers just not the human ones teehee 🥰” Thanks for laughs, guys! **TOP COMMENTS** **_HoochieMama** >Hope you didn’t eat all of these in one sitting haha * **queen_mantis** >Don’t give up on fresh Mozzarella! It just needs some salt! * **Disastrous_Square_10** >Yuck on Gruyere?!!??!?!!?!?!?   AHHH!   I love Gruyere. You should try it again.. or some aged gouda. There are little crystals in it that feel salty and sort of crunch.  Great with white wine. Also good melters.   You can make some very good french onion soup, a good crouton, and topped with shredded gruyere, and under the broiler.. mmmmm mmm mm * **Dartagnan1083** >Don't be afraid to try again as your palate develops. You may discover varieties of cheese you once found meh/bleh to be much better when prepared differently. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I grew up vegan and I’ve never had cheese. Where do I start?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fmsfq/i_grew_up_vegan_and_ive_never_had_cheese_where_do/

18fmt08

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Real_Basil8487 **AITAH for telling my friend she should have seen her husband and her friend's affair coming?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!infidelity, emotional manipulation and abuse!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/XOSGLirIoq) **Nov 30, 2023** Background: I (35f) was friends with Julia (35f) and Alex (34f). We have been friends since college but our tiny group expanded from 3 to 7. This story is about Julia and Alex. 2 year ago, we all came to know that Alex was having an affair with a married man. Her excuse was that he was unhappy that is why he is seeking outside validation. I advised her to stop it and this is not healthy because he will not leave his wife. She didn't listen. Rather accused me of being a bad friend. All of my friends were against it but to them it was "not my monkey, not my circus". So, I contacted the wife and told her everything. I knew who the wife was because the married man once introduced us. And everyone in my friend group turned against me. Especially Julia because she thinks I betrayed my friends. She stopped talking to me because if I can betray a close friend of mine then I can betray her as well. Alex was heartbroken because the married man decided he wanted to work on his marriage so he broke things off with Alex. Julia was with Alex and I was shunned from our group. What happened now: Few weeks ago, I got a call from Julia. She was crying and telling me that Alex betrayed her. She has been having an affair with her husband. And that she is heartbroken because she has supported her and this is how she repays her. Even our friend group is divided. I was angry at that moment. I mean she ignored me for 2 years. Bad mouthed me. Said that I was wrong. I literally warned her that Alex was toxic. So I told her that she should have expected this from Alex. I mean did she really think she will show loyalty towards you when she already did something immoral before? I knew the moment she made excuses of having an affair with a married man, her morals were compromised. I am not religious but I do have minimum respect towards other people and their feelings. And suffice to say I am not surprised she went after her husband. I do think I went too far. Because some of my other friends said I was too harsh on her. Even if what I said was the truth I should have been more sensitive because she is going through a divorce. I do sympathize with Julia but I also feel like as friends sometimes we need to tell them the harsh truth. I know I said all of this when I was angry. But a part of me says she needed to hear that. Was I wrong? **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **ben_db** >Was there any benefit to telling her ITYS? It seems a little petty. **OOP** >>I agree it was petty. But at that moment I was angry. She ostracized me for telling the wife the truth and breaking up Alex's relationship because friends should stick together and she also took part in justifying the affair. I was just enraged by her hypocrisy. [(Update)-AITAH for telling my friend she should have seen her husband and her friend's affair coming?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/NOBfLWIogd) **Dec 4, 2023** Update: I have read many of your comments. First of all I want to clear this thing out that I do not regret telling the wife about the affair. I do not think I did the wrong thing. My friend was doing something bad and psychopathic in my opinion. She happily contributed to destroying a family knowing the man she was dating was a married man. I know the blame should be on him but she also needs to take accountability of her actions. If I was getting cheated on I would want to know. So, I guessed the wife also wanted to know. I know a lot of you have shamed me but just know I do not care. I was not the affair partner so why should I take the blame? I was simply a messenger. Now to the actual update, I did speak to Julia and said that I was sorry. I shouldn’t have punched her down when she is already going through some shit. I did not want to add it. I know a lot of you have told me to just cut her off. But I realized I was too harsh on her. Even if what she did 2 years ago was wrong. But she came to me because she needed a friend. I can sympathize with her in her tough times. She just went on and on about how she felt betrayed by Alex when she has always defended her even when her own parents disowned her. Just out of curiosity I asked her if she has plans to divorce her husband or work things out. She said she is going for divorce. Her husband is begging her for another chance and even said he will cut off all contacts with Alex along with the offer of opening their marriage on her end. But she is headstrong on her divorce. She did ask for my forgiveness and I do forgive her. But I still do not want anything to do with her. I do feel sorry for her and hope she finds peace but our friendship will never be restored to its own glory. She said that she understands and this is probably her karma and god is punishing her (she is quite religious). That’s the end. I hope she takes him to the cleaners. And from the grapevines I heard that Alex has been shunned from my former friend group because now they are afraid she might go after their husband. And as for Alex I do believe she is a psychopath who enjoys breaking up families. I do not think any amount of exposing will work on her because she has no shame. She deliberately goes after married and committed men. And I am glad I cut ties with her way before she could get to me. That’s it. Have a great life and stay away from all the Alexes of this world. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **BlueGreen_1956** >ESH >"If I was getting cheated on, I would want to know. So, I guessed the wife also wanted to know." >The classic Reddit response: Everybody should think the way I do and if I would want to know then everyone else should want to know, too. >"I was simply a messenger." Not one ounce of accountability for your own actions, as usual. **OOP** >>What accountability? Are u dumb? Why should I take accountability when I did nothing wrong. I told the truth. If you are doormat enough that you would not want to know the truth about your husband's affair that's on you. You want to accept your spouse cheating that's on you. Most of us sane people would like to be informed. * **InviteAdditional8463** >Julia deserves it. End of story. She helped an affair for her friend and got exactly what she deserved for her troubles. She is the poster child for why you don’t help people do immoral and unethical things. >The only smart thing she’s doing is getting a divorce, and admitting to what she did wrong. She need to figure out *why* she helped Alex in the first place. **OOP** >>It's basically female version of "bros before hoes". Like she wanted to put her friend first **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITAH for telling my friend she should have seen her husband and her friend's affair coming?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fmt08/aitah_for_telling_my_friend_she_should_have_seen/

18fz7ti

**I am NOT OP. Original posts by LieProfessional5357 in r/ProblemGambling** trigger warnings: >!Gambling addiction, financial infidelity!< mood spoilers: >!Pretty dang sad my dudes!< &nbsp; --- &nbsp; [**Lost $100k in 4 weeks**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/qw6ey1/lost_100k_in_4_weeks/) - November 17, 2021 Need advice. I’m 36 and not in debt other than a mortgage. I have a 8 month old daughter and I’m scared to death. I’ve been gambling somewhat randomly since College; I’m well over 300k now in losses most of which was my money and now 100k just in the last 4 weeks and every time I went back it was to recover from day before but the numbers kept adding up. My wife doesn’t know a thing; the money is mine -$100k gifted by my dad who is completely against even wasting a dollar and who put his trust in me to use it wisely for family / success / paying down mortgage. I’m a terrible son, I feel shame and regret to even look him in the eye knowing what I’ve done in a matter of weeks took many years for him to make. I still feel I need to go back to get it back;my wife doesn’t know yet (keyword) it’ll be a very ugly convo when she finds out - maybe even walk out on me who knows! that kind of money isn’t easy to hide right. I feel depressed, broken, failure, just want this 100k back it’s too much to lose. $10k loss turned to $15 and then +$7,500 and just downhill from there - lost all $22,500 and kept going back losing $10-15k per day at times. What should I do? Talk to wife? She will lose it!!! And If my dad finds out I’m afraid he won’t be able to take it and I’ll be the reason for what happens to him - I’m such a bad son. &nbsp; &nbsp; [**Rock bottom -painful truth and unsure what the future holds**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/rnnyh5/rock_bottom_painful_truth_and_unsure_what_the/) - December 24, 2021 Hey guys, 36m and I’ve posted quite a bit so in response to my first post I say this- listen to every word people say here. Something took over me, I can’t explain it because I don’t k ow myself wtf happened. Losing money is evil, it will make you do things out of control. The fight to recover losses kept turning into a losing battle over and over again so here I am - ROCK BOTTOM. In just 2 months I’ve lost everything in my bank account - $170k and also took out 10k from credit card and another $10k from personal line of credit so I’m officially in a gambling debt of $20k. Now that’s a total of $190k and it’s a harsh reality. What does it feel like? Hmmm butterflies in your stomach, the earth just slipped from under ur feet and u feel light but there’s weight pushing u down, disbelief because the gambling mind cannot accept what happened but then reality kicks in cuz the bank is proof. Shame, disgust, suicidal thoughts, frown but pretending to smile, wife doesn’t know yet of my situation so I’m lieing to your partner (always a bad thing), 9month old daughter whom I now feel like I’ve ruined a comfortable life for alongside my wife. I first posted at $100k loss everyone said stop stay clean, tell the truth, doesn’t get better. I continued to go back over and over again because I could not accept Bottom line: accept it!!!!!!!! Now!!!!!! Or ur gonna be where I am. Now over $500k in losses out of which $190k is very recent. This is the end reality - it feels a lot worst than when u win a single bet. &nbsp; [**Struggling to forget and complete wreck**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/rwq5iz/struggling_to_forget_and_complete_wreck/) - January 5, 2022 Update from previous posts. Life feels very depressing, love playing with my daughter and everytime I look at her the thought crosses my mind - why did I blow my money at the casino where I should have used for her future : college, car, real estate, necessities, and the list goes on. Have not told the wife yet, nor has she poked into the bank account that would show nothing but withdrawals in the thousands for the last 2.5 months. Losing strength, stress is killing me because I picked up debt to gamble and lost everything. Casinos are temporarily shutdown effective today so good that I can’t go to relapse. I need to tell the wife, don’t have the courage because I can’t explain how I didn’t learn a “lesson” but ended up losing $200,000 dollars!!! I don’t know if she will understand and I’m also afraid of the shame this brings once everyone in the family finds out. Killed my self esteem, I’m a wreck and stressed to no end. To those reading this, stay strong let’s get rid of this horrible demon. &nbsp; [**Day1 starts - $275k lost**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/srjsxv/day1_starts_275k_lost/) - February 13, 2022 Game Over. I kept going back to recover big losses and now I’m sitting here after literally 4 months exact: $200,000 missing $75,000 debt between credit card/line of credit Barely any money left except to survive. I have a family, Who doesn’t know of this; many of u know my story on here I haven’t told SO and she’s on a trip with young one; I thought I could take the opportunity to go back to casino to recover but that didn’t happen, instead I found myself pulling money from creditors to gamble but just lose it all. I know my performance at work has been affected, I am a completely different person physically in the mirror the stress has taken that smile and brightness. Fuck gambling - I am sick and I’m going to get better. this is day 1 and here’s the plan: 1) Use HELOC to pay off the expensive debt 2) refinance the home for $100k when mortgage is up for renewal in August - pay off the HELOC 3) tell SO and hope she can support my recovery instead of walking away - the news I understand will be a lot to stomach 4) get healthy and back in shape 5) cut down on spending /eating out 6) find a side hustle/part time job 7) attend GA meetings if I can I wish I could reverse the last 4 months - I can’t so now I’ll spend the next decade trying to recover. My life is a wreck and I cannot live like this any longer. &nbsp; [**Self excluded indefinitely day 0**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/t30inv/self_excluded_indefinitely_day_0/) - February 27, 2022 Relapsed and couldn’t stop. Put my life on the line, thought about suicide and only thing holding me down to earth is my daughter, wife and family whom I let down. They don’t have a clue as to what I have done. 1) gambled away my own money and some inheritance 2) picked up $70k debt 3) dipped into wife’s account and took another $50k I am now walking out of this miserable place (casino) that has taken everything from me mentally and financially in the last 6 months. $325,000 lost and same amount in prior years. I am $600k plus in losses and there is only one way to stop. I have in my hand a win today. Will power! Backed up by a self exclusion form banning INDEFINITELY. Now the truth must be told to my wife and I need to protect my family from me. I don’t know if I will have a family should my wife not be supportive but atleast I’ve done what I never thought I would do. Stop gambling guys - no body wins this industry will take you to your grave a lot faster than GOD. &nbsp; [**Told the wife!**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/u25idr/told_the_wife/) - April 12, 2022 It’s done, she knows came out over phone because I was at work - balled out like crazy said sorry she’s pissed and not responding to txt now giving her some space. If I go home either she’s there or gone who knows - work sucks right now wanna get out asap but can’t yet. Will be a hectic night maybe limited convo if there is one. I finally got this off my chest and although nervous I feel good because it was slowly killing me inside with depression and suicidal thoughts. ODAAT living with consequences of our actions I suppose &nbsp; [**Update on disclosure**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/u3e4af/update_on_disclosure/) - April 14, 2022 Hey all, wanted to give an update on my full disclosure for many of you who have seen my posts. Ultimate rock bottom is not money lost, it’s trust. For those of you that are single, you still lose trust. My wife who I don’t blame has opened up to her family and to mine. I feel humiliated, regretful,wish this had never happened but I also think it’s for the betterment and recovery. Time will heal but the healing has to start, for those who have yet to share with family about your problems - do so, it’s hard at first - stress level rises 10000x in the moment but in the end it is what it is: consequences of actions. I choose to be a better person, finally rid of this problem and all others that cause pain to loved ones. The years of respect I earned - LOST. I feel terrible 😞 but I deserved this. Going to move on now and put the past behind me - news will spread like wildfire and humiliation will continue, in the end it is what it is as there’s no rewinding time but change the future. Good luck - I’m proud to own my mistakes and for me that’s a huge win. Weight of the world off my chest. Say no to gambling - become a winner once and for all. &nbsp; [**135 days gamble free!**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/vx00a3/135_days_gamble_free/) - July 12, 2022 Hey everyone haven’t posted here for very long time. 135 days ODAT. Here’s how I did it: - lost 300k+ in 6 months - went into serious regretfulness, depression and insane amounts of stress - came to Jesus and banned myself from all land based casinos - this was step 1 to freedom - confessed everything to family - step 2 - went to hell and back because of it, lost respect, trust, love - held onto marriage but it was brutal - starting to gain back - step 3 - luckily work got very busy - kept my mind occupied which helped a great deal Cannot forgive myself, losses & pain I’ve caused my loved ones bothers me all the time but I don’t think about wanting to ever go back to gambling again - HuGe step 4: Self realization! Good luck to no gambling! &nbsp; [**Did it again! Need desperate advice!**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/10jt9dj/did_it_again_need_desperate_advice/) - January 24, 2023 So much for a ban, urge to reinstate and i did - won 40k from just 3k. Put it all back + 30k gradual losses of 5-6k after putting back 20k the next day. 30k debt - no way to repay all the finances are handled by significant other. What do i do? Last time was a family crisis now i have no choice but to turn to my parents again and say bail me out ine last time! The problem is the last time i should have learned my lesson. I really dont know what to do, i cant tell anyone about this recent events or else im doomed and i will really hurt my lived ones. If this cones out however it may, im definitely getting divorced. I got a wife n kid who i dont want to lose. i want to tell my parents that i had this loan from the last event that turned my whole life upside down but i fear this will put them through hell and back knowing how can they trust me? I make good money but cant use it now that partner controls the finances. Your thoughts? How shoukd i handle this?? &nbsp; [**Hit rock bottom again - its over for me**](https://www.reddit.com/r/GamblingAddiction/comments/10u5ii7/hit_rock_bottom_again_its_over_for_me/) - February 5, 2023 Hey all, please stop gambling. I Relapsed and now with 40k debt and no way to repay considering the situation im in where partner controls finances. I cannot let anyine k iw about this or its gonna be a huge problem. I just cant believe i put myself through this again. I dont even have money left from the last round of stupidity. No more access to loans and ive already borrowed from friends and family. Now im sitting with $500 in my account right now. With bills on the way. This shit sucks so bad i just wish i could end myself this financial stress is so bad. I need help but dont know if my partner will be so supportive this time if they find out. &nbsp; [**Anyone in relapse and tell their partner?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/11czxtq/anyone_in_relapse_and_tell_their_partner/) - February 27, 2023 Struggling to find some courage to tell my spouse that i fucked up a 2nd time and how miserable of a husband/father i am. Work so hard to dump our money to a casino. I already got my ultimatum the last time after massive losses; here i am again reliving the past except this time is all out debt only. My head gonna explode, im super stressed and dont know what to do. Anyone tell their significannt other of a relapse and how did that go? &nbsp; [**If your given a second chance but u relapse and out yourself through the same shit again - is this a calling to get help?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/11iga0d/if_your_given_a_second_chance_but_u_relapse_and/) - March 4, 2023 Maybe some of you read my posts, im in devastating situation again and have no guts to share with anyone. I got a 2nd chance, banned myself, year later same boat and now badly in debt. I keep thinking what got me to Gambling - i work hatd to earn the money but money doesnt hold great value to me - why? Well i think i have an answer, throughout my younger years my pops never let me manage my finances. He always checked my accounts, always wanted to be the one to manage, always led me to believe what he got is mine one day. Hes not rich, just normal. I never felt in control and i never learned to manage well cuz it was just “money” but i see young ppl now so cautious of their finances. Im not sure if what im thinking is wrong i really dont wanna blane my parents but i wish if i had the freedom to manage my earnings and expenses in my younger years i wouldnt chase easy money. I got a gambking problem i admit it now. I need help and im certainly devastated by the outcome; debt upto my eyeballs, earn good money but people got bills to pay n need to survive so irregardless its an unnecessary expense to have all these debt payments. Tried to have my spouse manage the finances, instead i pulled out loans now behind their back. Do i deserve a 3rd chance? Or should this be it - divorce and destruction? &nbsp; [**Help! Someone gimme some courage to break the news and how to begin telling**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/11jkvuz/help_someone_gimme_some_courage_to_break_the_news/) - March 6, 2023 How do i tell my wife about my relapse this is killing me, how do i tell her that i broke her trust again? Put US again in a bad situation. This is crazy this shit ruines lives man here i am a grown ass man crying like a wussy - have no control no realization to my actions. Cant do anything other than putting my loved ones in pain and suffering. God i cant deal with this. What do i do someone please give me advice! &nbsp; [**Anyone here relapse and racked up 6 figure debt?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/14bzjuo/anyone_here_relapse_and_racked_up_6_figure_debt/) - June 17, 2023 Miserable. Looking for anyone who can relate and help with a solution and or advice. Last year - terrible huge losses in the mid 6 figs; confessed and banned and returned to the devil. Now using up all the great credit built over many many years - picked up 200k debt at pretty harsh interest from multiple bullshit places. Life in complete turmoil - unhappy, depressed, mentally f’d up, stressed to no end, regrets, unfaithfulness with spouse, fake smiles, hidden cries - u name it because its by far the worst list. Numb to value of money between 4 walls of the devils house - outside the reality hits hard. Now sittin back thinking why did i do it? Approaching 40 which gives me the chillz. Anyone relate? What to do? Cant face a second confession no heart or strength for that. &nbsp; [**Came clean second time**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/15iylh6/came_clean_second_time/) - August 5, 2023 Just confessed to wife, heartbreak 💔 dont know whats going to happen now. I deserve any and all punishment again at this point. Couldnt avoid coming clean because the lies and double life i couldnt stand living no more. I hope i come out stronger for our family. &nbsp; [**Relapse**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/15u9juy/relapse/) - August 18, 2023 Today for the second time, I feel so humiliated again because of my relapse. Had my family walk out the door and im here all alone. More than money, I lost love and i lost trust. Quit gambling people. &nbsp; [**Ruined myself and lost everything**](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1780b7f/ruined_myself_and_lost_everything/) - October 14, 2023 Wife left with the kid. Debt in over my head. Completely destroyed myself financially becayse id have to sell my house to repay it. Once again the house has won and we continue to think we can beat them. What i dont get is, how i let this get to where it is without thinking if the consequences and to make it worst, i had ample time to dwell on repeat mistakes. What the hell is this “rush” its the worst f*cking drug in the world - this one not only ruins you but also your family. Mentally im a wreck, i only wish i could make it out on top. Restart at 40 - thats where ive ended up. &nbsp; [Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1780b7f/ruined_myself_and_lost_everything/k4zj96o/) - October 15, 2023 Thanks for all the supportive comments everyone. Its just so hard coping with all of this knowing id be defaulting on payments. I had too many chanes to get out - help from family which i abused and im in a deeper than ever before hole i cant get out of. Wife wont support me in anyway financially even though i said i would repay the debt if she allowed me to switch from “unsecured” to “secured” (home line of credit) which gives me some breathing room. Im in way over my head - defaulting means my credit gets shot and court notices to follow. Im already. Eing harrassed by creditors for payments. Im ok with no credit because honestly the access to credit is why im where im at. I know im not alone but unfortunate we are where we are at. Life long earnings can dissappear withtin days….. that makes me sick to my stomach! &nbsp; [Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/17n34fs/i_won_550k_usdt_in_crypto_in_3_months_just_to/) - November 4, 2023 I feel you - lost 500k and in massive debts now chasing a 20k loss. 2 years ago had lost 300k 800k debt and no hope in life; depressed to no end. Wife left me taking my kid. Do i pray or stop believing? Feeling like ending it all but i have a kid to live for &nbsp; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

Redditor loses over $800,000 gambling and hides it from his family

INCONCLUSIVE

AnF-18Bro

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fz7ti/redditor_loses_over_800000_gambling_and_hides_it/

18ge3uo

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/NoFuckingAtNight **Originally posted to** r/tifu **TIFU when I asked my gf to come up with reasons why we might break up** [**Previous BoRU**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/184v1re/tifu_when_i_asked_my_gf_to_come_up_with_reasons/) **NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH** --- Trigger Warnings: >!insecurity, threats of revenge porn!< &nbsp; **RECAP** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/SehUlOYpEV) - **Nov 11, 2023** My gf and I were lying in bed last night, cuddling and shit, when it dawned on me all of a sudden that none of my friends were in relationships anymore. All of them had broken up with their partners within the past few months, which was more or less the same length of time my gf and I had been together. I shared this revelation with my gf mid cuddle before asking her what I thought was a funny and harmless question at the time. I asked her what she thought would be the end of us and encouraged her to come up with ridiculous reasons only. Full disclosure, my gf and I were both high during the inception of this fuck up, so keep that mind if some of our actions come across as somewhat random. Anyway, so as per my question, my gf provided the following reasons that would cause our relationship to crumble. 1. If I stopped showering. 2. If during sex I said "I'm gonna cum dot dot dot question mark." 3. If I lived on the 13th floor. 4. If I "psst" at someone whose name I knew. 5. If I used a spoon to drink tea or coffee like it was medicine. 6. If I literally licked my thumb before turning to the next page of a book. 7. If I found out she had a dildo replica of her ex's penis. I paused my gf when she got to the 7th reason and asked her if number 7 was something real or ridiculous because it sounded a lot less random than the other reasons. My gf said it was both real and ridiculous while laughing because at that point the atmosphere in the room was still lighthearted. I asked her why she still had her ex's fake penis in her posession. She shrugged and said it was a decent dildo. I was about to ask her if she still used the dildo, but she predicted my question and said it's been a long time since she used it. I think my face was beginning to show my mixed feelings because my gf decided to tickle me out of the blue until I laughed. I did laugh, thanks to the tickle, but I was unable to forget about the clone a willy situation. It was bugging me. I had to see it, so I asked my gf to show it to me. She reluctantly agreed to show it to me if I promised to file this whole situation under "something that means nothing" and move on. I promised. For someone who said she struggled to remember when last she used the dildo, my gf didn't even have to think about where she stored it. Just in case it's unclear, we were in her flat. As soon as I witnessed the cloned dildo with my own two eyes, I knew, oh yeah, that shit was gonna live rent free in the back of my mind. Of course it was big. I mean, what other size is there when it comes to exes. My gf asked if I wanted her to get rid of it. My mind said yes but my mouth said it was her choice. She shrugged and said it was just another sex toy. I said a promise is a promise before deciding to make us some coffee, which I drank with a spoon. Playing the break up game was not the smartest decision on my part. Now I'm cursed with the knowledge that my gf not only kept her ex's cloned cock, but most likely used it whenever she wanted, which may or may not have been during our relationship. TL:DR I playfully encouraged my gf to come up with silly reasons that might cause our relationship to come to an end. Based on that, my gf informed me that she had a replica of her ex's penis in the form of a dildo, which she enjoyed using. Needless to say, my playfulness turned into pain. &nbsp; **Relevant Comments** **wispoflife:** NGL. I would have asked her to throw it out, on condition that I buy her a replacement one of similar size etc... Sure it makes a good dildo, but it is just weird to keep a clone a willy of your ex into a new relationship. That is my view with my own hangups. Sounds like this thing might bother you for longer than you hoped and I would think carefully about whether you can file it under "to be forgotten". >**OP:** Yeah, I feel like I've always been fully supportive of my gf doing what needs to be done to cum on her own whenever I'm not present to provide her with sexual pleasure in person, but I also feel like it's not too crazy for me to feel conflicted about her specifically getting off to her ex's penis, albeit a replica of his penis and not the original. Part of me feels like I'll be able to get over it eventually, whether she keeps the clone dick or not, but I'm definitely gonna need time to digest this. **Few-Notice9304:** That would bug the crap out of me. It’s up to you wether it bugs you but it’d eat away at me for sure. >**OP:** I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I do believe whatever attachment she has to her ex's clone dick is no match for the connection we have with each other, romantically and sexually. However, on the other hand, the typical guy in me cannot help but feel like I'm suddenly competing against her ex on some level. I think I'll learn to make peace with this or whatever I'm feeling now will become a wound I'll keep scratching until the relationship bleeds out. I'm hoping that I'm somewhat mature enough to avoid the latter from happening. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/NX5rMlxUny) **Nov 13, 2023** Some of you asked for an update. Here it is: Based on my [original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/xoLPMxyOE5), the consensus was that I be honest with my gf about how I feel regarding her ex's clone a willy dildo that she still owned. I was building up towards sharing my feelings with my gf, but she beat me to it and ended up telling me that she got rid of her ex's clone a willy because she could tell how much it bothered me. I confirmed what she said about my feelings and thanked her for disposing of her ex's dick. My gf said I should not be thanking her yet because she was not 100% honest with me when she initially said that she used her ex's clone a willy a long time ago. At that moment I knew she was gonna tell me that she used the clone a willy during her relationship with her ex, which was whatever, and during her relationship with me, which was where it kind of became a grey area from a current bf perspective. My gf came clean about using her ex's clone a willy until the two of us finally figured each other out sexually. I understood what she was saying. The chemistry between us was there since the beginning of our relationship, but the first few times we had sex was a bit of a learning curve for both of us. The sex was enjoyable for the most part, but despite our best efforts, we struggled to get each other off for some reason. During that time, my gf said she low key relied on her ex's clone a willy, which apparently made her orgasm without fail. Call me insecure or whatever, but hearing that made me go "ouch" on the inside. My gf said the irony of relying on her ex's clone a willy while we struggled to find our sweet spot in the bedroom, was the fact that she realized later on that her attachment to something from the past might have prevented her from fully committing to something in the present, or something like that, she said it better. My gf assured me that when she told me her ex's clone a willy was just another sex toy, she meant it, because that was what it eventually became when she learned to let go of "lingering feelings" and fully embrace the new connection she had with me. She made it sound like one of the reasons our sex life became the complete package it is now was due to the fact that she stopped using the clone a willy as her main source to get off. She apologized for not being vulnerable enough to unpack the impact her ex had on the beginning stages of our relationship and promised that her flat was now free of ALL her ex's clone a willy dildos. I thought she implied that there was more than one clone a willy as a joke to get a reaction out of me, but as soon as she opened the garbage bin I realized her ex really loved cloning his dick. I counted 3, including the one I knew about. The other two were both glow in the dark. My gf and I laughed about it. I have a feeling we're gonna be okay. That said, not sure I'll easily forget about her well endowed ex bf who peaced out of his relationship with my gf by leaving behind, not one, not two, but three of his dicks. TL:DR My gf disposed of her ex's clone a willy. All 3 of them. Yeah, the ex actually made 2 more. --- &nbsp; # **NEW UPDATE** [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18b6swm/tifu_when_i_asked_my_gf_to_come_up_with_reasons/) - **Dec 5, 2023** My gf and I have been unpacking our past relationships more than ever before since I discovered that she low key used her ex's clone a willy. I made 2 posts about it. The outcome was unexpectedly positive. My gf tossed her ex's clone a willy in the trash (all 3 of them) and we agreed to move on. However, moving on was not as easy for me as I wanted it to be. I asked my gf questions about her ex, which I never did prior to the clone a willy situation. Call it morbid curiosity or mild insecurity or whatever, but I wanted my gf to tell me what kind of person her ex was when he was not her ex. A copy of the dude's dick literally penetrated my relationship without my knowledge, of course I had questions regarding the owner of the cloned dick. My gf shared the following information about her ex based on our Q&A sessions: 1. He was basically her first everything in the relationship category, including sex. 2. He had cystic fibrosis, which encouraged him to approach life like every day might be his last. 3. His living life to the fullest attitude made him equally exciting and exhausting. 4. One of the most exciting moments with him was when he somehow managed to get a crowd of random people at a Karaoke bar to help him sing Shake Me Down by Cage The Elephant shortly before he publically proposed to my gf mid song (she said yes). 5. The most exhausting moment with him was when he got naked at a music festival and made several attempts to have public sex with my gf, despite the fact that she repeatedly said no. Number 5 was the tipping point for my gf. She eventually called off the engagement and tapped out of the relationship. In the spirit of sharing, my gf made me aware that her ex might still have a collection of raunchy photos and videos of her in his possession, which he spitefully refused to dispose of when the two of them broke up. As a revenge porn insurance policy, my gf followed her ex's lead and made sure to keep some of the raunchy photos and videos she had of him, you know, "just in case." Not gonna lie, I had to laugh at that point. Not because it was funny, even though it kind of was in a fundamentally fucked up way, but because of how one clone a willy became the beginning of more than one relationship altering plot twist. I would not have been surprised at all if my gf revealed that on top of almost marrying her ex, she also got pregnant and the two of them were now sharing custody. I asked my gf if she was gonna keep the photos and videos of her ex forever. She said she could delete them if it made me feel uncomfortable, but if her ex decided to re-enter her life with the threat of leaking her photos and videos for whatever reason, then she would end up feeling somewhat defenseless in that situation. I asked my gf if her ex was capable of doing something like that. She was unable to answer yes or no, but she implied that he was capable. Then I asked her to tell me what was the worst thing her ex captured her doing on camera. I wanted to know what was so bad about these photos and videos because nowadays aren't we all on someone's iPhone doing crazy ass shit? My gf said her ex was a bad influence and I should just believe her when she tells me that I did not what to know or see what her ex convinced her to do on camera. I suggested that my gf delete whatever photos and videos she had of her ex because more than enough time has passed since the two of them broke up. If he didn't "leak" anything by now, then why would he do it later? And even if he did leak something, what would doing the same to him actually achieve? If the guy was willing to get naked at a music festival and have public sex, then something tells me he's immune to counter attack revenge porn. My gf wanted me to understand that she never viewed the photos and videos of her ex during our relationship and that it was nothing like recent events regarding the clone a willy. I asked my gf if she was willing to team up with me for couples therapy because it seemed like her ex was a shareholder in our relationship and frankly speaking it was making me feel like she never truly moved on from him like she believed she did. My gf and I have an appointment with a couples therapist towards the end of the week. For the record, my gf erased the photos and videos she had of her ex and promised me that she literally had nothing else that belonged to him. Hopefully that is true and all of you will never read another post of mine again. Fingers crossed. TL:DR My gf might have disposed of her ex's clone a willy in my previous post, but once I asked enough follow up questions about her ex, my gf revealed that she also had raunchy photos and videos of him, which she saved as insurance because her ex apparently had not so family friendly photos and videos of her too. It's become clear to me that our relationship needs professional help. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

[New Update] - TIFU when I asked my gf to come up with reasons why we might break up

NEW UPDATE

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ge3uo/new_update_tifu_when_i_asked_my_gf_to_come_up/

18ge4j0

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/SabishiSushi **How to deal with unhygienic roommate?** **Originally posted to** r/college **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!filthy living conditions, sexual harassment, invasion of personal space!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/college/s/DOiU7Zycms)  **Aug 13, 2023** Hello, I just moved into my dorm yesterday, and I already  want to change dorms, which unfortunately, I don't think I can do My roommatehas literally made the entire dorm smell like body odor and dog pee. When she first walked into the building with her boxes, the smell was even in the halls. It stayed in the halls until she closed the door. When the door is closed, the room is BAD. All of her clothes were dirty and covered in CLUMPS of dog hair, and I'm allergic to dogs. Now I'm sitting here with a stuffy nose, which I don't mind because it's blocking the smell, and I don't know what to do Of course, I'm going to try to change dorms, but that might not be possible, and the college will probably not see it as a valid reason for changing What do I do? How can I make the awful amount of dog hair stop affecting me? And how do I keep the smell at bay? I bought a diffuser for the wall, but even that on high doesn't get rid of the awful smell of body odor. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **thedamfan** >I would play really hard into the allergies thing when asking to change rooms. Focus on the medical side and make it seem like you cannot be sharing a room with this person. >If you focus more on the smell part, they’ll just try to tell you to get a diffuser or to talk to the roommate about it. In the meantime tho, I know sometimes people will put an essential oil or some other good smelling thing on the skin under their nose to block out bad smells, maybe try that? **OOP** >>I will. I think I'm going to try to get diagnosed with dog allergies so I can present medical evidence that I am. When I'm around dogs and dog hair, it gets to the point that I wheeze, and I take Allegra D and Flonaze but that doesnt do much. Luckily, i havent started wheezing in the dorm, but my nose has been SUPER stuffy since my roommate moved in. I will contact RA first and see what they say and if they need medical evidence. I will also mention the really bad body odor (my roommate still hasn't taken a shower since she's been here) >>I will ask the RA if she wants me to talk to my roommate first, and I'll ask her what I should say. >>I'm also going to buy an air filter just in case I have to suffer through. Then I'll at least get some relief from my allergies [Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/college/s/QSdFp51h6U)  **Sept 7, 2023** So... I still live with the same roommate. The only two dates I've noted her taking a shower are August 15 and September 2. It constantly smells like body odor in here. The requests for a dormmate change don't open until September 15. Originally, I was going to take your guys' ideas and wait until that date, but no... no, it got worse WAY WORSE So, I'll start by saying we've never really have a conversation. It's been a month and we haven't had any conversation besides a brief one about her work. Whenever I try to strike up conversation, she either entirely ignores me or gives me one word responses. I haven't talked to her about her body odor partly because of this reason. I don't really know how to bring it up But now, there's an entirely new issue She masturbates LOUDLY when I sleep. Like not little whimpers or anything like that. It's full on moaning. I'm writing this after literally waking up to it. I don't even know where to go with this one. I don't know how to bring it up to her when she rarely acknowledges me talking. I'm not waiting until September 15 to make that request. I'm fucking done. It always smells like body odor in the dorm, it smells like bad sex in it right now, and I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to say about someone loudly masturbating I wouldn't even care if she were quietly doing it and I happened to notice. Like... were human a lot of us have those desires... but to do it LOUDLY? Hell no I'm writing an email to the ra right now. Praying I get a room change. Edit: what are your guys suggestions about bringing up the masturbation thing? I've only caught her twice, and I still have doubts like maybe she was sleeping and making weird noises. The first time she was caught... I was on call with my gf, but I fell asleep, and my gf didn't hang up. My gf likes to stay on call for as long as possible until she goes to sleep. Well, she heard loud moaning and started laughing, thinking it was me. She didnt know my roommate was back from work. She went "OP, are you moaning? Hahahahha!" And then she said it went quiet. She said that for the next 10 minutes, there was stifled whimpering And now I woke up to moans. They were like... stifled, short moans that I don't think could be confused with bad dream noises but maybe. Idk I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because what if I'm wrong, but I am 95% sure, and this morning I was angry about it and certain those were sexual moans. I still think they are, but what if I'm wrong? **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **ZealousideaBank2213** >Nah don’t let anyone tell you that doing it in the same room with zero heads up is normal. She should either ask you to leave or go to the bathroom, this is gross behavior. Ask your RA to meet with you. **OOP** >>Yeah I get that it's super weird and shit. I personally don't care if it's dead silent and I'm assumed to be asleep. That's just my weird feelings about it >>But to be LOUDLY doing it >>Like wtf >>A person has to have some balls to be moaning so loudly that they wake their roommate up * **lyonnotlion** >Masturbating in your room while you are present without your consent is sexual harassment and a Title IX violation. Report to your RA. If that doesn't get you moved quickly, report to your school's Title IX office. **OOP** >>My only worry is what if those were just like Sleep noises? Now that wouldn't dismiss the... sex smell... and I still think they sounded closer to sexual moans then sleepy groans, but I'm worried I'm wrong >>I don't want to talk to her, nor do I know how to talk to her about that especially since she just ignores me But agh I don't know what to do at all besides send the email to the RA. [Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/college/s/Sy2OaXJIl5)  **Sept 16, 2023** THE DUST HAS SETTLED So I emailed the housing department about everything that's happened. They quickly approved me a dorm change, but they wanted me to talk to my roommate first for the "confrontation experience" 💀 I did. That was a very very awkward conversation that went like this on snapchat: Me: "Hello, (ex roommate name) I was wondering if we could talk. I know you're busy though" Her: "Yes, what about?" Me: "I was wondering if there's anything I could do to be a better roommate now that we've lived together for a month. Any suggestions?" Her: "No, everything's been fine. I've just been really busy with work" Me: "okay good. I had two things in mind. One, I noticed a weird smell in the room. I washed all my sheets and all my clothes, but it's still there, so I don't think it could be me. Could you wash your sheets and clothes?" (This is what the housing wasn't told me to say. They didn't want me suggesting that it could be HER who smelled even though the issue was that she wasn't bathing, not that she wasn't washing clothes or sheets. Idk what the point of this was) Her: "yeah, I can do that" Me: "The other thing is kinda awkward. The other night, I heard a lot of moans, and they woke me up. Idk if that were you, but if it was, I'm not comfortable with you doing it that loud while I'm in the room" Her: "when?" Me: "Friday" Her: "what time?" Me: "around 5 or 6am I think" Her: "Well that wasn't me. I would've been dead asleep. Also, I don't do that kind of stuff and it makes me feel gross just thinking about it" Me: "alright. I scheduled a dorm change a few days ago though. I'm not accusing you of it or anything, but I'm going to keep that dorm change request to get away from whatever the source of those sounds were because its happened a couple times now" Today, I moved into my new dorm! It's much bigger, and my roommate seems nicer. She left her boyfriend with me alone all day though, which makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'll trust he's a good person and won't do anything. Moving out of my old dorm was awkward. My stepdad and I walked in, and my dormmate was literally hiding under the covers on her phone with the light off 💀 she usually does this even when all of the issues weren't brought up. She didn't say a word to me while I packed my stuff. Just got done decorating my new dorm an hour ago, and now I'm happy and relaxing Thank you all for your support and advice! It's helped this past month lol. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

How to deal with unhygienic roommate?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ge4j0/how_to_deal_with_unhygienic_roommate/

18ge4ld

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ball_smuggler **Originally posted to** r/amiwrong **Am I wrong for calling off our wedding after my SIL shaved my beard** **EDITOR’S NOTE: Added spaces for readability** Trigger Warnings: >!verbal abuse, harassment, emotional manipulation and abuse, institutionalization, physical violence, death of a parent!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/16j0w6z/am_i_wrong_for_calling_off_our_wedding_after_my/?share_id=nYyrCFqFdKX7gwkIOM3rb&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Sept 14, 2023** My (28m) fiancé (25f) who we'll call Lexi are a happy couple of 6 years and engaged for 1 or so I thought. for context my fiancé's sister (32f) we'll call her Sally, has always been hostile towards me and would rarely speak to me and when she did it would be because her parents were around. sally is Lexi's rock because she got her through a tough time during college and since then Lexi has told sally everything about everything. we've had problems with this in the past due to her telling Sally personal things about my childhood I'd only told a few people. wich led to us not speaking for 3 months during covid when she'd only leave our room for food and to go to the toilet, and recently we hadn't had an argument in a year plus until 3 nights ago she mentioned that she'd like me to shave my beard. for context I have a very thick beard that I've been growing for 8 years and am very proud. of so I ofcourse I told Lexi I wouldn't be shaving my beard to wich she stormed off to the kitchen and slammed her wine glass into the sink smashing it and a plate in the process. I immediately stood up and asked wtf she was doing, she then spun around and screamed that I'm a selfish a-hole because I won't shave my beard and ran to our bedroom and slammed the door. I ended up sleeping on the couch and woke up at around 4am to sally with a razor trying to shave my beard so I pushed her off me. Lexi then ran to check on Sally whilst I was looking at the big patch Sally had taken out of my beard, then I went upstairs and packed a bag whilst Lexi shouted at me for hurting sally. I told her to f-off and that the wedding was off and walked out the house and drove an hour to my parents house where I've been staying since the incident. earlier today I got a text from Sally saying I was selfish for not shaving my beard because when I go down on Lexi it feels wierd I haven't replied to her. my family think I should break off the relationship but her family said I should just shave it all and move on. So what should I do and am I wrong? EDIT: I don't know how many will see my other post so I'll put it here aswell, I've now got as of typing 99+ texts/calls from lexi saying things like "don't leave", "let's have sex one more time" and "I'm pregnant" she's trying to baby trap me I think. EDIT 2: Lexi messaged me wierd things "miss me" and "I'll take the baby to" Sally then messaged me saying Lexi is in hospital being treated after a su!cide attempt. I don't believe it at all, I've blocked Sally's number now. EDIT 3: I called the police and showed evidence of her suicidal messages so she hopefully will be getting checked Into an institution EDIT 4: Lexi's aunt who is the only person on her side that agrees with me, just called me to tell me Lexi has been checked into a psychiatric unit for 2 weeks. I'll keep ya'll updated if anything happens, but I should be ok for now EDIT 5: I just want to say thank-you for the overwhelming amounts of support. I've filed a police report on sally for assault, and I'm in the process of cancelling the wedding venue. EDIT 6: I'm back at the house I've had a locksmith change the locks just incase. The wedding venue can't be refunded but it was going to be paid by her parents anyways so I don't care. I've also contacted my lawyers. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Osidestarfish:** Why was sally there at 4am? >**OP:** My fiancée let her in **katatak121:** Giving the silent treatment is literally manipulative and abusive. You're not wrong for calling off the wedding, but please get some therapy before your next relationship. >**OP:** To clarify she didn't speak to me after I confronted her about spreading my trauma to people. I made an effort on multiple occasions to reconcile but she had none of it **Bright_Ad_9897:** Nobody is asking the important questions…. Is the beard ok? >**OP:** Apart from the two patches missing it safe to say it could be worse but I'd prefer a full beard &nbsp; [Update #1](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/16j30ms/update_am_i_wrong_for_calling_our_wedding_off/) - **Sept 14, 2023 (Almost two hours later)** I just got 52 missed calls/texts from Lexi saying things like please don't leave, let's have sex one last time wich she said alot and I just got one saying " I'm pregnant" I don't believe it for a second I think she's trying to baby trap me. • P.s stop mentioning the grammar/punctuation I have dyslexia &nbsp; [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/16j4p9y/update_2_am_i_wrong_for_calling_our_wedding_off/) - **Sept 14, 2023 (Two hours later)** I've had 2 hours sleep in and out of consciousness since update 1 and woke up to a barrage of text from lexi and Sally. lexi's weren't to Dissimilar except a few that said "I love u" "miss me" and "I'm taking the baby too". Sally messaged me saying lexi was in hospital after a su!cide attempt I just blocked her number. I don't believe a word but I'm genuinely starting to fuckin fear for what these crazies will pull next if I don't do something soon. &nbsp; [Update #3](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/18b0qrs/hello_im_the_my_sil_shaved_my_beard_guy/) - **Dec 4, 2023** Hi just thought I'd pop in and give and update for you lot. I would like to give a short run-down of things since said event. • lexi and I separated. (Expectedly) • my beautiful & brilliant adoptive mother passed away in November. • I moved to the UK, specifically Sheffield. • I bought my beautiful dog called Bailey. • I shaved my beard and grew the world's greatest movember moustache since its all for a great cause. Thank you all for the much needed abundance of support. :) love you all. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

Am I wrong for calling off our wedding after my SIL shaved my beard

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ge4ld/am_i_wrong_for_calling_off_our_wedding_after_my/

18ge54n

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/throwra0204mik **my (22f) partner (23m) keeps complaining about losing half of my eggs when i’m 30** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!manipulation, misogyny!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/6ODm7SRZtW)  **Dec 2, 2023** This is my very first relationship. we have been together 5 years now. he said he’s never wanted to get married or anything until he met me. recently he’s been complaining about my age. he says he wants to start having children when he is 30 but since we’re so close in age half of my eggs will be gone by then and he’s worried about me being infertile or having trouble having children (i have never had any symptoms or problems in that area so i’m not sure why). he says he wants his wife to be at age 25 by the time he turns 33. this isn’t the first time he’s talked about this. we had a convo before about this topic and he said that if i wasn’t able to have kids then one option was for him to have kids with another woman and then basically take the kids from her so that we can raise the kids together. he doesn’t want to adopt because it’s too much money and other options are too much money. but the thing is i’m perfectly fine and 99% sure i’ll be able to have children. i don’t know if there’s another woman or if he just doesn’t want me anymore. i never feel good enough for him. how do i deal with this? EDIT: thank you everyone for all of your advice and the kind words i appreciate everything so much. i will update as soon as i can! **RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP** **OOP on if they had prior conversations about kids or family** >we have talked about these things before we started our relationship. i told him i wanted 6 kids and to start at around age 26-27. he said he wanted the same but to start at age 28-30. things weren’t really a problem then >at the time he started complaining about my age is almost the same time a girl at his job had started flirting with him and making advances towards him (suggesting he buys her flowers and showing him her halloween costume which was very VERY revealing) and he let her do it because she got him free drinks when he was at work and he wanted to take advantage of that (that’s his reasoning). when i asked him how old she was he said she was 17-18 at first, but she works as a server at a pub so i knew it wasn’t the truth and then he told me she was about 22 y.o. so i can’t help but think maybe she has something to do with this situation [UPDATE](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/FmYZTFWJ4D)  **Dec 5, 2023** hi everyone, i was finally able to talk to him about everything. it was one of the hardest conversations i think i’ve ever had to do but at first i did as much research as i could and what i didn’t know about female fertility and started the discussion with that. he said he understands and if i won’t have trouble getting pregnant or having children at 30 then we should be “fine”. i made sure to tell him that his comment about wanting a girl 8 years younger than him scared me and made me feel that he would leave me as soon as i get too old. he explained that i misunderstood and he didn’t want a younger woman and he knows i can’t be 25 when he’s 33 but it would be ideal for him because of how he thought female fertility worked and he doesn’t want pregnancy or birth to be hard on me since i’m older. even tho we talked about everything i still don’t feel satisfied with the outcome. i continued to explain to him how hurt i was not just about this situation but everything else he has done that hurt me. surprisingly it didn’t turn into a fight and he tried comforting me and apologising and promising he wouldn’t do any of those things again and he didn’t want to hurt me. i didn’t really know what to say but i did my best to be honest with him and told him that i just couldn’t do it anymore and that i don’t trust him not to hurt me or keep his promises. i also said that i deserve to be loved and cherished and i’ve only been begging him for idk how long and i’m just so mentally, emotionally and even physically exhausted. he didn’t really say anything and i can’t really remember how the convo ended, i have the worst memory and i’m just so overwhelmed with all my emotions and stress so please bear with me and if you leave a comment please try and be nice i would really appreciate it. i haven’t talked to him since and he hasn’t tried to contact me or come see me (we don’t live together). after that happened i went and talked to my mom and told her everything that happened and she’s been soo supportive and comforting and just here for me since last night. i don’t wanna be unhappy and miserable i wanna be loved and cherished and cared for etc so i just really hope that maybe there is someone that will be good for me but honestly i can’t even think about another relationship. i wanna thank every single person for your advice and giving it to me straight forward and also for the sweet and supporting messages i will be forever grateful! if you haven’t and would like to read the first part here is the [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Rr6IUP57O6). this is the only update. TL;DR: i talked to my, now ex, partner about his comments about my fertility and having an 8 year gap with his wife as well as his behavior in our relationship. i decided the best thing for me was to get out of the relationship. i talked to my mother and she is giving me all of the support and comfort that i need. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **FartMasterChamp** >I know you're hurting right now but you're going to look back on this later, as one of the best decisions you ever made. This man sees women as incubators, not people. You deserve someone that loves you with their whole heart and sees you as a human being. That's the bare minimum. I remember reading your last post and being very very worried for you. I'm so relieved you have chosen to exit this toxic and unhealthy relationship. I've been in your position and you're probably second guessing yourself and thinking about his good qualities. Let me tell you something, even the worst person on the planet has some good qualities. That's not a reason to overlook bad behaviour of misogyny. You did the right thing by breaking up and do not let this man back into your life. You will never be happy and he'll always treat you like an object. I'm so proud of you for leaving. Lean on your loved ones and focus on healing. You've got this. **OOP** >>you’re right i have been second guessing myself but then i just make sure i remember all the horrible horrible things and it erases all of my second guessing. i do still wish i could find someone that will love and cherish me for who i am but at the same time i don’t want anyone i’d rather be by myself because this was really just traumatising. >>thank you so much for your kindness and advice and support i appreciate it all! **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

my (22f) partner (23m) keeps complaining about losing half of my eggs when i’m 30

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ge54n/my_22f_partner_23m_keeps_complaining_about_losing/

18ge5qo

**I am not The OOP, OOP is cumin-dickwad** **WIBTA if I intentionally included an allergen in some food so a racist couldn't eat it?** **Originally posted to the am-i-the-asshole-official Tumblr** **Thanks to u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!racism, slurs, nazism, antisemitism, mentions someone getting shot!< [Original Post](https://www.tumblr.com/cumin-dickwad/735854706984976384/wibta-if-i-intentionally-included-an-allergen-in) **Dec 2, 2023** I (21M, white) recently found out that I have to attend a Thanksgiving meal with a terrible fucking person. My boyfriend "Tim" wants to go to his old roommate's/best friend's (Jacob) Thanksgiving. Jacob is great! He and Tim have been friends since they were kids, and Tim used to spend a lot of time at Jacob's house since his own home life was... not great. And Jacob's immediate family is wonderful, as well. However, Jacob's uncle "Dickwad" is racist. I went to Jacob's Thanksgiving last year and Dickwad was a dickwad. It started out okay, he and I talked about cars, but after a few beers Dickwad was very clearly racist. He also kept bragging about how he threatened a homeless man with a gun (the homeless man was trying to break into his car - it's pretty common in this area) and called him several racist derogatory terms. He never said the N-word, but it was only a matter of time, so I left quickly. Well, Tim wants to go again this year. Everyone hates Dickwad but Jacob's parents say they can't NOT invite him since he's their brother. I say cut the bitch off, but it's not my family, and I don't want to leave Tim alone there since Dickwad has been cruel to Tim before (Tim is Asian and queer, but Dickwad thinks me and Tim are just friends and no one is about to tell him differently) and since I don't get to see Jacob that often. The rest of Jacob's family is chill and I know they would be disappointed if I didn't come. Well, Tim recently informed me that if I'm making something to bring to Thanksgiving, Dickwad is allergic to cumin. How allergic? Not much. He'd get hives if he ate it, but he's fine being near it, touching it, etc. He just can't consume it. Everyone knows I love to cook, and I'm a damn good cook, too. So I'm planning on making something with cumin so Dickwad can't have any, because fuck him, and fuck his guns, too. No one else there is allergic to cumin. I figured if anyone asks, I'll tell them I didn't know/forgot. I asked Jacob what he thought and he thought it would be hilarious and told me to do it. I haven't said anything to Tim because he's a lot nicer and will probably try to stop me. I don't know if this will get posted in time, but whatever. WIBTA if I put an allergen in food so a racist piece of shit can't eat it? **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** **UPDATE 1. Dec 3, 2023** So, to answer some questions/comments... Obviously, the deed is done. I made the food with cumin (it was a curry, btw, and some roasted carrots). Dickwad said that curry was "a disgusting [racial slur's] food" so he didn't want any anyways. Don't know what his thoughts were on the carrots (edited to say carrots, I made a chili that did not contain any cumin) I DID tell everyone that both dishes contained cumin before even setting them down, and I placed them on a separate counter to avoid cross-contamination. I thought that was a given in the post but I guess not. I know how bad food allergies can get. Part of how I got so good at cooking was because my sister has so many allergies and my parents refused to cater to her. For everyone saying that I'm messing with HIS food - it isn't his fucking food. If I sprinkled cumin on his plate, that's his food. It's like going to a buffet and being upset that there's something you don't like there. Jacob's mom hates pumpkin pie but that doesn't stop anyone from bringing it. Jacob is lactose intolerant but that doesn't stop anyone in the house from bringing dairy dishes. After Dickwad left Jacob's dad (Dickwad's brother) said he was glad that Dickwad couldn't eat it and patted me on the back and said I "did the right thing." Jacob's mom said it was mean but not much else, and Tim gave me a stern talking to in the car. **UPDATE 2. Dec 4, 2023** I have MORE context So, Tim found this post and thought he, Jacob, and I should all update it. I've accepted that I was the asshole, regardless of what Jacob and Jacob's dad thought, but Jacob wanted to give his explanation as to why he thought it was okay as well as some events that transpired after Thanksgiving *Jacob didn't know all that much about allergens, and he says he's pretty sure Dickwad only claims to be allergic to certain things as an excuse to avoid foreign/ethnic foods. Regardless of this, I still accept the asshole verdict. Fair enough *Dickwad is not just a racist, he's also a Nazi. He has a neonazi flag on the back of his truck *Dickwad is no longer invited to any holiday dinners. This shouldn't be an issue because shortly after Thanksgiving he was arrested. This is unrelated to the cumin. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **thedandeliongarden** >What do you mean you’ve accepted you’re the asshole???? The poll clearly states NTA or JAH, which is absolutely not YTA???? >And the shithead’s a nazi. I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say intentional deception to feed him food he’s allergic to wouldn’t make you the asshole but, quite frankly, I’d look the other way even if it killed him. >Because that would save lives. >The restraint your have shown is meticulous and you are simply not the arsehole - that would be the fucking nazi. **OOP** >>At the time of my posting it was in favor of JAH, with NTA following and YTA in third place. I was afraid that the extra info (such as him being a Nazi and shooting his wife) would sway votes in my favor when I want to reiterate - I did NOT now about him being a Nazi until after Thanksgiving (although I did have my suspicions) and he didn't shoot his wife until after Thanksgiving. I may have properly judged his character but that doesn't take away from the fact that I did not know these things prior to my decision to include the cumin. Therefore I don't want the additional info to sway people's votes, but it seems it already has... >>I know what I did was wrong, but I'm still glad I did it, and tbh after everything I wish he did eat the cumin. **ADDITIONAL INFORMATION** [here](https://www.tumblr.com/allurascastle/tagged/can%20you%20elaborate%20on%20him%20being%20arrested) I didn't want to answer this question so early because I don't want it to sway people's judgement since this occurred AFTER thanksgiving, but to answer prev (and the one person who dmed me) He shot his ex-wife. She's safe now and out of the hospital and staying with a friend out of state. It seems like she has no permanent damage (she was already wheelchair user and he shot her in the leg, but it seems he was actually trying to kill her. She was in very poor health and would likely have been unable to get help had it not been for her life alert). Tim, Jacob and I are going to her friend's house to install a ramp for her. I can update again later once/if I have more information. [Jacob's dad told Dickwad's ex-wife about the cumin incident so now she wants to try my cooking](https://www.tumblr.com/cumin-dickwad/735915059844448256/jacobs-dad-told-dickwads-ex-wife-about-the-cumin) **Dec 5, 2023** Context here. I'm going there with Tim and Jacob on the 16th. Also since she lives several hours away I will most likely be cooking at her house. She and her friend are both okay with this and offered to buy ingredients (I will still buy them though). **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

WIBTA if I intentionally included an allergen in some food so a racist couldn't eat it?

EXTERNAL

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ge5qo/wibta_if_i_intentionally_included_an_allergen_in/

18gf342

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [ThrowRA\_griefwife](https://www.reddit.com/user/ThrowRA_griefwife/). He posted in r/TrueOffMyChest. A reminder that this sub has the 7 day waiting period, so the **latest update is 7 days old.** Please remember the no brigading rule. **Trigger Warning:** >!mental health issues; dissociation; infidelity!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!genuinely fucked up!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/185j53c/im_considering_divorcing_my_wife_because_she_cant/)**: November 27, 2023** Yeah, I know, everyone is fired up at the title and ready to tell me what an asshole I am. To those people, I implore you to read the rest of this post before making a judgement. My (36M) wife's (33F) mother passed away 5 years ago from lung cancer. It was not a peaceful or easy death. Our lives understandably went on pause after the diagnosis and we both spent a lot of time off work helping care for her mother. My wife had a pretty typical showing of grief at the time, cycling through different stages. Same with our three kids. After she passed, however, my wife got really bad. I totally understand this. I can't say I know exactly what she went through, because I haven't had a parent die, but I understand how devastated she was. For months after she could barely function. I gently took over pretty much all the responsibilities in the household and with the kids. She had been attending grief counseling since the diagnosis and continued after the death. None of this is the problem. I endeavored to be as supportive as possible. She cried on my shoulder every night for months and I just thought this was the "worse" of "for better or worse". The problem is that after 5 years, she does not seem any better or more functional. She stopped grief counseling about 4 years ago and refused to go again, stating it would not help her and that nothing could. About a month before any major holiday, she will have a major downturn. In bed half the day, crying all day, does not want to interact with the family, does not have the energy to do anything around the house. This will go on every single day until about a week after the holiday ends. Every holiday is intense grief, just as much now as it was 5 years ago. October, November, December, and January (her mom's birthday month) every year are particularly bad; I am essentially without my wife, and am a single parent to my three kids. All together, she is completely incapacitated by grief for about 6 months out of the year, and has been the past 5 years. When I say incapacitated, I mean incapacitated. When she is in the depths of her grief she is completely incapable of intimacy with me or the kids. There is no cuddling, spending time with us, going on family outings. I don't have sex for half the year. I've stopped asking her if she wants to talk about it because she can't get any words out between sobs if she tries. What hurts the most is that the kids have stopped asking or being concerned. If they see their mom in bed when they get home, they just go about their day and might casually mention "oh, mom is sad today" if their siblings or I ask where she is. They don't really seek affection with her anymore, because they rarely get anything more than tears. I've discussed this with therapists, my parents, friends, etc. and I know all the rebuttals people have for this, so let me preempt them: \-She is unwilling to go back to therapy for grief counseling or to see a doctor for depression. Yes, I know she's severely depressed. I can't force her to go to the doctor. I've tried so much. \-Yes, it really is just as intense as it was 5 years ago. \-No, I never tell her to "get over it" or blow her off. On my worst days I just give space and leave her be, most days I try to offer her some comfort. If you want to judge me for leaving her alone, whatever, but know that I feel like I essentially have caretaker fatigue at this point. \-No, she does not have a history of depression, but she does have ADHD. Don't know if that's relevant. I feel like my wife died when her mom died. I would do anything to get her back, even a small piece of her, but she doesn't seem willing or able to move on past her mom's death. I feel awful for considering a divorce, but I don't know what else to do. **First Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/186vaes/update_on_grieving_wife/)**: November 29, 2023 (2 days later)** I posted a few days ago, you can check my profile for that post. I just kind of threw that post together as a stream of consciousness vent on my break at work. I didn't go back and look at it until later because I just assumed it would get buried since I've never had anything I posted get any major attention. And, honestly, I thought I was going to get eviscerated in the comments for being insensitive or uncaring. I was floored by the number of responses and really kind DMs I got and felt a little overwhelmed at the idea of responding to them all, so I figured I would post an update here. A few people mentioned I should have her involuntarily admitted to a medical facility. I didn't mention in the original post but I did ask our family doctor about that maybe a year ago, and he told me that unless she is a threat to herself or others, it's unlikely to happen. I looked this up myself as well and that appears to be true for the state we live in. I do agree that she needs medical treatment. I suspect that during her year of grief counseling after her mom's death that she was not honest with her counselor. I have a distinctly sad memory of her coming home after one of her last sessions and telling me that her counselor said she probably wouldn't need to go much longer, then she went and laid down on the bed and cried. I haven't been able to convince her to go back to counseling. However, I'm glad I posted to Reddit, because somehow I hadn't really considered that she might need more intensive treatment than just counseling. I also saw one comment that scared the hell out of me, that she may do something drastic if I give her a divorce ultimatum. With those things in mind, I don't think doing that is the way to go. Instead, I'm planning to write her a letter explaining how her how we need her back, and that we love her and care for her deeply but she needs more help than we can provide alone, and tell her that she needs to go to the doctor and be honest about what she's been going through. Thank you for your advice everyone. **Second Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18bnkv6/last_update_on_grieving_wife/)**: December 5, 2023 (6 days later)** I wasn't planning to post again but got a lot of supportive messages asking for an update so here we go. My soon-to-be-ex wife has completely lost her fucking mind. After my last post I spent a couple of days writing the letter to her. In it I explained that the kids and I love her dearly, and that we're concerned for her. I outlined all the worrying behavior and told her that I believe she needs to seek additional medical care. I explained that it sounded like she had complex grief (thank you everyone who pointed that out), and that the grief therapy she went to years ago was insufficient to help her get through it. I did not say anything about potentially divorcing her, but did say that the kids can't continue to live in their current situation. It was a long letter and I don't really feel like transcribing it here. I read the letter to her the same night I finished writing it after the kids had gone to bed. After I finished reading she just stared right through me (thousand yard stare) for probably 15 minutes, then finally stood up and started walking to the door. I panicked and tried to stop her, asked her where she was going, can we talk about this, I'm concerned for your safety. She ROLLED HER EYES AT ME and said in the coldest voice I've ever heard her use: "I hope when your parents die someone doesn't tell you to get over it." After that I didn't try to stop her, I just let her go. I was pissed off for maybe 5 minutes before the panic set back in. I legitimately thought she was going to end herself. I checked my phone and she had turned her location off. I called and texted probably 50 times over the next hour, begging her to at least let me know she was ok and that she wasn't going to do something drastic. Right before I was about to call the police, I got a call from her phone. I answered immediately and before I could get much of anything in, a man's voice told me "she fine but she doesn't want to talk to you" and hung up. I felt like I was having an out of body experience at the time. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I almost called the cops anyway but I was disassociating hard and talked myself out of it. I kept calling her phone all night but no one picked up again. After about 2 AM it started going straight to voicemail. I barely slept that night. When I woke up the next day she wasn't home. I took the kids to school/daycare (I normally do this and my wife is normally still asleep while I do, so thank god they didn't ask where mom was). I tried calling my wife's phone more all morning but still voicemail. I called her office and asked if she was at work, and they told me she had called in sick. I called in sick to work as well and basically just sat on my couch, trying to get ahold of her, while being a nervous wreck. I called my mom as well and asked if she could pick the kids up from school today and watch them overnight. I didn't tell her everything that was going on yet, just that something had come up that was urgent and I needed some help. My wife walked in the door sometime after 4 PM. I tried to hug her and she shied away from me. I asked her where she had been, no response, just a blank stare. I asked her who had called me from her phone, no response, blank stare. At this point I was frustrated and told her that if she didn't want to explain what was going on, she could get the fuck out. I regret saying it that way now but holy shit was I frustrated. So she started talking, but it was like I was talking to a text-to-speech AI with her voice. No emotion, totally flat, almost annoyed. She told me that she had gone to her friend John's (fake name) house. I had no idea who the fuck John was and asked her to explain further. Over a two hour or so conversation where I had to pry details out of her, I got most of the story. She was answering like a lawyer - very basic answers, no details or context outside of exactly what I was asking her. Basically, John is a coworker. I've met the dude once or twice at office party type events but never really talked to him. I never saw him hanging out with my wife or showing interest in her. But apparently over the last year or so, she has been spilling all her feelings about her grief over her mom's death to him, and he's been comforting her. He had a parent die from cancer too so I guess she felt they had a connection she didn't have with me. After I read her the letter she says she realized that I "don't care about her or her mom's death" and went to John's house to talk/be comforted. I flat out asked her if she was having an affair with him, and she told me no. I asked her why she never mentioned she was close friends with this unknown guy and she told me it was none of my business. I asked her if anything had happened between them while she was there and she says they "cuddled" and he "held her while she cried". I asked to see her phone to check messages between them and she refused. I couldn't get much more detail out of her about the whole situation. So when she went to take a shower, I tried to check her phone. She had changed her passcode. I grabbed her iPad, which still had my thumb print biometric signature in it, and checked there. I left the house with the iPad to look for evidence while she was in the shower. I did not immediately see any messages to or from a "John", but after digging briefly, I found it. She had put him in as "Stacy" in her contacts, but it was obviously him. There were texts going back well over a year. A lot of her talking about her mom, a lot of him comforting her. A lot of him telling her I don't really care about her, and that he would never treat her that way if they were married. All of her replies were in agreement. A lot of texts from her complaining about me. A lot of him trash talking me. The night she left, she had texted him "fuck it, I'm on my way over if the offer is still there" followed by an immediate "yes!" reply. Then the next morning, a text from her to him saying "if he asks, we just talked." I threw up out my car door in a Walmart parking lot for 20 minutes. I came home and found her on the couch on her phone, seemingly unconcerned or unaware I had even left. I told her that I knew, and that she needed to leave. Again she just stared at me for a while, not responding, until I got aggravated and told her to get the fuck out of the house. She immediately got up, told me "John was right about you", and left. I haven't seen her since. I told the kids she went to visit her parents. I don't know what to tell them, but I have to tell them something soon. I don't really even know what to do. Ostensibly I need to divorce her, but going through custody, child support, etc. is dizzying. I feel paralyzed and haven't made a move yet. I know she's lost her mind and this is probably some kind of psychotic break but I just can't care anymore. I put on a brave, numb face to go to work, then for my kids at night, and then cry after they go to bed until I fall asleep. I feel like my life is essentially over. I do feel like John took advantage of her vulnerability, but I don't even want to bother trying to get her to see that he's a predator. She chose this over her fucking family that has stuck with her. I don't think I'll be posting any more updates or logging into this account anymore.

I'm considering divorcing my wife because she can't get over her mom dying.

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18gf342/im_considering_divorcing_my_wife_because_she_cant/

18gycw3

\*\*\*This one is a little different, I am the OOP, I just wanted to share this, hope this is okay\*\*\* \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* [https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/comments/vd567h/hi\_mom\_its\_been\_20\_years\_since\_i\_lost\_you\_and\_i/](https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/comments/vd567h/hi_mom_its_been_20_years_since_i_lost_you_and_i/) (July 11, 2022) Hi mom and moms out there. I lost you when I was 18 and it'll be 20 years this year next month and I still feel lost. I still cry sometimes and feel like I can't breathe. I sometimes don't know how to function. Therapy hasn't helped much and no form of outlet helps. I don't know what I'll do when July 20th comes. My boyfriend will be out of town on a work trip and I am afraid to still ask for help from my friends at this point, because I feel like I should be over it by this point. I need to know what to do on that day to make it easier. Suggestions welcomes. &#x200B; \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* [https://www.reddit.com/r/UnsentLetters/comments/1552cf7/update\_its\_that\_time\_of\_year\_again/](https://www.reddit.com/r/UnsentLetters/comments/1552cf7/update_its_that_time_of_year_again/) (1 year later, July 20, 2023) &#x200B; (I tried posting this to r/MomForAMinute but it was removed and I was told to post here instead) Hi mom and moms, I wrote exactly one year ago, on the 20th anniversary of your passing, and at the time, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do to celebrate you. I ended up spending it with my boyfriend, who you would absolutely love, had dinner that involved avocados (because I know how much you loved those, they were your favorite thing besides small dogs), and we went for a drive past the house you grew up in, because I coincidently live next to the city where the house is located. It has a large palm tree in front of it, which I bet you loved. I told all my friends the great stories I remember about you, like how you tried growing your own palm trees but they kept dying because of course, we lived in Michigan, which is not exactly the California weather they were used to and can survive, but by golly, did you try (at least six times that I remember). I also told the stories about how you turned mine and my brothers socks into sweaters for the chihuahua puppy, because “he was cold” and needed to look fashionable in a green sock. I told a lot more, but those are two of my favorite examples. I started a new job, which you would be very excited for me. It’s half a mile walk from my apartment, so I’m getting all the sunshine and fresh air. I’m keeping busy at it and it’s definitely an upgrade from the last job, and the people are much more friendly and helpful. I want to call you and tell you all about the new job, about my boyfriend and everything in my life, but I can’t. I don’t even have your ashes here to talk to them. It’s been 21 years, but I think I finally got used to you being gone. Like grandma always said, you never fully get over it, you just learn how to handle it a little more each day. Tonight, I’ll be going to a special dinner with friends, since the boyfriend is working Comic Con down in San Diego and he had to leave for it yesterday. He said we’ll do something when he gets back. Happy anniversary, mom. Love you and miss you. (I don’t know if anyone read all of this, but I wanted to get it off my brain.) &#x200B; \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* &#x200B; \*\*\*Reminder, I am OOP and I wanted to share this with my favorite sub\*\*\* &#x200B;

I wrote to my mom after 20 years + 1 year update

CONCLUDED

phisigtheduck

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18gycw3/i_wrote_to_my_mom_after_20_years_1_year_update/

18h92ki

**I AM NOT THE OOP. The OOP is** u/liliyahdancer. **She posted in** r/AmItheAsshole [Previous BORU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/12q9ksz/aita_for_buying_stuff_for_me_instead_of_helping/) Trigger Warnings: >!Abuse!< Mood Spoiler: >!hopeful!< **Original** [**Post**:](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12hqop2/aita_for_buying_stuff_for_me_instead_of_helping/) **April 10 (?), 2023** Hey, I (14F) am a dancer. I am unfortunately unable to go to classes very often because of my families financial needs. (I am very grateful that I am able to even participate in dance) When I had just turned 14, I began working at my favorite ice cream shop near my house to save money for equipment: a barre, leo and dance shoes like my teacher suggested, stretching equipment and a gymnastics beam and a few mats just for fun. I also did mini-jobs on the side like mowing lawns, babysitting, house chores for neighbors etc when I was 13 to when I could afford my equipment. This took so much time and effort but I was eventually able to afford a few things I wanted. I had told my parents in advance that I would be working to earn money for some fun equipment and they had been okay with it, so their reaction confuses me. It was complicated to be able to order the stuff because my parents always said they were busy, but when we went to target I transferred my cash to an Amazon gift card and ordered everything on Amazon. Everything was scheduled to come in a few weeks, and it finally got here today. I brought the packages inside and I guess I was making a lot of noise because my dad came in and asked what everything was. I told him i had bought dance equipment and he looked angry. He asked if i had used their money and i said no, how would I even use it? He knew i had been working for months, and i had been out of the house a lot so if he somehow forgot it would be weird for him to ignore the fact that I was always out. He asked how much money this cost. Alltogether, my total was around $800 or $812.54. He suddenly got this very very very angry look on his face, he gets angry with me often, but I don’t see this certain face very often, so I was a bit scared. Dad called my mom in, and told her i had somehow made over $800 and instead of helping them out i had been selfish and bought things for myself. I was screamed at, and my parents told me I should've helped them pay bills or at least helped paid for my dance lessons if i was mature enough to "start working and buy stuff behind their back" when i had told them MULTIPLE TIMES over the last few months that I had gotten a job, and that I was excited to get new dance equipment.. i had even told them right after I placed the order So it makes no sense for them to say this. They told me to return everything and give them all "their money" back, and when I refused, i was sent upstairs and I didn’t get to eat. I told my friends at school. 4 of them agree with my parents and say it wasn't okay for me to not help them out. 2 of them say I worked hard and that I deserve to do what I want with my money. Relatives have called my parents phone to speak to me and told me to just give them "their money" and that I was being a brat, and I even heard mom telling someone I was going through a rebellious teen stage and that I was a selfish thief.I dont understand what I did wrong but I also do feel bad because I could have used my money to help us out. Was it wrong for me to do this, and should I have made extra money to help them with the bills? I didn’t know it was that bad. AITA? **OOP voted NTA** **Update 1** [**Post**](https://www.reddit.com/user/LiliyahDancer/comments/12iiby3/update_aita_for_buying_stuff_for_me_instead_of/)**: April 11, 2023** Hey everyone I just wanted to say I really, really reallyyyy appreciate all the support, love, comments and messages you gave me. I know it sounds cringey to say that but they honestly really helped me a lot and it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Here are the answers to some questions you asked, because it’s hard to respond to all individually, haha A lot of people asked if I could keep the stuff at a friends house or my ballet teachers house. I dont think I'll be able to ask my ballet teacher because my parents are saying they are going to take me out but I can see if I can go to a friends house? Some people asked if I know how bad our financial status is? Our status is complicated, like we are in a good place to be able to buy good things, but my parents don't want to spend money on anything because they are afraid of going broke. They get money whenever and wherever they can, and a year ago my Dad asked a friend for a big loan because he said we were homeless when we were pretty okay Some people asked if there was somewhere else i can live: not that I currently know of :( A few hours after I posted I went online and saw all the comments and I was really happy that it wasn't my fault because if it was I would've felt horrible. I thought about it for a bit, and I showed the comments to my parents because I knew I wouldn’t be able to explain my point myself because they would say the whole “We aren’t arguing with a 14 year old” Thing that they always do. I didn’t think it through very well because they were very angry that I had posted our business online and told strangers about our “families business”. Unfortunately, I’ll be taken out of dance as a whole and this is so disappointing because I love to dance, it’s one of the only things I’m good at and it calms me down so well, but I know there’s a dance option as an elective for my school that i wanted to take but I decided not to because I wanted to try something new (art. I’m not good at art, it was a bad idea to do that elective and I’m regretting that decision a lot right now) the thing is i just don't think if I'm going to be able to transfer this late, and I wont be able to do it over the summer. My parents yelled at me for awhile, but I’m not comfortable with including what they said, sorry. This morning when I woke up, all of my stuff was gone. All of it. i couldnt find it and I know I left it by the front door because that’s when my dad came in and all. At first I thought they moved it somewhere else to make space, but I could find it anywhere, I ended up asking my parents where my stuff was AND THEY SAID THEY SOLD IT. ☹️ They pawned it all. I worked so hard for all of my equipment. I spent so much time working for this, and missed out on so much because I thought it would all be worth it. I had to wait so much time just to be able to afford everything and then I forgot about adding tax so I had to wait more, then i had to wait patiently for it all to arrive and after what felt like years and years and years it finally all came. i could finally see that my hard work paid off when i could see it all right in front of me- and i never even got to use it any of it. My parents just sold it all just like that all my money that i worked forever for is just gone and I can’t do anything about it. It’s not fair. This is more of a vent post rather than an update so I apologize but oh my gosh all my hard work that I paid for it’s just gone. I don’t know what to do but I’ve been crying for a very long time. I dont want to go through all of that again but what else can I do?? **Relevant Comments:** Can you tell a teacher? "It's spring break, so it will take awhile. But I dont think it's that bad to have to tell somebody" This isnt okay, it is that bad. You need to tell a school counselor. “I'm scared to report my own parents, they will be mad at me if they get in trouble and what if they don't even get in trouble? They'll hate me forever I don't know what to do” **Update** [**post**](https://www.reddit.com/user/LiliyahDancer/comments/12it2a3/update_2_aita_for_buying_stuff_for_me_instead_of/) **2: May 13** Hi everyone! I wanted to post this quick update because unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to post again for awhile. I went to my friend “Cameron's” house and I told Cameron's mom my situation, and she took me to the police. Right now, I'm getting help and I'm learning that a lot of things my parents do arent normal or okay. thank you everyone for pushing me to go to the police because I never would’ve learned this. 🤍 I might be staying at Cameron's house for awhile, its a lot better here and I feel a lot Calmer than I do at my house. Thank you everyone for all your support and messages and I promise to update y’all when I can :) **Relevant comments:** Hugs sweetie. Your parents are thieves. Not only of you but of their friend that loaned them money.I'm so glad you had an adult you could trust. You're such an amazing person.You earned $800! That's so much at your age! “Thank you!! It's crazy how a bunch of people I dont know online are better then my actual parents. I do hope they wont send me back and thank you for reading my posts :) and I'll try my best to join the dance elective“ “Thank you so much but I think I'll be okay :)” **Update** [post](https://www.reddit.com/user/LiliyahDancer/comments/134xjnq/update_3/) **3: May 25 2023** Hi! Thank you all for taking the time out of your days to write entire essays just to make sure im alright it means the world to me and ive never gotten that kind of thing before, sorry I’m not able to respond to everyone so I just wanted to say it here because I promise I appreciate it so so much. THANK YOU!!!I’m still not allowed to say much, but I did find out that I’m getting money back. Right now, I’m staying at another family members house instead of Cameron's but so far it is looking like i will be going back to my parents but Cameron’s family, the family I’m staying with and a few other people are on my side and we are trying our best. Thank you for your much support it’s giving me so much motivation and I hope to see things change 😁 **Update** [**post**](https://www.reddit.com/user/LiliyahDancer/comments/18bkwp2/update/) **4: December 5, 2023** Hey everyone!! I have been doing really well lately :) Right now I’m living with a few amazing people who are super kind and attentive, they mean the world to me. Honestly I just feel different then I used to for so many years, I don’t know even how to explain it but things seem so much brighter now. And guess what… I’ve got my own mini home gym in the basement! I didn’t even have to pay for it myself, It was a huge surprise that I will be forever grateful for I love it so much!! I use it almost everyday (it’s a bit of an obsession 🥹) and I’ve got equipment that I didn’t even think that I would ever be able to afford. About my dance lessons, I take gymnastics classes instead of dance now because tumbling has always interested me, but in dance I only did a little tumbling, so I always did gymnastics during my free time which is why I bought the mat along with the other equipment so I could try to learn safer. Now that I take classes and have new equipment and no strict rules from my parents, I can actually learn more skills! It’s not too important but I got my standing back tuck last week! Everything isn’t 100% amazing right now, and I’m still having a little trouble with my parents and where I’m staying but I really really reallyyyy think everything is going to be okay soon, so I’ll give it a solid 79%. It’s a little weird because I’m not used to everything that’s going on but for the most part, it’s so much better then what things used to be and I didn’t realize how bad things were before until I got out which is why I am so appreciative to you all for helping me out. I genuinely cannot put into words how much I am thankful for you all and i wouldn’t be here if I hadnt posted in AITA back in April which amazes me and I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if I never posted, but I don’t like to think about that. Thank you all and Happy Holidays! 🫶🤍🎄 **Please remember the no brigading rule: do not comment on Liliyah's original posts or DM her.**

AITAH for buying stuff for me instead of helping my family?

NEW UPDATE

Zuri-Forever

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h92ki/aitah_for_buying_stuff_for_me_instead_of_helping/

18h93pm

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Crazy_Pancake4252 **AITA for telling my friend he is a misogynist?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!verbal abuse, misogyny, mentions of depression and trauma, Cyber stalking!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/UqPuAIZXwn)  **Sept 22, 2023** For some background,I have known this guy for a few years but we only became good friends when high school was ending.He had a gf & she left him after three years stating that she has fallen out of love with him.He badmouthed his ex to everyone & fought with her relatives, friends.It's a long story. Here's why I think he might be a Misogynist : 1. He keeps slut shaming his ex and it's been a year since the breakup. For eg, if she's going out and wearing something that shows a tiny bit of her cleavage, he will get jealous, post rants about women in general & say "other men are getting access to something that is his". 2. If she and her friends have a get together involving drinking, smoking, he will post essays on how fake feminism is so prevalent nowadays, how real feminism is not drinking & smoking & freaking multiple men etc. (Mind you the ex & her friend group are not that active on social media and do not advocate about feminism online.) 3. He always shares news articles of women wronging men & posts cryptic captions like "this is what's happening to men these days".And never posts about the vice versa. 4. He keeps saying that he has a problem with the "girls of this generation" & how they take advantage of men because the society is biased in favour of women. 5. Once during a convo, I told him that I will take my boyfriend with me everywhere because I enjoy his company. He basically laughed & said that rather HE (my bf) will take me with him and that I will eventually fall out of love with my bf too because that's what happens, girls get tired & leave. 6. He insists that I find him a gf and asks me to introduce him to my friends. One day I told my friend that he liked her and she said she did know who he was and politely declined saying she just wasn't in the dating scene. I told him and he did not take it well. He said if he tried hard enough he could get any girl he wants and my friend is basically worth nothing once he gets a prettier girl. 7. He has this outlook that he only wants to marry a virgin because she would have little dating/sexual history. But thinks that a woman shouldn't prefer a virgin man bcoz men experienced in bed are better. 8. Keeps telling me how much my boyfriend pampers me. He asked me once if I would let my bf have a threesome and I said no. So he said to let the man have some fun and "don't be so uptight, men don't like women like this". During an argument a few days ago, I just had enough and told him that he is a misogynist.He called me a stupid bitch and told me to shut up because how could I assume a person was misogynistic by simply watching their posts. We didn't talk again and I apologized a few days later for lashing out. He accepted it but said how could I call him that when he was practically raised by a single mother. He has a point but I still can't shake the feeling that he is somewhat misogynistic. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **potenttechnicality** >Wow, he really didn't take the break up well, did he? Hopefully as the pain fades he becomes reasonable. This is one of the awful consequences of social media. Instead of growing out of his anger, he finds groups who are also angry and reinforce each other and everybody gets worse. "Community" on the internet is never inherently good. **OOP** >>I don't know if he will ever get better. I once tried telling him to focus on self improvement and mental health. He said those fancy terms weren't for Men. He tried dating months after his breakup and those ended badly. * **cassowary32** >INFO why on earth did you apologize to him and why is this AH still your friend?? **OOP** >>After that argument I was really pissed off but as it faded I realised he brings out the worst in me and I am kinder than this. Plus, a few days after the fight, he had a death in his family. I just could not be that evil and not support a friend through a tough time. He was really mean at first but then it got normal gradually. He overall did have a bad year (not justifying anything). I had decided even if the situation got better I would keep my distance. That's what I did, I responded vaguely to his rants about girls which eventually resulted in him saying awful things yet again just days later. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/k1V89GL7g9)  **Dec 5, 2023** Thought I would give an update even though only a few people saw the previous post. So I cut off my male friend. I have no regrets about the decision even though initially I was a bit hesitant to do it. He made some attempts at reconciliations and apologies etc, but after receiving cold replies from my side, he eventually stopped bothering me. Now, important to note, that I haven't blocked him anywhere just unfollowed him and I do not text him anymore, we absolutely have had no contact in these past months but I can see his activities. However, he makes posts targeting me in order to elicit a reaction or a response from me but I never gave him the satisfaction of a response. Now to the present, recently he posted something offensive targeting me. So I posted a similar post directed at him very subtly (childish I know but I am beyond caring at this point, I just wanted to be a little petty). This idiot almost instantly calls up MY boyfriend 🤣 and complains to him about me. He rants to my bf about how he's depressed because of the friendship breakup and how nothing in his life is good, this year is very traumatic for him etc and that my post was specifically targeting him. My boyfriend played it cool and remained diplomatic, but he was on my side the entire time. He instantly informed me about all the bullshit my ex friend spewed about me. He later also told my bf that he was up for friendship again if I am feeling like it. Hell Nah!!! That man really thought he is so smart that he would go and rant to my boyfriend and try to convince me through bf and get a fair stance because my bf is considered a good and thoughtful person by everyone. Ofcourse my boyfriend will always support me (excluding situations where I'm wrong because he will make me understand).But my ex-friend's thought process is hilarious to me. 🤣 **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **CakeRoLL** >NTA >Great tea. **OOP** >That's why, I thought I should spill it :) **OOPS final comment about seeing their ex-friend for who they were** >The reality check I needed. I have no excuse for letting his BS go on for so long except the fact that my naive mind really thought maybe he is a good person underneath just gets misunderstood a lot. Nope! He needs therapy. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for telling my friend he is a misogynist?

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h93pm/aita_for_telling_my_friend_he_is_a_misogynist/

18h93ro

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ThrowRAptsdvasectomy **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **Husband won’t get a vasectomy and it’s tearing us apart—how do we make this work?** Trigger Warnings: >!PTSD, PPD, stalking, harassment, traumatic childbirth, sexual abuse!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/to3www/comment/i25ew0i/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) - **March 25, 2022** I’ve never actually posted on Reddit before but here it goes (I apologize for spelling or grammar). We have just had twins, we knew we had only wanted one, but instead we got two…and I nearly died in childbirth. It was extremely traumatic—I’m an now in weekly therapy for postnatal ptsd and ppd. I also have physical therapy from torn abdominal muscles from the pregnancy and much more. I love my girls, but it’s been very hard. For the last 5mnths I have asked my husband if he would get a vasectomy. I cannot get hormonal birth control (health reasons) and just the idea of getting anything inserted now, due to the trauma literally makes me vomit. I am given laughing gas and anxiety meds just to get checkups now. (And it just so happens that are twins were created from a broken condom.) My husband’s responds has been ‘I will, later’ …until two days ago when I asked him and he yelled that he would ‘never get it done’. We have not had sex since the birth. Well, once, but that was traumatic on its own. I asked him why, and he didn’t have an answer and just told me to drop it. I told him we wouldn’t be having sex again then, and he just looked at me flabbergasted. I’ve moved to the guest bedroom, because he’s been ‘flirting’ and trying to initiate intact with me since I said this. Honestly, it’s his body, but I’m not sure I can stay with him when he clearly has no care or appreciation for what my body or my mental state did to bringing our children into this world—I love him but this really feels like a lacking in his love for me and I’m not sure I can forgive him for it. How do I explain to him that the idea of him simply being able to get me pregnant again makes my skin crawl and nausea to nearly choke me, that sometimes when he touches me as much as I enjoy it it gives me goosebumps…and not in a good way—I tried once before and I literally cried quietly into the pillow the whole time because the fear and anxiety was so acute. I didn’t tell him this because I didn’t want him to feel guilty. This isn’t going away any time soon. Maybe the ppd will fade, but the ptsd is something I will likely be working through with my therapist for years. How do I explain this to him? How to I rectify our relationship with this if we can’t have sex? Is this even worth attempting to rectify, because to me it really feels like he doesn’t care about me since I constantly makes it clear that he doesn’t want any more kids. EDIT: (I was told to add this to my post) I cannot mentally or physically/medically have any invasive surgical contraceptive procedures done in the near or foreseeable future as stated by multiple obgyns. No, I am no going to go any more into depth on my medical history or why. Yes, my husband knows this and have heard this stated by my doctors. I have also had a traumatic incident prior to the birth of my twins with a copper iud that needed to be removed surgically. EDIT 2: He will not go to therapy. His parents were therapist and it has left a bad taste for therapy. He refuses. FINAL EDIT: Honestly I read a lot of responses…almost all of them I would say. And there were the middle ground people and the ‘you can’t force him’ people and the ‘your husband doesn’t care about you’ people. I wasn’t forcing him. I was begging him. For empathy over what I did and gave up to bring our children into this world. For a show of caring for the trauma it left me. And to know that he would be there for me in sickness and in health. He has stated so many times that he does not want more children. Even that we ‘have one too many’ now. I’m also not ‘punishing him by withholding sex’ clearly do not understand ptsd…or most importantly, that my body isn’t his, and he does not have a right to sex with me. I cannot withhold something that is no his. I’m going to take some time away from my husband, because honestly reading these responses have not given me any more insight into why he would be willing to risk my health and mental state to avoid a vasectomy—when I know if the situations were reversed, I would do that for him. And frankly HAVE. When I attempted to get a copper IUD because he didn’t like the feeling over condoms early on in our relationship, even though I was scared…and it left me passed out on the floor of the doctors from pain, and then two days later in the emergency room because it had done damage and I was bleeding excessively. This isn’t the man I married, or I didn’t think it was. Otherwise I would have never risked all that I did for him, or given all these years to him. (And since this is a constant thing coming-up. As stated in multiple comments and in my last edit I cannot get my tubs tied both for mental/emotional reasons, and medical/physical reason as made clear to me by 2 separate obgyns.) And to all the men here telling me that him getting a vasectomy won’t help and saying they if I leave him I’d never find anyone who would take me. Thanks. I’m bi, and I certainly would never date a man again. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Commentator:** You can’t force it but you can absolutely say no sex or none without a condom. That’s well within your rights. Although if that is the solution is that a viable relationship solution. I don’t think so personally >**OP:** A broken condom is what got me pregnant. I could not imagine risking that again. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18cgo0v/update_my_30f_husband_30m_wont_get_a_vasectomy/?share_id=KccLIrR1cZvE2g6EP3Mg9&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **December 6, 2023** I just found this account so if anyone cares, here’s an update. We are weeks from our official divorce. It was a deal breaker for and a lack of care for my personal and mental well-being a new a disrespect towards what I’d given up to have our children. I couldn’t get over it. He kept trying to pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was, but inevitably much like you all said, it was his choice. And this was mine. I am unfortunately considering filing some sort a restraining order however as he had been making accounts to ‘talk sense into me’ through most of my socials. I actually hadn’t reread my post in a year and got to the end and had a good laugh, I am actually currently dating a lovely woman. It’s only been a few weeks but we knew each other her from college, and just reconnected a month ago. It’s going very slow, I have twins but she’s been a saint honestly, to come back to my posts topic, It is lifechanging for my stress to know that she cannot get me pregnant, not that we been very intimate yet. Anyway, not sure anyone cares but there it is. I’m in a much better place than I was, I feel better. My twins are happy. And we’ve been co-parenting decently well other than the social media thing. Edit: I think I'm going to step away now. But my advice. Don't let your partners use you as a humam shield for all the physical reproccussions of reproduction. Partnership is a give and take of equal sacrifices, and that’s not the case if he is all to comfortable for you to be the only one taking on the physical sacrifice. We do enough bringing children into the world. Your not expecting too much for him to be willing to take the same risks he expects of you. I’m happy and healthy, my twins are happy and healthy, thanks for all your well wishes. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Careless_Dentist_287:** Man or woman has nothing to do with it. One person in the relationship is wanting someone to do something they don’t want to do. And that something involves going under the knife and losing your ability to have children, that’s a big deal. >**OP:** I does, because on top of all procedures for us being more invasive dangerous and having longer healing times. We also take on ALL of the physical dangerous of reproduction in general. > >I don’t think it’s insane to expect a man to take on some part of the reproductive responsibilities. > >Thanks. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

Husband won’t get a vasectomy and it’s tearing us apart—how do we make this work?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h93ro/husband_wont_get_a_vasectomy_and_its_tearing_us/

18h94b9

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Gold-Programmer2895 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH and r/NoStupidQuestions **AITAH for canceling a trip because my fiancé ex and her baby are coming** **Editor’s Note: Added spaces for readability** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, invasion of boundaries!<| --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18bljsz/aitah_for_canceling_a_trip_because_my_fianc%C3%A9_ex/?share_id=RbAv_yNURImofZ0uI52YZ&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **December 5, 2023** I ( f , 32) have been with Kyle ( m , 37) for 2.5 years . We got engaged 6 months ago . Kyle has been divorced for over 5 years ago . He was married to Elena ( F, 37). They have a son, Greyson ( M, 8). Elena has a toddler from a guy she met after her divorce and dated briefly Ella (2.5 ,f). Greyson is a wonderful little kid . He has his room in our house and he Is so loved by all of us . Kyle and elena Are good friends and coparenting Great . The problem I have is she is everywhere ! Beside the holidays and birthdays which I understand ( Christmas , Greyson birthday , thanksgiving), Elena and her Baby are pretty much invited to any family functions such as Kyle’s birthday , Kyle’s parents anniversary, my birthday ( yes ! Kyle invited her to my birthday) , our camping trips,..) . I have talked to Kyle many times but he thinks I’m being insecure for no reason and making a big deal about nothing ! I booked a trip to Mexico for January for me, Kyle and Greyson . Kyle told Elena that on the last week of January we will have Greyson for extra week since he is coming with us to Mexico . Apparently Elena managed to ask him about our trip dates , details . I saw on Facebook she was posting about swimsuit shopping for her upcoming trip . Kyle texted her and asked Her if she is going somewhere that week too . She said she researched our hotel and “I took advantage of the same deal as you guys ! So I guess we will see you there haha”. I told Kyle then we are cancelling the trip he said he can’t because tickets are non refundable! I told him then I’m not going ! I want for once have a family vacation without his ex wife ! I want a family vacation without his ex-wife, but Kyle thinks there's nothing we can do now. We need to address this for future plans and be more clear about boundaries. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **DetectiveSudden281:** So what changed in their relationship emotionally? It sounds like all that happened is he found a new apartment and having sex with you isn’t cheating. They are pretty much still living their married life. >**OP:** I met him after their divorce he didn’t cheat with me . They are still best friends and not sleeping together. We are engaged to be married . She met her daughter’s dad and now casually dating others **mayfeelthis:** The get back with Kyle went overboard for me. Same for all the other presumptions below this. She probably enjoys having the family experience for the kids. It’s hard being solo cause family functions become very difficult to make festive when it’s all on you. >**OP:** That’s what Kyle says that she went through a break up and she is very lonely so we are her friends .. the thing is .. I knew he had a kid from day one and accepted it but I didn’t sign up to be his ex’s emotional support sister . Call me selfish but I’m done being the second choice . I’m going to have a serious talk with him soon &nbsp; [Before leaving the relationship what are some what are must to dos.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/18c4nva/before_leaving_the_relationship_what_are_some/?share_id=UeKNE8BA_QA13BztVBsJz&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **December 6, 2023** I ( female) just ended an engagement ( yes right before Christmas 😭). My brother and his gf let me stay with them until I find my place hopefully soon. • I packed my clothes and stuff. • Cancelled the subscriptions ( Netflix , Disney ,..) that was under my credit card. • Wrapped and left the gifts under the tree so they can open it on Christmas morning without me .. • e-transfered half of the rent and utilities for December. -my brother will pick up my stuff later ( my books ,..) If I buy something for the house should I take it ? Or it’s his now since I bought it for the house and it’s his house now ? I bought an air fryer and instantpot and dyson Vacuum . Anything else I should do ? &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Constant_Cultural:** How did the relationship ended? Was it a big fight or just a mutual thing because it's just over? If it wasn't so mutual, in any case, if he has access to a bank account or anything else, Door Dash, Uber, something, change the passwords and maybe change your banking log in information and make a list of everythng he could have used your banking info/credit card. Just to make sure that your money stays yours. >**OP:** No fight at all . A lot of tears though but ended with a hug. He still asked me to reconsider and stay friends which I said I really can’t and I need space . He cried again &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18c7nbz/update_aitah_for_canceling_a_trip_because_my/?share_id=X5DGrLEQk_eqlrrmjMc8a&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **December 6, 2023** First of all, thank you for every single comment. I read all of them. Kyle came home late last night since he was working on a project with his coworker. He saw me awake and got surprised and asked, "Is everything okay?" I said, "We need to talk." I basically told him that either he tells Elena to cancel her trip and establishes boundaries, or we are done. He said, "Oh my god, are you still on this?" I said, "I'll talk to her for future events, let it go, for F**'s sake." I said, "No! This has been my life since we met! She and her baby are always in my hair. I get upset, you convince me to let it go this time, then it happens again." I reminded him that last June we hosted Elena’s baby’s birthday at our backyard (and paid for and did everything, and you told me to let it go). Where is the limit? Will she be invited to our wedding and be in the bridal party? Will she be at our honeymoon? Will she be at the delivery room when I give birth? He said, "We are both tired, why don’t we talk tomorrow?" I told him I can’t wait until then. "Will you ask Elena to cancel her trip and tell her about my boundaries?" He said, "I can’t make her do anything as she is no longer my wife! I can tell her you don’t like her and you can’t stand her. Happy?" I said, "I don’t feel like I’m ever gonna be your wife. She is more your wife than I’ll ever be. She just doesn’t like to put out so you got me for that! That’s how I feel. I feel so unloved. If we break up and Elena takes you back, would you get back together with her?" He said, "Stop! You know how much I love you! Why are you saying these nonsense?" I asked again and again. He said, "What do you want me to say? That if I’m single will I work things out with Elena? I guess." I got my answer. I gave him the ring and said, "I’ll leave tomorrow morning." He said, "WHAT? Are you serious? What is going on tonight?" He started saying how we were gonna get married and have babies (he knows I left my previous boyfriend because he didn’t wanna get married), and he begged me to not leave before holidays. He suggested staying and starting counseling in January. I told him, "I really don’t have energy or time for this." He started crying. I was awake all night crying on and off. In the morning, he made me breakfast and hugged me (so uncomfortable!) and said, "Please don’t end it permanently. Let’s be in touch and work on our relationship." I told him, "No! I just can’t, sorry." Again, he cried and left for work. I talked to my brother in the morning, and he and his girlfriend will let me stay with them until I find my place. I wrapped the Christmas gifts (for Greyson mostly and him) and left them under the tree so they can open them on Christmas morning (he asked if I'd at least join them for Christmas morning; I said no!). As for the tickets (they were on my credit card), I’ll call Air Canada today to see if I can transfer them to my brother and his girlfriend. I’m so grateful for letting me stay at their place. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **mysterious_girl24:** You say he’s only with you because she wouldn’t put out. Are they sexually incompatible like Elena being asexual or LL? If so it sounds like he wants you for his sexual needs and Elena for everything else. Like a sister wives thing. >**OP:** They said they divorced because they stoped having sex and slept Separately . One time Elena said she didn’t find him sexually attractive anymore . She went on meeting another guy and got pregnant by him ( they broke up). He met me &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH for canceling a trip because my fiancé ex and her baby are coming

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h94b9/aitah_for_canceling_a_trip_because_my_fiancé_ex/

18h94fi

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRA9011bad **My (27f) sister (25f), bf (29m) and parents (49f and 52m) have completely stopped engaging with me.** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!abortion, fertility issues, pregnancy phobia, emotional abuse and manipulation!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/ABtXFE3ypt)  **Dec 2, 2023** I (27f) have a younger sister Jenny (25f). Jenny has been with and married to her husband Jake  (27m) for almost 3 years, together for 5. They really do seem like a match made in heaven. However, one thing she's struggled with for a long time is infertility. Jenny has wanted kids for as long as I can remember. But when they started trying 3 years ago, it just never happened. They tried everything but their doctor just said Jenny wasn't capable of carrying a baby to term. They've since looked into adoption or even surrogacy though it is way above their budget. I on the other hand, have never wanted kids. Not when I was a girl, not now and hopefully I'll never have any in the future. I don't know why, but children make me anxious and child birth is just a nightmare to even think about. Recently I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock and sent me into a panic attack. My bf (29m) was upset when I immediately suggested ending the pregnancy. I told him I didn't want kids ever but he was adamant on not ending the pregnancy. He suggested taking full custody and raising the baby all by himself if that's what I wanted. He reluctantly even suggested adopting the baby out of my hands completely. Anything but he was not willing to be without the baby. My parents reacted worse. They said they wouldn't allow me to hurt a living being and offered other options. They even told my sister who just jumped at the chance to adopt my baby, saying it was perfect and the baby could remain in the family and be raised by loving parents. Now, I don't doubt they'd make great parents. But, I just don't want to go through a pregnancy. Every moment felt like an explosion would go off any moment. I hated it and I refused to continue with the pregnancy. I went behind their backs and got the procedure done. When they found out, my bf just coldly told me we are done and walked out. He isn't taking my calls now. Jenny wailed and insulted me before Jake took her home. She then blocked me and has since refused to even look at me. My parents keep saying they are disappointed and wished I wasn't their daughter so they wouldn't have to deal with me. I just want to fix things with them. They're my family and have always been kind and caring. I desperately want to sort their problems and for things to go back to how it was before I got pregnant. Any advice on how I can explain my feelings to my family? ETA: Guys please. My parents and sister and bf are not bad people. I know I wasn't in the wrong for choosing what to do with my body and neither do I think they were wrong for being pro life. My parents have cared for, raised and supported me all my life. Through my teenage years, my studies, my relationship issues, career problems everything. I know they aren't bad people. I just want to know how I can explain my feelings to them because I'm confused and struggling with expressing myself. My bf and I have been together for 9 years dammit. We literally grew up together and promised to always be there for each other and always choose each other. He supported me through everything. He offered every help he could think of during the 2 and a half months I was pregnant. He tried to understand my fears and help me through it. I understand I was wrong to go behind his back but that's done and now I want to know how we can move past this. He didn't leave when people made fun of him for dating me, when college life got too hectic and we had to go days without seeing each other, when my grandma died, when I was sick or when I was terrified of a baby. He was there for it all and I don't want to be without him. Please help me convince him to seek counseling or therapy or whatever it takes. I can't bear to lose him. ETA 2: I posted an update in my profile. I'm very thankful for how things are progressing. Please wish me luck. **ADDITIONAL COMMENT FROM OOP ABOUT HER FAMILY DYNAMICS AND BOYFRIEND** >That is not the case at all. My parents have never treated my sister and I differently and they have done a good job raising us both considering we finished school, have good jobs in fields we enjoyed and have long term successful relationships. They guided and supported us both through it all and I don't think they can be called selfish for wanting grandkids and believing in pro life. >And please. My bf is literally the best thing I have in my life. We've been together for 9 years. Nearly a decade. We supported each other through everything in the past 9 years and I refuse to believe the man who stayed up to care for me at nights I was sick, helped me with my workload/assignments/presentations, went all out to take the "nerd" of HS to prom and stayed by my side every step when my grandmother (my favourite person in the world) passed away could see me as "extension of himself". Please, I don't need people telling me he is bad because he isn't. I need advice on how to work things with him. Please. [Update: My (27f) sister (25f), bf (29m) and parents (49f and 52m) have completely stopped engaging with me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/8a4TQMk9sA) Hello everyone, I suppose I should give people an update since I've gotten a lot of DM and messages on my last post. Firstly, Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and tried to see my POV. I wasn't happy to see all the messages telling me in in denial but I suppose it did get me to start thinking of my next actions instead of worrying and crying. My parents called me yesterday. My bf (yes, he still is my bf. We have not broken up.) talked to them and actually helped them see my perspective. They had called him to apologise for my actions but he was adamant that they needed to apologise to me. He explained Jenny wouldn't have gotten our baby anyway since he was planning to be a single parent and raise the baby himself. So, it was their fault for giving her false hope, not mine. And he even drove them to our house so we all could talk. My mom is still a bit upset but they apologised and promised to talk to Jenny. I'm hopeful things will work out between us. We're sisters after all. After they left, my bf and I talked. He apologised for forcing me to do something I didn't want. He said he thought if he took good enough care of me, the fear would slowly dissipate and we could be happy. He now sees that was wrong. We hugged and cried for a long time. He kept saying sorry and I told him it was nothing. That as long as I had him, I would be fine. He then said he wanted to give us closure but he still wanted to break up. At that, my heart sank. I fell to the floor crying and he held me through it all. Cuddling me and kissing my head. He clearly still loved me and I loved him. I asked why we have to end this. He told me he wanted kids. Our kids but if it couldn't be, he'd rather move on and not linger as staying childfree was impossible for him. I promised him I loved him beyond anything and I'd do anything for us to remain together. But he just wouldn't listen. He kept saying "us" wasn't enough. That he wanted kids. He apologised again and tried to leave. At that point, I was desperate and I grabbed him and promised him I would get therapy. We could try therapy and maybe in a few more years, I'll be ready for kids. I promised to try for him but begged that he stay. He looked so sad. It broke my heart. I kept begging for a 2nd chance and refused to let him go unless he said yes. Finally he said he'd think about it. So, that's where we're at. He asked for a week and promised he'll think about it. I scheduled an appointment for therapy tomorrow. I think I can get better. After all, the fear is irrational. And this incident has shown me the desire to be with Will (bf) is way stronger than my fear of pregnancy. Will has done so much for me. Has always been there for me. I have decided to give this a try. I can't be without Will and I'm willing to overcome anything to be with him. That's it for now. I think Will saw my post since he's on reddit too and that spurred him into actions. Reddit also got me working too. So thank you for that. Please. Please pray for me and my relationship. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My (27f) sister (25f), bf (29m) and parents (49f and 52m) have completely stopped engaging with me.

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h94fi/my_27f_sister_25f_bf_29m_and_parents_49f_and_52m/

18h94w4

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Ill-Professional-503 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH for avoiding my childhood friend after she called me a beggar for living in my ex husband’s house?** Trigger Warnings: >!manipulation!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16sajtj/aitah_for_avoiding_my_childhood_friend_after_she/?share_id=CTYLIX09mxYOnwaU7uyx5&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Sept 25, 2023** My (29F) ex husband Carter (27M) and divorced almost four years ago. He divorced me. I was blindsided because I thought we had a very happy marriage. Unfortunately, this year I was in a hit and run and was hospitalized. My insurance didn’t cover much and they never found who did it. I drained my savings. I couldn’t live in my apartment anymore since I could no longer physically walk up 5 flights of stairs. I had a job but was let go. I was struggling and it was a low point in my life. Carter and I hadn’t kept in touch but he contacted me and said that I could live in one of his spare rooms. I had no other options. I offered to pay him rent but he refused. He has a maid for chores. I cook for him sometimes. It’s okay. He’s very chatty and bubbly and if I close my eyes, I can pretend we’re friends again and we never took the leap into a relationship and a divorce. My childhood friend Claire called me to express sympathies that I couldn’t find a place. I told her that I was living with Carter. She insisted on coming over as she also had been friends with him and had refused to take a side. When she arrived, Claire started to talk about how this was a bad situation. She asked me if I paid rent and I told her no. She said that his pity would end and asked if I wanted to be a beggar for the rest of my life. I told her I wasn’t a beggar. she would tell our friends. I pleaded with her not to. Claire then said that if I didn’t think what I was doing was wrong, I wouldn’t have cared if she told everyone. I feel humiliated and ashamed. I have been avoiding her. She called me yesterday and said that I was being childish and emotionally manipulative for behaving that way. AITA? &nbsp; **AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the top comments, OOP was NTA** &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Realistic_Head4279:** NTA. Your "friend" Claire is a busybody and is sticking her nose into your business where she does not belong. Her words were cruel and judgmental and likely inaccurate. You need to limit your contact with her and not feel that you have to defend your choices to anyone except yourself. >**OP:** I’m not trying to be a beggar. I’ve offered to pay. I would even do chores and clean but he has a housekeeping service. He eats takeout often but he hasn’t turned down any dishes I’ve offered him. That’s the only way I can thank him. **crazyhouse12:** NTA she is. Who died and put her in charge? What you do is none of her business >**OP:** claire’s always been very involved in what I do because she says I don’t make the right decision like marrying Carter. She told me it wouldn’t work out because he’d get bored of me and she wasn’t wrong. She’s held that as proof she knows better. **angelmakr9:** If Claire is so concerned about you living with your ex why isn't she offering to help you out? Instead of cutting you down and trying to make you think this is a bad decision she should be helping you. The only person being emotionally manipulative is Claire. IMHO if your friends are being judgemental about your situation and they aren't offering other options then that really aren't very good friends. OP don't worry about other people's options of your current situation they can't possibly understand unless they've gone through a similar situation. Just take care of yourself, heal and continue to do your best to appreciate your ex for his generosity. P.S. you're not a beggar!! You're a human in a difficult situation and someone that actually cares about you offered to help you in your time of need! >**OP:** She believes in everyone working hard for themselves and not asking for handouts. She said she could help me look for apartments or pass along my request for an apartment at ground level but that’s the extent of help. > > I have tried to show my appreciation for Carter and he’s happy to hear it. He’s told me I can stay for as long as I’d like or forever but I can’t wait to save up and find an apartment I can live in. He is too close and too affectionate with me. There’s a part of me that still loves him and he keeps poking those parts of my heart. **angelmakr9:** So let me get this straight, Claire whose family has money and is married to a wealthy man has the nerve to think other people should work hard for themselves and not ask for handouts. What a hypocrite!! And Claire is not your friend! Friends do not kick a friend when they get hit by a car and are doing their best to pick themselves up and move on with their life. >**OP:** Claire is privileged in many ways but she’s also very intelligent. I think it makes her believe that she would be successful regardless of what happened. But I’m also smart and life dealt me a bad hand. I did the best I could. I lived frugally and saved money and followed all the rules, and yet all my hard work was wiped out. I can’t try harder out of my situation, I can only try my best. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18cm8pa/update_aitah_for_avoiding_my_childhood_friend/?share_id=oPs34Az8GNKEVL3_eDGER&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **December 6, 2023** A couple of days after my post, Claire reached out and apologized for using harsh words. I accepted her apology but things were still uncomfortable for me. She said she found an apartment I could live in. It was on the first floor and had access to public transportation. The rent was high but not out of my budget. I would be living with three other people in the apartment. I checked it out and it was acceptable. I told Carter Claire had found an apartment for me and he flipped out. He said I couldn’t live there because it was a dangerous part of town. We discussed it and came to a compromise. He would feel better if we went to a hotel in the area for a few days and see how dangerous it was. It was fine for the first few days but one morning a man followed me. It was frightening. Carter said it was proof the area wasn’t safe. I told him this was the only option I had for now unless I wanted to go back to my parents house and find a new job there or sleep on friends’ couches. My parents live on a developing country and I don’t speak the language well so that is my last resort. Carter reminded me that he said I could stay as long as I had liked. I told him I didn’t want to be a burden on him anymore. It was very kind of him to offer but I can’t take advantage of his kindness indefinitely. He said Claire was putting thoughts in my head. I offered to pay him rent again and he finally agreed but he deliberately wastes rent money on silly things to prove a point. I told him that but he said if I didn’t like it I could stop paying or pay him another way. I dropped the conversation. Claire asked me why I hadn’t moved into the apartment. I said I was paying rent to Carter and she chewed me out. Claire and Carter’s social circles overlap so Carter found out about how Claire was saying I chose to stay there even when she found me a new place to live. He got into an argument with me and said that I should stop talking to Claire. He made an ultimatum of him or Claire. I chose him. Since then, he’s been very happy. I’m happy to see how cheerful he is but I can’t handle the constant hugs or snuggles or pinching. It makes me feel bad and dredges up bad thoughts. I feel inadequate and crushed because he may be able to be platonic friends with me but I still haven’t gotten past the hurt. On a positive note, I started physical therapy and signed up for a free counseling program through my work. I have a tight budget so I have to make do. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH for avoiding my childhood friend after she called me a beggar for living in my ex husband’s house?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h94w4/aitah_for_avoiding_my_childhood_friend_after_she/

18h9529

**I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts:** u/throwaway999 & u/throwaway4321234 **Me [27F] with my husband [31M]: marriage counselor lied to us + 4 year update** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!verbal abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, psychological abuse, malpractice!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/V7Qbr5zY8d)  **May 15, 2014** My husband of seven months and I had a rough time after we got married when he came back from military deployment. Screaming matches, erectile dysfunction, resentment from deployment, me feeling sexually unattractive, etc.   We went to a military-funded marriage counselor for about two months before the therapist suddenly disappeared saying he was getting transferred. Said he'd continue seeing us once a week but suddenly his phone number changed and we had no idea what happened. We just stop counseling altogether due to scheduling issues. Our last session was around February or so. I thought the marriage counseling helped as we'd be doing better or so I thought, but apparently my husband is still unhappy, albeit for other reasons now. Our sex life still sucks, and I feel horribly unwanted and undesirable despite being  fit and attractive. We had a fight last night and finally the substance of our individual counseling came out for the first time -- We were shocked to say the least. So we'd had both individual and couples counseling. We'd meet around once a week as a couple and would alternate weeks individually It came out last night:  the counselor had been telling us individually that the problem was all the others' fault. He gave us both some of the same story but with some differences:  he told us each that the other was being very closed off and defensive, and not wanting to open up or discuss issues. That we were each blaming the other. This was while I was openly sharing with him my abandonment and anger issues and feeling insecure sexually, and providing him with background info from my previous therapy sessions with other counselors. My husband claims he would try to offer stories from his past as well, but that the counselor would actually cut him off and say he wasn't the problem. He told my husband privately I may have BPD and likely needed mess. This coincides chronologically with my husband out of nowhere yelling at me during arguments that I needed medication. I asked our counselor if I should see a specialist after these fights, whether I really was showing these signs, and said honestly that I would seed more intensive help if he thought it would help our marriage. He laughed at my husband in individual sessions saying there was nothing wrong with me, that my husband was deflecting by trying to diagnose me. "Does he think he's a psychiatrist??" He would laugh. He told me privately my husband was emotionally and sexually underdeveloped and would never have a healthy relationship, sexually or emotionally, with anyone without serious change. That I should move on. That he was not willing to change or admit to any issues and would run from all conflict. That each time the counselor tried to broach issues, my husband would clam up and get defensive. That he didn't know what it truly meant to be married and that he suspected there was something deeply rooted in my husbands' past that was the root of all our problems. That my husband just needed more therapy. (note: we weren't paying for therapy. We got it free due to military benefits). He told me I was very smart and attractive and deserved a partner more on "my level". My husband reports the counselor told him there was nothing wrong with him, that he was very mature and intelligent and all our problems stemmed from my psychosis. The aftermath: I am horrified by how many of our fights after the beginning of counseling were colored by his statements. I was treating my husband like a 13 year old boy and my husband kept telling me I needed psychiatric treatment. Our marriage has actually improved much after this time, but I Now believe it's because I worked on my anger issues and gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, while my husband became a better communicator in arguments. My husband now has different issues with our marriage, but we are both still reeling from our conversation about the counselor last night And wondering what kind of harm it may have caused. I don't really know what I'm asking here. I had insomnia all night about this and I just don't know what to do. EDIT:  direct question:  should I report the counselor? And what are suggestions for how to move forward with my husband in this? ---   **tl;dr**: Marriage counselor told each of us the marriage problems were all the fault of the other. Told us separately that I was a psychotic bitch, and that he was the emotional/sexual equivalent of a 13 year old boy.  Wondering how much harm this has caused, unsure what to do. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **acheronshunt** >Man, that is some Dr. Lecter nonsense. I hope you can get his license yanked! * **Brandon23z** >Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with this guy. His job is to fix relationships, he is doing the exact opposite. >This is something out of an M Night Shamalyan film. * **AlbrechtEinstein** >What would happen during the joint sessions? How did he manage to maintain the two sides of the story simultaneously? **OOP** >>He would request an update of our status since last meeting. We would both give our perspectives on the latest fight, or on why we thought we resolved an issue successfully.  Then he would provide suggestions. But a lot of it seemed fluffy. I always resented him not confronting my husband on his issues, and I now know my husband was angry the counselor wasn't suggesting I get evaluated for BPD. >>Honestly, I did have issues with rage and he didn't help me at all even when I tried to bring them up individually.  I read a lot of self help books specific to managing anger, and did a lot of introspection and practiced techniques on calming down. I also read some books on marriages. Our relationship has improved greatly, but I think it's because both my husband and I did a lot of self help. >>I have no idea what couples incapable of such introspection and self awareness would have done with someone like him. * **TheStrangestSecret** >By law arent therapist suppose to keep notes or recordings of each session? **OOP** >>There were no notes.  He explained it was all kept confidential as per military policy.  This made sense to me at the time, because a lot of military veterans don't want documentation that might hurt their careers, and such, so he explained it as a policy issue meant to encourage soldiers to attend counseling instead of bottling it all up. **ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP** >I feel so stupid.  I felt like something was off.  I didn't include this in my post, but he would propose strategies for getting my husband to "come out of his shell" at the next joint session, but he wouldn't follow through.  My husband says he said the same thing to him, and would be flabbergasted at joint sessions when the counselor did a 180 on him. [Update: Psycho Marriage Counselor Lied to Us (31f/35m) 4 years later](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/azMAVVS8QB)  **Feb 23, 2018** So this is an update more than... Three years later? I hope this is allowed. I used a throwaway and don't remember my password.  A lot happened since then and it occurred to me that maybe I should post an update in case anyone here was around for that. Summary: I was the wife who was seeing a marriage counselor with my husband. Both jointly and individually. Things were only getting worse and worse and it was only after a blow up fight that my husband and I compared notes and realized the counselor had been feeding each of us lies. Counselor was telling me that my husband was emotionally 12 years old and would never be capable of a relationship (while reassuring my husband all was well with him). Meanwhile, he was telling my husband I had borderline personality disorder and needed medication. When my husband started accusing me of being mentally ill, I brought this up to the counselor who then began making fun of my husband for saying such a thing ("Does he think he's a psychiatrist or something?" He actually laughed.) Counselor reassured me that I was a "beautiful and intelligent woman" and would do great once I left my husband. The counselor (who was provided by the military through their family services) ended up being transferred a few weeks after we discovered this. We couldn't figure out if he got canned for abusing some other couple, if he retired, or some other shenanigan. Well. Fast forward to today. My husband and I are doing great now. We went on a vacation, both of us changed jobs, moved, and we are very happily married now four years later. We travel, adopted a couple of kitties, and bought a house in a place we both love. How we got here: We both read some self-help books. Started giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Got better at communicating. I left my super high stress job, he changed careers, and everything sort of did a 180. (Funny enough. My old job had been killing me and when I'd mentioned to counselor that I thought maybe I should find another job, since it was so dysfunctional, he protested against it.) My husband and I did not report him at the time. We were concerned he would retaliate against my husband in some way, as my husband was in the armed forces for a year and a half after all this.  I am embarrassed that we did not report him. We were scared and overwhelmed. I am considering calling that base's family services now and filing an official report. Not sure if it'll matter, so much time has passed. That's... That's all really. You all were such a great help then, I thought I might as well post this in case anyone around here remembered. PS. I thought to post this after we watched an M Night Shyamalan movie recently. One of the commenters had mentioned this sounded like a film he'd make. :) I still laugh at that comment years later, so thank you U/brandon23z and u/acheronshunt for that. **TLDR:Husband and I are happily married four years after psycho Dr. Lecter wannabe pulled an M Night Shyamalan. ** **RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP** >OP here. It's hard but I actually ended up seeing another (licensed and well reviewed) therapist when I lost someone very important to me. This counselor was WONDERFUL and really helped me. >I did my research and paid out of pocket for her. She was an angel and worth every penny. >I think finding a good therapist is a lot like dating. There are some crazies, some assholes, and some you just don't click with. Also, maybe you get what you pay for and Dr. Lecter was free with the military.... **~** >It really would. The ONE good thing Dr. Lecter did was tell me, "Your husband says some stupid things in arguments - he doesn't actually mean to hurt you." >This blew my mind because, as someone very good with words, I couldn't understand how someone could say such hurtful things without harboring malice. But I followed his advice and was more patient when my husband would say something ridiculous. >Also, finding a new job helped me a ton. I didn't recognize how much of a nervous wreck I was thanks to that God-forsaken office. I became much more even-keeled overnight. This did wonders. **ON WHY THE COUNSELOR PLAYED GAMES** >I've thought a lot about it. I think he was honestly at the end of his career and decided we were both good people with personal issues that brought out the worst in each other. >My hypothesis is he didn't want to do the work and figured he'd just get us to break up and move on with our lives - rather than take months to get us to realize we were just incompatible. >But yeah. I decided to call the base Monday and report. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT THE OOP**

Me [27F] with my husband [31M]: marriage counselor lied to us + 4 year update

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h9529/me_27f_with_my_husband_31m_marriage_counselor/

18h9w58

**I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/whoevenisthat5](https://www.reddit.com/u/whoevenisthat5/). He posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/) and his own page. I wrote the previous BORU posts [here](https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15xu8so/newest_update_aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9e_my/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/150wond/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_my_daughter_has_to_be/). **The newest update is marked with \*\*\*\*\*\*.** I changed letters to names for readability **Trigger Warning:** >!possible stalking!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!happy ending!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14urh2j/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_my_daughter_has_to_be/)**: July 9, 2023** I (45m) have a daughter (Polly) from a previous relationship. I divorced my ex wife on good terms and we share 50/50 custody of Polly. She is now 11. After I divorced my ex wife I met my now fiancé (Sharon). Sharon and my daughter got along very well . After 5 years in my relationship with Sharon I proposed. Sharon was super excited and wanted to start planning right away. She looked at venues and started asking her friends to be her bridesmaids. She then told me she wanted her niece to be a flower girl. Which I had no problem with, but I said I also wanted Polly to be a flower girl. Sharon looked at my funny and then said that she didn’t think that Polly would “fit the part” I got angry and told Sharon that my daughter would be in our wedding. Sharon started to become upset and said that the girls in the wedding were up to her and Polly wouldn’t be one of them. I told Sharon that if Polly wasn’t in the wedding then there might not be a wedding. I stormed out and took Polly to get ice cream. Polly knows we are getting married and told me she thinks she will look pretty I whatever dress Sharon decides she should wear this broke my heart and I decided to text Sharon. I told her I would be staying at a friends to think this over. My MIL texted me saying I and over reacting and that my daughter doesn’t have to be in my wedding and I was and ass for saying that I would cancel. So did I take it to far saying I will cancel? Am I overreacting or just being a good dad? EDIT: Thank everyone for the comments and suggestions I will post an update in the near future! ***Relevant Comments:*** *Did you propose alternatives to the flower girl position?* "I said I wanted her in the wedding in some shape or form. I wanted her to be a part of our day and not sitting with the guests while we walked down the isle. Fiancé said it would be best if she just sat with my parents" "Many have suggested a junior bridesmaid but my fiancée still declines" "I did tell my fiancée she will be in the wedding and if that means she has to be a groomsmen than so be it. Fiancée blew up saying she’s not a boy and my side is only for boys, she denied my request to have a father daughter dance with Polly so this is why i’m rethinking the whole wedding. Sharon and I are going to talk tonight and hopefully she will give me a full reasoning" *Has Polly ever said anything about Sharon treating her poorly?* "Polly has never voiced any concerns about Sharon treating her badly. I have never seen anything happen between them so this was very out of the blue" "Surprisingly Sharon has never had a issue with Polly until wedding talk. The two have always been super close so her reaction shocked me for sure. I would have never popped the question if Polly wasn’t comfortable! I totally understand where you are coming from" "I do think it’s crazy that I haven’t seen any signs. I’ve talked to Polly and told her to tell me if anything has ever happened Polly can’t recall a single time Sharon was mean to her" *Could race, weight or disability be a factor in this?* "Yes I made this post late last night and am just now reaching all the comments. My daughter is not disabled. She is on the average weight scale for an 11 year old and all of us in the situation are white" *OOP also clarifies that his fiancée is 39 years old.* **Small** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14urh2j/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_my_daughter_has_to_be/jrbbdl9/?context=3) **in Comments (Same Day)** "Talked to her mom this morning because I wanted Polly to start with her until this was figured out. Her mom said she hopes it goes well and told me I could stay with her and Polly if need be. She said Polly always comes home with nothing negative to say, so we aren’t sure where this came from" ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/whoevenisthat5/comments/14vb4wi/update_on_the_last_post/)**: July 9, 2023 (15 hours later)** Hey Reddit! Thank everyone for all the kind words and suggestions. To answer a few questions, my daughter is not disabled, chubby, or having an awkward faze (braces/glasses). I did ask if Polly could be a groomsman, Sharon immediately shot me down. Sharon is 39, she is the same race as my daughter, this is her first marriage. I tried to answer and many comments as possible! I came home to talk to Sharon today. When I pulled in our driveway, my MIL was sitting there in her car. I got out and went inside trying to avoid talking to MIL. Sharon was sitting at the kitchen table and I joined her. She sat in silence so I asked the first question, why does Polly not fit the part, and why don’t you want her in the wedding at all? Her answer full on shocked me. She quietly said, I was hoping that after the wedding you could become a holiday visit only dad, I didn’t want her in the wedding so she wouldn’t be in the photos around the house since she wasn’t going to be around much. I kept my cool, calmly took her hand, and pulled my engagement ring off. Her eyes started to tear up, she said we shouldn’t end the marriage over this and that she can change. I told her the damage was already done. I told her I wanted her things moved out by next week and that she could come get them when my daughter wasn’t home. (The house is in my name and I paid for it, I was allowing her to get her furniture that she paid for). She stormed out and MIL came knocking on the door saying I was being unreasonable. I couldn’t imagine only seeing my daughter 3 or 4 times a year. The fact that Sharon wanted me to give up part of my custody blew me away. I’m sitting on my couch just in shock. Our honeymoon was supposed to be in Hawaii. Looks like me and Polly will be going instead. I will update again if anything happens. ***Relevant Comments:*** *People are once again skeptical that there was no bad behavior by Sharon toward Polly in the past:* "I have truly never noticed a thing. Polly has never had anything negative about Sharon and asked her mom earlier today when she will get to see her again." **Second** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/whoevenisthat5/comments/15cwupz/small_update/)**: July 29, 2023 (20 days from last update)** Hello everyone! Thank you for all the kind comments and suggestions for Hawaii we a few days ago and Polly is already having a ton of fun. If you have any cool suggestions please drop them in the comments. As for my ex-fiancée she has tried to reach out to me wanting to work everything out saying she only did it because her mom wanted “pure” grandchildren. I still do not care, if she really loved my daughter and I she wouldn’t have acted on her mothers wishes. Sharon has called my workplace to try and get in touch with me, she has even shown up a few times to try and talk to me and I’ve told my supervisor to just ask her to leave. She has gone as far as messaging my ex wife a few times wanting to know why her calls won’t go through to me. When she caught wind that we were in Hawaii she was pissed. I’m still close with her brother, and he told me that her and her mom were going to try and get plane tickets. If that’s the case I will likely file a restraining order. Polly has asked what happened to Sharon and I told her that we come as a package deal and Sharon only wanted me and I couldn’t leave her. Polly understood but I think she was a little heartbroken. I know this update is small but it’s all I have for those asking. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Did your former future-BIL have any light to shed on Sharon and his mom's behavior?* "Her and her brother are not very close and grew up in different homes as my ex MIL and FIL are divorced. Her brother and dad are pretty awesome though. We went and had drinks a few days after the storm of Sharon and her mom" **\*\*\*\*\*Final** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/whoevenisthat5/comments/181ukyf/final_update/)**: November 23, 2023 (4 months later)\*\*\*\*\*** I realized I forgot to do an update. Polly and I had an epic time in Hawaii and she’s already talking about wanting to go back. Turns out when my ex-fiancée and her mom tried to buy tickets the airlines were sold out. Instead they decided to leave piles of letters at my door. There were maybe 50 envelopes full of pages about how I need to take Sharon back. I honestly didn’t read through them all and discarded most of them. So far I’ve “coincidentally” run into Sharon at grocery stores and gas stations and not payed any attention to her. She attempted to show up at my daughter’s meet the teacher night but since she didn’t have a kid she wasn’t allowed in. From what I have heard through her brother and dad she already has a new boyfriend and just wants to get back at me now. As for me I’ve out in a restraining order on Sharon. I did see comments asking if I was going to attempt to date again... let’s just say I took my ex-wife with me to Hawaii and we decided to try again. All in all I’d say I don’t expect to be hearing from Sharon or her mother again. And my ex-wife is now moved back in with my daughter and I. Thank you all so much for your support throughout this time!

Final Update to: AITA for telling my fiancée my daughter has to be in our wedding?

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18h9w58/final_update_to_aita_for_telling_my_fiancée_my/

18hibdl

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/BeepBoopWeeeee **in** r/Teachers trigger warnings: >!threats of violence, school-based violence, bullying!< mood spoilers: >!angry, alarmed!< estimated read time: <5 minutes   [**A student said she wished I would die**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/18bsboi/a_student_said_she_wished_i_would_die/) **- 05 December 2023** Because she lost five minutes of recess for talking in the hallway. A consequence that has been in place all year and has been earned by her and others.   [**Update: A student said she wished I would die**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/18ch39j/update_a_student_said_she_wished_i_would_die/) **- 06 December 2023** (1 day later) I contacted our school counselor and admin via email yesterday. Unbeknownst to me, the school counselor had already made a home visit due to this student saying unkind things to another child whose mom died this year. The counselor emailed me this morning, asking if she could talk to the student sometime today and I said yes. She pulled the student and was gone for about twenty minutes. When they returned, the counselor then searched the student’s backpack before leaving with her again. The counselor then texted me to say she was taking the student to the assistant principal because she’d said some “concerning” things. A little while later, she followed up with a text, letting me know they were trying to get her parents up to the school. She also said she would need to do a threat assessment. About 30 minutes after that, the counselor came back and pulled me into the hallway. She told me that during the initial conversation, the student very matter-of-factly stated she wanted to bring a gun to school and kill me. When asked why, she said because I “took away \[her\] recess”. The threat assessment asked a bunch of different questions about if she had a plan, if that plan was done or she was still making it, why the plan was done - as in, was she done with the plan because she no longer wants to hurt me or because she’s decided what exactly the plan is, and the student said the plan was done and not because she didn’t want to hurt me anymore, but because she’d made up her mind as to what to do. Several times over, she restated her want to kill me and said she understood that means I would never come back, I would be gone forever, and she would be taking me away from my students, family, and friends. I was asked if I felt comfortable having her in my room while they waited for an officer to arrive to complete the next part of the threat assessment and I said absolutely not. The counselor took the student back with her and I didn’t hear anything for several hours, other than the school was trying to get ahold of parents. After the students got back from specials, I asked them if this student had ever said anything to them that made them feel unsafe. Immediately about half of my class’s hands shot up in the air. One student told me, “She told me she was going to kill me.” Another said, “She said she wished I would die.” A third said, “She told me my family is going to hell.” These were sentiments repeated by many of the other kids who had raised their hands. Towards the end of the day, the counselor texted me to let me know the meeting with parents and student, admin, the counselor, and police had taken place. I’m angry because I should have been there and I wasn’t. The counselor said the police asked if there were any guns in the home and the family said no. The officer also said if this behavior continues, further action will be taken. The parents agreed to the student receiving therapy and the student “will be monitored closely”. When I asked about if the student would be returned to my room, the counselor found me in person since it was dismissal. She relayed the principal’s decision that the student will spend Thursday and Friday in another classroom before “starting fresh” on Monday. Yes, because this is something I and my students can “start fresh” from. I told the counselor I don’t feel comfortable with her returning to the class and will be letting the principal know. I also had to have a conversation with the teacher we share recess with and ask her to talk to her students to make sure this student hasn’t been threatening them, too. Because I don’t think she has, but I also didn’t know she was threatening my kids either. &#x200B; [Comment on the student's age:](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/18ch39j/comment/kcbfadv/) She is 9. [Comment on the student threatening others:](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/18ch39j/comment/kcgb3jl/) I asked my kids today why they didn’t tell me or their parents and they said she told them not to and threatened them further. [Comment on using the teachers' union for help:](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/18ch39j/comment/kcbi7eu/) My district does have a union but I’m not part of it because I cannot afford it and have been told I cannot get help from them because I’m not a member. [OP's response to school leadership on the plan:](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/18ch39j/comment/kcn8nhl/) **Redditor:** That's crazy that the principal made the decision to have her "start fresh" on Monday without consulting you. Unbelievable and unacceptable. **OP:** I agree. I pushed back on it and said absolutely not. I do not want her back in my room. **Redditor:** How did he/she react? **OP:** Both he and the counselor seem kind of confused as to why I don’t want the student back.   [**Update 2: A student said she wished I would die**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Teachers/comments/18hun83/update_2_a_student_said_she_wished_i_would_die/) **- 13 December 2023** (7 days later) - *Note: The final update went up hours after the BORU was posted, and approval to edit it in was granted.* After the student was “temporarily” moved to a different class, I pushed back on her ever returning to mine. I used a lot of the advice I received with emailing the principal and using particular words and statements about student safety. The decision was made to have the student finish out the semester in the different class and then, come January, she will be moved to a different class with fewer students for the rest of the year. She is no longer allowed to bring a backpack to school and will be receiving therapy. My students and I are relieved and ready for the rest of the year sans threats. (Also, funny story: I texted my sister after this all went down and she had already read the full post on here. So if you see this, hi sister!) **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

A student said she wished I would die

CONCLUDED

snarfblattinconcert

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18hibdl/a_student_said_she_wished_i_would_die/

18i0iu8

I am not OP; that would be u/throwradinnertime2. I also received permission from OOP to share to BORU **Trigger Warning**: >!online slander!< **Mood Spoiler**: >!hopeful for a decent outcome!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/18ajktd/myf22_friendsf22_hosting_a_banquet_to_honor/): **December 4th, 2023** Ellen and I have been friends for a few years, and we're both in the same friend group too. Ellen will be graduating with her bachelor's this December, and she's an assistant manager in a fast food joint. She also has a side gig that she's talked about growing post-college, and that is her Instagram/Tiktok where she discusses many events with her opinions. However, she told me (and a few of our friends) that she didn't want a graduation party because she didn't like to celebrate herself (and chose not to have a high school graduation), but that she wanted to do something else with the money her parents wanted to throw a party with (her parents originally wanted to rent a restaurant room for her party) Instead of doing something for herself, she said she felt "led" to do something for others with the space her parents wanted to rent, and that was a gathering to honor veteran families from her church with a free dinner banquet. She also hoped to invite everyone that her parents wanted to invite to her graduation party. Her parents (both are leaders) liked the idea and brought it to their church, and someone there offered to host the gathering in one of the church's conference rooms to save money (along with offering to pay for some of the food catering too). Ellen said the theme of the party was to honor veterans outside of Veterans Day, and the church announced it during a recent Sunday service along with signups following the service. The church also sent a video she made explaining her motivation for the event in an email newsletter. The video explained that she had veteran relatives that she wanted to honor for some time, and she also posted it to her socials. The video also stated that clips from the event would be posted to her socials afterward. Ellen also explained how she wanted the money her parents planned to spend on her graduation to go to something good instead of nothing because she didn't want a graduation party. She also stated that Facebook's birthday fundraisers gave her the idea to do something for others Ellen asked our friend group to help decorate and be servers, and many of us volunteered (myself included) because we would've gone to her party if she had one. Ellen also said she received compliments at church for the idea she had post-announcement. Ellen also wanted to do a ceremony where she'd acknowledge each veteran and give them a goodie bag (she asked us to help with goodie bag ideas). However, when her parents informed her that some people (who signed up through the church) told the church that they didn't want to be on social media, it led to a change in Ellen's demeanor that led to me making this post. To clarify, some people (less than 5) didn't feel comfortable being online. So when Ellen planned to call each veteran onto the stage to give them a gift, some people wanted to be edited out of walking on stage Ellen vented to our group about how the church asked for certain people to be edited out of the ceremony recording before posting to social media, and Ellen planned to record with her equipment. The church even offered to have the church's video editors edit her video to make it easier along with offering to record it on church cameras too, but she was upset because she "didn't want to split video credit" nor heed those requests. She said that the people who requested were being "entitled" when they were receiving free food. But when her parents told her that she was being unreasonable, she said she "should've never created the event" and "didn't want to be told how to make her videos". She also said she'd rather cancel because the veterans "should be thanking her instead of complaining". But when her parents said that video consent was important when posting online, she told them to cancel the banquet, but was told that it wasn't completely in their hands after getting the church involved and using their venue/help with catering costs (along with people already signed up) When one of our friends asked if the point of the event was to honor veterans as she originally said, she said the event "would've been about her" if she had a graduation. But when I said that honoring the request seemed proper to do, she questioned if I was on her side. She also said she shouldn't do something nice for others "if she wasn't getting anything out of it". She then said we were done volunteering because she was going to have it canceled. But when we suggested calming down before canceling emotionally, she didn't like that either. However, what made me most disappointed was when she made a video stating that her parents "didn't allow" her to have a graduation party, thus why she created the veteran's party as an alternative although she was "suppressing" how she felt. She also said she planned to sue for "emotional distress" if they didn't cancel the banquet at the church, and she deleted her previous videos discussing the party When some of us reached out to her afterward, she admitted to one of our friends that she lied in the video (about not being allowed to have a graduation party) to try and stop the banquet, and hearing that changed my opinion of her. The party is scheduled for January, and many of us have already begun helping with preparations (not to mention those who already signed up to attend). I'm sorry my post was long, but this is my question. What would be the best way to handle this situation? We previously met at Ellen's home to discuss decorations/goodie bag ideas, but that was before Ellen's change, and some of us (myself included) are still supposed to be servers. I'm debating reaching out to her parents to see if she's alright/the status of the party because some of our friends think she's struggling with some sort of emotional breakdown, but a few others think she only cared about making the video her way/getting views. If Ellen is truly suffering, I want to help her. I'm going to call her parents to see if she's alright, but we've never seen her act like this before. I also don't believe in ghosting the commitment, so that's another reason I'm going to call them. But if anyone has any other advice, I'd really appreciate it as I'm open to anything, and thanks to anyone who read all of that too [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/18dan7x/update_myf22_friendsf22_hosting_a_banquet_to/): **December 7th, 2023** When I made my last post, I said I was going to call Ellen's parents after Ellen didn't return two calls I made after questioning if I was on her side during her rant about regretting creating the banquet. A few of the others in our friend group also called because we didn't believe in ghosting a commitment, and we had already begun creating giveaways/decoration ideas previously with Ellen When I called, I decided to call her mom (we'll call her Joy. I told her that I called to ask about the banquet's status along with how Ellen was doing/told us not to volunteer anymore, and she said she appreciated me calling. She also said she was aware of Ellen's video slandering them and asked her to remove it, but hasn't as of yet. She said they were going through a lot as a family, but that she appreciated me inquiring after I told her I didn't believe in ghosting commitments. She confirmed that the banquet was still on and that she'd still love for us to volunteer because cancelling would be wrong to everyone involved and especially the veteran families attending. She also confirmed the argument Ellen said she had with them (about cancelling). She also said she and her husband were debating how to handle the video/her recent behavior They told Ellen she was overreacting to a simple request to edit two veterans out of the video when there were dozens of people signed up. When I told her that many of us were supposed by Ellen's sudden shift, she told me something I never knew. When Ellen decided not to have a high school graduation when they offered to throw her one, she began complaining after hearing how some friends received a lot of money at their graduations. So when they asked if she still wanted a graduation party albeit much later into the summer than they would've initially, she blamed them for not "throwing one for her" instead of asking because she hated "planning parties for herself". So when she declined, they offered to take her to dinner with a few friends if she wanted something smaller, but she said no and that it was too late. So when it came to her college graduation, they were certain she'd want one this time, but was surprised when she didn't Joy said she made a mistake by "enabling" Ellen when Ellen blamed her indecisiveness on them (they did give her a graduation gift though). However, she said she wasn't giving into her tantrum this time by cancelling the party after getting others involved. Yes, this banquet was entirely Ellen's idea, and yes it never would've been created without her. However, Joy said that that wasn't a reason to "disrespect" everyone she got involved. When Ellen told her parents how she wanted to honor relatives who were veterans that she was close with, she also told them she felt "led by God" to do it, and they thought it was a wonderful idea if she wasn't comfortable with a party for herself. However, in light of her tantrum about refusing to share video editing credit the church never asked for (and gave Ellen the choice to edit the veterans out herself) because she felt offended by the veteran's request, Joy said it was her fault for not teaching her earlier to not be entitled and to accept advice/constructive criticism, and she said she should've put her foot down a long time ago They fully paid for her tuition to go to college, and they're (rightfully) insulted about her threat to sue them. I told her that Ellen admitted to a friend that she lied in the video to stop the banquet, and Joy said it'd be good for Ellen to learn now that she won't always get her way before getting married and being a "drama queen" when planning her wedding someday, and she said she spoke to a few others in our friend group about still volunteering too. So as of now, I'm still volunteering, and I consider my friendship with Ellen over. I'll definitely update after the banquet, and I appreciate the comments reinforcing my beliefs to follow through on the commitment. But there's one more thing I wanted to add. I'm not personally religious, but I've volunteered in the past. I enjoy doing it and simply saw this as a volunteer event in a church, and I've done previous food drives connected to church's when I was younger. I hope the event goes well and that Ellen comes to her senses, but even if it requires this situation to learn she can't always get her way, maybe that'll help her long term. I've called her a few more times since my first post as a last ditch effort, but she never answered still \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ **(Notable Comments)** **(cMeeber)** "She sounds terrible honestly. All of this was obv just a ploy for attention and a boost to her social media. Hilarious that it was done in a church too…the Bible says “When you give … do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing”. As in, don’t just do good deeds so you can been seen by others and profit in some way from it. You should help for the goal of actually helping and not what you can get out of it. She could still even have video of it too. But she’s mad about video credit? What? I would honestly start limiting my contact with her. I wouldn’t want others to think I condoned her behavior or shared her “values.” And also, her behavior is just appalling…I don’t seek friendship with those that disgust me" (**onedayatatime08)** "Honestly, if you're doing something free or nice for someone and you NEED to post it online, it isn't really for others. It's for you because you want praise and attention. That's kind of one thing that bothers me when you see free haircuts for homeless people or free meals being given online.. none of those people want a camera in their face. Locally in my area they often host free Christmas dinner for people that need it or may not have anyone to celebrate with. But then they post it online. For that very reason, I'd never attend. Your friend needs to learn that when you're doing something nice for someone, you shouldn't expect to get something in return. That's not how giving works **(Stormtomcat)** "I think there's a telling detail that proves she's not having an emotional breakdown or a mental issue: her mom told her that video consent is a major factor when it comes to social media content & she said she didn't care. She's just having a temper tantrum, and her ethics in general (beyond this one event) are questionable at best, imo **(MannyMoSTL)** "Wow. She took a simple graduation party, took a national holiday, involved multiple local organizations, an entire church congregation, loads of her own friends … and … made it ALL ABOUT HERSELF. That’s the most genius “I don’t wanna focus on and/or celebrate me” possible. Gotta give her props … She’s well on her way to a life in politics. Perhaps even POTUS **(itsallminenow)** "I have every expectation that trying to teach Ellen not to be an entitled fuckwit is a horse that has long left the stable. She's too old to have a long education in humility at her parent's hands, and too young to have the wisdom to work it out for herself. I think Ellen will continue being an insufferable self centered narcissist for many unhappy years to come. Continuing with the party for the veterans is the only honourable thing to do here, and you should be commended for doing so, plus it might serve as a suitable middle finger to the pulsating asshole that Ellen appears to be >OOP's Response: "I don't believe in ghosting a commitment given her sudden desire to cancel, not to mention the video she admitted was a lie to try and have the event stopped. I'm going to call her parents to see how she is/the banquet status because we already put a lot into planning too"

My(f22) friend's(f22) hosting a banquet to honor veterans with free meals, but now wants to cancel after some attendees asked to not be posted on her social media. She also told our friend group to no longer volunteer

ONGOING

ThrowRA3837374

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i0iu8/myf22_friendsf22_hosting_a_banquet_to_honor/

18i0xur

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Connect-Astronomer79 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITA for Setting the Record Straight About My Boyfriend's Birthday Party Antics?** Trigger Warnings: >!financial abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, violation of privacy, revenge porn, sexual harassment, misogyny!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18c2dg4/aita_for_setting_the_record_straight_about_my/?share_id=S5cZW4fyDwOuJ0tuMEO0o&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 6, 2023** I (21F) recently found myself in a situation where my boyfriend's (22M) friends insisted I foot the bill for his birthday party under the pretence that he had generously covered mine. Little did his friends know, he not only failed to contribute to my celebration but also made me pay him back for a whiskey bottle he had gifted me, all while consuming half of it in front of everyone. Recently, my boyfriend celebrated his birthday, and when his friends insisted that I contribute to covering the expenses since he supposedly paid for mine, I felt compelled to set the record straight. While I appreciate the gesture of him throwing a party for me on my birthday, the reality is that he didn't contribute financially to the event. Instead, I ended up covering the costs, which left me feeling a bit deceived given the expectations set by his friends. The situation took an even more uncomfortable turn when he presented me with a whiskey bottle as a gift during my birthday party. What seemed like a thoughtful gesture quickly turned into a bizarre turn of events when he later asked me to pay him back for the "gift". To add insult to injury, he openly consumed half of the gifted whiskey in front of everyone while not even offering me a single drink out of it. Now, faced with the assumption that my boyfriend had generously paid for my celebration, his friends are expecting me to reciprocate the favour for his birthday party. I'm torn between going along with the misconception to keep the peace or revealing the truth about what transpired during my own celebration. So, AITA for considering exposing the reality of my boyfriend's actions regarding my birthday party expenses and the "gift"? Please Advice on How should I do it. If at all. &nbsp; **ADDITIONAL INFORMATION FROM OOP** >IDK if it is helpful or not but we have known each other for more than 8 years and have been dating for 2 and it's the first time that we had to celebrate my birthday together. For his birthday last year as per his request, I got us a hotel room in Mariot where he first "spent some time" with me and then asked me to leave after he was done so his friends could come in after I left and they could party for the rest of the night and next day. > >All this time he made me feel whatever I did for him including sex, payments and even cooking him his fav food were all my "duties" as a good girlfriend and I was craving that validation, since my parents have been very disappointed in me and barely talk nicely ever since the nudes leak thing happened and they were called up by my principal, who shamed them for being horrible parents, and said that I was a whore and all I was good for was " sleeping around" in other words. **AITAH has no consensus bot, based on the top comments, OOP was NTA** &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **AdmirableAvocado:** nta does your boyfriend even like you?! >**OP:** Makes me wonder cause every time we are out I am expected to pay more than 70%, even if we get a room for rent for a couple of hours which doesn't exactly cost a lot but its about the contribution. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18crxf4/update_aita_for_setting_the_record_straight_about/?share_id=YpJtin_i9MrJ8vH5axzAd&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 7, 2023** Hello again, Reddit. I wanted to provide an update on my previous post and share the recent developments in my relationship. After much contemplation and advice from everyone here, I decided to have an honest conversation with my boyfriend about the misconceptions surrounding our birthday celebrations. I calmly explained that while I appreciated the effort he put into throwing me a party, the financial burden had fallen entirely on my shoulders, contrary to what his friends believed. To my surprise, the discussion took an unexpected turn. My boyfriend not only admitted to his lack of financial contribution but also revealed a more troubling behaviour. He confessed to showing private pictures of us and me which he secretly took to his friends without my consent, a violation of my trust and privacy. What followed was an even more distressing revelation. His friends, upon learning about the situation, made inappropriate and disrespectful suggestions, implying that I should offer certain favours to them by entertaining them instead of contributing financially to my boyfriend's birthday party. Feeling disgusted by their behaviour and betrayed by my boyfriend, I took matters into my own hands. I discreetly recorded the inappropriate conversations and confronted my now ex-boyfriend about it. When he failed to show remorse, I decided to share the recordings with his friends' girlfriends, exposing their disrespectful comments. Additionally, I reached out to his mom and shared the troubling aspects of our relationship, hoping that she could offer some guidance or intervention. It was a difficult decision, but I felt it was essential to bring these issues to light. As a result, I've officially ended the relationship and distanced myself from those toxic individuals. Thank you all for the support and advice in my previous post and for making me realize what I have failed to see. ALSO please advice on anything more that i should be doing as a precaution. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Trailsya:** I am assuming this is in the States. Do they have laws against revenge porn? >**OP:** No, this is in Asia. Not sure but in our country the victim is harassed much more than the perpetrator and the shame that comes with it. My family will disown me and societal issues. Rather in many cases, they ask the victim to describe pics or show them what it might look like and call them horrible names and even if they do find out you become a fap material by then. **Chaoticgood790:** Ugh I’m sorry about that. I think in todays world not sending pictures is the way to go. Shouldn’t have to be bc you should be able to trust your partner >**OP:** oh this time round i didn't send anything, he took it all on his own, that's why even i don't know what it contains. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for Setting the Record Straight About My Boyfriend's Birthday Party Antics?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i0xur/aita_for_setting_the_record_straight_about_my/

18i0yb1

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/PlayAffectionate8663 **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **AITA For telling my husband I will no longer go to his parents.** **Editor’s Note: Added spaces for readability** Trigger Warnings: >!risk of harm to a child, emotional abuse, manipulation, and verbal abuse!< --- [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/17ybze4/aita_for_telling_my_husband_i_will_no_longer_go/?share_id=6h7a9GMknQxXEyClX-QD4&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 18, 2023** I (24F) and my husband (24M) have a 4 month old daughter. We live within a few hours of his parents house and go see them often. I have historically been very close with his mom and we talk almost everyday. I told her before our baby was born that it would be nice if she could clean the main living area of their home. For some context, the house is disgusting.. they leave trash and dishes everywhere and do not clean regularly. Due to this and living in a rural area they have mice and have several traps out and poison on the floor in various places. Our daughter is starting to roll now and attempting to move which requires her being on the floor. The last time we were going there I kindly asked her if she could run the vacuum and she ignored my text. She said she didn’t see it but had her read receipts on and I know she did. I recently confronted my husband about this and he told me I was making a big deal out of something stupid and I shouldn’t tell other people how to keep their homes. I told him it is unsafe for our daughter when she starts crawling and even now as rolling and it isn’t fair to her to hold her when we are there a whole weekend. He said he would be willing to mention it to them but we’re still gonna go there even they don’t clean. I put my foot down and said we will not go if they dont clean up the living room. So please AITA? I am happy to clarify anything that may be unclear. EDIT: Thank you for the reassurance that I am doing the right thing for our daughter. We have a big trip with all of us for Thanksgiving so I’m going to wait to bring this up again until after. I will update with how the conversation goes between my husband and I and with his parents. I didn’t even think of the issues that could arise from the mice outside of the poison so I will definitely bring that up with sources for my husband and that he can give to his parents. I will also bring up that CPS will remove children from homes in this condition. For some clarification: His dad has some health issues that do make it difficult for him to do certain things but he uses it as an excuse to do almost nothing. He also goes to auctions frequently and “collects” things as some of you have put it. His mom isn’t home much so it does fall on her unfortunately and she is in denial about the state of the home. (won’t let anyone come over outside of us) I grew up in the complete opposite type of home. A clean house was my parents #1 priority over everything so I wasn’t sure if this was why i was “making a big deal” or if I was in the right. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Technical_Annual_563:** It seems like they could use help. Pretty hard to bring this up with sensitivity, but are any of you in a situation where you could gift them some cleaning service help, coincidentally before you come? >**OP:** I have tried to offer this as a gift before, they refuse to let anyone outside of family into their home because they are embarrassed. I offered to get with one of his mom’s closest friends as an alternative to a cleaning service because her and I both love cleaning and she told me her friend was not allowed to come there. **tabbycat4:** I'm trying to understand why you were subjecting yourself to that to begin with once you saw how disgusting her house was. >**OP:** I’ve always been very people pleasing/ non confrontational until I had a baby. His room there has always been clean as he is a clean person himself and doesn’t have a problem in our home. Since having a baby I have been speaking up for my daughter’s sake. It’s partially my fault for putting up with it for so long and not saying anything. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/18d0dih/update_on_aita_for_telling_my_husband_we_wont_go/?share_id=LbEnQz3CAlrxTQ75z50aD&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 7, 2023** **Transcript of the text message from OOP to MIL** We have decided to not bring [redacted] to your house for her health and wellbeing. Our job as parents is to keep her safe and do what is best for her even when it is a difficult decision. As she is beginning to move around and spends much of her time on the floor, the risk is too much to take. As a public health nurse you know the diseases that can be carried by mice and are present in their droppings. It makes a lot more sense to be preventative now than be regretful later. You are very welcome to come visit her anytime at our home and we would love that. We understand if this is upsetting but we have to put [redacted] and her wellbeing above everything else. **OOP's post below the text message screenshot** If anyone was wanting an update here it is. It isn’t allowing me to link the original story but you can find it on my page. I did not think this would turn into a big family issue but it has. I spoke with my husband about this matter more and while he was still in denial at first, I proved a lot of facts that were mentioned in the comments (thank you so much). After explaining all the risks to him he agreed that we need to tell them we will not allow our daughter to come there. He asked me to be the one to text his mom about this since I am much closer to her than he is (I included this text). I sent her a very kind text and she completely flipped on me. She has been very passive aggressive towards me and asks to FaceTime to see our daughter and will completely ignore me on the FaceTime. His father is giving us the silent treatment, which is very hard for my husband as the 2 of them usually talk on the phone at least 1-2 times a day. This really did not need to be a big deal and I’m shocked that it is. I can see my husband struggling internally with being so close to them but knowing he’s doing the right thing choosing our family. It feels to us like they’re basically saying “our pride and being lazy matters more to us than our grandkid.” Additionally, while we were on this family trip, I would be with his mom alone at times and she would talk shit on every single family member that was there, mind you it’s the dads family not hers. She also had me read some texts about gossip back home with her friend and left me with her phone and I accidently scrolled to far and saw she was talking shit about me and part of it was calling me a bad mom… I thought we were close, but after this trip and how she is treating us after telling her our daughter won’t go to her house I am taking a big step back from the relationship with her. &nbsp; **west-bestern:** Your husband has shown you that he refuses to stand up for you and his own child. HE should have been the one to send that text. You deserve better. >**OP:** He definitely should have been the one to send the text. We are young and have been together since high school and have always spent a lot of time with his parents. He is their “golden child” who can do no wrong. We have been married less than a year and him standing up to them is something we are working on. He’s getting there and the rest of the communication about this will go through him. What matters is that he is working on it and making the choice to choose us over everyone. **Many-Eye574:** All this could be avoided by a cleaning lady coming by once a week smh your mother in law should realize that there’s a problem and get some help cleaning since she obviously needs it >**OP:** We have recommended this to her and even offered to pay for it. Once she rejected that we offered to clean it once and then she maintain it after that.. and we did and 3 weeks later we came back and it looked like we were never there. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA For telling my husband I will no longer go to his parents.

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i0yb1/aita_for_telling_my_husband_i_will_no_longer_go/

18i0yrt

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Puzzleheaded-Tie5558 **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest **I’m amazed by and also kinda afraid of my GF** Trigger Warnings: >!harassment!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/17chxtf/im_amazed_by_and_also_kinda_afraid_of_my_gf/?share_id=GTBI9YYPAfJkI2QFW8TWW&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Oct 20, 2023** I’ve (28m) been dating Jen (27f) for 2 years and she’s amazing: kind, smart, funny, pretty, everything. She has a really warm and bubbly personality, smiles and laughs a lot. I say she has RNF (resting nice face). She’s also 5’5” of caged fury. Between her looks and approachable personality, she gets hit on by guys a lot. She also gets a lot of hate from women. I used to get really jealous when guys talked to her and she would get mad at me for being jealous. Let me be 100% clear; she’s not particularly flirty, she doesn’t initiate conversations, doesn’t lead guys on, she’s not looking for male attention I’m 6’1” and somewhat intimidating build, so my go to move is standing tall with my arms crossed and staring at the guy then saying something like “is there an issue”. Instead of immediately jumping in when guys hit on her, and causing an argument with her, I started to pay attention to how she handles unwanted attention. She’s like a ninja deflecting creeps and mean girls. She reads the situation and knows when to act nice, when to ignore them, when to be firm, and when to leave. I started to realize I don’t need to be jealous and she can take care of herself. I tore up my knee over the summer. She basically moved in to help me during my surgery and rehab. She’s been amazing. Taking me to things when I couldn’t drive, making me food when I couldn’t even stand, helping me do my PT. I’m still wearing a knee brace, but I’m getting there. She loves to dance, although I’m terrible, I love going with her because it makes her happy and she looks incredible when she’s dancing. Since my injury we haven’t gone out much and we haven’t gone dancing. I’m not able to dance more than a slow dance, so I got her friends to go out with us so she has someone to dance with (pretty sure she likes dancing with her female friends more, anyway). It was me, Jen, a couple, and two girls. The couple left pretty early. Watching her dance, I had a moment of clarity. All I could think was how lucky I was that I’d be going home with the person I most loved in the world. I realized I wanted to marry her. Three attractive women dancing are going to draw attention. I’m no hater, but it was funny watching guys try to hit on them and glad that wasn’t me anymore. This group of guys in particular weren’t getting the hint. They surrounded the girls and tried to dance behind them. Jen said something and pushed them aside. The girls come back to where I was sitting and the guys are glaring at us. Club closes and we’re walking out towards my car. Turns out the guys weren’t ready to let it go. A couple of the guys were insulting us, especially me for being a “beta”, that I’m not a real man (real incel energy). The irony that they are the guys I should have been “protecting” my GF from was totally lost on them. They’re getting louder and more aggressive, we try to diffuse the situation, but they’re not letting up, a fight seemed inevitable. We’re a block from the club, so I tell the girls we’re going to head back to where the people waiting for Ubers are standing. They block our way and I’m about ready to get in their faces hoping I can intimidate my way out while the girls get away. I have one bad leg and if someone shoves me I’ll probably fall down, plus there is only one of me. Jen suddenly releases a stream of insults and obscenities towards these guys and doesn’t let up, I’m not sure she even stopped to take a breath. They were shocked (and so was I) by the genuine rage directed towards them. I’ve never seen her so angry. They’re backing up while she’s moving towards them screaming. She’s driving them back towards the crowd while also creating a commotion (told you she’s a ninja). Some club goers start to come over and and it’s clear they aren’t on the guys’ side. The guys are embarrassed because they’re getting upbraided by 120lbs of white hot rage. This is the part where I should be embarrassed my GF, who is 8” shorter and 75lbs lighter, kept me from getting my butt kicked. Honestly though, it was one of the most badass things I’ve ever seen. TLDR: The same woman that was the most gentle person when I couldn’t walk also stared down a group of creeps outside a club. She’s a keeper. I better get a ring on this one before she realizes she can do better. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **BaseTensMachine:** I wish guys would take cues like this better. I've had bfs really misread a situation and start fights that put me in danger-- caught an elbow to the face once, thanks so much Jeff, you big strong man you. Good luck with your girl! >**OP:** Sorry to hear about catching the elbow. > >It was tough to control my feelings at first. We go to (until the injury) a lot of places places where single people meet (concerts, festivals, bars, clubs, rec sports, climbing gym) so guys are already looking for women to chat up. > >Not a great reflection on me, but one of the reasons I started to pay attention to her interactions was because I wanted to prove she was being flirty and that was the real problem. Well, I realized she wasn’t and she was giving me no reason to be jealous. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18d5936/update_im_amazed_by_and_kinda_afraid_of_my/?share_id=XX9REnCA8l18k-_GHHuNd&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 7, 2023** Thank you to everyone that read and commented on my previous post. I was a nervous wreck writing it. I was trying to work up the courage to talk to her about our future and make sure we were on the same page. I knew she loves me and wants to be my wife, but she has a lot she wants to achieve, like going to grad school. I would have understood if she wanted to wait to get engaged, it still would have hurt though. She was sitting on the couch, reading a book, and I was just looking at her. I was thinking, “she’s so amazing, just talk to her, every thing will be fine”. She looked at me through her big dumb glasses and smiled. That was final push I needed. Fortunately we were both in the same place and ready to take the next step. We just went on a long weekend. We were walking to a little spot with a beautiful view for a picnic and I pretended to stumble and reinjure my knee. Pretty sure she didn’t buy it, but she played along. She loved the ring and of course accepted. My previous post was a love/appreciation letter ABOUT her. I also wrote one TO her that was much different and more personal. I wrote it by hand to give to her when I proposed. She cried when I proposed and again when she read the letter. I also showed her the post later that day. She liked it, I got a couple of little laughs and a loving look from her. She said I was exaggerating; those guys were all talk, she’s not a badass, men don’t flirt with her that often, women are rarely mean to her, and she’d kick my ass if I said otherwise (she was joking about that last part, I hope). I’m sticking by what I wrote. She’s a tough badass in my eyes. It really enjoyed writing both the post and the letter, so I started hand writing her little letters and poems. They’re pretty bad, but she keeps each one, she even printed the post and saved that. She tells me she loves my writing because it makes her feel more connected when I express my feelings. I think that’s her way of saying it’s the thought that counts. I’m amazed by and kinda afraid of my fiancée. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

I’m amazed by and also kinda afraid of my GF

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i0yrt/im_amazed_by_and_also_kinda_afraid_of_my_gf/

18i0yxe

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Iwuvairplanes **I think what I did was fine. You decide** **Originally posted to** r/TwoHotTakes **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!property destruction, emotional manipulation, financial abuse!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/EvKUckAJy4)  **Oct 16, 2023** Ok so this started a major fight between me(24M) and my girlfriend(24F). So my gf and I have lived together for 4 years been together 6 years(high school sweethearts). At 20 I was lucky to be making quite a bit of money and so I bought myself a new Jeep Wrangler as a second car to have fun with. My other car was my birthday present from my parents when I turned 18(2017 Subaru Forester). My gfs car was totaled right after we moved in together and so I let her use whichever of my cars I wasnt and put her on my insurance. She never ended up buying another car because she can't save money and has gotten comfortable in my "new fancy" cars compared to her 04 camry. Now we get to the problem. She crashed both of them in a month. My jeep just needed $4500 of body work but my Subaru was a total loss. (She was 100% fine no injuries whatsoever). Both of them she was at fault. The jeep she pulled out of a parking space too tight and scraped every panel from front to back and destroyed the other car. The Subaru she was texting and driving and hit a parked car at 25MPH in our neighborhood. Now I get that accidents happen but she took no responsibility for either accident! The jeep is somewhat understandable but to be texting and driving(something she knows I feel very strongly against) and not take responsibility made me upset. So I told her its fine but that I would be taking the insurance money for the Subaru and sell my jeep after it was fixed and buying myself a new car and that $5,000 of it would go to her to either buy a cheap used car or use as a downpayment on something nicer. She said okay and nothing else really. The next Saturday when the Jeep was fixed I did exactly what I said I was going to and bought myself a tricked out Volvo XC40! My gf was working and came home and went ballistic saying she couldn't believe I didn't get her a car too and wasted it buying such a nice car for myself. I told her with a 5k downpayment you can pretty much buy exactly what we had before maybe a bit newer but she was mad because she will have monthly payments and won't be able to afford everything for her skincare routine or be able to save to buy Christmas presents. Thar bit about presents for her family really made me feel like an ass. I did offer to help with that and explained I just wanted her to have an asset in her name. "If we ever broke up you would need your own car" and that set her off again about if i see my life with her or not. She is staying at her moms house currently. Wont talk to me. AITA? E.T.A: Yes we live in the US. I am not originally from the US but am a dual citizen. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **valhalla-at-your-grl** >So she wrecked not one but TWO cars that were not hers and feels zero remorse for it and she expects you to not only help her get a car but straight up pay for one so that she can go about spending her money on whatever frivolous materialistic things she wants? >Your offer to give her money for a downpayment on a new car is more than what she deserves in this situation. >She's an "adult" who should be capable of doing adult things. Also, her trying to guilt trip you by saying she won't have money for Christmas gifts is a piss poor excuse for not wanting to pay for something. >NTA. The fact that she's 24 and acting like this is truly perplexing. **OOP** >>Yeah. Never seen this side of her. Also, shes never been this close to her mom her whole life and personally I think her mom is influencing her decisions **OOP again** >>Technically if we are counting not at fault parties cars' then its 9. She wrecked her camry sliding out on ice at 50 MPH and hit three parked cars. Then my jeep she did significant body damage to it and totaled the older car. Then the Subaru she totaled hitting a parked car texting and driving and the car she hit struck the car in front but most likely not a total loss **OOP ON IF HES BEING USED AND HIS GIRLFRIEND'S IMMATURITY** >Yeah I am definitely learning that. My sister thinks she is just pushing back so hard because she knows she won't be able to get insurance and possibly might not qualify for an auto loan. (Before we moved in together she got an eviction(NOT HER FAULT, ROOMMATE WENT CRAZY) and it destroyed her credit. She has had a lease agreement with me for 3.5 years to help build it up but it occurs to me I hadn't actually checked in a year what her credit score is up to). I wish she would at least answer the damn phone [Update- My girlfriend crashed both my cars in the span of a month](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/IhP5yQrFhA)  **Dec 7, 2023** Well its been almost 2 months since I posted and also about 2 months since we broke up. I appreciate everyone who didn't just call me an enabler. So she was the one to break up with me. Her reasoning for wanting to break up is that she no longer saw me as a romantic partner but rather as a boss/landlord/parent. It definitely hurt since even through everything I still loved her. She moved out the last of her things from my storage on Saturday and brought her new boyfriend with. (Not to be judgmental, but he looks homeless tbh so that was kind of funny). I did end up giving her the $5,000 I promised her and well... no other way to say it... that was probably a mistake. Instead of buying a car it looks like she bought her mom and her a trip to Mexico (she posted it on her IG and I know she didn't have that kind of money and her mom most certainly didn't buy it). I honestly don't know if she has a car or if she is driving her new boyfriends car, her moms or decided to just use transit and uber. As for me. I still love my little Volvo, my best friend going back to middle school ended up moving in to my condo now that its just me, and I got a really lucrative new contract at work! Haven't bothered looking for anything romantically since the breakup and have been working on myself and trying to identify what qualities I really want in my future partner. So yeah. Sorry to everyone that was hoping for some bigger drama **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **No_Fee_161** >I'm gonna call you an enabler again because you stupidly gave her $5000. >Hope you grow from this experience, but please know that was stupid AF. **OOP** >>Honoring my word is important to me. Maybe to a fault but you know what? I'll take that over being thought of as a liar or a flake. * **Half_burnt_skunk** >Cut it out. It makes no sense to give her the 5k after she totaled one car and caused 4500k of damage on your jeep. >If this is real, do not let her cone crawling back into your life. She can eat a bag of D... **OOP** >>Yeah I would not let her back in my life. I realize now that it was a one sided relationship. For trips, christmas, her birthday and such I constantly had to one up last year or she would be upset. I am learning a lot from my therapist about self worth. All in all I am glad I kept my word and gave her the money **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I think what I did was fine. You decide

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i0yxe/i_think_what_i_did_was_fine_you_decide/

18i0zdr

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/hans_w0rmhat **Teacher has a naughty and nice list** **Originally posted to** r/kindergarten **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!Shaming young children!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/kindergarten/s/Tpuk7cpJzB)  **Dec 6, 2023** My son came home today and said his kindergarten teacher (has been teaching over 20 years) has a naughty and nice list. He said 2 kids are on the naughty list. I initially thought he must be misunderstanding or it’s a joke. I texted another mom with a kid in the class and she said her child said the exact same thing tonight, named the same two “naughty” kids, and said her child is on a “pending” list because they didn’t clean up like they were supposed to today (said her child learned the word pending today because of this!) I already messaged a few teacher friends and the have all reiterated that this is not normal or acceptable. I would love some advice on how to approach the situation! I also don’t personally ever do a “naughty/nice” / Santa is watching thing. I teach my kids to be good because it’s the right thing and you want to live somewhere where people do the right thing VS just doing the right thing because someone is watching, so it’s also problematic to me in that aspect. I can imagine it would not be fun to parents that don’t celebrate Christmas Cross posting in mommit. Thanks in advance! **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **EDITOR'S NOTE: comments were split on this topic, either for or against the naughty list. I only included a couple.** **Environmental-Air678** >Perhaps volunteer to work with 20+ students, kindergartners no less, and see what it takes to manage behavior. I get that your Google research about clip charts or whatever supported your bias and trumps professional knowledge gained by advanced degrees and on the job experience, but do you honestly think the misbehavior is happening in a vacuum? The kids in that class already know who the naughty kids are before they ever get put on a list. Stop being a busybody with “oh golly gee shucks, I didn’t mean for it to get to the admin” nonsense. You knew what would happen if you told the right person. So silly… **OOP** >>I reached out to 7 friends that are educators, all different levels of experience and in different states. All said this is absolutely unacceptable. The school admin said it was absolutely unacceptable. I’m not going off google, I’m deferring to the people I know in real life and trust who do have degrees in the field! * **Kai_Emery** >I had terrible ADHD that hadn’t been diagnosed when I was 7. No amount of public call out was gonna train a neurotransmitter issue out of me. But it did make me feel like shit. I think the expectations of kindergarten are too high these days too. >A lot of adults in these threads have been down with bullying kids and equating bullying with discipline. I don’t like that. YOU CAN discipline kids without humiliating them. **OOP** >>Right?  That one guy that keeps going off is like "WHAT OTHER OPTION IS THERE?!?" .. there are plenty of options that don't include shaming/bullying, which any uneducated (on the topic) person here could quickly google [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/kindergarten/s/ufhFxW5suC)  **Dec 6, 2023** Thank you all for your input and advice!  I appreciated hearing the different points of view (even the mean ones lol).  Who knew a naughty/nice list would be so controversial lol.  I sent a short and sweet email to the teacher this morning - >Hey Ms <teacher's name>, I hope your week is going well!  <My child's name> came home yesterday and told me something I found concerning.  He said there is a classroom naughty/nice list and singled out two kids that are "naughty" (and some that are "pending").  I am assuming this was something said in jest but wanted to check with you.  Thanks! Well, my friend that works for the school must have brought it up to admin because about an hour later I got a call from the AP apologizing over it.  She said she dealt with it swiftly, shut it down, and the lists will be no more.  She said she is still trying to wrap her head around someone thinking that was a good idea, she said she is still processing it, said it was insensitive, and that kids shouldn't be worried for the next 11 days.  I told her she didn't need to apologize at all and I just felt bad for the kids on the "naughty" list!  Everything she said to me was really reassuring and I appreciated how honest and blunt she was with me! The teacher did email back since - >Hi, This was something that I have done for at least a decade.  It helped with behaviors in the past.  I will not be doing it any longer.  Thank you for your concern. Her response makes me think she thinks I am the one that told admin but oh well what can you do lol.  Something that came up a lot in the comments was equating this to the clip charts.  As many other users pointed out, googling these will bring up tons of articles on why these are problematic and shouldn't be used.  The naughty/nice lists have the added layer of directly labeling a child as naughty in front of their peers.  Thanks again everyone! ETA: when my kid came home today he told me "Santa took our list!" .. kinda makes it more weird imo lol.  He also questioned how Santa took the list because he said it was displayed on their smart board hahah.  We said he must have emailed himself a copy and deleted it since it's private!  I also asked if everyone made it on the nice list before Santa took it and he said they did, and that he hopes no one moves lists now 2ETA:  if any of the teachers that have commented have amazon wishlists for their classrooms, I would love to contribute! please post a link under your comment if that is allowed, or DM me directly! TLDR the teacher was, in fact, using naughty/nice lists for behavior.  Admin shut it down. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **lillkkilo** >I don’t understand how so many of you aren’t able to understand that the child’s behavior can still be addressed.. it just doesn’t have to come with shaming them in front of their peers. >Some of YOU belong on the naughty list. **OOP** >>Seriously! So many comments “OP is just mad her kid is being held accountable”… my kid was on the nice list!!! But in no way do I think he (or any of his classmates) shouldn’t be corrected if misbehaving. Just not down with a teacher labeling a child naughty! * **importantbirdqueen** >I still remember being a tiny kid with autism and ADHD getting my clip moved from green to yellow every day in first grade for talking to other kids during centers. I was 6. It did not change my behavior, it just made me feel bad that i couldn't control myself to do what my teachers wanted. I'm 28 now and I STILL remember that feeling. >Thank you for sticking up for kids that weren't even yours. You may have helped those two more than you know. **OOP** >>My son tells me often about one of the “naughty” kids getting in trouble. Makes me sad for her to actually get the naughty label. No way it’s effective  in helping her control herself. As far as I know the other “naughty” kid is usually well behaved! Sad for him too **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Teacher has a naughty and nice list

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i0zdr/teacher_has_a_naughty_and_nice_list/

18i1u6a

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/SchoolPlayThrway](https://new.reddit.com/user/SchoolPlayThrway/). **Mood Spoiler:** >!hopeful-ish ending!< **Original** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18ap0er/aita_for_not_sharing_my_daughters_school_play/)**: December 4, 2023** My (35F) father (68M) moved to a different country 8 years ago. He tries to visit whenever he can, and I try to help him have as much of a relationship with my children (9M, 5F and baby girl) as possible. Whenever he visits, however, he tends to act a bit entitled. He either sleeps or hangs out with his old friends in the mornings and afternoons, doesn't help me with anything I ask him to, and then gets annoyed when he wants to do something at 9PM and the kids are too tired. His excuses are always that he's exhausted from traveling, and deserves to get some rest and spend time with friends he never gets to see anymore. My kids are always excited when my dad visits, but at this point, they see him more when he's FaceTiming us from a different hemisphere than when he's staying in our guest room. Anyway, he's visiting us now to meet my youngest daughter, who was born in September. He got here two weeks ago, and will fly back home in a few days. I've been trying to get him to spend more time with my kids this time around, but he still goes out a lot. My older daughter had her first ever school play on Saturday. She was really excited about it, and invited my father. He promised her he'd come. The day before the play, my father went out with his friends and didn't come back until 3AM. The play started at 11AM, and we had to get there 30 minutes earlier. In total, he must have gotten about 6 hours of sleep. When we (my dad, my husband, my son and me) got there, we sat at one of the first rows (my daughter had asked us to). The play was 40 minutes long. My father fell asleep less than 15 minutes in. I woke him up; he slept again. He snores loudly when he sleeps, so I kept waking him up whenever he slept. Near the end of the play, I was too late to wake him, and he let out a snore that was so loud that some of the kids on the stage looked over at us. At that, I hit his arm a little harder, and he didn't fall back asleep. My husband and I haven't mentioned anything to my daughter, but it's obvious she noticed. She was heartbroken after the play, and dismissed any of our attempts to talk about it. My husband filmed the play for my mom and stepdad (who were with our baby during it). Instantly after the play, my dad asked if he could have the video too, since he didn't watch most of it. We're not sharing it with him. I told him that he had the opportunity to watch it live, and instead ruined the experience for all of us, specially my daughter. He doesn't deserve to watch what he missed just because he decided to stay out late the night before. My dad's pissed. He's telling me and my husband that we're robbing him of his role in my daughter's life. He also maintains the excuse that he was exhausted during the play and needed to get some rest. I really don't think we're the AHs, but with how tense things have been getting, it might be easier to just let him watch the video. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Why do you let him stay with you?* "He stays with my younger sister sometimes, but her place is much smaller than ours. The rest of my paternal family lives mostly in a different state. It's usually more convenient for him to stay at my apartment." *Grandma:* "My mom is especially upset about this. She wanted to come to the play, but volunteered to watch my baby so that my dad could go." *He's probably embarrassed that he looked bad and wants to seem like he cares now:* "Yeah, that thought definitely crossed my mind. I'm pretty sure he was embarrassed about the snoring, and it would make sense for him to want the video because of that." *Clarification:* Commenter: You need to determine with your dad if he’s in town to “help with whatever you ask him to” or To “visit friends and relax” plus see you and the kids. There’s a difference in intent. OOP: By "help me with anything I ask him to", I meant minuscule tasks. Handing over the remote control is too much of an effort sometimes. "The most I've asked him to do was pick up the takeout we'd ordered (he was ten steps away from the door and I was changing a diaper) and wash his plate after dinner (we have a "wash what you use" rule)." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18dbbhf/update_aita_for_not_sharing_my_daughters_school/)**: December 7, 2023** To those who commented on my post, thank you. My father's leaving tomorrow, so I thought I'd give a small update. These past few days, things have been awkward. Mostly because me and my husband were mad at my father, who was mad at us back. A few hours after I wrote my post, my father decided to "prove me wrong" about my daughter being upset. He sat next to her and tried to get her to talk about the play. He was asking her questions about it, many of which he'd know the answer to if he'd stayed awake during it. I'm guessing my daughter understood that, because it only made things worse. She refused to answer his questions, and at one point ran to me crying. I'm not sure if that was my dad's wake up call or if it was his granddaughter refusing to talk to him (she usually idolizes him). Whatever it was, he apologized to my daughter ("grandpa was really tired, but he loves you very much"). She said she forgave him, but was still upset. So he came to me Tuesday night to ask what he could do to fix things before he went home. I helped him brainstorm some ideas. Yesterday, my father surprised the kids with a trip to the aquarium. My daughter had been asking us to go there for a while, but with a newborn at home, we hadn't found the time yet. The kids had a lot of fun there, and my dad let them each get a plushie from the gift shop. Afterwards, we went to McDonald's and took the kids to see Santa at the mall. Overall, my kids had a great day with their grandfather, and my daughter is feeling a lot better. That said, the aquarium, non-fancy food and old guy in a fake beard are definitely part of my father's idea of hell, so I'm sure I'll hear him complain about all the "sacrifices" he made for his grandkids for a while. But as long as my kids think he had fun, I'm fine with that. I do think he understands he screwed up, though. He's no longer asking us for the video, and has promised he'll never show such disregard for things my kids care about again. As some of you suggested, I told him that he'll have to stay with my sister or one of his friends next time he visits. I think he knows the "you're keeping me away from my grandkids" excuse won't work on me, because he hasn't complained about that yet. If he tries to pick a fight over it once he's home, I'll hang up on him. Thanks everyone! ***Relevant Comments:*** *What's he got against aquariums???* "He thinks they're boring. Same goes for zoos." *It's a good start but I'm not convinced his behavior will change:* "Oh I'm not convinced either. That's why he's not staying with us next time. I don't want my kids to get used to him behaving like this. My sister has a daughter, so I hope he stays with one of his friends instead of her."

AITA for not sharing my daughter's school play video with my father after he slept through it?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i1u6a/aita_for_not_sharing_my_daughters_school_play/

18i2otu

**I am still not the Original Poster. That's still** [u/Scared-Weakness-6250](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/). **New Updates starting in November begin with \*\*\*\*\*** I removed **ALL** previous comments included in the last posts so I could fit this in one post AND added some TLDRs. You can find the most recent BORU [here](https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17ebq8e/heyyyy_its_a_new_update_to_aita_for_jumping_out/), and one with full comments [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16baa7d/new_update_aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when/). A reminder that this sub has a 7 day waiting period so the last update is 7 days old. **Mood Spoiler:** >!Victory-ish for OOP!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/156xijb/aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my_niece_and/?sort=old)**: July 22, 2023 (Removed from AITA, preserved in comments)** OOP reluctantly goes to a family bbq. OOP's nephews and nieces push people into the pool and eventually try with OOP. OOP sees this coming from a mile away and steps out of the way and the kids fall in, along with the phone they were holding to record. OOP's sisters got pissed for "almost letting their kids drown" and because the phone is now at the bottom of the pool. They insist that OOP should have let the kids push him into the pool and OOP needs to apologize. ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/15u2n72/update_aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way_when_my/)**: August 17, 2023 (Almost 1 month later)** TLDR of first half of post: OOP spends the first part of this post explaining that the kids were fully capable of swimming and that the party ended on a sour note. Turns out drunk BIL who face-planted had to get stitches. Sisters and BILs texted mean shit to OOP and he and his wife blocked them. Mom and Dad were pissed at the texts and made the sisters apologize and 'end this nonsense.' OOP thought things were over but instead gets a text from one BIL saying OOP needs to reimburse them for the phone. OOP refuses, sends a screenshot to his parents and says he's going no-contact with sisters. *Second half of the post (not a TLDR):* At that point the shit really hit the fan. Dad called them and ripped them a new one. Among other things he told them the grandkids were not welcome at his place indefinitely. Since my mom regularly provides free babysitting that got them pretty rattled. He also banned them from using the vacation house and told them my wife and I actually own it, not he and mom. This completely freaked them out - both of my sisters' / families use the place a lot including having their friends up for weekend getaways. This was very much out of character for my folks. They'd clearly had it. And for reference, I never wanted my sisters to know we own the place. We bought it for my folks, they'd always wanted a place in the mountains. Keeping the ownership quiet was just a way to avoid drama with my siblings. A couple of days later my sisters and their husbands came to our place unannounced to apologize in person. We were were out to dinner and they left a note. One sister also called me at work too, I sent her to voicemail. We've decided being no contact is the best thing for the indefinite future and haven't interacted with them for the last 3+ weeks. Personally I'm done, they can go pound sand. **Update 2** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/comments/16266ru/update_2/)**: August 26, 2023 (9 days from previous post)** *(Editor's note- Just wanted to include this first line)* Well, it's been an interesting last few days. I thought the shit had hit the fan before but it was more of a fart compared to what's happened this week. **TLDR:** OOP provides financial context here: OOP's sisters think parents are dripping in money when in fact they are not. Turns out oldest sis and her fam have been living beyond their means and are in need of a loan (which parents can't give). She's also been renting out the vacation house once a month or so for the last 3 years and has been keeping the money. Other sister was aware of this and possibly has rented it out previously as well. OOP's parents feel awful and let OOP know. They figure that the sisters will try to convince OOP to let them rent out the house- turns out they're right. The sisters show up and practically force their way inside OOP's house to convince them to let them use the place. They also say (quoting from OOP here): "I've been a shitty brother and that I needed to "step up" and plan on paying for their kids' college tuitions since "that's what family does"." OOP calls them out on their bullshit and there's a huge blowup and the sisters leave. OOP is exhausted, frustrated and drained. **Update 3** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/comments/16h06o1/update_3/)**: September 12, 2023 (2.5 weeks from last update)** Yet another update regarding the cluster f that is my extended family. Thought it might be time given what's gone on over the past two weeks. After my sisters came to my place my mom and dad told me they were done with managing the vacation home. Sounded like the sisters had been pressuring them to let them use the place again. Basically my folks handed the responsibility for place over to me and told me it was my problem from here on out. Up until then they'd kept track of who would be using it when and they'd taken care of routine maintenance, replacing worn out items, etc. In any case they decided they didn't want to be in the middle of all this crap. While I don't blame them I'm disappointed because the damn place was supposed to be something for them to enjoy and hang out in and they use it regularly. Plus I've never cared that they let my sisters and their families use it, because really I've always thought that was my parents' call even though I technically own it. But now my folks are going to be in the position of not having access without me being involved and that changes the whole dynamic of the place. I've taken several steps to secure the place. I already mentioned that I locked the gate, it has a heavy duty chain and the best lock I could find. I also did a full reset on all the door keypads and created all new codes. Security cameras got installed yesterday, which is actually pretty cool because the installer convinced me to put a high res one that looks out over the valley. The system cost me way more than I thought it would but the peace of mind is worth it. The installer also put up signs on the property saying the place was monitored by video. I also installed a heavy duty lockout for the water shutoff / drain valve. I hope to hell I don't lose the keys for it because if I do it's going to be a bear to try to remove. Haven't told anyone but my wife that the water is locked off and again, only we have the keys. Last week I got separate calls at my office from both of the husbands trying to convince me to let them use the house "like they always have". The older one had gone up with some friends for a guy's hangout but couldn't get in because of the gate lock. He was pretty pissed and embarrassed about being locked out, I'm sure he would have broken the lock if he could have. During his call he kept bouncing between pushy and victimhood. At one point he threatened to "rip that gate outta the goddamn ground". He also admitted they'd been renting it out to "a few friends", that they needed the money, I was ruining their "business" and that I should refund their guests' money (Me?? F that). I should have recorded the conversation with him but I don't know how to do that from an office phone anyway. The other BIL just sounded like he was being made to call by my sister, he didn't really put up a fight when I told him not to plan on ever using the place again. In any case I told them they can't use the place and not to ask again. At this point I'm considering selling the vacation home. Wife and I won't use it enough to justify keeping it and it's not like there's going to be any family get togethers there anytime soon. I mentioned selling it to my folks, their response was pretty much "whatever". I'd more than double my money by selling it, the place consists of three lots with killer views and is at the end of a private road. But I'll probably wait for a while to sell, doing so now would be an emotional decision. My sisters and I aren't currently speaking and I have no plans to initiate contact. I don't know what the status between them and my folks is and I don't want to. On the upside, we spent an evening with my folks last week, went to a new restaurant that was nice. No one brought up any of this crap. Mom did update us on the nieces and nephews, she's spending time with them at their homes. Sorry this update isn't full of laughs or owns, that's just life sometimes. **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/comments/179pz3l/update_4/) **4:** **October 16, 2023 (1 month later)** A couple of people have asked for an update, here you go. I hired a guy to manage / look over the vacation home. He lives in the area, takes care of his folks and manages a good number of properties, some are vacation rentals, some are weekend places like ours. He has access to my camera feeds and does a physical check on the place every week or two. I think he may have the best job in the mountains, he gets paid to drive around with his dog, walk around the properties and hangs out on people's decks whenever he feels like it. He also has a camera feed from a house near the start of the private road that takes still shots whenever a vehicle goes past it. $450 per month plus he'll do basic maintenance and repairs on an hourly basis. He's friends with all of the sheriff's deputies too. Got a lot of peace of mind from doing this. And he sends photos from his walks to everyone once or twice a week. I have to brag a bit on my parents (I got all this from them tonight at dinner). They were getting pressure from my sisters to demand that I open up the vacation house to everyone for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving up there had become quite the tradition for the family (not for me or my wife, we've gone once in seven years). My dad refused to bother me about it because he knew I'd say no. They came up with what I think is a great plan, announced that they were organizing the Thanksgiving gathering and - if everyone split the cost in advance - they'd rent an Airbnb in the mountains. Otherwise they'd host Thanksgiving at their place or one of the sisters could host it. This caused a fight between the sisters because the middle sister was all for doing the Airbnb but the oldest one doesn't have any money. The deadline to commit to the Airbnb has passed, looks like Thanksgiving will be at my parents' place. Regardless, we won't be there. My parents have asked that we not sell the place for now, they decided they'd still like to use it occasionally but not until my sisters have come to terms with the new normal. And of course they'd probably like it if everyone could get together there again down the road, but that's just not going to happen. I'd just as soon sell it and move on at this point but I can live with keeping it if my folks do use it now and again. Plus it will be worth even more down the road. Wife and I have stayed no contact with my sisters and their husbands. Both sisters have called from new numbers (F you Google Voice) and left messages insisting that I meet with them "for our parents' sake" to work out how everyone can use "the family vacation home". They called my wife too. I'm glad I was already in the habit of not answering calls if I don't recognize the number. I honestly don't know if they're delusional or if they think they can bully me into giving them access again. Don't really care. My parents tell me that the oldest sister and her husband are getting out of the leases for their SUV and big ass truck and are selling their jet skis and some other shit they've never needed. That's going to be really hard on her, she's quite the braggart and won't like being seen in something older / smaller / cheaper. My BIL's identity is very much wrapped up with his truck as well, he even has a small tattoo of the truck company's logo. Which frankly is one of the many reasons why he and I never hung out. Several people have suggested I make the vacation home into an Airbnb. I don't plan to do so, at least anytime soon. I know it would make money but it would cause an incredible amount of drama across the family and would stress out my parents. They don't need that. It would also be a hassle to remove personal things my folks have there, that stuff has nowhere to go. And there would be wear and tear on the place. And I'm sure it would take some amount of time on my part even though I'd use a manager to do it. Just not worth it to me. **\*\*\*\*\*Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/comments/185gom3/update_5_crap/) **5: November 27, 2023 (1.5 months later)\*\*\*\*\*** **Title:** Update #5... Crap. Wrote most of this yesterday but decided to wait to post it until I wasn't so wound up. Waiting didn't work, I'm still wound up. Sorry if this rambles, so much has happened, hard to write coherently. Things have gone to hell. I really, truly did not think anything like this would happen. Short version: My brothers in law broke into my vacation home and were arrested. They've been charged with breaking and entering, destruction of property and communicating threats, all Class 1 misdemeanors. I've refused to drop the charges. I might do so if I'm fully paid for the damage they caused. They were still in jail as of Saturday evening, I assume they're out by now. Things had settled down, at least I thought so. Haven't seen or heard from my sisters in over six weeks. My parents went up to the house for a week and had a good time. David - the property manager I hired - has worked out great, he's done a couple of repairs I asked him to do and I've given him a list that he's going to work on. He usually sends a photo or two of wildlife or a sunset to his clients every week, was kind of making me want to get up there. Friday after Thanksgiving my BILs went to my vacation home. They used an angle grinder to cut through the chain on the driveway gate and damaged the gate in the process. They tried to get in through the front door, ruined the lockset and gouged the door badly. They finally got in through the utility floor door and a locked internal door. They also broke into the barn, I'm not sure why. When they went out through the front door where they were met by sheriff's deputies and David. David gets notifications from the camera system when there's activity, he saw what was going on and called the sheriff's department. According to David the BILs tried to bullshit their way out of it but the deputies didn't buy it. Breaking into an empty house is a pretty serious thing up there, usually it's meth heads who ransack the place and hock everything. When the BILs were arrested they freaked out big time, were saying how they were going to beat the hell out of me, etc... Not smart to do in front of cops. David and the sheriff's office tried calling my wife and me to see what we wanted to do but we were spending the day with her parents and had left our phones in the car so we could be in vacation mode. So they booked the BILs on everything, which is what I would have asked them to do anyway. BIL's called their wives from jail who of course freaked out; they called my folks, tried to call me (they're blocked), tried to find a lawyer up there to arrange bail (not easy to do given that it's a rural area and was a holiday weekend). Older sister has zero cash and her cards are maxxed out so if they made bail my middle sister would have had to pay for both husbands. I know they were still in jail as of Saturday afternoon. We didn't check our phones until late Friday on the way home from the in laws. There were a ton of calls and messages from my mom, dad, David and the sheriff's department. Talk about ruining a great day, I was in such a good mood til I looked at my phone. My wife read through the texts and listened the messages, read them out to me and by the time we got home I had some idea of what was going on. I put my brain back into thinking mode, tried to get past my anger, failed. Called David and got the rundown on what had happened and how bad the damage was, resulting in more anger. I ended Friday by calling the sheriff's department and telling them there was no misunderstanding, the BILs had absolutely no right to be on my property and I wanted to press charges. I didn't call my folks back. Barely slept. I waited until Saturday afternoon to call my folks. They were both pretty rattled about it all, my mom in particular. My sisters had browbeat them into telling me I should tell the cops it was all a mistake and that I wanted the charges dropped. I refused flat out, told them there was no way I'd do that until I spoke with an attorney and also not until I was paid in full for whatever it will cost to fix everything 100%. My mom was crying hard by the time we got off the phone which of course made me feel like shit. My dad suggested it was time for a complete start over but also said he thought they needed to pay for the damage. I haven't gone up to the property yet. There's nothing I can do and I'll probably go nuts when I see the damage in person, the photos are bad enough. I'm hoping to tomorrow or Wednesday but my job isn't one I can just wander off from for non-emergencies. I've left messages with two attorney friends asking them to recommend the right lawyer(s) to go after my sisters and BILs. I don't know what I can do exactly but I'm hoping to get restraining orders (I have all the texts they've sent me, that might help). I'm strongly considering suing them for the money they made renting the place, I don't care about the cash but it will help make them as miserable as possible. The gloves are definitely off at this point. A couple of side notes: * BILs had no idea I'd hired someone to keep an eye on things or that there are cameras there now. My parents knew but hadn't told them because they knew it would just give my sisters a reason to drama up. There are signs on the property stating it's being monitored with cameras and no trespassing signs though. * My wife has completely had it at this point. I don't blame her, she's been more than patient about it all but she reached her limit and was not shy about letting me know. She told me its up to me how I deal with this but that she thought they all needed to be taught a hard lesson. * Older BIL likely won't face any repercussions at his job over this but middle BIL has a security clearance so he might. I'm hoping that will be motivation for middle BIL to pay for the damages himself immediately. * David (the caretaker) has an interesting background. I knew he was friends with some of the deputies, figured it was because they were all locals. I was wrong, he was a cop in a big city for years, was shot on duty and afterwards decided to quit and move to where his parents had retired. He has some PTSD over it all, his dog is a certified service animal and is usually with him. I know law enforcement people tend to hang together, I guess that's how they became his friend group. * I don't want to see or speak with these Aholes for the rest of my life. I know this is in direct conflict with my overwhelming urge to make their lives as miserable as possible. ***Relevant Comment:*** "A lot of people have said I should have been hard ass about all of this from day one. I've avoided it because it would have stressed out my parents and I hate this kind of drama but f it, they're stressed out now. My wife has pretty much opted out of any more to do with this, doesn't want to hear about it for a while and says it's in my lap. She'll ease off on that but I'm guessing she's not going to get involved from now on other than listening to me blow off steam. Edit: Regarding why they broke in - Conjecture on my part but I think they were planning on using it for family getaways and/or renting it out again. According to David (the property manager) it's deer season through the end of the year. I know the BILs have used it in the past as "base camp" for big group hunting weeks. It sleeps quite a few people so one event with friends could net them thousands of dollars. Again, I'm guessing here but that would explain why they broke into the barn as well, I bought a 6 seater Mule a few years back and they would want use that. I don't think they wanted to trash the place, it means too much to my dad and they both like him a lot." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/comments/189aece/update_6/) **6: December 2, 2023 (5 days later)** December 2, 2023 (Saturday). Didn't think I'd be doing another post this soon but a lot has happened over the past two days. Short version: I think the corner has been turned on this crap. Thursday afternoon I got a courier-delivered envelope at my office. In it was a signed letter from both my brothers-in-law and a cashier's check for $5000. In the letter they made what I have to say was a really sincere apology. Among other things they acknowledged breaking in, acknowledged it was wrong, said the $5000 was to pay for the damage and that they'd pay more if it cost more than that. Also said they'd stay away from the vacation home unless my wife and I specifically invited them. They also asked that I do what could to get the charges dropped as soon as possible because they both could lose their jobs and that they'd agree to a restraining order or whatever else it took for that to happen. There was more as well, all conciliatory, but that's the gist of it. To say this was a shock is an understatement. It was (obviously) a total 180 from their past behavior. I'd already made an appointment with an attorney to see about suing my BILs over the damage and to try to get a restraining order. I called him and told him what I'd just received and he agreed to meet with me at the end of the day instead of next week. Told me not to deposit the check. We met for about two hours. He ended up recommending the wife and I do a "settlement and mutual release agreement" with all four of them (sisters and BILs). He said if we went after them via a lawsuit that we'd almost certainly win but that it could take two years or more, there would be sizeable up front legal fees and that we might never see any money. He also said we could keep the $5000 free and clear even if we didn't let them off the hook. He's drawing up the agreement, it won't be ready until Monday. The agreement will include what's essentially the civil equivalent of a restraining order. I'd already asked my property manager to work up a bid to get the damage repaired. I called him after the meeting and asked that he get me as close an estimate as possible ASAP. Got that Friday, he thinks it will take around $4000 to fix everything. Most of that is for the front door. On Friday my attorney contacted each of the BILs, told them what we were proposing and advised them to get their own lawyers. They both agreed to it. The middle BIL told him they could afford to either pay for the damages or pay for a lawyer but not both and they figured a lawyer wouldn't make any difference given that they really had no defense for what they did. His biggest concern was if the charges could be dropped. From what I can tell they're willing to do anything / sign anything to make this all go away. My attorney also called the DA's office on Friday to discuss dismissing the charges, got the name of the prosecutor and left them a message but has not spoken to them yet. He thinks they'll dismiss the charges because the BILs are paying up and they have no priors, but then again he's not a criminal lawyer. Also said I should be prepared to drive up there Monday or Tuesday and tell the prosecutor in person that I want everything dismissed. He's also advised me to continue to be no contact with sisters and BILs especially for the next six months and that it will be really important to follow the terms of the agreement when it comes to future interactions with them. I'm guessing that the BILs change of heart is due to them having figured out what's at stake for them, what it's going to cost them in legal fees and fines and so on. There's also the (highly unlikely) possibility that they could go to jail for up to 120 days, and as I've mentioned one of them has a security clearance for his job that could be at risk. So this is their Hail Mary pass to keep their normal lives. This isn't a perfect resolution to the situation, but at least it will get me past the legal and financial parts of the shit show that I've been in for the past few months. I doubt I'll ever have a civil relationship with any of them ever again and that's fine. What I want most at this point is to close this off, get on with my life and never speak to any of them again. I'm exhausted from this. Wife feels pretty much the same way. Kind of a side issue but getting the written apology was, weirdly, a huge moment for me. I wasn't expecting that ever but apparently it matters to me quite a bit. The money doesn't feel particularly important at this moment. I'll damn sure take it though. Also I'm pretty certain my middle sister and her husband came up with the money. The cashier's check is from the credit union of the company he works for. Once things are signed I plan to make one more update, probably just an edit to this post. I'm sorry for being so pedantic. Writing these posts has helped clear my head and the feedback has really helped. I truly appreciate everyone's comments, insights, and support. And I really, really hope none of you ever have to go this kind of nonsense. ***Relevant Comment:*** "To be honest when I finally got home Thursday night I cried from relief thinking this might all be over. I'm not going to discuss the settlement with my folks until it's signed by everyone. My sisters / BILs can if they want to but I'm not, it's between me and them." **Final** [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/Scared-Weakness-6250/comments/18czdxf/update_7_final_i_hope/)**: December 7, 2023 (5 days later)** Tuesday morning I met with my attorney went over the agreement. Changed a couple of minor things and he sent it to my sisters and brothers-in-law. It included a requirement that they pay my attorney's fee (about $3000). They weren't happy about that and tried to negotiate it away, but he told them they either accept it as is or there would be no deal at all and we'd proceed with suing them for the money they got from renting out the place, wear and tear from renting it, repair costs from their break in, emotional distress, lost income from having to deal with this, attorney fees and whatever else we could. He also told them I would push hard with the DA's office to prosecute every charge. Short version, they came in and signed. I wasn't there. I'm told it was a pretty tense environment, that the middle BIL appeared to have taken charge and that at one point he told both of my sisters to shut the hell up or he was walking away from the whole thing, making his own deal with us and the rest of them could all go to hell. They provided another cashier's check for $2500, claimed that's all they had. It's close enough that we're going to accept it as the final payment. Attorney also told me that everyone was very cold and curt towards one another, but that they all managed to keep it together long enough to sign and left without making too big of a scene. I drove up to the vacation house early yesterday to check out the damage and meet with the DA's office. Seeing the damage made my blood boil, it was so senseless. I was so pissed that I was ready to eat the cost of repairs and do everything I could to ruin their lives. Tried walking it off, failed utterly. Ended up calling a good friend who was kind enough to stay on the phone for over an hour letting me spew and vent. He eventually got me back to focusing on the bigger picture of putting this behind me and getting on with my life. Honestly I'm still not sure that's what I want to do but I settled down enough to get some food in me and I felt better. After lunch I went he DA's office. Hadn't made an appointment and had to wait a while but got to meet with the assistant DA who's got the case. Short version is that since I don't want to prosecute and the BILs have already paid for the damages that they are willing to drop all the charges except trespassing, which in this case will be a class 2 misdemeanor. The BILs will have to plead guilty and pay whatever fine the judge sets. I'm also told that if they fight the trespassing charge or ever so much as fart in public up there that it would go very poorly for them. It helped that the BILs didn't resist arrest, if they had none of the charges would have been dropped. I also went by the sheriff's office to thank them for getting there so quickly and everything. Wanted to thank the deputies personally but only spoke to the dispatch person. And I tried to meet up with David (the property manager) but couldn't get hold of him. A couple of notes: The agreement includes a no contact clause. Basically if any of them show up where my wife or I are (or the other way around) whoever got there last has to leave immediately. No contact except through attorneys or other "mutually agreed upon third parties". They get to keep whatever they made from renting the vacation house (my big "give") unless I have tax consequences which they will be responsible for. And we release each other from all other liabilities up through the present. There's more to it than that but those are the high points. Wife and I will sign the agreement later today. After that I can't talk about most of this but I can talk around it. I think this is my final update regarding all this nonsense but I'll respond to comments if I can. As I've said before, posting about all of this and reading folks thoughts and responses has been really helpful and has probably been key in my being able to handle this in a relatively healthy way. So thank you all again. ***Relevant Comments:*** "I had a hard time not being vindictive but right now I'm glad I wasn't. If they cause more drama down the road I'll probably regret it but if they follow the agreement that won't happen. The family dynamics are, like you said, pretty much f'd. I've only told my parents that we're trying to work things out, nothing more. They may or may not be OK with the way things will be moving forward but I had to do what was best for my wife and I. I'm guessing that my sisters have told them a very slanted version, that's just one more turd I'll have to swim around. Really the agreement is more a formalization of how things have been for the last few months. I know it's not how my folks wanted things to go but I'm pretty happy with it." *Have your sisters ever shown this level of entitlement before?* "Not really. Not towards me anyway. We used to be OK, never very close but not enemies. Looking back they started to resent me when I bought a loft when I was 25. At that point neither of them owned a home but both had met their future husbands. They definitely didn't like that got a place before they did. It got worse when I met my wife. They didn't like that she was part of a wealthy family especially since I was doing pretty well by then myself. Accused me of being elitist and such. When we got married I moved in with my wife (her condo was close to where she was doing her fellowship) and I sold the loft. Our wedding was fancy but reasonable but the sisters were definitely envious about it. After that they and their husbands got pretty petty and we started minimizing our involvement with them. The profit from selling the loft, being frugal and not having a house payment are what enabled me to buy the vacation home for my parents. My folks were OK with hiding the fact that I owned it instead of them because they knew my sisters would be bitchy about it and say that I was using my wife's money. I didn't, most of our finances are separate, though it definitely helped that I didn't have a house payment. Up until this crap started I actually thought we were OK in the general sense. Our daily lives were / are very different and I can't pretend I enjoy being around them for more than half a day but I didn't think they hated me. I did know that both sisters had become pretty spoiled / entitled but it wasn't my concern. And I didn't have any real conflicts with my brothers in law either, just almost nothing in common with them.I guess that's a long winded way of saying I didn't know they were all such assholes." *One last thought:* "My small fantasy at this point is that I never hear from them again." **Editor's note:** OOP includes some more specifics about the contract and answers some questions on his final post. Those comments were too long to include here, but if you have questions or are interested, feel free to check out the link (just no brigading!)

Final updates! AITA for jumping out of the way when my niece and nephew tried to push me into a pool, resulting in them falling in?

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18i2otu/final_updates_aita_for_jumping_out_of_the_way/

18igufe

**I am not the Original Original Poster (OOP)** OOP is u/turbomaxshootem. Posted in r/relationshipadvice **Trigger Warnings:** >!Mention of abuse, death by accident, survivors guilt!< **Mood Spoilers:** >!Hopeful!< **Original [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/t9hBQ2xYiZ) - April 19th, 2019** #My [34M] wife [28F] wants to name our baby after her dead ex-boyfriend When my wife and I met, she had broken up with her boyfriend almost a year prior. We went on a couple of dates until I noticed she slowly stopped talking to me. I found out she had gotten back with her boyfriend. We remained friendly since we would run into each other at the gym (that's how we met). A year later, they break up. I decided to go for it again and asked her out. She was pretty upfront about him and I learned that they have been off-and-on for almost four years. She left him because he started to get abusive. We get married a little over a year later. A few months later, she gets pregnant. Last week, I was sitting in the kitchen studying until I heard my wife yell out, crying. I ran over to her to ask her what was wrong. She had difficulty speaking, but, she eventually showed me a post on facebook that a mutual friend between her and her ex had posted. Her ex had gotten into a motorcycle accident and had died. My wife was/is an avid motorcyclist who stopped riding once she got pregnant. She knew how passionate he was about motorcycle riding just as much as her and how tragic it is. I console my wife and help her get to bed, letting her know that I'm here for her. I didn't think much about the whole thing until my wife told me last night that she wants to name our baby after him. I hesitated for a bit and told her that I feel uncomfortable with it. For one, it's her ex. Second, he was abusive. Why would she want to honor someone like that? My wife got pretty upset and just wouldn't hear me out on my reasons. She won't talk to me at all. Am I really in the wrong here? I'm just thinking that my wife is extremely emotional at the moment since she's pregnant and trying to process he ex's death. Any advice? TLDR: My wife's abusive ex-boyfriend died and she wants to name our baby after him. I don't. Now, she's mad at me. **Relevant comments:** u/FroggyMcnasty:- >Okay I'll be the asshole here. >Is the kid yours? She's left you for him before, you got married really quickly, and she got pregnant shortly after. It doesn't exactly sound like she was over him given her response and wanting to name the kid after him. >On the not asshole side. >You are absolutely correct in not wanting to have your child named after her ex, that's an incredibly disturbing thing to have to explain, which shouldn't even be an issue in the first place. I really hope she's just being in a heightened emotional state because that is very disrespectful to you and the marriage. OOP:- >Yes, the kid is mine. >When we started dating again, her ex moved back home to another state. We moved closer to our families too, right before we got married. **Update [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/DURTwk3grg) - April 22nd, 2019** #UPDATE: My [34M] wife [28F] wants to name our baby after her dead ex-boyfriend [Original post](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/bev4g9/my_34m_wife_28f_wants_to_name_our_baby_after_her/) Hi all! Wow - so, this post got a lot more traction than I expected. First of all, I want to thank all of you for your advices and showing your concerns not just for myself, but, for my wife. It means a lot. Now, onto the update. For Easter, we already had plans with her family to go to church and then have a BBQ at her sister’s. Not wanting her family to see any tension, I saw this as a chance for her to HAVE to speak to me. As we’re getting ready for church, I tell her that we need to talk about everything now. She agreed and sat down with me. I did tell her that there is absolutely no way we’re naming our baby after her ex (or, any of our kids, if we have even more). She agreed and apologized for acting irrational. Also, I know a lot of you suggested that I get a paternity test. I know that I’m 100% the father. I didn’t want anyone to get my anxiety up since, while it may seem rational, jumping into an extreme conclusion and making things worse. I thought it out, but, I still did ask if she was still in love with her ex and is she did cheat. She adamantly said no. She had already stopped loving him, even before they broke up. She tried to make the relationship work, but, she just wasn’t in love with him anymore. She described him as not being a good person at all. She apologized for making me feel that way. I told her that I understand she’s going through a lot of emotions right now and being pregnant doesn’t help at all. But, I had to ask on why she would want to name our baby after him, even after all she has told me. She started to get choked up and was shaking. I told her that she could tell me. She confessed that when her and her ex broke up, the last thing she told him was that she wished he would fall off his bike and die. Also, the bike that he died riding on was a bike that she strongly suggested that he buy, even though it wasn’t his first choice. She also talked about how accidentally getting pregnant and her ex suddenly dying is a lot for her to handle. She wasn’t expecting to be a mom so soon and her life is about to change when she really didn’t want it too. She talked about how she thought we’d travel and that she’d continue racing her motorcycle. Now, she’s not even sure if she’d be able to ride again. She actually thought she might be able to ride again once she had the baby, but, her ex’s death reminded her how much of a risk it is. She doesn’t want to risk her life when she has a family. She feels gutted. Regardless, she kept stressing out to me on how she wouldn’t change a thing about her life now and that she’s happy to be married to me and is going to be a mom. We’re the best things that has ever happened to her. Anxiety also runs in my wife’s family. My wife gets intrusive thoughts about how her ex died too. It’s so bad that she has a hard time sleeping sometimes. After discussing things, she decided that she’ll be going into therapy. She has her first appointment this week. TLDR: Wife feels guilty about ex’s death after persuading him to buy the motorcycle that he died on and telling him she wished that he’d fall off his bike and die. She keeps thinking about how he died. Wife also said that she’s happy to be married and is going to be a mom, but, there’s a lot going on and it’s a lot. She’s sad that she probably can’t ride motorcycles anymore. Wife will go into therapy this week. **Again, I am not OOP**

My [34M] wife [28F] wants to name our baby after her dead ex-boyfriend

CONCLUDED

TheDarkySupreme

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18igufe/my_34m_wife_28f_wants_to_name_our_baby_after_her/

18isawd

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Turbulent_Context944 **AITA for wanting to be intimate with my wife?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/q6hBMuxi6H) **Nov 2, 2023** I (m28) dated my wife let’s call her Rina (f26) for 3 years before we got married and during that time, she made it known that she would like to remain a virgin until our marriage. We both met in a religious event and are both church-going and religious, so this was not a problem. She is an overall wonderful person, the most caring, loving and sweetest wife I could ever have and not to mention beautiful as well. She takes care of me and even took some time off to care for my mother when she was in the hospital due to a car accident and has no problem with babysitting my sister’s kids (5,7) who love her very much. Everyone tells me how lucky I am and I feel the same. We have been married for 4 months now and live together in my apartment. Her grandma had been sick for years and her dying wish was to see Rina get married before she passes. Rina is the only girl among 8 cousins so she was very special and close to her grandparents. Knowing this, I proposed to her as her whole family and mine have basically become one and it was a no brainer at that point. We got married in the courthouse within a week after knowing about the prognosis. We went straight to the hospital and had a small party there with her since she had a private room and the hospital staff allowed it. Sadly, she passed about 17 days later. Later that night after getting to the hotel from the wedding, she tells me that she thinks we should wait until we marry in church because she considers this marriage legal but not anointed by God and is not right. We cuddle, kiss but then when it gets heated, she stops me midway and tells me the time will come and we will enjoy it. Our families are planning a big Church Wedding for us in April when we will be “fully yoked” but I don’t know how I could wait that long. It is terribly uncomfortable cuddling in bed with her and wanting to make love with her knowing I can’t. She moved in with me in my 1 bedroom apartment a month after our marriage so it’s been 3 months now of cohabiting temporarily before we move to a bigger place. I feel we are in every way a married couple. Not newlyweds but more like an old couple because of a lacking in the intimacy department. We do groceries together, clean, cook, take care of each other except THAT. She says she believes our first time will be special since we will have it during our honeymoon in Spain right after the wedding. (We have both been a big fan of Spain) Anyway, the other night we were watching a movie and started kissing that gradually ended up getting more heated. She stops me after some time and we had an argument because yes, I know I was wrong and didn’t control myself well. I guess I should’ve asked what marriage and sex really meant to her before proposing instead of assuming but I also think I’m being deprived of something so important in a relationship. She didn’t speak to me for 2 days and just a while ago we had an honest conversation and have decided that she should move back to her parents until our actual church wedding in April. We originally thought living together since we were legally married would be a good start at knowing each other but I guess this is for the best. I still have this nagging feeling in my head. AITA for wanting intimacy with my wife? Also, I never once forced myself on her, everything we do is consensual and I always stop as soon as she says NO because I respect her. I guess I’m just frustrated most of all and I wanna know if I’m an asshole for feeling this way. Edit: Originally posted on r/AmItheAsshole but it got removed. Edit 2: Thanks everyone for your feedback. I was reading everything and appreciate your points. I do want to point out that we are not getting divorced or annulled and I know I have no right to force her into anything. I just want to let out how I feel. Also like I mentioned in the comments, we would like a larger wedding although it takes longer to plan since her and my relatives are available in April and have already taken PTO. I will wait for her of course and I value her virtues and how strong she is with her principles. We didn’t talk about sex before the courthouse wedding I guess because we both had differing assumptions on the relationship and despite her wanting the church wedding before we moved in, she offered to move in as a compromise since she knows what she’s asking is also not easy. I don’t think another small gathering is necessary because at this point, it will all be just for show and takes away the uniqueness of the church wedding and the feelings involved if we had too many wedding related events. I want her to feel special on that day because she is and to feel like how a bride does on that one special day. Legally though, she has started using my surname because she acknowledges we are married but that our church wedding will wed us in all ways. We had the courthouse wedding but didn’t invite our minister because as I mentioned, we want the Church Wedding to be our big and special day only. What I meant by not controlling myself is my frustration, not necessarily my desires to take it further. Also, her parents have never told us we had to wait or our church. They consider us married already. I guess for my wife and it’s more of the symbolism of marrying in church and for the honeymoon to be in every sense of the word. Having sex and then going on a honeymoon defeats the purpose and I also think it would be great to do it then. We fly to Spain the next day after the wedding and don’t think we would even have the energy for anything the night of the Church wedding. She is not asexual as well to clear things up. I know everyone doesn’t believe in abstinence or applying bible principles in life and I understand that but I request to please respect ours. Right now, she will be staying with her parents but we are planning on talking more to a counselor as well as our minister if we could change any arrangements if needed about our thoughts on sex and our unique circumstance. Thanks! &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Commentator asks OOP if he has discussed sex after marriage due to his wife’s beliefs** >**OP:** Yes she is very honest and is actually very curious about sex and even talks about how this is a very spiritual connection. But she really would like us to be wed in the church and have our marriage be blessed. &nbsp; [Update – recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17urfmg/aita_for_wanting_to_be_intimate_with_my_wife/) **Nov 13, 2023** It’s been a while since I posted about my situation with my wife and just want to give a little update. I talked to Rina the day after I posted it and talked about what exactly is holding her back and if she has any concerns, she could open up to me and talk about it like a married couple. If she even considered us one. She told me she had seen the post and had actually read a lot of the comments you guys posted and realized it stems from her feeling everything was so rushed and it was not how she expected to get married in her head and what comes after that. She wanted to make her Nana happy but at my expense. It dawned on her after our small party in the hospital how she didn’t feel ready for it because she didn’t “feel married”, thus letting me know later on that she wanted to wait. She has apologized about how she handled things and thanked me for being patient. I have done the same and we have been talking everyday although she still lives with her parents. We changed our plans altogether and have decided to do an elopement and be married in Rome. We contacted a relative we have living there who set everything up from the venue, photographer and the minister. We decided on a little ceremony by the lake with just us, the minister, our relative and the photographer. We are leaving in a week and are very excited about it. And since we will be there, we’ll have our honeymoon in Spain right after as planned since it’s only a few hours away. The April wedding will still push through for family and friends as more of a vow renewal/reception. We have informed them about it and they understand how our case has been very unique and are very happy and supportive regardless. Our elopement is simply a ceremony for the both of us not thinking about other people for once. We are already looking at a bigger apartment for us when we return from the trip so Rina could have her own working studio as my apartment is too small. Will be updating if we can after the trip as your input has really put things in perspective. Thanks for everything and it really did help us look deeper into the foundation of our principles and priorities. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for wanting to be intimate with my wife?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18isawd/aita_for_wanting_to_be_intimate_with_my_wife/

18isbex

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/sopranosfan76 **Originally posted to** r/AmItheAsshole and her own page **AITA for saying my brother is not in a position to tell me what to bring for Thanksgiving?** --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17oojlw/aita_for_saying_my_brother_is_not_in_a_position/?share_id=9LGEy1KP8lmfLQI0wVayx&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 5, 2023** I (28F) am going to my brothers (44M) home in a different state for thanksgiving He texted me to ask if I would like to be assigned a potluck item. I texted back and said I can get two free pies from an event the day before thanksgiving and will bring them. He said no, I called since I was driving. He said he didn’t want old pies that have been transported, and I should pick up what he tells me to pick up in his city on thanksgiving. I am currently broke. I had a baby 3 months ago and just started a new job this week. The free pies are easiest for me. My brother also owes me a significant sum of money. He is a big spender, lives in a huge home, and just went on an expensive retreat. He yelled at me on the phone and said the way I spoke to him was disrespectful TLDR: brother misinterpreted what I said and yelled at me. I’m very hurt. He thinks I was out of line. I may be the asshole because of the words I picked. On the phone I said “you aren’t in a position to be picky” **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **theassholethrowawa:** Info: What did you mean he's not in the position to be picky? I feel there's more to that line >**OP:** He is not in a position to turn down free food. He owes me a lot of money and is having serious financial problems **Brilliant-Arthur:** I'd be asking him to deposit the money he owes you ASAP so you can afford to buy something else. And take those pies with you. I bet they'd be the first to be eaten. I'm the first to eat free food. >**OP:** He can’t afford to pay me back for at least another 3 months. **SheiB123:** NTA. I would tell him I am bringing the pies unless you pay me back all you owe me. If he gets crappy, don't go. Find some friends to spend the day with... >**OP:** I will get paid from my new job and can probably afford to bring more stuff when it gets closer to Thanksgiving. I’m hurt by the way he reacted. I am very tight on money and I have to travel for work next week so I am trying to raise money for my trip. He and a few other people owe me money so I’m mad at him because I wouldn’t be financially struggling if he paid me back &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/sopranosfan76/comments/17ppg1p/update_aita_thanksgiving_pie_argument_with_brother/?share_id=XZdOBlOtP6wJt5jT9z7dw&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 7, 2023** AITA (28F) for telling my brother that he’s not in a position to be picky about thanksgiving pies? Link to original https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/vA8pNE8C4h The pie situation is resolved, and since so many people asked I will update you guys. I sent my brother a link to the post. I also texted that money is so tight that I may not be able to come for thanksgiving: “You are being erratic because you’re stressed about (upcoming court appearance). I am not going to be treated like this by people I’m helping. Depending on what sales meetings I have in (city) that week I may have to skip thanksgiving all together because I have so much work. I have flights booked but it makes more sense to get them refunded so I can spend money in (work trip city) next week.” He did not reply. About an hour later my sister in law texted me to apologize. She said they will take care of the food and we don't need to bring anything at all. I didn't expect the post to be so popular, so here is some context so the situation makes more sense. My brother "Ryan" and his wife "Monica" own a business. My husband "Kyle" is in the same industry. I made a referral to my brothers business to my husbands business partner. I am owed a finders fee from Ryan and Monica. Ryan and Monica have made multiple mistakes that Kyle spent money to fix on a project they are currently doing together. My mom lives about 45 minutes from Ryan and I called her to explain the situation. She said she will bring anything Ryan needs. Ryan is a foodie. He was opposed to my free pies because he knows where they’re from- it’s an annual giveaway that’s well known in my city than a lower end restaurant does for thanksgiving (think like Marie Callender’s) He didn’t want to eat “shitty” pie. Ryan has always been an entrepreneur but due to some issue he is not making nearly as much money as he was pre-pandemic. He needs to get a 9-5 job because he does not like working evenings and weekends. He has a college degree and a lot of experience. Once he finds a job he can begin making payments. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Roguegyal:** Wow so your brother never picked up the phone to apologize? All your SIL?? What he said to you over the phone was extremely out of line. I’d address it or at least not let him off the hook >**OP:** He hasn’t mentioned anything about it. I think he’s embarrassed. I have been helping him look for work and I think he’s a bit embarrassed that his (16 years younger) sister has her shit together and he doesn’t. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for saying my brother is not in a position to tell me what to bring for Thanksgiving?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18isbex/aita_for_saying_my_brother_is_not_in_a_position/

18isbfc

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/serebro0710 **Help me solve a family mystery!** **Originally posted to** r/Finland **Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Finland/s/o8V2aQFpeg)  **Oct 31, 2018** Hi friends! I have a bizarre story so settle in. I’m a Russian living in America. Recently my mother has revealed that people I had thought I was related to all my life are actually not our relatives at all. She says that her father was a Swedish Finn who went to some kind of Festival in Soviet Union (probably in Moscow) in 1965, met her mother, my grandmother, and the result was my mother. Apparently they did not keep in touch. She says that she has looked up the family and believes it to be true but has decided not to contact them and would prefer I not contact them either. She will not tell me her father’s name, but has given me the following information: he has a Latin surname that is very memorable, his family is Swedish-Finns, intellectuals for many generations, and he is alive with grandchildren. She also says that she has a nephew named Juha, he is from Tampere, and in 2012 was touring Turku as the front man of a rock group. Now I’m not sure what I would do with any information I find. I don’t want to go against her wishes, but I want to at least see photos or have some knowledge of my potential family. She has also told me that my great-grandmother (this time no blood relative) was a Finnish orphan whose family had supported the Reds and were massacred by the whites. Apparently there were groups of Finnish orphans sent to be fostered by Russian peasants in the Soviet Union. Does anyone know any more concrete facts on this? Again, she suspects it was after the battle of Tampere. Please help and thank you! [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/Finland/s/4OgmwlPuAB)  **Aug 13, 2019** A lot of you had been really helpful when I posted here last year about my Russian mother claiming to have a Finnish father but refusing to give me any real details, instead just sharing weird clues like her possible nephew is in a band from Tampere and her father has a Latin surname. In any case, I did a 23andMe test which showed I was 96%Russian, and maybe 3.5% Finnish, which I think closes that possibility pretty resolutely. I confronted my mother with this, and she reacted BADLY, basically saying “I never said any of this is 100% and anyway the science is flawed.” She then went on to tell me that contrary to her prior claims, she has actually spoken with these alleged relatives, and they want nothing to do with me. She closed her email by taunting me that if I want to find them I’m welcome to—there are 300,000 Swedish Finns, so basically I can go fuck myself. Anyway. Hopefully this update was interesting. I’m furious and sharing with the internet makes me feel better. Thanks! **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Sepelrasras** >Sad to hear your mother is being so difficult about it. Hope she will change her mind about telling you. **OOP** >>I doubt she will. >>A part of me is like “Finland doesn’t even deserve her!!” **One last comment from OOP** >Also, like...if you guys want to adopt me as an honorary/maybe Finn, I’m cool with that too.  >Otherwise I’ll just remain over here as the Russian who had that great experience with the super helpful  and empathetic Finns. :) **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Help me solve a family mystery!

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18isbfc/help_me_solve_a_family_mystery/

18isd4j

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/3004s **AITA for being upset my wife will miss our first anniversary for a bachelorette party?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **Thanks to u/toketsupuurin for help on the relevant comments** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!verbal and emotional abuse, controlling behavior!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/OBwJDyPKJE) **Nov 12, 2023** The woman my wife is missing our anniversary for hates me because I drove a wedge in their friendship since my wife obviously spends a large chunk of her time with me. I also see through her bullying bullshit and do not have patience for her. Any time my wife tries to include this friend in our plans, the friend whines about nearly everything. Yesterday she was “car sick” when we had to drive an hour and a half to and from the place we went as she sat in the back. She tried to solve the problem by eating potato chips and 2 cans of soda, only to keep complaining she felt sick. She was clearly hinting I should have been the one sitting in the back, but I’m recovering from an injury and the extra room in the passenger seat is helpful. She made very obnoxious digs into my home country and background to the point where I almost took the train home leaving my wife with her friends. Living in a new country has already been exhausting, having to hear things like that from my wife’s friend wasn’t pleasant. My wife didn’t stand up for me against the friend which hurt my feelings. We spoke at length last night and today about it, agreeing I would never go out with this friend again. My wife also said it was only a matter of time before the with friendship ended because she couldn’t deal with the negativity and self centered attitude anymore. Onto the problem, April 17 is our first anniversary. My wife is the maid of honor at her wedding and got to choose when the bachelorette party is. She chose the week of our first anniversary, meaning we would be flying home from my home country (to a very private getaway) I had planned on our anniversary and my wife would leave me that night to go to this bachelorette weekend. I’m upset because my wife knew when our anniversary was, she knows this friend doesn’t like me at all, and the friend has made digs and comments about my wife getting married before her. I understand my wife is between a rock and a hard place, but I’m tired of having to be understanding at the expense of my feelings over the friend. Edit: I don’t know why everyone is dragging my wife. I have said several times this woman is a bully. Have you never had a friend who is clearly friends with a bully? It’s a hard place to be in, especially when the bully has been their friend for nearly 20 years. I have seen my wife interact with this friend and be mentally drained continuously now. It’s a toxic relationship and those aren’t things that are easy to get out of. I have been in a fair few myself so it is not as simple as “she needs to block her”. Edit 2: I just had a very long discussion with my wife and explained my feelings. She is ending the friendship with the woman after the other woman in the cars birthday party in a week so there isn’t a fallout. She said her own anxiety about the situation was clouding her judgement and making me feel how I did isn’t what she wants at all. I’m an action speaks louder than words sort of person, so we’ll see what happens, but she was heartbroken and worried I was going to start the conversation with a divorce. **RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP** **ON WHY THEY REMAINED FRIENDS** **OOP** >I don’t either. The woman’s other friends wised up and dropped her. My wife and this other woman who I know will drop her as soon as my wife does got sucked in because she had a crappy home life. So did I, I’m not an asshole though and adjusted just fine. * >I wouldn’t jump the gun that the friend will destroy our marriage. My wife has already said it’s me 1,000,000 times over the friend. >As I said, the friend is a bully. She has made my wife break down crying because I was too sick to have dinner with the friend when I first moved into the country. I went to the hospital and the woman was giving my wife shit because she didn’t get her chance to see me before everyone else. **ON WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT, THE WEDDING OR THE ANNIVERSARY** >We spoke today that she prioritizes our relationship well over the one of her and her friend. She doesn’t want to rock the boat though * >She would 100% say our anniversary, I know this already. But as I said, the friend is a bully and steamrolls people and their feelings. The other friend in the car tried to cut off that friend and the soon to be bride refused to let her end the friendship. She essentially wore her down until the woman complied. * > As you’ll see in the second edit, I spoke with my wife for nearly 2 hours. She is afraid of the fallout she’ll receive from the mutual friends. When I pointed out the mutual friends are likely friends with this person because of her, it was like a lightbulb went off. > She’ll be ending their friendship as soon as this birthday party for that other woman in the OP is over. They were all best friends for the last 20 years and my wife doesn’t want to make things awkward for that friend. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/vGkoXzIiAh) **Dec 8, 2023** There were many discussions and disagreements leading up to her ending the friendship. Things would grate at me that my wife was still going along with the friendship for the sake of her other friend in their friendship triangle’s birthday party. Every day it was like I was more annoyed because she still hadn’t even defended me to the friend and it was showing she cared less about me and how I felt in her country when she knows how much I miss mine. She knew she needed to end it anyway and said losing our relationship wasn’t an option. After a bit of prying, it was clear how psychotic she thinks her friend is. My wife believes her friend will key her car, show up to the house and cause problems, drag all the other friends involved into it. It all came to a head when I told her I was not returning to her country from mine (we’re back in mine for a Christmas thing with my family) if the friendship was still intact. She ended the friendship two days later after the friend called me racist towards the very large white (85%+) majority of her country. I am white. As expected, the friend has started to go off the rails. So far it’s been excessive phone calls, texts, the friend tried to text me and apologize for her comments to salvage anything with my wife but I had changed my number a week prior. The apology was something along the lines of “sorry if what I said hurt your feelings, but your words hurt mine.” What I said had just pointed out my frustration with lived experiences from the new country every day. Friendship is over, wife is worried ex-friend will key her car. She is genuinely fearful of this ex-friend. We will be installing another camera as soon as we get home that only points to her car. I doubt this is the last update. And we actually booked a vacation for our first year anniversary. TL:DR My wife ended the friendship with her friend and pulled out of all future events with her. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for being upset my wife will miss our first anniversary for a bachelorette party?

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18isd4j/aita_for_being_upset_my_wife_will_miss_our_first/

18isd6s

**I am still not the Original Poster. That is** [u/Whofuckingknows2](https://new.reddit.com/u/Whofuckingknows2/). She posted in [r/AmItheAsshole](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/), her own profile and [r/TrueOffMyChest](https://new.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/). My two previous BORU posts are [here](https://new.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1432oy7/new_updates_aita_for_calling_my_mil_on_my_fianc%C3%A9/) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/125co5g/aita_for_calling_my_mil_on_my_fianc%C3%A9/). **The start of the new update is marked with \*\*\*\*** **Trigger Warning:** >!Verbal/emotional abuse that escalates; drug addiction; late miscarriage!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!OOP is going to be ok!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11j7rob/aita_for_calling_my_mil_on_my_fianc%C3%A9/)**: March 5, 2023** My fiancé (m22) was injured over a month ago and had surgery to correct things literally two days after the accident. I (21f) have been my his side the entire time. I have more or less become his caregiver. In the last month I have taken over the role of keeping our house together. I cook all the meals. I take care of the pets. I stay up all night to tend to his endless needs. I take him to the bathroom. I have been working remote. I haven’t left the house for more than an hour since the accident (aside from taking him to and from appointments). I am not saying this to complain, I am grateful that my life allows for me to support him the way I have. My problem is his attitude. He was given very strong pain killers for the first two weeks after surgery. He had to extend his time on them and recently stopped taking them in the last week. When he was taking them, he thanked me, told me how much he loved me, apologized at every step, though he didn’t need to. Without the meds he doesn’t seem to see that I am helping him. Every dish I bring him is the wrong one, he will yell for me and when I come he will tell me to “fuck off” if he’s in pain he expects me to fix it. I am exhausted. I can’t do anything right and it is wearing on me. I haven’t slept in weeks. I haven’t seen a friend or family member in way too long. I can’t even be on the phone for more than 10 minutes without it being an issue. After days of what turned into verbal abuse, I called my MIL. I told her everything as soon as I saw he was asleep. I cried for about 15 minutes. I felt terrible unloading on her like that, but I had so much built up frustration I just couldn’t stop. She was very supportive on the phone, let me know I wasn’t wrong to feel like that., and let me cry. After hearing everything she was furious and ended our call to talk to her son. She tore him an new asshole. I heard him trying to defend himself through the door but it was mostly just stammering. She flew up yesterday and put me up in a nice hotel. I haven’t heard much from my fiancé since I left but as I was leaving he was yelling at me for calling his mom, he said he didn’t want to marry someone who couldn’t be there for him in sickness. I told him I loved him and I was sorry, I am just so tired. He didn’t care and just told me to go, and his mom could do a better job for him then I ever could. So now I’m in my way too nice hotel room, feeling like a major AH. I need to know if I am wrong here.Edit- He began weaning off two weeks ago and became fully dependent on over the counter medication this week. He did not stop taking them cold turkey. His doctors were heavily involved too, due to previous drug abuse. **Edit 2- March 6, 2023 (Next Day)** MIL is taking him back to they’re hometown once they can get flights together. I’ll stay in this hotel until then. Fiancé doesn’t want to talk yet and tbh I don’t blame him, he knows what’s coming and that I am pissed. I’ll go visit him in a week so I have until then to decide how I want to move forward. My mother called last night about a venue she found in my hometown and I told her what’s going on, she doesn’t want to spend a bunch of money on a “pending divorce” so we are stepping back from planning. Not much more to add, I’m excited to see my pets and be able to sleep in my own bed. I’m going to try to make my sister fly to my state so I can have some company. That’s pretty much it. I’m in serious awe about how I let my life get like this, but oh well. Today will be better. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Is it withdrawal?* "He behaves like this frequently when in pain, just never to this degree. I can promise you that he had been weaned off and would tell me if that’s what he was feeling. I have seen him go through much worse withdrawals when we first met and this isn’t that. He is lashing out on me in pain, which I get. I was the only person around." "He has a history of drug abuse, I took administration of the pills very seriously. Due to his history we worked very closely with his psychiatric team and the orthopedic to make his weaning period as easy as possible. I should have put that in the post but he did not stop cold turkey."*Is this abnormal behavior?*"He has what some would call a short fuse. Especially with me. Him saying hurtful remarks to me or just blatantly putting me down is not necessarily uncommon and is something we are working on. Prior to this he would apologize and make it up to me, now even when I’m in tears he will just keep laying on insults." *OOP has thoughts later that day:* "Being away and able to process the last month of my life has been eye opening. I couldn’t imagine trying to care for a child under conditions like that. I couldn’t imagine how frustrated I would be. HIs injury is in his arm, he can walk, he can use his left (dominant) hand. I understand that he is in pain and its awful but I have had a friend with much worse injuries help us move! I’m thinking about returning my ring." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update in comments (Same Post): March 13, 2023 (8 days later)** "I’ve returned. My last night in the hotel I called my parents to make a plan and it didn’t go well. I’m home with my fiancé again. He wont talk to me except to bark orders at me. I’m hoping I can move out within a month or two. Surgery and recovery are expensive and we have been living on my income for some time and I’m pretty broke but I’m keeping my head up and I’m confident I can get myself out." *Why didn't he go with his mom?* "I know she pushed for him to go home but he is a very stubborn boy. Thank you, I will be okay." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Whofuckingknows2/comments/11yx1ya/update_aita_for_calling_my_mil_on_my_fianc%C3%A9/)**: March 22, 2023 (17 days from OG post)** Updates on AITA seem like a process so I’ll just post here. I went home two days after posting. Things were sad. My mil had cleaned but the energy in the house was a bummer. The first thing he said to me when I got back was “I’m glad you’re back, can you make me a snack?” There was no apology, no accountability, just a task. He only talked to me when he needed something. His attitude was worsening. My mil took the rest of he prescribed opiates so I knew he wasn’t using. The weekend following the MIL debacle my wonderful Fiancé told me he had friends coming to stay for the weekend. 2 hour heads up. Didn’t ask. I sighed and made up the guest room. His friend and friends girlfriend came to stay. During the stay my fiancé bought me flowers, got out of bed daily, took me out, and let me call my parents unsupervised. The day they left he was back to bed with a shitty attitude. I wish I could say I am in my own apartment with my pets and a bottle of rosé that’s just for me. Or with my girlfriends that I haven’t seen in months. Unfortunately I’m writing this on the couch while I listen to the music that are his endless demands. However I do have a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m scared to leave him in person but he’s leaving the country for a month in April. My sister lives abroad and I’m working on getting to her during that month. It’s a process especially with pets. I look forward to getting there. My mother hasn’t spoken to me since I told her I was returning the ring because “That’s not we do, we clean our messes.” But I have my fathers unwavering support. I’ll miss my MIL but I deserve that kindness and understanding from my partner, not his mother. I have stopped forcing myself to find the joy in his presence and its helping to fuel my drive to get out of here. I may update again when I get to my sister but don’t be surprised if I do my best to put this chapter behind me. Thanks for the kind words. I hope you all get the love and hugs you need. **Update in a comment on my OG BORU post:** *Why isn't he with his mom?* "MIL was planning on taking him, he refused. Things got very bad since I posted this. Im currently in my childhood room at my fathers (decently hungover) and I am officially a single lady." **OOP then added a few new comments to her latest post in regards to questions:** *About "calling her parents unsupervised":* "I called my sister once when I was scared of him awhile back. She called the police. He liked to be in the room when I was talking to family following that incident so I didn’t say anything “dramatic”. I should have seen how bad it was. Typing that out just feels gross." *More about what happened:* "I don’t want to get too into it but we had a bad night. It ended with me locked on the balcony. I still have some bruising. I was able to call my father on my watch and we made a plan to get me home the next morning" *Are you and your pets safe?* "Yep. Im with my dad now." "They are. They aren’t in my arms yet but I should get them back in the next week." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Whofuckingknows2/comments/12m5f15/final_update/) **2: April 14, 2023 (5 weeks from OG post, 3 from last)** It’s been some time and I finally feel comfortable enough with my situation to update y’all. My pets and I are safely with my father. We’ve been here a couple weeks and things are going well. I’m working remote but also searching for a new position closer to my hometown so I can still have a social life. My animals are adapting to life without their dad, and I’m doing my best to join them. My ex and I were high school sweethearts. I have been through most major life event with him. There is only a small fraction of my life as an adult that I have been through without him. Leaving was really hard. I am still second guessing myself. But I realized recently that by not enabling his shitty behavior I really am helping him. He went on his planned trip and I took that opportunity to get everything I needed from our shared home and made arrangements going forward for my lease. He took his trip as an opportunity to reflect on his behavior within our relationship, specifically the last year. He is pretty disappointed in himself. It seems that the company he was on vacation with helped to hold a pretty clear mirror to his face and he was really unhappy with what he saw. I feel bad he’s really having a hard time with this self awareness but I do really appreciate the accountability that has been accompanied. I’d like to add that I don’t hold any resentment towards him. I am hurt and disappointed in the way he felt he could treat me, but I don’t hate him. I was sad to hear how upset he was with himself, though a little relieved I wasn’t being painted as the “crazy ex” I was sure he would paint me as. Since getting home he has started therapy and is looking for a new sponsor. We talk about once a week so he can see his pets, I also do not mind the positive updates. When we talk it’s respectful, there is still a lot of love, but I’ve set boundaries that keep him from hounding me about our relationship. I have also started a new therapy. This is my first serious breakup and the after shock is real. It’s hard to lose your best friend, future husband, and father of your fur babies in one go. I am confident however, that this is essential to both of our growth. I’m happy that we can have a respectful albeit small relationship. Who knows what the future holds but for now I’m doing my best to be content with this new independence, and grateful my life can go through road blocks and I can get through easily, thanks to my amazing support system. I still haven’t spoken with my mother. That will be much later and I will be requiring a serious apology. I love my mom, but I’m not going to stand for her demanding I make really unhealthy choices to appease her, and so she doesn’t have to be “embarrassed by my broken home”??? I mean come on man I’m 21. My broken little tykes home lets be real. I am young and smart and pretty and I have a really good kind life in my future. Thank you for helping me not settle for “comfortable”. I hope I never have to update again. And I hope you are all having a really Good Friday. ***Relevant Comment:*** *It's good his behavior is improving, but don't rejoin the relationship:* "Absolutely. I’m pleased to see progress. Period. I have no intentions of rejoining that relationship. I am just really happy that he is also getting a new start that is positive, and I am proud of him for taking it seriously and getting the help he needs. I was fully expecting self destruction while blaming me and instead he’s owning up to his mistakes and trying to do better for himself." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/user/Whofuckingknows2/comments/132770v/surprise_twist/) **3: April 28, 2023 (2 weeks from last post, almost 2 months from OG post)** I left out of my last post my final interaction with my ex. It didn’t seem too important at the time, but we had a final hookup the last time I saw him. I am now pregnant. This was my biggest fear while with him, having a child and being solely responsible for them. I am now in that exact position. I told my ex a couple days after I found out. I assured him that this changes nothing about our relationship, but as he is the father he has the right to be involved in the conversation. He declared he is moving to my hometown and he will be “the best goddamn father you’ve ever seen”. I have my doubts, I am full of anxiety. I’ve barely learned how to treat my self correctly. I want my kid to be so beyond loved. I want my child to have everything in the world and more. I don’t know how to do that on my own. I am encouraged to see my ex making big boy steps to be a part of our kids life. But I’m also cautious he’s doing all this to get back in my good graces. I can’t be a mom to my ex and my future child. I cant fall back into the same dynamic that made me leave. I am doing what I can to stay strong and hold my ground, but then he send flowers, or a massage certificate, or a bump box. Every gift, every check in text, and every mention of OUR baby gets me closer to going back to him. I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I guess its cathartic to get this all down and out in my own words. It’s hard to write your own narrative in your words in a small gossipy home town. It’s hard to be pregnant and single. But the hardest thing is telling your father that you’re expecting no matter how old you are. I know we will be okay. I am already trying everything in my power to be a good mom already. I am trying to be respectful to everyone I can regarding this situation but damn its tough. Anyway thats my ramble. I doubt anyone reads these anymore lol but I’m glad I said it. ***Relevant Comment:*** *Are you sure you want to be tied to him for the rest of your life? Because that's what this baby will do:* "No i am not. Im not too sure about much right now. I do know that I already love this baby more than I can say. I know that he loves our baby already too and thats all I really care about. His mom is good at reigning him in and I have to believe that things are going to be okay" **Slight Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/13wp755/i_love_you_but_fuck/)**: May 31, 2023 (1 month from previous update, almost 3 from OG)** My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. I went to live with my dad as soon as I could decide and kept my contact minimal. After high school I moved away for college and for a good job with my ex. My mom followed me to my new city and we tried to rebuild our relationship. Unfortunately I got scared of the choices I made when I was with her so I went back to low contact and she moved back to my hometown. Unfortunately recently my life turned upside down. Long story short my boyfriend and I broke up. I moved home (with my dad) and got a new, better job. Then I found out I was pregnant. My dad has a full house and I made the decision to move to my mothers guest house for my pregnancy so I can save more money for Bebe, and move out once they are around 2 months old. The timeline works for my finances, and I figured, since I’m just on her property, not main house, it might be easy to keep a low profile. How naive. After work daily she comes over to “check on” me. She hasn’t failed to offer me an alcoholic beverage. Not once since I moved in. She chain-smokes right out side my bedroom daily, and she stays late. I know its her home. I know that she’s very kind to have me here, but I’m growing a person right now. I am preparing myself for motherhood. Single motherhood. I work long demanding hours. I am stressed and isolated. I would love a fucking drink. But I’m pregnant. I cant drink. The time I brought it up, I was screamed at and she asked me to leave in the morning. It was really upsetting and stressful. I feel like she comes here to bait me into picking a fight so she can pull every power play to make me feel small. So any way. Mom, I love you. But, fuck man. I am trying to give our entire family a healthy new friend. I am trying to reestablish myself as an adult in the town that I was a child in. I am trying to do better for myself and my baby. Please respect that for me. Please respect that enough for your grandchild. I love you. Please, try to love me. **\*\*\*\*\*Final Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/16vk7xt/one_last_final_update/)**: September 29, 2023 (\~7 months from OG post, 4 months from last)\*\*\*\*** Hey Reddit! It’s been a while. My life has flipped me in every direction but I am finally in a place where I am happy and confident enough in my situation and decisions to loop my internet friends in! I started a new job several months ago. It was up my alley and amazing pay. I was living with my mother in order to save up during my pregnancy, but once I started my job I immediately moved out. Besides the pay and the career boost, I have found very meaningful relationships within the company. I met a group of coworkers on my first day that I was immediately attracted to. They are adventurous and kind, outgoing people. I started building my relationships with them and eventually they became some of the closest people to me. They have been supportive of all my struggles from this year and I would not have been able to get through my miscarriage with out all the love they had to give me. I miscarried in my second trimester. It was hell. I have never been more upset with my body. I felt I had failed my child. There was nothing I could do to take that pain away. It still breaks my heart on a daily basis but I have been getting through it and a little stronger everyday. My ex lost his mind when he found out. He said I took his family from him and he would never forgive me. He threatened to sue for “emotional distress” I had caused him. It was unbelievable. The month after my miscarriage, I started seeing one of my new work friends. He’s a bit older than me, and is everything I have ever wanted. He is quite literally the opposite of my ex. He cooks and cleans, he makes me feel beautiful and smart and all the things my ex would say I wasn’t. I have found a new version of myself this year. I have made good friends who support me every day. I have found things I love to do and have been able to restart hobbies I gave up in favor of my ex. I found a person who makes me want to do better everyday. I know this is long so I’ll wrap it up. I have never been happier in my life. I know it’s dumb to say but I genuinely thank reddit for this. It was hard to read some comments but it gave the strength and understanding I needed to stop settling for someone who didn’t care about me. I truly hope this is the last time any of you will see a post from me. Thank you all. Xo

Final Update: AITA for calling my MIL on my Fiancé?

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18isd6s/final_update_aita_for_calling_my_mil_on_my_fiancé/

18isdb5

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/Prize-Ad3917](https://new.reddit.com/user/Prize-Ad3917/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. **Mood Spoiler:** >!things are getting better?!< **Original** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18b4z6p/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_skip_this_years/)**: December 4, 2023** Context: I have gone to Florida with his family for the past 5 years for at least part of Christmas. Every other year, I returned before him to spend Christmas day with my family. This year is the first time in a long time that all the other siblings are able to overlap dates. My fiance has major FOMO, which is why this is a sensitive subject. His parents have always been weird about keeping their family close. They've never said it outright but little things suggest they don't consider me completely part of their family yet since we aren't married. Also, my parents are away overseas dealing with a grandparent emergency. My mom has been kept in the loop though and is trying to come back as soon as she can.\*\* My fiance and I (31M and 31F) are expecting our first baby due December 30th. His family has a vacation home in Florida and they have gone every year during the holidays for about a month until after New Year. He agreed not to go this year because of the baby but his family is insisting that he go and come back on the 28th which is "ample time before the baby is due". So he bought a ticket for December 15th-28th. His reasoning is that his parents really want him there and his siblings will also be going. This is bothering me alot more than I thought because I know pregnancies are unpredictable, especially in the last trimester and if anything happens leading up to the due date, I need him there. My parents are away until December 26th and my friends have their families so I will be completely alone. The other reason...and I guess it's more selfish, is that I will be spending Christmas by myself. It's not the main reason why I'm bothered but it's a small part of it. He's been spending Christmas every year in Florida since he was 15 and there will be many more trips after the baby is born. I don't know why he has to go THIS YEAR. Any time I bring it up, it results in a very uncomfortable fight about my expectations to put me first rather than his parents. I don't even bring it up anymore. His parents have always been kind to me but they also don't see any problem so I think I'm going crazy? AITA here? \*\*Wow, I wasn't expecting this many responses and I can't personally thank all of you but THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH ❤️ All your support and responses mean alot and I definitely plan on showing this thread to him. ***Relevant Comment:*** "Deeper context is that there was a major conflict between him and his SIL last year that ruined the vacation and drove a wedge between him and his siblings. They left us out of major events, trips etc. and they only started repairing their relationship a couple months ago. While they are trying to fix things, they have left me out of it (they said it's a sibling matter). So I understand to a degree why he and his parents feels this trip is important to fixing his relationship with his family but it definitely is the worst time for it. It's a sensitive topic." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update (Same Post): December 9, 2023 (5 days later)** I'm sorry for not updating sooner, everything has been overwhelming and I'm trying to deal with alot. The good news is that my mom arrived home yesterday! When I had explained everything to her, her sister (who is a retired nurse) insisted she come too. I'm so thankful to have them here. It's hard to get my feelings across as there's a bit of a cultural barrier. My mom is from HK and without getting into details, the grandparent situation was very much an emergency. But she has siblings and my dad who is staying there atm. As for my fiance...I scheduled a virtual appointment with him and my obgyn to update her and told her this whole situation. Lke all of you, she was appalled and strongly recommended he not travel during this time. Her words were, "In my professional opinion, I'm going to VERY STRONGLY recommend you reconsider your plans. In my personal opinion, I'm going to insist it." It was probably on me for not alerting her sooner re. his travel plans. After that, he is still going but adjusting his dates so he will be back on the 22nd. There will be one day overlap with his siblings. His mom isn't too happy he won't be there for Christmas. She suggested he fly back later on the 25th instead so he can spend a part of Christmas day with them but he said no. It's still not ideal for me, my mom and aunt has insisted to speak with his parents so we've scheduled a call with them later today. I reached out to my best friend too about this after I read some of your responses and PMs. She was livid and informed her husband that she doesn't care if it's on Christmas day, if I go into labor, she will drop everything and be there. She's also been kept up to date about who will be with me while he is away and will be visiting. I know there were alot of questions regarding the family but I can't address all of them, it's too much to write out. Yes, I know they don't treat me completely as family, there have always been small passive aggressive things that bothered me (not invited to Mother's/Father's Day events, left out of family Secret Santa, not being allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit etc.). \-Yes, I know that his mother must be aware that he shouldn't be leaving me at 37 weeks. She's not dumb and I update her after all my appointments so I know she knows this too. I don't know why she's saying it's ok, but I have an idea why. My mom has made it clear she will be addressing all of this in the call. \-Some of you wondered how they can afford to go to Florida for a month. His parents are retired and snowbird there. His siblings and SIL all have 9 to 5 jobs that are partly remote so they are lucky enough to take their work to Florida and work there. My fiance is a gig worker so he dictates his own schedule. Obviously, their schedules don't always align. \-I haven't shown him this thread yet. Atm, it's just one more thing I don't want to deal with with him. I may in the future but I have suggested we go to therapy before we set a wedding date...he agreed. I am also seeking counseling for myself. Lastly, I am incredibly grateful to all of you who took time to respond, offer to visit me and bring me food...I have never posted on Reddit before but I appreciate the support you've all shown me. Once again, thank you all so much. I'll try to update again after the baby comes. It might be awhile but please know that I am safe and have lot of love surrounding me. Please have a safe and happy holidays!! Also, I am expecting a girl 🥰

AITA for asking my fiance to skip this year's Christmas family vacation because our baby is due?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18isdb5/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_skip_this_years/

18jjp0a

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Ill-Bridge3129 **Originally posted to** r/antiwork **New boss is upset I’m resigning and relocating to a new state. She is requesting I write a manual on every step I take to do my job in 2 days. How do I professionally tell her no ?** Trigger Warnings: >!hostile workplace!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/164l815/new_boss_is_upset_im_resigning_and_relocating_to/) - **August 29, 2023** I’ve been at this new company for 4 months. I needed the job in a pinch but the company is stuck in the dark ages and severely underpays everyone. The workload is heavy and they earned over 2 billion is profits last year (shocker) still refuses to address the issues. I recently graduated and applied to grad school out of state. While waiting for admissions I got an amazing job offer I couldn’t pass on. I accepted immediately. I submitted a formal resignation letting my boss know this is final. She has since then requested a meeting everyday to change my mind or give her more information about where I’m going, the new pay rate, and how to do my job. She cannot loose me but cannot match or beat the new offer. Ultimately, her last team walked out on her and I know of 3 people headed out after me. We are down to the last 11 days on-site and I refused to give her any information on my new location or anything relating to my new job. Now she insists I give her a manual of how to create our internal booklets that cover all things HR from benefits, upcoming events, mental health, employee recognition etc. I cannot begin to explain how I create this, edit it or the technical aspects required in just 2 days; her given deadline. I use 4 editing softwares to achieve this as well as create an online version in English and Spanish. After requesting more a more flexible and realistic deadline, offering a remote contract to stay part time until a replacement can qualify into the position, or offering a freelancing rate position, How do I explain professionally that I cannot write a manual about how to use an application on a technical level? I went to school to learn how to create interactive programs and demos. She is not accounting that this is not an easy learned skilled. I’m out of time as I wrap up a beta testing program I built for our huge company. The testing alone will need the remaining week to hand off to IT to implement and go live. If she can’t compromise, I don’t know what else I can do. Is there anything I can say that will get through to her? Edit: this is a new created position. I started from scratch so there is no training guide to rely on if they want to use what I have set in place. Edit 2: didn’t even make it through the whole day to think about my next move after reading some of the comments. Update has been posted to explain. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **cero1399:** Why do you feel the need to help her at all? You're leaving, she has no power or control over you >**OP:** Just trying to keep it professional and my karma slate clean. If I did all I can do, I’ll walk away. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/1650z0i/update_new_boss_is_upset_im_resigning_and/?share_id=8coW8-qD_gAvKoyPEYKos&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **August 29, 2023 (same day, ten hours later)** Thank you to those who made me laugh and offered genuine hilarious takes. I see I’m not the only out here dealing with a BAD boss. Og posted [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/164l815/new_boss_is_upset_im_resigning_and_relocating_to/) above. Once I clocked in, I decided to type up a contract and present it to her. I was ready to do so when I got handed a stack of projects and was told to pitch in. I politely refused and went back to wrapping everything up. I was then out of the office dealing with IT issues for our program beta testing when I looked up and saw my boss staring at me through the office glass. I excused myself and went into the hallway. She was pissed and asked to talk with me. I rescheduled with IT and left for her office. She said she went through my drive and found my work and needed me to walk her through it now because she can’t see why it’s so hard for me to just write it down. So I did just that, I used every technical term I could think of ….nearly 5 minutes in I stopped and said “now how would you like me to document what just said?” She looked ready to cry and said I could go back to my desk. I thought it was a victory. However on her way out, she told me to get with my backup and to REAPPLY for my position when I come back in town. She’ll hold the job for me. I reached out to this person to give them a heads up. As of today at 1807, this person informed me the will be out for 2 months at minimum and left this week on leave. I thanked them and asked if our boss is aware. My boss approved the leave and has now scheduled me to train a person who is not physically in the building to work. I think she forgot. Soooooooo now I will not be following up on any of this and will be cutting back until my time is up. Fingers crossed it we make it to the finish line. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **13auricles:** Why does she think you are going to reapply for this position? Wow. The delusion… >**OP:** So out team has been requesting to use their PTO and she refuses to approve it. Her feedback to me was if I need to take PTO and just apply when I’m ready to come back I have her blessing. > >I was shocked because that means she’s not hearing me and for right now she is still not processing my last day coming up. > >It’s gonna be a train wreck. &nbsp; [Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/16kh4e6/final_update_new_boss_is_upset_im_resigning_and/?share_id=cXIihR1ma3QZcnZCMMHAC&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **September 16, 2023** Click [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/antiwork/comments/1650z0i/update_new_boss_is_upset_im_resigning_and/) for my previous post. Let’s get into it. Due to legal advice and reasons I’m not able to post any communications like I want to. If and when I get the green light, I’ll post. As many of you have guessed my old boss did not handle my departure well. From what I’m told she is still struggling mentally and emotionally. Basically taking it out on anyone and everyone. My typical day in my final week consisted of meeting after meeting where she would rant about me negatively to the whole team and create unreasonable demands to add this or that to the “manual”. I want to be absolutely clear, I never created a manual and I intentionally told her no every chance I got. She took it as far to demand i change my original resignation in my exit interview. This is where I lost all my fucks to give. I didn’t change a word and proceeded to write the most critical review I have ever given. I then emailed it to her boss and myself. She had no choice but to leave me alone. After the exit interview, I “cleaned” my desk. All notes shredded, managed subscriptions lapsed, demos returned, and any pending unapproved content material or media removed. Equipment was walked to IT. My project never went live. All my accounts disable and I only having all the passwords made sure to reassign generic passwords then leave it alone. My Replacement came back from leave early but due to the pain they were experiencing, couldn’t even stay awake to discuss anything. I would just let them sleep. My boss was pissed to learn I wasn’t making them stay awake the whole day. When She was reminded that I’m not doing that, I Spent the whole day getting yelled at. We did zero training. On my last day, I literally did absolutely nothing. I took a long lunch, walked the floor and enjoyed good breaks. Towards the end of shift, people were panicking asking me questions, calling and texting not once did I follow up. I took my time to block all numbers then left early as soon as payroll captured all my punches. Currently I’m enjoying the new city, my new job and spending time with my boyfriend. My stress is all the way down, and I’m no longer worried about my karma. I have a great home life now and a great salary to assist with therapy. While I am overwhelmed with the change, I’m happy and safe. I can’t talk about the new job but it’s a 10/10! I’ve already been offered a 3day paid vacation since the leave renews soon. They care about my difficult transition. I do get calls texts emails from the team. It’s always about help or how I left them high and dry. No one can pick up the projects nor explain to business solutions the next phase. Per my old desk mate , our supervisor has asked to bring me back remotely and/or send a conditional offer to negotiate. So I will be changing my number and getting a new email asap. The offer requires me to move back in 1 month, write SOPs for my job and provide technical training to all dept staff. Pay: not mentioned. lol, no. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

New boss is upset I’m resigning and relocating to a new state. She is requesting I write a manual on every step I take to do my job in 2 days. How do I professionally tell her no?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18jjp0a/new_boss_is_upset_im_resigning_and_relocating_to/

18jjpek

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/fmil-issues **I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M].** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!financial abuse, controlling behavior, abuse through self harm, accusations of murder!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/8bJBBzXAFR)  **Dec 17, 2014** Hello relationships, Long-time lurker, first time advice-seeker. Let's get down to business. I've been with my fiancé "Adam" for 5 years and we've been engaged for 7 months. We have a beautiful home together, and we both work really hard at our relationship. The issue isn't with Adam, he does his very best to try to mitigate the situation with his mom, but it's wearing on him, and I worry that one day he'll have to choose. I don't want him to have to do that, that would hurt him too much to choose between me and his family. There are a lot of situations, but I thought I would highlight the worst/most recent: 1. About 3 years ago, 1 month after we purchased our house, his mom really needed windows in her house, mold was growing a lot and some no longer had seals. Now, his mom actually has a sizable savings account, enough that she can spend her money frivolously on luxury goods like Birkin bags, and getting her hair done two times a week, her nails, buying a Mercedes every two years, and so on. However, she never budgets for anything. So, she asked him for $25,000 to replace the windows. He said he'd cover them. When he told me, I almost had a heart attack. He said it was a loan and that she'd pay him back. I still have Law School debt to cover and we have a larger-than-we-should-have mortgage. She made a comment to him about how I would let her freeze (?) to death all winter and he had to help her. We took extra out on the mortgage to cover the windows (top of the line, everything.) We still have yet to see a dime, I suppose it went into her new GL-Class. To quote the bard: *"Neither a borrower nor a lender be."* 2. Adam and I had a vacation planned a year after the windows dilemma happened, we decided that we'd go to Europe for two weeks as he has never been and I lived there from the time I was 3 until I came to America for school. We set our hearts on Spain and rented a lovely apartment in Barcelona for the two weeks, it was perfect for two. We planned all of our tours and outings around our interests. Adam loves architecture, so we had a few tours solely planned for that. His mother decided that she *HAD* to come, and she'd never been to Europe either, so she invited herself on our trip. Like I did previously, I tried to appeal to his rational side, but I couldn't get through his emotional side, so I just accepted that she'd be coming along. Well, coach wasn't good enough for her, and she had to have tickets upgraded to business. But she didn't want to travel alone, so she pitched in for a seat for Adam to travel with her. I had to remain in coach alone. Then, she didn't want to stay at the apartment because it wasn't a "vacation" to her, no, she *HAD* to stay at the W in Barcelona. Where she begged Adam to stay with her, but there wasn't any room for me (?). He tried to reason with her, but she cried and said how sad she was without her husband with her as he passed away before they could ever get to Europe together (He passed away 10 years ago). So, I stayed at the apartment alone while they stayed at the hotel. We were supposed to meet up for breakfast, but she would never get ready on time, so they wouldn't be down until 11am, and we missed most of our outings. I definitely felt like a third wheel and questioned why I even bothered to go on the vacation when I could've stayed home and not felt so alone. 3. Adam and I began to discuss wedding plans. I would like to keep it relatively low key as my family still lives in Europe, and cannot attend as my father is very sick and we are worried he may take a turn for the worse. Traveling is just not worth it for him, and I wouldn't want him to risk his health for something that is a one day event. I told Adam that I would like just a courtroom ceremony, and his mother and sister of course, and friends. We'd then take everyone out for a very fancy dinner. His mother did not, I repeat, *NOT* take kindly to this. She said that if her son was going to get married, it would have be a grand affair, for everyone to see. I just keep looking at my side of the seating chart, and the pitiful number of guests. I just want to cry. She has been planning it. I told Adam I didn't want this, I expressly told him that I just wanted a small... really, really, *really* small event. No go. She won't even hear him. She just refers to me as "her" and "she" and says how I think that I'm too good for a large wedding and that my family is too good for America (?). My family is American, my dad is/was an Ambassador. 4. This has been happening a lot recently, and this time, it's just been one too many times. Lately, she has been asking for more "together" family time. She lives quite close, but we don't see her all that often as she has friends and events that keep her busy (not too busy to plan the wedding though.) She has requested that we, Adam and I, have dinner with her three times a week. Well, what has been happening is that she has been reserving a spot at the restaurant for 6pm. I don't get home until 6:30 some nights. She has just been encouraging Adam to eat out with her as I am too thoughtless to come home at a decent hour to eat with her son. How lonely that must be for him. It honestly doesn't bother me that he goes out to eat with her that often, but the things she says behind my back, well... I came home early tonight. I left work, and was on the road by 4:30pm, home by 5pm. I surprised Adam as he was just coming in the door when I yanked the door open to greet him happily. He was so excited to see me! I could come to dinner with him and his mom! I told him I just needed to shower real quick and get dressed. He called his mom right away and told her that I would be able to make it, he also make a comment stating he hoped there was a reservation for three tonight. She said that there was, but she thought they'd eat earlier, like 5:30 and was already on her way to our house. She got there at 5:15 and stated that she couldn't wait another second and had to eat right then. Adam said I'd be ready in just another 15 minutes and offered to call the restaurant and request they move us back. She wouldn't hear it. She just whined about being hungry, and how a poor old woman should be expected to wait so his fiancée could fulfill her vain requirements. He came upstairs and asked how long I'd be, I said just another 10 minutes. He said his mom was really upset and hungry, if I could skip a step for him so we could leave earlier? I told him to go ahead without me and I would meet them there. That was fine. I got there, and the table was for two. *Of course!* Adam said we could make room, but she said how we'd be inconveniencing everyone and I should just go sit at the bar and she'd try to get it fixed. I had one drink at the bar and then left. Came home, calmed down a bit, and now I am writing this. Wow, that was long. I think I need to get that out there. I guess I figured everything out though. Sorry to bother you /r/relationships, unfortunately, my relationship is over with Adam. I realize this as I poured my heart out to this sub. Thank you. ---   **tl;dr**: Future mother in-law is coming between my fiancé and I... I figured it out though. I think I have to call it quits. Thanks for letting me vent. [Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/v9S9CTkIQL)  **Dec 22, 2014** Wow. Wooooooowah! I really did not expect this kind of attention considering I pretty much came to a conclusion (seems to be the general consensus among you that it's the right one) on my own. [But the support!](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2pjd20/i_think_my_29f_future_mother_inlaw_63f_may_be/) /r/relationships, the support you have given me, I'm overwhelmed and feel extremely grateful in a way I cannot express. Through PMs and comment posts, I cried while reading all of them. Some of you shared words of wisdom, some of you shared different perspectives, others shared similar experiences, I feel at a loss for words. Anyway, there isn't a very impactful update... but I figured I would update you on what has happened so far and take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you. After I posted a comment on my own thread, and was about 2 glasses deep into a bottle of wine, Adam came home. This was extremely late.  He sat down beside me and looked defeated. He just looked at me with hopeless eyes. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said he needed time to process everything that happened tonight. I told him I also needed time. He said to me that whatever I wanted to do, he would accept it. So, I called up my maid of honor and asked if she would come pick me up and I could stay at her house for the night. Adam and I kissed, and he told me he loved me, and I left. I haven't been back. From "Colleen's" house, I made a call the next morning to my office asking for a few more days off to go visit my family. So, right now, I am writing to you from my parents' house in Europe. I called Adam and told him my plans, and he asked me if I would let him drive me. I told him I was okay to go myself with Colleen, and I would email him when I got to my family home. When I got settled at home, I emailed Adam, and I sent him the thread that I had made that Tuesday night (a large majority of you wanted him to read it). So... he has read all, *ALL* of your comments. He also read the part where I came to the conclusion on my own that I had to end things. We talked briefly over Skype, he told me he felt "raw" from the thread, but he was glad that I had gotten things out. He asked me if I was sure if I wanted to break things off or if I still needed time to think. I said I was pretty sure. He asked me for a probability (this is a joke in our relationship for dealing with decisions) and I said I was 90% sure that this was the end for us, and I was using my time away wisely to really consider everything. For some reason, his eyes brightened and he just told me that we could talk about it when I got back stateside. I wouldn't break up with him over Skype, and I think we have a lot of legalities to go through regarding the house and we have to collect any deposits that are available when we cancel the wedding things (because his mom didn't pay for any of the wedding *SHE* planned.) Anyway, I have had a sit down with my father, he's been feeling better, which is a huge relief. He has offered me two thirds of the cost of the house. So I could either buy it from Adam and pay off most of the mortgage, or just walk away and buy myself something else. I didn't expect this, but he said it would give me options should I decide what he thinks I have decided. He says he just wants me to have freedom, and that he wouldn't want to see my heart and my bank account broken at the same time. So.... that's that. Like I said, nothing really happened between Adam and I, I do have more power though, thanks to my parents, and I have been enjoying my time with my family. My mom and I have been shopping a lot, and my brother (my dad's doctor) and his family have been coming over for dinner quite a bit. My sister is expected to return from China tomorrow, and I am very excited to see her! I wish you all a happy holidays and a hopeful New Year. Hopefully, my next update will have a conclusion, one way or another.   **tl;dr**: Adam saw the original, nothing has happened as of yet, but my parents gave me money to get myself out of the housing situation if need be. [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/ZYLpEb0U95)  **Feb 26, 2015** Hi! I first would like to apologize for how long this update took. I’ve been completely swamped at work, and things have been happening at home too. So let’s get into that. I want to thank everyone again for their continued support and interest in my relationship issues. Sincerely, the advice and shared experiences has made everything a lot clearer. Also, Adam has been following along. Firstly, I specifically want to thank everyone who defended and supported Adam. I don’t see him as a bad guy, and I really wouldn’t be vindictive. So, passive aggressive comments while leaving, or making rude comments to him, or anything really mean hearted, I couldn’t do to him. He has supported me emotionally through getting my MBA, he helped me study for my LSATs, he read over my essays to apply to Law Schools, he did mock interviews with me, he sat through boring orientations with me, he stayed up all night with me when I was sick with nerves before taking the Bar. He was my cheerleader when I ran my first triathlon, and he is my champion when I see a house centipede. He is my dream man. And I would never give up my relationship with him if I didn't feel like I was fighting a losing battle. Now, are you guys in for a real shocker? *Someone* made a comment in the [update](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2q3za4/update_i_think_my_29f_future_mother_inlaw_63f_may/) that he would be outside my parent’s house if he really wanted it to work. He took your advice to heart, and he was outside with his bags and a rental on the evening of the 24th. I… uh… I was taken aback, and I blurted out “What the fuck are you doing here?” He just laughed and said he wanted to talk about everything and it couldn’t wait until I got back. He’d been reading all the comments on the threads, and he felt like they were very eye opening. He browsed /r/raisedbynarcissists and felt very moved by the similarity some of the posters have with their parents. He said that he spent the last few days thinking about what went down at the restaurant with his mother, and how the look in my eyes when I looked at him after I realized what had happened broke his heart. What I didn’t know was that he and his mother got into a row after I went to sit at the bar. Fighting about me, and how he doesn’t feel free, how his sister used to say she had the same problems but since she moved far away, it has died down a lot. A lot of people asked me why I put up with this for so long. I tried to remember when this really started happening, when it stopped appearing like regular mother-in-law “don’t want to lose my son” comments and began to feel like isolation and vehemence. We used to have an okay relationship when we first met. Sometimes we’d go shopping together, and once we got our nails done. It was around when Adam and I purchased the house together, that’s when it really started to get bad. The [windows](http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2pjd20/i_think_my_29f_future_mother_inlaw_63f_may_be/) incident was the first really big issue I remember. When she realized we were serious about each other. So, back to when we were at my parents house. We had a serious heart to heart. I bared everything to him, and he did the same. So, there was no extreme confession of incest, or physical abuse. It was just that he thinks he was raised by a narcissist who saw her control of her son, he pride and joy, slipping away. We came to a decision. Here is what we decided on December 27th: * He went back to the US after New Year’s Day, a couple of days before me, and moved his stuff out of our place to a friend’s. He didn’t want me to have to be inconvenienced for changes he **HAD** to make. * We have put our engagement on hold for the time being. He cancelled all the plans his mother made. * He has been seeing a therapist since the middle of January pretty consistently, twice to three times a week. I’ve been to four sessions with him. His mother has not. * We have sort of begun dating each other again. * I have been talking to his sister, and the things their mother put her through, Adam is very lucky. Now, about his mother. He has decided to give her one last chance to go to therapy with him, and he has stated that if she does not, he will be going no contact with her. We have a lot to rebuild, but I know we can do it together.    **tl;dr**: Thank you everyone for the continued support/interest/advice. Got a complaint about my tl;dr, *Adam and I were able to work out a plan for our relationship, put our engagement on hold, see a therapist, and set clear boundaries/no contact with his mother.* [Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/XpTh0TTyzW)  **Dec 16, 2015** It has been a long time, /r/relationships! We're all a year older. :( Adam and I will be composing this thread together... oh no! I gave away the ending. Yes, we are together, in fact... **we're married.** Here goes, [last time we left off](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2x6n79/update_2_i_think_my_29f_future_mother_inlaw_63f/), Adam was seeing a shrink (still is) to try to unwind some of the damage his mother did, we were living separately for the time being, Adam's mother tried to commit suicide, but no really, she called emergency services before she tried and didn't even have time to swallow more than 2 pills. It's so scary to think that within his mind there was such an abusive past when he has always had such a happy exterior. My *husband* (man that's fun to say!) was basically traumatized by his own mother his entire life. As was his sister, I had alluded before in one previous thread that Adam's sister had it a lot worse than Adam when they were younger, but when Adam's father died, his mom locked in on him. So, Adam's dad died of kidney failure; however, Adam had donated one of his kidneys to try to save him. His father's body rejected the donation, and passed away about 11 years ago this coming April. His mother took it upon herself during his grieving process to manipulate him into believing he killed his own father and she was alone now because of him. That if he wanted to repair what he did to her, he'd treat her better. Every time he thought that he could get away and create his own life and feel free, she'd remind him. The windows, for example, I only heard the part where she blamed me... but I tried to think back to the conversation, and really try to hear what Adam had said, it's about 4 years ago now, but he was telling me at that moment that the reason her house was falling down was because she no longer had a man to take care of it... *BECAUSE HE KILLED HIS DAD*. He was trying to tell me, I just wasn't able to understand what it meant. Same with the vacation to Barcelona, she was doing it in front of me now. When he was younger, a lot of these issues had been regarding academic success or athletic success, she didn't have any issue then with girlfriends or anything. She just viewed her children as extensions of herself. It was bad, it just wasn't this level of guilt inducing insanity. Let's get back to the present day. Adam's psychologist had suggested Adam offer his mother a chance to come to therapy to work out issues. He wasn't able to propose this to her at the time because after her "suicide attempt" she whisked herself away on a cruise to get some much "needed" R&R, whatever. OH. MY. GOD. You'd think he was asking her to murder puppies with the way she went on. So, that's that. No contact. She has tried, but Adam has either ignored all phone calls with unknown numbers, we had our locks changed, and his work has strict instructions not to let her passed the doors. She moved to where Adam's sister lives in July, but I know that his sister (we are close) has been no contact with her since she met her husband. We wrote off the $25,000, we either get it back in probate court, in inheritance, or not at all. I'm not really choked up about it, not enough to do any extra work to get it back right now, especially since Adam is worried she'll use it as leverage to buy back in. We ended up getting married in September, flew out to be with my parents this week to renew our vows in their house, and we're going to have our honeymoon in Fiji come January. My dad isn't doing so well, but he always seems to fluctuate like that. However, my brother isn't optimistic this time. :( Anyway, we were wondering, since you have all been so supportive, if you would do us one small favor. Adam and I are going to have a "grieving" ceremony for his father, so he can process it correctly without manipulation. For any of you who have lost parents, what helped you get through it? Thank you for everything, we wished we could have invited each and every one of you to our wedding, but... that would be creepy. **TL;DR** Adam has gone no contact with his mother, we got married, going to Fiji for our honeymoon. Adam and I are going to re-grieve his father's death, any tips for how to get through grief of a passing parent would be much appreciated. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

I think my [29F] future mother in-law [63F] may be trying to sabotage my relationship with my fiancé [31M].

REPOST

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18jjpek/i_think_my_29f_future_mother_inlaw_63f_may_be/

18jjpfn

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/throwawayaffairbaby **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest and her own page **I found out the reason why my stepdad always seems sad and distant** Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, sexual assault, alcoholism, mentions of trauma, physical abuse, homophobia, depression!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/188t1du/i_found_out_the_reason_why_my_stepdad_always/) - **Dec 1, 2023** Note: My dad is bisexual and my stepdad is gay I (14F) found out I’m my dads(38M) affair baby when my mom (38F) started seeing my dad. She didn’t know that he was in a relationship. When she found out she broke it off, but than she ended up getting pregnant with me. She kept me and has been a great mom ever since. My dad had been a good dad too. I stay at his house every other week and sometimes get to spend the holidays with with. Every time I visit my dads house, I notice my stepdad (36M) always seems very sad and try’s to keep his distance. I want to make it clear my stepdad has never been rude or disrespectful towards me. Whenever my dad is at work he always takes care of me and makes sure I’m ok. I always see him put on a smile whenever I’m around but puts it away when ever he thinks I’m not looking, like he doesn’t want me to see. My dad always try’s to be affectionate towards my stepdad, trying to give him a kiss or hug but he always try’s to reject as politely as possible or acts like he needs to go do something, when my dad gets home from work he just makes me and dad our dinner and then locks himself in the bedroom for the rest of the night. It’s always been like this. A couple days ago I asked my mom if my stepdad didn’t like me because of the way he acts and that’s when she told me the truth. After finding out this information I started to feel guilty, am I the reason for his unhappiness? My stepdad seems like such and kind person and I don’t want to be the reason he’s hurting. I’m staying with my dad next week and I want to talk to him about this, as well as my stepdad. I just don’t know what to say to them? &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwawayaffairbaby/comments/18d8by1/update_i_found_out_the_reason_why_my_stepdad/) - **Dec 7, 2023** First off I want to thank everyone for the advice. I know this update is late but I’ve just been busy. I spoke with my dad after I made my post, he came to pick me up to spend the weekend with him, I asked him if we could get Ice cream and talk, just the two of us. I told him that I knew I was an affair baby, he looked surprised and guilty, he just had no words. Then I Just told him to tell me the truth, to start by how the affair started. He started off by apologizing to me, then I told him to tell me how him and my mom met, after college my stepdad was always busy with work, he worked at a restaurant, he was a chef and wanted to open his own restaurant so he tried to do as much research and get as much experience as he could, he also started taking antidepressants so he wasn’t “willing to be intimate as much” as my dad put it. Because of that my dad started feeling upset and neglected. Him and my mom met at the gym, where my dad would go after work. They only talked and worked out together at first, then they started hanging out after the gym, then things escalated after that. When my mom found out he was in a relationship she cut it off, then she got pregnant. I was honestly getting a bit upset hearing all this. I see Reddit stories about cheating all the time and it just makes me upset. After that I told him about everything with my stepdad that I said in my first post. Asking if I was the reason he was unhappy He told I was not the reason my stepdad was depressed, well not the complete reason. I was confused and asked him what he meant. He was hesitant about answering but I kept pushing and I couldn’t even believe what he told me. Him and my dad met when he was 16 and dad 18. They had a class together and became friends. My Dad would always notice something was wrong with my stepdad. He just seemed sad and one day he went to my dads house crying and that’s when he told my dad everything. When my stepdad was 9 he was sexually assaulted by his cousin for 3 years. His mom passed away when he was 13 and it messed up his family. He dad became an alcoholic and his brothers ignored him. When he was 15 Someone outed him to his Dad and brothers and they started physically abusing him. It was so bad to the point they broke his arm once. He was kicked out of his house when he turned 18. He went to stay with my dad. Who was 20 and had his own place, that’s when they started their relationship. Because of all this my stepdad has stayed with the trama. My dad was there and helped him through it all. When he moved in with my dad he was starting to become very happy he was working a job that he loved and he was with someone who he loves. When my dad told him about the pregnancy he just said “ok” then got up and locked himself in the room. My dad slept on the couch that night and he could hear my stepdad crying in their room. This changed him he always had a beautiful smile on his face and then it was gone, he hasn’t see a genuine smile from him, even when he was depressed from living at home he was always able to make other people happy and now that changed. It really messed with him that he ended up losing his job and that just made things worse, it didn’t bother my dad to much cause he made enough that my stepdad didn’t have to work in the first place. They had a small break then got back together. Stepdad wanted to take his time healing he didn’t want to handle the pressure of healing fast and he didn’t want to lose my dad or make him cheat again so he let my dad have a open relationship on his side. He could be with whoever he wanted as long as he didn’t tell my stepdad or have them over at the house. My dad started tearing up and just said how much he hates himself for breaking my stepdads heart. He wants to let my stepdad go, to set him free but he can’t. I was confused on why my stepdad didn’t leave and now I know why, he’s only ever had my dad, he doesn’t have any family or friends. He reassured me that he wasn’t just sad whenever I came over that’s just how he’s been since he found out. This made tear up as well. When we finished talking we went home, my stepdad was cooking he gave me a smile and a small hug and we brought my stepdad some ice cream he gave a small thank you, then he gave us our dinner and went to shower and sleep. I could see the disappointed look on my dads face we ate and talked about our week. Then I just went up to my room to sleep. The next day I decided I was going to talk to my stepdad while my dad was at work. He always wakes up early to make me and my dad breakfast and pack my dad his lunch. My stepdad and I usually sit and have breakfast together it’s usually quite. We were just eating in silence and I was just trying to think of the best way to tell him I know, then I just blurted it out “I know about the affair my mom and dad had”. He stoped eating and just said “I know. I heard your dad talking with your mom on the phone about it”. He said it with such an empty voice then he told me if I wanted to talk about he’ll be honest with me. That’s when I just started venting, apologizing if I was the reason he was unhappy, that I can ask my dad to take us somewhere else so he didn’t have to see me. My eyes started watering and he was just quit the whole time. Then he got up, walked up to me and gave me a hug, he told me that it wasn’t my fault, that none of it was my fault, he told me that he loved me and he wasn’t depressed because of me, I could hear that he was beginning to cry as well, we just kept holding each other until we calmed down then had our conversation. He told me that I had nothing to be sorry about. How can I be sorry for something I had no control over. He apologized to me for making me feel unwanted or like he didn’t like, I told him he never made feel that way. We had a pretty long conversation but then he said he didn’t regret getting cheated on because of he didn’t he wouldn’t have me in his life, when he said that it made me break down again. I really love my stepdad. After are conversation it was already the afternoon so he told me to put my shoes on and we were going to spend the day together. My stepdads Mexican so we went to his favorite place for lunch, after we went to the mall and just hung out, then we got home and we played some Mario Kart on his switch (I kept losing) looking at my stepdad throughout the day he looked so genuinely happy something I had not seen before. My dad was right he does have a beautiful smile. When my dad came home he looked shocked to see us having fun and laughing. I went up to give him a hug and even my stepdad gave home a hug which my dad was surprised by but gladly hugged him back. My stepdad forgot to buy stuff to make dinner so we just went out to eat that day and had a good time. Later that night I was going to the kitchen to get some water and I over heard my dad and stepdad taking. Stepdad started of by apologizing for hurting me and hurting him all this time. He said that he loves me and my dad but when he found out about the cheating he couldn’t stop thinking about how his own dad told him how no one will love him because he gay and it just hurt more cause my dad cheated with a woman. He started crying and said he’ll do better for my dad and especially for me. My dad just hugged him and told he didn’t have to apologize, he should be the one apologizing, especially because he was the reason he lost his job and for making him take care of me, after he lost his job he said how much he loves my stepdad and how much he lived in regret for how my dad hurt him. He just kept holding my stepdad while he cried. They talked about what they we’re going to do now. They decided to go to couples concealing, a get my stepdad in therapy. My dad doesn’t have work on Sunday’s so we all spent the day together. My stepdad seemed a lot happier, I really think are conversation healed him a little. I really think me talking to both of them has made them better and it’s made me better to, who knows what’s for going to happen now. If anything else happens I’ll update but for now this is the only one. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Love-and-literature3:** Your dad is an AH. So he’s been “open” this whole time? I feel so bad for your stepdad. I hope he finds the strength to be kind to himself one day and finds someone who respects him. When you talk to him, maybe try to gently suggest some therapy. >**OP:** He was in an open relationship this whole time… sort of, after like 4 years they started again but now very frequent so my step dad still let him have the open relationship. It felt weird hearing about their intimate life, but like their adult, so it’s obviously a common thing &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

I found out the reason why my stepdad always seems sad and distant

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18jjpfn/i_found_out_the_reason_why_my_stepdad_always/

18jjpzk

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/ProfessionalEssay610 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH for telling my (21F) family that my partner (21M) forced me to do a paternity test?** **Editor's Note: Added spaces for readability** Trigger Warnings: >!past child abuse, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, accusation of infidelity, demands of paternity tests!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/184q2wj/aitah_for_telling_my_21f_family_that_my_partner/) - **Nov 26, 2023** My partner and I have been together for over four years and I recently gave birth to our daughter. We had kept the pregnancy to ourselves till our baby was born happy and healthy due to worries about complications as I faced a high risk pregnancy. We told our families after she was born, while my family was ecstatic, his was questioning if we hid it for ulterior reasons (they’ve always heavily disliked me and believe I’m just with their son for money.) Yesterday we took her to meet her grandparents from his side and, after some polite conversation, they dropped the bomb that they would be doing a paternity test that he agreed to. To not make myself look suspicious I agreed to it but afterward made it clear to my partner that I felt incredibly disrespect. Cue an argument where he told me it wasn’t a big deal if it was his and that the test was requested for by them to ease their uncertainty. Fast forward to today, I was having lunch with my mother and told her about the incident which left her pissed off and calling my partner a couple of names for insinuating I could’ve cheated. My mother ended up telling my grandparents who in a rage told him they would no longer accept him in their house for disrespecting me in such a way when the child is practically his twin. We had another argument about it and he screamed saying i ruined his image by telling them. AITAH? EDIT : Some of you are concerned about the hiding my pregnancy part so to clarify. My partner and I live a couple hours away from our families since we live by his university and typically only see each other on holidays and specials events. On top of that I have a very petite figure and had a rather small bump up until I gave birth so I was hardly showing as is which made hiding it a lot easier. Hiding it was a personal choice as I faced horrible anxiety due to constant bleeds throughout my pregnancy which made me fear the worst. &nbsp; **AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the comments, OOP was NTA** &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18escxs/aitah_for_telling_my_21f_family_that_my_partner/) - **Dec 9, 2023** Update: So two days ago my partner’s mother received the results of the paternity test which, of course, showed my partner to be the father. They immediately called him super ecstatic and ready to take their place in the life of my daughter. My partner was also incredibly happy as well since we would now be receiving their support due to the confirmation of my daughter being his. (For reference, since he’s studying and doesn’t work his family pays for his school and his half of bills. I on the other hand, work and pay my half of bills myself. In other words he’s reliant on then financially despite my insistence that we could survive off my salary.) To his dismay though, with the confirmation of his paternity assured, I told him I wanted a break from him and his family’s antics (this is not the first stunt they pull that antagonizes me) and before this is flooded with questions as to why I didn’t leave sooner. I was naive and thought our love for each other would beat their disapproval of our relationship. It wasn’t, that is clear to me now. We ended up arguing over it but, against his wishes, I packed a bag for me and the baby anyways and drove to stay with my parents. He apologized at night and agreed that his part in the entire paternity stunt was messed up but that he agreed it had to be done even if he was certain she was his. Fast forward to yesterday he texted me asking if I was willing to see him as he missed me and the baby. I agreed, assuming we could move past the whole ordeal. My family is still against him stepping foot in their house so we ended up meeting at a park to walk around. He apologized again and told me that the test was done so his family could trust me and willingly be apart of our daughter’s life. Thought I admitted that I had no intentions of letting them be around her till they at least apologize to me. This heated him up and he began screaming claiming that as her father I had no right to keep her from his family no matter what they did. I disagreed though, advising him that if they couldn’t respect me they had no reason to be apart of her life. The argument went nowhere and I left with the baby back to my parents. He’s since been texting and calling me saying that he’d take me to court if I deprive his family access to her. I don’t think my position on the matter is wrong but to him I’m an AH for it. EDIT : Before any more comments are made about my position about his parents. There’s more to it than just the test. I had always stressed to my partner that I wanted his mother specifically at a distance from our child. This was due to how horrific she treated us both for the first year of our relationship prior to us moving out together. Secondly, the woman is bipolar and abused my partner both physically and mentally when he was growing up as a child due to him having ADHD and being more hyper (this is what he told me at least.) Knowing this, I’m obviously weary of his mother around my daughter, the paternity test was just the nail on the coffin for me. TLDR : My partner and I are on a break from each other but on said break we began arguing about his family’s ability to see her, as I don’t want them to since they can’t respect me. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH for telling my (21F) family that my partner (21M) forced me to do a paternity test?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18jjpzk/aitah_for_telling_my_21f_family_that_my_partner/

18jjq0n

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowAITAbabygift **WIBTA for not returning $1000 gift given to me by coworkers "for my baby"** **Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & OOP's own page** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!body shaming, emotional manipulation!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/fFo6j2kcCb) **Mar 24, 2023** Throwaway, tl;dr the title. Me, 34F. Piecing old memories together with new info I just got. dec. 2019, I tell boss I'll be quitting end of jan. 2020 to be self-employed, but boss asks me to stay on payroll so he can "contract out" work to me easily. On my last day, coworkers leave me a goodbye card with $1000 cash in it. March 2020, I move a few hours away. Last week (mar. 2023), I see a former coworker who pats my stomach and asks if this is "my second". I internally die because OH SHE THINKS IM PREGGO. I know I'm \~20 pounds over where I'd like to be, and a lot of that is on my gut, coupled with a super curved lower spine that made my belly stick out even before I got fat. I tell coworker I don't have any kids, haha, I'm just fat, she looks awkward, I feel awkward, 0/10 experience, would not repeat. This morning I get a call from HR passing on a message from a different coworker asking for the "going away" cash to be returned, as it was meant as a maternity gift "for my baby" and that me "being fat" and "wearing shirts that emphasize my belly" was deceptive and I tricked that coworker into thinking I was pregnant. HR says she overheard the convo about me leaving but continuing to do some work in the coming months and took that as my maternity leave? She took donations from the staff under that pretense and now my fatness and lack of baby-ness is The Hot Office Gossip. Feeling *super great* about that too. HR says they can't force me to do anything, but it would be nice to return it. Here's the thing. I no longer have the card, but I am SURE it did not say anything about "there's a kid inside you!" It had two pandas on the front that oh now as I'm typing I do remember there was a big one hugging a smaller one so maybe it was about babies, but it DEFINITELY didn't say anything like "bun in the oven!" or "your sex was successful!" or "We think you're pregnant!", I am CERTAIN I would remember that because that's a super big insecurity I've had for the past \~5 years since I started gaining weight (medicine side effect) and husband keeps saying "nobody thinks you look preggo" so HAHA sucks to be wrong hubby. this is a very hollow victory. I'm feeling crushed and upset that the going away gift actually wasn't, and not once did any of my coworkers actually ask if I was pregnant. I don't really want to return the money. The cash is long since gone, but I could pull 1k from my bank to give back. Old boss has also been emailed about this entire exchange- posting here while I wait for a reply from him and googling "women's fashion to hide belly fat" and feeling horrible about my body. **EDIT: I do not want Newsweek or any other site using this situation as "content," and do not want any part of this posted off of reddit. I came here for support and opinions, and my shame should not be your entertainment, thank you. I know I can't stop you, but now if you link here, at least your readers will see this.** **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** **RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO** **superfastmomma** >Here's the issue. You accepted 1000 dollars which is a lot of money. Surely this wasn't a common occurrence at your place of work - collect a large amount of money for someone quitting their job. >It seems really odd you wouldn't question why collection had been made, especially since the card now appears off to you. >And it's really extremely odd to take that money and not leave the company. Taking a going away gift and not going away? >That said the HR person if off their rocker to call you about this. With that absolutely ridiculous response run from this company. * >Okay, but this was unusual, right? Because if it's totally normal to collect a large sum for someone' quitting their job at this company, why would someone complain now? **OOP** >>I'm replying here even though you're being downvoted because they're valid questions! I'm also going to use this comment for INFO: answers from other comments so I'm not typing the same thing everywhere multiple times. >>I do not actually know if it was normal to put together goodbye funds for people. Nobody from my department quit while I was working there. When people from other departments left, the company usually got a cake and sub platters to put in the lunchroom. I was asked to sign a card and contribute PTO to an injured coworker from a different department, but never any money for anyone. >>My room had 13 people (12+me) and 2 managers and 1 boss that I worked with and talked to, I did not interact with people in other offices much. The entire company has a really rough estimate of maybe 100 people in this location? I do not know how many names were in the card, because I did not keep it, but it was more than just 15 people. So I do not know who contributed, or how much money each, or if those people are still at the company or not. >>The only contact I have had with anyone at the company prior to this whole debacle was the emails from boss and his replies, all exclusively discussing the thing he would like me to make for him, and back in 2020, contacting HR via phone once to update my mailing address. >>HR called me this morning, there was nothing in writing. HR is also not the one who started up the fund, that was a coworker from my department who I worked with. I just didn't use names because I couldn't come up with a fake one off the top of my head. But HR is also a lady, and her phonecall was of the "hey, headsup about this" than it was scolding me. I'm still pretty mortified about it, but I don't think HR lady was being malicious or going over any sort of professional line. >>The order of events of me "quitting" went something like: the first week of December, I tell boss I'm leaving at the end of January. He submits the paperwork for that. For all of December, I tell coworkers that I'll be quitting, starting my own business doing roughly the same thing, but online. I give updates along the way as to how progress is going all through December. Everyone in the office is excited for me and the progress I am making on setting up my website (which is much different than creating geocites pages, ha). January, we start getting news about covid and nobody really knows what's happening there. Somewhere in the middle of January, boss asks if I would mind staying on payroll because there's one very specific aspect of the job that I do that nobody else in my department is trained for, and asking me to do that thing would be easier than training or hiring someone new specifically for that thing. I agree to stick on for that, and boss updates the paperwork to say "never mind! OP isn't actually quitting, she's just working on a as-needed basis." I don't think I told anyone in the office about this? Because in my mind I was still quitting. I may have told people though, I do not remember. And obviously, coworker heard me, so she knew. As far as I remember, the conversation in January was just a lot of "what's this silly little covid thing? It's probably nothing, it's not like it's going to \*massively effect every aspect of our lives for the next three years\*" >>Then, in the last week of January, CEO announces we won't be doing parties and such anymore until they know what's up with covid, and I pick up the card from my desk as I'm heading out on my last day being bummed about the lack of cake haha. >>Me and husband move in March 2020, right as the entire state is being shut down. Suuuuper creepy driving on a main highway road in what was supposed to be rush, and there were maybe five cars besides us and the Uhaul. I use the money to help pay for the whole moving costs, and that's pretty much the last I ever think about it until this morning. >>I do feel kinda silly now, looking back like "wtf why would my coworkers actually give me this much money?" but I think at the time I was just more feeling appreciated and that they were really going to miss me and were really excited for me going and doing my own thing, so I didn't really question it. This was also my first "real actual adult job" ever, so I guess I just accepted it as normal? >>Hi, it's me, Boo Boo the fool. **Mini Update** >I'm sorry, the only update I have is that husband brought home cheesecake and we read every comment on Saturday (I'm not up to date on reading past saturday night, that's what I'm doing now). Everyone here is an absolutely lovely human being and I can not state exactly how much every single comment has meant to me, even the few that were mean, and the few that were somewhat nonsensical. I've been reading everything. >My boss got back to the email I sent him that afternoon saying he was unaware of what the situation was and would look into it. I have not heard back yet although that makes sense as it was the weekend. I haven't contacted HR about this being harassment yet because I'm still feeling miserable, although much less so than I was on Friday. >I got a DM from a Newsweek employee who wanted an interview, which has made me a bit peevish this morning, and also very happy I decided to use a throwaway I can disavow instead of having "MY CHUNKY BELLY MADE THE NEWS" forever attached to my main account. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/u/ThrowAITAbabygift/s/QDTLNSZvQS) **Apr 1, 2023** **Tiniest of updates/resolution before I go back to my main account again:** A small treat for people who visit this profile, because after 2k comments I feel the need to leave a resolution, but I also feel that the resolution is more of a deflating balloon noise than anything else, so ye be warned, it's a lame ending. HR emailed on Tuesday asking if "we" could set up a meeting on Thursday, the "we" being me, my boss, and someone from HR. Also, this was a video call, because I no longer live in the area and that wasn't entirely clear in my first post, but to be fair to me, I was also not in the best of feelings while writing that one. HR lady (uncertain if it was the same woman from friday, I do not remember her name. I didn't anticipate needing to take notes when that call began) started it off by asking "did you ever tell any of your coworkers you were pregnant" and me going "no!" and then before I said anything else, HR lady saying something like "well that's all that then, we don't need you for anything else". Straight up dismissed like a small child. I asked something not at all articulate like "what do you mean this is over, this was apparently a Huge Hecking Deal???" and HR lady said it was all a "misunderstanding" and that apparently, only the one coworker who had set up the collection was upset to hear I wasn't actually pregnant, and she had only requested HER contribution back (which I'm calling BS on, because "return the thousand dollars" and "return her individual contribution to the total" do not sound alike, but WHATEVER.) and that coworker had retracted her request when boss spoke to her. So I asked what her contribution was, as even retracted, it was obviously a BIG ENOUGH ISSUE for her to raise it in the first place. HR and boss did not know, so Boss said he'd check and get back to me and that was that, I signed off the meeting and spent the rest of the day completely unable to focus on my own work. Ladies and Lads. It was $50. I put a check in the mail to the office attn: Coworker this morning, and I'm done with this whole thing. No idea what the rest of my old coworkers thought or how involved they actually were, I don't have contact with any of them. So many comments said to lie about a miscarriage to shame them or to get a lawyer and sue, but I don't feel morally right lying about that, and honestly, I don't want this to be a long and drawn out issue with lawyers and legalese, so I'm just calling it over and done at this point. I AM however saving my original post to reread the comments whenever I feel bad, because there were so many nice comments, and all the stories of other people also being told they look pregnant? I'm sorry that also happened to you, but I'm also... weirdly glad it did, because that means I'm not alone in the awful feelings and knowing that made this past week much softer to deal with. ILY, Reddit <3 **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

WIBTA for not returning $1000 gift given to me by coworkers "for my baby

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18jjq0n/wibta_for_not_returning_1000_gift_given_to_me_by/

18jjqpe

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/Theunpolitical **Friend lost out on a winning $1000 lotto ticket because of me, he's crying over money, and I don't feel guilty!** **Originally posted to** r/offmychest & r/CasualConversation **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!manipulation, financial abuse!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/4nCdFOrzII) **Sept 14, 2023** I'm part of a specialized friend group where we all share the same hobby *(not really a hobby but I don't want to give out personal identifying information if I state what it really was.)* I was really excited to join this group as I've been an avid hobbyist for over 6 years. I got to meet the entire group, minus "Mike", and we all got along great! It was an easy transition into the group and I was having a ton of fun. Finally about a month after joining, I met Mike. Mike was okay. Pretty tough to get to know. Like pulling teeth but I just kind of ignored it and kept moving on with everyone else. Meanwhile, Mike was really inconsistent with showing up to the twice a month group meetings so I didn't really get to know him. Throughout the years, Mike had an infamous birthday party that he would invite the group to, except for me. The first year, I was okay with it because I had just joined and was about 2 weeks in. Second year, I forgot about it until everyone was talking about it and then asked me why I didn't go. "Well, I wasn't invited!" Third year, same thing. I wasn't invited. So that one stung a little and I made it my mission to really try and get to know him a bit more; however, it's was never reciprocated and proved to be a difficult task. The problem was the guy runs hot and cold. He's overly dramatic on some days and quiet as a mouse on other days. One time he'll get mad if you hug him, another time he'll be in your face all excited telling you the latest new gadget he got. Then the next time you see him he's the complete opposite. Super huggy and barely talks. You'll ask him questions about himself and he will either give you one word or vague answers. This is not just to me but to everyone and you never know which Mike you will get on any given day. I finally asked the group about him and their thoughts and they all said EXACTLY what I said down to the letter. I followed up with: "Why is he with this group?" Technically, he was with the starting group members and has never left. So everyone just tolerates him. For our meeting just before his birthday, I got him a card, wrote him a nice sentiment, and bought $10 worth of scratchers. Brought it with me and he didn't show. Came home, told the hubby that I was disappointed, and a little mad that once again he doesn't show and that holds back the group dynamic for the evening. Also, he wasn't there for the third time in a row which is also a rule break within the group. So out of my frustration, I decided to scratch them off myself. To my surprise, every card was a winner. Technically won $1012. I was so excited. This is the fourth year and he celebrated his "Birthday Month" in August. Didn't invite me again but at this point I'm no longer offended or hurt by it. I don't want to go. It's almost mid-September and he's endlessly complaining on social media right now on how broke he is from the two parties he threw! Now, his car needs repairs totaling $1000 and he's basically crying for anyone to donate some money! I keep laughing at his posts because had he shown up to our meeting, he would have had the money to pay for his car repair! Also, no one in the group knew I brought a card and that I had some winning lotto tickets. **RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO FROM OOP** >He wrote in our private group chat asking for some financial help. I responded "I'm praying for you right now! 🙏" >Honestly, if he was a nicer person I would have held on to the card and lotto tickets for him. We have a meeting tonight and he's not going even though someone offered him a ride. **OOP ON IF THEY SHOULD TELL HIM** >He seems like the type that would hold a grudge or go off on a tyrant on how he is "owed" the money. Again, he's super dramatic and there is not telling on how he will react to the news. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualConversation/s/Q0iYHm2WEM) **Dec 9, 2023** Not sure if anyone remembers, or cares about, my previous post from a few months back but I have an update. One of the updates that happened in my previous post was that his Aunt gave him $1500 dollars to get his car fixed. He went shopping and bought a dog and a $200 outfit. So he still doesn't have a car but I belong to his social media and he easily gets around town and out of the city so he has some type of transportation but I know it's not his own car that needed repair. Now, onto an update that happened Wednesday. So this past week was our Secret Santa gift exchange. Wouldn't you know it, I got him and he got me. He didn't show up so now I'm without a gift exchange and I just said in my head: *"Screw it. I was prepared for this and bought something that I liked which were more lottery tickets."* I scratched them off in front of everyone and won $75. Super exciting. Everyone blasted it on social media. He contacted me this morning saying that he couldn't make it last night because his dog was sick and he had my gift ready. He was excited to receive the $75 because he really needed it. I didn't respond. Meanwhile, he posted on his social media that he was out with friends that night so I guess he forgot that we are connected on social media? Last night, we had a special meeting that was pre-planned for months. We did the Secret Santa exchange earlier in the week because we knew we wouldn't be able to celebrate it last night. He shows up, gives me a big hug, chit chats in the most friendliest way ever (which he has never done with me before so it just looks and feels like someone completely sucking up!) He eventually asks me directly for the money and doesn't even have the gift he's SUPPOSED to give me with him for an exchange. It's not like he had a backpack or bag that it was in. HIM: "Okay great. So where is the money I was to win for my gift exchange?" Me: "Oh don't worry about the gift exchange. I'm fine." and I walked away. That's all I said. It didn't even make complete sense to me when I thought about it later but it left him dumbfounded. He tried to complain about it to the others in the group but they were just not having it. With no collaboration, they all said basically the same thing: "You hardly ever show up and when you do you are not 100% in. You rarely talk to TheUnpolitical when she is here and now you want her to hand over $75 for a gift you were not even here for? She had nothing to open and was left out. She owes you nothing! I have a feeling that this will not be the last I will hear of it but I will stand my ground! Thanks for reading. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **BazingaBen** >The gaul of someone to turn up and ask for money, all for just 75 dollars as well. No shame at all. **OOP** >>LOL, that's how I felt. We've had somewhere around 9 meetings since my last post and he only came to one. The one where we all picked secret santa names. For him not to show up was not surprising because he's insanely infrequent but it did suck that everyone had a fun gift to open but me. I was really looking forward to it. I had no issues with enjoying mine and I still had a really great time that night. * **hantuseram** >I wonder what kind of reaction you'd get if he knew about the $1000. **OOP** >>I had a feeling that he would have gone way into the dramatics if I told him about the 1K. He is just a draining person to begin with so keeping that quiet felt like the best option. And it was great, I had a bill that I was trying to pay off forever and that covered it. >>When we had the gift exchange on Wednesday, I knew I would have everyone's support if I won anything. I thought the most I would get would have been a free ticket but $75 wasn't bad at all. That's gas or a weeks worth of groceries for me so no complaints! * **zjl707** >Imagine surrendering your self respect over $75... **OOP** >>Exactly! Which made his chatty conversation with me super disgusting! I was creeped out and grossed out all at the same time. It was so obvious that all I was thinking was that I desperately wanted to leave his presence and the conversation. So I did with my weird comment. * **BrewUO_Wife** >Can I buy some lotto tickets for you to scratch off for me and split the proceeds 50/50? Lol. I need your lotto luck! **OOP** >>Actually, I keep buying them at the same Walmart by my house when leaving the store. I normally end up with some type of winnings but I don't consistently play all the time. I have always loved giving Lottery tickets as gifts because no one ever gets deflated when receiving it plus it gives them the hope to win something! **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Friend lost out on a winning $1000 lotto ticket because of me, he's crying over money, and I don't feel guilty!

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18jjqpe/friend_lost_out_on_a_winning_1000_lotto_ticket/

18k9nae

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/East-Fortune-1595 **AITAH for telling my ex to fuck off and not contact me again after we broke up?** **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional manipulation, drug overdose due to suicide attempt, institutionalization, mental health issues, severe depression!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/rIUFnPiMpf)  **Nov 29, 2023** Me [24m] and my ex [26] were both from the same friend group and to keep it simple after a while we dated for some months. During the relationship she would always want to do some really dangerous stuff (hike, bang jump, car races) and honestly I am not the person for that and would have days absolutely terrified for her life, so after one of her friends got a serious injury I put my foot down and told her I couldn't live like that anymore, we got heated and she told me "I'm a boring sad person who will die alone" so I said "I hope yours hobbies have the consequences I expect them to have" and after that we both parted ways mad and never spoke again. We still are from the same friend group and we both while not speaking specifics just said "we couldn't compromise on something" and since then, as for the last 4 months I have not hang with them much as they are more her friends than mine. Issue came as one of my friends from this group asked me if I wouldn't mind he giving her my new number, as she wanted to "get closure" and I accepted because I didn't cared enough. So, she did call, and it started decently, just small talk, and she asked why I'm so reclusive now, nothing that mattered much, but soon enough, she started talking about her life. She spent a whole 25 minutes speaking about her new boyfriend, how she's able to do what she wants and how fun and amazing it is to have support on the things she liked, how much she missed out when we were together and that maybe I should change my views a little and my life would improve like hers did. I told her "ok" and she replied confused, quickly enough I said I couldn't care less for her new life and honestly to fuck off and never contact me again if she just wanted to brag (to be fair she wasn't really condescending with her tone but hearing from your ex how their life is so much better without you get into you). After that I blocked her and as quick as I blocked her all of my friends started texing me about how rude I was and that she was just making small talk and I shouldn't have been so angry that she's happy. So idk, I didn't think I was being an asshole, but I guess they do. AITAH for what I did? [Edit] Well the situation just got a little worse as all of these people I call "friends" are pressuring me into talking to her more, which I don't want to do so now they are pressuring me into going out tomorrow, and I'm not stupid so I know it's gonna end up with only the two of us speaking, I really didn't want to go but one of those guys is kinda that my boss girlfriend so I don't want to get on her bad side....I will update soon enough [Edit 2] Ok so I did as I said and hang out with them, and holy shit I'm going to make an update tomorrow because it got even fucking worse, I would like to update today but I'm currently typing this while my phone is being bombarbed, sorry to make this a cliffhanger but I will take a break from all before updating. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/UQqg2J4KDa)  **Dec 1, 2023** Sorry for the long text, but a lot happened to quickly, and as much as I tried to compress the text, there's too much stuff to say, sorry. Hello again friends, as I said before, I did went to hang out with them (more worried for my job than anything) and it went as I expected. I got there, oh wow what a surprise everyone was late except my ex, never saw that coming, and by what was clearly a coincidence the host had to buy something, leavin us both in the house, how unexpected right!! Seriously, can't believe I actually got set up, I knew I would but the fact it really happened, insane. As for what was said, we sat down very akwardly, then she actually said she was sorry (surprisingly) she said she acknowledged how she sounded like a bitch, but that she was sad I cut her out before she could say anything, after that we started to have a conversation about our relationship and whatnot. But I shit you not, the second I asked, "what about your boyfriend" she got dead silent and looked lost for some seconds before saying some randon info about him and randomly started telling me she actually missed me a lot and we complimented each other, her current boyfriend is too much like her and she feels in danger sometimes for not having someone who tries to be careful. It went like that until she noticed I wasn't really caring much for what she said and typed to someone, then out of LITERALLY NOWHERE all my friends ambushed me to tell me I should stop running (???) that if I continued to isolate myself and drive them away because I couldn't get over the break up was wrong and they are worried for me. I honestly got really overwhelmed with it and said I needed a break, then they tried to stop me saying this was an intervention and I can't run from it, I started to feel really bad and I thought I might have a panic attack, they noticed I was having problems breathing and let me in a room away. then they sent my ex to comfort me, and as much as I fucking hate to say it, it somehow worked, I hate that having her cuddle with me worked and I was able to go control myself again. After that I said I needed to go home and would speak with them later, she literally asked "can we try to get back together?" and all I did was say, "give me time to think" then I walked back home and my phone started receiving messages from everyone telling me I should give her a chance and that we clearly still had feelings. I honestly feel awful, I stated to actually doubt myself in it all, I'm still suffering with my anxiety almost making me explode, but I wanted to update before anything. I'm starting to think maybe I could give her another chance, but I quickly doubt that ideia, than I doubt the doubt, I feel like a mess and I honestly just want some help, maybe I could repost this in the relationship advice subreddit but idk. [Update 2](https://www.reddit.com/u/East-Fortune-1595/s/yoALtSbmSY)  **Dec 10, 2023** Well, been a while, I am alive at the very least so hello there. I literally just got my phone back and saw all the notifications of the last posts, I might read and comment on some of the last update later. So, needless to say, I had a mental breakdown and a very bad one at that. I don't remember much of the last week and days. I just woke up in a hospital and later was send to psychological evaluation before finally being able to leave...not alone tho. From what I heard, my "friends" got worried that I wasn't answering any of them and sent my ex to check on me, she apparently found me on the floor with some meds on the ground and called an ambulance, I don't recall any of that but there are the medical records so it seems to be real. After that, I was completely out, maybe comatosed idk, for about 3 days and when I woke up surprisingly enough she was sitting in the couch on the side of my medical bed, she started crying and apologizing for what she and they all did. It seems you guys were correct from what I read, it was all a grand plan to get us back together and make me less depressed. She explained how she felt like trash after we broke up and even stopped doing the dangerous stuff because she was feeling so down, and also that the supposed boyfriends obviously didn't existed and was a prop to try and make me jealous, after that didn't worked out with the call she went for the full blown plan of the ambush, they did expected me to get anxious but that I would later call her back and give my final decision. Well I guess they didn't expected me to have a mental breakdown and try what I did and their whole plan failed, by what I heard they actually thought they killed me indirectly and were all stressed and messed up for the 3 days I was gone, all of them getting medical leaves to spend time with my lifeless self. After I woke up they all came to see me and apologized as well, saying they had the experience as eye opening and would understand if I cut all contact with them all, after that I went to the psychological evaluation and was confirmed to be a threat to myself (pain in the ass) and was either gonna to have to go to a mental facility or have someone watch me 24/7. Because I have 0 contact with my family my ex asked me if I wouldn't mind if she was the one to be that person, I of course protested in the start but later decided it was best that than going to a mental facility again (I have been in these places often it's not fun at all). So that's how it is currently, we are living in her house (bigger than mine), She's been doing all of the work and chores while I do nothing and just keep my emotionless face, the girl who's dating my boss apparently is way more serious than I thought and they were engaged, so she made him give me my salary until I get better+ a up on it with the medical leave, something I do appreciate. I know I sound like a dumb prick to start living with her, but currently we have set boundaries, she haven't even touched my arm since after the hug when I woke up, she's kinda like a maid more than anything, we of course still speak and I can hear the guilt in her voice, she definitely didn't expected things to take this turn and is ready to accept it as it is, as she stated: "If you never gets better I'm ready to take care of you, if you do get better and wants to leave that's fine, if you are never able to love me back that's ok, it's my fault this happened" it seemed legit. For now, it works, I don't know how I feel now as the meds have made me really numb so I don't know if I care or not for her currently. maybe will be the last update, I will be answering any questions now tho, I got time to spare for it now. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITAH for telling my ex to fuck off and not contact me again after we broke up?

ONGOING

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18k9nae/aitah_for_telling_my_ex_to_fuck_off_and_not/

18k9nav

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Fair-Focus2005 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITA for immediately rejecting my husband’s idea to get a dog?** Trigger Warnings: >!cynophobia, past trauma, emotional manipulation!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ez85j/aita_for_immediately_rejecting_my_husbands_idea/?share_id=N7fu_Q0nTpjTGge-vzIxX&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 10, 2023** This is a throwaway account. Also sorry for any mistakes. I (34f) am happily married to my husband who we’ll call “Mike”, (35m) and we’ve been married for 12 years and have two children. (9f) and (7m). Now this doesn’t really matter so I’ll cut to the chase. I hate dogs. Now before people attack me this is because of an incident that happened when I was 19. Basically what happened was, when I was on my way home an unleashed dog attacked me and bit down on my ankle. and unfortunately it took a good amount of time for the owner to get the dog off me which resulted in a pretty good sized scar on my ankle. Since then I’ve been an active disliker of them. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate people with dogs and I won’t shame you for having one, I just don’t like being around them and distance myself when I’m near one if possible. So as you can imagine, when me and my husband first met he told me about how he liked dogs and how he wanted one in the future. I immediately told him that I hated dogs so it was best if we ended the relationship and move on with our lives, but he insisted that he could live without dogs and it was fine. So fast forward to today he asks if I want to get a dog. This surprised me and at first I asked if he was joking and when he said no I told him absolutely not. I told him how we had this conversation so long ago and my answer was never going to change. He then replied saying that he already told the kids there’s a chance we could get a dog but he has to ask me. I then said that we could get a cat, a gerbil or whatever but I wasn’t getting a dog. I then told him to tell the kids no because we weren’t gonna get one. Well he ended up telling them that we couldn’t get a dog because I said no, so now I’m seen as the bad guy and I’m just so fed up. But now I’m seriously wondering if I should just suck it up for my kids sake and just get one? I have no idea at this point so, Reddit AITA? Edit: Thank you to all of the people who commented I appreciate it, I also have made an update for those who want to see it! [update:](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18fcbnt/update_aita_for_immediately_rejecting_my_husbands/?share_id=H-QDgdWzVJ4pOyyJ1IbVx&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **hamigakiko:** NTA I would advise a kid appropriate conversation with your children about fears. Ask them about their fears (spiders, snakes, bullies, clowns, monsters etc) and ask how they would feel if you brought one of those into the house and were told you had to live with it. I would print out an emotion chart to help with this and point to your feelings. Ask why do you think this would be scary? Why would they feel angry? Why would they feel sad? Explain that for you, dogs are your fear. Explain the incident while pointing out the emotions on the chart and how it still makes you feel. Explain how you still want them to have a pet, but it would need to be from the other choices. This will help improve their emotional literacy and empathy, and will show them you are not ‘the bad guy’ - you are scared and want to feel safe, just like them. I don’t know what to do with your husband. I would feel so betrayed and misused by him. Talk to your children though. Children are often much more empathetic and open than adults. >**OP:** I’m definitely going to tell them about what happened and see if there are any alternatives for a pet other then a dog, thank you! &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18fcbnt/update_aita_for_immediately_rejecting_my_husbands/?share_id=H-QDgdWzVJ4pOyyJ1IbVx&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 10, 2023** Hi everyone, I’d just like to give a quick thanks to all of the people that shared their advice/judgement, I heavily appreciate it. Now, this morning I was able to talk to my husband and ask him why he told the kids they had a chance to get a dog. He then responded saying that he thought I was over with what happened to me and that him and the kids really wanted one. I then told him how I don’t want a dog and don’t think I ever will. After that we were able to chat for a good 30 minutes and agreed to settle for a different pet other than a dog. And as for my kids I sat them down and told them what happened to me and how I wasn’t comfortable with having a dog in the house. They took this surprisingly well but I could tell they were still a little sad. I then told them that we could settle for another pet of their liking which they were very happy with. They are currently still looking so any recommendations would be nice. And again I’d just like to make a thanks to everyone that commented even if I wasn’t able to see it. Thank you! &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **GroundbreakingLog906:** Putting family aside, have you ever considered getting help with your fear of dogs? Regardless of whether you ever get one or not, it's not good to go through life with phobias. >**OP:** After the incident I did go to therapy but then stopped. So now it’s just more of a dislike rather than fear. &nbsp; # **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITA for immediately rejecting my husband’s idea to get a dog?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18k9nav/aita_for_immediately_rejecting_my_husbands_idea/

18k9nqc

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/THROWRA17264T12G5BHN **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **My (21F) boyfriend (20M) wants to lie on his law school applications about how he's gay** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, mentions of racism, discussion of fraud, mentions of child abuse!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/188phul/my_21f_boyfriend_20m_wants_to_lie_on_his_law/?share_id=C8X5byD4w8DvNC-xdSvqp&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 1, 2023** tl;dr: • My boyfriend's Asian American, had a very high pressure (and I'm pretty sure physically abusive) childhood where his parents wanted him to go to an Ivy League university at all costs • He didn't get into any, and believes this is primarily due to his race and not his merits • Because of this, he thinks it's completely acceptable to lie on applications if merit isn't the primary factor anyway • His parents have continued to put pressure onto him to either get a prestigious job or go to a prestigious school for grad school • He seems to still want to please them • His application for law school is very good; our uni advisors think he's got a very good chance at getting into a top 10 law school • He wants to get into top 5, and suggested to me that he pretends that he's gay. He's bi, not openly, but definitely not gay (we're dating). • I said no, and after an argument, told him that I'll break up with him to pretend he's gay if that's how he wants to do it • My parents think I was too harsh • How should I deal with this? My boyfriend of 2 years is Asian American and had a very high pressure (and I'm almost completely sure physically abusive, but he'll never admit to anything of that nature) childhood to get into an Ivy League University for undergrad. He believes he was a more qualified applicant than everyone else in his class, but didn't get into any Ivy Leagues, including a case where he and his best friend at the time (a girl) were waitlisted together on one of them. She was called from the waitlist and told him it was definitely because of her race (white), gender, and because her family was able to pay full tuition whereas his wasn't able to pay really anything. She offered to decline it for him so that he could go instead, but he refused. edit: I didn't write that last part clearly enough. It wasn't a literal trade in opportunity offered by the university, but they were the only 2 students from that school (as far as they knew) to be waitlisted, the school was the largest in its geographic area, so they thought that he was next in line due to being a more qualified applicant on the objective stats, but less favorable in other areas. Obviously, we'll never know since he told her not to turn down the offer. But the whole experience left him extremely bitter about his chances in applying to anything, and he fully believes that lying on his application is acceptable insofar as he's not caught, because the primary thing he's judged on is his race anyway. Anyway, he's done extremely well for himself in college. Unless he really fucks up the interview (and he's gone to several mock interviews on the off chance that that was why he didn't get into the Ivy Leagues and passed with flying colors), he's practically guaranteed a spot at the top 40 law school at our university (in-state privilege), and our pre-law advisors told him he's got a great chance at top 10 (he doesn't believe they're being completely honest). However, he's not interested in top 10. He's interested in top 5. I think it's because of his mom primarily, who I know calls him every 3 days and seems to barely ask about his life and instead asks about the status of his application, where he's thinking of applying, etc. He actually really loves his mom and says that she was nice to him, but from what he's told me, she was just not as bad as his dad. It makes me sick to my stomach to realize that after everything he's done and went through, he still wants the approval of his parents. After a particularly long call yesterday, he seemed thoughtful and distracted for most of the night, and then he came back to me today to ask if I'd be okay with him taking off pictures of me from his social media and I edit captions/delete certain pictures to make it seem like we're just friends, not dating. I asked why, and he said that he thinks the best move for him is to say that he's gay on his application. He showed me some drafts to the personal essay questions that he wrote up about being gay. They're all really insightful and everything, but it's not completely true and authentic to his life. The crazy thing is that he's bisexual! He doesn't tell almost anyone because he's afraid his parents will disown him if they find out, but he reluctantly showed me some pictures of his ex boyfriend from our freshman year of college when we were talking about our exes. I asked him why he doesn't just say that, because that's actually true. He laughed and said that nobody will care about that, and then went into an explanation about the "epistemic contract of bisexual erasure," which actually kinda made sense. I actually don't care about taking down social media posts or whatever. It's only temporary, and even if it's not for whatever reason, we'll still have those pictures. But the reasoning is what I don't like, so I told him point blank that I wanted to support him as much as I could, but I wouldn't do it for his "outdated need to please his parents." We argued for a bit, until I just said that I'd be happy to pretend he's gay by breaking up with him, but nothing in between. He looked hurt by that and said we should go back home (we don't live together) and think about it again. I told my parents, who love him, and they actually surprisingly seemed torn about whether lying about being gay was really that bad, but they did agree that threatening to break up with him was too far. I was completely floored by this. So now I'm turning to the Internet. I know playing up the things you did is a standard part of applications, but this just seems too far. If it's not too far, though, then yeah I crossed a line by threatening to break up. What do you think? &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **everythingissalsa:** The bottom line is that your boyfriend asked you to lie about something you weren’t comfortable lying about. You said no. You get to do that. A good partner won’t pressure you to do something you don’t think is right. I don’t think it really matters whether his lie is objectively morally right or a good idea. There are intersecting marginalities here that would require a lot to unpack. There’s also a lot that goes into the risk/reward decision of lying on a law school application. You didn’t want to participate so you set a boundary and offered him an out. I think you should continue to stand your ground and stay true to what you think is right here. >**OP:** Realistically, he didn't actually need to tell me anything. He could've just privated his accounts and that would've been good enough for the purpose of if any admissions committee looked up his social media unless they somehow and for whatever reason tracked me down too (extremely unlikely). > >The only thing he actually needed me to do is to not email the schools he's applying to and saying "HE'S NOT GAY," which I wouldn't do anyway, and wouldn't have even considered doing had he not told me. > >So paradoxically I actually appreciate that he's being honest with me for once after dodging pretty much any question about serious stuff with his home life. He definitely has trust issues, and I'd feel pretty shitty about myself if I just made them worse over something that actually wasn't that bad. > >So to me, it does matter if this is fairly benign, like exaggerating how many people are a part of the pre-law club he's president of (his application says ~500 members, which is true of the # of people on the email list, but only like 50 show up to meetings), or if it's worse than the standard selling yourself on your application. > >If it was something like him lying about his competencies, then I'd have no part of that. I don't know if I'd go so far as to alert the schools he's applying to, but I would definitely break up with him. > >I don't know if lying about being gay is on that level, and I'm getting mixed messages. **malonine:** Is it unfair to say he didn't get into an Ivy League for undergrad because he is always trying to find a way around doing the actual work? >**OP:** Yes, he showed me his college applications when I told him it was pretty shitty to say that he got denied from Ivy Leagues because he was Asian. He was valedictorian at his high school, made Intel ISEF, scored well on the AIME but not well enough to qualify for USAMO, perfect ACT/SAT, and everything else you'd generally expect from someone that gets accepted into an Ivy League (club leadership/community service/athletics etc). His essays were good and remind me of the papers we write now for our third year of college. > >He did admit that he was a little socially awkward before coming to college, so maybe he flubbed the interview, but it's hard to imagine that he messed it up that badly compared to the weight of everything else on his application. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18ey8d7/update_my_21f_boyfriend_20m_wants_to_lie_on_his/?share_id=zhjmhzhAItFGiyCuV4PUT&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 10, 2023** Thanks everyone for the advice. Both of us were busy with finals so we agreed not to talk about it until we were finished, and most of our time together was just studying anyway. After our last finals yesterday, we sat down and talked. He said that he wasn't going to put that on his application and that I didn't need to do anything like take any pictures down. He apologized and said that he was in the wrong to prioritize our relationship below something that would only give him a marginal advantage, if there's any advantage at all. We've been dating for 2 years and he thinks that there's real potential for us to be the rest of our lives type thing. That should've taken priority. So that was good. Then I started asking him some questions along the lines of what I saw commenters say, and he was confused, then got angry. He correctly guessed that I'd posted on Reddit about it. He was really unhappy about that, but he said he'd pretend like that didn't happen as long as I don't do it again. So I guess this is my last time posting here. He said no to pretty much everything commentors suggested (therapy, cutting contact with parents), but he did say that if there was a situation where he needed to choose between having a relationship with his parents and having a relationship with me, he'd choose me. It wasn't everything I was hoping for, but it's a good start. I'm hoping I don't have to go through this again in the future. &nbsp; #**THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

My (21F) boyfriend (20M) wants to lie on his law school applications about how he's gay

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18k9nqc/my_21f_boyfriend_20m_wants_to_lie_on_his_law/

18k9ntk

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/ComprehensiveSale863](https://new.reddit.com/user/ComprehensiveSale863/). She posted in r/TwoHotTakes. **Mood Spoiler:** >!yikes, but OOP will be ok!< **Original** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/18ekpvs/aita_for_refusing_to_sit_at_the_kids_table_at_my/)**: December 9, 2023** My (f28) husband (m30) and I were invited to my husbands brothers wedding in the new year. For some context, we do not live in the same country as his family (we live in the US and they live in the UK) and we are trying to save for a house, so we really weren’t planning on going on a holiday this year. Wedding is in July 2024. Truth be told I am rather excited for this trip (I love his family and the UK) but my husband is stressed as it’s going to cost us a lot of money (upwards of $5000 including flights, hotel at the wedding venue, trains, etc.). Also for some more important back-story info, my husbands family hate each other. I mean a nasty divorce that led to parents not speaking to each other for years. Most of the siblings including brother in law sided with the mom in the divorce. However my husband has made it a point to not choose, and is very close to both parents still. Both parents have new families with younger kids. Now, three months ago, my husbands mother told us that we would be sitting at the table with all the other siblings (most siblings are under 15 years old. The youngest is 8). My husband asked if we could potentially sit with his dad’s side of the family, or his grandparents who we are very close to. However his mother told him that we are the only neutral family members so therefore we need to sit with the siblings as this is their first time meeting. The wedding party is worried about potential family drama arising. My husband and I were fine with this as long as we are sitting together. However, a few days ago my brother in law asked my husband to be a groomsmen to which he accepted. I was thrilled for my husband as he isn’t super close to his brothers. I asked where I will be sitting now that he would be at the wedding party’s table. My husband just shrugged and said they likely won’t move tables around that much. I asked the bride, who said I was still sat with the siblings. I asked politely if I could be moved to the table with the grandparents (again I am extremely close to them). The bride politely told me that I am the only neutral party who has met all the siblings, so I could manage the questions and potential arguments arising. Again, this is the first time they are all meeting. I told her that I appreciate this is something that is worrying her, but I am not spending thousands of dollars to be a babysitter. She said she understood but the seating is final. We argued a little more but she ended the argument by saying I should be happy to be sitting with the kids because I work with kids and I should be flattered the family trusts me enough with this responsibility. I began to argue but the bride snapped that if I hated kids this much I shouldn’t have become a teacher. Please don’t get me wrong, I love his siblings. But they are all at least 15 years younger than I am. I also love kids, I am a teacher, but I want to relax and have a good time at this wedding. I also forgot to mention there will be cousins and kids from the brides family at the table as well. I just made up my mind I will not be sitting at the kids table. I am going to wander the reception, drink and have a good time. I will be pulling up a chair with the grandparents. I do not think it’s a big ask for me to be moved to a table, but maybe I am wrong. My mom and husband think I am overreacting, and I should just sit with the kids. But my co workers and friends think I should not be forced to babysit and/or manage potential family fights. So aita? Edit: wow Reddit this post is getting some attention. More than I thought haha. I thought I should clarify a few things. 1.) unfortunately we bought the plane tickets already and they are not refundable or a refund would have been my first choice 😅 2.) they never formally labelled this table as the kids table. They refer to it as the “siblings table.” My husband has three younger full- brothers (including the groom) and they are adults. None of them are sitting at the “siblings” table. This table is completely made up of half-siblings that are 15 and under. I am the one who is calling a spade a spade. I showed my husband this thread, who agreed with you all that I am being treated unfairly. I do want to add my husband did tell his brother that if I was sitting at the “siblings” table, he could not be a groomsmen already. I told him to not worry about this AFTER my argument with the bride. It’s clear they want me there regardless, and that’s my frustration. My husband and I are having a conversation with them later today, I will update ya’ll on the outcome! Edit 2: I have given you all an update. It’s a bit of a crazy story, lots happened and someone this small issue turned into a huge one. Please see it on my profile, I can’t link for some reason. ***Relevant Comments:*** *More on family drama:* "The whole family situation is complicated. The brides family also hates each other. We got eloped for this reason! Too much drama." *Could you just eat there and not go back to that table after?* "I did debate this. But my fear is I would be blamed if anything happened to the kids if I left them." *Who tf has a kid's table at a wedding instead of kids sitting with their parents* "You aren’t the first person to say this! I think it’s because the kids are all technically siblings. I should clarify they never formally said kids table, they said “table with the siblings and the siblings cousins” to me. I read between the lines 😅" **Update** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/18fdvwe/update_aita_for_refusing_to_sit_at_the_kids_table/)**: December 10, 2023 (Next Day)** I cannot link my original post, I am sorry about that! But for those who haven't been following, my post is still up! Alright first of all I want to thank you for all the support and advice on my original post. I read every single response. I even showed my husband who agreed that this situation was simply ridiculous, and that the bride was using me as free childcare. It turns out the issue was deeper than just wanting free childcare so bear with me. This is going to be a LONG update as lots of stuff happened yesterday and this morning, but before I get into the update, I need you all to understand some background info: My husband is the second oldest in the family, with two younger full brothers. He has five half-siblings. The oldest sibling (we will call him John) cut ties with the family completely about five years ago. My husband and I met 10 years ago while I was studying abroad in the UK. We moved back and forth between the US and the UK for six years before we got eloped and moved permanently to my home state. His mother has never been supportive of my husband’s decision, but she has come to terms with it over the years. His two younger full-brothers have always been giant mamas boys. They both live within a five-mile radius of their mom’s house. My husband is very good at setting boundaries with his family which has led to tension between him, his mother and brothers. The brothers would often make awful comments about how my husband loves their father more than their mother, and that he broke his mother’s heart when he moved away. His brothers have never outright been rude to me, but it is blatantly obvious I am not in their inner circle. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty details of all the fights between my husband, his father, his mother and his brothers, but to sum it up his brothers 99% of the time choose the mom. I mean Christmas, birthdays, family vacations, etc. The other 1% of the time usually ends with someone making an inappropriate joke about the divorce followed by massive blow-up to which my husband gets in the middle, trying to solve the problem. My husband and I mostly spend time with my family as they are close by, but when we do visit is family we try to divide our time with each family fairly. The bride and groom are very close with the mother. So close that the bride has asked my husband’s mother to walk her down the aisle. Okay so here is the update: My husband and I zoomed with the bride and groom yesterday to address our concerns. For those who told me just to sit at the table because they are likely stressed with the wedding planning, I helped plan my sister’s wedding, so I know moving one seat is not a big deal. AND I only asked because my husband wasn’t sitting with me anymore. The bride just said that she confirmed with the rest of the family that “the siblings” will all be under my care during the reception. I asked if it would just be my husband’s siblings to which my brother in law said “we don’t know yet. There are other family members coming and cousins who might want to sit with their cousins.” I would then say “so this is the kids table” and my brother in law would say “that’s not important.” I finally asked, “are you going to blame me if any family drama comes up?” My brother-in-law just said, “that’s why you are there, to prevent family drama.” So, you were all right about that. Okay Reddit this is where things got interesting. For those who said we were being punished – bingo. The bride adds my mother-in-law into the chat. She tells me to stop being selfish, and that if I had a problem with being at the siblings table, it’s clear I have a problem being in the family. She also said, if I am not willing to mediate potential family related questions and problems that might arise, I clearly do not care about my brother-in-law and his bride. And that I want to create problems on their big day. My husband was shocked, and asked what makes her say that. My mother-in-law then says that its clear I have been manipulating my husband away from her family. She accused me of siding with his father in the divorce, and that ever since my husband met me we have been spending more time with his father’s side of the family. (I want to mention that their divorce happened almost 20 years ago, and we rarely talk to his father). Her only evidence to this accusation was that I am not willing to openly side with her. I was completely shocked by these accusations. My husband said that these accusations are rude and inappropriate, and demanded my mother-in-law apologize, or he will be cutting her off like John did. Mother-in-law started crying. The bride chimed in that we never included them in our wedding (we eloped) and that this was my opportunity to prove myself as a dedicated member of the family. Obviously this blindsided me as I genuinely had no idea they felt this way. I always go above and beyond for Christmas and birthday gifts, when we visit I ensure I dote on their children, and I always take the ladies of the family out for a ladies brunch. I can understand our wedding situation is upsetting, but if my mother-in-law had voiced this to us four years ago we would have hosted a small ceremony or family celebration. My mother-in-law adds that since I wasn’t willing to deal with the family drama at our wedding, I should be willing to deal with it for my brother-in-law. I just sat there, jaw on the floor. My mother-in-law snapped saying she knew the type of person I was from the second I excluded her from her son’s wedding, and I am a selfish manipulator who wanted to steal her son from her and destroy her family, and that my husband in enabling me by not insisting I put the family’s needs before my own enjoyment and babysit the kids during her other sons big day. She was hoping my “meltdown” would show my husband what kind of person I was. Needless to say, we ended up fighting for a few more minutes before my husband slammed the computer screen down. My husband and I chatted for a moment, he apologized for his family and reassured me he knows none of those things his mother said were true. We turned our phones off and had a date night. John (m32), my husband’s older brother, got in contact with us through Instagram this morning. His wife gave me a call, and we talked for hours about what happened. Apparently, the reason they left the family was because my mother-in-law did something similar to John’s wife, we will call Sandy (f32). Sandy didn’t want a big wedding due to drama on her family’s side and decided to have a small ceremony with their friends. She invited my mother-in-law who refused to attend because my father-in-law would be there. Mother-in-law threatened Sandy she would make sure John left her if Sandy didn’t exclude John’s father from the wedding. Sandy didn’t listen and went through with their wedding as planned. Mother-in-law accused Sandy of cheating and baby trapping John (Sandy was pregnant at the time). My mother-in-law stalked Sandy and took photos of her out with her friends and with her brother, sending them to John as “proof” of her infidelity. Mother-in-law posted these photos to Facebook captioning it “caught you, cheater.” Relatives began harassing both John and Sandy. John and Sandy moved away and blocked everyone, and has not been in contact with mother-in-laws side of the family ever since. I don’t remember this at all as I had only been with my husband for a year, and he didn’t want me involved with his family drama. Obviously, I feel awful that this happened to John and Sandy, but they assured me they forgive both me and my husband. Long story short, Sandy and John are still in contact with the father (how they found out about our situation). John and my husband had a long phone call this morning, to which my husband apologized for enabling his mother. My husband has gone no-contact with his mother and brothers (for now) and we are going to use our trip to visit my old friends from uni, and visit John and Sandy! I am really excited to meet them. For those who made it this far, thank you for reading. This small problem ended up revealing a much larger issue. I am very thankful for this community for pushing me to push back. Sometimes I can be a little shy and overly forgiving. Looking back, the signs were all there and I just ignored them. I am very hurt as I really want to have a relationship with my husband’s family, but I know I deserve better. Again, thank you, and if anything else happens I will keep you all updated.

AITA for refusing to sit at the kids table at my Brother-in-laws wedding?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18k9ntk/aita_for_refusing_to_sit_at_the_kids_table_at_my/

18k9nxw

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [amme04](https://www.reddit.com/user/amme04/). She posted in r/AITAH. I replaced letters with names. **Trigger Warnings:** >!attempted murder; domestic violence;!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!utterly infuriating and bleak!< **Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/187g4mc/aitah_for_believing_my_daughter_over_a_grown_man/)**: November 30, 2023** I don’t know if i watch too many crime shows or if I’m just paranoid so I’ve come here to ask. Last week I made chicken gnocchi soup. When it was almost done I started helping my daughter with a school project. She got us both a bowl and a few seconds later my bf runs into the room with a bowl and tells me to eat the bowl he has. I told him it was all the same and he insisted that he wanted mine because it had more chicken. Thinking back now I don’t know how he would know that considering my daughter dished it out. My daughter took the bowl he gave me and said she would eat it. He yanked it out of hand and said “no it’s for mom”. I took the bowl and he went to the living room. I continued doing my daughter's project and told her not to eat the soup. 20ish minutes later I walked into the kitchen to pour the soups out and he was still eating his. He asked why we didn’t eat any and I said the cat got into it while we were waiting for it to cool down. He screamed “WHAT!? Was it your bowl !?! Cats can’t eat that!?”. I told him it was only a lick but he has been stressed out watching the cat like a hawk, obsessive even. His reaction was very weird. *These "accidents" all happened before the soup incident over the span of 6 months. It wasn't one after another in a short period of time.* Since then my emergency money has gone missing. I keep money hidden just in case. I lost my older sister because she wasn’t able to escape a dangerous situation and I literally swore on her grave I would never be in that position. After the soup incident I went to get my money and it was gone. It was hidden and I changed the location every few months. I asked my daughter if maybe she found it and that if she took it I wouldn’t be mad because I knew she couldn’t have spent it. She said no. A few hours later she tells me she forgot but the other day her and my bf got pulled over and she saw my pink wallet in his glove box. I did not tell her which wallet it was in or that it was in a wallet. I decided to ask him if he found it by accident. He asked me why I was hiding a large amount of money, “you know you could never leave me” and laughed. (He has never said anything like that before). I told him it was for my daughters Christmas. He said no he didn’t find the money but could use his credit card for gifts. I didn’t tell him about my daughter seeing my wallet in his car. Now here are a few other things that have happened in the past few months that seemed random at the time but now they don’t. I have a severe allergy to latex. One day we were about to have sex and I glanced at the mirror we have by our bed and saw the condom wrapper was a different color. I stopped him because it wasn’t latex free and he said it was a mistake and just an older one he had. We have been dating for over 2 years and he knows how serious my allergy is. My epipen that I keep in my room is missing and I didn’t realize it. **I didn't realize it was missing until I was searching for my money.** Another odd thing is one day he was following me down the stairs while I was carrying laundry and he kicked the back of my leg and I fell. He said he slipped but the stairs are wood and he was wearing his steel toe boots. At the time I thought it was an accident. Am I overthinking this? My anxiety has been at an all time high. Do I watch too much true crime? Here is why I think I might be the asshole. We have a good relationship. He loves my daughter like she is his. We split all shared bills and we both pull our own weight around the apartment. We don’t fight. He has never so much as raised his voice at me. We are paycheck to paycheck but bills are paid. I thought about going to my moms house for a few days and asking him when I get there when I’m safe about the money but I don’t have money to do that now. She is on a fixed income and can't help. I feel stupid for being scared. Last night I decided to check his car for my wallet and he caught me. I asked him for my money back and he tried playing dumb. I told him my daughter saw it there. He told me she was lying. I told him I never told her about the money or what wallet. He said he was a grown man and kids lie all the time. I asked him once more for my money and he said “I’m not giving you money to leave me”. I waited until he was in the shower to grab my cat and my daughter and we left. I can’t take my cat with us to a shelter and the DV shelters are full. I was able to get us a night at a cheap motel. This exact situation is why I had money saved. I did everything right and now I’m screwed. I feel like I just blew up my entire life. Yes I'm using a burner account and reading all the comments that I can. ***Relevant Comments:*** *The red flags are so obvious here:* "In my defense the few odd accidents seemed like a genuine accident until the soup thing. It really really freaked me out and that is when I started thinking." *Yeah the soup incident is very shady:* "That is what made me start thinking about the other "accidents" and putting the pieces together. I thought I just watched too many true crime shows but everyone's response confirmed I'm not just paranoid." *In order to believe this I have to think you're a moron. Like, I had to stop reading at the staircase incident:* "Have you ever accidentally stepped on your dog's foot, were you trying to kill your dog? No. That is what I thought at the time, it was an accident." *Several people accuse this of being obviously fake because events escalated too quickly and why would she be posting on reddit for advice:* "I'm not a character in a anonymous fucking story. I wasn't looking for advice, I was looking for confirmation I wasn't paranoid. You bet your ass I left as soon as he said my daughter was lying. Fuck off" ***There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but it was pretty obviously NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18b29xf/update_aitah_for_believing_my_daughter_over_a/) **1: December 4, 2023 (4 days later)** A TL:DR; I think my boyfriend put something in my soup. After that incident I remembered a few months ago he almost used a latex condom knowing I’m severely allergic and I also remembered when he “accidentally” knocked me down the stairs. I started piecing things together and realized my epi pen was gone as well as a large amount of money I had hidden. My daughter saw my old wallet in his glove box and he denied it. My post got alot of attention and my account was shadowbanned for a few days. I was able to appeal and get my account back because I’m not a bot or some AI. Now for the update. The day after we left he sent me a picture of my epi pen and tried telling me it was in my nightstand the whole time. I tore that room apart looking for it so I KNOW for 100% fact it wasn’t there. He took it. He tried getting me to come back telling me I scared myself stupid and watched too many true crime TV. Something didn't feel right so I told him to put my money and epi pen in the mailbox. We went back and forth and he denied having my money. He then said “If we broke up you and Maria (my daughter) are no longer allowed in my apartment and will be treated like trespassers” and sent me a pic of his target practice sheets. I went to the police about the money and was told it was a civil issue. I was upset but wanted the rest of my stuff so I asked for an escort. Yesterday I finally got an escort into the apartment with a cop and my landlord. He destroyed everything of my daughters and he ruined the laptop charger I use for work. No epi pen. My daughters medication and back up medical supplies were ruined. Our landlord let me off the lease without having to pay an early termination fee which is great considering I have no money. Motels are expensive. I don’t want to get rid of our cat. All shelters are full and this is scary as shit. I’m sorry this is a shitty update but I know people wanted it. ***Relevant Comments:*** *There has to be something that can be done about your daughter's meds:* "I'm beyond angry that nothing can be done. Insurance won't cover her medications or supplies until next month. She JUST got refills. I can get her meds but I'll pay out of pocket. I have no money. Since I couldn't prove my money existed I can't prove he stole it. I'm livid." *Restraining order?* "Nope not unless he gets physical with me. I should have let him hit me and I would have a lot more help available which is so fucked up." *Why are the police so useless?* "I wouldn't say useless. I did get a police escort to get the rest of my stuff." **Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18f0zpx/final_update_aitah_for_believing_my_daughter_over/) **2: December 10, 2023 (6 days later, 10 days from OG post)** My OP got a lot of attention but then my account got shadowbanned and was temporarily removed. I just updated 5 days ago but this will be my final update because there is nothing anyone can do. I was encouraged to go back to the police station after my last update. On Saturday December 9th I went back AGAIN. This time I printed out the threatening text messages that included the target practice sheets he sent, I explained in detail about the “accidents” proving he was trying to hurt me, and I even had my landlord put in writing that he believed our lives were in danger after seeing everything I was showing the police and let me leave my lease early. I brought in the destroyed medical supplies and medications. The police said they had already talked to him and said he didn’t do any of it. He told them my daughter probably destroyed her stuff because she is “special ed”. She has very mild Asperger's but doesn’t destroy things! Since it was his word against mine they believed him. I didn’t have proof he stole the money or that it even existed in the first place. I was told the epi pen was my responsibility and they won’t do anything if it’s lost. I was told to “let it go” and acted like I was bothering the police with my “petty civil issues”. I am so defeated and angry. My daughter isn’t going to have gifts for Christmas because I have to save for a new deposit on an apartment. We have been staying in motels while I was reaching out to DV resources. I can’t get help without a restraining order/ police report. Every place is out of funds. He is getting away with everything and I’m so glad we got out because there is no doubt in my mind he would have gotten away with my murder. I know this sounds like my last update but that is what happened…nothing new. No justice. No repercussions for him. He gets to stay in the apartment. My landlord offered me another unit across town but I can’t afford to move in. This exact situation is why I had money stashed away because no one has ever cared about me/us and I knew that. There is nothing else I can do. **Editor's note:** OOP posted in another sub with the exact same information as above and no new update. However, she did add this clarification about shelters: "All shelters are full. I found an organization who helps DV victims with housing but only if you have a police report and a restraining order. I guess they are tired of victims going back to their partner, safety reasons, or something. I was denied a restraining order because I had no proof. I’m scared, exhausted, and disappointed."

AITAH for believing my daughter over a “grown man”?

ONGOING

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18k9nxw/aitah_for_believing_my_daughter_over_a_grown_man/

18k9o4o

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/glitt3rbunni **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **He still has his exes nudes** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional abuse and manipulation, possibly revenge porn, racial and orientation fetishization, infidelity!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/17sfrp4/he_still_has_his_exes_nudes/?share_id=Hw24ys88CQV9u1K6xBHJB&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Nov 10, 2023** Am I in the wrong for feeling upset. This is my first relationship (it’s one of them when you’re basically together, but no labels, we go to different unis so distance makes it hard, and other things too like him lying and being on dating apps when we said we were exclusive) Admittedly I am an insecure person, I don’t let it bother me on the daily, but when I see pictures of his ex I hate myself. This started when he kinda would bring her up a lot. I thought it was kinda weird, but they were together for 3 years. I found out her name through him talking about her, found her Instagram. She could be a Victoria Secret model, and I’m not exaggerating. She is very beautiful. I’m not saying I’m ugly, but I’m definitely nowhere near her. She’s an easy 10/10, he said his friends would refer to him as the ‘one with the fit bird’. Not a fan of that language, but they’re right. I’m a 6/10, 7 on a good day. I’m not ugly, but I’m not beautiful. It upsets me a lot. It makes me feel very bad about myself. I’ve tried my hardest to get over it, he says he is done with her. But he still has all her pictures, they broke up well over a year ago, maybe 2 years ago. He still has all the pictures including her explicit pictures. I have now seen this woman’s pictures and yeah I definitely hate myself now. Why does he still have her pictures? Am I crazy for being upset over this? Am I letting my insecurities get to me? Is this normal? I get having a few pictures for memory sake, but to keep lewd pictures of the woman you claim you feel nothing for. I don’t know… All I do know is I feel bad, things are great with us, he is so funny and caring. And I feel comfortable with him. I don’t feel comfortable with many people. For example, instead of going home, he stayed with me, went to the shop and we cooked his home foods together to make sure I’d eat. And I know he really does care for me. He comforts me while I cry about my passed father. He listens to me when I need to rant. He always seems excited to see me. So I think that it’s just in my head. But if he really did love/ like me, surely he wouldn’t do all those things, and he wouldn’t want to wait till December (this has been going on since February) to put labels on it. But it’s so hard to try and ignore his lying over the dating apps, how quickly he got with someone else when we we split (he wasted no time, not even a week later he was just with someone else, but fair enough because we weren’t together, but it still hurts). It stings because he expressed how he loved me and he wouldn’t. It made me doubt the genuineness of words going forth. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if he didn’t say such things. Like yeah it would sting, but I would get on with it. Because I do have feelings for him, and I’m a bit naive when it comes to relationships. And this thing with his gorgeous ex… I don’t fear them getting back into together, I think he is so so beautiful, but she is way out of his league. I’ll be so real, can’t even call her a 10/10 she’s scale breaking. She had always been pretty, but she had that break up glow up. Think of Eastern European models, she could easily be one if she isn’t already on her way. They’re never getting back together, plus he tells me it was a toxic relationship and neither of them would ever want to get back together. And (I stalked), she has a boyfriend. But I feel not enough, if I was enough he wouldn’t keep those type of pictures of her. Or make a big deal about deleting them like saying he can’t be bothered. Here are some other 🚩 in retrospect: • He tried to give me his ex’s shirt to wear. • He told me he loved me before we met in person, when we first met, and at random points throughout our time together. I feel as though he told me that specifically when things were ending between us and I would stay bc the idea of someone loving me is foreign and I didn’t think it would happen to me. • I met him in hinge lol… • I caught him twice on dating apps, he said he wouldn’t do it again the first time and he was only doing it for a confidence boost. But he promised he would delete them. And then a week or so later I found him still active on the apps. • He would consistently mention other girls to make me jealous. • He would waste my time, telling me to stay up so we could call, and then never calling me or making me stay up really late when I told him I’d be very busy the next day. I asked him if he could at least text me if he isn’t able to call so I can do other things or go to bed instead of staying up like an excited kid on Christmas Eve. • Low-key fetishised my race and sexuality. I thought it was a joke, but he referenced both things a lot. To the point it made me uncomfortable. I mentioned this to him, that I thought it was weird and I’m more than just bisexual and mixed black & white. Update: • He claims he just hasn’t gotten round to deleting them, but told me he deleted all pics of her on snapchat? and he has loads of photos in his camera roll so he doesn’t see them. But imo, he should’ve deleted them, not even for my sake but hers. Especially if he has already taken the time to delete them on snap. I think it’s weird to keep them kinda pictures of someone you’re no longer with and haven’t spoken to in nearly 2 years. I don’t think her or her boyfriend would appreciate him having them pictures. I know I certainly don’t. • I’m kicking him out and ending it this morning, he made me feel bad by saying I’m all he has. But I’m trying to respect myself and stick with it. I have a bad habit of taking him back when he upsets me, because I tell myself I’m being dramatic. But I don’t feel respected and with everyone reinforcing what I’ve been thinking. I do thinks it’s time to get rid of him. I think he it is just hard because he is a lot of my firsts. • Lastly, I do agree I need to work on my self esteem. And I have, I’ve made tremendous growth compared to where I was. I can leave the house, I can entertain the idea of dating, I don’t fixate on stupid superficial things. I am a POC that grew up in very white areas in the 2000-2010s, unfortunately a lot of what I don’t like about myself was instilled because I was different. I never saw representation of people who looked like me. Like having very coily hair. I had this disgusting notion built into my head that because I’m mixed I should at least have loose soft curls and a lighter complexion and green/ blue eyes. I hate that I ever thought that, it’s so stupid. But now I wear my natural coily hair out, I don’t have to try and cover up my face to try and hide it and the fact I can say I know I’m not ugly is substantial growth from my childhood to teen years. I’m actually extremely proud and thankful for my mixed heritage. Thank you all for your words. Update update: I wanted him back, I have issues I know, he doesn’t want me. That’s it. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **PuddingIdjit:** If he is on dating apps while in a committed relationship, then he’s not committed. Many cheaters make their SO feel special when they are around them. It’s kind of manipulation. They also make their side pieces feel that way. As for the nudes, I think it’s inappropriate for him to still have them after breaking up with her, much less while dating someone else. I know I would be creeped out to know that any of my exs were ogling my nude pictures. Also, I don’t really think he’s as over her as he wants you to believe. If he was, he wouldn’t have those pictures. Speaking of, have you ever asked him to get rid of them? If he refused, big 🚩. My advice to you would be to end the relationship. He does not respect you and doesn’t deserve you. >**OP:** I asked him to delete them when I found out. He deleted some and said he would do the rest later because there was a lot. He also said he is waiting to get a new phone, idk what year he is living in, in 2023 we have iCloud that transfers everything when you get a new phone, including the whole camera roll. I ended it and blocked him on everything. After reflecting and not having him physically with me, I’m quite disgusted. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18f0yhw/he_still_has_his_exes_nudes_update_i_told_his_ex/?share_id=V4H9Xio2LorppgLl4fiO8&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 10, 2023** AITAH for telling my ex’s ex that even though they broke up 2 years ago. He still has all her explicit pictures (ranging from age 17-20, he is 22 now) So I realised I had attachment issues lol. I ended it, and then he was asking for us to not end. Until he also agreed we should not see each other anymore. But then, I didn’t want to end it because I loved him (and also had low self worth, thinking he would be the only person to love me). With retrospect he didn’t love me he just liked talking &, not exclusively, but mostly he’d only really tell me he loved me when things were looking like they were going to end or if I said it first. He is the type of person to tell you want you want to hear. Anyways, time passed. I do still care for him, way more than I should, but my feelings for him have dwindled. I still miss him, but I don’t love him. And I realised how fucked up it truly is to have pictures of your ex (17-20 years old, he is now 22 - not saying he is a pedo, but legally speaking he did have child porn on his phone). I gave him many lectures on how bad it is that he still had them. He gave stupid excuses like I can’t be bothered, or I’m going to sort it when I get a new phone (as if iCloud doesn’t exist). He is a liar, someone who tells you want you want to hear. He just agreed with me to shut me up. I had a feeling he probably still had them pictures even after he said he’d delete them. Surprise he did not. When we stopped seeing each other one time, I asked him to delete what he has of me. He said he would, I come to find out he did not. Seems to be a thing he does. I messaged his ex and told her that he still has all them pictures. A part of me did feel bad, because again I still care for him, & I knew in doing this he’d never talk to me again, so that was kind of sad. But I thought if it was me in her position , I would want someone to do the same for me. I also asked many females what I should do, they all said ‘tell her obviously’. So I did, she told me how she asked him to delete all her pictures when they broke up and he said he would. (This sounded very familiar). She thanked me for telling her. She called him and asked for a screen recording of him deleting everything or she’s calling his mum and letting her know what her son is up to. He eventually did. The gross thing is, he has 2 younger sisters. He tells me how he is scared for how they will be treated by men when they grow up. He is scared they’ll encounter men like himself imo. He was very angry with me. Told me I was doing this all out of spite. He tried to play victim which I found very pathetic. Saying I didn’t think this would blow up in my face again and thanks for kicking me down lower than I already felt as if he is the one who’s been violated. Actions have consequences. I think he still thinks about her, I refer you to the fact that: 1. He still had her pictures 2. He tried to give me her shirt to wear 3. He made her one of his playlist covers, when I told him that was weird he changed it 4. I had to ask him to stop talking about her They were together for 3 years, and she is very beautiful. But 2 years had past with no contact, she had very much moved on. Why couldn’t he? Anyways, I know it was the right thing to do. I’m going through waves of, I’m glad I did it and I’m sad he is hurt. But he is not the victim. & this was a truly eye opening experience to who he really is. A little bit of a perv, collecting girls explicit pictures as if they’re Pokémon cards. I need to have better standards for myself. So I’m going on a date in a couple days. I met this guy at wireless in the summer. Nothing happened, I’ve only met him once cause he went to America for his placement year and I was in a stupid on again off again prolonged ‘siutaionship’ with the pictures of girls collecting guy. But he is back in the UK for Christmas. He is so wholesome and cute, funny. I’m punching fr, but he approached me? Crazy. And he is so sweet. He doesn’t ask me for pictures, he doesn’t want to have sex straight away, he’d rather build towards it which makes me happy because I want the same thing. We’re going to see Christmas lights, matcha lattes, food and then I’m going to ask him if he wants to stay round mine so we can watch movies. He is very respectful, optimistic and caring. He has sunflower energy. Also he is good and doesn’t drink smoke etc, I’m sober now and being around someone who does that stuff is hard. Sorry for this being too long. &nbsp; #**THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

He still has his exes nudes

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18k9o4o/he_still_has_his_exes_nudes/

18k9old

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRA69369 **OOP HAS SINCE DELETED HER ACCOUNT** **Our Threesome Broke Me (F35, M37)** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **Thanks to u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!manipulation, mentions of infidelity!< [Original Post recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1855p7i/our_threesome_broke_me_f35_m37/)  **Nov 27, 2023** Throwaway, even though I'm absolutely certain my husband would figure out it's about us if he ever came across this post. Also, before I get started, I am NOT interested in leaving my marriage. Our relationship is otherwise loving, respectful, kind, and balanced. Now to the story: This turned into a lonnnnnng diary-like post. My apologies for the length. Me, F35. Him, M37. Married 16 years. We had a threesome. Two, actually, with the same person. I set it up. It's always been a fantasy of his, and although I was on the fence, there were things I wanted to explore, too. We lost our virginity to each other, so our outside experience was very limited I went on my first "solo" vacation earlier this year. I don't know if it was the whole "absence make the heart grow fonder" or what, but my husband and I were like horny teenagers again when I got back. That's when the whole threesome thing really took off. I set up the dating apps. I wrote what we were looking for. I initiated all conversations. Once I confirmed our match was 100% on board, he joined the chat. He let me lead, because in his words, he was happy either way. I've always been bi-curious, and he's fantasized about threesomes. Seemed like the only way to flesh it out. We met a few women in person. Our approach was conservative: talk, go on a date, go from there. Everyone was great about discussing boundaries, and I felt safe. We chose one woman, because I didn't want to manage multiple "external" partners. The first encounter was great, mostly for them. There was equal attention between all parties, but I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable. Nothing felt enjoyable to me, but they both came, and my husband and I went home. He was very affectionate and encouraging. I chalked my discomfort up to first time jitters. The second encounter was two rounds. The initial date was amazing. Dinner, sightseeing, drinks, great conversation. I legitimately like her. Round one: I was more open. But still nervous. I realized then that I wanted to experience a woman on my own, not with an audience (my husband). I felt awkward and inexperienced and embarrassed. They again got along well. Great chemistry. He finished in me, and she and I took a shower together. If the night had stopped here, everything would have been fine. Round two is what broke me. It was late. We were all staying in the hotel this time. The three of us, in a king size bed. I didn't want to sleep next to her, so my husband was in the middle. At some point, when I was mostly asleep, I could tell they were messing around, just the two of them. I FROZE. This was a boundary that he knew about, but I didn't discuss with her because I trusted him. ("I don't want to wake up to you two messing around.") He asked my "permission" to have sex with her. I should have said anything other than "sure", but I was legitimately frozen. I don't know how else to describe it. Couldn't move, couldn't speak. Paralyzed by something - I still don't know what. I was lying on my stomach at the edge of the bed while they fucked. I could see their shadows on the wall. I heard everything. She said I was a lucky woman as she came a third time (something I've never been able to do). He finished. It made me sick. Right there. I finally got my senses back and ran to the bathroom and was sick. She offered to leave (I'm sure it was awkward), but I asked her to stay. We gave her a ride home in the morning. Hugged goodbye. On the ride back home, my husband and I talked. He made a comment about how the second round was good for his ego - he's lucky if I come at all, let alone multiple times. I SOBBED for hours after we got home. I don't know why it hurt so much. My husband was gentle and kind to me after. Apologized repeatedly for violating the boundary, and for the "ego" comment. It broke me deeply, but I felt there was nothing to forgive. I set myself up for this. She ended things a couple weeks later. She said I wasn't ready, and she's right. It's been about four months since the incident I call "Round 2". I canNOT let it go. How can I measure up to that? How can he be satisfied with me anymore? He has reassured me whenever I've brought it up. Which was only a couple times, because I don't want to burden him with this. It messed me up to the point where I have almost no sex drive, and I'm numb when he's inside me. I miss our sex life... How do I move on from this experience? TLDR: we had a threesome, that was more like a twosome, and I can't get over the hurt. **ADDITIONAL INFORMATION FROM OOP** [Comment Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1855p7i/our_threesome_broke_me_f35_m37/kb56sp7/) Last night: More of the same. He does seem genuinely remorseful. He apologized again, but doesn't know how to make it right. I'm not entirely sure, either. I did say he needs to seek me out more. A lot of the affection in our relationship is one-sided: I seek him for hugs, handholding, quality time, etc. He reciprocates, but rarely initiates. What I'd really like to hear is, "I cheated". I want him to own it full-on. I gave him about 15min to read the post and top comments, and asked if he noticed a theme. Crazy how it took a boatload of internet strangers to help confirm what I knew, but couldn't admit. But I still don't think he grasps the gravity of it. Today is a little different. This was all over text. He threw the shower thing back in my face, even though there are texts well beforehand saying he was ok with she and I having some alone time, as long as he was in the room. And he also watched. He also reminded me that I said "ok" when he asked permission. I saw red and sent a barrage of angry messages. No name-calling. Just a lot of f-bombs about violated boundaries, lack of awareness, and overall selfishness. He hasn't replied yet. I'm not innocent in this. I really, truly acknowledge that.And like I said, if we had ended the evening after Round 1 and the shower, I'd still be completely interested on more threesomes. But I saw the side of him that couldn't give two shits about me when he has something to gain, all while I'm in an incredibly vulnerable place - a place where he should encourage, protect, and advocate. So hell no, not giving him that opportunity again. I know my marriage will never be the same. Maybe in the long run, that's a good thing. [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/qfLB1yJ7Qz)  **Dec 10, 2023** I deleted my original post, but I'm sure it lives on somewhere... Long story short, I came to Reddit two weeks ago to hash out some feelings I had following our second FFM threesome (July 2023). My husband broke a boundary by having a "twosome" with the other woman that started while I was sleeping. It felt like infidelity right in front of my face. Thousands of people reacted to the post, most stating that his actions were cheating. Another large portion believed I gave consent, because my husband asked my "permission" and I froze and did not say "no". Many people called me stupid. I can understand all perspectives. I agree, it was cheating. You don't ask to change a boundary in the act of breaking it. He understands that now - hindsight is 20/20. While I disagree with him believing he had consent, I forgive him. He has since genuinely apologized and is remorseful. I agree that a threesome was stupid for us to do, and that none of us three was ready for a threesome. I lack a spine, and they lack impulse control. In my original post, I said our marriage was otherwise good. I really truly mean that. We are not perfect, but our relationship was respectful, kind, loving, and balanced. We discussed a threesome for months, going over feelings and potential negative outcomes, but felt the benefit outweighed the risk. Stupid, I know. Again, hindsight is 20/20. I spoke with a marriage counselor. I explained how I feel traumatized, how my body doesn't respond to my husband since that night, and how I desperately want to stay and leave at the same time. I started looking at apartments and embraced the thought of having space to heal, but my heart was breaking, too. In a nutshell, the counselor said leaving is the easy thing to do. She didn't blame me for wanting to walk away. The pain is real and living like this is hard. The harder thing would be to stay and work to repair the damage, and rebuild the trust that we had for so many years. I am going to lose a TON of karma for saying this.... but I choose to stay and rebuild. My marriage is worth saving, and my opinion matters more than the words of strangers. I will continue individual therapy, and we will see a marriage counselor. And no more threesomes. What a sh*tshow. TLDR. I'm staying. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

Our Threesome Broke Me (F35, M37)

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18k9old/our_threesome_broke_me_f35_m37/

18kj8jg

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/achesforcakes in r/Trueoffmychest** **New Update** [Link to previous BORU](https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/181gh2g/i_think_i_caught_my_younger_brother_spying_on_me/) Trigger Warnings: >!Sexual harassment, Sexual Assault!< [I think I caught my younger brother spying on me while I was changing last night, but it may all be in my head. Everything feels super awkward now.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/xet8r4/i_think_i_caught_my_younger_brother_spying_on_me/) - 15 September 2022. My brother (18m) and I (19f) are staying at our grandparents house this week. A few nights back I noticed the light from the gap under my door go darker and brighter a few times and initially thought my brother might have been walking up and down the hallway. Last night when I went to my room to change and go to bed I noticed it again, so I went to unlock my door and look down the hallway and saw my brothers door slam shut just as I opened my door. I thought it was really weird so I decided to bend over and look through the gap under my door when realized I could see RIGHT INTO MY ROOM! This may all just be in my head, but everything feels super awkward around him today and we still have 3 more days here before we go home. How do I not make this weird? **Comments:** **Commenter 1:** >he is waiting for you to go to bed so he can smoke or drink or something, almost guarantee it **Commenter 2:** >You wouldn't be able to get any upwards angle from under the door gap. He'd only be able to see your feet. **OOP:** >Posted this above but I checked for myself and he definitely would have been able to see me, it is a wide enough gap. Thankfully the other commenters put my paranoia to rest! **Update 1 - 10 August 2023 - 11 months later:** [So tired of being gaslit by my younger brother I’m pretending I don't know he’s stealing my underwear now](https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15n6nzv/so_tired_of_being_gaslit_by_my_younger_brother_im/) I'm (20F) currently still living at home with my parents and younger brother (18M). I've been dealing with multiple incidents of him perving on me and getting away with it by gaslighting me and/or my parents about it. First incident I can specifically remember was a while ago at my grandparents house. He kept trying to dare/challenge me to climb up to an old treehouse which I finally did only to realize he could see up my skirt as I was climbing up. I yell at him to stop looking and he acts like I was being gross for thinking he was. Whole situation was super weird so just brushed it off and never said anything about it again. Few months later I catch him going through my photos on my laptop. Huge fight ensued of course and my parents get involved. He tells them he was trying to delete an ugly picture I took of him and somehow my parents see it as we're "both in the wrong". I don't have anything scandalous on there but it just felt so off for him to be going through my pictures. Fast forward to us moving into our new house this summer and now we share a bathroom. He never knocks when he KNOWS I'm using the bathroom, instead he just tries to see if the door is locked. Eventually the inevitable happens, I forget to lock the door and he barges in. Luckily I was half-decent. I tell my parents about this and instead of the solution being he should knock, the solution is I should use the guest bathroom downstairs. Most recent incident was a couple nights ago after a family BBQ. Came back to my room and noticed the sweatpants I had changed out of before everyone arrived were out of the laundry hamper and on the floor. When I got up to do the laundry the next morning I realized the panties I was wearing with those sweatpants were gone. The thought of confronting him over it and him gaslighting me again was honestly so exhausting I just didn't say anything. Now another pair are missing and I'm still acting like I have no idea. **Comments:** **Commenter 3:** >you should prolly go into your room and check for cameras as well while your at it, your mobile phone camera can pick up the lights from then when the rooms dark.you can do it with a tv remote as well, just point it at the lens and press a button to see it flash purple or red etc. **Commenter 4**: >Move. **OOP:** >Yeah of course in an ideal world I would be out of the house by now, in reality that's a lot easier said than done. Not something I can realistically afford right now, and in any case I don't see why I'm the one who has to move as if it's my fault I'm being perved on. **Update 2 - 14 August 2023 - Four days later:** [Update: So tired of being gaslit by my younger brother I’m pretending I don't know he’s stealing my underwear now](https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/15r9na8/update_so_tired_of_being_gaslit_by_my_younger/) Wanted to update everyone after my post the other day. Thank you all for the support and stories you shared it really helped me realize how much I needed to get out of the toxic situation at home. After everyones advice to look for hidden cameras in my room I tried everything recommended but didn't find anything. I couldn't get the thought out of my head though so I decided to go look through my brothers laptop when he wasn't home the next day. Honestly it broke me. He had dozens of pictures he had taken of me without me knowing, pictures of my underwear with cum in them, and a lot of other fucked up shit off the internet. I immediately sent pictures of everything to my parents, packed up a bag told a friend I needed a place to stay for a few days and left. My parents have been trying to call me non-stop and have texted me to come home and talk about it, but I've made it clear I don't plan on coming home unless he is out of the house for good. Don't know what I'm going to do if they don't kick him out, but for now just trying to get the thoughts of everything I saw out of my head and take care of my own mental health. **Update 3 - posted to /r/Legaladvice - 5 September 2023 - 22 days later** [Found a nude picture of myself [20F] on my brother's [18M] laptop](https://old.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/16a8lo0/found_a_nude_picture_of_myself_20f_on_my_brothers/) About a month ago, after a series of several incidents I found several pictures of myself on my brothers laptop including pictures of my underwear that he had stolen and masturbated in and a nude picture of me in the bathroom.I took a picture of the thumbnails with my phone and deleted the originals and have been living at a friend's house ever since. I don't plan on returning home unless he is kicked out of the house for good by my parents (which they don't seem willing to do).I am still processing everything emotionally and not sure where to go from here. I am seriously conflicted and as his sister I want him to get help, but at the same time I just can't have him near me right now. I also need to know for sure there are no other pictures of me floating around and that they were never posted or shared.I don't have a lot to support myself with right now and I don't want to put myself or my family through unnecessary difficulty because of this, but I do want to know what legal options I have. **Comments:** **Commenter 5:** >Get an unlawful surveillance / revenge porn report (documentation purposes only) from the police citing the evidence you have. This will somewhat protect you and allow you to pressure him into destroying the undocumented photos. If he doesnt comply youncan amend your report requesting an arrest. Good luck **New Update - 10 December 2023 - 4 months from previous post** [Final update: brother's confession and apology](https://old.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/18f04jq/final_update_brothers_confession_and_apology/) A lot of people reached out in the last couple weeks wanting to know what happened so thought I would share a final update (even if it's not the closure everyone was hoping for): After months of staying with various friends houses and threats of authorities getting involved my brother confessed everything to my parents. He admitted to hiding a camera in our bathroom and stealing my clothing, but promises he has never shared any pictures of me and has since deleted all of them. He claimed to be addicted to adult content for years which eventually lead him to attempt to live out things he had watched online. My parents have sent him to therapy and are trying to "fix him" however they can. Meanwhile I don't think I will ever be moving back home and I've been saving up (without the help of my parents) to get my own place soon. I still feel sad and violated whenever I think about everything that's happened, but I've decided to move on with life without any of them in it. Luckily my friends (aka my chosen family) have been here to support me through this whole sick drama, and I will forever be grateful to all of them. Finally to anyone else who is dealing with similar situations at home or elsewhere: the truth will eventually out. Stay strong. **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

I think I caught my younger brother spying on me while I was changing last night, but it may all be in my head. Everything feels super awkward now.

NEW UPDATE

cormega

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18kj8jg/i_think_i_caught_my_younger_brother_spying_on_me/

18klxac

**I am not OOP. OOP is u/UnhappyMachineSpirit** Originally posted to /r/RBI **Trigger warning:** >!crime!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!Wholesome!< [**First Post: Dec. 1^st , 2023**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/187d4ef/found_an_abandoned_car_in_the_woods_and_it_looked/?rdt=44990) I Found an abandoned 1999 Honda civic in a forest on the Nevada/California border (California side). Normally I wouldn’t think much of an abandoned car but this just looked like something bad happened. The trunk was popped and items still inside. These items were a box of diapers, a sun shade for a pram, an infant size winter jacket, a plush toy for an infant and an open envelope for a paycheck from a business in Reno. The envelope has a name, address and employee Id number on it. There was a baby carrier in the back seat which luckily only had some trash in it and not a baby. The other things in the car was just some food and drink trash and a sock that was baby sized. All the baby stuff was pink/girly so I assume the baby was a little girl as well. The name on the envelope was female as well. The car had the license plate removed, the lights and radio removed, as well as the back tires removed. Outside the car was an empty box of diapers, a high heel hanging from a tree with the sole torn up and the matching across the clearing on the ground, and a mound of fresh dirt between the shoe tree and car. I took photos of everything and I wrote down the vin and the name and address on the envelope. I wandered around the surrounding area of forest a bit more and I found a pile of women’s clothes strewn about on the ground maybe 100 feet away into the tree line. These clothes weren’t winter appropriate, looked like it was underwear, a bra, and some shorts. Seeing the clothes started to give me some worry for what may be the situation with this car if it’s connected. I ran the vin number through an online search and the number doesn’t come back as reported stolen. The other things that unnerved me were that everything was dry and mostly clean compared to the surroundings. We’ve had consistent rainfall and the ground was muddy yet the diaper box on the ground was dry. The cardboard didn’t seem to have been rained on or anything or even absorbed much water from the mud. The contents of the trunk were also dry and fairly clean which seemed wrong given the fresh mud and consistent rain. The exposed metal from where the tires were removed also hasn’t rusted yet. The car also was neatly parked in the clearing and not on the road like it got stuck in the mud or snow. I called all this in to the police, gave them photos and gps location and forest service road number but I’ve heard nothing back. The county this forest sits in is pretty small so I don’t know If the police have the resources to even check the car out. Given that the car seemed to be freshly left there and a child is involved I want to get some closure that whoever this belonged to is okay and this is just a stolen car left in the woods. Does anyone have advice on what I can do to get more information on what happened? I will admit this forest has always given me unnerving vibes so maybe I’m reading to deep into this but I do want to make sure nothing worse happened to whoever owned that car and the baby. [**UPDATE: Dec. 2^nd , 2023**](https://www.reddit.com/r/RBI/comments/1882dj9/update_i_found_an_abandoned_car_in_the_woods_and/) I Hope im going this update correct. I have good news y’all. This was luckily best case scenario and my update is mundane. With the help of other users with far better detective skills than me we were able to track down the individuals Facebook page. This has been confirmed to be the individual who owned the car. She is safe and her child is safe as well. She’s active on Facebook and I contacted her with information on where her car is. She had posted about it getting stolen In early September and no one else had stumbled upon it and told her until I did. Thank you to everyone who helped guide me to find her and help her find her car. I’m very happy this was just a creepy find and nothing more than theft. #THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

"Found an abandoned car in the woods and it looked like something bad maybe happened"

CONCLUDED

huskergirl-86

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18klxac/found_an_abandoned_car_in_the_woods_and_it_looked/

18kqlhv

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [goblinmoding](https://www.reddit.com/user/goblinmoding). They posted in r/CatAdvice. A reminder that this sub has the 7 day waiting period, so the **latest update is 13 days old.** Please remember the no brigading rule. **Trigger Warning:** >!None!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!Cute!< **Original** [Cat will not let me sleep in.](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/s/efXni2TMEo)**: December 1, 2023** Cat will not let me sleep in. Genuinely. I get up every morning and feed her breakfast at 6am. she eats, cuddles up to me, we both go back to sleep. The weekend comes. Then 10:30 hits. Every time we get here, without fail, she wakes me up. Starts as just staring at me until I wake up because of her unsettling presence. If that doesn’t work (it usually does), she taps me. Great, I’m awake, but it’s not enough for her. She starts pulling my hair next if I don’t get out of bed immediately lol. I tell her “No”, she backs off, I turn my head, and she’s biting my hair again to get my attention. It’s not food. She doesn’t want me to pet her. She won’t play with me. I’ve tried all of her toys. I’ve tried chasing her. I’ve tried letting her bite my hands like she always wants to, which obviously I don’t just let her do. As soon as I get up, she goes and stares out of the window. Or lays down where I was just laying. Or just starts running laps on the bed. I don’t get it 😭 I have no clue what she wants me to do other than let her have my spot. *** **Update** [Uppdate on my cat not letting me sleep/waking me up in the middle of the night—she caught a health issue.](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/s/4XzbQpADfx/)**: December 4, 2023 (3 days later)** Long story short, my cat kept waking me up randomly at night and not letting me sleep, then not letting me sleep in on days that I could even after feeding her. I have a smartwatch and it among other things like being a watch also tracks my oxygen levels and heart rate and stuff at night. She woke me up again this morning at around 4:30 and very violently would not let me go back to sleep. I sat up and noticed that I felt pretty winded and so I opened up my watch and my oxygen levels had dropped from 95 to 89. Then I saw that it did the same thing yesterday right before she woke me up. Then I went back and started checking, and almost every time she’s just randomly woken me up has correlated with my oxygen dropping below normal. I don’t know if I was breathing funny or if she just knew something was up, and I know correlation doesn’t equal causation, but the pattern is WAY too obvious, and I already know I have breathing struggles while I’m awake. So I guess I’m going to get a sleep study done. Cats, man. She’s sleeping by my feet now. Completely content now that it’s back to normal. I don’t know if she knows how smart and awesome she is, but man I love her so much. She can be an absolute bully sometimes but it’s always out of love. Edit: sometimes cats are just jerks—this doesn’t always mean something is wrong! Always consult with a medical professional when you suspect something may be going on :) in my case I have had these symptoms for years and never explored sleep apnea as a diagnosis and wouldn’t have thought to do so until now, after noticing this pattern thanks to Bast. Cat tax shall be added! *** *Note*: [OOP’s comment with cat tax](https://www.reddit.com/r/CatAdvice/s/GFuHbzxn5W)

Cat will not let me sleep in

CONCLUDED

Kissegrisen

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18kqlhv/cat_will_not_let_me_sleep_in/

18l0q5i

**I am not The OOP, OOP** is aitadinnerwex **AITA for coming to dinner with my ex and his new GF uninvited?** **Originally posted to am-i-the-asshole-official Tumblr** **Thanks to u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this BoRU** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional manipulation, theft, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, parental alimentation!< [Original Post](https://www.tumblr.com/am-i-the-asshole-official/725498406688178176)  Aug 12, 2023** This situation is long and messy, so I'll try to include the relevant info only. I (F32) broke up with my long time partner (M33) right before COVID hit. We stayed in the same house during lockdown and continued to live together after lockdown was lifted, because we generally get along and we had a child (F11) to raise together. Over the last 3 years we've been roommates and co-parents and that's it. One day he was supposed to take our daughter to buy new school clothes, and she came back 10 minutes later in tears. She said they were on their way to the store when his new GF called, and he drove her back home and dropped her off so he could go spend time with her. He even asked our daughter to lie to me for him, but she was tired of covering for him (implying she'd been lying for him for a while now). When he got home we had a massive argument. I didn't care if he dated other girls, I cared that for some reason he thought he had to sneak around, and it made him act like a jerk to me and our daughter. I told him if he had been a man about this new girl and just introduced me to her then maybe we could have all been friends, but instead he had to act like a horny teenager. It ended with him moving out to live with his parents. A couple days later he called and apologized. He said he hoped it wasn't too late for him to do things right, and he hopes we can all be friends. I was hopeful that we could finally co-parent in peace for the sake of our child. This is where I may be TA: I have always been close with my ex's parents, to the point where even after we broke up I would be invited over regularly for dinner. They said even if I wasn't their son's partner I'm still their grandchild's mother, and that makes me family. So one day when my daughter texts me while at my ex's parent's house and invites me to dinner because they're having my favorite meal, I don't think twice about coming over even though my ex and his GF I've never met now live there. I figured everyone had to be okay with it, since my daughter was inviting me. I end up having dinner with my ex's parents and daughter, but my ex only comes upstairs to grab two plates of food and goes back downstairs. I ask my ex's mom why and she says his GF doesn't feel well today. Whatever, I think. She's just sick and I'll meet her another day. I have a perfectly pleasant dinner with my ex in-laws, help clean up, and make a promise to bring them a coconut cake (ex father-in-law's favorite) and take my daughter home. Later my ex blows up my phone with texts and calls, saying it was so weird and rude that I came over for dinner uninvited. That I made his new GF uncomfortable, and like she wasn't welcome there. And that I caused trouble in their relationship because she assumes we must still be in love for me to come over and see his parents out of the blue like that, because "exes don't do that. it's creepy." I had a talk with my daughter and asked her calmly if she had asked everyone else if it was ok if I come over before she texted me, and she sheepishly said she didn't know she had to ask since it had never been a problem before. (I didn't tell her about her dad's meltdown at me, or tell her dad that she's the one who invited me. She's a child and shouldn't be involved) Instead I just told him I'm sorry me dropping by made things awkward, but I thought he wanted us all to be friends from now on and I figured this was a good place to start being friends. He said there was no way she'd want to be my friend now that I made her feel uncomfortable in her own home. It wasn't my intention to make anyone uncomfortable, but I admit I'd be perturbed if he brought this woman into MY home and I had not even been warned first. So AITA? **VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE** [UPDATE: My daughter has gone no contact with her father and grandparents for the foreseeable future.](https://www.tumblr.com/aitadinnerwex/727228611987374080)  **Sept 1, 2023** Hey, all. I saw a post here recently about not getting a lot of updates to stories submitted to this blog yet and figured I could give mine, even though it's a sad one. I also maybe need to vent a little about this situation. Under the cut to save people's dashboards: (from now on, ex's new gf will be K, ex father-in-law will be FIL and ex mother-in-law will be MIL) I'll start from the day after the dinner and try to give a concise recap of events. The day after the dinner I bring FIL the coconut cake I promised, but not wanting to stir up trouble I text that I'm bringing it over instead of dropping by unannounced like I normally would. FIL meets me on the porch instead of inviting me in like he normally would, and I gathered from his distant but polite tone and body language that he was basically shooing me away. I was hurt that a man who had always treated me like a daughter was being cold, but I didn't say anything about it and I left. Over the next couple weeks my ex in-laws continue to hold me at arms length where once I would consider them not only family, but close friends. I used to take MIL to doctor's appointments and shopping trips, but texts asking her about her next appointment or inviting her to come shopping with me went unanswered. I used to go fishing and go-karting with FIL, but these invites also stopped. I had a sneaking suspicion my ex was behind the sudden change in my ex in-laws, and I also started to notice a change in my daughter. Because my ex and I were never actually married, there was no actual custody agreement between us. She would just text her dad if she wanted him to come pick her up, or text me if she wanted to come home. She's always been a daddy's girl and spent more time with him than she did home with me, and I was fine with that. But after the dinner she spent a lot more time home with me, and one day she went with her dad only to call me within the hour, crying and asking me to pick her up. On the way home I gently reminded her that she could talk to me about anything, even if it was hard. That adjusting to her dad having K in his life would be a challenge, but if she had any problems she could tell me and I would help her fix them, and she told me what had transpired over my ex and K's relationship from her point of view: My ex and K had been dating for about 6 months before my daughter told me, and she pretty much knew about it from the beginning. My ex told her she couldn't tell me about it, and she agreed because she didn't want us to fight. My ex also had K around my daughter from the beginning, and my daughter was wary of her at first but started to like her. (so the people saying I should meet K before she was around my daughter, that ship unfortunately sailed long ago) The day after the dinner MIL texted my daughter and basically said "You're not in any trouble, but don't mention your mom around K again". My daughter texted back asking why and she said "It's just easier not to upset her". K started doing all the things with my ex in-laws I used to do. She took MIL to doctor's appointments, she took MIL shopping, she went fishing with FIL and tried to replicate my coconut cake. My daughter tried talking to her dad and said it felt like K was trying to replace me, and my dad just said "she's just being their daughter-in-law, your mother isn't their daughter-in-law anymore". Still, my daughter is stubborn and insisted it wasn't fair that her mother was being excluded from the family. Her dad just kept repeating "she's not family", to which my daughter yelled "She's my mom! That makes her more family than K". At this, K apparently got up and left the room while my ex ran after her. K didn't just leave the room though, she took her keys and got in her car and drove away. My ex drove after her, and MIL and FIL started scolding my daughter and saying she needed to apologize to K when she got back. That's when my daughter called me in tears and asked me to come pick her up. She's insistent that she doesn't want to go back over there until they all apologize to her, and I don't blame her. I'm honestly at a loss at all this. My ex never had a problem with me being close with his parents even though we were broken up. Hell, I was the one who stayed with MIL in the hospital for 4 months after she had a heart attack and subsequent heart surgery in 2021. I was the one who went to doctor's appointments, and organized her medications, and helped her with physical therapy. I was the one cooking meals every night and bringing them to FIL because both he and my ex have been spoiled rotten by MIL and don't know how to cook for themselves. I was the one cleaning the house for them for over a year while MIL recovered. I did it all because I loved them, not just as family to my child but as dear friends. I don't know if this sudden change in behavior is how my ex felt all along, or if K had something to do with it. Though I suspect it's a combination of both. My ex has weaponized incompetence down to an art form, and I suspect now that he has a replacement woman to take care of him and his aging parents he no longer needs me to do it. But that's basically all that's happened over the last month. Radio silence for me from people I used to love dearly, and them pushing my daughter away till she ran home in tears. As sad as I am for me my heart breaks tenfold for her. **ADDITIONAL COMMENT FROM OOP** Thank you for your perspective. It's only been a couple days since my daughter called me crying, and she's been distracting herself with school and friends so I haven't really had time to sit her down and talk about how she's feeling about it all. All I've asked her is if she wants me to tell her if her dad tries calling, and she said yes, she wants to know if he tries to call. She's had monthly online therapy sessions since her dad and I first broke up, but the first thing I did in light of this was contact her therapist and schedule her for an emergency in person session soon. I've seen several people mention contacting a lawyer and getting a custody agreement set up, and I'm a little ashamed to admit it hadn't occurred to me to do that. My ex hates anything to do with court proceedings, it's an almost irrational fear of his. He once had a panic attack over getting a jury duty letter. So part of me thinks he won't take this to court, but the other half of me knows that I don't even know this man anymore and I am absolutely not leaving anything to chance. I'll be looking into getting a lawyer as soon as possible, and see if we can get some sort of emergency custody order that says she doesn't have to go back there until the matter of split custody is decided. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **anonymous** >ur MIL sounds like a total enabler to her son's incompetence, i'm kinda wondering why u let ur daughter be around that in the first place **OOP** >>Oh trust me, it was a point of contention. I was with my ex since high school and she used to subtly try to tell me I should be "pampering her baby boy like he deserves," but I think she eventually got the message that I wasn't someone who could be pushed around. She hasn't tried to tell me how to run my household or raise my child in many, many years. >>My daughter is also super stubborn, just like me. She knows her grandmother has very traditional views on a woman's place in the home and thinks those ideas are stupid, and she'll tell MIL such to her face. I've never seen MIL try to guilt my daughter or make her feel lesser than for not agreeing with her, though. >>I used to think maybe MIL was proud of how stubborn and willful my daughter was, and wished she could have been like that when she was young. Now I'm not entirely sure what's going on in her mind. [UPDATE: K stole from ex in-laws and left.](https://www.tumblr.com/aitadinnerwex/736464738303852544/aita-for-coming-to-dinner-with-my-ex-and-his-new)  **Dec 11, 2023** I honestly did not think I would be updating this post any longer. In the last couple months I've gotten a lawyer and have been working out custody with my ex which was rough at first but then calmed down. I don't want to go into too many details because this situation doesn't really involve me anymore, just my ex. And he IS still my daughter's father. So I'll give the short version: When my ex was contacted by my lawyer he started blowing up my phone saying I was trying to take his daughter and all his money away from him, and how could I do this to him because he would never do this to me, etc etc. I shut that down quick and told him I didn't want a dime from him, I just wanted some assurance that the agreement we already had in place (daughter stays with me but is free to visit him) stays in place. He kept trying to say lawyers were unnecessary because he wasn't going to try to take her, I stuck to my guns, and he eventually caved. Meanwhile I had my own things to sort through, and so did my daughter. It took a while to fully own the fact that I definitely contributed to the pain she is now feeling. When I broke up with my ex I comforted her by telling her nothing would change. We were still living together. Then her dad moved out and still I told her, nothing will change. I'll still be active in FIL and MIL's lives. I'll still go over there with you all the time. And while that was a nice thought it didn't really prepare my daughter for the reality that families change all the time and change doesn't have to be bad or scary. This whole time she was basing her mental health on the idea that nothing about her family will change, so K's introduction slowly started to crumble away that feeling. But change is good. Change is normal. I may not like being cut off from FIL and MIL, but they're not wrong when they say I'm not family anymore. They're not wrong for trying to be welcoming to the new woman in their son's life. It sucks, but life goes on. Anyway, my daughter has been going over there for a few hours about once or twice a week with lots of caveats that she, her dad and I all agreed to: She gets to decide when she comes over. Her dad can invite her, but she's allowed to say no and he can't argue. No one will force her to interact with FIL, MIL, or K if she doesn't want to. No one will take her anywhere if she doesn't want to go. If anyone makes her uncomfortable she'll leave and walk to Diane's house and call me to come pick her up. (Diane is a coworker of mine who lives 3 blocks away and has known my daughter since she was a baby) This arrangement has been working out and my daughter has said everyone has been extra nice to her, but they haven't actually said sorry for anything they did. She slowly started to seem happier and happier over there, and asked if she could go to FIL's birthday party because her aunt and uncle from out of state would be visiting with her cousins, and I said yes. Well, tonight she came home and told me a doozy of a story: The party was great, everyone was having a good time, and my daughter's older cousin was showing her how to play the nintendo 64. K was nowhere to be found. Apparently she "didn't feel good" again, and my ex went downstairs to check on her. Suddenly they hear him screaming "Where is it?! What did you do with it?!" Everyone got quiet and looked to the stairs where my ex stomped up and said everyone had to turn out their pockets, because some money was missing from FIL and MIL's safe. For some context: this safe is locked under the stairs and needs a key and combination to get into it. It has important documents for the whole family and emergency cash in it. FIL, MIL, my ex, and now K are the only ones who know the combination, and the only key is hidden in FIL and MIL's room. My ex went downstairs to check on K and she was asleep in bed, but the door to the cupboard under the stairs was open. He got a bad feeling and checked the safe and about $2,000 was missing. He woke K up and she cried and said she had been asleep the whole time and someone must have come down and stole the money while she was sleeping. I was pretty gratified to hear that my ex's family are nowhere near as naive as he is, and immediately tore into him for believing that lie. None of them had a key or knew the combination, and all of them had been hanging out in the living room. K cleans FIL and MIL's room all the time and knew where the key was. He told K the combination. K was downstairs the whole time. K is the only person who could have done it. He tried to defend K and told everyone to leave her alone, but FIL put his foot down and told his son to find the money or he would call the cops to do it. My ex went back downstairs to talk to K, and everyone upstairs could hear her sobbing and calling him names. She went to get in her car and my ex followed her, and what did he see sitting in her backseat? A bag stuffed to the brim with money. A bag that wasn't there a few hours ago. My ex tried to stop K from leaving, but she tore out of the driveway like a bat out of hell. FIL and MIL are furious and want to press charges, and my ex is begging them not to saying he can get her to bring it back. Idk where this is going to go next but honestly? I'm just kind of glad K and my ex didn't take me up on my original offer to be friends, because holy shit. TL;DR I now have sole custody of my daughter, but my ex is not restricted from seeing her. She's been in therapy, and he's been extra sweet to her trying to get her trust back. I've totally stepped back from my ex's family which my daughter hated but is getting used to. Today (12/11/23) was my ex FIL's birthday, and my daughter went to celebrate with her dad's side of the family. Some money came up missing and it was found in K's car, but K got away with it. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **anonymous** >looooool at your ex saying you're trying to get all his money and then his shitty girlfriend stealing from his parents **OOP** >>I wasn't gonna say it but that did strike me as humorous, yes. 🤭 **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

AITA for coming to dinner with my ex and his new GF uninvited?

EXTERNAL

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18l0q5i/aita_for_coming_to_dinner_with_my_ex_and_his_new/

18l0qzs

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/watermusicman](https://new.reddit.com/user/watermusicman/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole **Trigger Warning:** >!intentionally trying to feed a dog something it might be allergic to !< **Mood Spoiler:** >!Doggo is fine but we don't get a dog tax!< A reminder that this sub has the 7 day rule, so the latest update is from 7 days ago. **Original** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18aat0x/aita_for_kicking_out_my_friend_and_ending_the/)**: December 3, 2023** Throwaway account since everyone involved may find this.. I(28F)always knew that when I can live alone, I wanted to have a dog. When I moved, I had that opportunity in the form of a relative's pet that needed to be rehomed. She was already very old(13), deaf and generally needed a lot of attention. Its been a year and I love this fucking dog. tldr she truly changed my life. I am absolutely an annoying dog mom. Shes is also very allergic to SOMEthing that her vet and I are trying to figure out what. It manifests in dry flaky skin that she will itch hard enough to bleed. We're trying a food allergy trial. This means she is on a very specific diet of a prescription dry food until a trial period of 8-9 weeks is over. If she does get something off-menu, we have to start the trial period over. Most of my friends know this because I always complain how expensive the food is. Cut to the party: I invited a few close friends around to my place for a holiday shindig. Living far away, work, etc usually keeps us apart so I was super excited. I ordered us McDonald's (we all agreed beforehand to split a big order because why the fuck not) and made a ton of jokes to my dog about how 'None of it is for you young lady!' in front of everyone. I'll admit this was a thinly veiled reminder for everyone else too. The food comes and we're all having a good time. I step away to find my friend (25F) dropping a piece of fish filet for my dog to gobble up in the kitchen. I freak out and ask her what she was doing. Again, my dog is deaf so she just keeps pawing my friend for another peice, which she gave her saying "But shes so cute! A little peice of fish cant hurt" Ill admit it, I kind of lost it. We were 6 weeks into the trial and now I would have to start all over, buying so much more expensive food. I'm sure I yelled and cussed at her. I dont really remember, I saw red. I do remember telling everyone that Im sorry but I'm too angry to enjoy or host a party right now and asked everyone to leave. I told them to also feel free to take the remaining food and don't worry about paying for their shares since I'm the reason the party is ending early. The next day I apologized to my friend for yelling. She seems very hurt and isn't very open to continuing the conversation. She says she honestly forgot and didnt see the harm. To be fair, fish was on the list of things I don't suspect she is allergic to and may have mentioned that to the group. Also, my dog also is on other medications that stop any harmful reactions to off-list foods. At most she'll get flaky skin, but not super itchy or upset stomach or anything. My friends overall seem pretty split. Half the group thinks im justified and aren't upset with me ending the party knowing how much I care about my dog. The other half thinks I'm overreacting over a piece of fish. ***Relevant Comments:*** *You're a good dog owner:* "Thanks I try. I know to some I am 'doing too much' (every time I say that my dog has allergies and special food, half the time people laugh) but I also know her final years are going to be in my care so I can't help but want to make her as happy as possible. That goober has my freaking heart." *What kind of dog/dog tax??* "Don't want to get specific since that'll be a little too obvious, but kets just say she comes up to my mid calf and has floppy ears. Shes also one of those breeds that has gorgeous eyelashes lol i often call her "pretty girl" rather than her actual name which is xtra funny because she cannot hear me for shit." *Your level of response was pretty extreme. Was the situation really explained to this person clearly enough?* "Shes one of the folks I talk to regularly and am constantly mentioning her "new" diet. (I say new, but again it's been 6 weeks) I really do mean it when I say I'm an annoying dog mom. I talk about her all the time. So honestly it's hard for me to believe she forgot but I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt." *On restarting the diet:* "For clarity: I was told in no uncertain terms that the trial would have to be restarted. The point is for only the stuff in the prescription food should be in her for the trial period so that her system basically factory resets, which takes about 8 weeks. Then we introduce off-menu items slowly and wait to see a reaction and rule things out" ***OOP is voted NTA, especially since people point out this isn't just fish- it's breaded with other stuff*** **Update** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18gcq9a/update_aita_for_kicking_out_my_friend_and_ending/)**: December 11, 2023 (8 days later)** First: thanks to everyone for the kind words! Me and my old lady appreciate it! I'll most likely be the last owner she'll ever have so I try to make her last years great years. Second: No bad skin reaction happened thankfully. We started over the food trial and seem to be all good thus far. Third: my friend agreed to chat over coffee finally. I explained why I was so mad and apologized again. She accepted it and in turn apologized. Based on many suggestions, I cautiously asked if she would be willing to pay for some of the food trial I had "lost". She agreed to pay based on what she could afford, which I was more than fine with. Noone is made of money here. Then I broke down the cost. Folks, she was the one who lost it this time. (For context, my dog's prescription food bag are \~$60 each and we had used a bag and a half at that point.) She called me delusional, claimed I was only using her for money and said again how it "wasn't a big deal" and "all this for some "allergies?""(Yes she used air quotes) she even said "if it was this much trouble you should just put her down." Long story short I ended the friendship right there. I told her to not worry about the money or anything, I dont want anything to do with her. To put salt on the wound, a few friends confirmed that she joined in a group chat brainstorming how to make me allergy-free dog treats for xmas(which is, as you may expect,VERY hard to do) and were planning see what snacks I already had at my house. Also, my dog doesn't beg like other dogs because she can't ever tell where/who food smell is coming from in the room. So she stands conveniently (and awkwardly)in the way of peoples conversation until someone decides shes cute enough for a scrap. Aka As many suspected, [the fish thing was intentional](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/aH6JNXEomn) I sent a message to everyone who attended again apologizing for ending the party and offered to host again, this time explicitly mentioning to please not feed my dog any food no matter how cute she is. Most seemed amenable, others didn't really respond so I guess they're not coming. Which is fine by me. Turns out those that agreed with me also got Bad Vibes from that one friend so it all conveniently made us closer lol. My sweet old dog is worth so much more than that friendship. That convo was a few days ago and I already feel a lot better about my circle of friends. Much love! -W ***Relevant Comments:*** *So to be abundantly clear- she knew about the allergies and the fish thing was intentional?* "Basically she and most that were invited knew because they were all chatting about how to make treats as a surprise for me. That included them talking about my dogs food trial and other common dog allergies. She knew my dog couldn't have anything outside of a very very short list of vet approved things and deliberately gave her the battered fish which was very much not approved." *How did you find this out?* "I found out through screenshots of the chat she was in. All involved in the chat were talking about how my dog has allergies, the food trial, and the fact shes on a strict diet for now. The last message from her in that chat was about an hour before the party. So she knew, but fed my dog the fish anyway." *The type of food:* "Its a hydrolyzed dog food that i need a prescription from my vet to obtain, or just buy it from my vet's office" *As to why OOP needs to start the trial again considering doggo had no reaction:* "The trial period was explicitly told to me by my vet that it would have to be restarted. The point of it is to completely wipe her system of anything other than the prescription dog food, which takes about 8-9 weeks because of the medication she is on. Essentially getting her to a 'control' level. After that we will introduce different foods very slowly to her system. The fish stopped her body from getting to the "control" level. Kind of like if you were counting a bag of beans and then someone distracts you and messes up the count. I'm grateful she had no reaction, but we still have to restart the process."

AITA For kicking out my friend and ending the party after she fed my dog a "treat"?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18l0qzs/aita_for_kicking_out_my_friend_and_ending_the/

18l0r7k

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/newbegginings909 **OOP HAS SINCE DELETED HER ACCOUNT** **My(F19) boyfriend(M22) is very excited about a party that I am not invited.** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!grooming, manipulation, infidelity, exploitation!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/wyMYGVXkA2) **Dec 6, 2023** [Recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18bzdmv/myf19_boyfriendm22_is_very_excited_about_a_party/) We have been together for about 1 year and he is amazing. We have had arguments here and there but nothing to serious except this one. Last week he got invited to a college party and I wasn't; to which I don't really mind. The problem is he was invited by one of the sorority girls who has made it clear that she has a crush on him on her socials. (he plays football) She even has a highlight on her instagram tagged 'my crush' with his pictures. My boyfriend told me there is nothing to worry about because he is only interested in me. He said she is delusional to think that there could be something between them. The party is on Friday and he has been very excited about it, he already prepared when he was going to wear yesterday.(Tuesday) He bought new LV shoes and designer clothes Normally he doesn't care. He is always showing me the party groupchat telling me how amazing everything is planned out...As he was showing me, he got an insta message from the sorority girl saying - 'We should try it then'. He swiflty swiped it away and acted like it was nothing.When I asked him he said she wants to learn how to throw a football. Alright! I also overheard him talking with his bestfriend(M) about how amazing it's going to be. Honestly I feel like this excited him more than our anniversary and it's hurting me. I asked him if I can join him and he told me it's an invite only party. So I can't come with him. I need advice on what to do because I feel so overwhelmed and I am probably not thinking straight at the moment. What should I do?? [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/JA6lmA5E91) **Dec 11, 2023** [Recovered with rareddit](https://www.rareddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18fxdyq/myf19_boyfriendm22_is_very_excited_about_a_party/) Hey everyone. Thank you all for opening my eyes. I didn’t want to think the worst about my (ex) boyfriend but Y'all were right. After making this post I had a lot to think about and evaluate from the comments I received. Some were harsh to read but I had to. I spent the next few hours crying alone in my apartment. For a very long time I have avoided the idea of snooping through his phone but on Thursday night, I did and found very disturbing things. I went through his messages and took relevant screenshots of him talking to his “sorority friend” but what I did not expect to find was the things I saw on his discord. That’s why I could not make an update earlier. He mentioned that I am his girlfriend to her and said he would leave me if she was up for it.He sent her flowers every Monday of the week since they started talking. Guess what? He has only bought me flowers twice in about a year. Since I could not go through everything on his discord at night, I had to login using qr code on my laptop and found out he was messaging young girls, some as young as 13. The next morning I woke up and rushed to my moms house,and turned off my phone.We talked for hours until I felt better and she advised me on what to do. I cannot mention every disgusting thing he has done here but they would send each other pictures back and forth. One of them was so in love with him, she would send him money and random gifts. Whether he reciprocated really doesn’t matter and I don’t care.I wanted to kick him out of my apartment so badly but I thought it would be better for me to pretend everything is fine for one more day so I messaged him and told him I’m at my mom’s till Monday. Let him have fun with the sorority girl because it sure will be his last. I took video recordings and screenshots of every conversation and reported him to the local police on Friday evening with the attachments and they got back to me on Saturday with a few questions. I told them where he was and I am the sole reason he got arrested in the same designer clothes he had on Friday. After all this I had started realising how manipulated everything he said to me was. He was my second boyfriend and I overlooked a lot of things because I was ‘in love’. Once there was a girl looking for him outside our apartment and she was at most 16. I knew she was in highschool or had just finished by the conversations she was having on phone but it never hit me that he was grooming her. I feel so disgusted and I probably need therapy to get through this. I no longer feel sad about him and the sorority girl, she can have him. He was on a college scholarship, I think that’s gone too. TLDR: He got arrested for engaging with minors. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My(F19) boyfriend(M22) is very excited about a party that I am not invited.

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18l0r7k/myf19_boyfriendm22_is_very_excited_about_a_party/

18l0sjg

**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** [u/SeaworthinessOwn9590](https://new.reddit.com/user/SeaworthinessOwn9590/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole **Mood Spoiler:** >!short and sweet- happy ending but no dog tax!< **Original** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1183hcm/aita_for_making_my_husband_and_children_prove/)**: February 21, 2023** Before we got married and had kids my husband and I agreed that all big decisions required two yes or no votes. Well our two oldest kids and my husband want a dog. I do not. I have heard too many horror stories about a family getting a pet and then the person who did not want it being stuck caring for it. I finally agreed on three conditions. One, smaller than sixty pounds, we do not need a mastiff. Two, a non shedding dog only. None of us are allergic, I just don't want extra work. Three, for sixty days in a row they had to collect all the garbage from all the trash cans in the house and put it in the big garbage bin. That was to make sure they would remember to feed a dog every day. And for sixtrt days they, all three of them, had to go for a one mile walk twice a day. With the GPS route tracker active. If they missed a day they had to start over. The longest they have made it so far is two weeks. My parents called me up to say I was being ridiculous and petty. I 100% agreed with them. But since they always side with the kids I was ready for them. I sent them a link for a dog walking service in my area. It is very reasonable. I said if they wanted a say in the dog decision they had to agree to set up an account with that company and that I could call up the company for help whenever their precious, perfect, grandchildren and son-in-law forgot to take care of the dog. They said I was being a jerk and that they had the right to their opinion. I agreed that they had that. But unless they were willing to pay to include their opinion in the decision it did not matter. My husband has finally seen that the kids aren't responsible enough to have a dog. Great. He said we needed to tell them. I said that "we" was one too many people. I wasn't the one who sided with them when I had said I knew they were not ready. He thinks I'm being a dick. No one has called me an asshole but that's only because they say it in much more polite terms. ***Relevant Comments:*** *Some A+ parenting and life lessons:* "It's kind of funny. I've seen the kids have to drag their dad out for a walk in the morning and after work." *Do they only get one chance at 60 days?* "They can try for sixty days as many times as they want." *Is there only one slacker in the group?* "Nope. They have all screwed up." *Clarification on what they said originally:* We had agreed that the kids weren't ready before he \[husband\] came back to me with them." "I didn't involve the kids. He and I had discussed it and said no. Then he brought the kids into it." *Do your parents always question your parenting?* "My parents are probably trying to get even with me for my keeshond Spritz." *Do you do all of the chores around the house and are they slacking?* "No. I'm not going to say that. My husband and children do a lot of chores around the house. I do not feel like I'm overwhelmed. To be clear we have three bathrooms and four bedrooms. And a kitchen. The trash job is for them to empty out those trash cans into the big one outside that goes to the curb. Just so they have a monotonous job to do every day that is easy for me to check." *Even if you get a non-shedding dog you'll still have to brush it and care for it- and you may have to walk it:* "I know I will be responsible for a lot of the tasks required to care for a dog. I just want them to understand what they are getting into." "I've gone on most of the walks. It's harder for me because we have a baby in a stroller as well." *GPS might be pushing it:* "I caught all three of them hiding at a friend's house on their "walk"." ***OOP is voted NTA*** **Update** [Post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18g6gpw/update_making_my_husband_and_children_prove_they/)**: December 11, 2023 (10 months later)** They did it. It took them almost a year but they managed to follow all the rules for two months. We have found an acceptable dog at a rescue and we are bringing him home tomorrow. My kids are stoked to get a pup for Christmas. My husband has lost a bunch of weight from his daily walks and I have too since I joined in on most walks. Thanks everyone for your comments and opinions. I held strong and they came through. **Editor's note:** A reminder that this sub has a 7 day waiting period, meaning the latest update is 7 days old. If you have seen this before, it was not on this sub but one that does not have this rule.

AITA for making my husband and children prove they can take care of a dog without my help?

CONCLUDED

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18l0sjg/aita_for_making_my_husband_and_children_prove/

18l12g3

**I am still NOT the Original Poster. This post was found on Ask A Manager.** Alison's advice has been removed per her request, but you can find her advice linked at the bottom of the first section. New update marked with \*\*\*\*\* **Trigger Warnings:** >!assault; inpatient mental health stay!< **Mood Spoiler:** >!about as happy of an ending as could be hoped for in this situation!< **Original Post: April 12, 2023** I’m an executive assistant at an accounting firm, which means that this time of year I’m averaging between 60-70 hours a week. By nature of spending that much time with them, I’m much closer with my coworkers than I have been at any other workplace. I was recently assaulted after a horrible date went catastrophically wrong, leaving me with a very obvious bruise on my lip from being bitten, and fingerprints on one of my forearms. I’ve been wearing long sleeves to obscure the fingerprint bruising, but no amount of concealer has been enough to hide the teeth marks on my lip. Under normal circumstances I would probably take a week off to try and recover physically and mentally, but with the tax deadline coming up there’s just way too much to do for that to be an option (and I can’t work from home). Taking the time off would mean adding at least 10-15 hours of work to every other admin’s plate, and doing that would only make me feel worse about the situation. Obviously I would prefer not to recount the details of a very traumatic incident over and over again, but every time I walk to the break room, copier, or bathroom I find myself cornered by another well meaning coworker who wants to interrogate me about what happened. A simple “I’m fine but would prefer not to discuss it” hasn’t been enough to deter the increasingly intrusive questions, even when firmly repeated. The general response when I push back on giving more information is something along the lines of “I need to make sure you’re safe,” “But we’re friends, why don’t you trust me enough to tell me?” or “You can’t come into the office looking like that and expect us not to ask questions.” We’re a small accounting firm so we don’t have an HR department, and the person who would probably handle an HR issue is the person trying the hardest to get more information out of me! I understand the bruising is quite shocking, but I feel like I’m entitled to privacy during what has become a very difficult period of my life. Just convincing myself to show up to work at all is taking everything I have. At this point, what can I do? **Alison's** [Response](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/04/my-coworkers-keep-asking-about-my-assault.html) **Update** [Post](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/05/update-my-coworkers-keep-asking-about-my-assault.html)**: May 1, 2023 (3 weeks later)** Thank you so much for the advice! It was really helpful to get a more objective view of the situation, and to feel so much support from the commenters! Initially it seemed like some of your suggested responses were helping my coworkers understand how intrusive they were being. Unfortunately, things got significantly worse before they got better. One of the other admins in my office, Jane, would. not. leave me alone about it. She said she just wanted to help, so I tried your suggestion and said that what I really needed was to stop being asked about it constantly, and asked her to help field off the rest of the office. I said that I knew everyone meant well (although at this point I was really doubting whether that was true), but being interrogated about it fifty times a day was making it impossible to focus on my work, and that if she could discreetly tell our coworkers to cut it out I would be very grateful. She agreed, but instead of doing anything helpful she convinced another of our coworkers, Jack, that cornering me in the kitchen and refusing to let me leave unless I told him what happened would solve all of my issues. From what I pieced together after the fact, she thought that I wasn’t telling anyone what happened because I was afraid of whoever did this to me and that having a strong man on my side to protect me would fix it. (?!?!?!) Later that afternoon I went to the kitchen to make a mug of tea, and Jack came up behind me to ask about the bruises again. I didn’t know he was there, so I jumped when he started talking, then tried scooting past him so I wouldn’t be blocked into a small room by a very large and strong man. He put his hand up on the wall to prevent me from leaving, and said he wasn’t going to move until I told him what happened. I feel somewhat bad about this, but I completely lost it on him. Everything had been building up for days at this point, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. The constant pestering was hard enough, but being physically trapped by a man so soon after being assaulted pushed me over the edge. I started yelling. “What the fuck do you think happened, Jack? Are the literal bite marks not enough to get the point across? I have been doing everything I can to keep coming in here every day so that everyone else won’t have to take on another 15 hours of work this week when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die, and the only thanks I get is to constantly be cornered and interrogated about my face! I think it’s pretty clear what happened! I don’t understand why you think this is any of your goddamn business! I am traumatized! I am trying to do everyone here a favor in the middle of the worst thing that has ever happened to me and every single one of you has only made things ten times worse! You are not helping and I cannot do this anymore!” I was hysterically sobbing, Jack was stumbling over himself trying to apologize and get out of my way, and since literally everyone in the office was within earshot of me yelling, every other coworker was either staring at us horrified or guiltily trying to avoid eye contact with me. I didn’t have it in me to try and do anything else, so I walked to my desk, grabbed my keys, and left everything else behind. Luckily I was able to get an emergency session with my therapist scheduled that evening, where we decided that a few days in an inpatient facility would be hugely beneficial in my recovery. I’m still frustrated with my office, because I don’t think that would have been necessary had they just listened to me, but it is what it is. I notified my immediate supervisor that I would be using PTO for the rest of the tax season, and that I was planning on returning at the end of April but I’d be in touch with more specific details when I was able. My office pays for every employee and a plus one to go on a week long, all expenses paid vacation to Costa Rica right after tax season ends as a thank you for all of our hard work. I almost didn’t go because I was so afraid of seeing my coworkers again after my outburst, but I decided I’d worked too damn hard to turn down a very expensive stay in an all inclusive resort. The airport gate was the first time I’d seen anyone since my breakdown, and it was incredibly awkward. For the most part, people seemed too ashamed to talk to me at all. One of my supervisors did come over to personally apologize for not stepping in earlier, and said that the entire company really just wanted me to enjoy the vacation. She said she couldn’t think of a single member of our team who deserved it more than me, and that she didn’t want to get into things until we were actually back at work, but wanted to tell me that I would not be facing any repercussions so that I didn’t have to worry about it while I was supposed to be on vacation. She also let me know that the company would be upgrading me from economy to business on the flight there and back, giving me a gift certificate for the resort spa, issuing me a bonus in my next paycheck as a token of their appreciation for all my hard work, as well as granting me an extra week of PTO to replace the time off I’d had to use at the end of tax season. The resort ended up being big enough that I didn’t see a single one of my coworkers the entire week we were there, which I will forever be grateful for. Seeing as my life is not an episode of Criminal Minds, I’m still pretty upset with the way my coworkers treated me in their quest for juicy information. However, the bonus I received will more than cover my mental health care expenses since I’m lucky enough to have very good health insurance, sitting in the sun on a beautiful beach did wonders for my state of mind, and not a single intrusive question has been asked since I’ve returned to the office. I’ve received handwritten apologies from both Jack and Jane that seem very genuine, my clients were all handled perfectly while I was out, and for the most part things have gone back to normal. My biggest takeaway is that I’m allowed to advocate for myself and my needs, and that even if it’s inconvenient, your company will always find a way to make it work. I will absolutely be taking the time off in the future if I need it, as I probably could have avoided a lot of the stress I’ve experienced over the past month if I had just done that from the start. Honestly I just hope I can move on, and that my coworkers have learned that a good bit of gossip is not more important than someone’s actual feelings! **Editor's note: I liked this person's comment on the update post, and it's a good reminder for us.** I know everyone means well, but can we not do the “I can’t believe she didn’t do XYZ” or “she should have done XYZ” or “I would have done XYZ” thing? Speaking as someone with who’s been assaulted, you don’t \*know\* how you’d react in that situation. People have different threat responses (flee/fight/freeze/fawn) and they’re not usually voluntary. Even people who have self-defense training sometimes freeze, and–especially if you have a freeze or fawn reaction–it can feel like criticism when people are like “why didn’t you knee him?” or “\*I\* would have punched him.” (People who freeze get shamed for “letting” it happen, and people who fawn–that is, try to de-escalate or defuse the situation–get shamed for “going along” with it.) Well, sometimes the answer is: I literally could not move. I couldn’t get the “kick him” signal or the “run” signal from my brain to my muscles. I thought of doing it, I tried to do it, and… nothing happened. Or sometimes it’s that you literally couldn’t even think of doing it. That in the moment, it doesn’t even occur to you that it’s an option because your physiological response is overwhelming and shutting down any rational functioning. If were OP and I were reading this (which I very much hope she is \*not\*) after having been traumatized by her attacker and then re-traumatized by her employer and coworkers, responses that can be read as “you should have done what I imagine I would have done when you were physically trapped by a man trying to force you to relieve your assault for him” can also be a form of re-traumatization. **\*\*\*\*\*New Update** [Post](https://www.askamanager.org/2023/12/update-my-coworkers-keep-asking-about-my-assault-2.html)**: December 11, 2023 (7 months later)\*\*\*\*\*** I am still working for the same company, and I truly love my job. After everything that happened, the owners have really gone above and beyond in supporting me. About a month after my previous update, Jack and Jane both left the company. Officially they both resigned, but the owners of the firm let me know that had they not resigned, they would have been fired. The owners also let me know that they wanted to let the two of them go immediately after what happened, but due to some behind the scenes issues with clients and contracts it wasn’t a feasible option. They apologized profusely for any additional distress that caused me. They held individual meetings with the remaining members of my office to review appropriate ways to express concern for your coworkers, and issued strong reminders that it is not acceptable to keep pushing for answers when someone says no. I was given a private office to help me feel safer at work, so I can protect my own space and never have to worry about someone walking up behind me. Typically our office doors don’t have locks on them, but they installed one on mine to give me some extra peace of mind. After tax season ended, I was told to take off at least three weeks (which were fully paid, and not withdrawn from my PTO balance!!) to rest, recover, and go do something fun. I ended up taking a full month off at the beginning of the summer. I spent a lot of that time backpacking, which really helped me regain a sense of control over my life and body, and develop a lot of trust in my own strength. Those couple of weeks spent in the desert/mountains, along with some intensive therapy, were exactly what I needed to feel okay returning to work and everyday life. I had my annual review about two weeks ago, and I was extremely nervous going into it. I didn’t meet a lot of the goals I should have this year due to everything that happened, so I wasn’t sure how the meeting would go. It was AMAZING. I met with the owners of the company and the two partners that I assist. They opened by acknowledging that I had experienced some truly extenuating circumstances this year, some of which were directly their fault, and said that given everything going on I had worked harder than anyone would have expected me to. In their eyes, I had not only met all of my goals, I had vastly exceeded them. They said they had nothing but the highest praise for me, and will do whatever they can to keep me long term. They gave me a 10% raise and changed my compensation structure so that despite being a salaried employee, I will be paid out at my hourly rate for unused comp time at the end of every fiscal year in an extra paycheck. I was already being paid pretty generously, but with the new compensation structure it feels a little crazy to see my projected pay for the year. My mom has a master’s degree and 30 years of work experience and only makes half of what I do, and I don’t even have an associate’s degree! Ultimately I feel like the owners of the firm realized that their inaction at the start of this whole mess is what enabled things to get as bad as they did, and I feel confident that nothing like it will ever happen again. They’ve really done a lot to make it clear how much they adore me and appreciate my work. I would be happy to stay long term. Recovering from the aftermath of the assault has required a lot of hard work on my part, but overall I feel like my life is actually in a much better place now than it was before. I was able to move out of the 600 square foot apartment I was sharing with two roommates and into my own apartment with my two cats. I had to withdraw from all of my classes after the assault, but this semester I was able to start taking part time classes again. I recently started dating a wonderful man who is incredibly kind and so patient with me. After our first kiss I had a panic attack (PTSD really knows how to spice things up) which was mortifying, but he stayed with me until it passed and then for another hour to make sure I was actually okay. He’s been amazing at checking in with me to make sure I’m comfortable and constantly reassures me that nothing is wrong with me. I really wondered whether I’d ever feel safe again, but I can honestly say that even though life looks a little different than I had imagined, I feel happy and stable. Thank you (and the commenters!) for all of the kind suggestions and support. It has really meant a lot to know that I have so many people rooting for me!

New Update 7 months later: My coworkers keep asking about my assault

NEW UPDATE

LucyAriaRose

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18l12g3/new_update_7_months_later_my_coworkers_keep/

18l8rth

**I am not The OOP, OOP is** u/ThrowRA_gecko **My (23f) fiancé (27m) actively chooses his mom (63f) over me** **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!emotional manipulation, past trauma, sexual and financial exploitation!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/ymzwEtTZ8w)  **Dec 2, 2023** My fiancé and I started seeing each other 2.5 years ago. We met in college and it immediately clicked, but we stayed closest friends for an entire year before starting to date. After a couple of weeks of regular talking, he asked me to join him and his mom for a coffee, since we coincidentally met in a store. I went with them and she knew A LOT about me upfront. I didn’t think much of it, since I also told my mom about meeting someone great and described a few details. It was then that I realized that he still lived with his mom being 24 at the time. Still not a big deal, since we all didn’t make much or even any money during college. Only after we actually started seeing each other officially I noticed that he has a strangely close relationship with his mom. He jokingly said a couple of times that he would always choose her over me but I can see myself as a guest in their home. Then he almost always took his mom the places we discovered together, to show her how cool it is and we have very little „us-exclusive places“.A few months ago I had major troubles in my shared flat and needed to move out rather quickly. He then offered me to move in with them, which I gladly took (since my family lives too far away to still continue my daily routine). I never had a real close relationship to neither my dad nor my mom. Therefore I tried to be extra understanding and careful about that and tried to tolerate as much as possible, since I really don’t know how a healthy parental relationship should look like. But there were a few things, that were just too much: They have their ritual on going out for lunch and coffee every Saturday and I was always welcome to join them. Once I was sick and he mentioned that it is so cool to have a „OG-day“. I was hurt and even told him before they left and he shrugged it off by saying he was joking. His mom added:“ Can I get hugs and kisses from you, sweetheart? I miss this, since I don’t get them since your fiancé moved in with us“ while I was standing right next to them. A few weeks ago he encouraged me to start an OF-Account together since it would help us build our future. I asked him if it was to finance the wedding but he said that it wasn’t only for that but also for his mom to go to university again just for fun, just because she feels like entering a course out of curiosity which costs a shit ton of money.  Not to forget about the Birkin Bag that he wants to buy her from the money we make by selling (mostly) my body. This would be a rare occasion where we would be intimate, since he doesn’t want to have sex while his mom is at home, so we basically wait like teenagers for her to go out with friends. I get more and more frustrated. Last week I received an offer for a scholarship for my next education, which is going to be the most expensive one so far. The conditions are that I sign up for the 5 following years after graduation to work wherever they need me within the country I live in. If I manage to complete this I get 80 % of the paid tuition fees back. This would be when I am 29 and my fiancé 33. After telling him if he’d be willing to move out of the city to the countryside, he quickly said that I can find my own place and he’ll stay with his mom in the city. And today my possible final straw happened. We both had a rough year and planned on going on vacation together. It has never been in the picture that we take her with us. She came into our room and asked if we plan on taking the car to our destination or go by train. He was stumbling around with words and best he came up with was:“ We plan on taking the train but if you want to come with us, I’ll drive you of course“. His understood that I was upset and went for a walk with me alone and apologized for the mess she created. She meant well by raising him as the cool parent and trying to prevent him from being emotionally scarred. She then admitted, that he is way too attached to her and is amazed how I still keep up with their shit. She then told me that she is softly trying to chuck him out since she is still paying for most of his living expenses and that she wants to enjoy her recent retirement. She also told me that she stopped the extensive hugs and kisses back then after he reached a certain height where he dug his head into her breast and it was the moment she realized she had to ease things out.I am actually still grossed out by certain details of his mom and my convo and fuming about the fact that she is now officially invited to join our planned city trip. Today I am heavily questioning if I want him to be my future husband, how I can help him to start his own life, OUR life, if it is worth the fight and if someone has similar experiences and how it resolved. Thanks from an only child out of a cold, more distant family structure! TLDR: Fiancé includes his mom into our life on every occasion, not sure if I want to continue that relationship under current circumstances **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Ok_Copy_8869** >It is definitely a massive red flag that he would consider doing an Onlyfans - with you- to fund hobbies and luxury items for his mom.  Run don’t walk.  I am actually dating a guy who would be exactly like your fiancé if the story stopped before the Onlyfans shit and the only reason this ever worked is that in cosmic good luck his mom met a guy almost the same time he met me, so they both were ready to transition to a more reasonable level of relationship but even so there’s so much baggage it has me second thinking things some times when one of them decides the balance is off.   >You are several steps beyond that and more, yuck. **OOP** >>The OnlyFans story also upsets me, since he'd be willing to sell my body in order to give his mom something.   To your situation: that's good to hear, that they had no trouble to transition. My fiancé's mom is single since she divorced his dad in 2010 in order to take care of her child and not risk anyone mistreating him. It's pretty much a lost cause in that regard. >>Anyways! Thank you for your take on this & good luck with your partner. * [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/eQX6fKMdvO)  **Dec 11, 2023** After reading all of your advice and talking to my therapist about how to approach it in the best way possible, I made the decision to sit them both down at a table and express how their behavior is inflicting me, my mental health and everyday life. Right after finishing my monologue his mom tried to tell me how this form of living is actually normal from an evolutionary-biological perspective and tried to compare us three to wolves and their packs but didn't bother to mention apes once. Then she went on how we're doing good economical and environmental work by sharing a flat and that we could make this work somehow. She genuinely wanted to save the situation but honestly made everything worse by that. They both know that the scholarship I previously mentioned was to become a doctor. Therefore I just sat there and grinned as I said to her face how enlightened I'll leave this apartment, knowing I am now one step closer to learn about the real biological evolution and how this living conditions are nothing but vile and mental. My fiancé wanted to sit down with me alone after and was willing to put everything behind in order to keep me. I know this sounds exactly like what I originally wanted, but I just know (from being his best friend, girlfriend and now fiancé) that he is not ready for that right now. I left him the business card of a highly recommended trauma therapist that is specialized on C-PTSD patients that experience trauma within their family. I'll offered to drive him there and pick him up in order to be able to decompress in silence in the car but he'll have to do therapy all by himself. He immediately agreed since he saw how serious this situation was and called the therapist right away. He'll start to go to trauma therapy from next week on. We didn't inform his mom on that since this situation is already messed up enough. Still I made up my mind, that this is not a life worth living. I'll take the scholarship and go to med school. My fiancé and I called it quits today and have broken off the engagement officially. We still love each other but agreed on that it's best to see what time and therapy can change. It's a 4 hours drive and my fiancé will always be welcome. Currently not as my romantic partner but hopefully as my dearest friend. Thanks to all the Redditors that took their time and managed to get me back on track. From the general vibe in the previous comment section: I feel like this can be considered a happy ending. TLDR: I began to pack my stuff today and will leave them behind **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP**

My (23f) fiancé (27m) actively chooses his mom (63f) over me

CONCLUDED

Direct-Caterpillar77

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18l8rth/my_23f_fiancé_27m_actively_chooses_his_mom_63f/

18lbcy1

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/corgiccino **Originally posted to** r/relationship_advice **My (26F) estranged sister (23F) wants to talk to me months after almost ruining my wedding day. How should I respond?** Trigger Warnings: >!abuse, drug use, mentions of mental breakdown!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18cwkt7/my_26f_estranged_sister_23f_wants_to_talk_to_me/?share_id=ajkEG_nkzv32cqoy7r2cM&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 7, 2023** My sister (23F) and I (26F) have a complicated relationship. Our parents divorced when we were young, and we lived with our narcissistic mother until I left to stay with my dad at age 16, her staying with our mom, whom I’m now no contact with. We went through a lot together in childhood, and were there for each other when our mom was abusive. However as we grew up, we bickered like normal sisters do throughout our teenage years, except it would get intense at times and we would yell at each other and get into some nasty fights. It goes without saying that we had trauma, and I was our mom’s scapegoat while she was the golden child. In our adult life over the past 5-6 years, I’ve shown only compassion and kindness towards her, even when I wouldn’t agree with a lot of her bad decisions and lifestyle choices and has done morally questionable things for money (she’s been arrested, had DUI’s, is a dancer at a club, has OnlyFans, dates married “sugar daddies”, etc). I can see that our childhood trauma had a negative impact on her, and she very clearly has mental illness, which I believe she’s at least aware of. Our relationship hasn’t been super close, as we are COMPLETE opposites, but in general it’s been okay. I’ve always invited her to my boyfriend’s family’s events, etc but have always walked on eggshells around her because that’s how short tempered and unstable she is. Fast forward to my wedding this April. She arrives very late, completely missing the ceremony and and almost misses photos, seems “out of it”, and my first instinct is she’s already drunk or something, but I let it slide. I don’t even show my frustration towards her. Later in the evening during the reception, someone lets me know that my now-MIL and other family members saw my sister snorting cocaine or some other drug right next to the bar. Obviously embarrassed, I try not to let it bother me, and continue on with my big day. Then, an hour or so later, I find out she’s had a mental breakdown in the bathroom and our other sister (half sister) has to take her home. Later that evening once my now-husband and I arrive at our cabin for the night, I see MULTIPLE texts from her consisting of very hateful, toxic things such as I’ve always tried to look better than her ever since we were kids, I’ve always put her down, and she doesn’t want to be in my life anymore because it “feels wrong”. It upset me deeply that night, and never texted her back. She texted me last night for the first time since April, saying “can we talk soon? Hope you’re doing okay”. Truthfully, I don’t know if I want to talk to her. I simply don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I want to reconnect with her. She’s very toxic, and while I know she has mental illness and have felt bad for her over the past few years, I want to protect myself too. What would you do? &nbsp; *RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Left_Sour_Mouse:** Yeah, no. That does not sound like a beginning of an apology and by no means an acknowledgement of her actions. It just sounds like she wants something from you. You need to get out of that Karpman triangle. >**OP:** Exactly -- I can't tell if she wants to apologize. Why couldn't she have started her text by apologizing and admitting her wrongdoings instead of just saying she wants to talk? Who knows if she's going to take accountability once I open that door of communication. **Odd_Review1028:** NTA. You do not have to ever respond or you can just say no. You have the right to protect yourself. It just depends on if you are in a place where you can handle being in contact without a negative impact on you. >**OP:** Thank you for your advice. Truthfully, I don't think I have the mental capacity for her toxicity. Based on her text alone, I can't tell if she wants to apologize or not. I've dealt with it for the first half of my life from my mother, and I'm afraid of disrupting my peace by opening that door. > >Deep down - even after everything - I feel obligated to respond, because she's my sister, but I have to keep telling myself she's an adult now, too. Why couldn't she have just started off her text with an apology? &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18dvvzq/update_my_26f_estranged_sister_23f_wants_to_talk/?share_id=w02fos9sV3QvAB4ryqsz3&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **Dec 8, 2023** A link to my previous post from yesterday: (https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/aVmMoCLID4) Thank you to everyone who responded and provided valuable feedback, I truly appreciate it. I decided not to respond so I could think about it, and allow myself to get back to her when I was ready. She sent the following text today after receiving no response: https://imgur.com/a/mlGeArS **TRANSCRIPT OF A TEXT MESSAGE BETWEEN SISTER AND OOP** **SISTER – BLACK, OOP – BLUE** **Sis:** Nvm its cool, your too busy living ur perfect cookie cutter life that you worked so hard to ditch your real roots Im not gonna beg my blood sister to talk to me. **OOP:** And that right there is why I didn’t respond. I think it’s best for both of us for the time being that we do not have a relationship. In recent years, all we seem to do is make each other unhappy unintentionally. If that changes, I’ll let you know. Please respect my boundaries. I hope you are well and wish you all the best. **END OF TRANSCRIPT** Before I could send the response you see in the screenshot, she blocked me, so my message didn’t go through. I suppose if she ever unblocks me, she will see it. I have blocked her as well. I was afraid that she hasn’t changed, and this would be how she acts. So I’m relieved she let has let herself out of my life. I’ve taken the necessary measures - including years of therapy - to better myself from our abusive childhood, and broke the cycle. I hope eventually she can do the same. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **GalleonRaider:** The sister is toxic as hell and shows that she is jealous and will always take the first opportunity to attack OP. Being "blood" doesn't mean anything if that "blood" relative is a horrible person and unhealthy to have a relationship with. >**OP:** A commenter on my first post mentioned how she could possibly be envious of how my life has turned out compared to hers, however she’s had every same opportunity as me, and has allowed herself to become this way. I refuse to let her drag me down with her. > >She’s mentioned to me once that she realizes she has some mental issues, and “suddenly feels really strong emotions”. She’s self aware, so I just hope she eventually seeks the help she desperately needs. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

My (26F) estranged sister (23F) wants to talk to me months after almost ruining my wedding day. How should I respond?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18lbcy1/my_26f_estranged_sister_23f_wants_to_talk_to_me/

18lbd7c

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/LittleBabymachuza **Originally posted to** r/offmychest **Husbands Browser history destroyed me!** **Editor’s Note: Added spaces and changed letters to names for readability** Trigger Warnings: >!mentions of infertility, cancer, porn addiction, infidelity, rape!< ---- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/ym9lkd/husbands_browser_history_destroyed_me/?share_id=fOIrwGI-MLmfQTptiiTDW&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 4, 2022** For context. I’m Alexis (F36) and Zachary is (40M). We have been married 8 years. We are incredibly happy. Don’t get me wrong we have had a lot of hurdles. Infertility. (Have 3 wonderful kids now) and I had breast cancer (2019, chemo, mastectomy and radiation and multiple surgeries since) but we have gotten through some off the toughest things together. Our connection is rare. Everyone always says to me you guys are the real deal. That love is rare. I married my best friend. My ride or die. It was effortless to be together. We are in sync. We rarely fight if we do they are more spats about who is getting up with the kids or emptying the dishwasher. Nothing big. Ever. I’ve shared all of me with Zachary. I’m a see through person. I don’t hide anything. On Tuesday this week, I awoke with our kids and Zachary got to sleep in. He had left his phone downstairs and I looked through it. I checked his browsing history and found him looking up erotic spa massage parlours. The date coinciding when he was in New York for a week in August. I didn’t think much of it but thought I’ll bring it up when he wakes up. I honestly thought he would have some story or some excuse as to why that was on his phone. I brought it up and I knew by the look on his face something had happened. He told me he did it. He explained what it was. How fucking stupid he is. How he is broken. In that moment I felt like I broke. This man who is my home, my world paid to have another woman give him a hand job. I asked have you done it before and he said once. Before we started dating. But he admitted to being addicted to porn. I should say our sex life is great. I HAD zero complaints. He started therapy Wednesday for porn addiction and this. He cried a lot when I confronted him. Was transparent in that he has been struggling. Tried to explain it wasn’t me. It was him. He is showing remorse and wants to change. He said he can’t believe he did this to me. Well Zachary I can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t breathe. I have to mom all day to my kids and I barely feel capable of brushing my teeth. I guess I’m wondering can relationships ever come back from this? I love him so much. He is an incredible dad and partner. I want to stay together. I don’t want anything to change. He made a mistake. Can we survive? Right now I look at him and I want to cry. I’m just trying to survive the next ten minutes of this new life that is apparently mine. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **m608297:** Any direction you go from here is not going to be easy. I’m so sorry you are hurt and I hope you are able to heal from this over time. I suggest group therapy and personal therapy to acquire any tools/outlets to handle this road. >**OP:** Thank you I am already in therapy so I will definitely add this in. I have never done group but I will look into it. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18ftsov/update_from_post_one_year_ago_about_husbands/) - **December 11, 2023 (one year later)** I wanted to give an update as over a year ago I posted about how my husband's browser history destroyed me. You can click my profile to see my original post. First, I want to say that this past year was anything but easy but I'm thankful for the growth from it. My husband and I talked for what felt like days at a time when all of this went down. He was transparent and honest about everything. There was no trickle truth and nothing else was uncovered. This provided a baseline for us. We knew we both had to work on things, primarily him. He started with sexual addiction therapy as this all started as a teen and porn habits. I was already in therapy for all I went through with my cancer treatments, IVF and rape as a teenager. My therapist helped me work on my spirals and panic attacks. My husband went back to his teenage years to focus on when and why he started using porn. Then when it turned into a coping mechanism, why he chose to do it over meeting women and all the way through to what happened with us. All through our individual therapy we would be transparent about it all, but also allowed each other privacy if they didnt feel like sharing everything. We both opted to always be an open book. Lots of tears. But, through these moments we found each other. We chose each other. We learned more about each other than we ever did before. We became closer. Our intimacy on every level got better. Sex, communication, emotional, spiritually, across the board it all got better. Now reading that it seems all sunshine, rainbows and sprinkles. It was not. My body keeps the score and I have a huge scar from what he did. There will always be pain when I think about DDay and what he did. However, I have forgiven him. I realized that the pain I feel for what he did, which is minimal now, would be so significantly less to the pain I would be in if we were not together. We have so much great in our life and I (we) feel lucky to be with each other. This past august, with the kids' help he re-proposed to me. Our ten year anniversary is in 2024 and we plan on renewing our vows. From this I am signing off wishing all of you happy holidays. Thank you to every single person who took the time to respond to my original post. 💕 &nbsp; # **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

Husbands Browser history destroyed me!

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18lbd7c/husbands_browser_history_destroyed_me/

18lbdl3

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Chemical-Scarcity964 **Originally posted to** r/AITAH **AITAH for refusing to help my FIL with a vehicle?** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, deaths of loved ones, financial struggles!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18a6pyn/aitah_for_refusing_to_help_my_fil_with_a_vehicle/) - **Dec 3, 2023** I (38F) have been married to my husband (43M) for almost 15 years. My FIL has never really accepted me as family. He referred to me as "my son's wife" for the first 5 years of my marriage & when he convinced us to go halves on a property insisted on only his & my husband's names on a survivors deed, "in case we divorced". In the last few years, he has struggled financially due mostly to poor choices he made. His wife, husband's step mom, is much older & has medical problems leading him to choose to work mostly from home. He has traded in vehicles numerous times in the last few years, supposedly trying to lower his payments, but is always upside-down on the loans that it doesn't work. He is paying close to $1000 a month on a minivan. Now here is my problem. My FIL is currently trying to guilt trip my husband into giving him one of several vehicles I inherited. I had two uncles pass away 3 weeks apart during the holidays more than a year ago & I am still going through the probate process because they passed so close together. I do not have the court's permission to do anything with their vehicles yet. He told my husband how much it would help him to have one of the vehicles so that he could let his car go back on repo & not have to make the payments. I may have considered it too, if he had waited more than a couple weeks after my both uncles passed away. I was, quite litterally, knee deep in a horders paradise, trying to clean out their apartment within the month to avoid having to pay rent because i couldnt afford it and had no access to their money (strike one). He picked out which vehicle he wanted, the most valuable of the 4, rather than asking if we had plans for them yet (strike two). Then he asked my husband to give him said vehicle (strike three). As a cherry on top, asked my husband again (still has never asked me) to give him a $10k vehicle after we pay for all the little repairs it needs, of course. Here is where I might me the Asshole: Do I need the vehicle? No. Could I use the money from its sale? Yes, but I could live without it, too, as our finances are better now. Will I sign it over to him? Never. This is far from the first time that man has shown utter disrespect for me & he can pay for rides before I give him any vehicle. Yes, I am probably being a little childish. The only reason I hesitate, I actually like his wife & it would help her to some extent. Edit to add: My husband has already told me that the vehicles are mine & I can do whatever I want with them. Since it's been mentioned a few times: he has been bought out on the property & my name added. Edit for clarity & to address the most common responses: My husband acts as a buffer against FIL for the sake of my sanity. He has told FIL multiple times that the vehicles are not his to do anything with, but the man is intentionally dense. His wife cannot legally own a car as it cannot be registered in her name (no license) I will not loan/rent him a vehicle as I can't trust that he will maintain it. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **akhoneygirl:** Offer him the worst for 3 or 4000! >**OP:** That's part of it. He wants us to fix & give him the vehicle. All of them need at least a few hundred in repairs. He has no interest in paying us for anything. He is just set on guilt tripping his son. My husband has told me everything from the start & said it's all up to me, my uncles, my vehicles, my decision. **SawwhetMA:** So FIL set you up to lose out on a property if your SO passed away before FIL did? I'm glad to hear you bought him out and that's set now . If you find it in your heart to give him one of the vehicles then you may be a better person than I because I'm not sure if I could, given the history. What if (when probate is set and all) you offer to rent him one of the vehicles? Obviously that isn't what he wants, but you'd get some income but still own it to sell it when he was done with the vehicle? Good luck! >**OP:** He would run it into the ground & I would end up having to go get it when he refused to pay. It's just frustrating because I like his wife & would consider doing it to help her, if he would just man up & ask. Instead, he tries to play the poor me card. **Dixieland_Insanity:** INFO: How does he know what you're inheriting from your uncles. Why does he think he's entitles to any of it? >**OP:** He knew my uncles fairly well since they were basically the last of my family. He doesn't really know what the full inheritance is, but the vehicles were the most obvious. He has told him no a couple of times. Everything FIL gets tight on funds he asks again. **Cdn_Giants_Fan:** Not The A•H. But that said I would probably sell him one of the vehicles for its bluebook value and say pay 100 bucks a week. And if he says anything about it saybthat perhaps if you weren't such an asshat to me I would've just let you have it. Then if he starts being nice after it's partially paid off tell him hes good. He learns a lesson and you earn some money. >**OP:** I would never see a dime. He thinks that being "the father" means he is owed something from my husband and, by extension, me. Honestly, even if he offered me full value in cash, I would probably laugh at him & tell him to shove off. **VadersLoversLover:** Gift it to your MIL with a lien on it so he can’t change to title. >**OP:** Due to a medical issue, she can't drive and had to surrender her license. That makes it impossible to register it in her name because she can't be insured as a driver. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18g6tlx/update_helping_fil_with_a_vehicle/) - **Dec 11, 2023** You guys asked for an update, so here you go. I have had a long talk with my husband about FIL & his "request" for one of the vehicles I had inherited. I showed him my original post & he got a good laugh out of some of the suggestions (especially the toy car). We have agreed that the only way to handle his constant hints & requests, is for me to draft an email to him. For reference: FIL loves to send me rude & demanding emails when he "feels unheard." The email will not be sent until I know that probate is done & is as "polite & civil" as I can possibly write it. The jist of the email I typed up is this: " I understand that you have been asking husband to gift you one of my uncles' vehicles. Unfortunately, you have chosen to speak to the wrong person. I have told you before that, in some things, his business is his & mine is mine. The vehicles that you keep asking about are mine. As such, I have decided that they will be sold at a fair market value. The funds will be split evenly into savings accounts for my daughters, as a seed for their futures. I already have buyers lined up for the vehicles & will be arranging times for them to be collected shortly. I hope you can understand my desire to ensure that my childrens' futures are secure, as my uncles would have wanted. " I am tempted to sign it as "husband's wife" but am undecided right now. Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. Your thoughts & support helped me a lot. I was genuinely on the fence as to whether or not I was being too sensitive about everything. You were all amazing & supportive about the entire mess. I just hope that this email to him puts an end to his covert begging once & for all (at least about this). And yes, my husband is behind me 100% and has no issues with my approach. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

AITAH for refusing to help my FIL with a vehicle?

CONCLUDED

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18lbdl3/aitah_for_refusing_to_help_my_fil_with_a_vehicle/

18leqr1

**This is BestofRedditorUpdates. I am not the OP. This is a repost. Originally posted by u/CapnDonkey four years ago on /r/AmItheAsshole** Reposting because 'tis the season! Mood spoiler: >!positive!< &#x200B; [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e1oy5c/aita_if_i_cancel_christmas_because_i_cant_afford/) *(Nov 26, 2019)* **AITA if I "cancel" Christmas because I can't afford it this year?** Title says it all, sole provider for family, all credit cards maxed, negative bank balance, upcoming missed payments until my next check, basically destitute for the foreseeable future. My wife and I usually decorate on Black Friday, but this year I don't want to. The thought of putting up our fake tree knowing I'll have nothing to put under it fills me with such a mix of shame, anger, and pain. I would prefer to just let December pass and cut out as many things as I can until I can get my finances under control. Plus, my daughter is 2. She won't know, care, or even remember one missed Christmas. So, AITA? I'm already a failure as a husband and father, so what say you here? &#x200B; **Judgment: YTA** >A very gentle YTA > >Decorating with stuff you have wont cost anything but will make your wife happy. Christmas isnt about presents under the tree. Its the memories you make around that tree with people you love. Let her decorate if she wants to. > >Youre also an asshole to yourself in this post. Listen. Debt cripples people. It crushes them and spits them out so it has room to gobble up another guy. You arent a failure. You gotta be nicer to yourself man. Good luck. &#x200B; The comments were a mix of YTA, NAH, and NTA. Comments were generally encouraging. >NAH but just because you don't have anything to put under the tree doesn't mean you can't celebrate. Don't celebrate the presents (or lack thereof). Celebrate the things you do have, a wife who loves you, a daughter who will be thrilled to just spend time with her father. No need to spend money to celebrate. There's absolutely no need to feel shame just because you can't afford things. &#x200B; >YTA- but I say that gently. Your kiddo is only two. You can make the best Christmas with very very little. You have a month to look on FB market. Do you have Nextdoor in your area? We’ve gotten a bunch of free stuff for the kids that neighbors give away. Check garage sales. My oldest thinks he’s the king of the world if we give him $5 and take him to the dollar store. It’s all junk that ends up trashed eventually from breaking but he loves it. Stream a Christmas movie and have cocoa. If you have access to a printer, print a bunch of Christmas coloring pages and have a color party. Walmart has $1 bathtub paint that’s basically soap. > >Don’t be so hard on yourself. There will be plenty of Christmases where you can go all out and those will be remembered. &#x200B; **Updates added to the post the following day:** THIS HAS SPUN OUT OF CONTROL! I never thought my sad man pity party would get this kind of response. I was expecting to be called an asshole, validate my self loathing, and claw my way out of debt by working harder. I did not expect the absolute torrent of love and support that I in no way deserve or can accept. INFO (And I am so sorry for not making this crystal clear in the original post): Our mortgage and utilities are paid. There is food in our fridge and my next paycheck(s) is secure, even though it, too, will all go to bills with none left over for gifts. I pretended not to notice that we weren't keeping up our pre-child lifestyle without credit cards and I got in over my head and now have to dig myself out of a relatively deep hole meaning I won't have money for gifts and meals out and holiday gatherings and whatnot for a good bit of time to come. But, I have a great job and an outstanding family support system who all live close by and know what debt feels like and will understand if we can't chip in this year with anything but our presence, but it just felt shameful to have the advantages I have and still manage to fuck it up as bad as I did without asking for help. As for all the people begging me to accept help, here is why I can't: I make a good salary. There is no chance of me or my family going hungry. We have food and will have money for food budgeted into my paychecks, which are secure as my job is secure. I have an extremely well funded 401k from 18 years of office work and life insurance to safeguard my family. Thank you all who were offering food. Thank you all who offered to buy my 2 year old's amazon wish list. She's 2 and does not have one. My wife and I had already decided that she has too many toys and so we had only things like books and a learning tablet in mind for her. She'll be ok if we can't buy her "stuff". She already has "stuff". Her close in age cousins live on our street and we exchange toys and clothes all the time and both our houses are cluttered with "stuff". This was not about garnering pity or soliciting charity. It was my insecurity equating gifts with love that warped Christmas for me. It almost ruined Christmas for me. Regardless of the vote here, I truly am THE asshole for that. So please, turn your charity to your communities, your neighbors. Not some middle class jagoff who spent himself into debt trying to prove how much he loved a family that only needed him to be a happy and healthy presence at home. You all have humbled me beyond words, beyond charity. You have given me both the perspective and the courage to seek professional help, both financial and psychological, and hopefully it's not too late for this stupid old man to become a better father and husband. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. His spirit is truly embodied in all of you beautiful and selfless redditors. Never lose the light. Love and cheer to all. But as you can see, I deserve neither your charity nor your goodness, and I'm going to go disappear back into anonymity now if possible and work on me. Update for those concerned: I have not ever, even for a second, considered hurting myself. Not once. I'm showing my age here, but Goonies never say die. Update for INFO, and I hope this answers all the questions people had, as there were many, and so I'm just going to write a bio that answers them all: I live in the Mid-Atlantic United States. When we got pregnant (after 6 years of trying and failing and treatments and tears) we found out that it would cost us $50 a month for my wife to work her current job and put our daughter in full time daycare, as day care costs upwards of $1600 a month for even local co-ops, to say nothing of the $2100+ that most daycare companies were asking. The solution was for her to "retire" and take up the even harder job of full time mother. I work 8-5 at a day job and I pick up shifts DJing at a local bar at night and DJ private events/weddings/etc... when I can book them. My daughter was about to turn 2, and be able to start 3 day a week "preschool" for far less than the cost of 5 day a week daycare, meaning my wife could work again, at least part time. I was in the referral process to find a surgeon to do my vasectomy when we found out that despite using birth control, my wife was pregnant again. We're due in February, a little boy this time. Utter shock, disbelief, some truly unhealthy thoughts, and finally acceptance that I was going to have to continue to be the full time provider, as there was no way we could put 2 kids in full time care, so once again, my sainted wife will have to spend at least another 2 years as a full time mom. My wife and I are old people(42M, 40F) who tried to have kids earlier in life, but couldn't despite multiple treatments, and only succeeded when we stopped trying so hard and resigned ourselves to the thoughts of a comfortable dual income no kids lifestyle full of travel and memories. Bringing one life into this world at 40 after everything we went through was a laugh, only for life to turn around and "bless" me with a second child. My wife is overjoyed, and I am happy but terrified of how I will afford this. She applied for part time seasonal work to help with our bills, but the job she was hired for has given her exactly 2 shifts in 2 weeks, and taken one of those shifts away at the last minute due to overstaffing. She has a meeting with them today to find out if it's worth her time to stay employed there, dependent on if they can actually give her at the least 20 hours a week which she requested upon applying. We have had joint finances since we were engaged. We don't hide things from each other, we're both well aware of our money issues and have been working on ways to improve our financial situation. (Thank you all for the links and sites, I am bookmarking them all!). We have and will keep communication open. It was our promise made to each other 13 years ago to never shoulder our burdens alone. Lastly (hopefully, I know this is long) I am humbled by your offers of charity, dear strangers. Truly and deeply humbled. I cannot accept them, be it out of foolish pride or some other moral driver, but know that your kind words and even kinder offers have softened my resolve to cancel Christmas this year. I just spent 2 days with co-workers volunteering at 2 local food banks preparing meals, clothes, and groceries for the community, so if you're one of the many wonderful strangers who offered help, please give that help to your local charity. I have a roof over my head, and food in my belly, and I could not ask for more, not when I have so much already. I still dread the thought of lugging that old fake tree out of the laundry room, but my feelings have to come 3rd, here and always. My wife and daughter need the love and joy that that old tree will bring, and I need to give them everything I can, even if it's the just the spirit of the season. They deserve to feel the warmth of a festive home, and we already own the damn thing, so it's literally the least I can do. My presents will be the 1 million pictures my wife will take of our daughter pulling all the ornaments she can reach off the tree and showing them to her with that beautiful smile she has. Our families are close by, and our parents will no doubt do their best to spoil our daughter and I know it will be more than enough. UPDATE! Wife and I downloaded a budget app and are working with a family member who does financial planning. I, personally, spoke with someone (a professional) early this morning and in just the initial phone call she helped me realize that I was equating being able to give gifts with showing love to my family. Not being able to afford baubles isn't going to mean I love them less, and I will need to accept that and I will continue to work with her as long as my insurance will allow. Thanks to close friends with growing kids, we have an embarrassment of clothes and toys to sort through, and wrapping some of these items for my little girl to tear into is more than good enough for my wife and I. My wife and I have plenty of clothes. Thank you to all who have offered to purchase things for us. My heart bursts from the selfless and wonderful offers. But, I meant what I said when I asked you to please point your humongous hearts to your local charities. I have more than enough "things" and taking things from strangers to compensate for my poor spending habits feels wrong. It will be a tough few months, but I have a good job with opportunities to grow and am going to work with professionals to learn some much needed budget control, and work with a therapist to learn to accept help from family and friends when the new baby arrives and to be less hard on myself. I am also going to spend more time with my local food bank, I signed up to help build meal kits this week to be distributed for Christmas in my community. I'm planning on "giving" generously this season, just not in the consumerist sense. I think that's a "new tradition" that my family can and will preserve for years to come. Even y'all who called me a stupid cunt. Thank you, too, for keeping me grounded. To those of you who have asked how could I have tried for 6 years to have a kid and "not bothered to budget for it once it came" are greatly underestimating how much fertility treatments cost even with insurance, and how well and truly fucked American Healthcare really is. We are taking steps to ensure that this kid will be our last, and I actually brought up abortion but my wife would not even consider it. Thankful for that now. &#x200B; [Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/e8w7e6/update_aita_if_i_cancel_christmas_because_i_cant/) *(Dec 10, 2019)* So, it's been 2 weeks and somehow the messages are still coming in. Thankfully the offers of charity have stopped (here's hoping they were redirected to their communities) but a good deal of them asking whether or not I stopped being a grinch and started being a good husband and father again. So, to get those people placated first, here you go: I DECORATED. Pics without our faces only, sorry. [https://imgur.com/H4b2Cak](https://imgur.com/H4b2Cak) [Image of daughter standing in front of a decorated Christmas tree] [https://imgur.com/QySEGOS](https://imgur.com/QySEGOS) [Image of OP lifting his daughter in front of the tree] [https://imgur.com/w074cpg](https://imgur.com/w074cpg) [Another image of OP holding his daughter up in front of the tree] I also spoke with a financial advisor, who is helping me set up a budget for 2020, and a counselor who helped me realize that I was worth more than the goods I could offer someone. She recommended 2 separate therapists to me, and neither are taking new patients before the new year, so for now, my wife and I are working on our budget and cleaning out various corners of the house for things to sell. So far, we've gotten rid of some unused basement furniture, a mini fridge that has been empty for 2 years, a bunch of wine racks and paraphernalia (we don't drink at home since the baby was born 2 years ago, so no need to keep it around) as well as some other things and made about $750, more than enough to pay all the overdue bills, put some money in savings, and groceries in the cupboard. It's going to be a long road to pay off this cc debt, but we're finally addressing the issue head on and moving in the right direction. Since my last paycheck (that covered mortgage and utilities, no worries there, for those who asked if I was behind, thank you) I have also been offered (and taken) 3 DJ gigs for Holiday parties. 2 for personal friends/acquaintances businesses, 1 for a charity. I refused payment for the children's charity gig, instead offering to give the money right back to the kids instead, which was gratefully accepted by the organizer. The extra cash from the 2 paying gigs paid down some more debt, and was enough leftover to allow me to have bought some nice new books and a Moana doll for my little girl to open on Xmas morning, (to say nothing of the bags of presents from both sets of grandparents full of clothes and toys, so she'll be fine from a presents standpoint). Inspired by everyone's offers of charity, I volunteered again at Paul's Place in Baltimore, where this time I donned the hairnet and apron and served hot meals. Cell phones are prohibited inside, plus taking photos of yourself doing charity work defeats the purpose of said work. I also organized a food drive at my office to provide meal kits for Christmas for needy families, and we were able to donate 574 lbs of food to the MD Food Bank! Thank you to all who reached out and made me realize that I really was an asshole. I let my personal shortcomings almost ruin a holiday for my wife and child. It won't be as fancy as our last Christmases, but I have a feeling that this year will be very special to me, no matter how little is under my tree. I realized that I have all the gifts I need, and I cannot thank the beautiful people who offered up so much charity to a grumpy stranger. I didn't need to accept your gifts to accept your love, and the offers alone changed my life. Happy Holiday's y'all. &#x200B; \*\* **Again, I am not the OP. This is a repost.** \*\*a Editor's note: I love hearing everyone's childhood Christmas stories. thanks for sharing everyone!

A father asks if he's the asshole for canceling Christmas

REPOST

darklux-

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18leqr1/a_father_asks_if_hes_the_asshole_for_canceling/

18lixbc

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Limp-Dick_Calvin in r/energydrinks** (Edited to fix post links, forgive me I am on mobile) trigger warnings: >!food being shoved up one’s ass!< mood spoilers: >!strange, positive(??)!< --- &nbsp; [**Does making energy drinks into popsicles lower the efficacy of the caffeine? I enjoy mixing together multiple kinds of drinks and freezing them into caffeinesciles… but if the freezing process is degrading the caffeine molecules, I’ll stop immediately. I need maximum torque.**] [POST LINK](https://www.reddit.com/r/energydrinks/s/OTgiuMn1id) - December 8th, 2023 [Image post text: a hand holds up a homemade white popsicle with a green stick. In the immediate background, an opened can of Monster Energy Zero Ultra can be seen.] **RELEVANT COMMENTS:** **GospelAccordingTo:** If you want pure caffeine, then take caffeine pills. I wouldn’t mix them in drinks cause I think they have a bitterant of some sort in them and made the drink I made with them nasty > **OP:** oh, you’re saying if I mix energy drinks together the chemicals will react together and create a noxious gas as byproduct, not unlike the lethal gas serine that’s used in japanese terrorist attacks, due to the fact that it is invisible, odorless, and can be made using energy drinks? See, I thought that by freezing the energy drinks I could get around this problem, as at freezing temperature serine can’t exist in gas form. But still I would be dealing with potentially toxic precipitate in my caffeinsicle nonetheless. **nxnaa:** hey can you share the recipe? like, how do you do it, i want to do it so muchhh > **OP:** Sure, I pour a whole can of monster white, a whole can of pink strawberry c4, and a whole can of ghost energy in a big container. Then I pour in some sugar, some mio energy black cherry flavor, and some maple syrup. Then it’s ready to freeze. **longrange_tiddymilk:** No it shouldn’t change the caffeine bioavailability or effectiveness. Have you tried shoving the Popsicle up your ass? > **OP:** No I haven’t but if I were to boof an energy drink I think this would definitely be the way to do it. I think I’ll schedule a time to boof a caffeinesicle tomorrow at 11am. > Edit: I did it. **OP links to his now removed update post in the previous comment and another** &nbsp; [**Update: Energy Drink Popsicle Successfully Boofed. Trip Report**] [POST LINK](https://www.reddit.com/r/energydrinks/comments/18dyd44/update_energy_drink_popsicle_successfully_boofed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) - December 9th, 2023 **This post was recovered from a screenshot.** hey guys, its limp dick calvin, many of you might of seen my post yesterday about my practice of freezing my energy drinks into icy caffeinesicles for my sucking pleasure. Now, quite a few creative folks recommended I boof the popsicle for maximum caffeine absorption. I’ve always wanted to boof something, whether that be alcohol, acid, or caffeine, but I never have. Acid is feasible, I guess, but the idea of pouring a liquid down my rectum just sounds difficult and unpleasant. For one, my butthole is rather tight as it has never been penetrated, so I can’t imagine my brown balloon knot would be accepting of any liquid visitors, if you know what I mean. Another thing is if I managed to get the liquid in there, and then stood up, is it just coming right back out? Just a total mess of a concept imo. However, a caffeinesicle actually provides me with the perfect way to get an energy drink up my asshole. So I froze a thinner than usual popsicle last night with a mix of C4 and monster energy, and this morning at 11am, I went to my backyard and used a chair to sit on the popsicle, successfully boofing it. I didn’t know if I should bob up and down on it like a dildo, so I just sat there. And boy, was it COLD. I felt like I was being possessed by a frost demon. However, I felt absolutely electrified. Like my blood was made of energy drink itself. I don’t know if it was the freezing cold, or the rapid absorption of caffeine through my colon, or both. This felt like adderall was being mainlined into my veins. After about 3 minutes or so, the popsicle had completely melted in my asshole. I looked around for witnesses, stood up, pulled up my pants, and went to go take a shower in case any leaked out onto my legs. It’s been 3 hours since and I still feel like a thousand bucks. I feel like all my brain fog is gone and if I wanted to, I could teach myself how to do commercial real estate in like 6 hours of research. I feel like my brain is limitless. Anyway, just wanted to share with you guys. I’ll probably be doing this a couple times a week now. That’s about it. See ya. **RELEVANT COMMENTS:** **longrange_tiddymilk:** Alright, I know I said to do it, but I didn’t like reading this > **OP:** Oh yeah, it was you. What the hell man. Don’t go around telling people to shove popsicles up their ass and then get all squeamish when it happens. You reap what you sow. **Icenfiree:** I’d say it’s a lot safer to get a kids medical syringe from the pharmacy, suck up some energy drink into it and then put Vaseline all over the syringe, lay on your side, butt kinda sticking up, and push it in slowly until you hit a left or right cavity, then push the drink in. Putting anything frozen into your butt could hurt you more than a medical syringe would. Tread carefully, my friend. >**OP:** That’s a good idea. I guess I didn’t look into alternatives before sending it. Why is it dangerous to stick something frozen up my butt? I heard that when people have heat stroke the paramedics will shove ice rods up their ass. It’s a legitimate medical practice. **OP:** I realize some of you might this is satirical, this is a completely serious post btw. I actually did this. Let me know if you guys want me to post an update with picture for proof. >**caticuss14:** There are pictures?! Lmao I’m kinda curious… but also not. >>**OP:** Yeah, I filmed it and sent it to my group chat. I can just take some screenshots and blur out my face and asshole and post it. >>>**Bananacake2:** …who said to blur out the asshole? >>>>**OP:** i don’t want anyone to figure out my identity. **Marking this as concluded as OP’s account is currently suspended.** &nbsp; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

The Short Tale of the Energy Drink Popsicle Boof

CONCLUDED

SchlongComrade69

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18lixbc/the_short_tale_of_the_energy_drink_popsicle_boof/

18llqeg

**I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Difficult_Zebra_1793 **in** r/Rabbits trigger warnings: >!animal neglect!< mood spoilers: >!friggen cute!< &#x200B; \--- &#x200B; [Original post: RSPCA won't help this neglected rabbit](https://www.reddit.com/r/Rabbits/comments/17d9pj2/rspca_wont_help_this_neglected_rabbit/) \- 22 October 2023 Hi all, there’s a bunny on my street who is very clearly neglected. It’s in a tiny “hutch” in the front garden, anyone or anything can just grab it. It’s not got any shelter and it’s getting cold and wet and windy in the UK. I went onto their front garden yesterday while they weren’t home and the poor bunny had no food and an empty water bottle. I filled it up and it was drinking the water immediately so obviously was very thirsty. We’ve reported to the RSPCA multiple times and they’re not helping because they’re too overwhelmed. We’re not allowed to just come and take the bunny because it’s theft. The police have told us we can’t and they aren’t interested in helping either. Has anyone got any suggestions on what we can do to help? I have 3 bunnies of my own and the thought of this poor little soul being left, cold, hungry and thirsty is so upsetting. They’re clearly not nice human beings and I also checked their MOT is out of date by 2 months so maybe a good way to get police involved? [Dire situation 1](https://preview.redd.it/vbl6vao9slvb1.jpg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=039f10e8371952fa85ff4045ae5999f7c58219e9) | Alternative text: Fluffy rabbit with mixed grey and ginger markings in a small, narrow hutch in an outdoor area. The hutch looks worn and unclean. [Dire situation 2](https://preview.redd.it/gwp1wao9slvb1.jpg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=09a03618897fdd4b94904e98b0a344db691e4787) | Alternative text: Close up of rabbit in the hutch. [Dire situation 3](https://preview.redd.it/rb9nbbo9slvb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=af7130c774f182c769dc012fefa4511094b523a4) | Alternative text: Large empty water bottle attached to the side of the hutch. [Dire situation 4](https://preview.redd.it/6uaxtao9slvb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=b32dd93bc50a2a53d9c30fc2b2f3989562d588c3) | Alternative text: Long distance shot of the hutch. It appears to be in an open area of unkempt grass, with a red skip bin behind it. Houses are in the background. [Dire situation 5](https://preview.redd.it/r3tj8ao9slvb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=3c6747aa42c49c81f25c62d65b6c6c9fa4bcf6b7) | Alternative text: Another angle of the hutch from a long distance. It is amongst bushes and the rabbit is alone. &#x200B; \---- &#x200B; [Neglected bun update - please don’t delete - happy ending!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Rabbits/comments/17eo650/neglected_bun_update_please_dont_delete_happy/) \- 24 October 2023 Big/Happy update on the neglected bun on my street. We have her! She’s safe now 🖤 Meet Emma, she’s 6 years old. We went yesterday round (Sunday) and a little girl answered the door, they asked if her mum was in and she went and got her grandma. Grandma came and we straight up asked if they could buy the bunny off them, the kid started screaming crying. But the grandma said that the kid doesn’t bother with her anymore (it’s a girl bunny named Emma) and that she noticed Emma’s been losing weight. She said she’s the only one who takes care of the bunny really. They also noticed they she had no water AGAIN so she obviously drank a lot because she was thirsty. She said they’ve had another rabbit in the past which died (shocker). The grandma was openly admitting that no one takes care or is bothered about the rabbit and she just tries to help out when she can. She also said that the RSPCA have been round in the past after being reported by neighbours and said that they the RSPCA didn’t have a problem with the size of her hutch etc (which I find that very hard to believe as the RSPCA have strict requirements when adopting buns with the size of hutches etc) I think the child was only crying because that’s her possession. A bit like when you’re little and your mum wants to get rid of the toys you don’t play with anymore but you get upset because it’s YOUR toy. Anyways so the grandma said come back tomorrow when the kid isn’t there so they can talk again so fingers crossed we can get Emma tomorrow if she hasn’t changed her mind. We came back today (Monday) and offered good money to let us buy Emma. Grandma was a bit reluctant and on guard at first but when we explained that Emma isn’t getting the life she deserves she realised it was best to hand her over as it was in Emma’s best interest. **COMMENT BY OOP:** We took the tiny hutch they had so they can’t just replace Emma with another bunny, they’d have to get another one. The grandma seemed pretty defensive at first but ended up getting upset after and knew that it was the best thing for her to go, so fingers crossed she has a conversation with the little girl about it and hopefully it’s an important life lesson. They also have a dog too, so without sounding horrible, hopefully she turns her attention to the dog and forgets about wanting another bunny, seeing as though she forgot about her in the first place by leaving her starving, thirsty and cold outside… [Improved situation 1](https://preview.redd.it/25g8m9l78zvb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=ce7cef606a245c2610271432ef914768bef5d32c) | Alternative text: Emma the rabbit is at the end of a fuchsia tunnel. She has one paw in front and looks sassy. [Improved situation 2](https://preview.redd.it/g3tw7al78zvb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=d917c8f39bebbbe8c6d7e839342266c8a10b081c) | Alternative text: Emma the rabbit is in an outdoor area in a larger pen. There is a rabbit carrier and Emma is peeking her head out from behind it. [Improved situation 3](https://preview.redd.it/oc8q49l78zvb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=3879bfec77ad403cbb967df860f7cd487bac0216) | Alternative text: Close up of Emma the rabbit, she is very fluffy. [Improved situation 4](https://preview.redd.it/yzxhsal78zvb1.jpg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9b1b978dc39984f83e98d92e14af1ee4b17993d1) | Alternative text: Emma the rabbit is perched on a human's leg. &#x200B; \---- &#x200B; [Emma update!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Rabbits/comments/17hrd1i/emma_update_neglected_bun_we_rescued/) \- 28 October 2023 We took her to the vets to get her checked over especially since she was so skinny. Nothing is wrong thank god! Vet said she was just very underfed. Teeth all okay, coat all okay, no worms, and she just had all her injections too. Booked in to be neutered on the 7th of November so hopefully after a few weeks we can start bonding her with Stan. As you can see she was VERY happy to have her new bed and kept flopping over and taking little naps. Quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. My mum who saved her wants to call her Bobby after the late Bobby Charlton because of her little comb over lol. &#x200B; [HAPPY EMMA 1](https://preview.redd.it/5vprzca7urwb1.jpg?width=960&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=8ab319af497a84ced27e1da0680806c769ad4e3f) | Alternative text: Emma is inside a home. She is sleeping on her side with her legs flopped out on the edge of a small dog bed and she is so comfortable that she is beginning to slide off the edge to lean against a white wall. [HAPPY EMMA 2](https://preview.redd.it/5jm1nda7urwb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=7f51114f136ab351d8e0d28195b38576a4377af8) | Alternative text: Same angle as HAPPY EMMA 1. Emma is awake and is looking at the camera and looking sassy with one paw in front. [HAPPY EMMA 3](https://preview.redd.it/mx2pada7urwb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=ff0ea8f262ae0a1df1366269baa7649dd2013276) | Alternative text: Emma is on the same small dog bed but in a different position on her side and curled up [HAPPY EMMA 4](https://preview.redd.it/3tvjhda7urwb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=c2239e265910ddbf9d52c31f73bca39b89bab633) | Alternative text: Close up of Emma wedged between the wall and the edge of a small dog bed. Her eyes look half closed. She is completely relaxed. [HAPPY EMMA 5](https://preview.redd.it/nlhajda7urwb1.jpg?width=960&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=75f03f824cf210140f028db6f32d537d82243d98) | Alternative text: Close up of Emma sleeping on her side with her legs flopped out on the edge of a small dog bed. Her eyes look half closed. She is completely relaxed. &#x200B; **Reminder - I am not the original poster.**

RSPCA won't help this neglected rabbit

CONCLUDED

ttenseconds

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18llqeg/rspca_wont_help_this_neglected_rabbit/

18ltrb9

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/AITAThrowRA_Religion **Originally posted to** r/AITAH [**Previous BoRU**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17dknxq/aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands_religion/) **AITAH for disrespecting my husband's religion?** **NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH** **** Trigger Warnings: >!sexism, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, mention of self-harm, brain damage, death of a loved one, possible seizure, car accident!< --- &nbsp; **RECAP** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/175gwqy/aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands_religion/) - **October 11, 2023** I (53F) have been married to my husband Peter (M51) for 17 years. We have two kids, Joan (15) and Eric (17). Peter and I have been best friends for the majority of our time together, but things changed. About a year ago, Peter got into a car accident. He got hit by a drunk driver, and was in a coma for a month. It was a really rough time for the family, and the kids and I were pretty much constantly by his side when we weren't at work or school. Thankfully, he pulled through, and he was able to get back to his life after months of recovery and intense physical therapy. Things started to feel like they were going back to normal, until he became super religious a few weeks ago. He started to believe that god had saved him, and that he needed to use the second chance he was given to spread the gospel. I'm all for people expressing their religion, but he has latched on to a very conservative type of christianity, and it is causing a lot of friction between us. Eric is currently in his senior year of high school, and is working on the college application process now. Joan has been watching this and is very interested. The other day, she came to me crying, saying she'd asked her dad what colleges were good for computer science, since she's been very interested in coding for a while now, and her dad said she wouldn't be going to college, since her future job was to be a wife and mother, and college would be wasted on her. To say I was furious would be an understatement. I went to him and asked him why he said that. He replied that he was spreading the good word, and he wanted to make sure we didn't lead our children into a sinful alternative lifestyle. I asked him if he expected me to quit my job (I work from home as an accountant) and focus on being a wife and mother too, and he said that he'd wanted to talk to me about this for a while. He said that he wanted me to quit my job, since it is not suitable for a woman. This absolutely blindsided me, since he'd never expressed anything like this before. I told him that I would not be quitting my job, and our daughter would go to college, whether he approved or not. He rolled his eyes, and said I'd come around. It escalated last night. Joan was going to go to the movies with a couple friends, and she came down wearing a pair of jeans and a crop top. Typical teenager stuff, nothing she hadn't worn before. Peter stopped her, and told her she had to change. She asked why, and he said he wasn't going to let her leave the house looking like a skank. I was shocked, he'd never used language like that before. I told her to leave just as she was, and she left. Peter asked if I even cared about our daughter's soul, and I told him it's her body, she could dress herself how she wanted. He said her body is the property of god, not her, and that I needed to respect his religion. I told him I'd never respect a religion that treats women like second class citizens, and he left the house in a huff. He hasn't come back yet. AITAH? **AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on top comments, OOP is NTA** &nbsp; [Update #1](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1767i3p/update_aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands/) - **October 12, 2023** Hey all. Thanks for the concern and kind words, I really needed it. First things first, I'm safe, and I'm out of the house with my kids. A lot of you expressed concern about their safety and my financial security, and I want to assure you that is being taken care of. We are safe and with my dad, and my finances were already largely separate. We have a joint account, but that's a small "fun money" account for movie tickets, dinners out, and stuff like that. I have my own savings that he cannot access. My mom had a gambling addiction when I was a kid that nearly ruined our finances, so my dad made me promise I'd have my own savings. Turns out he was really smart to say that. Some people suggested looking for a counselor for Joan, and thankfully the kids already had a therapist for anxiety after the accident, and as soon as we left the house we scheduled an emergency session to make sure they can process everything that's going on. A lot of you said Peter needed to see a doctor because this could be a symptom of a TBI, which I agree with. The problem is, since he was discharged months ago and the more worrying symptoms happened recently, I can't force him to get treatment, especially since nothing he said would be considered "threatening." I had a call with him yesterday. He asked where I was, and I refused to tell him. He didn't get upset, thankfully. He asked why I took the kids and left, and I told him he wasn't the man I married anymore. I told him that things seemed to be getting worse, and that I needed him to see a doctor because this wasn't normal. He dismissed all of my concern, saying that he was finally being the sort of man he was supposed to be, and that the "medical mafia" is trying to make the godly parts of him disappear. I again told him that he wouldn't be seeing the kids or me until he saw a doctor. As soon as I said that he hung up. I already blocked him on social media, but my brother sent me a screenshot soon after of a facebook post he made. It was an unfocused rant that went on for several paragraphs about how doctors and satan had gotten to me and that I was hurting our daughter by letting her wear "sinful clothing" and that I was setting her up to be harmed by vicious men in the workplace. All the comments were his friends telling him he was scaring them, nobody was on his side. He said they had to cast satan out of their hearts. When I saw this, I couldn't stop crying. I knew it was over then. There's no way I could make him better if he doesn't want to get better. I sat the kids down and told them I was going to start the process of getting a divorce. They took it really well, and Joan just kept saying thank you. I asked her if anything had happened other than words from him that I didn't know about, and thankfully she said no, and Eric said the same. So that's pretty much where things are. We're safe, and he can't get access to my finances. I'm looking for a place of our own since the house is in his name, and I'm going to send my brother and his husband to get our stuff while he's at work tomorrow. I'm looking into lawyers now. Thank you all for everything, and I'll update as things continue." &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Commentator:** I’m happy that you and the kids are safe. I’m sorry you’re all going thru this but leaving was the best decision for the 3 of you! I do agree that there’s more to all this than just him finding god. Whether it’s a TBI or some sort of mental breakdown. But like you said, HE needs to want to go and want to get “better”; you can’t force him. Please also keep documentation of everything going forward! You may need those and records of his extreme change in behavior when it comes to custody of your kids. Luckily, they’re old enough that the judge should give them the opportunity to express their opinion on their custody when it comes times. Best wishes for all of you, including your husband! I hope this goes as smoothly & amicably as possibly. I hope you’ll update us down the road! >**OP:** I'm documenting absolutely everything. My dad is helping me with finding a good lawyer, and looking into if there's grounds to get a restraining order. He said he sounds like he's turning into John List, and I can't exactly deny that. **Commentator:** Don't stay at your father's too long, that's probably one of the first places he'll look for you! And can your kids attend school online for a bit, just to make sure he can't catch them there? Also, notify the school that he's no longer a safe person. Good luck! >**OP:** Talking with the school district today, and my dad lives in a gated community which knows not to let him in. Looking at apartments today. **Commentator:** Not to hijack, but I think (Another commentator) was asking if your son was still in contact with His father, your current husband. >**OP:** Oh my god, I completely missed that. No, I asked Eric if his dad had reached out to him, and he said, and I quote, "fuck him." &nbsp; [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/176oxjd/update_2_aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands/) - **October 12, 2023 (Same day, 14 hours later)** Hey people. First off, I'm still safe, and the kids are still safe. I've got news for all of you. I don't want to call it good news, but it's taken a load off my chest. A few hours ago, my husband called a coworker of his and tried started rambling about his current situation, during which he mentioned suicide. As soon as the conversation ended, he called 911, and since this was the first time he made a threat to himself, my husband was put into a 5150 hold. He's going to get medical treatment, finally. Thanks again for all the support and the kindness you have all shown. If there's any other updates, I'll let you know. &nbsp; [Update #3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/178trmw/update_3_aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands/?share_id=BsYM7GSBPYm43bImd98w3&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **October 15, 2023** Hey folks. I have another and hopefully more substantial update. After my husband was put into a 5150 hold, I was able to get in touch with the mental health facility he was put into, I mentioned that he had been in a coma a year ago, and filled them in on the personality changes I had been seeing. They said they would pass it along to his care team. Yesterday I received a call from the facility. I am still listed as his emergency contact, so they were able to give me more information. After I passed along my experience, they ordered a MRI scan. They found a massive cranial abscess that was pressing on his frontal lobe, and he was immediately sent to surgery to drain it because of the size. The surgery went well, but they say that they don't know what the long term impacts will be. He's still really out of it, so I don't know how his behavior is going to be. The kids and I are understandably very shaken up. We are still with my father, and we're going to continue to look for our own place in the meantime. We don't know if his personality will return to how it was before, but I'm going to err on the side of caution. No unsupervised visits with the kids, and I will only see him in the presence of a therapist or lawyer for the time being. I really don't know how it's going to go from here, but I know we'll make it through together. Thank you all for everything. --- &nbsp; ***** **NEW UPDATE** ***** [Final Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18gnr4y/final_update_aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands/) - **December 12, 2023** Trigger Warnings >!Death of a loved one, possible seizure, car accident!< Hey everyone. It's been a little while. First off, thank you to everyone who reached out and sent kind words and support. It really means a lot to me. A lot has happened since I last posted, and I want to get you all up to speed. After the surgery, like I said I would in my last post, I had visits with my husband with a counselor from the hospital present during his stay. The first visit, he was obviously very out of it since he'd been in surgery. During the second visit, he was more lucid. He was calmer, but unfortunately, he still believed that he was being mistreated. He kept bringing up how the doctors had "tried to remove god from his body but they had failed," and how he didn't want to see the kids again after they'd "been lost to the devil." I told him I loved him, but that this wasn't him, and I hoped that there was a part of the him I knew still in there. He got real quiet, and said to the counselor that he wanted to be alone. I left, and that was the last time I spoke to him in person. From that point on, he completely stonewalled me. Any attempt to text him would be met with either silence or a bible verse. I ended up renting an apartment with Joan and Eric, and we awkwardly started adjusting to a new normal. All was going about as well as could be until my husband got in another car accident. My husband got discharged since he was deemed no longer a risk to himself or to others. Doctors told him he wasn't supposed to drive, but he apparently convinced a friend of his to let him borrow his car. He was driving when he suddenly drifted into oncoming traffic and got in a head-on collision with a tractor trailer. He died at the scene. The police said he likely had a seizure or passed out while driving. I'm not going to lie here, I'm a mess right now. My support system is the only reason I'm able to be a semi-functional adult right now. But everybody has been there for me and the kids, and I'm so grateful. I really don't know how to end this post, but thank you for being there during all of this. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **notforcommentinohgoo:** Oh my. I'm just going to say "bereavement counselling". You need it twice over, because he was taken from you twice, once by his mental illness and then by death. Good luck. >**OP:** I've got therapy up the wazoo right now 😅 **Replied to a deleted commentator asking if it was likely a suicide** >**OP:** We've pretty thoroughly ruled that out. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP**

[New Update] - AITAH for disrespecting my husband's religion?

NEW UPDATE

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ltrb9/new_update_aitah_for_disrespecting_my_husbands/

18ltrsk

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Pata2010 **Originally posted to** r/amiwrong **Am I wrong for leaving my friend without a bridesmaid?** Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, controlling behaviors, verbal abuse, mentions abortion!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14l3ga9/am_i_wrong_for_leaving_my_friend_without_a/?share_id=v4UHUDpXW3h2GKF3GLRyT&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **June 28, 2023** I (31F) was asked in April to be a bridesmaid for my friend, we'll sat Ashley's (32F) wedding this weekend, July 1st. We went to school together and lived together for a year in college. She announced the engagement in December of 2022 and I already planned to take time off for it. When she asked me she was clear that it was because one of her other bridesmaids was pregnant and due in August. It's an outdoor wedding in the Midwest with an outdoor reception as well. Ashley's other friend was already having a difficult pregnancy. I was the most similar in height to her. I said I could do it. Great. The next day I get a PDF itinerary for May and June. Bridal shower in X-town for grandma 1, bridal shower in Y-town for grandma 2, bridal shower in Z-town for future in-laws. Memorial Day party! Dress fitting #3 and #4 were also scheduled in May. June had 2 bachelorette parties, one with her mom's family and one with her step-mom's and half-sister's friends and families. Also final dress fitting. Every single weekend in May and June had commitments and some random weekdays too. I have a WFH job. This was brought up when Ashley asked me to be her bridesmaid. "Oh, you have a flexible schedule and can work from anywhere right?" Yes, technically I can. So, the problem is that I no longer live in the area. I moved halfway across the country.. When I told her that it wasn't feasible for me to be there every single weekend, she told me to just come stay until her wedding was over. Stay where? She and her fiance live in a one bedroom apartment. Then she brought up a hotel. How much would 2 months in a hotel cost? A lot more than I have. I also have pets. I made it clear to her that I would only be available for the rehearsal and wedding, the week of. I did fly in for 2 days for a fitting and one of the bridal showers in May. I was being bombarded constantly in the group chat after that. Over the past month I have been told I'm a bad friend for not being there for her, from multiple people. She's been complaining to everyone and even complaining about me to my parents! My mom called me last week about it. But the real kicker here is that Ashley didn't tell anyone that I lived out of state. She made it seem like I lived in the area still. It wasn't just taking "2 hours out of my day" to go to a bridal shower. I would have to spend 3 hours on a plane, both ways, and 2+ hours dealing with the airport and check in. My mom said she talked to one of Ashley's grandmas because she went to that bridal shower and everyone was shocked to hear that I didn't live there anymore. But they all still judged me and said "Why would I agree to be bridesmaid if I couldn't be there?" I was under the impression I was an emergency fill-in for the big day to have an even wedding party. I also made it clear that I wouldn't be available except for the week-of. I haven't spoken to anyone about this, besides for one friend, we'll say Beth, who lives in the area. She did not go to school there or grow up there. I met her in college and for circumstances, she stayed with my parents for awhile and decided to stay there so she bought a house. Besides for my parents and some of her daughter's friends and teachers, she doesn't know anyone. She's heard a lot of gossip about me though. Trivial high school gossip from 15 years ago! Ashley and I did have some issues, but I thought we were past that. We're in our 30s and both have different lives other than a small-town high school. I confirmed with my mom and one of my sister's friends from high school who still lived in the area that these things were being said about me. I sent a message to Ashley last Wednesday, asking about it. She denied it all. Friday night was her bachelorette party and she and her other bridesmaids bombarded me with nasty messages. And yes, our high school drama was about a boy so I got things like "You're so mad 'Eric' chose Ashley over you." She's not even marrying Eric and he's 32, working at Dollar General and living with 2 roommates so I say we both dodged a bullet there. There were also texts about deeply personal things I shared with Ashley and that she knew I was self conscious about. I know it shouldn't hurt, but it still does. The last 2 months have just propelled me back to my adolescence where I was really shy and self conscious and I didn't want to be back as that part of myself. So I text her Saturday morning that I wasn't going to be in her wedding or even be attending. I apologized for short notice. I didn't bring up what she and her bridesmaids did the night before, just said I wouldn't be coming. I got a lot of angry messages and phone calls. She called me names, said I was ruining her life. I had to block her number, ect. So here I sit on a red-eye flight back to my home because I had already purchased a flight before I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I'm going to spend time with my mom and my sister's family, and hang out with my best friend. My mom and sister have already planned to boycott the wedding too. I've been seeing mixed comments on Facebook about my behavior. So am I wrong for leaving my friend high and dry without a bridesmaid? &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **Ranos131:** You aren’t wrong for quitting the wedding. But you should have told everyone why. Either way though Ashley is a toxic person and not a friend because of her behavior. >**OOP: ** All the important people in my life know and if I'm asked directly, I'll tell the truth. I just didn't want to start drama or make people pick sides. Our circles overlap quite a bit because we come from a small town. My friend, 'Beth' has been trying to convince me to throw a party and invite all of 'Ashley's' wedding guests to it to see who goes where though lol **soph_lurk_2018:** She is not your friend. You were her sidekick. You temporarily slipped back into old dynamics of trying to appease the mean girl at the top of the clique. Good for you for pulling the plug. It sounds like the friend circle in your hometown is still stuck in that cycle. Let them fight over trying to please Ashley. She’s not worth the trouble. >**OOP:** That's a very accurate description of the situation. I was so shy in high school and Ashley was very 'take charge'. It was comforting then to have someone order me around when I couldn't make a decision for myself and would get embarrassed by being in public. No one paid attention to me when I was with her. But now I know myself and I know I've already compromised several boundaries to try and please her. I'm not going to pause my whole life for her one day when I know if I needed help she wouldn't be there for me in any way. Last year I was in the hospital and my mom flew out just to be with me and Beth took care of my mom's pets so she could be with me without worrying. That's what true caring and compromise is. I just need to remind myself of that. **obabyhomeslice:** This girl is not your friend. I'm guessing you weren't even invited to the wedding until you were the fill-in bridesmaid? She's just trying to get butts in seats and doesn't really care about you. Dump her. Never speak to her again. Your life will be better. >**OOP:** I was invited as a guest. The invite arrived in February and I RSVP'd and that's when I made my initial plane fair for the week of her wedding. I was asked to be a bridesmaid because I was of similar build and size of the other one so a whole new dress wouldn't need to be made and so I would even standing next to that groomsman. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/comments/14o1z51/update_for_am_i_wrong_for_leaving_my_friend/) - **July 1, 2023** TL;DR This is about a wedding I said I was no longer going to attend because the bride was being too demanding and mean. It's the morning/afternoon of the wedding. I didn't want to be around town because I was informed though the grapevine that everyone was peeved when I didn't show up at the rehearsal so I went to a movie/shopping with my sister and her family today. I am an hour away from the events. Ashley's mom tried to contact me last night, but I just ignored it. She called my mom at midnight last night my mom called her back this morning. Ashley did not tell anyone that I was not going to be at the wedding. Instead of just being like, "Oh yeah, she's not coming," she acted like she had no idea why I wasn't there. My mom told her mom what happened and even showed her messages. I got messages from some of the groomsmen and extended family members saying I was causing drama on her wedding day. I still have Ashley and the bridesmaids blocked. When asked by people in my family, I just told them that I informed Ashley a week ago that I wasn't going to be there. I've sent "Ashley knew a week ago" texts to at least 4 people today. One of my family members was like "I don't believe that's true. She seems really upset." And I sent a screenshot of my last text to Ashley before blocking her which basically said "I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I won't be at your wedding. Sorry for the short notice." I didn't want to respond to messages because I knew that would create the gossip at the ceremony and keep the fire burning, but at the same time Ashley is playing a victim and straight up lying now. I would have been okay if she played the victim and said "OP cancelled on me last minute. Boo-boo." But she's straight up telling people that I just didn't show up. So now I'm really pissed. Some people have suggested just showing up, walking, and then leaving. But does she really want me in her wedding photos, videos, ect? Is that something she'll want to remember down the road? The bleep who ruined her wedding and caused drama? I messaged her sister, who isn't in the bridal party, and asked her what outcome Ashley was hoping to get from all this. I really want to crash the wedding/reception now though. Should I just be crazy petty or just stay away and try not to let it bother me? And yes, it is cloudy, miserable, and raining off and on. Currently downpouring as I type this at 1:15pm and the ceremony starts at 2:30pm lol &nbsp; **ADDITIONAL COMMENTS FROM OOP** Update: I think this is a much needed update that everyone will enjoy. I know I did. The wedding was cancelled! There was a full-on thunderstorm with hail during the time the ceremony was supposed to take place and it was obvious that the garden area where it was to be performed at was being flooded. A lot of people were already calling and asking if it had been changed to inside somewhere. They tried to do it at the church where their pastor came from, but there was already a wedding booked with the actual church as its venue and not just renting out an officiate for the day, if that makes sense. Several of my family members were present for what they described as a full on mental breakdown from Ashley. She even threatened the pastor! She went on a rampage and people were even trying to be helpful by offering their homes as a smaller venue to get married in and as literally all of the community board members were invited, they even got our town's community building for the reception and said they could just do the ceremony there too. But apparently the community building wasn't good enough for her. Nothing was good enough for her. There's videos of her rampaging and screaming. She also said terrible awful things about her pregnant friend, the bridesmaid that I was replacing in the first place. A comment of "Why couldn't you have just aborted it and tried again later!?" was dropped, amongst others as like "I hope your baby is born with all these problems." When I first heard it was canceled I thought I was going to be blamed for that too, but it looks like Ashley hates just about everyone in her life and attacked everyone in front of her, including the groom. I don't know what else happened. My mom and I ended up meeting up with the family of ours that came from out of town and planned on staying the weekend already. They gave us the rundown at dinner. My cousin is keeping an eye on Ashley's socials. She hasn't posted anything though. Her mom and her fiancé? just made posts about the wedding being postponed and tagging her. Someone said they might even try to get the church for today after services, but a lot of people won't attend that on short notice, even if they are still in town. Very few people are talking about me now, but are cringing at the meltdown over the weather that Ashley had and the terrible, awful comments she said about her pregnant friend. I honestly wonder if her other bridesmaids are still on her side. I know some of the groomsmen aren't. I've been getting messages asking if Ashley was always like this. I think they're trying to protect their bro from her now lol. And yes, she's always had overdramatic freak outs where you had to ride it out and the next day she'd act like it never happened. You could try and talk to her and she'd just wave you off and be like "That's ancient history." I guarantee you she'll say that to her pregnant friend too. She'll probably try to show up when that baby is born, act like she didn't wish death and disability on it, and try and hold it. I hope everyone else is able to cut her off and doesn't fall back into her trap. I did that way too many times when I was younger. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys that karma! For me, I think my drama is done and over with. I'm in town until Wednesday and will just spend the rest of my weekend doing fun 4th of July events! &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

Am I wrong for leaving my friend without a bridesmaid?

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18ltrsk/am_i_wrong_for_leaving_my_friend_without_a/

18lts4k

**I am NOT OOP. OOP is** u/Strawberry_127 **Originally posted to** r/TrueOffMyChest **I'm 22 years old and just got the news I'm dying, I failed at life and am now leaving behind a 3 year old daughter.** Trigger Warnings: >!mentions of death, cancer!< --- &nbsp; [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/184n2nr/im_22_years_old_and_just_got_the_news_im_dying_i/?share_id=Rjjt8bAGRvsZVCwPQCKvf&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) - **November 26, 2023** As the title says, last week I got the news that I am dying from lung cancer from my doctor. Turns out smoking since I was 15 and then upping it to 3 packs each day a few years ago was a bad idea. Stupid I know, I thought it wouldn't come so soon though. It's stage 4 and as of now I have months to live. Please don't feel bad for me, I've done nothing good in life, except have my daughter, to really be sad about losing me. I have no family because I grew up in the foster system and aged out at 18. My daughter's father is in prison for serious crimes that even if he got out he wouldn't be allowed to be in her life. My daughter is only 3. We don't live in a good area, and when I go to work I have to leave her with an elderly neighbor that always gets her name wrong everyday. I don't want her to grow up like I did, in that foster care system. I feel like it's the reason why I messed up and did nothing good with my life. Yeah I know it's not the only reason and my own stupidity caused most of my issues, but if I just had some family or a support system to keep me in check it could've been better. I just want to give her some chance to have a better shot than I did. The thing is I do have an idea for who could take care of her, one of my closest friends is a coworker at my job, and she's amazing. While I'm at the bottom of the job, like if they need to lay off people I would definately be the first to go, she's their prized worker and makes serious bank. She has a good husband and a kid. I want to ask her if she would be okay with adopting my little girl once I'm gone. But I know it won't go well. The thing is, my coworker and her family are black, and me and my daughter are white. Like we both have blue eyes and can't tan white. There is no way I can ask my friend to adopt my daughter and force her to deal with those kind of issues an adoption like that will bring to her family. But then that just leaves my little girl to grow up like I did, in a shitty system with only a will of about a thousand dollars to help her and a necklace my mother had that I'm going to give her. I don't know if I should bite the bullet and ask my close friend if she is willing to take my daughter, or just suck it up and try to work as hard as I can to get as much money into my will for my girl. But either way, I failed as a mother. And that is a regret I am literally taking to my grave. Edit: Okay, I reached out to her and we were able to set up a place to meet. It's some simple cheap bakery you can eat inside. I'm going to ask her if she can adopt my daughter. That way if she says no I can have more time to go to an adoption agency near us. Thank you for the support everyone. &nbsp; [Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/18gzoio/update_to_im_22_years_old_and_just_got_the_news/) - **December 12, 2023** Alright, I'm back now. A day after my post I was able to meet up with my friend/coworker. And after telling her about my diagnosis, which is something I haven't told anyone at work, I asked her if she was willing to adopt my little girl. She was shocked and tried to comfort me about my upcoming death. But she told me she couldn't give me her answer right then and there. Turns out, she does want a daughter, but something happened in her second pregnancy and caused her issues I don't feel right sharing. So she does want to consider adopting, but she first needed to talk to her husband and talk about planning if he agrees. I understood since it was a big change in their family. I said okay and after we ate she gave me a hug and told me she will miss me. This is embarassing, but I actually started crying. I also started making the emails, u/BundysPlaybook gave me this idea and I thought it was amazing. So I created an email for my daughter and started prerecording videos for stuff. It's nowhere near ready, but I already have some ideas and recorded some videos for her birthdays and some big life events like first crushes and prom and first job. Sad to say but I realized planning it that most of the videos will be "don't do what I did". My friend reached out to me a few days ago and said that after having a long talk with her husband they both are considering it. Apparently they do this thing where after talking about a huge change in their lives they'll come to something to agree on and then wait for a while and if they're still on the same page then it sounds like a good idea. She did tell me that it wasn't a yes though, there are some issues they want to fix first. She said that while they both really like the idea, they barely know anything about my little girl. Her husband and 6 year old son haven't even seen her, and while she has seen and heard about her, it's from me. So she told me about a plan they came up with. For the rest of this month I'm going to have to get up 2 hours earlier then normal to drop off my daughter at their house so her husband can watch over her as he works at home. Then I'll go to work with my coworker. This way her husband and son can get to know her. She also said she wants us to celebrate Christmas with them, so that's something to look forward to in the future. I've already done it yesterday and when I went to go pick up my little girl she was the happiest I've ever seen her in a long time. My friend's husband said that they went off on the wrong foot in the start, he said she was really scared sometimes and didn't want to play with their son yet, but since it was their first day he thinks she'll get better. We did it again today and he said she mostly watched their son play but it was already better then yesterday. So that's what's happening right now. I'm scared this will be for nothing, but at the very least now my daughter is getting better at their house for now. So even if they say no in the end she already has some better memories then when she was with me. &nbsp; **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **tla_ava:** Sending you so much love sweetheart! I hope you’re able to enjoy your little girl and find peace knowing she’ll be with a loving family, and even if it ends up not working out, you did and are doing your best to provide her with the best possible future. Just a recommendation with the email, get a backup (or backups) for the videos. Be it a CD, USB, online backup or others. I have an email I use to receive only, and it goes directly to my mail app on iPhone, so I don’t directly log in to the account on gmail. Well, I got an email sometime ago that since there’s been no activity on the email for a few years, that the account would be closed in a few months. So I just sent myself a few emails, but it may happen. So PLEASE get a backup, because she’ll definitely appreciate it. >**OP:** Thank you, I'll try to do backups in any videos. I think if my friend says yes after all of this I'll tell her about email deletion so she could help stop that from happening. That does scare me is doing all of the emails and having them loss before she can see them. **-DarkRecess-:** I know I’m only a n internet stranger but as a mom, I’m proud of you. You don’t have much but everything you do have is focused on your baby girl and that’s what makes a great mom! One thing I will say to add to the email idea, if you can, grab some loose sheets of paper or a small notebook and write down your favourite recipes, including all the things you add that make it something only you’ve made. Give that to her because one day she’ll be happy to say, ‘I made my mom’s food!’ Write down little happy things you come across in the time you have left, not in email form but in your own handwriting because she’ll treasure that in years to come and it’s a tangible link to you. Write down places you like to go, favourite colour, favourite music things like that. Little pieces of YOU so she’ll have something to physically hold on to when times get hard. You have all my love ❤️ >**OP:** I was thinking of writing a letter for my little girl's 13 birthday. The only thing I have from my mom is this necklace that has been with me. I don't know what it is but it has a lot of curls and hoops with a pretty almost clear stone in the middle. I was going to write a letter explaining the necklace is from her grandmother and now since she would be old enough it's going to be her's. > >I do have recipes I know she loves, that would be an amazing idea. She loves my egg salad sandwiches so that's one recipe I'll write down. Thank you for the idea. &nbsp; **THIS IS A REPOST SUB – I AM NOT OOP.**

I'm 22 years old and just got the news I'm dying, I failed at life and am now leaving behind a 3 year old daughter.

ONGOING

Choice_Evidence1983

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18lts4k/im_22_years_old_and_just_got_the_news_im_dying_i/